Watch What Crappens - #451 Southern Charm & Savannah: Southern Fried Fruits

Episode Date: May 10, 2017

Southern Charm gets a sister, and they’ve probably made out. Let’s gather together to welcome a fresh group of tacky, inbred monsters to the lineup! Enjoy! Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Prime members, you can listen to watch what crap ends at free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts. It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchi blind dates. Cameras off. Voice only. Launching during pride. Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chas, and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. For all of our bonus episodes and premium content, become a member over at patreon.com-watchwhat-crapins. That's patreon.com-watch-watch-what-crapins. You can also find us on social media.

On Twitter, we're at what-crapins. On Instagram and Facebook, at what-crapins. We'll see you there. I've got a problem with the crap. I've got a problem with the crap. Watch what crap is. I've got a problem with the crap. I've got a problem with the crap.

Watch what crap is. I've got a problem with the crap. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. I've been spent so much that happens. Watch what crap ends would like to think it's premium sponsors. Madonna Hines, Mia Hanson Aloha, and Kristi Doherty. We love you girls. Hello, and welcome to the Watch what crap ends podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on YuleBroves.

I'm Ronnie Karram from TrashTalkTV and the RosePrix Bachelor podcast. And here I am with the gorgeous, talented, and about to be live on stage. Ben Mandelker of the B-side blog and the banter blender. Hello, Ben. Hello, can you believe it? Our live show is tonight. It's funny happening. I cannot believe it our live show is tonight? It's funny happening. I

Cannot believe it and I don't know if my brain is freaking out or what but last night I had a dream that I was staying at Joanna crew his house But she lived in like the hills of Malibu kind of like the backwards of Malibu Yeah, and I went out and she apparently was following me the whole time and then she started yelling at me For what I was doing while I was time and then she started yelling at me for what I was doing while I was out and then she started chasing me with an knife. It was the weirdest dream. And then Romain came over and so I was trying to run and hide

and then they got in a big fight and he broke up with her and then she started chasing me with an knife again trying to kill me. What the frick? That sounds very accurate to a real-life situation. I feel like I totally believe that would happen. It was a real dream. It actually scared me. And when I woke up, my dog, you know, my dog's be alert, sleeps on my bed.

And he sleeps on my side. And he was like, he was shaking like he was having a nightmare. So I guess it was really scary. Wow. Well, maybe this is Joanna's revenge since we clearly caused her divorce to happen because we spoke to her last week. We spoke to her on, when do we speak to her on Thursday? Yeah. Thursday we spoke to her and we're like, Oh, that romaine. He's so hot. You did a good job with him. You got to hold on to him, Joanna Groupa. Well, he probably broke up with her because he heard the show and he heard her say I'm a comedian you know I'm so funny and he was probably like I'm not gonna be with a comedian that's it he's like I cannot be with a woman who is in a

movie with Armando Santé and Rob Grand Cascade this is just too amasculating for me how dare you call him a ma a ma de Santé I'm breaking up with you. So that was weird. That is weird. So anyway, we have our live shows tonight. We're going to stream it on Facebook live. So you come to our page, y'all. Our shows at 10 p.m. here in California. So if you're on the East Coast or just somewhere else in the world, you may have to stay up a little late to watch us, but I think it'll be pretty good. We got Michelle Collins. We are sold out and I've never felt so cool, Ronnie.

We are getting all these emails like, can you put us on the list or I forgot to buy tickets? Can you put us on the list or oh my god, I want to come see you. Keep put me on the list. We're getting so many of those and I know you know, we don't Make this is watch what crap and so we don't even know how to make a list We literally had to write them and be like, uh, how do we bring people to this? Yeah, we were and they're like you have five people like okay so Super like this is like my dream to be behind the velvet rope of my own party.

You'll so cool. That's why we'll only play small houses from Taiwan so we can have that feeling. They're like congratulations. You've sold 10 tickets, you're sold out. We're like, yes! Well, we've come a long way from, you know, whenever it was that we played at the improv Olympic and had 10 people in the audience. So, final. Final of whom were waiters. And can I thank those supportive waiters?

Yes. They did a great job clearing those glasses without clinking them too loudly. So yeah, that's super. I'm excited for us. I'm excited to see people and it's I'm just excited. I'm excited for people in this country who are born with roots like the real kind of roots, the roots that go back ages and ages like my grandfather was on a stamp one time when they invented the railroad. Yeah, I'll tell you what I'm excited for more than roots.

I'm excited for ducks because this week's episode of Southern Charm opened with Catherine feeding ducks. She's like, here have some breads. You can be my new Kenzie's. You guys are going to eat so good tonight. Ducks don't go.

Jelly, jelly and louis. Fourth line is such a hurricane here in Duckburg. Am I right? It's so sad when people have never really been sober their entire adult life because you really just don't know what to do. It's like, yeah, well I fucked up today. I guess I'll go sit around with dirty feet and feed some ducks. To be fair, feeding ducks is a very rewarding experience. It's not. They're horrible. You finally get a duck close to you and they bite you. Ducks are not nice people. Okay.

You are asking too much of the duck then. I'm not trying to pet the duck I'm just trying to feed it. This wants to be I just wanted to be near no I've been traumatized by ducks. I've hated them since I was a kid. They used to bite me and chase me and I couldn't even support the movie the mighty ducks when that came out. I refused to go Well, I refused to go see that one also for entirely different reasons. I was not into youth hockey You thucky I will only watch adult hockey. If I'm going to watch my sports, I want to be played by professionals. amateur hockey heathens.

Children getting their fingerprints all over the hockey stick. You call yourself ducks. If I'm going to watch some hockey team. I want to be called the swans. The reason your sticks are shaped like that in an L is because you are losers. Perhaps you should spend less time with Pucks and more time with your studies. Although, guess who I do support? You, Amelia O.S. Divas. I hope everything worked out. It did. I think it did. So there we go. Okay everybody, let's see. We're out. Catherine's feeding ducks. And we sort of have a theme here because then Austin is trying to cook some eggs in his frying pan and he's like,

this damn pan. This pain is so dirty. And then Landon painting with her only friend, the cat. You know, it's amazing how Craig can make his cat so charming. And her cat, I'm like, just drown yourself. She's outside painting by the pool. She's like, look, Kat. Yeah, she's like, look, Kat, I'm painting in the cats. Like I actually want to just jump in that pool and try.

I feel bad for land and, you know, she's sitting there painting that thing. I mean, she's really taking ban or advertising away too literally. I'm like, girl, you really need to learn a lot more about the internet. Does anybody know how to make this move like a GIF? I'm gonna have to do so many tries

to make an animated GIF. Yeah, it's so weird how I used to really like Landon. And now I'm hoping for satellites to fall out of this guy and just hit her on the head. See, I don't know. Like, I do like Landon. I kind of feel like I've been manipulated by producers to dislike her. And so I'm pushing back, but I can't help but feel like I hate her now. The producers don't make her say shit like, is this round worthy? No, she does that. I will not be manipulated producers. I hate lambda none around. Yeah, hugs, opositivity. Yeah. So then we see Craig, we see Cameron waiting

for Craig. This is an ongoing theme for this episode. Craig, I wonder if you're with the listing. This is an ongoing theme for this episode craig. I'm whenever you're with the listing He's late and then over at Shep's house. He's pretending to know how to do his own laundry And some some poor homely girl comes down the stairs like He's like depending on the girl like it's better when she's gone when I wake up because sometimes they want you to go to lunch when I wake up because sometimes they want you to go to lunch. Gars. I like his excuse to get Joanna, not related to Krupa out of the house. He's like, well, Gars, sorry, but something came up. I have to go crabbing.

Gars. I'm like, isn't that what you did last night? Seriously, crabbing is so that's why I'm itching. Could you start here, please, because I don't want to have to drive my car back home feeling like this. That should'll get into my leather seats, girl. And then he's like, I would rather plunge my hand into

murky water and we're getting pinched by a shellfish than hang out with you any longer. Joanna. Another reason she never gets married. He says things after he just boned some young child like, well, I'll call you and we'll do half price one night. Oh,

it's important to having money. You take a host to half price one night. Jesus. Yeah. Exactly. Well, I don't know if that one that will be happening because his doctor calls to follow up on his visit from last week and we learned that chef has bad cholesterol, garsh and an inflamed liver, garsh, garsh.

You have an elevated level of liver enzymes. He's like, oh, elevated. The doctor's like, listen, you don't have liver failure right now. But give it a few days, but you could sometimes have you need a wake up call. And he's like, my mom's going to be calling me. Don't worry, Doc. I like when he's having this conversation about how he could maybe possibly die, but not really at some moment.

