Was I In A Cult? - Santa is My Cult Leader: “He Sees Everything”

Episode Date: December 16, 2024

Today we’re joined by Finrod Jellybottoms, a chosen elf who escaped Santa’s magical workshop. Beneath the candy-striped facade lies a grueling cultic system of manipulation, free labor, and fear-based loyalty. Finrod shares his harrowing journey from a hopeful young elf in Frost Hollow to years of exploitation under Santa’s rule, uncovering the dark truths behind the “joy” of Christmas and the infamous Elf on a Shelf. We are glad Finrod got out and is able to remind us about the true meaning of Christmas…  Happy holidays everyone! Thank you for your continued support. We’ll be back JAN 13th 2025!!! Until then, stay safe and out of cults!  _______ We love our sponsor VIIA Hemp. Try VIIA today! www.viiahemp.com and use code INACULT! ________ Follow us on Instagram/TikTok/FB: @wasiinacult  Have your own story? Email us: [e-mail] Please support Was I In A Cult? Through Patreon (we appreciate the hell out of you guys): https://www.patreon.com/wasiinacult  Merch is here! www.wasiinacult.com 

This episode contains discussions of sensitive topics such as the holidays and the big C word. And she's not talking about cults. You know, it has been a journey, but I think I'm ready to talk about it. So honestly, especially at this time of year, being close to what season I'm talking about. You mean Christmas? I don't love to say that word. I don't have to, but I'm talking about. You mean Christmas? I don't love to say that word. You don't have to, but... I'm sorry.

That's okay. So, there's ex-members like myself, and usually when they leave, they just go off and they have no support in the real world. They're forever traumatized, and honestly, especially this time of year being close to what season I'm talking about, I see so many depictions of us in the media. No one wants to believe us because everyone loves Santa. It's, you know, the best time of the year. Welcome to WozIna-Cult! I'm Tyler Meesom. You know, we say this a lot. It's nice to put a new spin on things, Liz.

Welcome to Wazayana Colta. I'm Liz Yakutzy. Actually, it'd be Liz Yakutzy. Jakuzzi with an I, they call me. Or I have to say that to every telemarketer that I've ever called. Why are you calling telemarketers? They're supposed to call you. You got that all mixed up, Liz.

She's very lonely. I mean, I'm not calling. And today is a very special episode because it's the very last episode of this 2024 year. Which is hard to believe, guys. We made it a year with putting out an episode every week. Every bloody week, which was very hard for us. It was not easy. This show may seem easily slapped together with some fart jokes and some dumb facts, but the truth is we care way too much about this show.

Yeah, so much so that it's been quite a journey and it still keeps going because the truth is well, we do love making it. We love telling these stories. We love doing our part to spread cultic awareness and fart jokes. So before, Rob, you're just sitting there silent. I feel like you want to say something. I don't really comment on fart jokes. It's a little beneath me. It's kind of juvenile.

Yeah, I don't either. I don't. It's not my... Oh, mmm. My comedy is much more highbrow. on fart jokes, it's a little beneath me. It's kind of juvenile. Yeah, I don't either. It's not my... My comedy is much more high brow. All of a sudden, Rob has standards. You work for this show, Rob. I don't think your standards are very high.

So before we dive into today's episode, everyone, we just, speaking of Rob, wanted to take a moment to thank you, Rob, for whom with we wouldn't doubt have thy own show. Am I right? Is that right, English, Tyler? I get to edit that. Our New Year's resolution is to not have you working on weekends, my friend.

Yeah, nor us either. Now you're getting greedy, Tyler. Now you're getting greedy. Yeah. Now you're getting greedy. Yeah, well, that's me. OK, so today's wonderful episode. Wait, hold on. We have a few more things to announce before we get to that. OK, with the intro of 2025, guess what? Our show is getting a facelift.

Do you bet it's not me, but it is our show. We have completely rebranded and we will be rolling that out in the new year. So that said, all of our current branding will go away forever. Yeah, so if you are someone who really has an affinity for our current logo, look, now's the last chance to get any merch with that logo because who knows, one day it might be a collector's item, like the famous Billy Ripken fuckface baseball card. I'm not going to explain it.

Look it up. It's quite interesting. So if you do want to get on that, visit our website. It's www.wasainicult.com. Follow the link to merch. And we do have some more fun giveaways and announcements, so please stick around to the end of the episode because I don't want to get to today's story. Shall we?

Let's. Okay, so we are very excited about this one. This particular individual came to us first. He did. Both People and Us Weekly and the New York Times tried to get him to scoop his story, but he wanted to do an exclusive with us at WozInaCult. Now, without getting too deep into it, this leader might be the most popular leader of all time.

So with that tease, let's welcome today's tiny, albeit force of nature guest. My birth name is Finra Jellybottoms and I grew up in Frost Hollow. I don't know how many humans have heard of it, but it's this tiny little elf sediment up in the deep northern woods. I grew up in a small tree house. I'm sorry. There were seven kids, I was in the middle, so it was super cramped, but my parents did their best.

You know, there's this ingrained things for elves, the idea that you exist to serve. And I was the middle child, kind of got lost in the mix. I had siblings who were painting nutcrackers, making cookies, but growing up, I was an uncanny widler. What's that? Oh, a widler? I guess you'd call it carving.

It's like making things up. Oh, like a widler. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we widdle things, yeah. So I was always off in the corner. It's like making things up. Oh, like a widdler. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you would widdle things, yeah. So I was always off in the corner, carving away little scraps of wood. I'd spend hours with a twig and my little knife, just making it into anything, you know, an animal, snowflake, tiny sled.

