Watch What Crappens - #360: Kandi Koated Fights

Episode Date: January 3, 2017

New Year, New Crappens! We're 5 days a week now, and we're kicking things off with a Real Housewives of Atlanta / Top Chef double-take. First, the Kandi-Phaedra feud spins off the rails as Porsha gets involved in the mess. Then it's on to Top Chef where a biscuits and BBQ episode causes all sorts of drama amongst the contestants. Timecodes here: 00:00:00 - Intro 00:04:38 - Real Housewives of Atlanta 00:58:41 - Top Chef See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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slash watch what crap ends. Hey everyone, welcome to watch what crap ends the podcast about all that crap we just love to talk about. On Bravo, I'm Ben Mandelker from BsideBlog.com and the Banderblander podcast. And joining me is my lovely Ready for 2017, wonderful co-host Ronnie Karam from trashtalktv.com. And the Rose Prick's Bachelor podcast and real hafas,

the Beverly Hills, audio books, he's just everywhere basically. Anything on iTunes, he's done it. I've got a long IMD iTunes. He has a lot of shit talking, okay? A lot of shit talking going on. Welcome to 2017, Ronnie and listeners. How is everyone doing?

How is everyone faring in this merry new year so far? I'm doing so good it's really good to talk to you I've really missed you we took a whole week off and it was weird yeah I didn't like it yeah it really made me realize how lucky I am to have this show and you guys because people in my real life are like please shut the fuck be quiet you don't have to talk every five seconds of the day I'm like will my real life are like, please shut the fuck. Be quiet. You don't have to talk every five seconds of the day. I'm like, what I do. And I felt myself dying inside a little bit every day.

And then today I came here and I'm blooming like a little bitch flower that I am. Yeah. Well, it was a little weird for me to spend a week not talking about Bravo, but it wasn't a full week not talking about Bravo because we did have a lovely little Google hangout with some of our Patreon supporters on Thursday.

And that was super fun. There was actually only like five of us. So we were all interrupting each other, and it was like a really nice thing to do on Thursday. So that was super fun. Yeah, that was a really fun day. And I'm so glad to be back because we have five shows a week now, five shows a week.

Yeah, this is like, you know, our podcast is turning five years old later this month. So how appropriate that we're going to five days a week, which is a little crazy, a little scary. And we're starting right now. It's a Monday, and we're starting our Monday podcast. Here's the schedule for people who didn't see, who don't know, the new schedule for watch or crap

ends is that on Mondays, we're talking real housewives of Atlanta and Top Chef. On Tuesdays, we're talking vendor pump rules. On Wednesdays, we're talking real housewives of Beverly Hills. On Thursdays, we're talking ladies of London and on Fridays, we're talking Mary to Medicine. We'll do work also our crap in the mailbag segment on Fridays. And who knows when Summer House comes out, we may talk about marriage medicine in Summer House.

You know, keep your eyes peeled on our schedule. But the point is, five days a week, the episodes are going to be shorter. It's not going to be like a big three hour episode on Tuesday. We're breaking it up over the course of the week, so there's a little bit of something for everyone. Yeah. And since it's the new year, why don't you guys tweet us at what what crappens about the New Year's resolutions you'd like to see for Bravo stars.

You guys do it for them because you know these fools don't think they need to fix anything. Yeah, that's correct. Okay, so Ben, let's... And if they did, we'd have nothing to watch. So I feel like I feel strange. I feel strange that we don't have we're not plugging our stuff. We don't have the mail back. I have no buttons to press, but it's going right into a recap. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Let's just get right into it. It feels weird. I'm sure in no time we'll be back to wasting an hour of your all's time at the front of the show talking about Jack shit. But for now, we're gonna keep that down. Yeah, no more chatter, no more chatter. Just write into, write into recaps.

We chatter enough during the shows. Yeah. So which one do you wanna start with, Ronnie? Well, Bann, you know what, gentlemen first. Today, okay. Why don't we talk about real house was of Atlanta. Um, okay. Um, a good. Um, a good. Okay. Macro, real housewives of Atlanta. Candy. What is going on with candy? Is she like one of those

clones that people are always accusing Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump of being where they're just like these clones of people that are filled with lizards inside. What the hell is happening to Candy? I've never seen her like this. And I like it. What are you talking about? Candy's just right justly angry every episode and she's spilling all this shit about everybody that I don't think she would normally do in the past. She's like going off.

I mean, this is the first season I can ever remember seeing on Twitter people going after candy. That's never happened. Candy's like the sweet. I don't want to say girl next door because she lives in a nice neighborhood. I don't. Yeah. She's just sweet like candy. And now she's just like. I'm losing it at Redd Strains. I've still been using to eat. Ben, she's using to to eat that is what's crazy This is now two episodes in a row where she stormed out before eating. Okay, that is that to me is the thing that's scary But otherwise to me is the same old candy. She's just fed up. I get it. I'm still with you candy I'm sorry. I'm not I like her. I like this new candy, but I just don't think it's really her

I mean the real candy would not leave two lunches with only having water. I agree. That's an alarming sign. That is a, it seems to be a red flag of greater dangers, like an earthquake or a cyclone. You know, like when dogs start running around in circles and howling or something,

you're like, oh, here comes the earthquake. She even says the opening differently because it opens and she's like, previously, like she's so mad. She says it like people say seriously on banner pump rules. She's like, previously on the real housewives of Atlanta, like, Oh, no, candy is not having. I guess we should have been alarmed when her tagline for this year was food don't want none don't need none Might give her toy voice for some reason see now food Well, Toya is also on a magical journey this year, but we'll get to that for having wow toy

I am way behind on my marriage medicine since we hadn't covered the past few weeks and we had vacation. Like I am like four weeks behind and yet I feel like it's pretty much the same thing. I'm just gonna assume that no matter how many days they'll have a trouble, or we got back a book of water and then Dr. Jackie is still having moments where she's getting choked up about things and then scolding people and some others saying, No, you can't put a spoon in that drawer. Tori is just yelling at everybody. It's so fun. She yelled at Janice for showing her a house and didn't know the brand of the stove. And she's like, well, still is that. She goes, it's a stove. Yeah, but what kind? It says, it's a gas stove. Yeah, but what kind? And she says, it's a gasto. Just, yeah, but what kind of gasto?

And she goes, you turn on the gas, you light it, and it cooks things. And she goes, Jadis is sure to be right now, that she does not understand the needs of Toya and her family. How for Jadaya, huh? Well, who's so good? We will have to, we will be touching back on marriage medicine later this week, but

But I don't know I'm I don't see that I don't think candy is being any different I think candy has always been someone where if you poke and prodder she's gonna snap at you And she's level headed until you come at her and then she's pretty She's pretty vicious. I mean, I don't think she's ever lost an argument ever in the history of this She's pretty vicious. I mean, I don't think she's ever lost an argument ever in the history of this series. I mean, and she went up against Nini back in season two and got out and they still show clips of that.

They, oh, they loved to drop a blood back clip. I forget what it is where she just yells at Nini. She's like, stop it. You know, I keep on giving her toy of voice. See? Nini. Run is good. I love Toya, so it's okay.

I'll just laugh every time new year new voices. So this episode Opens with Cynthia, which is always about something. Yes, never a good sign for the show I'm like, oh geez. Yeah, good night. And Cynthia isn't even trying okay. This is by the way This is not how even just the show opens. This is how 2017 opens for Bravo, okay? Yeah, it really did. Their first original airing, the first new airing of a TV show on in 2017 starts with Cynthia at Dr. Curves. Like someone doesn't believe in bad juju. Yeah. They're like, whatever we could do, whatever we want. We're Bravo. Click. Did you hear that? That was a sound of everybody

clicking at the same time and getting interested in something else because Cynthia go into a damn doctor girl. Yeah. Cynthia goes to a boob doctor and she just takes all the girls with her, but they don't even get anything done and neither does she. She just goes in and has some guy feel her tits. I mean, what the hell? Well, she probably promised him that he would go on the show if she could, you know, for a free procedure. This scene, they all convened at this plastic surgeon who's practice is called Dr. Curves, which, first of all, I mean, I'm no marriage and medicine cast member, but this just seems like not a great brand. It just seems, it just, it gives me memories of Daniel Stobbs, strip mall plastic surgeon, okay?

Because me memories of my mom saying, oh, everything's different now with curves for women. Curves for dogs. You know, you can go, you can go in there and exercise and men aren't sexually harassing you and you could just be with other women. I'm like, mom, when were you ever at the gym when someone was sexually harassing you? Like, where are you hearing this shit? She talked about curves for six months straight and then she's like, fuck that place. Those women are bitches.

