Watch What Crappens - #57: Stallion Booty, Kim the Ghostbuster, and Diamond Chakra Poison

Episode Date: January 23, 2013

Stallion Booty, Kim the Ghostbuster, and Diamond Chakra Poison See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Hey everybody, welcome to Watch What Crap Is, a podcast about all the crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from TVgasm. Hello, Ronnie. Hi. Hi, Ronnie. And I'm with Ben Mandelker from B-Side Blog. Hello, Ben.

Hello, hello everyone. I'm just back from the inauguration. I was singing the national anthem. You may have seen me. Yeah, and you taped it first. You weak-ass bee. Weak-ass bee. So awful. Bee-side onse. We're sadly without life on the M-list Matt Whitfield from Yahoo today.

He finally starved himself into the hospital, so he's got IVs. We've been sending over blended mcdonald's to put in his ivs i'm so jealous i didn't know that's what we were sending him i want that no we will be thinner than matt by the end of this season listen i'm actually happy to hear this because i was a little scared that he had fallen into a ghost portal in kim's kim richards house with hearts coming out of it fucking kim okay so let's we've got so many shows to talk about this week and you guys are kind of complaining that we are not getting to all the shows so let's do it this week let's get them all of course we're going to start with the

house whores because we have to so we're housewives of Beverlyly hills yes um like hilarious as usual um i don't even know where to begin we can talk about the ghost portal thing that was like the funniest well i was already excited when i saw the episode description that a medium visits kim richards because she has ghosts in her house i was already so excited about the episode i'm like this can be nothing short of brilliant and sure enough i was very happy to learn that she has a portal in her fireplace and she's afraid that ghosts might come tumbling out of it and scare her. I think it's

going to be like the ghosts of Chicken Salad's past. We were mixed incorrectly, Kim Richards! We have your handprints all over us, and now we're dead, Kim Richards. You used vegan-aids and we require mayonnaise.

I love her. I wish the psychic was like, it is Mr. Drummond from Different Strokes sitting on the, on the corner of your bed trying to give you advice. Okay?

Hey, I got some, somebody sitting on my bed. Hey, is Grandkids here? Hey, I got ghosts of Grandkids. I'm never leaving the house again.

Why would I hang out with Kyle? I got my Grandkids here. Hey, I got ghosts of grandkids. I'm never leaving the house again. Why would I hang out with Kyle? I got my grandkids here. Hey, stop pooping on the floor, grandkid. Crazy kids. Oh, my God. Escape from Ghost Mountain. Oh, Kim, Kim, Kim. So she's got hearts coming out of her fireplace.

Okay, no one else is disturbed that Kim is seeing things. She's hallucinating hearts coming out of her fireplace. How does anybody think that Kim is on crystal meth? I don't know, but I think your dog might be on crystal meth. I know. How ghetto is that with my dog barking? It's okay. I got motorcycles blaring outside my window.

We're just sort of like, I feel trashier than Brandi Glanville in her cheap rental home. It's like Raising Hope, the podcast. You're about to be a ghost in Kim's fireplace, Bueller. Oh, my God. Yeah, you know, poor Kim. She has to rely on a medium to take care of ghosts in her house. If, honestly, she were the star of the next Ghostbusters movie, I would be very happy. If she was, like, the gatekeeper, it would all make sense. Yeah, I would be very happy. If she was like the gatekeeper,

it would all make sense. Yeah, that would be a blockbuster. Blockbuster! Kim and Kyle as the goatkeeper, and I'm the gatekeeper. But they could also be goatkeepers, too. They'd be in like a little Irish movie. Kyle would be a goatkeeper without a... Kyle would...

I'm sorry. Kyle would be a goatkeeper if she didn't swallow so well. Little hoe. You know, Kyle's such an asshole. I'm so sick of watching her stir shit. So we started this episode back at that Moroccan restaurant. Yes, Star McGrath.

Have you been there? I haven't, but it's close to renovations, I think. But you are the Moroccan food expert, so it's bad. Yeah, that place is terrible. It's not good. And it's all kind of dirty, which I guess is kind of Moroccan, but I don't want my hands, you know, chopped off if I steal a sugar or something off the table. The entire place looked like a locker room. It did, yeah. It's like a Moroccan LA Fitness. Yeah, also known as LA Fitness. Good point. Is that like a heavily Armenian place? It's become a little bit more Armenian because the LA Fitness on El Centro closed down for renovations.

So they're all in my LA Fitness on La Brea. Oh, no wonder it's so cheap over there. I was looking at gyms, not actually to go to one, but just because I felt like if I ever get run over or something, I want my wallet to have a gym card in it. I want people to think that I've made an effort in this life, you know? Yeah. Like, oh, he was really just getting into shape and he got killed. That's too bad. He wasn't sitting eating pizza and doing podcasts.

He was having an active life. It's an active life that was just lost. Totally. So we start off with Maurizio saying, oh, you know, I've never been sued in my whole life, but if I was... No. I've never been sued in my whole life, but when I was sued...

You were giving Maurizio the Alexia accent. Oh, I miss the housewives of Miami so much. You're like, I was about to give him like an Elsa. Oh, Kyle. Oh, Kyle, Oh, Kyle. Why you say, Brandy, why you say these things?

Why you not just call her? I'm afraid to attempt a Mauricio accent. I used to be good at accents, and now anytime I'm on this podcast, whatever comes out of my mouth sounds so far from anything. It's all like a variation on Chewbacca every time I open my mouth.

Chewbacca. Randy, why are you saying that? I can't even do it. Can't even do it. Randy! This is what happens when we don't have Matt. Someone said if we don't have Matt, we go on tangents about Les Mis. Right now we're in a Chewbacca space.

Yeah. Randy! What are you doing? don't have matt we go on tangents about les mis right now we're in a chewbacca space yeah that just that just that just sounds like rosie speaking through a shoebox hello mr jensen so mauricio's an asshole and I love that he started trying to turn all charming at the end of it. Like, oh, hey, it was nothing personal. It was nothing personal, Brandy. You know, these are just my principles, that's all. And I personally think that your principles are terrible. It was nothing personal. I care about you and your kids.

I care that they're probably going to all be drug addicts and strippers when they grow up. I'm sorry for you. I feel bad for you. I feel bad for you to have to exhume your vagina every night before you go to bed. I feel bad that you don't know

what a principal even is. I feel bad that you don't know the difference between a principal PLE versus a principal PAL. And I know, and I'm not even from this country. And I feel bad for you for that.

Yeah, that guy is kind of a dick. I don't like the husbands getting involved in things. Yeah, that guy is kind of a dick. I don't like the husbands getting involved in things. I don't like seeing men fight like women. If I wanted that, you know, I'll just go to the Abbey on a Saturday night and watch that shit unfurl. I don't want to see that on TV.

That's true, but it is kind of fun watching Ken get all feisty. He's like, typical man, typical man. I think I just gave him an Irish brogue, but I sort of imagine that he becomes Irish when he fights. Or what about when Mauricio gives him the bottle of gin to, like, half-ass non-apologize,

and he's like, I don't like it. Alright, well, I'm about to go to dinner, so I'll just leave this here. Oh, I forgot it. I'm sorry, Mauricio. I don't like it. I'm sorry, I can't be sipping alcohol, because I've got to push Lisa on a swing lid and I wouldn't want there to be an accident.