He's standing at an angle where right behind him is like a stuck pig statue that holds a dish towel Sometimes I think this show doesn't understand its own symbolism But it's moments like this that I know that they understand just fine. Yeah This camera definitely like we want to frame this just so Please get the dead pig in there, please So over across town, on camera, and it's still waiting for Craig. It's been 25 minutes since she last called him to say

that he's 25 minutes late, and she's speaking to him, and she's like, she's like, Craig, where are you? He was like, well, sorry, I'm still exactly where you left out of the school bus, like so many school buses. It's like, whoa, like turns out I drove into a school bus parking lot. Now I don't know how to get out Craig drive towards the exit I'm just gonna keep driving straight Craig. You're probably gonna drive into a building can't talk camera and just drove into a building

He gets all mad. He's like I'm making my own Google maps Cameras getting so frustrated. But she looks so pretty always always. Then we get a voodoo doll to make him be more on time. The on time voodoo doll. Yeah. So many we go over to Patricia Whitney, which you know it's good to see Patricia because we haven't seen that old slag in a while. And she's in her patio.

She's in her patio bright pink calfdamp on some dirty ass patio furniture. Right. And she's in her patio. She's in her patio bright pink calf damn on some dirty ass patio furniture. Right. And she's like, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael. Yeah. So Whitney and Chancé show up, which, you know, I loved, I love me some Chancé. And they start talking about Thomas and T-Rab. So Whitney and Chancé show up, which you know, I loved I love me some Chancé and they

start talking about Thomas and T rap. She's like, I heard you got how it was dinner with Tom with Thomas and he's saying how Thomas has lost his mojo. He doesn't have that pair of pants that gives him, you know, pussy all the time anymore. So they said, age people love a good muffin top. He just needs to be in the right club dance in the center. What he's got to do is spray some pamm around his waistbands. That way the muffin comes out easily. When he says,

he's feeling older like his time is coming up, mother. She's like, he's making like some like one of those like like like guys from Mad Max Fury Road. Yeah, that's what he's turning into and he keeps just he's like, well, I'll buy any wig mother. And he keeps looking his, he keeps licking his lips more and more quickly. You know, she's like, I don't know, catch a fly out there.

So she's like, why don't you feel that way? So she's like, why don't we have a dinner party and we'll see Thomas and Land and next to each other. We have to dinner. We could go to retired to the living room and watch something like that movie, Why Him, your uncle, your uncle, Jimbo. He's still a blockbuster video. He can get it for you for just scound. Get five. He will be Why Him and we'll answer by throwing dollar bills at her head. She watches.

We'll say Landon, if you didn't know better, you could have wound up with the Y-Him man. But instead you got Mr. Thomas Ravanell next to you, I think the answer is why not him. They should have previews for next week and she's tell Flanagan. It's all about the money, honey. We're going gonna watch the bird cage afterwards. I'm mortified. I'm mortified that she resorted to rhyming. Oh Patricia. So she tells us, introduce and people is falling out of favor because of online Dayton. That's how you meet Jack the Ripper. Ha ha ha. Like Jack the Ripper.

She's like, but you wouldn't know. Ha ha ha. I love some good turn of the century British comedy. The Jack the Ripper did not have online dating. Okay. He met people the old fashioned way. At least this way, you can do a little bit. Yeah. At least you can see if someone looks like their Jack the Ripper. I mean, she just doesn't like it because she's seen when you get turned on so many times. You can end up with Jack Tripper. I never know.

I move off to Santa Monica. I'm the whole host of problems there. I think we all know falling over in the sand and the beach. That's no good. Really, we're somewhere in the off-part room with some of the name Janet Wood. Creed in every time I hear such a name. Chrissy Snow, I'd hate to see what sort of business she's into. I think Whitney's already had too many issues with snow if you know what I'm saying.

No kidding, Whitney's already got that one in his iPhone contacts. So meanwhile, three hours later Craig finally shows up to a cameraman, he's like, oh, I'm really working on being more on time. And again, just see how upset I am, I'm upset because I'm working on, I'm like so mad at myself that I forgot to start the car for like 45 minutes just sitting there.

I was like, I thought I was supposed to drive for me Tesla. I can see you're upset with yourself, which makes it kind of better. But we're going to work on your tardiness. How's anybody friends with her? I have one of my friends I've ever said we need to work on your tardiness. I jacked the ripper her ass. Oh, this is why I am thinking of three's company. Not that we don't mention it 30 times a year anyway, but because I wrote... Patricia was running a Mrs. Roper captain.

Because when Craig arise, they were playing like three's company, uh, clown music, you know, like right when Mr. Roper hears them saying like, man, I really want her to hold the hose tighter, meaning that girl's letting the water hose spray all over the place, but Mr. Roper thinks they're having a threesome. And the music's like the thwong, thwong, thwong, thwong, Craig's like, I don't understand this show. I was really hoping to learn about business. I thought I was going to show about three different companies and like how they grow in Prosper, but like they just keep walking in and out of runes But it's fine. I'm you know, I'm a legalbiegol so Me only go

Once it all I don't know So they go into the house and camps like this just turn cake Craig, which means you just have to turn the cane Then you're inside. I know. I'm also a locksmith. But thanks. Thanks. So thanks for like just turning the key and letting me into this room with popcorn ceilings on.

She's like, it's not a Shangri-La Craig. It's a rental property. Only on this so do people say Shangri-La. And he's complaining about everything. I don't want this in my portfolio. Where's this going to go between sewing and home building, gardening and and Google map. And he gives me a padding.

Google map plotting. He has a caviar taste on a Vienna sausage budget. That's that's a little me in camera because I know I've never been to Vienna. So, so this gives camera the perfect opportunity to lecture Craig about being an adult and I think you have big picture things because I guess she started asking him right about, what does Naomi think about this real estate plan, right? Yeah. Just seeing how much he'll be honest about it,

because she's already taken Naomi out to be nosy. Like she cares. Yeah. I like that Camry doesn't even give a shit. She's just like, hey, you want to come get your nails done? So you can give me some ammo to use against Kreg and Case with me, get some added in the later this later this season. Okay see there you're paying. Yeah she is and that's all she does and I like it.

I like that her role is just to be the gossip. Yeah she's doing a really good job at it. So his version is well we had this really intense dinner you know I cooked a five star a five star meal on a deck of a mansion. So all the unassociages She wants me to focus on just one thing like She's like so she supports sister no, and he's like well, it's more a little communication thing But she says communication is not only the foundation of your relationship with Jesus It is the foundation of a marriage.

You think I want to do everything for my husband? There's a list of crap. I don't want to do for him. And there's a list of crap he doesn't want to do for me. And that is called marriage. She's like, for instance, like sometimes I force him to go to restaurant that he doesn't want to go to. And sometimes he forces me to carry a baby that

I'll have to raise for the rest of my life. That's called compromise. Faire's fair hair. So, the most important thing in a partner is trust and loyalty and she's gossiping the camera and it goes against everything I stand for. If you stand for nothing, you fall for nothing. Wait, how's that go again? If you stand for everything, you fall for it. Wait, no. I think if you stand and fall, then you deliver. Wait, huh?

That rule is on the page between no popcorn ceilings and teach your cat to sit like a human. Do you like my portfolio? It's actually a folder and section the shape of Gizmo. It's a photo. I print it out on my new printer. So I get brighter my folder. Craig, you can't just make folders. It nobody can open.

Don't tell me what to do today. I don't mean I don't like I don't like being told what to do. You can't trap me, which is can open don't tell me what to do today. I mean, I don't I don't like I don't like being told what to do you can't trap me, which is why this is not a trapper keeper grandfather It's now a trapper kids full So many sections now me look I put tabs in I Did our taxes, but now I can't open this folder. Hey, Naomi the the loop ring things. They're like not they're not aligning So like when I turn pages sometimes they like come out like what do we do? I know what to do. I'm getting my bar

Trapper keeper bar. So captured. We know that Catherine is still sober University of Trapper keeper MD We know Catherine is still sober because she's driving a rant and with a ponytail, which is her tell. That's her sober. Yeah. When she's like, I'm wearing a trapper. We're in the Trapper Keeper. I'm wearing a ponytail and a bobby pan sober sober living.

