Watch What Crappens - #187: Heather McDonald in Da House, Mamas!

Episode Date: May 29, 2015

Ben Mandelker (Banter Blender) and Ronnie Karam (TrashTalkTV) are joined by super hilarious Heather McDonald (Chelsea Lately) to talk smack about the Real Housewives of New York. Then Heather...?s off to eat a Subway and we continue on about cartoon internet porn, Southern Charm and Shahs. Come on in! Heather's upcoming stand up dates: Subscribe at www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Ronnie on the Web: www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: @watch-what-crappens On iTunes: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch?id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:01:17 I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, and I'm, as usual, with Ben Mandelker, the lovely chap from B-Side Blog and the Banter Blender. Hello, Ben. Oh, hi, Ronnie. Hey, so today we have a very special guest, Miss Heather McDonald. Comedian and actress Heather McDonald, no less. Hell yeah. I know you from Chelsea Lately, of course, and you're hilarious. Well, thank you.
Starting point is 00:01:42 Thank you so much for being here. Hey, Heather. Hello. I am a housewife expert. I have been watching Housewives since the very first season of the OC, and right now, this week in the morning, they've been replaying the very first episodes
Starting point is 00:01:59 when everyone wore those awful sky baby doll tops and flare jeans and were like all frumpadumps and didn't fight with each other and you just had like sad depressing lives that they would follow like yeah it's amazing they would go and like play tennis and then like afterwards instead of getting mad at each other about the tennis they would just like sit and just talk about things just like pleasantly yeah yeah play tennis yeah it, hey, let's go get some lemonade. Isn't it scary? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:27 Before it got ugly. I remember the first scene I ever saw of Orange County was on a marathon day, and I was sweeping, which never happens. And Vicky was on, and she was like, oh, everyone in Orange County gets their car washed. That's what we do here. We go and we wash our cars. You can't have a dirty car here. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. do here. We go and we wash our cars. You can't have a dirty car here. That's hilarious.
Starting point is 00:02:48 Oh my God. I know all those like, all those like stucco little like shopping center squares where they go get like tapas and like an Arnold Palmer. I love it. I'm super excited. At every restaurant it's called something like
Starting point is 00:03:03 olives or something like that, you know? Yeah. Side of grape. Yeah. I remember that first reunion. They just all sat around on bar stools from someone's garden. And they were like, what do you think about that scene? Remember that time when we played tennis and then had an Arnold Palmer?
Starting point is 00:03:22 And then Gina would be like, yeah, that was fun. Those were the days. There was just like some sad ones. Like there's that one Tammy, like with the dark hair, who had like the two loser daughters. And then her husband died. But they were like almost like making their daughters be like slight porn stars selling angel water. Oh, God, the memories. Oh, God, that Angel Water storyline
Starting point is 00:03:45 lasted way longer than I ever thought it would because it was like the OC Angels. Oh, my God. It was like that weird... Oh, my God, it's so amazing. I know. Well, there was also, wasn't there like one reunion
Starting point is 00:03:56 that took place like in a living room? Like they were sitting on like a couch. It was like a love seat and like an armchair. It was just like... It was like... It was basically like the pre-Atlantischair it was just like it's like it was the basis i just i was with that i was just seeing it and it's like so dated that like slade was working on a palm pilot with joe like that's how long ago it was i'm like did he just run out of palm pilot and a pen like
Starting point is 00:04:18 what is that it was so dated oh my god period working, period, okay? Yeah. Back when Slade did that sort of thing. Now he's like, hey, I'm auditioning for a TNT show. Thank you, Twitter. Yeah, exactly. He said okay for himself. It's Joe who I'm worried about. Like, Joe, who, like, was all excited to leave and go to L.A. and become a music star.
Starting point is 00:04:44 I think she's, like, running a karaoke bar in Palmdale. Like it's pretty sad. I love the follow-up of like fallen reality stars. Like that's, if I wish that, that should be my show of like where are they now, but not like interesting people from the Oprah show, just like reality stars that like have to just not being famous or rich anymore you just go
Starting point is 00:05:07 to like the saddle ranch basically and they're all waiters there that's that's basically the moral of the story you know joe joe was a joe was a trailblazer because she was the one who who started who introduced this notion that if you're a real housewife of anywhere that you could then become a recording artist because if we didn't have her i mean we may not have kim or luann or even danielle you're right she's the rosa parks of housewives who think they can sing and she's probably literally sitting on a bus right now so a pioneer literally a pioneer absolutely yes so before we get into real housewives of New York, I want to plug you. What is your Twitter handle? I didn't ask you. Are you a tweeter?
Starting point is 00:05:47 I am an absolute tweeter. I've been giving good tweets for many years. I'm at Heather McDonald, and that's also my Instagram. And my Facebook is Heather McDonald Comedy. Okay. And you're MC, not MAC, correct? That's right I'm like the hamburgers
Starting point is 00:06:06 I thought you were going to say like the hammer but that's fine too you guys before we start rambling and I forget this stuff please go watch Heather MacDonald live she's hysterical if you've never seen her treat yourself guys Hermosa Beach Comedy and Magic Club
Starting point is 00:06:22 she'll be there June 18 the LA Improv she'll be there June 18 The LA Improv She'll be there on July 16 And for good old Gay Pride in Seattle Parlor Live June 19th and 20th Do Gay Pride every year And San Diego
Starting point is 00:06:37 There's lots of gays in San Diego Come see me June 11th through the 13th At the American Comedy Club Which is right in that Gaslamp district where it's all the bars and everything. It's a fun area where the club is. Basically, if you're gay and on the West Coast in the next three or four weeks, you have no excuse not to see Heather. You have no excuse. Somewhere.
Starting point is 00:07:00 Literally no excuse. Like, it's really, like, of the top of the line priority right now so let us get into real housewives of new york because i would love your opinion on everything that's been going on this season everything or yeah like before yeah before first of all but just generally go for it okay in general in general great that bethany is back great to see her talk a mile a minute i do find new york there's being a special funness about them talking so fast in their accents like i do like that aspect of that versus other franchises um the fact that she is having a meeting with her former stepdad does he have no idea what she does for a living, that he would come on camera and she just basically said that he is a wife beater.
Starting point is 00:07:57 Yeah. her for a skinny girl mojito and he's gonna be like ambushed and i mean it's amazing that that she just that that anybody would want to like meet her on camera and not think that some shit's gonna be pulled up like well that that is amazing that he would be here i've never seen so much family trauma treated in such a blasé way i mean there she was like well you know you know i remember back in the days used to beat mom and you know she tried to commit suicide in front of me and then like uh she uh started snorting cocaine and then you beat her and then dragged down the hallway but you know we all make mistakes i was like what huh i know and then well then my and my friend was like no i think she means her other dad beat the mom i'm like no i watched it and she's saying this dad thought physical too but he was better than the first dad so she's the only dad you ever
Starting point is 00:08:48 had she had a weird way of looking at it because it wasn't like you beat my mother she wasn't like you beat my mother and then blah blah blah she was like you did it you beat my mother in front of me like there was kind of like an element of like i don't need to do that like i think she literally said i don't need to see that five times like I think she literally said, I don't need to see that five times, like Lisa Kudrow in the comeback. She was like, I don't need to see that. I don't need to see that. Oh, my God. I don't need to see that.
Starting point is 00:09:11 But, yeah, that's funny. The other thing I find about the whole Housewives thing, which I think is very difficult, is that everybody always accuses each other of saying, it's not about you. Like, when they're trying to tell, tell like their horrible story and someone goes, I, oh my God, I can relate. I lost a dog or I lost it. You don't want to watch a dog about you. And what people don't understand is that when someone is, it's called empathy. They're trying to say, I can empathize because I went through something like that.
Starting point is 00:09:39 They're not necessarily saying, I want to draw attention back to myself. But when you cast seven narcissists they're always going to accuse each other of that and so it's like it's amazing to me because I'm like oh my god I'd be so nervous to ever use the pronoun I around these people and not be accused of being like a self-centered bitch exactly and that's actually to get back to what you were just saying about Bethany in a weird way it was slightly refreshing to hear how she was like well you know whatever happened in the past maybe who I am because I'm pretty much an every other Real Housewife.
Starting point is 00:10:09 The moment like, you know, they're like, well, one time you didn't like put butter out on the table. And like, I've been traumatized for that. And, you know, it's like they will take anything that their parents or anyone has done to wrong them and they will take three seasons worth of drama out of it. My favorite example of that is Lisa Rinnana on the real house wise of beverly hills when um she was fighting with drunk uh kim richards and kim richards started crying and using all this stuff and so lisa rena started like soap opera crying and then they're like why what's wrong and she's like this is a real issue my dad used to shush me
Starting point is 00:10:50 dad used to shush me or or how about uh on real house that's really funny or how about remember on real housewives of miami when when they were talking about something about like the trials and tribulations of coming to america and then that girl lisa's like well i'm an immigrant from canada you know oh yeah the immigrant that's She was like, do you know how much it costs in Canada? I took a raft over here. Admittedly, it was a tourist raft, and we were by Niagara Falls, but still, it was a raft. So let's start at the beginning of this episode. My first thought at the beginning, because they showed the scenes from last week and they were showing like uh dorinda's like her big old guy and then i think they showed something about mario and then i was uh reading an episode that they are reading about an episode they were
Starting point is 00:11:37 showing earlier uh all about harry which was about that gross har. And I just thought, is every guy in New York gross? Yes, I saw Harry at a restaurant when I was there, and he is gross. And there is that element where you get away with it in New York, being gross like that, because the accent is kind of attractive. And if you have money, you can be fat like Tony Soprano. Like, you know, something about that kind of stomach and if you have money you could be fat like tony soprano like you know something about that kind of like this kind of stomach that's not like that's hard fat right that's like but in a nice suit you get away with more on the east coast than a hard fat here or not hard fat like a swabby fat it's definitely like something where it's like he's in new york
Starting point is 00:12:22 or so it's like okay it's like hey you? You know, there's something about like, forget about it. Like, let me pay for your drink. And like, you know, we've got a wad of cash and something like that. And you smoke a cigar and it's like sexy in New York. It would be really gross here. I think just because rent is so much higher in New York, you know, it's like he has a job. You know, he's like, I'm fat, but I work. And so people, you know, are more forgetful.
Starting point is 00:12:43 Well, I like how, as Ramona mentioned, though, he doesn't even live in Manhattan. And like, it's shocking that I'm fat, but I work. And so people, you know, are more figured out. Well, I like how, as Ramona mentioned, he doesn't even live in Manhattan. And, like, it's shocking that he's even allowed on this show, you know. You see the shade that Ramona was giving him about, like, she's like, well, I don't know. I just don't know if he's good for Dorinda. I mean, he doesn't even live in Manhattan. I mean, it's just a different value set. Like, he's probably just, like, over the bridge. So snoopy.
Starting point is 00:13:02 Yeah, and the Berkshires, back in the Berkshires. But you know what? With Dorinda, it's like when I first saw her, I'm like, she looks very old to me, like old and not that attractive, but she's got like a rocking body.
Starting point is 00:13:14 I'm like, oh, she's kind of like a butterface a little bit. Like there's like, because also her voice sounds like an older woman. She sounds like Rosie from the Jackson. You're like, how old is she?
Starting point is 00:13:23 Like, I don't know if she's like 42 or like 56 like it's it's weird i don't get it she's like that um that old episode of seinfeld where jerry was dating the girl and he couldn't tell if she was hot or not because like in certain lighting she was like hot in certain lighting she was like not hot and so it's more like not like sarinda's like hot or not but it's like in some angles, she actually looks very young to me. And then some angles, I'm like, oh, she is way over 50.
Starting point is 00:13:49 And that's the magic exfoliation day for sure. Yeah. Yeah, and then her with her daughter, the daughter with the red lips and the dark eyebrows, I feel like if they lost their fortune, they could totally be Grey Gardens. Like they are that mother-daughter weirdo duo i think all every scene is just they never leave the apartment like and they're just like
Starting point is 00:14:11 talking about how much they're spending and the girl just being like but i'm your daughter so i'm just going to be a loser and sit on this couch like that's the other thing i have i have a problem with the adult losers on real housewife franchises like I don't care about your 20-year-old loser's child. I don't. Please, let's not get into that. That's not interesting to me. I like when they're divorced and the dad says that the kids can't be on it. I think that makes for a better show.
