Watch What Crappens - #2398 Vanderpump Villa: Sexy Unique Chateau

Episode Date: April 18, 2024

On the latest Vanderpump Villa (S01E05), a group of single men descend on the chateau for a luxury weekend of roast beef and bocce. Meanwhile, Marciano does dishes.  Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Misha Brown and I'm the host of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop. Each episode, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Follow The Big Flop wherever you get your podcasts. Watch What Crappens! Watch What Crappens! Watch What Crappens! Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Watch What Crappens! Oh well you know Peter. Watch What Crappens!

Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens! The podcast for all that crap on Bravo! Dude, we love to curate for experiences. I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ronnie, how's it going? Um, sorry, my life has just been changed. I'm a new person from watching Vanderpump Villa,

which we are going to be recapping today. We just did a two-part bonus episode, kind of catching up with our thoughts on the first four episodes, because we weren't gonna cover this trash until you guys made us, basically. And I'm glad you did. Sometimes it's good to listen to the nagging,

because it leads to beautiful, beautiful places, like the top of this gorgeous mountain that we're on now. Ding! Yes, Vanderpump Villa. What a show. So the, uh, we're going to be doing Netflix as a joke, uh, and like just over two weeks, uh, which I can't believe how quickly that's coming up. That's going to be May 3rd here in Los Angeles. So come join us for that show.

Tickets are on our website, watchcrapins.com. Later in the month, if you are abroad, if you're in London or Dublin or Birmingham, come see us. We have shows in all three of those cities. That's gonna be late May, May 24th, May 25th, and May 29th. It'll be so fun to finally get to do shows over there. Also, those tickets are on our website. So everything's at watchcrapins.com.

Also, don't forget our Patreon. Patreon is great. We have so much more to the podcast experience there. First of all, crap is on demand. You can watch us, not just listen to us. So that's always very fun. We also do our weekly bonus episodes, which Ronnie just alluded to that we have two this week. We didn't do one last week because we knew we had two this week, this week, of course, Vanderpump Villa. And also shout out to our wonderful, thriving Discord community, which you can only access through Patreon. It's because of that Discord community that we received the sweetest little video from West from Summerhouse. So thank you for procuring that video, that shout out video. That was sweet. Isn't he just a sweet darling, that West so far?

So far he's a darling. Who knows? Season two, maybe he'll be a monster, but so far he's on a great path. Got to thanks to everyone at Discord who facilitated that, et cetera. Yeah, that was super sweet. Yeah. And it's on our Instagram too. If you want to see that video, we put on Instagram. So, you know, follow our Instagram, by the way, watch what happens. That's all the news. Enough of that. Enough hocking. I feel like you're streaming on the street corner with

your trench coat open. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We have very impressive important things to do. Like talk about Vanderpump Villa right now. This is a very important show in the history of mankind. It is. Damn it. I don't care, it's still in the Bravo canon because it's still in that Marvel universe, all right? Now, for those of you who don't know what this show is,

you don't know because you don't subscribe to our bonus episodes. Okay, closing my trench coat. So here's what this show is. It's a bordello in France that Lisa Vanderpump is running where she hires somewhat possibly in the future attractive people, I don't know if they worked on things on their insides and became attractive on the outsides.

They get together and she makes them try and fuck the guests at this weird chateau in France that she plans everything to be in the gravel outside. Things like playing bocce ball or truth or dare. That's basically why people fly all the way to France on this show. Bang B-list? Not even B-list Ben. What list would you be on if you were in this show? I think you are like the spiral binding that like goes around the list and you know like you're like the you're the you're the pencil that's around the list. You're like the pencil that's touching the list. You're like, you're just not, you're not on a list.

You're just like a coffee spill that's on the table that the list got too close to. In case you don't have vapid, homely people in America to bang on your vacation, you can fly all the way to France to do it next to gravel. Yeah. Okay, so that's basically where we're at. Lisa Vanderpump is actually stuck in France filming this show, so she's in it.

And basically it's taking the formula of Vanderpump rules, which is taking young, broken people who are not achieving their dreams and making them wait tables and possibly bang the guests. And they're not even subtle about it on this show. So that's a catch up of our catch up, okay? So this is starting on episode five, which is called Revenge of Littles,

because Marciano has just made out with a guest, then gone crazy on everybody, getting wasted and screaming at everybody. And Hannah, who's his Stasi of the show, his girlfriend, has just found out that he cheated and is losing it on her, and everybody hates him. The young maid, Grace, has gone off on him because how he disrespects women,

which he does really badly, and the chefs. And everybody hates this guy's ass, rightly so. You're not hot enough to act like this, sir. Okay? Yeah, that's the thing. He doesn't even have the hot privilege to do this. I don't know. No.

Yeah. So, Grace, the previous episode ended with Grace having just screamed at Marciano, just losing her mind. Rightfully so, by the way. This was a totally valid and Ben approved outrage moment. And he's like, you're as well, Brad. And she's like, I hate him, I hate him, I fucking hate him.

And then Emily is like, oh, come on, sit down, sit down. So Grace is like, he can suck my dick. Emily is the other maid, I believe, right? She's the one that- Emily, yes. Yes. So she's a stunner. She's a freaking model, this girl. Oh my gosh.

I love the maids, by the way. I think the maids are like my nieces. They're just so cute and so sweet. They haven't been tainted yet by live or reality television. I look forward to them becoming absolute monsters in the next few years, but I mean, for now, they're just so adorable. They make me wanna go adopt a 23-year-old.

That makes me so sad to think that this show may be on for a few more years. But, uh, Oh, but they could be on other things. You know what I mean? I feel like reality TV is a drug and once you've done it, you just start to spiral no matter what. I mean, I don't think you,

I don't think anybody makes it out okay from this. So it's like watching, it's like watching a Sidney Sheldon movie where in the beginning they're like nice and sweet and innocent and then life just ruins them. In this case, life is Lisa Vanderpump, so let's see. Yeah, so now the girls are gathering around Grace and Hannah's like, what happened?

And Grace is like, girl, I love you, but the man you're connected to is a piece of shit. And she's like, oh, what did he do? He talked shit about the chefs and they were back there slaving away all day long. I like that's like the big drama. He was talking shit about the chefs. Well, it's gotta suck

because I feel like the maids actually work, right? I mean, maybe they don't. We were talking about earlier, does anybody work on this show? It hasn't been proven. We haven't really seen anybody do anything. Right, just the chefs. But I think the maids do because they're so young.

Like they're noticeably younger than everybody else. And I think that they're like, just get them young so they actually think they have to work. I guess. I mean, I don't know what it is. So I think that they work. So I think that when you're in a working position and you just see these douchebags coming here

and not doing anything but try and fuck the guests, it's not fair, you know? It's like, why do I have to clean the toilets? It's like you're attacking people who actually work, is the shorter way of saying it. And I'm with her, I'm with Grace, I hate Marciano, he's a piece of crap. And by the way, everybody's coming into this episode

as the audience being like, he's getting fired, right, Lisa? Because this is kind of Lisa's chance to show, I don't know, she's grown. No, Lisa doesn't. It's not even something we want. Lisa doesn't grow. She doesn't grow and she doesn't fire. So Emily is like, they're just there and Emily's like, yeah, now Marciano is back at the bar taking every single bottle. So then Hannah tells us, she goes, I mean, they're like, Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, I thought someone died in the backyard and they're like, I hate him, I hate him. I'm like, what the fuck just happened? And Hannah's basically acting like you guys are being so dramatic

over nothing when Hannah was the one who literally went ranting and raving throughout the house because she thought that Priscilla was sitting too spread-eagledly near Marciano. Oh, that's, that's Hannah. She's like, I mean, like, guys, honestly, I have to say Marciano, he's like a good person. I know him. Marciano, isn't he the one that you said you were with for three years that constantly cheated on you and treated you like absolute crap?

