Was I In A Cult? - Children of God: “You’re Enough As You Are"

Episode Date: December 9, 2021

Welcome to the worst cult ever (in our humble opinions). This is a story of incredible resilience, bravery, and inspiration. Being born into a cult always comes with its challenges, but learning how to have an original thought in your mid-20s is a rare struggle that most people are fortunate enough to never have to face. This is just one of many obstacles Angel had to overcome as she ventured out of the cult and into the world.But when you've spent over 20 years of your life in a cult and it's all you know, the real world isn't always as sparkly as you hoped.____Insta: @whatisangeldoingYoutube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/MrAngeladesantishttps://www.theprocessbyangel.com Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Please note this episode has strong sexual, and then there's a post. And you're trying to get back to the version of you that you were before, or like somehow you remember that person who you were, and you're trying to blend it into who you are now after this traumatic event. Because I was born and raised in this, there is no before personality. Because people always like, what did you enjoy in childhood? And I'm like, not being beaten. Like, that was my favorite part. This is was I an occult. I'm Liz I Aikusie.

And I am Tyler Miesum. Now, every guest we've had on this show has shared incredible stories. True and this week's guest is no different. Sometimes these stories of survival are so inspiring that they leave you breathless. This podcast is about showing the remarkable strength of the human spirit. And how even the most harrowing of experiences doesn't have to define who you are. We flawed humans are incredibly resilient and can overcome monumental circumstances. And our guest today is a prime example of just that.

But please know that there are very traumatic experiences in this episode and anyone with an abusive past tread lightly. Tell us your story, Angel. My name is Angel DeSantis and I guess I grew up in a cult and that's how I ended up here on this podcast. I was born in China. But in 1990 when she was just five years old her family moved. We moved to Japan to the most northern part of Japan called Hokkaido and because they had this whole philosophy that the nuclear family was very selfish and God wanted a bigger family than just the nuclear family, they immediately split us up. They, meaning the leaders just the nuclear family, they immediately split us up.

They, meaning the leaders of the David Berg cult, commonly known as the Children of God. Now if you're a dedicated listener of this show you'll notice that a prior episode highlighting Floor Edwards was also part of children of God. But again this show is about the experience, not the cult. And here is a perfect example of just how individualized the cult experience is. We're always separated from our parents. And I don't remember seeing my younger sisters again until three years later. The communes had 60 to 100 people.

They would find dilapidated buildings that were about to be torn down, and then they would rent them until they would need to be demolished or they would just self-demolish. They're always really moldy. They put me in a room with other kids my age and they were about six of us. They would make triple bunks and they were just like stacked two triple bunks in a room or three triple bunks and they were just stacked the kids on top of each other. So they were just packed. We had a really, really rigid schedule. We'd be woken up by somebody who wasn't our parent. We would have breakfast, we would all clean like clean, like no matter what age you were, you had a cleaning job, and they would educate you in two subjects, math and English, that's it.

And then we had word time, which was like indoctrination time for about two hours every day. Word time? Like vocabulary lessons, word of the day type of stuff? Word time was the leader, David Berg. He would get drunk and he would ramble and his mistress would write it down and then they would send it out as the word of God. So we would get, by the time I came around, we had like libraries full of stuff and that was the only literature that you were allowed to read. Some days we'd read about gang rape.

And then some days you'd read about the Holy Spirit who loved being naked. Wait, back up. So it's just... Gang rape? Yes. So they used to read us a bedtime story called Heaven's Girl. It was like our version of Wonder Woman. And the story is about a 14-year-old girl who is Heaven's Girl. And so he has like a lot of horrible sexual fantasies that she has to go through for God, and one of them is gangrape. So nothing like Wonder Woman. They would read this to us.

It was written by David Berg, who's a pedophile. Just one of his many winning characteristics. He focused on women using their sexuality to win the world for Jesus. And so that was part of the development of my identity and my brain and all of that. Two hours of indoctrination every day and I'm away from my family. I'm with strangers who are all praising my sexuality at five or six years old and preparing me for the end time where I'm going to have to show God's love to soldiers willingly. So then I would fall asleep and pee the bed and have nightmares.

