Watch What Crappens - #352: The Crumb

Episode Date: December 7, 2016

James makes us hungry for really cheap cake on Vanderpump Rules, Top Chef returns, and Sheree may or may not be struggling with a bug spray addiction on Real Housewives of Atlanta. Enjoy! Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Timestamps: 0 Crappens Mailbag and Clear the Ramona 30:43 Vanderpump Rules 1:35:00 Top Chef Charleston begins 1:57:27 RHOA See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappins would like to thank our gorgeous sugar mama, Christy Doherty. We love you, baby. Watch what happens. Watch what happens.

Guess what happens when there's so much that happens. Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Ye Olde Brav. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV and the Rose Pricks Bachelor podcast. And here I am with the gorgeous Ben Mandelkot, darling. Happy birthday. Thank you so much. And thank you to all the listeners who bid me such nice birthday wishes on our Facebook page.

That was so lovely. And I have to say, our Facebook page, you know what? Like, since our last last episode there has there's been like a a wide range of emotions on our facebook page uh on on the on the positive side no negative but on like the happy side it's you know the the birthday wishes i got from everyone were so wonderful like it really i mean like it's it's amazing like i like i honestly like i'm so grateful for everyone but the other thing which we post on our facebook page um uh which is more it's sadder but i feel like also there's something like really wonderful about it too

um about the crappens family um for those of you who who were on our Facebook page have seen this. I was poking through our Patreon, our Patreon account. And one thing that happens is that, you know, when, you know, when people decide they don't want to support anymore or whatever, for any variety of reason, Patreon gives them a chance to give like an exit interview to say, listen, like they weren't doing, they, I didn't, I couldn't support them anymore because I, my financial situation changed or they weren't really doing what I wanted to do, yada, yada.

And that's good for us. That's good because we know like we got to like up our game, et cetera. But one of the exit exit things said it was from someone who said it was a woman named Kate. And basically we learned that Kate had lung cancer and she she passed away. But she listened to our podcast up until up until the end. And it gave her some happiness. And it was so touching. And, you know, Kate, wherever you are, rest in peace.

So it was really like really caught me off guard. And I felt compelled to share that on our facebook page and then the outpouring of love and support from our facebook uh page uh uh people people who were who were on the page supporting it um was so above and beyond and the stories that people were sharing about how the podcasts helped them through tough times through things like death and disease and, you know, tragedy, whatever it was, it really, it caught me off guard. I'm sure it caught you off guard to Ronnie, it was really like, we're just sitting here being assholes on a podcast, and we're thinking nothing of it. And it's like a huge compliment to us that you that everyone's saying that. And we just want to I just want to say, you know, like it's really humbling.

And we're really we really are honored to, like, play any sort of role. I also thank you guys because you play the same role to us. I mean, Jesus Christ, it's been five years and lots of bad shit has happened. And you just get over and come talk here. And it has saved me in a lot of ways so thank you guys yeah no absolutely i mean where where we were five years ago i mean where i was i mean thankfully i was not in you know like a super dark place or anything but i was in a place where i was like like i was looking at every single penny

that was coming in like like i you know if was going to like be spending money on like a, you know, like at the supermarket, I was looking like, do I want to spend an extra 30 cents on this one or not? Like, you know, things like that may not have been in a dark place, but you were in a dark lift. I was, you know, I was driving Uber and everything and and and you know this podcast has has allowed me to um you know it it's it allowed me to get my career like back where where you know my writing career back where on track and everything and and but it's it's not really about it's not about about us it's it's really just like it's a it's just kind of one of those moments it was like amazing that we have this this this big extended crappins family now supporting each other and helping each other through these tough times that we encounter from varying degrees. And we're really appreciative of all you guys.

Yeah, we love you guys. Yay. And now the spiel after that sweet thing. If you want to go to the Facebook, it's like Barrel of Monkeys over there, guys. I know. I know. I know, I'm just playing with you. I wanted to follow the lead of Ladies of London, which is like, we're back for season three.

Marissa could die. Marissa could die. This one's almost divorced, and this one has to run a hotel. I can bleed out. I can bleed out. I can bleed out. And crumbs. Oh, crumbs. If you guys want to find crumbs, oh crumbs. If you guys want to

find our Facebook, just look for Watch What Crappens. It's facebook.com slash watch what crappens. If you want bonus stuff, like our bonus episode, Google Hangouts and all that, go over to patreon.com slash watch what crappens. And you can find all those links on our website,

which is just watchwhatcra crappins dot com. That's where all our personal links and stuff are. Let's get on with this show, Ben. I mean, let's let us let us let's get get on with the show. You know, last week we went into the crappins mailbag with the intention of reading all these questions. And instead, we only read one question so let's go back into the mailbag and and and finish old business shall we not let's do our being oh my gosh i just opened the mailbag. And look, here's some birthday wishes.

Hey, we want to say, speaking of our crappens family, sorry, I had this on my Vanderpump notes, which is why I'm getting it out of the way now. Or bringing it up only now. But Cat Moss, we love you so much. Siobhan O'Brien, we love you. We love both you betches. You've been here the entire time. You know, hooray happy birthday totally different you cannot my love is my love is the same for you against each other make them earn it

today we're doing super fat between listeners who would win between cat moss and siobhan cat moss is armed with a shotgun that shoots shotguns and Siobhan is nine feet tall shotgun that shoots shotguns also happy marriage week I literally have the super fight ready to go just like that also happy marriage week to Sarah Wrighty atta girl

fandom man golden pin Dan you go girl lock it down okay what's in that mailbag, Bean? Well, I mean, we only have a few more questions left. Benjamin Cohen being so patient because he asked this question on November 7th. And look, we snuck in right under the one-month mark.

But we had a lot of questions in the mailbag. And there was Thanksgiving and, you know, Boo and Maz. So, ever since Shannon Bedore conspired to embarrass Kelly Dodd at the 70s party, I have been hungry for a WikiLeaks style dump of text messages for all cast members this season. Have you guys had the same thought about any other Bravo show? How amazing would it be to see Bethany's negotiations with producers over break the Tom over breaking the Tom news on a Wednesday at the Regency? I mean, that was my first thought. I mean, when you said, wouldn't it be great to see WikiLeaks of other shows?

My first thought was Bethany Frankel. Bethany Frankel is one of those girls in the WikiLeaks that no one can pin anything on because they only answer in one word. And I love some WikiLeaks. But they're like, why can't we throw Hillary in jail? Because all Hillary says in her emails, she'll be like, yes, ha-ha. Or, thank you.

Bethany's just like, what's the matter? What's the matter? They'll be like, here's five pages of emails from Afghanistan, the Bank of Ethiopian, you know, roller skates or whatever. And it's like 20 pages. And then she'll be like, got it. Thank you. I think Bethany would actually break wikileaks wikileaks there would be like one email they'll be like hey bethany do you want italian tonight or chinese and then it would just be like 34 pages

of response like chinese like chinese like why would i want chinese like that's just like that's just like oil they're just like oil and grease and like fried like like italians like carbs like i don't know if i want carbs like I'm like, what do I want Italian? Because I'm Italian? I sound Italian. I'm like New Yorker. Honestly, I can't. It's like too many cuisines. Honestly, just give me some red sauce. Honestly, the red sauce could be my blood. Honestly, cut my brains and let me bleed

out and turn it into a sauce, and that would be my Italian meal. Honestly, I can't. They're like, oh my God. She would save our government money because Julian Assange would just hang himself from the damn balcony. They wouldn't even have to be trying to go get his ass from ecu or the ecuadorian embassy anymore he'd just be like i'm done i can't take i can't take anymore these leaks have killed my brain well they could never hack into her email anyway because my firewalls are up my firewalls are up if i have to literally if i have to put any

more security in my emails i'm going to be on the floor crying like literally we don't just take my emails just take them all like literally i can't it's like too much like like i'll say like what's the matter like it's too many emails like i can't like a little much like a server like you know what i want i want a waiter i don't want a server okay like why can't i say wait a minute more like political correctness like i can't russia doesn't even have to hack anything because we already all know her email it's like skinny girl too putin's got like all these like skinny girl bottles he's like honestly he's like i'm done with this bitch like she just keeps sending me too many things to promote in russia all right all right but you know if you go to kremlin like you gotta put skinny girl up okay

like i'm sorry like you put in red square like okay like what's my color okay like you know what you are your cheetah brand you know what your red square okay i have a red square okay it's called my bottle okay you know what you are? You're a cheater brand. You know what? You're Red Square? Okay, I have Red Square. Okay, it's called my bottle. Okay, like, honestly, I'm a cheater brand. You're a cheater country. I'd rather have Dorinda WikiLeaks because, you know, sometimes they'd be like, hey, it's different. It'd be like a paperless post of something really nice. And then the next one would be all misspelled and all caps when she's fucked up.

Like, I'm a nice, goddammit. I once met a woman, like, years ago i forget her name maybe her name was like doris or mabel or something like that she was old like she's probably like in late 50s early 60s blonde and super tan like this new york type and she told a story i was like at my friend's swimming pool and she was there and she told a story and when you said that right now her story is exactly how i imagined dorinda responding to wiki leaks because this woman said you know this was like year 2000 so email was still kind of like people were learning about it and she received a spam email and she's like so i got a spam i got this email and they said that they were going to send me you know put me on a list for something or another.

So I wrote back and I said, I don't know who you are, but don't you dare email me ever again. You got it. Don't you dare do that. And I was like, you realize you've just confirmed that you're a real person to them. But that's how I imagined.

Hey, it's like putting in her Google name and password. Here's my name and password, and you better be damn sure that if you use it, I'm coming after you. I made it nice. My friend got one of those ones. She got the Nigerian one where they're like, someone has died with your last name in British Columbia. And if you give us your bank account number we'll send you all of their inheritance or whatever and she's like do you think it's real i was like your last name is

mendez it's like you really think there is only one of those in the entire country come on i just imagined dorinda like again dorinda would also end wikileaks because she would find them and she's like hey hey you get out of my email right now. That's not what a friend does. You know, I made it nice. I was good to you. I was good to your emails. She'd be one of those people.

You get an email and it's like, forward. I am the person my friends want. But no one ever sends me an email. If you're really my friend, send an email back five times and tell me you're my friend. Shut up. You know, it's a very sweet thing,

being a Nigerian prince and reaching out to people. It was very sweet. He's a caring man. I had to help him. I actually imagine a lot of Dorinda's emails are just random letters. Because you know that she has so many times gotten mad about something while she's been on a laptop. And she's whoever she's talking to. She goes, hey, hey.

And when she does that, she puts her elbow down right on her computer keyboard and just sends. She just sends emails of whatever her elbow is hitting at that moment while she's pointing at someone. If you ever did a word search in her WikiLeaks, you you'd have to do everything you'd have to do like asterisk i don't know why that was so funny to me hey searching nonsense you want to say something you know what you want a sandwich sometimes you gotta if you want a sandwich you gotta ask for what was that you don't want to have a sandwich i can't remember all our dorinda lines there's so many of them i'm all i know is all i can think of all i can recall right now is i made it nice it's like i gotta make a special access request into my real houses of new york city archive in the brain that's totally gonna be her gravestone like that's all you need to know about Dorinda. Dorinda, I made it nice.

I made it nice. Nina says, Nina, am I right? Nina Simone, I love you. One of our big Patreon supporters is Nina Simone. No, Nina Thijs. I hope I'm saying your name right. She says, what's your real opinion on Jacqueline setting up Teresa and calling the government's on her?

And by the way, Daffy1227 chimes in and says, if she did, good job. Teresa and Joe needs be punished. However, why should Teresa be the center of Jackie's life? She has better stuff to do. Well, I won't go too far on this because I already did it in the final Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion number 19 or however it felt recap. But they they were someone was posting a bunch of screenshots of Kim Granatel way back in the day, which is when this was all happening. It was like 2011 time flies. But she was posting all these tweets saying, yeah, well, I know Monica Chacon.

She's one of my best friends and she's's prosecuting Teresa, and she will bring her down. And thankfully, I speak with Jacqueline every day, who gives me information. Like, once they post a tweet, you're like, oh, yeah, she did. Okay. That actually makes sense. Now, when you say call the government, Teresa's like, you called the government. Which I don't think anybody really knows what that means. But, yes, I think that she probably had something to do with it.

But at the end of the day, I mean, they're going to prosecute people who are criminals. And they tried letting Teresa go literally like five times. And she kept lying. Yeah, exactly. They're just all idiots. They're all idiots. They shuffled down a bunch of staircases. And I would be happy if Jacqueline was never invited back onto the Real Housewives of New Jersey because I don't think she's interesting.

I think she just whines. She may have had something to do with it. I don't know. I don't care. At the end of the day, Teresa and Joe had a lot of chances to get out of jail for free. And instead, they just dug themselves into a larger hole. So you know what? Karma's a bit done.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I mean, look, they're out of jail. Well, she is. She's out of jail. They still have the same damn mansion they could never pay for in the first place. She got a new car the day she got back from jail. And they do nothing but drop money that no one understands the origin of.

So I hope it happens again and we get a sequel. Because one of my favorite things was when Teresa got her jail spinoff. And really all they showed was melania shaving joe's back and theresa calling from jail and joe wouldn't even fuck her on the phone she's like you want to have phone sex he's like no yeah he's like i'm gonna watch uh sabotage kitchen and whatever i love that he can emotionally abuse her even from the couch. I mean, that shows his talent. I know. Last question from Michael Horn.