Please get off your Marciano mountain lady. But of course, this is that girl. We all know this girl, you know? He's a good person. And I was thinking like five minutes later, he's gonna cheat on you. And he did, five minutes later, lady. So sad. But it's also kind of funny.

It's like, LOL. Okay, why don't you go room to room and tell everybody how they're prejudging Marciano too soon. Yeah, I know his heart though. I know his heart. And Grace is like, I don't care. I can't stand him. And Hannah's like, can't everyone just like chill?

This is like ridiculous. I love when Hannah is the one who tries to act like, you know, like everyone needs to be chill when she has been the one who's been the most ridiculous all season long. Yeah. So now Priscilla is like, yeah, I'm so proud of her. His eagle just got hurt by this girl.

Priscilla is the one that Hannah was like, you are a spread eagle in front of my man, bitch. You know, so Priscilla is a Brazilian girl and she's like feeling lonely and I'm glad to see her cause Hannah made her feel like that. Hannah's like the cheerleader who comes in and just shits on everybody and thinks she's dating the quarterback.

But once you're older, you see what happens to the head cheerleader and the quarterback in life and it's not pretty. Generally, generally. I know there's some of you out there listening to this. You're like, fuck you, dude. But I mean, you know what I mean. You've seen the other homecoming queens, haven't you?

Not you, but the other ones, all right. Okay, so she comes and shits all over this Brazilian girl Priscilla. And so she's like, fuck that guy. I'm all for this 20 year old coming in and telling him off. So then Marciano is still with the bachelorette party in the garden and Marciano is like, Gil, Gil, Gil. We don't see Gil, but we can only assume she's

a less fortunate one of the friends. Wow. Look at you. Let's just say that Gail is really galing it up over there at this bachelorette party. I feel I can't believe that Marciano is so cruel to the chef knowing that the chef had to create an entire suckling pig just for Gail. Bless her heart.

Pat will just take down any Gail. Doesn't matter which one. So he is coming on to some girl named Gail and he's doing it in the doucheiest way possible. He's like Gail, Gail, Gail, Gail, Gail, I'm from Vegas, so let's go, tequila. We're gonna do tequila, Gail, you're doing tequila. And she's, one of the girls is like, yeah, Gail, if you say not a tequila, you are not the Gail I know. That's a different Gail.

Where did my Gail go? Page and Gail, where's my Gail? Where's tequila loving Gail? This is just a regular Gail. He's like, ah, yeah, tequila loving Gayle? This is just regular Gayle. He's like, ah, yeah, I've already heard stuff. You're like a prude. She's like, I'm not a prude. So then he like pours tequila down her throat

and Grace and Emily are just like watching like, oh my God. So then Marciano, what is this, the 50s? He's like, oh yeah, I've heard things about you Gayle. I heard you were a prude. She's like, no I'm not, give me that tequila mister. You're real square. So Marciano's like, I feel like, you know, it feels like everyone's pissed off at me. So I'm going to be like, okay, I'm going to slam this bottle and I'm going to like black out and like, doesn't matter.

So Gabriella is just like watching. She's standing there and he just starts kissing Gail. He actually initiates, which I think is really like, I don't know, you're like the waiter here, sir. Like this is not good if it were a real job. Well, he's not only initiating, he's like talking her into it, you know what I mean? He's like doing classic problematic things that, I don't know, he could be possibly going to jail for later

if this was America, because you can't do that. He can be like, oh yeah, girl, why don't you take a shot? Oh, you don't want to? You're not cool, nobody likes you, girl. Really? Hey, girl, get over here and get down on this D, girl. You're not cool, nobody likes you, girl. Like he's gross.

And Gabriella, who is the party planner or event manager or whatever, sees this going down and she's like, uh, yeah, he's not only kissing a guest, but he's the initiator and I'm not really sure what to do here. So this is going to be problematic, but I have seen Vanderpump rules. So I know that this is encouraged. What do I do? Uh, you maybe pull them to the side and say, you can't do that. I don't know. You're the one who was actually, uh, in a superior position to him right now, but instead she just kind Well, we've seen how he reacts to the girls who do that. He gets in their face and screams at them. So- Yeah. She just kind of like slinks away and like, it's like, oh my God.

And so then they, the Hannah's like, what's going on? Like someone tell me what happened. Something happened. Cause Gabriella and Telly are like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. So Telly is like, well, she saw Marciano kissing that girl, Gail, can you believe it, of all the ones? Gail with the bad patterns, it's so embarrassing. It's not only fishing, it's fishing for chum, basically. And Marciano's like, do you fish for chum? What is chum?

You just give that to fish, right? Chum is what you put into the waters in order to attract the big fish or the sharks. Sorry, Gail. So then we cut to Marciano high-fiving the bride and Hannah's like, oh my God, am I being set up right now? Guys, am I being set up?

I can't believe he was doing this to me. I was just sticking up for him. And then she goes on her, Hannah, which I can only assume we're gonna see every other episode because we all know this person. Yeah, basically. Well, yeah, I like that. Are you fucking kidding me?

What is going on? But I know it's hard. But like, I mean, what is going on? Like, I've had enough, but I know it's hard, but I've had enough. I cannot wait to forgive him tomorrow I'm so fucking pissed I've been sticking up for him with everybody and everyone's like Hannah Hannah Hannah is this by the way Hannah's thing that she's always like everyone's like

Hannah Hannah because that's what she just said about the drama five seconds ago with grace she was like I came outside because everyone was like, Hannah, Hannah. And look at me, it's like, ugh, he's out there making out with someone. Like, bravo, good job, you made out with Gail. Sad Gail, I'm Hannah, could you just get hell over Hannah? I know you are. So Priscilla, who really could just tell this girl

to go fuck herself, I mean, because Priscilla is the one that she yelled at for being spread eagle supposedly, and she was not spread eagle. Priscilla comes over to comfort her and she's like, oh, you know, I wanted to hug you with my legs, but I didn't want you to think I was spread eagle. So I'll hug you with arms.

So she does. And Hannah's still going off and Priscilla says that she's triggered because no one deserves to be treated like that. And the common denominator is Marciano. Dun dun dun. And Hannah's still going, oh my God, I like totally got his back. I can't believe he would do this to me.

