Was I In A Cult? - Zendik Farm PT1: “Stop Bitching, Start a Revolution”

Episode Date: December 2, 2024

What happens when an idealistic teen swaps suburban comforts for a “revolutionary” arts cooperative promising harmony with the Earth, free love, and organic farming? Jeanne Nolan thought she’d found utopia at Zendik Farm—a bohemian paradise where creativity and sustainability reigned supreme. But behind the lush gardens and groovy slogans lurked manipulation, sexual politics, and a strict hierarchy led by two enigmatic leaders. In part one of this captivating two-parter, Jeanne reveals her journey from wide-eyed seeker to “Zendik warrior,” the allure of life on the fringe, and the cracks that began to form in the farm’s idyllic facade. Was Zendik Farm truly a haven, or just another cleverly veiled cult? Let’s dig into the dirt. _____ Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @lumedeodorant and get 15% off with promo code inacult at Lumepodcast.com/inacult! #lumepod  _____ This holiday season, gift yourself some peace of mind. If you’re 21+, head to Viiahemp.com and use the code [inacult] to receive 15% off. Follow us on Instagram/TikTok/FB: @wasiinacult  Have your own story? Email us: [e-mail] Please support Was I In A Cult? Through Patreon (we appreciate the hell out of you guys): patreon.com/wasiinacult  Merch is here! wasiinacult.com 

The views, information or opinions expressed by the guest appearing in this episode solely belong to the guest and do not represent or reflect the views or positions of the hosts, the show, podcast one, this network or any of their respective affiliates. You know, was Zendik Farm a 45-year human effort to live in a more cooperative, sustainable, in reverence of the earth, good way? Or was it this devious, delusional, awful place? There was good, bad, and ugly, and I think as the person that I find myself being now, where I'm very interested in sharing the entire story. Welcome to Was I in a Cult? I'm Liz Ayacuzzi. And me, I'm Tyler Meesom. Hey, we hope your Thanksgiving break was filled with more gratitude than grudges. And that any political sparring was as uneventful as the Jake Paul Tyson fight.

Oi! Talk about a snooze fest. You didn't watch it. I didn't. I really didn't. I don't really. It's not my thing. I but I will say this about Thanksgiving. Did you know that the busiest time of the year for plumbers is the day after Thanksgiving? Because everybody's just there's lots of reasons but the plumbing. In the plumbing trade, it's known as Brown Friday. Brown Friday, that's not real.

That's true, that is true. Because of all the shit that gets backed up in there. You know, I'm not going to describe it. I mean, I suspect a lot of people pour bacon grease down the sink and a lot of amateur cooks making messes and putting things down the toilet that they don't need. Whatever. Brown Friday. Why do you know these useless facts, Tyler?

I appreciate them. I really do. I know I make fun of you, but I do appreciate your useless facts. You know, Liz, the only useless facts are the facts not used. Oh. So today, guys, we are going to dive into a story

that's as layered as your Aunt Betty's casserole was. Oh nice, now you're going to stay on the food joke strain. Trust me Tyler, it is on theme. That it is, because today's guest takes us on her 17 year journey at Zendik Farm, a self-proclaimed revolutionary community that promised a better way of life through organic farming and free love. A place that would make your local farmers market look like amateur hour. Or, as Wikipedia puts it, Zendik Farm, officially known as Zendik Farm Arts

Cooperative, was an intentional community of artists and assorted crafts people that went through several iterations and locations between 1969 and 2013. They presented themselves as a living laboratory for a way of life based on a feeling of reverence for the earth and supported themselves through the sale of literature and merchandise promoting their beliefs and displaying their artistic statements. Where's the statement about it being a cult? Oh yeah, apparently Wikipedia missed that. Yeah shocking I'm sure it missed the part about how members of the commune could swap sexual partners. No, they did not cover that either

Yeah, well, fortunately we are going to cover that so this interview was done over the course of four days It is a great deal to digest So with that Let's digest together. Grab your leftovers, settle in, and help me welcome today's wonderful guest. ["Take Out Your Night"] I am Jeanne Nolan. I was born in 1968 and when I was a year old, my parents bought a house in a suburb, Winnetka, Illinois,

which is definitely one of the most affluent, beautiful suburbs in America. Okay, real quick guys, I immediately felt a kinship to Jeannie because she grew up in a neighboring suburb to me, which is in the North Shore of Chicago. So I'm from Evanston, and Winneka, where she grew up, feeds into my rival high school. And yes, Winneka is quite something. So I'm going to get full on Tyler for you for a second. But here are some fun facts. It's ranked one of the wealthiest and most desirable suburbs in the United States, but it has a meager population of about 12,500. It inspired a ton of John Hughes movies, and it was where Home Alone was filmed.

It's also packed with stunning Frank Lloyd Wright homes. Jeannie and I had a lot of fun banter about being former rivals, but of course, Tyler cut it all from the episode. You know, it wasn't germane to the story. Well, neither are you, Tyler, but here we are. Anyway, back to Jeannie. I would say I'm a very lucky human being. My parents loved each other. My mom was very focused on me.

I was taught to be well-mannered, confident, communication skills, eye contact, a firm handshake, how to look, how to behave in certain situations, restaurants, how to dance. But deep within the nucleus of my nuclear family, four of us, there was certainly some form of dysfunction. My mom has sort of your garden variety level of neuroses, but my dad is a little more complicated. He definitely suffered some pretty intense generational trauma. This sort of family of origin traumas primed me to be a good candidate for joining a group that had an idealistic mission and also was a container where cruelty and emotional abuse happened.

