Was I In A Cult? - Women Only Secret Society (NXIVM) PT1: “The Magic Sauce” (UPDATE)

Episode Date: September 30, 2024

**NOTE: This episode originally aired in 2021** When the LA party scene didn't fit Jessica's lifestyle anymore, she replaced martinis and after-hour clubs with green juices and tonic bars. But the reemergence of a childhood trauma forced her to examine her inner self. One day, a friend told her about a class that could improve her life even more. That class turned out to be part of a larger entity. A self-empowerment company that purported to help you become the master of your own life. A little group called... NXIVM.  Find Jessica's book here  Follow us on Instagram/TikTok/FB: @wasiinacult  Have your own story? Email us: [e-mail]  Please support Was I In A Cult? Through Patreon (we appreciate the hell out of you guys): https://www.patreon.com/wasiinacult   Merch is here! www.wasiinacult.com 

Welcome to Was I In A Cult, everyone. This is me, Tyler. Tyler threesome meesome, if you do recall. That sticks. Our tried and true fans know what this is. Just because it rhymes. Yes, exactly. And for those who don't know me, I'm Liz Iacuzzi.

The Jacuzzi. I had some better nicknames growing up, but you know. We'll leave those, we'll let the dark web find those out. Exactly. So today we're going back, guys. This is an oldie, but a goodie. We're going way back to our very third episode of the show when we were just little virgin children,

little baby podcasters, and we were wondering if we would even find an audience or I'd be able to stand my voice for an entire episode. How's that working out for you? Well, it's my voice I can tolerate, it's yours. Yeah, obviously. It's really grating on me. It's the female voice that you can't stand.

Something, something something sarcasm. Just so those who know, we named our LLC something, something sarcasm. So thanks to the fan who said that about me. Tyler says great things and Liz, she just says something, something sarcasm. We'll take that because we're going to take that straight to the bank. To the bank. We did take it to the bank. We did actually did. We took it to the bank.

That's where we opened our account. That's true. And I will say, Tyler, you've evolved into quite the on-air talent and a diva, I might add. You're a diva. You always want purple M&Ms in your trailer. There is a reason why Led Zeppelin wanted purple M&Ms.

Editor's note, in a rare white male rock fumble from Tyler, it was actually Van Halen and Brown M&Ms. Also, in the time period that Van Halen would have been doing this, the 70s or 80s, the purple M&M didn't exist. Strangely enough, when M&Ms were initially introduced to the market in 1941, there was a purple M&M, but it was replaced in 1949 with the much more vibrant tan M&M All right back to Tyler who gets most of the rest of the story, right? But the fact of the matter is is they were quite brilliant because they also had a lot of you know

technical issues and stage issues on their writer. And they knew that if they didn't see green M&Ms only in the dressing room, then- And no one would be reading the rest of their requests. Yes. Yes. They knew that they weren't looking at everything else, so then they'd have to look and make sure that everything on the stage was taken care of. Yet here we are, guys, still standing, you know, three networks later, a lot of crazy behind the scenes BS. Yet here we are still making a show that we hope makes a difference

and helps people. I mean, after all, that is why we started this show to begin with. Well, we also have sponsors who send us free bread and kitty litter and weed. Right, and that, the perks of the job. But we also do enjoy telling incredible stories. And this episode today, guys, is just that. It's featuring the wonderful Jessica Joan, who was in NXIVM. Now, obviously, most of you listening have heard of NXIVM, but if you haven't, oh boy, buckle up.

Right. And since this episode aired, Keith Raniere, Uncle Keith, the founder, well, he's rotting in jail and Allison Mack, his victim turned accomplice, served about two years of her three-year sentence in jail and she was released in July of 2023, not too long ago. And now before we get into the episode, I was able to briefly catch up with Jessica just last week. And interestingly enough, Jessica was present at Allison's hearing and she read a very powerful victim impact statement to the jury.

And she shares some of that with us in her episode, which you guys will hear. And funny enough, she did the interview with us literally the day she got back from giving that victim statement. Crazy. Completely. And now three years later, she joined me for a quick update on all things Jessica, and here it is. And then right after that follows her original episode. Enjoy. Have fun guys. Take out your knife. Purify me.

Don't spare my life. Crucify me. The wonderful, incredible Jessica Joan is here with us again, guys. God, it's been forever. Forever and some. For those of you who haven't listened to all of our show, Jessica was our third episode, season one. God, that was thrilling. I mean, you hadn't really shared your story

in a big way, right? Yeah, you guys were the first ones that I felt, okay, I trust these people. I like them. This feels like a good space to get in deep. Yeah. And it was actually just right after I'd gotten back from New York from giving my victim impact statement for Allison's sentencing. Yes. Fresh. Right. Just like an emotional opening up,

vulnerable and just fresh. Now, here we are almost three years later, oh my God. Allison is now out of jail. How are you doing? I mean, in regards to that specifically, what I said during my victim impact statement during her sentencing, I still stand by what I said and I understand everyone has their own journeys and I don't hold any contempt towards her. Obviously, it was a very passionate statement

that I made, one that was supposed to encourage the amount of time that she would serve and She served the time that she needed to serve and I just don't really think about her much It's I'm in my own universe in my own life focused on what I'm here to do For those of you don't know we're talking about Jessica was in NXIVM and Keith Ranieri is rotting in jail. Is there any updates there? I haven't really stayed updated about it, but I do know that there were things of him needing to be separated at some points in time, but yeah, not really concerned about how he's going to spend his next 120 years in

prison. How has your healing journey sort of evolved since we last spoke? I needed to really get to know myself again outside of that experience and outside of the traumatic childhood that led to being in those experiences. And it's been a beautiful, painful, enlightening journey. And I can happily say I am in the best place that I've ever been in my life with my own inner peace, with my level of compassion, and just with my forward focus on the things I'm meant to do in this lifetime. Since then, I had a book which we talked about, which was The Untouchable Jessica Joan, which was the first version of my story. And at that time I had a whole team, I had all these people.

