Watch What Crappens - #356: Becoming a Sandwich

Episode Date: December 15, 2016

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has another throwback party where Vanderpump sticks her foot in her mouth, Ladies of London talk manners, rules, and old English ladies that hate them, and Married to Medicine has a brawl at a cancer/boob party. Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. Also, check out Ronnie’s new TrashTalkTV RHOBH Audiobook podcast at tttv.podbean.com Timestamps: 0 Crappens Mailbag 21:55 RHOBH 1:32:43 Ladies of London 2:22:10 Married to Medicine See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappins would like to think. It's gorgeous sponsor, Miss Christy Doherty. We love you, Bats.

Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Ye Olde Broth. I'm Ronnie Karam from the Rose Pricks Bachelor podcast and the new Real Housewives of Beverly Hills audiobooks podcast, which you can find on iTunes, like everything else. And I'm here with the gorgeous and talented and manipulative Ben Mandelker of the B-Side blog and the Banter Blender. Hi, Ben. Oh, Ronnie, I'm so sorry I manipulated you into saying that I was manipulative.

Ronnie, I'm so sorry I manipulated you into saying that I was manipulative. I've manipulated you into saying I'm manipulative and saying you're manipulative on the manipulative podcast. Ronnie, I just want to say that I'm sorry that your pet died when you were younger. That's all. I just heard about it. I just heard about it two days ago. Did you think I was going to apologize for something else? Never. I'm sorry about President Kennedy being assassinated.

I just heard about it a day ago. I'm so sorry for your country that you've had so many assassinations over the years. I just heard about them all grover cleveland who knew president kennedy just couldn't take a joke he didn't understand british humor darling did grover cleveland actually get assassinated i can't remember he's part of that like that 20-year span of forgettable presence but mckinley oh darling i'm so sorry about mckinley you say grover gets assassinated i'm like oh my god someone attacked the muppets this terrorism is getting out of control everybody thanks for listening to our show to find all our links go to watch what

crappens.com and to become a subscriber premium subscriber and get our bonus episodes and google hangouts and ringtones at all go over to patreon.com slash watch what crap ends and thank you so much to everybody who supports us there you make our life worth living darlings and um watch what crap ends is also on facebook uh you can talk about the shows as they air with other listeners and us we'd love to laugh at those comments and i think that's it ben yeah um and for those history wonks out there robert cleveland was not assassinated it was james a garfield you know another cartoon character that does not need to be assassinated i mean garfield what did he want to do he just wanted grilled cheeses he just wanted to eat all day

oh yeah he just wanted lasagna lasagna he just wanted lasagna and to get into his little box and guess what happened he was shot by od and probably and you know who's probably behind it nerwhal or nerwhal whatever his name was the cutest cat in the world her name od shot him by accident probably because od is an idiot od is an idiot he is a huge idiot let's just let's get this let's get this out of the way odie is actually one of the most annoying cartoon characters of all time just getting in garfield's way when all that poor cat wants is lasagna and a nap poor odie poor stupid odie he's like a one season housewife he's like 25 000 He's like $25,000. He's the Dana of comic strips.

He's in jail somewhere. Did you see? Did you see? $25,000. Well, let's get on with it, Ben. What do you want to talk about first? We've got a big show. Well, I mean, it's always a big show, I guess. I was looking on iTunes and I was like, holy Jesus, we're like five times the length of other podcasts.

You know that? I know. But that being said, we got up to number five. All our little ballers, holler, baller, the only ones that are as long as us are like Westworld and like really

serious shows. Yeah, I know. It's like film spotting or whatever it is slash film. And they're like, let's talk an hour about Godot. And then we're like, let's talk an hour about Godot. And then we're like, let's talk an hour about boobs.

Let's talk about, let's talk an hour about God. No. Let's talk about prime cocktails for an hour. I think I'll have one of each of the prime cocktail observations. I just love her more as she falls the deeper and deeper she falls. I just love seeing them more and more. Yeah, me too.

She's like a Morrissey song. Well, let's do some mailbag, shall we, BN? Okay, so Crap It's Mailbag. Well, we have a bunch of things in here wow 18 we have 18 things in here let's just start with the first thing i'm ready yeah well this here we'll start with this one because this is from violet kuchar kuchar violet i hope we got uh kuchar kuchar kuchar kuchar um violet says dear ronnie and ben long time listener but first time mailer welcome violet welcome into the fold you're being immortalized onto our podcast so now she says this first i have to tell you how much i love the podcast especially with the impersonations i have a very special request that I hope you will fulfill for me.

I was recently diagnosed with colon cancer and started chemotherapy two weeks ago. As part of my recovery, I like to visualize tiny people coming into my veins through my chemotherapy bag and going to the tumor and attacking it. and going to the tumor and attacking it. For example, I like to think of a tiny little Beyonce going up to my tumor in my butt and singing Irreplaceable or really any of her songs about kicking a man to the curb. Or, I'm already like really into this, by the way. To the left, to the left, my colon to the left. Listen, if Beyonce were in our chemotherapy, I think there would no longer be cancer because she just fixes everything, right?

If Beyonce were in our chemotherapy, I think there would no longer be cancer because she just fixes everything, right? Or I will picture a tiny little Pac-Man coming in and nibbling away at my tumor. Anyway, I need your help to provide a sound accompaniment to a dream visualization of mine. Would you please be so kind to pretend to be Captain Lee and Shannon Bedore traveling into my colon and telling my tumor to get out. Please feel free to add in any other Bravo celebs who you think you might want to travel into my butt and yell at my tumor. Please, please, please, please, please. Violet Kuchar from Washington, D.C. Oh, my God.

Feel better, girl. Dang. Yeah. By the way, I love Violet's outlook on this. Violet's like, yes, I am in this situation, but I'm not going to let it take me down. So good for you, first of all, and good for you for visualizing Beyonce in your butt. I appreciate that. Do you know how many people have probably visualized Beyonce in their butt for non-health

reasons? How could it ever not be a health reason? So many people have wasted the images of Beyonce in their butt when she could have really been doing some good in there. Okay, so I'll be Captain, you be Shannon, yeah? Sure, sure.

Okay. All right, it's windy. It's windy in this tunnel. What the hell? Goddamn wind. What the hell, goddamn wind? It's like dragging my dick through a cornfield full of glass bottles that have been broken over moronic alcoholic heads. This ain't your goddamn party cruise. Right? Tumor?

Tumor? Here lies Shannon Bedore, killed by Tumor's infidelity towards me. But you know what, though? Things with me and the Tumor are better than ever before because we're so happy. Happy because the Tumor's infidelity towards me. But you know what, though? Things with me and the tumor are better than ever before because we're so happy. Happy because the tumor's leaving. Happy. Now listen here, Tumor.

You're being an asshole. All right? Get the hell out of here. Here's what we got room for in here. We got room for food and undigested corn. That's it. Get out of here. Here's what we got room for in here. We got room for food and undigested corn. That's it. Get out of here, tumor. Do I want a tumor?

No. Do I need a tumor? No. But am I still happy? Yes. I started tumors, Megan. Who's this? Who's this?

I'm sorry. There's a Dr Who's this? I'm sorry. There's a Dr. Moon. We have an emergency. I think that there's a tumor up my asshole. Oh, no. It's just a piece of plastic from. No, no. There's nothing at all.

Well, thankfully, David stuck his thumb up there and it all worked out. It turns out that calling people the C word is just the tumor's tagline that's all oh my god feel better over there girl we love you pilot let us keep us updated on everything and let us know what other impersonations uh we can do to to help attack the tumor uh and you will we are we are certain you will emerge on on top of this. Still like to the left, to the left, to the left. Yeah. Beyonce. Yeah, Beyonce.

All right. Daffy, one, two, two, seven. Okay, Daffy went crazy. So I think we have to – Daffy wrote like four questions. We're only going to take some. Maybe we'll come back in the future and get through some others. But Daffy says, okay, I have ADD, so I'm asking these questions as they come to me. It's like I have a caffeinated monkey in control of a TV remote.

Thank God for Adderall when I take it. Number one, what makes Padma qualified to be a judge on Top Chef? I never see her cook, and she acts like she is above it all. Well, she may not be a cook, but she knows how to stir the pot hello chefs padma today we are making a shrimp take a shrimp for the road i love padma's dead pants someone just wrote us a comment saying one of their friends was working on Top Chef this season. They're like, Padma's basically wasted in every episode, but she's very nice. Yeah. I think the reason why Padma was brought onto the show originally 10 years ago is that the original Pretty co-host was Katie Lee Joel, who was married to Billy Joel at that time and was pretty and had some sort of culinary background uh but she was very wooden so then they were like okay we got to get rid of her

we'll bring on padma lakshmi who also padma i think had a cooking show uh i believe before tough she had a cooking but she had a cookbook she was married to salman rushdie who obviously had access to publishers and uh she uh but not publishers but not uh he did not had access to publishers. Publishers, but he did not have access to walking down the street. Freely. True. She's like, well, at least I don't have to go out with the ugly guy. He's stuck inside or he'll be murdered.

Yeah. But she had a cookbook before, and I don't know. I mean, compared to Katie Lee Joel, she's like Miss Personality, this one. You know? Katie Lee Joel is like, derr. They'd be like, okay, Katie Lee Joel, say your line. I mean, she was even more deadpan than Padma. But I feel like Padma, like, really feels her deadpan. Like, she's really in there feeling it deeply.

You know? Like, when she tries to cry. I'm really sorry. Please pack your knives and go and like to her that's like a scene from color purple where she's like sobbing on the ground like i can really feel her feeling it i think people forget what it was like when padma first arrived on top chef because we had sat through a season of this show that was a spin-off essentially of project runway at that time bravo like its marquee show was project runway and everyone talked about that show and uh bravo was going

into this space of like um like high culture competition shows because then there was top chef and then later there was top design and um and there was, I think, a lot of hope behind Top Chef. People were really excited by it. was on the panel, but was a personality and Heidi Klum and Michael Kors and Nina Garcia. And then you had Katie Lee Joel and Tom Colicchio. And it just was felt a little kind of dull. came on it was like whoa here is this like drop dead gorgeous woman with this sort of slinky attitude and this drawl and everything she said is sort of just like sexy she's like chefs i don't taste a lot of paprika in this and you're like whoa like i'm gay but i'm like going crazy over here you know and don't forget the bikini and the fur the fur vest like that i think that was one of her first outfits was in the beach challenge she wore a bikini and the fur vest. I think that was one of her first outfits was in the beach challenge.

She wore a bikini and a fur vest and then just walked around in a hat and all day. Yeah, it was like who it was. She was such a breath of fresh air from Katie Lee Joel and invigorated this franchise with like a sex appeal and something exciting and something to talk about beyond just the food that um i think the the franchise has been sort of indebted to that and i think that's why she is really around i mean i actually try i trust padma's taste also possible blow jobs to tom uh you know my short answer back back when i was back like uh like five years ago uh remember that website connection were you ever on that no no so but connection i just said yeah to be friendly but i don't know connection was this social media site for gays uh and it was ostensibly just you

know this is where it was like gay friendster but it was essentially like a dating site um and i remember talking with a guy on there and he was like a pa on top chef and he he told me a whole bunch of stories about padma and tom but i don't know if any of them are actually true because none of them that seemed to be verified but he was like padma such a diva like we had to get her a special mattress for las vegas her hotel room in vegas and then she and tom don't get they can't even stand to be around each other but i don't know if that's true i don't think that's true i think they were trying to spread that because there were rumors that tom was cheating with padma padma as he would call it oh really yeah that's why i say tom blowjobs that was the rumor that

they were boning and you i mean they do act like they're boning sometimes they're really flirty and sometimes they're you know like hateful right but who knows i mean that could just be alcoholism so what uh what else is in that mailbag being we'll read one more but by the way one little ps from daffy uh she bought a casper mattress for her 13 year old and and she loves it so thank you thank you for supporting our sponsor um mike bowman let's just go right to mike bowman here who's who asked mike mike mike from green bay he uh he says hey guys what gift would you give luann for her upcoming wedding can you believe it she's getting married oh i would give her um i would give her reading glasses from duane reed because i'm very poor but i would give her two pairs one because i think she's that kind of person who would wear

glasses to look smart you know how sonia does that she's like look i'm very i actually have a brain i'm wearing glasses at home i would give those to her but i would give her two pairs so that she could give one to everybody she shows her ring to she could be like do you want to look at it closer here's some glasses girls can you believe it you know it was funny that my like instinctual response to mike's question was not me even trying to be funny like oh wouldn't this be a funny response my first reaction was i would get her a george foreman grill i don't know why i don't know why i felt that i just was suddenly felt compelled to get her a george foreman grill and i think it would

she would like it because luann would then go tell her would you believe it george foreman himself got me his grill george foreman came to our wedding you should have seen the gift he got me girls yeah he actually made a grill put his name on it signed it and gave it to me can you believe it sonia's gonna come out with a like george sonia grill or something it's like the exact same thing but with her face taped over the george foreman picture and beth Bethany will be both offended and confounded by it. She'll be offended. She'll be like, this is a cheater brand. There's already a George Foreman girl.

I don't get it. Why are you doing this? But then she'd also be confounded. Wait, so it's like a grill that closes on itself? So the grill's like a book. It's like a book grill. It's like, where are the pages? I don't see the chapters.

I don't understand how this works. You put food in this? Why did you put food in your book? You can't do that. It's like, honestly, don't explain it anymore. Kill me now. Honestly, it's just like, put my head in the grill and just burn it food in your book like you like you can't do that it's like literally like honestly like don't explain it more like kill me now like honestly it's just like put my head in the grill and just like burn it to death like i can't like leave my walls are up oh and related news bethany broke up with her married boyfriend

oh that's all i wonder i don't have any details gone wrong either he was married or he saw her on tv it was like whoa or his family got sick of her calling for affirmation of random things. She'd be like, what? I paid that parking ticket. I'm calling my boyfriend's daughter. What do you say? Tell him.

Tell him everything. Do you remember me paying it? Yes. You came through the back door and you got the parking ticket and you wrote a check. All right. Bye.

Click. She probably does it everywhere. She's like at Chipotle calling up the boyfriend and being like, I didn't know what this involved. I wanted a burrito. Like, no, no. Like, no. Listen, I told my boyfriend.

This is how I listen. I'm calling up right now. It was first in line. Me or that lady? Okay. My boyfriend's daughter is going to tell you. First, you came to the back door and then you ordered a sandwich before that other lady came in. Yeah. See? came to the back door and then you ordered a sandwich before that other lady came in yeah she's just gonna have her own siri you know where it's just like form things

yes bethany you were right you have always that just fills in the blank you have always been in line before we close it up laurie we have to wish your hubby bill a belated happy birthday love you bill i love a husband he listens to crappins it's like my favorite thing ever when people are like my husband even listens now yeah so happy birthday bill you have a wonderful wonderful wife we love laurie and as your mother would say, happy birthday, William. Yes, a week ago. His birthday, I think, was a week ago.

