Watch What Crappens - #249: SUR WARS

Episode Date: December 16, 2015

It's the blockbuster event that all of America is talking about: "Watch What Crappens" visits SUR! Come listen as we tell stories of Tom and Tom and James and others! Plus, recaps of all the usual stuff! 00:00:00 - Intro 00:06:21 - Our visit to SUR 00:27:25 - Crappens Mailbag 00:36:32 - Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap 01:23:50 - SUR WARS: The Horse Awakens 01:44:44 - Vanderpump Rules recap Thanks for listening! Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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about board games what a surprise um anyway joining me as always is the man of the hour the funny the hilarious the gentleman in his couch desk ronnie carom from trash talk tv.com hi ronnie hello ben just kidding I just wanted to start off really negatively. No, you were in a very sultry... If that's your negative, you can be negative all day long. It felt good. I was trying to be in a bad mood, but I can't do it. How could you be in a bad mood?

You know, it is the holidays. And yesterday was the 14-year anniversary of my bar mitzvah. So there. Is that a thing you guys celebrate over there? No, we don't really celebrate the bar mitzvah. Happy bar mitzvah birthday, darling. Do you remember that time that you turned 13 and then everybody threw money on the ground

and you had to pick it up with your butt cheeks? What a day. What a day. But actually, it was the 24-year anniversary, which is crazy. I just shaved 10 years off my age. Well, we are talking Bravo. It's totally normal.

Lisa even has on like her birth certificate 1960 or something. Get out of here. Get out of here. So if anyone wants to follow us on our social media, please go to watchwhatcrappens.com where you can find links to our Instagram insta and to our vine and our twitter we got lots of good stuff there come to facebook facebook.com forward slash watch for crappins uh it really um is a great facebook page to like and to go on to because it really rounds out the watch for crappins experience there's's stuff on there that cannot be expressed through the podcast.

For instance, one of our listeners was on Tinder over the weekend and was matched up with Paul Nassif, a.k.a. Adrian Maloof's ex-husband. So we have a picture of that up on our Watcher Crappens page. Stuff like that. Fun stuff. Yeah, and I like how he's so independent. He's like, I'm a doctor.

He's taking the picture in his scrubs and then his like little hit on you line you know how you have to put like a tagline yeah is this still haven't shaved my back bitch it's like oh so romantic thanks facebook thank you um and of course you can support us on patreon patreon.com forward slash watch what crap happens patreon is spelled p-a-T-R-E-O-N by the way. And if you support us, you get access to cool things. For instance, we are

going to be doing a Google Hangout this Thursday, December 17th. It's my friend Neil's birthday. Happy birthday, Neil! And our supporters get to come on there and we do a whole hangout thing, and we laugh,

and we drink, and we laugh some more. We laugh, and we party, and we get to know each other deep down. Yeah, and there's always like a solid five minutes of being like, wait,

I'm sorry, what'd you say? What'd you say? Because it's Google Hangouts, and everyone, you know, there's like technical issues, but it's really fun.

We all show our animals to each other. We do. Everyone shows off their cats and dogs. And get drunk, and then laugh about stuff. it's really fun we also wear animals to each other we do everyone shows off their cats and dogs and get drunk and then laugh about stuff it's really fun so that's on thursday and we just did our bonus episode we covered all sorts of bravo gossip in the bonus episode we talked about heather deborah um getting scammed we talked million dollars yeah we talked about yolanda and muham Mohammed possibly getting back together. We talked about Yolanda. What was the other Yolanda thing?

You are paying me to live in a back house anyway. Why don't I just do it on your property we get paid? Yeah. Save some money. It's a Shiva coupon. You no longer have to pay for Shiva. We talked about Yolanda's health advocate and her curious background. We talked about Js and the restaurant

he just bought we talk about jacks and uh his uh std situation i just realized jack's restaurant now all caps with an exclamation at the point that is those cds they come out with every year that are terrible music from the year oh jacks what hug. He got that shit off his Columbia House membership that he never paid for finally paid off. No, that's what I call bad food. So we talk about all that and pressure cookers and hoverboards. So that's it. Jax is doing a mixtape restaurant. I love it.

That's like an obscure single from Hanson. So that's it. That's all this doing a mixtape restaurant. I love it. That's like an obscure single from Hanson. So that's it. That's all. That's all the shilling that we have at the top of this episode. But before we get into the recaps, we are going to be talking about top chef and Vanderpump rules and Atlanta, possibly in different order than that. But we have,

we have some fresh real life primary source gossip right for you here because there was a bravo summit on friday a bravo pundit summit and ronnie and i as well as amy phillips from watch what happens she does all the impersonations and um mary areas xm radio now and yes she has the radio so yep and mary and jessica from housewives kiki podcast and julia cunningham from the from ew radio also in serious we all descended on sir friday night and i'll tell you so fun so we were missing the Pumped podcast, which, listen, fuckers, we will meet one day and we will have fun. I have a feeling the people at the Pumped podcast

will get properly fucked up with me. I didn't know I was going with a bunch of nens. You guys shouldn't even be allowed in that place. You're all too nice. Well, okay. We weren't all too nice. You were in a crazy place. Friday night, Ronnie, you were in a crazy place. No, I wasn't. I was where i am every friday night drunk and mocking idiots in west hollywood where

the fuck were you people ronnie i mean you were hilarious but you were also it was it was it was very funny uh well first off like i that's how i am when i go out i have so much fun when i finally do leave my house that people who don't know me that way are like what are you doing because ben you don't really come out and party too much because I'm always too crazy for you you're always like bye because it's awkward wait a second excuse me I've been out with you several times in the past several several times but you don't get all crazy and stay out late uh you don't well yeah maybe I don't you go home at like 11 well that's usually because it's not a more hateful than I meant it

I know excuse me I have been known many times To stay up past 11 But not with me because I think I think it's too embarrassing because You have to really be as loud That's why I hang out with crazy people Okay we have stayed out Till the bars closed several times

I don't know where you're misremembering this from The last time was like A beer thing you had at your house and matt whitfield was there that's how long ago it was because we were all three together laughing our asses off we went to food we went to foo bar when uh i don't remember one but we went to there last time i went with you yeah you know why because i got sick i went home and i threw up and guess what the time before when we went to FUBAR, you left me there again too. Twice. No, here's what I'm saying.

By the way, and also, I think I should not be faulted. I should not be faulted for wanting to leave FUBAR early. I hate FUBAR. No, you're not faulted. So that's what I'm saying. Like, I'm sounding mean, but I don't even mean to be mean because I don't want you to change. Like, I don't want you to be, like, disgusting because I am. I literally have no life. So I'm like a prisoner getting out one time a month or whatever and i'm like wow it's a prison

yard and i run around and just punch people randomly and you're like oh no i'm a classy person you know that's a good thing it's not a bad thing well either way one night i need to go out with you when i can make you shit-faced Ben. Yeah. Because I need shit-faced Ben. I don't know him that well. I was not shit-faced on Friday, but I was, like, nicely drunk. The other thing is I just didn't feel like spending a million dollars because I just had to buy this plane ticket to go to this bachelor party. So I was like, I'm like, I don't want to spend, like, you know,

$18 on every single – A pressure cooker is better. A pressure cooker is a much better purchase. I'm being sarcastic so anyway but the point is this so it was funny so we all get together at sir and we get there and uh it's like around 6 30 ish or so and we're in the back room and uh we have danny our waitress is danny some of you for people who really follow the show, she shows up once every five episodes to make a remark.

And then you don't see her again. But she's actually in the opening credits. You know at the opening credits they show everyone standing there? She's there all the way to the side. And I automatically love this girl. First of all, she was good. And she was nice.

She was. And then I said, hey, why don't you – I have to preface this by saying when I go out, I'm broke. So what I do is I pre-drink. So I got basically a flask of 100-proof vodka and I swigged it right in front of the AA Center on that same street, which is hilarious. It's like between the gay bars. And I didn't realize I was doing it. So I felt all guilty and I showed up and I said, look, hi, everybody be drunk in five minutes i just pre-drink and i was okay so anyway i told this girl why don't you beat somebody like start a fight so you can be on tv more and she goes i don't want to be on that gross yes i love you that's what she said it was actually pretty funny

she's like they keep on wanting me to say things but i don't really want to be on it but it's funny though because my memory is that every time she has been on it she's usually, they keep on wanting me to say things, but I don't really want to be on it. But it's funny, though, because my memory is that every time she has been on it, she's usually said something really snotty. But she was perfectly lovely, and she's really pretty in person, by the way. But at one point, Ronnie, I seem to remember, like, you had, like, dragged her down to the couch, and you had, like, your arm around her. Oh, because I liked her. We were talking. Oh, okay. I wasn't sure what was going on.

So anyway, so I liked her. We were talking. Oh, okay. I wasn't sure what was going on. So anyway, so it was funny. So Jessica and Mary, they really missed out because they had to leave at like 7 or something to go to some improv show. I'm like, girls, we made this plan three weeks ago. How come you were leaving at 7 p.m.? But they were like, you know, because we were there. And at one point, Peter walked by. We're like, ooh, Peter. And I remember saying

i was like listen the longer you the longer you hang out the farther up the search chain you go because we start off with danny we'll be mopping the floors before you know it yeah next we see peter who knows what the night has in store so those poor girls diana was working the door diana was there in guillermo i wanted to do um a drunken interview and just corner diana and guillermo and be like who actually works you kept you kept on doing i was like no ronnie please no um so uh i forgot i had periscope i didn't even need your ass i should have just gone right over there and turned on the peri and i was afraid we were gonna get kicked out some shit so um you can't get kicked out of sir look who works there who's gonna kick you out they kept gay pride

going after a glass broke in my eyes i am a scaredy cat at heart running see you are very good about like you're like fuck it i'm gonna do my thing and it'll be okay and you and you're always okay but i'm a scaredy cat okay so i'm like i'm like i'm not gonna raise my voice in a restaurant so well i didn't raise my voice until we were on a patio to be fair to be i was fairly nice in the restaurant you had outdoor you had an outdoor voice in the outdoors that was very good um but anyway um so unfortunately mary and jessica had to leave which was too bad because then things really got oh and also by the way um one of the writers from your site was with us One of the writers from your site was with us.

Kimberly Chickbaum. So good. Sweetheart. She's so funny. Yeah. And she takes me there. She likes listening to the show, and she loves watching all these shows. So I said, I'm meeting you guys at Sir, and she's like, can I come?

I know. She talks like Kristen Schaal. I love it. She's so cute. We went to see Idina Menzel's musical earlier in the week. We had a whole week, me and Kimberly. She was really sweet. I don't know.

Every song is basically from Frozen in my mind. I walked out of the new musical singing songs from Frozen. So, I mean, well done, Frozen. So, anyway. So, Kimberly also had to leave early. So, all these bitches. All these bitches missed the good part. So, we went up to, then we went to Pump.

We're like, let's get this. Let's like, let's up the ante here. So we go to Pump. We take a seat at the bar where, you know, where Eric, the creator of the Pump-tini was working. Jennifer Lawrence's favorite cocktail. So already it was very exciting to be in the presence. He is very cute. I mean, everyone there i was actually felt like a douchebag was when i asked for his picture because i just feel so

dumb doing that but look a little bald guy it's like bald pride i was like we have to take a picture and i thought he was going to be annoyed because they were so busy and the minute he saw me raise my hand in that picture motion he was like i'll be right there it's like drop everything jump over the bar the whole world revolves around a couple insta likes i'm telling you and by the way he talked shit about jacks i don't know if you were there for that part but he was like he's like yeah he's like you know the tom he's like he's like tom is great we love tom he's like jacks though he's like i'm not gonna talk about jacks but so we're like come on he's like he basically said that jacks is a major asshole he's like yeah Jax is a major asshole. He's like, yeah, Jax is a huge asshole. Like, the other guys are great.

Jax is an asshole. We're like, hmm. No surprise there, though, right? Yeah, they hate each other. I remember Jax. What, are you going to own the restaurant now, too, bro? I love that rivalry. It really is like the Cheers rivalry.

Remember how Sam Malone has a rival somewhere else in Boston and they settle it by playing softball? It is like Cheers, but everybody's a horror version of Woody. It's like a hotter version of Cheers. And his coach just walking around mumbling to himself and everybody else is Woody, just fucking each other and passing whatever around.

So at this point, actually, I don't know where you were. I think you were at this point actually you you were actually i don't know where you were i think you were either still at sir or you were you were like missing for like five minutes you were gone and to tom no no because this is no because you hadn't shown up and then the toms showed up and i was like where's ronnie the toms are here so both toms show up and within an instant you know people are flocking to take photos there was this girl celebrating her 21st birthday and she was so starstruck she had her hands over her mouth she was like oh my god oh my god it was like she just got a ticket to go to hollywood on american idol she was

losing it for tom both toms so anyway the toms come through and they go behind the bar and they're like hanging out and then tom sandoval is we couldn't tell who was teaching whom but like tom and eric were like having a cocktail moment and i tried to be real sly and i was like i'm gonna take a secret photo of tom sandoval pouring a cocktail of course my flash goes off so that did not work out also you don't have to take secret photos i know specifically there for you to take photos of otherwise they would have actual bartenders i'm not tom just standing there they were lava sweater they were literally there to do the rounds well but the funny thing is so amy and i and julia we were talking before and we're like how do we want to approach this because Because it's like, you know, Amy actually is associated with Bravo in a legitimate way.

And she has her show. And we're like, hmm. At first, we're like, should we? Originally, we're like, we should say something. And then we're like, you know what? Like, we don't want to say anything because all these people kept coming up to take photos. And we thought we would be like douchey if we asked for a photo too. But then once I took a photo and it was so obvious I was taking a photo.

I mean Tom literally stopped what he was doing and he posed for my phone. I told you when I met that guy at Surly Goat, I didn't even know I was talking to his friends. And then I'm talking to this guy the whole night. And we had a lot of fun. He's very nice. Very nice. But he's very L.A. in the way that he's like, take a picture, bro. I said, of what? And he said, us. I said us i said why and he said put it on insta i mean that's them telling you to do it so never feel

bad if you see anybody from a reality show jump them that's not that i felt bad i didn't feel bad at all but it was just funny that here i was trying to be discreet and then my flash goes off like it was like the exact opposite asking you're like asking my say for a blowjob from a hooker you're like should i feel bad about this no that's what she does she's got bruised knees for a reason let her blow you so either way so uh afterwards so tom came through and and we introduced ourselves to him and then he was like oh my god you know and he was like really excited because he knows who amy is uh he's been on amy's show actually i think and so he um he he then actually was hanging out with us not hanging out but like every time he was in the area he would come over and he would like talk to us like all night long

and um it was funny because so he's talking to us and i asked him about accessories i was like well if anyone knows about accessories it'll be tom was like, what do you think about it? Like, what accessories should I go for? And he, like, if you ask him for, like, a fashion tip or whatever, he is right there and ready. And he, like, he gives, like, detailed advice. It was kind of crazy and actually pretty cool. He was wearing a lava shirt and boots with jewels on them. Get out of here. I'm not saying I would follow his fashion, like, his fashion.