And truthfully, I think there was a timing that was sensitive for me to come out with a story. And unfortunately, where I had this PR team that was not serving me or committing to what they said they were, really had a clarity of vision of who I am. had a clarity of vision of who I am and it was a learning lesson that I had to go through, which allowed me to see that I could do it on my own and that I needed to do it on my own. Because at the time, I was still in a space where I needed more time to be who I am now. And I have my new book that's out, The Untouchable Jessica Joan, The Downfall of NXIVM. So I did that with no budget, no team, had a friend shoot the cover, had another friend help design the cover and learned how to format a book, which I'm not a very technically

savvy person. So it was a lot, but I did it. And I had a whole book launch party, actually around this time last year. And people that have read my book or have heard my story have shared how it impacted them and helped them heal or helped them want to go after and face their own abusers. I mean, the thing that I feel like is unique about my story but also not unique is the many different kinds of trauma that I experienced from sexual

abuse, getting into cult, having narcissistic parents, being someone who had to essentially raise yourself and have my own sense of resilience and intuition. People tell me, whoa that was so, I had to take a break, it was triggering my own traumas, oh my God, and so it's for people that have had traumas specifically in those areas or that can relate in one way or another, it's not just about a cult because it's so much bigger than a cult. And I know you have some cool projects,

you can't really say them out loud. Yeah, so I do have a lot of really exciting things coming to version and will be streaming next year, where I go deeper into my story in a much more intimate way in sharing. And then also I am back in my creative artist bag and been back in focusing on my acting, also writing a couple short films and other projects myself. So really excited on

the producing writer end as well. Stories that are either personal or just other people's stories that I believe in and wanting to put that into the world to create more inspiration for people. Oh, and then also I have my own podcast that we'll be airing soon called Love Spell that I'm doing with a very close girlfriend named Regine. And we're going into self mastery,

self love alchemy, relationships, coming from a space of how to really empower other women to remember their value and worth. When are you premiering your first episode? TBD, but by early next year. Okay, cool. We'll let our audience know. So for those who haven't heard your story on our show,

what do you wanna tell the people going in to listening to your two-part episode? If you haven't heard my episode yet on Was I an Occult? Who I was at that point in time, I was fresh off saying a lot from my heart and my vulnerability of what happened to me in NXIVM and also a deep dive into my personal history, my childhood traumas and how I persevered.

So it allowed me to come from not only a really vulnerable place, but a place of fun and truth and just sharing the wild ride that's been my life. You sort of were the impetus for our badasses for these shows. She was one of our first badasses. And then of were the impetus for our badasses for these shows. She was one of our first badasses, and then we were like, you know what? We're just gonna have badasses on the show

because it's more fun. Enjoy her episode, and it's so great to see you. Thank you. I love you guys, and I appreciate you and your support, and we're just here shedding light and being badasses together. All right, read our book guys, listen to our podcast and here is Jessica's story, part one.

Enjoy it. Hey everyone, this is Tyler. You know, I love to read and I love to watch documentaries and these are just two great ways in which I gain knowledge. But sometimes the best way to learn something is to just sit and have a conversation with an interesting human being. But let's be honest, how many interesting people do you personally know and how often can you have a conversation with them?

But what you can do is listen to others have interesting and knowledgeable conversations, which is why I listen to the podcast, The Silver Linings Handbook. The Silver Linings Handbook is a weekly podcast where host Jason Blair, a former journalist who worked with the New York Times, the Boston Globe, and the Washington Post and now works in mental health, interviews intelligent people from all walks of life. Areas of focus include mental health, true crime, religion, culture, and feature people who are often underrepresented in the mainstream media.

In fact, several episodes explore the impact of religious trauma on individuals, including through the eyes of religious leaders. And Jason, the host, is innately curious, but he also brings an empathetic perspective to interviews based on the idea that suffering is the one thing that is universal and that we all have an opportunity to help others learn and grow from our experiences and theirs. So listen to some conversations that inspire on the podcast Silver Linings Handbook. Subscribe to Silver Linings Handbook wherever you listen to podcasts. This guy was as cold and calculated as they come.

Maybe we weren't going to get it solved. It was like the epitome of innocence that had been preyed upon. This is a case that has no evidence. We didn't have DNA. We didn't have fingerprints. Step inside the court of law with the new true crime podcast, American Justice. We realized we have four men who answered the same ad

for a job on a farm. My brother Ralph went to interview and he was never seen again. A podcast that explores impactful crimes and reveals how our justice system works. You have to consider that there are more possibilities than one. And sometimes how it doesn't. We have to find whoever this monster is. Go in depth into chilling cases and their conclusions in this new true crime series.

You just have a pit in your stomach thinking how many people are we going to find. New episodes of American Justice are available every Wednesday, wherever you get your podcasts. Please note, this episode contains strong language and sexual situations. On October 27, 2020, in a federal court in Brooklyn, New York, a man stood awaiting sentencing after being convicted of seven total charges, including two counts of sex trafficking. Fifteen women stood and gave heartbreaking testimony of financial coercion, fraud, mental manipulation, and sexual abuse. One woman even testified that this particular man abused her when she was 15 years old and forced her to keep her weight under 100 pounds. As the horror stories unfolded, the man in question sat, listened, and then denied all allegations.

