Watch What Crappens - #82: Below Dreck and Poo Stirring With Lauri!

Episode Date: July 4, 2013

This week on Watch What Crappens, Matt Whitfield (Yahoo) and Ronnie Karam (TrashTalkTV) are joined by the incomparable Lisa Timmons (Banter With Ben and Lisa Podcast) to mock all things Bravo. We begin with the poo stirring Lauri on Real Housewives of Orange County before moving on to the violent family love of Real Housewives of New Jersey, the useless intervention on Princesses: Long Island, and Bravo's new travesty, Below Deck. Come on in! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. All the women, who is defending, throw your hands up at me. All the hundreds, who's making money, throw your hands up at me. All the mommas, who's dropping dollars, throw your hands up at me. All the ladies, who's truly feeling, throw your hands up at me. Hey everybody, welcome to Watch What Crafts. It's a podcast about all the craft we love to talk about on Bravo.

I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, and I'm with Matt Whitfield of Yahoo. Hello, Matt. Hey, Ronnie. And today we have our good friend and fill-in special guest host, Ms. Lisa Timmons of Banter with Ben and Lisa. Hello, Lisa. Hi, guys. Great to be here. Thank you so much for joining us. Ben is in Hawaii right now taking a lot of underwater selfies.

He's really up to the bar, and I feel like this weekend, with enough alcohol in my system for the Fourth of July, I'm going to have to have a topless selfie to compete with Ben. Oh, my God. You guys, do it. If you guys both put topless selfies, I will do you the favor of not putting a topless selfie. Will you caption us like you do some other amazing Instagram photos this past week? Yes. Oh, my God. Now I'm obsessed with Instagram.

Every time we do this show, I'm obsessed with a new social media thing. I know. Vine. Instagram. Yeah. I'm like an old person. Instagram has been off the hook. The Despicable Me, Matt brought up that one.

That one really made me laugh out loud. Oh, nice. Yeah, Tamara. They were advertising Despicable Me under Tamara's picture. So they make it too easy. Yeah, they're doing the work for us. Come on. Totally.

But you can find my Instagram pictures. I'm usually doing them during these Bravo shows as they go and Big Brother and then making just gossip videos and stuff. So that is Trash Talk TV on Instagram or you can find my site, TrashTalkTV.com Matt Whitfield is at Life on the M List pretty much across the board on Twitter, on

Instagram, on Vine I think even. And Lisa you can find at Timmons Lisa or you can find her on her and Ben's Facebook page for their podcast, Banter with Ben and Lisa, Facebook.com slash Banter with Ben and Lisa. Okay, everybody. I'm not going to lie.

The last episode of Banter with Ben and Lisa was kind of amazing. I wonder why. Oh, your little guest star, Matt Whitfield. Special ingredients have been added lately with some very special guest stars for very special episodes. Yeah. I did not like that I blatantly said on this podcast that I was offended that I wasn't invited to that podcast and still didn't get invited. Like, come on.

What do I have to do? We're all such whores. We're all just sleeping around with each other's podcasts. We're really just doing the same podcast podcast but we keep naming it different things it's just our different phone calls recorded so what about these bravo shows yeah let's start with real housewives of orange county um just because that's always the one that's the freshest in my mind i think because it's making me laugh the most this season yeah it's i have to say there's new jersey is so snoozing snooze fest that this is the only one i'm

paying attention to although i have to say um i'm really i don't understand how they're keeping this alexis storyline alive it's so boring um you realize that her ass is getting fired after this season i think they've already made allusions to that on social media but alexis is a goner alexis is a goner it's very obvious i love that everyone's making nice with her and she think it looks like she thinks like yay everything's gonna be great now it's just everyone kind of making their peace with her leaving yeah exactly right it's really like a sad goodbye but but she doesn't realize it, but they all know exactly what's happening. Yeah, she's like, everybody brought me cupcakes today at taping, and I just don't know why, but I'm certainly thankful for it. Thank you, Jesus.

Yeah, that puppy thinks it's going to go live on a farm. Make my fan quieter, and it almost chopped off my finger be careful just like Kira Sedgwick who cut off the tip of her finger earlier this week really? yeah she did this is the important shit I do at my office

every day I hear things like Kira Sedgwick cut off her finger and I need to report on it breaking news at Yahoo Entertainment. Saving lives and tips of fingers. Yeah, so the Alexis thing is pretty sad. And especially because she's actually giving some decent lines. Like this week she did the whole, I wish Bridget would eat her own makeup so she could be pretty on the inside again. And while she was saying that, I think I could be wrong,

but wasn't she wearing a pink leather top? A giant bedazzled crucifix. And by leather, you mean pleather, yes. Exactly. Let's be real. Vinyl, vinyl.

Rented. Poor Alexis. I'm so, Lori has been a dream. She is ready to play ball. Her son is out of rehab, so now she can get back on the housewives without having to be distracted. I love it.

Yeah, Lori has basically brought a whole lot more life to this show. This whole episode was about Tamara going to the bridal shop to try on dresses, which, you know what? It's your third time. Wear a pair of khakis and a white polo shirt and have no gifts on your invitations and give people twinkies. You know her family is one of those fucked up families that puts everybody in

a white turtleneck or polo and khakis and makes them pose on a sand dune. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone's pointed in the same direction. Yeah, and then they rent a golden retrie Everyone's pointed in the same direction. Yeah, her fucking, and then they like rent and they rent like a golden retriever to sit in the front. Her 50-year-old son. I hate those fucking

families. Well, I don't know if you caught this. This is the first time I caught this where she made a big deal about going to the bridal store because she said that the other two weddings she was wearing maternity clothes, a maternity dress. Yeah, that was pretty hilarious. This is her first non-

shotgun wedding. And the only reason she's not pregnant right now is because those things don't work. Those ovaries don't work anymore. And because Eddie's wiener also prefers man butt. Well, I wrote down a quote from the very top of the episode.

She writes, you could pass as a gay man in a split second. Oh, yeah. That was pretty amazing. And she's talking about based on the quote unquote dancing. Yeah. And then they cut to the dancing and it's the gayest dancing I've ever seen. I mean, he might as well have had a penis inside of his buttuzy while he was dancing. He may have, for all we know.

For all we know, he was definitely rocking a butt plug. Yeah. For all we know, Tamara has a gay man's ass. Can't get pregnant from behind y'all. Can't get pregnant from behind. No ass babies here. Did you just say no ass babies here?

Yes. And if you'd like to make that a bumper sticker, I would not be opposed. Happy 4th of, y'all. So I love all of this committing to just overthrowing Gretchen. I think that that's hilarious. And no one has picked up that Tamara does this every season to somebody, and they're just all going along with it like it's something completely new.

Every year she makes up with somebody, and every year she throws them under the bus, like throws the last one under the bus and starts all over again. And this year it's Gretchen. And I really feel bad for Gretchen because I remember that scene where she got her little friendship bracelet and she was so shocked. And then she really committed to this whole Tamra thing. She got rid of Alexis. I mean, she really got on board and now she's just on her way out. Oh, it's, it's really funny and i feel like the producers just tell tamra who to love and who to hate in a season and tamra's like all right let the games begin she essentially admitted that when she was on watch what happens earlier this season

and she was like well look andy pays me a lot of money so i pretty much act like an evil bitch if that's what they want me to do which means means, again, whatever they want, they tell Tamara she makes it happen. I mean, she actually takes notes, surprisingly. You know, I think if Vicky is the OG housewife, but she's kind of the queen, but Tamara's the president. Because Tamara actually pulls all the fucking strings she pulls vicky i mean she really does she's a good puppet master the queen doesn't do anything but sit there and get laughed at and not know why oh my god it's like she and she cannot say that nobody tried to warn her about brooks like literally from the minute he showed up

everyone's like he's terrible news he's gonna take your money he's terrible news he's gonna take your money and she's like guys guess what i just like, he's terrible news. He's going to take your money. He's terrible news. He's going to take your money. And she's like, guys, guess what? I just found out he's terrible news and he's trying to take my money. You're like, yeah, no shit. Well, we're not even there yet. I mean, that came out in the news this week. So maybe that's coming up in the episodes.

But for now, she's still sticking up for Brooks, which is hilarious. So at the bridal store, Lori, who knows what it's like to be off of tv yeah she knows what it's like to get fired from tv and have to live without cameras for a while are you suggesting that she's trying to make a full-on play to become a full season member next season oh hell yes oh my god of course i would love that it would it would give orange county new life because i'm so alexis is so boring the only time i want to see alexis is in confessional um where she's trying to speak like a grown-up or in acting classes yes like when they or as a news reporter yes when they give alexis real things like you're

a news reporter you're an actress you know you're i think she should try and be a televangelist honestly she would be really good at it She would be really good at it. She would be really good at it. Talk about a topless selfie. Yeah, she needs to be on the 700 Club. They love that shit. Oh, my God. Speaking of acting, how hilarious is Heather with her little getting cast in another role?

To me, she's turning into the Tobias Fyunke, inmate number two of the season. Okay, are we going to just talk about her before we get into this bridal shower thing? Because I fucking hate Heather. Heather is very, she's another one who's getting really boring on me. Well, she's always been boring. I'm getting boring. Thank you, Ronnie. She's always been boring.

And she sets it up every week by saying in her opening line, like, oh, well, if you think blondes are blah blah, you know, it's just like, oh my god. If you think blondes have more fun, you obviously don't know me. You've obviously never been closet organizing with me. Opening your eyes really wide does not make you fun. It makes you creepy. Stop it. Stop doing that fucking gerbil face.

At least she used to start fights, though. Now it's just like, ugh, boring. Yeah, she really has nothing going on. And she tried to have a storyline which was fighting with her husband, which I'm sorry, but nobody cares. Please stop it. And nobody's going to take her side in that fight. Nobody.

Nobody's going to take it. Your husband was the star of The Swan, one of the most disgusting reality shows ever. I can never respect you or your husband, so just fucking stop it. You're gross. You're both both gross he was also the plastic surgeon on bridalplasty which by the way was a terrible show that i watched from start to end wait so am i right that he was um on the swan or am i getting no you're absolutely right the swan built that mansion.

That's swan's blood. That is swan's blood. That is a bunch of fat, homely lady blood all over that mansion. Oh, oh, I have a note that I wrote down at some point. Who taught Gretchen the word philandering? Oh, my God. It sounds like a new dish at the fucking Long John Silver's. All you can eat Flandering. It's Flandering Fridays.