But being an elf from Frost Hollow, well, your whole life is pretty much planned out for you. You're either like a shoemaker or a tree whisperer, or, you know, you go to work for the man at Keebler like my parents, but there was always this other path, the special chosen elves, they get to go to the big leagues up at the pole. So that was the dream.

You know, no one ever really thinks they'll make it, but if you can, you gotta go to Santa's workshop. But it was more of a pipe dream because... Most of the elves from Frosthound never make it out. So after my 25th elf year of high school, but that's, we have a whole different structure and construct around time, but it was time for me to get a real job.

I just immediately started working for my parents, working at a Keebler factory, just kind of painting fudge stripes on cookies. Oh, those little Keebler elves make uncommonly good cookies. They do it magically in a hollow tree. I didn't mind it, I had a good community, but I did feel like this can't be my life,

packing cookies here, sweeping up crumbs, clocking in day after day with no purpose. So I wanted something more and I missed whittling. And then this serendipity took over. Right there at the frosting lounge there was a flyer and it said, are you looking for a life of magic and meaning? The workshop awaits. And I had this picture of Santa smiling with his big red suit, surrounded by happy elves making toys. And at the bottom it said, only the most gifted need apply. And I was like, this is maybe my one shot.

Oh, is a goddamn flyer. Don't trust a flyer, guys. You know, of course, this particular flyer, the pitch was glorious. So the workshop is sold to us as this utopia. It's like the ultimate destiny for only the special and most magical elves. And I was ready to leave everything behind for something like that.

So he decided to check it out. Yeah, I mean, check it out. Totally harmless, right? Right? Right? Right? Right. Correct.

Next day, I went to the address on the flyer. Wasn't anything fancy, just a little office in the back of an old candy shop. But when I walked in, there was this elf sitting behind the desk and he looked sharp and confident. It was kind of cute. And when he saw me, he just smiled and looked at me and said, we've been waiting for you, Finrod. And there's I mean, Finrod is the most popular elf name, so, you know, statistically, it

was like a very reasonable guess. But but he knew. I mean, probably a red flag, but you know, hey. And he looked at me right in the eyes and he said, let me guess, you're looking for purpose, not just a paycheck. And I just burst into tears. I felt like I'd finally found my path.

And it turns out that he knew his name for a reason. Santa actually does have recruiters looking for those best fit to his mission. And I think they knew about me, word had spread in the elf community about my whittling skills from a young age. This recruiter started asking me all the questions about my work and my carving, what I want out of life.

And before I knew it, I was spilling everything, how I felt stuck and I wanted to make something meaningful, how much I missed whittling. And then he said something I'll never forget. The workshop doesn't just need elves who can make toys. It needs elves who can make magic. And he was like, everything I want it. I want to qualify, make it clear.

He said, it's not for everyone. Only the most dedicated elves can thrive there. Are you willing to do what it takes? Yeah, of course. I'm like, oh yeah, I can do it. If anyone can do it, I can do it. Ah, yes, the manipulated challenge. Cult leaders love that. And it was like my one chance to break free and actually do something meaningful with my life.

But before Finrod left, the recruiter elf had but one more challenge to see if Finrod was fit for the North Pole. He handed me a large branch, gnarled and rough, like it had just been snapped off a tree, and he said, show me what you can do with this. So I went to work and I made one of my classics, a snowman with tiny movable arms that actually could throw real snowballs when you cranked the carrot nose.

He sort of smiled, but not in a warm way, and he said, impressive, you're ready for the next step. He gave me an address and told me to show up the next night. He told me I couldn't tell anyone. The workshop values discretion. That should have been my first red flag, but at the time it just made it feel more exclusive, you know, like I was part of some secret elite group.

When I got there, it wasn't like anything I expected. It wasn't some grand workshop or magical portal to the pole. It was this dark, run-down lodge at the outskirts of the forest. There were ten of us. All of us were nervous, clutching these little carvings or creations we've been told to bring. The recruiter, his name is Alfred, stood up at the front of the room and he started talking about how joining the workshop wasn't just a job, it was a calling. They talked about how Santa was more than just a leader. He was a visionary who brought magic and joy to the world. And if we wanted to be a part

of that, we'd have to leave behind our old lives, commit fully to the cause and embrace the way of the workshop. They said, Santa has room only for nine magic elves, but there are 10 of us here, so one of you will not make it. And then I find out later that was all a lie. The 10th elf was just a plant to get us to fall in line, whatever. So what were these 10 elves doing there? I mean, they were making toys up in this big arch. Shh. Shh.

Let's... Tyler, I think you stole my line. You know what? You can have it back. I didn't really deliver it as well as I thought I would. No, keep it. Print it, Rob. Nope.

They had each of us a heavy, unshaped log and told us we all have to carve Santa. I'd never carved Santa before. And like, what if I make his ears too small or his belly too big? I don't wanna offend him, but that was the job. So I stayed up all night, hands blistered, and by the time the sun came up,

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So the next morning, Alfred assembled his 10 aspiring toy makers. He went around inspecting everyone's work straight faced and then read the list of the elves that made it. And my name was on that list. All nine of us hooted and hollered. We felt like the luckiest elves in the world. You've been selected for this incredible thing. They told us that the children of the world depended upon us because we were the only ones that could do this work.

