Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Zach Galifinakis

Episode Date: September 21, 2019

Zach Galifinakis, comedian, joins us along with panelists Bobcat Goldthwait, Roxanne Roberts, and Alonzo Bodden.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Pack your bags, you're going on a Billy holiday. I'm Bill Curtis, and here's our host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Segal. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. We have a great show for you today, as per usual. Later on, we're going to be talking to the comedian Zach Galifianakis about his new movie

Between Two Ferns, The Movie. This is a movie based on his hit internet talk show in which he invites on celebrities and takes great care to make his interviews hilariously awkward and uncomfortable. The joke is on him because we do it without even trying. Well, we'll be nice to you. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT.

That's 1-888-924-8924. Now, let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Rebecca Lipinski. I'm calling from Woodland Park, New Jersey. Woodland Park, New Jersey? Yeah. I'm from Jersey.

What do you do there? I own Noteworthy Academy of Music with my husband. Oh, wonderful. So you're teaching music to kids. Yep. Yes, I have a rule. I never make fun of people who do that because I believe that you are giving them magical powers.

Oh, so many magical powers. So many magical powers. Convince them of that, and then maybe they'll practice. That's a trick. Well, welcome to the show, Rebecca. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, it's a comedian and director whose series Misfits and Monsters is available on Amazon. It's great to have him back. Bobcat Goldthwait is here. Well, thank you. Next, a feature writer for the style section of the Washington Post, it's Miss Roxanne Roberts. Hello, Rebecca.

And finally, it's a comedian you can see at the Denver Improv October 11th through the 13th, and he's the host of the new podcast, Fear Not. It's Alonzo Bowden. Hello. So, Rebecca, welcome to the show. We're glad to have you. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to perform for you

three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to go? Let's do it. Let's. Your first quote is a rhetorical question.

Is anybody dumb enough to believe that I would say something inappropriate with a foreign leader? Who? So who doesn't believe that people are dumb enough to believe something that happens all the time. Could it be President Trump? It could be President Trump. Very good. So sometime this last summer, the president made a quote promise to a foreign leader, and somebody in the intelligence community was so upset they filed a whistleblower report. By law, that report is supposed to be handed to Congress, but the White House said,

Nuh-uh. So we don't know yet what the president actually said or to whom he said it, but whatever it is, it must be worse than the stuff we already know about, and that can only mean he has sold the earth to the aliens. You know, just leave me a golf course and some models. You can eat everybody else. Yeah, I think, you know, what in his mind is a foreign leader.

He truly may have been on the phone with Mary McCheese trying to get a golf course opened up and a McDonald's. It's exhausting. It really is. You know what else is exhausting? And our hearts go out to this person, whoever it is, the intelligence agents whose job it is is to listen to all of Donald Trump's phone calls.

That's always the person I feel sorry for. Or on any topic, there are experts and intelligent people around that have to listen to him. You know, like with the hurricane, there are meteorologists that are trained, and they see him with a crayon, and you know, all that's

going on is their head, like, I need this job, my kids are in school. Exactly. All the people around him, it's a little bit like, Frank Sinatra had a valet named Jilly. And once during Thanksgiving dinner, Don Rickles told me this story. Jilly, they had it at his house, and Frank got in his car and hit the wrong pedal and drove into the living room. Right.

In the car. Right. And Jilly, only thing he could say was, that's funny, boss. In the car. Right. And Jilly, the only thing he could say was, that's funny, boss. Here is your next quote.

I've always been more enthusiastic about costumes than is sometimes appropriate. That was a very prominent politician reacting to photos that surfaced this week of him in blackface. Who was it this time? Justin Trudeau. Yes, Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada. People are stunned. How could such a good-looking, charming guy

end up being such a jerk? The only people who saw that coming was every woman who's ever lived. Time magazine found a picture The only people who saw that coming was every woman who's ever lived. Time magazine found a picture of the Canadian Prime Minister wearing brownface, as they call it up there, complete with a turban for an Arabian Nights-themed party back in 2001. And to those who don't know, 2001 took place after 1865. The Prime Minister had a press conference where he apologized so much even Canadians were like, dude, tone it down.