But he was, like, the advice he was giving me was pretty good plus he said i had a good jawline so i appreciated that i'm like tom forever tom tom bff forever um yeah i just kept coming by to snipe at him and then he would walk away it was fine well that wasn't mean i was just fucking with him so ronnie kept scaring me away so that was the funny part so we would be having these so we were actually having like a normal conversation with Tom. And then Ronnie would come by and you would say something crazy to him. You would be like, you need to be uglier. Like why are you so ugly?

I need you to be uglier. So that way – like you were doing like your humor. And you were like – but you were like – because you were also kind of like stoned and kind of drunk and all this stuff. And you were being really loud. How dare you? How dare you, sir? His eyes – the amount amount of if you guys could have seen the fear in tom's eyes it was like his he like didn't know whether to be like cool to

like just play along or if you were really coming for him and he was like so he would just literally run away literally i feel a responsibility whenever i talk whenever I see somebody that we talk about um I feel a responsibility to be almost too real like I talk shit about you so I have to be honest about it it's almost like when you see your friend yeah and you're like well we've been talking shit so I want you to know so you don't hear about this or something so I don't seem fake because to me it just seems like such a crazy world and when I see you and Amy Phillips, who are honestly, and I'm not even being a cunt when I say this, you're two of the nicest people in the world. Like, you're two of the, I hold you both in esteem because I never want to make either one of you mad because, like, you're legit good people. And I'm not, you know, I don't have that many in my life.

And so when I see you guys talking to Tom, it almost makes me mad. Like, oh, they're being so nice. I just know and I feel like it's my duty to say look Tom every dude has a friend every fat guy in LA has a friend like you that works out a lot and you're in shape and you take us to the gym and you make us work out and you're like easy bro

and then you climb a fucking rope and then we're outside in the alley barfing and you're like when do you want to do it again I was like never Tom that's when we want to do it leave fat people alone and it's funny but it was funny it was like a funny it was a funny but the thing is that like was what's funny is when we're watching like i know where you're taking it you know i because i know your humor and i know where it's going, but he doesn't know until you get there. I know, I love it.

So he has this look like you're actually really yelling at him, like, why would you fucking take Shay? I was. I know, but, like, so it's funny. Well, it was, like, we were a little, like, Terrified. We were a little terrified because it happened. That was my point, I think.

It works. So, but here's what was really funny to us. Julia, because at this point it was Julia, Amy, and I. And we were, at one point we were, you had gone off somewhere and we were like, oh gosh, we're sort of like on edge of what Ronnie's going to say next. So then James comes through. James. And he's wearing a tweed blazer and a scarf and everything. And first of all,

he looks, I think he looks better in person than he does on TV. Um, he has also a remarkably square face. That was the big takeaway. So we see James, he's coming through and they were like, Oh, like, you know, I feel like if, I feel like Tom can play a cool, but like James, I feel like Tom can play it cool, but like James, I feel like if Ronnie does his shtick with James, it might go down in a really bad way. I love that it's not even my shtick. It's just my obnoxious drunkenness. But either way, so we're like, uh-oh. So then at one point, James comes over and he's like talking to us. And then you come over and we're like, oh, here it goes.

Here it's about to happen. we could not have been more wrong you and james were like bosom buddies immediately you guys were like like toking up together and everything it was like you guys were totally made for each other because he doesn't care like tom is like that when he's not in business mode but there he's trying to decide whether he's supposed to be like in nice mickey mouse mode where he's just patting children on the head or whether he's going to be doing you know lines of coke off a wood table in a restaurant like he's trying to decide he doesn't know how to juggle those james doesn't give a fuck he'll wait he'll bust a table while doing a line off the table he was literally like like ronnie had like you had like one of the little um like a vape thing but like with weed in it i hope you don't mind me saying on the podcast and so um

i'm licensed yeah you can say so you guys you guys were taking taking you know hits off it i didn't because i know i've become like ridiculous um and the funny part was that like the music stopped because you know james was actually djing pump and he goes music stopped music stopped and he like runs away and uh and then he came back but i thought it was funny that he let the music stop uh because he liked you so much ronnie he liked you he wanted to soak up with you all the you know it's like all the drug addicts find each other doing he's like that one smells like vodka and he's got weed let's be friends i also they're all super nice it's just hilarious the justification of you guys and me because you know what julia would totally be a drunken slut with me i know she would

if you guys weren't there i knew one more martini and she would be julia and i were by the way julia and i were throwing him back i love that girl oh my god i love her she has kind of this voice and i'm like this girl's party what is she like, like 23? She's very young, too. She looks like a baby. The back girl can play both because I can see the little party girl in her. I loved her. That was like an instant love. I'll get it out, Julia Cunningham of EW Radio.

So one thing that was funny to me, A, was that when James was DJing, he was like in the DJ booth. You kept on calling it the pizza oven with a salad garden, which was funny. But then James was DJing. And it was funny because he's like in a tweed blazer with a scarf DJing, like these like turntables, which is not what you imagine a DJ to wear. But the other thing with James is that when he was talking to us and he was like, yeah, I was such a douchebag over the summer. And then he was like making fun of that. Take a take a look at this take a look at this uh-uh you know and uh what what julie and i both could not believe is that when he walked away we were both like he was like we always see on tv you're like why how is james like getting these girls he's such like a little like like like you know skeezy you know

any stream bean but in person it was like it's very charming full-on charm attack it's like shocking shocking also he does this thing i think his charm is in the fact that even no matter if he's being crazy or whatever he actually looks people in the eye and he talks to people directly in the eye and he doesn't look around the room and shit like that. Now, to anybody listening who thinks, duh, that's how people talk to each other, no, this is LA. It's a town of robot people

where you can't act a certain way or say a certain thing and people are always looking around the room while they talk to you. It's very rare to talk to somebody without their eyes darting behind you to see what's better behind you, and he doesn't while they talk to you. It's very rare to talk to somebody without their eyes darting behind you to see what's better behind you. And he doesn't. He looks at you, he listens to you,

and it's like, wow, that's amazing that the one you would think you wouldn't like the most is actually the only one who's actually paying attention. The rest of them are just walking around acting like Princess Diana. Well, I mean, when she was alive, I guess. Like signing things and being mad at some queen who's not there. Yeah. Well, I mean, when she was alive, I guess. Like signing things and being mad at some queen who's not there.

Yeah. Well, it was a really fun night. And exchanged information with Tom Sandoval. He wants to come on the podcast. So we're going to hopefully have him on soon enough. I guess I should text him. But maybe in the new year. It'll probably be hard to get a hold of him.

But Chris, then we we're gonna have him on one of the things about Vanderpump Rules that I like we love making fun of those dodo words but they're actually all likable like we actually all kind of I mean we even like stupid Kristen you know because the thing is this there's an acknowledgement that what we see on TV

what we make fun of on TV there's like a difference between that and like in real life. And, you know, you can make all sorts of high-minded arguments about the blurring of the lines between reality and character, etc, etc. And I'm sure the things that we say are still pretty hurtful. But we just respond to what we see on TV. And that's the whole point of this podcast is, you know, we're just like, you know, your friends. Like when you're watching TV, this is what you respond to. It's like the people's couch or anything else.

And so I know sometimes the things that we say can seem harsh. But the truth is that when you meet them in person, they're all actually like pretty normal, cool people. Yeah, so if you're on Bravo and you ever see me coming at you in public, know that I will yell at you, but only for fun. It's like a yell hug it's a you know we'll laugh and get high together in the balcony and then we'll just be friends forever it's gonna be great guys take it i may be a bitch but i'm not a fake bitch plus ronnie

looked super cute in his scarf and his uh hat i'd like to add i was so sad the next day when i saw that i looked ridiculous but no i was so cold and i i just went to h&m and the only thing i can fit into are scarves there yeah you looked really cute um yeah so uh that was a fun night so thank you all bravo people and amy filipa for making that little bravo christmas party that was a good time and we should all do that much more. Yes. So now, guess what? Guess what time it is now, Ronnie? Krappen's Mailbag with new Krappen's Mailbag music. Krappen's Mailbag, Krappen's Mailbag.

That song's going to rise to the top of the charts. Yeah. We got sick and tired of the orchestral piece taking too long, so we made something that's a combination of church bells and dramatic violins, brontosaurus whale, and sheep. All we need is the sound of the postman driving up and then stopping that square truck in the front. That, like... We should have had a little car toot. Bong, bong, bong, bong,ong bong bong bong bong bong what's in the bag all right well we have several questions but we'll save most of

them for the next show since we've talked so much before getting to a recap so um why don't we get to what katherine asks this is actually very top chef uh related she says which housewife would you sous vide for those of you who don't know sous vying is uh basically when i think you like put meat in a bag and you cook it like like below a certain temperature in this weird machine and every season on top chef someone tries to sous vide something and it is a disaster every single time so which housewife would you want to put in a little bag cook at a at a lower temperature than the normal and then have it be a disaster well one of the reasons you sous vide basically you're're boiling something, but it's in a Ziploc. Okay. So the reason you sous vide is to keep the moisture and the delicate nature of a meat. And I can't think of a housewife who's got any moisture left in her.

Like, what are you trying to preserve? It's like sous viding a pretzel. You know, it's just going to be dried old crumbs anyway when you're done. It's a point. Yeah, I know. How about we marinate them and then sous vide? Can we do that? Can we put some teriyaki in the bag and then throw them in the boiling water? I don't like the idea of one of these housewives slathered in teriyaki sauce.

It's just a little too much. I'm just imagining the twins from New Jersey, like two pieces of beef jerky in teriyaki sauce. I was trying to give Hayley advice, and then she put me in a Ziploc of teriyaki sauce. Whatever. Should I sous vide this instant rice? Hashtag injustice. I tried sous videing minute rice for 10 minutes.

It didn't work. Hashtag sous vide Orman. Sous vide Orman. It's your responsibility to make sure you're tender why are you not tender this is your responsibility are you a real chicken breast or not uh the machine has a little like old jacket on it it's all saving up okay so who should be sous vide let's see here god i can't think of one of these someone who should be serving honestly boiled um you know it could really be any of them i mean why not uh you know sometimes when you boil things when you cook them you want to like you want to kill all the bacteria

inside so i don't know that that would be a good a good case for like tamra i feel like tamra's my answer to all these theoretical questions. It's like, who would you want Grandpa to take? Tamara, who would you want to sous vide? Tamara. Who would you want to have your last dinner with? Tamara. It's like good things and bad things.

Yeah. How about Portia? Because, you know, I can see Portia getting into a little plastic bag and be like, it's for my health reasons. Well, at least we know that she's wrapping her shit up in plastic every once in a while. It's like trying to take care of our little tiny new newbie hoe. Yeah. I would sue the Lala, darling,

because Lala is at that ripe age. We want to keep her out forever. Put her in the bag, but don't drop her in the boiling water just yet. Just put her on the shelf so she can never expire. And every time I train someone new in the pantry, I can say,

look up and be nice to Lala. Don't boil Lala. Don't boil her. Actually, Hanky's the one we should probably sous vide because I bet Hanky tastes delicious. Why don't people eat swan? I don't think,

I don't know. I think there's just too much neck when you're cooking a bird that's always the part you have that's gonna be that's off and shit that's gonna be hanky's podcast too much neck with hanky hanky vanderpump and it's gonna be like like a hanky's gonna do like an air snap with his neck and the song can be out on a neck you guys shirley mcclan past lives no don't buy it okay still all these years later we haven't talked about that tv movie ever so i had to mention it i can't tell if this is you speaking or theoretically hanky on too much neck podcast

you know i'm gonna run that whole podcast anyway yeah I'm going to be like, I'm Hanky. Hello. Welcome to my podcast. Topic number one. Shirley MacLaine. Quack quack. I give her two quacks. One for being a quack and one for being a bitch.

Quack quack. Shirley MacLaine out on a limb. Hated it. Double circle quack. Postcards from the edge. How about return to sender? Quack quack. Swcards from the edge. How about return to sender? Quack, quack. Swans on film.

I know. We've turned him into a dandy. He has little glasses and a beret. Two quacks and a snap quack. That's the sound of his, like, wings snapping. On today's show, we'll be sitting at the edge of the pool looking at a statue that looks just like a mailmaster. Hopefully they'll be coming out soon. Oh, it's just Rocio with some pellets.

Give them to the dark swan, darling. All they're doing is gossiping anyway, darling. I like to think of Hanky in the pool with his little Yeti microphone recording his podcast talking shit about the Black Swans. I just got a new microphone. I can't explain why this podcast still sounds like shit, but it does.

And it will forever. Thank you for listening to episode 397. Dearest Hanky. Thank you, bonus episodes Yes Today we don't have anything planned So we're going to talk about pressure cookers

Herpes and fake Lyme disease Thank you for coming Hanky's like Please donate to my Patreon campaign I'm trying to save up enough money to get some extra fish in the pond Thank you Today we're sharing recipes for pellets uh today my special guest is mrs swan and her offensive portrayal of my people

swan you look like a man you're looking like a man uh i still like the idea of of hanky uh talking about shirley mclean like that's what every episode is i'm just shading shirley mclean this is for some tv movie from the 80s oh shirley hopefully in your next life you can escape the ridicule from that movie downton abbey more like uptown shabby when she came on the show get off my british drama so how did that end anyway down abbey are they all dead i don't know you know the the last um from last season the last like five episodes i was gonna watch got recorded like the dvr erased them so um i'm like still midway through last season and i'm not sure i mean i love down abbey but i hope it ends where they just go through so much time because in that

show they go through like decades but they still all look the same. Yeah. Like, now it is the 1940s. I want them to just end up, I don't know, like, in our time. Like, being mad. I'm still mad. Lala blew two people in one week, darling. The man is on her.

What is Lala? Anyway. Okay. This is going to be 20 hours. We're not even recapping the show yet. Is there another mailbag? We'll just do the other mailbags on Thursday. So for everyone who wants to hear more mailbags, that's it.

But we can play the mailbag theme song one more time as a closing music. Please do. This was Krappen's Mailbag. That song is like my relationship. Bookends. On one end of it, there's a bookend. On the other end of the books, there's a bookend.

By the way, the Crappin's Mailbag is really more of an opening sound. I feel like when you hear bells, that means we're opening the mailbag. We don't really have a closer. We should just have one of those square mail trucks driving away, all puttery and slow. It's like... Like that.

