Watch What Crappens - #288: Heather McDonald is Sorry For Being Manipulative

Episode Date: April 29, 2016

Timestamps below! Heather McDonald is in da house for some RHOBH Reunion Part 2 talk and a bit of RHONY. She also tells us about meeting Erika Jayne and does a killer LVP impression. Before we get to that, though, there’s plenty to break down at Bethenny’s party of ignoring fat people and Southern Charm’s Homewrecking Flamingo’s shindig. Enjoy! Timestamps: 0-30:35 Opening chatter and Crappens Mailbag 30:35 RHONY It’s my HOUSE 1:15:25 Clear the Flem 1:20:22 Southern Charm 1:40:45 Heather McDonald in da house! We talk RHOBH Reunion Part 2 and some more RHONY! -- Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Try Texture for free right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. That's texture.com slash crappins. It's a pleasure to watch what happens when there's so much that happens. Watch what crappens would like to thank today's premium subscriber, Cassie Badowski. We love you, Cassie.

Welcome to Watch What Crappens, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. A podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, and I'm here with the gorgeous, talented, lovely, gorgeously poured, beautifully coiffed Ben Madelka of the B-Side blog and the Banta Blinda. Hello, Ben. Thank you, Ronnie. Thank you for giving a shout out to my coiff. I've actually decided I'm going to cut it off. I'm going to go back to a buzz cut, possibly even today. Ben, didn't you just have a haircutting appointment last week? Two weeks ago. I have to get my haircut every two weeks.

Oh, Lord. I always wonder what life is like for you people with hair. So rough. I know. It is rough. It really is. But I'm just a little sick of tending to my hair. And you know what I really don't like? I have this sort of haircut that forces me to do like

at one angle in my photos because i have to show off the part otherwise if you show up the other side of the haircut it looks all like jangly and messed up which is probably an indictment on my barber but it probably is more of an indictment on my ability to style my own hair so i just i'm sick of it i'm just going back to a buzz cut trendy hair you look good with a butt cut a butt cut sorry the butt is a haircut shaved line down the middle of my head okay everybody our quick plugs tonight's our hangout you're probably missing it because this is it's probably going on when we post this but that'll be fun come to patreon.com slash watch what crappens to become a premium subscriber you get all of our bonus episodes,

our ringtones, our Google Hangout. It's really fun. It's a growing community, and we are laughing our ass off with you guys there. And also over at Facebook.com slash WatchWhatCrappens, you guys can post all your own Housewives links. You can talk about these episodes

that we're doing over there. You can do lots of things, okay? Go over there. Facebook.com slash Watch What Crappens. And if you want to find all of our links to all of these things, just go to WatchWhatCrappens.com. That's our old website. Yeah. Lots of stuff to check out.

We have a crazy exciting show today. Yeah. Miss Heather McDonald. Yes. The Juicy Scoop Podcast will be here to talk real housewives of bubbly hills i cannot wait i cannot wait to hear what she says about these women and from this reunion episode she is so funny and she's you know she's acerbic so i love that yes and we get to episode freaking 22 and it's time for a little fresh opinion in there and i can't wait to hear

who she hates i like when she hates random things i know because of her necklace and then she'll just keep it it's always tied to some thing that happened at a usc football game also yeah she's like i saw someone at kathy hilton's house what a bitch she was you know whatever well hey she's got better grounds for it than we do you know yes this uh show has really introduced us to a lot of fun people that's for sure yeah and we hope more there'll be even more fun people uh coming soon because uh as as we tweeted out earlier this week uh we were looking through the stats on this month, and we are going to cross the quarter of a million listens threshold for the first time ever, which is insane. And per month, I should add, not per episode.

But still, that is so insane. And the fact that everyone is out there and listening and subscribing and telling their friends is like the most amazing thing ever. And we really, really have to thank you guys yes thank you guys thank you thank you thomas thank you thomas and by the way i've been also trying to uh i've been trying to like uh review some board games for my blog and i'm like reaching out to board game publishers and i'm like oh i have this blog and i'm also on this podcast i'll mention the games in the podcast too where there's like you know 250 000 people that listen per month they don't give a shit i'm really pissed off i'm like give me my free board game i would imagine board game

pr people it's like a different breed yeah well i think our target people who like collecting wool all right do some research like going to mich Michael's trying to find people to play Catan. Yeah, well, because in their mind, this isn't a podcast about board games, so we don't really care about your stats on this podcast. But I'm like, listen, people always need to know about board games. Always. This is a podcast about strategy.

It's about women strategizing against each other, darling. It basically is, actually. It is sort of like one giant board game. You should pitch a board game called Manipulatives. No one really is sure what... Own it, baby! Own it!

I have five own-its! You have nothing. When you roll the die, that indicates how many times you go, I got a six. And then every time you... And then you... If you get snake eyes three times in a row, you have to go to Lisa Vanderpump Jail. But I just rolled the dice.

I had no idea it would offend you if I rolled the same dice twice three times or when you're about to lose but then somebody trumps you someone could go beast monopoly there needs to be one of those games in vegas with eileen's voice you know those slot machines like ding ding ding, ding. Beast, beast, beast. Jackpot. Every time there's a jackpot. At the park place, you beasts.

Every time there's a jackpot, Vinny will come in and take it all. Free parking. Oh, bless everybody's hearts. Okay, guys. Okay, let's do our favorite little segment in the world, Ben. Our favorite little segment in the world. Are you talking about the one and the only Krappen's mailbag? I sure am.

That's so funny because I was thinking that as soon as I get the music queued up we should totally open up the crappins mailbag was the sheep there what was the sheep there this time where did he go did you not hear the music i did i just didn't hear the end i think because i was talking over it i think you were talking and i was i was sort of doing it i wouldn't say was singing, but I was incanting some sort of tones, musical tones. No, decant. Decant. Right over it. But we have to remember, by the way, we keep forgetting to clear the phlegm. And we have to do a special clear the phlegm this week because the Bravo just had their up front and they made an announcement at the returning shows.

And now it is official. Ladies of London is coming back. It's not the same if I can't unbutton my pants on the couch. Everyone get a turkey hat. I love that show. All right. So, Krappen's mailbag. Where should we start?

So, we did the buddy cop question. Okay, how about this from Lauren Grabowski? Lauren. She, this is, by the way, she wrote this question over voice text, apparently. So, voice to text. So, it should be interesting. I'm fully appreciating Patricia in a way that I've never done so before. Can the two of you act out some sort of scene where Patricia and Luann try to class out each other? Patricia will obviously win since she's from the deep south and Luann is from Pennsylvania or something and pretends to be European.

You could even throw in a little Sonia Morgan Tremont in there. Okay, who do you want to be? I'll be Patricia. Okay okay i'll be luann i like them both i could actually be either you could you pick no it's it's fine i'll be luann i like the challenge i'm down i'm down for it okay well welcome to my flamingo party i see you're a little late i'm so sorry darling but it was because I was bringing this hula hoop over for you. Hula hoops. Well, isn't that a hula

hoot? Am I right, everybody? Look at this person. What's your name again, darling? It's Luann. It's Luann. Let me do a hula hoop demonstration. I'm going to do it over here by the eggs a la france that I also brought for you. Wonderful. This is

this hoop is actually from it's Iroquois, it's Iroquois blue from rural Connecticut. Well, I actually knew the tribe of the Iroquois. My father killed them and we turned Iroquois into turquoise, but I

wouldn't expect you to know that being from the north. So go ahead with your hoo-wah hoop. Well, darling, we simply do not kill the Iroquois where I'm from. But that's okay. You can do whatever you want. Well, they don't have Iroquois in whatever strip mall you were probably born in, darling. I'm just so glad to have you here at my party. Do whatever you're going to do with that thing. I'm just so glad to have you here at my party. Do whatever you're going to do with that thing.

How could you say that when we are three miles from the nearest Cancer Society office? How could you? How could you? My first husband built that office, actually, three days before I left him, which was four days after we got married. I was pregnant. That's neither here nor there. Look at that big, gaping hole you're holding do you know katherine i got nothing more ronnie i'm sorry i i found that very challenging it turns out luann improv is not my thing

i still have a few more sips of coffee that i need to get in me before I can get my Luann cracking. Darling, I apologize for all of those things I said. I love this week of Real Housewives of New York. Can't wait to get there. She was on fire. I'm sorry, Lauren. I feel like I did not do justice to your scene. I let down the entire Krappens community.

No, you did fine. Justice. It doesn't have to be a whole half an hour long for christ's sake i'll go into a mini series not every moment has to be funny on crappins okay it was fun also patricia doesn't really know what hua is so while we're self-critiquing yeah okay so kenneth curtis asks or says, you're given $250,000 to invest into one house size brand. Whose would you choose? There is a personal incentive of an additional $50,000 if you pimp it on HSN.

Would you accept? Ooh, that's such a good question. Who would be like Shark Tank Wales? Ooh, an existing brand? Well, this person does not have a brand. Well, she does, but she doesn't have this brand built yet. But I would do rent-a-own-it because it could be like foreclosed on properties. And she could be one of those real estate people who's like, you're renting a house? That's crazy, baby. Own it. Own it. Own it. She could be on bus benches just pointing at people. She'd be on the back of buses just pointing at you when you're sitting behind her in traffic.

Car dealerships. Own it! A new complete collapse of the housing market, led by Rinna. While she doesn't know what to do. They're like, well, we thought we had measures in place to stop this housing crisis from happening again, but this woman came around and now everyone's owning houses but then when they don't pay she'll make Kyle go over there and steal

those houses back she'll blame Wall Street for manipulating the market you manipulated you encouraged me to tell people to own houses you made me a predatory lender own it baby I would invest into I feel like I want to invest into,

I feel like I want to invest into something. Well, I mean, I, I kind of feel like I have to invest into Sonia's toaster oven. I feel like we got so close. We got a box, you know,

like we just need it. We just need that extra two 50 K just to get, get some toasters moving onto the shelves. That's, so I kind of feel like I want to invest in that. That's one of the greatest unsung heroes of the products, a toaster. Everybody tries to come up with some difficult thing. You know what?

Everybody needs a toaster. Yeah, I agree. I would also, I mean, if we were going to go outside the House House brand, I was always waiting to see what would happen with Gigi's hair extensions. Gigi's extensions. I mean, it just seemed like it was going to be a household name. Turns out there was a flood of bad weaves already in Los Angeles. Who knew?

Yeah. Gigi, it doesn't help when you're always tearing out other people's hair. It's not a good sign for your business. That's why she's doing it. She's just trying to make some dollars. Viral marketing. She pulled out other people's hair, so they have to put her hair in. People walk away bleeding with cards for Gigi's hair extensions.

Yeah, I'm like blanking on all the other entrepreneurial things. I think we have a list of entrepreneurial endeavors. I think from our last Crappies, we had a few interesting nominees. What about Jax's nascent sweater business? I would invest in that. Get a big old comfy sweater. But he only sells them, I think, in L.A. or something, like where you never need a big old comfy sweater but he only sells them i think in la or something like where you never need a big chunky sweater so stupid it would be like the second coming of

medea because wasn't medea the one who killed her like children by putting them in clothing that was poisoned or something god did she do that is that how she isn't that the snake lady the snakehead lady that's medusa oh i'm looking it up i'm looking at a head full of snakes why would you poison your children just have your head bite them um unfortunately i forget how to spell the proper media and i keep on getting tyler perry's media now i'm really embarrassed for myself he spell it differently than the regular oh yeah his is mad dia m-a-d and media is m-e-d yeah it's just sad that Tyler Perry has taken over good old classic Medea. It's pretty fitting that Tyler Perry misspelled Medea and now it's his own brand.

God damn it. He probably didn't even do that on purpose. He's probably like me. I'm going to name myself based on the snake-headed lady, Medea. And it was wrong the whole time. Yeah. So this is what apparently happens um so medea goes crazy because she was i guess she was sort of like hanging with jason who was off in search

of a golden fleece so there's a lot of you know sartorial issues issues going on here and she does kill i'm seeing something about um the girls cut their father into pieces and threw him into a pot having killed pelleas jason and Medea fled to Corinth. Okay, there's fucked up shit's happening. I read this once. Good lord. Yeah. Well, way to show them, parents.

Way to show them. So far it sounds like Bethany's story. Yeah, exactly. I think that Bethany is the Medea of Bravo. She went crazy by some guy named Jason. Then she had her dad on national TV and chopped him to bits right in front of everybody i don't even know what happens next but i'm sure we could relate it yeah i uh yeah i can't i can't find it but she killed she kills her kids medea has a party and refuses to talk

to anybody she invited she just kills them with the silence wraps them in a in a coat of poison silence feeds them jason from the pot yeah um so anyway uh okay so next question which two housewives from different from different cities would you like to interact what would their conversation be like i'd like them all to interact i would like to pull one out of the hat like you give me a housewife i thought aside from luann because my luann is not on right now i would like to see bethany interacting i think with vanderpump because you know as much as i love lisa vanderpump nobody can properly call lisa vanderpump out even when they have something really good i think in this reunion they actually had something on her or this this part of the reunion they have something really good. I think in this reunion, they actually had something on her. Or this part of the reunion.

They got something on her. But nobody could really phrase it right. And she still walked away looking, you know, like the victim. And I think Bethany would break that shit right down. Oh, yeah. She would. Well, and Lisa would be, she would be like a deer in the headlights. I mean, she sort of is a deer in the headlights anytime she's confronted confronted because she doesn't – she truly has no idea what's going on.

She doesn't know what she's done wrong. She doesn't understand the situation. And with Bethany, it would just be like a thousand hornets coming after her. What are you sitting there? You're crying? Why are you crying? What's the big deal? You're the manipulator?

You're crying? What's she crying about? Huh? Huh? You remember? Yeah remember yeah yeah she's mad because she said that she fucked some other guy on national tv like she that's why she's mad that's why you're mad right just say it just say it that's why you're mad right darling i don't i don't even understand i wasn't crying i had something in my eye if you want me to apologize for having things in my eye then i'm sorry i mean are you am i just do you accept that or you do you appreciate that i'm sorry i for having things in my eye, then I'm sorry. I mean, do you accept that? Do you appreciate that I'm sorry I have a thing in my eye, darling? I know what you're doing right now.

You're talking about eye boogers. No, this is about Eileen fucking some guy, some wife, husband, and stealing him. I mean, that's what you want to say, right? Call her a slut. Go ahead. I don't even know what a slut is. What is that? Is that a tool?

Is that like a hammer? I don't get it. I don't understand. Say it. Say it. Fine. Fine. I thought know what a slut is. What is that? Is that a tool? Is that like a hammer? I don't get it. I don't understand. Say it. Say it. Fine. I thought she was a slut, but I thought that a long time ago, and I don't think it anymore. I don't understand.

It's Yolanda. Yolanda is sick. I think she would totally get her. She'd bring up every little thing ever. She'd be like, remember that guy, Cedric? Huh? Remember that gay guy? Yeah.

How much silverware did he steal from you? Yeah. You didn't know he was doing anything wrong? What? What? His mom's a whore in Paris? I'm sure. I'm sure. You didn't know? You didn't know? You didn't do that on purpose? What'd you do? What'd you do? What'd you do? Like, I don't get it. Like, you're, like, friends with him, and then, like, you're not, and then, like, he's, like, in a phone booth? Like,

he's born in a phone booth? Like, what is that? Is it, like, a telephone? Like, you're friends with a telephone? Like, are you friends with your cell phones? Like, you have to have, like, real friends. Like, I don't get this. Like, I don't understand what's going on here. Like, I don't understand your brand. I don't understand what's going on here like i don't understand your brand i don't understand how you're friends with technology and not people and it's you don't understand how to relate to people that's it like i don't i don't get it it's like if i have to if i just described you human beings another time i'm gonna be on the floor crying right now like literally kill me now

i'm guilty okay i'm guilty she would get such a headache she'd just be like all right i did it i've done everything i'm the. She would just start confessing. I killed JFK. There. Is everyone happy? I was the one who pushed Ken into that pool. I was the one that told Brandy to put the magazines in there. I was the last one to see Russell alive, darling.

I admit it all. I killed Nicole Brown Simpson. She opens her purse. She's like, okay, here. It's Kim's house, darling. Take it back. That would be, that would actually be a very frustrating interaction. Bethany and

Lisa Vanderbilt. It would actually be the height of frustration because Bethany would just be talking at her. Lisa would be confused and we'd be sitting there with our head in our hands being like, make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. Do you know how much Ken and I have done for you? I did everything myself. Myself.

Everything. Everything. Every little thing myself. With Ken and I. Nope. Myself. I'm an opportunist, but I'm an opportunist by myself, okay? So it's like a big difference, okay?

So like you're not an opportunist by yourself. You use other people. You kill other people. Like I don't. I only kill me. I'm literally like i'm a ghost right now like literally like i'm haunting you like boo boo it's a haunted house okay i'm the ghost okay literally like ghost dad like bill cosby like literally like molest the ghosty situation okay like literally i'm over it like i literally like if bill cosby comes and haunts with me again like

i i can't like literally my wall my ghost wall is up you've've just made Jiggy lose more hair, darling. Yeah, she would find a way to be a victim in any situation probably. That's her superpower. Yes. Okay. So Emily Barry, she says, hey, guys. So it's my mom Justine's birthday. I was hoping you could give her a shout out.