So I was pretty primed for it. And I went to a girls camp when I was 10, and it was an incredibly positive experience for me. You know, it was on a lake, and you'd hear the loons with their beautiful eerie calls, and thunderstorms, and canoeing, and sailing. And I had a lot of experiences of losing myself into a state of awe at the beauty around me. You know, there began to germinate my love, deep love of nature.

I came home from camp and I remember crying, just sobbing. I want to stay at camp. I don't wanna go to school. It's not right the way we live. TV, sidewalks, cars, society. I liked the retreat life of camp. And what could my parents say? You know, it was kinda like,

sorry girl, back to the salt mines. You gotta go to fifth grade. And that was in 1978. Imagine how young Jeannie would feel today. Screens in our face 24-7, the constant ding of notifications, more online friends than real friends, emails piling up faster than we can delete them, algorithms that know more about us than our own families, endless subscription renewals that we continue to forget to cancel,

cars that need software updates, news alerts that keep us in a constant state of panic, a million apps we don't even need, scams lurking in every text, passwords we can't remember, AI writing high school term papers, and don't forget the hundreds of group chats that you somehow end up in but don't want to be a part of in the first place, I mean honestly. This point, a canoe and some wailing loons sounds like paradise. Have you heard loons? Do they sound good? They're just like this haunting, beautiful, quiet, middle of the night sound that just...

Ooooooh! I mean, I can't do it, but Rob's gonna cue some loons. That was pretty good, Tyler. Ooooooh! Ooooooh! Ooooooh! Ooooooh! I had the momentum of, I'm going to do this right. I'm going to please everybody, get good grades, be a student leader.

That carried me through freshman and sophomore year. And so a lot happened for me that was a massive shift in my identity around 15 to 18. The human being that I met that, you know, was a change maker for me in my life was Mark. And we met first in PE class. We're playing badminton and whoa, does he catch my eye. Slightly longer, darker blonde curly hair,

fair skin, blue eyes. I just couldn't stop looking at his butt. I had never, I'd never looked at a butt in my life. You know what I mean? When I was just like, riveted. What can she say? Baby head back. Baby head back. Do you even know that song, Tyler? Of course I know that song. I grew up with that song.

I'm sorry, I thought it wasn't sung by REO Speedwagon, so I didn't know if he knew it. It is true. I will give you a great word right here about butts. I first learned this word when I read Catch-22. A great word right here about butts. I've never heard you say that. No one's ever said that before. I first learned this word when I read Catch-22, and the word is calipygus. Calipygus. Calipygus, which is an adjective that means having well proportioned, finely developed buttocks. Calipygus. And just when we thought he couldn't get any waiter guys. Great word.

The 25 cent word. Mmm. Look at that man over there. He's got a great calipygus. It's quite calipygian. You can use the term calipygian. Oh, calipygian? Or not calipegious? It could be calipygus, calipigus. It's quite Calipigian. You can use the term Calipigian. Oh, Calipigian? Not Calipegius?

It could be Calipigus, Calipigian. Calipigian. All right, I will be using that many times in this episode. No, you will not. As many times as I can fit it in. You'll use Brown Friday before you use Calipigian. I'm sorry, I'm just looking at my Calipigian in the mirror now.

I'll be right back. It's not a Calipigian. Yeah, it's not a Calipigian. That would be a noun. It's a Calipigian. It's a Calipigian. You would say, my Calipigus ass, probably. Oh, it's an adjective, I see. Right.

I got a nice Calipigus ass, guys. There you go. That's the way to use it. Fine. And then there was a school dance, the end of sophomore year, and he and I end up leaving the dance. Somehow we're in the backseat and we're smooching and I just completely loved him right then. As we began to open up to each other, he started to share things with me about his inner world and he struggled with a lot of social anxiety, suicidal ideation, and that was really the first time that I was exposed to

that, you know, that view, that look around, are the people, are the adults around us with all this money and cars and homes and vacations and wealth, are they truly happy? I don't know, Oneka, are you? Are you? Are you? So the introspective Genie, she went on a little vision quest of self-exploration. Read all of Carlos Castaneda's books, which really had a lifelong impression on me.

Carlos Castaneda was an anthropologist in the 60s who wanted to learn about peyote and ended up in an apprenticeship with a sorcerer who had indigenous wisdom, knowledge, archaic knowledge, and a worldview that we live in ordinary reality, but that there is a non-ordinary reality where things are outside of time and space. In my mind began this concept that I could be a warrior for planet Earth. Carlos Castaneda is an anthropologist, mystic, and probably the reason so many young seekers ended up in questionable situations. Beyond his writings, Castaneda's real-life cult-like group, which he controlled with

authoritarian rigidity, reportedly subjected members to psychological manipulation, isolation, and even coerced disappearances. And an interesting fact, his teachings inspired some of his followers to believe that they could leap off of cliffs into other dimensions. And let me guess, Gravity won. Gravity most likely won. Castanaga's books were bestsellers, but critics called him out for fabricating stories. Yet still they inspired countless dreamers, including Genie. And of course, this line of thought all started thanks to... Calipygus Mark. There you go, Calipygus Mark.

