We Might Be Drunk - Ep 1: Casamigos & Signatory

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

Mark and Sam talk over one more drink.

Oh, shit, these screens suck. Hey, there's my cocktail there. Oh, what do you got? What are you drinking? I went with a Cosamigos. Ooh. Because I got the bottle as a gift for a birthday present, and it's a great tequila,

and we drank it all night one night at the Fat Black. Me, you, and I think maybe Ari and Mackie, a couple people came in and out. And we got so hammered. We walked outside. The sun was out. And then the next day, I remember texting you at, like, 6, and you're like, dude, I'm in so much pain. I'm like, me too. I've been puking all day. My head is killing me.

Oh, dude. Those were like... Those felt like grungy Rat Pack nights where... Yes. ...we'd be trying to leave and you'd be like, ah, I got to go. I just got off the road. And one of us would be like, one more drink. And you'd be like, all right, what the hell, you know?

Exactly, because we used to get shit-faced together all the time. We were in our 20s. We had more time. And then we started getting busier with the road. And you're doing sets here. I'm doing sets there. So when we got together, it was like we couldn't each other you know we had to just keep boozing yeah you like you look for the you look for the hang it's like when you're young comics and you're open micers you get that every

night but when you're when you're older and you're on the road you don't you don't see your friends as much so you're like shit we got one night to do a week's worth of drinking exactly exactly yeah and then we got free drinks because it was the cellar and oh man it was just a lot of late nights and yeah you got to pack it all in that's what's so hard about the pandemic is i mean obviously this the comedy part sucks but the hang like we just set this table for hours and it was like therapeutic and then now that's why we do this shit dude you're so right and that was the thing about the comedy cellar is that they wouldn't kick us out. So we'd be around the corner at the Fab Black Pussycat. And we look down our phone thinking it's 2 a.m. and it'd be 6.

Like constantly. We're like, how the fuck? Because there's no windows. They just block off the door. So it's like you may as well be in a casino at that point. You're just like, I'm just drinking. There's no time anymore. No time.

It's all free and then liz the the person who runs the cellar lives two blocks away and she's a booze bag so if we're drinking she's like great and she wants to get drunk so she'll keep it open later you know it's 5 a.m no one closes liz will drink dirty martinis out of a pint glass like a boss she is the boss but that's that's where like a boss comes from maybe you drink like a boss bosses probably have to drink yeah because she's got all that weight on her shoulders the scheduling and the tv stuff and the annoying comedians bothering her so when she god when she has the the the chance to tilt one she's gonna do it she's trying to have a drink and some comic comes in like, did you see my tape?

She's like, fuck off, leave me alone. Exactly. Every comic. The comics that walk in and shake every fucking hand. Will COVID stop that? I know, Jesus Christ. Enough with the handshaking. Even in the movie Comedian, Seinfeld's like, we just shook.

We got it. Yeah, so it's like he feels it too it's not just a networking thing it's like a thing of a drunk sure because like drunks will like shake your hand and like do it and like we just shook come on right what you get one shake one shake it's it's kind of an acceptance thing like hey guys i'm here you you accept me you know you barely know me but please shake my hand that means i'm in yeah how about you earn your end how about you say something funny or or grab us not just a shake because you're using social norms as a way in you're kind of abusing it yeah it's tough it's

tough yeah it's tough because we're already uncomfortable so when you put in the uncomfortable position we're just like all right we're. Whatever you need to make this go away. Right, right. I know. It's tough. But by the way, Casamigos, George Clooney, right? Sold it. Made like a billion dollars on it.

Unreal. Who would have thought the liquor biz was the way, you know, it's like Jay-Z and Puff Daddy and Sammy Hagar all like made zillions off of liquor. We should, we should make a liquor brand and like, just try to, just on the chance that we pop. Yeah. I mean, we're not going to, we're not going to pop like Clooney, but we might pop enough. Right. The rock has got the rock. Well, the rock has Terra Mana. That's the big one. The rock. I got that in the freezer. It's pretty good. What's Terra Mana? It's like another blind. It's the big one. I got that in the freezer. It's pretty good. What's Terramana? It's like another, it's like a Blanco tequila,

silver. God, am I told I say Blanco. Ugh, I hate it. That's not quite his character. The Rock has Terramana. It's good.

And then, remember Corolla had Mangaria. Does he still have that? Still has that. He's got Brose. It was another one he had. I think he cleaned up on that shit i'm sure yeah it's a good move i mean you get something it's like normalizing a kind of pussy drink but you put right a man thing in front of them they're like oh we could have it you know also oh sorry my fucking computer's being weird yeah also it's like it's a genius sale because

if you like if you're a fan of a guy you'll buy his shit and everyone wants to drink anyway so you get that perfect like tiger woods sells a watch i'm not gonna buy that watch even if i like him but yeah i still need a drink so it's a pretty smart investment. I'll tell you though, Tiger Woods sells a lube. I might listen. Something about, something sexual he could get me to bite because he is a legendary poonhound. Ah, one of my old jokes. Tiger, how many supermodels did you fuck tonight?

Four. All right, all right. Remember, Geraldo had a bit, something like how they don't understand sex addiction, but I bet to his wife, he was like, there's some things that I bet you don't understand. Like, I don't understand your obsession with shoes, but if a pair of free shoes knocked on your hotel room door every night, you might keep a pair.

I was like, oh, that's a fucking great angle to like defend the cheating great angle yes so good so good the giraldo val valedictorian of columbia university was it yeah i mean brilliant guy anyone just saying regis do you ever get bummed that we don't like we didn't get to hang out with giraldo at the cellar a little bit yeah but i think he was a little squirrely like Like I met him once or twice, cause I was such a fan and I like paid money to go see him at Gotham once and once at comics. Do you remember?

Yeah, I sat next to you at comics. Oh, that's right, yeah. Yeah, it was you and me. And we listened, my friend was recording the set. My friend, Elliot was recording the set. And he couldn't listen to it cause every other joke one of us would be like, oh shit was amazing we'd be like nerding out ah that's great yeah yeah he was so fun but like list has this famous story about you know 20 years ago over david tell in

uh maine or some crazy thing and david tells like we're drinking tonight and i'm gonna drink you under the table and this was like i'm 20 years younger than you i'm a boston drunk let's bring it on he said three hours and he was like no more no more please sir please i'm sorry and i think i think gerald it was the same way this is like the kid in unforgiven who's like i can murder a guy and tell us eastwood like you don't want any part of this shit exactly yeah this is another level there i'm way more of a drunk and a deviant than you. Plus I think there was some blow involved and all that. So you couldn't keep up with,

with Dave's. He's the Yoda of jokes and drinking. He's like Yoda meets Hemingway. Cause there's like, there's like a, there's like a, yeah, there's like a lyrical nature to his humor and sit and,

and, but then also the drink and you're like, fuck, I, I didn't, I, we didn't know a tell when he drank. We we didn't we knew him since he's been sober he's still fucking brilliant but uh yeah i know him uh dane cook never drank oh nick griffin was a booze bag

apparently if you don't know nick griffin look him up right now if you're watching this because what 11 or 12 are the best Letterman sets you've ever seen. If you like jokes, watch Nick Griffin. Unbelievable. Great writer. I see him at park shows and shit. Like, he's out there. He's writing new jokes.

Have you heard his jokes on the couch? He has a chunk on couches. Oh, dude, he's the best. It's killer. I love his joke where he's like, he's with these celebrities. They're always complaining. The paparazzi is bothering me. Oh yeah. Visa's bothering me.

So good. Yeah. He's got those bits about how like Brad Pitt complains and how you kill for those complaints. I mean, he's, he's killer. He's one of the best, but who knows this business is all topsy turvy. It's life is topsy turvyvy man it's all good i'll tell you what i'm drinking because uh oh please you told me i love the casamigos choice love tequila it was between tequila and scotch tonight for me uh those are my two those are you two i like doing a little wine in the winter too a little red wine oh yeah why not but uh i don't even know

what this is it's my agent our old agent hillary robbie got me this it's a nice scotch But I don't even know what this is. It's my agent, our old agent, Hillary Robbie, got me this. It's a nice scotch. Wow. I don't know. It tastes delicious. It's really, really good. Is it peaty? Is it?

It's a little peaty. It's not that, it's not like super, I mean, shit, man. I love a good, like, Lagavulin, that's the shit, right? So good. So smooth. Yeah. That was like, that gave Amy Schumer major smooth yeah that was like that gave amy schumer major points that that was in a rider that i'm like oh she she drinks peaty scotch right

i know that's amazing just on ice or or neat so good no it's just a really it's just really smooth it just doesn't even taste like i mean the will still give you a hangover brown liquor will still me up that's why i was a big whiskey, bourbon, rye, scotch, loved all that shit. But Bert told me that, A, tequila is, or maybe it was Ron White. Tequila is the only liquor that's an upper. And it's a better hangover because it's clear. Yeah. No, I'm sure.

