Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - WWDTM: James Patterson

Episode Date: October 21, 2023

James Patterson, the best selling author in the world, joins panelists Alzo Slade, Faith Salie, and Matt Rogers to talk about feuds, fights, outlines, and airports.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

The economy can sometimes feel like a big, scary wilderness filled with jargon and unreadable charts. The Planet Money podcast is here to help. We love spreadsheets. Yeah, let us be your guide to the global economy. We brought snacks. Is that trail mix? It's actually gorp. That's Planet Money from NPR.

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. This voice isn't just mellifluous. It's billifluous. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host at the Bushnell Center for the Performing Arts in Hartford, Peter Sago. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. We do have a great show for you today because Connecticut demands nothing less from us. Later on, we are going to be talking to James Patterson, the best-selling author in the entire world. Not the best-selling author in a genre, not in a particular week, but the best-selling author,

period. You think about it, it's weird, but if you think about it, there has to be one, and it's him. It's like finding out there is actually one person somewhere in the world who really is most likely to succeed. But you're no slouch yourself. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hey, Peter. This is Jeremy from Baltimore. Hey, Jeremy. How are things in Baltimore? The greatest city in America. You're just laying that out for me. And you're saying that.

Hold on, hold on. This guy, this guy, he is saying that in the face of Hartford. That is bold, sir, to make your claim. That's not just me. All the city benches say that as well. Really, the benches? That's very nice. That's how you can remember that it is.

Welcome to the show, Jeremy. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's award-winning journalist and comedian, Alzo Slade. What's up, Jeremy? How you doing, man? Doing well, Alzo. Next, a contributor to CBS Sunday Morning and host of the podcast Real Good, it's Faith

Saley. Hey, Jeremy. I love your Oreos. And a comedian whose debut album, Have You Heard of Christmas, will be released on Capitol Records November 3rd. It's Matt Rogers. Jeremy. My guy.

Jeremy, welcome to the show. You're going to start us off with who's Bill this time. Of course, Bill Curtis right here is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. You ready to go? Sure am. All right. Your first quote is from the Washington Post. There's something that borders on kinky, watching congressman after congressman line up to be spanked by their colleagues. What job are congressmen actually lining up to try to get? I hope it's Speaker of the House. It is Speaker of the House. Yes. Two weeks after they got rid of their last Speaker of the House, Republicans have

failed to pick a new one. Now they're in complete chaos. They even considered giving temporary Speaker Patrick McHenry additional powers, but that didn't work. They couldn't decide between invisibility or laser eyes. I'm assuming that you guys have been watching this with all the enthusiasm of watching them elect a new pope, right? Oh, my gosh. Jim Jordan failing to get the votes? It couldn't happen to a better guy.

It really is. I mean. This is my favorite thing from the whole debacle of a week. During the first vote, which Jordan failed to win, a group of elementary school students were up in the gallery, right, having to watch this. And one kid was heard to shout this is the worst field trip ever. Absolutely true. Absolutely true.

Even better that kid got more votes than Jim Jordan to be Speaker of the House. He's got a point though because Jim Jordan isn't even one of the fun horrible Republicans. Like George Santos and Marjorie Taylor Greene, it looks like they are, like, before you become a Batman villain. Like, those pictures of George Santos smiling, it's like he's going to fall in a vat of acid and burst through the ceiling of the Met Gala.

Yeah, pretty much. Well, George Santos would just tell us he was the Speaker of the House. He wouldn't even run for it. Right. It's like the Joker. You don't know what's real. He just lied. Yeah, I was Speaker of the House when I was eight years old.

I could do it again. Yeah. This is true. Jordan and his supporters were actually trying to strong arm the holdouts, including they were calling in threats and calling in, you know, various imprecations and apparently they even called up, his supporters called up the wife of a Republican congressman to try to pressure her to make

him do it. What could you threaten the wife of a Republican congressman with that's worse than being married to a Republican congressman? Alright, Jeremy, here's your next quote. This feels very books. That was a customer of a big bookstore chain that is making a huge comeback, even in the

age of Amazon. What is the chain? Barnes & Noble. Barnes & Noble, that's right. Barnes & Noble is back. It's just the latest hot new reboot of an old IP, right? Just like Frasier is being brought into the modern world, so is something else pretentious and doomed, bookstores.

Once a death store, Barnes & Noble has opened 20 new stores this year around the country with more to come. Take that, Amazon. There you are. Also, take that, small, beloved, independent bookstores. Sorry. When's the last time you guys were to Barnes & Noble? I used to buy CDs there exclusively.

