Was I In A Cult? - US Air Force: “Not Just a Pretty Face, Sir.”

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

WARNING: This episode discuss sexual assault. A girl with a dream, Amanda was recruited from high school into what she thought would be the path to fulfilling that dream. But a superior's abuse of power forced her life in a different direction. This is a powerful and important story shared from an often underrepresented perspective: a woman in the US military. Told with grace, strength, humility, and humor, it is an absolute pleasure providing Amanda with a platform to let her story be known.  ___ Thanks to everyone who supports our show. It really helps! If you don’t yet, but would like to, head to our Patreon (thank you and thank you) Follow us: instagram/TikTok @wasiinacult Have your own story and want to be on our show? Email us: [e-mail]

The views, information, or opinions expressed by the guest appearing on this episode solely belong to the guest and do not represent or reflect the views or positions of the hosts, the show, podcast won this network or any of their respective affiliates. Please note this episode discusses sexual abuse. Please listen accordingly. Thank you. I found your podcast on Amazon Prime and when I started listening to the content I was like oh my gosh I've I was a part of this and I was a part of that and that's when I emailed you. I'm Liz Ayakusy. Yes you are, and I'm Tyler Missom. And here on this show we give those who are in cults and cultic environments a chance to tell their story and take their power back.

Now for those of you who are new to our show, welcome, for those who are loyal listeners from the beginning know that well we do like to cover a range of cults on this show. Because we like to show that cults are far more ubiquitous. Oh good word, that's a nickel. Can you spell it? It's got a a Q and a Q, a Q and a Q, a Q, a U at the end of the cue, somewhere somewhere in the somewhere, somewhere get there. And so when someone emails us with the subject line Uncle Sam the ultimate cult leader well guaranteed our interests were peaked. We snapped too. We were like, aye sir. Sir, yes, in this case it was a ma'am. So we're like aye ma'am. Yes, today's episode is about a woman's experience in the Air Force.

Now we are not calling the United States Armed Forces a cult. We do not have the authority or the knowledge to do so. But here on this show we give people a chance to be heard and a chance to share their personal experiences. And with that, let's let today's incredible guest share her story. I'm very excited for this interview for multiple reasons. But to start, why don't you just sort of introduce yourself? So my name is Amanda. I'm 37 years old and I grew up in North Carolina to a teenage mother, my stepdad and two half-brothers. We lived in trailer

parks and we were on food stamps and like all of the government assistance. The summer before eighth grade, we moved from the mountain part of North Carolina to the Charlotte area. My stepdad got a better paying job with better benefits and the schooling opportunities were improved. Like that was the schooling opportunities were improved. Like that was the first point where things really started to turn around in my life as far as like there's a bigger world out there than what I'm aware of. And sometimes that bigger world is filled with a bunch of jerks. High school was a bit of a wreck, if I'm being honest.

Because of that lower socioeconomic status, I wore a lot of hand-me-down clothes. And so bullying was really bad because I wore a lot of baggy clothes. Like now that's the style and it's just like, where was this acceptance for me, you know, 20 years ago. The bullying got to a point where I wanted to take my own life because I felt like it it wasn't even worth it at that point because.......... I. I. I, the the the th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, I's, I's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, thi, thi, thi, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I... And, I's, I. And, I's, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, toed, thi. And, thi. And, toea. And, toea. And, toea. And, toe. And, thi. And, thi. And, to a point where I wanted to take my own life because I felt like it wasn't even worth it at that point because I was like, everybody hates me. I'm always being called names. Like, it was terrible.

Now, high school can be a shit place. Kids are mean. And I know this because I was mean. No, I wasn't the bully. I just was a dumb jock. Bullying was cool then Liz. Are we all surprised to learn that Tyler was a jock? Is this revisionist history I'm listening to? I said dumb jocke. Dumb first, jock second. With those shoulders? How do Mormons bully

each other anyway? They're going to the telexelestial kingdom. That's what it was. Say one more thing and I'm gonna douse your whole body and coffee. You don't know anything about Joseph Smith. You're only going to have three wives. But once upon a time like all, kids, Amanda had big dreams. I either wanted to be the first female president or the first female on Mars. Yes, I had big lofty goals. As of February 2020 the total number of people who have been to space seems to hover around 680 and according to NASA as of March 2023 only 72 women have been to space. Yeah so a little over 10% is what you're saying. And as for female presidents well if I did my math

math, carry the math. Carry the one. I over divide that by four. And then there's a square root of half baby. By pie. Zero percent of women have been president guys. Did you know that? That I did know.

Regardless, for either of these jobs to be performed, one needs higher education. And Amanda always knew she wanted to go to college. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. toe. toe. toe. the toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to, to, to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. And, I. And, I. And, I. And, to. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, the the t too. And, the too. And, toe. And, toe. And, too. And, toe. And, toe. And, too. And, too. And, always knew she wanted to go to college but she just never knew how she was going to pay for it. Then in walks the biggest, shiniest dangling carrot she ever laid her eyes on. The armed forces recruiters. Lower income places in the south they would sept up a table out in front of the lunch area and then as students were coming and going they would be like, hey have you thought about the Marine Corps, hey if you, the the the the the the the the th th th the th th the th th the th th the th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thoes tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their was was their was their was their was their was their was their was their was their was their was their was they was they was... they. they. they. they. they. they. We were. And they. And they. And they. And then. And then. And then. And then, they. And then, they. And they. And, they. And they. And they. And they. And their their their their they. And they. And they front of the lunch area and then as students were coming and going they would be like hey have you thought about the Marine Corps hey if you thought about the Air Force so there I was in my Bart Simpson t-simson t-shirt. Who the hell are you? Huh? How was my bird Simpson? It's pretty good. Or actually it wasn't Bart. don't know how to be as long as yours.

Slow down, Bart, my legs don't know how to be as long as yours. I don't think I do Ralph as good. I chute to choose you. I eat it the purple berries. And he had his finger up his nose and my shirt said, pick me. Because the recruiter at the Air Force table, he saw it and he goes, okay, I'll pick you, step right up. Yep, he used my shirt against me to draw me in. So I'm cute in the face, and he sold it to me as, you are gorgeous. You could be a gate guard and be the face of the base, and everyone important that ever

crossed those paths would get to see you first. Dead serious, that's what he said to me. One can dream, Sergeant Chauvinist. And his eloquent sales pitch didn't stop there. They were promising brotherhood and a family and lifelong dreams and oh I could travel the world, I get paid to do it, I get free college, I have health care benefits. It was just like, yes, I want that because that's everything I'm not getting right now. That is like my golden ticket in the chocolate bar to get out. You know I guess in a sense they do own you.

When someone is paying for everything in your life, you kind of have to live by their rules. You're all so stuck there. You can't just leave anytime you want. So Amanda was curious. I took the pamphlet, took his business card, and it started with texting back and forth. Also, fun fact, that same exact man is sitting in prison for sexual assault. This man used his position as a recruiter to get access to high school girls. Like when we were working out, he was like, here, let me show you how to do these sit-ups the right way.

