Watch What Crappens - #329: Mommie Dearest

Episode Date: September 21, 2016

It was just supposed to be a simple performance. Shannon Beador's kids had formed a group called LOCK and were due to make their concert debut. But then Shannon's mother-in-law Donna showed up, and our lives were irreversibly changed. Come hear the whole story as well as the latest drama(ish) on Real Housewives of New Jersey. Plus, a new segment called Crappens Superfight! 00:00:00 - Intro 00:06:21 - Crappens Superfight! 00:14:25 - Real Housewives of Orange County 01:04:32 - Real Housewives of New Jersey Subscribe at https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Support us at https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at https://facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at https://watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

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joining me is the hilarious and wonderful and just simply divine Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com and the Rose Pricks podcast and Big Brother Smother podcast. Hey, Ronnie, what is up? Hello, Ben.

How are you? So good. My gas works. Ronnie's gas works. He's been eating a lot of beans. Just kidding. We just recorded a bonus episode and we had a few interruptions from a gas man who came over to Ronnie's place to make sure pilot lights were working and he wasn't going to die on us or explode. Living. Living, yeah. Little fun times there.

The bonus episode, if you're new to this podcast you have no idea what we're talking about. We do a weekly bonus episode which is additional content and you can listen to it if you support us on Patreon by going to patreon.com forward slash watch what crap ends and at the very least if you support us on patreon by going to patreon.com forward slash watch what crap ends and at the very least if you support us there you get access to this weekly bonus episode

this week's was a bit bonkers i would have to say was it not it was crazy but there's a lot of angelina in there y'all i mean how could it not be bonkers on a day when brangelina has been ripped asunder by themselves also ricky schroeder and his wife i mean oh yeah yeah it's it's just it's just a tough day for america so we talk about that we talk about walmart and leonardo dicaprio and emmys and um just everything so go go to patreon support us um and uh you can get access to that weekly hangouts we're gonna do one next thursday yes next thursday is our monthly i said weekly hangout i meant monthly hangout we're gonna do a monthly hangout next thursday which is going to be september 29th hell yeah party time same day as my friend sarah birthday. And then, of course, you can, with the...

I'm, like, deranged today. But you can also contribute to the Krappens mailbag. And we have a new thing that we're starting up today. We'll talk about that in a little bit. But through Patreon, you can also help us out with that. So, there's that. This week, Ronnie and I are going to be performing. We're going to be doing a special Crappens episode

from the LA Podfest this Sunday at 7 p.m. at the Sofitel in Beverly Hills. Our special guest will be Molly McAleer, who is always hilarious. We will have more details on what we're doing later this week. But if you're in town, come to the L.A. Podfest and watch us. And if you're not, you can actually watch us on their feed.

And if you sign up for their feed and use the promo code CRAPPINS, you get like $5 off, which is really cool. So we really hope everyone comes and sees us because we'll be mortified if we only have five people there. Oh, man. Don't be mortified if we only have five people there. Oh, man. Don't be mortified. I'm always mortified. Also, Facebook.com forward slash Watch What Crappens. Join in on the conversation there. Super fun.

And WatchWhatCrappens.com to get access to our social media links, you know, like Snapchat and Instagram and all that stuff. So that's all the news that's fit to print in terms of that. So why don't we, shall we move forward? Is there anything else we have to talk about at the top of the show here? No, let's move forward. Moving forward, moving forward. So normally this is the time when we do our crappins mailbag, which we love and adore, but we thought we'd change it up, you know,

just for variety's sake and we've decided we're going to introduce a new segment we haven't really named the segment um so we decided that we're going to do this segment on tuesdays and we'll do crappin's mailbag on thursdays and um if anyone has been on our facebook page recently. I went on to Facebook Live last week and I teased this a little bit. There's this game called Super Fight. It's a party game that you can just buy and play.

And it's this really fun game where you basically have an argument with a friend over who would win a fight. Like, would it be... If you play Superman versus Batman, who would win? And like would it be if if you play superman versus batman who would win and what if it was superman with like um five hands versus a batman who could you know shrink you know who would fight right it's it's a theoretical fight and you and you figure out

how this what the parameters are by drawing cards from this deck. So I went and I bought this game because I thought, wouldn't it be hilarious if we did Super Fight for Real Housewives? Or really any Bravo people. Okay. So the new segment that we have not named, I don't know, should we call it Bravo Super Fight? Yeah, I'm down. Crap and Super Fight. Crap and Super Fight.

Okay. I actually made a little jingle because I was bored, but we haven't actually named it. We're going, what's going to happen is we're going to pick two people from the Bravo universe at random, and then we're going to draw cards from this deck, which will give them special attributes. And we are going to debate a little bit about who would win a fight. Okay. And then we're going to turn it over to the listeners.

And if you are a Patreon supporter, you can write in. We'll make a little entry where you can write in and say who you think would win the fight. And then next week, we'll read what you say, and we'll declare a winner based on that. And whoever wins the fight will then go on to take on a new opponent. Okay. All right? Yeah. So why don't we do the crap and super fight?

Okay, do it. Let's fight. Okay. Let's fight. Let's fight. Okay. I'm reaching into... Are you rolling to die right now no i have a paper bag omg okay so i i i took a bunch of bravo names and put them in the bag and i'm pulling one out randomly so our first contender is vicky gunvalson. Oh god, she wins.

Vicky Gunvalson, who has a time machine phone booth and throws knives. And who? She throws knives. So Vicky has a time machine phone booth and can throw knives. Versus

Lisa Rinna. Who is pregnant. she's pregnant and riding a motorcycle riding a motorcycle so can a pregnant lisa rinna on a motorcycle beat vicky gunvalson throwing knives at her with a time machine oh my god okay i think no because vicky gumvelson you know she's a terrible aim i feel like every time she has an insurance meeting and she's like okay here's a dart you know whatever you throw it on is the kind of free insurance your daughter will get for the month or whatever you know she always gets like the wall. She's the worst. I know that she wouldn't be able to aim. I feel like Vicky, she would have this time machine, this phone move time machine, but she's like, I don't know.

I don't know how to work it. She's like, I don't know. I don't know what to do. Like, how does it work? What's going on? She wouldn't be able to use it. And she'd spend all her time trying to figure out how to make her time machine work that she wouldn't even throw any of her knives. And Lisa Rinna, hormonal and pregnant, would come and just ride around with that motorcycle.

And then Vicky would just faint and die. I feel like Vicky would go back in time, but then she'd get so preoccupied with her own face that she wouldn't even be able to fight with anybody. She'd be like, here here i am back in 2016 and then she'd go back to like the beginning of 2016 and be like whoa what's that is that she'd probably go to a really terrible time for she would probably like accidentally go to like 736 ad and start asking for baby Troy. Lisa Rinna would just be like, I'm on a motorcycle.

This is nuts. Own it, baby. Own your knives, baby. Stop throwing them at me. Own it, baby. I'm having a baby, baby. I love that even in a hypothetical game, Vicky's throwing knives at a pregnant woman. She's never just a good person it's very very probably trying to sell the bitch insurance at the same time

and i love the idea that lisa renna pregnant is somehow a menacing thing. Like, whoa. I don't know if I want to get into a fight with a pregnant Lisa Rinna, especially on wheels. Own it, baby. Find little baby wigs. All right. What do you guys think? Who wins the fight?

Vicky Gunvalson throwing knives with access to a time machine? Or a Pregnant Lisa Rinna just on a motorcycle? Not even really attacking. She's just on a motorcycle. This game is so unbalanced. Like, she can't even run anybody over with her motorcycle. She can.

She can totally run someone over if she wants. But then she'll be thrown off the bike with the baby inside of her. Like, there's no winning. Well, maybe she'll jump off and just send the the baby inside of her. Like there's no winning. Well maybe she'll jump off and just send the motorcycle running into Vicky's time machine. Vicky's like in a time machine trying to make the buttons work and then the motorcycle goes flying

into it and knocks her over. It knocks her over in 1987 but she wears a neck brace until 2032. She just goes back to 1985 and finds some Libyans. When the cutout dress made sense. I just like that she goes to different time periods

and starts throwing knives everywhere. Like some Super Mario Brothers villain. Oh, I'm here now. Knife, knife, knife, knife. It's the real reason why the dinosaurs went extinct. Vicky went back in time and knifed them all. Oh, darling. No matter what year you travel back to, Gretchen will always have a younger face.

Sorry. There's no fixing the unfixable. That's a Gretchen brontosaurus. However. All right, enough of that super fire. Let's close it out. Shut up. You're stupid.

Fun times. Fun times. Fun times. All right. So shall we move on to Real... Oh, wait. Before we move on to Real Housewives of Orange County, I feel like we have something to talk about. What?

