Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - WWDTM: John Wilson

Episode Date: September 23, 2023

John Wilson is the creator of the Emmy-nominated How To With John Wilson, and joins us to talk about being paid in Wite-Out and the best place in New York to meet a referee.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Up First achieves the rare one-two punches of being short and thorough, national and international, fact-based and personable. Every morning, we take the three biggest stories of the day and explain why they matter. And we do it all in less than 15 minutes. So you can start your day a little more in the know than when you went to sleep. Listen now to the Up First podcast from NPR. Listen now to the Up First podcast from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz.

I'm legendary anchor man, and today only, I'm legendary birthday boy, Bill Kernan. And here is your host at the Studebaker Theatre at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. So delighted to be with you. We have a fine show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to John Wilson, the creator of How To With John Wilson on HBO. But first, as you heard, today, the day we are doing the show, is Bill's birthday.

And we want to ask our dear friend, judge and scorekeeper Bill, is there anything special you would like for your birthday? I want what everybody wants, Peter. My own voice on my voicemail. I think that can be arranged. If anybody out there might like that, give us a call. It's our prize. My voicemail. I think that can be arranged. If anybody out there might like that, give us a call. It's our prize.

The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you were on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Pat from Wilmington, North Carolina. Hey, Pat, how are you? From Wilmington, you say. What do you do there in Wilmington? Well, for many, many years, I've been a high school counselor. Oh, wow. Yeah, wow, that's right. I always found going to the counselor

in high school somewhat stressful because I always assumed that would be the first person outside my own family I would disappoint. Oh, that's not true. Well, you don't know. You don't know. You don't know. For all I know, my high school counselor is out there and he's going, fart jokes. Well, okay. Well, Pat, welcome to the show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's a comedian and actor currently on strike, I guess, double strike?

Yeah. It is Eugene Cordero. Hi. I'm on double strike. Double strike. Double Strike? Yeah. It is Eugene Cordero. Hi.

I'm on Double Strike. Double Strike. Next, the comedian whose special is called Love, Joy on Peacock, and she's about to go on tour across Canada with Just for Laughs. It's Joyelle Nicole Johnson. Yes. Hey, Pat. Is it for Carl?

And finally, a humorist and founder of Hatch Space Community Woodshop, who'll be appearing with author Neil King at the Brattleboro Literary Festival on October 14th in Brattleboro, Vermont. It's Tom Beaudet. Hello, Pat. Pat, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize.

Any voice from our show, you might choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to go? No pressure, huh? No pressure at all. None of these people in front of me are even paying attention. Here we go, Pat. Here's your first quote. It's from U.S. Senator Sheldon Whitehouse.

No loincloths. He was talking about the Senate's decision to officially relax what policy? You gads. It's been a long time since I've even recognized a loincloth, so I'm sorry. I have no idea. Well, I could give you a hint and try to get you to answer the question, or I could ask you about the situations in which, long ago, you saw loincloths. I have to stay employed, sir. I understand, I understand. Well, the reason Senator Whitehouse

was talking about loincloths is it has to do with clothing. Oh, they don't have to wear, like, suit and tie. Yes, they're relaxing the dress code. Very good. Welcome to Cas casual Congress. On Monday, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer announced the Senate would no longer be enforcing its longstanding dress code. So apparently, as we heard from Bill, Senator Whitehouse felt finally free to take off his

loincloth. Everybody believes that this was done for the benefit of Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman, who famously dresses like that pile of laundry in the corner, come to life. Yes. He looks a lot like the wardrobe that my son brought home

from college with him this summer. And this has taken the legs right out from under my, you know, dress for the job you want to have I think he's dressing for the job he wishes it was I mean I hate this I hate when comedians wear shorts on stage I don't want to see anybody's lower thigh

I don't want to see any kneecaps cover it up I don't like people's bodies cover it up Why? What do you find objectionable to lower thighs and kneecaps? I don't like people's bodies. Cover it up. Cover it up. Okay. But I will say that it's going to really help places like JCPenney and Gant. Yeah, exactly. Not to mention, and I say this in all respect to Senator Fetterman, goodwill.

This is going to kill the men's warehouse in D.C. Susan Collins, one of the people who did not like this change, she announced that she would wear a bikini on the Senate floor in protest. That's true. She said that. It's just the latest thing that Susan Collins had said she would do

that she won't do. that Susan Collins had said she would do, that she won't do. All right, Pat, your next quote is from the United States Marine Corps. If you have any information on its whereabouts, please call us. The Marine Corps was asking earlier this week for all good citizens' help in finding a what that they had misplaced. Like a flag? Oh, no, bigger than a flag, certainly more expensive than a flag. Mine had a flag on it. It might have had a flag painted on the fuselage.