So that's what I thought of when I saw Dr. Curves. That's like, uh-oh. Well, the women arrived like one at a time. So it just was like this, the typical sort of parade of cast members as they do on these shows. And it's like 10 minutes of this waiting room. And the anticipation for Dr. Curves was so through the roof for me because they kept on saying things like,

Oh, Dr. Curves, oh he's really good. Oh, Dr. Curves, oh Dr. Curves. I mean, to me, this was like, I almost felt like we were in a new version of clue. You know, like, where's the butler? Where's Mr. Body? You know, there's like, who is Dr. Kerbs? Are we ever going to see him? Who's going to die?

People just start dying one by one. Like, wait a minute. Cynthia's been Dr. Kerbs this whole time. Dr. Kerbs has something on all of you. Cynthia is doing this in the spirit of rejuvenation because she's getting a divorce from Peter. So I thought, okay, and she says, I decided to give the girls a rebirth.

Okay, what does that mean? Are they getting baptized at Dr. Kerr's? Are they getting breast exams? Are we going to have to watch them like get all their tits mixed because I could actually take that on this show. It would be hilarious, you know, because they're all really funny on this show. What does it mean? It means she's going to go get her boots faddled in front of everybody and get one

of them called really hard and lumpy. Dr. Curse was not being gentle with her. He's like, that one's really hard. Yeah. He literally looked like he was testing bean bags. Like, hmm, this won't be good on our floor. How about this one? Hmm, I think I'd sit in this one nicely.

It's like when you feel excited because you see big bean bag chairs at Target. And it's like, oh my God, bean bag chairs. That's awesome. And then you sit and they're like those peanuts from the UPS box. Yeah. This is not a bean bag chair.

This is lumpy and cheap. That was how Dr. Curse felt her tip. I feel like he was testing the structural integrity of a sand bag barrier for a hurricane. Let's see, is this good? Okay. Well, we can float you out in the ocean so that swimmers won't go too close to sharks, but you're not getting a date.

So he's like, hmm, this one, it doesn't honk when I squeeze it. Well, I love all these ladies getting together and this time is no different. They're all ridiculous. Candy starts it off. It's Candy's first and she starts. She basically tells everybody the gossip. Who's with her? Candy, Cynthia, and who else?

Who's the other one? Candy. Oh, Candy. Oh, Candy. And yeah, Candy, that's right. Candy, I had a surprisingly low profile this episode. Yeah, they're saying that a phagere is gonna be coming and candy just starts laughing because They had their blowout just the night before so they're like what happened and she's like well

I'm man cuz Mama told her and then they cut to Joyce going well I said he was gonna blow you the fuck up blow you the fuck up blow you the fuck up blow you the fuck out that's what he said she's like it was a super cut of joy screaming blow you the fuck up yeah so yeah so candy's based like see nah we got a fight and and she pretty much says the details and she and she's and she's at this point candy is just to just laying it all out there And she's saying how Fadre had a like had chocolate Had another guy that she was interested in who she wanted to marry before Apollo went to jail, etc

And so Kenya and Kenya is throwing down the gauntlet. I mean saying that to Kenya was just they were She knows what she's doing. Yeah, can both of them were so excited and can you think she's not giving me the tea She's giving me a whole pot of Maxwell House. I'm like, oh Kenya mixing metaphors. What a way to start 2070 That girl is filling the coffee Peter is so mad that his brand did not get mentioned. How could she mention Maxwell Hoas? What about Peter's brew? If anything's gonna spill, it's gonna be Peter's brew. So, you know, the thing is this, it probably came off as if candy were being tacky. She was the one, you know, talking about what happened at the fight.

She was the one spreading the rumors. Honestly, candy was just doing preemptive work because we all know that Fadre If can't if Candy did nothing Fadre was gonna go out and still like a drag candy through it Okay, so Candy just like you know what I'm getting a jump on this. I'm gonna tell you know Can you more immediately and just let her handle all the real stuff? Yeah, well see sure did get a hat. She got ahead of it. So we'll see how that works out for her.

I think she beats the shit out of somebody this year. I'm not sure that she beats somebody up, but I think she almost beats up Porsche. Because that was the big thing this year. Is it Porsche, like, apparently runs into the street screaming and just runs back and forth in the street having a nervous breakdown? Every episode, I'm like, is it here? Is it Dr. Curves? And then, Fadre also, everyone sings we're totally off today.

Portia and Shiree, wait, Portia are the first to arrive and they're wearing the same wig which everybody makes fun of. And then Fadra enters and she like, hi, Miss Candy. And she goes, I'm not, she goes, I don't how to keep it cute and cordial. I will let sleeping dogs lie. And if one gets shot, I'm sure it would be howling like that. Uh, did Quad write that line for you? No one shoots sleeping dogs. And if it's shot, yeah, it will be out like what else is supposed to going on with the cast. It came back loopy. She just taking she basically just did a crap and superfight to her on metaphor. She's like here let's pull some random cards and put them together and make an expression out of it. You know what they say? You shoot a sleeping dog that's made of mirrors and

also can change into a peanut, peanut at will. And it's gonna how? It's like what? You act bad with me. You're gonna be a sleeping dog and a dog has and everyone knows the air conditioning and a dog has will make you scream when you die. Like what? You're talking about. You let sleeping dogs lie unless they've got a balance you that they got a hunt and they go and do it for a unique and then I'm sure I'll be watching. You just turn into a commercial.

Let's sleep in dogs lie unless they decide to tell the truth which would never happen because sleeping dogs are liars which is why they got shot and they how. Wrap it up, wrap it up, Pedro. Let's seeping dogs lie except for one of them and then put them on a game show call to tell the truth. They watch them get electrocuted. What? I didn't figure out.

And there you have it. Top Chef season 16. Pedro, what are you talking about? I don't even know. And there you have it. Top chef season 16. What are you talking about? I don't even know. And then she sips, sips really dramatically from a mason jar. Okay. So Cynthia and no one knows what they're there for, but everybody knows what Dr. Curves is. And Bortius, like, oh, Dr. Curves does everybody. You see them donkey booties out there? Those are weird. Those are Dr. Curves is and Bortius like, oh Dr. Curves does everybody! You see them donkey booties out there? Those are weird, those are Dr. Curves! Because this for breast or at, can

we decide what we're doing? Let's focus guys. Let's focus. I know. This is when I was really starting to feel like Dr. Curves did not even exist. Like it was just some ruse that they were just going to be there for five hours in that waiting room before it was revealed. They all know the same person who's been blackmailing them. That's the real secret room. This is the real secret room. All the housewives are trying to go to these secret rooms that they have to get out of. This is Dr. Curves.

This is Caproom. The answer is in your implants, ladies. Dr. Curves is Lisa Wu Hartwell. So they Lisa Wu never forget. So they all go into Dr. Curse office. We finally get to meet him. He's real and he announces that they're basically going to just watch Cynthia take off her clothes and get her beam squeezed and Fadre is so excited. She's dancing in place and she's going Yeah, she was out of control. She was so this honestly at this point I wasn't sure if we're watching Dr. Curves in Action or just some crazy spring break experience. They were so excited. I was waiting for a three-way kiss.

That's why I can't, uh, Fager couldn't be a doctor. That was her first choice before lawyer, but every time she got to a cabaver, she'd be like, look at that kid, me! Get that kid me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH having to get the on a cadaver when you're phased. I. I like this cast I'm feeling really, really happy today. My coffee hasn't kicked in yet. I'm sorry, everyone. I'm sorry 2017 after shaky start for me. I'll support her. OK, we're on the first scene still.

Yeah, that's why. Ha, ha, ha. OK, so basically they go in there. She's got a hard tit. She doesn't know why. And then she's a cheap ass. She's like, well, I did just overpay for a hard tit. She doesn't know why and then she's a cheap ass She's like, well, I did just overpay for a house So that doesn't have to come out right now. No, and he's like well

Unfortunately, it will get harder and harder and harder and harder and co-aculate become like little Legos and your Chet, but I don't have to mix it today, right? He's like I guess not if you don't mind a really super hard brick in your chest She's like, oh Well, it If you don't mind a really super hard brick in your chest. She's like, oh, well, it was dating Peter. I mean, marriage to him. You know, at this point that suddenly this became watch what happens because since he was like, all right, Dr. Curves, try to guess which of these ladies actually has

real breasts and who has implants. I was like, somewhere Andy Cohen is sitting back in his chair and like, good, was smiling. He's gonna see them. He's gonna be like, they stole that. You know, I was watching, I watched a little clip of what happens last week when I was in Arizona.

And I posted like a screen grab on our Facebook page, but it was so, I was so embarrassed for Andy Cohen because he has Trevino on, it was a rerun. He has Trevor Noan and he goes, so Trevor, you once said that laughter is the best effort he's yet. So let's find out what turns you on. And then they like show pictures of people and it's like, so do you get an erection for this?