Filet of Flandering. Exactly. She's Flandering around. Oh, God. But, yeah, my prediction is Lori's definitely coming back. Lydia is a great little pot stirrer because she has no problem being like, hey, we're at the bridal store,

so let's all just have a little airing of our dirty sponsors. She throws grenades in the middle of tea time. Yes. She's earning that check for sure. She is. So Lori, they all get to the bridal store tamra's trying on the most awkward dresses ever because a lot of them are like um frontless you know they're those ones that just like attach to your nipple yeah they're they're called plunging

meaning they're called i want to show my boobies yeah you just don't just don't like let's just you know get a good water bra and let's just go with that your face is still working let's just stick with what we got you know and this is a marriage well she okay here's the thing it is a third marriage but i gotta say she looks kind of good no she looks good but it's i hate her but she looks good. No, I agree. I feel like her makeup is good. Which is how I feel about all of West Hollywood. It's a real love-hate thing. Emphasis on hate. Self-hate.

Yep. Love to hate you naked. Mean it. She looks good for the most... I mean, everything looks good. I just don't want any concentration on the boob area. It just doesn't look right. I don't know.

Those things just didn't bounce right. I feel terrible making fun of a woman's boobs because I feel like Slade. But just put them away is what I'm saying. No. You know what? The thing is if they were real, I don't think we would be putting quite so much criticism on it. But did you guys – I read this article. Well, I'll be honest. I read the National Enirer the other day i think it was either the touch

my sister just had a baby so i brought her trashy magazines and that new anna nicole smith made for tv movie the little actress was talking about how she has actually very small chested and had to wear this prosthesis to make it look like she had giant boobs. That's what I feel like Tamara's cleavage looks like. She's wearing a breast prosthetic. Yes, it looks like a breast prosthetic. Why are you trying to make a gay guy say that word? Blandering. It's my speech impediment.

So she's wearing a breast prosthetic that she left in the backseat of the car in the summer. Yeah. It just doesn't look right. I mean, you can't go from real boobs to fake boobs. Wait. Real boobs to fake boobs back to real boobs. Just stick with it. Once you've gone fake, keep them fake.

Don't go back. It's like reversing a vasectomy. Don't go back. Just pick one. Yes, Slade. Yes, that goes for you, Slade. Gross. Keep your sperm hidden.

It's disgusting. Disgusting man. He's the worst. Yeah, keep your little sperm babies dead. I don't like any of that coming out of you. Okay, did anything happen before we got to the bridal shop except for Heather saying the word champs at least 87 times? Oh my God.

No. That really was pretty slow. Was this where Heather talked about being on tv heather literally the only conversation that heather and tamra had was about stump or about stomachs oh no that was tamra and eddie having their really boring lunch where she just talked about a conversation she had with heather their stomachs. Oh, where he surprised her with takeout from Daphne's Greek Cafe? Yeah, no shit. I make fun of them, but I was

so jealous because I fucking love some Daphne's Greek Cafe. Oh, did you notice I noticed she had a wine goblet where she was drinking with a giant bedazzled pink breast cancer awareness ribbon on the side of it.

This breast cancer awareness tastes delicious. It does, though. So all the girls get in a limo. It's kind of boring. Lori is there to stir some shit, but she's not really going yet. We have to talk about this for one second because Lori has been talking mad shit behind Vicky's back for the past like three weeks on this show where she's telling Gretchen about Vicky's one-night stands and threesomes and vagina hurling and Cabo and all this kind of stuff.

And then like she shows up with Vicky to get in the limo like they're buddies. Like clearly she – this is why I love Lori. She talks mad shit behind her back yeah she talks mad shit behind her back but then she also has no problem saying it to her face in a really awkward time and um she dragged that shit out i love that she would have come out and say it like i remember at one point vicky just blurted out, she was with him sexually? Like, goddammit, did he fuck her? What the hell?

Just tell me. Spill it. Just spill it. Lori was torturing her. No, she wasn't with him in that way, per se, but they had breakfast. She kept talking about how they had breakfast. That's going to be my new thing. If people ask me if I've gone out

with a dude or spent the night somewhere, I'm just going to say, we had breakfast. And that should just suffice. Just leave it at that. We had breakfast. If somebody buys me some vegetarian sausage the next morning, you know it was a good night. Well, Lori's

daughter released a statement this week saying you know you people are too obsessed with reality tv you need to get over yourselves it's all fake and scripted and my mother i don't know what she was talking about she wasn't talking about me i do not know anybody in the adult entertainment industry leave us alone yeah i love that mom was like outing her daughter and her daughter's friend. I love that Lori's just so comfortable. I mean, the Orange County, this is how trashy that place is. Lori's just so comfortable being like, my daughter's friend is a

whore. And they were hanging out at my house, partying, drinking out of my liquor cabinet, and sucking books off for hundreds of dollars while he made it rain. It's like, what the hell kind of house are you running, lady? Well, keep in mind,

Laurie is the same woman who the last time we saw her as a series regular, she was looking at her youngest daughter saying, basically, she's my last hope for a child I could truly love. Remember that? Actually, I think that was verbatim. That might be a direct quote.

Watching her on the horse, she's like, well, I really fucked up with these other two. Oh, my God. I was watching this movie with Nicole Kidman the other day, and I don't want to tell you guys what it was, so it's not spoiled, because I'm going to tell you a part that happens towards the end. But Nicole Kidman tells her daughter,

you know, when people have kids, and this is obviously not a quote, but she basically says, you know, when you have kids, you do it because you're kind of giving up on life and life is beating you down so much that you think, gee, maybe I'll make somebody else who actually has a chance to do something at life. And then you have them and then they just suck too basically was this like what movie are we talking about it's like this explains so much of my mother-son relationship what movie i need to rent this immediately it sounds amazing it's called uh stoker oh my god are you kidding that gothic piece of trash from earlier this year yeah it's really good it's terrible i saw it it was really i mean it was entertaining i watched it at like three in the morning a little bit stoned but it was good i mean it was free i watched it on the jailbroken apple tv so i was

like you know i shouldn't you know throw stones i watched um in the middle of the night this week hallie berry in the call i saw on your Facebook. Where she is wearing a wig and a Time Life receptionist headset trying to save Abigail Breslin from being trapped in a trunk of a car. It is pure comic gold. I like that you tweeted, give back your Oscar.

That was funny. Well, I remember her, when she won the Razzies for Catwoman, she made this whole speech about how, I want to thank my agent. I want to thank this. Hey, so who are you going to blame now? Because you haven't stopped making shitty movies for a long time, lady. She should blame that Olivier Martinez who's given her some little French dick and messing up her marriage with Gabrielle Aubrey, who is Trey Ha.

Girl, isn't she trying to sue? Isn't she one of the people trying to get a law passed against paparazzi? Shut up. Shut up. Just shut up over there. Shut up and do terrible movies. She's going to be begging the paps to follow her soon. I know, after the call.

By the way, do you know who, I think, what production company or who produced that movie? No. It's a WWE films. Hey, love me some. You're actually correct about that. I know. It was their first movie not starring John Cena. It should have been.

I would watch a movie about Halle Berry being a 911 operator having to rescue John Cena from a trunk. Okay, that's amazing. Well, no matter how terrible Halle Berry can be, she's always going to be better than Heather Dubrow. I love that Heather brings up her new show. People are actually calling her because she's a good actress. Someone just happened to be flipping around the internet and thought, you know what? that jenny mccarthy i'm gonna see if she was ever in anything and download it and watch it watch the two episodes of it and i'm gonna find that like awkward woodish girl who disappeared yeah who's available and will work for scale

she's basically called to play housewives in every sitcom. They're like, we need a trashy housewife. Let's ask everyone who's ever been a housewife if they'll do it basically for scale. And everyone says no. She can't wait to get away from her children. I mean, come on. Yeah, I don't care for that. Bless them.

These ladies. Okay, let's get our asses to the bridal shop because that's when it gets juicy and that's all that really matters. Well, actually, before that we had Tamara wearing her gigantic wedding ring from Jeff into the limo. Oh, you mean Gretchen? Gretchen, yes. What did I say, Tamara? Tamara. So what's the deal with that? I kind of missed that part. Did she speak to that? Did she explain why she's wearing it? Is this supposed to be her de facto

wedding ring from slade oh god maybe you know she wouldn't have said it was from jeff she would have like she would have like scratched off jeff jeff plus gretchen on the back and like rebranded it with a sticker that says slade or something whatever she'd be like slade we're shaming your name to jeff it's a lot cheaper after all that after you fucking leasing that new car for me asshole thanks for that oh that was hilarious when they're riding in the limo and they tell vicky about the bentley and she's like oh put it they rent it for two days vicky is on fire okay i vicky drives me bonkers but when vicky goes after gretchen nothing makes me happier in this world oh it's pretty funny it's like boxing with an armless child you can't do that just leave her alone just leave her in the corner and hope that she can

catch it in her mouth tamra would box tamra would easily box an armless child i don't put it yeah it's true at cut fitness it's one of the it's actually one of the new classes at cut fitness boxing armless children awesome are you are you smoking anything over there sir no but i ever since i quit smoking i never got rid of my smoker's cough. I still cough. I still breathe hard when I walk around the block. Nothing really changed except now I don't get cigarettes. So to whoever out there is considering quitting smoking, don't do it. Just keep smoking. It's a waste of time.

You stay thinner. You're hungry less. You smell better. Just keep smoking. You hear that, kids? You hear that? And by the way, if any children are listening to this podcast, you are a terrible parent driving your minivan right now. I hope your children are

wearing headphones in the backseat. No, you're thinking of it the wrong way. I think we should say, parents, congratulations on accepting your gay child. Yeah, no kidding. My parents have really come a long way. Okay, so yeah, let's go to the bridal shop so they're in the bridal shop

and lori just starts dropping dropping shit shit bombs all over the place i mean how staged was this whole thing it's like hammer is like well i'm going to take some dresses into the dressing room so that you girls can gab go you know it's like oh lord but but then I'll pull in Alexis with her bizarre fur stole that she doesn't need and kind of looks weird for that time. And it's in fucking California. Anywho. Sidebar. I love how they were like very quickly like, hey, Alexis. Or no, hey, Tamara.

This is Alexis. I just wanted to thank you for sticking up for me blah de blah blah blah and oh I just Alexis going I'm so glad that Tamara and I are good friends now poor Alexis she really is a lamb being led to the slaughter

here's the thing she actually believes it and then they cut to Tamara and you're just like oh my god she's reading a cue card exactly I love whenra i don't remember what part in the episode this is so sorry if i'm going out of order but i love when tamra was turning everybody against gretchen calling her a big fat liar or whatever when she goes you guys i've really opened up to gretchen do you know how hard that is for me and then it cuts to tamra going 21 is when i first tried to kill myself and i just thought to myself tamra you're not doing someone a favor by sitting them

down and crying about trying to kill yourself when you were like should have been in college or whatever exactly like stop acting like she's like i gave her the gift of telling her about my suicide attempt when i was in college first of of all, no, you didn't. You tried to kill yourself because you were too busy trying to run people over with your car. I bet she drove, I'm just going to take a guess here,

I bet she drove a teal Chrysler LeBaron convertible. That would have been some sexy shit. She was a sexy lady back then. I bet that's Eddie's dream car. Well, I can't remember, was it this episode or another episode where Tamara basically was like Eddie and I get along really well because we don't talk about feelings she says that

every episode and then they always cut to her mom like in a corner crying wearing like a gold pantsuit I'd be crying if I was trapped in a gold pantsuit in the corner i don't know they're just like i try i get that camera's trying to like rehabilitate herself with made-up stories from the past i get it like we've all been there but i just feel like they need to be worse like if you're going to give yourself something like a horrible past, you need to have been like a child hooker.