Yeah, that's what it sounds like with Bert. Bert the mailman in. He's like, your dog's going to be mean to me one day. And I was like, never. He loves you. And then immediately, Bueller tried to bite him. Sorry, Bert. Speaking about things that go chasing after trucks, let's go after the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

It was a nice truck. Duke, Duke. So, Portia, every guy, the end of every porsche day ends like hope floats with that little girl just sobbing while the truck drives away with a father in it oh i was thinking it just ends like the opening credits of what's happening with porsche running after our pickup trucks that she'll never get onto i think it ends like she's like rerun there's always like one that's all dried out and no one ate and it's covered in green spots

and you just toss it. Oh, so anyway. The end. The end. Portia becomes a crusty bagel. All right, moving on. I'm like, how dare you talk about my favorite food that way? I will not have Portia.

I will not contribute to this metaphor, okay? I wanted to contribute in a way that would be meaningful to you, Bing. She's a bialy at best. She's a Kaiser roll. I'm an everything tortilla. Okay. So, Kenya. Real Housewives of Atlanta.

So, this was such a funny episode. Oh, my God. I was dying watching this. And I won't, since this is already five hours long, I won't do the whole previously, but I thought it was so funny that they repeated Kim Tootie saying, Where's Kimmy?

Who is she? Kimmy's not even on the radar! And I was like, yeah, truer words, darling. Truer words. Yeah. So the episode began with Kenya showing her box house to uh i think to porsche to porsche and shiree something like and uh oh candy and shiree that's right and shiree i love shiree and kenya's new just being mean to each other for fun yeah they love it so cute shiree's like oh look at this oh that house is deep down there that's

really in the ditch girl this is six flags roller coaster deep yeah and kenny's like look we like we look we built all this part in just like one week charie not four years i'm like well guess what have you ever seen a set being built it takes it takes like one day to put up wood the key is actually putting everything inside it okay good luck with that you can't just spray paste paint a piece of foam to look like marble and expect it to keep out rain all right kenya yeah in her theater house yeah exactly it's literally she has set decorations so candy is here for some reason which i just thought it was such a funny invite because it's Sheree and Kenya. That's such a weird group. Why were they

inviting Candy in the first place? Then Candy shows up all pregnant and Sheree's like, don't fall in there. There's a leaf. We're going down a hill. Slippery. Leaf is slippery. So they get down and Candy has basically what I just said on her face. She's like,

what? Why am I here now? I made my drive all the way here for this. We was like, rally. We're not rallying. Everybody needs to show Candy that they're saving money because nobody loves a bargain more than Candy. She's like, look at this. It was a piece of junk.

I got it for $5. And she's like expecting a hug from Candy. Candy's like, where's the other house? Aren't there supposed to be two houses? So this one's from Mama Joyce, right? Nah, other house. Is there a bigger house not in the ditch that I get to live in with Todd? I know.

So basically, it's like this. The whole point of this, and they're cross-cutting with like porsche and is it i don't forget shimmy yeah that's right so they're all planning a trip to miami so porsche and kenya are planning a trip together to miami you know to make up for the boat trip that went wrong aka they're just like you you sure you want to get on a boat? Yeah, we're going to make everything up by going on another boat. Great idea, Portia. If we know anything about history, it never repeats itself. Phaedra's just glad to go to another place where she can talk about her vagina still working.

I'm like, okay, a bikini store. So far, Phaedra's been to a bikini store, a porn store, a dildo store, like a jockstrap store, a stripper store. It's like everywhere she goes, she needs to be able to talk about her tits in some way or how she's like always getting laid. Yeah. Well, Portia's like, she's talking about how strange it is that she and Kenya are putting a trip together. She's like, you know, we're sort of like oil and water, oil and vinegar. It's like, you know, we're sort of like oil and water, oil and vinegar. It's like, yeah. She's like,

well, it's sort of like a light Italian dressing, you know, like with like a creamy Italian vinaigrette, something like that. Darling, you're like a pre-mixed

wishbone, all right, with all of the capsicosing ingredients intact. They're not even a pre-mixed wishbone. They're one of those packets

you pour into like a, pour into water to make the dressing. They're like one of those packets of dry tuna that you just add water to, and then it turns into tuna fish. Oh, yeah, that's true. So then we have this cute scene of Tootie getting ready for the trip. And little Sebastian, you know how much I love that Sebastian? He's playing with these dinosaurs, and he's like, Mom, can you take these books so you can read them to me over Skype?

That would be great. She's like, you know that she is more excited about it than he is. She's like, yes, I get to bring the books. Yes. Thankfully, I'll have something to do. You're not going to replace Mommy? You're not going to change the set to a candy store when Mommy leaves? He's like, no, Mother.

Please take the books and read them to me with emotion over the face time she's like i love you i love you children um don't carpool without me don't carpool without me yeah i'm having your father carpool please facetime me so i can make sure that he's not getting too close to other bumpers in line everybody hates that i'm just making her julie from ladies of london i know and my my porsche voice is basically turning into audrey from little shop of hearts i can't help it oh my porsche is just gretchen yeah that's true but i i say this every week now but i used to have a different porsche but now that my porsche is just like this it doesn't make any sense

i have five crayons and I will color any coloring book with them. I'll just change the name of the crayon. It's not Sienna. It's Orange. So Portia's excited, by the way, because she's excited for this trip because it's going to be a good chance to turn up. But I kind of feel bad because I feel like

she actually is just looking for turnips. She's like, I'm just excited to go to the store and buy some turnips. You know that Portia would never eat a turnip. That came out of the ground. That was grown in poo-poo. She's like, why are you cooking that baseball? So they go to the airport. Wait, I have to say, why is Candy wearing an umbrella inside?

I was wondering the same thing, too. They go into the construction site, and candy wearing an umbrella inside i was wondering the same thing too go into the construction site maybe she's hoping he has an umbrella because you know something's gonna fall on her head i love candy you know she was just trying to mary poppins it out of there she's like see now bro take me out to the sky because in the middle of that house a big wind could come through and take her out um so then it's like on the in the airport and they're all meeting at the curb people taking pictures from their cars driving by um and i love that like little noelle she can drive now she drops off cynthia and she's like good luck and they're like why are you saying good luck it's like good luck bye gone she knows she knows it's gonna be a disaster she's like good luck starting fights

with people who don't give a shit about you have fun mom bye oh poor Cynthia she comes out trying to pretend she's NeNe she's like I can't wait to go on this trip and just be peaceful and not start a fight with anybody just kidding get out of here not NeNe

don't even try bring your Swiffer and put yourself to work okay because that's all you're good for around here shut up fake evil so let's see so everyone gets the curbs is there anything was there anything funny about that i just said that they all i'm going tammy's husband doing really good at getting through it because i'm still on like we could help the government i'm like oh shut up porsche if we can make up we can fix the middle west no i think that was kenya who said that that's like if porsche and i could reach across the aisle then that means good things for our government whatever i'm like oh i can't

imagine what aisle you're reaching across but it's probably a very dirty awful aisle i put cynthia in jeep rental cynthia i taped you tight girl she's like mrs swan mrs swan is just gonna come up a dirty, awful aisle. I put Cynthia in Jeep rental. Cynthia, I tape too tight, girl. She's like Mrs. Swan. Mrs. Swan is just going to come up a million times today because that's how we roll. That's so funny that we have two Mrs. Swan references. I think what Cynthia is doing, because you know I love to look at the rings around the neck,

like a tree ring, and count them. And Cynthia never has them, so I have to look at her facial surgery and see where her hairline is and stuff, but she wears pieces, so I can't tell. So I think what she's doing is she's using that eye tape that drag queens use under their wigs to pull their eyes back just with tape. Yeah, her eyes were looking a little like pulled back. I noticed that in the interviews.

It looks like a mix between someone pushing all their facial skin forward to make an arm chubby choke. My mama's chubby. My mama's chubby. My dad's chubby. But instead of wrinkles, it's just smooth skin and then the eyes are pulled back like Mrs. Swan. It's weird.

It's like fattest and racist at the same time. Yeah. Well, she still looks beautiful and more beautiful than anyone else on this cast. So you keep on tucking your eyes back. Whatever.

Keep that tape coming keep that double sided tape coming so i put groovy oregon plane music yeah just like the music on this show and then sam is already facetiming the damn kids portrait does her makeup the whole time miami they start talking about pecking order in this rental well i was actually surprised because i mean this is the first time we've ever seen it in any real housewife show where they actually discussed in a mature way who should get what room and they're all like yeah let's give it to candy i was like oh so we're not going to be treated to the typical traditional scene of women sprinting around the house and going mine mine mine no because even on a different show in a different city, Ramona's still in the master bedroom, busting crossboys around.

Sorry, this is the one I chose. Sorry. Sorry, this is my trip, okay? Okay. Okay. I love this room. It reminds me of sunshine. Pronto late.

Pronto late. It's called Spanish, okay? So they show up at the mansion, and Shamia's already there. Kenya, I mean, Kenya hates this girl, and she is talking about how Shamia's already there. Kenya, I mean, Kenya hates this girl and she is talking about how Shamia's already picked out a room and I love how she called her Shimmy Shimmy Cocoa Puff. I was like, nothing like a good Nelly reference to take someone down a peg.

Kenya is talking only in drag queen lines this season. She's saying things like, yes, girl! Yes! Yes, girl! And then in this one, she's like, you is not smart, you is not kind, and you is not important. Is then in this one, she's like, you is not smart. You is not kind. And you is not important.

Is that precious? No, that's from the help. Oh, the help. Because she said, if I just finish a sentence, I'd know. It says, you is the help. And I'm like, damn, Kenya, are you a drag queen now? I know. It's like all color purple lines, which, by the way, you're talking to it. Everyone's like, you hypocrite.

Yes, that's how i know darling well then um well then i like the one shimmy picks out of her bedroom that kenya's like oh it's the thought quarters wow there's nothing to say i mean it's like she already made the joke i'm just saying that i appreciated the joke i can't joke on the joke and cynthia cynthia what cynthia thought about this whole room thing was cracking me up because Cynthia's like, excuse me, Shamia gets to pick her own room. I'm like, no, girl, this is your first trip. This is level one in Housewives. First, you have to be friends with someone you hate and just kiss their ass. And then you have to turn on them in a magazine.

And then you have to get married to someone you don't love so you'll have a husband. It's like, let's please not go through your whole history okay you earned the couch get on it yeah i love that that kim decided to sleep in the living room i love that and i love that then um they put up a chyron that said kim's couch instead of everyone else had like kenya's room and shamia's room and kim's couch poor kim she's just so excited to have a couch without like shit all over it you know like baby poop like stains she's like i just love this couch i love that i love sleeping in the living room because people can just come walk in here you know and i can have a bunch of people in here it'll feel like a carpool like a stationary carpool finally there's a tv without spongebob on it

wait is there spongebob here is there a satellite here i need spongebob in here where's my raffy cd oh my god lock tootie in the servant's quarters just surrounded by dildos and just don't let her out until she figures out what to do i know so meanwhile upstairs kenya starts stirring the pot with shiree and tammy's. Kenya's talking to Sheree. And, you know, of course, she's saying things like, you know, it's funny because Tammy was saying all this stuff about you in the car. And, you know, of course, they rehash how Tammy says, like, I guarantee the only reason why Sheree and Bob Woodfield ever got together is because he played football. I mean, she sounds like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon, first of all. But second of all,

it was just, you know, so then Sheree's like, what? I can't let you say that. Why would she say that about me? Why would she say that about me? I don't have anything bad to say about her.

If anyone should be mad, it should be me. She told my husband, love my mama. She talks so fast. I love when Sheree gets mad and just does speed talk. I know. It's so funny.

What's your name? You pretty much don't get the, like, if she has a ten-word sentence, you don't get words three through eight, but you will maybe get word four. What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? through eight but you will maybe get word four so sorry no go ahead go ahead no i realized i already made that joke like two weeks ago that's right sound like she's being scrubbed forward and yes she does she sounds like window cleaning but then stops stops. Like a Windex. Windex on a mirror. What are you going to play with me for? I love when she gets, I love when she gets over excited. She's like,

Her vomit sock. I can't do it. Like I literally can't do it. How much is that? Or when she's trying to pretend that she's really nice coming into the group, she goes,

Hey! Hey! Okay, what's the matter? Or when she's trying to pretend that she's really nice coming into the group, she goes, I can't do it. I have to practice that one because I'm just sounding like a crazy person now. We just have to do it as it comes because those sound hilarious. It's like when you hear a bunch of people speaking a different language and you don't know the words, but you can tell what they're saying because of the tone of their voice yeah she speaks in sim in sim similar sim simlish you know you know where the sims the way they talk that's how she talks she sounds like someone standing behind a really thick wall yelling at somebody else you know like you're trying to pick out the pipe yeah you're like there with a plastic cup so yeah kim runs and steals the living room which

is so fucking ridiculous uh and it made me really feel bad for her but i like that kim is the one who's acting like i'm so nice and i don't understand this and people are so immature but she's actually one of the most judgmental ones and she gets cranky real quickly she's walking through the house and she's mad that Shamia has picked her room. Like Kim was going to go for the, Kim would have slept on the laundry machine if they let her on the washing machine. But she's like looking around and she goes, well,

I guess she said something about Shamia. She's like, well, um, I guess Shamia didn't put the living room onto her because she's just busy running around being naked. Yeah. Oh no. You're a young person, Kim. Come on back. put the living room onto her because she's just busy running around being naked yeah oh no you're a young person kim come on back you do it you do it kim so uh so anyway so kenya's golden pond all right you're too young for that so well while kim is uh building a door for her living room

uh kenya's upstairs winding up sheree and uh i did enjoy that when she told sheree not to pull cynthia and then she goes don't do it i'm 50 50 years old i was like you know i sort of respect kenya for making a molly shannon reference i like that i don't because she's repeating anything any drag queen has ever told her it's just brandon she's just repeating things that her gay friend yeah but you know what, though? If it comes from Molly Shannon, if it's derived from Molly Shannon, I am a-okay with that. She's one of my favorite SNL people of all time. 50 years old.

Kenya's just ridiculous. And all she does is start fights for stupid reasons. And I don't like that. Look, that's why I didn't like Brandy. I didn't mind that Brandy was bitchy or mean or vindictive or whatever. Any of that stuff. I didn't like that she was just making shit up. Like, your lives suck enough.

All we need to do is watch sucky life. You don't have to be making shit up all the time, can you? Well, you know, I think Kim had a very salient observation later at dinner. And speaking of which, they go to dinner at Barton G in Miami, which is like a crazy, ridiculous restaurant. There's one of those. There's one of them in L.A. here, and L.A. Times just tore it apart. Was it the L.A. Times? I think it was the L.A. Times. Maybe L.A. Weekly tore it apart. But that's beside the point.

So they're all at dinner. They're sitting around a table that looks like they're at a wedding party, you know? Because it's shot and it needs it has to be it needs to be shaped in a way that the cameras can shoot them all so they're seeing this very strange horseshoe configuration almost like they're getting married at medieval times yeah exactly so they're getting all these crazy plates being put in front of front of them and they all have like wood stumps and like that their food is on and then kim fields decides to make an announcement she's like everyone i just if you guys like she like, I just want everyone to know that, you know, it's been three hours and I've never spent this much time away from my family.

