Watch What Crappens - #2834 Summer House 0913 Part One: Soft Headed Live in Austin

Episode Date: May 10, 2025

This is part oneWe are live in Austin to recap summer house! Carl has secured a 90 year lease for his possibly pointless business and things are looking … soft? Also, Jessie is now dating Lexi’s mom and sister. You can listen to our bonus eps and participate in live episode threads at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. Tickets for our North American tour on sale at watchwhatcrappens.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to watcha crappin's ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. When a young woman named Desiree vanishes without a trace, the trail leads to Kat Torres, a charismatic influencer with millions of followers. But behind the glamorous posts and inspirational quotes, a sinister truth unravels. Binge all episodes of Don't Cross Cat early and ad-free on Wondery Plus. Guess what happens when there's so much that happens Austin! Well hello you gorgeous little cowgirls and husbands of cowgirls you are good husbands happy Mother's Day weekend

suckers happy Mother's Day my mama's here yeah hi Rhonda if she's already read someone for filth we're sorry sorry. It's an honor. She does it the best. Happy Mother's Day, mommy. I love you. Love you Rhonda. It's so great doing a home show and having so many friends and family here. I had two friends come from LA, Mike and Mike, Michael and Mike. They're so cute and they're like, you know, are we okay? You know, it's like gays in Texas. I was like, please, it's Austin. It's so liberal. So, you know, I live out in, which is not really Austin, Austin, but so we're driving out to the burbs and I'm just telling, oh, so liberal.

You know, my neighbors are gay. There's some lesbians down the street. There's an old gay constable with a Filipino twink lover who's out there fire twirling all the time. And we passed the Hill Country Galleria. And there's a sign, yeah, I boo that place too because I'm not shopping outside and fuck you too Domaine. This is Austin. The weather is Iraq, it's Iraqi weather. They're like have fun shopping outside. So anyway, we're passing the Hill Country, like what the hell?

It's like Desert Storm trying to go to a Banana Republic. So we pass this political sign and it says, no balls in girl sports. And of course, I know, balls and girl sports, right? So we're passing by and they immediately put it on Instagram, like, you know, you're in Texas. I said, look, at least the sign is ripped. It's ripped in half and spray-painted over in bright pink Yes, and I said and if you keep driving around the traffic circle in the Hill Country Galleria There's like a hundred political signs and one of them really stands out because it says vote hard cock So you can't complain too much. We give you something here, boys.

It's very exciting for me because I don't live here. So I always love coming in to visit Austin. This is, I don't know, I feel like this is my 10th time here. It's so fun. I especially love the airplane ride to Austin because you can always tell the people who are going to LA, but you can always tell the people who are going to LA, but you can always tell the people who are going to Austin, who are from Austin.

People in LA have sweaters, they're like, I'm just so cold, I'm almost in LA. People in Austin are like, I'm so fucking hot. There was a guy sitting across the aisle from me who he got on, he was wearing a t-shirt and the t-shirt had like a sewn in vest to it. It was like, the t-shirt had a vest. It was like he had wearing a t-shirt and the t-shirt had like a sewn in vest to it. It was like the t-shirt had a vest. It was like he had taken a t-shirt vest, but attached sleeves to it to make it a t-shirt.

So already I was like, this guy's from Austin. And he had a handlebar mustache. And he had a toddler. And you know, I historically have been very anti toddler especially on airplanes but I swear this is the first time I actively rooted for the toddler and that toddler that toddler did amazing work like this toddler well first the best part was the first the toddler took the guys headphones and do them into the aisle and did this like two or three times but he would never notice

and people kept on being like your headphones so fine the third time the toddler threw it in the aisle and then a guy came walking down the aisle and it attached to his shoe and he dragged it all the way to the back of the plane I was like yes and then he sat there looking for his headphones and then finally the guy behind him was like yeah yeah, they attached to someone's shoe and they went back there. And the guy goes, fuck! And honestly the best part about it all

was that like over the course of this like hellish flight for him, his handlebar mustache slowly deflated. And by the end it was just a mustache. And I was like, oh, I've dreamed of the day when someone's handlebar mustache deflates on them, and now I've seen it! You've seen the untwerling of the Texas staff. It was a great flight. Someone also fainted, and then she was embarrassed,

and then she was sobbing. For me, it's perfect. Yeah, God. I was like, ah, stories. Love you, Austin. Love you, Austin. perfect. I was like, ah, stories. Love you, Austin. Love you, Austin. So good. Explaining the neighborhoods. Okay. There's a lot of meth heads here. If they talk to you, just smile and keep walking. We're about to go to the east side. That's why there's a Chrysler up on 15 inch wheels with us.