Yeah, she's got a lot of time driving around in her Jeep. Yeah, all season. Well, she wasn't a lot of time driving around in her Jeep. Yeah, all season. She was back on the show until halfway through shooting. So I think a lot of these scenes are like, OK, well, where do you want to drive today, Catherine? I think so. I get that sense too. She films these one-off scenes with people that

have nothing to do with anything else. She just is clearly filmed four months later, and they're just peppering them in. It's sort of like what they did when there's that terrible, like really terrible season of Real House as a New Jersey and they decided midway through to bring back Jacqueline and Kathy. So then they started having all these random scenes, but they're just the three of them together looking at construction and talking to a Jonas brother, but had nothing to do with anything else. This is clearly filmed nine months after production wrapped. Yeah, pretty much. And Catherine, you know, despite everything that's going on, I still like

Catherine, you know, I mean, Catherine's not really one to hold a scene in the Range Rover like her Jeep, whatever they, I think in this town, it's all Jeeps, right? Yeah, it seems to be all Jeeps. I mean, here's the thing. Catherine's story arc this season so far seems to be how far will she push her contouring? Contouring. She is, I mean, here's the thing, Catherine's story arc this season so far seems to be how far will she push her contouring? Contouring. She is, I mean, she has like full on like charcoal on her cheeks now. Like Catherine, you're not fooling us.

If red people were a race, she would be racist right now because she's totally walking around like, I'm red face. Oh, good. And it's, and it's so like so obvious for the line is so distinct. It's like she basically painted two parallelograms on her cheeks, you know? Just like. People respect you more with a square face.

Tell me, you. Tell me, just rambles. I want to name her next child, Rambas, please. Or trapezoid. Chef, it's Catherine. I'm in the neighborhood. I'm back. I'm hoping to make up with you. Maybe after yoga. Is that yoga? Holcomb. Orch.

My I've elevated enzymes and she's like, um, you see, um, bye. So they make a plan to go to yoga, and then we go meet Austin. So Austin goes and drives up to Chelsea's house, or as he calls her, hey, cutie, hey, cutie. So he's basically like one of those

Japanese movies where they're dubbed over really bad and he says one thing, but his mouth keeps like What do you do you have so do you have a tick-dck in your mouth? What is happening with your mouth stop talking? It's like he's talking about his head. Yes spit out the butter Scotch, dude. Yes, so Austin is excited He picks up Chelsea and they're going to some like Ruri or a bar or whatever and he's really excited because he can't wait to impress Chelsea with his beer knowledge I'm like has has anyone ever been impressed with anyone's beer knowledge ever

Yeah, he says so he's like no no one dislikes beer She's like what he's good feeling to be introduced to beer you like what a feeling He's like fond of honey fond of honey. Now, here's the thing though, like, I'm not saying beer is bad. I love beer. I just don't think if someone talks to me about beer, I will ever be impressed. And someone's like, well, this is very hops forward. This hops, if you taste, you can taste a little bit of, you know, you can taste a little bit of the barley in there. This one's been aged, but I'm like, shut the fuck up. Let me drink my beer. It's everybody when they feel like they're,

their partner is seeing them at their job for the first time. I remember when I was a bus where I was like 15 and my parents came to see me at Applebees just to believe that I actually had a job. And I was like so proud. I was like, they are seeing me me pour water to like four people right now. I felt so amazing. I'm like they're gonna do so proud of me and meanwhile they're like he's

a fucking best boy. Great job, Eddie! I remember when Applebee's opened up in my town. In my town for some reason there were no real chains. There was McDonald's and Burger King and Dunkin' Donuts, but that was that we didn't have Taco Bell, we didn't have. Yeah, but Applebee was the start of the casual... What is it called? Like casual sitting, the dining or whatever? Yeah, I know where you're talking about it.

It's not fast casual, it's just sort of like slow casual. But I mean, Benagans was around, I loved Benagans. They were, they, those restaurants were around, but there were none. There's no red lobsters. There's no chilies. There's none of those in my neighborhood growing up. So when Applebees came, it was like, oh my god, Applebees come. We didn't even know what Applebees was. Like, I'd never even heard of it before, but I could just tell it was going to be a place where I could get things that were battered and cereal. Yeah, I like it too. And so I was so excited. And I remember one day I was driving with my friend Michelle through the streets,

the mean streets of Mount Kisco, New York. And we saw lights on in the Applebee's and we saw people in there. And we got so excited. We're like, it's open. And we like stopped the car, turned around and we pulled in. We walked into the Applebee's and there was like plywood everywhere. And there was essentially like a staffing meeting going on. And we just walked into the staffing meeting and and there was like plywood everywhere. And there was essentially like a staffing meeting going on. And we just like walked into the staffing meeting and asked that they

could serve us and they kicked us out of Applebee's. We went with everybody from the neighborhood. It was like the whole coldest act went to Applebee's. That was like the new thing in El Paso, you know, and there was like a line for 45 minutes to get in and we went and then we got our food. And my mom, I mean, you could be in the four seasons or the Apple bees and she'll still say the same thing. She's like, um, these cheese sticks frozen. I mean, what crap. You know how much money we could make doing this? What are these? That's an onion ring shaped like something else. Oh, leave. Yeah. I'm telling

you when that apple is open, oh my God. The lot you had to wait an hour to get Yeah. I'm telling you when that Applebee's open. Oh my God. You had to wait an hour to get in. I am the joy when your buzzer went off and you were seated and you had that menu. That was my first time. It was so exciting. Oh, I'm telling you, I loved going to Alvvees. And I haven't been to Alvvees in probably like 15 years now. And now I really want to go. I really was a proud of working there. It was like the fancy place in El Paso. And I was like, I got a job at Applebees. I'm so happy.

Oh my god. Applebees, if you want to be a sponsor of this podcast, please contact us because we'd be happy to show for you all the time now. I'm in that mode. Although it was the first time I was ever fired because I refused to dust the tops of the picture frames. Like who does that? Like it's so stupid. You know what? I'm glad you drew that line. I did. Why should you be? Why should you be given that indignity? I'm Rondall Caram. How do you do you serve? Future podcaster. And when I got fired they said you know you're a bad apple and

you're fired and I was like no they did not just say that and guess what yes they did I'm still trying to help yeah I'm still furious every you should say well you're a crab apple sir like that's a great idea for an app oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, He just want he just didn't like to be the last to know and she's like well It just feels real nice that people fight over me makes me feel special and she does this thing where she raises her eyebrows a lot like yeah, yeah They're an odd couple they They're an odd boring couple they both have odd odd ticks, which makes me think they're going to last forever. You know, I think that he might be able to interest Chelsea in beer if he got her a subscription

to something like Savio Magazine or Food and Wine. Be note though, those subscriptions actually really add up a lot. Do they not? They sure do. I mean, even when you run a beauty salon. Even when you run a beauty salon, you know, the amount of money she has to show up, putting out all those outdated magazines out front, that's a lot of money.

She could fix Austin's hair with that money. Yeah, she could be learning so many things by reading Vogue or Cosmopolitan. So many magazines that this fledgling couple could learn from and could grow their relationship with. But you know what, they probably don't. Because they like that's too much money. Well, guess what?

Guess what? Those two idiots don't know, that there is an answer to the woes, that their relationship will be fixed if they sign up for texturing. Guess what? Your relationship with everyone, including God will be fixed with texture.

You think Jesus would have a stack of 30 magazines on his coffee table? No. No. That's one iPad with a texture app, because it's only $9.99. It's like a Netflix for magazines. Why would you pay $8 for one magazine when you can pay $9.99? Not to mention. I'm making money. When you could pay $18 million for unlimited. No, you can pay $9.99 for unlimited magazines, you guys. It's actually a really great app and it's better than the app we just came up for with Apple from Apple. These okay. And by the way, if that Apple, if that Apple, if the crab Apple app from Apple

these became a real app and it was written about in Bon Appetit, you would read about it on this app. The tech. I'm loving your tap dancing right now. It's our first official tap dance for texture magazine. We deserve a raise. Well, you know what? Texture deserves a tap dance because you know, I don't want to just give the people the same old copy because I want people to know it's actually a good app. It actually is. Yeah, we use it. We really do. I mean, it's really, really good. And then what's the best part is that you use it. We really do. I mean, it's really, really good. And then what the best part is that you can read something, you know, like even like the New Yorkers on there, like, it's not just,

this isn't just an app for like, you know, random crap. That's the New Yorkers. You can read it and then impress people at cocktail parties, which is really my M.O. Yes. And if you use texture.com slash crap and so you get a 14 day free child, a trial For 14 days you get a free child

You get a free duck that you can fade Listen if you really think about it though, it actually I think people don't really appreciate how it make how much a big sense. It's literally nine dollars a month basically. You get all these magazines for $10 a month. Do you realize how good of a deal that is? And then if you use our code, and by the way, please use our code, because if you don't use our code, then we don't get credit for sending you there. And if we don't get credit, we're gonna cry, okay? Yeah, so use our code, okay? Texture.com slash crappins and you are gonna get a 14 day free tri-yala. Yes, and these are not the crappy web versions

of magazines, the actual magazines that you flip through and they are searchable. They've got a bunch of extra content in them. So why just subscribe to a couple when you can have all your favorites on your smartphone or tablet all the time for way less. Yeah. It's texture.com slash crap ends texture.com slash crap ends texture.com slash crap ends. And now you don't have to impress your date with your knowledge. You can impress your date with real knowledge. And because it's only fitting to end this texture ad, let's have some crazy

disnant horn pop for Cameron and her weird doll Tonto. It's like I love Tonto the lunch and Your name is mama still batonta is a reference to the doll. If you say Mama Estelle, I think of Golden Girls. And then I think of Estelle Getty. And then I want Cheats. I think of Pizza because it reminds me of Mama Celeste Pizza. I feel like Mama Estelle and Mama Celeste were probably friends. And probably Mama Celeste, Mama Estelle's Pizza recipe.