I don't know if I'll be able to make it much longer, but I just want to pat myself on the back because I'm doing it. I'm putting up the good fight. It's like, congratulations, Kim. Because I'm doing it. I'm putting up the good fight. It's like, congratulations, Kim. I would like to announce that I am chewing up food, and I do not plan to put chewed up food in a baby's mouth. I will actually swallow said chewed up food. Can I get a round of some juice to toast with?

Thank you. She's like, if you guys wouldn't mind, could we all just get into a car and drive someplace? Just so I can feel like we're in a carpool. It's been too long. Too long. a car and drive someplace just so I can feel like we're in a carpool. It's been too long. Too long. I would like to announce that I am willing to go to

the bathroom with anybody here and clean the mess on their butt. It would make me feel great and it would be like a mess hug. Thanks. If anyone would like a little wipe down on their hands because they've got some dirt on them, I am here. I have tissues and I have the

sanitary things. It's totally fine. Purell. I got Purell left and them. I am here. I have tissues, and I have the sanitary things. It's totally fine. Purell. I got Purell up and running. She's like, oh, did you guys see these specials? Once upon a time. She starts reading them the nighttime book for her kid. She's like, okay, guys, we have a great night.

I've planned out tonight. We can watch either The Little Mermaid 3 or The rescuers part 4 or aladdin part 2 anything directed little mermaid 7 does not get enough credit okay like i was thinking just everything direct to dvd to disney i'm like i'm ready some things are too brilliant for the theater okay i like that they took poor kim who hasn't been out of the house like i don't know since that last sitcom and didn't she had to go to work somewhere but it's like she's leaving the house and they take her to this restaurant where it's all future food it's like a foodie art place where what do they call that it's so dumb but it's like frozen a frozen snack pea but it's really a piece of chocolate cake oh that's um

uh gash oh molecular gastronomy yeah so it's that so everything's smoking and looks crazy and the chicken comes on chicken sticks and uh i don't know it's just all foaming and has fog coming off of it it's like you guys kim has not seen restaurant food in years. You can't just make her think the whole world's changed. She's like, I don't even know how to eat this food. I just want to go home. She's like, I need my juice boxes. Is there a number two with super-sized fries anywhere here? Why is it smoking?

I need a fruit roll-up. And then candy. So all this drama starts going on at this wedding table at medieval times with smoking food and chicken on a stick. And then Candy's sitting right in the middle of this. And I guess she's marrying a chicken because she's got a big wood block in front of her. Like a giant kitchen wood block for bread or whatever with a gigantic chicken on it. And it's just her eating the whole chicken herself while she watches everybody else fight die nobody has anything in

front of them except candy has a huge chicken by herself well she's pregnant now so she's like she i think she even said at one point she's like like you don't make me wait for to eat like one for eden or eden so tammy starts talking about her man and uh she's like talking about her husband and i love this is when charie she comes in with her shade she's like i'm glad tammy has a picture perfect marriage she must have used my husband as practice which of course the way she says like i'm gonna tell me how to perform she has a perfect match I just wrote really big charade attacks. Yeah, I love a charade attack. Charade is like, well, Terry, while Candy finishes that gizzard, I wanted to ask you, do you sleep with Bob?

Do you sleep with Bob? Do you sleep with Bob? Do you sleep with Bob? Do you sleep with Bob? Are you saying the Super Bowl? Are you saying something about the Super Bowl? Do you sleep with Bob? And Tammy, who's seriously sitting there in a red towel with a brooch on it.

Yeah. Tammy's hilarious, and she needs to be on every Housewives show forever. I don't even know what she's doing. It's so funny. She's wearing a towel with a brooch and Phaedra when she was getting dressed was like, girl, what? She's like, it's a towel with a brooch. She's like, I haven't seen

girls like that since baby Jesus was born and they came outside the manger. Oh, Phaedra. Anyway, so she starts going after tammy and tammy uses her vanderpump rules law school argument seriously what are you kidding right now what are you kidding are you serious are you serious right now seriously i was being i was just being a defensive friend so she starts saying no i, I never slept with him. And Sharae is not a good liar.

Sharae is very good at telling her truth, even if it's crazy, in a very high-pitched, unintelligible voice. But she's not really a liar, I don't think. Sharae's more a truthful person. So when she says, now tell me, I asked Bob. And he had all these names. And he said, with everybody who came into our house. And he mentioned you. But when she said he mentioned you, I was like, no, he didn't. You could just tell she's lying.

She, like, looked off into a different direction. Her eye twitched. Her finger shook. I was like, you are the worst liar I've ever seen in my life. And also, Bob slept with everybody who came into your house. I hope you never had that shit painted yeah like someone come over to fix the sink because that bob's having all kinds of workmen yeah well tammy was like oh no like bob's like not even my type like oh yeah and that i remember

because that was hilarious she's like bob I've never been attracted to Bob. He's bigger than Hagrid. He's cross-eyed. And he's got the intelligence of, like, Mike Tyson with a hammer to the head. Like, why? Why would you think that? I dare you, Bob. He's fun.

He's handsome. He's a big man. He's beautiful. So then it became, then who said something to Kat? Somebody got mad at Kenya. Well, because Tootie goes, because it was all getting very insular. This is when Portia goes, Who told you that?

And she's like, Kenya. Sure, itoda, hoda, hoda. Who told you that? And she's like, Kenya. Shire goes, Kenya. And then Kenya starts laughing her evil drag queen laugh. And then it starts with Tootie getting all mortified. Are we grown-ass women talking like this? And everyone's like, shut up. Shut up and read your story time book to yourself. Tootie's right.

So then Tootie says the table in a very passive- but totally correct way she goes food for thought sometimes it doesn't feel like there's a big difference between information and instigation it's like damn tootie she's right so everyone was like oh dr phil dr phil i like kenya's response she's like really tootie you don't want to mess with kenya okay and if you need to know the difference between information and instigation i'll get you a dictionary i like it i'm like yeah versus kenya fight and then kim just gave kenya such a stink eye wow 2d does not like kenya and they've been they've been planting that seed the past several episodes but 2d has no respect for kenya and she was right i mean kenya i mean kenya is a total Tootie does not like Kenya. And they've been planting that seed the past several episodes.

But Tootie has no respect for Kenya. And she was right. I mean, Kenya is a total instigator. And she knows that's her role. I mean, she's obnoxious about it. But then Kenya's always like, I was just saying what I heard. This is just what people told me. I'm just passing it along. In case if they have an issue with each other and we have to hang out, this way they can get it out in the open.

Well, since Kim's only identity now is as a mom, her reaction, of course, is to be a mom and be like, young lady, there's no difference between Insta and Infa or whatever. But you cannot try and be a mother to Kenya. That's like the biggest mommy issue. Even Kenya's mother didn't want to be a mother to kenya that's like the biggest mommy issue even kenya's mother didn't want to be a mother to kenya well and that's the thing like and it's not you know not even to be mean about it but she's got mommy issues like the last thing you want to do is try and get all mommy with kenya because she'll lose it on your ass but she's the one person who needs her to be real for once but she needs to she needs to have someone be a mommy to her because she does not know what's up a lot yeah she'll be like you're peeler do i look like i'm doing nothing okay i do

good good answer people just stop barking man so anyway make your life silent mean darling like the rest of us so now it's time to go on to day two of the miami adventure which is uh it starts off with kim in a chair having a gospel moment she's like i mean nothing happened she's just having a gospel moment she's in a she's in she's got a walkman on like the old tape kind yeah with an old jesus tape in there and she's like i'm with jesus my girl you in miami you're probably sitting on a cum stain right now. Shut up. And so then around this time, this is when Phaedra, you know, this is when Phaedra made

our predictions from last week come true, which is last week we compared everyone from the show to Wizard of Oz. What characters they'd be in the Wizard of Oz. And sure enough, Phaedra, she goes and starts, she calls Kenya the Wicked Witch. Yeah, she'sra, she goes and starts – she calls Kenya the wicked witch.

Yeah, she's like, she's not Glinda. She's the mean, mean bitch or whatever. And I thought it was funny that she couldn't quite place Kenya either because we couldn't either. I was like, well, she's not the nice witch, and she's not really the mean witch either. I'm not really sure what she is, but she is going to be crushed under the weight of a house that she can't afford I guess that makes her the green one and we won, it's like we won a psychic Real Housewives of Atlanta competition

yes we certainly did we win exactly what Portia won in her divorce nothing what a fitting prize what did Dorothy get sent back to fucking Kansas, wow what a winner What a fitting prize. Yeah. What, did Dorothy get sent back to fucking Kansas? Wow.

What a winner. So, you know, it wouldn't be a Housewives of Atlanta trip without the traditional going to the beach or pool montage fashion show of crazy bikinis and bikini coverall, whatever you call those things that you wear over. Crazy bikinis and bikini coverall, whatever you call those things that you wear over. Phaedra's ass hanging out of a hefty bag that a cat has taken its claws to. And then what was Portia wearing? The same thing. They were actually wearing almost the exact same slutty outfit. It was like there was like maybe a slight difference in the silhouette, but it was like they both were wearing the same salmon colored shredded whatever. i forget what you call those things that go over a bathing suit but it's like a ziploc bag from 365 you can put

whatever you want in it but it's not going to keep anything in there that shit doesn't close it looked like a tangled slinky that's what it looked like i used to have i used to have a salmon colored slinky growing up and that's what looked like they were wearing oh i don't know why i'm thinking of this i don't even have it written down but i looked like they were wearing oh i don't know why i'm thinking of this i don't even have it written down but i love when they were eating dinner and kenya got so mad at and she's and phedra goes oh you better watch out tootie you don't want to go against you don't want to go against kenya you better get those roller skates ready i'm like what kind of fights does phedra have that roller skates come into it like what is she gonna beat kenya with some skates come into it. Like, what, is she going to beat Kenya with some skates? I like to imagine it happening in that Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.

What was it called? Star-Lot Express. Star-Lot Express. Star-Lot Express. Where Judy's going around in a circle, and Kenya's in the middle shooting lightning out of her hands, and Judy's dodging it. They're like, sorry, the skate Grizabella has fallen down,

and we've replaced her with Kenya. Skate Grizabella has fallen down, and we've replaced her with Kenya. Skate Grizabella. She's like, the caboose was so mean to you when you weren't here, front of train. I don't even understand it, because I never saw the show. Well, Grizabella is from Cats, but I just remember Starlight Express. They're all on roller skates, and they're playing trains.

They're all a different train car. I was like, this can't work. It's about trains. I had no idea. We came out with cars later and I was like, oh really? Carlight Express? Fuck off, Disney. I had no idea that they were all trains. I thought they were just people that went around in roller skates in circles.

No, they're trains. There's like a caboose. Oh my god, that's so ridiculous. That's why I was saying the Grizabella train car, because Grizabella's the old one on the tire singing Memory. She dies and goes off to cat heaven, right? Someone oil-chained the Grizabella caboose. What was the name of the cat, Mr. Mistoffelees? Magical Mr. Mistoffelees. Magical Mr. Mistoffelees.

Oh, no. I never had ever seen a cat so clever as Magical Mr. Mistoffelees. No, I haven't. Thanks for asking, kids. So, speaking of cats, I mean, the one thing that was more festive than a good old production of cats which someone told me is coming back um is a dance party on a yacht so the girls they get

onto a yacht this is the day how the day begins again the yacht and they all just start dancing and it's a montage like dance party and you see kim she is she is overwhelmed and every time they cut to kim everyone's like yeah like turn up turn up and because the kim she is she is overwhelmed and every time they cut to kim everyone's like yeah like turn up turn up and because to kim she's like everyone watch your step it's slippery look out there's a step there sit down in the boat put on your life jacket what are you doing i can't take it anyone want a capri sun capri sun anyone they stop at this bar in miami and this cast fucking hilarious porsche just walks up to the biggest person there, the biggest hot guy. And he's like, oh, yeah, you from Atlanta too?

She's like, yeah, papi, I'm from Atlanta. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. By the way, I was saying that to my. You better step off my burrito, papi. I'm like, oh, my God, please stop trying to speak the language. Just be quiet. Just be quiet, Squeak. Yeah.

And then meanwhile, they're all ordering drinks. And Kim's like, I'll have a cranberry juice. She's like, it's not because I don't drink. I just want a cranberry juice. Oh, Kim. Those things are not detoxifying if you're washing down, like, graham crackers and, like, cheese. What are those? Wrap cheese sticks?

Are they mozzarella sticks or whatever? Yeah, string cheese. It's not going to detoxify, you know, goldfish crackers, Kim. Just have a vodka. So Kim is like, she starts to lose it. She starts to cry. And she like doesn't understand all this dancing. Like, why do you just dance without your husband?

I don't understand it. Poor girl. It's like as if like, you know if six people tried to get in the carpool but the car only accommodates five. That's beyond regulation. You can't do that. Too many people in the carpool. I don't get this. I don't understand a world where people just dance to dance.

What are they doing? They're just dancing just to dance. Why else do you dance, Kim? She literally said that. They're not trying to burn calories. Warner Brothers ain't making them lose weight to, like, fit in the same roller shoot. She's like, what are they doing? Why would you do this to yourself?

Where are the chaperones? How could you dance without chaperones? Her husband must feel like the limpest penis in town right now. Because you know everywhere that poor man goes, people are like, so you never fuck your husband? I mean, you never fuck your husband i mean you never fuck your wife not even once she's acting like she's never seen it heard it you've never seen her boobs you guys have never danced really never dance i know how would people dance just to dance kim is like every crazy quote-unquote old person in a video from the 80s you know when there's like a video from the 80s and that like a party breaks out and old people come by and they like shake their they wag

their finger like stop that right now that's what kim is like oh my god there's a party the kids are partying in the high school oh my god it's like the opposite of girls want to have fun yeah it's like the opposite video of that it's like cindy lopper instead of dancing around and singing she's just like sitting there and looking at people and shaking her finger out her window. Like, you kids on your hoverboards and you're holding your drinks for no reason? Why are they pink? Why?

Girls just wanna have carpool. Oh, girls, they wanna have carpool, carpool. That's all they really want. Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, That's all they really want. What in the world does they go to? Oh, girls, they want to have carpool. Wait, wait. Crosswalk. Carpool after carpool. If you walk and you are driving. Carpool after carpool. On Hanky's podcast. If you walk, and you walk, and you are driving, couple after couple. Today, on Hanky's podcast, we're talking to Kim Fields.

And not understanding why people would dance just to dance. Kim, what say you? I'm not like this, I can't take it. Oh, shut up, you basic bitch. Wait a minute, Kim. What? I don't even know what you're saying. I'm looking. Are you fighting with me?

