Watch What Crappens - #296: Sloppy Seconds and Turds

Episode Date: May 26, 2016

Timestamps below! Today’s episode is a huge heaping of Ramona’s untrained dog doodoo on The Real Housewives of New York with a side of Tour Group model drama and Below Deck maid lust. We also check in on Watch What Happens Live and imagine Shannon Beador’s Call Out podcast. Enjoy! Timestamps: 0:00 Watch What Happens and Crappens Mailbag 50:30 RHONY 2:01:25 Tour Group 2:19:20 Below Deck Med -- Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com -- See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Watch what happens when there's so much that happens. Watch what happens would like to thank its premium subscribers, Cassie Bugalski and Christy Doherty. We love you girls. Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on ye old brahbs. I'm Ronnie Kerm from Trash Talk TV, and as usual I'm here with the gorgeous, talented, thin, and deeply-souled eyes, Ben Mandelka, of the B-Side blog and the Beta Blender. My eyes are so deeply sold today. Like a shoe. Like a big old shoe.

Like a Timberland boot. My friend who's like a clog, Ben Mandelker. I am like a clog, I always stomp away. Well, even a broken clog is right a couple times a day. Now it's clock, you dumbass. Clock. Guys, if you can't tell time, it's because you're looking at your clogs. Okay, dum-dums?

Welcome to... By the way, this is bad news that we are now... This is now like twice in a row that we have defaulted into like Leanne Dallas voice when it has nothing to do with dallas we did on the bonus episode yeah leanne dallas voice is just um a really good reason to be angry in my uh my home accent so she's gonna stay here forever she's gonna be with the gina leono yeah she's and mcgally mcgally was in my dream last night, by the way, guys. You're standing up for an insignificant ass hair. You know why she was in your she was in your dream?

Because someone tweeted her and added us in the tweet. I was like, Magali, we love you. So it's in your brain. Oh, my God. And then she and then she Freddy Krueger'd me. Magali Gray. If you wake up, Leanne. Oh, don't wake up, Leanne. Don't wake up leanne don't wake up your alarm goes ring ring ring ring ring and i say snooze snooze snooze snooze snooze okay leanne

whoa whoa leanne whoa leanne whoa what's that noise what's that ringing noise whoa leanne don't wake up whoa um all of our links are over on watch what crappins.com if you want to follow us on the snapchat or the instas or whatever uh come to watchwhatcrappens.com. If you want to follow us on the Snapchat or the Instas or whatever, come to Watch What Crappens on Facebook, facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens, to talk to other listeners about the shows as they air. Post your links. Do whatever you want. We don't care.

And then come on over to patreon.com slash watchwhatcrappens. That is where you get the bonus episodes. Those are like a whole other um podcast about uh whatever the hell is happening like it's been about toenails before what and this week as you notice ronnie it was a very prophetic bonus episode this was a really crazy week with that um we had talked we went on this podcast called the best of friends just so good it was so fun so we watched a couple of episodes of friends yeah and then we went and talked about it on this show so we were talking about nbc in the 90s and frazier will and grace

and amongst other things and what was the other thing from there um it was like creepy that oh and then that morning we had recorded yeah we had recorded our show speaking of leanne and we had leanne talking about leanne from dallas playing the stupid celebrity pyramid game from the 80s for whatever reason yeah we went on a crazy run where we just started like we were imagining first was we were imagining leanne reading people magazine and then her doing the crosswords and then her like creating the crossword clues and then that turned into leanne being on celebrity um like ten thousand dollar i don't even remember what it was but so we go on we talk about nbc i come home and i'm watching the shows live because i don't have a DVR because I'm a loser.

And it was Jack from Will and Grace and Laura Linney from Frasier. And Andy was so embarrassing. And then he made them play like a celebrity pyramid type game. It was crazy. So the other weird thing is that on my way home from the Friends podcast, Best of Friends podcast, my friend Neil, avid listener, hi, Neil. He went to Sur that night while we were at Friends and he wrote a very excited email because not only did he go to Sur, they wereing at sir for vanderpump rules and he said the whole gang was there every single person like all the big stars you know sheena james lala etc etc so i mean i couldn't have been more happy for him and then i get home i open i go to my elevator elevator door

opens and a vanderpump rules waiter steps out now it was not a star it was that um that hot latino guy with the baby but he came out of my elevator i was like does a vanderpump rules cast member live in my building now wait a hot latino with a baby the one who had sex with lauren and looks like eddie no no no no no that's the really hot latino this is like the hot latino who looks sort of asian but but sort of latino um who uh i think maybe his name is Jeremy. I can't remember. But he was if you go back to season one of Vanderpump Rules, when Stassi got mad at all her friends and then called out the B team to come to Vegas for her birthday, he was

in the B team. He's one of the B team. Yeah, he's in the background a lot. But I was like, oh, my God. And he was like really tall. He smelled nice. And I like instinctually was like, hi. And he was like, hi. my God. And he was, like, really tall. He smelled nice. And I, like, instinctively was like, hi. And he was like, hi.

And he had a deep voice. And I was like, they really do have attractive waiters at that, sir. They really do. Oh, my God. They really do. So it was like a night of coincidences. I figured they were shooting because I was in West Hollywood the other day for Sunday. And I saw Sheena.

I saw Sheena pass by and she looks like she looked like her parents were coming to visit her after doing a community theater show or something because she was she was in her mom jean short short things you know those things that girls are wearing where they're like my womb is covered but my ass is on the street it's like one of those outfits she was all casual but then she had a full face of makeup and ironed hair it looked crazy she probably looks like that every day but i was like i'm shooting like mom's here now uh it was a really crazy day that was one of those things where there's signs that are like you're on the right track or the signs are like your life is officially fucking

pathetic now you need to like stop yeah i'm not yeah i i thought there were signs everywhere um and i looked up this guy his name is jeremy jeremy davison if anyone wants to look him up on twitter jeremy davison jeremy i like how you're with your accent you call him jeremy that's so fitting for me he was jeremy but now after he's been on vanderpump, he's just Jeremy. Oh, no. So he's the co-founder of At Style by Stassi. Oh, my God.

At Style. It's literally chic as fuck. Like, it's At Style, okay? It's not just like style. It's like At Style. Like, people are like, where am I going? I'm like, you're going to At Style. And by the way, we did play a good chunk of Stassi's podcast on the bonus episode this week.

It all comes together, darling. Oh, yeah. Stassi's podcast is always gold. This week it was with Kristen. She's like, what would you? Okay, like if we were on an island, like is it deserted? Okay, what if a boat comes? Okay, like what are we going to eat? Like are we fed?

It's like concentrate, god damn it. I think we listened to eat? Are we fed? It's like, concentrate, goddammit! I think we listened to that for 20 minutes and then finally just hung up on them. Yeah, exactly. They were worse than we are. We definitely get off track, as evidenced by the fact that we're still rambling on about all this stuff. Have we even finished our opening intro? We did. We did finish our opening.

I said all the links i think oh good good but while i am already before we get on let me just go on some more because i have to tell you about watch what happens live that show andy okay andy's basically an alcoholic at this point like all this talk about alcoholism and drug use on all these bravo shows and andy just sits back looking all glazed this show he looked so glazed and bloodshot. At one point, he looked like he had been crying. Like he just snorted a line. He's like, all right, welcome back to the show.

And he's leaning back in his chair with his feet crossed in front of him. You know how people do that? He's like, I'm casual. Not gonna watch what happens live. And it finally hit me what Andy's been doing this whole time. Like someone told Andy he's on a game show. He'll be like, welcome to Watch What Happens.

Tonight we have Laura Linney and Jack from Will and Grace. Like he's always asking a question that no one's ever answering. Laura Linney and Jack from Will and Grace were horrified to be there. Oh, I'm sure. Laura Linney is such a snotty bitch. Well, first of all, they're both... Don't you dare.

She is, though. Don't you dare. She's so full of herself. Don't you dare. She's so arrogant and full of herself. She's one of those, like, actor-y actors. He's like,

okay, guys, someone like Desmira from Des Moines to Dahoudas wants to know what's your favorite gaffe? And she's like, what? And he said, your favorite gaffe! She's like, um, she just looked

at Jack like, you're the funny one. So please, and he was like, no, I'm an actor now. And so she was like, he's like, I'm serious, too. And so she's like, well, I guess I can't believe I'm going to say that. OK, well, if I had to say my favorite calf, it would be when I was on the set of this play. I'm like, Laura Linney, shut up with your play. We all get that you're like a very deep actor-y actor. Unfortunately, you're here to promote the Ninja Turtles movie.

Okay, you snotty bitch. Is she really? Yes. And she's acting like, oh, well. When I was in Bus Stop, not the bus, of course, but, you know, the play on Broadway or whatever. It's like, shut up, Laura Linney. So she goes on. Some guy got snot in his nose.

Okay, then Jack. I thought, well, at least Jack will be funny because he's Jack, right? Oh, this was the other thing. We were talking. Remember when we were talking on the Friends podcast about the sitcom show that's like Project Greenlight? Jack was a producer of that show. He was a producer of that. Yeah, I'm actually surprised we didn't bring that up on the show.

Because, yeah, he was one of the producers of Situation Comedy, a Bravo show, Yeah, he was one of the producers of Situation Comedy, a Bravo show, who one of the pilots that they pilot presentations that they made featured Janice, which is why we brought up on the front. Chandler. OK, so he was so he was there, obviously. So anyway, that was just another crazy moment from that day. So, Jack, I'm like, well, at least he'll be funny. He's Jack. No, Jack is like very actor. And he's like, well, my favorite role. I'm like, you need to stop being serious because you're stupid.

And then the only thing Andy could ask them, it would come time to ask a question. He'd be like, Laura Linney, you know famous people. Who have you partied with? Like, that's all he cares about. He's like, do you know Al Pacino? Hey, do you know Meryl Streep? Hey, who else do you know? Do they invite you to their

parties what's it like do they have party favors like it's all he cares about and then just to wrap this up because i know i can make this an hour i was horrified no i'm like really enjoying it because i have something to add at the very end of this like andy never sat up he always leaned back laura linney and jack gave him looks like we're all the same age but you're the only drunk sad one this is disgusting so they're all giving him dirty looks. And then it gets around to the very end. You know how they always have those polls? Yeah.

And the poll was, which Will and Grace character are you? And then the audience has to pick their Will and Grace character. So it's ending up, everybody hates Andy. And he's like, okay, we got the answers to our poll. Whoa, Jack, you came in last place. Only 6% of the people would want to be you. And then Laura Linney looks at Jack like, aw. And then it closes.

That's the end. And then when they cut, you hear. Yes, that's what I was going to say. Because when I turned on, I turned on tour group. And tour group, you know, the recording got like the last 20 seconds of watch what happens. And so it's on, and you hear the music, and Andy's like, bye, guys. And then the screen comes up that says Embassy Row. And all of a sudden, you're like, oh!

And I was like what like andy clearly thought his microphone was cut off and he just like let out the most disgusting cough hack of all time and then tour group started up i was like that's actually the most appropriate noise for tour group it it it really is someone dying i am so glad he knows that because i cracked up i was like what the hell is that like our show is literally more professional than this show now and by the way we you know it's professional because this time i made sure all my windows and doors were closed before the drilling started because it started right now and it's much quieter this time i'm sorry well look i'm all for like smoking a bowl coughing do do whatever you want dude but like you seriously look so retarded sitting back

there and i mean that in this language don't anybody get mad sorry i said it but he like leans back oh he's just so wasted how are you talking about everybody else's shit and then i think the next night someone had to ask him about oh wait they showed a clip who was talking to him oh they showed a clip of him talking to reza and reza was like well like are you ever gonna be with somebody are you just gonna be alone forever because there's like that certain point where like for a gay guy we're like a gay guy it's like yeah i'm just gonna have sex with people and then at a certain point it's like sad and you're just gonna die alone like is that where you are and wow Andy's like, wow, that's a really good, sad point. Cut.

Yeah, that's bad. If you're being shamed about with life lessons by Ressa about being too much of a skank, that's sad. The difference, though, is that Andy Cohen is very famous, extremely successful, and very smart. So he can pretty much fuck around until he wants to. Because he's also really good looking, too, by the way. That's the other difference he's really good looking andy cohen's good looking well i'm not much but he's really good looking i just got a good body he's i feel like that guy i would i wouldn't even care how good looking he is because you'd be at dinner with that guy and he'd be like who who'd you hang out with like how many instagram friends do they have and then the whole

time you were talking he'd be looking around the room. I don't know if Andy Cohen is like that, actually, off the air. I mean, I think that's part of him. But I think that he's a different personality off the air. I really get that vibe. Well, I would hope so. Could you imagine? Like, a cab comes to pick him up. He's like, hello, cabbie.

I'm on the way to the Upper East Side. It's not a game show. It's a cab ride. I bet what his persona on Watch What Happens is akin to his party persona. Like when he shows up at a party or a social event, he's probably like, hey, you know, like that cute, fun gay who just wants to talk

about gossip and stuff. But I think that like his probably his one-on-one and his like work demeanor is probably much more serious. It's sort of like, I think that his one-on-one and his work demeanor is probably much more serious. I think his demeanor is closer to some of those glimpses you get on a reunion show where he gets exasperated by people or you see him tired or he tells people to shut up. I'm just seeing him get pushed down by Teresa Giudice. Yeah, I think that's what it is. Either way, he's a power gay. At the end of the day, he's a power gay at the end of the day he's a power gay

so he pretty much can fuck around until whenever he wants he is essentially the gay version of george clooney at this point i'm sorry the gays have a different scale like andy andy cohen is our george clooney well i don't get on scale and i'm not into george clooney either sexually i'm just saying like you know how like george clooney i mean no i don't i don't know no i don't get on scams. And I'm not into George Clooney either, sexually. I'm just saying, like, you know how, like, George Clooney... No, no, I don't. I don't know. No, I don't know.

No. I don't know. No, I just can't. I can't believe you did that. I actually, for the first time in four years, I've, like, forced you to put on earmuffs. I'm scrunching my face so hard, I look like that, uh... My name is Chilby. You know when people do that? Like, I'm pulling all of my face so hard I look like that. My name is Chilby. You know when people do that?

Like I'm pulling all of my face forward. You look like a new Snapchat face filter. Yes, with myself. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, so wow, watch what happens. Keep it classy over there. Yeah.

And LOL at Laura Linney because you're supposed to be classier, but you look like just as much of an ass, okay? Get over yourself, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. When I was in a play, yeah, and now you're in a thing with turtles, so shut up. Yeah, well, I think the reason why she's probably mentioning the play is because she's like, oh shit, I just whored myself out for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I need to get my actor cred up really quickly because I have an Oscar campaign to run in a few months, and I don't want this to be my Norbit. Yeah, Laura Linney's a great actor.

I just hate seeing people's real personalities on these shows, and usually I'm better at just not watching a late-night show because they're all assholes, you know? But, wow. Watch what happens. Wow. I mean, I have it on mute most of the time because I can't even listen to it because it's,

Wow! It's like 10 people wooing really loudly. And I just can't. But I kept it on mute and I feel like I still heard the same thing. She's Laura Linney and he played a little ninny. Welcome to Watch What Happens Live. Yeah. Well, my very first day as an intern on Conan O'Brien, which was my very first day as an intern ever, one of my tasks was to bring Laura Linney some coffee in her dressing room. sort of did a little bit of a Danny from Below Deck med because I said, by the way, I thought you were really great in Truman Show,

which, you know, is sort of unprofessional. Like, as an intern, you're supposed to just deliver the coffee and go. And she smiled at me so warmly and was like, oh, thank you so much. You're so sweet. I was like, thanks. And then I was like, wow, my first day as an intern was fantastic. I got to do all these things and I met

Laura Linney. Did she give you that look? Like, oh. Like, that smile. Like, thank you. Like, her head tilts. That's how she does it. She's like, thank you.

I'm so glad that you can see movies, even though you're too poor to see plays. Because I'm also in those. Well, she did do that but as a young uh i guess i was 19 as a young 19 year old with stars in my eyes who couldn't see past anything but a nice smile and a cocked head it was all i needed and when i got home that day uh when my friends were talking about how they were babysitting or they were working as lifeguards, I felt so cool walking and being like, well, I got coffee for Laura Linney today. I saved Laura Linney's life today. She didn't have that cup of coffee. She was going to jump off the building.

She was swimming in a pool of no caffeine until I gave her a life preserver in the form of a Dunkin' Donuts. Oh, God help us. Okay, so what's next, Ben? What else do you want to talk about today? How about... Drop it in the back. Pop a ring. That was our Prince tribute mailbag. Purple rain

That was our Prince tribute mailbag. Crap, it's a mailbag. Because all the people are still mad about Madonna. So that was our proper gay tribute to Prince. Purple rain Purple rain, purple rain Okay, hold on one second. I'm opening it up.

What's in the bag? It's opening up. Someone's texting me about Little Mermaid tickets. I'm like, excuse me, I'm podcasting. Little Mermaid tickets? Oh, the Broadway show? No, because you know they're performing it at the Hollywood Bowl. Sara Bareilles is Ariel.

I'm going. Well, how much is it? When is it? I want to go. Take me. Who are you going with? I'm going with my friends Matt and Eric. Lisa Timmons, our old friend Lisa Timmons.