I mean, you got to go easy with the brown stuff these days. But damn, dude, it is good is good like i do like this shit and it is fun to like look through your liquor cabinet and realize like oh like your reps just like there's i'm never gonna go through all this shit that's so like that's such a like agent gift they're like here's a bottle of scotch i'm like perfect yeah and it's such a weird thing that they're like hey keep your life in order make us money but here's poison it's a weird message but hey i'll take it i mean it also kind of shows we don't actually have a problem like we like we like the sauce but i got a full bar card over there and i don't hit it that often so no if we had a problem they wouldn't get us one nice bottle they get us like eight

shitty bottles right yeah that's the problem the guy with the fucking nips you know those minis hey that could be a bit like is it you're somehow more of an alcoholic if you have less booze oh i mean that that was like a thing i remember bukowski had that book uh hollywood it's because they made that movie barfly where mickey rourke is basically playing bukowski yeah i think in one of the scenes he like took a sip and like didn't finish it and he's like that's bullshit a drunk always finishes it ah there you go he's calling out me by the way mickey rourke's probably like i know what a drunk does i'm struggling here like clearly the guy's got some baggage you know but uh what happened to that guy he was like the biggest he was a great. He was like a huge A-lister hunk, like sexy guy out of the gate,

like this James Deeny kind of Brando quality. So handsome. So handsome. And then now he's like this weird, cool plastic surgery nut. Well, he was, you know, I think a damaged guy, very like super handsome, great actor. And then was like, I want to be a boxer. Oh, I didn't know that.

He was like the Logan Paul of his day. He was all boxed. Wow. So he would box people. And I think he could fight, but he's not like a fucking pro. So he got his face pretty badly fucked up and got some plastic surgery. And I think that's when it begins and i think that's why he he looks how he does i think he would age much better than wow that's

fast and it's also interesting that like he tried to get back in acting when his face was fucked up so his agent when they got the wrestler was like finally we got a gig for you where you can look like ass and you look like you've been mangled it's a perfect gig that's a great agent it's a great movie great movie great there are a lot of comedy uh parallels in that one too oh my god right when they're like you see how they're like bonding the old wrestlers like oh shit that's comedy i like the at the fucking uh autograph sign and you're like oh that's that's comics like texting on cameo like are you on cameo right whatever yeah and you know they were comparing like i got three ribs broken i broke my ankle that's like us like i bombed here i lost this this tonight show gig i fucked that one up i

lost that tv pilot whatever it is yeah our scars are emotional that is like um do you ever like were some of your early jokes about drinking you you have so many drinking jokes yeah so many you're right what you know uh and i i secretly wanted to be like this romantic drunk comic but i think you kind of grow out of that yeah well you either got to live it or you got to grow out of it because like the the drinking comic is cool in their 20s but then like you hit your 40s or 50ifties and you're like, this is like, this is a choice at this point. Right. Right. This is who I am. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, no offense to Bert, but I, that's gotta be a bit of a monkey on your back. Like, all right,

I got to get shit face now and I'm pushing 50, whatever. Like that's tough. Well, yeah. Worry about the guy. Yeah. guy yeah i mean he's it's weird he's super healthy in some ways i know i know he's fucking i went on a ski trip with the guy he out skied all of us no he's like an athlete it's people laugh when when i say he's an athlete i don't know he's like an athlete he's like a big athletic guy you know totally like he he would uh out ski all of us and then second day he was like you know i'm gonna try to snowboard and then he snowboarded better than all of us and then ari is a good skier he's like i'm gonna race you ari fell broke his wrist bird just flew by him and then he works out every day i just realized by the way i'm

sipping a really expensive scotch out of a Syracuse Funny Bone cup. Notoriously my least favorite club. Oh, it's terrible. I'm banned from a lot of the clubs because of that. They wouldn't work me. Really? I mean, first off, I'm trash. I don't deserve this scotch, clearly. But no, this is, yeah, I did whatever.

Like, my agent called me, they're like, what did you, like, what did you do? They're furious. And I'm like, like my act i don't fucking like i didn't do i didn't do any i didn't like melt i know she's picturing i melted down on stage like fuck all of you it's like first off it's a mall in syracuse it's not like our ideal audience like we didn't get into this to fucking perform next to a cinnabon and spencer's gifts it's not like where comedy lives, you know? Right. Yeah. It's actually next to a Toby Keith's. That place was a soul crusher. The hotel was weird. The town sucks. The people suck. Oh man, I hated that weekend. And that's a real, your opener is going to do better than you weekend. Because my opener was always some hack.

Shit, I'm just now I'm trying to think i know i had a funny guy opening for me for sure okay uh it was brent terhune who's really oh he's great he's really funny yeah he no we both like had ups and downs so i mean it was like uh i've heard stories about that club uh where they're just the waitstaff was just talking so loud which people don't get was driving us insane where the waitstaff is talking talking so loud which people don't get was driving us insane where the waitstaff is talking so loud and uh i guess it was ronan hershberg our buddy was featuring there and ali sadiq was oh yeah who every clip i see the guy he's funny as hell i don't know him but like he's a killer and he sells out he's great he's really funny and

killer and he sells out he's great he's really funny and run on said like he's just on stage not huge crowds he's uh having to talk over the waitstaff that's being so loud and he's just looking at them he goes i hope you motherfuckers know you're doing nothing for me he just starts turning not on the crowd on the waitstaff and i'm like oh my god yeah that's like it's the weirdest thing is you're like we're kind of on the same team here we're both employed by this club at the moment and you're killing me and they don't know like they have to do their job but you're it's not their fault they're usually not if that's the case they're usually not properly trained for that right they should know but uh yeah i mean that's just not a good gig no no it's fascinating how like just the same material can kill in one city and

then you go 20 minutes over like buffalo i do great and then you go to syracuse right that's a great point buffalo is great syracuse i did a good club there once um but you know the funny bone for some reason i think they just papered so no one paid for their tickets. So you get a lot of those. And then because I didn't sell enough. And then and then. Yeah, it was just one of the also like the highest suicide per capita, I think, in the United States. I could be wrong, but I think it's up there. I think it's like in the I know like I know that there's a very high suicide rate. Interesting. I could see it see it i mean it's just blistering cold there's nothing to do and it's one of those towns where you go what should i do here and they all say the same thing dinosaur barbecue like you got a barbecue joint that's it that's the

height of culture in this town that and basketball like their college ball is pretty big they got a cool college ball situation but yeah it's and i should say my comedy there did not do anything to help the high suicide rate i think but yeah you're right dinosaur barber i know like i've been to the games there it's pretty cool the arena is pretty cool and like they do recruit well because they're like you get to play in front of a shitload of people there's you're the only show in town so i think they recruit but it's like yeah it's you want to you want to say that on stage you want to go hey i know the suicide rate is high here but it's mutual i'm with you i hate it i want to kill myself here too this is this is a nightmare but you can't because

even in the towns you still can't on there it's still where they live they still have like that's the thing you got to respect is like even if they don't like their hometown they're still hometown pride yes yes yes exactly it's like uh your your mom or dad can beat the shit out of you but they're still your mom and dad so i'm like your dad's a fucking idiot they're like hey he beats the shit out of me but he's still my dad fuck you exactly and like you can say your dad is shitty he's your dad but if some stranger goes you have a shitty dad you're like fuck you my dad's not shitty i'll fight you that's us coming in saying fuck syracuse yeah you can't say it you got to go with the flow and they're like oh look at these city guys coming up here thinking they're hot shit and you're like no no no we we have low self-esteem as well it just it just sucks here

it's cold yeah i should i should tell you what happened to me last night. I gave you the bare details. But hospital, quick trip, I'm fine. Yeah, dude, fucking few stitches in my shin. It's completely my fault. I was looking at – here's how much I'm falling apart. I see a guy who – he's like a specialist for your uh neck and shoulders he's a he's a massage therapist and he's really good and i leave there and i'm like all right i'm in so much pain in my back i'm in physical therapy for my neck right now so i'm leaving i'm walking

home i'm looking at my phone spacing out walking quickly looking at my phone like a idiot yeah ow right into a right into a metal bench oh yeah one of the things like a like a bus stop band what kind of bench are we talking here no it's like a metal you know those like sharp ones they're just kind of hanging out the sides are kind of sharp a little bit oh yeah so i just walked into one of those and a guy watched me do it and felt like rightfully zero sympathy for me because it's like he's like i saw you looking at your phone he's like i know you and i'm like in my head i'm like extra mad because i'm like fuck i deserve this like in my head i'm thinking about like they're gonna fucking

turn the the the machines are gonna turn against us i'm like they don't have to they already have us so i'm in pain i mean i'm like fuck the blood is just shooting down my leg and i'm just i'm like, they don't have to. They already have us. So I'm in pain. I'm like, fuck, the blood is just shooting down my leg. And I'm just, I'm like kind of hobbling. There's an urgent care across the street. I kind of hobble into the urgent care. Like, can I see someone? And the lady goes, we're closed. Ah, geez.

I said, well, the lights are on. Mom and pop. That's crazy. It's a hospital or it's a care place we're closed we can't have you we don't have anyone here and i was like then why are you guys just hanging out like don't you just leave so i'm like pissed i walk out i hobble out i'm i'm freaking out uh i started mcdonald's breakfast by the way yeah sorry until after 11 we. But you got all the fucking patties and the eggs. Yeah, but it's after 11. That's brutal. Sorry to cut you off.

No, please. This is what this is. So I'm hobbling down the street. A guy sees me bent over with blood kind of just shooting down my leg. So he goes, are you okay? I go, ah, I'm hurting a little bit. Yeah. And the great guy, fucking New Yorkers, man.

He goes, let me help you get a cab. Go to the hospital. I said, all right. Get in the cab. I'm in a little bit. Yeah. And the great guy, fucking New Yorkers, man. He goes, let me help you get a cab. Go to the hospital. I said, all right. Get in the cab. I'm in the hospital. Or in the cab, going to the hospital. And immediately, the driver, I just say, hey, can you take me to the hospital? He starts driving the wrong way.