Nicely done. He had awakened in me this sense that isn't there more than going to college and getting married and making money and having children? And what else is there? Coupled with this acknowledgement that humans were hurting the earth. The seeker in me looking for this frontier life was really developing. I wanted to live in a different kind of world. I believed I could. So then I broke that news to my parents that I wasn't going to college and I wanted to move into my boyfriend's house and really upset them. My father was super angry. I was 17.

I had chosen a hard path, you know, but I was just, I couldn't continue to make pleasing them my priority. My soul, my spirit, it came forth and demanded to be honored, listened to. And so they moved in together. And funny enough, they actually moved into the same complex as my dentist growing up in Wilmette, Illinois. Now that's a fascinating fact.

That's the fact people are gonna use. It's a good fact right there. I just Tyler-dressed. Jeannie, she got a job working at the Wilmette Dry Cleaners where she assisted with the minor sewing repairs. And the two of them lived there for about six-ish months until they got the itch. And where do many dreamers gravitate toward?

Prison Company included. Go west, young man. La La Land, right? Think more starry nights though, Tyler, and less smoggy skylines. Mark worked at a place where they sold lawn furniture and repaired the furniture. And we saved up a bunch of money. And then we bought a Volkswagen camper pop-top van, dark brown 1968 VW bus.

And we headed west. What else would one do who was a seeker? And that 1968 VW bus, which is a classic, by the way, they top out about 55 miles an hour. It took them on a road trip across the United States to see many, many beautiful natural places. Missouri, Texas. Our van broke down in New Mexico, then Mark and I got to Flagstaff, got an apartment, got jobs. We rented this cute teeny little stone house. And then one fine Flagstaff morning, I had a life-changing moment for sure. Rode my bicycle over to kind of the

more little hippie-ish part of town and found myself in 1987 in a teeny little health food store. I'd never been in a health food store, you know? And I liked this environment, the wooden crates that the veggies were in, the imperfect produce and the grains, the bulk stuff. It just all felt right to me.

And I see there's like bins of vegetables and some of them have the word organic. So I go up to the counter. I asked the little granola kind of hippie girl, you know, what does organic mean? I don't know that word. And she says to me, that means grown without chemicals. Do you know all our food is grown with chemicals

that are bad for us? I mean, it was like a light bulb went off for me. Like, what? All the food grown with like toxic chemicals? And somewhere an organic farmer just got their wings. And that's really when I got it in my head, like, oh, growing food, organic farming. And like any John Hughes movie will show you, young love is messy, dramatic. But comes with a killer soundtrack.

But as for Mark and Jeannie, we had had several conversations where we realized that our path together was moving towards not being together because I really wanted to be with a group of people and he really felt that he wasn't meant to be alive at this time on Earth. So it was time to leave Arizona. It was time to go home. It was like our mission, really. We had not found what we were looking for. Each moved back into our own family's houses and still loved each other, still trying to

figure it out. We will be right back. You know what, Liz? The holidays are magical and stressful. Tell me about it. You got family, all the gifts and the travel stress. I mean, I need a break just from thinking about it, which is why we here at What's In a Cult, we love Via Hemp. about it. Which is why we here at What's In A Cult, we love VIA Hemp. Whether you guys are in the mood for THC products or THC-free products, VIA's got you covered. Personally, their low THC night drops, it's my go-to after a long day of, well, a day,

frankly, just a day. And I've been loving their low THC Elevate gummies, as well as their zero THC Zen gummies for sleep. I don't wake up in the night as much as I used to and I feel like I get better sleep but I love that there are no side effects like I get when I take like melatonin. And Vaya it ships discreetly to nearly every state. There's no hassle, no medical card. We love this brand. It's high quality, it's tailored perfectly to fit your needs. And well, as a bonus, they taste pretty good.

So don't stress this holiday season, guys. Instead, gift yourself some peace of mind. If you're over 21, of course, head to Viahemp.com. Use the code INACULT to receive 15% off. That's Viahemp.com. And use code INACULT to check out 15% off. So's viiahemp.com and use code inocult to check out 15% off. So please support our show and don't forget, tell them we sent you. This holiday season, enhance your everyday with Viya. Happy Hemping! Happy Hemping! It's gift giving season guys and one might think

that giving deodorant might be offensive. Well it might be if it's the cheap stuff that just covers up odor. Yeah, I mean if I got that in my stocking Iant might be offensive. Well, it might be if it's the cheap stuff that just covers up odor. Yeah, I mean, if I got that in my stocking, I would probably be offended. But if they gave me Lume, totally different story. And if you've listened to our show, you've certainly heard the hype about Lume deodorant. Yeah, Lume is a whole body deodorant created by an OBGYN for all the places odor naturally forms in our body. So underarms, but also feet, underboobs, and intimate areas.

I most certainly use Lumie and how do I smell Tyler? He's not smelling my underboob guys. He's definitely not smelling my underboob. Lavender sage. Very nice, Liz. Very nice. And that's because Lumie is formulated and powered by mandelic acid, which stops odor before it even starts, so it's kind of like a pre-odorant, if you will.

So if you want to give the gift of Lume confidence, or treat yourself, head to lumedeodorant.com. Lume's starter pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, two free products of your choice, and free shipping. As a special offer for our listeners, new customers get 15% off all Lume products with our exclusive code INACULT. So if you combine the 15% off with the already discounted starter pack, that equals over 40% off their starter pack. Wow!