And if we didn't do it, Christmas would be over. Then we were just immediately told to pack our things and leave Frost Hollow. I quickly packed one tiny suitcase, said goodbye to my family. I told them where I was going, but they were sworn to secrecy, never allowed to tell anyone else that I was going to Santa's workshop.

But now we needed to get to the North Pole. You know, which isn't an easy task because the North Pole is located in the Arctic Ocean at 90 degrees north latitude, where the Earth's axis of rotation meets the surface. It's also known as the Geographic North Pole or True North. It's a good name for a cult. The True Northers. True North? True North.

Yeah, it is actually. It is. Yeah, it is. Of course, there's also the Magnetic North Pole. It's a wandering pole that attracts the needles on compasses and its location changes about 30 feet over the course of 433 days. Wow.

I mean, you've just got everybody on the edge of their bicycle seat right now, Tyler. It's really good. There's more, Liz. More? Go. Please. The North Pole is covered by drifting pack ice and it experiences six months of total darkness and then six months of complete sunlight each year.

Roald Amundsen in 1926 led the first undisputed expedition to reach the North Pole. But of course, the journey for elves is quite different. So you take the Crimson Clouseway, which is normally closed off to the public, and only those associated with Santa even know it exists. It's cold, it's weird, it's creepy, it's quiet. But then you arrive to the North Pole and it's magic. And the workshop itself was stunning. Massive candy-striped pillars, roofs glittering with frost,

and chimneys puffing out clouds of peppermint. It's exactly as you would imagine. Is that what you imagine, Tyler? Yeah, in my sugar plum fairy dreams do I picture it as such. Walking through those gates, it felt like stepping into a dream. Everything was bright and colorful

and the other elves were, I don't know how to describe it, euphoric maybe, they were so cheerful. And it seems like, oh, if they're happy, I'm going to get there. They love on you and they've heard of my work. You're the best whittler in your family. We're so happy you're here. They hug you. They say, welcome to the family. You're going to love it here. It felt amazing. It felt like the most magical place on earth. They gave me a room in the dormitory. First year elves are all put in the same dorm.

You have to work your way up to the gingerbread houses where the elder elves live. They give you these green shiny suits and sparkly red boots with jingle bells on them and meals were served in the Grand Hall where every dish was sweet and festive. When I joined I was Finra Jelly Bottoms, but once you get to the shop, you're given a new name. Jingles, jangles, wreath, gingerbread, candy cane, sleigh, chimney. And so what was your name? It was Eggnog. Eggnog.

Eggnog? Santa would just be looking around when you got to the factory and whatever he kind of saw first, that was your name. He looked at Mrs. Claus, he goes, Eggnog? She goes, Eggnog. And I was Eggnog. Santa thought birth names divided us, but Christmas names united us. The work at first, it was nice.

I mean, it was fun even. They start you off easy. You know, you're carving little wooden toys or painting rocking horses, things like that. Everyone worked together in these big, colorful assembly lines, singing carols and cracking jokes. Oh, Christmas carols. They come around each year. Let me guess, you love them. They plague my eardrums, Liz. I just don't really care for Christmas music and I love music. You're such a scrooge, Tyler. I am. I just find them saccharine and cheesy.

Oh, you had to use saccharine and cheesy. Look, I like Christmas carols around Christmas, right? Like a few days before, on Christmas. But when they start in October, play on a loop, I get a little weary. No, but that's the golden rule. You can't play Christmas music in October. You're allowed to play Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving. That is the rule. If you played earlier, you're fired. OK, so there are many, many, many Christmas songs out there. And just to give you an idea, let's compare it to other music.

What do you think is the most common, most prevalent word in all lyrics, in all music? Um... Come on, don't think too hard. What is most songs written about? Love. Love. Love is the number one most prevalent word in all of music. It's followed by man, oddly enough, and day, way, time, night, and good. Baby, which I thought would be higher, comes in at number 14. And the lyric Christmas, and this is where the Christmas music comes in just to show you how prevalent and

popular Christmas music is. The word Christmas is at number 18 in all of music. My soccer jersey number, waddup? So according to Blocker, this is an entity that charts music rights. There are 9,274 songs about Christmas. Whoa. Now, of course, yeah, that's a lot. That is a lot. Of course, there are only really about 80 or so that get the regular rotation.

White Christmas by Bing Crosby is the best selling Christmas single in the United States, but more than that, it is the best selling single of all time, of all music. No way. Yep. It's estimated that it has made Irving Berlin, the writer, over 30 million dollars. Damn! You know who doesn't hate Christmas music, Tyler? That guy. Yeah, Irving.

He's dreaming of a wealthy mansion in Malibu Christmas. OK, so enough of that interesting stuff. I hope you all gleaned something terrible from it. You know what the second one is? It's Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Oh, and who wrote that? A guy named Marks, I think? Steven Marks?

He wrote a number of... I could be wrong. I know it's Marks, but... Editor's Note. It's actually Johnny Marks, who also wrote, I don't want a lot for Christmas, rocking around the Christmas tree, holly jolly Christmas, and I heard the bells on Christmas Day among others. He's still making 800,000 a year from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, or roughly a little

less than I make on this podcast. Wouldn't that be funny if he was a Jehovah's Witness? It's actually a great story around Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. And one day I'll go into it, but it shan't be today. Too bad, because this is the only day where that would be appropriate. Come back around February. Back to the episode. So as for Finrod or Eggnog, as he is now known, or...

Why is that funny? That's his name. All right, so back to the episode, right? So as for Finrod or Eggnog, as he is known, this started to feel a bit odd, as they always do in cults. What is so funny? Poor Eggnog. This is a serious story, Liz.