I know. I'm scared. Oh, Lord. Get me another guest and a Pampatini. Gosh, get off my Hank Cat podcast. Hanky podcast, I meant to say, not Hank Cat podcast. Because Andrew Lloyd Webber's remaking Hanky Cats. Yeah, I know. I got marbles in my mouth today, people.

I'm sorry. Sorry for messing up my Hanky joke. And just crying and crying. And I was dying laughing. And of course, Fadra, of all people, is the one to help her. And she helps how Fadra helps. By bringing up her own pain. She's like, well, my husband's in jail.

And I understand what it feels like to be lonely and alone while your husband's possibly getting gang banged by, you know, gang members. So I feel you. And I thought Kim was going to be like, this bitch is trying to make it about herself. But instead she's like, she talked about missing her husband too. That's putting your grown up on right there. That's called faking it.

She had her husband sent someplace on purpose you didn't not the same thing watch watch watch a couple seasons kim i thought it was actually nice that porsche i'm not porsche that phaedra helped out kim that she saw that kim was like going through it and phaedra's like, now Kim, Kim, why are you crying? Kim. I thought it was nice. You'll need to sue somebody. And I need you to have this

card made out of crushed diet Coke cans and fake diamonds in your purse. DDS, MD, lawyer, dead person taken care of. Thank you. Well, while they were downstairs having a moment, upstairs, the girls went up to, like, eat dinner or lunch.

They just ate food at this bar upstairs. And Portia brought her new man, Oliver, or whatever his name was. And they're all hanging around. Kenya is already starting a hate campaign against against 2d she remembers from last night and so she keeps on i don't remember what she said i just wrote down a note kenya is coming for kenya the bus boy came by and called you thirsty she's like what why would he do that well he's trying to give water to you it's like kenya stop making everything into a big drama yeah don't betch so tammy disappears they're like where's tammy

she always disappears so she comes back they're like where's tammy she always disappears so she comes back it looks like with a young male lover but it's actually her nephew glenn and her other nephew jaron and um these guys are these guys are they might they might cause trouble this is what this is the previews seem to indicate that so they come by these guys are like two little dog poops on a lawn those flies immediately just jumped on it like it was a golden corral i was like kenya and porsche both of you back down oh my god yeah kenya was after i think it was jaron jaron the tall guy who played he's like uh like a semi-professional like he played on i think the

wizards last year and then this year he's on The Training Camp or something like that. Those girls are so needy. I want to buy them a meal instead of giving them a dollar just so I make sure they don't drink it. Right. So they're there. And then finally, Phaedra and 2D come back. And here's another example of 2D getting cranky real quickly.

She's like, they didn't even save a chair for us. I mean, how did they not even save a chair for us? I can't believe it. It's like, well, because you were gone for an hour crying in your codependent relationship. So I think it's okay, Judy. Just pull up two more chairs and get over it. She's probably also hungry. They actually set up a couple of high chairs with iPhone stands on them over in the corner.

So you can just read shit to your kids all day. Get over there. Get out of here. She's going around from table to table with like a children's book. Anyone want to be read to? Anyone? Anybody need their belly rubbed while they try and go to sleep? I'm here. I'm here. But

Kim normally gets mad at yelling. Well, anything these women do. Yelling or anything sexual or boobs. She can't take any of it. And I love every part of it. I wonder if she would like breastfeed her kid and pull the blanket up over his head so he couldn't see what he was doing

so he didn't have to look up and see the disappointment in her face. Boob lover. So then afterwards they all start heading back to wherever they're staying and they all get on the boat and Bors is like, hey,

hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Let's play Never Have I Ever. And I'm like, this is a terrible idea. First of all, you're going to do it in front of Tootie. And she will be mortified and horrified. Second of all, you think that's a legitimate sentence. And you don't even know it's a game yet, Portia. Tootie's going to be like, never have I ever done four carpels in one day and then she like takes a swig of apple juice but everyone's like huh never have i ever signed my son he's uh never

have i ever signed up my son for tap class against his will, just because I wanted another carpool drink. Never have I ever told Sebastian he was only going to get two dinosaurs for his birthday and then got him a third one. Swig of cranberry juice. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History?

Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less, In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more.

She is a heroine to some, as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has

to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Grey's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the

Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. I think we lost Ronnie. Ronnie, did you take a shot of cranberry juice also? Darling, I took a hit of butterscotch trophy vape crap. I took a hit of not cigarette, darling. Oh, God. I mean, I just might as well kill myself with a cigarette. These things are ridiculous. It's like I'm smoking in the Starlight Express fog machine, darling.

Basically inhaling a bad production of a caboose singing memory into a you know charcoal burner car whatever well either way so porsche wants to play never have i ever and i forget which other woman said it but not a good idea not a good idea if you have a guy you know that you're that you basically want a bone like not a good idea to start talking about all the ways you've been freaky with other guys like just unless that's gonna turn them on but not a smart idea and it's not like you have to tell this guy you're a hoe i mean it's you you're bringing them all back to the house while you're giving them a lap dance you don't need to be so subtle like if you really want to surprise the guys start asking real questions like never have i ever math science you know history she wouldn't be able to drink to that though She wouldn't be able to drink to that, though.

She wouldn't be able to drink to that. I just wanted to show off my underarm, and now I never will. So then Kenya, like they're all sort of joking or whatever, and Kenya says to Jaron, she's like, she's like, hey, what's your name? What's your name again? And he's like, damn, I know you're not trying. I know you're not snapping in my face. And she's like, I was your name what's your name again and he's like damn i know you're not trying i know you're not snapping in my face and she's like i was just trying to get your attention

he's like oh hell no i know you ain't snapping at me i was like well you better get well you gotta find a better way i was like damn i know now here's the thing he he's not wrong he definitely is not wrong but he's also definitely not being uh very uh gentlemanly i guess you could say like a dog whisperer you know he's like the whisper but the dog whisperer doesn't just go to like killer pit bulls and try and fix them he starts with the poodle yeah i'm like you don't want to try and tame kenya okay we don't even know what she's doing she's never even had a real storyline on the show she only says drag queen lines the woman is horrifying just let her be let us snap yeah well exactly well i mean he's right like she does have to find a better way she is being rude but also you know she's kind of like you know you're

not the star here she is so you better you know you want if you're here you want to be on the tv show you better play by the rules although maybe he kind of is actually super cocky and arrogant this guy it was actually like very i actually thought it was it like it actually rubbed me a very wrong way because it was really gross he was really rude yeah well i also was like oh is that how you talk to women for crying crying out loud? Well, I mean, it's Kenya. He's probably not sure. But you shouldn't talk to drag queens like that either because, you know what? We all deserve respect for our choices. Yeah.

She may be rude, but that's not how you handle it. And I was like, wow. I'm kidding, especially when she can embarrass you at Drag Queen Bingo Night. You know you're going to have to be at Hamburger Mary's one of these days supporting some stupid charity. You don't need that bitch with a microphone giving you hell all night. Trust me. Exactly. It's not fun. And then suddenly the episode just ended like they they said that there was

gonna be there we're gonna see this fight and the police nope it just ended and we didn't even get a next time on the real housewife it just ended oh yes we did you downloaded from the wrong company or whatever because on mine they show next week because i was actually of course the guy's a total pig but i was like oh my god someone told kenya to shut up i love it and she actually did it but then next week he comes back to the house and he's like really abusive and they have to call the police and get him kicked out because it looks like he's coming after kenya she's like you need to leave now you know kenya yells everything to be fair she says that to Squirrel. She's like, I'm going to call the cops now. But no, maybe it recorded a later show of Real Housewives instead of the original airing. But it didn't give me anything.

It just ended and did the Made in Georgia thing. And then it was like, watch what happens or whatever. No, next week, the guy tries to beat Kenya up or something. And then Portia later is like, but he was only me because Kenya made him mean. mean why'd they make him leave like uh because he tried to punch a woman in the face well at least he didn't lock her out change the locks yeah like oh porsche please stop being so needy darling you're like a salvation you're like a slutty version of a salvation army santa claus out there with his bell it's like shut your bell up and people might come closer to you, darling. Well, I'm

excited to see this big fight. Because they really sort of teased it already last week, so it was really annoying that they did not show it again this week. I was waiting for it. I was like, where is it? Where you go? Do you know I was saying that to myself all week

long? Because you said that last week. You didn't come up, but you said it. You noticed it last week. And so all week long at the gym, to myself, I kept going, Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Well, me and Kimberly, when we were hanging out, we were talking about that. And so now that's how we do. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up.

Maybe that'll be my way into a portion of impersonation. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Maybe that'll be my way into a Portia impersonation. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. What are you saying? Yeah, there we go. That's my Portia? No. You talking about Bob? You sleep with Bob?

You sleep with Bob? I don't know how swell it's with Atlanta. Good episode. Goodbye. Next time I watch this show, it will be in Texas, hopefully with my mother drinking while playing a really long game of Canasta so I can record her calling everybody a stupid whore. I'm going to try and get her to watch every Bravo show

while she's playing Canasta behind me with my dad and just leave a hidden microphone there for her to just bitch at it. I think you should. I think you absolutely should. It might be a Christmas miracle. Miracle. All right. Time to move on.

Time to move on. So, Ronnie, this is a big week. A big week in pop culture. You know why? Mary's water's about to break, and they're going to have to find a room to stay on a damn donkey. I don't even know what that means. Is that a Down Abbey reference?

Oh, darling, surely they have Christian plays at synagogues. I mean, who spends Christmas without the Christmas miracle, darling? I thought it was a callback to Down Abbey again. Like, Mary's water's about to break. I was like, oh, dear. Someone gets to and is like, Hello, little baby Jesus. We brought three donkeys wearing mer.

All right, Kristen, Kristen, Katie, and Lala. Lala. Lala. No, the reason why it's a big week is pop culture, and actually, literally, my neighborhood, has been taken over by a blockbuster experience oh my god

and I think we all know what it is Howard the Duck Howard the Duck it is actually our favorite movie of all time Sir Wars Sir. Sir Wars. Sir Wars. Sir Wars.

Seriously, seriously, seriously, seriously, seriously, seriously. Ugh! Kristen, Kristen. Kristen. Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. Ugh! Kristen. Kristen. Kristen. Kristen. Kristen. Kristen.

Kristen. Chris. Chris. Chris. Kristen. Chris. Kristen. Chris.

Kristen. Chris. Chris. Kristen. Chris. Chris. Kristen. Chris.

Chris. Kristen. And then all the words scrolling up at the beginning. If you make that smaller, I can't read them. Seriously, why is it going so fast? Like, just text us this information. Darling, we're having a meeting. I brought Eric in to teach you how to read the beginning of the credits.

All right, here's what we do. No more vertical credits. We're just going to push the credits away from you. Away! I want credits big enough to be on Pandy's lap so she doesn't feel fat in the seat. Resize the credits. Resize.

A long time ago, in a restaurant far, far away, it was Vanderpump Rules. So we were thinking, what if the cast's Vanderpump Rules. So we were thinking, what if the cast of Vanderpump Rules was in their own blockbuster movie called Sir Wars? Sir Wars, The Horse Awakens. The Horse Awakens. It's so hard being a bed alone.

I've been really working on me. That's what happens when the horse awakens. The horse works on itself. May the horse be with you, Tom. It's me. The horse is with you. Oh, sir. It starts in a dusty place somewhere in the Middle East where Lisa's shopping for giant pots and trying to find a way to get them back to planet Allah.

Tatooine. Planet Tatooine. Planet Sirween. No, doesn't make sense. Look at the bar with all these rubber people. I'm opening one of these. I think that Sir is actually the Death Star. The Death Sir.

It's a big circle that you go to and you try to infiltrate. Death Star. It's a big circle that you go to and you try to infiltrate. Well, Sir comes on the Death Star, but I think it's a section of the Death Star that is that crazy bar they go into with all the animals. Yeah, it's the canteen. The canteen. With the elephants. How does that song go?

And then when they make a special about Sir, Bea Arthur is in it. Because that actually happened. Did you know that there's a Star Wars special with Bea Arthur? She's like, Hello, Yoda. Here's how I make lamb chops. Oh, Bea. So I think that Darth Vader is obviously Jax because they both have the same deviated septum.

Luke, I'm going to fuck someone. Wait, Luke? Wait, Jax is Luke? No, no, Jax is Darth Vader. Oh, no, Darth Vader is Ken. No, Ken is Yoda. Yes, darling. Ken is definitely Yoda.

Max, I'm your father, darling. So, well, I think that I have this idea. So here are the ones that I thought of. That I think that C-3PO, I think that I have this idea. So here are the ones that I thought of. That I think that C-3PO, I think it should be Sheena. Shea-3PO. And then Shea could be R2-D2. So Shea-2-D2. Shea-3PO and Shea-2-D2.

And she could just be bossing R2-D2 around everywhere. She's like, I didn't notice how round Shea was until I tried to put him in the back of my spaceship. Shea's like, Shea, why don't you talk properly to me? Go into the canteen and have some drinks with some rubber people. Wait for me now. I can't believe someone took off my legs on the day of my birthday. I can't believe it. I'm like, I'm being held on Chewbacca.

She's like, hello, sir. I would like my teeth whitened. I don't know why. Just do it, okay? I'm like, I'm being held on, Chewbacca. He's like, hello, sir. I would like my teeth whitened. I don't know why, just do it, okay? I'm sad. So is Lala, is it Princess Lala? Be nice to Princess Lala. Well, Princess Leia, okay. So Leia and Luke were, like, going to do it.

But Luke is this bisexual pussy who can't, like, figure himself out because he's feeling things. And he's always wearing his pajamas, running around from planet to planet, planet sobbing, while Carrie Fisher has to, like, get taken by Jabba the Hutt. I mean, I don't want to say Pandy, but someone has to. And then, I mean, I'm just trying to think who's big enough of a pussy to be James. And then they turn out to be brother and sister when they almost banged. Well, here's the thing. I feel like Luke Skywalker is definitely Tom because they sort of have that same voice.

Like, I can imagine Luke Skywalker being like, Kristen. Oh, Tom number one? Sandoval. Tom Sandoval. Tom Sandoval. Yeah, I'm making a full meal. It's got organic broccoli, organic salt, organic lemon, Kristen. Kristen, I didn't sleep with her.

I just cut her open so she could shield me from the cold winter. Kristen. I feel like Kristen is definitely Chewbacca, though, right? She's definitely Chewbacca. Seriously. Seriously. seriously seriously and Harrison Ford

is a mixture of Eric and Peter like the only people who actually work he's like all pissed off at the pussy he has to train in his pajamas yeah exactly and I mean obviously Stassi is Emperor Palpatine right the evil one you don't always see

you don't always see the Emperor but if you were to encounter him he would shoot you with lightning from his fingers. Much like Kenya in a Starlight Express fight. If we were to cross metaphors. I'm looking at all these Star Wars pictures of characters. I can't believe I've seen all these movies. You would never know it. Who the fuck is Bib Fortuna?