Again, say again, Hannah, because he's doing it to you yet again. Okay. You know what? I've held out. I've held back on being myself because of what he's saying. You know, I just feel like a piece of meat, like dirt on the floor, like a piece of meat that's in the dirt that's on the floor

and everyone's always like, Hannah, Hannah, be yourself. And like, now I'm gonna be myself. And she's screaming, I am shocked. You're literally not shocked. And guess what? Neither was anybody else, okay? And so Telly is like,

yeah, there's a level of dumb in this world and that's that girl. Because wow. So Gabriella, basically all the girls are like, fuck that guy, let's band together and get rid of the guy. And then Hannah goes, oh my God, you guys, you guys, wait. They're all gathered around her while she sobs. And she goes, guys, wait a minute, what is happening happening because i feel like i'm like so pretty right i'm like so pretty and he's like

making out with like girl like girl is like a piece of shit she's like a garbage face okay she looks like cabbage with extensions and i'm the pretty one and she's making out with girl like what i'm like a snack and if Gale was leftovers, I wouldn't even ask for a box to take her home. Like I'm pretty. This doesn't happen, things like this don't happen to pretty people. And Telly is like, you know what,

what Gray said tonight, like she loves you so much and she's your friend. And Hannah's like, yeah. And like the thing is that like he has such a good heart. That's what makes it so hard. Cause like, I know it's hard, maybe a little bit more than you guys do. And like, just I know that everyone's's like, yeah, and like, the thing is that like, he has such a good heart. That's what makes it so hard, because like, I know it's hard, maybe a little bit more than you guys do. And like, I just, I know that everyone's always like,

Hannah, Hannah, how could you say that? But like, it's true, I'm pretty and I know it's hard. So then we get to the next morning, and Hannah's calmed down quite a bit, and she, we, then we find out her traumatic story, because everybody has like a traumatic beast story in this episode. Like, it's like kind of bachelor casting

where you have to have a trauma that you bring up or you're not given a rose to stay or whatever. And so her trauma is this. She's like, oh my God, I've been like wearing makeup so much that I'm like breaking out. It's like, this is really where the drama is right now. I'm glad they've chosen to follow Hannah.

You know what? What went down was like a low blow and it was like a hit, but like the guests are leaving, so I don't want my housemates to have any more drama, okay? So then Grace and Telly and Priscilla are in bed and Telly is basically like, you know, I'm not the one to isolate people, but they isolated themselves.

And Grace is like, yeah, I don't look actually like that last night. But after what happened with Andre, it just felt so good to lay into Marciano and call him a piece of shit, to which I was hoping Tim Gunn would pop up and say, what happened with Andre? Andre, where's Andre?

Where's Andre? It's a's Andre? Where's Andre? It's a deep cut, it's a deep cut. So the chef is the only one who works. So we get a shot of the chef being like, oh, look at me making pastries, gorgeously. I'm gorgeous person making pastries. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. God damn, you're gorgeous.

Every time they show, it was just a, pacey person with pretty eyes holding carbs. I mean, he just wins every scene. So he hates Marciano because Marciano apparently came in, he's telling his sous chef Caroline, he's like, oh, and then I'm trying to sleep and Marciano's coming to me. I want to talk to you, bro. I want to talk. I'm from Vegas, bro.

I am from Vegas. Because he wants to apologize, I do not need to talk to you bro. I want to talk. I'm from Vegas bro. I am from Vegas. Because he wants to apologize, I do not need to talk to some drunk monkey in the middle of the night." He's like, yes, I am chef, not babysitter, but you know, another day in paradise. So now it's like breakfast and Hannah's like, Oh my god, like I served this girl breakfast? GAL? Like I think that's like growth. Like I'm here to represent Lisa and I'm like not pissed at the girl. I mean like how could you be pissed at such a pathetic person? Am I right?

You just kind of feel bad for her, that face. So embarrassing. I'm pissed at Marciano. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. I love a good parasocial relationship with a celebrity who will probably never know my name. I mean, honestly, who knows?

Don't count yourself out. But my favorite part about these feuds is how they're ignited by the tiniest things. Jada, I love you. G-I-J-N-2, can't wait to see you. I accidentally laminated my brows too much. It starts small and then it gets so big. Hey, honest Naomi, I'm fearful of you to see it. I accidentally laminated my brows too much. It starts small and then it gets so big. Hey, honest Naomi, I'm fearful of you to this day. I don't know her.

We all just have to admit, we're addicted. Everybody has opinions. Everyone picks sides. Leave Britney Spears alone right now. From Wondry, I'm Sydney Battle. And I'm Matt Bellassai. And this is Dis & Tell, where we unpack why we get so invested in these feuds and whether or not our attention only makes the whole thing worse.

Follow Dis & Tell wherever you get your podcasts. 50 high school senior girls descend on Mobile, Alabama every summer to compete for a massive cash prize. It isn't Survivor. It's one of America's most lucrative scholarship competitions for teen girls. It's been around for seven decades. Now you'll hear what took place behind the scenes. From Pineapple Street Studios and Wondery, this

is the competition. I'm your host, Shima Oliyai, and I was Nevada's contestant 20 years ago. Now I'm returning as a judge to find out what two weeks with 50 of the country's most ambitious teens can tell us about girlhood in America. What happens when the competitors are thrown into the deep end with the best and brightest and how does surviving the competition prepare them for everything that comes after? Follow the competition on the Wondry app

or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of the competition early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus. So the gay is still being horrible. Just everything he says. They're like, oh, here's your Americano. He goes, can I also get an Americano? And then Eric's like, are you taking it as a personal

offense? You didn't order the Americano, sir. Okay. And then Eric comes in and he's like, I have an announcement. It's the comment card. It's for the couple to do the honors. So does anyone want me to take off my shirt right now? I can really bring this bachelorette party up to level 10 one last time, no?

So now's the big moment. This is like the moment at the end where we find out what the tip is, but they don't get tips. So it's the comment card. So the bride's like, did they tickle your fancy or did we leave more to be desired? Well, we love the chef. Okay, now the service staff.

Marciano's service, right? Maybe 4.5. I mean, there was fighting. 4.5, he freaking pressured your friend then made out with her, got shit-faced drunk. What? Who was rating these? Do better, bride.

Okay, I don't trust your taste. I don't think level. The gay is like, I just feel like this was our experience to enjoy together. And it was like all about them. And like, I feel like I brought like a lot of good material for the camera. And like, I didn't really even get to shine because they were doing truth or dare games. I just felt like it was like unfair. Like, why are you flying me to France to be like an amazing reality star if you're not even gonna let me be on camera? I said an Americano, not an Americano. So then the bride's like,

yeah, the fighting really took away from a lot. Like Gail could have made out more. You know, it's like Gail's never made out with you guys. Like she really had a chance here, but they just kept fighting. Gail's like, Gail's in the corner like, and then the gay says the most cliche thing. I need a vacation from the vacation.

Americano! So then LVP gets the comment card. She comes to her little office and say, ooh, a comment card. Let us see what it holds today. The Comet card is actually very positive. Housekeeping wonderful. Chef amazing.

Andre gorgeous. But wait, it says they were up until 5 AM and there was arguing between the staff. What could be arguing? I'll get to the bottom of this. Come with me little fluffy dog in Manila envelope. It's time to do business, business, business. So now it's time for everyone to line up

and say goodbye to the staff. Oh, and Marciano has been asleep this entire time because he overslept and his alarm finally goes off. And so he wakes up and he's startled and everything. So Lauren is trying to hug Lisa Vanderpump goodbye. And he's like, no, no, no. You're not wealthy enough, nor famous enough, nor on this show enough to actually touch me. There you go. If you'd like to hug Grace, she's a maid. She's more your type. There you go.

I love that that's one of her traits that she just refuses to hug people. I think it's so fucking funny. And when they were like, Lisa, why do you always wear those big floppy hats everywhere? She was just, because people can't hug me when I've got to try and catch on.

Like literally plans her outfits to avoid hugs. It's so funny to me. And this bride's like trying and she just grabs her arm and holds her at a distance like, oh, sorry, poor person. Stay over there, extra. So Marciano runs out. She's like, oh my god, what are you doing, Marciano?

You're acting unprofessionally. I can't believe it. And he's like, I was wondering where I was running in. So she says, if they're delighted, I'm delighted. If they're disappointed, I'm disappointed. If they're disappointed, I'm disappointed. If they're feeling sexy, then I'm feeling sexy. I could go on for days. If they love Mickalene, I love Mickalene.