And then my friend Wole is going. And just a bunch of people. You're like just everybody else that I know. I was invited. I did not spearhead these plans. I just said this. Whatever. I'm going to get a floor seat just to piss you guys off.

I'm going to be like, hey, Wally, I'm on the floor. Hope you're having fun back there. I can see the strings on these bitches. You know who I hear has an extra ticket? Laura Linney. So you better start being nice to her. Oh, God. She would.

She'd be like, I'm sorry i can't do your show today andy i'm at a play it's like it's a little mermaid doesn't count what are these things what do you call them again oh scripts no it's so funny this fork reminds me of when i was in tennessee williams glass menagerie that's actually her that's her version of the song. She actually says the whole thing before she gets back into the tune. Okay, so I'm sorry. Why don't we start a question?

Benjamin Cohen. Hello, Benjamin. Hello, Benjamin. We share the same name, and I assume the same religion. OCD is something that hides in plain sight on housewife shows which housewife do you think is the most prone to rituals which housewife needs to control situations the most bethany is disqualified as she's a neurotic mess my thoughts are below as to not pollute your thinking okay so he made this whole big space so you know we will scroll down after we say our

things that we'll scroll down and see what Benjamin thinks. So it's so funny because whenever we do the mailbag, whichever shows we're covering at the time are the ones that jump to mind first. So, of course, I immediately think of Jules because I feel like she has to be a little OCD to go with that eating disorder. And I'm not even saying that in a snarky way, but I think that she must. I think that Jules is like really lazy. I don't think she's anal about anything. Jules is one of those people who's anal about the maid.

You know, she'll be anal if somebody else is doing it. She'll be like, she didn't clean the windowsills. But she never actually does it. Yeah. Well, actually, Sonia is a little OCD, right? I mean, she's always bossing the interns around to get everything just right. Like, computer number three has to be plugged into the fourth a little OCD, right? I mean, she's always bossing the interns around to get everything just right. Like, computer number three has to be plugged into the fourth outlet on the wall, okay?

Sonia lives in Hurricane Katrina. Like, there's still a hurricane going. Her walls are still melting water. She's like, I'm staying. That's it. I'm staying. She's still packing her bag to go to the Superdome. She's like, okay, now let's just find my stockings

because we have to get to the stadium. Okay? Like, we have to. We have to get out of here soon, alright? It's a long drive. I think the most anal out of there would be Ramona. Really? I mean, yeah, not in a clean way, but in a, what did you do?

Like, how much? Did you get the dress? Like, did you get the shot? I started following Ramona on Snapchat because we're on there now. And so people are like, hey, follow Ramona. It's amazing. And so I did. And first off, it was hard to find her because it's Ramona M Singer. Okay, everybody.

It's not just Ramona Singer. Like, there's the trick. But I found her. Oh, my God, Ben. It's non-stop it's all day she's like here i am being interviewed by people on a podcast okay and she's never taking it herself so it's always like you know there's some teenage girl she borrowed from sonia's house that's got like a you know selfie stick always pointed in the other direction. Like, take the picture, okay? Okay. God, that's fucking obnoxious. I don't really like this Snapchat, okay?

I don't like things snapping at me, okay? How about just, like, adult conversation chat? She's so dumb. Okay, maybe she's not the most anal, because this is one of hers. She's like, guys, like, I'm here to tell you right now, okay? Dating is hard. Like, I've been dating, like, it's so hard, you guys been dating like it's so hard you guys like it's

really hard and that was her whole thing she had a green like i guess she hit the little crayon button and didn't know it and just kept hitting her own face or something because there was like green lines all over it like she and i think she must have seen it because it's all over her thing and she's like i don't even know what that is like yeah that's the exact opposite yeah she just sent it anyway and there's like all these lines all over and she's like dating am i right guys you know what i hate about dating it's all the green beans that's why i drew all of them on my snapchat um unless her ocd is that she's trying to get rid of smudges on her phone. And she's like, well, I don't care if there's green marks on my Snapchat.

I'm at least getting the smudges off my screen, okay? I think a really good candidate for OCD would be Heather Dubrow. Although it's hard because sometimes we may confuse bossy for OCD. But, oh, well, Shannon. Shannon Bedore is totally OCD. She is the most OCD of them all, but, oh, well, Shannon. Shannon Bedore is totally OCD. She is the most OCD of them all, right? Yeah. Yeah, Shannon, I think, would have to be.

You'd have three chairs in the foyer right now, David. David, why is there a fourth chair? David, seven lemons in the bowl. David, David. The obvious most anal one is the one who literally had a ghost in her anal cavity. Dr. Moon's ghost butt treatment or whatever. I thought a part of it broke off, David, but it turns out

it was in my head. It was mental debris that I had. David stuck his thumb out and my mental debris cleared out. She's very OCD about her rectum. Did he get to use his mental thumb? Nope. Real thumb. David, David, David never shrinks around me. David, David. Yeah, she's totally OCD.

She is the most OCD, I think, by far. I can't imagine anyone else being OCD. Okay, yeah, so Shannon. If I didn't know Leah Black, I would actually think she might be OCD. Yeah, she's really not. She's not, but if I only knew her from the TV show, I might think that she would. Leah Black doesn't even make her maid clean. I'm like, oh, Freda, I'm bringing you five entrees from the male's diner what are you doing nothing

great we're digging a pool for frida i love that the photo that she put on uh twitter this week it was a picture frida had purchased some tripe and it was in the fridge and leah black took a picture of the tripe and then just writes the caption frida are you serious i just can't frida i just can't with your tripe so let's see what benjamin cohen thinks in terms of ocd it's like newlywed game benjamin says shannon bedore is the most ocd oh what we win? When it comes to her rituals with her vitamins and reliance on feng shui, her house cannot have a single iota of radiation,

hence no cell phones or Wi-Fi. Karen Huger needs to control, needs control of the situation the most intensely of all the housewives. Her reaction when she couldn't get cherry blossoms for her party said it all.

It has to go her way with no compromise. I feel like Karenaren huger is not ocd i think she probably says she's ocd i think she just um she gets an idea in her head of what she wants and it's a ridiculous idea and then when it doesn't happen she gets mad because she wants her ideas to happen but i don't think that she like needs to have the cherry blossoms in order to have order in her life. Whereas I think that Shannon Medour would feel that way.

An asshole like Karen Hubert. Look, if you're an asshole, you can't complain about other people being dirty. You're an asshole. Yeah. So Sammy Suleiman says, So Ray looks like a guy who recently decided we should just be friends. While it made me sad about the whole, it eventually

made me feel better by showing me a Funhaus version of him. Is there anyone on these shows that resembles someone from your personal life and has maybe given you some catharsis? Also, in general, any dating advice for the young, gay, and out of their fucking mind?

I think this is a great question. First of all, we also have to say our own dear Michael Cook sent us a screen grab from Grindr. His friend's Grindr. Ray had hit on his friend

on Grindr. So the question about is Ray gay? At the very least, he's bi. Luann said that she had sex with him and we now have visual proof that Ray hit on this guy over Grindr. Poor Ray. God bless his heart. Wait, bitch. Who gave you

my Grindr picture? Who? Who? Who do you know on Grindr, bitch? Who do you know on Grindr, bitch? You bitch. Who do you know? Who do you know on Grindr, bitch? Who do you know on Grindr, bitch? You bitch. You bitch. Who do you know? Who do you know at Grindr, you bitch? I wasn't trying to hook up with your penis, bitch. I was trying to hook up with your charity. I help poor people on Grindr, okay? Wait, wait, wait. Top or bottom? Top or bottom, you bitch? Top or bottom? What are you, you bitch? Who or bottom? What are you, you bitch? Who?

Who? Trash. Trash. I'm in love with you, bitch. Like, we don't even know each other. It's just Grindr. Calm down. So, Sammy basically is saying, I was basically dumped or something broke up or something just didn't happen with a guy and who ray reminded him of and then he sees how much a mess ray is that it actually made him feel better he dodged a bullet you know i feel like i've totally had that happen on bravo or on tv before and i need to like think about that for a second because i know for sure there've been

moments i'm like oh you know what i'm glad it didn't work out with so-and-so because look at him being a mess. Well, the things that I have always related to on these shows because I usually pick someone or something to take my anger out on. And Beverly Hills helped a lot with that when the Kim addiction storyline was happening. I mean, I guess that is still happening. And I was raging. Like, there were two years where I would just fly into rages about it because I have stuff in my own family. And it actually helped. Like, a lot of the stuff I've talked about with you on this show has helped me in my real life.

Because it makes me work through my own issues. Good. Self-hating gays. I forget why we started talking about the self-hatred of the gays. But that was very cathartic for me. That went on for, like, a month. Why was that? Who was a self-hatred of the gays, but that was very cathartic for me. That went on for like a month. Why was that? Who was the self-hating gay on Bravo? Ray?

I don't know. I can't remember. I know that we talked about that. We talked about the self-hatred. Well, we talked about fashion queens, I think. Maybe it came up around then. I think it's just like general Bravo gays got us talking about it. Yeah, general Bravo gays. got us talking about it yeah general bravo gaze i'm trying to think because i i know for sure

that there was that there have been times when i've seen someone on bravo that reminded me of someone that i dated for a bit and then not even like a bit or like sometimes it's as simple as like we were texting and then all of a sudden it stopped and i felt like really sad like what did i do or whatever um here's one's one, I guess I can say, I don't know. This might be a stretch. Uh, I once like for like two seconds,

uh, dated a waiter from Fiesta Cantina, which is a gay bar in West Hollywood, like a low rent gay bar. And, um, he was cute, but like pretty like not bright.

And, uh, then it, it didn't work out. Obviously I was just planning to have fun with i was like my idea was oh i'm just gonna have fun with him and then i'm just gonna fizzle it out but then he fizzled me out and i was like oh i was like um and i think that maybe watching vanderpump rules was like you know what it's all for the best pretty young thing pretty young thing that's

i probably have dodged a bullet with that one but Oh, my God. Well, Vanderpump Rules gave me waiter pride because I waited tables forever. And so when I watched that, I was like, I'm such a good waiter in Los Angeles compared to any of these idiots that still don't know how to pronounce Chilean. someone who i did chat with for like a second who wound up being on a bravo show in some small way like some gay you know like background person was on for an episode or whatever and i was like who dodged a bullet with that one i just i can't remember um but i wish i had a better answer sammy uh but i literally learned lessons from everybody on bravo yeah i have like 20 people to list you're like oh but i fucked a guy that looked like somebody on there. I'm trying to remember who because I remember you telling me. Yeah.

You know, it's a great – it is a great feeling. There's such a sense of satisfaction when you're feeling bummed about someone who like lost interest in you or rejected you on some level or something just didn't work out. And you're like, damn it. you on some level and or something just didn't work out and you you're like damn it and then you see a version of them or you see them actually them on tv and you're like dodged a bullet dodged a bullet dodged bullet dodged bitch bullet dodged yeah it feels good actually that once happened to me uh and i didn't know why the guy uh had stopped someone just hung that's him that's him he's like hey i'm back no i didn't know why um why the guy i thought we were like rekindling something and then he sent this whole long text about now it's not the right time and yada yada yada it was so out of the

cruise crazy and i was like what the fuck like and i was really bummed and then like two months later i saw him in a porno and i was like oh i was like okay i feel better about the situation now i feel bad i feel like i dodged a bullet really people in pornos have jobs like i don't even care i'm like you're in a porno okay great you already got your fame fix so that's done and you have a job let's get married well you know me i'm a prude all right what else is in the bag he said also any general dating advice for the young gay and out of their fucking mind. I think have a standard. Standard.

But make sure you have a standard. I found that once I actually established some sort of standard that I wanted, it really helped. And what I mean by that is. Well, like to find a gay? What I mean by that is – Well, like to find a gay? I found that previously I would just sort of – if they look cute or whatever, I would be – I was like, yeah, let's do that. But eventually at one point I got so sick and tired of these Fiesta Cantina waiter types that I put on my OKCupid profile. I said – where it says like must-haves or whatever.

I said – I think we've discussed this. but I said, I want a college education. Now, I'm sorry, that sounds a little snobby. I know you didn't graduate, so I'm not trying to sound so shady like that. But the reason why I put that was because I was getting, there were so many people who had just like, who were just like, they had moved to LA with stars in in their eyes etc etc and uh i just found i needed to weed them out you know and of course there's a risk because then you know you know there you know someone like you ronnie you are super bright and funny and like full of charm and there was the risk that you know you weed out someone like you there's no risk there's no risk because people who need that you don't want to date me. And they don't.

Like I date them and they're like, really? They say, what do you do? And I'm like, really? Like just watch Bravo shows and make fun of them or write recaps. And they're like, yeah, but you're 40. Yeah, but you're very sharp. You're very sharp. And that's the thing. I mean, just because if you don't, if you didn't finish college does not mean that you're dumb or something like that.

You know, that has nothing to do with it. And if you finished college, it doesn't mean you're smart. But I found that I just, when it came to online dating, I needed to sort of like draw a line in the sand of saying, I just want this. And I found that for me, it was more of like a wavelength thing. I don't know. It was very strange.

It's almost like hard to say it, to talk about this without sounding just totally elitist and like a snob and a prick. So I get that. But I just found that on OkCupid, I was just getting like losers. And then the moment I said that, you know, the people who thought I was an asshole just didn't respond to me. And I, there were a lot of people who were like you know what like i really appreciate you like putting that out there and all of a sudden i got like a higher caliber and you know and it was great so my suggestion is have raised the standard have a standard have some like just start out with some standards i think that that's automatically yeah it doesn't have to be about education. It's about something and declare it and just feel good about it and hold true to it.

And I think it will also help you to say, okay, this is what I really want in someone. This person, well, they're attractive and everything and they don't have what I want. Then you just know you're not going to go for them because they don't have that really important thing that you want. Well, I don't think about relationships i learned to make fun so there i can't help you sorry well you know that's the thing you should say like must want to eat fun no i don't want to date someone who eats i just want to make it he doesn't have to like it i want him to work most of the time travel most of the time and just i don't know be really nice to me occasionally and then leave me alone like get out of here walk my dog yeah i think that there's certain yeah i think if you just you could say your standard could be

like for some people might be like i want to have sex all the time you know or something like i'm exhausted no it's too much um here is something that i'm very upset about though that does not have all that much to do to do to do with gay dating but it does have something to do with a gay weekend what the hell ticket master tickets to the little mermaid in concert the cheapest one this is the third balcony all the way in the back by where people pee when they get drunk i mean and by people i mean like me and my friends 80 okay80. Okay. And then. It's ridiculous. They go to $350 for The Little Mermaid.

You can see that shit for free on Netflix. Yeah. It was originally, I think, just going to be one show. And it sold out. It sold out before tickets went on sale. Because they had like a pre-sale event. And it sold out there. So they added another

show and that sold out immediately then they added a third show and i don't know if that sold out or not well i may be refusing to date but that doesn't mean i still can't tell someone to suck my dick and that's you little mermaid in concert you need to find a sugar daddy he'll just like uh get you oh no i had one one time. They're horrible. Oh, yeah, you did mention it. They're so bossy. I love that. The only time I've been in Abercrombie, like, that it wasn't a joke.

I was like, are you kidding? No way. All you need is a little plaid, maybe some collars. I was like, no, go to hell. Die. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, so Lauren Green says,

My new hobby is to try and figure out the origin story of Bravo-Liberty relationships that seem doomed. I wonder what they were thinking when they first got together. Brandy from Dallas and her ginger minge were high school sweethearts. She said she got with him to make someone jealous. He was probably so incredulous that this hot cheerleader wanted anything to do with him that he ignored the fact that they had nothing in common and he had no real respect for her until now. What Bravo couple do you have an origin story for beyond hot one, rich one pairing? If you can think of any off the top of your head, what do you think the Juicy Joe and Teresa early dating days were like? Oh, my God.

I think Teresa and Joe probably just like banged when they were kids, you know, like at some cousin party or something. And then, you know, like the cousins were playing, put your penis through the closet door hole or whatever. And they were just being silly. And then they fell in love and then they started having sex up against trees at family reunions and stuff. And people were like, oh, okay, well, you know, we support it. Because, I i mean what else are you gonna say yeah and like back alleys of behind the arcade on the jersey beach i think

that's a pretty that's a pretty clear-cut origin story right there it's i never saw that billy joel musical but i feel like it's probably the story of of like tree and joe yeah but with with like more dancing yeah uh what would be what do you think the i mean it's really you know for lauren to say excluding the the hot one rich one pairing that's a that's sort of the way a lot of them go yeah i was like thinking sonia and her man that's probably like hot one rich one uh what about if she was she was getting pissed on on some boat in saudi arabia when she met her goldsmith. What are they called?

Like the Goldman Sachs or whatever. Who is she married to? Morgan. From a Morgan Stanley. Yeah. So there you go. Who else? What about Caroline Manzo and her husband?