I'm like, hey, man, there's one like 10 blocks from here. Just go to that one. And he goes, oh, OK. And I'm like, I'm glad I'm from here. And then he goes, hospital? Like, what happened? I said, oh, my leg's pretty bloody. And he goes, are you getting blood in my car? I'm like, nah'm glad I'm from here. And then he goes, hospital? Like, what happened? I said, oh, my leg's pretty bloody. And he goes, are you getting blood in my car?

I'm like, no, it's in my pants. And he goes, okay, good. I'm like, fuck you. Jesus Christ. The classic New York thing. And then I could tell he felt bad. He goes, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, I'm all right.

I'm all right. So I walk in. I go through, they have, you know, they got the little, it's like an airport now. You got to go through a medical doctor to get in the hospital. So I go in. Is it COVID crazy? Is it just buzzing?

It wasn't horrible. There's a few people in there. I mean, this is, it was, it's a mess. I mean, it's not a good place to work. So I walk in and I'm sitting there waiting for them to call me and I'm like bleeding a lot. At a certain point, I'm just like, hey, I just want to make sure this isn't serious. Can someone just see me? And if it's not serious, I'll happily wait in another room, whatever. And, and the woman

goes, all right, let's like, what is it? Like, I'm like, what is this the fucking DMV or the hospital? Like what's going on? Right. Yeah. She's giving me shit. And I just said, here's my name, going through my name. What's your name? I go, go sam morrell and she goes all right is that the name on your driver's license and i said it's samuel on the driver's license and she goes then why didn't you tell me that why you give me nicknames and i was like i'm bleeding a lot i'm not with you like what do you think wow that's hilarious she's hitting me with the sass and i was like yeah lady so finally i just go this is my info please just let me know when i'm ready i'm bleeding a lot she looks hitting me with the sass and i was like yeah lady shit so finally i just go this is my info please just let me know when i'm ready i'm bleeding a lot she looks at me like like doesn't give a shit at all and i'm like all right i mean like i get that i get that you've seen worse today

don't get me wrong but still it's ironic that they call these places in new york care because nobody cares that's the last thing you know like we care about you you don't give a shit about me so don't call it care it's called urgent care come on help me out more like urgent apathy am i right all right so i uh i'm just sitting there waiting some guy walks in this old guy walks in he's high as shit like off his ass high reeking of weed and it's like honestly the only thing that's making me smile a little bit is this old man as high as fuck so he's there a woman and her husband walk in and she goes please my husband's having a horrible allergic reaction he needs to be seen and the high guy goes come right in come right in and the guy goes no he's got to go through security still so the high guy goes no no no you're fine he's like going at the guy and i'm

just like oh this is a fucking shit guy and i'm just like oh this is a fucking shit show so i'm just finally they see me i'm in there for a couple hours but they stitch me up i'm fine you know yeah god damn unbelievable so and also i told the guy i'm like look i get this isn't the top of your list you've seen some real shit it's a saturday in the er you've seen worse shit than something that needs four stitches but like it is on the shin it does hurt a little bit and he's like no i i and i said did i overreact coming here he said no you absolutely should have come in i was like all right so i'm all right for a couple things the shin i was a skateboarder i fucked my shins up if you put your hand down my shin it feels like it's like rigid it's like uh serrated And so the shin is the worst pain.

And secondly, it sucks you got no story. You know, what happened? Did you kick open a manhole and help a lady or whatever it is? Did you get hit by a car? The phone. That sucks. Well, I mean, the no story is kind of the story, though, at the end of the day. That's true. I mean, the no story, the fact that i'm incompetent

is is i guess the story unfortunately now but uh yeah it's a bummer like uh maybe you can use it like uh oh i was looking at my phone i was plugging my new special you know or something like that just somehow you can get something out of it yeah uh yeah it's annoyed i'm annoyed that this is how it happened but then you're just like thank god it wasn't worse you know you're just yeah there's something there i'll crack it i'll get us i'll get some bit out of it the idea definitely the funny thing is like new yorkers are just such fucking trash unless it's an emergency they're just really like garbage and then like they're like oh shit this guy's hobbling, I'll help.

But like any other time, any other time they're like, go fuck yourself. I mean. Yeah, exactly. We'll crack it at some point. At least, you know, in New York, you got the high guy, you got the cabbie guy who's funny,

you got the sassy nurse. It's like a little adventure everywhere you go. So you get that fun part of like, it's entertaining at least. Every New York, it does feel like you get like a taste of after hours at scorsese movie right exactly yeah there's all these characters like somebody had to cast that sassy nurse it feels like you know but it's just real do you ever go to the when's the last time you went to the er i'm a big avoid the hospital guy like two things I never do is call the cops and go to the hospital. I just, I don't want to involve them.

The civil service workers scare me for some reason. Because it's just too, anytime that's going down, it's never good. So I like to just avoid all that shit. But I tore my sack open in college. And I had to go to the ER. And it was a nightmare. What was his name? It was rough.

I got into a fist fight at a party in college in the backyard. Oh my God. I was losing the fight. So I jumped over the fence in a moment of cowardice and the fence had like spikes up top. It was a black wrought iron fence and I caught the sack on the, on the leg over like on the straddle. And I, uh, I tore the sack and I caught the the sack on the on the leg over like on the straddle and I uh I tore the sack and I had to run I remember I was dangling by my jeans and they all were laughing I was on the

other side of the fence hanging there they're like look at this fucking idiot you know oh dude gave way I ran home went to the hospital uh but they had to sew it up in front of me it was a nightmare oh my god yeah you got your sack ripped up by being a coward. That sucks. Yeah. I mean, in my defense, I hung in the fight for as long as I could, but I was losing so bad, and I had to get out of there. But, man, it was like out of a movie.

I got a big needle in my sack. The guy's asking about the – he's like, you like the Tigers? What are you, a Saints guy? And he's like stitching me up. And then the hot nurse – Oh, LSU? LSU, yeah. Yeah.

The hot nurse comes in, and she's putting Neosporin on my freshly sewn up scrotum. Oh. And I got the acorn dick. It's cold in there. It's cold, yeah. It's a nightmare. Oh, fuck. Had to wear a jockstrap for two months.

It's hilarious that we get like, because I think that's a common male thing is that if you get like shrinkage before a testicular exam or something, you're in your head. Like the fucking, like the doctor's going to the next room. Like we got a tiny one in fucking room five.

Like, I don't know why that's so in a, but like every guy, if we're not at our fucking best penis wise, I don't know why we do so in a, but like every guy, if we're not at our fucking best penis wise, I don't know why we do that. In their defense though. Wouldn't I would do that. I'd be like, geez, we've got a real, uh, frightened turtle and in four B. Are they leaving the other rooms? Like you should fucking, you should try to get a second look. I mean, this is fucking special.

Like we should misdiagnose it just to get a second peak, you know? Exactly. Exactly. That's, you know? Exactly, exactly. That's what I would do. So I assume they're doing that. And she was, like, 25. She was young. And she's probably like, Jesus, guys, poor thing can't pleasure a woman with that thing.

It is funny, too, that, like, the idea that, like, what do you say when a guy will fight? You say he's got balls. Oh, interesting. You literally didn't have balls. You ran away to the balls. you say when a guy will fight you say he's got balls oh interesting you literally you literally didn't have balls after you ran away to the balls your balls got shredded yeah they got shredded you're right and on a fence here's the craziest part i went to bed i passed out at home yeah woke up went to work because you know you're still drunk you just get up and you go and i was yeah

i was a waiter at the time and i was like god my balls are stinging my sack and i went to the bathroom and it was torn open i didn't even know it because i blacked out and i saw a ball that's fucking gross it was what it looks like a peach pit it was wild i panicked and i just ran to the hospital crazy college you went to uh tulane you probably had some wild drunk nights yeah absolutely i mean that roofie story is from uh from the deke house oh i know it on broadway sure yeah yeah a lot of a lot of drunken nights there definitely uh i mean new orleans is a wild wild city that is it really is it's like a dangerous town i mean i do remember uh shit i mean you must have seen so many how many mardi gras have you been there for like almost like when when's how when's the first mardi gras you

went to oh i mean i was a baby there's pictures of me on my dad's shoulders you know at like four you know catching beads and shit i remember at like four, you know, catching beads and shit. I remember seeing like boobs, you know, in the French Quarter at Mardi Gras, all that shit. You throw beads at another four-year-old, you're like, show me your tits. Yeah, exactly. Just a flat little girl.

But yeah, show me your diaper. But yeah, it was just part of the culture. It's like, you know, it's like going to Little Italy. It's like, I always say New Orleans in the U.S. is like, it's like what Montreal is to Canada. Oh, yeah. It's got that, like, kind of French influence, but then also there's nothing like it in America.