Does that help? Oh, gosh, a big, big, big bummer. Close enough, a fighter jet They lost an F-35. Gone. They misplaced it. It was in their other pants, I guess. The bad news, they lost a $100 million stealth fighter jet. The good news is, the stealth part works.

And this is true. This thing just flew off and disappeared without its pilot, and the Marine Corps got so desperate, they put up a request for the public to look for it. They had to put up flyers on lampposts. And the saddest part, the saddest part of this

whole adventure was watching the poor pilot walking around the airbase parking lot, clicking his key, hoping he'd hear that beep. They do look alike. It's like Subarus. It really is, man. It really is. And of course, all the Marines drive the same fighter jet. You know, it's too bad they didn't have some kind of,

I don't know, like if there's an electronic, like, tracking system. No, see, this is the lesson, Tom. Yes, you cannot skimp no matter how many people complain. You cannot skimp on these major weapon systems. They should have paid 30 bucks for the air tag. Yes. I'll tell you, find

my plane right here on my watch. Exactly. Pat, your last quote is Kim Kardashian. And she was telling us all about her favorite new medical procedure. It's really saving my friend's lives. Kardashian was talking about this hot new status symbol among the rich and famous like her, going to a clinic and getting a full body what?

Yikes. Yikes, indeed. Booty reduction? Nice. Good. Now. Nice effort, Pat. Now.

I like that. I like that. A full-body booty reduction. I completely can see, given who we're talking about, why you might think that. No, it's not that. It's full-body MRI scans. Move over, private jets. Celebrities and influencers are bragging about going to get full body MRIs,

which health insurance does not cover and cost $2,500 a pop. Doctors do not recommend this. That's why insurance doesn't cover it. Because the MRI always has false positives. It finds odd things in your body that aren't dangerous at all. They're just like the pimples and scars you have in your skin The only way this would be less useful as while you were in there the doctor read you your horoscope Paying was it 2,500 bucks? Yeah, 2,500 bucks

I mean if I was gonna spend 2,500 bucks to give me that much to worry about I would just buy a used car Seriously, yeah, I'll just buy a used car. It was like, seriously. Well, I'll be honest. If this is a trend, I'm ahead of it. I had to get a scope done to my knee, so I have an MRI from like 10 years ago, and it is hot. You were, yeah. Implementing. You were a train shaker.

You could look deep into my knees. We have to say, since we've been mocking these people, that it has worked out well for some people. Earlier this year, TV host Maria Menounos, she did this, and she found out she had an early stage cancer that could be treated. And recently, Bill Maher did it, and he learned that nobody likes him. What organ does that show up in? Bill, how did Pat do in our quiz? Well, Pat, it is my birthday.

So we'll be kind. So we're going to give you two out of three. That is a win in this contest. Congratulations. Pat, thank you so much for playing. Take care. Thanks, Pat, thank you so much for playing. Take care. Thanks, Pat. Thank you.

Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Tom, a concierge, as I'm sure you know, usually works at a hotel. They help people book tours or restaurant tables, whatever they need. Now there's a similar kind of professional concierge who will provide any service that you might need as you do what? We're not back to restroom attendance, please. No, we are not. Okay, good. No, no, no.

I need a hint. I will. Well, they will decorate your dorm room, but they will not go through the frat hazing for you. Oh, my God. If you're in a college? Yes, a college student. A college concierge, a college concierge, or they're called campus concierges, but they're essentially moms for hire. Oh man,

they've jobbed out helicopter parents. They have. They will do anything you need. They'll decorate your dorm room. They'll bring you home cooked meals. They'll pick up your medicine for the pharmacy, whatever your 19 year old prefrontal cortex is still too primitive to understand. I would have probably misused that service a lot. Like when the Pink Floyd record got to the end and was just like skipping, skipping. It would be like, would you get that? Yeah, they would have ate this up on my college campus. I went to Boston College.

It was a bunch of rich kids. Yeah. And they would actually put up signs to say, will somebody do my laundry? Because they didn't know how to do laundry. You are kidding me. I'm not kidding you. So where would they put up these signs?

