Watch What Crappens - #2363 The Valley: Sad People In Sad Marriages Doing Sad Things in the Heat

Episode Date: March 21, 2024

It’s here!  The Valley (S01E01) made it’s big premiere, and as expected, it’s full of wretched people making each other miserable. So, in other words, we liked it! Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What the crap happens? What the crap happens? What the crap happens? Who cares what happens when this What the crap happens? What the crap happens? What the crap happens? Who cares what happens when this

What the crap happens? Well hello and welcome to What the Crap and it's the podcast for all that crap. We love to talk about on your braves. I'm Ronnie that's been over there. Hi, man. Hi, Ronnie.

How are you? What's going on today? You know, not much just you know, living, living the high life here in Los Angeles. What about you? Living, loving guys, huge day today. We are welcoming a new show to the Bravo fold. A show that really I thought had no chance in hell. I have to say, um, I was like, no one's going to watch this.

This is going to be the dumbest piece of shit that's ever been on Bravo. And, um, I loved it. I thought it was great. Yeah. I mean, classic. What do you think then? Uh, it was, I will say, I will say it was much better than I thought it would be and I think it's gonna be a big hit and Listen they listen to that. We're talking about the valley which is back which is premiered last night and I Thought when I first saw the trailers of the promotional material for it, I was like fuck this show. This looks awful this is just like a a sad attempt to cash in on Scandival by like expanding the the

Vanderpump rules universe But then they came out with a second trailer like last week or so Maybe a week and a half ago and the second trailer was really good It just it reminds us that we're actually tuning in to see several couples that all hate each other, whose marriages are all disintegrating before our eyes. And that's great. We love that. So I'm all on board. And they you know, it's like they are disintegrating, but they are cashing in on scandal as well, because some of them I mean, like Brittany and Jax ended up separating right off, you know, right before the show premiered, which is an obvious ratings grab,

you know, um, cause divorce sells right now. I think brav that's just the new trend. Once something is successful, they try to replicate it 9 million times. And right now we're just watching breakups. Everyone's trying to catch it on the breakup craze. We're seeing it on summer House with Lindsay and Carl, you know, even referencing Skandival, to my count, three times so far this season,

as they accuse each other of things and their own terrible relationship, which they are both currently cashing in on. What else? What other shows have been cashing in on this? Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills, right. Kyle was the other big one.

You know, her big marital discord. I'm sure Mia was hoping that she'd be able to cash in on her divorce with Gordon, but I don't think that really got any traction in pop culture. But there was also, don't forget, Ralph and Drew. They had a pick up the cameras again moment on Atlanta.

OK, well, you're like, OK, the example, it's too much gone to gone too far. Ben, my brand, you said you brought to the door into it. No, not you, not you. I wasn't saying OK to you. I was saying OK to the general misery cashing in. But you know what? All these people cashing on in the misery means we get to cash in on because this is what we do. We love it. We get to emotionally cash in on their misery

every day here at Watch What Crappens. So thanks for being here. Check out our bonus episodes. Get our tickets for our LA show and our European shows, London, Birmingham, and Dublin coming up in May. You can get tickets for all those at watchwhatcrappens.com, bonus episodes, and these videos which are on right now. Hi video people. Hi. Also, if episodes, and these videos which are on right now.

Hi video people. Also, if you don't wanna pay for videos, feel like fuck those guys. They're already rolling around in Rolls Royces. Sad, sad. You're correct. We are already loaded in Rolls Royces. Just kidding, we're not.

But we also just appreciate people doing that stuff for support and do not expect it. You can still get all the videos and stuff for free. They just come out a week later, but they're on our YouTube channel so you can watch them all there over at youtube.com. It's what we call the biggest network in the world. It's called the internet. So go over and check it out there.

And now let's get into the valley. The valley. So it opens up with none other than Kristen Doty, aka Mariposa, saying, the concrete jungle, the hardcore city life, that's for like when you're in your 20s, but I'm in, I'm 40 now, so the valley is where I need to be. I'm like, okay, ma'am, stop acting like you're, you're, you're hitting the pavement of New York City. Los Angeles is not really a concrete jungle. There's no difference between being in West Hollywood truly versus the valley in terms of intensity.

So I love that you- It's the same amount of concrete. And if anything, I would say it's more jungly in the valley because it's hotter. I mean, it's in a valley. And this is what's so funny to me about people who move to the valley, which by the way, I might. I mean, it's in a valley. And this is what's so funny to me about people who move to the valley, which by the way, I might. I might.

I'm looking in the valley, everybody. So there you go. I'm going to purposely up Ben's derision of the valley by moving there. And then I'll get to listen to him bitch at me every day about it. But the valley is in a valley. And I love when people move to the valley and they're like, oh my God, it's so hot here. It's in a valley. And I love when people move to the valley

and they're like, oh my God, it's so hot here. It's in a valley, you knew that. We all knew that because we've been, anybody who lived in the city and then moved to the valley, which is by the way, still the city, maybe that's not the right way to put it, but anybody who lived on the other side of the hill and then goes to the valley, always complains about it.

Cause it's 10 degrees hotter in the valley, okay? It is. It's just, I, it's just, I just love the idea that Kristen is framing herself as being, you know, someone who is in the concrete jungle for her in her twenties. I'm like, you were a waitress at a restaurant and we, oh, that's definitely, you're not, you were not like a courier. You were not like a bike courier in, in Manhattan,

picking up important documents and delivering them from building to building. Also, people don't, I've never heard of it as like, when you're older, you go to the Valley. That's never, I've heard it when you're poorer, you go to the Valley. I've only heard that when you've given up on your dreams, you go to the Valley.

No, there are a lot of people who still dream in the Valley, you know? It's gonna be me, I'm never gonna stop dreaming and I'm gonna live there. You can suck it. Listen, who knows? I love big parking spaces and a nice Target, okay? I will be in the Valley proudly, I don't care. I have air conditioning.

And guess what else the Valley has? Newer air conditioning because they were built later than LA proper. LA proper, you go to a restaurant in LA, there's no fucking air conditioning. They literally, in the summer, they no fucking air conditioning. They literally in the summer, they open up the doors like that's going to do something when it's 100 degrees outside, turn off fucking air.

You have to go to the valley to get an air conditioning. Of course, this is hot as Mars in there. The valley Mars and Iraq, but the valley has a lot of great features. Left turn arrows are abundant there in a way that they're not in the rest of the city. We love that. Wide, wide streets. We love that. Um, a lot of parking for things that you need to go, but not as much parking as you would think, by the way. So I'm, I'm actually going to take that back. I think that's actually not as much parking in the Valley as you would think.

Um, other things that has, um, there's an Ikea in Burbank, if we're gonna count Burbank in the valley, which I think we should. It is. There's Costco. I mean, already, there's a great airport.

You just up the population there. The best airport in the region. Because everybody's like Costco, what else do you need? Costco and Ikea and the Chili's. Everybody's gonna move there, so thanks. Yeah, the best airport. Tourism board. Best airport and, you know, lots of exciting things. So, you know, I don't wanna shame the valley right at the beginning of this. Let me just layer it in slowly.

Okay. So just the best way that shame comes, layered. Layered. Slowly layered shame cake by Ben Madelker. So we get the guy who sings the songs for the movie Toy Story as the new Trixie monocle of the valley. Randy Newman. Yeah, we got some Randy Newman tunes.

This first one is, are you ready, Woody, are you ready? Are you ready for a show about the valley? It's hot, I'm so hot. I'm really dying. Literally dying. I'm hot. I'm so hot. Please give me a minute. It really is so hot in the valley. You don't understand. Well, the thing with the valley is that It opens with the death of Randy Newman. That's how we start this show. Randy Newman just arriving in the valley and dying. This is a dying song.

In the winter, the valley is much colder than the rest of the city, and in the summer, it is much hotter than the rest of the city. Like you can never win with the valley temperatures. No, you really can't. Okay, so what else? So Kristen is still giving her interview. We're gonna see a bunch of people giving their interviews.

And right now, Kristen is sitting outside talking to Luke, and he's like a ginger in a straight guy hat. I mean, listen, here's what I'll say, knowing nothing about Luke, only seeing him right now in this first shot, he's definitely a straight guy. He looks very, he looks very straight. And take that as you will. Ugly hat, and then he's wearing glasses on top of the baseball cap on his head. Yeah. He's one of those straight guys. In his defense, they're not the Guy Fieri sunglasses. No. They're like this. They're like Ray-Ban glasses. But I don't know. Luke is somehow, something happened in his life where he, like he's not meant for this world. Like he is not meant for the,

he's not meant meaning that the world of Vanderpump rules, like he's not meant for reality TV. He's not meant to be around these people, but he somehow got snagged by Kristen and now he's in this world and you can see he has no idea what to do with it. Well, I think that he's one of those people who was built for difficult partners. And you know, we all have seen those kinds of people.

Some of us are those kinds of people, let's face it. I am the difficult partner. I'm not the person meant for a difficult partner. But I was raised by, one could say my mom is a difficult person and my dad is the kind of guy like Luke where he's made for the difficult person. And their purpose, and I've said it a million times, I believe everybody has a purpose in this world. I believe my father's purpose was to call the manager over for my mother.

That's his purpose. And I think Luke isn't Eddie in that way, where he's just like he's here to defend his crazy woman. Because I've listened to their podcast, well, actually only once, but it's not because it sucked or anything. I just don't really listen to anything because I'm so sick of hearing things after we finish this. But I listened to them one of their Scandival episodes when that was all going down and their whole vibe is talking about their relationship constantly. They're one of those couples who's like, you know what we should talk about today? How have we been doing this week? Like as a couple, like how have we been doing? Like how are we feeling? You know? And then they check in. He's like, you know what we should talk about today? How have we been doing this week? Like, as a couple, like how have we been doing? Like, how are we feeling, you know?

And then they check in. He's like, well, we had a difficult day yesterday, but we really talked through that one. And so that's like their kink. It's like fighting, but then really having the deep conversations to get to the core of what's wrong. So I think he might not be made for this show, but he is made for a Kristen.