I made a fortune off of it. And it's bringing it all so that she can totally understand all that drama. Yeah, I like a backstory. So, yes, so Cameron and Chef are meeting at some place called like the dead pooch or whatever. This place is haunted by the ghost of a dog and a queen and lady. He's like, I love cams whimsy. I like that she had a separate chair for mama, Tanta. Tanta had a seat at the table. This ship is, she thinks she's so whimsical

because she believes in crazy things. And the way he justifies it, he says, she's married and bored and she has to believe in something. Like love, God forbid anyone believes in love chef So shop tells cam that he had an epiphany gosh My epiphany is I need to drink less like I don't know those in epiphany I think it was just an order from the doctor. I have a wandering enzyme in my liver Come on chef even your insides can't commit

No, that's Craig. My enzyme still hasn't taken the bar in the middle of yelling at him. My enzyme totally lied to me about bar paperwork. Gosh, my enzymes 25 minutes late to lunch. And Cam thinks the same thing about chef. She says he's just bored. If he met somebody he could connect with, it would give him options of other things to do. For example, pull weeds when your husband says to you, even if you don't want to or just lie there without content, just like your husband says he wants to. Or you know, just shut the fuck up and not talk when your

husband says he wants to. That's fun. So Cameron then declares that she's going to cast a love spell on Shepp and Chelsea. And she does this by basically giving Shepp it looked like a doll of slender man. It was just like this creepy, you know, Tonto relative. Oh, yeah, it was just a bald feature list thing and it had a huge weiner, which he was, you know, ton to relative. Oh, yeah, it was just a bald feature list thing and it had a huge weener, which he was, you know, mad about because he's like, gone, now you're making the, the doll make me feel bad. Geez. Um, and when, when he says, he brings up bro code, which is

kind of hilarious, because he's never believed in it before. But he's like, she's actively hooking up with Austin. And she goes, now listen, like, she's actively hooking up with Austin. And she goes, now listen, ship, women lack to be hunted. Like, you know, this is how rape starts. Do not tell him they need to be hunted. There's entire movies about people hunting other people. Yeah. I want to be hunted. And on top of that, Cameron's plan is for Shep to leave this creepy ass doll on Chelsea's doorstep. And so I think unfortunately, that's gonna leave a vibe of stocked, not hunted.

So I advise against doing that. Yeah. So violin quartet music is Michael Setset. I love this song. It's time for the dinner party. And I think it's like actual violin. They're like, it might've been. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b- It might have been. Maybe Whitney is cousin Serena,

since she's not doing much these days, is in the back corner playing the violin. Maybe some quartet. Because you know, he's related to Serena Alchol, just a little Easter egg everyone. Serena Alchol, MTV News, anyone, anyone. So Patricia is, so I love Patricia, because I love the entitled man she has when she's

like, you know, putting together a casual dinner party is easy, you know, I plan the menu, someone could get, I'm doing the sitting arrangements, it's easy. I'm like, yeah, it's easy when you're not doing any of the work. Then you print monkeys on some place holders and everybody knows where to be seeded. For these kids, Whitney's friends, I just have someone pick them all up in a station wagon and I can just go to Costco and buy all the liquor. I was a little sad to see that the chef was not what's her name Suzanne. You know, there's like that chef who shows up once or twice a season.

She gives a cooking class. She'd she had to make a prime rib. Then she then she cooks dinner for you. I was waiting. I was hoping for her big moment. Camerna's like a microwave. That is crazy. I'm not a home maker. Yeah. So while Michael and the gang are sleeping away over this casual dinner, we then go over to Craig who is doing God's work by embroidering Gizmo on a pillowcase,

a fancy pillowcase, and even more hilariously, he's not even really doing it himself. He just set the sewing machine to like a cat stencil and it's just doing it. I was like, you're, you're that lazy that you can't even do the lazy thing that you were doing before. And it's a cold war over there because they just had a fight on the parents patio or whatever about how Craig can't concentrate. So Naomi comes home from being at work and school.

She's got a backpack, she looks exhausted and he's just ignoring her and she's trying to ignore him. So she tries and she's like, what are you doing Craig? He's like, embroidering our pillowcases. Craig, those are nice pillowcases. He's like, well, you like gizmo. That is a monkey. It's a monkey cat. Don't get my dreams, woman. It looked like a blood stain. I like that phrase. Like, she's like, still what'd you do today? He's like, well, I may have potentially bought a house,

which is the last thing that you want your slacker husband to say. Like, no, don't tell me you just spent $200,000 of our dollars. The time change in France means your parents can't deny that bank charge right? Craig I just sent in my absentee ballot for my cron Craig the election already happened Hillary for prison Craig She's already lost get over it. I'm talking about Hillary's swag. You know, she's a criminal. She lied about being a boy.

I don't even know what you're saying anymore, Craig. She didn't think her husband when she was an Oscar and it was because of his amazing talents and many different things that she won. Well, shut up, Craig. This is not about that was. So she's like, I call you me because. Can I call you my gosh. So she says, I can't take you seriously. You're so machine. I am sorry. And he's like, well, that's what I have going on. So whatever. So where you so pissy? And he's like, cause I don't want you to be mean. Like, you know, last time I told you about my dreams, you just shit all over him. Craig, your dream was to embroider gizmo on a pillowcase

and you just did it. You don't have any dreams left. Wow. I feel more unsupported than a raven-al-child in the womb. So he's mad that he's not getting support. So his very special land and ringer goes off. Boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy,on calls calls is like, hey Craig, are you gonna go to Jennifer's sippin' seat? I Love a sippin' seat because I guess that's just a southern thing. He goes is that a shower?

She goes like a slip-in slide and they only saw the catch and she's like no, it's where you get drunk and hold a baby He's like, oh All right Is that just for girls? No. It isn't that too. It's so dangerous. My sister had one for both her kids. And it really is when it just coming over and going, That baby is an angel. That baby is an angel. Drinking with straws from giant wine bottles,

passing this little almost broken newborn around. Here, catch, Fern. I hope I never go to a sippin' sea. I hope to never go to a sit-in-see, a baby shower or a bridal shower. And so far, I'm doing well on all those fronts, but I think eventually it's going to, the bottom's going to fall out because you know when you're a gay, they people assume that you'd be interested in that. I'm like, I'm not a girl, okay? I don't want to go to a bridal shower. Yeah, there are certain things about being gathered. Great. You still get to go to the bachelor's party and touch the stripper,

but you don't have to be at the hospital. Watch things come out of the vagina. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, Landon's like, so then Craig's like, oh, what are you doing tonight, Landon? I got a new pillowcase for you. And she's like, oh, sorry, but you're just having a dinner party.

She's like, oh, so Naomi immediately has to film. Oh, she is, you know, because because Landon says it's gonna be Landon, Cam and G.Rav, which is actually not a huge thing and you really shouldn't have a film over that. But Naomi is actually smart and she knows what's going on and she knows that Craig is causing her to be ostracized from the main cast of the show and she's not about that life. She got with Craig, so we should be on this show, okay? Although she's not gonna keep me at it. Craig is actually adorable.

So she says, well, there, wait, I just wanna say one thing, by the way, a retroactive defense of Craig. I forgot to mention this. When she said that she couldn't take Craig seriously at the solar machine, raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life.

But come on, someday, parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares a refreshingly honest and insightful take on parenting. Hosted by myself, Megan Galey, Chris Garcia, and Kurt Brown Aller, we will be your resident not so expert experts. Each week we'll share a parenting story that'll have you laughing, nodding, and thinking, oh yeah, I have absolutely been there. We'll talk about what went right and wrong.

