Watch What Crappens - #2579 RHOSLC S05E03 Part One: The Jewels of Ali Bobblehead

Episode Date: October 3, 2024

This is part one!The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are off to Milwaukee! The glamour! Whitney is accused of being an Ali Baba faker, Bronwyn starts her first nonsensical fight, and Mary Marys. To watch this recap on video and listen to all of our bonus episodes, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

1Dri Plus subscribers can listen to watcha crappin' ad free right now. Join 1Dri Plus in the 1Dri app or on Apple Podcasts. And Away We Go with Georgia King is a brand new travel podcast only on 1Dri Plus. Each week, celebrity tour guides will whisk you away to their favorite places in the world with intimate, hilarious, heartwarming conversations that remind us of the power of travel to bring us together. Listen to And Away We Go with Georgia King exclusively with Wondery+. Well hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast for all that crap we just love to talk about on ye old braves.

I'm Ronnie everybody. Hi, so good to meet you. Are you new here? Welcome. I'm Rondle. And that over there is my little friend, Benune. Hello, Ben. How are you? Hi, Ronnie. I'm great,al and that over there is my little friend, Benune. Hello, Ben, how are you? Hi, Ronnie, I'm great, thanks.

How are you doing? I'm getting shit done, Ben. I realized I left my lip gloss, my lip balm in my backpack ever since I left town and I never took it out and guess what I've been having? Dry lips. Wow. I thought, you know what? It's October 3rd today and I'm going to remedy this situation.

My backpack was within a rolling distance and I leoreminied my way over there and I fixed it. And I think that means I'm ready to take on new things, Ben. How's everything going over there with you, babe? It's great. I am feeling like a lunatic this morning because I had a night where I woke up at like 3.30 in the morning and I couldn't fall back asleep. So I'm running on fumes, which means,

I don't know what I'm gonna say today. I'm like awake, but tired at the same time. I'm like in the strange, I'm energized, but also like, am I in a dream? I can't tell, but I feel like it's the appropriate vibe to talk about a Real Housewives of Salt Lake City episode that takes place in Milwaukee, right? Pete Yes. This whole thing felt like kind of a weird fugue state anyway. So, I think whoever

put this together was doing it at three in the morning. At three in the morning as well. Pete Yeah. Pete And I love this cast for it. Real Housewives of New York started back up this week. That recap is out. We are also chugging along with the secret lives of Mormon wives. Also, our videos are available every day on video, or our podcasts are available on video, as well as bonus episodes every week. Those are at patreon.com slash watch what crap is. All right, so let's get- Can I give a shout out by the way? Sure, do a chatter.

Um, I think I gave like a mini shout out last week, but I felt like I didn't give a proper shout out to the real moms of Bravo who had me on their podcast. I'm on the latest episode. So everyone go check out the real moms of Bravo because they are just gems. Even though I only spoke with one of the moms, I spoke with a mom of Bravo. And we had just the best time talking about Bravo and all those things. So check them out on Instagram and wherever. What was it?

One of you, one of them, and one of us? That's weird. Okay, I'm gonna go talk to the other one. You should. Fuck you guys. Use this. We're gonna go like, those two, huh? Those two suck.

She was great. And we had so much fun. So go check it out, everybody. Ben's on a journey. Let's do a real romance of Bravo Journey. No, that's good. Those ladies are great. I'm glad you went on there. Everybody check it out. Hello, ladies. So let's go to The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City episode 5 No season 5 episode 3 basketball bobbleheads and the brow girl Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun friend-dubs that were swirling around the cast and It was it was sort of chaotic at bond and we did get Angie K out of it And we also sunsetted Angie H in the process, but now we're back again with Friend-dubs swirling around I think this cast works sort of at its best when there's not a lot of friend-dubs around

Except for Mary Cosby's but Mary Cosby was like a legacy housewife. I feel like, like, Mailey, it's just so funny. Like, Mailey is such a plug and play friend-of. She's literally, like, off on the side doing nothing. And they're like, Mailey, come over here. We want to yell at you. Okay. All right. You can go now. And Brittany feels very contrived. I don't think we need them, right? Yes, I think we do need them. And here's where I'm going to disagree. Because, you know, my biggest complaint lately with Bravo is they're just not knowing, they're not paying enough attention and making changes when they should be made. I feel like New York should have been changed long before it was changed. I felt like, not canceled or whatever, but

changed, changed up. And Potomac needed to be changed long before it was changed. I felt like, not canceled or whatever, but changed, changed up. And Potomac needed to be changed long before it was changed. Atlanta, Beverly Hills kind of needs a change. A lot of them just need change and they're not bringing the change. Salt Lake City is ready at any moment to add 20 new people to the mixture. They're like, they don't keep anybody comfortable. And they also have a bunch of crazies. Like all the people who didn't work out, Angie Harrington tried way too hard and she had that sniveling husband with burner accounts who I think is still on there every couple of weeks posting,

don't we miss Angie everybody? And everyone's like, no, no we don't. Like, but anyway, even she brought, you know, she gave us jizz for jazz, you know? And the friend of us on this show always brings something, you know? I think that Mailey isn't really bringing much of anything, but like she's a paper towel rack. It's still good to have it. Like you don't need her there, but it's good to have her. It's easier to get the paper towels off. Yeah.

