Was I In A Cult? - Religious Texas Commune — Part 2: “The Least Beloved"

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

Tamara, the beloved, has just been upgraded from the commune to the big house on the hill with the leader and his multiple wives. But it isn’t long before she realizes that the reason she thought she was brought to live with them is not the reason she is there at all… __ Support us on Patreon! : https://www.patreon.com/wasiinacult Follow us on Instagram: @wasiinacult Have your own story and want to be on the show? Email us: [e-mail] Follow Tamara: https://tamaramc.com Twitter: @TamaraMCPhD Instagram: @tamaramcphd __ Today's episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit Betterhelp.com/INACULT for 10% off your first month. This episode is also sponsored by Babbel. Purchase a Babbel subscription and get six months for the price of three. Go to Babbel.com and use code INACULT for three free months.

Please note this episode contains highly sensitive material, including discussions of sexual assault, labor, and sex trafficking. Welcome to Was I Nicole. I'm Tyler Miesom. And I'm Liz Ayacuzzi. And today is the second half of Tomorrow's story. to tomorrow's story. to the second half I'm Tyler Miesem. And I'm Liz Ayakusy. And today is the second half of Tamara's story. If you haven't listened to part one of her story yet, guys. We do appreciate your utter disregard for sequential order. But you should go listen to that one first, and then come back.

We'll still be here, won't we, Tyler. Got nothing else to do. And for the rest of you, a little catch-up. Tomorrow was born to two Jewish parents. But when she was five, her father was successfully recruited into a different religion that quickly indoctrinated him into their world. A religion in which Tamara asked us to keep anonymous for her own safety. And perhaps ours? Before long, Tomorrowomorrow was living two lives, one with her father, now stepmother, and step-siblings at a compound in Texas with his newfound religious family.

And then during the school year, she lived a, quote, normal life, going to public school in Arizona where she lived with her mother. Years go by, living like this. Until one summer when she was 12 years old, she showed up on the compound in Texas and was told that she was that she was that she was that she was that she was that she was that she was that she was that she was that she was that she was that she was that she was that she was that she was that she was this. Until one summer when she was 12 years old, she showed up on the compound in Texas and was told that she was no longer going to be living with her siblings. Instead, it had been requested that she live with the leader and his multiple wives in their estate on a hill. And last episode, we left off right after her father knocked on the door of the leader's

house, and a woman answered. She was the leader's wife. She assured my dad she's in good hands. She's fine. And so my father was just so happy and he kind of gave me like his little side hug and said, said, you're going to be fine, have a good summer. And he closed the door and left, and I was alone in a new house with new people. And I didn't know what I was doing there. It was like lunchtime when I arrived. So they kind of gave me some nice food, I remember.

And it was much nicer than like, in the commune we had so little food and I was always hungry and so I just remember there's like the beautiful smell of like garlic and onions like sauteing in a pan and I just remember smelling the spices and like being really hungry and then like being able to eat and I was like oh this isn't too bad. Big House on the Hill, pseudo-British royalty, delicious food. Could tomorrow's Amy ability really be paying off? We were told that the first day you're a guest and like the second day you're no longer

a guest. And so I was told that and the next day I was no longer a guest and I was no longer going to ever be fed like that again or be treated like that again that was just kind of my one and done. The short answer Liz to your previous question is no no. It's a cult. What was I thinking? The next morning when I woke up, she got me up really early and handed me her baby. The baby's starting to cry. I'm in this playroom, but the playroom doesn't have any toys. So there's only like this like little futon on the ground and there's no toys,

there's nothing on the walls, it's just like a white room. I was then given the other three children, so I now had four children in a room by myself with no toys. And she just left and closed the door. The baby's crying, the kids are screaming. I don't know what the heck to do with four kids. And then lunchtime comes and she comes back and we like bring the kids to the table. And like I'm now supposed to feed the kids, so I'm like feeding the kids. And after lunch, she escorts me back to the room, closes the door, and leaves me again with

the four children, and comes back for the kids at dinner time. I was feeding the children alone. I was giving them baths alone. It was insane. That turned into my entire summer. The only reason I was brought to the hill was to watch her four children. I was not at all special. And as if taking care of four children that aren't your own wasn't enough.