Like literally that was the question for all these things. And Trevor knows like, eh, I guess yes. And when he said yes, they put the word hard on the screen. Hard. I was like, what? And then Trevor's like, what about this one? What about Nicole Kim? Hard. All right, what about Apple Pie?

Maybe not hard. I was like, this is mortifying. I mean, I know that we are good for some juvenile humor, but it's within the context that we're podcasters, and we like to think that there's some wit behind it, perhaps. But this is just Andy Cohen saying, erection and hard over and over again to Trevor Noah. And John Legend sitting there, I mean,

John Legend's having a good time because he's friends with Andy Cohen. But the entire time, I'm just, I don, John Legend's having a good time because he's friends with Anticom, but the entire time I'm just, I don't get it. I don't get it. For a thing, he's becoming one of those old queens in Palm Springs. I went to Palm Springs a few weeks ago, and I was telling you,

it's like my regular friends, but way older, it's like the retirement for Gays, and it's all these Gays, and you hear these older Gays because everyone's so loud because we're gay, you know, so you hear all this, ooh yes girl. It's like older versions and they're making all these sex jokes, you know, and they're like,

Did you swallow that pizza honey? Yeah, you did. And I'm like, you know what, there comes a point where it's not like you're too old if a, but there comes a point where it's probably wise to just stop making swallowing jokes in public. You know, like no one needs to hear about some 70 year old man in a sling getting pounded by a stripper. Like I don't need to hear it, okay?

Yeah. Well, I think the key is, and far be it for me to say that to imply that we are any wouldier than Andy Cohen. But the truth is, if you're going to make jokes about erections and beingctions and being hard and far, since there has to be some wit behind it. Otherwise you're just writing off of the sensationalism of it all, or the sensationalism. You're just some wonky, id weirdo asking people if they're hard or not. Yeah, exactly. Lime drawn.

So long. We've drawn the line. We've made it a sin. 2017 is all about taking a stance, and our stance is that we're gonna be Whittier. I'm sick of talking about boners. They're speaking about boners. Shere Wittfield has a boner for our backsplashes.

Because the next scene is that we now go to Shatto Shere, which is, oh, budget, and it's also Bosnian as well. But her designer, I think his name is Michelle, he is there to show some samples, which is basically just printouts. The place is still totally empty. And I, yeah, this is basically a scene of Sheree vision boarding.

Yeah, that's exactly what it was. And he, for some reason, I just started cracking up because she walks in the house and he's holding this back splash, but he's about away from her and she's like, what's that? Is that a mirror? Is that a mirror?

He just started, you got back such, you got back such? I love backspin. She goes, and that's your college student. You can't have a house full of IKEA furniture. Like, well, just some furniture would be good and she's telling him, now look, I want a real house. We got him now look I want a real house we got a

deadline I want a real house by the time my house opens I want baseball okay I want air conditioning okay I want I want to be able to take a craft okay I don't want to go down to the gas station every time I've got a craft and I'm just imagining soray doing that right now like sleeping on a little air mattress and crapping at the gam damn arco or My note was, Shere is talking about baseball again. You know what she needs? I hope there's like a walk in freezer so that way when Bob Woodfield comes around, he can actually film a scene without sweating half his body weight. She'd love sweaty men.

This guy was sweating all over the place too. He's like, this is a couch and it's amazing. This shades lounge, I would, okay, now I'm wiping my sweat with one of the samples. Okay. And now back to the shades. And she just looks at him like, what? You just wipe it as simple. You got sweat? You just sample. You just sample. I was going to make a pillow out of that. I was going to make a pillow out of that and some of Cara's old t-shirts. You got a pillow? You got a pillow? So, I run up her.

If Mimi is really in a bitchy mood, she's going to make a gif of Shere going when she sees the price because this guy is $100,000 over a budget. And in anyone's life, that's a lot. But in Shere's, that's like $5 trillion in Shere's money. That's a lot of money. And she goes, she's like, no Michael, Michael, no Michael, I'm poor bitch, I'm poor bitch. Oh my guess, I can't believe that that hasn't been made a gift

and sent around by Nini everywhere. Yeah. Yeah, well this guy has expensive taste, that's for sure. I mean, she's like, well, for just expensive, I'm like, yeah, I know it's expensive, but you don't need a $5,000 chair, okay? He's called, okay, if you don't want to do like, yeah, go to CB2 at least. Okay. How about ZGNL? Or just go to Target. Oh, go to Jennifer leather girl. And actually, as everyone knows, there are some pieces in

IKEA you can get away with. There are. There are. But not chairs. You know what? That opinion is going to change at the next earthquake because that IKEA furniture all going to come apart and fall on our heads. And we all know it. We put it together with L keys. Nothing good is going to happen. What IKEA furniture do you have over your head?

Oh, I guess I do have a bookcase. But my bookcase is Ames that way if it falls, it's just going to follow my dresser. Ben, you've been to my house. I love hanging everything. Ronnie has chairs hanging from the ceiling and his life loves on them. And it becomes a chandelier, because he calls it a chair to lear.

I will hang. I will put that on to tell the truth with the dogs. I actually, I didn't even just feed it because I was like, that's really a good idea. Yeah, I was like, I've been spyingly learning my thing. No, you know what it means to coffee kick, didn't we? We're waiting. In the doctor's scene, doctor curves, I was like, uh-huh, uh-huh, but now I'm like,

Sharers, Rob the ceiling! Okay, bring up some good IKEA jokes and you're in! Ben's Adderall. Yeah, just speak my love language, okay? Or is it say-an-eye-kea? Blacaloon of shares. Oh god, we've been, okay, I won't start a love language, okay? Or is it saying Ikea? Blacaloon version. Oh God, we've been, okay, I won't start a love language story, I'll save it. So she's basically like, after going to what's her name's party? I don't want Titi to switch my house. I was like, okay, well there's a goal.

Happy 2017. So next step, can Titi and Joyce are at the jewelers with the baby to buy earrings for Riley? And a jeweler who looks like a young Jessica Lang. It's the entire time. I just pretended it was Jessica Lang, like showing them jewelry. And at any moment, I thought she was just gonna start doing

a Tennessee William monologue. Well, she had some weird accent. I think that girl was probably born on a farm somewhere a few miles out of town. They didn't know a lot of people. And she's like, I'm gonna be beautiful. I'm gonna be Jessica Loon. And she comes in and she's like, I'm going to be beautiful. I'm going to be Jessica Loon and she comes in and she's like, you like that? I'm going to show you another one. I was

like, what, why are you talking like that forest again? Come on, pretty girl. Her Nashville dreams fell apart and now she's selling jewelry at Salmon Brothers. Yeah, she's saving up for her Elocution or whatever. So they're buying little diamonds for her Riley's birthday. And of course it turns immediately to talking about how Candy told off, Fadre didn't even eat lunch or whatever. Yeah. Joyce is like, you're gonna block me that.

Oh, Candy. And this is just because, well, mama, she didn't like that you were saying, you know, blow the fuck up so many times, mama. He said it so many times, she goes, but it was true. She, nah, mama, could have be said this thing's my favorite blow,

not because we were talking about that. I don't even know, did I? She, nah, did I? And he's like, well, you know, she, no man, cause we were talking about how, you know, Paula was in jail, and then's like, well, you know, she's not mad because we were talking about how, you know, Paula was in jail and then she started fucking chocolate with Paula's film before jail. They cut to the jeweler's face and she's like, um, someone took a donkey to prom and this

is literally the tackiest thing I've ever seen. She just rehearsing lines from Blue Heaven. Whatever that was. What was that movie called? That just go like one Oscar from. I don not sure. She just rehearsing lines from Blue Heaven. Whatever that was show. What was that movie called that just go like one Oscar from? I don't know. I didn't do my music. I think it was Blue Heaven. I was looking at you just why for something or was that?

Well, there's my Blue Heaven, which was with Steve Martin and. Yeah, that was not Jessica Lane. No, but I would love to see Jessica Lane and Rick Moranis in a movie. Yeah, now there's a couple that would get you. I didn't have it in the sound, right? But we're close, having sky close. You know, it's like blue sky. What a perfect title about some wife can be. Anyway, so the conversation then moves from like a little recap moment to then talking about Ryle, because Ryle's birthday is coming up obviously and Candy does want Ryle and blocked a start a relationship and talk a little bit and we see a scene of Ryle being like

he's not my father, he's just a birth giver, which made me sad for Ryle, but that's missing it. I mean I was was kind of sad for Riley to accept, A, she's getting diamonds for her birthday, so that sadness was gone. And I can't feel sad for Candy either because you had a baby with someone named Block. Like, what the fuck did you think? I don't feel sad for Candy.

