Watch What Crappens - #2403 PumpRules, Part 2: Jax U Next Tuesday

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

*This is part 2Jax returns to Vanderpump Rules (S11E13) to wreak havoc and sweat all over Lisa Vanderpump. He’s furious about having to fight rumors of cheating while at the same time in real life he’s fighting rumors of…well, cheating. We will wait for you to recover from the absolute shock of it all. Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Winter Is Crappening ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Hi, I'm Misha Brown and I'm the host of Wondry's podcast, The Big Flop. Each episode, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Follow The Big Flop wherever you get your podcasts. Hi everyone, welcome back. This is part two of a two part recap. If you're wondering where part one was, we'll go check in the feed and be sure to subscribe.

Let's get right back into the episode. Okay, so, um, to tattoo, that's not good enough for you. Sorry I lost it. It's like, uh, Bueller's craving his dead. Now I'm thinking about dead dogs and having them tattooed on you. I've really brought myself out here with this one. So he's like, yeah, I've converted all of my lips into tattoos. Katie, healthy pee, Gordo, butters.

I think I'm becoming a tattoo guy. At that point, Rusty's like, all right, I give up. I'm gonna become a banker. Let's jump the shark. So, Santa Vol's like, dude, it's gonna be like really interesting up in San Francisco. Like me and Ariana are like sitting together like right next to each other.

It's gonna be like really nice. You're joking. So, Santa Vol says, Kyle Chan invited us all up to San Francisco, because he's like releasing a whiskey up there. And he said, this will surely get me on the show if I really buy not just you, but production a trip up to San Francisco, right? So we're going to do it. Oh, thirsty Kyle Chan.

Of course you're having a trip for your fucking release party with the cast of Vannar. God, listen, he's using what the good Lord gave him. So you gotta hand him that, but my God. So Sandoval's like, wow, it's gonna be amazing. It's like in this private island, there's gonna be statues. Like you have to take a boat there. It's like, it's seriously nuts, bro.

So now they're talking about- You're talking to Alcatraz. I know, right. It's like, nah, it's like, seriously not, bro. So now they're talking about- So you're talking about Alcatraz. I know, right? It's like Epstein's Island. It's a private island, and they have like this huge mansion on it, and it's like awesome,

and they've got like the best lighting scheme. It's gonna be like the best ever, man. They've got like a big dome, and then like this thing that looks like the pyramids of Egypt. Like you're being taken to Epstein's Island and sold into human trafficking. They've got like a big dome and then like this thing that looks like the pyramids of Egypt. Like, you're being taken to Epstein's Island and sold into human trafficking. It's like middle-aged human trafficking, you know?

They're like the last stop on the human trafficking train, Sandoval. So they start talking about the ha- God, this is getting dark. Talking about dead dogs, human trafficking. What else can we do? So- We can talk about Britney some more. God, yeah, you're right. Okay, so we've already got the three most depressing things. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm laughing, not crying.

Okay, so they start talking about the house and Schwartz is like, well, I can't afford that dude, the bar almost ruined me. I need to make more sound decisions because the last high stakes adventure I took with Tom, it's still kind of hurting me to this day. And we see the neon sign of Schwartz and Sandys and just hear that horror squeak. Yeah, and it sort of like like it like flashes up on screen and then goes away in that new

transitional style that they have. Also, I love the idea of Schwartz talking about how he needs to make more sound decisions as he actively is getting Gordo and Butters tattooed onto his back. He gets Gordo and Butters glamour shots tattooed onto his back. So, um, Sandoval's like, no, dude, like you should move in. It's like a nice respectable house. Like I've got a soda gun and beer taps and everything, man. He's like, I have a soda taps. Oh, all right, I'm in.

Fanta, right? Promise me there's Fanta, I'm in. He's like, well, if I can live with my ex, I can live with, wow. And he falls over on his stool. He falls over, which was great. I liked that. It was very much like that scene in Big Business where the gay falls over. So then he's like, that was karma, dude. Ariana got you with that one.

He's like, dude, I'm getting a lot of karma these days. And then the song comes on, it's like karma, it's karma, karma. Okay, really? Are we just gonna literally take the last words that they say? It was a great transition. How dare you?

A B B L E S, hey you like that? A B B L E S, apple apple apple apple. H U M A N T R A F F I K I N G. Oh, B-B-L-E-S, apple, apple, apple, apple. H-U-M-A-N-T-R-A-F-F-I-K-I-N-G. Can you please do that lyric again? Okay, so then James and Ale are walking to a face gym, which is hilarious. I like, I was like, I was laughing at how ridiculous these places in LA are.