So use code INACULT for 15 whopping percent off your first purchase at lumideodorant.com. Lumideodorant.com. That's code INACULT at L-U-M-E-D-E-O-D-O-R-A-N-T.com. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. And don't offend people by giving them shitty deodorant or don't offend people by having bad body odor. Okay so our hero Jeannie has now returned from her hippie road trip. But Jeannie's experience in the health food store still had a lasting effect.

Shortly after that, you know, I had told my mom that I wanted to learn how to grow organic food. That's what I was interested in. My mom, she was telling this woman all about me. So does my mom that I wanted to learn how to grow organic food. That's what I was interested in. My mom, she was telling this woman all about me. So this is my mom speaking. I don't know what to do with my daughter. She doesn't wash her hair very often. Her legs are a little hairy.

She was wearing Birkenstocks and hippie skirts. And she says she wants to learn organic farming. She doesn't want to go to college. And this woman said to my mom that she had read an ad in the Chicago Reader. The Chicago Reader is a widely respected, iconic alternative weekly newspaper that has been Chicago's go-to source for arts, culture, and counterculture perspective since the 1970s. There you go, Liz. You got the facts today. You had to know the day was coming, Tyler,

when your job would be to just sit there, look pretty, and give those transition lines. And the Chicago Reader ad said... Well done. You said that's so pretty. You're so pretty. Thanks, thanks. Who needs a brain when you look like Tyler?

Eyes up here. Eyes up here. It said, apprentice on farm arts cooperative. Learn organic gardening, animal husbandry, carpentry, dance, music, must be hard working, and a phone number. I called the number. I did not know what state I was calling. And Chen answered, the future father of my child. Spoiler alert. And we get talking and he said basically, the earth is dying. Human beings are destroying the planet and we're doing something about it. We're trying to set up a better kind of society based on equilibrium. Ecology and equilibrium combine those words.

We are trying to strike a balance and live in harmony with each other and the planet. And where exactly is this place located? The whale's vagina, of course. Sandiago. Boy, that escalated quickly. They were in Southern California. They owned 75 acres. It was east of San Diego. He said, we have an apprenticeship program.

You come for six weeks, cost 200 bucks. We get off the phone. I'm like, Mom, I think you found it for me. And I'm so excited. Tell her all about it. And then we were like, wait, let's really think about this. Is this a bad place? What if this is like a cult?

Of course, you know, we knew about Jonestown and Kool-Aid. And so my mom and I, you know, we make a list of questions. See, your gut always knows what's up. I call back. I'm talking to Chen again, asking him my questions, and he's got good answers for all of them. And I must have asked something like, what if it's a bad place? I doubt I used the word cult, but you know, basically he said to me, well, you sound like a very intelligent person.

If you come here and you don't like it, you're free to leave. We don't lock the gates. And that was it. That's such a classic cult move right there. We don't lock the gates. You can leave whenever you like. Yeah, it sounds reassuring, but it's actually a trap because when you inevitably feel stuck or trapped in the future, it shifts the blame onto you because, hey, they said you were free to leave right from the jump. So it plants a seed of self-doubt and makes you question your instincts.

It's a calculated form of emotional manipulation. They frame it like you're the one with trust issues if you don't believe them. Fucking cults. So now Jeannie is in and is excited to become an apprentice at this quote farm arts cooperative. My parents gave me the money I needed and so my dad takes me to O'Hare. You know I had my favorite thrifted wrap-around hippie skirt with a butterfly on it and I had two different color knee socks on with my birch and stalks. I land in San Diego and I'm like, you know, I'm going to find the bus. I'm going to take a bus up, you know, a couple hours.

And I'm like, screw this, I'm taking a taxi. And so I take a very long cab ride, expensive, deeper and deeper into the mountains. And so I have him drop me off at the bus stop in town because come hell or high water I will not be the rich girl showing up at this place. So I call, I'm like, hi Chen I'm here my bus arrived. Ten minutes later, up pulls know, a really just funky old for real farm truck and out steps Chen and he is your all-American quarterback jock.

And my first thought is, wow, that is like the coolest guy I've ever seen. I wonder if all the guys are going to be that good looking. I was just like, oh, God, that is the kind of human being I have been wanting to meet. Now, in our second season, we did an episode featuring Helen Zoomin, who was also at Zendik Farm. And if you guys recall, she also gushed about all the hot guys at the farm. Did I ever mention that I was at Zendik Farm in the 90s, Liz? Oh, really? Was that right after you were modeling for Abercrombie? That was me.

Yeah, that was me. It was a busy, busy time, mid 90s. Is it weird that your voice gets so high and like indicates lying to such an extreme? Eee! That's my towel. No, I didn't stock up the toilet after Thanksgiving. I didn't do it. It wasn't me, Plumber. It was Uncle John.

I don't know what you're talking about. We best call the plumber. I had no idea it was called round Friday. And then we get in the pickup truck and we drive down the farm road, always a long winding road like a camp. As we're driving in on the left, I see very colorful fence that's kind of painted. I don't know what it said,

Zendik Farm or something in the garden. Oh my gosh, the garden was so beautiful. All these vegetables. And then we get to the entrance gate that had these kind of two like guard houses and you know above the gate there's a sign Zendik farm survival station ye who leave here abandon all hope so she arrives a fresh faced teenager I got there when I was 18, like a month before I turned 19. So, you know, I'm showing my space, put your stuff here.

