Watch What Crappens - #64: Better Than A Bottle of Vodka

Episode Date: March 13, 2013

Better Than A Bottle of Vodka See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. hey everyone welcome back to watch what crap ends a podcast that's about all the crap on bravo that we love i'm ben mandelker from bsideblog.com and you can find me on Twitter and Instagram at bsideblog. And joining me, as always,

is Ronnie Karam! Well, hello! Hi, Ronnie. You sound like a haunted soul. I am a haunted soul, damn it. His soul has been stolen By Bravo Ronnie is at TVgasm

On Twitter And he's also from TVgasm.com So that works out pretty well Come on by everybody He does very funny recaps, much more consistently than I do We don't have Matt here today That little bastard went off to the desert And is currently watching tennis.

He keeps posting photos courtside on his Instagram. So feel free to stalk him there at Life on the M-List. That's also his Twitter. But he's a very lucky man on a well-deserved vacation watching a lot of balls. So good for him. And by that, I mean he's watching serena williams so anyway man it's not outside i was actually just watching the tennis channel just now to see if i could see matt but i couldn't so i tried matt i tried to stalk you as best i could

but you were away matthew you were gone i don't watch tennis i feel that's just so lesbian well matt did just post a photo of billy jean king on his instagram so uh if you feel like seeing a lesbian go to his instagram just subscribe to vagina already matthew meanwhile all of our listeners have left because we've been speaking so much about tennis or mainly i've been speaking about tennis we can can blame this on Matt, too. Yeah, let's talk about Bravo Bowl. Yeah, let's talk about Bravo. So today we're going to talk about all our favorite shows, including Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Real Housewives of Atlanta,

Vanderpump Rules, The Reunion Secrets, which I misread as The Reunion Secrets, which kind of works too. That actually makes a lot more sense. And it did actually. It secreted all over my living room. Yeah, it was an hour of pussy scabs. It was like if

one of the witches from Oz came and saw a pussy scab and decided to turn it into a human it would be stassi and and that pussy scab just reunited with other pussy scabs elisa's best line was stassi could start a fight with snow white yeah i love that line she was right oh god we make that show sound so much better than it is we really do. It's terrible. I can just imagine Stassi in a fight with Snow White also. So let's talk about

one of Bravo's new shows. Yeah, well, this isn't really gossip, but we saw on Real Housewives of Atlanta this week, the new show, the new Atlanta spinoff of, now I'm sorry, but I get all the gays confused. Derek J. It's not Lawrence. Okay, it I get all the gays confused. Derek J.

It's not Lawrence. Okay, it's Derek J., the midget. The midget in heels. The midget in heels. He looks like a bowling ball in heels. Yes, God bless his heart. Yes. So Andy's obsession with odd Atlanta gays has risen, apparently. It's gotten more intense.

And he's given this kid a spinoff. So what is it now? I think it's called Fashion it's gotten more intense and he's given this kid a spinoff. So what is it now? I think it's called fashion Queens. I don't know what it's about because the commercial was literally like, Hey, I'm Derek J and I have a new show. And it was like fashion Queens. And that was it.

And I was like, what? Huh? Huh? Oh, you know, I thought it was fast, but I didn't want to rewind it because I just,

I don't know. I like humanity too much. There was absolutely no indication about what sort of a show it was. Except I imagine there's going to be a lot of, ooh, girl. Girl. Girl. That girl, that look like a watermelon rolling around in the potatoes. You got to take care of your business, girl.

You got to get day shoes up in your feet, girl. Girl, get out your purse so you can write a check. Check it. Check it a check. Check it. Check it, girl. Check it, girl. The other person's like, I just asked if you want some fries with that. Girl, I probably asked you. That ain't fly, girl.

Girl, I'll tell you where I put my fries. You ain't got no fly, girl. You ain't got no fly. I want a special sauce, and I i'm gonna dip your hat in that special sauce and put on your head and tell you to walk away because i love the way you walk girl work it oh my god i love that you turned into little asian gay guy from project runway that's in general all my accents eventually become little asian gay guy from project runway oh i know understand the problem i never been to the park oh yes fashion queens

very good work it girl make ancestor prop i work it girl the check is in the mail you get a check from me check yeah so i i couldn't rewind it to find out what it was. But there's nothing like taking fashion advice from a midget, fat, gay guy and pay less pumps. So I'm excited to see what that's like. Listen, I could use the advice. I'm telling you. I'm gotten so bad. My fashion is so bad. I'm telling you.

I need to weave. I need to weave in some high heels. I need to become an Atlanta gay. Then I could be ridiculous. My fashion is so pathetic that I don't even buy things at Ross anymore. Like that's too classy for me. I'm like, what? That button's up?

What? I'm not wearing that. I'm getting my three for $10 t-shirts at the – At Paredes? Do you ever go to – what's it called? Paredes? It's called Paredes, right? What is that?

I'm writing it down. P-A-R-E-D – P-A-R-E-D-E-S. Paredes. It's called Paredes, right? What is that? I'm writing it down. P-A-R-E-D. P-A-R-E-D-E-S. Paredes. It's like Paredes de Fallas or something like that. Where's that? Poor neighborhoods. And by the way, before people think I'm a real snob, yes, I have shopped there.

There's one in La Cienega. Okay, I'm still going there because my favorite place, the fashion bank, has closed. Oh, no. That bank went under. I just can't get over it. I gain and lose weight too quickly to not have somewhere to buy a three for $10 shirt. Yeah, yeah. You need to definitely go to Faias de Faias or Faias de Faias, whatever.

There's one in Los Feliz right next to John's in the same complex. Oh, okay, okay, okay. and los felos right next to john's in the same complex oh okay okay okay um i love see this really i the reason why i like talking about this on the podcast is to underscore the financial disparity between the two of us and every other person that we talk about with the exception of vanderpump rules yeah it almost forgives our horrible personalities because it's like we're poor it's okay we're talking about where to get budget t-shirts. Yeah. Or as Stassi would say, what commoners. What commoners. Speaking of fashion, by the way, did you watch Rachel Zoe, the season premiere?

I can't. I can't do that. All right. Well, then I'll just talk about it very quickly. I know it's not gossip, but it's something that happened in my life, I guess, in that I sat and watched this show. something that happened in my life i guess and then i sat and watched this show um it was uh it was just like every other episode in that an entire hour went by and nothing happened it was just a lot of rachel being like oh my god i'm wearing like three different hats and like oh my god i die i die i have a baby eat your baby have a baby run sky literally seriously

i have a baby right like literally my baby is my. Literally, seriously, have a baby right now. Like, literally, my baby is my world. Like, Sky, I want to put him in heels. Oh, yeah, she dresses her little baby in heels. He's a boy. But she dresses him like a little French girl. Which is kind of hilarious to me that she doesn't understand the distinction between a little boy and a pet dog. You know? Like a toy dog, you know?

