Watch What Crappens - #2411 The Valley Part One: Expiration Dates

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

This week on The Valley (S01E07), Luke reprimands Kristen for bending the truth about Jesse, and Jax and Britney try to rekindle the flame with limited success. Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crappens ad free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Hi, I'm Misha Brown and I'm the host of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop. Each episode, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Follow The Big Flop wherever you get your podcasts. Hello and welcome to Watch For Crappins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about.

I'm Ben Mandlacher and joining me today is the wonderful and hilarious Ronnie Karub. Hi Ronnie, how's it going? I'm great. How are you? I'm great. Thanks. Super excited that we are. Yeah, it's May.

First of all, it's going to be May. It is May. Um, we have our big show at the Netflix is a joke comedy festival happening tomorrow night, uh, May 3rd in Hollywood at the Ovation complex at the Cucubara lounge. It's going to be at 9 30 PM. We are recapping house hunters. Uh, we're going to do the nudist house hunters that ha that aired last week, uh, which is, um, it's just on YouTube TV right now, cause it's like a brand new, fresh episode. Ronnie, do you remember what it's called? The episode's called by any chance.

I can look it up. It's called nudist newcomers in Florida or something like that. If you put nudist Florida, it'll show up there on YouTube. House hunters. So, um, we are house hunters gone wild. It's our first foray into how Santa's gone. Why? Yeah, it's, um, it's going to be, I am very intrigued to see how this is going to work out. So, uh, we will be recapping that to be a lot of fun.

We love doing house hunters and it's, we feel like this will be a great opportunity because I feel like everyone in LA is fairly obsessed with houses. So, you know, plus also with the house hunter episodes that take place in Florida are always hilarious. So we'll be doing that. Uh, and then later in the month, we are going to Europe and by the way, for the show in LA, there's like literally now like two tickets left. So if you hear this in time, take one of the two tickets

because it's gonna be sold out by the end of the sentence. And London, our London show is pretty much sold out. There are some VIP tickets left, but everything else is wait list. So if you are dying to see us there, check out those VIP tickets, but we also have shows in Dublin and in Birmingham. So come see us in Europe, watch our crap is.com for all your tick it's.

And that's all I have to say about that's great. Matt. That's great. Also, we told Vander pump Villa to go fuck itself. We're no longer going to cover that. So if you want to check out the last piece of coverage, go check it out on Patreon along with this video, which is where you'll get all of our videos. And just to say it again, cause it felt so good. Fuck you Vanderpump Villa. Okay. I had, I had some really choice words about that show and I was holding them in for several weeks and I let loose.

I let loose on the bonus. We opened the floodgates. You guys don't understand. I really, it was a lot. So check out the bonus episode if you want to hear that. Okay, so let's move on to this episode. Shall we? It's the valley. What happened to the Randy Newman music? I miss rip off Randy Newman, but you guys can't start a whole season of a show

with the guy from Toy Story. I need songs about Woody and Buzz to open every show. And like, parking in the valley is good. I love parking in the valley. Where's that song? What is this? What is this like faux soft adult contemporary rock from Amazon music streaming services?

Okay. I need Randy Newman back. That's the trajectory of life in the valley. You move out there, you're like, I love LA! Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. And then like, eventually you're just like, what happened to my life? I'm doing it to watch you. Randy Newman literally died in a parked car

of heat stroke in the valley, okay? That's what happened to him. I actually know who did, oh no, I was thinking of someone else. Never mind. But don't say an actual person that died of heat stroke in a car in the Valley, Ben. No, that's kind of what the Valley's about. The point is, yeah, I don't know what happened to that music.

I think as this show has really gone from being a show about like, we're just like young parents in the valley trying to make it happen to we all hate each other and we are racing to the divorce court. The music is full of somber. It's also become just about that friend group who just realizes they have sociopaths amongst them and how they deal with them while still being their friends.

Which I kind of like. And in a way, I guess you could say most of the shows on Bravo are about that, but Kristen and Jax are both completely on a rampage at all times. And it's just, Jax is doing it on purpose. I think Kristen to an extent does it on purpose, but it's just her nature. You know what I mean? And it's like, how do you deal with a person with, I don't know, it's not, it's not nice to, what do you call it? when you tell people they have an illness, diagnose people, and I'm no doctor, so I can't diagnose people, but just in TV diagnoses, like, what do you do when your friend has personality, like borderline

disorder? What do you do? You know? And this is a very interesting study on that. And it's also a study on, like, everybody else is a narcissist too, so, like, how do they deal with it? You know? And most of it is like, well, how do I leverage Kristen for more attention for myself? Or like in Janet's case, like, how do I leverage Kristen to drop bombs and then get more gossip from me? And it's just all very interesting. I feel like

we've all gone through it in a way guys. I mean, whose boobs don't leak? Am I right? Mine sweat. I mean, it's interesting that you, that the central thesis you're presenting is like, how did these people leverage other people's personality disorders for their own benefit? And I'll say that Janet and Jason, they lost, they did not leverage well because what they leveraged was having to take care of Jack's, Brittany's kid for a night. So that's not how you leverage.

I'm just going to say, well, I thought you were going to point out that we leverage it for our livelihoods because we leverage it also for our pretty good at it. Look, there's things there's like, so I have issues with my posture. I'm always trying to correct my posture and it's's been an ongoing, it's a lifelong journey for me. And in those moments when I'm like, damn it, like, will I ever have a good posture? I watched the Valley and I said, it could be worse.

It could be worse. There could be worse things in life, you know? So that's how I leverage the Valley. I leverage it to make me feel better. I look at my posture as Bette Midler posture. I've got Bette Midler posture and I'm not gonna apologize to I leverage it. I've got that middler posture and I'm not going to apologize to anyone for it. You know what I love bet Midler hands too, because it's, it's not just the posture.

It's the way she hangs her hands in front of her like this, just like, like limp houseplants, you know, she walks like this. Yeah. That's it's part of a whole package. That I've got used for. Yeah for you. I do that. Okay. So we have that naturally. We're gay. Yeah. We definitely, we have that when we don't think that we have that. Like when we stand at airports and stuff.