This is a tough one. I'm not sure where to go with this one. No, I actually met him about two years ago, completely randomly. I was doing a show in ottawa and someone who worked at uh parliament invited he invited all three comics to to tour parliament the other two

blew it off but i went because we weren't doing anything and after lunch they were like do you want to meet justin trudeau and i was like yeah i mean when am i going to get to meet a head of state who knew i should have hit him yeah i didn't knew I should have hit him? Yeah, he didn't know. I should have just decked him. Yeah. I didn't know. But this is, and he said, like he said, now he knows it's racist. Yeah.

But back then. Yeah, well, you know. He didn't know. It was a more innocent time, 2001. Yeah, so do we chalk this one up to the high alcohol content of Canadian beer? I don't know. So he may lose his job, but his political career is not necessarily over. He can always be Prime Minister of Alabama.

Who would think the Republican Party would be anxious to welcome a Canadian? I know. That's an immigrant who understands us. All right, Rebecca, your last quote is the New York Daily News describing a crime committed in England this week that shocked the world. The bobbies are flushing out the chavs who nicked the loo at the British Bulldog's flat. So that was a story about the amazing brazen theft of what? Um, toilet? Yes, a gold toilet. brazen theft of what? Toilet?

Yes, a gold toilet. The solid gold working toilet was installed in a palace in England as part of an art exhibit. The title of this artwork was America. And you know we deserve that. So sometime last week, somebody walked in,

unbolted it. It is a working toilet. It was a working toilet. Unbolted it and walked out with it. It's a toilet made of gold in a palace and it had less security

than the toilet at Starbucks. The primary suspect, who they have caught, is reportedly planning on going with the defense. Well, it didn't flush, and I panicked. We've been there. They still haven't recovered the toilet, but when they do, the owner says he'll be quite relieved. the owner says he'll be quite relieved. How do you do that? All right, so I understand the unbolting part,

but toilets are big and they're heavy. You know how you do it? You have a hand truck and a clipboard. Actually, probably exactly right. When you walk through somewhere like you're supposed to be there and you have a clipboard, nobody asks questions. It's like, oh, it's a toilet moving guy. Yeah, he's here to move the toilet.

He's got to be in a different, like, yeah, I got to move it upstairs. And you just walk right past. Anyway, the theft did make news around the world and has already inspired what will be next year's great heist movie, Ocean's Number Two. Bill, how did Rebecca do in our quiz? Rebecca nicked three in a row. Congratulations, Rebecca. Thank you so much for playing. We want to remind everybody they can join us most weeks right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Illinois. For tickets and more information, go over to WBEZ.org, or you can find a link at our website, waitwait.npr.org.

Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Bobcat, police in Ohio pulled over a vehicle that was blasting music while the people inside were drinking beers. That is not that unusual. What's unusual is that the vehicle was a what? It was a... They were Amish.

It was a coach. You're exactly right. It was an Amish buggy. Yeah. If this buggy's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'. Actually, I think the bumper sticker usually says, if this buggy's a-rockin', we're churnin'

butter. So the police, you know, hear this thumpin' bass and they found this Amish buggy blasting tunes with a case of beer strapped to the top and young Amish men inside drinking other beers. The police

pulled it over and the kids, Amish men inside drinking other beers. The police pulled it over, and the kids, Amish kids, saw it and ran off into the woods. But, of course, the horses kept going, leading to an exciting slow-speed chase. And when we talk about this, we talk about this community and their devotion to their traditional ways, but these kids clearly were not that devoted to this

way of life they were just Amish I was deeply impressed by their sort of commitment to sort of tradition and and yet it's like these were big speakers yes Yes. These were like giant. They tricked out this buggy. So it was like an underground club. Right. I thought it was adorable, actually. I think hip-hop has now penetrated every market. That's true.

I think once you get the Amish jam, you pretty much got it. Coming up, we're down to clown. It's our Bluff the Listener game called 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. What happens when Ronald McDonald walks into a poor immigrant neighborhood in the south of France and sets off a supersized revolution? The story of how a company slogan to sell more shakes and burgers became a rallying cry for workers in France. That's on NPR's Rough Translation.

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Alonzo Bowden, Roxanne Roberts, and Bob Cat Goldthwait. And here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal. Thank you very much, Bill. Right now, it is time for the

Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hiuff the listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you are on Wait, wait, don't tell me. Hi, this is Chandani. How are you? I'm fine.

Chandani, you say? Chandani, yes. Yeah, and where are you calling from, Chandani? I'm calling from the Peking Duck House in Chinatown. You're calling from

the Peking Duck House in Chinatown. Yeah. I'm having my 23rd birthday party. That's, wait a minute. All right.