So, anyway. Anyway. well people i think it's time to talk about what we're eating at home okay yeah stop ordering food stop stopping on your way home from work because you don't feel like cooking hello hello flesh hello flesh oh god it. It's the zombie delivery platform. You guys, stop stopping for food and eat your neighbor. Okay? Yeah. Run out of food at home, don't worry. Eat your neighbor.

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It's all delivered to your doorstep in a special insulated box. For free! For free! Now, we actually got HelloFresh, and it is delicious. Yeah. It's a box that comes with everything you need. It's, like, very minimal prep. Even when they're like, oh, here's some radicchio, it's already box it comes with everything you need it's like very minimal prep even when they're like oh here's some radicchio it's already portioned and everything you just give it a little

chop and throw it in the throw it in the pan delicious delicious work hello fresh radicchio more like ready dicchio because it was ready for you it was ready that radicchio was ready for you yes hello fresh makes top chef believable when they're like you have 20 minutes to make this Because it was ready for you. It was ready. That ridiculous ready for you. Yes. HelloFresh makes Top Chef believable. When they're like, you have 20 minutes to make this. Because they say that when you get the recipes. You know, there's pictures. Everything's color-coded.

Because it comes with meals for the week. So it's all color-coded so you know what to use and when. And they'll tell you, it's like 30 minutes to make this. And it literally takes 30 minutes. Yeah. It works. and they'll tell you it's like 30 minutes to make this and it literally takes 30 minutes yeah yeah it works and um uh as i've mentioned a few times on this podcast it has revolutionized pork chops for me i am now cooking pork chops all the time i saved my little hello fresh recipe like the little booklet that comes with how to cook it and it's like it's now my like go-to pork chop thing. I loved it. I loved it. Yeah, it was good stuff.

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Really good stuff. So, Ben, what would you like to talk about first? We've got Beverly Hills. We've got Married to Medicine and Lads of Lums. I think it's time for some Beverly Hills. Let's do her. Don, don, don, don, don. Beverly Hills. We've manipulated

you into listening. Don, don, don, don, don. You know, by the way, I forgot to mention, I drove by Pump the other night, and there were all sorts of police cars, and Richardson, the head waiter, was talking to a police officer. So something happened, perhaps pertaining to DJ James Kennedy and a headlock. Oh, my God. I feel like Richard Richardson is the most charming, well-spoken waiter there.

And whenever people are called for whatever reason, police, the food inspector, I don't know, whatever happens, they're like, get Richardson out here. And he's like, here's what happened. He's all, like, very calm. And somewhere James is just automatically crying. Lisa, I swear, I didn't mean to do it. They're like, James, you weren't even there. Don't worry about it. But, Lisa.

Hope you're okay, Pump. Yeah. Hope you all are okay. That's the point yeah okay so beverly hills people are giving this show a lot of shit on the internet for being boring i yeah here's what i say beverly hills is always about nothing that's like the whole point of beverly hills they don't even really try i mean some of the newbies try like Like, this Dorit is trying really hard. She's going to be starting fights. There's another newbie named Eden Sassoon. I mean, she's from the Hare dynasty. She's got to be crazy and have some drama. Yeah.

But for the most part, Beverly Hills will, like, literally eat breakfast for an entire episode, and I still enjoy it. I don't know why. Yeah, I think context is everything, and this is a major franchise that is coming on the heels of a huge Real Housewives of New York City season followed by a crazy Orange County season. So when Beverly Hills comes and they're having sort of like a polite start to the season where everyone's just sort of getting along and just sort of chatting and we're sort of patching up things from last season. In comparison, it feels um stayed but i i have faith in it and i'm not bored yeah i'm not bored either um since i noticed something new in the intro every week i just have to point out kyle saying she can spot a fake then the next shot is her, like, throwing her head back to laugh. And, God, it's like looking under the mask. Girl. She's like, I know how to spot a fake.

It's like that face. Make a different line. Oh. Oh. I don't know. I'll have to look out for that. There's too much face numbing. You've been profoundly disturbed by this.

Yeah, she's a very pretty face. Yeah, she's a very pretty face. It's just, you know, stop stabbing your face, okay? Stop stabbing your face with needles. It's like that spirit from Spirited Away. Sort of like that mask and it sort of floats around. Anyway, so the episode begins with Kyle and Lisa Rinna driving around in a Lamborghini wearing Mauricio's hats that say the agency because his dumb real estate agency does not get enough free publicity. Why does he need to advertise it on TV?

I mean, he's selling selling mega mansions he's like he's famously doing incredibly well here in los angeles you don't need to hawk it on tv well kyle's one of those ladies that no matter how much money she has she wants more money and you know good for her that's what makes her rich probably but uh kyle used to be the most obnoxious to me as far as bragging about money i mean every scene would be like oh here i am in my whatever you know my rose gold this and my razz all that and kyle actually looks subtle this season compared to like dorito yeah yeah yeah um so they're driving around look at my lambo Look at my Lambo Lisa Rinna looks terrified As always

Like don't put Lisa Rinna in a car She looks terrified in every car she ever gets in She's like what are you backing up right now Oh my god watch out Watch out There could be a car there There might be a car there baby Baby I would be much more comfortable in a Volvo baby

Give me some good passenger side airbags, baby. I'll own that, baby. I'm just a normal person. I don't need a fancy car. Just be careful when you back up. I thought we're going out to eat lamb, not drive in a lamb boat. Get it?

Forgive me. Forgive me, listeners. I don't know what's wrong. You know, I've noticed that Mauricio has a tendency to fund a new car every single season and like a big new lavish car. And at first it was like, oh, OK. You know, I mean, they got, you know, I think they got the kid like a really I forgot. It was some some fancy car. Then Kyle gets a Maserati.

Now they've got a Lamborghini. Maybe it's me. I'm starting to feel like Mauricio may just be awful. Oh, of course. Like he is – like Mauricio has long been the favorite housewife of – househusband of housewife fans because he's attractive and he seems to have a good head on his shoulders. He has a good perspective. He doesn't get too much into the fray. He supports his wife.

But, you know, there's something about, I don't know, there's something about that Lamborghini that made me start feeling a certain way about Mauricio that was not totally positive. He's a total douchebag. But I think why I accept him is because he was poor i mean i assume he was poor um because he married into kyle's family who is like wealthy as hell and kyle was like listen here douchebag we need more money than kathy okay kathy is always the richest most popular famous one her daughter gave a blow job on tv i need more money than Kathy. I think that's what drives Kyle, you know? Yeah. And so I feel like he's just a good husband.

He's a douchebag, but he's just doing it to please his wife. Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying that he is awful or anything like that. It's just suddenly, like, my radar started to ping. Like, you know, Marissa may not be the man I thought he was. I started to have like a moment. And I realize I'm just totally deriving it from the stupid scene with the Lamborghini. But still.

I think it's really dangerous what he's doing for Los Angeles. I mean, he's married to a cross-eyed woman. She's done so many stabs in her face that her eyes just randomly cross. Don't give her the most powerful car in the world. Like she's only going to run people over. It's like buying Kim Richards a car. I mean, she mean she's drunk but still they're both disabled in some way stop driving how about you get her a driver yeah you know i think that i would actually prefer to have the money that would go into a lamborghini just to have a driver i think i'd prefer to be

driven around than to be in a fancy car like i don't i don't need a fancy car i've been driving my camry for 10 years and before that i was driving another camry and i don't i personally don't know if i'm gonna go that much far beyond the camry in my life because i'm very happy with it yeah you could buy like five people for what that car costs i think ladies of london does it right they concentrate more on the people that they can buy over the things that they can buy they're just always buying people it's very british so the best part of this scene to me like nothing happened in the scene literally lisa rena was just doing her i'm just being positive because i forgive i forgive baby i can drive this car not be mad at lisa vanderpump because i forgive and also she did nothing to you like literally nothing

to you but the best part of this scene was them showing the clip of eating at five guys yes no i think it was in and out oh it was i thought it was yeah i saw the little palm trees on the cup oh my god i'm mortified i know they got a prayer on their cup then. Yes. That's what, yeah. Yeah, they went to, there was a flashback of Dorit and Lisa and Kyle going to In-N-Out after Erica's party because there was no food there. Yeah, Erica, who has no budget, I'm sure. Yeah.

Could you imagine being in that In-N-Out and these three housewives come in dressed like they're from the 70s to order In-N-Out? That's like the dream. That's like almost better than being in the In-N-Out when Hilary Swank went there after the Oscars. Oh, that time of night in West Hollywood. I mean, they just probably look like crazy drag queens, you know, having their last burger of the night. They probably weren't the only ones. It was probably like the staff of the Hamburger Mary's Drag Queen bingo at the next table. What club do you guys work at? Leslie Stahl was at another table.

Leslie Stahl! Everyone comes in and out. Yeah, fluorescent lighting, you really see what their faces look like. But it was worth it to watch them eat hamburgers. Yeah. lighting you really see what their faces look like uh but it was worth it to watch them eat hamburgers yeah um so then um sort of intercut with this um are lisa and ken going over to a paddock was similar to Cirque du Soleil and I asked for the retired horses. How about you go get an animal that's not broke? What's wrong with that horse?

Well, the animal is just retiring, that's all. You know what that means in horse language. Put him down. Put him down. Yeah. But I wanted a white horse. I've only. Yeah. But I wanted a white horse. I've only had little horses. I wanted a white, big horse.

Do you have a horse with a winky that needs to be brought back to life, darling? I'm sorry I manipulated you out of retirement, horse. Prince Tarden. This is like the cocoon moment for that horse. He's like, life with the Vanderpomps. Lisa's flirting with her horse is hilarious. He's showing me his winky. Put your winky away, darling.

Oh, my God. Yeah, well, that horse is definitely going to be living the high life now. I think the only better option for that horse would be to graduate up to that horse dancing thing that happens in Vienna, the Spanish riding school or whatever. That sounds like cruelty. um i wouldn't know there's like this very famous thing in vienna austria where a bunch of white horses train and then they do a whole show they do a whole show where they go around in circles and they dance they go to formations and like it's like dressage times 12 it's hard to not be depressed about that because vienna sausages it makes me think those horses don't end up with Vanderpumps at the end of their life. They end up in children's stomachs.

I'm sorry. I'm cracked out this morning. I don't even know why I'm talking about the Spanish riding school of Vienna. I don't know. I'm sorry. Ronnie, take it over. Why not? We all learned something. I didn't know that happened. Like, wow, Vienna. Never going there. That's like the stinkiest take it over why not we all learned something i didn't know that happened like wow vienna never

going there can you imagine that's like the stinkiest dance class of all time it's just horse shit everywhere horses don't even wait they just poop wherever they are that's gross and the crazy thing is that erica's gay mikey is the choreographer okay horses lift those fucking hooves okay i want to see some hooves, horses. Come on. Yes, batch. Pick up that dollar with your ass crack, batch. Do this next. Yes, batch.

Okay, that one's got a big ass. That one's got a big ass. That horse has less of an ass. Okay, you're cut. Sausage time. That horse is flushing, batch. Did this horse make me look bad, Erica? Okay, good. Batch, I knew

it didn't. You know how in dating apps you're supposed to put your relationship goals or what you're looking for? I just want Ken. I don't even care. I don't need him to be 90 or whatever, and I don't need him in a straw white fedora

with Gadzook's paint splatters on it. But I just need someone to stand there and be like, you're doing great, darling. It's wonderful. You're riding a horse over there. That's my wife over there riding a horse. I'm so glad. What's the next level, darling?

What's it going to be? What would you like me to pick up for you, darling? Armadillo. Armadillo. Armadillo. Don't poop enough, Ken. His name is Shelly, because he curls up into a shell.

His name is Winky, darling. Winky the Armadillo. We've all met Hanky and Prince Tardin and Harrison and Jiggy. And now everyone meets Winky. She just pulls up an armadillo that's like curling up and trying to hide

away from the world. She's nuzzling the armadillo. But it has to be like a half run over armadillo. Whenever you drive through Texas or Arizona, you see them all over. It's like you ran over half the armadillo. At least finish the job, those poor things. I rescued him from the road.

Lisa, I think your armadillo may actually be dead. No, it's the rare flat back armadillo. He's alive. I've made a special sweater for him to cover the broken parts. I'm trying to raise awareness about broken armadillos. We go on speaking tours with Gigi. Please stop eating broken armadillos in Eurasia, darling. This has to stop.

We're going to do an armadillo march down to In-N-Out. At like the wrong building. City Bank is's gonna be like why is that weird lady out there doing an armadillo march what the hell did we do hell no we won't go

we're here we're queer and we refuse to drive over armadillos anymore we're here we're queer get used to our dumb armadillos anymore. We're here. We're queer. Get used to our dumb armadillo city bank city hall. City bank or city hall. Where are we, darling?

I'm afraid that you're at the Chichilaru store. Yes, darling. Let's get a dildo for this armadillo. Look, he's so happy. Winky's happy now. Look at him playing with that dildo. Armadillo. Look, he's so happy. Winky's happy now. Look at him playing with that dildo.

Armadillo dildo. Armadillo dildo. We could feel like we're slowing start because it's early morning, but eventually an Armadillo dildo will make an appearance and everything's okay again. That's part of a protest. It's like a symbol of the Armadillo's progress. Like, look, he's alive after all. Look at the way he's playing with it. So Lisa cannot, you know, almost fuck a horse on camera without ending with how mean everybody is to her.

So she tells Ken, oh, Ken, by the way, that party, I told Dorit To be nice to all the ladies Who were evil cows to me Ken It was a nice party over there And she really enjoyed it She's like You know I could have told Dorit About how they were big fat cows

And mean cows to me But I didn't Maybe I should have but i didn't because i'm that good and then of course later on she's like well erica jane was rather warm to me which is out of character for her she is literally like that like she didn't say the words you know vicious cows or whatever so she that technically she's telling the truth but she's so malicious of course she sat down with Dorit and told her everything oh could you believe that Erica Jane was respectful towards me instead of punching me in the throat and calling me a

dirty old whore lady like she normally does darling Ericaane i did like that part because when they got back to erica jane being warm to her at her party she's like well hello lisa welcome back to my home lisa like i've never seen her have that much i. I know. I actually liked it. I felt like it was, like, a natural, like, that's what we've been wanting. We keep saying, you know, she's this quote-unquote gay icon or whatever. She's surrounded by gays, but she never seems like she's fun. That was a moment where I was like, okay, now I'm starting to get behind Erika Jayne more. Like, more where I want to be. I felt like it was her how you talk to old people voice, you know?