If they're hugging you, I'm hugging. I'm never hugging you. You found my limits. You found my limits with that one. Oh, Marciano, does your eye hurt? It looks like someone hit you. Priscilla, could you take over? Were you crying? I see you were crying. No need to cry, Marciano, does your eye hurt? It looks like someone hit you. Priscilla, could you take over? Were you crying? I see you were crying. No need to cry, Marciano. I'm not crying!

Why are you always gaslighting people about crying? Your eye's swollen. Can someone hit him in the other eye so it's even, at least? It's difficult to look at, darling. All right, it's time for a meeting. The poor people who pretended they were rich people have left. I want Andre in my office. Okay, Andre, you stay out of the fray. You give me an accurate picture. You know, I hear that the staff did not go to bed

until 5 a.m. because of screaming. Who was screaming? And were they being sexy about their screaming? He's like, I don't know. She's like, yes, you do. Give it to mama. Give it to mama, Tattletail. You, Tattletail.

And he's like, Marciano. She goes, well, why was he upset? Marciano, but he's so big and they tell me he's so gorgeous. I mean, I don't personally see it, but he's gigantic and his eyebrows are funny, which means he must be attractive. Am I right? Don't really understand how it works these days, but I'm horrified by his eyebrows and he's completely waxed, so I think

that means fuckable? He's like, uh, well, because he gets one of the guests, I think. I was like, oh, you know, I thought Marciano and Hannah were together. Wow. Look at that. Can you believe this wild and wacky show where these tangled webs of human emotion get wound up in each other? Isn't that right, viewing audience? What to do next? I can't believe they've affected my curated experience! It's so curated! Who else would serve you? Croissant for a French breakfast right next to a pink ruse in gravel. There must be consequences, dire, terrible, awful consequences.

There shall be a firing of the stove. Top. So now there's a team meeting and she comes in this giant sun hat and a humongous diamond belt buckle and a denim dress. I mean, I don't know, she's slipping. I'm just saying she's slipping right now. So she's like, first of all, we have to talk about what went wrong. First of all, okay.

First of all, we have to say curation. Does everyone understand the word? Curation is what I do. All right, next, what went wrong? Now, being aggressive is not only unacceptable, but I will not tolerate it, which is kind of the same thing, but still. Marciano, it wasn't acceptable, and you know that, despite what people tell me about your

eyebrows being attractive in today's day and age, which I still don't quite believe. What do you have to say for yourself? Please do it handsomely. That's the only reason you were hired. You should apologize to everyone, because it was not a sexy and curated experience. It's like, okay so Donut whines her little dog donut. It's like Shut up, donuts. Stop. Puffy was busy. They couldn't get puffy under contract for this I'm stuck with you donut. Shut the fuck up before I send you out to the gravel

Get up here. Look everyone in the face, even Steven. Ah, it's a rhyme, a sexy rhyme. So Marciano's like, everyone, I feel bad about how I treat a lot of people, and I'm like deeply sorry, and I promise won't happen again, and it's okay if you can't forgive me. And Lisa's like, do we acknowledge his apology?

Did you see that broken little man bird? Apologizing brought me to tears. And I was like, no, I'm too pretty for this. And they're basically like, no, boo, shut up. And Hannah's like, you know, actions speak louder than words. And he has to like stop thinking about himself so much because Lisa will fire him. Like everything is on the line for him right now.

I'm like, literally nothing is on the line for him. He just goes back to Vegas and like bangs waitresses and tourists and serves, you know, Mowat in like the fake Studio 54 in the MGM. Yeah. So the good news is we have a new guest of honor coming, Chai Zee. is we have a new guest of honor coming. Chize. Every time she says this guy's name, she says it like that. Chize is coming from Houston, Texas, and a wonderful group of five single men and one woman are coming.

With Chize from Texas. I think she just kept bungling this name and they're like, Lisa, you can't keep calling them cheesy because his name is spelled C H I Z I. Am I like Lisa practice or do I have it down? Someone write it on the young girls for it. Grace get over here. Cheesy. Cheesy.

Cheesy Lisa. So then Telly tells us, you know the guys are always having a good time and it's finally our turn to meet up, to meet some good guys. Now we get to let our freak flags fly too. Let the good times roll, get the flags up. Why is everyone laughing at me? Oh yeah, the producer just starts laughing at her

because she's being ridiculous. I personally at this point, Ronnie, because the women lay in so hard with like, finally some hot guys, finally get to flirt with some guys. I thought these were all gonna be gay men. I thought that was gonna be the twist. I think they were. Don't you?

I mean, it was off the table. Oh my God, they're like, oh my God, it is amazing here. What is this, a French chateau? This is gorgeous, girl, love it. You guys wanna come swimming with us? These are the gay guys. I have to say, it's not like it was fully off the table, but I definitely, I thought it was gonna be like,

they were all gonna come in and be like, yes, Quinn! Yes, I did too. Like they were really revving the girls up, but it was just gonna be a big gay party. They, yeah, and also it was the episode where it's like, oh, oh, they're supposed to be whoring around with the guests, right?

Because the rest of the episodes, it was like, are they supposed to be doing this? Because in the first episode, Lisa's like, please don't drink at work, it's so unprofessional, don't commiserate with the guests. But then suddenly it's like, okay, now go party with the guests, and as long as I don't see you drinking, ooh. And then it's, oh, he was making out with the guest, but then suddenly it's like, okay, now go party with the guest, and as long as I don't see you drinking, ooh.

And then it's, ooh, he was making out with a guest, but what about his girlfriend? Not, but he's at fucking work? What is he doing making out with the guest? So that's when I was like, oh, so they're supposed to be trafficked. Okay, this all makes sense now. So Lisa's like, oh, everyone everyone gather round the sexy, unique PowerPoint.

All right. This is actually a very poignant story, so I'm going to stick out my lower lip and curl it down. Jeezy, Chozy, Josie from M Magazine was in a terrible car accident, and they thought he would never walk again. And this group here is to celebrate they're doing booze and booze activity do you all know what that means booze the sexiest of the bread bulls uh don't you mean aren't they like balls yes i meant booze like bocce it's sexy, sexy bocce. This is France. I rhymed booze with booze. Very French. What do we call that?

Curated. So another glamorous LVP party, bocce ball. It's like, wow, glad you got out the PowerPoint for this one, Lisa. Jesus Christ. So Hannah, the girls are all like, wow, glad you got out the PowerPoint for this one, Lisa. Jesus Christ. So, Hannah, the girls are all like, oh my God, men are finally coming. The guys are going to make out with people,

now we get to make out with people. When yesterday it was like, oh my God, I cannot believe he's being so inappropriate making out with the guests. And today they're like, finally, we're getting laid. I'm like, add right on, let's just take it there. Go on, people. Oh, everyone, at Chateau Rosabel, the guest experiences paramount, and Marciano needs to

understand the severity of his actions. So she calls him into the office, and she says, sometimes in a situation like this, it's not okay to casually say, I'm sorry sorry it's not good enough time for sexy and curated reprimand and here it is here's your curse from now on you will have to grow your eyebrows out no more wax for you, Marcia! No! Please, I can't do it! Alright then. You'll have to do dishes instead. He's like, oh thank you. Thank you.

When Lisa almost took my eyebrow power away, I thought I was gonna die. But now I just have to work in the kitchen under the chef that I disrespected for a little while. Yes, you will have to work in the back of the house under the chef's supervision. And conveniently, you have a beep with the chef that just happened to work out so perfectly. Haha You have to return them

I'm gonna make you do what I did to max when he refused to wear pashminas like his sister I made him bus tables for a while He's still doing that to this very day. The man really has something against a pashmina. What can I say? That's neither here nor there. What? Scrub-a-dub-dub, boy! Listen, when I let someone down, I beat myself up so badly about it.