So it could be, like, not part of our country and be like, oh, yeah, that makes sense, you sense you know yeah yeah if montreal was molested young because obviously we got so many more you know issues and uh vices here we got the prostitution and the strip clubs and the corrupt politicians i mean it's like it is a classic like i want to know more about yours there's no politician there like you just picture every governor out of louisiana like every fucking mayor new orleans to be playing like at some shady poker game at four in the morning yeah yeah biting a cigar whiskey but when katrina happened all these uh like what do you call it televangelists and like religious people like that was god trying to teach you guys you guys are so

gross and dirty it was god trying to wash you of you guys are so gross and dirty it was god trying to wash you of your sins and we're like yeah shut up you fucking pussy the same oh dude televangelist like i don't know how the fuck they sleep at night it's a it's such a remember joel osteen was like the whole thing like you need to love that name you got to take care of people and it was like the flood in houston he was like get the fuck out of my church get out of here yeah he's like we just did the carpets get the fuck out of my church. Get out of here. Yeah. He's like, we just did the carpets. Get the fuck out of here. I know who,

I don't even blame those guys. Cause they're obviously like just grifters and shit like that. But like these people fall for that shit. I guess, I guess everybody just needs a, needs something to follow. It's also like you get to a point like Joel Osteen, where you've been rich too long that you're like,

yeah, you can't be, you gotta like get weeded out at a certain point. If you play in arenas as a televangelist, you're fucking, you're horrible. You're full of shit. I know. I know.

You've made so many, you've lied to so many people that you've bought a fucking dome. That's got to be the cap. You're done. If you're all about God and you're driving better than a mercedes some shit shady going on right if you're all about like fuck material possessions i'm like all right but let me see your home i want to see what your home looks like i want to see you

practice what you preach a little bit you know yes exactly exactly i i don't get how anyone can fall for them and then you ever watch those guys like sometimes i'll like i'm flipping through i'll leave it on and it's just horrifying it if i saw that i think i followed one of them at the syracuse funny bone but they're just oh god i do all these big act outs and oh it's so creepy fucking it can never follow an act out it's always no i can't do it that's very central so uh tell me some shit like what's what's something you're enjoying in this? Like is there any shows, any like, any just life things, any movies?

What are you doing, man? Well, I want to try to, because everybody recommends the same things. You know, you got to watch this. You got to see this. You got to see this. So I try to go outside the box. By the way, I'm six episodes into The Crown.

Loving it. Really? Yeah. Me and the lady watch it. We love it. Really? Yeah. Me and the lady watch it. We love it. It's a good with the girlfriend show because it's like it's got the historical factor. I like

shows where you're like, did this fucking really happen and send you to Google too? Yes. I mean, how great is the slimy brother guy who's got a, what is it? Abdicticated? Abdicated. Yes.

Oh, my God. Fucking Nazi bastard. Yeah. So, and apparently, obviously, just like you said, we Googled. He wrote a lot of those letters. Those are real. Yeah. Crazy.

He's a scumbag, dude. Scumbag. And he's such a slithering, slimy weasel. It's so fun. And just the power dynamics and the optics and all that. It all registers today. It's so funny to be like, like, look, what was I gonna do, burn a bridge with Hitler?

And you're like, yes, that's what you do. You kind of burn the Hitler Bridge. Exactly. But he's Kim Jong-il now. You're like, I don't know if I want to piss off this flat-headed twinkler. But, yeah, it's funny. We're're all humans it just keeps repeating the human nature speaking of kim jong-il best remember kim jong-un gerald had a bit where he goes how short do you have to be to have a napoleon complex in north korea what a fucking line

one liner where you just just like, bam. Damn. And that's a smart foreign policy joke that everybody can get. Totally. Yes. So the crown is what you're into right now? No, no, crown. Too many people already like the crown.

People know about the crown. So I went a little more obscure. Salacuse, our mutual pal, director of your new special, and, you know, photographer friend extraordinaire. Great guy. He's photographed everyone from Rihanna to Noah Baumbach to anyone you could think of. Rappers. Just amazing eye.

Yeah, he's a beast. He's got everybody. He recommended a, we share a, I don't know, I don't want to get too candid here, but we share, he got me hooked up on a fake cable service. Oh, I've heard about this. Not fake, but shady. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I love it. It's great. It's janky. It's shady. It's weird. It's under the table, but I love it. It feels like the 90s again where I got, you know, remember when the kids had the box?

Yeah. Kazaa. LimeWire. Yeah, yeah. It's all that shit. Remember, like, that's what we'll tell our Kazaa. Like that. LimeWire. Yeah, yeah. It's all that shit. Remember, like, that's what we'll tell our grandkids. Like, you get to stream porn. We have to download the whole thing before we watch it.

I used to print porn. I had to wait for it to go. Oh, dude, I ran a porn magazine in sixth grade. What? Yeah, my friend and I ran, we called it Play Amigo. His dad had a color printer. So we were like, why don't we just print out, why don't we just print out a nude poster?

It was just like Baywatch, like Donna D'Erico's naked. Let's use that one. Oh, yeah. And it would just be like Play Amigo. And it would just be a few pages. And I remember I had a great teacher. He passed away not too long ago, Mr. Jones. Old gay man, was such a good guy, such a good teacher passed away not too long ago mr jones old gay man was so such a good guy such a good teacher and i remember he found he busted me with play amigo i was trying to sell it in the

bathroom and he caught me and uh and he goes i'll just tell the principal they were sears catalogs if anyone asks oh that's great great guy so would, like, bind them and print them and sell them? Staple them. Bind is very bare bones here. True. But I feel like you're losing more money on printer ink. It was his dad's printer, so that was our scheme. Ah, that's on you, pops.

Dad's like, I'm just trying to print out my fucking flight itinerary. All the pink is gone from all the gash he's like yeah i was trying to get a flight to dallas well why are yasmin bleeth's tits in my printer yeah yeah i know delta the delta guy's like jesus i dig it uh all right so documentary from the 80s early 80s unbelievable never heard of it it's called streetwise wow some guy was a photographer and he was shooting photos for a magazine like newsweek of all these homeless teenagers in seattle and it was so he got to know them it was so like interesting and enthralling that he made it into a documentary and like came back and shot him with you know video cameras and it's so cool it's so good you gotta watch it i'll put it streetwise is it is it

on a service or do i have to get hooked up to your legal setup that you guys have you might have to go illegal but i bet itunes would have it if you have any of that or maybe amazon streetwise but it is i mean it's like raw it's like the the movie kids but real oh okay interesting real shit i mean the the girl is a prostitute she's 14 she's got all these stds she keeps having abortions the one kid's in like a street gang he's like getting cut up with knives i mean it's fucking these are like white seattle pacific northwest kids it's fucking fascinating damn it's great. And it's so 80s, too.

The way they're dressed, the cars, there's no phones, there's no internet, obviously, and it's pretty great. I love a good doc. You know what's an 80s classic doc that I'd never seen until recently was, have you heard of

The Thin Blue Line? I have. It's won all these awards. Everybody raves about that movie. I'm pissed that I can't remember the guy's name who made it. Oh, God, he's super famous. Give it a go. The Thin Blue. It's so good, man.

Yeah. It's like a staple. Yeah. Errol Morris. That's it. Yeah, it's so good. I mean, dude. Crazy good. It takes a minute. It takes a minute.

Some older docs man like we realize even with older even if you watch an older movie now and you're like oh this is like embarrassing what's been done to my attention span ah dude you gotta watch like taxi driver now and you're like oh he fucking took his time that's what he's doing right right and it's okay it's like fleshed out and pretty and totally but but we don't give a shit we don't get to it i'm saying we're the problem oh yeah i'm not blaming scorsese movies were like an experience yes 70s you'd go to the theater and you'd be like oh this is what i want to experience this and now we're like all right fucking get to it yeah

it's a bummer that that's what it is, but that is what it is now. And everything is going to be that. And if we want to sell a show, we have to adapt too. Totally. I mean, even like the intro to like a sitcom, like was three minutes or two minutes back in the day. Now it's just like, bum, bum, we're in, you know, boom. Or you have the option to skip one or the other.

Yeah, exactly. When I found myself skipping like the 30 Rock intro, I was like, all right, you know, boom. Or you have the option to skip one or the other. Yeah, exactly. When I found myself skipping like the 30 Rock intro, I was like, all right, dude, give it, it's 10 seconds. You can handle this. Her husband wrote that, by the way. So good, dude. You watch the scenes in that movie, or in that show, and you're just like,

oh, every scene musically is insane. It adds to how funny it is. So funny. The joke, it's a joke a second. I was watching it the other day, and there's a black gay guy, and Tina Fey is getting in trouble for, like, not being PC enough. And she's like, well, you know, you got to ask twofer. And the guy's like, what? Twofer?

And she's like, oh, he's a twofer. He's black and gay. That's two for one. And they were like, you're out. I was like, twofer. Come on. So good, dude. Yeah, it's like, it's a twofer he's black and gay that's two for one and they were like you're out i remember so good dude yeah it's like it's crazy you see what was on nbc just like what 12 years ago whatever and you're like oh shit times they're moving the goalposts in that's all yeah i know and i get hope because i'm like tina face clearly a super smart, good, you know, decent human being, and she's making these crazy offensive jokes,

so you're like, oh, okay, I'm not evil. Where do you rank that show? Like, is that in your top five comedies ever for sitcoms or no? It's up there. I mean, the problem is, every now and then you'll watch one, you're like, this whole episode's kind of a dud. But that's, like, a later season, I think. That's true. I think early seasons are pretty what's

your top five not just top five straight up comedies i mean you know i love seinfeld i love i love i think frazier's underrated it's great uh kelsey grammar is a fucking beast too it's killer i saw david hyde pierce in the subway like a year ago and i was like fuck david hyde pierce it made me happy to see him just just a little hat looking fucking just like you know like yeah that's that's killer a lot of people like cheers and raymond i wasn't too into him cheers is great raymond i like i like all the actors shit man but like uh two family too much heart It's not even a heart. It's, it's the other thing of like, with like the, with a husband is just so pussy whipped that I'm just like, this just looks miserable. Like she's just, it just,

it just felt like she's always mad at him. Like, right. Right. Like it's like that movie, you ever see that movie to break up with Vince Vaughn and, uh, you know, I'm like, yeah, this is realistic to a point where like, that's why it's like, I'm almost not enjoying this. It's'm like, yeah, this is realistic to a point where like, that's why it's like, I'm almost not enjoying this. It's not like, it's like kind of half escapist and half like, like they nailed what a breakup feels like.