Did you just drunk dial wait, wait? Exactly. Right now, you are at your 23rd birthday party? Yeah.

So, you're at your 23rd birthday party. Are your friends, like, watching you right now on the phone with us? Yes.

Okay. Well, a big hello to all your friends. Everybody from watching you right now on the phone with us? Yes. Okay. Well, a big hello to all your friends. Everybody from Wait, Wait says hello. All right, well, Chandani, here's what we're going to do. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Chandani's topic?

Send in the clowns. Everybody loves a clown, from Pennywise to John Wayne Gacy. Everybody loves a clown, from Pennywise to John Wayne Gacy. This week we read about a clown showing up in an unusual place for an unusual purpose. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth and you'll win our prize, the weight-waiter of your choice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

Yeah, I'm ready. First, let's hear from Bobcat Goldthwait. Peggy Russell of Leeds, England, thought surprising her daughter-in-law Kelly with a clown at Kelly's nursery-themed baby shower was a fun idea. It was not. What Peggy did not know was that Kelly, who was seven and a half months pregnant at the time, suffers from chlorophobia, the persistent and irrational fear of clowns. So when Pootie the Clown entered the party on his unicycle, blowing his bicycle horn,

Kelly screamed, broke into tears, and tossed a box of diapers at the unsuspecting Pootie's head, knocking him off of his unicycle. Then Kelly picked up a recently gifted bassinet stroller to beat Pootie with, and lifting said stroller up caused her to

break her water and to go into labor. While the panicked shower guest looked on, Pudi, whose real name is Aaron Fisher and whose other job is being an EMT at Leeds Fire Department, knew exactly what to do and sprung into action. Pudi reassured Kelly that he was just a man in a clown suit, not a murderer or a satanic demon,

calmed her down, and delivered Kelly's healthy seven-pound baby boy. Now Pootie is being heralded a hero. Peggy, who booked Pootie for the shower, said, It's funny how things work out. It's actually cheaper to book a clown than to call an ambulance. Pootie said, The whole time I was delivering the baby, I kept imagining how funny it would be

if a whole bunch of babies kept coming out. Pootie the Clown delivers a baby for a woman who was scared of clowns. Your next story of a clown in a new part of town comes from Roxanne Roberts. Sex is no laughing matter, but it should be, say Maxine and Thomas Flint, the Scottish husband and wife marriage counselors, who specialize in sexual incompatibility issues,

told BBC Radio this week that their most popular program is called Clowning Around in Bed. Inspired by a performer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in 2011, the Flints began incorporating clowns and their paraphernalia into treatment sessions. Quote, the biggest obstacle is shame and embarrassment, explained Maxine. This lets patients see how silly sex can be. The doctor started by putting patients in oversized costumes to take the focus off their bodies. To talk about erectile dysfunction, they use under-inflated balloons.

The final assignment, couples must attempt to have sex in the back seat of a tiny clown car. Clowns in sex therapy in Scotland and your last story of a clown found outside the big top comes from Alonzo Bowden.

Getting fired can be tough, but at least the country of New Zealand has a heart. When called to what they call a redundancy meeting, employees are allowed by law to bring someone with them for emotional support. Most people bring a friend or a spouse. Advertising exec Josh Thompson brought a clown, an emotional support clown. He got an email requesting a meeting with management, which

told him of his legal right to bring a support person. Josh, fearing the worst but hoping for the best, said, quote, I thought either way it's best to bring in a professional, so I paid $200 and hired a clown. Sure enough, he was fired, but the clown did his job. While Josh signed the papers giving him severance, the clown mimed crying big clown tears. Though Josh did say, quote, it was rather noisy him making balloon animals, so we had to tell him to be quiet from time to time. Happily, a picture taken of the redundancy meeting with Josh dressed for business and the clown dressed for clowning went viral. So everybody came out well. Josh got another job in advertising, and presumably the clown will be getting lots more bookings. Sure, a firing isn't as much fun as a kid's birthday party,

said the clown, but with It Chapter 2 in theaters now, a clown can't be too choosy about work. All right. So a clown showed up in person or in spirit in an unusual place, and we found out about it this week. Was it from Bobcat Goldthwait, Pootie the clown sent to a baby shower,