He says, I know this is my second post in the mailbag, but this is important. Will you guys please do a clear the phlegm for Ramona's Instagram? I've been looking at it for about 15 minutes now and cracking up. I would love to do that. Thanks for the warning, okay? Thanks for the warning, okay? How lucky are you to have me

teach you about me? You are the flame. It's a special clear the phlegm from inside the mailbag with Ramona. Ramona Singer? Is that the... I think we're just looking at Ramona's oh my god i can't believe my name is even available i put instagram and i put ramona singer and it came up hey

whoa that's crazy so ramona her instagram she doesn't really um she doesn't go on and on the way carolyn fleming does and yet the more you look at her stuff, I agree. It does somehow just get funnier and funnier. And what a perfect day to do it because it's Ramona. The first picture is Ramona and Caroline, head bitch Caroline, Caroline Stanbury, and her gay Luke Luke and Dorinda and Juliet. I mean, I think that's Juliet. I don't know. Is that Juliet?

It's kind of like the most perfect picture of all time. It's a great crossover episode between Ladies of London and Real Housewives of New York City. And that's all I could ask for in life. She would fight so hard with Caroline. Yeah. With Queen Caroline. Why won't this open? i'm trying to open it but it won't even open okay ladies of london i'm at bravo tv at julia at julie tangas at caroline

stampery that's it there's a picture of her from uh late october where she is uh standing in the bathroom with like a towel over her hair like she's just she's just washed although she's wearing earrings and she's showing a little bit of leg she's taking a selfie and she goes sometimes a hashtag girl just has to stay in that's it it's like a very simple observation she's wearing wait she's in bed i think at a hotel no it's at home because there's like a little porcelain swan at the beds like that would only be in ramona's house so it's obviously her house it's like look at this one it's looking up like what um but she's in bed and she's like what

what i keep saying what and they're like what what like here's some bread you fat idiot okay she just suddenly unleashes it like out of nowhere all the rage from mario just gets unleashed on this one you stupid fat idiot at least you didn't have to find out that your bread was wet from page six reading a magazine but it's in like um uh bedspread like if you buy a bedspread you know the plastic things you unzip them like the packaging yes it's in that so it doesn't get rain on it but she's inside in bed it's so it's so stupid she just My spotlight's not working right now. I'm sorry. The rain's coming in. You know who's stupid?

If you throw stones, you better make sure you're not a glass house with stones on them. Like, it's me who's stupid because she's lying in bed reading the back of a sheet. She just unpacked the sheets and she's reading the back, which is actually even better. She's like, I'm going to be in bed reading the back which is actually even better she's like i'm gonna be in bed reading the back of the sheet packaging okay i'm sorry i'm sorry but i need a comforter right now okay i need a comforter because at least i didn't have to learn about comforters from page six okay i'm so stupid and she's like rainy day surprises for my friend, comma, more cozy nights in bed, no period. And then it says, at always perfect sheet from at bed, bath, and pee.

No. Always perfect sheet? Are you serious? Yeah, do you have that? That's my cousin's sheet. Oh, my God. Full circle. My cousin Perry made the always perfect sheet.

That's crazy. Oh, my God. You should at cousin perry do you see where she's laying in bed at him i'm gonna i'm gonna message her and be like your sheets came up on my podcast she already knows i mean i'm sure cousin perry runs the damn instagram account i mean how many people do they have to run the instagram at always perfect sheet she's like we know we've been getting the instas okay this is crazy cousin send me a sheet and now i'm reading about it on a rainy day okay here's where the ramona crazy

comes in as if reading the back of a sheet wasn't good enough okay here's where her great she doesn't hashtag everything like caroline but she comments all the time on her own. Here are the comments. From Ramona Singer. At Always Perfect Sheet. Love them. Great gift too. Thumb up emoji.

Ramona Singer. At Snooba 09. You must get these at Always Perfect Sheet. The flat sheet is partially fitted. Genius idea. No period. Ramona Singer. At Donna Dolce 1. The special part of this is the flat sheet.

It's partially fitted at Always Perfect Feet. Genius. Ramona, this is consolidate, Tommy. You know what's perfect? This sheet, okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know why I like this sheet? It reminds me of sunshine. Too bad it's? This sheet, okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know why I like this sheet?

It reminds me of sunshine. Too bad it's a rainy day, okay? It's perfectly fitted, just like everything Luan wears. Luan wouldn't even know what to do with this sheet, okay? You know what her sheets are? They're called imperfect sheets. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

They're imperfect. Hey, Luan. I can't hear her square laugh. She's laugh she's like hey luann how come you're only partially fitted i love the idea of ramona taunting luann about her sheets i'm sorry i'm sorry whoa this is crazy this one time when i was a little girl i once said hey let me put a flat sheet on my bed and geraldine parsonsmith said hey let's put a flat sheet on my bed. And Geraldine Parsons Smith said, hey, let's put a flat sheet around your face because it's ugly. And to this day, I can't put my face under the sheets, okay? I'm sorry.

Then my dad tried to strangle me with a partially fitted sheet. Thank God I could get loose. Because you never want to rely on a man to strangle you with a fitted sheet, okay? Oh, Ramona.ona oh my goodness she does like a meme too hers this one is like the background of the meme is it looks like a t-mobile ad where everybody's like it's a party it's 20 roads partying like you're a cell phone but anyway that's the background and then it says just be yourself let people see the real imperfect flawed quirky weird beautiful magic person that you are okay mandy hale from team john legaro of team mobile um i i found another photo i i'm debating between two photos just to tell you guys about

there's one where ramona is like sitting on like a little bench thing and her little her dog is next to her and she's wearing all black with this oversized choker and a giant piece of chunky jewelry and she goes too dressed up to take coco for a walk but i do love my new jewelry thanks lauren fine jewelry ramona she's just like a kyle she gets everything for free at all times yeah basically and you know when she doesn't like this one she's just having breakfast you know it's like a half a salad and a giant coffee i'm like thanks for the pic ramona but it says ramona singa. Hashtag healthy. Hashtag breakfast. After my morning. Hashtag workout.

Like, oh, I guess that wasn't free. There's one where she's just in the mirror touching her cheek, I believe. Yeah, she's just in the bathroom. She's touching her cheek. And the caption just goes, running late. Nothing like a guest showing up late and then you see their Instagram in the bathroom, Instagramming about how late they're about to be to your dinner party. Okay, well, why don't we, we have a lot to discuss today,

so why don't we close up the special Clear the Flam and close up the mailbag. Clear the Flam. We have two things to play. We had two jingles to play back to back. Both the spitting the flam and the lamb sounded good. It was sippy. You know, Ronnie,

if you were to buy my cousin's uh sheet which i hear is perfect you know it'd go really well on i don't know but i hope it's always perfect not just sometimes perfect is it partially fitted or fully fitted well this is crazy the other day i was thinking you know what i don't know if today will be a perfect day for that sheet and then i got home and i was like, it's perfect. In fact, it's always perfect. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's always perfect. You know what's always perfect too? Casper. Casper is a sleep brand that created one perfect mattress sold directly to consumers, eliminating commission-driven inflated prices. Its award-winning sleep surface was developed in-house. It has a sleek design and is delivered in a small, how did they do that, sized box, which you can read the back of while you're lying around taking a nap. In addition to the mattress, Casper also offers an adaptive pillow and soft, breathable sheets.

pillow, and soft breathable sheets. Eh? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but the mattress industry has forced consumers into paying notoriously high markups. Casper's revolutionizing the mattress industry by cutting the cost of dealing with resellers and showrooms and passing that savings directly to the consumer, like Luanne, who's having a wedding soon

and needs to save her money, okay? Oh, girls, can you believe it? I'm getting married. An in-house team in Tom's house, which I'll be when we're married. An in-house team of engineers spent thousands of hours developing the Casper. It combines springy latex and supportive memory foam, almost as supportive as Tom. For a sleep service, it's just got the right sink and just the right bounce. Plus, its breathable design

sleeps cool to help you regulate your temperature through the night, which you'll need if you're an old woman like Carol. Consider it your young 20-year-old date that used to be paid by me to cook things.

I object to that. Shut up, Carol. Would you believe it? Mattresses can often cost well over $1,500 But Casper mattresses cost $500 for a twin-size mattress $600 for a twin XL $750 for a full $850 for a queen

And $950 for a king Like Tom Darling, I'm sorry for manipulating you into buying a Casper mattress, darling It's completely risk-free Casper offers free delivery and It's completely risk-free. Casper offers free delivery and free returns, 100-night home trial. If you don't love it, they'll pick it up and refund you everything. Darling.

Casper understands the importance of truly sleeping on a mattress before you commit, especially considering you're going to spend a third of your life on it or under it or on top of it if you get my drift telling like like literally like like i can't like the casper is like obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price like it's like literally it's like so shockingly fair like like i literally cannot imagine a more fair price like literally i cannot i can't bring latex and supportive memory foams to create an award-winning sleep surface with just the right amount of sink in the right bounce like who does that seriously seriously time magazine named it one of the best inventions of 2015 an award-winning mattress that won't disappoint like ariana stand up seriously

seriously free shipping and returns to us and canada and if i don't like them in dubai then i will not have them in Dubai. How lucky are you to try a Casper for 100 nights risk-free in your own home? And if you don't love it, like you love my Instagram, they'll pick it up and refund you everything, including Fritos. Made in America with no

crumbs. Tracking. Oh. Sometimes we read part of the copy that we're not supposed to read in public. We are out of passwords to talk through now. So just go to Casper.com. And when you order your mattress, use the promo code CRAPPINS. use the promo code crappins well it's well to be fair you should go to www.crasper.com slash crappins that's casper.com slash crappins and casper.com slash crappins with the promo code crappins yes you will get 50 towards any mattress purchase okay that is 50 off y'all

go to casper.com slash crappins and use the code word crappins. And by the way, I have a Casper mattress, and it's fantastic. I'm touching it with my finger right now. Do it, everybody. I really do love mine. Okay, Ben, thank you, Casper Mantrius. I hope you enjoyed that 10- read like we get 10 percentage points taken off our cut every every minute we go over we're like 19 hours casper commercial let's move on to some vanderpoop drools shall

we be in oh my god we have to we have to. We must. We shall. What a show. What a show. My God. Now, to be fair, I watched this after eating Korean barbecue, and so I took tons of notes, but I was also in like a semi-awake state. I was like, I don't know what I've taken in, so I'm going to do my best, but I've taken a lot of notes. All I know is that Katie was ins insufferable and there was a vicious

rumor that went right through sir and yet the rumor didn't seem to really matter that much but i appreciate it also they'd already been spreading said rumor it's like the same thing that they've we've already known the whole time they're like a vicious rumor james some people like lala's fucking a merry dude like everybody knows all this they're like somebody has herpes at vanderpump it's like yeah we know all right they all do it was one of these rumors that every time someone else repeated it they were like no and i was like no and then i was like does it really matter no but i'm on board basically this is that giant billboard on uh in front of the whole foods in west hollywood that is always changing and it goes from like a safe sex we're all a different color of the gay rainbow to the next month being squirt.org get fucked anywhere you are that's basically this show to me this was

the equivalent of that viral video that happened yesterday where a man punched a kangaroo it was like you stop and you look at it and for a moment you're like, oh my God. And then you're like, this doesn't really matter in my life. But I appreciate it. And no one hit Katie. Or Kristen, actually. She has more of the kangaroo face.

But they did show Kristen beating the shit out of everybody else later in the episode. But that's jumping ahead, darling. We open, I think we open with Tom and later in the episode but that's jumping ahead darling we open i think we open with tom and ariana in the gym i was two minutes late to the live viewing no oh oh no you're you are incorrect you missed a whole scene well i was watching on vpn so that i could trick the internet into thinking i lived in new jersey and i didn't realize that it was saying i lived in dallas like you have to try it a few times until it finds a place that you can get the time schedule you want and so i'm sitting here

watching vanderpump rules and i'm like didn't they already do didn't they already see the office like it was when all the waitresses go to the office and she's like we're doing a doggy you know korean barbecue with dog fair stop turning dogs into into Korean barbecue. Whatever her dog march was. And I was like, have I seen this? And I watched like five minutes of it. And it was all new to me. Well, let me tell you about what you missed. Because the show actually began with Tom and Katie flying up to Lake Tahoe to go to their wedding venue to check it out.

You didn't see that, right? No. Okay. like lake tahoe um to go to their wedding venue to check it out you didn't see that right no okay so they go up there and uh uh they at one point i guess i wrote at one point that like tom and katie get into um a taxi at one point uh oh no they i'm sorry my note is like totally messed up i wrote something about a taxi and there was no taxi but basically katie says to tom she's like hey you get this for the rest of your life you could just see the look on his face where he was just like i think i need to get back on the plane back to los angeles um so they arrive at this at this house what's something what was it called like the 12-year house or something like

that um and uh as they as they show up there's like some staff from the house that's going to show them around the property, etc. And Katie makes this comment where she was like, sorry, we're late. I mean, to be fair, I want to do this six years ago. And Tom's like, well, I kind of want six more years. And he's like, ha, ha, ha, ha. And then Katie stares at him like, how dare you? And then the staff is just like, this is going to be awkward, isn't it? The whole staff is like, bubba.