You need to have been like beat by your stepdad. You need to like – like you need some – like you need to – maybe a terrorist was trying to get you in training camp and brainwashed. Like something big. But saying like my mom didn't hug me. Maybe Halle Berry needed to rescue you from the trunk of a car. Yeah, exactly. But just saying like my mom – That's the real price.

You know, my mom was distant. And so I was sad my whole life you know what your mom was probably distant because you were a little bitch okay she was probably wondering what the hell she did with herself so that's not a trauma anyway come up with something better all you have to do is watch one episode of chop to come up with a decent story i know it's like you're white yeah she was fucking distant yeah of course yes look at new jersey they have the opposite everybody's fucking got problems you know what that reminds me of was i don't know if you guys saw this this is a real a real crazy blast from the past but on the tyra banks show when when the whole rihanna and chris brown broke, I remember Tyra was like doing an episode where she's like her big reveal was that she had been mildly verbally abused by a boyfriend for like a very brief period of time.

And that was her big bombshell. How many times does she have to emphasize that it was mild and for a very brief period of time, meaning maybe a text message? Exactly. She gave this whole story about she was looking in the mirror and crying and just saying, what is wrong with me? It's because she probably like, you know, this happens all the time. I read instant messages wrong all the time. And I'm like, that was really curt. But then I'm going to take it to the level of actually that was that was abusive

because I didn't understand that you did not put an emoji at the end it's like Tamara's confession to Gretchen is like I once received a text message that could have been interpreted as Kurt as it turned out it was from somebody named Kurt.

So stupid. I love it. Guys, can we all make a date when I get back to Los Angeles and Cut Fitness finally opens that we are going to go to the trampoline park to Cut Fitness. Oh, we're 100%. To Cielo Wineries. Yes, please. Which, by the way, I don't know if you guys know, there's a new show, or I don't know if it's new or not, a reality show called Pregnant and Dating.

Oh, so bad. And I recognized the daughter from the Cielo Winery, and it was at the Cielo Winery. So Cielo Winery is a reality show whore. Which clearly means we now have to go there. We're going to order some wine by wives, get in an Uber, and just take a long weekend and just do it all. And then podcast, like immediately. And podcast while we are Ubering. a long weekend and just do it all and then podcast like immediately podcast while we are ubering yes just while we do it we'll just record it on our phone and post it it's not like anyone's used to any better quality than that anyway on these podcasts

i'm doing this from the shower today um if we can be honest i'm actually on my phone right now so are you yeah i get better reception than if i try to use my laptop oh my god that's such a good idea i could be getting things done right now i could be exercising i could be making an effort in my life to do to better myself yeah you could be working through all those issues since you got that curt text message what did i do you sound a little bit like mama elsa there i'm just letting you know um so what's else happened so yeah basically uh laurie was dropping shit bombs all over the place and we got to see vicky have one of her first hissy fits of the season which was awesome after finding out that brooks has been sleeping with a 20 year old hooker yeah the the brooks her finally getting understanding the the true nature of brooks is my

my favorite part of this season i think why did it have to take one of her um you know arch nemeses laurie to get that through to her her own daughter and son have been saying it for the past year and a half well i don't even know if it got through to her yet because she was saying, well, you know, in his defense, we were dating other people. You know, we weren't exclusive at that point. It's like, Vicky, it's not neat. Let's take the cheating on you part out of it for a second. 20-year-old hooker making it rain on a 24-year-old hooker

or a 20-year-old hooker at Lori's house. Stop it. Okay, I have a question. I'm a sidebar here. But do straight men really make it rain on a 24-year-old hooker or a 20-year-old hooker at Lori's house. Stop it. Okay, I have a question. I'm a sidebar here, but do straight men really make it rain onto girls? I have no idea. Clearly, if I'm fucking podcasting from my phone, I have not figured that one out. You know, look, this is why I don't completely believe Lori. Obviously, Lori just wants to get back on the show.

And B, Brooks is not giving hundreds to anybody. Brooks doesn't have hundreds. Here's the thing. Vicky was crying. It was Monopoly money. It was bright yellow. Vicky was not crying because he was sleeping with younger women. Vicky was crying because he was using her own money to pay

for younger women. Vicky cares more about that money than anything else and you all know it. Don't mess with my family and don't mess with my money. But really let's reverse that. Oh my god. Kota Takaza has a new line

of insurance. Hooker insurance. Hooker insurance by wives. The guy who's writing the new stories on Trash Talk wants to have racism insurance. All these people are being taken down because of racism. It's like 10 people within a week have been just completely, utterly taken down because of racism.

He's like, we should start big at insurance and just get everybody to, just in case you lose your career for saying the N-word or something. Saying the N-word when you were a Girl Scout or something. It's like, you guys will be the new Lloyds of London. Okay, so let's see. What else happened vicky cried is it horrible that when vicky's standing there sobbing first of all all i could think of she's holding her nose so that it doesn't fall off like she literally was holding her finger under her nose to make sure that snot wasn't going everywhere because she can no no no i was gonna say she wasn't trying to even plug the snot. It was really like this is falling off. It is sliding down.

Well, it started off with they're at a bridal store. Vicky was already kind of talking shit in her confessional about... Uh-oh. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself.

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You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey and I'm Consciously what do most people think about when they hear the words Black History Rosa Parks Reconstruction MLK February Black History Month exactly exactly there are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Did this end?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Okay, we're back. Sorry about that. We got cut off probably because Matthew is looking at porn while we're doing the podcast. Close your browsers, everybody. I'm actually, I'm at work, so I can't look at porn at work as much as I desperately want to.

I am just uploading an Instagram photo selfie of myself complaining that Ben has gone taking underwater selfies in Hawaii so we are so lucky to have Lisa joining us this week on the podcast. Aww, how sweet.

Flash me. It's like the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. So where were we? What were we talking about? We were laughing at Miss Vicky. Here's what I love about Vicky and this bridal situation. First, she, to, I hate to quote Gretchen, but she's such a fucking hypocrite. That's why I love her.

She starts off in her confessional talking shit about how Tamara's going bridal dress shopping for her third wedding and kind of poo-pooing it. The next thing out of her mouth is someone saying, oh, do you think you'd get married again? And she was like, absolutely, which would be her third wedding. which would be her third wedding did y'all see what she was wearing because that was hypocritical against her body shape because nobody should be wearing leather pants with a muffin top of that size

well I was too busy being distracted by the fact that her hair always looks like someone purposely fucks it up it really does it's just like you know what she's very extravagant except with conditioner she puts her foot down when it comes to condition she's like i'll be saving i'll be saving some nickels white rain is as good as pantene don't let anybody tell you different i

think it's that she's standing in front of the mirror trying to make her face look less crazy because i mean it looks crazy to us and we have the benefit of being a few feet away from it. But, you know, like when you're standing right in front of the mirror, like I think she's trying to cover certain parts of her face. Yeah. Like the front. The front. Like all of it. Like the front and both profiles and, yes, all of it.

So I Googled Alexis Bellino because I was thinking was thinking oh maybe i'll put her on the you know cover of the podcast or whatever this week okay this is alexis bolino maxim is the first thing like her big donkey booty which i forgot all about and then it says alexis bolino before and it shows her before plastic surgery which is she really ruined herself. Oh, I know. And then it says butt, and there's like a ton of pictures of her butt. Thank you. Thank you, Google. Thank you for everything that you've added to the world. You've added a lot.

So thank you. I know. It's a better place now. Okay, so what else happened on this? So after the dress shopping thing vicky had a breakdown blah blah blah she still didn't get mad at laurie which laurie seemed totally perplexed by because vicky's crying and then laurie comes up and she's like vicky i'm sorry i didn't mean to bring it up vicky's like no no i'm not mad at you i'm not mad she's like no seriously that whole

thing about your boyfriend sleeping with a teenage hooker. No, I'm not mad at you. But, you know, but your boyfriend, how he slept with that hooker. Right. But then Vicky snaps and goes, but tell me her name. And then you see they're like in that front little section where they like dress the mannequins, you know, like in the window display. And then you see you clearly see Laurie whispered whispered the hookers name into vicky's ear it's just it was so fucked up the entire thing yet you know everything that gretchen and tamra uh do on this show just seems so fake but vicky is such a disaster that it just feels so real to me it's so painfully real yeah you know i do believe that a lot of it is scripted in a way like i believe that they say

okay listen everybody we're this week we're shooting tuesday and wednesday and on wednesday we're going to be going to this bridal shop in la so that's your shooting day i mean obviously that's that part's scripted but vicky really does look genuinely shocked every time she's fucked like every she's not calculating like i have. I feel like there's two types of housewives on there. The ones who are calculating and manipulative enough to play ball, which is Tamara, and then the ones who they know can't help

but just overreact and be completely reactionary, which is Vicky. Yeah, totally. That's so true. So 100%. She is like one of those windsock guys at the car dealership where the minute she just kind of, whatever somebody throws at her, she just flaps in the breeze and reacts to it. She can't help it.

Like she can't help not saying exactly what's going through her mind at any given point in time. Right. going through her mind at any given point in time. Right, and that's why in every single episode she shrieks like a zebra being eaten by a crocodile. Hilarious. Exactly. She really does, every freaking time. And this time I thought, oh my God, Vicky's not yelling.

I thought she was going to be ripping Lori a new one, and she's not, and she's not. And then we see the clips for next week. Oh my God, I cannot wait. I love that Tamara, no matter how hard tamra says that she's trying to be a better person she just can't do it she's like hey vix just so you know on the top of this hill like i don't want to ruin a vacation but lori told gretchen that you were like she and it's gonna go down and it's always like right before vicky has to do something where

she should be very serene no right it's like vicky i know you're about to perform surgery on somebody and remove a brain tumor but i have to tell you brooks showed me his penis okay i'll see you in about a couple hours good luck with with that. Good luck. Well, all the swinger stuff is really hilarious to me because I remember – because it's hard to think of Vicky like that for me. But I remember being a kid and finding porn in my friend's dad's closet, and we were looking through it. And they used to have, like, this back section in the old porno magazines for, like, swingers. It was, like, ads for swingers.

