Watch What Crappens - #348: Thirst Babies

Episode Date: November 21, 2016

In this very special early Thanksgiving episode, the Real Housewives of Atlanta talk absentee dads both before and after conception as the ladies of Married to Medicine try to convince us their eggs aren’t scrambled. Hope you’re feeling fertile! Enjoy! Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Timestamps: 0 Crappens Mailbag 14:39 RHOA 1:01:05 Married to Medicine See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappins would like to thank its sponsors, Mia Hanson Aloha, Christy Doherty, and our special super premium sponsor, the gorgeous, sexy, Madge with the sexy J. We love you girls. Watch what happens, watch what happens, who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Watch what happens, watch what happens, who cares what happens when there's so much that happens?

Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, very special early Thanksgiving episode. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV and the Rose Pricks Bachelor Podcast. And I'm here with the gorgeous, about-to-leave-town Ben Mandelker, the B-side blog on the Banter Blender. Hello, Ben. Hi, how's it going? Good. Happy Thanksgiving week. Yeah.

Happy rainy-ass week. It's like L.A. just heard it's going to be Thanksgiving, so it just started getting cold and rainy. That's just the way I like it. Prefer. Yeah, I prefer it to hot and nasty, except that I have a dog. Oh, yeah. You have to walk with Bueller out in the mist. Yes.

I'm teaching Bueller how to poop and pee a foot away from the house. Finally, after five years. Yeah. Everybody, thanks so much for being here today's episode is early because we're taking thursday off guy little turkeys so today we're doing real housewives of atlanta and married to medicine regular yes atlanta regular classic married to medicine and then on tuesday you'll get your normal show which will be vanderpump rules and real housewives of Orange County.

So you're basically going to get the same number of podcasts this week, just a little bit earlier than usual. Just a little earlier, guys. Yeah. To find all of our links, go to watchwhatcrappens.com. To talk to other listeners and talk during the live show threads and to comment on these episodes, you can go over to facebook.com slash watch what crap ends

also if you are interested in our bonus episodes and video chat hangouts which by the way our video chat party is next tuesday at 6 p.m pacific uh so that's for subscribers so come on over to patreon.com slash watch what crap ends to sign up. We cover Married to Medicine Houston over there right now. So full recap. So that craziness happening over there. And I think that brings us to the end of the housekeeping, Ben. Yeah. And just a heads up, the bonus episode will be up on Tuesday as usual.

So even though this is the first episode of the week, the first podcast episode of the week, the bonus episode with Marriage Medicine Houston will not be up until Tuesday. So everyone, don't be too confused. Everything is rearranged this week. Everything's in different orders and stuff. And no below deck. That'll be back. We'll do that. We'll come back to below deck after Thanksgiving.

Ajar. So Ben, what you want to do first? What do I want to do? Well, I mean, there are so many things in life to do first um what do i want to do well i mean there are so many things in life to do aren't there not why don't we talk about what we're thankful for it's thanksgiving week you know what i'm thankful for i'm thankful for the twix i just ate i am thankful for this rain mist that is plaguing your walks with bueller i am thankful for bravo tv i'm thankful for my family i'm thankful for my family I'm thankful for my boyfriend I'm thankful for my friends and my board games

But most of all I think that I'm most thankful for The Krappen's mailbag How about you? Well, open her up then, Ben Gobble, gobble, gobble Goat, gobble, turkey, gobble gobble gobble man goat gobble turkey gobble man by the way some shameless self-promotion is that i posted something on my blog this weekend it's

basically a rundown of all these different board games that i've basically been playing for the past year um and so if anyone is looking to buy things on black friday or christmas gifts or anything like that or just want is has heard me talk about board games enough that they are interested in getting involved in the hobby then go to my blog and check out that whole list because it took me a long time to come by girl um so uh the crappins mailbag we'll start with lauren cap who says um hey guys have you ever watched any of the other real housewives from around the world that Bravo hasn't shown? I saw a couple of seasons of Vancouver that are pretty funny. I'm wondering if you'd seen any other ones and what your thoughts might be.

Love you guys. Irma Gerd. I watched Vancouver, and it was the most disturbing one I've ever seen. I mean, the people on there, it was funny, and I liked most of the people. But, of course, the most evil one, it's in the numerology. But her name was Ronnie. And she was a bitch from hell. And then there's another one, this blonde lady who's just awful.

And her daughter's in it, too, with her. And they're the worst human beings ever. They were so vile and disgusting to each other on that show. I couldn't. I had to stop watching. I didn't even watch a second season. And I heard that that chick got what was coming to her too and i just couldn't i couldn't they were too nasty and that's saying something from coming from me yeah seriously i can take it but that was a threshold yeah wow i never saw it i i haven't seen any of the real housewives

um that aren't don't air on bravo we watch so much of this stuff that I just don't have time to take on like shows that are – like Bravo shows that are non-essential for our podcast. So I kind of wanted to check out Vancouver, and I know people are liking Auckland. But I haven't seen them yet. If they show up on Bravo, then I will be there in the front row watching. Yeah, Auckland is supposed to be amazing. I can't wait for that to come out here. And I have a feeling that will come out here because it's getting a lot of attention over here.

Of course, we've watched Cheshire and Melbourne. Melbourne, yeah. So we've seen those. Love those. So we've dabbled in international waters, but they first have to come to us. We're true Americans. They have to come to us first.

We could be thousands of miles away, but we're not very far apart from each other when it comes to trashy aging hoes ripping each other down for sport. That's right. Hugs, everybody. Hugs. Hugs. Here's one from perhaps a new contributor to the crabbins mailbag it's someone named drama dyke beth and uh i love a drama dyke girl normally those are the stage managers yeah that's like fuck you so drama dyke beth says jax has violated his probation for

beating up james lisa vanderpump must step in and explain to Jax why he can't be breaking the law anymore. Meanwhile, a drunken Tom Sandoval sobs as he worries about Jax going to Hawaii prison. So I think that was – I feel like it's Drama Dyke Beth's instructions to us for a scenario. It was just sort of like a statement of like a hypothetical situation so wait what is it i was waiting for the i was waiting for the question part that was it that was it i think unless unless she's just like seeing the future which this all seems highly likely so she says jacks has violated his probation for beating up james lisa vanderpump must step in and explain to jacks why he can't be breaking the law anymore, and Tom Sandoval sobs because he's worried

about Jax going to Hawaii prison. Okay. Jax, darling, I've come here with your bond, darling, but I'm feeling like I would be a bad, bad friend to give you bond again, darling. It's time to learn from your mistakes.

I know, I know, I know, Lisa. I mess up, I mess up, but you know, I'm distracted. My girlfriend's eating out of the girl's pussies. I'm distracted. Well, that is true. Your girlfriend is like that little cat waiting outside of Fred Flintstone's house, just

trying to get in, trying to get into some pussy, darling. But Kristen won't let him. I don't have a girlfriend. I don't know what you're talking about. That's my impersonation of Jax doing a blatant lie, everyone. That was my impersonation. I realize I did a no and.

I did a no and. Oh, Jax, you're such a scoundrel. Kristen. That's Tom. That's the Tom part where he's crazy. The way he worries about Jax going to prison is him going, Kristen! Jax, you gotta stop doing this, man! God, you're in jail again, Jax!

I know, I know. I just have to learn my lesson. I don't know what I can... It's like I didn't mean to. I've never even been to Hawaii, so I don't even know why I'm going to Hawaii jail. This is bullshit, Jax! You went to prison! My dad left, left okay i didn't go to jail hey listen i'm the alpha around here not you or your dad and i've never been to hawaii and i have no girlfriend seriously bro you would say that to me that's that's one of my all-time favorite vanderpump

rules moments when jacks was so cooked out of his brain he He was like, I'm the alpha. I'm the leader. And Tom was like, really, bro? He was like crying. Yeah, that was a great moment. Deliza D says, hey there. Two questions regarding the podcast. One, what's the story behind you guys recording the show at the Improv? Two, how do you select products you promote?

I ask because I think I've heard Heather Dubrow and Brandy glanville promoting some of the same products in a much less interesting way um it's pretty it's actually pretty straightforward uh we are currently at least for the next like month or so we are part of the sideshow network uh and the sideshow network is like part of the same company that owns the improv. So they like it when we come in and record from there just because it's like in the family. And it's like, cool, it's the improv. And then the SciShow Network, they get ads for us. And so they just basically send us emails and we have a Google Doc. And they're like, here, read this ad copy.

And that's what we do. Yeah, it's kind of like a little date. Like we have a little date with the sponsors and we see if we're really into each other. And that's what we do. Yeah, it's kind of like a little date. Like, we have a little date with the sponsors, and we see if we're really into each other. And some of them we're not. Yeah, yeah. I've really enjoyed our sponsors, I have to say. Like, you know, because usually when we have sponsors, we get, like, they send us, like, some stuff to try out. And, like, it's been great.

