Watch What Crappens - #2404 The Valley,Part 1: The Bald and the Dutiful

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

*This is part 1 of a two-part recap!*Jax finds a way to profit off his baldness this week on The Valley, while still finding a way to make an already fraught situation even hairier. Don’t worry, though. Kristen is here to prove her dutifulness by not telling anyone’s deepest darkest secrets. Don’t make her do it guys! Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Winter Is Crappening ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Hi, I'm Misha Brown and I'm the host of Wondry's podcast, The Big Flop. Each episode, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Follow The Big Flop wherever you get your podcasts. Well, hello and welcome to What's What Crappens, the podcast for all the crap we love to talk about on Yule Brawfs. Hi everybody, I'm Rondal and that's Benoons over there.

Hello, Ben, how are you? Hi. Hi, Ronnie, how are you? Good. How's it going? I didn't have a morning with do a fulcan leap, lupa in my life, but you did do a lupa. Sorry.

I'm confused if I take that slowly. You do. Do a lupa. Do a loopy. Do a lupa. I did a loop. I did a lupa. Oh my God.

Like, you know, I didn't even have breakfast yet and I was already encountering Dua Lipa. I was very excited. I got, I was welcomed back to the Elvis Duran show on our heart radio. And I was really excited because the guest who was on right before me was Dua Lipa. In fact, I literally took over her chair.

They, and she was in, it's funny, I almost said she was in my green room as if it's mine. It's just like the green room that I was using last time. They're like, I was sorry, you can't do a leap is in your green room right now. So, um, I was like, oh my God, I'm so famous now famous by, by proximity. Like, I didn't talk to her. I didn't get- How warm did her butt keep the chair

that you got to sit in? Like, was it like a little bony butt warmth or was it like full on like, I'm a good person. Cause I feel like good people have warm butts. Like when I used to sit down after people on the subway, like nice people would always leave a nice warm thing. And then people who looked evil or like mean or like they would rob me always had a cold chair left.

You know what? It felt nice. It felt like a nice comforting chair. And so I have to feel like Dua Lipa left a little bit of her star power in that seat. Like I felt like she felt like she was a little charisma. That was cute. Yeah. I felt like I was levitating.

She's so cute in person. I didn't get to talk to her. I didn't get to take a photo with her. I posted actually a very obnoxious story on our Instagram. I posted a story where I go, guess who's opening up for me? It's Dua Lipa. And I thought I was being so funny in that moment. And then when I watched it back after I left the offices, I was like, I am a monster. Like I was so obnoxious. I was trying to be funny. I thought it'd be funny. I saw one that you left that said, Oh my God, Dua Lipa is talking about crap ins. And she's like, you know, the whole point is to inspire and to lift up. She was, she was talking about crap ins. The question was, can you tell us about your favorite podcast, watch our crap ins? And she goes, it's just so inspiring and beautiful. Um, Dua Lipa is actually part of the extended Bravo world because remember she was dating at one point, the odd to other one.

That's right. Remember? Yeah. Yeah. Um, but anyway, it was, it was cool. She was like, she was so close. I didn't get to talk to her and I was separated by a pane of glass, but I was like, you'd like me to be like, Oh my God, I can't wait to see how, you know,

warm your butt left the chair. Was that awkward? Oh, hey. Um, I haven't had a bagel yet today. God, I love bagels. It's almost bagel Thursday. Do you celebrate bagel Thursday? What do you think about it? I turned into Tom Schwartz. Yeah, but you didn't do it. I mean, I wish I was there to be your cheer mom and be like, be aggressive. Be aggressive. Run through, knock down the window. Be like, do it, do it. Me, singa, singa. I want to talk to you. I know. I was in a different room. I was with Andrew and Diamond from the show. So we were watching from another room. So I think it would have just been looked really strange

because she had so many people there. So it would have been really weird if I busted out of the room and just like tackled her in front of the Snickers bars. But she looked really cute. And I don't see I was like a little starstruck only when they said, Oh, Ben, you'll be sitting here. And, and Danielle from the show said the last person to sit there was Dua Lipa. And I was like, she's right. Dua Lipa was just sitting here and now I'm sitting here. Huge times.

I am like, go with the right guys. And then when I walked out the building, they were like paparazzi there. And I wanted to be like, Dua Lipa's in there. I mean, they knew, but I wanted to be like, I saw her. But then I was like, get a grip in, get a grip. It's not Dua Lipa's chair. Anybody want my picture? They don't want to take a picture of my butt.

It has some Dua Lipa on it. And then actually what was also fun is they have a signature wall. And they're like, oh, sign the wall. And I was going to put my signature next to Rita Aura's name. And then they're like, Oh, there's Melissa Gorgas name. So I put my name next to Melissa Gorgas. Wow.

That was an odd choice that you made. Well, I really, I would have preferred to align myself with Rita Aura or really anyone else other than Melissa Gorga. But I was like, I, as much as I want to, I have to know my lane and my lane is Bravo. I have to stick with the Bravo. Oh my God, your lane is your lane. Ask your butt what it's lane is. It's lane is Dua Lipa's chair. I wish you could follow your ass, follow the advice of your ass.

Cause my butt's lane is Dua Lipa's chair. Yeah, come on. All right, everybody. Well, for Ben's autograph, sign up at Patreon. That's also where you will get this video of this recap that we're about to do and also all of our video recaps cause we videotape all of them. We videotape them specifically on tape.

