Watch What Crappens - #247: Top Heifers & Brah Wizards of Oz

Episode Date: December 9, 2015

This week, we get back on the sinking rental boat that is Real Housewives of Atlanta before checking in on Rocky #2 over at Top Chef. Then it's time for a quick Workout followed by a binge on Pride Day with the meth faced meat puppets on Vanderpump Rules. Come on in! Timestamps! Opening/Crappens Mailbag 0-17:55 Real Housewives of Atlanta 17:55 Top Chef 1:16 Workout 1:29:45 Vanderpump Rules 1:36:45 Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: http://trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Texture is the app that gives you an all-access pass to the world's best magazines right on your phone or tablet if you want a free trial go to texture.com slash crappins watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors marvin jay and christy doherty we love you Watch what happens when there's so much that crappens. Welcome to Watch What Crappens, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk on the real housewives of Melbourne. Just kidding. We're not talking about that today.

But damn, I want that to be back on. I'm Ronnie Curran from Trash Talk TV. I'm shaking your shoulders and slapping you. And we're a little loopy. And I'm here with the gorgeous, talented, and older, older by a year this week, Ben Mandelka. Yes. About to be side-blogging the banter blender. Hi, Ben.

Older and less wiser. Unwiser. Ben, it's your birthday. We didn't even do a special thing for your birthday last week. That's okay, because it wasn't my birthday yet, and you're not supposed to celebrate prematurely. Well, good. Now we can celebrate it now by ignoring it again. Because it is Watch What Crappenska. Yeah, Watch What Crappenska. Watch What

Hanna Crappens. Watch What Hanna Crappens. Welcome to Watch What Hanna Crappens. Where we celebrate Jews on Bravo. Ben, name them. Jews on Bravo. Andy Cohen. The end. Congratulations.

The ghost of Jill Zarin. We're going to celebrate all the Jews who have been fired from Bravo. Well, Hanukkah is the festival of light when, as you may remember, some of you out there, there was only enough oil to last for a little bit of light, but it lasted for eight nights at the temple after Judas Maccabee and others fought off the Romans or something. I forget the story of Hanukkah, okay? I'm sorry. I forget the story of Hanukkah.

What matters is— That's more than I ever knew. I mean, it was all about keeping the lights on because someone didn't pay the damn bill. I mean, come on, Jewish people. You are known for having it together financially listen if you had a candle that stayed on for eight days i think you would celebrate something too that's that's that's that's seven candles you don't have to buy we are going to honor all the light that bravo brings into our lives by doing something uh undetermined but it's going to happen over the course of this

episode well i wish i had okay i know what it can be i know what it can be you have to light on a can a new candle every night of hanukkah which now that i know the story seems kind of silly because you guys should just make candles that last eight days because that's kind of the miracle and well then it won't be a miracle anymore if everyone can do it. Yeah, you're just like turning it on at the bottom, like one of those things you buy at Walgreens, those like candles you buy at Walgreens. So anyway, since you have to light one candle every night, Bean,

I think we should light one candle. We should light eight candles by the end of this week is all I'm saying. We'll have to dedicate a candle to something. Well, I was going to say, here's my question. Here's my Krapica question or Hannah Krapins question. I hope you're a premium subscriber or I'm not answering.

We'll get to the mailbag in a moment, but here's from my mailbag. The Krapins host mailbag. If Bravo stars were Hanukkah candles, and we were going to load them up in the menorah, which Bravo star would you like to light their head on fire?

Their head? Oh, my goodness. They all wear weaves. The whole place could go up in smoke. Be careful. Be careful, Jews, on Hanukkah. I know. It actually sounds semi-antisemitic to be like, which Jews would you like to light careful Jews on Hanukkah. I know, it actually sounds

semi-antisemitic to be like, which Jews would you like to light on fire for Hanukkah? Well, no, you couldn't light a Jewish person because Jewish people don't light themselves. They light other people to stay warm. So we'd have to light Sheena or something for the Jews. She would be a great candle

because she is pretty much 70% wax at this point She would last till next Hanukkah It would just like make it down to her chin She would be like one of those giant Ironically she would be like one of those giant Jesus candles That like just Can burn and burn and burn

Candles come and go But fillers burn forever Okay so let's get on with this damn show okay i say we light a candle every time every time we are shed some light on a reality of the world okay every time something beautiful dark podcast yeah every time something beautiful has a light shine upon it because of these shows we will acknowledge it and we will light a candle in honor of it. How about that? I don't see a lot of candles

going up in flames. Come on. I mean, $790! Okay, well, for right now, we will light imaginary Hanukkah candles in our menorah for every revelation that we have. For every revelation that validates

humanity on Bravo, we'll light a candle. How about this? Every time we crack each other up, like really crack each other up, we will light a candle. Okay, we can play separate games. We can play separate games, Ben. This isn't an improv team. We don't have to follow a rule, alright? You're going for enlightenment, I'm just going

for laughter. Well, you know, that's what happens when I try to enlighten myself it's always a fucking disaster i mean yeah if you want to see something explode and shit the bed ask me to start enlightening myself it's a frightening journey okay all right um anyway everybody welcome to the opening of the show so go to watch whatrappens.com for all our social links. Also check out Facebook.com slash WatchWhatCrappens because we are dying laughing at this page. You guys have really made that a fun community. And we go there for all our Housewives news because it's all posted there. You can also follow us at WhatCrappens or go to Patreon.com slash WatchWhatCrappens.

That's the big one. That's where you can go subscribe to our bonus episodes and get ringtones and all that stuff. We have like a premium feed so these episodes will always remain free but we do there's a whole other world going on over there if you need more episodes to

listen to this Christmas because once you sign up on any dollar amount you have access to every bonus episode. And I think we just did number 61 today. So there's a lot of bonus. So go over there if you need bonus material. And thank you so much to everybody who subscribes.

You're making our Christmas uka come true. Yeah. Our bonus episode this week, we talked more about Vicky's perfume. The Amazon reviews are in, and their witty... Their attempts at witticism astounded us. Yes. We also...

Excuse me, I'm bepping up a little Starbucks. We also talked about Gamble Bro and how she threw a pet wedding. And we talked about Sheena's XXX past. And we imagined Vanderpump Rules, Lisa Vanderpump fighting ISIS. So that was fun.

And then a lot of stuff about Golden Girls. Yes, Lisa Vanderpump went to war with ISIS. That was fun. We opened with that. So it was really fun. And we were about to wrap it up 35 minutes in, and then we talked for another 20 minutes. I'm sorry, but you get any of the Golden Girls or Murder, She Wrote,

and it's on. And Pick Offenses. That was the best part. The last 20 minutes was the best part because all we did was talk about crime shows and sitcoms. So it was really a fun hour. I also want to say, by the way, getting back to the birthday stuff, I do want to really thank everyone because, Ronnie, you

put up a really lovely thing on our Facebook page and I was really flattered and I really want to thank you for putting that up. It was so nice. And I want to thank all the listeners who liked that and wrote comments. I didn't get to even respond to really too many of them because, you know, like on Facebook, when it's

your birthday, all this stuff happens. You're like, what do I respond to really too many of them because it's you know like on facebook when it's your birthday you get all this all this stuff happens you know you're like what do i respond to but um uh i really uh it actually really really touched me and there were like 300 likes on that i've never felt so liked oh man so i were you were basically just poked with thumbs by 300 people how's that feel bean felt amazing i love massage. I love massage. Thumb poke the Jewish kid. It's his birthday. Yes. And thank you, Ronnie, for coming to my little birthday party over the weekend. So fun.

Ronnie brought me my Tipsy Elves sweater. There's a photo of that. And it's also the only, you picked the only place on the strip with parking. I mean, that's really, that's a generous friend right there. And two for ones. That's a good friend right there. So, for ones. That's a good friend right there. So, yeah, that was fun, Bean. Happy birthday.

I'm glad you were born. Thank you. I'm glad I was born, too, but I'm even more glad you were born. I feel like I should write a thank you card to your mother, Bean. Meanwhile, my trainer, by the way, at LA Fitness, he's been asking for- Oh, you had to fucking ruin it. I didn't, I'm not, no. Let me tell you something. For like weeks, he's been saying, oh, send you had to fucking ruin it. I didn't... I'm not... Let me tell you something.

For, like, weeks, he's been saying, oh, send me your podcast. Send me your podcast. So I finally sent him the info yesterday. So he's listening to this right now. What the fuck is going on on this show? What is this show? He's gonna do the world a favor and just have me come, too, and just drop the barbell on our necks. You made me throw up yesterday. He tied me to a rope and made me

jump around like a leapfrog and I threw up. Well, if anything can segue us into Vanderpump Rules. Just kidding. That's it. Too early. We have our news segment, Krappins Mailbag. These come to us from our Patreon.com slash What's Real Krappins posts.

Yes. So this first one, well, it's the question of the day. This comes from Marvin J., who is our brand new super subscriber, sponsor, premium, etc. Marvin, you made my birthday wish come true. Also, you're hot, and I've never had a hot young person give me things. It's so nice such a nice change alright young people

get on it learn like Marvin darling learn like Marvin alright everyone buckle your seatbelts Marvin has a big question to ask it's academic too so everyone just get ready alright Marvin asks

do you think at some point the producers on these shows and really Bravo as a brand will eventually come to terms with notion that it is participating in a dangerous game of classism, not in the micro but macro sense that the people who told tirelessly on these shows to produce and craft a narrative will never be considered the actual talent because the house of cards would come tumbling down. Bit of a loaded question. LOL. Bravo will never come to terms with anything. They can't even come to terms with Ramona. I mean, Ramona's not even going to be on this season hardly because they couldn't come to terms. Bravo does not care if it's playing a dangerous game of classism.

If anything, they consider it a hilarious game of classism. They don't care about whoever toils on the show. Whoever the producers are, whoever the story editors are, whoever the editors are, Bravo don't care. Yes, and Bravo's fair because they've put maids on TV too. It's like they put all classes on TV. They make every class look just as stupid as the last i mean i know what you're saying as far as the people who work behind the scenes are never going to get paid as much as talent and they don't do as much uh or the talent

doesn't do as much as the people behind the scenes and you're correct but that's just what it is i mean yeah you got to have the talent to be earning the money in front. You're paid for what you're worth, and you guys are going to be working your whole lives, and these people aren't. They're not even working now. They're just being followed around with the TV. That'll end soon. You guys will be cutting this shit and making money for the rest of your lives, and you've got a health care plan.

Yeah, I think that it's an interesting point because Bravo, on the one hand, does glamorize or they really put on a pedestal rich. Like everything is – they celebrate rich people or fake rich or whatever. But like the idea of having money is what Bravo is all about. And then you can make the argument that's like, yeah, but then you see them all acting like buffoons and then you feel good about yourself. So yeah, you may feel good about yourself by the fact that you're not rich. But I do think that the ultimate message is it's good to be rich. And I could not agree more. That's why I'm here podcasting.

Yeah, every network has its theme, okay? Lifetime has its women in danger. Bravo has its rich people. A&E has you know duck hunters yes they have like possible criminal or at some point going to be felon shows like Duck Dynasty and that Bounty Hunter show

wasn't that from that channel too? and that one where they sell shit out of the pond storage oh my goodness they like sell shit out of the U-Haul storage remember when A&E was classy? Their whole thing was like, biography. Now, five times a night. Everyone was like, huzzah. But now it's like

this shit. Although Bravo used to be the place we used to go to watch opera. Well, I have to say they are putting on some very simple characters and stuff to understand like opera because opera is very presentational. And I think that that's how Bravo is, too.

It is. It's like, I am rich. I am rich. I am rich. And you're like, okay, it rhymes because it's like literally the same word over and over, opera. And that's Bravo for you, dude. In an opera shell. Well, so Marvin has a follow-up question along these same lines. and the creative types are forced into submission through exhaustive NDAs to preserve the notion

that we are being presented in some manner is reality when, in fact, it is a very complex gentrification of the media landscape where being rich is singularly your price of admission into the body politic of Hollywood. I'm not sure I totally follow that, Marvin. Honey, Marvin Jay, you are way too intelligent to be watching Bravo.

Who talks like that that watches Bravo? Turn the channel, Marvin Jay. What are you, nuts? You're like Fraser Crane over there talking about Bravo. What about the infrastructure of the intellectual mind with his commerce? How does commerce affect the intellect of the poor person with creative gentrification qualities. I'm not sure the degree to which affluencers act as vessels for political lobbies.

They do, of course. The whole government is run by people with money. The corporations and the people with money. The Supreme Court. I mean, I don't know the degree to which putting Phaedra Parks on TV is putting forward a political lobby. But I don't know the degree to which like, you know, putting Phaedra Parks on TV is like, is,

is putting forward a political lobby, but I don't know. I, I, well, I was certainly getting people pissed off at the rich people because they're, they're able to, we're, I guess I should say,

as I am one of them, we're able to, uh, kind of put a face, even if it's not Phaedra Parks, this face, we're putting someone's face on the people who are fucking everything up all the time

and like bailing each other out with trillions of dollars that nobody even understands like now there's a face on it it may be Phaedra's it may be Vanderpump's whoever it is

but I think it mobilizes people into a weird sort of anger that might eventually turn into action of some scary sort oh my god we're gonna be burning tires in the street soon

and beating each other over the head with baseball bats. Well, I think Marvin does raise also another interesting question, which, you know, has been a question that has kind of been around since reality, modern reality kicked off 15 years ago. When he says basically it's being rich singularly, your price of admission into the body politic of hollywood it kind of is becoming that way you know before the show started we were talking about the kardashians you know the kardashians they're they're rich and now they are part of hollywood

you know so like not every reality star becomes part of hollywood but it's almost like if you are rich you can now be part of hollywood as opposed an actor, etc. I don't know. But you know what, though? I feel like also being in Hollywood and being an entertainer and forms of entertainment is just an ever-evolving landscape, just like languages. And, you know, we just have to go with the flow because at the end of the day, whoever is... If it's entertaining to us, if we like the entertainment,

then who cares where they come from? Yeah, I mean, I say, look, let's just burn them at the stake these rich fuckers you know it's better than watching poor people burn at the stake and hell when we get back in the mood for poor people we'll just turn off vanderpump rules and burn them at the stake too keep it fair i think one of the biggest things is that you see rich people and you realize that they're not smarter than you and then that's really pissing me off because I just assumed people that wealthy were intelligent and they're all fucking morons. And it's like, well, I'm a moron.

Why don't I have that much money? Like, how are they able to have money and they're morons and I don't have money and I'm a moron? Like, it just feels weird. Like, we should have more in common with them. And I think it's like bringing them down to our level and now we can take them down. All right, Marvin.

All right, Marvin. Well, thanks so much for writing in Marvin thanks for also becoming our latest super premium sponsor we have more mailbag questions that we will get to on the next episode and so we can go on to the main one but first a quick shout

out to my old school chum Whitney Oland we went to elementary school together we started going to school together in first grade and then school in high school and she recently wrote on my Facebook wall that she listens. I'm assuming to this podcast, not Banter Blender.

And so Whitney, thanks for listening. It's so nice to hear that from you. Thanks, Whitney. I haven't seen Whitney in like years. Tell us some dirty sex stories about Ben. Yeah, Whitney. Whitney's birthday is coming years. Tell us some dirty sex stories about Ben. Yeah, Whitney. Whitney's birthday is coming up. Don't waste a Facebook post, Whitney.