scares the woman so much he induces labor, and then he helps the delivery. From Roxanne, clowns being used in sex therapy in Scotland just to take, you know, the tension out of the equation. Or from Alonzo, an emotional support clown accompanied a guy in New Zealand as he was getting fired. Which of these is the real story of an unexpected clown in the news? As a millennial, I've got to say the emotional support clown. You've got to go with the emotional support clown. Okay, Chandani, so your choice is Alonzo's story

of the emotional support clown at the firing. Well, we spoke to a reporter who covered the real story. A man in New Zealand was called into a work meeting and feared he would be laid off, so he hired an emotional support clown. That's what happened. That was Siobhan O'Grady, a staff writer on the foreign desk at the Washington Post,

because democracy dies in darkness, talking about the emotional support clown in New Zealand. Alonzo was telling the truth. He gets a point, but more importantly, you got it right. You win a prize. Call it a birthday present, if you will, the voice of anyone you choose. Congratulations, Andana. Thank you.

And now the game where we ask people who have risen to the highest levels to come down back to ours. It's called Not My Job. So Zach Galifianakis is a comedian and a movie star, but he may be most well-known for his internet series Between Two Ferns. In it, he interviews real celebrities and says really mean things to them, and somehow the celebrities do not then arrange to have him killed. Between Two Ferns is now a

movie. It's premiering on Netflix, and Zach Galifianakis joins us now. Zach, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you so very much. It's a pleasure to have you. So, I watched the movie, which is hilarious. Thank you. And has a bunch of Between Two Ferns interviews. And celebrities actually want to be on your show, right? They want to come and do this. Um, I don't know.

I mean, I don't really know why they would want to do it. But it's not a prank show. I'm not trying to prank anyone. And if I understand correctly, you tell the celebrities their job is basically to sit there and just... Well, I tell them they don't have to be funny. They just have to sit there and be weirded out. Yeah. And we will give them insults to give back to me.

But sometimes in the moment we just get talking and the insults kind of fly naturally. I've cut an interview short because the person, and I don't want to reveal who it was, but the person was acting so well, I thought they were going to just choke me out in the parking lot. Really? So somebody was acting so upset at your character that you honestly thought that this was going that badly?

And I kind of said, we're done, to the director. And he said, we don't have anything. And I said, well, I want my life. You'd rather live. You can say Florence Henderson but it turned out that person just was that great of an actor I was just fooled by them so but I don't try I'm not trying to hurt anybody's feelings I just am trying to cause weirdness yeah and but it is amazing for example you did one with President Obama oh yeah I forgot about that oh yeah and

and so you're you're gonna go to the White House is when they were rolling out the Obamacare the Obamacare thing and they were trying to get it around to things the youth might watch and so when you got a chance to go do this bit with President Obama, what did you say to yourselves? I just couldn't believe, you know, even when we got to the White House, I was, I just thought they were going to, that it was never going to happen. And I was nervous. And actually, I sat on some historic furniture that was roped off at the White House twice. Really? Two different times.

I mean, was that like the rope tied between the arms? Yeah, it was next to the war room, or it was the war room, or the map room. And I didn't know that there was a velvet rope situation. And I had sat down on one of the seats. And then a security guard blew his whistle of my ear and then I I was so nervous I did it again Zach this is Roxanne Roberts did the president have any sense of or do any of the celebrities you interview had any sense when you start what you're gonna

ask or is it all news to them as you ask it is it like improvisation i don't give them the questions ahead of time um with president obama though because of limited time that one was more scripted than the others but he just kind of ran with it and a lot of that is improv really so i i in your interview with President Obama, you sit with the then President of the United States, and you say, if I remember correctly, how does it feel to be the last black president?

Yeah. And you said that to him. Yeah. And I legitimately thought he was about to kill you. Well, he doesn't have to kill me. He has people around him. That's true. That was one of the questions where I asked his speechwriter,

I pointed to that question before we taped it, and I said, has he seen that question? And the speechwriter looked at me and said, yeah, I think so. And just walked off like, of course he hasn't seen it. So when you were sitting there with the president and you didn't know that he knew you were about to ask that and you did it anyway. I'm playing an idiot. So when you're playing an idiot, you kind of get away with things because part of the comedy for this thing is how not to be as a human being. Right. Yes. So I don't know. He just took it in stride and his response, I think, was made up. Yeah. Well, what was, do you remember his response? He just told, he, I,

I can't remember exactly what it says, which is weird because I watch it 16 times a day. Yeah, I would too. I have to say, and I've seen Baskets, which is great as well, you often play people who are terrible people. They're not self-aware. They're not nearly as talented as they think they are. They're mean to people.