When you go to sleep, we'll leave a bubba on your pillow. Yeah. So we meet the wedding planner whose name is Tricia, which I thought you'd appreciate because you have a friend. Tricia! Tricia. So Tricia is like, like hey so this is a table I set up this table so I wanted you to get an idea

of like what this would be like because it was it can be an outdoor space they're all it's like all these tables that are gonna be set up on this lawn

and there's all these big tall beautiful trees because it's the you know it's northern California and and the centerpiece of the table is this like

it's like a a cross section of like of like a table is this like – it's like a cross section of like a tree trunk. That's like a little base and they put the flowers on it. Can you use – do you understand the picture? Yeah, I'm with you. It's like a little pedestal. And she's like, yeah, so we set this up here. And Tom is like, yeah. He's like, yeah, I like that centerpiece.

And Kitty goes, I don't. I had a vision like we're already in the woods i don't want too much of a rustic mess i'm like bitch you're getting married in lake tahoe like if you want the waldorf astoria go somewhere else have you seen your eyebrows like you're rustic you're walking rustic okay clear your message like get a cleaner message for these people to work with. You're already going to be scaring away all the beautiful woodland animals. So just, like, have a nice little tree trunk, okay? She's like, do you have anything with scrunchies?

So then Katie, Katie then, oh, sorry, we were going to say something. Literally, you're saving me. You're saving me from a scrunchie rant. No, I actually, I am now opening the floor to a scrunchie rant and begin. It passed. What else happened? Like a forest fire, it passed. I mentioned that because last time we went to Tahoe, there was a raging forest fire.

Aw. Yeah, it's okay. I survived. raging forest fire um yeah it's okay i survived um but uh so meanwhile while katie's in here being like i don't need to be so rustic she then tells us like the most insufferable thing she goes our theme is woodsy elegance like shut up katie i hate like i hate wedding themes that are bullshit like it means nothing woodsy elegance like she just doesn't want to have to start shaving her legs again i'm just like is that like an owl in a ball gown like what is woodsy elegance the brawny man okay that's another word for poe yeah you can't be

woodsy elegance and then deny the tree trunk. She's like, my theme is waiters botching waiters around on a Wednesday. So she actually does elaborate. And she says, it's kind of like mixing this very elegant type wedding that would be in a grand ballroom, but put it in nature. On Wednesday. On a Wednesday. day on a Wednesday. I'm like, first of all,

the fact that the notion that you would ever be having a very elegant type wedding, that would be in a grand ballroom is laughable. Okay. You're not even going to come close to a grand ballroom. You're not even coming close to like a billiard room. Okay. You're never going to have that. She's like,

I want it to be super classy. Like, have you been to a marriott it's like oh geez so then they're talking with trisha about like um how many people are gonna be coming etc and um and they're making jokes about um they're talking about jacks and tom tells trisha he's like hey trish hey tr, just so you know, Jax is probably going to try to sleep with you. And they're like snickering. And Trisha just like looks down at her pad to be like, I don't know what I'm getting into.

But we all know that was the look of someone who's actually already slept with Jax. It's already happened. There's a reason why she retreated to Tahoe. She's like, I thought I was getting away from him. She's like, good. Now I can try and get some of his antibodies to find a cure yeah so uh she gives a quote of like 24 000 and they are they're freaking out could you imagine spending that much money to go home to katie like who does like who would do that you know run

and also katie gets a lot of shit for being an awful human being. And she is like, it's, it's well-deserved I think, but he's such an asshole too. Like who wants to marry that guy? Like you're forcing a broke person with no job to marry you. Why? He doesn't even have sex with you or want to, he doesn't even want to talk to you half the time. Why would you do that to yourself?

Get some self-respect. Yeah. I just don't understand why this wedding isn't happening at dave and buster's because we know that's really where they're destined for they would spend more money at dave and buster's those fucking idiots they're probably the ones who pay three dollars to ride the little like pole position game it's like do you have a car katie probably makes tom give get her all his tickets he like earns like 20 tickets she's like bubba i

just don't think it's cool that you have all the tickets and then i don't have any and i can't play any of the games he's like fine and she goes and waits them all on the beer pong game he's all romantic he's like bowling oh i got a gutter ball oh just like our relationship right bubba bubba i just was hoping that you give me our batman rechargeable power card bubba bubba i just was hoping that you'd give me our batman rechargeable power card bubba so do they go to the gym now or are we at the gym now now now we go to crunch fitness jesus how much of this show did i miss i feel like i just missed a whole episode only only that um and now we're at crunch fitness with tom and ariana and that's where tom is like your butt looks good and she's like cool he's like yeah la is like a lot of pressure you know like there's guys everywhere they're like ripped like you gotta

keep that beach body here in la this is when are you ripped like you're a zumba body if i've ever seen one like that is that is a and that's not bad i'm just saying he's not like ripped. No one looks at Tom and thinks, whoa, that dude's ripped. They think, wow, that's nice muscle tone for, you know, a pale lesbian. It's a lot of tennis going on over there. He is definitely more ripped than I am. That's for sure. Especially after the chocolate chip cookie I just indulged in earlier, earlier in this podcast. Well, obviously my

judgmental uh words don't come from a place of me being in a better body i mean i'm a walking like i'm still a sleeping bag basically um but they're in the gym and he's like so james what's up man nothing nothing's up just you know here working out lifting up these weights oh god james have you ever lifted anything ever he's like oh god sweating a gallon like doing a what do you i don't even know what you call it a rep he's like but no really bro anything going on he's like all right i got fired from pump why man why like tom i mean i know you have to play a role in this scene but i mean asking what why why james got fired is like asking why is why is the sky blue it just is it's one of those things

that makes sense to everyone why does this cheese have holes no one knows but it's still delicious and smelly all at the same time no one knows but also no one questions it it's still good in a sandwich why yeah he gets so angry he's not just just like, oh, man, what happened? He's like, why, man? Meanwhile, James is, like, falling over in a puddle of sweat. The kettlebell's too strong for me. He's crushed his own larynx with, like, a rowing machine. And then they cut to, why, man? And then they cut to, oh, knock your spark out, Ken.

Knock your spark out. Knock your spark out. And he goes. cut to oh knock your spark out ken knock your spark out knock your spark out because you know every time they fire james it's like totally reasonable but this time is bullshit because jack's is foul like jack's totally manipulated you and just screaming and yelling drunkenly in a restaurant yeah that's not yeah no tom i listen tom i'm a fan of yours i think you are a lovely person but you're absolutely wrong in this situation. James is an asshole. He was drunk, partially in your doing, and he did this to himself 100%.

You're hot, but you're too old for a bike. You look like Clay Duvall. Please take out the French braid. And stop being nice to James. Tom has some pretty good advice, though. Well, I didn't even know, because wait, I don't think we've gotten to the advice part yet. We're still in James's

pretending he's like he's like in charge of the feminist movement now. He's like, I was fired because of sexual harassment. He's like, there's a girl there claiming I hooked up with her and I didn't. It's all a lie. And Ariadne's like lifting and a girl there claiming i hooked up with her and i didn't it's all a lie and ariana's like lifting and she goes fair enough women's lib has come so far a dirty dirty girl she took a good look at this and decides she

would you have another piece of it he's like i have to go out of my way with these people to look innocent they're all raping me and making me look terrible i have to go to my 10th floor apartment overlooking beverly hills and feel sad i don't think so i'm like it's some old gay guy's apartment you're sleeping behind the fucking ikea screen on the floor like it is sad james and if you don't feel sad you're a sociopath okay and tom's like oh it's all right man just go home and jerk off in front of the mirror. You'll feel better. I love lesbian porn. Weirdos.

You know, part of me that thinks the only reason why James is so shady is because he just really, his entire apartment is just contained within a shade. He's literally chilly. He literally just, like, lives behind a Japanese shade. He's like, why do you have to be so shady, apartment in Beverly Hills? Why? So then we go over to Sir, and Lala is there. And Lisa is leaving the restaurant, and Lala goes chasing after her. And Lala is dressed crazy.

I mean, she's at work. And she is wearing, I mean, like talk about it. These are not even short shorts. I don't even know what they are. I mean, it's just like a very thick black rubber band. And, like, she just looks crazy. And I love her for every bit of it. Someone on our Facebook put,

Lala's outfit is an oxymoron. It's true. I think that was Love Everlong who said that because it was hilarious because i think she was wearing like a long sleeve black shirt and her boobs were so she had like a very covered up top and like nothing on the bottom if i remember correctly like if she had a penis it would be hanging out yeah it was great it's classic lala let's see she goes out and starts telling lisa all this crap which i think is hilarious because lisa't, like, yes, Lisa didn't need to hear any of this. But really, she doesn't need to hear anything on this show.

Like, what boss, what manager have you ever had that's like, who are you fucking, darling? But she runs out and she's like, oh, my God, new rollies, Lisa. She's like, yes, yes, yes. What is it, Lala? And she's like, well, I spoke to gg again because of all these rumors she's like oh you mean about you dating a man who's married by the way i want to put a pin in that for a second and and you know it seems to me that everyone keeps saying well lala's dating a man who's married look he got her a range rover and

i don't understand why why someone buying someone a Range Rover automatically means that he's married I understand the inference like the suggestion that he can't give her like monogamy so therefore he can give her a Range Rover but just because he got her a Range Rover he could just be like a sugar daddy well nothing no one no marriage really matters in LA and I'm sorry to the people who would disagree, but marriage doesn't really matter. I mean, people get married, they get divorced, you know, they beg a man, they'll get pregnant. They do whatever they can to get a man, you know, but Lala wins. She actually got somebody to sign a lease and you ain't ever getting out of that.

You will have to pay that shit. I mean, if you want to talk about real commitment, that man gave it. Hey, that shit. I mean, if you want to talk about real commitment, that man gave it. Yeah. Plus, part of me also feels like if you marry someone who would then later want to, like, have an affair with Lala, he probably was scum to begin with. So it's a little bit on you, too. And who is this cast to judge?

I was making some tweets yesterday while I was watching it. And I was like, yeah, Lala should just basically walk around eddie cibrian screen printed on her uniform at this point like fuck sheena and i love sheena like sheena's and i love sheena i'm so glad she's on this show but what a douchebag like who are you it's like your entire first season was you standing up for yourself. Because we have everybody! Like once. Okay, like, for you. Okay, like, for five minutes. But, like, for five years.

Let me see him! But you're right, though. You're right. They totally are, like, you know, they're going, they're such a double standard. But then again, that's, like, the Sir standard. The Sir standard is to be double. And also, Stassi fucked Jax, and he has fucked every every married woman in town so that's like fucking a married person by proxy yeah whatever people yeah save your judgment darling but lisa judges her but in a really

fun way she's like are you sure he's not married darling well you would know about having sex with a married man wouldn't you darling you would know about a Rolls Royce because you roll over for your married man, don't you, Lala? It's like, jeez. That's like, jeez, Lisa. And then, did you notice that Lala said, I am not dating a married human being? Yes, she did say that.

Wait a minute. I was like, so is it like a different sort of animal? Like, is it like a married iguana? Is that where you're dating? I'm very open-minded. I need my mama. I need my iguana. I'm a married flesh bot, okay?

I understand. I'm married to a Roomba, darling. And Mama's like, okay, I'll come with you. Let's go get a cocktail. And I was like, Lala, go back to work. I mean, people aren't nice to Lala. Give me a cold, darling. And Mama goes inside, and she's like, fine, I'm about to work. And if people aren't nice to Lala, give me a call, darling. And Mama goes inside.

And she's like, fine. I'm working. Speaking of working, we then go to Schwartz, Tom Schwartz, who's doing a modeling shoot for more underwear. So, again, basically it's at a place called Dust Studios. Yeah. That pretty much sums it up. It was some sketchy dude who was like, oh good, if I hire Tom Schwartz, I can be on TV.

So that's what I'm going to do. Yeah, it's basically the same people he did the shoot for last year. Remember when he showed up all fat? Yeah, that's what I figured. Underwear and matching socks. That's the thing. This year, he's Dave Appel. The Dust Studios magic man. he's like uh yeah remember

last time you came in here fat oh glad you're still fat so now it's underwear and matching socks for your lady hey do you want me to stuff your nuts because they look kind of shy he's like god yeah like this guy's almost saying it's like he's making me feel like my nuts are too small like he literally just said your nuts are too small. Yeah. What's confusing? And then there were like a lot of close ups of his nuts. And it was, yeah, I mean, it looked like Lala's outfit essentially.

Yes. Those were Palm Springs. Those were Palm Springs and December Nets. It's like this pool is freezing. I love the guy directing him. He's like, want me to stuff your tiny nuts? Okay, roll over. Okay, guys, get a shot of him not looking fat.

Let him hide his stomach a little bit over there. Hold the basketball in front of your stomach. Great. Then they give him a peach to stuff himself with. And it actually worked. It looked real. Yeah. And then they took it out of his crotch and put it back on the secretary's desk.

Like, not cool. That's great. Here's a bassinet to hold in front of you. So over it, sir. Sheena and Lisa. Yeah, Sheena was upset because. Jax is over an hour late. Yeah.

And I like that at least she's getting to, you know, she's a big tattletale too, just like Jax. But Jax is the ultimate. Yeah. So i was glad she got to tattle on him and lisa's like write him up darling like he's been in prison like three times i think and he's still got a job so i think he's safe and he had you know another bullshit excuse he's like yeah you know i got i got locked out because i went to the beach and then britney took my keys and like an ostrich came by and like it knocked me over and I had to go to the emergency room. He lives in K-Town, right, Jax? Yeah, I think so.