Well, something that'll make you smile, Ronnie. Do it, Ben. Well, everyone deserves a smile they'll love, but they shouldn't have to pay their orthodontist a small fortune for it. Am I right? Ain't that the truth. Yeah. Smile Direct Club is the first digital brand for your smile,

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evaluation cost visit smile direct club.com slash crappins today to save on this offer if you, your children ages 12 or older, or anyone you know is interested in training their smile. Board-certified state-licensed dentists and orthodontists within Smile Direct Club Network are involved throughout the process to assess and prescribe remote treatment. Yeah, and the treatment times are about five months, but they can range from three to ten months. It can also be an easy solution for people who had braces but failed to wear their retainers and their teeth shifted back. You know who you are. Yeah, you know who you are, teeth shifter. Teeth shifter.

Okay, so everyone go to smiledirectclub.com slash crappens, okay? And, you know, it's important. Ronnie is actually on a very personal journey of evaluation at this moment. Are you not? Yes, I'm just starting with my treatment right now. The video, let's see. Just go to, I was going to start talking about a video. That is not necessary.

You're going to want to see a video when you got straighter ass teeth. Just to give everyone the special offer. Yes. Save 50% off the cost of the Smile Direct Club evaluation by visiting smiledirectclub.com slash crappins. That's smiledirectclub.com slash crappins.

Unavailable in North Carolina. But everywhere else is good. Give them a internet ring. Yeah. So everyone, go do that. Go fix your mouth. Fix your mouth.

Fix your face. All right. Well, we've talked about janky teeth. We've talked about violent fights. So naturally, it's time to get on to Real Housewives of Orange County. Is it not? Oh, Orange County. Full of such gold this week. Yeah.

I'm the Orange County's Rodney King. Oh, my God. Not the same night that there was a police shooting. Please, please. Fucking Tamara. Tone deaf Tamara. Yeah. We wouldn't want her any other way. She's almost as tone deaf as, like, literally Shannon.

Oh, goodness. So, yes. Yeah We wouldn't want her any other way She's almost as good as like literally Shannon Oh goodness So yes continue You sew You sew it I'm gonna take a sip for my coffee Oh that's a good idea Hey everybody guess what It's time to go to rock and roll school With the B-Doors

Her kids are in some rock club And I don't understand the name it's lock yeah this didn't make sense so they're calling themselves lock because they're ladies of rock but i'm like you know that's not really how um how uh how that works i forget what you call them what do you call it what do you what do you like asap i keep on saying anachronism but that's not correct you know antonym no um i don't know i'm really stupid and this show doesn't help it just kills more brain cells i'm like wow i'm as stupid as i have ever been and then i watch this show and i forget i even said that yeah uh so we get the regular getting ready in the morning thing and um tamra is in a scene with

my favorite supporting character christian crazy workout lady mia it's like squat squat like jesus bitch i just love workout christian Work off that wafer, bitch. So she's working up and workout Christian is actually like, back it up. Back it up. Which I still miss you, Real Housewives of New York. Come back. I know, please. So Tamara's like, this is the first time I've done squats since the accident, bitch. Go, Tamara.

Stop making it sound like you've been run over by a train and you can barely believe that you're still here. I know. I know. She is really taking this and running with it. Like, my back is spasming, bitch. It's like Jesus is saying hello to my vertebrae. It's like sometimes it spasms and sometimes it doesn't, bitch. I like that Mia crazy workout question was like, okay, well, your injury is a reflection, not an extension.

Is that from the Bible? Where are you even getting that? I don't know. I think she just found some words and put them together. By the way, the word is acronym. Lock acronym. For those of you who are sitting listening and being like, acronym, acronym, acronym.

That's what we were trying to say before. That is a reflection, not an extension. It's a definition of a reflection. Okay, Tamara, now squat, bitch. Squat, bitch. I felt bad for Mia because she had to pretend to be the husband in this scene where we always see the wife talking to the husband he has to pretend he gives a crap what they're talking about cameron's like people are mean to me she's like i really don't care like i'm paid

for five more minutes to be here finish yeah she's like well you found christ and they haven't yet so you know that's just the way it is she's's like, Mia has really, like, my halo is crooked, batch, and Mia fixes it, batch. It's great. I told you to go to hell, batch! Mia's like, now, now, people in the Bible don't say that. I'm like, literally, God says it all the time.

Like, that's what the Bible is based around, okay? Literally, do the right thing and go to heaven. Do the wrong thing and go to hell. Batch. What right thing you go to heaven do the wrong thing you go to hell batch what church do you go to sounds amazing the ten commandments batch come from love camera yeah well i wanted to say shut the fuck up before i punch you in the face batch and then tamra is so mad about Megan, and she tells Mia, I can't understand.

Who can't have compassion for somebody who's been in an accident? Tamara, do you not remember trying to derail Vicky's entire life? Yes. Yes. You literally kicked the crutches. And by crutches, I mean, you know, Brooks is probably half full penis right out from under her. And let's face it. Everyone in Orange County is basically a car wreck.

So really, Tamara should have a lot more compassion if she's going to start saying those sort of things. You can't just start feeling for every wreck that walks through the door. OK. Yeah. you can't just start feeling for every wreck that walks through the door okay yeah so meanwhile um the bedore daughters we've learned have created this poorly acronymed rock band called ladies of rock aka lock which really should be lore but whatever so um so they are going to be performing lord of the rings that's like it's like too close to lord which actually they probably would have sold more tickets they're like lor in concert but the lord covered in their own sperm would show up or people who think it's going to be lord from

new zealand so um taylor swift yeah she's operating to go the words to a dream catcher i'm actually surprised taylor swift was not at this concert in the front row singing along. It's like new 15-year-olds on the rock scene. I'm in. I'm in. So they're in a rehearsal session, and Shannon's like, wow, who feels like a rock star? Wow. Wow? Wow. Wow.

Wow. It's rock and roll. It's rock and roll. It's rock and roll. You gotta feel it. Shut up, mom. Idiot. I'm like, mom, I'm a cool mom now.

Listen, I like rock and roll. You're not rock and roll until you get some ass hair from doing lines off your dad's crack. Now who's rock and roll? Is Shannon Bedore rock and roll? Yep. Yes. Yes. Yes.

If sticking an enema up your butt and getting it stuck up there isn't rock and roll, then I don't know what is. David. I had a thumb up my butt last season. Where is rock and roll? David. David. Am I rock and roll? David? David, am I rock and roll? David? 40 to 50 rock and roll thoughts a day.

Yes, dear, you're very rock and roll, dear. I would like to make an announcement that your mother is the most rock and roll mom. Did I say it right, dear? That'll suffice, David. I'm like a regular Nelson Brothers band. Am I right? Mom. Can't live without your love and affection.

David? David, do you have love and affection for me too? David? David? I'm a real Tiffany, girls. Do I want to sing in malls? No. No.

Is it only my dreams? No. That's Debbie Gibson? No. Is it only my dreams? No. That's Debbie Gibson? No. Is her name Deborah now? Yes. Do I know that because I'm rock and roll? Yeah. My favorite band is Def Leppard, only because I identify with what it must feel like

to be with a deaf person like David who never listens to me. David. David. I just want someone to feel my vibrations like a deaf leopard would. Damn it. So the guy teaching this rock school is I know that I

bring up Muppets all the time. Partly it's because I will never age in my brain. My back hair does, but my brain doesn't necessarily. You guys, this guy was that Muppet who plays the saxophone. What was his name? Doc something? Oh, I don't.

The saxophone one? I can't keep them all. I can't. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know all the names that people, all the Muppet band members. It like literally doesn't matter. I don't even know why I asked you.

That was just like a stressful pop quiz question that nobody should have to be prepared for but he's there and my notes were uh his dye job on his beard and his hair is terrible and he probably wears that suit everywhere he goes yes every minute of the day to bed as evidenced by the fact we saw him in the same suit twice. I wrote down that he looked like Carlos Santana as a private investigator. What kind of things would he investigate? I don't even want to know. Just change your suit. That'll be for the next Scrappin's Mailbag.

So Shannon is doing a Real Housewives of Cheshire where she's like, Nate Dolby? And trying to give notes on this rock band because this is an exact storyline. Like when you're taken from Cheshire. But Shannon's like, I'm rock and roll.

I was in the Madrigals. Like, what the fuck is that? It's an elite singing group. Acapella. Elite. Very elite. Acapella. Elite. Very elite. Acapella. Nothing says rock and roll like acapella.

Like Pentatonix, I have not rocked out since the last time I've been to a concert like that. Sterling wanted her to die. He's like, please die. Please just die. She wouldn't stop talking. Can I be the first to say on the crappins podcast that that kid can drum her ass off geez yeah good for her it's like there's a talent yeah young sophie or whatever her good old sophie well it's a good way to channel your adolescent rage at your

dysfunctional parents right drumming dream catcher yeah by the way did anyone inform those lovely girls that they had completely ripped off Pat Benatar because someone's gonna have to mention that at some point they think they wrote it yeah well if you're gonna write from your experience write from my nightmare catcher how about that almost chlamydia catcher how about that nightmare

David nightmare David chlamydia catcher a few notes a few notes why don't we change the word dream to nightmare and then change the word nightmare to chlamydia thanks we'll change chlamydia to it's your mother's fault david so vicky is still milking i mean that girl might as well get a farm she's making some cheese with all that milk you still she's got even a different neck brace now she's like well this one's more fashionable i was like is that a neck it's like waddle spanks it's not even a neck brace at this point yeah she uh yeah she got shannon's voicemail where she was like well i didn't understand the severity of it and i guess i was just overloaded with so many positive thoughts about my marriage because David is just, David, so wonderful.