Okay, these are all beta packs. Yeah. And they go up on YouTube. So Patreon is for fresh ones. If you want them a week later, we've got literally hundreds of videos up there. So if you want them a week later, they're free. Go just join us at youtube.com.

But if you want paid stuff and you're like fancy like that, bonus episodes, Vanderpump Villa, all of that videos is at Patreon. Also, we are doing live shows in May, which is next week, next Friday. We're in Los Angeles, so excited to come back. LA, I've missed you. And no one has pooped on my sidewalk in Texas,

I have to say. So I really missed you guys and I can't wait to be back there. That's next Friday night at 9.30 PM. Get tickets at watchwhatcrappens.com. Also get tickets for our European jaunt, London, Dublin, Birmingham, end of May, Taylor Swift. We're not gonna be in that one, but we're gonna be seeing you in Stockholm.

So join us, guys. Word on the street though is that my butt will sit in the same chair as Taylor Swift, so we're really excited about that too. It's just really, my butt's on its own lane now. By the way, I do want to sincerely say- I can't wait to really marinate in that privileged white girl anger

that she specializes in. So, cause I was listening to her album the other day and it's very like- The torture poet. These silent bitches reminded me in high school. Fuck you bitches. I was like, oh my God, Taylor's really having a like, fuck you moment and it's so tame and just like,

yeah, she's a tortured poet. London, bye, bye London, bye now, I'm leaving London. She's like, it's a very sigh of an album, but I don't know in a bad way, but it's very like, hmm, like, hmm, it's like, how are you doing today? Hmm, good. It's that kind of an album, you know? Do you think that she had any of the tracks produced by the 27s?

Yeah, she's like, I really liked it. Not like she's like, I really liked him out London song. She's like, Bye London, let's have a good time. L-O-N-D-O-N, let's have a London time. Yeah, that's, we have, we're going to have a lot of fun there on that tour. I hope people come join us. And by the way, very sincerely, thank you to the Elvis Durant show for having me on.

It was super fun and we'll post it on our social media when I think, I think, I think it's going to be Thursday or Friday that, that that's going to go up. So thanks everyone for exciting times. That's great. Glad you got to do it and you're in New York. I'm so gel. I know.

I'm really excited. We should talk about a bunch of people I'm not jealous of and those are people on the Valley. This show. Oh my God. I was cracking up. What an episode. How hilarious. Wow. So good. Such a good episode. I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled that we're, you know, people are saying like, oh my God, this is the first time since the Obama era that the housewives haven't been on. But I'm

like, you know what though? The non-housewives shows have been pulling their weight hardcore The non-Housewives shows have been pulling their weight hardcore at this time. Vanderpump Rules, I think it's so good right now. I know people are bored with it. I was like, I get it. But I'm like, I think Vanderpump Rules is so good right now. I think The Valley is so good. Summer House, oh my God. It's just, Bravo's just doing it for me right now.

That's good. As it should. Yeah, it definitely should. Yeah, it's just, Brava's just doing it for me right now. That's good. As it should. Yeah, it definitely should. Yeah, it's been, it's been pretty enjoyable. And I think it's good to make us miss the housewives, you know? Yeah. So, by the way, called it, love to say called it, Luke.

This guy's terrifying. Why, why am I the only person terrified of Ginger Luke? I feel like that guy is a building bomber. I feel like that guy is someone who like doesn't just joke about calling in bombs. That guy bombs buildings. OK, Luke, Luke is the dinosaur that spits on Newman in Jurassic Park, as in like, he's dangerous. He'll kill you.

You shouldn't like him. But we really seem to focus more on the velociraptors than the Tyrannosaurus rex. And no matter how many times you see the movie, you're like, it's not threatening, like that scene. You're like, it's kinda cute. And it's cute, every time, you're like, it's cute. And if this time Newman just gets back in the car,

you know, you're like, that's all he has to do, really. And you just think that he can make a different choice this time, and it's just, it's terrifying every time, but kind of in a cute way. I mean, you're right. And I love that this dope in Los Angeles lamenting that he can't fish. I mean, babe, look to your left. You know what I mean? I mean, depending on which way you're facing.

You're in the valley, so I mean, you're going to see a mountain. But in general, look to your left. I mean, there's an ocean. There's, but in general, look to your left. I mean, there's an ocean. There's a literal ocean. It's a big one. It's a pretty big... It was one of the major ones, I have to say. I have to say, of all of the... It's definitely a top four ocean at the very least. Come on. Is it kelpie? Yes. Is it too cold for my taste? Sure is. But it's an ocean and there's fish that live in there. And there's people that I assume take fishing poles over there. And I don't want to hear how far away it is because you live in the fucking valley.

It's like literally everybody's complained about your neighborhood. to me that like someone who loves fishing so much and being around lakes in Colorado just like wound up in a show about a concrete wasteland. You know, it's like, it's like, this is your fault, sir. Don't, don't get mad at Kristen that you moved to a land of where the river is made of cement. He went to a wedding and found someone to fuck him behind a tent. Do you think that's ever happened to Luke in his life? No, no, it hasn't. I'm just going to go ahead and say no.

And so he's going to follow wherever that crazy twitchy lady leads him. He doesn't care. It'll be to his demise and we all know it. We all know the danger here. We all know the ending of this movie and this poor guy. I'm not even going to say this poor guy because he's terrifying as well. But yeah, we all know where this is going and it's not great.

You know, it starts with a fuck behind a tent and it ends with, I don't know, you shit out on a lawn somewhere. Alex, like on your block, just kind of opens your window. Cause you know that one's a stalker too, I feel like. I was gonna say it just ends with arms crossed and frustrated waiting for your table at islands in Burbank.