We both do it. I've looked down at both of our hands and we literally will stand there waiting for a plane like Bette Midler. Yeah. Getting our nails dried. I remember when I was in elementary school, ooh, I would always stand around in recess with my hands like that.

I would just stand around, just like my hands flopped down. Just like a little gay boy. I wasn't there, but I might as well have been. Cause I know. A little gay boy standing in the playground. All right, so this is a show we're recapping. So this is the aftermath of the hair loss party. So, they're still in this weird conference room at the Mondrian, which by the way, is the only place that they're allowed to shoot

this season. Luke Sinclair That's the only place. Pete Slauson Because they're there again today for some other reason. But we're at the Mondrian and Kristin's storming off with Luke, you know, doing her one shoulder shimmy and hitting the side of her head over and over again with her shoulder bone, going, fuck this shit, Sorry that you've been cheating for a year, Michelle. Sorry. I know we said it and now we said it. And there's still like chaos happening in Jackson. Like, who's here? Is he here?

Is it Luke? Is he here? And then Zach is like, no, they left. They left. They totally loved it. All left. They laughed they laughed they totally laughed they all laughed Some Cruston Cruston like Kristen has ruined enough meals for me, and I'm gonna eat okay. I need to get through this So you know it's mayhem in there Brittany's like I was just trying to help okay Can I suggest this so we can all just get along? I need you guys make me feel pretty Feel sexy and stuff.

And Jasmine's like, why is she bringing up the protection again? This has nothing to do with protection. And she's like, I don't know what the rumor is because we then get a flashback that Jack's tells Jasmine that there is a rumor, but doesn't say what the rumor is cause he wants Jasmine to go and do digging at this dinner party, which she doesn't do. She just alludes to Janet that there's a rumor. So she, they're just all lighting fires under each other's asses.

Yeah. And Jasmine, you know, Jasmine's always solved a mystery, but it's very, it's very obvious to literally everybody else in the room, but it's always new to her, which I really like. She's like, I know that deep down inside, Jesse's catching on. Yeah, you think? What? Yeah, maybe, just a little bit, just a little bit.

You think Jesse is just figuring out his wife is cheating? You think Jesse does not go through her phone constantly and know her iCloud passwords, et cetera? Of course he does. That's why he's freaking out all the time. You know, you think Jesse knows that this is a lose game and it's like, he can't win. So I think he's just like hoping that he can maybe criticize her shoes less and that she'll fall in love with him again. But you know, it takes more work than that Jess. Okay.

It's going to take more than a couple of terrible jackets and some headband here to win her back. Yeah. I mean, look, you can only see a dedicated album to Rob Reiner and your wife's phone so many times before you start asking questions. So, Michelle is like, she is still threatening me. She said that my husband told everybody that he's divorcing me.

Michelle talks like, um, the location caption in a serious crime, like a TV show, like, you know what it's like FBI headquarters. It's like, it's like she has like, it's like she's speaking letter by letter to us at all times. Like, it just like you can see the typing on the screen happening as she talks. What do you mean the location? You mean like that?

You know where it says like. Mark, 36077MWE. GPS, Jolene Parsons Smith. I mean like when it says, let's like X-Files, it's like FBI headquarters, 316 AM. You know? When it's like, the letters being detected. It's always like that.

It was like the typewriter. Yeah. The typewriter font that comes up. She talks like typewriter font announcing the location. So yeah, she's like, she is still threatening me. And then she said that my husband told everybody that he is divorcing me. And Jan's like, she is still threatening me. And she said that my husband told everybody that he is divorcing me. And Janet's like, oh, I'm done with this.

I am. She's just over there like talking about how done she is. Janet, this has nothing to do with you, calm it, okay? And Brittany's like, I don't know what the heck has happened. I just know that I don't feel very pretty. And Zach's like, Kristen, Kristen, she was so close with her gossip. It's not that, it's that,

the one Michelle was gonna leave, Jesse, not that Jesse was gonna leave Michelle, Kristen. And then Danny's like, I'm a fixer. So it's hard for me not to say something and try to fix the situation. I mean, at the least I can do, I was hoping I could just say, oh, that zombie four, you love each other.

You're not a fixer. And I hate when people say that. You literally made your wife come home last week from the girls trip because the air conditioner broke and you couldn't take care of things on your own. You're literally the furthest thing from a fixer I've ever seen, sir. Okay.

And he was like, we don't need to get in the middle of it. We don't need to get in the middle. And he's like, I just want to help. I can help. 302. Fix things, honey. I can fix things. How come he has a Southern accent, but then his sister has a Midwestern accent? They are children of the country. They represent all our regions. The United Straits of America.

That is the show basically. The United Straits of... Oh hello, erasure, erasure. That was definitely Koopa Troopa had how do you ratio right there that you were engaging in and I will not take it. Oh, did you see the text between it wasn't a text, but it was like a snotty, um, a snotty Instagram post that he made about Joe's hair. It was so rude. You really need to rethink how you talk to people, sir, on

the internet. It was really offensive. I was really offended. He, Zach, Zach making snotty comments about hair. You know, he's banned from doing that until he fixes the helmet. Well, it just shows how little self-awareness he had, but he said something like, Oh my God, that hair, like I would never, I cannot believe that is even a hairstylist, Kristen or something like that. And she wrote back, Zach, oh my God, Zach, it's so good to hear from you. I wouldn't say that because it's my business.

You know what I mean? That was kind of mean. I wouldn't do that. I hope we can move forward in positivity and joy with each other. Cause I love your hair. Have you ever heard anybody say that? I love your hair, Zach.

I'm gonna say that? That didn't work out really very well for either one of them really, but it was fun watching these newbies try to do that on the Instagram. Yeah. I really enjoy all the crossover with the Vanderpump rules, how they pull flashbacks from one show, put them on another. Did you read yesterday the news that Vanderpump rules is not filming this summer. I did smart move. I think, I think so too. Um, they want to give the cast some time to sort of like chill out.

Plus also Arianna's could be hosting love Island and someone on Twitter made a very hilarious observation, which is Lala's pregnancy once again, sideline. She's like, okay, so now I finally have a storylines. I'm the only one's pregnant. They're going to have to focus on me. I know this summer, everything's going to happen to Lala. She's going to find her dream man, get married, get a divorce and have a baby. And then eventually going to be on screen. Yeah. and have a baby and then it's going to be on screen. Yeah.