Maybe not this Kristen, but not Kristen. Yeah, he might be made for a Kristen, but I just see him as this, he's a guy from Colorado that somehow got snagged into like this San Fernando Valley situation. And it just doesn't seem like this is innately who he is. But isn't he though? Because he immediately does the Luke from Summer House

chopping wood to talk video or whatever. Where he's like, yeah, I'm just a hot mountain man chopping wood and it's way too much wood. It's like, how many fires are you burning? Exactly. Do you need to do that? I don't think so. It's too much.

So I think he might be thirsty enough. He's just, these shows, Vanderpump Rules is from what this show was spun off of, as we know. And that show is really big on promoting people that you would not think are made for television, but I guess were, like they wanted TV the whole time. Like remember how we thought Rachel,

Rachel slash Raquel never even wanted to be on TV because she disappeared. She never made any scene. She never said anything. She barely spoke. She looked like she wasn't even with us. I mean, she was like kind of a very young weekend of Bernie situation. And then she kind of sprung to half life for a second. And then now she can't shut up. Now she has her own podcast and apparently she did want to be on reality TV. Allie Luber, we were like, this girl seems to have no interest in using James to be on TV, but she just is coming out with her first single today. Not saying that she's using James. I'm just saying people that you're not like, oh, they're thirsty. It's good at finding thirsty people who don't read as thirsty.

Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. That's a long way to say it. I'm sorry. It does. I was also thinking, is this the third Vanderpump Rules spin-off? Because we had this one. We had Jackson and Brittany getting married or whatever. Oh God, Jackson and Brittany take Kentucky. Take Kentucky.

And then I think technically Summerhouse is a Vanderpump Rules spin-off. Well, I don't think it was a spin-off really, but they tried to use it as an opener for it. Because remember they had the twins go meet Stassi at the restaurant and then they opened but I thought they tried to use it as an opener for it because remember they had The twins go meet Stassi at the restaurant and then they opened and then they went to the Hamptons They had like a trip. It was I guess more of a backdoor pilot Yeah

Well, either way Kristen is sitting there talking to Luke and she's like I just can't get like knocked up any day of the week We're still trying to figure out my ovulation. Oh, it's not that like we don't it's not like we don't practice like seriously seriously. I mean, it's just like so Kristen to be back on TV. She's like, we're just trying. We're just trying to do it. You know what I mean? And her head's like always kind of moving around. And she's wearing a Mari Posa, which for those of you who aren't bilingual, that means butterfly. She's wearing a butterfly necklace and she's got like a stain on her shirt on her boob. It's got like a mud smudge or something and she's wearing a wrist guard.

I mean, this whole opening of Kristen is just so fucking Kristen. I think every, you know, Kristen is just one of those people who just becomes more Kristen as she gets older, you know? She just intensifies the Kristen of it all. Yeah. Well, because she doesn't have to put on, uh, like we know when you get older, you're just more comfortable being yourself because you don't care as much about what people think. So she doesn't have to, uh, put on the airs

that she's like a normal person and she can just let her Kristen freak flag fly. And, um, and she can just let her Kristen Freak flag fly and and she's just become her what season was that? Krista was pretending to be a normal person or attempting to attempting to so then we go to Jack's and he's like the Valley is the next chapter of our lives yeah it's nice to have a bunch of friends around us that are like in the same place. They're wise. And when he says it's the next chapter, we see Brittany putting her boobs in someone's face at a party. I mean, like, yeah, those are my boobies.

And then we see Jack's trying to figure out a car seat and he's like, I'm going to have to figure this one out on YouTube. Just want to say that this show, above all else, is just a showcase for Brittany giggling. Because so much of it is her being like, Hi, look at that little baby. Brittany giggling through the pain and the anger like the whole episode is her walk. All Brittany has is pain and anger. Because guess what Brittany did?

She married Jax, okay? I mean, talk about a person who ran a stop sign and got into a fender bender, okay? We told you there are literal laws in place to keep you safe from people like this and you just don't fucking listen. And not only did you marry Jax, you procreated with Jax. So not only do you have to deal with Jax

for the rest of your life, you have to deal with these little mini Jaxes for the rest of your life. Who do you think they're gonna turn out to be? You? Do you think you're the dominant DNA in this situation? No, you've just unleashed more Jaxes on the world. Oh, by the way, if any of you are offended

at making fun of children, go away. This is not the show for you. Because if you're gonna put a show on Bravo starring children, I'm gonna make fun of them. And that's just how it is. So get used to it. Yeah, I'm gonna make fun of all these babies. So then we see this guy, Jesse, and he's like,

bro, I fucking told you, sorry. And so Jack says that Jesse is one of his buddies and Jesse is like, let's be honest, I'm the number one crier in the group. This guy, Jesse is a real douche bag and we can like, you just know it immediately. Like we've all met this person. We've been to a party, God, Ron and I have definitely

been to a party with Jesse's before where we say things like, oh yeah, we have a podcast. Really a podcast? Wow, didn't know you can actually do that. Whatever. Well, you have a podcast, congratulations. So does everybody else. It's like one of those for sure.

They have, I have to hand it to casting and out douchebagging Jax. I mean, it's rough because no one really wants Jax back on TV. I mean, one of the things I've been reading in the comments, I mean, I can't speak for everybody, from me taking the temperature, no one wants this. You know what I mean? Like the comment I've been reading over and over before the shows premiered has been why? Every time we post anything about

it, the comments are 90%. Why the fuck would they do this, you know? So I don't think anyone's dying for Jax, and so I think casting was like, we have to find someone worse than Jax. Enter Jesse, nice work, I mean, very well. It's only the first episode and I can tell that this is very, very good work. Yeah, this guy's a real piece of shit. So Jax says that he met Jesse when he was 23 years old. I was serving in Vietnam, you know, as a model in New York.

Fucking Jacks and his lies. I can't wait to hear some more Jacks whoppers. I know they were modeling together, which is already such a red flag. Okay, this I don't know, like anyone that Jacks met when he was 23. I think they're all poisoned. They're all toxic and terrible people. And so, and they just get worse with age. But Jesse is married to someone named Michelle.

And then they, we see this woman Janet and she's like, Jesse and Michelle are definitely the bougiest of the group. And Jesse then is like very amused with himself and says, I had a friend tell me once that once I knew I was a douchebag, I was so much more charming to her. Like really? I'm not sure. Not sure if I believe that. I see him. One of the examples of him being a douchebag

is he's telling a friend, this, this is cashmere, brother. It's cashmere. Real douchebag knows his fabrics. Real asshole over there. Um, so he is trying to put together a bed together with a short person. His name is Danny.

So Kristen's like, Oh, I met Nia and Danny both from Jackson Brittany. And like, I wanted to be them when I grew up. I mean, they're just so cool. They're just like couple gold. Couple gold. We cut to Mia, who seems probably like the sweetest person to ever be on this channel.

I'm just gonna say it right now. I don't think so. I think she seems like a monster. I think she's such a kind person. You do? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, you just wait. Mia is that person when she hears you scraped your knee,

she's gonna be over at your house with soup, even though it's not your throat that hurts. And you're going to be like, I don't even like soup Nia. But I'm telling you right now, I'm telling you, Nia is a monster. She is a monster. I am getting such she is a monster who is hiding. She is keeping it in. She has her belt buckled.

And she when that belt comes unbuckled, the monster comes out. I am telling you this right now, right now. Wow, have you heard anything, or you just, like this is your instinct? No, I've heard nothing. I just look at her, I hear her, I see the way, well, okay, first of all, she's mainly an expressionless vessel of humanity, right?

She just sort of is- Those people are usually nice, aren't they? I always think that people with no expression are nice. I just project niceness onto them. Well, okay, she's either a total monster or a very boring, nice person. Well, those aren't the same thing. Well, that's usually what expressionless gets me when I've met expressionless people.

I think I've had so many experiences with people who are expressionless and then the more you hang out with them You realize they're extremely passive aggressive and they're they are very bossy But they hide because they know it they have to hide it So they bottle up their entire personality and what they serve is just expressionlessness But listen, she won Miss USA. We find that in a bit. She won Miss USA. That does not come easily and does not come without having some monster tendencies.

Well, I don't know a lot about her. All I know is that most likely she wants world peace. She probably, that's what she wishes for. Yeah, I think she's a good person. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappence commercial. Hey, grownups. The Cat in the Hat cast is a new podcast from Wondry perfect for the whole family.

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So, Justin's like, yeah, I call him Dark Side Danny. What does that mean? Couple goals! That's what it means. All right, so we see that there is gonna be a costume party later, and we meet a new couple, and it's Jason and Janet. And Brittany's like, oh, I'm just gonna say, I wanna talk to Janet Locke every day, every single time.

She's just good energy to me. That's what I think about her. When I think of Janet, I think of good energy. And it comes to Janet going, I'm exhausted. Janet's my- I wanna cry. And I'm doing everything around here. Janet's my favorite because she is actually

the most outwardly a monster right now, but in a way that I think is really funny. Yeah, and also she's like super pregnant. So she's like taking the right to be a monster. Exactly. Because it's like you're in pain and you're swollen and you're going through all this shit. And like, you know, I haven't done it,

but I've been around enough people where I'm glad I don't have to do it. Okay. So I feel like those people have a right to yell at you, which is why when people are pregnant, they're like, why isn't Ronnie calling me back? Because I'm terrified. Okay. Yeah. Janet is enough of you mothers. Janet is justified monster for sure. Um, and once you have the baby, I'm there full time because I want to impart my personality onto that baby.

This is true. Ronnie is, you guys really don't know how like Ronnie and babies. It is like, it's like, it's like candy to him. I mean, I've, I will always remember the time you picked up a baby on an airplane and we're playing, you're, you're like throwing a baby around on an airplane and you were like, I was just talking to my friend Sylvia last week and she was like, Oh, Ronnie and the baby. He was great with a baby. I mean, like, you are such a baby. Emotionally, we're on the same level. I just love them. Now when they turn like three, I'm like, Oh, go get a job, you know, but like, I love them when they're fresh. Okay. So, um, that sounded creepy. I didn't mean it that way. I'm just love playing with. I love trying making little Ronnies, you know, I don't give my sperm to anybody.