Starting point is 00:14:38 Personally, who cares? Well, and it's sad enough when actual movie stars' children are taking the spotlight. But, like, these kids, your parents aren't even real famous. They're just, like, housewives famous. That doesn't count. That fame you don't inherit. You know what I mean? They're barely holding on to that as they—
Starting point is 00:14:54 Because also, Matt, I mean, how awful would it be if we actually had to sit through scenes of Tamara Barney trying to pretend like she's a great mom? She doesn't even have that option right now, so it's great. Because it would just be the most frustrating thing in the world. Do you want me to make you guys some peanut butter before I fuck your dad in the bathtub on national TV? Come on. Well, it's not a question of whether or not she is in real life, but it's more
Starting point is 00:15:18 like, you know, Tamara's like so, she can be so crazy on the show that I kind of like her craziness to be just pure craziness and i don't want to funny because like that's like brandy that's what brandy always says it's like i wish my husband let the kids be on the show because i want people to see that other side of me that i am a really good caring mom and i'm like yeah but they're editing it down they're never going to show you being a good mom right he's doing you a gift by not having them on there
Starting point is 00:15:43 you know what i mean it's like they would get the one time that you distracted or you know um don't make a great meal or burn something or like you know kid being a brat to you like to like i'll never forget like vintage oc housewife when genie keening or whatever goes to her son's baseball game he's like doing like miniature final leagues or whatever. And he just is so rude. He's like, I'm going to hit you across the head with a baseball bat. It was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. And I was like, oh, my God, just don't let me ever grow up to be like Jeannie Keenig
Starting point is 00:16:18 or whatever the last name is. Like that is so disturbing. That's going to be in evidence one day for some horrible crime. Yeah. And so where is he and where is the OC Angels? You know what I mean? So it's like not having your kids in it, it's okay. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:32 He's in L.A.? He's in L.A. trying to be an actor. Oh, okay, good. Yeah. Well, he's good looking. Her kids were all really good looking. They all were. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:40 They were on, yeah, were you going to say they're on that reunion or whatever that they had? 100 episodes of like. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What was I going to say about those? They all look good. Oh, yeah. Okay.
Starting point is 00:16:53 Go back to New York. Okay. So go back to New York. Sorry. We're getting off track. Okay. Yeah. We do that all the time.
Starting point is 00:16:58 Don't worry. Okay. So. Well. Yeah. So it opened. The next part was Ramona's junior league party or whatever. It was her birthday party, her birthday luncheon.
Starting point is 00:17:08 Yeah. She's like, listen, Bethany, I don't want to talk about Mario. First of all, I have some amazing juice for you. Last summer, I did a show at this theater in the Hamptons, and I stayed at Jill Zarin's house on the water. And she took me to the one percenter parties and some of those women that I met were at Ramona's party like the one that looked like Liza Minnelli that they were like kind of yes yes wasn't she the one that got it when Bethany said that they all looked like they were from the Star Wars bar. And then they gave a close-up on that lady.
Starting point is 00:17:46 Yes, yes. Yes, and that lady is actually friends with Liza Minnelli. She was, like, in her wedding. They're, like, best friends. So, yeah, I met some of those ladies. And it really is, like, amazing. Like, that kind of wealth, I didn't – whenever they would talk about the one percenters, like, during the election, I didn't know what they were talking about until I went to the Hamptons and actually saw it. And was like, okay, now I get it.
Starting point is 00:18:09 Like, that kind of money. And I think Ramona looks amazing for 58 or whatever she is. I mean, she really does look the most naturally fit, good-looking. Like, I keep going, oh, my God, if I could even look like that four years from now. Like, she looks great. She gets those good. Yeah. And you know what I always say about New York is that this more so than any other real housewives, these are definitely like the best dressed, like most stylish women of, of the entire, you know, real housewife world. They all look great for the most part. Yes.
Starting point is 00:18:48 Yeah, they look good. I think Dorinda maybe just looks a little bit older because she doesn't have the housewife disease yet where she's getting something done every day. Like just overdoing it, you know? Totally. She'll be a completely different person. It's like when you're re-watching OC and you see how completely different Vicky looks. Yeah, I know. That's crazy.
Starting point is 00:19:09 She's changed her DNA. She's found someone in Orange. She's going to turn into one of those major Jurassic Park mixtures of all the different dinosaurs. Well, it has been like 10 years since it started. No, not 10. But it's been like a solid eight since it started. So, you know, it's like Obama. You age, and those are hard years. Mid-40s and mid-50s, those are hard years.
Starting point is 00:19:35 That's when you're in the presidency. That's when, you know, those are the high school years. Like, my God, sometimes I go to my daughter's high school, and I'm like, who are all these old people? And I'm like, oh, they're parents of high school kids. Like all of a sudden just shit goes down the drain. So thank God for like Botox and Spanx and spray cans because and like capped teeth because that's the only thing that's keeping some people going. What are capped teeth? Is that a thing?
Starting point is 00:20:01 Capped. You know, capped teeth. Oh, I thought there was like a new recipe. I thought you said capped teeth like um you know like a new recipe i thought you said no like veneers like oh okay no no you know teeth are really teeth are the best investment i think and they're not even plastic surgery but like once you get your teeth done it's just amazing because it's like that says everything if you have shitty teeth it's like, that says everything. If you have shitty teeth, it's like, that says you didn't have money for braces when you were little. That just says a whole lot, you know? Yeah, or your teeth or something.
Starting point is 00:20:30 So go get your teeth bleached and straightened out. Yeah, that is actually super important. And we try and pretend we're so evolved, but basically we're just still trying to buy horses. You know, it's like the first thing you look at when you meet somebody or date somebody, you check their teeth. Yes, totally. Totally. to buy horses you know it's like the first thing you look at when you meet somebody or date somebody you check their teeth yes totally totally nice let me see your gum line because i'm not dealing with uh your dental surgeries for the next decade okay buddy yeah yeah exactly and that's why if i ever play like a crackhead or something i'm gonna ask that they fuck up my teeth because i never forget hallie berry played a crackhead trying to get her her black son from a white woman in some like movie like chasing chasing Isaiah yeah yeah losing the best teeth ever yeah and I just saw Charlize Theron in Mad Max and they gave her bad teeth and I'm like good
Starting point is 00:21:18 good because if it's the end of the world there's not going to be dentists around so like make it realistic. She knows how to ugly it up. I mean, I still remember Monster. She knows how to do it. The greatest. Yeah, she's good. She's good like that. She's like, look, I'll do my J'adore commercial in a minute and look hot, but I'm a real actress.
Starting point is 00:21:38 Give me some shitty teeth. Yeah, exactly. Put me in the post-apocalyptic desert. Let's get this done. Speaking of post-apocalyptic deserts, so Ramona's luncheon... By the way, I was really amused because...
Starting point is 00:21:52 You know what is so awful? Everyone's such a fucking bitch. It's like, you know what? When we have luncheons for my mommy friends, everyone has to put down $100 and pay for the girl. Ramona is paying for it. Can you just go and have a salad and not be such a cunt? Everyone makes such a cunt? Exactly.
Starting point is 00:22:06 Thank you. I made such a bitchy remark. It's like, I'm sorry. Then don't come. I'm sorry that you didn't like the salad or that there were too many people that had fillers. You're all guilty of it, including Bethany.
Starting point is 00:22:19 It's like, oh, shut up. She's like, what's a paid mom at? She walks that line because she walks right in just complaining about everything and calling everybody ugly it's like she's like i don't fit in i don't fit in i don't fit in she yeah she wants yeah everybody i'm kind of sick of that shit like there's a new show on broad bravo a scripted show called odd man odd man out and like the commercials are like good i'm kind of sick of, like, making fun of super rich Upper West Side people. Like, so what?
Starting point is 00:22:53 So what? Yeah, you know what? They fucking married better than you. They did. Okay? So they have two nannies and a big house. Stop fucking bagging on them all the time. They're not bitching about the luncheon you are.
Starting point is 00:23:06 Yeah, and I also don't like the way Bethany sort of doesn't let a moment breathe for just one second. Instead of being like, oh, hi, how are you? She's like, hi, well, who is this? I don't know who you are. It's like, Jesus, just say hi. Just say hi like a normal person. But that being said, I also thought it was funny when they were bagging on Heather. Because, you know, Heather comes in. She's like, hey, mama.
Starting point is 00:23:26 Hey, mama. Yeah. And then Ramona's like, he's like, you know, you're not a black rapper. That's a cool dude. Which is like the most like white woman mom version of like trying to describe that. She's like, you're just a girl from the Berkshires. Oh, yeah. She's still with the Berkshires.
Starting point is 00:23:43 Oh, my God. She's still horrifying. Well, the Berkshires are better than yeah. She's still with the Berkshires. She's still horrified. Well, the Berkshires are better than the Fogg. We all know anything. Fogg is not. Yeah, so it's not about the house.
Starting point is 00:23:53 Oh, my God. I just like what she was telling, because Bethany, of course, is like, oh, everyone's ugly. What a horrible birthday. I hope you die. Oh, how do you feel
Starting point is 00:24:01 about Mario leaving? And Ramona's like, listen, today's about my rejuvenation. You know, I don't care about Mario. It and ramona's like today's about my rejuvenation you know i don't care about mario it's all about me today's about me let's celebrate me yay me go me go me it's my birthday ramona's like cheering and then she's saying she doesn't want to talk about mario but then the first thing she does she's like clink clink clink okay everybody it's been a hard hard year you know about mario yeah
Starting point is 00:24:26 that's classic ramona though i love it it's amazing and then and then the best is um what was i just gonna say what you're talking about thinking about everything keep going well we have to talk about we have to talk about the fact that there was a Swami priestess there. Oh, well, oh, that's Sonia. Okay, so Sonia, I tweeted yesterday, I tweeted on Monday, I'm so happy that Sonia is seeing a psychopharmaceutical whatever it was. Oh, that was amazing. The psychopharmacist, she favored it. She, like, didn't even get the sarcasm.
Starting point is 00:25:02 That's what a mess she is. I was like, oh, my God. I love all the interns. I love that she just keeps thinking she's the biggest person in the world. And you know what? I really want to know, how the fuck did this lawsuit go down? Like, I was seriously like, that's on my to-do list is to Google that lawsuit and, like, read through the deposition. Because I don't understand.
Starting point is 00:25:23 She said she was going to produce a movie and she has to literally pay $7 million. I think what happened was she said she was going to produce it. That is so rare that someone would ever win like that. Yeah. No, I'm sorry. I think she said she was going to produce it and then she got left basically.
Starting point is 00:25:40 So she didn't have the money anymore to produce it. So she tried backing out of it and couldn't. So it was part of the whole getting divorced thing. Right. And then John Travolta was somehow. Wasn't he? Wasn't there some issue with John Travolta in all this? Oh,
Starting point is 00:25:56 somehow. I don't know. Yeah. All I know is that now she's lighting her abundance candles and she's seeing a Swami priestess. Listen, if someone ever comes up to you and says, you need help, you need to talk to somebody. And your answer is, I am talking to somebody.
Starting point is 00:26:10 I'm seeing a pharmacologist. That's the best answer I've ever heard. And I'm going to learn that word. Yeah. Well, then I love later in the episode. Her only scene was like the was like that little what of what that tiny short scene where she was working out in her bathroom. And she's like she had like a Persian rug in the bathroom and she's working out. The interns were there and things were being delivered.
Starting point is 00:26:34 And it was just like, again, one of those, you know, Grey Gardens moments where like this woman who allegedly has this money, this big apartment, she's working on her bathroom. Like nothing ever makes any sense with sonia do you imagine though if your kid like you're paying for like you know nyu film school like 50 000 a year as a parent and your daughter is like i got an internship oh you did with who sonia morganson i just really want to be a background extra at a reality show and i'm gonna work that's my internship I'd be like, tell to the now. What are you doing? Well, it helps. I love it.
Starting point is 00:27:08 It's like five of them at this point. She's basically just going to preschools now. That one they showed yesterday couldn't have been more than 10 years. Oh, my God. Yeah. What do you think about Caroline's, Carolyn's guy? Oh, well, you know, I. Carolyn Radwell.
Starting point is 00:27:22 Radsy. Mama. Carolyn Radwell. All right. I mean, I support it. I think I think, hey, like, he's hot. He's available. He's into her. So why not? Like Luann has to get over it a little bit.
Starting point is 00:27:35 It's not even his age. Well, you know, this is like Carol. It's like, oh, wow. I didn't know I'd have this great of a body at 50. And if I did, you know, we're just having fun. But then the conversation about him making honey in Nepal or wherever he was. In Nicaragua? I was like, how do you call yourself a best-selling novelist
Starting point is 00:27:54 and then this is how you connect is like honey on some plantation? Yeah. I know. I love that it took her four years to write. It takes her four years to write a book. I'm like, God, you're so lucky your husband, like, left you so much money. Like, are you kidding me that you could just survive in that apartment? We've always, I mean, we've always, we've all dated that guy, right?
Starting point is 00:28:15 Like that hippie guy who's really into you. And he's, like, really good at sex. And he's just really chill. Usually it's because he's high. And he's really loving towards everybody because he's a fucking hippie and he's probably fucking half those rice pickers or bee cultivators in nicaragua so it's not even the age thing it's mostly just like you know that you're just with some smelly hippie who's probably gonna fuck anything right like he doesn't yeah yeah you know what the other? Like, I have boys who are 12 and 9, and I would be so disturbed if they were dating a woman 20 years older.
Starting point is 00:28:52 I really would be. I think it really can, like, fuck you up. Just like it would a young girl dating, like, a rich guy. Right. And then what happens is, you know, but it's worse for the girl because then, like, at 30, she's, you know, or 32, she's just been a captain mistress for a bunch of years, and now she has no education or, you know, no job. A guy can just, you know, doesn't care, but it's the same thing. He's just, like, seeking out someone older because it's easy. She doesn't want to have his baby.