We did see that. It was true. We did see that. And then his back window was the state of Texas bleeding. Yeah. It looked like a car on a bunk bed. I was like, why are your rims so tall? And that's the East Side.

The Hill Country Galleria side, Bee Cave side is vote Hardcock. That's just how we roll here. I'm very excited for our Texas extravagance this weekend. I made this shirt for Texas, my horse shirt. I was going to debut it tonight, but I'm not gonna lie, I did wear it to Cowboy Carter on Wednesday. You know, Beyonce. Playing second fiddle to fucking Beyonce,

what else is new? I can't help it, I can't help it. Beyonce, you know, she always gets to. This is very handsome, very homo made. By the way, and let's look at Ronnie's beautiful blue number he's got on here. Come on, you're in Texas, you gotta do something. It's like, listen, when you have...

When you start with a T-shirt with the best that's embedded in it, you can only go up from there. Ha ha ha. How was Beyonce, Cowboy Carter? Was it everything? Was it everything? Icon! It was almost as good as tonight's show is gonna be right here. How was Beyonce, Cowboy, Carter? Was it everything? Was it everything? Icon! It was almost as good as tonight's show

is gonna be right here. Yeah, okay. All right, let's get into it. For those of you who don't know, tonight we're covering Summerhausen. My mom said, what the hell is that? Is it the ladies screaming at each other? I said, no, it's the youngest people

like trying to pretend that they get boners for each other. She's like, all right. By the way, this is a big week of news. We have a new pope. Call her. Lexi and Jesse got back together. I saw Conclave. I know how it works.

Yeah. And Roni was canceled. So, I mean, really, so much is happening. You should have opened up. The pope is the last of that news. Why the Pope? It's an American pope. I'm Jewish, so the rony matters more to me.

I was reading the Pope news, and people are like, but I found out that he stood up for child molesters. I was like, are you new here? Has Reddit just heard of popes? It's not a new story, people. I honestly, I know we have to start the show, but I'm like, I've got so much energy. It lasts 10 hours anyway. Listen, if you're next to somebody who's complaining that this is too long, just remind them this could have been standing room. This is Zemos.

Like I don't like the idea of an American pope is so funny to me and like Because like when popes are from foreign countries, they're sort of an abstract concept But like to find out that the Pope is from Chicago And I was making a joke to my friend I was like, I mean, what if the Pope has a brother and then sure enough there was an article today that was like The Pope's brother is really excited and I was like, how do you just walk around Chicago and be like, oh, yeah That's my brother. He's the pope. Yeah, he's the pope. Let me tell you what he likes.

Cheese cooked on top, or sauce cooked on top of cheese on a pizza. Is that a thing? That's the wrong city, I think. You know that these housewives are gonna be trying to name drop. Like, Lisa Barlow's gonna be like, yeah, I knew the pope once, yeah.

He used to come to Sundance, yeah. I had to call all six of my lawyers on his ass. I said, if you're gonna go with the Vatican, go all the way. I think they set us up to be happy with whoever the pope was, because for the whole week, they've been showing pictures of Trump as the pope,

you know? They could have voted for Little Debbie. I would have been like, that's it! It's the pope! Nailed it! We're all Little Debbie. I would have been like, that's it, it's the Pope. Nailed it. We're all suddenly cheering the Pope. We're like, thank God, literally, thank you. I think my favorite part of the conclave

was watching Mary Cosby trying to look inside it. It was called her Mary Conclave. All right. I scared me. It's time for art. It's time for art, you guys. Previously on Summer House. Hey, all. I'm Seara.

I met a cute girl, Ciara. Good for you, Carl. I had sex. Great Carl. Well, I mean, I kind of had sex. I couldn't really perform, so I kind of stayed soft. It's kind of my thing. Okay.

By the way, I love you. I've always loved you. You're gorgeous and do you ever look at me and think like, wow, that's Carl. Roar? Roar like, crawl. Like, he's sexy. Now. I've got unleaded gas for you. OK, Carl. Oh, yeah, you can leave me. I'm going to enjoy you walking away.