Um, I think it's a really good idea. Um, I'm wondering, I'm wondering if they're still going to try and fake this something about her opening because they were supposed to open in May to coincide with the opening of the show. So I'm wondering if they're going to still try that or if they're going to hold off until the actual show. And I think that that's a sign of, you know, like

how real is this place? So we'll see. I don't know. But I think it is a good idea because they are kind of at the end of a huge arc and they need to, I'm impressed that they know it. They're making it sound like it was their decision and they're, you know, they're doing what's best for the show and letting people live their lives. I think it's because they're like, well, we can't lose Ariana. She's, she's clearly not going to quit love Island. So yeah, I think that's really what it, what it's because they're like, well, we can't lose Ariana. And she's, she's clearly not going to quit love Island. So, I think that's really what it, what it's all about. They're just going to kind of, yeah. Although it's gonna be weird to see the show filming like not in the

summer. I feel like the show is so tied to the summer. Like it feels like, it's such a summer show. Everything always is about like big sunshine and everything. So, well, I guess we'll see. So, well, you know, maybe it's going to just be a Katie centric season when people can start just wearing black every day again. You know, it's like it's a fall. It's finally Katie season, a fall season, you know, a pasty dark colored black lipstick kind of a season and I'm here for it. Yeah. Well, we'll see what happens. Okay. So, um, so Michelle is saying cause they're all talking about like this rumor that et cetera. And Michelle's like, did any of the people in this room say that?

And Jack's is like, should I see something just so I get involved? Like I did it, yell at me or something like that. But like, cause like, I just feel like I'm left out. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not involved in the conversation. Like it's really weird. to do with myself, but I'm not involved in the conversation. Like it's really weird. So by the way, Michelle, last week this ended with Michelle going, everybody get back in there. I have something to say. Everybody get back in there, everybody. And then everybody gets back there and she's like, like, doesn't say anything. Like, hello.

So then, this still mayhem basically. And Jack's like, Jesse, you okay, Jesse? And Jesse's like, Kristen said, Jesse said he's gonna divorce you in two months. And if anybody's gonna divorce anybody, it's Michelle divorcing me. And everyone's like, yeah, duh. Michelle's right there, by the way, too,

when he says this. And so I was like, yeah, yeah, like, we all know that. way, too, when he says this. And so I was like, yeah, yeah, like we all know that, clearly, yeah, et cetera. So now Jesse does this whole thing. He's like, and I've been working. Divorce isn't even in my vocabulary and apparently neither is a comb, I'd like to add. So he says, my parents are together.

Both sets of grandparents passed away together. The old days, you made a commitment to somebody and you just stuck with it. And that's my mentality. I love my family and I'll do whatever it takes to keep the family together. The old days, you made a commitment to somebody and you just stuck with it. And that's my mentality. I love my family and I'll do whatever it takes to keep the family together. I'm a fighter. We made a commitment to each other. That's a big deal to me. Okay. Stop talking about the old days. Okay. What are you like, like 1875 divorce has been with us for a little while now, sir. Also, was it a murder suicide? How did they die together? I like that. My grandparents went out, they stayed together until the very end. I liked that they were like, honey, it's time. Let's go.

I've paid property taxes one too many goddamn years. But Salman Luis this shit. They were the old people and maybe there were the old people who drove off and disappeared. We talked about on morbid that one time. Yeah. On the song? Yeah. I forgot what song that was. But yeah, also it's always the terrible men who treat their wives like shit,

who say things like, divorce isn't even in my vocabulary. Cause that's also what Jax was saying last week. Divorce isn't in my vocabulary before he's all over the news fucking his publicist in the bathroom or whatever was going around last week, you know? And that was just last week. I know it's allegedly, I'm not claiming it's true,

but I'm claiming it's always something with that one, okay? A-M-P-M, amp- Also, you know, I feel like there's a lot of words that aren't in Jesse's vocabulary and it does not give him a pass on anything. In fact, it almost makes me feel like he's like, maybe he even hides behind that concept. Like divorce isn't even my vocabulary. We make it work out. So he knows he can be a dick because they're not going to divorce because

they're going to make it work. So guess what divorce is important. Yeah. The consequences, you know, you can't just do whatever you want and stay with them. Expect somebody to stay with you. And every friend of mine who gets married, I always say, listen, I will be here for your wedding party and I will be here for your divorce party. We got married way before you got married to this lug of nothing. Okay. Be here now. I'll be here after he's gone. When you're ready to let him go,

let me know. And I will hire somebody to help you pack. Cause I'm not coming to do that again. Okay. I've packed enough of your shit, your boyfriend's shit for you. And if you call me one more time asking to pack a terrible man's thing up and get them out of the house while you sit on the phone crying to your mother, we're done. Our friendship is done. This is going too far into a personal story, but you get the gist. Well, Jesse then addresses the group and says, can we all agree that Kristen doesn't actually need to be part of this group

anymore? I'm like, no, we do not agree to that whatsoever. And Michelle goes, I think our stance is if we're going to a group event, it's us or Kristin at the group event. I'm like, oh, you go fuck yourself. Don't make it like that. People have to choose between you guys and Kristin. That's rude. And that's rude to the audience. You're asking people to choose between you, a lady who can barely string a sentence together, and the star of the fucking Bravo at the moment, okay? No, ma'am.

My Lebanese queen. Did you know that Kristin was Lebanese? I did not know that. I did not know that. Somebody told us in the comments that she had mentioned it on our podcast. That's my Lebanese queen. How dare you? That's my Lebanese queen. How dare you?

That's my Lebanese sister. You better back the fuck off, Michelle. Okay. Yeah. I don't want the person who has the personality of a pipe cleaner making ultimatum over who I get to hang out with. Kristin has a personality of the resin in the pipe. You know what I mean?

I choose Kristin, pipe cleaner. Get the fuck out of here. At the end of the day, you're both necessary, but I choose the gunk. Team gunk. Two gunkles have chosen the gunk. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappins commercial.