Starting point is 00:29:18 She's not trying to drive him to a wedding on Saturday. You know, it's like, and, you know, she looks good. I mean, Carol looks good. She's got a good body. I mean, her work is good. It's just really good. And you know what? I think you like her, her work the best teeth. That's right. I like the teeth. There's like a couple spots in her face that I want to take a needle and just fill it. Like there's like a couple of weird creases, like that weren't completely full or it's fallen or something, but's pretty good it's pretty well maintained and to her body's good you know i guess what's funny what's funny about you what about you saying that like because
Starting point is 00:29:57 you know when you say it about like i would be disturbed by just the way i would a younger girl dating like a much older guy it's like when you say that i'm like oh yeah that's like totally true i guess i guess the reason why i was like so pro it is more like like you always see all these older guys prancing around with younger girls so it's like well why not let the let the older woman prance around with the younger guy but i see what you're saying from the other point of view from the from from, from the mother of a boy of a boy. It's like, you don't want him to be taken care of by a woman. That's like five years, your junior for five years. Like you want him to like get a job and be on his own. And,
Starting point is 00:30:35 and the thing is is that then a girl that's age appropriate that he could have kids with is going to be more work than this like woman that's rich and you think you just move in the house. And so it's like, it's the same type of thing of a woman like if you had a young daughter that was dating like a 50 year old man you're like well i'm glad that you have a nice house but if you marry him in 10 years he's going to be 60 and you're only going to be 35 and you're going to be really miserable like yeah like a 30 year old with a 50 year old is a good match they're still down to fuck they like to party but like 10 years into it it's a completely different story those are those hard years
Starting point is 00:31:09 you know where it's like no 60 year olds at the club yeah yeah people say that there's a double standard um and you know men do it all the time so why not a woman but right that people still are judgmental when men do it too they're just like oh nice daughter you know i i don't think it's necessarily more accepted i think it's kind of because yeah but i don't think i don't think it's the age like you start seeing what happens to your body i mean look i don't i'm nearing 40 and i don't necessarily want to be naked around people my own age much less someone 20 oh my god i'm horrified at the opinion of a 20 year old of what's going on over here like the spelling right stretch marks you know like the the words that my stretch marks
Starting point is 00:31:51 can spell like 20 year olds don't need to see that and i would be horrified to show that to a 20 year old person well i think that like i feel like i feel like i feel like an older guy with like a younger woman is the people definitely pass judgment on on on those situations. But I don't feel like those guys are necessarily as vilified, perhaps as sometimes a woman who has younger guy, you know, like Clooney with a young woman's like, well, there he is with a younger, younger or so and so. And then everyone sort of like moves on, you know. So I think that's why yeah my my husband and i are five years apart and um and i feel like like he's aging like a normal person but i thank god know what to do and i'm like staying the same so like now i'm more like a trophy wife like now we look more like we're
Starting point is 00:32:37 like 12 years apart which is amazing and um and then he'll have friends that have like, there's this one guy who's 48, his girlfriend's like 24, but I don't want to be that bitchy old first wife that's like mean to the new girlfriend. I want people to go by a table and go, look at those two gold diggers and think that I'm like her friend. I don't want them to think, oh, look at that couple with their daughter. I want them to think I'm on the same par as a 26-year-old.
Starting point is 00:33:05 I'm like down for it. But when you go out to dinner with someone who's never tasted sea bass and is 25 years old, that's a little depressing. I once went on a date with a guy about two years ago, I think it was. I went on a date with a guy who was probably about like I think like 10 years younger than me or so. And he like he didn't know what dates were like the actual fruit. And I remember thinking to myself, what am I doing? Why am I,
Starting point is 00:33:29 am I on the state purely? Cause he's a good looking guy. Like something has to change here. Yeah. That's so funny. I'm trying to read my notes about what happened next. I guess the next thing that happens is Bethany's failure. Her whole failure thing with her therapist where
Starting point is 00:33:46 she's like listen i just need to talk because failed talk show failed this failed that i'm just i'm homeless i'm homeless i mean the homeless staff is getting so annoying the homeless thing it's like so annoying it's like tradition so you have a hundred million dollars, you know, and, uh, but I feel like, yeah, I mean, I feel like that was just a situation where she, you know, knew she had a few eggs left and he was the first person that came in to crack one, like right at the right time. And that was it, you know, like it could have been somebody else. It was literally, like, yeah. And she had her doubts and thought, you know, and thought that she could be with a guy that was, you know, could have been beneath her. And she couldn't.
Starting point is 00:34:37 Like, she tried. And then she got grossed out. And it's like it turned her off. So then she became difficult. And he was like, well, fuck you. I'm not the one who changed, you know. You knew who I was when I married. Remember there was an episode in her show that his jeans were, like, mom jeans and stuff,
Starting point is 00:34:51 like, and it changed, like, dressed him. And, you know, like, there was a lot of that. And it's like, you know, sometimes that just happens, you know. It's like the same thing with, like, the fader at Apollo. She got her two babies, and then she like goodbye, setting out to the pasture. It's like, no, you are a loser. Thank you for the sperm, but I can't deal with your loserness anymore. I think she needs more of a webcam than a therapist because she's not really listening anyway.
Starting point is 00:35:18 She just needs to be one of those like vlogger girls on YouTube. Yeah. That's funny. like vlogger girls on on youtube you know yeah um so she was the guy who raised her but we can get to that i guess when we get to her all of her stuff um all the ladies get together for some kind of boxing boxing stupid whatever well i thought it was actually pretty funny when the boxer's sweat got all over kristin i mean this part i mean i would be horrified also if boxer sweat got on my bare legs. But I also feel bad for Kristen that, like, she has become so irrelevant on the show that her main plot point is that she got sweated on. She, like, like, I'm happy that her daughter can walk. But at least that was her storyline last year.
Starting point is 00:36:01 Yeah. Like, her daughter had a difficult walking. That was fun. Yeah. Like, now he's not being difficult walking. That was fun. Yeah. Like, now he's not being a dick, and the kid is walking. And it's like, oh, jeez, girl. You've got one more. Better get that blog running, because no one's ever going to be asked for a third season.
Starting point is 00:36:15 Oh, yeah. All she's done is been sweated on, and then she had that thing where she had to put saran wrap on dinner. That was, like, those are her main storylines. Yes. And, you know, I like Kristen. I actually like her so much, but she's doing nothing. Yeah. No, I mean, she's beautiful.
Starting point is 00:36:31 She's like beautiful to look at, but it's like you watch it, and it must be so stressful because they're like, cool, okay, I'm going to a car show party. Please someone flip their hair in my face. Please somebody piss me off so I can have a storyline. Please someone be rude oh good bethany didn't invite me okay let me make a big thing out of this he's like who cares i fall asleep now i'm sure everyone's like yeah who cares it's like shit
Starting point is 00:36:54 and she didn't even get to fight that fight heather fought that fight for her and she like pushes her daughter down no i don't think my daughter's walking anymore can we have the therapist come back at the cameras? Oh my god. I mean, there's so many of them. There's like, are there nine of them this year? There are eight of them, which is pretty shocking. I don't think there's ever been a cast that's been
Starting point is 00:37:19 that big. Because they don't, they obviously they don't have the space for an eighth person. And as you can see, Kristen's getting the short shrift out of it yeah definitely um well then they went to dinner and this is where luann got um countessy with carol yeah and said that carol's voice is like well you know i mean he's young he's young i mean he's sonia young yeah and carol got upset at being compared to sonia but Now, regardless of everything we just talked about, about the age difference or whatever, Carol did bring up a good point, which is that if there's anyone who sort of shouldn't be talking about this, it's Luann. Because isn't Luann's whole thing is that she's always out with young guys, like Johnny Depp, pirate guy in the islands, you know?
Starting point is 00:38:04 Yeah, but I think always her men were always in their 30s. I think when you're 50 and you're dating someone in their 20s, that is straight up, I'm your mother. I think it's fine to do 10 or 15 years, but when you get into 22, it's like when Adrian Maloofoof was dating oh yeah the worst with that yeah with that guy when she was dating the the like rod stewart's son or something right oh god no and then she dated the bush heir she dated the bush heir and and they were literally
Starting point is 00:38:38 like 23 years apart is this 25 or 28 i think it might have been 28 years apart Malouf is definitely showing up with the new models dang girl can you imagine being 20 years old and being with Adrienne Malouf and that's what your idea of a woman is come on kid we're going pick up the poop let's go
Starting point is 00:39:00 yeah but it's like her body and everything her body and everything is yeah but it's like her body and everything her body and everything is so good it's like she's probably better in the sack than like a 20 year old so i don't know you know it's like what straight people think you know like straight people think gay guys like how could a guy want to like suck another guy's dick but like the truth is with the gay guys we're like i don't understand how gay guys i mean straight guys operate half the time i'm like you know it's something's working for them i don't know i just have to accept yeah uh well carolyn or carolyn i'm calling her carolyn now carol got all upset about this thing and i
Starting point is 00:39:35 thought it was so funny watching the count i love that the countess never backs down is just goes full-on bitch yeah she's talking to yeah I love that she's so committed to that. Yeah. Totally. Well, she can. I don't think that Luann's really as mad about it being her niece's son as she is about the help. Him being the help.
Starting point is 00:39:58 Her complaint seems to be like, oh my god, it's like having sex with my dishwasher and that thing is supposed to wash my dishes and now it's covered in you. It it's like she's mad that carol used one of her appliances you know yeah totally it's like clean the hummus out of him before you bring him back darling um what else happened here i think carol is handling her pretty well for the most part oh uh-oh then i switched to pin you know shit's getting serious in this episode when I'm like, this pencil's going down. I need a pen now.
Starting point is 00:40:28 Yeah. Oh. Okay, so now we get to the Bethany. The Bethany with her dad or ex-dad or stepdad or whatever. Right. And by the way, did you guys notice that her dad. It's like so confusing. Like one dad, one dad trained the, like one dad was a jockey and the other dad just bit on the horses.
Starting point is 00:40:51 I think they both were in the horse training world. When she said that they were racetrack families, I was like, whoa. That explains so much because that's a crazy world. The racetrack world is – I grew up next to a racetrack in Paso, Texas. And that is a crazy world the racetrack world is i grew up next to a great racetrack texas and that is a crazy world and it also explains why she talks like that because she talks like one of the announcers at those coming around the corner number two why why why why are you doing that why are you there why are you there she's over there why are you there i'm asleep already yeah oh my god that hilarious. That is totally profound. Like, you're absolutely right.
Starting point is 00:41:27 That's who raised her. Like, her mom was drunk. Her dad was drunk. She got raised by the fucking announcer at the thing. Yeah. Time to go to school. Time to go to school. Okay.
Starting point is 00:41:37 She's up. She's up. There was this one. One of the first episodes of this season is like she sees Luann after two years and is making her Skitty Girl margaritas. And the questioning was like, so are you happy or no? But you're happy. You're good.
Starting point is 00:41:52 You're good. So that's great. See if you like this. I think you'll like it. It's a little bit spicy. You'll like it. But so what's going on with Ramona? That's a hard life.
Starting point is 00:42:00 That's a hard thing. Okay. But she's good. She's good. She's happy or no? She's not. Not happy? Okay.
Starting point is 00:42:04 And then what else is going on? You look good. Okay, I look great. Like, literally, Luann could not answer the question. And then she's like, and then she goes, oh, I didn't enjoy doing my talk show because I felt like I had to always, I was a traffic cop. I'm like, what are you talking about? Like, that's not what, you know, are you saying that you'd be better just sitting down on the couch with someone for an hour? Because, no, the way they designed
Starting point is 00:42:26 the show was right for you. Like, going from one thing to one thing, you know? Yeah. She's like a Hollywood agent who hails from the Catskills. It's just like this very like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da thing, you know? She cannot stop herself. Yeah. Even with the waiter, she's controlling. She's like,
Starting point is 00:42:41 oh, hello, I know how to do this. I know how to order. You don't have to tell me. Okay, just shut up. Okay? Oh, God, I know. That was so rude. She goes, so wait a minute. So I look at the menu, and then I order it, and it comes.
Starting point is 00:42:51 Yeah, I know how this works. Oh, my God. I do feel like the editing is weird because I always feel like they feature the waiters like way too much. Like, I'm like, get to it. Like, whenever they go to a restaurant, any of the housewives it's always like hi um we also have a special fish oh that's great okay should we have the fish and we'll have two ice cutters um i'll bring that right up for you i'm like why are we featuring this waitress who's coming back from like why would you even waste
Starting point is 00:43:20 two seconds on this like get to the juice like it's weird i always like i always like the waiters because it sort of like establishes this illusion of civility that's gonna happen like they're in a polite you know establishment with food coming and then they become like maniacs yeah they become crazy people and you're like no not from the waiter i hate when waiters come over and they're like have you been here before if you say no well here's how we do things listen you cook fucking food right like in that case i would be like okay tell off the waiter but otherwise like he didn't even well this is it yeah um well this is capital style and yeah he's like you may have been i would suggest doing two appetizers well you know you know, so by the way, did you notice that, like, so when Bethany finally meets with her stepdad, the first thing he did was, like, he's like, hey, Beth.
Starting point is 00:44:11 I was like, oh, don't call her Beth. Don't call her Beth. Heather made that mistake. And now this is why everything went wrong. He stopped calling her Bethany. He called her Beth. Oh, my God. So funny.