Like, that HelloFresh shit, like, changed my world on Porkchops. I know, for real hello fresh uh sherry's berries love those berries and we have to give a shout out also to to rum chata which i forget if we've mentioned on the podcast they sent us three giant bottles of rum chata which is like a rum horchata sort of situation uh ronnie i still have to give you yours because i've got these gigantic rum chata bottles here i need to have like a rum chata party just drinking boozy horchata that sounds like a housewives event i think so especially with the holidays coming around you know horchata already has that like that sort of like holiday flavor to it you

know it's got those spices i feel like it's's appropriate. I feel like Lisa Vanderpump would be like, Horchata, aren't there? Isn't there enough Horchata around here already? If you know what I'm saying, ladies. I don't know much about Horchata, but I know a lot about Horchata.

Then she'd look at that look. She'd be like, I just said that. I had my gay right there for for me, for this testimonial. Kenwood buzzed past like, would you like to make love, darling? Okay, no! I'm introducing Lisa Vanderpump Horchata rum. It's going to be delicious and pink, which is crazy, because it's not normally pink, but it's the way I do it. The liquor store down the street from my house is you know it's

like a typical trashy liquor store no offense because i know you're all listening over at that liquor store uh i know all the russian old men are like tuning in the second i leave but uh it's really funny being in a trashy liquor store and having lisa vanderpump's poster taped to a shelf. It's like classy Lisa in her silk pink blouse. With LVP sangria. I feel like she could definitely start to become a competitor with Robin Chata. I think there could be Sir Chata. The question is, what do you think Sir Chata would taste like? Sir Chata.

Happily married, Charter Take that one, ladies Sir Charter is just normal Horchata But it's been knighted It's the Elton Johns of Horchata, Sterling I'm very popular in the gay community So when Elton Johns said he wanted to be turned into Horchata I said, great.

So Charter it is. I was Marilyn Monroe's first nanny, darling. A candle in the Horchata. I kept telling Elton, candles don't work in Horchata, darling. They keep going out. And he said,

that's what happened to Marilyn. And I said, that's what happened to Marilyn. And I said, that's what I always say. If you know what I mean, ladies. I have never been so moved as when Sir Elton John sang his signature song, The Horchata Brick Road. That's a stretch. I understand it was a stretch. Let's get back.

Can you feel the horchata tonight? I'm back. It's the circle of horchata. The horchata king, darling. I'm still horchata. I'm still horchata. What? We're moving

to the lane stretch lane stretch concerts darling let's go to the Horchata

at the end of the street the ladies who Horchata all right Ben

close that damn mailbag up all right so long Horchata Ben, close that damn mailbag up. All right. So long, Horseshotta. Rumshotta's not even a sponsor, but they just got a whole lot of publicity. Guess who else is getting a lot of publicity?

I really don't know, actually i mentioned twix guess what i did it i i turned twix's sales around because i ate one before the show and talked about it i can write that tricks off now the other thing getting a lot of free publicity is the teletubbies darling real housewives of atlanta so the real housewives Housewives of Atlanta this week opens with Portia, Phaedra, and Sharae going to lunch. Sharae shows up in her Mama Joy's hair, which I can't get behind. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I agree. I feel less bitchy saying that, knowing that she has, like, five hairdos ready to go at any moment. You know, when she said that she and Bob were on good terms, I really did not think that she meant her wig. It's like, you talking about Bob? You talking about Bob? You talking about Bob? Bob Bob? Bob Bob?

So this lunch. She's doing her TiVo noises again. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop.

Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop.

Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. I love that Sheree's just, she gets mad if she's always stuck on the main TiVo menu. Oh, I thought you were doing the 24 joke again. Last week.

Previously on 24 Shirees. Shiree is the bomb that terrorists hide in cities. You shot me with a bomb? You put a bomb on me? You put a bomb up? You put a bomb up? They go have lunch together.

These three are the most nonsensical of the cast. So having them all together, I don't even know what the fuck they're talking about half the time. It starts out with Portia like, I cannot wait to eat! I'm gonna look like a Teletubby when I leave here, girl! And Phaedra's like, girl, girl, girl, girl, girl. Then they start talking about camel toe. And Phaedra's like, now, I love this camel toe trend.

You can just go buy you some camel toe, honey. What are they talking about? Is camel toe now a trend that people are buying fake camel toes to put in their in their workout pants i i don't know and i i i i want to say i hope not but maybe some people are into it maybe it's like a straight guy's version of like freeball and porn i guess i have no idea i've never heard of this and i didn't understand what they were saying and i was watching it live because we're doing this on sunday night so i was watching it live, and then it repeats after Married to Medicine. And I was like, oh, while I'm waiting,

I'll just let it play again, because I love this show. And I didn't understand it the second damn time either. I was like, what are these ladies talking about? Yeah, that scene was just like a whole bunch of, it sounded actually like Turkey's Goblins. With a few, yes, honey just honey sprinkled in there from yeah it was mainly just straight he sounds like the turkey well it's more of a pigeon sound i guess

it's more of a pigeon we've got shire going and then you've got porsche going and you've got phaedra like were like um then they moved on to they were talking about the kenya thing but she goes that's what a little dicker do and even shiree was like wait that's what a dick do that's what a little dick do no one knew what was happening yeah the waiters must have been very confused they're like just have the bus boy deliver this check please those ladies are making me uncomfortable yeah i didn't really know what's going on i just sort of was like i'm just i'll just sit here and wait for the next scene and then we had like a back and forth because uh sheree was telling the ladies about her fight with kenya about more manner and chateau sheree and then that was like intersplice with kenya

who was working out with matt who thankfully was shirtless um and she was telling matt about this whole fight and pretty much everyone could not believe the stupidity of this of this fight i was actually shocked that bravo like had us sit through a and this is what happened and this is what happened i'm like i don't think that fight needed a post-game report you know what else doesn't need to happen squats on kenya the woman's got an ass as big as a cul-de-sac why Why is she doing squats? Kenya, that is the last thing you need to be doing is squats. Yeah. And then Matt,

Matt's out in the park with her doing squats, and he's like, Yes, Kenya! Yes! Yes, Kenya! Yeah. It was a very intense moment for enthusiasts of fitness.

Very romantic, guys. And Kenny goes, it is so good to have someone sane in my life. You mean the man who you just said was abusive like last week and you showed pictures? Knocked down the door, possibly the one next to Toya's house.

Jeez. So then Sheree is explaining to the ladies while they're talking about the fight she's like first of all my house is not my mama's name she's like it's a trust okay it's a trust okay they all start they all start weighing in they all of a sudden become like experts on trust yeah you could put this trust you could put this in a trust you know this centerpiece you have a trust i'm like does anyone really know what's going on with the trust porsche what was porsche saying about it sounded like she was saying uh you know you know you had an electric bill when you were five girl like talking about co-signing like maybe her

mom is the co-signer or some shit there was a lot of talk about electric bills all episode this is just the beginning just kept on coming up like they just kept of talk about electric bills all episode. This is just the beginning. It just kept on coming up. They just kept on referring to electric bills. I like, though, that Sheree talked about how Kenya called her a hoe. She was like, she called me a hoe. I've never been associated with hoes before. I think I could swear that that word has been used with you in one of the many arguments that you've been on.

Surely the word hoe was used when Marlo and you fought in Africa at the the very least yes i'm sure you've been associated with some holes sheree okay this isn't your first trip around this block the hoedio ho hoedio uh but then i like sheree's comeback she's like well everyone knows kenya slept her way to the top of the z-list dvd rack did you hear pager go babe that's good because you had a clip of quad last week for married medicine going baby and pager did it this time she was like baby and then i don't even know what they're talking about but oh they were talking about how Kenya even has a relationship in her unfinished house. And Portia's like, you know she has sex with a hazmat on. Oh, God, Portia. It's not a nuclear testing site.