What would we do differently? And the next time you step on yet another stray Lego in the middle of the night, you'll feel less alone. So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job in the world, listen to, I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts, you can listen ad free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. I was like, I get it, but that is pretty mean, because he's adorable at the sewing machine. I'm sorry. I don't think you're sitting at the sewing machine to be taken seriously anyway. No. He's like, I just want my pillowcases to say cat ring. Is that so wrong?

Your pillowcase says Giz and mine says no, get it. No, it now it looks like it just says Giz on mine. But Craig, I sleep on the other side of the bed. Now it just says Mo Giz. I can't even have my parents over anymore. I sleep on the other side of the bed now it just says mojizz Can't even have my parents over anymore. Well, it's funny. I wanted to talk to you about that I was I was thinking about sleeping on that side of the bed now Craig You can't study the bar and change sides of the bed So now me's like did she say they're all going to dinner and he goes who cares you do, but I don't give it shit

I'm happy in my own world Next up paper towels Your son's a board of So I'm gonna rise over at Whitney and Patricia's. And she's like, well, what am I doing here? Usually this is either for somebody to be severely judged or kicked out of the group. So which is it?

And Patricia's like, well, I believe in introductions in real life. So today we're introducing Miss Determis Ravanell of the bridge to miss the land in Tweety Bird's Sackdress of the swamp. Now, here, look at my total bell. Um, yeah, so they, Cameron, look, I need a new hobby, because this is a terrible, horrible, no good bad. I let me I ain't snickered idea Terrible to me here for it. So everyone shows up. I actually liked landans

Tweedy birddress and and they were all based It was like a mini ode to Patricia, you know those big calf. It was like a 10 minute skirt thing. Yeah, so they're all talking about Craig's sewing and stuff, and they're just being all, they're all just sitting there being shady. And then they also down at the table. I have a new mail.

It's a turtle, and you can buzz it with the tail of the head. Look, tail, ring, head, ring, ring, tail, ring, head. And Michael comes in like bitch. I have just said a table, cooked your dinner, swept the patio, and wiped your stains off the patio chairs outside. Are you serious? I am serious. And guess what? I've named this turtle bell, Cooper does the same thing as him. Now, please put it on the outside so it can look in for a long day. So they all sit around the table and they're trying to get,

they're trying to move T-Rab and land and close to romanticly. So they're talking about T-Rab, like what are you looking for? And the lady, and he's like, oh, I want someone I can travel with. Someone who has her own career, someone who's trustworthy. I'm like, well, okay, well, we've struck out an all-fronted land. She has no career. She's not that trustworthy. And I guess maybe you could travel with her.

Okay, one out of three. Fittrisha. Trust is huge. Okay, one out of three. Patricia. Trust is huge. Okay, Patricia. I'm fucking... Gossip. She means like a bank trust. By the way, and London's like,

it's important to have the same hobbies. Ha ha ha. And Thomas is a star-hopp you land in. Ha ha ha. Um. I think it by a pool. Whitney is of course like he's going at this with like a sludge hammer. He's like, oh yeah.

So so land. So you know, so what about the guy you're seeing? He's pretty dumb, huh? He's a dumb idiot, huh? Well, he's not dumb. And everyone starts laughing and Landon's like, I've been in the sound of her a long time and I see that old guys are day young people all the time.

So why should I do it? Actually, I agree with her on this because when she's like, how old to say again, she's 26. They all like, wow, I'm like, do you really? Do you people realize you're trying to set this woman up with a man who's 30 years older than her? Come on. Yes, but at the same time, at first I thought,

well, at least women do, like go for the old rich guys, you know, but he's going for landing. But then this thing came out last week about all of the worths of these, the net worths of the cast. And landing has the highest at 3 million. And so all the comments of these, the net worth of the cast and London has the highest at three million. And so all the comments were like, how did land? I guess she does have businesses that make money. You guys, she got divorced from an extremely rich man. So,

I mean, yeah, that's why she has a house. That's nothing. But right. So Cameron's like, my point of score drew score. Yeah. I think the score for for land and two drew it's hot. So Cameron then is she is like, okay, well, if Whitney is going to go on with the sledgehammer, I'll just I'll just get to the point. She's like, I think you two should day. And then we all were both single. And they're like, well, Landon's like, uh, Teara has like, I think that's a great idea. I'm far from the wall.

These wonderful khakis What do you think about these khakis land and what do you think he's like thrusting his pelvis at her? Speaking of land and has my butt landed in these white jeans So if you marry their mother Would you insist on a prenup? And she's and land is like, I love this game. I love this game. And Patricia said, and he's like, no, not if you trust her later, I would never ask her for a prenup. I just wouldn't marry in the first place. Get a couple of babies out of her. Then trick her into doing Coke and call for a drug test.

And but you should just just goes, Oh, Thomas, you especially should have a prenup if you know what I mean. Let's put, let me put this way. You can't split a blockbuster video card and half, you know what I'm saying? So over at yoga, Catherine is doing yoga. And she's like, I've started doing yoga in California. And it's all about being mindful and present. It's going to be great for my anxiety. Mm-hmm. Yoga is getting a terrible rap from Bravo between Catherine and Teresa. I mean, these are not the people you want to be the poster. It's like Rina does doing yoga right before she goes ape shit on somebody on TV. Vanessa baby. I've been saying it forever. The people who are the most obsessed with peaceful things

like yoga are crazy. Yeah, every time they'll cut you every time. So chef walks in. He walks in like he's you know the star of the show and he is like Hey class Gars drawn your stomachs Gars. Hey ladies, Gars, American flag sucks wacky youthful young Unattached But all the girls are like batting their eyes and they're like you know, it's like little hearts are coming out their eyes. I was like, okay, well I guess so I mean, money does a lot. Yeah, this is pretty boring.

They just basically talk about how they're both, you know, going to be sober for a week. Well, it was funny. Was that Catherine's like, yeah, I went, you know, I was just in the neighborhood of Malibu, so I went to rehab and I'm feeling much better. I was so much clarity and like, I feel like life is good. Did it and jump like, gosh, yeah, I haven't had a drink for three days. I'm like, Chef, I know you're trying to like build a bridge here, but like she went to rehab. I mean, she had like, like you just didn't drink for three days.

And then he feels much better when she's like me too. And they show this like flashback of him making a smoothie. He's like, gosh, blenders. Wow, this bullet is magic. So they just, you know, whatever, they're gonna help each other be useful, which probably won't work out for either one of them, because, you know, recovery is like, it works like 98% of the time.

Good, I mean, 2% of the time. Good luck guys, good luck. Didn't she already lose her custody again? It's actually pretty sad. Yes, and you know what's even sadder? It's for smoking weed. Like her drug test that she took is, she tested positive for marijuana.

That's some bullshit. That is in bullshit. Catherine, fight the power. So Austin, we now have Austin having dinner with his parents. I like having his mom and sort of like, a sassy Felicity Huffman, you know. She is.

That's such a good way to put it. She's like season four American crime Felicity Huffman. Season four American crime. They play some Charlottesman. The crime is a son who walks around with the cops and children who never grow up. American crime season four. So I love Austin. Someone tweeted this out of some,

sorry I can't remember your name, but they tweeted this quote at us and when I heard it, I was like, this is a very funny quote, because Austin meets up with his parents and Austin tells us, no offense to my dad, but my mother was the matriarch of the family. I'm like, well, I would hope that your mom would be the matriarch.

Not your dad. I was usually a work. Usually we're working about the mom. See, it's hilarious. Love the dad. I usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work.

Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work.

Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear work. Usually wear bullshit on empty stomach. Okay, all right. He'll have the grilled cheese and the chicken fingers.

Keep him separate, please. He'd like some mac and cheese, but please make it room temperature. I don't want him burning the top of his mouth. We did that when he was five and he can't keep God damn close now. Thank you. Yeah, Vonion, yeah, Vonion peels here.

And that's just only Apple, please. Okay, great, fine. Just, here's what you did. Just taking onion instead of doing the ring, just like, just shave it and just deep deep fry okay, you can do it. No, you can you can do it. I'll pay extra I'm only 30 mom This fucking show so the parents start tag team teaming in you need to support yourself son Yeah, you need a job. I don't mean just a job. I mean to career. Yeah, you need to career You better get a career. You're smarter than this. Yeah, you need a career because you need to have a wife

and more, you need to get a stressful, it hurts. Yeah, you need to support somebody. It hurts, it's painful son. It's like, wow, you two are making this sound fun. Well, but they have a point. I mean, listen, of course, like it's to look at the two of us. We're like, you know, pot, we're men of a certain age who are podcasting about these people.

And that's our career. But at least we have creative ambitions. Austin's just like walking around selling beer. So as parents, you know, you need to do support yourself more than the hand to mouth because soon you'll have a girlfriend who might be a wife, might be a family, a lot of mortgage and all this stuff. And I was like, gosh. And he's like, he's like, you know, stop asking me.