And when James Patterson comes out here, do not tell him that. Really? I guess it was like a Harry Potter Midnight Madness type situation was when I was last. Really? Yeah. It's been that long? Like when you'd go at midnight and dress up like Harry Potter and, you know, buy the book. And yeah, we have some people here. Yeah.

Did you dress up as Harry Potter or another character? You know, here's my thing. I never really identified as being a Harry Potter. I actually identified as being a Draco Malfoy. Which later on, like, gained me some edge in the gay community, but when I was younger, they were kind of like, you're not like everyone else, and I was like, you're right.

One of the big changes is they are letting stores design their own spaces and create hyper-specific sections as they want to, like Canadian mysteries, romance but weird, books to pile up on your nightstand and never read. That said, the most popular section at Barnes & Noble continues to be restroom. Your last quote is a description of a new hit live show on Netflix. The most exciting thing was when an orangutan took slightly longer than you would expect to eat a leaf.

The show is a weekly two-hour live stream of what? A zoo? Yeah, the Cleveland Zoo, in fact. Specifically, baby animals at the Zoo. Netflix launched, you know, after just doing on-demand streaming for many years now, they launched their first ever weekly scheduled live broadcast. It's called Baby Animal Cam Live. People will have to tune in at exactly 2 p.m. Eastern on Thursdays

to see two hours of live footage of baby animals at the Cleveland Zoo. Yes, the actor strike has gone on for so long. This is where we're at now. A baby otter is the closest we can get to Timothee Chalamet. Just you wait till that otter wants some of the residuals, right? Then they'll disappear, right? Doesn't want to be replaced by AI either. This is the crazy thing. Okay, this is their first ever live broadcast. Remember that Netflix, all of their program decisions are made based on their data. They know what people are watching, billions and billions of hours of people watching.

And they know what we want. And what we want is just baby animals sitting around doing nothing in particular. I don't think Netflix has the right intel on what kind of live cams people like to watch. That's a different Netflix. Netflix and chill is what I thought we were doing. I guess I had a different understanding of that as well. Live cams and it's baby animals? Yeah, no, no.

I mean, they could charge for it per basis on something like Only Panda or something. Yeah, right. No. Only Farms. Yeah. Bill, how did Jeremy do in our quiz? Jeremy did so well, we should have a baby Jeremy cam.

There you are. Jeremy, thank you so much for coming and take care in Baltimore. Thank you, Peter. It's a pleasure. Bye-bye. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions from this week's news. Also, a New York-based transit app can tell you which subway stations are the most crowded, it can tell you if your train is delayed, and now it can help you locate nearby what? Bathrooms. No. Pay phones. No. That was fair. We got bookstores back. Can I have a hint, please? Yeah, it will tell you how many they are, but it will not tell you if any of them

happen to be dragging a slice of pizza down the stairs. Oh! Rats! No way! This transit app has an added rat tracker feature. Oh, my God. No, that's great. That's very important because nothing is more frustrating than getting down to the station and not having any idea when the next rat will arrive. You select a station on your

app and it gives you a scale, a rat scale. It goes from none to, and this is real, so many rats. Oh my gosh! This can help you pick a route for your commute or your trip. Do you avoid the most rat infested stations because of your concern about health?

Or do you pick the ones with the most rats because they scare away the singer-songwriters? Any of my friends that would come to visit me in New York, I'd open the app. You want a real New York experience? Hold on, let me see where we can... Yeah. Now, the data for rats, in case you're wondering,

is crowdsourced. So, like, it asks you, sort of like Waze, you know, you tell Waze when there's a traffic jam. It asks you to count the number of rats you might see in the station and then subtract the number of rats hanging in your clothes because they're leaving with you.

This is so awful. Oh, I'm definitely rigging the app then. Because if I want the train station empty, I'm just... A lot of rats. A lot of rats. The only problem with that is, you know, it's New York. You've got at least eight guys coming down

going, really? Coming up, how an emergency alert could change your life in our Bluff the Listener game called 1-triple-8-wait-wait-to-play. We'll be back in a minute Coming up, how an emergency alert could change your life in our Bluff the Listener game called 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. Up first achieves the rare one-two punches of being short and thorough, national and international, fact-based and personable.