Such a wonderful husband. Anyway, I'm sorry. I hope you're feeling better. I just wanted to say that everything I heard about your accident was totally different than how I heard it later. And we're so happy! Here lies here lies Shannon Bedore,

killed by preconceptions about Vicky's accident and her happiness! Ha! Ha! If you could be tickled to death by love, I would be dead, David! David! David, David. I have never been so happy as the time I thought about 15 years of misery with my mother-in-law. So happy.

Happy. Oh, stupid Vicky. Vicky really is just going to milk this. Now suddenly Vicky is forgiven for everything. Vicky never did anything wrong because she's got a fake neck injury. She's like, you know, a real friend? A real friend

would just drop everything and come. Like if she was a real friend, she would have come. If she was real. But she's not. She wouldn't even care if I was paralyzed. And you're not getting a call back, Miss Shannon Bedore. No, you're a fake. You're not even a real person. You're like Casper the Friendly Ghost. That's what you are, but you're not fake. You're not even a real person. You're like Casper the Friendly Ghost.

That's what you are, but you're not friendly. You're Casper the Mean Ghost. You're just like, you know what you are? You're just a mean ghost. That's all. You're as fake as Brooks's cancer. You're Slimer. Okay?

You're Slimer. And not the redo. The original. Original Slimer. Because you're old. You're just as old. I was just in the time machine. And I saw him. The original. Original Slimer. Because you're old. You're just as old. I was just in the time machine.

And I saw him. Trust me. I threw so many knives at him. And all he did was spray Jell-O on me. Okay? And that's what you are. I went back to Slimer's age. And he wouldn't die. But then he had a baby.

Don't get me started on Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. I'm still waiting to get my knives back from him. They just go right in there and get stuck. Oh, Lord. So next up, Kelly and Tamara on the phone. They're all going to go to Shannon's packing party. Great. And Tamara, because she's such a good person, she's like, I'm going to go help Shannon pack Batch, but I told her I would only come if you invite Kelly to our batch. And then we have a flashback of Shannon.

Well, I guess if I'm telling you to make up with Meghan King Edmonds, then I suppose that I can make up with Kelly. Which is then what caused Tamara to then say. I thought you were going to say it. What happened... I thought you were going to say it. What happened? I thought you were going to say it. Oh, I thought you had a sound cue. I was like, ooh, I can't wait to hear it. No, I mean, I can play a sound cue,

but it won't have anything to do with anything. Judgy eyes. Ow! Ow! Ow! That's the best one yeah so everybody's dying over this invitation to that huge party

in Shanna's closet but you're you didn't even say that quote that's when Tamara said that she's the Robin King of the OC who says that like the only i don't even we all just get along i'm like well i wish you're the rodney king of the ocs that way a bunch of people could come and beat you up on the side of a highway

rodney king's face healed better than yours let's be honest that's the least um disgusting joke i could think of to use on this podcast you're all welcome okay it could have been worse ronnie king died didn't he he's dead right yeah he died oh so here lies ronnie king killed by david's infidelity no actually died of natural he died of i think out of horror no david's infidelity. No, actually he died of natural. He died of, I think he had a heart attack. No, it was David's infidelity. I'm pretty sure. I love when Kelly is like somewhat sober and just totally forgets everything that happened before. She's like, Glamis made me feel like this feud is stupid.

Like, why was I fighting with beer? I never should have been fighting with beer. I love beer. Like I learned in Glamis how much love I have for beer. Stupid Kelly. Vicky talks men. Okay, so Vicky is with Brianna, so of course, this is

the point at which I thought, okay, time to make a potato, so I got up and went to the kitchen. Why not something starchy and tasteless? Vicky's telling Brianna. I was alone at Christmas. Isn't that why people get married? So they don't have to be alone at Christmas?

Like, is that why? Yes. That's probably your issue, Vicky. Yeah. Not a good reason. And then Brianna tells us, yeah, my mom's like totally faking it for attention. But then she gets attention and she likes it. So then she fakes it even more to get the reaction of the faking in the first place oh god spoken like someone who doesn't even care that her mother

just leaps her a car yeah and then ryan came back i feel like is this like the new thing that ryan every episode ryan just shows up and it's like oh ryan's back and he's gained 15 more pounds it's like one of those little marching your mom makes on the doorway when you're growing up like here he is a foot taller it's like okay we know it's about episode 12 because ryan's gained 30 pounds making off of the belts literally i know so then um we cut to shannon and she's on the phone with david david i'm so bloated today. It's I had a dream that I was stressed. So I took some adrenal. I took adrenal, David.

Can't wait to fuck you, dear. I won't tell Mother Donna about this. Did you notice? Well, she's talking about how she won't let anybody pack her stuff and she they show like the black and white clips. They're like, remember? Remember this memory?

It was like five minutes ago. But she's opening a closet door, and it's just all lampshades. Did you notice that? Yes, there's a lot of lampshades. She has an entire closet full of lampshades. David, David, I don't want any shadows here that could cause you to make out with someone in them. David? It's just all the different shades she wears on her head when she's spying on David at the beach.

Don't mind me. I'm just a talking lamp. Just a regular talking lamp. Not your wife at all. Go ahead, David. Talk to the lady. Oh, God. All right.

Packing party. Oh, oh god delusional kelly well i don't know if shannon's gonna be a loose cannon and go off on me poor kelly he's like here's some trader joe's prosecco thanks for having me over yeah they both are basically accusing themselves well i don't know if kelly's gonna go off on me and she's a loose cannon well i don't know if i don't know if shannon's go off on me because she's a loose cannon i hope i don't have to call her ugly well one would hope that kelly wouldn't attack me in my own home am i nervous yep especially because that's your own home until noon today then it becomes someone else's home and it won't be tacky anymore ugly and hits you with the lampshade.

Yeah, so apparently it's okay to eat appetizers on the couch because it doesn't belong to you anymore, but Kelly isn't allowed to make fun of you in your house because it does belong to you. I don't get it, Shannon. Oh, that's a good point. I liked also the inherent...

I don't know what it is. Is it privilege? Is it classism? Whatever it is. When Shannon's like, well, I don't want the movers to pack anything. I don't want germs from the movers on my things. I don't want to catch poor. I mean, what if I get sick? What if I get one of those Spanish diseases? I don't know how to speak Latin. What if I have to stand in front of the Home Depot waiting for somebody to give me an adrenal?

I'm like, you realize you're letting Tamara handle your goods, and yet you're still afraid of germs? Yeah. How is Tamara okay, but nothing else is? Batch! Oh, poor Tamara. Tamara's being so nice this year. She really is. Like, right now, when

she's being such a good Christian, she's like, you're gonna be neighbors with Kelly, batch! She's just trying to stir shit in every sentence. And She's like, you're going to be neighbors with Kelly, bitch. She's just trying to stir shit in every sentence. And Kelly's like, oh, sweetie, you know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say those things. I didn't mean to call you a secret. I don't know.

I just was overwhelmed. You know, I'm just very educated. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I really didn't mean it. Shannon's like, oh, great. I accept it. Yeah, no, that's great. That means a lot to me.

I'm like, you don't accept it. To be clear, we're talking about when she called you a cut fitness, right? Yes, she did. She actually said that. I don't think we need to put a pinpoint on that, Tamara, but okay. I'm a very forgiving person when Shannon said that. I just wrote LOL. Mother Donna comes in and is like, she's not. Well, I don't know what she would say. and said that. I just wrote LOL. Mother

Donna comes in and is like, she's not, well, I don't know what she would say. But just imagine Mother Donna has an issue with it. She's always hated me. I'm a very forgiving person. Okay, so purging the closet. Everybody, oh, I thought i had something about germs when you

said like why would you let tamra and i just put you can't have germs but you're letting a woman with sick children in your closet with tamra or six children in your closet and tamra yeah like heather's like covered in germs from like 20 different private schools. I know. Well, that would be if Heather actually touched her children. I know. She's a very hands-on mother. I can't believe everyone was so rude about her stuff. I mean, it is tacky, but this is the cast of Orange County. This is like the cut-out

cast of America. What are they judging? I have no idea, but I like Shannon's defense of her shoes. Like, no, those are green. They're non-toxic. We have to keep them. I'm keeping those until they decompose in my closet.