And then I was like, I kind of want to go cause I'm so fascinated by this ridiculous concept of a face gym where it probably costs like $150 or $300 to get your quote unquote face workout. They do cardio on the cardio on your face. Well, I think I actually have one of these machines. I should look it up right now. I have this machine, I got it for Christmas

because I saw it on Facebook. Let me see, it's called New Face. Microcurrent facial toning devices. I think this is what it is, Sculpt on the Go. My cousin's like, it's like getting a facelift. Look, I have a picture where it looks like half of my face is facelifted and it did. Like half of her face was like this and then the other half was like, it's like getting a facelift. Look, I have a picture where it looks like half of my face is facelifted and it did.

Like half of her face was like this and then the other half was like this. I was like, well, why don't you do both sides? And she's like, cause I wanted a picture. I was like, but you still, your face is still like that. And she's like, yeah, I got tired. Like, so anyway, I got one and I haven't used it yet. Cause I'm terrified of it.

Cause I turned it on and it sent a current into my face or something. And I was like, oh! But now that I saw them use it on the show, I'm like, oh my God, I wanna work my face out. I didn't know that's even what it was. I'm doing it. Microcurrent skincare routine, five minutes a day. Yeah, it's basically a basic lymphatic drainage system.

Yeah. Sounds hot. It's our signature sculpt. Sign me up. Drain these lamps, be-ah-choo! So James like, you know what? I'm not about the plastic surgery. This is all natural, okay?

You know what? And the lady's like, yeah, this is like sit-ups for the face. I was like, you need to stop. You need to stop now. That's taking it a little far. I was like, you need to stop. You need to stop right now. That's taking it a little far. I need more of a bend. Like, bring your face up more, bring your face up more.

So yeah, sit ups for your face. And James is like, this is au natural, I just woke up my face. So we see them getting their faces tapped and then these devices on their face, which I think is these new face things. And so then they start talking about how the dog, their faces tapped and then these devices on their face, which I think it's these new face things. And so then they start talking about how the dog basically,

cause she's like, yeah, you know what? Like, by the way, did you text Summer about the dog? And it's like, listen, I want to go to that wedding, but I'm not sure about having, leaving Hippie with anyone. And she's like, yeah, but we should bring him to someone's house to let him be taken care of. He's like, no, I can't do it to Hippie. Yeah, he is really, he does not want to leave Hippie alone

for like a weekend, because like Hippie's already gone through so much, you know, Ali and I were planning and going out town for her best friend's wedding, but Hippie's just come back into my life and he's been through so much trauma, it's not the time to find a stranger to watch him." I was like, okay, sir, you need to, okay. I get it. We're very happy that Hippie, you and Hippie are reunited. Hippie has gone through a whole thing. We love this for Hippie. We love Hippie's journey, but let's, let's, we have to, this is ridiculous. You have to go to that wedding.

I'm sorry. What do you want? Is that now what are they doing? Do you hear that? It sounds like they're grinding through rocks. What's going on down there? Maybe they're chopping up the tree. Fucking leaf blower.

God damn it. I hate that thing. Fucking hate the leaf blower. I hate the leaf blower. And an erection. Anyway, the point is this. I'm sorry guys. So yeah, so he's traumatized. Look, here's that thing. I fucking hate the Lord of the Rings. Jackson's got an erection. Anyway, the point is this. Okay, I'm sorry guys. So yeah, so he's traumatized. Look, here's the thing.

I think he hates his friend with the wedding. I think he does not want to go to this wedding. He hates this group of girls and he doesn't want to go. Because I think that, listen, I get trauma, whatever, but I don't think it's trauma. I think he hates this girl. That's my guess because most people are like, okay, I love you.

You're my, Mueller's my favorite. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. And I'm like, bye. I just drop think it's trauma. I think he hates this girl. That's my guess because most people are like, okay, I love you, Bueller's my favorite. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. And I'm like, bye. I just drop a mic and leave. When I don't see him, I assume everything's fine. I'll just leave him, I'll tie him to a post. I don't care.

If I don't see it, it's like Schrodinger's cat, like we were saying the other day. Bueller's dog. I just figure he's Rondel's dog. He's fine. If I can't see him, he's fed and fine. Okay, bye. The hippie will be fine.

There are so many dog people on this show. No one is going to traumatize hippie for the weekend out of all these people. And you're telling me that at this entire cast where everyone has a dog, there's not a single person who can take care of hippie. It's literally fine. I cannot stand when people pull this shit.

If I were Ali, I'd be like, fuck you, I'm gone. I'm out of this relationship. I see where I stand. I am below the dog and goodbye. Yeah. I mean, look, dogs get traumatized by the male man coming. You know what I mean? And then they get over it because guess what I have? I don't have the power of conversation or the power of therapy or anything like that. I have the power of treats. Okay? Here's a treat. And then they're like, oh my God, I forgot everything.

Everything's great again. I could leave that dog for a month in a gutter and come back and he'll be like riddled and fleas and matted down. And I'll be like, I love you though. Here's a treat. And I'll be like, I love you again. Everything's fine. I'm kidding guys. Don't traumatize your dogs.