So he's living in K-Town now. Who goes to the beach before work? The beach is like an hour away. It's not like everyone's like, oh, LA, the beach is right there. You know, when it comes to Jax, you could just take out beach and just have a blank there and say who does blank before work because that's like the story of jack's life it's like who decides to climb a pine tree before work jacks does he's still got sand all over his work shirt that he probably wore to the beach from like last night and the night before

he was jerking off in the back room of some koreatown spa that's what he was doing we all i was inside a bitch he just like he can't say that because his nose is so cooked up it's like meanwhile here comes just kidding i just hung up on you again sorry ben we both transitioned at the same time you said so and i said meanwhile i love lisa's dad jokes he's like i was locked out she's like well at least you went not locked up like last time and jack's was probably knocked out what's next jack's being knocked up okay dad uh showtime with elisa palo um so now uh meanwhile in a different corner of los angeles tom and ariana tom's like biking to uh wherever they're going he's biking and ariana's like standing on the

back of the bike i mean it's such an insufferable image it's just awful it really is it's kind of carol radswell very uh someone commented well you know at least she's like the proper age i'm like carol i'm like not really like not really 13 like bitch is still 40 i don't care what it's like not 1979 either yeah exactly get a car yeah so they show up they valet the the bicycle at red o um and they sit down and ariana orders ceviche and i thought for sure asa was going to come like from from beneath the table and just like grab it and then take it away babe babe babe babe somebody say ceviche ceviche babe babe babe they had ceviche on the other show babe she just comes and runs away on the bike and ariana's like she's really feeling the game also red oh we go there because it's right across

from the improv and so we go hide over there and i just thought that was funny because i was thinking this is another scene for the improv with these hilarious this hilarious power couple of comedy well we're going to the improv on thursday to record our show so you know we can reenact leave the house um so basically they're like we're in love and he's saying yeah man like we're gonna get married it's gonna be that crazy and she's like yeah i'm not gonna get married because i have commitment issues like a man would because i'm like a woman of 2016 i'm serious about the game hey brah hey brah i'm just like a dude like look at me i'm ariana i'm like a dude like this is cool

like i'm like you know we can talk we can say things like pussy and barf in front of me i'm like a dude i don't care like isn't that cool yeah that was a lot of this episode with poor ariana they're like we can talk about farting in front of ariana she's like yeah it's cool yeah i always i always feel like when people when especially like when when there's certain type of girls who are like yeah i'm just like one of the dudes. The more you say that, the less I'm convinced that. I feel like the more you are going to spring some really girly issue on me very soon. Yeah.

Well, she wants a house. And he's like, why would you get a house with me if you won't even marry me? She's like, look, I got a bouncy house with you. And you left me on my birthday while I was crying about my dad. So, you know, baby steps. Yeah. a bouncy house with you and you left me on my birthday while i was crying about my dad so you know baby steps yeah if you don't leave me while i'm crying about my dad in a real house i'll consider marrying you so uh meanwhile lala goes hiking with her friends tiffany and ellie who both have worked at villa blanca and at pump um and they're just like chatting and they're having a fun time and lala is just like

i like how she diffuses rumors about her like having sex with a married man by just saying like listen like my boyfriend just likes to reward me for giving good dome that's all i'm like oh okay i noticed they opened the scene with a shot of the greek theater i'm surprised they didn't show the arc light cinema I noticed they opened the scene with a shot of the Greek theater. I'm surprised they didn't show the Arclight cinema. It's a dome. For those of you who don't live here, it's a dome. Also, she's saying, like, what's the big deal?

Everyone's acting like I'm a slut. I mean, Brittany got boobs from her man, and I've got a Range Rover. I think that means, like, I did better. And mine wasn't from Groupon either. Yeah, exactly. Well, you know what? If you're going to be a slut, at least be a slut with higher quality slut targeting. Yes. You may be a slut, but at least your interior is real leather.

Brittany's probably filled with cock. You know what? It's like writing a really good college essay and then applying to a community college. You might as well go for something bigger and better. Shoot for the Ivies, man. So the other girls are loving talking about James. James has slept with everybody, and I have to hand it to the guy. I mean, he looks like a cabbage patch doll

on top of like a nightmare before christmas body and he gets more say say that yeah than anybody i've ever seen i know i was thinking about today um when i was like taking a dump because why not think about james when you're taking a dump and i was thinking you know these these women are hilarious because the pattern of the show is james is disgusting let's go talk about how disgusting james is oh how disgusting i can't believe i slept with him oh yeah he is disgusting next episode oh he's disgusting i actually just slept with him oh such a mistake like yeah i agree let's all talk about it and then like the next episode's like a third girl yeah he's awful by the way we

just hooked up he is the worst like just stop looking up i love that ellie was like well i did feel totally gross yeah so ellie as it turns out ellie hooked up with james a month ago and she knew that he's like a piece of shit uh and that he would deny deny hooking up with her and that he would like drag her name through everything where would she get that idea because he said while they were boning he's like i'm gonna make you look bad if you tell anybody like you're crazy like yeah look we're just fucking ellie i have a girlfriend i'm like whoa i guess like before or after but during he's like oh oh oh yes i oh, you're such a dirty girl.

Oh, I'm gonna... Yes, I'll do the dishes in a minute, Daddy. I'll be right there. That's right, you finish it, slut. Sorry, I know it was my turn. I don't think he would have been able to come unless he told her that he was gonna talk shit about her. Like, that's

what got him off. Oh, yes, I'm gonna talk so much shit about you. Oh, yes. everyone that i just mimicked james i'm sorry that ben just lie squirted as james that was some terrible role playing um but also ellie took pictures okay this is not like a sex tape it's a picture of it you know it's him because you see that ikea screen that the gay old man has in his apartment and they're sleeping on the floor like you see him but he's facing away and then she's take he's facing away from her which is like body chemistry not romantic yeah and she's taking a selfie of him just laying in his bed with him

but i mean that doesn't say they had sex maybe they just fell asleep maybe she just wanted to come over and see what you know like a big fat hairy backed guy looked like in the middle of like we don't know maybe she just wanted to ride a hoverboard across you know a studio apartment we don't know they had sex and you know what like i just think it's funny that that her instinct was i'm gonna take a picture the next day because i know he's a piece of shit and he's gonna talk shit about me so i'm taking a picture so that people will believe me i'm like or another way to combat that is not to have sex in the first place okay you're a pretty girl um you can do much better and she's not exactly ashamed of it i, this is basically this girl's job interview.

She's like, look, I'm bringing a picture on a television show. See you next year, bitch. Yeah. And Lala is like. You're like CIA. You should take a screenshot. Don't just send me the picture. Take a screenshot so there's a date on it.

She's like, yeah, great idea. on it it's like yeah great i doubt and now and like james like lala is sort of like shocked by this because you know james had told lala multiple times that he's never cheated on raquel and i'm like do you not remember last season i mean last season james told kristen kristin that he never cheated on her and then he like didn't even try to hide it he basically said in the confessional like yeah we smashed we totally smashed on the car downstairs from kristin like this is a guy who gleefully cheats so why why are you shocked lala also why would raquel be shot listen if you're you come in here you go tourist it up over at pump and you fuck the guy who's like going wiggy

wiggy wiggy in front of a pizza oven on a map book like you deserve what you get raquel okay ain't nobody gonna cry for you argentina yeah the producers sort of dropped the ball a little bit because i think we should have gotten to know raquel a little bit more we should um start to care about her a little bit more so that way this whole thing with ellie would carry a bit more weight because the truth is this is totally entertaining. And I, and I love that there's this photo going around,

but I don't think anyone really cares. Like who cares about Raquel, you know? Yeah. Nobody. I kind of want Raquel to get what she's asked for, which is to be shit on, on national TV.

Have fun batch. So next up, the boys are out for a drink with ariana and i guess everybody's there but she's like hanging with the guys because she doesn't believe in like societal labels yeah she's one of the guys if she believed in labels like that then they talk about how they can talk about farts and pussy with ariana she's like yeah it's like it's cool and so jack starts gossiping of course about gg saying that she fucked james and telling everybody blah blah blah and tom's like god man why are you being like that to james like that's

not cool you're being uncool to james and like you're just poking him and he's like yeah but it's fun to fuck with james that's why i'm doing it like i'm doing it on purpose like you're right i'm fucking with him on purpose he's on purpose like you're right i'm fucking with him on purpose he's like god man you're provoking it yeah i just said i i provoked it so yeah i was like tom i think i think jax is allowed to celebrate that james got fired because a james is really annoying and b uh james if anyone's provoking james has been provoking jax all this time knowing that jax can't punch him and Tom, do you not remember when you yourself punched James in the face of the season one, season three, season premiere? Like, you know, you're actually like I'm surprised that Tom is even so sympathetic to James because James was a huge dick to Tom for a very, very long time.

When we talk about female and male relationships so much on this show, basically Tom is Raquel in this situation. Like, you deserve whatever you get, fucker, for still being friends with Jax. Like, anything that ever happens to Tom because he's friends with Jax, he deserves. I mean, the guy fucked your girlfriend on your couch while you were asleep. And then lied about it. And then not only admitted it but admitted it on tv like hurt you the most like you deserve whatever you get stop yelling yeah so um outside sheena is talking to ariana um i don't remember what they were talking about um just probably the usual

chit chat either about lala or like guys or who knows what. But at one point, like, Ariana's, like, talking, I'm sorry, Sheena's talking about, like, veneers, and then Kristen walks up, and Sheena just goes, speaking of veneers, your temps look good. And I was thinking that was such a, like, that's a very L.A. transition. Speaking of veneers, by the way, your temps look good.

That's so Sheena. And she's also like, people have a problem with the smile because my veneers are so good, they think I'm, like, bitchy. I've got also like, people have a problem with the smile because my videos are so good. They think I'm like bitchy. I've got like bitchy veneers. Yes, Sheena. It's all because of your videos. And Kristen's like,

look, Ariana. I get why you don't like me, but we don't have to talk about it because you don't like me. I totally get it. But why the fuck would anyone defend James? The way he treats Kata and the way he treats like shana and the way he treats like stassi and the way he treats like she starts making this list or whatever and ariana goes well i could say the

same thing about you for example like you punched james in the face well you punched schwartz well like and you punched tom that's not fair okay she goes but you like have literally physically assaulted lots of other people and she's like okay well if james walked up i'd assault him hardcore the best part good point kristen you idiot the best part of all this was that the producers then provided a montage of Kristen punching people in the face. It was great. It was just perfect. By the way, we also should mention that Ariana said the sweetest thing she's ever said to Kristen, which is that when Kristen walked up with her veneers, Ariana's like, they don't look any different. Which is good.

Which is good. Which is good. Kristen's like, seriously? Seriously? It was preventative. There was nothing wrong. But like, uh,eneers i don't know i don't know why this is just hitting me now but everyone's so shocked that james kennedy's a damn

fool his initials are jk yeah i write everything down in initials like wow that's funny i wrote jk lol jk lol so speaking speaking of djs we then go over back to sir where dj speakeasy has taken over the dj booth uh basically it's gg in a wig yeah that just made me laugh right yeah i just like dj speakeasy i was like she's so cheesy she's she's one those who's like, I'm listening to the beat in one ear on my headphone. She's sexy, unique DJ. Sudge. Oh, my God, DJ, speak easy. You're so sudge.

Sexy and unique. I play songs with only three beats instead of four um we forgot to talk about jack's imitating james he's like i'm sick of that fucking guy like he thinks he's a dj like well have fun now you're fired like have fun at the local applebee's like wiki wiki wiki fuck face dj fuck face uh well then so over at sir there's now like it's like a learning annex moment because lisa vanderpump starts giving us an insight into her and her managerial skills she's like you know sometimes you have to change the color of the walls or get new t-shirts you have to keep it fresh. I was like, oh. Next step is Shark Tank, essentially. Change the color of the walls, t-shirts, new ashtrays sometimes.

Road to success, darling. Work in progress. For example, we used to have goat cheese bowls. Then it was goat cheese empanadas. I used to have just little candles, but now I've switched to full-on

votives. That's how you get to success, darling. We've gone from black light to dark brown light. So such. We once had

napkin rings, and now we just fold them like they're scallop shells. So she buys new black T-shirts for the staff, but this one, the back says, sir, like in big gold letters. And notice the girls didn't get anything. It's like, this is the only way to make Jax change his shirt. We have to get the entire staff clothes

and get them laundered just so Jax doesn't smell like Bo, darling. Sexy, unique T-shirt, suss. So I like that she harassed Peter. She's like, try on the shirt, Peter. And he does. And she's like, Peter, did you stop working out? Bitch. All right, I've ruined some lives.

Goodbye now. Sexy, unique pot belly. So Sheena is a sexy, non-unique pot belly of a man who settled too soon. Sheena and Ariana get some alone time and Ariana's like, well, I found out that Ellie took, like, private pics in James' apartment. She's trying to make it, again, sound like sexual harassment of James. And I get that she's, you know, it should be an equal playing field.

But it's really not. Like, nobody's going to feel sorry for James. He took some slag home when she took a picture. And Sheena also, and by the way, and Sheena is, like, very quick to try to sort of slut shame Ellie. She's like, also, she's older than Kristen. Like, what's wrong with her? Yeah. She's like, older than Kristen.

It's like, weren't you fucking Eddie Cibrian? He was, like, 50 years older than you. Please be quiet. Yeah, exactly. But I like when Ariana's like, well, I well i mean that was like she took pictures while he was asleep and then she goes i found out from i found out from lala and then it goes three hours ago and mama's like they slept together and then it cuts back i need my mama for that thanks thanks for coloring in that that that gap like i was i was a little concerned

she found out about from our from lala but how how is it was an email was a text it was a conversation okay great thanks what's up with all these like what is she 34 what's up with all these 34 year olds having sex with james watch out sheena you're the one headed for divorce enjoy being 34 and on the prowl for four-year-old having sex with John. Watch out, Sheena. You're the one headed for divorce. Enjoy being 34 and on the prowl for some young tail. I know. Poor thing. I really feel for Sheena.

