Was I In A Cult? - Children of God: “Pray for Death”

Episode Date: October 6, 2021

When you're born into a cult, it's difficult enough. But when you're born into a cult with a raging alcoholic pedophile as the leader, it's a nightmare.  Author, Flor Edwards was raised in the Children of God. And praise the lord she got out.   But getting out didn't come without its own challenges...  ____  Link to Flor's autobiography:  https://www.amazon.com/Apocalypse-Child-Flor-Edwards/dp/1683367685   Follow Flor on social media: @floredwardsauthor Please support Was I In A Cult? Through Patreon

The whole narrative was that we were going to be martyrs for God. So I would basically pray at night to die in my sleep. I just wanted to die. It sounds really sad from the outside, I'm sure, but that was just like my child. And... Hi, I'm Tyler Mesa. And I'm Liz. I'm Liz. I'm Kov. And this is Was I in a cult? Yes, you were. And so were you.

Fuck off. Today we're talking to author Floor Edwards. Now, her story is a bit different than some of the other guests we've spoken with because she has no before story. Because Flora was actually born into a group known as the Children of God. Known today as the Family International. And before that, they were known as the Family of Love. Geroz. You know, it's not uncommon for cults to go through a public rebranding process when their reputation starts to tarnish. Did you know that initially they were known as they were their they were known as their their their their they were known as their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. to. today. today, today. today. today. today. their.ir reputation starts to tarnish. Did you know that initially they were known as teens for Christ? E, that does sound like a name that you can easily age out of. A 40-year-old dude proselytizing as a teen for Christ is a bit creepy. All right, what do you say we get to Flore a story?

Sure. Floor? You have the floor. God. I'm th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiolk. thiolk, thi. thi. thiolk, thiolk, thiolk, thiolk, thiolk, thiolk, thiolk, thiol, thiol, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. That's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. that. A. A. A. A. that. A. A. God. I'm here all day. Yeah, unfortunately. Yeah, my dad was a good student, top of his class. He was from South Pasadena, big Irish Catholic family. One day, a few of his brothers were introduced to this exciting hippie Christian movement. The Children of God. Six of his siblings told to this exciting hippie Christian movement. The Children of God.

Six of his older siblings joined, so he just sort of followed along. Everyone was looking for the truth, especially in the 60s, which makes sense. Counterculture was at an all-time high. Oh yeah, sex drugs and rock and roll. And the most intense widespread race riots the United States has ever experienced. But sure, it was groovy baby. I always say if you live through the 60s and you didn't join a band or a cult, then you probably didn't live through the 60s.

My parents met in the group. My mom was just more like a, I call her like a free spirit. She was more like exploring and she also had this strong desire to serve God. She basically just decided to join. So it wasn't like, oh you're joining a group of people. You have like a new family. And within this new family, Flor's parents married and started to create a tribe of their own. So I'm one of 12.

I have 11 siblings. The group was not encouraged to use birth control at all. It's a little girl. Oh, that's beautiful. I was born in Sweden. And then we moved to Mexico City. And then we moved to California. And then when I was like four, we moved to Thailand. By the time I was 12, I had lived in 24 locations.

A common theme within the Children of God, constantly on the move. We lived in homes. We called them homes, but they were basically compound. So anywhere between 30 to 300 people would be living communally. We wouldn't stay in a place for longer than like three to six months, kind of like gypsies. They had this hierarchy of leadership telling us what to do, so we would sometimes just wake up in the middle of the night and have to leave. They would say it was to escape, you know, the evil forces in the world and stuff, but I think really it was just so that people wouldn't get suspicious

of why all these like white people were living in these compounds in these rural areas and third world countries. But cults the c c c c c c c cult the c cult the c cult the c cult they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th. But cults. But cults. But cults. But cults. But cults. But cults. But world countries. But cults typically are only as terrible as the leader that leads them. And this guy is a real doozy. Okay, so let's back up a little bit and discuss the early incarnation of the group, the family. It was a group, the family. It was a group that formed in the 1960s, basically, it started with one person. The leader was a man named David Brandtburg. He came from a long line of evangelists, so it was sort of in his blood. Both David's mother and father were active evangelists, and he spent a lot of his childhood