It's good to have Mailey in case there's a problem. I mean, they are bringing value. Brittany's fucking nuts. Like Brittany's an insecure, broken down mess. She's what happens when you don't get any kind of self-confidence before your 40s, 50s, whatever's going on. I don't know her age, and it's not an age-shaming thing. It's just as someone who's nearing 50, there's a certain point you have to grab some self-confidence

and stop relying on penises. I was going to say external forces. I was going to try and find like a pop psychology way to explain it. But basically what I'm saying is you need to find a way to validate yourself without dick. And she just has not learned how to do dickless validation yet. And it's interesting to see the crumbling that happens when you don't do it. So take it as a cautionary tale, everybody. But I'm liking her. Yeah, I mean, it's like they do provide value. I think one of the issues, though, that I do have

is that friend-ubs, a great friend-ub naturally augments the entire show. They're kind of like a great wine pairing, right? But sometimes the friend-dubs are so desperate to make the leap, do the NGK, that they really are kind of over the top. And I kind of feel like Brittany is very self-aware of the camera and she's like really like,

she's really, I just don't always believe her when she's like, guys, everything is great with the Osmond person that I'm dating. I'm like, I don't know if I believe this, I feel like you're kind of doing this for TV. And so that's why dating. I'm like, I don't know if I believe this. I feel like you're kind of doing this for TV. And so that's why I'm sort of like, I don't know. I'm like, my jury's out a little bit. That being said, please don't take this as a large criticism.

It's a minor quibble. I think the show is so good, so funny. And I'm honestly loving Bronwyn. I think that's actually more of the headline, which is that I think Bronwyn is really doing a great job as a new new housewife. I love how angry she is at Heather and at Lisa. I love how her face gets like really steely and she has she gets like a very, very intense frown when she's unhappy. Like she cannot hide that she's unhappy. Her lips are literally going down to her jaws for like the entire episode.

And I like that. are literally going down to her jaws for like the entire episode. And I like that. I like that she thinks she looks so good with all that money draped all over her and she just looks like a fucking clown. It cracks me up. And then she's like, I'm going to do trendy eyelid work where she does like she draws in an eyelid right here and then she draws a half semi-circle in the middle of her eyelid. So it looks like she smeared her mascara. It just looks like she was crying and she smeared it. It just looks so sad. I'm sure that you did see that in a Vogue magazine or somewhere, whatever the kids are looking at these days, but you look fucking crazy. I like that. I love a completely self-unaware

person. She's trying a little hard. She's jumping in there with the fighting and all that stuff over things I don't think are necessary, but it is Housewives. As far as Brittany, yeah, her husband, not her husband, her Osmond, I guess I should say, came out with a statement, like an Instagram statement. He was like, I wanted this relationship to work. She was the one being dramatic and she's added all this dramatic drama to make me look stupid. And I agreed to do this show because she needed it. I was there for her because the only reason she's on this show is because of me and my name. And I got her on this show. And now look, she's made me look stupid. So thanks a lot." I was like, oh, good. Sounds like you're not toxic at all, Plugs Osment. By

the way, I'm just guessing he has plugs. I've never seen that before. Plugs Osment. I just feel like he has really bad plugs that were probably done by a cousin. Because don't they have a lot of cousins? They're Osmonds. Bad plug cousin Osmond. There, I said it. I said it. Come for me on Instagram. I'm waiting. I think that if things don't work out with this Osmond, I think that Brittany should go after a jet. Like, you know, the jets, they're like a Mormon. They're great at ballet. They're great at ballet.

No, the jets are remember that band from the 80s? They're like this big Mormon family. They had a song like, I found out I got a crush on you. Oh, God, that song's so stupid. I found out I got a crush on you. Oh, God, that song's so stupid. I found out I got a crush on you. Would the mail come and it said, you have a crush on somebody? I've never understood those lyrics. Is it your boner hitting the, you know, the inside of your pants? Was it the tent rising up?

How did you find out? The answer is probably in the lyrics, but I was always too annoyed to listen to the whole song. Sorry. What were you saying? Just found out I have a crush on you. It just found out. I was just looking at the variety. What are you doing? I was just finding out that I have a crush on you.

What song is that? All right, let's get into this show. So we are at Whitney's and Justin's. Okay, it's time to pack for the trip. And I mean, Justin's working now. So I guess that's the thing. I kind of missed their storyline from last year where she's like, our marriage isn't working because you don't like taking kids to school anymore. I'm divorcing you. I'm so sad. You don't do enough carpools. I'm traumatized.

I need to heal. What happened to that storyline? We just come back and everything is fine now? Yeah. That's a Whitney Rose storyline. It just sort of trails off into the sunset. By the way, if there's anyone who could probably relate to that Jet song, it's Whitney. I just found out. I have a crush on you. Those are lyrics that speak to Whitney's soul. That is how she operates through life. Wait a second.

I just found out. We're married. Oh, that's happening with Jackson Brittany right now. I guess we'll talk about this at Crappy Hour Monday, but it's so late. But Jax gave up custody of his son. Did you know that? Did you read this? Yeah, and he also said that they never got married, that they're not even married. Everybody's like, we didn't get married. Some people just can't file paperwork. They don't understand paperwork. And Lance Bass said, yes, Pastor Lance signed the papers, so I can vouch for this. But yeah, I just found out.

Pete Slauson I just found out. I got a baby with you. So, anyway, Whitney is packing to go to Milwaukee, because she needs to wear something pink and something Milwaukee. Ask, drag, ask, worm, ask, ask, ask. Justin's like, yes. When he first told me you were going to Milwaukee, I was like, whoa, you must really hate these girls to take them to Milwaukee in the winter, right? Fuck Milwaukee.