I don't think I think Candy would be happy if she didn't have to deal with any of this, but she's like, see? No, no, no, I haven't really should be your dad. Those were a family. Now, I've been around the block. We know you had a baby with him. Okay, Candy, we get it.

And Mama Joyce is like, Well, I'm glad you finally did it. I can go with Riley and ask him where their money is. I'm just like, no mom. You don't need to be chasing money from everybody that you meet. That's all Joyce thinks so. I'll also be supportive of getting a check from block. So meanwhile, Cynthia after a slightly interesting scene

at Dr. Curves is now back to being fully boring back at the house or somewhere. She's basically, she wants Noel and Peter to hang out. This is like the recurring theme a little bit of this episode is daughters hanging out with their estranged fathers or father figures and so noelle and Peter go to do hot yoga and All I could think about is that Peter shows up to hot yoga wearing two layers. What is wrong with you sir? And then farts and then hearts and that's Peter's biggest contribution to yoga May lays a big fart and then he's like, this smooth.

It's supposed to be smooth. I'll hold it in here. Celebrity Beef, you never know if you're just going to end up on TMZ or trending on Twitter or in court. I'm Matt Bellasive. And I'm Sydney Battle. And we're the host of Wonder e's new podcast, Dis and Tell. Each episode explores a different iconic celebrity feud, from the build-up, why it happened,

and the repercussions. What does our obsession with these feud say about us? We're starting off with a pretty messy love triangle between Selena Gomez and Justin and Haley Bieber, a seemingly innocent TikTok of Selena talking about her laminated eyebrows, it snowballed into a full-blown alleged feud. But it doesn't seem like fans are letting up anytime soon. Despite both Selena and the Bieber's making public statements denying any bad blood. How much of this is teen jealousy and lovers quarreling, and how much of it is a carefully

crafted narrative designed to sell albums? Follow this and tell wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. Cynthia's like, look, you know, I know that I'm divorcing Peter, but you guys have a lot in common. I still give you guys both allowance. Just go see him. Just go see him. Go see him. That way he doesn't call me again. I'm getting sick of it. So they go and know, well, basically gives him the business. She's like, well, you're my father. And

you know, I know you're not my real father, but it's like nobody even cared about my feelings, because you guys got to force and no one even said anything to me, which is really sad, but it's a leader. Yeah, exactly. She's like, you know, don't ask me if I would miss you, you know, ask me if I miss Peter. And she's like, I mean, I don't miss you, but just, you know, on principle, he should have asked me. I made that up. You were the first person to show me dinosaurs. It's like, don't do it real. I can never, never mind. I was going to try to make some force joke about flower on your face. Something about his beard.

I was like, no, this is just not going to end well. So I'll just abort it right now, which is a good metaphor for relationship with Cynthia. That's actually what that's what the vow should have been. I didn't even know I was missing you until I was making some rice the other day. Your picture was staring back at me. And I thought, yeah, I wonder what happened to that guy. I didn't even know I was missing you until the weather said it was sunny.

And then it was rainy. And I felt so much disappointment. And I thought, Oh, Peter. Oh, okay. So FF. That's good. Yeah. Well, he, well, he just goes, well, sometimes adults are selfish.

I like you think, Peter, you're like, that's like, should be the banner that is above bar one. I am selfish. I Peter and selfish. Well, you may forget me. No, well, but the people in that yoga class never will. Yeah, there's a smatsy. It's going in there now.

So many people who quit yoga that day, they all contract a mess with me. You'll Like uncle Ben farted in yoga. I'm never going back So let's see so speaking of the China's now let's go over to the vagina store where Everybody's picking out vagina tweeters So this yonni eggs and yonyni eggs, I forget what they're called, not Yoshi eggs, but yonni eggs. So when this scene started, I was starting.

A little Pokemon. Yeah, this basically Kegelballs. When the scene opened, I was starting to roll my eyes. I was like, oh, another one of these stupid scenes about vaginas. Like, oh, it's either a shading of a giant out or a pleasureing whatever. It's like, ooh, but then the scene actually really cracked me up. I was dying in this scene. I loved it. So me oh my god. So the ladies basically like welcome. Yoni is a sacred word for woman vagina. So just put this little egg in there like a tampon

and Porsche's like a tampon way, point of point of information, my rabbi's son was named Yoni. Well, there you go. He must have been held in a long time. Like Yoni almost didn't make it into this world because he didn't get his first breath until an hour after he was supposed to. My wife was never so happy as when she was,

she was pregnant with Yoni. My wife was the first person to give birth and have a tighter vagina afterwards. Thanks, Yoni. Happy parmin. So then Porsche gets her turn to make a saying that doesn't make sense. Oh, I'm off of a jineanna was to look like she raised hamstrings. Ready to pants.

Portia was out of control. She was great. She's like, when time on Do Crosshead line, meeting having sex, come in the snapping turtle. He's like, okay, bye. He's like, you know, it's hard enough dealing with the vagina tentada myth. Now you introduce snapping turtle to it. Come on. So, Shemia, of course, his orgasming all over the place.

Like we don't hear much from Shemia, but when we do, it's always really funny. She's like, Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, I feel it. I feel it. And then they're, she's like, now put your ass in the air as those asses are humongous. And they're putting them in the air holding their little eggs in there. And Shirae comes in and she's like, now what kind of exercise class involved talking booties in the air? I just love that one Shirae even before she said that their asses were up in the air Shirae just walks and she says, uh-oh, you got eggs inside you, you got eggs inside eggs? I got got this book but I ate him. He's supposed to nourish yourself but an ex up you.

Candy was probably pretty pissed because this is this has been a good time for some bedroom candy and instead the ony egg got the all the attention. But those are much cheaper the bedroom candy stuff. It wouldn't be crystal eggs. It would be like those little colored plastic eggs for Easter. You know that you put jelly beans in for the kids. I know. You know, Yani should come out with his own eggs for women and then he could play special synthesized new age music while women pleasure themselves. Or I should say, Crystal Egg with like a terrible throw, you know, like long hair and a mustache.

That's how you pull it out. It doesn't have strings. long hair and a mustache. Should you put it in? That's how you pull it out. It doesn't have strings. It just has long hair. And you stick it in to make your vagina tighter and more spiritual. Then you pull it out and you have a sepseki afterwards. Your vagina is like 1999 with a special offer and free delivery. Do you know I had a Yanni CD when I was younger? Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. That was the, that was, that cut me to the core. That was the closest we've ever come to having a fight on this podcast. The amount of disappointment that you just showed. I was just kidding. Was anything, anything, like that just trumps anything that no one could have felt about Peter.

I was just thinking if we were friends back then we would have got our asses so kicked you with your yawney I've got my I had Amy Grant and I had all I had Amy Grant and you yawney and you Lennox. Oh and there are any Lennox. I never had an Annie Lennox but I still like her when I see her on a ward shows I'm like wow that woman is feeling it. That's a little Talk about someone who looks like they've got a Yoni egg up there. She's like, oh, I mean, she sort of looks like a Yoni egg. Let's not, let's be fair.

You just think Annie Lennox is head up here, badger strength in its walls. And she'll see, sorry, she'll come out doing an air harmonica. You are put a spell on your vagina. Oh my god. He pull it out. She just goes, wow. He feels sad. Oh, so where are we in this? Okay, so Portia is mad at candy. Okay, so afterwards, they're gossiping in the lobby, right? Yeah, as they do. So, um, so Shre is who's such a gossip is talk, tells tells everything that candy said. And Shami is chiming into, um, because they're talking about Fadre and Fadre having a man while Apollo was going to jail or

liking. Oh my gosh, Shami,, talk about loose lip synch ships. She's like, that's why you need a Yani egg. Yani egg. You need a Yani egg. That's like literally the only lipstick I have. I had to put it in there. It's like, here's this for later.

It's like a little scrap of paper. So Shamiya's like, well, when I was married, Fager tried to haul him, my husband. And they were like, what? And she was like, what? You got a holiday at your husband? it's like, well, when I was married, Fager tried to haul him, my husband. And they were like, what? And she's like, what? You got a holiday at your husband? She's like, yeah. Like, she would come up to her to party

and just like walk to him like this. Mm. And then one time she said to him, I can't believe you put a ring on. I can't believe you put a ring on her finger. Like, mm, okay, that sounds like Fager. I don't understand how that's really worse than what anybody does on this show, but okay,

I'm glad to meet you as making an effort. Exactly. And then so then Portia starts getting mad and she starts saying things that I actually couldn't find. I was able to ultimately follow it, but she was speaking in sort of enough abstractions oddly enough that it was hard. She's like, well, I got one friend saying this and then if you could say this about my friend And you're my best friend and my best friend said this and if you're ex friends with my best friend

And you and then you shouldn't be saying about your ex-friend because it should be in the streets I'm like wait, which who are you talking about? Are you mad at Shamiya? Are you mad at Fadre? Are you mad at candy? What's going on? But I finally sorted it out and She ultimately That's one thing but then when they tell all other people in the street and then the people coming here You got to you got to add in your vagina and people are like that's true now because you know the egg make it true and that's not right What is that egg dude you what is wrong with you? Oh? My god, don't leave on this egg what the other egg did.