Every morning, we take the three biggest stories of the day and explain why they matter. And we do it all in less than 15 minutes. So you can start your day a little more in the know than when you went to sleep. Listen now to the Up First podcast from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Matt Rogers, Alzo Slade, and Faith Saley. And here again is your host at the Bushnell

in Hartford, Connecticut Peter Sagal Thank you Bill, thanks everybody Thank you so much, right now it is time once again for the Wait Wait Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener game, call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air, hi you are

on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me Hi Peter, my name is Emily and I'm calling from Atlanta, Georgia Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. My name is Emily, and I'm calling from Atlanta, Georgia. Hey, Emily. How are things in Atlanta? They're good. And what do you do there? I am a high school math and economics teacher.

Oh, wow. Good for you. Are the kids all right these days? For the most part, yeah. They're hanging in there as best as they can. We all are, Emily. We all are. Welcome to the show.

You're going to play the game of but you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Emily's topic? This is only a test. You might remember a few weeks ago, all of our phones went off at the same time in this nationwide test of an emergency alert system. Well, it achieved more that did than just freaking out your dog. Our panelists are going to tell you about an odd

consequence of that test. Pick the one who's telling the truth and you'll win the weight waiter of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to play? I'm ready. All right, first let's hear from Matt Rogers. On Wednesday, October 4th, 14-year-old Portia Bowles was getting her hair cut when the emergency alert went off, startling her stylist who, in a basic human fear response, twitched, lopping off half of Portia's hair on one side. But this was not simply Portia Bowles,

but at Portia Bowles, with 12 million followers on TikTok, where she immediately posted her ruined hair and called out the stylist for being, quote, a flop girl. But thousands of Portia's followers actually took to the look, many of them chopping off their hair in the same place. same place. Portia herself has promised to choose the most awful and they will get together at Portia's crib to get a makeover from a makeup artist startled by random air horns. It's trendy, it's trending, and it's objectively awful. An accidental bad haircut caused by a startle response itself goes viral. Your next story of an alert effect comes from Faith Saley. Lissa McMurray was feeling profoundly lost last October 4th. She'd just completed her shift as a barista in Astoria, Queens,

and was, she says, wandering and kind of praying to the universe or whatever for purpose because I felt like I'd die if I had to make another flat white or explain my tattoo. And that's when the emergency alert went off. Lissa says, it scared the crap out of me. I froze. When she looked up, she was standing in front of a convent she'd never noticed before called Holy Stigmata. Folks, two weeks later, and Lissa's now called novice sister pierced heart of Jesus.

The nuns fast-tracked her because A, they need sisters, and B, they need good coffee drinks with crucifix images in the foam. Look, sister pierced heart of Jesus says, it's not like I totally think goddess sent me here. I know it was a federal emergency alert that stopped me, but this is punk rock, and I love my sisters, and going to confession is just like gossiping. A woman joins a religious order because she interpreted the alert as a message from God. Your last story of an alarming outcome comes from Alzo Slade. It's widely known that within Amish communities, face-to-face interactions and personal relationships are highly valued and prioritized over modern conveniences.

However, after a while, driving buggies and milking cows gets boring. It's hard not to be pulled toward the light. Not of heaven, but of a cell phone. So at the risk of being shunned, some members of the Amish church asked the former member to get them the goods. Everything was going smoothly with their secret phones until the government decided to test that darn emergency alert service. One of the guys was already on thin ice with the community for some other transgression that was shun worthy. He was with the elders trying to talk his way out of that one when the alert sounded from his phone.

Pressed to explain the electric noise, all he could muster up was, wow, it's crazy how those kazoos in my pocket can make noise on their own. Needless to say, he and his buddies were shunned by the community. They've now had to resort to communicating through carrier pigeons. All right. That was a good pigeon.

You could have a show on Netflix. All right, so here are your choices. We all heard the alert because it came to all of our phones, but one of these things happened because of it. Was it from Matt how a haircut got ruined, but because it was a popular influencer, that haircut itself went viral on TikTok? From Faith, how a barista in New York heard it at just the right time to bring her to a life of religious seclusion? Or from Alzo Slade, how it busted some Amish men for having

secret cell phones. I think I see where the audience is. What do you think, Emily? You know, I don't have any students with any new crazy haircuts since then, so I think I'm going to have to agree with the audience and go with Alzo's story. You're going to go with Alzo's story about the Amish men who were busted. All right. To bring you the correct answer, we actually spoke to someone involved with this real story. He was actually being confronted by the elders of the church on the

very day that the alert system went off. That was Eli Yoder, a former member of the Amish church who gave one of the Amish guys the phone he was busted for. That was his dealer, ladies and gentlemen. Congratulations, Emily. You got it right. You earned a point for Alzo. You've won our prize. The voice of anyone you might choose chirping on your phone

whenever you might like. Well done, Emily. Congratulations. Thank you. And now the game where we ask accomplished people to accomplish the only thing left they haven't already accomplished. It's called Not My Job. James Patterson is the best-selling author in the world.