It's the big 5-0. If not, we do have a question. What American Bravo show would Idina and Patsy from ABBAB fit the best on? Love you guys. Happy birthday, Justine. Happy Big 5-0. Yeah. Happy birthday, Justine Bateman. I'm just going to pretend her mom is

Justine Bateman. Justine Barry. Justine Barry. I love you, Justine Bateman. Happy birthday, darling. Patsy and Eddie, what show would they fit the best on? Probably. Million Dollar Listing? I don't know.

The best part is that they're like trash, but they're in a city of classy people. So I'm trying to think like what show would be the classiest? Because they have to wreck everything. The classiest show might be Southern Charm. Is that? Oh, that would be good. But it's so weird saying that's the classiest show, because it's not. I feel like Million Dollar Listing, New York, maybe?

I don't know. I don't really watch that show. Top Chef. Top Chef. Oh, that would be good. It's just something. I've got an hour to cook. I'm not going to cook something.

I don't fuck two rich, ugly men to be cooking things, darling. Bubbles. Get bubbles in here, darling. I'll make it. I wish I could contribute, but I've never watched Ab Fab. Yeah, we have to have a fag out weekend where I just take you to gay college and show you Ab Fab. Oh, and then we can play Settlers of Catan afterwards. But Eddie owns everything already.

It's like, it's all mine, darling. It's clear. Clear the table. All right. Clear all your game pieces, darling. All right. They're all mine. I bought them all.

All right. She owns the entire island. She's like the Mohammed of board gaming. They're all mine. I bought them all. She owns the entire island. She's like the Mohammed of board gaming. She just owns islands. Well, she does PR, so she would probably do some housewives PR. It's a toaster, darling. Alright, we're gonna put your toaster in a store and watch people use

it. Alright, darling. They just leave and get drunk in the back. No one ever sells a toaster. That would explain a lot of these shitty products never selling, bad pr even though they have the best pr because they're on tv but still so betsy md says hi dears uh what's with this trend of peripheral annoying characters james and now katherine uh who crazy themselves into number one story arc it bothers me you well uh i feel like it's actually not a trend. I feel like this has been part of Bravo

since the beginning of the modern Bravo age. So unfortunately, it's just part of the situation. But it does kind of bother me. It does bother me when people are so insufferable that they actually fail upwards. So yes, it is bothersome. It's not a trend. It's a tradition.

But it doesn't always work. I mean g tried her hardest she tried she got nowhere yeah she never became a regular but she was a regular friend of and yeah she's a regular in my heart the most famous i think who did that was brandy brandy glanville yeah i would say Brandy is probably the – because she was sort of the first one that went from being a friend to a cast member. And then other ones, Catherine Danis Calhoun, she became a cast member on Southern Charm. Vanderpump Rules has had a lot of upward mobility. I'm trying to think who else. Like other – have there been other housewives? Anyone who's been upgraded to housewife from friend of?

I'm sure there have. Oh, on Ladies of London, there was Julie with her jubbles. Yeah, Julie. She actually did not crazy herself onto being on the show. She was classy the first season. She was the one they were all aspiring to be friends with. And then she got on the show and she was the one they just stomped on the rest of the time. I suspect

that they went to her big castle and they shot that friend of stuff and they were like, oh my god, the maids are all whispering that she's gonna lose this house, and her husband's addicted to pills, and she's a fucking wreck. Look at her just trying to clean a countertop. She's going crazy. Cast her.

Yeah. And then she let it all bloom on TV. Chub balls. Chub. I believe in balls. Remember when she was trying to sell her chub balls? I will never forget it. She believes in balls. I believe in a thing called balls.

Just listen to the rhythm of the balls. Okay, last question. Oliver Haskins. Oh, dearest, dearest Oliver. Oliver Haskins. Speaking of which, oh, wait, no, this is a different Jules. Is it possible that Jules

doesn't have an eating disorder or she is just a guest of rude hostesses who never order anything kosher for her to eat? Every scene is a smorgasbord of treif, which is treif is stuff that's unkosher. At this rate, Sonia is going to organize a trip for a bacon cheeseburger tasting.

I think there is a point to be made, but Jules put out a kosher spread this week and she didn't eat. Yeah, that's not normal skinny, and I'm not a skinny shamer my goal is anorexia i just have never been able to hit it so you know bless her for being able to do it i'm not

shaming her but that girl is not just skinny someone posted a picture on the old facebook today and she looks like um a tim burton character from that that nightmare before christmas like yeah that's some anorexia but you can't tell anymore because people used to lose their hair and then they would get meth face and then they'd lose their teeth. Her hair looks thin to me. Well, now they have weaves and wigs and filler and all this other shit. So you can never tell.

They just start looking more and more like Chucky dolls. You know who else I'm actually concerned about is Danny, the side character from Southern charm. She was Shep's ex-girlfriend, and she's like the sommelier. She's this really beautiful woman, and she's looking crazy skinny this season. And I'm actually very concerned about her. Well, I don't even know who she is every time she comes on TV. I'm like, why is she on here?

But as far as Jules, I'm not afraid of Jules. That woman's obnoxious as hell, and I don't believe for one second that she keeps kosher. I don't believe it. second that she keeps kosher. I don't believe it. Well, I don't... I think she does. I think she does because that way it's fewer food options for her to have to partake in. So she has an excuse to not eat.

I think she's kosher by convenience. She's like, look, we're at a Moroccan restaurant where everybody's eating with their hands. I guess I can't eat. He's like, look, we're at a Moroccan restaurant where everybody's eating with their hands. I guess I can't eat. So I think that's it for the Krappen's Mailbag. So thanks, everyone, for submitting.

And remember, if you want to submit a question to the Krain's Mailbag, you just have to sign up at Patreon. And we post something on Patreon every week that's like, hey, write your questions. And you just leave them in comments on that post. So, Ben, the other day I was in ye olde Rite Aid getting a Snickers and some cigarettes. Because what else can you do in life? Okay. Okay. And I happened to notice the magazine rack, as one does. Snickers and some cigarettes because what else can you do in life? Okay. Okay. Okay. And I happened to notice the magazine rack as one does.

Yes. Ben, these magazine titles are all the same from like 20 years ago. Yes, that's true. Jennifer Aniston. It's like Jennifer. Is Jennifer going to get divorced? Yeah. Is Brad and Angelina get divorced?

Yeah. They even had a natalie wood story which i was cracking up yeah i saw that too well you know up in canada i'd like to add that there were several uh magazines that were featuring queen elizabeth and her birthday her 90th birthday yeah talk about stories that need to die already already oh hrh is 90 years old that's crazy her her on hey her her queen regina um so i was thinking look if i bought all these magazines that i've bought these magazines a million times because at the end of the day that shit is comforting knowing that angelina and brad are still in pain like there's something comforting as an american to know that but if i just kept

buying those that would be like 30 bucks a week just for those magazines because they're damn expensive now thankfully you guys you don't have to buy all those magazines anymore okay yep that's correct there's like a netflix but it's for magazines texter has completely reimagined magazines giving you the articles and stories you really want all in one place plus interactive features videos and recommendations just for you yes that is right when you have the texture app you can tap into the world's most popular magazines anytime anywhere using your smartphone or tablet you You can breeze through hundreds. I mean, hundreds of your favorite magazines,

including the back issues, and pick articles that interest you the most. Yeah. Texture has made it easy to find articles you care about. I don't get to just read about Angelina and Brad on the Stupid People magazine. I also get to read about them on every other magazine in the world.

To clarify, he's referring to People Magazine, not a magazine called Stupid People Magazine. Well, sometimes it's the same thing. I know. So sign up for Texture right now and gain insider access to all the content from the world's best publications. The best

part? Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash croppins. You'll gain immediate entry to all the top magazines, including back issues and bonus video content. Try Texture for free right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. Texture.com slash crappins. That's texture.com slash crappins. And Brad, dump Angelina already.

Jesus Christ, she's crazy. Crazy beautiful. Alright, so there's that. We just did some advertising. I'm feeling loony in a weird way today. I feel off. I feel off kilter.

And I'm still just waiting for this coffee to kick in. Hardcore. Well, what can I do to help, man? Just talk. Just talk. We're going to talk our way through this. We're just going to plow forward. Plow through it.

We're going to plow into the... Should we start with New York City? Yeah, let's start with New York. Yes. Okay, so as usual, during the opening, I don't know what it is about these stupid openings, but I noticed something different every time that I swear wasn't there before. This time, I mean, I've always noticed that the opening cost $5. That was my note.

Did this opening cost $5? Yes. Especially the new music. I do not like the new music that they have. I don't get it because it's not even that new. It's like the same synthesizer instruments. Yeah, it's the same sound, but it has this weird intro where it's like very low key at first. It's almost like a suspenseful note.

And then it gets into its normal sort of sound. It's almost like the bridge of the original song. Exactly. It's like they started the song at the wrong insert point like it just it sounds so strange in the beginning it's not first onto the screen the way it deserves to i don't know why i noticed this but was bethany always dancing at a dj stand with big yellow plastic glasses um i'm not sure but that sounds like a joni mitchell song oh i guess always spaz dancing

in a bathing suit? Well, you know what's funny to me is I was watching it and I was like, it's so funny that they have Luann talking about, you know, she's talking about being classy in the opening credits and they always show her in the hula hoop and I'm like, why do they have Luann with a hula hoop? Little did I realize this was the big hula hoop moment.

It's that moment. It's like in Game of Thrones and you watch it for enough years. You're like, oh, I get it now. That's like all the locations. And they're going to probably shoot in that location today. And people are like, yeah, that's how the show started, you idiot. Easter eggs. So we open at Bethany's Place in the Hamptons, okay?

Which looks beautiful. By the way, I got so nostalgic for, like, fall in the Northeast. I could feel it. I could feel the temperature and the leaves returning. And I was like, oh, I want to go back to fall in the Northeast for just a day. This was basically, like, if I had ever pictured Martha Stewart jerking off, this would be what it would be. This was like Martha Stewart's splooge.

Sort of like a runner up to her splooge because that's what Bethany was on Martha Stewart's Apprentice. She was runner up splooge. I want a big house to Martha. That's all I want. A big house to Martha. Call her. Call her.

Call her now. Invite Martha. I won't speak to her. Like literally like if I get fired from the boardroom like enough. I'll be on the floor. I'll just be like dead. Okay. Like don't fire me. Like literally fire me. Like I'm in the fire I'll be on the floor. I'll just be like dead. Okay. Like, don't,

don't fire me. Like, like literally fire me. Like I'm, I'm in the fire right now. Like I'm, I'm like, I'm basically like, like a,

like a chicken in the fire. Okay. I'm just like a roasted chicken barbecue, like barbecue, like everyone dinner served. It's me. I'll spit on a spit. Martha would just whisper and Lou Anne would be like,

I heard that Martha. So she's getting ready for this big party. And Bethany is like, this is all I want. This is all I want, a house to relax. Like, it's a relaxing house. Like, look, it's so relaxing. Like, look, there's Buddha heads over there.

Like, any day of the house, like, I want anyone to feel like any day of the house, I mean, any day of the week, just come to my house. That's what I want. Just come to my house. I'm like, oh, my God. Come and knock on my door. Come and walk on the floor. We're waiting for you. I love that Bethany has a brand called Skinny Girl.

She's accusing someone of being anorexic, yet she still has Buddha heads. And he's like the most faming eating disorder of all time. At least she's consistent. Yeah. Well, I also like the idea that she wants to ever relax because we all know that's the one thing that she cannot do. The one thing that Bethany is incapable of doing is relaxing. we all know that's the one thing that she cannot do. The one thing that Bethany is incapable of doing is relaxing. You can imagine her at a massage. They're like, okay, ma'am,

now can you just turn over onto your back? What's the matter? What's the matter? Is the table working? What's the matter? What's going on? Just relax. Just take some deep breaths. What's wrong? I'm running out of oxygen. Should I take shallow breaths? I'll take shallow breaths. We're literally going to die. We're going to suffocate

and die. Oh, my God. Why are you touching me like that your hands are so cold oh my god i can see the floor through this hole in the table why would you put a hole in the table that's crazy like i can see everything on the floor it's disgusting it's dirty it's like disgusting like i don't want to judge you i'm just saying like is your brand like dirty massage like it's disgusting do i get a handshake after like what is it what are you gonna do like literally like i like i don't get it like a table like why am i on the table like the food should be on the table like why am i the food like like i should be on the table Like why am I the food Like I get it

Like I have a brand And I have food But like I'm not actually the food Like you have to differentiate Like I don't get it with a massage Like why are you touching me Like what's happening Am I like

Are you like trying to make bread Like are you like Actually like needing me like bread Like cause I'm like low carb Like I'm skinny girl Are you needing me I was like what Are you needing me like bread

Oh dork That's some good shit You should call this massage Because you know There's a lot of ladies out there You know Are you needing me like bread? Oh, dork. That's some good shit. You should call this massage because, you know, there's a lot of ladies out there. You know, you got to say, like, I'm here for you, women. Massage, okay? Like, trademark it. Massage envy.

Like, I don't get it. Like, I don't understand massage envy. Like, what are you envying? Are you envying the massage? Are you, like, envious of someone who has the massage? Like, what are you envying? Like, why are you envying me? Like, you just do you. Like, I do me. Like, I'm getting my massage. Like, if you envying? Why do you envy me? You just do you. I do me.

I'm getting my massage. If you want to go to Marshall's, go to Marshall's. I'm at massage envy. Just call it massage. Just call it massage me. Just call it massage me. I get that. That makes sense to me.

But envy, I don't get what's envy. I'm not envious. Literally, if I have to look at what you're doing, I'm not envious. My wall is up. I just want to see me. God, as this happens with Real Housewives of New york we're only one scene in and i already want bethany to get run over by something well so anyway we go over to john and darinda who are coming in from like a morning walk somewhere and um and darinda's big thing is she just wants john

to apologize to bethany okay just back it up and apologize for what you said. She's that person who, it's just too much. Like, you're in front of a new couple. You barely know these people. It's like, you know, John, like, all I'm saying is, like, being a gentleman and apologize, John. Like, he doesn't get it. And you know how it makes me feel?

Like, you know what I mean? Like, what do you guys think? Like, John should apologize. Like, he took me from a position of power. And now I can't control things and stuff. And Jules is making jokes. And then she's crying. Oh, stupid Dorinda. She goes from like, we're going to have a fun day today, right, John?

You believe in John? I'm just nervous. I don't want to go. I'm just nervous now. I'm filled with nerves. Jesus Christ. Have a drink. I love that when Dorinda starts to cry to go. I'm just nervous now. I'm filled with nerves. Jesus Christ. Have a drink. I love that when Dorinda starts to cry,

she looks like a sad sock puppet. You know when people make a sock puppet look sad, they put their fingers over their thumb a little bit? That's what she looks like. You know what I'm saying? Make a sock puppet. Make a sock puppet with your hand. I did. I was doing it while you taught. And make it frown. Everyone at home, do this. Make your fingers frown.

And now pretend you have a sock on your hand. And you'll see that's exactly what Dorinda's face looks like. It's not an ugly thing. It's not a thing. It's not a non-judgment. It's just that's what her face looks like. It's actually kind of adorable. A sad sock puppet.

I love her zero to 20 in the emotion department. And then Jules is like, well, join? Like, she's got this. I think she's even faking her accent sometimes sometimes I can't tell if she's doing a fake exaggerated accent as a joke but she definitely has a strong

I think a Jersey accent more than a New York accent John won't admit he's raw wong but you know John will pull through he's just like a big soft teddy bear cut to one of her kids with decapitated teddy bear. I paid for that teddy bear, so we can do whatever we want to it. Yeah.

I'm like, she's like the teddy bear in Krampus that kills people. You're going to have a barbecue. Speaking of Krampus. So Bethany is setting up her skinny mules bar. I call them skinny mules. I assume that's what they're called. Just these emaciated Moscow mules at the front. So Carol shows up and she's complaining about Luann.

Bethany's all young. She's like, look at that. It's a mobile barbecue. That's sick, right? It's sick. That's so sick. It's so sick, right? It's sick, right?

And you know what? If there's any drama at my party, I'm going to be outie 5,000, okay? That's so sick. It's so sick, right? It's sick, right? And you know what? If there's any drama at my party, I'm going to be outie 5,000, okay? Because this is sick. I'm skimming through all this. Ramona shows up with her gay best friend, Hank. And then Corey Goldfob shows up from Secrets and Wives. This is the second time that Corey has popped up at a bethany event so they're apparently friends um what a good day for her to come i can't believe they wasted cory especially

when cory had an entire episode crying because someone's fat slob of a husband was being inappropriate yeah exactly same story i know i love that also that she came dressed like a witch too That was I really appreciated that This barbecue sucks Sucks This barbecue sucks My husband's outside putting down cones So people accidentally go into their butt massage The butt massage parlor

Sandy Sandy are you coming to the barbecue Alright fine that's alright Traffic over here sucks anyway. Oh, Corey. They didn't even let Corey talk. They didn't. Not at all.