Oh, she broke the egg. So basically, because then now suddenly Porsche is saying, well, candy is starting to rise about me and her baby daddy. So I was like, Todd, what? And then it took me like 20 minutes later to realize she's talking about block. So Porsche is still mad that Candy said that she and block had sex, which I don't think is a big deal. And, but then now she's also upset that Candy

is going and babbling about everything that she, about that whole conversation she had with Fadre. And I actually, I do understand what Porsche is saying. And normally I would say, yeah, it is poor form Candid to go out and now start like spreading this rumor however as we said earlier If Candid didn't do it Candid was just gonna get real rooted by whatever Fadre was gonna say about her once again Yeah, well on any other show they would have just said that's not girl code and that would have been it right But you know this was Porsche so she had to like go around the bot if you will would you believe it We got this far into our first episode

2017 without mentioning Louand Elizabeth getting married to Tom Dagestino. Can you believe it, girls? You know, the biggest shock. Well, I guess we can talk that talk about that on our bony below. Yeah, we'll talk about that on our bonus, but you know what congratulations, congratulations, we are going to opine about Leweon's marriage on our bonus episodes.

If you wanna get involved with that, go to patreon.com slash watch what happens. Okay. Okay. And in the meantime, we've been spending a lot of time on this episode. So thankfully, the editors gave us a scene of candy singing birthday.

Happy birthday to Riley. I was like, yay, I don't have to write anything down. The only thing I wrote is like, wow, happy birthday. And then the daughters are so funny because Kayla comes in. She's like, happy birthday. Molly's like, thank you. Did your dad call you? She's like, yeah, dad called me. And he didn't even say happy birthday. Like like that sad. I don't understand why these girls talk so slowly. I mean you hear you have candy literally. And mom was like, everyone's like chatter and they're like, thanks. My biggest dream is to eat directly from the cake itself. Like, come on Riley, it's your birthday. Have you ever

wondered who invented forks? No Riley, just's your birthday. Have you ever wondered who invented Forks? No Riley, just eat your fucking cake. Get outta here, you're dragging us down. But we did get to see a montage of Riley from when she was little to now, and oh, she is growing up to be so pretty. Oh, we love Riley. She's such a good girl.

Candy's just like, don't wear those earrings out so much with your father. Yeah, so basically, the situation is that block called Riley to say happy birthday and Candy wants Riley and block to go meet and Riley wants Candy to come with her and Candy's like no, and then, Joey, Mama Joyce is like,

well if she don't go, me, Ma, we'll go with you and Candy's like no. But it was actually a really, that was a nice scene, because that's a tough, again, it's my own thing. It was like a real thing, you know, this girl has to have her first sort of adult conversation interaction with her dad.

Yeah. And Kayla was giving her advice. It's like, it's weird, but then it's not. Yeah, Todd's like, well, maybe we should ask Kayla. Kayla, was it weird for you when you met me after you were already, you know, grown and stuff? And she's like, yeah, it was really weird. I was like, how is his hat staying over his head like that? Like, it doesn't sit on your head.

It was just like hovering above it. That was weird. And he's like, okay, I'll come. So then next scene is Shirey, Porosha and Fajr are having like, I mean, Shirey, Shirey and Porosha are just going everywhere to get in this episode. I mean, it's like, why do we not see them going to the DMV? Why don't we see the choppy at Michaels? They're just doing everything. I'm in a race. Yeah. So they go, they were in Michaels. I got that like a second later.

You got read you got read. You got read. I'm a portrait. There's a Pedro. They start talking about the young young yags and I'm sure Ray's voice becomes possessed. She's like you wouldn't love that. She was so excited. The more excited she gets, the deeper her voice gets. She just got real excited. What was with that waiter? He's like, oh, welcome to the Risterone Jha. And she goes, you got sweet tea. And it goes, we did a lady named Mikaela taught me how to make it.

It's like, okay, we're weird. Thanks for the backstory. Thanks for the origin story on the Sweetie. Who is this Makayla? And what does she know about Sweetie? They're like, she's from Decatur. So, so Fadre said they, again, they confront Fadre like this. What Candy's been saying, yada yada yada, and Fager

of course fully rejects it all and starts calling Candy's employees thugs. Uh, and of course the big bombshell is, I was gonna let you do the bombshell. Oh, I don't remember I'm reading through my bombshell. Okay, the bombshell is that Fage was like well, you know Candy and Shami are really tight. I mean She's like putting her fingers to be the whole she's like yeah, yeah, you know and poor she's like what that mean She's like no, no I don't get it picking the nose and those pickers. No, no Other other touching woodpeckers in the nest? No. Why would you even have that imagery in your head?

I know. Like woodpeckers. So like, they fucking. Ah! But what about Todd? They're all fucking. Oh, at least they share. I don't really doubt that because Kambi is pretty freaky. I mean, she had that podcast or I guess she still has it. Candy coated. Nice. It's talking about

her dildos and it's a sex show. It's a very sex positive show, if you will. I don't doubt that they have a little threesome action going on. Yeah. I actually don't. I think and by the way, that's a very different thing to say that Candy Todd and Shania have screwed around versus Candy having a secret affair with Shania because one is in the fair and one is just like, three adults been freaky. I just, I don't think there's,

I don't think there's really, and like I'm like, I don't know, I don't care. Like, I don't care about, I don't care about, I don't care about, I don't care about, I don't care about, I don't care about, I don't care about, I don't care about, I don't care about, I don't care about, I don't care about, I don't care about, I don't care about, I't care. Well, I don't care about all the reasons. She was just like, okay, she's going to out my dirty girl talk business. You know, this is stuff that we talked about as friends and girls and we're always going to keep together, even if we don't like each other, you still keep each other's secrets.

You know, so fuck her. If she's going to do that to me, I'll give hers away. But yeah, unfortunately, you know, Candies is not bad and Pedro's is way worse because she's trying to get a divorce from somebody. Although, I don't know how that's going to be a problem. Like the guy who's in jail is going to try and get money from you because

you had an affair. Like you committed felony. So I think that's worse. But I mean, I don't know. Well, I think that Pedro has more of a facade, you know, she has, she's tried to cultivate a persona that she's a southern

belt, which is the proper thing. I mean, this is a woman who lied about how old her baby was, her fetus was when she gave her a shot. It was like, oh yeah, it's four months old. You know, that happens. Like, no, you just didn't want to admit that you got pregnant before you got married. So, so many is totally comfortable lying in order to look more proper. So I think she is a, I think she is a, a, a, a, a look more proper. So I think he is. Baydra is a known damn liar. And I love it because she's still on here and she's still making the dumbest comments. Have her.

She's like, I find it interesting that candy doesn't have more important things to do. Like be a mother. Instead of talking about what we spoke about together, which is kind of admitting the truth. And she goes, now candy, don't dig a grave for me, because you'll be the one to go in it. My guess, if you dig a grave for me, you'll have to be twice as big, because you're gonna be falling in at first.

And actually, when she said that, I was like, ooh, I like that. I was into it. I felt I like the image, but I think it could have just been one size fits all grave. I don't know why I was thinking about that. Oh, she's like, if you didn't love her. She's a candidate. Joyce, you could just get a real one size fits all great.

That's what the poor people do. I mean, we just be cremated. We could all have been young. You've got to love the fatress. You've got to love the fatress in a fight right now. And her reputation is kind of being ruined. And she's still plugging her funeral business. Yeah. So then we go to Cynthia, who is in full flesh. right now and her reputation is kind of being ruined and she's still plucking her funeral business.

Yeah. So then we go to Cynthia who is in full fledged. Now she's she's boring, but now she's boring by a lake. So she's talking with her with Mal and her mom and like, you know, divorce renewal. Uh oh, so well. So well. She goes, you know, this is my six year anniversary. And it's ironic that now we're at a new house in front of the lake.

Like that is not ironic. Okay. It would be ironic if you were like drowning in the lake. Yeah. Maybe ironic if there happened to be a dinosaur skeleton over you by the lake. That would be interesting. The most interesting. If you're if your mom and your sister hid your divorce papers in the lake so that you The most interesting part of the scene was the fact that when Noel came with the champagne, the court popped up by itself on the way down the hill.