And instead of just holding my feet, he made sure to hold my thighs. And of course in the moment, you don't know this because you're a kid, you know, like I was 17. What was I supposed to know to the higher ranking of Lieutenant Letcheris. Well done, sir. You've made your country proud. And he was just like, hey, your first step is to take a test called the ASBAB.

It is essentially five smaller tests to gauge your mathematics, your engerns, your verbal comprehension skills and your vocabulary. It's more or less to like weed out like who would be the best for these positions because if you get someone with a really high mechanical score but a really low English comprehension score you're going to want to put a wrench in their hand, you know? And so I got scheduled to take the ASVAP and I scored a 99 and a perfect score as a 100. They gave me four pages front and back on like an Excel spreadsheet of all of these jobs I qualified for. But I thought you were just a pretty face. That's where they got me. They talked me into security forces, which is law enforcement.

Do you know what it takes to be in law enforcement in the Air Force? The score you have to have? A 34. And I made a 99. And here th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, and I tho, and I tho, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, th, and I, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, and I th, th, and I, th, th, and I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, and I th, and I th, and I tha, and I tha, and I tha, and I'm tha, thaugh, and I'm a tha, and I'm tha, and I'm tha, and I'm they, and I'm they, and the score you have to have. A 34. And I made a 99. And here I was, not knowing my own worth. And I let these people talk me into using my pretty face against me. Subscribing to a career field that I never would have thought of for myself, all because they saw an insecurity on me and prayed on it. And it's like, just hearing myself saying out loud now, oh my God, how was I th.

And it's like just hearing myself saying out loud now, it's like, oh my God, how was I so stupid? No, you're not stupid. This is called manipulation at its finest. You're right. So after I took my test, they were like, when do you graduate? I was like, December. They were like, you could be out of here as soon as March 1st. And I was like, let's go.

I had that hunger to want to want to want to want to want to want to want to want to want. I had that hunger to want to get out of that little small town, go and explore the world and have everybody so proud of me because I was serving my country and I was doing such great things. So when you enlisted, what was the promise? Yeah, the party line stayed the same. Free college, free health care, free housing. You'll the nice the nice the nice the nice the nice the nice the nice the nice the nice the nice. You'll the nice. You'll the nice. You'll the nice. You'll the the the the the the the the the the the the the thea. thea. theauice. thoe, thoge. theck. theck. theck. theck. thecko. theckoom, thoomorrow. thoomk. thoomk. thoomk. thoom. thoom. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toeauuuuu. toeau. toeauu. toeauuu. toe. toe. toe. to drive the nicest newest cars because you'll be making such good money. Oh, the brotherhood, the family, the career progression, the opportunities for advancement, the promotions, the respect, the pride, and the patriotism of it all. Like, you name it, they said it. Now when choosing to

serve in the military, there are a number of options. The Army, Navy Air Force Marines. We're the Marines, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, the Army, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their.a.a.a. their, the military, there are a number of options. The Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines. We're the Marines, the Army, the Navy, the Air Force. We're the Armed Forces. It's a great place to start. There's also the Coast Guard, but I don't know what they do. What about the people that just have to like chill on the beach? I don't know if that's really an option. I don't know if that's the beach force. So you had some friends in the military?

When I went to high school, there were recruiters. I had no interest in joining the military. Have you seen me? I am not cut out for the armed forces. One hand, he's this old bully jock who could beat people up and now he's just a pacifist. All right. So who did a man choose? There's a spirit in the air.

The Air Force experience. Be part of it. Nothing will stop the U.S. Air Force. Air Force. A great way of life. I chose the Air Force because it had the reputation of they value people's intelligence more than they value their muscle. Can you tell me about your first day? Okay, so we stayed in a hotel in downtown Charlotte.

People joining the military get their own floor. So, what happens when you put a bunch of a bunch of. Okay, so we stayed in a hotel in downtown Charlotte. People joining the military get their own floor. So what happens when you put a bunch of like crazy teenagers together in a hotel room? A lot of crazy stuff. And so everybody's like, oh, it's my last night of freedom. Just to paint the picture there. There's a lot of underage drinking, a lot of sex, a lot of partying. But then, you have people walking the halls the halls the halls the halls the halls the halls the halls the halls the halls the hall the you have people walking the halls at 3.30 in the morning, kicking in your door,

unlocking your door, walking in, telling you, get up, let's go right now. And they're like, did I give you permission to look at me? Don't you look at me? You're not worthy to look at me. You are literally nothing. The shit on the bottom th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, to, to, to, to, to, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the door, the door, the door, the door, the door, the door, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, their, th. And, th. And, th. And, thin, thr-s, thr-s, too. And, tooooo.e. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. toe. the tho. And, the the the on the bottom of my shoes will get more respect for me than you ever will. I was prepared for it because with my like traumatic back story and a stepdad who was in the army I know what it's like to get yelled at. That part didn't phase me but instantly people started crying they weren't used to it like getting screamed at. I mean they would be right here in your face. I mean they would be right here in your face and you would smell what they had for breakfast and they would just be screaming at you and their spit would be hitting you in the face.

So after this lovely hotel raid, they would shuffle these groggy, possibly still drunk teenagers to a large military facility. Whose underwear are my wearing? It doesn't matter? Get in this van. You went to this place called Mets, which stands for a military entry processing station. And all day while you were at Mets, you can't make eye-contin anyone, you can't speak unless you're told to. You must be in a single file line.

Your hands must be pinned to your sides at all times. Everyone is wearing a white t-shirt and blue jeans or slacks. You know, you have to march together to get your food and you can't talk while you're eating. If you get caught sleeping, your day ends, you have to find somebody to come pick you up because you're not worthy to be in their military, because if you can't stay awake, then you don't want it bad enough. Girls can't wear cosmetics, they can't have acrylic nails, they can't have fake lashes, they can't have, their hair can't be a color that doesn't their head. thr. You. You. You. You. You. their. their. their. thr-in. thr-in. thr-in. thr-in. thr-in. thr-s. thr-s. thr-s. thr-s. thr-s. thr-s, their, thr-s, thr-s, their, their, their, th th th th th th th. thi, you're th. their, you their, you their, you their, you th. th. th. th. th. th. You th. You th. You's, th. You's, th. You's, th. th. th. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. thr. throwneeeeeeeeatea. thr. thr. thr-auuea. thr-a. thr-a. thr-a. to wear your glasses. You go through the medical screening, and then girls will make sure they're not pregnant. They'll give you a breathalyzer to make sure you're not drunk. They take an STD test to make sure you don't have anything communicable that you're

going to pass around. And then I got something like a gynecological exam. Here I am a kid. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thee. I thee. I thee. I thee. I thi. I took took th. the the the the This guy looking like Santa is between my legs, pulling my lips apart. And I was like, okay, that would have been nice to know before that happened. Like, where was my recruiter on that? Like, why didn't I get a heads up? Hey, by the way, you're gonna have to be inspected

that females are actually females, and males are actually males. I was prepared to get stuck to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get the to get a the the the to get a the the the the to get a with a needle, pee in a cup, but they didn't tell me that when I peed in a cup, that it would be an open stall, and there would be someone watching it leave my body. They pay someone to squat down eye level with your genitals and watch the urine leave your body. So humiliating.