Like a Lopsa Opsa. Oh, my God. You're my precious Lopsa Opsa. Oh, my God. You're my precious Lopsa Opsa. Oh, my God. So really, really nothing happened. But what was sort of interesting, there was one moment when it was like it was a little meta and a little strange. She was going to a fashion show and she ran into Andy Cohen on the show. And Andy Cohen was with Brad and she hugged Andy cohen but she did not say anything to brad

so it was sort of weird that andy cohen's making a guest appearance on his on a show that he produces and it was also strange that brad and rachel didn't say hi yeah andy is now as desperate for ratings as all of the people that he um lords over on these shows which is kind of funny absolutely um poor poor little andy have you been watching this watch what happens in south by southwest it's south by south yeah and you're bad enough when you're not in front of people just just stop it stop trying to make it happen andy or maybe it is happening i haven't looked at the ratings and matt's not here to tell us what they are but here's my thing i if i've decided that when it comes to reality shows in texas i'm just going

to keep it to big rich texas that's all i want right now i don't need andy cohen in texas and i don't know if you watch big rich atlanta i wish there was some way to tie that in to this show because big big rich atlanta is sort of rocking my world these days oh i've heard that's amazing okay i'll watch it now yeah it's ridiculous maybe we should i mean should we make an exception for it i mean it's in the style network so it's part of the mbcu family probably not we shouldn't i usually avoid anything on the style network because once you accept anything on the style network you start having it's like once you lower the bar that much you can pretty much you're basically derrick jay at that point you're basically a bowling ball in pumps

once you start watching the style network and thinking you might actually get some sort of semblance of style from it yes the floodgates of of terrible okay well um yeah so Rachel's that's that was basically the big thing and her new her new thing this this season is to say that's so mage a lot. Oh, pa-paya. I know, exactly. Not having that. Watch what happens South by Southwest. Brandi Glanville

showed up. First of all, she needs to stop with whatever she's doing to her face. It's enough already. Enough. She doesn't need it at all. She doesn't need it. She looked like the youngest one, and she now looks like Adrian Stung by a Bee. Absolutely. It looks horrible. She looked like the youngest one, and she now looks like Adrienne Stungbybee. It looks horrible. She's got to stop it. Her boobs look ridiculous.

And she looks like she's just gotten out of Jiffy Lube. She's all lubed up. But anyway, she was on Andy Cohen, and I think it was last week, Chelsea Handler was on that show, and she was going off on The Housewives and how she hates it, and she thinks it's horrible for women. And she doesn't believe that women should be profiting off their fake boobs

and their fake vaginas or what else you know i know that chelsea handler is you know known for being a miserable human being and i don't necessarily even disagree with what she's saying but chelsea handler is only famous and has her own tv show because of her vagina she fucked the head of b that's true that's true that's kidding well she's got to cover up her tracks you know like like i didn't fuck anyone to get to where i am yeah it's like cover your snail trail or i guess maybe in the art you know i guess maybe it's true what she's saying because she doesn't have fake boobs or a fake vagina so it's okay like she doesn't make makeup for her show yeah you know that's like yeah she doesn't do makeup yeah obviously she looks she looks horrible i mean in this she looked

absolutely horrible yeah i'm glad she she got used out of that vagina before it's in the state it is today because that woman did not hold up well well then um what is uh what did brandy say in response so brandy went on and and Andy was asking her more about Leanne, and he's like, oh, so Leanne is saying that there's so many lies in your book, and Brandy, of course, is over it at this point. I mean, she's just written a book about it and gone on a press tour about it, and like,

I think she's probably pretty over it. Of course, she did that to herself, but she doesn't want to talk about Leanne anymore, so she was like, you know what? I'm sick of talking about her. If you want me to trash somebody, I'll trash Chelsea Handler. She was terrible on your show. It was really awkward to watch. Really awkward. She was just horrible and miserable. And then she starts dissing the housewives. And she got all pissed off at her for dissing the housewives. What exactly did she say? Hold on. Let let me see i'm pulling up the article now

um oh she just said suck it chelsea handler and he's like well what you know do you know her and she said yes i know her i've made out with her assistant and her brother-in-law and her agent and her you know kindergarten teacher like of course i love that's the way brandy like defends herself like by admitting her sluttiness. She's like, fuck her. Let me tell you something about her. I've met with every single person that she knows. So she's got the jokes on her, basically. Yeah, it's like six degrees of Brandy's vagina.

I know. Her saliva's been all over this town. Yeah, so that was that. But it was nice to see someone to tell Chelsea Handler to fuck off. And I wrote an article on TV, guys, about it today. And just, you know was taking a random internet clip of the watch what happens i was taking a random internet screenshot of the watch what happens clip and man chelsea handler looks like a raggedy and all that's been

just like beating the mud i mean she does not look cute she uh she looks a little worn down i mean she definitely she definitely looks like she is from texas I mean like old Texas, 1842 Texas, been out in the sun, work in the fields, et cetera, et cetera. She looks like a dried chili. You know, though, I like Chelsea Handler. I know a lot of people don't like her. I've always found her to be quite funny. I'm up and down. I don't really watch that much of her.

I honestly respect anyone who's just that much of a horrible person, like who commits to it. So I don't hate her. I just feel like she's being a hypocrite saying that women shouldn't use their vaginas to get places when she fucked her way to the middle. Like, shut up, Chelsea. Shut up. Well, bad news. We were just about to have her as a guest on this show, but she just canceled. I'm sure. So sure as a guest on this show, but she just canceled. I'm sure.

So sure she'd come on this show. Well, should we start talking about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Was there any gossip we wanted to discuss before we got into it? Supposedly, this Penny Lancaster woman turned down Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but I don't honestly even know who she is. I just read that at the last second. So basically, the gossip this week is so slow that the news is that things didn't happen. Yeah, there's going to be a new Pope, you guys. Oh,

really? What time? Well, they're picking him. They're voting him now. They all have to get locked in the Sistine Chapel together. Oh, wow. And they just vote. They have these little cards and black smoke comes out when they haven't made a decision and white smoke comes out when they have made a decision,

and there are four votes a day. And they're basically locked in there until something happens. Am I the only one who sort of imagines this voting process and being locked in the Vatican being sort of like Camilla Grammer's Dinner Party Season 1? Everyone's around a table with giant thrones, and there's some crazy bitch with a fake cigarette smoking and trying to tell the future. I can tell you

when the next pope is going to die. I love that about me. That cardinal will never emotionally satisfy anyone. No, that! You don't know me. I just get into a fight just like that.

When that cardinal dies, I'm going to know where his bones are buried. And I don't want any of you calling me to ask me for my help. Know that. I already know every single little boy that that cardinal is going to molest. Know that. So, yeah.

So I just imagine, like, candlelight, beautiful artwork, and lots of handjobs. Wow. Like, finally. We can only have handjobs once every 30 years. Your hands are so rough. But waiting for this moment. Let's just tell everyone we're just voting for a really long time. Could you please put a Ziploc on your hand so it feels like a five-year-old?

Please? You know, it's very important for every cardinal to have a hand job. That's what makes a good marriage. You're disgusting women. Sit down, shut up, and vote for a pope. Who advises you

to do this Vatican anyway? I am a dumber person for having coming to this vote. Mary Sol, I want to make an educated vote about the Pope. Mary Sol. That Pope is an animal in my opinion. You know what I say about the Vatican? Tear it down! Tear it down!

about the Vatican? Tear it down! Tear it down! You know what? I hope everyone likes this pope because I would hate for someone to be like, I hate him. I hate the pope. He's not my first choice.

I want your father to be the pope. He likes frozen yogurt. I be the pop. He likes frozen yogurt. I hate the pop. We're just going down the Miami voices at this point. Oh, Miami. It's been a while, you know.

Come home, Miami. Sometimes you got to do the voices just for the fun of it. So on to the regular shows. You want to start with Bev Hills. All right. Not too much happened this week on Beverly Hills. We picked up at the tail end of Paris where everyone got onto a boat. And, again, nothing happened.

Yolanda gave Brandy a gift, like these sort of stripper shoes. I'm so sorry for Brandy because Brandy doesn't have anybody who loves her or likes her or even writes her the emails. So I made her some shoes. I feel bad for her because she doesn't have anybody who loves her or likes her or even writes her the emails, so I made her some shoes. I feel bad for her because she doesn't even have a horse. Like, who doesn't have a horse by the time they are 39? What is the point of owning lemon trees if you can't shove the lemons up people's butts? Poor Brandy. Poor Brandy.

She would just have a tree with littered lemons, littered unused lemons all around the tree stone. I feel bad that her refrigerator does not have a window. You know, at her age, she should have a window on her refrigerator, and she doesn't even have that. I feel so bad. I'm going to get her some shoes. Yeah, poor Brandy. I feel real bad for Brandy.

