Watch What Crappens - PumpRules: Declaration of Faith

Episode Date: December 6, 2017

"Vanderpump Rules" is back with a bang - literally. Allegedly? Whatever. Come listen to this supersized episode (over 90 minutes long) as we recap the entire monumental season premiere. Epic. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Get ready for a double load of Queen of Hearts! It's me, Jujubee, and I return to guide sexy singles through some ronchy blind dates. Cameras off! Voice only! Launching during Pride, Queen of Hearts takes Miami by storm, with Daeders' Cuppe from Tampa Bayes, Just Chaz, and Brittany Brave to name a few. Follow Queen of Hearts on Amazon Music or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crapence would like to think it's premium sponsor! Can't have a burger without Megan Berg.

Cindy Burgess Gerson. What an amazing person! Just saying, okay. Kelly Barlow. When she goes Barlow, we go HIGHLOW. And Kristi Dauri, the OG Prem Supreme. Plus our super premium sponsors. Kelly Grant, the Grant Master and

Lizzie Drucker a fine mother fuck The heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, heavens, the heavens, heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens, the heavens to other crapman's listeners about the shows as they air, come over's Patreon.com slash Watch What Crappens. Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens. A podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from BesideBlog.com and the Banta Blender podcast. And joining me on what should be a national holiday, aka the day after Bpump rules has its season premiere. It's Ronnie Carram from TrashTalkTV.com and the Rosebrook Spatcher podcast. What's up Ronnie? I'm good. It's good. For those either day, that's Shina Day, National Shina Day. National Shina Day. You know, if the president's getting a day, this show should get a day.

I think, I mean, I think it goes without saying that I've been waiting 10 years for this day, and it's finally here. Good. This was all I've wanted for 10 years. It's all happening. Um, darling, you made me approve of him, all right? Don't say that. To people who are relatively new to our podcast over the past few months, we want to welcome

you to a whole new suite of terrible impersonations that we have. This is our, we are now entering the Vanderpump Rules phase of the podcast, which will now go on for the next six months. And God bless it because when I was watching this wonderful wonderful show which hopefully someday will be enshrined in the Library of Congress I just came to realize how excellent it is. It is such an excellent, excellent show. It just works on so many levels. I'm so happy that it's arrived and I have never been more honored than to have it premiere on my birthday. I know. I feel like the world was just giving you everything yesterday.

Yeah. It's like, you're, it's happy birthday. Here's parking spot, passive aggression. Here's like, you just got everything on everything. I'm happy for you. You deserve it. Thank you. And you know what? I actually felt in a weird way like I was on this episode of a Phantom from Rules, even though I wasn't in any possible way, but I'm going to get to that in a moment. But before we dive into this season premiere, as always, Ron and I have all sorts of housekeeping to do. But it's cool how it's keeping me. It's like the kind of housekeeping where you're like, oh my god, it smells so good in here. Was there a housekeeper in here? It's like, yes, if Van and Ronny were housekeeping. So now Ronny just sprayed some fucking cleaning product

in the air, so it's not like that. So we are in the midst of a water crappin' bananza, like live show bananza. Okay, so last week we did, we announced a Boston show, we announced a New York show, we announced a DC show. Well, guess what, all good things are happening. The first DC show sold out. So guess what, we're doing a second DC show on April 3rd.

Tickets for that go on sale this Friday. Boston sold out in less than three hours. We are working on getting a second Boston show up and running. It looks like that's going to happen. New York show, we said tickets were going sale on Friday, we had some administrative stuff, we had to get some confirmations with the venue, we jumped the gun a little bit, but guess what now we have not jumped back over the gun, okay? And guess what? You kidding me gun? Take calm down gun, take a ZanX gun Gun What's it white trash?

Well, this is crazy. We jumped over a gut, but guess what the New York City tickets are finally officially going on sale this Friday We now have a link and it's on our website Bowery Ballroom legendary Bowery Ballroom So that's exciting, but what's even more exciting is that we have another city going on sale on Friday, but we're not going to announce that till Maniana, aka Wednesday. So it looks like we're going to have another big Friday ticket buying bananza. Be sure to stay tuned to our social media, check our website and everything to make sure you get your tickets. Yeah, just be ready to buy some tickets at 10am no matter what city you're in.

Because if you don't listen to this show tomorrow, you're going to be like, well, what city was it? I missed it. No, go buy that shit. We are so excited. We're going to be traveling every month, you guys. I don't even leave my house every month. Yeah, general. Yeah, no, it's actually crazy. And we also, there's this evil side of us that likes to pit these cities against each other. So we made Boston and DC do get out to see who could sell out first.

And they actually kind of tied, which was crazy. So we're going to like, we're going to like pitch you guys against each other again on Friday, because that's just what, that's in the spirit of Vanderpump rules. We love competition, but it's the end of 2017 and everyone gets a medal. My papa's worst nightmare. Everyone gets a medal.

Participation medal. Was there anything else we were supposed to announce at the top of the show, Ronnie? I think that was it. Coffee moats. Oh, yeah. Coffee moats are available. Go get them. You can find the links at everything for sale.

Merchwise is at watchupcrapons.com too. But I have to say, this is stressing me out, because now I'm like, what do I wear in the cold? You know, I haven't been in the cold in a long time. I'm like, what coat will it cute on me? Can I pull off those down coats? You know what I mean? Those big puppy ones. Can I pull that off?

Yeah, of course you can. Listen, hit up your, hit up your stitch fix stylists. Actually, I will. That's a good idea. You really should. But all that stress aside, I've seen those birthday. I've seen those birthday. And she knows birthday.

This is really, Vanimprimprules just came roaring out of the gate this season. Wow, did it ever. Wow, was that? Let's just talk macro for a second. What did you think about this episode as a whole? Well, I knew at the beginning, this season is made for me because the episode is called Masquerade, which is a song from Phantom of the Opera,

which is a musical I thought was kind of stupid, but it is a musical. So I'm in. And also they were showing the end of the reunion at the beginning of my recording. And Jackson's like, okay, hey guys, here's to the next chapter of our lives. I'm sick, the next chapter. What could possibly be written in that? You know, what is the rest is still on written. The rest is still on written. But you know what, there is another chapter. I don't know that there's stuff written in it, but there's definitely pictures. It's like large type and maybe some pop ups.

What did you think? I loved it, I loved it. You know what, what I really liked about it, I was so impressed with the way they came out of the gate, kind of setting up all the major storylines for at least what I imagine will be the season if not like the first portion of the season. You know you got, we set up obviously that Shina's got a new man, we set up that Shina is fighting with Katie and Stasi, we set up that Tom and Tom are gonna be working with Lisa

and there could be issues there. Arianna's got a new haircut, which I'm sure will be an important storyline. We have James and Raquel, Raquel is coming back, but now James may have like a jealous gay friend. And of course, there's faith. So- At the time staying on the carpet.

Yeah. Yeah. So I just become staying on the carpet now. Yeah. Yeah. So the way they just set everything up was so good. And we haven't even gotten to Lala yet. Like there wasn't even room for Lala in this episode. So. Yeah, it's one of those things where you watch people get older, you know?

It's like every once in a time age where everything changes. Your body changes changes your brain changes And I'm like can this still be fun if people get older well thankfully They just get worse, you know, it's like everybody really pivots into their faults. Yeah exactly Jacks possibly fuck someone else again. It's kind of the same story lines like she is still crazy into looting herself about some man Yeah, it's even like harder to watch than the last time. Yeah, I mean, China is really like the poor man's Audrey, right? I mean, she just wants to go somewhere that's green and she's just, you know, gonna wind

up back in Assusa someday, which is not green, not by any stretch imagination. I was here like, can I talk to kind of my thing. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry to interrupt you because you're at dinner, which by the way, I don't know why you were so apologetic about it, but you were like, I'm so sorry to interrupt you during dinner, but I just want you to know this has been made for you, this episode has been made for you, it's like the perfect birthday gift for you. And I just hope you're having a wonderful birthday party. I was like, oh, Ronnie has been moved by this show. I have because sometimes it feels like, oh God, here we go again, like maybe it's gonna suck

or maybe I'm not gonna be into it. And then it's amazing from the beginning to the end. It was just amazing. So let's get into it, Shayouli. Yes, so it does one of the things which I kind of do always enjoy in a season premiere, which is it starts off in a frenzy of activity and then pulls back. So we don't even know what's happening. We're just barely getting our bearings and we all we know is that it's like she knows birth that's a master rate

of birth there. Madame. We started a christening. Yeah, I knew Jersey. Yeah, Chris it was like that. It's like done done Cut to this cut to that everyone's upset the gaysions involved somehow. What's faith doing here? Three hours before yeah three days of computer films. She knows like And James is like hello everyone look at Look at Cena. Cena coming in. He's like wiggy wiggying on a record. Do anyone lose the key to their Buick? Anyone? Anyone?

I have the keys of the DJ booth. I would give them to you, but you have to show me your face. Only come to me after the party. Wiggy wiggy wiggy wiggy. Fun. Fun, fun, fun. Punctiny. Sorry. Punctiny. wiki wiki wiki wiki fun fun fun fun fun so James looks semi-sauver which is weird

yeah and then Brittany's like oh my god are you kidding me and then we see Lisa in her broken bird feather mask like it's it's been it's been created her mask is from the feathers of Broken Birds. Yes. Like there's a little Glanville feather in there. It's like 500 feathers. It's like who did you try to help to betray Juleesa? I'm wearing them on my face, darling.