Unfortunately that wasn't the only literature David Berg authored. He wrote a lot of literature about how kids love sex. So they would always encourage us to be really sexual with each other. And like I said, they separated you from your parents and then you would be in groups. So they would encourage basically group sex among children. And sometimes the adults would like all stand around and cheer and like direct boys and girls like where to touch each other. And then they would put the kids to bed and then the adults would have their their their to have their to have their to have their to have to have their tooes.. their their their their their their to to to to to their to to to to to to to to to to to to their sex sex sex to to to to to to to to to to to their sex to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be their sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex to be to to their sex sex their to their their their their to their their their te.a. their sex. tooo. too. too. too. too. So. So. So. So. and girls like where to touch each other. And then they would put the kids to bed and then the adults would have their orgy. They told us in the real world adults hate children and so they don't let them have sex.

But in this world we love children so we let children have sex and when adults love you then they also have sex with you too. What in the actual fuck? They didn't only abuse the girls, they abused a lot of the boys too because David Berg was saying that he was like jerked off by his nanny when he was young and he loved it so therefore all little boys love it. He really encouraged that so there was a lot of abuse by the women in the cult with young boys. In all of the cults that we have researched I personally believe that that that th th th th th th th the the children th th the children the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to be the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to be to be the their to be to be to use to use to use tooes tooes tooes tooes tooes their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their toooooooooooooooooes.a.a.a.a. tooes. tooes. tooes. their their their their their the women in the cult with young boys. In all of the cults that we have researched, I personally believe that children of God to be the most dangerous and harmful cult of them all. 100% the abuse in this cult is unlike anything I've ever heard.

And technically, they did have rules in place for sexual contact with minors. You should be 18 before you have sex. But cult leaders love a loophole. But please see Appendix B. You know? And then you go to Appendix B and it's basically like, we have to say to follow the rules of the law, but as we know, God's laws are not man's laws. So that was in the rule book.

And the book had many more rules. We were allowed to have 12 ounces of wine per week. And then you could have two beers a week, but if you sat down and drank it in one setting, you could only have a beer and a half. We had rules of three sheets of toilet paper. Now that rule feels fairly generous, comparatively speaking. And we would have like home meetings about this, about how like we're, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, to to to to to to to to to to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the theau., like, like, the the the the theau., toeau., toea, toea, to generous, comparatively speaking. And we would have like home meetings about this, about how like we're wasting the lord's money because we're using too much toilet paper. We would have to have a meeting where like 27 people would talk about how they use the toilet paper.

And who's taking the longest baths and you're not allowed ever to take a shower past seven minutes? Who's using the shampoo and like all of this stuff? Sounds like my family growing up. And the thing about these rules for alcohol and toilet paper and how long your showers are allowed to be, it's all to keep your mind busy so that you don't have time to think. Like all of this is a setup so that you never get a moment of clarity, and a moment of thought about yourself to yourself in a peaceful place...... thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And thi. thi. thi. thi. ta. tak, tak, tak, tak, tak, tak, to to thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi moment of thought about yourself to yourself in a peaceful place. Because if you can have clear thought about yourself in a peaceful place, that will lead you out. Even though Berg laid down these rules, he wasn't really roaming the commune halls. Because other cults it's like, you at least see the leader leading a sermon or you live with the leader, or you're married to the leader. Ours was always in hiding. Granted he was paranoid, but also people were looking for him because the whole friending a sex trafficking ring and being a pedophile thing. Right, that whole

thing. Right. Again, we discussed Children of God in episode 6 titled Pray for Death, so you should go back and listen to that. And if you have listened to it, but forgot, here is a quick rundown. Originally named Teens for Christ, this Christian-based group was started in Huntington Beach, California in the late 60s by a man named David Berg, who was the son of an Oklahoma preacher. He would see young hippies and recruit them for his group. So at first he was really authoritative and people joined because they needed structure. No one is allowed to have sex except for the leader. Who would have sex with all the new recruits? And then he realized like, oh it's a bunch of young people.