aiding his parents in their evangelical mission. His mother, in particular, claimed to be a divine healer, which drew lots of controversy from the church. And, not surprisingly, David credits her to be one of his biggest influencers. He has also written about the sexual abuse he endured from a babysitter at the age of three, as well as physical abuse from a nurse. Sexual trauma at an early age is oddly a common thing among many cult leaders. We'll unpack that another time,

but his trauma might be telling for what evolves later on. Dun thun, da. That's called setting suspense, listeners. Dund-dun-da. David, Berg, he was born in Oakland, although he moved around a lot as a kid, but as an adult he ended up in Huntington Beach, California with his wife and children. And that's where it all begins. Q, 1968. He saw these hippies on the street and he just decided these people needed a purpose for living. And so he started to gather them.

It started out as a very sort of innocent group of hippies. A bunch of young people kind of wanting to do something good and make the world a better place. Like many cults do. They look like young, sort of almost rock and roll stars slash hippies on the street singing. There was something magnetic and charismatic and intriguing about them. It started out as, I think they were called Jesus Freaks, which I think is the most appropriate title. Children of God was an early name, and then they changed over to the family of love. Then they just dropped it and called themselves the family thele. Children of God was the early name and then they changed over to the

family of love. Then they just dropped it and called themselves the family. And like all cults, this family began to grow. And as it grew, so did David's ego. To Flore and her family, David Berg wasn't just a man, he was divine. Growing up, I knew him as grandpa, and the adults called him dad, and he had a plethora of names from like Moses, Moses David, father David, all kinds of names. He called himself the Mo lion because he would white his face out and draw a picture of a lion. We were not allowed to know what he looked like because from what we heard, people were after us. So he lived in hiding from the very beginning when he started, he went basically and I think

lived in the mountains in Switzerland or something. There was maybe very small percentage of people who had actually met him. We never knew what he looked like. We never saw him. My parents never met him. But the fact that we couldn't see him, I think, only added to his power. We were taught that he spoke to God and all this stuff. And he was Bible-based. It was King James' version.

He liked to interpret the Bible, and he found all kinds of ways to fit it into his beliefs. And interpret he did. It boiled down to three things. One was that he believed the Western world was evil. Two, he believed that the world was going to end in 1993. And a third one was that sex was an act of God's love. So manipulative David Berg, he touted that God was love. So, manipulative David Berg, he touted that God was love, ergo love was sex. And sex was far too openly promoted and discussed. I mean, talk about boundary crossing.

True, in fact, I found a recording of David Berg teaching a sex class to a group of members, all of whom are about to get married. This is some kind of listen, I assure you. I'm sure it's going to be enlightening. Anybody here think we should be ashamed of the parts of the human body? Oh! That which God created? For you to use and enjoy.

A woman's body, those organs, a sexual organ of a woman, become filled with blood just like the sexual organ of a man. Ordinarily she's as tight as a snap purse. But when she's aroused and if you've loved her properly, then tender and gentle and caress her as you should, this will automatically open. Oh, automatically! So they fall wide open. The vagina is this long tube which leads very length of some women. It doesn't matter because God has so made that tube so it can adjust to any size.

It's made like stretch tights. Oh my God. And it doesn't matter what your size is, boy, she fits. Thank the Lord. Amen. Sounds like the football coach was asked to teach the sex ed class. Johnson, get over here. Let's huddle up, boys.

Take a knee, take a knee. Gonna teach you about the vagina now. Now you were twiddling that clitoris way too hard Johnson. Take a laugh. You almost made it near fall off and explode across the room. You take your tie. Lover up. Get the blood flow into the region and then let it open up automatically. Like one of those grocery store doors. There's more Liz. Oh there's more. He is not finished. Oh, uh-huh. And I'm about to play a little bit more. Here we go. Thank God. It's a little mound. It's about like this. It has a little bump on it. It's called the clitoris. A clitoris. A little button there. Press the button. See what happens. Some wonderful things have it. It's called an orgasm. God made it. to use it. Oh! Well, he made it for you to enjoy. What?