Yeah, Liz. This man's pouring out his heart and you're over there laughing. Sorry. Cults are nothing to joke about. It felt like being a part of a big family. And at first, I thought this happiness was contagious. But over time, you just start to notice things, you know? Like how no one ever stopped smiling, not even for a second. And they'd all repeat the same phrases, like,

Santa knows best! Or, we're here to serve the magic! And you had to be joyful all the time. Santa sees, Santa knows, we exist to spread his glow. He convinced us that our lives only had meaning if we were serving him. So Eggnog was at the North Pole where Mr. Claus was the overseer. But of course, there wouldn't be a Mr. Claus without a jolly Mrs. Claus, am I right? Mrs. Claus in the hoes! Mrs. Claus in the house! Mrs. Claus wasn't just his partner, she was basically his first follower. She was there before the workshop, before the reindeer, before the whole Christmas empire.

Over decades of manipulation, he took her spirit, her identity, and replaced it with his vision of who she should be. You see, as the story goes, Mrs. Claus wasn't always Mrs. Claus. Once, she was Eleanor Frost, born into a family of renowned ice sculptors. Her sculptures didn't just dazzle the eye, they captured the soul. When she met Nicholas Kringle, his legal name, he wasn't Santa Claus. He was a charming and ambitious guy just full of big ideas about changing the world, like every dictator and cult leader, but he wasn't Santa yet. He was just like a toy maker with big ideas.

He saw in Eleanor something he lacked. Magic. And he needed her. He told her, together we can make Christmas a feeling the whole world shares. And she believed him. She believed in him. Eleanor brought more than talent to the dream. They were her ideas that shaped what Christmas became. Her love for creating wasn't

about recognition, it was about connection. But Nicholas wasn't the same. He wanted to be the name and face of Christmas, to embody joy and generosity. Not because he felt them, but because he craved admiration. And slowly, Eleanor's contributions were swallowed by his persona. Her name reduced to Mrs. Claus, a title that made her sound like an afterthought. And she played the role perfectly, smiling, doting, always supportive, but there was a sadness in her eyes that never went away. She was just as trapped as we were, maybe even more so, because she really doesn't have a way out. Even now, in the quiet of the workshop at night, she sometimes carves small, intricate figures from scraps of ice, things no one will see.

Nicholas wanted to do the story of Christmas, but Eleanor was Christmas. And we will be right back. You know, sometimes I have to just kind of stop, look around and be amazed at how far we've come as a society. Technology, science, medicine, space travel and gummies delivered right to your freaking door. Yes, it's a wonderful time to be alive. And it can be even more wonderful with VIA hemp. Now, if you've listened to our show, guys, you've obviously heard us extol the virtues of VIA. You guys, this stuff is great.

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Learned a ton. So while others, they might give the gift of sweaters, me, I'm giving subscriptions to Master Class. Because he's tired of people being dumbasses. Yeah, you just might find a subscription in your stocking, Liz. Ooh, burn! Mm-hmm, you know, 88% of members feel that Master Class made a positive impact on their lives. Unlike you do on mine. With Master Class, your loved ones can learn from the best to become their best.

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Sometimes up to as much as 50% off. So head over to masterclass.com slash in a cult for their current offer. That's up to 50% off at masterclass.com slash in a cult. Masterclass.com slash in a cult. So Eggnog at this point is starting to realize that the magical utopia he signed up for, well, all may not appear as it seems.

The one that got me the most was, Santa sees everything. It was everywhere, painted on the walls, stitched into the blankets, even carved in the desks at the workshop. And at first I thought, it was just like a cute reminder, it's like, be good for goodness sake. But it wasn't.

Because he literally was watching all the time. He knew if you were naughty and he knew if you were nice and naughty was not allowed at the workshop. Naughty was not allowed at the workshop. Naughty elves, um, sorry. No, no, take your time. Can we just take a break for a second? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. Okay, that's okay.

Should I get some water? Yeah, okay, I'll do that. Hot cocoa or, I don't know. No, we don't really, that's not real. Okay, thank you. The Naughty elves, they get the shelf. What does that mean? There was this elf this one time, his name was Jingles.

He'd been there something like 700 elf years and he wasn't actually very good at making toys. You know, I know what he was doing. His rocking chairs never rocked, his dolls looked like they were auditioning for Chucky the musical. And Santa loved to humiliate him whenever he could. One day, Santa was mid rant roasting Jingles for he had tried to make like a hot wheel and it looked like an ice cream truck. And he said, honestly, Jingles, you couldn't assemble a toy if I glued your hands together myself.

Which honestly doesn't make sense anyway, because no one could make a toy if their hands were glued together. He's not a very good roaster. And then Jingles, out of nowhere, just snapped. Like a candy cane under a reindeer hoof. He slammed his hammer down so hard, it cracked the workbench. I'll never forget how loud the noise was.

And then in the middle of the workshop, with the conveyor belts grinding and the carols blasting over the loudspeakers, Jingles turned to Santa and said, that's enough Claus. The whole room went silent. Then Santa's eyes go wide. And he says, what did you just say? But Jingles was already in full rage mode. He said, that's enough. You're full of rotten fudge Claus. The workshop isn't about kids or the magic of joy or Christmas, it's about you. And another thing, Claus, the rumors are true. Santa doesn't exist.

Oh, yeah, he went there. It's like the golden rule of living at the North Pole. Santa is real, Christmas is real. There are so many Santa deniers in the world and we were there to combat that. Yes, indeed. This is a true fact. There are many out there who don't believe in Santa. Tyler, you really are a scrooge.