She's, like, screaming really loudly. where i want to be i felt like it was her how you talk to old people voice you know she's like screaming really loudly did you see the cake okay she can hear what retirement homes have you been in lately it's like how many times can you get people excited for like shuffleboard or whatever you know uh all the time for me so uh now we go over to dorit's house uh where we meet parents shalom and rachel a regular name i don't think so unless you're a model yeah shalom harlow anyone anyone no i didn't i didn't get it i didn't i don't know models she was like a famous model but i don't think it's i don't think it's a famous name i mean i mean just name why don't you i'm not famous but like no a popular name well jared's lucky she's not a boy because

if she got named after her dad like the american version she'd just be welcome you know hi welcome which would make sense actually for her well she could also be goodbye i mean shalom means hello goodbye and peace so there are a lot of ways it could go hello i'm salutation i love that my father is so many different things hello and goodbye i he's a man of many different qualities um so she uh so dorit's just like with her parents um and her mom has found like uh like a big old sort of like a middle eastern israeli flatbread thing and i love that dorit's like where did you find that and her mom's like i used google bitch it's like right there in west holland i mean could you read don't be like first generation you know american with from israeli parents and living in los angeles for two years

and you have no idea where the israeli stores are i mean you just go down fairfax there's like three right there you don't even have to go to the israeli stores it's a pretty typical bread i've eaten it i love a bread that comes in sheets yes yeah. Yeah, you can get it at John's. You can get it from the Israeli grocer on Fairfax there right near Cantor's. There's one on Pico. There's a million. Crazy thing to bring me, mum. Where did you find such wonderful exotic things for me, mum? Sometimes I just spend so much time in Beverly Hills where I live,

because I live in Beverly Hills, because I know I'm wealthy now, that I just don't get out of my bubble and see the places that are outside of Beverly Hills where I live. You bring me things I can only not get here, moon. I'm like, this is not anything crazy, you idiot. It's like, peanut butter? Mom, you've outdone yourself, you quiz. Her fucking fake accent is so terrible. I love how for Dorit, later on, it's pretty conceivable to her that her husband's going to buy her some Tiffany-colored car.

And yet the idea of finding flap red is blowing her mind it's more conceivable to get a car than the flap red yeah now is her you know her braggadocious money which is not a word sorry i heard that in the news i'm an i'm an american of 2017 all right not that's not she uh she's offended that her husband wanted to buy her a tiffany blue car she's like i would not be able to fake a smile buenos dias yeah shut up dorit um she um her the whole thing is that pk is going to be uh throwing a birthday party for to read for her 40th and he's not letting her plan any of it and she is a control

freak and she has a hard time letting go of control and pk won't know what to do um and it's kind of funny because pk is like there's gonna be a big surprise and she's never gonna find out about it like i'm gonna get her a car she'll never know and then she's like so i think he's getting be a big surprise and she's never gonna find out about it like i'm gonna get her a car she'll never know and then she's like so i think he's getting me a car good one dk you really kept that one under wraps their fight with the party planner was funny well it wasn't a fight but like she was berating him in front of the party planner and she's like well you don't understand we need lights and doors with special doors. What if we put on air conditioning? And he's like, no, look, yeah, well, you don't understand.

I'll do what I'll do with precision, darling. You are both fucking ridiculous, okay? I know. So then when that moment happened with the Tiffany, the potential Tiffany colored car car and she's like i wouldn't be able to deal with it if it was a tiffany colored car um then you know he calls her out and she's worried it's gonna be a blue car but don't worry it's a bentley that is like a hideous quote rose tinted gold which doesn't make it any better it looks like a giant penny it's it's so nouveau that everybody's obsessed with rose tinted gold like you know

new money when they're obsessed with iphone colors yeah yeah yes thank you thank you she's like does it have a decent grip on it darling don't want to drop it while i'm trying to talk on it it's a fucking car you idiot uh she's just trying to swipe it. It won't unlock, darling. Darling, where do I enter in my passcode? It can't find me location. So now is Kyle's exercise class of the year, because that's what Kyle does. Every year, she's like, fuck exercise.

And this year, last year was the best, because it was that SoulCycle thing with that flaming Mikey guy. Yes, bitch! Pedal, bitch! Kyle's like, oh, my God. No one has ever done this kind of exercise. It's like a bike, Kyle. It's a bike. Yeah.

Okay. And this time it's rowing. She's like, this is the newest exercise ever. And the gay guy, he's like the newer, calmer kind of exercise queen. He's like this is the newest exercise ever and the gay guy he's like the newer calmer kind of exercise queen he's like okay everybody now row to the left row to the right row to the it's a rowing machine kyle uh yeah yeah it was just sort of like a really stupid scene. And then after that, we saw Eileen getting ready at work for their shooting, like the 11,000th episode of Young and the Restless, which is crazy. And they showed flashbacks to Eileen in 1982. And let me tell you something.

Yesterday, I went to a taping of Jeopardy. And Jeopardy, I learned, has been around since 1983. Of course, that's readily available information, but I just never knew how old it really was. So Eileen predates Jeopardy. Eileen is a soap star, is older. Her soap career is older than Jeopardy. When she started, there was no Jeopardy. Think about that. And think about that and think about like

how exhausted alec trebek is or alex trebek oh yeah and then put that on to eileen like one of our first lines of this episode is uh she's telling her person like her wart her tawny if you will she's like um we need to retire these shoes they're just they're more painful they're just painful it's time to retire them i'm like yes take your own advice go lay down stop giving your husband access to your bank account and take a damn break this cannot be fun for you doing this every day cannot be fun it's not like ashley's an exciting character i mean if she was still doing days of our late lives playing like 19 you know, all with different sets of buck teeth, then okay. But Ashley, boring.

Yeah, and that's all that really happened in that scene, right? She just sat down with the producer. Well, the part where they showed clips because they were doing the remember when things and she's like oh yes back in the 80s i remember this time i did a scene with my dad and her dad's like well i don't want to mess up your hip clothes and she goes oh daddy this these clothes aren't hip and i was like oh god it's like your whole life was put on tv before you even got here. Young and the Stylist. So Erica is the next part.

Mikey is in the studio for her new song, Expensive. Expensive. That song's called Expensive. It's expensive. Erica walks in and she's like, let's see what these hoes are up to. Like, I don't give a fuck. Just hoes. Look at me.

I'm with gays. I call people hoes. And Mikey is like, okay, bitch. Like, Mikey is the most terrifying gay to have as a choreographer because he's wearing more makeup than you. Then he's making you do awful things like the splits. And those aren't just the splits. Those are slam your vagina on the ground splits those are some bruising splits those were not nice yeah well i liked when mikey was like i want to

put a group of like really bombshell bitches together okay i'm like i realized at that moment that mikey was probably named after the phrase okay they're They're like, okay, Mikey. Okay, just saying everything. I feel like if I was Mikey's friend, I would get him little round pads of cotton dipped in witch hazel. I mean, girl. No. I don't know what witch hazel even does.

It's a good makeup remover. Oh. I mean, it's just getting to be too much. He looks like a doll version of himself i don't like it you're cute enough without makeup okay natural so so mikey puts these dancers do their paces they're doing the splits they're doing everything um and and then once they're once the dancers are gone it's time to make the selection uh of who who gets to go on tour for or who gets to be part of this music video for expansive and uh mikey's process is basically like bitty bitty bitty small bitty

sorry like oh is this gonna be the new playground game yeah that's where he calls someone fleshy booty booty booty sorry he's like oh i'm the fleshy one again like go stand in the corner and i except his version because it sounds like it would be like duck duck goose but his version is that you just go bitty booty booty sorry and then you just stand there and you just stare at the person with just like you can leave now it's like the opposite of a cake walk like when you lose you have to actually eat the cake in front of everybody all right eat it look at this stupid booty girl she's running around in a circle trying to tag someone like we're not going anywhere you're the one when erica is explaining to us why she named her new song expensive she's like it's a fun song super fancy

it's super erica j that's what expensive means i'm like it literally does not mean any of that stop trying to give new definition to new words you made up by taking out vowels Is it spelled without a vowel? Yes. It's like X-P-E-N-S-I-V-E or something. You know she ain't going to spell anything right. Maybe she's just thinking that at one point in her life she was pensive, and now she's not. So she's X-pensive. I decided to stop thinking about things. I'm not going to think things through anymore.

That's what expenses do. Booty, booty, booty, small booty, sorry. Sorry. She's so mad at Bubba Sparks for already having a song. It goes, booty, booty, booty, booty, rock it everywhere. She'll probably just rip it off and, you know, take out the vowels. How many booties do I have? None.

This is my 10th video. It's my 10th video. It's like, yeah, and this one you're not having to, like, shoot out ping pongs from your twat at, like, some donkey's face. Congratulations, you're moving up in the world. When they showed, like like the clips of all her videos i was like oh girl they all sounded the same except for the last one the last one was like like a little different because the last one she was like okay instead of just doing generic club music house music i'm just gonna do kind of a generic ripoff of gwen stefani 10 years later. Yeah. But everything else was like,

Pain killer. I'm a lady killer. Killer killer. Sexy minx. Temperature. It's like, whore. It's like, just taking the O out doesn't make it different than whore, okay? I like the part where they showed her

rubbing her vagina in the tube, because it's not just like a path to piss, which is her signature move. And it's not like I don't know. It's just weird how she does it because she like really grabs her vag. It's like when people I have this friend who likes to come up and touch the back of my weenus, you know, the back of your elbow. They call it the skin. And she like plays with it, and that's what it reminds me of. It's gross. Every time I see it, I'm like,

please don't make me watch that. I need Erika Jayne to move into her Tony Bennett phase, you know? Doing duets with Lady Gaga. This one is me doing duets with Dad Frank Sinatra. It's like, yes. I want to

see, I want to hear you saying, like, fly me to the moon. Fly me to the moon, or anywhere. I mean, I don't care. Just fly me somewhere on my plane. Oh, good. So over at Rinna's house, they're making

zoodles. And she's like, can I put an eggplant in there? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.'s like, can I put an eggplant in there? Can I have noodle-ized this bowling ball? It's like, no, Lisa, you're wacky. Yeah, you're wacky. I was horrified. Lisa Rinna, don't you dare put an eggplant in the spiralizer.

Don't you dare. My daughters are growing up so fast. Who's going to teach me not to put an eggplant in the spiralizer? What, what, what, what, what? I shredded 19 rolls of paper towels before I realized what that thing was for. Is this supposed to cut my nails? I try to cook a chicken on it. What, what, what, what, what? It's not a rotisserie.

Who knew? And she's got Gigi and the other one over there and the other one is of course the one who has to cook she's like spiralizing noodles and gg goes i don't want those i want real pasta and i was like yes gg bella's making all the effort over there. And you're, like, complaining that you want real carbs. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, it was just like a really quick scene. It was basically just Lisa Rinna having daughters that are growing up and spiralizing. I'm spiralizing out of control. Shame spiralizing.

So then we go back to the party, darling, where PK is party planning and is blacking out the doors. Black out the doors. And while he's doing that, Dorit is upstairs getting ready for the party. And she has some terrible news. She has developed a new twitch. And when she gets nervous, her nose starts to run. That's a coke addiction. I'm calling it now.

She's got a coke addiction addiction I have this new twitch when I get nervous I do cocaine it's like leaking little pebbles it's like my nose just starts to leak these little white pebbles it's crazy I don't know what to do it's cocaine Dorit I have this twitch It's little white pebbles. It's crazy. I don't know what it is. It's cocaine, Dorit.

I have this twitch that when I get nervous, I start talking a lot and I can't stop talking. And I also do cocaine. I think it's coke because she has this weird sniffle. She does the coke eyes thing where she opens her eyes way too wide. Like, I don't know if that's a drug thing or if it's just a dumb girl trying to act smart. But have you noticed how she opens her eyes? She's like, like, she's really smart. Like, last season, Erika Jayne would do this mayor fingers thing where she would put her fingers together like, I don't know, like she's debating or something to look intelligent.

She'd be like, well, here's what I think. I'm like, ugh, putting your fingers together doesn't make you smarter. And I think Dorit does that with like making her eyes really wide. She's like, look, I'm thinking deeply about thongs. And flatbread. That you can only find in Connecticut.

You can only find in Connecticut. You can only find in the most acidic boroughs of Connecticut. You can only get flatbread in Western Connecticut. It's true. Her poor gay ploy. She's like, Please don't play with my hair too much. You know what happens when you play with

my hair too much. I hate that you keep making her Cheshire. Because it's hilarious. It just sounds so, it sounds like one of our terrible accents of Cheshire to me. Like, who are you kidding? Oh my goodness. It's just so funny. When you do that Cheshire accent, it just cracks me up.

They're like very... I'm not the snake. It's like a few... It's just a few... I mean, I do it too. I'm not blaming... I'm not putting it all on you. I'm just saying when you do it, it really makes me laugh.

Because it's just like a shade away from the sweetest chef. Yeah. I refuse to give Dorit a more respectable accent until she gets herself one. But I'm from Connecticut. Darling from Connecticut. Should we just have her talk like the Swedish chef? I was raised by the Mary Parkway. I'm a nutmegger.

Oh, God. So the party is about to start. So she's getting her hair curled by God knows who. You know, I don't think she pays anybody. I think they're all waiting for their money because her husband was bankrupt like in 2000. And I think I looked it up. It was 2012. Ten million dollar bankruptcy.

Really? Yeah. And he's like spending all this money like you were just bankrupt could you please have some respect for all the people that you didn't pay back when you wipe your debt clean you dick turns out that managing kajagoogoo would not pay the bills long term i don't know why i keep mentioning Kashigugu with that guy. I really like the name. It sounds like you're talking in Dorit accent whenever you say that.

Kashigugu! We're going to be in the rich we're going to be in the black again soon, Dorit. I have just signed a lucrative contract with The Fix. I've been making some tutorial videos about flatbread. We're about to be wealthy again, darling. Here's your rose gold tinted Android car.

For those of you who don't know what I was referring to, and that might include possibly you, Ronnie, The Fix was a band from the 80s. Oh, I thought The Fix was a website with tutorial videos. It probably is also. But The Fix sang – I forget. They actually had several good songs. But anyway.

Anyhoo. Not good enough, apparently. Not good enough. Not good enough for Liza Minnelli to cover which is the only way i would have heard it in that time in that time frame you would recognize the songs by the effects i'm trying to remember what they had they had like two um they had two big songs did they write cats then i don't know them they might have you never know that that's you know one thing leads to another oh yeah hey what you do do what you say that's a pk favorite brag about money that you've never made those two are broke i cannot wait for

them to be broke again i'm like literally excited to see them i know the downfall of these idiots they can talk in whatever accents they want those are the worst stereotypical americans ever like that's why the world hates us people with phony accents and phony money it's all on credit then they screw everybody over once they go broke piss off you too yeah and how about spending uh more time on your finances and less time buying or even renting like fancy golf carts you know they they had a golf cart to drive people up from the road up to their house. Their house is like five stories tall and has a steep driveway. And so this golf cart, the top had been taken off, and it had been designed to look like a little Hummer.

And it just looks stupid. It looked like the dumb little cars that the housewives of Dallas buy for their children to go crash in the coldest sack. Exactly. And the thing is, you know that that type of golf cart probably costs significantly more than if you just rented an average golf cart. And I think an average golf cart has charm to it. I like an average golf cart. Well, there's no average here. I'm special.