Yeah. No, she literally thinks that's what it's called when you have sex with Matt. It's a hazmat. She has Matt. A hazmat. So let's see here. Matt taking kenya to his family reunion right which seems like a bad idea yeah it does not seem why i've never done this before she's excited to go but of course she brings it and rightly so because it's sad she's like i i've never had a mother and i was like oh man after meeting you a couple of times this one's gonna refuse to answer

the door when you bring a van over ding dong me too can you yeah um speaking of families over at the candy factory um there's a meeting going on uh they're doing you know they're having one of their silly meetings i i always like i said i think i said last week whenever candy's doing business i'm like yeah look she's like businesswoman let's go you know go candy but whenever todd is calling a meeting i'm like okay well this is gonna be some bullshit like you know he's like the worst he's gonna be like water fountains in my right guys yeah he's like i was like all right candy i want to have a block party for olg they're like well it's not even like ready yet he's like i was like all right candy i want to have a block party for olg they're like well it's not even like ready yet he's like yeah but i want to have a block party

i'm like this is basically peter 2.0 yes and candy's already gotten frustrated uh i think last week or the week before saying now when i have a business it works but when i do these businesses with other people and then it shows like the play closing and the restaurant not being done kind of you know peterish of todd yeah um she we're we're seeing her start to get a little frustrated but i like that candy can get revenge in little ways like she sits in a chair where her head goes above the back of the chair but then todd sits in this throne that makes him look like he's on the set of The Incredible Shrinking Woman. It's like an entire wall. It's like a kingdom wall of a chair just to make him feel smaller in meetings.

And, you know, you've got to hand it to subtle ass candy. Yeah. No, it's a good move. It's a good power move. You make people feel literally smaller. Big chairs. Remember who's boss. Yeah, exactly. So they they're having they're like chatting about this block party and then this like woman walks in named chris kelly and everyone's like

dun dun dun and then but we're all like we don't know who the woman this woman is and why everyone is so like freaked out by her and everything and it turns out that this woman is um she's a singer or something she's an artist and she's signed to um riley's riley's baby daddy his name whose name is block not to be confused with the block party for the old lady gang i know look at that do you think that was even planned like they're planning a block party and what did they get a season-long block party just walked exactly it's like they said block three times in a row and all of a sudden block has arrived to play the entire season um what was her name like chris christie or something no chris kelly oh chris sounds like like a dj from like you know new

jersey um like like like he's on wplj like hey i'm I'm Chris Kelly on WPLJ playing the best music from Block. I like when Candy was like, Block and I don't talk. And I was like, God, you can't stop writing lyrics, can you? Genius. So the funny thing is everyone's like, see? Now, Chris Kelly had Chris get into the Candy Factory. They're like, how strange that she just came on in here like like no one knew she's gonna be here i'm like she's wearing a full-on mic

the producers clearly told her to come over oh so they had it she's like let's just talk alone because my employees will rip you from limb to limb just for fun you know and they have to plan a block party so they go even don Juan, who is currently nursing the baby. So they go for their little private meeting. And this is some new wife bullshit that Candy has to deal with. Where she's like, I don't understand why the party can't continue with the baby and the block. And the block just want to be a part of the party, baby. I'm like, oh, no.

No, no, second wife. Get the fuck out of here, okay? You have no say here. Yeah, exactly. And basically what Chris Kelly was saying was, well, maybe, you know, Block hasn't been reaching out to Riley because Block has been getting a certain sort of vibe from Candy that he's not welcome. So she basically is, like, blaming Candy for this, which is not, that's just not the way you're going to fix this situation. Well, I'm sure Candy is giving him a bad vibe, but that shouldn't have anything to do with him calling his damn kid. What an asshole. Yeah, exactly.

Like, you're not going to call your kid because you get a vibe from your from your ex. Please. What an asshole. Man up. Yeah. Yeah. And she's like, I've met the Riley. And, you know, she does have a wall.

She has a wall up, you know? But for him, I'd like to see them together. I'm like, you need to get yourself a better... You're making her a stallion. I was cracking up because she didn't really have... Yeah, I'm just a girl from Jamaica. Jamaica, Italy. Jumping on mushrooms.

She didn't really have a very thick accent, but Candy gave her a very thick accent. So, of course, I turned it into Real Housewives of New Jersey because, you know, I missed the show. Chris is like, When you do a bad things, you got to pay at the pipe. Teresa's like, How dare you? How can I do that?

You don't want my no cry. No worries about to thing. That's what I say, right? Yeah. And Candy's just basically like, no, get out. Yeah. Bye. Yeah.

In a nice way. She's like, do not take a piece of candy from that bowl on your way out. Yeah. Chris Kelly. Yeah. Chris Kelly. You're stupid. Radio DJ name. go play some hits you better so she gets rid of her but this is going to be a season-long piece of shit drama yeah which is all

we need but you know this show is yeah that's true but this show is so funny i guess we do need something to enrage me. Otherwise, what am I doing here? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if it's that funny of a show, I have to say. I mean, it definitely makes me chuckle, but... That first scene... Ooh, something nice.

That first scene with Sheree and Portia and Phaedra, I could watch that on loop for a day and laugh my ass off every time, even though I don't understand what's happening or what anybody's saying. Yeah. I mean, definitely this show, it can be really funny, especially when they're being super shady to each other.

But, you know, in between those laughs, it can be, it can be a little trying for me, I have to say, although it's nothing compared to marriage medicine. Oh God, this is a fun one for you all around, eh?

God. It's all my favorite shows. You're like Kenya on the drive to the family reunion with Matt. I know. In fact, I'm videotaping him right now with my phone. He's next to me. He's driving. We're recording from this car.

Watching him get... He's driving her car. He can't even make it out that damn driveway. And he helped build it. I know. He, Matt was actually really excited. It was kind of cute. Maybe I'm just like prone to like projecting cuteness onto him because he's like hot.

And he has to deal with Kenya's craziness. He's crazy. But I thought it was, I thought it was enduring. You know, he's hot and he has to deal with Kenya's craziness. He's crazy. But I thought it was enduring. Of course he's excited. He's going to show up to a family reunion in a Land Rover. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah, so they are going to drive all the way up to Cincinnati for the reunion.

He's like, I think we'll be able to bond. I'm like, no, you just don't want to pay for the ticket. Yeah. It's pretty obvious. And she complained the whole time she's like why does it smell like pee in here and he's like because your dog's already pissed all over the car can you like what do you want from me you know and the whole way she's like this is torture for me i want to dig a tunnel at the bottom of the car and then she starts filming herself and

periscoping and facebook living and tweeting and he's just like, oh, geez. But I gotta land over. Yeah. Gotta land over. And the dogs were humping in the back. So while they were making their trek north towards Cincinnati, Sheree goes and visits Bob.

Bob. Bob. Bob. Over at his house. Poor Bob. I feel bad like there's something about those bravo cameras that like makes him anxious and he just starts to sweat i mean he's a big man so he probably sweats normally a lot but wow he was just soaked by the end of this scene yeah he was pouring sweat the whole time just dripping it everywhere and sheree's like just keep eye contact keep eye contact keep eye contact with bob let's be okay just don't make me another smoothie don't make another smoothie he's been losing weight he's lost 20 pounds which is impressive but on a guy like bob that's like

biting a fingernail off i mean the guy is enormous and i thought it was really funny that after this scene they showed the commercial for for that movie Moana because Bob is so huge and Moana is so huge, too. I'm like, oh, this is like hugs to Bob. I I I the Bob. I mean, Bob is he's an interesting character. I feel like I don't trust him. I don't I feel like I have not welcomed Bob back into my life. I feel like he would. He was so shady for so many years and now all of a sudden he's just like

happy-go-lucky making like terrible fruit shakes i'm just not sure where i stand with bob right now but you know who else is like that charie i mean when they were showing the clips of their relationship when she was just divorcing him she was such a bitch she was so nasty now granted he was cheating and stuff i'm not saying she doesn't have reason but her attitude then compared to her some i don't know she's got like a sliver of humility now i guess because she's been so embarrassed over the past few years like she got fired from the housewives and her house never got finished and it's like been piling on her and she's turned nicer even though she'll still yell at kenya yeah i mean it's it's hard to

remember but season one she was the villain i mean she was the worst season one she was so awful because she remember she didn't invite nini to her party or she kicked nini out of her party and that was like caused drama for an entire season oh it was so great um well he wants to move into chateau charrette yeah um and she's, you gotta crawl before you walk, Bob. And also, I gotta have electric. I'm like, it has nothing to do with crawling and walking. It has to do with the fact that you have no furniture in there.

She's like, the only thing I'm hooking up is the electricity of Chateau Charest. So I'm not sure, but I feel like they belong together. Yeah, they probably will wind up they do have a nice rapport and you know like they have kids so he'll probably move into chateau charrette and you know he'll be in a separate room and then they'll be in the same room and then they'll be back together it'll be happy ending yeah then they'll fight throw some

baseboards at each other then all the baseboards and then he'll burn the house down and we'll have to build Chateau Charest all over again. I was laughing with a friend this week. We were talking about Atlanta and we were dying over the fact that Kenya's big stamp of her own independence is, I don't need no baseboards. Whoa, way to stand up for yourself, Kenya.