That's correct. So when will you be running for president? Yeah, yeah Well, Zach Galifianakis We have asked you here to play a game We're calling Between Two Derns We've been talking about Between Two Ferns

But what do you know about the Derns? Specifically, Bruce and Laura Dern, the father-daughter team of actors. Answer two out of three questions about the Derns, and you'll win our prize for one of our listeners, the voice of anyone they might choose from our show. Bill, who is Zach Galifianakis playing for? Johnny Mays of Austin, Texas. This month's winner of our Smart Speaker Quiz. Austin, Texas.

This month's winner of our Smart Speaker Quiz. Just ask your Alexa or Google Home-enabled device to open the Wait, Wait Quiz and be like Johnny. I feel vaguely cheap, Bill. How about you? Meanwhile, back to you, Zach. Are you ready to play this game? Yes, I am ready. Here's your first question.

Bruce Dern got his start by getting rave reviews in a Broadway play in 1958. What was unusual about his role? Was it A, he remained entirely still and entirely silent for the entire play, B, he spent only 52 seconds on stage, or C, he played the rear end of a horse? It is C. It is C, he played the rear end of a horse? Yes, yes.

It was actually B. That's what I meant. I understand, I understand. The theater critic Walter Kerr wrote of the play, which he did not like, quote, the play's saving grace is a 52-second performance by a heretofore unknown actor named Bruce Stern. But it started them off. All right, you still have two

more chances. There's no problem. Bruce Stern later was horribly criticized for another role. He even received death threats for doing it. Why? A, he played the title role in The Misunderstood Mussolini. B, he shot John Wayne in the back. Or C, he shot Raquel Welch in the front. Oh, boy. Is this for me again? This is for you, yeah. Um, B. You're right, it is B in this movie.

Wow. He shoots John Wayne in the back. Apparently, nobody had ever done this to John Wayne in his entire movie career. No villain had ever successfully killed John Wayne before the end of the movie. And John Wayne on set said to Bruce Dern, you know, people are going to hate you for this. And Bruce Dern said to him,

yeah, but they're going to love me in Berkeley. Which is a great line. All right. So we've been talking about Bruce Dern said to him, yeah, but they're going to love me in Berkeley. It's a great line. All right. So that we've been talking about Bruce Dern, the father. Let's talk about Laura Dern. Once while working on a David Lynch movie, Laura Dern told a producer, you're in a David Lynch movie, dude. You got to sit back and enjoy the ride. What was she referring to? A, David Lynch had just announced that for the rest of the filming, the catering would just be ice cubes in the shape of demons. B, David Lynch had just told the producer, from now on, Laura Dern over there is a kitty cat

and you are Laura Dern. Or C, David Lynch had told the producer he needed, quote, a one-legged woman, a monkey, and a lumberjack by 3.15 p.m. What are people saying in the audience? People are saying, we've got a bunch of David Lynch fans. C, right?

And they're all saying C, yes. Yeah, C. You're right, it was C. And in fact, the producer got them, but not until 4 p.m. Bill, how did Zach Galifianakis do in our quiz? He did very well. Zach, congratulations.

You got two out of three. Congratulations. Congratulations. Zach Galifianakis is a comedian, and he is the star of Between Two Ferns, the movie. It is streaming now on Netflix. Thank you so much, Zach Galifianakis. What a thrill to talk to you.

Thanks so much. Take care, Zach. Bye-bye. In just a minute, Bill opens with the Sicilian defense gambit in the Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPO. Malcolm Gladwell is one of the most well-known thinkers in the world.

But he says a lot of his fans don't know that he's black. White people don't know. Black people always know. How do you feel about that? I find it hilarious. Malcolm Gladwell on race, pop culture, and a whole lot more. Next time on It's Been a Minute from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz.

I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Alonzo Bowden, Bobcat Goldthwait, and Roxanne Roberts. And here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Segal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, in just a minute, Bill serenades us with a selection from Ein Reime Nachtlimmerichs. If you'd like to play, give us a call

at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Roxanne, just in time for Halloween this year, you can dress as a sexy whom?