Well, that's part of her. That's part of her fairy godmother thing. Oh, it's a broken bird. I will help you. I will fix you up. But in return, I'll ask you to feather for my mask of age. She's the fairy godmother that shows back up at the end and she's like Cinderella. Don't you remember old it can and I have done for you? Cinderella, we're putting the kitchen on the second floor. Yeah, who does that? I mean, there's like so much done pack here. Yeah. So she's like, it's a bit like the Twilight Zone.

Which I love a current reference from Lisa, you know. And well, she's referring to the Twilight trilogy, which is beloved by many tweens. There's another vampires and... ...colons and such. It's like vampires that get older What a strange concept it's almost as if they've sacrificed their vampirism To be helped by a mysterious lady in a broken bird mask. I've got your feather

So then we see Brittany jacks is oh, you're going off what she said, which I think he said every season. Yes. And Brittney's like, if this is true, I'm leaving and I'm taking the dogs with me. Yes. You know, well, importantly, importantly, we all says, he, Kristen, going up to Jackson, you stupid son of a bitch. Ugh. Kristen, yet another plot line she has nothing to do with. Kind of showing up whenever someone looks sad. She's always good for some, for some exasperation though. You know, got to love her. I'm calling someone a son of a bitch.

She's gonna be. Sand of all is like, oh, Jackson, Jackson, or that's sex. Gotta get my hand of all back Chris dad Chris dad, so then we see or we hear a producer and they're like jacks Just tell me the truth are you cheating and he's like His his nasal cavities never had such an inhale

Everything was flapping in there. All the mucus, it's like looking at, it's like looking at hurricane footage of like, you know, flags on the sides of the screen. This visual of inside of Jack's nose with the stomp f flapping like an hurricane is brought to you by watch her crap So then we get the new opening the seasons opening and I didn't pause at all during this because I was like just get through it Taking me like 20 minutes to get this far, you know This time they don't have people spilling drinks everywhere like we see Kristen drinking a free mohito or some shit at the bar, but she's not spilling it. No one's spilling champagne, but we do see Shina bringing glasses to the bar upside down,

you know, holding them with her fingers. And they're wet. They're dripping everywhere. It's like a horse. Of course, Shina is the one who carries glasses like that. Well, there was, I wasn't paying attention to the content of the glasses, but yeah, there was Lala made it into the opening credits. I don't know if she's been in the opening credits before or maybe she definitely wasn't

in the opening credits last year, but she's back in the opening credits. We had, I think the opening was Brittany, Jack, and Stasi, and then we had James. I don't remember the order, but I was like, Jacks, and Stasi. And then we had James. I don't remember the order, but I was happy. I was happy with the collection of people. Ariana was smiling all big. I was like, this is weird. Ariana's like, it is weird. I mean, it's like a haircut just changes people so fast.

She was like the only person smiling, the opening crap. Everyone else is serious. Kristen has her weird Margaret Thatcher face on. And Ariana is just like, yay! I mean a starburst commercial. I'm the only one on this show who doesn't look like a complete asshole. Gave me. She's like, my story lines about getting a haircut. It's so easy, yay! Yeah, that's all I caught from the opening because I couldn't pause and I was like she

not like I was so mad about her wet glasses. So I'm a good fall. I'm like, it's good fall. So where do we open? Oh, we open with people acting like they still work there, which is funny. Yeah, Brittany's like, all right, I got team out of heat days here. Look, did you sound any wider please? I know.

And Lisa shows up in an RR as we say, a Rolls Royce. And I like that she shows up. This is like, I don't know why I focus it on this, but she sets out the Rolls Royce holding a like a Manila envelope that says, Lisa, like it's Scrawled Lisa. It's like, yes, Lisa, we know you're going to do work now. It's like, yes Lisa, we know you're gonna do work now. She's like, look at me, showing up to do work,

cause I run a restaurant, and you can tell I'm doing work, cause I have a minute of envelope that says Lisa. I work hard, I have a manoeuvre, Lope, it doesn't really close. So, we're always trying to prove she's working with empty envelopes and like random, like post-it notes. She's like, welcome to my office.

I'm putting this sticky piece of paper onto something. How much do you have? Oh, I bet you thought you were to the little Parisian café. What with my accordion folder? Please, have a seat behind the giant pot. I'm in front of my desk. I'll be with you in a moment. I'm just finishing up this meeting with a planter.

She's like, sir, sir, it's flourishing. It's really matured. Some come, some go. I come once a year. Get it? Asking. The phrase has really matured is not one that I would often use with the sir or this show.

But I also like we saw a glimpse of Shina waiting on tape. And she's like, my name is Shina. I have to need anything else. And I also like we saw a glimpse of China waiting on tape. I was like, can't my name is she and I have to need anything else. And I was like, oh my God, that's totally the name of her gripping 1974 novel. My name is she. If you need anything else, followed by I'm in a season now. And my name is still she. If you need me, anything else. It's a gripping novel about team prostitution and drugs. My name is Andy making crop top wedding dresses for people. So Lisa goes up to the bar and she's like, well, hello, I haven't been here in ages. Look at the two of you pretending to work. Oh, still got that shaker going. Don't you, Tom, Tom? Yeah, Jack's is meanwhile

He's reminiscing on the fact that he and Brittany have now been together for two years this week big anniversary And you've been entirely faithful have you and he's like well look guys We've been doing a lot better since Kentucky and then we see clips of Kentucky where he's just like being an asshole. It will faithful. Yes, I have filled up faith. Yes. I'm sorry. I was drinking almost choked.

Don't leave me hanging with my gross joke. I've been full. I've been feeling faith. Does that count? Is that the same as being faithful? So let's see. So for anyone like, so for the clip, she's like, Jats, I can't sit here and be degraded by you. I feel like cheese, Jats, side to great and me. I'm not just a block of jitter. The degree is not just a river in the middle of Egypt. No, no,

you got that one wrong. Actually, it was really convenient because for people like me who did not actually watch Jackson, Brittany and Kentucky that stupid show, we got this great flashback where I assume we saw all the good stuff, which was them fighting and him being a total, total asshole picked her. Yeah, it's supposed to be like the city slicker in the country girl, but he's from Florida. Like he's not really like that big city boy. He just sat around and complained about having to deal with pigs all day.

Yeah, he's not really like a city slicker. He's just more like an oil slick. He's just like pomade slick. And in case there's any question about what a dick jacks is that when they come back He said that they had a rough patch but things they've gotten back together and he's like things have been great You know, she's finally getting off the couch going to the gym not keeping postmates in business I was like that's your girlfriend you're talking about and you should be one to talk. Okay. We can it looks like you are chipmunk right now like stashing away like

Peppermint patties in your cheeks. Oh, well, that's filler. Okay now on his budget It might be peppermint patties. He's stuffing in his He's just injecting random things and is I would totally stash peppermint patties in my cheeks I'm not I'm not dissing it. I'm just saying don't act like Brittany is the one who is like the only one having Issues like that. Well, it's always hard for me to be on Britney side, even though she's an angel and Jack's is a devil, because really all Jack's wants is a ham sandwich. Like, to me, that's the easiest relationship ever. He's like, you can't even make me a ham sandwich. That's true.

It's hard, Jay. X, it's hard. Yeah, they're just not meant for each other. You know, his needs are so simple and the fact that she can't rise to them is sad. But then also the fact that she also, both cannot rise to the challenge and continues to lower herself to Jack's. It's like, I don't really know where I stand on it. I just feel like they should not be together.

Yeah, you've seen this show and you've been with Jacks for two years. You deserve what you get. I can't feel for you. Yeah. So Brittany and Sheena are talking in the back of the fridge. And by the fridge, our favorite fridge. Yeah. And Brittany has just put her sodas up that she's supposed to be delivering just up on a shelf. And Sheena's like, is it so hard for people to back glasses on that track? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! AHHHHH I mean, such a good place. Like, I just feel so happy with where I am in my life right now. Like, Rob makes me so fucking happy. It's like, I'm always just showing the love side of my face. I'm so happy.

Ooooooh I need to show you my god that I got from my birthday because it's like even happy when I put it on because like the happiness that comes out of me from Rob makes a dress happier. It's like so happy. AHHHHH Did you know that they wrote a song about how I feel right now? It's called Happy. It's like a really great song

and no one will ever get sick of it. I just am so happy about Happy. But a song came out and I was still with Shay, but it's like not what I wanted, but I knew that I was gonna get what I wanted because Happy was playing. Yeah, it was like a really good sign that like, even though I said I was happy with Shay

and he gave me butterflies, I know that like with Rob, he actually is a butterfly. It's amazing. She was also really stupid because she's not divorced yet. And she's kind of giving Shay a lot of evidence here. She's like, well, I did it Rob like often on until I married Shay. Well, no, she goes, we were off to like 2010.

And then I took a six year break with Shay. And like, then we were back together. Like, I would not have started dating so soon after my divorce if it was like literally anyone else. Maybe I'd use a breon. Well, here's the thing, like, I think it's funny to like, to characterize your wedding as a break from someone, to like, to characterize your wedding as a break from someone, like your marriage. It's not like, oh, you had a flame. It was like, you went, you got in a relationship, you got engaged, you got married, you had a full marriage. It's not really a break. It was a marriage. It was just like someone to sit in those recliner seats with,

with like big gold holders in the center. Like, that's what I was. It was just like a way to know like do I am I happy right now And I wasn't really happy But I was like at least I have someone to send a barclang with and try all the prime cocktails with I think I'll have one of each Please actually We just want to be together And Britney's like I am so happy you're happy. This is great And I'm so happy that things are so good with me and jacks

Nothing could ever go wrong whatsoever, ever, ever, ever. Would you great chase for your man? Deliver your drinks, Brett me. So Tom is, by the way, I just want to say that she is like, at this point, I just want to get my divorce certificate so I can get remarried right after that. I was like, she knows like, maybe give it, give it like a little bit of breathing room before you get remarried right away. What are you? Tamrod judge. Well, I was going to say, you know how fashions catch on even though they're hideous. This cast must watch Orange County. There are so many cutouts and like those floppy pirate dresses,

but they show the shoulders. There's There's a lot of orange county wear in this. Yeah, well, it's a fine line between Hollywood and Orange County. I mean, it's not like Los Angeles. It's suddenly like everyone becomes fashionable. You get to Los Angeles. You know, no, it's space in a spectrum. The Orange County Beverly Hills fashion spectrum. Yeah, it's like the spectrum between like Chico's and BB.