My wife is special. I like renting the golf cart well there there's no average here i'm special my wolf is special i liked ren in the golf cart she's like whoa yes she was god this is beautiful wow isn't this amazing look at that tree look at that house walk we're on the street it's a golf cart god please don't kill me don't kill me i will say with golf carts if you haven't been on in one in a while, you get in there, you know, you're not locked. You're not you have no seatbelt. They are a little jarring at first. You're like, well, this is going way faster than I thought it would be. You always feel like you're going to fall out. You look terrified.

Lisa Vanderpump wouldn't even get in the damn golf cart. She's like, no, thank you. I'll have my sub take me to the front door. Where is Prince Taron to take me up here? Whatever the horse's name is. Does the golf cart have a lift to get Ken in there, darling? Never mind. We're already in the suv. We'll meet you there.

Ken just is like a little rumba rolling up the driveway. A little slide comes out the SUV window and they just push Ken out and slide him onto the ground. So inside this party, it's like a standard cocktail party. And Dorit is like, she comes down the staircase with PK. She's like, oh, oh, gosh.

It looks, it seems a little dull. I mean, I hope it's more than everyone just sitting around having drinks. I'm like, isn't that what a party is? Isn't that what adult parties are? You have people over. You have cocktails. You talk. And what else are you expecting to do yeah she's it's very difficult not to be disappointed shut up so he brings her down he's like welcome to your party dollar his accent also changes constantly i'm like which act of my fair lady are you in

how come one minute you're posh and the next minute you're like some cockney bloke you know sweeping a chimney or whatever this ain't mary poppins yeah um mauricio and kyle show up next and the entire time i'm thinking how long before mauricio gets one of these golf carts you know he's going to he's like he you know he's seeing this golf cart and is totally filling out the forms already to buy one himself i feel like maurizio doesn't think or say anything he's just like a puppet he's like been installed in the presidency of kyle's marriage it's just like you want a golf cart and he's like i want a golf cart and then they get a golf cart you know it's like he's like waiting to be programmed the manchurian husband yeah he's like a new remote

control that just blinks all the lights until you like hold two special buttons down and program it properly but you have to go through all those codes and you're like yeah you have to like google the codes yeah which is what i did this week actually so your joke really resonated with me i know we've all been there you have to like put the chinese through the google translate it's like jesus christ um so kyle and kyle is doing what kyle does best looking for catering i mean this show really showed kyle just every time they showed kyle they start with her eating at the in and out okay getting everybody burgers then this one she the first thing she says is like smells like food like every time they showed kyle it was either

eating waiting in line for food or looking for food and it is hilarious that the editors are such bitches i love it i love making kyle insecure because kyle is not fat she just feels really fat and refuses to like know her own size and i think it's the funniest fucking running thing with kyle ever um for me it's what makes me identify with kyle because i am the person always looking for food at a party i'm the one who famously stands near where the where the waiters come out with your hors d'oeuvres and i pluck them off yeah i've been there too maybe that's why i always make fun of it you know projection speaking of skinniness uh we have a moment where rinna uh is trying to compliment lisa on being skinny well they have like this whole passive aggressive interlude where

rinna is trying to just patch things up with lisa and lisa just keeps on essentially going at her with barbs and rinna's like oh you look so skinny lisa let me let me see you do a twirl i want to see how you own this skinniness baby and lisa's like no well i'm not gonna be skinny for you darling like her comebacks were so stupid it would be like you look great she'd be like unfortunately your heart doesn't look great it looks dark and bleak as pertains to me it's like uh okay at least it's like i'm not saying that the world revolves around me but if you want to look at my skinniness, you must do a tour around me. Yes, yes, you must.

And Rinna is just, and Kyle just keeps prodding it, as usual. She's like, go be nice to Vanderpump. She's like, whoa, where'd you get those sleeves? Whoa! Kyle's like, yeah, those sleeves. And Lisa's just giving her slick burns back. Yeah, she's like, I'm not telling you. You are.

I know I am, but what are you? You're rubber and I'm glue. Bouncy, bouncy, et cetera, et cetera, darling. Well, do you ever think where that glue was made? Wah, wah, wah. How could you? We're starting a march to save Prince Talon's life. Prince Tard is my date for this evening.

How dare you, man? So Rinna is, yeah, she's just, I'm loving her positive outlook where she's like, I don't need an apology, baby. I can just be. You don't get an apology. What is she going to apologize for? I'm sorry for crying when you made me cry like lisa has a lot of shit she could be apologizing for i don't think she did anything to you to apologize for so yeah i would call it out if i did but she didn't yeah i agree i mean uh you know and i have

to say i have i do enjoy watching vanderpump give rent of the business just because it's funny like i like when when they're talking about they're trying to smooth things over in a way and say, well, you know, with friends, you know, you see different sides. You can never have a true friendship until you see all the sides. And then Lisa Vanderpump is like, I like the side of Rina when she's not calling me an evil manipulative bitch. Where's that girl? Where is that little girl I carried? I'm sorry, I just met Shalom. Can't get it out of my mind, darling.

He's a regular Tevye. Opening and ending, darling. Hello, goodbye. If I were a manipulative girl, la-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. hello goodbye if I were a manipulative girl la la la la la la la la if I were a manipulative stupid bitch la la la la la la

la la la la la la I'm gonna have Rosie finish this line for me I'm exhausted darling manipulation manipulation manipulation manipulation to, darling. Manipulation! Manipulation! Manipulation! Manipulation! Darling, I love that

musical. Manipulator on the Roof. I'm sorry I manipulated that fiddler to playing his little thing on the roof, darling. The Nazis come for them and she's like, You are! It's like, good one.

Good one, Lisa. I'm just, don't mind me. I'll just go back to the shtetl to manipulate some people. I manipulated that man into trading a donkey for Pandora's hand in marriage, darling. I mean, sure, there's a czar out there killing all of us, but I'm the real evil one. I understand, because I'm a manipulator.

So stupid. So Kyle and Vandera... Oh, did I say it? I was just going to say... You're probably about to say what I was going to say. You say it. Youpump. Oh, yeah. Did I say it? I was just going to say. You're probably about to say what I was going to say. You say it. You say it. You say it.

You say it. I was just going to say Kyle and Vanderpump go over to the side. And Kyle's like, now, Lisa. I mean, yeah. Now, Lisa, just be nice. And she's like, it's just a little English humor, darling. It's just a little prod, isn't it? She deserves it.

She's like, you're having fun with this. darling it's just a little prod isn't it she deserves it she's like you're having fun with this yeah i've given them the power to hurt me and i'm taking it back yeah that's what i was gonna say it's like uh lisa you already have your tagline for the season like no need to try to launch a new one also not the right kind of power launch yeah you are is not taking your power back okay slap a bitch and and this is this is really not your moment of empowerment like there are a lot of other ones like there's no need to talk in this pseudo new age i've given them the power i'm taking it back yeah you're blowing your empowerment load right now yeah i mean even kyle was like i think she's being a little dramatic.

That's bad. That's bad when you have to get checked by Kyle. Well, Kyle's the worst. She talks behind her back all the time and prods everybody to fight with her. And then she talks about her to them. And then she's like, what? We're friends. Eileen. Yeah, Eileen shows up in bright red.

Looking great. I actually like the way Eileen looked. I love how she was wearing this bright red dress where everyone was just wearing black. And then she – Like a zit ready to turn white. I have a white head like right on my – it doesn't matter. Clear that, darling. Clear that.

So Eileen and Lisa Vanderpump have an interaction that they have an encounter that's very cold and very awkward they're like hello hello and what i loved was that eileen was giving uh lisa vanderpump the coldest bitchiest soap opera face of all time i was like this is what you need to be doing eileen this is your skill set you need to be staring people down and just giving bitch eyes that's what you have to do well we've got eileen who won't drop a stupid argument that really was like over something so tiny and little and then you've got vanderpump who won't get over eileen being mad about this stupid little argument it's the dumbest fight ever and they're both both ready to be bitches to each other. I'm loving Eileen because she said,

it seems strange after everything that happened between us, it would just go away. I'm trying to find out a way to be okay. It's called move on. Yeah, it's called drop it, stupid. So they're both kind of being passive aggressive with each other. And this is when Lisa grabs her and she's trying, they're both kind of being passive aggressive with each other. And this is when Lisa grabs her and she's like,

I just wanted to say, I'm sorry. Commercial break. Yeah, because Eileen's like, and then commercial comes back and Lisa goes, I'm sorry that your mother died. And Eileen laughs in her face because it happened like months ago at this point yeah i mean eileen's like so surprised and she's also like yeah and then that's when lisa

says uh you know i only found out two days ago and i was like oh oh oh well thank you and and and then they're reflecting a little bit and eileen goes it just makes everything seem and lisa vanderbump goes trivial and i loved it because that was going to be eileen's moment to say you know maybe we should start to move on but instead lisa stole the word trivial and then turned it into a passive aggressive you have to move on yeah exactly and she. And when she said, when Eileen said, how are you? And she goes, I'm surviving. I'm happy. I'm figuring out how to survive in this world that looks challenging.

And she gives her up and down look. I feel like there was something in Lisa's gigantic choker that was like sending death rays onto Eileen. Just don't take it. I could microwave up macaroni and cheese in under two minutes with all the radiation coming out of this choker, Eileen. And also, she did this thing where she was Eileen Davidson. Like, she had to say her full name. She's like, I don't know if Eileen Davidson would feel the way I do, but Eileen Davidson might be mean to me. And then when she decided she officially didn't like Eileen again, she goes, well, this Eileen Davidson.

Like, oh, okay, now you forgot her name, Lisa. You forgot her name, Lisa. Well, speaking of dippy moments, we then have Dorit, who's giving a little tour of her home. AKA, she just walked into the living room and she's like, this is what I call the great room. Like, yeah, I mean, don't don't act like this is a novel idea. A great room. A lot of people call their living rooms a great room. Congratulations.

In England. Yeah. She's like, this is where I grate my Parmesan cheese. But then – Lisa's like, can you do that with that plant? But then Dorit goes, you know, everything is a work in progress because we moved here two years ago. And, you know, J-Lo and Marc Anthony had this house. because we moved here two years ago and you know jlo and mark anthony had this house i'm like the first concept had nothing to do with the second concept it's not a work in progress because jlo and mark anthony lived there it's not like they left the place in shambles famously like

oh well we all know that wherever jlo and mark anthony are is just like basically a shantytown when they leave yeah you're just you're just bragging that's all you're doing that's dorit every sentence she says is about either how famous she kind of is or knows people who are famous or how much money she has she is so full of shit like she's so full of shit and crazy that even kyle is being nice to her and kyle usually hates the like young new one right off the bat but she's nice because she knows just not to fuck with her she had this conversation with her and she's like is boy coming and dorit's like oh he's on tour he lives here yes yes we know i wrote down yes we know and kyle's like oh he does in your house kyle's just going along with her stupid story she's like i know we do know boy as a matter of fact he happens to live here he's my gay sister wife husband man yes kyle knows okay yeah kyle knows um and then erica walks in and she's wearing

this um this t-shirt t-shirt dress by uh what's it called um mikasa no i thought it was cb2 you know moschino or most mosquito mosquito mosquito and um and dorit is very mad that erica jane is wearing this t-shirt dress um and then erica's like well whatever mine just came off the runway so i don't give a fuck so i i liked the pettiness of this that doree thinks her party is so classy that a t-shirt dress cannot be worn and that erica is like bragging about the fact that this stupid t-shirt dress came off the runway even though it looks dumb it looks dumb but because it's off the runway i mean i don't care where it comes from it's's a damn t-shirt dress, Maxinista. Yeah. And, oh, what was I going to say?

Oh, Erica also brings her that gift. What did she say? She's like, I got this, you know, makeup bag, but I got, I had to, so I gave it the other way. Yeah. Are those the Dubai things where she had, she was like, I'm going to buy whatever I want in Dubai. She's like, I've got to change purse.

Because Don Rickles will only give her so much allowance. That's right. It's my one, no one free. Enjoy your Sephora bag. So then there's more just chatter, party and then eileen approaches uh lisa vanderpump again and i'm like oh no please eileen don't go down this path yes lisa's already in like a whiny victim but empowered mode there is no there's nothing you're gonna do right now and stupid eileen always picks the wrong time.

She's like, so, you know, when you first came over to me, I thought you were going to apologize. Isn't that funny? And he's like, no, what? Oh, darling, again? Are you out of your mind? I would never apologize again. How many times have I apologized to you? Ha, ha, ha.

And Eileen's like, ha, I know. I wouldn't expect it anyway. Ha ha ha. Good, because you're not getting it. Ha ha ha. And Eileen's like, good, I don't even want it anymore. I mean, I do. But I don't have to tell you that, even though I guess I just did. Ha ha ha. You did, you stupid idiot. Ha ha ha. You're the bitch. Ha ha ha. Her will freeze over before I apologize to

Eileen Davousen, or whatever her name is again. Davousan. Then PK addresses the crowd and he's like, now, I think we all know that a PK party is a little bit more wild than what we're seeing here. This is too low profile too boring and then it's like oh my god oh my god what's happening i'm like shut up dorit just shut up a car drops on her head the end her nose just starts running like crazy so these like so pk is like all right everyone let's get this party really started. Here's the surprise. Open up the doors, gents.

And they open up the doors, and everyone's like, wow, wow, wow. And we go to commercial, and we come back. It's like, there's purple lighting and sushi and a nice sculpture. Welcome to this teeny tiny backyard. Erica's like, oh, this is like where we put the children at my party congratulations pk can brag about his damn money all he wants i know he faking it because he had font where he's like erica's budaba or whatever it said or not erica dorit's budaba and it uh it was the same font my dad uses on his real estate site.

I was like, you poor. Okay. This is like some Photoshop free font. Please. Wasn't Buddha Bar like a popular place in 1995 in Paris or something like that? Was there some? Either way. Buddha Lounge.

Oh, Buddha Lounge. Or I guess there's both. Buddha Bar and Buddha Lounge. Because they have those dance mix CDs that come out of there in Paris. And everyone's like, oh, my God, we used to play them at the Moroccan restaurant. We would play them year after. And they were even old then, and that's back in the day. Exactly. So, of course, PK does a totally dated reference to something that appeals to this crowd.

Well, last week it was the Studio 54 party. It's like, oh, gee. The 54. You guys are working so hard to look young, okay? Taking yourself back to the 80s is not helping. You're like, look, now I'm an old lady in the 80s. Like, you're not helping. Well, you can do that.

You can do a throwback party, but it's like a costume party. I didn't have a problem with Erika Jayne's party, but I do think it's funny setting up something up something like oh look how cool this is and it's totally dated but honestly even so much wasn't even so much that this buddha thing buddha lounge was dated it's just that they're like oh wow it was just you know sushi and sushi and cool lighting and you know i was expecting like another car or a helicopter or like 25 shirtless men. But instead of just like here, here's more seating.

Yeah, they're just so awful. Every time somebody says something to them, they turn it into their money. Like someone goes, oh, I really like that picture of, you know, melted Mr. Potato Head that you that you hung up. And he's like, oh, no, that's a painting of Dorit that we got from the Queen at Royal Albert's Hall, you know, after we met Andrew Lloyd Webber for dinner. And, you know, Kate Middleton sent us a dessert, darling. Oh, shut up.