Yeah, I don't need wainscoting either how about that oh wow let's put you on the cover of ms magazine so next up is cynthia and noel and as usual cynthia spends the entire episode in the kitchen just sitting around in the kitchen noelle's making beignets and cynthia's just like standing there yeah and her mom and sister come over and they're talking about peter blah blah but i knew that cynthia was gonna try to cry but she wasn't gonna be able to cry because she is wearing her fro and not her cornrows and she only cries in the cornrows yes yeah that's a very good point.

Yeah, basically it was like a nothing scene. Essentially, like her mom and sister came over. And then Mal's like, hey, Cynthia, Peter's been talking to me. And she's like, what? What? And he's like, she says, you know what Peter told me? I miss my wife. Well, of course he's going to say that to you because he's like a manipulative asshole. Well, of course he's going to say that to you because he's like a manipulative asshole.

Like he's so like his manipulations are so blatant that like it makes me wonder why he even goes with him in the first place. He's like, I miss my wife's pin number. Could you please get it from her and text it to me so I can get goddamn dinner? Yeah. I mean, luckily, Cynthia is going to be hanging out with hot Leon next week to get her head straight, because if she falls for this bullshit which i don't think she will if she does it's just not right yeah uh she won't fall for it she's like i really don't want to be one of those people who's in an unhappy marriage mal's like good because we gave you fake marriage documents you never really got married in the first place like suddenly her mom and mal become the heroes of that story you know yeah exactly they're like so now that peter's out of the situation can we get his money instead thanks when you're getting married in a loaned out dinosaur museum that's not a good sign okay

yeah i think fossils are always a bad omen for a marriage. Because I don't – you know, when they say something borrowed, something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, you know, the old thing doesn't have to be as old as fossils. It can be a little younger than 65 million years old. Or Peter, for that matter. Yeah. You overachieved on that front, and I think it's come back to haunt you so Portia and Phaedra go exercise together in the park girl I'm in the wrong park

oh wait it says I'm here I thought this place was just for dogs somewhere Kristen from Real Housewives of New York City was like having a moment if only they were geocaching I don't know what she's talking about half the time Real Housewives of New York City was like having a moment. If only they were geocaching! I don't know what she's talking about half the time. She's like, what you doing,

P. Diddy? I guess because her name starts with a P. And then Portia starts screaming at Phaedra's like, girl, this place looks like where Jason chases the girls. Yeah, that was funny. And Portia says, I gotta work on my endorphins and she goes

oh no you're endorphins girl yeah she's not the endorphins oh yeah not the endorphins girl yes uh yeah this is supposed to be what keeps um what keeps porsche calm so that way she does not turn into the hulk yeah it'll happen anyway i mean i feel like she must work up so many endorphins when she goes and attacks people that i don't know if working up endorphins ahead of time is really going to fix anything. Yeah, she just needs to get people screaming in her face until she's just desensitized to it. Yeah. I mean, you're not going to desensitize yourself to crazy bitches by taking a speed walk every once in a while, okay? I'd like to see her and Gg um have like some like anger management together

gg from shah's sunset not gg my love gg who currently is as we speak hosting the american music awards which is hilarious i'm sure yolanda is posting like every single photo of gg hadid with like any celebrity being like congratulations gg and you know whoever like kanye my two loves like any celebrity that ggs yeah exactly it's like my mom fucked a musician once totally qualified gg yeah yeah exactly i guarantee it's yolanda's totally posting anyway i digress digress. It's not about Yolanda. She's like, I saw Everybody Loves Raymond, one of my best friends in the audience of the Gigi show. Oh, I'm so glad so many people came to the Gigi Awards. What the fuck is wrong with me that that's my example that I think of? Ray Romano from Everybody Loves Raymond sitting in the American Music Awards.

Why? Everybody Loves G sitting in the American Music Awards. Why? Everybody Loves Gigi. Great show. River Mano is so good and Everybody Loves Gigi. What was the brother's name that nobody liked? What was it?

What was it? No, I don't want to know. What was the other one? My favorite show growing up, Facts of Gigi. I love all those five Gigi's in a house together. Gigi did such gg i love all those five ggs in a house together gg did such a good job playing all those roles different ggs mr belver gg oh so good gt and gg

one gg at a time such a wonderful comedy from the 70s. Gigi in charge. 2-2 Gigi. Love it. Golden Gigi's. Gigi's there. I'm out of TV shows. We've officially gone over everything I've ever watched in my entire life. Who's the Gigi? Oh, such a funny show.

Who's the Gigi? Get out of here, other one. What are you looking at? Go back to your syndicated comedies that no one ever liked in the first place. Watch your own TV, other one. Other one plays Harriet in Small Wonder. Small Gigi. other one other one plays harriet in small wonder small gg poor bella okay so porsche over at the endorphin whatever porsche is talking about how she's decided that she wants to have a baby without a man which is i don't know that like it's springtime for housewives right now every housewife

yes there's someone on every single housewife show right now wanting a baby so she's decided that she doesn't need a man and phaedra's like well do you want me to get you one from prison and you can just use the sperm and then get them thrown back in there when you're done with them she's like no my sister had one i? She's like, no, my sister had one. I want to have one right now because my sister did. Like, oh my god. Stop being so desperate. It's so weird. You're just desperate to, like,

be as important as your sister. It's so thirsty. No one needs a thirst baby. Stop it. Someone just needs to get her a Tamagotchi. That's all. She'll kill that thing. Like, she'll be one of the only things. She'll be one of the only things she'll be one of the only idiots to kill that damn keychain baby or whatever the hell those were that's what you mean right those are those little keychain babies yeah exactly

my niece had one or one of my little cousins had one of those and they're like it would cry it would go off i almost just stepped on that thing you should have what was the name of that other like um like that little that toy fat it was like a little furry kind of baby and would also like react furby furby furby they looked like giz they were basically a ripoff of gizmo from gremlins yeah yeah exactly i think she could use a furby toys are really weird a couple years ago there was like an electronic hamster and it was like the biggest selling toy on amazon and my nieces went crazy when i bought it for them it's like it's just get a hamster yeah actually more interesting than this i mean yeah okay either by the way all these are great options for porsche

a hamster a fake hamster a furby or a keychain i think those really will scratch that maternal itch that she has yes she can still beat them when she's mad no all of those all of those things are a better idea than you having a baby okay yeah we gave an ashtray how about that you can take care of an ashtray make sure it doesn't break i was dying at phaedra's reaction to this but i always do i love her but basically this guy is a lobbyist in dc she used to date him when she was a teenager or when they were teenagers and she's a lobbyist yeah he's a lobbyist in D.C. I'm like, of course, the one that you don't want to move in with immediately and get married is the one that has a successful job and a career and a life. Well, the reason why I was a little shocked by that is because, of course, I went and stalked him on the internets.

And I went to his LinkedIn page. It says he's assistant to the CEO of whatever company. So I think he's just an executive assistant. It says that on his LinkedIn. Oh, so he's not a lobbyist. Maybe he's just someone who waits around the lobby or something. He probably works in the lobby somewhere and Portia's just dumb. He's like, hey, Portia, I gotta go.

I gotta run to the Hobby Lobby for something. She's like, ooh! Hobby Lobby, honey! Lobbying is his hobby. When they hear the words Black History. Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February.

And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever

you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's industry's Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student

to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success.

If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Oh, so Phaedra's, like, mortified, but, you know,

what are you gonna do? We don't all get an ex-con to come impregnate us and leave again. So she's like, okay, I'll support you. But I did like her, Portia's like, well, I wanna make sure that he can't come back and say, you unfit! Is there such a thing as a baby nut that's hilarious and there needs to be a baby nut because being homos we have lots of

interesting merit not marriage situations but like baby situations where it's like the egg goes in that one and the sperm comes from that one and then it goes on some rental oven from arizona like we need some baby nuts that's actually a decent business idea yeah it's the best business idea to come out of this show in a while absolutely and i'm surprised megan king edmunds did not jump up to be like um i feel like i have to weigh in here because i'm pregnant and i had a baby through unorthodox means and i just kind of wanted to mention that right now because uh is there any kind of contract is there any kind of contract that you can get that would make one of your babies stay? Are you no tool?

Are you no tool? Is there a trash can up? Because that's where my baby came out from. I don't want the trash can trying to get, you know, fatherly rights or whatever. Is there a golf cart in the hub? Because I am in the middle of a golf game right now, and I kind of don't want to interrupt it to deal with the baby in the hub.

This smells like sandalwood. Anywho, sorry, I got us off the tangent, onto a really strange tangent with making cannons there. Yeah, so they were like, so basically Todd has two grown kids, Sorry, I got us off the tangent onto a really strange tangent with Megan Cairns there. Yeah. So they were like, so basically Todd has two grown kids. And yeah. So the question is, is he going to be a good, good fit? But more importantly, someone put a corset around a tree trunk and Phaedra's like, this is your sort of park.