And I was like, that's kind of why I'm like, this is tough to watch as a, it was billed as a comedy. I was expecting a comedy. And then you go in and you're like, well, this isn't a bad movie, but it's just like fucking a downer. It's, it's two people's really, who like clearly love each other's relationship just falling apart.

Right, right. It's pretty heavy. Well, what's another good comedy? I mean, obviously you got South Park and Family Guy. That's all. I love Curb. Yeah. So, yeah, there's so many.

So many. Then there's Arrested Development and there's Parks and Rec is okay. Yeah, well, it's too many. What do you think there's Arrested Development. Then there's Parks and Rec is okay. It's too many. What do you think? Too many. No, I mean, Simpsons is mine for sure. You know a lot of them. That's top three.

I think, like, top seasons, like, one through eight are, like, all. I'd even go, like, nine or ten maybe are, like. One through eight, though, it's the best thing I've ever seen probably. Most people won't go that late. Eight? I think they'll go eight. All right. All right.

I think eight is a great season. I just, I love Simpsons. I love, I mean, Larry Sanders is in the movie. Oh, another great one. Love it. Another great one. 30 Rock kills me, for sure. Yeah.

British and American Office, I like a lot, both. Oh, yeah, love both. Love the British one, yeah. I love Gervais, man. I love extras cracks me up too. I just, I think Gervais is awesome. Yeah. He'll he follows me on Twitter. Oh shit. Yeah. I don't know how he got my shit or whatever, but he likes stuff every now and then it's means the world to me. That's a, that's a biggie though. That's cool. Yeah.

He loves jokes and we just tweet jokes i think he digs that yeah man jokes i mean speaking of any any anything you're working on anything well wait you didn't say you're you're you're what are you recommending oh for sure okay um okay i watched an old movie i'd never seen that i really liked we're throwing out obscure shit so why not i love old noir like my favorite movies are probably just for like language i go like 40s 50s film noir i love yeah uh so every once in a while someone will throw one at me that i haven't seen and uh i watched and it's i think it's one of kubrick's first movies if not one of his like earliest was this movie called the killers it's a great it's a great heist movie the dialogue is so fucking funny like really it's just a killer

script and uh sterling hayden from dr strange love is one of the leads in it uh it's great there's all right there's a guy who's like pussy whipped out of the gate and he's talking about doing the heist and his wife is cheating on him she wants nothing to do with him and she's he goes so i saw this woman she was about 35 he's going a long time with this story she goes she was 35 when the story started how old is she now like lines like that oh i love it i love it there's also a line where he says to this woman she's spying on their heist and he goes baby you better you better tell me what i want to hear i'm gonna smash your face in a hamburger meat it's just like this really was

the 50s holy shit wow man i've never heard of this oh it's killer i mean strange love has got some great lines in it and so fucking funny i'll check it out i've never i can't believe i'm embarrassed i've never heard that he's a a Bronx guy. Who, Kubrick is? Oh, yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. I'm obsessed with anyone from New York because I just picture their whole upbringing. Bronx too.

Yeah, Kubrick's great, man. Oh, yeah. Strange Love is a great comedy. Yeah, certain parts don't hold up, but then other parts you're like, fuck, this is... I mean, I know people probably trash me for even saying certain parts don't hold up but then other parts you're like fuck this is um i mean i know people probably trash me for even saying certain parts don't hold up but like yeah i i love so many i mean fucking what's his name the the main guy who's doing multiple roles in that again i'm just not cluso uh what's his fucking name jesus peter uh sellers fuck yeah i'm a step slow tonight i know these people's names i've had a couple drinks but uh same same uh yeah dude i love him tell me a bit you're working on

killers i gotta remember that killers is good i do i love noir i love like yeah one of my other favorites is uh i mean i like this one have you ever seen out of the past with robert mitchum no that's like, that might be like my number one film. The water it's fine. Really? It's perfect. Mitch.

All right. Mitchum just fucking rule. That was like a real, uh, man. That was a real manly dude. He, they also did a remake of farewell.

My lovely where he plays the lead. And I, I just, anytime Mitchum, I'm just like, oh, that's a fucking, that's a real dude.

He's awesome. All right. All right. I mean, I mean, out of the, out of the past, it's just classic noir that's a real dude. He's awesome. All right, all right. I'm in. Out of the past, it's just classic noir. A guy who tried to walk away from the game and it catches up with him. Young Kirk Douglas is in it. He's great.

It's awesome. All right, see? Killer dialogue. This fucking ripped illegal channel I have will have all that. I know. I've been to Salacusa's Place and we've watched it. And he's he's just like he's like why don't we see what pacino movies are on right now and it's like dog day afternoon uh scarface the godfather i'm like jesus christ it's got every you could watch a like a fucking jerry lewis roast from 1954 and then you can watch

you know uh the killers well killersers is a lot of fun. You'll get a kick for sure. I mean, those old noirs are just like, they're just fun. What was the other one you said, The Mitchum? Out of the Past. Out of the Past. That's one of my all-timers for like a perfect noir. So good.

All right. Now, I got some bits here, but obviously we can't get up as much, and I should be writing more. So these are so raw. I mean, this is so half-baked. I got only trash, so come at me, dude. Maybe we should do a couple just to – I might have to redeem myself. Some are so bad.

Oh, dude, I got nothing. All right, all right. Here we go. I'll try to do some because I throw most of them at you, so I'll try to do some, cause I, I've thrown most of them at you. So I'll try to do some, you haven't seen or heard yet. Uh, so I want to do a bit about how the robe and it's perfect. You're wearing one. The robe has so much range more than any other clothing item.

Cause it can be a Supreme court judge, a boxer, uh, an insane asylum victim, a divorced dad getting the paper, uh, uh, like a Pope, you know, the robe, it can go from pope to guy going into an orgy. I love that. You're either a deadbeat or on the Supreme Court. Exactly. Exactly. The robe is amazing. And I feel like you can just go so many ways.

Like, Hefner wore a robe, but so does Tony Soprano when he's getting the paper. Yes. It's got so much range. It's either like I worked my entire life to hold a gavel or I'm a bum and I don't feel like getting

dressed. You're right. There's like the Pope. It's a different type of robe. Sure. You know, cause it comes with a fucking hat. You can't just wear the robe and not the hat. Right, right. Even like the grand wizard is kind of wearing a robe.

That's true. So you got the Supreme Court, the most justice guy ever versus the fucking most evil guy ever. Yeah, it's interesting. And it's like, I guess it depends on if it comes with other accessories. Like if it comes with other accessories. Like if it comes with a gavel, Supreme Court, right? Or a judge or whatever.

Right. If you're the Pope, it comes with a hat. Yeah. If you're a KKK, it comes with a hood. If you're a deadbeat, it comes with a remote. Hey, that's great. It's like not, or maybe something like that. I don't know. I like that. I like that. That's a good way to go with it.

And also, to me, the judge is the most fun robe guy because you call him your honor. He's like this prestigious guy. We have to, like, kiss his ass. Your honor, yes, sir, no, sir. You will address the court. Blah, blah, blah, you know. He's in control.

And you have to wear a suit in court. You you know he's in control and you have to wear a suit in court you gotta wear a suit and you gotta blow the guy who figured out how to wear a robe and you know he's bigger than you and better than you and you're in the suit and he's in a robe at work that's interesting yeah like a guy in a robe telling a guy in a suit silence yeah order in the court yes your honor yeah that's interesting yeah like although i guess that would happen with tony someone someone else shows up with in a suit he's there in his robe like shut the fuck up right you're right the robe is kind of maybe the angles that the robe is a symbol of power but it is you're either you're either in charge or you're you have so little going on that you've

got power right right like your your divorced wife comes over like you got you're in a robe it's fucking noon you're not you're not having a job and he's like i know but i get to wear whatever i want because i'm out of your fucking life that's that's why we're that's it even if you're in a hotel and you're wearing a robe, you're not answering anyone. You're doing service. You're jacking off. Things are going pretty well. There it is. It's all about the power.

The robe is all about power. That's great. Even if you're unemployed, that was your choice. No one's telling you what to do. You're in a robe. Yeah, I don't feel like a lot of guys in robes are actively searching for a job. No, no, exactly.

I don't think anyone in a robe is like, fuck, a job no no exactly yeah i don't think i don't think anyone in a robe is like fuck let me get my my resume in order here no i think you're all right right right like my dad wore a robe around the house by the way no underwear it was terrifying but if he was in the robe he wasn't helping us like i was like dad i need to ride to billy's house and he's like i'm in a robe and you're like oh yeah touche touche it was powerful i'm in a robe is clean go fuck yourself yeah yeah exactly and if you oh how about the flasher just whoo you know that's power they could clear a whole subway car with that although if you're a flasher, you quickly lose the power. Right.

Because your accessory quickly becomes handcuffs. Yeah, exactly. I don't know where to go with that. But the flasher, like, in the moment, yeah, I think in the moment, the robe is power. That's gold. Power, baby. It's all about power. Supreme Court, dead be dead. There's something there for sure.