And I spent the rest of the scene thinking, wow, so it must be really hot, but then the champagne would be hot. And they probably would talk about that. It probably was from all the shaking, from walking down the. It probably caused so much pressure for the courts pop up. I'm like, oh, yeah, isn't this still talking because I'm thinking about how the court came out? Like what kind of trader Joe's bulls it is that sparkling wine? I'm running a letter of Marnellies. So now the next scene, unless did you have anything else you had to say? Sing about just Lake seeing about the court. Yep.

Good. Cynthia is going to start in her own sitcom called Nightcork. And Marquis Post is going to be there. A bull. Isn't that his name? I was always so afraid of bull. Bull is going to be there and then Neenie will be playing the part that was originated by Marsha Warfield.

Oh, was not her name Marsha Warfield. She had a talk show. Oh God. I'm telling you, I'm ready. I'm ready. Neenie leaks is too is too much to be on night court. I think Neneleaks should be bull and they should just make her stand there with no lines and we can just watch her head explain. Who would be the judge on Atlanta night court? I feel like it would be Porsche. I feel like she likes to do some magic tricks. Yeah, but no one would ever understand the like the the ruling at the end. She'd be like, well, here's the deal. You was with your husband, but then people on the street were like,

what? And that ain't right. Maybe like, uh, did we win or lose? Is there so? Doug Lou Allen would be out there like, okay, how do you feel about that? We honestly don't know. And meanwhile, Elaine Booster would still be showing up playing the blind lady. And meanwhile Elaine Booster would still be showing up playing the blind lady. Elaine Booster is like guilty, you're innocent. Men need to stop drinking milk straight out of the carton. Am I right girls? Milk Tormay shows up, even though he's dead, the ghost of Maltormay comes and inspires Porsche every episode.

Okay. So now we are with candy, Porsche and charade at lunch. And this was so funny. So it's really awkward. And Porsche does that thing where she's like. Yeah. Someone else started. Yeah. Portia and Portia tells us an interview that candy is a bully. I'm like, come on now. Candy is not a bully. You're the woman who attacks people. But even then, even then I wouldn't, I actually don't think anyone on this shows a bully. They're all just crazy bitches. Yeah, exactly and also this isn't about you Yeah, like worst things have happened that then Porsche fucking some guy a long time ago

Like no one's no one's stocked by that Porsche So he's ready to go who was the one who starts it? Sure, right. Sure. I was actually playing the role of the judge of of had judge Harry from Nightcork She was the one who was mediating the situation. She's like, well, that's what I'm doing. So the first thing is that, you know, you said that that Porsche had sex with Block. And then Candy's like, but because she did, she's basically like, yeah. And Porsche is saying that she didn't have sex, but Candy's like, but she did. You were doing him. You did. And she's like, well,

you told everyone that we were sleeping together. And then they do do a flashback of candy saying that they were, I think that they were kicking it, which is ambiguous because that's slang. So we don't know. That could mean they're sleeping together or that they were just dating. But the point is, I don't understand why Porsche is so like, why this is the thing that bothers her so much? Porsche's issue has always been focused. If she had just gone in there and said, look, you're supposed to be best friends with a phage or a long time ago.

I know you're not friends now, but you probably both got secrets. And I'm friends with both of you and I really hope that you guys can work it out. And in the meantime, don't be spreading stuff like that because you're making it unfixable in the future. Or something. That's, but of course it's portion. So she's like, and also you said that Buck or his penis is entitled me. I'm the street.

Who would do that? Candy's like, what? I don't even get to order calamari. So then Saray is acting like she's the big mature one. She started it. Saray started all these fights this year. She just repeats everything to everybody. So she's acting innocent.

And then finally, Candy is like, here we are at another lunch. I don't even get to order a fucking meal. And she has no patience. Yeah. No patience for this, which is great. And by the way, before she loses it, and you're going to describe how she loses it, but in my head, I'm like, poor, sure, you are so dumb.

You think you can take on Candy Burris. Candy Burris has literally never lost an argument on this show. And when she gets, when you summon like a wake in that beast, it is a beast to be reckoned with. And you're about to wake in it. Be careful, Porsche. Be careful. Well, Candy's never fought, well, actually, that's not true. She fought with Cam and she's pretty dumb.

I was gonna say she's never fought with someone this dumb because sometimes the dumb wins, you know, because Porsche is like, yeah, but I didn't like how you say that. And Candy goes, you know, you know what she was saying? You know what she was talking to people? She's like, what do I know? What do I know? What do I know? What do I know? What do I know? You know, that's a pretty hard argument to fight against. It's true, but at least coming from Porsche, what do I know? You know, that's a pretty hard argument to fight against. It's true, but at least coming from Porsche, what do I know? Yeah, nothing. So Candy ended up just basically, yeah, just throwing her.

And she's like, everyone thinks Fadre is a goodie to shoes, but she throws a rock and then she hides, but it comes back to me. And she starts going off about this rock and I'm like, oh, no, candy's finished. We rock and blocks. It's hard to keep track in candy's life. But she basically was like, Porsche goes behind closed doors. You know, she tries a little good to you. She goes behind closed doors and says, there were things.

And Porsche says, I'm sorry, Fadre. And Fadre does those things. And Porsche says, you know, well, but you went, like, you went below the belt, talking about husbands and cheating and everything. And Candy is like, well, yeah, but Fadre went below the belt. She talked about, she talked about my man.

She talked about my business and no one talks about my money and that's going to blow the belt in a different way. Oh, that's her true. She really lost it. She's like, yeah, you know what I think about money. She's like, yeah, I know. Yeah, even Portia's like, yes, yes, that's really lost it. She's like, now you know what I think about money. Yeah, I know. Yeah, even purchasing. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Quiet down, Hokey, quiet down. So she leaves and she was like, whoa, didn't he? Well, yeah. Wow, you did so much talking.

We didn't get to eat. But honestly, before honestly before even that happened Candy started dropping bombshells candy was like you you you know I only really talked about this with you and you knew about it and I'm sorry You the reason I talked about with you is because you knew that phadre was with was with chocolate You're the one who took the photo of her that she sent to chocolate and that's when Oh, it's just denied everything what I do what I know what picture what and so candy leaves all pissed off and sure he goes now how does she know so much about what's going on with the truth she she must have been in that closet or something and where she goes or she's still in one I was like oh no Porsche no

Porsche so now you're not only gonna have a lunch fight this could have been fixed but now you're gonna say that candy have a lunch fight. This could have been fixed. But now you're going to say that candy's in the closet, gay. Oh my god, there is no hope for you, girl. Did you learn nothing about the Kim Fields fiasco from last year? Did you learn nothing? Nope. Um, yeah. So that was, that was a good race. Even sure. He's like, they all air an out there, dirty laundry. These bitches are messy Like and I'm gonna tell everybody. Yeah, exactly. It's right Really good episode. I'm liking this. I'm liking where this is all going I'm starting to feel invested in this show again, which makes me really happy so

Yeah, that was me some Atlanta and it was also good to do a really nice long Atlanta episode. It was nice. It hasn't really dedicated a whole episode. But I also, but I think it also worked out well because I feel like this episode had some really good stuff in it too. And on top of that, it was a hilarious episode. So maybe I was a great way to start in 2017. Yeah, but we can't start 2017 without just a little look back at the very end of 2016 and the

previous episode of Top Chef. I have to do a warning here. It's not a warning. It's a thing. I don't know what you call it because I can't think of the word. So I watched this in my hotel room in Phoenix last week. Live from the Embassy Suites. I didn't take notes because I was just watching it for the fun of it.

And then it was like the next day we figured out a whole 2017 schedule. So I'm gonna have to lean on you a little bit to guard the conversation. But I remember I remember a large in most of the show obviously, but you were I. So we don't do full-on recaps to this one. I don't take that many notes. I mean, I still have a page, or two pages, rather, but it's still just top-sham. And I write down stupid things like, did Padma eat? Like, I write weird things down on this show because weird things catch me, but it started

off. They're doing that thing where they're starting off at the end of the last episode. So we're seeing how everybody reacts. So that dude with Fwagra just got kicked off, which is hilarious. And I'm so grateful because you're stupid and you deserve it. Yes. So he's gone, even though I feel guilty saying that because he's fat and he's probably really nice. But we open with, Brooke was in the bottom along with Lena Dunham, angry Lena Dunham. So they're also known as Emily for people who are new to the podcast.

But do you see it? Do you see what I'm saying? I can't see it. The minute I saw it, I can't unsee it. Well, she doesn't look like Lena Dunham to me. Oh, she looks just like her to me. And she has the same, do you ever watch girls if you ever seen girls?