Exactly. So it's, when do we need a reservation? You're a long way from the fishing hole. You're a long way from Lake steamboat. Okay. So Luke's like, I'm glad you didn't have COVID yesterday. I was worried you were so sick. And she's like, I mean, I didn't really feel well. I'm like, you know, that could have been morning sickness. And I was like, I mean, it's like literally impossible.

Literally impossible to have morning sickness right now. It was literally impossible because it was 1pm. So like the window for morning sickness was over. It would have been afternoon sickness. It was literally impossible. And he's like, so how are you feeling about the cycle? Do you think we got it done? And speaking of which, do you want to go cycling? I wish it was Colorado. And then she's like, I don't know. He's like, you don't know. She's like, I just, I don't have the feeling in my soul that it happened, but yeah, I don't know. Shoulder, strong. I don't have that feeling in my soul. Okay, well, here's the thing, I can pretty,

I'm surprised that they're kind of hinting at this, Kristen is having trouble getting pregnant storyline, or maybe it's like a real life thing, I don't know, it's TV, so I don't believe it. But they're hinting at this, Kristen is having trouble, here's why I don't believe it. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I am someone who studies humans, especially in food courts. And you've seen diagnosis murder.

Yes, and I study humans, especially in food courts. And here's what I've noticed. Trashy crazy people are like clown cars for babies. Babies just start sporting out of them at rapid pace at any given moment. She'll be fine. Let me tell you something. I think also what's funny about this show is implying when she says, I don't have that feeling in my soul that it happened is implying that anyone on this show actually has a soul. I don't think, I don't, I think you have to have a soul to feel it in your soul.

Well, I didn't feel like I had to keep a secret for anything. For sure. I'm gonna keep your secret. Don't you worry, fetus. Pete Slauson I'm still just laughing in the clown car. I'm just imagining the clown car of babies from crazy people, just babies popping out next to the hot dog on a stick. Pete Slauson They do! I mean, There's been a lot of friends of mine, because I'm old, let's face it, but friends of mine who are trying to get pregnant and stuff, there's a lot of, I'm dealing with it in my own storyline,

my own extended storyline, my extended circle storyline, a lot over the years, like people having trouble getting pregnant and all this stuff. And so I've had a lot of conversations about it and so many of them have taken place at food courts and you can't help but look around and be like, why is this angel having trouble? And meanwhile, that one's got like five corndogs sticking out of their nose and they're just popping them out like clockwork, you know? Pete Slauson And the babies are the corndogs.

Pete Slauson Like gave birth to a baby. I gave birth to a corn dog again. In some cases, it would be better off. That's for sure. Listen, if babies were corn dogs, I might change my stance. I mean, I wouldn't want to eat babies. But if babies were corn dogs, I would be like a star enemy of Q and on. I'd be like, baby buffet.

Let's all go eat. Let's all go eat the babies. Oh, he mean Grove, Hillary Clinton, get over here with some baby corn dog. They're like, it's code word for babies that they're eating. No, it's literal baby. We're eating corn dog babies. That's how they're making them now. Okay.

We'd be like, start a Q and on rumor and just say, babies are corn dogs. Just get that out there. Follow the breadcrumbs. It's literally the crumbs that fell off the research. Okay. So, um, we're already off the rails. We've gotten through two lines of this. Listen, so there's already like the fact we started in a Dua Lipa place and now we're in babies are corn dogs. It and now we're in Babies Are Corn Dogs. It's just what's going to happen today. So, uh, Kristen, well, the thing is this, this episode of The Valley starts off, you know, like we, the tone is set because in this scene, I forget where it happens, but Kristen does the most Kristen shoulder thing ever. We've been

talking for years about like one thing that Kristen does is she lifts her shoulder up and she's like She lifts it up and forward when she wants to make a point like whatever she steps Her head literally hit my head with my shoulder talking about Kristen on this show Yeah, and then like last night. She just did a full blatant one for no reason. She goes, okay She just so funny for no reason. She goes, okay. She just so funny. She is so funny to me. Oh, she's great.

I died watching that. I was cracking up that you posted that. I was laughing so hard and I just kept watching it on a loop, you know, cause that took Chris against you. You remember we used to call her that, uh, that thing outside the car wash. So what are those crazy blow up things? And then they did it on the show. That was like the best thing that ever happened to me when they actually, when she did it on the show, like she imitated it. I was like, my life,

this is like officially made my life worth living, you know? Yeah, it's true. I don't know that that was definitely, I'm not arrogant enough to say that was like a nod to us or anything, but it definitely felt like the universe nodding to us. And I was like, you know what? This world is worth it. Because sometimes you're like, what kind of world is this? You know, you watch the news, but that's the kind of world it is. It's a beautiful one. A beautiful, beautiful world.

So, they're talking about having babies. Oh, God, it's a terrible world again. Isn't that crazy how quick my mind is changing? They're talking about splurting some out and they're making the joke like, we better practice more. The dogs are like, please don't. And if you do, don't do it on the couch while we're trying to take a nap. Please. Please, for the sake of Jill, just do it. Just be more discreet. Jill can't take it anymore. Jill's got nervous diarrhea over there in the corner again. You guys talking about voting in front of her. Leave Jill alone.