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But my favorite part about these feuds is how they're ignited by the tiniest things. Jada, I love you. G-I Jane 2, can't wait to see it. I accidentally laminated my brows too much. It starts small, and then it gets so big. Hey, honest Naomi, I'm fearful of you to this day. I don't know her.

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Follow Dis and Tell wherever you get your podcasts. So Janet's like, well, for me personally, she's not invited to my shit. What shit, Janet? Okay. The only shit you've done is a charity thing begging people for money. Okay. I don't want to go to your thing. It costs thousands of dollars to go there. Just be quiet over there, Janet.

No, like I feel like her, Janet's only shit is like opening up a bottle of Tropicana in her fridge. So like really. So the producer's like, so is Kristen in possession of secrets that need protecting? And Michelle, the worst liar in the world goes,

uh, goes, uh, no, I can't think of what secrets Kristen is referring to. Just stares. Yeah, she's such a bad liar. And if we didn't already know that this was true, I would believe her because that's how I am. I believe liars. I really do. I act like I'm so tough

and I don't believe shit, but I do. I literally, I was shocked by Sandoval. I'm still shocked by Sandoval. Everyone was shocked by Sandoval. Everyone was. But you know, I pride myself on being judgier than that, but I wasn't. I wasn't. And all the signs were there. Okay, we're not beating ourselves up over that today, guys. Let it go. So Jesse's like, well, everybody, thanks for having this dinner. And Zach goes, yeah, Jax,

thanks for losing your bald spot, Jax. I'm in a bald joke. Did anybody hear that or was it wasted? Was it wasted or not? Yeah, was it wasted? Okay, everyone stop. Stop right now. Stop.

Zach, I really like that when Zach talks, he always looks like he's just pushing open a door into a building. Okay, stop. Zach, I really like that when Zach talks, he always looks like he's just pushing open a door into a building. Okay, everyone, that palm goes forward. All right, everyone, stop. Look his bald spot. So they make a cheers and Jackson's like, you're still losing your hair.

Jackson's like, yeah, I'm going to need your product now. I'm so stressed over all this, nothing I'm contributing. And, um, so then the next day everybody's talking about the night before. And, uh, we start up with Michelle and, uh, Jesse in their kitchen. And Michelle's like, I dropped off Isabella at school and then I went for a hike and I thought smoothies would be good this morning and then I went for a hike and I thought smoothies would be good this morning. So I got us a smoothie. So you just turned her into like a circa 2008,

uh, text to dictation, text, text to voice. It's like when I was like, my name is Bruce. There was like Bruce. And then there was like Sarah. I think that's. My friend, Jeral, always dogs like this where she adds a B onto things and Michelle did it in one sentence and for some reason now it makes me think of Jeral

dogging like this. It definitely gives me flashbacks to when that feature became commonly available and I was like typing in things like, I want to go fuck myself. And they're like, let's make it worse. So, um, Michelle's like last night was something, which is that's such a Michelle line. Of course. Like, can we just, you're wasting air.

Last night was something. Yeah, Kristen is becoming pathological and they're lying and it's sad. Do they hold a parade for Kristen at some point in the season? Because they're really villainizing Kristen and she could have just saved your life. You know what I mean?

If it is a parade, it's gonna definitely be a Thanksgiving Day parade and there'll be a giant float of Kristen going down Fifth Avenue with people holding it and she's just bumping into all the buildings. We're both happy Thanksgiving everyone. And then someone will post that on, someone will post it on Twitter and Mary Cosby will say, oh my God, thank you. You know, it's a thinking it's a float of her. Do you remember that? Yes. Remember, you know how like Thanksgiving day floats? There's always like one section that deflates that's will happen to Kristen.

It'll be like her, her like shoulder will deflate a little bit. That's how it was designed. The foot is just kind of melted in certain places. It drags along just hitting trees on Central Park. The only like helium is in the shoulder. So it just keeps kind of bumping up every time there's a new pump. She glides up against Woodstock.

Sucker dick Woodstock. Last night was something. Yeah. She is pathological. She doesn't know anything about our marriage. Okay. Well, before you were just being subtle, now you're just out and out lying, right? So Jesse's like, well, I mean,

you stuck up for me right away, which was kind of hot. Yeah, also don't you think it was a little suspicious? Why would she stick up for you? She's just trying to stop the fight, sir. She doesn't care about you. She goes, yeah, because apparently it's not true. And he goes, yeah, I mean, I think what it's actually doing is bringing us closer together. And the more we say that the more it's going to actually be true, right?

Because like we're sticking up for each other or buying smoothies for each other now, grayish purple smoothies that tastes disgusting. What the fuck were you doing with show when you bought this? She was like, that's a big, so that gets in my head. But then I started thinking about things like, you know, when you go out with the girls and you know, you don't post any pictures, like you always post pictures. So when you don't post pictures, I'm like, wait, are they, is she out with the girls or is she seeing Rob Reiner?

What the heck? I mean, like it used to be you cheersing, you posting pictures of you cheersing with girls and then next year posting like a picture of a guy's body, but then with like a giant Christmas ham on top of it as a head. I don't really understand. So cryptic meathead, Skinamax poem. I mean, last time we had sex, you said, call me Gloria, what was that about?

So he says, he's like, you know, she used to yell at me when we first started dating, if I put my cell phone face down, and then all of a sudden, she starts putting her cell phone face down. And for years, years, she wouldn't go out and have a margarita without doing a boomerang then all of a sudden no more posting. I mean do you know how upsetting it is when you can't see your wife picking up a margarita

and putting it down and picking it up and putting it down and picking it up and putting it down and picking it up putting it down. I miss my boomerangs. I love when he said that. She was always good for a couple of boomerangs every time she went. Well, you know who else doesn't post boomerangs anymore? Literally everybody. Have you seen who posts a boomerang? I've never seen, I haven't seen that in years. You know, I can't stand. Can we just talk about this for a second?

I enjoy a boomerang, but I hate when people, all they post are boomerangs. I'm like that. That's not good enough. That's not good enough. I need, you need a higher effort post. Well, I like a boomerang, you know, in the mix, but what, you know, there's certain people where all they do is post boomerangs. And then what happens is that's all they do. That drives me absolutely nuts. Well, if you look down their timelines, our personalities are boomerangs in every way. It's like the same thing over and over. It's like, oh my God, you had a nice dish of salmon. Wow.