In the dorm. Would somebody do my laundry? Like asking a poorer student. Really? Absolutely. Really? Absolutely. Yes, these kids were very rich. And in the meantime, can anybody find my plane?

I lost it. Yeah. Coming up, we upstage a giant ball of twine. It's our Bluff the Listener game. Ball one, triple eight, wait, wait to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Tom Beaudet, Joyelle Nicole Johnson, and Eugene Cordero. And here again is your host, at the Studebaker Theatre in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal.

Thank you, Bill. Right now. in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Right now, it is time once again for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff, the listener game called 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Chris Chesna. I'm in Chicago, Illinois.

Chicago. You want to come down and do this in person? We'll wait. What do you do here in the finest city in the world? I'm a high school teacher. You are? Yeah. Do you work for the public schools,

for Chicago Public Schools? I do, yeah. Uplift High School in Uptown. Uplift in Uptown. All right, man. Well, thank you for that. Thank you. So, Chris, it's great to have you. You're going to play our

game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Chris's topic? Come visit the Emerald Isle. There are so many reasons to visit Ireland. You know them. The lush scenery, the excellent whiskey, the magical stone you can make out with. This week, we learned

about a brand new tourist attraction in Ireland. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth. You'll win the weight-weighter of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to play? Alright. Alright. First, let's hear about an attraction in Ireland from Eugene Cordero.

Alright. On a recent business trip to Dublin, mixed martial arts fan Andrew Hogan jumped at a chance to partake in the Conor McGregor experience. The tour included where the fighter grew up and his training camp. But what sets this experience apart is that you have an opportunity to actually fight McGregor. Well, I'm McGregor, not Conor. There is a sliding scale for each family member. You can select Conor's 84-year-old grandfather for a three-minute spar,

or his Aunt Clara, who many assume is a pushover, until word got around that she's a freak in the ring and a beast of a striker. The tour concluded with drinks with Patrick McGregor and family at the Black Forge Inn, a pub Conor owns. And after a night of drinking, the last thing you want to do is get into a fight, Andrew adds. I'm happy my fight happened first. The Conor McGregor experience where you get to fight any member of his family you choose. Your next story of an invitation to Ireland comes from Tom Bodette. Tourists and amateur astronomers flock like sheep to the round feeder when word spread of the overnight appearance of a mysterious crater on Port Marnock Beach near Dublin.

appearance of a mysterious crater on Port Marnock Beach near Dublin. Local astronomy enthusiast David Kennedy ascertained the large hole almost certainly had cosmic origins and retrieved a stone from the crater for further testing. While Mr. Kennedy pursued the scientific origins of the crater, social media put its hive mind genius to work and revealed the truth behind the crater's creation. It was a hole dug by Charlie Wallace and Peter McAvoy using a plastic shovel. Several experts commented that had the crater been caused by a meteorite, it would have sure been something. Mr. Kennedy is going to have his rock tested anyway because you never know. his rock tested anyway because you never know. A mysterious crater with a meteor in it draws tourists to a beach near Dublin, only to discover eventually that it was just a hole the two guys dug. Your last story of an emerald attraction comes from Joyelle Nicole Johnson. For the last

20 years, the famed castle in Kilkenny has had to compete with another major attraction, Kilkenny has had to compete with another major attraction, the Guinness Book of World Records largest shepherd's pie, cast in resin in Matt Miller's pub. The pie was made in 2003 by the owner's dear mom Maeve and her merry band of pie makers and weighs in at a wondrous 10,000 kilograms. For Americans, that's 22,000 pounds. And for dumb Americans, that's very heavy. The issue, however, unruly clientele keep damaging the pie. Surrounded by billiards, tables, darts, and drunk people looking for a quick snack, the pie is under constant threat. What began with a do not touch sign progressed to a velvet rope and ended with a mesh fence.