I'm about to say, you can't find your emails. Now like you don't understand what dogs have to go through. People know, I'm kidding. I love my baby. I would never put him in dangerous way. I love him. I do get the idea of fur babies and all and being afraid to leave your dog.

I do actually get that, but he's not the newest dog owner in the world. And he's left the dog before. Like I think he hates these girls. That's my guess. Yeah. So Ali is just like, yeah, well like it's just going to be like five days, like whatever. Like you've already gotten comfortable with not sleeping with the cats and like that's not good for the relationship because I start sleeping in the guest room, then it's like five days. So apparently it sounds like there are certain nights where Ally sleeps in the guest rooms, that way she can cuddle with the cats at night.

And probably get away from Hippie, because you know that Hippie's probably like a terror in that bed. Yeah, they can't have them in the same room to sleep. So she's sleeping in a separate room to sleep with her pets and he's sleeping, well, first of all, he's the one who brought the dog into the house. So he should sleep in the guest room.

Why does he get the main room? And she's like relegated to Mr. Banks and the Fed in the other room. I know, there's something definitely fucked up going on. And he's like, but is that old gonna be able to co? And she's like, yeah, but you have to make compromises somewhere. I don't know, something is not right.

And I think the balance is off in this relationship, which we could have told you about, you know, a year ago, by the way. Pete Yeah, there's something fishy going on here. I don't believe, I don't know that I really believe this relationship. Because you remember when this relationship started, it was right after the Raquel stuff. And then he was putting stories on Instagram immediately, oh my God, look at me, it's me and Ali Bali. The most gorgeous woman I've ever met. I've never been so in love. I love you, I love you, I love you sweetheart. I love you, do you love me?

Look, it's Ali Bali, it's Ali Bali. I love her, I love Ali. Like they were so manic and fucking insane and then Ali's just in a pool like, hi. He's like, oh my God, I've never been so in love. He's just been acting so manic and crazy ever since this started. And now he's doing this whole thing

where he's sobbing and breaking down every single week. It's just, something's wrong over there, okay? We've never had a season of James just being normal. And I know everybody's buying into this shit. I do not buy into it. And I wanna know what's happening over there, okay? You're fooling me a little bit, but I need to know what's happening. What secret shit is he doing over there? Yeah. So now we're going to see some stuff around

town. We see Schwartz. Now this is where Schwartz gives his sweet potato chews wrapped in chicken treats to the dogs. And then we see- Oh, I thought I missed it. Yeah. And then Lala and Sheena. Lala's got gray hair, and then Tom and Ariana's on the treadmill again. And she's talking to Dan and Ariana's like, yeah, so you're coming to San Francisco with me. He's like, well, that's what you want. I'll come.

I mean, you don't have to hang out with everyone, but I want you to be there for bedtime. We can cuddle. He's like, yeah, I'm just going to come for the cuddles. So then the assistant Craig comes in and he's like, hey, just need to grab some things. Hey, by the way, you know how long you're gonna be in here? Cause Tom wants you to work at it. How about Tom can go fucking fuck himself, Craig, and watch your tone and get the fuck out of here, not Anne. Get out of here with your slimy greasy mustache. Go do some cleaning like Anne did, okay? This house has gone to shit since you started here, Craig, you of crap get out of here I'll be gone when I'm gone how about

that I'll be gone when you look over and the doors open and I'm gone and there's a machine with my sweat all over it that you are able to wipe down you're welcome go go mustache yeah walk so now we have a clip of, yeah, cause I guess Tom wants to have a realtor meeting downstairs. So we see that he's like on FaceTime with some realtors talking about properties. And then now the whole group goes, goes off to, I think they actually go to Sir for the Jack's Brunch, right? So Tom is like, I wrote Tom Tom, but I don't know.

I don't know. It's all the same. It's a spectrum. So I mean, maybe they did go to Tom Tom. I can't remember, to be honest. I'm not used to Sir Daytime and there was such a big patio. I mean, I guess Sir does have that back area that,

I don't know. I don't know what it was. I think they were at Sir this time. It was because it was the brunch. So Tom is- But they started Tom Tom Brunch, remember? When they were like, oh, we're doing brunch at Tom Tom. So I thought they were trying to make that happen.

Yeah, but Guillermo was here. This was a Guillermo, this was a Guillermo. All right, this is a Guillermo, this is a Guillermo joint. So they go to the brunch and everything, and Katie is like, shorts. How many Tire Cloth shirts do you own now? He's like, two. Just kidding, one. Just kidding, two. Oh, just kidding.

One. Oh, just kidding. I don't own any shirts. I stole this from someone. Oh, Katie. Katie's wearing a shirt that says boys lie. So Schwartz is so then she was like, I want to see like this. I want to see your tattoo.

I like I heard it's like a portrait this time. And he showed., oh my God, ha, you're a people yelling ass. And you're like, I'm sorry, did you get that tattooed also? It's a good idea. So then we see Vanderpump talking to Giermoor. He's like, why are we hosting an event with Jax Taylor? He's like, I think we're over capacity, so that's good.