So Kristen's like, seeing a negative pregnancy test sucks because I'm hoping, I'm praying and wishing for the best. And then in the back of my mind, I'm also thinking, is this going to be a forever negative pregnancy test forever negative? I mean, it sucks. That's definitely like the tough part about trying to make a baby. I was like, I feel like I could make it. I was like, I feel like there's like a joke in here about trying to make it as an actor in Hollywood forever negative. Did you get the audition? Negative. trying to make it as an actor in Hollywood forever negative. Did you get the audition? Negative. Forever negative.

Yeah, that's my LinkedIn profile or like the place I'll start shopping because I missed my chance at Forever 21, you know? It's like forever negative. It's like here I am in Heather Grey, just forever. By the way, I have to say, I'm really excited to recap Summer House this week. And I think you know why. I was like, there was a scene in there that I was like, I feel like Ronnie has been, we've been doing this podcast for 12 years and 12 years of podcasting has led to this moment for Ronnie.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Paige being on my side for like once in 90 years. That's been nice. That's been validating. No, I can't say it. It's embargoed, but I'm excited for it. I'm just letting everyone know there's something very exciting.

And when you see it, you're all gonna see it. And everyone, when you watch, just like see if you can guess what it is. Oh my gosh, I can't even guess what it is. I can't wait. Now I'm so excited to talk about it. Okay, coming back to it, this, the Vanderpump rules recaps, Jack's you next Tuesday.

That doesn't even make sense. Why did I name them that? Why didn't anybody say Ronnie, why'd you do that? Jack's you next Tuesday is what I said. Jack's you next Tuesday. What, why would I do that? People are probably trying to play. It made no sense. What would have been a better title for Vandermoord rules this week? Let's see. They were talking about leaving hippie.

I was trying to insinuate the C word because I was, I don't know. That's what I was like, Oh, I'll put him in the C word thing, but it doesn't make sense because it's just junk. Like it makes no sense. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappins commercial. Fifty high school senior girls descend on Mobile, Alabama every summer to compete for

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And how does surviving the competition prepare them for everything that comes after? Follow the competition on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of the competition early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry+. I love a good parasocial relationship with a celebrity who will probably never know my name. I mean, honestly, who knows? Don't count yourself out. But my favorite part about these feuds

is how they're ignited by the tiniest things. Jada, I love you. GI Jane 2, can't wait to see you. I accidentally laminated my brows too much. It starts small, and then it gets so big. Hey, honest Naomi, I'm fearful of you to this day. I don't know her. We all just have to admit, we're addicted.

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Okay, so they're going to practice bone-in, and then she finds out that he's been eating the prenatals, which I don't even think he was trying to be funny. I think it's just... I don't even think he was trying to be funny. I think it's just when you're dating someone that Kristin thinks is crazy. I think Kristin finally found a good match. Listen, when you are shocking Kristin by the things that you're eating, and this is the woman who ate a flower from a roadside median, then I think, you know, you're really doing something strange. Even she's surprised. It's so full circle that she ate a flower from the median

and that trip, everybody turned against her because she was like a raging drunk. And then last week, Jill ate a flower and then now everybody hates Jill. I don't know if everybody hates Jill, but I just assume they do. You're right. Everyone hates Jill. I don't know if everybody hates Jill, but I just assume they do. You're right. Everyone hates Jill. I love that this week everyone in the cast like, fuck that dog, Jill. Just America in general. America's turn. The internet has turned on Jill,

the dog. Stupid diarrhea. Jill the dog. The least charismatic dog. Well, no, Milo is the worst, but Jill is, Jill's number two. So, stop trying to trigger me about Milo. I love that dog. I think about it when I close my eyes. Oh, it's Milo running through a field, messing with toilet paper. So Kristen's describing the, um, trying to get pregnant process. She goes, we did a thing and then he did a thing and now give me a thing. And then it's like, whomp, whomp, whomp, think, think, think, know what I'm saying. So he's like, yeah, well, I really want to talk about premarital counseling stuff because you know,

that's like really important for people to talk about. Like we need to really talk about that being right. And also like, I don't feel like this is my house. It's more your house. Like I really miss fishing. Like I need fish. I need to fish all the time. Like where's my tools? Yeah. Um, again, did you just figure out that moving to Los Angeles meant there would be no fishing holes? Like, did you just realize there's no, you know, tranquil river that's, you know, going down sunset Boulevard? They can get your waiters into and a fly Fisher hook.

Listen, this city, that city has plenty of ways to waste your life away while really achieving nothing, but feeling like you're at least making an effort. It's called commercial auditions. Get an agent, you fucking loser. Pick an improv class. Like, what do you want from me? Yeah, seriously. So he's like, you know, I can't shoot my bow. I want to have space that feels like my space for some reason. You're not going to,

you can't shoot your bow. What are you. What are you trying to shoot your bow for? I'm not kidding. What are you trying to get? In one of those movies about hunting people? You know how they came out with all those movies about rich people hunting poorer people? Yeah. What do you get?

You wanna hunt a deer? Come on, aspire better. I better shoot your wad better, okay? Let's start with shooting your actual sperm better. Shoot your w aspire better. It's about as hard. How about shoot your wad better, okay? Let's start with shooting your actual sperm better. Shoot your wad better. Maybe we'll get you a bow. What are you, Gina Davis? Relax with the archery, okay?