What a shocker. You also did this 10 times in 2018. Okay. It's like the same thing over and over again. They date the same people in different bodies, you know, get married in the same dress over and over again, keep the same haircut. Like just drop the boomerang boomerang people. I know. Now we're talking about the boomerang soundtrack. Totally down with that. Boomerang the film. What about women's toenails? Am I right guys? You know, listen, any movie that brings together Earthqu kit and grace Jones and Halle Berry

winner and Robin, any book for sure. Winner. Um, I don't know what we're talking about or why or where or when it's that Michelle used to do boomerangs. Oh, she doesn't. Now Michelle's clearly cheating at this point. Now that's how you know you're dating a director. The director definitely shaper.

You call this cinema? I thought it was fun. I would like to see you post in Final Cut a little bit more, at least. You can get the iPad version for $40. I don't want to hear about audience engagement. This is not audience engagement. I'll tell you what audience engagement is.

Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson, a courtroom, Kevin Bacon on the side, a few good men, thank you very much. You know the original line was, you can't handle the Ruth. Because there was a character named Ruth that was a real ball buster. They didn't like us, we changed it. It worked out okay. She's like, oh my god, if I have to hear this story one more time, at least it's better than going home to Jesse.

So I'm totally on her side for cheating by the way. I know we're supposed to stay even and be mad at her because we're mad at other people who cheat, but I'm totally on her side. Yeah, let's not forget that Jesse is the biggest piece of shit on this show. So this is actually a very empowering storyline. I wish that it never had come out so you could just get forgiven and then cheat on him again. Like I wish you could just do it multiple times. Like once isn't enough. Eight is enough.

Okay, eight is enough. You're right. Okay. So then he's like, yeah, well, you've been standing up for me at least because she won't answer anything. He's basically like, this is fishy and that's fishy. And the fact that you hate me and the fact that you will look me in the eye and the fact that the last time I had a boner, you put a chip clip on it. I mean, like I'm getting the feeling that you don't like me. And she's just looking off into space like, Oh, thinking about what her next potential boomerang would be if she still did them. When she is sort of like a human boomerang, she's like, uh, uh, uh, I mean, she's a very vacant soul. So she goes, that should not be in your head and you shouldn't think like that.

Like you shouldn't have to worry. Like we have never had that type of relationship where we have to worry about each other. And I've been honest with you, like, look, here's me being honest. Huh? So she's like, oh, okay, I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm gonna be honest with you. Like, look, here's me being honest. So she's like, okay, he says, okay, well, I guess t Michelle and Jesse that and she's like,

team Michelle and Michelle and Michelle and Michelle. Are you boomeranging me? Are you bringing your sentences? Really like that. I'm really messing your boomerangs No, no, I'm doing it with someone So next up Jackson Brittany's house Sherry and me more there And mom's like hi. How was the dinner y'allall went to the dinner the other day. How was that dinner? Like say dinner again, please. I just why are Sherry and Brittany getting thicker accents? It doesn't make any sense.

Why does it feel like they're also shucking beans, even though they're not? They're all just sort of standing there, just like doing stuff with their hands. Oh, his bones are almost dead. I know. They're acting like they're picking, picking corn off the stock. Like, what are you doing? I feel like they just, they just like, hi, you want to go to Starbucks and chuck some beans? Like, ma'am, could you please put down the cake pop? I thought this was a father, Bane. She's sucking the sprinkles off of the cake pop.

Ma'am, could you please put down that packet of sous vide egg bites? No, but I need to shock them. Come on. Ma'am. I was like, I'd like a beer latte. I don't do that, ma'am. Fuck this place. God damn liberals.

Mate, you can't throw your trees at the wall. I think this is Starbucks. God damn liberals. Mate, boy, you can't throw your cheese at the wall like that. This is Starbucks. How was the dinner? Y'all went to dinner. How was the dinner? Anybody make it feel pretty at the dinner? And, um, it was fun. Yeah, it was fine.

But like it says fun, which, which is fun. I like that about Brittany that when she says fine, it sounds like fun because she has to tell herself that things when they're just fine are actually fun. Makes sense. She's got the toxic positivity, you know? I don't know if it's called toxic positivity. It's in her place. Cause it's really only hurting herself. Right? What would you call it? Like self-inflicted positivity? I don't know what it is. Self-harm. It's like cutting positivity. It's like tragic positivity. Yeah.

Tragic positivity. Yeah. Um, positivity. It's like tragic positivity. Yeah. Tragic positivity. Yeah. So Sherry's like, what do you mean fine? And she's like, well, doing just, you know, that was just crap to have mama. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You crying? No.

You shucking tears? Yeah, I'm shucking tears. Oh, there's so many, you know, it's really annoying-chucking tires. They're coming pods and you have to pull them out of the pods and peel them out of your skin then boil them. It's hard. So.

Next up, Kristen and Luke. Yeah, they're driving to the doctor and she's talking about her fight with Michelle. She's like, seriously? And she's also, by the way, her seat is so far back for some reason, she's like, seriously? She's like, do I want to lose Michelle out of my life? Of course I don't.

I want to go to movie premieres, but like maybe we can survive this and like come to a place of tranquility in a way. Or like, maybe we can't. Who's to say? She's fucking Rob Reiner, that's for sure. Oops. And then Danny and Mia and Danny's like,

now it seems like Kristin knows something about Michelle. Like, you know, and she was threatening her, like, you know that I know, which means something's about to blow up. That's what I'll say. Something's about to blow up. It's a good home, good damn Southern gentleman saying it too. I know, but what is it? So then we go up to Janet and Jason, and Janet's like,

Hey Jason, I'm still like, shaking over last night. Dare I say, sheketh. And Jasmine told me, Jax knows what Kristen meant by this protection comment. And this is what has made me so shaken. Who is Jasmine? Where did she come from? She's like, here's what I think that happened. Michelle confided in Brittany and Kristen something about her marriage. And then one of them told Jax and now Jax is testing

Jasmine. Jason is just sitting there. This is the look of a man who's not cheating yet in the physical world, but he is cheating a lot in his head. He's like, if I run, will she find me? He's like, where can I possibly go that she won't find me? She's gonna find me, she's gonna kill me. I can't do it, right? What if I did do it? Oh God, there I am in a Starbucks and it's a gorgeous woman.