Well, you like, you ask me what I can bring to the table. There's nothing specifically I can tell you as if he says that is if that's like a defense. I'm like, you're indicted yourself. I didn't come up with a pitch for a job, mom. So you better come up with one. You can't back home run if no one pitches. Okay. So the dad's like, get out of your comfort zone.

Uh, and then he goes, I just want to see you be independent. We'll help you. It's like a, that's not really independence. Anyway, all sense of independent, throw your hands up at me. Know what I'm saying? I was like, I see an advanced room with no hands up. Tell me that right now, Austin. Austin, can you handle this?

I don't think you're ready for this for this jelly. Austin. No, you're really not. That's 50 cents extra and you're just going hand him out. You can have jam, but not jelly. I don't think you're ready for this jelly because you can't afford it. Mama's not going to be here forever. Listen, Austin, I want to say that you're ready for this, Jellie, because you can't afford it. Mama's not going to be here forever. Listen, Austin, I want to say that you're a survivor.

You're really not that. We just got a lot of bills, bills, bills. I like that. Stop ordering lemonade. Austin. Austin. Austin, why are you throwing your middle finger up at us? Now look, I'm dating Becky. Scott good. Hey, Austin, you need to get your life information. Okay. Okay.

Let's go to the presidency. Yeah. Okay Okay. So why does people in the world doing Beyoncé was to their son? It'll work. So, um, so we're at the Cip and see Thomas brings Kinsey, which is surprising. Kinsey without a nanny, but he brings, he brings. Kinsey was there. Wasn't the nanny there because at one point they're like, he's doing such a good job with Kinsey. And you see her over with some nanny being held. Oh, I thought he was just like he just basically pawned Kenzie off on Snowden.

Oh, yeah, you can hang out with Snowden's baby. I'm gonna get a drink. So did you notice the part where Naomi arrives and the clown violin star and they're passing the baby around and then Naomi says something. someone's like, where is Craig? And she's like, he's come and he was like, and then Lantin gives her the shadiest look while she drinks her tea. I did notice that.

It was great. And then they cut to like two eagrets in the marsh. And I was like, who those eagrets are mad too? I love an angry meagre. It is bitchy eagrets. It wasn't eagre. Migrate This bitchie e grits There are like um, they sort of look like Storks or or aren't like like a great like a like heron's like waiting bird They're they're big tall waiting birds that you see in marshes and they're they're just sort of like tall and awkward

They're basically like the shop of birds I hope you come to my safe and say if not, please send your egress. We're going on in hour. That was my sister egress. I know you live a plan. I regret nothing. Happy anniversary, honey. So Craig and Naomi are fighting because Naomi got sick of waiting for Craig and they show clips

They show this montage of her just waiting for Craig not getting out of bed, etc And she's like a version of waiting for good though. Yeah, go on waiting for Craig and Sees pass so she left him at home So he shows up and he's really mad. He's like, whoa, you left me. That was great. Thanks a lot Naomi. It's like, I'm sick of waiting for you.

She said, Craig, I can't tell. Are you actually mad or are you just repeating dialogue with Jurassic Park again? I think I'm mad. I have one thing to say to you Naomi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Naomi, here's what I have one thing to say to you Naomi.

Naomi, here's what I have to say. Clevver girl. Now someone jump on me. Oh, God. So now we're cutting all over the place. Okay. It's a loopy the day. I feel like a crack. I love, I love a loopy episode. I can't even I don't even know how many pop culture references we made in this episode because they're all over the place He left us. He left us

So Cam comes out and tells Craig Craig you got a good off we put in a good offer for that house and they'll probably canner by five So we'll hear soon and a good offer for that house and they'll probably counter by five. So we'll hear soon. And someone says, so this is a rental place and not an escape place for you to go cheat on a homey or something. And she gets, he's like, he's so mad. And she gets, well, I'll just sleep over there if you want. He's like, yeah. Somewhere in the midst here, Patricia and Whitney show up and and JD and Elizabeth, and so Whitney goes up to JD's like, what's up, bra, what's up, bra, make sure up, Whitney, stop that.

So embarrassing. No, she's like, have I shown people my turtle? Psycho, geez. Michael's running from the other side of town. Hey, Michael. Michael, I'd like you to go get one of those e-crets and bring it back to the house. Thank you. So Naomi starts talking to Cameron and Shep. She's She's talking to them because she's venting and she's worried that Craig is being ostracized from the group as evidenced by that dinner party

And she doesn't want to be ostracized and she wants Craig to get his act together And this is an important moment because, well, we'll see soon enough, but first we then see T-Rab and Landon flirting and, you know, Whitney's all excited. He's like, there's romance. And this is what it was. Whitney goes, oh, looks like there's some romance over there. And Craig just goes, is that, is this a thing? Again. I was like, ooh, I like there's some romance over there and Craig just goes is that is this a thing again? I was like, ooh, I like when Craig gets shady. Yeah, because they're always Dropping truth on Craig. So why shouldn't he it's like everybody's pretending that Landon hasn't been fucking Thomas for years So stupid like we already all know this and I love their version of flirting to Thomas is like well Here we all outside look this grass land and grass. Landon's like, yeah,

there's grass over there. That's, that's their like heavy flirting. So stupid. They deserve each other those two. So while Craig is like outside at the, at the bar area or whatever, Snowden is like, wait, I guess I better, my check on this show. So she walks down there and it's like, hey, Craig, why is everyone arguing about you upstairs? You're such a troublemaker. She really is. I love that she's like, my baby almost died. I'm gonna fuck with everybody when I see him.

Like the second I see him, she's like right back in action. So Snowden and Thomas have a moment and she goes, can you believe that we're sitting here two parents? And he goes, you are hell of a woman Snowden. I wasn't sure because of your allegiance to this Katherine. Like you're the one who impregnated her asked twice. She's like 30 years younger than you fucking pig. I hate this guy and she's like well

We had blind and she has some anger issues with me because I accepted I Can't keep from you. He's like that's delusional This behavior ended all relationship. I'm like really because I thought it was me when you got all cooked out and threw her stylist in the pool because she was being too loud at a pool party. You dick. Hate this guy. It's the worst. Yeah, it is ridiculous. So, um, also we should mention that when Whitney found out about Craig getting a counter offer for the house, he was like, you're gonna buy a fucking house, bro. Yeah, bro. You're gonna buy a house. You didn't even have to fucking all

guy to do it. No offense, mother. So then, anyway, some people go the easy route. So now Naomi and so now Craig has heard that that people are arguing about in the M.E.s from Snowden. He goes up stairs and things are really frosty between Naomi and Craig and they are both standing in the kitchen talking to Snowden's mom and they're doing one of those things where they're pertain to sort of having a quote unquote conversation with her but they're really just basically being passive-aggressive and just seeing each other.

Congrats on, congrats on buying a house. And she goes, it's not for me. It's for him. And he doesn't listen to me anyway. And he goes, well, yeah, because she left me in the shower. She goes, well, I am going to leave you because I'm tired of being like, he's always like, I mean, this guy, you can do anything. He'll be like for it. He's like, well, she doesn't recognize the 17 million times. I've been in the door waiting for her

I can be I can leave but she can't leave and that poor lady is just stuck there and she's like okay And then she does that like slow pan of mine awkward running away. She's like, oh, do I see some egress? Bye. I'm not done with you, smoothing. So then Craig. So then Craig and I'm you're now full on fighting and Craig just says, no, me go ahead child, you can speak. Which is really obnoxious. It was funny, it was funny. He's such a baby. She's like, be, you make me late all the time. You left me. Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight,

I never left you. She goes, well, I'm ready to go. And he goes, well, we drove separately because you chose that. Just remember, you drove separately first. So she's like, nah. And she goes to JD and his wife and she's like, can I get a ride with you? We're fighting.

And JD's like, whoa! Relationships are hard, honey. Whoa! I can trip over. And that was kind of it. Yeah, that was pretty much it. Well, except that Whitney says, bro, what's wrong? And Craig goes, she's acting like a moron. She's gonna error dirty laundry. And then he looks at the window while she's talking to JD. And he goes, what a joke. No loyalty. He's like, I can't believe you'd air a dirty laundry before you're gonna chance him brighter any of it. I can't wait until I earn the right to object to this. So that was that was that for that episode.