He may be the best-selling author in all of... He may be the best-selling author... Spit it out. I'm trying. I'm a little intimidated. He may be the best-selling author in all of history, apart from God. He's written more than 60 New York Times bestsellers in every genre, thriller, mystery, romance, and young adult.

He has collaborated with many different authors, including Bill Clinton and Dolly Parton. His latest book is 12 Months to Live, written with Mike Lupica. We are delighted to have him with us now. James Patterson, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. All right, start correcting me. Donald Trump claims to be the best-selling author in the world, and I have to say he's probably the best fiction writer in the world. There you go.

Oh, ka-zing, ladies and gentlemen. So we were looking into this, and everything I said is true. You are, in fact, the best-selling author in the world. One piece of data we came across is like seven percent. That's kind of a tragedy, but we'll go with it. Okay, seven percent of all books sold in a year are your books, which is something to be proud of. I assume you're proud of it, yes? You know, just very quickly, and I don't know who said this.

It wasn't me, but I love it. And I think it's as true for 20-year-olds as it is for somebody my age, 30-something. And what it is, my time here is short. What can I do most beautifully? And for me, it's telling stories. And that's what it's all about. I don't care about anything other than that. Okay. This is a hard question to ask any artist, especially a very popular one, but I'll try. Can you explain your success? Do you know why you are on the top of that list? I don't think about it that way, but it's just, it's just story, story, story, story. I mean, you know, you know, the real estate

thing, location, location, it's just story, story, story. Right. And, and you were not at first a novelist. You were in the advertising business. Yeah, but I've been clean for over 25 years. Oh, I'm glad. Congratulations. Thank you. You have a chance. And did you always want to be a writer? You were one of those guys who...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, totally. And Mike Lupica, who I did 12 years, same way. Mike and I both grew up Catholic schools, upstate New York, and both of us just wanted to be writers. He got very lucky. He went right into New York and got hired in 21. It took me a little longer to get established as a novelist.

And did you have to go through an apprenticeship? Did you write a lot of novels that you had to throw away? No, I was really lucky in that the first one I wrote, I was 25, 26 years old. It won an Edgar's Best First Mystery and that's the best thing I've written. I haven't written anything even close to that. Really? I was really good. I had a lot of problems when I was 26, yeah.

Now look, you've written, like I said, in every genre. I tried to find one. The only things you haven't done are epic poetry and erotica. I did epic. Erotica, at a certain age, that comes off the scorecard. I'm not going to erotica.

Really? All of a sudden you sit down to write it instead of doing anything? Just not feeling it. They just watch some TV and go to bed and you're like, that's exciting. Yeah. Okay.

Can you help me settle an argument? Very simple question. Do you consider... It's a little complicated. Is this one of these A, B, and C part things? No, no, no. Do you consider audio books reading? If you listen to an audio book, does that count as reading a book?

I don't know, but I think audio books are really cool. I would prefer that when people are driving that they would do audio books. Right. But I have had people, honest to God, people have told me that they got into an accident like driving and reading my book. No, really? Yes, for real. That's how crazy people are. That could be the plot of your next book.

Well, we know how crazy they are. Really? Somebody's like driving along and they've got your book propped on the steering wheel. I didn't go for the particulars, but yes, they were reading. Which reminds me, you're an immensely popular author. Do you get recognized in public? You know, it's a mixed bag. I was in a restaurant in Florida, a town where I favorite restaurants, and they took us to the seat.

And I'm walking down the aisle with my wife and this lady pops up and she says, I know you. You sold us our life insurance. So I do get recognized. So like a half credit, a half credit. You know, I went with it. But the weird thing is, so then we sat down, and during the appetizer, somebody in back said, are you from Massachusetts? I turned around and said, you're Tom Clancy.

This is true. This is within 10 minutes. It's like, you know, whatever. Yeah, so yeah, I turned to him and said, you're Tom Clancy. This is true. This is within 10 minutes. Yeah, so yeah, I do get recognized. You want funny stories. I do, I do. Would it be amusing to ask you about your feud with Stephen King? You know, we don't have a feud. He has a feud. I like his books. Although the new one is so weird.