You could be telling us stuff right now. Okay. What show do you want to start with? We have so many shows. We have – Oh, my God. We're going to talk today about Real Housewives of Atlanta. We're going to talk about the second episode of Top Chef.

We're going to talk about Vanderpump Rules, most importantly. And I'm going to weigh in a little bit about Workout New York. So you choose. Well, I guess we should start with Real Hair Suaves of Atlanta, right? Yay! Bah! So every week

I noticed something new. I was looking at my nose. I didn't make them 20 points. What did you say? I know I said I just like that we both made weird Sheena Every week I notice something new. I was looking at my notes. I didn't make them 20 points. You know, like. What did you say? I know I said I just like that we both made weird Sheena noises. I know, Sheena day. It's just, it's not Hana crappins. It's Sheena crappins all over the floor, all episode long.

Let's just put Sheena into every episode. Letting a candle. This week on Real Housewives of Atlanta. I may not be a Real Housewives of Atlanta, but I made more this year than I did last year. Was that Sheena? Yeah. Sheena on Atlanta? Well, I watched an Atlanta Braves game, so I don't know why I'm not on the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

I may be bubbly, but if Shea has more than one glass of me, he's in trouble. Whitney and my trainer are now turning off the podcast. Sorry, Elijah. Okay, so I always notice something new in the opening. And this week, I don't know why, but Cynthia Bailey never goes out of style. Girl, you don't go out of style like khaki pants don't they were never really in style but they're always on dads it's like a tommy bahama shirt well it was out of style either it just sort of exists in a certain market you're like what a pretty flower pattern for a golden girls pillow you know you know it's like why is that man wearing it it's like underwear yeah it doesn man wearing it? It's like underwear.

Yeah, it doesn't go out of style because you sort of need it. Although we don't really need Cynthia Bailey, so I don't know what she is. I'm always in style, like beige, because you can put any kind of furniture in me and it'll work. It's like, oh, Cynthia.

She's like suspenders. They don't really go out of style, but you don't always need them. You can find a workaround. And wearing them too much just makes you look fat anyway. It's like, I ain't hanging out with Cynthia. I'm going to look like the fat one. They're going to be like, who's that generic person with the fat guy? And if you wear them with shorts, people will be like, why are you wearing suspenders?

They question your existence. She is totally a pleated pair of dockers that's cynthia in a nutshell that's cynthia in a jc penny shell okay she's a macrame vest no because that's even a throwback to a better time she's just like always there because even when they had macrame vests they had khaki pants too maybe she's a dickie no dickies go out of style dickies come and go khaki pants are always no one knows if you're wearing a dickie that's the whole point the only thing that changes about khaki pants is like the waist you Yeah, the pleat and the waist cut. Like if it's a low waist or a high waist, mom jeans or Catholic school cut. By the way, it works.

I remember recently I was wearing a pair of non-pleated pants. My dad was like, why aren't they pleated? I was like, because pleats are not in. They look really bad. My dad's like, but they're classic. I was like, no, dad. No pleats. He's like, well, I think you should get pleats.

It's like a real sticking point for him. Same reason we're not all sitting around watching I Love Lucy, okay? It's over. Let it go, people. Let it go. Well, not khaki pants. Keep the khaki pants. I really like the dad waist on khaki pants. Like, when they're pulled up above the love handle, and then the pleat makes you look like you have the mom pouch i always think that's

so funny i'm like do these guys try these on like are they doing this on purpose because they're accentuating the pouch gotta accentuate the positive he limb and ain't the negative latch on to the affirmative don't mess with mister in between well now that we've discussed khaki pants fully i think it's time to go outside and enjoy the sun and you know the world bye thanks everyone for listening thank you patreon there's seven more candles um so i know we didn't oh. Okay, so we're still on the boat. Dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Boat, boat drama, Boatgate 2015.

I wrote down the first line because I promised myself to not write too many notes today so this wouldn't be 10 hours. Because, like, why does it need to be? But I had to write down the first line. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. right down the first line. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on! It was like my laundry lady realizing that one of her employees is pouring bleach in the wrong washer.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on! Oh my God, you just lit three menorahs. Full menorahs. That was 24 candles all at once. It was like those ladies outside of bars in Hollywood. Hata, hata, hata. Hata, hata. Want a hata?

Hata, hata. Hata, hata, hata. Hata, hata, hata. So good. So this weird fight between Portia and Cynthia, it's still not making sense. Like, if you thought a week of a break would help us make sense of it, I don't get it. Yeah. All I know is that if she stands up, it's going to be another situation.

You don't want me to stand up. You don't want me to stand up. Do you want me to get out of my seat? I won't stand up. You don't want me to stand up. Okay, please don't stand up. Please. I don't know what's going to happen, but it just stop saying it stop even saying standing up uh if i stand

up i'm gonna ask him another situation too if i stand by the railing never stand by the wall so then it turns into this weird attack where they're both saying random things like girl they're like not saying anything it's just gibberish at this point and then porsche starts poking cynthia on the nose which she paid a lot of money for that it's like tapping a key on someone's least bentley porsche yeah you don't yeah you don't do that so cynthia i don't know there was a threat of getting up i don't know what happened but then there was a kick sw So Cynthia swats the hand, right? Well, because Portia was like, is this how you want it to be?

Is this how you want it to be? Is this how it's going to be? Is this how you want it? She kept on saying it over and over and over again. Cynthia swats. Then Portia gets up, sort of. She sort of starts to rise. There was like a knee that's generally heading into the Bailey zone.

And so then Cynthiaynthia bailey does like my patented move from when i was nine years old which is i just a good old kick to the midsection get away that was my move you come near me and i kick at you so so funny so then you get a shot of 2d's face going which is basically 2d she drops a small Ziploc bag of snacks on the floor. Little nuts and raisins fall in slow motion and clatter on the boards of the deck. A granimal poops to the ground.

It's basically like the end of Usual Suspects when the coffee mug falls. It's just 2D looking at the fight and little trail mix descending onto the ground. Kaiser Sose is a granimal. I don't even know what a granimal is, but I can figure it out. I can figure it.

I know what it is just by you saying it. It's a graham cracker animal cookie. That's what I figured. It's like it has a broken leg, but then all of a sudden that part of the leg comes back to it. And it heads off to the it's like a animal oh my god we're gonna be here all day 2d looks at her library book on the cover it says something about bitch and then she realizes that when porsche said bitch she was just reading her library book cover it was all made up from the life oh kevin spacey remember when we all wanted to fuck you okay so this fight was so fucking funny because of course we all know

where it's going with that pointing starts on the nose you know yeah so then now they've just hired a football team for this show there's no such thing as like some fat pa eating a frito while the scene's shooting it's now a football team of people waiting for these bitches to go crazy so cynthia gets kicked and they don't attack i mean cynthia kicks porsche and they don't attack her they attack attack Portia because they know what's coming. And she gets tackled. Yeah, I swear to God, Cynthia had a taser in her shoe because when Portia went down, she was writhing underneath that PA. She was like, like her legs were like. Like freaking out, breathing hard, going crazy, shaking on the ground like the exorcist

oh my god that shit was hilarious the exorcist the devil except in this case the devil's trying to get out of her body and she's trying to keep it in that was like whoa it's eating split pea soup it's like please she's trying to turn her neck around The devil's like stop it stop it Gotta get out gotta get the tootie I'm sucking the soup off the floor Just please get me out of here I picked the wrong body No one ever thought about what the devil goes through

Oh god of all the bodies to get into He's like I was bodies to get into. He's like, I was trying to get into it. Riley, you don't choose your body. God's laughing. Like, ha, ha, ha. Tricked you. Candy's like, she just needs a deal, though.

I love how, like, Candy's on the other end of the boat being like, see? They're fighting. They're fighting over there. Candy's new favorite. It's not new because she's been doing it forever I don't know why I'm just noticing it but 2D Candy just scratches her weave line like right in the

corner of right in the middle of her head it's like something where the weave is stapled to her hair or whatever and whenever she gets confused or annoyed that finger it's like one finger annoyed that finger it's like one thing her index finger just scratches that weave and moves it around a little bit i laugh so hard because she did it like 10 times this episode she's like what scratch scratch scratch

scratch what do they know what happened What happened? And then, of course, Kenya makes it all about her immediately. She's like, I remember when this happened to me. I've seen her this rabid before when she attacked me for no reason at the reunion. Of course, Kenya just waiting for that moment. Well, you know, she's an animal. I mean, I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of that. It's not easy. Shut up.

Shut up, Kenya. So good. Keep going, though. Keep going, Kenya. Cynthia and Candy are talking, and Candy's like, what's going on? I wish I could get my voice that high, but I can never do Candy. You have to do that, okay? Okay.

I wish I could get my voice that high, but I can never do Candy. You have to do that. Okay. What's going on? Bob. Bob. Bob. What are you trying to find up there? Riley.

Kick her like that, Riley. We was trying to. So she's saying what happened, and Cynthia's like, well, she was in my face, and then I was trying to get her off me, and I kicked her candy goes oh so you hit her and then cynthia like whips her head around because candy's already already picking picking sides or whatever which you know is true i mean come on get off her ass lady you were just yelling at her about nothing like that made no sense yeah so everybody's so confused and then porsche we're all thinking at this point okay okay, Portia was just riding on the ground. But to be fair, maybe she, I don't know, is having a bad reaction to sugar.

I don't know what the fuck's wrong with Portia. Like, she's losing it. She learned a new fact. And she doesn't take new facts easily. She's like, more knowledge. At this point, the guy who tackled her is lying on top of her. Her legs are spread out, and he's lying on top of her with his entire body, all of his body weight. And they cut to the go-go boys, by the way.

The go-go boys are standing there with a concerned look on their face. I love that. Like, oh, dear, what about the go-go boys? I know. They're like, where's our dollars? I hope that they look in her pockets to see if there's any dollars before they kick her off this boat. Yeah. So we hear Portia start screaming.

She starts freaking out. She's lost everything. She's lost husbands and businesses and everything she has. And now she wants me to lose it too i'm like you already lost your husband you never had a business what is she worried about your lease she did not kick you so you'd lose your bentley lease okay weirdo and i don't know how like you getting kicked uh in the stomach and then winding up my lounge with a producer on top of you equates to you losing everything i mean i understand that when you later on got bruises,

you had to take three days off of work for your bruises, but I don't really think in general you're going to lose everything. I mean, I get that Kenya kicked in the house that Cordell could have put a baby in, but on the bright side, you are right now lying there with a man in between your legs. Make the most out of it, Tony. You could have turned this into a Hanukkah candle, and you didn't.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, Duke is gone. Just take... Get that Hanukkah candle lit. Light the menorah, baby. Spin the dreidel. So Candy and Sharae standing over there talking about the fight while it was going on was just making

me laugh so hard because Sharae's acting like she's so calm. She's like, what? They were fighting? Why were they fighting? Why would they do that? They don't even have any beef. They're like a hamburger at a vegan restaurant. No beef. Where's the beef?

I like also because Sharae, as I think we talked about this last week, she has two voices. She has a calm, she has like a calm cl has a calm she has like a calm clipped voice. Where she talks like this. And then she has like this weird guttural excited voice where she's like

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Later she comes into branch going What are you doing? What are you even saying? Sounds like she's throwing up. But I love Sheree.

At some point during this, I think it was at this part of the show, maybe it was when Portia was yelling things. I think it was when you were talking about right now how Cynthia is losing this or that. That's when um that's when uh sheree she just goes girl shut up i recorded it girl shut up oh no that was later at the brunch because uh they were trying to have a discussion and then it turned into kenya like now thank you oh we'll get to that later and sherry's like shut up well i mean it could work for any scene of the show really

because sherry's the great chorus at this point girl shut up says america yeah so in this part candy's just she lifts that finger to the weave again and she's like this is bullshit bullshit and then we cut to Kenya in the bottom of the boat comforting Cynthia who's freaking out she's like I can't believe I did that I'm not someone who does that who hits somebody

and Kenny goes honey I know what you mean because they were mean to me the whole time on this. But she turns everything into her. Everything into her. Like, I've been there, honey. Suicide hotline. You want to kill yourself?

Well, I'm sorry your father did that to you. But someone came to my party and drank the shampoo. I mean, if someone wants to kill themselves, it should be me, girl. Kenya, thank you for calling 9-1-1 what's your emergency my house is on fire well she race house isn't even built so maybe you could tell the fire to move over there and do this neighborhood a favor because neighbors are complaining peter and cynthia call cynthia i need to talk to peter oh yeah speaking of miscommunications and getting kicked in the stomach over and over again. She's like, you have to come home.

I'm sorry. This is the one time I think I've ever been on Peter's side. He does not have to go back all the way from Charlotte to Atlanta because you kicked Portia. The real reason why she wanted Peter to come back probably is because she was probably afraid there might be some legal ramification because you know these women are also trigger happy with calling the police and saying it's an assault it's an assault so she probably was like we need to circle the wagons and uh come up with a story peter why would you want peter as your witness he's like the worst witness ever he would never tell the truth he's like well yeah she she said a stomach hurt but it's not because she kicked her in the stomach.

It's because she got a knife and slit it and cut it and opened it up, and I'm sending coffee out of it. Bitter brew. It's like, what are you even talking about, you fucking moron? You're not testifying for anybody, okay, Peter? Be quiet. Never happened. He's like, you know, a lot of people get kicked in the stomach. It's what happens.

And so, you know, it's like, you know, when you play football, you get kicked in the stomach sometimes. And football, you know, it's football right here. So, you know, it's you know it's what happens and so you know it's like you know when you play football you get kicked in the stomach sometimes and it is football you know it's football right here so you know it's a lamb she just she just loved porsche and she wanted porsche to give her a foot massage totally innocent innocent he's awful so um and then i believe was this when tanya like comes upstairs oh no wait no this is when kim startsie Cries. This is when Kim Fields starts crying. I just wrote Tootie Cries, LOL. Yeah, she starts crying. But how could it go there? For some reason, I am loving Kim Fields on this.

I said it last week. I repeat it this week. I love how she is such a stark contrast to these women. She can't deal. I love when she's like, i just want to go on a boat with my book and my snacks it's have you ever known a teacher like do you know any teachers in real life yeah i know a teacher who lives here in la and when she first moved here she moved from the midwest and when she first moved here she was assigned to school in the public

school system and she you know of course when you're new they assign you to like the worst scariest parts of the city and she came back just looking terrified and she started crying and i said what is wrong are you okay it wasn't work nice and she said they're animals they're animals just that look on her face was what Kim looked like. She was like, oh my god, what are these people? What are they doing to each other? How could people be so cruel? I know, poor Kim feels she's normally around, I assume, normal people and not craven reality stars. But you know Blair and Joe went at it back in the day. Like, Blair got hairspray in Joe's eye

or something and Joe's like, you're looking wearing a bandana headband because that would have got me in the eye, bitch. And she's like, whatever. Whatever, mister. Whatever, sir. Oh yeah, you wanna fight? And then 2D was like, oh. I'm sure that Charlotte Rae

called Cloris Leachman a C-word once in a while, too, if you know what I'm saying. It's a little callback to the Golden Girls bonus episode. Tune in to find out what we're talking about. Mrs. Garrett, Tootie's a cunt. Whoa, spin-off, spin-off, candy shop, build the candy shop. It's kind of funny if you think about it. Tootie is so sheltered on this show.