It's a terrible picture of your stupid wife. Let's please move on. Yeah, seriously. You've peaked, peak. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to Dion Estes, a man who once sang a duet with George Michael in a song that reached number 16 on the charts. The charts of the billboard.

Billboard is a celebrity who we also know quite well. So they're dancing on the dance floor. Rinna tries again. Kyle's like, go talk to Lisa again. I'll be at the shrimp bar. And Rinna's like, okay. So she goes over and she's dancing with Vanderpump and she's like, we're having fun. Are we having so much fun, Lisa? This is

crazy. This is where we're at our best. We're like, whoa! Fun times! Electric slide, Lisa. Electric slide. And then Vanderpump's like, well, I'm the horrible, evil monster lady, don't you remember? You sure you're having fun with

the monster who ate your gerbil babies, darling? Oh, so funny. But then that's when Renata goes, well, I decided that I like you more than I dislike you, baby. And I own that. Yeah, but I don't know if you'll get a second

chance to like me again, baby, with your friend Eileen DeValius, whatever her face is. Eileen DeValius, whatever her face is. Eileen Deadpool. Well, I just accidentally attributed way too many ratings to Eileen. Oh, I'm sorry.

I attributed a little bit too much quality that would supersede anything that would appear at the Blue Bank Film Festival. If Eileen googled the name I just gave her, she would be shocked at the amountbank Film Festival. If Eileen Googled the name I just gave her, she would be shocked at the amount of fresh tomatoes she's received. So finally, Rinna just breaks, you know, as she does, as Rinna is wont to do.

So she breaks and she's like, Okay, Lisa, I apologize. I'm sorry for being so hard on you. I apologize for being hard on you. I'm not proud of it. I apologize for the eggplant in the spiralizer. I apologize for the cow sweaters I sell on QVs. I apologize for everything. Vanderpump's like,

Okay, let's be friends again. Yeah, Vanderpump's like, okay, let's be friends again. Yeah, Vanderpump was like, Vanderpump did not want to draw this out. She's like, okay, good. I got you back on my side. Great. Yeah, she's like, the end. And she specifies. She goes, oh, really?

Can we, Lisa? And she goes, yes, I can move on with you. Now, as for David Eilenderson. No way! As for Eileen Divergent Series, part one... Which, let's face it, is the Hunger Games in space. What a sad rip-off. I mean, who is Shailene Woodley, anyway?

Oh, poor D divergent Eileen, always dressing for the end of the world. As a teenager, which she's not. So, Dorit, I don't know why I wrote Dorit. Oh, yeah, Dorit goes up to Erica and she's like, are you still drinking water? Dorit. Yeah to Erica and she's like, Are you still drinking water? Dorit. Yeah, good one. And Erica's like, well, I had a stomach bug and I've basically been vomiting for the past two years. But I'm two weeks. Two days.

I don't give a fuck. Mikey's been sticking his finger down his throat for me and I'm a barfing. Water only for me. I've never seen Dorit look so jealous. She got to throw up for two days? Well, drink your cocaine, cocaine bitch so vinny takes the pics of the ladies blah blah blah ken ken's feeding lisa and she's like i haven't swallowed for decades or whatever um blah blah blah so then we get to pk this is so good so pk is talking to Erica, a few of the ladies,

and they're just around a cocktail table. And he's like, 2004, 5, 6, and 7 were my years of existence. Yeah, stupid, stupid PK. He basically says that when he met Dorit, it saved his life. And so, yeah, he actually gets up onto like a little stage or whatever and he's like all right now i'll have a speech to say to direct can we get the chair over and they have like this red chair they brought to the event solely for this moment to put down in front of him so that we can sit in this throne while he gives a speech it was

so over the top and ridiculous but not over and over the top in a fun way it was over the top in the stupid way like the trying too hard way yeah so he's like well all right the next 30 seconds are gonna be very difficult for me to get through but all i have to say is that i would have died had i not met dorit if it weren't for dorit and also perhaps T'Pau. She literally saved my life. She literally saved my life. I mean, I have to give some credit to

you know, Shannon of Let The Music Play. He's just going down one-hit wonders from the 80s. You know, if it weren't for Dexy's Midnight Runners, I don't know where I'd be. And also Dorit.

I didn't think my ears would ever work again. And then the Bengals came along and introduced me to George Michael's assistant, who I went to a party with and met Tiffany. If it weren't for the Tom Tom Club I might never have been inspired to take so much coke that night.

I was drowning and I grabbed onto the flotation device that is Darut's head and now I'm fine. I was I was on a real long bender with one of the tears of tears for fears

and I found myself and I found myself literally shouting just like their song I was literally shouting and Dorit showed up at one point he's talking at the table with the girls and telling how he met Dorit and he's, we met in a bar. You know, as one does.

They go to bars. It was random. Which I don't believe. Like, she was on some pole or something. And they go, what was this? Oh, he goes, I saw her and I thought, wow, love a floaty. So we started to make chatter. That's what we call talking in England.

So annoying. I can't with him. And Erica's like, we know, Debbie. And he gives her this look. It is such a mean look. And I was like, oh, no, we've got a husband-housewife. Here he comes. Yeah, absolutely.

Because I thought that was interesting because it was a it was a silly little moment and eric was like well i'm american i'm not stupid and they cut to him glaring at her and i thought you know with this combined with dorit's um frustration over the t-shirt dress has me wondering are we setting up a feud here? I think we are. I love when a husband becomes a bitch, as Nini would say. You ain't a bitch. I love it. He's going to be like another Simon. Yeah, he will be.

I can imagine him dancing around in leather pants to a song he made. I see your future, and it's hideous, and I'm so glad you're on this show. So then they cut to Kyle eating. Love the show. And then they cut to kyle eating love the show and then they just like cut away again kyle's like oh it looks so good and then they cut away again um basically that's pretty much how it ends right well the one little thing um at one point lisa vanderpump eileen and dorit are like talking uh in a corner and again there's that awkwardness between eileen and lisa vanderpump and eileen's justit are like talking in a corner. And again, there's that awkwardness between Eileen and Lisa Vanderpump.

And Eileen is just trying to get out of there. So she's like, oh, I think I'm going to go try to find Vince. And I wonder if anyone's seen Vinny. And Lisa Vanderpump goes, oh, I saw him in the corner with his head up. Someone's scared. Oh, my God. I was about to skip that. That was amazing.

And it was so like, honestly, that was bad. It was actually like honestly that was bad it was actually so bad that even lisa vanderpump realized and she goes that's a joke sorry well she apologized eileen i hope you heard that part but then she said well i'm you know i didn't mean it ish um yeah that was me but okay there's two sides a yes now she's really coming for eileen like eileen is gonna learn now what it's like to have really offensive shit just said to your face because that was shitty and also eileen knows that that could be true vinny could be in a corner with his head up somebody's skirt like that's not cool you know but? But at the same time, Lisa makes those jokes all day about who she's fucking, who your husband's fucking. And that's why she got in trouble with Kyle, remember?

I was about to say, it actually is a term of endearment from Lisa. Because there's no better way to know that you are on the path to friendship again than having Lisa say something totally inappropriate about your husband. Yeah, like it's her way of playing. I mean, I'm not sticking up for her in the way that... friendship again than having lisa say something totally inappropriate about your husband yeah like it's her way of playing i mean i'm not sticking up for her in the way that i mean it was a shitty thing to say but eileen any normal person would have been like you're a bitch how rude he if he is i'll cut his head off you know and laugh it off and then later be like that lady really needs to get a filter or something but eileen is just like like she looks like she's gonna she doesn't know what to do she's just like smiling this weird that weird over smile thing yeah then she starts dancing with lisa rinna really stressfully in

the corner because kyle's like how'd it go with lisa vanderpump and she eats her like quesadilla or whatever and rinna's just like kind of scared. She's like, oh, God, here we are again. Eileen's going to try and make me fight. She's terrified. And then Eileen's dancing hard in her own way. She's like, oh, it was great. She just made fun of my husband and fucking some other lady in the corner. Whatever.

Here we go again. Yeah. And then the whole episode ended with Dorit going, well, I guess I'm not having cake this year. Spoiled batch. Yeah. Well, at least I'm not having cake this year. Spoiled bet. Well, at least you're not having to jump out of it. It's probably your job before you met PK in the first place. Darling! I mean, that is a hoe with new money.

And it's not even new money. That is a hoe with a credit card. That is a hoe with a, that's what I call, 1985 1985 best songs music collection that is a capital one hoe right there okay with a cassette player yeah um fun times beverly hills fun times and we talked about beverly hills longer than the actual show was on longer than the actual episode lasted so yeah there you go we covered a lot of it we did um shall we move on to ladies of london let's do it i would love to move on to hold my wiener in the bathroom so i can let's do that and welcome back now we're moving on to ladies of london god i love this i love it although macro note i think it's very strange this season how they're doing

these weird transitions where they'll like show b-roll and then freeze it and color it in and then swap something out and swap something in and then come back somewhere else. It seems like a lot of work, a lot of fanciness for an unnecessary moment. They're working it in their third season. I mean, there was the point where they were all at Mapperton at the end of this episode having dinner together. I mean, some of those shots were beautiful of just them sitting there. And I thought, God, you guys have really come a long way since season one i mean season one was like shot on somebody's cell phone camera half the

time it seems like and this season it was really beautiful i was like do you have a roaming camera in the dining room at mapperton do you really are you seriously droning in a camera right now to get julie being classy or whatever and their their stock music is really taking it up a level. A lot of songs like, I'm getting ready. I'm getting ready because I'm fabulous. I'm getting ready. Whoever's singing that song,

you know they have upped her money because she is more inspired than ever before. She really is. I'm putting makeup on. My makeup's on eyeliner. Lipstick. Diamonds. than ever before she really is i'm putting makeup on my makeup zone eyeliner lipstick diamonds all her lyrics are very literal i'm driving in my car because i'm an independent woman it's always this um uh this i forget the word is insouciant is that the word i don't know but uh i don't know you just out fancied yourself

with that one i think i mispronounced that word too um it's a word that i've always read but never said um but there's always this petulant uh protests of a song of you don't get to tell me what to do i'm wearing a ribbon in my hair anyway i can wear what I want in my hair and it's gel. Gel in my hair. There's gel in my hair. It's cloudy in the sky, but I won't be sad. I won't be sad no matter what you say, Mr. Cloud. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real.

I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less.

In August, 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join

Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards played by HBO's Industries Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten

world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Grey's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at the list on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can

binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. So this show opened as it usually does with a song like that. And then little short clips of all the girls and what they're doing to start off. And one of the starting things was Caroline Stanbury's children with their Arabic tutor, I guess. Like their language tutor for the Middle East. And she's just sitting there staring at him. And he's like, can you say this word? And she's like, no. When you say la, that means no.

No, it means yes. I mean, I don't give a crap. And then they show Juliet and she's making her kids like some Pillsbury croissants or whatever in a pan. It was weird. It was weird. I actually had no idea what was happening in that scene. It looked like everything was cooked. It was a croissant. brisket brisket brisket brisket brisket brisket brisket brisket brisket brisket brisket brisket her husband was like, darling, those aren't done properly. You have to do them. The kids heard him so they were like, gross! And she's like, thanks a lot.

She's like, I hate rolls. Like, I can't believe that the Pillsbury canister told me what to do. Like, what the hell? I want to just cook the croissants my way. How about we cook croissants without rolls? And then the big uh the big plot line from the episode jules is inviting the girls to mapperton and she's sitting there with her oldest daughter and her daughter's like even caroline she's like

well you know i have to be nice i'm a lady And her T-shirt said, fall in love with as many things as possible. It's like, oh, Jules. Poor Jules. She's trying to be positive so badly. Poor thing. She probably had that T-shirt before she met her husband and took it very literally. She was like, fall in love with as many things as possible. And she looks down.

Well, I'm holding a sandwich. I guess this will be my path. Well, they said fall in love with the tuna melt. So here I am. I've got a teenage daughter now. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to fulfill her love of sandwiches. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to hold him a-o. You know, it said fall in love with everything as much as possible, and I was taking the tube, and I thought Subway, and then here I am.

Here I am at Mapperton, the toothpick that holds the gigantic tuna melt together. I was taking one of those internet quizzes, and it made me think of Quiznos, and I thought, sandwiches, and now I'm in love with you. So guess what? I love how this show is putting in these awful things with really happy things. Always in the beginning. Makeup, makeup. And Marissa's like, I could have died last week. i i could have died last week so marissa has a nurse and i don't know what it is that annoys me but she's like as soon as matt

and i start having sex we immediately booked our nurse i'm like why does that annoy me so much why it may it's actually a great example of efficiency and forward thinking but for some reason it makes me annoyed because it's obnoxious i mean it's obnoxious that they brag so much about their money but that's also why we watch this show it's a conundrum okay it's a conundrum so her nurse of course is any you know english employee on this show hates her i mean not at the same level as like anthea and the other woman over mapperton but still a good amount of hate. Yeah, she seems to hate her.

And she's like, are you finished feeding? And her name is Patricia. She's like, are you finished feeding? Oh, right now you can leave like a Victorian parent. Only here for five minutes. You're a pleasure. Yeah. And then Matt announces that he wants to move to California. He's had a rough year between the baby stuff, his clubs shutting down. He's haggard and he just wants to start fresh in California. And Marissa hates this. She's from California. This should actually be a wonderful thing. But she has worked so hard to be British and to be accepted by Brits and to claw claw her way up and matt essentially wants to destroy it all yeah because his boozy his place boozy isn't doing as great and she's like matt

my accent won't work as well in america and uh she's like i almost died and you can't sell 30 hot dogs in america darling like she's the original Dorit. Well, there's already a Top Dog in California, so her whole concept had to be rethought. That's what you get for ripping off the name of a famous hot dog place in California. Oh, I didn't even know that, Top Dog. Like in second Berkeley or something. There's also Dorwienerschnitzel.

Don't even try it, lady. Don't even try it. And Dog House, which is my favorite hot dog place of all so there so there uh caroline fleming just being as fleming as possible making dough making hollow radiant essentially she's like trying to make a hollow dead a hollow bread with like you know it's like yogurt and granola or some shit so her therapist caroline comes over and she's got like a tray of tea and crumpets and like it's a full tray and her therapist like thank you that's my favorite she's like i know i know on you can never have too many carolines on this show that's what you. That's what we're learning very quickly.

Caroline and her therapist, Caroline. Yes. So it's kind of appropriate that Caroline's therapist is named Caroline because essentially Caroline was just talking to herself and the therapist was nodding. And Caroline Fleming sits there and starts venting her feelings. I was unfortunately swarmed by the Danish press and now

my family aren't at all happy about what I've said. I wrote a very long message to my father's third wife. Her third wife, just to remind her that she's number three. Third one in line, sloppy sloppy seconds. Mummy, second to most

dearest. I wrote it on a bronze sheet of paper just so she would remember what place she is in line. Number three, third, third. I took her to Batman forever because it was the third one in the series.