But they did give her a title. They put her name up there. So I was like, look at you, Corey. You're up at, like, queen status from Real Houses of Orange County. You've made it. I like that Bethany, just a quick observation. I really like that Bethany has really decked out this house. It's a beautiful house, but still

in true Housewives fashion, has Ross Dress for Less shit all over it. There are those big, lit, stupid letters that everybody keeps buying. She's like, it's a bar. You see? Like, big, lit letters. She made them look good. She's actually, like, the example. She's the one that the Ross Dress for

Less people, like, cry for because they're like, finally someone used our stuff properly. She has that thing above her bar. Yes, look, it says yes. It says yes. That's what it says. That's what it says. That entire sentence is actually written out in big illuminated letters. Yes, it says yes.

Don't you see it says yes. It's a bar. So what? It's a huge wall. Everyone's going to go to Ross Dress for Less to find letters, but there will be none left because Bethany couldn't stop talking on her wall. Just a bunch of coupons for Skinny Girl Margaritas. So, by the way, it's funny because I did write a note saying, like, you know, I kind of want to go to this barbecue. It actually looks like a great barbecue, you know, between the barbecue and it's like fall and everyone's dressed nicely and it just looks fun. I was like, I want to go. Except it was not fun except it was that exactly that was that was what i soon learned as soon as i wrote that then the barbecue became very unfun because then dorinda and john walked

in and john's like we're entering into devil's pit here like i thought that was boutique after 10 p.m yeah no kidding john is okay so John's trying to recruit the little guy. What's his name? The new husband. Michael. Sorry for calling him little guy. I hate when people are shortest. Michael.

So he's trying to recruit Michael. He's like, oh, yeah, this bitch Bethany, huh? Am I right? I have to talk to Bethany. Am I right? He's like, just standing in the background. I'm like, hey, little one, do not follow this guy into the party and smirk behind him the whole night because Bethany will notice that and she will make your life a living hell. Oh, she will.

Bethany does not mess around. And meanwhile, Jules, she's weighing in with her own commentary. She's like, John has as much hope as bacteria in the dead sea because i'm jewish so i like to make allusions to israel he has as much chance as sushi in the dead sea she's like trying to mix japan and bethany bethany is gonna have him crying more than the wailing wall jules sucks Jules sucks She actually does suck I cannot wait to see how much she sucks

Because she already sucks this much She sucked from her first second on camera I cannot wait to see how much she sucks Yeah she has been like Such a non-entity I'm shocked she even Could even be a friend How she even got to be a full fledged housewife is beyond me.

She's like, I'll start a lot of shit. She walks in. She's like, Oh yeah, pretty place. Do you think there's anything kosher? You think there's anything kosher rabbi?

So, um, uh, then Ramona, I love, you know, I love when Ramona has all these like quote unquote witticisms that like everyone always says, you know, but since she's new to dating, she thinks she's an original.

She's like, hey, why are all the good-looking guys gay? Why is that? You ever noticed how all the good-looking guys are gay? That's crazy. What are we doing here on a, like, a Friday night? Like, this is crazy, okay? It's like a date night. I'm a single woman, okay, girls?

I date, okay? Okay, like, Saturday night is date night, okay? Like, don't you know that? Like, my mother always said, you want to always go on a date yourself because you don't want to rely on a man to take you on a date for you. By the way, Ramona,

everyone knows that you do first dates on the weeknights. Like, you don't do first dates on a Saturday night. You reserve Saturday nights for your friends unless you're going on a significant date. Well, she's going to a black tie event date. This is really weird. I'm not sure what the hell. I don't know. She doesn't know what she's doing.

I think she's just lying anyway. I'm going to the White House Correspondents Dinner. I'm going to have a date with the President of the United States of America. And there's going to be only 500 other people on the date with us, okay? I've always wanted to meet Ronald Reagan, okay? I've always wanted to meet Walter Mondale, okay?

I voted for you, okay? I'll do it every year. I kick-started your campaign, Michael Dukakis, okay? Michael Dukakis. Yeah, I got caucus. I'm going out with Michael Dukakis because it's gay night, okay? That's what you do. Cauakis, okay? Michael Dukakis. Yeah, I got caucus. I'm going out with Michael Dukakis because it's gay night, okay?

It's what you do. Caucus, kay? I love your sister Olympia, okay? She's so great. You know who I love? Mercedes Ruhl, okay? I love Mercedes Ruhl, by the way. You just changed my whole mind. I'm like, yes,

Fisher King, forever! Fisher King, forever! I just like that we kind of like, it turns sort of subtly into Ramona talking about gay guys, to Ramona going on a first date, to Ramona sort of mixing and mingling at a White House dinner, just name-dropping random politicians. And any

of this could totally happen, that's the thing. If people don't watch the show, they're like, which of these things are real? Has anyone seen Bruce Babbitt lately? Okay. Dorinda and John are already kind of drunk, and you can tell because Dorinda can't talk right.

She's saying, all I want from John is for John to go up and not do another verbiage after that. What? What are you talking about? What was that reality show where someone kept on saying verbiage over and over and over again? There was someone who was like, well, there's too much verbiage.

Oh, I mean, that's what was that. Verbiage salad. So Dorinda says hi, everybody's awkward because Bethany is literally refusing to look at John and then running away yeah bethany is is i mean give it to a luann at least the wind could put up like a front for five seconds by going up to carol and giving her a kiss on the cheek but bethany can't even fake it she's

like hi hi hi okay bye john is standing there and then bethany walks up and then like looks away from him and walks around him and then she goes to all the other girls. She's like, oh, look at this. Look, this is my house. Like, I'm uncomfortable in my own party at my house. Like, he's like a big obstruction standing there. Like, I had to walk around him. Like, I literally have to walk around.

It's like a detour. It's like a detour sign. Like, literally, like, there's a construction site in my house. And, like, I don't like construction. It's like Alex McCord all over again. Van Kampen. Like, literally, I cannot. Like, he's a big orange cone, okay, in the can't literally like i'm gonna die like i'll be in

i'm in the pool right now i'm like drowning in the pool dying in an obstruction zone i didn't buy any of those arrow lights you know like i got every letter in the book but i didn't get any of those arrow lights you know now no no one knows there's no one knows it's going to be a detour you know there's like going to be people falling all over that fat thing it's terrible you know like i'm uncomfortable it's my own house it's my house look at my house look it's my house look i'm at my house look i'm having a barbecue at my house she said my house i think 50 times during this thing i know she's like i'm uncomfortable at my house i'm gonna come to my own party well you know what how here's a way to not be uncomfortable your own party just be a gracious host and say hi to the motherfucker and he won't

bother you anymore exactly but now you've got some guy you know is unstable. And now you're poking him, poking the bear literally. And now you're making him mad. But I think that's what she's doing on purpose. I think she's trying to get him so mad that he'll explode or something in public so she could be the victim or whatever. Not that she's a fainting flower or whatever. Right. Well, what she should have done is she should have come in with a prop like Luann did with a hula hoop out of nowhere i was like i'm sorry i'm late but i brought a hula hoop i thought it'd be funny everyone's like what the fuck i was typing so fast right when she brought

that in i was like i will give her five seconds to actually start hula hooping and then boom i couldn't even finish the damn sentence and she's like look i'm doing it look i brought a hula hoop now watch me do it i'm being cool not uncool i've got a hula hoop these are all the rage i hear and carol i'm so embarrassed for her you're a grown woman leave the hula hoop at home i was like yeah i agree with you except you're dating a child and you just got a new dog named baby that you brought to the party and you rode on his bicycle like a little girl from 1972 okay and uh you play ping pong and you don't pick up the ping pong balls okay so who's the grown-up here who's the grown-up here clean your room in your room carol um but you know bethany was but you know the thing

is oh you know not bethany luann so luann then goes off to the other group, which is where John and Dorinda are. She's basically relegated to the B group, which she knows and she does not like. And she's like, well, it's like all the cool girls over there. It's like the populace, the mean girls, like not allowing anyone to sit at the table. And, you know, she was actually right. I mean, you know, Bethany and Carol

do have a popular girl clique thing going on. And the funny thing is that Bethany is even aware of it. She makes a comment about it later. I think Carol is the one who really pushes that. I think Carol is the type. She likes to be the cool girl. She's the one. Remember a few weeks ago I talked about how the cool kids

always sit on top of the table, not at the table. She's the type who would sit in the back of the bus and sit high up on the seat. She is the type. And it's all coming out again. And she's with the young guy. And I see this side of her. And I think that Luanne is totally right. And I think that

Carol is... I think Bethany is susceptible to it. If she's around someone like that and being around Carol, it's coming out of her. Because they're acting very much like... They are. But in their defense, they were sitting at a child's table. Did you notice that that table was... That's true. And it was already full. By the way,

to be fair, it was already full. It wasn't like that they went and sat someplace away. They were already sitting there when Luanne showed up. Yes, and Luanne... I love the fight with Carol and Luanne, which I guess we'll get to. I'm trying to see. She didn't even say hello. Oh, she didn't even say hello, John. Look, I can smooth this over, baby, okay?

Look, I can always gift her some free cleaning of textiles, you know, after the whole party. She's like, oh, God, John, please don't. John, stop verbiaging. Just stop with the verbiaging, John. Now the verbiage. I can't believe he actually said that, though. I don't know if he was joking or not, but I feel like he kind of wasn't. So then the popular kids are talking about how everybody else is mortified.

Bethany's like, oh, God, she seems nervous. And Carol's like, well, she hula hooped, for Christ's sake. And Bethany goes, well, at least she nailed it. I mean, that was a good hula hoop. You got to give her credit. And then Ramona's like, oh, my God, John looks embarrassed. And Bethany's like, he should be embarrassed. He's wearing a Snoopy outfit.

No, that's not Snoopy. That's Charlie Brown, okay? Okay, Charlie Brown's Snoopy. Who cares? You know, it's like some person in a terrible cartoon that can't listen to adults. Like, I don't know. Who cares? And then Carol's like, he's misshapen and sweaty.

I was like, that is so mean. I feel so bad for him. He's soapen and sweaty. I was like, that is so mean. I feel so bad for him. He's so lumpy and sweaty. Okay. Well, this is crazy. Whoa. I'm getting reminded of when I was a little girl. It was around Halloween, and I wanted to watch the Charlie Brown Great Pumpkin Special.

And Geraldine Parsons Smith came in and turned off the TV and says, no, fat girls like you don't get to look at TV shows about fat pumpkins. And I said, whoa, that's crazy. And I ran into the forest and I cried the rest of the night. And to this day, I still can't watch TV shows about pumpkins. So I'm sorry. I can't look at John right now. I'm sorry. I used to love watching Charlie Brown, okay?

And I remember, like, when the parents would say, Charlie, you know, do your laundry, they would be saying, wah, wah, wah, wah. And I thought that was so funny, okay? And so I told my dad one night during dinner, I said, why don't you talk like Charlie Brown, like his parents? And so my dad said, fuck you, you stupid idiot. I wish I never had you, okay? And then he threw spaghetti at my head, okay? It was, like, horrible.

Yeah, you know, now that I'm really doing a lot of soul-searching, because I'm really renewed now. I'm a new lady now that Mario is gone, and I'm thinking back on what may have gone wrong. And I realized that my wedding vows to Mario were just wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. So of course he left me, of course. Now I'm like Snoopy. Like I'm like Snoopy now, like flying on a doghouse in the air, and everyone's like, she's crazy. And I'm like, that's right, because I can do whatever I want.

Hi, world. You know, next time I go to the Berkshires, you know, it better be nice. Otherwise, I'm calling Snoopy, and we're going to fly off in the doghouse back to the Hamptons. Okay? Okay? Snoopy. Oh, it's my house. Why are you talking like that?

It's my house. Look at that. There we go. What's my house? Ah, let's go to the bar. It's in my house. Okay, Bethany. So now Bethany won't confront her own shit, but she's talking to the bar it's in my house bethany so now bethany bethany won't confront her

own shit but she's talking to uh dorinda luann and she's like you know what i'm gonna get you you and carol to talk yeah yeah that sounds like a good idea i'm gonna get you and carol to talk and luann typical like 50 something five-year-old she's like well if she doesn't want to talk to me i don't want to talk to her i'll tell you much. By the way, in the midst of this, John actually went and actively said hi to Bethany. He's like, hi. And she just walked away. She jumped up and ran away.

And then this is when Dorinda has another nugget of wonderful advice. She's like, hey, you have to be nice to your guests. Hey, if you invite Hitler over, you have to be nice to him. You have to be nice to Hitler. Hitler Hey, if you invite Hitler over, you have to be nice to him. You have to be nice to Hitler. Hitler puts the Jews on the fire. You pass around some ketchup so everybody can enjoy them because it's called manners, okay? That's what

you do when you invite people to your pot. Hey, you invite over Pol Pot, you gotta be nice to him. It's called Pol Pot, not Pol Pan. What does that mean? I don't know. But you be nice to him. Bethany's so rude rude she'd get mad at pole pot for smoking pot like he invited pole pot what'd you think he was gonna do

listen you got mussolini coming over you gotta serve some mussolini pasta is that kosher um so lou passes or carol carol does the same thing bethany's doing she tries to run past luann and luann's like you can't keep avoiding me forever, Carol. Actually, I can. Yeah, I can. She slithers away. I don't have time for people like that. And then you see Luann following her.

I'm sorry. I just want to tell you that I don't have time for people like you. So everyone's eating. So Carol's trying to make bethany go i love that carol and uh bethany are trying to make them go be nice to people that they're being horrible too but neither one of them will do it yeah she's like i i think you should be nice to john and bethany's like okay you know what i should throw him a bum i should throw him a bone s'mores s'mores s'mores s'mores, s'mores. It's my house. S'mores, s'mores. Moves to the fire.

And everyone's just terrified, you know? Yeah. And then Jules comes out and she's like, oh, sorry I was gone so long. I just pooped in every toilet in the house. I was trying to find your indoor swimming pool, but I couldn't find it anywhere. So, you know, I just had a lot of laxative tea. I broke the seal. I've been going in every bathroom.

So, let's see. So, Luanne finally joins the s'mores fire. And Carol is like, what are you looking at, Luanne? Yeah. Well, it's just good to see you. I haven't seen you in so long. Oh, really? Because last time you were screaming.

Well, we both were. No, it was you. Well, we both said so many terrible things. No, it was basically you. Well, I mean, it was both of us, though. No, it was you. Well, I mean, but we both have a horse in the race.

You know what I mean? No, no racing. Who brought up horses? Oh, God. Don't bring up horses. Oh, my God. I grew up next to a racetrack. Oh, God. Literally, I'm dead. I'm dead. Someone brought up a racetrack in my house. I'm dead. I'm dying. Who brought up horses? Oh, God. Don't bring up horses. Oh, my God. I grew up next to a racetrack. Oh, God. Literally, I'm dead. I'm dead. Someone brought up a racetrack in my house. I'm dead. I'm dying. Walls up. So then, you know, Luanne basically takes no accountability. And she's like, well, we both said terrible things. And Carol's like, I never. Name one thing I said. Name one thing. And Luanne's like, well, look, it's not what was said.

She's like, yeah, it, it's not what was said. She's like, yeah, it is. She rented it. Yeah. Called me a pedophile, and you made up stories about me breaking up your niece's relationship. Well, I just want to move on. Well, of course you do. It's all your fault. All right.

She's like, well, I don't want to live in the past. Luanne, just say you're sorry at the very least be like I'm really sorry for what I said I was really mad I've gotten over it own it baby own it and Carol's like just a month ago you were saying I had a ghost rider and Luann goes well look we're basically agreeing we're agreeing aren't we

and I like that Luann eventually Luann's just trying to like move forward she's like hey it's over man it's over, man. It's over. Game over, man. Game over, man. Do, do, do, man.

Okay, it's over. Do, do, do, do. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Man, you know what would make you feel better? Watching me hula hoop. All right, just sit right there. I'll do it. Oh, God. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, Alright just sit right there I'll do it Oh god Man

Man Man Man That was Zelda Oh Zelda Remember when that game was simple I think actually when you die and zelda goes man i got my niece zelda like the news out the new version and it's like okay

walk for five miles through a field and find an ocarina i was like this is not zelda that is so fun like i have such warm memories to of when i bought zelda ocarina of time in 1998 like that month december of 98 was like such a warm time as i explored the fields of hyrule and the castles and temples i saved up so many jewels and saved a princess so when you need saving give me a call carol Now, fuck off. We all killed so many monsters, Carol. No, only you did. You said I was screwing Lincoln. That made me a pedophile.

Well, he is 10 years old. So what? He chose. Listen, we all kidnapped several princesses, okay? We all did that. No, just you. If you're not sorry, you're a monster.

Listen, we all did dirty deeds for Ganon, okay? That's something we all did. And phony-ass Jules. Oh my god, I invited Luanne to my brunch? I had no idea that she didn't get along with Carol. Oh my god, this is crazy! What's gonna happen?