And you're dealing with mostly men. Oh, 99% men. The only women I saw were the ones serving us food. So they weren't even military. They're just, they're in the cafeteria. And the new recruits, mostly men too? Oh, absolutely. When I went through, there was maybe seven girls. And so instantly, you get this six cents, I guess, as a woman in a crowd of men. People are like, oh, is she loose? Is she gonna put out? This message is sponsored by Greenlight. You know, growing up, there were so many important things that our parents taught us. Yeah, that we shouldn't swallow gum.

Yeah, it stays in your stomach for seven years, they claimed. Don't sit too close to the TV. You might go blind, they said. Don't swallow watermelon seeds. A watermelon wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa. A watermelon. A watermelon. A watermelon. A watermelon. A watermelon. A watermelon. A watermelon. A watermelon. A watermelon. A watermelon. A watermelon. A watermelon. A watermelon. A watermelon. A watermelon. tha. tha. tha. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. to to to thea. to to to toooooooooooooooooooooooooo. the. the., they taught us many things. But what they didn't really teach us was about finances. At all. I feel like our entire generation learned about the fears of razor blades and Halloween candy but never the fears of high interest rates. That is something we are hoping to change with our respective children. Yes and we will do it with Greenlight. Greenlight is a debit card and money app made specifically for families.

You guys, I love this app. Parents can send money to their kids and keep an eye on their kids spending and saving. All while, their kids are learning to build money confidence and lifelong financial literacy skills. Which is huge, which I wish I had this as a child. And the Green Light app also includes a chores feature, which I is my favorite feature. You can set up at one time or recurring chores, customized to your family needs, right? So you can reward your kids with the allowance after they've done. Their damn chores. Which was better than when I was a kid and I had to work all day for one dirty nickel. That you probably just tossed in your mouth.

So many germs. Disgusting. But you know, I probably would have worked a little better had I known that my money, had I known that my money was going on a debit card and gaining interest. You, a hundred percent would have worked her. Mill the day. Although that's a little debatable now with this whole fasting craze. Anyway guys, go sign up for greenlight today. Get your first month free when you go to Greenlight.com slash cult.

That's Greenlight.com.Cult. That's Greenlight.com.C.Calt. That's greenlight for free.greenlight.com slash cult. Hey girlies, I'm Cody Rigsby. And I'm Andrew Chappell. We're here to announce our brand new podcast. Tactful pettiness. Now on podcast one. We have a lot of opinions. Flip Flops in New York City, you don't love yourself.

If I'm not seated, I'm not tipping. Do I want to see a picture of your baby? No. If I have to scroll more than 10 seconds, he's not cute. Settling gets you an ugly boyfriend. So we're going to help you out. We sure are because we have the life expertise. We have mastered throwing shade. With intention. We are in the business of helping you find and keep your man. And we're here to teach you the fine art of tactful pettiness. Join us each week as we traverse the world of pop culture, chat with our celebrity friends, and show you how to accept yourself without taking life too seriously.

Get new episodes of tacfell with me, Cody Rigsby. And me, Andrew Chappell. Every Thursday on Apple podcast, Spotify, Amazon music, and anywhere you get your podcasts. Stay Petty Bestie. So Amanda has officially entered basic training. Now I know very little about what it would be like to be in basic training. So my only references are the movies.

And I'm going to assume that most of basic training is a lot like stripes. What's your problem, boy? I was just making a joke, sir. Well, why don't you tell me your problem, boy? I was just making a joke, sir. Well, why don't you tell me your joke, son? I don't think you'd think it's funny, sir. How do you know? I got a hell of a sense of humor. Ain't I corporal Briggs?

Yes, sir. Corporal Bricks? We have a comedian in our midst. Will you take this comedian outside and watch him do 50 push-ups? Get the go smelling ass out here! I don't think so, Tyler. I think it's more like full metal jacket. I will PT you owe until you fucking die.

I'll PT you until your asses are sucking buttermill. You little scumbag. I got your name. I got your ass. You will not laugh. You will not cry.!! th. th. th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th. Get th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi. thi thi thi thi them thi thi thi thu them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them th th th thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu- th. th. th th th thu thu- thu- thu- thu-a. to to to to to to to to to to to to to toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. to to you until your assholes are sucking buttermill. You little scumbag. I got your name. I got your ass. You will not laugh. You will not cry. You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you. Now get up, get on your feet.

You at best unfuck yourself, or I will unscrew your head. to the today's today. That sounds like fun. It does does does does does does does does does does. to. to. It does. Military is fun. I'm joining Army Mother. So everyone in the Air Force has to go to Lackland Air Force base in San Antonio, Texas. They call it the gateway to the Air Force. And at the time it was only six weeks. Now I believe it's eight weeks long. And it was wild.

We're picked up on a bus or a shuttle van. We're taken to the airport the airport the airport the airport the airport the airport the airport the airport the airport the airport the airport the airport the airport the airport to the airport. Everybody in the airport knows who you are because everybody looks the same. It's crazy. It's my first flight ever in my life. I'm sitting next to somebody I don't even know and I was like this is my first flight and I'm joining the military and I'm really scared can I hold your hand. Luckily this really old guy next to me was so sweet and he's, yeah, I'll hold your hand and I was like like like, I'll like, I'll like, I'll like, I'll like, I'll like, I'll like, I'll like, I'll like, I'll like, I'll like, I'll like, I'll to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to told told, I'll to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to me I'll to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the the the thi. the the. the thi. the. the thi. the. their happy that the universe found it necessary to put me next to someone so kind for my first flight. So they land in San Antonio and the pilot comes over the intercom. And he was like, all basic trainees, please stand and exit the plane, your cadre are waiting

for you. So we get off the stairs and we're on the runway of the aircraft and we're immediately getting screamed at and then we're getting on a blue government bus and we're being bused to Blackland. The recruiters sell you like the ice cream sundaes and then you show up and it's like prison. As soon as you're walking off the bus, they're screaming at you. So it's like, you don't you don't even get a name. Hey female. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. the the the their. the their. their. they. the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they.e.e.e. the the the the the the the the the bus, they're screaming at you. So it's like, you don't even get a name. Hey, female, hey, female trainee with a face. Yeah, that's what you get called when you're getting off the bus and getting ushered to your things. And at this point, it's like three o'clock in the morning. And so everybody's tired and that like, oh, you really want to go back to your mom as a disappointment. She probably regrets the day she ever gave birth to you because you can't even do shit