I said, dear, also ran. I did not. Also ran. I call her Anwar. Number three in the lineage we just went to straight to return return of the king we don't bother with the first two in the series because she is number three we like to play that song by britney spears called three i wrote dear titleless lady who lives with my father, love a title. Okay, so this is weird. Not that she's so arrogant and only thinks about herself, even though she's the one who fucked up.

But she went there supposedly to see her dad. She stayed at a hotel when they live in a castle. Then she went to a fashion show gave an interview then she got in the news and tried to hide her glee from being in the news talking about her father having cancer and then she never even went to see her father i mean what the hell well we don't know she may have seen her father um but either way well she said she called and the third wife said that wasn't very clever and hung up on her. Slammed down the phone and I felt the reverberations all through my soul.

Just when I was about to have some fresh sea bass. And then they showed a clip of her third. They showed a clip of her bronze mother saying, You come here. It's like you don't even care about us.

You don't even see us and she goes well mother number whatever number you are and she's like i need a cigarette and then she just leaves her and then fleming is whenever i go visit my family i'm so nervous they're going to judge me. I still haven't mourned the lack of support and love that I didn't get from them when I divorced my husband back in 2007.

I have been grieving the resentment that I have been feeling ever since then. How lucky are you to have me to grieve in front of you about me? And it's enough. It's enough. Oh, actually, that was the therapist who said that. I'm sorry, I said Caroline's therapist.

I forgot that it was the different Caroline that said, it's enough. It's enough. And I wasn't sure if she's talking about the grieving or just Caroline talking. Yeah, she's like, just shut up. Actually, that therapist is the perfect example of why people never improve when they go to therapists like this because she's like

you've gone through so much it's like no say it was rude of you to do you knew what you were doing when you were talking to the press and when you come to town you should go see your dad and it's not all about you getting headlines like be honest with the bitch or she can't improve you know and stop twisting your bread just to call it holla that ain't holla bread i mean where did the real therapist go i like to call it hallelujah bread because i'm so grateful for things like the sun. Oh, the sun. And her therapist, Caroline, tells her courage is your birthright. And so is lots of money and land. Courage

doesn't exist anymore. Caroline. Is there anything more courageous than the sun and Aquabee? Isn't that the most beautiful flavor? I shall continue to rise and shine and ruin the skin

of mother number three as slowly and painfully as humanly sonly possible. I'm looking up her divorce right now because I want to know what happened. Because she is talking about how the family chose his side. And she's like,

I don't understand how you can choose money over love and loyalty. There's a lot of things she's saying that I don't really get. I'm like, did he cheat? Did you cheat? What happened? Because you're talking about loyalty. But since we're in the middle of a podcast, I'll read up later.

But remind me next week that I'm supposed to find out what happened. Okay? It's very important. Well, I'm sure someone can post on our Facebook page, facebook.com forward slash watch what happens but the real story is meanwhile um the carolines not caroline the therapist but caroline sandberg and fleming are in a cab they're heading to marissa uh marissa's place because marissa is going to have some sort of like thing i think because she's like very happy to drink again and they're heading there and i again caroline fleming i don't care what she said it just always makes me laugh and she's like very happy to drink again And they're heading there Again, Caroline Fleming

I don't care what she said, it just always makes me laugh And she's like I love babies Almost as much as I love The sun But then Just in case you were concerned that this would be Too much of a fun episode

Marissa calls up Sophie And is like, Sadie's in the hospital and she's sick and she was gray and we had to take her to the hospital which is actually very it was actually a very sad and scary phone call and you know i'm not making fun of that because that was very scary but at the same time it was like gosh this woman will never let 15 minutes of this episode go without just really being a downer yeah i mean every episode so far it's only number three but everyone is her dying almost dying or baby is almost dying like could you lighten up over there lady how about you die off season we're trying to

we're trying to enjoy the show right um and so then sophie alerts everyone that the party's off and everyone feels bad. And then Sophie gets into a cab and she's going to go to Julie's. And she tells the driver, can we actually not go towards Putney anymore? Can we go towards Wandsworth? Thank you. And I was thinking if she were on The Real Housewives, that would probably be her tagline. She just shows up, puts her hands on her hips and goes, can we actually not go towards Putney anymore?

Can we go towards Wandsworth? Thank you. We weren't going anywhere. I was cracking up because she's getting this horrifying, depressing phone call. She's got her huge iPhone, you know, and she looks like killer. She looks great. And she's standing on the sidewalk and she does the model pose where she puts one foot in front of the other. Yes.

And she's like standing there in model pose and she's like will the baby die like okay stop using model pose while we're talking about possibly dying babies okay yeah wrong time so sophie winds up at julie's place and um they're talking about you, how terrible this is about the baby. Jules's accent. I just have to say she goes, hello, Sophie. Literally, I just got home. Thank you for that one accented word to remind us that you're not a stupid American. And for that exciting update. So anyway, so it's clear that Marissa will not be coming to Mapperton because all the women are headed to Mapperton later that week.

And, uh, Julie is concerned because last time she went to a party without Marissa, she got yelled at by everyone. And then she sort of launched into some sort of Star Wars metaphor of like, that's like, I'm like Han Solo without Chewbacca. I'm like R2-D2 without, you know, a lightsaber. I'm like, I'm like Captain Kirk without a Julie's top. You're getting off path. This is all mixed up now. I was like, Julie, you are no Han Solo. How did she make her? She should have been

Chewie. Now, if it was Han Solo and she was Chewie, I would have bought it. But she's like, we're like Han Solo and Chewie. And I'm like, where'd Chewie go? I'm like, where's my Millennium Falcon? I'm like, listen, Julie, I'm like where's my Millennium Falcon I'm like listen Julie stop attaching your star to the Star Wars movie coming out this week okay

she's like I'm like Rogue 3 Caroline Fleming's like yes Rogue 3 did you hear that third mother I think if any Star Wars she's definitely like literally like Chewie I'm trying to I think if any Star Wars, she's definitely like, literally. Like Chewie.

I'm trying to remember my Chewie. Did you say literally? The funny thing is, your weird Chewbacca Julie just kind of sounded like Kristen from Vanderpump Rules. Literally. Well, wasn't Kristen Chewbacca in our Sir Wars? I think she was. Oh, damn it. I forgot. I was

going to do a Sir Wars photo for this week for Sir Wars Rogue One. Too late. It's over. Rogue One has been cancelled, darling. Cancel the Rogue One. We'll do it next week. So basically, this one is just planning to go to a party, but Julie's like,

I can't imagine what she's going through oh poor thing i mean if it was me i'd be thinking is it my fault is it my fault this is happening to my baby is it is it like when i burnt the mac and cheese did she not cook it enough did she overcook her what's wrong with the baby it's like you need to calm down okay i bet like she's just rattled because I'm sure Leslie's been leaving her crank calls from Mapperton hello this is

Fezzly and I'm calling to say your gift shop sucks I hate the new towels she's like hello ma'am is your refrigerator running is this Leslie? No, stupid. Hello, this is Besley from somewhere, from Fapperton.

Kind to let you know that in the future, you should cook your hot cocoa for one minute longer and see what happens. This is Moline Ravidsson calling. Whoa, Moline Ravidson calling. Whoa, Moline Ravidson? What's worse than a stupid American? What? Nothing. Click. Hello, this is Ryleen Ravidson calling.

Whoa, okay. What's worse than a stupid american nothing wrong a stupid american with stupid tea towels she's being terrorized by leslie leslie is the best villain of the season. I love her. So then we go to Marissa and Matt outside the hospital. We learn the baby's going to be fine, which we're all happy about. Marissa is crying, understandably. I mean, we make fun, but, like, I get it.

I get it. It's scary. I'm not going to cry. I mean, this is Watch What Crappens. I just liked that they were going into Portland Hospital. I was like, poor thing. They even make the Americans go go into american named hospitals so they're so merce is crying she's like shook up from this and mass trying to comfort her and he's like what's important here

and what our priority always has been is our family i'm like great now where are your other kids by the way they're like at home there's like something smoking on the stove oh that's right there are two other kids yes our priority is family yes they found out the only problem with the baby is that something kept flicking it in the forehead matt it's like the evil nanny it's like flick flick flick flick flick or ke Dodd. This crazy lady came over saying she was kicked out of Ireland, and now she's flicking our children's noses. Sophie has a problem with her nasal canals. But the baby ended up being us. You do.

Our new nurse is so sassy. So it ended up working out. Baby lived, okay? Everybody calm down over there. Baby is good. So now we go to Mappatin. Baby lived. Okay, everybody calm down over there. Baby is good. So now we go to Mappatin. Which then we had some more of those transitions, but this time with ducks and geese.

Ducks and geese. Putting on the lipstick. Ducks and geese. Putting their diamonds. Glamorous ducks and geese. Glamorous ducks and geese. I may be skinny because I'm not a cow. Here's a cow up at Mapperton. Mapperton.

Quack like a duck and duck like a cow. And cow. I may be great, but at least I don't graze. Like a cow up at Mapperton. You're a Mapperton. Where's the map? How do I get to the tons of teens of mappertines so mapperton is open and uh she's talking to now new another old lady employee who hates her gut the cook i mean this lady just hates her guts too and chills tells us

well it's really difficult with these older employees of Mapperton. I mean, I think they're just bitter because England lost the Revolutionary War. Beryl is just staring at her like, I'm only bitchy because I want to make scrambled eggs and you won't bet me. Beryl hates her. And she's like, okay, Beryl, here's what I want for breakfast. I was thinking eggs. And Beryl's like she's like okay girl here's what i want for breakfast i was thinking eggs and vero's like you mean eggs she's like yes that's what i said eggs and i was thinking salmon and i was like did you mean smoked salmon it's like yes okay well great it's like idiot wait till i wait till i tell leslie and Anthea about this one today.

She comes in there. She came into the kitchen today, all American and revolutionary warlike, and said, let's make eggs and didn't even explicitly state that they had to be scrambled. I mean, what is this? What's up with this bitch? I get it. You won the war, mum.

Would you like me to step mampitin on the eggs while we're at it? Make an egg and smoked salmon keychain for you to give your little friends. What are we going to do next? Put some scrambled eggs on the tea towel and sell them at the gift shop? I'd like to see Anthea try to sell that one.

What's next? Will we be torturing killer whales here at Mampiterton to entertain the stupid Americans? What's next? Are we going to have some quote-unquote English muffins? We just call them muffins, bitch. Next, she's going to just change the name of this place to see stupid Americans try and pronounce eggs world. Purtum. Leslie's like, that's a good one, Beryl. High five. I can imagine all that old staff

just getting wasted downstairs being like, could you believe the pale one? 2015 was all Valentina and Pauline. 2016, Beryl and Leslie with a little bit of Anthea. So funny. Anthea's the nice one. Yeah, Anthea's the one who's like, yes, dear, I have a scarf. She's nice to everyone, but she's probably the one who gets beat up the most.

Yes. She's like the old version of Jules. yes she's like the old version of jewels so anyway um julie uh then goes and talks with her butler andrew and she's just fretting about the future doing that stupid that thing again like i just don't want to be the american who comes in here and ruins mapperton i'm like well i think you're ruining it by hugging the butler i know tacky downton abby would have burnt itself alive if it had seen this scene beryl was furious beryl was like one does not hug the help and i say that as the help let me be the first to help you not hug beryl is essentially um what was the evil lady who left after like two seasons?

Who ruined Mary's pregnancy by putting a bar of soap on the ground. Yes, and you know she left to play a nice person on Happy Valley. It's like, what are you doing? Why would you do that? I don't remember, but she was like the best. Schmidt or something like that. Oh, she was the best. Sorry, I'm rearranging on my chair oh she was the best on that sorry i'm

rearranging on my chair she was the evil on that show evil maid down abby that's what i'm doing the search yeah she made the lady have a miscarriage because she was jealous that she was gonna be hired oh yeah mrs o'brien mrs o'brien yeah um so andrew is like this is wonderful i was working for lady sandwich and now i'm working for and with you she's like oh andrew it's like you will know how many forks to use where to place them how to fold a napkin where the napkin goes when it's unfolded which side of the dish your water glass goes on? How? She's like, Oh, God. Can we just make a... Leslie and Beryl are just snickering in the corner.

Can we just arrange some flowers to spell out America? Sorry. We're sorry. Leslie's like, if she thinks she's putting on enough flowers to spell out any single word she's solely mistaken stupid bitch oh andrew he's like by the time we're done you will understand being a lady i was like okay lady yeah so then uh over in old foggy london town Stanbury picks up Juliet and Caroline and she's late.

That's like a recurring theme of this episode. And Caroline Fleming does not like being late. We saw that last season when everyone was late for breakfast and she flipped her shit. So now the fact that she's been being made late and she already had a pissy fit about Juliet being late last week. Oh, man. madely and she already had a pissy fit about juliet being late last week oh man i need to be there in time to remake the bed before dinner or i won't be able to eat a thing i hear that if we get there too late we're going to miss the last glimmers of the sun and you know how much i love the sun you don't see wrinkles and sheets the same way at night that you do in the day.

No creases. Juliet has ordered, I don't know if Juliet got some discount on eBay or what, but she's got a gigantic-ass bottle of pink wine for every event now. Where do you store those? I got the wine. Why does everyone think

that I'm just a tacky American where I think everything has to be bigger to be better? Oh, by way here's my gigantic magnum i like that juliet this year doesn't even try to be classy at least the years before she's like i'm really a lady just without the title but yeah you know this year she's like fuck it i'm juliet like who cares i live over the bridge okay there i said it uh she's in the back seat making jokes she's like hey guys this car this car ride it's like we're the new nwas guys not without an american yeah somewhere dr dre and ice cube are rolling in their graves that they're not even lying and yet we're in a car and we're driving very

far and we're maybe kind of late but i really need a date with a good girl darling that was significantly better than anything she said okay she was like here we are in a g wagon on our way to mapperton it's like I mean, this is really making a case for people and cultural appropriation and how bad it can be sometimes. I know. Luke's like your regular Dr. Moose back there. Good job, darling. Meanwhile, over at Mapperton, Jules is there already with Sophie and Adela, and they are getting bored and impatient and hungry. Adela is getting annoyed. She's like, this is quite the delay quite the delay at all and um this is ridiculous i like

to she has kind of this voice like that she's like the kim richards of this one she's wearing the kim richards blouse and i don't give a shit what caroline stanbury says and i've told her that for years and then they cut to the car and they in the backseat they're having a full-on picnic i mean they have plates and forks they're eating like three different courses off that plate i mean i know about like eating in a car but i've never seen that that was next level and i just laughed i caught myself mimicking mimicker uh uh caroline fleming because in the car you just hear her going. That's how she laughs.

With her laugh. Yeah. That's right. She has that weird Danish laugh. That's so funny. So then the women finally show up at 5.17. They were supposed to be there at 2 p.m. So they get there.