But nothing has worked and the pie has crumbled over the years. So this week they're putting the pie out of its misery. It's set for destruction at the annual Kilkenny pub crawl. When asked if he'll miss his main attraction, Matt Miller responded with a resounding, I will in me hole. Which is Irish for hell no alright which of these drew tourists to Ireland was it from Eugene Cordero the Conor McGregor experience

where you get to see where he trains and fight any member of his family you think you can take from Tom Baudet a mysterious crater formed by a meteorite and or two Irish guys with shovels on the beach, or from Joelle Nicole Johnson, the largest shepherd pie in the world,

carefully preserved, but that could not be protected from hungry pub goers. Which of these is the real story of an Irish tourist attraction? I think I'm going to go with the Cosmic Hole. The Cosmic Hole. That is Tom's story about the big hole on the beach that people thought

was a visitor from another world but was just a hole. Alright, well, to bring you the correct answer, we are going to hear from someone reporting on the real story. The mystery of the hole on the North Dublin beach has apparently been solved, denting the hopes of a local

space enthusiast. That was Colette Fitzpatrick reporting for Virgin Media News, who first broke the story about the lads who dug the newsworthy hole. Congratulations, you got it right. Thank you. The point for Tom, you've won our prize. The voice of your choice on your voicemail. I've got to ask you, what grade do you teach? Ninth grade. Ninth grade, so freshmen. Do you think that they, the freshmen, are going to be impressed that you won on this show?

I think so, if they're NPR listeners, for sure. Well, there you are. It turns out that age, about 14, is the absolute center of our demographic. So thank you. Thank you so much for playing. Take care. Thanks, Chris.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. And now the game where we ask people who do one thing about another thing entirely. It's called Not My Job. How To with John Wilson on HBO is very hard to describe. It's a documentary series about living in New York, but it's also about coincidences and random chance,

obsessive interests and hobbies and sewage mishaps. I cannot actually explain it even though I love it. So in order to give that a try, we've invited on the show's creator, director, and star, John Wilson. Welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Yeah, thank you for having me. It's great to have you.

So I know you've had to do this many times over the three seasons of your show, but can you explain what it is? The way I originally pitched it was just, it's kind of like Planet Earth, but for New York City, you know, but instead of David Attenborough narrating it, it's me. Right. And, you know, and I have to film everything. Right.

And just to give people a flavor of it who haven't seen it, you'll start off in New York City and you'll start with a basic proposition, how to find a parking space, how to split a check, how to appreciate wine, how to watch a game, whatever, very basic stuff. And by the end of the episode, you have had this bizarre adventure that has led you to the most bizarre people and places, a convention of vacuum cleaner collectors. Oh, yeah, they were great. Yeah.

So when did you start to do these films? Because apparently you've been making them long before they were aired on HBO. Yeah. I started making them around 2010. It just kind of grew into this thing where, like, I guess it had a budget, you know, and then I was able to make props,

and someone else kind of bought the whiteout that I make the titles with. So, yeah, the titles are done in whiteout, seemingly painted across the screen, and you're saying that that show, when I see the whiteout handwritten across my screen giving me the title, I'm looking at HBO's budget. Their money, that Time Warner money up on the screen.

That's what you're telling me. Exactly. I have a lifetime supply. But, you know, I feel like Game of Thrones, the paper plate budget for Game of Thrones is probably more than the cost of my show in general. Right. And I have to ask you, you run into these amazing people who tell you these astonishing things about themselves or their interests. Are they all real? And did you, in fact, find them by accident?

Yeah, these are all real people. And that's what I want to stress more than anything. I'm often encountering these people just like as I walk around. I went to this referee store that was in my neighborhood three different times, just trying to meet a referee and waiting for one to invite me to something. I'm going to suggest that it's a little surprising it took you three visits to meet a referee in a referee school. It took you three visits to meet a referee in a referee school. Well, yeah, it was kind of a low-traffic environment.

But, you know, they had a lot of nice whistles for sale. So the third time that he described the whistles to me, finally a ref walked in, and he miraculously invited me to a dinner filled with referees, which turned into, you know, this kind of chaotic scene when I finally got there. But I spent a lot of time and I tried really hard to make sure that whatever's on screen is authentic. It is amazing about the number of shots you have of just people in New York doing just incredibly interesting things that always, when you write your narration to it, it's an effect that's hard to describe. But I imagine it's hard to get all that footage

that's so perfect for every moment. Yeah, I mean, I shoot a lot of the stuff myself, but I have four to five amazing teams of second-unit shooters that go out every single day during production and just shoot for hours and hours every day with a scavenger hunt list. So can you give me a sample of what's... I'm one of your crews, what would be in my list

for a day? What kind of thing? Something like a Poland spring bottle filled with urine. Oh, give me something unusual. Or houses that look like faces, you know, something like that. Do you ever suspect that after a successful day of filling out your list that they just gave up, bought a bottle of Poland Spring themselves and drank it, waited a while? I try not to have a quota. Yeah, I understand. We understand that you have a background in more traditional reality TV.