And who is Admiral Ackbar? never know it who the fuck is bib fortuna and who is admiral akbar well admiral akbar should probably be um tom schwartz because his big his big quote is it's a trap so that's probably what tom schwartz thinks every time he hangs out with katie he's like wait it's a trap she wants me to get married i'm not even gonna talk about this until i'm done letting my perm set. I think that, well, Lisa is obviously Obi. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Wouldn't Lisa be Yoda? See, I think Ken shouldn't be Yoda.

Because Yoda has so much wisdom and knowledge that he's always sharing with people. Like Lisa, Ken doesn't share shit except silent farts and the occasional flesh rumba job on the carpet. So Lisa is Yoda. But Obi is more... May the force be with you, darling. But Obi-Wan Kenobi is more influential in Luke's life.

I don't even have to pick up that glass of water. Look, I'll do it with my mind. All right, that busboy's getting it and bringing it over here. She's using the horse. Busboy mind control, darling. One minute it's a pizza station. The next minute it's a DJ stand. May the force be with you.

So if Ken is Darth Vader. Ken should be the, no, he can't be Darth Vader. I think it's definitely Jax. I think it's definitely Jax as Darth Vader. Well, Ken, I think, should be this guy, the Emperor, who's always got an old crinkly face, and then he wears a hood all the time over his face. So then who's Stassi?

Is she Darth Maul? It involves Anakin Skywalker. Wait, I'm sorry. Now I'm reading about Star Wars. Who'd you ask about? Well, because I thought Stassi was the Emperor. Oh, you did? I'm so sorry. No ask about? Well, if, because I thought Stassi was the emperor, so. Oh,

you did? I'm so sorry. No, but if so, if Ken is, because the thing is that the emperor is the most evil of them all, so it has to be Stassi. Oh,

man, but Stassi's too stupid. Like, she'll never win. She'll never father a child and give it up. You know that the second she makes a baby, she's going to make that thing feel like shit its entire life. She's never going to just give that baby up to like, go make out with some girl who's not even a waitress sir like

well see ken i feel like ken would not be necessarily someone evil he but he is pretty minor he would be like ken would be r2d2 he would just be the one following you around never saying anything that you can understand actually really lisa and ken are c3po and r2d2. He would just be the one following you around, never saying anything that you can understand. Actually, really, Lisa and Ken are C-3PO and R2D2, if you really think about it. That's true. Here we are on an odd planet, aren't we, R2? We love you, darling. Yeah, that's

actually more appropriate. I don't know what Sheena is. Alright, so now who's Yoda? Who did we make Yoda? Well, Yoda is now open. Yoda is just like, you know, maybe Yoda is like, we don't even have James yet. Yoda is Chef Penny in the back. Yes. That's why whenever anybody has any trouble, they go to the back and she's like,

Sit down and let me mix some mayonnaise with some tuna fish and tell you an old story. I go, oh, Chef Penny. She's like, I'll be right back. After grocery games. After Guy's Grocery Store Wars. Ta-ta tuna, eat we. Star Wars. Chef Penny is, like, hovering above everybody,

watching, like, the aisles in Guy's Grocery Games. Aisle two. Canned beans. of pennies like hovering above everybody watching like the aisles and guys grocery games i feel like james is probably that guy like that normal guy from star wars the original star wars which is like star wars number four even though it was the first the original one who darth vader chokes without even touching when darth vader is like the guy's like oh no that's that's jack's doing that to james hey kristin hey chewbacca why are you hanging out with darth vader all the time you guys friends now huh you get boning that afterwards huh let's take a good look at this chewbacca i think james is jar jar binks like he comes and he's all googly eyed and his eyes are always gloomy and around. No one really likes him. He just wants to be loved and entertaining.

But everybody's like, oh, I hate James. But at the end of the day, they've all got his lunchbox. That's exactly right. He is Jar Jar Binks. The late addition to the franchise that the fans reject wholly. Yeah, he's the youngest. He's the weirdest. And people hate him just because he's new oh poor georgia what's katie katie's just katie's just like a stormtrooper

she's like bad but she's kind of princess leia who do we have as princess leia oh no okay just because their names sound the same okay i'm trying to think of like katie is a stormtrooper she's you know she's usually on the bad side but she's not distinct enough to have her own huge identity katie's like natalie portman like she's waiting and waiting and she's trying to be nice but i don't think it ever works she's waiting for uh anakin to uh propose but instead instead Anakin just goes bad. Anakin finds perms and then turns into Jax. Yes.

Oh my God. That makes sense. It makes sense. Oh, poor Natalie Portman. And you know that, you know that Anakin is bad because Anakin, Anakin has poured a glass of water

on Princess Amdala, whatever her name is, about five times now at every birthday party. CP3PO comes in and says, Stop being mean to Lala, darling. All right. Stop what you're doing.

Stop being mean to the swans. I don't care what movie this is. You are still the black swan who stabbed the white swan at the end of the day, Natalie Portman. I'm not buying it. And then R2-D2 comes up like, Natalie Portman. I'm not buying it. And then R2-D2 comes up like...

Natalie Portman's like, wow, this is the first time anybody's actually vacuumed this big glass palace in the sky. Amazing. And I don't think we have anyone for Han Solo. I think we talked... You said someone for Han Solo. I think he's... Just give it to Anthony. Right? Well, but Peter's not witty enough because Han Solo's so you said someone for han solo i think he's just give it to anthony right what well but peter's

not witty enough because han solo is charming and brash and like peter's the only one close to that or anthony the hot bartender um which one was anthony oh the eddie cibrian number two no it's the well you say eddie cibrian but i always say it's tall, muscular Latino Haley Joel Osment. Oh, God, no Haley Joel. Oh, my God, no. I'm going to go back to Star Wars and shoot myself in the face. No more. No more Haley Joel Osment, all right?

Bruce Willis was dead the whole time. Spoiler alert. All right. Well, I feel like that's a pretty accurate description. It's huge this day. You know, Star Wars is such a big deal. Even I, who don't give, you know I don't give a fuck. I've got two Star Wars Slurpee cups. And then the other day, I saw this big rubber thing in Target that was like Sheena's face, but it lights up.

And I'm like, that's the biggest nightlight I've ever seen. And I wanted it i just want to be woken up in the middle of the night by some aging waitress with purpose gaps in her teeth and like eyes that point in different directions i'm down target uh by the way have we failed this entire extended metaphor by not assigning anyone to job of the hut or to billy d williams okay so job of the hut what does job of the hut really? He almost kills Leia, but doesn't. He almost kills Leia, but doesn't. Then he just binges the rest of the time. Well, he turns Han Solo into, like, Rock, right?

And then, or, like, whatever they call it. By the way, so many Star Wars, thank God, no Star Wars nerds listen to this, because they would be furious with it. We are butchering their Bible right now. Oh, whatever. I've spent 12 hours or whatever so far and millions of dollars watching these films. I can do whatever I want with them.

So Jabba, he enslaves Princess Leia, right? And then he like turns Han Solo into like a slab of stone. So who would do that? Who does that to Lala? That's just Lala's italian guy yeah that's just some sound lala met on a boat one yeah that's just the guy in italy his job i let him poop on me sometimes but it's called a part-time job so yeah and then billy d williams that's just billy d williams is pandy's husband the gay husband yeah that's we don't have so handsome

and strong but i don't really know what he's doing here and i'm not sure of his purpose yet and pandy does something pandy's probably the elephant one serving things maintaining the bar who came in after yoda died because yoda bites it, right? Yoda? What smart person took over for Yoda? Does Yoda die? Because I feel like Yoda would die and then Pandy would be like, alright, I'll be here for Yoda because he's not here now. So what's your plan with these Star Wars?

Do you plan on doing anything other than flying around shooting things? Because I need more of a plan if I'm the new yoda i feel like actually pandy is yoda now that now that we talk about it it's not chef penny it's probably pandy so you know she's like the most bored yoda is kind of bored though i guess that's what makes him fun they go up and she's like she's like glasses what a clean they are Mom? I don't know I am floating in sky

purse on, am I? What? Addiction divine it is Your late is blog, what? I can't even do it, I can't even speak in backwards sentences. One of my favorite facts about Star Wars is that the voice of Yoda is the director of Little Shop of Horrors.

Oh, really? Good on you, Frank Oz. Good on you. One of my favorite facts is that Princess Leia was really wasted that whole time while her mom was sitting on top of pianos at dinner parties singing show tunes. That's you again, Shirley MacLaine. Oh, no. Her mom's Debbie Reynolds. Shirley MacLaine is mclean is um harris no way no sure no old guy uh not old guy lady's sister right there is so oh here is the connection uh carrie fisher daughter of of debbie reynolds

right and there i think carrie Fisher wrote a book about it. The book was Postcards from the Edge that Shirley MacLaine starred in with Meryl Streep. Ah, there you go. Thank you so much. That was so good, Ben. You should be a therapist. And by the way, second Postcards from the edge reference this podcast. We're really killing it.

Really, really killing it. Surely McClane is not ever going to leave this episode. So should we head into our pump recap, darling? Let's do it. I feel like we just did it all. I mean, we just gave the whole plot away. Pandora's Yoda. And she's not going to be with anybody until they make better plans. Wait, who is Obi? it i feel like we just did it all i mean we just gave the whole plot away and for his yoda and she's not gonna be with anybody until they make better plans and wait who is obi did we because

did we did we forget who obi was because obi was lisa vanderpump and now obi is up for grabs well has obi ever taken anybody's couch you know obi is over leftover furniture i feel like stassi is just too stupid and evil to be anyone from Star Wars. Stassi's like all those robot people. She's in Starship Troopers. They seem like they're really mean and you can't beat them,

but then you just flick them in the head or something and they all fold down. See, here's the thing with Stassi. Why she would be a good Obi? Because you kill her and then she still lingers around. She still can appear. And she gets stronger. You kill her, then she still lingers around. She still can appear to appear and she gets stronger.

You kill her, she gets stronger. So, wait, who is Kristen again? I forgot. Chewbacca. Chewbacca. Seriously? Seriously? And they all have to fit in that tiny little antique pink car.

I've seen that car at Best Buy always parked in front of the best buy. I've seen that car at Best Buy like three times, I swear to God. That's their Millennium Falcon. Okay, so anyway, so this week's episode. The Millennial Falcon. The Millennial Falcon. This Millennial Falcon's too small. It's what the Millennials drive.

Look, it has Instagram in it. Take your selfies over here. Obi-Wan Kenobi's, like, blaming everybody for getting you addicted to meth and giving it herpes. Yeah. Kristen falls out of the millennial falcon, breaks her face. Seriously? R2-D2 tries to look down, but his neck don't turn like that. Girl. He has that little special seat, you know, where you see his head going left and right.

And C-3PO's like, Otto, Otto. You know, you know, they're terrible captains of this spaceship. You know, all they do is just crash it and they fall out of it and break their faces. But, you know, where else can you find a good pilot?

Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot. Yes, Ken. You'll be able to touch my vagina again in another hundred eons. Darling. You know, Jax, you know, he's trying to destroy the universe, and he has an entire Death Star, and it's really terrible,

but you know what? He's a great bartender, so we gotta keep him alive. Jax is starting a whole new planet with shit he stole from the Millennial Falcon. He's like, I've got a new planet based around old-fashioned horn honkers. He's just hitting on all the stormtroopers. Stormtrooper's like, I thought that you liked the other stormtrooper.

Well, you know, we're sort of not really talking right now. Okay. Jax finally beats all the stormtroopers by crushing them all and snorting them. Yeah. They're like, finally. I thought you were with that Ewok. Well, you know, I don't know. I don't know where we stand right now.

But if you want to go out, let's get some drinks. Oh, Star Wars. Bye. I'll enjoy not watching you. I like how he pretty much assigned everyone to every role. Anyway, Sheena is obviously... I don't know where Sheena is, but let's get to the

recap. Wait, who was Sheena? Oh yeah, Sheena was somebody. She was the person that was turned to stone in a bar or something. Oh, she's Billy Dee Williams? Now that's hilarious. She was originally She-3-Pow. She-3-Pow. She-3-Pow. She-3-Pow. I-3-Piao. She. She.

I'm going to change my name to She. K. Yeah, if only we knew more of the characters. No, Sheena is... We'll make her land on Calrissian and just be done with it. Assume the bulls. So anyway, this episode opens with Ken and Lisa meeting someone named Ariel, who is a teen counselor. And at first I was like, oh, thank God there's someone here who can help the staff.

Someone at the staff. Someone who can understand the staff. But it turns out she's not there to counsel the staff. She is going to bring homeless kids to Sir. A bunch of homeless kids who have never been to a restaurant. And I'm so sorry for the kids. kids to sir a bunch of kids a bunch of homeless kids who have never been to a restaurant and i'm so sorry for the kids i just wrote is there no chilies in ventura like what the hell why would you come to this restaurant like here's your first restaurant ever here's some dry

lifeless possibly from costco food enjoy your empanadas why teen counselor why take them to sir of course we just were there and eating all the food anyway so how much children know what empanadas are darling they're gonna be confused i can have them labeled they used to be goat cheese bowls but you know i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable it's just empanada. So that's happened. I drop them in homeless canisters all the time. Ding, ding, ding, here's an empanada, I say. What is it? And his purse is so big.

Warming the empanadas. Henry, do we have any warm empanadas? So then the Toms meet because their presentation to LVP Sangria is coming up. And Tom Tannevall is like, yeah, you know, I don't want to burden the presentation with too many specifics. Like, we just go in there, you know. Last time we talked to Lisa and she got mad at us for, like, not having specifics. Like, that was awesome. So, like, let's not say anything specific because, like, that's what you do in business.

Just say, like, ka-ching and, like, sales aligns. Yeah, PowerPoint. Just say bottom line, bottom line. Say it over and over. And then the other Tom's like, my perm hurts. And then Katie's like, your perm is stupid and that's just, like, our relationship. It went flat immediately. It's like, oh, my God, says the woman with a ghost ring on her finger that hurts so bad because she doesn't have a wedding ring yet.