Justin, we are promoting Milwaukee. We love Milwaukee, ask. Drag queens, ask. Milwaukee, it's where cheese is. Ding. Ask. Now, anyone who watched Padma Lakshmi's taste the nation, which we actually recap this episode that I'm

about to talk about, would of course want to go to Milwaukee because wouldn't you want to go to the city where Padma drove around the Oscar Mayer mobile and said, what's a hot dog? Still the hot dog from America. It's the episode where Pat and the one to the hot dog specials and goes, please tell everyone what is the origin of the hot dog? Wait, I'm going to say a guy went to a fair and they didn't have bread. So we got a bun, but a sausage and a bun. And that was the hot dog.

I did it. You're too slow. Stupid. We even had bratwurst written on a cue card. Idiot. was the hot dog. I did it. You're too slow. Stupid. We even had bratwurst written on a cue card idiot. Can we get less stupid immigrants than the Germans? Yeah, I was very much like welcome to taste the nation. A show about America inventing nothing ever and stealing everything from poor people. Where did we steal the hot dog from, sir?

Could someone please call AAA? It looks like my dear friend Gail Simmons has attached her tea to the end of this Oscar Meyer mobile thinking it was a real sausage. That's not her. Oh my God, it's a giant hot dog mobile. Is there a giant Gail mouth mobile coming around to eat it? Never mind, the normal one will fit it. Also, since I'm dragging the podcast in different directions, I was watching Saturday Night

Football and they had um Jesus no they had Tom Colicchio on there and Tom Colicchio was like you know the things that go into a good game you need to have a good main course, a good appetizer, it's got to be cooked to perfection, it's got to have a wonderful flavor, you got to have good pairing but But everything was like a football reference. He's like, you know, you've got to intercept the flavor and you don't want to fumble the garnish. And I was like, what is Tom Gliccio doing right now? Someone please start the new season.

Don't leave him unattended. Okay. So Whitney's going to Milwaukee. So she's like, yeah, I'm really glad that Heather brought us to the Roads course because it really brought us all together. And then we see a clip of them all yelling at Whitney and yelling at each other. And Whitney's like, I'm just glad we're back because we're in a place where we can go. And who wants to miss the trip to Milwaukee? Ask. So then we go to Meredith and Seth's and Seth's like,

so where are you guys going? She's like, well, Whitney wants us all to go to Milwaukee. This is like sending off a thousand grand flag. And then we see like, flashback to two weeks ago when Meredith is confronting Whitney about the bath bomb issue. Seth's like, you know, just spend time with the other ladies. All right, because here's how I look at Whitney, like high school algebra.

All right, you pay no attention to it. How are boobs doing? Her boobs are like lunchtime. Everybody just wants to get there. But her personality is like calculus. It's very derivative. So no one can do it. No one can do the math. She's like calculus, except I would not call her integral. So calculus, lady Meredith, even my husband said it. So then we go to Bronwyn's house and Tom's like, the plane big enough for all the eagles going onto it. I got you some goggles that you can wear when you get onto the plane. Now here they are.

Oh my gosh and all the flights. I don't think so. I do not think they have a plane that's big enough." And he goes, I know the attitude. Is there enough room for the attitude? Can I carry this attitude on or do I got to put it under the plane? Okay, having an outpac- Now hold on. Hold on. Let me call my friend who's the executive of Pan American Airlines. My little lady is coming on the plane. Can you please treat her well? Thank you. ladies coming on the plane, can you please treat her well? Thank you. So then

Brahman's like, well, I didn't need Lisa to defend me, but I was really shocked that she didn't. He's like, well, if you want to be friends, you gotta give it another chance. It's the same thing we told Italy. We said, you can do it. You can take all your city states and become a country. So Brahman's like... We said, you can do it. You can take all your city states and become a country. So Bronwyn's like... I was trying to come up with a World War II reference, but I couldn't. I couldn't because I'm... I took it into the, I took it into the 19th century.

I went earlier. I'm stupid for historical jokes. I'm really flexing all my high school and college knowledge. I already made two calculus references and now I'm in my eighth in history. I kept Bronwyn's leg. So do I take this bag because it can be a peace sign, but it can also be a middle finger because it's fingers. He's like, yes, you should definitely take that.

By the way, the bag is a big giant hand with two fingers pointing up that are jewel and crud. Don't take it. It's stupid. Your bag is stupid. Listen, designers are laughing at you. They make stupid shit to laugh at rich people who are dumb enough to pay them for that crap. Nobody thinks this is great. Okay? And we do know that Brawler does pay them for that crap because Christian Siriano said so on Watch What Happens Live this week. So, she's like, yeah, I'm here bringing it. He's like, oh, that's very, very perfect. Grover Cleveland

gave me that back. I hope you enjoy it. So, now we go over to Whitney and Mary on FaceTime. We have like, this is, we've never seen Mary like this. She's like smiling and giggling all this episode. They had to come to Jesus with Mary. Yeah, they were like, Mary, listen, here's your final chance, if you're going to come back on this show, you have to at least pretend to like it and be nice to people. And she's like, but I'm just myself. No, Mary, that's not what you do. On reality TV, you actually do have to fake it sometimes. Do it or you're fucking out. And I think she was like, okay, I'll do it. And now she's coming on like, I'm so happy to be here. she's coming on like, I'm so happy to be here. How'd you like dance?