It seems like she's been living under a rock her whole life, but she was there sharing the stage with George Clooney and Cloris Leachman and Queen Latifah in her career. And now here she is just on a boat crying with her snacks on the floor

oh and you know George Clooney is somewhere watching like oh Jesus poor Tootie he's like I guess I better put her in a role in Syriana 2 just to save her bigger better more Sy Siriana-ish. Tootie. Siriana. So Tootie gets deep. So Tootie's first she's crying and then she's like, I'll take my

kids and my book. And Sheree goes, you got another book? Sheree's mind is blown and then they cut at that point they did cut to the go-go dancer again and he was laughing this time it's like oh good

the go-go dancer's feeling better if you want to get a go-go dancer to laugh you can just mention a book works every time large print darling large print so 2D starts getting deep

and going through this monologue of how she just can't believe that people would treat each other like that fellow human beings charades just cracks at her love it so 2d goes tomorrow they're gonna wake up and they're gonna be sad when they think about what they did today and how they behaved i I'm like, no, they're not. They're going to wake up tomorrow and call their producer and say, you better make sure that shit was in there. Because if I got a bruise on my stomach for nothing, I'm going to be pissed. They're like, you take the good, you take the bad. You throw out the good.

And there you have the facts of Atlanta. Well, Tootie's fighting back with her hair. She's like, really? You want to see some personality? I'll change my hair. It's like, okay, Tootie, you go. You go, girl. So Tammy has disappeared.

Last we saw her, she was like doggy paddling in the water alone. With a life vest, yeah. With a life vest. And people were sick of Yeah. Alone. With a life vest. Yeah. You're with a life vest. And people were sick of her. My husband is a Nazi stories. So she's gone.

Yeah. But then we find out that she's been downstairs terrified the whole time. And she comes out like that kid in a horror movie that's been hiding under the bed the whole time. Well, my favorite thing is when she came out. She's like, they're like, they're like, like, Tammy, where were you? And she was like, I was in the bathroom. And she's like, I mean, you know, like changing and stuff. I was like, no, you were taking a shit, Tammy.

You were taking a shit during this entire thing. My husband ran over someone with a lawnmower one time and I missed the whole thing because I was pooping. So it's my thing. It's what I do. Her Rapunzel braid got sucked into the toilet by accident. Took some time to extricate it. So. Tammy.

Good old Tammy. Tammy's going to be fun. I'm excited for more Tammy. Next week, not to jump ahead, but next week, ooh, that's going to be fun when Sheree goes at it with Tammy. Did you sleep with Bob? What? Did you sleep with Bob?

Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? What? Did you sleep with bob what did you see with bob did you see what could you slow down and tammy is such a teenager i love her reaction to everything. She's like, oh, whatever. No, but okay. Like, good one, Tammy. Tammy should be a lawyer. She'd be like, objection.

Okay, Portia and Shamaya. Yeah. It is pronounced Shamaya, Ben. They said Shamaya today. I'm confused. They said Shamayaya actually shamiya okay so now we're at porsche and shamiya and it's this big dramatic scene it's like we're in the er which i mean we could be anywhere really we're a hundred miles from atlanta in porsche's

rental or whatever and uh they're trying to make it this lifetime scene where she's like, girl, how you doing? Portia's like, oh, I'm so sore. Shut up. And then mom comes over dressed to the nines.

Okay, this is after the boat stuff. After they went up on their little lifeboat and were like, bye, bitches, or whatever they said. Oh, what did they say? I think I was still laughing

so hard at Tammy. Like, is everything okay? Because I was so scared to come out of the bathroom i heard stuff out here it scared me they i don't remember they just said they they got on the little boat and they said something disparaging and sure i was like what is that who said that but then someone said something funny and then stray laughed no big deal so going forward to what you were saying sounded Sounded like the morning I slept in so my Nazi husband took an axe to the bed. So funny.

Have you heard my son's song, Frico Enrico? I don't know what it is. It's the dive, the dump, the jump. I don't know. So it's this Portia and Shamia scene, and they're trying to be all dramatic. And then, of course, look, they know how to do it on Atlanta. Sorry, Vicky Gunvalson, but Portia is getting a pity casserole. And, you know, her mom just happens to be stopping by with a buffet full of food.

She's like, could you help me empty the Explorer, honey? There's like a bus full of food out there. It was like a full-on craft service spread. Like she came in. I was like, man, this is a woman I need to have in my neighborhood. I'll be like, oh, I have a stomachache. All right, back up the gourmet food truck. She's going to take five hours to get ready as gorgeous as possible and then show up with an entire golden corral.

But I do see where she's going with that because we are in a Porsche scene. And so, you know, the football team is just standing off camera waiting to pounce. So she's got to feed a lot of people. Yes. I want to keep you boys big and strong so it's like a big victim thing and then samia is telling the mom she's like i just don't understand she's talking in that voice that you talk to your parents friends or your friends parents with when you've all done something wrong i just we didn't mean to steal your car. We just thought we were having a heart attack and we needed to get to the hospital and didn't want to wake you up.

Ma'am. She has that voice and she's like, I don't get it. It just came out of nowhere. Get out of here. You know what? There's a reason that your name is Shame with an A at the end. It's Shame spelled wrong. Shame on you. Shame on your name. Shame on you lying to Porsche's mom and still eating her free food shimmy yeah uh my favorite

part about this scene and i already mentioned it earlier was when porsche was showing her you know her injuries so she had bruises all along her arm which i think actually came more from the producer tackling her on the chair. And then she had allegedly a bruise on her stomach that you couldn't see on camera. So maybe there was a bruise there. She's like, yeah, I had to take off two days of work. I'm like, what?

Saturday and Sunday. I'm like, you were not in traction, okay? Get your ass to work. I mean, lol, she doesn't really have a job. But I can only imagine what her shady gay must have been thinking when he saw that. He must have been making – he was like sitting there patting his sweat away and looking off to the side all angry. She has a job.

How dare you? She has a job at Dish Nation and she drives an hour each way. Thank you very much. That's why she's rented a mobile home to go there in whatever that thing is she's driving okay so she my favorite scene of this is that porsche did her monologue i love when porsche gets dramatic because she goes full-on colorful purple it's like if squeak actually had a monologue in the color purple i was supporting her. Who this woman, Harpo? I have supported Cynthia.

I know everything about Peter. I could open the floodgates and drown Uncle Ben. Or whatever. Like, everybody doesn't have Instagram, okay? Yeah, exactly. Well, there's a reason why she was cast in A Mother's Love. I mean, she can do a monologue. It's probably exactly from mother's love yeah you know um the sad this is ridiculous this is wrong cynthia

you know the sad thing is that amidst all this craziness i actually think that porsche is kind of right i mean cynthia is like you know cynthia is going through shit she's like she is messed up in the head right now because she is with a loser just the way that cordell was a loser peter's a loser there's no no surprise that peter and cordell have gone into business together it's like loser and loser incorporated yep except in this case peter's not going to be the one changing the locks. It's going to be Cynthia this time. This time the woman has the locksmith phone number. And Uncle Ben's going to be out there like,

Cynthia, it's raining. In five minutes, I'm going to be rice. He's holding up a boombox outside. Except the boombox is made of Peter's brew brew boxes and the song is i don't i just want to fuck somebody else he's like i was strangling a teenager for fun but i love your can i borrow 20 dollars peter's brew so uh portia goes on her monologue and then she tells us, she's like, but I can't dumb myself down anymore. I'm like, you literally cannot dumb yourself down anymore. Like that's the first intelligent thing you've said in a year.

Exactly. She's like the scarecrow in The Wiz when the scarecrow, when Dorothy is like, or The Wiz says, oh, well, the fact that you know that you don't know everything means that you actually are smart. It's like, that's Portia. She's the scarecrow. She's like, I know I'm dumb. Portia in The Wizard of Oz is like the puddle at the end after they, oh, spoiler alert if you guys haven't seen it. But it's like the end when they throw water on the witch and she becomes a puddle. And she's like, I'm melting.

like the end when they throw water on the witch and she becomes a puddle and she's like i'm melting porsche would be the puddle there on the ground being like well i can't be any more of a puddle than it's like yes you've already been defeated okay stop talking your monologue is over now scene curtains i think porsche is definitely the scarecrow and the tin man would have to be and the Tin Man would have to be... I feel like Sharae. Phaedra. Oh, no, Phaedra. Because Sharae will cry. Like, I mean, Phaedra will cry,

but Phaedra's a fake cry. I don't believe a thing that's ever come out of Phaedra's mouth. I think Phaedra would be the... Yeah, Cynthia is the lion. Cynthia is obviously the lion. And... No, Cynthia...

You're just saying that because she stands for beige, you know, like khaki pants. No, because she's, like, cowardly. Like, because she stands for beige, you know, like khaki pants. No, because she's like cowardly. Like whenever she gets into a fight with someone, she always is like crying afterwards, you know. No, because the lion never just stopped in the middle of the road and started beating the shit out of Dorothy for no reason. Listen, the lion would beat up on the scarecrow if the lion could, okay? No, the lion is Tammy.

The lion is Tammy. He's like, I'm sorry I was in the bathroom. Oh, I just think Tammy's one of the munchkins. Ironically, because she's tall. You dropped a house on that witch. That was so cool. Nini is obviously the Wicked Witch. And Kim is probably one of those poppies.

Kim Zolciak, that is. A big, fat poppy that puts you to sleep. No, I think Nini is one of those evil trees that throws apples at the heroine. Because every time someone's doing well, Nini's out there with an apple throwing them. Or trying to strangle the people while they're on the yellow brick road. She's like a mean, angry tree. She's just loud and always trying to be the center of everything but at the end of the day she's just an old piece of bark and kim fields is the yellow brick road because she has big blonde hair and everyone's probably gonna walk all over her i was

gonna say toto just because she's always amazed like a dog like she's you know how dogs are always seeing something for the first time like a baby they're like wow something to smell something to smell it's like her she's just going down this road she has no idea why she's even on it but she'll follow these bitches anyway yeah i feel like it was kenya is she the whiz or is she darthi or no because she stays the same when you pull that curtain back like she's a fake bitch, but she's as much of a fake bitch in real life as she is. Her reality is as fake as her fakery.

Yeah, she's probably the wicked witch because if you throw water on her, she'll probably get you arrested. I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh, be quiet, Kenya. You're fine. It's just water. I'm melting! It's totally wicked where the witch is the the heroine in her own mind yeah she's like i'm a played by adina manziel

flying high defying gravity and who's glinda squash stopped you bitch stopped you stopped you so who's glinda like claudia jordan? Let's do 1776 instead. We've run out of cast members to be in The Wiz. So everyone, those roles have been eliminated. No more Good Witch, no more Wiz. They're just walking down a yellow brick road for the fun of it. Yes, and you know what? I think that we just lit our first positivity Hanukkah candle. There was never any conflict in The Wizard of Oz, so it was never made.

And then that lady who played Dorothy, which is the one in the movie? Oh, Judy Garland. Judy Garland didn't do The Wizard of Oz, so she didn't become as famous, so she didn't become a drunk. And she raised Liza to be happy, and so Liza never became a drunk. So Lorna Luft is happy. Now the whole family is happy, and they're too happy to sing sad songs for us. The world has been robbed of Liza! Did you just butterfly effect the wizard of oz i did and i just lit a hanukkah candle and then went back in

time and unlit it for the damage it caused quantum you quantum leaped it and then butterfly affected it yes hanukkah killed liza minnelli's career thanks a lot hanukkah great show great idea ben by the way my last my last comment on this is that I think that Deshawn Snow should be Dorothy. The nice person that everyone forgets. From season one. Dorothy's like, I'm having a fundraiser. And she raises like 25 cents. Oh, Deshawn.

Oh, Deshawn. Poor thing. The poor munchkins never get new clothes. Damn it! We're stuck in these striped socks forever. Thanks a lot, Dorothy, you loser! She gets cancelled. Before we teeter off into Oz ourselves. Where were we?

Who cares? The play-by-play of what happened on the boat. Yes, this was great. It takes a village to tell a terrible story. Oh my god, by the time they got to the end of this everybody was bloody and like you know like missing limbs i know so it starts with 2d who's 2d talking to you hold on let me get down here 2d was talking to phadra kim's like when did people turn so mean phadra's like hmm That lake is a mortuary on water

Mortuary with water on top And Tootie's telling it like And then They were so angry They rose up And then the first strike And Phaedra's like Mm-hmm

So what'd you guys order? Did you end up Did you get dessert? I hate when we leave before dessert, girl I hope none of y'all brought a book on board Then it cuts to Kenya telling telling aunt laurie and some friend named che why you name your kid che that's that's i mean that's a very controversial name che that man did a lot of very controversial things i don't know that you want to put your kid on either side i think that's one choice you

should let your kid decide later so kenya's telling it of course poor aunt laurie's must be always shocked when she watches this show because the way that kenya tells the story is always so different than how it really happened i know kenya's like i was merely stuffing envelopes with money to send to children in africa when all of a sudden Portia took out two giant knives and started swinging at all of us. She's like, I was married to Rob Lowe, and we had a beautiful, perfect life.

And then I started suspecting that he was crazy. So I started looking into it, and he was. But then he knew I knew, and he started chasing me through the house with the knife. It's like, okay, lifetime. Cut it out. Lori's like, okay, Lifetime, cut it out. Laurie's like, I think I've seen this with Meredith Baxter. I love then on Candy's side, Don Juan.

He just goes, he is like, he has got something up his ass this season. I mean, he always does, but there's like twice the amount of it this time. Because he just gets all in a tizzy about stuff he's not even involved with. I mean, we wouldn't know anything about that. But he really does. He just starts getting all mad. time because he just gets all in a tizzy about stuff he's not even involved with i mean we wouldn't know anything about that but he really does he he just starts getting all mad he gets all tom and jerry with with candy i'm like don juan he's like what do you have to do with her it's like screaming yeah he's like i'm 10 months pregnant. It's like, time won. And Candy's so good at telling a story because everyone else is telling their own stupid live version.

And then, well, not Tootie, but she's telling kind of an innocent version. And then it cuts to Candy. And Candy's like, and then the bitch pulled off her shoe and smacked her in the face with it. It was amazing. They're like cheering over at candy's house so good uh and then uh let's see here candy retelling amazing i wrote kenya out of protecting herself

cuts and bruises and broken ribs oh yeah phaedra telling it she's like girl poor poor portia had a cut from the beginning of her vagina all the way to her chin she was missing an arm she was bleeding from the butt and she had a bruise on her knee and Tootie's like wait a second I didn't see anybody get filleted and she's like that's what I heard that's going in the report to the judge in the morning Aunt Lori's terrible advice she needs to be a radio doctor she would just send people like right onto the freeway i think what you should do is have another party so that you can all be one again and realize that there's no negativity you've seen this show aunt laurie like how many seasons have you been on now do you see what happens when these women all get together

see nah and laura have it at uh have it at kenya's house so she can finally have that when these women all get together. See? Nah. And Laura. Have it at Kenya's house so she can finally have that thing demolished properly and start anew. I don't want this to be a setback. Kenya is so full of shit. Okay. She's trying to be like Dr. Phil over here. Peter shows up back at Cynthia's condo.