right. They would run to you just to chastise you and break you down in front of everybody. You call that marching? Who fucking did this to you? Why are you like this? The way that they will talk to you in training to break, to break, to break, to break, to break, to break, to break, to break, to break, to break, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, and to, to, to, to, to, to, and to, to, to, and to break, to, to, to, to, to, they. their, their, their, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, they....................... And, they... And, they.. And, they. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, they. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, theymea. And, they. And, they'll. And, they'll, they. And, they. And, no joke. They're telling you where to stand and where to go and where to walk and you're just essentially getting screamed out all the time. And they get pissed at you and you don't understand and I'm like, if you could just speak to me like a human being and enunciate, and I'm like, if you could just speak to me like a human being and enunciate. You get your shit together, female face co-host. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, th. thi, thi, th. I thi, thi, th. I th. I thi, th. I thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to thi, to to thi, to thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. thi, th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi, thi. to to thi. to to to to thr-s, to to to to to thr-s, to to to to to to thr-s, to thr-s, to thi. thi. th your shit together female face co-host. I do have a face thank you Tyler no one's ever noticed that before. We were told to form up grab

our bags, grab a bunk and go to sleep. Like so it was a row of 30 bunks this way and a row of 30 bunks this way and then in the middle was the offices where the instructors would stay and then another row of 30 bunks so you had... let's see three, three, three, three, three, th, th, th, let's, let's, let's, th, th, let's, let's, th, let's, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi thi thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, thii, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th in the middle was the offices where the instructors would stay. And then another row of 30 bunks and another row of 30 bucks. So you had, let's see, 3, 6, 9, 120 girls or females. And then so we only got like two hours of sleep because revelry, that goes off right at 5.30 every day. So here we are already sleep deprived. There's a lot of everything happening. Like there's a lot of tears. There's a lot there's a lot of a lot of a lot of a lot of a lot of a lot of a There's a lot of everything happening. Like there's a lot of tears, there's a lot of shell shock,

there's a lot of like, what in the fuck did I just get myself into? So you're waking up, you're having to shower with like 150 people. They made us hold our shower puff with shower gel already on it. They made us squirt two and one conditioner on our head, and in our other hand, we had to hold a toothbrush already pre-toothpaste. There were 10 shower heads. So as we marched to the beat of a cadence, and you had two minutes, that's all the time you got, as for as long as you to hit 10 shower heads, you better have gotten your te meals a day, just like prison.

While you're in the dining facility, you have to keep both hands on the tray at all times and side step together. You have to get three non-carbonated, non-caffronated beverages, and you must drink them to completion and turn your cup upside down. So you may not get but two or three minutes to finish your food and you finish your plate and your three drinks. There's no conversations. There's no fun shit chats. There's no enjoying your meal. There's no break. And then at 9 p.m. they play taps. It's part of the military culture to honor the end of the work day or also a bigger significance is those who have lost their life for their country.

So what was the education like of what your job was going to be? Well that's a thing, you don't learn anything about your job until after you finish basic training. Basic training is all military tactics. It's weapons training, it's marching. Then the classes that you have to take, to to to to to to to to the classes, to to to the classes, to the classes, to the classes, to the classes, to the classes, to to the classes, the classes, to the classes, to the classes, to the classes, to the classes, the classes, the classes, the classes, to to to to to to the to the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their have to take because the Air Force, they harp heavily on education. So they're giving you the history of the Air Force. And then you are taught the history of all of these major world conflicts. What did we learn?

What are the takeaways? How can we be better? Like you have to carry around this huge binder with you everywhere you go. And you have to memorize the important the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the important people of the chain of command. You have to understand the difference between a flight that leads into a squadron, that leads into a wing, that leads into a group, that leads into a command. It is all so hyper-organized that it blows your mind. You are so tired all the time, and you're told straight up, you don't get paid to think for yourself. So you're told that from day one. Then everything you do is done together.

You shower together, you eat together, you sleep together, you do your physical exercise together, you do your classes together, you study together, you take a shit together. Like they wanted all the view to follow. Hands flat on the tray, sidestep, side step, side step, carrying it together, shoulders back, chin up, one, two, one, two, left, right, left, right, back, straight, chin up. Both feet on the floor, knees out of 90 degrees,

hands flat on the top of your legs, and then they said, okay, stand by or at ease. Then you could sit back and kick back, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, the, the, the, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, two, to, two, two, two, to, to, to, to, to, to,. But don't get too comfortable because the minute somebody looks too comfortable, class, tench hut, and everybody was just back to it. Everyone's goal is just, they call it shutting up and coloring, like just shut up and color inside the lines, so that way you don't stand out in any kind of way, good or bad, because you don't want to be noticed at all in training. And if you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you th you th you th you th you th you th you th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi to thi to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to want to be noticed at all in training. And if you did stand out, even by being yourself, you would become a target. Two weeks before graduation, we were given our blues, which is like our dress uniform,

and our instructor turned on the radio in the office, and both doors were open so both sides of the bays could hear the music. I love music, and I was singing along with it, because it was like the first taste of like something that made me happy in a really long time and I was like, oh, ha ha ha, and I was just like la la la la la la la. In that moment for the rest of the time I was called radio. They pulled me up and they would smack my head and they. Give me a country song you know it was Shania Twain. Man I feel like a woman. D-da-da-na-na-na-na-na- Let's go girls.

Nope, give me a rock and roll song and I would be like, I want to rock and roll all night and party every day. And then they're like, oh give me an R&B song and I was just like, it's seven o'clock on the dock I'm in my drop-top cruising the streets. But at least Amanda was comfortable singing and being the radio. She can only imagine the humiliation if it had been someone who was terrified of that. Yeah and Lord help you if you did anything out of line. Or against the rules. On our graduation run, we all had to do a 13-mile run together.

It is August, in Texas, and it is hot as hill, and I'm sweating. An instructor sees me, she was like, oh, you crying, you're going to squirt some, you little bitch. This is my Air Force. You ain't worthy. Catch the fuck up or get the fuck out of my Air Force. I was like, I'm not even crying. This is sweat. It's hot outside. There was a guy that showed up hungover for a morning PT run, and he threw up, and he was forced to eat his vomit off the ground. It was rough to witness. It was, like, all of the senses were involved in that. Like, you heard it, you saw it, you smelled it. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. I did learn a bit of Air Force slang and a fighter pilot's breakfast, they call it. And it's a coke, a smoke, a smoke, a thia thiiiuuuuuuuuuuuuu th th th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, like, like, like th, like th, like, like, like th, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, and he thi, and hea, and he's thi, and he's thi, and he's thi, thii, thii, thiiiiii, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, like thi, like thi, breakfast, they call it. And it's a Coke, a smoke, and a puke. Ugh. Well, at least he's not eating the puke. Probably not. A coke is about as bad for you, though. A coke and a smoke. Yeah, not great.