So when other people have babies, I'm like, here's what the f word means. Now go tell it to your mother. Yeah. So Janet is Janet saying, talking about her husband, Jason, and she's like, Jason is very passive, but I'm a little bit more passive aggressive or actually just aggressive. And then we just see her snapping at someone at a dinner party saying, I've had an easy pregnancy other than the shit you brought into it. And then I think she's talking to Zach cause we see Zach, the resident gay,

giving his shocked face. He's like, hello. And then he tells us, she got pregnant specifically, so I could not yell at her and we could not fight. Janet, am I right, guys? And then Zach is with, Zach is driving with Jasmine in a car and he's like, Lord of the Flies over there, am I right?

Oh! How does that make it? He says, is Janet killing other people on the Island? Which one are you? Is Janice over there with a conch shell? Like what's happening? You know, I guarantee that Janet is killing people. Yes. And he's in the car with Jasmine. He's like a cool black chick from Vanderpump rules who we kind of recognize, I think. And he's like, she's like, it's not Lord of the Flies, Zach. And he's like, yeah, that's it, oh.

And Janet explains that Zach and her actually used to live in the same apartment complex. And he's like, yeah, that's how Janet and Jasmine became friends and then all three of us lived in the same building. But then caught to me yelling at a restaurant, literally, I can cover shot and then I got the jazz like I don't need trash in my life I'm like oh my gosh so this Zach has way more personality than we ever saw in

Vanderpump Rules because we saw him always lurking in the background he also has a much thicker wig than we are this This is a wig, right, that he's wearing? I think it is. It's so distracting just because it's so much hair. And listen, I'm not against men wearing wigs. I mean, women wear wigs. Why the fuck shouldn't we wear a wig? But make it more realistic. Because it feels like it's not backwards. No one has that much hair. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's a little distracting. It's like a wall of hair. I'm like, huh, you know, like if it makes him feel better, you know, like women wear wigs, men should be able to wear wigs too,

no judgment, whatever. It's just that this one just looks like it's on wrong. But you know, who knows? Yeah, so then the little guy is like, the most dramatic one in the group, oh, whoa, that's a three-way tie. It's gotta be between Kristen, cut to Kristen going,

I don't give a fuck about that. Ugh. And then he goes, Jax, and cuts to Jax, like, if you can't handle your alcohol, then you should fucking stop drinking. And then he says, and Jesse, and Jesse's going,

everybody shut the fuck up, Michelle's gonna talk. Jax telling people if they can't handle their drinking to stop drinking is hilarious. So Zach's like, of all these people, okay, all these people moved to the Valley, got a house and then popped out a couple of cunts and they think they're so grown up,

but these people do not grow up. Yeah, Kaka, I've had to go to therapy twice this week because of all you people in this group. We just had a, Ronnie just had a power flicker that interrupted our recording, everyone. But we're back. So Ronnie was ranting probably about Jax, but I forget at this point what you were ranting about.

Okay, so, oh, the opening. So we were talking about the opening and about how a lot of people are in really shitty, kind of run-down clothes. By the way, this is another thing I'd like to see, is a show that's put together with $5. Because that, I think, is where Bravo really succeeds. Bravo really doesn't spend a lot of money on these shows.

They spend money on the more successful ones once they've proven themselves. But when you're hired on Bravo, you make like $5 for your first couple of seasons. And everybody's just spending no money and it's almost like community theater every time. And I just like that gumption, you know? It's like everybody put on your best clothes

and Brittany puts on some kind of sparkly top and like wraps a curtain around her waist and just calls it a day. It's like, I'm fancy, Niall. It's like a little girl dressing up like she's going to the Oscars, you know? Yeah, that's basically the opening credits. So we now start the show in earnest with Jackson, Brittany, and Valley Village. It's actually really cool. This episode, what they do with the show is every time they go to a different couple, we see where they are on the map. in earnest with Jackson Brittany in Valley Village. It's actually really cool. What they do with this show is every time they go

to a different couple, we see where they are in the map of Los Angeles. So we see we're in Valley Village. And I don't know why that's cool. I just like it because I like geography. And we see Brittany, she's got like a circle bandage around her head, kind of like Lynn Curtin after she had a facelift of some sort.

And so Brittany- Ziggy Flicker, long line of facelift of some sort. And so Biggie Flicker long line. So you've yeah, this channel, the doughnut, the doughnut, the doughnut bandage is all it's going all around. And we get Randy Newman. Now early Hallelujah. How you do it? I've been cooking on the grill. Are you ready? It's like did they just tell Randy Newman to start spouting off random fatherhood things?

I've got a backyard and a grill and some other tools and a car. Okay, bad. My song. Brah. So Brittany has an important update about Cruz, her son with Jax. He's literally jumping like a trampoline right now. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey influencing. We got the bar we're going to open up. You put the kid to bed. That's something. That's something we did that. Yeah.

Jack's is now he tells us I'm at a point in my life where I've like recharged my batteries and like I've reassessed my life like a bit, like, you know, I do it all. I'm like an influencer. I got cameo. It's got a bar, a podcast. I got to take a dump at least twice a day. It's a lot, it's a lot to do. Yeah, and I'm a dad now, that's a job. Yeah. That's a job.

Jax is creepier than ever. There's something about aging models, because when a person is that hot, they can distract you from their creepiness, right? Because Jax really did. I mean, his first year, he had everybody snowed. He's such a good compulsive liar. He had a lot of people snowed.

He just can't do it anymore. You just, it's just not there anymore. I'm not saying he's homelier and he's still a good looking guy. He's still an ex model, but you don't have the same power. Yeah. Sorry. You're so, he's scarier every year, right? He's so intense.

Yeah. Well, he's looking more and more like the V from Vendetta mask, you know? So Brittany's like, hey, JX, yesterday marks the 10 days since my surgery. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm like, wow, so could you also say that today marks 11 days from your surgery? Just wanna put that out there.

I mean, I know it's great to celebrate what yesterday was, but what about today? And it's also funny watching Brittany just marking days since her surgery. You know what today marks? No, Brittany, nope. Okay, is it a holiday? And he's like, you look great, you look great.

He's not looking at her, by the way. No. And it's like, Jax, Jax and I are very lucky because we have friends who are plastic surgeons. They did all of Jax's four, three or four nose jobs. Because they can't agree on how many he's had because Jax is even fucking lying about that. So then we see a clip of them going to their doctor

or Jax going in nine years ago. And then she's like, and they also did my boobs. And then we are reminded that those boobs were fucking forced on Brittany. And she is now left carrying a small village on her chest. Yeah. You know, for the rest of her life wondering why her back hurts because of this jackass

that she married. And for the longest time I've been so self-conscious about my double chin or my turkey couplers. We like to call it more like Jack Slice of Call. Jack Slice of Call, your ugliest part of my face. So anyway, I had to get, I got my lip and my chin done. I can't even laugh because I know that that's true. He's so gross. She's like, yeah, I got lipoma on my chin. And your arms because they show her in surgery and she's marked up from head to toe. Don't ever let Jax around you once he gets you under for surgery because Jax starts putting sizes of things in you that he wants and he starts doing all kinds of things. Once you're under,

don't let Jack's in there while you're getting your free surgery, ma'am. Have you learned that thing? You're already wearing 80 pounds of consequences on your chest. Well, I still don't have full control of my jaw. And Jack's is like, ha ha. I have to remember that for nighttime activities. Oh, you ain't getting no bedtime for me. Oh. Oh.

Oh. So we go over to Kristin and Luke and Kristin's going through some stuff in her apartment and she's like. So seriously, seriously, I owned a really beautiful home in Valley Village for about two and a half years. And at the time I was dating my ex-boyfriend Alex

and he urged me to sell my house. So I moved in with him. And then over the next five months months we broke up about seven times until he kicked me out and I moved into this apartment. Kaka! That's the Christian-iest story I've ever heard in my life. Of course. Of course you move out of her cute little house.

I mean let's be honest you probably couldn't afford that cute little house because you bought that house before she was fired from her paycheck so., she got that like her last year of Vanderpump rules, right? Yeah. And she wasn't even working. She wasn't even pretend working at that time on Vanderpump rules. She just was, she had t-shirts or something. She did have t-shirts. Yeah. Her t-shirt. That was her t-shirt phase. Um, but just how she says the story, she's like kind of shaking her head. She's like, yeah, I moved in with Alex and then he kicked me out. So yeah, I had to move into this apartment.

So by the way, Kristen in Kristen's confessional, she's in tie dyed lingerie. That's her outfit with like lace friends. She's just crazy. She's like the craziest cat lady on your street. And she's like, but now, you know, now I'm moving, I moved into a bigger unit right down the hall.

And Luke brings out a bot, he brings out a gift that she got and it's a big, Fredericks of Hollywood kind of Mrs. Roper lingerie robe. Seafood cake thing with, yeah, sheer. And it's got fur all over it. And she's like, Katie got me that. Of course she did. My God, just like you don't let Jax into surgery,

you don't let Katie buy you clothes, please. Well, two weeks after my shitty breakup, I attended a wedding and Luke was one of the groomsmen and I thought he's sweet, he's kind, he's funny. And then we had sex behind a tent and the rest is history. I'm just imagining Kristen sitting behind a tent tent like with her hands out ready to like lure any groomsmen who comes by and he was the one who got like too close to her and she like snagged him in He's mine now baby to come

Kristen just behind the tent. She just keeps holding out a sign that's like kissing booth This way to the altar. So now Randy Newman's like, get yourself together, life is running through your veins. Get some sugar for the fix and something for the pain. Wow, Randy Newman just openly singing drug addiction songs now, kind of love it. Randy Monocle over there.

So now we're at Danny and Nia's condo. Danny, the little guy, and Nia, the nicest person in Los Angeles. Or potentially a huge monster. I'm gonna still say I'm calling it. Now, she does seem nice. She does seem also like somebody I would not be friends with because literally every inch of her house

is covered in her wedding photos. And that makes me crazy. I mean, congratulations on getting married. I'm happy for you. That's why I bought you the blender. You know what I mean? But, go to Ross. Like get some artwork.

Like seriously, why do I have to look at you in that fucking wedding dress that you're never gonna live up to again? Just because who does? You know what I mean? It was like one special day. You guys starved yourselves for six months to get that picture.

And now I have to look at that one happy moment before it all went downhill. Every fucking time I come over here, I'm disappointed enough in my own life without taking on your disappointment. And you're saying you don't get monster vibes from her, just even based on this amount of art that's in her house, photos from her wedding.

