Was I In A Cult? - Mormon…More Women PT 1: "My Husband’s Wife"

Episode Date: September 8, 2021

Faced with the fear of an impending apocalypse, Joanne and her husband move to a small Utah town to live "Mormonism on steroids", which means wearing long underwear, communicating with the dead, prophetic visions, odd temple rituals, cookies with Jesus, and the law of celestial marriage (i.e. polygamy). If you or someone you know has been in a cult and want to share your story, contact us at [e-mail] We'd love to hear from you. Link to Joanne's Book, "It's Not About Sex My Ass: Confessions of an Ex-Mormon Ex-Polygamist Ex-Wife": https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-About-Sex-Ex-Polygamist-ebook/dp/B008Q4D6E4 Please support Was I In A Cult? Through Patreon

This episode contains sexual references, strong language, and comical justifications for marrying multiple teenagers. Enjoy. I remember the leader, calling upon Jesus and the host of heaven to come down and meet us. And I remember looking up to the host of heaven to come down and meet us. And I remember looking up toward the ceiling, through my veil, I thought the ceiling was just going to part and the bright light was going to come in and I would see these personages floating down into the room and hover above us. I'd spent my whole life thinking about it,

spent seven years preparing for it. I was willing to become a polygamous to actually see Christ in the flesh. Hi, I'm Liz Iakuzzi. And I'm Tyler Miesum. And this is, was I in a cult? What, oh, you, so we were saying it together? Yeah, I figured we've...we don't have to do everything together. I just wanted to say the title as well, Liz. Okay.

You can't say the title every time. Why don't you just tell them what the show is about? Great, I'll take that too. So, this is called Was I in a Cult? And this is a show about- I said that already. And you didn't say it with the right inflection. It's was I in a cult? were you. No cult shaming here. Okay, good. So this is a show, a podcast, about brave individuals who clawed their way out of various cults and rebuilt their

lives. That was really good. Thanks, Liz. Today we feature a woman by the name of Joanne. She tells her story about being in a small Utah-based cult. It is quite a tale. It's also one that Joanne can look back at with some levity. In fact, she co-wrote a hysterical book about her time in the cult entitled, It's Not About the Sex My Ass. So she definitely understands that comedy can heal tragedy. And since she had a lot of fun with her story, so do we. But understand, dear listener, that not every one of our future episodes will feature such jocularity. Because of course we do understand that being in and leaving a cult is a very serious and dramatic issue.

And we treat every guest and their story with respect. But also, what's wrong with having a way bit of fun? So, where should we start? Where should we start? Let's take it back. Let's take it way back. Tell us your tale, Joanne. I was born to some great parents. They raised us in the LDS Church, which is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

We called ourselves Mormons growing up. Uh, aren't they all Mormons? Okay, so officially, as of a couple years ago, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, no longer wishes to be referred to as Mormon. They prefer the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Well, that's a bit of a mouthful, wouldn't you say? Yeah, I think for today we're just going to stick with Mormon. Okay. My father was in the Air Force. When I was six, we moved to Florida. A few years later, we moved to Northern Maine.

A few years after we left Maine and moved to Oram, Utah, and that was a big shock. All of a sudden, I was just one of many Mormons. All the kids at school were Mormons. We had assemblies in high school where they'd start with a prayer. We'd go to church for three hours on Sunday, every single Sunday. So for all of you who have not seen the Book of Mormon musical or Murder Among the Mormons, here is a quick rundown on Mormonism. Is that Mormon music?

It's close. It's very close, Liz. Yeah, insert Mormon music here. In the early 1800s, in upstate New York, a 14-year-old boy named Joseph Smith went into the woods to pray, hoping to New York, a 14-year-old boy named Joseph Smith went into the woods to pray, hoping to figure out which church to join. He was then visited by God and Jesus. And what did God and Jesus have to say?