We had like our own little community center on the hill and there were a few people like the leaders best friends who kind of came from his country that would go there. And so after I watched the baby in the night, I would have to go to the community center and I would have to start preparing food and preparing things to I watched the baby in the night, I would have to go to the community center and I would have to start preparing food and preparing things to like serve these people like before prayers and like after prayers. So I was like in the kitchen serving food. And so I was leaving there like at about 10 or 11 o'clock at night. And I then went back to my room.

So the second leader's wife had this beautiful house except for the playroom, like I said, that was totally empty. And then right next to the playroom was I think a converted shed, and that's where I was sleeping. There wasn't a bed, there was where I was sleeping. There wasn't a bed, there was just like a mattress on the floor and nothing else in the room. She was essentially the servant to the leader and his inner circle.

That's what you call labor trafficking guys. Pretty fucked up for anyone, especially a 12-year-old. And then one night, early that summer, she went to bed after a long, torturous day. By the time I got into bed at like 10 or 11 o'clock at night, I was so happy to finally be alone without babies and children and serving and all that and I just lie down and I had just closed my eyes and I had fallen asleep and then I heard a knock and I didn't know what to do but then like like within another few seconds, I heard the glass door open and somebody was standing there.

I didn't have a chance to say go away. I didn't have a chance to say anything. I had no control over this house and the doors and who came in and who came out. I didn't have control over my body when I was working, when I was sleeping, any aspect. And obviously my father wasn't around. I was completely alone. And when this person came into my room, I didn't know what they wanted. I didn't know why they were there. The person seemed quite jovial when they came in like, oh, hi, you know, I just came to

visit you. Like, I'm just here. It was a boy. He was just several years older than me. And I just sat there, completely confused, not even understanding what was happening. And eventually he left. But he then started coming into my room nightly. He then started bringing a girl who was exactly my age. She was living on the hill with her parents and I felt safer because she was there. But things pretty quickly changed. So they then told me one evening that we were going to

play a game and I wasn't familiar like with playing games or anything and they told me that this game was called truth or dare. And I didn't know what that meant anything, and they told me that this game was called Truth or Dare. And I didn't know what that meant, so they were giving me examples. And every time it would like turn to me, I would say truth, which was like fairly easy to do, because I had the most boring life ever, and there was nothing I was trying to hide at that point. And so we did that for a bit that for that for that for a that for that for a thiiiiiiii th. that for thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi. thi. thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the nothing I was trying to hide at that point. And so we did that for a bit of time. When she came back one night she's like, we changed the rules of the game. It's now called All Dare you Can Have No Truths. She said it was only a game between me and this person, this man. So she would dare the guy to do things to me.

They would start off very slowly, like, OK, put your hand on her leg. OK, show a part of your hair. And then the dares turned into him kissing me. And I didn't know what that meant. Up until that point, I had never wanted a boyfriend. I hadn't even thought about a boyfriend. I had never even thought about kissing a boy. Like, I didn't know what kissing was like.

I never saw like a man and woman like even hug each other. Like, so it wasn't anything that I was familiar with. And then within a certain amount of time, this guy was the only one that was coming into my room. And it was really soon after he said that he had to marry me. Yes, like actually marry her. So forced labor, forced sexual acts, and now forced marriage? He had crossed all these lines by doing all these things and began to feel guilty and was like the only way he could rectify this in the eyes of God is to marry me. I don't even know what marriage means.

My mom and dad didn't even have a marriage. Like, I don't even know what this entails. When I moved into the leader's second wife's house, she gave me a bunch of her dresses, and she was like a full woman who would add four children. So I was wearing these clothes and the sleeves were always so long. So as I did dishes, my sleeves were always soaking wet. When he came into my room and I was just wearing this outfit that was soaking wet and huge and I'm tired, I haven't eaten.