That man was Keith Raniere. Years prior, the warrant for his arrest stated that he knowingly and intentionally recruited, enticed, harbored, transported, obtained, patronized, and solicited persons. That warrant listed two women, Jane Doe number one and Jane Doe number two. Ladies and gentlemen, I am thrilled to introduce to you Jane Doe number two. We get there, the bus stop. It's pitch black. It's snowing.

It's cold. We're in the middle of nowhere. I just thought, who the fuck is playing volleyball right now? But I was really excited to meet Keith. So when I met him, I had this huge emotional breakdown. And I started crying. And he holds my hand, sits me down at this little bench area, and he's like, why are you so emotional right now?

I said, I'm meeting someone who cares enough about humanity that wants to change it in a positive way and I'm just really emotionally moved right now. He just held my hand and was just like, I'm glad that you're here. No one wakes up going like, oh, I want to join a cult today. ["Was I in a Cult?" by The Cuts plays.] Welcome to Was I in a Cult? He meant to say, join us on Was I in a Cult? Yes, join us, please, and never leave. Never leave us.

Tell them who am I. This is Liz Iacuzzi. She is my very funny co-host. Funny with a question mark? No, it was a question mark and an exclamation mark. Oh, it was an intro bang. An intro bang, which for you listeners who don't know, that is an actual form of punctuation. They don't also know that I am the intro bang of podcast hosts.

And what am I? My grammar efficient co-host, Tyler Meason. He's like the ellipses of podcast hosts. Great, because you just want to pull sections of what I say right out and compress them. Incorrect, because we always want more Tyler and you leave us on the edge of our seats. We're kind of screwing up this episode already, Liz. Because it's a lot of pressure. Right.

You know, the perfect intro banter. I don't know how we could not not screw it up, Tyler. It's a double negative. Bing. It's very cult leader, patois of you. Patois? Are you just already trying to impress the audience with your... That's seven years of community college right there, coming through.

Let's stop with the tell. Yes. Get to the show. Sure thing. Who are we speaking with today? Well, today we're talking with Jessica Joan. Jessica Joan is a former member of the group Nexium. How do you spell Nexium?

N-X-I-V-M for some reason, which we may get into. This is a self-help group that was very recently exposed, and if you've been watching, there's been a decent amount of press regarding it of late. Just a little. If you ever turn on the news.com app. Or any documentary. Or open your eyes. And Jessica is a key player in some of the stuff that's transpired.

Oh, you're teasing us, Liz. I'm such a tease. In fact, the day she got off a plane from a certain someone's sentencing. Teasing, teasing. She drove right to our studio to give us her exclusive story. Now I feel special. I also feel special. This is what it must be like to be in a cult.

And the beginning, yes. Speaking of beginnings, shall we? Oh, let's see what you did there. Okay, take it away, Jessica. I am Jessica Joan, author, actress, producer, poet, Avenger. I grew up in Orange County. I had a very cushy upbringing. It was really nice. I went to Toys R Us all the time, and we like a nice house and marble floors and like a chandelier. And so my dad, he grew up in

the Philippines and came here. I was definitely a daddy's girl but also my mom loved me and she was a nurse for babies in the ICU. So she's actually has a huge heart, so much light and charisma. But it wasn't long before things took a turn in their happy home. My parents had their own journey. Basically, my dad was manufacturing and producing drugs in our home. Like some Breaking Bad shit. Oh. It was a bath kitchen. Sadly a nurse's salary couldn't compete, so her mother left the nursing world and got swept up in the drug game too.

And she was hooked. Not only did she love to sell it, but she loved to do it, cook it. Yeah, do it, cook it, sell it, manufacture it, send it across the country. I grew up in that kind of environment. But one day when Jessica was just five or six years old, her mom up and left. No note or anything. She was a young mom, now addicted to her own product. And as Jessica puts it,

Parents leave, people leave, shit happens. She was just doing her own thing. Caught up in the drug game and she is a narcissist. Also, she's a natural born hustler. Like she's pretty gangster, to be honest. So now my dad, a lot of what he did was take care of his three small children. Which meant continuing to be Walter White.

For the record, you guys, Jessica's dad is no longer dealing meth and he has completely turned his life around. She's actually quite close with him today. Thanks for clearing that up and being the bright side, Liz. You're welcome. But when Jessica was just 10 years old, this was about five years after her mother left. The SWAT team came to my house in fifth grade. I just got out of the shower. My cousin was singing Britney Spears or something.

We had a little karaoke, laser-diss situation. And it was just like, everyone on the ground. Put your hands up! Put your hands up on the ground! In my towel, like, okay, this is happening. And then like, eventually seeing my dad get taken away in cuffs, and then we go with Child Protective Services. So, with a father in jail and a mother on the lam, one who eventually landed in federal prison herself,

my grandparents ended up adopting us, saving Jessica and her siblings from the pitfalls of the American foster care system. We moved to the city of Tustin Ranch. So it was really nice. Tustin Ranch is in Orange County, California. You know, I'm going to the school feeling kind of a little bit like the black sheep because how do I tell these friends what my life really is? Because they're like, oh, where's your parents? And so I basically had to start living a double life, essentially.

So I've been really good at being able to be a chameleon and to be able to go into any room or situation and know how to fit in. So after high school... I went to Orange Coast College, which is like the beachy community college. There was a teacher. She was incredible. She always only wore purple. She would swear.