What they told him is to not join any church, Liz. That messaging feels a bit off-brand for that duo. True. So a few years later, an angel then appeared to the to to the woe to to to to the church to to to the church to to the church to to the church to to the church to the church to the church the church the church to the church bit off brand for that duo. True. So, a few years later, an angel then appeared to Joseph Smith. So this angel then led him to some gold plates. Real gold plates, Tyler. Yes, Liz, real gold plates buried in the ground. And these plates contained ancient writings that Joseph Smith translated into a book of scripture known as...

The Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon. So he then started his own church and he named it the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the Mormons. And then he declared himself the prophet and president of said church. How convenient. Mm-hmm which then means that he receives direct revelation from God himself. As all self-proclaimed prophets do. You sure do know a lot about Mormonism, Tyler. Well, Liz, that's because I was raised as a Mormon. I used to be one. But this story is not about me. Let's go back to Joanne. Right. So, she was now in Utah. that. Tho'er. that's thrown tho to the the churc. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their to their their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tooe, too-c. too-c. I I I I too-c. I toooooooo-c. I the the truuuu. the the the the the the the the the tru-c. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the too-c. Iu. I to Joanne. Right. So she was now in Utah. Graduated from Orm High School and went to BYU. Brigham Young University, a Mormon-owned school in Provo, Utah, which is about 98% Mormon. I want to talk to the one Jewish kid who's at this school. It's just just like I'm just here for the strong forestry department. I enjoyed school, majored in interior design, but I never imagined myself graduating. I thought I'd just find a

husband, settle down and use interior design in my own home to make my home a pretty place for my kids and my husband. I kept going to BYU, getting good grades. I was so shy and awkward. I graduated from BYU without being kissed, without any kind of serious relationship, and that was just embarrassing. Sexual repression at its finest. If anyone would know, If anyone would know it

would not be me. Moving on. Sorry. I had some roommates that got married, great guys that they met on campus, and it just never happened for me. To Mormon's marriage is essential if you want to make it back into God's presence in heaven, a place Mormons refer to as the celestial kingdom. After I graduated from BYU, I moved into an apartment so that I could meet guys. I dated this guy for a while and that got me used to men. He had a house with a hot tub. Good on you, Joanne.

I too only date men with hot tubs. Sometimes I'd stay at his place till like two or three in the morning. Never dared stay overnight because that was just too risky, too close to sinning. Surprise! Premarital sex is a no-no in the Mormon church. But so is drinking, smoking, watching Rated Movies, and coffee or tea. What about oral sex? Or anal sex?

There's got to be some workarounds here. You know, he's looking for the loophole, aren't you, Liz? I'm just, you know, curious. I wanted to get married, but he didn't. So she broke it off. But she was still seeking that delightful Mormon husband. So she joined a Mormon dating service. Wait, what year are we in now?

This is the year of our Lord, 1990. It was called Latter-day Ideals, the Mormon Dating Service, and I was able to go into the office and read some profiles of men that I liked. One of them had moved to California, one of them wasn't dating at the time, and then one that I really liked. He was tall. He had been married before and had a couple of twin boys, which I thought was just so fantastic. This was a gentleman by the name of Jeff.

But did Jeff have a hot tub, Tyler? No. First red flag, Joanne. So he called me right away to, you know, set up a date. We decided to meet at one of my church softball games. I saw him drive into the parking lot. Oh, he's cute. I went up and started talking to him for a bit, and then it was my turn to bat again. So I got up there and I hit a home run. And I was so happy to impress him. And I was so happy to impress him.

I have a feeling that wasn't the type of home run she really wanted to hit. Oh no. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That one was just sitting there, waiting for me to. We saw each other every single day from then on. He'd come to my apartment, we'd make out, and I think it was about 10 days after we first met. We were cuddling on the bed, and he said,

I love you, I want to marry you. My immediate thought was, if I don't say yes, I'll scare them off and I'll lose my chance. So even though I was not sure at all, I said, yes, I would love that. So we started talking about wedding plans, and we planned it for a few months ahead. We'd met in June and we got married the end of August. We had a great wedding in the end of August. We had a great wedding in the Salt Lake Temple, and then we went on our honeymoon to Disney World in Florida. After the wedding, we moved into his condo, and within a month, I was pregnant.