So then Tom Sandoval doesn't want Tom Schwartz to talk too much. And Tom Schwartz is like, what? I'm an eloquent guy. I'm like, dude, you just said I'm a eloquent guy. No. Can't talk. Don't talk, Tom. And he actually said something along the lines of we don't have to

come up with things like we just use us like we're handsome guys oh god guess who doesn't sell gray goose handsome guys have you ever seen a pinup of like someone selling absolute door-to-door no they're not cute they can haul some boxes in all right that's what you need yeah well then we go to sir and Lala starts lighting candles right where we sat, Ronnie. I was like, that's where we were. She's lighting candles in our couch. With the little chairs. To illuminate my squatty-potty position

on the floor, I swear to God, why do I even go to that place? They make you sit not even on the ground, but like on a stepstool thing, so your knees are up to your double chin. They really are, yeah. I feel like in the perfect position to either have a baby or shit all over that place and one day i'm gonna do one of the two it was it was literally like hobbit chairs they were so small and you are in perfect shitting position and you your your knees can't fit under the table it was really uncomfortable like i was

actually my knees hurt terrible it's like darling you're going to build a restaurant and the pots are going to take up the entire space and there's no room for chairs, just have it be a Moroccan restaurant. We'll sit on the floor and eat with our hands. Yeah. So anyway, so Lala, her new thing is she's like, I'm not talking to James. Like, ew, he is gross. Could have told you that beforehand, Lala. Lala. Lala.

Duh. So you go to Jax, who's still got a gash the size of oklahoma on his forehead a different face this week and he's red and sweating and heaving for no reason he's like and his head's shaking i'm like what is he doing behind the bar as lala passes jesus christ and so um i guess so she she if i remember correctly because my my note is unfortunately too vague this one lawler goes up and it's like you want to get a drink and he's like she's like you're broken up with you're broken up with your kentucky girl right and he's like yeah like she won't care if i get drinks yeah he's like well like we didn't break up but

like we're not together so like if we're together it's like look the thing is she's not here right now so like if she's not here and like what am i like just put him out of his misery that that horse should have been turned into glue two seasons ago clear him he's like a roy dick fucking puffy face sam alone clear him but this scene was hilarious because lala is just kind of walking around all gorgeously while he's heaving. And then she's like, hello, friend. And he tells us, yeah, we didn't get to fuck.

I tried, but we couldn't. Oh, so she wouldn't fuck you is what you're saying? Yeah, exactly. She was just waiting for your Amex bill to come out. she's a season one without a title yet so yeah it's only your capital one card have fun with that not getting laid stupid jacks i don't know why i'm so mad at jacks right now because he's evil jacks vader

so um so then jack people who hurt are hurting darling i. I mean, look at Darth Vader. I know. Too much cocaine, Darth Vader. Too much cocaine. When you're so upset that you literally put a mask on that's your goal face, that's very, very sad. He's like, I can't ever achieve this face, so I will just wear a mask. Well, that's what Jax's face will look soon enough. It'll just be inset eyes and a whole bunch of slats where the mouth should be. And a mom haircut. Because that's basically what Darth Vader's helmet is.

It's a mom haircut. Yeah, it's a mom haircut with credit card slots for the mouth. Sounds perfect. So anyway, speaking of moms, that's when Jacqueline shows up. That's James's mom. James's mom is there. So they go and they have a little lunch and this is where james he starts talking about kristin again he's like i don't think anyone has hurt me as much as

kristin fucking do he has okay calm down oh yeah that that kristin sure has been mean to you get basically got you a job as a reality star like what are you complaining about that bitch led you to water horse drink yeah i'm like like i don't understand how she hurt him basically he got with her after she and tom broke up because she slept with jacks and then he he voluntarily got with her and he knew about christian's past and then they're together and then a year later he suddenly starts to become suspicious of her and then she goes to michigan on a modeling gig for the grand opening of the 7-Eleven in Grand Rapids. And then he's like,

Isn't this Slurpee flavor? Ugh. I know that she was on one of those metal things rolling around like a hot dog. I know that for sure. So then he's mad at her and he's- Why is she making a Slurpee instead of a Slurpme? That's what I want to know, you basic bitch. Take a good look right now at the Slurpee right now you'll never get one this color again your straw your straw's too skinny to fit

in this slurpee hole i'll tell you that this hole deserves a spoon straw your basic bitch so then um spoon straws oh so i don't understand why James is so hurt by Kristen well he needs a reason to sob in front of his mother because you know he's on like five different drugs right now his eyes are darting around he's like mum I'm sad and she's like why darling do you know how difficult it was being married to your father

it's like the romantic story of having my mum met my mum was a famous model sitting in a cafe one day, and my dad came up to her and said, you're hot, I'm going to marry you. And then they did. He said, wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

Literally, I'm the manager of wham, and a band called wham, bam, and another band called thank you, ma'am. My mother and I are going to be buried in the same quarter pounder box underneath the McCafe shop that they met in. Like, this is the least romantic story I've ever heard. My father was driving and slowed for a stop and saw a wonderful woman standing on a corner.

He said, would you like a ride? She got in. They still haven't gotten to their destination. That's love. I'm like, no, your dad picked up a hoe on the side of the street. You know that. He's like, I can't believe my my parents divorcing after all these years i'm like well he's in the music industry and he got her pregnant when she was a teenager so yeah this doesn't i mean i'm

actually you should be so happy that they lasted 20 years that's amazing it was sad when he started crying i know it was sad your parents still go through that and so he's like started legit crying yeah but that could have been an adderall cry i'm not buying it james but he starts crying. I know, it was sad. It sucks being an adult and your parents still go through that. And so he started legit crying. Yeah, that was sad. But that could have been an Adderall cry. I'm not buying it, James. But he starts crying and his mom's like, honey, what do you want me to do?

I have to live my life. You know she wanted to leave that whole time. I like when people say that. Like, I put up with him for you. Stop your whining. Yeah. She's like, I'm 45. I have the rest of my life to lead.

45. So I didn't think, I'm 45. I have the rest of my life to lead. 45. So I didn't think that she was 45. Did you catch James saying, when I, well, growing up, of course my father was famous. He was a famous music producer. So Lisa and Ken knew who he was. I was like, oh, really? So are we morphing

from your family's best friend into they knew who he was because everyone else did? Come on now, you're slipping. Yeah. So then we go to a boxing gym where Kristen and Jax are boxing. And Kristen's like, you know, seriously, seriously, Jax is a really good friend. I think, you know, people will kill me over saying this, but like, seriously, he's loyal. Seriously. She's so dumb she goes you're probably gonna roll over in my grave when i die for saying this but jax is like so trustworthy it's like you're gonna roll over and imagine if she dies and rolls over for that she probably will all those years later she's like all the things of

all the things i forgot forgot Jax was trustworthy. Ugh. Why can't I roll in this grave? Ugh, this grave sucks. He's so loyal. Like, you know, like when we had sex, he, like, didn't tell anyone until the fourth time someone asked. He only ruined my life on camera. Like, that's where it counts.

Hugs. On-camera hugs. He, like, only threw me under the bus, like, 10 or 15 times. That's pretty loyal. So, one mystery that they still haven't explained on this show, and this show really is good with their season-long mysteries where they'll, like, foreshadow something in the beginning, and then, you know, it's like Kristen swallowed a load on an IKEA couch.

Like, good mysteries. This season, the big mystery to me why is kristin even here what is she doing it's all about some waiters she don't even work there she won't even shoot with james half the time like what are you even doing here get out but she's smarter than stassi because last year when stassi wasn't around she you know stassi like sort of refused to be part of the part of the mix and so she would it would just be these scenes of her putting together shadow boxes with pine cones in them you know as opposed to kristen who's like yeah okay i'll mix it up i'll get i'll get involved yeah so i'll hurt somebody i'm in sassy's that girl who breaks up with you just because she

wants you to beg her back and then you don't beg her back and she starts stalking you you're like you broke up with me and yes i've dated girls everyone get off my ass yeah she's stupid stupid stassi but she'll be back at some point meanwhile road what did i put that um oh this is james crying he's like that was a hard fucking road shut up james you're 23 you don't know a hard road darling so kristin says she wants a real man seriously seriously real man um but that was all basically from that scene they just were boxing and that's it jack's face looked like one of those boxing gloves why would you work so hard on your face get your fourth nose and then choose boxing as your exercise maybe try some push-ups no not even that don't even do something you can crash down onto the ground.

Just stand there, Jax. Just stand there. Get your face out of danger, darling. I don't like you, but I like face number three. And I know it's still under there somewhere, and I want it to stay healthy, la-la! So speaking of which, we then go back to you, sir. Staff mating. Staff mating. Everyone, be nice to homeless children.

Darlings, who feels bad for Stassi? Everyone's raising their hand. Well, other homeless children need us today, so let's... We're inviting 16 homeless swans. Wait, they're children? Oh, never mind. We're feeding homeless children today. Max, come in here, darling.

Bring your Tupperwares. So Lisa makes this announcement. And then Tom is, like, talking about his presentation. He's like, yeah, we're going to bring stuff to the presentation. And Lisa's like, you need more than stuff. Yeah. Darling, Pandy doesn't eat pre-wrapped cheese. She wants a list of ingredients in her meal, darling.

All right. And then I have this quote from Sheena. I forget the context of it, but she's like, Sheena, you're going to start therapy. I mean, that's awesome. That's so awesome. Poor Sheena. Sheena's that girl you like that you don't tell her her taillights out because part of you just wants her to get a DUI.

Because you know it's going to be hilarious. It's like, bye, have a safe trip. Are you sure you don't want me to drive you? Don't tell her there's a tail light out. Maybe call the police. Just so you can hear this from the east side. Ah! I'd like to see she knit in a drunk tank.

I literally, this room is so small, like, where are the portraits of men, Shay? This is like the size of the public library in Azusa. It's so small. But she's trying to be so positive through everything. She'll be like, I love it in here.

Concrete floors. Ah, so artistic. And who is the one saying that Sheena will be friends with anyone? Like, she forgives. She's the most forgiving person of all time. Because everyone shits on her. She hates people.

And then all of a sudden she loves them. Because now she is like, I think she can want another chance. Because Katie's like, I am going to be nice to her. I am going to be nice to her. No, Katie was like, no, if she's going to be that girl, I'm not going to be nice to her. I was like, you are a soccer mom before even getting a wedding ring. Please stop it. Like, save your bitchiness for the soccer fields for a bunch of five-year-olds.

Because right now you look crazy. Stop talking. She looks like a bitter, non-fucked. She just, it's sad. So just be quiet over there, Katie. Just get back to Sheena because she's the one I love. I like Lala now. I'm like, yeah, because that's the whole stand for her corner.

It's like Hope Ride. It's like why I like all the fat people. Love you, Shay. And she tells Katie, we went to Social Security and I got my name changed. I was like, Sheena, you know that was the DMV next to Target.

Right? Did someone tell you that was Social Security? Come on now. Because I feel really secure in my social standings that sir they made me take a number like baskin robbins so she's telling her that she loves stassi what else is she telling her in this no she's oh god she's gonna come back to me 20 minutes later no she was talking about the therapy that she and she're going it's awesome and then they got she got her name change and be nice to lala and and then meanwhile across the restaurant and james walks over to tom and jacks and they're talking and

then james has james has found out that jacks went to a boxing class to kristin he's like how did he find out jacks is like hey james i just saw kristen today he's like oh really what did you see kristen jane jax is like the kenya more of this show yeah but he doesn't realize it you know sometimes he does but sometimes he doesn't like he did like kenya at least usually knows when she's throwing the pot jack sometimes just like yeah so we went boxing jim's like don't you think it's kind of weird? You're hanging out with Kristen now? She's like, what's the deal? You're hanging out with Kristen? You're boning? Were you boning

in boxing class? Did you put a boxing glove on and have sex with a boxing glove and call it Kristen? Because that's what she's like. Did she hit a lifeless bag and then get yelled at? That's my entire relationship. I bet there was no mouth guard so that way she could blow you. Kristen. Jack's troublemaker. And it's always entire relationship. I bet there was no mouth guard so that way she could blow you. Kristen. Jack's troublemaker.

And it's always so stupid. And just like poking a little baby for no reason, you just know it's going to cry. And sure enough, James shits his pants and starts a wah, wah, wang. And then he's like, oh, then he goes. The next scene is him and Kristen, right? Yeah. He's like, see you guys later. Oh, this was so good.

Yeah. So then he goes to Kristenisten's house kristen's apartment kristen's wearing those like acid washed mom jeans short shorts where your butt hangs out those things kill me that's my new favorite fashion in the world right now i don't know if it's all over the world or just la but girls just walking around with their entire ass hanging out and it cracks me up every single time yeah i mixed it with mom jeans it's like yeah i had the baby pouch show off the ass a little bit i know so um james comes over to get get his stuff which is like a blazer and an empty bottle of fireball and it's literally like a sweater that's it it's like here's your stuff and so then he's like a laundry bag so then of course he comes in with his asshole like like this ridiculous you know bitter queen uh uh vernacular or whatever not vernacular but you know we were talking about when he said uh remember a few weeks ago

you're a basic bitch you're a basic bitch take a good look at this you're never gonna get this it's like we're saying how he's like picking up you know the insults from weho so he's's like, I really thought I was going to miss you, but I'm thinking more about Lala than you. I hope you had fun boxing with Jax. I hope you had fun getting a black eye on your cornhole like I did with Lala. She's like, what? You're talking about... You're a ratchet bitch, that's what I'm saying. You're just a ratchet bitch, Crescent.

She's like, you're a ratchet. Look at you. You're a ratchet bitch, that's what I'm saying. You're just a ratchet bitch, croissant. She's like, you're a ratchet. Look at you. You're like ratcheting. Like, I'm trying to get a screw on, but a screwdriver can't get it, so I'm using a ratchet. And I keep turning it, and it just keeps going, crank, crank. That's you, Kate. And he's like, whatever, honey. Whatever, honey, ratchet

bitch. You ratchet bitch. You lost all your fucking friends, honey. You lost all your fucking friends, honey. You lost all your fucking friends, honey. Remember when you used to bite me? Remember when you used to do that, honey? Hey, girl. Hey, girl, you don't bite anymore. Take a good look at my bite.

It's the last time you get to look at a bite like that, honey. Hey, girl. Hey, girl. I'll be like all this, all right? That was so stupid. And then Kristen's dumb, too, so she falls right into it and she's like oh yeah well what about that time like i turned off my phone because i don't like your voice that's why i turned off my phone he's like oh really bitch oh well that's wonderful kristan you rotted bitch i hope you

die in a vagina fire kristan like what are you even talking about these are the most childish insults my entire note for a workout by way, which we're not talking about today, I wrote down in this over and over. Stupid people fighting stupidly about stupid things. Like, they're so stupid, they don't even know what their fight is. They can't even make a sentence. No, it's like what I said last week, right? All they say is, work, body.

Oh, he got body. There is not enough rage available to talk about workout. We'll do that Thursday. Yeah. You have to watch it because I'm furious. I'm going to watch it. I'm going to get mad. I'm going to watch it.

I'm going to watch it. Don't worry. So anyway, so Kristen and James are fighting. And I did think it was funny that Kristen was like, this whole ratchet facade you have. And he's like, yeah, the fucking ratchet. She's like, I can't believe you called me a ratchet. I'm like, you sort of called him a ratchet first.