Well, I... It's more like I beat off. But anyway... I beat myself off, yeah. But I don't... I don't care if she needs me to clean floors. I will clean up donkey shit. I will do everything I can to impress Lisa Vanderpump. And then I will beat off after that. Yeah.

So everybody's cleaning. It's a cleaning segment, but it's this show. So it's just kind of light dusting, I will say. Yeah. I think Chateau's need more than this. I'm just gonna say spring for Arumba at the very least. It's gonna gonna be gross in here even Marciano Marciano later on is bitching About like having to load up a dishwasher, but it's like an industrial kitchen dishwasher Which is actually I would argue easier than like a home dishwasher because it's just like a nice big flat surface Just put everything on it and there's like you can keep all the credit on it

It's like the easiest dishwasher loading that you could possibly do. And he's like, oh man, this Tupperware is the worst. They're also so fast. Oh my God. I love a kitchen dishwasher. You lift the thing, you shove a rack in, you close it. It's done in a few minutes. At home, it's like, okay, this will be done in 17 hours.

And then you have to wait for the beep that never stops. And then you open the thing up and I have to air it out for it to dry on time. Like I have to know right when it stops so I could open it so all the steam can rise out of it. Cause otherwise I open it hours later and everything's wet and has like water, sitting water on it. Yeah. Why don't we have commercial,

why can't we have commercial dishwashers in our homes? Is there like a reason? Why do they use more power than a normal one or something? Huge and terrifying and ugly to have in your home. But I don't know, I mean, I've still, we could all have racks, you know, like they do in restaurants and we could just rack our dishes up and take them over there.

I don't know, I'm gonna work on that. Yeah, cause I would love that. The one that Marciano was filling up did not look massive. It looked like a normal size dishwasher, but it just had like those shelves that, I was like, those shelves, I want those shelves instead of what I have. Okay, so they're cleaning and Marciano's like,

I need to talk to Hannah, let her know how bad I feel about everything. And Hannah is on the flower swing, okay? And she's- It's like Victoria's Secret. Like, these flower swings. You know what I'm talking about? You know when the part of the Victoria's Secret catalog

that's actually like non lingerie, that's what so much of Villa, Villa Rosabella looks like or whatever it's called. This is very Vanderpump. I mean, remember her flower swing? Yeah. That's her trademark that Kyle tried to steal. Kyle has like the wish version

or the Ti Mu version of the Lisa Vanderpump. Ti Mu flower swing. But of course Lisa has brought her flower swing and Hannah, who's just completely natural and not ready for a scene at all, is swinging on the flower swing in a flower jumpsuit and heart glasses, just waiting for someone

to try and have a romantic scene with her. Yeah, it's very subtle. And then Telly's trying to really like amp this up. She's like, I think Hannah's about to explode. There was World War I, there was World War II, and now we're about to experience World War 23. I was like, well, I mean, I don't think the numbers really express the severity of the war. It's just like sequence. There was a warp and then there was

a sequel, but that's fine. And of course, I'm the only one who would get actually annoyed at that. I was like, I can't believe she was trying to make it 23, make it seem like that's an intensity of war when we all know that it's about the sequence of the sequels. So Marciano sitting with Hannah and say, hey, you wanna talk? And she's like, what is there to talk about? I already know your heart. And Marciano's like, I'm an idiot. I'm sorry, I'm an idiot.

She's like, you not only hurt me, you hurt everyone else too. I don't know how really, but it sounds good. Watch out, you're about to be in World War 23 right now. I'm ready. So he's like, she's like picking at her split ends. I mean, she's like a possum getting bugs off of itself, really. So she starts doing this like nervous picking at her split ends. And she's like, I mean, I don't even know what happened with Grace, but I heard your

back and then you're out here locking this with somebody else. You don't even give a fuck about my feelings. You didn't even care about my feelings. And he's like, you're right. You're right. Are you buying this? You're correct. Everything. So guys do, you know, it's like the dog house thing, or he's just going to say you're right until you just push him for five more minutes where he's like you fucking bitch Yeah, you never deserved it. Anyway, waiting for that moment Like I would like never do that to you cuz like everyone's like Hannah Hannah You're gonna do that to him and I'm like, I would never do that to you and like do you have any respect for me? Cuz like I feel like I've like really respected you like I've not once made fun of your eyebrows and everyone makes fun of your eyebrows

not once made fun of your eyebrows, and everyone makes fun of your eyebrows. I've demonstrably had your back in a way that I could point to instances where I had your back. What have you done for me lately? That's my Paula pound stone, by the way. You uncluttered slug. Listen, I fucked up, all right?

And thank you for telling me about Paula pound cake. That's like my favorite kind of version. And like, I just wanna make it up to you, okay? I wanna make it up. So you can't, you know why? Cause it's raw, like me, the meat that's on the floor, raw floor meat, thanks a lot. And he's like, but then what do you want?

Nothing. But then what are we gonna do about us? She's like, nothing. And he's like, nothing? what do you want? Nothing. But then what are we gonna do about us? She's like, nothing. And he's like, nothing? You can't do nothing about us. She's like, uh-huh. And guess what? I don't wanna speak to you.

Because guess what? Like, I don't want to. So there. And then she walks off. She's like, he's trash. You know what I just told him? I told him that I don't even have to speak to you. You know why?

Cause I don't want to. Trash. He's trash. So then she walks off just picking at her split ends. And then he does a really dramatic squat, where he's like, I'm so upset, man. Squat. Yeah.

So then over in the staff quarters, Priscilla's doing a little pedicure for Andre, because it's sort of like a flirty pedicure and everything. Oh, I think it's Gabriella who's doing that. Priscilla is watching though. Yes, you're right. Sorry, can you tell it's my notes today? I'm still getting everyone's names wrong

because it's- You're right, Gabriella was doing it. So they're just sort of like, they're doing that. It's like cute and Steven's like, do you guys want some lotion? And Gabriella says, you know what I feel like in this environment, it just kind of like heightens everything's like, do you guys want some lotion? And Gabriella says, you know what I feel like in this environment, it just kind of like heightens everything.

And like, also I feel like if I can't have someone, I want them more. So it like definitely happens. Like it's the worst. Like, and I do love Grace. And I know from day one, I supported her, but like, let's see where things go with me and Andre. Yeah. And he, she doesn't know

that he's let Grace down pretty easily. Cause Grace, the young maid, went to him and was like, I have feelings for you. He's like, no. And so she was like, oh my God, it was rejected. So now she thinks she's got her shot, right? So then Andre's like, yeah, you know what? She comes off very successful.

Things don't affect her. And that's why I'm a little attracted to her. I mean, she makes me want it, I guess. I'm like, Oh, okay. They're all so lucky, Andre. Commercials. Here comes one right now. So then, um, now the chef is watching from around the door creepily on this foot scene. It's weird. There's something weird with this chef. I don't know what it is yet, because I just was in love with him five minutes ago, but I forgot about this, scene, it's weird. There's something weird with this chef. I don't know what it is yet, because I just was in love with him five minutes ago,

but I forgot about this, like, just creeping around the door staring at the foot massage thing, like, ooh, he is like croissant, but boner. Boner-inducing croissant. Well, it is now six hours until check-in, and I know the kitchen is working tirelessly to create the wonderful, sumptuous, delicious roast beef dinner for tonight.