Just kidding. Sheena and Ellie. Yeah, Detective Sheena is like, I need to get some dirt from Ellie. We're going to sell her to Claire. Can I get a goat cheese salad with no beets? I don't

want any beets, even though we're talking about James. You know who else doesn't have beets? Sir, because James got fired. The waitress is like, are you done ordering? Because you're going to tip me like a dollar. That's so sad. I can't believe that. Speaking of balsamic vinaigrette.

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Black is beautiful. Did you know that James got fired from Sir? The waiter's like, I literally don't care. Please walk away from the counter. How can you have a goji salad with not goji's balls? That's so not such. You realize that your acronym

does not apply to the situation. What? You see, Sheena, I don't even work at CERB, but I know that CERB stands for Sex Unique DJ, and you're talking about Goji's Ball, so it really has nothing to do with anything. I don't get it. DJ in a wig!

I like that for some reason I made the server at Solo de Cuenca British and scholarly. It's just because Lisa has to British and scholarly. It's just because Lisa has to shoot more scenes. She's just playing alternate roles. She has a mustache on. Lisa has a mustache on behind the counter at Solo de Cuinga.

Darling! Darling! What did Pete ever do to you, random customer? I have no idea of whose name you possess. It's our value. No,

no, it's not me. I am just... My name is Mesa Ponderpump and I work at Soledad Coinga, and I'm here to correct you on your acronyms. Clearly, when you discuss goat cheese balls, they are sexually unique goat cheese balls, so that would

be Sugg-ba. Oh my god, are you 34? Have you had sex with James? Darling, I don't want to hear about that. I'm your boss. I mean, I'm the cashier. So stupid. This is so Ellie Coates.

I love when we go on a real stupid so Ellie shows up and she's like Lisa with a mustache working by the counter at a coffee shop trying to correct Sheena on her use of acronyms that's a record of stupidity

oh god so Ellie comes in and Cena's like I didn't get peed and she's like oh hello good to have some lunch with you and she's like so what about you fucking James huh are you in a rush

well Ellie's like sure I'm ready to be on the show so anyway we had sex and his penis is 3.4 inches long. He smells like old granola bars. And then when he's climaxing, he said, just so you know, you don't mean anything to me. She's like, ah, that's so weird. And she's like, I didn't tell anyone because I was ashamed.

But, you know, we're all allowed to make mistakes. And Sheena goes, one time. I'm like, well, there is eddie sibrian and now your husband's leaving you so how many times is that i can't wait to see you third it is hilarious though that james said we were talking about before we sort of got it wrong but now that we're here we're seeing the notes it is funny that james said when during sex goes just so you know you don't mean anything to me that's talk about hate sex yeah and the way she put it she's like nothing to me and then in the morning i woke up and i was like wow i had to cover myself you know yeah

she's so she's so disappointed in herself she took a picture of herself being in bed with him it's like this show is so stupid and she said I slept with him in March and she goes March he's been dating that girl Regina or whatever since like December 32nd

I was there mortified yeah well he called me so many names and i was like motherfucker i'm gonna get you i just wanted to come clean to you i just need the world to know so you understand the truth yeah and then she was like so why don't we talk about lala's married boyfriend and then ellie just sort of like gives this look like oh you are you are like you're crafty and she's like well that's the proof i need she's officially dating a married man i'm like she didn't do anything she gave you like a look like you're being naughty it didn't it was

not a confirmation of a single thing and she's like what why does that matter and she's like because she doesn't own up to it and like she doesn't own up to it. And, like, she doesn't own up to her character. And that, like, owns her, like, character. Like, she's dishonest. Like, please say own one more time. Yeah. It's so Saj. That is so Saj of Lala. Lala is, like, the most Saj person I've ever met. I think I'll have each of one of the Saj cocktails.

Without the Saj. New York Super Saj Funchunk. Katie and Tom number two, go to a Porsche dealer. Oh my God. Oh my God. These are all goals that just end up hurting you in the end. Poor Tom number two. He's like, do you want to go to a model convention?

He's like, hey, you want to go check out some washboards? It's like, what are you doing, Tom? So they're going there because Katie, as Lisa's assistant, and, you know, and anytime she mentions that she's Lisa's assistant, she just needs to shut the hell up. She honestly acts like she's working for a Fortune 500 person and like has an advanced degree in something. She's like, no, Katie, you're being sent to do an errand. You're not learning anything from this experience. And Lisa Vanderpump is like, well, I'm so rich. I get a Porsche every year.

Complimentary. And so and so she's like, Katie, go to the Porsche and go drive a car and tell me which one's the nicest. So Tom and Katie go to the porsche store and um they're supposed to check out the cars and so the porsche driver the porsche guy is like hey go take it for a test drive have fun with it so of course tom is passenger he doesn't even get to drive the car that he wants it was his idea to go on the test drive and he doesn't even get to drive it and katie they're like driving around and um tom makes a joke um he's like hey katie so like if we don't have a wedding we can get a portion instead and she's like i can't believe he would make a joke like that and she she literally goes

you don't even joke about not having a wedding to a girl three months away from her own wedding you're right you don't joke about it you dream about it bubba why are you mad mama he does this whole whiny thing and he's telling us well i can't marry bubba you know until she gets past the dork stage i'm like you can't marry katie until she stops being katie fuck somebody else tom what are you doing i can't believe he wants a porsche instead of me like all of this i can i can he's got a new one bedroom in the valley with like with like plastic like plastic brick walls like i don't know what he's looking for like literally he's just looking for a porsche like just drive better you know be a better ride katie okay yeah exactly so now i mean she literally

gets mad over this stupid joke that he made it's like it was actually sort of an amusing joke and um she's furious and by the time they get back they're full-on fighting full-on mad and then she gets out of the car she's like like, well, how about getting your fucking dick to work? How about that? He's like, my dick works fine. Poor guy. Like, he just had a gay guy shoving a peach down his pants to make it look bigger. Katie's calling him impotent.

And he's, like, driving a Porsche. It's like every middle-aged, model-aged crisis. He's not even driving the Porsche. He is hanging out passenger side of his best friend's ride call for call forward to next episode of bubba fail so um then kristin is chopping vegetables at home which i don't know why that's significant i just imagine that every time she chops in her head she's going seriously vegetable seriously i just like her like imagining that she's a model while she's feeding herself like

sugar cubes and carrots like i feel bad because sometimes i feel bad that we call her horse face but then she seems to only eat things that horses eat she literally eats carrots and she loves it she loves a carrot seriously seriously mr ed got it right and also the reason we call them horse faces isn't even literally because why do i keep saying literally it's because we're talking about our pep rules i've literally said literally like 30 little times literally i'm on the hot to try diet we call them that because they kept insisting they're like girls are never as hot as us sir like get over it we're a model i'm like okay horse face yeah they basically said that on the

very first episode of the show four years ago and we've been holding them holding them accountable ever since they earned it so she's like god i really miss stassi being my roommate she was like the best roommate ever and then it shows her and stassi and she's like you were a really fun roommate like what is with these random cuts on this show these cuts then i went upstairs cut to her two hours ago going up a stair stupid seriously seriously she's like you're a fun roommate and stassi goes yeah i'm fun let's make a picture frame out of twigs so um stassi is sitting there these girls are sharpening their knives because she is coming over with the gossip and they are like so excited so she finally comes over and she is happy because she can finally prove herself as being worthy of this group after her low indiscretions by talking to Lala about her day.

So Sheena arrives. She can help them destroy another woman. Yeah. She's like, I gotta run back my clan. She's like, hi. I like that she walks in and she's still standing with her giant diaper bag purse or whatever from Ross and she's like give it a minute

have a sugar cube relax um I think I have each of one of those sugar cubes so I like at this point I if I ever mess up a Sheena joke, I can just go into nonsense and it somehow still works.

I think I'll have another anime. Bad Sheena. I have no idea what, like, James stated only in, like, GG and blah blah blah. Clearly they're ashamed. And Kristen goes, clearly I upgraded!

Yeah, Kristen calls Ellie a a skank i'm like you realize it's like you realize you're all dipping into the same pool right yes and kristen calling anybody a skank blue jacks on the couch while tom goes to sleep and no i won't let it go anybody i will not yeah Clearly I upgraded to Carter. And I noticed for the first time Kristen's tattoo of a treble and a bass clef turned into a heart. I'm like, girl, you have never sat

through a damn piano class. What the hell do you think you front and back tattooed? That's just a basic, basic tattoo. It's basic, and then on the other arm, she has something it's like a three-word tattoo. It's basic. And then on the other arm, she has something. It's like a three-word tattoo. It's like the. I don't even know what it says.

But it's in Courier New. I'm like, oh, Kristen. Oh, please. So you're a screenwriter on one wrist and a musician on the other. And in the middle, you do nothing. She probably pays $5 to that hipster at the farmer's market who will write a poem for her. And be like, I thought this was so cool. I got this poem made for me i'm gonna put it in a frame

could you please give me a henna tattoo and curry or new font yeah oh my god so basic so anyway so they're talking about ellie sleeping with james but then really the real juice is that she was like but wait there's more like it's been confirmed with like undeniable evidence that Lala's boyfriend's married. And that's really what they care about. They don't really care about Ellie. They care about Lala boning a married guy, allegedly. Yes, because the more they care about Ellie,

the more they care about the new girl who's going to be on the show. And they are not going to like the new girl on the show because they hate young, new people who come. I mean, not that Ellie's young, but new, newer. So then Stassi says she found out from her source that like the the the guy's wife found out about lala because lala and the boyfriend shot a sex tape i'm like she went she literally went through the phone and found sex tapes women of america this is my psa from stassi stop making sex tape it's just gonna come back to haunt you i'm like yours haunted you because you got paid like nothing for it okay

lala at least got a range rover for her sex tape you just a dumb hoe that's a tricky hoe yeah exactly and then stassi then tries to explain her hatred towards Lala to sort of cast herself in a sympathetic, lovable light. She's like, Lala has been so cruel to Katie. I'm like, please, don't even go down that path. Katie is the biggest bitch here. And Lala is just reacting and defending herself. And honestly, she's funny. She said that Katie did not have a summer body.

And honestly, that's like worthy of you, Stass that's like a stassi level insult you should be taking her under your wing and just making stassi 2.0 right now well stassi is that character in video games that you're like oh my god they're so cute and smart and then they get killed every time and you're like doesn't this character ever learn like it's been played a zillion times. Turn the other way! But it can't. It's just too stupid. And Kristen's like, Yeah, well, see?

Lala is motherfucking skate trash. Yeah, I take Kristen. I'll take that more seriously if it's tattooed in Curry or New somewhere on somebody. Idiot. So next up is Lisa and Katie in the terrarium garden store uh one moment i want to say that lisa looked great in those glasses she was wearing glasses she looked so i mean lisa always looks good but she looked so good you pounded like pound on the table i pounded my desk i had to have like a gay moment of like yes girl

saj work katie who was so against this kind of thing in the first scene from what you told me it's like look at that succulent branch it's like a piece of wood elegance so like adult like non-conformative like adult wife with burlap or whatever and kate uh lisa goes succulent darling your succulent days are over you're getting married you don't have to do that anymore as if katie ever did yeah and then this was another uh opportunity for um lisa's version of deaf comedy jam like vanderpump comedyump Comedy Jam. She's like, what? Get it? It's Deaf Comedy Jam. Okay, dad.

Yeah, Lisa's like, she's like, I don't think she knows the difference between a dandelion and a daffodil. She just drops the mic. Everyone's like, woo! Why won't this jam answer my questions? Can it not hear me?

Can it not hear my comedy? Does it? It's Death Jam, darling. Darling, Katie's so stupid. How stupid is she? She thinks you can't look at a daisy at the night. Because it's a daisy. Katie is so stupid that she sits around the house.

Get it, darling! I actually don't get that, but I like it. Oh, really? Because your daffodil joke really made sense. That was what Lisa said. I was quoting Lisa. Oh, that shit's funny. I don't know what it meant either. Do you need an explanation?

Well, let me pause and come up with something. It's a treble and a bass clef. That's why you're confused. It's like poetry. Katie is so stupid that she tries to talk to tulips because it has two lips and she thinks it's a mouth and I can talk back to her. Darling, get it now? I sent Katie to one car dealership and suddenly she thinks she's in Carnation. Get it?

Katie is so stupid, she gets scared of the snapdragons. I'm trying to think of the other names of flowers. Katie is so stupid, she thinks she can get apple cider from the orchids. Stupid Katie. Katie really was

stupid, though. She was really dumb in this scene. You get like that definition The flowers, darling. Good idea, Katie. Well done. You've sure earned this $9.97 for this portion of an hour that you've stared at flowers coming out of wood blocks

with me darling I see gorilla I mean problems in the midst with Katie she's like a gourney weaver without the talent or the charm or the looks well frankly without the talent or the charm or the looks

well frankly without the gorillas god bless Katie even the gorillas hate Katie the gorillas are running back into the midst the apes would never rise if they knew Katie were around it wouldn't be worth it

stupid you were around it wouldn't be worth it stupid and on their way out she's like look how gorgeous that succulent is katie basically katie was like my relationship sucks and she's like um and it's a poor person poor katie um so then lala and james lala's like hey at your old gay guy's place he's like hello lala he's like he's djing on a hoverboard he's like i'm playing this with the play button from my apple tv darling wiggy wiggy she's like well i heard you got fired i mean i heard you got fired from sir and i'm like whoa but i won't be a hypocrite about drinking. And he goes, what's about drinking? Stupid.