Why is she pulling the sprinkles off of the cake pop? Oh yeah. I totally shipped Jason and me mall. So Jason's like, um, so what do you and Jasmine have to do with any of this? And Jack's like, um, the telephone game has begun. Okay. And I am a subscriber to MCI. Okay. I shouldn't know that a secret exists and Jasmine shouldn't know what the secret is.

And here we are. And he goes, um, have you spoken to Brittany about this? No, I want to though. Jack should know better than to spread a rumor about someone's marriage. I'm sorry, but like even just yesterday, Sheena calls me and says, hey, Katie saw a rumor about Jack shooting online. Now, technically did I just spread a rumor

about someone's marriage? Yes. But I didn't do it because I was saying that somebody else did it. So do you see what I mean? It's not bad when you're reporting the news if somebody else is reporting the news. Does that make any sense?

I'm gonna cry now. He's like, are you gonna cry? Totally. Okay, cry. She's like, this is reporting the news. So make any sense? I'm gonna cry now. He's like, are you gonna cry? Totally. Okay, cry. She's like, this is so hurtful. Wah, wah. Am I crying? No, are you trying to?

I am. Am I now? No. You're still not, you're still not crying, but it hurts. You know what? Jax is a real big talker when it comes to other people's situations in drama, and it almost does kind of feel like, is it like a flashbang, like the police throw to

like distract you over here and like make you disoriented? Like, so then you can't remember what's really happening over here. I'm like, A, is that a thing that happens? And B, like literally you're talking about someone else's marriage. You're actually talking about two different marriages at the same time right now. Yeah, I mean, I knew flashbangs, but I didn't know that that's what they were for. Those tricky police. I'll tell you. What will they come up with next? Where's the Flash Patty Lapone? Where they're like, hey, all right, we need to get in the east door. So send it

off at the west door. Go. It's like, I don't know why, Brian, I know my way around here. Everyone starts looking and then the police make it in the east door. You know, it's a flash lapone. Now grab all me rioters in the street. The truth is I always was distracting you. So then, by the way, Janet, you're no great mystery solver, okay? Jax is starting shit both to distract,

but also just to entertain himself because everybody still knows that Jax is starting shit, both to distract, but also just to entertain himself, because everybody still knows that Jax is a cheater, but he's also telling you the truth because look who else is cheating. Michelle! Okay, just listen to Kristin, take what you're getting and consider it a gift and stop trying to victimize Santa Claus. You know what I mean? Like you're trying to, not criminalize Santa Claus is what I'm saying. Kristin's giving you a juicy gift. Someone is cheating. You're the biggest gossip in the group.

You just got some gossip. Thank fucking Santa Claus. Okay. Or you're getting coal next year. Thank Lebanese Santa Claus. Jason's like, you know, certain people need some hobbies or jobs or something because this is just outrageous. And she's like, there's no reason that I should know this.

I am outraged that I know a rumor and I have to now spread that I know a rumor and that will imply that there's a rumor out there and then they can figure it out and tell it back to me. I am outraged. And this is where she pretends that she's crying. It's so funny. And like, I just can't take that somebody's gossiping.

And I like when he said, you know, some people really need to get a job and do other things. He's kind of looking at her like, hmm. And by some people, I mean, I just impregnated her. Okay. So like get a hobby. I'm Shimon Liayi and I have a new podcast called The Competition. Every year, 50 high school senior girls compete in a massive scholarship competition.

I wouldn't say I have an ego problem, but I'm extremely competitive. All of the competitors are used to being the best and the brightest, and they're all vying for a huge cash prize. This will probably be the most intense thing you've ever gone through in your life. I remember that feeling, because I was one of them. I lost. But now, I'm coming back as a judge. And also a kind of teen girl anthropologist. Because if you want to understand what it's like to be a young woman in America today, the competition's not a bad place to start.

Hopefully no one will die on station night. From Pineapple Street Studios and Wondry, this is the competition. Follow the competition on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to the competition early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus. So Luke and Kristen go to the fertility doctor.

Now this fertility doctor is in that big tall building in the valley. It's like the only tall building in the valley where everything takes place in. I've been to so many failed meetings in that building. I didn't even know there was fertility in there as well. I mean, there are so many jobs I haven't gotten in that building.

It's bad luck. Yeah, everything's in that building. Fertility, there's a tailor, it's the former offices of CISO. It's just like so much happening in there. So Kristen's like, I just want to know that I'm like a fertile myrtle. And like we haven't been on, we've we've been having unprotected sex for like six months. So like, why hasn't it happened yet? Like he's going to check my ovaries,

higher number of follicles, the greater chance I have of getting pregnant. So they go in, it's like our standard fertility thing. She gets scans and everything and the doctor's like, well, it's good. So here's the good news. You got five to 10 and at 48, that is great. Unfortunately, they're all waving their arms like this, knocking into each other. So that's not going to be good for your ovaries. Why do they, why do your follicles look like they're trying to sell used cars? Has anyone told that to you before?

And it looks like just seeing those follicles is such a relief and you can just see it wash over her face. Kristen's not just my girlfriend. She will be the mother of my children. She will be my wife one day. Let's just hope for a little Luke. I just see Luke's face like, you know, when a door is open, but it can't open all the way cause there's a security chain there and just one eye peeking through like it's daddy. I'll tell you where I've seen Luke's face in the side mirror on my car.

Every time I want to make a right turn and there's a bicyclist right there. They're all Luke. They are all Luke. You don't know. You're like, I'm just going to make a right turn because what could be hard? I'm in the right lane. There's nothing about bushes to the side of my car. What could go wrong with me making a right turn? God damn it. There's a bicycle there. All of a sudden I just killed someone almost. And then you look and it's always Luke in the mirror. It's always Luke. And he's got like a Dr. Pepper's a bicycle there. All of a sudden I just killed someone. Almost. And then you look and it's always Luke in the mirror. It's always Luke.