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in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. So Mary is like, Oh, so I'm calling to let you know that I will be there with you awful people but I'm gonna really go by myself, you know, because you know how I fly with me. I do not fly with bobbleheads. So I just got a private plane and I know all 19 of you are going to be on that plane. So I'm gonna be on my own. Yeah. And so Whitney's like, why do I tell them? I mean, if it was anybody

else, I'd give them a hard time, but it's you. And honestly, I'm terrified. Do whatever you'd like. Okay. She's like, just okay. Thanks. She's like, tell them I'm there in spirit. Got it guys Mary's taking spirit airlines will meet her there So then We get the taglines. I'm completely shocked about Heather's tagline Absolutely fucking fall on the floor shocked

Before we say them was it me or didn't seem like the music was really high and that, and the audio on the tag lines was really low. Was that just me? I think so. I don't know. I didn't, I was like, yeah, I didn't notice. I was trying to like, I like, couldn't hear it very well. I was like, either I'm losing my hearing from squawking in each other's ears all day long or the audio levels were down. So Bravo, we have clocked you on your audio mixing. Please take note.

Please take note, Bravo. All right. So you can do others, because I know you love to say this and I've stopped letting you say it too many times on this show. Well, this is a line that I have always loved. I've only been able to stop saying it.

It's a line I've always loved and I even loved it. Even, I even liked it in the promo of like the trailer with the avalanche coming down. But when they started doing but then like something changed recently and then she was, you know, she did like another promo and I was like too much. And now here's her line. Don't blame me. I've got the receipts, proof and the screenshots. Where's the timeline? Yeah, why did they take our timeline? Why? Like get your own line correct.

First of all, does this lady, she's going to go Christmas caroling and be like, we received proof timeline screenshots, received proof timeline screens. It's like, Jesus Christ, we get it. Okay. Congratulations. You're an icon mother. Yeah, this was, this was too much that they're killing their golden goose They should just let this live on its own and let the fans be the ones this is like when Kyle

Took over a goodbye Kyle like that ruined it. Yeah, shoot. Yeah Yeah for Kyle. So Meredith is like well known for my time But I'm known for my tub, but I'm gonna bathe in glory. Wee-hee-hee. Wee-hee-hee. No, no, no. Okay, I'm bathing in glory. Did she finish a triathlon or something?

Like, what, so far I have not seen the glory. Hehehehehe. I am bathing in a new mantle. Bronwyn says, the only thing muted, the only, I'm sorry, the only muted thing you'd find in my wardrobe is my black card. Okay. And then Angie's like, you may have been in a sorority, but I am Greek for life, baby. And I make the robotic voice, but this was the most natural she's ever sounded.

It was weird. I don't know if they just had her improvising lines on the voice notes, because I think that's how they turn in their lines. They're like, just record it in your shower on your iPhone and just shoot it. Remember, Lisa Rinna's one year was like, you could hear traffic behind her. Yeah. Remember the one with Dorinda where she came in and she was fresh out of an argument with someone. She was clearly yelling at someone and they're like Dorinda we need you to record okay I made it we see some maybe proofing anytime I fucked that bitch stealing my life I came over here now oh sorry And now, oh, sorry, you're up. Yeah. On my healing journey, I always travel first class.

Girl, no, you don't. I love that they use that on the season that her Alibaba secrets are coming out. I know. That's hilarious. I know. I was like, first class in Southwest, I don't think really counts as first class. I think it's just all- Unfortunately, my jewelry travels on donkey from Shanghai. It might take a while to get

to you. So, by the way, no, I'm not going to start this. I was going to start complaining about an Etsy delivery from fucking Turkey, but you know what? I'm going to save that. Good luck with that, Drake. I know. I know. I just thought of that stupid strike. She sent it to the wrong address and now she's like, well, can you just get someone to the old address to send it to you? I'm like, no, I can't. You need to send it to my address.

There's a longshoreman strike right now. Nothing's going to get through. They need to send it to the right address at the right time. And they put it on an airplane. Ugh. Fucking longshoremen. Come on. Give them whatever they need. Give them what they need, okay?

Last time I checked they weren't short land ladies. They're longshoremen. Okay. Give them what they need. That's our slogan. Come on, they're men. They'll work for a little extra lunch. Just tell them we'll give you, you know, five more dollars to spend at lunch. That's it. Don't go back.

Come on there man. I'll give you a blowjob. Just settle the whole thing with a few blowjobs. Okay? All right. You do Mary's line. Mary's like, God is my shepherd and you all look like sheep. She's accusing, is she accusing us as the audience? Or is she accusing their castmates?

She's like, you're sheep, you're watching sheep, you're heathens. And what's even worse is that she's saying, God is my shepherd and you all look like sheep. But she's, it's like God works for her. She's like, God's my shepherd and he's hurting all of you guys. Well, who are you then? You know, you're like the boss of the shepherd. I don't really get it. I don't think you're supposed to really understand Mary's taglines, but it's nice that she has one again. Yeah. Lisa's is, we end with Lisa who goes, tequila is my livelihood and my lifestyle has always top shelf. I'm being sued by 20 people, allegedly.