Starting point is 00:44:22 I love the friend that Bethany went to lunch with this is i've because she went to friend she went to lunch with her friend first to talk about all of this before she met right the friend is wearing like this huge wig and these huge sunglasses what was that wig i wanted to say is a friend wearing a wig i thought that's right she looked like she was camouflaging herself like she was about to get called out by John Stossel or some shit. She looked literally like Gina Keough. She got into a Gina Keough outfit and she
Starting point is 00:44:52 was like hiding from the mob and she knew the mob was coming because the dad was on his way. She had like a voice. I don't want to say anything because I mean, what a... Yeah. I don't know, maybe she maybe she has cancer or something. So I don't know. Maybe she has cancer or something. So, you know, when a black woman wears a wig, it's like a fun fashion choice.
Starting point is 00:45:10 But when a white woman wears a wig, it's either they have cancer or they need to be 5150. You know what I mean? Bethany was hiding. Yeah. She was hiding from the racetrack people. She's like, I still owe the racetrack people money. I'm absolutely shocked. I was very surprised to find out
Starting point is 00:45:28 that Bethany had a friend. That she actually had a real girlfriend for that. And that's the same way. They both talk the same way. They are perfect for each other. I mean, those two are perfect. Perfect little sidekicks. It's like, ba-da-ba-da-ba-da.
Starting point is 00:45:42 Yeah, I know. Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba. Did you get sued? I texted you. Perfect little sidekicks like, ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. Oh, yeah, I know. Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba. Yeah. Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba. Did you get soup? Yeah. I texted you. Hold on. Sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:45:50 I'm talking a little bit. All right. Sorry. My husband just came home. He texted me and asked if I wanted Subway, but you didn't bring it? I texted you back. I did. All right.
Starting point is 00:46:01 Whatever. Did your husband get you Subway? I love that. I need a husband to get me Subway? I love that. I need a husband to get me Subway. I live right by one, and it's so hard to walk down there. Last time I went to Subway, a.k.a. last week, there was sticky stuff on the door, and it got all over my hands. And I was really grossed out by the whole experience. Well, in the customer's defense, they don't give you napkins at Subway.
Starting point is 00:46:24 They give you that two napkins with your sandwich, and that's it. There's no napkins, in the customer's defense, they don't give you napkins at Subway. They give you that two napkins with your sandwich and that's it. There's no napkins anywhere in the store. And I live by the Fairfax and Santa Monica Subway and there needs to be napkins, okay? There needs to be a shower. I started to...
Starting point is 00:46:37 I feel like everybody... I feel like every fast food place is very cheap with napkins and the plastic knives. Yes, yes. Like you always have to ask for a knife. Like every fast food place is very cheap with napkins and the plastic knives. Yes. Yes. Like you always have to ask for a knife. Anyway, so I think I have to go now because it's almost 1 o'clock.
Starting point is 00:46:53 Okay, do it. It was so good talking to you. Is there anything we should finish up? I think we got most of everything. Will you tweet this to me and everything so I know? Yes, of course. Yeah, absolutely. And thank you so much for being here you guys uh catch heather mcdonald on twitter instagram facebook all those good stuff and go see your
Starting point is 00:47:09 shows we'll put your dates uh up when we put this podcast out academy is a new scripted podcast that follows ava richards played by hbo's industries my holla herald a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life
Starting point is 00:47:48 and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death.
Starting point is 00:48:03 Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee.
Starting point is 00:48:23 What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking
Starting point is 00:48:39 about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad free on Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th.
Starting point is 00:49:09 Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Okay, great. Thanks. Okay, thanks. Thank you so much for having me on. It was great talking to you. Yeah, and let me know if you want to come to any of the shows. I'll put you guys down. Oh, hell yeah. We have an email now. Cool, and let me know if you want to come to any of the shows. I'll put you guys down. Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:49:27 That's awesome. We'll try to do the L.A. Improv one for sure. Yeah, absolutely. Great. Thank you. Thanks, lady. Good talking to you. Thanks so much. Okay, bye-bye. Bye. Alright, Ben, so let's just go ahead and carry on with New York, shall we?
Starting point is 00:49:44 Alright. Okay, so she's having this lunch that was really cool talking to i know she's so funny i've i just kind of was like i was just like basically sitting here i was like i'm i'm gonna let her do all the heavy lifting this week because i'm just i'm like and on top of that for some reason every time i was like making a joke on like every time i said something like my timing was just off because she was so funny that i'd be like oh yeah i have a joke here and i'd i said something like my timing was just off because she was so funny that i'd be like oh yeah i have a joke here and i'd say something and then it would just be silence i was like you know i'm just gonna let heather do her thing this is this is not this is not my realm
Starting point is 00:50:14 this is not my no no no i'm sorry i kept moving my head away from the microphone to laugh because i'm the worst as you know with over talking so i'm trying to get better at it. I'd be like, hey, she sounds like an agent from the Catskills. I'd be like... And then you'd hear some obligatory chuckles from both of you guys. I was like, okay, all right. I was like, you know what? I'm just going to sit back here. No, Ben. No, no, no. I'm not saying in a way to make everyone feel bad.
Starting point is 00:50:40 I'm saying she was so funny that I'm like, you know what? Why am I even trying to be funny right now? I'm just going to let so funny that i'm like you know why am i even like trying to be funny right now i'm just gonna let heather do her thing you know and let you do your thing because you guys you guys are like the really funny ones i chime with my funny stuff you're in there say that but that's not true you're so funny on this thing but anyway ronnie how awful she's hilarious and she's actually perfect for us because she can't she talks like us she talks she says whatever she wants, when she wants. And so I don't feel bad about over-talking because she'll over-talk when she needs to.
Starting point is 00:51:10 No, she was great. She was great. And she also gave – also good – like what I liked also about having Heather on is that – and about any guest is that we get some slightly – we get some different perspectives on things, which is always good. Because if anyone listened to our bonus episode this week, we do definitely some help by from the ladies do you got some comments from people they were like you guys sounded like two middle school boys who never heard i'm like i know it went off the rails this is what we need you guys this is what we need our listeners we need our lady listeners to correct us i was like female circumcision is when you do this and this and people like that's it was that i've never heard of somebody getting their vagina sewn up i think they cut off their clitoris or
Starting point is 00:51:48 something maybe that's what it was but that's what i seem to remember them saying on antm and the lesson that learned is never take lessons from antm exactly so anyway the lesson is that antm has no lessons yes so uh for anyone who was offended by our lack of awareness on a bonus episode, I'm sorry, but let's get back to the Real Housewives of New York. Okay, yeah. Also, this is actually a perfect time for us to be left alone because it's so hard to talk about this without sounding like a total dick to somebody that doesn't know us already. Because her problems, bethany's issues now that we've actually heard them all i mean we've heard that she's had them but i didn't know all the specifics of it yeah i felt bad i mean of course at the end of the episode i was
Starting point is 00:52:34 like shut the fuck up but yeah as much as we've actually been trashing bethany this episode um i feel like overall compared to the beginning of the season, I feel like we're getting closer and closer to the old Bethany. I think last week in Atlantic City, we had old Bethany. And I feel like even this week, I felt like the way she was talking to her dad was kind of like old Bethany, you know, where she was sort of putting it all out there. She was being kind of vulnerable. She was relatable. So I was actually like more or less pro bethany in this uh in this whole experience well when you say um old bethany i've noticed that whenever she's old bethany it's when
Starting point is 00:53:10 everybody around her is crazier than her the situation is bigger because otherwise she's the same person it's just she needs to be the the normal one to come she needs to be she needs to be the one at art basel who is not standing around naked um and saying i'm satan's messenger or the not she's not the clown being fed she's the one feeding the clown she needs to be the normal one yeah that whole performance art thing i'm sorry but that's i hate that shit like a fat guy with bad makeup standing there binging in public is not really i mean i say that every saturday night in this neighborhood and those people don't get to call themselves artists they're just like trashy queens and you know what you know what really offended me about all that was that they
Starting point is 00:53:53 actually were charging people three dollars to pay to feed to cram a chip which into that guy's mouth i'm like you guys and then he's like but the memory will last a lifetime i'm like no you are such con artists charging people three dollars like this this is the emperor has no clothes right here this is not our you guys just basically getting three dollars worth and by the way i also could not have been more jealous of that clown because i started a essentially a no carb diet on tuesday and i am going out of my mind and to see someone being able to cram an entire chip which into their mouth was like my dream come true I was like no I'm going to Art Basel I'm getting my clown makeup right now my god I know I've been on a diet since February 2nd
Starting point is 00:54:36 I mean seriously what is it now like months later my body has completely stopped losing well I think it's because like once in a while I just don't care because of medicine. And I just eat a whole extra large pizza from Big Mama's, which I just recently did. So I guess that's why I'm not losing weight. So I've been on a half diet, I guess, since February. No more dieting. I'm only two and a half days in and I'm already like, I'm seeing babies on the ceiling. I'm jumping in toilets and swimming around.
Starting point is 00:55:04 I am losing it. Yeah, I've grew up with a weight problem, so I'm used to starvation. already like i'm seeing babies on the ceiling i'm jumping in toilets and swimming around i am losing it yeah i've grew up with a weight problem so i'm used to starvation that's something that a lot of people don't understand is that heavier people actually really understand starvation because that's what we think a diet is we're just like i'll starve for five days and then i'll eat a huge pizza and i stuck to my diet it's like no no you didn't but yeah you need to eat i can go days without eating well i mean i'm eating i'm eating i'm just still really hungry and i'm like unsatisfied you know like i've like i've been eating like chicken like sad chickens like type of salads like chicken and now we understand how bethany feels
Starting point is 00:55:40 you see yeah come from a place of knowledge. I'm having skinny girl salads. I'll tell you who's not feeling that way probably is Dorinda's John, who, by the way, one thing I wanted to mention was that when Ramona was talking about why she doesn't like John, I thought I started laughing, which is like, you know what? At the end of the day, I'm sorry. I just find him to be crass. I'm sorry. He's crass. He's not actually said anything crass. He's just fat. But I like showing up with like Russian hookers to the sex room of whatever old people bar they were at that that old lady. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's crass. Listen, you know
Starting point is 00:56:18 what? Whoa, this is really weird. Okay. When I was a child, I'm sorry. My father had three fat friends. Okay. And they came over and they ate all the spaghetti all right so then i couldn't eat anything okay it was like i was on a low-carb diet so to this day anytime i see someone who's fat and who's eating spaghetti i just assume they're crass like my father's friends okay i'm sorry that's it okay i like that she's kind of trying to hint at dorinda that she doesn't like him and dorinda's just not having any of it like not listening to any of it she's like thanks for inviting me to work out but i already worked out today i had sex ramona's like oh it's not working out do a one-hand push-up and she's like
Starting point is 00:56:54 i climbed i climbed a mountain of hard blubber today in flip-flops well didn't ramona make some comment about like dorinda being crushed under john's weight she said something like that like okay i'm sorry you know you look really good on your back is that because you know when you're on your back you're very flat because john's been lying on you and flattening you like a pancake is that why okay my old friend geraldine my friend one of those little fred cutouts that nieces are sending around to everybody. Okay. An envelope, a little crushed person, an envelope sent it around the world.
Starting point is 00:57:30 They can take pictures with crushed Dorinda and say, look, here I am with flat Dorinda. Okay. Oh, this is weird. Okay. I remember as a child. Okay. I went over to Geraldine Parson Smith's house. Okay.
Starting point is 00:57:42 And we were watching Gumby and Gumby was walking around and a car ran him over. And all of a sudden, Gumby was really flat. And so he could walk through all these cracks and walls. And I was like, whoa, oh my God. Seeing you like this, Dorinda, reminds me of flat Gumby with Geraldine Parsons-Smith's house. Whoa, this is weird. I have to go.
Starting point is 00:57:58 You're like a paper doll, a paper doll, a little paper doll. I want to just dress you up, dress you up. Whoa, you know what's weird? It's like if you were a clock right now, you could be like a dolly because you're so flat you could like melt over the side of something whoa that's weird this whole episode killed me i just love how she started the entire episode because the the opening scene of ramona in this episode is her walking into that restaurant for her birthday going it's my birthday here i am happy birthday to me it's a new year turtle time she's like her own annoying staff at the restaurant like you know how the staff comes out and sings at you she's she'll do it she's like give me the cake i'll do it happy birthday
Starting point is 00:58:40 happy birthday happy birthday look all the tables are clapping. I'm just imagining her at Applebee's when the train of six people come by like, happy birthday, happy birthday. And they show up at the table like, there's no one here. And they look at the end of the train, there's Ramona. What? I like the trains. I'm sorry. I like that they made a happy birthday song, but instead of using happy birthday, they used the theme to La Cucaracha. Isn't that creative? You know what? I don't like when John sings happy birthday. they use the theme to La Cucaracha. Isn't that creative? You know what?
Starting point is 00:59:05 I don't like when John sings happy birthday. I think it's crass. I don't think that people should sing happy birthday. Because it encourages them to eat cake. And I'm sorry. I don't approve of that. I find it to be crass. Don't tell John it's my birthday.