It's probably what happened to me too. I'd puke. Puke is the state at this point? Really empowered, like I just survived something really hard and Because of course whenever it's graduation day Everybody gets their ass kissed on graduation day like you're dressed up everybody's oh my god. I'm so proud of you. I love you so much. Yeah, cheers claps Bluoms, confetti parades. So you feel really good. Up next, technical training. So security forces technical training is very, very

similar to basic training. Still having to march everywhere, having to do everything together. No individuality. You are there to do a job. You're not there to be a human. However, they were given a slight taste of freedom by being able to leave to to to to to to the to the the to the to the the to the the to the the the the the the to the the the the the the the the the their next next next next next next next next next next next next their their their their next next next next next to their their their technical technical their techni. technickeckeckeck. technick. technick. technick. their technical their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their technical. treck. technical treck. technical training. technical training. technical training. technical training. technical training.eck.eck. technical technical training. technical their their You're not there to be a human. However, they were given a slight taste of freedom by being able to leave the base for a weekend. It's called a weekend pass. Thank you, Colonel. What did you get to do on the weekends? Pretty much anything you wanted as long as you were back in time for curfew. I would go and get a hotel by myself to just be alone and have internet. Like I was such tho tho tho tho thi th. the the thi the th. thi the thi the th. thi to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to do to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to do to to to do to do to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to do. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the the. the the the the thea. the thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. to thea. thea. I. to just be alone and have internet. Like I was such a dork. I didn't do anything crazy. This one girl went out, she got drunk underage, and she broke her few

because this one girl broke the rules. All 105 of us had to pay the price for her for a solid seven days. We were mopping the schoolhouse floors, we were dusting, we were cleaning toilets. And then the whole time, that one girl, th, th, th, thold thold tho, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, thi, the thi, the tho, the tho, the tho, the the tho, their, their, tho, tho, tho, their, their, their, their, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, throoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, toilets. And then the whole time, that one girl, they told her to stand on the side and watch. So everybody was looking at her like, oh, you bitch, we're only doing this shit because you broke the rules and now you get to sit and just watch us bust our ass. Oh, bitch. Like, it makes everyone so afraid. Soon, Amanda's initial reasons for wanting to sign up for the Air Force, like a free

education to support her own dreams, went by the wayside. And before she knew it, the Armed Forces' dreams became her dreams. I realized, damn, this just started. I wanted to make a career out of it and go 20 years. There's always that little part of me that, God, I'm so over this. but that at the same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same the same the same same thiiiiiiauia, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. thi. I'm, thi. I'm, the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I'm, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. to. to. to th. th little part of me that's like, God, I'm so over this. But that at the same time, when you're out in public and you're in uniform, someone shakes your hand and say, thank you so much for your service. They've indoctrinated you to like, get a fucking hard on for that shit. It's like, the minute someone's like, we support our troops.

Any veterans in the house, thanks. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. S so thi. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. Sso. Sso. Sa. Sa. Sa. Sa. Sa. Sa. Sa. Sa. Sa. Sa. Sa. Sa. Sa. Sa. thi. thi. thi. thee. the. the. tha. the. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. then you're right back in it. And then you feel shitty again. It's like over and over and over again. The Air Force experience. Be part of it. Nothing will stop the U.S. Air Force. Air Force, a but I can assume it's much like the movies, like Topcon. So it's pretty much just playing volleyball, you hi-five your wingman every once in a while,

you buzz the tower, Kelly McGillis comes in, she's totally hot. That's pretty much what the Air Force is, right? And every once in a while you feel the tower, Kelly McGillis comes in, she's totally hot. That's pretty much what the airport says, right? And every once in a while you feel the need. The need for speed. That's right. Take the highway to the danger zone. So eventually Amanda finishes her training and is now ready for battle. Well, metaphorically speaking, I guess, but you know, Amanda never went to actual war.

My first assignment was to a North Carolina base. I did a lot of patrolling type stuff, flight line security, gate guard, like checking IDs every day to making sure people have the right stuff, working at the visitor center. I did all of that. I was so on fire for it. I lived it. I loved it. I ate that shit up like candy on Halloween. That's when I felt like I got to have my individuality back because I got to wear whatever I wanted when I wasn't at work. I got to go wherever I wanted without having to check in with anybody. I didn't have a curfew. So I felt like a whole human again. Once you're out of the training environment. And then you're like th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. I thi. thi. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I to te. I te. I te. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I training environment and then you're like actually doing your job, that is just like any other job. Like you show up for your shift and then you go home. But by then the indoctrination is already so deep in a mind so young that you know you don't want to ruffle feathers, you want to

always be the reliable one and the dependable one. You want to get noticed and you have to go above and beyond. You you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thoo, thoooo, thooo, thooo, thooo, tho, tho. You become like, how can you serve the Air Force? It's kind of like, you know, that poster. Uncle Sam wants you. And not only does he want you, but he wants your soul, he wants your body, he wants your mind. He wants every bit of you. Especially if you're a woman. When I was in my law enforcement squadron. My first supervisor, before he joined the military, he was a bull rider.

And so he was incredibly strong and very, very tough. He was the NCOIC, non-commissioned officer in charge. He was the one writing my performance reports at the end of the year. He came across as like a really interested mentor. He was like, look, you're young and you're female, so he's like, let me look out for you. So here I was thinking that, awesome, I've got this mentor, he's going to hook me up, I'm going to have an awesome career, da da da da da. And then it's just like he's asking me to stay later after work and get this, that, and the third done. I'm like, absolutely absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, I'm like, I'm like, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, like, thi, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. th. thi, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, he. And, he. And, he. And, he. And, he. And, he. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. he. he. he. he. he's, th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. this, that, and the third done. I'm like, absolutely, I got your back, like, thinking that there was going to be some kind of award in it for me, right? One night where I was on the computer doing something, and then he was like, you want

to go get a drink with me later? And I was like, I'm underage. He's like, the drinks at my house, who's going the sexual relationship came in because I was dumb enough to take him up on the offer for a drink. We started dating kind of on the low because I was an airman and he was an NCO. He told me nobody can know about us. Don't say anything. You'll risk both of our careers. I'm not in this for a long time.

I'm in this to have a good time. It's like all of the the things the things the things the things the things the things the things the things the things the things the things the things the things the the like all of the things that you realize after the fact he told me who he was. It's kind of like when Maya Angelou's like when someone tells you who they are, believe them. I didn't believe him. And like we maybe hooked up once a week. He started to get a little bit more aggressive and you know he was like I was taking it easy on you so that way you could get used to it. The slow grooming process to like introduce violence into sex and making me okay with it. And then one night he was just like hey let's try something new and I was like oh yeah and so he pulls out the handcuffs well being trained in law enforcement handcuffs don't scare you until you're the one in them and so my right ankle to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. I to go go go go go. I. I toe. I was to go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go.. toe. toe. te. te. te. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. you're the one in them. And so my right ankle and my right wrist, he put the cuffs behind my headboard because he had kind of like a broad iron framed bed and something takes over his face in that moment.

