Watch What Crappens - #113: When Will the Good People Come Out On Top?

Episode Date: February 5, 2014

Ronnie Karam (TrashTalkTV and Ben Mandelker (bsideblog) are back to celebrate a kick ass finale of Vanderpump Rules, followed by talk of ridiculous Carlton's stupid attempt to get attention on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and the trip the Shahs turkeys took to Turkey. We even got some Top Chef talk in this week! Join us! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Hey Ben, what was your worst Valentine's present? Well, I've never actually really gotten a Valentine's present, so I can't really say. So I guess a whole bunch of air was the worst one. It's also my best present that I've ever gotten.

But I'll tell you one thing. If I liked berries, I'd be very happy if someone got me some Sherry's Berries. They are giant, freshly dipped strawberries from Sherry's Berries, and they start at $19.99. That's over 40% savings. Or you can double it for $10 more. You just need to use the code WATCH when you order, and you can get these strawberries for like $20. Here's the only way to get this amazing Valentine's Day deal. Giant freshly dipped strawberries starting at $19.99.

Or double the berries for just $10 more. Visit berries.com, B-E-R-R-I-E-S.com. Click on the microphone in the top right corner and then type in watch. Go to berries.com, click on the microphone and type in watch. Order today. Don't leave someone like Ben lonely

for one more Valentine's. I can't. I can't. Poor guy. That's why it's Shaw Shaw's Vanderpump Rules. Come gather round and make fun of his fools. The podcast of Bravo. Nothing runs with Bravo.

But that's okay. We only care about Bravo. Watch what crap ends. Watch what crap ends. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? Crap happens. Crap happens. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? It's so funny what crappens.

Oh, I mean, what crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hey, everyone. Welcome to Watch What Crappens, the podcast about all the crap we love to talk on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, and as always, I'm here with the beautiful Ben Mandelker of B-Side Blog. Hello, Benjamina. Oh, hello there.

Hello there. What kind words for you to say? I know, right? I totally mean all of them. Wow. You must be in the Valentine's Day spirit after our Sherry's Berry ad. Yeah. It's hard to shake that Sherry's Berry thing off. And then get your car washed for an extra $4.

You know, Sherry's Berry, it's funny. Sherry's Berry isn't our only advertiser. I just want to say really quickly, as we start this podcast up, we've been pushing a promo code for GoDaddy.com, which is that if you use the promo code CRAPPINS, you get like a domain for like $2 or $3. Well, people, guess what? All good things come to an end. And this promo code is ending, I think, in about a week. And after that, you are no longer

getting a URL for $2 or $3. We're going to have a new promo code, we think, that's coming through. And it's going to be like 30% off. But that's much more expensive than $3. Everyone, act on it. Yeah, get it and get your Bravo-based domain and enter our contest.

Just email me at ronnie at Trash Talk TV with whatever you bought, and we will build a little website for whoever gets the funniest one. Okay. Yeah. Okay, so let's get on with this. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens. We're actually on there right now reading your comments throughout the show when we record. And it's a really good community to come laugh about stuff throughout the week. And we're also on Twitter at What Crappens.

You can find Ben at bsideblog.com and on every social media outlet at bsideblog. And I'm Ronnie Karam on Twitter or Trash Tweet TV. So there's that. There is that. I'm so excited for this podcast, I have to say this week, because we're really going to talk about the only two shows that are on my mind at the moment.

And that's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules. And I have to thank whoever sent in the article. Let me see if I can find it. I think it was Cindy C., who posted a link on our Facebook page to Time magazine. Time magazine wrote an article about Vanderpump Rules, and they christened the show like the must-hate-see show on TV right now. And I couldn't agree more.

And I've just sort of been scanning through this article, skimming through it in the past few minutes. And what I really liked is that they used this phrase the deeply unlikable kristin doubt deeply unlikable kristin who time magazine is called deeply unlikable well she finally won something she finally gave a performance that got some notice you're a horrible horsey. Oh, my goodness. Horse face number one wins. So, okay. So last night was the Vanderpump Rules finale. Yeah.

I was glad that Jax got pushed in a pool because he got a bath. And now every time I see Jax, I think of him as being really stinking, having terrible breath, and never flossing. Because that's what Tom said. Well, you know what? First of all, this is a warning to anyone who stays at the Ondaz in West Hollywood. Never swim in that pool again. There's no amount of chlorine that could fix that pool now. It has been contaminated. Someone has dropped nuclear waste in there, essentially. If nuclear waste could be a male model, it would be Jax. Yeah. So is herpes like your period where everybody gets it at the same time because that restaurant is gonna just have like one major sick week those people need to start working other

places and spread that disease around get it out of that restaurant yeah well i'm sure once pump opens up they'll be spreading it next door. Oh, God. Well, you know, a gay bar, this kind of behavior would actually make sense. Yeah. And if this was taking place in a gay club, you would just expect that everybody's sleeping with everybody else's boyfriend and not feeling bad about it. Because that's how we roll. But shame on you straight people. Shame on you.

Absolutely. You guys are all the heroes in the Bible. How dare you act like this? So did you actually enjoy the season finale? Yes. I really got into Vanderpump Rules this year because I learned how to watch it while I'm doing dishes or while I'm like cutting potatoes or something like that. So you feel like you're actually in the restaurant then?

Well, I feel like if I'm not just sitting there staring at it, it's not – I'm not wasting my life. That's what really kills me. But if I'm actually doing something, like helping needy children, grooming, I've taken a flossing, especially since that Jack's revelation. You sound like you're from down the abbey. I've taken a flossing after dinner. Yes, a floss after dinner now. I've taken a flossing. I have to say, well, one thing that I really enjoyed about the season finale was the amount of camera time that was devoted to poor little Tom's brain exploding inside his head.

And, you know, the reason why his brain was exploding is because he still can't come to terms with the fact that his girlfriend may have slept with jacks he doesn't know who to believe because for the majority of the episode uh kristin was still holding on to the lie much like the season finale last season where jacks kept on saying that he didn't sleep with anyone else and then in the last seconds he told everyone at sir that he did sleep with someone else same thing happened this week this this season finale except with kristen so is this i mean look i we all know that this shit's faked but is it that faked i mean do you think they really boned i think it's i think they did i think they boned yeah for sure they're not good enough actors to be able to cry on cue like that and and and act that way i mean if they could act like that they would not be working at Sir or be on this show.

Oh, that's true. Okay, good point. So that was amazing. That was the biggest reveal because I honestly thought Stassi was sending those texts. I didn't know what to believe. They had me actually guessing. It was like watching Medium. I was like, is this all in her head is this real is that a ghost

all they see are like visions of tequila though oh so yes that was an amazing revelation that she actually did have sex with jacks she's like seriously seriously i had sex with him and like i've like ruined everything like seriously seriously i came twice well i love that she's still learning about it because she's like i did sleep with him once well what is it like does that make it better it doesn't make it better so just get it all out there because now next season's all going to be about how she did it twice. Well, what's sort of shocking is that

you watch this episode and you see Tom crying, trying to get it all together and his poor little brain is working overdrive and everyone's talking to him, saying this, saying that. Who's telling the truth? His girlfriend, she, whatever. And then it comes out and you're like,

oh, this poor guy. And then you sit back and you remember oh wait a second he like had sex random chick in vegas also no no no sympathy for tom no sympathy for any of these people they're all idiots they should be thrown into a river and drown well the best thing about tom is when he gets upset he's you know it's like you said, you're watching his brain, like, internally explode. But he's trying to come up with words. And it's just hilarious to watch because it really does look like he's having a stroke. I know. And all he can come out with is, like, you're like, I mean, I was like, because you were like, I was all like, and then like, let me, what? How do you feel no remorse?

I mean, like, I mean, I love her. I mean... It's like he has bad reception. He's like a little crying skull, too. It's very scaly. When you've only got limited words, you just become a caveman again. Like as the new...