We'll get to that later in the season. I can't wait to get to these Lisa lawsuits or Lisa accusation. I don't know if their lawsuits are just people accusing Lisa of not paying them for stuff, but I can't wait to get to that. I pay for everybody, I have six lawyers. Okay, so now we are with Angie and Sean,

and she is showing her new sunglasses. They've got the Greek flag wrapped around the sunglass. So Angie is packing from Milwaukee with us. She has these big sunglasses out. She's really excited. And she goes, just in case we meet the Greek freak you never know we're going to Milwaukee and we see a picture of what's-his-face John is the superstar player on the Bucks and she is so excited and we know how excited she is because she spends the

rest this entire scene packing so many different sized Greek flags into her bag. Like we should just she's talking about something else and we just see one Greek flag after another. There's like a beach towel. There's a tarp. There's little mini flags like that you put on the front of a car in a motorcade. There's like a stuffed animal. There's just like a can of tomatoes as a Greek flag wrapped around it. I've just never seen so many Greek flags. Yeah. Well, there you go. And Sean's like, oh, I think he'll see you. He'll see me. Do you think he will see me a mile away? He's like, so how do you feel about the trip? Is Meredith Marks going? Is icon Meredith Marks

going? Did you do me a favor? Write down something to tell her for me. I am writing it in Greek letters. Tell her, tell her I said, I got, I got mothers. How do you feel about Lisa at this point? Well, our lunch wasn't very productive. She walked out before the blooming onion arrived. And then we see a flashback two weeks ago with them getting terrified. And Angie's like, we haven't spoke. So I'm hoping we can find some time to talk to each other. But I have one little thing that's kind of weighing on me. Brittany, who you haven't met by the way, Sean, but I don't think that she is at icon level yet,

but she has this whole on again, off again thing with her boyfriend who is an awesome icon Yes, yes And my brow girl was telling me that he's been sending her the EMS and commenting in her DMS and wanting her to call him She asked me like are they together and then she reads her phones and she's like I can read you the DMS She does it and I love how she's like, well, you know, I know that people, I don't like when people came after my marriage. So I really feel bad about this.

Okay, let me read all the texts. You need the screenshots? You all got this? You all have the pictures? Do you want me to just send them to you? Just let me just send them to you. You don't have to take pictures on my phone. Okay.

Do you want me to read them in her voice? I can do that. Here. Here's the first DM. What I would do to put my hands all over your body. Oh, sorry. That was me to Johnis. Never mind. Scratch that one. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I can't wait to put my hands all over your body. Wait, why is this here again? Oh, I'm sorry. I was sending you my text. It's Johnis. Sorry. Unsent. Unsent. Is it too late for unsent? Johnis, have you ever been I'm sorry, I was sending you my text to Giannis. Okay, sorry, I'm sent, I'm sent. Is it too late for an send?

Giannis, have you ever been in a mattress so big, you actually felt like a normal heighted person? Well. So I'm educated. Sorry, I sent that to you, Sean. Yeah, it's okay. Do you need me to come back over there? I was just gonna roll over for a minute, it's asleep. Do you need me to come back over there? I was just going to roll over for a minute.

Okay, come on over here. I'll be here. I'll get the scooter. All right. Here I am. I'm back. So she's like, yeah. And Sean's like, well, I mean, Brittany is like, she taking it more than more seriously than he is, is that kind of thing. She's like, sounds like she is. And actually she is so sweet, but I don't know if I know her well enough to make it my place,

or if I should just out it on national television and tell all of the other girls and maybe one of them can out it first. And she's like, yeah, I feel really badly for Brittany. I know what it's like to have people talk about your relationship and also I am Greek. And then we see a flashback to Monica because the editors are going to find a way to insert Monica in a flashback to every single episode this season.

Yeah. And then Monica is talking about Sean sleeping with other guys. And Angie's like, Brittany, go ahead, Ben. No, that's what they in the flashback, they always show Angie putting her hand on her chest and going, ah, I am Greek. Go ahead Ben. No, that's what they in the flashback. They always show Angie putting her hand on her chest. Oh, I am Greek. No tzatziki. How am I supposed to eat this falafel?

So like, so, so being so horrified when they're out of tzatziki. Saka. So Angie's like, well, I do like her. So if the opportunity arises, I'll say something, right? And he's like, I think you should. What was that? I couldn't hear you over the mountain of pillows on our giant mattress. So then it's 4am and we're at the Provo airport. You know, I figured out why Provo bothers me. And, you know, it's been bothering me since we've been recapping the secret lives of the Mormon wives. And I'm like, why does this place bother you? You've never even been

there. Why do you have such a deep-seated... I bet I know. ...with this place? I bet I know. Because it sounds like Parvo. And Parvo is dog worms and they kill your dog. And I'm always terrified of Parvo. And it sounds too much like Parvo. I think they either need to rename Parvo or they need to rename Provo. I don't like Provo because it sounds like

we're about to start talking about provolone cheese and then we never get quite get there. Oh, I love that. Like you're so close with provolone. You're just like, hey, Provo, how's it going? It's like, well, I'm just like a more palatable, you know, less tangy, less sour parmesan. How are you?

Do you? You know what? I bet really insufferable volleyball players who are professionals call themselves Provo. Oh, is he Provo? Oh, he's just amateur. Oh, that's too bad. Provo. So and she is, she's decided to tell him, okay, yeah, so they go to the airport, everybody's like, hi, hi, hi, hi, Bronwyn comes in looking insane, you know, and Bronwyn's doing that thing with Lisa where Lisa's like, good morning, how are you? I love that. I love that Bronwyn. Oh my God, Bronwyn, you're my best friend. So good to see you. We both like shopping so much. We're such girls. And Bronwyn's like, hello.