She read my palm. And she said, yeah, you're like meant to be doing these big things, but you're off your path. Jessica didn't know what that meant at the time, but her words resonated. This spiritually inclined teacher also taught Jessica reiki, reiki, roki, ruku, reiki, raking. Apparently, this is a form of hands-on energy healing that I don't want anything to do with.

I'm going to rake you right now. Good, because the leaves are all over the front lawn. So this is when I really got introduced to these higher awareness education. And actually, that's the first time that I watched What the Bleep Do You Know, which is Mark Vicente's documentary. Dear listener, please file that little piece of information away for later. Getting exposed to all these other things like Reiki or quantum physics definitely led me on that thirst for more knowledge and truth.

I had a friend that I made. She wanted to be an actress. Her name was Kitty. And she wanted to move to LA. And I thought, great, this is my ticket out of here. I was 18. So she dropped out of college and moved to the land of forbidden fruit and nuts. Me and Kitty were just thrust into the Hollywood clubbing scene now.

And she hit it hard. You go to a club and then you're going to an after party. It's all about the after party. And then you're hungover. Then maybe you're at a brunch. Who knows? Or you're at a pool somewhere. Doing Runyon Canyon. Getting your fucking green smoothie. All these mansions, Hollywood Hills, champagne, celebrities, whatever. I'm just going along for the ride. She was a hostess, waited tables at various trendy LA restaurants while also pursuing modeling and acting gigs. The first person ever do that in LA, wait tables and pursue modeling and acting gigs. Shucker. Mm-hmm. But somewhere through the glitz and the glam, she started to see the truth. To like see all of these people that on the outside look like they have everything, but

inside be really sad, really lonely, really insecure. A lot of drug addiction problems. And then one day, she was having a conversation with a friend, and he asked her about her mom. And as soon as I said, mom, I threw up. I was like, holy shit, what's going on? Sometimes all it takes is a small moment to create a big shift.

I was just repressing everything. Ran away from home, can't deal with my family. I was also dealing with the fact that I had been sexually abused. And I go, oh, there's some shit I need to deal with. So, just like that? I stopped partying, and then I ended up moving to the Palazzo, walking distance to Erewhon. And this is when Erewhon was like very trendy.

And so instead of going to a club or a bar, I'd go to the tonic bar. Okay. What is Erewhon? Erewhon, spelled E-R-E-W-H-O-N, Erewhon. Right. What is that? It's this trendy, overpriced health food store in LA. Kind of makes Whole Foods look like Walmart. All the cool kids go there and spend way too much on fresh press juices and raw organic baby buffalo milk.

And the only way you can be a part of this community is to spend $175 on lunch. How pretentious. You shop there, don't you, Liz? I love Air 1. So then I was drinking tonics and having superfood smoothie things. One of my friends told me about colonics and I will say that that really changed my life. I'm just on this path of enlightenment, actively seeking these things. Knowing that I had all these traumas and that I'm like, okay, I gotta fix this shit.

So my former best friend, her and I were both very much into personal development. We were always reading books, going to seminars, and she told me about a presentation at her house about something that could be beneficial for you. A simple presentation about bettering your life, right? Sounds innocent enough. Mm-hm. I'm like, okay, cool.

Let's see what this is. Also, there's gonna be snacks. Ooh, snacks. Snacks, Tyler's in. Sign me up. So I watch this presentation, you know, they're writing all this stuff on like the white pieces of paper

and basically explaining ESP, which is executive success program. But everyone knows it as Nexium. Nexium started as a self help multi level marketing company back in the late 90s. And it was led by a man named Keith Raniere. But why the name Nexium is what does that mean? Well, the meaning of the name is still unclear, but I did a little research. Get this. There's this word NXIVM, N-E-X-U-M. And NXIVM was a debt bondage contract in the early Roman Republic.

Like 500 BC. Exactly. And the debtor pledged his person as collateral if he defaulted on a loan. Meaning? Meaning if someone defaulted on a loan, they would become a slave to the person who loaned them the money. Got it. Dear listeners, also file that information away for later. It's a lot of remembering they have to do. It's a lot of work, this podcast. We actually take pleasure in having a smart audience.

Yeah. If you don't like words like 500 BC or that other French word that I used earlier today, a trois. A trois. Just turn off the tape. Leave right now. So, King Predator, my name for... Keith. Yeah, that guy.

He likely dropped the E, moved the X over, added an I, and changed the U to a V. And therefore, nexum becomes nexium. But as Jessica mentioned, at the presentation, she was introduced to their Executive Success Program. Also known as ESP. Which is a track that falls under the nexium umbrella. It's how most people get initially involved. ESP is a series of workshops designed to activate human potential.

It's their personal development,itarian Ethics-Based Human Potential Curriculum course. Oy! They could have used some help on that title. What do you mean? Personal Development Humanitarian Ethics-Based Human Potential Curriculum course. That's so long. Super easy to read. Uh-huh, rolls off the tongue. The presentation was quite intriguing.

The pitch was perfect, and the room was filled with positive energy and excitement. And snacks. Yes, Tyler, and snacks. They actually had a lot of fervor and a lot of passion. We were really, like, turned on. and a lot of passion, we were really like turned on. And then a little serendipity entered the room. Mark Vicente was there. Mark is the director of the documentary

What the Bleep Do We Know? The movie Jessica watched in college with her magical teacher who read her poem and told her she was meant to be doing big things but was off her path. I already have respect for him and he has a certain level of clout, you know, in him talking about this. It's very difficult for me to truly explain the experience of this curriculum and I do my very best. Where it goes from here is staggering. This really is just typically ice-moving.