He's basically gone through only two lessons worth of English in Duolingo, so he can only say basic things like man drinks woman water woman likes water water likes man man face shave hair gel he's like kristen so don't you think it is a little grosser when a woman cheats let's be honest you guys it is kind of grosser when a woman cheats i don't know why there's that double standard but i was i could understand him fucking a whore in vegas because i don't know it's what guys do you go to vegas you fuck a stripper like who doesn't i girls like like your private parts when you're a girl, they're so like wet and like – they're so wet and internal.

Let me be a voice of reason here for a moment. OK. I don't think it's grosser when a woman cheats on a man. I do think maybe it's more expected when a man does it and which in that case the double standard is that perhaps we have higher standards for women. Higher standards. We should have higher standards for women. There are mothers. But women, you know, I think

women are just as capable of cheating. Yeah, they're just as capable. We probably burn them at the stake more. I mean, Hester Prynne had to wear that A around. Kristen's going to have to wear a sign that just says seriously and then another sign below it then it goes seriously that's too big of a word she's just gonna have to like have like a penis stitched onto the front of her a penis with like a don't sign it'll just be a horse looking

sad like a horse you know it'll be a picture looking sad. Like a horse. You know, it'll be a picture of Barbaro, the dead horse. Or they could just keep it as an A because that's the only alphabet letter they can remember. So, but yes, you're right. Women are just as capable as men of cheating. But they're also as capable as men at driving. And, I mean, come on. No, I'm just kidding. No, but I don't know why there is that double standard.

But for some reason, it didn't bug me. Also because maybe I like Tom. I think he's nice. He seems like one of the only nice people. So I was sad for him that he got cheated on. Kristen, I was rooting for that to be true. Because I just wanted to see her get dumped and she didn't even get dumped. Well, I think here's why we are in

Tom's corner. Okay. So he did something bad. He, uh, he, he screwed around with some person, some lady off in Vegas before the season even began. So that's already happened. It's already been dealt with. Okay. And then we have to deal with the whole season with this witch hunt, you know, of of Kristen. Like, did you cheat? Did you cheat? Did you cheat? Did you cheat? And I think it's what makes it so awful is the hypocrisy that's happened in this is that like she has been she has been like she's been taking advantage of the situation.

She has been roasting him for every single thing he does wrong when, fact she is also guilty yes that's that i think is what is what makes people angry and then i understand by the way what makes all the girls angry that they had to sit and listen to this for all this time when she's actually just as culpable in the situation oh she's worse okay he made she's deeply unlikable yeah he made out with that that blonde girl in a pool in vegas or something no no no that's out with her in vegas too uh ariana it's a separate cheating incident that was like a few years ago when they made out at the golden nugget at the golden nugget right but that was the thing that kristin was that was the one that kristin was going on all season about was that he he was going on with ariana

right but she was going on about it because he had cheated already with some some woman in vegas yeah but she was mad that he made out with some chick and meanwhile she went down on like a herpes tree like she climbed a herpes tree she jumped into a herpes lake she basically put her face in a petri dish. Yeah. I mean, I've seen that. It's all around the garage. Oh, by the way, I was reading today, someone told me to drink kefir because it's good for probiotics. And I looked it up, and it's made out of, like, yeast and fermented milk.

Like, seriously, stop suggesting that shit. That's not healthy. But, yeah, that's Jackson's penis, basically. stop suggesting that shit that's not healthy but yeah that's that's jackson's penis basically but yeah i was thinking about that uh you know what i totally forgot keifer totally fucked up my train of thought thanks a lot fermented milk well you know fermented milk was kristen's other nickname that we would have gone with had horse face been taken i'm going to call her cur hurdle one and hurdle two um i'm gonna make you guys a present today uh when you come to i guess come to my website or ben's whatever um i trash talk tv

when i post this tonight i'm gonna put a ringer because someone just mentioned this in the comics i'm gonna in the comments on facebook i'm gonna put a ringer of Stassi going, you're disgusting. So every time someone calls you, every time the bitchiest person in your life calls you, your phone will go. You're disgusting. You're disgusting. You're disgusting. Bueller, did you just fuss? Because I called you disgusting.

So I'll put that on today. Okay, so what else happened on rules? So a few things happened. So aside from the fact that we're in this, like, moral, you know, loop-de-loop with all these people, you also have Jax, who still continues to be totally unapologetic about the fact that he banged Kristen and his whole logic. We sort of got a greater insight into his into his little brain. And his logic was that their relationship was basically they were basically roommates. It was like it was glorified roommate situation and that the woman had needs. And I think this would be better if we were telling it like alexia from the

royal housewives of miami oh well you know peter like you know like peter just you know he sees a woman and like she like she's like not getting sex from her boyfriend so like it's really like his responsibility to give her sex you know like it's totally understandable because you know sometimes a car needs some gas in it and so if if peter pulls off to the side and he puts his nozzle in a tank, you know, that makes him a good guy. He's not a bad guy. He was helping the car without gas, you know. Yeah, he was being, like, nice. Like, this is, like, you know, this has been really hard for him.

You know, Peter, ever since, you know, Frankie, it's been hard. So, like, this is, like, his way of giving back to the community. Like, he punched an old man. So he's like, okay, so the way I make up for it is that, like, if I find a girl who needs to have sex, I'm going to have sex with him. And that's the way he expresses himself. Yeah, oh, you know, Peter, he's like okay so the way i make make up for it is that like if i find a girl who needs to have sex and i have sex with him and that's what he expresses himself yeah oh you know peter he's kind of psychic because um you know my mom's a psychologist and so he didn't want to become a psychologist so he just took the psych part and became kind of psychic and he knew that paul walker was going to die in a car accident and so um he was trying to watch that movie about racing

cars but instead he got stuck on drive and it got so depressing that he needed a blow job and so he got it from that girl and so you know you can't really blame him because he was really sad about paul walker who turned out to be in a different movie that sounded like it oh well you know peter you know he doesn't do very very well with car accidents you know ever since frankie you know like oh well you know peter he can't deal with them so like when he thinks about paul walker he's like oh gosh like you know like i'm very sad right now and like i think it was very nice that that girl, Kristen, to give him a blowjob because that's what he needed right now. You know, Peter, if Ryan Gosling was more like Paul Walker, then this wouldn't have happened. Oh, well, you know, like, I don't know why people aren't, like, applauding Peter because, you know, like, he did a wonderful thing, you know.

Yeah, so Jax is a fucking sicko, basically. He basically rationalized the whole thing. He's like, their relationship was basically a sham, and she needed some lovin', and therefore that's why I stepped in, and I think I was doing a good thing. And that's so fucked up in so many different ways. Like, first of all, it's not up to him to decide if the relationship is a glorified roommate

situation or not. Like, that's their relationship, and until they're broken up, it's not up for you to go in there in a predatory way. Yeah, Jax is gross. And we've known that for a long time. And he's stinky, which we found out recently. But I didn't really know he was. I mean, when I think of douchebag, yeah, okay, he's a slut or whatever.

But when I think of a douchebag, I don't think of him. I think of him as like a big, dorky guy. But then in these last couple episodes i was like oh my god there's the hidden douche it's like it's like that hidden dragon like here it is yeah when he's like why should i feel bad no i don't feel bad what do you want me to say bro what what do you want a piece bro i'm like really so now you're gonna start a fight with somebody after you fuck their girlfriend come on yeah i just i really don't understand why he's so unapologetic it's so it's so strange to me. I feel like he accidentally took that stance. Like he sort of like forgot

that Thomas's best friend or something. And he'd like took this unapologetic stance, and then is now just sticking with it because he feels like he has to like it just makes no sense. Yeah. Oh, and Viviana is pointing out in the comments that when that whole fight erupted, he was yelling, you came twice, sweetheart. Nice, Jax. Nice. Yeah. So, yeah. So finally Tom at least grew a pair and made Jax bleed, which was fun.