I mean, some think that they are doomed. I don't... Well, they might be doomed, but I don't think they're like a big fake origin story. Because I think we've seen it on New Jersey. She's yeah well my husband like he had this place and then i would go there and i would stay there in my jeans and then now i don't like that's the whole or it's so boring she's like i asked for more bread and this fat guy gave it to me so i sired like 10 children with them yeah i can't really i'm trying to think of what other um which which other ones are doomed and they're all it's all like rich guy pretty woman i mean across the board i would say

i think everybody on these shows is doomed i think every single marriage on these shows is doomed i think the only one that's probably not is the vanderpump one and only because like he could die at any minute so even if he was really mean she would just you know hang on until he left because you know she's patient here's one uh that might be a little slightly different than um rich guy pretty woman but probably still is that um katie from potomac and andrew of course that's rich guy. But she's rich too. Katie from. Oh no. She just wants.

She's not rich. I was thinking about. The dumb one. No that's Ashley. No. This is Katie. Katie and her. I think.

That was a situation where. She wants a man. She wants a father for her kids. He. Needed a beard of some sort. And. So it just seemed to work out pretty well. And then it was like way more than he asked for.

And I think that he probably did not like having a sexuality questioned on a national level. And then dumped her ass. I feel like that's pretty – on top of the rich – he's also probably wealthy. I mean he's rich enough i guess i don't know i judge by their home so i can't really tell yeah he he has like a condo or whatever yeah so lauren i think the answer to your question is the origin story is always rich guy pretty woman yeah that's how they get on this show yeah it's like they get the women when they're just about to turn they're like okay we finished all the we did all we've used this rich guy up and we're ready to spit him out. And now it's time to be famous on Instagram.

but I guess I'll keep this one light. In honor of Heather Dubrow's world and Brandy Unfiltered, could you both pick one of the following and debate slash describe how they would debate which housewives would get their own podcast and what would be the theme? So Ramona versus Shannon Bedore, which one would get a podcast, I guess, and what would the theme be? Those would be two amazing podcasts, by the way. Those would be.

Okay, let's just do those two. Ramona would have a podcast and she would never. It would be advice. I don't even think it would be that. I think it would be about. She'd be like, welcome to the travel show with Ramona because I'd like to travel. Okay. Today I went to the store and then it would just be nothing about travel ever.

And then she would be like, I have my guest on today. Today, my guest is the lady from the travel office. Hi lady, what do you think of my dress, okay? It's only just a mess, am I right? Like she would never just stop complaining or talking or being too loud. Like nothing would ever get done, but I would still listen to every hour of it.

Yeah, I feel like it would be very similar to Patty Stanger's podcast where someone call and say, Hey Ramona, I'm having some issues. You know, I'm thinking about getting some yellow plates like yours. Which ones do you recommend? Whoa, that's crazy. Okay. Because you know, I love plates too. And I just got some, they remind me of sunshine. And when I was a little girl, I used to love going out in the sunshine because who likes to go out on a cloudy day? Well, it's crazy. That reminds me. I remember one time when I was a little girl, I remember that going out on a cloudy day and I said, I hope the sun comes out. And then Geraldine Parsons-Smith

said, no, I hope it rains on your head and I'm not going to give you an umbrella. And to this day, I still always take an umbrella wherever I go because I know Geraldine Parsons-Smith will never give me an umbrella. Okay, it's day class A. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Anyway, I'm renewed. We'd like to thank our sponsor, Parachute Sheets. Like, you know who needs a parachute?

Sonya, because she's like an alcoholic and she needs a sponsor, okay? She'd like never sell anything. Be like, wait a second. Where do I get the sheets? Who needs sheets? Like, seriously, you have to be a loser not to have sheets, okay? Who needs sheets? Like, seriously, you have to be a loser not to have sheets, okay?

And then meanwhile, Shannon Bedore's podcast would be like a reverse Colin. It would be a call-out podcast where every two minutes she'd call David. David? David. David, are you still in the kitchen? Okay, just checking. Just checking. David?

David, are you on the beach? Did you see the woman on the beach? David? David. David, I'm not sure if you know that you're ten minutes late, but you told me you would be home 10 minutes ago. So it's just me calling to make sure you're not dead on the side of the road somewhere and possibly coming home and not having sex with someone that you met at the beach and are lying about it. So I hope that you come home soon and you're, you know, not full of lies and betrayal. Hello. Hello, this is Shannon Bedore calling.

I'm calling to see if my husband, David Bedore, is at your gastropub eating a sugary dish. Please call me back as your soonest availability, because we need to know the answer. This is an emergency, David. Hello, Bunny Ranch. I'm assuming that you don't really sell bunnies. Could you please ask

over the intercom if David Bedore is there, please? Hello, this is Shannon Bedore calling from the Shannon Bedore podcast. And I'm calling to see if my husband David Bedore is at your sushi bar drinking tequila, something that he never does in front of me. But maybe he's doing it there because I'm not there. Hello, funeral home. This is Shannon Bedore. home this is shannon bedore i am calling to plan a funeral for myself and david's marriage which has lived for a certain number of years before it got oh david's here never mind okay

i'll keep your number hello this is shannon bedore i'm calling for whoever is responsible at the pentagon for uh knowing that the truth will come out, and it has come out. Thank you very much. Just call me back. Hello, is this customer service at MyFitnessPal? I just wanted to know which is more fattening, steak or salad? That's my favorite Shannon Bedora moment ever. What's more fattening, the steak or the salad? Hello, is this Depends? This is Shannon Bedora calling, and I'm calling because I have an issue.

If I run, I pee in my pants. I've got my Depends on. Unfortunately, I can't Depends on David. Sometimes I wear Depends not to stop the peeing. I wear it because sometimes I wonder if I'm still going to be married when I get home, because it all depends on David and if he's cheating again. Oh my god.

Alright. There are more questions, but we have to get on with the show, so we will the rest of you who did not get your questions answered we will get to them next week, we promise. And that's a lot oh we've got a big old show today there's real housewives of new york tour group below deck

in the mediterranean such a good many things we have to talk about New York City. We have to. Well, you know what? I think that first I need to tell you, Ben, I know that sometimes you look at me and you're like, Ronnie is a web designer. But let me tell you what, Ben, hardly. Hardly. But I do create fantastic looking websites. You know why? Because I use Weebly. OK, I still cannot believe how easy Weebly makes it.

Yeah. Because I use Weebly, okay? I still cannot believe how easy Weebly makes it. Yeah, well, you know, that's because Weebly was created for people with the courage to start their own business and to dream of being their own boss, okay? Again, you don't need to be a web designer or even know how to code. You just have to know a code, a dial-in code, to make sure that David is not cheating in a hotel room. You don't even have to learn a code. You just need to go on Weebly To create a beautiful website, blog Or online store Sweet We were all very impressed with the wide variety of professionally designed

And mobile friendly themes to choose from We were as impressed as much as we were unimpressed By David's recent behavior David You just simply drag and drop to quickly build and publish your site Kind of like David Drags a hooker off the street, drops her into a random hotel room bed,

and ruins my life. And you can truly customize, update, and change your site anytime you want on any device. However, I would like to say that Gmail is strictly prohibited in the Bedore household. Listen, changing your website is not the same as changing your marriage, okay? It shouldn't be that easy in marriage as it is in Weebly.

Join the over 30 million people who are already dreaming big with Weebly. Get started today for free at weebly.com slash watch. That's W-E-E-B-L-Y dot com slash watch. weebly.com slash watch. David. David. David. David. David, are you watching? It's easier to build a website on Weebly

than it is for David to hook up with that woman on the beach. And that's very easy. Oh, lordy. Love that Weebly. So let's get on to some Real Housewives of New York City. I watched it about an hour ago and uh i was watching it and i was just overwhelmed with joy it's just so good so good you know we watch these shows all week long

as as do the listeners of course we all do we're all the big crap and family we all watch these shows and you know new york city is the last in the lineup in the week, right? I guess motherhood is the last, but whatever. New York City is the last. And it's just like the cherry on top. It's just – it's the main event. So funny. These personalities, it's like every minute there is something hilarious going on between the women and the editors.

It's hard to even describe it. You know, like a foing one. I get better with time, okay? Okay. The women and the editors. It's hard to even describe it. You know, like a foing woing. Oh, I get better with time. Okay. Okay. So whose dick is Jonathan Adler sucking at Bravo? Because his story is always on Bravo.

Well, he is a former Bravo star. Yeah, but. He was one of the judges on Top Design. Don't you remember his famous tagline? See you later, decorator. See you later, decorator. That was so funny. I forgot about it. I recapped that first season.

Thank you very much. Season two was so good. I still miss India Hicks and her cruelest of the cruel goodbye lines. It was something like, your design did not measure up you're going home it's like nothing cute about it just like you're gone i have bought some wall filler but unfortunately you're a gaping hole that cannot be filled please leave you're going home see you later ala designers stupid jonathan adler. Jonathan Adler would go and like give a little hook. Oh, here's the India Hicks thing.

This is also one of my favorite send-off lines. Serge. We can't live with your design. You're going home. It's like, it's so bad she they can't even live with it we can't live with your design you are like a a galley kitchen we are knocking down your walls and creating an open space please leave because because they were trying you know it was in that time when everyone had really silly um send-off lines in after project runway because you know project runway was in that time when everyone had really silly send-off lines after Project Runway.

Because, you know, Project Runway was, you know, in fashion, you're either in or you're out. Today, you're out. You're stupid. I'm sorry. You're out. But there's, like, something sort of cute about that, you know? But this one's just like, we can't live with you. You're going home.

I'm sorry. You're just awful like top chef i wish they would do that with top chef and just make them really creative like gail could be like burnt charred eggs you're out do you remember that tommy hill figure um show yeah where he got sperm all over mj's face and then talked about it for an hour? Sorry, that's Shots of Sunset, Tommy. It was something about, like, it was like a fake Project Runway. And they had some awful send-off line that was like, The runway is open and you have to walk down it, but we don't like you,

so please keep on walking down and go out the door because we don't want to ever see you again. It's like long and convoluted. That guy is still selling plaid for $500. I mean, who does that? Still. He's like, look, it's an American star and some plaid. That'll be $500 at the Nordstrom's.

Tommy Hilfiger. More like Tommy No-Figure. All right. figure more like tommy no figure all right so real housewives of new york starts out in a jonathan adler store with dorinda and jules shopping and of course dorit jules is like i'm stupid and dorinda's like i'm just trying to be cool but ramones means a jam but this was killing me because she's like oh look look it's a tv it's a TV tray. Look, Jules, you got a TV tray? You need a TV tray? And Jules is like, I don't even know what a TV tray is. Is that Asian or Jewish?

Because otherwise I don't know it. And then they look at the iconic Jonathan Adler art that's all those boobs made into vases. It's like boob vases. And Dorinda goes, boobs. She's like, see you later, decorator. Jonathan Adler, you're a boob. All right, go. You're gone.

Jules, I can't live with this design. You're going home. Jules, your boobs missing my boob party. And you can tell on this vase. You're out. You're out, Missy. Get out. I tried again, Jules.

Richard always loved boobs. Oh, look, there's Richard right now! It's a sign from Richard. Is there a penny nearby? Saying hi. When Dorinda sees the boob thing, she goes, boobs? Like, that's been done, right? Yeah, like, Venus and Milo already, okay? What, are you guys the only

people who are still allowed to be obsessed over fake boobs that could possibly hold flowers? Yeah. To be fair, it is ridiculous, Vaz. I'm sorry. Well, you can't say that while you're wearing a sweatshirt covered in safety pins for no reason. The dry cleaning business isn't all about dry cleaning, you know? Sometimes you gotta hold a hole together while someone else sews it. Listen, I can be a

one-woman Pinterest, okay? People love me on Pinterest, but they just keep pinning on my wall. Like, that's your sweatshirt. Still. Hey, better to be safe than sorry, so I put a lot of safety pins on, okay? So you better

back the fuck up. Just in case you ever need to turn a basket into a light. Like, what? That has nothing to do with the safety pins on okay so you better back the fuck up just in case you ever need to turn a basket into a light like what that has nothing to do with the safety pins on your shirt cray cray hey you can dance if you want to i love the safety pin song dorinda telling the story to jules is so funny she's like that party was crazy and jules was like i don't even know what a party is and she's like well you remember that remember that dry cleaner we were there? It's like, yeah. Well, John was being a prince with Ramona.

You know, he's just like, hello, Ramona. Can I get you a drink? Like, you got a spot? You need a couch cleaned? He made sure not to say the word moist in front of him in a joking way, which took a lot of restraint for him okay so you better back it up ramona and jules has no idea what to even say to her because john is so fucking horrible and then dorinda just starts with her random sayings she's like once

twitting twice shy am i right what and then um then she's like you know i think that maybe you're just like maybe ramona just likes John. I think that's what it is. Maybe they just have to have sex and get it over with. And Jules is like, what? She's like. She's trying to, like, disappear into the Jonathan Adler patterns like Homer Simpson disappearing into the hedges in that one gif. Jules is, like, trying to push herself up against the wall.

Why are you telling the woman who's the most afraid of fat like how everybody wants to fuck it? That's like putting a nightmare in her head. Yeah. Listen, we think Ramona's crazy. We don't think she's that crazy. Look, my mom said you got to have people who warn you. They warn you like a fire. But if they start you on fire, that's when you got to back it up, missy.

Your mom told you not to be friends with people who start you on fire. Well, what a great job. I hope you sent her some some books. My mom always said that even though Christmas is the best time of the year, you want to treat every day like it's Hanukkah because you want to always have eight friends who maybe are on fire, who could warn you and remind you of the miracles of life and of life, but then you don't want to touch the menorah because otherwise you'll get burned. And Jules is like, oh my god, I think Asian people said that too. Like, that comes

from an Asian place. Okay, both of you, shut up. Yeah. So then Dorinda is so Bethany is going, having a party that night, so Dorinda says that she's going. She doesn't really want to go because she doesn't want to see Ramona. But she's like, but I'm going to go because I care for Bethany. I care for her.

You're a hero, American hero. Good for you. Bethany's sitting over there worried as hell. She's like, I hope Dorinda came. I hope Dorinda comes in case my interns want to watch me yell at somebody in the middle of the office. So then we do actually go to Bethany's party. It's setting up. It's a caviar party.

And there's a waitress who's like, imagine Princess Elsa if she were like a 1920s speakeasy selling cigarettes. And so Bethany's like, wait, so what's the matter? What's the matter? Why is she dressed like Elsa? Why is she dressed like you? Why is she dressed like Morticia Adams? Like, I don't get it. Like, what's going on? I don't understand. Like, what does this have to What's the matter? Why is she dressed like Elsa? Why is she dressed like you? Why is she dressed like a Morticia Adams? I don't get it. What's going on?

I don't understand. What does this have to do with the caviar? I don't get it. She's blue, blue is cold. I get that caviar is served cold but I don't get the whole thing. Is it slutty?

Is it nauseous? Is she a waitress? Literally I can't. Literally I'm dead. Kill me right now. Literally I'll be on the floor dying and just build a wall around me and don't let

Kristen take me in. Okay? What are you Elsa? Oh you have a different name so you're not Elsa but you're just like Elsa and wall around me and don't let Kristen take me in. Okay? Like, what are you, Elsa? Oh, you have a different name, so you're not Elsa, but you're just like Elsa and you're like here, like doing Elsa things, like giving people eyes. Like, what are you? You're a fraud, okay?

You're a fraud. You're a nothing, okay? You're a nothing. She's just like telling off this poor theater waiter. You know what I call you? I call you a cheater brand, okay? You're not even Elsa. You're like, if then Elsa, okay?

That's what you are, okay? You're a cheater Disney brand, okay? You're not even Elsa. You're like, if then Elsa. Okay? That's what you are. Okay? You're a cheetah Disney brand. Okay? You're not like Frozen. You're like defrosted. Okay? Like I've had enough. Like enough.

You're like, what are you, Flicky Louse? Like get out of here. You're an idiot. Like you're a fraud. Okay? I'm going to ruin you. This is in Norway. Okay?

Like I don't even know why you're here. Like you should be in Norway. Like doing things on like lakes. You know? Like enough. Like touch something. Turn it into an ice cube. Okay? Like then I'll be impressed. But like until then, like enough. Like literally I can't. Like you're here like you should be norway like doing things on on like lakes you know like enough like turn touch something turn into an ice cube okay like then i'll be impressed but like until then like enough like literally i can't like you're a fraud like i don't have anything to do with you

i'll be nice to you but you're a fraud okay i can make an ice castle quicker with my coach than you could make like with your fingers in like 20 hours so whatever salsa so this was also a psychic moment for us because just two weeks ago, we spent like 30 minutes as people being Elsa. And one of them was Bethany as Elsa. And you go, just, you know what? Let it go. Let it go. You know what?

Don't make a snowman. Make some caviar. Okay? That's all I ask. Right? Like skinny princess. And then they're telling these new girl, these new

random friends of, they're like, wait until you meet Jules, okay? Like, she's ridiculous. Like, she's gonna come in and she's gonna talk about being Asian. Like, it's all she can talk about. Like, just wait for it. Just wait for it. And Jules enters and she's like, sorry for being late. I hope you guys haven't felt like you're waiting for Christ this whole time like i know how that feels like oh you know me i'm on aj i'm on ajtt

you know asian jew time i hope you don't mind that i'm late but you know like where i come from we serve on christmas like we'll we'll make you dinner on christ. Just sit down, okay? We don't want to hear about your cashew chicken holla or whatever. So intercut with this is Luanne and Sonia getting drinks. And we now get into the rehashing. We get into the rehashing of last episode because actually even before we cut to them, Ramona walks into Bethany's party and goes, oh, my God. Okay. I need one of those margaritas, you know, with the pepper around the rib. You know, one of those, like, what do you call them?