Okay, look. Here's my theory about infomercials and ads in the old porno magazines for like swingers it was like ads for swingers okay look here's my theory about infomercials and ads in the back of dirty magazines they wouldn't exist if people didn't fucking call those numbers well the thing is they weren't like ads like a commercial like hey swingers it was like wanted ads it was like you know misconnection yes it was like that but like in

on actual paper because you know it was back in the old days, kids. So does one of them say like, hey, I saw you wearing a cowboy hat and drinking a Corona Light out of a koozie on a pontoon in Lake Havasu. You caught my eye with your saggy ass hanging out of your bikini bottom. Give me a ring, hottie. Like, what was it? No, they say like, me and Martha like each other but we like you too and then it's like a picture of like some fat guy with a mustache and hair coming out of his ears and like his wife with her boobs hitting her

knees and like freckles all over her neck you know like they really look like the cast of Texas Chainsaw Massacre I feel like the tagline for the whole swingers movement is swingers it's never who you hope like if i wanted to fuck two butt ugly people i could easily do that but thanks guys swingers because just one person can't keep you hard yeah swingers because being disappointed by one person isn't keep you hard. Yeah, swingers, because being disappointed by one person isn't bad enough. Yeah, there is something to be said for just multiplying the ugly. It's not like math where two wrongs

don't make a right. I guess maybe it helps. It's like the more homely you have around, it's like maybe you could just maybe I can just stay hard the next five minutes because it's a different kind of ugly i'm sticking it into a whole new world i do feel like that i do get that creepy feeling that i got seeing those ads as i do seeing vicky and like thinking about swingerism but i do think that you know it so much more makes sense now like when they were in the airport last year and tamra started freaking out on vicky because she was flirting with eddie and eddie was flirting back don't you remember how

bizarre that was like i'm so sure that vicky's gonna have sex with eddie but now i think oh my god tamra knows that vicky really is trying to have sex with eddie and probably her too everybody everybody yeah this season has like come to a whole new level and like all that stuff when she was like, oh, you remember what you did in Cabo? I was like, oh, no, girl. I hope we find out everything. I think we will because Lori is not holding back. She's not holding back. And she is very confident that the shit that Vicky has on her ain't nothing compared to what she got on Vicky.

Mm-hmm. Exactly. Yeah, but she's also learned that you don't really need any kind of proof. You just can say whatever you want, and they'll put it on TV. Right, if you say it with conviction and a fresh coat of lipstick, it will fly.

Not only that, but Vicky is the worst goddamn poker player in the world. Oh my gosh, she really is bad. Okay, so we've done a lot with these crazies so let's move on to uh new jersey no no i have to bring up one final thing i'm sorry to like backtrack here but one of the things that came up at the very end of the episode also and maybe i've spaced out and maybe you already discussed this when i wasn't paying attention but what about the whole thing where Gretchen had to leave early because she was going to tape an episode of TV that she completely lied about? I forgot.

Okay, wait. What was that? Because I thought she said First of all, she's in her. No, go ahead. I thought she only designed handbags. I didn't also know that she was an actress. Well, here's the thing. She would have had a better excuse to have been like, guys, I have to hurry

real quick to quick to paris because i'm carmen san diego that would have been a more why are we not having somebody that's listening to this podcast right now please make us a graphic of gretchen in the red trench uh side by side with carmen san die Who wore it better? We know it was Carmen. Come on. Who wore it better? Let's just play. What did she say in the bridal shot? When she hugged and said bye, I thought she said,

I'm sorry I can't stay here the whole day, but I have a speaking engagement. Yes, she said a speaking engagement. And I was laughing. That's what it was. And I was laughing so hard. Because she can't speak. No. I mean, she basically learned her word

of the day philandering so I don't know what other words she's going to be throwing into the mix yeah who's she speaking to and about what like I mean what what who pays her to speak so she said she's going to a speaking engagement, but then apparently, was this off-screen when she told Tamara, well, I came to your day, but I was offered a sitcom, but I didn't take it so that I could come to your very special day, right? Okay, in all honesty, I bet she did have some stupid speaking engagement where she was teaching girls at a mall how to apply eyeshadow or something in Rancho Cucamonga. And it's probably going to take her a long time to drive there. However, I do not also put it past Tamara to make up this complete lie just so she can throw Gretchen's ass under the bus. Guys, I figured out what the speaking engagement was. She said to Slade, hey, we're engaged. Therefore, they have a speaking engagement.

therefore they have a speaking engagement and then she said to him and you don't need to pretend to buy me my own ring with my own money because i already have one from a dead guy exactly and i'm still paying off that stupid car you got me hi i'm gretchen i'm gonna teach you guys how to do things what do you want to know how to do raise your hand i don't know how to do that your hand i don't know how to do that who else i don't know how to do that either who else you guys sure have a lot of questions she was speaking to a bunch of deaf mutes thanks guys this has been really successful okay as much as i hate her though i don't think that she would be a worse actress than heather debrow at all well i totally

believe that she was offered the role i mean why look why would she completely lie about it first of all but also it's not like it's a real acting role they were saying like let's get some stupid housewife from the real housewives to come on here and play a stupid housewife from the Real Housewives. I mean, it's not like some deep role. They probably called every housewife in town. I'm sure they did call Gretchen. And she's not that imaginative to have come up with this as, like, a lie. Yeah.

You make a really good point, Ronnie. You know that they tried to call everybody from Beverly Hills. Like, they called Vanderpump. They called Maloof. They called, like, everyone know that they tried to call everybody from Beverly Hills. Like they called Vanderpump. They called Maloof. They called like everyone that is actually closer to CBS Radford. And when all of those real rich bitches who have real money said no, then they had to call down to the OC. Yes. And then when Heather asked if they really did that, they said no because they're trying to kiss Heather's ass because suits are liars.

Don't trust suits. Yeah. because suits are liars. Don't trust suits. Yeah. The last time a real housewife trusted a suit, Lisa Vanderpump ended up doing an I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercial. Which they tried to make me interview her for here at work,

and I was like, can I ask her all about Vanderpump rules? And they're like, let's keep the questions to it. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. And I was like, click. That's why I don't do those interviews. Are you kidding, Matt? My first question is,

so have you and fabio fucked i'm such an idiot anytime one of those anytime one of those crosses my plate i should not pass it up so it's not butter right what is it exactly it's it's restylane. Oh, God. So, what else? Do you want to talk about anything else or are we moving on? Move it on, girl. Let's get a jurors, you guys. Jersey is pretty much the same old fight. Here's how I'm breaking Jersey down. They're changing it so that we're seeing that Melissa

is a lying C-word, which I love. I think that that is just hilarious because last year she was a hero to the children and now she's a lying stripperword which i love yes i think that that is just hilarious because last year she was like a hero to the children and now she's like a lying stripper which i love well she's like i was a pop star now i'm an author and the only thing i know how to write about is my my family's secrets i wonder if they'll mind if i out my dad as a philanderer yeah i'm sorry i used him for sympathy the whole first year or two right and now now that she's milked that dry, she has to turn him into a villain. Did you see how pissed her mom was? I think the mom said after Melissa was trying to get her approval, she goes, do what you got to do.

That is not an approval. Well, also, too, it's like, well, this whole discussion is null and void anyways because you're fucking talking about it on the show. Yeah, you're on TV. And more people are going to watch this show than are ever going to buy your piece of shit book. ways because you're fucking talking about it on the show yeah you're on tv hello and more and more people are gonna watch this show than are ever gonna buy your piece of shit book because you know what they can't read your audience is not really known for their reading skills okay oh my god i'm reading skills whenever they would show theresa clacking on her um laptop i would hit the pause button so i could read the copy that was on on the tv screen and i you know i'm an editor by trade so i mean it was just you know giving me

heart palpitations but i mean that woman is i mean what was she writing she was writing about she's writing like her next cookbook or whatever and it was just it's just atrocious that was just hilarious to me first of all this is the first episode this season that has really i was just laughing the whole way through and i thought it was so funny that whole theresa trying to prove that she writes her own blogs was one of the best scenes on new jersey ever i laughed through the whole thing she cannot type she's like i wanted to prove to everybody because they're always accusing me of not being able to do my own blog that i could do my own blog so look at me i'm doing it and it's like she for some reason i hadn't watched new jersey in a while and then i caught it and it happened to be right in a moment where she had a confessional and i was totally transported

back to the first time i ever saw her on television and I thought that is such a strange looking woman and it's still like it's still I had been away for a little bit and come back you know how like when a room stinks really bad and then you walk out and but you're in it and you forget how weird it smells and then you leave and you come back you're like shit this place really stinks that's kind of how the weirdness hey look it happens i watch a show every week and it still happens to me sometimes because that happened to me this week while i was watching if she came on the screen i was like whoa holy hairline it's like i know i don't know what i've been blind to this whole year why haven't why i haven't seen that but i was like jesus that thing's about to cover her eyes i know it's crawling down. It's like Vicky's nose

is falling down her face and that hairline is falling down Teresa's. Wow. What do you mean? Blink blink. I love Teresa though. She's making me laugh so much. Yeah she's hilarious. She's trying to prove that she writes her own blog and what was her other thing that she was trying to prove? That Graham Sheen is not true.

It's not a thing, everybody. That's a lie that was invented by Caroline Manzo. So the other fun thing for me was the big Rosie and Teresa showdown. Oh, my God. I thought that was hysterical because here comes Rosie. The whole thing was just so good. Hey, babe, what kind of drink you want? What can I get you, darling? Let me get you a drink, babe. Okay, babe. All right, here's your drink. I'm

going to be drinking some whiskey on the rocks. And screaming at you. Is that okay? So what the fuck, Teresa? What is my sister? It's always my fucking sister. What the fuck? Do I fucking kill you? I'll cut your fucking tongue out. I love you so much, babe. This was great. Let's do this again, all right? I was going to say, she's totally one of those lesbians who just beats the shit out of her girlfriend. And she wonders why she hasn't had sex in six years.

Yeah. Yeah. Somebody needs to not ever let her drink. Could you imagine getting naked with a drunk one of her? Oh my God. I'd be so scared for my lady parts. I was going to say that scissor, that would be a scary scissor. That wouldn't be a scissor. That would be like putting two bags of dough, like two bags of pre-made dough in a grocery bag and walking down the street with

it it's not a scissor that is sickening because now i'm picturing her naked right now that's like a play-doh wrestle match oh god um so god bless her because that was hilarious and i love that theresa you know you got to respect theresa because she's the only one on this show who does not back down she doesn't care that rosie's yelling and screaming she's just like yeah yeah i said what about your sister uh-huh what about your sister okay you don't want to hear about your sister what about your dad what about your mom i can't believe i'm gonna admit this but like it really and ronnie we kind of saw this happening last year again where they were starting to paint the picture where you know mel I'm going to admit this, but like it really, and Ronnie, we kind of saw this happening last year again, where they were starting to paint the picture where,

you know, Melissa was going to become the villain and Teresa is going to, you know, claw her way back to the top. But I, the only thing I hate about Teresa besides her children and her husband, I mean, I really,

those are the only things I actually do hate about her. I actually kind of am on her side now. Well, there's, it's so hard to, the thing is you can't really like Caroline anymore because she's such a pain in the ass. Oh, we haven't in a year plus. We hate her.