There were three of these very cool Quonset huts that had four single beds, a wood-burning stove. They were all really basic. I give them the money for the apprenticeship. I asked immediately, what if I wanna stay longer? And they're like, let's do the apprenticeship, let's do the six weeks, and then we'll see. And it wasn't just the garden that was full of life. I met a lot of other people from a lot of different walks of life and socioeconomic

backgrounds. These guys had these like authentic, handmade sort of hippie clothes that I just thought were the coolest thing ever. I remember meeting a woman, Zara. She was confident and she knew how to lay bricks and do carpentry and grow a garden. And she had a PhD in psychology. These were people who just were really interesting to me and spoke a language of mission. We're changing the world, we're setting

an example, we build our houses out of recycled materials. Plus I love the aesthetic of the place. Rock walls and flower gardens and everything was made by human hands. There were mechanics on site. There were carpenters on site. The guy who went to MIT did all the electrical work. But really intelligent, clear-eyed, attractive, healthy-looking people. So not idiots? No. In fact, contrary to popular misconception, No, in fact, contrary to popular misconception, people and cults aren't all dumb lemmings. In fact, they're often intelligent, capable and idealistic individuals looking for meaning and connection. But you'd know that because you listen to our show.

Me and these 35 people, we have a philosophy and it's hopeful and it's living in balance with the earth. It's a different kind of society. We share our money. We cooperate. We don't compete. And we're better. And that felt good. It was what I was looking for. And like many cults, pretty much all of us changed our names. The story that came along with it as to why everybody there changed their names and that the children generally had sort of unique names was, you know, it's an initiation. It did feel liberating and a lot of people's names, not all of them, were riffs on their name. Like, Lauren would become Lore, Carrie would become Care. I think that it serves the purpose for a cult of a fresh start, an opportunity to indoctrinate a person who is ready to be a new me. And Jeannie became...

Shay, S-H-E-Y. Chen and I came up with it, I remember. What would our Zendik names be, Tyler? Yours would be Nar-key. For Snarky. Snarky, you got it right. And mine would be, Liz, go ahead. Boring Axe. Boring acts. No, boring facts. Right.

Very nice. Boring acts and narque. Arrive at Zendik Farms. And nobody wants to hang out with them. Show me the Kwanzaa Hut. Let me have those vegetables. I will hoe. I will definitely hoe if I.

I will hoe too with my Calipagas booty. I created a monster. So the leaders of the farm were Wolf Zendik and Errol Wolf. But of course, neither of those names were their birth names. No, Errol was born Carol Merson Weinberg in 1938. She was an aspiring actress from Brooklyn, New York. And Jeannie was immediately taken by her. Carol, whose name was Drop the C, Errol, A-R-O-L.

Errol struck me as the most liberated, free... She looked a lot different than any 50-year-old I knew. You know, longer hair, her hair was not dyed, it was gray, I liked her jewelry, very sexy woman. And then around her waist on a piece of leather sword knife. She had great boobs, she had a great body, very worshipped by everybody, you know, all the guys. You know, she had more than one younger lover and sort of had a bad bitch, sort of super confident, arrogant, gonna tell you like it is kind of vibe for sure. She would correct you or contradict you. She would call you out on things that was part of the culture.

But it didn't dissuade me. I was game. I wasn't looking for an easy road. I was looking to get dirty and turn compost and work hard. And this was kind of part of it, you know. Wolf Zendik, her partner was maybe 18 years older than her. His given name was Larry Wolfing. And so one of his novels was called Zendik, and the protagonist had the last name Zendik.

And Zendik is a word that means heretic or outlaw, one who does not follow the established order. So that became the name of our movement, Z-E-N-D-I-K. And we were Zendik warriors for planet Earth. became the name of our movement, Z-E-N-D-I-K. And we were Zendik warriors for planet Earth. So Jeannie had already been enchanted by Errol, but the first time she met Wolf, she was equally enamored. And he comes down, he's clearly gotten his look together,

which was sort of some denim, frayed jeans, slight mild bell bottom. There's Wolf. He sees me for the first time, looks at me, and says, well, hi there, shiny eyes. But felt good to me. I could feel a little flirt in the air. I gave a little flirt back, you know?

Well, hi, Wolf's Endic. I don't know what I said, you know? And I am predisposed to wanting to learn from older men the wise ways of being enlightened, meditation, thinking, philosophy, and sexual expertise. I wanted to learn how to, you know, experience ecstasy and increase my capacity for pleasure and this whole thing. He sort of did a philosophic talk and I liked most of what I was hearing. He definitely had an anger edge, angry at the world that did not resonate with me. But I remember talking to Chen about it, like, why all this anger? And the Zendik response and Chen's response was, if you're not angry, you're not paying attention.

Chen, by the way, was in the inner inner circle. He was sort of like the second in command. And one day, very early in Jeannie's stay at Zendik. Errol and I, she's like, well, let's walk out to the garden. So we walk out there, we're walking through the garden and I'm just like, this is so amazing. And we walk by this two foot high stand of sugar snap peas. And I look at them, no, I'd never really garden before. And I turned to Aeryl and I'm like, are they ready to harvest? And she's like, yeah, let's get you a basket. You can harvest them.