Yeah, Clares and another Clares. So Tom is like, Hey Lisa, we need to be to get Tom Tom. And she's like, well, we've got all the permission. We've got the slips from the city people that say we can do this the permission. We've got the slips from the city people that say we can do this or that. We've got permission papers from the pot people that say our pots are the proper large size

and the lighting people for the string lights that will go in the glass bowls that will hang on said olive trees. I've got all these slips in a vanilla folder. It says Lisa You know I'm prepared because I have a minute or so and it says Lisa on it Is that this has looked like someone is unprepared? So look like someone who has not gone and visited the planning commission. I don't think so All caps torn. I'm on top of it

Now let me see what's in your minute or folder. Oh, you don't havestone. I'm on top of it. Now, let me see what's in your minute, Lafelder. Oh, you don't have one. I see. I'm gonna have to think about this. Let me write a note in the minute, Lafelder. To remind me to think about it. Do you have one of those sticky things? I post it as they call it.

No, that's too bad, because I live some in my minute, Lafelder. You aren't ready for this! I would throw my minute or folder at you, but it's way too important. So she's like, we asked the dildo ladies and we found the street and we plan on serving delicious food in its place. Tom, Tom will be minor partners minor minor partners as in minor m i n e r we want them to drill a hole in the bottom of the floor and that's

it they can bring a canary if they want it's not necessary if they want to be involved they must invest and i'm like wait a second this is just coming now you didn't tell them this at the wedding. How about if you use my name, then you have to pay me $100,000. Okay. My name is Tom. Okay. That's worth a hundred grand. So Tom is like, dude, like a hundred grand. That's like a monumental. Okay.

But like I could get it. Like I could borrow it or something like my grandpa passed away. Like what you're going to borrow money from your dead grandpa. That's not how it works It's like I'm gonna I'm gonna call a medium. I Mean I got some of those candy bars. That's already up to like right like 30 grand from that like no Those aren't actually money just because they're they're called He left me some of those lands. It looks like coins Thank you. It's Hanukkah, right It looks like coins.

I think out tonica, right? What was the name of those candy bars? I'm blanking it sort of 10,000 grand or whatever five grand That's kind of grand. I think it's a hundred grand or those 100 grand. Oh, well, then they say just has to get one of those here Lisa They should change with the time though the times, you know like currency's changed now. It should be like 137 bitcoins So anyway, he's like I'm poor and then they show a clip of Ariana talking to her mom in their apartment and the lights go out Ariana's like That happens when we turn on the AC and the microwave at the same time and I was like me too Me too you are not getting a hundred grand

for anything. I've never even imagined a hundred grand. Yeah. Yeah. No. I just I feel like looking at the clip of that like air conditioning microwave situation. Yeah. I think it'll be it'll be a moment before we listen and get their 100 grand. So then speaking of Ariana, she has new haircut and what we've learned is that Tom has masturbated to it about four or five times, which is hilarious. That's like assault on Harry. And he just thinks about a wig. It's funny, but you know, it's Tom.

I could imagine Tom masturbating to like a fantastic Sam's catalog Like whoa look at that. That's what they call the fade yeah Dude you know the lines that you know the fade is like you don't even see where it goes from 1 to 1.5 Dude it's like tapered so but oh Let's watch the growth of a foe hot dude like it totally changed from when you're to the next Oh So architectural it's like whoa

Am I gay if I trick off to a page boy? Like I'm really attracted to Bob That weird Dude you know how to, great haircut totally underrated. Joyce Dewey, just go ahead, man. Oh, oh, oh, oh, Janet Woody, Janet Woody. So, Cena's like, I am obsessed with your hair. We know because you tried to get it.

Didn't work, Cena, okay? Didn't work. Turn those glasses upside down and make that floor slippery, okay? No, it's fine. It's not so So Xena she know we learn now that she is and it's having an issue with Katie because She was like well, I made a comment comparing the amount of friends I have compared to Katie and she thought I was saying I did she didn't have any friends and then she I got rage checks from her and now we haven't talked ever since which is like such a band of prom rules sort of fight because it's like dumb that she know whatever

compare how many friends she has to have any friends Katie has and of course this typical Katie to interpret it as I don't have any friends so now they're in a fight. I was hoping that you transcribed this part. Because I was so confused and I went back and listened again and I still don't get it. I made a comment to somebody comparing the amount of friends that we have to the amount of friends Katie has. And I met as a compliment, but then she took it as an insult.

What, wait, what? What was the comment? It's probably like, I don't, I wish as a compliment, but then she took it as an insult. What? Wait, what? What was the comment? It's probably like, I wish I could have, like, I wish I could probably have, you know, not really like about you, Katie, is that you don't have a lot of friends, but the friends that you do have, you're like, really close with where it's at. I just have like so many friends, and I just like wish I could be better friends with all of them. That's probably what she said. If I had to buy everyone a dish towel from my wedding, like I would go broke. Like I have so many friends. I can't believe how many people I have to invite to my birthday party. I wish I was

just like you Katie who could just have like an intimate thing in your living room with lots of elbow room. Remember when you got married in that dog park? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Okay, okay, tell me what it says because I can oh here it is okay says this is Katie her text says look I don't have ant interest which means any interest I don't have any interest and are doing in circles if nothing I say will be heard so yes

We bullied you for the last year and you so pathetically wants to be accepted by us that you force yourself to not like la la Okay, can I point out that Katie wrote this on the computer and then copy and paste it back into the text? Do you know how I know? Because look, there's a return break. There's a carriage. I noticed that. I don't know if that is how crazy Katie is.

Okay, she's like, I'm gonna tell her, I'm gonna word this so she can't use it against me and I'm gonna do it on the computer first. It's funny, I noticed the line break but I didn't think that I just thought, I love that Katie is doing a line break for dramatic, you know, purposes, because at this point,

she's written so many rage texts. She knows that in order to, so like properly convey the rage, you can't just use your words, it's how it actually looks. Yes, I'm surprised she didn't like do a formal outline. She's like, A, one, A, two, A. the best part of this screenshot is right above it.

It says remind dead star star. And then under it says reminded, uh, which means she was trying to just right reminded 10 times. Yeah, Katie. Oh, yes, you know, yeah. Um, so yeah, basically it looks like they were having a big fight and um, and Katie is just like so sick of having to like refute the idea that she bullied Gina for a year, et cetera.

But what I love is that Katie hates being the bad guy. We saw this a lot last year. Oh, I'm the bad, once again, I'm the bad guy. I'm the crazy one who sends the crazy text. I'm like, Katie, if you don't want to be known as the one who sends the crazy text, just stop sending them. Because it's like every season, we get one once a week, a Katie text. Yeah, and it's always evidence.

Be like Jack's. Don't do anything on paper, okay? Yeah, nothing on paper. You get nothing on paper, nothing on even computer paper, and certainly not Manila, okay? Lisa probably has so many texts in her Manila envelope, she's just ready to pull out. So, Sina's bitching to Ariana and Ariana's like, wow, this is so fun to listen to.

And then Katie comes up, she's like, hi, because she can totally hear Sina. Like the people down the street can hear Sina, you know? She's like, hi there, I need to express O Martini. Like of course she do. That's like such a Katie thing to order. Yeah, and she was like, oh Katie, while you're here, I'm having a birthday party and I'm sorry to stop you. I'm so sorry, but she goes, so obviously you know, it's my birthday.

My favorite line. Okay, obviously you know, it's kind of a big deal. And I think I don't want you there because I don't want to draw my Marr-Bart Day. So she just disinvites Katie. I just even does. She just, I think I don't want you there. Well, at least she says it upfront, you know. So Katie is like, I just don't get it because one minute you're my best friend and you're in my wedding.

Okay, you don't get to do that anymore. You get to do one minute you're my best friend and you're in my wedding. Okay, you don't get to do that anymore. You get to do that when you're a bride, but the second your wedding is over, it's done. Now all you have is an IOU to the rest of your friends who have to spend all that money when they get married. Or you have to spend that money when they get married. Exactly. Yeah, you already had a season of saying, this is, I'm like getting married. I can't believe you'd bring this up when I'm getting married

I'm getting married in two weeks and you guys are fighting right now And I'm the one getting married. No, you don't get you don't get to do the retroactive I can't believe you do this to me when you were in my wedding Yeah, like you did you did her such a huge favor like you ate tacos from the Taco Bell tower at my Bridal shower and then the next minute, you hate me. So, whatever. It's clear that you made the decision somewhere along the line that you're not gonna be my friend.

You know what, if she ever did that to me, like, Ben, well, can't believe you're saying such shady shit to me, when you were at my wedding, oh, it's a, yeah, but it was on a Wednesday, so it doesn't count. Yeah, it was a hump day, okay. Yeah, it doesn't count. I gave it, I had a bigger sacrifice than you did. I went up to your wedding in the middle of Lake Tahoe on a Wednesday okay.

Yes I walked on wood chips for you. So Katie tells us she's wearing this bright pink really odd peptobiz maldress which poor Katie like no like no one's helping Katie, like someone help Katie. So she's like, I already mourned a loss of like good friend Shina. So I'm just really not obsessed that I'm missing the birthday slash mass grade slash coming out Robin Shina party. Okay. Like it's like real housewives of Atlanta just add some gays and some seafood. Yeah.