And he's got like a Dr. Pepper logo on her shirt. You're like, you are not being sponsored by Dr. Pepper. You fucking liar. And then he gets mad at you. He gives you a look like share the road. And then he goes right through the red light. Bikers and tellers. So I almost got beat up by one of them, but this recap's already five hours. So we'll move on. So I almost got beat up by one of them, but this recap's already five hours, so we'll move on. So she's got lots of follicles. Unlike Jax, am I right?

You can tell this is a show about middle age because every week is just gonna focus on follicles. So he's like, okay, just keep trying, okay? It's like, we'll keep practicing, am I right? It's a good one, right? Follicles, right? And it was the we'll keep practicing, am I right? It's a good one, right? Volacles, right? And it was the original name of Stephen Sondheim's musical, Volacles.

They changed it to Follies, but you know. Hands to the ladies who braid everybody curl. The Will Rogers Volacles. The West entrance, right? Get Flash-Bang Patty out of the entrance, please. This mission is over. Flashbang Patty. Flashbang Patty.

Ain't nobody here but us Flashbangs. All right. So Jackson in Brittany's house. Cruz is having... This is so funny to me. Okay. It's not that Cruz is having a therapy session. That's not what's funny. But Jack, Cruz is as his therapist over, so they're talking and Jack's like, shh shh shh. Cruz is talking guys. Cruz is having his therapy. Can we just be quiet? Okay, Jax. Well, we can go sit outside if you want to. Shut up, Brittany, shut up.

Paying a lot of money for Cruz. Cruz is trying to concentrate. I don't want my son to have your accent, so stop talking. That was so funny. The only one making noise is him and the only one adding stress to the situation. It's like, okay, well, what can I say? I'm being real quiet. I'm pretty good.

I'm just going to do my side. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Quiet. He is very fussy. Um, so there are just, he's just being a real dick. And Brittany's like, oh, if Jax shushes me one more time,

I'm gonna knock the fire out of him. I'm like, I think the burning sensations that Jax feels will be with him the rest of his life. Yeah. If antibiotics could knock him out, you're certainly not going to, okay? So Brittany goes outside and J says like, Hey, Brittany, have you seen my glasses?

I found the therapist. Sorry. Sorry. So Janet and Jason come over and they go to the backyard and she's like, hi, look at you pregnant sporty thoughts am I right? You're a cool guy. I don't want anyone. I don't want to help me shock those blades. They're like you're holding a glass of diet coke Never mind So Brittany Janet's like how are you Brittany? And she goes oh my god. Hey, where am I? Look how red my eye is It's been killing me all day. I'm wondering if like in all the craziness maybe it got my eye scratched. Yeah, your eye was scratched by words.

In all that craziness, hey, and I turned on the TV the other day and they had a movie about my eye. I was like, I can't believe there's a movie called Red Eye and there's a movie about my eyeball being on a plane and then like, Killian Murphy was next to it and like held my eyeball hostage. It was so scary. Mm-hmm. So I was just like, mm-hmm, maybe. She was like, yeah, I really don't know. So Jax is talking about how annoyed he is and Jax is like, okay, well, Jax, I wanted to ask you about this. I was just crying very hard about it in my house. Asked Jason. Jason, tell him I was crying. Jason, Jason!

Okay, because last night Jasmine was like, well, J's just told me he knows what the protection comment is about and he told me What it is. So what's the protection comment? I wanted to ask you about it. Not that it's my business. I'm not a gossip I really hate gossips Hi, was it talking about protection? I got a red eye from all the craziness and Jack's like, oh, that's just what Kristen told me told you what they have a red eye from the craziness because I got that And he's like then Michelle's doing something on the side. Okay, like whatever like texting whatever Chuck Wendy Kristen telling you something. He's like was when she was here when I when she was drunk. Okay, so Janet's like, oh Okay. Mmm. I didn't even know what it was. This is the first time I've ever heard anything about this.

I simply can't believe it. You're such a liar. You've been dying to talk about this. I love that about Janet. No, I love that. It's messy ass. She's hilarious to me. I love it. She knows she's messy. She doesn't even care. So Jack's is like, listen, this is again, you know, this is coming from Kristen. So it could be Absolutely nothing but we should Use it like it's actually something very reliable

So Jax like I mean Jasmine also said that you said that you know that details the situation too And so that's why I was like, okay Well, if it's coming from someone who's like not Kristen like I don't know I'm pretty psyched Well, I'm not Kristen and I'm not gonna tell my friends business unless they get their eye read from all the craziness. So she's like, well, whether I know something or don't know something, Brittany is not in it because Brittany ain't running her mouth, okay?

That's what's happening, Jax. So actually, you know what's just dawning on me now is that Jax is kind of being a good friend here if you think about it. He's like trying to be messy by getting what Kristen said out there about the marriage. But Jason told all the men, my wife goes to the Chateau Marmont every night and is hitting and is like flirting with some director every single night she's there with this guy, right? Didn't he say that?

And none of the guys really tattled, I don't think. I think Jax is like trying to get this gossip out without tattling. Am I? No. Okay, correct me, because it doesn't feel right. No, because Jax could have just said it to Jesse. Jesse doesn't like Kristen as it is.

Jax have just pulled aside Jesse and said, this is what I've heard. But instead he's doing it this roundabout way. So that way all the women look like psychos and they look at gossippers and he's like, Oh, whoa, whatever. I'm being a cool bro. So he's actually not being a nice guy cause he's making other people look bad. Right. I mean, I guess I'm saying he's being a good friend to what's his face. Jesse,

well, you just tell by not outing Jesse's, he's not outing Jesse's secret because Jesse told the guy as a secret. So he's not outing Jesse, but he's still trying to out Michelle through Kristin. So in other words, he's still being an asshole, but he's not betraying his friend with the information he could be betraying.