Starting point is 00:59:25 Why was Sonia using interns today? What was that even about? Don't tell John it's my birthday. So, after... So, I don't... Why was Sonia using interns today? What was that even about? I just wrote down 10-year-old interns. It was just like that. They call it podbuster, whatever. The short scene that's in between commercials. It was just like a scene.
Starting point is 00:59:38 It was a flavor. Like a glimpse into Sonia's life where she was doing three million things all in her bathroom. In her cluttered-ass bathroom. So I guess that's nothing to talk about. Racetrack family. Wait, wait, wait.
Starting point is 00:59:52 Hold on. We have something before this. Okay, before we get serious, Carol calling her boyfriend and him getting beat in Nicaragua was hilarious. But just that whole conversation, like if anybody has any, you know, like this is going to be great. Listen, I don't care about the age or whatever,
Starting point is 01:00:11 but just listening to them talk on the phone, like what do they have to talk about? She's like, hi, what are you doing? And he's like, nothing. What are you doing?
Starting point is 01:00:19 She's like, nothing. I hate that. I have nothing to say to each other why am i watching this scene make it stop i know i know it's well it's that thing like when you're in like when you're like hanging out with someone who's hot and you like you sort of like sometimes you just mentally drop your bar because you like you know you don't connect in any sort of way but you're attracted to them so you just want to ride it out for as long as possible.
Starting point is 01:00:45 And when she said, you know, it's not that I need a man every day, but I just miss the feeling of a man on top of me. Jorinda's like, I feel the exact opposite. Maybe you can come sleep with us. And when Jon turns over, some of his stomach would go up to you. It's like a blanket. I'm telling you. It's like a heated, hairy blanket that smells kind of like olives. It's like rolling a whale back
Starting point is 01:01:12 into the ocean, okay? It's hard, but then once you've done it you feel like you've done something good for the world. Takes a new meaning to saying blowhole, okay? Oh god. Okay, so now we're getting into bethany and her stepfather i think this is pretty much summed it up pretty well she did the basic feelings of it but just all the details of that story being on tv like that was awkward to watch well it was again it was just so strange how like there was
Starting point is 01:01:46 a matter of fact about it he was like well you know i was a gambler and the mafia was after me ha ha ha and it's like what no what huh excuse me every story she told it's crass yeah every story she told just got worse and worse she'd be like yeah i know you're sorry but you know the reason i'm still upset about it is because that morning that you guys gave me that bowl full of nails for breakfast and I, you know, almost ate it. And then I was pooping out blood for nine months. And he's like, sorry, I was drunk. And she's like, yeah, but what about that time you sold mom in front of the Walmart? That was so embarrassing to me.
Starting point is 01:02:15 You know how embarrassing it is? Not only is my mother a whore, but you did it in front of other people. And he's like, I'm sorry I was drunk. The entire month of June 1971, I was in a cage. That was very weird for me. I didn't like that. I'm still afraid to poop on myself. But what was strange, too, is the music.
Starting point is 01:02:31 For the most part, the music was kind of lighthearted. The music was a little bit more serious than the Survivor stupid music, but it still was like... You know, Real Housewives of New York has that bassoon that plays. It's like... It's going off while Bethany's like, you know, it's hard for me to have sex when I have memories of my mother being beaten and dragging down a hall. And the music like, I was like, this is odd. And he's like, yeah, but what about me? You didn't call me for 20 years.
Starting point is 01:02:59 And she's like, well, why would I call you? I mean, remember that time you raped the dog in front of me? I mean, that was crazy. I mean, if you're going to rape the dog, do it in the bathroom like a normal person. Jesus. I'm the child. I'm the child. I'm the child.
Starting point is 01:03:10 I'm the child. But you know what? You know what? It's okay. Because I am who I am now. I am who I am now. It's okay. Well, she did that thing that Heather was talking about where they're like, this is my moment.
Starting point is 01:03:21 Why are you saying you understand? This is my moment. When he was like, well, you know, I was hurt too. No, this is me. why are you why are you saying you understand this is my moment when he was like well you know uh i've i was hurt too no this is me i'm the child i'm the child although to be fair to be fair in this case i think that's a if there's any a good time any time to be like i'm the child i'm the child it's when you're talking to the dad who beat you and beat your mom and was at was like being chased by the mafia and so like if you haven't talked to him for 20 years i think it's okay to be like well i'm the child and you did this all wrong that's okay she's been talking with him so she's had a relationship with him
Starting point is 01:03:54 because she's only recently they've they've been talking and stuff like that and today they like actually like got together in front of the cameras but i'm sure they've talked about it don't you think like do you think this is the first time they must have because you know it was they were just really hashing out some very serious things and they just but they were hashing out in a way where they've already had they have like a lot of perspective on it in the way that people who are hashing things out for the first time almost don't have you know like usually when people hashings out there's like a lot of denial and then there's tears there's anger or there's just all these fireworks and then afterwards when they have time to let these
Starting point is 01:04:33 things sink in they're like you know what i did do that so they must have talked about this already yeah and when he was like honey you know you're a good person and everything's worked out for the best i know it was hard but you need to let it go and. And she's like, let it go. Let it go. Have you seen that movie? Do you know what happened to that girl once she let it go? She turned the whole island into ice. All right. Everybody turned into ice.
Starting point is 01:04:53 Don't bring up a Frozen reference around a frigid woman. Okay. Yeah. She's like, you know what? I'm frozen right now. And I'm in Miami. I mean, who's frozen in Miami? I mean, who does this?
Starting point is 01:05:01 How is this possible? But I'm cold. I'm cold right now. I'm frozen over. Who does this? You know that he, you know that Jason used to call me frigid. That's just insensitive. All right. That's insensitive. And I don't appreciate it. You know, I always wanted to go to Norway. Okay. You know what? I always want to go Norway,
Starting point is 01:05:16 but we didn't go to Norway because my dad was beating up my mom. Okay. So I didn't go to Norway. I went to the doorway. All right. Who does that? Who goes to the doorway and said, oh, it's so dark. Jesus. He's like, well, I'm glad we're okay. Yeah, it's okay. Because you're not, you're not, you're not you're not you know you're not feeding me razor blades for lunch i didn't i didn't bite into my sandwich today and there was a razor blade in it oh sorry we were drunk okay okay it's okay we're okay i have no anger i have no anger it's okay it's okay i have no anger we're doing good we're doing so so does this mean that there's hope for for for reconciliation with bethany and jill if bethany can get over if bethany can get over her drunken dad who beat her mom and told bethany to her face that she was never wanted as a fetus then i think
Starting point is 01:05:54 there is hope for jill zarin bethany is like oh thanks for that thanks a lot for that but you know i got what he was saying where he's like listen she was some young girl who was a drug addict didn't want to have a baby and you know that's why she was awful to you i think what he was saying where he was like, listen, she was some young girl who was a drug addict, didn't want to have a baby. And, you know, that's why she was awful to you. I think what he was trying to say was it's not you, you know, because I think a lot of people, mommy issues or daddy issues. A lot of times you grow up thinking like you did something and it's not you. They're their own person, too. And she your mom is a fuck up and it has nothing to do right with you even though you had to suffer through it you know although i think let's be honest the mom probably was like
Starting point is 01:06:29 i can't deal with this baby it's seven weeks old and it's already talking in full sentences the mom's like oh my god this this baby won't show up they're like oh crying through the night like no the baby keeps saying like what is this a rattle who needs a rattle i don't need a rattle breast milk is weird my mom's putting her own breast in my mouth. That's strange. I don't even like milk. Listen, I was trying to play with this rattle thing that you put in my crib. And, you know, all it does is make noise.
Starting point is 01:06:52 And I keep telling it, this is my turn. This is my story. This is about me. I'm the child. I'm the child. And the rattle just kept rattling. I mean, what the hell, mom? You know that Bethany as a baby was like the female equivalent of that,
Starting point is 01:07:03 that little baby in Roger Rabbit, you know? Had a little cigar. Yeah, totally. Ah! Talk name of that baby herman baby bethany yeah roger okay roger this is what you got to do i've been in this business a long time okay give me my cigar who's roger rabbit that's ramona please bethany because you know by the way you know that oh by the way if you did like you know ramona would be like and a shave or shave and a haircut for free there's anyone who's gonna come bursting through it through a wall who can't be held down by Eddie. It's going to be Ramona.
Starting point is 01:07:51 I love that Jessica Rabbit is still so fuckable because I don't know if you guys ever look at Pornhub or anything like that. But there's like things on the side of cartoons fucking. When did that happen? Because that's crazy to me but i guess oh yeah cartoon porn is hilarious all over the internet ads and it's like jessica rabbit being boned by roger rabbit and i'm like i really yeah you know or homer simpson fucking ned flanders it's like one needs to see that ever i once was hanging out with my friends and we were talking about like cartoon porn porn and we started out the joke started off as I wonder if I'm sure there's a car.
Starting point is 01:08:27 The Internet's so fucked up. I'm sure there's like there's porn about Jessica Rabbit. I think that was the way in. And then we started just like imagining anything. And we were like, do you think there's like Jetsons porn? And we looked it up. There's Jetsons porn. There's Flintstones porn.
Starting point is 01:08:39 I mean, I'm sure that gets fucked. But no, actually, I'm sure there's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle porn. I'm gonna look it up. I think that Barney I think that Barney was the bottom. But I remember seeing the Flintstones one and being like, okay, enough. And also, why doesn't Barney have hair on his back? Because you know he does. This is just unrealistic now.
Starting point is 01:08:57 If I'm going to masturbate to Barney getting screwed by Fred Flintstone, I need some realism, okay? Can I tell you something? Wait a second if you look up teenage mutant ninja turtles porn and go on to an image search it is hilariously fucked up like there is an image of the i guess what's the name of like the little sort of like like raccoon like friend that they have you know they've got like a raccoon like sensei oh i never watched that one i didn't get it well so it's like there's four in in in the story of teenage mutant ninja turtles they're the four turtles and then they're like their spiritual advisor is this raccoon who wear or a raccoon
Starting point is 01:09:34 thing that wears like a little robe the very first image if you do tmnt porn is the four turtles all like in some sort of like pool or tub bathtub with the sensei the sensei's on the back and they're jerking off the sensei there's also i was looking at it but i i think oh there's also there's a gang i wrote tnt porn it's like real porn oh my goodness what is it teenage oh tm and t point there's one where like one of the turtles is getting it up the ass from the other turtle and the other one okay wait okay let me describe this what i don't remember who is what color but whoever has like the yellow um the yellow is is on his back getting it up the ass from the turtle who has the red while the one the purple one is recording it
Starting point is 01:10:26 with the camcorder and the blue one is sticking his dick on the yellow turtle's mouth and kissing it it is horrifying i'm turning this i can't look this is amazing i'm destroying my own sexual life right now oh my god oh and i forgot the yellow one's also jerking off the purple one you know whoever out there if you're masturbating to cartoon porn, stop it. It's just gross, okay? Like, if you've masturbated that much that you've seen everything there is to see and you need something new to get turned on by, it's probably time to leave the house, okay?
Starting point is 01:10:55 Let go of your penis and walk away. Yeah. I'm assuming it's men. I don't think a woman would be jerking off to that. No, I don't think so. You never know though all right well that was fun thanks everybody for listening no just kidding wow this took a turn probably more about cartoon porn than you needed but yeah it's funny it's so awful you know what
Starting point is 01:11:18 it is you know what it is it's crass okay it's crass crass i don't like i don't like john because he does too much teenage mutant ninja turtle porn okay it's crass when i's crass. I don't like that. I don't like John because he does too much Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle porn, okay? It's crass. When I say it's turtle time, okay, I don't mean it's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle porn time, okay? Okay. Let's move on to – Two other shows. Yeah, we've got two more today.
Starting point is 01:11:38 So what would you like to start with, Ben? Well, okay. Let me check to make sure. Well, there are two – Here's they're two here's my dilemma here's my dilemma ronnie um i took a lot of notes on shahs but i felt like southern charm had more interesting things happening let's talk about southern charm first because shahs i mean there's really still only two main issues so we don't really need to spend that much time on it or do you want to just get shahs out of the way um well let's do let's do southern
Starting point is 01:12:06 charm actually because shaw's took a lot of notes so we're not going to be able to get out of the way because i have so many notes i'm going to wind up getting us mired in the details okay well this episode starts with cameron reminding us how awful everything is going down at this uh trip in jekyll island she's like something horrible happened i mean the worst possible thing that could happen thomas was accused of assault i mean this is worth a dirty room this is worse than a sock on the floor believe it or not this is worse this is worse than a gay person getting equal rights just kidding i'm sure cameron's pro-gay. Yeah, she seems like she would be. But I think Cameron not being involved in any of the action except as a judgy McJudgerson.