I must be Meshugganah! Ha ha ha ha! I must be mashugana I must be mashuganato I only know arigato That's the only Japanese word I know, okay? Mashuganato Arigato mashuganato Get it? Yes, Shecky, have a seat

So John's at the bar He's like, it's Bethany's birthday? Oh, I didn't even realize it was Bethany's birthday. Way to go, you motherfucker. He's like, hey, happy birthday. I didn't know it was your birthday. He's like, no, actually, my birthday was the day that you said I'd never find love and that I stole

skinny cows. So, great. That was a great birthday, too. Thanks for always being here. Great talk. By the way, that's the greatest birthday present bethany could have gotten like to have someone yell at her on her birthday is like her dream come true yeah she got to be a victim on her birthday it's like her favorite thing yeah the only thing that was missing was an ability to pee in a bucket on camera so in the time that this party has been going on dorinda has um sobbed smiled laughed sobbed again cried scratched

herself yeah it's like a big sock puppet situation like a lot of emotions on that sock puppet it's a restless wrist working so finally bethany after torturing her all day was like you know what i'm a good person so i'm gonna do this for dorinda i'm just gonna talk to john there i said i'm gonna go out there i'm gonna talk to john so look i'm gonna go talk to john'm going to do this for Dorinda I'm just going to talk to John there I said it I'm going to go out there I'm going to talk to John so look I'm going to go talk to John we're going to do this in my house like it's my house so I'm going to talk to John right now in my house so she pulls him aside and then destroys him he's terrified

he looks terrified he is talking such a big game of like I'm not afraid I'm not nervous and all the entire party he is shifting around and gulping and so finally he's up against the monster that is Bethany and he just he can't even he can't even

participate in this conversation because she just she just tears him down at every point even when his biggest ace in the hole is you've been telling everyone that I'm an opportunist he's like you're the biggest opportunist here well yeah I'm proud of it I'm an opportunist because I do it myself I do everything myself what do you do you clean things that's not an opportunity that's just cleaning you're the help I'm proud of it. I'm an optimist. I do it myself. I do everything myself. What do you do? You just go, you clean things.

That's not an opportunity, okay? That's just cleaning, okay? You're the help, okay? I'm sorry. Like, literally, I can't. Like, my wall is up. My wall is up. My opportunity wall is up.

She opens with you're a drunk. She's like, do you remember what happened? Like, do you remember what happened? Or did you blow too many rails? Like, what the hell? You high right now? Have you enjoyed your heroin? Like, did you do enough heroin to apologize right now?

Like, what are you going to do? Do you even see the barbecue up front? It's sick. It's sick. Did you see my sick barbecue? It's like sick in the kid's way, not in the sick, like, you're a drunk and you need help kind of a way, so you can remember what you said to me the other day, okay? He's like, I'm rude.

I was rude, and I was abrupt. I apologize. I don't care. Like, be rude. Be stupid. Be fat. Like, what do I care? What am I telling you?

Don't be fat and stupid. I don't care. Be who you want. But stupid. Be fat. Like, what do I care? What am I telling you? Don't be fat and stupid. I don't care. Be who you want. But it's not my business. Unless it's my business. Okay? And then you come in here with this big smoking gun to take me down. Remember that?

You big smoking gun? Like, what was that? He's like, that was uncalled for. I was rude. I am stupid. Jeez. Dorinda's, like, on a walkie-talkie into his earpiece. Okay, okay.

Say you're stupid. Say sorry again. Jan, Jan, say sorry. Jan, say sorry. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History?

Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more.

She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th. Or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world.

student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of academy early and ad free right now by joining wondery plus

all i said was to stop selling john is that so bad is that so bad i said stop selling john he's like you sell everything yeah i do this is the dumbest fight ever exactly but she got him because he like didn't know what he was apologizing for like she's like what are you apologizing for what's what's what's the apology for? He's like, well, for whatever I said or did that upset you, then I apologize. What is that? That's not an apology. You're doing what you're doing. I'm sorry that I care about Dorinda enough to care when you've hurt her, so I'm apologizing for standing up for the woman I love.

What do you mean? What were you standing up for? He's like, I love Dorinda, so I apologize. We're done. Get out of here. She just took him down the way Bethany does. It's funny. I sort of see why people thought it would be a good idea to give her a talk show because the way she can undress someone with her tongue.

Is that the right word? Undress? You know what I'm saying? You can say that when you take someone down. That's undress, right? Undress with your tongue sounds weird, but you're smarter than me. I'm going to deny it. I'll be like, okay, I'll say that now for the rest of the week. I better look that up because if she's undressing John with her tongue, that's really –

If they were going to give her a talk show, they should have given her a Bill O'Reilly type talk show where he's like, he invites people on and then yells at them. But they have something on where you're like, oh, you make flower arrangements? Yeah, so do I. Here's mine. What's yours? Mine are better than yours, right? Is it me? My flower arrangements are better than yours, right?

Maybe it's dress down. Maybe that's the phrase. I don't remember. It's all just getting worse and worse. Dress down. That's the phrase I don't remember And now it's all just getting worse and worse Dress down, that's it Yeah, giving you a dressing down, right? The way she undressed John With her tongue

Whoa, she sure showed him Oh no, what awful fan fiction So, no, I mean The way she can give someone a tongue lashing Is really phenomenal. And she should have had like a Maury Povich kind of show or something where she just gets like the drugs to the side and then she just tears them down. Oh, what, you said you couldn't remember? Look, here's your memory.

Come on out, memory. Liar. She does need one of those shows where she's just always pinning someone down. I like on this show how they don't wait for it. It's not like this whole storyline of passive-aggressive behavior. She's just like, you're drunk. You're an asshole. I said it.

He's like, you stole a brand. Then they yell at each other. Or Carol being like, we're not friends. You're mean to me. You're horrible to me. I don't even want to be your friend. Don't talk to me. Don't speak to me.

Go away. Exactly. I mean, Carol's in the right. By the way, as much as we're saying she's acting like a snotty popular girl, she's actually in the right. But either way, so Dorinda starts to then cry, of course. She's like,

I'm in a terrible position. I'm in a terrible position. And she starts to cry. And next thing you know, she's coming up with another strange metaphor. She's like, it's like I'm putting a circle in a square, and I'm a triangle. I'm in a triangle. It's like I'm putting a circle in a square, and I'm a triangle. But I'm a triangle. It's like it's a position because John fucked up, and I got it. But I want to build a relationship with Bethany, but also I love John.

I'm between a stick and just a big rubbery wall, like a wall place. Oh, Dorinda. I just want everyone to know that if John is the square and Bethany is the circle and she is the triangle, they have actually now made the UPN logo. I just want to put that out there. They have the ratings of it, that's for sure. It's more exciting than anything that was on there. love bethany's idea of being sweet she's like look look okay look i love dorinda so look here's what i'm gonna do okay here's what i'm gonna do

i have to put aside being repulsed by your boyfriend okay i'm gonna be the bigger woman and i'm you know what i'm gonna make nice with john so this is her making nice john hey john i like dorinda so we're good bye for dorinda we're good okay we'll drop it for dorinda he's like thanks that was nice yeah just walks away it was actually the nicest thing bethany's ever done on this show so all right so you know what okay fine you know it's like there's everyone do you like walk away from the fire pit it's smoking it's not what fire pits do okay i'm? You know what? It's a good party.

It's a good party after all. Look, the party was terrible. It's the end of the party. I feel happy it was, you know, a terrible party. I won. Yeah, all right, everybody, go home. Get out. Get out.

And then right when you think it can't get any better, they're like, next week on Real Housewives of New York. And John's like, it's bees. I'm allergic to bees. Yeah, that was amazing. And the funny part is when that bee scene happened it was a pretty minor scene they just put it in there because i wanted the audience to laugh at john so speaking of which we it's the next morning and you know the new tradition on real housewives of new york city is that there's always a hamptons episode in the beginning of the season, maybe two.

And there's also inevitably a brunch that no one wants to go to. Every single season, someone makes brunch. Like if you're on that show, do not sign up to do brunch because no one ever wants to go. And now it's Jules who, Jules wants to have us brunch and she's going to have a bagel with a schmear,

a bagel with a schmear. And by the way, this is a conversation I had on the Banter Blender a few months ago. Remember Jessica Ogilvie? She came on as a guest on this show once. Yeah. She was – we used to get bagels a lot together. And we had a whole episode talking about bagels.

And we talked about how annoying it is when people say a schmear. Because no one really says schmear. No Jews that I know say, I'll have that with a schmear. No one says that. It's like one like no jews that i know say i'll have that with a schmear like no one says that it's it's like new yorkers not going to the statue of liberty or the empire state building you know it's just it's not it's like something people say when they're like trying to be like new yorkie or jewishy so the fact that jules is sitting around be like hey we're gonna have a schmear hey everyone come over for a schmear i'm like please stop jules well i think she's probably gone to some kind of hypnotherapist or something where she even hears cream cheese.

She'll start bleeding out of her eyes. She's got to use alternate words. So the funny thing is that John was like, can I have a bagel now? I have to wait for everyone. It's like, John. Can I have a bagel before I die? And I love that typical. He's such a real housewife, John,

because he's getting attacked by bees, and he's like, I didn't bring my EpiPen. I didn't think I would have to. Like, now it's everybody else's fault that there's bees. So then, meanwhile, what I love is Carol and Bethany are driving to Jules' house, and they are being such bitches about it, like making all these underhanded comments. Like, why are we so far away?

Where are we? Are we even close? Like, this is like on the wilderness. Well, you know, you can get a lot of land for a good price here. That's what it is. Oh, look, here's her McMansion. Okay, what's that noise?

Oh, all right, it's under construction. Okay. Like so many little negs. It was like the return of Quag. Oh, man, Bethany's an evil human being and man she makes me laugh really really hard now why am i laughing so hard at her i know i should hate her and i do sometimes but god she's so funny to me yeah i know she's i mean she's like and so awful like she walks in she comes to the brunch the first thing she's like oh my god you're cool it's like it's like this is going

for seven years like that's like too much like seven years like like the earth was made in seven days like this does not take seven years like this is like too much like seven years like like the earth was made in seven days like this does not take seven years like this is too much like you're gonna lose so much money like you have to be organized like like there shouldn't be things on the floor like i did i did five houses in two months okay this is too much like literally like where's ty pennington like we need an extreme extreme house makeover right now but for my soul like literally my wall is up my wall is up and my wall is going up faster than your walls are so i have to ask you when did the show end because my last thing was but bethany saying it was my best birthday i haven't cried and then next week bees attack

john did i miss a whole section yeah you missed the last 20 minutes 20 minutes you're kidding me yeah no oh my god okay just tell me what happened i'm so mortified nothing to be fair nothing really happened wait did you get it off of like biturant or something or no i was watching it live on Okay, just tell me what happened. I'm so mortified. Nothing, to be fair, nothing really happened. Wait, did you get it off of BitTorrent or something? No, I was watching it live on Bravo. My computer did run out of batteries. Wait. You probably thought the show was over, and you probably thought that was scenes from next week,

but there were still 20 more minutes. Oh, so John getting attacked by bees was today in this show? Yeah, you were probably so confused when i was talking i was well i thought well i'll just go with it but then it kept going i was like how much of this did i miss i missed that much so i'm so embarrassed literally your wall was up you're like walls up no more episode like if i have to watch any more of this i have to watch any more on long island like i literally i'll be down i'll be down i'll be crying on the floor like don't even give me any more any more minutes to watch like i can't well they can't change the structure of these shows

like it's a terrible party the party ends and then the next episode there's another terrible party who throws two terrible parties into one episode okay so here's what happened oh so now now you're now i know why you're probably so confused about all the stuff that i was saying um so uh so okay so they get to the house they get to brunch and bethany they they give a tour of the house because you know it's under construction and bethany's like oh my god flashback to the van kempens and they flash back to when bethany visited simon and alex's house and she was so mean about the floors she's like i mean like you should have warned me that the floor was under, is under construction. Like, this is crazy, you know?

And remember she got into like all sorts of trouble about that. So it was like this, but she kept her mouth shut about that sort of, but she was kind of like, she's like, so when's it all going to be done? Cause you know, they're doing this giant pool basketball court. It looks like, and they're like, Oh, it's going to be a, it's a seven year project. And she's like seven years, seven years years seven years that's crazy you have to be organized you have to get everything organized because you know what you're gonna lose a lot of money because guess what once it's all done you're gonna have a million more problems i never even anticipated so if you think the

problems are bad now they're gonna get even worse you want to finish it as soon as possible otherwise just be a huge money pit she's like going on and on and on and on and michael of course are like offended and jules is like i'm proud of my house like i don't see anything wrong with hosting a party during a construction site stupid and then so bethany is just going in about how they should be doing their construction what sort of schedule they should be on yada yada yada and she's with carol and by the way she and carol want to leave they on their drive over they're like're like, let's stay for an hour and go. But the brunch

is only seven people. We can't just go, which is exactly what happened. Remember last season, there was that whole issue? Yes, because Bethany had the competing brunch. Exactly, with Ramona's. And they all had to leave Bethany's brunch to go to Ramona's brunch, and no one wanted to go to Ramona's brunch. So anyway,

so they're there. Then Luann shows up and, you know, kissing the cheek for Carol or whatever. And Carol's like, I want to go. I want to go. I want to go.

So then they're like, okay, we're going to go. And, oh, this is when John was tormented by the bees. The bees come and he was like dodging them. And he's like,

he's like, I'm a laurel jack. But pretty much everything you saw in the preview is everything that you saw. Everything that happened. And then Jules. I'm glad we're being nice to each other now, Carol. Did someone put this food together for you? Because Carol will steal him.

So chain him to a table or something. So then the other thing is Jules puts out all all this food but she doesn't eat any of it and bethany is like it's like am i the only one noticing this like am i not like it's a classic like you know you put out a lot of food you don't have any like this is classic like am i the only one who sees this am i crazy like literally walls up and then bethany does her over exaggerated eating i'm sure she's like look i'm eating a piece of popcorn like you see me you see me eating popcorn right look how i'm eating it popcorn that's in my mouth i'm eating a piece of popcorn. You see me eating popcorn, right? Look how I'm eating it. Popcorn.

It's in my mouth. I'm eating. I'm not anorexic. Like, she, that's the problem. So she, yeah, so she's talking about anorexia. She's like, she has a problem. And then, so then they want to leave. Bethany and Carol want to leave.

And Jules is like, I can't believe they want to leave so quickly. Like, it's so rude. But Michael's like, wait, before you leave, I want to give you a tour of the house. They're like, we're going to go on an abbreviated tour. And he takes him to the pool, and he's like, so my plan is that we're going to do a pool because we want to come here at any time of the year, and then we're thinking about doing a bar here.

We're not sure. And it was really weird because it sounded like he was pitching the construction site to Bethany. Like it's almost like after she undressed him with her tongue, you could see he was like embarrassed. And so he wanted to be like, no, no, no. Like we're doing something cool. It's actually like really cool. And Bethany's like, uh-huh, uhty's like uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh and then then like luanne joins the tour and then he shows like this other door he's like and then out this door something else and carol and bethany literally run away run through the house and out the front door and they drive off yeah they don't

even say bye what the hell yeah it was actually like pretty um it was pretty immature and then jules is like you know when people act like that you know it makes me not like them and you know i put a wall up i was like oh wall is up wall is up she's gonna be competing with bethany's walls up now this woman who's never seen the show and had no idea luann didn't like Carol. Exactly. And I should mention, by the way, that when Bethany and Carol showed up, that John opened the door for them. And Bethany's like, I mean, does John have to open the door? It's like, can I have a minute?

Can I just have a break? Like, do you have to open it? Like, I think that like, Jules should have opened the door for me. Like, this is ridiculous. Like, that John's opening the door. It's like, it's like too much. Like, I can't. Like, literally, I'm crying. Like, I'm on the floor crying.

Like, kill me right now. Like, put a dagger through my throat. Like, lady, you're the one who is like, you like too much like i can't like literally i'm crying like i'm on the floor crying like kill me right now like put a put a dagger through my throat like lady you're the one who is like you're too much it's like when princess i'm on your side but it's too much knocks on the door and then boom that's job of the hut you know like i'm thinking i'm just gonna get swallowed whole like like is that brunch what am i the schmear for lunch what what is what is that i'm the schmear this is not my house have you seen my house i have a house i have a house i have a house i have a house sorry i had to leave but that pool like what was that it was a pool it was a bar like how are you gonna fit that many letters on the wall there's like not any letters left in the

ross like pool bar house like what what does that make up your mind brand this pool brandon i'm out well that's right so that was that that was that was real houses in Housewives of New York City. And now we can move on to How lucky are you to have me teach you about me. Clear the flam. Clear the flam. I had to just throw it

in there because I was like, otherwise we're going to forget it again. Yes, I was going to forget it. I was going to forget it. I'm bringing it up she had a ridiculous one the other day let's see if i can find it so for those of you who are new to this we are going over the instagram account of caroline fleming of ladies of london yes she is um a national treasure and uh we love her um her instagram account for being just totally daffy at all times. You can tell how much I go on Instagram because right when I put

IN it says Instagram.com slash Caroline Fleming official because I don't use that. So here's a picture of her walking through London. She has like an overcoat on draped over her shoulders. She's holding up a bag. She's holding sunglasses in her hand and she's looking off to the right, to her right a bag. She's holding sunglasses in her hand, and she's looking

off to the right, to her right, as if she's distracted by something with a smile, when she's clearly just posing. And she goes, Another gorgeous day in London. Amazing how energizing the sun is! Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.

We have been up since 4.30 for these past few nights, yet all are happy and refreshed. Have a great day. Restore with the sun. Off to exciting meeting now. X space X. Hashtag new TV show.