Meanwhile, Kim doesn't have any money there. She didn't get any shoes, but I guess she did get a furry thing from Maurice. A bag. Well, they offered her a lot of wine, and she never took it, so no complaints, Kim. No complaints. Turns out I was eating the

wrong pill. I thought it was an M&M. How? Turns out I was buying. I'm texting after we got back from Mexico. You ain't gonna believe this, but my pills, they were the same shape. They were like a rectangle but with rounded edges.

Those are my water pills. And those are the same shape as those pills that I was taking last year when you threw me into the rehab place. Yeah. And you know what's weird is that my pill, honestly, this doesn't taste like the normal pill because it was like liquid and my pill is normally more like a pill.

And then I realized, oh, that was wine I was drinking. It wasn't a pill. One time I wanted a pixie stick and I saw something the same shape and I was trying to suck down a pencil. I felt like a real dum-dum. Thank God for contacts, Kyle. Contacts save everything one time there's like this big like pile of of desiccated coconut that was seen that i know i love coconut and i was like i want to smell the coconut so i put my nose in it and i just like smelled and smelled and smelled

and i had smelled up all the coconut and it went into me and I put my contacts and I saw it was cocaine. Sorry, Kyle. Stupid. And of course, Kyle's like, well, you guys, it totally makes sense. The pills do look the same. They actually really do look the same. Oh, poor Kim.

So Kim has decided that anything that is the same shape as something else she can ingest. As long as it's the same shape as something safe, then it's totally fine. The question is, why did she not get rid of the bad pills? Why were they just still hanging around? Was she using them in her chicken salad for some reason? Hey, waste not, want not. You know how many kids in Africa who would die, they'd be having seizures right now instead of feeling hungry.

I get nervous. Oh, Kim, Kim, Kim. And I love Kyle trying to comfort her by I love you. I just want you to call me. Call me whenever you want. Well, yeah, I was in bed last year and I was like this is it. I'm gonna die. I just knew

it. I saw it coming. Well, I thought so too last year and I was like, this is it. I'm going to die. I just knew it. I saw it coming. Well, I thought so too, Kim. I mean, every time someone calls, I think they're calling to tell me that you're dead. Well, it could happen because I could still, I mean, any second. Any second. My contacts get dry a lot. You never know what I'm going to be putting in there. Maybe someone will call you and I'll be dead.

I mean, what's going to happen? Big deal. Who cares? Plus, my house is real dangerous. Like, I don't know if you and I'll be dead. I mean, what's going to happen? Big deal. Who cares? Plus, my house is real dangerous. Like, I don't know if you know this about my house. It's right on the edge of the Grand Canyon. Every day I'm like, I'm going to fall in Grand Canyon. Kim, you live like in Ventura.

It's a curb. Why do you think I got a dresser outside, Kyle? Because it's dangerous in my house. I'm worried for my dresser. I don't want my dresser out there, Kyle. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take a whole bunch of water pills and help you forget about it all.

Oh, poor Kim. Poor Kim. Kind of, but I do have to say that I loved her on the sun chair in Paris, on the boat, mumbling to herself while her boob hung out, like, instead of that last scene with her completely coherent and sober.

I'm sorry. I don't want her. I don't want her. I do also like on the boat when Kyle and Lisa sit down and Lisa's like, this is a nice moment of peace and quiet. And I was like, here Kim goes, Kyle! Kyle!

Hey! Is this a chair or a bed? I don't have my contacts in. I'm going to lay down on it and hope for the best. Hey, why is the Louvre moving down the river? I don't understand. It's nice when they put down a chair for me. That's why I can look at Mona Lisa. So I love that Brandy gets

these shoes. Yolanda, I feel so sorry for her because she has no one. And Marisa's like, yeah, me too. So look, this is the bridge that me and Kyle went on to be romantic and put a lock on the thing to say how much we love each other. Shut up, tour guide.

Let her have her damn shoes. I know. Well, so anyway,. Let her have her damn shoes. I know. Well, so anyway, they went back to L.A. And then we had – and those were like a hodgepodge of scenes. We had Yolanda had a photo shoot with a photographer, some gay photographer who had the hairstyle. It was like – I think it was like a munchkin hairstyle. I think it was maybe a tie-in for Oz the Great and Powerful because I don't think I normally see that hairstyle.

That's actually a very good call. I was going to say he was like a fat Perez. Also known as Perez. Yeah, who is obsessed with the new Hobbit movie. Because you know the new Hobbit movie, the hairstyles and that? I kind of thought it was... I think it's Munchkin.

It definitely looked Munchkin. And if not Munchkin, maybe like a bleached blonde olive oil from Popeye. I don't know what it was. I think it's Munchkin. It definitely looked Munchkin. And if not Munchkin, like maybe like a bleached blonde olive oil from Popeye. I don't know what it was. It was just. Oh my God. It was cartoony and strange. And as a gay, he should know better. Unless he's been watching the Style Network.

I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. Isn't that the movie Olive Oil Sing and Popeye the movie?

Oh, I. Well, unfortunately, I'm not totally familiar with the Popeye songbook. Oh, my god. But I am familiar with – How dare you, sir? Who played – was that What's-Her-Face? The Shining? Yeah, Shelley Duvall.

Shelley Duvall. Yeah, she should be a real housewife at Beverly Hills. I would love that except she's's probably in New Mexico doing pottery. Which, by the way, is Kim Richards' next step, by the way. She's basically one poncho away from moving off to Albuquerque. Oh, Kim. Well, she's going to need to get some money somewhere. She better save up.

Now, by the way, I want to say in that photo shoot yolanda looked amazing did you think that also you know if yolanda's personality wasn't just so fucking terrible jesus she shows up she's like oh i don't like this oh that dress is horrible oh my husband doesn't like my hair curly it's like i know that you think that being a bitch is making you look really powerful but you're doing a photo shoot at someone's house for the Asia Times. Like, shut up. Either way, I thought she looked super hot. And how old is she?

She's like 50, right? Or she's pushing 50. She looks fantastic. I don't know how old she is. I really don't know. She has lemon face. I can't tell. It's all those lemons.

You'll't know. She has lemon face. I can't tell. It's all those lemons. You'll never know. But I loved her moth-eaten dress and her kind of vag showing out the front of her. I don't know. That whole thing was disturbing. I don't want to see that. And then to see her lumpy old husband show up and, like, try and make a boob joke and grab her joke. And did you notice that all the pictures were of her kneeling in front of her husband? I mean, come on. I know.

I know. Well, it's very important for a wife to kneel before his husband. It makes him feel powerful. Oh, yeah, as long as he feels powerful. I will only do this photo shoot if you allow me to cook for my husband first. I brought over a cart of lemons that I picked myself. When I drew this photo shoot, I drew David being happy and satisfied with his meal.

After dinner, I'm going to go out to a tree and chop it down and make logs out of it and put them on David's feet. This way I'll always know when he's walking and I can hear him and I can make lemons for him. They can be ready for him. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just crazy. It's a crazy day here in LA. for him i don't know what i'm talking about i'm just crazy it's crazy day here in la um now i think personally the real star of the episode and the best part of the entire episode was the return of dana slash pam who oh my god saddest audition of all time it was no it was great this is exactly

how a drunk lady should act like you know angry slring, letting a cigarette from a candle. She's, like, ready to be a cougar. It was fantastic. Like, someone send her to Manhattan Beach, put her on a bar stool, and send the men to her. That's probably where her ass has been is in Manhattan Beach. You're absolutely right. That is like a hoe at the Cheesecake Factory bar in Manhattan Beach. Totally. Trying to find someone who owns a condo so so the story here

is that dana um just got dumped by her never seen boyfriend and she's taking the breakup pretty hard so she's been drinking drinking and fucking i guess but you know what i love about this she didn't just get dumped i mean this happened after the filming of last season this was a long time ago and they're making it sound like, oh, she just got dumped. She has been on Twitter having a fit, a drunken fit about him, bashing him all over Twitter, sending him like crazy ranting, if you can even do that, tweets. I mean, it's like tweet after tweet because you can only fit so many words in a tweet. I mean, that woman is embarrassing. But I didn't even believe that she was drunk in this. I thought was like oh well brandy got a job by being drunk and vulgar

so i'm gonna try and get a job yeah well i don't know i i think she seemed kind of drunk to me and i kind of liked it and i sort of i like that she's unapologetically drunk she's like yeah fuck that i'm drunk i want to be drunk right now in the middle of the afternoon that's a bad brandy impersonation. Ain't going to work, bitch. You ain't getting a job. The drunk horror role is already filled on this show. Sorry.