She goes, well, was it Gigi? And he's like, why do you keep talking about Gigi? I didn't fuck Gigi, all right? Girls, if they all want a piece of this cake, but there's only so much of this cake to go around. What sort of cake is he? I feel like he's just like one of those like stale cakes from the grocery store that's been around for three days and has like frosting on it that tastes like nothing.

I think he's like one of those mini sprinkles. You know how they have the sprinkles in the fast food machine or whatever, like the vending machine at the Grove? He's like a dry ass three day old mini cupcake. It's all wonky. Who buys that? And then you do and it's like disgusting and dry. I think he's the sort of cake that the woman from Cheshire always seems to make in the first episode of any season of the great british baking off challenge and it comes off lopsided and underbaked and mary berry tries to put a nice spin on it but paul hollywood just looks at it and says see there it's rule

james is basically just like cake mix you know it's like that 99 cent cake mix you buy at the dollar store and you're like i'm never gonna ever eat this but then it's like four in the morning and you're drunk and you're eating it and your mouth is all dry and your teeth are all black and you're like what have i done to myself james is basically like a carrot cake with buttercream frosting instead of cream cheese frosting and it's just like the biggest disappointment you've ever experienced in your life i love cake i almost called him the chocolate sheet cake from Entenmann's, but I was like, no,

I will not sully the Entenmann's brand. I just, I was like, I started thinking about all these cake examples and I went into like a reverie. I was like, I'm like, I'm starving.

I almost compared him to a red velvet cake, you know, sort of dry and cliche, but even then it's still too elevated. Yeah. Still no poor James. Yeah. Cause I actually i actually like any cake okay yeah that's the point james is like the granola crumbs that caroline fleming's son leaves in her bed like he's the kind of crumbs that you leave town for a week for over you're like here nanny take my Nanny. He's just some shitty vegan healthy cake that crumbles apart and has no flavor. That's what he is.

Yes. He's like that kind of cake they use, like, applesauce instead of olive oil. Yeah, and, like, beet juice instead of sugar. All the beets! Beets by James. So everybody just wants a piece of James, guys. And he's basically going on how everybody wants and he's getting mad that she's you know typical housewives thing for 20 year olds where

they're mad that they're bringing up each other's fuck things on tv because they're like supposed to be honest with it like they're supposed to be behind each other's back which means hide my warts on tv at least so he's's like, she's lying to you. Elle, what's her face? She's lying to you. I've never slept with her. And she's like, oh, really? Because here's a picture with the date.

Because she screenshotted it. And he's like, taking pictures of me when I'm sleeping? God, this girl. This naughty, naughty girl. You are not Jodie Foster on a pinball machine please drop the victim routine james like he's acting like seriously he's like yeah i know to a young man with so much promise in his heart well it's amazing how quickly he pivots because he's like she's lying she's a little minx and then she shows him the proof and then he doesn't even have a moment of

accountability he's like look at her this girl taking pictures of me while i'm sleeping as she She's a long little minx. And then she shows him the proof. And then he doesn't even have a moment of accountability. He's like, look at her, this girl, taking pictures of me while I'm sleeping. She has no sense of respect. She's shameless. I'm like, wow, you, I mean, you're just like, you just know how to throw someone under the bus, like, in any way at any time. Yes. And he goes, well, I haven't even been with her since 2015. And I met my girlfriend on New Year's Eve of 2016.

I mean, that girl's a 2015 smash. He wasn't even as delicate as you put it. He literally says, my dick has never been inside Ellie in 2016. He's like, we hooked up at Christmas. And she goes, well, there's like like a date james on the picture and he's like darling there's apps for that we can just put dates on pictures however you want it's like really is are there yeah uh yeah i'm sure ellie is all up on the latest the dates on pictures ios releases congratulations to president kennedy for winning the election of 2016 like as the Dates on Pictures iOS releases. Congratulations to President Kennedy for winning the election of 2016.

Like, wait a second, is that an app? Oh my goodness. So he's obviously caught in like a million lies and she's like, what, you know what, James? Like yelling at me, that's like, don't even yell at me because that is like the end of the cul-de-sac or whatever and he's like well what you gonna do lala what you're gonna do and she goes do you know how many

things i've heard about you jams and he goes do you know how many things i've heard about you lala and then it kind of ends are you dating a married man lala and she goes he's not married and then you can tell she's lying because she starts like sucking on her lips. She's like, he's not married. Mama. Mama. Yeah. The only reason why he has a wedding ring is because they've got an app for that also.

And then it makes no sense because he goes, why are you being so secretive, la la? You want to put yourself in that position, then fine. I'm here for you. She goes, I know. And he goes, then we're done here. None of that made any sense. The lowest stake fight of all time. Then we're done here.

All right. I'm going to leave. Great. Bye. I'm going into the other room. Just like watching behind a screen. Yeah. I'm leaving.

I'm going to go get a coffee from that strange barista with a mustache at Soledad Cuenca. Well, I will be here on my 10th floor apartment crying over the view of Beverly Hills. La la. Shut up, James. Stupid James. They have an app for getting a place that you can afford.

How about that? Alright. Let's move on to a little Top Chef Ben then shall we yes yes yes yes i'm bringing up the um i'm bringing up the the web page so i can look at all the people that were on it but yes i'm so happy top chef is back i love top chef i love top chef too i've really missed padma's blink like welcome, welcome back to Top Chef. This year we are in Charleston, the land of the... Jesus Christ, Padma.

Glad you haven't taken any, like, speech classes, you know? Love me some Padma. That's Tom would say. Padma? You know, I wish I could remember all the things that we said in our Top Chef preview because we did one about a month ago, I think, on the bonus episode where we went through every single bio and we analyzed them all. And I wish I could remember. All I know is that the short guy with the beard, I think we hated him because he had foie gras tattooed onto his knuckles, right? Yeah, I can't.

I can't with that. Neither can I. it's awful he's an automatic loser in my book yeah so with this episode this season premiere of top chef like it's sort of hard to recap it because it was just like a lot of quick fires it was like they did a quick fire competition for the new chefs and they did a quick fire competition for the returning chefs and then they had a sudden death quick fire for the losers of both which was cool but i also feel like i kind of just like i i hate when they open up the season with like a before the season even gets begun even starts we're gonna eliminate someone i'm like just start the season yeah um i was kind of loving it because

we are pretty accurate with our judgments i mean the the guy with the foie gras on his knuckles was pretty obnoxious right off the bat and also he sweated all over himself and his food which is like gross to eat yeah and then there's like that homely lady who i am i'm sorry i'm calling her homely lady that's so rude but she's she's the one from charleston she's like i feel like i have the weight of the city on my shoulders because like we're in charleston and um i'm from charleston so i don't remember which one which one was that was that was that um i think it was the lady who looks like lena dunham like there's a really angry lady in this one she's like I get fired because of my attitude.

But I'm like, yeah, well, anger is delicious. Get me some Tabasco. Like, she's just awful. Yeah. And she gives everybody dirty looks. And she looks just like Lena Dunham, but, like, older than Lena Dunham. I do actually believe that we predicted she'd be a total bitch. I do actually believe that we predicted she'd be a total bitch.

And so far, you know, when she says that she's been fired from a lot of places, that so far it seems like we're on point there. Yeah, there are so many people to, like, root for and also hate. Like her, I'm rooting for her because she just seems – I'm rooting for her awfulness to come through because it's already pretty much coming through. And then there's Sam from season two. He's like, I'm Sam. Did I think I was going to win? I'd be lying if i said no but yeah i'm back he's like a little different now i feel like in his first season he was like quieter and like really aloof um and now he's like chatty like hey i've become a media personality over the past 10 years and i'm gonna be jokey now i'm like it's it's

weird it's like a different sam well sam was decent until the last few episodes and then he just became a total prick and then the internet you know dragged him and now he's like look i'm sam and i'm nice i had a book and i ran one of the top restaurants in hamptons and also i'm sam high. Yeah. I was on the cover of a magazine as one of the most beautiful people ever in the world. Forever, infinity, amen. Thanks, I'm Sam. It's like, you're such a douchebag. You are a total Botox-fillared idiot now. Sorry that a decade has passed, but when you're relying on your face, you need that time, girl.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I was going to say his face also looks a little different which was which is a bit disarming he looks like a woman who's gotten by on her looks and is now like please stay with me looks you know like a real housewife it's all stressed but still yeah yeah um so uh yeah so basically uh yeah our new people – I wouldn't say there are too many like standouts so far. I mean Emily for sure. The entire time she's like, yeah, like I'm not going to get invested in the new people. Like I don't care about them.

Why should I care about them? They're about to get voted off anyway. I don't care. It's like, okay, so you're going to be the bitch. There was Gerald Sombright who is the guy who actually wound up getting kicked off. And he seemed really cool but he just like fully messed up like he just like he in his first quick fire he he served up just like shitty chicken with like overcooked vegetables and then in the big challenge he like for some reason only

decided to roast like three oysters and they all had crabs in them and he messed himself up there oh they still had crabs because the uh video i saw cut off the end which is weird it cut off the winner but i saw that challenge but i was like uh well no because the first batch that he he was he was grilling uh had crabs in them and so then he had to do more oysters and and the biggest critique was that they didn't have enough smoke in them so they needed to be on there probably like a little bit longer or something, or be around the smokiness. I was like, dude, why don't you just put like 12 oysters on there and choose the

best ones? Also, I kind of love when they say shit like that when they gave them 20 minutes to do it. They gave them 20 minutes and a literal, it was like a camping fire with a grate over it. They're like, you have 20 minutes to make smoked oysters. Of course course it's gonna taste

like an oyster it's been i mean his were on their two seconds you know yeah well my favorite part about that whole thing about that sudden death quick fire was that it took place on this plantation and as gerald and john john was one of the returners john tasar he they're they're driving into this plantation and you're it's like the music is like serious and you're looking at these like relics of slavery and of the time past and deep scars of this country. And Gerald is talking about how meaningful it is and slave blood runs through him.

And John is talking about how, you know, his mother was a civil rights activist and it sort of brings it all home coming here. And they're sharing this. And then they cut to Gail Simmons and she's like, yeah. So oysters are a big part of this area, too. Gail's like, first of all, thank you, Gail, for showing up. And just just a god awful pattern.

I mean, welcome home, babe. Like when they showed Gail, I was yes bitchy face terrible clothes god i love this woman she's so consistent but she's like slavery you know she's yeah she says something really deep about slavery she's like and we're here to celebrate everybody who built our country together now oysters right yeah am i right oysters i'm right guys oysters am i right everyone they're like not flower patterns am i right guys am i right and padma's like i must apologize to my dear friend gail sammy and sometimes she just says the craziest things when she's hungry which is all the time am i right right? Gail's like, hey.

Padma even showed up to that first judging thing wearing a Gail flower dress. Gail's like, excuse me. My favorite, because there were returning people too. So the people who have been here before, Brooke, Shirley,

Sam, the angry guy from dallas he's like yeah i'm like one of the best chefs in the country but like i'm an asshole that guy uh which he's still an arrogant asshole he's like here's the kinder gentler asshole version of me he's still a total prick and can't help it but my favorite is that shirley's back she like, all the decision to come back here was tough. I question myself. And everywhere I go, people go, seriously, Shirley Chung, you back here again? Shirley Chung, you going to touch chef again?

Everybody like Shirley Chung. Nobody has ever said, Shirley Chung, you back here again? I love Shirley. I'm so glad she's back and you know what i think she cooks in the in orange county and i feel like i want to make a a um a trip down to wherever she is because every single thing she's ever made on the show is something that i want to eat like every single thing so i am like i'm i'm ready to really take my fandom of shirley to the next level she's so cute and hilarious really shirley chong like i love you she should win the whole thing she should well

she only makes korean food like she refuses to make anything else so always turn it into something korean which no well she's not no i i thought what kind of food did she make i i think she's chinese i think that it was a different girl. There was a woman from Top Chef Dallas who always made things Korean. Shirley just kills everything. She just is able to do everything. I love her father-daughter relationship with Emeril. I thought she should have won the season she was in.

I don't really remember who won that season, but I just felt that she automatically deserved to win. That was Brooke's season. Remember? that was brooke's season um remember she was oh yeah it was brooke and it was a surprise loss for brooke because she chose to make chicken wings to make up for a past chicken wing mistake but brooke lost to um what's her face um i know that that was the shirley season yeah yeah yeah because i was uh it was top chef new orleans yeah yeah um but that was the Shirley season. Yeah, because it was Top Chef New Orleans. Yeah. Yeah. But what was the name? I can't remember the name of the woman that Brooke lost to, but Shirley was number three.

That's the girl who came back. Yeah. And Brooke also got screwed because that was the season where they decided to change up the finale and tried to make it Iron Chef style. And it was truly the worst finale in the history of Top Chef. There was no suspense. it was like poorly done and on top of that brooke got stuck with cj jacobson as her sous chef and he burnt like half her shit as cj do as cj do um we also have to mention jim smith who i think that we took a liking to him when we did our preview he's the guy who's like the official chef of the state of Alabama or something like that, or like the governor's

palace. Yeah, because it was specifically seafood, remember? It's like, I'm the head of the Alabama Seafood Governor's Office where we cook seafood and seafood. You want some bass? I can make some bass, which means he's going to lose on sea fish.