You know, like there's more people than usual. So pretty good, right? That's good, you know? Like there's more people than usual, so pretty good, right? Ah, but he's been so disrespectful to me publicly. And we see a clip of Jax on the morning toast and or the toast, whatever. And he's like, he's like,

what's even the point of Lisa Vanderpump even being there? She's just like a prop. Yeah, so then she's like, how did this slip through Guillermo? It's like, ah, I have no idea. And then James comes over, she's like, how did this slip through Guillermo? It's like, ah, I have no idea. And then James comes over, it's like, hi Lisa, thanks Guillermo for inviting Jax personally

to come to this day at Sir. She's like, you little rascal Guillermo. So then Jax, we see clips of Jax being a bad little boy and being like, ah, I've been in jail since Saturday night, literally been in jail since Saturday. Oh, by the way, she shut the fuck up or I'm going to drop my fist in your fucking face. What am I supposed to just sit here and be quiet, Lisa Vanderbump? I mean, if you're going to negate me publicly, then why are you going to come and have an event

at my restaurant? So in walks Jax in slow mo and he's like, hi, hi, everyone. Hi, hey. And then he's like trying to be all charming to Lisa. He's like, hey, should I sit down? Should I sit down? Well, only if you have to. Okay, well, I'm going to sit down. Only if you have to. He's like, what do you want me to stand up? She's like, no, I don't really want you to be here at all, Jax Taylor. He's like, why, I don't really want you to be here at all. Jack Taylor. He's like, Why? The way you came here expecting things to be cool and cozy when you're on a podcast saying Lisa's a prop. She's not needed. Superfluous. That's what you said. You said superfluous. And they're all like,

What? What was that word? He's like, I don't know what that word means. I wouldn't use that word, which is two Vanderpump shows in a row that we've heard that. Because on Vanderpump Villa, that girl's like, I don't even know what Toucan Sam is. And now Jack's like, I don't even know what superfluous what? What is that? And James is like, I don't know. I've never heard of it.

Is she making it up? No, I'm going to look it up on my phone. It means unnecessary, especially, to be. Wait, is it supervalous, like a pervert? Necessary especially be it. Wait, is it supervalous like a pervert? Oh God, I'm sorry. Stick to single syllables for the rest of this conversation. Can we just get back on point?

I've got five minutes of caring left in me. Oh, come on. Just yes. So she's like, well, the point is, I could have sat back in the press and I could have said the only person that wasn't needed on the show was you. But I didn't say that. But now we've said it. Come on, Camille, you're ready for your lines. Oh well. And he's like, oh, guys, so here we go. All, then fine. The last three years, you could have checked on me

and my wife, but you didn't. You just wrote me off. You're such a fucking hypocrite, Jax. He's like, you wrote me off after 10 years. I mean, okay, so if I said something sorry in the heat of the moment, okay, my bad. Okay, so you could have said something right and been like, sorry, you fucking leech.

You loser leech. Jax, I wasn't gonna say anything. All the shit you talk about me when you put my name on a flyer for my business, I would be remiss not to say something. All right, move along. I did some perfunctory on-camera scolding of you, which should therefore make people not angry at me that I brought you back.

For sure. So, he gives her a hug, which should therefore make people not angry at me that I brought you back. So, he gives her a hug and she stays seated, but she still hugs him back, which is big for her because we know that she hates hugs. And so, he goes away and pretends to DJ or something. So then he goes to the girls' table and Katie's like, oh wow, What a blast from my presence. What comes home? And Katie's just like, I'm not a fan of Jack's Taylor. Whenever someone

has to talk about how much they've changed or tries to sell themselves on something, the less of that they are. He's like, so, so Ariana, so, so, you know, I'm not much of a gossip and they all start cracking up. And he's like, but you know, you're aware that Schwarz might be moving into your house, right? Yeah, I heard that.

So, and then we see a clip of Schwarz telling Jax five minutes earlier. He's like, oh, so Sandoval offered me a very indecent proposal. Oh, here we go. You're gonna move in, aren't you? How did you know? I mean, it just makes sense.

We know we have like bars together and we have like a life together and we share a subscription to Philip Hughes Lights. So it makes sense. Arianna, with the minute he, every guy that walks in, Arianna's holding her napkin kind of up over herself, like she's hiding behind her napkin.

It's the weirdest thing. I get that she's at a restaurant eating brunch and so she's using a napkin, but the fact that she's not like tucking it in, she's just holding it up like kind of a weapon. You know, every time the guys come near, she's like. It's giving like shower towel energy. Like I'm covering myself up lest you see me indecently.

Yeah. So she does that again. And she was like, so where's my money? And Lala's like, oh, I've got a great invitation of Tom's. He goes, hey, now I got my money. I used to move into my house. It's actually like kind of decent. And Ariane is like, yeah, well, when I get what I want

and what I deserve, it can be the dojo mojo casa for all I care, I don't care. Yeah. So then, then I was just face James is like, everyone, I'm having people, I'm having people over for a pool party later today. It's really fun. We'll go swimming. We'll dodge the ice that falls out of the plains overhead. It'll be a great time. Jax, you're invited too, old man.