Oh, my favorite – I can't remember if this is the most recent episode or one right before that where she's like – Rosie's yelling. It was right before the meetup with Teresa, blah, blah, blah. And then Caroline and her confessional, that family is fucked up. I'm like, really? How's your sister, Caroline? Yeah, no kidding. Meanwhile, Caroline's a miserable family.

She's moving to Hoboken so she can be near her son who she wants to bang or something really not healthy is going on there. No, she got that place in Hoboken so that she can stay at the house in Jersey and then it's pretty much a sex pad for her husband who's clearly cheating on her now that he's had gastric bypass. That's his love shack. God. So,

someone tweeted this at me and I'm so sorry that I don't remember the name. I'm stupid. So, sorry about that. Someone tweeted at me that it looks like one of the Manzos. Oh, I think it was Cookster who's going to be one of the Manzos is going to be running for city council in Hoboken or something like that. Oh my God.

Can we please move to Jersey so that we can vote against him? Oh my God. Yes, it'd be worth it. How frightening is that? I kind of am on Teresa's side always and this is why theresa is always wrong she's never right i mean all the stuff that she hates melissa for um is wrong you're not she sticks to her gun you know you're not supposed to be jealous of

your brother's wife you're not supposed to be in love with your brother your husband is obviously cheating on you and calling you the c word on tv but not to her face but not to her face just behind her back to another totally romantic um she's horrible she's never correct i don't think i can name a time on the show where theresa's been right however as gretchen would say however she is funny and she is herself and she's not faking it so i like theresa i think she's hysterical and watching her try to explain things when she's wrong faking it. So I like Teresa. I think she's hysterical and watching her try to explain things when she's wrong is my favorite. Watching those blinks, like those vacant blinks, is one of my favorite things about

the show. She's the Vicky of the show. She will always react. She will always react. There's not a single shred of cunning to her. She will do exactly whatever Melissa is the sneak.issa is very manipulative and knows how to play that um play her don't you think it's because she kind of watched the show

for the first two seasons from the sidelines and then she was able to jump in when it made most sense for her where she could come in and you know dig that grave deeper for theresa whereas now like theresa who's been there from the beginning the way way Vicky has in OC, it's like they have to have, I don't know. I just feel like the fan base has to always love the original gangsters from these franchises. And I feel myself drawn to Teresa because she has weathered so many storms. And I can't wait to see her, you know, put Melissa in her place. Well, all you have to know about melissa i mean really we've seen how manipulative she is she can act as nice as she

wants but so far we've seen danielle show up to her reunion and say that she's been getting contacted by theresa's sister-in-law about what a horrible bitch she is and not going to see the baby in the hospital so she's feeding all this stuff right before the reunion to danielle to get her name on the reunion which worked then she got in touch with the producers to get hired i mean she's totally been trying to take theresa down from behind the scenes forever and i love that theresa is actually right about that and no one believes her they're like you're crazy and jealous where it's completely obvious that she is doing that. She is totally doing it. It's not Teresa's fault that she's just crazy and jealous about everything else. Yeah.

This is the one thing she's right about. You know? Yeah. Exactly. Poor Teresa. She is my favorite. I'm loving it because Teresa is really only good when she's under fire. You know?

Well, that's not true. She's fun when she's just trying to shop at Versace as well. Oh, and then how about Jacqueline? Oh, Jacqueline. Jesus. Yeah, she... I don't want to go off about autism again. But Jesus, Jacqueline, stop it.

Stop pouring out your autistic child. And maybe he's not having a fit because he's autistic. Maybe he's having a fit because you're in his fucking face and won't let him play with the iPad. All kids would have a fit if you did that. Stop it. Leave your kid alone. That has absolutely nothing to do with autism. It's called give him the goddamn iPad.

Yes, no kidding. He's a baby and he wants to slap the bright screen. Yeah. Well, I like how they're sort of painting the picture of her as like, now I'm speaking my mind. It's like nobody cares. Yeah, your mind is blank. And you've always spoken it. And it's always been boring.

And it's not more interesting now that you've added a child into the mix. And that child is so cute. I hope social services comes and takes it and gives it to somebody who stops calling it names. Maybe Ashley will end up with it. Maybe it's not autistic at all. Maybe Jacqueline's just making that stuff up. I think that kid's cute. I'll take him. Well, if you'll notice, the best...

The people who... They're all terrible mothers, but the best mothers I've noticed seem to be the ones who have their kids on the show the least. And this kid is on every time mom's in... Put on your tap shoes. We're going to do the Hitting Yourself show for TV. That is not helping anybody. Stop it. Guys, is it wrong that I missed Danielle?

Not at all. I felt that exact same thing this week. After I watched the show, I turned off my TV and I was like, God, I miss... Where are Danielle Stubbs? Where's that model daughter that wants to kill her mother? And where's that young one who wants to kill both of them? Exactly.

Again, I was watching one of the reruns the other day. They were showing a marathon or something. mother and where is that young one who wants to kill both of them exactly i was again i was watching um one of the reruns the other day they were showing a marathon or something and they had the scene with danielle and uh dina and dina's like look i just want to tell you i just want you to leave me and my family alone she's like oh really you want to tell me what you want to tell me say it say it what do you want to say. Like, there's no talking sense to her. She could not. There wasn't even anything really bad going down, but she was making it worse and worse and worse.

Like, do you want, would you guys like some water? Oh, would I like some water? Oh, really? Really, I'd like some water? Great, thanks a lot. Did you hear what that busboy told me? Did you hear that? Did anybody hear that?

I'm suing this place. This place is going to be sued. Don't talk to me like that. Give me some respect. Give me some respect. I deserve some respect. It's like, I love her. She needs back. And all the while, there's that ex-con who she may or may not be lurking in the background as her security

detail. In the black jeans. Yes. She loves to date men in inappropriately tight black jeans. Who may or may not have called someone an F word. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly.

He might have gotten lucky because Danielle was screaming and it kind of muffled it. I love that Andy Cohen can take anything in the world except a gay slur. It's like if somebody says the F word on one of the shows, he just loses it. It's like that's the only time. He's like, Danielle, do you have anything to say about your boyfriend saying the F word on one of the shows, he just loses it. That's the only time. He's like, Danielle, do you have anything to say about your boyfriend saying the F word? She's like, well, you know, it's Jersey. That's what the guys say.

He's like, Danielle, do you have anything to say about the F word? She's like, he's sorry, okay, Andy? He's sorry. I mean, he's a fucking idiot. What do you want? He's a stupid faggot, Andy. What can I tell you um speaking of stupid nasty pigs can we talk about in the vein of andy cohen let's talk about um richie i hate richie richie welcome to your kitchen i just wish you could see my buck teeth because that's the only way I can really impersonate him is to cross my eyes

and buck my teeth. I know. Five old mouskowitz with glasses. He is the worst. He's creepy and I'm over him. Were you ever on him? I thought that he and Kathy had kind of a nice relationship.

It seemed kind of normal-ish. Because their kids are halfway decent kids. But at the end of the day, I think that Kathy needs... I just want her to divorce him. I feel like this probably happens with... A lot of these women probably deal with their husbands and their silly jokes

and then at a certain point they snap. Isn't there a TV show about women snapping and then murdering their husbands? That's called Snapped. I need to start watching that show and Kathyathy needs to go on and she needs to murder richie because he is a he is a chauvinist pig yeah snapped they basically would be like this is kathy she's so happy she loves making cannolis and riding her bike and then it'll show her making cannolis and riding her bike she loves her children she's so supportive of her husband's gas station.

And she loves boxes. And then she snapped. The wrong box came in. It was the wrong color. It was the kitchen she didn't want. He didn't ask her opinion. And now he's dead. I want to watch that show and do a podcast. You guys, Snap is an amazing show.

That's always the beginning it's like where does it air is it on like is it on like after nancy is it on after like nancy grace or one of those shows i think snapped is a lifetime show i watched an accident one time um snapped tv show tv show um yeah i think it's lifetime oh it's oxygen same diff right well i always find it very suspicious when a woman so late in life decides to get a nose job. Because that's not something – do you know what I mean? Because usually that's something that – like they've had plenty of money for a while it seems. You know, all these Housewives shows, they basically see themselves on TV.

It's like they were saying during the real Housewives of Orange County 100th episode thing. They admitted it. They saw themselves on TV. They threw away all of their clothes. They all got breast jobs and face implants, bought all new shit. And then they were like, oh, we also need to get brand new cars. Now you can come back and film. And I understand a little bit because, you know, last year I started making these internet videos for the site or whatever.

And I was fucking shocked to see myself. And I went on a fast and didn't eat anything for 43 days and became a stick figure and then stopped and then became really fat again and then i was like you know what i'm not a housewife okay i'm not gonna be a housewife i cannot afford surgery i'm just gonna get fatter and accept that i just kind of look like telly savalis like that's my that's my fate and i'm just gonna accept that and enjoy my fucking life thank god i'm not a housewife because i would have been if i had a bank account oh my god i would look like amanda bines right now i'm scared that i'm gonna become that person one day i am fine i really am i think that guys i think it's worse for guys because at least people accept it with women now.

So, you know, sure, of course, everyone looks like they've had a face job, but that's an accepted thing. Men do not look okay with face work like that. Well, what am I going to do? I just posted a photo to Instagram, and I have so many forehead wrinkly lines. It's bothering me. No, that's good. You'll be fine. Just wear a hat.

Just wear a hat? You guys are talking to the least L.A. woman in the world. Oh, my God. Not very helpful. Or a lace front. I'm going to hang up in a lace front. Wait. Put on a Teresa Giudice wig.

Nobody will even see your fucking forehead. That's a good point. They'll be like, is that a man peering at me from underneath a hairbrush yeah basically i feel terrible look watching kathy because i just know that she's so insecure and whenever i know that things like that have affected people it just makes me feel kind of bad because we're part of the problem you know sitting here making fun of people and every little thing about them and then they watch this stuff and read it on the internet they're like i need to change i'm gonna get a bit but then the other part of me is like fuck them they're idiots and it's their own damn fault and that's why people

make fun of them in the first place because they're so stupid so i'm kind of conflicted i don't know to feel terrible or to be happy for her that she can afford a nose job or if we're all just dirty americans with too much extra money to spend if we want to do it let us just do it and who gives a fuck? Yeah. All you have to do to understand how terrible Americans are is watch House Hunters. Oh, yeah. I told you I wanted a master bedroom with a double sink. I get what I want.

I'm paying $80,000 for this house. They're terrible. You're all terrible. You all should get nose jobs. All of you, please butcher your faces. By that I mean have your noses removed. You don't deserve to have noses.

In the first place. Dirty American pig. You don't deserve to smell it. Okay, so what else happened in jurors? Oh, we have to talk about Catface. Which one's that? Oh, Fatface.