Praise Lord? Praise Lord. How much of this did you listen to, Tyler? I had to listen to about two hours of this. Oh, you had to. This was a two-hour class, and it is something, I assure you. Because you're such an astute student. the job list. You know this is an interesting tape and it is funny but there is a dark side to this cult. A very dark side. David Berg believed that there should

be no limits when it comes to sex i.e. God's love regardless of age or relationship. Or consent. Mm-hmm. Or a combination of all of it. Yep. In the children of God, a father was technically allowed to rape his three-year-old daughter. It was God's love after all. In fact, sexual intercourse with children as young as two years old wasn't frowned upon. It was encouraged. Oof. Yeah. David also believed that the outside world was evil.

Creating the us versus them mentality that all cult leaders instill in various iterations. He was against anything that was power, mainly institutions. Like he hated education, he hated doctors, hospitals, corporations, government, everything. He was just honestly anti-the-world. You know, he called the world the system. So anyone who wasn't part of the children of God, according to Father David was called a systemite.

Watch out, Tyler, when I'm really mad at you, I'm gonna call you a systemite. You filthy systemite, get out of my face. Sorry. We were the people that were supposed to, you know, go out and save everyone from the destruction that was gonna come in 1993. I call it the Great Apocalypse.

We called it the Great Apocalypse. We never called it the Apocalypse growing up. We call it the end time. You know, the entire world would go into complete chaos and it would be war and a bunch of natural disasters. I mean, if you read the Book of Revelation, it's all there. So David, Father David, that is, he took this Book of Revelation and he interpreted that there would be a seven-year sequence of political and environmental events that would occur. And then at the end of all that Armageddon would happen, it would be like a battle between heaven and earth and then Jesus would come and the whole world would be consumed in fire and then everyone who we saved because we we were the chosen, would go to heaven.

The whole narrative was that we were going to be martyrs for God, and I thought I was going to be a martyr at 12 years old. I thought I was going to die in a primitive way. I thought I was going to be like crucified or all kinds of biblical ways of dying. So at night I would just pray that I would die in my sleep, have like a peaceful death. If I'm going to have to be the smarter, like at least make it quick and painless, that I would just be shot in the heart.

I just wanted to die. That was just like my childhood. She even went so far as to alter the classic children's bedtime prayer to fit her personal experience. It went a little something like this. Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take. If I should die before I wake, I promise I won't make a beep. That was my childhood prayer.

So how does it actually go? Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Not take, to keep. Oh my God, she was praying for death. Yeah, and it goes on. And if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Not pray that I won't make a peep. Little Floor was scared.

She would die too loudly and somehow get in trouble for it. But the cult couldn't survive if it only focused on death. So, sexually traumatized David Berg played out his trauma within the free love movement. Right, back to God and love and sex and stuff. So, God is love, love is sex. So sex is God? Or some manipulative bullshit like that. It was highly sexualized, you know. Once people turned a certain age, they were having sex. It was just part of their whole ideology.

I like to think of as like a swinger-type environment. People would swap, no shame. I would see it quite often. You know, it was tight living quarters. I thought it was funny, like most things. I was just like, ha ha ha their they they they th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thii. thiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I thought it was funny. Like most things, I was just like, ha, what are they doing? I mean, the truth is that's kind of how they live. The adults were able to fulfill their desires, both physically and also on a soul level. Like, they all thought they were doing God's work. Well, I guess on some level, you kind of are, right? That must be the reason people scream, oh God, when they're doing the bone. Sure Liz, but on a sober note, while sex was promoted, sexual abuse was rampant within the community. Because in cults,

leaders set the tone for everyone else's behavior, and unfortunately the man at the top of this shit pile experienced a lot of sexual trauma. He had some sexual repression. He was actually caught masturbating in church by his mother when he was very young and his mother made him finish in front of the dad as punishment. Very, very traumatizing for a young boy. That was the beginning, I think, of his sexual demise. And as he got older, he had this very strong commitment to serve God,

but this was very much in conflict with his sexual desire. One of his big pieces of dogma was that the way the church viewed sex and the body was wrong, and his solution to that was to try to sort of marry the two. He called it the law of love. Sex is a part of God's love. Yeah, it was just his own twisted, bizarre way of adopting Christianity into his own narcissistic goal.