They put this cover, Holly, with a nice little house. It looks so cute. It's about these two old people who are cannibals. Right. You know? And that's why I swear to you. You think that's a comedy. It's just weird.

He is a very, very good writer. And I'll leave it at that. That's where I come out on Stephen King. Wow. Okay. Well. I didn and I'll leave it at that. That's where I come out on Stephen King. Wow. Okay. Well. I didn't know authors had beef like that. They do, man.

Like rappers. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, a lot of John Irving. There's a lot of that stuff. I'm not into it. Really?

There are a lot of literary. Did you used to have literary beefs when you were young? When I'm a kid in New York, I just do in there. And I go into this, there was a party. And in this back room, I swear to God, it's James Baldwin and Norman Mailer. And they're arguing, but they have their fists clenched. Right.

And they're both little. They're like about 5'4", something like that. James Baldwin and Norman Mailer are going to go at it. Well, they were going at it verbally, but it was like this kind of, you know, it's weird. That's how writers, we don't really fight, but we'll fake it. We'll threaten it.

I guess Norman Mailer liked to box. I would box him. I wouldn't be afraid of him. You think you could beat him? Yeah, hell yes. That's how you become the world's best-selling author. Well, James Patterson, we have asked you here to play a game we're calling... I'm not playing.

Has anybody refused to play yet? Nobody has ever come out on stage in front of 3,000 people. Stephen King did. Oh, yeah. He refused to... He did? No, he didn't. Oh, if he did, then I'm definitely in. I'm doing it. See, I was going to help you out. Thank you, Alzo. Yeah, thank you. I

appreciate that. Yeah, Stephen King was a complete jerk. Yeah. We've asked you here to play a game we're calling... I've got an hour till my flight and money in my pocket. So, your books do very well in airport bookshops when people need something gripping to get them through a flight, but we were wondering what other fun things can you buy in an airport? Answer two to three questions about other airport purchases correctly. You'll win our prize for one of our listeners, the voice of anyone they might choose in their voicemail. Bill, who is James Patterson playing for? Catherine Nyhan Chaney from New Britain, Connecticut. All right, all right. Nihan Chaney from New Britain,

Connecticut. Alright. Catherine, if I mess this up, I'm going to get you a dozen Dunkin' Donuts or some Grater's ice cream, so no matter what, you're going to be a winner.

And I'm going to mess it up. The first thing you can buy in an airport, Auntie Anne's pretzels. Okay? The original logo of Auntie Anne's pretzels was the name of the store in an old English font with the image of a pretzel. Where did that pretzel image come from? A, they took the Mr. Salty pretzel logo, flipped it, and made it blue. B, they took one of their actual pretzels and just Xeroxed it. Or C, they drew an outline of a pretzel and asked a focus group where the pieces of salt should go.

Okay. I'm going to, because I think this is going to go A, B, C, so I'm going to go A. No, it's actually B. They just Xeroxed a pretzel. All right. You have two more chances, so I think you'll do fine here. Sometimes spending money at the airport has an added bonus, like at the Changi Airport in Singapore. Oh boy, I've been there. For every $10 you spend in the airport

shops, you also get what? A, one free ride on the airport's four-story slide. B, a pack of chewing gum seized from a Singapore resident. Or C, an entry in a raffle to ride in the cockpit on your next flight. Perfect. Okay. Who knows the answer to this? One person. One person. We go in A again?

A. We're going A. A is correct, everybody. Congratulations. It is the world's highest slide in an airport. Okay. I don't know. I could do a scene there and kill somebody.

There you go. Yeah. All right. Last question. If you get this, you win. All right. We all know about buying overpriced water and snacks and, of books, but which of these can you get in an airport somewhere in the world if the mood

happens to strike you while you're at the airport? A. A root canal. B. A $1,200 ham that comes in its own suitcase. Or C. A wedding. Hmm. C.

C. Actually, all of them. Wow. C C actually all of them wow so I was going to win no matter what you were going to win no matter what that fan finale it's about stories that's very nice I thought the dentist thing

that was my guess there's a dentist who works inside the Munich airport the $1200 ham is at the Miami International Airport, and I forget where you can have the wedding. So just ask in the next airport. Well, thank you, and that's good for that person, whoever that person is from.

Bill, how did James Patterson do in our quiz? Two out of three, he's won. You win. Somebody won. James Patterson's latest book is 12 Months to Live, written with Mike Lupica. James Patterson, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. James Patterson, the best-selling author in the world. In just a minute, things get spicy in our listener limerick challenge.

Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us in the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Faith Seeley, Matt Rogers, and Alzo Slade. And here again is your host at the Bushnell in Hartford, Connecticut, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, get three servings of key rhyme pie in our listener limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Matt, a man in Spain has been arrested after a crime spree.

He repeatedly went to restaurants, and when they presented him with the bill, he did what? He said, hey, chica. And they were like, no. You want to give me a hint? I will give you a hint. He always ordered a double cheeseburger to make it more plausible. Oh, like have a heart attack? Yes, that's it.

He fakes a heart attack. He fakes a heart attack. Woo! The man had this thing down. He would order food in a restaurant, and then he'd get up to leave, and then if somebody caught him and said, oh, sir, you have to pay your bill,

he would fake a heart attack. He'd grab his chest like Fred Sanford for the older audience members and fall to the ground. Like, ah! It was very theatrical, said one restaurant manager. He got away with it more than 20 times. True, but finally word got around in this resort area in Spain

where he was doing it. So finally the restaurant called the cops. The police came and the man said, I need medical attention. And this is true. The cops pulled out a photo of him lying on the ground in like his prior restaurant. Like, no, you don't.

But he was by himself. Hopefully he wasn't on a date, right? No, no, you don't. But he was by himself. Hopefully he wasn't on a date, right? No, no. I mean, the date probably didn't have to pay either. It's been a lovely evening, Beatrice. I'm so glad we could spend this time together. Now just go with this here. Yeah, exactly.

Faith, there's this new AI software, and it's being used by more and more businesses to do a very important task. The AI monitors your Zoom meetings, your online meetings, and then tells you if you are what? Up talking? Let me ask you a question. If somebody were to be up talking, how would you find that? If you're being annoying?

That's right. Oh, my gosh. If you were being annoying? That's right. Oh, my gosh. If you were being annoying. Wow. These meeting bots join your meeting, and they take notes, first of all, of what's discussed. They provide summaries of the meeting, and in what sounds like a nightmare people have, it tells you exactly how annoying you were in the meeting. It counts how many times you interrupted someone else, what percentage

of the meeting time you sucked up, and rates your amusing anecdotes on a scale from more embarrassing than funny to that one again. Why do we need an app for that? I could do that for free in real time in the meeting.

I'd be like, Stephanie, you need to shut up because you are annoying. One more job taken away from a human being. Exactly. Matt, a high schooler in Oklahoma, is the proud owner of a VW Beetle that she won in a raffle. Where?

Well, she won it at a raffle at her church, her local church. No, that's not right, although you said it with confidence. That would help. How about a hint, huh? How about a hint?

Sadly, the hearse was not available. Not the funeral home. At a funeral home, yes. At a funeral home. Specifically, the 16-year-old won the car at the funeral of the previous owner. Diane Sweeney told her family that her final wish was to

raffle off her own 2016 Volkswagen Beetle to anyone who might have signed the guest book at her funeral. So her family did what she wanted. Oh, wow. It was a really wonderful request, except for the part where she suggested, well, just give out tickets and then mix them all up in the

coffin, spin me around. So they did it at the funeral. They did it at the funeral. That's a great idea. That's what she wanted. Sounds like a jazzy, funky lady. She was. And honestly, I mean, we all got to go sometime.

And what a better way to end your life than at a funeral packed with family and friends and people desperate to win a car. It was a VW van? It was a VW Beetle. Beetle. One of the new bugs. This is such a good plan if you're afraid that you're not going to have a lot of people show up to remember you, is to let everybody know ahead of time when I die,

there's going to be a raffle for all my best stuff. But you have to be there in person. It's great. If you want a well-attended funeral, you can either be kind and good and generous to people you meet or have a raffle. Have a door prize. Either works. A beetle wouldn't have gotten me to the funeral. You have to do something like a Tesla or a Mercedes or something.

Oh, really? You're tough. Alzo is like, well, you know, your mom's funeral tomorrow. What kind of car is it? I'm sorry for your loss. What did she drive? Exactly. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank.

But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can catch us most weeks back home at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, and we'll be in the road at Carnegie Hall in New York City on December 14th and 15th. Also, check out the Wait, Wait! Stand-Up Tour in Chicago on November 5th, and coming soon to a city near you. For tickets and info about all our live shows, go to nprpresents.org. Hi, everyone. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Hi, this is Jennifer from Searcy,

Arkansas. Searcy, Arkansas. Now, I've been to Arkansas a few times, but I have no idea where Searcy is. I can't imagine you would. It's an hour outside of Little Rock. Okay, and what do you do there? I work in university communications and marketing for a university here. What university, can I ask? Yeah, Harding University. Harding University. It's a, yes. I was going to say I've never heard of it, but I'm afraid I'd be insulting you.