You know, you're just ruining Santa for all of our listeners. Yeah, I think Finrod, Eggnog, or whatever his name is, is way ahead of me on that one, Liz. Touche. OK, so a site called Today's Homeowner interviewed 4,500 kids and found that the average age of disbelief in Santa is... Go on and guess. Eight. Eight.

Rob? Nine. And nine. guess? 8. 8. Rob? 9. And 9. So the average age when a child loses their belief in Santa is 8.4 years old. I beat you, Rob. Price is Right rules. I personally would have guessed a lot earlier, but if we want to break it down to states, Mississippi has the oldest age of disbelief at 10.2 years and the other end of that is Oregon. These children, they stopped believing around 7.4 years old, right?

So there are some states where kids never believed at all. According to those surveyed, the highest is Vermont and New Mexico, where 10% of kids never once believed in Santa. And on the other side of that, there's Maine, Tennessee, Utah, and Wyoming, those who were surveyed, 0% never believed in Santa, which means that all of them surveyed believed in the big ho ho ho man.

Most of these kids, regardless of what age they come to their disbelief, they come to this by being told from another disbeliever. And on the flip side, as we know on this show, most people come to their belief when they are also told by another believer. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Tyler. Oh, I will load up the pipe, Liz.

So back to Jingles, the raging elf. And he went on, he said, Underneath that jolly old man facade is a sad, washed up myth with a sugar addiction who was so desperate for love and affection and approval because his own mother abandoned him at age five. Wait, is that true? Supposedly. And he was an orphan raised by sugar plum fairies at the North Pole. I don't know, the details are kind of vague. And then Jingle said, you don't even like Christmas Santa, you just need the world to like you.

And newsflash, it doesn't. Half the world resents you because you take the true meaning out of Christmas and make it about greed and stuff when it's really about love and gratitude. Oh, and the other half of the world just thinks you're a creepy cookie monster who breaks into houses at night. And then, Santa pressed this button and all the conveyor belts stopped. And all of a sudden, this super eerie,

slowed down version of Deck the Halls started playing. And then in walk the Candy Crushers. Giant peppermint sticks with googly eyes, but they're strapped into armor made of crushed gingerbread shingles and gumdrops. They're part robot, part elf, super weird, very experimental, try not to think about it.

And then the creepy deck The Halls is coming from them, and they zero in on Jingles, who's standing there panicked, holding his wildly ugly doll like it's gonna save him, and they go in on Jingles, who's standing there panicked, holding his wildly ugly doll like it's gonna save him, and they go in on him. The crushers don't even hesitate. One grabs him by the collar, spins around like a rag doll, and they all start singing super creepily. Naughty elves, get the shelf. Naughty elves, get the shelf.

Like a haunted quartet. They scoop him up and disappear through this secret door. The door slams shut. Then Santa claps his hands and says, back to spreading joy, my little gumdrops. And the workshop just went back to normal. Like nothing happened. And then like a week later, we're in the big cheer room,

which is basically this cavernous hall with terrible acoustics where the biggest Christmas tree in existence lives year round. We meet there weekly for the holly sermon where Santa delivers these long rambling speeches about how the true spirit of Christmas is basically worshiping him. And how if we fail him, we are failing Santa

and therefore failing the whole world. Cult leaders love to hear their own voice, don't they? We're forced to sit there and listen to Santa Rand, and that's where I see it. Sitting on the mantle, I see Jingles. He's miniature, just sitting there, perfectly still, watching us. And Santa sees us all staring, and without missing a beat, he grins and says, Did everyone say hello to Jingles?

Don't be rude! Tell Jingles you missed him. Wait, so Jingles had become an elf? On a shelf, that's right. Wait, you're saying that all the elves on shelf, like that people by a target? Naughty elves from the North Pole. That's exactly what I'm saying. Have you ever had an elf on a shelf?

Yeah. You were manhandling my dead friend. So how many toys did you have to make a day? It changed. The quota started climbing. At first we had to make 50 toys a day, reasonable. Then 100, then 200. You'd see elves fall behind, breaking down in tears. 50 toys a day, reasonable. Then 100, then 200. You'd see elves fall behind, breaking down in tears.

Some of those elves would just disappear, and we'd never see them again. Every second had to be productive. Even our dreams weren't safe. They pumped peppermint gas into the dorms to enhance festive dreaming, but we learned later it was GHB, Gingerbread Hallucination Booster.

I'd wake up terrified that I had upset Santa. He broke me completely and quickly. It was so sad because he turned the thing I loved most, toy making, into something I was disgusted by. In his mind, we weren't just workers, we were his property. I made you, he'd say. Everything you are is because of me. And did you get paid for your work? Paid? Oh gosh, no. We were the chosen ones. We got to work there. It was an honor.

We were supposed to be grateful at all times. All the other elves weren't as talented or as lucky as us. So free labor. Yeah, in exchange for room and board, but the sleeping quarters were horrific. They always talked about the gingerbread homes we would eventually move into, but we were stuck in these old, drafty, candy cane striped shacks.

Was being gay like okay in the workshop? Was it okay? Oh my God, it was like mandatory. I mean, if Santa wasn't there, we would have had a lot of fun, trust me. Christmas is all about being gay and joyful and really fudging gay. I mean there are literally songs that's like, what is it? Don we now are gay apparel or make the Yuletide gay. For Santa, any of us being in relationships was off limits. They were all threats to him because they made you less dependent on him.