For a server, Marciano seems completely ignorant of the importance of the role that the chef plays in creating a roast beef. And I'm about to show him all the arrogance. Well, go and tell that to the dishes. Lightning comes out of her hands and he suddenly becomes just a dishwasher. So you will have Marciano in here until every last dish is cleaned. He will not get his hands back from rat hands to human hands until he's learned to finish the dishes. Well, I don't think he can do dishes without opposable thumbs. Oh, you're right, let me change the curse.

All right, he'll do dishes, but with terrible eyebrows. Wee, hoo, wee, hoo, wee. He's already got terrible eyebrows. Damn it, I'm wasting all of this lightning. Listen, chef, I'm trying to curate over here. wasting all of this lightning. Listen, chef, I'm trying to curate over here. So, uh, now there's like a little staff meal and everything and Hannah and Erica Marciano are talking and Marciano is eating enormous hamburgers and he's like, Oh man, she's putting me in the kitchen to work with a chef. She's like, you're working in the kitchen, but I

thought I was dating a lead server, the best in Vegas and now you're in the kitchen, but I thought I was dating a lead server the best in Vegas and now you're in the kitchen. That's like a downgrade." And she's like, I love her doing that. Like, I hope he learns his lesson because I can't let this drama affect me and whatever it is I need to be doing next, which is undetermined. This is literally, you have seen me do nothing this entire show. I hope this does not get in the way of me bringing a clipboard out to the guests and asking them how their day is. If I have to stop picking my split ends for this guy, I'm going to lose it. And you know what? I don't have to talk to them because I don't want to. So then the girls line up outside for the guests to come. It's very Dutton Abbey. I love that they do this, you know?

the girls line up outside for the guest to come. It's very Dutton Abbey. I love that they do this, you know? Da da da da da. So they're lining up, and the girls, hot guys are coming, put your tits out. So they're all adjusting their boobs in their farm girl dresses. And then Carolyn's like, oh, I'm so excited

because finally we have a lot of women. I want to see some men. And LVP comes out, she's like, oh, I'm so excited because finally we have a lot of women. I want to see some men. And LVP comes out, she's like, oh girls, how excited are we? Okay, all right. Well, you're frightening me now. All right. Okay, now listen everybody. He went through so much car accident, an accident in a car, a car that had an accident. It hurt so badly his name used to be Cheesy.

It actually changed around the vowels. It isn't easy being Cheesy. This is also to acknowledge the group where he thought he was lost. His friends reached out and said, stay in there. Sunday we'll eat roast beef in France. And that gave him his lifeline. So they show up and we see Chaisie and you know it talks about how he was like one moment

he's in an Uber, the next moment he wakes up in a hospital and his pelvis is broken. He had a punctured lung or punctured this, punctured that. It was terrible, but his friends stuck with him and he is there and he's like ready to celebrate life. So these guys are kind of, I feel like startup guys, are like kind of nerds, most of them, like nerds who can dress.

And they seem very nice. And there's one who's like hot. He's like the hot guy in the office. And, you know, he just gets all the ass from these guys and it just sucks for them every single time. And his name is Dan. And so Dan's the hot one. And so of course, immediately Hannah is like,

but I'm the hot one here. So I'm gonna go for their hot one. And so of course, immediately Hannah is like, but I'm the hot one here. So I'm going to go for their hot one because hot one plus hot one equals really suck at math, even when it's hot one math. But you get 23. So she's like, he's like, so where you guys from? And he's like, I'm in LA, originally Florida. And he goes, Oh, really? I'm from Vegas. You should hit me up. Because yeah, I definitely will.

Who says that? What does that even have to do with anything? Like, oh, you're from LA. I'm not, I'm from Vegas. You should hit me up if you ever come to Vegas. Who says that? Could you let them in the restaurant? You're basically at the hostess stand right now.

Like, how many in your party? Four? Oh my God, we should fuck if you ever come to Vegas. I know. Like, can I have my seat? Can I Oh my God, we should fuck if you ever come to Vegas. I know. Like, can I have my seat? Can I be served some bread first? What the fuck? Yeah, he is the cutest one, cutest one.

So we're gonna see where it goes. And so Marciano's just doing the dishes. He's like, uh, how do I feel about dudes coming when Hannah and I are in a rough place and I can't see? Not good, man. Not good. But I also can't see them because Lisa cursed me with overgrown eyebrows. I can't shave them because Lisa cursed me with overgrown eyebrows.

I can't shave them, it's so rude. So then later they're at the bar getting drinks and they're all cheering and wooing. And then Dan's like, guys, you know what we should do? Some body shots. And they're like, oh my God. And I thought they were gonna be like, let's do body shots off these hot girls, right?

But Dan didn't, which thank God, because that's like gross. Like let them at least stop being waiters for five minutes at night. But anyway, that's not what happened. Dan was like, do body shots off me. Who does that? I know.

It's weird. It's weird to also be like, let's do body shots and you as the staff drink the shots out of my belly button. It was just... It was weird to also be like, let's do body shots and you as the staff drink the shots out of my belly button. It was just weird. I mean, it was like, again, this is like one of 45 million different obvious producer, you know, things like, okay, Dan, we're going to need you to do some body shots. Can you just like say to the group, okay, thanks. Okay. We're gonna step aside and okay, do it now, Dan.

I mean, I just never have seen anybody offer themselves for body shots. I mean, I have, but it's like strippers or whatever, not Dan's. So, I've always thought I would be good at body shots if you were gonna come drink a yard, you know? So anyway, he's lying on the bar and the girls, like Priscilla and Telly,

are slurping shots right off of his washboard abs. And the guys are watching all jealous, you know, and Andre's like, we're in trouble. He's laying on the bar, wow. You would think these women were in a desert for years. So then Lisa is now doing, this is where Lisa is now like around the corner again,

like ooh. Even though by the way, they established in the first episode that there are like closed circuits, So then Lisa is now doing this is where Lisa is now like around the corner again, like, even though by the way, they established in the first episode that there are like closed circuit security cams in the bar room, she never actually looks at her like sliver setup. She just lurks around the corner with like half of her dress coming around coming around into the doorway. And she's like, normally, I don't want to see the staff drinking, but I'll turn a blind, sexy and curated eye. Marciano has been strutting his stuff like a peacock, which rejected this show I'd like to add. Now, maybe the girls will have a moment. So, the girls are like, yeah, guys are hot. We're gonna get guys, guys, there's guys here. Oh my god, there's guys and we're girls.

You know what? Every episode so far has been girls and then there's been no one for us. But now there's guys. Hey guys, what's going on today at dinner? Well, at lunch there weren't as many guys, but now we're girls and there's guys. It's literally every five minutes they remind us

that there's finally guys. Like, get it, you guys. There's not that many hot ones though. So good luck splitting Dan up between, and also the other guys are not interested at all. None of the guys even make a move. It's just Dan wanting people to do body shots off of him. Yeah.

Then Chef makes Marciano wear a hairnet just to make his life more miserable. And then Eric and Hannah are talking and he's like, so I had the conversation with your boy and he said, please tell her not to do anything she would regret, you know? And Marciano's like, I'm living it.

No, Eric's not the chef, Eric's the manager. Oh yeah, sorry. Eric was doing the chef impersonation. He's like, I'm living it. No, Eric's not the chef. Eric's the... Oh yeah, sorry....the expert manager. Eric was doing the chef... He's like, I had a pump of suspicion with your boy, okay? He's a really bad actor. Like, please don't be mean to him. Please don't be mean to your boyfriend, okay? And Hannah's like, he's acting like a pompous ass right now.