So, but it was funny because basically they just, like, throw all her shoes on the floor and, like, that was a lot of work, Betch. Let's go downstairs now. I was like, this house is never going to get packed. We've criticized everything you own. Okay, let's go downstairs now i was like this house is never gonna get packed like we've criticized everything you own okay let's go drink your stop you just hear megan hello hello is anybody here i'm letting myself in speaking of brontosauruses i don't want to be around her right now She's telling people I'm reckless, bitch God forbid anyone would ever call Tamara reckless After a wreck

Yeah, that she caused Heather, so Shannon's inviting She's like, well, who wants to have fun Hearing my kids sing off key at the blue beat Spelled B-E-E-T Yeah the blue beat Like an actual vegetable So yeah they're all sitting down

And then Tamara and Megan Are being very frosty Cause Tamara's like yeah Betch It's like hard for me to hyperextend my back. And Megan's like, how often do you do that? She's like,

every time I work out, betch. Do you hyperextend it a lot? The music's like, dun, dun, dun. It was.

It was. And then Tamara's like, I'm going to leave instead of acting like there are no issues here because clearly nobody wants to talk. Meaning you, Megan. I was like, thanks, Tamara.

Thanks for telegraphing. Yeah, that's really sad. Have I mentioned that it's almost my one-year anniversary party with the Butthole Steaming Company? Have I brought that up? Then we go to commercial and guess who it is. Who? Our favorite gay bully laugh.

That's the Hilda brand. He's like like i'm back oh gosh really really back this time so then tamra and megan start to get into it and tamra's like i just can't believe you call me reckless and then megan's like you think it was okay for you to tell me to go to

hell i was like oh my god i like megan's arguing skills though because she comes prepared she's like, you think it was okay for you to tell me to go to hell? I was like, oh, my God. I like Megan's arguing skills, though, because she comes prepared. She's like, well, actually, on the phone, you literally said. She goes, oh, really? I said I was reckless, bitch. And then it cuts to her, and she's like, bah, like, I was driving, but I was, like, bling, blah. Like, I was super confident. I was, like, I was wasted.

Let's face it. Like, I was like, I'm wasted. And then I turned too hard on purpose. And then, like, we rolled over, and I was like, oh, fuck. I did this totally. let's face it. I was like, I'm wasted! And then I turned too hard on purpose, and then we rolled over, and I was like, oh, fuck, I did this totally, it's my fault. Tamara has no argument. None. But I love how always the germ of Megan's arguments

are from some injustice that happened to Megan. Like as was to megan like you said you told me to go to hell i can't believe that that's so hurtful and you find that to be okay you think that's okay i did your economics homework and then you said to go to hell you think that's okay tamra i have a lot on my plate like literally i just learned how to do Rice-A-Roni. It took me seven minutes. The box said two. Don't even get it. That's an injustice. I'm on a journey, like, with needles and stuff.

Like, that's an injustice. How could I go to hell when I'm just trying to work with needles? Tamara's waffling sides. She got the entire cast going up against Vicky last year. And now she's acting like vicky is this huge victim she's like oh so you feel the need to go around town batch telling everybody that like like i got a phone call from someone saying that you said i was reckless really because she just shot a scene with vicky where she said i'm so mad at tamra for being reckless i wonder who told you yeah exactly but then um they like reached this uneasy truce where Tamara's like,

sorry I said go to hell, not sorry I hung up on you. And Megan's like, okay, thanks. But you were insinuating I was a bad person. Well, I didn't call you fat. Okay, hugs. I'm glad that Tamara maintained her dignity by apologizing for the hell, but not for the hang up. It's a really important to the nation.

Heather puts a nice period on it, literally. Okay, it's time to move on. Period. Claw hands. Claw hands. Claw hands. I was wondering what that was. It probably just sounds like fapping in your ears, but it's really claw hands. It's very conservative Heather faps. It's like... We fap quietly.

We only fap in our fapping room. So, Brianna's family Mexican food. I was like, my potatoes are halfway done now. Family Mexican food. I was like, my potatoes are halfway done now. Yeah, so it's like Brianna and Ryan, the babies, Michael and Vicky. Vicky has now adopted a Suzanne Somers hairstyle, and she comes in with it. They're at a Mexican restaurant.

Sorry I'm late, but I was getting my hair done. I would like to give a cheers to my new hair. Mom, it's my birthday. Oh, yeah, okay. Well, your birthday too, then. Cheers to family. I went back in time and got you a gift. It's Lisa Renner's baby.

And I took right from her stomach with a knife. Once she was on a motorcycle. Here's a helmet I got from Lisa Renner from 1992. She was pregnant. Mom, you don't have to make sacrificial killings for me no it's what all mothers want to do oh god so then they have nothing to talk about god bless this family

Brianna's just like gosh she bought us a house so I'll let her buy me some enchiladas you're a big person Brianna she's like guys I want to talk about something shannon be door called to be great can i please have a quesadilla and then she's like yeah she called to say get better soon i'm like what the fuck like mom that was kind of nice of her yeah i like when brianna's answer it's always like you're an idiot she's like okay oh well all right okay pass the chili

rellenos okay i'll get this check and then um yeah then vicky starts talking about tinder and she's like i don't know about the tinder i don't get the tinder it's like crazy like swipe left swipe right i don't want someone to swipe right at me. You know? I just want to find my soulmate and have sex. Like, oh, mom. No. Like what? Everybody has sex. Like, look.

All I'm saying is that I'm a couch. Like, I want to wrap my vagina around a penis. Like, mom! Jesus! No, I'm just saying. Take a load off granny and put it inside of me. You know what I mean? Like, mom!

You know, I just want a guy to go right down into my vagina with his tongue. You know, look around in there. I know sometimes it smells like mackerel, but that's okay. Some guys are into that. Mom, stop it! I'm a catch. I'm the maintenance. I'm the maintenance, okay? Brian's like, you're an hour late because you were getting your hair done.

She's like, she's like, oh, just have another taquito, fat guy. When did I give my daughter permission to bury Homer Simpson? Oh, yeah, I didn't. Okay, I'll get this checked. Let me get it. What Vicky says. I don't cast fights, okay?

I'm a catch. Like, I don't cast fights. I'm totally submissive. And they were just laughing in her face. Yeah. And then everybody took a really awkward... ...drink at the same time. Even the kid almost barfs.

Yeah. I just left something inside of me. That thing is a penis. He's like... It's like a little baby. Owee instantly learned how to, like, walk and drive a car and just leave the entire state. Ball and pool. He's like drowning himself.

He's like, ball and pool. He's like, I had to grow up real fast when I was a baby. Grandma talk about sex. I had to grow up and leave. Like, when did you leave home? 16 months. I love that her family is so over her. Her son, by the way, he may seem like the most boring person in the world.

I don't think so. He's hilarious. He is. He's got a dry sense of humor. He's like, here's some Ralph's flowers for your birthday. And then after she's talking about sex, he tells her, wow, you really hit your head hard in that crash. Yeah, seriously.

Meanwhile, the flowers have all wilted in after this conversation. Now, you know, we get a lot of weird fake Christianity from Tamara. So it's good to see a family doing it just the way Jesus intended. Praying in a limo on the way to a concert at the blue beat. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, Praying in a limo. On the student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she

has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee.

What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more.

She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. 9th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. So it was like, let's make a Jesus, it's me, David Bedore.

I would just like to say, Shannon is the best mother we've ever seen. Thank you Jesus. Rub-a-dub-dub. Thanks for the grub. Love, David. Cut to Mother Donna hanging on below the limousine like Robert De Niro I'm gonna bite a cheek off

I swear to God yeah this was a really silly prayer a prayer for I mean it's like they're singing one song they don't need to we don't have to bother God right now dear lord I pray that dreamcatcher

stays the sexiest song I've ever heard am I right dear dear lord I pray that dreamcatcher becomes a huge hit and my daughters have to travel the world and Shannon therefore has to go on the road with him and I can be alone thank you or i can give them notes so of course sterling is waiting

there in the same smelly ass suit i can smell it from over here sterling change your damn suit yeah and uh so the first the first people to arrive are kelly and michael which is hilarious and i love that like when david and michael see each other they give each other this total bro handshake like yo what's up let's bro out here at the blue beat while we watch some little girls play guitar yeah bro this was the most awkward thing why would kelly get there on time has she not learned that everybody's late like she has to be there alone with Shannon. And they both have these tight smiles. Shannon's like, David!

David! Look who's here! Wow! Whoa! Whoa, David! Wow! Whoa! Whoa! This takes me back to my magical state. Whoa! Ow! Ow!

Whoa! David's like, hello, not dears. And Kelly's like, uh, yeah, I just wanted to apologize for my drunken rant. Whoa, awkward. He's like, uh, all good. And runs. He runs the hell away. He's like, if you thought your drunken rant was anything compared to anything Shannon and Donna have said to me, you're wildly mistaken.

Okay, so all the girls start showing up i love how eddie shows up and he's like so cool he shows up wearing sunglasses i'm like you're at the blue beat established in 1912 okay you're like you're not cool just because you're going to like a quote-unquote rock concert like it doesn't make you cooler to walk in with sunglasses on okay and you can hide your eyes all you want, but everybody who's seen this show knows what you're thinking. Where's the flauta bar? It's the first time I've seen Eddie not standing around eating something with his eyes completely not caring about anything.