You know, Bravo has shown us a lot of fights. Like once Adriana hit somebody on Real Housewives of Miami, that opened a whole floodgate of trashy behavior that people were like, basically we can beat each other up now on TV and we won't get fired. It's not like the old days of the real world where you hit somebody and you're out of there. Now it's all bad girls club. So now every show has to have somebody getting waxed on national TV, getting their butthole bleached or making someone else bleed.

And I really love this, making him bleed. They, they took it. I was actually happy with that because first of all, the fight came out of nowhere, Or making someone else bleed. And I really loved this, making him bleed. They took it up a notch. I was actually happy with that because, first of all, the fight came out of nowhere. Tom and Kristen were standing over the group at Sina's engagement party. And Tom was like, do you feel anything?

Do you feel this? And obviously just punches Jax right in the forehead. And there was pandemonium. And then, yeah, Jax had a bloody forehead. And I think he liked it. But, yeah, he was smiling. He's a fucking sicko. That was some sick shit.

But it was really funny watching. Shanna. Yeah. And she's like. Oh, my God. I'm kidding. What are you doing? And Lisa's like, darling, calm down.

She's like, I just got my teeth fixed. She's like, I just got my teeth fixed. She's like, I just got my teeth fixed, and someone pushed me over. Like, Sheena, like, your teeth are not in your elbow. If you get pushed, it's okay. She probably showed up the next day to work with those gigantic glasses and crutches. And, like, a neck brace. And crutches. Yeah.

I need perfect vision so my mouth hurts. She's on like a little scooter with the rascals. Have you been able to hear her Muppet words yet? It makes me crazy

whenever she talks. I'm like, Sheena! Sheena! Sheena from Azusa. And by the way, she performed her new future hit,

Good as Gold, on the bar top with her trashy mom standing there in the crowd. And I was watching with our friend Michelle, and she was like, could you imagine, like, dancing like this in front of your mother? I love that she's, like, completely singing off-key with her track. That was hilarious. It was, like, the worst harmonizing with herself ever. She's like, comes and goes track. That was hilarious. It was like the worst harmonizing with herself ever.

She's like, A friend of mine was like, oh, that's catchy. I'm like, yeah, because it's one note repeated over and over. It's like a fucking ringtone. You would recognize a siren outside because it's one sound droning over and over. It doesn't make it a good pop

song. It's a fucking fire. I think the song would be better if it were sung by an old Epson, like, like, Matrix printer, you know? Like,

that would be more musical than Sheena singing it. Or like Robert Goulet. Good as gold. Hey! So, yeah, that was pretty embarrassing for Sheena.

And then, meanwhile, you had Sassy, who tried to make herself seem like she was the biggest victim of all this best line of this show in history is one of the good people can they come out on top I'm a good person really well as long as you're working in Sur I think the good people

have wound up on top really as long as you stay there the Sir, I think the good people have Branded on Top. Really? As long as you stay there. The drug addict girl from last year ended up getting in a Jennifer Aniston movie. She was like the only bearable person. And then what happened this year to the good people? Tom got to hit Jackson, and he ended up with a really smooth face.

Yeah, and Ariana, you know, she got to show up in casual sweatpants. Ariana got to be on TV and didn't have to act like an asshole or sell her soul. I mean, granted, it was her first season. I know. Next season, she's going to be a disaster. Yeah. Because they all turn. They all turn.

Love Lisa. Love that Lisa is just such an out-of-control bitch on this show. She's so ridiculous. I love how she goes like, she's like, I really don't want to get involved, but tell me, what's going on? You're a pig. You're disgusting. Go apologize, Stassi. Go apologize. I mean that. I mean that.

So that's been a really fun season. I'm sad it's over, but I'm sure it's going to be back on in a month. Well, we have the reunion next week. I can't wait for that. Oh, my God. What happened to Stassi's hair in that reunion? All of them.

All their hair looks ridiculous. Well, it's because they get paid so little, which I just love. I just love that Bravo is making them ruin their lives and still paying them $700 a week. And they're stuck waiting tables at this restaurant because the only way they can maintain their fame is they're stuck at this menial job that's that's the most amazing feat of this show yeah it really is they can't take off and in fact time magazine the article was saying something about how like the novelty of watching the kardashians has really like fallen by the wayside because they've become so self-aware of their public persona that it's all super staged um but these kids don't have the chance to become super famous because they will still ultimately always be waiters and if they

try to like leave their waiter waiting job they will be off the show and their fame will evaporate i think it's just wonderful yeah i do too i mean kristen would have been gone any at any other restaurant already is she was she fired i couldn't quite tell um no because lisa said if you quit you're doing me a favor but i don't think she answered her did she um i don't know it was just like crying and you know she i was distracted i was distracted by her teeth academy is a new scripted podcast that follows ava richards played by HBO's industry's Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first

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From Wondery, this is Black History for Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less.

In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. I am reading a comment from Summer on our Facebook that said,

Last night on Watch What Happens, Andy asked Jax how he knew to play it off when Stassi texted him pretending to be Kristen. Jax says, Kristen told me from this point on, assume Stassi will have my phone. Lisa says under her breath, they rehearsed it. What the hell? Damn this show. Damn this show for messing with me i can't believe how invested i am in all these stupid things well we could just go and ask them yeah we should just go we'll put on hazmat suits and go ask them it can't be worse than anybody else i mean you know that people go like when you see a real star you're not supposed to go up to them but if you see someone from vanderpump rules you're totally allowed yeah right well i think any reality

star you're allowed to just go and ask them questions that's what i found so if you're walking around the streets in la if you see a movie star you don't say anything if you see a tv star um you generally don't say anything but you could maybe um if you see a reality star you can go up to them and ask any question and say anything you want. Oh, my God. If you see a reality star, you can ask them questions. You can wipe your nose on their sleeve. You can literally do whatever.

I've gone over – I've walked up to so many reality stars. They are so happy for the attention. Why do you think they got into this game in the first place? They just want the attention. Yeah. They're so sad. So anybody, please feel free to tweet us yeah and that includes that includes like yeah that includes podcasters um but also like lisa vanderbump you could totally talk to her like even though she's like classy she's still a reality star yeah yeah there's no rules i think

that's that should be put into the la charter like reality reality stars you can treat just as shitty as you treat everybody else yeah by the way if you hear helicopters in the background i think there's a manhunt going on outside too there's something there's something going on in the hood today yeah there's a murderer who i think he fled up to runyon canyon and then was seen in hollywood is that true oh yeah 100 true well i love that even murderers here are working out at Runyon Canyon. That place is just so popular. I know. The murderer's like, when do the good people get out on top? He's like, I better get a beautiful view of the sunset before I go to jail.

So let's move on. Are we done with Vanderpoopers? I think so. I mean, I probably have some other thoughts. But you know what? I'll just share them on Facebook if they come to me. I didn't take notes this week. That's why I'm like, I can't remember anything.

Well, if they come to you, just talk to them. Just say them out loud. There's no rules here, Ben. Here's what we need. Here's all that everyone needs to know. Tom's brain was exploding all episode. Kristen lied. Seriously?

Seriously. Saucy, for some reason, thinks that she is the one who is the biggest victim in all this, and that she's a good person and that good people don't come out on top. Sheena is very concerned about the state of her teeth now that she's been shoved. And that's pretty much it, I think.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Yeah, Stassi is right, though. Not that she's a good person, but she's right that she's always cheated on. Everyone is cheating on her all the time. Her best friends betray her. But you know why? It's because you're not a good person.

What does that say about you? Yes, exactly. What does that say about you? You know what? If you – honestly, I don't like blaming the victim. But sometimes if everyone cheats on you, then you are not a good person. And you know what? If you're – and if your friends all like sleep with your boyfriends, et cetera, that means that your friends are not good person. And you know what? And if your friends all

sleep with your boyfriends, etc., that means that your friends are not good people, and you shouldn't be hanging out with them. And the only reason why you're all hanging out together is because you're all awful evil people. Yeah. You're all bad. Okay, so let's move on to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Speaking of evil people. Okay, so, well, what I loved

about this episode is that it started off with a confrontation between joyce and carlton that was all about whether or not carlton had cast an evil spell and it went on for like many minutes like maybe five minutes uh like a serious two adults having a conversation about whether or not a an evil magic spell was cast on one of their husbands oh my god and then she's like don't be so flippant about my religion. What is that? Flippant?