Like, this is why we aren't together. Like, I don't give a fuck. I'm gonna show Dan the party girl, okay? Cause I know Dan's heart. Okay, he's gonna hit me on. So now they're all slamming margaritas. Literally two days ago, it was like, you can't drink here. And then this episode, like, yes party!

They're like all slamming drinks down their throat. So now it's time to go to the curated experience, booze and booze, Bocce Ball. So Gabriella is like, oh my God, I'm so excited. There's guys here. Because normally there's not guys. It's usually girls. But now there's guys here. I'm so excited because one is hot and his name is Dan.

He's a nine. I was going to say he's a 23, but like whatever. So then we have Steven, he's like, okay everyone, so here's how we play bocce ball, okay? Whoever's close to the ball, or should I say the bulls, or the bulls, I don't know. Anyway, throw the balls at each other and try to hit each other and get next to the pole.

Okay, does everyone understand? Great. Get out of here, gay person, this is for girls, these are guys. Great. Get out of here, gay person. This is for girls. These are guys. So my next note is this show is really not very good.

I keep vacillating. I'm like, oh my God, this show's getting really good. And then we have a bocce ball segment and I'm like, please just kill me, okay? So Hannah is like, hey Dan, you should go now cause it's your turn. Am I distracting you? I'm from Vegas.

You should call me. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. That's my ringtone. So Dan is like, he's like, yeah, Gabriella, why don't you take your turn? Don't feel pressure. And so then she does well and they hug and everything. And there's like a lot of slow motion up and down

for sexy bocce ball. Hehehehehe. Look at them. Okay, I love the episode so far. and there's like a lot of slow motion up and down for sexy bocce ball. Look at them. Okay, I love the episode so far. Here's my only request. Can we make bocce boo sexier? I want slow motion people jumping up and down, cheering for the ball going over the gravel. Can we get a slow sexy gravel shot?

I knew this bocce. I knew this bocie ball would take off because we have so much fun playing it in Beverly Hills. Of course, in our version, I make pandy roll balls and whatever gets closest to the botch salmon on the grass is the winner. Whoever gets one inside Max's mouth who's lying there on the ground going like this wins. Sexy bocce. So Gabriella's like, I mean, like me and Andre are in a thing right now. Plus I have to respect

grace. So I, you know, Dan, cool. So then Dan's like, okay, well, since we like, since we lost sexy bocce or maybe because we won sexy bocce, the rules are a little hard to follow, but our team has Okay, well, since we like, since we lost Sexy Bocce or maybe because we won Sexy Bocce, the rules are a little hard to follow, but our team has to jump in the pool. So I guess we'll take off our shirts, huh? Yeah, it's like, it doesn't matter who won Bocce Bowl. I'm the hottest one, so I'm taking off my shirt.

Wanna come watch? I'm just like, yeah, fuck yeah, I do. So they go over there and Hannah is like, oh my God, I'm like, what? But then like when you're spontaneous, that's when you have fun. So I did it. You know why?

Cause like, I wanted to. Call me. So Lisa's like, you know, oh dear. When I said have a good time, I didn't mean jump into the pool with your uniforms on. Should I say something? Yes, but will I? I don't know when there's roast beef on the line.

Mwahaha. So now she's checking on them setting the tables later and everybody's dried off and she's like, oh God, please let the table be set, please let the table be set. It's set, ooh. So girls girls you can work and play at the same time. So masculine looking. Why is it so masculine? Because there are men here for the first time. Women serving men. It's insanity. Little belts on tiny

napkins. So masculine. Hold on one second. Because this is a masculine dinner, let me call in the maestro of masculinity, Nick Elane. He's going to install tiny little pendulums on every single plate. That's what men want. Is there any way to get these belts on tiny napkins sitting on giant clocks?

No. All right. All right, fine. We'll just go with belts. I want these plates to look so masculine. Are there any little hairs to represent the hairs that men leave in the sink after shaving? Very masculine. Oh no. One of the plates is making out with gale from the last party. It's just so masculine it can't help itself. Oh my god, that napkin is waxing itself into a terrible shape. Oh no, oh no, that, oh dear, that plate is removing its belt and napkin and dancing sexy for Dylan. Oh no.

But seriously, she's saying a masculine dinner, but it's a table full of pink roses, and she literally put tiny belts around the white napkins. I can't. Can I tell you something? I actually liked it. I actually liked it. There were flowers, but for Elisa Vanderpump, this was the most butch thing that she's ever put out. It's just so funny.

It's like, all right, we're curating men, men, belts. Men wear belts. So now the guys come in for dinner and they're like, cheers and everything. And I was like, all right, everyone, I'd like to introduce the most beautiful chef in the South of France, LazyTown Man. Let's keep it up for Canada.

And she was like, yeah, okay, quiet douchebag. So good evening. Yeah, this is the best dinner on the South of France. To start, we have a curated special amuse-bouche, it's a piggy in a blanket, and then a mini grilled cheese, followed by roast beef, and then English pudding called spotted dick. Lisa, your joke is ready for your time now.

Okay. We didn't make that up. Now listen everybody, we may serve, Spotted Dick, but we hope you don't leave with one. Ta-da, ta-da, duck! Thank you. How many times has she done that joke over the years? I feel like I've heard her say that like 50 times. But you know what?

I laugh literally every time. That is so hilarious. I don't see that one coming, guys. That was so funny. We hope you enjoy your clotted cream. We just hope you don't leave with any clots and cream. I guess it really is only specific to spotted dick. So Hannah's like-

It lands a little harder in this group though, because they are all gonna get banged on this trip. Their dicks have been spotted for a long time. And their dicks are being spotted actively by Hannah. She's like, I spot a dick. So she's like, I definitely like this group. Like they're all hot men and they're ready to party. I know their hearts.

And like, what could go wrong? Like I'm pretty. So like, end of story, hit me up everyone. Marciano doesn't even exist right now. And one of the guys is like, hey, can I get some extra sauce. Marciano doesn't even exist right now. And one of the guys is like, hey, can I get some extra sauce on this? What do you call it again? She's like, spotted dick.

He's like, ha ha, ha ha ha. So Eric's like, I'm gonna get behind that bar and do what I do best. Pour shots down their throats if they want it. Yeah, we're gonna turn up. This guy auditioned for like MTV Spring Break, couldn't get the role and then basically Bunimari was like, hey, listen,

we found your casting tape from 2007. Are you interested in doing what you were doing on that tape but in a chateau in France? I know you're about 47 now, but we think it could work. I know that you're like the mentalist but as drawn by a Disney cartoonist, but. Okay, so he is hot though, like Simon Baker, right? He is really hot.

Okay, so then this cringey white guy goes up to Andre at the bar and goes, hey, what's your name? And he says, Andre. And he goes, Andre, my brother! Yeah, brother! It was like a very, and he goes, Andre, my brother! Yeah, brother! I was like, please. It was like a very, it was definitely a moment

of like white person cringe. I was like, please stop, white guys, please. Yeah, and then like Hannah and Priscilla suddenly come out and they're like not in uniform anymore. And Priscilla's like, this is us in like normal life. And stop Priscilla with your spread eagle in front of Dan, he's mine. So they look gorgeous, of course.

And it is really like, okay, now here's the treats being brought out after dinner, right? They're at the old fashioned bar at this point, which also, by the way, I enjoyed that, that they had an old fashioned bar. An old, weren't they outside? Yeah, it was an old fashioned, there was a bar outside where they were serving old fashions.

Oh, I see what you mean. I was like, it is old fashioned. So it's so old fashioned, it was pre walls because it was outside. So they're starting to party with all the hot girls and stuff. And Eric is walking around going, shots, you want to do shots?