Yeah, and then Kristen explains, she's like, yeah, he really needs it, but like, I can't live in Colorado, fuck Colorado, okay? Because like Colorado, like, he just got electricity. Like, they have to bring their water in. I mean, I'm sorry, I can't get to our next share. Nef said, I rest my case, Judge Christen. And he's like, it's just honestly weird for me to live anywhere. I don't have a fishing pole. It is my happy place. I don't think about anything but trying to catch

fish. Again, sir, I don't know how many times I have to ask this. If you think of nothing but catching fish, why did you leave your Bass Pro Shop, you know, backyard fantasy? Why are you here? My happy place is a Big Mac. I don't live in a McDonald's. I drive there when I need to. Okay, get a fucking pole and drive to the ocean. You wuss. I'm going to hear it from him. Yeah. So then he's like, yeah, how can we figure out more of my life here? You're not going to. You married a reality star that you banged in back of a tent, okay? This is not about you.

And the sooner you realize that, the better, okay? So you're lucky that she's even letting you on her podcast, because frankly, that would never happen in a million years to anybody else. This is worse than nepotism. This is like doubt-ism. Okay? You weren't even born to anybody famous. You're just fucking a crazy person. And now look, you're on television and people are actually listening to you. It's weird. Stop your complaining. And you're not even starting up a cycle of nepotism. Okay? Why don't you just focus less about the fish and focus on at least having future

nepotism. Yeah, focus on future nepotism. Loser. Get into the city's vibe. The city doesn't get into your vibe. Get into the city's vibe. How about this? Go to that bar on Magnolia and eat some goldfish and that'll be close enough.

So now we see Jasmine and Jack's going just out. I'm like not, we're like that let them have his hobby. I'm like, here's what you do. Have a hobby, but like get a map. Like you live by an ocean. I mean, I can't say that. I'm just repeating myself as usual. Honestly, like literally take it.

There's got a big bear lake, get in your car, drive up to a lake, go somewhere, do some vacations Get some tickets. You know, you can get a house out there. I have friends, you know lesbians always know how to find a deal I fucking love less I'm like, I don't even know I wouldn't even be the person I am with my great aunt Josie like making me paint all those bowling ball racks when I was 13 and got kicked out of the house But in general, I just love lesbian so much

They teach me talk about an Talk about an appetism. And they told me years ago, and this was, I think we'd been doing the podcast like four years, they're like, are you saving money? I'm like, fuck yeah, I've saved up every waiting tables, dollar, and which of course wasn't much, you know, you can't save much in LA. But I was saving it. And they're like, you should get a down payment and buy a house out here where we're buying it. It's like Green Valley River or something, Green Valley Lake or Green Lake something. It's right by Big Bear. They're like, a house is $200,000. I was like, that's stupid. I'm not paying for a house all the way out there. Those houses are like a million dollars now. And they have this private little lesbian

thing that they do. They're like, blah, we're going to our home. They're so fancy. I should have listened. It's like not the first time I've said this either. I should have listened to the lesbians, you know? Lesbians are always right, I have to say. Always right, so annoying. The lesbians have it so figured out, and I feel like people always make fun of lesbians, like, oh, they're boring, or oh, look at them,

like, dressed in plaid. The truth is, the lesbians have it all figured out, and they have the best time. And it's just, it's great. Always listen to them. Always listen to your lesbian friends. You know, the gay guys act like they're like the paragons of, you know, taste and culture.

You've got these lesbians out there. They know all the best restaurants. They have all the best neighborhoods that they bought first. I mean, they're trendsetters. I'm gonna be a lesbian. If people can identify as whatever they want, I'm gonna be a lesbian from now on because I deserve it. I deserve this. That's gonna be my midlife crisis. I'm a lesbian now. God damn it. I deserve it.

Yeah, I want to be part of the, I want to be part of Brandi Carlile's circle where everyone sits around and listens to Joni Mitchell and... Yeah, I'm sick of thinking, I'm sick of pretending Taylor Swift is okay. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of it. I'm sick of being part of these discussions about it. I'm sick of reading about it on Twitter. I'm going to the lesbian side. That's it. Yeah.

So, um, anyway, so speaking of Jasmine, well, she's not a lesbian, but she is, I think she's fluid. Correct. So, uh, so Jasmine and, I think she's fluid. Correct? So, uh, so Jasmine and Jax go to stout, um, and, uh, Jax pulls up in his golf cart. So I'm already mad because it's like, I know where this stout is. I've been to the stout several times.

Jax drove that car probably down like Laurel Park Laurel Canyon Boulevard or like Vineland or something like that the point is he drove a golf cart down a Boulevard where vehicles are expected to go above 25 miles per hour so he held up traffic so wait they were at this Hollywood stout no they were at the one on Ventura Boulevard oh yeah I've never been to that one. The one that's across from Michaels. I was- Let me orient you.

Okay, there's a Michaels. Let me orient you via Michaels. There's a Michaels and then Michaels, that's on Ventura Boulevard in Studio City. Across the street is Stout. Oh, okay. Ventura Boulevard is fun. Yeah, I figured if I just, if I just,

if I just, if I just, if I grounded you with a reference to Michael's, that would make it all make sense. That's right. Pier 1 also works for me. And the best bookstore, which is a little further down the street, but that's like when you're in no man's land.

So yeah, so they go to, here's the thing. I think you're correct. And golf cart culture is a Charleston thing, cause you're just driving down the street, you know what I mean? It's a beach town. You're living in the valley, you can't just drive golf carts.