I think you're going to be good at this, you know? And I was like, yeah, let's get you a basket. You can harvest them. I think you're going to be good at this. You know, and I was like, yeah, oh, my God, I found my thing. You know, I want to I'm going to grow food. I'm already tuning into it. You know, right away, she started teaching me a lot of things. We need to broadcast seed and plant this cover crop. And, hey, here's the tools you're going to use. And it was a great learning environment for me

because the way she taught and the way the farm did things, you learn by doing. And there was more to this community guys than harvesting vegetables. No, they were sowing the seeds of love. You would love that line too. It's a Tears for Fear song. It's not a bad one. That's a good song.

It is. You would love that line too. It's a Tears for Fear song. It's not a bad one. That's a good song. It is. Play it Rob. Everything is possible when you sing we're in the zone. My first memory is the first night. One of the guys and I had caught each other's eye after dinner. He's like, hey, you want to go for a walk? We end up in a camper fooling around. And we did not have sex. But he did give me head and I had an amazing orgasm. And I was like, oh my god, this guy has skills. Are all the guys gonna be like this? Like, he knows where

the clitoris is. He knows how to work it. You know, this guy took me there. And you know, this is a young man who's been educated of how the female body works. And you know, it was a lot of fun. It wasn't love, he wasn't gonna be my boyfriend, but that wasn't the only thing I was looking for. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. You know, in today's world, you can't do anything without a website. In fact, around 252,000 websites are built every single day.

And the time it takes me to finish this sentence, 156 websites will have been created. Damn! So what are you guys waiting for? Everyone else is doing it? Yeah, and the best way to create a website? Squarespace. Squarespace, duh, guys. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Yeah, whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your

audience, and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place all on your terms You guys know this we use it and we are literally the smartest people in the world. So How can we be wrong? Yeah, and despite being highly intelligent ourselves We still rely on Squarespace's design intelligent feature to assist in our site It made building a website easy and gave Liz some more time to think about quantum physics. I'm currently levitating as I do this ad. Isn't that quantum physics?

No, not at all. That's no, not at all. That's nonsense is what that is. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you guys are finally ready to launch your website, type in squarespace.com for a free trial and when you guys are finally ready to launch your website, type in Squarespace.com slash in a cult to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Yeah, and that's a pretty big deal. Build a site. Use Squarespace for 10% off Squarespace.com slash in a cult.

You know, I love cooking, but when my family gets together for the holidays, the cooking duty usually rests upon my shoulders, which is fine, but also I'm very happy when it's over and I can simply rely on the ease of Cook Unity. So Cook Unity meals, they're crafted from local, farm-fresh ingredients and deliver vibrant flavors directly to your door at a fraction of the cost and time. And the best part about Cook Unity, as opposed to the other meal services, is that the food comes ready to go.

Fully cooked, no cutting, no compiling, heat it up, eat it. It's sent fresh, not frozen. And I'm not just saying this, the food is really good because it's prepared by the chefs you see on TV and in 5-star kitchens. So give the gift of delivering mouthwatering meals crafted with local ingredients and award-winning chefs with Cook Unity. So this is me giving you this deal. Don't tell Liz, but go to cookunity.com slash cult or enter code CULT before checkout for

50% off your first week. That's 50% off your first week by using code cult or going to cookunity.com slash cult. Eat, eat it, eat it. For years, Tim Ballard has been championed as a modern day superhero. The first time I saw one of the kids from the video and it like changed my life. He was the face of Operation Underground Railroad, a movement that inspired hope around the world

by rescuing children from human traffickers. However, Ballard's crusade to save innocent lives has always hidden a darker secret. Well, I think he's a pathological liar. Beneath the accolades and the applause, a dark storm has been brewing. I mean, I can't find a time that he's told the truth about anything. Shocking allegations of sexual misconduct have surfaced, casting a shadow over his once unquestioned reputation.

I am host Sarah James McLaughlin. And in this new season of The Opportunist, we explore the rise and the fall of Tim Ballard. Join us this October for Tim Ballard Unmasking a Hero. Subscribe to a new season of The Opportunist now wherever you get your podcasts. All right, listeners, so a quick rundown of how our process works here at this show. So I usually handle the interviews, which can last anywhere from two to six hours.

And then she dump trucks it onto me and I step in and take the long winding story and cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. We do have help from Greta now. It's wonderful. And it's not easy. Sometimes I have to trim parts that are beautiful, moving and insightful, but they just- Aren't germane to the story.

We joke about that because I use that line all the time. Exactly. Unfortunately, there's just not enough time to fit everything into one tiny little episode. So keeping that in mind, I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the time I spent with Jeannie. I think it totaled five or six hours at least. And I honestly wish we could publish the whole thing.

She was so vulnerable, open, and thoughtful. I really felt like she was discovering parts of the cultic elements of her experience right there along with me So I just want to thank her for her time her earnestness and her willingness to share so deeply and now back to sex I Was looking for a Place where I could evolve sexually and I think a lot of people who landed there were some version of that. So that sort of set the stage for people to be willing to experiment or engage in a different way. The way that sexuality was handled at

Zendik Farm, you began with an agreement or understanding that the way that society at large, the death culture, as we called it, the way that sexuality was repressed, distorted, commercialized, not given a healthy outlet, not talked about, this was seen as a major problem in society that led to a lot of things that were wrong in the world. So there was sort of this idea that if we could have a society that was more out front, open, communicative, safe, honest, create in an environment where people could work on their inhibitions, release them, become more loving, fulfilled, capable of having pleasure. Because we lived communally, so you'd usually lived in a bunk room with two to ten other

people, so you didn't have sex in there. So we had sex huts or I don't know, you know, what's that funny song? Love Shack, you know, Love Shack Baby. Love Shack Baby! So, I mean, it could be like a screened room down by the river. It could be a camper. It could be a little cabin. Basically, the requirements were just like a mattress, a private space, you know what I mean? Like. When you live communally, there are certain rules that need to be established.