Do you enjoy watching, like, when you're off duty, I guess, enjoy watching reality TV? Is that your genre? Yeah. I watch a lot. What was I watching? I mean, I watch Below Deck. That's the one about the people who work on the yachts, right?

Yeah, you know,s right yeah you know you just you know it's nice to see people just doing a nice job sure thrilling did you watch the premiere of Golden Bachelor oh you're excited no

I'm sorry I was misinformed. I was misinformed. No, I think it comes out on the 28th. So clearly... I think. So clearly you're excited for it. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I may make some kind of spinach dip for it. Whoa. How to make spinach dip, man, if you ever want to go back into season four. Well, John Wilson, it's been a pleasure to talk with you today,

but we have asked you here to play a game we're calling How Not To. So, obviously, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're in the business of instructing people how to do things. We're going to ask you

about instances of people having to tell others not to do things. Answer two or three correctly of these questions. You will win our prize for one of our listeners. The voice of anyone they might choose for their voicemail. Bill, who is John Wilson playing for? Linda Barton of Seattle, Washington. All right.

Here's your first question, John. When the Kilauea volcano erupted in 2018, the U.S. Geological Survey released a warning advising people to not do what? A, surf on the lava flow, B, roast marshmallows in the volcanic vents, or C, play the floor is lava with the actual lava. Oh, wow. Yeah. the floor is lava with the actual lava.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Gee, I guess there's a lot of surfers there, but I can't tell if they're like a s'mores kind of culture. I guess let's go with the, I think I might go with the s'mores. You're right. No, I mean marshmallow. Yeah, yeah, you're right.

I knew what you meant, and you were correct. Okay, cool. They told people, please don't roast marshmallows with volcanic vents. In addition to being quite dangerous, the USGS said, your marshmallows will end up tasting bad. Oh, yeah, that sounds gross. All right, next question. Some warnings are legally required, but are meant to be ignored.

Such as which of these? A, a warning on grape juice during prohibition that said, don't put this jug in a cupboard for 20 days or it will turn into wine. B, a warning that came on Nerf guns saying, do not point at your brother, especially not at his nads. Or C, a warning on pot gummies saying, do not take and then one hour later watch the movie Cats.

I, oh, geez. All right, let's go with wine, just because. That's it, yes. Okay, great, yes. You got it. All right, I'm going with my gut. You're going with your gut, really well. All right, One more question.

It is, of course, a litigious society. We know this. So manufacturers have to put warnings on their products to keep people from using them incorrectly or dangerously. Which of these is real? A wheelbarrow with the warning, not intended for highway use. B, a label on a baby stroller,

remove child before folding. Or C, on the old iPod shuffle, do not eat. I've always wanted to eat an iPod shuffle. They come in those little fruit colors. They look like they're flavored. Is that your choice? I know, they really should. I feel like it's got to be either the baby or the iPod. I guess I'm going to go with the, even though it's,

I feel like a lot of people have been tempted to eat the iPod. I feel like it's probably the baby. All three of them were real. Wow. They're all, all of the above. Yes. Wow. Yeah. Wait, the first one was what? The first one was a wheelbarrow not intended for highway use. I'm sure, I mean. You can do that, though. You can still do that. You can take scooters on the highway.

I'm just going to tell you all that if this were an episode of John's TV show, the next scene would be somebody in a wheelbarrow going down the highway. Yeah. Bill, how did John Wilson do in our quiz? Three out of three, John. Good luck. There you go. You're a winner. I know you didn't win an Emmy. I hope this makes up for it. Yeah. It absolutely does. This is

all the validation I needed. John Wilson is an Emmy-nominated filmmaker. The third and final season of How To With John Wilson is streaming now on Max. Binge the whole thing.

It is astounding. John Wilson, thank you so much. Thank you so much. For being on our show. Thank you, John. Awesome to see you. Thanks for the amazing show.

Love you guys. Take care. Thank you so much. For being on our show. Thank you, John. Awesome to see you. Thanks for the amazing show. Love you guys. Take care. Thank you. In just a minute, Bill reveals an exciting secret for nerds everywhere in our listener limerick challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us in the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz.

I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Joyelle Nicole Johnson, Eugene Cordero, and Tom Beaudet. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody. In just one minute, we are selling limericks for a rhyme a dozen in our Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, a panel of some more questions for you from this week's news.

some more questions for you from this week's news. Eugene, the Wall Street Journal reports that many people are now using high-tech and precise data to improve their performance while doing what? Oh, my brain goes to the wrong place. Well, if you're thinking what I'm thinking, you're not as far off as you might believe because what we're talking about is something that is done in the same location. Oh, sleeping. Yes, sleeping. Very good.