Three times. But you know what I actually loved? I love that Taylor was like, you know, I've been there. I've known what it's like to want to take like a drink or two. So I wanted to say something, but now wasn't the right moment. And I'm just like, okay, so Kim goes to rehab. And then Kim decides that she's going to tell Taylor when or when she can't drink. And then Taylor's going to tell Dana. It's like a weird version of The Ring where the only way to survive is to pass it forward.

You know? It's like if they don't find another drunkard to, like, impart, like, stupid advice to, then they're going to shrivel up and die and be found inside a closet. You know? to then they're going to shrivel up and die and be found inside a closet you know or it's like the or it's like the um just kidding dead air or it's like the actual uh modern version of the movie the ring where you see rehab and it affects you so badly that it's in your soul and it crawls out of a toilet and it spreading it everywhere until everyone's dead. Before you die, you see the toilet ring. Fake sobriety is hilarious, but then seeing it spread is even more hilarious.

It's like when you see those things when people go interview people on death row and they're like, oh, yeah, I found the Bible. Let me tell you what the Bible says. It's like, shut up. You're going to lecture me on the Bible? Fool, you killed 10 people. You're on death row. Shut up. I're going to lecture me on the Bible fool. You killed 10 people. You're on death row. Shut up. I know.

I know. Now, another thing that I also loved about this Dana thing was that when she started talking about how much she hated Brandy and she would have been being like,

you know, she just doesn't fit in with our group. Like, you know, like our group is like at a certain level and she's just not there. I'm like, don't get it twisted, Dana.

What group are you talking about? Because last time I checked, you are not in this group whatsoever. Are you talking about the house what group are you talking about because last time i checked you are not in this group whatsoever are you talking about the housewives are you talking about the sad single poor ladies who are on like jew date without even being jewish trying to find rich man you pathetic pathetic soul i think she's talking about like her salad spinner and her rice cooker that she likes to call her friends like hey girls ladies night and she puts like little wine glasses by next to them let's talk about things uh rice i'm so sick of it and my right rice cooker i just wish i was there so i could be like so dana how's your business

thin shot going oh yeah how's your how's your son who at two years old can speak fluent dana's just one of those kids who wants to be liked so bad. She's like that Brittany Murphy character in Clueless. She just wants, you know, she's just over energetic. She won't shut up. And look what happened to her. Dead in her house of cocaine or some horrible thing. I love Dana.

Like, she cracks me up because she tries so hard. Like, that's the best part about her. And I would love to see more of her. I mean, Mar anika's okay she doesn't really do anything i think dana she tries so damn hard oh i want more of her sad dana sad speaking of kissing ass by the way it was amazing to see her and that was the only entertaining part of the show so i agree but um speaking of kissing ass later on at uh the store opening cost opening so taylor uh and yolanda spoke to clear the air because there's this whole thing that like david was married to linda and linda is taylor's best friend for so many years and so okay let's

do this scene who do you want to be yolanda or taylor um i guess i'll be uh i'll be Taylor. Okay. All right. So I wanted to talk to you about David. Oh, okay. So we could go to Starbucks then someday and talk about it. Well, first you have to stop speaking. I'm not paying for premium coffee. So I'll take you to Starbucks because I have a gift card there that the maid gave me one time. Well, that's the thing. David always took

Linda to Starbucks. This isn't the Starbucks. Why are you talking to me in here? This isn't the Starbucks. I don't see a bar. Well, you're going to have to stop talking for me to answer that question about why I'm talking. Okay, why don't you talk now? Okay. Talk. Go ahead.

So what I want to say... Go ahead, say something. Okay, so what I want to say is that David, the way David treated Linda... David is my husband, okay? He is a good husband. I serve him. You know, if I worked at Starbucks, I would have an apron

that said, Hi, I'm Yolanda. I serve David. Okay, but you know what, though? It turns out he's a good man. It turns out he's a good man. I'm going to write on every cup if I work at Starbucks, the name is David, because I only serve David. He's a good man, though. That's what I discovered.

I told you. That's right. You didn't have to tell me. I knew he was a good man. I'm glad we had this talk because you realize that David is wonderful, like I told you. Okay. Now, here's the thing. So that basically's the thing. So, that basically

was the conversation. But what was funny was that Taylor was like, it turns out, when I went, he was so warm and he really is a great guy. And I realized I've just been prejudiced all this time. And in my mind, I'm thinking, you are such an ass-kisser.

That's like your best friend's ex, and all of a sudden, you're now going to go on public TV and make your, you make your friends seem like she was the crazy one. No, no, no. That's obnoxious. She's just kissing up because she sees where the money is.

Second of all, wasn't Taylor didn't, wasn't that the part? Cause she said she realized that he was nice at Muhammad's house. Right? Yeah. When some of Muhammad's. So wasn't that when David was like,

Oh, hello. And you are, and she was like, Oh God,, and you are? And she's like, oh, God, like, you don't even know my name. So didn't he, like, not even remember who she was at all and have a memory of it? Well, that is actually the highest compliment

you can pay to Taylor. Oh, my God, he doesn't remember me. Oh, my God, I love him. I can tell him my name is whatever I want. He thinks I'm worthless. Oh, my God, I love him. Beat me. Taylor's an ass kisser. But, you know, her friend might have also been the one who put the kibosh on that and said, listen, he is still giving me a shitload of money.

I don't want you talking about him badly on TV. That's true, too. I don't want my alimony going away. But I love that Yolanda, you know, she says that she's this old-fashioned girl from a farm. And, you know, she says that she's this old-fashioned girl from a farm and, you know, she's so traditional but then the way she looks at things is oh, he is so nice to all of his ex-wives. Yeah. You know, every one

of us gets the money. It's like that's what you consider to be a good person, is to have like five ex-wives. Come on. And by the way, she's so traditional that she still has Muhammad's last name and her last name, by the way, just to remind everyone who else she's been married to. Very traditional.

Very traditional. Yeah, she's got to keep whatever last name is going to pay out in the end because David probably made her sign a prenup. Yeah. It seems like it because why the hell else would she be running around like a damn waitress? Yeah, I mean, otherwise she would be buying three, four horses by now. Yeah, no kidding. I can't afford a horse. I can't afford a horse. I can't afford a horse.

It's too expensive for me. I'm just going to go back to my Malibu beachfront property and eat lemons. Here are some shoes, Brandy. I hope that you named them. Could have been a second horse for Yolanda. So, yeah, that was a pretty awesome fight. And I love that Yolanda is finally being C-wordy and aligning with Brandy. I think that that's really fun.

And I hope that it – I can't believe that I'm saying this because I've not been a Yolanda fan this season. But I'm hoping that it gives her a second season because I do – you know, I've said it a million times on this show. I do believe that it takes two seasons for your bitch, Bloom, to flourish. I agree. I absolutely agree. Or your bitch, to flourish i agree i absolutely agree um or your bitch bud to bloom i guess that's right because that's when fame um ruins you and you become awful yes yes you have to see yourself on tv for a year and get into twitter wars with strange people from trailer parks and then you bloom like a beautiful bitter flower exactly i

can't even imagine what it would do to me. I'd be a monster. You probably would be a monster. You wouldn't even know what to do with yourself because you'd see famous people everywhere. Your head would explode. I would be so bad. If people think I'm a name dropper now, wait till you get me on TV. So good. How was your day?