But it didn't stop with the inappropriate sex. See David also had ideas about what constitutes family. In his maniacal thinking, the nuclear family wasn't the way human beings were supposed to live. To him, family was a mentality, not a gene pool. Father David tried to dissolve the family unit because he saw the family unit as an impediment to God's work. And so any type of family bond was very discouraged.

We had to be in our groups. I had some sisters, but I think we would see them for an hour a day. Floor wasn't raised by her parents alone. In fact, she was raised by all the adults in the commune. And considering the large number in her nuclear family, they were rarely together. So when they were, it was extra special for Flore. We would renew our visas every,

I think it was three to six months. We had to leave the country to come back in. So we would leave for a couple days. And we were able to be with our families, and that was the best most exhilarating time. I knew who my mom and dad were and I liked having them around. My dad was he was always the financial manager so he was always doing other things. My mom was always allain. their mom was always pregnant or nursing. Always. Every year she would bring a kid home. I loved kids and I loved these cute babies. the baby would thooo. the thi thi th th th th th th th th th th to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to to to to to to to to to to their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thea-a-s, toda, their, their, their, their, their, sort of feel like pushed into the bag. Each kid that came you were like older and older and yeah, just a lot of responsibility. With four older siblings, Floor struggled finding her place and she was never really able to

get close to her family. I mean, how close can you be to 12 people, right? Do you even have 12 friends that you can name off the bat? They're my siblings. I'm not like super close to all of them. Flora did however take solace with her one twin sister and they became each other's safe havens. I think being with my sisters, it was quite beautiful. We were in some very beautiful environments. We would go to the beach sometimes and my sister and I were kind of the group. Like we were always making fun of things. But there was not the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, thea, t, t, t, tine, t, tine, tine, tine, tine, tine, tine, tine, tine, tine, the, t. t. t. t. the, the, the, the, the, te, the, the, te, tttttthe, tthe, ttthe the tthe the thes, thes, thea, thea, thea, tw. tw. tw. tw. tw. clowns of the group. Like we were always making fun of things and making light of things. But there wasn't much room for fun in the group. Like many cults, the rules were very strict.

We weren't allowed to wear certain things or wear our hair a certain way. We just had to have it natural long. He didn't want short hair or dyed hair. He didn't like short hair, I think no beards, just clothing, like no logos, no jeans, he thought jeans were like super evil. And sleeping conditions were not ideal. Kids would be bunked together and mattresses on the floor and there was usually more kids than adults. So they became like big giant child care centers in a way. We had a very strict schedule. We would wake up at 7 a tham. It became like big giant child care centers in a way.

We had a very strict schedule. We would wake up at 7 a.m. We had to be in our groups, we would eat breakfast communally, we would do a lot of chores, we would have like some schooling. We would have nap time every day for like two hours, and then we would have exercise time and just more stuff until 8 p.m. when he went to bed. We were surrounded by people constantly. There was probably three to four bathrooms and 30 to 50 people. Jesus and I thought sharing a bathroom with two siblings growing up was

tough. Yeah that's nothing Liz. I had five sisters. Try sharing a bathroom with five sisters and that was the 80s when Aquanet was much more prevalent. There was a rule that we could only use three pieces of the the the the tipip the tip tip tip p tip p the tip p the tip p tip p their their p. ti. their ti. I ti. I ti. I ti. I ti. I was a ti. I was a ti's they. I was a to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to they. There's they. There's they. There was probably they. There was probably they. I I they. I I was a they. I I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was a ti. I was a ti. I was. I'm. I'm. I'm. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was tri. I was. I was tri. There was a rule that we could only use three pieces of toilet paper. It was a way to control us. Sometimes I would cheat and use five. It was kind of my way of playing with danger. Five sheets of toilet paper was an act of personal freedom, a cry for the desire for free will. And as Flora remembers it, being in the bathroom was the only time she could be alone. They were always being watched. They would choose certain people to watch us. We called them Shepherds. There was never a moment where it was like, okay, you're not being watched.