The tree is wearing corsets. Nasty tree. I think that Portia is just basically getting creative about getting a boyfriend she figures if she gets pregnant on purpose with somebody that he will eventually fall in love with her and it'll all work out because porsche dates plenty like porsche gets it it's not like porsche is some virgin and she's like richish and famous-ish now and yeah she's still supposedly boning all these african dudes you know like these african billionaires and you know that she wants to get knocked up

with some mystery african billionaire sperm which will probably happen while she strings along this cute guy who works in the lobby of wherever yeah because none of this is making sense but i'm like none of this yeah i agree um so then we uh we go up to cincinnati where uh kenya and matt go to lunch with matt's family um including his parents harold and maddie and his sister hallison which for some reason that name just cracks me up hallison and of course of course fucking hallison would have a child named london spelled wrong with a what what is with this what is with people who can't spell their names yeah no this is not something to pass on to your child okay you know and it's one thing to be like okay you know um i'm like chrissy spelled c-h-r-y-s-s-i-e

fine but like london is actually named after the city of London. I mean, I don't get it. Am I just too rigid? Am I too rigid? I think so. Well, Kenya is certainly not rigid. I don't know why I'm trying all of these segues. I never do that. I never give a shit. I've tried it like every scene today.

But somebody who doesn't give a shit i've tried it like every scene today uh but somebody who doesn't give a shit about that is matt did you notice that he was he said when he opened the door for kenya he's like myth america like oh no oh how dare you sir you know that she's playing it nice so she didn't punch the shit out of him after he said yeah exactly well to be fair matt has a lot of existential questions on his mind. Chiefly, is anyone else disappointed by the size of their waffle? I like the dad.

He's like, this ain't the waffle house. I just imagine Matt staying up late at night staring at the ceiling wondering if waffles will ever be the same. They used to be so big how could we have our family reunion at a place with waffles this size i mean it's barely even a waffle it's like a waffle fry at this point so the family starts kind of grilling kenya i mean

they know she's a bitch from hell already because they've seen her on tv and she's divorced with divorce or not divorced, but broken up with him a couple of times already and put all over the Internet that he's an abuser. So exactly. And she even tries it a little bit when she's saying how they're like working through things. And she's like, you know, regardless of the immaturity, sometimes I'm like, wow, you saying you're saying that to his family. You are one bold lady. And they give her a little risk. I'm like, wow, you're saying that to his family? You are one bold lady. Yeah. And they give her a little risk. The mom is pretending, you know, like to get her, whatever.

But she's being pretty nice, I think. The parents are actually really great. Her parents are really awesome. She's like, what are your favorite things about Matt? And she's like, well, I'm working on his fashions. You know, when we met, he was wearing the Crocs and the socks. And the mom's like, don't you talk about my son? And they kind of had a laugh. But Kenya really is clueless.

She had no idea. And then the sister, Hallison. Oh, no. Hagason. She comes in here, hagging out all over Kenya. And I was loving every second of it. Yeah, she was not having Kenya. She's like, how about what Matt likes and what Matt doesn't like? she's like how about what matt likes and what matt

doesn't like why is it all about what kenya likes and what kenya doesn't like and the mom's right okay well what are your intentions for my baby and she's like to help him be a better man possibly less mature and get better shoes or whatever find him bigger waffles yeah and the sister is not having and the mom's like that's nice dear and the sister's like why are you taking kenya's side yeah and the mom's just like listen i'm the mother here and everyone needs to know that sometimes you don't have to say everything that's on your damn mind and he's like i don't understand that concept now let's get some big waffles yes uh hallison's like so do you consider yourself a cougar

i was like oh girl you do you want to get punched because this bitch will punch you hallison okay and then kenya gets the bill she insists she insists on getting the bill but not hers it's like charge that bitch for her own damn waffle. Yeah, exactly. So then we get our first glimpse of, I think it's our first glimpse of Riley for the first time this season. And she's like a teenager now. Our little sweet Riley is growing up. She's like growing out of the awkward adolescence. And she's like turning into a woman.

Riley is hot now. I mean, what the frick I get that people grow up and stuff but like you can't be a giant little girl in what because remember last year when they were like she is 12 we were like what in what world is she 12

but I mean she is gorgeous my god she's always a pretty girl but just smut luck girl super modeling now and her hair is all done she's got like the double the double color hair like partly bleached side pony yeah she's like uh she's a little lady a little lady that riley and uh see now riley Now Riley's going to car ride with Candy. It was driving. So they are driving. And basically Candy – oh, because Riley's getting like a wisdom teeth out or something like that.

And so Candy tells Riley about Chris Kelly coming around and like – because Candy is in this situation where she really is like pissed off by this whole – whole Chris Kelly coming in and now Block wants to be a dad. But she really wants Riley to have a relationship with her father. So she sort of proposed it to Riley. And Riley's like, um, no. Riley's like, I don't want to say I don't care. But if it was a phone call, I would press decline. Yeah. She goes, void. And it should be him not his

girlfriend calling me and she's right she's right yeah she's a mature little girl that's what happens you know you really raise a true artist when you put a stage in their bedroom i hope you've Riley on the stage. See? Yeah. Riley. Oh, so Portia over at Krav Maga. Portia and that boy, Todd. Her Todd. So cute. What lobby are you working in? I will rent a room at that La Quinta girl. Yeah, he is.

He is adorable. He's super cute. Wow. That smile. Yes. He knows he's got that good smile, too. say porsche you know what go have a baby with him that's a good smile to pass on to the child yes and she has the talk with him and that smile oh my god i mean is he an abuser like he's too charming to be real i can't believe that he's real yeah he just has to he literally is the sort

of guy who just can smile and get out of any situation like she basically is like will you have a baby with me and he's like no bitch but he like smiles it basically comes off as like you're the most beautiful person ever and i'm politely declining this ridiculous request from you you know but he seemed to be totally into her so i think her little plan is gonna work where they're gonna start like some ld relationship now oh no wow he was he's gorge she's gonna control him with her ovaries long distance it's like the promise of her ovaries oh so now the family reunion okay this was so weird it opened with some like weird tampon commercial music yeah what was that music and everything is in slow motion like kenya's dancing in slow motion you see it was it was weird it was like the producers it was like the producers were like we've been doing this show for like seven years

and we want to do something vaguely creative with it so we're gonna have a slow motion dance montage to make it look sort of arts arts and look sort of like the pleasures of family. You know? I guess. I mean, it's folding tables and Schaefer dishes. So let's drop it. Okay, guys? Yeah.

So the sister, Hallison, is like, can we talk? I'm very skeptical, Kenya. And Kenya goes, well, why are you skeptical? And she goes, I said very skeptical. Very, very, very, very skeptical Kenya and Kenya goes well why are you skeptical I said very skeptical very very very very skeptical okay yeah and then Kenya basically taps into her pageant roots

and says something about like I don't remember what it was but it's something like I just want Matt to be a better man and I you know he he he like stands up for me and I really respect that and all I can ask for you is to give me and i really respect that and all i can ask for you is to give me a shot the way that i gave a shot on him you know um and i just want you to keep the door open for me like literally keep doors open otherwise your brother's gonna

knock them down she's like one thing i've learned is not to close doors around your brother it's just not worth it a lot of money don't shut the door on me and alliston's like the door is open shut up you got a free waffle out of this whole thing none of this counts so then the mom and kenya hug and um the mom's like this is the first woman that matt's ever introduced us to you're lovely and kenya's like wow this really isn't like a family reunion with hot pink kenya moore shirts but thanks for having me it's sort of strange how you like talk to your son like are you feeling okay why aren't you like behind a door somewhere i don't understand this how mothers act now if you really loved him you

would go behind the door and refuse to open it when he shows up in a van with a cast okay um that that's so rude of us because she was like this is so nice this mother is choosing me and my mother never did choose me i'm like i don't know that she chose you she gave you a hug and said me i'm like i don't know that she chose you she gave you a hug and said okay it's okay that you called my son an abuser all over the internet for a week now don't fuck up again okay yeah she's not a harry potter wand okay yeah exactly so sheree and candy now have uh a sad scene working out yeah what's their obsession with working out this whole episode was working out yeah there was a lot of fitness and so this time they were at crossfit and again they're working out and then once they're done you know have you noticed that the past like two or three years the pattern with these shows is there a store or they're like working out or they're doing something

and then the salesperson's like okay i'm just gonna leave you two alone i'm like that doesn't happen in real life so but the crop their trainer was like okay i'm to leave you two alone. I'm like, that doesn't happen in real life. But their trainer was like, okay, I'm going to leave you two alone, even though it's the middle of our session. Okay, I'll be right back. So then they start talking, and they do have a really strong scene where they're talking about

how they never had relationships with their fathers, and for Candy, how tough this is, because she really wants Riley to have a relationship with her father but how like candy hates this guy candy has no respect and it was good because we got a lot of candy i love when candy cries even though it was like nothing really to make fun of but she was you know she's like i told his punk ass i don't need you in love. I just like her. I like her crying voice. I love the candy cry, too. She's like, I don't like not to know her. I don't need your love.