My son was born in the end of July, just a month before our first anniversary. And after about a year, I talked to Jeff about becoming a massage therapist. I said, maybe I should get a job, you know, have a career besides just being a mom to this little kid. He said, well, why don't we just have some more children? So I got pregnant again. As I was growing up, I was taught to obey my parents. So when I got married, I was taught to obey my husband.

And I was taught to obey the church leaders, all the men. So Tyler, you're telling teling teling teling you're teling their their their their their their their the church leaders, all the men. So Tyler, you're telling me there's misogyny present in the confines of a religion? Shocking Liz, but true. Jeff started to practice. Working as a chiropractor, and it was doing really, really well, making good money. We purchased a home, and it was a great house. I then had my third child, a girl, and that was great. We had three kids and we were just happy.

What a sweet story. I love a good happy ending. Thank you all for joining us on, was I in a call? No, well, that's actually not the ending, Liz, it's actually kind of just the beginning. Shit. I was afraid you were going to say that. Don't spare my life. Crucify me. Before we go back to Joanne Tyler, let's tell them a little bit about us.

What? Do you think we need some clout or gravitas to prove our audio worthiness? I mean, don't we live in a world where all you need is a microphone and then you're an automatic podcast host? True. Well they should know that you're a world-renowned documentary filmmaker. I mean that's very nice I don't know about in a world. You're at least American renowned and you also happened to escape some religious cultic upbringing. Mm-hmm and they should know that you are a writer and comedian who took an acting class when you first moved to LA, which turned into a self-help cult. Which was effing crazy. Yeah, and we will get to that.

But let's get back to Joanne as we are not narcissistic cult leaders. We don't need everything to be about us. Right. So now it's 1992. And until this point, Joanne is happily married, living in Mormon Utah, all as well. For now. Where we lived, there were people talking about the second coming. And to Mormons, this was, you know, the big deal.

The second coming of Jesus. They just loved that subject. Because they were preparing for what? The millennium, when Mormons are the only ones, that live on the earth and everybody is happy. Everybody thinks the same. But then one day, Jeff goes to a chiropractic meeting, a convention, and he comes back with

a set of seven videotapes all about the second coming. He parked in front of the TV and watched these tapes and was just enthralled with them. The tapes featured nothing more than a quiet Mormon scholar, sitting all by himself, talking to the camera. He'd show some scriptural references, and he predicted that the second coming was going to be at a certain time, like within a year or two. And we believed it, every single part of it. Now remember, Mormons have the Bible and the Book of Mormon, but they also have revelation

from past prophets, and it is not uncommon for some members to receive their own ideas. references, and re re. their references, and their their their their their their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and thiiiiii. And, and thi. And, and thi. And, and thiiii. And, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thiii, and thiii, and thiii, and thiii, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thi.eeeeeeeean, thi thiiiiiiiiii.eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, thi. Mormon, but they also have revelation from past prophets, and it is not uncommon for some members to receive their own ideas and revelations, some of which might not exactly fit what the mainstream Mormon church teaches. There's so much convenience factor in the Mormon religion. It's a very DIY religion. Don't wait for our revelation. Get your own! We start reading a lot of books. Well, own. We start reading a lot of books. Well, actually Jeff starts reading a lot of books because I'm busy with three little kids. And he starts

sharing all this information with me. And we had an extra room downstairs and we filled it with canned goods and all these things to survive the last days because society was going to collapse and you were going to have thiss to survive the last days because society was going to collapse and you were going to have to have this food to survive. And then one day they stumbled upon an article in a newspaper about a man in Mantai that was teaching last day's prophecies. He had been a real estate broker and he got all religious and moved to Manti because that was going to be the place that things were going to happen