What the hell is wrong with me? We have been recapping Vanderpump Rules, so these things happen. I want sea fish without the bass, please. It's my favorite kind of diet. I see fish, and I eat fish. Get it, darling.

Darling, you can get a spot on Lisa Comedy Tour. Lisa Comedy Jam. darling you can get a spot on lisa comedy tour lisa comedy jam um so uh so he but he did something that was crazy that they actually liked he he was like yeah i'm gonna put together strawberry with ranch dressing and like chicken i was like i don't know what this i i could not conceive of it and somehow it worked and tom you know how i joke about kate from below deck rolling on the floor laughing when it she laughs like this like oh there's rofl uh that's tom when he really loves something he goes that's good that's good okay okay that's good strawberry and chicken all right that's good. Strawberry and chicken. That's good.

Thank you so much. That's like Padma. So the newbies went first. Gerald lost his round. And then the regular the returners, as they would say on Big Brother. Whatever they're called on this show.

I don't know what you call them. The zombies. Zombies. Yeah, the vets came back. It was funny watching them in the stew room watching the newbies cook. Yeah, that was funny. Because they're so stupid. Everybody thinks because they've been on it before they get it.

Sam's like, yeah, he's going to make chicken. Yeah, look at him making chicken. Messed up there. I remember that, don't you? Not taking to make chicken. Yeah. Look at him making chicken. Messed up there. I remember that, don't you? Not taking out the chicken quick enough. Shut up, Sam. Now, I will say this. I think that the newbies, they were given an hour, right, to do the chicken?

Were they given an hour? They were not given like the typical 20 minutes. They were given an hour and they were allowed to plate as many dishes as they wanted to. And Sylvia was the only person to plate more than one dish. She made like a pasta in the middle of the challenge that they really loved. And I'm like, now I know

Top Chef is hard. I know there are a lot of challenges. But this is chicken. And none of you guys could do more than one dish with chicken? How is that possible? possible well the guy who won was the seat you know the one you just said a little gay seafood guy i love i really love that guy uh he won and he won with the smallest dish i mean he made like fried chicken innards innards yeah well because he messed but he did he won with the smallest dish because he ran out of time to do

the other dishes but i'm like i mean listen i mean how hard is it to throw a few uh drumsticks under the broiler well i'd probably lose on the i guess that's why i'm not on top chef i'm barely on like bottom chef i'm just not a good chef i'm just a bottom i'm just a bottom who can't say no oh so let's see what else happened in here it's weird going through these going through step by step. I'm trying to remember what the second quickfire was because then, you know, this season's new judge is Graham. What's his face? Elliot?

Yeah, that's weird, right? Because MasterChef is his show, and a way like a huge step up to be on this show like too big it's uncomfortable i'm like the leap is too much what did you do to earn this grab well you know he's an accomplished chef uh he from like chicago um it's just surprising because he is sort of like associated with master chef so it's shocking that he was welcomed into the Top Chef fold as in terms of a, you know, like it's a competitor, you know? Yeah. He's on and he's like, look, I'm thin and I've got crazy glasses.

I've got different crazy glasses for Top Chef. He's more serious on this show. They actually let him talk a lot. I think Tom's just like, okay, well, let that guy talk. I've been doing it a long time. So, okay. Well, it's better than richard blaze how about that yes he does not open his mouth as widely as richard blaze i mean that was some terrifying mouth opening so what was the quick fire challenge that the vets had to do um they had to make like a soup make shrimp and grits and then they're like

here's 20 buckets of overfilling shrimp in room temperature on a dirty table it's like sounds delicious guys yeah and then john he basically was like i'm doing like a faux kimchi because it's really popular in my restaurant i'm putting on top of the grits now i love kimchi and you know i really like grits but that does not sound like a proper like this did not seem like a match made in heaven culinary wise. It could work, but the way he was doing it, it did not seem like it was going to work. But a lot of that stuff doesn't ever sound like it's going to work. Brooke made, she's like, well, you know, shrimps and sausages.

I mean, grits and sausage is really good. So I'm going to grind up my shrimp and make it like sausage. I was like, no, no, Brooke. Grits and sausage is really good, so I'm going to grind up my shrimp and make it like sausage. It's like, no, no, Brooke. I thought that Brooke made the scotch egg where the egg was like the – where she like made the shrimp into the breading of the egg. And then she like cooked the whole thing, and then it was like basically a shrimp-wrapped egg, which I was sort of intrigued by. Well, they loved it. They loved it. A scotch egg. I've never had a scotch egg. I don't even know how well they loved it they loved it scotch egg i've never

had a scotch egg i don't even know how to make hair she came back with such cute hair and i like that brooke seems like she's kind of in a miserable marriage because she says things like my husband is my partner in business and life we're like partners and everything i'm like that sounds like the most like it sounded sad the way she says yeah she's's like, oh, it just looked great. I got to wake up and see my husband again. Sure. Have you ever been to a restaurant, The Triple, down in Playa del Rey? No. It's really good.

It's like a gastropub and it's really tasty. Now I have a question. So I've never had a scotch egg and I've never made one. But is it basically that you take an egg and you bread it and you like bake it or fry it or something and then cut it open. Is that what it is? I don't know what a scotch egg is. Because I mean I've heard of them before, but I was thinking like if that's how you do it, what about the shell? I don't get it.

I don't get it either. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It doesn't make sense. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I don't know.

But then there was this other girl who returned named Amanda and she had these bangs, which reminded me of some other girl with like really harsh bangs who was on here a while ago. But it's not her. It's this girl's different. And I don't remember her. And it said, Amanda, bartender. And she's like, I haven't cooked for two years because I had a back problem. I'm like, I don't have high hopes for you, but I love your terrible bangs. Well, Amanda, she actually was a chef here in L.A. at the Water Grill downtown. And she was on, I believe, Top Chef D.C. And she got about halfway through the season. She's come back now. And I, at the risk of sounding really mean, you might not recognize her because she's gained a lot of weight oh is that why i don't know i couldn't and she got bangs and she got bangs and she wasn't like a huge standout her season but the only reason why i really remember her was because uh when her season premiered you know that was when i was running a lot more about food and i got invited

to like a viewing party at the water grill so that's how i that's why i like immediately know what her backstory is but yeah she she just she kind of just got gained a lot of weight one too many scotch eggs um whatever those are whatever those may be i can't even look up the calorie count on fitness pal because i literally don't know what those are. But I just wrote random notes down, like Shirley saying, I made bowl of hog. I love her. And then Katsui is back, and he's like, the best kosher Mexican chef in the rest.

I have food trucks that are kosher Mexican Jewish food. Sounds great. And he would always make 100 things, and he still made too many things for this one. John made the kimchi, which you said. Amanda, I can't get behind someone who's like, pickled raisins. Gross. I would like a pickled raisin.

I think I would like that. That sounds just wrong. I don't like it. But, of course, I haven't tasted it. Just in my head, I hate it. By the way, Katsuchi is annoying me you know i'd like i always thought he was like okay his season but now he's coming back with a little bit of that attitude of like yeah i was on top chef and i'm like kind of like i was kind of a star of my season so i'm gonna come back and i'm gonna be a big personality like i'm i'm just

like a little over katsuchi i'm gonna put it out there i like him i think that all of them are like that they all they all live in some bubble where they're super famous within their world, but in the real world, who cares? And they're all super snotty about it. It's like all the cast of Vanderpump Rules, basically. Yeah, essentially. This is like the kitchen of Vanderpump Rules. They're like, we're the breakfast service club. There is not a Molly Ringwald among you.

Please, all of you stop. Yeah. So what happened here? They basically, Bunny Foo Foo is back, whatever her name is, from season two. Casey. She's back. I used to call her Bunny Foo Foo. She wasn't very nice.

This is her third time back and still sucks. Tom's like, wow, grits sucks they're like tom's like wow grits yeah didn't taste like anything surely of course surely won the quick fire with her her her bowl of hug or whatever it was called so of course she's gonna win it's surely she's amazing um and so basically, yeah, so what's his face? John went head to head with Gerald and Gerald. Basically, John's an asshole. And they're like, we need John on this show. So Gerald had to go, unfortunately. Yeah, I was surprised they did that.

John, I thought that they would want to drag him again and make him, you know, just embarrass him because he is just such an arrogant asshole. I'm the top chef in Dallas. Here's a magazine cover of Texas where I won a James Beard award for my restaurant called Knife. Shut up.

We don't need another restaurant called Spoon. there's a fork and a knife just napkin well at least he doesn't have a tattoo of pork belly or something like that on his wrists some pretentious chef bullshit he probably does it's like one of those hidden tattoos yeah it's like a fork and a knife you get to my butt you'll get to my my pork loin tattoo yeah yeah he has like a he has like a tattoo of like a white truffle everyone's like why do you have that broccoli tattooed on you he's a white truffle well that was funny because they are apparently allowed to bring ingredients from home which oh

yeah that part because in the quick fire the other guy you know like you said before he had crabs in his things or whatever and he had to keep running and john was like i'm gonna make soup at a smoked crab off or whatever it was yeah he makes he makes some cream soup cream yeah and he whipped truffles out of his pocket he's like my magic my magic ingredient the truffles i brought from home it's like oh that's so sad you're blowing your load on the first episode that's exactly what i was thinking i was like okay you were by the time you're done with these dishes you will have actually spent more than you would receive in the reward money uh so that was pretty much it so that i thought john was gonna get kicked off and we're gonna

get to watch him man cry no not yet not yet at least So yeah, so that was Top Chef And looking forward to seeing how that progresses And now, why don't we move on To Real Housewives of Atlanta Let's do it, man Let's do it, buddy Okay, so The episode starts with

Phaedra on the phone With that congresswoman with the hat. I forget her name. It was like Francesca. Congresswoman Frederica Wilson? Frederica Wilson, yes. And at first I was laughing because she was like, did you hear? I cannot believe.

And for some reason I thought that was funny. And then they're like, there's been another shooting. I was like, not funny. Not funny. Not funny, Ben. This is one of the silliest Housewives shows. It's ridiculous. And when they do anything dramatic, I'm like, like this whole episode was very dramatic and it was weird.

It felt weird. I was like, don't make me feel. There was a grenade. Don't make me feel real things on the real housewives of Atlanta. This isn't for real things. Fix your teeth. Fix your face. Okay.

Fix your teeth. Fix your face. Exactly. Okay. But we learned that Phaedra would be heading to the DNC, you know, to be part – to sort of – to chair a panel about, you know, black men and police and gun violence, et cetera, et cetera. I just inhaled some spit. I'm choked up. I'm literally choked up by this episode no but um it but but just when you thought this show was gonna be starting on a very somber uh no porsche shows up

and she's like oh i love walking through your house i'm on my gown i was like okay it's not gonna be that serious you always know they go from like this the police police shootings of unarmed black man to i need you to get back into the dating gang girl yeah like good time and then they start joking about balls she's like you need to get on the ball she's like i love balls balls We learned that Portia is going to be joining Phaedra at the DNC. And she's like, Portia's like, you know, civil rights run through my blood. I'm like, I can only imagine what else runs through your blood. Actually, she said serval rights runs through my blood. Serval rights.

She cares a lot about the rights of certain herbs, especially serval. Cilantro rights! That's through my blood! Crosberry! And Phaedra has to write a speech for the talk she's giving with Wilson, Congresswoman Wilson. She's like, girl, I need to concentrate on what I'm going to say. I don't want to end up like a melania trump up there challenging

us you know millie millie vanilli writing your speech you don't know what you're saying honey balls i like how phaedra's talking as if she's gonna be actually addressing the entire tnc i mean think in one in one scene they've talked about um police on black shootings balls uh fader dating again melania trump millie vanilli um civil rights or serval rights and then fader ends it with well you know maybe i can go talk to apollo in prison about that divorce while i'm there. Yeah. That's like a whole season of something that you guys just went through. Went in town for a democratic convention. Why not see about divorce in prison? That was the original tagline of the convention.

So, so then meanwhile, Kenya and Cynthia are at a place, a place where you get to make your own cake. And we learned that Kenya is going to make your own cake um and we learned that kenya is going to be making a cake for matt's birthday and she says she wants the cake to be sexy and unique and so immediately i was thinking a sexy unique cake so if this were on vanderpump rules it would be called suck um but um but i like her or a block of chains, darling. Block of chains. So Kenyus tells us that Matt lost his Gucci belt. So she's going to make a Gucci cake and get him a belt. I'm like, this is a great story arc.

I'm so excited for this episode. She's so stupid. She's like, I'm making a cake. I'm the black Martha Stewart. I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan. I'm like, that you're totally mixing. Okay. Can you imagine Martha Stewart being the one who's saying that?

She's like, well, I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan as well. Phaedra already declared herself as Black Martha Stewart many seasons ago. Either way, someone's going to jail. And she's also referenced someone who's in prison at the moment. It's like, just drop it, Kenya. And Kenya's so rude. I mean, Cynthia's like, it's so sad to be alone. I have nobody.

And she's like, well, I'm going to have a couple's date with other couples. Sorry you can't come, Cynthia. I'm going to call the couples right now while my Chanel cake's cooking. She's like, I'll invite Lena. We don't even know who she is but we keep inviting her to things but you can't come cynthia so let's see cynthia so cynthia asks if um if kenya's gonna be inviting shire and kenya's like and then kenya just starts making fun of shire and her stammer it was amazing and then we saw like a montage of sheree stammering i'm like hey that's like me on

the podcast that was kenya's impersonation of her but then when they showed it it really was that it was like yeah and then sure enough we then go to sheree with her hot son, Cairo, and they're like meeting at a park. And Shrae, the first thing Shrae says. You wrote it down too? You got Pug's Frenk? You got Pug's Frenk? You got Pug's Frenk? You got Pug's Frenk?