Okay. So, I guess that was pretty much all that happened on there. Yolanda is remodeling her ex-husband's house and they have 12 kids amongst her and all her exes. That's kind of creepy. Yolanda is such a, you know, I love Yolanda. I know

we heard from an unnamed source that she is a big see you next Tuesday, but I don't care. I love her because she lives in a totally different world. I love how when she goes, she speaks to this poor guy carrying three tons of marble. She's like, you have to speak English. You know what you have to do? Every night before you go to sleep, you have to study your

English. That's what you do. It's like, you know what? Shut the fuck up, Yolanda. This guy's probably got like six children he's got to take care of. The last thing he wants to do is to be reading English. I'm kidding. Let the guy move his fucking table and be done with it. Yeah, every night before I go to bed, when I came to this country, I would study English after sucking an old man's

white dick to pay my rent. I would study the English, and now I know English. I'm like, shut up, Yolanda. You earned American style on your knees. Everybody knows it. You don't even deny it. Like, every guy you've banged is some rich guy. Shut up.

Yeah, and as far as we can tell, at least one of them has a Jodie Foster haircut. Good for Jodie Foster for coming out. Moham. That guy is so gross. I think he looks, I think, I still think he looks like Cloris Leachman. Cloris Leachman with a better hairdo. My nightmare has come to life. It's like Sphere.

Remember that book Sphere or the movie? It's like your worst manifestations. It's like I have a fear of Chloris Leachman in a Jodie Foster wig. Oh my God, it's Muhammad. I manifested him. Muhammad is one scary ass. And I love that Yolanda acts like she's so classy when she's got 12 children among all of her exes. Like, bitch, that's about as trashy as you come, you know?

Yeah, but that being said, she does dress a hell of a lot better than anyone else. Specifically, I would have to say Taylor, who continued her drunkenness like crazy in this episode. That was awesome. When Yolanda rolled her eyes at her and Taylor's like, well, how about she walk in and she see David hanging from a rafter with a million dollar lawsuit against her? How about that? I love Camille, though. Camille just rolls her eyes and she's like, Taylor, no one wants to hear your story again. That was pretty funny, though. It's like this whole

big fight and Brandi excuses herself and Taylor's like, yeah, I don't want to hear about it. I've been through more than anybody in this room. You try coming in and finding a chandelier made out of your homely ex-husband. Us single girls have to stay together.

We don't need a man. We just have to stay together. That was pretty amazing, and everybody's just shoving Taylor off and ignoring her. I love that. Taylor is kind of becoming one of my favorites now, because now all she is is just a drunken wreck. Yeah, and that's usually when housewives are at their best but i think she's i think she's pretty much done i think

they're pretty much warning us that she's out of here yeah that's all right that's all right she had a good run she had a good run she drove someone to suicide hey that's great yeah yeah you conned a bunch of money out of people you got the homely guy killed and you came out with the book congratulations no one else has done that yeah you're gonna have a great life from here on out i just feel it so what about marissa zanuck and her walking like uh peppermint patty she's she does walk like a football player marissa zanuck and she's bitching about her hot rich husband i know i can't tell if marissa is young or old She keeps going back and forth in terms of how she looks. In different lightings, she looks like she's

42. In other lightings, she looks like she's 28 or so. Her brother is... I definitely sense a little bit of an Angelina Jolie thing going on with her and her brother. Yeah, I was gonna say, they have a little Judice going on there. Something weird is going on right there. Do you like how I respected Teresa

right there? Judice. That was really nice of you. Yeah, there's a little creepiness there. Or maybe she's trying to fix him up with Brandy or something? I don't know what's happening, but I know he doesn't have enough money. I don't know why she's talking about how they don't

have any money when she's married to a Zanuck. I mean, you know who you're married to, right? Yeah, but I guess he doesn't get money from his parents and he chose to go off and have a passion instead of just any money when she's married to a zanuck i mean you know who you're married to right yeah but i guess he doesn't get money from his parents and he chose to go off and have a passion instead of just make a lot of money which you know in in other worlds would be very respectable here it's like you loser no what the fuck do you think you're doing who spends their life on things they love get to work yeah i mean even even par Paris Hilton had to come crawling over to this show, seeing that her other stupid shows aren't working.

Finally caught on Bravo, Paris Hilton on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I knew it wouldn't be long before she showed up. She's so above everybody there, too. It's like, bitch, these women have better ratings than you've ever had in your life, okay? Kiss your ass. But I also like how Kyle totally kissed her ass too she's like oh my god like paris i was totally like reading about you on tmz shut up kyle yeah but kyle's just kissing her own ass that's she always says shit like that like oh i have to find out

about my own family members on tmz because we're so famous it's like you're famous for being an asshole kyle okay congratulations kyle really is asshole. She's just getting worse and worse. Kyle is the worst by far. And Jennifer, she's Paris is closing for Jennifer Lopez. Who has a closing act? Is that like a new thing? I don't think I've ever heard of that.

I feel bad for whoever bought tickets to that concert. J-Lo and Paris Hilton. They deserve what they get. Not one of them can hit a key. And meanwhile, Kyle is opening up a new boutique. I like this. She's like, well, I was in Boca Raton and I went to a store that I love, so I'm opening one up here.

Like, yes, that sounds like a great idea. Franchise something from Boca Raton. Fashion capital of the world. Yeah, the epitome of class. Store from Boca. Oh, I love how Faye resnick starts talking about she's like well you know faye resnick designs has been around for about 18 years and i have a lot of a-listers like nick lachey and avril lavigne and the guy from entourage a lot of a-listers zoila from fucking flipping out i have you know that she's like i've got angeline not joely just angeline

celebrity chichi larue oh and i love that paris hilton has to come back begging for tv time because the only people who like that bitch for camp value were gay people and then she got caught saying that all gay people are dying of AIDS. So, fuck off, Paris Hilton. Well, Kim Kardashian totally stole her nimwit socialite thunder, so now she's got to head to Bravo to rebuild her base with her aunt. Speaking of, I saw a poster of the new Kardashian season with the entire family, like a big family photo,

and I almost barfed that there are that many of them in this world. It made me sick to my stomach. That's just not right. How could there be so much hair in one family? I'm just... I want to send a letter to North Korea and just beg them to drop something on us. It's just time to go.

It's time to give up America. I think that's a great idea. I think... If only to rid the world of the Kardashians, I am totally for annihilation of our entire country yeah let's do it yeah the end of the world never felt so good so what's next i'm sick of it i'm sick of beverly hills well we can talk about the beverly hills spin-off bander pump rule oh horrible you know who else I hate? Young people. All right, listen, 20-year-olds, cut the crap.

All right? We didn't get to act like that when we were 20. We would have been hit over the head with a baseball bat. Who the hell acts like that? Stassi needs to go. She needs to be murdered. Well, she does. And you know what? I just kept on thinking about your comment from last week,

which was that there's a difference between being skinny and being hot. And looking at Kristen standing there, like some sad reject from the Gumby and Pokey series, I could not help but think of your words, because it's so true. And then they were talking about Stassi saying, well, they're models now, all of a sudden. And Stassi's saying, yeah, I got to LA.