I've actually never seen girls. She's very much like her. Like Lena Dunham is very immature on the show, you know? She can't grow up. She's all driven like her. Like Lena Dunham is very immature on the show, you know? She can't grow up. It's all driven by her crazy emotions. And that's just like this girl. This girl's always about to have a breakdown.

She's always about to make some terrible decision. And so this starts with all the other gestures like, bro, oh my god, I can't believe you're in the bottom. Yes. This is hilarious. They're like, oh, bro. Bro, she's like,'re like, oh, bro. Bro, to high note guys, I know.

I was terrible. She's like, no one is consoling me as much as they're consoling Brooke. And that's not cool. I think it's like crying. She's upset. And then they show at the end of the segment, they all leave the stew room.

And they all literally have their hands on Brooke's back. And Emily's behind. They just leave her behind. And she walks like, hey guys. leave the stew room and they all literally have their hands on Brooks back at ember is behind they just like leave her behind and she walks like hey guys oh you don't understand I just got embarrassing in front of my old chef boss who fired anyway that was so funny so this episode is a birthday curse show because the little Italian Sylvia somehow it's her birthday yeah it's my birthday it's my birthday I was trying to do. It's my birthday. That's how she's funny way. I was trying to do her accent actually in the hotel room and I just because she's she's so nice. Yes, it's it's my birthday. Yeah, she does that thing where

she looks above like she's looking above like she's lifting her head while she talks to you. So you can always up her nostril. It's like, yeah, it's my birthday in her mouth. Oh, it's your birthday! She's like, yes, thank you, Bada. Bada. But the birthday curse is whenever someone's birthday, they get kicked off. And she's like, I'm hoping this does not happen to me on my birthday because, you know, I have goals.

I'm 26. I have my own restaurant. I am on top chef, which I wanted to do. So everything is great. I'm like, oh, you are so gone, bitch She's like my biggest goal is to do a brown potato salad What everybody wants on the birthday, but that's a lot that looks like poo poo So she's like birthday curse and then they show the clips of birthday curse and everyone's just pad my over and over going. Please pack your knives and go. Please pack your knives and go.

Do you know what they have so many curses on this show? Every week it's like, well today I put on my shoe on my left foot first and I know there's the left shoe first curse but I'm not concerned and they show like a montage. So I please pack your knives and go. Every single the left shoe first curse, but I'm not concerned. And they're showing like a montage. So I please pack her nuts and go every single week is a different curse. I love seeing Padma's dead paramass in her row because you can see her thought, you know, she's trying to feel things. And you know, she practices in front of the mirror and she gets out there. She's like, I swear, I was feeling something.

You know what I always think about with Padma when we went to the top chef, event for top chef California, when we went to the top chef event for top chef California when we went to that first event and at one point all the all the judges sat at a table together and we remember we wanted to go home but we had to sit and like watch them and I just remember all us extras were all around and we were all standing so far away and Padma turned around to like the whole crowd And she's like you guys can come closer. It's okay. She like laughed. She was like you guys. It's okay You can come closer and for some reason I always think about that And I like that she says hi like she would pass people and they're staring at her and she go

Yes Also, she's so pretty. You know what? She really is. I actually, the first time I ever met Padma, not like I've met her multiple times, but just twice in life once was with you. And the other time, I went to some strange bravo event

at the Roosevelt Hotel, and that was when I was blogging more. And I was invited to do, do like the red carpet for the event and so I interviewed Padma and I Mean she is the most gorgeous person. I mean went to see her in person when she's all fully done up It was it's breathtaking. It's insane. Yeah, she really is pretty. And that scar just adds to it. She's like Harry Potter, like it lights up and shit. Like you know when Gills close because the scar lights up.

Yeah. The patterns are coming. The patterns. The patterns. So the next thing is, I totally, oh oh they have to make it a good challenge but it's like scary because they walk in there's no lights and they have to guess what the challenge is and they make them stand there for like an hour doing nothing. Well it was kind of funny because yeah because they walk into the quick fire and all the lights

are off and Sheldon by the way is like my back hurts and so I have to add I have to add to Sheldon's like yeah my, my back hurts. I had to have back surgery because things were going great, but then I was carrying this tray of noodles. I was like, Oh, poor Sheldon, that's like the saddest way you need to make up a better story, because that sounds pathetic. I was carrying a pan of noodles, hit by a truck or something in your version. Who would live with that version of a story?

Yeah, Mad Max it up a little bit. So it's like I was carrying noodles on a truck that Sharii Sam was driving very fast. And then we got this water poured on us by the rich guy who had all the water. So we had to try and drink it and then I threw up my back. Okay, there you go. I was about to serve noodles to Zoe Kravitz and then someone on a stick came and soaked up and grabbed me out of the truck and it hurt a lot. Well first, when I was growing up, I could

only play the piano with my foot. So I would do that and then it hurt my back one day. Okay, Daniel Day. Okay. See, I used to be fine and then one day I went on a hunger strike in jail and then I couldn't have my back always heard. It's like, okay, in the name of the father, we get it. It's like, I'm a dais. And my back hurts at the end. Sheldon, stop co-op like Oscar-winning movies for your story, okay? He's like, one time I was like running this race and you know

There were like white people and we're running and then I want like the golden LeBix It's like okay, Shelton. You were not in chair. It's a fire. I was I was tap dancing with Ryan Gosling at a observatory and I heard my back I was like learning how to swim with Mara Shalat Ali and you know I was thinking about what it's like to be a young gay black boy. No, Shalat. Oh yeah, Marley Mattins of Bitch. That's all. No, this one's not about my back. Just had to say that. So anyway, so anyway, so the quick fire, the room is all dark. They're like what's going on and Padma and all the producers were in another room.

It was like punked. She was like Ash and Kutcher. And then the clock starts. Like, oh my God. And then the door opens and they're all the ingredients. Like, this is scary. This is so creepy. What's going on?

And it's like, it's a biscuit challenge. So they all know. At one point, Padden was watching them as they figure it out. And they're like coming up with what kind of biscuits they're gonna make. And the Italian girls like, Oh, I'm going to make a savory biscuit with maybe some cornish on and Padden goes,

Cornish on. Oh, no, this was Brooke. She saw Brooke had Cornish on. She goes, Cornish on. Oh, no, this was brick. She saw brick had Cornish. She got Cornish sound. Oh, Brooke. She's like, there goes my hot dog with Rallesh. So yeah, Sheldon was happy because he had no idea how to make a biscuit, but he was sitting next to Brooke Who's the biscuit queen and I can actually say this is like my top chef bragging Recap episode because I've been to Brooks restaurant,

the triple down in Paya Del Rey, and she used to have these red curry biscuits on the menu and they were divine. They took them off the menu, but they were divine. So, yeah. That sounds good. Yeah, that sounds good. I can say from personal experience, I do believe that Brook is a biscuit queen. The biscuit queen. I really wanted to make biscuits.

I love to cook and I do. I'm very easily swayed. So when I see them making something I like and I can make a biscuit. So I really wanted to go out and make biscuits. But I didn't because I'm at the old of the old Navy line already. Like if I gained one more pound, I'm done. So this was kind of torture to watch. Yeah, this is actually, I actually agree with you.

This is one of those challenges where I got to go out and make biscuits. line already like if I gained one more pound I'm done so this was kind of torture to watch but yeah This is actually I actually agree with you. This is this is one of those challenges where I got really hungry I wanted to try all those biscuits even the limp ones There's a reason limp biscuits can make millions of dollars still delicious So Brooke wins this challenge and everyone just looks at her like fuck you, man. Like they show a clip of all they just show a close-up of all the chefs and they're like Shocker someone's gonna just fucking kill Brooke at some point So that eliminate I do too, but there you know she wins everything she almost won the show

And she just keeps winning even last week when she was in the bottom, they blamed Lena Dunham. They didn't blame Brooke. I think the other chefs, you know. Yeah. Well, it was funny also going back to that first episode where Lena Dunham was like, I just, I hope you don't blame me because, you know, like I feel really bad

because of the way I cut it to two thing, whatever. She's like, no, no, no. We both were at fault, but you could tell Brooke was like, yeah, no. I'm the one who came in second place on the show already, and you're just you. So yes, of course I blame you. She's like, I don't blame you at all. I'm sure the audience and judges do, though.

Bye. I don't blame you at all, because I didn't even try your food, because I knew it would be terrible. So after the Biscuit challenges over, we learned that the, the big challenge, by the way, you know what the big challenge should have been, it should have been brisket. Biscuits and brisket, but instead it was, they did a whole hog. The challenge is a whole hog. This isn't the songwriting show been. The biscuit and brisket would have been such

a good episode. Biscuit, brisket, biscuit and brisket would have been such a good episode biscuit brisket biscuit and brisket Yeah, it doesn't already has like yes. Yes. They finally got it flat them it They could have been sponsored by trisket's too biscuits brisket's and triskits Sandy Duncan's all may wear am I she just flies into the quick fire They're like okay, they're like cute. Badminton in the control room. She's like, all right, that's really sandy dunking. They're cooking it all the sudden.