But you see what I did there? Why are you walking backwards? Sarah, come back. Amanda! The doctor said my nuts are producing like 30 gallons of sperm a day. What if I'm sterile? That would be amazing, Kyle. I've been having nightmares I get birthed to a mullet-wearing turntable. But I'm the one who doesn't want to have kids with you. I just bought glasses for the first time, so I'm thinking a little more deeply, and

I'm just like not sure about this. Fuck. I want to impregnate you now. Jesse! Oh my god, Amanda. I mean, Lexi. It's written down. It's a lot going on.

I put a lot of the planet over my eyes by accident. Lexi, Jesse told us you were a needy stalker. Jesse? You told the girls I'm a stalker? Who said that? You know I usually date people who are way more rich and more famous than you, right? Not richer or famous than future me. I've got a new single coming out. It's gonna be dropping on the gram this week.

Check it. Dray-dle, dray-dle, dray-dle. You're made out of clay. What's a dray-dle? Dancing. What's a dreidel? Hanson. So, this whole week, Lexi has been on a press tour over her five-minute relationship with Jessie. Girl, I like you, Lexi.

Please stop. I can't even turn on the news. I tried to watch the Pope news. Lexi popped up. She's like, did you know what the G, you know what Jesse did to me? Sierra went out with Jesse on my birthday. And then her sister and her mom showed up behind the Pope and I was like, really? Because it's not- The Pope's robe raises and the mom and the sister come out like- Contouring their fucking face. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father.

And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father.

And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they're like, oh, I'm going to be a good father. And then they was like, really? Because it's not- The pope's robe raises and the mom and the sister come out like, contouring their fucking faces. We knew a pope was chosen when our lip liner gave out white smoke. They're everywhere. They keep showing like, they're just like, hey.

Oh my God. Okay, so they were, they were on Watch What Happens Live and I was like, Holy wood people. Because those two, listen, we all have TikTok. We've all seen contouring videos enough. Stop. You all look fucking crazy with your brown that are as big as a thumb going like, oh, oh, oh, oh, and then you get 10 pounds of white makeup to do that, you look like a box, just stop it. It's like they've got tarmacs going up their cheeks. The sister's nose is literally looks like a, like a apple pencil just sticking out.

Like, why are you doing that to yourself? I'm like, it recharges in five seconds. That's amazing. Okay, so we open up at the summer house. They seem like very nice girls. They do. They actually seem, I was about to say, I'm actually really liking Lexi lately.

I don't know why, even though she does get back with Jesse. I don't know, I've kind of had like a turn of truth. I don't hate Lexi, you know what? But I don't hate trains either, just shut up. Just be quiet. I don't hate a duck, but I don't want toi, you know what, but I don't hate trains either. Just shut up. Just be quiet. I don't hate a duck, but I don't want to hear you all day. Do it in the water. Go over there.

I would be okay with a duck. Really? Nick Viles, like the Nick Vile pot. He's like, hey, welcome to Nick Viles. So you're like really mad at Jesse now. It's like, yeah, like you really hear my feelings because I knew him this time. I could have watched Les Mis.

Like Jesus Christ, it's 10 hours of Lexi, enough. You dated, this interview was longer than you dated the guy. We're like, God, that long ass interview. Anyway, we're in negative two seconds of the episode. Let me tell you more about the Hill Country Galleria. Hope I'm on right. So yeah, I have not consumed any of the Lexi content, but I just have seen her sister and her mom literally

on every single piece of content I could even imagine. Like, I called up my mom and they were there. I was like, how did you get to Katana? Okay, so we opened this episode with Paige and Lindsay. They're the first people to arrive to the Summer House and they're still pretending that they like each other and it's so clear that they really don't. I'm sorry, I don't care what anybody says.

Everyone on the line is like, oh my God, girl power, it's so nice to see these girls getting along. Paige is literally looking at Lindsay like this. This stuff. It's like so nice being first with you. Yeah. I, um, if you don't mind, Lindsay, I'm just gonna go upstairs and wash the smell of Werther's originals out of my hair. Does anyone else have the theme song to driving Miss Daisy in their head or is that just me? I've never driven over here with anybody who can just pee in their pants and it doesn't

matter because they're wearing special underwear. This has been... So now they actually have to do the deed of making small talk and so Paige is like, hmm, I love coming in on Fridays. It's so clean. And then we really shit it up. And by us shitting it up, it's really Kyle bringing in 10,000 cases of Loverboy and leaving it everywhere.