Also, I'm sorry. Oh, there's some others. Hashtag new TV show at Thal Blanc. Hashtag tote. At Diesel. Hashtag coat. At Diesel black gold. At Celine Paris. Hashtag shoes. TV show at Thalablanque, hashtag tote, at Diesel, hashtag coat, at Diesel Black Gold, at Celine Paris, hashtag shoes, and hashtag jumper.

God, this lady can sell anything. She's selling like 20 products in one snap now. Mine is her with one of her adorable little kids and she's like, she's holding her bracelet with him.

It's like a space selfie. Someone's taking it from really high. And she's like, please help us to support hashtag maternity foundation. Hashtag Carex maternity. Hashtag. A new bracelet from Cara Jewelry as a celebration of all caps, life! By supporting and purchasing

this bracelet, we are celebrating new life, the lived life, and also the precious life. Which is totally different from the new and the lived life. Those are not precious. This bracelet is decorated with a small envelope with the word LIV, life in Danish, engraved.

It can be used as a gift for a new mother, a christening, a birthday gift, a symbol of overcoming illness, or a celebration of life. Website, website, website. A portion of the proceed goes directly to... She's still going. It's so long. Go directly to Maternity Foundation's work to reduce maternal and newborn mortality in Ethiopia.

Website again. Thank you so much for your help. X space, X space, X space. Price is approximately dkk 450 to 490 or approximately 45 to 500 hashtag yoga mat hashtag oriental rug hashtag dress jesus christ lady i have one more one last one and then we'll go on to southern charm because we have to we have to get our show on the road here so uh this is one of her walking down the same sidewalk. This is a different day. Also looking off to her right, that's her favorite pose.

And she's wearing this blue and red shirt and a blue dress. And she's holding a cookbook, which is basically a picture of herself. And she's walking down the street and she goes, Feel so bright and full of energy, even though I have slept under 10 hours in four days and nights must be a combination of this wonderful weather great sessions with true be at true be app and indulging in all my favorite things dot dot dot i believe that whatever you crave is what you need so enjoy yourself x space x at stella mcc, hashtag skirt, and hashtag top at the LeBlanc hashtag bag.

Heart, heart, and my new cookbook to give away now. X space X space X www.lindahardycroft.com. .dk What you crave is what you need. Which is why I will die of diabetes. Okay, bitch?

I crave Snickers. Have fun with your jar of homemade almond butter, Dodo Bird. Dodo Bird. What you crave is what you need. Like all the people who crave the heroin. You don't need that. You need it so badly. Clear the flame. That was a good one.

Southern charm. Southern charm. Okay, so we'll sort of go character by character but i've also got a lot of notes i'm just gonna try to weave through a bunch of it so i first of all i just like the way the show opens with thomas it's like someone walking on a street. Someone ironing. So Thomas is, he's dropping by JD's house because he's in the neighborhood. It's like, how many people are in this neighborhood? Everyone's always dropping by people's houses.

Catherine and Thomas, they probably do that to everyone. Well, I was just in the neighborhood. I was just in the neighborhood. Damn it, they're both in the neighborhood. So he drops by JD, who's like the official poster boy for good old boys of america he's like what's going on man it's morning so um we we learned this is an important thing this is important because we learned that after the uh the polo match katherine katherine calhoun dennis was so upset about Thomas not signing the lease on her house that she had to go to the hospital. Yes, because she had it fit.

So then he called and said, I'm not signing that lease. So then she had to go to the hospital. And now Thomas is like, well, I don't want to upset the baby, so I'm going to sign the lease. And JD's like, um, are you sure about that? Hey, now, I don't know a whole lot about women. One thing I do know things about is poker. And that girl seems like she's bluffing to me. And Thomas is like, well, it's a good bluff.

It is not. She goes to the hospital every five minutes every time you upset her. It's a terrible bluff. Exactly. I like Landon being bitchy later on when she's like you know people go to the hospital every day calm the fuck down yes i love bitchy landon but um but now the funny thing was the outcome of all this is that ravenel has now decided that the new enemy of the state is jennifer snowout in she's the one causing all the problems

and he is going hard hard hardcore after jennifer jd is like well katherine's in the hospital a sorry to hear that buddy it's not your fault it's jennifer's fault jennifer yeah because so for people who don't really remember Jennifer, she was on last season. She made her debut I think last season. She may have been season one, but we didn't notice her. She was Thomas' very, very good friend, and then Catherine was afraid that they had slept together. And then Jennifer was like, no, I never sleep with Thomas. So then Catherine and Jennifer became really good friends.

And then this season she's like, well, okay, I did sleep with Thomas, but whatever. I didn't know he was with Catherine. He's a liar. He is not a good friends. And then this season she's like, well, okay, I did sleep with Thomas, but whatever. I didn't know he was with Catherine. He's a liar. He is not a good person. Yeah. So now, like, Catherine and Jennifer are best friends. And I have to admit, I don't think Jennifer is the root of all the evil here.

I think that Thomas and Catherine are just totally dysfunctional, toxic people. But I do find it strange that Jennifer hangs around. Considering this situation, I think it is a little weird that she attached herself to Catherine. Well, she gets to complain about a man all day and have fun. Catherine would never be friends with her in real life. She's just desperate.

And also, she gets to be on TV. I mean, I don't get an evil vibe from Jennifer, but I do think that someone who's been on this show now two or three years, I don't get an evil vibe from Jennifer, but I do think that someone who's been on this show now two or three years, I don't know how long it's been, but two or three years, let's say even if it's two, to be filming a show and then people are like, who's that girl? And wait a second,

you were having an affair with Thomas and you're still not a regular on the show? Like, you're wasting opportunity. And so she's like, okay, great, I'll be on the show, but I don't think she knows how to do it. Well, everyone plays a role. I mean, again, what I've said about this show

before is that there's this ever-expanding universe of characters and they all are sort of all getting intermixed and intertwined. We see later on at the Flamingo Party

that there's a moment between Cooper and Patricia where he's like, I'm so sorry for hanging out with Catherine. You know, it was never, it was never to gossip or to be mean. I wasn't upset with you at all, darling.

You can talk to whoever you'd like to. Yeah. She's like, looks very low rent to me. He's kind of like a poor man's Truman Capote. Ouch. I'm not really liking him, the way he gossips about everybody. Says Queen Gossiper, by the way. Yes, the instant

he shot a scene with her, he fucked his life up with her. He did. He fucked up everything. She cut him out, and then her excuse was like, oh, well, I'm sorry, I just haven't been able to see you, because, you know, I've just been, I've had people in Mad Town, so I just have been previously engaged for so long. she's not gonna she's not gonna fight with this

queen but she's done with him she cut him off and i would like to remind this bitch what happened to all of truman capote swans you can read about it in the book the tell-all that he wrote about all of them uh completely crushing them, and it ruined his life. But this guy is similar to Truman Capote. He's like some little queen who's weaseling his way into everybody's life, and he's got everybody's secrets. So watch out over there, Patricia.

Yeah, but he doesn't have the talent. You don't need it. It's a different time, darling. You don't need to be able to write books. you don't need a book you don't need to be able to write books we have the internet now darling we have blogs that's true so meanwhile uh so as the show began after this these opening scenes then we have like this montage of this is what everyone's doing and so the update is that cameron's stomach is loud landon is cleaning something and craig can't figure out how to copy and paste on his computer. So things are tootling along

quite well. Craig thinks that the post office called the mailing center. The mailing center. That was the best. So Shep goes over to make sure that Craig fills out his bar application. Craig's like, man, should I like Velcro my photo onto the application? I'm like,

this guy should not be in charge of anyone's future. I have a glue stick and i also have velcro i'm gonna be this country's first lawyer slash hotelier slash bourbon maker does it bother you that chef gives craig so much shit but chef doesn't really do much either like congratulations you bought some dive bar with money you didn't earn like what the hell he doesn't but he doesn't need to it's weird for some reason he gets a pass because he doesn't need to it bugs me it bugs me that he's like do you know anything about the bourbon business craig he's like well lord knows we drank enough of it here's the thing chef just wants to bring craig up to a level where he can be – he wants to bring Craig up to his level. So he's like, you've got to do the work.

You've got to become wealthy. That way you can hang with me appropriately. And so I'm going to help you. You have to accept my help because otherwise I've got no one to hang out with. Exactly. I still need someone younger and hotter than me that can bring lots of pussy around. So please get your act together because I don't want poor pussy anymore. I'm getting older.

By the way, I just want to make a general note if you've noticed uh cameron's dress in the um confessionals where she wears red she actually has a settlers of katan board on her dress and i really love it i don't know if you notice that they're like these these hexagon cutouts all around her chest it's settlers of katan that make me so happy i knew i loved that girl oh cameron cameron had diarrhea and is talking about being scared of having a baby i don't care but god on this show baby scene i don't care so then um it's time for the flamingo party set up everything has to be perfect because it's gonna be photographed for patricia i'll be photographing this for my entertainment book we're gonna have a tower of rosé it's going to be photographed for Patricia's book. I'll be photographing this for my entertainment book. We're going to have a tower of rosé.

It's one of my signature things to do to make cocktail towers. I'm like, that's your signature thing to do? You are just a very bored woman. It requires a lot of mathematics. We get a whole team here from Caltech to come in and make sure it's just right. You ever see the Lexus commercial where they put a champagne tower on top of a Lexus and get wheels spinning? It's actually based on my parties. Look at that fountain.

Instead of water coming out of it, it's chocolate. That's one of my trademarks. She's like trademarking everything from every 70s wedding. Sparklers are actually one of my trademarks. I invented those once. I love that she tells the gay guy who's doing the big guy

he's doing the party for. She's like, now did we get a fortune teller that looks like a fortune teller? Yeah, which is funny because the fortune teller who showed up looked nothing like a classic fortune teller. She looked like, you know, Katy Perry meets a laid off blockbuster employee. Yeah, she looked like a homeless kind of, yeah. Katy Perry. Homeless Katy Perry.

Pretty much. So then we have a scene of Landon and Craig driving around. So this is where Jennifer calls up Craig and is like, I just want you to know that Catherine wound up in the hospital last night because Thomas was mean to her, so she started bleeding out of her vagina.

So Thomas didn't even come see her. She didn't even come at all. She was all alone. So Craig's like, oh, he's like, oh man, that's awful. And that's when Landon was like, well, a lot of people go to the hospital like fuck her or whatever so um i'm sick of being manipulated by this baby i'm gonna get my nails done but i i was happy i was like i was like good for you landon because you're right like you should say something to us at least because it is it is actually really disgusting the way that katherine uses the baby to manipulate a situation i mean it's so obvious well katherine doesn't even hide it like the next

scene is katherine and it's clown music and she's talking about it by the way the ever famous bravo clown music she's talking about almost dead baby to clown music okay well thomas upset me so much that i had to go to the hospital and the baby could have died. Ring, ring. Hello, Thomas. She's like, well, I'm signing the lease. She's like, oh, great. Thank you so much.

You know, all I need is a stable place to live. That's all. And, you know, some movers. And, you know, could I get some money for groceries? And, you know, this necklace that I really like. I really need it because the baby needs to see what jewelry looks like. She doesn't even know how gross she's being. And in a way, I agree with her.

You know, she's like, the least Thomas can do is support his baby. Like, part of it, I get. She says, actually, co-signing on this house is the least he can do for me. I'm like, wait a second. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That is not the least he can do for you. Like, the least he can do for you is making sure he gives wait a second. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That is not the least he can do for you. Like, the least he can do for you is making sure he gives you more money,

that's for sure, to support the baby. But he doesn't have to co-sign on a house for you. That's ridiculous. You have a house. You have a plantation. You even have a freaking slave cemetery there, okay? Like, you're not like in some crappy studio apartment with cockroaches crawling all over

and rats in the walls. You're living comfortably as it is right now. So don't act like you're impoverished. Don't act like he needs to keep a roof over your house when you already have a perfectly huge one that's bigger than like 85% of the country lives under. So just be quiet about that. Stop being such a spoiled brat. He should give you more money per month.

He is a shitty dad. I'll give you more money per month he should he is a shitty dad i'll give you that but don't say co-signing the house is the least he can do for you no well it gets worse because he's like well do you need help moving darling because now they're just going to do that whole we're nice to each other thing and she's thrilled that she gets what she wants but she's like i'm excited but also disturbed like next time i'll have to decapitate the baby it takes more and more every time you know i had to bleed in the hospital next time i'm gonna have to cut off a little toe i mean how do you top this like she's gonna have to come up with new shit to do every time every single time so now it's time for the party patricia tries on some really super fab

watermelon shoes and then uh th then Thomas has this new friend that looks like a creepy Orlando Bloom type. And he's trying to set her up with Landon. And Landon comes to Thomas' house in a golf cart before the party. And he's like, Landon, I'd like to introduce you to a creepy mouse face over here. And she's like,

nice to meet you. And she sort of like disappears back into the shadows. there was some creepy extra work going on here there was this homeless guy the homeless uh the homeless chick reading the cards i'm like do you guys have any budget is there anybody in this town who doesn't look like you just dragged them in off the street i know and then they go to the party and craig you know craig always tries so hard to be trendy I love how he thinks he's such a fashionista like he shows up with this crazy pink and black

gingham shirt with a bow tie undone and this like casual like chic accessory way and he he brings this enormous martini glass from Naomi and he gives it to um to patricia he's like well naomi couldn't make it so this is from her and patricia's like oh isn't this nice it doesn't fit in with my 18th century chelsea porcelain but i'm sure i'll find a place for it somewhere but it is plastic and transparent so gaudy that it can't fit in somewhere it's like lady you're acting like you're classy you're in a fucking flamingo party in a caftan with your 50 year old child trying to bone children and then you have jd over there he's sipping one of the cocktails the pink cocktail he's like tasty but i'm ready for a boob and nothing will disturb me more than shep dating this who is this girl that Shep brings

to the party? She's four feet tall and she looks like she's ten. Who is that? I don't know, but I liked how all the women were like, who is this trashy girl? She looks like a child. He's gonna get in trouble for child porn. I get that they date younger. I get it. But this girl

is too young. Too young. Too young. Too young. too young too young so then shep jumps into the pool that was like ridiculous and um and i loved how like she was patricia was getting her fortune read so she got splashed on and she's like ha ha ha ha what a fun party but you know inside she was like all right ship is off the list for future engagements yeah totally well it's always funny to her when it's a man who's doing it like thomas you know knocking some woman up not paying his child support for years not giving a shit about the baby that's all fine like that's fine with her she loves it those men

are crazy but any woman she like takes them down to the nails you know yeah well i think that she holds them up to her standards to be honest i. I think it's a case, you know, Cooper later on was like, well, she sees and casts in what she used to be, which may have a grain of truth to it. But I think really what it is is that Patricia sort of thinks that women should act a certain way. And when they don't act a way, the way she sees that she lives her life, then she thinks they're trash, which is why she's trash. That's the thing. I think it's that self- thing like within communities you know we've talked about it a zillion times and i think she's got whole self-hatred it's like she sees this young lady doing everything that she did you think she wasn't getting herself pregnant with rich guys to get their money please like

that's how she's built her empire what the hell has she ever done yeah that's true so then um thomas uh finds out that jennifer has been telling people uh that he didn't go visit katherine and thomas is like i went there i was there for two hours so now thomas is all mad and while he's mad uh oh i forgot to mention at one point there was this other girl that chef was interested in and landon i love this landon is such a like a southern underminer she goes this to this woman that Shep is about to bone and she's like, I think he's met out with every single one of my friends

at this point. You're so undermining. But then also admitted that she's kind of got a place mark on Shep. I always do admit, I always do wonder what it would be like if we ended up together, but he's not ready yet. So she's definitely holding that um i don't know why this jumped out at me i've never noticed

this but when thomas was going off about jennifer to all the guys he's like well of course this is all snowden's work craig's like yeah snowden called me and said you didn't go to the hospital like it's icky weeks you know yeah exactly all jennifer causing all this shit they're gonna track her down from country to country it's not that the country's doing all this shit it's that someone's talking about it and it's funny because you know now that her face looks totally different she's really following in snowden's footsteps she'll be a whole different gender soon so um so then speaking of which jennifer shows up and she has like this flamingo headband and the people at the party the greeters at the party are like, oh, we love your headband.

She's like, oh, thank you. I had to drive with my head to the side. And I was watching with my friend Neil, and I was like, why didn't you just take it off in the car? Why were you driving with the head to your side with a headband on? I didn't think that far ahead. Also, they showed her putting it on in the daytime. And then she showed up like two hours after the party. Like, where was she going with that thing on her head?

I know. So then Thomas confronts Jennifer about the lies. And he kind of busts her. He's like, he's like you you went and said like you went and told craig that i didn't show up i was there for two hours no i never said that you didn't come i just said you didn't stay overnight that's all but then when they cut to the conversation craig was like well why was she so upset she said well it's just that thomas isn't there and then yeah. So she really didn't say.

Yeah, it goes both ways. She didn't really say he never came. Yeah, I agree. But it was funny because Thomas heard it wrong, and then she changed her story anyway on top of the story that would have exonerated. Either way. Either way, though. But she did allude.