Oh my god, I saw Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Regis Philbin, Pat Sajak, Alex Trebek. Now I'm just with game show hosts. Those are the only famous people I can think of, right? Bob Eubanks, Chuck Woolery. I was at the Game Show Network. You guys, I'm just very important like that.

I saw a picture of Robert. What's his face? Tamarkin. Peter Tamarkin. I'm done. My game show host knowledge is done. I went through everything my mom watches already. The point is this.

I probably would be pretty bad if I got famous. I can't even imagine what Matt would be like, to be honest. And I know he's listening. And he would admit it, too. He would admit it, too. I can only imagine what Matt would be like if he was famous on a real Housewives show I would be so embarrassed

I would hate myself even more if I got famous on a Housewives show I think it would only really count if I finally got off my ass one day and did something important but I think if I was just on a reality show I would be ashamed i would be ashamed for people like i went to um i went to sir this weekend with a friend oh well sorry we have to

start talking about this because then we'll start going from this to uh to vanderpoop vanderpoop yeah okay so i've been there before but my friend had a mute god i can't talk today i'm sorry a friend of mine has become friends with some of those waiters or whatever. So I was shocked that they actually do work at Sur. They all actually work there, which I couldn't believe that. They're all midgets. Sheena's nice. She's really, really short.

Her eyelashes are just as big and fake as they are on TV. And she does have eyelash glue that's glaring. And I don't even know what they were talking about. I really don't have any great news to report except that that would be horrifying to me. It's like you're on TV but you're still a waiter. I don't like it. And then people are like, oh, hey, put down your train. Let's take a picture.

Oh, that's really annoying. That means you must get terrible service. Well, put down your train. Let's take a picture. Oh, that's really annoying. That means you must get terrible service. Well, Tom was actually working. He was shaking up those drinks because that place is really tiny. It's like a little bar. Yeah. And then in the back,

there's kind of that patio section that you see on TV. And then there's another room as big as the bar, which is teeny tiny. So really, I think the people who have to work the hardest are the bartenders because everybody packs into that bar. And the people who have to work the hardest are the bartenders

because everybody packs into that bar. And the people who go there are such bottom feeders. Oh, yeah. Like their big push-up – the little push-up bras are all like 22 years old, like looking around to see if maybe they can make friends with Tom or get his phone number. Like, bitch, no, you're not going to become friends with Tom and get his phone number.

Stop it. Well, they all think it's going to take a scene and it's a place to go to. And no one actually goes to serve. No one who matters if I'm going to speak like Kristen goes to serve. But it's true. What commoners? Was the food good at least? I just

drank. Were you at the lounge or were you at the restaurant? We were at the lounge. Oh, okay. I don't know if I've been. I think I walked into the lounge for like a second a second yeah i ate food there but i ate the food there last time it was really good it's very fresh and clean it's not anything crazy you know it was like uh filet on a cracker yeah but but good you know so meanwhile fascinating story why don't we go move on to the vanderpump rules reunion secrets and let's talk about that food for one second. So it was pretty much like a lost footage-esque show.

And one of the lost footage things that we saw was Lisa be like, you know, I thought it would be very important for you all to taste the specials. Because it's important for the servers to know what – my English accent is terrible today, by the way. I'm stopping it right now. But she was like, everyone try the specials because you have to know what you're serving and they're acting as if this was like a like a like some novel idea that she had that they do once in a while it's like every restaurant isn't it supposed to be every restaurant all the servers tried the specials every single day every single service lunch yeah that's pretty much how it works it's not it shouldn't be like a all right well it's it's that time of the week.

Let's try some specials. And then they try it and it's like a whole hokey thing. I mean, I honestly, I love Lisa Vanderpump, but this entire show and especially this reunion leftovers thing made me really question her management skills, you know? Well, I don't think she actually manages anything. I think that she's just there as a character to yell at everybody and be mean to them and then leave. But then when someone asked a question that was like, Lisa, you see the behavior of these people. You see Jax has sex in the bathroom or whatever, or the way Stassi is like, why don't you just fire them? And Lisa's like, well, you only see the good side. But the truth is, she's like well you only see the good side but the truth is she's a

great server i mean like she acts as if like you know it's like one of those movies where it's like jeff goldblum has to come in to save the world from the aliens like oh he's so annoying but he's the only one who can do it he's the best there is it's like no she's a server. She is so highly replaceable. Like, I guarantee there are 50 to 100 other girls in this city who could deliver oversized tuna tartare to a table. No kidding. And I love that she says, oh, she's such a wonderful server, right after the clip of Stassi not even being able to say what a special is. It's like ahi tuna or something. Like, so easy. But also, Lisa can't just answer, well, because darling, you know, I mean, it's like ahi tuna or something like so easy so i took them but also lisa can't just answer well because darling you know i mean it's a reality tv show and good waiters

are really boring horrible people who are never getting anywhere in life all right do you want to watch a tv show about them no you want to watch some tv show about holes doing it in the bathroom giving each other herpes getting each other pregnant and you know fucking each other over yeah darling darling um yeah that's that that is the true answer so i took a bunch of notes um i so i the first thing that we saw on this was um a flashback to some god-awful beach blanket bingo thing going on where stassi had a beach party and she invited uh kristin to make amends to kristin because this is when she and Horseface were having a fight still. And Horseface had the audacity to mention Laura Lee's name or be like, oh, yeah, I don't think Laura Lee's that bad.

And Stassi lost her shit. And I think I just – my favorite part of when she lost her shit, she was like screaming and crying. She goes, this is my party that I literally invited you to as opposed to like she figuratively invited her to. She's like, I literally invited you. I literally invited you to. As opposed to, like, she figuratively invited her to. Like, she's like, I literally invited you. I literally invited you. And I love that they sing how many literally's the editors cut out this year of Stassi. Because every clip they showed her in, she was like, literally, she just said that to me. Like, we literally just broke up and you're literally, like, doing that with some girl some girl that like literally everybody hated until i told him not to hate her and she literally like literally screwed

me literally like not under but literally like over literally it's gonna be my literally person the next evite that i send out is gonna be like i literally just sent you an evite so you literally have to respond below otherwise i'm literally going to kick you off the Evite. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation

to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app

or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that.

Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more she is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights she is a villain to others follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts

listen everywhere on February 5th or you can listen early and ad free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts it's really quiet after that huh Starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Wow, it's really quiet after that, huh? Our, Ronnie and I, our connection just fell out.

It literally just dropped. Literally just fell out. And the thing is this, I was, I told this whole elaborate Evite joke. And I was like, literally, literally, literally. And then it was just like silence. I was like, oh, I guess it wasn't that funny of a joke. And then it was like more silence. I like oh i guess it wasn't that funny of a joke and then it was like more silence i was like it's really not funny wow ryan's not even giving me like a fake laugh to be like okay ben you know you went there i applaud you for committing to the evite joke but i'm writing a resignation i'm literally writing a

resignation letter over here okay so um moving on so also i want to know that you might well i guess you can keep it in and then if i listen to the podcast i'll hear it which i won't i'm gonna keep it in so everyone can hear the awkwardness of how that dead air that followed okay because i the thing is this it was like sort of a long joke so i really it was one of those things where like to go on like a semi-long joke and then get nothing afterwards. I literally wanted to throw myself into the sand and never see Horseface's face again. Oh, poor Horseface. So I also liked that Tom, not only does he spend hours on his stupid hair and put little strange, like, Mayan indents into them, but he also has lifts in his shoes.

Well, I'm glad to see that one tradition that Burt Reynolds brought us is staying alive in the 2010s. Where does one even get lifts? I didn't even know that that was a thing that people did anymore or that you could do. It doesn't even occur to me. The only person that I know that does that is Tom Cruise. I mean, I don't know him, but they say that he does that. That's probably why Tom Sandoval probably has such high hair,

is he's trying to create some length, create some height. So anyway, then my next favorite scene, it's not really next favorite, it's just the next scene that happened, and it also happened to be one of my favorites, was back to that sampling of the special specials and they're all they're all trying the food whatever and stassi's like hamming it up and everyone's laughing at her they think she's so funny and then jacks jack says to her wow looks like you had awesome sex last night oh god which is which to me is like, first of all, who says that?