You know, I'm not flippanty. Oh my God. I mean, look good for you for knowing two languages, but I'll bet she's just as bad at Spanish. I'll bet she, that's why she got bullied.

That's why, that's why they called her Joyce because she didn't know how to say her own name. Jose. Jose. Um, you, this show has really just, I mean, it's the worst called her Joyce, because she didn't know how to say her own name. Jose. Jose. This show has really just, I mean, it's the worst. I mean, let's get some rich bitches back on this show and get that Carlton and Joyce and Brandy and who else?

Kim's not really doing anything either. Like, why do I want to watch her get a fucking tattoo? Get out of here. Recast. So Michelle and I watched it last night together, and we played this great game that I think everyone should play from here on out, which is before you start watching, you rank who you think are from stupidest to smartest,

the smartest housewives in Beverly Hills. And then as the episode plays out, it's fun to see how the rankings change because they definitely do change over the course of the episode. We went in with Kim was the stupidest. And then in second to last place was Carlton, followed by Joyce. And that was very contentious because Michelle was really –

I was going to say. I would say Joyce. I know, but I was pushing for Carlton because I think Carlton is very, very, very stupid, and she doesn't always even realize how stupid. She thinks she's smart, too. That's the problem. How could you say that someone who says, I had a dream that you were talking shit about me, and who does that? How could you say that person is is third third stupidest because the other one invented an entire pageant called like the best most greatest most wonderful girl in the world pageant like shut up that

doesn't even make sense and also i love that carl carlton's so stupid that she misspells her own child's name yeah see that's exactly that's why carlton is the right it's tough it's tough it's tough it's a fun game and then at the top, I think we had Lisa was the smartest. And I think it goes Lisa, Yolanda, Kyle, Brandy. I think that was the order. I hate to say this, but I think it would go Lisa, Kyle. That's what Michelle was saying. That's what Michelle was saying.

Because Kyle's an asshole, but she's not stupid. Yolanda's stupid. I mean, Yolanda tries to act like she's smart, and she's not stupid. Yolanda's stupid. I mean, Yolanda, like, tries to act like she's smart, and she's a fucking bitch. She's one of those people who's just an ice-cold bitch, and so you assume she's smart, and that's why she acts better than you, but she's not. She's just some dumb hoe who's

learned how to be a bitch. That's all. She's not smart. I mean, you do have a point. And, you know, Michelle would definitely agree with you. Well, Michelle was pushing for Kyle to be in second place for sure. I mean, Lisa is definitely first place. And Brandy is definitely right in the middle, you know?

Well, I think we all had a weird moment with Kyle last night because Kyle has been pretty obnoxious and hateable. Oh, and then she became somewhat likable last night so let me just finish that sentence but can i ask you when did she become jewish because i feel like maybe that was mentioned before but this year it's like every episode yeah it's weird it's it's never been like overtly mentioned i've always noticed the mezuzah on the door at their house but i think the reason why they like went into it this year is because they knew they had this fight coming up so they're like super Jews now. I'm wondering if Steven Spielberg is about to put his house on the market.

Because those two are fishing. Those two don't do anything unless there's a commission involved. I think she saw Demi Moore in Deconstructing Harry and was like, you know what? That could be me. We look sort of similar, so I'll be Jewish. That's terrible. I love her version of jewishness and at that dinner table they're like she's like blah blah blah i was like come on now

even brandy knows the words to dreidel dreidel dreidel but that being said what i liked about kyle last night was that we got like a return of kyle from season one which was the kyle who was sharp-tongued and did not hold back and when she was mad she would like really go on the attack and you could not stop her and you kind of like rooted for it when she would do it yeah because she was a bitch on wheels and this whole fake thing she's been doing lately or forever since season one to get nice tweets about her is just fucking ridiculous yeah but you know carlton at least did her job and got kyle pissed yeah because carlton well okay to be fair carlton believe it or not was sort of in the right when when kyle kept on saying lisa tell her tell her

tell her and carlton was like huh huh. He's my name, Carlton. You know, she actually is right. It is rude to say her. But then the way that Carlton would. But who cares? Would you ever say that at dinner? Like, Ronnie, stop calling me him. You know my name.

That's disrespectful. And then your boyfriend would be like, yeah, you know, it really makes her feel like an object when you call him him. Like, you know what else makes your wife look like an object? Her fucking fake-ass saline-sized, D-sized tits. Okay? Or the fact that she's had all the body fat sucked out of her and shops at Hustler and tries to maintain some porn star body to keep you happy. Okay? Maybe that's what makes her, like, look cheap and irrelevant.

Okay? And by the way, whoever posted the picture of Carlton as a California raisin on our Facebook wall, thank you. That was really great. It's not that she, like, not just that she's, like, shriveled up and, like, over tanned.

It's that she actually physically looked like the raisin. Like, they had the same mouth. It's very strange. It's very bizarre. so basically carlton uh just kept poking at kyle until kyle well she she accused kyle of like talking shit about her at her party she said you you were making fun of my bathrooms and then they showed the flashback and like i was like ew i don't want to go to the bathroom here because someone took a shit in here. Yeah. Well, also, one thing Carlton said at that point

was, well, you know, I had some friends who were standing in line for the bathroom and they heard you saying, no, some producers came up to you and told you that to start shit, just like they always do. Those producers are really, really reaching. Yeah. Kyle was making fun of your bathroom

because someone just took a poop in there i mean give me a break producers at least make an effort make it good no yeah and then um and then i think from did she have some other complaints or oh then there was like the whole joke about like the nipple the nipple thing came back and good for kyle for mentioning that carlton is all like pissy about kyle making a joke about a nipple when truly at Carlton's party were girls, naked girls in body paint with nipples greeting people at the door. Shut the fuck up, Carlton.

Yeah, she's... Carlton is just too stupid to live. She needs to just stop it. She needs to go away already. So then... But I love that the biggest fight of the season so far has been about shit smell in the bathroom. That's pretty much where this show has gone. And then it escalated to the tattoo thing about Carlton being furious at Kyle for – as a Jewish person, you should know the difference between a Jewish star and a pentagram.

And Kyle was like, I couldn't see all of it. I only saw a few points. grab and Kyle's like I couldn't see all of it I only saw a few points you know like and you know what I you know I actually I didn't think that Carlton was being that anti-semitic but I know that there are other people who actually did take it and from an anti-semitic place and it was sort of cool to see Kyle play that card with uh Carlton like I'm not a fan of always playing that card but as long as Carlton's being totally ridiculous, why not have that card played on you, you know, and see how you deal? The thing with Kyle that really bugs me is, like, I liked seeing her, well,

everything, first of all. But seeing her be a bitch was kind of fun. But it's the fact that she can't, she's not witty enough to just be a bitch when she needs to be. She has to, like, go tell her gays, and then they come up with lines for her that she can use later. Like, um, well, if you don't want people to like go tell her gays and then they come up with lines for her that she can use later like um well

if you don't want people to ask you if you're a witch and stop acting like one it's like oh really kyle how long have you had that written on the back i actually like that line i think it was something like if you want people to believe in wiccans like you know stop acting like a witch whatever it was we're butchering it i like the line i thought yeah but that was that was a total pre-written kyle thing That's what she does. Like, she comes with these, like, little bon mots that she's saved up. It's like, shut up, Kyle. Yeah.