Oh, I should have answered what I do more of. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, everybody sleeps, but only the truly dedicated sleepers are incredibly annoying about it. So these are people who use fitness trackers to improve their quality of sleep. They boost their scores on their fitness tracker when they wake up. They use blackout curtains, white noise machines, whatever works. And this is true. One of the problems is they lose sleep worrying about getting a good sleep score. And it's pointless.

Nobody can catch the guy at the top of the leaderboard. He's in a coma. I don't need an app. I just need somebody to wake up with my kids. Yeah, that's the problem. And then I'll get a full night's sleep. You and me both, brother. Yeah, I used to tell my boys when they were little

that Saturday morning we're having a sleeping contest, and it never caught on. No. It sounds like we've got the gear now. We've got the gear now. We could actually have a contest, and there could be a verifiable winner. One guy, and this is absolutely true, this is one guy who is obsessive about it. He says, and I quote him,

I have a 7% higher recovery score in the morning on days when I tape my mouth shut while asleep. Wow. He reports also that the first thing he talks to his girlfriend about when he wakes up is his sleep score. And the Wall Street Journal, as of Showtime, has yet to add the correction that she is now his ex-girlfriend. I have allergies and asthma.

If I taped my mouth shut, I would die. But you'd get a hell of a score. Joelle, good news. A psychic claiming to have gleaned what the afterlife is like explains that when we die, we will go where?

The abyss? Well, that's not very good news, is it? I don't know. We'll go... This is pleasant. Oh, okay. With all of your loved ones who've passed before you. No. No. Pleasant. Pleasant. Pleasant.

Pleasant. Is it heaven? Boo. Well, some people think of this as heaven. They pay a lot of money to go to them here on earth. I'll give you a hint. Oh, strip clubs in Atlanta. I'll give you a hint.

That wasn't the answer? That wasn't the answer? That wasn't the answer. You've left the earth, but you can still get a mud mask treatment. Maybe a massage. Maybe the steam room. A spa? Yes, a day spa. Heaven is a day spa?

That's what she says. But you have to leave at night. Yeah. After we die... I don't believe her. Nope. After we die, she says,

and she is a psychic on TikTok. Oh. So, you know, take that to the bank. Yeah. She says, we will meet up with our deceased friends

and relatives at the, quote, spiritual day spa and they will help deceased friends and relatives at the, quote, spiritual day spa, and they will help you relax and heal from the difficulties of your human existence. They just rolf all your trauma. Yeah. You know, I had a near-death experience when I was 20 years old. I had a bad accident. And so, I know something about this. and it's not a spa, but it's very pleasant, whatever it was. And so I've ever since then, I've just thought whatever it is pretty cool. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. Were there any of those little like tabletop devices that make

water noises? Cause that would be definitely an indication that this woman was correct. No, but I can't, when I woke up, I had a mani-pedi. Coming up, it's lightning fill-in-the-blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can catch us most weeks at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago where we are right now.

Or come see the Wait, Wait stand-up tour at a city near you. Coming up, we'll be in San Diego September 27th and San Francisco on September 29th. For more touring dates and for tickets to any live Wait, Wait show, go to nprpresents.org. Hi, you're on Wait Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hello. Hi, who's this? This is Jill Maurice from Dallas, Texas. Hey, how are things in beautiful Dallas? A lot cooler now than they

have been, but I'm about to fall off my chair because I'm so nervous I'm sweating like a goose. Is that one of those colorful Texan expressions I've heard so much about? It is now. There you are. Well, Jill, welcome to the show. Bill Curtis, of course, is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you'll be a big winner. Here is your first limerick. 3D printing can help get a famine. Pinkish proteins we'll have to examine. We'll print fishy fillets you can put on display. It's a foodstuff inspired by...

Salmon! Salmon, yes! Science has strayed even further from the light of God by coming up with a way to 3D print vegan salmon. Printing and fish seems like a bad combination. You're printing your fish. You get an error message. Open tray, remove fish jam, close tray.