And then someone's like, you should model. So that's what I'm doing. I'm modeling. Cut to her and Kristen on a modeling shoot for something called silk sylk which for people who are who are in the fashion industry know that silk is nothing it's a boutique in downtown blocks away from skid row that's what their big modeling shoot was oh i was hoping it was like a doily factory it's like look at this girl put her iced tea down on the coaster wow so well the best is

on this modeling shoot there's this girl named cassandra or whatever who had slept with kirsten or kristin or whatever her stupid name is katie uh slept with her boyfriend tom years ago and so so kirsten's getting all you know bitchy and she's like well this girl is a so-called air quote model and i was like you know what you have is a so-called, air quote, model. And I was like, you know what? You have no right to be putting air quotes around model because, A, you don't know what air quotes are. And, B, you realize you're modeling for a podunk shop near Skid Row. You realize this, right?

You know, this girl who used to work at Hooters, that was actually a step up. She came down to you. She didn't come up to you. Totally agreed. That whole thing is ridiculous. And by the way, is it Kristen? That's her name, right? I can't remember.

It's like Kristen and Kirsten. Horseface. I just call her Horseface. She's got a horse face. So listen, Horseface, you should be glad that someone you met that boned your boyfriend isn't a man. He shaves his face, he wears makeup, and he steals all your hairspray. Okay? You're lucky that guy wasn't sucking dick ten years ago.

Just be glad that he was into vaginas back then, okay? Who said he wasn't? We didn't see what was under Cassandra's skirt. That's true. She did have a she-she-she vibe about her, for sure. She did have a little bit of a Tyre Town ladyboy vibe about her. But this episode was actually good because we actually saw some legit tears from Stassi because her whole world was crushed

when she found out that Jackson got somebody pregnant in Vegas two months ago. Okay, so she's dating this bartender at work that we've never seen, Frank, right? Yeah, Frank is like a new... So, she's

boning this guy. She's denying that she was cheating with him. Do you think she was cheating with him before she dumped Jax. Yeah. So she's boning this guy. She's denying that she was cheating with him. Do you think she was cheating with him before she dumped Jax? I think so. Of course she was. I think so, too. Because it's been four days. It's been all of four days since they broke up. Yeah, and she looked really guilty when she was asked about it.

Yeah, and she, of course, started dating him to get Jax all mad, which is what he does. He gets mad. He runs over to her in Supper Club. He's like, I'll change everything for you, babe. babe i'll do it all i'll be a grown man i love how how she's complaining to him like like you know you're just a model and like a bartender get a real job hey stassi what the fuck do you think you are you're a quote-unquote model and a waitress how is that a real job well she's because she's 10 years younger so she's like well i'm young and i'm from a very classy school in New Orleans. Which, by the way, bitch, New Orleans is not classy.

New Orleans may be great. Everybody knows New Orleans great. It's a great town. I'm not taking anything away from it. But it's not known as the classiest place in the world. Okay, so get off your high horse. She did not go to Lawrenceville. She did not go to Andover or Exeter.

She went to, like, Mama Crawfish's school for ladies, you know? Yeah. They didn't let men in because the men there raped the people in school, okay? Yeah. Stop bragging about that. She literally went to school in the middle of a bog, let's be honest. It was in a FEMA shelter.

She's like, listen, Stassi, just because you're in a trailer with three other girls doesn't mean you went to a women's school. She's such an idiot. And she's the one who made this stupid, like, horse face get all mad. Because horse face is, like, funny. This girl, like, Tom used to live with this girl. And Stassi's like, oh, they probably had sex.

And Kirsten's like, uh, uh, uh. And then, like, Stassi's like, I would be mad if I were you. And kirsten's like and then like saucy's like i would be mad if i were you and kirsten's like i am mad now and then saucy's like hey did you have did you fuck tom and the girl's like well it was like a long time ago and kirsten's like this is really upsetting me that's like my bed it's like my bed and then she goes up to Tom in the bar. And these people are all idiots for drinking and socializing and putting their dick into every drink. She's like, I found out that you had sex with a girl before me.

It's like, babe, babe, of course I did. She's such a fucking idiot. What was she supposed to expect? I'm so mad at you. What was she supposed to expect? I'm so mad at you. And then I love, though, later when this accusation comes out that Jax impregnated a girl, which I totally believe. Totally.

I totally believe that, too. I'm team Frank. So I totally believe they did this. So I love how, like, it's, like, the next day and the music's dramatic and there's like a prayer circle of vapid idiots I love that she calls everybody from work even the busboy was there laying on the couch they're like the busser is here I'm like hello does anybody need some more water some more bread like what the fuck are you doing here

I'm surprised their valet staff wasn't there too like a 40 year old guy like sitting there crying like rubbing her shoulder oh it's not fair miss it's not fair, missus. It's not fair. I felt like this when I was accused of scratching that car.

I didn't scratch it. It wasn't true. You know, one time Jax, he took the change from the ashtray and he said, I took it. He's no good, missus. No good. Listen, if you get back together with Yax, have a little diagram of his body and circle the parts that are messed up. So if he cheats, you can look at the diagram

and know if you did it or somebody else did it. This way there's no lawsuit. Listen, Yax is not responsible for baby because the woman, she forgot her ticket. He's not responsible. If she had no ticket, there's no way for him to know which baby it is.

Anyway, if she had an abortion, it doesn't count, right? It's not like there's a baby out there that she's gonna have to pull her tits with. Yeah, I agree. So I totally believe that he knocked this bitch up in Vegas. And I believe that she called. And I believe that he is dumb enough to have his Bluetooth answer on his speakerphone in his car while someone else is driving.

And be like, hey, baby. And she's like, okay, don't worry about it. I got an abortion. He's like, okay, thanks for calling. Have a good one. don't worry about it. I got an abortion. He's like, okay, thanks for calling. Have a good one.

Meanwhile, another testament to his idiocy is that he's like a model bartender who hardly has like $5 to have a proper sweater that doesn't have gaping holes in its sleeves. And yet he has like bottle upon bottle upon bottle of Cristal lying around. But you know he stole from work.

That's another thing. Anybody actually believe that he went out and bought Cristal? No, he stole he stole from work oh yeah that's another thing like anybody actually believed that he went and bought crystal no he stole that shit from work and I hope that Lisa's little French manager chick is doing inventory during this episode I love that better that like she seems so stymied by the simplest thing she's like oh no do to know someone who put out smoke on Oh, no. Someone wrote out. Someone crossed out her name. I cannot do this anymore. Oh, they are changing their shifts. Everything is so different now. Les poissons.

Les poissons. I love les poissons. Les poissons. I love Stassi being like, I'm sorry. I just can't be passing around crispy chickens today. I just can't. I'm telling you, just can't be passing around crispy chickens today. I just can't. I'm telling you, when bad things happen, I do not want to be passing around

crispy chickens either. Here's a question for you and the audience. Do you want Skianna from Azusa? Do you guys want her on the podcast? Because she has said that she will come on. Oh, abso-freaking-lutely.

I actually like her the most. I feel like I would be totally fake because I would have to kind of be mean to her, right? You did see that Brandy talk to her, right? Oh, that's true. She knows how to handle this shit. Oh, I totally have Sheen on.

To be fair, I mean, she is the best of all these bitches on here. Even if she is a little vapid and she doesn't have much of a singing career and has a tacky tattoo from Azusa. But I think that she's the nicest. And I would love to talk smack about the other girls with Sheena. Okay, well, let's get her on then. Wait, how are we going to get her on?