I will say that semantically she said Thomas isn't there, but the implication is that thomas didn't ever come and uh so that's a little that is shady she is the shadier of the two so you get into a big fight she's like thomas thomas thomas now you're getting it wrong now no and he gets mad and then he goes over to the bar and he's like i'll have a water and neil my friend was like that was the one choice he's one wise choice he's ever made in his life ordering a glass of water and then of course he's got whitney behind him like no get him a drink yeah jd's like how about some bourbon he's just yelled at a woman at a party ah so tacky

and then he's like get her out of your house and And then so Patricia goes up. She's like, what are you doing, tattletaling? You calling in a report, honey? She brings Michael over, and she opens the front door. She's like, we got a spy on our mist, Michael. Patricia's, like, loving it. I love also Jennifer on the phone is like, Thomas is spitting vitriol at the top of his stupid lungs. Stupid, stupid lungs. Yes, of course, Jennifer immediately whips out her phone.

And Thomas is like, you see, that's going to set her. That could kill my baby. What she's doing right now, she'll kill the baby. Get her out of here. That's a homewrecker you got right there. It's like, you never had a home, you asshole. You never married this girl in the first place. You knocked up some teenager and left her. no one wrecked your home you asshole it was like a

wreck wrecker she just wrecked the rack more yeah a wreck wrecker i love that he's trying to make it like it's jennifer's fault for saying anything but it's not thomas's fault for saying okay now i won't sign your lease because you made me mad fucking people it's all fucked up so anyway a really fun episode of southern charm i really do love this show even if we went through a little faster uh it's mainly because we have a big show today um but i do really love southern charm um and i'm excited to now get into beverly hills we're gonna do there's gonna be like a moment because we're going to transform we're going to move from talking over Skype to talking in person

Oh, we're going to have to see each other in real life, shall we? Here I come. We're having a scene change in the middle of the podcast. Consider the scene changed Now, we're at the Hollywood Improv with the lovely and hilarious Heather MacDonald

Here we are with Heather. Heather MacDonald, thank you so much for coming back onto our crazy podcast. Oh, my God. People love it. I was just telling you that there was this guy who's really smart and is working with me now, Oscar, because he'll probably listen to this because he listens to this. Hi, Oscar. And he said, I never watched Chelsea lately.

I listened to Watch What Crappens. I heard you on the show. I thought you were funny. So I started listening to Juicy Scoop with Heather MacDonald. And so look at that. That's amazing. Look at how the world works. It's crazy.

Talking crap on podcasts and making friends. I invited my friend Neil to come and sit on the couch during this because he's like a huge Heather MacDonald fan. Oh, my God. I love Heather MacDonald. Yeah. He's a little shy, which is funny. He's a big HMF, Heather MacDonald fan. Oh, wow.

Hashtag. Hashtag HMF. I like that your group is called Humpf. Humpf. Humpf. Oh, my God. So excited to have you here. This is a way we actually get to Talk to people

That we really like It's really I mean you know what That is what's great too About having my podcast too Because I'll See my friends That are actors

And comedians And reality stars Anyone I'm friends with I know I'm Going to get to visit with them You know So it's kind of great I never get to see you

In real life In real life I'll see you at Pump For a drink Guess where I'm going Saturday Going to Pump No I'm get to see you in real life. In real life, I'll see you at Pump for a drink or something. Guess where I'm going Saturday. Going to Pump? No.

I'm going to Heather and Terry Dubrow's book party. Whoa. Where's that? Oh my God. Ronnie did claw hands. Have we seen you since we came up with our claw hand theory? No. Why?

Which is that when Heather talks, she makes little crab claw hands. She goes like this. She does. You're right. She's like, that's not appropriate. That's funny. That's really funny. You have to speak more relatably to Tamara.

You know what I hate? I had a friend that I just called her on it, and she was telling a story. She goes, and then this one writes, and she does her thumbs. I'm like, first of all, no one texts like that with these two big thumbs. And I'm like, you don't have to do that is like that with these two big thumbs. And I'm like, you don't have to do that. Are you going to say, and then they wrote an email

and you're typing. I'm like, what is with it? Like, we got it. Just tell me what it said. I always do crazy email fingers when I'm saying, and then I emailed, they go like,

this is if I'm playing mad piano. That's how I type. See, I'm old enough that I actually took a typing class so I can do it like, like a real typist. Oh, I can't do it on my phone. They don't teach the kids that anymore. They don't teach anybody that anymore. took a typing class. So I can do it like a real typist. Oh, I can't do it on my phone. They don't teach the kids that anymore.

They don't teach anybody that anymore. I took typing class. I taught myself that shit on the internet, y'all, how to type. I'm very fast. Mavis Beacon. But did you really do it where you do the Q, U, whatever it is? But I didn't do the numbers lesson. And still like 20 years later, I can't do the numbers.

Oh, I don't do the numbers. Yeah, numbers are hard. Let's talk about something more interesting. All right, go. Thanks for coming. Wait, so where's the book party it's at some restaurant in costa mason i can't remember what it is and that'll be fun and then um tell them we say hi i did just go to pump a couple weeks ago because my friend maya dryer is a huge fan of anything Pump related. Yeah.

So I just said, she lives in the Bay Area. And I said, all right, we'll just rock it out. We'll go to Pump for dinner. And we'll go to, what the hell's the other one? Sir for drinks before. It's a good combo. And it was pretty good because Rachel Zoe and Nicole Richie were also there. Whoa.

And Katie from Vanderpump Rules was sitting next to us. Three fashionistas. I mean, it was like my friend was dying. And then we go over to Pump. Uh-huh. And Jiggy is there. Of course. With Ken and Lisa.

Always. And so. Do you get to say hi to Lisa? Are you friends with her? Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Do you get to say hi?

Well, I mean, I don't know. I like Lisa and Ken. I've had dinner with Lisa and Ken at the same table. So jealous. I'm so jealous. No, that's what the Beverly Hills. You just don't fuck with LVP. Thank you.

You don't. Thank you. If you're going to fuck with somebody, bring them down. If you're going to go after somebody, have something real. What are you coming at her with? First of all, let's talk about Eileen. Do you want to talk about yes okay eileen being mad the entire season that she asked her about how she and her husband got together yes okay and basically everybody but ldp has broken the fourth fucking wall and bravo and evolution should be pissed at them because

they're basically like you told me you wanted a storyline. You set it off camera. Like everything. We're like, wait, why? Why are you ruining it for middle America? Like we know, but you're ruining it for everybody. And LVP sitting back there going, why are they doing this? So like this is the thing.

Okay. So if you're two people and you're not on a reality show and cameras aren't there, and I'm with this girl who I've known for a year, and she's been happily married for 15 years, as Eileen was, and we've had a few drinks, Heather McDonald absolutely is going to ask, how did it happen? When did you know you were done with your second husband and ready for the third? Did you keep it a secret?

I would ask all those things. But she was so tricky because Lisa started it. She was like, darling, you've been married three times. Wait a second, though. When did the affair start? But however, Eileen is maintaining that out of nowhere, Lisa Vanderpump brings up the affair. But when they showed that clip package on the reunion this week, you see that Eileen was saying, well, I've had three husbands, and da-da-da-da,

and then that's when Lisa was like, oh, and then when did the affair start, or whatever. So it wasn't really out of nowhere. Eileen was talking about it. But it's all Eileen being pissed, like, how could you say that on a camera? Exactly. Without saying on camera.

And it's like, well, I'm sorry, I've known you for a year and a half, and we're having drinks. Really? I'm not allowed to ask? Like, why are you ashamed of it? Obviously you've been married for 15 years. It produced a child. Why would you be ashamed that you fell in love with the love of your life?

What's wrong with having the affair? The affair worked out in your favor. It was liberating. It was liberating. That guy's like some gambling addict alcoholic. Shut up. He's a Van Patten. Still, I mean, she's a tennis pro director.

She's got a faux kitchen, darling. Pro poker player producer. Oh, my God, you mean the faux paint? Yes. Oh, my God, remember when everybody wanted faux paint? And remember, like, every housewife, I mean, was like, back in my day, there was like, that was always, like, someone's thing that they could do.

Did you know that my wife can faux paint your kitchen? Like, everybody was into faux painting. It was sponge painting and then it was called faux. Way to twist it. Eileen is really annoyed me this season. She kept bringing up

what? I was going to say if you ever watch Law and Order if you bring it into evidence then they can question you about it. Eileen was the one who was like, my divorce. I mean, does anyone have a good wife in their house? Yeah, right. But it's always like, and then she's just like, you know, it really hurt me. Oh, and talk about wanting some stage time, Eileen.

Eileen. I'd just like to say that last time we were all on a trip and we were filming, before Lisa ran a throat through a wine glass and cracked it, I was going to tell you guys that I was abused. And it's been nine months since then, but the cameras weren't on. So I'd like to take this

moment to say I was abused. I'd like to start my season-long story right now, please. With that I'm abused. I was abused by a boyfriend before husband one, two, and three. And it's really traumatized me so much that I've been able to fall in love three other times. So for that reason, I'd like to – could you not interrupt me? I was about to tell you that I was abused.

And then silence. It was so awkward. Everyone's like, so sorry. So anyway, about the tortilla soup. Love the recipe. It's like, why would you bring that up right now? And that was one of the things in the fight last night. Because Eileen and Rinna, neither one of them can keep their story straight. They don't know what they're fighting about.

They don't remember why they're mad anymore. And Eileen's like, I'm mad. And Lisa's like, I said sorry about the affair. It's not that you said the word affair. Since when? It's been about the word affair. Now it's like, I said sorry about the affair. It's not that you said the word affair. Since when? It's been about the word affair. Now it's that she was dismissive. I'm sorry I was dismissive.

I'm sorry I said the wrong thing. I'm sorry that I blinked twice. And then Eileen's like, well, it's not that you said the wrong thing. It's that you're manipulative. And so then Lisa's like, every time Lisa wants to apologize for something, Eileen's like, it's not about that. It's about this. You know, she changes the story.

If I was a Savannah Pumper, I'd be like, really? I'm manipulative? Well, why don't you fucking thank my manipulative ass for giving you some credibility and some money in your pocket with your faux painted house in Malibu for the last two years? Because if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have had any storylines this year. Pretty much. Exactly.

No one wants to see you clean out your mother's house in Oregon. No one cares. Like, I mean, I like this. Or throw your sister's ashes off the fucking balcony of a hotel. Oh, my God. So it's like, look, no matter what, you know, when Real Housewives started in OC, they weren't rich. It wasn't about their interpersonal relationships. It was about, like, following five different lives.

And there was a lot of sadness to it. The whole thing was sad. A lot of sky talks and sadness and going to court and trying to get your money from your second husband or third husband. And it'll never go back to that. So for them to try to act like it will, it is about you guys not getting along and fighting. And talking behind each other's back. So just don't act like it's not. Also, the thing that really bothered me with Eileen

was that she didn't realize she was holding Lisa to a double standard. There were, I think, two points where that happened. One was Eileen was saying that when Lisa... The reason why she brought up this whole thing to Lisa two days later was she was so taken aback, you know, that she didn't know how to respond. Right. And so then Lisa was like, well, the reason why I apologized the way I did was because I was taken aback. And somehow it was like, okay for Eileen to be taken aback, which I give her that. I'll let her have a moment. Yeah.

But it's like, but for Lisa's not allowed to be taken back. I did I give her that. I'll let her have a moment. Yeah, but it's like, but for Lisa's not allowed to be taken aback, I did not like that. I found that that was wrong. Also, I feel like, you know, that Lisa Vanderpump

probably would not have pestered her with questions about the affair if Eileen looked more upset. She seemed like she was visibly upset about it because, you know, later on in the episode when Vanderpump, when they're asking her about, oh, she was abused, and then Andy's like, oh, so tell us about the abuse. How was that?

How was that? And, like, Vanderpump looks like she's falling apart, you know? And then everyone's like, oh, don't ask. Don't ask. Because, you know, no one's going to ask questions if you can see it's a real like if it's your you're opening up a big wound but eileen did not look like she was opening up a big wound so i think vanderpump that was okay because i'm like i want juicy scoop all the time hence my podcast juicy scoop with emery yes and the only way you're gonna get that is asking questions yeah and so if you're supposed to be

on this show where you're supposed to pretend that the cameras aren't there in this situation that is very much lisa vanderpump's character and so if she's she is doing what she's supposed to be doing right to get her job she is having an interesting conversation happen why there's a guy with a big heavy camera sweating in cargo shorts this has been a fucking boring ass night they're getting getting in their ear, like, lock it up. We're going to wrap it. Just fuck it. And Eileen was doing that phony shit that people do when she's like, I don't understand people

who have nasty divorces. I mean, you've raised these babies together. How could you be nasty? What did she say that? That's what started it, because Lisa Renna was like, talk of the town, guys. I have to get it off my chest. Two of our friends are going through a nasty divorce. And Lisa was like, oh, it's a terrible, nasty divorce.

And Eileen was like, why are people so nasty? I mean, you raise babies. The least you could do is be nice after a divorce. And Vanderpump was like, oh, you've been divorced, darling. And then it turns into this whole thing where Eileen's trying to play this, you know, like, why isn't everybody nice? You stole your last husband. Of course you want to be nice. Yeah.

You know? Yeah, exactly. I just, you know, I've said it before that those women were drinking all day at that Hamptons event. And I think that Vanderpump was just like, so tell us about the affair. I think she's probably being a little nosy. But it's also like her friend. And there's nothing really inherently wrong by saying tell us about the affair because there was an affair. I mean, what else was she supposed to say?

Yeah, and my point is that, like, and the affair is meant to be if you're still together. Exactly. Like, if you're still together. It's a love affair. If you had the affair, like, in the movie Unfaithful, my favorite movie, she has an affair. Do you ever see that movie?

Oh, yeah. She has an affair. She's fucking her brains out with a guy who collects books. And then she sees him in a bookstore flirting with another girl. She loses her mind. They have the best sex scene ever where he just pulls down her ugly mom jeans and fucks her in the hallway. And then her life's distraught. She burned the chicken.

Her kid is, you know, peeing in the bed. She doesn't know what to do. And then she decides it's over with. Well, too late. Richard Gere goes over and murders him. So now her life is really fucked up. So now if you were to ask her, tell me about the affair, she would have said it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Right.

And I don't want to talk about it. But the affair that resulted in the love of my life of 15 years. Yeah. You just go go you know what happened we i was in a loveless marriage so was he started to work together one thing led to another yes we wish we didn't start until we were both divorced but we did right that's it like and of course it still ends terribly it's like and now i owe money to all these indian casinos and they're going to break my kneecap. Morongo's coming after her. Unfaithful ends with Morongo with a baseball bat.

Can we talk about Lisa Rinna? Yeah, what do you want to talk about? I'll say anything. You know what? Let's talk about it. Own it, Lisa. Just freaking own it. I got to walk over here for a minute.

Just a minute. Just a minute. Okay, I'm back. I'm back. You know what? I'm over it. My sister died, okay? And then Yolanda, well, if your sister died, then why are you no sensitive?

Why? It was a human being suffering. Shut up, Yolanda. So here's the thing. Here's what really got me annoyed with this episode of The Reunion, that Rinna is just going after Vanderpump. Just going. And I like Rinna. I like her so much.

But she is just on. Thank you. I like you, too. Own it. So she's going after Vanderpump. Going. And she has this ridiculous thing where, like, you encouraged me to say those things. And he's just like, I didn't say a thing.

Well, you know, you didn't have to say a thing. It's just, it's such bullshit. And then later on, when they're talking about Kim Richards, it's like, well, what about the things that you said, Rinna? And she's like, oh, I said a few things, whatever. It's in the past. I'm moving forward. And rage is just a word. Okay, baby.

Just a word. And rage is just a word. And rage is just a word, okay, baby? Just a word. And rage is just a word. And first of all, people, the reunion, eight hours while your spray tan melts on a couch, is not to move on. It's to rehash everything. Everything.

So you cannot say, let's move on. Well, especially, you can't like- Until the very end, until you take the group photo with Andy at midnight. Exactly. Here's a woman who just tore down her friendship with Lisa Vanderpump, the queen of the show, the queen of Bravo. Right. She is causing this massive thing over an implication about a manipulation, about taking down the Munchausen, blah, blah, blah, blah. Munchausen.

What is the word? She's holding her to the fire. I know. I don't know what this is. I don't even know this word. Was it Oz? I don't understand. She said, I tried to murder my babies once.

But then when Lisa Rinna, when they come for Lisa Rinna in the small church, oh, whatever. It's just a word we said. I'm moving forward. Not only that, you just brought up that she totally got caught because the last episode ended with Lisa Rinna going, you called me and told me to say Munchhausen. There. I did it. I did it. I said it. I did it. I have the records. You called me, Lisa Vanderpump.

That's so funny. And you said, bring up the Munchhausens tomorrow. And I said, great idea. And then this one, Lisa. The producers are going to freaking love us. I'm in for a third season. I never said Munchhaus freaking love us. She said, I never said the word. I'm in for a third season.

I never said Munchausen, darling. She said, you didn't have to say it. Lisa, do you even remember yourself? You just shot this an hour ago. You're losing so much credibility. For you to say that Lisa Vanderpump just implied you enough to make you say these things, it's just so ridiculous. Hi, Lisa. It's the other Lisa.