And now I'm being told that I'm going to marry him. And not only am I going to marry him, but I'm going to marry him to marry him to marry him to marry him to marry him to marry him to marry him to marry him to marry him to marry him to marry him that that that to marry him that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that'm being told that I'm going to marry him. And not only am I going to marry him, but I'm going to marry him that night, right then, right now. So he just told me to sit in front of him, and he said to repeat after him. And it was in a language I didn't understand and then after that he said we were married and nobody else was in the room there wasn't a single witness it was just me and him in the dark at at midnight, and me in wet clothes on my marriage day. I was 12 years old. For many of us, learning a second language in high school or college wasn't exactly a high point

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I use it and I've actually found it to be quite easy, and in fact, fun. My four-year-old son and I and I and I th-and I th-and I th-s th-s th-s th-s th-s-s, th-s, th-s, th-s, th-l-l-l-losts, th-lion-lion-lion, th-lis. th-lis. th-lis. th-li-lis. thease, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th-bsesesesesese. th-bue. th-lion. th-lion, th-lion, th-lion-lion-lion-l-l-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-s, teauu. teauu. teauaueauau. teauau. teau. theau. thea-old son and I do it together. I love that I can hop on Babel whenever I want and learn some Italian in short bursts or longer lessons, depending on what I have time for. Is it a number one or is it a number two? Start your new language learning journey today with Babel. Right now when you purchase a three month for free. that's a three month for the price of three. Just go to Babel.com and use promo code in a cult. That's BABBEL.com code in a cult.

I don't only use Babel when I'm on the toilet, just, you know. Yeah, I know. You read Vogue. I use it at other times. And, the time. And Hey, dear listeners, we know that many of you have your own cult stories. And alas, we can't tell everyone's story on this show, but perhaps we can tell a portion of it. So, if you have a good story of your time in a cult, we want to hear it. And we just might air it on the show. It can be the highlight reel or a favorite part of your personal story when you got in or more importantly when you got out. Or when you realized you were in a cult and

what you've done to overcome your cultic experience. It can be funny, shocking, sweet, heartbreaking or a plifting. A poem, a song, whatever. Think about it, write it down if you need to. And then record it. Go into a quiet room, use your iPhone mic or your computer mic or your Android mic or any of those mics and tell your story. We'll do some minor editing so don't worry about being too precious but please keep it around 10 to 15 minutes. And then send it our way email it drop box that we transfer Google Drive. And if you don't know what that is get your eight-year-old grants to help you. Send it to us at

info at was I in a cult dot com. Again that is info at was I in a cult dot com. We look forward to hearing to hearing. to hearing. to hearing. to to to to to to the to the the to the to the the the to the to to the to the the the the to the to the to the to to to to to to to to to to their their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their t. t. t. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. to te. te. t was I in a cult.com. We look forward to hearing your stories. And now, back to tomorrow. He continued to come to my room every night for the rest of the summer. So I was working all day, taking care of the children, and then every night I was with this stranger who I was suddenly married to. He always told me that this is our secret. We can't tell anybody this is our secret, and nobody can know about this.

The leader didn't know, the wife didn't, nobody, like, they never knew that this person was sneaking into my room at night. I didn't know my body. I just never once thought about a single one of my body parts. They were just there. But he would tell me, you're so beautiful. You're so beautiful. And so now all of a sudden, somebody's telling me I'm beautiful and now I'm getting attention

and by the end of the summer, I thought that I liked this person. At this point tomorrow might be developing what is commonly known as Stockholm syndrome. No that is not what you get after eating too many Swedish meatballs or the inevitable relationship tension that occurs in the aisles of an IKEA. The struggle is real. No, Stockholm Syndrome is a condition in which hostages develop a psychological bond with their captors. It was first coined in 1973 when two bank robbers in the lovely town of Stockholm, Sweden held four employees as hostages in a bank vault for six days. After the hostages

were released, they actually claimed that the police were the true enemies and they refused to testify in court against their captors. One even went so far as to raise money for their defense and another became family friends with one of the criminals. Stockholm syndrome can also be known as trauma bonding and is quite rare in hostage situations. It is however more common in victims of childhood sexual abuse, which can be understood as a survival technique for children who are forced into this situation. I was basically completely isolated from everyone and alone.