Did she reach out to you? She knows a friend who asked her for us. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah, we should definitely have her on? Did she reach out to you? She knows a friend who asked her for us. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah, we should definitely have her on. Okay, cool. So we'll get her. Is there anything else from this show that you want to talk about? Yes. I just want to say this is dragging Lisa down,

Vanderpump down, immensely. And I love how she's like, when, at one point, Horseface is like crying, and she's like, I don't have time for this. If this was a customer, I'd have time. But I don't have time for this. cut to the next day later lisa sidles up to tom be like so i saw you and your little lady were having a fight well i think lisa's actually looking really good on this show because i love the way that she problem solves she's like oh stas is calling into work then replace her for a week with sheena she'll never miss work again that is like

the best management i've seen in a long ass timeena she'll never miss work again that is like the best management i've seen in a long ass time lisa nice work because you know that's gonna work of course it's also gonna get sheena's throat slit and then yeah well you know it's one doesn't get through a new orleans boarding school without learning how to slit a few throats literally yeah that girl is absolutely horrid she's a horrible fucking human being man i just hope that this show piles it on her yeah and she's fat ready i've said it since the first episode she's fat ready and we know she's fat ready because we saw what she looked like as a 14 year old girl on amazing race family edition i love that term fat ready that's really funny

she is she is holding that shit in she is she should be happy she did not get impregnated because once she gets that baby fat it is not going away yep enjoy your life and van nise with your fucking thighs girl we'll see you there yeah we will never be served sir again oh they're not gonna recognize us yeah someone left me a comment today that said if you ever go to la, hide your face. I'm like, you know how close I've been to these bitches. Nobody knows who the hell I am. They're not going to sit there and listen to a whole podcast.

They're not all Jill Zarin. Oh, hi, Jill Zarin. Are you listening right now? Good. Shut up. Shut up. Shut your face, Jill Zarin. I can still hear you.

Jill Zarin. Echoing through my brain. We should get Leah Black on here again, by the way, just for fun. We should make Leah Black watch every show that we watch every week and then come on and talk shit about all the people. Yeah. Heck, we'll just watch any show with her. If she wants to watch, like, the News Hour on PBS, sure.

Hell yeah. The View. We'll do it. How fun is that? Current events. Hair it down. Hair it down. They're down. So why don't we move on to a palate cleanser, literally, before we move on to our other hideous people.

Let's talk about Top Chef. Oh, my God. Top Chef has been so good this year. So, so good. I love it. I love it. Oh, wait. One quick thing.

It's a Top Chef adjacent. Today? Tuesday? So The Taste is premiering tonight. Ooh, I need to get my timer set. Excuse me. Yeah, I got to do that too. And one of the judges on it is Brian Malarkey from I think season three or season four of Top Chef.

And from the promos, I'm going to say this. He has had some crazy plastic surgery. Have you noticed that? No. You know what all i can see in those promos is my sweet lovely baby nigella who i love so much but i did have to stop taping her show because all she makes is sausage i'm like bitch really you're gonna make us and then she chews it like it's the sexiest thing it's like we get it you're a slut and you

think it's a penis like you're so subtle, Nigella. But really, I don't make sausage. Make something else. Her favorite dish is, I'm going to make puttanesca. Oh, we get it. Because it's a whore dish. Come on, Nigella! Okay, can I be really tangential right now? One time I was

at a restaurant with my family and my dad ordered the puttanesca. And then afterwards, when we were leaving the restaurant, the host who was not our waiter, but the host was like, so how's your meal? And my dad ordered the puttanesca and then afterwards when we're leaving the restaurant the host who was not our waiter but the host was like so how's your meal and my dad thinking he's being hilarious goes it was fit for a whore and we're all like what the host like i'm sorry what i mean that's like you know puttanesca i had the puttanesca i'm like dad he wasn't even our waiter he doesn't know what our order was. And why don't you just make the hideous pun right now? This is my world. I like it.

I like that a lot. I like your dad. I like him already. Yeah. But anyway, so speaking of restaurants, Restaurant Wars, big controversy because Kristen, who everyone was begging to make it into the finals, went home. Well, that was just not okay. That was not okay what happened.

I mean, yes, she was the boss, but she did a really good job as the boss, except that she got stuck with fucking Josie, who didn't listen to a thing she said. And really, the only reason that she got kicked off was because at the very end, she didn't stand up for herself. Josie was blaming her for everything, and she just stood there to look more professional. Shocking. And you know what? There's this whole bullshit that comes with being a chef that's like, oh, well, the buck ends with me.

And there's all this pride. It's like being an athlete or something like that. And those are good things to have. It's important to have accountability and responsibility. But when you've got $100,000 on the line and a nice bragging rights, shit, throw Josie under the bus. Well, and not only that, but in real life, you could fire Josie. If that was real life, she could have said, Josie is out of here. I'm not working with her.

She's a fucking idiot. Give me the dishwasher and I'll work with him. But it's not real life. She has to do it on the show. I'm not working with her. She's a fucking idiot. Give me the dishwasher and I'll work with him. But it's not real life. She has to do it on the show. So I think it's different. I don't think that she has to have that sense of pride, of ownership. The reason that she left the sauce, she got in trouble, if you haven't watched it, everybody. She got in trouble because

there wasn't enough sauce on the plate. It came down to that. And Josie was saying, well, she told me how much to sauce the plate, which came down to that and josie was saying well she's you know she told me how much to sauce the plate which was true but the plate didn't have gelatin which it needed gelatin she left the gelatin off because josie wasn't finished in time and they didn't have the time for the gelatin to set within the dish so it was really really gross that she just stood right one one one gets the sense that if josie were doing things properly the timing would have worked out and things would have been sauced properly and there would have been enough sauce.

There would have been the gelatin. And stupid Kristen, she should have defended herself because who's going to – like no one would have blamed her in this situation. No one would have been like, oh, well, that's weak that she's blaming her underling. It's some of the bullshit that comes with Top Chef, I have to say. Top Chef contestants take themselves very, very seriously, and they just need to take a chill pill and just remember, this is a game,

and throw someone like Josie under the bus because Josie's been sucky all season long. And she auditioned for American Idol. By the way, we didn't talk about that, but on American Idol last week on the um season premiere they were like look at all you know we've had millions of people audition and they showed like a montage of clips and one of them was of josie oh my god yep well it kind of explains

why she can't cook she's just a girl who wants to be on tv i mean you know she is a health food chef so is that her thing oh I thought her thing was like I or, oh God. No, she said when they had to make something healthy for Healthy Choice, she was like, oh, well, you know, I'm a healthy chef. That's what I do. I'm like, I make healthy food for people because I really believe in eating

healthy. It's like, bitch, you have doubled in size since you were on there. Yeah, I was like, you know ding-dongs aren't healthy choices, right? Exactly. You know you single-handedly kept hostess and business. I know. Until you took a break to go on Top Chef. Yeah. You're like, oh well, our customer.

Oh well, no one's buying our chocolate. For some reason, suddenly it dropped off. I don't know what happened. I guess we'll have to close. Call the unions. Oh well. So, you know, we had a standing order for chocodiles with you, but I guess we'll have to close. Call the unions. Oh, well. So, you know, we had a standing order for Chocodiles with you, but I guess you don't want them anymore. Well, time to close up shop. Chocodiles.