No, yes, it would hurt my feelings a lot. Yes, okay. I'm sorry. I should have paid more attention to your work marketing the university. Well, now millions of people know. You've earned your salary this week, Jennifer. Congratulations. Thank you.

Welcome to our show. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly, two of the limericks will be a winner. Ready to play? I'm ready. Here we go.

Here's your first limerick. Mitt Romney says, I had some hopra. The White House was caught in her scopra. The queen of TV got in contact with me, and I could have been VP to Oprah. Oprah, that's right. This new biography of Mitt Romney reveals that in 2019, Oprah Winfrey called him to suggest they should run together as an independent presidential ticket. Well, it's unclear from the account who would be in the top of the ticket. Well, no, it's not. And then she denied this. She denied it. She said that what she suggested to Romney was that he run as an independent, yes, but with somebody else, not her. She wasn't volunteering.

That makes sense. Why would Oprah Winfrey want to be demoted to president? All right. Here is your next limerick. They make Mario go in a rush zoom. But for humans, they spell out a crushed doom. Don't eat every toadstool down by the road, fool. Don't touch the red and white.

Mushroom. Mushroom. Officials around Lake Tahoe are warning hikers, please do not eat those poisonous mushrooms, even though they look exactly like the ones in Super Mario Brothers. Yes, the mushrooms have cute little red tops and white spots. In the video game, they give you superpowers. In real life, they give you super death.

I've had some mushrooms that have given me superpowers. Yeah. The three of us before the show. Yeah, that explains a lot, actually. Here, Jennifer, is your last limerick. With jeans, we have gotten real spicy. And for taste buds, results are quite dicey. The Scovilles from Reapers will seem like mere sleepers.

Our pepper is two times as... Spicy. Spicy, yes! There is a spicy new pepper in town. People are calling it Pepper X, which was formerly known as Pepper Twitter. Mm-hmm. It is now officially the hottest pepper in the world with a Scoville heat index of 2.69 million SHUs.

That's almost twice as hot as the previous record holder, the Carolina Reaper, which comes in at 1.64 million SHUs. SHU, by the way, stands for soils her undies. No, it's going to do more than that. This is how they should decide who gets to be speaker of the house. You have to eat the pepper. And if you can still speak. It's the only way.

I should probably, I should put these scores in context. When I say like this pepper has 2.69 million SHUs. Okay. A jalapeno pepper is about 5,000. A poblano pepper is about 1,000. And zero SHU, that's Mitt Romney. Bill, how did Jennifer do? Jennifer is the liberate queen with a perfect score.

Well done. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you, Jennifer, for playing. And tell me again the name of your university. It's Harding University Harding University now I feel like I've done a better job

there you are, you just got a raise thank you so much for calling and playing Jennifer, take care thank you this one's a scorcher but I don't need water, I'm saving the flavor I'm going back for more later everything about this is major do me a favor, Get one and make it hot.

It is now time for our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Faith and Matt each have two. Alzo has four. Oh, can you give us the scores? Faith and Matt each have two. Alzo has four. Oh, wow. I've never won.

All right, Matt, you're in third place. You're up first. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Monday, professional networking site Blank announced it was cutting over 700 employees. Um, uh, uh, is it Facebook? No, it's LinkedIn.

On Tuesday, the high court in India declined to legalize same-sex blank. Marriage. Right. That I know from persecution. This week, a man in Poland was arrested after he robbed a department store by blanking. Slaying. No, by pretending to be a mannequin in the store window until after they closed. Yeah, like I said, slaying.

He sounds incredible. On Wednesday, electric car company Blank reported a 44% fall in profits. Is it Tesla? Yes, it is. On Thursday, a new study found that eating red meat twice a week increased the risk of type 2 Blank. Diabetes. Right.

This week, a company called Real Water lost a $200 million lawsuit that found their beverage is not Blank. Very good at all. No, it company called Real Water lost a $200 million lawsuit that found their beverage is not blank. Very good at all. No, it's not Real Water. According to experts who spoke at this trial, Real Water contains dangerous amounts of hydrazine, a chemical commonly used in rocket fuel. What? How weird that a drink called Real Water could kill you, but liquid death is just water.