I'm pretty sure this is the sexy Mr. Rogers. It is, tragically. It's wrong. It's so wrong. These are the same people. On so many levels. Same people who brought you the sexy corn and sexy handmaid's tail outfits last year.

This year, this costume, sexy Mr. Rogers, it's called the Be My Neighbor Costume Kit for copyright reasons. costume, sexy Mr. Rogers. It's called the Be My Neighbor Costume Kit. For copyright reasons. It comes with gray hot pants with a belt, a revealing cardigan, and a little collar and tie. Just the thing for guaranteeing every kid who sees you has a lifetime

of therapy. Is the costume for men or women? The costume as depicted is shown on a female model. Okay, I don't want to be, I mean, yeah. I mean, how's that go? You sit there and go,

yeah, yeah, take your shoes off. Yeah. All right. Now, now put on another, now put on another pair of shoes. Okay, feed the fish. Feed the fish. Feed the fish. All right, let's go to the land of make-believe.

Land of make-believe. Or, you know, the guy who asks his wife or girlfriend to wear that, she's got to be like, how sick are you? Like, what brought this on? Okay, I did the school girl, but Mr. Rodgers? I know.

Roxanne, this week in California, a man was arrested for calling in bomb threats to the L.A. County Fair. After being interrogated, he revealed his motive. Why did he do it? I'm going to need a hint.

Well, he lives in their basement, but he didn't want to have to spend all day with them. Okay, so he lives in his parents' basement. Yes. And they wanted to go to the fair, and they wanted him to go with him, and the only way that he could figure that he could get out of it

is by calling in a bomb threat? You pieced it together, Sherlock. Okay, all right, all right, all right. The 20-something man, he's in his 20s, had reluctantly agreed to a day with his folks at the L.A. County Fair, which, by the way, if you've never been, it's just like a normal county fair except the only animals being judged are Shar-Pays.

That's not true at all. At night, it gets a little meth-y. Yeah. It's a little sketchy. I think the reason he's still living in his parents' basement is that he has minimal problem-solving skills. Probably, yes. Doesn't seem to be good at confrontation.

Yes. Like they say, hey, we're going to the fair. He'd go, I don't feel like it. Doesn't seem to be good at confrontation Yes Like they say hey we're going to the fair He'd go I don't feel like it He just plays along Until he's like I gotta call in a bomb threat Look I can't have another Fried Twinkie Mom

You would actually get to choices like Fake my own death Before you arrive at calling a bomb threat How about just plain old diarrhea? Yeah. You know, go with a classic. Yeah. Always solid. I mean, no, well.

Alright. Alonzo, a new discovery shows that rats, just like us, like to do what? Wow. That's all you're going to give me on that one. Procreate?

Well, we knew that. Yeah. Live in New York? This is an unusual discovery. They love New York. All right. I'm going to need a hint. Yeah.

Well, they even count to 10 with their eyes closed. Oh, play hide and seek. That's exactly right. Researchers have successfully taught rats how to play hide and seek, and the rats love it. In the study, the rats played the game with humans. They either hid and waited to be found, or they let the human hide, and then they'd go find the human.

So just remember, the next time you walk through a gross alley, just yell, ready or not, here I come, and all the rats will go. By the way, I love this detail that normally we assume that you train rats with food. That's how they solve the maze, a little piece of cheese or whatever. No, they rewarded the rats for learning the game through tickles. This is true. Rats like to be tickled. I think you are low man on the lab totem pole when you're the rat tickler. That's your gig. Listen, if the rat gets found, step up. It's your time.

One of the least popular Marvel characters. Yes. The rat tickler. Just need a wall and nothing more Gather your friends and you are ready For high and sea Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT.

That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website. That's waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming 1,000th show in Salt Lake City on October 24th. Yes! 1,000 shows! And if you want even more Wait Wait during your week,

check out our quiz on your smart speaker. It goes up every Wednesday. It's Bill and me asking you questions, and we hear your responses. Just say, open the Wait, Wait quiz. Do well enough, you could win a prize. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hello, this is Donald Sosen in Lakeville, Connecticut. Hey, where is Lakeville, Connecticut, Donald?

We're tucked in the northwest corner of the state, right near New York and Massachusetts. Oh, I see. There's New York State, you mean. That's like where a lot of rich people live. When they're around. A lot of weekenders. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. A lot of people with their country. We're not among them. Do you like to break into their houses and mess with their stuff? No, I haven't tried that yet. Yeah. Thanks for the tip. All right.