But you know, that's fun too. OK, well, I checked in with Lexi. And she was like, I'm really bummed out because she's having this thing with Jesse. And I'm like, oh my god, girl, tell me everything. Yeah. I heard that they're like not even talking to each other anymore, so I can't even imagine, slash, I'm so excited to see how awkward it's gonna be.

Paige is ready for the most awkward weekend, so she can be like, everyone, to the bed right away. Oh my God, wasn't that amazing downstairs? So they're like, oh my God, are they gonna stay together? Oh my God, I cannot wait to know, I mean, is it gonna work out with Jessie and like, tell my God, are they going to stay together? Oh my God, I cannot wait to know. I mean, is it going to work out with Jesse and Lexi? Tell me more.

She's sitting there like eight months pregnant, 50 of she's a day. This girl, trust me, this girl does not care about Jesse and Lexi. She does not care. Oh my God, the girl called me. Oh my God, you should have heard my voicemail. You know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blahail. You know, it was five hours long. So then, so then just-

My answering machine ran out of tape. You use an actual answering machine? Jesus Christ. I have a question machine. So then, Jesse, it goes like this. Hi, you've reached Paige. What's wrong with you?

So Paige is so excited for an awkward weekend. She's going to be gossiping all weekend. She just knows this will be perfect. And then the door opens and then walk Jessie and Lexi together and Paige and Lindsay look at each other like, oh my god. Gross. Because this is that couple that you know we all have been friends, we've probably been that couple.

We've been the people, I've been the person in this couple, okay, where I'm like, that motherfucker, I dumped his ass, I'm sick of his shit, and let me tell you what else I told him, he talked to me at dinner, and I said, you go fuck yourself, and then the entire restaurant applauded me tell you what else I told him. He talked to me at dinner and I said, you go fuck yourself. And then the entire restaurant applauded me, you know? But then the next time you see me I'm like, oh my god, hi.

We just drove together. He's such a bad driver, you guys. Ha ha ha ha. Lindsay has this big smile on her face, like a scary Lindsay smile, which is most Lindsay's smiles, but this is a particularly scary one. And she's like, oh wow, we have so much to catch up on. Oh my God, yeah, I would love to know what the 1960s were like.

Please tell me. Did he paint his pants and it didn't even leak on the seat? Lindsay did. Paige is like, so did you guys drive together here? How was the drive? Did you remember that you wasted two hours of my time on the phone talking about how you guys were going to break up and now you're in it together? Okay, just want to know if you remember that.

Yeah, they're both looking at her like, are you serious? Aren't you breaking up with Jessie? And so she's like, um, like everything was great with you guys talking about like, okay, we've had so many conversations. It's been like so good, you guys. Cause I've been like, what do you feel? And then he'll like tell me. And then I'm like, but here's how I feel.

And it's like been amazing, you guys. You're probably exhausted. Just kidding, I'm exhausted by. And so she's saying, Lexi's saying like, Yeah, we spoke for like hours and hours. And Lindsay just looks at Paige and goes, Oh, hours and hours. No one dared to give me a fucking phone call about this.

I'll be prepared for this scene. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. Some people get a wild haircut or book a spontaneous trip when life throws them a curve ball. But Molly? Well, she dove headfirst into a world of no strings attached sex, secret rendezvous,

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anyone else and completely ad free on Wondry Plus. Everyone has that friend who seems kind of perfect. For Patty, that friend was Desiree. Until one day... I texted her and she was not getting the text. So I went to Instagram and she has no Instagram anymore. And Facebook, no Facebook anymore. Desiree was gone. And there was one person who knew the answer. I am a spiritual person, a magical person, a witch. A gorgeous Brazilian influencer called Cat Torres, but who was hiding a secret.

From Wandery, based on my smash hit podcast from Brazil, comes a new series, Don't Cross Cat, about a search that led me to a mystery in a Texas suburb. podcast from Brazil comes a new series, Don't Cross Cat, about a search that led me to a mystery in a Texas suburb. I'm calling to check on the two missing Brazilian girls. Maybe get some undercover crew there. The family are freaking out. They are lost. I'm Chico Felitti.

You can listen to Don't Cross Cat on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it

again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that helped them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. So then we cut to boy car. It's boys car. Hey, boys car. Cards are for the boys. Hey. Cards are for the boys.