Oh, yeah. My friend loves Chocodiles, and you know what? They're pretty awesome. Have you ever had a Choco Taco? I have. Oh, my Jesus. Holy Jesus. know what i they're pretty awesome have you ever had a choco taco i had uh oh my jesus holy jesus i believed in jesus when i first had one of those i was like oh my god everything i learned as a baby is true and jesus died to give us choco tacos thank you jesus you know what's kind of funny josie kind of is like the weird hybrid of a chocodile and a chocotaco.

She has a taco. Her face looks like a chocodile. She's like a... I think she looks like that. Have you ever seen that really famous picture of the obese Japanese kid chain-smoking? Or that video? It's like this video of this four-year-old who's like 300 pounds chain smoking that's who she reminds me of and i normally kind of feel bad for her because everybody always beats her up and yeah she just she just seems like one of those people that just can't win you know i

mean well she's never gonna win this show but i mean in life in general like anything like she can't that bitch can't win a monopoly you know she can't win at a slot machine she can't win at Monopoly, you know? She can't win at a slot machine. She can't win at, like, Blackjack. Anything that's, like, chance, she'll just never win. Yeah. But I don't feel bad for her now. Yeah, I agree. I always felt like, you know, Josie, she's just sort of, like, goofy, literally. And, you know, she has that, like, sort of, like, a sweet smile.

And she's just trying really hard. She probably got made fun of a lot as a kid. But then when this bullshit happened with Restaurant Wars, uh-uh. No. You know, after her season, after her original season, she was gay bashed. She was in a group of girls and she got beat up on the street. And she said that she was gay bashed. And I remember thinking then, bitch, you were Josie bashed.

I don't even think that had anything to do with dikedom. I think that had to do with you being an idiot on Top Chef. You know, it's like when Marcel got a bottle broken over his head in a bar. Yeah, exactly. You know what Josie sort of reminds me of? And I'm not saying this because she's overweight, but she reminds me of those cartoon Disney hippos that wear tutus. Who could totally be thin.

They could totally be thin. They're thin for hippos. So I'm not accepting their ways. Let me tell you the best part of this. I actually went and watched Top Chef Kitchen or Last Chance Kitchen for the first time ever. You did? Do you ever watch it? Have you ever seen it before?

I do watch it. I actually like Last Chance Kitchen. And I don't watch it every week. But usually if I'm fired up after an episode, I immediately go watch it and like gang. Well, it was amazing. Well, first of all, it's totally rigged because the only judge is Tom. So Tom can just do whatever he wants. I mean, not that the show's not rigged anyway.

But CJ is such an arrogant asshole. I hate CJ. He's so arrogant. It's like, why are you so arrogant? Like, where's your success list? I want to see it because you were lame in your season, and you were really lame in it. I mean, what did he get sent home for, a hamburger?

I mean, come on now. Yeah. Oh, my God, that's what got me mad about that, that he dragged down that other guy. The other guy wasn't great, but the fact that he dragged down that other guy with that stupid pickle burger, oh, my God. Oh, he's such a snob, and his Connecticut voice,

everything about him, he's just such a snob. It was so nice to see his ass handed to him on a platter by kristin who made the exact same dish that she had just made yeah and on top of that you could tell that her dish probably wasn't that good but tom was like yeah you got screwed so we're gonna keep you yeah yeah i think so too because well you never know on this show because we can't taste it but i, Tom was like, with CJ, he's like, this is good. Some of the seasoning was a little off. With Kristen, he's like, you know, I don't know.

There's a lot of saffron, and it might have been a heavy hand. And da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You win! Yeah, it was pretty obvious, but I'm so glad. I really hope that she comes back and just wins the whole thing now. I think she actually does stand a chance. Yeah, I do too, because if she gets to the end, she's going to have to fight a lot of people to get to the end,

right? There's still a lot of people, aren't there? But, like, who would be her competition? Surely not the stupid guy who can't cook pork. There'll be... Oh, you know, the Hawaiian guy who won this past week? He's good, but he's been coming on strong lately.

But I think he's not – I don't think he has what it takes. I think he's actually got a really good chance of winning. I'm kind of voting for him for the win. Although, I don't know that anybody really wants to eat Filipino food. Sorry, dude. No one wants that. I would have eaten that Filipino food. It looked amazing.

Yeah, but you're that – you're a foodie, you know. I mean, he's going to have to come up with something that appeals to a wider audience. Well, he doesn't have to. I mean, he could just have a small Filipino place. I don't know. I'm so confused. All I know is I'm still on my New Year's diet. I'm fucking starving, and I'm still watching this show.

And every time I watch it, I just get so emotional because I'm so hungry. I know. I had a salad today for lunch. I had a salad yesterday for lunch. And you know what happened? I have fingernails. Last night, I had a salad yesterday for lunch and I ate healthy for dinner. And then at 10 p.m., I got a craving for chocolate ice cream that was so intense,

I had to actually go out, drive to my local ice cream parlor, conveniently around the corner, get a scoop, and come back. Oh, because you live by Mufti Malone's. Yeah. Oh, you bastard. Actually, I'm so glad that I don't live right there. That would be so dangerous for me. I'd actually never do that, but it was so worth it. Anyway, shall we move on to –

Ice cream, yes. Let's talk more about ice cream what kind of flavors did they have? oh, you don't want to go down this because I sampled a lot if you want me to do this you're a sampler too, I remember that too when I went to frozen yogurt with you, you were a big sampler

you're like, I'll take 18 little cups, thank you I forgot about that, that's when we went to yogurt land yeah, aw memories you i forgot about that that's when we went to yogurt land yeah oh memories i'm holding hands with you right now over skype so speaking of things that are chocolate i'm saying this not because we're talking about the women of real life girl but because they went to a place called taco now kenya is a choco taco i think she's just in oversized i'm trying to think of what's in the hostess line an oversized cupcake that's that's almost too kind because i actually like cupcakes well there were some boring ass moments of course because it's real housewives of atlanta but man there were some

great moments in this episode oh my god there were i can't remember them but i know that there were some great moments in this episode. Oh my god, there were. I can't remember them, but I know that there were. My fave was Phaedra getting a call from Candy from the beauty shop after she heard all the tea. Oh, yes, yes. This is my favorite moment of the entire episode. And her just going off. That was the funniest thing. Oh, she got a

six-flag American scream machine. Girl, yeah, yeah. Her eyes ain't like a Stanley, she like a six flag American scream machine. Girl, yeah, yeah. Her eyes ain't like a Stanley, she like a six flag scream machine booty. That was, I thought that was one of the most amazing things that's ever emerged from this franchise. That was like, I mean, it doesn't even make sense. A six flag

scream machine booty, but it does make perfect sense at the same time. That was absolutely brilliant and I'm glad that Phaedra was the first person of all these idiots to finally confront Kenya and say you know a stallion is for a man

if you're doing a video called the stallion workout it sounds like it's for men who want to be big and buff not for women who want some badunga dunk in their charunk yeah that was that whole thing was pretty amazing. I also... No, go ahead.