There's a lot of like very boring small talk where they're just being thoroughly polite to each other. And then Anthea takes them on a tour. And this is like Anthea's moment. She's like, all right, Anthea, you can do this. You can kill this one. All right, here we go. Here's a portrait of the first Earl of Sandwich. Here's a portrait of the fourth Earll of sandwich and here's a portrait of

the fourth earl of sandwich and here's a portrait of the seventh earl of sandwich and here's another earl of sandwich here's a book that the earl of sandwich wrote in and here's another book that the earl of sandwich wrote in but this is by the fourth earl of sandwich sometimes the seventh earl of sandwich would like to look read the book from the first earl of sandwich and then he would put it next to the book from the fourth earl ofwich. And Jules was like, oh, God, I'm not going to remember all this. She's like, this is the fourth Earl of Sandwich. Unfortunately, he wasn't the first Earl of Sandwich because he created, in fact, the sandwich.

And Jules was like, yeah, here's a great story. The fourth Earl of Sandwich was a gambler like Kenny, you know, Kenny Rogers. Just a little American humor there, Anthea. And he liked bacon. And so he spilled some bacon grease on himself. And he got sick of spilling bacon grease on himself because it's hot, right, America? And then he put the bacon in between two pieces of bread so it wouldn't spill on himself.

And the guys made fun of him and said, what is that, your new sandwich or something like that? I don't remember the end. And Anthea's like, you fucking moron. Well, you know that like Beryl and Leslie were laughing in the corner like, can you believe that stupid idiot believed that pile of shit we fed her? She couldn't even remember the end of her made-up story,

stupid American twat. How about this? Tomorrow, let's tell her that there was a dinosaur that used to live here. Let's see what happens then. Oh, yes, Leslie. Leslie, you're awful. They would, and she would totally far for it, too.

Yeah. She's like, Leslie, I just absolutely love your Heathcliff sweatshirt you're wearing today. What are you talking about? I hate Heathcliff sweatshirt you're wearing today. What are you talking about? I hate Heathcliff. He's right there on your sweater! No he isn't. It literally says, I love Heathcliff. No it doesn't,

idiot. It's irony, have you ever heard of it? How about I serve you some scrambled eggs how about that i love how my voice for barrel changes every single time next you'll be like on barrel and jules is like the martian family goes back to the 1600s that's what i'm carrying on my

shoulders! That's a lot of years! Beryl's like, when are we gonna tell her that the Earl of Sandwich came from 1947 and never went beyond that? She was killing me with this to her. This episode is where she's like, I'm not

scared, Julie, anymore. I'm a lady now. And she was trying she's this episode is where she's like i'm not scared julie anymore i'm a lady now and she's trying to be calm and collected and she just cannot do it and caroline is ruining her every step of the way caroline's just following her along and she's like okay well some of us get to stay in this castle we're gonna get to stay at bafferton and caroline's like well i was picturing a bath and a relax for an hour, but I guess that's not going to happen. And she's like, OK, well, here's Adela's room. And Caroline's like, little girls died in here. She literally said that.

This is the ghost room. Little girls died in here. Leslie and Beryl were like chuckling. So funny. Why didn't we think of that? So then she turned after the tour. She's like, okay, now here's some cider house rules. I love that movie.

You're an idiot. So she gives the house rules. And immediately Juliet's like. Juliet hates rules and so does caroline that's caroline's arc this season is that she hates rules which is kind of stupid you know i love you caroline but this is a real this is not your best have fun moving to the middle east you jojo bird enjoy baring your shoulders and getting stoned um and jules announces that the only one who none of these rules pertain to is fleming because she has a feeling that fleming will be respectful so that makes everybody like so yeah though the rules are essentially no passing around plates at dinner juliet and no uh saying you're going to the bathroom and then smoking in the front yard everyone else it's like no peeing on the lawn or smoking juliet's like no fun here

um so then then uh the non-mapperton ones and and by the way side note this is a sprawling estate how do they not have like four more beds so the rest of the women who aren't staying there, they have to go drive to their hotel 35 minutes away. And while they're driving there, Juliet is bitching and moaning about all the rules. She's like, I don't understand why Caroline Fleming is. Again, I'm doing the Shuna voice. I understand. I can't get out of it. It's so similar.

Which is like, I don't understand why Caroline Fleming is exempt from all the rules. And Fleming's like, it's because I'm polite. Oh, and also a baroness. Did I mention that? a royalty too by the way i'm royalty um and then caroline is just so pissed okay so she's gonna be late again she's like i don't care what she says she's not a lady she's not a hostess she has no idea of etiquette i'm not here for your amusement jewels you're here for mine okay ouch so nasty but i love it and also she's like her sayings are wrong they get to their hotel and she's like oh well we're not in london now toto what could you imagine her as dorothy she'd be like no i will not follow the yellow brick road just because you told me to i shall walk through the grass do you think i give a fuck about what's over

the rainbow rainbows aren't even real they're a trick of the eye that's made by rain clouds duh it's just a convention created by the Irish. And God knows how I feel about them. Or like I call them, lame bows. Good one, Caroline. So then Caroline's still bitching to Luke. She did have a good one. She did have some like that later. She's like,

how about you sit and swivel? Sit and spin? I like that you made that fancier. Nice work. So, yeah, Caroline is just still bitching to Luke. And she's like, if I can't do what I want, don't have me. I'm like, all right, Caroline, you just, like, you can settle down now. I mean, it's enough.

Do you know how many famous names I grew up with? Okay. She's so mad. And I love and upset Caroline love and upset caroline i love that's when she's at her best yes she's getting so much shit from everybody but what did you expect was caroline ever really nice i mean she's supposed to be a spoiled little bitch that's why she's great yeah exactly and so she takes forever to get ready to get ready and she says she's like well you know julie only gave us one hour to drive 35 minutes away and get changed and drive 35 minutes back. I mean, you can't do that.

I'm sorry. I was never going to be on time. And it actually made sense to me. Although it sounds like she was really late. Because the truth is Caroline Fleming and Juliet were ready. And they were getting pissed, too. They're sitting there waiting in the lobby of this hotel. Caroline Fleming is getting mad.

And over at Mapperton, Adela is also starting to get mad, and she's getting real prickly. Adela is really coming for Caroline this season, which is kind of hilarious. She's going to make her – because Caroline might be leaving if they have another season because she won't be living there. I'm sure she'll fly back to shoot. I mean I would think she'd just live in her summer house. But Adela is going to make her – She's staking her claim for sure. Yeah. Well, Adela is also showing that she might be the only person to really take on Caroline, you know, and that's what I've been saying all along.

Adela is a force to be reckoned with. Yeah. I love that they're all waiting and the butler, Andrew, is outside. He's just standing there all alone for hours waiting. I think at one point he pulled underwear out of his ass crack. Like it looked like he was doing something. I was like, this poor guy. Well, Leslie and Beryl are probably throwing pebbles at him.

Little bits of sandwich. Just from afar. And he like looks around. Where did that come from? I don't know. What's happening there? Oh, butler. That's for being nice to the American.

That's what you get for hugging an American. Little homo. With a wig. Oh, shut up, Leslie and your stupid Heathcliff sweatshirt. I don't know what you're talking about this is the picture of the queen no it's heathcliff it's the queen it's heathcliff so

so fleming and jules okay so they is this where they sit down to dinner yeah yes exactly i wrote so many notes on this show. I'm reading them like, why am I writing as usual? Why am I writing this down? I don't even know what's going on anymore. So they basically sit down and everyone's trying to be super polite with each other. And Jules is making everybody sit in certain spaces because she's the lady now. So she, of course, sits at the head of the table.

Then she makes Juliet sit by her, probably so it's the head of the table then she makes juliet sit by her probably so she can pinch her under the table if she curses or whatever and then on the other side of her is uh so far right oh sorry well juliet uh juliet and caroline stanbury are seated directly adjacent to juliet the head of the table and then yeah then i think next juliet is sophie or something i mean i didn't i didn't really pay attention to the order after that because i was just laughing because she buffered herself with her friends like she had herself and then the people who hate her and then her friends again so people could stand up for her and drown them out well

i think it was really um a classic move from middle school you know people who are behaving um poorly have to sit up by the teacher you know uh because basically it was ensuring that uh caroline and juliet couldn't snicker down at the end of the table you know this way juliet could julie could hear every single thing that they were saying it was a smart move and caroline knew it which is why she got so mad. Oh, my God. She was so mad. And the song was like, I was born this way with diamonds and jewels and sandwich. Whatever. So everybody's really kissing her butt. Yeah.

To the point where they're like, I love the shape of the table. Okay. It's so lovely that you put out a tablecloth that has all these Heathcliffs on it. How funny. Who did this? No, I was assured that those are not Heathcliffs. They mean something totally different in English. They told me that's what the queen looks like.

I'll never get this right. No wonder I never recognized the queen. I'm so embarrassed. Oh, all this time I've been reading a comic strip about Heathcliff and not the queen? So Jules gives a speech. She's like, I'd like to thank you all for coming. I've never had guests here because I've just been a guest myself. But now that I'm a lady, you're my guests.

And I chose you because you're so colorful and wonderful. And I want to show you that I can reze about this and be friends with everybody, including you, Juliet and Caroline. And Caroline's like, I smell some bullshit. When Julie said, I don't hold grudges, Juliet and Caroline stared the most evil stares possible at her. I mean, they were so full of rage at that moment they were so angry i think it was a combination that they were drunk and hungry and annoyed and perfect combination the producers set it up just right to get these women in the most bitchy attitudes or state of mind or moods totally and it also starts with jules just like lecturing them i mean

she literally said last time i saw you juliet you were shouting at me at the telegraph and last time i saw you caroline she chooses like one word a sentence to have an accent on yeah oh my god they were like shut up you know the thing is with Julie also, we didn't really talk about this because we were just cracking jokes. But honestly, it's fine to set ground rules, but there's a way to deliver them. You don't single people out.

What you do is you say, okay, guys, just a few ground rules. You know, no doing this. Like, we don't do this, we don't do that. If you could please just follow that, that would be great. And then everything will go smoothly, et cetera. No, like we don't do this. We don't do that. If you could please just follow that, that would be great. And then everything will go smoothly, et cetera. I mean, truthfully, you probably shouldn't even give the ground rules because I think Caroline's right.

It should be implied. But then again, they were there and acting like animals. Well, and she was giving them specific ones like, Juliet, don't be complaining about the food and passing your plate again. And don't smoke on the lawn. You know, it was only specific things for certain people. She should have pulled Juliet aside and said, hey, just so you know, this time, like, I know last time you were passing around the plates and I know you didn't mean to do anything wrong, but could you please not do that?

Because, like, there's all these codes here and I really appreciate that. It would make me feel less awkward. That's how you do it, if you do it at all. Okay, Andrew. Just kidding. You're like, I shall train you. I'm just kidding. I train the butlers.

But the good news is that Juliet, for all this talk about Juliet and concerns that she may pass plates around, she did not need to because I don't have this food. It's like my dream food. She was trying so hard. She's like, oh, look at this. I love potatoes. Whoa, crabs. I love crabs. This is like my dream dinner.

Whoa, look at me. I'm feeding myself with a choo-choo train because it's so good, everybody. And Jules was like, okay, that's enough. Yeah. Caroline Fleming got like an enthusiasm boner out of it. She's like, I am loving the love in this room right now. Also, this sea bass is really, really fresh. It's like it was in the ocean just a few hours ago.

She's like, utterly, utterly, utterly fresh. Atelier Atelier Fresh Almost like My father's third wife's mouth So fresh So Jules There have been whispers about what's happening tomorrow

Like literally there have been none Except for my barrel And Leslie whispering I hope these bitches get out of here so we can replace those wretched tea towels with something blander she announces that they're going to go fishing and Caroline

goes does it smell like fish she's like well it's a fishing boat she goes well is it a fishing fish is it a fishy fishing boat Caroline was all mad. She's like, I'm 40 years old and I don't want to go on a boat. I will support you because I like you,

but I don't want to go, but I will, but I don't like boats until I'm bored and in Saint-Tropez. Yeah, I don't particularly love boats unless they're moved to Saint-Tropez. Oh, is that what she said? Yeah, but then Adela, though, of course, Adela is so passive-aggressive. It's

really impressive. And she's like, don't you grow up fishing? Caroline's like, yes, that's exactly the point. Rules. You're being a spoiled brat right now, Caroline, and that's the truth of it. And she's like, I don't know what you're thinking. How dare you, man?

You're being very spoiled right now. Very spoiled. And then Caroline's just like, I don't know what you're thinking. How dare you, ma'am? You're being very spoiled right now. Very spoiled. And then Caroline's just like, I'm actually going to whack my fist down her throat very soon. And then Jules is like, oh, I feel like when you go into somebody's house who's hosting you. Now I'm looking to Caroline Fleming here because she gets it. I'm like, she was kicked out of her house. She was like five years old. Why are you looking at her?

I can't hear you over the sound of my hala rising. Yogurt takes more time. Isn't that the truth, son? So then Juliet gets all feisty and she's like, I gotta get... Stop doing Sheena. Stop doing Sheena. She's like, enough i gotta get stop doing sheena stop doing sheena

she's like enough of this aristocrat everything's done a certain way let's live life and if things happen then say la fucking v you're so american get out of here i love that she's like fuck these rules and then caroline fleming tells us i have to live with rules and respect it's an integral part of my life it's like you just talked about how your family doesn't love you because you refuse to follow any rules like yeah make up your mind crazy lady i know um uh well the best is this was adela totally shames caroline and she's like oh well you know caroline is Caroline, I think we should all leave Caroline alone. She's obviously exhausted and didn't have time to get her makeup done. And Caroline throws a fit as usual.

And she's like, I'm here because I like you, not because it's the best thing to happen to me in years. I went to boarding schools. I will not have rules. I'm from a family. I went to boarding schools. I will not have rules. I'm from a family. I'm from a home. I'm from a status. I'm leaving. And Adela's like,

oh, sac a trois, or whatever she says, you know. Yeah. Get out. And then the whole episode ends with Julie muttering, it's not cool.

Did you hear that? Did you hear her say that? Who, Juliet or Jules? Juliet. That's what I meant. It's not cool.. I like all. They showed like an exterior of Mapperton and she just goes, it's not cool.

I have to say, Caroline Stanbury, so obviously preface it that we love you. But this whole thing of like, I went to boarding school and I had rules and I'm over them. It's like, you know what, though? A lot of people went to boarding school. I'm over them. It's like, you know what, though? A lot of people went to boarding school. Like, when you say that, like, I'm over the rules, it's actually, like, very petulant.

And it's something that only, like, 14-year-olds say. I mean, this is not a big deal to ask people to not smoke in the front yard, you know? I think she's one of those people that speaks really harsh. I mean, this is what I have in common with her. The only thing, probably. But you speak harshly and like, I'm going to say whatever I want because I don't give a fuck. But then the minute somebody gets mad, you're like, what did I do? What did I say?