Well, either way, though, Carlton was being totally, totally ridiculous. I mean, I still don't understand why she cared so much. I mean, so the reason why people would think it was anti-Semitic, how she reacted, for those of you who may have been a little puzzled by it, it's this idea that, like, how dare Kyle even suggest that she has a Jewish star on the back of her neck. But, you know, the thing is that this is a woman who has a cross. She was offended because Kyle wasn't recognizing her religion, not that she thought she was Jewish. No, I know. That's what I think. But either way, though, this is also a woman who has a cross on her arm, and she has a daughter named Cross, I think.

So, like, why is it out of the realm of possibilities that she might have a Jewish star on the back of her neck? Almost like it could even be like a spiritual Kabbalah thing, you know? No kidding. She fucks in confessionals and has sex parties in her bed, which is covered in crucifixes. So, like, I don't want to hear any more from Carlton about being offended, you know, religiously. Shut up. Yeah. And I don't want to hear anymore from Carlton about being offended you know religiously shut up yeah and I don't know to me she's just a really stupid leather bag

and one of my favorite parts was when she was just so ready to yell at Kyle and she was just so out of control angry for no reason and it was so awkward first of all the first thing I loved about that was that the husbands first of all the first thing i loved about that was that the husbands and all basically all the men there were so bored yeah they were like here they go

fucking women yelling at each other they are just so bored at this point that it's hilarious to watch the second thing i loved was carlton's big stupid fake accent yeah you don't you come on me don't you come on me i was like don't you come on me that is the first time she's ever said that in her life i believe the word was come on come on but her accent's so stupid like don't you come on me don't you come on me like honey if people didn't come on you you would never have gotten to the position in life that you've gotten to okay i know with your like wannabe porn star husband just do like you've always done pretend it's rain and thank your lucky stars okay honey no it was honestly

one of the most ridiculous fights of all time but i'm glad that carlton was on the receiving end of like i'm glad that carlton lost I mean, she obviously lost. And eventually Kyle just was like, fuck this, and I'm just changing seats, you know. You know, she should have known better not to start up with Kyle, because you know Kyle was going to be in a bad mood, because there was no fat burger at this party, anywhere. So she should know better than to start up with Kyle

on a night like that. Also, I love that Kyle changed seats to just sit by people who would stick up for her, because she still kept it going. She changed seats and then she's like, oh, hey, Carlton. I think that honestly, I think she was like exasperated because, you know what? I would be, too. I think everyone was on. Even Brandy, you know, this is sort of thing that Brandy loves to get involved with.

She's like, oh, people are fighting. Let me like throw in some awful like sentiment about black people in the middle of this and then make it about me. Instead, Brandy was just like hanging out.'s like oh she's like carlton's wrong yep uh brandy's storyline look if brandy's storyline is just gonna be that she gets so drunk that she makes someone think she's racist i mean that's really not enough i can't watch a show about some woman who's way too young to not be able to move her face like seriously she's entering kirk douglas territory she looks like she's at a stroke and i can't just watch her like go to photo shoots and like look at leases like what the fuck i know i loved her publisher i. I loved her bitchy publisher who was, like, ordering around the gays.

And you can see the photographer and the stylist, you know, they were so not happy that this little, like, woman who looks like that, what's her face from the office, came in with a dog and started telling them, no, no, no, I don't like that. I don't like that. No, this looks terrible. That looks terrible. You can see the gays. They were, like, just bursting with passive aggression. But they lost out. Yeah. Well, I gays they were like just bursting with passive aggression but they lost out yeah well i mean they were stupid they're like well she's telling a rolling pin because she's the mother and she's a wife and she and she's like yeah but that's not the book i'm

writing all right the book i'm writing and putting brandy's name on is about fucking people okay get the rolling pin out of her hand yeah get the pan out of her hand. I love that. Like Brandy's writing a book. Please. We just saw Brandy's writer. And she wears ruffled plaid flannel shirts. Yeah. The other thing that I liked in the episode was

oh yeah, Kim and her Kim and Kimberly getting matching tattoos to go away for college. This was definitely a page out of the Sheena book when she got matching tattoos with her mom and Azusa. Oh, God. Hi, let's get something. Let's go get a tattoo. It's like Kim's the only person in the world who sobers up and then gets a tattoo.

Like everybody else gets wasted and then gets a tattoo. It's like she's doing everything backwards. Next week, Kim enters the first grade. She's going to give a tattoo to Kingsley. Like, here's a butterfly that reminds me of our love for each other, Kingsley. Developmentally, she's Benjamin Button. Let's see, what else? So Yolanda.

Oh, no. I'm not done with that part. I love that she's, like, getting a needle stabbed in her arm. And her daughter's like, does that hurt? She's had enough practice. Okay. Move on. Kim's like, yeah, I've been here, done that.

Not feeling anything yet. I'm going to crawl around the floor and look for some bags. She's like, this magic marker really hurts. I love that. I like to... When I die, I want to come back as a butterfly. I love that they die in, like, five minutes, right? She's like, I want to be born a butterfly and then become a caterpillar. Does that work that way?

Because a caterpillar is like... It's like that book with the caterpillar on it. Yeah, I just want to be able to build my own blanket and wrap myself up on it. And I can come out and be a butterfly. I just, I want to be in a cocoon because I really like cocoa. And that's what they have in cocoons, right? Cocoons? Cocoon?

How do you spell that? Is that what a thing is? Kingsley. Kingsley. What else happened on this stupid episode? Yolanda helped Gigi pack for college. It's like, when is this girl going to get to college already? Like, every episode is like, well, you know, like, Yolanda.

Sorry, I started doing Alexia by accident. She's like, well, tomorrow Gigi is moving off to college, so I've made her paintings. And the next episode is like, well, Gigi's going to college tomorrow, so I got her a comforter. The next day it's like, Gigi's going to college tomorrow, so I her a comforter the next day it's like gg's going to college tomorrow so i made her a playlist on itunes it's like when is she gonna go and so someone mentioned it on someone mentioned it on facebook they're like loved how like like yolanda entered g's room with a giant thing of like bubble wrap like like this girl's moving like seriously just put some clothes in a box and your laptop she can buy all new clothes when she gets there.

Jesus Christ. She doesn't need to take all this shit. She needs a U-Haul for the paintings alone. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. But I love that Yolanda's like, well, you know, it's so, damn it, you know, stupid Alexia sticks in her head. Oh, well, you know, Yolanda sounds very much like peter you know well it's so i'm so sad to see her go but i'm really glad that i've given her all of the skills she's going to need to

become a very successful young woman it's like yeah she's gonna blow somebody and marry a rich old guy like within the first month she's there with the skills you've taught her yeah get out here i would have liked i actually would have likedolanda to have been there for the fight at the dinner party with the anti-Semitism. I wonder if she would have had anything to weigh in on about, considering that she's so, like, Aryan-looking. She'd be like, oh, well, you know, like Germany hates the Jews also. No big deal. By the way, she's neither German nor anti-Semitic. I don't know why I'm making these jokes.

I'm like, there's got to be something entertaining in this show well yolanda just doesn't show up to shit all the time and so does oh and i love that kim didn't show up and nobody made any comment about that after kim just had a fucking fit about how lisa never comes to her events and then lisa was like well where's kim so in other words Kim did not call to say she's not coming. What a shock. And that's like for her brother-in-law's birthday party too, I'd like to add. As a black tie event. And by the way, you know what I really hate? I hate that as a black tie event and that like two or three of the guys showed up not in tuxedos.

It's black tie, motherfuckers. Yeah, I'm not going to that party. Especially when you keep serving the same things. Like I get that you own Sir. And I get that, you you know a lot of the reason you do the show is to promote your restaurants but all of those appetizers i've been served at sir for parties like i'm so sick of that little fucking filet on a toast like come on like do something new at least get new stuff those people are probably sick of eating the same crap

every time lisa has an episode yeah and by the way, this is a black tie event. And yet in the middle of it, you had Kevin Lee shirtless gallivanting in the pool with Jax. Like, that's not classy. That's not black tie. That's the exact opposite of black tie. I love that Martin is always showing up at Lisa's parties. It's just so funny. Good to see you all, darling.