Spicy margarita? Like, one of those. Like, whoa. It's crazy. Because I was thinking I want something spicy and I want a margarita. So the fact that you have a spicy margarita, whoa, crazy. And I want some water. And I want some pinot grigio.

Because I have a story to tell you. And then it cuts to Luann and Sonia. You need a rip job, huh? Ha! Ramona needs some. Let's go. You need a rent job, huh? Ha! Ramona needs a... Bethany. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- man who was you know like he was out of control so i was like okay well and so the man's like well i went off with him a few times and realized he wasn't for me i'm like yeah you mean because he's gay because you had already used his money to go to a trip and like you you're done with him now

because that's basically what she's saying she's like i met this guy he took me to abiza and then i'm like done with him no you're not you took everything out of his wallet on that night Stan that's probably why he's still calling you he's like do you have my dry cleaning slip bitch I really want that jacket back please trash hey bitch where's my valet ticket I still can't retrieve my beamer hey I was just about to get my fifth free subway the subway did you take my frequent flyer card bitch hey bitch i was just about to get a free sunday at 16 and a half handles whatever it's called 16 handles you bitch who told you what it was really called you bitch luann is the biggest liar and you can tell when luann's lying

uh just because you can tell like we've seen her do it so many times and she looks so shaky she's like mommy it was once or twice. I mean, maybe twice. And Sonia's like, that's not a one-night stand. That's like a five-night stand and a wedding cake. Okay. Like, stupid Sonia. Like, whatever saying she had.

Yeah. But it was not a five. She's like, and then I came to New York and I never saw him. Well, maybe one time I saw him. Okay. One time I saw him again. Well, I liked how Luann said, well, you know, I realize that there's something off about this person. I mean, he's a hot mess.

I just like how she just upgrades it from very polite from there's something a little off to, no, he's actually a full disaster. Like, really, what made you realize that, Luanne? Like, how hard did you have to look to find that out? He probably is on an allowance from his trust fund or something, and that's when she found out he was a mess. She's like, what? You're not paying for dinner? I'm out.

You're dead to me. Bitch. Sonia is so. Trash, Luann. Trash. Sonia is so stupid and full of herself, too, and I love Sonia, but Sonia, oh, my God. The waiter brings them.

They're ordering drinks, and Luann's like, no vodka for her. Okay. She doesn't need vodka. Maybe some rosé. I love when people differentiate. Rosé is so much better than vodka. You don't get drunk on that. And Sonia goes, oh, thank you for the rosé. Nice color

on that. It's like a Shirley Temple. Yeah. Wow, lovely color. You know what you're talking about sonia so while while sonia enjoys her deeply hued rose we then i'm sorry just saw this i thought something was off about this person hot mess i'm too old for that shit and sonia goes that's for sure and he keeps screaming so funny i love him so then meanwhile ramona's telling her version and my favorite thing as she's talking about the mess of the party she talks about when john put his hands in her face

and so she does it she has john putting both hands and she goes and i said please don't put your hand in my face please don't put your hand in my face. Please don't put your hand in my face. They cut to it and she's like, get your hand out of my face. I never want to be in presence of her again. And also the way she's telling the story, she's got both hands right up in her face and she's pushing like one of those saving a choking victim videos.

Like she's hitting someone's chest, but in your face. And she's like, oh, he's so fat and sweaty. Okay. Like there were these like big, gigantic fat hands. And they were like sweating my face. Okay. Like I just can't without like, who does that?

Am I right? I just, I just loved how Ramona's version is like, she was testifying at a congressional panel and John was a monster. As opposed to reality, which is that she was the one who was actually red in the face and and John was a monster as opposed to reality which is that she was the one who was actually red in the face and her hair was going back and forth because she was so mad at the situation that she put herself into

and then Jules of course is like I have another version of the story and everyone's like whatever let's just like ignore her she's like it's a little more Jewish and a little bit more Asian this is like Just like ignore her. She's like, it's a little more Jewish and a little bit more Asian. This is like cashew chicken, but with some matzah on top. So I was eating some sushi on my matzah.

I wasn't even at that party, but the trial nanny I had was waiting in line at the bar. And she told me my nightmare version of myself was there like kicking out ramona great story i was still in the back putting on my kimono which almost got caught in fire by the menorah when dot dot dot and then dorinda comes in another metallic awful thing she's wearing like some crazy bedazzled shirt or whatever wait did i miss uh basically sonia and luana start talking about how shady ramona is i don't remember what the specifics of that shadiness were but they just said that she's they just were going in on ramona and then yeah dorinda walks in and that's when jules is starting to tell her story and then dorinda walks in and then it's when ramona, no, stop, stop, stop, stop.

I like when they're so stupid that they don't even know that they're making jokes. Like Ramona's like, oh my God, Jules, stop talking about Dorinda, okay? Like I don't want an alteration. I am not going to take this story in for an alteration at Madame Paulette. I'm not ready to hand my pants right now, okay? I haven't even started my water yet, okay?

Our relationship is stained, and there's nothing that John can do at Madame Paulette to fix it. Bethany takes, when Dorinda gets there, Bethany takes her over to the side privately like look i don't want you to be scared elsa's here you're gonna be okay it's like yeah well you know what i just feel lost like i just like get this anxiety like for four years i had my shit together now like i feel like crazy like i'm breaking out like i have so much responsibility what is your you have to like i got a piano with a transition i'm like is she turning into a man what's happening the only thing that's like explainable about that relationship she's like an innocent transition it's like those eyebrows suddenly

make sense to america i just love that dorinda can't even get out of the foyer before she's already on bethany's talk show and crying It's like the sad sock puppet face is out in full force. Failure weighs heavy on me, Bethany. Like, it's so heavy. Like, failure. Like, it's on top of me, sweating down on me. It smells like prosciutto. You know? Like, it smells like prosciutto.

You know what I mean? It's like, that's John. You know? Still. I have so much going on. Now, I don't want you to be alarmed because Elsa's in there Still. I have so much going on. Now, I don't want you to be alarmed because Elsa's in there, but I have some news about John. He was raised by little trolls who live under rocks, okay? Hey, I'd love to watch you cry, but do that outside, okay? Talk to human resources on your way out, okay, Ben?

And don't frighten the reindeer. He's a very timid reindeer. All right, thanks for coming by. Here's a lollipop durinda's so nuts so then ramona's like watching all of this over at the caviar tin scooping it out no one else is eating the caviar so i'm gonna do it like there there i'm gonna go okay like i'm gonna you you put a tin of caviar in front of me like what am i gonna do like not eat it no i'm gonna like eat it that tin cost

like 500 and she just full-on scooped up half of it onto her onto her blini and you know what i was so jealous because that's like my fantasy my fantasy is to be wealthy enough to just like eat caviar just by the spoonful what are eggs? Like, have you never heard of pizza? Like, this is crazy. Like, Bethany, this thing's crazy. This is crazy. Like, why are we having fish eggs? I thought we were gonna have sushi. This is crazy. It's Beluga? Beluga?

Is that an actor? Is that like Dom DeLuise? Beluga? Dom Beluga? I don't know. I don't get it. It's crazy. That's the way I'm stated. Well, the best, so then dorinda walks in finally she like gets out of the talk show she emerged she starts hugging everyone and ramona is just trying to sweep everything under the under the under the rug so she's like hey you want caviar you want caviar hey dorinda you want caviar okay yeah i'm fine, you want caviar? Okay. Yeah, I'm fine, Ramona. Like, you know, no, I'm fine.

It's all right, Ramona. She's going to try and heal me with her love. Ramona's trying to feed me with her love right now. Little does she realize I'm already overfed from John. So then speaking of feeding, you know, eventually Carol shows up and others. And Ramona is still eating the caviar off her blinis. I'm just going to pretend it's honky dory. And then the music goes.

Stupid. Scored by Ramona. And then Jules, Jules, like licks the caviar off of a blini. I'm like, you know, I understand you're trying to be low carb, but you can actually afford to take on a carb. It'll be okay. And a blini, it's a buckwheat pancake. It's the size of a quarter. You can take it.

It's not going to destroy your diet. Well, if she could get that goddamn body dysmorphia out her head and they'd stop inviting John places. She's like, I want to get better, but I can't stop seeing myself. I can't stop seeing my nightmare version of myself. Yes, John! Clean your couch. You better eat my famous lasagna. That's what I gotta say.

You better back it up and eat my lasagna. I started making myself laugh so hard every time I thought about Jules seeing John and thinking it's just her nightmare version of herself. Spaghetti and meatball. That's what the two of them are. This whole season is just Jules being crazy.

So then Dorinda is inviting everyone up to the brochures. She's having a weekend, inviting everyone up. She's saying everyone has to come up. She wants to make a famous lasagna, which is going to be disaster, which is basically going to be like – I don't even know what her famous lasagna is going to be. It's going to be like two layers of lasagna noodles with vodka inside.

It's going to be from vodka. Vodka and some salsa. Here's some olives. And between the olives is a glass of vodka. Like, what the hell? And a picture of us growing up in the Berkshires together. Dorinda, Dorinda. Dorinda ain't making lasagna.

You know, because everything she serves is like, look, it's croissants that I got from the Ralphs. It's not even like nice croissants. They're those croissants they make out of white sandwich bread, but then they put them in a croissant shaper. She's like, put some plastic on those. That's what she was serving, stuff from the grocery store. And I know all that stuff

because I would serve it too, but I'm a poor person. She's like, I make all this. I've been cooking all day. But not kidding. Those were made in a shake pan. Has Dorinda ever cooked anything in the history of Real Housewives? That's the thing that's so funny, that she all of a sudden out of nowhere has a famous lasagna. A lasagna is so famous we've never actually even heard of it before.

She's like, it only has one ingredient. It's like a lean cuisine thing. You take it out of the box, you put it in the oven. It's like so famous and it's lean. But the thing is You take it out of the box. You put it in the oven. It's like so famous. It's lean. But the thing is that she's not inviting Sonia. She's declared that she's not inviting Sonia. She's inviting everyone but Sonia, which is such a mean girl move.

But she's doing it because she wants Bethany to come. And she knows that if she invites Sonia, Bethany probably said she wouldn't come if Sonia comes. Yep. And that's really shitty especially because everybody else on this show has done shittier things like yeah so what bethany's gonna yell at someone either way just let it be sonia save everybody else yeah exactly and then carol what a hypocrite i love that carol has no sense of self it's hilarious to me but she's like oh gosh i mean i think dorinda wait oh no because they were talking about luann's date right what did they start talking about because dorinda's berkshire weekend no sony

invite because bethany if there's drinking there's tension you know she doesn't need to be around the drinking yeah i was like are you going to disinvite yourself then is that what's happening if it's drinking there's tension you know what i mean like i just don't think it's healthy for her and then carol's like yeah well i don't feel comfortable with luann it's like yeah you don't get as many likes as bethany so i don't care yeah so it's like carol's not gonna get her and she won't let stuff going with luann and this and that and then dorinda's like look i'm gonna need you there to protect me from ramona okay and? And then Carol actually goes, you know, this is crazy, the stuff between Ramona and Dorinda. Like, two women breaking up over some guy?

That would be sad. Yeah. You know that's why you're fighting with Luann, right? Right. You fucking moron. Hello? And you know that, yeah, exactly. And Luann, in her own weird way,

did try to extend an olive branch. I mean, Luann, we all are on your side, Carol. Luann was the one who went batshit crazy and was ridiculous over the situation, and she didn't really apologize. But you also just, it's just, just move on. Because you're the, Carol,

you're like the cool one that the audience has generally liked, so it just makes you look bad to still be bringing up. Just like laugh it off and say whatever. She's not worth my time. Listen, Carol, you have a baby now. It's time to be more mature. And by the way, we're like only five minutes into the episode. That's the best part.

That so much happens. Like, I just love this show. This show, so much of it is just like little signs they are little lines they say on the side like that caroline or just like little what you want a ram chap i have to like pause it to go back to right bad most i know so then dorinda and ramona meanwhile they they wind up at the same table and they sort of make up and it's the same makeup as usual Ramona's like no we're gonna work this out like you got me you're stuck with me okay so we're gonna be friends for a long time Dorinda

okay and Dorinda's like I believe in forgiveness okay okay okay okay and then everything is like they make up but then Dorinda's really like it's time Ramona to fix things so you know we'll see they'll have probably about 10 more explosions they're doing a secret Santa at the party because it's a Christmas party.

Dorinda, I guess, got a Thighmaster for Bethany. And she's obsessed. I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed with this right now. And Ramona's like, oh, my God. Like, it's a Thighmaster? Like, should I use it for my vagina? Yes.

Meanwhile, I'm shocked that everyone didn't receive little gift bags of skinny girl cookies i was like this is a secret santa in bethany's world means just getting rid of excess inventory the secret is that santa lost weight and now he's a skinny girl okay literally like like i have the thigh master like like i don't get it like i'm obsessed with it but i don't get it like it's a it's not a thigh it's not my master so like like what are you supposed to do like suzanne summers it's winter like i don't get it like what's going on hey what is that sam over there like he looks ridiculous it looks like quick sprinkle can we get like a hat that doesn't look like that like she changes all of santa santa's like children have been ruined

for christmas forever christmas has been ruined for children forever. Hey, Santa, you know what? You know what? You're using my colors, and you know what I call you? A cheater brand. Okay? So, like, literally, like, I could be cordial to you at the holidays, but that's it. You're a fraud. You're stupid. You're not even real. And I don't ever want to see you again. Whenever we would be friends again, okay, like, I've had enough. Like, literally, like, this is my color. Get off it. Okay, like, come here now.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, you skinny cow! Ah, there you go! There you go! What are you saying, Santa? Huh? Was it with fat guys attacking me? Actually, Santa, if you knew your business, you would know that skinny cow and skinny girl are two different things. But Santa Claus is a cheater brand. So you know what?

Like, literally, I can't. Like, literally, like, if you ask me again about the colors, like, literally, I'm going to just kill me now. I'll be on the floor. I'll be, like, crying. Like, literally, don't put hummus in my stocking, okay? I can't. Like, literally, you stole your name from, like, Mexican saints and, like, the things that cats have to, like, scratch posts. So, like, cheetah brand Santa Claus, okay?

Literally, like, you're not even, like, a full-fledged sentence. You're just a clause. Like, I can't. Like, just do, like, be a full sentence, okay? Then maybe I'll understand you, okay? Like, I'm sorry. It's just too much, okay? I can't.

I can't right now. Okay, yeah. So that's the makeup. I love you in my life, and? Like, I'm sorry. It's just too much. Okay, I can't. I can't right now. Okay, yeah. So that's the makeup. I love you in my life, and so we'll figure it out. So fuck you, okay? Okay. Sonia and Luann in the morning. Yeah, morning in Grey Gardens.

Yeah, morning in Hurricane Katrina. So there's still no there's still no heat, and so they're wearing fur coats yeah and luann's like what do you don't you don't have heat i mean come on sonia really no heat ah who needs the heat like it's good for your skin like i do it on purpose like i don't even like heat like a liar we used to have heat but we sent we sent pickles into the heating duct and she never came back it smelled funky in here for a few years. But, you know, I think the heat will come back soon.

Did you know that pickles heat can burn for more than four hours? I mean, she had us sleeping the entire night one time. I haven't seen her. Poor pickles. The poor put-upon burned-to-death pickles. So the news is that Luanne has a guy because sonja again is saying like you know it's hard to keep up luann she always has like four or five guys coming through here but now she actually has a guy um which is exciting and even more exciting is that sonja and luann are in the are on page six

we're in the post and sonja's like dancing around she's We're in the post. And Sonya's like dancing around. She's so excited. Like, Sonya Morgan, a disgusting, dirty drunk. She's like, yeah, that's right,

boys. That's right, boys. I'm gonna go write this down on computer number three. So, I love that it's called Ray,

a drunken creep. It's like, you trash, you trash tablet. Shut up. Who said that? Who said I was a drunken creep. It's like, you trash, you trash tablet. Shut up. Who said that? Who said I was a drunken creep, you trash? John Modestian cleans up messy party. Love the New York Post.

And that John kicked out Ray and everyone applauded. And John said, I got rid of the grime. He was a big gay spot. I got rid of him. Hey, that's not right, John. You know, you got to treat all your guests with respect i'm going john i'm sorry i think that the main part of the scene was that sonia had a thong on the floor and then she threw it in her laundry hamper which is a big like pottery it's like something that you it's like a planter it's a big glass planter like what the hell you know what it was it was like the scene in big business when um when country bett middler

finally buys the polka dotted ensemble and she takes her jacket and like someone sees her like doing something and she takes her jacket and she puts it in the ashtray and sits on it that's what it was she totally bet middler ashtrayed her laundry right stupid sonia and those poor interns you know they're carrying it down like three loads you know three three stairway three staircases or whatever look why buy a laundry basket when i got all these plantas everywhere okay intern go go haul this planta down at the laundromat the dishwasher and the laundry machine's not working oh my god she's such a mess so this mystery man new guy uh introed by dorinda there's the scary part and then they taught and uh by the way we have sex oh really like before you go to bed and in the morning and in the middle of the night does he take viagra

no he doesn't even need it. Well. Would you? No, because it's like a sundial. Well, so, wait, are you at the dinner party? No, I'm at this conversation. Oh, yeah. I'm still in the kitchen.