And then he realized that he couldn't keep recruits if all he had was structure. So then he was like, you get to do whatever. Everyone gets to fuck whoever. Marriages don't matter. Nothing matters. Even if you don't want to have sex with so-and-so, it doesn't fucking matter. Go get it. You get to live the life that you want to live if you have no morality, but you get to do it

with this sense of superiority and morality. Now again, remember, Angel was born into this lifestyle. It was all she knew. My dad, he had lost his dad when he was 12. When he was like 19, somebody invited him to a Bible study. You should come by. There are free snacks. And then all of a sudden, you meet this wonderful community of people who like, oh, your family now. You didn't have a father figure and David Berg called himself dad. So my dad joined, but then my mom joined because she wanted a boyfriend. She was, they had this thing that they did called

Fafing, which was flirty fishing. And there's a verse in the Bible that says, I will make you fishers of men. And they took that to mean that all the women were bait and hookers for Jesus. And everyone else was fish. So you would go out and try and find fish and hook them, and then bring them back into the fold. So they did this mostly with women, but sometimes with men. And my mom met this handsome foreigner in Indonesia. And she she she she she she the the the th. And she th. And she th. And she th. And she th. And she th. And th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the thoes the the the the the the that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th is th is the the the the the the the the the is the is theee theeeee theeee theeeeee theeeeeee theeeeeeeeeee the the. So they did this mostly with women, but sometimes with men. And my mom met this handsome foreigner in Indonesia. And she also grew up like below the poverty line in Indonesia, which is like a whole other poverty line. So she thought she was getting a well-traveled English boyfriend. She joined. They gave her new name.

They had a really locked-in system where they would ask you like, do you want to join? And you would say yes and yes, this is my family. And then what they would do is they would take you to your real family and have you disown them, have you stand in front of them and be like, I don't love you anymore. I belong to God. This say that. You can say whatever the fuck you are. Perfect. But you basically tell your family, fuck you, you're not my family anymore. I have a new family.

And then within the next week or two, you were in a different country. Still sounding like your childhood growing up, Tyler. They would give you a different name, so you would get a whole new life. It's this little perfect cocktail of like a really awesome community of people who cared and wanted to like share the word of God with the whole world. And you get access to like whoever you want to fuck.

Berg did not value concepts like faithfulness and monogamy. My dad was really never faithful to my mom. not that faithfulness was ever a thing that was required for these marriages, but he brought in a mistress when I was about eight. She just decided that your husband is now my husband and she wouldn't leave. And she followed him from commune to commune. That's one way to land a husband. And the leaders told my mom that she was the problem. If you just stopped having feelings of jealousy, you would be fine.

My mom was, I think, pregnant with her fifth child. So it's that thing of, like, where are you going to go? Even if you want to leave, you can't. Because they would tell the moms, if the moms, if the moms, if the moms, if the moms, if the mom, if their, if their, their, told, their, told, their, their, told, told, told, told, too, too, too, too, too, told, their, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, to go? Even if you want to leave, you can't. Because they would tell the moms, if any woman wanted to leave, they would be like, all right, leave, but you're never seeing your kids again. They could literally put them in other countries, like the next day, and you would never be able to find them. As a woman in the cult, they tell you that you are powerful because you're sexual. That's literally your o' option the only only only only only only only only only only only only only only only only only only o' option the o' option the only only only only o' the only only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only their their their powerful. their powerful their powerful, thi. thi. thi, thi. to to to to to to to thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to thi, thi, thi, thi, but, but, but, but, thi, th. th. th. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, be powerful is to be willing to fuck whoever. And they called it having sacrificial dates because it's a sacrifice of your body.

There were certain women who really wanted power and chased power and my mom, to her credit, just wanted to be a good mom. So certain women wanted power, but what did power get you? So there were tiers of leadership and you could climb them. So the first tier that you got to was home manager. I made home manager, so I got to be in charge of the schedule. But what most people really wanted was to be a shepherd because you would be in charge of the emotional and mental pulse of the home.

But I knew that in order to be a shepherd, I would have to have sex with people, and I was not willing to have sex with people. So if you're just like an underling, you're not allowed to do anything except say, yes, sir, yes, ma'am. The higher your level of power, the more emotions you're allowed to have to do to get the freedom to have a feeling is be open to sleeping with anyone.

If a leader gets angry, it's justified because it must be God's anger. So I think people also wanted to climb the ladder for that reason. Also the higher-ups had money. Every commune would send them 20% tithe. Except that the definition of the word tithe is one-tenth of earnings contributed, but they would have to give 20%. So they would twive. It's a terrible joke. It's a dad joke. It's a joke you would say.

