We Might Be Drunk - Ep 112: Vir Das & Guinness

Episode Date: January 30, 2023

Vir Das is here; international actor and comedian join Mark Normand and Sam Morril to discuss his time in Bollywood, Touring as a comedian, becoming an enemy of India's government, and much more. We enjoy some classic Guinness on this episode. Go watch Vir's newest comedy special on Netflix, "Landing" https://www.netflix.com/title/81629989 Get 60% off 1 st box by going to https://factormeals.com/drunk60 and use code DRUNK60 Visit http://babbel.com/Drunk for up to 55% off learning a new language. Visit http://athleticgreens.com/DRUNK for a Free 1-year supply of Vitamin D Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Vir Das: https://www.virdas.in/ https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com/shop https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com  

That was a quick pee. I'll tell you, this guy didn't even shake. Should we start? Yeah, man. Let's start with that. What the hell? Hell yeah. We're rolling.

Oh, hey. Hey. Hello. Great guest in studio, Veer Das. Yeah. Check out his new Netflix special, Landing. All right. Please do.

Yeah, very good, man. Thank you, man. Yeah, very. I mean, a lot of controversy. Yes. You've been arrested. I was about to and then didn't. Oh, okay.

So I've been okay. The cops like you. Yeah, they do. That really works in your favor. It does. Yeah, cops like comedy. You walk around New York, cops are like, hey, comedy, Norman, whatever, Atel. They love Atel.

I bet the guys who arrested Lenny Bruce were like, we like you. We just have to. I saw an Indian cop the other day. Really? Yesterday in New York City. And I don't know if that's a thing or it's not a thing, but it just kind of made me happy to see one. Yeah.

I've never seen that. He was average Indian height, which is my height as well. So I'm like, I don't know who you're arresting, but I appreciate that you exist. You don't see a lot of Jewish cops. No. We're not really representing. Never seen a cop with a... Wouldn't it be weird if somebody arrests you while complaining about their life?

We do the paperwork. Yeah, never seen a cop with a yarmulke. No. I mean, you wouldn't. They would have a hat. Ah, true, true. cop with a yarmulke no i mean you wouldn't they would have had ah true true what about so for those that don't know the controversy came from this speech you gave at the kennedy center oh yeah at the end of a show it was the two indias so here's what i can say about it without uh

beginning another news cycle for myself so uh i made a youtube video at the end of my thing at the kennedy center i done a show put it up and it was kind video at the end of my thing at the Kennedy Center. I'd done a show, put it up, and it was kind of in the vein of many YouTube videos I'd done. And three days, really good stuff, lots of views. And then I think we all have the angry news channel. Oh, yeah. Right. So we have an angry news channel, they picked it up. That led to angry people, angry comments, I was trending, Angry people filed some complaints against me. We didn't know what was going to happen, and I had to turn my phone off for like 45 days.

Trending is terrifying. Trending is terrifying. When you start comedy, you're like, I wish I was trending. And then when you're trending, you're like, oh, God, this is horrifying. Cosby was trending. Exactly. You don't always want to trend. He's still trending.

He's back. Just got back from Pittsburgh, and boy, are my victims tired. I don't know if I liked that we went from me to Bill Cosby. No, no, no, no, no. Put that out there. What you did was, I mean, you know, this is pretty brave what you did, but is a part of you regret it? No. I mean, I would probably work on it a little bit more.

I think my lesson is, I wrote it at 4 p.m. That's why I have a paper in my hand. So maybe don't treat the Kennedy Center as your open mic as your new material night. Well, it was powerful enough to get by without being super punchy. I think so.