The proprietor of Cafface, who was eating egg salad behind the desk while there was nobody shopping in her store. And talking about why she just doesn't want to get married because she's so worried about her career. Honey, it's the middle of the day. No one's in your store. In a strip mall. Yeah, your dad's paying the strip mall rent and you're still only able to afford the egg salad that you're eating right now. Shut up, Lauren Manzo. Shut up.

Eggs are like the cheapest thing of all time. She's like, I was a fat kid in high school. Lauren, you've been on a diet for less than a year. Get over yourself. She said that, Ronnie. I was throwing my tub of ice cream at the TV because she's sitting there and Caroline comes over

and she's having dinner with the kids because the husband is at work, meaning he's in that back room at that brownstone banging some, probably banging the girl that's banging brooks i was just gonna say that's a synergy we're doing it's a crossover episode and um so caroline's sitting there and talking to the kids and when lauren was like yeah well when i used to be a fat kid and i'm like what what is she thinking i know can you remember back nine months come on

hey you're not in a place to be nostalgic just yet and it's also called when you cheat with gastric bypass that doesn't count you are not somebody who was fused to your couch who had to be moved out of the home with a crane like you are fine

if a forklift and Maury Povich are not involved I don't care stop crying there's a bumper sticker If a forklift and Maury Povich are not involved, I don't care. Stop crying. There's a bumper sticker. And so, well, what do you guys think about this? So Caroline is then later complaining when she's having a date night with her husband about how all of their kids have, you know, seen their relationship as they've grown up. And the dad was always away at work. And now she's so concerned that none of her kids are interested in having relationships and having kids.

Or maybe that it's Caroline walks right in the middle of every relationship and shits all over it. Have you noticed that every time one of the kids is dating somebody, Caroline inserts herself into it? She was a total bitch to the last girl that Albie was dating that we saw on TV. Oh, like the hot cheerleader girl? Yeah. Yeah, she was a total bitch to her. I'm sure she's like that to everybody. She's in love with her boys, and nobody's gonna

marry them. I've known plenty of mothers like that. I'm from a Lebanese family, and none of my cousins are married. Like, maybe two out of ten. You mean the fact that she infantilized them, even into adulthood? You think that might have something to do with it? Maybe just a little. Like, she's literally pulling out her tits

for them. She baby burns their lunch into their mouth. Ew. She totally Alicia Silverstone's their lunch. Yeah, she's pretty horrible. They've never had to make it on their own. They're on their second business

that Daddy's paying for that's got a half of a star on Yelp. Come on, guys. You know what? They need to get a job where they have to fill out a half of a star on Yelp. Come on, guys. They need to get a job where they have to fill out a W-2. At least one. At least one. Sit in a cubicle for like six months. Because you know what? Starting a business,

I mean, it's one thing, but it's different if your family's bankrolling it. Lisa, are you taking a pee now because the acoustics totally just changed? I feel like you're in a ceramic room And you might be pissing I'm sorry, I just had to put on some lip balm So I adjusted it to So I could have it standing

This is really boring I'm sorry, I'll change it back That is code for dropping a deuce Putting on some lip balm, kids They made me stop wearing a headset Because I could walk around my house and I would pee every time. I would do like three times a podcast. You're like, I wasn't even in the bathroom. I'm peeing right now.

And you know what my solution was? I got a catheter because I'm not taking off that fucking headset. Yeah. I've got my winter in my hand and some pee on the floor. Okay, so can we be done with jars? I'm done. Because we have some very important things to talk about, and this podcast is well over an hour already.

I know. How did that happen? God. Bring on the royalty. We have princesses and we have below deck. So since we are moving a little bit long here, let's just hit these real quick. Have you guys watched princesses? Yes, ma'am.

I have seen several episodes, but I'm behind. Okay, well, they're pretty much all the same. But this one was particularly amazing for me because of the intervention scene. It was amazing. These girls have decided that their friend is a drunk who probably is the girl who thinks that she used to be hot in high school erica oh that was so she's my favorite because everyone every five minutes is like oh she fucks my boyfriend and you're like everyone's like oh erica was so hot was so hot and they never talk

about how she looks now like no one ever references. But she kind of used up now. Well, one thing I always say to Ben and Matt every week since the show started is I can't watch this show because I feel terrible. So instead of watching it, I put it on while I clean so I can hear what's going on, but I don't actually see it. Well, you know, this week they talked me into like actually watching it. It's so much better if you can see what's going on. It really is. Just for Erica's face face alone i was dying at her face so what about what about her bedroom that is clearly has not changed since she was in high school from the year 2000 did you see that yeah it was the saddest thing ever i mean she's just like a 30 plus year old woman or a 30

year old and i don't know she's just she's just sad the boyfriend is an alcoholic the boyfriend looks like joe judice it's i don't know it's all downhill from here they're all still living in high school because they rep they reference shit from high school so easily i can't even remember that stuff yeah and we're about the same age actually they're younger than us i think or i I think. I remember everything from high school. Well, I don't know. I have like a first wife. You were busy drinking Boone's Farm and you don't remember anything.

You know what's really sad is I was in Germany and the legal drinking age was 16. So there wasn't like an allure. I was kind of like, oh oh well i i didn't get drink drunk the first time same for me i'm from el paso texas and so we used to go over the border town we can get wasted when we're like 13 there so yeah by the time i was of age i was like sober i know it's like yeah you're like i already went to passages twice yeah been there done that burped it out I went to my first beer festival when I was 8 so yeah I'm not even kidding I'm not making that up

I had my first back alley abortion at you know in second grade so your ass baby I got fake Monopoly 100 shoved up my ass by Brooks when I was like 6 so I'm feeling pretty

sexually okay now. Guys, I feel like Tamara. All this shit we just shared with each other. You guys, I thought of killing myself like ten minutes ago. We're so bonded now. So they're gonna basically, Casey, who

hates this girl anyway, okay, she does not have her best interest at heart but she's like well she's an alcoholic and i need to be the one to tell her and she knows like uh oh all right i'll come you know so they go over to erica's house and go in her creepy like junior high bedroom and the mom is like oh hey i recognize you how do i know you because your daughter fucked my boyfriend. That's how you know me. Oh, yeah, you look good.

That's exactly what Casey said in the confessional, and I loved it, but I wanted her to say it to the mom's face. Because your whore daughter fucked my boyfriend, and I'm still not over it, and I should probably go outside and kill myself. Well, that mother is like a big enabler, so we'll get to that. So they go up to her room and they start, they don't just say look, we love you. There's a problem. You're an alcoholic. It's like, well,

thank you for coming. We just wanted to talk to you because Lord knows we all like to drink. But you know it's like fat people who complain about being fat but they're still fat. I was like, bitch, you're making this personal now. I don't know if I made you mad on Twitter or what happened, but don't be coming after me in this scene.

But what does that have to do with anything anyway? What was she even trying to say? I think that they were saying that they're implying that maybe she's that she's complaining. She's drinking too much, but I don't know that she, I don't remember her ever saying that they're implying that maybe she's that she's complaining she's drinking too much but i don't know that she i don't remember her ever saying that i don't recall that either but then again i drink when i watch the show that's how to watch it well it's just it's so funny because like every single show they always have to especially when it's this age range they always

have to pick somebody who's going to be the alcoholic that they're like we're really worried about them it's like oh snooki it's like they all are fucking partying basically the same amount but they're like you know what the editors are who do we want to make be the alcoholic let's pick this schmuck yeah of course so true exactly because somebody has to have an intervention or ruthie on real world hawaii anyone anyone oh my god yes way to take it back or kim from real housewives who obviously didn't have a problem at all i know right totally making it up gotta keep that birth weight low kids bounce back that much faster the look on erica's face while they were giving her an intervention was hysterical because she's kind of cross-eyed and she's all scrunchy face from meth or doing whatever it is that she does.

She was also drinking before they got there. And to be fair, that is the bedroom. That's probably the bed where she lost her virginity. So it's a very loaded environment. She probably has a waterbed filled with savs blunk and it's like one of those camel pack back things and she just sticks a little straw like in the in her bed and then she refills it in the afternoon um the look on her face as she was getting grilled was hilarious because she honestly

seemed to not know what the hell they were getting at at all. She was like, yeah, so when we drink what? What when we drink? What are you talking about? What fat people? What am I, fat and am I pregnant? What are we talking about? Like, I love that she was so fucking confused by it.

And then when she finally got that they were calling her an alcoholic, she's like, all right, well, this was good. Thanks for coming over. I got to help my mom clean. Like thanks for coming over i gotta help my mom clean like you're not gonna help your mom clean by the way that's like the best way to shut down an intervention ever okay well thank you i appreciate your input but uh this is dover now okay what do you guys think about casey like friday right when they're driving over i don't understand this like why is Casey, and she's mentioned this in previous episodes, but she's always like,

well, if she doesn't take my advice, I'm done. She hates you and you hate her, but you're going to be offended if she doesn't take your advice seriously. Why? Because as her enemy, don't you want to supply her with more alcohol so she will kill her liver?

She's another one who has no cunning in her and just reacts. Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. I mean, I've known people who are like that. Like, if you don't take their advice, they get all offended. Like, look, I wasn't telling you about my boyfriend being a jerk because I really wanted your advice. It's just that I'm always with my boyfriend, and now I'm talking to somebody that's not my boyfriend. So I want to talk about my boyfriend.

And you're here. So shut the fuck up and listen. I've listened to you talk about your boyfriend for years. And if I don't want to take your advice to run and dump him. Fuck you. You don't rule my life. I'm not taking your advice. Stupid.

Stop getting so offended. Well yeah. And it's also like. I mean the truth is. I know we don't. I know my boyfriend's terrible. Exactly. I'm the one dating him.

Yeah. Like if I wanted to date a good person, I'd go find a good person. I'm dating an asshole because I've got issues of my own and he can deal with them. This is called codependency. Fucking deal with it and advise accordingly. Yeah. Look, the truth is she really just needs to get back to her art in New York City. It's true.

It is true. At her core, her art in New York City. It's true. It is true. At her core, she is a New York City art girl. Well, after they canceled Gallery Girls, where she was clearly going to be the villainess of season two, she had to come crawling back to Long Island. One of my good friends, you know, I have a group of gays here that I love. And one of them almost got intervened the other day. Someone started a kind of intervention with him. Wait, is this the thing that you were telling Ben and I about when we were going for bagels? Yes, and I'm not going to go into the whole thing because privacy and all that, but they started trying to intervene.

And I said, look, I'm not going to give you an intervention. I'm going to blackmail you right now because I remember the names. I'm not going to give you shit about this, and I'm not going to give you an intervention. That's bullshit. Look, here's all I have to say. Get wasted if you want to, but don't get so wasted that you have to stop drinking, because then that hurts me. You can throw away your own life all you want, but you are my friend that I go out with on the weekends. And if your boyfriend makes you go to AA, that's over.

We're not going to have a friendship. I've had friends who've gone to AA. And guess where they are now? I don't know because we're not friends anymore. All right? Please don't let that happen to us. Just control yourself. Count to four drinks and then take a break.