I was going to say my other favorite part of the episode was right in the beginning, they're at one of these hair shows, and Cynthia's like, you know, a hair show, it's like New York Fashion Week, except for hair. I'm like, no, I don't think it's like New York Fashion Week because I don't see anything that appears anywhere in the realm of classiness or

style or fashion. No, this is like Fantastic Sam's convention. This is not New York Fashion Week. And I love how the winner, the big winner, gets $1,000. You get more for losing on Wheel of Fortune. It cost more

to print that giant check at Kinko's than the prize money. I know. But that can buy you a lot of real estate in Atlanta. Like, $1,000? I'm taking over Kim and Kroy's old mansion. I kind of like that they included the gays, you know,

but really, Lawrence, he is sick, and it's uncomfortable yeah and he he he is like i feel bad for him yeah it's it's a strange like weird tranny something another and he's got some strange things going on with his neck too i don't know that's what i mean like he's literally sick he's got from wondery this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History?

Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights.

She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. I'll see you next time. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's industry's Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at the list on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation

to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school

where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. The dreaded, he's got some something because those glands on his neck. Yeah, I noticed that too. It makes me sad. I don't want him to have that. Although, it is the best diet ever. Well, I mean, what are you thinking that

it might be? I'm thinking it's probably the big A because that's what you get. You get those swollen glands. That's like the first... Oh, really? That's like the first sign. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I mean, that's horrible to even talk about on a podcast i'm sorry i brought that up but yeah you know what's funny what i think it makes me so sad because i like him oh that's crazy i had no idea i was like wow his glands are like i was like he must have a salivary infection but um you know

it's funny i'm such an idiot when you said the big a i'm like no ronnie it starts with c i'm like why is he choosing the second letter on cancer you're a homosexual now ben all right you've been a homosexual i am i'm not gay no i'm like totally masked i just i you know i just like talking about these shows with my bros and shaving my forehead. No. Banging a ladyboy five years ago in my apartment. I don't have a whole lot to say about Atlanta

because I don't know what it is about Atlanta. I just enjoy it so much that I don't have a lot of trash to talk about it. But I do love that Kenya is getting crazier by the second. Crazier.

Crazier, crazier. I loved Candy. The entire phone call, like you mentioned before, when Candy called up Phaedra. When Candy and Phaedra gossip, I think it's the funniest thing. He said, what? Or what? Well, you got to give me a call. I'm going to call Riley.

Riley. See, when you're making an exercise, I gotta call up Riley and make sure she likes it. Because I don't want Riley to not like the exercise. I love that Candy's like, I don't want to get in the middle, but I'm gonna call Phaedra. I gotta call Phaedra. Because there's a stallion video and a donkey video. And if that doesn't sound right, right, Riley? Where's Riley at?

You're getting really good at that. That's because I can only say one word in her accent. It's Riley. That's why I say it every sentence. I'm like, right, Riley, Riley. See, what I don't understand is why wasn't riley in the fashion show oh and by the way i loved how cynthia's first big event is with like toddlers walking down a runway and she's like they better not mess up they represent the bailey agency right now

yeah and she just got she said she got like 75 of of them off Craigslist. Like, how is that representing them? You dumb bitch. She's just standing there taking donations at the door. Well, actually, I'm sure her classy husband is standing at the door just taking cash. Pocketing half of it. What else happened there? Portia just showed up and was like, Well, see, now that you don't like Kenya, we can be friends.

We can hang out 265 days a year. How come when Kenya was coming to me, she was okay with you? But then she came with you, and now it's not okay. You see, you need to realize that Kenya's crazy, okay? That entire – first of all, I have to give a shout-out to Portia Stylist who seems to have put her in like a weird dress that's made of red construction paper for her interviews. I don't know if you noticed that. It's like it's not even cloth. It's just like some red like structured item that's in front of her chest.

But also when she – I think she and Phaedra had got coffee, and I was just cracking up because everyone in that coffee shop was like, who the fuck are these women? It was all like white hipsters and then like Portia and Phaedra. You could just see them being like, this is disrupting my iPad time. Yeah, I'm totally Facebooking right now.

Please get these women out of here. You need to be nicer to me in the future. Yeah, and I to be nicer to me in the future. Yeah, and I like that Nene just has such unabashed hatred for Phaedra. Like, she just hates her guts. And I've never really understood why she hates her so much. Yeah, it goes back a while now. I know, but nothing really ever happened, did it?

She's just always hated her because Phaedra said that they knew each other when they were young, and Nini denies it, and Nini just calls her a liar about every little thing. She just hates her guts. Does anything actually ever happen between them? I don't know. Phaedra probably ate one of her french fries. And it's like, how you gonna eat my french fry?

Phaedra's like, well, the the way I see it you want 10% of this french fry but I don't deserve any of it I love that Nini has such a grasp on the English language great we need to put it in this crib together cause this shit gotta work

correctly bitch really come on now who's gonna put together this crib who's gonna i'm just gonna hold this oh see you got all these all these instructions i'm just gonna go over here and hurt my back a little bit i don't know i made him sound like that baby is gonna die in a crib collapse. Are you talking about Bree Asia? Bree Asia. Wow. She's the combination of two of my favorite things, Asia and Bree Cheese.

Bree Asia. She's like the stinkiest part of Asia. Alright, let's move on. I'm done with these bitches. Let's move on to Shaz of Sunset. By the way, I'd like to announce that my building and Matt's building were prominently featured in this

week's episode. Yes, they were. I saw the outside of your building this week. Weren't they talking right outside of it? They sat down there, didn't they? No, I can give you a full tour. The conversation started, MJ and Gigi got out of her building and then they started talking outside the entrance of my building and then her building, and then they started talking outside the entrance of my building, and then they were walking, and then they stopped at Hollywood and Fuller.

I just outed my street, and then they crossed the street, and then they sat down, and they had a talk outside of the Vantage Apartments, which is where Ashley from Real Housewives of New Jersey lives. And then they walked up further, and not only did they walk by Matt's building, but we saw his actual balcony. So, pretty exciting. Wow-wee! I feel like a star. I feel like a star. Yeah, because that's like the classiest cast ever

to pass in front of your building. I was furious. How are these bitches walking around with a camera crew in front of me, in front of my building, and I don't even see them? Where where was i you're probably inside watching the shazza sunset i know um so this episode was i really enjoyed this episode for nothing else other than watching asa in an industrial facility blessing a giant vat of water oh jesus that thing at the at the diamond seller was hilarious she's like okay i can feel the diamond so i just need to see your best dime oh this feels amazing this uh i feel that i feel

a pain from my from my chakra and my forehead all the way down to my arm chakra i this is this is the one well it costs 320 000 here's one that's for $60,000. Oh, this is the one. This is the one. Oh, this feels so good. The back of my arm fat is tingling right now. Okay, so we – I feel like I just put my hand in like a big bowl of Persian saffron rice. It feels great. Did you see the video that Brittany posted on our Facebook page? By the way, everybody, go to our Facebook page and post it because it's hilarious and we love going there to read it.

You know, I didn't get a chance to look at it, but I think I may have seen that video before. Is that like a music video where she's like gold, gold, gold, gold? Yes. Yes, her song. She's like gold. And it's just Asa standing in front of a home video camera. Yeah. Terribly dancing with like, you know, those disco lights you can buy at spencer gifts

know them it's what i decorated with yeah i've got it on right now so she was basically in your apartment up against the wall yeah i filmed reza reza comes in with no shirt on and just like stands there all pudgy and shirtless and it's just that whole video needs to just stop it please please stop it there's so many things i mean asa i go back and forth with her i actually feel like she's genuinely a nice and good person probably but she does so many ridiculous asshole things i mean honestly her in that factory the water factory this like towering 60 foot thing of like water and there's one tiny little diamond in it and she she's up there, and she's not just like, she puts down a little carpet, and she's not just praying on the carpet.