She has a place in the Reza register when Reza cries. It gets like this and I see we was like this. Look, I was like, no, I believe people can change. And she made the point that the black men didn't have strong fathers to learn how to be strong fathers from and all this stuff. Look, I'm not even opposed to that argument. But this fucking guy, we've heard about this guy before on the show. Because this guy has been such an asshole to Riley. And, of course, his second chance is coming right when the cameras start filming again.

And his new girlfriend needs publicity for her whatever music she's making. So fuck this guy. No, he doesn't deserve a second chance. And fuck you for even saying that. You should just say no. He's already had a second chance. Yeah, I thought it was shady that this guy, this guy who has like a Chevrolet symbol on his neck for some reason like great you support like like a crappy crappy line of american cars sorry chevy owners um but like that that he gets a scene it was like he

wasn't with any other housewives there was lena this like friend of who showed up a few times but i actually thought that was actually pretty shitty the producers of the show that was like you know they like candy has been a stalwart everyone loves candy the viewers love candy they've built um they've built um spin-offs around her she's beloved and to me that says that they went and they tracked down um this guy and we're like okay we want you to be on the show right now and i think that's really shady yes because as much of they as much as they've tried they cannot bring candy down to everybody else's level like really they can do it with almost anybody and they try to get everybody

in some way i mean they are reality producers it's not like a huge shock but they can't get candy i mean she's gotten she's lost her cool a couple of times and they even got her to lose it a little bit last year but not nothing like this i mean this is just not cool i don't like it you know like me no like you either i'm team candy not team block block your chevy what your chevy tattoo i don't know why that really really bothered me i'm like i'm like of all the of all the cars that you're going to get tattooed on your neck you're gonna do like chevy like chevy malibu like well i'm trying to see what are in my rock notes except piece of shit i think i wrote that wrote that 10 times um but then uh this other

girl lena is saying well wait no wait i'm scared because they were cutting back and forth in the scene i'm sorry i'm getting confused on my notes but um candy is talking toeree in the gym about this still. And she goes, yeah, I haven't heard that he said anything bad. And Chris said that he doesn't say anything bad about me. But Portia told me that she dated Block and he was saying bad things about me to her. And they were just dating. And Sheree goes, so we got to add Block to Portia's list too? That girl goes around the block oh my god i can't believe i can't believe porsche and block were a thing but i also can't believe it hasn't come up before well and then they we that we cut back to the

scene with block in his chevrolet tattoo and he's like people do people say i wasn't there for her well they don't know what i what that i was there for her when she was born okay i was there when she was born really because that was like 14 years ago dick and then you weren't there right after she was born this guy is such a pig get rid of him. And he's like, and if she doesn't urge her daughter to call me, I'm not going to just call her. No, you should. You're the dad.

You're allowed to just call, actually. Don't put it on the daughter. You're the dad. Yeah. So it was kind of a sad way to end the Real Housewives of Atlanta. I mean, what the hell, people? Yeah. I thought there was something about it that felt very shady on the producer's part, if you ask me. I felt like this was – I thought this was wrong to do to Candy.

I thought – I felt like it was a – like here, let's dredge up this person who is really awful in Candy's life. And I also felt like – I was like, oh, is this show going to try to move into some sort of like Real Houses of New Jersey situation, like a family – like are we going into like a family rift dynamic either way it just felt it wasn't nice and we got to give credit to candy for holding it together because when this bitch walked into her candy factory or whatever candy looked legit shocked and you could tell that that was real because everybody like no one knew what to say i mean the employees would at least have lines to use against her if they had been prepared and todd was so uncomfortable he didn't know whether he should walk out of the room he was like i i don't know what i'm gonna do man but um you could tell they caught her off guard and they she knew immediately what was happening because

this chick walks in miked into a scene and if she lost it she didn't show any sign of losing it so good for you girl yeah seriously wow that was a definitely a low blow the future center because i would have hurt somebody okay so now on to married to medicine episode three married to medicine married to medicine married to medicine as told by the real hair swans of atlanta now listen here i'm a brand listen here i'm fearless when it comes to medicine so we open this episode back at mariah's dinner party thing the toast to moving on and toya says no more issues need and lisa marie's like well i at my party at my very classy model party i found it offensive that i work all the time and then i have nannies raising my kids and that doesn't mean i don't deserve a family it's like wow she's mad

because she doesn't even remember what her fight is because your whole point was that nannies aren't raising your kids. Yeah, exactly. She basically was offended that Toya would insinuate that she shouldn't have another baby and that Toya would mention that she's 44 years old.

That's my secret. Toya's like, well, what your son did was been born like 10 years earlier or later, so that way you wouldn't have this issue in the first place. That's what you. And then Tori's like, well, what your show did was been born like 10 years earlier or later, so that way you wouldn't have this issue in the first place. That's what you should have did. Tori is like, I gotta be honest. You come from a place of fakeness all day, all around, all day, all around.

All day, all day, all day. Tori is all day. She heard that Kanye West song once, and now she's like, it's my jam. I think she went to Denny's like, it's my jam. I think she went to Denny's and got eggs at 4 p.m. and she was so shocked that she could get them all day that she can't stop

saying it. All day, all day. Wow, I'm moving over Miami about this. So Toya is now completely going after Lisa Nicole and she tells us she's trying to prove her husband that she she's trying to prove to her husband that she's okay in the world by having a baby but she's really sad which i guess i mean that is what it seems like lisa

nicole does seem to be doing that last ditch effort to hold on to her gay husband guy by having a baby yes girl having babies when you're young doesn't help a marriage, contrary to popular belief. And it's certainly not going to help them when you're 45. I mean, Jesus Christ. Yeah, exactly.

And I love that Toya, like one of her reasons for why this all makes no sense. She's like, but your husband was gay just yesterday. Like, you have a baby and now he's gay just yesterday like you're like you have a baby that was gay just yesterday it's like oh like give it give it some time to breathe let the gayness breathe a little bit that's so good like if you really want to help out your marriage

forget the baby suck up your pride and go get yourself a damn strap on yeah yeah you can make it work exactly plenty of people are married to gay men okay they make it work. Exactly. Plenty of people are married to gay men. Okay? They make it work. What do you think Michelle Bachman does? So once Toya brought up the gay thing, that's when everyone's like, okay, this is about to get way dirtier than we're ready for. So let's just move Toya to a different part of the table. And then everything sort of settles down a little bit. And then Toya and Mariah have this weird moment where Toya's like, well, I think that, you know, because we had a fistfight, we're a lot closer now so like it's almost like you're like eugene but you're like mariah now so like we're friends now well lisa nicole's trying to make it everybody else's fault even though she just started this but she goes yeah mariah i am sorry if we disrespected your home with our fight

and jackie goes now true intelligence is knowing when not to speak okay thanks for that Jackie out of nowhere like glad you had some glad you got a line in there and Tori goes well Mariah Mariah be like that because Mariah could tell me the truth and Mariah's like but we did also have a fist

fight yeah now Quad what is happening with quad's hairline okay i don't know i mean is it well i mean mariah did mention that her wig should have been down another inch and i think she's right it is really crazy as they say she's got no edges covering well she does though she's got i mean that's is what it is, was it? Maybe no top edges. I don't know.

I don't know these things. Because I learned. I'm out of my depth. I learned from The Bachelor what a lace front is, where it's like, it looks like what Kwan had. They call it like a lace front. I guess they put something made out of lace, like glue it or something onto your head head and then that's what all the other hair the other fake hair can stem from I mean girl I don't know but Mariah

I mean Kwan she takes so long to get ready and by the way welcome to our inaugural segment two white dudes talk about black women's hair it has to happen every season but you know what the only way you learn is by asking questions man thank you you know what you're right uh so someone please tell us because we're we're white and we're men i didn't learn about lace fronts on my goddamn own okay i didn't know about edges until claudia jordan told nini that she had no edges and i I was like, Oh, meaning that like, she had lived like a blurry life.

Yeah. We thought she was saying she's boring. Yeah. Like, you know, you idiots. I was like, what?

Oh God. I don't know. But Mariah takes, I mean, a quad takes so long to get ready. You would think that she would check her damn hairline. I mean, it was embarrassing.