I think that's worth. Fuck, it's hard to not get to try bits enough, man. I miss this shit. I know. We're junkies. We're like fucking heroin addicts who are like, guess I'm clean now and I should feel good, but I just missed the heroin.

Well, that's what Zoom is. Zoom is the methadone. It gives you just that little bit of hit that keeps you going. I'm down to do it. I'm going to do it. People shit on Zoom shows and I don't like them, but I'll take them over like a drive-through show i'd rather like at least yeah laugh i agree and you'll have to leave and man those drive-through shows the honking the lights it's it's it's not helping me i mean if you do really well you get the wipers all right what do you got i

had this idea so like on you know sesame street is always like ahead of their time kind of and like And like, they try to teach kids, like you look at it, even like in the 80s, they're like doing shit like, well, this is a drag queen. Like they're very trying to show kids to be respectful of people who are different. Clearly a very progressive stance always. So like they had one recently where they're like, you know, can you imagine how difficult it would be to leave your home? And, you know, the other puppet is like, well, I would never want to leave Sesame Street, but it's just about immigrants and how hard it is would be to leave your home and you know the other puppet is like well i would never want to leave sesame street but it's just about immigrants and how hard it is for them to leave their home ah so they're like we should be nicer to people coming to our country because leaving home is hard but it's it's just about immigrants so i wish they would take on other you know issues like like grover when does a human life really start and you're like well

Like, Grover, when does a human life really start? And you're like, well, you like that your mommy carried her pregnancy to term, don't you? And you like that she didn't throw you into Oscar the Grouch's little garbage can and get rid of you or something like... Right, right. Like, how far are we gonna go? How uncomfortable are we gonna make it for these kids trying to be progressive?

I'd also love if they just, like, went the other way, where they're like, Sesame Street's a pretty safe neighborhood, isn't it? Like, aren't you glad that, like, violent puppets don't move here? You know? Right, right, yeah. Ones that weren't born here? I don't know.

Something like that. Well, there's also something with the beginning part. Like, it's hard for some people to leave the house, and I thought you were gonna talk about depression. Oh. I love the idea of a depressed puppet. Like, Big Bird i well i guess we had snuffleupagus but that's dave chappelle's bit but yeah yeah i just love the idea of big bird like yeah i don't want to be here all the time you know but i suck it up and i get it together i took a shot of brandy and i leave

the house but that's great it's also like uh it's funny because kids shows try to explain really complex and nuanced things to kids and it's kind of admirable but also it's fucking weird yeah like mr rogers would talk about like well i feel sad sometimes right oh you talking also like it is funny that you're trying to just reach like depressed like what kid is like super depressed like you either you either don't know you're depressed yet because you're trying to just reach like depressed like what kid is like super depressed like you either you either don't know you're depressed yet because you're too young to like put that together or it's also up if you don't know when you're watching and you're just like i'm i'm depressed right right yeah maybe a kid should know about depression because then he can know he has

it also my mom i used to watch uh mr rogers i loved it as a kid and they had a big episode about death like you know some kid's mom dies. And they had a big episode about death. Like, you know, some kid's mom dies or whatever. So they have an episode about it, which is great and thoughtful and all that for that kid. But my mom was alive. This show sucks. I don't care about this ep. This is doing nothing for me.

Oh, you ever just like rewatching a show and you're like, skip. Like, shit. Like, I was just rewatching Sopranos. I'm like gotta skip the rape episode i don't want to see this shit like it's like like mr rogers like i wasn't ready we're not all ready for this shit exactly i i know it's uh progressive we're moving forward and it's helpful but like not everybody's going through it so what about those kids now you're just forcing sadness onto me instead of helping me go through it with therapeutic good

you're good uh oh shit i had another oh oh this could be a funny angle on that too with like the the immigrant thing yeah what if there's the one kid whose dad is pumping the kid full of shit so now the kid's fighting back with what do you mean like if like uh let's say big bird is like uh yeah you know if some people want to move here and it's hard for them, we should treat them fairly and respectfully. And the kid's like, yeah, but they're taking our jobs. And my uncle used to work at the mill.

And then some Mexican guy came in. And Big Bird's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know, this is not how I thought this was going to go. You know? Or they're talking about trans. And he's like, gender is a construct, Billy. You got to remember that. He's like, but I thought the future was female.

Like, you know, it's just some five-year-old kid pushing back just genuinely. Yeah. I also love the idea of they just like, as Big Bird's talking him out of it, some like Spanish Big Bird with a mustache. Like it's like, it's like, ah, vamos. It's me. Right. I won't, it's me. Yeah, yeah. I'm out of here. My's me. Right. I won't. It's me. Yeah, yeah. Fuck, I'm out of here.

My Spanish sucks. Everything he said, he takes it all back. He's like, fuck this shit. I've been working here for 20 years. You're going to let this fucking beast of shit come in here? All of a sudden, his voice changes. What is he? He's making less than me, aren't he?

Yeah, he's taking a pay cut. That's what it is. That's funny. What else you got? I got a bunch. How about this? So I'll watch UFC or boxing, and my girlfriend is like, man, I don't know how you watch this shit.

Like, look what these people are doing to each other. It's so evil and, like, inhumane. The pain and the, you you know the physical pain they're putting on people and i'm like yeah but you watch 90 day fiance and all this and i'm like bachelorette like that's a different kind of pain so we both came to the conclusion like well they signed up they signed up they know what they're getting into but it's funny how like men will watch and i'm doing a men and women here thing but men will watch physical pain but women will never watch physical pain but they'll watch emotional pain to me this guy moving to america from nepal or tibet or whatever the fuck and

you know trying to fuck some fat old white lady and he's and he's screwing her over. I'm like, this is way... This is way more... -"It's darker." I love that. -"Yeah, way darker." -"Way darker." It's also funny how women are like, like, you watch The Wire? It's so upsetting. I'm like, you watch Handmaid's Tale. Like, what do you... They're both upsetting. We're dealing with different things here.

But, yeah, I totally get what you're saying, how, like, emotional manipulation, to me, is darker than. Yes. Then like a knockout punch sucks. But guess what? That guy trained his whole life. He can take a punch.

You know, exactly. And he'll wake up. This woman may never bounce back. Exactly. Exactly. To me, this is way darker, way more harsh. And she couldn't see that. She was like, well, you well you know you live you learn whatever

and they're by the way there's way more crying on these reality shows than there is in the octagon you live and you learn she fucking told her mom about this guy yes like she thought this was gonna work out she has a tiny daughter who's like six going is is ricardo my new dad you know and ricardo left with the beamer it's it's rough 90 day fiance bums me out man oh crushes me and it's like i get why people love it but it bums me it's like fucking candy it's like so easily digestible but this poor guy is like some dopey dweeby guy is getting rooked by some chick in Russia who's just like scamming him from all this money. He's like, she loves me. She loves me. I'm like, oh

God. It's like it's like this Nigerian email scam or a person every episode. And you're like, this is uplifting for you. Right, right. Yeah. And she's like, but look, look at these two. They're wrestling and he's bending his arm back. I'm like, that arm doesn't have feelings.

Like it'll go back in the socket and everything's fine. This is way, way meaner. Yeah. It's like weird. I'm not a huge UFC guy or MMA guy. And I think it's mostly because I just don't know a ton about it. I got, if I remember, I watched a fight with Lewis and Dave once and I got into it because they

both know so much about it that I was kind of like, Oh, this is cool. I mean, all I need is someone to like show me the way right right I'm just so into basketball that it consumes me I'm so obsessed with it and I love baseball I love you know a lot of sports but like if I had someone like show me UFC I'd be all in yeah I think because I was the same way I was like it's so barbaric it's so violent but I don't even think that. I just don't know enough about it to appreciate it on the level that most people do, I think. Uh-huh. Yeah, because once you get into it, it's very cool. And the training goes into it.

And it's very methodical and calculated. Totally. More so than just storytelling. I respect it a ton. I wish I knew more. And I just don't know what to do. So if someone was to come to my place and watch with me, I'd be like, 100 Please just explain certain things to me because I don't want to watch like a moron or be like, okay. Like, it's almost like if you go to the museum and I'm like, all right, well, can I have a guide, some background?

I just want to know about the thing. Yeah. And also I become more attached to them as people. Like I like to know about the person watching. Like that's why I love the NBA. I feel like to know about the person watching. Like, that's why I love the NBA. I feel like I know about the drama and I know about the athletes and I know like, you know, I know what's at stake and, and right. Yeah. So I feel like I'm just a person.

Like if I watched with Dave and Lewis again, I'd be into it, you know? Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty fair. And I, what I love about UFC and boxing is like that. How the fuck did this guy from Russia and this guy from Ireland and this guy from San Jose get into the same thing. And now they're competing. Like they all had this crazy backstory and, you know,

hardship and struggle. I love that shit. But can I say this making a macro here? I feel like our YouTube specials, not only are they funny and all all that but they have a lot of backstory that people can get they sink their teeth into with like the networks wouldn't pick them up these are fucking new york hustler guys who are just trying to make it and no one will buy their shit so they're putting out on their own and i think that adds to the the appeal of it

yeah i gotta promote my new one more like that in the fact that, you know, people wouldn't pick it up and it's like we are trying to put our shit into the world. Like, I think the underdog story people want to, you know, latch on to. I think that gets them more kind of excited about promoting something or into it. Definitely. No doubt about it. And you're right. it so and you're

right like if you're watching like one of those fucking cornball shows like the voice or anything if you like even if you watch like chopped like there's always one guy who's like yeah i got back from iraq and my restaurant burned down and my wife left me and now i'm all alone and then there's another guy who's like yeah i just like food and And you're like, I'm rooting for the first guy. Right, right. But sometimes that shit is so, I did Last Comic Standing. You did America's Got Talent.