I just don't want to end up at a restaurant and just go, you know what, ask the chef to just type something out for me. Yeah, exactly. Isn't that just called McDonald's? Yeah, it is. All right, here is your next limerick. For strong couples, this type is preferred. He speaks Klingon and knows elvish words. He has bought his own wand and will never abscond. For true happiness, marry a nerd. Yes, nerd. More and more women online are championing nerds as the best husbands. Can I get an amen from our audience? Yes. best husbands. Can I get an amen from our audience? Yes. My boo is a nerd, so I will

rep for the nerds. Is he really? Yes. What kind of nerd? He's a mechanical keyboard enthusiast. Whoa! Those aren't even words that belong together. So when you say mechanical keyboard, you mean like actual pianos as opposed to like electronic? No, actual keyboards

for computers. I just bought him one for his birthday and I was in the store with all the nerds and they were like trying to tell me which one to get because I have no idea because I'm cool. But yeah, and they like the tactile feel and there's different feels and he builds the keyboard, he'll lube the things. It's a very expensive hobby. And so would you concur with this finding that nerds are good to date? Absolutely. So that's hot. Always a nerd, never a comedian.

Yeah. Here's your last limerick. In my multidimensional classes, I give healing, but not to the masses. Just you few, select wise, will emerge with new eyes. When you leave, you'll no longer need... Glasses. Glasses. According to a wellness coach in Canada,

you do not actually need glasses. Samantha Lotus says that when your eye doctor says you need glasses, he is lying to you. Unlike this wellness coach who says her name is Samantha Lotus. She says you can change your eyesight by repeating eye affirmations such as my eyes are healthy and

see clearly. It may sound odd, but Ms. Lotus herself has spent months repeating I can get people to pay money for this. And it's worked out well. My LASIK is not failing. My LASIK is not failing. My LASIK is not failing. Why can't I read the highway signs anymore?

Many of her patients tried this, and they were able, she says, to throw their glasses away. They feel great. Their eyes feel great, even if the rest of them hurt from constantly walking into walls. Bill, how did Jill do in our quiz? Jill got them all right. My compliments. Great.

Thank you, Jill, for playing. Take care. Bye-bye. Now, on to our final game. Lightning fill in the blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?

Eugene and Tom each have three. Joelle has two. All right. So, Joelle, that means that you are in second place. So you're going to be up first. The clock will start when they begin your first question. I'm panicking, all right. Don't panic.

Here we go. On Tuesday, the House Oversight Committee scheduled its first hearing on Blank's impeachment. Oh, Joe Biden? Yeah, I know. On Thursday, over 40 students were injured when a Blank crashed in New York. Oh, a bus.

Yes, a bus. On Wednesday, President Zelensky was in New York to address the Blank. New, a bus. On Wednesday, President Zelensky was in New York to address the blank. New York Stock Exchange. No. I just always wanted to ring the bell. The United Nations, the U.N. Security Council. A woman in Minnesota who was just trying to retrieve her Apple Watch had to be pulled out of a blank by a rescue crew.

A well? No, an outhouse toilet. That's like a well. Hold on. I say this for your own safety. No, it outhouse toilet. That's like a well. Hold on. I say this for your own safety. No, it is not. This week, it was revealed that Blank wrote to-do lists on classified documents. Donald Trump?

Yes. On Tuesday, federal prosecutors began to examine perks offered by Tesla to CEO Blank. Elon Musk? Yes. This week, Agatha Christie's book Halloween Party was officially republished with the to examine perks offered by Tesla to CEO blank. Elon Musk? Yes. This week, Agatha Christie's book Halloween Party was officially republished with the new title A Haunting in Venice, despite the fact that blank. It didn't happen in Venice.

And it didn't have a haunting. Very good. So what happened was, after taking on more popular works like Murder on the Orient Express and Death on the Nile, the screenwriters for this new movie were excited to adapt this lesser-known Agatha Christie book, Halloween Party, which is why all they changed was the title and the location, the plot, the solution, and most of the characters.

Still, the new title is the perfect way to find out who in your book club didn't actually read the book. Oh, I really like the part about the haunting in Venice. Bill, how did Joelle do in our quiz? She's been reading something. She got five right. Ten more points. Total of 12.

Oh, and my birthday's September 12th. There you go. It all works. That's why you're so smart. It all comes together. All right. Eugene, I'm arbitrarily choosing you to go next. Here we go. Fill in the blank.

On Wednesday, the White House announced that Americans would receive another round of free blank tests. A COVID test. Yes. On Thursday, House Republicans blocked debate on a proposed spending bill, pushing the country closer to blank. To the freeze, or like the... What is that? It's the... Everybody stopped.