Starting point is 01:12:52 I love it, and I've always loved it. I think it's perfect. It's getting a little just mean girl to me. I don't mind. I like it. But it is funny how she basically has no stories. She's never had a story. She just is there. She makes commentary. she stirs the pot a little bit and then if we're lucky she gets drunk and does a weird dance with her arms a weird oh my god like she's swing low sweet yeah it was great
Starting point is 01:13:16 oh we've all known that white girl oh my god there is nothing worse than a blonde, drunk white girl, like, partying for the first time in 10 years, you know? It's like, wow! Knocking over chairs, falling down, dragging everybody. Just, like, calm down, white girl. We get it, okay? I'm just sorry that she didn't try to do a salsa like the one they learned at the top of the episode with that instructor. It's like, okay, now this is how you do the salsa, okay? So just imagine there's, like, a bowl of chips and there's a bowl of salsa behind you and a bowl of guacamole to the front of you and then maybe some cheese dip to the right and then maybe some, you know, pesto on the left, which isn't thematic.
Starting point is 01:13:53 But, you know, the Mexicans will like pesto if they tried it. Twist that chip into the dip. Okay, now, we're going to get a chip, twist it in the dip, eat that chip, swallow it, go to the side for another chip. Guacamole. Guacamole over here. Three bean layer dip over here on the side. Okay. We got a lot of dips going on here now.
Starting point is 01:14:15 Move that dip. Move that chip right here. Yeah, that woman is definitely hungry. Yeah, I was like – She's still wearing the same aerobics outfit from the 80s that she taught in. She hasn't had a decent meal since then. Yeah, exactly. Imagine her teaching the tango.
Starting point is 01:14:29 She's like, all right, right over here. Right over here, we got some hummus, okay? And you're just going to put your carrot stick in the hummus, all right? And then you take your carrot stick out. And then you got some tzatziki back over there. Put the carrot stick in there. Now you got some tzatziki and some hummus. You got a full meal.
Starting point is 01:14:42 Now you're done learning the tango. hair sticking there. Now you got some sea can, some hummus. You got a full meal. Now you're done learning the tango. Pita on the side and olives and grape leaves and back to the sfiha. And Baba Ghanoush, noush, noush, Baba Baba Ghanoush.
Starting point is 01:14:59 So everybody's like, oh my God, what is Thomas going to say about this big scandal that just broke? Catherine's probably freaking out. oh my God, what is Thomas going to say about this big scandal that just broke? Catherine's probably freaking out. Oh my God, Catherine's probably freaking out. Oh, I hope Catherine's okay. What's Catherine doing? Catherine, Catherine, what's Catherine doing?
Starting point is 01:15:12 And cut to Catherine. She's like, oh my God. I'm freaking out. She's like, well, Thomas, I got your back like um um like a hundred percent and i'm gonna get your back and then she just doesn't get to anything yeah he's like i really need you to come home okay and then of course craig interlopes and he's like you don't need to go home who needs you he doesn't need you there's your time to have fun. Yeah. Like, why? Like, why is it that, like, the moment he needs you, you have to drop everything? Like, man, like, just wake up at 2 p.m. and then hang out with your friends, man.
Starting point is 01:15:53 She's like, this isn't Busy B. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Let's take a golf cart to a dance class. That's more important. I hope we don't get lost on the way and have to rely on everything you learned from naked and afraid oh my god oh drag when he said when he literally said that they survived the night by by everything that he's learned from naked and afraid i just i mean it's not my fault the golf
Starting point is 01:16:21 cart broke down and then that tree fell in the road. And then that person was standing around who was going to murder us. And we were in Tahiti and we had to dig a hole and get naked. I mean, I watched Naked in a Freight. I was like, oh, my God. You're not helping. Oh, God. He's not trying to help. He's trying to knock shit down.
Starting point is 01:16:40 So, I mean, if that's your goal, good job. You did it. You're doing it so i love how like everyone's scandalized and then of course whitney are the biggest shitster of all afterwards he like pulls over he pulls over jd and it's like didn't it strike you as strange that catherine's not here isn't that strange don't you think that like you know you know i think that maybe she's like she's the one who set up this whole scandal that would detain the election to get back at Thomas. I'm like, you know what?
Starting point is 01:17:06 Like Whitney. God, if you apply half of this creativity to your filmmaking career, you would actually have a career. He's off. Well, he sounds like he's trying to write log lines for some movie. He's just so stupid. He's like they're in cahoots. And I think it's a diabolical conspiracy. And if she can't have him no one can i'm like
Starting point is 01:17:26 this isn't lifetime for fuck's sake jesus yeah some girl who's just fucked in a sand hole yeah she's she's just a stupid like young girl who is like immature or she's mature she's not immature she's just acting her age she's not probably not even stupid but like it's not somebody who looks exactly like thomas and then kill thomas and then she's gonna make that person the mayor of whatever yeah she can find thomas's twin the manchurian candidate oh god why she's like that because meryl streep is a controlling mother it's like oh geez that's why she's always chewing ice who said this i did not write this but i think the friend the boring friend jd was like
Starting point is 01:18:19 hey man i think you're i think you're driving an axe between this relationship. And he's like, she's the driving axe! Like, wow, good argument, Whitney. That whole thing, Whitney just looks more ridiculous by the week. Yeah, he needs a new wig. He needs to see Bethany's friend and find out
Starting point is 01:18:39 who's doing her hair, because his is just looking so strange and lopsided. So then we get to a political meeting back in charleston with robin right pen and uh meet sandy duncan she's hilarious she really is acting like this is the presidency and she's well it's you know what she should you know what that's her job i love how she sits up so straight and does that look at him you know like she just does that look like well she's the only one who seems to have any idea of what to do i guess and no one listens to her vote so i guess one could argue that she doesn't but well i'm sure the three well that's probably he probably lost half of his vote after whitney's
Starting point is 01:19:22 commercial and then the other half you you know, after the the allegations. I don't think he ever really had any. I think this woman's like, well, it's good to be out of the house. You know, blogging is a lot harder than people make it out to be. So that was pretty cute. Then what happened? Um, so that was pretty cute. Then what happened? Um, so my, oh my God. So then that's when she's like, what the hell, what the hell is going on with you? And he's like, well, I think this might be, uh, Craig.
Starting point is 01:19:54 Now this is his conspiracy about Craig coming after him. And you know, I just got so angry and that's what led me to that Facebook post. Yeah. Yeah. To make matters worse if you couldn't if you couldn't make a bigger jackass of himself he posts this whole long screed on facebook which i think we probably read on this podcast back at the time and at the end he says catherine and i are over so if the the assault charges are one thing but to put this whole thing
Starting point is 01:20:23 on facebook just shows a lack of week yeah shows such a lack of impulse control of course he didn't get any votes he's such an idiot some old man breaking up with his trophy girlfriend on facebook nice job buddy yeah yeah well done well done and then they showed um katherine i guess reading this on facebook and then she then she goes home then she's like yeah there's like this weird like simon and garfunkel moment where she's like driving back home you know it's like all the memories that we had what memories you guys like fuck twice got a baby out of it by accident and fought the rest of the time the memories were literally an old creep going you look hot and then yeah the next one is like yeah
Starting point is 01:21:09 i'm gonna do you good girl and then the next one is like oh yeah your legs these are the times because they will not last forever forever it's a little billy joel's vibe like these wistful moments catherine's like i mean it was so it was so over the top like their breakup nothing happening thomas being so drunk that he actually dances with her and almost drops her on her head what a nice relationship i can't believe
Starting point is 01:21:42 that this didn't last i know the great the great american romance of our time has come to an end. Like, what do we do? What do we do? When Patricia's sitting at home, waiting for Thomas to come on the news and loving it, I'm just waiting here to see the weather report because it's about to shit on Thomas Ravenel's head, darling.
Starting point is 01:22:02 Michael, could you get me a bourbon please i want to watch thomas ravenel unfold onto your television um then whitney explaining what happened well you know they said they just got lost on the beach and she's like listen i have had sex with many rich men in the middle of the night on that beach you can see the lights from there give me a little mud drip comes out and get back inside take a shower and pretend that it's all normal what a shameless strumpet maybe maybe that's why uh maybe that's why craig didn't know what to do because there's no lights in the distance on naked and afraid he's like lots i don't he's like i don't know what to do because there's no lights in the distance on Naked and Afraid. He's like, lights?
Starting point is 01:22:45 He's like, I don't know what the lights mean. Maybe those are like aliens we got just like, just hunker down. Hunker down until morning. They're watching us. From the electricity. And then Cameron shows up at the election party. It's election night now. Why are we doing this?
Starting point is 01:23:03 It's just nothing is gonna go well here it's just another excuse to gather jd's restaurant he's everyone welcome back to my restaurant poor jd the only normal guy in this whole he's like normal and actually successful he's like he's both like old money and doing something successful for himself he's like and he's got like a nice wife and kids and a nice house what's he doing on this show it may seem weird that i'm hanging out with these people but they let me wear my matlock suit never say anything about it so that's that's called a friend people call on down to my restaurant free chicken for everybody except for cooper he's from alabama um so uh this thing cameron shows up and this is where i started getting kind of annoyed because
Starting point is 01:23:49 cameron shows up of course it's empty and she's like well i mean this is a tragedy i mean this is the most tragic thing i have ever seen in my life i mean there is nobody here i mean this is like these shelves are so empty it's like the only library katherine would be caught at it's like jesus christ okay we get it you know oh i like it and she gets on her phone and starts texting and talking really loudly about how there's no way in hell thomas will win and how it's all a joke at his election party yeah well she's right though well so then people start to show up and then thomas comes and everyone you know you know what was funny is that like when thomas showed up they didn't even clap for him i thought for sure there'd be like a whole like this like craig at least craig like raised a drink and was like really
Starting point is 01:24:42 i'm the only one but like everyone like, oh, yay, Thomas. It was so sad. Patricia was nice in her way. She's like, darling, Thomas, I'm so proud of you. The way you spent all of that money and got nothing back. I mean, I feel like you're basically one of Witness Projects. Yeah. I've been down that path so many times.
Starting point is 01:25:08 You've sort of graduated to my level now. Just throwing money at an empty void. I get it now. Thank you for inviting me to this trumpet-free zone. And then Thomas, of course, his thing is, well, well you know i just want to change america but unfortunately america doesn't want change they just want some square without their life or a life of their own it's like you just posted something stupid on facebook and now your drunk ass is going to sit here blaming america sorry i mean, I'll blame America for a lot of things.
Starting point is 01:25:47 But, well, actually, I guess America is... I guess Thomas Ravenel is kind of a product of America's fault in general. Like some spoiled, entitled little fuck who thinks he can do whatever he wants. I still would vote for him. Well, for the fun, you know? Well, for the fun, but let's not act like all these other politicians are squeaky clean. I mean they – yes, they do have some more common sense than to post some bullshit on Facebook. We're so cold. But I mean like just yesterday – oh, actually no.
Starting point is 01:26:14 He wasn't a politician. Never mind. But this – but like a few weeks ago, a politician on Grindr, anti-gay on Grindr. They're all doing – they're all having affairs. They're all embezzling this guy has been to prison for selling coke in his like while he was in office i know well he's just like well i could do whatever i want i'm rich my name's on a bridge like no one's gonna go vote for a bridge okay i appreciate his entrepreneurial um instincts he has he's like JD.
Starting point is 01:26:45 He knows how to start a business. Oh, good. All right. Okay. So maybe he's not. Maybe he's not equipped to be a politician. But I've just become so cynical about the whole process that I almost would prefer a coke-dealing felon than one of these other wonks. It would just be fun to like follow his facebook
Starting point is 01:27:05 posts yeah that's true too so anyway um so thomas is giving his concession speech um and then katherine shows up in this tizzy she's like pushing people out of the way she's like move move out of the way god of course she arrives right when the speech starts in like jerry springer mode walking right in front of everybody you know you know the funny thing about katherine is that she kind of acts like a meth head but i don't believe she's actually on meth she just is so she's like a little herky jerky and she scratches her neck and sort of has this like smile that looks demented you know at all times she slurs her words and yet for some reason i feel like she's totally sober yeah i'm not sure about sobriety anymore because now pills have entered the equation. So is that still sober?
Starting point is 01:27:48 Like, if you're not drinking but you're taking a lot of prescriptions for, you know, whatever, is that considered sober? I guess it is, right? I don't know. Maybe talk to Kim Richards about that. Yeah. She's like, what? So is paint. So is sniff the little paint it's legal
Starting point is 01:28:06 people paint their houses oh no go down the street and tell people they can't paint their houses what are you the homeowners association well i know that if you take a pill at the pole lounge it's okay because it's like childhood that's not used to give me pills in that booth i didn't fall off the wagon because the wagon was full of pain i was just around the wagons in the fan so uh catherine comes in and makes this big scene like she's gonna tell him off right in front of everybody and craig is like what i mean she showed up to support him i thought that was nice. He's so dumb. He's so dumb. So Thomas actually terrified in his infinite wisdom does actually thank Catherine.
Starting point is 01:29:06 But it's in this way like I'd like to thank the bingo commission of Charleston and supply people and the Hobby Lobby for selling such dependable glues i mean would we have Christmas without the hobby lobby oh and Catherine thank you exactly and then he like and then he so then he goes off to the corner he's talking with Whitney and when he is once when he is being totally condescending to him he's like well at least he didn't embarrass himself i mean well i mean you did embarrass yourself but you know at least he didn't embarrass all that badly and then catherine comes over because she's like i'm gonna i'm just i'm just gonna go over and make sure that like he's like okay so she comes over and she's like uh thomas and he's like you know what i don't want any drama she's like uh actually i came over know i don't want any drama she's like uh actually i came over to support you but that's okay like that's fine and he's like well i appreciate your support thank you very much and then she stands
Starting point is 01:29:53 there she's like what i appreciate your support i'm confused thank you very much he's like what are you confused about do you not have facebook on your cell phone? Because if you check your notifications, you'll notice I tagged you in a post that's quite long and says that you are dumped. Well, first of all, we weren't playing tag. So I don't know how you could do that. So I don't understand, really. Listen, I have broken up with you. You have not responded. And I've also asked you to play Candy Crush Saga.