That's what I'm calling it these days. He pulls up in a chauffeured car, and I was like, you know it's a shooting day, when that's not like a Hertz rental. Yeah, exactly. It's not a Dodge Dart. So he immediately chooses Porsche's side. Yeah, he's like, well, how badly did you hurt her?

She's like, would you stop saying that? And he's like, well, how badly did you hurt her? She's like, would you stop saying that? He's like, well, so? Like, how much Peter's Bruce should we send her? No, no. Could you stop saying that I hurt her? Like, this is on TV. I don't want there to be a lawsuit. Oh, so we won't talk about how much you hurt her.

Peter, stop it. Did you feel the hill in the back of her spine? Tell me. What was it like to hurt her so bad? stop it. Did you feel the hill in the back of her spine? Tell me. What was it like to hurt her so bad? Stop it. Did it feel good to make her bleed on the inside? How did it feel to make her reproductive organs fall apart? Peter.

I'm going to write a book about it called Bloody on the Inside. Oh, it's like me. She's like, yeah, because you have blood inside of you. Stupid. Oh, it's like me. She's like, yeah, because you have blood inside of you. Stupid. Oh, yeah. Well, the thing that came out of the scene is that A, Peter's dumb. B,

Cynthia's dumb. And C, these people are meant for each other because Cynthia's like, you know, all I really needed was my husband. And he was there for me. And I actually feel like this kind of brought us closer together. It's like, what like what well it's the one time Cynthia's admitted that she's ever been wrong so even though it had nothing to do with Peter he got to be there to see it and so it counts he's like look at you admitting you did something wrong so wow let's make out like the

first time she's ever admitted anything because she is never wrong but anybody who has ever been mad at me please gather round so i can admit that i was wrong this one time on something stupid cynthia so candy and dr jackie boring okay so this scene when we're talking about to the depths of probable stoop that was in our subscriber question yeah this is pretty low i thought where they go to see the baby and first of all dr jackie Jackie is in scrubs and not wearing a polka dot dress or something fashionable. She's like, I already did the first scene. Now I'm back to work. Because that's what I do.

Work. So she's there. Candy's getting the baby, check up on the baby. And the machine starts going over her stomach, which I think is freshly shaved because she had like shave bumps on her stomach. And I was like, poor Candy can never win on this show. So they're like shaving her stomach or whatever. And then they decide to listen to the baby and they can't hear anything.

And she's like, she's like, see? Nah, baby. Where you at, baby? And the baby's just all quiet. That's probably riley was in the womb too she's like i'm here right it's like could you please get that thing off your mind the womb thanks but um those headphones off of your stomach they're hurting my ears

so i'm just imagining fetus fetusus Riley has like a little stage inside the womb. See, now we give Riley a stage in the womb. Even on the mic, you can never hear her. She's like. Riley, turn up the microphone, Riley. We love Riley. But the thing is, okay, So in the middle of this, it's like a potentially scary moment,

at least the way they edit it. Is Candy's baby dead? We'll be right back after this detergent commercial. Yeah. And then Todd is like, Oh, I got to take a phone call. I'll be outside.

And it's like, what Todd? Like, what are you doing? Taking a phone call during your wife's like checkup? Well, pressing ignore doesn't bring a baby back, Ben. Okay? In fairness to men.

True. Candy's like, thanks a lot. So then they eventually hear this. Darth Vader. She's giving birth to Darth Vader. Dun, dun. There are a lot of Star Wars tie-ins, but I was not expecting one with her womb.

Candy, the only person with a successful housewives business on this show is making Star Wars. She's like, I'll fix Star Wars. Got an endorsement from LucasArts. But it has a lot in common. In the end, it's all like parental issues, you know? Yeah, that's true.

So anyway, that scene was like a nothing. The baby's alive. Yeah, the baby's alive and it's Darth Vader. And then it turned out to be alive and then they were looking at it and then Todd came back in. He's like, oh my God, babe. The baby's already tall as me. That baby's tall. See, babe?

Next scene. Okay, so baby already as tall as Todd. Okay, candy echo laugh. They did some weird thing at the end of this scene where she's like, and then they made it echo. That almost made me snarf. That almost made me snarf, Ronnie.

I was sipping on my starbucks and i swear to god that i literally just almost snort but you're what was that it was so creepy that's what she always does but why would they repeat it three times it was so crazy it was like the end of a horror scene. I'm like, we did just look at a baby, right? You guys had us worrying about, like, fetal death. I can't. Todd's business deal, his height. And now it's ending with this creepy thing. Okay, Phaedra and her kids.

She's, like, pretending she's ever there. Okay. Phaedra was like, Aiden remembers because he's old enough. But Dylan, you know, he was so young. All he knows is that there was a shadowy figure walking around with a a screw gun without a head in it he's gonna grow up his whole life wondering who that man was and what he was trying to screw in without a screw head you know what i mean oh sad yeah i actually felt like after the boat scene,

so many of the scenes in this episode were just nothing. Nothing happened this whole episode. It was like, okay, there's Aiden making a snow cone. Aiden, who is still so cute and so smart. I love that little boy. It was just like one

scene after another. Was it just me? Was nothing happening this episode? Nothing really happens on the show. They just scream and yell. And then in the middle of it, they go, we need to have a time where we can make up. And then they make up. And then they all hug. And then they go scream and yell the next week someplace else.

Yeah, because then there was like a scene of Portia and Kenya. They like go to like a dessert place. And they are sort of fighting, sort of not. And there's this family from the Midwest sitting behind Kenya staring at them. They keep turning around while they're chewing.

Did you see that? It was at the food court. What restaurant was that? They were at some dessert place at a food court it was like big and there were a lot of people and there were a lot of continuity errors because you could see everyone around them it was like the one time they shoot a housewives conversation where other people are in the restaurant and so you could see it was like midwest family every time they cut to

kenya midwest family midwest family then suddenly asian girl then midwest family midwest family then asian girl and the person sitting behind portorsche was all actory he was like yes like pretending that he was really deep in his conversation he's like yeah bro yeah thinking about it and you can tell he wants to be on camera he loitered there because there were like three different tables that went past kenya but there was that one guy behind porsche the entire time waiting for the fight to break out i just thought it was so funny that they're fighting in the food court because those bitches ain't going to pay. So you know they're going to meet somewhere like, okay, I'll meet you at Sbarro's for this fight. Because we are not going to go to Fig and Olive today, okay?

Yeah. So, I mean, basically the gist of that scene was Kenya was doing this faux sympathy to Portia. She's like, I want to make sure you're okay. You know, I want to make sure. I want to, like, have this thing. And Portia's like, I don't trust you. So my Portia impersonation, I don't know why I try it every single week. I used to have one.

I used to have my own. Mine is terrible, too. But it sometimes sounds like her. When she gets really mad i know um yeah so kenya's trying to be the doctor and then porsche is being defensive and she's like crying because kenny's mean and then they're like trying to work it out but kenya's such a bitch and porsche i have to hand it to porsche because in the fight on the boat really i thought she was going to keep calm until she went full on hulk but

she did she did lose it but it took her longer and you can see that she's trying to not lose it yeah you know like and she's right she was right when she's talking to kenya which is like i don't trust you i don't trust your motives and you know you were the one who created a negative energy in the first place but you know whatever it was hilarious that kenya kind of starts all this shit by being shady behind everybody's back and then it blows up and then she's like see i'm here to help it's like a doctor who's always knocking people in the knees with a baseball bat so he has someone to you know charge for a cast fucking kenya so kenya is trying to fix everything out and finally she just has to talk on porsche's level it's like look you got in a fight you say you're sorry.

Cynthia doesn't know what to say. It's like if you kick everybody in the stomach, right? If you kick somebody in the stomach and you don't say you're sorry, then you're going to not have anybody to kick in the stomach next time because Portia's not going to be there. If you say you're sorry, she'll come back and you still have somebody to kick in the stomach. Otherwise, you're just going to be at parties kicking innocent people in the stomach and it all kind of made sense in the circle and they all decided that they would let

kenya broker this very important deal in the middle east yeah well he's like can't we send our rebel forces it i'm like just stop no one even understands what this war is about i mean it is very similar we're like all these forces fighting but we're like what's the prize like a terrible rental 100 miles from town a husband who leaves you and cheats get out of here you both lose okay now hug a tootie is looking so uncomfortable nobody will talk about it with her and she's trying to be the mom but people don't work things out like that on this well she's like i want to get through this as quickly as possible because I got to get to carpool. Yeah, carpool!

I've missed carpool so much, I'm just pretending I'm in it right now. I'm just sitting here and letting this all pass over me like it's all a good thing. Someone just give me a Sesame Street steering wheel. I'm going to put it on the table, and we're all going to be in my imaginary car. I'm going to turn my back to you guys. I want you to pull down the screen above you and watch The Little Mermaid until we get home. Okay? Oh, you know she hates how this is interfering with carpool.

Oh, God. She's just like sitting there pretending to honk the horn. She's like, oh, those kids will be out soon, those little rascals. What is she doing? Handing out little boxes of Five Alive to everyone at the table why does she keep slamming her tuna steak she's like sorry someone was not moving in front of me because they were on their phone in the carpool line so that's how that goes like in the middle of the conversation she flings her arm out onto candy's chest she's like almost had to stop short she's like whoa

putting on my yellow vest and slowly bringing down a stop sign in the middle of the road. We're going to let some children cross. All right, everybody take a deep breath. What are you listening to? Why aren't you paying attention? It's a book on tape. Mommy time. Mommy time.

So Sheree finally comes in. She's like, I'll do it. I can't do it. They're all kind of hugging you. And that way you kind of lean back and hug. It's like you're pulling it to you, but also pulling away from it.

Deep. Notice how they made her sit all the way at the end of the table. Like, friends of have to sit at the very ends of the table. The main cast is always in the center. Because there were a whole bunch of seats next to Tootie. And Sheree comes in, and she sits all the way in the corner. Like, oh, they put Sheree in the corner. Nobody puts Sheree Ray in the corner.

Well, no one wants to sit by Mom either, because she's just sitting there. You know she's going to yell at everybody. It's like, someone didn't clean the counters. You know, it's like, I found the crumbs behind the cookie jar. Nice job cleaning the counters, kid. So they sit down, and it's totally silent. And Tootie's like, now that we're all together, I would love talking about the other day. I went to a library i picked out a

book it was stamped with the date that date is now blurred because you bitches splashed water on my bug i don't even know when it's due back or if i'm gonna be able to finish that bug they're like uh yeah shut up 2d so they go talk privately and then their private talk was like i have no idea what happened me neither um okay i think it was your fault okay yeah it was your fault okay we agree that it's your fault totally agree that it was your fault okay so let's go back to just like i guess dealing with each other until dinner's over okay great and then everybody applauds and then candy meanwhile outside, you know, because Kenya is talking about whatever. And Candy's like, see, nah, Kenya, like, you're real good at pointing out what other people did wrong.

But you don't really necessarily like it when people tell you about what you did to a situation. And Candy's like, well, Candy, I feel like maybe, like, you don't have my back. She's lucky to have an advocate like you. I wish that you could have been my advocate when I was getting kicked in the face. Mike, you're just proving her point. You realize this. Kendi's an idiot. I love it.

And Kendi is not taking her shit. And I would also like to point out that I'm not sure if the first episode opened like this, but Candy is now holding the center peach. Was she that before? Wasn't it Kenya before? I never pay attention. I think that after that time when Kenya was like, don't mess with the queen, honey, and then now Candy just told Kenya to shut the fuck up,

it's like they're passing the peach around. They're like, okay, Candy has the talking peach. She has the center peach. Well, someone better make sure they don't drop a rock on someone's head. Jesus, take the wheel and drive fast. That's Phaedra. I'm excited for next week. Next week, they're going to Miami and it looks like all shit hits the fan.

All the shit hits the fan. 2D better watch out. Yes. And you know who also better watch out? The Cynthia that is on the front of cynthia's shirt because she was wearing the shirt with her own face on it that was what i was paying attention to the most i'm like i think it was for the bailey agency i think it's at the bailey agency under it i could be wrong but i was like why are you wearing a t-shirt of yourself not only is it the past that you're probably wearing also on new boobs.

It's like you're wearing evidence of your old face. That's never a good thing. It's like leaving fingerprints behind on purpose, Donnie. I think it's her same face. I think she's just not in tip-top model shape anymore. And, you know, it could look like a different face when it's, like, rumpled over your boobs, you know? What if she drops mustard or something on her face it's like her old face just like covered in shit you know like what are you gonna wear a bib don't wear your own face what if voodoo

dolls are real you're just hurting yourself that's it for atlanta well ben i would like to talk about something with you yes i would to. I'm very open to hearing about it. Shall I get myself ready to hear about it? I really hate when people from the outside world start talking about something, and, like, a topic that I'm interested in, and then I have to go home and search for it, and then I have to, like, find a decent article, and then if I find a magazine,

I click on the magazine, and then all these ads pop up, and I'm watching videos about paper towels, like, healing people's lives. And I never get the story. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee.

What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more.

She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th. Or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries'

Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat or be eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself.

But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life

and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus.

Don't you hate it when you just can't find the premium content you want and are wasting time finding it? You know, there is a solution for that, Ronnie. What is it? There's Texture, the best way to read all your favorite magazines anytime, anywhere. That is so exciting, Vin. Texture is the app that gives you

an all-access pass to the world's best magazines right on your phone or tablet browse hundreds of magazines and cherry pick the articles that you and that interest you the most the texture editorial team recommends stories for me daily plus their curated collections let me dive deeper into my topics there's nothing like flipping back on your iPad between a Kim Kardashian facial horror show and real terrorism over time or Newsweek or whatever. It's actually really helpful because for people who like to cook,

I think that Bon Appetit, there are several food magazines that are on there. So if you're looking for recipes, it's great because you can just have them on your iPad or your phone and just have it in the kitchen. Anyway, sign up. That's actually literally what we do because my mother is a cook and she's a chef and she has books stacked up. And I got her an iPad a while ago and tried to get her to use it. And she'll use it to play solitaire and ignore the rest of us. It's like a babysitter for a mother.

But she won't cook yet on it. So i finally got her a little stand for her ipad and i got her tixja and she actually uses it for the first time for that flip right through like a real magazine y'all so sign up for texture right now and in mere seconds gain insider access to the very best reads plus exclusive content with full access to the top magazines across just about every interest texture is the one present they'll open again and again the best part texture is offering our listeners a free trial when you go to texture dot com forward slash crappins even better givexture as a gift between now and December 31st. Think about that.

You'll gain unrestricted access to the world's best magazines from back issues to the one on newsstands today. So, in other words, if you get your free trial, not even pay anything, you can sit there. Each magazine costs like, what, six bucks, seven bucks? You can read unlimited amounts of them and they're all current yeah it's it's really good um order this fantastic gift for you or a loved one before december 31st yes try texture for free right now when you go to texture dot com slash crappins that's texture dot com slash crappin so do you want to touch on top chef a little bit we don't have to go into full-on recaps yet because the show is so much food right now.