And I think also it was, it kind of came and went. Like, I think there's a six-day news cycle. And if you can find a way to shut the fuck up and just keep your phone away and not counter the void yeah for six days you'll be okay like come on school shooting come on baby so i just kind of went and and in that moment you feel like you're the center of the universe and you're really not right you know and so i think the perspective is that uh of the of the special is that is that if you can just shut up and lie low love will find you at the end of it and then i think i discovered just what it means to be a

comic you know like it's been a year since that happened but i'm like i haven't given one interview haven't been on the news never talked about the content still don't intend to because that's not my honor it's somebody else's honor to critique the content. And I was like, the first thing I write about it has to be a joke. Because that's the only option a comic has. But you were called a terrorist by BBC. Really? That's the first joke I wrote about it.

It was March and it happened in November. You're a first terrorist on the show. Thank you, man. Not your last, but, but then I think March, I finally wrote down, like I was on the homepage of the BBC and the BBC had a headline that said,

comedian polarizes the nation. Do you know how badly you have to fuck up before the British say that you divided? And then I'm like, okay, this is the joke that doesn't paint me as a victim addresses that there's a fuck up and hopefully makes both sides however you felt about it laugh yeah and I'm like maybe that can be the tone that's the goal of a comic is to unify people in the room and everyone

laughs at it right and break that tension but it's always so much pressure when you have this big looming thing and you're like I gotta write a bit about it well dude I got some strength from like just watching Chris Rock for instance like you know in in two weeks of what happened to him he's like if you want to hear about my stuff come see my special yeah but i'm not going on oprah and i'm not you know i'm not doing any of that stuff so i was like okay just shut up and write jokes yes and it's also you build it for your people not their people yeah you go and your audience will be supportive and i mean and your audience will be supportive. And I mean, and your audience grew like crazy from this, right?

It did. Yeah, it did. I think you almost have to do something great. It's not in a way I would recommend. It's a very stressful way to gain traction. So I wouldn't recommend it. But I think, I don't know who said this, but maybe it was Louis C.K. or someone. He was like, if you let somebody who's never coming to see you fuck with your head long enough that you are not 100%, but like 80%.

For someone who is coming to see you, you're being unprofessional. I agree with that. You know? So whoever is coming to see you, you owe them to send them home flying on a cloud. And I'm like, I just have to concentrate on making sure my brain is okay to write jokes. For big or small, whatever that crowd is coming to see me here here it's crazy because some i mean look you see the difference in countries here like in america you we really we complain about censorship but like we get away with a lot you know oh yeah but i think you have your own version of it right uh here like for me

that's par for the course in like a newer comedy market. In India, so many people were watching stand-up and now so many more people are coming in. And that's going to be a first-time reaction. So not knowing how to react to darker material or edgy material or political material. And you've got to kind of welcome them and say, okay, every reaction is a valid reaction. In America, I think because you've been doing it a little bit, you know, you're like, but why this? Because everybody knows what stand-up comedy protocols are. Right. And now you guys are pivoting to a situation

where the audience's voice is as loud as you guys. I know. I hate that. Which is, it's a tough pivot. It's a bummer. You know, I will acknowledge. Well, that's just Twitter, right? Yeah. Everyone's got a voice.

They're yelling out stuff a lot they yell stuff out but it's like it almost keeps you sharp but isn't that something that the two of you I always see your clips is it like a section

of your show when you're done with material and you're like okay now you can talk to me yeah usually that's what I do by the way we should get a drink out here

Akoy you're subbing in for the beer juice this week you better believe it yeah cause you're a Guinness drinker right I'm a Guinness drinker thank you sir thank you boys subbing in for the beer juice this week. You better believe it, Fanny. Yay. Because you're a Guinness drinker, right?

I'm a Guinness drinker. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Thank you, boys. You know, I went to Dublin to do a festival and they're like, you got to get the Guinness

in Dublin. It's amazing. Same? Exactly the same. Totally the same. No difference. Hello, boys. Hey.