I know. They don't even make a point of it anymore. He's just there. And everyone knows it's Martin, the poor guy who was set up with Kim season one. Martin doesn't even look around the table to watch the fight. He just keeps on eating. Like, he keeps his head down. Like, you know, life's short.

I'm going to finish this while I still can, darling. By the way, I also loved the oversized painting of Jiggy that was given to Ken. It was such a stupid painting, but it was so stupid it was hilarious. Yeah. Ken's future wig, Jiggy. That was like getting that painting commissioned was like a huge part of the Divine Addiction monthly budget. Perhaps yearly budget. Poor pandora and herschall so every time i see pandora i'm like poor thing i don't know why i think that like she's rich

she's got she's got a cute gay husband she's got parents there's nothing to say poor pandora about she's got it all she's got it all but she's got a thriving media empire. I just want to hug her. Every time I see her, I'm like, oh, it's okay. But she's fine. She's like if Lady Eith actually wound up on top. Like Stassi said, when the good people wind up on top. And that's what Pandora did. She wound up. She got a hot husband, a lot of money.

She's set. Don't worry about her. Well, I don't know about that because hot husband's business turned out to be selling uh like a sangria that's marketed by lisa you know so who's paying for that like um i don't know how much she came out on top well it kind of looks like she's with a possible user yeah well that's okay she should you know sometimes there are situations where each person gets something out of it and he might get the money and she gets to have a hot guy in bed with. I don't know. I just feel so bad for nice people on TV. It's like, it's like seeing an old lady in a crosswalk, you know, you just want to scream at them.

You shouldn't be here. But at the same time, you kind of want to run them over just to see what would happen. It's conflicting. Stop going on TV on tv nice people you're confusing me i'm surprised that pandy hasn't been corrupted yet it's gonna happen she's kind of getting there she's kind of getting annoying on that like putting her nose and shit on vanderpump rules yeah what would you tell like stassi stassi behave behave st. Not now. This is a divine addiction party. Stassi, I'm hiring Sheena to do some eyeshadow commercials for the site.

Some eyeshadow articles. If it bothers you, then you don't understand what it's like being a leader. Stassi, please don't take umbrage when I tell you that Sheena Shall be writing a column Once every fortnight

About makeup It'll be 200 words long It'll be a very important journalistic piece Daisy! Daisy! Daisy, what's happening down there? I wish they could just Hire her instead of Rosia

Oh, that's Okay, so now here's something I wish they could just hire her instead of Rocio. Oh, that's – okay. So now here's something. Ken said something that was fairly insulting. Did you catch this when she said – Oh, Ken's awful. Yes, when Brandy went inside. No, no, no. He goes, well, Lisa dresses me and I dress Jiggy and Jiggy dresses Rocio.

That was so insulting well yeah but um i thought it was i thought it was pretty funny when brandy came in drunk and sheena's there showing off her ring she's like cute how cute and uh she's like oh thanks even though i know you're not happy for me yeah and ken's like you're lucky she doesn't punch you in the face for sleeping with her husband and she's like well she can try but i've got a pretty big ring yeah and randy's like you know the whole thing is that i've realized that i just don't believe in marriage it's just bullshit but anyway congratulations and you helped me realize that okay have fun i'm. I'm leaving on that note. But yeah, Lisa is pushing it with her, being like, you should go talk to Sheena about her wedding.

Like, what? Why would she do that? That's stupid. Why? It looks like next week will be interesting. It's the beginning and the end for Brandy and Lisa. We can see that happening. Yeah.

And I hope that means that Brandy is gone. I hope that Lisa pulls a NeNe and just gets her ass fired. No, she won't. She won't. Brandy will still be there Brandy's gone. I hope that Lisa pulls a Nini and just gets her ass fired. No, she won't. She won't. Brandy will still be there. She's awful. I know. She's not even awful in a fun, campy way.

She's just gross and awful. No, I agree. I think her expiration date has been met. She was good the first two seasons, and now— She is milk that has turned into kefir. She is curdle. Curdle three. So we have actually other Bravo shows to talk about this week because all our black ladies took a week off. Real Housewives of Atlanta and Blood, Sweat, and Heals were like, busy, watching football, not doing this.

Although the ads of Micah losing her shit drunkenly is amazing and i cannot wait until next i know bravo was kind of like well it's black history month so we'll we'll let black people have one weekend where they can you know actually appreciate their accomplishments not be dragged down by by our representations of black people so that's what they brought bravo's being nice actually the super bowl but um yeah so actually speaking of ethnic things on bravo um we can talk about shah's a sunset last week's episode which was part one of their turkey uh trip oh god this is gonna be more there's gonna be more of this those people are so fucking stupid i cannot even believe those people can know how to breathe okay those people are going they're in

turkey and they're like well it's not iran but it's close really that's so you're gonna celebrate that as your homeland no uh i think wait i can appreciate that i think that there's something to be said if you're muslim and you live in america to be in an all-muslim country with like you know nothing but like we are not the minority. That's a very powerful thing, even for idiots. Those people, oh my God. If there were TV watchers in those crowds, they would have all been fucking stoned to death. Oh yeah.

All of them. 100%. Listen, I will say this though. I actually thought it was a fascinating episode. I thought it was interesting. They're all confused that Mike, the jewish guy feels uncomfortable going into a mosque they don't get it really come on i know although that being said i mean you know it's if they were going into just some mosque then i can understand mike i think when you're talking

about like the blue mosque then that's like a huge like super famous building well i know i think the whole experience is the i think his point was it's the whole experience that kind of ended up freaking him out i mean he's in the land that wants him dead and i recognize that too i would and i would not have like tried to push him to go into the i think you know i i i respect the fact that you know it was uh it it summoned up some really dark feelings, you know. Yeah. But but I did find it interesting when they how they reacted to being in the mosque and what they discovered in the mosque. But most of all, I actually thought the Asa's family reunion was very moving.

I mean, as that was. Yeah. says family reunion was very moving i mean as that was yeah yeah as ridiculous as the show is the fact is you know watching her mom the anticipation with her mom when they're walking the streets uh like she hasn't seen her family in 20 years i mean that's like really crazy thing and that kind of like goes it's sort of it's like you sort of step outside of reality tv for a moment there and um it's crazy that she did not see her family for so long and that she was finally getting to see them. It was really beautiful.

I thought it was actually a very moving moment. Yeah, that actually was really sweet. But again, it's the mom who's like the sweetest thing ever and all the old people. Like they were really, really sweet. And I actually did get a little. No, Asa too. I did get a little.

Well, Asa's really not horrible. Like she's not a mean person. No, I mean she at least appreciated it. I mean it was – yeah, I got a little. No, Asa too. I did get a little. Well, Asa's really not horrible. Like, she's not a mean person. No, I mean, she at least appreciated it. I mean, it was, yeah, I got a little slightly choked up. That was sweet, but I'm sorry. I don't know. The rest of them, no. I really like seeing Turkey, but this just made me feel like, you know, it's only one generation away, you know.

I have to wonder if the parents look at what they came from and look what they went through and then look at these fools and wonder why the, what the fuck the point was. I mean, come on, you've got, uh, everything he said this week. I was trying to think of his name.

Reza, you know, Oh my God. Oh, this is all about me. Oh, if they knew I was gay, they would stone me. I mean, think about how that feels.

But he doesn't understand how the Jewish guy feels. You know, if anybody had Bravo, they would stone you. Like, your gayness is the least offensive of your personality. Yeah, I like that he says, like, if anyone so knew that I was gay, I'm like, Reza, it's all over you. Like, don't act like you're being convincing as a straight man right now like you've got a dick in your mouth you're not gay that's so persian to think that you're like coming off as really straight but you're coming off as super gay like my homegirl mj always tells me everything he said this week was cute, Carl. Well, when I looked at MJ looking at the church,

and then I looked across the street, and then... It's like, oh, my God. Can you even not... You just can't even come up with anything else to say anymore? Of course, I'm the one to talk. Well, tonight he's going to be... They're going to be going, I think, to the border, and that's when he's going to flop down on the ground,

and he's going to be like, I think, to the border. And that's when he's going to flop down on the ground. And he's going to be like, I am free. Shut up. I'm actually really looking forward to this episode. I think it's interesting. I think it's very fascinating. Turkey's really beautiful. Those people all suck. And I was really hoping that they were going to at least have to cover their fucking faces.