He's probably just admiring how even the floors are. It's so nice to be someplace where the floors aren't warped. It's so weird how i almost tripped because there wasn't something to trip over yeah help blue and you and you put things on your shelves so um uh so everything's you know it's those chit chat you know yada yada yada and then shannon's sister-in-law comes in and guess what her sister-in-law is named Vicky. I was like, oh, so many things are making sense now. Projection.

So much misplaced rage. Projection. And before, and camera, she's like, well, maybe if Vicky called Shannon back, she would have gotten an invite to the Bluebeet. So Donna comes in and Shannon. David's mother and sister are here. I haven't seen them since Christmas. They've never liked me. Uh-oh.

Yeah, they've never liked me. Donna, by the way, looks like a nurse out of the habit. Not a nurse, a nun out of the habit. She just has that serious look. She has a little scarf on. You just can tell she's going to be trouble. She's just shocked at a restaurant it's like do you leave the combat much she's like oh god neon cool almost smells like a cigarette

i'm pretty sure meryl streep's character from doubt was based on her oh my god i couldn't watch it wait did i see that that was about child molestation right yeah and viola davis would knock me out her see that? That was about child molestation, right? Yeah, and Viola Davis with Snock Me Out Her Nose. Oh, good Lord. How many child molestation movies do we need, you guys? Okay, back to the show. Back to the show. But I just watched that one where the Boston Globe was investigating.

Oh, yes. Spotlight. I want to see that. That one best picture. No spoilers, please, Ronnie. The priest did it. Oh. Okay.

There's like 20. Damn it. david so i was hoping this was going to be a really good passive aggressive mother-in-law fight where the mother-in-law was really some sweet lady but shannon's so jealous and she didn't want yeah the mom talking to david on the phone so she just got mad and this was was all in Shannon's head. No. No. No. The woman's crazy. And she wasn't even a good passive aggressive person.

Like a really skillful passive aggressive mother-in-law knows how to say things in a really sneaky way. This woman was just desperate to get allies, to turn everyone against Shannon. Yeah. She just walked right up to Kelly, who is the biggest enemy of Shannon. It's like, hello, dear. I'm Donna. Kelly, I don't see my grandkids a lot. Shannon hates my guts, dear.

You know, if 90210 taught us anything, it's that when a Kelly and a Donna get together, there's always going to be drama. And no one wins in the end. Yeah. She's just like yeah so she's like yeah nice to meet you so i don't get to see my girls you know shannon hates me but anyway what can i do i'm just a poor old lady in a scarf yeah poor me dear poor me and my daughter my other daughter vicky she loves me so much i get to see all her children, which she doesn't have because David married someone else. Also, while we're talking about projecting, did you notice that Shannon's oldest daughter looks exactly like Megan or is that in my head? I think the daughter looks like Shannon. Oh, I think she looks just like Megan.

I'm like, yeah, now she can just yell at Megan because she can't have any control in her own home. So she's like, you listen here, young lady. You will catch a dream when I tell you to catch a dream. But yeah, so Donna just keeps on going on. She's like, you know, I try to get along with her, but she's always got something there. And she just starts to cry. She's just crying crying venting everything and kelly's like whoa i wish i brought my mom they could have had a mom crazy off

hi tamra i'm david's mom shannon hates me he won't let me oh hello hello person with a camera i'm david's mom shannon hates me. Hello, potted plant. You know, I appreciate the way you don't talk back to me. Not like Shannon, who hates me. May I speak with Mr. Beat? I'll wait.

I'll wait. Oh, hello there, Mr. Santana. I'm glad you're willing to talk to me unlike Shannon. Is there a comment card so I can write down how mean Shannon is to me dear excuse me Mr. Bartender I'll have a vodka tonic unlike Shannon who just gives me a hate tonic at all times she's going on to Yelp like half a star because Shannon hates me um but meanwhile, Shannon's like, I have been the bigger person for 15 years.

The bigger person ever since she got drunk at my engagement party. Bigger person, not bringing up things from the past. Drunk. Engagement party. I'm a very forgiving person. I'm a very forgiving person, even when a big slutty mother-in-law gets drunk

and knocks over a cake. David? When I tell you not to call David anymore and you continue to call him at holidays and Easter, that is when you have crossed the line, young bitch lady. When you invited David back to Gmail after I expressly told him no more Gmail, that was such a betrayal, Donna.

Such a betrayal. But I'm forgiving. For you to get a second email with something called yahoo after david cheated on me now that's just enough mama donna for you for you to sit there and revel in the in the infidelity and by saying yahoo yahoo mail yahoo cheating that's just great but i'm very forgiving meanwhile in the background dream catcher yeah dream catcher it sounded like brianna's son yeah well i hear that they're gonna be opening up for the aaron hendra experience soon so i'm very excited for that well she's busy i mean she's not busy yeah they were actually better

than aaron hendra october don't get me started singing october okay you know you know that no one's gonna be happy with that i i think there should be a triple bill with danielle saab's daughter you're my sister and i love you till the end you're my sister it was such a blatant ripoff of Pat Benatar It actually makes me mad You're a Dream catcher Dream catcher Dream catcher You're the right man for me

Patty Benatar She was mean to me once Oh well hello waiter Can I please have a side of Shannon's mean to me dear so of course Kelly turns right around

Shannon passes she's like well hello I hope everybody's having a wonderful time at the lord party and she's like oh hi Shannon your mother-in-law just said that you're a fucking bitch and can't be chill she's not even stopping you're just like yelling the gossip at her. Yeah, Donna is like

right on the other side of Kelly and Donna's like and then one time I broke a dish and didn't even get a phone call from my daughter-in-law. I mean, I don't know what sort of daughter-in-law that is. So Donna is now talking to Tamara and Kelly and Kelly's like, oh Tamara, she misses her grandkids.

Look, Kelly, we don't all have a little built-in bobble-headed, terribly wigged mother who has enough drugs to, like, forget your existence. And by the way, no offense, mother, because I love you and I don't blame you for all the viking you're currently doing while your head bobbles. Kelly's your daughter. Yeah. Oh, Kelly. Why do you need to be the bigger person, Kelly? So then Donna is talking about what a good man David is. He's like, he made one mistake.

He made one mistake. And she pushed him. It was like, dun, dun, dun. But I'm sure he regrets it. I just wrote, what an awful human being. Shocker! Yeah. Yeah.

So Tamra actually looked like, oh, Jesus Christ. Why are you telling me this? Why do I always have to be the one to do this? Batch! Which is rare for Tamra, because usually she's very excited. She's like, ah, thank God I don't have to

take a fight with Megan anymore. Well, she didn't have to say anything. She didn't have to say or do anything. But Tamra, you know, when she gets a piece of't have to say or do anything But Tamara you know When she gets a piece of juicy gossip She acts like she is you know Put upon you know She knows she just can't keep it secret

So that's you know Well yeah she outs her later I guess when they're upstairs So yeah eventually everyone goes upstairs To have a little dinner And Megan and Tamara are friends again. Because they hate being in a fight. So they hug.

And Shannon's like, everyone, we're having food upstairs. Do not tell David's mother or sister. David, tell them to leave. Yeah, David basically was like, hi, mother. Goodbye, mother. And just, like, he peaced out. He barely even said anything to his mom which is i mean there's a crazy situation going on there yeah he knows he knows he knows

he's like bye it's easier to say bye to you than say hi to you and live with her forever okay bye get out well because we also learned that donna had last year i guess told shannon's kids that shannon's a terrible mother. Shannon did not appreciate. Supposedly, she told my children that on Easter. Okay, I don't know why that's the... Shannon gets mad about

such crazy things. Yeah, I'll tell you. Jesus wasn't the only thing that rose. My negative thoughts. I. I'll tell you. Jesus wasn't the only thing that rose. My negative thoughts. I was at 170 that day. Ow. Ow. I wish that there was a tomb empty. A tomb full of my negative thoughts.

Nope. Still full. Is my tomb still full of negative thoughts? Yes. Yes. Yes. Wow. So. Wow. So, Shannon, she was bringing

up lies while my children played music. Yes. Instead of being a proud grandmother, she was bringing up lies. David. David. David. So, Kelly, Shannon, okay. Shannon, Kelly is like drunk now.

She can't help but piss everybody off. She's like, yeah, but don't you want to make things right with that poor old lady? She misses her grandkids. And Shannon had like a piece of pizza in her cheek. Like she had one cheek completely full. She's like, no, please, Kelly. Kelly, don't say it, Kelly. Kelly, they don't even talk.

Kelly. Kelly, I'm trying to like you right now, but you make it very difficult. But she misses her grandchildren. She misses her grandchildren. She's a sweet old lady. Look, she doesn't even have a crazy wig. She cried to me that she wants to be part of their life. Well, then she wouldn't say I'm a terrible mother.

Like she did on Easter. Maybe she would have complimented my famous mashed potatoes instead of telling people that I'm a terrible cook. How about that? If I have to listen to her talking about how I speak only with my mouth full. Chew. Just chew first. You can finish the sentence later. If she was such a good mother-in-law, why didn't she come visit me during my fake funeral?