And so leadership lived off of the tithes. They bought real estate, they went on lavish vacations. But like most cults, the average the average the average, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, one tenths, one tenths, one tenths, one tenths, one tenths, one tenths, one tenths, tenths tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths, tenths tenths tenths tenths tenths tenths tenths tenths tenths tenths tenths tenths tenths tenths tenths.ee of the tithes. They bought real estate, they went on lavish vacations. But like most cults, the average member lived dirt poor. You see, no one is allowed to have secular jobs because they didn't want people getting close to the outside world. And the only way for them to bring in revenue is they would send out the kids to go beg. You would be out all Saturday and all Sunday just begging. We were just knock on doors and say, hey we're here, we're doing missionary work, or from

all these different countries, we're doing God's ministry and these are our kids and we would sell videos or cassette tapes of like the music or the literature that the family would produce, like inspiring uplifting quotes and Bible verses, or it would be like songs about God. They produced a lot of music so we would sell that. Or we would just go out into the street, pass out posters and just say, hey, give us money. No one's gonna say no to like a five-year-old. Sometimes a kid would go out with two adults who pretended to be her parents. Because her parents.

Because her parents were probably on a different commune in a different country. Then they would be like, say this line. My line was, yes, I'm I'm ski thus. Which is Japanese for Yes, I like it too. During the spiel that the adult would give when they were trying to sell these videos, they would pinch me and I would say, hey I'm I'm much ski thus. Then if they sold, then it would be okay. But if it didn't sell, then we would get talk to or beaten back in the car and be like you're not bringing the joy of the lord or like you look dead in your eyes. The money they would make would then be taken to the communes. The big communes we were so the they th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, the, the, the, that, that, that, that, the, that, that, that, that, the, thed the, thed, thed, the, the, the, the, thed thed thed thed thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thed, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. that, that, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, thi. thi. thi. thi. thed, we were so easy to spot, so we had been raided a lot. So each

commune, they sat us down as kids and they trained us of like, if the police come to the house, this is what they're going to do, and these are the things that you need to say. And often, raids did occur. The authorities would come, take all the kids. they would put him in homes or foster care, but they ended up returning every single kid. They would lose because they could never prove the abuse because we were indoctrinated and they would say, are you being abuse and we'd say no. When the real answer was quite the contrary, you're just trying to get through to the end of the day without a beating every single day. I got beaten a lot of the the the the the the the the the the to the to the the to take take. take. take. take. I take. I take. I tape. I taked tak, tak, tap day. I got beaten a lot for being foolish or I remember making a card for my mom once and I got a beating for not smiling. They were

like you're making a card for your mom and you should be happy but you're not smiling and you're bringing everyone else in the room down so I got a beating for that. Some people were sadistic enough to make like spanking paddles. Some people would do it with brumes or like vacuum cleaners or if they're angry they'll just grab whatever is near. I think the scariest one that I had was somebody was beating me because they were angry. This person pulled me out of breakfast so it was like I had barely woken up. He pulled me into the bathroom and he said he didn't like my attitude

and I needed to pull my socks up. He pulled me into the bathroom and he said he didn't like my attitude and I needed to pull my socks up. And I looked down and I wasn't wearing socks. So I said that. I was like, I'm not wearing socks. He just started hitting me with a broom and I could feel that he was just going to keep hitting me until his rage was done being taken out on me. And at the end of it they always would grab your face, make you look them in the eye, and thank them for giving you the beating and then tell them you loved them. They would say, tell me thank you, and tell me that you love me, and I'd be like, thank you, I love you.

The only place that I was safe was if I took good care of babies. So I always wanted to be in the nursery because I always knew that like I could be as kind and as loving as I could be with babies and I think any sort of cult or movement like this that is so extreme, there has to be an end date. For us it was the end time. There's a verse in the Bible, there's like the 144,000 who are called by God. And our interpretation of that was that there are 144,000 people who are going to survive the end of the world and they're not going to die, they're going to go to heaven. That's the elite and that's what we're a part of and we're a part of God's en-time army so we watched a lot of

soldier movies a lot of braveheart. Every man dies. Not every man really lives. A lot of this camaraderie of like we're soldiers, we're soldiers of the end. Mel Gibson would be so honored. You're training yourself on how to die ever since you're very young. I think I was afraid of dying a violent death, but the death itself part was fine because then I go to heaven. It's a whole, it's a lot of unpacking to do later on in life, we'll say. I remember telling this to my therapist. He was like, what is the first fear that you remember? And I was like, obviously the gang rape. And he was like, real quick, just how old are you when you were afraid of that?