Oh, okay. I just want to make sure. I got confused there for a second. With these two crazies. I just like when they were still reading the post and the article talked about Ramona getting kicked out of the party and luanne goes and here she talks about you being messed up it's like one truth does not make the other a false no one can scoff like luanne i mean she's just she's just the master of it i actually have a picture of luanne scoffing as our cover photo today. Oh, perfect. I was, yeah, that's good, because

I took a picture of Ramona in her Pinot Grigio glasses, and I put that as our, as the cover picture of our Facebook page. Oh, you did? Yeah, as a, so. This is my new business. It's like straws that you can wear as glasses. They're like, Ramona, you just got that

as a present. So what? It's like different. It's like different, because it's like me. It's like the Ramona, you just got that as a present. So what? It's like different. It's like different because it's like me. It's like the Ramona. It's like Ramona straw. I like it because it makes me look like the homely girl from Santa Claus Fire. Oh, God, I'll never forget when poor Mayor Winningham got her spank snapped. She finally got to make out with the hot guy and he snapped her spanks. And she was like, oh, you know, it's so funny. I i'm just like me or winning him i love guys who can play saxophone well my children love horses idiots on this show okay so next up is uh sonia and dorinda so sonia

is still a mess so sonia sonia is suffering from the housewives drunk thing where I don't think they can get her insured because they're like, okay, Sonia, do you want to shoot in your kitchen or outside someplace? Poor Sonia. This is the second episode in a row where she's about to be blindsided and she thinks she's out for like a fun little walk in her jaunt. Dorinda, you know what it is? This is basically Joe Pesci about to become a made man in Goodfellas. This is James Caan driving into the toll booth in The Godfather. Sonya is walking down the street with Dorinda. But with a family pack.

Yeah. It's a lovely day. Everything is wonderful. They're joking, having a good time. I think that was the bench I slept on when I lived in New York. Because that's like a Central Park East bench across from a jewelry store. Oh, no. It was across from the museum, right?

That's where I slept when I had to be homeless when I was young. I was like, hey, jewelry. I was like, jewelry store security guard, I know this isn't your job, but please watch me in case anybody hurts me. He's like, okay. So I was sleeping in front, and when they went there, I was like, oh my god!

It's come full circle! You can put that on the OKCupid. Isn't that so sad? Yeah, that's like literally true. I'm not even lying. It's like, whoa! And that's also, I think, the last time I saw someone wearing a fanny pack. Someone on one of these shows said that they're into fanny packs.

I forget who. I think her. She's like, I love fanny pack. OK, so they're fanny packs. Bench I slept on. Poop I feel at home. Oh, because there's poop on the ground and he's like look some dog poop i feel like i'm at home oh so sad so they start

talking about psycho ramona this well yeah that's the thing they start talking i'm sorry to interrupt they but i but but i i really loved how before dorinda drops the bomb that sonia is not going to be invited the berkshires, Sonya starts talking about Ramona. She starts talking about Ramona and is like, you know, Ramona, like, she has to, like, get it together because, like, people don't want to invite you anymore because you're embarrassing. And she's saying this to Dorinda right as Dorinda is about to say, yeah, we're not inviting you, actually. I was like, this is so tragic and awkward. I can't watch it. I really believe still in Santa Claus.

And I don't want you embarrassing me in front of Santa Claus. That's it. Back it up. Back it up. Dorinda sang it in such a nice way. She's like, you know what I think, Sonya? Like, here's what I'm thinking. Like, you're too good for the Berkshires.

And like, you don't need to be around drinking and plot. Like, we can have our own day in the Berkshires. And like, you don't need to be around drinking and plot. Like, we can have our own day in the Berkshires. Like, after the girls leave, they can come for dinner. And then, like, the next day is going to be like a mess. You can help me clean it up. Sonia's like, oh, well, thanks. That sounds lovely. I guess you're right.

Her face is doing Charlie Brown's sad face. It's like squiggle marks. And then Jordan's like, listen, listen. You can come up alone. We can go's like, listen, listen, you can come up alone. We can go back to that restaurant where we pinned you in and accused you of being an alcoholic, okay? It'll be real fun. Jon Jon called

me after that. No, he didn't. Jon Jon didn't call. Oh, by the way, did you hear that young baby boyfriend of Carol's almost died in a plane accident this week. Isn't that crazy? Okay, just had to say that

because otherwise I don't really care. It's like the most boring plane crash ever. They're like, a boring almost hot person crashed a plane. No one even cares. If you're hot and you know Carol, don't get into small airplanes. That's the lesson. So I love that.

So Dorinda basically. So, so, so Dorinda basically says to Sonia, she tries to make it sound all nice. Like you come up and we'll have a special one-on-one time, which admittedly, if you're, it was the nicest alternative to the bitch move that she's doing, you know,

like it was, it was, it was a nice acknowledgement that, Hey, I'm doing something really bitchy, but I'm going to make it up to you. But it was still a bitch move. And I just felt so bad for Sonya.

She's like, the girls love me at parties. They love me. But she saw right through it. I'm the life of the party. Like, what? Madonna's always like, hey, let's go have a tribute to Prince, and we'll just, like, drink the whole time through it. I was like, okay. I'll be there at the Billboard Music Awards.

I felt sorry again. Okay, but I have to make clear from last week, that whole thing with Bethany, when I was like, Bethany's a monster. Of course, Sonya's in the wrong, by the way. These are just based on comments. Of course, Sonya's wrong. I don't think Sonya's right.

She's obviously blatantly stealing it. And that guy is a piece of shit and she's totally in the wrong. It's just that Bethany was such a monster. She was so gross and mean. I liked it, though. I liked it. Just had to clarify.

Just had to clarify. But either way, Sonya, I mean, Sonya saw through Dorinda's bullshit. She was like, okay, well, she's taking sides. And she's taking Bethany's side. And I'm the odd one out. I mean, I felt, you know, it's so funny with Sonya. Because sometimes you're like, oh, gosh. She is a disaster.

I mean, don't ever forget. She's a disaster. But then you see things like this. She's like a sweet, lovable disaster. Yeah, she's not a mean disaster. So they're screwing her over again. Bethany has decided she's not going to be on the show anymore. So it's basically what's happening.

And everyone else is agreeing with her. And Dorinda, why are you agreeing with Bethany? She's called you an alcoholic. Your boyfriend, like a meth head or whatever. And she's basically saying you're an abusive relationship. To your face and publicly in front of everybody that will listen. You're choosing the wrong side. But I care for her.

I care for her. Because she's very popular. And she's smart and very rich. I want to be in scenes. So they go to, Luann has dinner at a place. Luann's like, I only want to have dinner with supportive girlfriends. I'm like, OK, so nobody. It's like Dorinda who's too drunk to even remember the shit you've done to her.

And then like the new girl who no one else will hang out with. Jules's big contribution to the scene was saying they're at a place called Empire. And her big contribution was saying, you know what's crazy? This place used to be called Tattoo. You know who invented tattoos? Asian people. Specifically the Japanese. And you know who's not allowed to get

tattoos? Jewish people. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's industry's Myhala Harreld, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an

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From Wondery, this is Black History For for Real I'm Francesca Ramsey and I'm Conscious Lee what do most people think about when they hear the words Black History Rosa Parks Reconstruction MLK February Black History Month exactly exactly there are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less.

In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some, as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others follow black history for real on the wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts listen everywhere on february 5th or you can listen early and ad free on wondery plus starting january 29th join wondery plus on the wondery app or on apple podcasts

it's crazy. Stupid Jules. I like that Jules tries to get in on every conversation. They're like, we meet Luann's new D'Agostino. We said Grendels or something last time. No. Gristini's. Yeah, Gristini's. Yeah, he's from Beowulf, the Beowulf supermarket.

Yeah, the D'Agostinos. And those, I swear to you, those shopping aisles are even smaller. I don't even know how anybody makes it through that store. Yeah. Like, you can't even have a cart in that store. They're like, whatever you can carry in your hands, it'll be $20 each. Yeah, exactly. I also like how Jules is in every scene.

She's quietly in every scene on this show. And she tries so hard to make an impression, and she still doesn doesn't even when she's in every single scene she just can't and then dagastino guy he looks like tom calicchio i have to say he's the cutest out of all of the the dates on the show that oh yeah he's hot he's like a hot older guy for sure i think luann did rich ass older guy too rar yeah good job. He's like Luann, like you, you know, she deserves, you know, Luann is hot. You know, Luann is like a hot, sexy,

slutty lady, you know, and like slutty in like a, hey, you slut sort of way, you know, like a good, like hot slut.

And like she deserves a hot slutty lady. Yeah, she deserves like a, like a hot dude, you know, good for her. She, good for her.

I love when couples get together and she's like, well, the story of how we met. Oh, gosh, here it goes. And he goes, well, I'll let her tell you her version of the story and then I'll tell you mine. I'm like, oh, God, I'm sure these are both going to be great. And she's like, well, I was on Grindr trying to tell this crazy pants to leave me alone. Trying to tell me to stop messaging me. I thought this was the guy from top chef right so i said i've always wanted to have you inside of me blah blah you know how it goes and he's like okay my turn so dorinda called me and then she was like you should meet my friend and then i met a friend on the phone it was like five minutes but then seven

minutes or something and then i was like whoa and then at this point story guys please don't write your own vows and at this point uh john interrupted and said so uh was the receiving end of the phone was the receiving end of the phone was it wet was it moist you know and everyone just like looks at him everyone he's like you know like moist because you know because was it was receiving it was it was moist you know like like like vagina and everyone is like john john why why you can't say that john why and the man's like no everyone's just like one of those like one of the most awkward jewels is like that is one of those words women don't want to ever hear okay moist ointment grundle it's like what what are you talking about grundle is like it's that area it's the area between the ass and the she's just like saying all these things she's like she's like that's a word that that women don't ever want

to hear like like like damp and dank and carbohydrate and food. Chinese food. Get a job. I mean, these are things women hate. Like, I'm quitting your family. Wait in line. If I just, you know, I don't even have a nanny right now to listen to that for me. So, like, this is awful for me.

I just wrote, this story sucks okay it's like well girls you know our friends can be catty you know dorinda's like yeah it could be negative you don't good friends she's a nice to john yeah so good friends though uh so basically oh sorry oh no no go ahead i was just well i liked how they you know luan's like what well he they had this like this on and off flirtation for years and then they finally got together at thanksgiving and luan's like well you know i didn't want people to know who he was you know i want to give time to have our relationship to grow you know i'm like lady it's thanksgiving was the end of November. It's like two weeks later. Well, you only need your turkey stuffed one time on Thanksgiving

before you really learn to appreciate life. Dorinda's all romantic. She's like, yeah, perfect for you, Shanna. Kids like Luan likes getting wasted. And like this guy likes getting shit-faced. So they can party. It's gonna party all the time. Okay.

You need to get your preacher certificate on ye olde internet. Because you're so the preacher at this wedding. I knew it was gonna work when they both held each other's hair back to barf. In the toilet. In my bra party. Oh goodness. So then... Oh no, I i'm sorry jules has to come in again

and she's like yeah oh my god that's what people say about us like we're exactly we're exactly alike am i right little midget husband and he's like he's like see oh see we both love adding pools onto things but never finishing them. We're both confused by the end with the squiggly line above it. Am I right, hon? He's like, no, no. We both love sticking your hand into shrimp bowls and then washing them off. Hey, anybody have bellinis?

We'll both lick one right now. Am I right? In fact, I often call my husband i often i often call jonathan my little bellini so i can just lick him up um they're both horrible so now we go up to the berkshires and dorinda is putting santa claus's all over her home like crazy santa claus like she raided a hallmark store and she's putting dispensers. Yeah. And she's like, you know, I love the holidays in the book. She is because this is where I can show people who I truly am.

I can't do that in New York. You want out each other? What truly am I'm like, so who you truly are is a crazy crafting lady who put Santa Claus is everywhere. This is not good for you. You show who you are. Plenty in New York. Like they block off streets when you come down.

Oh, here she go. God damn block off streets when you come down. Uh oh, here she goes. God damn it, I told you! She's like yelling at the crosswalk hand, like stop flashing at me. Hey, how dare you? How dare you? I've always stood by you. People said orange hands

aren't normal, and I said yeah they are. Do you know how many times she's been tasered at Macy's when she's tried to capture Santa Claus and Annette? I'm taking you to Berkshire's. Is Martha Stewart here? Martha! Hey, Bethany, someone's stealing your collars.

I'm telling you this because I care for you. Santa Claus, you're not allowed to come to my house on Christmas, okay? Stolen Bethany's collar. I love what she said. You're going gonna have a special You know what You're gonna come up the next day On Boxer Day

And we're gonna have a special dinner Just for you and me Okay Santa Claus I still truly believe in Santa Claus And I hope one day to date him Ramona She's like Look here I am

It's like the Berkshires this is crazy this is like my sanctuary really because two seasons ago it sent you into a manic crazy crying fit that you had to have some gay in a helicopter come rescue you from not even lying you were so crazy you installed air conditioning in someone's house for one night. Like, you know, as much shit as we talked about with Giselle and Robin and Cameron in Potomac about the air conditioning there, it still does not compare to Ramona actually installing an air conditioner into Heather's house. Okay. And then leaving.

And then leaving. Boy, okay. Okay. okay and then leave it okay okay i just i just include i i increased the resale value of your house okay she's like he's the gosh dorinda congratulations on already having an air conditioner in my sanctuary like i couldn't bring you an ac so i brought you dog poop and now it's all over your house okay and then dorinda takes it so personally she's like you know it's so funny because ramona she just shits on me and now her dog is just shitting on my house it's like full circle like well it's not really full circle it's just more of more of the same really it's full full spectrum that dog poops on the carpet and ramona poops on my heart next thing you know mario's to come back and poop on John.

You better back it up, Mario. I hope they have stain remover for my heart. I'm surprised John didn't pop out with like a little elf costume and take care of the rug. A little spritz bottle. He's like, did somebody say stain? He will. He'll walk in there like, who's got poop on this shoe? So that dog, they showed that dog shitting on the carpet i think 20 times they just kept going back they're like look here's a plate of salmon and now the dog is still pooping

and here yeah they spent a lot of time cleaning up that poop when the best part though is there was like it was like poop poop shots of poop of poop, shots of poop, shots of poop. And then they cut to Luanne walking in saying, hmm, the smell of fall. It's like amazing editor work. I didn't even notice that. Yeah, it was like Luanne approaching after all these shots of poop. And Luanne goes, I love the smell of fall. Well, from being in Sonia's house, it probably does smell very fresh. Well, from being in Sonia's house, it probably does smell very fresh.

Once you just have, like, one thing of dog shit on the carpet, I'm sure it smells much nicer than Sonia's house. You know that place stinks. It's a very proud dog poop. So dog poop it on carpet. Luann, blah, blah, blah. Oh, Ramona's like, have you heard from Luann? Like, is Luann coming? Because I texted Sonia.

But like, no, she says, I texted Luann about Sonia. But like, I haven't heard back. So maybe Luann's still out. Oh, yeah, you sure got her. Now you're slut shaming Luann. I don't get it. Last season, Ramona's like who cares like guys like i'm dating okay like it's hard i'll date anybody like i don't even care okay and now she's like let's get a petite yeah well then um and i love by the way during all this

the editors keep cutting to these crazy looking santas every time they cut to the santas it looks scarier and scarier. It looked, honestly, at a certain point, I was convinced we were actually watching Krampus. I was like, did we just change over to the Krampus movie now? Well, they are evil because Dorinda has this statue of a saint. And she shoved it behind the Christmas tree facing the wall. Like, Merry Christmas. Jeez. Jeez.

God. Like, take all your religious artifacts, face them in a corner. Hey, Krampus, you better back the fuck up. This is Santa territory. Finally, somebody put me in a bath cub and, like, you're dragging me downtown to a work party. If there were ever a Christmas thing that Krampus could not take care of it would be these women like krampus comes down he comes down with his hook down the chimney and he's like oh fuck i'm gonna go uh find tony collette now he's like help me back up send the rope krampus has been krampus heyampus, come have some coffee.

Dorinda was mad about dog poop a really long time because I'm still writing about dog poop. She's like, oh, God, look at me. I'm cleaning up my own dog poop. I don't even clean up my own dog poop. Look at that. Clean it up. And then her dog comes in and she's like, hey, you. Would you shit all over someone's Hamptons house?

That's what I thought. Like, you're not in the Hamptons. Delusional. You're even delusional in front of your dog. Hey, Krampus, can you clean up this poop for me, please? Thank you. Krampus is like, oh, fuck. He's like, I'm supposed to be taking you to hell right now,

but I guess I'll clean up the dog poop. He's like, I'm trying to take children to hell, okay? Having stem cells in your earlobes does not make you a child. Get out of my bathtub. Weirdo old ladies, get out. No, Krampus. You're taking me, okay? Hey, Krampus, are you single?