Give it a try. Welcome to the show, Donald. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly into the limericks, you will be a winner. You ready to play? I'm ready.

All right, here is your first limerick. I am moving my night with finesse. With my gambit play, I'm in deep stress. Alder's pawns are a threat. Now I'm in deep stress. All those pawns are a threat. Now I'm dripping with sweat. I get fit while I sit playing chess. Exactly right. A Stanford researcher claims that chess players can burn 6,000 calories a day while playing in a tournament.

This finally explains why most of the top chess players are so incredibly fit. We assume that's true. We have no idea what the top chess players look like. They say that the stress of a high-stakes chess match

elevates your breathing and heart rate to what a marathon runner experiences without all that difficult moving. Could this come from, with all due respect to nerds, nerds that played chess that didn't want to play sports, that were like, yeah, I burn the same calories. Right. You're saying they just made this up. Yeah, of course. Something to tell their parents. Yeah. Yeah. I believe it. I'm not going to gym class. I'm going to chess club. Yeah. It's better for me. All right. here is your next limerick. As we buzz about times we have had, all us bees think of good things and

bad. We pollinate memories fondly and tenderly. Bees can be happy or sad. Yes, very good. This week we learned bees have memories, and they can tell the difference between a happy positive memory and a sad negative one. Happy memories are like finding a can of Coke at a picnic table, and sad memories are like finding your friends floating in it. So we all knew that bees were smart. They can do these dances, they can find flowers, they can tell their friends how to find it, but it doesn't explain why if they have memories,

they keep stinging people if they know that if they do that, they'll die. They have to remember the times their friends did that, and they died, right? But maybe the news is, then, that bees have memories, but they're also really dumb. Or maybe they're just like, hey, if you sting him, you're going to die. And he's like, I don't care. I hate that guy.

Exactly. I'm going to go out doing what I love. All right, here is your last limerick. My tortilla got hard as a Rocco. Now the library's in for a Shaco. This half-moon-shaped stain isn't hard to explain. Because the bookmark I used was a... Morocco?

Oh, a taco! Yes, a taco! A little assist from my wife on that one. Oh, really? She shouted at you? A librarian in Indiana discovered a taco smashed between the pages of a recently returned book. It was either a sloppy bookmark or another attempt by Taco Bell

to find a new way to sandwich cheese and meat slurry inside something crunchy. A picture of the improvised bookmark went viral with people calling it a waste of both a good book and a good taco. Other brands ruined books by dropping their food products on them. Meanwhile, Taco Bell got itself a new slogan.

Donde esta la biblioteca? Bill, how did Donald do on our quiz? Donald gets credit for a three in a row, but his wife is in there too. Congratulations. You both win. You're both winners. Thank you. Thank you so much for playing, Donald. Thank you. Pleasure. Bye-bye.

Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Bobcat and Roxanne each have two. Alonzo has three. Okay. We have flipped a coin,

and Bobcat has elected to go first, so here you go. The clock will start when they begin your first question. Fill in the blank. After a drone attack on Saudi oil facilities, the White House announced a new round of sanctions on blank. Iran.

Right. This week, President Trump named hostage negotiator Robert O'Brien his new blank. Is it defense? No, it's National Security Advisor. On Thursday, Colt announced they would suspend production of the blank assault rifle. R-A-15?

Yeah, R-A-15. Exactly right. While discussing the pigeon poop problem here in the city of Chicago, a local lawmaker blanked. Pooped. No. Was pooped upon by a pigeon. On Wednesday, Tropical Storm Blank caused dangerous flooding

in Texas. I don't know. Irene. Imelda. You're close. Drug smugglers on the run from authorities on a small island

on Australia were arrested when their escape plan was foiled by blank. Sharks. No, a giant seal sleeping on top of their drug stash.

The drug runners paid no attention to the giant seal when they hid 2,000 pounds of cocaine under a pile of seaweed, but when they went back to retrieve the drugs, the seal was sleeping on top of it and wouldn't let them near it. Instead, it wanted to stay up all night and go clubbing. That's not really cool.

No, it's totally not cool. You don't want to club a seal. That's the last word you bring up around a giant seal that's gacked out of his mind. Anyway, Bill, how did Bobcat do in our quiz? Too right. Four more points. Total of six, Bobcat.