And I was like five. And he was like, let's unpack. that's not a normal fear for a five-year-old-to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have, to have, to-o, to- oh, that's right. That's not a normal fear for a five-year-old to have, because I was taught that it was an inevitable thing that would happen to me. I would have to somehow bring the soldiers to Christ through the gang rape, which is the scene that happens in Heaven's Girl. That is what I was afraid of and preparing for violence by soldiers. This unthinkable fear, of course, was instilled by their leader, David Berg. He had this whole thing that is, if somebody rapes you, let him, you should use it as an opportunity to win these people to the Lord.

Like, if somebody's going to rape you, you should give him Jesus. That was how I learned about rape. Like, oh, if somebody tries to rape me, only in their head are they doing something violent, but in my head, I should be giving him Jesus. I was sexually abused as a child. I was five. There was just something in me that like set off an alarm of this shouldn't be happening, this shouldn't be happening.

We were alone, we were in a bunk bed. I was not allowed to make noise. And then the the the the the the the threat threat the threat threat threat threat threat threat threat threat th the threat, of course, is that if you say anything, then I'm gonna do it to your siblings. You know, that's the first instance of love being used against you, and then you learn not to love because it's used against you. And I didn't want to feel that again. And I knew that I had a right to not be forced into sex. Another time that I like narrowly escaped

sexual abuse. I was six. We had gypsy night. The gypsies are wild and free, as you know, and so we all dressed up in scarves and they encouraged like all the kids to lay down and touch each other and I was supposed to make out with Peter, another kid in my class who I did not like. The adults would watch and be happy for us. I remember falling asleep, and I woke up being carried towards my bedroom by an adult. I was wrapped up in a scarf, and I remember being upset because I had had like little paper hearts cut out and put on my nipples, and had fallen off so I was like all self-conscious of my

nipples. There was no teacher in there. My teacher was probably downstairs fucking and he probably knew that. It's dark in there and this would be the perfect time. So this adult put me in bed on the bottom bunk. It was like all wet and I knew that there was pee. This adult came and tried to crawl into bed with me and it was all wet so he kind of recoiled. He was like, did you pee the bed? I said yes I pied the bed and he was disgusted with me. Then stormed out of the room. And I remember being like, I knew what I had just avoided. It wasn't my pee.

It was the boy above me who would have night terrors and he would pee, and he would pee his bed a lot. And so I was used to being peed on, and I was used to waking up in either my pee or his pee. And that is how, haped on, by another boy in my class saved me. Wow. Thank God for Peter's pee. For real.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go hug my children. Those are the worst memories for sure. What is your best memory? Um. We would go to parks, and they would just let us play. And those were really happy memories for me. Like being in the river, being able to make flower crowns, I wouldn't be able to wear them because if I wore them I would get in trouble

because then that was me trying to be glamorous. But I could make them, so now looking back, the good memories for me, they feel much lighter because now I understand the amount the amount the amount the amount the amount the amount the amount the amount the amount the amount the amount the amount the amount the amount the amount the amount the amount the, the good memories for me, they feel much lighter because now I understand the amount of darkness that was surrounding them. One can imagine growing up in this tortured environment is enough to break a child. My first attempt to take my life was when I was 12. I was standing on top of the roof, on top of the commune, and it was high enough that I could jump off of it.