Bronwyn has decided to have her first Housewives of War, and she's going up against the person who brought her on the show. First of all, that is ungrateful that I was biting the hand that feeds you. And second of all, good luck with that, because nobody beats Lisa. She can scream louder and she can cry louder and she can lie louder. Have fun. But it's also a rite of passage to have your first fight with Lisa Barlow because everyone takes their shot. You know, everyone goes after Lisa Barlow pretty early on, you know,

so it's just her time. Although I guess Angie's also going against, oh no, Angie had a fight with Lisa Barlow last year too. So, yeah, Bronwyn's being super cold and she goes, I am hurt. Lisa and I have been friends for years, but I left the ropes course feeling like she'd had, she did not have anything to say in my defense. So it's the classic, why didn't you defend me fight? Which is like really that goes part and parcel with assault, like city housewives. I mean, we have, this is a franchise built off of off of, you know, what was the phrase they always say to say this like, you're my ride or die.

Like I'm your ride or die. I'm ride or die for her. I ride. I ride for Jen Shaw. You know, she's doing this. Yeah, she's gonna ride. Gonna go on a little ride. Why did Lisa ride for me?

You know? Yeah, because it wasn't that big of a deal and she did kind of defend you. So that's why I think this fight's stupid because we see the clip and she did kind of defend you and you were talking shit. I mean, we'll get all into this in a minute, but I think this was a misguided first attempt, although I know that she's new and you don't want to fire somebody on their first day. So over their first month, you know, It's like you're on a trial period. Your clothes are stupid.

But I do love your old person husband, and I can't wait to see the first time he poops on the couch on accident. Listen, I like some of her outfits. Like sometimes I'm like, oh no. But then sometimes I'm like, oh yes. But I will say, I do think she has a right to be mad at Heather. I think that Heather basically just like went after Bronwyn out of

left field. And it was bullshit. I think that Lisa defended her more than Bronwyn is giving her credit for. But I do think so maybe Bronwyn doesn't have the right to be this mad at Lisa and definitely not madder at Lisa than at Heather. Or if anything, I guess you want at least to go harder at Heather because Heather came for Bronwyn in a way that was like, really? This is, I don't think Bronwyn was really. But the way that Heather came for Bronwyn was what she wanted Lisa to do for her. So

it's funny because she's mad that Heather was riding so hard to stand up for Whitney, but she wanted Lisa to ride that hard to stand up for her, but she's mad at Heather for doing that for another. It's such a Housewives episode where you're like, oh my God, this is like the most Housewives thing ever. Okay, so let's just start at the beginning because we're going to have to go over all of this again when it actually unfolds. But Lisa is talking in Bronwyn's direction, but she's like, I was worried. I was like, did she bounce? Did she bounce? Did she bounce away? Was she like a little ball? Did she leave me with my ball? Give me my ball. Bronwyn's like, she's like, I just feel like I'm not even friends right

now with Lisa. Yes. And everyone's saying hi in the airport. And then Whitney's like, I didn't even know if Meredith was going to make it because Meredith walked in like, hi. And she's like, I didn't even know if Meredith was going to make it. Because Meredith walks in like, hi. And she's like, I didn't know she was going to make it. But days before the trip, I get this text from Meredith. Hi, Whitney. I moved some plans around to come to Milwaukee. Thank you for the invitation. X.X.

Thank you, Meredith. I don't see anything wrong with that. She gave you advance notice and she was polite. Like, but when he's trying to make it sound like it was cold and bitchy, I'm like, that's literally what do you want her to do? Send a swan with a I accept your invitation. This is a perfectly acceptable text. Yeah. So then Heather is talking about how she pronounces Milwaukee, Millie Wauke, I think. Is that how you pronounce it? I learned that when I started Wayne's World and Gene Simmons spoke

of Millie Wauke. Isn't that funny? And then they show a picture of Gene Simmons with the wrong sound effect, and then they show Alice Cooper. I didn't get any of this. Did you? Can you explain it to me? I'm too gay. Alice Cooper was in Wayne's World. I remember that. I don't remember the Mila Wauke thing. I don't know if that's like the authentic saying of Milwaukee. What I did get was a distinct sense that the producers thought this was really funny and it was actually like, it was actually making me nervous. Like, please don't let this be a sign that you guys don't have any content. Okay, stop doing this. So,

then there, so there are like, just, there's just like some chatter about how Milwaukee, Mileiwake means the good land in Algonquin. And then they just like arrive, they get to this hotel, the King Guest House, which is very nice. And Mary is talking about how she loves Milwaukee because her dad is from Milwaukee. And then she has a very special and adorable anecdote. This is so cute. So this was like, This is more my heart. special and adorable anecdote. She said, so cute. So this was like Mary's back in Milwaukee.

Mary slides my dad. He actually used to live like a streetway from Jeffrey Dahmer. And every time he would go to work, he'd smell a smell. And he always said like, what's that smell coming from? And then like maybe a week later, they were I said, Jeffrey Dahmer. So he saw the whole thing go down. I think it was just being nosy, but he saw it. Wow. I think he was just being nosy, but he saw it. Wow. I hope he was. I hope that that detail was included in the Dahmer mini series on

Netflix because I never watched it. Yeah, that's a lot. Just what's that smell? Oh, God, it turns out that guy was a serial killer. That is crazy. Cents are very big in Marius family. They really know they can really pick up on lots of different smells. Yeah. What if the dad walked past he's like, smells like hospital. That's where she got it. That's where he first smelled that smell of death. Smells like cannibalism. So

she is the one who still said you smell like hospital, right? Yes. Oh, she's or Like I was at the hospital with my grandmother or my mother or whoever and she's like smells like hospital to me It's jen shaw's birthday tomorrow, by the way, I know this because apparently I actually follow her on instagram I don't know why I follow her but I do and a story came up I was like, oh my god a story from jen shaw. Is it from prison? And it was like k- my God, a story from Jen Shaw. Is it from prison? And it was like, hey, Shaw squad, as you all know, October 4th is Jen Shaw's birthday. I was like, I don't know this.