How many friendships does Katie have to mourn? I mean, she's constantly mourning friendships. At some point, I think maybe Katie has to look inside herself. Why is she in a state of constantly mourning friendships? I think Katie is one of those people that's just lost so many, that she just, something, anything can happen, and she'll just never cry, you know?

She's like, why aren't I crying? Until like a really sad commercial comes on, she's a good, yeah. It'll come out in a strange place. So then Tom, an Ariana go and sit down at a table and Tom's like, oh, your hair looks really good. Just then, I mean, Ariana. And then they just, oh, yeah, don't do this on the table. I just changed this tablecloth. Please don't do that here. So he's like, well, I'm going to meet with Ken and Lisa. We're going to look at the space, but I'm nervous because what if it's just Ken and Lisa

doing their thing, and then they're going to throw our name on it? What do you think is going to happen? What do you think this is going to be? It's called Tom, Tom, they've got got the space and they've already planned everything. You just have to show up. Yeah, I mean, I mean, do you think they would ever turn over the reins to you? Of course, it's gonna have, everything's gonna have

sort of like a lavender satin look to it, you know, with giant planters and, you know, like the strange, like pink neon lighting accents. Yeah, it's already been decided. Mickey Mouse didn't get to design Disneyland. Just deal so up in your outfit and, you know, take some pictures with the nice people. Yeah, and so he's talking about how Tom's talking about how,

you know, he's really putting in effort in this and he's even gone on research trips and he's like, Tom's like, Well, I wanted to see if there was a way to work marijuana into Tom Tom. So I took a research trip with Jack the Colorado and it turns out you can't put weed into drinks. I'm like, yeah, that's a great research trip.

He's like, that's all I remember, Fabette, dude. And Arianna's like, well, she can't just act like you're some incompetent douche lord. Are you still masturbating under the table? Look, I'm gonna wear a hat. If you don't stop that. Okay. Oh, that's my favorite look also. You want to have. Oh. So then he's like, whoa, dude, I feel Lisa. I feel Lisa's eyes on me. Oh, dude. Is that pink satin over there? Is that a dude dressed just like the dog? Oh, dude, it's Lisa and Candid. They're watching from a table that's really far away.

The camera's like, can't even hear the damn doorbell ring. They didn't hear anything he said. But it was perfect because he was going off on Lisa saying how, saying how he's just like afraid that they're going to just totally railroad him through tum-tum thing and then the camera just pans the left and there He's the incense during Adam And of course giant planter the giant planter obscured their view. It's always comes down to giant planters It looks like we're far away But the acoustics that the giant planter

Bring to us means I can hear you from anywhere in this restaurant Objects in the giant plan plant are closer than they may appear! There we were. Sitting at table number 7. Like you're the only person in this restaurant who knows the table number. I was flipping through my mini-le envelope when I happened to hear my name and I thought Minna envelope is that you? Are you talking to me?

Have you come alive? But no, it turns out it was not Minnull and Velope it was Tom. I saw Minnull and Velope and I thought, is that Tom's, has he learned responsibility? And then I turned it over and it said Lisa. I was so impressed with Tom. I went onto his computer and he had a paperclip

that talked to me and I thought, this is responsibility. Only to find out that everyone has a talking paperclip. And then typical Lisa, she's like, we haven't even started and he's already talking like this. We've given him this opportunity and we can take it away just like that. Maybe we'll call it Katie Katie. No. Jack's Jack's. Ken Ken,'t we need another can I won't fuck either can until the birthday is get it I'm very sexy what what about what about stasi or how about stasi headquarters stasi headquarters how does that sound stasi stasi I thought I was telling I was talking to my cousin channel on the phone and she's like literally I moved apartments I'm like in the same building but now I'm upstairs but I don't have central air and it is like

hot AF like great update like I'm from the south I need central air okay how is it in the same place but you don't have central air how does some how do some apartments have central air but others don't I'm confused I'm glad she made a comment about it because I thought it was very strange that our first glimpse of Stasi for the season was her unpacking a portable air conditioner. I was like, wow, how the mighty have fallen. Is this her storyline? Those always sound so good until you see them.

They're like these giant robots with huge ass tunnel tubes that you have to fit into a window. And Katie comes over and she's like, um, Mike, I know you like putting things together. So that's why I call to you. So you get to work. I'll make a strawberry shake. Okay. Hey, Katie, like in a few minutes later, you see Katie struggling with the air conditioner pack materials because of that big tube thing. And she pulls out like some like the foam things and she looks them like, she's like, this is a copy machine, right? I've mourned the loss of the pack materials.

Now, Katie comes prepared because Katie always knows how to retell a story almost exactly the way it actually happened, which is very rare. She's like, I was at the bar ordering an espresso martini, and Sina was like, I don't know if I can, like she does the exact quote, even down to her own. Yes.

She was a bridesmaid in my wedding for God's sake. One minute I thought she was one of my closest friends. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding for God's sake. I was like, oh, this really is gonna be your thing. Cause even now I said this twice, it's in five minutes of air time. Yes. I gave her a tea towel. So how could she? How could she? And Stasi's

like, it seems like a lot of effort to go out of your way to be an asshole. I'm like, isn't that you're calling in life? Isn't that like your whole reason for being on this show? And it's like literally no effort. She just told her at the bar, like, you can't come. That is a lot of effort. She literally didn't even walk up to Katie. And you know, that's she knows favorite move. It's a walk up to someone and say something. I just want to say you're no longer invited to Madame Sam's. Okay. That is her thing. You're right. She's like, Hey, obviously you know, it's like the taco tower writes me party, or Katie, and like, we don't think you should come. So, uh, so, so the producers are meanwhile setting up

Stasi for mass embarrassment because she starts talking about how she and Patrick are in a really good place. And it feels like they're back together, even though they're not, but like the sex is good again and like, everyone's off, like, things are great. Like, everything's going the right direction and this time it's gonna work out And Katie's like time to try something new, you know like with sex and it starts to go Maybe I'll finally take it up the ass like I feel like it'll really hurt and Katie just looks down

She's like how do I open the top of this copy machine? This bubble gum machine doesn't seem to be working. Yeah, Katie is like, I don't want to see her go through that pain and heart break again. I'm like, have you seen her snapchat? Yeah, like I got my feed. She's like, I don't want that heartache clogging my feed again, okay? Katie is like, I'm just excited. Now that the wedding is over, I'm just excited to really prepare for the future for real now.

And until like, you know, until we die. Yeah. Ultimately, your final destination, you're headed for, which is death. Yeah. Like that. So Logan and James, well, teams has not moved out of the old rich guys weird apartment in Beverly Hills which looks like the prison complex every time they show the outside I'm like where is he?

It's that's the four seasons. That's how that plays this the four seasons actually my friend the norm is it's enormous it is yeah James and Logan I have not seen call me By Your Name, or my name, whatever it's called, but I feel like it's probably this scene, right? I feel like Call Me By My Name is essentially, like what happens in the scene, which is- Isn't one of them older? I think one of them's like an adult

and one of them's a teenager in that maybe. So like the adult is we never see him. All I know is that there's like gay yearning. That's all I know. And it's it's Logan yearning for James. Raising kids can be one of the greatest rewards of a parent's life. But come on, someday, parenting is unbearable. I love my kid, but is a new parenting podcast from Wondry that shares of our freshly honest and insightful take on parenting. Hosted by myself, Megan Galey, Chris Garcia, and Kurt Brown-Oller, we will be your resident

not-so-expert-expert. Each week we'll share a parenting story that'll have you laughing, nodding, and thinking. Oh yeah, I have absolutely been there. We'll talk about what went right and wrong. What would we do differently? And the next time you step on yet another stray Lego in the middle of the night, you'll feel less alone. So if you like to laugh with us as we talk about the hardest job

in the world, listen to, I love my kid, but wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wondery app. Yeah, I'm not really sure, but they do seem to have like a cute little relationship. Or a relationship. Yeah.

Which of course I shouldn't say, just be, you know, a gay man and a straight man can of course be friends without it being homoerotic. But I just feel like there's a lot of sexual tension between these two. Yeah, and today you don't really have to pick a side. You could just kind of do whatever you want. You know, so you two go. I support you.

Yeah, so Logan and James are actually best friends. And we haven't really seen much of Logan before. Although I used to see him around my old apartment building, because a server from Sur lived on my floor. How about that? Ooooo, you see you're so tuned in, you could solve so many mysteries. I know, I really could. So James is like, oh, hello, Logan.

Well, what a fun friend you are. How fun it is, only playing video games and talking about boobies. Raquel is coming home for the summer, Wiggy, Wiggy, Wiggy. This is all very it really just seems like it should be some like art house movie my girlfriend rec hell is coming back for the summer it's hot all day but that means I can no longer hang out with Logan my pansexual best friend obviously Logan likes men. We're mates. He gets mates, I get girls, it all works out. And together we make cookies, trying to get to cookie before Racheal loves, trying to get to cookie before Racheal arrives.

Well, what are coincidence? My girlfriend, Racheal, is returning right at the beginning of shooting. So Raquel shows up and James is... Well, she hasn't showed up yet. James is like seeing how happy he is that he has Logan, because he's like, thank God I got Logan while Raquel is gone. You know, we go hiking together, We work out. Logan drives me around. It's just a wonderful, non-sexual relationship. You know, all of those things he just mentioned are places that people get blowtops.