I was trying to, there were two cars parked, and I was trying to aim, because I was like, I know if I land on the car, that I'm just going to break a leg and then I'm going to get in trouble for jumping the car. So I was like, trying to see if I could aim between the cars. And then I heard the baby wake up and I was like, God damn it, went to go get the baby. So thank God for crying babies and Peter's P. But Angel wouldn't stay a little girl forever. I hit puberty and I started to become, like, thracitive. I knew that I that I that I that I that I that I would that I would that I would that I would that I would that I would that I would that I would that I would that I would that I would that I would that I would that I would that I would that I would the the the. I would would the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby the baby girl forever. I hit puberty and I started to become like attractive. I knew that I would need to like stay one step ahead of the predators

and when people would approach me to have like sacrificial dates with them, I would say I'm not strong enough spiritually to like receive you and like you're such a strong man and you're so full of God and I wouldn't be able to receive you spiritually. And they would be like, yeah, you're right you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you're you're you're you're th to feel to feel to feel to feel to feel to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the to the to to to to to to to to to to wouldn't be able to receive you spiritually. And they would be like, yeah, you're right. They needed to feel desired, and so I would give that to them without giving myself to them, and it worked, thankfully. What a brilliant strategy, Angel. Stroke a man's ego to successfully escape unwanted advances. But not every man took the rejection so easily.

One time when she was 20 years old, this one guy wanted to have sex with me and he was married, his wife was pregnant, and he had asked every single girl in the commune for sex, they called it a date, and he had asked me for a date, and I went and you had to pray about it. So you couldn't say yes or no. Jesus had to say yes or no. So she prayed. And then the prophecy that I got from Jesus was if you're not ready then you don't have to be ready.

And I was like, great, that's a no. So this person came up to me during like a dance night. He was like, hey, did you pray about it? And I. And, the the the the the the the the the th. And th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, to. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to. to. to. to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, to. So, to. So, to. So, toe. So, toe. So, toe. So, to. So, to. So, to. So, to. So, to. So, to. So, to. So, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. So, toe. it? And I was like, yeah I did actually and Jesus said no. And he like grabbed me by the shoulders and shoved me against a wall and he was like, Jesus didn't say no, you're going to pray about it again and you're going to get it yes because Jesus is not going to say no. And he walked off. She went and told the home leader all about it, who was also pregnant at the toomorrow. t. t. And, t. And, t. And, tttttttttttttttttttthe too, too, too, too, to, to, too, too, too, too, told, told, told, and, and he, told, told, and he, and he was, and he was, and he, and he, and he, to, to, to, to, to, to, and he, and he, to, to, to, to, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, and, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, too, too, too, too, the too, the the the too, the the the too, the the the the the the told, the the told, the the told, too, the too, too, too, the too She was in the same position as this dude's wife, so she was a little bit more empathetic. She got really upset and we ended up having a whole united prayer against this dude and his pregnant wife. What's united prayer? Oh, it's the shame circle.

It's where we get together. We all lay hands on you and we're all going to pray against you. Then I would list out all the problems that I think think ththen we would all create like a beautiful chain of prayer for you. And we would basically have a mini little exorcism for you. And at no point during this united prayer you allowed to say anything. You just have to sit there and be thankful that we are praying for you. And he and his wife were in the circle? Yes. What did she do wrong? She was complicit, like she let him ask everybody for sex, and if she didn't let him ask everybody for sex, she would be wrong. But she did, so she's also wrong, because isn't everything at the end of the day the woman's fault. So, they both got prayed against. Nobody had sex with him. No. When I was praying against you during United Prayer, I would have to claim a verse and a spirit helper to make my prayer as powerful as possible.

So when praying, they would enlist the services of an angel, also known as a spirit helper. But they wouldn't settle for just any run-of-the-mill angel, they outsourced to famous angels. Like Michael the Archangel is one. Elvis Presley. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the thi. thi. thi. thi. the thoe, thoe, thoe, thoe, thovede, tho, tho, thovede, the tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, the, the, the, thu, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, th. I I I the, th. I the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, tho. tho' tho' thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo'e.ea. Ande, the the the the ource to famous angels. Like Michael the Archangel is one, Billy Bojangles is one, Elvis Presley, clearly. Marilyn Monroe, Nixon, Rasputin, basically celebrities. Celebrities that you would think that... Would be the evilest of them all, you would think? Well, now they're forgiven in heaven and they're repentant. Right. And they're helping us from the spirit world. Right.