So, Nia tells us, well- She's a kind person. Okay, whether she's kind or a monster, one thing we can both agree on, photos from her wedding. So, Nia tells us, well. She's a kind person. Okay, whether she's kind or a monster, one thing we can both agree on, she's very shallow. She says, when I was a teenager, I wrote a list of all the things I want in a future husband and Danny's literally got everything on the list. I want a man with a six pack abs, a great jaw line,

beautiful, beautiful lines. Yeah. Beautiful eyes. Oh, eyes, I line, beautiful, beautiful lines. Yeah. Beautiful eyes. Oh, eyes, I mean, and lines, lines in the eyes. I'm like, what about a career? Do you want him to be compassionate? Do you want him to be nice? Do you want him to be educated?

Jaw line, mainly jaw line. It's really what I want. Your things are kind of shallow too. I mean, you said compassionate. Two out of three, two out of three of yours are kind of shallow. I mean, I guess, what education you should want someone educated. Yeah. I'm just not educated. So I'm like, fuck that and fuck that goal. Meaning that she only cares about physical appearance and the rest is immaterial

according to like what, what she has prized here in this. But here's what I, well, here's why I think she's kind. Because she didn't say height. And you know that that's on every list. That's true. Anyone who has a list of like, he has to have good eyes, always has height on their list. Like, come on. I mean, that is true.

I mean, she definitely gets brownie points for being the first Bravo star we've seen in years upon years, who is not like won over by someone who's tall. This could be, you know, we might be in like a real like short king moment on Bravo between Danny and West. I mean, everyone loves West. So maybe it's Danny going to be the next one. So both new, we don't know. But I predict that we will meet one of Mia's exes in the future, he will be very tall. And we'll find out that Mia decided to

date a short guy because she was fucked over by a tall guy. And then she's going to get a fight with Danny. I know at one point, whether on camera or not, and she's going to say, and you're short. I could have been with a tall person. It's going to come back because it just always does. Well, we find out pretty quickly. Some, if you're going to go after, if you're going to be someone as beautiful as Nia and you're going to date a short guy, there, there is something to compensate for the height and we find out what it is right

away. Danny says, I never thought I would marry miss USA. And now times have changed. I was a working actor for 18 years. Most people recognize me from the iCarly iCarly show or Hannah Montana, you know, I'm like, oh, that's the tall compensation right there. Nia was probably a big like Disney fan. Like she probably watched Hannah Montana every day. Yeah. And now look, now look who she's got. Yeah. She's like, he's short, but he was on Hannah Montana.

And he's like, and more recently they'll know me for doing voiceovers for things like the walking dead. And then it shows a clip of him recording the zombie voice I can't believe that Sam he's so good he's like doing the full action of it it's very LA I love it but then he's doing like all sorts of video game voiceovers he's always like he is the guy that when you're playing a game, over here, you gotta hurry up. The lab's about to explode. Yeah, they're on their way. Everybody talk.

Can you help me out? I'm locked. Help, help, help. And it's like pedestrian and NYC. Hey, get out of my way, buddy. I just love it because, you know, being married to a Nickelodeon star or a Disney star is one thing but being married to a voiceover actor oh my god it's like honey the baby's awake honey please stop doing that to the baby just getting into character babe gotta go to work

soon it does make you seem taller if you can have the voice of a zombie. Commercials, here comes one right now. So, uh, anyway, so Nia's excited because, uh, the doctor gave her the clear to have sex, I guess, after the baby. They just had babies, so, uh, they can have sex again. And then meanwhile, we go over to Jason and Janet's house and Janet's like, are you ready to see what it's like to be pregnant? And she's basically saran wrapping a watermelon to Jason's midsection and then also attaching like cantaloupes to his chest.

So Janet's a monster, yeah. I guess Janet already said she's a monster. So I guess we're gonna have to see if she's really a monster. I don't know, but the whole like, I'm gonna saran wrap a watermelon to your stomach is, um... I don't know, I didn't like it. Also, because he seems like such a nice supportive husband. Yeah, it doesn't seem like he's taking... it doesn't seem like he is taking her pregnancy for granted. Like there's nothing that indicates that this entire episode. I think he wakes up every morning,

he's like, you're so beautiful, babe. Every day you're more beautiful than the day before. You know what, my life is a fucking blessing. And she's like, put on a fucking cantaloupe, you dick. Put it on the sleeve, you like what it's like. How many times did I tell you not to speak to me until you brushed your teeth? So they get an ultrasound at the doctor

and she's like, oh my God, it's so crazy. I'm growing a penis. And he goes, yeah, pretty decent size one apparently. Shut up, Jason. So then he's like sitting in front of the mirror trying to deal with the. The weight of his, whose new watermelon boobs and cantaloupe stomach or whatever other way around. And she's like, yeah, Jason's like the voice of reason and so passive.

And like I'm about structure and he's afraid of me because he knows, he knows I'll do well in prison. I'd be running prison. I'd have people on the outside getting me cigarettes. I have people on the inside doing me favors. I'm fucking wind prison. And I look good in orange. So then we go over to Jesse and Michelle who are actually not in the Valley. They're actually in West Hollywood.

So they are, they're in like a house by the Chateau Marmont and Jesse is, Jesse, these two have, these two seem to really hate each other, right? So Jesse's like, Hey, did, uh, did that pen come out of that sheet? And Michelle's like, I don't know. Well, how did she know how to, how did she have a pen in her sheet? And Michelle's like, do you want to do this? Cause she's doing laundry and there's pen stains from her kid in it.

I was trying to remember what balance there was. Like what am I talking about right now? He's sitting there like with no smile, like somehow blaming her for the pen. Like why would she have a pen? She's like, are you fucking kidding me? Do you want to deal with the pens? No, I want you to deal with the pen stain. All right.

And then we see them in their couple interview and the producer's like, so what are some words you would use to describe your husband? And he's just looking at her like with a furious look on his face. And she's like, I have to think about it. He goes, how about loving? She's like, sexy. I mean, come on, really sexy, babe.

Okay. Well, this is going great. Great. And she goes, I would call him extreme. Very, very extreme. And he goes, yeah, we don't live in the valley. And she goes, yeah, we don't live in the fucking valley. Yeah. Because the house we have now is by the Chateau Marmont. And just our house screams ambition. Now do I have any job that I've been able to talk about on this episode? No, but our house seems to have one. So we'll let it do it.

Have you looked at it? When somebody says my house screams ambition, like you're, it should be screaming, have a job. That's what your house needs to scream, okay? And I'm sure he does. Why am I sure he does? I'm sure he does something. Oh yeah, we know what he does. Yes, they did say what they do.

They're a real estate team. Oh, they're a real estate, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He works. So he's also an alcoholic, we find out very early on. Oh. Because he's like, so you want some champagne right now? She goes, no, we're not on vacation, babe. And he's like, so you want some champagne right now? She goes, no, we're not on vacation, babe. And he's like, pop.

Really? So then he has a state tattooed on his bicep. I'm not intelligent enough to know what the state is. Did you catch it? I didn't notice his state. I didn't notice the state on his bicep. I'm really upset. I would totally would have picked that out.

So she's like, I mean, our house is nice, but we do have a toddler, which is her way of saying, so we will be moving to the valley. And then we see a clip of him teaching their daughter how to pop open champagne, because he's that kind of dad. This is the kind of bottle you're gonna be having when your daddy's age. And she's like, you know, my kid loves her dad,

which is great for her. Jesse's like, yeah, she loves me more, what can I say? Michelle's like, I don't think he's ever had a picture of me on his phone, but he has tons of pictures of the daughter. Well, I look at you all day long, so why do I have to open up the phone and have a picture on it?

And she's like, are you gonna just sit here and drink champagne all day long. So why do I have to open up the phone and have a picture on it? And she was like, are you gonna just sit here and drink champagne all day? He's like, not all day, but right now. So he's an angry drunk. And she hates him. So then we go to more Randy Monagle. He's like, you don't know what you've done. You are brighter than the sun.

I'm done, son, I'm outta here. So then Kristen is walking in slow motion into a Greek restaurant. Yeah, Kristen walking down Ventura Boulevard into the Great Greek in slow motion is really the vibe that I needed for the show. Like they got it right, they landed it. I don't know how to explain how funny it is,

but it just is. I mean, you could see the heat coming off the sidewalk, like the, you know, when the air is so hot, it looks like it's moving. You know, you can see that. And Kristen just in her rayon, just kind of herky jerking and up the street in slow motion. Just amblin' into the restaurant.

Kristen's like a shopping cart with a broken wheel. She's just giving that full on energy into the Greek restaurant. So she goes in and she meets up with Zach and Jasmine and Kristen's like, I love Zach and Jasmine. They're both like so brutally honest and like no bullshit all the way. And Zach was Brittany's best friend

from back home in Kentucky, but I've like kind of stolen him. So he's mine now. Jasmine used to work at Sir also by the way, at BGW. And we see a picture. And then we see a picture to prove it. So he's mine now Jasmine needs to work at sir also, by the way btw And we see a picture to prove it and she's next to peter and peter's face is blurred out because he will not be on this show Apparently peter got into a salary dispute and that's why we don't see him anymore in founder pump rules. Really? Oh peter. Yeah Uh, so I just tried to bravo They wouldn't pay him apparently was over money and he wanted money to be on the show and they were like, hi, you're Peter.

So now. Wow. And so now he gets blurred out. He gets blurred out of the valley. Wow, that's so embarrassing. It's pretty bad. So Kristen's like, oh, I mean, honestly, it's like the same

interconnected group that we've always had. And then we see Kristen doing cheers with her friends and she's like, cheers to snakes and condoms, two things we don't fuck with. Oh, ha ha ha ha. Watching my friends over the past two years get married and have babies, like and grow their families, shit, I'm the oldest girl in this group, when's my time?