Hiking, running candy and secret bushes, working out steam room. He drives me around, you know, front seat, B.J. It's like, pick something straight, big straighter activity. It's fun. So Raquel walks in and BJ. It's like, pick something straight, big straight reactivity. So, Rikkel walks in and then immediately James is like, goodbye Logan, he just starts hugging Rikkel

and there was like hugging and kissing and Logan's just sitting there like, he's like, look at all these balloons on the floor that we totally got for you that have run out of helium now. Yeah, these were totally for you, Rikkel. I cleaned off that cum stain from the rug. So you wouldn't have to see it, Rick Al, but I guess I'll just go now. Yeah, they say something about a cum stain and he's like,

oh, honey, joke. Funny, funny. What a funny mate he is. Oh, Logan, the funny mate. Logan's like, I guess I'll just see myself out. Okay. And Rick Al's like I guess I guess I'll just see myself out okay And Rick health like Shut up, they cut away. Thank God. I just wrote lots of closed mouth kisses

Okay, I respect you too much to kiss you right now With your mouth open. Let us do it the polite way until we're married with your mouth open. Let us do it the polite way until we're married. Muah, muah, muah, muah, muah, muah, muah, muah. I'll be your Mr. Darcy. So let's head over to Tom Tom. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, straight, straight. Straight, straight. The music. Hey, the music is not making any effort either, which I appreciate. Yeah. So Tom and Tom arrive at TomTom.

And it's basically been totally, what is it, demoed, whatever. It's just like wood and skeletons. The skeleton of a building. And you just see the beams, the exposed beams. And Tom's out of all, it's like, whoa, dude, cool, adder. Let me try to climb. But we should keep this. It's just like of all's like whoa dude cool. I don't let me try to let me try to climb I wish you keep this. It's just like it's like beams In Tom Tees like whoa watch your hands dude like you need your hands

It's like dude. I'm a rock climber. Okay. What me to tell you about rock climbing. I will he's like oh I feel like you moisturize those hands so much you don't wanna ruin them. You know, come on, dude. So then Tom's hand of all is like, dude, I just want this place to be comfortability-ish and familiar-y-o-d-ish. And I just want heart and like sexy TVs, dude. I want like familiarity, like jiggered drinks.

Jiggered drinks.iggered drinks and TVs. I Wanted to be nostalgia. I want to make sure that we're like measuring these drinks out properly Like every drink is gonna be jiggered bro. Like no one's getting too much or too little in their drink. Okay. It's my dream Bro, dude. Let's just have it be like totally retro like exposed ladders like let's do some like asbestos I Loved when he said nostalgia. Yeah, he's like is that a word? Tom T is like no, it's not no smart So he said, uh, you know, I'm worried. It's Ken and Lisa. They're gonna want to do everything, you know, but like

I think they heard me talking about it like oh god, God, you know. So Lisa and Kim came in. Can I make a general comment by the way? Tom Sand have all looked so good in the scene. I just felt like I had to point that out. Did he look so good in the scene? Yeah, he was pretty cute. But he looked, but this was really, he was, I was like, this is like,

I think this is the best the Tom has ever looked. Also rock climbing, you know, that always helps. That's what he's like. Rock climbing, look at me, I'm going up the ladder. Dude. So Ken and Lisa arrive, Ken is wearing a light blue, like a periwinkle satin shirt that has like a holster or sewn into it.

Did you notice that? It's like, well, it's a very, very welcome. Here we are in the restaurant. There's nothing in there. It's not finished yet. It's named holster. Knockin'. Lockout. Spockers.

Many, many, many a long blop. And he says, lease on it. Need me to prove something. Oh, well, I'll hold the minute, minute, minute. Lisa's like, that's sorry. It looks like a shit hole right now. But at least there are dildos sticking out of that ladder anymore.

All right, here's my idea. It's going gonna be industrial shabby and shabby chic and chic industrial pretty. Plantas everywhere. Kid, the kitchen will be on the second floor. Here's what I imagine. Bathrooms right here. Why are you imagining that? That's so weird. This whole toilet. Yeah, she actually says the concept is going to be romantic industrial, which of course is not what Tom's idea was. And Tom's head is exploding because he doesn't understand why there has to be a kitchen on the

second floor, which is already strange. How about maybe no kitchen in the first place? Well, how can they do that? It can just be a bar. Oh, right. Yeah, but Lisa needs to serve like warm potato salad. She's obsessed. Like I think it wouldn't feel like a Lisa restaurant unless she was freaking people out by warming up mayonnaise. Yeah, it might also truly be easier to get a license

for a restaurant than it is to get to open up something that's strictly a bar. There are weird rules about that. Like it's really hard to get a liquor license. A lot of them are like beard, wine bars and stuff here because the liquor license, people buy them and then they sell them for hundreds of thousands of dollars, you know. Which is where your investment comes in.

He's like the kitchen on the second feather. I had your feather. The kitchen is about the second floor dude, bro. I don't know about that. She's like, look, there are a lot of plans you want privy to. Licenses, payments, I ripped things down on things, awards. Where are we gonna put the dog kennels, I changed. Change, Ken's.

Roomba filter's telling. Is it gonna be comfortable? It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Of course it will be comfortable. A lot of spark out, of course it will be comfortable. Everyone become a lot of spark out of course, it'll become to everyone. Everyone will have a seat by the bathroom. Of course, it will be comfortable. This is just be one big public bathroom,

but they're kitchen on top. As Max is the only one who really works and runs food at this place, his butt is going to get so big going up and down those stairs. That is just not my story to the waiters to have the kitchen up there. Although, you know, in New York, there are a lot of restaurants where the kitchens are downstairs. So, you know, it's not the craziest idea. It seems weird. It seems weird to have the second floor be the kitchen.

And it just seems painful. Like, as a waiter, I'm like, no, please no. But, you know, I would never be hired there anyway. She's like, let me check your butt muscles, darling. So, he's like, is the patio gonna be like, is the patio gonna be, uh, she guess, outside? She's getting really annoyed with him at this point. Yes. Well, I was sitting at table number When I heard Tom masturbating to a haircut and complaining about us. Yeah, she's like, oh, I'm so sorry that I've already opened up 33 restaurants without Tom's underbar. Get that, that's shade. That's the shade that's cast when you hold up a manila envelope to some light.

It's a shady as a patio will be once we get our shade license taken care of Well tell you wanted in my manila envelope But I'm rethinking this top Tom I'm going to give you the weekend by Monday if I'm not secure la la gg. It is She's like and Lisa bass is like listen here's the idea. It's gonna be romantic and industrial. And it'll be beautiful. And we're gonna set it all up. And then you're just going to mix cocktails.

That's what you're here for. You're here for the cocktails. So basically it's her saying, yeah, you're gonna be a minor partner. And your partnership is about you design the bar menu. That's where you come in. So I'm like, okay, that makes sense fine. But what is Tom Schwartz bringing to the table? That, he's gonna do that a lot.

He's gonna be like, you guys, you wanna hear the specials? I'm not really sure, you wanna hear the specials? Yeah, it's just gonna be like needy, so people will feel like they have to come in to give him a hug, you know, make him feel okay. I mean, truly what's being unspoken here is that it's essentially like, it's Disney. It's Disney World where at least it's like,

listen, I'm putting up the money, you can be a partner and exchange. You guys are here and people will come in and if they want to get autographed to pictures with you, they know they've got to come here. It's like the way that the only way you can get a picture with Mickey Mouse is if you go to like the animal kingdom at Disney World and you have to eat it that,

there's like a buffet, you have to eat that and that's the only way you can meet the take a picture with the characters Yeah, and you know what she also follows those rules. She's there all the time She's like I have a table under a carnival tent and lots of gaze holding my dogs feel free to combine say hello I will wave So try the Wompetator salad. So, uh, you know, the thing is this, maybe Tom, Tom Sandevolent Tom Schwartz would have been prepared for this rude awakening if they read more. Maybe they could read more magazines, you know.

Maybe they had, if they only had an app that would help them with this journey. Yeah, because, you know, when you're putting $100,000 into a restaurant, you can't be paying $8 for a people. You know, you'll have to limit your magazine. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You got to save money every, which, every, in every way you possibly can, you know, especially if you've just bought a credenza. So you know, it's a good way to save money with all those magazines, Tom Sandevol.

Get the two. I wish I could look at magazines up by iPad Bro bro, I just found out about this texture app dude, bro. I could read like Esquire I could read clean eating. I could read consumer reports. I could read them all dude Yeah texture is like not flanks, but for magazines, okay? Like magazines are more than just something to flip through the checkout line to the grocery store, okay? Like all I've wanted for 10 years is texture. And now I've got it.

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to this year for their birthday that I wasn't invited to. Who does that? Texture is normally 9.99 a month, and you get over 200 magazines, but if you sign up right now at texture.com slash crapens, you get a 14 day free trial. Oh, dude. These send me a feather to put in my mask.

Darling, I was looking in my mini-lephoto and I thought to myself, why I subscribed to just a couple magazines when you could have all your favorites on your smartphone or tablet all the time for way less. Now you have something to read while our servers go up and down this staircase at Dom Dom. Right now, uh, texture is offering my listeners or our listeners a 14 day free trial when you go to texture.com slash crap and, oh, Tom. I have been waiting 10 years for this moment

and that's like a lot longer than the 14 days that I'm gonna have for free with texture, but that's okay because when you go to texture.com slash crap and you'll also get the 14 days for free and you'll be like, I've been waiting 10 years for this. That's texture.com slash crap and texture.com slash crap and look at all texture and I have done for you. Thank you, texture.

Yeah, thanks texture. Yeah, thanks texture. We love our texture. We really do. So it's big of people who probably will not be reading anything anytime soon. Ever. Let's go to Jackson Brittany's apartment. And the song is like, it's hard to be laughing. I want to be in this paradise town, baby.