I mean, what's the point of going to the Middle East if I still have to look at MJ? Put that bitch under a black blanket with some little eye holes like she needs to be. And I love that Asa's, like, shocked that she has to stand in the back of the church. Oh, my God, you guys. Come on. Yeah, I mean, this is your religion, right? You are aware. Like, it's like I wouldn't walk into, like, an Orthodox synagogue and then be shocked that women have to go upstairs, you know?

Yeah. It's like I wouldn't be shocked that women have to go upstairs, you know? Yeah. It's like, I wouldn't be shocked. It's like me being shocked, like going to church with my meemaw and having to drink grape juice from the same cup as like 50 other people. It is kind of crazy though. I mean, like, so, so as I just mentioned in like very like, um, Orthodox or Hasidic sects of Judaism, the women and the men are segregated in the synagogue. The men are downstairs by the Torah and the women are upstairs.

And it's like very backwards. You know, it's very, very old fashioned. But I have to say in this mosque, though, it was like it was like even worse. It was like, yeah, you women, you go over that little corner over there, the dust. It's like, wow, that's rough. That's really rough. Yeah, that is that is pretty bad. And then you've got MJ with her gigantic, you know, like, gigantic boobs and her whorish face,

who's like, well, you know, I really am a Muslim, and it's like, I'm so embarrassed. I'm shameful to say I'm a Muslim. It's like, honey, give me a break. Like, how religious are you? Like, your boobs are in your face. In your country you would not be able to even do half the shit you do by 10 a.m yeah i don't want to hear it yeah i have

no pity for those people they all make me crazy yeah but it was cool seeing turkey and old people made me cry so there you go yeah and meanwhile uh the other thing is that Gigi and MJ finally buried the hatchet for good or at least for at least an episode or two. So. Yeah, I don't care. Their fight was stupid anyway. It was a really stupid fight. OK. So now let's talk about Top Chef.

Wait. First of all, did you watch that new show about Southern people? Did it premiere already? It was on late night, I think on Super Bowl night. I guess they previewed it. They probably previewed it. I don't think, I didn't, I did not watch it yet. No, I didn't either.

Darn, I was hoping you could tell me if I should watch it or I shouldn't watch it. We'll just wait for it to premiere properly. Okay. So Top Chef, so I am not happy. I'm not happy because my favorite chef, Shirley, was eliminated and that asshole Nicholas... I found my voice! I found my voice! Oh, hello. Look, I found my voice.

Do you hear me? I found it. I found it. My voice like watermelon. Oh, I like rice. It's like, congratulations. You found your voice. You're still making the same fucking food you were making before you found your voice. Shut up, Shirley. No, no, no, no. Shirley can do no wrong. I love Shirley. I love the food that she's been making all along.

I hate that guy, Nicholas. I've hated him all season long. I started to like him a little bit during the height of the Nicholas Carlos situation, but I really hate him. And you know what I hate about him also? He's the one who says that asshole thing every single season. Someone says, like, oh, you know, Carlos, like, all he

does is cook Mexican food. You know, like, there he is again, making Mexican food. It's like, dude, you know carlos like all he does is cook mexican food you know like like there he is again making mexican food it's like dude you know he's mexican this is like what he specializes in like why should he have to make something beyond that why should surely have to make something that's beyond like her skill set like you do what you are comfortable with you know nina makes italian like everyone does their own thing like why you always do terrible you always do five versions of the same vegetable so how's that any different you always do boring people food yeah like a study in carrot you know like here's a carrot roasted here's it boiled here's a pureed you know like yeah wow you you know how to boil and puree oh what technique i always I always Is that Martin Lawrence Blod? Martin Lawrence Blod is a guest judge

On Top Chef Carrot five ways is fashion I buy my carrots At Fresh and Easy And then I eat them on my couch That I got from Ninja So What was I going to say

Not to be too PC And awful like this But every season when someone invariably says that about, like, the ethnic chef, I always feel like there's, like, an undertone of racism to it. Like, I hate to be the one that calls, like, racism or whatever, but, like, it's always, like, the Asian guy who gets, like, blamed for making too much Asian food, you know, or, like, Mexican or something like that. I'm just like, seriously, shut the fuck the fuck up like everyone has their own patterns well no because it started uh on top chef i don't think it is because it started at least the first one i can remember is elan when he kept making like what was he what kind of food did he make it was like some kind of latin food well no here's the thing i don't know he learned to make that at his restaurant and that's the only thing that he was ever trained to make.

So he made it every meal, and Marcel kept making that spit foam crap, and he would put foam on everything. Well, no, no. I think there's a difference between using the same – making the same sort of dish over and over again. I think, though, you can stay – you can stay – make a million different Asian things. I think it's fine. But I think that when Marcel always puts foam on it, or, of course, more famously, when Jamie would always make a million different Asian things. You know, I think it's fine. But I think that when Marcel always puts foam on it, or of course, more famously, when Jamie would always make a scallop,

you know, like always a scallop dish, that's when it's like, okay, she's making a scallop dish. Or when that guy last season, I think he kept on making pork belly, like over and over and over again. That's bullshit. But like when you like say,

like sort of disparagingly like, ugh, there's Carlos making Mexican food all over again. It's like, no, shut the fuckly like oh there's carlos making mexican food all over again it's like no shut the fuck up like that's what that's what he does that's like his style like he's making different things each time well i hate that guy because he's whiny he has rosacea which means he's a fucking drunk and so i don't feel bad for him sure and i mean come on he has total drunk face like that guy would be an extra in Boardwalk Empire. Like, he has a homeless drunk from the 30s all red-faced and shit. Give me a break.

And he's also completely humorless. He's been humorless all season long, and he talks down to people. He's so droll. Yeah, that guy is really gross. And he's also the guy who's like, I really want to win it. Like, whenever he's in trouble, this is something on reality shows that makes me crazy. Whenever somebody makes a mistake, they start sobbing about cancer. And then that's supposed to make it all better.

Like, they weren't crying about cancer before. In his case, it's his daughter or his kid or whatever. If he does something wrong, he's like, but my daughter, I'm doing this because I never get to see my family. And then it's like, shut up. No one made you be a dad who's never home, like an absentee father. Why don't I take this time to feel sorry for your child?

I'll pity your child instead of you. What about Shirley? She doesn't get to see her husband and she needs a new air conditioner. Everyone has needs. Yeah, stop crying. Stop crying. Everybody's got something. It's like, I was watching, this isn't air conditioner just you know like everyone has needs okay yeah stop crying stop crying everybody's got something it's like i was watching this isn't bravo sorry but i was catching up on all my episodes of chef wanted with amber al which is like another cooking competition show and these

shows are just getting so ridiculous with everybody and their fucking problems like you can only get on tv if you have if you have cancer a with cancer. Someone's got to have cancer or Alzheimer's or some shit, and you have to cry a lot. And both the chefs at the end of this particular episode, they have to do this thing where they greet the staff and show them what food they're going to be serving that night. And both of them, one of them's like,

I was a football player whose career ended early. And then everyone starts crying. And then the next night, the other chef comes in. He's like, I'm doing this for my daughter because I never get to see her. Like, oh, my God. When did chefs become such fucking pussies? You used to be badass, you know, high school dropouts and drug addicts.

Like, grow a pair and rob a car, you know? I agree. I agree completely. Meanwhile, Last Chance Kitchen, we had the winner of that that was lewis he made it back but he then fucked up and was eliminated also this week so there was that i'm glad he didn't make it into the finale because i think that you should not be able to come back from last chance kitchen so late in the game well i mean if you beat that many people in a row i mean i'm really glad i guess i stick up for it because I really liked Kristen from last year and was so glad that she came back and won.