Father Day would really encourage them to discipline us. Some of the adults would just take it too far. They physically punished us, to keep us in line. And as bad as this sexual abuse was, the physical abuse rivaled it. Kids were whipped and beaten for the tiniest transgressions. Some of them are very practical things, like wearing your shoes in the house or not washing your hands before you eat. Then some of them were more kind of abstract, like foolishness was a big one that I would

always get punished for. We would get punished for laughing. I saw my six-month-old sister being spanked by one of the leaders. She was six months. I remember she was so young she was in diapers. He had her over his knee and he was just, they would do this like almost rhythmic discipline where it wasn't like an outburst of anger or rage. It was very calculated, cold, endurance, nonstop,

and it would just keep going and going. So sometimes you would hear kids being beat for like, it seemed like hours. I don't remember the first time, but I do remember being a kid and just, it was this gut maternal instinct that kind of kicked in and was like, something's wrong. I didn't know what was wrong, but something was wrong. The adults were much more in line because they all wanted to be there. They followed the rules, they didn't need to get

punished. It was the kids because we didn't, we obviously didn't join it, and there was a threat that any time we could question things so they were constantly trying to keep us, you in in in in in in in in in the their their the, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, thr, throwne, thi, throwne, thi, throwne, the.e. And, the. And, thea, thi, thi, thi, ths so they were constantly trying to keep us, you know, in line. We didn't have any agency. We weren't allowed to like ask questions about things. We weren't really allowed to express ourselves or our fears or anything. And because it would sound like we were doubting. It was like, oh, you're questioning something. Father David says this, this is the law. Don't question it. Cult Rule 1 1. don't question it. Cult rule number one, never question the leader. Mm-hmm. And like most cult leaders, this particular one

loved to pontificate. There were thousands of letters that Father David sent out. Little stories, dreams, anecdotes, prophecies, verses, anything he would say, was just typed out. These were known as Mo's letters and Mr. David Berg would write them while in hiding and then send them to his followers across the globe. I remember they would come out probably on a weekly basis. He wrote thousands of letters, had a whole art team creating these posters of heaven,

drawing up sketches of his dreams. It was a lot of self-improvement rhetoric. It was like how to be to be be be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be the be the be the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the. the. the. the. thea. theiiiiiii. the. the. thea. drawing up sketches of his dreams. It was a lot of self-improvement rhetoric. It was like how to be a better person, basically how bad we were. Here's an excerpt from one of Mo's letters titled, squeeze don't jerk. No, no, no, no, squeeze don't jerk. You just made that up. I didn't.

I really wish I did, but I didn't. Okay. Okay. I'm gonna read it now. Q the hypnotic music. God is hardly ever in a hurry. It takes some time to make a baby, a flower, a tree, a sunset, or even a blade of grass. Speed kills, haste makes waste.

takes faith. If you're in a hurry, you miss ths, lose things, forget things, and wear out quickly. You live it up, but you might not be able to live it down. What? That is just fortune cookie mumbo-jumbo. Yes, cult leader Amphigori, completely. It's gobbledygook. It goes on, Tyler. Please, give me more. Yeah, you're welcome. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. to. to. thi. to. to. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. toeea. toea. toea. toea. toea. toea. toea. toea. toea. thea. the. thook. It goes on, Tyler. Please give me more. Yeah, you're welcome. More weird music here. In the army, we had targets that moved, or were there just for a moment and then disappeared. Some of the boys were in such a hurry to shoot, for fear it would disappear.