And I think I had- That's all center messages. Anybody want to get anything from the Amazon wish list? We need to. You know, I will say this. I knew, we knew this was going to happen, but Jen Shaw is really living her best life in prison. She's having the best time every time and, look, I don't talk to her anything. I don't know her. I don't know anybody who knows her. But everything that comes out of

Jen Shaw in prison is like Jen Shaw having a blast. Like they had a story when she first went in about how she was putting together a prison play. Like she got all the girls together to put together a play about the Real Housewives. And then later they showed her friends with, being friends with that Elizabeth. The old big. Yeah. Blood test lady, Elizabeth Holmes. And they're like besties now. I mean, every time they and they're just walking around the prison yard together to show some like walking around the yard together chatting. I was like, of course, Jim Shaw walks right in there and

just has the time of her fucking life and makes the best of it. you know? Do not miss you though. That was a very warm segment where I talked about how great she's doing. Do not miss you stay gone. It was a birthday. Early birthday. Yeah. So they so Mary is with fresh memories of Jeffrey Dahmer enters this hotel and then we watch for like 30 seconds as she and the door guy struggle to walk into the hotel. Because she's got four pieces of luggage and he can only carry two. So she has to carry two. But watching her try to get a damn piece of luggage

over she doesn't understand what a door sill is. Is that what you call it? A door sill? That's the thing at the bottom. Or jam maybe. Whatever. She does not know what it is or why her suitcase won't just roll over it. And so she just stands there and no one's there to help her. Then she looks down, no one's there to help her. So she kind of moves it. It won't move. I mean, it's just, it's something. But then even the door guy can't get in. Like she gets in, you're like, oh good, we can finally move on. And then he's like stuck and he's like stuck with this. By the way, also door guy, why don't you help Mary? He just is standing there. He's holding the door

and just watching her struggle instead of saying, you know what, you go in, I will get your bag. You know what? Shame on you. Yeah. Well, she probably wouldn't let him keep or leave her bag out there, you know? She's like, these bags are cheap. Yeah, these are more expensive than you. Yeah. So then Angie's like,

Melee, when was the last time you had a girls trip? And she's like, Oh, wow. Oh yeah, and you have children? How old is your fourth child? Wow. You're talking to you, Melee. I don't hear anything that comes out of Melee. I don't even know what she looks like or what her voice sounds like anymore. I don't even know.

Melee and I have been friends for a little while now. We ran in the same circles all the way back in college. That was just college for us running in little circles in our dorm room. Oh, God, we had so much fun. I remember I looked at Melee and I said, Melee, and she said, I said, why do we keep running in circles? There's a whole world beyond this track. And then we left the circle.

It's been so fun. And you know what's fun? Anyway. Okay, so I'm really glad that she could come to Milwaukee because she's a badass, amazing woman. And then she gives that little like weird smile. She's just like, keep the camera on. It was like, it's like making that dumb face and smiling. It's so fucking funny.

Why am I liking Whitney so much this season? This is the first time ever, but she's like, But why are we getting a season three like sales pitch on Melee? She's already been with us for two episodes already. She went on the Rope Scores. I think she's just trying to explain it because I'm sure a lot of people are like, wait, Melee's on this trip? So she's trying to sell their friends. You know, she's got to try and say, sell, sell Maile's so she

can have someone on her side. Heather's trying to sell Brittany so she can have her on her side. Lisa was trying to sell Bronwyn so she could have her Bronwyn's really blowing that one too soon, but Zeus, best God ever. Angie's hawking, fucking Suzuki out there. Don't ever run out again. Or you will see me go. So then Lisa, they're like, so they're eating lunch or whatever. And people like,

so how's Jack doing Lisa? She's like, Oh my God, health lies. He's fine. He's fine. Take a little bath. What? I'm like, I'm fine. Take a little bath. I don't want to get a muscle. Hold on.

It's having some health problems. Jack has been on a mushroom under Columbia for about eight months. And the middle of the night he woke up and the worst pain in his stomach and was like, Oh my God, it's an appendix. And it turns out eating non-processed food, his stomach was rejecting it. So anyway, I couldn't even stand it. He was like, I'm going to come help you. And he's like, no mom. And I was like, Oh, the worst thing in the world is to know that your kid is suffering and you're not there. I wasn't even there to microwave a Kit Kat in the cup for him to drink slowly and feel better.

I wasn't even there to microwave a Kit Kat in the cup for him to drink slowly and feel better. So in the biggest shock and obviously very sad hope that Jack is okay. But oh, he's fine. Your kid got a stomach ache out of town. Boo fucking he's fine. Geez. So then while Lisa's crying, Mary of all all people, gets up and comforts Lisa, so gives her a hug.

I'm like, wait, when did they become cordially again like this? I thought Mary hated Lisa. Have you ever seen those videos where Justin Bieber has lizard eyes? It just like flashes through like- I would like to know which video he doesn't have lizard eyes in. Well, you know those lizard, the lizard conspiracy where people think that like rich people are like lizards that are taking over the world. Like they kill the person and then they take over their body, like the V's or whatever. And they take the body and then they

become that person. Maybe that's, maybe Mary got V'd because who is this? I have no idea who this is. Maybe that's maybe Mary got Vied because who is this? I have no idea who this is. By the way, if the lizards are doing this and they're taking over these very successful people's lives and bodies and are still like killing the game, then like, if the lizard, why are we bad? Let me tell you what else. I'm surprised that I haven't been taken over yet.