Okay. I don't think that Sonia should be allowed in your bathtub, okay, Krampus? Because she's a mess. She's untrustworthy. Krampus is like, like, she's a mess. Like, she's untrustworthy. Krampus is like, who told you that, you bitch? What is this, like, Santa's sleigh? Oh, so he had a cheetah business and stole my business,

and what, now you're stealing his business to steal from my business? You're like a cheetah, cheetah, Krampus. Hey, I don't even understand Krampus. Like, you're not Santa Claus, but you're not the Grinch? Like, what are you, just like something in the middle of, like, Krampus? Like, is that, like, is that, like, menstruation? Like, I don't get it. Like, what's happening Santa Claus, but you're not the Grinch. Like, what are you? Just, like, something in the middle of, like, Krampus?

Like, is that, like, is that, like, menstruation? Like, I don't get it. Like, what's happening? Like, it's, like, too much. Like, it's, like, Christmas is for, like, Santa, and, like, I don't get it.

Like, too much. Like, literally just, like, kill me now. Like, put me in your bathtub and take me to hell. Like, I can't. Like, just take me to hell already, Krampus.

Like, I can't. You're killing children after they're born? What is that? Like, that's crazy. Like, you heard of abortions? Like, what are you, irresponsible?

You're ridiculous. Like, there's a cheetah brand. They have plant parents are you a grandpa are you trying to scare me like like like you're supposed to like put me in a sack and like scare me like literally like i saw my mom get dragged across kitchen floor like that's like 10 times worse than what you could do grandpa like literally like just like kill me now like literally i'll be on the floor like if i have to talk to grandpa one more second without even having any hummus like i'm just like i'm just gonna die like i'm my walls up i'm crying i can't think of grandpa's like what my daughter's supposed to get into your tub and go to hell?

Okay, give her, like, 20 minutes because I just sent her choices of clothes to wear. Okay? Krampus, here. You know what? While you get your bathtub ready, like, have a skinny girl margarita. Okay? It'll make you feel a lot better. Okay?

You'll feel better. Okay? Like, let's talk. Here, let's sit on the stool and, like, talk about things. She has choices for Brynn. She's like, okay, you're going to die. Would you rather die by Krampus? That's choice A.

Santa Claus. Dorinda. Sonia's twat. She's probably, okay, you're gonna die. Would you rather die by Krampus? That's choice A. Santa Claus, Dorinda, or Sonia's twat, who's probably stealing half of your things right now. I don't know. Ah, loser. I just like the idea of Krampus arriving at the Berkshire's house and just being overwhelmed by these women just talking at him. Okay. Which room is Krampus gonna stay in, okay? Because

I've already chosen the room on the first floor. Krampus, you stay on the couch. Well, actually, I was just going to take you all to hell. No, no, no. You got to stay. Krampus, you got to have the famous lasagna. He's like, I'd stay, but all the different colors in these rooms is giving me a headache.

Krampus left without even eating one of the white breads in a croissant maker. Back it up, Krampus left without even eating one of the white breads in the croissant maker. Back it up, Krampus. Carol doesn't even hear you, Krampus. Look at that. Ramona shits in my heart and Krampus just shits all over the bathtub and leaves.

You're breaking my heart, Krampus. You're breaking my heart. We're from the same place, Krampus. How could you leave right now, Krampus, without the Lizard? You're breaking my heart, Krampus. You're breaking my heart. We're from the same place, Krampus. How could you leave right now, Krampus, without the Lizard? You're breaking my heart now. You know what Krampus does? He's an apologist. I call him the apologist. He'll just do a drive-by, drag you to hell,

and then just says, I'm sorry. Like, enough. Oh, yeah. I love when they're making fun of Ramona. The great, okay? Anyway. Ramona could pass you and shoot you in the neck and you're bleeding and she'd be like, hi, how are you? Which is true. So let's see here.

So then they all start talking about Sonia. And Ramona's like, you know what? Like, you know what? Sonia doesn't need to be here. Sonia, you know what she should be doing? She should be doing yoga. Okay. Yoga.

Yeah. Like Sonia, you know what she should be doing? She should be doing yoga, okay? Yoga. Yeah, like Sonia, like she needs to help like charity people, maybe go to church, or like, I don't know, join a fire club? I don't know, like become a police officer, an EMT? I don't know, maybe Play-Doh? Like people like Play-Doh,

you can make shapes out of it? Like, I don't care, like whatever it is, she doesn't need to be here, okay? Play-Doh. Maybe she should learn about Aristotle, because she's always startled. So maybe Aristotle will help her. Has Luanne come here yet? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, because Luanne arrives. Luanne arrives with Jules, and she's like, oh, hello, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah, that's when the statue is behind the tree. And Luanne tells us, well, I'm kind of nervous to go to this thing, carol's gonna be there and you know carol and i aren't cool we're kind of uncool she's like well i'm close enough to the cat skills i can make the joke next year she's gonna be like, that's everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. Everything.

You're everything. Am I right, boys? So then they're all sitting around the table. And then Bethany arrives in her usual frantic stage. She's like, all right. What's the matter? What's the matter? What's happening?

What's the matter? What's the matter? What's going on? What's happening? She walks in. Her hair is a mess. What is that? What is that? A croissant? Like in a bread thing? Like, what's going on in here? What's that? A piano? It's the matter? What's the matter? What's going on? What's happening? She walks in. Her hair is a mess. What is that? What is that? A croissant like in a bread thing?

Like what's going on in here? What's that? A piano? Is Luan going to sing? Luan's like, I'll sing. Jules can play. And Ramona's like, oh, God, Luan? Like you're tone deaf, okay?

No way. I was actually mad at Ramona. I'm like, if there's anyone who wants to hear a duet with Jules and Luann, it's me. Please get on those Ivory's. Tickle those Ivory's, Jules. She's like, it'll burn extra calories. My fingers are nervous because they always felt like they were too fat. But now people call them too skinny and they don't want to even go on the piano anymore.

She's like Paris the Caribbean, the guy playing the piano. So Bethany arrives. And I love that. You know, these women are so dysfunctional. I love all the simmering hatred they all have for each other because immediately Luann's like, oh, wow, look at Bethany's hair. It looks so much like mine. Like, look at that. Like, hey, hey, Bethany, your hair looks like mine. mine wow well bethany certainly looks like her hair looks like mine like

wow she may have a skinny girl brand but her hair looks like mine like relax luann just relax if she's so proud of skinny girl why does she need cool girl's hair why someone explain that like you both have soccer mom hair okay so you so you both lose. Yeah. So then they're all sitting around. Bethany looks like she's actually in a good mood. She's like all smiles. And they start talking about Luann's man. And she's sort of, Luann is being very cryptic. She's alluding to Tom, but she's saying things like, my man, my special someone.

And Bethany's like, oh, you mean Ramona's ex? Is that what you mean? Yeah, you mean Ramona's ex with that what you mean yeah you're you mean ramona's ex with that tiny grocery store you can't even walk through an aisle i mean what the hell like i hope you're a skinny girl because you're gonna die in there like like people will suffocate man is that is that what you mean like that ugly bald guy like that tom kalik you know by the way i don't think we mentioned right that ramona is now pissed at luann because um she is now saying that Tom Colicchio is her ex, whereas he was basically like,

Tom Colicchio was like, yeah, I went out with her, but only as a friend. I'm friends with her, but I never went out with her. But Ramona's like, he's my ex. He's my ex.

We were married almost. That's not girl code. Yeah. She's like, that's not girl code. So Bethany's like, what, what, what? Who are you getting fucked? Like, do you use condoms with you?

Because Naomi's like, bareback and glue. Like, am I right? Like, Bethany's so gross. And then, what was I going to say? God damn it. But you did this, isn't it a birthday thing? Dorinda, I've never seen the Countess before today. Oh, yeah, because he's.

Okay, so Luann comes in and goes to get a drink in the kitchen with Jules, and Ramona won't leave her couch. And she's like, everyone's ignoring me. I guess I should just, like, send them all a text and tell them, hello, I'm out here. I totally missed that. I totally missed that. And then Luann's like, how rude.

Ramona, when people come in, you're supposed to say hello. Oh, yeah. I remember that part. I'm not the hostess, okay? Like, to bring this to the bad hostess, okay? It's not me. Like, whatever. Like, do you smell that poop?

It's from my shoe. Ramona just needs a custom bitmoji that says, hello, I'm in here. So anyway. Oh, wait. Here's what I was going to say. I finally found it. I'm sorry. I'll shut up after this.

I watched this mini-series called Ten Little Indians. Well, it it wasn't called that but it was based on 10 little indians the agatha christie thing and they had they all arrive at this mansion it's kind of the plot of clue they all arrive at this mansion under mysterious circumstances and they have these little green statues and there's 10 of them and then as it goes they all start dying and every time somebody dies a statue disappears she had those statues on her thing. I was like, this is the best Agatha Christie ever. That's right. Because Bethany was said to Luann, like, oh, you know, you match the statues.

You match the Agatha Christie statues. And I was like, oh, well. And you match my hair. Because we have the same hair. Did you notice we have the same hair? I have the same hair. It's my hair. I'll tell you who died.

Your old hairstyle. Now you have mine. So you notice that we have the same hair? I have the same hair. It's my hair. I'll tell you who died. Your old hairstyle. Now you have mine. So get rid of one of the statues. The Bethany statue has the other hair. Or like murder on the Bethany's old hair express. Murder on the at least Bethany's cool now. Hey, Nancy Drew, I've got a mystery for you. It's called what happened to Bethany's old hair?

Because it turned into mine. My hair. It's mine, What Happened to Bethany's Old Hair? Because it turned into mine. My hair. It's mine. Cool hair. Cool. So they are totally calling out Luann already. Luann was so right. And of course it's Bethany.

She's like, what? What? Is that that bald guy? Like, that I saw the other day? Like, he smelled like a butt crack? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know. Ramona's had sex with him.

Great. New Harry Dubin. Congratulations. So Bethany, yeah, exactly. I'm sorry. So Luann is now getting curled lip, and she then moves on to say that, well, you know, I've now moved in with Sonia

because, you know, I feel like I really need to mentor her because she's so all over the place. And then Bethany just leaves it. She laughs so hard, her head falls down onto the table. She's like, you? What, you? You being a mentor? I mean, that's crazy. It's like the blind lady in the death. It's like crazy. Like, who does that? That's crazy. I don't even get it. It's like, I don't get it. And you know what? I'm actually laughing about it this time. It's like, you? What, you? You being a mentor? I mean, that's crazy. That's like the blind lady in the death. It's like crazy. Like, who does that?

That's crazy. I don't even get it. It's like, I don't get it. And you know what? I'm actually laughing about it because it's so crazy. And then Luanne's like, I don't see what's crazy.

I don't see what's funny. You're the only one who's laughing. And then Bethany's like, no, you're right. You don't think it's funny. Of course not. You're the movie.

I'm just the one who's watching. I'm literally watching a movie right now. I'm in 3D glasses. Literally, this is Avatar because you're almost blue. Literally, I'm blue.

I'm laughing so hard, I'm blue. I guess I'm an Avatar. Literally, I don't understand. Where's the tree of life? I don't get it. What's happening a movie right now. I'm in 3D glasses. Like literally this is Avatar because you're almost blue. Like literally I'm blue. I'm laughing so hard I'm blue. I guess I'm an Avatar. Like literally I don't understand. Like where's the tree of life? Like I don't get it. Like what's happening to me right now? Like where's James Cameron? Like is this Titanic?

Because everything's sinking. Literally like kill me now. Kill me in the Titanic right now. There's an abyss down there. Oh my God, there's a monster. Oh my God, kill me now. That's like you telling me Courtney Love is your mentor. I like that Bethany was making these arguments that actually made sense, but she didn't understand it.

Like when she said, yeah, it's like the blind leading the deaf. Yeah, actually it is. I mean, that's the wrong saying, but this is nice. It's like a blind person leading a deaf person through, I don't know, like a game room or something where there's a lot of dinging. Like a casino. So the blind person can hear it and they're helping the deaf person. And maybe the deaf person helps the blind person with other things. I don't know, like order a drink from a waitress.

It actually makes sense. And if Courtney Love was the mentor, that would make sense too because Courtney Love killed a rich dude and is now wealthy for the rest of her life while she's able to maintain her buzz. You know, Bethany was being so obnoxious about it. She's right, but she's being so obnoxious and Luann was getting so mad. And then and then they then I think Luann does bring up the whole thing with Sonia about how Bethany and Bethany and Sonia are in a fight. And now Bethany suddenly changes her tune. She's like, oh, well, you know, with Sonia, it's a joke. Like, you know, it's fine. I'm fine. I don't have a problem. It's a joke. It's a joke. It's like, well, you actually just, like, tore her apart on national television and made her feel like a piece of shit coming from Coco's ass on Dorinda's carpet.

And now you're just like, oh, it's a joke. It's fine. It's a joke. Yes. And, of course, Ramona stepped in and dragged it in again, just like usual. But, yeah, she's like, what? It's a joke. Like, Sonia, it's a joke.

She's like a loser. Like, what am I going to be afraid of a brand a brand like she doesn't even know what a brand is like to her a brand is like what you got before they came out with tattoos like she doesn't know like it was an idiot fucking moron she still thinks brands are the same thing that flakes are made out of like brand flakes she calls them brand flakes she doesn't know she doesn't even know the difference between brand and brand and uh luann's like oh you're not mad then why was it in the post that's the big that's in every show now like every fight they find about in the post

which is hilarious I know exactly call it drunk girl call it stupid girl call it like dried out vagina who's got cross eyed and is trying to get facial surgery to look like Glenn Close who's not even cute anymore like call it that like what do you want from me

she's like well that's mean and then Ramona's like that's not even cute anymore like call it that like like what do you want from me she's like well that's mean and then ramona's like that's not mean as she sips her pinot grigio from her pinot grigio glasses you just see the pinot grigio swirling around her eyes invisibly it's just swirling around her eyes like it's from that crazy straw and fucking bethany what is she even talking about she goes i mean, I was the first person besides Diddy to do this. And what are you talking about? What is she the first person besides Diddy to do? What?

Come out with her own alcohol. Is she nuts? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what she's talking about, but Luann, uh, Luann then has like brass balls because she decides,

okay, well, I am going to tango. I'm going to tangle with with uh bethany about her brand because bethany makes a joke because she says i'm the first one besides diddy to do this and then i think she makes a joke says and you but the way the joke sounds it sounds like she's actually giving luann credit for yeah she's like diddy was the first one to come up with this you know and you because like you know it was your idea and luann's like oh yes

and you ran with it she's like no it was that was a joke because you like told everyone that like you came up with it and it was your idea or whatever like you helped or whatever and she's like well we were together when you said it well that's not the same thing it's not same same thing like you told people you helped me what is that different like what are you gonna answer 9-1-1 and then say like i invented 9- 9-1-1? It's stupid. It doesn't make sense. Do you remember the clip? Yeah, someone actually posted the clip on our Facebook. CDC on the case.

Of course. Do you want me to play the clip? Oh, you can if you want. I just remember it because they played it at, I guess, the reunion or whatever. Bethany cracks me up. She's, like, ordering a margarita. She's like, I call it the skinny girl because, you know, it's just, like, tequila and then lime and then's like ordering a margarita she's like i call it the skinny girl because you know it's just like tequila and then lime and then like a little triple sec i'm like

yeah it's a margarita so who's the stealer now like you called it skinny but it's not like you came up with something it's a fucking margarita is what you ordered yeah i guarantee i mean she's smart she branded it but i guarantee that that concoction of like lime juice and soda or whatever it is, I guarantee that people have made that before. Oh, my. Oh, my God. I just have to say Brit Gentles, one of our listeners, she she posted a video of Chanel from.

Oh, my God. This is amazing. Chanel from Princesses Long Island. She was on the Wendy's show. Oh my god, Chanel looks crazy. The picture is on our Facebook page, everyone. Everyone go look at that. It is amazing. I'm trying to find the clip.

I found it. I found it. Okay, we're going to play it. Let's see what happens. The clip is going to play in all its entirety. I only drink one drink and I call it the skinny girl's margarita it's um patrone silver on the rocks fresh lime juice and a little splash of trickle step

me too i guess and she just looked at me and said i'll have that it's a skinny girl okay and i was like all right i like this i like this chick yeah she invented that as much as you did yeah i mean she's like i'll have she invented that as much as you did yeah i mean she's like i'll have some french fries but i'm gonna call them like like thin fries okay yeah yeah shoestring fries there look i branded it but to be fair bethany did bethany did call it the skinny girl margarita so so luanne does not get i think luanne she's like well look i wasn't the first person to get a soccer mom haircut either, but you've got that too. Well, I guess the Skinny Girl Margarita is kind of like the Luann hair of cocktails, isn't it? Like a pioneer.