And we're not really even sure what the personalities are. I was super sad about the second episode of Top Chef because I never got to see the overly nice person go crazy. What? Sassy Chef? Oh, Sassy Chef. Whenever somebody says, I'm the positive sassy one i see no reason to be miserable let's be happy i just want to see their lives ruined and she got kicked off i didn't get to see it i know i kind of felt bad i wish she'd stuck around a little bit more because she showed a good amount of personality um i uh I was laughing when they showed pictures of her.

At one point, she was talking about how she has, she's like, I have a garden where I grow things at my restaurant. And they show these pictures of her in like a chef's jacket, wearing nothing underneath. I was like, what the hell is going on here? She's like, I'm the sexy chef.

Yes, because she lost, I think, 30 pounds or something. And as happens with anybody who loses any kind of weight i mean for me it could be like literally a pound and i'll fuck the neighborhood but usually people lose like 10 or 15 pounds and then suddenly they're in bikinis it's like really like you didn't you don't have to hate your body but i don't need you loving it so much on my facebook page either calm down down over there, sexy chef. Yeah. Think about your vagina while I'm trying to get vegetables down.

I know. I wanted the Mexican team to lose because they were really cocky, and I really love when – Okay, Mr. Trump. You just keep going there. You want the Mexican team down. They didn't ask for advice from the chef Garcia, and they should have. And, well, thankfully, Kwame saved them. Finally, Kwame got a little bit of respect from the judges because he deserved some respect on the previous episode.

Yeah, they gave him respect for saving the team. That was funny when they're like, would you all have? So for those of you who don't watch, Top Chef was kind of restaurant wars, but they didn't have to build a whole restaurant. This time they did a pop-up shop, and it was Ludo. He's like, hello. The pop-up shop is where we ever are. It is like all this palette for the chef. Okay, Ludo.

Calm down over there, Ratatouille. Ratatouille. So they all had to do a pop-up shop and they had an expert, i.e. chef with an agent, teach them how to do it and stuff. So it was like all these famous smiley, fucking facialed chefs. I don't like my chef smiley with facials.

I want him to stink and be pissed. Yeah. Chefs are. Like Sang Yoon, etc. so they were split up into doing uh persian food korean food mexican food and um vegan food so the vegan team lost which was funny because the only one who seemed to be really embracing the vegan challenge was what's his face philip is that his name um well and also the vegan chef the the girl the girl that got kicked off what's her name yeah they yeah exactly they both were embracing it but

um grayson had this terrible attitude you know grayson rocky returns like we didn't even have to wait for a below deck to end yeah she really needed to get over it and and the funny thing is that on top chef masters a few seasons ago there there was one challenge where I think the chefs had to cook for Zooey Deschanel and they had to cook vegan food for her. I think that's what it was. And everyone was like, vegan food. And so everyone like made salad, you know. And I'm sorry. It was a cop out to make a green bean salad.

Grayson, I stood up for your meatball. Okay. I stood up for it. But it's a cop out to make a green bean salad Grayson I stood up for your meatball I stood up for it but it's a cop out these days vegan food is not the way it was in the 80s where you think of it as like grains and lettuce

there have been a lot of advances in vegan food it doesn't have to be fake meat either just what you can do with a cashew cream, for example. I was vegan for a second, and there's actually delicious, very complex food. Like it's hard to make. You have to actually learn how to make it

because you're using nuts for the milk and fresh squeezing your... Yeah, and they should have asked their little ambassador about that too i mean so here in los angeles we have some actually great vegan restaurants we've had some great vegan restaurants for a while that are not like you don't feel like a freaking hippie going into them i mean if you go into this cafe gratitude you do because every every dish on the menu is called the i am enlightened or i am positive or i am renewed and you order it's ridiculous you order a dish you're like i'll have the i am enlightened or i am positive or i am renewed and you order

it's ridiculous you order a dish you're like i'll have the i am enlightened please and it's just you're mortified but like gracias madre have you been to gracias madre no it's i like that one better it's like thanks mom okay there's a there's a restaurant i'm i am enlightened go fuck yourself with your fucking cashew cream get Get out of here, enlightened. But it's actually, Gracias Madre is actually owned by the same people as Cafe Gratitude. But Gracias Madre is so good. It's not pretentious at all. And it is like delicious, delicious food. And it's just an example of vegan being a cuisine, not a diet.

And so when Grayson is just sitting there smirking and being like, I need meat. I need meat. I don't know. I actually thought that was not offensive. It just was so unbecoming. It was just she's a child. She's a little baby. And it's the same thing like Rocky.

Like you can't even hate her because she's not even hateable. She's just so stupid and immature that you want to smack her. You know, what are you doing here? It's your second time on the show, and this is how you come back? You're going to argue over a green bean salad that tastes like shit? Even you said it tasted like shit. Like, what are you going to argue about, Grayson? Seriously.

Exactly. It's not my passion, so sorry, but, like, vegan food, gross. Not my passion, so whatever. There are, yeah, there are, are like a lot of ways to do some pretty i think easy vegan stuff i mean i think if you use like coconut milk y'all ever roast a brussels sprout i mean for fuck's sake make up all salmon have you ever made mashed potatoes like what is so hard about it not everything we eat in the world has meat in it what is so difficult i don't get it and that guy on the persian team, he made like a carrot, right? He did a carrot thing over hummus, right?

Like, I think that's what he did. But the point is this. She was just really uncreative. And she was blaming it on the genre. And it was really just something that I think any chef should have been able to do. But I think some of the chefs, because I remember on Top Chef Masters, they had a real problem with it, too. I like that the judges stand up to her but they still keep wrong because they have to they're like well grayson is fighting with you for no reason so

i guess keep her because she should be out you make shit meatballs the first week and yes i was there and yes they were shit meatballs i mean like their meat but they were literal meatballs with ragu get out of here i liked them but she argues then this week she makes green beans with no salt and then they still keep her after she argues get rid of the bitch yeah i um you know the thing is that chefs deal with so many assholes in their life that seeing her being petulant probably doesn't make too much of an impact it should because you can't be like that and be a chef you cannot run an an entire staff and be like that. You can't even be like, when you're a line cook,

you'll get your ass kicked out of the kitchen the second you start fucking crying. What do you think this is? Get out of here. This is not an easy industry, woman. You cannot just stand around sobbing all day and pretending that you can do things if you're inspired enough. And then when she said, yeah, even at home,

I don't even enjoy cooking. I do it when I have to. I'm like, why are you a chef? Yeah. Jesus. Well, and then I liked also when the sassy chef was like, well, I didn't want to just make a salad. So I did this. And then she's, then Grayson's like, hey, thanks a lot, by the way.

Like, I'm standing right here. It's like, shut up, Grayson. Just relax, okay? Thanks for saying I wouldn't make a salad when you know I made a salad I'm like Grayson have you ever seen a cooking show do you know what always happens at cooking shows people who make salads get made fun of

always your salad didn't make people want to barf after she said that it was after they ate your salad like let's keep the blame where the blame lies and it's with your salad you dumb bitch. So she's an idiot. And the reason I guess I'm like all Don Juan angry about it is because people really work hard.

I mean, this show can make your career. And these chefs work their ass off to get on this show year after year. And then they bring this idiot back who doesn't care. And she says she doesn't even like to cook. What are you doing here? Get out. I liked her on Texas. I was sad when she left, so I'm very disappointed in Chet's attitude.

I've reversed back into time, and now I'm happy they kicked her. I just wish we could see that every week, is her ass just getting kicked off every week. I'm sure it's on YouTube. What did you think about our favorite Giselle over on the Korean team? Which one's Giselle? She's the one who was a one's Giselle? She's the one who was a bitch to us.

Oh, yeah. Well, I definitely saw how her personality is and it totally makes sense. Like when that guy says she just thinks out loud. Like she's neurotic and she thinks out loud.

Because that's how she was with us. She wasn't mean. She was more like getting offended in real time. Like she couldn't hide the mask. I was starting to think

that she was... I was trying to think that she was i'm starting to think that we were misreading bitchiness for just confusion because i think she gets confused because because i think when we when i was like oh was someone else in petrosian on top chef once she's like no no i mean i don't think so no. I'm like, oh, she wasn't being a bitch. She just was so confused. She seems very defensive. Like she's always ready to fight, but you're not fighting about anything. All she was asking was, yeah, I don't really know a lot about this food. So I was thinking squash.

But oh, my God, you guys won't let me go down for squash. You guys will have my back, right? You're not going to screw me over, right, guys? And they're like, okay, so you're basically insinuating that we're all after you, and no one's even said hot dog yet. Like, come on. I am pulling for, well, on the Korean team, the James Beard lesbian, she made the really flavorful galbi,

and she was the one whose food I liked the most at our tasting thing. And so I am pulling for her. I am because she obviously knows how to cook. So I am pulling. I can't really tell yet. Right now I'm just looking mostly at their personalities because none of their food really looked good. And it's one of those episodes where I felt bad for the judges

because, look, it's hard enough to get down some food. I mean, I'm trying to think which of that food I've eaten. What was it again? It was Korean. You know I don't like Korean at all. I love Korean. But if you don't know how to make Korean, that's not – I mean, that's a specific – it's pretty specific as far as how you cook it.

Really dry. And there was no cold potato salad just randomly sitting in the middle of the table like a table like a basket of bread so good so good there wasn't a fly crawling over potato salad so that wasn't a real korean restaurant you know who i like actually um i'm liking the girl who made the dessert like the some sort of saffron or pistachio whatever it was dessert she's the one who works at like that g place in D.C. And in the picture they showed of her, there was the guy from last season of Top Chef,

the Greek guy who was eliminated and came back and almost got far. He had the really, really bad slick back hair. Anyway, I like her. I like her a lot, too. I like her, too. I like her because she's got that lebanese thing going on but also because um i'm kind of trying to forgive her because i want to like her because she's chubby and she made dessert and i look i love a person who's like yeah i'm chubby i know how to make dessert i fucking love dessert and then she makes a good

dessert because that never happens on the show me too i love that beneath me yeah i love that she did that yeah me too and especially in contrast to that vegan idiot who ended up getting kicked off on vegan week lol bye bitch it also goes to show like the girl who lost 40 pounds had to talk herself into believing that she was eating food that she liked but then once she made it they were like this is literally terrible it's like baby barf they must have really hated it because honestly grayson's dish looked so average that that sassy chef had to have made something absolutely terrible but you know what like interesting idea sorry it didn't work out every episode i just wrote down gail patterns every episode it's almost like a joke now like this week i think she had ducks on her shirt or her skirt so speaking of restaurants should we go over to

west hollywood we can but just wait a moment i have to point this out please the dumb girl when she got kicked off whose bitch flower never bloomed yes they say what do you learn and she said well i learned that cooking under a time restraint isn't for me yeah yeah wow have fun customers and then pat was pretending to cry with her navajo bullfighting motorcycle jacket it's like this show is hilarious ludo looks totally stoned he's like i don't know that your food maybe it was too spicy and the He's like, I don't know about your food. Maybe it was too spicy. And the guy's like, yeah, I like spices. And he's like, oh, okay then. You like the spice?

Good talk. Before we get to Vanderpump Rules, let me tell you a little bit about Workout New York. So I watched the first episode. It's okay. It's okay. I would still tune in just to, you know to maybe I'll continue to sample it one or two episodes it follows trainers in New York

and they have this thing where they're like they're all trainers but they all seem to work out in the same gym I think like production rented a gym space for them there is the like the main girl is this like sassy like half black girl who is super annoying and she's like the main girl is this sassy half-black

girl who is super annoying and she's like, I have a great butt. When people ask me where I'm from, I'm like, heaven. She says shit like that the entire episode. She's really hilarious and she's not. She's just very

annoying. Unless they've hired a cab driver to drive her ass over I have no interest and then so then her best friend is this guy named Courtney who's this like gay black guy and he he's like really annoying I find he like I feel like

he could he there will be an aspect to him that's really endearing but for right now it feels like he's coming on really strong for the cameras because he's all about the shibonics. You know, he's like, anytime someone walks in the door, he goes, work, yes, work.

I'm like, oh my God. He like yells at a crossroom every single time. Work, go, work, get sassy, go. And then he's also really bad about reading the lines in his interview. He'll be like, people pay top dollar to have a body like this, but they can't all have this body.

You're like, oh, God, can you read your lines? Actually, they literally can if they go work out. I mean, they might not have your exact body, but pretty close. I mean, you all look the same. Get over it. Yeah. So people have different curves all right i'm i'm very defensive about this show i'm liking it keep going so he and and so the

other girl they're like besties i forget her name her name is like lulu or lala also she's like another lala or leila or something that's how dumb we're getting in this world we don't even name our children anymore we're like they're just singing they're just singing lessons at this point so yeah they're both like when they talk to ramey this is my daughter to ramey um so then she um she has a boyfriend who's a trainer and his name is brad and he's like an ass he's like a jealous asshole like she talks to another trainer and he's like, shut the fuck up, Leon. I don't want to fucking talk to you.

I'm mad at you. It's like really fake, you know, like a fake anger. There's something about the numerology and the name Brad. Is there a Brad that's not a raging douche? If you know one, email us. I'd love to know. I think his name is Brad. I mean, I can look up the cast, but it's not really worth it. Name shame.

Name shame. Then there's like this jacked lady, lesbian-ish. I think she's a lesbian. You got jacked! She's all covered in sores. She's like the nice one, and she doesn't yell at her clients. She's

encouraging, and she is like the star of Flywheel, and the star of... She's like encouraging. And she is like the star of flywheel and the star of like, she's like a Nike master trainer and all this stuff. And everyone loves going to her spin class. So that's nice. I just want to be the person on workout who walks around going, why do you hate yourself? So then there's also this girl named like,

I think name is not Leanne, but it's like Leah or something like that. She lives in Queens. Voila. Leanne. She's the outsider. She wants to be a dancer and now she wants to be a fitness star. And she's like a little bit of the – she's the poor one who lives with her family. I mean they're all poor.

And then there is – People in New York don't work out as much. That's a rougher place to be a personal trainer. You have to go get people at their biz there. Yeah. And then there's a guy, Noah, who's super hot. And he's just super hot. That's basically his thing.

He's going to train Miss USA. And then the last guy is this guy. I think his name is Joe. So he used to work at Prada. And then he decided to become a trainer. But he loves fashion. And Courtney hates Joe. First of all, he shames Joe for his, like, workout routines, which is there's a bunch of, like, jumping.

Which to me, I'm like, that would make me pass out. I'm like, hello, I just threw up doing leapfroggy things while tied to a rope. Okay? But Courtney's like, what is that? He's not a real trainer. So, um, she's like, you're doing pushups. That's so cruise ship. Yeah.

You're like the Walmart of personal trainers. Okay. Do you want me to get you like some of those little things you put on the floor to do pushups on? Yeah. So, so, but the, so the thing is that like got an ab roller. It's like the most hackiest, terrible things. So Courtney is mad at Joe because Joe does a lot of metrosexual things

that make Courtney question his sexuality. He's like, I always want to know. He always says these things. And that really bothers Courtney. Well, I would need to know if this gym has a private steam room because any man who needs to spend all day in an all men's steam room is getting blowjobs. So you should be questioning that shit. The answer is in the steam room.