He would tell me like my responsibility as a wife. He was the only voice I had in my head about marriage and relationships and all of this. And he was so much more worldly than me. And he spoke multiple languages. He'd already been, lived on several continents, and he was super smart. I thought that everything he said was like God's word. The summer ends my dad picks me up at the at the leader's house. I wasn't happy to be going back to my mom because I now thought that I love this person and the only way I was going to live was going

to be with him. Like I had this person in my ear and he was warning me when I go back to my mother, like you can't have a boyfriend, you can't do this, you can't do that, you have to dress like this, you have to dress like that, you can't have to dress like that, you can't have friends, you can't have friends and he just put so many more restrictions on me that I was terrified of going to my mother's. My dad would always tell me that too and so would everybody in the community your mother's going to hell she's not a believer. I began to believe that my mom's lifestyle was wrong. And then I flew home back to Arizona. My mom picked me up at the airport, and I went back to our little house and I didn't say a word. I didn't tell her anything that happened,

nothing. Which is understandable. I mean, where would you even start? Like, hey honey, how was summer with dad? Well, I got married so what's for dinner? And back at school the minor stresses of eighth grade were nothing compared to living in the cult I couldn't concentrate on my studies. I couldn't concentrate on anything. All as I thought as I wanted to do was to be married. Like that was it. I went from not knowing the word marriage to suddenly that's all I wanted. I have to have this life with this person. I hope people are really starting to understand the complexities of manipulation and abuse. And then I found out the next time I came back for summer that the leader and all of his wives they all had left America. And then I was returning to the compound.

When they left, I really missed the children. I have tears in my eyes now and probably gonna cry because I loved him so much. Like I knew them better than their mother knew them. Their mother didn't even know those kids like I knew those children so that was my biggest heartbreak. And what about her abuser, aka her quote, husband? She learned he too had fled with the leader and was now living out of the country. And remember, this was the wealthy leader. And when he left, so too did his money.

He didn't continue to support the community, and so everything just started falling apart. We had so little food at that point. The conditions just got worse and worse and worse. And like in Texas, it's really hot, and there was no AC in any of the rooms. We had one washing machine for everybody. When we finally did wash our clothes, we'd hang them up. But in Texas it's always humid and wet so our clothes were always moldy. And I was now living on the compound alone with my sister again and I was 13 turning 14

at that point. And so the new leader, he would beat the children horribly, horribly, horribly, horribly. Just the worst abuse you can imagine was happening. And my sister was at the brunt of a lot of it. And my way of surviving was just keeping my mouth shut and doing what I was told. So this went on until I was 16. I was going back and forth between my mom and my dad. Her husband, slash abuser, was traveling from country to country, likely at the behest of the leader, where he was slowly rising the ranks of their religion.

But occasionally he would stop by Texas for a brief visit. He came back to America a couple of times, so I did see him. But for the most part, a relationship was through letters and then phone calls. I was just trying to think, how can I get back to my husband, like, how can this work? I had been begging my mom up until the time I was 12 that I could live with my father full time and she kept saying, no, no, no, no, no, your dad is an occult. Your dad is an occult. And I would just support my dad and say, no, he's not. Finally, she said, you can live with your father after you graduate high school.

I came up with a plan that I was going to graduate high school early. So my junior year was insane. I was like going to the community college and taking English classes and then taking other classes. And her plan worked. I graduated high school and I was 16. And she really had no say of me at that point. And I always worked when I lived with my mom, I was house cleaning and I always had a job

and I was always saving money and so I think I had saved up $3,000 and I bought a Nissan Sentra. And so the day after I graduated high school, I filled up that Nissan Sentra with whatever I could. And the next day I drove to Texas all by myself. My husband at the time was not living in America then, but I was just waiting for us to live together. And then, when I was 17, for us to live together. And then when I was 17, I ended up flying to England to live with the leader. I began living with the leader and his wives and the children and the second wife now had two new babies. And so they brought me there specifically to take care of those little two.