So we had a lot of spirit helpers. She continued to move from commune to commune. All while narrowly dodging sexual predation. She went from Tokyo to Mexico and eventually San Diego. And it was there where she met someone. I met him the day that I landed in the commune.. he. he. he. he. he. the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. they was they was they was they were they were they were th. th. they were they were th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they were th. th. th. th. they were th. th. they were th. th. they were they were th. they were th. they were the. they were there where she met someone. I met him the day that I landed in the commune. He was lovely.

He was also born and raised in the group, and they immediately fell into a relationship. He said he wanted to marry me, but we both knew that that didn't mean anything in the context of a cult. So he was like, I want to leave and then let's get married. So we left. I didn't leave because I had seen the light or I had had questions. I left because I loved a boy.

And that's it. Leaving was terrible. Because you leave your family, you leave your whole world, and you leave everything that you know in exchange for something to leave the commune. We moved to Vista, which is like this little town. About 40 minutes north of San Diego. We got an apartment. We moved to Vista, which is like this little town.

About 40 minutes north of San Diego. We got an apartment. It was a one-bedroom and I remember walking in. The appliances were new, the carpet was new, the paint was new, and I had never been anywhere that was freshly cleaned. And then they got legally married. And then it was just we both went into survival mode of like, all right, where are we going to get money to make this month's rent? Neither of us have job history, credit history, education, nothing. But again, I was good with babies.

So I got a job as a nanny and he got a job as like a security guard. We had $150 for food for the month for both of us. A lot of beans and rice. I mean, we both grew up in poverty in their to th and th and the the the the th. thoe thoe. thoe. th. th. And th. And th. And th. And tho. And th. tho. tho. tho. tho, tho, tho, tho, thi. And, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho. And, tho. And, tho. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, thea. And, the. up in poverty, so it's not like we wanted luxury food. Right. I used to dream about being able to buy like a bottle of wine. One day, I'm going to spend $10 on a bottle of wine. She was 23 years old, essentially an adult, but... My brain was so massively underdeveloped that I was still very... She was 23 years old, essentially an adult, but... My brain was so massively underdeveloped that I was still very young and old at the same time because I've been through some stuff that I should not have been through really early on,

but then I also just have huge gaps in my knowledge. Like, again, my schooling had stopped when I was just turning 12. So, I didn't know how to. So I didn't know how to think. I didn't know how to communicate. I didn't understand anything about how the world works. And I didn't know anyone. And while she was simply learning how to just exist in the world, she was also burdened by her cult.

Mentally, I was still very much in the cult. I took literature with me. I would still try to to to to to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be a to be to be to be toe how to be to be to be to be to be to be to be a to be a toe how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how how the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the theck. the thinkinkinkinkinkink. thiauoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooingefficient. toefficient. toe in the cult. I took literature with me. I would still try and wake up and have word time and pray and trying to be a good soldier and still be in the army as best I could. You can stay in a cult for the rest of your life while not being in a cult for the rest of your life. So everything is still there. There's the constant threathea threat threat threat threat threat threat threat threat threat threat threat threat threat threat threat threat threat threat threat the of the of that that, that, their, the constant the constant the constant ththa. th. the constant their, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the, stepped out of this and out of love for me he has to punish me. Angel lived with this fear for four years.

But then one day. I read a book by Brunet Brown, Gifts of Imperfection, and in it she says, you're enough as you are. And I remember reading it and then like closing the book and like throwing it across the room. All my conditioning rushed to the front to be like it's a no to this thought. When you see like really abused victims and you try to tell them that they're good enough, they get upset at you because they know, because they've been taught their whole life that know they're not enough, they're shit...... th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi've been taught their whole life, that know they're not enough, they're shit. Because everyone treats them like shit. So it's too much to process.

So the best thing to do was just throw it away. But again, it's that thought that sits there and is like, why not? If God made me enough? Because why would he make me not enough? So let me try and read it again. And I read it over and over and over and over. The sentence. And then I tried to believe it and it didn't work. And then I tried to sit there and think it. I kept after it. the took a while. And then I tried to sit there and think it. I kept after it. It took a while, but eventually I was able to think it and then eventually I was able to say it to myself in the mirror and I felt

it like go through my brain, like I felt new electrical stuff just like light up because I had never in my life, first of all had my own thought, and secondly I had never had the thought that I was good enough. I just felt it and then I cried. And then eventually it became one of the core beliefs that I built the rest of my brain off of. No matter what happens, at the end of the day I'm always enough. And that's just never going to be whatever thoughts I wanted, and then once I had the pieces of, yes, I'm enough, and I'm capable of logical thought, then that started the grieving process, and I think that the unlocking of the grief then allowed