How is that legal? There was a freeway later in the episode. Brittany thought, you better let me talk about your restaurant. And I was like, yeah, there's cars going 70 miles an hour next to you. How is this legal? Golf carts are for planned communities and literal golf courses. And like,

Tui historic cities like Charleston, they're not meant for suburban sprawl, specifically the suburban sprawl of Valley Village and Studio City. Like, if I catch you in a golf cart, holding me up while I'm racing for my light at Riverside and like to hunger, I'm going to be pissed. I'm going to be real pissed, especially with Jax who's driving it. Yeah, gross. He's gross. I'm looking at Jax cheating on Brittany. That's what I'm carrying on. I was like, oh, this is a good time to look up. Yeah, this is a good time to look down. So anyway, he shows up. Jasmine's getting like a scene. It's always exciting when they get

Jasmine a scene. So they order drinks. And it's funny. I think the last time I went there, I saw the guy from This Is Us sitting right where Jack's was sitting. So I'm only saying what was the name of the guy the guy? Chris shells X Justin Hartley. Hmm. I'm only saying this to elevate I'm just trying to elevate myself to be like jacks the butt energy that Jack's gets is from Justin Hartley and mine is Dua Lipa. So I just want to show I want to elevate my place in life. Congrats. You got the guy who dumped Chris shell on your butt. Yeah, I've got to hardly cares.

Nobody cares. So, um, Jasmine's like, well, I'm glad you came to meet like, what's, what's going on with like the boys night? How was that? I just want to check in, you know, because life is so crazy for you right now. If you want to ask me any questions, that'd be great. And Jax is like, yeah, I mean, there's just like a lot going on. Like, well, you know, like boys night, that was just, it was just like, it was just like

a therapy session to be honest. It like really wasn't a guys night at all. It was just like guys having a night out, but it wasn't really like a guys night. You know what I'm saying? This is so Jax too, to be like, yeah, pretty busy, but made it all the way to Stout. How much time do we have? Okay, I just want to start some shit

and then go back to ignoring you. Okay, so here's the storyline. I need you to move forward. Everybody's cheating on everybody. Please move this forward. Don't say you heard it from me. Definitely not. I'll just deny it.

So, poor thing. She's just being so used. He probably didn't even pay heard it from me. Definitely not. I just denied him. So poor thing. She's just being so used. He probably didn't even pay for a damn hamburger. No, definitely not. So she's like, well, I'm sure Brittany already filled you in on Girls Night and the conversations that were happening. And he's like, Oh God, yeah. So she tells him, he's like, you know, oh, the thing is that like, you know, I've got a big mouth and she's 100% right. I love gossip. I love gossip.

And then we see flashbacks. Seven years ago, Jack's gossiping. Six years ago, Jack's gossiping. Then it goes literally last week and it's bringing me like, well, I can't tell you anything because you know, you you're gonna like gossip. Well, he's also a really fun gossip because he's a compulsive liar. And so you never know if he's just making things up.

Like he's a crazy person. He literally lies about everything. And so one of them was flashback, Kristen saying that Jack's claims to have walked in on her and Brittany going down on each other. Like, was that true? I believe that that one was true. And then a few months, was it a couple of weeks? You know what? Time is dead to me,

basically. But recently, Jax told everybody that Brittany had a stroke. Did you know that? And she was like, I did not have a stroke, Jax. He's like, sorry. Sorry. What does that mean? It's like, you know me, I get carried away sometimes. Yeah, it is just Dykes, you know, just saying the people have strokes and stuff. Yeah, he forgive me, he's a good guy, y'all.

Hurry, hurry, hurry. So Jasmine was saying like, oh, by the way, at girls night, she mentioned like the sexual thing was off and like she just wants to get that spark back, you know, and for you to be more in tune with what's going on. And Jack's like, yeah, yeah, I know she's like really insecure about herself, which is why I'm encouraging her to get more plastic surgery and maybe make her face more frowny and get bigger boobs. But I know she's insecure. Yeah, I'm just trying to get her to put some carry on roller sizes in her chest, you know?

Maybe feel a little bit better about herself. I really want to be able to fit some packing cubes into Brittany's chest next trip we take. Maybe then I'll fuck her. Gross. This guy's such a pimp. So she's like, she just wants to spark back. Well, cocaine.

Also, Brittany doesn't think that Jacks is just not fucking, right? Because he's, you know that Jacks is fucking around because Jacks is letting this narrative go around that his dick isn't working, basically. It's like, I'm not fucking, he's like, yeah, yeah, it's real hard on me, you know, because I've got a lot of stress.

We know that Jacks is using that dick. That is one thing Jacks is always gonna use, is that dick. So if he's letting it get out there on purpose and not even getting defensive that his dick doesn't work, then he's cheating for sure. Yeah. And so Jasmine's doing this whole thing of like, you know, men are so stupid. They're so oblivious. I'm just going to be like the one so I can be like, Hey, Jax, just so you know, like your wife is going to through this. Like we get it. You love him, but like actions speak louder than words. So Jasmine thinks she's going to like talk, talk straight,

like straight shooter with Jax and like help him out. And he was, and so he starts talking about how, you know, we used to be like all over each other. We were like rabbits, you know? And then it's like, then I was like, what about if this rabbit got new boobs, you know? And then we were like rabbits, one of them had new boobs. And then it was just like, we're like freaks about it, you know, but then the baby came, ah. I was like, okay, well, great.

Congrats on setting up your baby for therapy, laying the groundwork for blaming the baby for everything that goes wrong with your relationship. Well, you have a baby in order to fix shit, not to fuck things up. That's what people don't understand. Like, you're supposed to have it to fix things. They don't fix anything.