But anyway, so James is, he's really, he's really, you know, on a hot streak with the insults. He's like, you fucking nasty slut. You nasty, nasty slut. And then he like,

then of course he leaves and he spits on her door. He's like, bye slut. He's like, not this time. No, you're never going to get it. No, no girl. No, you're never going get it no no girl no you're never gonna get

it it's not that's a song stop talk singing at me you're a dj whatever slut buy slut don't get out of here slut and can go do some aerobics so my telephone bills pay my I call MCI to cut the phone bills so anyway so then James spits on Christian's door and her response I love her response is I just had my fucking apartment

cleaned as if like somehow this saliva which she's had in her mouth many times before has has like destroyed her entire apartment she's like oh and she's had in her mouth many times before, has destroyed her entire apartment. She's like, ugh. And she's cleaning it with a dish sponge. She's using her dish sponge to do it. So now whenever she cleans anything in the house, it's marinated in that same gross spit.

So it's like, stop. At least get a new sponge. Call Molly Mae back. I know. I'm just imagining her like cleaning her dishes and then she just sees a reflection of james's face in the dish going every fucking slutty slut hi guys um molly made this is kristin uh sorry to call you again but like i need you to come back because you didn't get all of the ratchet out of my kitchen. So then the next scene, it was like sort of like Shark Tank. But since it was Lisa and Pandy and Jason, it's like Guppy Tank.

They're like all sitting in the corner of like basically a walk-in closet at a table looking very official. And the Toms walk in to do their big pitch for Lisa Vanderpump Sangria. It's like, welcome darlings. Come on in. You know Panty and Jason. Hello. Hello. Hey guys. Okay, like, we're so excited.

We love meetings. And he's like, you know, I thought they were gonna suck. They can't suck as bad as I thought. And I'm like, yes they can. So their big plan, he's like, hey guys, I want they were going to suck. They can't suck as bad as I thought. I'm like, yes, they can. Yes, they can. So their big plan, he's like, hey, guys, I want to take the Shirley Temple black route and be an ambassador. Darling, no, she was a child star. She could tap dance.

What can you do? That's all I have. All right. Shirley Temple's everywhere. Shirley Temple's on the house. Homeless kids. Oh, I love homeless kids. All right. Give him a job. Oh, I love homeless kids. All right.

Give him a job. Here's our thought. Okay. Umbrellas. Little cocktail umbrellas in the sangria. Oh, wonderful idea. Wonderful. I want, like, weenies, but, like, instead of hot dogs, I want them to be teeny tiny weenies.

Darling, put them in an openable can. We'll revolutionize the industry. Cool penny. Well, what I loved is that Tom and Tom, they didn't really have a plan. darling put him in an openable can we'll revolutionize the industry cool penny well what i loved is that tom and tom they didn't really have a plan and tom schwartz started off with his brand ambassador thing and it threw tom sandoval off of whatever he was going to say of his non-game i love it he fucked me up so tom number one's like okay here's our plan we're like don't have a plan because like plants are done like i planned on a perm and now look who has straight bangs he's like i don't get it and panty's just looking like that saint bernard in that movie that's just beethoven yeah she looks like beethoven just

looking at him all serious but everyone's like she's so cute and he's like i could kill you if this weren't a kid's movie she's like slobbering a little bit she literally says she literally says to tom tenneval what's wrong with you she literally asks that what's wrong with you candy for president she's like last week we had a meeting i brought a hundred thousand dollar purse the size of a small child for that meeting and it was a waste of time is that what you're telling me he's like no no tom's just dumb like he doesn't get perms so. Is that what you're telling me? He's like, no, no, Tom's just dumb. Like, he doesn't get perms.

So, like, here's what we're trying to say. We, like, we want to go to places, like, where your drink is. And then we want to, like, you know. No, I don't. I don't know, like, I don't know, give it to people. So, basically, you want to have a career and a life and be an adult and go from being a bartender to the person standing in front of the bar in a speedo while passing out Pumptinis.

He's like, yeah, sounds good. He's like, here's the deal. We'll work pro bono. Like, you know what pro bono means, right? Yeah, Pandy did. She's like, wait, you want to work for free? Then they all start laughing at them openly. That's the plan, darling. Working for free, then they all start laughing at them openly. They're like, they're working?

That's the plan, darling. Working for free. It's so good. And then at that point, they start just saying things they've seen from, like, business movies, you know? Because then Tom Schwartz goes, I want you to know I'm in. It's like, what?

I don't think, no, no, you're not the one who gets to say you're in. They have to say, they have to let you in. You don't just get to declare it. And what are you in for? No one even knows. But I like that Pandy, even though she thinks they're total idiots, knows how to end a meeting with like an object, you know, like a goal.

She goes, all right, so basically what you're telling us is you want to come work for us for free and do whatever we tell you and pass out drinks. Like, yeah. She's like, hi, you're in. And I love how stupid they are. So good. I know. It was great.

By the way, we saw Pandy and her husband at Pump that same night. Night of a Thousand Stars. And Pandy looked adorable. And her husband was super hot. Her husband's really growing into his age like he wasn't cute he wasn't as cute younger but like now it's making more sense as he ages like the hairline that his face is getting a bit more angular i don't know if it's you know like frozen tacos from whole foods or if they're like fillers i don't know what it is but

he's looking more rugged and handsome. I'm liking it. I thought he always looked hot. For a girl who's never played a sport in her life, you should know how to score, Pandy. Go, girl. Go, girl. You scored. Speaking of scoring, we then go to Jax's apartment where Jax is talking to Brittany about Lala.

Because Brittany, she just arrived in town and he's like so uh just so you know like so I was talking to Lala and she was like you want to get a drink and uh I was like sure I mean because nothing's gonna happen because it sounded all innocent you know and she's like you have a girlfriend I was like yeah no I have a girlfriend so it was like all innocent and then she was like okay let's get a drink so that happened and britney's like okay she's like wait a second what were you guys talking about oh really oh that's correct that girl's so bold oh great i was like wow britney britney's gonna get along with every hoe this guy sleeps with she'll be like can i make you a frito pie

y'all do that here well he's smart because he basically he tells her about lala which will probably get her all angry and jealous and before she start to get mad he's like so you want to move in she's like oh yeah he's so stupid he's like look i really don't like want this to move too fast so will you move in like he didn't even know what he was saying or that he was gonna say that that. He just, it blurted out. He looked like it was a huge mistake the second he said it. He speaks in mad lips, basically. Dude, Lala just said she wouldn't suck your dick five minutes ago, so already you're getting someone to move in?

Are you trying with your fucking Darth Vader credit card slot face trying to make some 20-year-old jealous of some hostess? Come on, Jax. Like, no,'s like no no no no just pay the rent just be quiet and pay the rent okay britney needs a place to stay yeah so then we go on to uh one of the dumbest arguments of the season so far which is we're we're at sir the homeless swans are about to come in and tom has made two pictures of like some green cocktail and ariana's like it would have been cool if you had included me like what he just saved you from doing extra work she's like i wanted to make pink drinks because i think the girls would like that we're supposed to be partners he's supposed to include me when he makes pictures of things it's not about drinks it's about our relationship like we need to talk about this stuff we're

partners so like just making your own drink just shows you how much he doesn't want to get make me It's not about drinks. It's about our relationship. Like, we need to talk about this stuff. We're partners. So, like, just making your own drink just shows you how much he doesn't want to make me drink. Like, no, this is dumb. Yeah, this is really, this is not the battle to pick, okay? If he bought a couch for the apartment, if he bought an apartment, if he bought a car, if he did anything, sure. He made two pictures of non-alcoholic drinks. Just calm down and be happy you didn't have to do it and then lisa comes over how are you darlings you ready for the

homeless children he's like yeah lisa i made margaritas she's like gross darling homeless people don't like dreary mexican drinks i want something pink and girly you know like every homeless child wants i'm like what are you talking about I don't think I've ever seen, like, a pink homeless tent. I know. She just likes pink for everything and just assumes everyone else likes pink. You don't have a home? That's no reason to not wear pink. What are you talking about?

Make something pink. And then Ariana acts like she scored some kind of point because Lisa likes pink. Like, we all knew Lisa liked pink. That means that you'd be a good husband to Lisa because you know how to please her ass. And Tom's probably not going to be a good husband for you because he doesn't. Can you read the signs? They're only colors, doll. Well, here's the funny thing about Ariana is that she says, you know, like, you know, if I were a girl, like 18, going to a restaurant for

the first time, I'd want like a, like a fun girly drink, like something pink or whatever. And then like 10 minutes later on the show, when she doesn't get invited to this Vegas birthday party, she's like, I hate heteronormative things that like that say that these are for girls and these are for boys. I hate that. Like, well, then shut up about the pink drinks. Yeah. So it's a girl who just got mad that her boyfriend didn't understand her pink drink.

Yeah. What are you talking about? Yeah, Ariana. Don't make us dislike you. We like you the most. You're the most normal. I don't like her, but she's getting mad at the lifestyle, but that's how she met him and got her job. So it's like you can't start dating Mickey Mouse and then getting pissed off and trying to tear down the castle in the center of the park.

It's where Mickey Mouse lives, darling. You came to his park, play by his rules, get some black gloves on, and pat awful snotty little children on the head, darling. That's it. Well, so speaking of the Vegas thing. Well, the homeless kids come through, and they're, like, eating calamari for the first time. And, you know, it was nice. It was nice with these homeless children. Okay. Best clothed children ever. I know. It was nice. What is with these homeless children? Okay, best clothed children ever.

There was a couple suits. A lot of them had really nice glasses. Very good dental work. They looked better than I did. I'm like, what the fuck kind of homeless plans do we have? Because every one of these little fuckers looks better than me at any age that I've ever been. Not only because they're younger.

That dental work is amazing, and I rewound. I was because they're younger. I mean, that dental work is amazing. And I rewound. I was like, those teeth are perfectly straight, perfectly white. That child has some money. Where is it? Shake them down, darling. We brought in all these homeless children. Now go through their pockets.

Yeah. Well, it was a nice scene. But I still thought it was, like, funny. This, like, you know, oh you know oh sir it's gonna be charitable charitable sir i don't know for some reason the idea of of doing something nice for the community and sir with all these people just it seemed like a very strange juxtaposition for me but it was a lovely scene it's like look around darling enjoy the scenery because once you leave here the doorman has been instructed not to let you back in all right enjoy enjoy your calamara yeah so um so anyway so it was a nice scene and then um peter

comes up to tom and was like harry so you know how i didn't have a birthday party so i'm gonna have a birthday party and it's gonna be in vegas guys tripping around i was like and tom's like i can't hear you man did you cut your hair like you don't even have a voice anymore who are you yeah did you lose all your power samson so ariana's like oh it's just another thing that i'm not invited to like great i'm about to have my 30th birthday party and the next day you go off and go to party i'm not invited to i might just just simmer down why do you think it'd be fun why do you think it'd be fun to go to vegas with these guys anyway?

Look, we know how they met. They met on one of these boys' trips when he was cheating on his girlfriend. Of course she doesn't want him going on another one. Like, there's nothing like giving permission to your boyfriend to go fuck some hoe in Vegas when you met your boyfriend and some girl in a hot tub in Vegas. Come on. She knows. She's not stupid. So, meanwhile.

I mean, she is. But for this crowd, she's very intelligent. Yeah. I wouldn't want him going either. And also, they're too old to be doing this shit. Guy's trips to Vegas. Everyone knows they're getting laid in Vegas. Don't let your boyfriend go there.

Why would you do that? Don't. Don't. And also, I love that she's throwing a 30 year old birthday party for herself but she's throwing a big kids party she's like gonna get bouncy houses while she's talking about how she has to grow up and she's sick of her immature boyfriend i'm like have fun in your bouncy house yeah have fun with that twee party of yours so um anyway so so then meanwhile over in the kitchen so jack's jack's got a phone call phone call from Kristen that, uh, James spat on her door.

So he's like, this isn't right. Meanwhile, Jax, the perpetrator of every crime against women in the history of man, suddenly he is righteous. And he's like, it's not cool, man. So he approaches, he approaches James in the kitchen and, and it's like, why'd you spit on Kristen's door? Or, you know, he goes, why did you spit on Kristen's door? Or, you know, he goes, why did you spit on Kristen? And then

James is like, I did not spit at Kristen. She got me going, babe. She got me going, babe, like you're doing right now, babe. No other spit at a girl, girl. Hey, slut, I don't spit on girls, girls. And Jack says, so you're sorry. All right, then, you want me to say I'm sorry?

I'm sorry, girl. All right. Two circles and a snap. Hated it. Sorry. Don't you get sick of saying sorry? And he's like, says someone 15 years older than me that's still saying sorry. You know, your second face still hasn't forgiven your first, all right?

Besides, it wasn't a loogie spit. It was just like a fucking little dribble spit on the door. It was a bit of orbit dribble. Alright. It was just like, just trying to solve the drought. Just trying to water the plants a little bit. Just a little spray.

So it turns into this screaming thing and Lisa's like, oh, not in front of the homeless children, not in front of the homeless children. Not in front of the homeless. No, be nice to the homeless people. Darling, these

children can't just run to the room and close the door. They have to listen to you eating calamari from Costco. Have some respect. So then I love, starts yelling at them and it was so funny some respect. So then I love... Starts yelling at them, and it was so funny. Well, yeah, I love that she goes, you raise your voice in me restaurant again,

it'll be the last thing you do. And James goes, why is he talking to me about Kristen? I was like, James, you don't have to be so... It's like, it's okay. You don't have to whisper. He took it very literally. You don't like that again in my restaurant, and I will turn that pizza oven into a pizza

oven. The only thing we'll be spinning here are pizza pies. All right there, little record player man. All right then, Lisa. I'm not raising my voice. I'm whispering, Lisa. I'm whispering right now to you, Lisa.

Well, I can still hear you, darling, all right? Don't raise your whisper. And then Jax is like running around like Gloria Steinem sticking up for women everywhere. Like, it's so bad that he spit on a woman. I'm like, you just basically took in a child to be your fuck puppet while you wait for the Saudi slut to give in to your herpes. This show is so gross. All you people are disgusting. You know, I'm like, I hope the homeless people steal everything out of this fucking place,

sell it, and buy their own restaurant across the street. Well, at least James finally said what we've been saying all along. He's like, get your steroid face out of my face. That time. That time someone put it up. Get your steroid face out of my meth face alright my meth can eat your steroids and still turn them thin alright good fight guys

good fight fighting stupidly about stupid things and that's pretty much where it ended so I'm sure next week we'll have more sluttiness just in time for Christmas hugs so that's the end of our podcast that was a nice big juicy one We'll have more sluttiness just in time for Christmas. Oh, hugs. Hugs.

So that's the end of our podcast. That was a nice, big, juicy one, wasn't it? Fun times here. Fun times here, by all. So thanks, everyone, for listening. Remember to check out our bonus episode on Patreon, where we talk about even more Bravo stuff. Patreon.com forward slash WatchWhatCrapIs,

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