But as it happens, we were giving the gift that is Southern Trump's Savannah. Right, and... Now, and... Southern Charms Savannah. So, here's the thing. We normally will give a full recap to Southern Charms Savannah, but since we are like overloaded with our schedule this week,

we are just going to go through... We're going to talk about each of the characters that we met in the premiere and by doing that, we'll touch on the things that we're amusing to us that stuck in our brain. Starting next week, we'll give Southern Charms of Anna the full recap crap and treatment. But right now, we're just going to talk about the cast and our first impressions. All right. Let's do it. I think it's a general note for this whole show these people you

know a it's nice to see a show where people actually know each other that's nice for the most part but these you know they've seen Southern Charm they put this show together they know what they're getting into so like any spin-off they come ready to be terrible it's not like Southern Charm Charleston where no one really even knew what was going on. It was like, okay, a reality show in our town, okay. I mean, whatever. Yeah. They took a while to marinate and awfulness, but this cast shows up ready to just be terrible. Yeah, they really did. I think the recurring theme in this cast is that they all went to a lot of them went to private school together to Savannah

Country Day. And so they know each other from that. A lot of them talk about having lineages sort of Southern charm style. Although one thing that we have not really seen just yet is immense amount of wealth. So they all sort of just seem like they're wealthy, but we don't get that. There's no one has a bridge named after them, but I guess we'll just work towards that. They do do a lot of, this is my, this is my ancestor. They talk about their ancestors a lot.

Yeah, and they see things like the guy Daniel who's like the jacks of this show. He starts out naked. You know, it's him coming out of the shadow butt shot. And then he has another one later. It's like a total jacks move. It's like this poor guy. He probably used to be a lot hotter than he is. And he's just struggling really, really hard to be known as the hot one.

Yeah. Which just makes me sad for him after. There's a lot of talk about how hot he is. And he's not ugly. I don't think he's ugly, but I don't see him being this, like the paragon of hotness. He's, to me, he sort of looks like someone who was a child actor in the 90s.

And now this is what he's grown up to look like, you know? Yeah. And he's the Jewish guy, which is crazy in Savannah, because he's like, well, people are still really racist, and that includes against Jewish people. And my ancestor was the highest ranking Jewish officer in the army, or whatever, for the Battle of Savannah, or whatever they did. And I was like, the highest ranking Jewish officer, he could have been clean in the dreams. And he was probably Drinking Jewish officer, he could have been clean in the dreams. And he was probably, he's on KP and he was like, it's drinking Jewish officer.

This is Savannah. Yeah, so that that that's Daniel. Yeah, we saw him naked. He just sort of is like around. He's like a playboy type. It's sort of funny because when we, when his first big scene is with Hannah Pearson, and at first I thought they were dating because she's like making food and being funny. But then Hannah, it turns out is dating Lewis.

And the funny thing about Hannah and Lewis is that they look like their brother and sister. Yes, and they tell us at the beginning of the show, they're like, Savannah is in bread and you have to be really careful who you kiss around here because it's probably your family, you know? Yeah, I'm like, have you looked in the mirror? Although Hannah is from Atlanta, I believe. She's from the Atlanta area. So she doesn't, she didn't grow up with all these people.

Yeah, she came later. Yeah, she came later. Lewis and Hannah are kind of like the boring normal couple. Yeah, I like, they seem nice. Yeah, I like Hannah. I thought she was funny. I mean, I agree. They were like a little bit on the boring side, but they were, but, but so far, so good. My personal favorite so far is Catherine, because she's like sort of, there's like a little bit of it. There's a touch of Kim Zolciak about her. She looks like Tonya Harding. It's like if Tonya Harding, like her Nancy Carrigan, and then someone whist her away and was like, just pretend you're rich here She's like I'll start over and she's just drunk all the time and making sex jokes and stuff

Yes Pretty much and she's the rich kid who called her high school boyfriend to come home to be on the show with her That's another thing I like about this show. They're like we need people to be on this show So just call Lyle. He tells a good joke need people to be on this show. So just call Lyle. He tells a good joke. Welcome's in and it talks like this kind. It's like, hey, babe, they show a testimonial with all three guys sitting there and they're like, yeah, we're going to go at and drink. We're going to hit the table, brother. It's like the saddest bros ever.

I felt like every five minutes was an announcement that someone's just moved back to Savannah. It's like, do any of these people live here? It's like, well, I miss Savannah. So I moved back. And it's like, hi, um, um, pooh, key face. And I just moved back to Savannah from, from Tennessee. I was like, everyone's clearly moved here. Brodie. And Hannah's also the one, she's got a real rich dad and she's a daddy's girl. So they'll have a lot of scenes with them. Catherine, Catherine, yes. Well, what I like about Catherine is like she is clearly a huge snobby. She's like a bitch, you know, but she's like a fun bitch. But what the way they set it up, we really are kind of bearing the lead here, which is the show

sort of opened on what's his face. I want to say Dennis Nelson. Oh, is Nelson not even on the main cast? I wasn't here. He's not on the full cast. That's weird. How is that possible? Yeah, maybe they forgot him. So Nelson, who is an ancillary cast I guess. You know we we open like Nelson and and Catherine and Ashley and Ashley is the our other sort of a big personality on the show and you can tell that there's going to be a Catherine slash Ashley you know territory spat over Nelson because he's there gay or so we would assume., he's like I'm a straight Nyan and Ashley's

One Ashley is the male jacks of the show She's really obsessed with getting naked all the time and seeming really young and like hippie-like and she tells us now I may be from the South, but I'm not I mean I didn't go to country day school And I didn't do all or I think she did go to that school She did but she's like I didn't do the things that everybody else did like I didn't do Catilion. I was like whoa Rebel. She's like I moved. I went all over the world one time I was driving through Dubai and Ray Charles song came on, you know, and I just got so Georgia. I just got so sad. I said I

I feel you Ray. I feel you and that's certainly I had Ray vision and came home She's like and it also helped that I also got an email right that moment saying do you want to be a reality show? But I find actually to be rather annoying so far. I actually do not like her. I think we're supposed to really like her But I find that she's a little affected and I think we're supposed to really like her, but I find that she's a little affected. And I think that her whole thing of like wanting to swim all the time is really annoying. It's like that showy thing of like sort of hijacking a party. She's extremely annoying because she's that girl we all know, especially when we're younger, that is just trying so hard to be different.

And she's trying so hard to be like the crazy one. Yeah, it's like a gross swamp. And she's like, I have, you know what I love to do? Swing! Let's take off all our clothes, everybody. And they're like, I don't know how to get her down there.

Yeah, no one wants to. But she's like, no one will swim with me, honey. And her husband's like no offense, but kind of like below her league, out of her league or whatever. And so he'll do whatever she says. He's like, all right.

Well, there she goes, just swimming. She's like, you have it. Here's the thing, you have it, leaving Savannah until you also leave to a gator. Am I right, everyone? I love muddy water. Sir, a snake around here. Like, come on, dear. We have to go get the pig skull so we can put

in the ground, the ants can eat it off on the flash and we can hang it up on our sea. See, you can leave the limb here. You call your friend over and survive. And you say, listen, cheek. I need a cheek, cheek. And you'll send it right over. I'm just a normal girl. A cool girl. And she's a fashion stylist. Or which means like, you're gonna wear a squenchy today in front of this tree. Okay, thick model. Like oh.

And she's, and I, and she's trying, I mean, she's really into being chic, but she has like the hairstyle of a 48 year old. I'm like, ooh, um, she, her claim to fame is that she made some sort of clothing that Kate Middleton was wearing when Prince William met her or something like that. At Santa Anjus, I don't know.

It's like what? Yes, but she's kind of annoying, but I'm grateful for her because she's also. There's some kind of, she's also knowing Catherine. And you know that when Catherine, you know, when Catherine's going to start a hate campaign against Ashley, and it's going to be wonderful. Well, there's something raw about her needyness and insecurity and sadness that I like. I don't know that she's showing that on purpose, but she kind, it's like just basically watching an open wound that will not ever cauterize.

Exactly. One general note for this show, I got really annoyed when they would be interviewing couples on screen, had it have them a skew, it was really, really bothering me. Did you notice that? No. Because you know when you interview people,

a lot of times you'll have them on one side of the screen. But they had a couple and they were, it just was, it looked strange to me and there was all this negative space on the screen and it was really getting my OCD up and going. I just want to say that. We really, I really want to go back to Nelson though because Nelson to me was, that was the big surprise. So this guy comes on and for the, you know, he's sitting there. He's like, I'm nail scene.

I love being in the South. I've got my two bitches here. I got Ash, I got Katherine. They were great. They're my girlfriends. We're gonna have a great time. We are baby liais. He literally says it first.

Like, we are babyless. We put the baby in sub-aim. I'm like, exactly. And then Katherine is like, at one point, says, have you guys met Nelsie? He is fabulous. Which by the way, I hate, I hate when straight women describe gay men as fabulous. It's like, be more imaginative, please.