So then she's I mean, when you stop getting kicked out of fucking apartments in the valley, you know what I mean? And she's like, I mean, Luke's always gone during ovulation. Oh, so like, we're practicing though. So she tells us that she is committed to Luke that they are going to get pregnant this summer while they're shooting, you know, and also whenever they say this summer, they mean

because they're shooting right now. whenever they say this summer, they mean because they're shooting right now. So I love that Luke, he doesn't come off as thirsty, but Luke has agreed to be with her full time while the show was shooting, which I think says a lot. Right. Thirst. So Jasmine tells us that when Kristen started dating Luke, I just didn't see it because she went from these crazy personalities to this mountain man boyfriend now,

and he just seems like a little country, kind of vanilla, but nice, like vanilla nice. And I don't know, I just, Kristen, I just didn't know you were that serious with him on that level. And Kristen's like, yeah. And we find out that Luke lives in Colorado and owns 70 acres, which is what's so weird.

Like you own 70 acres in Colorado, so why do you have to go traipsing about in the valley? Doesn't, it's strange. I don't know, 70 acres doesn't always translate into zillions of dollars, you know what I mean? Colorado's a big place with a lot of land. Here's my favorite note, Kristen nods and shakes. That's such a Kristen note, isn't it?

Just watching Kristen, because this is how she nods. She's like... The head's going in all directions. She nods her head, but also shakes it, and one of her eyes is kind of cocked. You don't know if she's like, she kind of shrugs, like, I'm agreeing with you, I'm not. I'm agreeing, I'm not.

You're right, you're wrong. So Zach is also surprised about this whole Luke situation. He's like, you guys don't even talk about, talk about to like, to me about it, okay? And like, I'm gonna run to you guys 24-7, nah. And Kristen's like, yeah, but you don't like listening about straight sex. Ew, gross, straight sex.

Like, why are you doing that to me? Yeah, you know what, Kristen knows. I already have a threshold, and it's called heterofrostrated, which, you know what? Like, I was there from the beginning with Kristen and Luke, and I was like there, and it's called how to ruff frustrated which you know what like I was there from the beginning with Kristen and Luke and I was like there and I was like, oh my god for the love of God don't date Luke Right and clearly she didn't listen to me But like he's way better than any of her exes and I'll tell you that even though they're heterosexual and I've had enough I've had enough. I'm standing up to a dad sadder

Disgusting enough I'm standing up to a dad's side. It's disgusting. So then we go to Danny and Nia's condo and Nia is there. Nia's got like two babies and there's also a toddler named Asher and Brittany comes over just oh my god you had babies with him and you're high. Because she's got one baby. She's got like one of those special Papoose tops, you know, where it's like a, it's wrapped around her. And so the baby's like on her boob there. And then she's got another baby in her arms.

There's just babies falling out of the ceiling. These people never stop. Yeah. There are babies. They're all, there's like so many different pockets with so many babies all up in there, you know? Babies literally falling out the ceiling on this show. They're every place you turn.

So, Brittany's like, oh, I got pastries for you, but I can carry them for you because you got two kids in your hands. You know what? I got two croissants in my hands, which are kind of like kids. It's funny, I named these croissants as villains, are I also? Just like your babies.

So now Brittany of course is holding one of the babies and she's like oh my god I got baby fever through the roof it's so beautiful. Do you breastfeed them at the same time? Wow you do, you are a monster by the best way. See even Brittany calls her a monster. Look at that. So Michelle comes over and Brittany's telling us, our priorities really changed.

Before, we were just partying all the time. I still love my tequila shots, but now I need to get a babysitter and maybe a babysitter for the next day because I'm hungover. So now they're passing the babies around like in the morning in case I'm hungover. The Hardy, the Hardy, the Hardy, the Hardy, the Hardy, the Hardy, the Hardy. So now they're passing babies around like it's literally like a bowl of Cheetos or something. And there's so many babies

being passed around and Michelle's like oh my god like i want another baby now wow and Nia's like yeah it's like a lot of work with like two babies and a toddler it's like a lot yeah and um Nia's like uh Michelle's like yeah Jesse Jesse wants another one. I don't though. You two sound great together. And she's like, yeah, cause I do 90% of the work. So how are you guys? And Nia's like, oh my God, we have help, but I'm exhausted. I mean, I have these two bundles of joy

and that one over there. It's so fun. I'm gonna definitely somebody help me. I'm drowning. I'm sorry, I'm even using a zombie voice now. Because stop it. And Nia's saying, Danny is like the best dad ever. And he just like wakes up. He does like every diaper change. He's just like, great. And Michelle's like, Oh yeah, Jesse never woke up once.

Like I literally slept separately with Isabella for a year. I'm like, what? This is fucked up in two different ways right here. This is not a couple that will ever last beyond the next six months. Yeah, this is not good. So Michelle's like, yeah, that girl seems like superwoman. I mean, I can barely handle this.

And Brittany's like, I mean, he doesn't even get up one time. Well, wait a minute. I mean, I guess I can see that. I'm married to JX. Oh, what are we saying through something? So now the bros, the bros have all gone to go do some golfing, but they're doing like indoor golfing where they're hitting balls against the screen and stuff.

So it's all the guys, they're all hanging out. And Jesse's like, I am the worst golfer I've ever been, but I'm still the number one golfer in the group. I'm like, sir, you've now done the number one thing twice in this episode. It's over. It's been done. It's, it's, we've gone there before. Yeah.

Um, so Jack's is terrible at it, which is not surprising. And Jax's version of that is we're all the same at golf, you know, we're all pretty much the same, which means he's the worst because normally he'd be like, I'm the best. So, um, Jax is like, so Jason, is this your phone? Cause like, who has an Android? All right. He's like, you're the reason why our text messages are all green. Jason's like, sorry. So Jason is the least close to Luke,

because Jason only met Luke about a year ago. But they've spoken before. And they'll talk at parties, but they say that Luke is a pretty introverted guy. No one likes Luke apparently. Luke has done nothing to anybody but date Kristen but I think they're like you're insane. They've probably got experiences with Kristen boyfriends in the past and they're like do not trust. They really don't like him at all, especially Jack. And I'm like, why? I mean, this guy doesn't seem to have done anything to have warranted this sort of reaction.

Is it just that they know he's going to be another flash in the pan and they don't want to have to be obligated to welcome him into the group knowing he's not going to stay there? Is that all it is? I think he's on the show. I think they're annoyed that he's coming on the show as one of them, and they're all actually putting in the work to be in relationships, and he's just showing up to shoot.

I think it's like a housewives thing. He's literally showing up to shoot. You don't even show up unless we're shooting. Literally shooting. Literally showing up to shoot. I feel like they feel like they've earned it. It's a show about kids and families, and they've got kids and families.

And then here this guy comes in and he just gets to leave his plush little life to get all the fun parts of it and then he can leave again. Or they're just jealous. Like here's this guy who, relatively good looking guy and has 70 acres in Colorado and it's just like, sure, I'll show up on this show.

And they're all, they've worked so, they probably all worked so many years just to be on Vanderpump Rules. Listen, they're all, they've worked so, they probably all worked so many years just to be on Vanderpump Rules. Listen, they're all out there in Los Angeles. They've all worked so hard to become reality stars and Luke just drops out of the sky and gets to be a full-fledged cast member along with the rest of them.

That's probably why they really are resentful. Yeah, they not only have to pop out the kids and do all that kind of work, but they also have to pretend to be friends with Jax long enough for it to pay off into a reality show. So yeah, they're probably like, fuck this guy. Yeah. I mean, listen, you know, Jesse's probably submitted himself

to million dollar, um, million dollar listing like 45 times and he'd never got it. And now he finally gets on a show and someone just does nothing and gets to be on the show as well. I would be mad Yeah, so then they're like, yeah, he's just a side piece this guy and Jesse by the way is in tight white pants he's just like trying to do every Bravo cliche kind of in one character and He's like, what do you what do you call it when it's a you you get a new one to get over the old one They're like over you bound. He goes, yeah. But I think loops,

Luke's in over his head with the boys because they're not going to take it. Like what? Why not? So Luke is like, Hey, Jax, um, so, uh, am I still blocked or can we be friends? Jack's like, Oh, are you blocked? He's like, I don't know. He's like, well, uh, let me know. And I'll do my best to unblock you. I like, I'll do my best to unblock you as if like, I don't know. He's like, well, let me know and I'll do my best to unblock you. I like I'll do my best to unblock you as if like, yes, Jax has to file a complaint with Instagram and get something overturned instead of just unblocking. Well, that's Jax's ultimate power, as everybody knows, is like, I got you. I blocked you.

So looks like, yeah, I think Kristen pissed you off and you blocked me or something, because here's the thing about Kristen She's gonna piss me off at least once a month, bro All right, at least once a month. I just I'm blocking now and I'll block you again later. Oh And He's like so So he's like so for sure. Okay. Look So how long you here? What you just gonna be here three months? What are you living with Kristen?

What are you just here for a show? What are you here for? What are you golfing? Because you're not golfing. You're not golfing very well, so why are you even here? Because here's the thing, I love Kristen, but she needs something better. So what's it gonna be?

That's his thing that he starts this episode that he says 500 times. I love her to death, but. Right, he's like, this is classic Jax, a complete under underminer to his friends at all times under the guise of like being a loving person. So he's like, yeah, what's going on? And Luke says he's gonna like he's gonna he's still technically a Colorado resident. And 99% of his life is still in Colorado, but he's gonna be here this summer.