Yes. Bill, how did Matt do in our quiz? He got three right, six more points. Total of eight. Single digits, baby! There you go. A good win. Single digits. Alright, Faith, you're up next. Fill in the blank.

On Tuesday, Donald Trump's legal team appealed the blank order placed on his election subversion case. Gag. Yes. On Tuesday, Russian President Vladimir Putin met with blank in Beijing. Oh, uh, Gag. Oh, Xi Jinping. Sidney Powell. Sidney Powell. Greta Thunberg. protest in London. Greta Thunberg.

Greta Thunberg, revealing that she was a borderline alcoholic for much of her 20s. Adele says she recently gave up drinking and, quote, life is blank. Uh, beautiful. No, life is boring, she said. On Tuesday, prosecutors pushed for new charges against blank relating to the accidental death on the set of his movie, Rust.

Alec Baldwin. Yes, on Thursday, Virgin Galactic announced the date for its fifth commercial trip to blank. Mars. Not quite there, just space. This week, a museum in Glasgow announced that one of their valuable Rodin sculptures wasn't missing. It was blank. It was pooping on the potty.

No. It was, quote, unlocated. That's an alternative fact. The museum acquired the sculpture back in 1901, but the last time they have records of its location was 1949. Thankfully, it's almost winter,

so you know, one of the docents is going to put on his winter coat and I'll reach in the pocket and there's the sculpture. Bill, how did Faith do in our quiz? Five right. Ten more points.

Total of 12. Puts her in our quiz? Five right. Ten more points. Total of 12. Puts her in the lead. All right. So, if Alzo were to win, how many questions would he need to get right? Well, four to tie and five to win. Here you go, Alzo. This is for the game. They're on your side.

On Tuesday, the military in Ukraine used U.S.-provided long-range missiles to hit 18 targets in blank. Russia. Yes. On Sunday, nationwide pharmacy chain blank filed for bankruptcy. Righty. Yes. This week, blank rates hit a 23-year high. Interest rates. Mortgage rates. This week,

a fugitive in Florida named Johnny Yates attempted to avoid being found by blanking. By dressing up in a suit that he thought was invisible. No, by putting a sign up in his front yard that said, Johnny Yates does not live here. In its opening weekend, Blank's tour documentary became the highest grossing concert film of all time. Taylor Swift. Yes. Best known for her roles in Three's Company

and Step by Step, actor Blank passed away at the age of 77. Suzanne Somers. Yes. This week, a teacher attempting to show his fourth-grade class a Winnie the Pooh movie accidentally showed them Blank. Ooh, I don't want to say. Not that. Okay, Bugs Bunny?

No, a slasher movie called Winnie the Pooh, Blood and Honey. Uh, both bunny? No, a slasher movie called Winnie the Pooh, Blood and Honey. Parents were outraged after the elementary school teacher accidentally showed 30 minutes of the very, very R-rated violent movie to his class. He got 30 minutes in? 30 minutes, yeah. Administrators have since apologized, describing the teacher as, quote, careless and also, quote, fired. Damn right. Bill, how did

Alzo do in our quiz? Did he do well enough to win? Four right, eight more points, and with 12, he tied. Which is a win for Alzo. Best so far. You guys did great with those really tough

Taylor Swift questions. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict, after Baby Animal Cam, what will be the next live show on Netflix. But first, let me tell you that Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godeka writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our tour manager is Shana Donald. BJ Lederman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godeker writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our tour manager is Shana Donald.

BJ Lederman, composer of Theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Grombos, and Lillian King. Special thanks to Monica Hickey and Blythe Robertson. Peter Gwynn is speaker of Our House. Our vibe curator is Emma Choi. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our CFO is Colin Miller.

Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilagin, the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mr. Michael Danforth. Now panel, what will be Netflix's next big live show? Matt Rogers. If the strike doesn't end, I'm doing the live cam show on there.

Everyone sign up. It'll be good. Faith Saley. For anyone who wants to be a speaker of the house, it's a new live competition show called So You Think You Can Speak? And finally, Alzo Slade. A live cam to see if a tree really makes a sound if no one is there. Well, if any of that happens, panel, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Matt it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Matt Rogers, Faith Saley, Alzo Slade. Thanks to everyone in Connecticut public. Thanks to Tom Sessa, the entire staff and crew, and the audience here at the Bushnell in downtown Hartford, Connecticut. Thanks to all of you for listening at home. I'm Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week. applause music

music music music This is NPR.