What? It's not even being. I'm really trying to understand the music on this show, but they're trying to confuse me on purpose. You know that singer is like, Lady Gaga says I'm bluffing with my muffin. Why can't I say my thing? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,

just random syllables now, okay? So Brittany is putting under eye sticky things on whatever you call them. And I don't put them on because I'm loving he's at Toe Bliss. So she's doing that and Jack says, what does this do? And she's like, it gets rid of puffing this. Do you have an entire face?

A body version. Yeah. So Brittany is like a full body version. Yeah. Brittany is like, dating Jack is hard because he has multiple personalities and it's hard to know who he really is I'm like, so why are you dating him? That sounds like grounds to not date someone multiple personalities and it's like roulette every single time Is it the jacks you insist on a ham sandwich or the jacks that wants to break me like cheese? I just don't know

And then meanwhile over a time in Ariana's apartment And then meanwhile over at Tom and Ariana's apartment, they are moving a credenza against the wall. I'm like, oh, dude, I think this got to be like 300 pounds. And he's like, you know, we've been dating for three years and it's time to take our relationship to the next level. We're buying a credenza together. And I was like, I totally get that. I 100% get that because that's literally the process.

Tom and I are in right now. We are a credenza shopping. Well, that's a big deal, you know, agreeing on stuff that you both have to live with. That's huge. And Tom really let Ariana do this because we've seen Tom's taste like it's his apartment. Yeah. This is a really nice credenza. It's beautiful. I loved it. Like a pearl front. Very, very lovely.

Ooh, pearl. Heat. It's actual pictures of Pearl from 227 on the front. I was like, I would not have expected them to be fans at 227, but I'm really happy. Every time they come home, it's like, where are you married? I've been home for two hours already. Dude, your girl's hair is so hot right now.

It's like, oh! I didn't ask to be in my hair, young man. I love the wreatha. So he catches Ariana up on the Lisa combo. He's like, she needs a weekend, bro. And Ariana's like, well, she shouldn't have been at table seven, though. Then if she didn't want to hear that because every windows that that pot makes us it tells lies. The pot, it takes the words you say and it, it scrambles them up into lies. And also as the only

one with sense, she's like, yeah, but everything Tom is saying, like he's worried that he's going to pay 100 grand and then just be some lowly employee in half no say, that's a valid concern. Oh, I actually think it is. It's really, well, the thing is, it sounds like they never got on the same page of what their roles are going to be in this organization, organization, this bar, you know, like, if they, if they needed to make a, like some sort of user agreement of, right? Like, okay, we are designed in the place.

We are calling all the shots. But as a minor partner, you design the bar menu. You are here every night for the fans and, you know, like we put your name out front and then, you know, et cetera. I think it becomes more important when they hear the hundred grand. It's like, yeah, we need to say, which I don't blame them. So Tom, too, and Katie, he's like, what really ties this outfit together as the mask? So weird.

He's like, isn't it great being married, Boogie? What does he call her? I forgot. Oh, oh, oh, Boba. Yeah. Boogie. He's like, Boogie. All I had to do was look at that chalkboard.

It's probably been right about their head. He's like, since we got married, Baba, like we're getting along. And then he tells us, but I'm still scared of her. Well, then you're doing it right. Yeah, he's scared to tell Katie about that, that Tom Sandivall may have messed up the Tom Tom situation. I don't want to tell her about Lala Gigi. So Stasi comes in and she's in this weird pirate shirt with the shoulder cutouts, which I was talking about earlier. And she's trying on masks that Tom

has for the party because Tom was invited, even though Katie and Stasi weren't. And he's like, yeah, I'm going to go, Baba. Katie's like, how's your new dishwasher? Katie's like, how's your new dishwasher? And he tells Stasi, he's like, your legs, they're tanner than your upper body. She's like, well, I can't always be like totally perfect AF. Asshole. Yeah. It's like, thanks for pointing that out, AF. And I love that he has a Michael mask to wear to the mask grade party.

So yeah, yeah, exactly. So basically, she invited Schwartz to her birthday party, but not Katie, which is such a bonkers thing to do. And the fact that he's that Schwartz actually still going is also bonkers. These people, I don't get it. Yeah. I'm just like, they maybe she just got over you guys, you know, like, we have enough friends, you know, if we lose one

I mean whatever and she's like, uh, yeah, I'm totally fine with it. We have iceberg right? It's I've subscribed to it on my Amazon pantry. It should be arriving next. It's like it's like Oh my god my iceberg is here, but no, it's actually jacks arriving to get a beer. Yes, because he can't stay at home because they're out of beer. Yeah, turns out that Brittany and Jacks have moved into a new apartment and that apartment is down the hall from Tom and Katie. Yeah, so they basically are practicing having a big stupid child. Yeah, which is nice, you know, it's before it's a practice run.

I liked it before he left though, Brittany's like, Kingsley Monroe, you know, it's before it's a practice run. I liked it before he left though, Britain. He's like Kingsley Monroe, who pooped? Gross. They're like, um, have you asked your boyfriend yet? I wouldn't know it's him. He leaves the door open. So he comes in. He's kind of like Kramer but like terrible. Yes, without the charm. Yeah. Um, and Stasi's like, um, does that happen a lot?

That my suck. So Jack, so, so Jack's comes over to get a beer and then he just starts hanging out because he does not want to be with Brittany. And they're talking about Patrick and Stasi and Jack starts, you know, he's being sarcastic. He's like, they've been on and off again, like over and over and over again for like two years. Yeah, sounds wonderful. I'm like, have you looked at your own spin-off show?

I'm talking like Chandler in honor of their friends set up. Shannandler Bong. And let's see, they start talking about Sheena. And he's like, God, she's got like some kind of hex, you know, take a picture and make sure she gets her bad side this time because Sheena will only take a picture from one side. They want to put hex on her that all night long, all her photos are from her bad side.

And so she's like, Sheena's like version of how is getting a picture of her bad side. Like, every single photo she takes, and then they show just a montage of all the pictures, and she's so right. They're all facing the exact same way. Yes. Severely facing. It's not even just like a little bit.

It's like fully, like, she's got her chin on her right shoulder. So, and it's not wrong with the other side. I don't know. Like, she's got two good sides. Sausage is just upset because she's like, she's like, I just hate it because we both have the same good sides, so we can't take photos together. We just look like we're choreographed. Yeah. They just have to stand from like, you know, side by side. So, portion, portion is at her house with her cat. She's like, do you like my dress? It's like real housewife at Atlanta with Kenya. Yeah, but then her boyfriend does come over,

which is not like real housewives of Atlanta with Kenya. Yeah, and she's like, I'm back here. I lost in my closet. Look how big it is. There's like so much room for activities. Now that I have that purple bike out of here. Yeah, because basically Shina cleaned house with her apartment. Anything that reminded her of Shae, she ditched. She turned her master bedroom into a giant closet and took Shae's little cubby hole and turned that into her bedroom. So now she's super happy. And we were really sort of getting to meet Rob for the first time.

And the good news is he seems to be able to string together some words to make a sentence. So that's already a leg up against Overshay, you know. Yeah, it's like, what is he seems to be able to string together some words to make a sentence. So that's already a leg up again, overshade, you know. Yeah, it's like, what is he doing here? Thankfully, Shina has saved all the printed canvases with just her face. So she's got her face just kind of staring at herself and her closet. Yeah, the picture of Shina Gray. Look at that dress, isn't it, Prede? Look, I think so.

My good side thinks so. Look at that dress isn't it, Prede? Look, I think so. My good side thinks so. So she tells him that she's not a bunch. Dossie and Katie, because my friends don't text me like that. Ah! And that's basically it, right? Yeah, this is where she was like,

what's funny is Rob is the last person I slept with before Shay and I got together at the first person I slept with after Shay and I got divorced. Oh, she's really really funny. Please submit that to the moth. She knows be a litter. Hey good side of she not do you think I deserve a pool of litter? Tell that dress over there that you're staring at all the time forever. The funny thing is that's like before I met

Shay I had french fries and thought about Rob and then after I left Shay, I had French fries and I thought about Rob, it's crazy, it's all happening. Yeah. So everybody's getting ready for this masquerade ball and over at Arianna and Tom's house. He's like, oh, Arianna, like, by the way, Arianna the whole time is just staring at herself in the mirror like, yes, yes. Look at the good side, look at the bad side, which is also the good side. Look at his hair.

He's like, just staring at herself. It's so good. I can take a photo from any angle. And in fact, I shall do something no girl has ever done. I shall smile in the opening credits. Tommy Moll has gone into full interview with a vampire costume. He's like, hey, all good sides are yana. My buddy ran into a faith at an okay magazine party.

I was there. I was there. So this is when all of a sudden my little antennas were like, I was like, oh my god, this is why I felt like I was in the show even though I wasn't because you know I like to I like to give myself a greater sense of purpose in life than just being a podcaster I like to feel like I somehow Influence fan-to-promp rules because I went to the okay magazine party and they said it was an add-on. I mean Tom said it was the night before

Well, that was the party. I went to with Marcus. You weren't able to go so I went with Marcus Kitty kitty was there Um, and I met faith. That's where I met Lala. I met Lala. Well, not met that's why I saw Lala again Because we met Lala the star party So Jalace, I miss everything great. Oh So faith was there and I was I was like faith. Oh my god. It's faith and I was like drunk I was talking with faith and I was like, faith, oh my god, it's faith, and I was like drunk, I was talking with faith, and I was like, girl, you need to come back on the show.

Like, there's too many white people, like we need some diversity, she's like, yes, she's like, yes, I know, just you wait, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. So I'm like, ah, faith, it's so good to see faith again. Like, in my mind, not like as a friend, but like, you know, it's like anytime you see anyone from the Vanderpump Rules Universe, it's amazing.