So Mariah's like, now, moving on to why we came here. Starting over. I got this cake, and there's strings on it. And when you pull a string, it's going to have a virtue on it. And she stands up with the cake, and the strings get caught on something, and they all pull out. Yeah. Which is so fitting for this show. It show like none of you have any virtue the chandelier has all the virtues and everyone else has nothing she's like well looks like justin won everything thank you butler justin

uh i never heard of that before a pool cake cake. It's some sort of fun. It sounds like a gay bar. Yeah. Well, at first I thought she said a pool cake. Like it was a cake that was like made of like some sort of had something to do with pools. Better get you some chlorine. I just like making Mariah's face. I wish sometimes this was video so you could see my Popeye face that I make whenever I talk like Mariah. Mariah is quite funny. So anyway, with the disaster the pool

cake you know the dinner sort of came to an end and um then we went on to the next next business was simone was at one of her homes and her cousin came by and we learned that simone's dad is missing or is yeah like he hasn't been returning phone calls or text messages which is sort of a strange left turn for this show to make but so simone's dad is missing i honestly do not care i was actually no offense i mean i was glad for this i can't watch her cry over her alcoholic dad who she cut off four years ago i can't we did it all last year can't do it anymore love you simone i need you to just go yell at people and stop this nonsense yeah i can't we did it all last year can't do it anymore love you simone i need to just go yell at people and stop this nonsense yeah i can't but yell at yell at anyone we don't care anyway you

can do it we know you literally anybody about anything i don't care but i do not care about your stupid alcoholic dad that you cut off four years ago okay i don't care although i am grateful for these scenes because i got to prep my whole dinner. I mean, when it came to these scenes, I just got up and cut my vegetables. I ended up cooking between commercial breaks and these Simone scenes. I got my dinner cooked, and it was delicious. Thank you. What did you make?

I made chicken with it's not sweet potato, but it's that other pink pinkish vegetable. But that was chopped up with some kale and mushrooms and onion and green apple slaw oh that's nice i am fancy today i use the simone scenes to heat up my dinner and then to eat it um so i heat up something i made last night which was butternut squash with butternut squash. That's what I'm talking about. Oh.

There you go. So I made butternut squash. There's something about this show that brought out the squash in us. Butternut squash with – I roasted butternut squash and red onions. And then I put like a tahini sauce on it inspired by the Oceangue recipe. And then some parsley and za'atar. And then some pomegranates and then I also made some ground beef and I seasoned it with like allspice

and cinnamon and sumac so it was very sort of like middle eastern-ish and I mixed it all together and added a little bit of yogurt. It was delicious. Well guess what? Last night I made salmon with tahini mushroom and broccoli. We both what the hell tahini i mean

how often does that happen tahini to butternut squash i mean come on seriously we are meant we are like two peas in a pod you know tahini works well with salmon it works right i was surprised yeah because rick bayless actually has a recipe in his cookbook, Everyday Mexican, where it's – I forget the name of the recipe. But basically it's sort of like using salsa verde. You cook the salmon in the salsa verde. But the salsa verde, before you put the salmon in, you actually add tahini to it. So it becomes – and you like – and some broth and you sort of like cook it down. A white person would do that.

Rick Bayless. No, listen. I'm telling you the salsa verde with tahini in it is like a shocking revelation it is amazing really because i'm furious at rick bayless right now because of that because i love my mexican food you don't try it in that try no well so actually because the recipe normally is made with like like nuts or something like that it's like some sort of like traditional thing with nuts and it's like a shortcut like okay just put tahini instead

you get that nutty flavor it's really good okay okay i'm gonna angrily try that out please do please do and then i'm gonna come over dress like an inspector like quad and grill you about it that was so good so she shows up at toyah's house in this white suit she's like hello toyah i am from the irs my name is miss leslie abramson chauncey the Third. I was like, okay, Quad, just come in. Oh, my goodness. Quad, this is like her moment to show her craft as an actress. Because we have to mention the fact that Toya and Eugene still have their old house. No wonder why they're in the hole with the IRS.

They are sitting on two properties that they probably can barely even afford. Yes, they're paying for one, and then they're paying for this mansion rental, her rent to own. I mean, it's so bizarre. And then Toya's like, well, well, Jim forgot that someone knocked on the door next door. I'm like, your neighborhood looks perfectly nice. You know, sometimes crimes happen.

Like, either sell the house, or like, or stop the rental, but this is ridiculous no mad md is not going to cover two houses and toy is trying the whole i'm glad that quad brought up theresa later because yeah toya really is trying the whole theresa thing she's like well i just let him do all the badly things like the paperwork because you know like i would have paid attention if i had to girl i'm like you are the reason you're broke okay you're the one who has to spend a zillion dollars on every little thing you've always

for the three or four years that we've seen you you've done it in every episode this is all your fault stop acting like you some victim exactly and if you are going to spend that money don't spend it on shitty things like that doily top that you were wearing i mean that was ridiculous it had first of all like little fins on it on the sides and it was pure just doily she was wearing a doily she looked absolutely ridiculous yeah i loved it i love quad getting all righteous about it she's like ain't no way in hell i'm going to owe uncle sam 170 000 and i'm somewhere shopping when she was saying this girl doesn't understand the power of the dollar does work she does right what does she do is she i think she was in medical sales

in season one she was she was selling like a medical sale medical equipment or things like that in my mind i was like is quad having like a puppy a pupsups in Paris parade in her mind right now? It's like her autobiography. She's like, she does not understand what Pups in Paris can do to a woman trying to get a dollar. Well, so Quad and Toya were shopping. This is when Quad gets so outraged that she later has to show up dressed as an inspector accountant. And so Toyaya they're they're rehashing the dinner from the top of the top of the show and toya is getting all mad at lisa nicole again and i just loved it she again pulls up the gay thing she's like i got some real shit

for you your husband was gay when yesterday all day yesterday all day yesterday all day and all day tonight too and quad is like that's lovely toya now heavenly you gotta stop dropping the bitch the bitch of all the things these women call each other it cracks me up that the worst thing is bitch i mean these ladies rip into each other like no other show, and they're worried about the bitch. I mean, come on now. Yeah. I do also like that Heavenly's go-to insult

is just going, Yo mama! Yo mama! And Heavenly goes, Well, sometimes if people say the wrong things, I lay into the mama. Sorry, it's just your go-to your mama um uh there was also um prior to this there was also a really sad scene with dr jackie and a patient named amber who has breast cancer that spread to her liver and she stopped chemo it was really really sad and it made it

made me think of daisy from uh blood sweat and tears i got really sad when i watched that scene yeah that was really sad and then the next scene with uh with dr jackie wasn't much happier the next one was with her and her husband because their thing this year is i want a city life and he wants a country life and uh so they're going to see a uh they're going to see like a condo in the city and janiece is their real estate lady and she's really giving quad a run for her money yeah the speech giving department she's like welcome to the condo the sunrise is there and it's that's in the west and you can see them both it's like jesus christ you and quad should open a damn church

and Dr. Jackie's husband is like I don't like the sink oh okay never mind he's kind of a dick though he's like well I have a large family and we need a bigger sink and Jackie goes who's this large family you're talking about and he goes

well you wouldn't know whoa what the hell it's a large family you're talking about and he goes well you wouldn't know whoa what the hell it's a large family of people that all want to do dishes all at the same time well did you notice that this show got really artistic because she sat down and she was mad she was doing her like i'm quietly and classily angry at you sir and so she sat down and she was flipping through pages of uh some rental whatever she's flipping the pages but they made the music match the flips oh i did not notice that it's like very nice very nice music department wow yeah music supervisor well done um

so meanwhile also uh lisa and darren Darren meet for lunch, Dr. Darren. And first of all, the Brillo pad on his chin has to go like that's first, like before we get to babies, before we address any sexual orientations. One thing that we can take care of is the Brillo pad. That just it's just it's terrible. That is not cute. Can you remind me of something? Was Darren cute? He was. you know what?

He's sort of like one of these guys who is supposed to be much cuter than he is. The first time he showed up, it's like, oh, he's sort of cute. But then the more you look at him, you're like, he's really not that cute. He just sort of carries himself in a cute way. But he's really not. I think maybe because we know him now and he's just an ass. He's certainly no Todd from Washington, D.C. Rawr.

Lobby worker. Lobby. So, yeah, they had this lunch where they're like, we're happy. It was kind of like the David and Shannon thing. But it was with them instead, like with two completely not entertaining people doing it instead. Exactly. And he's like, yeah. So.

So today we had a guy who came in put gasoline on his face and he had uh second or third degree burns and it was terrible and he's gonna probably lose all his eyeballs and you're gonna have to medivac him off and his skin was melting off with a smile on his face like it's a hilarious story i mean and she's like and she's like it's so sexy to see you i mean yes it's a step up from all the loose fingers that the doctor from Marriage Medicine Houston talks about. But she's like, that's so hot, Baron. He's like, it literally was because he has third degree burns. I had to fly him to a burn center.