She gets up on this vat, this industrial vat, and has her hands on it as if she's had some weird prom date with it, you know, like they're having some dance. It was one of the strangest and most hilarious visuals I've seen. I don't believe that she's a nice person

because I don't trust anybody like that. I mean, living in LA, I've just believe that she's a nice person because I don't trust anybody like that I mean living in LA I've just learned that people like that are full of shit and they will stab you in the back the first second they get nobody who acts that constantly nice is actually nice they're all assholes well I mean she has been an asshole but I don't know

I just like the way that she interacted with the older people I think that was nice but yeah this episode I'm trying to think. The big thing was that Reza took MJ and Mike and Mike, who I think said he wants to pose for Playgirl. Did he say that?

I got a press release from VH1 of all places. I guess Mike was on one of their shows and the press release was like Mike talks about how he wants to pose for playgirl so i don't know if they were just making a joke or taking something he said out of context but well go forth i say he has a big one oh yeah that's true i forgot about that because i'm like you know he sort of has a blocky body it'd be sort of like looking at like a lego man posing nude but anyway so Reza brought Mike and MJ and

Asa to Great Neck New York which is where my grandmother used to live before she died and he brought them to Rosh Hashanah so I mentioned that by the way only to show how connected I am to this episode the scene is filmed in my grandma's town film scene in front of my building

I feel Persian at this point. But it was, I don't know. It was like, oh, it was nice. I don't know what else to say. It was a nice moment. They went home from Rosh Hashanah. My grandma doesn't love me. And I had to forgive my father. Because if i didn't forgive him i would kill myself reza reza with

the muppet crime that's like so persian to forgive your father because like you have to forgive your father if you want to move on like homegirl homegirl had, like, a rumor that was said against her, and then she had to leave and ruin everyone's lives. Like, that's so Persian to have a rumor. White people are like, I'm not gonna say anything, because I don't want to start a rumor, but Persian people are like, oh, here's a rumor, homegirl.

Here's a rumor, homegirl. Everybody's gonna believe it, and you're gonna have to leave your entire family behind. And then, I'm gonna keep calling my father to apologize to me over and over again, so I can keep getting free dinner. I wanted to get free dinner at Turquoise in Great Neck. It was such a good meal. My dad really liked his jumbo shrimp. That waiter, okay, this is what I took away from that scene.

Reza talks like a Muppet. The dad is nice, and he's lucky to have a dad like that, and he needs to stop his fucking victim-y whiny hood. And the waiter was really hot. Waiter was hot. You know, they have some hot guys in Long Island. They're all douchebags, but they're hot. Yeah, he was hot. Well, I think maybe the douchebagginess might be a little lower because he's like a waiter in a Persian restaurant.

How much could you possibly make? Yeah, that's true. So they went to dinner, and the big thing was, like, how is Reza's evil grandmother going to treat him? And surprise, surprise, she was, like, great, even with her, like, hairy mole on her chin. She was like, Reza! Reza, come here. I die for you. I do everything for you, Reza.

Now why don't I have a drink? Now she's the guy from Real Housewives of Miami I know We can't help but go to Miami Miami of gang fuck You're gonna have a drink, mom? Grandma, you speak Hebrew? Why not?

Why not? That grandma was cute And she looks really good for being 91, but somebody needs to shave her face. Somebody needs to shave her mole and give her a bra, because her boobs were sitting on her lap. Yeah, come on, you guys. You're going to wipe her ass?

Shave her, too. Don't just stop there. Do the full thing. We are officially the cattiest podcast. We're like, this old lady, her boobs are sagging. What's wrong with that? That was actually a nice moment. she was drinking vodka tonics it was actually you know i was happy for reza i thought that was actually a genuinely like nice sweet moment um i also uh enjoyed uh when mike brought

his ditzy girlfriend over to shabbat dinner with his mom and she was like yeah like we met and like he came over and like we talked and it was like really good and i'm going to nursing school and the mom's like oh very nice you're going to school oh okay very nice that seems like the most boring family to be a part of nobody had anything to say about anything i know i was sort of surprised the mom's name is sue she's like hi lo, Lo, I'm Sue. Well, yeah, because it's probably short for like Sue Lan Charin.

I know. Oh, and then Lily went on a date. Lily's like, I'm going on a date tonight because I don't know where I stand with my ex, so I'm going to go on a date, and I think it's going to be really fun. I'm going to talk about my ex the entire time. Oh, my God. That was so funny.

Yeah, well, my ex liked to eat that, too. And he liked to use his fork like you do. And he liked tables. He liked to go to restaurants just like you. Do you like to read? So does my ex. Well, you know what would be really fun? Why don't we call my ex, like, right now? Like, I really fun why don't we call my ex like right now

like like I think why don't we call him and tell him how much we love him and miss him come on come on hottie you love him too

I know you do you know what I think is rude when you look at your phone during dinner I try not to do that yeah well maybe I can talk about my ex

for every 10 minutes that was great that girl's a damn fool and when since when is that guy her ex i thought she was still in some kind of long distance relationship with him and he's promising to well we're always we're like always like um on again off again i don't know if he's like my ex or my husband or like my friend but like i love, but I don't know where I stand with him, and so I'm just going to pretend like I'm coconut and run around in circles till he tells me.

I'm going to pretend I'm coconut. That girl, you know, I just always want to hug girls like that because they try so hard. It's like, you don't eat anything. You get, like, boobs that are so giant you're going to have multiple osteoporosis by the time you're 40. Because you get MS from her boobs. Oh, my God. Sorry. Osteoporosis by the time you're 40.

You know, it's like you go to so much trouble to look like a hoe. And then you wonder why everybody treats you like a hoe. It's because you look like a damn hoe. ho it's because you look like a damn ho how about you get some normal sized boobs some normal hair and a job that's not selling fucking bikinis well and how about this if you're gonna put in like a hundred thousand dollars to shaving your jawline down and losing your nose and putting like watermelons in your boobs why are you sticking with the same doofus guy who you know looks like what's this like i don't know some fat like the cheech and chong guy, you know, looks like, what's his, like, I don't know, some fat, like, Cheech and Chong guy. Like, you know, why not, like, if you're going to try and make yourself look hot, why don't you try to go after someone hot like Omid?

Oh, my God. Haven't you ever dated a hot guy? They're horrible. No, no. So you need to stay away from hot people. There's a reason. Okay, there's two reasons. Let's go for a rich guy.

A rich guy in L.A. How about that? Yes, a rich guy, yes. But they're not generally hot. She should go for a rich guy in LA. How about that? Yes, a rich guy, yes. But they're not generally hot. She should go for Mohammed. Let's see how Yolanda's like that. Exactly. Except Mohammed doesn't get married anymore.

He just bangs 20-year-olds and then dumps them. He's learned his lesson. He's taking care of 12 kids now. He's learned. Well, what you have to do is learn English before you sleep with Mohammed. Yeah. If you can't learn English, then you can't tell Mohammed when you don't want it up the cabooses tonight. Oh, my God.