Sandi dunking comes flying it on cables. Over their head, they're like ducking like there's a bat. Holy shit, what was that? I think it was sandy dunking. Padden was like corner shone, and a glass eye, come on, Brooke, and sandy dunking's like, sorry, that was me. Could you put that over to the side for me on have you ever noticed that Sandy Duncan and Barbara Corcoran sort of look the same

they really do Barbara is like Sandy's older bitchy or sister I get it you're rich Barbara well I'm just telling you I understand business. He's like, yes, Barbara. Well, the thing is that I don't think anyone's seen Sandy Duncan in about 30 years. So it's very possible that Barbara Corcoran is Sandy Duncan. After night school, Barbara Corcoran this Peter Pan had decided to grow up and come up real business bitch. Oh my god. Okay. So the it's a whole hog challenge, which is kind of gross to watch, especially if you've ever had a pet pig named Spanky, you had to give up because you're landlord to bitch. So they basically go to learn how to make this smoke to pig from the chef, you know, the biggest chef in whatever who knows the chef of the blower.

On this show, everybody is the most important chef they've ever seen in their life. Yeah. So they go, so they do this thing, which I actually like this day. I think they've been doing it more heavily since Top Chef New Orleans where they sort of go out and show us a little bit of the food culture of the city. And so they go and they taste barbecue. Because the whole thing is the challenge. They have to decide whether or not they're going to do the pig

with a vinegar sauce or mustard sauce. Is that what it was? Yeah, they had to make a vinegar or a mustard sauce and then they had to make three sides and there were three teams. Yeah. And it was pretty interesting, but these things they have to go so fast.

And it became more about the sides than it did actually making the hot because you just show throw the hog in the smoker. Yeah. And then they had to stay up online. Yeah. So it was making the sides and it's funny watching all of these really good chefs freaking out over like mac and cheese, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Well, so it was interesting because Silva has been great all season, but then he had his first major misstep because he made a like a hoisin, he added hoisin.

He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. He had a hoisin. I love hoisin. You use that. I make cashew chicken a lot. So I've always got some poison on hand. Yeah, that's not for barbecue.

Well, it's like it's for I think it's broken. Yeah, be friggin' like a chicken wings sort of thing. Like I'm sure there's a way you could do a hoisin barbecue, but this was probably not it. And on top of that, the challenge did not ask for hoisin. The challenge was looking for something more traditional. But you never know on this show. They really do fuck with them because sometime, they could have just changed their mind

and been like, well, this was the most interesting team because it wasn't just playing potato salad. It was a green chili tomato salad or whatever. And that's fantastic. And it wasn't just regular barbecue sauce. They put their own twist on it. But instead, they liked the team that did mac and cheese and a regular with regular barbecue sauce pretty much.

And they know what these guys are. I know. I mean, that's a credit to the editing and the way they've put together the show because they have a few question marks throughout the episode and you never know how they're going to pan out. Like, John made a mac and cheese and he had to use xantham gum instead of flour to thicken it up and so was this gonna work. And so you knew that either John's mac and cheese

was gonna mess up or Sylvia's potato salad because she was doing potato salad with what's it called, salsa verde, right? Not salsa verde, it was salsa verde, right? Yeah, either way, they were doing crazy things. So when John's mac and cheese worked out well, then you know that Silvia's was going to be a disaster. Yeah, and he made his, he was freaking out about not having flour for his mac and cheese.

I don't use flour for my mac and cheese. Yeah, I mean, I guess you would have to for that much because that was like a huge thing, but I'm better with cheese. And when he used the Zanthan gum, they were joking like, yeah, it sort of tastes velveteish. I'm like, well, that means that you probably will win this challenge. Yeah, because that is how mac and cheese is generally made. That's a good thing.

Yeah. Try to think who else. Oh, you know who did well? Surprisingly, I think was Jamie. His name is Jamie, right? The guy from Charleston with all the tattoos? Yeah! He did well!

Yeah, I'm gonna cook something for you! Like, whoa, you're terrifying. You sound like you're calling Kerry Potter to hell. Please. I feel like... ...myr your voice. Make an effort. I feel like Jim, our beloved Jim, the official chef of all of Alabama.

I think he messed up, if I remember correctly. What did he make? Well, actually, he messed up his biscuit. Maybe he didn't mess up the rest of it. That guy's funny. I really like how he talks like this. Okay, Tsujimestup. Katsujimade being in.

Oh, Katsujimade is like the typical bully, okay? And I like Katsujim, but you know, we've got to be honest. The guy is such a bully. He gives people shit the whole episode and not even trying to be funny. He's just being a dick half the time, you know, trying to fuck them up on purpose. And he left some part of the pig in the baked beans and the gland sourd. Yeah, the gland sourd the beans. And Tom came over and he's like, whoa, I, uh, not sure what's in those beans, but it's disgusting. It's a sour and gross. And he's like, oh, no, what do not sure what's in those beans, but it's disgusting. It's, uh, sour and gross.

And he's like, oh, no, what do I do? So he starts throwing sugar in. So he gets in trouble at the end, basically. Yeah. And when they're telling him off at the end, which is, you know, just Tom going, well, didn't like the beans. It was a glance. So, and he's like, oh, he starts crying in front of the judge.

And he's like, well, I didn't know what to do. It's like, of course. Typical bully. The second something goes wrong with you, you cry on like a bitch. Yeah, exactly. And Amanda also had trouble with her coleslaw. They basically were a disaster of a team.

Because the other two teams, the chefs really liked them a lot. They thought it was delicious and they got to this team. And they were like, we would send this food back. We do not like it Yeah, my favorite part of this whole episode was the the extras You know the the normal people because they were hilarious. There was there was one lady who's like you know I'm really glad that they did that pickle dish because at a church barbecue

You always get a pickle dish and the other team didn't even have one. That's like, well, thanks. Yeah. Well, I think I got to your church barbecue standards. There's a culinary goal. Yeah. So, yeah, so ultimately, Silvila went home on her birthday and now she's in last chance kitchen. I don't know who she is. I haven't been watching last chance kitchen, so I don't know who she is battling against. But I'm guessing Sam. I think I'm gonna give Sam something. Should I look? And also.

No, no, no. Oh yeah, sure, go ahead, look, I don't care. Okay, let's see. I'm just gonna click on it, and we're gonna see what happens. Cause they're actually, Brabos become pretty savvy about not showing who else is on it. Like they don't, in the previews for it, they don't show who somebody goes up against.

They don't say any description. It's not in any of the thumbnails, but guess what? We're about to find out right now live. I think it's Sam because when they show the clips of last chance kitchen, Tom's like, well, how do you feel? Last chance kitchen. And she's like, which is how she gets around Sam. She gets off Lurdy.

Yeah. Well, that's not coming up. Oh, maybe it starts giggling. Like, I was gonna say a little bit. I'm next. Sylvie enters. Last chance, here it is.

Okay. Sylvie. Yeah. Okay, never mind it. Sylvie did it. They don't tell you. Well, no, the player was acting funky. So what else is new?

I just like that, um, this is the last thing I'll say. I like that Gail came on in a terrible pattern, of course. And then she was being so rude today. Like sometimes she's nicer and sometimes she's just mad. And today was one of her mad days. And she's like, the vegetables were gloopy. I was like, thank you for making Gail say gloopy, because that's the most amazing thing I've heard all year so far.

I love her. Oh, yeah. Well, anyway, that brings us to the end. That's, I was busy going to say that. So anyway, we, yeah, here we are, done with our Monday episode. Remember to tune in tomorrow. We're back tomorrow.

And by the way, if you support us on Patreon, we don't want to make you upset. We don't want you to be stuck with a huge building at the month So just make sure you you if you're supporting Put a cap on or you don't have to because of course we love it But but we don't want you to be upset and feel like you're overcharged So make sure you you can put a cap on for how many episodes you want to support us for. Yeah, so you know, we just want to make sure that we don't just Yeah, like we're all too far away in that

Yeah, just wait a second. This is my mortgage. Yeah, yeah, so just just just be mindful of that go check your settings I'm in your own so we can all be a happy family Everyone thanks for listening. You know what to do, Facebook, et cetera. Subscribe on iTunes, all that good stuff. We will talk to you all, Maniana. Bye, everyone. Bye. You can listen to Watcher Crappens, add free on Amazon Music, download the Amazon Music app today.

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