And he's like, No, we're just going to like, just we're trying to take another step, whatever. And Jackson, oh, I know the step we're trying to take. I know the step. I know step. And Jesse is very skeptical. He's like, Jax has his shit written all over his face and his plan to see. He doesn't like that fucking guy at all. So then we go back to the ladies and Britney's like, well, I feel like I'm in the middle of all this juke,

this just Luke, Jax and Christian stuff, y'all. It's horror. Like Jax would just act like Luke didn't even exist. I mean, he's so mean, y'all. Okay. It's just like so rude. And then we went to Mexico for Shane's wedding and they weren't getting along and then I just broke That hov's guys cuz I'm in the middle of it y'all okay, and I love Kristen so much She's one of my closest friends, but I don't know if she should be dating that guy so soon after she had another boyfriend

You know what I mean, but I love her guys. I love her so much, but you know Kristen she's a loser alcoholic am I right guys? She was so emotional. I was just kind of like well you're in a new relationship Which is like very Chris and to do I love her so much and like I just like I'm always kind of him to Luke And I'm just like not like I've ever been maimed a him but like Jackson's like straight up like whatever Some back to the guys Jason's like what step you taking Luke and he's like, you know, having kids, like everyone knows, right? Cause you know, Kristen,

she's like the oldest girl in the group. So she wants to have a baby. So we're going to do it. Okay. Now I can see why they don't like Luke. Who does that? You know, I'm dating someone. She's like desperate. She just wants to have a baby out of,

for competition reasons. So, you know, I'm going to. She's like desperate. She just wants to have a baby out of for competition reasons. So, you know, I'm going to knock her out. Why not? Jesse is like, Hey, Danny, why don't you just sell him one of yours? Looks like, yeah, well, we pulled the goalie and Jack says, Yeah, but do you think she wants it for the right reasons? Like, we want to make sure she's going to be OK. Like having a kid out of wedlock. I mean, there's things that can happen. I mean, I know this because Britney's friends have kids out of wedlock and like raising

kids by themselves. Like how did I have a full time job? Like health insurance, school bills, it adds up, you know? I'm like, I love Jack's questioning whether or not Kristen is having a baby for the right reasons. How about once you ask your wife that? No kidding. Also, I love Jack's like coming up against wedlock like Stan Quayle. Like

who the fuck are you? Yeah, all of a sudden wedlock. You can't keep a wife so wedlock. Huh? Yeah, Jack suddenly has a stance about wedlock and having a baby out of wedlock. Yeah, Jack's like suddenly Jack's like a you know, very moral, upstanding, conservative man. I appreciated your Murphy Brown reference reference Rami, by the way Yeah, listen, we're old we have those references

But because that's the first time I ever heard of it when I was a kid I was like what's wedlock and Murphy Brown should be having a baby without a husband What is the child gonna suffer through? You know thinking, oh my God, I hate people. And now here we are. And of course, Jax has grown up to embody that. Cause that's always what happens, isn't it? It's always the douchebag drug addicts who fuck everybody and party everything who had to get four nose jobs. You know he's got actual plastic straws put into his nose.

Nobody gets four nose jobs for fun. You know what I mean? He's probably got like the equivalent of metal braces in his nostrils to keep those things from caving in completely. And now he's gonna suddenly come through and be the moral center for everybody else to live up to. Get the fuck out of here.

And while you're at it, borrow some hair from Zach. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, basically- I love watching Jacks go bald. Have I mentioned that? It's like the best thing that's ever happened to me. I went bald a long time ago.

I got used to it. You know, you have to at some point. But watching aging models go bald, especially douchebag models who've brought so many people pain, it just feels so good because I know how much it hurts him. Like he's sharpied the back of his head.

You know, he's got like the coloring on the scalp to make it like he sprayed the hair. I just love it. It's delicious. Thank you karma. Thank you. I owe you lunch, darling. Yeah, so now we go to Jax and Brittany going on a walk with Cruz. And Jax is like upset because the garbage cans have not been returned properly in front of his house and he's actually very doting on Cruz with the sunscreen

and the legs and the face. It's like very important, obviously, not questioning why sunscreen is important but I was just surprised that Jax actually paid attention to those things. So they're walking. I don't even think it matters. I don't think the kid matters.

I think he's doing it to shame Brittany constantly. He's constantly nagging Brittany. He's like, oh, we're taking the kid. Oh, great, great. So he's in the stroll. You're not going to pull this. Did you put the suntan lotion on him today? Okay, good.

So he's got some sunblock. Why is this thing up? He's going to get sun on him. Don't get sun on him. He's like pulling the stroller cover over further. Or he's doing that thing where he's like on camera. He's got to act like he's actually a very attentive parent. Or he's doing that thing where he's like on camera, he's got to act like he's actually a very attentive parent

when normally he's not. So they walk over to Janet and Jason's and Brittany goes, Hi, hey, the cruise he fell asleep on the way. We walked over here is a million degrees outside. Look how cute you are with your little white bum. Jackson's like, where? So Jax is like, we love these guys. You know, this guy's great.

Everyone's going to get along with Janet. She's also friends with Arianna and she and all those girls, Lala, you know, and I'm like, if I'm in hot water or whatever, like I, you know, with my wife or the mailman or the pool guy, I just call this guy cause he's like a certain kind of lawyer. Like I don't really know what kind of lawyer, but I don't know. He's a broad lawyer. Like he's, he's all kinds of lawyering. I just call it this.

I call it lawyering. Is that funny? He's like such a lawyer. I just call it lawyering. Jen that funny? He's like such a lawyer, I just call it lawyering. That's an actual word, you fucking idiot. Jadakos. Jason works in workers' comp defense on the corporate side. So.

The bruiser's like, do you think that Jax understands what any of those words mean? No, I don't think Jax knows what any of those words separated, let alone put together mean. I love the idea that Jax thinks he's going to get into trouble with his mailman and he's going to call the workers comp lawyer to fix it all. And Janet says, yeah, he doesn't know any of those words separate or apart. He's like, Jason, you're such a lawyer, you open your mail on time. He attributes behaviors to lawyers that are just everyday behaviors. So, Jack's, when you hear your keys

in the pocket, fucking lawyer, he's lawyering again. Such a lawyer, he pays his mortgage on time. So, um, Jack's is wearing like this white t shirt and he's sweat. He's like now sweat it all the way through it. And um, Jackson's wearing this white t-shirt and he's sweat. He's like now sweat it all the way through it. And there's also disgusting brown sweat stains under his armpits. And they're like, how look at Jackson's shirt. He's got sweat under the armpit. He's a cool guy.

He's a cool guy. And Jackson's like, he's like, okay, I got self tanner under my armpits. I do not have coffee armpit. Yeah, well, he JX JX loves his gas station coffee. He's like, yeah, well, I'm a rewards member at AMPM. I mean, they know my name there. Okay, I get my points. The coffee at home doesn't work sometimes.

I just I need truck driver coffee. Yeah. Yeah. Like if I need to drive from here to Florida in like two days, I'll have the coffee for it. I think that's the funniest reference because that is what Drew Sidora's husband did when he was cheating on Drew on Real Housewives. And it's also funny that Jax is like, got to leave the house, got to head to the AMPM for some coffee.

It's like, oh, okay, Jax. It's also funny that he named his child Cruise because you know that that's all Jax does. This goes at cruising constantly. That guy's never there. Remember his last storyline was like, Jackson even never home, he's always going to the gym. He's always going to the gym or the gas station. Oh, it sounds legit, Britt.

It did make me want to try the AMPM coffee though. Because there is something to be said about, yeah, truck driver coffee might actually be, might be the good stuff. He's fucking people. It's not the coffee. Fucking people at the AMPM. It's crazy, he's cruising in the neighborhood.

So Brittany's like, why, that was me, dance walk is so hard. So then Jax, who's just come in covered in self-tanner, reclines on their beautiful velvet chair, which is just exactly what you want to see from a big sweaty ape. So they're talking about how Janet's birthday is coming and Brittany's like, we won't have a pool party. It's going to be so fun.

I don't want to tell you the same though. It's going to be a surprise. So Janet's like, well, I would be terrified if our child ends up like me. Like that's my biggest fear. I was a huge brat when I was a kid. I had the primary bedroom growing up. Yeah, my mom was scared of me. That is wild. So, um, so now Jason's just like, yeah, there's so many babies popping out. Everyone has babies. Yeah, that's what happened with us. We got a little got pregnant at the same time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Jack's like, yeah, because of COVID, we didn't have anything else to do. Yeah. So he's like, by the way, if you guys talk to Kristen and Luke, yeah, you know, I love Kristen,

you know, like she's like my sister and like, can you stop saying that you guys fucked? It's like well, I don't like I don't think that like that because I don't remember that part of my life So then of course they show flashbacks vintage Vanderpump rules Stop being like yeah, you fuck. Okay. Well the first time you suck this cock and then he returned the favor and then you bang Just say it Kristen. Hmm You know, I know that she's wanted this for a long time and yeah, it might be fast with Luke,

but she deserves to be, you know, a mother. She's already 40. That's what I worry about for her, rr, rr, rr, rr, rr. She's 40. And, uh, Jackson's like, yeah, no, Jason's saying, Kristen will go above and beyond for her friends. Jason's so nice, you know? He's like, when they got engaged to Janet, I mean,

she even helped with their proposal and we see a clip of it, but we don't see Kristen in the clip. So I'm assuming that he meant Kristen was holding the cell phone. This was, this was, um, so, uh, this proposal was funny to me because it's just Janet lying in bed and Jason has crawled up to the side of the bed and was like Do you want to get married? I was like, I don't know whether I feel like I want to be like really this is the best you can do But then I also get so annoyed with people who do over-the-top, you know

Lavish engagements that I feel like I actually respected him for just proposing There's a middle ground. You know what I mean? Like it doesn't have to be dying Niagara Falls to, you know, get the gender of your future baby. But I mean, maybe a Benny Hannes. Maybe just let her get out of bed first before you bring, before you walk in with like Kristen holding a camcorder and say like,

you want to marry me? So Janet's like, yeah, you know, it's also important that she, more than age, it's important she has a good partner, okay? You know, I mean, for me, it's like, I need a good partner before I have a kid. And Jack's like, no, no, I mean, like, look, she was trying to get pregnant the week

after Alex dumped her, okay? I mean, it's not about the partner, she just wants to get pregnant as well. And look, I love her to death, I love her to death, I love her to get pregnant the week after Alex dumped her. Okay? I mean, it's not about the party. She just wants to get pregnant as well. And look, I love her to death. I love her to death. I love her to death, okay? But I mean, what a fucking loser.

I feel that I told you so coming, you know, and I'm very rarely wrong, guys. Very, very rarely wrong, you know? That's the hockey team I'm currently doing social media for. Yeah, I'm very rarely wrong. Britney is like, well, I'm so sick of this shit that you never say you're wrong about things. Golly! She said golly. I cried.

She really said golly. Golly! Golly! You're wrong about more than... You're wronger than a toad on a piece of peanut butter. So then we go to the pool party and it's county fair theme. That was Brittany's biggest, that was her big secret. And they have a book.

We see like some of their decoration, which is of course very basic. We just had a baby, like word art everywhere. Like grateful, kitchen, fight. You know, which I didn't see, but I wouldn't be surprised if Brittany just saw one. It was like, I love fight. Which I didn't see, but I wouldn't be surprised if Brittany just saw one. It was like, I love fight, hell.