And who says that in front of your boss? The guy just gets less and less attractive every time he opens his mouth. He just gets dumber and dumber. And so inappropriate. And of course, Stassi's embarrassed. She leaves crying. And it was actually one of the few times where I felt like I understood her hissy fit. You did? Oh, come on.

You're watching this show too much. You're totally getting it. No, I mean look. If you're a girl – honestly, I will say this. If you're a girl and you're at a workplace and someone else says to you, it looks like you had awesome sex last night, that's actually, that's like borderline sexual harassment, quite frankly. Yeah, unless your job is running around in a skirt that's so short, your dick would be hanging out of it if you have it.

She was asking for it. Using your boobs to make money because you can't wait tables, and then telling everyone that your boyfriend has been fucking a whore and got her pregnant, and then you're cheating on your boyfriend with some random bartender. And fucking two guys at the same time.

And, I mean, come on, please. Sexual harassment has no place in Vanderpump Rules. That's true. I really should stop looking at these incidences as if they're in a vacuum. Because, I mean, there is a vacuum. Yeah, this isn't the real world. It's not like it's in an office or something like that. It's like you can't, there's no sexual harassment officer in a whorehouse, OK?

And by the way, don't get me wrong. I definitely was laughing at Stassi as she was crying. But I was laughing even more at Jax being like, OK, sorry, sorry, sorry. Like he's such an asshole. He's such a typical douchebag to say something like that, thinking he's being hilarious. And then he's like, all right, sorry, my bad, my bad. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's like it's not even – he can't even take responsibility for it but he knows the right

thing to say he's just a total idiot well the real reason that she was upset anyway is because he just said that in front of everybody when she's been banging frank at the same time absolutely knows that she's not supposed to be doing that she just got caught yep um so further evidence that jacks is an idiot is uh later on he was – his friend Tom Schwartz was making him some burgers. And Jax was like, I don't know. He's talking about how he misses Stassi or whatever. He misses her. And Tom doesn't know what to say. So he's like, well, it is what it is because he doesn't – he literally does not know what to say and he probably doesn't even care. And Jax is like, he always has these great one-liners like it is what it is or that's the way the cookie crumbles like listen jacks tom did not make those up they're not great one-liners those are if you look up the definition for cliche that's what that

is and i'm not even being sarcastic like the definition of cliche is that's the way the cookie crumbles but i love the continuation of that when he's like, you know, you could lose your arm. And he'd be like, everyone's got to go sometime, which doesn't make any sense, first of all. And then when Tom says something else, like, oh, you know, well, that's the way it is. Jax is like, what is that, one of your two-liners? Oh, my God. But then I love how when Jax is explaining just how much he loves Stassi, he's like, you know, normally I'd be out hammering girls. Like, really, just like, you know, I have sex with everything that moves.

I've been there when you do that. Yeah. So you just want to hammer them. But then he goes, this is a quote from him. He goes, that's how I know I love her. If I didn't love her, I wouldn't have cared about why he didn't hammer a girl from Orange County. So that's the standard. He's like, I wanted to.

I was about to hook up with this girl from Orange County. And she's like, well, since I live in Orange County, can I just spend the night? And he's like, no, I'm going through a bad breakup. Well, then can we stay in a hotel? Okay, sure. But then on the way to the hotel, I was like, no, I don't think so. And that shows that I care. That shows how much I care for her.

So I fucked her in the car and left her at the bus stop. You're so romantic. I nominally put the brakes on this hookup with a girl from the OC. That's how much I care about her. It's called having standards, Jax. You might want to look into it. Meanwhile, it was Tamara in the trunk. And then also, then a little bit later on andy cohen started pressuring

jacks about wearing a condom how jacks doesn't wear a condom and like it's now documented like in several different incidences when he's not wearing a condom and he's like well and sort of like giggling and he's like okay i know i know i shouldn't and they're like yeah i mean they're like you know jacks you got a girl pregnant in vegas he's like well although she wasn't actually pregnant as if like oh wait no no no never mind you can be unprotected because she wasn't pregnant so there were no consequences and not only that it's a fucking lie he's already kind of admitted all this stuff so to say now like months later oh well she wasn't pregnant that was just that was the part that was a lie on her part yeah like really shut up like he can't even stop

lying and then i love that stassi doesn't even care about the condom thing at all well who cares then you still slept with somebody else yeah yeah he slept with a porn star without a condom yeah and fucked you and then slept with that crazy method without a condom and fucked you you were just as skanky as him you crazy bitch you took on his you took on his herpes oh gross that guy with his eye uh his eyebrow makeup i just can't i can't take it anymore it just needs to say needs to go away for a long long time oh i did find out at sir that they got a season two and they're announcing it at some tv conference coming up oh okay so you guys have that to look yeah we're announcing it first sir got conference coming up. Oh, okay. So you guys have that to look forward to.

Yeah, we're announcing it first. Surrogate season two. Yeah, it's official. I found out from a busboy. It's a fish. Was it the hot busboy? You know the one I like. I don't think there is an ugly busboy there.

Actually, there was someone who looked like there were 13 there. I'm not sure about Lisa's hiring practices, but they were all very cute. So anyway, then we had a sequence of Stassi. It was like a Stassi super sequence where we sort of got the best of her awfulness. And so we see her. She's like, I get off when I come to work and I look so

good. Everyone says how hot I am. You wouldn't believe how many people think I'm good looking. All I have to do, though, is just go to Amazing Race Family Edition and I can see Stassi's origins. And no matter how hot she thinks she is, I know I can just bring that

photo in to Sir and ruin her. Ruin her! Make her cry. Make her cry. And then she goes, I say what's exactly on my mind. And I'm like, well, if you say exactly what's on your mind, you only have the worst things on your mind. You're horrible. You have the worst thoughts, intentions, and impressions on your mind.

Yeah, that girl is horrible. What about that part in the beach where she's having a beach birthday party? Yeah, that's where she said that this is the party that I literally invited you to. Literally. I literally invited you to this party and everyone's surrounding her it's okay stassi and she's telling off this poor girl and cursing her out and then saying you're so classless like you just said every have some class really class have some get some it. With class. Get it. I went to a girls school in New Orleans.

Get class. I love the part where Andy asks Lisa, hey, you know, Lisa, I'm sure that a lot of people tweeted you to get rid of Stassi, and she's like, well, actually, she's a good waitress, and you know, the other girls are kind of good, too. I mean, Kristen, though, I don't know

about her. She hasn't been promoted in five years. She's so horrible. I love that. And Horseman's like, I don't want to be manager anyway. That's not the point, what you want. The point is you're still in the same place after five years.

Whoa, damn! Kristen's like, I don't get it. Man, I hope this changes Lisa for this reunion of Beverly Hills because she is going to take any – how she is. Well, there are two other things that I really enjoyed about this. It was Horseface at the end of the show. They're sort of having this sentimental moment where all the waitresses are in a car.

Their butts hang off, about to die if someone has to stop short. They're going to get flung from that car it was like driving me nuts but then horse face is like the friendships we build are phenomenal i'm like did you not just see the past hour do you remember that beach party you went to do you remember that do you not see that at all kristen am i am i crazy i also love they showed a scene um where jack's like apologizing to stassi like they're in like the bedroom this is like what jack's that was like the most romantic thing also and he's like saying all these things like you know i was a bad boyfriend but now i realize like i know what i have to do i want to be a better man and stassi is like he's so good with words he's so good and he goes after five minutes of yeah well you know well i like i see it because you're like i mean i was like bad and you were

good and i was like kind of wrong i mean look i know i know because you were right and i was wrong and then like the good of the you know there's good in things and there's bad. And then he goes, you're better than a bottle of vodka. Great with words. That man. Why is he not working for the New Yorker? Especially when he's trying to be so poetic. And in the mirror, you see the boom hanging right in his face. This is such bullshit.