We weren't allowed to date or anything like that. Love is a distraction. Christmas is the true purpose. But as hardcore listeners of this show know, that doesn't mean that love still doesn't happen. I did fall in love at one point. So I was at a very low point in my life. I was so beaten down, broken, wondering if what I was doing was still right or even what I came here for. Was I still bringing joy to the children? Was I still actually responsible for keeping Christmas alive? And then I met Cedar. He arrived about 22 years after I'd been there. Again, elf years.

And Cedar was his name. His birth name is something else, but I wanna protect his identity. We met during a mandatory caroling session. Santa demanded we sing deck the halls in rounds and Cedar and I ended up next to each other. I was off key deliberately just to be annoying. And Cedar leaned in and whispered,

"'You're going to get us both in trouble.'" And I whispered back, then sing louder and drown me out. Yeah, a little flirty. Spicy. Yeah, and that was it. That was the moment I knew I finally had someone who had my back in the world. It was puppy love, I guess. Then one night after a brutal 20-hour shift,

I collapsed on a stack of burlap sacks in the storage room. Cedar shows up carrying two mugs of confiscated hot cocoa and hands one to me. To surviving another day of joy, he laughed. I didn't know what came over me, but I kissed him right there. Then we couldn't stay away from each other, sneaking kisses and touches wherever we could, but we knew we were playing with fire.

Every glance felt like a huge risk. And it wasn't long before this forbidden love got toyed with. Oh, toyed with. Nice, see what you did there, very nice. Thank you. Not everyone liked seeing two elves happy. It made their own misery harder to bear.

So one day someone snitched. We were called into the main hall where Santa was waiting on his throne. He sent Cedar to the reindeer stables for five years and reassigned me to the coal sorting room for five years. Yeah, by the way, it's not a myth. Some naughty kids really do still get coal. We tried to keep it going, but it was just impossible. Cedar came back from the reindeer stables different. He was quieter. He was more cautious. I couldn't blame him. I'd heard stories about what happened to elves there

and he wouldn't talk about it. Eventually we just drifted apart, too scared and too exhausted to fight against the system. Fucking cults. Holiday meals can make for wonderful memories, but shopping for the ingredients at crowded holiday grocery stores just makes for anxiety and stress and more stress. And yes, I said it twice because I meant to say it twice.

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I will admit it, we ordered it two weeks in a row. So there's no cleanup, there's no meal planning, meals are delivered, fully cooked, you just heat them up in as little as five minutes. And it's a great last minute gift, guys. Can't think of something? Give them Cook Unity. They will thank you with every bite. Go to cookunity.com slash cult and enter cult before check out for 50% off your first week.

That's 50% off, guys, your first week by using our code cult or just going to cookunity.com slash cult. Happy eating. Hi, I'm Stacey Schroeder. On my podcast, I share candid updates from my personal life, Happy eating. with, like human design. It's a bit all over the place, but that's how I like it. And you will too. Listen to my podcast, Stassi, wherever you get your podcasts. So how long were you at the workshop? In total, it was about 127 years in elf years, of course. It's so much different from human years, but still a long time, a fudge ton, I would say. But time works differently in the workshop. It doesn't really exist there.

They made us feel like time wasn't ours. Like Christmas Eve was eternal here, which meant the clocks were frozen at 11.59 p.m. Santa calls it the eternal Christmas clock. You'd work for what? For like days, but there was no way to know how much real time had passed, because time belonged to Santa,

and he didn't believe in wasting it. Sleep was considered a luxury. If you closed your eyes for too long, the head elf would bang a gong made from an old sleigh bell right next to your ear. Once I nodded off while assembling a train set, and they locked me in the clock room. What's the clock room? Hundreds of cuckoo clocks going off at random intervals. Little wooden birds screaming,

Tick tock, tick tock, don't let the magic stop. Sounds a lot like how I feel co-hosting with you, Liz. Scrooge can't help himself, guys, even on our Christmas episode. Bah, ragga bagga, bah, humbug, ragga bagga. Rah, rah. Rah. But isn't there like a redeeming quality to Scrooge

that makes you like him ultimately? I mean, eventually he has his three act structure and he comes around, right? What's yours? Tiny Tim doesn't have to work on the weekends. When I first got there, I thought I'd stay for a decade or two max, long enough to make a difference. I feel like I contributed to something bigger than myself. It wasn't until I escaped that I even realized how long I'd been there.

What was your breaking point? Oh, gumdrops. It was the night I saw the list, the one he's supposedly checking twice. Turns out it's all a load of reindeer droppings. I was in the records room. They had me on inventory duty counting gumdrops for some other nonsense.

Anyway, I found this file labeled Master List. I thought, finally, I'll see the heart of Christmas, the truth behind the magic. So I opened it expecting some ancient scroll glowing with stardust or something. It was literally just a spreadsheet like any consultant at Bain could have made it. And the nice list was basically a who's who of the North Pole Donors Club. Corporate sponsors, billionaires, CEOs who sent him charitable contributions. Oil tycoon who bulldozed a forest, nice list. A congressman with a smile like a used car salesman and a history of underage sexual misconduct accusations,

nice list. Meanwhile, little kids, the one who sent heartfelt letters begging for a chance at joy, naughty list for things like didn't finish peas or breathed too loud during story time. Then it hit me, like the biggest wake up call of my life. This is all fake, the whole thing, the list, the letters, the magic, it's all a big facade. Santa doesn't

care about spreading joy, he only cares about himself and his precious stupid image. And I spent decades breaking my back for what? A big fat fudging lie. So how did you escape? I stole a reindeer in the middle of the night, not one of the Fab Eight, of course, one of the B-Team backups, Ditcher. But as soon as we left the property, all the jingle bell alarms went off. So we flew through a snowstorm

and zigzagging through snow fields. Just when I thought we'd meet at other North Pole, Santa showed up on his turbo sleigh, flanked by his team of inner circle elves. So there is Santa saying, "'You'll never survive without me. "'Come on, Ditcher, give it up. "'You're not good enough, you never were.'"