Look at the tiles. Exactly, Courtney. Courtney, you're like a hot guy. You don't have to like interrogate him. Just make a move. So, yeah, because Joe walks – he'll like show up in like some, he is like, Joe is cocky and he is also annoying and he wears like designer shoes and stuff like that. And there's also, by the way, there's this other trainer who has red hair and she's like

a little, she's like, whatever. She hurt her leg. So then, so then the big, the big climactic issue is that Joe, um, is starting a business and then, uh, Layla, whatever is like, where did you get your money? Why do you have money? Why do you have so much money? What's the deal? And Joe's like, well, I think it's kind of rude to talk about my finances.

She's like, no, I'm not asking about your finances. I'm just asking where you get your money. And he's like, I'm leaving you, bitch. Bye. That was the episode. Okay, nice. Poor people confronting each other about money. Yeah.

I feel like it's a stupid show, but I feel like we could probably make fun of it pretty well. So, you know, maybe check it out this week. There's a lot of stupid people. Okay, I'll watch it this week. I didn't know. I called for my show list and it wasn't on there. No, it's okay because I wasn't...

I didn't want to... We have so much to talk about. I wanted to sort of not be obligated to talk about it if I was getting behind and watching the shows. But as luck would have it, I... Well, it's Christmas time and it's the time of the year to feel that raging hate that's inside of me bubbling up, coming to the surface. It's almost time to just let it out.

Christmas Eve, everybody. See you then. So until then, I love feeling hatred and disappointment and disgust with humanity. So we can talk about this show for 20 hours if you'd like. I don't even have to watch it. Just tell me. What better way to focus that inner rage and hate than by going to Vanderpump Rules, which opens like this. La, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I think I like it Okay, so La La is now the theme song of the show They've officially shifted this over Maybe she sang it because she is a singer now She's probably like No, it would have been like

Good beat, good beat Okay, so it opens up with Good bait. All right. Okay, so it opens up with... A 30-year-old on a skateboard. That's L.A. for you. I was like, way to set the scene. Yep. So Jax is not wearing a tie,

and Lisa Vanderpump, for the first time in four years, has an issue badge. She's like, not wearing a tie. He's like, yeah, my shirt is open. It's sexy. Oh, Jax. You were long past the ability to leave your shirt open like that. Jax is an ape on

meth. I mean, his face, every week it's a new face. This week it's obviously meth. He's getting the skin pull over his fillers. He's missing teeth, but he's still getting bigger because I guess he's taking steroidsers. He's missing teeth. But he's still getting bigger because I guess he's taking steroids too. I mean, God.

His cheeks are just like, he's like a hamster. Like, I mean, if you just like went into that mouth, you'd find a whole bunch of those like hamster Cheerios that they eat. You know? Girl, if you licked him, he would taste like vinegar because that man is pickled. Woo. So then. Darling, you look tacky. He's like, I thought that was sexy. And she's like, good point. On with it. On with

the show. So the episode this week is all about gay pride, which is always hilarious. We're always here in this neighborhood for it. And we always see these bitches out on the road, too. So it's always fun. I love the pride episode. It's like our own Christmas episode. I was about to say, I love the pride episode. Also, because our own Christmas episode. I do love it. I was about to say I love the Pride episode.

Also because it always looks so summery, you know, and it always airs in winter. So it's like, oh, remember long afternoons of partying and we ho. Do you remember when I was four months younger? Or however long ago, five or six months. So we learned something very important, which is that Sheena says, I love making coffee. So that's another insight into the world of Sheena. I love pressing the button on the Keurig machine. I love a Keurig machine

because it makes me think I can Keurig shine. This machine should work at the hospital because I can Keurig. I like that Lisa told, she's trying to get everybody to realize it's pride. She's like, come on, everybody, it's pride. And what are we proud of? And Jax is like, still walking after the shift, like still being able to like clench my ass after a shift here making dollars in the restroom. And she's like, it's for the LGBT community.

And I was like, you forgot to add a couple letters there, Lisa. Yes, I mean Bruce too. I'm not being mean to the lad, no matter what Radar Online tells you. So anyway, we had a moment, a deep philosophical moment, because

Sheena and Jax were talking in this back room. Wait! My song is playing! Oh, sorry. It was the cappuccino machine. I thought it was Shay trying to speak to me through a CB radio. Shay, are you on drugs?

I thought it was Shay playing my song to me on voicemail, but then I forgot the words. Sheen it a Shay. Sheen it a Shay. Are you okay? I can't copy anything.

I'm making a cappuccino, Shay. It's a good lyric. So anyway, Jax randomly says, if you had five days to live, what would you do? I'm like, I was surprised he didn't say, I mean, who would you do? Who would you do? Well, I would write a letter to Julio Iglesias and tell him crop tops are my thing. Then I would go skiing because I really love snow.

And then I would buy a unicorn and ride it into the sunset with Shay. Well, technically her answer was, I would go to Paris and Egypt. And then Jack. Basically Las Vegas. Yeah, just go to Vegas. Well, that's two days right there. Just getting there. She's like, I don't know.

But Jack. I'd go to Paris, Egypt, the Bellagio, New York. It's like, okay, nickel machine, calm down over there. I'm going to play El Camaro. They play my song everywhere I go. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Well, I would go to an around-the-world buffet because technically I'd be all around the world.

Also, I keep Shay from drinking. Even though he only has five days to live, he's not allowed to have any more pills. Whenever I go to a buffet with Shay, I'm like, Shay, get some macaroni and cheese. You won't drink. I can't be married to an alcoholic. You know what I would do?

I would take all the photos of me and Shay from our wedding that are on the photo to print canvases. I'd put them all together and take a picture and take the picture of the photos to canvas on a photo to canvas. Anyway, so it's funny because she has a pretty fine, she wants to go to Paris or Egypt and see the pyramids. Jax's response, he's like, yeah, I would murder everyone who did me wrong. I was like, what? Dr. Jack, Dr. Bill, Dr. Bob, any group on Dr. would be murdered. Jax is like, give me back my face So everyone

If Jax comes down with a terminal disease Like be careful He's gonna kill everyone Yeah but the only people he ever gets mad at Are the people trying to get into his skanky Pussinos that he's going after So I think we're safe So

I wrote down that Js needs to always be in the workstation because it's the only time his face makes sense like somehow around the steam from the cappuccino machines and the lighting it's actually really bright lighting in there like fluorescence yeah he looks normal he looks almost young i was like oh my god that's what he's going for he doesn't realize he's working in a restaurant that's lit like the hall closet you know yeah in there he had a few moments like uh towards the end of this episode he was in some sort of teal t-shirt and he looked pretty good but man that tank top was not doing him any favors so then we're talking about how he's jealous of james and she and sheena's like are you jealous because it gets pussy he's like no no it's not at all. And then Sheena tells us why James is so sexy to everybody because of those

headphones. And then it cuts to James with his headphones, like kind of bobbing his head, you know, all like confused and drugged out, like just kind of bobbing him. And he's like, Hey,

look, they, I'm going to put it in your vagina, darling. Listen to it. You want to listen to it? So, and then Jax,

you know, of course it's time for jacks to say something that's kind of totally offensive to women but you know whatever it's spander pump rules he's like jacks he calls he calls jacks i'm sorry he calls lala a sports car he's like i'm not gonna it's not something i want to buy but i'd like to take a ride i'm like yeah you'll probably take a ride and then crash the car and ruin it for anyone else. Exactly. That's about right. Yes.

Crash into the I-10 and then not take fault for it. We're going to see Lala wrapped around a tree. It's like I did not give that Ford Explorer herpes. How dare you? It's so funny. This Lala has an odor that I can't get rid of anymore. You got jacked! We need to hang a little pine tree off of Lala's neck.

So it's gay pride, and Lisa has bought everybody new uniforms, and they're bright pink 50s dresses, because the 50s were a great time for gays and women. Thanks, Lisa. Good call, Lisa. She's like, let's go back to an innocent time where we learned to get our food from a processor and beat gays into submissions. Okay, sounds great.

Sounds like a great pride, Lisa. Jesus. Let's have an ISIS pride. Jesus, Lisa, no. We're putting everybody in burkas. Oh, my God. No, Lisa, no. Sexy burkas.

So an eyelid. burkas. Oh my god. No, Lisa. No, Lisa. Sexy burkas. So, um... Show an eyelid. Lisa, Ariana, and Katie talk about Sheena. Talk about Sheena. She's like, Hello, girls. How are you enjoying the 50s? I'm like, well, our men don't have a job. Perfect! Just how it

should be. Don't forget to be the gay, darling. How's Sheena, darling? She starts talking about how Sheena wants, you know the gay, darling. How's Sheena, darling? And she starts talking about how Sheena wants, you know, the perfect life. She's like, I feel bad. She had the perfect wedding. She has the perfect plastic print canvases

in her god awful home in the valley. You know, sometimes you have to face harsh reality, and that is, your face is harsh, darling, in reality. Please stop. But she is harsh, darling, in reality. Please stop. But she's like, you know, marriage is hard. Luckily, Sheena now has, you know, all she needs to protect herself in her face.

She's like, you can punch her in the face. You can puncture her. You can cut her. You can run her over a bus. That face won't feel a thing, darling. Got a whole new take on plastic surgery it's like it's just to protect myself her face is now 50 material of nike airs there's just air pockets in there that you can push in then it goes to sheena being positive, and she's telling Jax,

Ah, Shay's doing great! He's really turning a new leaf! And I was like, of course Shay's turning a new leaf, like a fucking leaf blower. Never pick it up. He's just blowing that leaf all over the yard, never doing shit. It's actually a perfect misspeak. Listen, you can turn over as many leaves as you want, but if the leaf is dead, it's still dead, no matter what side it's on. Both of Shay's leaves are dead. Both of his sides are dead. I can't be married to a half-dead leaf.

Bad news, Sheena. I think it's more of a pine needle than a leaf. Good luck. Our communication's really improved. Like, he goes pee in this cup, and then I test it, and then I'm like, you passed. Pass. in this cup and then I test it. And then I'm like, you passed. Pass. I actually feel bad for Sheena because it's been a week

essentially since he went to rehab and she's already like, yeah, he's fixed. He's fixed. Poor Sheena. She's like, well, I hope he comes to Gay Pride to support me. Jax is like, you know that this is the biggest party in LA of the year, right? Why would you bring someone

who can't drink to gay pride? And she's like, what? He's not gay. It's not like he has to drink gayness. Just beer. I can't be married to an alcoholic. He has to be able to have a couple beers. It's like, just order him a couple of beers just to see if he can take it.

Jesus, Sheena. She doesn't realize the awful things that she's saying. I mean, if this is the man that you love, it's like you have to make a sacrifice. He has an illness. Okay. So you, you have to make a sacrifice for it. Now, Shay says that the pills were the issue more than the drinking, which I get, but I'm pretty sure, I mean, there is, there is like a vein of, of recovery where you can, you can have like a few drinks, but I think in general, it's supposed to be if you're if you're hooked on coke if you're hooked on you know pills you may not be hooked on booze but it's all gotta go well if you're hooked on pills chances are they're oxycodone right because that's what everyone's hooked on like everybody here is hooked on either that or the meth so if you're hooked on

oxycodone you know he ain't getting those in azusa because those are 30 a pill so where's he getting those he's getting those at Pump from Sheena's friends. He's getting them from the Toms and Jacks. Why would you invite him to the people that probably got him hooked on pills in the first place? It's not like Shay has a lot else going on. He's not at the skate park meeting people to give him drugs. He's at your job all the time or laying on your couch. And I just think it's, like, really damaging.

I would imagine for her to be saying things like, well, I could never be with someone who never drinks at all. I'm like, oh, my God. That's your husband that you're talking about. And now he's going to be feeling shame. And now he's going to be this. And now he's going to feel like he's holding you back, whatever. Like, awful. Like, Sheena, what are you saying?

Shay, he may be a lump, but he's still your lump. Well, she's doing it out of positivity. That's what's so funny. Like, she may be a lump, but he's still your lump. She's doing it out of positivity. That's what's so funny. She really thinks she's helping. She's like, if I just love him hard enough. I'm like, that's why he's drinking. Back away. Someone needs to tell her how to handle that situation. So anyway, we go to

Lala's apartment. We'll just put a ton of fillers in his face. If you're going to teach him to be strong as you, just use the same tactics. Just pull his face back, put a few fillers in it, and he'll be able to take anything. If he's depressed, you won't be able to tell. Well, anyway, we go to Lala's apartment. Casa Lala. Which is basically Stassi's apartment, by the way.

Yeah, actually it was like Stassi's season one apartment. They move the couch and put a new Ikea rug in. They're like, okay, we've kind of cleaned the sperm up off the carpet. You're in. Didn't Lala say she was living in tom's old apartment or something or was that faith i don't remember so um james comes over there's like james coming over just to make they're just gonna make some music like and lala's like we're not gonna hook up it's just we're just there to make music which first of all is lol or or LOL. LOL, Lala. Since when is Lala?

I don't know. I love that James' line, which is so skeezy, is like, yeah, let's go hang out and make some trucks. Let's lay down some trucks together. Shut up, James. You are such a skeeve. So, first of all, Lala, there were some shots where she didn't seem to have as much makeup on. And then she suddenly did have a lot of makeup. Lala, there were some shots where she didn't seem to have as much makeup on. And then she suddenly did have a lot of makeup. Lala, the less makeup, the better.

You're a beautiful girl. Don't hide it under the anchor woman pancake makeup. I can't tell. Yeah, because she definitely does have El Paso News anchor makeup on. It's like really caked. Yeah. He's here for one reason. He's here to make me famous. Like, um, you're dumb.

So, James tries coming up to her and being a... He's like, you ready, baby? You ready, darling? Yeah, you ready to sing right in the hole, baby? Yeah, punch me in the face, darling. Yeah, do it with your tongue. He's so gross. He is gross.

He is creepy. He's like... And he asks her to, like, bite on her elbow. He's like, if you start nibbling right down here and bite down hard on hard towards the top, probably going to call you the next day. Like, oh, who wants to bite that? It's like biting an old ham. Don't call her.

Call the vet. All right. Get yourself taken care of. You're spreading that shit all over the place. We're going to have billboards in West Hollywood soon. Like worms. But by the way, one of my favorite parts about about that that's that disgusting skeevy comment by him is that it actually became a plot point later on but anyway i know they're getting good

on this show it's like foreshadowing they're doing a lot of like literary reading yeah time so then they sit down to make their track and lala's singing along and she has this she's like there ain't nobody that i'm feeling like she's like there ain't nobody that i'm feeling like i'm feeling you ain't nobody that i'm feeling like i'm feeling you and the truth be told the beat i actually thought the beat was all right and even though she can't really sing it actually sounded all right i thought she could sing i wrote lala can sing yeah like it sounded okay and then he starts rapping and he's like Chilling out at the pad With my homies

Gonna go Gonna get some blomies For some cocaine Gonna do cocaine Have sex Cause I'd have sex And nibble Nibble on me

Nibble on me Lala I was like oh my god Please don't rap along James Please I'm gonna snort all day man Think of the time And then I'm not

Not eat Then make out Then I'm gonna stick my tongue In you Really deep in you really deep in you and then it's going to be fly your basic i'm like none of that even rhymes you're stupid just stop yeah because i really thought that like i mean i will always give credit where i think creditors do and i thought his beat sounded good it was better than sasha's beat

on euros of hollywood and it was like a good beat and she sounded good i was like oh maybe james does under the douchebaggery actually have some talent but then when he starts rapping oh my god just bend me over and pour the fireball down my mouth i can't listen to it i like where he explains where his music talent comes from he's like i learned how to use girls band when my father managed wham what no he doesn't say wham he goes my dad managed warm warm my godOM. My godfather is George Markle. It's actually a different thing. And his godfather is really the guy from Arrested Development. Yeah.