in the future. Joanne is referring to Manti, a quiet but charming little community located in central Utah. So Jeff looked him up in the phone book and gave him a call and it was Jim Harmston. And apparently every weekend at his little house in Mantai, Jim would teach spiritual classes. He called these models. We got invited down to his weekend of teachings. We took the children to my mom's house. I don't remember the excuse we gave them, but we went down to Mantai and listened to Jim for two days. So Jim was fairly short, quite chunky, had a nice beard, and was very kind.

We'd sit there and he had a whiteboard, and he would draw diagrams, and he used references from Mormon Mormon doctrine and he talked a lot about the second coming. He talked about the safe place, which was Manti, and a thing he called the Shakina. Which we pictured as kind of a dome over Manti in the surrounding area to keep out the wars and the refugees and it was so exciting. So he was preaching his own interpretations then. Basically, I mean it should be noted that Jim had taken a hard left away from the accepted mainstream Mormonism. So Shakina and Mantai being this rapture safe zone were not taught in traditional Mormon

Sunday school? Not the Sunday school I went to Liz. Right. Shakina, am I saying that right? I don't know what a chakina is. Every once in a while, you'd get so emotional about these things that you'd get that tingly feeling. And he actually taught us that that tingly feeling we were getting was a witness from people who worked for the Holy Ghost. Kind of like Sandus Helpers.

I can't remember the word, but nobody else is going to know it anyway. He would see people kind of the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tho tho the the thi thi the the the the the the the tho the tho tho tho the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the th. the th. the. th. the. the. the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the the the the an theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee an the an the an th of like Santa's helpers. I can't remember the word, but nobody else is going to know it anyway. He would see people kind of tear up or look excited and he would say, you're getting a witness. That means your angel across the veil would put their hand on your back and give you that tingly feeling, give you that burning in the bosom that made you know that what was just said was true. I call that feeling something else Tyler. And what is it you call Liz? I call it a shaking, shaking in my bones. A reverberation of love. You should probably just stick with witness. It's a lot easier, not shorter.

Okay. Jeff was determined to move down to Mantai, and this was going to be our getaway for when, you know, the world collapsed. But there was one more issue that was discussed. Oh, Jim also talked about polygamy in the meetings. To have the Kingdom of Earth on ready for Christ to come back, you'd have to live the higher law of celestial plural marriage. Jeff thought polygamy was just fine because his great-great-grandfather was a famous pioneer that had several wives.

So Tyler, what's up with Mormons and multiple wives? Just give it to me straight. Glad you ask, Liz. Let's go back to 1833. Boop barbid, bribboh, bina, wow. That's still not Mormon music, Liz. So Joseph Smith is the president and prophet of the flourishing Mormon church, and as prophet he can...

Let me guess, receive revelations from God. Yes, and one of those revelations that Joseph received was called the Law of Celestial Marriage. Also known as multiple wives syndrome, MWS. Yes, also known as polygamy. Right. And let me guess. Joseph got the message and was like, Oh, yes, God. I hear you loud and clear. You want me to have sex with 30 women. I will do it.

In your name. Pretty much. And although Joseph was already married, he jumped right into that spiritual messaging and married his 16-year-old housekeeper in the barn behind his house. Because no one said he had to be classy to be a polygimimimimimist. Oh. Oh. Oh old housekeeper in the barn, behind his house. Because no one said he had to be classy to be a polygamist. Joseph went on to marry 35 more times. 35 times? Jesus Christ! How did he remember them all? What do you have to do?