me to acknowledge the actuality of yeah I was raised in a cult and then friendships fall apart and all of that jazz happens. What happened with the marriage? We both had cult personality and then we left and we developed and then we both developed our own personalities. We both grew into the people that we were meant to be and then once that happened then the marriage fell apart. And we'd been together for a decade into the people that we were meant to be. And then once that happened, then the marriage fell apart. And we'd been together for a decade. And the decision to leave the marriage was the first decision that I made by myself for myself.

So where are you in the journey today? Ooh. Today I am in learning how to share it. You have to tell the story that you lived, otherwise it gets stuck in your body. And I've thought about this a lot of, if I could have picked my life, would I have picked differently? And I wouldn't have.

I wouldn't be this person if I hadn't had the darkness billed me. So I have to reconcile that somehow and be grateful for it because I'm super grateful for who I am now. The other day I went to, this is very Venice, where I'm about to say a very Venice moment. She's referring to Venice Beach, California. So I took some mushrooms and I went to a sunset silent disco on the beach in Venice. So I have headphones on and like for just like dancing on the beach. I'm a little high watching the waves.

And then I just stood there for a moment. And it was such a beautiful moment. It was also a moment of just overwhelming gratitude. I had to to try to the the beach. I had to the to the the. I had. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I had to. I had to. I had to. I had to. I had to. I had to. I had to. I had to. I had to. I had to. I had to. I had to. I had to. So. So. So. So. So. I had to. So. So. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. a beautiful moment. It was also a moment of just overwhelming gratitude. I had to go through so much healing in order to have that moment of gratitude. My bright spots are so much brighter because I know how much it took to get there. Then I cried. Yeah. I think that life is meant to be long enough to recover, and I'm just super thankful that it was.

You can only go up. If you've had a bad experience at the beginning of your life, like, you literally can only go up from there. And I think that's really thrilling. Angel. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your unbelievable journey with us. You are truly an inspiration. Today, Angel lives in Los Angeles. She is a yoga teacher and has a YouTube channel where she speaks out about cults, religious

trauma, healing, and living with CPTSD. To learn more about CPTSD, please visit CPTSD Foundation.org. And if you have been a suffer of child sexual abuse, and this episode sparked any trauma for you, please speak with someone. As a victim of child sexual abuse myself, I know how important it is to the tod, the the the the the the the the the the the tod, tod, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, tod, tod, today, tod, tod, tod, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, tod, tod, tod tod tod tod toda, today today today to to to to to to to to today to today today today today today today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, tuma for you. Please speak with someone. As a victim of child sexual abuse myself, I know how important it is to talk to somebody about these things. Remember, you are not alone. And remember, you are enough, exactly as you are. We'll be back next week with a bit more of a lighter episode.

Two more survivors of Liz's acting class cult. They are two remarkable women and they're my friends, and they're hilarious and very open. Okay, if I want to truly get everything I'm here to get, I have to believe everything. I mean, I just went full on. She called me her daughter and would say she gave birth to me. She was my guru. She had me convinced at one point that if I wasn't for her, I wouldn't be in the pussycat dolls.

I got the job two years prior, and we were already at the height of the success, but she took credit for it. Until next week, tell me thank you and tell me you love me. Not happening, Tyler. Fine. And the Nobel Prize winning Liz I am a cult? It's story produced and written by the dance hall doctor Tyler. And the Nobel Prize winning Liz Iakosy. Executive producer is Maya Cole Howard. Supervising producer is Ari Vassil. Audio editors, Chandler, Maze.

Publicist is Lauren Dutton Breen. Audio engineer, here in LA is Danel Goodman. And our fan of the week is Brent Thornton. Thanks for pimp on us, sir. And please consider contributing to our Patreon page. Visit Was I and Occult. to come for more information. What's Dance Hall Doctor?

I don't know it just sounded funny. Oh God, don't let Tyler write words. Don't let Tyler write the jokes. You got something better in you, Liz. You got something. Don't let Tyler write the jokes. Dance hall doctor.