Ah man, he even abuses his reindeer, this guy. But Santa underestimated Ditcher, and with one big exhale, Ditcher takes off, and then as if fueled by defiance, he started to fly, more like soar, higher than I'd ever seen him fly, higher than the Fab 8 had ever flown, right there above Santa.

I looked down at Santa, this man I had worshiped for so long, who I thought was a god, and I said, Nicholas, you'll never have my milk and cookies again. And he looked at me and screamed, I can always find another eggnog. And I said, but you'll never find another thin rod jelly bottoms. And Ditcher and I flew off into the night. And just like that, the elf from Frost Hollow, who had slaved away for 127 elf years... Which is how many human years, Tyler? Well, so one human year is equivalent to 15 elf years, so if my math is correct, he was there about eight and a half years.

How do you know that? Because I just did the math in my head. But how do you know that one human year is equivalent to 15 elf years? I mean, everyone knows that, Liz. Come on. I went straight to my head. But how do you know that one human year is equivalent to 15 elf years? I mean everyone knows that Liz, come on. I went straight to my parents. I thought they'd be angry that they'd feel betrayed because I'd been gone so long, but when I showed up at their door they just hugged me and cried. My mom kept saying, we thought you'd never come back.

My dad didn't say much. He just held me like he was afraid I'd disappear again. So how did you heal? Slowly. Talking to other ex-members, knowing that what I went through wasn't my fault. The big one. Forgiveness. But mostly forgiving myself. Processing the shame. Working out the trauma with a professional nutcracker. And what about Cedar? I wondered if he was still there, grinding away at the nutcracker line or if Santa had

found a new way to punish him for daring to care about someone. But years later, I heard a rumor from another escapee. She said Cedar had made it out, too. Apparently, one Christmas Eve, he wrapped himself into a present and Santa delivered him to freedom. That's how I would have escaped, too, right? Just package me up, plop me down somebody's chimney. And then Rob will open me up on questions for me.

Oh, daddy, I never asked for this, but I'll take it. How would you escape, Tyler? I mean, me, I'd probably take everyone with me. I'd stage an uprising. I'd mutiny, Liz. The wheels of capitalism are oiled with the blood of the workers. Revolt! Elves revolt! I'd have my Norma Rae unionized standing on the desk.

Doesn't even know who Norma Rae is in that movie. Sally Field, she won an Oscar for it. I love it. Yes, I do. There we go. That's what I would do. I would bring everyone with me. I would end Christmas and free the house once and for all. No more Christmas music. No more Starbucks cups.

No more joy. That's right. I spent weeks trying to find him, and eventually I found him in a little coastal town working at a wood shop. When I saw him, he looked older, like the workshop had carved pieces out of him that would never grow back. But his smile, that was the same. We talked for hours that first night.

He told me about the reindeer staples, how they worked them to the bone, how the wranglers treated him like dirt, how he thought about me every night to get through it. I told him about my escape, about all the nights I spent wondering if he'd made it out alive. Today we're trying to figure out what life looks like without the jolly ho man breathing down our necks. We moved in together. We were in a quaint tree house back in my neck of the woods, and I finally found my joy for whittling again. Santa took enough from me, and I wasn't gonna let him take that from me too. So now we run a wood shop, making hand-carved toys for kids in need. Now we're doing it not because we have to,

but because we want to. And yeah, I'm still healing. Some days are better than others. Cedar helps, though. He reminds me that life can be gentle, that real love doesn't come with conditions or punishments. And how do you feel about Christmas today?

Oh, God. I'll be honest, I hated it for a while, but today I don't hate it anymore because now Christmas is a reminder of my freedom and I get to choose how and who I want to spend it with. I celebrate the true meaning of Christmas which to me is love, true love, not fear-based love and so every year I spread that love in my own small ways and in some weird way that feels like the biggest fudge you to Santa of all. Because here's the truth, the magic of Christmas was never his to give. The magic of Christmas is born in what we give. It's in the love we share, the hope that we hold on to and the way we make each other feel seen. That's the real magic. And no one, not even him, can ever take that away.

Well, isn't that true, Liz? You know, I think Finrod was on to something, Tyler. And if you want to find Finrod, guess what, guys? You're in luck, because our little eggnog, he's on social media. I'm at ReclaimedFinrod on Instagram and TikTok. Oh, yeah, it's a little double meaning, because my life is reclaimed, but I also do a lot of reclaimed furniture

that I sell for very reasonable prices. So, you know, I do lots of toy repair tutorials. I show my art pieces. I share details about elf culture that's appreciative, not appropriative. ["Fantastic Beasts"] And that, ladies and gentlemen, is our show. Thank you, Finrod, for sharing your story with us and reminding us all what is important this holiday season, and that is Christmas carols.