So basically what they said was like, hey, we have this patent pending technology and curriculum that can help you get rid of your limitations. The curriculum purports to rid you of your bad habits and limiting beliefs so that you can become the best version of yourself, living with more joy and less pain. That doesn't sound too terrible. Everyone has limiting beliefs that hold us back in some capacity. Oh yeah? what are yours? That my blonde hair means I'm stupid.

It doesn't mean that. You know, Liz, at least I don't pay for mine. Hey, I pay a lot of money to look stupid, Tyler, which I guess means I am. But limiting beliefs are commonplace. Thoughts like I don't deserve to be loved, I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, not smart enough, not successful enough. I mean, everyone can relate to that. You reading from your journal, Tyler?

It's a diary, Liz. It's like you want to lose weight, but something always happens. You start eating this or you stop working out. Those things are your blocks and this technology will help you remove that so you can actually reach your highest potential. I was like, this sounds a little too good to be true, like really? But also, could this be something that actually can do that? Ah, the what-if game reminds me of my favorite quote about love. It goes, it is a risk to

love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does? It's lovely. Do you know that quote? No. My favorite quote about love is, I once fell in love with the wrong person. That's my favorite quote about love. And it's funny because it's true. So the presentation. The presentation. We knew this presentation wasn't going to stop at a slideshow and snacks. Of course not. It was just a teaser for what they were really selling, which was a 16-day

ESP workshop broken up into parts. The first five days were taught in Los Angeles. Cheska's interest was piqued, but there was a catch. The first five days, like, four grand? So I'm like, oh, this is a little pricey. But also, is it priced this much because you're actually gonna get the results? As she vacillated, the coaches gave her an incentive. If you turn in your application now, it is cheaper.

So she said, screw it. She filled out the application and turned in her $500 deposit, which guaranteed her a discount. I was trying to get and turned in her $500 deposit, which guaranteed her a discount. I was trying to get that deal, like $500 cheaper. But when she got home, she still felt uneasy about her decision. I thought about it, consulted my boyfriend at the time. He was like, if they really want to help people, why does it cost that much? He was trying to warn me from the beginning. So Jessica had a change of heart.

She wanted her money back. You see, she had been saving for a much awaited trip to Hawaii. So she's like, I don't want to spend fucking four grand on this. I could be chilling in Hawaii. So she calls Mark Vicente and says she wants her money back. Now Mark's years deep in this thing at this point, okay? He's a top recruiter and coach for the group, and his manipulation tactics are now black belt level.

He was like, hey, you could go on vacation, and it would be healing. But you know that feeling? That'll still be there. And I was like, fuck. how do you know about the feeling? Fucking ninja shit, right? And he said, there's only been one person ever that wanted their money back after this

and we gave it to them. So if you are not satisfied, we will give it back to you. Yeah, well, what the bleep does he know? So now I have nothing to lose. If this sucks, I get my money back. So I was like, okay, fuck it. What's the worst that can happen? I spend a few thousand dollars, five days of my life.

What if this is actually helpful? Everything happened very quickly. I took my first five day in August of 2016. And it felt like going to the first day of school. Excitement, nervousness, you don't know what to expect. And I did it with my former best friend and another friend. We're all in it together. Getting cute, we're like, oh my God. The five day workshop was held in a casting space

in Culver City, California. They provided breakfast snacks and like a little coffee. Snacks and coffee? I'm way in. Do you get fed at home, Tyler? The kind of people that showed up for this intensive was such a wide range of different kind of individuals. It was so beautiful.

You have someone who is like a high level production designer. You have a stylist. You have someone who is like a high-level production designer. You have a stylist. You have a teacher. You have a millionaire CEO. You have this more hippie woman. So they're not all lost, vulnerable, weak lemmings. Interesting. They attracted such beautiful people, people that wanted to excel.

And it really felt like, yo, we have the magic sauce. We want to share the magic sauce with you so you can be super happy and we can all have magic sauce. Right, right. I wanted to believe it was possible. That's why, like I said, it sounded a little too good to be true. Like really? This is what's going to stop me from my limitations.

But at that moment, it was true. It was incredible. I had some really powerful, deeply healing experiences. They had a great curriculum. There were so many great tools, like videos with Nancy Salzman, who was the CEO. Executive success programs is a human potential program. We called it executive success programs, not because it's only geared for executives in business, although it's very good for executives in business.

What we want to do is we want to be successful by executing, by following through, by being proactive in our lives. A former nurse, Nancy co-founded Nexium with Keith in 1998. She was known as Prefect and was the second most powerful person in the cult. All right, so Nancy is Prefect. Why? Funny you ask. I did a little investigating and I'm not sure what exactly is right, but I have my own theories. Lay it on me, sis.

Okay. Keith was known as Vanguard. So everyone referred to him as that. Now some say Vanguard is from like a video game that he liked. Others refer to Vanguard's definition of a trailblazer of new ideas. But when you look up Vanguard, one definition is the front part of an army. Okay? And the term Vanguard originates with the medieval French avant-garde, also known as the advanced guard. Okay?

I'm downloading what you're sending. Remember the theory on the NXIVM name, Ancient Rome, NXIVM becomes NXIVM? I'm sensing a theme. Right. So some of the military tactics of Ancient Rome were when the soldiers were marching, the legion would deploy in columns with a what leading them. I'm guessing a vanguard. You guessed right. And prefect. Prefect comes from the Latin

prefectus, meaning put in front. Okay, a prefect is a title referring to the leader of an administrative area. But again, Tyler, in the Roman Empire, prefectus was the formal title of many low to high ranking military officials. But here's the interesting part. These officials didn't have any authority on their own accord. Their authority was conferred by delegation from a higher authority. Understand? I'm trying to keep up. Someone higher up had to give them permission to assert their power. Right. Someone like a vanguard. A vanguard.