So there was an organizational issue, who's having sex with who where. So the dates were arranged, usually through what was called a third party. So if I wanted to have a date with Verdant, I would say to Care, hey Care, I want to hit on Verdant. So then Care would go to Verdant, hey, hey, Shay wants to have a date with you. The concept was that you didn't have to sort of be deceptive or, you know, go pick someone up at a bar or kind of, you know, that we could be direct.

So somebody would make the arrangements of which space you were going to have your date in, you know, securing that you had a spot because sometimes, like, there wouldn't be a space. And then bathing was definitely part of, you know, each person cleaning their own bodies was a given. So it was usually like after dinner or after the evening program. You'd know what space you were meeting in. You'd usually decide who's bringing the sheets because you would bring your own clean bedding. Maybe you'd bring a candle, maybe.

Depends on the Calipagian level, I suppose. I actually think you might be overusing it at this point. Oh, that's impossible. I will never not use this word as long as I can remember it. Which is 20 minutes from now. You'd meet in the date space and in my mind, I have memories of dates when I was younger and newer and I was with guys who were more experienced. And they would often set the tone. I remember being on a date probably when I was 19 or 20 and like feeling awkward about the pace at which

things were supposed to move. And I remember the guy said to me, like, we can just totally take our time. There's no hurry here. And then there were a lot of years where many of the people I was having sex with were younger than me. And I would be in a kind of leadership role, which I enjoyed as well, quite a bit. One thing that I just loved immediately was sort of the rhythm, the rhythm of life there. So yeah, I mean, wake up. Breakfast was like eggs and millet or oatmeal. Then maybe the morning meeting was happening around

8, 830 and yeah there was the term straighter, an abbreviation for the word administrator. So there were like people who were in charge of different things. Maybe the straighter, the animals, or the garden, or the kitchen, the meal schedule, health and wellness, sex, you know, organizing who was having sex where, there were things like that had to be organized because they lived communally. So the morning meeting was, you know, what were the tasks for the day, who was doing them.

The goats had to be milked twice a day, morning and evening, and I loved helping with that. Carrying the pails of milk in. Oh yeah, I would make kefir out of the goat milk. I liked helping with cooking a lot so I remember we would get these huge fish and I would filet them. There was some pretty strict unspoken food rules. I mean you know it was like society is dangerous, the food is dangerous, we are in our own bubble. And our food is healthy and good. And we ate all organic, you know,

whole grains and beans and vegetables and minimal sugar, alternative, you know, honey. So, you know, we'd buy bulk. The truck would drop off, you know, 50 pound bags of rice and beans and cases, you know, a case of apples, a case of carrots. We'd get in a truck and a van and we'd go drive around to these amazing organic farms and fruit orchards all around San Diego County. So

I remember going to a vineyard, we'd pick cases of grapes and then we'd juice them and fresh apricots, all kinds of fresh citrus, all kinds of fruits I'd never had. And I loved cherimoya, sapote, persimmon. All right, no lie, I would order direct from Zendik Farm if it were still around today. 100%. I mean, I remember when I lived in the Kwanzaa hut hut within the first probably week or two, you know, there was Errol and Wolf and then the next tier down was Chen and Care. I remember I was in my space, that's what we

called like our own little bed area, and they came in, the two of them, and just really said to me, we really like you a lot. You are the kind of person that this movement really needs and we really are excited that you're here, you know. And it was just, I felt seen, you know, and valued, you know. And shortly after that, I was invited into the inner sanctum to live then I got involved in kind of the money generating aspect. I grew up going with my dad to the family business. I have a sensibility around what one should do with money. I'm good at making money and I was definitely tapped for that and provided them I was genuinely tapped for that and provided them with money that came through my family and through my skills. And I'm sure that has a lot to do with why I very quickly moved in as close as one could

move. I went from the Quonset hut to the downstairs bedroom of the main house to the upstairs bedroom of the main house to the upstairs bedroom of the main house. And then of course the way we made money was selling our magazines. We published a zine, short for magazine, remember zines? We published an underground zine that had interviews with interesting people, poetry, visual art, humor, sarcasm, philosophy, stories of life on Zendik Farm, like some of Wolf's writing and ideas,

and then usually Chen would have some pieces that were more like comedic and kind of geared towards like younger people for probably 30 to 35 years. That was the main source of income. I was a good seller and I was a good organizer and travel planner. So when I came there we mostly sold the magazine in San Diego, LA and San Francisco and in the time that I was there along with a lot of other amazing people expanded the selling operation. Zendix would travel

around the world. We'd go to New York, we'd go to DC, we'd follow Lollapalooza or Metallica concerts or Lilith Fair and stand on street corners and sell the magazine. We would stop people, talk with them, explain our philosophy and ask for money. And then over the years we added items to that. So we had first cassettes of the band, the Zendik Band, then CDs. We then had bumper stickers and t-shirts with our logo, Stop Bitching, Start a Revolution. I remember years there where maybe we would bring in $250,000 through these sales and then that would feed, clothe, house 35 to 50 people.