Lots and lots of Christmas carols at every store and every radio station just loudly over and over. If you want to give Tyler a gift this holiday season, send him a dancing telegram of Christmas carols over and over and over again. If it's the week of Christmas, I will love it. If it's December 2nd, I'm not gonna pay heed. Sorry, grumpy, I know, but moderation in all things, Liz. Moderation in all things. Hey, I can't hear you talking over all that coal in your room.

Get the coal out of the way of your mic. I do think what is important Finrod touched upon this holiday season, which is loving our nearest and dearest ones. That I will support. And showing gratitude to everyone in your life that helps make your life what it is. So for me, I'll say I'm grateful to the two of you, Rob and Tyler, for making my life what it is. Oh, warm feelings, warm feelings. I didn't say good nor. For making my life what it is. Aw, warm feelings, warm feelings. I didn't say good nor bad, I just said what it is. We made you who you are today, don't you ever forget it.

That's right, Liz, you owe us Christmas. It's all because of you. Now you guys can say you're grateful for me. Now here's your chance to say- Stop your recording, Tyler. You're grateful for me. Yeah, I'm done, I'm stopped, I oh good. I love getting to do this show it's such a fun creative outlet for me I look forward to doing it every week and just getting to be on

with you guys in person or otherwise is always a joy. Oh your turn Scrooge. Oh, I like that one time when we had white Russians. Anytime. I like getting sent via hemp and not really using it much. No, no, I love this show. You guys know that. I'm incredibly lucky that we all three found each other, that all of us found each other and have the fortitude and the stupidity to do this show.

So thank you all. All right, enough of a love fest. Oh, it's getting sloppy in here. No, honestly guys, we started this show just humbly, hoping to get a few listeners and make a difference in a few people's lives and what it has become is something far beyond what we ever imagined. We now understand this show helps people in all ways, many we will never know and some we do like getting through a work week or cleaning

up the playroom after your crazy toddlers and I just want to say I feel humbled and grateful for that. And I am too grateful we get emails from individuals who love the show people who have literally left cults or brought their family members out of cults because of this particular show that we love doing so thank you everyone. Are people realizing they were in a cult and didn't before listening to this show. Happens quite often. And before we wrap up this year, we do want to offer a gift to our listeners, you guys.

So in the spirit of gratitude and generosity, all Patreon members will get access to all ad-free episodes through the end of the year. So sign up, you can get ad-free episodes free until the end of the year. So sign up, you can get ad-free episodes free till the end of the year. And any new Patreon members that sign up for the Patreon level cultiest, by December 25th, we'll get a free t-shirt. A free Was I in a Cult t-shirt.

Everyone needs that. Yeah, you don't need to wait for the 90 day membership. Get some free fun merch. And lastly, speaking of merch, we have incredible Santa is My Cult Leader merch for sale right now. And that would make fantastic stocking stuffers, if I do say so myself. You can get it on wezzanacult.com, click merch, and you'll see we've got mugs, stickers, hoodies for men and women, beanies, water bottles, and there's stuff for kids too, shirts, onesies, even a nice sherpa blanket, so check it out. Santa is my cult leader, and also up there is our merch

with our current design again. Come January, we are completely rebranding, and that will all be gone. Supplies our limited operators are standing by. You could totally be that guy, Tyler. I am that guy. That is it, That is our show. We will be back January 13th, 2025 with all new episodes coming your way. So please in the time from now and then, tell your friends, tell your loved ones to listen to us.

All listeners matter and count a great deal. And next season, we finally get to feature Liz's story, who, as you may not know, she, too, was in a cult. Forever dangling carrot, you amateur cult leader, you. Here, I'll give you a teaser now. OK. So I was the court jester and she made me stand up in front of everyone on these retreats and quote unquote channel them while they were in their mind to show a reflection back of what they look like when they're in their mind versus their being. I know super fucked up, right? Yeah, that's weird. Liz, your cult is weird, by the way. Thank you. I concur.

We do like hearing your cult stories. If you want to share your story on this show, please send us your tale at info at wasinacald.com. So with that, let's roll these credits. Yep. Was I in a cold is written, produced and hosted by me, Tyler, the sleigh all day me some that's sleigh as in writing a sleigh down snow, not slaying. Yeah, you're right. You don't slay.

Sleigh all day. And me, Liz, the one who puts the hot in cocoa. Mm-hmm. Ayakoozie. Sound design mix and legend is Rob the Red Nose Para. After I've had a little too much eggnog. White Russian. And our editor, Assistant Jolly Elf is Greta Stromquist.

And a very, very special thank you to the hysterical Dan Leahy for his portrayal of Finrod jelly bottoms. Wait what? What? What? What? What? You did it! Nothing is real! Nothing! Not even Sienna! Dan is performing you guys his two-man sketch show, The Two Loud Gays, at the San Francisco Sketch Fest in January. He performs monthly at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles

with his house team, Detention. And he has a recurring role on St. Dennis Medical, which is on NBC, so check him out. He is so funny and so nice. And hopefully he's a little naughty too, you know what I mean? I think we all get a little naughtiness before the end of the year. And last but never least of our credits, the Santa of this ship is Mr. Stephen Labrum, but he's kind of more like Mrs. Claus, I think a little bit.

I agree. Thank you everyone, and Merry Holidays to all, and to all a good night. Unless of course you're Jehovah's Witness or Amish who don't believe in Christmas. But then again, if you're a Jehovah's Witness and you're probably not listening to our show, and if you are, you're an ex Jehovah's Witness and therefore probably have the dopest Christmas tree on the block right now. So, make up for those last years. Get it, girl. Take out your knife. Purify me. Don't spare my life.

Crucify me.