I'd even realizing she's like putting up a Christianity sign. And then we get a closeup on a book that says, best dad in the world. So it's gonna be a really hot day. Jax is like, it's gonna be a hundred degrees by 1 p.m. Sounds like a pound item, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And Brittany's like, hi Jax, can you finish blowing up the corn dogs? And he's like, I need to get dressed and I need to eat and everything. Just

smash the corn dog. Okay, you haven't had to do anything yet. Go away. And he's like, I shouldn't have to do anything. She's like, Jax, you better blow up the corn dog. We were like, okay, God. Everything's rotten on this country fire, yeah. It's just such a Britney thing to say. Jax, can you blow up the corn dog? Well, cause she's, this is the only space where she's allowed to be mad. Like all the frustrations that Jax causes, she has to be like,

now that we love each other, we do love each other, blow up the corn dog. Blow, blow, blow, blow, blow, blow, blow. I'm sure she's yelling at him 90% of the time. I'm sure that the second those cameras go down, she's like, thanks you son of a bitch. I gave up everything for you. And he's like, would you give up a checker position

at Walmart in Kentucky? He's like, how could you? Thanks, you know my mama does that. And the answer is, yeah, yeah, yes, I did give that up. Like that's nothing, huh? By the way, I have to say, I was not mad at this theme whatsoever. I was watching it and I was like,

I would love to have some funnel cake and some corn dogs. That's how I knew I was coming out of my food poisoning, was that when I was watching this, I was like, that looks delicious. I was like, oh my God, I could eat again. Fun fact, should have been the theme of their wedding. Like it would have actually worked. It would have, fun fact,

it actually was the theme of the wedding. You just didn't see it. You know, they were in that castle serving corn dogs. Yeah, that was pretty county fair. The castle in Kentucky. So Zach and Kristen and Luke come and Zach's like in a big long wig cause he's like trying to be all country, you know?

Yeah, it's like Axel goes. And the projects, Zach's asked by the producer, so do you know these people? He's like, yeah. And they go, what's Zach's last name? What's Luke's last name? They go, what's his name, Luke? Luke, yeah. He goes, so what's Luke's last name? What's Luke's last name? They go, what's, uh, what's his name? Luke. Yeah. He goes, so what's Luke's last name?

And he's like, I don't know. Colorado. And then we just cut to Brittany saying to Kristen braids, braids, braids. And then just cuts back to Jack's. It was like this random moment of her braids, braids, braids. Jack's is like, yeah, we've all known christen for like many many years and uh lucas fucked he's fucked and then we cut to zach and he goes what is this a table is it a regular table what it's a regular table i thought this was a massage table i thought they were gonna give us massages ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha nozayek it's real it's tattoos it's real tattoos oh really i thought it was gonna be massages oh my god HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HELL HAH I'm at my heter sexual massage lima. HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH H Jesse and Michelle arrive and Janet and Jason walk up and Brittany's like, welcome to the country,

welcome to the Janet County Fair. Oh my God, I actually wrote down, ooh hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, ha ha ha ha. That was my version of the Dirtily Dirtily that you wrote. So then Jesse is getting his kid ice cream and he's like, don't tell mommy, okay? Which is just so him. You just know he's that kind of dad. He's like, okay, just don't tell mommy about it.

Meanwhile, the mom's like, she has diabetes. You know, he's like, good, just eat your ice cream. Mom is overreacting again. So then we find out that Brittany loves themes so much that she has a special storage unit just for Halloween decorations. Yep, yep. Jesse tells us this.

Sounds like Brittany. And then Jesse goes, I fucking hate themes. So then Kristen's talking to Michelle about Luke and their whole situation. Michelle's asking if Luke's gonna move permanently. And Kristen's like, oh my God, yeah, we're on the same page. Like yes, yes, yes, we're totally on.

Everything's great, we're in love. And Michelle's like, well, I always tell people I've obviously been with Jesse for eight years and we didn't ask basic questions before we got married and I think from my experience, you might want to have that talk, you know? You know, like, when is it appropriate to give a child ice cream?

Is it before their dinner or after their dinner? You know, little things like that would be good to know. You know, like- Before I gave up my entire fucking life for a man. You know, little questions like, when we have a baby, we're going to both be helping with the diapers. Don't just assume that's gonna happen, okay? How do you wanna raise your kids?

Do you want your kids to ever learn basic manners? Or do you want them to just start saying, fuck you, mom, when they're one years old? You know, just tiny little conversations like that. So now Danny- As you know, that kid's gonna be like that to Michelle. Yeah. Because dad is totally villainizing Michelle

on this relationship. The dad's like, your mom doesn't want you to have ice cream, but you can have some. Because then the kid passes by Michelle and she goes, are you eating ice cream? I need you to have lunch before that. And the kid just looks at her and walks away like, fuck off.

Yeah. You know what he's doing to that kid. But also Michelle is like that passive feeling. Oh, I hope you're going to have lunch before if you're having a smoke, you have lunch. You're the mom. You say, you know what? You're going to have lunch before you have that ice cream. You don't have to, you don't have to be like, I hope you have lunch. Um, so then Danny shows up with Nia and then also Nia's sister, I think Carla,

and I think Nia's sister is basically, um, she's like on babysitting duty because she gets stuffed into some random back room for the rest of the episode that they occasionally, you know, pop into to say hi to her. And she's basically, she's just in charge of overseeing the children, the babies. So Danny tells us that, yeah, you know, when he met Jack's, everybody was like, Oh God, don't be friends with that guy. He's the biggest douchebag on the planet. He cheated on everyone. He cheated on his wife.

And he is like, well, you know what? I believe that we don't have to be defined by our past and everyone deserves a second chance. All right, thank you. This is no longer Miss USA. You say until Jax takes your husband out and gets him so wasted and then like gives him like some rando hooker to bang while he's wasted

and then films it and sends it to you. Because you know that's coming, right? Jacks is a fucking monster. So be careful because you let one monster in saying you shouldn't judge based on past behaviors and he's gonna ruin your fucking life, man. I'm guaranteeing you that. And guess what?

You also should judge. It's called having a fucking instinct about you judgment has very important It's how people don't burn their hands on stoves, etc I mean, I think we all reserve the right to judge people based on their past I mean, if not, why do we even care about resumes, you know, so Jesse he wants to get a did I hear this right? He wants to get a bunny tattoo because his daughter's middle name is bunny No, his his daughter's favorite animal is bunny. That makes so much more sense.

And Jack's goes, why are you getting a tattoo of a bunny? Just get a bunny. That also, you know what? He's not wrong. Yeah, because now you're, because you know it's like a kid, the kids can change their favorite animal every two, two days. You know,

like I used to like bunnies, but now I like penguins. And now you're stuck with a fricking bunny on your wrist. Yeah. So Jackson's like, so as your marriage, cause this shows about marriage. So do it. Your marriage, your marriage, good, or does it suck? If it doesn't suck, I'll totally get you wasted and sick a hooker on you. What's going on? And he's like, uh, actually Michelle's not really happy. He goes, Oh, really? Well, at least you're not talking about divorce. He's like, yeah, she is constantly.

Basically he's like, yeah, the conversation has been had and yeah, she brought it up. So then Brittany is like, Hey, did you get a hot dog? Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. And then, Oh my God. It's like, oh, Lola, welcome to the fire. Lola, you want to go home? You're a cool guy. What a good dog. Yum, yum, yum.

She was like, Oh, my God, I didn't know there was a theme to this party. I love it. The she is so mad that she's not dressed to the theme. She's like, um, like I would have like worn a theme. Sheena is so mad that she's not dressed to the theme. She's like, I would have worn a theme, but they never even told me. And I guess I just would have done that because I just wanna make people happy because I'm a people pleaser.

But if you don't even tell me what the theme is and I show up at a theme, it's not even my fault, but I feel like I get crucified for it. So then Danny's wearing a little American flag as a scarf and Brock's like, look at Danny there. He's a little American flag as a scarf and Brock's like look at Danny there He's a real American in that scarf. You're like a bird. What's that American bird called? I'm presuming he means the eagle and Danny's like I'm a bird and then just starts flapping his scarf around and

Cawing which is very Kristen of yeah, which I like it was kind of a Kristen reference. Oh I like to think he was getting a Kristen reference. Kugel! I like to think he was getting into character for his next video game. Kugel! Next time you hear a bird in a video game, you'll be like, that was probably Danny. So-

A video game based on Kristen's life. Kugel! That would be great. That would be like the sequel to Super Mario Wonder, right? So Jax is like, I feel for Daniel. The guy probably hasn't slept since the kids were born and, but they got, but the guy brings it up so much that it's hard to feel. He brings it up so much. It's hard to feel bad for him. He gets to saying,

he, he parties so hard. By the way, here's the other reason why I think that Nia may be a monster. I don't know if you noticed this all up so long. Everyone calls Danny Danny, but she always calls him Daniel. Did you notice that? Listen, I just need your name to be taller. Okay. And if I make it longer and then stand it up on its side, I always feel like there's that, that I feel like when people do that, that weird thing where like someone is known to the entire

world by one nickname, but then like his wife was always like Daniel Alexander or Harrison. I don't know. I always feel like it's, I can't tell if it's a power play or some sort of strange dynamic, but I can't stand when people do that. I think she's married to a man child who is currently jumping around the yard, ca-cawing and flapping his scarf that he's wearing in the middle of summer, like wings. And she's trying to mature him by maturing his name, you know, like formalizing his name.

Like, see, he's a grown man, his name is Daniel. Yeah, she's trying to like force some sort of professionalism on him. That really isn't there. And like force him to grow up in a way. Like take the adult version of your name, you know? But he's just not gonna do it. You don't, that's not how you turn a man into a man.

I feel like I'm just like building my case that she's probably a monster. I'm telling you, it's gonna be there. It's gonna be there. Just wait, just wait. Okay, so Lala and Jax are talking she's probably a monster. I'm telling you, it's gonna be there. It's gonna be there. Just wait, just wait. Okay, so Lala and Jax are talking and Lala's like, son, the dad is set at the fence. And he's like, yeah, you know, like, Kristen,

you know, I'm like, Kristen, come on, I live with a dad. She's like, my sister, you know what I mean? They're like, you're bringing a child into the world. You know what I mean? She's like, yeah, that's what she told me as well. He's like, yeah, and having kids isn't easy. I mean, look at you, you're a single mom. You know, it's tough, right?