Like his eyes go dark and his soul is void. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's ease up. And then all of a sudden, it is just like, it is forceful and it is violent and he doesn't stop. And the more I fought, the more he fought me back. And then he hits me right in the ass cheek. He hits me so hard, my hip dislocates. I keep fighting. I keep screaming. Then I get hit in the face, and he's like, shut the fuck up, I'm not done yet.

It got to a point where I just stopped fighting to stop getting hit and just let him finish. So when my hands and feet were up and he was, you know, intercourcing me. I don't know how to put it. Raping you. Yeah, raping me, which is really heartbreaking to say out loud. But thank goodness, a lot of really great therapist have helped me get to this point to where I can talk about it without completely coming undone.

Whenever he was done, he finished on my face. And then he threw a towel at me, and then he undone the handcuffs, and he's like, I'm getting in the shower, don't be here when I get back. And it's, it wasn't until he finished on my face to where I felt like all bit of humanity was sucked for me in that moment. Sorry.

Because like, here I was, I put so much trust into this person, believing that they only had the best of intentions for me and wanted to look out for me and wanted to help me, and then ended up taking a part of me that I'll never, ever, ever get back. Did he think he was destroying my life in that moment? Did he think he was killing me in a way? No, he didn't. He was just trying to get his dick off.

But the reality of it is I died that day. Like, because that version of me that was then, she's not alive anymore inside me today. I kind of like limped my way to my car and went to the hospital and I end up I have a crown on my tooth from that being broken. I had a fracture in my jaw. I had a broken orbital socket. I had like a black eye. My lip was busted. Yeah, and I gave them a fake name. So like, Jane Smith, I lied my ass off.

I told them, I told them I was attacked and I don't know who did it, but I'm hurt and I need help. And all I could do was sob. And then since like what I was wearing was kind of sluddy looking, immediately I was asked by the staff. Like, why were you wearing that? Who was with you? th you? th you? th you? I the th you th you? I th you the th you th you? I was with th you was with th you? I was with the th you? I was with th you was with th you was with th you? I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with thi. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with th. I was with with with with with with with with th. I was with with with with th. I was with th. I was with kind of slutty looking, immediately I was asked by the staff, like, why were you wearing that? Who was with you? Were you alone? How much did you have to drink? Did you leave your drink unattended?

Yeah, and the whole time I knew the truth. I was willing to be belittled to keep the secret. Like I was so afraid of compromising his career. All I could keep thinking about was how this was going to be my fault, how I was going to be the one to tear someone's career away from them and I was going to be the one that did it. So I was willing to be slutshamed and victim blamed than to call out this mothucker did it. That like when you hear it out loud that like what a fucking like weak place to be in your mind to where you would rather take the weight of someone else's like like essentially a gas lit myself into

thinking I was the problem and so I was like oh everything they're saying about me I brought it on myself. Of course at this point that's where your mind is at. You were beaten into submission like a the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to be to be to be the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the te. teak. te. teak. te. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the I brought it on myself. Of course at this point, that's where your mind is at. You were beaten into submission like a puppy. You are not allowed to question. You are not allowed to ruffle feathers. You are not allowed to speak up against anyone, especially somebody who's your supervisor, and this fucker knows that. He's taking full advantage of this. I mean, I'm sure sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, you, I'm sure, you, you, you, you, I'm sure, you, you, you're you're you're you're you're you're thu thu thi, thi, thi thi, you're you're thi you're thi thi thi thi the the the the the the you are you are you are you are you are you you you, you you you, you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you're that that that that that that that thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi thi thi thi thi thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii thiiii thiiii thi thi thithat. He's taking full advantage of this.

I mean, I'm sure you're not the first person this happened to. Probably not. You don't get to be an authentic version of yourself because they take that from you. You don't know how to be honest and stand up for yourself because you believe this is what you're supposed to do. You put yourself in situations. No same person would ever put themselves into because it's just the way it is. Because all along from the very beginning, you're told you get paid to do what you're told not to think. Now look, we don't know the specifics of the sexual assault prevalence within the armed armed. Now look, we don't know the specifics of the sexual assault prevalence within the armed forces.

But I would assume to guess there is a lot. Agreed. In fact, there is a 2012 documentary made by my friend Kirby Dick. It's entitled The Invisible War. It investigates rape and sexual assault within the military. So yes, it's enough of a problem to warrant a film. And these are stats from the Department of Defense's 2022 annual report on sexual assault in the military. In total the department received 8,942 reports of sexual assault involving service members as

victims and or subjects. And that's just the reported cases. Went to the hospital. They gave me a prescription for like antidepressants and the diagnosis code was PTSD. And so when I took that to the pharmacy on base and they saw that, instantly my medical records were flagged. So I could no longer carry a gun because I was on an antidepressant. I could no longer be considered for trips overseas because if you're getting mental health, you can't be trusted to go anywhere. And then if you are not deployable, you're not worth having in the military.

And so here I am, like in an office type setting because I can't arm up because I'm on antidepressants. So right off the gate, like, less than a year in. My entire career is handicapped in a very serious way because I'm just trying to take care of myself. But he kept getting promoted. He got his top-secret security clearance. He kept getting recognized and awarded because he was high speed.

He was shit hot. But Amanda kept going, kept obeying orders, kept saluting her superiors. And she performed her duties, which was mostly relegated to office work. Sometimes known in the military as chair force. Regardless, she did her job with vigor and zeal. I was still denying the reality of how much this truly affected me. I did traditional talk therapy.

Like I was just like, oh, this is what happened and this is what happened and this is what happened and they were like okay well how does that make you feel and I'm like it makes me feel like shit and they were like good next week we'll talk about how making you feel like thein. Like that was the extent of my therapy back then like now I know so much more about that kind of stuff but th. th. th. thage th. th. th. thia thia thia th. thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the. I the. I the. I the. I theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea. I was the. I was the. Ithat kind of stuff. But at the time, I was like, okay, I saw a therapist, I took the pills, I got better. And I gas lit myself into thinking I was all better. Because, you know, service before self. But eventually she meets a strapping young soldier.

And this one, well, he was kind and sincere, and they fell in love. Take my breath away. I got married and moved to Kansas, so I've been married now. It'll be 13 years in December. Our first together was a girl, and then our second was a boy. So it was everything that I never knew I needed. Now, every year the Air Force requires its members to take a test to ensure each airman

maintains the necessary physical fitness levels to perform their duties effectively. It's now called the fit to fight test. But at the time Amanda was enlisted it was called PT for physical training. A full PT test at the time was a waste measurement, half a mile run, pushups and sit-ups. Now in order to be deemed the the the to be to be to be to be the to be the the the to be the to be the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the t. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. tests at the time was a waste measurement, half a model run, push-ups and sit-ups. Now in order to be deemed quote fit to fight, testers must hit a certain benchmark depending upon age and gender. For example, you must do a certain amount of push-ups in a minute. How many push-ups can you do in a minute, Tyler? I don't know, what do you think? Let's test it. How many for your age? In my age group, I'm in the 50s age group. According to my age group, in order to be fit to fight, I only need to do 15 push-ups in a minute.