That was her name, right, Kristen? Yeah, she was really good, but, like, I still felt like it was bullshit. Okay, Matt. No, I... How dare you? How dare you? I'm just kidding, Matt. I'm clutching my pearls. No, I think it should be... I think you should come back like the episode right before the finale.

Then you fight for your chance to get into the finale. Not that like – Oh, that's true. Yeah. Not getting to fly to Hawaii or whatever. Yeah, exactly. Plus I also – I don't like the idea of a double elimination in the finale. I just feel like it's too severe.

The stakes are too high for it to be that severe, you know? But maybe I'm just bitter. I like it. You know, they always, I like it. They have a two-part finale every season on this show. It was a three-part finale, wasn't there? Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

But this one, I like, I want there to be three people because it is really painful to watch that last episode. Sometimes there is just nothing going on. You know, it's like, well, here I am, you know, peeling a shrimp. All right, well, I'm going to peel some carrots. What are you doing? I'm boiling some lentils. No, what I can't wait for is like, I feel like every Top Chef finale, someone says, well, I'm going to try to sous vide this, which I've never done before,

but I have confidence that it will work out, and my sous chef seems to think it'll work out well. So even though I've never done this, I'm going to try it. And then that person always loses. I hate that. Every single time. Remember when Casey encouraged Carla to sous vide something?

She was awful. Casey was the worst. She was like, I didn't do that. It's not my fault. She was like, I'm the hot one. Casey's also the one. Isn't she the one who served everybody chicken feet that she left in the oven too long? No, no.

They're chewy. I don't know. They didn't get tender. Yeah. And she one time said, I don't know, one time she said, well, I feel like I have a guilt blanket thrown on me or something like that. I was like, what a strange turn of phrase. I think she's one of those reality show contestants who was like, well, everyone assumes because I'm pretty that I can't cook. It's like, oh, god.

No one assumed you were pretty. She said something like that. There was one time where she said like I guess like I'm the quote-unquote hot one here, say, think, whatever. And I'm like, wait, what? No, it literally had never even crossed my mind. That's like waiting in line for a ride at Disney World or Epcot Center and being like, I'm the hot one here. Of course you are. Everyone else is on a fucking scooter.

Raise your standards. There's only, I think, ever been one hot female chef on Top Chef. And it was this season, that girl Janine. The Australian blonde one. Oh, she wasn't hot. What are you talking about? She was hot. She wore too much makeup.

She was part of the hot people purge in the beginning of the season. No, I wanted to be friends with her so I could be like, you need less foundation. You look ridiculous. You don't need bright red lipstick. No, I don't think so. She looked weird. I thought she was hot. So what else happened on top chef i'm just really sad that's it surely finally and then had to leave it's really sad and tom showed up with a really douchey what is that hair thing you have oh he had a soul patch he had like a little soul patch

which really that makes me think that all the rumors about him boning padma are true and he gets a trip with padma and gets his little vagina tickler grown out yeah well she's speaking of hot they showed the previews for this week and padma's walking around a bikini and it's like wow if anything can come close to converting me it's gonna be padma yeah padma is really beautiful and i especially love love the way that she judges you know like the way she announces things i know i love it because it sounds like she's just poorly reading everything but she's like we're gonna need everyone in the room nicholas we were really disappointed with your rice this week.

Nicholas, what have you made for us today? What have you made for us today, Nicholas? Nicholas, I really love the balance of the mayonnaise. Shut up. Shirley, please pack your knives and go. I found my boss! I thought I found my boss! I wonder if Emeril's going to hire her.

Oh, Emeril's another one that just cracks me up on this show. Because I don't think Emeril knows where he is half the time. He's just like so relaxed and like whatever. Like, well, you know. I don't even really know. That was a really interesting. That was like a Reza. Reza from New Orleans.

I think. You know, these guys, they thrive real hard. And they come out with things. And, you know, this shrimp, you know, this got some rice on it and it's got some spice I taste some cilantro in there I like it and then Tom will be like no I didn't like it he'll be like yeah I know what you mean I don't know either I like when Tom gets like really persnickety about something like remember the episode once like many years ago many seasons ago where someone made cocoa van and they used like a chicken instead of an old hen.

And he's like, but it wasn't a hen. It wasn't a hen. No, that's the point. It wasn't a hen. It's gotta be a hen. If you're gonna serve us Coco Venn, it's gotta be a hen. And it wasn't a hen. It wasn't a hen. It's like, Tom, relax. I like when that really bitter Aelia chick went off on Tom and accused him of using

processed foods at craft. Oh. Yeah, that foods at Kraft. Oh. Yeah, that was... That was really good. And then he confronted her at the end. Yeah. Well, I wonder how Nick is doing. I mean, I wonder if people are, like,

if people have really turned against him and are going crazy against... Well, I think people were on his side during the Carlos situation, but then after Carlos... Carlos, then? No, no, people... Because Carlos – they made Carlos look like an asshole. But then as people start to remember that, no, Nick is the asshole, all those little polls on TV were against Nick.

Because he basically – ever since he served up that dish that caused his team to lose but he had immunity and so someone else had to go home. And that was like his third time in a row being in the bottom skating through people would be like you know what we hate this guy and he's always like in the bottom and skating by he's like uh mike isabella remember how mike isabella got really gross i'm like all-stars he was like and he made it really far and then in the finale he suddenly like upped his a game and you're like no don't let mike isabella win this please don't yeah um There was another winner actually who was like that. He ended up winning. And he was a chubby guy with glasses.

I think he was Hispanic. Oh, Kevin. Yeah, Kevin, he like sucked. And then he wound up winning. He was terrible. And then he wound up winning the whole thing. I was like, oh, no. That was a situation where like, yeah, he just like sucked.

He was sort of like very average. He was always middle of the pack. And then he somehow won that last challenge and but then i think there was a lot of pressure on the show because they were like there hasn't been a black winner of top chef yet and i think that i mean i don't want to be like that how do you watch the taste no okay well whenever there's a cooking show whenever i'm watching top chef i get fucking obsessed i'm always cooking things i'm always in the kitchen and i'm always watching cooking shows so i'll watch whatever is on and right now the taste is on and i can't get enough of that so

i'm also watching to taste uk which is the same judges but you know not here and it's just so funny to me how different the contestants are. Like here, everybody's, you know, they got their cancer stories and like dying children stories. And there they're just like these like low energy, normal people. Like, well, you know, I'd really like to win this contest. But if I don't understand, it was really uncooked. And I don't blame them if they just tell me to go home right now i mean it was bland it was terrible you know and they're all like kind of fat and dumpy and pasty i love it and then even the judges have to act differently on the american show you know on the american show they're always screaming and yelling and having a fit and on the british show

it's like classical music is playing they're like let's talk about this deeply. I think that sounds great. It sounds like Antiques Roadshow. It's really, really good, actually. And you can watch it online, guys. So just look. Just look. Watch The Taste UK online. And you'll be able to find it.

It's really good. It's not on Bravo, but it's a cooking show. So whatever. Shut up. I want Nigella to judge Top Chef, I guess. I know. She's great. All right. show so whatever shut up i want nigella to judge top chef i guess i know she's great um all right so i think i think we're out of uh top chef things i think there's nothing left i think

we're done with the podcast actually okay i think i think it's over bye you guys we're quitting the next pod next we're starting a podcast about malls that's it We're giving up on Bravo. Thanks, everyone, for listening. I'm Ben Mandelker. You can find me at B-Side Blog on Twitter and Instagram and Vine. Ronnie writes really funny recaps of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. That's at TrashTalkTV.com.

You can find him on Twitter at TrashTweetTV. Please like us on the old Facebook. Watch What Crappens. Facebook.com forward slash Watch What Crappens. Super fun. Lots of good stuff on there. Yeah.

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