Color code them? Like, call them by their number? Like, hey, wife, 13! My eggs are cold! You know, one does have to respect the man's commitment to God's vision. And women got to marry multiple men, too, of course, right? No, Liz, of course they didn't. Oh, right, I forgot. Women aren't worthy of God's prophecies. That makes sense. However, the church did eventually disavow polygamy in 1890. Too many cat fights. Yeah. Well worry not Liz. It's still doctrine that men will practice polygamy in the next life in heaven. Well

haliff, eff in Lola. So you got that to look forward to. Tyler you know a lot about polygamy. Is there a how many bedrooms do you have and I have enough? Is there something you're not telling us? Just enough Liz. The truth be told is my great, great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great. their to their to to their to their their to their to their their their to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their their their their their their their their their their to th. to. th. to. th. to. th. to. the. te. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. And I have enough. Is there something you're not telling us? Just enough, Liz. The truth be told is, my great, great, great grandfather was a polygamist. So polygamy is in my jeans, or my dockers, depending upon what I'm wearing that day. So bad. Let's go back to Joanne and Jeff, please. Yes, please. I wanted to be on the front row when Jesus came back. You know, I wanted to be special. I was willing to move to Manti, become a polygamous, and get ready for Christ to return.

So Jeff and Joanne sold their house, they packed up, and moved to Manti. The Land of Polygamous Dreams. My parents came down with us and helped us move all our boxes and furniture in and my dad was setting up the crib in the upstairs bedroom. My dad finally got up the courage to say, so are you moving here because of that group, that Jim Harmston group? And I said, yes. We believe that this is the safe place for the calamities that are going to come and we also believe that we're going to need to live polygamy. My mom threw up her arms, turned around and said, oh, Alan, oh! And just

ran down the hall and down the stairs out into the backyard. And my dad turned to me and said, you've broken your mother's heart. At the time I had to think, well, if her heart is broken over the truth, then she's just really beautiful, old two-story Victorian with a huge fenced yard and we had a big garden. Jim lived a few blocks away, everybody else lived fairly nearby. And we would meet every Sunday and we'd also get together in the evenings at people's homes and have meetings. The men would get together in the evenings at people's homes and have meetings. The men would get together and have meetings.

The women would get together at somebody's home and have a meeting. And a lot of the meetings were potluck dinners. So a lot of socializing. Those must have been some dinner parties like, Hey Sally, has your Harry found a second wife yet? Not yet, but we keep praying. Oh, don't worry. She'll show up right when you least expect it.

That's how love works. You should try the guck. It's delicious. You nailed it, Liz. That is Manti Mormon housewife voice number 12. So at first, there were probably about a dozen families. And as Jim had his models, maybe once a month, some couple would decide they believed it and they'd moved to Mantai.

So it continued to grow. It was within the first year we were there that the men discussed the idea of forming a church. And when they formed the church, they named it the True year we were there that the men discussed the idea of forming a church and when they formed the church they named it the true and living church of Jesus Christ of Saints of the Last Days. We called it TLC for short. So Jim was the leader, the president. Jim's revelation was that Jeff should be the president of the quorum of 12 apostles. That was pretty exciting. But the tenets of this new founded faith didn't stray too far from the classics.

The pattern of our church was just like the LDS church. In fact, we joked about it being kind of like Mormonism on steroids, but more of extreme. So our church was extreme Mormonism. And of course, we went back to Joseph Smith's teachings and tried to start from there. And one of those teachings was that if you become Mormon, and you keep all of the commandments. Don't drink lattes, no sex in hot tubs. Only date men with hot tubs. When you die, you become, you become, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the church. the church. So. So. the church the church the church. So. So. So, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch. Soch, ch. Soch, ch. Soch is is ch is ch. Soch is ch is ch is the church the church the church the church the church, the church, the church, the church the church the church the church the church the church the church the church the church the church the church the the the church the the of the commandments. Don't drink lattes, no sex in hot tubs, only date men with hot tubs.