But a higher score is 24 and the highest score is 44. What about girls or versus boys? Girls in your age group? Only 11 is fit to fight, 16 is a higher score, and the highest score is 38. Well, you know what, Tyler? Hit the floor, soldier! Yes, soldier. All right, you want to see how many I can do? I do, I do.

to do this. What's the overrunner? Um, you could probably fire. You can't fire it's done. You're gonna time? I have a timer. All right. Come over here where I can see you, please.

Oh, okay. So the rules are your knees can't toughs nor your chest. Okay, ready guys. I've got witnesses. Stacey's watching. On On marks, get set, go. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Editor's note, we'll have Tyler's total number of push-ups at the end of the show. This is going to join in too, so we'll really see who's fit to fight. Stay tuned.

At the time, women only got six months from the date of birth to pass a full PT test. But all three of my children were a C-section. For eight weeks out of that six months, I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even hold anything heavier than my child because of the abdominal surgery I had to deliver him. But yet, six months later, I'm supposed to be ready to do 40-some sit-ups in under a minute. If you failed one component of that test you failed the entire thing. But the thing is they weighed you and did the tape measure in the very beginning. So here I am. I weighed in, I'm good, I get taped. They measure at the top part of the hip bone. After having three children, that widens. Like that's just scientific fact,

because your hips have to open up to prepare for a child to come through. And it's half an inch off. And I'm sitting there behind this little curtain, in this little closet, essentially, with this female proctor. I was like, girl, can you please swing me half an inch, please? I've been killing myself. I've had three C-sets. She goes, nope, integrity first. And she's like, you clearly don't know how to put service before yourself because you didn't lose the weight. And I know that another woman couldn't even slide me a half an inch and right down. Granted, I was asking her to lie. So I'm not completely like blameless in that that, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thin, thi. theee, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, th blameless in that, but at the same time, half a fucking

inch, what the fuck does that matter? Like, that could be like between lunch and dinner. So even if you knew you failed it, before you ever started, you still had to run, do the push-ups and the sit-ups. My run was on point, my push-ups were on point. But because I was half an inch too thick, my career ended. By half an inch. I felt so fucked over by something I believed in so wholeheartedly that I dreamed about this ever since I was a teenager. And I fought so fucking hard for it. Despite all of the hell it brought me.

All the hell that it brought to me, I tried to turn myself myself myself myself myself myself myself myself myself myself myself myself myself myself myself myself myself myself myself to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to that it brought to me, I tried to turn myself into a phoenix of it all, like rising from the ashes being greater than. And here it was again just fucking telling me, nope, goodbye. This is kind of just the end of the line for you. So she was asked not to reenlist. And the aftermath was just a general discharge. I was still in inactive ready reserve status. Like I wasn't discharged, but I didn't have to show up to go to work either. So it's like this weird gray area.

After my dad died, all of that unprocessed, grief, and trauma just kind of compounded. And I had a nervous breakdown. And so I spent 10 days in a behavioral health facility. Because I was just like, everything come und to me to to to to to to to to to to me to me to me to me to to to to to to to to to to to the to the to the to the the the that the the the the the that the the the the the the the the the the the their their their r. I their. I their. I their. I their. I was, their. I was, the the the the the the the the the the the the the after. I was, the the the the after. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thea. I was just. I was and so I spent 10 days in a behavioral health facility because I was just like everything come undone for me at that point. I was standing on the side of a freeway, just waiting for the next 18-wheeler so I could just step out in front of it. I happened to look up and I see the Veterans Crisis Suicide High Line. And so I called that number number and they are on the

phone with me until I drive myself to the emergency room and check myself in to the hospital to get help for a mental health crisis. Had I not seen that billboard, had I not identified with what I saw, I wouldn't be here. Every 22 minutes a veteran commits suicide. The government took everything from them and never put back what it stole because it robs you of all individuality. They create their perfect little soldier and the service before self is what you know that is your identity. So the minute that job doesn't exist for you anymore, what are you supposed to do then?

You get people that don't know how to function without having that structure. Like the same ones who are giving their life for it? For what? For fucking what? A flag on their casket? So they'll have all the right words to say. But the minute you try to say, oh well, I need some help with my mental help. They're like, nope, boop, you're no good to us. So goodbye, poop.

There's the door, don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out. Don't get me wrong. Like, the military, it opened doors for me that I don't think any other choice would have, but it also took things from me that I that I that I that I that I that I can never get back either. And it never had to be that way. It's clear that Amanda had a tumultuous experience as a member of the Air Force, but she is certainly not alone. I've been able to find so many other like-minded veterans who survived these types of things, and now on the other side of it, we really have sort of become our own type of Phoenix

in a way, because you will find what you look for in this life. So if you look for pain and suffering, you'll find it. But if you look for healing and growth, you'll find that too. You just have to wake up every day, put your feet on the floor and choose it. And so if by sharing the story, if anyone can relate, I want anyone to know that it's not too late to find who you are. What makes you you? Don't let a career choice identify you.

Don't let a uniform identify you. You get to choose that because every breath given to you in your lungs is a gift. Don't waste it. And I know that sounds super cliche, but it's it's so true. Anyone listening has ever had that little dark voice inside their head of the world will be better without you. Your kids deserve better than you. What could you possibly bring to the table? I want you to throw up both middle fingers and tell that voice to go fuck itself with a pine cone because you are so fucking awesome just because you live and breathe and take up space on this planet. I think you're pretty fucking awesome, and I'm really glad you reached out to us to share this incredible

story. Thank you. If you could say the thing that you couldn't say to your rapist at the time today, is there anything that you'd want to say? I've thought about this for a long time. And for a while, I was dead. But but then love brought me back to life and you'll never be able to take that. You got a piece of my body. You didn't get my soul. And I wish that for every one of your listeners that you'll find partners that just choose you and

the most authentic form of you every single day no matter what. Because it's literally saved my life. Oh, what a brave and wonderful human being and what an amazing story. Amanda, thank you again for sharing with us today. It's important to spread this awareness and we're very grateful for your openness and vulnerability. If you are a veteran in crisis and need help, please get help. And as Amanda says, you are fucking awesome. To get help, please call the veterans crisis line at 1,800273, 8255. All right so here is the ending of Tyler's Fit to Fight Test. Woo! Get out of here! 16, 17, 18. Holy shit, 19, 20, my god, 21, he's very red, 22, 23, 24, wow. You ever seen him, X Mormon, this red I have in 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 30,

you're going too fast you still have like 25 seconds left. 31, 32, Jesus, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38. You hear you hear that breath guys? 39, 40, thirty-five, thirty-five, thirty-eight, you hear that breath guys? Thirty? Sling down a bit, 41, 42, 43, 44, oh 44, 44, holy holy shmoli, I guess he really is a dumb jock after all. That's the highest score in the military. That's the highest score in the military? You get the highest score if you can hit 44. Never gonna live this one down, guys. But I hit the high score in the military.