Thanks. That's hysterical. I have also been invited to help with an intervention. And here's how it went down. I was like, you know, I'm not really that close to that person anymore. So I kind of don't care enough. Yeah. Well, that's so nice that you're honest enough. I'm like, I don't have the energy for an intervention.

How about I just stop hanging out with them? Well, I, I befriended them on Facebook, so I hope that helped. I'm sure that'll, the message will be loud and clear. All right. What else happened on Princess S? Was this the one where they went to the camp? No, that was the year before. That was the week before.

It was a long week. I feel like every single field trip they go on is like, okay, and this is the new way we're going to try to find a husband. It is. It is. That's what's hilarious. The only goal on this show is for these women to find a homely guy with a job that will stain, you know.

Two of them don't need to do that because two of them are budding entrepreneurs. One of them has drink hankies and the other has something where one side of a product is a lip balm and the other side is breath mints slash maybe a breathalyzer. Oh, my God. OK. What is with men in Jersey, first of all, when that girl, the pretty one, the Debbie Mazur.

Joey. We love Joey. Love her. OK. So she's the one with the lip balm and the breath spray thing. OK. So she goes to talk to her marketing guy, and she's like, Hey, it's a marketing guy.

He's a marketing genius. And then he's like, Hey, hopefully this will work so you can start concentrating on getting a man and having a baby. I'm like, Oh, my God. Is this just Jersey? Or is there other places? Like around here, you will get a fucking organic bell pepper shoved up your ass if you talk to a woman like that can you imagine and didn't his office look like one of those dirty like casting couch type rooms with like a like an old dirty like semen covered velvet

couch and like no real doorways just black vinyl curtains that you'd walk through it was such garbage yeah he's like the guy who's like, hey, come on in, honey. Ugh, gross. Yeah, she needs to leave. She needs someone else. She just needs to market her own stuff on Facebook or something. Oh, and I love his brilliant marketing plan.

He's like, listen, honey, sex sells. Oh, brilliant. Really? Did you come up with that one by yourself? Stupid. Let's be original. Sell it with sex. Thanks, brilliant. Really? Did you come up with that one by yourself? Stupid. Let's be original. Sell it with sex. Thanks, Don Draper.

No kidding. Even Don Draper thought that was hack. And that was like in the fucking late 50s. So then the other product, yes. The other product was, oh, my God. No, we didn't finish with the lip balm. He tries the lip balm and he goes, oh my God, this is like making love to my mouth. That should be the tagline, making love to my mouth.

I was like, so basically you're giving everybody the impression of a cock going inside your face. Basically. Thanks. Thanks for that. Face baby. Yeah. Face fucking happens, actually. you didn't just come up with that well and the funny thing is this is from the girl who apparently is the blue collar one of the show yet at the beginning before she goes to meet with his business partner she's riding around on her dad's fancy ass boat crying on the back of it so what i live with you it's not like you pay my bills he's like uh actually um living rent free is kind of getting your bills paid

she's like really i always felt like housing was just kind of an understood um she was she's still my favorite because probably she's the prettiest and i tend to like the prettiest ones the most but um she's she's starting to uh she's starting to slide a little bit for me i mean after that episode ronnie i mean are you still on the fence with joey or not so much i like her i mean i really i honestly all these girls i like i think they're so the only one that i think is a vile human being is the midget oh my god yeah it's just a horrible human being like i get that she's trying to be funny and stuff i get it and lord knows that i've gotten enough trouble when i say shitty things when i'm just trying to be funny but i feel like that's

like the real her no i think you're right and i think she the thing is she thinks she's fucking adorable she's not being self-deprecating i I think we would like her if she were, but she her dad made a huge mistake by making her think that she's the most adorable little whatever little munchkin in the world and yeah, she's just unpleasant. He really did.

He ruined her for life. She's like one of the under the rainbow midgets. No, she's like one of the over the rainbow midgets with like Ruth Buzzyzy face it's not good and no i don't even know what does that even mean ruth buzzy face um google ruth buzzy she's got a chin it looks like jay leno in a funhouse mirror god bless her i'm googling it right now i'm yahoo searching it right now. Here's how I like to explain this. She has the arrogance of a much hotter... Oh, hold on.

Oh my God, that is a chin. Right? Okay, back to you, Lisa. If you don't get references from the 50s and 60s, you really need to age, okay? Thanks. I was going to say... She actually looks a little bit like cousin jerry he's never gonna say this oh i don't mind jerry from ruth buzzy reminds me of cousin jerry if cousin jerry and

jay leno had a baby they had ruth buzzy they'd have this little munchkin the difference between ruth buzzy and um the midget from uh princess, obviously, is that Ruth Buzzy had some talent that she could live off of. This kid is like a dad that she wants to bone. Stop it. It's so creepy. And I feel like her flat ironing the hair isn't helping her jawline. Her hair always looks like she just – it's just like flat. I hate that look.

Women building up women on watch what crap yeah men yeah we're just all horrible we're gonna host a self-esteem expo at the women's conference in long beach with maria schreiber later this year you know what the thing is she has the arrogance of a much hotter woman that's the problem yeah she does that's absolutely correct she really does it's like you guys will know that i'm funny right so i know my place on the spectrum that's how i feel too i'm like hey i may not be hot but i've got other things fuck my talent all right come on there's only so much shit i could actually get away with um what do you guys think about... What was I going to say?

I totally interrupted and didn't even have something good to talk about. I was going to ask you something about princesses. Oh, the drink hanky. Yeah. That is the ugliest, stupidest product. It's fucking... It looks like a Fran Drescher outfit from The Nanny. What is she wearing?

Are there different colors or is it only leopard print? Explain it. What is it? I haven't actually seen it. So, Lisa, when you go out to da club and you order yourself a cocktail, I'm assuming that you are a – I don't know. I think you're more bad at it. I'm going to go – are you a gin and tonic lady? I will have a – I like to keep it simple.

So gin and tonic, I would have a gin and tonic. Okay. So you're a classic cocktail girl. Unlike these girls who probably put like a jar of mango juice and some semen and some rum and whatever into a cocktail shaker and they make something crazy and then they dangle a monkey off the side. But anyway, the point is this. They have things called drink hankies and the one that looks like Lady Gaga is a CEO and she is designing these drink hankies, and the one that looks like Lady Gaga is a CEO, and she is designing these drink hankies. And the majority of them look like different shades of leopard print at this point. But anyway, they are like loose koozies.

They're really just koozies, but fabric koozies. And you could wear them as a pocket squire. You could take them into the bathroom if you're experiencing some maybe lady issues. Or you could wrap them around your drink if it's sweating. Oh my god, this is so stupid. It's basically a beer koozie.

Look, out here I've heard people call them cozies, beer cozies, but where I come from they're called beer koozies. Is that what they're called? I call it a koozie. I think she should call those things koozies by koozies. Is that what they're called? I call it a koozie. I think she should call those things koozies by kooz. Sort of like an homage to Wine by Wives.

Do you like it? Yes, and then they could have some synergy. Yeah, or make something that people really need. A kooz koozie. So you can always keep it at the right temperature. Are you going to a sporting event and maybe flirting with somebody at the same time well you don't want the temperature of your koozie to get off that's where the kooz koozie comes in and then she has a little homosexual helper who sits there and I guess does the books or is one of her co-designers. I mean it was the saddest thing ever.

Again, they're sitting on her bedroom in her middle school-style bedroom with like a trapper keeper with three fabric samples that are clearly just like Barbie dresses that they ripped up and took out of her Barbie greenhouse in the corner of her bedroom. they ripped up and took out of her barbie greenhouse in the corner of her bedroom and are like if we wrap this around a cosmo we can call it a drink hanky genius my god what was what did her whore mother say this week like we really need to get a montage of every whore's thing her mom the whore mother walks in with a plate of chips and salsa and guacamole for the little kids who are sitting on the ground designing and she goes oh you know what would be great for these to hold besides drinks a bag full of dildos

oh yeah these are good for dildos oh my god chicken neck stop it get out of here saying fuck and dick a lot is not gonna make us think you're sexually viable get out the fact that you buy your dildos a lot is not going to make us think you're sexually viable. Get out. The fact that you buy your dildos from Costco is not impressing anyone.

No kidding. Ten pack. Those are Voss water bottles. They are not dildos. Stop it. Oh, my God. I will never drink Voss again. Okay, so princess ass. Anything else about princess as um did anyone get married

they talked about getting married over uh over a breakfast platter of bagels and locks i swear to god i just want somebody like maybe a documentarian to call up gloria steinem and just go sit in her living room and play this show and watch her just beat her head against the TV until it explodes. Like a watermelon. I actually love these girls though, because, um,

you know, if you were in orange County, Heather would order, um, you know, the bagel list locks, you know, but these girls sat down and they just Chanel shoved two fucking cream

cheese stuffed bagels down her gullet and didn't give two fucks about it. It's true. I do love that they eat like the like the challah bread. Oh, I'm fascinated by anybody who eats carbohydrates on television like it. Well, this is still season one. So it's true. Again, they will all have new cars, new boobs, and new diets by season two. Yeah, they're going to come back with nose jobs, all of them.

No diggity nose jobs. But people on the internet are no help. I mean, Jesus, the comments are like, those girls, like, even on our page, one girl was like, those girls look like pelicans. Jesus schnozzles. Oh, my God. pelicans. Jesus schnozzles! Oh my god.

People are so fucking rude and hilarious. The little munchkin's like, I have a small nose. Yeah, hooray. God put your nose where your chin's supposed to be all right so let's i don't know if that made sense but you get what i'm trying to say i absolutely do let's move on to final the final topic of the day below dreck the new show about maids on a boat can i just say that andy cohen tweeted they should just we should retitle it Devious Maids on a Boat. Look, I would watch this if it was called White Maids on a Boat.

I would. Because all of those things sound attractive. But there's things I haven't seen that much of. That's how you know people are rich. Really rich. When they have white maids. I'm telling you what. That's some baller shit right there

when you've got white people cleaning your house. Okay, this is Racism Week in reality TV. We can say whatever we want. Exactly. Thank you, Paula Deen. You have opened the... Oh my God. Everything went quiet.

I was all alone sitting here and waiting for you to talk to me but you didn't because it went quiet And I'm sitting here alone Oh my gosh Sorry about that guys I don't know what the hell is going on with the guys today I heard you singing that last part

You weren't totally alone I thought I was alone you guys Are we recording now or not? Yeah, we're back. Okay, so back to Below Drek. I did something really unfortunate. I sent a tweet out the other day where I said, and the winner of the crappy award for the worst new Bravo show of 2013

goes to dot, dot, dot, Below Deck. I am now going to take that back because I watched it for a second time today at the office I had it on in the background and I'm not gonna lie I'm obsessed it is my new Vanderpump Rules it is my new it is my new Married to Medicine

it is my new Gallery Girls I am in 100% and we are watching it we are watching it for the duration of the season I'm sorry I'm sorry Ronnie and I am sorry listeners but it is happening I'm. We are watching it for the duration of the season. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ronnie. And I am sorry listeners, but it is happening. I'm willing to check it out because you know what?