Hey, get in the car, beast. West beasts. Ha. Hello, fellow young person. Here we are, driving in a car. Yeah. Hold on one second. There's a red light about half a mile up ahead

and I like to slowly decelerate because I like to arrive there softly. I've gotten a ticket for that actually, soft stopping they call it. They say you can't get a ticket. There's a good guy clause for traffic, but whatever. So how you doing, West Beast? How's it going?

He's like, um, well, I went out last night. You went out Beast? That's pretty cool, Beast. Yeah, I was like trying to go out with Lexi or with Jesse, but then Lexi came. So that was like, Oh, well, Lexi was there. That's pretty cool. Lexi Beast was there. I'm getting the hang of the beast thing, right? Like that's when you say beasts, right? But then like Lexi was there with her family too. Does that mean I can bring Sharon to the club?

Doot, doot, doot, doot. Sharon Beast. Get your good bra on and get downtown. Aww. We're going to Hard Rock Cafe. And he's like, wait. I'm sorry, I would never go there. I go to the Soft Rock Cafe.

Come on. Keep the soft. Keep it soft. What was I thinking? So were they just going out as friends? Or was the family there to date Jesse? Or were they all just going out as friends? What was going on?

He's like, yeah, dude. It was so awkward, because he was grinding up on her ass in front of her mom. And then her mom was grinding up on Jesse's ass in front of Lexi then Tiffany was grinding up on the mom's ass It's like and the dad was just doing something weird up on the wall Not gonna lie I made a move on the dad. I don't know what happened Just thought I needed someone So then we get a phone clip, you know, like a self clip or whatever of them out at the bar and I feel like their whole relationship is

on someone's camera roll. It's on Lexi's camera roll because everything in their relationship is this. Oh, yes. Yes. It's like the dick is touching the butt, but the eyes are always in the camera. Yeah. By the way, just again, so wonderful to have Ron is mom here. Let's take a pause to remind you guys I was conceived in the repainting racks at a bowling alley. Okay?

Before we get too morally uptight in here. Some people play their children classical music in the womb. Here's what I heard. All right, back to present. So yeah, so Carl and Wes are basically just talking that Lexi and Jesse are back together and Wes is just like, this is crazy. They only just met each other five minutes ago. So then we go over to Amanda.

It's not even enough time to do a New York Times article interview about somebody. Shut up, West. So over in the Amanda and Kyle and Sierra car, Amanda's like, so I went to Gabby's this week. And everyone's like, who? Gabby. She's on our show. I went to Gabby's this week. I would show you guys footage, but it's all been cut. This would probably be a good time to mention the other controversy that surfaced. Yeah, some of you already know about this.

Emeril. Emeril turned into one of his friends. He was the arrow this week. He was the arrow. He was there. He apparently was there this week. Emeril was there the whole week and shooting these scenes. They're posting behind the shot.

What the fuck am I talking about? Behind the scenes, BTS photos. There we go. Young fellow, young people. And Emeril was there the whole time and they cut his ass out. They cut him out. So it looks like the writing's on the wall. Well, because the thing is they're saying that Emeril, the rumors that Emeril left the reunion early. So maybe he's on the bad side of Bravo. Why didn't he leave early? He probably was fucking somebody. That's what he does.

There was someone to fuck. If I was getting it like Emeril, I'd leave right now. I'd be like, you know how to do this. They're like, we'll just put an arrow where Emeril was. Be like, Emeril's right. Wouldn't be the first time you felt alone up here. I'm out. So Amanda's saying that she went to Gabby's and she's like

well you know obviously since I'm the one who told Lexi everything I thought she might need the girls to rally around her. This translation I came in and like tar-pruned or tar-pruned is that even a word? No. Tar-pruned is a word. What you do to whales to get shoes. Either way, she came in... And I just like she just destroys the relationship and then she's like, oh, I think we should all rally around you. That's so Amanda. Yeah, I'm mad that who caused all this in the first place.

It's like, I feel so bad that someone started shitting their relationship. Yellow flag, yellow flag. But I think she's gonna give him another chance. Sierra's like, what? Did you guys see Sierra on Watch What Happens Live when she was on there? Was that girl fucked up? What was wrong with her?

She was, right? I don't know, look, I'm not accusing anybody. If she was fucked up, I wanted to meet her in the dressing room. But this was Sierra the whole time. Her eyes are like squinted shut, and she's like, fuck all of this. I don't know if she Botoxed her whole head, because I've done that, where you can't move anything but your eye. Like, just shut like that, and you're like...