Right. I think you have cracked the case, Veronica Mars. You are a genuinely good Wikipedia user. But real talk, who knows if I'm... You could be right. And I think it's a good theory. Thank you. Okay. So, Nancy. The Prefect. She's saying like, what is the law? What is happiness?

Asking these questions and then would break off into these small groups and have a discussion about it. So we are dedicating from 8 a.m. to like 8 p.m. time to really reflect on ourselves, our thoughts, what we believe in life. So that's really powerful. The ESP course curriculum included these things called modules, which are essentially explorations of various subjects and limiting beliefs. There could be modules around fear, pain, love, etc. There's a module about success. What is success? What does success mean to you? Really breaking this stuff down. What are laws? What are rules? So you were brought to question things. And then they had this technology called EMs.

EM is exploration of meaning. This is where the group leader, also known as the proctor, would work one-on-one with an individual's trauma. But they would do it in a public setting, in front of everyone. Say someone was afraid of bees, like super terrified of bees, severe trauma around it. And so when she got her EM, the proctor would take the individual back to the earliest memory of her fear of bees. They were asking questions like, how are you feeling at this time? Basically reframing the memory so the person could have this realization

that that whole bee fear was irrational. So the tech that they had was really high level. This kind of technique is nothing new. It's basically cognitive behavioral therapy. But by doing it publicly, this was a high-level manipulation to make members more vulnerable and have them reveal emotional truths about themselves. Which could be used later as a weapon. I was having an EM working out something that had to do with my relationship at the time. And the proctor took me through the EM. Asking her various questions related to love, relationships, and her boyfriend.

And then I just had this breakthrough where the whole room just turned white. Like this is like some Matrix shit. I felt like I was on a hallucinogen. I just went to a new level. My brain exploded. I realized, oh my God, this relationship right now is existing because a lot of it is like a shared trauma and a shared codependency.

This is actually holding both of us back. The reality is the relationship was deteriorating on its own. This intense revelation came after just five days, the only five days she had paid for to this point. But actually... It's a total of a 16-day course, broken up into a five-day and an 11-day. Well, isn't that convenient. But now Jessica is hooked.

Oh my god. After the five days, I was so high on life. I made all these new friends. I'm feeling heard and seen for the first time. And I feel like I have the magic sauce. And I want to finish the 16 days. I'm like, I don't care about the money. I just want to take more courses. I wanted my boyfriend at the time to take it. I'm like, please take this. It's going to help you with your issues.

He still didn't trust the program and declined. But it didn't matter because Jessica had a new love, Nexium. It gave me the courage and the reasoning behind what I would do next. We broke up. And now Jessica was talking about Nexium to every one of her friends. The organization, like many cults, rewards recruitment. It's how you move up the ranks. You want to be a top proctor?

Get more butts in the seats. And for Jessica, recruitment came naturally. When I love something, I love to promote it. I'm like, oh my god, have you had this smoothie? It is the best smoothie. I just want people to feel as good as I feel. So I went on a whole fucking rampage. But very few of her friends were receptive. They just all of a sudden stopped returning my calls.

But that didn't matter. She had a whole new group of friends in NXIVM that were finally speaking her language. Now these people that were once strangers know more about me than my closest friends and family. And not only am I in the safe space to share, I'm also witnessing them get so vulnerable. And so for me, that was so exciting because my life prior with the whole Hollywood thing, my soul was dying. And I didn't have a community of people that were asking these kind of questions. So for me, I was like, I am in emotional sharing heaven. My foot was on the gas and now I just shifted into a new gear.

Over this period, Jessica got close with one of the leading women in the group. Andi Oxenberg. She was one of the leaders at Jessica's intro presentation. She was helping me process because now I'm raw, I'm open. She told me that there was something she was really excited to share with me. India said she would tell her this amazing secret, but only in person, in Albany, New York, which just so happened to also be where the last 11 of the 16 days were taking place. She was priming me.

You see, Nexium, they had locations all over the world, but… The home base was Albany. That's where Keith lived. That was like the Mecca. But at this point, it wasn't going to require any convincing to keep her taking the ESP classes. A few more thousand dollars anteed up for five more days felt reasonable considering the benefits she felt the experience was giving her. The next set of classes were in November 2016, just two months after her first five-day course. So me and my former best friend wanted to go and they're like, you can stay in this house. Remember this house.

Remember this house people. So Jessica and her friend fly to New York City and take a bus through upstate New York. Bypassing all the fun things to do and going straight for snooze land. And this is at night time when we're crossing through there's just nothing. That's very rural. And we like see these government buildings. I'm like, where are we? It's surreal. We get there, the bus stop. It's pitch black.

It's snowing. It's cold. I'm exhausted. And who was there to greet her? None other than India Oxenberg, picking them up in a little black BMW. She's like, oh, we're gonna head to volleyball. It was 1030, almost 11. I just thought,

who the fuck is playing volleyball right now? So for those who don't know, the leader, Keith Ranieri, he loved volleyball, and the group would often meet multiple times a week, but often late at night. Let's back up to when Jessica was initially told about Keith Renieri. This was at her first five-day course in Los Angeles. In the five-day, there's a lot of weird ritual-type things where you have these sashes, like in karate, yeah? White belt, you're brand new, so these different colors signifying how far up you've gone. Like in karate, mm-hmm, sure.