I did the same exact thing with Vanderpump rules. I totally was just like, I mean, you know what? Here's the thing. We were all recovering from the atrociousness that was Silicon Valley. Let's just be real. It's left us.

It's left us very gun shy about young people on Bravo networks, Bravo shows. But you know what, Matt, I'm willing to give it a shot. Thank you. I, you know, okay, look, I was fascinated that the maids overthrew the customer. Like, I've never seen that in my life. And I've known some saucy maids. But I've never seen a mutiny like that. I mean, basically, for those of you who didn't watch it, it's all these people who work on chartered yachts where they pay like hundreds of thousands of dollars for just one week of this being on a yacht. So they take around rich people and they all have different little jobs on the ship or whatever. And basically they get wasted and fight with each other a lot. But apparently there are rules. But don't forget.

No, there's a chain of command oh that's like a slogan and there's all these rules and so let's say i paid two hundred thousand dollars for a chartered yacht for a week but if they found coke in my room they could kick me off fuck you i just paid two hundred thousand dollars for this charter i can i should be able to fucking heroin killers, and throw them off the deck if I want to. Right. So we're watching it at work today because I'm like, everybody start watching this show with me. And everybody is starting to scream at the TV. And my coworker is like, if I have paid $150,000 to ride on a yacht for a week and I want to do coke, I'm going to do fucking coke.

Yeah. This is America. And I'm like, it sounds like this is hitting a little close to home, Lizbeth. Calm down. But I totally agree with her. Look, I mean,

look, if I have hundreds of millions of dollars, you bet I'm going to be doing Coke. I'm going to be doing Coke at the table at McDonald's if I want to. I'm rich, bitch. I know, right?

Okay, here's the real question that needs to be asked. If they're really rich, are they going to be on a yacht with TV cameras? Well, this crew, I don't know about this crew. There was like the big... I'm not talking about... Are you talking about the crew or are you talking about the guests that were on the boat?

Because I don't understand it. I meant the guests. Here's the thing. Here's the thing with that. Paris Hilton is a great example. You may have money, but if you don't have fame, it ain't worth shit. Or as Countess Luanne would say, money can't buy you class. Money can't buy you class.

Or as Brooks would say, but it can't buy you ass. With Vicky's dollar bills, y'all. Texas tea. But this week, it was like some gay dudes on their way to a model shoot, and it was some big, fat gay guy. It reminded me of that guy named Gummy Bear. It was just like this big... I don't know who that is, but already I know what he looks like. I just loved how he was described by one of the crew members.

He's like, this gay guy came on in, like, just let's face it, a dirty bathrobe. I mean, it was a disgusting, dirty bathrobe. I was dying. He actually was more, he said, soiled. Heavily soiled. That's worse. That's worse. Sounds like people were raped on his bathrobe.

When I hear the word soiled, I assume feces. I always assume semenmen it's all of those things it's like boogers pee semen poop it's like made blood it's all of it guys the monica lewinsky case really it just that whole impeachment attempt it really it made soils to me uh mean semen well you know what that stupid trial that's why everybody stopped dry cleaning their sperm ridden clothes everyone's walking around with a stain on themselves and hopes that they can sue somebody rich one day stop it everybody take your clothes to the cleaners like a decent human being so they were all offended uh at this guy in his dirty bathroom so then he gets wasted and comes

back at like two and a half two and a half two thirty in the morning to talk to one of the hot guys who's like cleaning overnight and he's like trying to hit on the guy and he's like look i don't like babysitting drunk guys especially drunk gay guys in soiled bathrobes and it was a different bathrobe certain people take an extra suitcase full of louboutins he takes an extra suitcase full of soiled bathrobes that's the kind of rich guy i want to be i just want to be rich get to be 500 pounds and take a bathrobe with me wherever i go i'm warning you that's who you're going to be 500 pounds and take a bathrobe with me wherever I go. I'm warning you, that's who you're going to be friends with in about 10 years.

He like puts on a bathrobe, rolls in a pile of nasty. He's like, ready to go. Fresh as a daisy. So they got in trouble because they went downstairs. Very obviously. They're like, hey guys, you want to go downstairs? They went downstairs together and did some coke. And then the girl who looks like Amy from Gallery Girls and is desperate and needy, just like Amy from Gallery Girls. Maybe it is Amy from Gallery Girls.

Maybe she's just going to be on every show that's going to last one season because I already feel Below Deck is sinking. Ooh, yeah. Did you look at the ratings? No, but I will right now. Yeah, that one hit Meisberg about five minutes into it, you guys. Yeah, so she finds some coke, and she's like,

oh my god, we could all leave our jobs, and she tattletales, and so they turn the boat around and kick them off. Horrified. I was horrified for them. I mean, they paid a lot of money and they're getting kicked off, but they're also being outed as total drug addicts on national TV, which, I mean...

Well, how much do you think was done? I was going to say, do you think it's possible they kicked him off and then were like, look, you can come back on the boat, but you can't be in front of the cameras anymore? They ate all their dinner. They ate their lamb chops like as soon as they kicked them off the boat they cut to a confessional of the chef going like well i was gonna cook this dinner for those coke heads but we'll have their lamb chops instead yeah and you know they

still had to pay for it because there's something in the contract like they broke they broke their word or something they probably still had to pay for that whole trip oh my god yeah that was just a bad service and before the show started um andy andy cohen tweeted you guys watch uh watch below deck it's like downton abbey but on a boat and i was like listen i know that you've never watched downton abbey because it's way above your pay grade but dude that is nothing like downton Abbey. Those people can speak English properly. And they actually do their job and they know their place. Okay? Those are real maids.

Exactly. That's some bullshit. That's hysterical. That's how somebody pitched it to him. Yeah, exactly. And he was like, okay, I'm busy. Okay, put it on. Let's see.

It's like Downton Abbey, but with coke heads. And dirty bathrobes. I do have some bad news for you guys. Uh-oh. This week's episode of Princesses Long Island only delivered 730,000 viewers. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Whereas my new favorite show, Below Deck, had its big series premiere on Bravo.

I want to say it was on Monday night. And they were able to actually score 1.1 million viewers. So it is already doing well. Yeah, but that's not fair because they got the post Real Housewives of Orange County spot. Yeah, they got post OC. But Princess gets post New Jersey, and Jersey is a bigger hit than OC. Oh. Well, I think, but everybody's sick of the accents

by the time Jersey's over. Like, enough already. Awesome. I know, it's like too much. Let's stop grouping seasons together by region. Can we do that? Yes, please. Okay, well, what did you think?

I also watched today for the first time. They did like a mini little like half hour special about Below Deck which actually had a lot of different content that was in the premiere and one of the gay boy on the boat is actually a former gay porn star who knew

oh we throw that we throw that word former around so loosely so flippantly. When it's the internet, it's never former. Every day is like it's new. Exactly. I mean, we hoe out on Instagram.

I feel like a dirty porn star every once in a while. Stop giving it out for free, yo. Yeah. All right. So Below Deck might be around to stay. I don't know. But, you know, then they show the upcoming previews and it's just they're all wasted and half naked and screaming and fighting and throwing stuff so maybe or as or as tamra would call it naked wasted let's get her naked wasted i forgot about naked

um aren't you obsessed with that uptight chick who thinks she's sexy who was gonna take off her clothes for the dirty gay men on the boat thinking that they were straight and gonna bang her because she's a virgin but really they wanted to bang the rich younger one that also looks like a dude i just i can't bring myself to care it's like neither one of you are models stop it there but they're gonna ask both of you to like put pillowcases on your head for the art let's just stop it another there's a reason that you're maids on a yacht and not models okay both of you just stop fighting stop it i love that it is so just maids on a boat it is like it is that simple i mean half of the show lisa seriously like obviously these

hour shows um end up being like 42 minutes but a good 20 minutes of this or so is montages of them wiping down toilets in a bathroom yeah i mean one of the fights is because the girl's too bossy it's like clean the bathroom yourself oh my god this is fascinating the other big the other big fight of the episode was stop taking a nap yes and she's like well i didn't mean to what do you mean you didn't mean to you were taking a nap yeah but i just fell asleep i wasn't like trying to take a nap well next time i'm your boss so next time you're gonna take a nap you need to tell me you're gonna take a nap well i would have told you if i knew it was gonna happen but i didn't know it was happening because it just happened is this person narcoleptic that's the show that's the level of discourse on the show well i have to tell you um it is a

secret pleasure of mine to watch white people doing media labor. So she was yelling at the, at the one rich white, the one rich white girl was yelling at another rich white girl to stop taking naps so she could get up. And then they show her just standing by a laundry machine going, all I do is laundry. And for some reason I find this riveting television. It takes eight white people to do two,

two Romanas worth of work. I clearly am the one that needs an intervention, not the princess of Long Island. I love how she acts like she's beating clothes against rocks in a river.

It's a fucking machine that does it. It's not that hard. They have front they have front loading glamorous washer and dryer so shut the fuck up god tell me yeah come call me when your ass is like looking for quarters and you don't don't bank locally i have i have top loaders it's a problem okay see top yeah top loaders is it's a different world. It's just sitting in there. All right. Well, now that we've got that covered, let's get the hell out of here, you guys. You guys, this is epic. Thank you so much for joining us for our supersized Screw You, Ben.

We don't need you in your naked selfies from Hawaii podcast. Just kidding, Ben. We miss you. Nice arms. Those push-ups are really doing you good. God, he loves to flex in a photo these days. And I, you know, God bless him. Look at Nice arms. Those pushups are really doing you good. God, he loves to flex in a photo these days. Look at those arms. Those are amazing.

I know. Where do you buy them? I don't know, but I want some. I want them around me. So thank you guys. You can find Lisa on Facebook.com slash or on Twitter at TimmonsL Lisa. You can find Matt

at Life on the M List on every social media network ever, including Twitter, Vine, Instagram. But I'm getting off Pinterest because I'm over it. Oh, Pinterest. That's for like moms who like to post pictures of knitting and cats. Sorry, moms, but no. And I am Ronnie.

You can find me at TrashTalkTV.com. You can find all my video redubs of The Real Housewives. I'm starting some Big Brother redubs. The first one will be posted late night tonight or early tomorrow. I'm on Instagram at TrashTalkTV. And that's it. Otherwise, you can find us on our Facebook page, Facebook.com slash Watch What Crappens. We have a lot of fun discussions in there

we often read a lot of your comments and stuff on the air and you guys might notice this podcast is coming out later lately this is now going to be coming out super super duper late on wednesday nights or on thursday mornings we've changed our day for the summer so just deal with that so thank you so much for joining us you guys come talk to us on Facebook and leave us some good comments and some good ratings on iTunes because we live for that shit okay I read them every day and when there aren't new ones

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