They missed it altogether. But I waited until I was sure I could hit the bullseye and made sharp shooter. Somewhere in such a hurry they they they they their their their their their their their their their. They their. T. T. T. T. their. their. thuii. thi. thi. thi. t. t. toy. toy. toye. toge, togui. togui. togui. toged. togued. tooomoom. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More. We. We. We. We. We. We. We. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's, t. It's, t. It's, t. It's, t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. toguuuui. t. t toooooe. toye. toye. t toguuii. More. Somewhere in such a hurry they got so excited their rifles waved around and they jerked the trigger. So quickly it jerked the whole rifle and caused them to miss the mark. I took time to rest my elbow firmly, hold my rifle securely, aim accurately, and squeeze the trigger slowly. Squeeze. Don't jerk. Touchdown. Or you'll miss something. There it is. Confounding bullshit mixed with masturbatory innuendo. I just got dumber reading that. Yeah, I think we're all a little bit dumber Liz. Thanks. Father David, a part of his agenda was dealing with whatever

he was dealing with, but instead of dealing with it he would just make all of us deal with it. And poor Flore was forced to ingest his verbal diarrhea as part of her school curriculum. Yummy. So most of our educational diet was Father David's teachings in the Bible, basically. I was taught like to read and write and everything, but it was basic history and math and reading and social sciences. But yeah, they had these like big, they were called super workbooks and we would go through them and it was basically like going through a grade. So I think I went through grade four or something like that. When we sat for like school, it wasn't just school, it was like, it was like, the school, the school, it was like, their, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, a, a, a, a, a, a, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, wasn't just school. It was almost like a meditation. So we had to like be fully alert. We had to be listening. We could not be distracted in any way.

If we were distracted, we were wrong and then we'd get punished. But Flora didn't have the time to worry about the severity of the punishment. Because the world was ending, we had this mission to do. And true to his anti-capitalistic grantings, David was successful at convincing members of the family to live, well, like vagrants. We had nothing. Making money was not on the high end of the priority list.

Father David convinced all his followers they didn't need jobs. And we were taught that the less we had, the more God loved us. One pair of flip-flops, two shorts, two shirts. That was pretty much it. They would find ways to basically get everything for free. People would, from the goodness of their hearts, help us because we had no money. So all the food we had was free. For Floor, begging didn't come without its emotional consequences. There are certain things just as a human you can't deny.

And one of those is shame. I would have these moments of shame, like where I would be out in public. I wouldn't even be doing anything. I just be standing there kind of like as part of this team that was trying to get free stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff stuff. . I just be standing there kind of like as part of this team that was trying to get free stuff and I just remember feeling really shameful about it. But Floor's family didn't just rely on traditional begging. They would entertain.

We would go out street busking, going out on the street and singing. We would go to like department stores and sing. Since many members of children of God were musically inclined or performers at heart. and singing, we would go to like department stores and sing. Since many members of Children of God were musically inclined or performers at heart, they capitalized on that. That's correct, in fact, Wacene Phoenix and his siblings grew up in the Children of God, as well as Rose Macowan. My dad would always say they were very vaudeville, very much a performance group. In fact, there were like actual singing groups, so they would go and perform and then yeah,

they would sell tickets or sell the media that we had. There was a lot of like music people like would sing and dance. There was like a happy undertone to it. But Florewell, sadly she wasn't really a fan. I hated it. It was always super awkward. But there were fond moments as well. We had a lot of dress up nights, I remember.

That was like our fun thing. They were really heavy on like acting skits. Some of the skits were just to like push Father David's dogma. So a lot of his dogma was built on guilt. Sometimes they'd be funny and it'd be like, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was like, it was like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was always, it was like, it was always, it was always, it was always, it was always, it was always, it, it, it was always, it, it was always, it, it was always, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it was always, it, it, it, it was always, it was always, it was always, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, the like, the like, the like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, like, like, like, ha, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, tha, like, like, like, like, tha, tha, tha, the the the the the the the the the the the the skits were just to like push Father David's dogma. So a lot of his dogma was built on guilt. Sometimes they'd be funny and it'd be like, ha ha, in the middle of meal time, which 50 people sitting around eating and all of a sudden the adults would break out in a skit and it would be really funny and everyone would laugh.