Well that was the justification for it. You see, sashes are really just a way to get you to recruit more members and get more money from you by keeping you paying dues and taking classes ad infinitum. Explain. Well, they call it the Stripe Path. Once you start out, you're given a white sash. Now you earn stripes on your sash when you… Recruit new members? Bingo.

And these sashes look like… Well, they're like scarves, tacky table runners. I mean, they're just a cheap sateen fabric. Like your prom dress, Tyler? Mm-hmm. So you had to earn a certain amount of stripes on your sash before you advanced to the next color on the stripe path and that moves you up in the hierarchy. Cults love a hierarchy. So after white is yellow and yellow is when you get to work for free for NXIVM and become a coach. From coach you then then move up to proctor, then counselor, leading ultimately to gold. But there was only one gold ever,

and that was reserved for prefect. Nancy Salsman herself. And while you do get a minimum salary to be a proctor and a counselor, you are actually paying up to 25 times as much in dues, so. It's an honest day's pay for an honest day's work right there, Tyler. It sure is, Liz.

All right, now you've learned it. Back to Jessica's intro to Keith at her very first five day class. They put pictures up, one of Keith and one of Nancy. And so before we'd start the class, we would have to like bow, like, thank you, Vanguard, thank you, prefect. But again, in martial arts, it's a sign of respect. You still in Tyler? There's still snacks.

So basically what they do in the beginning is they indoctrinate you with this belief that Keith is this super high IQ, black belt martial artist, humanitarian, incredible being. He's basically like the Buddha. Tell us more, Nancy Salzman. The Guinness Book of World Records said that he was one of the top scorers on an IQ test ever given. One of the top three problem solvers in the world. He learned French, German, and English

before he learned to read. So that's what you think. And then you have this incredible experience with this curriculum. You're like, wow, this one guy created this because he wants to change the world. And he always wore a white sash because he was forever a student. What a douchebag. Cults often do this with their leaders. They position them as untouchable, godlike geniuses creating and intoxicating allure. Apparently, despite his self-proclaimed genius, Keith's GPA was 2.26.

Oh, well, he's got me beat. And here's Keith talking about NXIVM in all his brilliance. Most of what we say makes sense. It's not grounded in mysticism at all. It's not grounded in a lot of things that maybe are highly effective but are unexplainable. I think we have quite potent tools, and I think our tools are unique.

I was really excited to meet Keith. For me, I thought this guy created this incredible curriculum, but not only that, he's supposed to be high IQ, fucking world solver of problems. I thought, he wants to change the world. I want to change the world. Yo, I need to meet this guy. What's up? What are we doing? So even though it's almost 11 p.m. and they've had a long day of travel, Jessica's along for the ride. We pull up to the sports barn. We're going to volleyball, whatever that even means.

It was just so weird and strange that I was curious then. She walks in and there he is, the great and powerful Keith Renieri in all his glory. He was really short and had his glasses and had a whole little volleyball outfit on, polo and shorts and knee pads. I don't remember if he had a headband or not, but that was part of his volleyball attire. All these people would come to volleyball to watch him. He'd play and then he'd take these little breaks. People were waiting in like a long line to talk to him.

And so he'd take a break, go on like a little mini walk within the volleyball perimeter and chat to them. I was actually off to the side with India and India was like, oh, I wanna introduce you. And his short sweaty body, I'm sure, was massively intimidating. He was actually very underwhelming in person, but I had created this whole idea of who he was,

what he meant to me, what he represented. So when I met him, I had this huge emotional breakdown. And I like started crying. And he comes to me and he holds my hand, sits me down at this little bench area and he's like, why are you so emotional right now? I said, because I had such a great experience with ESP and I'm just really emotionally moved right now that you created that and it helped me so much.

He just held my hand and was like, I'm glad that you're here. That was pretty much it. He had to resume volleyball. It felt comforting. It felt like I was being cared for. Jessica believes that his initial nurturing behavior was entirely on purpose. He was eating that up. He's like, oh my god, my little lamb.

So after volleyball, Jessica is taken to the house where they are told they could stay. I told you guys to remember that house. Well, that's because this is a house owned by a woman named Allison Mack. And you should remember that name too. This house was kind of like a sorority house. Lots of Nexium participants lived in this house, which lines up. Jessica described the Nexium community in Albany like its own little mini college campus. It's like this humanitarian university. People were coming from all over the world

to take these courses. So we stayed in this basement. For free. But remember my friends, nothing is ever free when it comes to cults. Normally people would pay, but me and my friend for some reason didn't have to pay because we were friends with India.

What Jessica didn't understand at the time was that there was a whole master plan happening. So the next morning, I start the continuation of the 11 day and now there's a whole hodgepodge of all these amazing people. A lot of them were very attractive too, which was very interesting. Just like a little note. We're all bonding under the guise of wanting to improve ourselves and humanitarianism. So I'm having an incredible time meeting beautiful people, sharing, feeling on fire. She went through days of modules, classes, and EMs, but she had only paid for the first 11 days of the 16-day course.

Similar to after the five day in LA, Jessica felt alive in a way she hadn't felt in a long time. Maybe even ever. I was now feeling like I don't want to leave. I'm having an amazing time. I want to stay. I'm feeling really sad. The FOMO is kicking in. FOMO? Fear of missing out, Tyler.

I just don't understand this acronym generation. Y-T-W. Okay, what's that? You totally wouldn't. Did you make that up? B-T-J. What? Back to Jessica.