People are like, are you mad? No. What do you mean, are you mad? No. What do you mean am I mad? I got Groupon Botox. I'm not mad. I saved money this week. So we go to a flashback to Gabby's like moment with Lexi and Lexi's talking about this whole situation. She's like well obviously I care for him but like an obviously I don't want our whole summer to go to waste. Like we put a lot of time into our Storyline we just want to see it through for the trailer Yeah, and then Amanda's like literally I sat there and I was like look like I'm all for giving chances I mean you've met Kyle, right?

So I'm not gonna say you can't give him a second chance or a third chance or marry him in your parents backyard after he cheated on you or dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot. Kyle's like, yeah, shut up Amanda, all right, look. I've got limited intricacy, limited knowledge of their intricacies and their relationship. When did Kyle start talking like this? What's happened to Kyle? He's like, but you know,

that's how I got portrayed to the guys. And I'm team woman, I'm Kyle. What does Amanda have on this man? This is not Kyle. I like it, but it's not Kyle. I don't believe it. He has too much sperm in him and it's making him smarter.

It's weird. Can't stop sperm-ing! Can't stop! I've got so much! Have you ever heard somebody say, I am producing so much sperm, I might be sterile. What does that mean? That means you've got more chances. It's like those greedy fucks at the gas station just buying reams of fucking lottery tickets. You know, you got more chances.

I haven't heard that, but I have definitely heard of, I might get into a car crash, so I'm putting my sperm into a bank for posterity. Happy Girlfriend's Day, I froze my sperm. Wow, that's amazing. You froze my vagina as well by telling me that. So they get to the summer house, and honestly, this to me is right up there with News of the Pope. They fixed the door.

And they could not be more shocked. They open the door, they're like, wait. And they open and close it like three times, like it opens and it closes. But it also goes to show you that you don't appreciate what you have. None of us really do. I mean, how many people walked into that house,

they didn't even notice the door. Like how much drama have you been through with that door? And they're like, oh, the door opened, who cares? It took until Amanda arrived to be like, oh my God, we should be grateful for stuff. You saw it. Amanda's an angel. Okay, so then we're talking about these stupid couples still. So Amanda's like, oh, Lexi got upset about the thing.

And like, I think the jazzy just wants to put blame on someone. So he's projecting on the Lexi. Now Lexi's really upset and now she's mad at Sierra. And so we see flashbacks to two weeks ago, where Sierra's like, ha ha ha, ha ha. He's like, oh, Sierra, stop touching my arm. No touching. Oh.

So they walk in, and everyone is just like sitting on the sofas awkwardly and Cal's like, hey, oh, it's shaking. And Paige is like, nothing, we were just here talking to Lexi and Jesse because they walked in here like hugging and smiling and we didn't approve of that. So we're going to make them sit on the sofa until they explain how the hell they got back together again when we put in all that work to break them up last week. The entire cast of Summer House cannot just be sitting in a circle on the couches when

other cast members walk in. That is intervention time. I don't even know how they walked in. I would have walked in and I'm like, you're right, I'm a fucking liar. I didn't coke on the way here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I'll accept it if you'll give it to me.

Does anybody have any coke? So Kyle has a phone call. He's got to go call his doctor to find out about a sperm. He's like, yeah, I heard that something was overworking and they're like, have you gotten a fertility test? And I was like, oh, I haven't gotten a fertility test. And Patience for some reason goes, classic. I don't know what you meant by that, but I'm assuming Kyle has something very uninteresting

to say, classic Kyle. And he's like, yeah, you know, I'm going to take a call and I could have done it on video or something, but I really want it to be more personal. So I just kept shooting right into the camera. So we're gonna do it on the phone. Candidly, I'm like really nervous going into this because there's always a chance that like,

I'm sterile, right? And like in the back of my mind, I'm like, if I'm sterile, can I still sell Loverboy? Is that possible? Do I have to call it Sterile Boy? Like, what is it? And I'm thinking about Amanda potentially ruling out kids forever.

I mean, like we could, there's a possibility that if I'm sterile, we will never have kids. Like, cut to Amanda bringing a microwave to his crotch. It's like... She's like, here, put your cell phone in your front pocket. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he's got such a weird take on it too. He's like, I mean, what if I don't have sperm? And the man just doesn't want to have kids with me. She doesn't want to have kids with you with your sperm either. It's not your sperm. It's you. I like that scattered applause. Like, yeah. Yeah. Ding dong.