Damn, you're going very fast. If I pup, do I have to eat it? Yes. Because I'm about to. Jock, Jock. Dumb Jock. Dumb Jock. Duh. That's really hard. Are you exhausted? No. I'm fit to fight. Liz. Now go run around the pool. Mile and what is it, a mile and a half? I'm actually impressed. Your turn. What?

Right now? Can you all nervous? I'm never going to make 40. Give me your phone. I was shit talking you, but now. Oh my god. Guys, this is nervous. Oh, hit the floor, soldier. Okay, you're ready. Guys, this is your breath. Oh, hit the floor, soldier!

Okay, ready. Take a big deep breath. Okay, and go. Two, three, four, that's not close enough. Shut up, it is. Five. I'm going very far. Five. I'm going very far. Five.

Six. Seven. Eight, sort of. It's down. It's not down. Nine. Ten. Eleven.

I'm fit to fight. Twelve. 13. I'm sweating. I don't want to sweat through my jumper. 14. Or is hell, soldier. 15. 20 seconds left. 16. Come on Liz. 17. She just gave birth. 18. 18. 18. 18. 18. 19! Come on! Let me get her ass up! 19!

Nine! That was a lousy push up. That was not military. That is not military. 21. You are the... I'll give you 21. I'll give you 21. Which puts you high, which puts you high, the highest is 38.

That's the highest. High 21 push-ups. That's really good. We're all proud of you. Are we all proud of our? He tried to judge my form. He's proud of you. Don't jump. You are a bully. All right. That felt good though. I've already worked out today, by the way. So did I. Now we only have to do sit-ups and a mile and a half run. How many sit-ups?

I don't know what it is. To do, um, sit-ups to pass, you'd have to do 24 set-ups in a minute. Ready? How am I do 24 set-ups in a minute. Ready? Oh my... You're not doing set-ups. Nobody wants to see rest of the set-ups, too. And then a mile, a half run. All right.

All right. I feel my muscles working. I know. Why don't we, why don't you just, why doesn't everybody just do that once a day? It's a minute, just do as many push-ups as you can. Yeah. You guys, guess what? What? We're going to be back next week.

Next week? Yep, with another incredible story. Can I listen to it? You can. Wow. From the very funny, Ashley Teter, who has her own podcast actually, where she talks about being born into a cult. They said, we need people in different areas who are willing to allow services to be in their homes. And so my dad he volunteered and it's like services can be at my house and in real time

I remember watching how much he relished that. I knew this was not good for him. Eventually they sent an elder to us and that just did not fly with dad. He doesn't want to relinquish control. So dad decided he was going to start his own group, and he said he had to. Thank you all for beingtell their stories and we can't do it without the support of all of you. Yes, so please consider joining our Patreon so that we can continue to do this fine work. Yes, we are giving you episodes weekly and can only do that with the support of you, so we

are very grateful for everyone's support, including Sarah Glaskock and Jenny Welsh. Thank you guys. Thanks for being a part of the cult. Your Sash. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tion. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please, to. Please, to. Please. Please. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, their their and Jenny Welsh. Thank you guys. Thanks for being a part of the cult. Your sash is on order. It will be there. You just have to do a few more push-ups. Would you like it in teal? Or chartruse? Crimson, magenta. Was I in a cult is written, hosted and produced produced by me, Liz, the ground pounder. Acousie, what is a ground pounder? The ground pounder is someone who is a non-flyer who's in the air force, but doesn't go in the air. It's not the first thing I think of when I hear ground pounder, but okay.

And me, bag, drag, me some. It's when you unload your gear from an aircraft. It works best when you do it as a bucket brigade. Can we just acknowledge you didn't know what any of these terms are? I did not, but I did my research. I knew the, I knew the assignment and I followed it. Sound design and edit by Rob, Piddle Pack Parra. Do you guess what a Pittle Pack is? I'm guessing it's something you take a pittle in. Yes, it is. The suit that you can go pee-p-in while you're on a flight. I've been called worse.

Yeah, you know it's worse? A poopie suit. That's one that you can go number two. I'm surprised that hasn't crossed over to the mainstream public yet. It just did. It's going to be a long flight, honey. Be sure you're wearing your pittle pack. That's what it feels like getting older that that that that go on a road trip, like when I drove here, I put on my pittle pack. Should we make like, pittle packs from was I in a cold pittle pack?

It'll just say, you dumb fucking potato on the front? Feel free to pee. What about a shittle saddle? Rob has been thinking about what the poop version of that? For the past 20 minutes. Time, time, time, time, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, that, that, that, th, that, that, that's, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th, th, th, that's that's that's that's that's that's tho, that's that's that's, that's, tho, tho, tho, th, th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th thi. thi. that's that's that's thi. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thiiiii. that's thi. and a half. Time well spent, Rob. He's like, I got it. It's a shuttle saddle. Waste not a second of your life. Jokes on you, I got paid to do that.

I was going to say, we should all be fired, but we would have to fire ourselves. I'm this close to it. I'm dishonorably discharging you very soon, Tyler. Our social media maven is Shannie, hair on fire, Peyton. What does hair on fire mean? Hair on fire means... Let me guess, let me guess. You crash your plane and you need an SOS help. No, it means you're going really fast, but also you're a little reckless. You have a lack of control, which kind of fits Shanny, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. She got that and I got Fiddletack. Then you have our executive producer, Stephen Check Sixth, Chevue Sixth, check Sixth is like when your wingman says, check your Six,

which is behind you. It's like a clock. But why is the six? Ah, 12 is straight ahead. Right, right. Nine. Check your six six, th. There, th. There, th. There, th. There, th. There, th. There, th. There, th. There, th. There, th. There, th. Check your six, th. Check, th. Check, th. Check, th. Check, th. Check, th. Check, th. Check, th. Check, th. Check, th. Check your six, th. Check th. Check th. Check th. Check th. Check th. Check, is, is, check. Check, check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check, check. Check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, th. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check, th. Check, th. Check, th. Check, th. Check, th. Check your six, thi. Check your six, six. Check your six, six. Check your six, six, six. Check your six. Check your six, six. Check your six. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check. Check., right, right. Nine, three. Check your six. There's a bogey. Maverick. I gotta check my three. I've got a push up, a man who can do too many push-ups to my right. So do you engineer is Stacy's speed of heat, para. What's the difference between hair feeling the speed of heat baby.

Yeah baby. And I buzz the tower. And our video engineer is Gabby mud mover wrap, which what is a mud mover, Tyler? It's an air-to-ground fighter plane. I don't, I just, I didn't, don't take this personally, I just found a few things. And on that depressing note, we're going to end the episode. Wrap it up. Crucify me. Don't spare my life. Crucify me.