Well, they have a party for Catherine's boyfriend who moves back in town to pretend he's in love with her to give a show. La, la, la, who I think is kind of cute in an in-bred way to white kind of a way. I'm like a really overly confident white guy who's not even close to being as hot as he is. I find that hot. Is that weird? I like his deep voice. His voice is deeper than I expected. And I like that he says things to Catherine like,

Oh, now you look like a movie star today. I'm like, what movie? Name one. Literally a movie. I'm like, what is it if I? Oh. So that is gold. I'm going to stick with the girl who played Tonya Harding. I like Ashley to his tail.

So either way, so Nelson's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fabulous, fabulous, fabulous, southern Howard Edge, southern Howard. Because Nelson is, let's name Nelson Lewis or something and he's like comes from generation to spawn generations. And then we see these, these pictures of him where he's basically, you know, worked for this concert, like, work for John McCain and Romney, we're like, oh, God, he's a self-hitting gay. I'm like, this is great. Maintaining the tradition of Cooper, excellent work producers. We've had another self-loathing a. And then at one point, so the Catherine has these party planners that are like two classic wonderful old queens. And she's like, oh yeah, Google Nelson. And they find something. And we learned that Nelson, two things at the

barbecue we learn, a that Nelson pretended to be a congressman and like Condo everyone, which is just a strange thing But be Nelson's like and here is my girlfriend soon to be my wife. I hope Like what is happening with this guy right now? No one gets better blow jobs than a gay sooner direct and straight No one gets better blow jobs and a gay center directs and straight I'm not good jobs when you put your penis under a stall wall in the bathroom Nothing feels better when you can't see your face am I right?

This guy is so gay. It's not even and I don't even care I'm not even using it as a disc. I'm so glad that he's not saying he's gay because I don't even want him in our senses Yes, no, I don't want that either. But and we're not even saying it to like, listen, we're not in the business of outing people or we're trying not to be. But in this case, it's this is just bonkers, you know, and the facemies and those two queens, those two queens know it too. And they're like, we need to talk about the pink elephant in the room. And he's like, how girls I've heard it before.

I am not gay. You girls. Yeah. And they're like well we read in the page CX That you Weren't he got what that I got pulled over and impersonated a congressman? Well, I did it's called a joke and you know like my hero Donald Trump says You know that press is bad press and if I was in the page six, it must really mean I'm something. Yeah. You are something, sir.

Listen, I look to my concern if I was a girlfriend. Oh, God, that girl knows. I mean, some girls just want to marry gay guy. You know, you know, they're going to cheat on you, but at the end of the day, you have fun at dinner together. That's true. And he has a good inheritance. I mean, look at the end of the day you have fun at dinner together. That's true. And he has a good inheritance.

I mean, look, we've seen the hottest guys in Savannah. They're on this show. One refuses to take a bath. I'm gonna be able to talk about, well, I forgot his name, but he was the one who's engaged to happy. Is that the one? The one who's like, Oh, I'm too, wishing it so hard. Oh, no, no, no, I like happy.

First of all, I went to middle school with a great, happy, menacol. So that's so hard. Oh, no, no, no. I like happy. First of all, I went to middle school with a great, happy menacall. So that's what those bitches never are. I've known a couple of happy, they're the most miserable people in my life. Well, I'm not talking about happy menacall, but this happy was not happy. Because she was like, I don't like that,

that nail scene is making a joke of this. You know, he is ruining his family's bloodline, his generations there. And he's making, he's making a mock rib. And he's not taking it seriously. I was like, okay, so I'll down happy. His family has been here for generations and done so much for the community and return for hefty tax breaks. I cannot believe he would act like that.

And then you've got Nail Snow with their like there like well before I was pulled over for the cop I was pretending to be an ambassador for the Bahamas and can you believe it that everyone actually believed it I've been in the White House and now I'm not just talking about the house right grip that was just bunch of white people I'm talking about the actual white house Obama was there. I just like passing him by and going sugar You are a sucker Obama him. Such fun times. Page six people, read up. Oh, yeah, everything just said you big mess. When I was pulled over, I mean, they made such a big to do

that I made this simple joke of like, okay, officer, how about I just blow you and forget this whole thing? And I was like, pong ass crotch like, it's just a joke, people. Girl, gosh. I like when he goes, you, boy, it's you must have heard that I imitated someone and then the fat queen goes imitated who

uh ethyl merman Yes, please keep these old gays on the show forever I go to any of his big pays as a fat guy has to be on every single episode if they know it's right This is what this show needs to do Center the interviews so they're not a skew and keep that guy on every single episode. And also when he goes, the painkail of it in the room, we Googled and he goes, you're voracious. And I like that, what's her face, stupid lady Ashley, she's like, I have saying things. So I know for a fact that he is heterosexual. Like what on earth could you have seen?

Like a lot of money coming your way. I don't believe any of that. So basically, that's pretty much the intro. The girls go for a headmine out and they're trying to do it like this. It's a six-in-monthows of Savannah with me going out. Oh yeah. It's like slow motion and glitter. You know, like that glitter filter on the screen.

And then they're in like pay less shoes. And two of them are wearing poor people pink sack dress things from Ross. I was like, oh, good. Nothing like poor people think and they reach. Oh. They're sitting at like a picnic table. I'm excited.

They're on one of those places where there's like picnic tables in the bar. And they're like, yeah, we'll have a chocolate martin. It's so good. And they can have any expresso martinis. They're like, hey, Christ, you're way gonna get to not girl. Once you're 10, they're like, to not girl. One, two, ten.

They're like, a living girl. I'm like, oh my God, does that ray on it? It has got to be it's equal. I am such a man, so they're halfway through one chocolate martini and, you know, Ashley Borders, which I love that her name is a second rate Barnes and Noble that's closed all over the country now. But Ashley Borders gets a I love that her name is a second rate burns a noble that's closed all over the country now But Ashley Borders gets a call and she's like

Hello, what do you mean the house is on fire? Well, where's your daddy? We'll get your goddamn daddy. Call the goddamn fire. My ass is on fire. I got a gun on fire, I got a gun. Cause your baby got damaged. She burnt out. And her son, who was basically Nelson from the Simpsons from what we see, her son Izzy has started his bed on fire or something. Wait a second, I don't think I even saw this scene.

I don't think that's, this is crazy. I've never even seen this. Yeah, that's how it ended. And then the girls are like, where should we leave? Is her house really on fire? And they're like, I think it is, cause she said, fuck in a lot. And she's running down the street. They're like, well, we should at

least go check on her. And the Catherine goes, wouldn't it be bad to ask for it to go cup? And at the same time, they all go, no, so they all for their martinis and to go cups and call a new bear. And then they get to her house and there's all these fire trucks out there and Nelson, you know, poor little things, like picking his nose in the back of an ambulance as it goes off. And they're like, what the heck is up with that girl? And then they just sit there drinking chocolate martinis. How did I miss this? I don't know, but it was the best part. I wonder how it was like, I'm going to like this

show. You know, I feel like I probably fell asleep and was like, I'll watch the rest of this tomorrow and then I forgot to watch the rest of it. I thought it ended with the barbecue. You probably thought it was the ending Ross commercial. You know, this episode has been sponsored by Ross. Oh my god. I think we weren't doing a full recap on that because I was like, when you said then they go out for girls night, I was like, uh huh. You have to watch it just to see the poor people pink. I love that color. I'm gonna go back and watch that scene because I want to be a completionist and say that I saw it.

What? What are you mean my house is on fire? Is it? Was it Prince William? Was that skull, right? That pig skull. You tell those firemen to stay where they are because I'm gonna go swim. There was someone before this episode. Here's what we do. We just dump the house in the water. Enough urine savanna. You grew up in the water. So then we see scenes from the upcoming season and they get really dark really fast. Of course, they all get really nasty, but they all turn against this Ashley girl because she's trying to be so artsy. And they're like, Oh, Ashley's coming. I bet she takes off so artsy and they're like oh Ashley's coming I bet she takes off for clothes like they're all super offended by her but then Ashley flips a script and becomes a total

evil bitch back and I love it and it ends with her being like fuck y'all and slamming a barn door on them like yeah okay I'm in yes yes um well sorry. I missed that scene. I feel like a very bad podcaster, but we'll have a whole season to catch up. I'm excited. So everyone, thanks so much for tuning in for our Southern Charm shit. And then be sure to check out our live show tonight on Facebook Live. Make sure your house is on burn down while that happens. And we'll be back tomorrow to talk some blue deck, man. See you then everybody. Bye. Bye.

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