I know. They're all so stupid. The New Yorker. Yeah. I would love to see a column also stupid. The New Yorker. Yeah. I would love to see a column of his in The New Yorker. Oh. It'd be called Sores I Have Known. Sore loser.

These poor people. I'm so glad to be done with them and be back to middle-aged people to hate until next year. Absolutely. So did you watch atlanta i certainly did so um atlanta so there's the episode started off they were still in los angeles on their girls trip and they were gonna go to vegas and uh the girls were all gonna go in a party bus anini was gonna fly and this was what cracked me up so anini's like i'll be flying in first class i'm like bitch you're flying to Vegas.

You're going to be in Southwest. You know, like enjoy your tomato juice for the 45-minute flight. It's funny that Nini thinks she's Hugh Hefner now. I know. It cracks me up with her. You're a supporting player on a sitcom that's going to not have more than one year. Get over yourself, lady. a supporting player on a sitcom that's gonna not have more than one year get over yourself lady i mean atlanta has four times the viewers that your shitty sitcom does so get over yourself also i

recorded that bullshit show and i could not even watch the first 10 minutes of it it was bad watch it i can't this show atlanta is funnier than that show for sure yeah it is and it's better written yeah yeah well and they're the lines that come out of it are just amazing i mean i first of all everything that came out of the bus ride the bus ride was great um because i think we've all been there where we've gone on what should be a simple drive to vegas and just never seems to end because of traffic and these poor women like i i started to imagine what it must have been like to be in that party bus for like eight hours plus just trying to get to Vegas. But I was cracking up when Fajer was like, what are we going to do tonight?

And Kenny goes, gamble. She didn't say gamble. She's like, gamble. Gamble. Gamble. I'm going to win some money for Riley. See, what I want to do, when I go to Vegas, I want to gamble. I want to gamble with Riley.

Gamble. And then, of course, the best moment, though, is when Candy was explaining the moment when she had to fart while she was climaxing through orgasm. And she goes, when your body tenses up, you can push that apart. Like, ha, ha, ha. Brr, you can push that apart. Like... We watched that scene like five times. Oh, you're going to love Candy Coated Nights when that comes on. Did you notice that Phaedra also had all sorts of armpit hair going on? No.

There's one scene where Phaedra laughs. She's like, oh, girl. And she put her hands up and boom, she needs to shave under there. Oh, no. Is she just missing a couple of days or is she French? It's somewhere in between. It looks like she's missing. It's more than stubble, less than French.

But enough that it's noticeable in in bad lighting on a bus oh no apollo's cheating yeah that's what that's gonna mean uh well maybe maybe it's one of her old wives tales like maybe it's a remedy for something much like how she has her um her tried and true pregnancy test which is that if you um feed a rabbit in your urine and if he dies you pregnant girl no not if you feed well yeah i guess it did turn in to feed it but first it was like yeah we need to make her pee on a rabbit i love these country remedies and i love that everybody's staring at her and then she changed it to well no you give a rabbit pee to a pregnant no you give pregnant woman pee to a rabbit, and if it dies, that means she's pregnant. And Kenny's like, why would you kill a rabbit?

We do not need to kill a rabbit. That is ridiculous. They're like, she's kidding. She's like, all you have to do is pee on some grass. And if it catches on fire, you know you've had slept with Jax. Well, the rabbit test is a legitimate thing. I think you have to inject it into

the rabbit, but that's an actual thing. So I love that nobody knew that at all. And I love that Kenya's argument was, we could go to the dollar store and get a pregnancy test. Why would you kill a rabbit? I love that your first thought is going to the dollar store for a pregnancy test, you dumbass.

I was like, what sort of cheap pregnancy test are you going to be using? No kidding. You don't buy pregnancy tests at the dollar store. You don't buy light bulbs, condoms. She's like, what you have to do is pee on the Mexican candy. And if it melts, then you know you might be late. You need to go pee in a public restroom and if a baby comes out it means you've been pregnant this whole time

and didn't even know. That is wrong, Candy! Candy, that is wrong! Disgusting, Candy! That's not how I found out about Riley. Riley didn't come out that way. You know what I said about Riley. You know. Riley didn't come out that way. You know what I said about Riley. You know.

Riley came out at prom in the middle of the dance floor. And I was like, oh. Riley. You got to stay right up. Riley. Riley. Whoa. Ridiculous. That's still my favorite part of the opening credits.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Riley, I got my keg of balls in my vagina. Oh, that was funny too. She has a sex party and she's trying to give everybody sex toys girl you carrying balls around in there aha i'm nearly nice to meet you i got balls up in me

that was amazing um then i so then the one of the big things that happened in the episode was that porsche didn't want to go to the crazy horse strip club with everyone else uh because she was like she basically said that her uh her husband wouldn't uh because she was like she basically said that her her husband wouldn't let her uh but then she also said that she's active in ministries and she felt it wouldn't look good yada yada yada i don't know yeah she runs a charity that helps women in need you know women in danger women whatever i mean i don't know i guess it's not an abuse charity or anything like that but i I can see that. Yeah, I thought there was nothing wrong.

She comes from a pretty upstanding family. Now, the fact that she's saying it while she's wearing a miniskirt and a bustier with her tits hanging out is a different thing. But I think it's fine. If she didn't want to go to a strip club, I think it's fine. She wasn't making everyone not go. She was very nice about it. And then it became like – what I loved is it became like a summit on feminism in the in the party bus as they go to the crazy horse whatever and to me it just was like the most ridiculous

thing of all time like she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to go yeah yeah and i love that nini is like the voice of reason about a good marriage like seriously nini you you married some rich guy you met in a strip club whatever whatever your bullshit story may be. And I love that she changes the story like, oh, he didn't even know I was a stripper. It was a total shock. Nini, come on now. First he thought you were a whore. He was surprised that you had a real job too.

Come on now. And I love that she's imparting wisdom to know cracked out white stripper girl like in the booth as if like and he's like the grand poobah like if you work hard you can wind up like me i wind up on an mbc sitcom like no it doesn't usually work out that way i'm sorry you're the exception to the rule this girl is gonna wind up 60 pounds overweight someday in a trailer outside of asuza yeah i did like what she said about marriage and that you know your partner should be accepting of who you want to be and if you want to what'd she say if you want to fly to the moon then your partner he don't have to agree with you but

he should say he should stand there and watch you fly to the damn moon or whatever she said i like that and i agree with it but you know that's pretty one-sided because greg doesn't get to fly to the moon he gets to he gets to like make sure you have everything you need your spaceship while you fly to the moon like listen what do you think his dream is i think his dream is to have a house a roof over his head and a little bit of spare change and so for him that is flying to the moon so he's got it he's got it right now and same for porsche she's living her dream she's got a big giant house she's married to a celebrity she's rich as hell yeah rumors are her husband's gay so she probably doesn't even have to fuck him with her prude ass yeah exactly

and sounds good to me you know it's like kenya said she gets to sit around watch tv all day and you know do nothing and so she won and And Kenya's saying it all smart-ass. But, you know, Kenya, we've seen your dream. And your dream is terrible. Okay? Your dream has no talent. Yeah. In case you haven't, if anyone hasn't seen Kenya's music video for Gone With The Wind Fabulous, you can attempt to watch it by any number of the links that are on our facebook page facebook.com

watch what crap happens which we forgot to plug at the top of the show but um it's it's awful i actually couldn't get through it i watched the opening there's like a vignette with her with with her and shangela shangela is supposed to be porsche and shangela like falls into a pool as as kenya swirls around like like the she apparently creates an air current with her swirling that sends shangela into a pool and then the video starts and it's just it's so awful i i could not continue i couldn't go through it all it was terrible maybe we should write a recap of that yeah we should that sounds like it is you know i think i think honestly that video we talked about the ring before that video is the ring like if i watch any more of it kenya was gonna crawl out of the tv and just kill me um yeah kenya's pretty pathetic we've also got her

one of her entire movies that she produced and starred in on our on our facebook page and it's disturbing it's a disturbing film it's terrible it's it's really really really really bad so to see kenya bragging about what a good actress she is and what a self-made woman she is it's it's really really really really bad so to see kenya bragging about what a good actress she is and what a self-made woman she is it's like bitch please yeah exactly it's also like nini you know getting back to what i'm talking about how nini acts like she's hugh hefner like they went to the jubilee uh stage show the showgirl show whatever in vegas and they went like backstage and he's like hey backstage actress is what happens when you're a Hollywood actress. You get backstage access.