Commercials, here comes one right now. I love a good parasocial relationship with a celebrity who will probably never know my name. I mean, honestly, who knows? Don't count yourself out. But my favorite part about these feuds is how they're ignited by the tiniest things. Jada, I love you. G.I. Jane too.

Can't wait to see you. I accidentally laminated my brows too much. It starts small and then it gets so big. Be honest, Naomi, I'm fearful of you to this day. I don't know her. We all just have to admit, we're addicted. Everybody has opinions. Everyone picks sides. Leave Britney Spears alone right now!

From Wondery, I'm Sydney Battle. And I'm Matt Bellassai. And this is Dis and Tell. La la la. From Wondry, I'm Sydney Battle. And I'm Matt Bellassai. And this is Dis & Tell, where we unpack why we get so invested in these feuds and whether or not our attention only makes the whole thing worse. Follow Dis & Tell wherever you get your podcasts. 50 high school senior girls descend on Mobile, Alabama every summer to compete for a massive cash prize.

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the deep end with the best and brightest and How does surviving the competition prepare them for everything that comes after? Follow the competition on the wonder app or wherever you get your podcasts You can binge all episodes of the competition early and ad free right now by joining wonder plus So then Lala's like, um, yeah, I guess I need to call my husband to make sure it's okay if I come. Hello, husband. And Brock goes, oh, Lala, you're calling me. And then it cuts to Sheena's face being like, oh, intrusive thoughts.

So, uh. Intrusive thoughts. They're like, um, ma'am, I'm still waiting for my intrusive omelet. Oh. It's time for Sheena to come out with a power ball for my intrusive omelet. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa It's time for Ashina to come out with a power ballad called intrusive thoughts. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhjkjkjkjkjk Oh gosh. So Santa Claus and James are at the bar. James goes in, they do the scene again. This cracks me up. They just keep pretending they're okay. James like, all right, what's up?

What's going on? You know, want to come out? Sorry that thing happened the other day. Want to come to my house after? We're going to have one last pool shin dig. Now look, I don't feel angry with you. All right? As men, we shouldn't let it go to that.

All right? We are men, not women. Do you understand? Look at this face. This is all natural. I've just done some facial sit-ups, so let's get through this as men, shall we? Yeah, I think that's good that you recognize it. I was like, big man. He's like, yeah, you need to recognize how you sound, bro. And I hope it's not in like six months when you look back and you say, bro, I said like a two, you know what I'm saying? So they all go over to James's house after this brunch and it's gonna be afternoon pool party and stuff.

And James is like, but now that Jax Taylor is in the living room, now we have to all go to the back. Ha ha ha ha ha. And so Jax is just like excited because they have a babysitter. So he just wants to party tonight. So Ali comes over and she was like, Oh, hey, it's pretty spice.

I guess Lala comes anyway. Sorry. So she was like, Oh my god, he's pretty spice. I'm sick. I thought I was scary spice. No, because like I'm more platforms and you're more sneakers than I'm definitely posh spice. And Katie goes, Um, no, I'm Posh Spice. So man, Lala can just never win no matter how hard she tries every season. She can't even be in their fake Spice Girls, you know?

I know. Ali's like, I'm in the moon is in the seventh house of the Sunspice. So now everyone is, they're partying and it's the pool party and stuff like that. And Katie's like, so earlier this week, Ali and I had dinner and she told me like, whatever, like how it's going with hippie and the cats and how she's making sacrifices. And we see a clip of Ali saying, we're supposed to go to Ohio for a wedding, but now Harry, his brother is out of town. So he's like, I can't go to Ohio. And I'm like, what? Yeah. So like basically she's the one having to make all the sacrifices in this relationship.

She's basically like sacrifice. And Katie's like, he only wants Harry to watch the dogs, but Harry's busy at that time. So James walks up and he's like, hello, what's up? Surely not talking about me. He's like, uh, actually we were just all talking about you. So you're like, Ali was talking about this wedding. This wedding is like really important. It's like, right, right, right. But my brother, he's out town the same weekend. So it looks like can't leave hippie alone. Not what I'm saying. Well, maybe you could open it up to someone else.

Cause like, this is like the top rated show on Bravo. And we've moved on to Doggy Day, Charisma. So let's really make this one pop, shall we? And he's like, I know, I get it. I get it, all right, I get it. I can't do that. He doesn't understand. I can't do that to him.