We both wear it, but you always make more money somehow. Well, the funny thing is, I mean, I think that Luann, she just wants acknowledgement that she was there at the critical moment that the Skinny Girl Margarita reached pop culture. Like she was there at the beginning. But she, of course, is not stating that properly. Because I remember. I remember because I was in Club Med. Club Med circa 2012, I guess it was. Whenever the – maybe it was 2010.

I don't know. I was there, family vacation. And I remember going to the little bar there. And a woman at the bar, it's called the Sand Bar at the Club Med in Florida, somewhere in Florida, went up to the bar and said, Hey, can I get a skinny girl margarita and i was like oh that's that's bethany's drink from real housewives that's so funny that someone like is like is getting her drink because this is before it was all branded and stuff like that and i remember at that moment thinking like wow this is this could turn into a thing and you know it's not like i was the first one to think that but i remember thinking this is going to become a thing and sure enough i don't know why i'm telling this story it's so stupid but it did and then but uh bethany did give luann credit

she credited her in the book and then they talked about it and that's why she's mad because andy brought it up on the reunion she's like i never said i invented it i just said i came up with it with you there while we were drinking it with the place that sells margarita what'd you invent mexican food too? Like we had nachos that night. Now you sell those. I mean, stupid Bethany. What, is Air Pop popcorn?

Is that yours too, Bethany? Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I'll just eat a more fattening snack now, I guess, so Bethany doesn't get upset with me that I've stolen something. Can I have a bowl of uncool, please, to eat with these chips?

They show the clips from next week, and they are hilarious. Like, it all goes apeshit. And they just show Dorinda going, I cooked! I cleaned! I decorated! I made it nice! I'm ashamed! She always says she makes things nice.

I made it nice! That's probably why she's dating a dry cleaner, because she likes the idea of someone who professionally makes things nice. I made it nice. That's probably why she's dating a dry cleaner, because she likes the idea of someone who professionally makes things nice. I made it nice. I'm ashamed. Mishand jam. Oh, Lord. Okay, bye, Housewives of New York.

God bless this wonderful show. God bless it. Yeah, this has been gold, I think, every episode so far. You know, for the entire run. Honestly, every single season, every single episode. There's just so many fun things. And it's the full spectrum of fun things. You know, it's both ridiculous, stupid shit like Luanne bragging about her hair.

It's like real arguments about how friends treat each other. It's on all levels. All sorts of neuroses and crazy and hilarious lines and moments with great clothing. Okay. Just watching Sonia every season manage to not be homeless

is really amazing. This thing should just be put into the Library of Congress at this point. It should. They should play this at every homeless event. They should be like look she should be one of you but she's not we don't know why we don't know why just study this oh my god okay well what do you want to talk about next we got tour group and below deck mans why don't we um why don't we do the tour group won't take a long time i would do like a tour group um palette cleanser in between um in between below deck meds because below deck med was crazy

this week well tour group went went through something weird this week where they they just took it off the air and moved it to like 10 45 at night you know how bravo has those fucked up slots where they're like okay chef academy he has some things at 6 15 p.m to 8 34 p.m it's like uh if you have to trick people into dvr in your shows bravo you need new executives creating the shows you assholes so anyway i ended up watching tour group even though i keep saying i refuse to watch it i watched it and it was so good i mean what the hell it was well it was hilarious this week because i mean there really is only one thing worth talking about because outside of this one thing it was just them in sri lanka going to the market getting viagra eating weird food so um the big thing is that the gang is fly is gonna go to sri Sri Lanka from the Maldives.

And they have to take a little plane ride. And they're hot. They're sweaty. They arrive in Sri Lanka. It's 105, 110 degrees, full humidity. Everyone is cranky. I'm sorry. And before they went to Sri Lanka, Brandon, I think his name is Brandon or Brendan.

He's like the really nice leader. He's the one that's too nice and always talking with a smile. He's always talking with a smile, trying to make things nice. Don't you guys want to do something new today and different and experience the culture and educate

yourselves in the culture? Yeah, so he pulls Michelle aside to have a conversation before before they leave the maldives because he's concerned that michelle and heather keep doing their own thing and they're not participating and they're not like getting into the local culture so he he said ask something along the lines of like is there is there anything that like we could do to make it like make you want to participate more and michelle's like no you know yeah they looked all shocked when he turned it around on them he's like i can see that you guys look like you're upset or not happy and

they're like yeah that's true we are always upset and unhappy and he's like how can we change that and they just both look at him like how dare you sir how dare you try to make us seem on that make us try to be unhappy us being unhappy is the happiest thing that we can do for ourselves so um they arrive in sri lanka and he's like hey everyone so we're gonna do something really local we're gonna do something really local and fun we're gonna travel like the locals do and we're gonna take a bus for two hours with no air conditioning to get to the the airport and everyone's like so then he's like who's excited who wants to do something local and then out of nowhere he goes who's a cunt today it wasn't really out of the blue because okay the someone said the C word, and then the dork twin, dorkus, whatever with the glasses, is like, yeah, like, whatever, that's a C word.

And then he said, yeah, who's a C word today? Raise your hand. Yeah, she said it first, and he went off that. But, of course, Michelle, possum-facedfaced model went cuckoo. She went crazy. Well, now, to be fair, it's wildly inappropriate for him as the tour group leader to use the cut fitness. Also, especially because he's so smiley. But look, we always say it.

Whoever is that smiley is hateful on the inside of it. It's not real. It's always fake. And so the minute, and he said earlier, like, those two girls, they're really hurting my feelings because I've planned this whole trip. And so for them to team up against me. And all of this is with a huge smile on his face, by the way. So the first minute he has a chance to call someone a cup fitness with a big smile, he's like, who's being a cup fitness today? Referring to her because she was being one. So it's like the first minute he can call her a cup fitness with a big smile he's like who's being a cup fitness today referring to her because she was being one so it's like the first minute he can call her a c word he does it

yeah well the thing is i mean the way i saw i didn't actually think he was referring to her i thought he was just making a terrible joke but she's like that was a reference to me wasn't it he was referring to me well i'm not gonna take it that's ridiculous and she loses her shit now she has a right to be upset by the leader of the true group using the word that he said that to me but but she immediately was like that's about me isn't it i mean even if it hadn't been about her she would have said that because she has an opportunity to be outraged and to make a scene and boy does she go with it oh every single time she just loses it for for camera time like she's just obviously cuckoo but not even entertaining cuckoo she's just an asshole she doesn't even wait for a good fight it's all about the c word and he's like yeah but

they say it in britain she's like we're i'm not british i'm not british but it's crazy that he that was his response because he as like the mediator, he should have been like, oh my god, I'm so sorry, it was a bad joke, I didn't, but he's like, well, um, they say it in Britain, so... He's just like, do I look sophisticated? Do I look like I'm witty?

It's clearly a joke. Oh, now it's a joke, am I a joke to you? That's great! Okay, this is on the middle of a bus, with all of these, it's not tourists, it's a joke. Am I a joke to you? That's great. Okay, this is on the middle of a bus with all of these, it's not tourists, it's these idiots with all the locals

who are already horrified to be there. And Jetta's just like smiling and someone starts coming on the bus and she's like, oh, you're about to get on this bus? You might not want to. And he leaves. He gets off the bus.

She's just like, don't come on the bus. This bitch is crazy. so she's still yelling okay so now this is the episode where we can tell the re-editing job that they've done because they've hacked this show up and re-edited and had everybody re-record their right talking heads okay so i don't know who what brilliant person of the office did this but they're like hey the black guy gay the blade uh the black gay guy doesn't really ever talk like we should just have him record a bunch of stuff so now he pops up in every scene just being completely unintelligible he'll be like he's like

girl you mess with my girl and she's gonna get up there she's gonna rip an arm and she's gonna get up there and she's gonna rip an arm and she's gonna get your head. You know what I mean? That's what I'm saying about my girl. I'm like, oh my God. Do not unleash this idiot upon the world. Please. And they did. They did. And she is I mean, she is off her rocker.

She is so furious. She and Heather like, did you mention this this that they came off the bus and sanders tried to mediate and how like um sanders is like well michelle and she's like no sanders and then uh i like that they kept saying uh michelle has history with the word or brandon he's like michelle has history with the word and brandon he's like michelle has history with the word and there's some drama attached and then they cut to michelle talking about supposedly brandy glanville like being mean to her and being like and then they said the c word or something

like she's traumatized they are so ridiculous i love it they're making like this whole backstory like here's the origin story of why cut fitness offends the model stupid i know stupid i mean like again she has a right to be mad but like no you just say i don't appreciate that word and move on with your life my god or she should say you know brandon you shouldn't say that but she instead she pulls this huge line that she keeps on pulling for everything she's like i did not leave my kids and travel halfway around the world to be called a cunt by some little prissy asshole. Yeah, yeah. You left your child and traveled around the world.

You've already completely lost all credibility with me. Like, you don't get to sit here and sob about your son when you left him to be on some shit TV show that they can barely release because you're so stupid on it and and this becomes the line for the rest of the show they're like excuse me miss would you like a croissant i did not travel around the world to not be given a croissant so please give it to me the fact you have to ask me shows how much how little respect you have for me gosh i like the douchebag getting all offended he's like yeah you know like sometimes girls act like that like we're not in la anymore okay lady like reassess your adderall intake or whatever um and i'm like i love how you're talking about how you're not in la but you're wearing a chucky wig that's dyed

black and a full face of old lady makeup right now like you're wearing yolanda foster's brown eyeshadow right now so please exactly and buying like a fistful of viagra cost because it costs 30 cents okay and you're saying you're not in la please walking around with your waxed spray tanned body in the local town he looks so ridiculous he's wearing like his wife beater and his huge muscles and bright red shorts this is so awkward to watch i know exactly and then there's like and there's more like simpering drama between the twins in the sky. Because the really skinny twins are like, well, I'm so happy for my sister, but I feel left out. And then the sister's like, why do you have to use Viagra?

What does this say about you? I'm like, just be happy you're getting boned right now. Okay? Don't question how he does it. She's like, that means, to me, Viagra, lame gay guys who are trying to pretend they're straight. It's like, really? That's what said it to you? It's not the fact that he's wearing eyeshadow, lipstick, and a wig?

She's like, I can't believe it. Like, he already has to take Propecia and Viagra. Like, this scene's only, like, 37 or whatever. I'm like, you know what? Just, you know, like, if you look at him, you would have seen he's a huge douche, okay? So don't blame him for doing douchey things. Yeah, you're literally only with this guy to piss off your sister, okay? Fix your face.

Yeah. Although, actually, it may have been Heather who said that about the shit, but whatever. I'm seeing, oh, they go to a hotel and they have all the dancing people in the front of the hotel. They give them a show. And the donkey-faced makeup twin a show and the donkey face makeup twin whatever the door is twin she's like oh no she just looks all bored she's like she looks at the dancers and then jay the gay guy is like girl these are my bitches yes girl queen jump girl well to be fair he does work at a dance agency so but um yeah no then eventually the the tour guide guy he he comes and like knocks on michelle's door and he's like he's like well i really believe in forgiveness and um so i'm here to

forgive um have you ever been called that word before though stop it i'm gonna stop this right here i'm just trying to apologize i am a woman you are a man you have just ruined all women everywhere he's like first of all i didn't realize you were actually a woman. You are a man. You have just ruined all women everywhere. He's like, first of all, I didn't realize you were actually a woman. So I apologize for that. I thought you were a possum. And those are totally fine to hit with a baseball bat when they're going through your trash. So I thought you were a cartoon broccoli.

So he's talking your name and she's refusing. She's like, well, I do not accept not accept i do not i don't care if you're sorry not accepted and then finally she just can't get past it because he does he's every gay guy would be a good husband to a woman i don't know to another gay guy but we can handle the crazy women because like you're our best friends i guess but he's just talking her down from the ledge he's like yeah it's just so difficult seeing such a beautiful intelligent woman what can we do to change this like everything it's like well you can get me a henna tattoo done okay and then that's it she's like okay well he'll take me to get a tattoo and now he's totally forgiven well i guarantee that he will never

call another woman a cut fitness he's like like, oh, man, the punishment. It was so bad having to spend an afternoon getting henna tattoos with her. Yeah. Alone. No one else would go to be. I'm not sitting in a room with that crazy. I think there's eucalyptus in this. It's very relaxing to my skin.

He's like, oh, my God. She'll be screaming at the tattoo people like this is staining my arm. two people like this is staining my arm the other best thing was the pretty british crazy faced tour guide he's like guys would you like to taste some chili i love chili yum yum local culture local and so they're having these like killer chilies and she's sweating she's like yum yum and sweats pouring down her face like she's not even enjoying it she's just she just likes saying i love her and then what else does she do she oh she goes to the dried fish thing this is later like a different town she's like oh dried fish i love it local experience shall we try it who's brave enough to try it and these idiots are Shall we try it? Who's brave enough to try it?

And these idiots are like, oh, God, I guess she's going to make us try it. And she bites off the head of the fish. And she's sweating buckets because she's about to barf. She's like, I love it. They're like, I love it. And even the guys who were selling it are like, that bitch doesn't even know that you're not supposed to eat the head. And even the guys who were selling it are like, that bitch doesn't even know that you're not supposed to eat the head. I know.

They're like, you could put a piece of shit on a plate and say it's local delicacy and she would eat it. Yeah, and call it delicious. And then I also liked when they played cricket at the end of the episode. And Sanders is like, cricket, I grew up on cricket. I am a great cricket player. This is something that I love. It will help bridge everything. I'm so good at it. Then he's like cutting him like dropping the ball everywhere, letting a little boy

destroy him. So embarrassing. Stupid, beautiful, super sexy Sanders. Stupid Americans. These Americans are so embarrassing. They go to a tea shop at one point and the donkey face twin is like y'all have some tea? And so they give her tea face twin is like, y'all have some tea.

And so they give her tea and she's like, why is your tea hot? I know. She is such a brat, that one. Do you know how to make tea? I'm an entertainment blogger and this is breaking off the press. Tea in Sri Lanka is hot. You heard it here first on my entertainment blog. Why?

Could be one of those headlines with a question. Why is tea hot? I'm going to spill the tea, and it's hot, like in Sri Lanka. But you're local. Yeah, well, they're riding donkeys. What, are we going to ride a donkey now? I love that Jetta was good at cricket. She's like, I hit the ball ball jetta's just so glad to

have an activity she gets to keep her goddamn clothes on well they weren't trying to make me strip and they weren't trying to push me down to like a slide in my thong so i mean and everybody went over their death things again she's like oh i'm so worried because my husband's scooter accident i was like literally no one cares like save him from a heart attack and then the hick it was the hick's birthday and he's like well there was a time when i almost died we know he goes he goes i just wanted to thank y'all i just wanted to thank y'all for sharing my birthday with me. And then Drath goes, I don't think we have a choice, man. And Sandras is like, one time I was naked in the mirror and I was so beautiful I almost died right there. One time I saw myself naked in the mirror and it felt like being on hell when I had to go get detoxed from myself.

And then the British woman is like, one time I went to a place where they had no local food and I almost died right there because it wasn't local I ate a baby one time when I was visiting the land of the hamsters because that's how the local people do it hamsters eat their babies do not buy one

Brendan's like, I almost died because I called Michelle the C-word and she almost killed me and I almost died right in front of all of you. I'm on your side, everyone. Girl, one time I saw a dead person. Woohoo, girl. You my girl. Slay.

Slay, girl. Slay, bitch. And they took it too literally. They almost slayed me, for real. So see you later, tour group. Next week week i think it's on the same time so it should still be playing i guess i guess i guess if it's still on the air who knows we'll see we'll see but whatever they did with the re-editing is hilarious like okay just have the stupid girl eating disgusting things 10 times in an episode and then just have jay going eating disgusting things 10 times in an episode and then just have jay going yes girl and snapping his fingers while the model yells at innocent

people yeah we get the model mad i didn't come halfway across the world to have to go on public transportation uh actually you did because you signed up for a reality show that's and that's specifically what you signed up for i didn't leave my kids to be a bad mom how do i hold my water under how do i hold my breath underwater stupid show i didn't fly halfway across the world to leave my kids have to swim underwater what if i die so okay and then that's it right oh no we're talking about below dick below dick mates on a boat mates on a boat mates on a boat mates on a boat. Mates on a boat. Mates on a boat. Mates on a boat.

You want to take a little break, you poo? I don't need one to eat. I do because I need to eat my think-thin bar, and I don't want to have all the sound of the think-thin bar. Oh, you wuss. All right, do it. I'll go outside and stare at things. Okay.

And now we're on to Below Dick Mediterranean. Oh, my God. So good. So funny, the show. Yeah. These models. I'm kind of liking the new format of letting the people spend more time on the boat because those models are like an endless fount of stupidity. Oh, so, so stupid.

So stupid. I can't eat fish. Fisher people, too. Yeah. so stupid so stupid i can't eat fish fisher people too yeah stupid morgan who is the one that danny is in love with after like 12 hours of gazing into her empty eyes has like after they after they kiss behind the rocks and jen catches them and it's like i'm italian i don't snitch he um they all all the models head back up to the boat and have dinner. And they they have sushi because they've been has been told that the girls all eat fish. Also, they just requested salmon the other night for their midnight snack.