So people who listened to, I think I talked about on the bonus episode, or maybe it was on the main episode, then like, that was on the Thursday, and then on Sunday, I remember I ran into Lala in my elevator bank and Lala was with this guy Logan and Lala was there because there was this there's a guy from surf who's on my floor. Remember the city It's all coming together, okay, and And then that's that that whole story about how I went up to the roof My building had a pool on the roof, which is really cool. And Lala was up there with Logan and the surrogye and that girl from the bachelor's at

and they were all talking so much shit about faith. And in my mind I was like, why are they talking so much shit about faith? She's so nice, I was like, what did faith ever do to anyone? Except take a semen stained couch off of some people's hands. And they, they didn't even have to call Craigslist.

Like she did them a favor, get over it people it people yeah so they talk so much shit about faith and then they were like are you going tonight I'm not sure I'm gonna go tonight I might go they want me to go so now I'm realizing the timeline of all this is that like these experiences I had no idea that I thought I was like, like I was skirting around this major controversy on Vennifold Bruce's scene. Yeah, that is cool that that whole story is coming together now, like it has an ending.

Like I don't get it, but it's like all of a sudden like the gaps are filled in and it's like, whoa, so I was like having a moment on my couch. I don't know if this is as interesting to anyone else as it is to me, but I was to me. I love when things tie up at the end. Yeah, I always the best part of a TV show or a movie where something from a long time ago that you didn't think was gonna Come up again comes up again and it has an ending. Yeah, I felt like I was watching the final scene of Memento. I was like, oh

It's like the end of breaking bad you guys. So I'm I'm hoping that maybe me telling faith that she has to get more involved I'm hoping that's what causes this entire Resolute episode probably not I would right. I'm gonna do it that loud gay drunk was right But supposedly she said that she had already done this because she was telling this guy at the party. So Tom's like, well, like my friend was at that okay magazine party and like he doesn't even know her that well. And she told him that like she and Jacks have slept together or like, hop and sleeping together. Like, I don't got it.

And Arianna's like, what? Still staring at herself in the mirror. Wait a second. She's like, I look so good. Mad. I just realized something. I think we know Adam. Who? He realized something. I think we know Adam. Who? He said Adam. I think we know Adam.

Did he say that? He said his friend is, his, he said his friend is Adam. His friend Adam told him that he, that talked to Faith. I think we know Adam. Oh, I didn't hear him say Adam. I thought he just said my buddy. He said my, my buddy Adam. Oh, that we know Adam. I thought he just said my buddy. He said my my buddy Adam. Oh that we know little trouble maker little trouble maker Sorry, that's being involved in the plot right? Yeah, well that's not all that Sorry, I know that like really has no resonance for anyone But it's like it's not fun when you start to realize like wait a second. I know someone who is part of the Vanilla Bruell storyline

And I loved it faith knew to tell him she's like I'm gonna tell that guy because he'll tell you know Wait a second, I know someone who is part of the Vanibub Rural storyline. And I love that Faith knew to tell him. She's like, I'm going to tell that guy because he'll tell, you know, you little stinker. So I love this show. I do too. So Tom's like, I can't believe you would sleep with Faith. On the other hand, it's Jack's like he's slept with the couch that we gave Faith. So. And it's Jack's like he's slept with the couch that we gave faith. So, an area on his like, well I can't keep this from Brittany.

Like she's, she's been working on ham sandwiches. She's finally just bought some ham from Trader Joe's. Okay, like we have to stop her before she makes, because once you make that first sandwich, it's over and then there's Lisa Vanderpub plucking a feather from her thing like, make the sandwich, the bond will be sealed forever. How many slices makes the perfect time say,

and which I'll get it right one day, J. X. So let's see a set commercial came on. I have to say this relationship commercial came on. We're not covering that this week. We will cover a little bit of it at some point. Everybody who's asking, but man, these commercials, these commercials. Oh my god. They're like chef. What do you want to woman? He's like I wanted to be garbage well traveled well read, you know, like I wanted to be into doschkeevsky Good luck. You're on Broadway shower. Yeah, take a shower on your hair your on TV in your own show. Yeah

So speaking of checking their hair, we then see a shot of Kristen checking her hair in like a mirror, which for some reason cracked me up. Just because they're not really giving her too much to do. I mean, she was barely in the trailer. And then in this episode, like she did two things. One was check her hair and later it was the curse of jacks. So with her belt.

So I think are we at the party now? I think this is the party, right? And Jackson Britt, I wrote down Jackson Britt, Jack said, it's very slippery and I just wrote, I don't know what that means. So yeah, we're at the party and Arianna goes up to the door man. She's like, the password is 420, I believe. Oh my God. I know.

Like, Cena, if you want to break up with, say, the stoner, why would you make a password of something that he eats for, or he has for breakfast every morning? Like, maybe he'll come back. Well, on top of that, we, you know, let's be honest, we, we all know what the real password is, right? I think I'm going to just try one of each of the prime cocktails. Okay, great. You're in. You're in. It's like super long. I think I'll try one of each of the prime cocktails. So we know that something's going on with Faith because we see Faith and Faith has more lines in five seconds than she did in the entire season. Yes. But what was she saying? She was just talking well, let's get to the good part. Well, right. Well, I

Have stuff I want to say. Okay, you do. Yeah, you do because I'm confused by my notes Yeah, I Know so everyone so everyone's assembling at the party and the other surprise here is that Jackson James or friends now after like two or three seasons of jacks hating James here is that Jackson, James, or friends now after like two or three seasons of Jackson, hating James. Jackson now likes James and Jackson tells us that you know now instead of wanting to punch James in the face, he wants to take James under his wing and I was like, what sort of wing does Jackson really have? I'm like imagining one of those pelicans that gets stuck in like an oil spill, you know, and the pelicans like, oh, it's like James just like nuzzling up under that oily sad wing

Yeah, like you see on those commercials does those palcons cover it in oil Yeah, except no one's putting dawn on subjects or if they are nothing's coming off James is like why does my hair smell like body odor? So DJ James is on the is on the turntables.'s like, I want to welcome everyone. Once again, does she has birthday party? Make some noise. And I have a Toyota keychain here. I'm going to press this button till I hear a beep. It's a new song. It's a new song. So Jackson Christin, he's like, wow, this is the first time you've actually been invited to a party. It's like, wow, this is the first time you've actually been invited to a party.

So we get Kristen's opinion. Why I don't know, but they keep giving it to us. She's like, well, I don't know Rob. I mean, I guess I like him, but like she needs to pump the brakes because like, she's not even looking for a boyfriend. She's looking for a husband. And if you don't pump the brakes, you might fall out of the uber and break your face. So, um, Tom's like, Tom's talking to Jack. I say, dude, Jack's like, we got this like Tom Tom bar and like, Lisa's like totally

real wrote me over it and it's like, I don't know, like I'm putting up my money, but she totally heard me, dude, and I'm worried that she's mad at me. And Jack's like, uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, Jack's as helpful as always. He's like, good luck. And notice that Jack's immediately wants Tom's help right after this. He's like, good luck. And notice that Jack's immediately wants Tom's help right after this. He's like, good luck. So Lisa comes in and her huge feather yeah, mask. She knows like, you're like amazing. You're like a man. So she knows telling Lisa about the situation with Rob and she's like, oh my god, for the last 10 years

This is all I've wanted and she's like, darling, you were married. What are you talking about? No, but I really wanted this darling, but you were happy at the time. I know, but I wanted this darling You make no sense Take her further back You made me accept Shay on camera twice darling right all you wanted for those years was a PlayStation 3 stop fronting young lady I will break your feathered her joint ease don't put me out on front street darling I knew like um 19 hours into the legend of Zelda that it wasn't gonna work out with you Like he was never gonna save the princess, you know, and that's like that means something

She's like don't minimize Zelda Same on me for helping a broken bed convinced me twice What am I cannon convinced me twice. What am I, Ganon? So let's see, she's like, I don't know that Sheena is the most reliable source in these cases, or any case actually. She said at the wedding that she had butterflies for Shea,

butterflies! It's true, it was only nine months ago that they show a couple of sheeners saying, like, every time I kiss Shay, it's like the first time again, I get butterflies and I just feel like it's just gonna last forever. It was amazing.

It was amazing. Lisa's like, for real, do you mean it? We're leaning against a tree on wood chips together. Do you mean it? It was amazing. I think it's sort of sad that Shina and Shia never renewed their wedding vows, which is like, I feel like getting divorced on Bravo without renewing your wedding vows first. It feels like a letdown.

How did she not do that every year? Yeah. She seemed like a good teacher. She's so good at that. Yeah. How could you get glass in my fat on my third vowel renewal? You know, by the way, you know, there's only one person who has survived that curse. And it's Lindy and Demante

from Game of Crowns. Because didn't they renew, don't they renew their vowels every year and they've like released delves into like Providence, Rhode Island? Well, maybe if your show is canceled, like it breaks the curse. But also guests, well, so survived at least in can. You're right. You're right. I think we got a hint to why that survived.