And so I came and then I did the exact same thing over two years. I was fully responsible for the kitchen and the meals, and all of the dishwashing and all of the cooking. There were 10 kids, and they also had lots of visitors. So I always had to prepare lunch. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to the to to to to the the to to to the to to their to to to the to tho. tho. thoes the the to thoes thoes those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to the to to to to too....... too. tooe. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. tooe. tooe. tooe.. tooe. too... the hing and all of the cooking. There were 10 kids and they also had lots of visitors. So I always had to prepare lunch, a huge lunch. It would take me four or five hours to cook it. I had to put out like their special silverware

and their special like China and serve the whole family. I'd have to refill their water, whatever it was that they needed. I would have to do all the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes all the dishes all the dishes all the dishes all the dishes all the dishes all the dishes all the dishes all the dishes all the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes the dishes their to the whole family. I'd have to refill their water, whatever it was that they needed. I would have to do all the dishes completely by myself. Nobody even picked up a dish and brought it into the kitchen. Non-consensual indentured servitude. And even in England, she was still separated from her husband. We had like this communication where we had always written letters.

He always wrote me. Then when I got to England after a while, I was writing him letters, but he stopped responding. And I started getting really worried. I would talk to my husband on the phone and he wouldn't tell me what was wrong, but I could tell something was wrong. So we finally came to England. And once again, he wooed her with his romantic charm. He said, I married another woman.

And she was living in America, and he said that he had fallen in love, and that he's going to be married to us both. And I'm in a polygamous marriage and that's it. And that is truly when my world felt like it fell apart. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. You know, when you listen to these amazing cult survivor stories on our show, you're only hearing the shortened version of these interviews. What you guys may not realize is that when we conduct the full interview, they can often last over four hours.

And many of our guests at the end say that they felt like it was a great therapy session. But we are not therapists. No, no, no, no, no, we're we no, we're th. We're th. We're th. We are th. We are th. th. th. th. th. th. th. we are not therapists. No, no, no, no, we're just humble podcast hosts. Amazingly humble podcast hosts. But you don't have to have been in a cult to understand the healing power of talking through issues with someone. That's right. If you really want to work through your issues, guys, the healthiest way to do it is with a licensed therapist and not me, Tyler, or a cult leader. that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. the. the, the, the, the, the, the, but the, but the, but the, but the, but the, but the, but thii. But, thi. But, thi. But, thi. But, thi. But, thi. But, thi. But, thi. But, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. thea. ta. teateateateateauu. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau. But, or a cult leader. That's for sure. So if you are thinking about doing therapy, it's never been easier than with Better Help.

Better Help is entirely online, and it's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. You simply fill out a brief questionnaire, and you get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit for whatever reason, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Liz and I have both benefited from seeing therapists, me more than her of course, naturally, and we encourage you to try it as well with better help. Discover your potential with better help.

Visit Better Help.com slash inault today to get 10 percent off your first month. That's better help. H-E-L-P.com slash an occult. So tomorrow. She was finally reunited with her abuser after all these years. When he told her, he's married to someone else, and they are now going to live happily ever after in a polygamous marriage. Her world, as she knew it, was broken. Everything that I'd worked so hard for working in the leader's house, being what I thought was a good wife to him,

just making sure that I left my mother, I left high school, I didn't have friends, I didn't have boyfriends, I didn't like my whole life I had organized around being with him and now there's like nothing at the end of this room, like there's nothing for me to look forward to at this point. I've never been loved by anybody but him. I've I've really don't know anything other than him. Like, he's who I learned to depend on, not that he gave me anything. He didn't pay my bills, he didn't. We didn't live together. There was absolutely nothing that I depended on him for.

I did everything by myself. But I thought that that he was all I had. And I just spent months begging him, please, please leave this other person. Please, please leave her. And every single time he would just say stone cold, no, I love her and I won't leave her. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to turn. I kind of cut off all my ties. I couldn't return to my father. My mother, I had so many problems with because I was like trying to run away from her and to go live with my father. So it's like I just didn't know where I belonged anymore.