I can't do it to him. He's just all staring at him like what? And he's like, none of you understand what it's like being the father to a fur baby and having to leave your child with somebody. You're talking to people with actual babies. Lala's like, oh yeah, so I guess I don't fucking understand. Yeah, you're talking about this to someone

who has this actual identical problem, but with a human child and not with a dog. I don't think you're gonna get any sympathy from this group. They're all like, we all have pets. We all understand. We understand animals. You don't understand, because Hippie's the best. He's the best pet and the best baby. So understand. We understand animals. You don't understand because Hippie's the best. He's the best pet and the best baby. So you don't understand at all.

Yeah. And James is like, yeah, I'm just going back. I'm not going to let anyone tell us about again. No one understands how deep it goes with me and Hippie. And so we see pictures of them and like a picture at Easter where Hippie's wearing rabbit ears with James. I mean, it's sweet that he loves this dog so much, but I get it. I do, I just don't buy it. Yeah, I don't buy it. I'm not buying any of this.

And Katie's like, we're just talking like four days. Like, I know, but four days sound like hell to me. It's sickening, I mean, you don't understand. And Lala's like, oh, I don't understand dropping off my babies with some random woman. You don't think I don't understand? Cause guess what? One thing you may not realize is that I had a husband's

and then he cheated on me and he left. And it's actually a whole thing. And if we want to actually finally get my storyline started, so I've been waiting all fucking season for this. So let me have my scenes right now. So case, I just dropped my baby soft with a badly hair cut a teenager in my old Range Rover. So don't lecture me about this ball shots. So she goes outside all mad and she says,

please don't ever compare me to fucking child care to finding childcare. You buffoon. Yeah. And I mean, she's right. And she's like, it's very clear to me that like in the relationship that James comes first and Alice comes seconds. And like you can never allow the manskes to come first. No pun intended, which obviously, I'm assuming that was meant as a pun,

but I don't really know anymore. So, Jax and Brock are outside and Jax is like, I got a babysitter because I'm a dad. So I'm drinking today, got permission from the old ball and chain. I'm a dad. This is great, I'm a dad. So.

I wish they got footage of him getting wasted, just because last week on the valley He was like yeah, I have like a drink, but I don't get too wild I was like, please please get wasted right now Who can tell with this guy? He seems like he's always fucked up to me. And so then Brock's like, wait a minute You were a father. Yeah, every time Jack says he's a father Drink turpentine. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. That was an intrusive thought. Sorry.

All right, I was like, we're gonna get fucked up. So then the plane goes by again, like so many planes this episode. And Jack's is like, this is like a real flight pattern. And I think somewhere in here, Aly has something like, yeah, I grew up next to an airport, so I'm used to it, but it's like really hard for James, which I thought was like

such a funny wrinkle in her story. Yeah, I grew up with planes over hand. Yeah, so- Perfect pitch is basically out of the question, but I do know basic chords. So James is talking to Tom and Katie and James is like, did you talk to Js about that shit? Because Jacks came up to my house the other day and he was like talking shit about Katie.

Did you hear? And he's like, oh, yeah, I mean, he's he's not happy with you, Katie. Oh my god, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it. Oh, because you found a picture already, Katie. It's like, well, there are rumors about Jax cheating on Brittany online. Like thousands of people saw it. Now Jax is blaming me for rumors being out there in the world. I mean, the man does not know how the internet. And I think this was the one where, where it was the picture of him and his publicist all snuggly and close on

Instagram. And Brittany released a statement being like, yo, this is Laurie. She's the public, she's nice, she's Jack's friend. Sometimes, you know, when you go to the bathroom and someone holds your purse or sometimes Jack has to do something and she just holds his penis for me, it's just friendship. I don't know why everybody's so upset about it. So Schwartz calls Jack over and Katie's like, what are you on about? Which is very British. And he's like, what are you on about? Because I took a picture with someone. It's like, well, the internet talks about you. It's like, yeah, the internet talks about you too. She's like, I'm glad. I'm glad too. Awesome.

Why are you so angry right now, Jax? Why are you so angry, Jax? He's like, I'm not, but you do it to my family? I mean, you're doing this to an innocent family? Why wouldn't you talk to Brittany? She's like, um, cause I don't like you, Jax. Yeah, but I don't like you either. Yeah, but I don't like you. Yeah, but I don't like you.

But I don't like you. You smell. You smell. So they keep doing that. And she's like, why would I call Brittany? Jax sucks. Like this is why I don't call Brittany. Her husband sucks.

Like what do you want from him? Exactly. And then we also get like a clip of Jack's, she's like, I've always hated Jack's. We see a clip of Jack saying like, oh, I would love nothing more than for Schwartz to rail a girl right in front of Katie. So she's like, this is why I hate him. So she's like, I don't fuck with him.

So Ariana's like, you know, Brittany would never be like, Oh, I love that my husband just yelled at Katie and Lala's like, no, she would have intervened since stops. Yeah, she was, she would have been right in the middle of them going, yo, he didn't mean it. He didn't mean it. It was basically like a hug. It was like a word hug. He just gets like when he gets high, he just gets a little cranky and like it could have been you could have been anyone, but he meant nothing by it. He just wants the best for you.