But I love how when they were done recording, the James was like, we just made a fucking smasher. I'm like, oh, Jesus. No. You basic bitch. This song is called Basic Bitch. It's so stupid. Basic bitch. He's like, step off the curb, Felicia, basic bitch.

I just... George Michael is my godfather. Kind of explains a lot of the time he spends in the bathroom. Because you know he always comes out of there snorting and wiping his mouth. Spoiled little kid who is probably not giving any attention. Also, he says everybody is the godparents. His mother is probably Taylor Armstrong. Like, that's your godmother over there.

It's like the Queen of England. Shut up, Taylor Armstrong. No one's putting you in their will, okay? Well, it does make sense because James was hired because Lisa's friends with his mother or something like that. So I'm sure that Lisa and James's mom and

Ken and James's dad met at like some backstage wham concert in 1982 and they all have their wham bufant still you know it's like it all makes sense and Ken was still like moving really slowly and silently farting even back then he it's like Angela Lansbury he hit 70 and just stayed there for 90 years and you know and it's funny because if you think about it ken sort of does speak in wham songs if you think about it you know i can imagine walking up to someone be like i don't want your freedom i don't want to let you go i don't want no heartbeat i just want this carry on so all right darling wake me up before you go go right yeah i'm never gonna dance again um if you have got no i'm never gonna dance again

james i was writing that i don't believe the swam thing because first of all they showed him as a baby they didn't show george mich Michael holding him or anything like that. He's like, George Michael is my godfather. Cut to just him crawling. I'm like, that proves nothing. And also, last year when he said, Lisa can't fire me. She's best friends with my mother. And then Lisa, later in the season, was like, I saw his mother cleaning a toilet at an Oscar party once.

That's it. Yeah. That's true. That was the story so probably what happened was that his father banged his mom that's probably what it is so either way so then we go to um then we go to the gym we go to fit arts which is right here on sunset and we meet alfred the trainer oh fuck this scene okay this is where this happens to every fat guy in LA. Sorry, Ben, you can't relate. So you just sit there and cool your skinny jets. But every fat person in LA, right?

I was doing big frogs and throwing up. I was just like Shay. We're already like, you know, the dinosaurs here. People are like, oh my God, there's a fat person. Take a picture! So we're already the freaks of this town, all right? So every fat guy here has gone through friends like this. They're like, oh my God, we're having so much fun.

They're giving me pills. This is great. And then suddenly they're like, brah, working out's easy, dude. We'll show you. We'll totally show you how easy it is. And then you go to the 24-hour fitness and they're suddenly climbing ropes

all the way to the top to show you how easy. You don't do that to a fat person you show a fat person how to lay on the ground touch their knees and get back down again without fucking dying okay well Tom was like you know Shea just needs a win I'm like you're not going to give him a win by

taking him to Fit Arts and having him stand next to Adonis Alfred and make him climb up a rope you know that's not going to make him feel better. He's going to feel like shit. I mean, all these people do is make Shay feel like shit. I know. And then Shay goes and throws up in the parking lot.

Of course he does. Goal accomplished. You know, maybe that was the whole thing. They were like, well, we got him to barf at least, you know. He's never going to work out, but he can learn to barf. Well, can I just say something about this Fit Arts place? So it's right here on Sunset. I remember one time going to the – you know the Pikey?

Yes. It's basically like two storefronts down from the Pikey. And I remember walking back from the Pikey and Alfred of the scene, he was in there doing some sort of capoeira with another guy. And they were both like shirtless and sweaty. And I was like, oh, my goodness. It was so hot. And ever since then, every time I walk by, I'm always like, oh, are they going to be doing some of that shirtless capoeira again? And I've yet to see it.

So when Alfred showed up on this, I was like, that's the guy doing the hot capoeira. And then poor Shay's barfing. And they're like, okay, bro, we'll show you something easier. This is how you fuck a girl. And then they get down on the ground and start doing the worm, which is really hard, you guys. the ground and start doing the worm which is really hard you guys okay it was for someone who's never i mean shea probably hasn't even walked all the way to the bathroom in one full breath you know he's probably taking like five minutes like take a break in between have some m&ms from his pocket then finish walking to the bat like you've got to start small guys

you're like teaching him how to fuck the ground way to show him what he's not doing at home you know his ass just lays there and waits for Sheena to crawl off of him. And he was like, they're like, okay, now just pretend you're in bed. And Shay's like, can I not? He's like, I don't want to. I hate the bed. It's like, oh, that is a bad sign.

And the funny part was then over the DMV, Sheena was having the stupid scene at the DMV where she's like, I'm finally ready to become Sheena Shay. I mean, Sheena Marie was cool, but now Sheena Shay is even better. I'm like, shut up, Sheena Marie was cool, but now Sheena Shea is even better. I'm like, shut up, Sheena. And she's at the DMV in her fucking lingerie, okay? She's wearing lingerie to go to the DMV in Hollywood,

which is sad enough, without some hoe with a jack-o'-lantern face showing up in lingerie. Come on, Sheena, what are you doing, man? It's so sad, it made me want to cry. So what I loved is they were cross-cutting between Sheena at the DMV and Shay at Fit Arts. And Sheena's like, she's telling Ariana, she's like, yeah, things are, like, better than ever now. Like, we are so much better now. We're so much closer.

Things are better. And then they cut to Shay being like, yeah, it's going to take some time. Whoops. Miscommunication. Shay is such a fucking pussy shut up Shay oh your wife talks too much and your wife pays no attention to you and she's always looking at her phone no shit was she someone else before

I mean having a different face doesn't change her on the inside it was the same bitch you married get over it yeah I mean I actually do feel bad for Sheena and all this because she wants it to be better like Lisa says she wants it to be better but shea is miserable i mean look she even says in the interview he's sitting there he's like yeah well the thing that sucks about all this is that now she has something to hold over my head it's a great and i don't know when that's ever gonna end he said looks like things are going in the right direction. He's so delusional, too. Probably from his drug counselor, Sheena, who's like, no, you can't quit.

Don't be a quitter. He's saying, he's telling the guys, he's like, yeah, you know pills? You know pills? And they're like, yeah, I heard of them. Yeah, heard of them. They're looking away all guiltily. And he goes, I used to be addicted to those this morning. But I just barfed them up, so I'm better now. It's like, oh, my God. You used to be addicted to those this morning, but I just barfed them up, so I'm better now.

It's like, oh, my God. You used to be addicted yesterday? Yeah. Girl, having a chip doesn't mean you earned a chip, okay? He's like, I earned a bag of chips. Shut up, Shay. So I loved also then Tom Schwartz. His ring is coming in, but he's looking at Sheena and Shay, and he's like, man, if they're having problems, anyone could have problems.

Like, yeah, Sheena and Shay, I mean, they are just the model of perfection. I mean, who would have thought there's no future in marriage now because Sheena and Shay. It's like marrying someone from awakenings and then being shocked when they come to life and you see their actual personality and you're like, oh, no. You weren't supposed to talk or have a personality. Like, do you think Shay's ever said anything? I think she just found him passed out in a Wendy's and dragged him home. Like, you're gonna marry me! I think he's never not been in a state of waking up.

This is the first time he hasn't been on drugs. He's like, wait, what did I do? Who is this woman? Why is she always talking? The only time he has not been looking groggy was i think that time when he got into a fight uh at sheena's birthday party and was crying right wasn't there a scene wasn't there oh yeah he started crying he's like oh my fat he's like that's probably when he started taking the pills he was so embarrassed so anyway i just put the guys terrified so sheena is like trying so hard to make it work at the dmv

and she's like she just needs to be a one person so i'm taking his name so now when people say she they're talking to me but he'll feel like they're talking to him like good plan sheena like a man who has no identity of his own you're taking his what he uses as his first name which is his last name now no one will ever be talking to him say what i can never talk that's so funny so anyway um okay for like two days i thought i was gonna get a divorce it's like serious ariana just looks at her like she's so worried all the time she's just kind of patting her on the head like, I'll be here to clean you up when this is all over, honey. Call me.

And then the producers wedge in a totally boring tidbit about Ariana's past. She's like, yeah, my parents separated when I was younger. And then they got back together and they separated again. They show some pictures. It's like, okay, that's it for Ariana today. So then we go on to Pump. So now it's time for Gay Pride. Oh, it's not gay pride anymore now it's pump pride because lisa renames everything okay she names pump teenies she names

every damn thing she's like pump ta ta ta pump pride welcome to pump pride it's gay pride stop it just like passing around pump pride shirts leave it they're all getting ready james walks in late he's all scratched up from sex uh and and you know james the type of douchebag who would of course wear a tank top to show to show off the scratches you know it's like he would like show the hickey if he could because he can't even be shallow like he's he's Like he's so excited about being an asshole that he's like, yeah, I wore it to piss her off. That's right. I wore it so she'd see it. So there you go.

There you have it. It's like, well, mystery solved. Glad we didn't spend any time on that. I just wanted to say that Lisa was in a fisherman's hat. I'm really glad that they showed West Hollywood the sadness of West Hollywood on such a proud day, which is where there's just that one lone stripper standing on the corner just grabbing his dick in a speedo, looking around all insecurely. That was hilarious.

I like that, too. And then we had, she, she, she was back. She, she, she, we getting mad. And I was like, oh my god, you know there's some busboy named She-She there. Yeah. La la li li lo lo She-She, sha sha sha sha. So anyway, so James is like, you know, he's like,

I had sex last night, whatever. And then Lisa's like, I don't want to hear about it. No, no, don't tell me about it. But then as she and Ken are leaving, she's like, Ken, drive me back to town. I have to change.

And I have to make sure Hanky's feeling better. It's gay pride. Hanky's favorite day of the year. I can't let Hanky get bashed on his day, darling. Be nice to Hanky. By the way, side note, did you see that there was this viral video

of this Irish reporter? There was a storm in Ireland, and she was telling everyone, go inside, stay away from the wind. And I was like, oh my God, she's telling everyone to be inside stay away from the wind and i was like oh my god she's telling everyone to be nice to lala i was like expecting that was expecting her to be the very next thing for her to say be nice to lala the hurricane means no harm be nice to hurricane lala lala oh my god it was i wish i brought it up

La la. Oh my god, it was great. I wish I'd brought it up. Hello, I found out who James banged. Like out of nowhere. Was it La La? No, it was Lauren, the tiny slut hostess. She's like, what was he thinking?

How could he fraternize? What did she even call it last week? No, well, Jax called it fraternize. Fraternize. Frat-nize. Why is he frat-nizing in my barn? Well, what I loved is that Lisa is just shocked that this would happen. Like, I can't believe it. I can't believe if I hire a manslaughter, he's going to try to sleep with everyone on my staff.

And then Ariana and Tom arrive. She is standing on the back of his bike or whatever. And they're like doing the teenager thing. It's like the pre-adulting thing. They're adulting, but you really don't turn into an adult until you're 40. So like when you're 30, that's when you start like paying the electric bill finally. Because it gets turned off. And it's like that last ride on the bike. So they show up. Because it gets turned off. Yeah. And it's like that last ride on the bike. Enjoy it.

So they show up. But meanwhile, as you said, Ken. So James had sex with this waitress who we had never. This hostess we've never seen before. Right. She's like a brand new character. She looks like Mae Whitman. Right.

You know, Anne Veal from Arrested Development. She's like a slutty Anne Veal. And she's walking around. She's the one who scratched James. So this is important because she's a hostess and Lala's a hostess. And because this show is absolutely amazing and wonderful. Sure enough, Lauren and Lala are both working at the hostess stand together.

Both haven't just had sex with James in the past two days, which is why I love this show. So funny. And then Lauren's being so fake. She's like this show so funny and then lauren's being so fake she's like just ignore him girl he's being mean to you you know just ignore him i love you mamas yeah i'm like hugging meanwhile lala is already she already has an eye on jacks and she she like goes over to jacks and she's and she's like so like what's going on with you and your girlfriend and he's like yeah we just talked i think it's over she's like so like what's going on with you and your girlfriend and he's like

yeah we just talked I think it's over she's like okay cool so we should hang out I'm like gosh Lala you know we like you and everything Lala but like you really I just can't figure the hoe out because I cannot read her I can't figure her out I mean when she was talking to the girls

last week I thought this girl is so smooth because here she is manipulating the girls jumping on their side and acting like James offended her. That girl doesn't get offended by anything. I mean, everything that's been said to her so far has been so mean and offensive or just sexually sexual harassment. It's been totally offensive, but she's never offended by anything. So I know she doesn't get offended. So that was obviously smart of her to get on the girl's side. then this week going home with jacks it's like a revenge fuck on who like why would you give yourself all of those diseases to get revenge on somebody else it

doesn't make any sense like you lose exactly and you know she wants jacks and so when he says yeah we just talked i think it's over i mean lala is i think smart enough to know that jacks is lying but she just needs to get it on on camera that he said it's over. I mean, Lala is, I think, smart enough to know that Jax is lying, but she just needs to get it on camera that he said it's over, so that way she is exonerated. But I'm like, man, she she wastes no time whatsoever. She reminds me of Heather Graham in Bowfinger.

You ever see Bowfinger? No. It's this great movie from like 1999 with Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy, and they're like making this movie in Hollywood and Heather Graham plays this like ingenue she's just off the turnip truck and she just sleeps her way to the top

throughout the entire movie like she's sleeping with one person and the next person and like it's a very subtle joke but like every few scenes she starts sleeping with someone else and they're always like higher and higher and higher and she just sort of like sleeps her way to the top of the movie but that's exactly what lala's doing she's like trying to go up the ladder but what ladder like it's like one of those like dj slash

bus boy she doesn't realize it's one of those like come on she doesn't realize it's one of those like rope ladders at a carnival where you're supposed to climb up it and doesn't go very high and you get flipped off of it and you never get the toy at the end why ain't anybody trying to fuck diana i mean if you really want to run this place that's who you fuck like you guys are on the wrong ladder and diana's hot too yeah or guillermo so um the best part well not the best part but the ickiest part which is sort of the best part is that after lala it's like you know okay great we hang out, and she goes back to the hostess podium, Jax turns to a customer

or someone and is like, I'm gonna fuck her. Jesus. He's so disgusting. And meanwhile, Jax is literally going woo, woo, woo, woo, hey, hey, woo, woo, like an ape, jumping up and down trying to get her attention,

sweating all over the plate, like his spray tan juice is going all over the bar. It's so embarrassing. He's like sweating his meth out, missing teeth. He's smiling so big he's missing teeth. And then Lala's like, yeah, I'm going to totally revenge. Fuck him. What are you doing?