A stop thing, where everybody stops. The stop thing, also known as the government shutdown. Shutdown. Everything stops. Everything stops. This week, the Federal Reserve chose to leave blanks unchanged. Interest. Right. This week, a nine-and-under football game in Pennsylvania

was delayed after a fistfight broke out between blank. Oh, dads. No, between the refs. Oh. On Tuesday, stand-up comic Blank admitted to fabricating some of the stories he tells on stage. Oh, Hassan. Yeah, this week a woman in Egypt injured in a shark attack is blaming the incident on

Blank. The shark? Well, she's blaming... More so than that, she's blaming the incident on the fact that she had thought the shark was a tuna fish. So the woman and her friends were enjoying a day on the beach when they saw what they thought

was this large tuna fish, just in the water, so they started swimming towards it. Unfortunately, it was a shark, and the entire beach had to be evacuated. It might seem like a simple mistake, but they really should have known something was up when they were swimming out, and they said, look at that tuna! And then the supposed tuna itself spun

around and said, where? I'm hungry. Well, I mean, they did believe their eyes were better. That's true. Yeah. Bill, how did Eugene do in our quiz? Pretty good. Four right, eight more points.

But 11 is trailing Joyelle by one. All right. This is some pretty good performances. How many, then, does Tom need to win? Five to win. All right. Ready, Tom? This is for the game.

On Wednesday, House Republicans accused Attorney General Merrick Garland of using the Justice Department to protect blank. Hunter Biden. Yes. Following weeks of negotiating, five U.S. prisoners were released by blank on Monday. Iran. Yes. Hunter Biden. Iran. Oh, Joint Chiefs staff. Yes, on Thursday it was announced that Blank's son Lackland would take over his media empire. Rupert Murdoch. This week a man in Australia was fined over $2,000 after he was caught blanking at the beach.

Oh, digging a giant crater with a plastic shovel. No, he was found teaching his python to surf. You can do that. I mean, that's ambitious. Why would you arrest that guy? I don't know, man. I mean, what if it worked? On Tuesday, United Auto Workers announced more planned blanks at GM plants. Pickets or

strikes? Yeah, strikes. This week, a court in Denmark ruled that a conceptual artist must repay a museum $60,000 after the museum gave him the money and he gave them two blank canvases. Two blank canvases. That's exactly right. Over a year ago, the museum paid this

artist over $60,000 to recreate one of his more famous pieces for the museum, and instead, he sent them two blank canvases, which he said was an artwork titled, Take the Money and Run. Oh, yes. Love it. Now, a court has ruled, sorry, it's not art. He has to give all that money back. The ruling has inspired Henning's latest work, a performance piece called Fleeing to a Country

that Does Not Have an Extradition Treaty with Denmark. Oh, man. Bill, did Tom do well enough to win? Tom got six right, 12 more points. Wins with 15. Yay! Thank you. That was hard.

You did it, though. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict, now that they are all getting full-body MRIs, what surprising thing will be found inside a celebrity? But first, let me tell you all that Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord,

Philip Godeka, Red Star Limericks, our public address announcer is Paul Friedman, our tour manager is Shana Donald. Thanks to the staff and crew at the Studebaker Theatre. BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian King. Special thanks this week to Vinnie Thomas,

Blythe Roberson, and Monica Hickey. Our F-35, Gwyn, missing, answers to the name of Peter. We are asking the public for help finding him. Our vibe curator is Emma Choi. Technical directions from Lorna White. Our CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilog,

and the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike, father of Stinky Danforth. Now, panel, what would be the big surprising thing that we will find inside a celebrity? Tom Bodette. Maybe not a surprise, but it's now scientifically proven that Jared Kushner is an empty suit. Joyelle Johnson. They will find out who hurt them. They will find out who hurt them. And Eugene Cordero.

They'll find out that they all have this snake oil tumor in their brain that causes them to forget all moral compass, and, you know, they can sell anything to anybody. Yes, well, if any of that happens, we're going to ask you about it here on Wait, Wait. Don't tell me. Thank you, Bill Curtis, and happy birthday. Thanks also. Thank you. Thanks also to Tom Bodette, Joy L. Nicole Johnson, and Eugene Cordero.

Thanks to our fabulous audience here at the Studebaker Theatre. Thank you all of you for listening at home or wherever you are. I'm Peter Sagan. We'll see you next week in L.A. This is NPR.