Why? Did I get a carnation? No. Did I get a eulogy? No. Was my, was my gravestone made of foam? Yeah. Listen, there's only room for one woman in Davidid's life who has two ends in her name okay

oh tamra of course cannot hold it she's like i'm gonna have a nervous batch breakdown if i don't say something she was roger rabbiting i'm gonna have a nervous down ready remember remember the scene roger like, can't deal without the... Megan's, like, handcuffing Tamra to the table, and Tamra's slipping out of the handcuffs with her cartoon arms. And then Tamara just leans in and just like vomits it out. She said you started the affair! You pushed them!

It's like slow motion. And the best part, you know, Donna she's crazy, but she's smart. She knows exactly how to push Shannon's buttons. That's why she didn't even bother with any, like, social graces about it. She's like, I'm just going to put this out there as quickly as possible because I know it's going to make Shannon go crazy. And sure enough, Shannon is unable to be like, oh, she's crazy. She's like, what?

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you kidding kidding me she just runs over to david she's you know what david tamra says your mother says you made one mistake and i push you to it are you kidding me i've had fucking it i'm fine i didn't put you down david david david and then kelly's like, it's not his fault. Finally, Kelly has a shred of logic. And then when David passes, she's like, don't worry, David. I'll tell her that it wasn't your fault. Kelly, shut up. Thanks, Kelly.

Great work there. Shannon freaking out in the bathroom. I'm fucking done. Fucking done. This is the worst lock concert I've ever been to. Sorry, girls. And I'm like, whoops. So basically, Shannon sobs for like five seconds and then comes back and she's like, that is it.

I love you. Okay. You got your right. Yeah. No, that's I am so happy with David. Ha. Ha. No, I'm not sad all right. Yeah. No, that's, I am so happy with David. Ha! Ha! No, I'm not sad by Mama, Mama, Mama Donna.

No, ha! Ha! Ha! He was like, well, ladies, Shannon has been the most wonderful lady. She's been wonderful to my entire family, dear. But your mom said. Yes, and I'm saying that you are wonderful when you hurt it's like a hug it doesn't even hurt you're just uh you're better than these french fries huh darling dears

well i wish i would get that respect from your family why would you compare me to a high sodium treat why david why and then they get into the limo and the kids are like was someone saying something bad about mama donna and then they're like and then david's like well dears uh you know she believes certain things that you know she believes are true and then but aren't true and then i forgot what he said but the channel was like david well dear she was just saying things that she believes to be true, but that doesn't mean they're true, dear.

Shannon's like, that is offensive to me, David. I was like, what, Shannon? How do you think I feel, David? And David's like, what I mean to say is, Mama Donna's a piece of shit. Mama Donna's a piece of shit. Thank you, David. Now, it's okay to say she's a terrible grandmother but how dare she say i'm a terrible mother david

when the kids are look the youngest it's like well sometimes you have to forgive and she's like well i tried but guess what i will never do it and let's pray i love all these people bringing up jesus she's like no i won't forgive it's like do you remember that you just had a jesus moment in the same limo lady yeah come on and david's like well you know oh no shanna says well david's between a a rock and a horrible lump of terrible person what can you do? Her daughter's looked, her older daughter looked pissed.

She's like, here was another great night that mom ruined. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That was grandma's fault, but really, Shannon, you act like that at your kid's event. Shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame. But great for us, and we hope we see more of uh grandma donna and i would like to hear what uh sister vicky has to say nothing she's like uh i will take 90 things to go put them on my trunk while shannon's upstairs screaming thanks she like gets away with another bill paid yeah you know that like donna and v some, like, some shady grift going on somewhere, you know? Like, they're probably the ones who stole all that money from Heather Dubrow.

Santa's, like, shoving them in a pizza oven. There you go. That's better. At least you're buried with non-toxic shoes, Donna. Mama Donna. Yes, enjoy those carbohydrates like a simpleton. Go ahead. All right, Orange County.

All right, Orange County. We're done with you. Fun times. We will talk about you again next week. And right now, we can move on to quite possibly the most exciting television show on all of television. The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Previously on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Could you open your mouth just a little bit? It probably took five hours to get Teresa in the voiceover booth.

Yeah. It probably took five hours to get Teresa in the voiceover booth. Yeah. I'm done. So it starts with Siggy, Jack, and Rosie getting together at a restaurant called Tap House. And I love how the first thing you hear is Rosie saying, hey, can I get two tapinis? I was like, I just love the fact that this restaurant called the tap house has a drink called the tapini siggy oh god they're like how are you sig she's like oh my son got his license i'm supposed to be okay with that i'm not okay with that i can't rub my

own sun stars anymore. I can't. I can't. I just want to put life in neutral. But it goes on forward. And God bless. And Jackie, who's never made up for real with Tree. She's been such a faker. She's like, well, we're just talking about last night.

And how Kathy and Rosie came to the book signing in secret god please do something jacqueline please please and then cg's like you know what this animosity is like a big pimple and we just need to squeeze it and then get a whole bunch of pus on ourselves and then we'll be pretty much the same place as we were before. Yeah, what is her weird, useless advice? I'm glad you said pimple, because I wrote down pinhole. I was like, what is she talking about? At least pimple makes sense. The last thing I want to do is squeeze the animosity pimple of this group.

I'm like, just go to a dermatologist, get sucked out, and let's move on. It's like a pimple. But then when you try and pinch it, your son's like, oh, stop trying to squeeze the pimple in my ass, mom. It's gross. And I'm like, seriously? But you know what? That's what growing up is all about. Pimples and acne.

That's what it is. And I love it. God bless. Your family. What, she can forgive Melissa and Jacqueline, but not you? Yeah, they're not on the show. She has to shoot with the other ones, okay? Yeah, exactly. So Jacqueline, blah, blah, blah. She's mad at Kathy. yeah they're not on the show she has to shoot with the other ones okay yeah exactly

so Jacqueline blah blah blah she's mad at Kathy because both of them have said parental things and then it cuts to my favorite union ever where Rosie's like what kind of fucking throw down yeah well it's kind of funny because they always show

the clip of Teresa getting mad because Kathy's mom is like you do a bad thing you're gonna go to jail and then Teresa's like I'm so wrong I'm so wrong and then they're like oh but by the way Teresa you also said some terrible things like my dad was twice the dad that your dad ever was to you

that's nasty and then but I was hurt like that hurt me like it hurt me so deep like I just can't I don't want to be hurt no more. Jacqueline, so the big thing in this scene is that Siggy is going to facilitate a lunch between Kathy and Rosie and Teresa. And Jackie's like, I don't know if she'll follow through with this lunch. I don't know if she'll follow through. Jackie's like, I don't know if she'll follow through with this lunch. I don't know if she'll follow through.

So in the meantime, Melissa goes and brings Joe to Botox. Because why not? Because they have nothing else to do on this show these days. So he gets Botox. Oh, I'm afraid of needles, you know. And I'm no longer a Botox virgin. Oh, God. The Gorga romantic Botox virgin. Hey. Oh, God.

The Gorga romantic Botox. FF. Yeah. Yeah. But now. But by the way, now Joe Gorga is mad at Kathy's mom, too. So that's great. And then basically like the situation we just talked about with Shannon and David.

It's easier to just listen to the one who's going to yell at you the most. He's like theresa will yell at me for the rest of my life these bitches i don't care about like honestly i don't care they yell at me less so yeah and he goes family's supposed to be behind you you're supposed to agree they agreed they agreed with their mom who said nothing really that bad exactly okay thank you thank you so then um big news as she's gonna go to hoboken really exciting i'm glad we were watching this uh and she's she's about to marry millhouse yeah so we watch an extended scene i don't know why this is not like a bonus clip that should have been on bravo tv.com but they go to hoboken and they have such exciting conversation like i love this time of day yeah it's great yeah so they walk oh god and then the music stops and they just show a close-up of them holding hands and there's no music or any talking

and then again she's like i love this time of day oh god you guys are killing me and then he like he just basically shoots his wad before he's even down on his first knee he's like ashley will you marry me so this is like ashley talks in that way it makes me crazy when people talk like this when they say it's like when you're a little girl and you think of what being proposed to is gonna be like and you're like yeah you why are you third personing yourself you're you're unbearable enough in first person okay don't bring a third into it listen every little girl dreams of getting getting proposed to in hoboken okay so just let her have her moment by the fake lock fence yeah that fell into the real heiress river it's just like the love it's just like the sin like kyle richards and mauricio um so then ashley goes and is like

telling everyone she's like look look you look. You know, the typical thing. Like, does this sweater make me look fat? Does this ring make me look engaged? Then Jacqueline's like, ah. And, like, you know. And deep. Typical. You know he's going to be a good Jersey husband because he says things like, I can return her in 90 days, right?