I can't wait to go eat, like, squid ink spaghetti with Mohammed. It's going to be a great day. I am so excited for it. Mohammed told me where the secret room in his house was and then he closed the wall and I couldn't find my way out.

And then he put like coconut in a different room and coconut ran in circles until she threw up. And Mohamed used the puke in his hair to make it soft. The only way I found my way out was because I heard Coconut

bumping up against the wall because she was running in circles. Thank you, Coconut. Thanks, Coconut. And then Coconut and I were trapped, but we found a trail of roses that Yolanda had left, so we followed the petals, and we wound up with David Foster.

And then he sold us to one of his A-Rab friends, and here I am in Pakistan with one missing hand. He said he wouldn't have sold me, but I tried to sing when he was playing piano, and I guess that's frowned upon. He kept coconut though. Oh, I love that that's frowned upon. He cut coconut though. I love that arrogant ass, David Foster. I just love him. He's just such

an asshole. One of my favorite things is he probably doesn't have any idea of what an asshole he is until now, because you know everybody is going off on his ass on the internets. Thank you, internet, for being such a negative vortex. I know. It's like

it almost as if it exists in Kim Richards' home. Except without the hearts flying out of the fireplace. You know what I love? I was watching the episode with Lisa Timmons last night, and she was laughing about how the psychic told Kim Richards, like, she's like, a portal?

What's that? And the psychic's like, oh, you know, a vortex. As if Kim Richards doesn't know what a portal is, she sure as hell is not going to know what a vortex is. Yeah, poor Kim. Kim just kind of nods and kind of slurs her way through everything. I still am on record as

saying that I don't believe that bitch is sober for one second. I mean, maybe she's not drinking, but I do not believe that she's sober for one second. I mean, maybe she's not drinking, but I do not believe that she's sober for one second. How about you? I think I found where Ken is. Sorry, I tried to do Kim and I still had like Lily in my nose. It came out all

strange. I think I found Ken. I think he fell in the vortex in my fireplace. Hey, Ken, is that you? I hear deep breathing in the fire. Ken, stop breathing. You're gonna put out the fire, Ken. I'm in the fireplace.

I found some meth in the chimney flute. That's not meth. I don't even know what meth is. That's some special tonic. Bring it over here. I don't have a fireplace. I don't even have mushrooms like the Smurfs. You were crazy.

I worked with them. Yeah, they're a bunch of divas. You know, they have their own union because they're blue. That's not fair. You know, I always knew Papa Smurf was handsome, even as a little girl. Papa Smurf was a cast member on Escape to Witch Mushroom. Oh, Kim.

You know who needs to write a book is Kim. She needs to write a tell-all book, and then she needs to do an audiobook. And I will listen to that shit day in and day out. At 80 years from now, it will be praised for being a pioneering work in the neo-surrealist movement because every page will make no sense and will say things like la-da-da-da-da, chicken salad. Chicken salad. There's going to be chicken salad stains on every page from her fingers. I would love to see the Kim Richards Guide to Chicken Salad. Like a 20-page quick like, quick-to-do

cookbook. Here's what you do. You get some celery, and you get some potato. I like potatoes. I think potatoes, they could be fun shapes,

and I like to look at them. Except those finger ones. Those are so gross. Who would make a potato out of a finger? Whoever invented those needs to just stop cooking, because those things are ridiculous. I'm not eating a finger. What do I look like, a Neanderthal?

When I was a single mom, I had to serve finger potatoes to my kids, and they wouldn't eat them. So I was like, here comes I had to serve finger potatoes to my kids. And they wouldn't eat them. So I was like, here comes the plane to the hangar. I was like, it's the Van Nuys hangar. They got real nice planes, the Van Nuys hangar. You know how long I thought fingerling potatoes were real fingers? You know how many housekeepers I hurt trying to give my kids healthy potatoes? I just feel terrible now. I was like,

there's a woman with potato fingers. There's dinner on that woman's hand. Where's my cleaver? I like my cleaver. I get nervous. Are we gonna get to see Adrienne boning this 32-year-old drug addict? Yes or no? Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, do me like I'm Rod Stewart. Oh, God. So disgusting. I'm Adrian Maloof. Oh, God. Oh, and did you read that Adrian Maloof just sold the, or the Maloofs just sold their team, whatever, their basketball team for like $500 million?

Isn't it $500 million? That sounds low, but maybe they weren't a good team. Wow. So I'm glad that Adrian Maloof is doing well. Everybody got a hot guy. Glad she's ruining everything for everyone. Everyone in Sacramento is a pet.

Yeah. Congratulations, Adrian. I'm really happy for you. And she's serving fruit first. What a fucking idiot. You're supposed to eat fruit first. Okay, everybody?

I just love how Kyle had that whole setup there, and Andrew went for the fruit first, and Kyle was so mad. Because you know Faye Resnick was like, remember to tell everyone, fruit last. Fruit last. No, fruit goes first in food combining, and then you have to wait half an hour later so that the fruit doesn't ferment with the other food that you eat. Okay, that's why Kyle has to wear clothes from Boca that are flowy and don't show off

her body. Because she eats fruit less. Yes. Learn the rules, Kyle. Your watermelon after dinner is killing you. So I think that we're pretty much done here. Yeah, I think so. I think we've now gone on to a million different tangents. Yeah, I think we've I think we've now gone on to a million different tangents. Yeah, I think we've

sufficiently confused our audience enough. We are going to be firing up our ectoplasm and trying to retrieve Matt from his ghost portal in Kim Richards' house. Yes, if you have some McDonald's that you want to throw into a blender and send in the Ziploc to Kaiser Permanente Kaiser Sose

Kaiser Sose Permanente in East Hollywood. Please do. And if you have some non-blended up McDonald's, you just want to send to me. You can send that to Ben. If you have some fingernails you would like eaten, you can send those to me until I'm thin. If you have any sliders,

you can send them to me and I'll give them to MJ. Thank you guys for listening. You can find us on Twitter at What Crappens. I am at TVgasm ben is at b-side blog um you can find us on facebook at facebook.com slash watch what crappens please come on there and leave us some comments or leave us some comments and rate us on itunes also i recap real house real housewives of beverly hills for tvgasm.com. And I do parody redubs of all the episodes which I post on our Facebook page

and at TVgasm. So come on by. And Ben, what are you doing? Are you doing any photo recaps this season? I haven't checked yet. I hope to. I've just been saddled with this script I'm working on and it's really taking up all of my blogging time.

Whatever, real job. Well, one day Ben will shoot out a photoat for us at bsideblog.com. I will. I really want to, guys. I really, really miss it. And until then, just let us know if you want Shee-Yang on the podcast soon or not. Yes. I want her on now.

Yeah. Let us know if we're not covering any shows that you guys want us to talk about. Love ya. Thanks for being here. Please enjoy Ace's Gold on the way out. Bye. Bye. What you know about gold? What you know about gold? When you watch me shake it, I don't fake it. My gold jingles all the way.

It ain't faded, it ain't faded. I've been shining all day. You can't take it, you can't make it. You're a single chain unlayed away. So watch me roll, do what you told. Cause I'm too hot to handle, try watching it on the internet. The folks behind the Sideshow Network have launched a new YouTube channel called Wait For It. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger.

Schleichinger, I've been friends with her for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza. Our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to youtube.com slash waitforitcomedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore. Because it's here.

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