He could be blowing this stuff all up with the information Jesse himself gave him, but instead he's trying to blow it up through information that Kristin gave him while she was drunk. It's like, it's a, listen, I know that more, I'm not saying he's still punishing like Jack logic is funny to me. Jack's is still punishing Kristin because he doesn't like Luke. And that's what this is about. So, um, so anyway, now we go over to Danny and Nia and Nia is still feeling obviously very sad because she is dealing with postpartum and she has been very reluctant to even call it

postpartum. She just keeps calling it baby blues because she doesn't want to give it power. But she then goes and FaceTimes with her sister-in-law, Sally, who had postpartum and now helps people through it. And the conversation's really good. And it sort of like reminds Nia that she's not alone and that this is something that happens and that's treatable. And Nia ends the scene feeling very liberated because she was sort of scared to call it postpartum and realized that there was power in acknowledging what it is and taking the next steps to treat it.

So it was a nice little scene. Have you ever thought of asking my brother to stop making zombie voice while you're trying to sleep? But he has to go over his lines. Still, no one can sleep like that. It's kind of hard trying to sleep when all I can hear is whee-hoo! Wanna read my cue lines, honey?

Sally is very Midwestern. It's like, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, so I can come help you if you need some help. I can give you some referrals if you need them. I'm like, wow. How's it going, Sally? Oh, it's going, I'll tell you that much. It's going, that's for sure.

It's like a car with a key in the ignition putting neutral just on a hill, going. I'll tell you that much. It's going. That's for sure. It's like a car with a key in the ignition, put in neutral, just on a hill, going. Okay. No one knows where to, but it sure is going. How does she talk like that? And then her brother talks like this. Do you think they're just like a Samuel French accent tape kind of a family? I don't think they're related. I think that maybe she like, I feel like like her husband may be Danny's brother or something like that. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. Cause she's definitely Danny's sister. They said the sister-in-law is sister-in-law. And she even said something she Nia said our sister-in-law,

which is like this weird, like we do everything as a couple, including refer to our in-laws as our, um, yeah, I don't understand family trees. They're so confusing. They are. Is my cousin's husband my cousin? Your cousin's husband? Sure.

Like Jenna's husband, is that my cousin? It's like your cousin-in-law, but I feel like people just call them cousins. I don't know, cousins is weird. I feel like there's no formalized way of discussing cousins-in-law. I feel like there's no formalized way of discussing cousins in law. Like, I think I would call them cousins. I think he's being othered and I don't like it.

It's like, I talk about my cousin Jenna, but what about Reed, you know? Reed has new music coming out soon. Reed Umstat, the Reed brothers. Go check it out on Spotify. Ding, love you buddy, congratulations. Okay, so Nia had the baby blues. I think it's so sad.

I'm so glad when the scene's over though, cause you know, stuff like that makes me uncomfortable cause it's real and people like having real feelings and stuff, I don't like it. So Jax takes Brittany to an intimacy tantric sex spurt. That's what I need, you know, cause this not real. This is not real, this is what I need. Yeah, this lady, it's just sort of, so Brittany is like,

hi JX, where are you taking me? Who are you going to meet up with? Where are we going to go right now? Is anybody going to be there? I just got over my red eye and I don't want any more craziness. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I mean, look, he does take her to a tantric sex place. I don't know if it's the best place to make someone feel sexy. Like, hey, I'm going to teach you how to have sex. But I mean, it's better than the last time she asked him to make her feel pretty

because he took her to the place that put like Volkswagen Beatles in her chest. So, you know, it's better. He's like, look, I'm going to take you to a lady who's somewhere on the spectrum between Angelica Houston and Cher, and she's gonna teach us everything we need to know about sex. We're gonna find the biggest, craziest boobs in town to talk about boning. And there's gonna be Sage in a very odd living room, okay?

Yes. So they go to Janelle Gordon, which is not... By the way, that's not who I expect to be like the sex expert. Like sex expert. I'm going to imagine her name is like, you know, um, Tigress Euphrates or like Malange von Trink. Yeah. But like, but even if it's a normal, like a regular name, I feel like a Melissa has some,

like there's something, like Vanessa, like there's ass in that name at least. Amanda. There's something. But yeah, this one is weird. But you have to think back on famous sex therapists, they're never what you would think. It's like, oh my God, I'm gonna go to them them about say it's like Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Oh,

you'd like to come in mouth. Do you like common mouth? Oh, let's talk about coming in. Now. Do you like it in your asshole? How'd you like it? You know, just like little tiny old lady. Yeah. There was that other, there was that other, um, sex therapist, I forgot her name. And then, you know, it's like, Oh God, I haven't been able to get it up. I'm going to talk to Dr. Joyce brothers. Although she was not a sex therapist. I think she was just gonna say I don't think she was a sex therapist There was the other sex therapist who was like dr. Ruth like famous sex therapist

There was Mismanners this yes, that's Emily Post sue Johansson Adams. Sue Johansson. Cindy Adams. Sue Johansson was a big one. Okay, so this one is not any of those people. This is Janelle, okay? And she spells her name J-E-N-N-E-L-L-E,

which is just like, I feel like her mother really liked Wheel of Fortune and just wanted to fuck with people and have them never guess the puzzle. So, um, Jack says, like, is this an office or your home? Yeah. Uh, so I don't know why it sounded so offensive. I think cause it's how Jack's it's just Jack's who said it. It's also the sort of thing someone says when they've never stepped foot in an

office before in their life, because it's literally like a bed and a kitchen and it's like it's a home and Janelle has done Janelle has set up a really strange workstation here so she has them kind of like sit down on the floor in front of her bed and she's sort of like thrown some like blankets sort of haphazardly on the side of the bed. It's like, Janelle make your bed, you're on TV. Okay. This is your moment. Make that bed. It's a mess. Messy beds are part of fucking.

Now I don't want to learn to fuck better from a crazy lady who looks like she literally looks crazy. She has crazy face and a messy bed and who's saging me immediately. Sex shouldn't be about saging, okay? Take a bath. Can we just take a bath? Honestly, if Jax walks into my home,

I'm gonna start trying to smoke him out. I'll be like, shh, I'm gonna give him that torch ready. If Jax walks into my home, I'm acid bathing, okay? I'm so good at showering this shit. Hello there, this is a two part recap, okay? This is the end of part one. this shit. She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniela! Itchels! Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no trickles! She's never scary, it's the green fairy! Jamie, she has no less namey! Hava Nagila Weber!

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