You lose. And then in the midst of all this, though, James walks in after he's done with his gig at Pump. And he walks in and Lala is standing next to Anne Veal. And James walks in and he just goes and starts making out with Lala, even though he had banged Anne Veal the night before. And Anne Veal is watching him and just like sort of like nodding along like, OK, this is great. him and just like sort of like nodding along like okay this is great like like you know and then you know of course lala notices all the scratches and stuff and then she's like cigarette burns those aren't even scratches they're all perfect circles they're all perfect circle bruises all over his

arm so what the fuck so now the thing is that when they were when they were laying down the track making music you know they lala said she didn't want a boyfriend. And so since James is like, all right, well, since you can't commit to me, I'm going to fuck other girls. And she's like, well, fine. Just don't let me know about it. Well, in this case, he let her know about it by showing off all his scratches and marks and everything. And he's so subtle. He can't even play it right.

She goes, oh, what? Is that supposed to make me jealous? He's like, yes! If you would have committed to me, then I wouldn't have mocks on my arm. You are such an asshole. Oh, he's awful. That's like George Michael logic right there. He's like, I had to go to the loo.

It wasn't my fault someone offered me a blowjob. I'm the progeny of Wham! I'm the progeny of Wham! You see this? You'll never get this again, lady? You'll never get this again, lady You'll never get this again, missy You'll never have a hot Wham progeny like me You're never gonna meet Wham

I'll tell you that much, missy You'll never get this again This is hot stuff here, girl So you both got revenge One of you end up with burn marks all over you And then the other one ended up with Jack's jizz and cider Congratulations, losers. Did you notice that they were serving tuna tartare, but they had to do it special for gay pride?

So Lisa's like, gay men hate fish, darling. So just put them on a stick. All right. We'll subtly hint. Subtly hint, darling. Revolutionize the tuna tartare stick industry. It's a tuna kabob. Chef Penny, do not

leave your post. Tuna tartare for pride. Have your tartare pride everywhere, Penny. More, more. Chef Penny, have some pride in your gay tuna stick tartare. Pandy, get on the line. Pandy's like, this is delicious,

but I poked my mouth, Mum. Oh, Pandy. Don't swallow the delicious, but I poked my mouth, Mum. Oh, Pandy. Don't swallow the stick, darling. It's not edible. Can clear Pandy, darling. Take her away. So anyway, meanwhile, over at the bar, Jax is serving drinks.

He's fully drunk. He is sweating through his tank top. He just looks terrible. And the hot bartender who works with him, He's fully drunk. He is sweating through his tank top. He just looks terrible. And the hot bartender who works with him, Anthony or Antonio, whatever his name was, it says, like, it says, Antonio, bartender slash Lauren's ex. I'm like, oh, my God. I love that this show just decides to drop in two characters. I mean, we maybe have seen them in the background, but they drop two in right now.

Like, guess what? We're throwing all these people into a love rhombus. Go. A rhombus. I like that. Because there's like four people in it now. And also, this show, you know, it looks like the most shallow show on TV, but they really do layer this show in such a funny way. Yeah. But they really do layer this show in such a funny way. Like, Lisa, do you think it's a mistake that the bartender who's now going to become a supporting player on the show looks just like Eddie Ciprian?

You know that Lisa layered that shit on purpose. It's like, Brandy's done, but I don't want her to ever forget. Cast a young Eddie, darling, that Brandy can never touch. I think he looks like a tall, muscular, tan Haley Joel Osment. How dare you? How could you jump from one to the other? You know that Haley Joel Osment has yelled at me in a bar. I do not appreciate you bringing that up. Oh, that's right.

I forgot. I'm still traumatized, and I love this sense. Get over yourself, Haley Joel. No one's taking your picture for anything that matters. Be quiet over there, Haley Joel No one's taking your picture For anything that matters Be quiet over there, Haley Joel So meanwhile, Jax is there And he, I mean, Jax is drunk He drops an entire bottle of Don Julio

He's such an idiot And he's like, sorry There was a woman being like, I'd like a mojito piece He's like, oh, I don't want a muddle And she's like, how about a shot of tequila He's like, yes, and a mojito He's like, oh, I don't want a muddle. And she's like, how about a shot of tequila? He's like, yes. And a mojito. He's like, no.

And he's like, you want to get wasted, right? Because it's pride. She said, yeah, but I'd also like my drink. And then gives him a dirty look. And I was like, you go, normal person. I'm like, girl, but what are you doing ordering a drink from Jack's? What are you doing? You're going to get basically like backwash and olive juice.

Yeah. Why do you got to pump it all? It's like going to pump and then get mad, getting mad that you got to scrape on your leg because you walked past a giant cement pot from like 100 years ago. Of course you're going to get scratched up. Stay out of that goddamn place. So now you always know the shit is about is about the fan because now Kristen has arrived. She comes walking up. She tries to get into this group shot. She can't. Lisa's like, well, you know, maybe you would have been allowed to get in the group shot if you hadn't called Diana to tell Diana to suck a dick.

Well, she does this to herself and she tells Diana to eat dicks. Well, she does this to herself when she tells Diana to eat dicks. And of course, Kristen, you know, she's got some like nanny cam in the alley across the street, hidden behind one of those dumpsters that sees everything going on there. She's like looking at it from the valley in her house, you know. And so she sees that it's the group photo time in front of that stupid car. So everybody's posing in front of the car. And I'm like, good job, Lisa. It's a bunch of of floating heads it's like you're putting pink things against a pink car it's like a bunch of floating plastic surgery terrifying non-appetizing heads and then kristen walks up

and she's like hey it's me i'm gonna i made it just in time for the group shot it was like get out stupid stupid kristen so then so then like she. So then there's like a party going on behind Sir in like the apple crate area where they all sit. And James, again, is like bragging about having sex. And he's there like right in front of Kristen. And he's like, I like to get bit. Remember, babe? I'm like, ugh. And then he shows a picture of his butt i guess it was bit i mean

what were we looking at what was that picture he was showing i don't know it's like his grinder picture get out of here no one is buying it okay he's bragging he's bragging about having sex in front of kristen which is like really obnoxious that's your ex i mean she may be horse face number one and she may be crazy but it's still rude and then well she wouldn't be hearing it right now if she'd get a goddamn job and stop hanging out at the break room someone else's job weirdo stop falling out of ubers and breaking your face kristen so um so kristen then so then lala starts yelling at james which kristen loves this is like kristen's dream come true like this is what this is what she wants from ariana which is for the girl to be like wait kristin you're right i'm

gonna yell at james i'm gonna yell at your ex now kristin was like having the time of her life when lala is yelling at james and then which i love then jack swoops in and he basically steals lala away um and then like he was just waiting for the pity fuck. Jax knows what it is, you know? He's actually, as much as his face is lying about this, he's aging gracefully. He knows he's an old man in this town. I mean, in this town, he's on Golden Pond, okay?

And he knows that you need to take a net out there and you need to wait for a broken fish to just float on by. Then you catch him and don't tell anybody. It's been dead the whole time. So just to recap, Kristen eggs on Lala to yell at James and

when James is being obnoxious, Lala takes revenge by going with Jax and so James' revenge is to tell Lala that it was Lauren who he had sex with. And, of course, the producers then cut to Lala and Lauren, like a flashback of them hugging, which is just hilarious. Like you said, this show is so layered.

Like the producers are having the most fun with all these catty bitches, right? Yes, because they've got – how do they know that – they're like, okay, get everyone who fucked last night on the schedule for pride. I know. So then Lala's like oh really so then lala storms into the bar into the restaurant and this girl lauren is running away i was laughing so hard because they show lauren she's like the little girl from that movie the ring who crawls out of the toilet she's just like looming by the break door by the outside door kind of looming there looking scarily and then she sees that it happened and she just starts running but she's doing that hostess busy thing where like hostesses if they're uncomfortable

they don't have anywhere to go because they don't have anything to do but stand behind that desk so she starts pacing the restaurant like she's just counting the tables but she's just pacing back and forth trapped in host because we all know she can't count. So then Lala comes in and Lala tells Anthony or Antonio, whatever his name, and she immediately... Anthony. His name is Anthony. So she immediately tells Anthony about the situation. And at first

I almost thought that he was just like acting. He's like, what? Are you kidding me right now? Are you kidding me? But then he really pulls Lauren aside and they go into this other room and lauren starts taking off a microphone they're like i was like oh they're having lauren runs in to like get kim richards stashed under the toilet paper like seat cover things and he's going in there it's like kim kim so much shit has gone down in that bathroom by the way so he goes

in and she's never gonna make it on this show because she's ripping off her mic and yeah that's exactly what I thought. Like, this is why you're not getting more airtime because you took off that mic. And it was also funny because it's the first time that someone hasn't done that for airtime. She probably thought she could trust James to not say anything. Because, you know, last night when she was burning that eighth Virginia Slim out on his upper arm skin, he was like, I won't tell anyone, darling. I won't say a thing. Warm.

Warm is the word. Nibble, nibble nibble nibble darling so then then lauren has a really good script writer because she goes are you kidding are you kidding me right now are you kidding is this a joke are you kidding me right now by the way here's here's why Lauren's an idiot, okay? Lauren's man, Anthony, is by far the hottest guy in the entire restaurant. You know, like, he is gorgeous. At least. I mean, on the block. I know the block well.

Yeah. He is, like, maybe the hottest guy in the entire city of Los Angeles. And he is, like, gorgeous. And she's Anne Veal. I'm sorry. You know, she's not ugly, but she's Anne Veal. I sorry you know she's not ugly but she's Anne Veal with some makeup on I'm sorry and she is you know she really is

sort of you know she landed someone way out of her league no offense but it's true and she's going to go sleep with James well we give him time because we don't know how out of her league he is because he hasn't opened his mouth yet so let's just give him time because we don't know how out of her league he is because he hasn't opened his mouth yet so let's just give him a one time also yeah so then we cut to a moment to remember

that this is lisa's show i love when lisa comes in for no reason i'm sorry there was i had to say what did i skip what i skipped no lala had a very funny line where lala, she's like all mad at Lauren. She's like, she's fucking the dude I'm making music with. Laying down a truck, darling. Like what? Oh, Lord, Lala. And by the way, how many doors... I'm not feeling anyone

like I feel like you were. How many doors are in this restaurant, by the way? What? How many doors are in this restaurant? There was like a What? How many doors are in this restaurant? There was like a full-on five minutes of people opening doors and hiding behind them and other people going into the doors.

And they walk out through another door and they walk into another door. Because that's Lisa. It's just like she just wants to confuse people. It's so confusing. It was like little rooms. It was almost like an old Broadway farce where people coming in and out of doors. So people still feel like they need a hostess and they won't seat themselves. She's like, I'm sorry, darling darling you can't pick your own table because

it's over a mountain through two pots over a giant lantern behind two rickety garden doors from the 1800s over a donkey and in the back corner jesus lady is the restaurant's like 500 square feet big i know so anyway you anyway, you were going to say something. I forgot. Oh, I was just going to say I love when Lisa puts herself in the middle of the show for no reason just to brag about stuff. It's this huge fight, and then it cuts to Lisa, and she's like, oh, look at me. Two restaurants, two fabulous parties. I'm exhausted, darling. Darling, darling, darling, darling. Darling, darling, darling, darling.

Darling, darling, darling, darling. Ken's just, like, pushing her off button and, like, rolling her out of there on a dolly. Her whole staff is cursing at each other and yelling and fighting, and she's like, I like to wear big hats because people don't like to get under it. Get a little space. It's like, oh, great, Lisa. Thanks.

So then, the episode ends with Lala. Now that I made $748 today. So yeah, I just had to say that. She's like, do you want to hang out in the back room? You know,

cause this is where people who are addicts stay. Addicts are in the back here and everyone else has fun out there. Do you want me to show you where the Jack Daniels is hidden? I don't want you to be, I don't want you to be an addict. Okay. Nice logic in the break room, Sheena. And she's asking Shay how it was going. And he's like, yeah, you know, I've only had a few beers.

Today I'm just watching everybody else get fucked up. I'm like, dude, you can't pat yourself on the shoulders because you've only had a couple to a few beers. You're still drinking. It's like you didn't quit anything, Shay. Get out of here. He's like, I turned on my fitness pal, and now we're friends, and I don't have to stick to his rules

because now we're friends. Stupid. Stupid. So anyway, the episode ends with Lala and Jax going off to a party together hand in hand, and Jax is just like, she's like annoyed at James, and Jax is off to a party together hand in hand. And Jax is just like, she's like annoyed at James.

And Jax is like, you have to understand, you're hanging out with a 22-year-old who's just going to feed you all sorts of shit. I was like, oh, that's rich. That's rich, Jax. Yep. Which is, it's like,

again, it's like, it's lines like that. It's the lack of self-awareness. Oh, speaking of lack of self-awareness, I forgot to point this one out. After Lauren's going, are you fucking kidding? To her boyfriend in the bathroom, snorting Kim's leftovers. She goes, I can't trust anyone right now. I was like, really, bitch? You're the one who just cheated on your friend.

With your friend's boyfriend. On your boyfriend. And you're complaining about not being able to trust anyone i mean this show is amazing there's just like nighttime soaps don't have anything on vanderpump rules we said every this shit happens every season like i want to say you can't make it up but it probably is all made up but i don't care because the thing is that again if you look at it just plot wise you have you have james and you have this crazy ex-kristin who then comes and eggs on james's current fuck buddy lala lala yells at james and so jack sees his opportunity he swoops in james gets jealous

so james tells tells lala that her bestie lauren is one who he slept with. So Lala decides to get revenge by blowing up Lauren's spot by telling Anthony that Lauren slept with James. Anthony and Lauren get into a fight, and Lala and Jax ride off into sunset. I mean, it's Cruel Intentions. It's amazing. It's just so great. But at the end, they've all got coke in their necklace.

They all got coke. They all got coke in their necklace. They're all the shitty characters. They all got burned books, and they're all got coke in their necklace. They all got coke. They all got coke in their necklace. They're all the shitty characters. They all got burn books, and they're all dead at the funeral. And then you've got Katie on the side going, what's with all these people slapping and biting each other? I just don't get it. I'm like, oh, my God. Not that I'm rooting for anybody to get slapped and bitten, but I'm like, of course Katie's the only one who doesn't know what the hell's going on anymore.

She will. She'll have her mom you know katie the thing is with katie is she seems to always have a moment somewhere in the middle of the season where she suddenly becomes awful and vile and you and you always go oh wait katie is the worst isn't she she just becomes nasty and terrible and she does something crazy and then she becomes normal again yeah then she's like i'm sorry i i'm a little worried that she may have learned from her mistakes. She hasn't gotten drunk. Tom hasn't poured anything on her head yet.

And today she's literally wearing a dress from the 50s. It's like they're just sending her back in time. Poor Katie. Do something crazy, Katie. Katie is the new Tootie. She's going to be in a carpool next week just because she likes the feeling. She doesn't even have kids yet. She's like, I'm sick of waiting for Tom.

I'm running carpool by myself. All right. Anybody who slept with somebody else or slapped and kicked and bitten someone, get into Suburban. We're going to school. Well, Sir is next to the WeHo library, so maybe she is going to be 2D. Anyway, let's wrap this up because we've been going for hours and hours and hours and hours. So fun. Find us on WatchWhatCrappens.com for all of our social media links and for our bonus episodes come over

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