Well, first of all, I'm not like famous and rich. I think they like hot, young, rich, famous. Well, no, that's not true. Cause Joe Biden's supposedly a lizard, first of all, I'm not like famous and rich. I think they like hot, young, rich, famous. Well, no, that's not true because Joe Biden's supposedly a lizard. But you know what I mean. Like they, you have to have, you have to have more than like a podcast to get taken over. It's not like the lady at Target's a lizard lady. So I'm going to say, I think I might get taken over. Like maybe I'll get really famous one day because I think they're casing me. Because every time I leave my house in Texas, I swear to you, every time, it feels like a video game. A lizard scurries out in front of my steps. And every time I leave here, a lizard scurries out in front of my steps in the afternoon. Every time. Do they

live under steps? Maybe. That's probably the most logical reason is that lizards probably live under steps. But every time, Ben, and I think they've been casing me. So if I suddenly become a nice person for no reason, just start spreading out my list to people, you know what's happened to me. I'm gone, Ben. You know what? That's fine. Because it seems like the lizards are just nothing but upside. It would be great. That's true. You're like, I'd love you as a lizard. Take him. They're like, look at all of our a lizard. Take him. He was taking me out into the street.

Look at all of our favorite celebrities. They're all actually lizards. Great. They're doing a great job. They're happy. Yeah. Normally, it's like, body was taken over and now you become like a maniac and you're killing people.

But if the lizards are like, I've taken over your body and I released an album. Well, great. Yeah. You're like, Rodney, what are you doing today? I'm like concentrating on my future and exercising. How about you? You'll be like, you'll know. You'll know. Like Lady Gaga was like the original version was like gin rummy face.

And then a lizard took over was like, how about poker face? Let's make this work. You know, it's like in space. Just say it. Wait, hold on. Lizard revision coming in. Just dance. Then I got a not so great romance wizard revision. How about bad romance? Somewhere I'm shooting rainbows. How about yours just over a rainbow?

Oh, that's nicer. OK, so let's get the lizard are actually now just edit editors. I like that the lizards don't even don't even like write lizardy type lyrics. They just kind of improve humans mistakes. Lizards find- There could be a better lyric. Lizards find people who have like a good toolbox. Like she can sing,

not a great lyricist, I can step in. All right. So Lisa's crying and I don't care. So then we go to, they're like, oh my God, we're praying for Mary. It's like, I'm praying for you. And Brittany's like, I'll be praying for you too. I will be praying for you too. Along with my boyfriend and future husband, the Osmond that's not currently fucking his sister. And if things go well, I will be getting you some Nutrisystem too. Yeah. So then Whitney's like, Are you ready to hear what we're doing tonight?

And everyone's like, uh, just heard about a dying child story, Whitney. Maybe. I don't know, give that some time to kind of settle. So, sorry about Jack. I hope his stomach's okay to party like we're gonna party later. We are going to a a backs game. I mean a bucks game. Sorry. They're like woo a bucks game. And they're like, so what is that again? And we're just gonna watch some deer running around. No, it's a basketball team. And then Angie's like, that that that that that that yes, there are

two Greek freaks in Milwaukee today. These are not my people. If one of my friends was like, guess what we're all doing today, go to football and go fuck yourself, die in a fire. We're not friends. Who would ever bring that up around me? I would like to say to the Crappens audience, I'm unlike Ronnie, and if you have box seats to any sporting event, I will happily go. Thank you very much. No, not me. I've been to a box thing before, and it was like hot dogs. Now, granted, it was for the El Paso Diablos. It was not that fancy. But I was like, could

we get a better box? Because I see some steamed hot dogs and some Snickers bars. Okay. You didn't even wrap these and plate them? Really? Okay. So Whitney is like, before Milwaukee happens, wait, before that, Milwaukee happens to be the home of the largest bobblehead museum in the world. I bet everyone looks over at Mary. So I've been dying to take Mary to the bobblehead museum because she called me, nine, a bobblehead. And Mary was like, yes, I called her a bobblehead, but she's not a bobblehead anymore. She passed the baton to someone else. And then we just cut to Brittany and like, can't wait to give a speech about my boyfriend.

Well, there's more than just bobbleheads in Milwaukee. It also has some casinos that we could go to if I have some gamblers here and I see a few gamblers here. Now, by the way, I'm putting a pin in my by the way. Never mind everyone. Let the lizards go. Okay. Okay. So, they're like, some are going to go to the casinos. They're really excited and some are going to go to the museum. So, they're really excited. And then Mary gets a call from her son Robert Jr. So she answers and she's like, everything okay? What's up? I'm pretending to be nice. It's exhausting. Please just

make it quick. And he's like, I was just wondering if I could have $60 on the cash. She's like, that's the only reason you called me. Did you call a check on me? He's like, yeah. Can't even, she's like, are you sending? He's just waiting for the ding. Like, you're never gonna get recruited by the lizards at this rate. So then- That kid is definitely not being recruited by the lizard.

No, the lizard must just passed you by. I feel like the lizard must probably goes by there every morning and is like, no, no. Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers. Watch what crap ins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. Ashley Schiavone, she don't take no baloney. Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no trickles. Jamie, she has no last name-y.

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