How are you, darling? You know what you were talking about the other night at your birthday party? You know, when Yolanda looks so terrible. I mean, really. They pay for makeup, really. Why can't you just put on some makeup? It's really, I lost my appetite. But anyway, quite honestly,

you should do that when we go over to Kyle's. Who do they go? Oh, they come over to my that. When we go over to Kyle's. Who do they go? They come over to my house. When you come over to my house, you know, then just go, you know, I want to talk about, you know, what I've heard from other people. And then we'll have something to work on this season. Okay. All right. You know what?

Because I am annoyed. I follow her on Instagram and I am annoyed. It annoys me. Like Lisa Vanderpump. I mean, Lisa Renna has Instagram disease. Yeah, she does. Well, she does. And a lot of people suffer.

Insta-rage is what it is. When you follow people. Too much. And it makes you jealous. Yeah, it's my life. And you have to stop following them. Well, Yolanda's Insta is crazy. It is crazy.

But by the way, as you're doing this impersonation, I'm just realizing something. If Lisa Vanderpump did tell Lisa Rinna, hey, tomorrow, talk about Munchausen's at my place and we'll all pile on or something like that. And she does it and they don't pile on. Wouldn't she be mad from the get-go? Why would she wait months and months down through the season for a baby? Wait a second. I was manipulated.

Like, why did she wait so long? You know why You know why Why Because I thought at one point They were going to agree with me But they didn't They left me out there You have the little crack in your voice Yeah

They left me out there They left me out there You know in the sea Floating away With only my lips As a flotation device You know And you know

Harry Hamlin said, you go there, Lisa Rinna. I just love, like, what if they just talk to each other all the time? Harry Hamlin, it's Lisa Rinna. Like, no. And then, so I think,

I think she started to see what was happening with social media. And then she was just like, fuck, you know. I think all her wires got crossed. Because in the beginning, people were like, I think she's got Munchausen too.

And then as you watch the season, you're like, no, she definitely has something. It might not be the best route she's taking. It might be a little exaggerated, a little zing, but this disease does exist. And, you know, if you tweet anything but, like, go Limeys, they come after you and, like, want to fucking murder. They're worse than the beehive. Yes, they are.

So, like, you cannot say anything but this is the worst disease that has ever happened to anyone. Forget about, you know, Parkinson's. It's Lyme all the way. And if you say anything less than that, they want to kill you. So we're all watching. We're all learning as Lisa Renna did. Yeah. But it's okay to question.

It's okay to question. So they weren't questioning it, but in the end, she looked bad. That's why. Exactly. But you know what, though? Yolanda is a piece of shit at this reunion, if you ask me. First of all, this episode opens up with her running off to Andy Cohen's dressing room. She's crying.

And the best part is that Daisy is next to her crying, too. You know that Daisy is a self-proclaimed former high-class hooker, right? Yeah, high-class nurse. Yeah. So she's sitting there crying. But Yolanda, she comes back and everything. And for all this talk about Lisa Vanderpump being the biggest manipulator, I mean, it's obviously Yolanda. At one point, they're all crowded around her with their hands on her, and she's sobbing.

It's obviously Yolanda. At one point, they're all crowded around her with their hands on her and she's sobbing. And she is at that moment the queen of the reunion. And how no one can see how she's manipulated this entire situation is ridiculous. And also, what was crazy was this whole scandal about what did Lisa say about my children, et cetera, et cetera. She says on this reunion, oh, yeah, I called up Muhammad the next day and he told me that he told lisa that the kids were fine so she just like raked lisa vanderpump over the calls like why would you say this why are you saying these things about like when she just said what muhammad had said and got confirmation well yeah muhammad told me you know he said they were fine lisa's like yes that's what

i said he said they were fine because he didn't want me to know she's trying to smooth it over she's like i understand why you would do it. And Yolanda's like, yes, but he's no longer your friend. Is this right? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yolanda, these idiots keep admitting things and then, like, forgetting the next second they admit it. Exactly.

Thank God for Kyle Richards, who finally said, I don't think it's a wrong. Why is it wrong for me to ask, how are the kids doing? But I already told you. But it's like, why can't I ask again? How are the kids? I heard the kids have Lyme. She's right. Why is it so bad just to ask?

Kyle was running around like, what did Mohammed say about the kids? What did Mohammed say? She was. What did Mohammed say? She was. What did Mohammed say? Trying to get Lisa Vanderpump in trouble. She was.

But it's still, even with her trying to poke around, it still was not the biggest offense to humanity or to those children. I'm sorry. Do we all believe that Bella and Anwar have Lyme? No. I don't know. Not at all. I don't know.

So you're not afraid of the Lyme that's coming after you. Fuck that, because it's not Lyme. It's chronic Lyme, which is different. It's a totally different thing. So you think Yolanda has chronic Lyme, No, I don't think she has Lyme. Yolanda, I watched that Dr. Oz. Yolanda's been hospitalized five times over her life for exhaustion. And it's always some new mystery thing.

Chronic Lyme, you don't have like a normal Lyme test. Did Dr. Oz do a thing about Yolanda? She was on there. Oh, yeah. It's cuckoo bird. You have to watch it. And what did he say to her? Basically, he has a stack of her medical records and he's going through it the thing

that got me the most other than her lying over and over because you catch stuff she says from the show that's all bullshit yeah i mean when she says i i've had it for four years four years the show started four years ago well he said you've been hospitalized all these times with exhaustion she's like well no one time was the borealis of the blah blah which she broke her back when she one was she broke her back when she gave birth. One was she broke her back in three places, but there's pictures of her on a beach with her newborn baby. Like, she's just cuckoo.

And she told a story about how her mom, he said, well, your mom was always hospitalized for exhaustion too. And she said, yes, she was in bed five days a week with the windows drawn. We couldn't go in there. And now her kids have this chronic exhaustion that bella's like i can't even model but bella is modeling every single day she's like but i should be bigger but i just can't get out of bed so i can bella's not saying that she just said it and really and she did yeah some blog i mean i mean i thought it was quoting her here's the here's the thing i don't know

whether or not they have lyme disease or whatever it is, but Yolanda's stories just do not add up anymore, so it's just hard to give credibility to anything she says. And, you know, I've said it before, it's sort of a cynical view to take, but, you know, in the Northeast, a lot of people get Lyme disease all the time, and this does not take away from the fact that it's a terrible thing to get, and it's awful, but it's like, oh, my daughter has Lyme disease. What a tragedy. It's like, well, you know, like a lot of people get Lyme disease what a tragedy it's like well you know like a

lot of people get Lyme disease and they take antibiotics you know it's not Lyme people from the east all say the same thing and and they've also said that you know there are so few people in California that can contract Lyme disease that if Yolanda Bella and Anwar had it they would be about like five percent of all the people in California that have Lyme disease is all in this one family so it's kind of like well chronic Lyme is the name of a disease that it's an umbrella

over a bunch of unexplained things like fibromyalgia type stuff where people are exhausted they don't know why they don't have cures for anything and it's like an umbrella for all these different things so people who say they have chronic Lyme a lot of those people are really suffering from terrible shit because now she's doing better yeah you know now all of a sudden she's feeling a lot better well you know what well you know what uh on the season finale I don't know if you remember at the very end we talked

about this how when they're talking about how Yolanda and David are getting divorced and Lisa Rinna sitting there talking with Eileen and being you know what? I bet she's going to feel a lot better now. I bet she's going to feel a lot better now. I'm like, well you just proved the point that it's not Lyme, that it might be Munchausen, that it's in her head after all. You know? Well, Munchausen is like blatantly faking it. Yeah. Can you tell I've been reading a lot of medical blogs? Or do you think David Foster

like finally like opened up and said do you know how much we've given this fucking Daisy in the last year? That's probably $355,000 to a former high class hooker that Do you know how much we've given this fucking Daisy in the last year? That's probably. $355,000 to a former high class hooker that, you know, believes in having, you know, some warm lemon juice. If you need high class hookers to be your friend, just go visit Muhammad. You guys are still in touch. Yeah.

I mean, what the hell? True though. I mean, Muhammad always has some teenager on his arm. Like, get out of here. Yeah. I think the whole thing just feels very, very fishy. And just seeing the way Yolanda was able to manipulate the whole room to get everyone crying around her. And she's there sobbing, saying, it's my life you're talking about. Well, I'm like, you're the one who went on TV, by the way.

The real housewives are going to kill everything for everybody else because nobody can even have cancer and get pity anymore because of the fucking housewives. Did you ever see Bella before her plastic surgery? No. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure. She didn't have it until she was on the show. She what? Well, maybe when she was younger on the show. Somebody just posted something and it was like pretty amazing what they can do nowadays.

I know. She has lovely facial shape. Like the way they shaved her bones here. Yeah. It looks lovely. Did you notice that when Yolanda was talking about her kids, at one point she's like, you know, I have three children. Two daughters.

And she's just like, Anwar. Goodbye, Anwar. Two daughters who are on top of the world. Poor little Anwar. Well, Anwar's only, like, in high school. He's still in high school. He also hangs out with Muhammad and plays soccer. Yolanda's mortified.

You know she is. She's like, whoa, he barely walks. He runs. Who does this? Runs with a ball. Disgusting women. Yeah, I don't know. Yolanda, just nothing.

Nothing adds up. And then on top of that, the way she chimes in other parts of the reunion when Kim Richards finally comes back. And Yolanda just has all these little remarks, you know. Why do you think Kim Richards took the stuff from Target? Math. I think she just has good taste. It was a bunch of toys. The dollar aisle. It was toys.

Oh, I mean, it's some basket freezer. It feels messy. She always wants to have another baby. I was just watching, like, one of the first episodes when she's, like, you know, how every year she and Brandy were going to, like, another overpriced lease. You know, like, they have to move every year she and Brandy were going to like another overpriced lease. You know, like they have to move every year. There's like, that's like, I feel like that's always like a shady thing.

If you have to move every year, it's just not a good sign. Yeah, exactly. They're just going from like random places in Westlake Village. And I have a Jag. That's the important thing. Like you're driving around a lease Jag and you can't even pay for your house. You have a Range Rover, but yeah, you're going to get a $6,500 lease. And then you wonder why you're walking on a target with a gift.

But she says she wanted to have a baby. She always said she wanted to have another baby. She has like five kids, right? I know. She has four kids. Four kids. And a dog. And four different dads.

And the dog from The Omen. She has that too. Kingsley. We don't know how he's doing. I've got him really west of his sperm in the freezer. Anything, I'm going to whip it out. When are you going to get pregnant? Shut up, Kim.

She said it twice to Kyle. Once, when they're looking for a house, she goes, I don't know. I may have another baby. Kyle's like, what? And then also at one of the pump parties At the end when she was like losing her mind With the shoe And then she's like I want to have another baby And Kyle's like

You're 48 Like what are you talking about I remember she had that awful boyfriend that had like Talk marks The mouth breather That was Ken That party in particular That was the season finale and kyle's like sitting

there doing her vein popping cry she's like how could you kim kim's like i want to have a baby she's like hitting her shoe like it's a baby what the hell i love kim richards and i love that kim richards is just so like i'm not gonna stop drinking fuck all y'all she's like hey guys andy's like so monty died andy's the worst by the way he's like welcome hey, guys. Andy's like, so Monty died. Andy's the worst, by the way. He's like, welcome back, Kim. Monty died. Let's talk about Target. He's like just asking her everything. And when he got on the drug stuff, she's like, I knew it was going down.

You know, when I had that one glass of wine. I'm like, Kim, you are such a liar. You have been drinking since the first season. And look, be drunk if you want. We all have a right to be drunk. Own it, Kim. Freaking own it. You have been drinking since the first season. And look, be drunk if you want. We all have a right to be drunk. Just stay off the roads. Own it, Kim. Own it, Kim.

Freaking own it. Own it. And I love how, and again, Yolanda, you know, Kim's going to be like, I guess that was just hard to love sometimes. And Kyle's like, no, you weren't hard to love. And Yolanda's like, that is how she feels. Like, shut up, Yolanda. Like, just stick ass out of it.

Why are you no sensitive to Kim, huh? All of a sudden, she's Kim's protector. I'm so glad Yolanda's an asshole again. I was so sick of having to pretend she wasn't an asshole because she was in bed. Do you remember that scene when she was in David's Bachelor fuckpad? Because she was relegated. He changed the locks in Malibu or whatever. So she's staying in this place.

Yeah, she was just like, you know, it's too big. I just need one walk-in closet for my vitamins. Or looking at the ocean from my bedroom. Oh, stressful. And I had to walk up and get the lemons. And, you know, to have a dinner party with a staff of only 20, it was just too much. Blanca needed better air. So she's in her bedroom and Rinna and Eileen come over.

And Rinna's like, whoa, look at this art it's like nails with string on it or whatever and Yolanda hears them and she's across the room and she runs into bed and jumps into bed and covers her face and like poses it. She curls up in a fetal position How does no one call this shit out on the show

I did not notice that is hilarious It was so good and then on her nightstand she had a bottle of patrone i mean it was a gift i think but that's how much people believe yolanda they're like feel better with your chronic illness here's some patrone who does that exactly she's getting rid of all the toxins i engaged in a conversation with some people who are human, who put something in my head, which then I made the choice to repeat. And I am so sorry. I engaged in chatter.

Because I should have not repeated it. Who said it? repeated it i should who said it it was a voice that was attached to limbs and i will not tell you but i feel that we could move forward can we just move forward no why are we moving i don't want to move every year like kim and brandy i'm tired she's like what is this what is this word and she's like it means you were faking is this word? And she's like, it means you were faking it. And then Brenna starts like looking on her phone. I'm like, lady,

do not read Munchausen to Yolanda right now. Like you just drove all the way here. Listen, here's a DVD of Sixth Sense. Watch it, you dumb bitch. Has no one seen that movie? God, Misha Barton

was under the bed as a ghost. Throwing up. Throwing up. And she goes, please, my mother made me dead. She's going to kill my sister if you don't come to this funeral with Rumor Willis' dad. Bruce. I couldn't remember his name.

Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis, the way you know that there is nothing to cure baldness because he's so rich. If there was something, he would work. What if Yolanda is really dead? And that's like the end. And she is a ghost. It's the same twist. We're all responsible.

We just all thought that we were seeing Yolanda that whole time. Yeah. Did you ever see the video that she sings about to David Foster? Yes, on the airplane. Her wedding gift to David on the airplane. Yeah, I mean, that would make me sick too. Like, I just did the worst video in the world. I'm just going to stay in bed for the next four years.

I love you. My love. I fly to a... What was that about? It's like roasted chicken and flying in first class or some shit. I don't know. Do you think she wanted him to divorce her? Do you think this was her way to, like, force it?

I think she left. I think... What do you think? I think that she... You know, I actually knew somebody that had breast cancer and she's fine now, thank God. And we were at dinner and she got divorced. And guess what? I asked.

Because I'm a girlfriend at dinner. And I said, after him going through chemo with you and everything, I'm like, what was it? Because I always remember, who's the lesbian that's like an NBA player? She's got babies from all these different people. Cheryl Supes. The singer. You have to be more specific. A lesbian. Tell me.

Tell me. The rock and roll girl. Melissa Etheridge. Okay, so Melissa Etheridge, I remember, she had two babies with Lou Diamond Phillips' ex. Had two babies with her. Then that girl said, I'm not a lesbian and left. So she left Lou Diamond Phillips, went to Melissa Etheridge, then told Melissa Etheridge, I'm actually not a lesbian, left. Then Melissa Etheridge met the girl on the show called Popular.

Yeah. Right. Married her. Right. They had two babies with sperm other than, they had the sperm from the first two were. David Crosby? David Crosby. Oh, right.

The sperm from these two, I don't know who from. Stills and Nash. They had these two kids. And then she got cancer. And the girl from the popular you know i suppose was a supportive wife oh but afterwards they broke up and in that particular case i was like i think sometimes when people go through an illness sometimes it doesn't matter how their spouse if their spouse was great or bad they're just like you know what life's short i almost died i actually don't even like you that much so fuck off like i'm gonna have some fun right i think in yolanda's case she didn't think he

cared enough how she was acting and in my friend's case who had the breast cancer he was so not good during that time that she was like this was the test of the marriage and you fucking fail so now that i'm in remission no don't want to break a hip with you really don't because you weren't that great well she's made interesting comments about like well muhammad pays for the bills so he would know if the kids were getting treated muhammad pays for this and muhammad pays for that and the rumors are is that she got mad that foster started refusing to pay which is your was your first joke when he's like this bitch cost 200 an hour and she was flying all over the world well i'm sure they had

a very tight prenup. Yeah. So there's probably very, very much limit. And guys that are rich who every few years gets a new rich wife, they have the whole thing where, like, you know, this is how much you get a month. This is your party planning budget. This is your hair and clothes budget. Just don't exceed it, and we're good.

Yeah. You don't have to ask me about it. And then when I come home, suck my dick and act like you're super into me. And call me the king. Which she did. And then when I'm gone, you can shop as much as you want. You can have your friends over. When I'm home, don't do anything I don't want to do.