When you die, you can become a god. And you get your own planet. What in the hell am I going to do with a planet? I can really keep three plants alive. Well, you're a woman, Liz. Women don't get planets. So we believed that as a man became a god, he would be able to populate a new planet. He would have one of his wives and procreate and have spirit children, and these spirit children would take bodies and

populate this particular earth. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So men get an entire planet and women get to be in a marriage with a bunch of other wives and give birth to a collection of spirit babies? Yep. Yeah, that lines up. Well, looking to this way, Liz. At least you don't have to change spirit diapers. I'd make one of my sister wives do it. Wife number 13. Yeah, the one one, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. thiiolatolatolathea, thi. thiolite tho, tho, thoompioli. thi. Wait, thi. Wait, thi. Wait, wait, thi. Wait, thi. Wait, thi. Wait, thi. Wait, th. Wait, th. Wait, th. Wait, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Wait, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. Wife 13. Wife number 13. Yeah, the one who sucks at making eggs. Okay, so we've established the polygamy is a big part of Mormonism, both in this life and the next. But for the Manti group, they weren't really practicing it.

Yet. As we'd get in our meetings, we'd talk about polygamy. Jim would preach it in church. There was a man who somehow met a young girl. She liked him and he liked her, and they ended up being the first couple to live polygamy in our Manti group. That was a big deal. And then Jim decided that it was his turn and he found a single woman that lived in a nearby town and started courting her. And shortly thereafter, married her, becoming the second polygamist couple in town. Soon, Jeff started to feel the pressure to take on a second wife, but Joanne wanted to make sure that Celestial marriage was right for them.

So like every other decision they made, they needed to pray about it. We had built a little altar. We had it in our bedroom. It was just a little wooden box. We patted the top so we could put our arms on them. And the the the the the the the the the the the the and the the the the, and the the the, and the the the, and the their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and the the their, and, together, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, together, soo.so.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s. Weaughe. Weaughe. Wea. Weaughe. Weaughe. Weaughe. Ande. We patted the top so we could put our arms on that. And the two sides folded down and they were padded so that you could kneel there and hold hands across the altar. We'd pray and we'd ask questions and wait and say, you know, what did you get?

Well I got this and we'd share our ideas. We felt that we needed to find Jeff a wife so we could start proving that we were worthy by living the celestial marriage. See, but the problem with the Mantai group is that there weren't a lot of single adult women. I don't want to hear what comes next. Here it comes. Oh dear God. There was a family in the group that had a teenage daughter. Jeff was attracted to her.

She might have been 17. So we prayed about her, and we felt good about it, you know, got that witness that we should have her in our family and build his kingdom. Jeff Witten talked to her father and he seemed kind of disgusted at the idea that his daughter would marry an older man and become a polygamous and he was part of the group. We didn't quite understand why our revelation was wrong. So they kept looking, and eventually they met.

A certain family from New Mexico planned on moving to Mantai. And they had three teenage daughters. They were all just beautiful girls. Jeff was really motivated. Let me guess. Jeff got the witness. We visited with them for a while, and then as we were driving home we discussed, you know, well, the older daughter, Judith, she was 17 at the time, is the only one old enough

at this point to get married. Jeff says, well, I think I should do it. And unlike the previous man, Judith's father was amenable to the idea. He was a big fan of Brigham Young. He taught his daughters these ideas and when they found Jim, everything just fit. Little backstory, Brigham Young was the second prophet of the Mormon church, and he had 55 wives, many of whom were teenagers. Brigham Young as in Brigham Young University? Yes, yeah, and oddly enough, at Brigham Young University there is a moral code that says

you can't drink alcohol or smoke or wear shorts or drink coffee or tea or engage in premarital sex or have a beard. But you can be a pedophile, 55 times if you wanted to. So long as you don't drink a latte. Anyway, let's go back to Joanne. They moved to town. He proposed to Judith. Bought her a ring. They set the date.