Cause that's what I do. Anybody want a shot? I want to do a shot. I want to do a shot with me. I want to do a shot with Eric. And they're like, no thanks, bro. And he's like, oh my God, they wouldn't even do shots with me.

They wouldn't do traditional shots to the face. Like, I wish Marciato was out of here. I just can't do this alone. I mean, if there was two people saying shots, they would definitely do it. The guys are like, sorry, we're not 23 and we're at an old fashioned bar. Like what part of that makes it sound

like we want to do shots? So Hannah's like, Marciano's in a dish pit. Like I can do like whatever I want. Like I'm going to grab a drink with Dan at the bar because he seems like a man of substance because I know it's hard. I can tell. It's hard as substance. I mean it's hard. I'm a heart nowhere. I know it all. Yeah, he's a a man of substance because I know his heart. I can tell.

His heart has substance in it. I mean his heart. I'm a heart know where. I know it all. Yeah, he's a real man of substance. He came in and immediately laid down on the bar and lifted up his shirt for people to shoot money. That's the first thing.

I'm like, oh my God, he must read a lot. Yeah, of course. So Hannah's like, hey, so what's going on? And he's like, yeah, you want to do some shots? Yeah, so what's your longest relationship And he's like, yeah, you want to do some shots? Yeah. So what's your longest relationship? I'm just going to ask. And he's like, oh, well, it was like a year and a half. Yeah, what happened?

What was it like World War 45? It's like, well, I was living in Spain because I'm international and I had to move back to the US. So have you had a long relationship in your 20s? Wow. By the way, watching Hannah try to be chill at this bar is hilarious, because this is where she starts twitching

and picking at her split ends and cocking her eyes. Yes. It started cracking up. It's like, this is her, like, I'm Hannah and I'm not just pretty right now, I'm sexy Hannah. So, what's your longest relationship? He used to live in Spain.

Please stop, whatever you're doing, just stop it. I know, she was so awkward. You're like the flirting equivalent of Elaine dancing on Seinfeld, just please stop. Please. And she's like, yeah, in my 20s, yeah, I've been in an off and on relationship. He's like, oh really, what's been missing in general?

I just feel like I went for like the wrong guy, like not a man of substance, not someone who ever lived in Spain, you know? So I just have to like respect myself as a woman and like announce that I'm gonna move on from it, but keep going back to it like over and over and over again, you know? Like he's a man that doesn't care about conditioner

and that's really hard to find in the guy. No way. So. And Dan is just staring off into space, like completely bored and trying not to stare at her twitching. Yeah. So he's like, yeah.

She goes, yeah, awesome. And Telly walks in and she's like, oh, are you guys deep right now? Because if you're deep, I can come back later. And she's like, no, not at all. So Eric's like, guys, we need to turn the party up. Anybody want to do shots? I know what you guys want. Let's pop some champagne. I'll shoot that down your throats. Guys, just let me down your throats. They're like, fine. And then Priscilla's like in her room alone. She's getting lonely. She hasn't found her partner in crime here yet. She hasn't found a

friend. So she's getting sad. And then we go back to Hannah and she's like, oh my God, you know, the thing is with Dan is like, he's a man of substance, but he also gets like really awkward when he doesn't know what to respond to my very substantive conversation. And Telly's like, whatever, I'll look up with him. Telly's like, I'll fuck him.

She's like, whatever, I'm going to bed because I'm not just gonna hook up for revenge. I mean, I can't do that to Marciano. What? So here she is already. I mean, you can't even let it go an episode. It's like watching Marciano, it's like Marciano has gone off to war

because he's doing dishes for one day. She's like, oh my God, I miss him so much. She's like acting like it's cold mountain. You know what? She is, she was basically- I couldn't watch that movie. I mean, if you really want me to come to a movie, you can't name it.

Two things I hate, cold and mountain. Yeah. Make it like- Gross. Room temperature, walkable- Valley. Walkable land. I wanna walk back.

Room temperature sidewalk. So- Room temperature booth. Room temperature booth. Room temperature booth, room temperature, um, chair, room temperature, so far. Yeah. So, uh, she basically was rejected by Dan who was like, I don't know what to talk to. Like, I don't know what to say to this, this idiot.

And so now that she's been rejected, she's going to frame it as her being actually a virtuous person, um, and not wanting to get revenge, a revenge hookup on Marciano. So now we go back outside. Also the guys completely nod into her and she's like, yeah, I'm not hooking up with Dan, sorry Dan. Oh, okay, yeah. Dan seems super upset about it because he's already over there all over Gabriela

who is probably who we wanted in the first place. So he's like, so, by the way, Dan is just so typical of a hot guy with nothing else going on. So he's like, so, do you wanna sit down? She goes, sure. So they go sit on this little bench and he goes, so how are you feeling? Now, I don't wanna speak for everyone,

but without some type of structure like this, it's really hard to develop these life skills that are gonna serve you the rest of your life. It's like the life skill of sitting down next to some fucking stranger who thinks he gets to bang you because he's paid for the weekend. I was like, what is he talking about? What is this gobbledygook?

What like, did he just like check in on chat GPT to like fill it, create his lines for himself? So she's like- I took it as him talking about her job. Like, oh my God, look at you, you're young. And like, I know it just seems like you're waiting tables, but you're gonna develop skills that you're gonna use the rest of your life.

Yeah, and that like you, what you're doing is valuable here. And so she's like, yeah, it's a bright group of people. Maybe you have to work on your line, but you know, I can tell that you're really good at your job. And she's like, whatever, it's funsy, you know, Dre is on the roster, so let's not jump the gun. But like, we're not together,

so I'm gonna have some fun with Dan. Yeah, and then Andre sees this and he's like, I'm confused, we were flirting, so he's all hurt now. So then later, Gabriella and Dan are in robes. And he's like, we had so much fun. And then tonight, I saw it. You're definitely my type. We talked about life goals.

Remember how I told you waiting tables builds character? Let's fuck now. So they kiss. And then, yeah, they just like make out on the side. And then Eric is jumping around on a broom. I don't remember Eric. Well, they have these out on the side. And then Eric is jumping around on a broom. I don't remember Eric. Well, they have these wacky, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's the end of the-

They show the credits, and then they show little wacky things from the episode. When was Eric walking around talking to himself, which he does, because there's cameras there, and he's a very soap opera actor. He's an aged out soap opera actor. And so when Lisa Vanderpump was like, if you don't behave yourself, you are going to be fired. Do you understand? He's like, aged out soap opera actor. And so when Lisa Vanderpump was like, if you don't behave yourself,

you are going to be fired. Do you understand? He's like, yes, we saw. And then she leaves and he's like, I've got to do better and I will do better. I'm gonna do better because I am better. I'm a man. That's what men do.

She's like, are you talking to yourself, darling? Who are you talking to? He's like, myself. She goes, oh, it's not normal, right? Yeah. So that's right. He was riding that broom and he was being wacky and Andre was like, I don't like to call people weird,

but this guy is different and weird. Yeah, and he's like, I'm riding a broom like a tornado. He's trying very, very hard to be wacky, which I'll give him credit because he's not just relying on his hotness as a personality. He's trying to fake a different one.

Unfortunately, it's not too palatable, but he's making an effort, you know? In the meantime, just keep on doing those pull-ups, sir, because they're working for you. Just be shirtless. Well, everyone, thanks for listening to our recap of Vanderpump Villa. We still have Vanderpump Rules to come this week, as well as a million other shows.

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