I did Last Comic too. Oh, yeah. I think it was in the year after you, yeah. Yeah, and I was like, I got nothing. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a janitor. They're like, you're a janitor? Oh my God, okay.

So you're a poor guy. You're living in a trailer. You beat your wife. I'm like, whoa, whoa. I'm just trying to be funny here. But they want the story. Yeah, well, when they hear janitor, they think you're a poor guy, you're living in a trailer, you beat your wife. I'm like, whoa, whoa, I'm just trying to be funny here. But they want the story. Yeah, well, when they hear janitor, they think you're a different person.

That's fine, but they hear that. I remember I did AGT and they were like asking questions about me and they were like, oh, you're in a long distance relationship? I said, yeah, they were like, all right, well like FaceTime your girlfriend, we'll make it funny. I was like, I don't want to fucking.

No. So they made me do it one on one. And I just was like, you know what i miss honey your vagina they're just trying to make it funny and they were getting so mad i'm like well at least now i know they won't use it right good point good point they they hated me on those shows when when whenever they would do like a like a confession one-on-one they're like do you think he can beat reggie i'm like no reggie's a hack he's gonna kill me the the judges they don't like real comedy and they're, what are you doing?

This isn't what we want. They want you to be like, I want to win this fucking thing. I'm the funniest guy out here, you know? Oh, I remember on AGT, they were like, how bad do you want this? I was like, well, if I win, I have to do a residency in Vegas, right? Like, yeah. I was like, I fucking hate Vegas. I'm not going to Vegas, you know?

They don't want that. I would just give them whatever they didn't want. I was like, just air my standup. That's all I want. Yes, please, please, exactly. I don't like giving other people control of my story, of my life. Because they, especially a fucking show as cheesy as America's Got Talent. Like, I mean, God bless Harry Mandel.

He's a sweet as hell guy. But, you know, like, you're part of a machine. Oh, yeah. That is just not, that your wellness is not, it's not at all on their thoughts. No. So yeah, that's one that I'm just like, yeah, I'd like to tell my own story.

I hate what I just said to you, my story, fuck me. This is my story, this is my time. But you know what I mean like you don't want you don't want to give other people you know creative control so to speak of course what else what else you got all right all right oh wait was that your bit or was it where i did a robe you did no i think it's your turn you did you did sesame street yeah right, let me try another one. I think, like, with the way things are going, and this could be a nothing bit, but how long until we have racist rehab?

Do we have that yet? I feel like we got a video of David Hasselhoff's shit face, and then he goes to Alcoholics Anonymous, whatever. You got a video of this heroin addict, so he goes to drug rehab. We got a video of Mel Gibson saying you know Jewish slurs and the n-word and all this like how long do we have a racist rehab I think that's that's coming yeah where someone's like uh you gotta watch interracial porn with your eyes taped open I will say I'm working on a show with someone we have canceled anonymous for its animated show.

It's different. It's a different bit, but it's like we have a sponsor. So I feel like it's hard for me to give notes on this because we have a guy where we wrote in sponsors for people that are canceled. Uh-huh. You know? So it's like someone gets like in the script was like, you know, it's canceled anonymous. So Michael Richards walks in late like, ooh, I'm like a kramer walks in late to the meeting so that was like or like so i i it's like a hard one for me to give notes on because i'm like fuck i i feel like it's like not my bit but it's like hard to to riff on

you know let me let me try another one that one is that one's yeah it's a good premise all right i don't want to step on anything or make you reveal you're not stepping on anything i'm just okay it's just a hard one for me to, to jump in on. All right. How about this? So, you know, kids like we're adults, we're in our thirties. And so we know a little more shit than kids. So we can go, Hey kid, you know, don't do that. Listen to me. I was there once, blah, blah, blah. And my friend is transitioning into a man.

It's a lady transitioning to a man and i i get to be like hey don't do this shit and you know she's kind of like what the hell are you doing i'm like hey i'm a man i know more than you about being a man like i'm i've lived it is that too is that too much of a stretch because we were kids now we're adults we were boys now we're adults. We were boys, now we're men. Man, man. There's something funny about, like, do you think people who transition go to men and be like, is this good? Right. Advice.

Can I, that's, like, we talk about networking. Do they get any pick your brain on being a man? Like, you pick brains on being on a job. A comic, anything. Do you pick brains on brains on a job? A comic, anything. Do you pick brains on brains? Yeah, yeah. This is how I am now? I'm about to get this surgery.

Like, I'm a man inside, but I'm going to be a man societally, you know, to the world. Is there any tips you can give me? Yeah, there's something interesting about that, about, like, I'm changing. I'm transitioning. Is this the right it's funny also that like because it's tough like are they through their balls are going like to a place where like are they born into the wrong body right so like it's like almost like being gay where you're like oh you were born that way right that's how i assume it is okay yeah i don't know but i assume you're born i think so that way and probably with trans you're born that way i would think yeah but how about you know hey i'm a friend why not ask me for some tips you're coming

on i'm on this team uh publicly shouldn't you want to know some shit yeah it's kind of like uh i mean shit if if you move to ohio i wouldn't just move to ohio hey mark how's ohio exactly exactly i'm not saying you're you're less of an ohioan you know because you will be living here in ohio but i've been in ohio for 20 years i identify as an oh Ohioan I might have been born in New York but I think I'm I think I'm a Toledo type of guy there you go so my point is where's my uh where's my friend asking me for advice who's more of an expert on being a male than a male I wonder if they but and this is me just being like hoping I don't sound like a fucking idiot here but I wonder if they're like but I I am I am a man. Right. Right.

That's when I'm like, I am a man. I'm in a woman's body, but I am a man. Yeah. Yeah. But I can be like, you will be treated like this or you will be thought of this way or perceived that way. I don't know. It was one of those ideas that hit me in the shower. I was like, Ooh, that's interesting. But I don't know if there's actually any meat there. Depends which way they're switching yeah yeah um yeah i don't know trans bits are hard because i also i'm like i always wonder like

i always wonder i not in like a moment to offend somebody it's more like is this right? Am I, is this, I'm almost like, am I wrong about this? So like, that's my only thing with trans, but I'm always like, you know, I don't know that. I don't know that many trans people. I know a couple, I don't know that many. So it's not like a black guy or gay guy. I'm like, Oh, I can ask this. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it's a, it, maybe it's a silly idea.

All right, well, what do you got? Let me see what I got. What do we have? Okay, this is an angle I have about like how women will get offended sometimes if you assume that like a doctor or a lawyer or just someone with a really good job is a man you know like oh yeah if you're just like it's like what was what was her name you're like uh actually it was a guy

all right i mean actually i mean what was his name actually was a woman right that's what i mean so but they don't do that with bad shit it's never like a fucking murderer and they're like uh oh what was his name um her name right francine the strangler actually you know that's funny they never do it for the bad shit yeah well it's like well women want the they want the accolades but they don't want like when a woman does something bad they're just like that's not all like it was like all women it's almost like women stand together until the going gets tough right right right yeah exactly exactly yeah that might be the whole bit by the way that might be fucking done i don't know if there's any more there that feels good i mean you don't want to step on the bill burr bit of like you know feminists are cherry

picking you know totally totally take equal pay but we also want you to buy dinner but we'll take that's a great bit great bit great bit and i i promise half hour i think that's an yeah that's an og burr bit og and the women are dying in the crowd which is the ultimate sign of a great bit uh but yeah that's great they never never, serial killer. Yeah, the serial killer. She, you know. She. Yeah. A woman can do anything a man can do. All right, you bunch of rapists.

That's funny. They never do it for the bad. It's always like astronaut. You know, my friend's an astronaut. Oh, what's his name? Her name is Sarah. But it's never like, my friend's an ax murderer. What's his name? Her name is Sarah, but it's never like, my friend's an ax murderer. What's his name?

Her name is, you know. I thought you wanted equality. Yeah, it's something, there's something, it's enough to play with. What else you got? You want to do one more each and then call it a day? Let's do one more. All right, all right.

I heard this mom yelling at her daughter at like a Target and she was like, you slept with that boy? I heard this mom yelling at her daughter at like a target. And she was like, you slept with that boy. It was like some girls like 18 or 17. She's like, you slept with that boy. You're such a slut. How long do you, you've known him two, three days. You slept with him.

And she's like, you got to let him take you out, buy you dinner, be a, be a decent human being, blah, blah. And I'm like, it's so weird that fucking a guy you want to fuck is more slutty than or more whorish than buying letting him buy you dinner and making him wait and then buying you more things and taking you out longer that is what a prostitute does literally like you're getting paid just now i probably look like a super villain right now no that's uh that's killer it. Oh, you like that? I love that. It's my favorite one so far. I mean, it's, it's a, it's a really interesting commentary on,

on sluttiness. Yeah. Cause on whorishness, like you're describing a prostitute, like, Hey, you got to use your vagina to get things what are you crazy you can't give it away but giving it away is actually the most progressive thing yeah it's funny to be like you fucked him it's like yeah it's like did he at least get an eggplant parm out of the whole thing you know like exactly yeah that it's all it's completely backwards like that's the symbol of of uh a classy lady is getting as much time and money out of your clam as possible crazy i like these a progressive in the next line your clam yeah come on your

hatchet wound is a money maker no but it's funny to be like it's funny to be like uh like i fucked this guy you did okay what did you get yeah yeah exactly like what did you it's like it's funny to be like like it's a heist right right it's like when they say no you're worth and you're like what i mean i wanted to fuck a guy so i fucked him but now you're trying to get me to like get goods and services out of my vag. Yeah, that is really funny. We were like, usually sex is, like, between two people that really like each other. It's not like, you're not like, I got ripped off.