But other times these skits would turn into these drills to prepare us. I do remember, I think it was meal time and then all of a sudden these adults dressed in black head to toe with like helmets on so you couldn't see who they were and they had like fake guns. I don't even know how they got these guns. They came in and pretend like they were coming to raid us and then at some point they pretend to shoot us and we would pretend to die and pretend to go to heaven and all that. I literally went to bed every night bracing myself for an invasion and you know to be killed

basically. Eventually Floor started to wonder about the world beyond her family. How truly evil were these systemites? I mean, Tyler, you're pretty evil, but... Justified. We would see things from... I mean, just traveling around. That's all I really saw of the outside world, but what we were told was actually

kind of intriguing to me. We would be told things about pop stars and like movies, but again, it was all evil. Everything that was outside was evil. And I do remember kind of being intrigued by asking. Like, who is this Madonna figure they talk about? Or like Michael Jackson or whatever. And it just made me want it more, like, I wanted to style my hair a certain way. When I would hear about people leaving, it was almost a little jealous of them. What are they experiencing?

What's drawing them outside? What is this world? Okay, so we are now in the year of 1994. Now at the time Flora and her family were still living in Thailand, but Father David issued a declaration to move everyone in the group back to America. We still don't know why. It was just one of his like prophecies from God. And yeah, we moved to Chicago. And while they were there, the members had their annual celebration for egomaniac Father David himself. We all gathered together and the leader opened up with Grandpa, our beloved father, has gone to be with Jesus. And I just remember being like shocked. I never thought Father David would die.

Long live the king, thought Father David would die. Long live the king, the motherfucker. He died from unknown causes. No one knows the truth. He just thought sick and he died. Father David was 75 years old and had been in hiding since 1971. It said that he died in his sleep from old age. And now with no leader, Flores family had a chance to break out. But it wouldn't be easy.

It was kind of sad, actually. It's like everyone was on their own with really no experience in making their own decisions because they had given up their power of will and reasoning and critical thinking. You get no money, no education, no job. Still at this point, I think I owned two pairs of pants and two sweaters. That was it. And this was in the dead cold of winter in Chicago. We would go singing during Christmas.

That was one of the ways we would make money, and it would be freezing cold. We weren't necessarily doing God's work anymore. We were just surviving and barely at that. You know, being from Chicago, I feel for her. The winters are brutal. So, Flores family did what I did years ago and moved from the windy city to the golden state. And then my aunt who lived out in California, she's, you know, come out to California, at least it's easier, it's an easier life out here.

Easier, debatable. Warmer, definitely. So Flores family moved west, but the biggest concern was, how were they going to survive? We found different ways to make money. One way was actually the group encouraged everyone to become clowns. So it was another performance thing. So actually I worked as a clown. We did parties.

We would just go to public places and, you know, do balloons and face painting and all that stuff. Full gear, wig, face, outfit, everything. It was pretty good money. But even though they moved and David was now dead, her family was still in the cult. You know, when we were young, there was this excitement to it,

and there was this like common goal that we were doing something, we were saving the world, but now it was just like, no one knew it to do, And we had a loan time. We had time to kind of sit and percolate with our thoughts. And my sister just sort of called it. She was like, you know, this is wrong and we need to basically get out. And that right there is the reason why cult leaders don't give their followers

a great deal of alone time. Because critical thought could seep in, God forbid. We told our parents that we wanted to go to school. We wanted to be normal. And my dad, knowing us as well as he did, he said, okay, fine, we'll put you in school. This is when we were like 17 maybe. My sister and I, we would go to school.

It was about seven miles from our house. We didn't drive at the time, so we would have to walk. Public high school was social mayhem. We were obviously trying to like fit with the latest trends. We would like read magazines and like buy shoes and buy pants. Like I remember it became clear right away that I I was going to have to make up some story like even now like telling people where I lived or where I'm from it just made no sense you know I couldn't even find an explanation myself. I got good grades but it was just not very good environment for me.

I fell into some like drugs and drinking. We weren't prepared for the reality of the world and then we were just dumped into it as teenagers. I think I did the absolute best that I could with it, but yeah, it was literally like a social experiment. I can only imagine the radical shift she experienced from living in this toxic, abusive, free love, quote, family to well, regular life. I mean, high school is tough as it is for any kid, let alone somebody coming out of a

cult. And so before long, it all just became too much for her. I kind of made a snap decision that I just wanted to end everything and because I had thought about. I think I was just, it wasn't something I had to meditate over and really like, oh my God, I'm just like, oh, die. I attempted suicide. You know, I just, I couldn't deal with the world.