So this goes on for, like, 10 minutes of airtime. It just keeps on going and i like when chris finally comes like they show they even show like the little brother's reaction like he gives a shit he was like oh cool and then christopher chris comes home and he doesn't even notice at first and she's like slapping him with the ring and he's like oh cool and then uh he gives this toast and he's like selling it yeah he's like's like, he's like, you know, in life there'll be bumps in the way, but love comes first. And they're like,

wow, how do you always say the right thing, dad? He's like, guys, I want to make a toast. You know, there's popcorn and it's sold already. But then there's little popcorn, which is like popcorn but littler.

I bought their little kernel popcorn and it literally is tiny popcorn. Did you know that? I knew it was supposed to be tiny popcorn. I saw it at Sprouts. It was delicious by the way. I got the kettle corn one. So for all the shit we talk,

there's your product plug. It's a stronger brand than Blackboard. It actually looks adorable. I saw it at Sprouts and I thought about getting it and I don't even like popcorn that much, but then I didn't get it. I did feel like I was going to choke because my mouth knows I'm eating popcorn, but it doesn't know what tiny popcorn

is. And I was like, don't swallow too soon. You're going to choke to death on this little kernel. I don't think I need tiny popcorn. I actually would like my popcorn to be bigger. I think it would be a more satisfying chew. Right? This is the most interesting part of this Jersey segment. We're like, oh, popcorn, big or little.

Yeah, because by the way, this engagement that no one cares about just kept on happening. Because then they went and they called Albie. And it's like, oh, Albie, guess what? Ashley is engaged. And my potatoes were finished. I was now salting potatoes. And that's like, oh, Albie, guess what? Ashley is engaged. And my potatoes were finished. I was now salting potatoes. And then it's like a commercial break. We come back and Siggy waking up.

It's like, hey, Siggy, guess what? Ashley's engaged. I'm like, this is still going. Do we need Siggy's reaction? I love that, though, because Siggy's in bed and she goes, shut up. Shut up. I can't believe you waited till today to tell me! She goes, I didn't.

I sent you a group text last night. She's like, oh. Yeah. And then it cuts to Melissa and Tree doing a suburban speed walk. I'm like, finally, we can move on. And they're like, so, did you hear that Ashley's engaged? Yeah, wow, great. Yeah.

I'm like, we're still going to... It's like everyone's going to talk about this now. Oh, God. I don't even know what theresa was talking about she's had yeah i don't know if it was just really freezing out there or if she's just had too much post-prison botox but she's like uh jack didn't have a good wedding so maybe she'll be into doing this anymore yeah what is wrong with you and somehow she turned it into like what she's going through through with Joe about to go to jail, which I don't think is ever actually going to happen.

Yeah. Well, you know, Joe loves weddings, so, you know, I don't know if he's going to hear about it. He's going to be sad. You know, he's not handling jail well, or camps, the camps. Yeah, the camps. He'd rather go to wedding camps than jail camps, but, you know, it's like, whatever, what's going to happen? You know, we're going to walk the power walk. Yeah, but it's going to be great for him because, you know, it's like, whatever, what's going to happen? You know, we're going to walk, power walk. Yeah, but it's going to be great for him because, you know,

it'll be like the detoxing because, you know, like he's drinking so much, like he's drinking for breakfast. Huh, Joe? He has Cheerios with his wine. Like literally he puts the Cheerios in the wine glass. He has to drink every day or he can't sleep. Melissa's like, that's called alcoholism we call it drinking camp

well yeah it's just nice to see him commit to something so awkward and Mel says this is the closest we've been in a long time that is so sad please just stop pretending and then they encounter a sprinkle cookie on the pavement and all hell breaks loose so then some guy millhouse proposes to it yeah so ciggy then goes and visits melissa uh and i don't even remember what they talked

about all i know is i was so distracted because melissa had these strange little cutouts under her arms and i was it was just like it. And it was like an entire top sewn together properly. And then these little holes, like gills, really bothered me. I was just really worried because they were sitting in the waiting area of some restaurant. It looked like the waiting area couch. And Siggy's head was right in front of the fire. I thought, do not bring anything up confrontational when your head is that close to a fire with Teresa.

I'm sorry. It was not just any restaurant. It was Rails. Rails! The preeminent railroad restaurant. What's the New Jersey train called again that goes from Manhattan to Jersey? Joy-Z?

Path. Oh, yeah, the Path. The number one rated restaurant off the Path. Rails. I'm going to get a Railtini, please. It better be better than the Tappini, okay? The Tappini! So, Jacqueline.

Did we already say Jacqueline's there? Siggy, Jacqueline, and Tree. Tree, I guess. No, this is, you've jumped ahead, actually. Shockingly, you managed to jump ahead in this very exciting segment. But basically, just that Melissa wants the group to go to Vermont, even though they just went to some shitty spa. But now they're going to go to Vermont.

And then we have a scene of Dolores at the gym. Because we're, this is before the Ray L's restaurant. With Maz. Yeah. He's like, well, welcome to work, you dumb cop fitness.

Glad you could take your time out of your day, you idiot. Okay, Maz. I've said I'm sorry, okay? Yeah, Dolores is basically going around annoying everyone at the gym. She's like, hey, you working out here? Okay, yeah, yeah.

I love watching you work out. You work out so hard. You know, it's like my son. He works out all here? Okay, yeah, I love watching you work out. You work out so hard. You know, it's like my son. He works out all the time. You know, you never used to hang out. He's only 17. You know, he grows up so fast. You know, and I always tell my first husband, he's going to grow up so fast.

He's going to get the abs. Before you know it, he's going to be an adult. But then my next husband, he was like, wow, I don't know about this. But then the first one, he's like this. I'm like, you know, we all work out as a family a lot. Then boo. Yeah. It's an elliptic machine.

I like those because, you know, your son can look like he's running away from you but he doesn't go nowhere it's not like when you get him a car and then suddenly it's like where are you gone you know like did you hear about boo you think boo wouldn't want to be here on an elliptical unfortunately boo can't because boo's dead my family right the guy's not even there anymore it's just a towel hey wasn't there someone here before she's the only person who can actually get gym people to start running again yeah and so she starts giving jackie shows up and she's getting people running again and she's showing she's showing she's showing the gym she's like here's the spin room i don't love spin you know i spent so much of my life spinning you know like everything

was a spin like a tailspin like my first marriage with tailspin but then that was like a that was like a honeymoon compared to my my my first fiance after that i mean that was like really spinning out i mean i was like on the trabant at the carnival i mean like it was going so fast i mean i wanted to barf the entire time i was on the swings i'll tell you i'll tell you what swings the pendulum of life that's what swings you know and like uh the gym is closed actually yeah i'm right we've been here for three hours get any worse she, all right, so tell me about Ashley's engagement. It's like, oh. It's true. I wrote that down also.

Please go more. So Siggy, Jacqueline, and Tree. Now this is where she's in front of the fire on the couch. Yeah, now they're at rails. Yeah, rails. So Siggy's like, we had drinks with Rosie, and she's devastated. Okay, we want to figure out a place in the middle. Like here's the tree mountain. There's the Rosie Lake.

Is there a road that curves around and goes around some trees and maybe you can meet in the middle? What about that? And Drew's like, no. Drew's like, la, la, la, la, la. How do you say capisce in Jewish? That's a great question.

When I'll ask Saba. Now, Teresa is still obviously medicated because she's like, guy, guy, I don't get involved in your family's life. You don't get involved in my family's life because she brought my dad into it. You don't get involved in my family's life. Because she brought my dad into it. They show Richie being like, so what do you think of your niece being a jailbird and being guilty? Which Richie is a shit stirrer. I wouldn't want to hang out with Richie either, personally.

Yeah, but he's a shit stirrer because Teresa treats Kathy so terribly. So of course he's going to be like, fuck this bitch. Yeah, that he's a shit-stirrer to – because Teresa treats Kathy so terribly. So, of course, he's going to be like, fuck this bitch. Yeah, that's true. But, like, I don't know. It's the husbands on these shows. I don't like when the husbands roll around with the women. You know, it's creepy. Especially when they look like a Lebanese Dame Edna.

I just can't get behind it, Richie. Have a seat. Well, so Teresa basically tells these women, stay out of it. Shut up. And she's like, she's starting to get mad. But here's what was shocking. At the end, she's like, okay, I got to go. I didn't mean to get snippy with you.

I'm sorry. I'm like, whoa, Teresa. Having some self-awareness and apologies? Whoa, this is major. She was being very, very mature. And another thing that was really funny, which people on these shows don't know how psychic they are but theresa just went to jail for basically you know signing paperwork that was fraudulent and they showed a clip of her and rosie when back when they were friends and she goes yeah rosie i got a paper route girl because of you. Like, oh, my God.

Now all you do, you're in trouble for rerouting papers. It's a very long way of saying that. It's like psychic. Yeah, exactly. So I love that when Teresa left, Siggy turns to Jacqueline and goes, Jacqueline, this is deep. I'm like, really? What gave you that idea? Congratulations, Siggy.

You've really unraveled a mystery here. Teresa just left him at the hostess stand. Okay, bye. Bye, Rails. So does production still pay for a Caprizi? Our train tracker-ita? Can I have some bruschetta train track? Train track bruschetta.