And Joanne planned a big wedding reception. I loved to entertain. They used to call me the Martha Stewart of Mantai. I was kind of scared of my feelings because I was just worried that at some point I was going to get really jealous or feel very rejected. So I just went on planning the reception, planning where Judith would live. She was going to have what had been the guest room. So I had that all fixed up. And here is the room where my husband will make sweet, sweet love to a teenager, whenever he wants. Let me just make sure the devet matches the curtains.

So the day of the wedding arrives. One of the families in the group, they had a barn, and there was a stairway that went up to the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the upstairs the up the up the up the up the families in the group, they had a barn and there was a stairway that went up to the upstairs above the animals. They had fixed it up, carpeted it, put curtains on the windows, and we called it the endowment house. This is where we had our wedding ceremony. We'd go into the barn, pass the chickens and the cows, and climb these rickety wooden stairs,

and sit around in those big plastic stackable chairs that she'd get at the home supply store, but they were white, and it was all very holy, and... Anyway, one of the men had built one of these altars with the padded tops. I knew how to paint wood to make it look like marble. I painted it white and then I put some gray, gold, blue, marbling veins in the wood. So this was our marble altar. Everybody thought it was just fantastic, especially me. For the ceremony, there were a couple of dozen people.

We all stood around in our temple robes, just like the LDS church. Temple robes are a full-body white jumpsuit, or a dress with a sash, a white cap or a veil, and a green apron. This clothing is sacred to Mormons. What's the green apron for? That's so, so you don't get eggs on your white sash. You better tell that to wife 13. She is. She's just so clumsy. She's about to come wife 14. Jeff and Judith kneeled across the altar from each other and held hands.

And I kneeled next to Judith and put my hand on top across the altar from each other and held hands, and I kneeled next to Judith and put my hand on top of theirs. Jim presided. He went through the marriage ceremony. I can't remember how it went. I guess like a normal marriage ceremony, except that I happened to be there and I think they asked me if I approved, and so we all said yes and that was about it. After the wedding, we had a great big party, big wedding cake, lots of people were there.

We just visited and had fun for hours. That was one of the few good memories I have. Jeff and Judith went off on their honeymoon, early evening, everybody left. I cleaned up after the big reception. And you know what happens on honeymoons? Overpriced buffets. Perhaps. Anyways, thank you so much for joining us on Was I in a Colt? Wait, wait, Tyler. That's really the end? Of this episode, yes. Of Joanne's story? No. And you listen to have to wait one whole minute to hear part two. Because we're not

jerks. We're not going to make you wait an entire week. Not this time anyways. But you do want to stick around and listen to the next episode. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tho, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. the. the. theananananuuuuuoooooooooooooooooooooooooome. te. tean. tean. tooooo. the. the. to stick around and listen to the next episode because her story gets rather crazy. You're not going to want to miss the second coming you guys or the first coming of the gratuitous sex scene that we added. Wow, let's not oversell this Tyler. Fine. Anyways, thank you for listening to episode one of was I in a call? Nobody's listening to you. They've moved on to episode two, haven't they? They're. They. Great. What you had for dinner last night. I had a lovely salmon. It was nice. Side of rice. What's on your bucket list? I would like to piss on the Eiffel Tower. Not the real one, the one in Vegas. What your son is up to these days? Definitely no one's listening now. No, they don't even know what I'm saying. I don't even know who you are. Fine, I'll t even even even I'll tak. I'll t t the t t the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their th. I'm th. I'm their their their their their their their their their their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm the the the the the their. I'm the their. I'm their. I'm the the the their. I'm the their. I'm th. I'm ti. I'm ti. I'm ti. I'm tip. I'm tipe. I'm tipe. I tipe. I tipe. I'm tipe. I tipe. I'm tipe. I'm tipe. I'm tipe what I'm saying. I don't even know who you are. Fine, I'll take it home. Thanks for listening to episode one of Was Iana Cult. I only gave you that line because no one's listening. Don't spare my life. Crucifar me.