It was an honest attempt. I wrote a note and everything. I was drunk on like probably at least a half a bottle of vodka. So I was like, what can I combine with that? I'm ever searching the house, like, I was gonna like drink bleach if I had to. I was gonna, anything that was gonna be quick and painless. And then I found a bottle of aspirin. I don't know if I had seen it in a movie or anything, but I thought this will be a good combination.

And I just took them all and wrote a suicide note and went to bed thinking that I wasn't going to wake up. And my stomach just got rid of it. I woke up throwing up. And yeah, I just threw up and threw up and threw up and then I was like, okay, you know, I was supposed to die and I didn't at the end I was kind of like, okay, I'm glad I was still alive like. Yet she still couldn't figure out why she was so conflicted.

The moment of truth for me came through a magazine in an issue of 17 magazine. And it was basically an article about a girl who had grown up in and left a cult. And this thing was a quiz and it said, did you grow up in a cult? Take this quiz and find out now. And I answered yes to these questions and then, at that moment my eyes were open and there was no turning back. I knew for the next few days I was just like, thiiiiii, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, and I tho, and I tho, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, tho, my eyes were open and there was no turning back. I knew for the next few days I was just like, oh my god, I grew up in a cult. I grew up in a cult, oh my god, I grew in a cult teault. Floor's moment of truth didn't actually come from the cult leader's death. Nope. It came from a teen rag.

Everything made thii. I had like a name to put to it. I couldn't ignore what happened. I had to face it head on. A newly invigorated floor decided she didn't want to die anymore. She wanted to live and live big. Soon she graduated high school and went to college where she immediately dove into her studies. Being denied it as a kid, I was just super hungry for like just any type of knowledge or information. All the stuff for like just any type of knowledge or information, all the stuff that like we were taught was evil. I was like, oh my god, this isn't evil, this is super cool. English writing, political science. I was good at math, history. All of it was super interesting to me.

This was kind of like giving someone, you know, sugar who's never had it before. And slowly but surely, she started to gain a sense of self, something she was never given the permission to gain. In college, I started meeting people who were more accepting and just nice. I would tell my story, I wasn't trying to hide it anymore. For the first time in her life, she accepted her upbringing for what it was. Shame was no longer in the driver's seat. Freedom started to navigate instead. Sounds like a country song, doesn't it? You know, growing up, I wasn't allowed to read or write.

I wasn't allowed to express myself. I wasn't allowed to read or write. I wasn't allowed to express myself. I wasn't allowed to have opinions. So having an opinion, but also being able to articulate it through words and language was super liberating for me. And then that's also when I decided I wanted to start writing about it. And that's what she did. She wrote a memoir about her childhood. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I had to relive all the memories.

This was just my way of healing, my way of coping, I guess. I was able to learn a lot about myself, and I took that with me, even now. That power of thinking, making your decisions, which I always say is the only freedom we have as humans, is the ability to think. We really don't have any other control over anything else. pick up a copy of her book, Apocalypse Child, A Life in End Times. It's harrowing, honest, and inspiring. So in summation Liz, was Floor in a cult? I would say yes,

Tyler, definitely. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, Floor. We really appreciate it. And listener, if you or anyone you know has ever been through a toxic abusive cultic environment, email us at info at was I an occult.com. We would love to feature your heroic journey on a future episode. And speaking of future episodes, come back next week for... I had to follow the rules, and the rules were obey, obey, obey, obey, always be obedient. If I'm not following the rules I'm not going to receive love. It was conditional. I was taught that the outside world was a scary place and that everybody was beneath us.

I was always in fear. I never felt safe. Thanks everyone for listening. And remember, when your finger is on the trigger, Squeeze, don't jerk. Was I an occult? Is story produced and written by me, Liz Ayacousy. And me, Tyler Miesom. Executive producer is Maya Cole Howard.

Supervising producer, Catherine Bert Canton. Audio editor is Chandlermay's. And additional story producer Ari Basile.