The call is coming from inside of the house, deuce. The sperm is coming from inside the house. So Paige is like, all right, everyone, I gotta take this call. I'll be right back. Paige goes, yeah, we know you're going to be back. Where should I take this call? Should I take it in my bed?

OK, Kyle. That's why I take my important calls. Why does he want to take the call where he left his last sperm? So Carl is like, just in case something happens while I'm on the call again. So Wes is like, yeah, the doctor is going to be like, I could have emailed you this.

Hey, Lex, how's it going over there? She's like, I'm good. Like, it was like a week. But I'm feeling good. She's like, oh, you know, I'm really rooting for you guys. You know, it's hard being in this house with your, uh, your, he's like trying not to say Lindsay, because she knows, like, what was that?

What was that, girl? Lindsay's just sitting there rubbing her belly like, go ahead and say what you're gonna say. Aw. Go ahead. We have a lot of history together. All I gotta say is, high five, Lex Beast. High five, Lex Beast.

Just wanted to run onto you. I'm like the good guy of the house right now. I don't have any problem with any girls. I only support women. I support you. And like, whenever you're going through with Jessie, I know it must be hard and you need to make it soft. That's one of them.

We're here to help you with that. I'm here to help you with that. I've been getting soft for about a decade now. Well, we're like really doing good, but we're like really getting to the nitty gritty of it because like last week things weren't good But then we have like a conversation And then we like had another conversation and like he was talking about how he felt but then I was talking about how I felt He's like, oh, I didn't mean to open this door. So

So that Amanda turns to Jeff they're having this whole conversation in front of each other and Amanda's like, Jesse, what was your takeaway from it? And Amanda's like, that's a great question. Here's another question. Would you ever force Lexi to have to raise bees? Have you ever wanted to suffocate your partner with the industry they're currently involved in? So Jesse's like leaning on the couch, he's like, all right, here's what I learned from the conversations I had with Lexi about that. I learned that my communication wasn't communicating right.

And Sierra just goes, she's right through the bullshit. She goes, okay, so you're not two-faced, you're not a liar, and you're not two-faced, is that the takeaway? I just, you know, I'm sorry that Sierra had to go through a very long, prolonged Austin experience, but it's made her so great. Yeah.

And Jesse's like, wait, I, I, I, Calliente. What are you trying to say, Sierra? What is it? I'm just trying to figure out what the takeaway is, because as far as I can tell, there's no takeaway happening with you right now. Yeah, I just, I could improve. I just could improve, Sierra. That's what I'm saying. I could improve. Sick.

Sick. Sick. Yeah, great. So Jesse's like, yeah, Sierra's not someone you want to have dislike you. I mean, it's pretty brutal. I mean, now I know how Wes feels. Oh! Aww. So Kyle has just had his phone call. Oh, that's feels. Oh. Aw. So, Kyle has just had his phone call. So he pops his head into the room like, who's waiting for sperm news? Wait for the news.

So, Sierra's like, are your nuts good? Is your sperm good, Kyle? He's like, all right. So he's like, all right. Like, you need 20 million sperms. And guess what? They take into account a mobility quality song syncing, like how quickly the song, BPM matching, this is called in the industry. So the minimum you want to see is 20 million and an ability to mix Stevie Nicks with Jesus Loves me. And I've got 159 million spurs!

154, I just got really excited. Sierra sums it up perfectly by saying, bitch, you fertile as fuck. Yeah, and then the doctor said, you could get someone pregnant by sneezing on them, at which point everyone runs out of the room. Yeah, and then the doctor said, you could get someone pregnant by sneezing on them, at which point everyone runs out of the room. You just hear, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr for a baby, Amanda's dying for my fucking sperm, and now I've got all this sperm, and Amanda doesn't fucking want it. It's like, I'm just realizing that when I'm ready,

she might not be, and that is something I never saw coming. Paige is like, guys, I think Kyle's having an inner monologue, so let's go outside. OK. Do we have reservations for tonight? I don't know. I don't understand why she's not ready to be a mother. Like she sees me like look what I'm doing. Look what I'm achieving.

I was drunk like a sloth last week and I've become a DJ at 45. What? Why do I feel like Kyle being ready before Amanda is is not an uncommon thing in their relationship. Amanda's been ready. It's like she waited for the bus for hours and hours and hours. The bus didn't come. Okay.