And I couldn't be in England anymore because he was there and it was so painful. But she was still living in England with the leader, his wives, and their ten children. And then during that time my grandmother was with a man for many years and I called him my grandfather and he died. So I told the leader and his wife that my grandfather had died and I needed to go back to Arizona. She told the leader's family that she would come back after a few months. But I told my husband at the time like the day before I went to the airport like he was there and I just was like,'m leaving I can't do this and it was the hardest thing

I ever said because I didn't I didn't have like for me to get to that point and to have that strength like I could have withstood like all the dishes I could have withstood all the cleaning like all of that. But to withstand me being broken from this person who was the only person in my world that I thought, that was the hardest thing I had ever done and one of the hardest things I probably ever done. And that was it with us. And so what do you do now? You've been married to a man from age 12 to age 20.

And the life you thought you were working toward and waiting for comes crumbling down. So I flew back to America. I had to support myself and so I started waitressing. I was living with my mom. I never told her my story. She was really happy that I was home. She didn't know why I had left. I just told her I was back to see my grandmother so she didn't really know what I was doing. I didn't know what I was doing. She was still young though. So not all was lost for her.

I found that there was a class in university that I was really interested in. I had never the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the- the- the- the- the- the- that she was really happy that she was really happy that she was really happy that she was really really really really really really really really really really that she was still that she was still th that she was still th th th th th th th th the th. She the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee that she was the I found that there was a class in university that I was really interested in. I had never planned to go to university, but I enrolled in this one class and then that one class snowballed into me taking many classes in university, and that then became like the love of my life, like education. So I just kept enrolling in more courses, and before before I knew it I was taking 27 units a semester. Like other people are taking like 12 units. That would even be hard. And I was taking like 27 and like no problem. Like I have the emotional and physical capacity to kind of withstand almost anything. So I just started writing all of these papers and one of my first research

papers I ever wrote in college was about cults. I just went through and I was like check, check, check. That's me. Where I grew up had every single characteristic of a cult. I don't think it missed one of them. Like there's not even one I could say, nope, we didn't have that. I then just started researching and researching like child marriage. I didn't even know the word. Like, I knew I was married to 12,

but I didn't know the word. I didn't know what the word forced marriage was. I was like, oh wait, I was a child domestic servant. Oh, okay, I was human trafficked. I was human traffic for labor and I was sex trafficked as well. So it's like, it just like grew and grew and I was like, oh, wow. It's just kind of like when I did the checklist with the cult. I was like, yep, that's me doing, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the........ the. the. the. the. the. thea. thea. thea. thea. the. the. the. click click click so that was shocking to me to actually have a word to say what I was because I would never have called myself that three years ago ever so so

so that so that was my journey and I graduated from college in three years so I went from basically having no. And I graduated from college in three years. So I went from basically having no education to graduated from college, like 120 units in three years. And soon she met someone, her own age. He was in university and he saw me at a party and I was speaking fluently in this language and he's like, who are you? He was just totally like an awe of me.

We did get married very quickly. This time, consensual, legit, age-appropriate marriage. Then I became pregnant and I had my two children and for the next, you know, and while they were growing up for quite a few years, you know, I stayed home with my children because that was the most important thing. I took them to school every day. I picked them up.

I brought them to all of their sports activities. They had the exact opposite life of me. I then went on to get a master's degree, and I started a PhD as well. And then one day, after many years of being together, my husband basically said that he wanted a divorce kind of out of the blue, which of course it's neither really out of the blue, but it was again shocking kind of like the time when my first husband told me that. And so he pretty much left. And I had to start at Ground Zero, A again.

I mean I didn't have money. I had to finish my PhD. I had to be a single mom to these kids. But given everything she endured in her life to this point, the resilient tomorrow was up to the challenge. the resilient tomorrow was up to the challenge. And she rebuilt her life. Here I am, like 47 I think, was like where it was like, okay, I got my first place three years ago, my little tiny home that I bought.