It's hilarious. Oh, my God. You're so right. So Morgan is staring at the sushi. He's like, oh, I don't think Morgan is staring at the sushi and is like, Oh, I don't think I want to have any sushi. It's just been a lot of animals for the weekend. It just makes me sad because here we are, a bunch of fish.

You could go bad at any second, give people food poisoning, and then we're not worth anything anymore. Please don't feed us sushi! And then the sushi comes out, everyone's eating it, and then Ben sends out, you know, whole shrimp with her heads on and Rourke is looking at it, and her lips are like...

You know, she's like trembling. And she's like... How can people be so mean to shrimp after everything that happened on different strokes? Poor Arnold. Don't people know that shrimp, there's only like five of them in the sea? I thought you ladies liked fish. Well, maybe just sometimes.

Stupid Morgan. Her arbitrary stance on fish all of a sudden. Salmon's not fish. It's salmon. Like, it comes wrapped in plastic. I never knew shrimp had heads before. I thought they were just little sea things. Oh, my God. Please don't tell me chicken are people, too.

I love chicken. Oh, my God. she is so dumb and so then she like excuses herself and goes into a bathroom to cry i just care about everything i care about all the things i care about the shrimp i care about see they were all like different we're all together i care about the flies that's why i'm devoting my life to giving old guys boners on calendars and auto shops. Like, you're doing nothing with your life. Could you please stop? If you're going to be, like, standing up for everything, how about you do something other than just, like, show your tits on a calendar? Yeah.

You know, every time someone falls in love with me, I have to tell them, don't fall in love with me. There are other fish in the sea, but if we eat all the fish, they can't see that anymore. There's too many fish in the sea. Just please don't eat them. I'll date you if you want. Just don't date another fish. I

love animals, unless it's convenient for me to eat them, and then I don't care about them, but when I'm not hungry, I care about them again. Oh my god, I didn't know salmon was supposed to be a real person. Like I broke up with that guy and I said there's enough fish in the sea.

You guys, you killed my eggs. Don't you watch Downton Abbey? There's someone named Shrimpy on there. You can't eat Shrimpy. He's a valuable character. Downton Abbey's the only show that I watch. It's in a different language. She wouldn't even understand.

She'd be like, why is everybody wearing so many clothes? And when is Abby going to show up? When did they go downtown? I love Abigail Breslin, but she's not on this show. It's named after her. Spoiler alert. No one ever goes downtown on Downtown with Abby. Downtown with Abby.

Dear Abby, why aren't you on your show? Signed, Confused Watcher. Abby's dead. No! Ben probably cooked her better to hot intelligent people why are you serving advice people it's not fair it's not nice to them i'm sad oh what an idiot and then speaking of idiots don't worry it's not only the women and that's you know i'll say it a million times thank you bravo for giving us shows to hate on men on because jesus danny hate on men on men on hate on men on from talking about all these stupid people yeah it's also contagious so love struck danny is

like in the galley or wherever and he decides to write a poem to make morgan feel better because he heard that she was crying about the salmon he's like rub a dub dub thanks for the grub can i fuck you now yeah love danny this is the here is the full text of the poem yes when fish die they swim towards the light as they journey towards the afterlife their souls will be filled with delight so smile because everything will be all right. God. P.S. Wasabi makes it go down easier. P.S. Third grade will be much easier for you.

Like, I mean, who was he writing this poem for? This was written towards a three-year-old, and he's, like, in love with her. And he couldn't even give it to her, so he's just going to save it for his hot mom. This was like a foreign film you know lovers who could not be who lovers who could not you know make their love knowns they have to exchange secret messages oh god this guy so his dick is basic i mean this is one of the legit straight men on bravo yeah you just know because the models just changed his whole life. The models.

And he just starts crying. And then the cat, he gets in trouble because everybody hates him now because he's just over it. And I like the doofus fire hydrant person. What's his name? I think his name is Bobby. The one who thinks he's hot but has like. He is hot. No, he's not.

He has those big stupid eyes and that under has like – He is hot. No, he's not. He has those big stupid eyes and that underbite. He's like, girls, I'll do anything for a girl. Shut up. So that guy, he hates Danny now, and he's tattletailing on him and getting him in all this trouble. Because Danny – because he's like, you've got to help me. And Daniel's like, no, I've got to write a poem. So that way, you know, I've got to charm. I've got to give experience.

Otherwise, she's going to be crying. We've got to guess who's crying. I've got to write a poem. I've got to fix it with a poem. He's like, no, you've got to sweep the depths. He's like, no. He's like, fine. Why don't you call Captain down here then?

Why don't you call Brian down here? He's like, fine. And he does. He's like, oh, Bobby. I'm a person who really cares about people's experiences on the boat. Like, I care about their souls. I'm the person who cares about souls. How about you make sure that the boat doesn't crash into the dock or whatever.

Like, horrifying things you guys have going on over there. He's the reason why the Titanic crashed. Because he wasn't looking at the iceberg. He was writing poems to Kate Winslet. Yeah, he, like, had a boner for Kathy Bates. Or Francis Ford. he was writing poems to kate winslet yeah he like had a boner for kathy bates or francis uh board um so then like when leo's go into the sea they swim towards the light in his mind he's like telling some poor stripper that leo really lived he's really just in fish heaven we're eating leo my heart will not go on so um so eventually so so brian comes in the captain comes in and bobby's like danny wants

to write poems little people and and the cap is like this is totally inappropriate and he's like, Danny wants to write poems. So people and the captain's like, this is totally inappropriate. And he's like, no, it's not inappropriate. And he's like, no, don't do it. Don't write a poem. Don't give it to her. And then he's like, agree to disagree. I'm like, are you crazy? Are you crazy saying agree to disagree to your captain?

I blew it for no blow job. Like he gets nothing out of it. Yeah. He doesn't even get to gets nothing out of it. Yeah. He doesn't even get to make out with the girl. Yeah, Kevin's like, don't connect. It's not your job to make a connection. Oh, agree to disagree. We're going to fall in love.

So is he in trouble with the captain yet? Not yet, because Danny is, he is sad. He's angry because he's like, I put time and energy into the poem. I'm like, you did not put time and energy into the poem i'm like you did not put time and energy into it because you just you told bobby that's only going to take a minute so your poem only took a minute's right so it really does not have actually a lot of thought into it so don't say you put like time and energy and that was like a part of you because then he starts saying well like they're trying to steal a part of me away from me like i can't like i want to be a

good worker but i can't just like sit here while they're trying to take a part of me away from me. Like, I can't, like, I want to be a good worker, but I can't just, like, sit here while they're trying to take a part of me away. I'm like, are you 14? What is wrong with you right now, part of you? You wrote a stupid poem on a staples pad. It's not a part of you. Did shaky spear listen

when people told him not to open a shake shack? No. Now he's like a writer and he has cups with his names on them, so. If people, if you prick me, do I not bleed? Oh, why'd you prick me?

I'm bleeding. Oh, stop. And he's like, I'm not doing it because the girls are hot. Like, I just feel for people. It's not that I want to help hot girls. I just want to help people. Oh, OK. Show me a poem you've written about how fish go to heaven

to an ugly person yeah i would love to see that exactly so then um he he's he sneaks the poem to the girls after after all um even though he's not supposed to which of course bobby sees and bobby tattles bobby or brian someone sees it and tattles on him again. But the best part is the girls take the note back to their cabin. They read it. And they're like, oh, it's so cute. But my favorite is one of the girls points out that it says, it says, to Morgan from Daniel. And she goes, that's a true note writer.

He really knows how to write a note. I like that we knew the who what where right in the beginning of his note like you always know a bad note writer when they don't say to morgan or from daniel kristin's at home like oh my god he nailed the game right now mushroom mushroom hair so so then they are so then

this is when Danny gets into trouble and he Danny literally says at one point somewhere in this mess he's like you guys don't know how to make moments Danny the moment maker so he finally gets in trouble and he has to go up and talk to the chef and the chef the chef is typical i'm gonna be real tough on this kid i mean the captain yeah the captain's like i'm gonna be tough on this kid i'm gonna fix this kid rules and he comes up and he's like okay now that now that's your second strike. Like, geez, dude.

That's his, like, 20th strike. I know. I told you not to leave him out. And he's like, but I want to be here. I want to be successful and take care of my family. He's, it was actually worth it to have him not get fired because his punishment was that he had to stay below deck. He had to be in his, he was, he literally got grounded. It was like, you go to your room, mister, and you don't come out.

So he was stuck in his room and he didn't get to say goodbye to the girls. He's like, I don't even get to say goodbye. Like, nope. Hope it was worth it. The captain, the captain dissed him in the best way because he's like i can't help but like being nice and helping people i just want people have to come to me you know because they have like deep things inside them and i just want them to know they can come to me and the captain goes maybe you should be a walmart greeter or something

you just got hoodwinked by a bunch of strippers okay it's their job to be nice to you and he's like yeah what yeah he looked when when the captain and i think i'm looking at my notes i'm realizing that we're actually all out of order but it doesn't matter but when the captain eventually when captain did tell danny that they are professional flirts he looked crushed yeah he is the patsy in the film noir who gets framed for the murder he is the one that linda fiorentino ruins i'm sorry dude that's what he told the captain yeah i'm sorry dude he's like now listen i'm a real strict guy okay you're still not fired. Have fun. Go downstairs.

Your punishment is you get to masturbate in your room for two days straight. Bye. Danny is basically the new Rocky. That's what he is. He's he Rocky. Yeah, he's, yeah. Because Rocky also avoided being fired several times for things that were even worse um but uh danny i loved watching him open his room as he like stormed back and forth and got up and sat down and wiped tears away didn't get to say goodbye

and as everyone noticed the girls didn't even ask about him they're like bye yeah but they left a note they left a note he's like oh my god it's for me thank you so much for like we're on a boat and like remember that time like we went off that boat that time remember bye great notes you know it was probably just like a folded up like like kids menu from the tilted kilt you know it's like a placemat menu that has a maze on it and a word scramble he's like she unscrambled the words for me now our love is unscrambled i hope you guys aren't waiting for a tip because like to a stripper when someone said here's just

the tip that's like the most offensive thing okay they they said that he was an honorary kilt but like they give kilt towels to everyone. But he's like, it's so special. My first load is going to be so dried on this thing. Thank you, girls. Fish are in heaven. All fish go to heaven. All fish go to heaven.

All of you might not. go to heaven all fish go to heaven all of you might not but oh and then the best is he goes i built a friendship for a lifetime with morgan and the girls i'm like you built a friendship for a lifetime from the 12 hours you spent is this summer camp remember that time i told her like i really like her butt remember when she told me how she likes getting ready in the morning oh my god we totally bonded. Oh, the girls get dressed and they get to go out, but the deckhands have to stay on and babysit stupid. And so the girls are getting ready to go out. And he's like, everyone hates me.

And, like, I don't want everyone to hate me. So, like, I'm going to win their trust back. And so he dresses like the only responsible deckhand, the fireman. He puts on fireman clothes, and he's like, Whoa, guys, whoa, it's a fire. Look at me, I got a hose. And Bobby's like, So, meanwhile, we're starting to see

some romantic, I don't know if it's like a love triangle, it's looking like a love rhombus at this point, because Hannah likes Ben. Ben likes Tiffany. But Tiffany likes Brian. Tiffany likes wine. That's it.

Tiffany likes wine because Brian had the worst pickup line. He gets drunk when they're all off partying and he's like, So, how do you like your cheese grated? Little noodles or big long slices yeah how about like melted and in the garbage or whatever he would have a long slicey penis it's like a big long flat weird looking thing way to take something that's not phallic at all and make it just strange like it doesn't work that way like you can't i'm sorry a parmesan chard does not just does not it's not the equivalent of a long penis also people chasing tiffany i mean only on a boat yeah only on a damn boat or in jail yeah exactly

so they go out they all get wasted what is this? And how is this not sexual harassment? When your boss is like, hey, yeah, I got something you can swallow. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just ordering shots here, buddy. as danny to show that he's a nice guy he prints out a bunch of photos from jen's facebook wall and then takes a picture of her dog and does origami with her towel and puts the dog on it i was like i'm sorry this is just creepy i don't think this is nice it's just creepy yeah it's like a vision board it's just like meat-fed women playing different sports yeah dog but then the they all come back from the shore and they're like oh look danny's and jenny's like i think i'm gonna cry yeah she's like yo well i wanted to like beat the shit out of him and like i wanted to slit his throat but then he made me a dog thing so like whatever like he's cool he's he's he's nice now he better buy for me next time though yeah you better wake up and do my

chores at six in the morning or i'm gonna fucking kill him because i'm a lesbian yet do you hear i'm a lesbian oh the most awkward part to me was hannah hannah gets so loose when she's drunk yeah like she gets drunk and she's like yeah yeah you want to stick it inside me then ben i'm like whoa hannah calm down and then she's walking away with Brian, and he goes, so what's going on between you and Ben? She's like, well, he's a nice man, and I think that he's, you know, very mature and blah, blah. And they cut to Ben on a fake toy motorcycle for a child

that you put a quarter into, and he's like, whoa, hoo. Oh, yeah. So much fun out there on the motorcycle. and he's like whoa oh yeah so then they get back to the boat and she is basically all up in his business she's kissing him and like fingering his butt crack or whatever yeah she literally has her her face up ready to receive a kiss yes and she's doing that big smiley thing and he goes well i don't know if i'm ready yet and then he just backs up and she's been this is what you do you found a lovely pretty nice girl and this is how you're gonna treat her i was like only in 2016 would that be a bad thing where the guy's like

i'm not gonna fuck you on camera where the entire country can see it and your mom and grandma can see it he's like he's like i'm gonna go to bed it's like how dare you so disrespectful you find a nice girl and you don't fuck her the first chance you can get on the camera who raised you what's not to like about me i'm a raging bitch don't you want that that was pathetic hannah chasing around dick and it's animaniacs dick it's not even like real dick. And you know what? She is going to turn nasty on him. We've seen this happen before.

She's been rejected and she is going to be evil to him. You're leading me on. That's what they're doing. And then they show Brian just goes straight in. Mr. Rules like goes and brings Tiffany into his bed. And they're like dry humping on the bed. Under Ben's bed. Yeah, and Ben's like, I'm not fucking high school anymore.

Get out of here, fucking jerk-off. Yeah, well, he was mad because Brian got Tiffany. But when Ben eventually gets Tiffany, because I'm sure it will happen. Oh, man, Hannah is going to lose it because Hannah hates Tiffany. Except they like each other for right now because Tiffany took out the trash or something. Hannah's like, maybe I had it wrong about you. It's just the first day I get real nervous

and I stop making people bleed out of their eyes. But you know, now I can say, you're just a dumb little girl with mousy features and bad hair. She's like, thanks, that's so nice. She's like, I can tell that you're actually a pretty good lass and that you'd never ever ever give a blowjob to ben or even look in his direction am i right i can tell that about you to die when a nice girl gets screwed over by a chef oh you go do we have any Swiffer refills?

I liked also, by the way, we had a, they did a nice little flashback to Kate, because Ben's like, you know, the most intense relationship has been between a chef and a chief stew. And they cut to Kate being like, could you get out of my face, please? I was like, hey, Kate. Yeah, oh, Ben.

Is your opinion on Below Deck Med still, has it changed a little bit or are you i thought it was a super fun episode but it's kind of annoying to watch something that's just a ripoff of another thing they do the exact same things they're like we're gonna talk the captain's mad they're drunk but at least it's funny i was laughing my ass off especially that part with uh uh revenge kate whatever the girl from revenge playing kate getting totally dumped on by ben and then begging like a crazy person that was so sad that it made me happy exactly and it was pretty surprising because normally the doc drama is usually like oh no oh no the cable's tight the bumpers the bumpers the bump we're coming in too fast.

And then they doc and it's fine. But this time they actually did not doc. I was like, whoa, crazy. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, our fish people. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Here's what I think you should do, Ronnie. Because I was thinking about it when I was watching. I was like, you know, rather than think of it as a different show that's derivative of the original, just pretend it's just Below Deck.

Because Below Deck changes its cast every year anyway anyway so just think of it as just another season yeah well i'm a total flip-flopper and so i can hate something one second and then like it again this week i really liked it and i also liked tour groups so who knows you know my opinion changes like the weaned yeah like just in the wind oh i'm just a nice girl you're gonna treat me like that below dick thank you everybody for listening to water crobbins uh next week is gonna be a farm yeah and don't forget everyone by the way um we have our 300th episode party coming up on June God, that's so fast.

Thursday, June 9th. It'll be somewhere in West Hollywood. We don't know where yet. Yeah. This is really all my fault because I tell Ronnie every single day I'm going to call the bar and then I always forget because it's hard. You have to call them like at night and I always think about during the day. I was literally at that bar on Saturday. I'm going to call them right night. I always think about it during the day. I was literally at that bar on Saturday.

I'm going to call them right now. I just forgot. It was too busy. Anyway, we'll figure it out and announce that. Come to watchwhatcrappens.com for all our links. Whatever Ben said. Listen to him. Then go to patreon.com slash watchwhatcrappens to get the bonus episodes and ringtones, etc.

And go to facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens to talk crap with us and other listeners. We love you guys. Bye. Such a fun episode. Bye. And we'll see you next time. Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash crappens.

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