Wow. So she's like, so do you want another baby? And he's like, well, yes, I want another baby. And she's like, you're not just saying that. He's like, no, of course not. another baby. And she's like, you're not just saying that. He's like, no, of course not. As then he takes a giant gulp of beer. Yeah, he was lying straight to her face while he suddenly a chicken wing has like 30 bites in it. But the lady said that you said something to the guys about not wanting a baby.

And it cuts to him telling the guys look i've already got two kids i'm happy i'm not gonna try and be that 60 year old you know sending someone off to college and then they cut back to her he's like i never said anything nibble nibble nibble nibble nibble on this one wing she's like are you sure and then they show it again the exact same clip and he's like nope never said anything no no no no no no no no no no no no and then he and then he like introduces this very bizarre logic where he's like well you know if uh if you don't want to have another baby then you either get a hysterectomy or a vasectomy um but if you don't do that then that means you want another baby so we haven't done it so obviously we want another

baby i was like no no no that doesn't that's not how that works. It's not like if you haven't gotten a hysterectomy or a vasectomy that then there's like an implicit acquiescence to baby making. So, first of all, A, that's gross. B, you're not convincing me. C, you're a doctor, and how dare you promote, like, the idea that, like, pulling out is going to, like, prevent people from having babies. Well, Darren's not the brightest bulb on the tree. I mean, I don't care if you're a doctor. That guy does not come off as a very bright person. Is he a surgeon?

Like, what kind of doctor is he? He said he's a clinician. Either way, I mean, he might as well have just been like, just been like yes no we're having we have sex all the time i am putting it into her i am my semen is all in her uterus right now and i put my penis in her vagina we have sex all the time yes girl like you know that's what's going on inside. I was taking it as him saying, look, we'll keep having sex. I'll keep not pulling out. And if we get pregnant, we get pregnant. And if we don't, we don't. And if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

And if it's not, it's not. And then she's like, great, we need to get your sperm tested and then get my ex frozen in. I was like, oh, wait. I don't think that's what he was saying. I think he's saying if it happens naturally. And then their next scene is on the way to the masturbatorium as they call it and he's like uh she goes would you like me to come in there with you and help you honey and he's like uh no i know how to do it myself thanks she's like i could touch it and poke it i could hug it i could ask it what

it's like for the next week like no thanks and then he goes in without her and leaves her in the car i mean what is she like a stray dog who does that i i just i love the terror in his eyes when he when he realized that he may have to masturbate in her presence like oh he's like this is not going up anytime soon. That was totally an adult bookstore. There was no other. I think it was Dr. Jackie's office. It looked like Dr. Jackie's office. I would like to think it's a video, adult video store.

And he went in there and jerked off into some guy's mouth named Pablo or something and left his damn deposit. And that's the end of that. Pablo. I'm coughing now um so then we have uh then we go to toya and mariah having drinks and i love like they're you know mariah's sitting at the bar of some like mexican place and it's empty and toya comes in like oh so you have the place to open up for us and mariah's like yes honey i got connections honey and it's like you're on a tv show you have producers that called ahead and said can we shoot during this afternoon yes i'm trying to look what restaurant they were at because i was laughing so oh it's cafe istanbul in a strip mall oh i

thought it was a mexican restaurant never mind it's cafe istanbul she's like yes honey i'm all over the world honey i got connections connections at Cafe Istanbul in the mall. You don't even want to see me at the Sparrows, honey. They treat me like royalty. So they basically became friends again instantly. And Torian made the mistake of telling Mariah about her damn taxes, which I guess that was smart because Mariah is going to know anyway. Everybody knows. But then she starts her whole like, her damn taxes which i guess i was smart because maria's gonna know anyway everybody knows yeah

but then she starts her whole like well i just left it up to ujib and he gave the power of attorney to our accountant and then we got this 10 grand bill and then we got a 10 grand there and then there was another 10 grand here and another 10 grand there uh weren't last season weren't you talking about being the bookkeeper for his business? Exactly. Come on now. Yeah, we all know that business is really where all that money has gone to. But I did like, you know, Mariah was like, oh, it looks like we're going to be friends again.

Although, from here on out, I may have to pick up the checks. Heavenly and Allura. I love Allura. Yeah, Allura's great. Allura has not changed at all. She looks the exact same. It's like no time has passed. Well, it's weird because she looks like a little adult, but she's like a kid.

She looks like a little child adult. Yeah. Because she's sitting there talking like an adult. Her face actually looks like an adult face, but she's got a body of a little girl and she's clutching a little dolly. Made no sense to me. I was like, is this some sort of internet meme, like a talking baby? She is so cute. And Heavenly's like, baby, some of my friends say I can be a bit abrasive.

And she goes, I wouldn't disagree, mother. I'm like, wow, she knows what abrasive and she goes i wouldn't disagree mother i'm like well she knows what abrasive is she goes you think i'm mean and she goes yes would you like me to act like you for a day she goes okay she goes girl is that your stomach what you eat a parade Allura for the win. And she wants to be a singer now, not a fashion designer. And she sang a few notes of Happy Birthday. And you know what? I think she's on her way. It wasn't bad.

I mean, it's not great. But there's definitely potential in there. I was like, good for you, Allura. She even sings. Even when she sings, she positions herself like an older lady. She clasps her hands. And she puts them right under her diaphragm, like she's pushing in. And she just gets this really serious look on her face, like, ooh! That girl's going to be a really good soprano and church singer.

I see it coming. She will be. I think Allura has a future. So, let's see. Now is the Quad and Toya. Yeah. The Quad and Toya thing where Quad pretended to be an IRS lady. She was like role playing and she just sort of – my favorite part is that Quad's version of dressing up like an IRS agent is putting on a white pantsuit and then having her boobs just like pouring out of it.

I was like this is maybe like the Cinemax version. I don't get it. I'm real sexy. That's the IRS, baby. You can't call the IRS without a pine cone in your breasts. What? She came over with a gift basket for Toria to teach her how to save her money. And it had top ramen in it and hot dogs.

And Toria's like you got the label Franks in there she's like yes you even want the labels on your Franks like she's going off on Toria and Toria's like the real scary part here is she don't think I got hot dogs and Top Ramen already

I'm black I miss that that's hilarious that's so funny so let's see I'm black. I miss that. That's hilarious. So funny. So let's see. Simone and Jackie. Another downer ending on a Sunday night. What the hell, Bravo?

Jesus. Tough. Yeah, it's more of a, it's more like Simone can't find her dad. And so then she's like, I'm going to go to Nashville. And Jackie's like, sign me up just don't make me eat any food on the road i will be putting a cooler full of fruits and vegetables in your trunk um so they're gonna go on like a little like investigation which again feels very like not keystone cops but like it feels very much like like one of those movies from the 80s like because they're quasi to come with them it's to be like three ladies hunting around

nashville for a man quad monica mars i just i hope they don't turn this into like the group trip you know like group champs like fighting while they're putting up flyers yeah we're going to every halfway house in nashville oh god i love her husband he's like it's gonna be great you're gonna go there you're gonna put up flyers sounds great yeah she just starts to cry he's like think positively she's like i can't i'm going to nash Nashville to put up flyers. So many other things I want to be doing. Where are they going to find her father? Because you know they're going to find her.

Where do you think he's going to be? He'll just, you know, he'll just be at the local bar hanging out. I hope so. He'll be at Bennigan's. He'll be at Bennigan's. Oh, man. Well, this show, thanks for depressing us at the very end but it's still a fun show it is still a fun show it just uh for me it's just it's well you know i mean there last

week i complained that nothing real happens and here the woman's dad has gone missing so that's real um it is it is entertaining it's just sometimes i feel like i need i need some more time to get roped in i'm not roped in just yet for this season but i'll get there i'll get there well you've got plenty of time being i certainly do everybody thank you so much for being with us go to watch what crappens.com for all our links patreon.com slash watch what crappens for our bonus episodes and subscriber extras and ofppins.com for all our links. Patreon.com slash WatchWhatCrappins for our bonus episodes and subscriber extras. And, of course, Facebook.com slash WatchWhatCrappins to talk to us and other listeners about all this crap on the Bravo. We love you guys.

Happy Thanksgiving. We will see you tomorrow. Tomorrow. With our regularly scheduled Real Housewives of Orange County and Vanderpump Rules episode. And our bonus episode covering Marriage Medicine Houston, which I have very different feelings about than Marriage Medicine Classic. So we will see you then, turkeys. Bye. Bye. Hey Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today.

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