Starting point is 01:30:25 And you have not responded. I have nothing to say to you until I get fresh lives on Candy Crush. Thank you. And actually, I thought it was hilarious and like totally mean and cold. But I love the way he just totally dismissed her. Like, thank you for coming out to support me. you coming over to start some drama i love that whitney is acting like he's just such a great friend and he's acting like he's being supportive and he's saying things like thomas 19 people voted for you i mean that means that people at 19 people in this city
Starting point is 01:31:03 got up off of their couch and they walked down and they voted for you. They could have been doing anything that day, but they didn't. They voted for you. Like, thanks, Whitney. It's like that's like twice the amount of people that saw my documentary. I mean, you have to really be impressed. And so then Catherine goes back to like the table of women and she's sulking. And then Landon's, then Landon out of nowhere, Landon who's always been Miss Sweet Giggler, she's like,
Starting point is 01:31:29 Oh, it's a little misinformed to think it's always about you. It's like, you are at our party, so fuck off. It's a little conceited. It's a little conceited to think that. And Catherine's like, it's our party. This is not a busy bee. you're dumped it's no longer ours darling yeah um but landon you know i said this right when land i think or i thought this i think i said it right when landon came on girls like that i never try people like that but
Starting point is 01:32:01 landon those girls who are always like, they're usually assholes. And the minute you could tell, she showed her true personality for like one shade. And I'm not saying she's an asshole for telling Catherine to shut up. She was totally in the right. But when she was talking about it to us, like to the camera, and she was like, I'm really surprised that she's talking to me like this
Starting point is 01:32:25 because i've been so supportive and i mean it shows her true colors she has no class like for one minute she stopped yes i'm like i like that like her like shade literally came over her face like the sun was passing well that's what i love about this show because they're all so friendly and everything. But, you know, the moment the moment that you like stop playing by the code, which is that you have to like act a certain way and you need to have a certain amount of money or be on the path to get answer amount of money. The moment that you stop, you are out. It's like it's immediately like you just have no class. And I thought like what's funny, too, katherine has to be so annoying and so awful
Starting point is 01:33:06 because landon was on her side landon's the one being like well you know it's kind of annoying because my first husband like he just wanted me just to stand there and be there at a moment's notice so she was like she was the one who was totally empathizing with katherine and so for her to get her for her to turn on katherine be like it's a little conceited to think it's all about you it means that she's really like fuck this bitch right now yeah well katherine was awful she like walks into this thing makes a huge scene like she's gonna have drama then gets drunk because she did get drunk as the night yeah and then she starts complaining to everybody at the at the events like gross but i mean not a shocker of course but i just thought that was funny seeing that little glint and also she's
Starting point is 01:33:51 giving her the worst advice in the world on the beach saying you shouldn't have to go back of course she should she has to like you know stand up for her man or whatever she's a politician but you're bringing your own relationship into it it's like no i wouldn't go back either because i mean he was he didn't even appreciate it when i made dinner it's like it's not about you yeah yeah i mean i understand i understand that sentiment thomas has been treating katherine pretty poorly but this is sort of an extenuating circumstance where literally this could massively affect his campaign and subsequently his future and all you have to do is go there and you know refute the whole thing and said she's like i'm gonna have
Starting point is 01:34:34 i'm gonna have another lamb martini or something you know but um but i don't know i'm surprised any of these women can tolerate katherine because they are all like 10 years older than her. And you know what it's like when you're like in your 30s hanging out with someone who's 21 and like a mess. It's like you just don't have time for it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, when they get messy like that because she seems so much fun the rest of the time. I'm so confused with her.
Starting point is 01:34:58 Like I really like her. And she also like I really don't like her too. So I don't know. I go back. She would be she'd be fun if she was with a pack of girls her own age and they're just then they're just partying and she's not like in a situation with a guy who treats her badly whatever just let her be a party girl and then she'd be awesome yeah but you know you've got to have a catherine because next week we get to see
Starting point is 01:35:19 her running on a bridge in a pimp fur screaming that's like five sizes too big because you know thomas like dug that out of some closet up from the upstairs plantation room that nobody uses he's like this is my grandma ethel's but it's grandma ravenel grabbing on ravenel we're gonna put this on you to cover up your entire body so i don't have to remember she gave us the idea to build that bridge when she said wouldn't it be nice to go from here to there while she was playing bridge? Handed it right over to her. But she's like running on this bridge, probably the Ravenel Bridge or something, in this fur that's way too big for her, looking like a little girl playing dress up going, Thomas, no! Thomas, no! Plus we see shep loses shit over craig shep is really going through it
Starting point is 01:36:11 with craig he's he really hates craig these days oh craig's awful i mean after seeing him in these past couple episodes that guy's the worst at first it was just like oh he's partying and having fun who cares like he earned it he graduated law school But now he's like actively boating someone's wife in a hole and, you know, trying to ruin that guy's reputation. This is, you know, a lot of people are like, oh, God, Shep has turned into an asshole. And like Shep is being kind of like a whiny bitch with this whole Craig situation. But this is also sort of the way guys deal with when a guy sort of realizes he doesn't like someone else or he has an issue he doesn't really know why he has an issue but he just starts becoming an asshole to that guy that's just what happens and then the other guy's like whoa what
Starting point is 01:36:54 did i do wrong and it just sort of has to work its way out and then they'll be friends by the reunion they'll be friends again yeah probably yeah the guys do guys definitely do it differently and that's why there aren't any shows on bra about just guys, because that's how it is, you know? I certainly... You pissed me off. Sorry, dude, but you're a dick. You're a fucking idiot. Fuck you.
Starting point is 01:37:12 You have a tiny dick. Yeah, fuck you. At least I can use it. All right, man, let's get a beer. The end. Yeah. It's bridge water under the bridge that my boat is sailing on. And, of course, we're talking about straight men because
Starting point is 01:37:26 we've all seen what happens when there's gay men housewives with the a-list new york and los angeles yeah or on shahs of sunset or on santa monica boulevard yeah but yeah exactly we'll stick to shaz today shaz of sunset so um this week's episode began with reza he went to go see his flipper his fixer-upper on stanley and oh my god the permits passed and he was like these he was like oh my god because it's asa's voodoo magic priestess pop priestess shit worked and he got the permits like all the magic did granite countertops amazing your magic why is he orange why he was orange and in that scene he was wearing an orange tie and his wall is orange there was so much orange i know so he was marveling over that i'm like i don't really think it's pop priestess magic. I think it's just that, like, if it takes eight weeks for a permit to process, well, eight weeks have passed. So you got your permits.
Starting point is 01:38:31 That's all that happened. She's like, wait till I make Christmas happen. Yeah, I know. So that was going on. And then MJ went to a fertility specialist, which is like something she does every year. I feel like she's even seen this doctor before.'t there i think there was a season like two seasons ago like her dentist or something it's like they went to does every it's like the multi the swiss yeah i've persian he just sells mercedes he sells mercedes like let me watch let me wash my hands
Starting point is 01:38:59 before i go into your vagina i just finished a dental cleaning yeah he's like uh he's like a part-time dentist car salesman jeweler and fertility specialist he's like i'm gonna fix your eggs and then get you into a great mercedes yeah so she actually saw this fertility specialist like two seasons ago because the whole thing was like oh my god how funny we went to high school together and so i was like i thought it was a little bizarre that they went back and also i'm so sick of women on bravo shows going to fertility specialists i mean you know the only thing that's only thing that's more tired than this storyline is the is the fake baby to see if they can be an actual mother is this really the path you want to go down oh be careful that's next i really thought that's where they were going with the dog me too i was like oh no it's gonna be fake baby time
Starting point is 01:39:49 yeah um reza making jokes at a fertility clinic about fertility was pretty funny he's like hey oh here we are we're in the egg factory to see if you can still make an omelet because that would be terrible no man wants a woman who can't cook an omelette homegirl needs to have some eggs i mean it's like going to a brunch spot they don't have eggs like no one wants that i mean homegirl got her what's a bitch gotta do to get some eggs around here am i right huh if you have a baby it's not even gonna be just a normal baby it's gonna be like a Fiesta Burrito Southwestern omelet baby from IHOP. That shit's going to be huge and flavorful. You know, Mercedes, when she has an egg, it's going to be like an egg Benedict. You're going to poke into it. It's
Starting point is 01:40:35 just going to go running everywhere. You know, Mercedes eggs, when she has an egg, it's going to be like that egg that Mort came out of. she's gonna be so surprised because it's gonna be huge it's gonna be this big coke addict baby that just crawls out of her you know what i wouldn't be surprised if her egg is like a cadbury cream egg looks like shit on the outside it's full of weird goo on the inside that's some funny shit yeah so anyway so she goes to fertility specialist yada yada yada and um she finds out that her eggs are in great condition she starts to cry yada yada yada so then for that baby could you imagine trying to squeeze through that it's like what a way to make it into life she's gonna be like why does my baby have like a fucking cylinder shaped head i think it'll be a great experience for the baby
Starting point is 01:41:29 it'll feel like being hugged a thousand times flat dorinda when it comes out no it's what i was saying before i was calling him fred it's flat stanley not flat fred oh well i got what you meant i i got what you meant um so then we go to asa's mom who's the cutest fucking thing in the world i love her new house and did you notice that during the scene as she's like looking at her new house the entire time she's wearing a t-shirt that has a bikini body on it yes it was like clearly bought from like some tourists yeah it was no yeah exactly carol no it was clearly bought from like some tchotchke shop on holland boulevard or like rohoboth beach and she's like dancing she's like oh look at the kitchen look at the kitchen
Starting point is 01:42:16 and like the entire time i'm just looking at this bikini shirt i love her when she walked up and she's like oh look it's the 50 shades of gray yeah no no what happens in that bedroom and then they're like she's feeding a cheeto to the cat I mean she's kind of a disaster but amazing uh so that was cute and then they well and then they wait I have to say then they they put all all this time and effort into like making this beautiful new house and the first thing that asa does she's like hey mommy mommy mashti we're gonna hang up an evil eye so that way it keeps off evil spirits and she puts this trinket this ugly eyeball right over the doorway right in your face i'm like why would you do that and i was like and i know i know who won't be coming by but i I love it. Gretchen Rossi. Gretchen Rossi. She put up an, however, she put up an evil eye.
Starting point is 01:43:08 However. How could you do that to me? However. I really like your new house. However. Tamara's looking at me from the door. However. That's her doorbell
Starting point is 01:43:25 oh gretchen we miss you come back yeah she's so nice to us so blah blah blah so the next so next is mike's mike sold a house in the valley so there was that which i'm not convinced that he did anything for because he's like it's like watching the credits after one of your friends youtube videos that they made for like no no money but the the video lasts five minutes but the credits are like five minutes yes they credit they're like the barista at starbucks for writing my name on the cup it's like shut up no one cares it's a youtube movie you're not winning anything exactly and so then mj came in um by the way there was so much bad makeup on this episode i mean mj and asa their makeup was so crazy ridiculous i mean i couldn't help if this was i was thinking
Starting point is 01:44:16 this might be just like some strange like tie-in promotion with the new poltergeist coming out because everyone looked like a clown all right i was afraid i'm like now afraid to look under my bed because i think mj might be under there and she'll grab me and pull me under it could be uh it could be a tie-in with home depot because of the show kim sniffing paint yeah spackled on spackling their paint on yeah so so mj's there and then she basically tells mike that she wants mike to apologize. I'm just like, this is so, it's getting so tiresome. He's never going to apologize. And, you know, and I have to say, even though we all think that Mike did something, okay, and it seems pretty evident that he did and Gigi passed a lie detector.
Starting point is 01:45:03 Oddly enough, I don't feel like he should apologize because there's no actual proof you know and i just kind of feel like move on is not a big deal i mean exactly i have gotten drunk and tried to fuck friends of mine before and trust me we did not have this issue they either did it or they just said stop you're gross and drunk. Go away. Well, I think the conversation should not be MJ saying you have to apologize to Gigi. The conversation should be you need to sit down, Gigi,
Starting point is 01:45:33 because she thinks you did this, and if you're saying you didn't do it, then you have to explain what it was and make peace. That's what MJ should be saying, not like you should be apologizing. I'm just really sick of this whole thing. Yeah, but it's the season long arc.
Starting point is 01:45:48 So get ready for more. Because next week it's now he's apologizing. And Ole Miss is like, you're apologizing for trying to fuck me. Oh, God. If there's anything more tiresome than this storyline, it's Bobby and Asifa fake bickering. Then this storyline, it's Bobby and Asifa fake bickering, where once again, he's like smiling and his all his his terrible, terrible hair plugs are just like standing on edge. And he can't even like complain properly without it seeming totally fake. God, even in front of his mom, the mom comes over and they're fighting.