Finally, she just walked. Okay. She realized she can get to the store without you, bus. So outside we have a very important conversation that really warmed my heart because I was like, oh, thank God we have a live show this week. So Carl's like, hey, Mr. Solomon, how you doing, bud? Solomon Beast? Jesse Beast?

Do you like Jesse Beast or Solomon Beast? What about Jesse Solomon Beast? What about Jesse Beast Solomon Beast? Oh my God, it's a little hard. I'm just trying to figure it out right now. All right, boys, conversations are for the boys. All right, let's gather around. We need some men folk over here.

Put your conversation on there. All right, so guys, I'm about to sign a lease for Softbar. God's like, awesome, man, how many years? 13, 15, 20, maybe 20, maybe 20. How long has Coca-Cola been around? One in a billion years, sir. I believe the contract said till the end of time. Seven years, seven years, let's be serious.

Seven years, guys, seven years. Guy's like, wait, talk to me like I don't know commercial real estate, because actually I really don't. So worst case scenario, pie chart, percentages, bars going up and down. What is it? Numbers?

Well, yeah, there's a, don't worry, guys, there's something called a good guy clause. There's a, don't worry guys, there's something called a good guy clause. It got. When he said good guy clause, I felt like a little tiny pebble of poop just drop on the floor. No.

I was like, where is it? No. No, it's a good guy clause. So it's basically. It's like Santa Claus, but for like good guys. Good guys. Hey guys, something soft's coming down the chimney. It basically like. It's like Santa Claus, but for like good guys. Good guys. Hey guys, something soft's coming down the chimney. It's Carl.

It's Carl. It's like if Santa Claus were dating someone named Lil who's into magic, it's good guy claws. Good guy claws. Like, leases don't matter if you're a good guy. Yeah. So, doesn't work out. They're gonna be like, Carl, you're a good guy.

And I'll be like, thanks. You're a good guy too, good guy beast. So, it doesn't work out. They're gonna be like, Carl, you're a good guy. And I'll be like, thanks. You're a good guy too, good guy beast. So, bye. Yeah. Like, if the landlord's like, hey, you owe $250,000, I'll be like, yeah, but I'm like taking it slowly, just trying to figure things out. I'm a good guy.

It should be all right, so. Yeah, so you know, it's called the good guy clause. So you could have someone take it over, as long as they're a, wait for it, good guy.. So you could have someone take it over as long as they're a wait for it. Good guy. Right. No bad guys taking over leases. Or, you know, if it's like we live in a horrible world, which I couldn't imagine this happening in 2025. But, you know, if the world suddenly got terrible and we had to file for bankruptcy, you know, there's some flexibility.

There's flexibility. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, you know, I'm about to sign a one. It's going to be $10,000 a month. So, you know, I'm about to sign a when it's gonna be $10,000 a month So, you know orange juice is very popular As well the good thing about it it's it's a warehouse it's industrial there's nothing in it. Yeah, no running water There's brick there's dirt on the floor. Yeah, I said does that goat come with it. They said no that goat has been living here. Yeah Yeah, I said does that goat come with it? They said no that goat has been living here. Yeah Put it to work. It's a warehouse so you can come in have like a mindful cocktail and

Then you could like build a car or something It's 23 foot ceilings, it's amazing so it's got guys. It's got a big garage door Yeah, it's got a big that was one of his selling points, he got this huge garage door. I have this vision where if you want to get into the bar, you open the garage door and just boom, walk right in. Good guys only of course. You kind of go, all right, all right, all right, so in the financial sense, pie chart, pie chart, does it require a lot of build out?

What part of fucking warehouse in the middle of nowhere did you not hear, sir? Yes, it requires build out. It doesn't even have walls. Have you been to Williamsburg? Let me tell you what's in Williamsburg. A lot of cool, expensive shit. For Carl to get something $10,000 in Williamsburg, that is not in Williamsburg. I don't know where it is is but that is far and scary.

$10,000 a month that's actually cheap. Yeah I'm scared for Carl. Hey everyone this is the end of part one of this recap for part two. Keep an eye on your podcast feed. It is coming up in just a moment. Thanks so much for listening. Catch you on the second half. Watch What Crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison Thanks so much for listening.. Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offit. She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniela. Etchles! We never miss her call, it's Diane Call. Erin McNicholas.

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