I didn't do anything. She doesn't even know. She's like, well, this is also why people think I'm hilarious. So why are you mad at me now? Yeah. Listen, she just needs to get a good night's rest. She she was tired and cranky, annoyed that she had to travel like she had to travel four hours, then travel again to go to a hotel. And there's obviously enough more than enough room for her to stay there. She's annoyed at the brash way that Julie singled her and Juliet out.

She was annoyed at probably the food. She's probably annoyed at everything. And she just needs to go to sleep. And then tomorrow she'll be happy. And her friends are totally ditching her for the other side. Yeah. For the Americans. Awkward.

Adela and Sophie are both her casting. And she's like, I got you a job. And this is how you repay me pretty much pretty much so that was that was ladies of london for this week well shall we touch on a bit of married moods yeah let's talk about marriage and medicine i i actually really enjoyed this episode i i found that the serious stuff in the episode which is normally what i find to be the most boring part of the show i actually found it to be rather interesting and affecting um which stuff well

okay um i when dr jackie was talking about her mastectomy i thought that was very moving um because again as i always say i'm like an old record but um when there's like real shit on the show on any reality show i think that's when it's best, um, when there's like real shit on the show, on any reality show, I think that's when it's best. And, you know, when she's talking about that and she was describing, you know, seeing her torso for the first time after the surgery and all that, I, I was like in it. I, I, I was in it. And I also was into, uh, the stuff with Ethan, um, the transgender about to, up with Ethan, the transgender about to man about to, you know, go through the transition, etc. And, and I thought it was very interesting, this idea of that this person who identifies himself as a man, but can't really skirt the reality that he has a vagina and has to have a

pap smear and has to face, before he can, you know, have the surgery and start the transition, has to face a brutal reality that he has a vagina and has to have this test, the pap smear for the first time. I thought that was actually very interesting and an interesting angle to the transgender experience um an interesting tension in that person's life and uh also uh kind of funny how dr simone kept on calling him by his female name over and over again by accident yeah dr simone's hilarious she's like so she was getting like that mom talk she's like so now do you pee whatever whatever she asked oh yes so the pipes still work it's like oh my god but she actually did really well um she did very well i thought she was very considerate and uh even though she did flub with the name a few

times she was considerate she was open-minded and she had really good perspective on it and um i i don't know i was like really into those scenes i thought it was fascinating a fascinating glimpse into some of the emotional issues that uh come with being transgender um i just like watching simone as a doctor i think she's so funny me too when she was talking to his when she was talking to his mom and she's like so you know that he's here for transfer or you know that your daughter whatever she said you know she's here for transgender surgery and she's like oh yeah i've known i've known for a long time like what do you think you're dropping a bomb on her

it's like let's and now we're bringing out your son. It's like, I don't know. Well, I also, to touch on what you just said, I also just like seeing Simone in a professional capacity because, again, on this show, the women act so crazy that you forget that two of them are actually highly educated professionals, you know? And so seeing that side, I think, is really good. Are you saying that Heavenly is not a real doctor i'm sorry three of them well come on daddy daddy daddy but of course the real heart of the show is this bonkers fight that happened that was again felt very if it wasn't producer driven it was heavenly driven like I'm going to put on a good show because Lisa Nicole comes to Heavenly's office because she wants to put on a show – put on a conference for relationships, which I don't understand where this impetus comes to constantly be putting on seminars to teach relationships. Especially from her. Like we all know your husband's cheated a

million damn times what are you doing it's like i've stayed with him so i've uh i want a conference on how to stay with a cheating lying motherfucker you can't trust yeah it's like what kind of conference is this it's like putting jewel uh it's like putting jewels in charge of like an auto show you know she only rides a bike why would you say like a british british show like okay here's british history oh my god i don't know what to do i'm gonna have a mac and cheese conference once i burnt it oh god everyone at this conference is just gonna to think I'm a dumb American ruining mac and cheese. So Lisa Nicole goes to Heavenly's office because since Heavenly has also declared herself a relationship expert for some reason last season, they decide they're going to join forces and put together some sort of thing. And they start talking about it and they have some sort of quibble about what it's going to be called and so lisa nicole has this awful name where it's called let me teach you about relationships or something like that

or let me teach you how to grow and heavenly's like i think we should call it heaven help us and something along those lines some and then hamburg's like, Heaven's not hamburgers. And Lisa Nicole's like, No, no, it's going to be called Let Me Teach You How to Learn Things with Lisa Nicole and Heavenly right now at the Learning Addicts. Heavenly's like, That's a terrible name.

No, you're a terrible name. No, see, I don't know how we even knew this because you can't even help me in a relationship in the first place. Yeah, Lisa Nicole, I'm finally getting to that. Teach me to grow with you. What? And she goes, now, Heavenly goes, now, this Nicole, you're going to counseling because you're having issues.

And she goes, no, no, get it right. It's like the two highest, craziest voices on this show. Lisa and Nicole's like, no like no no get it right heavenly you don't always go to counseling because there's a problem and and she's like oh really you go because you're happy is that why people go and then they start to fight and then lisa nicole And Lisa Nicole was like, And eventually, it was like the dueling Dinos. Pretty much it. And Heavenly was telling her, she's like,

your husband, what does she say? She's like, the minute you left, your husband told all the other men he doesn't want a baby. And she's like, well, he told me he would be happy to have another. And she goes, you know why people are annoyed by you, you don't let people talk and heavenly goes well they have a problem with you because you don't tell the truth and even your husband lies to you why are you pretending girl and then it heavenly is yelling about how her relationship sucks with

her husband oh my god i i love the idea of a relationship seminar being co-hosted by two people who cannot have a functional relationship with each other even like the simplest of friendships yeah simple as working relationship is dysfunctional and they're going to talk about relationships um well do you want to skip right to the end because that was the best well i want to talk really quickly about the scene that happened after this when lisa nicole went home and talked to darren and uh darren walks in he's like ha ha oh i just had a long day at work you know saving people's lives just what about my day he's like okay i'll start over how's your day and he's like okay well what happened he's like, okay, well, what happened? He's like, well,

I thought that when you said to the guys, when Taya said that you didn't want to have a baby, I thought she was just talking, but now Heavenly said it, and da-da-da-da-da. And he's like, well, what I was just trying to say was that I had some doubts, and you know, some medical things. He's like, I know

about the medical risks, and I know I could die, and I know I could leave my children motherless, and I know I'm too old, and I know there's all sorts of problems, but I still want to have a baby. I'm like, you are a crazy lady. You are a crazy lady. You are so crazy.

Do you hear how crazy you sound right now? You are sobbing and sounding so selfish right now. Did you not see Marissa on Ladies of London? She truly almost died because of what you were about to do. Yes. And it's like a California raisin trying to have a grape it's just not gonna happen you better grow it in somebody else i mean just do something it's over it's time to just say you know what it's been a fun game now it's time to just relax and watch the other players play nobody needs you raising a damn baby you need to calm the hell down over there. And I'm not saying older people can't raise a baby,

but if you're older and you're only having a baby because you miss youth or whatever, not a good reason. To fix problems in your family, more like. And your marriage. That's not a good reason. And I mean, watching Darren, though, because he did tell the guys he doesn't want to have a baby.

And he's like, hum, hum, hum, hum he's like – I mean he was tap dancing like crazy. But luckily she was even more crazy that I gave him time to come up with a feasible explanation. But she is absolutely crazy and like you said, there's nothing wrong with an older person raising a baby. But if you're facing severe health risks and your husband is a doctor and experts are are telling you this is not a good path to go down you gotta listen and you know you're the fact that you are so selfish and so vain that you want to have a baby just because you want one like a toy like a range rover that's like fucked up yeah that's fucked you knew like and also it's like the oldest way to save your marriage in the book and it doesn't work yeah like i've never heard anybody be like yeah we had a baby to save our marriage and we're still happy nope yeah now you divorced with a baby have fun with that yeah and she went she later goes to

mariah to like gain support and mariah was pretty funny she's like she's like well i don't know about this about heavenly you know here she is. I don't know how Heavenly is a relationship expert when she calls her husband Daddy and he calls her Buddy. Rubble ball Buddy. Mariah is such a jackass. She starts this scene by, she's like, well, Lisa Nicole doesn't have a lot of energy,

but I'm already over the top, honey. I need a boring friend. She says everything, moving her head like like, making her hands go out. And she's like, and Lisa Nicole's putting sugar in her tea. And she's like, what you doing to your tea, Lisa Nicole? She's like, haven't you ever heard of the South? It's called sweet tea. And she's like, I heard of diabetes.

And she tells us, she goes, now I know nicole is so tiny with a pouch and like kind of winks at the camera i'm like you are awful it was great it was great um so now yeah now we can go on to the thing at the end of the episode i just wanted to talk about that one scene because i thought it was so crazy so jackie is putting together a photo book for breast cancer which i love jackie but her businesses are not very well thought out i mean yeah and even her husband called her out on it this episode which was great yeah he's like you just need to always do something she's like i just do it for us and he's like no you don't yeah i was like finally someone is honest about these stupid things that all these housewives do and and whatnot um but this business idea i mean it's not a business i guess it's charity it's to

make money for charity but still she's like i want to put together a photo book of women who have survived breast cancer and also women that don't have breast cancer so you're just going to take a picture of women you need to be more specific it's very much like Asa's relationship gallery yeah I'm going to have I want to show people

in different stages of relationships and then you know a single person and then Mike and my dog Golden Nessa lighting her leg hairs on fire instead of shaving here's some ceviche so um let's see here okay so that's her big thing is this photo shoot yes and every she wants everybody to get naked kind of like the hot fireman calendar or what have you or the old ladies doing a naked calendar girls with the older ladies make a naked calendar to save the

firehouse or whatever it was uh but lisa nicole and mariah are just being bitches you know now they're teamed up so they are gonna refuse to do it and not that anyone not that anyone showed their tits by the way but yeah exactly she's like these are for my husband these rocks and socks are from my husband only okay doctor just going off so lisa nicole's like i will not show my breasts either and they walk in and immediately just heavenly and lisa nicole they're like okay we're on tv let's scream at each other yeah poor jackie's like are they really i could spit fire right now and then they make the top chef sound effect where it's like for sure yes they did badminton showed up in a bikini she's like did somebody say tablas so basically um what was this fight she's like so miss simone wants to walk in and give me this

oh mariah so miss simone wants to walk in and give me the cold shoulder after all these years i don't want to talk to the easter bunny anyway and then she makes like a easter bunny face i'm like you are an awful human being okay yeah like it's not even i was laughing i'm like yeah not even cute why would anybody talk to you like you you're untrustworthy and terrible yeah exactly no basically what happened was that lisa nicole and heavenly were trying to kind of be more mature to talk about what happened the other day and of course it led to them fighting all over again and jackie just had had enough and she just came over and she just screamed at them and she really screamed and she really was like leave shut the fuck up this is like very important to me get out of here right now and then she stormed off and she

slammed the door so hard tv that was mounted on the wall shook, which I thought was impressive. And then afterwards, she was then like in her like little dressing room. And I don't remember who was consoling her. I think Simone was in there. Maybe quad quad who is fresh off of yet another role playing session. I mean, she loves to do some role playing when she interviewed her brother and she pretended to be an employer like every episode. She's like, and I like it. She's always be an employer like every episode she like and i like it she's always either an employer or a tax person that's being mean she's like yeah well welcome

now what do you think you're gonna do for this company for tom warner and he's like well i will install the cable nope that is wrong i don't want to hear about you installing cable I want you to bring some life to this community and he's like uh okay I will be installing cable and bringing forth my my promise to the community and he's like no no one needs that

what we need is for you to tell us why Tom Warner is gonna flourish under your care and he's like uh the sad part is that she was role playing being a scuba diver. What does this have to do with diving? No, she always,

I mean, I love when she role plays because you can tell she loves it. It's her favorite thing to do. Like she'll be at McDonald's and be like, would you like a number five? And well, here, let me,

let me ask you that. Here, I'll be you. You be you. Hello. Welcome at McDonald's and be like, would you like a number five? Well, here, let me ask you that. Here, I'll be you. You be you. Hello, welcome to McDonald's. I'm sorry. Could you speak up? There's a line behind you. Well, I don't care how many lines there are behind me because you are my most important customer, and I want you to have the best experience.

Now, don't ask me to supersize it. Tell me I'm going to supersize it. Don't say, would you like your value meal supersized? You tell me you will have your meal supersized. That'll be an extra 39 cents. Do you understand me? Now, let's go sell some chicken nuggets. Now, let me ask you this, customer.

What do you bring to McDonald's? I can give you McNuggets, but what do you bring to McDonald's? I can give you McNuggets, but what do you bring to McDonald's? I'm the one working here, and I'm trying to sell you McDonald's. It's like, ma'am, there are like five cars behind you now. Okay, so you want to do a role play of a traffic cop? Okay, I can do that. Okay, traffic jam. All right.

What is wrong with this traffic light? Why are there five cars? Ma'am, now we're too deep in the role play. I can't. I'm about to change your life with this drive-thru ticket. I am going to issue you a citation for holding up traffic. Obstruction of the traffics. If I was anybody getting advice from Quad, I would just say Pups in Paris.

Okay. Pups in paris okay which by the way she fully had a step and repeat sign up in her dining room for no reason except to promote pups in paris did you notice that no she was like it was still a thing it is because she literally was like like picking up envelopes from her dining room table and there was a full you know floor to not floor ceiling but like the typical step and repeat size thing in the dining room it just said pups and pears pups and pears pups and pears pups and pears pups and pears which by the way hilarious pups in paris four years later still a hilarious concept for anything oh so back to the end fight basically jackie yells i have had two opportunities to think i'm dying i've never felt so disrespected in my life like she's like going to town and then immediately lisa nicole and heavenly lisa nicole, okay, we'll leave. I guess it was the wrong place. And Heavenly's like, okay, see you later.

I guess we should do it at a different time, Dan. It's like they just finished Bowling League. They're like, okay, good talk. I actually got the sense that Heavenly did, for once, realize that she was out of line. She was like, oh i felt bad for jackie i felt like she really was going through it it was not just

a moment for reality tv i felt like she finally after four years snapped uh because she was you know i mean i think the photo shoot to me as an outsider it's like that's a photo shoot who cares but i actually believed that for her it meant a lot and more so than just the typical reality show. This means a lot to me. Yeah. I love Jackie. It's just that she will never throw an event which people don't ruin by fighting. Or eating pizza.

Or eating pizza. That comes along with having your events on camera while you're filming married to medicine okay absolutely part of it darling all right well that wraps us up for the day uh don't forget that married to medicine moves to friday nights anyone who's watching that show thanks so much for listening find all our links at watch what crappens.com come to facebook.com slash watch what crappens to talk shit with us and other listeners and go to patreon dot com slash watch what crap ends for bonus episodes etc

we will see you next week one week closer to Christmas darling one week darling bye everybody bye hey Prime members you can listen to watch what happens ad free on amazon music download the amazon music app today or you can listen ad free with wondery plus in apple podcast before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com survey