I'm not gonna say she's gonna be a single mom like you, you know, because maybe she'll get lucky and not be a single mom like you, which is really sad. I mean, look at you, single mom, sad, depressing. I mean, look at you, you're so sad. Your hair's sad, everything about you's sad. You're a sad, sad person, right? Can we get some happy pills for Lala?

Thanks, she's sad. As a kid on her own. Where's your kid? Isn't it fucking working in the streets? Jesus Christ, who's taking care of your kid? Call the police, Lala's left her kid somewhere. It's not a man taking care of it. That's for goddamn sure.

Love you like a sister, I'm just kidding. I just think that she really needs to think about it and maybe pick a guy that's gonna stay in LA. And Lala's like, yeah, I think she throws that puss around like it and it shoots diamonds. Like she bags them dudes, you know, like I've been looking for a man for a long time. Like how do you have 10 in the past two years? And then you just we cut to Jack and Zack and Zach's going, Oh, my God, Janet loves hot dogs. Ha, brains, brains.

Um, so now everyone's like in line for tattoos and Jesse's like joking that he doesn't want to be rushed by Kristen to get his tattoo. And so then Kristen squeezes his nip like, Oh, shut up. And then he squeezes her nip back and she's like, are you kidding me? I am like so close with Jessie's life, Michelle, but I am nowhere near for Jessie Lali to be anywhere near my boobs. Ugh!

Which by the way is true, I cannot believe he tweeted. I can't either and of course, you start the show with the problematic people who got fired from the other show and of course it's gonna have a bunch of problematic shit in it. I don't think anyone's surprised, but really in the first episode, you've got a man titty twisting a woman. Come on, guys.

Yeah. Come on. So, Jessie is like, will you at least get me another drink? And she's like, no. So, Lala's just watching all of this, right? And Kristen says she just puts up with him because he's her friend's husband, but she hates his guts, basically. Yeah. So, then Jessie comes over to Lala and he's like, yeah, I'm gonna get a tattoo.

I'm gonna let my wife choose my tat and then I'll let you, my mistress here, choose as well. And she goes, oh, my mistress. So well, I've been called mistress before. I don't know if you know the show this is spun off from, but that's kind of my plot line. Oh, wait, let me modernize it. You're my side piece, huh?

I'm cool, I'm relevant. And so she's like, oh, this fucking guy, this guy's a total jackass, right? And when he's sober, it's like, oh, how funny, he knows he's a jackass and he's a jackass. And when he's drunk, it's like, oh, what a terrifying human being. Please don't ever get him around me or my family.

So Kristen's getting a tattoo and Jack's meanwhile, surprise, surprise, he's still talking about Kristen getting pregnant. He's like, I just don't personally think that Kristen is ready to bring a child into this world yet. Like they haven't even talked about parenting. Like how are they gonna parent important things like where are we going to live? Like how do we want to parent? You know, things like that. He's like highly fixated on this topic. He's talking to every single person, every time they cut to him, he's like talking

to the funnel cake maker, like, Kristen, like oh my God, like a sister, right? Like a sister who shouldn't have a baby. Where I am, he's like, he's got his wide-eyed Jack like totally coked out of his brain, which I love, that even at a family party at his house with kids running around, Jax is still coked out of his fucking mind.

You gotta love this show. You gotta love the consistency of this show. Yeah. So then Lala's like, there's a bunch of men talking about motherhood and none of them is a mother. And so then Lala like of course tells Kristen and then Kristen goes up to Brock,

cause Jax is talking to Brock about this. And Jax is like, okay, all right, well now that we're on this children conversation I just want to make sure you're ready for this situation Kristen and she goes, um Were you ready Jack's? And La's like no one's ready. What makes you think that she wouldn't be ready Jack's? Well, it's just it's not like getting a dog with your boyfriend, you know Yeah, it's like yeah You're getting a child. It's not a dog. Okay, and she's like, who are you to say I'm ready, Jax?

Who are you to say? Who are you? And he's like, are you mentally there? I just want you to do your research. Like, what's it like to have a baby? Is a baby a dog? You know? Do I have to have a job?

How much do babies pay in taxes? You know? So it's like certain things you just don't know, Kristen. If I want men to tell me when or where or how not to be a mother, then I would just go hang out with Trump. Jax, suck a dick. I'd just go hang out with Trump. Well, join the party, OK?

You know what? Sorry, I tried to get you an invite. I just couldn't swing it, OK? He hates single mothers. That's it. So, he hates single mothers So then Tristan Jason we cut to sweet Jason and he's like everyone's just piling on Kristen I mean what woman is ever ready to have a baby at any point in time? Nobody knows how difficult it is for a woman and blah blah blah and she's like answer Jason the voice of reason

blah blah blah and she's like, enter Jason the voice of reason. Now wouldn't, would you be happy if you were having a baby right now? And Kristen's like, yes, sometimes I learned about my last, something I learned about my last relationship is that like I didn't want a baby with that person, but I was going to do it. And then Jackson, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you were at my house here telling Alex to come inside you. I was standing right here. And then a week later you broke up.

I'm like, you realize there's like children running around this party and you're like, yeah, you were telling him to come inside you, Kristen. Yeah, Vax's dad, just like Jax, as a not dad, the exact same person, sitting here lecturing someone on what it's like to be a parent while he's coked out of his brain, screaming about somebody dropping loads in her.

Yeah. At the top of his lungs at a party. That's, that's Jax. So Jan is like, can we not talk about coming inside people on children's morning? And Kristen's like, just because I don't tell you the ins and outs

of my relationship with my boyfriend doesn't mean I don't have conversations about it, Jax. Babies pay 3% taxes. Is that right, Gina? Yeah, well you gotta stop looking at me because we all have the same conversations. Yeah, but like Jax, I've known you for 16 years and I know Luke just as long as you know Luke, so what's going on? And then it just cuts to Brittany outside by the pool going, Hey Cruz, momma loves you.

I'm gonna get in with you in just a second, okay baby? Woohoo, mama loves you crazy. And so they're trying to explain to Jax, like it hurts her feelings because you have more of a history with Kristen and you're judging her, okay? And Janet's like, yeah, that hurts coming from you. And Kristen's like, you always say that we're like, big brother and sister,

then how could you talk to me like that Jax and he's like that's what you know what that's what you want from your friends right that's what you want you want like tough love like I mean that's what friends do like if you guys broke up what's gonna happen to you then what's gonna happen hmm and she's like well I'm not going into relationship thinking about what's gonna happen when we break up it's like yeah but like did you break up the last five guys you dated? You know, it's important, you know, it's important for you to be my friend He goes yeah, but like I come from a world where it's good

A good friend will dive in and hit the hurt spots. That's a friend Lol anytime anyone has tried to give Jack's tough love in the past. He has had a meltdown Yep So now it's a little later and Danny's getting ready to leave. Danny and Ne-Aaron getting ready to leave. And Jack's like, this is going to be hilarious. So he sneaks up behind Danny and pants him, pulls his pants down, and then runs away through the house cracking up. And she was like,

Oh my God, he didn't have anything under his pants. And he was like, who the hell does something like that? I mean, you just pulled this whole fucking penis out. And he was like, who the hell does something like that? I mean, you just pulled this whole fucking penis out. And so she is like really upset and she like goes off into like a room to cry and Jackson is playing dumb. He's like, oh man, sorry.

I don't know what's a bathing suit and what's not a bathing suit. Oh man, I don't know. And he's like, oh my God, you pulled his whole penis out. My heart is racing, my heart is racing. Do you need me to show you some wedding pictures? He's a very good person. His name is Daniel.

How could you do this to him? Daniels don't get their basketball down at parties. Dannys do. So then of course, Brittany goes into the room to calm Nia down because you know what? I don't think that Jax realized it would happen like that. I think it was just a bad joke. I'm Here comes making excuses making excuses for that. I'm so sorry I know I think that when Jax did that I think he thought I think he thought he was at McDonald's and he's pulling down

A cup so he could put under the fountain what about the soda fountain and he messed up because he messed it up because it wasn't a cup, it was Daniel's pants. Daniel's pants, I'm sorry. So I think it was just a big misunderstanding. And he's like, no, it's just so wrong. His penis. So Jax is like, okay, okay, I'm sorry your pee-pee was out. So now Britney's hugging the... And she's like, oh my God, this is sorry your pee-pee was out. So now Britney's hugging Nia, and she's like, oh my God, this is the last thing

I would want to happen to you. You know what might make you feel better? Corn dog, come on. It's all blown up. Well, it's half blown up. Jack's got tired of it halfway through, but it still flames kinda. Come on, have a, come on, come on, come on, come on, dog.

And so Nia's like, literally, I just had like babies like a month ago, and I was already feeling overwhelmed going to such a big party. I would have a car-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro- Yeah. And so he's like, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She's, we're too old for that. Okay. Daniel, we are leaving. Daniel, we have a babysitter. We have to go home. We have to go home. Daniel. And Janice like, I love their food, but that is not the corn dog. I was expecting on my birthday. And so Danny and Nia and Carla all leave and then Jax gets in the dunk tank and then they get up on the, they throw the ball and he gets in the dunk tank and you know carnival

games. And then he, they dunk him and then he jumps in the pool and he swims and they start playing evil music and slow it down. They just show slow motion Jax swimming through the pool like, yep, he's still an asshole. It was very- Even with children, he's still a dick. Yeah, Jack's swimming underwater in the pool was very the graduate.

I was like, I don't understand what point they're trying to make here, but I was- Well, certainly not to be graduated from anything. From literally nothing. But yeah, so, but it's actually appropriate because the big line from that scene is that the guy pulls Dustin Hoffman and says, "'Plastics, it's all about plastics.'"

I was like, that is a great way to sum up this show, plastic. So anyway, pretty fun premiere. It's much better than I thought it would be. Much better. Good times. Yeah. Well, everybody, thank you so much for being with us. We will be back later this week with a little Summer House action and a bonus episode. We will talk to you later.

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