Starting point is 01:46:23 It's just so gross to watch. Who cares? And listen, if your boyfriend fucked one of your friends after he broke up with you that's fair too you have to you have to get over it by the way have you noticed that bobby's facial hair doesn't it sort of look like a lesbian and drag you know wait lesbians put on that they put on that that that weird like pencil thin beard every single time yes bobby's just like generally the whole thing is kind of like a drag king you know you're yeah you're like wow i've never seen something like this before i'm actually excited and then they open their mouth and you're like they're just
Starting point is 01:46:55 another fucking bad lip syncer just like the rest of them you know exactly so anyway so bobby's mom comes over and they decided uh they got some food from a restaurant and they're bringing it out and then it's like Asifa wants to take the food out in the containers and Bobby's like babe babe we gotta put it on a plate she's like babe you wanna take the food out on a plate and he's like babe
Starting point is 01:47:16 babe babe be a man be a man eat out of a container no you always do this this is why we can't get married babe babe babe so gross and then later when they have lunch or dinner or whatever meal it was everyone on the show eats that's all they do is eat on the show they um they're having some meal and then they bring it up again and then they start fighting again about stupid shit it's like she's but you know he he's awful but she's i think she's worse because she's she's constantly emasculating him she's always saying like you should be a big boy and
Starting point is 01:47:50 visit your mom we shouldn't have your mom move to la be a man and visit your mom it's like oh you're so obnoxious oh my god the the waiter that the bread that this waiter brought god it's so hard and stale it's stale like my marriage but at least it's still hard and stale. It's stale like my marriage, but at least it's still hard, unlike Bobby. She's just so awful. And just to get back to this thing that she keeps on dragging out about how Bobby boned one of her friends when they were broken up. It's like, you know what? If that's a problem for you and I can see why it would be a problem, I get that. But don't take him back.
Starting point is 01:48:24 Don't take him back and then like hold it over his head you either accept it and take it back and move forward or be mad at him and just go on to some other dude like just shut up i like have no sympathy for her line like i don't even like talking about it because they're just doing it for the cameras and they're also that couple that i hate in real life that just wants to fight in front of you like no bye yeah exactly so then I did love when he said uh first of all everyone in this episode is saying we'll work it out in Thailand which is so funny because Thailand why are you gonna go are they all gonna get like a way to work it out are they all gonna get like gender reassignment surgery or something is that
Starting point is 01:48:59 gonna fix it all everybody's gonna work it out in Thailand and he's telling Asa at their own lunch like oh well we're gonna work this out in Thailandailand and he's telling asa at their own lunch like oh well we're gonna work this out in thailand and then he tells us you know maybe thailand uh maybe it'll bring back the girl that asafa used to be i'm like you know what's in thailand right you know he's like i can't wait to have the whore back that i that i yeah i know i know it's basically them saying like listen let's not talk about this now let's save the content for a really good vacation episode um so then there was a picnic uh where gg and her new guy were with mj and mj's guy and then gg like something like bolts up because now she's afraid of ants i'm like you're afraid of ants imagine how scared the ants are they're
Starting point is 01:49:44 like who the fuck is this bitch standing on top of us like she's crazy we can tell she's crazy let's move the hill don't move the hill she's ruined the colony everybody's drunk oh god colony collapses in on itself a bunch of drunk ass ants i know i like that mja showed up in a tennis outfit complete with tennis hat and uggs um and you know that bitch has never played tennis in her life and i love that she's still in that mode with her boyfriend where she's like hi i really like your shirt and he's like hey babe i really like your. Well, glad you guys are working out. That's fun.
Starting point is 01:50:28 So then Adam and Reza go to therapy. Oh, my God. Reza is the worst. By the way, I just want to say. He's so mean. I just want to say this therapist has the most soothing voice of all time. You know, like I could just sit and listen to him like narrate things. It's like, so you enjoy free balling and facial calm well that's fantastic how does that make
Starting point is 01:50:50 you feel reza reza do you like reza do you like my couch it's a nice couch isn't it has to make you feel bad adam is adam like a couch do you want to sit on adam great free ball my hair gets caught in my zipper and it hurts i understand reza because zippers zippers are a bitch and we don't know it i can't free ball because otherwise i have to wear something other than chevron pants the pattern covers up the erection reza is such an awful fucking human being i don't know why anybody would marry him who takes their man on national tv to a therapist and tells the entire world that he's looking at big dick, come on your face, free-balling porn. Yeah. And is a total sex addict pervert.
Starting point is 01:51:33 Like, gross. Why would you do that? And poor Adam, whose innocent little parents we just saw last week. Yeah. Adam with his run over. He's sitting there. Can't even believe it. he's just like his little chicken run face is like what what huh what he just looks stunned he's not even bothering anymore
Starting point is 01:51:53 running away from the chicken factory he's just lying down on the conveyor belt getting ready to be turned into a hot dog like dude run there would be no chicken run movies if they all acted like you and he's sitting there he's crying reza is not even bothering with a fake cry reza's not even like i feel like you know he's a wonderful guy and i love him but i just don't think we have any future he's not even bothering he's like he's like bitch gotta have sex i'm sorry how about you address the fact that you've gained 50 pounds since you've started dating this guy and stop shaving your nuts or whatever's going on? Like, it's not always about the other person. I don't like that he's asking, is it something I'm doing?
Starting point is 01:52:34 Am I emasculating you? What is it? You know, he's not looking within himself. It's all about Adam. It's like if this fuck toy isn't going to be there two times a day, then forget it. You know, by the way, by the way, I think it's all fake anyway, because I think the plan is I think that Reza did not want to have a wedding in Thailand because he wants everyone in Westwood to be able to come to it. So they're going to break up. They're going to go to Thailand.
Starting point is 01:52:59 It'll be a vacation. He'll come back. He'll realize how much he misses Adam. And then they'll have their big Persian wedding. Yeah, he's collecting gifts from everywhere huh that's actually a good very good thought actually i'll bet that is what he's doing good call yeah but if for some reason it doesn't work out adam like don't worry just go to akbar in los feliz and you'll find many bears and otters and whatever people with big mustaches and people don't know this little secret but if you need
Starting point is 01:53:21 a fat hairy guy we're usually on the east side yeah come over there yeah um so then that was just mortifying to watch and i wanted adam to run the hell away but he doesn't he just keeps looking for assurance from reza and you know i hope that i find poor adam as a person huh poor adam like the therapist is like so adam what sort of problems do you think you have with Reza? And I'm like, I don't know. Reza, what do you think my problems are? Oh, you poor baby. Get out of there. Adam's like nothing. I really love him. And, you know, when he came into my life, I became part of his friend group and we blended everything.
Starting point is 01:54:00 And so now I don't really know what to do. You know, it's like I still remember the first time we met and we chopped parsley in a cooking glass. And I kind of felt like we've been chasing that high ever since. Maybe I wouldn't have had sex with him then either, but the knives weren't wearing any underwear and it turned me on. You know, I've always felt like our relationship was very exciting. Remember one time we had a picnic and we brought Persian food and Tupperware?
Starting point is 01:54:24 I was like, wow, that's crazy. One time we got Subway together and Reza put sriracha sauce on mine. And I was like, this is the man I'm going to marry. One time we went to Subway and I was like, could I have a six inch on wheat? And Reza's like, no, why don't you get the 12 inch on the jalapeno bread? So I did and I ate half of it. And it was really exciting. So this was another week of somebody giving advice based on their own lives, which is completely inappropriate.
Starting point is 01:54:54 And this is when Reza went to brunch with all the friends and announces that he's not marrying Adam and all this stuff. Can we talk about Reza's shirt? He wore some crazy ass thing with these sleeves. The sleeves look like the ceiling of the Bellagio Casino. I don't know if you've ever seen that. It's like this weird, like, multicolored display. And it was all on his sleeves. I was like, what are you doing, Reza?
Starting point is 01:55:15 I wonder why Adam's not turned on by you. It's just like an assault on the eyes at all times with patterns and colors. Yeah, maybe he's just afraid of orange. So he announces at brunch okay and reza's such a fucking asshole that this is how he announces it the wedding's off we're not getting married but we're still gonna go to thailand adam's not gonna come and i would encourage all of you not to reach out to him because he needs his space it's like fuck you so now you're telling your friends that they can't even call this guy who they've become friends with this guy's just not a nice
Starting point is 01:55:52 person i hope adam gets the hell away from him yeah adam adam should you can do a lot better not nice um but anyway the announcement uh was followed by bobby's advice based on his own life where he's like hey good, good for you, bro. You made the right decision. If you're not ready to get married, don't get married. Am I right? He says, how about you not make life-altering decisions for other people because of your own stupid whore of a girlfriend? What the hell, people?
Starting point is 01:56:19 Babe, babe, why you got to talk about this? Why you got to talk about this? Like, we're going to talk about end therapy. I'm sorry, babe. But, you know, it's like you don't even like feed the dog. You don't feed the dog. You don't put food on plates. Like, babe, I can't deal with it.
Starting point is 01:56:31 Babe, babe, let's not talk about the food, okay? We're talking about the food and therapy. Babe, I'm sorry. Babe. Babe, look, I know you don't want to talk about this in front of everybody. Let's save it for therapy. And let's focus on the fact that your dick doesn't work anymore. And your cheekbones are fake. Let's talk about that, babe.
Starting point is 01:56:46 It's like they go. Babe, be a man. Be a man and go to therapy. Talk about it in therapy like a real man would. Oh, my God. You both need to just get married because you're perfect for each other and move somewhere far, far away where no one understands English. So you can maintain some friendships because you're both awful. Go away.
Starting point is 01:57:10 They get cast on the show. I mean, I really don's like you know i liked lily you know the only reason why she didn't come back is because the second her second season she basically did not want to play ball she was like fuck these people but um this girl asifa oh she is just beyond awful yeah she's terrible. What else was terrible in this? It was fun watching Vida meet or Vida have dinner with the boyfriend again. Yeah. She was trying really hard to be nice. MJ is like, Mom, now please just try and do whatever you can to make him feel comfortable and be nice. She's like, what?
Starting point is 01:57:40 What did I do wrong? I think nice. I'd be nice. What? And then she's like hello you good to see you it's like whoa good for you you can tell how hard that was well mj i think how you eat your bread i like that you know how to make fork hold good for you by the way i think that mj kind of busted vita a little bit because at one point mj, I think that if you and dad were like best friends or good friends, you would still be together.
Starting point is 01:58:10 And it looked like Vita was taken aback because it looked like she had it looked almost like she was about to cry. I was I was actually pretty surprised. Yeah. But she didn't because she's a cold bitch who plays ping pong. Yeah. Well, look look every every villain is really a big sweetheart underneath it all haven't you seen that angelina version of sleeping beauty where the queen is like actually the hero i mean come on maleficent i have not
Starting point is 01:58:36 seen that loved it i was like i totally get you angie totally get you i can't because the only Maleficent that's in my heart is Heather Dubrow hmm oh Ben how awful awful um so I guess that was the end of it this big fight or you know the stupid we're not having our wedding in Thailand that's so Persian let's finish the podcast in Thailand
Starting point is 01:59:02 I just love that everybody's gonna clear their air in one of the dirtiest polluted most polluted countries or places ever you know it's gonna be like let's clear the air good luck with that you are never gonna clear thailand's air okay this will be the first time in the past 10 years that thailand will be wishing for another tsunami they're like please like please send a wave send a wave and wash these people out of our country like we can deal with the bad air quality but not these fucking people all right well that wraps us up for the day uh if you guys are listening to this right now um come on tonight it's in just one second is our google hangout for patreon subscribers 6 p.m pacific time so we will be there video chatting with you guys and laughing our asses off at whatever you want to talk about. Yep.
Starting point is 01:59:50 Go to Facebook.com slash Watch What Crappens to talk with other listeners and laugh your ass off about what they're posting. Which, we need to just do a show one day with just shit they post because it's very funny. Yeah. Go to Patreon.com. That is where, Patreon.com that is where patreon.com slash watch what crap and that's where you can find our bonus episodes for subscribers our ringtones our google hangouts all that good stuff this show will remain free twice a week so please don't feel like you have to give anything or whatever we don't really care
Starting point is 02:00:19 but thank you so much to the people who do yeah and i've really come to enjoy doing those bonus episodes as much as this one. Yeah, the bonus episodes are getting longer and longer. I think last week it was like an hour. This week was about 40 minutes of admitted nonsense. And we were really working ourselves up into like three hour days. Sometimes we're going to become radio radio personalities right when radio dies. It's absurd
Starting point is 02:00:45 but anyway patreon.com slash watch what crappens um thank you all so much for the support really appreciate it thank you so much to heather mcdonald please check out her twitter her facebook and go see her show and very funny i guess that's all i have to say anything any last words for you benji um that's so persian love you guys we'll talk to you next time bye bye if you like listening to comedy try watching it on the internet the folks behind the sideshow network have launched a new youtube channel called wait for it it's got interviews with comedians like reggie watts todd glass liza slicinger slicing driving friends with a We'll be right back. down internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to youtube.com slash waitforitcomedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore.
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