But it wasn't all zen at the Zen-Dick farm. Wait, I just thought of something. Okay, hear me out. Zen-Dick farm. Zen-Dick farm sells zen and dicks. The zen-dicks. The zen-dicks. Now that's the low-hanging fruit, Liz, that I know.

I know you missed me. But I mean, even in San Diego, this was happening and a cult investigator came. Someone must have called. I remember the day he came. We knew he was coming. Hey, a cult investigators coming everybody. So be open and talk to him. It's fine. We're not a cult. He hung out the whole day. We all talked with him. I remember being in like a circle of people talking with the guy and, you know, we spent the whole day around. He's like, you guys aren't a cult. You look in my eyes.

You talk with me. This place is fine. Yeah, I mean, you know, we didn't look like mindless zombies. JAYLEE That is just how insidious cults are that they can fool even a cult investigator. GINNY I suspect he too was dazzled by the lush gardens and the healthy looking callipigius farmers. Did I say it right? JAYLEE It's close enough.

And so Jeannie was loving her new life full of purpose and community, but her previous life didn't just disappear. So I had been there at the farm a year or so. I come home and visited and connected with Mark and really still loved each other. But also it was very clear that he was not going to move to Zendik Farm with me. You know, we would occasionally write letters and sometimes I would write his sister and acknowledge like, you know, he's not sounding good. Like, I'm worried about him. But I was also living my life, you know. So my dad called me, I think it was in the evening, and, you know, called the farm in California,

and I'm talking to my dad, and my dad tells me that Mark killed himself. And it was really, really deeply sad and tragic that such a beautiful, beautiful human being couldn't find his way and ended his life. I had never stopped loving him. And I remember I went and told Chen and he held me, held me close. But when you're a revolutionary, we were Zendik revolutionaries, stop itching, start a revolution. There was not a language or time for grieving. And I pretty much took his suicide as fuel for my fire, my

commitment. The society is a death culture. That creative, innocent people like Mark could not find their way in society and it was society's fault. So I'm gonna build another kind of world. I'm going to be part of another kind of society where a beautiful soul like Mark can find what he loves to do and do that and be valued. Around that time as well was one of the first school shootings ever at Hubbard Woods School in Winnocka, which was the elementary school shootings ever at Hubbard Woods School in Winnatka, which was the elementary school I went to.

So those two things were perfect fuel for a girl who was joining a revolution because society sucked. Fueled my anger, it fueled my resolve to change the world. It fueled the finger I was pointing at society and my willingness to call it a death culture. It was part of the perfect storm that made me a very committed Zendik warrior

known as Shay and the revolution. You know, I mean, I was at Zendik farm 17 years, year one through 14, not so bad. Years 14 through 17, I really let myself be abused, decimated, dispirited. I allowed myself to be treated with a lot of cruelty. But that was in the period of time where I was being made into a useless, demeaned, in the doghouse, good for nothing, never contributed anything outsider. That's when I, you know, felt alone and ultimately it was over. Aspects of people were developed but

ultimately there was just a takedown of the person's sense of self. People were damaged, children were damaged, parents were damaged, human beings were hurt. And we'll be back next week where Jeannie will share with us exactly how that all happened and how she found herself again in a society she once rejected. and how she found herself again in a society she once rejected. Some parts of being close to Errol felt good, other parts it felt like being near a very unpredictable, explosive person

and kind of a desperation to please her. A lot of the women had that, some much more severely than I did, but I definitely was pretty obsessed with being on Errol's right side. And I think that I definitely had some loss of self in that obsession. That was unhealthy. I regret that. I regret that. Hey, all, we want to thank you for listening to our little show.

We love making it. But as we said, it is a load. We work nights and weekends and frankly, we usually deliver the show late on Sunday night, just hours before it drops on a Monday morning. And no, we are far from making it our full-time paid job, so we're gonna ask you guys for a little assistance if you can. Please donate to our Patreon. Yeah, or frequent our wonderful sponsors. Yeah, buy some via hemp. You know you want it.

Yeah, or maybe buy some Was I in a Cold merch. We're getting new merch too. Or just simply tell a friend about our show. Or tattoo our logo on your calves. Or on your Calipigian ass. There you go, Liz, that's enough. Because we all know you guys, everyone listening here has a nice Calipigian behind.

That's right, whether you know it or not. You do. Let's read these credits, shall we? All right, let's do it. Let's give the people what they want, which is the end of this podcast. Thank you for supporting us, guys. Was Any Call is written, produced, and hosted by me, Liz Zen Ayakuzzi. And me, Tyler Dickmesum.

Oh, that's fitting. Sound design and edit by Love Shack Rob Para. Assistant editor is Greta Hippie Butterflyskirt and Birkenstock Stromquist. Ooh, and social media maven is Shani Sexual Strater Peyton. And our executive producer is Steven Wolf in Denim, Labrum. Ooh. Woo woo woo woo! woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo The plumber shows up, he's like, you know what? And Todd's like, I got you beat.

I already knew these facts. Brown Friday, pal. Right? Up high, buddy. That's me. That's me getting along with the plumber. Trying to make it sound cool so he doesn't feel like I'm just a disgusting human being. Oh!

No, I have no idea how the plumbing got fucked up! I don't know if you are the plumbing guy's friend now! I don't know, for some reason. It's been giving us trouble lately, but, uh... after Thanksgiving, I don't know. We're on Friday, you say, huh? I didn't know that!