They should literally come out and shit all over you. I don't know what people think they're getting into, but they need to stop lying to each other and being like, oh my God, you're gonna love motherhood. No, you're not, okay? No, you're not, and stop telling your friends that. It's the worst. Yeah, so she not. Okay. No, you're not. And stop telling your friends that. It's the worst. Yeah. So she's doing and then she goes, Yeah, I mean, you guys

are always home with the baby. I mean, like, use that. Use that Jacks. What does that mean? Use that? Make that hot. Like, yeah, here we are home alone with the baby. Just me and you again. Let's get into some sweatpants kink. What do you mean? That is a thing, but yeah. What, what is, I feel is that like, is that like normal core sweatpants kink or is it just like its own? Like it's I've seen it. I mean, I don't know if it's a hetero porn thing.

I've seen it in gay porn. Like I've come across it, you know, um, no pun intended. But, um, it's like dudes in sweatpants. I don't know, it's like a thing. Well, that's a thing because like, you know, people can see things flopping around and stuff. No, like thick sweatpants. Either way. Thick ones, not like the thin ones, you know?

Like thick sweatpants, it's just a thing. People are into sweatpants, I don't know what it is. It's not like the, you remember the Adam guy from Shaws of Sunset, how he was really into free balling? And like, he likes seeing guys in shorts because he could see their wiener outlines. Like that was his kink. And I'd never heard of that, being a kink.

But yeah, this one is not that. It's actuals thick sweatpants. So you can't really see an outline. Yeah, it's like cheap kind of Kmart quality, you know, the real thick quality. That's such a, that's like a, it's, that's like having a kink. That's like, I want to see someone in a giant parka. I'm like, don't you want to see something in there?

Like, don't you want to see something flopping or moving around or outlined or poking through? It's probably parka kinks. Parka. It's like Urban Legend, the movie Urban Legend. It's like, yeah, I have Urban Legend kink. I want to see someone with a big parka with a furry hood. I want to see someone getting fucked while their kidney's getting stolen in a bathtub. Commercials, here comes one right now. So Jim DeRex is like, yeah, you know, I'm used to saying, like, let's go get out, let's go get drunk and fuck in the bathroom, which is funny because the latest rumor about Jax is that that's where he was fucking his publicist.

By the way, this is all legit. This is stuff I'm reading on Reddit. So don't even bother suing me. Sue Reddit and good luck with that. Yeah. So then Jasmine is like, yeah, just like, you know, send something dirty to her, send a text, whatever. And he's like, yeah, yeah, you're right. I mean, her love language is my mouth between her legs. It's like, oh, that really escalated quickly in this conversation. So she's like, well, there you go, just say that. Be like, hey, I can't wait to come home and put my face between your legs.

So, you know, like do that, get some toys. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's got plenty of those. I mean, there's probably like a lot of, you know, she's probably using this shit out of them a lot. I mean, like the amount of batteries we go through is insane. You just can hear Tom's hand about it like, dude, that's why I always have batteries in all the drawers man. It's like people don't understand how hard that is

Hmm. That's a real man right there stocking batteries in his house So then Jasmine's like don't be hard on yourself. He's like I'm not I'm just I'm just I'm just working so hard I mean There's the this that I'm doing and then there's the that that I'm doing and then there's that whole's like, I'm not, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just working so hard. I mean, there's the this that I'm doing, and then there's the that that I'm doing. And then there's that whole bar thing that I'm doing literally nothing for other people are doing. I'm just attaching my name to, I mean, the stress of it. It is the stress of it that's killing me. And she's like, I just don't want you to end up like Jesse and Michelle.

Am I right? He's like, no, that will never, never, never happen. And by that, I mean, we would never get a divorce without turning it into several us weekly magazine stories. Like they're wasting, they're just wasting all this great content. So he's like, yeah, well, when we went to the carnival, Jesse was like, if my marriage lasts the next few months, I'll be shocked. And she's like, whoa, I didn't know it was that bad. And so, they talk about, oh my God, you know, of course, Jackson, that's the whole reason Jackson invited her here was to spread this around, right? Right. And so, because Kristen didn't want to do it. Kristen's, well, Kristen's claiming she doesn't want to do it. Although we know that Kristen's literally chomping at the bit to do it.

Well, this part, the carnival thing, Jack's, this was gossip that Jack's heard from the source. So this part is like pure Jack's gossip. But then he goes, hey, can this next part stay between us? And she's like, yeah. And he's like, okay, all right. The rumor I was told is she's been texting other men. And then Kristen told me this about Michelle. So now he's doing Kristen's gossip. And by the way, I just want to pause this for a moment to say I was looking on our Instagram this morning and I was walking down the sidewalk,

so I couldn't do some follow-up research on this and I'm hoping, fingers crossed, that you were able to, because someone on our Instagram said, did you hear that it was outed this morning that the director that Michelle was talking to was Rob Reiner? Please tell me, because I was starting to hear rumors of Michael Bay, mainly just Michael Bay,

but if it's Rob Reiner, I don't know, this may be a... I've not heard that, I have to say. I've heard Michael Bay, and I even heard Sliced Alone last week. But Michael Bay seems to be the most popular choice. Hold on, Michelle the Valley. If it's Rob Reiner. Michelle, I don't think she has a last name. I think Jessie Yoo is like,

you're not allowed to have one anymore. Michelle Lally, yeah, Lally. Michelle, I don't think she has a last name. I think Jesse is like, you're not allowed to have one anymore Michelle Lolly. Yeah, Lolly. So I look Michelle Lolly Rob Reiner, let's see. If someone just made this up when Harry met Sally, who is Rob Reiner's wife? Fans believe she was actually married to Meathead. I don't see anything on here. David Lolley, head of Sparks shots. No, I mean, I don't see anything on Google. That doesn't mean anything.