You got Pug's Frenk? You got Pug's Frenk? Poodle? That made me laugh so hard. She's like, you got some Pug's Frenk? You got some Pug's Frenk? You got sunscreen? You got sunscreen?

You got sunscreen? Electric? Electric? No, Mom. So he's in trouble because he got a DUI. He was pulled over for expired tags and was fucked up, even though they didn't find anything in his car. And so she's like, we went to the Million Man March,

and you heard mothers of slain black boys. I'm like, oh, my God. This is so sad, this whole episode. It was. Well, it was sad because it's like like like how awful to have to have that conversation you know where it's like you know you get pulled over you know as a young black man i mean you know it's it's scary sideways really fast real real fast and like you can see that he's like yeah mom whatever and it's like no

cairo you like i'm it's not saying like anytime a black man gets pulled over he's gonna get shot but it's like dude like just don't put yourself in a situation where you can increase the risk of something terrible happening to you sir she's like caro needs to learn how to sweat so i'm taking him to sweaty bob and caro's like i just didn't think it would happen to me i'm like caro you were stoned and driving in the south you're laughing so candy and todd it's like you got to think about these things iroh um this is a good one to to have short to recap song because things like this happen candy and todd Todd Snapchat from a restaurant.

Yeah. From OLG. And guess what? Peter walks in. And Candy goes. See. Nah. Peter.

The restaurant expert. I'm like. See this is why OLG is doomed. Because you're calling Peter a restaurant expert. I like how Candy laughs whenever she's saying anything. It can be the most serious thing. And she's like... And she does it with this smile, this questioning smile on her face the whole time.

And he's like... Peter said that he had a new bar one in Atlanta. I'm like, how many bar ones are going to be recreated in Atlanta? Like, is this like the 12th attempt at bar one? It's just not going to happen. Well, we don't like to call it attempts. We call them new leases. The guy's been kicked out of everyone because he doesn't pay his rent.

Like, when are people going to learn that the man is not going to pay his gonna pay his damn lease well soon he's gonna run out of freeways to build under that's for sure and then so they're taking a tour of this space they go out to the back and there's this like decrepit patio which i understand it's gonna be renovated but still they're like yeah we're gonna use this patio for events i like, it's like a tiny little patio. And you can see it's like in this little neighborhood, like these little houses around it. What are they thinking with this space? It's like too big for a restaurant.

They're going to lose all their money. And then they got a shitty event space outside where they're not going to have anything but shitty events. I mean, it's just like a disaster waiting to happen. They'll have good mac and cheese, though. Oh, go ahead. I'm sorry. No, and then on top of everything else, they're looking at this shitty space, and Todd goes, oh, I wish Apollo could see this.

Oh, yeah, great. I wish my convict friend could see it also. Finally, we have enough room to store all of his ATVs, and he's not even here. Yeah. So they start talking about marriage, andeter's like i was in it till i died like you know here's what happens she's on her track and i'm on my track like some people like they have really supportive wives who support their business like what do you mean yeah she refused to stop paying your lease or what exactly he literally says you know our workload was too

much for her. I'm like, that's probably because she was working, bringing in all the money, and you were doing shit. That's what the workload was. Yeah, and she's paying for your lease and your apartment in Charlotte, and you fucking some teenager on the Insta. Yeah, shut up. Shut up, stupid Peter. But then also, shut up, Cynthia, because here's Cynthia and Noel looking at a house with six bedrooms. And there are two people for six bedrooms.

Shut up on that, too. That was stupid. And stop being boring when you go house shopping. Cynthia is so boring. I was like, fast forward. Noel's like, I love the house. Of course you do. It's a 4,000 square foot, million dollar home.

Yeah. Okay. Cynthia's like, look at the lake. I'm like, it's a pond. Shut up. so for the whole bob and sheree and kyra scene i just wrote sweaty bob sweaty bob he's like you got a towel marijuana you want to talk kyro don't look at your shoes look at me and kyra's like well i'm really disappointed in myself and he's like look now marijuana

when I threw up my back I got a card because I didn't want to be one of those guys on opioids so as far as marijuana goes pass a cookie and Sheree's like what I hope that Cairo did not get his butt from Bob you learn a lesson

he's like Bob I got one question for you you got a bug spray you got a lesson you learn a lesson it's like pop i got one question for you you got bucks right you're electric you got to be you got blood um so he's basically like it's medicine it is not something to get fucked up or you know on with your friends or whatever yeah listen cairo you're too hot to get arrested okay don't waste your pretty and Sheree is like no good job Cairo no don't make your mama cry so while this is happening it's being intercut with Phaedra and um Phaedra and Portia at the DNC freaking frack it's politically back as I said um and so they Phaedra this is like intercut with Phaedra's panel you know because it was like they're talking about young black man and the trouble that happens, like the issues with the cops, et cetera, and all that awfulness. And I just was – I just – my only real notice was that Judge Mathis was there and that giselle's ex-husband was on the paddle from patelmik i'm like is this i'm so fucked up

this was actually like a meaningful scene where they're talking about serious things brother was there and he was saying they were so meaningful and all i can think about he goes oh there's giselle's ex-husband yeah um we're not here to write down meaningful things okay yeah when shit like this happens i'm like this is lovely i'm actually feeling things so i'm gonna sit here silently with respect and wait for it to pass i don't know exactly things okay but i actually did that was a pretty intelligent conversation i thought oh yeah so then but i mean it's still phaedra she's like i would like to introduce my mentor who's helping me with my new camp, but you can

find it at PhaedraParks.com. Now, thank you for coming to this talk. Yeah. So we got to see, okay, now for a real, now for the truly disturbing scene. Yes. Mama Joyce comes over. She's like, Mama,

what are you doing here? You're going to babysit? She's like, I'm going to do better than that, Candy. I'm like, oh, no. When Mama Joyce comes in with her quiet, gravelly voice, we're all in trouble. And Candy's like, we need to do something because Todd's just been walking around with his balls stinking for three days. And then it cuts to her diary room and she goes, he ain't even washing his balls right now. That's all she talks about. Riley, you gotta clean your man's balls.

What other ones do they smell? See, now that's gross. Riley. As right or wrong as Mama Joyce ever is, I love her. And it made me love her even more knowing that she's a Meemaw. She's like, you want to see Meemaw, Ace? I was like, oh, knowing that she's a meemaw she's like you want to see meemaw ace it's like oh yes i got a meemaw well i liked when so mama joyce got them like a massage set up like in the next house over so they could have some private time and i like that mama just like

they work so hard at least candy does Have you smelled Todd's nuts? Don't see us now clean those nuts. And Candy is probably as rusty as a drainpipe. So they go in there and it's all, this is the only way Candy could ever get horny. Surrounded by her own products. Yes. Her mom puts out her own sex toys for her.

That's, that's family support. support yeah and she even says she's like kind of awkward that my mom putting on my sex toys like i'm kind of awkward i was like it was no more awkward than the time you had ridiculous hit her in the face with his dick at your sex toy party i think that or how about the time when you got your mom up into like some negligee for a photo shoot for a dating website in season two i remember that when todd wiped stuff all over her butt and started eating her butt i mean he didn't eat shirtless he's like shirtless and hunched over like unflattering angles and he's just like it was just i didn't it was i i didn't i didn't still with his stupid

baseball cap above his head like how can you tease us with hot cairo and then give us todd how can you do that doesn't work uh candy coated night um so let's see here kenya and cynthia on phone blah blah who cares well no we learned that that Kenya got into a big petty fight with Matt because Kenya posted a photo with Jay-Z, like an old photo, and Matt apparently got upset about it. And so now he's staying in California because he went to visit his sister. And now he's staying there because he's mad at Kenya and he's not going to be around for his birthday.

I feel like none of that's true. And Kenya's just wanting to say Jay-Z a lot and show that fucking picture. She's like, I was the lead in a Jay-Z video. And so I posted a TBT on Insta. And he got, you know, he just got so mad. He was banging on walls and knocking stuff over. And, you know, throwing a tantrum. It's like that immaturity started to happen.

Yeah, like it's just totally normal oh you know yeah and then like you know uh kenya kenya has this atv event that was supposed to be for matt's birthday and people like lena and lena's friend what's the name again rl or something the they show up and kenya's saying yeah you know matt's in california but it would have been worse to cancel this whole event that wouldn't have been right i'm like no you were never going to cancel the event you were going to hold this event passive aggressively to highlight the fact that that you did this and matt's not even showing up for it it's passive aggressive atv writing and i approve uh yeah she's trying to be such a victim and i really like uh i like kathy calling her out on everything she's like so tell us the truth about

matt in front of the whole group yeah and she's like didn't you go to a family reunion online like it can't be her mouth like one side of her face is always like all the way up to her eye so one guy was like one of the husbands was like well you know we come from we all come from notoriety so we get it but you know you're branding yourself and not a lot of guys want to be stedman i was like you're adorable yeah but ain't an oprah in the bunch like who you kidding new person yeah well he also made a good scrubs pun i don't know if you caught that when because they were they were just finished, like, riding around. And Kandy was like, see?

Now, Dodd, I'm not going to go ride on the passenger side with Dodd again. And he's like, so what you're saying is you're not going to be riding the passenger side of your best friend's ride? And then I was like, yay, Scrubs callback. Anyway, not important. It's not important. I'm sorry, everyone. The point is I would never do this ATV nonsense. It looks crazy.

I want to see this woman play Settlers of Catan. That's what I want to see. So this guy brings up Scrubs and Stedman. Keep it current, new guy. He's great. I love him. So then. Todd, I love that Todd's response was, I think what works for me and Candy is I know how to play my position.

It's not about me. It's about you. It's like, now that's a marriage that'll last right there. Yeah. It's more like, it's not about me. It's about you and your money that I'm going to use on terrible, terrible ideas. Exactly. Like an old lady gang restaurant.

Exactly. And Kenya was saying, well, I need to get to the bottom of the core issue with me and Matt. The core issue is you're an asshole and he's a user. There. Are you ever going to stop being an asshole? No. Is he ever going to stop being a user? Most likely not.

Just hug and make up. Just tell him to leave your baseboards alone. And then suddenly a bomb is dropped on this episode. Or at least threatened. Because. At least delivered, at least delivered. This is that thing that we heard about in the news where basically a guy there was a bomb threat at Phaedra's office and then a guy shows up or maybe it's both. I don't know. But a guy showed up with a grenade threatening to blow up Phaedra's office. Yes. And Phaedra is being driven in her chauffeured whatever to um prison to see a pilot only this show could have someone could have someone threatening to murder someone with a grenade

but fucking up because that person's at the democratic national convention en route to a prison this was so funny to me because i mean this is the situation was funny but just how phadra deals with things she's like oh my secretary is calling sir please pull over for this call like you're sitting in the back seat yeah i cannot hear news about grenades when going more than 10 miles per hour it's like i'm already sitting down sir but could you please pull over so i can sit down and not be moving while i get this call so the secretary's like i don't know how to tell you this but uh we got a bomb threat towards you uh suspicious package or whatever so she calls her mom and her mom's like can't she's like phedra let's pray jesus thank you for making phedra

gorgeous thank you for making phedra the bomb she's like mom mom well i just want you to know i love you that's such an odd that's such an odd scene praying on the side of the road on your way to prison yeah hoping that everyone's safe from the grenade threat that's happening at home like i you know what only on this show only on this show i love this show and phadra's my favorite and i think phadra really she's gone through a lot of shit i mean she's caused a lot of shit as well like yeah i'm not saying she's innocent i get why people look at her as a villain but i really like phaedra and she's gone through a lot of crap on this show and by the way i mean yeah the bomb threat that's scary that's we're laughing about it but that's scary shit i mean

you know who else was laughing about it what the hell candy with her laughing voice she's like phaedra was like she came in when she announced to everybody that phaedra had the grenade in the office and everything she seemed like she was cracking up. I mean, Candy can never read the news. Everybody's going to be like, what was that 30 car pileup that killed five children funny to you, Candy? She's like, no. But she's like smiling from ear to ear. I'm surprised Candy didn't try to one it up.

Like, well, Matt has a nuclear bomb and he's going to use it on me if things don't get better. So I guess we're all going through things. Okay. Okay, Kenya. Yeah, no, we're not, Kenya. It's like, well, Matt kicked in a wall. So, you know, same difference. It's like literally not.

Matt wasn't even here to eat his Chanel cake along with his matching belt. So I get it. I guess he doesn't care that I found a Gucci belt for him. So, I mean, that's like literally not. Matt wasn't even here to eat his Chanel cake along with his matching belt. So I get it. I guess he doesn't care that I found a Gucci belt for him. So, I mean, that's like a grenade. So, you know, that's felt like my world has blown up now. I mean, police on blackmail violence or your abusive boyfriend not accepting his Gucci cake. I mean, same diff. Right, guys?

We're all victims. We're all victims. Everybody, thank you so much for listening to the Watch What Crappens podcast We have a very exciting date coming up Thursday, because it's the return of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Darling So excited to see

who's gonna put Lisa Vanderpump on the cross this year and hammer away until her hardworking hands are bloody and exhausted from feeding the poor. Cannot wait. I love me a victim Vanderpump. I will see you, Ben, and I will both see y'all on Thursday. That's right. Have a good one, everyone.

Bye. Bye. Have a good one, everyone. Bye. Hey, Prime members. You can listen to Watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com.