I'm like, first of all, you're at the Jubilee show or the Flamingo or wherever it is. It's like, congratulations. Here's Circus Circus. Yeah. It's, like, not a big deal. Second of all, it was nothing that you did. Bravo did this for you. No, you did not call them up.

Third of all, we could call up right now and be like, hey, it's Ben and Ronnie from the Watch What Crappens podcast. Can we get a backstage tour and put on the podcast? I'd be like, sure. Try on the stole. We've got a flip cam. Will you let us in? Yes. Oh, my God.

Try on the jewel hat. Yeah, exactly. The coin hat or whatever it was. Yeah. No, exactly. So I'm seeing you. Yeah, me like, oh, well, look what I got for these girls because I'm a Hollywood actress. So I got them a party bus.

Your ass did not pay for a party bus. You would barely pay for a used Toyota for your son. You know, she's probably like, you know, now that I'm a Hollywood actress, I can get them anything they want. I can get them all the food they want. In fact, I set up a lunch where they can eat as much food as they want. All they have to do is spend $20. That's right, $20, and they can eat anything they want for how long they want. Special access.

I'm a VIP Hollywood access, so we only got 20 people in front of us in line for this buffet. Yeah. No one else gets to have a buffet, but how would actresses do? Yeah, NeNeNeNe. It's fun watching NeNe's head get bigger and bigger and bigger because when the sitcom gets canceled, I'm going to laugh my ass off just seeing how she's going to act next year. I will say, though, that is one smart hoe because she kept her job. She could have quit when she got a sitcom and she kept it and she was right to. She was right. I mean, she still cracks me up.

She's been more pleasant this year than the past season. Yeah, she's still as full of herself as she was, but she's much fun. She's much more fun about it. It's like someone who liked her told her, you know what? You're coming off as just a vile person, so at least be the fun Nini

while you're being a horrible person. Yeah, please. I wish Nini would grow her hair long again. Well, not grow, but get a long weave again. Because I liked her with long hair. I never liked her short hair. Just putting that out there. I'm just putting that out there. While we're putting our wishes out, I want Sheree back.

Yeah, I miss Sheree. I miss Sheree real bad. She's been Nini blocked from the show. I know. It's a shame. Shame by Sheree. I miss Sheree real bad. She's been nini blocked from the show. I know. It's a shame. Shame by Sheree. Now that's something I could get behind. Shame by Sheree. Yeah, it could be like the fake sobriety center for all the housewives to go to

and pretend to get sober. Just be shameful. How do you have a fashion show with no fashions? Just have Sheree shame them all and tell them what big fake toilet teeth they have. Yeah, exactly. So what else happened on this show? I think that's it, right?

Jack and his own strip gang. Oh, well, at the sex party. Oh, there was a fight. They were writing down sex questions for each other. Oh, it's going to be so funny. Kenya's question was, what if one of your friends who you thought really liked you betrayed you and then hurt your

feelings in public? And then they got into a fight which was one of these annoying fights that's very typical of Bravo being like, well, I hurt you, but you hurt me too. I want you to know that you hurt me too. Yeah, but you hurt me. No, but you hurt me too. I want you to know that you hurt me too. Yeah, but you hurt me.

No, but you hurt me. And if I'm going to apologize to you, I want you to apologize to me. Well, I'm not going to apologize to you unless you apologize to me. Well, you hurt me too. All right, well, you hurt me. And you're like watching this for like 10 minutes. Cynthia Bailey's giant wig is going to deflate in the time that this gets resolved. Well, that was over for the week.

When does this one end? How many episodes are we in? Do you know? It can't be much further because, you know, OC starts up on April 1st, which is a Monday, which means that Beverly Hills has to be wrapping up. Well, I guess I would think Beverly Hills will be wrapping up soon, but they have to do the reunions. I don't know.

I don't understand the time table. Well, Beverly Hills just had episode 17, and I think they're to do the reunions. I don't know. I don't understand. Beverly Hills just had episode 17 and I think they're going to 20 or 21 and then plus they're going to have, you know, they're going to have three reunions. Plus on top of that, they have to Beverly Hills starts to have to broach the Paul and Adrian divorcing thing, which it looks like it's about to start to

happen. Thank God. Yeah, it looks like that's coming next week finally. So we probably have maybe they'll do like OC and Beverly Hills on the same night? I don't know. I'm guessing we have four more episodes of...

Of each, probably, because they started the same week. Oh, they did? Yeah, they're the same week. They premiered the same week in November. Well, they haven't announced

what the other Housewives show that's coming is. Are they using that Married to Medicine or whatever the hell that is? I think Married to Medicine is going to try to be like an Atlanta replacement. Oh, no. They're like, well, it's black people,

so just put any show with black people on. That's pretty much what it is. That's pretty much what it is. And then we have Orange County. And then I imagine New York and New Jersey will come back at the same time. I think Jersey will be back first because there's been all sorts of gossip stuff about shooting.

Like What's Her Buns the Stripper, the prostitution whore is back on. She's been shooting with them. And so there's going to be a lot of fun jerseys. Danielle Staub made an appearance on the first episode of Celebrity Apprentice. I didn't watch the second episode yet, but she popped up for a second. They said she donated like five thousand dollars where the hell did she get five thousand dollars wasn't that bitch like stripping it at uh what's that place scores i think it was monopoly money i think that's what it was covered and covered in juice

yeah it was all in ones and covered in juice. No thanks. Meanwhile, she's giving $5,000 while her poor little girl is sitting there with a guitar singing like, My sister's the best. In like a crumbling shed. Because that's where they live now. She's sleeping on the mattress on the floor that Sheree's son. I know. They've roomed in together. Now that's a come out and watch.

Sheree and Danielle having to move in together. Oh my god. All the rejected housewives in one house battling it out for a spot on a new show. Oh my god. I just came up with it, you guys. I'm rich. All the housewives who get fired from the show battling for a spot on a new – as the new housewife on one of these shows.

Oh, I like that. I like it too. It's like last last chance kitchen last chance living room last chance bitches yeah last chance bitches oh i would totally be down to watch that i would totally see that um so we're done here yeah we're done yeah i got nothing left to say we're just i have nothing done i'm done we're done here we're done here commoners literally done literally like finished and done and i invited you to this beach my beach this is my beach and if you're gonna mention that girl's name that's like so disrespectful like ronnie have some class like have some class

like seriously class literally look into it literally class like do you know what it is like literally look it up in the literal dictionary look it don't look it up in a figurative or symbolic dictionary look it up in a literal dictionary and you're gonna see that class literally means saucy oh guys you know who loves you we do we do love you so much you can find me at tvgasm you can find ben at b-side blog you can find us on facebook and matt uh no screw him he's not here just kidding matt you can find matt at life on the m list you can find our facebook page at facebook.com slash watch what crappens or on twitter at what crappens i write recaps of rehouse real housewives of Beverly Hills. And I do redubs of the coming next week episodes.

I put those on our Facebook page. Ben does really good photo caps of the shows. We post those on our Facebook page. So come by y'all read us to listen to us. Read us, watch us, live us, see you next time.

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