And it's super, but it's mine. It's like nobody can take this away. And there's no men involved and my boys are really successful and they live in my town and so we're very close. And slowly she started to put her experience into words. I spent the whole year for the first time telling my story from the beginning until the end. And at the end of the year, I had close to 400,000 words, which is the equivalent of four novels. And I think that that was the most healing of everything. Out of everything that happened in my life, I just looked at my words at the end of the day

and I was like, oh my god, that was my life? I was in a cult, like, what? I was married? Wait, wait, I was married, wait, how old was I? I was 12? Wait, how old was I? I was 12? No. I can look back at my past and in every situation I was in, I was trapped. There was nothing I could do. And there are many women in domestic violence situations who are trapped. There are so many people

around the world that don't feel that they have another option because of money, because of resources, whatever reason for threat of their life, which is fine. Like you don't have to leave immediately, like there is so much preparation that has to happen and it doesn't mean that we're weak in any way. It just means that the time has to be right and certain things things things things things things things things things thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the the the the the they they the the the the theeeee theeeeeee the the the the the to happen and it doesn't mean that we're weak in any way it just means that the time has to be right and certain things have to be in place before we can leave but just keep that to yourself keep that secret to yourself come up with an exit plan take those tiny tiny steps to leave whatever that is and one day you're going to escape. And you're going to get out.

And you're going to start a whole new life that is yours and yours alone. It's all yours. I always feel very purposeful in my life. It goes back to my grandmother. Like my grandmother survived the Holocaust and I know that my life is a miracle. I've always known that. Like I'm so happy to be living. I love living. I am here and I am so happy and I just want to experience everything that I can. Wow. What a story, what a tale. And as for the cult? The cult doesn't exist in the way that

it existed in any way. Everybody fled the country. Our community was always on the run for some reason. For some reason. Hmm. And what about her father? My dad is still with my stepmom. And what about her favorite rebellious stepsister? My stepsister escaped when she was 14 or 15. She ran away. And she's doing great. And as for Tomorrow's mother, she

still doesn't know what happened to her daughter all those summer and winter holidays when she went to spend time with her dad. One day everybody will know, but it's not today. I don't know what day that'll be, but I'm not looking forward to any of those conversations. Unless, of course, her mother happens to listen to cult podcasts. And eventually, Tamara edited down her 400,000 words from four novels to one. I'm revising right now, and then I'll look for a publisher, and then hopefully I'll bring my memoir into the world. I'm revising right now and then I'll look for a publisher and then hopefully I'll bring my memoir into the world.

That's my goal. I just want to continue to share my story. As you should tomorrow, congratulations on finishing your book. We cannot wait to read it. Folks don't miss next week's episode when we hear from a badass woman who investigates cases on behalf of cult survivors who have been sexually abused or assaulted. And she brings litigation on their cult survivors who have been sexually abused or assaulted within their cult. And she brings litigation on their behalf. And what we do is we listen to people's stories.

The first thing is that we believe people because nobody does this for fun, Liz. You know, nobody makes these things up. What we're doing is we are listening. And then we are going back and with our team, we are thinking about, is there a way? Is there a path to a legal accountability through a lawsuit? She's like the Wonder Woman of Colts. Yes, but instead of a cape, she has a briefcase full of documents. Wonder Woman doesn't

have a cape. Oh you're right, I'm sorry, what does she have? She has the The Lasso. The truth lasso. Lassow of truth, which would be very helpful in cultic investigations. Actually that is the one tool that we do need when dealing with sociopaths and rapists. Don't forget that. Always end a podcast with the word rapist, I found. Really keep them coming back for more. You know, we really get the audience coming back after. drop the R the R bomb. Thanks for listening everyone don't forget to record your 10-minute cult stories and send them to us at

info at was Ina Colt.com and we want to throw a special thanks to one of our Patreon subscribers Belinda Cook Belinda is a certified counselor and founder of Free to Grieve where she champions people through their grief journey and trains people on suicide prevention. A noble cause, Belinda. And was I an occult? This show that you just listened to was written, produced by that girl Liz Aykuzzi. And that dude, Tyler Mason.

Who me? It was produced and edited by Kristen Vermilia. It was also sound designed and mixed by Rob Parra. Thanks Rob for your extra work and it was additional editing by Emily Carr. Take out your night. Purify me. Don't spare my life. Crucify me. Go ahead and say your final word. I know you want to.

This is the end. Or is it? Go ahead and say your final word. I know you want to. This is the end. Or is it? Is it? Seriously. It is. This is actually the end.