You know, it's not a scam. Exactly. But she's like, you got to use it for, you know, you got to take advantage of that thing and take advantage of him and get stuff out of him. That's what a classy lady does. It's funny, when you say to take advantage of that thing and take advantage of him and get stuff out of him. That's what a classy lady does. It's funny. When you say you took advantage of someone,

it's like usually it's in a moment of weakness or something. Like, you took advantage of that person, which means they're, like, on the rebound or something. But in that setting, it's you took advantage means you just got shit. Yeah, right, right. Also, when a man takes advantage of a woman me too when a woman takes advantage of a man lobster bisque ah nice i mean i don't know that's a great that's a great line i always thought it was weird and this is maybe a separate bit but like you know you take

a girl out and she's like you're buying me a burger you know that's it you think you're gonna get anywhere with a burger i'm like oh i didn't know we were uh you know doing a sale here like i didn't know this was a transaction isn't that weird like a burger and fries are you thinking of getting these pants with the burger from like i thought i'd get in the pants because you liked me and wanted to hook up with me but apparently it's all about how much yeah i would say i hey well you gotta say after that is like, yeah, I'm taking you to a burger and fries because I'm expecting not to fuck you.

That's why, because you're going to be gassed and bloaty. You know, that's why I got you this shit, you know? Yeah, yeah. I'm actually a romantic. I'll take you out for chili tomorrow night. I don't give a shit, you know? Yeah, okay. I'm trying to get to know you.

I know, I've been here for the long haul here. All right, all right, I'm coming to work on this. That that's funny that's why women want sushi because you're like it's light he's gonna exactly that means sex is still on the table maybe i don't know right oh yeah that's true all right what do you got let's see see what I got. I don't have much, man. Hmm, man, I wrote some unfunny premises down. Hit me with a premise. I bet we can come up with something.

Let's see. These are two. These are like just notes. These aren't even premises yet. Let's see what else we got. Boy, your skin looks great. I get that light set up. Yeah. I don't have a light set up it's a lamp i don't know not a blemish not a cut not a zit not a scar thank you nothing well i try man um i'm coming off a weekend bender

over here oh is this funny at all i was talking to a guy oh you went hard this weekend oh yeah i was in austin so you gotta go after it rogan this week yeah yeah we'll see uh we'll see what happens uh what do i have okay so i have here's an idea i had i don't know if there's anything but my mom was like she's telling me she's like oh my friend uh steve's mother passed away and i was like oh my god that's that's horrible and she was well she was 97 i was like ah so she was like, oh, my friend Steve's mother passed away. And I was like, oh, my God, that's horrible. And she was, well, she was 97. I was like, oh, so she lived a long life. She goes, but she was sick for a long time. I was like, just tell me how to feel, and I'll feel it.

You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly. I don't know what you want here. It's not like people just take you on these fucking roller coasters of emotion. I'm just like, I just, I can't, I like to feel steady. Yeah, yes, exactly. I don't like to do this shit it's you know another time people do that is like you ever just talking to someone they try to like drag you down where i was talking to someone once and she goes how are you especially in this pandemic people are fucking miserable and misery likes company so

yep someone talked to you just have you been and i said oh i'm doing all right i'm doing pretty well and she goes yeah i was like yeah are you trying to you're trying to talk me out of it right she goes okay and i was like okay fuck you okay like you don't accept it right oh i hate that i don't like people that try to uh put you in a mood that are like this is how you should feel yes exactly i like control and maybe i'm giving them too much power my therapist would say sure but colin quinn used to have that great joke when somebody goes uh how you doing good and you're like well you just gave me one option you know like you've already how you doing Like, you just already answered it, so why the fuck are you talking to me? Oh, that's good. Yeah, but the dead parent thing, or the sick mom, whatever,

I was on a flight once, and this guy was crying or, like, sad next to me, and I was like, oh, hey. And he's like, yeah, my mom died. I'm going to her funeral. And I went, oh, I'm sorry. And he goes, did you do it? And I go, no. And he goes, what the hell are you sorry for?

I was like, I don't give a shit about your mom. I was trying to be nice. Yeah, it's called having human compassion. Yeah. It's what you say. It's what you say. That person thinks they're like roasting you or something. Like, gotcha.

Did you do it? You should have been like, yeah, I killed your fucking whore. I killed your fucking whore mother. That's what I did. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, she choked on my dick. Cuts you getting thrown off of like your mom's a skank it's just fucking wailing on you yeah i'm like that little asian guy they dragged off

um that's interesting just tell me how to feel because uh i'm doing all this for you here buddy like your mom i don't know your mom your mom's sick okay i'm sorry like i know i'm thinking about a roller coaster uh yeah my mom also i'm sure you're dealing with this too you talk to your parents you're just getting a fucking list of people that are either sick or dying oh it's tough i am like look i i you try to be like, all right, shit. Yeah. We know, we know him too, obviously not as many, but sure. But it's like a newsletter now, but you know, my mom's like, Oh, you remember Terry? You remember Ronnie? Remember Joe? And you're like, yes,

yes. All right. I just got here. I told my mom, what's the news? It's the obituary section. That's the news. Yeah. That's all your mom is the obituary that and the weather it is the weather and also like whatever take your vitamins floss that's does your mom do that nah my dad there's a little my dad's more of the health guy yeah your dad's healthy oh dude my dad was doing yoga in like the 80s and i would walk in on him a little And I would walk in on him. A little ironic. I'd walk in on him, and he's like, And I was like, Daddy, he's like,

Get the hell out of here! I was like, Jesus, this yoga's not working. But, yeah, my dad's a real help. -"Get the hell out of here." Yeah, my dad's keto. He's all that shit. -"Oh, he's healthy. Oh, shit." Oh, yeah. I mean, I feel like this is a good app, right?

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Did you want this is a good app right yeah yeah definitely did you want to say a pet peeve before we go i feel like those are pet peeves yeah what do you got hit me with one well i had one thing to happen to me today that i fucking hate and it's pretty specific but i'm getting on a flight so you know you got to show the guy your boarding pass just to get in the security line and he looks at it he he goes, you know, you're boarding pretty soon. And I was like, oh, what do you mean? He's like, well, you're going to have to hurry up. And I'm like, I have a half hour.

He's like, hey, you know, you want to push it. That's your call. I'm like, you're wasting more of my time. Like, what do you want me to be upset that I'm boarding soon? Like, I know that. Get out of here. 30 minutes. I'm sure you got pre-check and shit.

Pre-check. There pre-check there's no one at the airport it's a pandemic like i just hated that guy oh do you ever just i mean i remember the guy fuck with me so hard i don't know if i ever told you this story but uh years ago maybe eight years ago or so gilda's fest remember that fest oh yeah that was fun i did it yeah not fun for me i i so stupid am I booked a gig on Cheapo Air. It's called Cheapo Air. So the Connect flight, it's like, by the way, I should have seen this as a red flag. I have a Connect flight, but they're different airlines,

which means if you miss it, neither airline is accountable. Right, right. So guess what? I missed my Connect flight. And I had to go to delta and be like hey man like what do i do and the guy is literally laughing in my face and i just at a certain point i go fuck you and he was like why i go i go fuck you i go you're a fucking ass he's making fun of me and he gets panicking and go fuck you so the woman next to me could see i'm losing my shit she goes let me help you thank god i had to buy a583 ticket to Grand Rapids on the spot, a Connect ticket.

Oh, brutal. As this guy's laughing at me, as I walk by, I go, fuck you. It's almost worth it for the fuck you. It was worth it. I already had the ticket. I was good to go. But by the way, hilarious that you spent $500 plus on a cheapo air. Like, they got that fucking – it's like when you go spirit,

and then they're like, okay, actually with the bags, with the armrests, with the water, with the seat, now it's $700. Oh, dude, it fucking – I lost my mind. What are you going to do? That's horrible. Cheapo air. It's my fault. Yeah.

I guess. I mean, I don't know. You missed the connect. That's not on you. That's the flight It's my fault. It's my fault. Yeah. I guess. I mean, I don't know. You missed the connect. That's not on you. That's the flight was delayed, I guess. Yeah. But cheapo is not reliable. It's better than deadbeat air.

That's where I got miles with them. Frugal air. I sometimes go with, you're going to regret this air. They're pretty bad. Yeah. Get your life together air. You're a fucking vagrant. Yeah.

You're a fucking hobo air. Right. You're worthless. You're nothing. Fuck you. Kill yourself air. I'm in first class. I've got a marshmallow roasting over a fucking fire pit.

Like, come on. Yeah. 500 bucks. That's brutal. Brutal. It's funny how we, I think that would bother me for like a year but that's probably what seven years ago you don't even think about it it still bothers me nah i don't blame you i'd be the same way this is a hot app man this is fun yeah yeah i like the new segments what's what's name? One More Drink. One More Drink.

Yes. Because that's what we've been doing. Oh, yeah. And I will probably get one more after this because now I've got –