Yes, let's go back to Jessica. Okay, so Jessica has completed all of the classes that she has paid for. But before she's set to leave Albany, she returns to the sports barn one more time. I go to volleyball, Keith was there. You don't get to just chat with Keith unless you're special. You don't even see Keith. Like, you get a Keith sighting if you see him walking around Clifton Park.

He's the Buddha. But tonight she must have been the special one because he spoke to her one-on-one. He was like, how's the course going? I go, it's going great. I'm gonna leave though. And he's like, or you could just stay. And I'm thinking, yeah, motherfucker,

well, your course is really expensive. Are you paying for this? I'm just getting irritated. Now we're no longer dealing with expert manipulator Mark Vicente. We're dealing with Machiavelli himself, Mr. Ranieri. And then he says, are you the master of your life or is your life the master of you? And that was all he had to say.

I just went through my brain really quick. I'm having an amazing time. I have nothing to go back to at home that's like more fulfilling than what I'm doing right now. Am I the master of my life? I'm just gonna stay. I'm just gonna figure it out. So she gets a loan from a woman she had met in the group. The financial abuse is picking up steam. She now has to go into debt to afford to stay. But sometimes we see things how we want to see them and for Jessica she saw this as a sign. Now I'm like, wow, the universe is really conspiring for me to stay.

So I stay. For the last six days of ESP work. Now I'm reflecting on it. It was totally set up for that to happen in that way. Yeah, so subtle. And it totally changed the trajectory of my life, that one moment. Okay, so Jessica is now fully committed to the full 16 days.

For the first part of the course, you're working on your fears, traumas, and limiting beliefs. Dealing with your insecurities, going to the messy parts of yourself. But the second half is a different experience, and it was called the Magnificent Series. The names they give these things. And the Magnificent Series was like, we're supposed to be feeling good. Like, okay, I'm not a shitty person. There it is, the typical break you down so they can build you back up again cult tactic.

Group therapy on crack. Like, not even crack, like on acid. And it was inspiring for Jessica. It wasn't just women that were having emotional experiences. Some of these men that were the proctors leading the group were doing the EMs and really getting in there with my personal intimate details. And I can see the love and empathy in their eyes. Just so willing and open to talk about feelings. And they weren't just emo dudes either. They weren't like betas.

There was a lot of alphas that were just being open. That's something even important in cultivating a healthy society is men that are tapped into their vulnerabilities. That's how you become a whole person. And after a few days of the courses being taught by various proctors, in walks the NXIVM celebrity. Allison Mack ended up being a proctor during the last three days for the magnificent series. For those who don't know, Allison is a Hollywood actress best known for her leading role on CW show

Smallville. Oh I look forward to never seeing that show. Here's a very telling clip. But that still doesn't answer why you're only wearing my football jersey. I want to make you my number one priority. I would do anything for you. Things to help relieve your stress. Is it soup or is it art, Tyler? Oh, I don't understand what you just meant. Yes, you do. Oh, it's Warhol.

Yeah. I get it. Okay. So after three days of working with Allison, Jessica had completed the 16-day course and was given a sash. I was a white sash, but I had one of the red stripes because I finished the 16-day. By recruiting, you would then get your second red stripe And speaking of recruiting remember when India told Jessica she had a secret to tell her in Albany. I do

She's like, okay, let's go on this walk because you know, that's what everyone does in Albany everyone's walking and She tells me about this thing that she's been in for over a year, something else that's even better and more transformative than her whole time in NXIVM. Mind you, India had been in NXIVM for like, I don't know, nine years. Also too, her mom is like this famous actress. Her grandma's a princess of Yugoslavia, so her network is very vast. On this walk, she tells me about this woman's only

mentorship program, and that it's ran by very affluent, successful women. She's like, it's a secret society. When she met me, she saw how strong I was. I thought this whole thing was like ninja badass woman training camp. You know, I'm like, holy shit, sign me up. That's when she tells me, if you want to know more,

you have to submit three pieces of collateral. Financial, family, and reputation. That's like a membership only club, or a sorority. They're secrets. It also made it seem more exclusive. Ooh, only certain people are allowed to be in this. And it felt safe coming from little India. I wasn't afraid of her. She is this like blonde bunny rabbit looking from Malibu. I didn't feel anything evil or nefarious coming from her.

We already built all this trust. So yeah, I basically joined after that. I knew it as the vow, the actual name is Das. And then things really escalated after that. ["Dos"] Thank you all for listening. But wait, I want more of that story. Oh, you're going to get more, Tyler, on the next episode of Was I in a Cult? They have all this money, they have all this collateral.

I didn't know how dangerous they were. Where we get to hear how Jessica untangles herself from this toxic web... ...of lies, deceit, and betrayal... We've led the audience to the water. Now let them drink. The Kool-Aid? Oh, will they drink it, is the question.

Perhaps. Again, I'm your co-host, Tyler Meechum. You don't actually have to say your name again, Tyler. You just said my name again, Liz Ayacuzzi. Oh Until next time and remember when given the choice between Hawaii and an overpriced self-help course Always choose Hawaii Aloha bitches Take out your knife, purify me. Don't spare my life, crucify me. Was I in a Cult is a production of iHeart Radio and is story produced, written, and hosted by

Liz Ayacuzzi and Tyler Meesam. Executive producer is Maya Cole. Supervising producer is Catherine Burt Canton. Audio editor is Chandler Mays. And additional story producer is Ari Basile. Additional materials from HBO's The Vow and CW Network's Smallville. Now go back to not listening to us. Fart soup. And CW Network's Smallville.