He just loves you so much, Katie. So later Schwartz pulls Ariana aside and he's like, I just wanted to address something because we're fine. I love that for us. But like Tom was speaking to me and hypotheticals, just hypotheticals, hypotheticals. He's like, I already know that you're moving into my house. Okay, Jax told me. Okay, oh man, he promised he wouldn't say anything.

So yeah, yeah, he did. So it would just be like you living in my house. Well, no, no, no, I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I mean, I told Tom not to do it, but I'm not gonna do it. I can't afford it, so I'm not gonna do it. I mean, maybe I'll do it. I going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I mean, I told Tom not to do it, but I'm not going to do it. I can't afford it. So I'm not going to do it. I mean, maybe I'll do it. I'll probably do it, but I'm not going to do it. I won't do it. I'm doing it. I'm packed. Packed right now. Oh my God. Hold this. Hold this while I sit down on it. Oh my God. It's a theoretical suitcase. It's coming down. Oh, it's trying to zip it up. Zipped up. Thank you so much. I'm moving

into your house. Yay. And he says, after Tom refinances, it's a huge loan though, you know? Because it's like 10% right now. He goes, yeah, that's like a $20,000 house payment. He goes, 22. You fucking moron. Really? That's not 22 per month.

Is that what they're saying? They're saying it's $22,000 a month. With refinancing the house on what it already is, plus the interest rate being 10%, which it was, I guess, around that time, they're gonna be paying $22,000 a month to keep that fucking basic ass farmhouse in the valley. Come on.

That is wild. That means that each of them is gonna be paying $11,000 a month. That is wild. That's crazy. They cannot, that's no. No. So he's like, what did you hate me if I moved in there? She says no. And he goes, well, that's the complete opposite reaction. I thought you, I thought you struck me down

with a great vengeance. Wrong, wronged woman vengeance. I'm a hero, because I was wronged. And she's like, yeah, well, once I'm out, someone's gonna have to pay that mortgage, so have fun with that. I love that she thinks, I love that he thinks she's being so kind to him when she's like, have fun wasting the last of your money

that you're not gonna be really making for that much longer, let's be honest, on Tom's dream farmhouse. Loser. Exactly. So, Sandoval and Kyle Chan show up, and Sam was like, oh man, like great party. Like, hey, what's going on? Oh my God, hey, if I ever talk to your mom again,

I'll tell her you say hi. Raquel, did you see that? Did you see that Raquel? Somewhere out there. I'm releasing a very special podcast about the latest episode of Vanderpump Bulls where Tom Sandoval said, if I ever see your mom again, I'll say hi to her for you. The reason that that affected me so deeply is

because I'm just a girl, a girl who needed mental health help and was manipulated into crying. Come on, gotta cry at this part, Raquel. You gotta cry, Rachel. But I didn't know what I was doing because Manipulation Vanderpump Come on, we needump, lawsuit, lawsuit. A very special episode of this one comment on the show. So Sheena's like, our baby has a bedtime and I want to put her down, Brock.

And Brock's like, oh, we could just die and have some fun, Sheena. And he's like, yeah, and she's like, well, but like, no, I like wanna like go and like have like we had fun. And like I said, I would like to and like, you know, would you like some pizza? And he's like, no. And I was like, what's wrong? Sheesh.

Like it's bedtime. It's like my kids got like a bedtime and everything. It's like, that's not my problem. My problem is that you will let the nanny put the kid down. No, I don't. It's not that I won't let us. I want to. I want to read her. It's like I want to. I want to read her books about Halloween.

I want to read Halloween books, okay? I want to read Halloween books. And if I don't, these are memories I want to have, right? I'm gonna be there at night for my kid. So she starts crying. So Ariana's like, I'm gonna go talk to Sheena because she's crying.

And then Sandoval just pops up. He's like, you guys come here often? She's like, nevermind. So now Sheena and Kyle are talking to Sandoval, and Sheena's like, I'm gonna wait for San Francisco. I'm doing two songs, right Kyle? I'm gonna do them both, right? So I'm gonna come tomorrow, with the band,

with the band, they're my band, song. And Kyle's like, yeah, we can go over everything because it's going to be bros before hoes. Am I right? Up high fellow. Up high dog. Dog. Who let the dogs out woof woof woof. Have you heard my song?

And he's like, yeah, I heard it. You know, look, it's been a lot Sheena from you specifically It's been a lot just um, okay Well, I understand but like I was coming at that from like what you what you two did to Ariana Like it fucked me up in more ways than one Okay, like the friendship the restraining order and yeah, did I want you to like did what did what do you want to call it? Like a capitalize on it then sure. Yeah Yeah, you were like a hundred times more reactive than Ariana was yeah well you

know why cuz all you had to do at the reunion was keep your mouth shut and like yeah no what all and all you had to do was like not do that yeah cuz she's like she's like I love when sheena gets like the mob all you had to do is keep your goddamn mouth shut about me hitting that coil and you didn't do it. So now you're going to pay. You're going to pay with bad music that I put out with my sound factory, the 27th, we're going to be writing songs about you for years. I hope you regret that decision you made, buddy.