You know, I haven't heard it. It's a terrifying thought. I'm going to say that. I'm gagged. I'm gagged. Like I'm... It I'm I'm gagged. I'm gagged. Like I I'm it's actually terrified. So bizarre. I support it. It's like, I know why I

support it because Jesse is a former model. And to know that she's she would like cheat on Jesse with with Meathead. Well, here's why I don't believe it. Amongst other things. Amongst central premise. Well, listen, it's LA and we've seen crazier dates happen. I mean, LA is like the town of the cast of Monsters, getting the hottest girls in town. Okay? For evidence, please see Harvey Weinstein or et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

So on that level, it doesn't shock me. Although I know that that guy was an absolute predator, but you know what I mean. Just like gross guys, hot girls, we've seen it. But I don't believe it because he is so ultra liberal that like he's like quoted all the time on Twitter. Like he's getting in Twitter fights, or he used to, all the time about liberal causes and stuff like that.

And Michelle's whole storyline is conservative views. So I don't know. I think that that wouldn't work. But you know what? Don't you also kind of feel like Michelle is just sort of, she takes on the political views of who she's stuck with. So like I can see Jesse being like more Republican and conservative and be like,

you can't say anything these days cancel culture. Am I right? And she was like, yeah, cancel culture. But then she's with Rob Reiner and then she's now like, she's like wearing P flag t-shirts and shit. of super t-shirts and shit. So, honestly, my mind cannot wrap itself around the idea of Michelle Lolley and Rob Reiner being an item, but it wants to. I want to see that happen.

And I mean no offense to anybody who gave us that. I just don't, I'm not buying that. So the, so Jasmine, Jasmine's like, oh my God, fucking Kristen. And of course Kristen's gonna open her mouth. I don't wanna be a part of this because Kristen's just gonna be Kristen. And she is literally like a bomb. And you know what you're gonna get when she comes in?

Crazy Kristen. Is it crazy or is it regular Kristen? Like, who is it today? Who are we dealing with today? And he's like, yeah, I know. And he's like, I mean, this is life altering gossip. Just say about somebody's marriage. Yeah. And I just gave you our national TV.

Now we get to watch the rest of the episode with Jasmine and Jax acting so morally superior when they were the ones who just brought this shit up on national TV. So. I just, I love that Jax is like, wow, you know, Kristen, she just has the biggest mouth, Kristen. She has the biggest mouth.

Like you're literally just passing on this gossip on TV to Jasmine. Well, they both do it because then she's like, can you believe what Kristen is doing passing gossip that I'm not going to repeat on national television to you, Janet, that has to do with her marriage that I'm not going to say a thing about, about her possibly cheating with somebody who might be not a ball, but a head of... Be dead.

Be dead. Be dead. Fucking be dead, she's fucking me dead. All I'm saying is that Michelle is keeping it all in the family. You know what I'm saying? When Harry met Sally. She's looking for a few good men. Did Rob Reiner direct a few good men or was that, I don't think he directed that, did he? I don't know, because I looked up Rob Reiner

when Harry Met Sally came up, which is where my when Harry Met Lally joke came from. Thank you everybody. Everybody sit down, seriously. It's a long, long recap still to come. Everybody take a seat. There's a lot, there's a lot to cover. This is a big episode.

Apparently. To us it is. Jesus. To us. This huge, huge stuff. Oh my God. Only two episodes to record and then our weekend begins. I can't wait to get these over with. And then we're like, you know what? Let's talk about fishing poles for 90 minutes straight. I am going to continue looking up to see whether or not he directed a few good men or if that was Ron Howard.

In the meantime, you can take us on to the next scene. Oh, Ron Howard sounds right, actually. Okay, so then she is like, well, look, I know Jack. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me, everyone. Excuse me. The director of A Few Good Men was in fact, Rob Reiner, ha!

He also directed Misery. Good call. Oh, so that's why she likes him. Misery. She's like, thank you for directing a movie about my emotional state. She's like, I love what you had Kathy Bates doing, what I would do emotionally to the gay community if I had Max.

So my goodness, Rob Reiner, thank you so much for directing a movie about what I want Jesse to do next time I am near railroad tracks. Stand by me on the railroad tracks. So let me say this because I don't wanna forgot. I already forgot. Okay, so it's not my nose, but is this the scene when Jasmine's like,

I know Jax and Jax is just taking me to lunch and telling me all this gossip because he wants me to repeat the gossip and I'm not stupid. I'm not gonna just go out and repeat this gossip. And then she goes out and basically does. But I don't know if that's an hour later, but I didn't wanna forget to say it. So I said, yes, Jasmine, Jasmine's too smart for this.

And then she immediately is like, well, I may have heard something that I'm not gonna talk about. Okay, so comic relief phone time with Jax. Okay, so Jax is trying to figure out how to talk to Jason on FaceTime, but Jason can't talk on FaceTime because he has an Android phone. And so Jax is like, oh no, Jason's like,

call me on WhatsApp. And he's like, Brittany won't let me have WhatsApp. I'd fuck around on her. She knows that, everybody knows that. So can't do that. God damn androids. Jax has a major problem with Android phones. I don't think it's a shock.

But it's funny because Jax is kind of the Android phone of humans and I'll leave it there. Is this the point where we should make this a part two recap? Okay, so guys, we're gonna end this part one of the recap. Okay, everybody, thank you so much for being here. We will talk to you on the next episode. Bye now. Watch what crap-ins would like to thank

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