All right. That means, Roxanne, you're up next. Fill in the blank. Former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski testified on Tuesday during the House Judiciary Committee's first blank hearing. Oh, impeachment. Right.

On Monday, the Working Families Party announced they were backing blank for the 2020 Democratic nomination. Elizabeth Warren. Exactly right. This week, the White House said they would revoke blank's authority to set its own emissions standards. California. Right.

On Wednesday, teen activists urged members of Congress to take immediate action on blank. Climate change. Right. While directing a teen activists urged members of Congress to take immediate action on blank. Climate change. Right. While directing a reporter to contact her press secretary, Democratic presidential candidate Tulsi Gabbard blanked. She forgot the name

of her press secretary? Exactly right. And none of her other staff could remember it either. Okay. Just days after reaching a tentative settlement for fueling the opioid crisis,

blank filed for bankruptcy. Purdue Pharma. Right. On Tuesday, NBCUniversal announced the details of their new blank service. Oh, their streaming service. Yes, called Peacock,

a California woman who dreamt she swallowed her engagement ring, woke up, and discovered that she had blanked. Swallowed her engagement ring. In fact, she'd had. She was dreaming,

she says, she was on a train being chased by bad guys and she swallowed her ring to keep them from getting it. When she woke up, she discovered that the phrase

it's a dream come true is sometimes not a good thing. All right. Bill, how did Roxanne do in our quiz? It's rare, but Roxanne got them all right. Congratulations. Eight. That's 16 more points, totaled of 18.

She is way out in front. All right, here we go. How many does Alonzo need to win? Eight. Here we go. Fill in the blank. On Sunday, President Trump dismissed Democratic calls to impeach blank... Kavanaugh. Right. According to a report from the National Park Service, construction on President

Trump's blank could damage or destroy two dozen archaeological sites. Library? No. Not there yet, Alonzo. We're talking about the border wall. Hoping to avoid a recession, the Federal Reserve voted to cut blanks on Wednesday. Interest rate?

Right. During a live report on a deadly police chase, an anchor for KTLA in California said she reached out to blank, but he was unavailable for comment. I don't know the guy being chased. I'm going to give it to you. She said, quote, We tried to reach out to the man who died in the pursuit,

but he was unavailable for comment. On Monday, the United Auto Workers went on strike against blank. General Motors. Right. Best known as the front man for the cars, producer and musician blank, passed away at 75. Rick Ocasek. Right. A former aide for a New York state senator filed a complaint this week saying the senator intentionally humiliated him by making him blank. Send a selfie. No. She says that she tried to make him dress as a leprechaun.

Chris Thompson says that State Senator Daphne Jordan ordered him to dress as a leprechaun and pull a, quote, candy wagon at a parade. He says, quote,

she violated my basic human rights by directing me to wear clothes not befitting a 61-year-old grown man. Unquote. How tall was he? Yeah, well.

And in context, like, what parade was it? Yeah. If it's St. Patrick's Day, that makes sense. Yeah, St. Patrick's Day, and he's the right size, they might have said, you know. Bill, did Alonzo do well enough to win? He's got game. He got five right, ten more points,

total of 13, but he can't catch Roxanne. Who can? Nobody can. That's it. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict

after the Golden Toilet what will be the next big heist in the news, but first let me tell you, special thanks to our live event sponsor, Westin Hotels and Resorts. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me

is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godica writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our house manager is Gianna Capodona. Our intern is Dhariba Khan. Our web guru is Beth Nody. BJ Lederman composed our theme.

Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian King. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilog. And the executive producer, wait, wait, don't tell me, is Michael Danforth. Now, panel, what will be the next big heist?

Alonzo Bowden. It's only a matter of time before the matching gold litter box is also gone. It's true. Roxanne Roberts. Every single sexy Mr. Rogers costume will go missing, except for one worn by Sean Spicer on Dancing with the Stars.

And Bobcat Goldthwait. President Trump's gold toilet is going to go missing. They're going to discover that it's never been used and figure out why he's been so upset all this time. If any of that happens, Vandal, we're going to ask you about it

on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Roxanne Roberts, Alonzo Bowden, and Bobcat Goldthwait. Thanks to all of you for listening. I'm Peter Sagal, and we'll see you next week. This is NPR.