Yeah. And then we see a clip of Tom at the reunion being like, Oh, she just goes like, I just punched that bitch in the face and threw the phone in the street, man. And Seema literally going, keep your fucking mouth shut, doll. So, Sandoval's like, I need you to understand something. You were not involved in this. You didn't get cheated on.

She didn't fuck Brock, you know what I mean? And she's like, yeah, but she filed a fucking restraining order against me. Yeah, and the girls are talking while I was like, so many male voices being raised tonight. Yeah, a lot of sandal balls are yelling. And I was like, yeah, it's like really making me uncomfortable.

And Sandal ball's like, it's like, dude, why are you acting like the biggest victim in the whole scenario? I love that Sandal ball who's been acting like the biggest victim is now accusing someone else of being the biggest victim. This is my storyline. I'm the one who gets to cry. What's going on over here?

Well, I'm trying to say to Shina, like what you've done is like, it's like if I stepped on Kyle's shoe and then he burned my house down. Kyle's like, oh my God, thank you so much for making me part of this argument. In a theoretical sense. I was like, I want a toy man on this. You wrote a song about Schwarz's mom and fucking Raquel on the song. And Sam was like, that's ridiculous. Like not even remotely close.

You guys are like acting entitled to talk about events in my life, bro. And he's like, we don't care about that because you inserted yourself into this situation. No, you literally inserted yourself and created this situation. You created this situation. And that affected the entire group. And then you're acting like no one else is allowed to have any sort of emotional response.

Yeah, and she's like, it's called friendship, okay? Do you know now I have fucked up thoughts that Brock's gonna fuck Lala because I'm like, oh my God, if Tom can do that, then maybe Brock can do that too. James is like, oh my god I think I I think that way too is why I can't leave hippie to go to Ohio Don't make me do it Why if hippie meets a new owner and likes that one more than me? I can't I can't do it. Invasive thoughts. Hey, Pee Pee Elliot

So how you like them now? So, uh- And she was like, you did that. Now I would like to go home and put my kid down. And then Sandoval, who just can't quit while he's just a little bit behind ever, is like, dude, you've been the other woman in a relationship. Fuck you, Tom.

And Lala's like, oh hell, sks, no sks. And she was like, when I was 20 years old in 2006, are you fucking kidding me? And then, um, then what I Brock, I have to say, I, I love how Brock sort of then just like steps in and Brock like puts his hand sort of on Sandoval's shoulder neck area. It's not like, it's not like an attack, but it's kind of like a, I am stronger than you, and my hand is close to your neck, and you just fucking insulted my wife, and you better change your attitude real quick. I thought it was-

It's like that video where the lady is trying to take a family picture of all of her pets, and the cat won't do it, and so the dog goes over and grabs the cat by the back of the neck and drags it over and sits it down and makes it take the picture. I haven't seen that but that's funny. Or the moment the cat's really drunk and trying to start a fight with another cat and the golden retriever comes and grabs the cat and drags it back. Have you seen that one? I love the golden retrievers always stepping in to help the cat.

I think the cat video I saw recently was one cat was like trying to start up I would would like have the pot was hard to do that and the other cat like give it one solid pop and then started licking the other cat's forehead and then the other cat settled down and they were cute together. Where was Brock in the situation man? This is a Brock the golden retriever segment. It was not a Brock. I need this. I need a visual of Brock in a budgie smuggler as a golden retriever. Come on, Ben. Well, Brock, either way, he basically intervenes in a nonviolent way, but still asserted his strength

and is like, she was in her 20s, bro, you're fucking 40. Who cares? Yeah, cause of course, just to say the ball, that's exactly the same thing, right? So Lala's like, that's why I call him Sainsk. Yeah, so Sheena storms out. She's like, she's crying, Ariana's hugging her and James is like, you're bringing up

the bullshit past again, Tom. He's like, yeah, well they're bringing up the past. Like bring up a woman from six months ago. Isn't that the past? Aren't we trying to move on from that, man? Boo. What a piece of shit. My God.

It's like five minutes ago. That's the past. It's just amazing how he just like, he just, it's like he's stepping on rake after rake after rake and they're just like flopping him right in the head. It's like he just doesn't even realize. Just get off that lawn. They're all like that though. Jax is the same way.

I mean, like we see where he, it's like he was born from Jax and now those two are still all over the place hanging out together. Like they're, they're conceived again, you know? They're all like that. Like Jax comes back on, like Lisa, geez, it's all your fault. You totally ignored us for three years.

Oh, okay. It's all her fault. All that shit happened with you, Jax. Okay, if I said something wrong, I'm sorry. But I'm the real victim here. This is the guys. It's how they're bred on this show. Hi, speaking of, anyone got any?

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