Okay. Okay. That's what I found with women who are really rich now. Her first scene, I was like, prenup, because she was like, David is my king and look at all the Grammys. Oh, please, lady. But, prenup, because she was like, David is my king, and look at all the Grammys. Oh, please, lady. But the other rumor is that she was doing all this stuff because she started calling, first it was, she's gone through all these diseases, basically. And the most recent is she's calling it neurological Lyme, and they're saying that that's how you get around a prenup. Because if there's some kind of brain issue, there's a divorce.

So that's an internet rumor. I don't know, but that's how you get around a prenup. Because if there's like some kind of brain issue and there's a divorce, so that's the internet rumor. I don't know, but that's tricky, right? Because she said that. I had Lyme before we got married. She's pre-existing conditions. So now she's trying to say she did have it. And now it's like chronic, it's neurological, blah, blah, blah.

I don't know, because there hasn't been any word on the prenup or who's getting what. It's just that the story is always changing. If he's trying to do that, then he must be like, fuck you. Ave Maria. Hey, Josh Groban, let's do a song together. You lift me up.

The Josh Groban, like, Jagged Little Pill album comes out. Oh, didn't you love that What's-His-Name sang Ave Maria? Because that's like a public domain song. And I was like, oh, my God, that's the only song that can get passed. Poor Andrew Bocelli. Ave Maria. Oh my God, you can sing it. I went to Catholic school and that was one of the songs that I can sing.

Speaking of singers, what are your thoughts on Erika Jayne? Erika Jayne came to my podcast. Okay. I was very excited to have her. I think she's really smart i think she gets away with the stuff because she is smart about it right like you that's someone who's really calculating because she doesn't let her guard down she's constantly thinking and she also doesn't have a great sense of humor That's exactly what we've been saying She didn't get like any of my jokes That's what we've been saying, oh my god

And so then the perfect example of that was at the dinner at her house When her husband goes, you know, I want to be a lawyer because I watch Perry Mason And then Lisa Vandenpump goes, you just watch Perry Mason, you didn't go to law school And she's like, no Lisa, he went to law school She's like, I'm kidding Lisa I'm kidding Erica Lisa. I know. I'm kidding, Erica. Jane, you're fucking, don't do the splits.

Leave me alone. Like, she. That's what we always say how, like, for someone who's so, like, into the gay culture and gay clubs and she's got her gays, she doesn't seem very, like, gay funny, you know? Like, she doesn't have that personality. Right. And it was kind of, you know, she's really nice. She looked really beautiful. The whole glam squad came to the podcast. And it was kind of, you know, she's really nice. She looked really beautiful. The whole glam squad came to the podcast.

That's hilarious. So, yeah. They're in the room. They might be like, wait, no. In the waiting room of the podcast, she had, and then when we took our little picture, the guy that was the stylist, he like, you know, moved the collar a little. And then there was Pat the Puss was there. And then a hair guy and a makeup guy. You remember?

Wow. They were all like super nice. And then a hair guy and a makeup guy. You remember? Wow. They were all like super nice. And I said, do you want them in the room? Like, I didn't know if she wanted them to be like part. She's like, no, no, no. So they just sat in the waiting room. And then when I was asking her about everything, you know, like the questions I really had for an Erika Jayne is like. Because I think a lot of people see it.

And, you know, if you're married for a long time and it's not that great of a marriage and the guy isn't that rich you're like I fucking get it like who cares if it's some old fart I can climb on twice a month and hold my breath like girl a job's a job who cares you know and like I just think yeah I don't need I don't know I think she was just very smart about like you know what I don't care like I don't think she cheats on him or anything I just think it just is not important to her that he's older and whatever yeah that's just not i i think they could have a good friendship relationship like the same things but when i was asking her about it i was like oh so you got married and um where'd you get married and was it big oh no it

was very small we just had you know five thousand, no. She said just two, like one couple, like a witness couple. And I go, oh, and your son? And she goes, oh, no, he was in New York at school. And I remember going, wait a minute, how old is he? But she's so, like, powerful. Like, I didn't want to push it. Like, I could tell, like, don't push about the son. And then, like, Reality T or one of those bloggers listened to my episode and they're like, the kid was six when she got married.

Why was he going to school in New York? So I don't think she had physical custody of him when he was little. I think he lived with the dad. Oh, girl, I'll beat you on all the gossip. Look, I read all these blogs. I have no life. Okay, stay in my house. And you know what?

I'm not going to say if that is the case. I don't think that makes her a bad mom. There's dads that do all the time. No, I don't either. And maybe they had a thing where the husband was like, where Girardi was like, you know, let him go to school with your ex. You can fly you private as much as you want to see him. He can spend the summers here.

But I'm 62. I don't want a seven-year-old running around. I'm not going to soccer games. You need to be at my disposal. And she might have been like fine with that. No, it was way before that. And they obviously have a good relationship now.

So I'm like, I don't want to judge the choices that she made. Yeah, it's not even judging it. It's just what it is. So what is it? Tell me. She left,

there are pictures of her back when she was a mom. You will not believe it. She looks 10 years older than she does now. Oh, the plastic surgery that she's had done is amazing.

She looks great. Well, she got the eyelids in. She's a beautiful older than she does now. The plastic surgery that she's had done is amazing. She looks great. She's beautiful. She's not ugly. She's a beautiful girl. When you have just that like Helen Hunt eye. That's what she had before. So then you get like the bone. So like the eyes were done. Now she says she didn't, but I think she got her eyes in. The nose

is very good. It looks good. And then of course lips and everything else. I think she is beautiful. She is. I'm just saying she looks totally different she was still pretty but she was like mom it's crazy i didn't even recognize i'll find it later okay no one can see this but um she got pregnant young had a baby and left when she was three she was like later left when the baby was three uh-huh she came to new york i think it was she didn't want to i think she probably didn't want to be a mom and went to follow her dreams, became a waitress and ended up meeting this guy later.

But she left early. I think she was just, she couldn't take it, you know, but that's her next season. You know, they're going to bring it up at some point. She's not giving enough out. She's not like. They knew to be nice enough to her or she'd walk off or she might've said, oh my God, I bet she said, don't ask me about my child and i'll do your show yeah she also kept everybody very busy what's gonna happen is

they're gonna get like a new girl and they're gonna be like you want to be on this show you fucking start asking about her because america's gonna attack attack her for not being a full-time mom. Even though husbands do it all the time. And are weak in dads or whatever. And she could provide the life for him. And probably maybe gave so much money that her ex lived nicely. Just like if the world was reversed, no one would care. But she better be prepared for whatever answer.

And if she gives zero fucks, that's the kind of answer she should say. You know what? I was 21. I wasn't into being a mom. We provided both my ex and him with a great life. He's a successful human being today. We have a great relationship. So you can question all you want.

There's mothers that stay at home every single day and their kid's a heroin addict. So fuck off is what I would say. Zero fucks. But the thing is that she's all about like, So fuck off is what I would say. Zero fucks. But the thing is that she's all about like, I don't give a fuck, like zero fucks, whatever. But the truth is she gives a lot of fucks because she's not, she doesn't let anyone in. I mean, all we know about her is that she has this old husband. She has a kid that was a police officer and she eats cake alone.

And then she has a glam squad. And that's like, that's it. And I think that if she's first for the next season, we have know more about her you know like that that's fine for your first season especially because there's a bigger scandal going on that she was starting i mean she was she's sneaky sorry andy ask her what no just say on the reunion when andy was like basically someone a listener said you're my favorite until you refuse to cop up to your role in this whole situation she's like oh i was tired and then i realized i didn't understand the question i'm like you're you're sneaky yeah she's like i didn't understand how this i didn't understand how this worked yeah andy doesn't even ask it's like she blatantly lies she said

i when that happened i didn't even know what they were talking about because i was tired from the show and then when i realized it i said but then she said at that time on the show she was like yeah i lied fuck that i don't give a fuck i don't want to talk about it so i lied and it's like well she said it on camera the reason she has zero fucks is because she has fuck you money so if she decides she doesn't want to do the show anymore if they start giving her shit about her kid and she's just like fuck you and walks off what are they gonna sue her for breaking contract now she's gonna walk away the glam squad yeah and the glam squad is gonna be with her and then that's it her glam squad is like remember tv's bloopers and practical jokes little janitors that come out with the brooms that's why i feel like her glam squad is coming out like that every Every time, a little animated, you know, pulling down a curtain.

Except they're always saying, fierce, everything, everything, fierce. I know you talked about Bethany. Whatever you want to talk about, we are here to talk about it. I love Bethany on the show. I do, too. I love her on the show. I hate her and love her, too. But I also think I thought of something pretty profound today, as I have profound moments once in a while.

Yes, yes. something pretty profound today as i have profound moments yes yes if a group of men ever spoke so disparaging about a guy's girlfriend's appearance the way caroline and bethany did to john yeah they would never they would be murdered they'd be hung by their balls they would never work in this town again yeah That you could talk about his body That he's sloppy That he's misshapen Yeah, misshapen and sweaty And that he's gross, he's disgusting

And who would fuck him And you know, we all sit and go So sometimes when people are like You know, this very year of the feminist I'm like, we're fucking horrible. Yeah. Like we are the most, we are horrible. And when I raise my sons, I'm like terrified.

I'm like, I don't know if their dicks are going to be big, but I hope they are because girls are so awful that it's like, I think we're the worst. But that's part of being a man. That it's completely being, that it's completely fine that you can just rip someone's appearance apart like this and that. But that's what I'm saying. It's like, so whenever a woman says like, oh, you know, whatever, you know, we don't have, it's not fair or something. I'm like, shut up. We have it so much easier in some respects, not in every, but in some ones you cannot

put a price on it. That Bethany Frankelolyn could just talk about this guy's body and rip on him well at least they do it to each other too they have money they don't need guys well the well i guess the feminist like the reason like so it's you're talking about like this you're a feminist or whatever but then of course the the probably the the straight male response is oh it's just women just talking about whatever like discounting anything that even they say so it probably goes both ways like just the awfulness but i agree don't get me wrong i agree i think it's like they would get it was the other way i'm i'm i'm skinny girl that's skinnier than

girl like that's too much it's just she's got a disease like bethany's making this whole thing about how this girl has an eating disorder then they're talking about how fat the other guy is then they rip on the home yeah they rip on the home like i'm like come on like you god forbid you ever come to my house bethany frankl like i would hate to have do you imagine having bethany frankl as a guest in your home awful awful all those questions like everything about you you know how you made the guacamole no i just i i it's weird okay you know okay whatever you made the guacamole. No, I just, it's weird. Okay, you know, okay. How I did guacamole, whatever. No, no, glad to be here. Glad to, oh, oh my God.

Is that, is that an animal? Is that, is it, there's a hair on the carpet. There's a hair on the carpet. I'm going to throw it. What was this, a blender? Is this a blender? It has a handle. I see a blender.

Is this a blade? Okay, no, I mean, it's fine. It's whatever. It's whatever. I don't get it. I don't get it. Who am I to judge? You know what?

To each his own. I don't know. I don't know. You have a magic bullet. Okay, you have a magic bullet. That doesn't do anything magical. I don't see anything magical, but you to judge? You know what? To each his own. I don't know. You have a magic bullet. Okay, you have a magic bullet. That doesn't do anything magical. I don't see anything magical, but that's fine. No, whatever.

That cast is so fucking crazy. It's so good. So good. It's my favorite. Look at the difference. Beverly Hills, Kim still won't say, I was an alcoholic that drank every day I did a scene. But on Beverly Hills, she's like, what, do you want to blow a couple lines right now? What, are you going to blow a couple rails?

You're a little lit up right now, aren't you? You're a little lit up right now. Yeah. I think he's a drunk. I think he's disgusting. You doing a couple rails? Oh, my God. Anything Bethany says in one episode.

John and Dorinda get wasted. They get drunk every single day. I'm like, oh, my God. And then Dorinda, I feel so badly. Better back it up. Better back it up. This is what I imagined. Ding-a-ling-a-ling. Hello? Hey, my God. And then Dorinda, I feel so badly. Better back it up. Better back it up. This is what I imagined. Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

Hello? Hey, Dorinda. It's Jennifer from the production company. Oh, hi. You know, have you thought about your tagline yet? Um, no. Why? Do you have an idea for me, girl?

Yeah, actually, we do. We're watching the season. And you're just so fun. You're just the life of the party. You really light up the room. we do we're watching the season and you're just so fun you're just the life of the party really light up the room we were thinking why don't you say diamonds aren't a girl's best friend martinis are oh i love it diamonds aren't a best friend martinis are thanks a lot jennifer it's like giving kim richards yes i mean like that is the tagline and the whole thing is that she drinks too much.

Like, that, you cannot tell me that. And I also think that in Bethany's contract, it says something like, every episode I get to talk about or show Skinny Girl for at least, like, 240 seconds per episode. Yes. You know that's in there. Absolutely. She built her house with Skinny Girl bottles. She basically has.

There's always, like, I built her house with Skinny Girl bottles. She basically has. There's always like the splash of red. And then like she, when she was eating the chocolate. You know, like Andy's like, put a little, something you're going to like in the link tonight when you check it for the episode airs. You're going to really like what we did for you, Bethany. There'll just be a big Skinny Girl banner at the reunion and just hanging behind Andy Cohen. Oh my God. It's like giving Kim Richards her new tagline.

I may not take aim, but I can still hit the target. It's like, oh, no. Poor thing. I swear, if they all died, she'd be like, you know what? It's really, really sad, but I was working on this anyway. I have skinny girl coffins. They're beautifully red and shellacked. They're small.

They're small. They're small. They're skinny. But all the girls are skinny, which is great. Which is great. It's a motivation. Yeah. And then she would, that would be, yeah, it'd be good. They've been embalmed with low calorie fluid.

Honestly, I love Bethany. I think she's hilarious. But when she says like, I give zero fucks, I'm like, yeah, you do because you don't care about any of these people. Right. Obviously you don't. Or anyone. She is someone who truly does not get

so close. She really doesn't care. Look, I grew up on a racetrack, okay? I don't have parents. I don't have a husband. The only friends that I really have are the ones that are on TV with me. And I hate them too. And then I've got my daughter, who I believe

she's a good mother too. But other than that, you just kind of go... Now, Carol and she seem a good mother, too. But, like, other than that, like, you just kind of go. I mean, now Carol and she seem to be friends, whatever. But, like, when they're running out of the schmear party and stuff and just, like, giggling, I'm like, you guys are the meanest high school bitches. Right, they are. I felt like if you were Jules and you invited someone to, like, your party and she was like, oh, my God, what is it? A Caravelle cake? A Caravelle ice cream?

Oh, I haven't had a Caravelle ice cream cake since I was five and I thought this was a seven-year-old's party. Okay, whatever. I thought Bethany wanted to come when I gave you the invitation in second grade. Okay, I mean I'm not going to go swimming in your pool. Is it salt water?

It's not salt water. God. You've got basket case Dorinda ready to solve it. She's like, well, everything's great. It's a great place. Why would you do that? What was she looking at me? What was she trying?

I'm just kind of surprised with all her money that she's never got the two fangs fixed. It's coming. I think it's one of those things. But I kind of think it's distinct. So I'm glad that she hasn't. But I'm sort of surprised. I'm kind of surprised. I think she just keeps watching the show drunk.

Yeah, because most people see themselves on reality TV or on TV, I guess. The first thing they do is bleach those fucking teeth. Yes, they get a bleach. They get everything shaved down. They get it together. I think Dorinda just watches drunk. Have you ever read Dorinda's tweets while she's watching? She's like, yeah, Bethany, how about you shuck a dick?

It's like, whoa. What about when they're at the bra party and her legs are spread apart? Like, she's like, yeah, Bethany, how about you suck a dick? What about when you're at the bra party and your legs are spread apart like she's like as my friend of 23 years! I was like expecting to see an anchor tattoo on her shoulder. You tell me! Privately! You guys have to go.

So funny. Well, thank you so much. Can I talk about my shows real quick? Yes, tell us everything that everyone needs to know. Okay, so I will be at the Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia, May 5th through the 7th. I'll be in Ventura, California at Ventura Harbor Comedy Club on Friday, May 13th and May 14th. And I will be one night only, Thursday, May 26th at the Irvine Improv. And I will be in San Francisco Cubs, June 3rd and 4th. Please come. Follow me at HeatherMcDonald, HeatherMcDonald. the Irvine Improv. And I will be in San Francisco Cubs June 3rd and 4th. Please come.

Follow me at Heather McDonald. HeatherMcDonald.net for all the dates and tickets and whatever you need. And please subscribe to Juicy Scoop. It's 100% free. There's no paywall. You can go back and listen to all 44 episodes. And I have fun people. You guys have been on it.

You'll have to come back. Love to. Now I'm having people come back second and third times and stuff. And guys have been on it. You have to come back. Love to. Now I'm having people come back second and third times and stuff, and it's been really fun, and I really appreciate it. We love you, and congratulations to kicking some ass.

Seriously. I freaking love the podcast world. It's so fun. We just sit here and just talk. Maybe if I just do this for the rest of my life, this and stand-up. Who cares? That's all you need.

All we do is sit and talk about reality TV. There could be nothing better. I plan on doing nothing. I'm like, why would i go to an audition like i would have to go someplace every day 12 hours a day all right bye guys bye heather thanks so much for coming on try texture for free right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins that's texture.com slash crappins hey prime members you can listen to watch or crappins ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at

wondery.com slash survey.