Because of the swing. Maybe their swing is, it's a hint. I'll think about it over the weekend and let you know Monday. So she's like, slow down, senior. Children crossing. Slow, baby. I've lost my vanilla envelope and I have a note in here for you. It says, slow down. senior children crossing. So I'm gonna end lobe and I have a note in here for you. It says slow down. I

spoke the planning commission that changing the speed limit of your relationship to 25 miles per hour. Put on a deal with so if you're going to move that fast darling. So faith goes up to Brittany and Jacks. Now, something is fishy here because faith is like, hi, I missed you. And Brittany's like, thanks, B. Yeah. I missed you too. Which Brittany's not mean to anybody. And she was really short. And Brittany's like, you look so hot. She's like, yeah, you look hot too. I mean, that tone is like, you look like a whore who heard break after, you know,

break after spin off and learn to make sandwiches to get me permanently paying my own rents, lore. I think they were just confused to see a black person. They're like, what? Unvenorable rules. Aren't you the girl with the couch? Isn't that couch filled yet? So let's see, Jack. Yeah, Jack's the song to some realtor is like, I'm a realtor and Jack is like,

well, if we get a kid, we're gonna need a house. And he's like, what? A kid, Jack, wow, it seems like we're going the right direction. I'm learning how to make ham sandwiches. And he's talking about children. Wow, our relationship will not be rocked in any possible way, not even tonight of all nights, not even by that girl's faith.

I mean, he even did an image search on the sales website for a ring that he showed my mom a picture of on his phone. Maybe he really is serious. Like, he did not buy the ring, okay. He's like, look at this picture of a ring. Oh, that means so much. Diane.

Oh, poor Jared. Who Jared? Sorry. So, yeah, so Tom Cady and Stasi, meanwhile, we're getting wine, because it's the non, it's the semi-notten, but non-invities. And Stasi's basically talking about how much she loves being a third wheel. She's like, I'm third wheel, AF, I'm like a tricycle. And so, uh, they're basically just bashing, uh, Shina and Stasi's saying how Shina is

narcissistic and self-involved. I'm like, yeah, that's, that, yeah, that's why you're all here. Yeah, that's why you want me good TV. She's like, you know what, feels really good to be free of worrying about Sheena. Like, not having to worry about it and like obsessed over it and like try and figure it out. Like, it feels good.

I'm free. That's a really long sentence about getting over it. You know what, I know I could think about bigger things, like why there's a robot in my bedroom saying, danger will Robinson. Danger will Robinson. So I'm like, okay, guys, I'm gonna go. I even got a regift.

I'm like, you don't even get Katie gifts. Yeah. Like the cutest worst ever. He's like the cutest and the worst yeah So next we get a song and it's like hey You better stay till the last car. Hey You better pass me the bottle Okay, so let's be in the old so we're back at um back at the party and The thought pulls over

Jacks and is like, dude, I need to ask you about a rumor. And then meanwhile we see Faith in another room and she's with James. She's like, I'm upset. And so then, are you okay? Was it your Toyota keys? Cyan is that you, Faith? I don't know how you could fit a couch in the Cyan. No, no

It's not that I think goodness I'm like I got a question have you ever jerked off to a haircut? No All right another question if I were to say there's a rumor about you would you like know what I'm talking about? No, because you would have to be more specific as jazz The Nana Rama maybe so talking about? No, because you would have to be more specific as chat. Banana Ramma maybe. So, so Faith starts talking and she's like, she's like, I was doing live-in care for her 90 year old woman and like, he shut up and like, one thing led to another and I'll just happen really, really fast. And like what's happening here what's happening finally Tom is like he's like dude um people are saying that you

had sex with faith and then jacks of course is like what huh I never hooked up with faith I never hooked up with anybody yeah now faith has made James promise not to tell because no one on this show is good with that. But she also told that guy at the OK magazine party. So you know she wants James to tell, you know. And James is like, I won't tell. Look me in the eyes. Shhh, baby. It's OK, baby. So gross. And she said, well, he like started talking to me off Twitter.

What does that mean? I don't even know what that means. So it means like maybe DMing or something like that. Yeah. So she says that he said that she's beautiful and he's always thought so and he wants to spend time with her and he sucked on her toes. And James is like, ew. They're a waitress. That's gonna be the name of my next song. Suck on my toes. Good. Sucking on a waitress corn. And she's like, yeah, it was a situation. Sucking on a waitress cone.

And she's like, yeah, it was a situation. And then the old lady was laying there and she was just like, ugh, I was like, really? And she goes, he didn't have a condom on and my legs are in the air. And then he asked if I'm on birth control and I said no and he said, whoops, too late. I mean, what?

This is very specific. And then Jack's me, Maul, he's like, listen, I'm in a great relationship. That part of my like, listen, I'm in a great relationship. That part of my life is over. I'm like, great relationship. Again, I present Exhibit A, your spin-off show. Yeah, that didn't end well. That was supposed to be a happy show.

I mean, even Mammal ended up sad on that show. She was like the best thing ever. So then the big, then the big reveal faith is like, I haven't had my period yet. And James was like, oh, British. We'll have a little baby jacks running around. No. I think she would have the baby.

I think she would have the baby. Brittany is talking to the Gaysian. I forgot his name, but I love his hair. Yeah. He just gets right to the point I like his version of rumor mongering. He just like So is it true that jacks up with faith and got a pregnant? I just heard that anyway I just heard that as I passed the patio So everyone obviously already knows, you know and Brittany Britt and he's like, do you think that's a real thing? Beyond excasion, be honest. And he said, well, I mean, do you know, this is the best answer ever. I mean

Damn And then and then she asks Tom Schwartz. She's like, Tom, I just heard this thing. What do you know? He's like, ah, well You know if it's true, I would cover for him, but I haven't heard anything. So I can't cover for him, which may in fact be a cover, which means I may have heard it, but I don't know. Oh, I'm going to put my fingers through my hair. And she's like, say you're saying that you'd cover which means I can't trust anybody. Have you watched this show? What do you think you're on? Right, Matt. So Tom, too, it's like, you know, I believe

Jack's because like he hasn't even been, he hasn't even been getting the DL snaps. How would you know it's Snapchat? We know what he's getting on snap. That's the point. So Jack's comes up to faith and he's like, I just heard that like people are saying that like we had sex, like Tom told me that. So could you tell them that we didn't? And she just looks at him. And she's chewing gum. Which I like. She's like, I fresh breath. Which I just heard after sleeping on that couch. Okay. I deserve fresh breath right now. I'm still trying to get you the taste of you out of my mouth right now with this orbits. Are you kidding me?

He goes, oh, seriously, you're doing this to me. You're doing this to me. I took off your corns with my teeth. You know, here's the thing. Jack's is trying to deny this, but he unfortunately has a track record of both sleeping with other people and doing it on couches while other people are really close by. That's his thing.

And I'm not falling for it again because I will admit that I fell for it in season one. Yeah. I believed him because he was just so convincing. He's like, she's just insecure. None of that happened. Blah, blah, blah. And then of course.

Yeah. So now he checks. And Jack goes, if I were going he, he checks, and Jack goes, if I were going to sleep with Brittany, if I were, I'm sorry, he said something like, he basically says, why not sleep with someone who's in our circle, you know, and then they shut, they cut the season two where he's like,

yeah, I slept with Chris in. Yeah. And they were being nice, because they could have showed Laura Lee You know all of them. Oh, sure. It's that everyone all of them pretty much. Yeah, so now there's a pile of shit in the middle of the room Which means the flies here Kristen is immediately over there just hovering around, you know crawling all over the piece Yeah, and Brittany's like well, Jackson's done a lot of that that thing But if this is true, I'm gonna drop kick both their asses and their dead to me That's not true. We all know that that's not true and then she's telling her friends. I moved here

I changed my life for this man That's on you honey pie His life as well as well documented on TV, okay, and now you're a star Yeah, and Chris is like I want to I want to bash Jack's ball into sledgehammer. But I want to do it over the pants. We don't have to look at it. I'm going to put the tea towel over. So I don't have to see it.

Fuck yourself. Brittany. Brittany. Yeah. Brittany's like, I literally don't want to talk to you, which means she is officially friends with the girls now. Yes. I literally don't want to talk to you.

And he's like, you believe it, really? I'm being set up. I'm being set up. It's like the 9-11 conspiracy. Everyone needs to set jacks up. So then Kristen yells at him and she's like, you are not allowed to come home. You son of a bitch.

You don't even believe in there. Where you can't kick people out of other people's house. If you're a person, you can. Yeah, she does. So, Kristen isn't getting a reaction, so she goes outside to faith. And she's like, you need to go talk to Brittany. She's like, I'm not talking to you. You are not my friend.

Then just talk to Brittany. You're not my friend. The show. I love it. My heart was counting. So good. What an amazing way to... They also know how to have a good opening episode they really do I think it's been very few times where we've said yeah the opening episode

was good we're just getting back into the flow they almost almost always come back with a bang yeah so good and god I want to know a faith is pregnant and I think James is right when he says if she's pregnant she'll keep that baby. Yeah I trust she will keep that baby. I'm very very excited to see what happens. I can't tell because everyone says that faith is a pathological liar. I mean that's what Lala and her friends were saying up at the pool that time and the word on the street is that she is a big liar but but so is Jack's. So it's like an unstoppable object with hitting an unbreakable wall. What's going to happen? It's just such an odd way to lie. Like we bound next to the old lady, I was 95-year-old

lady, I was supposed to be taking care of. It's weird. And then he just like came too fast. Like it's just so awkward and weird, you know. I feel like when people lie, they make themselves look better, not worse. Yeah, it's very strange. I'm excited to see how it all unfold. I think we have a great season ahead of us. We sure do. Let's pray for a baby, guys. Pray for a baby.

I have faith. I have faith to. So, um, in the meantime, I have faith that tomorrow we will be back to talk about the Below Deck Season Finale. That's your almost most the longest podcast ever, but it was worth it. It was worth it. This is Van van Bruels. It's got to be treated with respect.

Welcome back, Van Bruels. We love you. And thanks everyone for listening. We'll be back tomorrow for more Watch Your Crappens goodness. Bye, everybody. Hey, Prime members. You can listen to Watch Your Crappens Add Free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today.

Or, you can listen Add Free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey. tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at 1dry.com slash survey.