Siggy, Kathy, and Jacqueline. Jeez. Now, I just wrote, Jesus, these losers. This episode has been scene after scene of people nobody cares about talking about people who dumped them a long time. Well, at this point, it started to get more interesting, I thought. For once, it started to get more interesting. But, by the way, did the Wakilis get a new house? Because they used to have that very, like, standard like upper middle class house with like the tiny kitchen and now all of a sudden they're in a mcmansion oh yeah don't you remember last season

when they showed kathy for like building it she's like he's my house he's my new house because they were building a house with kevin jonas right yes that's right wait were they were they the ones building with kevin jonas i honestly i can't remember if kevin jonas was at the gorgas or their house but yeah it may have been the gorgas it feels like a weird dream that yeah the jonas boy was on here in a construction capacity so kathy is already yelling we just want to. I mean, she said my father was a worse father than hers. This is not going to go well. But she forgot she said it.

So this is at Kathy's. And now it's basically, yeah, one side. It's Kathy's family, the Gorgas, and Jacqueline. Yeah. And then so then basically Kathy is like, yeah, well, you know what?

All this stuff that Teresa told you, well, here's this side. She didn't mention how she said this, this, and this. And then she just starts to cry. I'm like,

why are you crying? She's like, I cry at everything like Joshua and his beautiful buttocks. You would cry too. If Joshua's thighs happened to you, I feel like it's Shabbat dinner And then no candles Crying

So anyway So this was interesting So Kathy is venting here And Melissa's like Honestly I don't want to talk about it anymore I'm really sick I don't want to talk about it And they're like uh hello We sat here for three years while you vented and we listened.

And now all of a sudden you're not going to listen when Kathy finally has something to say. And she's like, yeah, but we're trying to be in a better place. And Jacqueline, well, they're trying to be in the same place that you're in. Jacqueline, shut up. None of this has to do with you. I know. Ashley's getting engaged um and I love Joe Gorga trying to like lay it down in a nice way he's like guys here's all Teresa was saying

she's just saying you're horrible people and she'll never forgive you that's it that's okay uh that's actually really mean what you just said. Yeah. What? What? So then Richie is just like, you know what? This is what Teresa's jealous of. We've been together for 25 years. And then he like kisses her. And then they're like, oh. Yeah. And Melissa flat out.

She's like, just to clarify, because Teresa's kind of slow. We need this for the reunion. Are you saying you think that Teresa doesn't have that? And Gord got, you know what you you said you want to throw a stone you live in a glass house and like sometimes you're gonna throw those and then they're gonna pop back they're gonna you're gonna crash your house what are you doing brother your tongue doesn't your tongue doesn't have bones but it can break bones my tongue has bones he says in italian he's like picante sauce ragu raguru

and Kathy's like that means your tongue is soft but it can break bones ragu ragu and then stupid Rosie Rosie's just cuckoo bird I love it she goes from why can't we just be friends there's always these problems it always my who is the land one He's just cuckoo bird. I love it. She goes from, why can't we just be friends?

There's always these problems. It always lands on my sister. Yeah. She's right. She's right. It does land on Kathy. But yeah. So then they're all fighting and everything.

And Joe's like, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. And they're all just being loud and Italianian and um they all end so lovingly damn you damn you and he's like okay i'll make a i'll call my sister and i'm gonna tell the tree it's time for a sit down they're like okay cheers yeah exactly so then it's the hoboken so then tree and joe go to uh work out and joe's like we gotta make it right i'm not gonna go i'm not gonna talk with him i'm not gonna sit down with him oh god he's worse than ramona this guy like the first thing he does he's like hey just wanted to

see us so you know richie says that he's just jealous because he's with Kathy and he's happy. And you're with a stupid fat alcoholic. She's like, ah. And even that doesn't set her off. She's just like, eh, eh. I'm just so sick of it. I'm sick of being hurt, you know? Yeah. So then she assents to have a sit down with the cousins as long as Joe's there.

So guess what? Time to go back to Rails. The most popular railroad restaurant in all of new jersey listen to what joe actually told her to talk her into it he's like tree it's like all them girls i used to date in high school you know like they bother you they bother you like they won't leave you alone so you say i'm through witches you. Classy. It's another strong moment for feminism on a housewife show. Kathy. Okay, sorry.

You moved ahead to the dinner. I just forgot that Joe was going to ask. So now it's time for the sit down. And Rosie and Kathy are in there. Rosie's probably crying. Kathy's like, I just don't want to dwell on the past. You're right. Yeah.

Good luck with that. I just don't want to dwell on the past. Right. Yeah. But the thing is, you know, I love Kathy, but everything that Teresa would say, Kathy would then like try to take ownership of it. Also choose to be like, man, a lot of things were said.

I know a lot of things were said, you know, like everything was like, I was like, Kathy, that's not how you have a productive conversation. That's not how you heal things. You're supposed to listen and say,

okay, well, here's, you know, so of course, would you like an appetizer yes we feel very welcome at rails would we like an appetizer just answer the goddamn waiter kathy so tree was actually she was act shockingly speaking honestly she's like well i

don't like richie and you guys never sent me a cad and then they were i don't know why i gave her a boston accent but you know it breaks my heart it had to trickle down to the parents. Yeah. I love your Reaganomics. Yeah. In the middle of your family fight. And then she's like, you never came to visit me. Like, Teresa, how are we supposed to visit you?

Ask on Google. Google Danbury. Send me a card to Danbury. And Rosie's like, don't you remember? Don't you remember when i was trying to get on that thing joe which she meant the visiting list which yeah i learned from watching theresa's three episodes special that only like two people were allowed on that list so she never even let melissa go so this is very handy for theresa to be you didn't visit me when no one could visit her

yeah and so then eventually truce is, I want to cut the cancer out. I'm like, not in front of Kathy with Victoria. Don't say that. Oh, God. No kidding. She's so tone deaf. So then eventually Teresa kind of like lays it out. She basically says, I don't want to have a relationship anymore.

Yeah, Rosie's like, just say it to my face. You don't want to be sisters? You don't want to ever have moments where we laugh and cry? She's like, just say it to my face. You don't want to be sisters. You don't want to ever have moments where we laugh and cry. She's like, yeah. But you're still family. My throat is always open to you unless you want to actually walk through it. Call me if you ever need something. Because she's family.

So if you ever need something. And Kathy's like, yes, well, if you ever need something, please call me as well. Kathy's like, yes, well, if you ever need something, please call me as well. And somehow, even though, like, Teresa just said, yeah, I really don't want to have anything to do with you. Like, you don't matter enough for me to make amends with you. And, like, I will, like, I'll help you if it's, like, out of sheer obligation. But that's, don't expect anything more than just, like, the most perfunctory assistance. They're all like, great. And then they, like, cheers and, like, great. And then they cheers and hug.

Love you. Love you. Love you. And I love Kathy's argument. She's had years to prepare for this one sit down. And Teresa goes, yeah, but Richie put my cookbook in the garbage. And Kathy goes, yeah, but I pulled it out. Meanwhile, says Teresa, who put the sprinkle cookies in the garbage for Melissa.

So listen, the garbage move has been done before. They learned it from the best. Melissa didn't write the sprinkle cookies. Oh, gosh. So then the shocking thing is that Teresa's crying on the way to the car, which is weird and hilarious to watch her nose try and scrunch up, which meant it was real. Yeah, that was well, I'm like, well, don't you see how much you're crying? Don't you then maybe think you should just move on and have a relationship with your cousins? It's not that big of a deal. Like you can just say, you know what?

Fuck, we both did things wrong. We both are acting crazy. Let's just be friends because it. We both did things wrong. We both are acting crazy. Let's just be friends because it's much easier to be friends. How about that? Yeah, I'm usually on everybody else's side, but every time they show a clip of Kathy and Rosie, it's not like Kathy and Rosie are really being supportive behind the scenes.

Every time they had a scene before, they were like, well, she deserved it, right? Yeah, but God bless her. She's our cousin, but she deserves the blue. Like whether or not it's Teresa's fault, no one wants to see that in the scenes. i think the problem with kathy and rosie is that they just are um they're kind of like they're they're so rarely up front they're like a little passive even passive aggressive and i think that that just works everyone that they're around you know rather

than just being just saying like hey you around, you know, rather than just being, just saying like, hey, you do this, you're a motherfucker, stupid person, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And then they're like, okay, yeah, I respect that. Okay, we got it all out. We're Italian, you know? Yeah, and then they get victim-y behind the scenes. It's like, well, Teresa, like, you don't know what she did to me. Like, oh, come on now, you shrinking violet. Teresa's not right, but that doesn't make you right.

Okay, y'allall now let's all cheers well that brings us the end of an exciting episode so everyone thanks for listening hopefully we'll see some of you at the LA Podfest this weekend don't forget about our tune in

gossip show that'll be that'll be the next episode will be up tomorrow um and we'll talk about bethany and andy cohen which is great and also kelly dodd and tamra um and um remember to go uh go weigh in on our new little feature the crappin super fight that'll be super fun um and we'll put that up on Patreon for you.