Cheers. Mazel. First terrorist. Hopefully you don't bomb. That's pretty good. I like a Guinness. Yeah. Oh, Pat. Mazel. First terrorist. Hopefully don't bomb. That's pretty good. I like a Guinness. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Guinness is a good, it's a good like first beer. You go to the bar, you start with a Guinness and then you kind of move on. Really? That's a meal right there. Like, you know, I think they say like the average Guinness is like four slices of bread. Really? Don't tell that to him. He doesn't eat bread.

What? I'm off bread. Since when? About three days. No, no. I've been doing it about a year. Trying it. And you're happy?

I feel better, yeah. I mean, I love pizza. I love sandwiches. I love pancakes. But I just feel cleaner. And you don't do like one day a week where you go all out or something? Nah. Like a rock cheat meal or something?

Nah, nah. It's crazy to me. We'll break it every now and then. Me and him will get some waffles or something. But it's like once a month. We have this in Bollywood movies. We have the six pack diet. You know, in a Bollywood movie, there's six songs, right?

And typically for one of those songs, maybe your shirt is off or whatever. And that's brutal as hell because that's six weeks, no carbs. One week, no salt. Two days no water what no water yeah and so you're drinking like cold green tea just to keep yourself like some liquid but it passes through you quicker and you're everything will just crunch up you will look amazing really but you will have the strength of an ant. So to dance in that moment or to do an intimate scene in that moment is insane. Right. But you look damn good on camera. So if you guys ever have to take your shirt off on screen for anything.

Well, he takes it off all the time. Yeah. I keep it on out of respect for all the children out there. I don't want them to look at my patchy, hairy Jew body. It'd be weird if you did your act. Oh. Wrong guy. Yeah.

That was me last week you look great dude then i ate some bread and uh pakistani for the record did he did he have to do that though because i've read like conflicting accounts where they were like camille you don't have to go this far and he's like no i'm gonna keep going but if you if there is i bet marvel's paying for it right yeah if you're on their dime then it's kind of cool to just get shredded. And he's always an extra mile guy, even with his comedy. Always went hard. Yeah.

Hey, Pammo. What are you doing here? Hello. She works with V or hey Pammo. Oh, I didn't know you guys were working together. Yes. I thought you popped in. I feel like you're mad at us right now.

That's her general vibe. All right. Sit down. You're our general vibe. All right, sit down. You're making us nervous. We're in trouble? You've never had a woman in the room. Oh, my God. Stay like this. Oh, my God.

Jeez. What were we talking about? Bollywood. Bollywood, yeah. So have you done those movies? I've done, I've been in 14 Bollywood movies. What? Yeah, man.

Holy shit. You're a vet. Huh? I'm a vet, yeah. What's the difference between that and shit. You're a vet. Huh? I'm a vet, yeah. What's the difference between that and- Two of them were good. Well, you do those

and then you do the Netflix movie that Judd made. Yeah. What's the difference between those? Oh, cash. And also, I mean, Bollywood's a different kind

of tone of acting and it's much tougher. You know, because Bollywood, you have to reach an audience that is so gigantically broad. Right. And also, you know, I say this often, but don't think of a Bollywood, you have to reach an audience that is so gigantically broad. Right. And also, you know, I say this often, but don't think of a Bollywood movie as, you know, you giving two hours to a movie. Think of a Bollywood movie as those are the only two hours you get in the week.

So like for me and my family, like Sunday morning, the only time we got, because everybody works hard, was two hours. The entire movie, the entire family went out for a movie. So it's got to be big and bold and escapist and have a little bit of everything. If you show a spotlight, we're going to kill ourselves. Right. Broad as hell. Broad as hell. And just really magnanimous.

You need to take me out of my life. It's like a road comic. You got to kill for everybody. Yeah. Or like your Marvel movies. You know, I think that's Marvel is your Bollywood. Ah, yeah. A lot of six packs.

Yeah. Revenge stories. Ridiculous costumes. Yeah. Beautiful hair. Everybody's coming back to life. Beautiful hair. Do you get to play badass in any of these?

Yeah. I played a serial killer two years ago. I played a comic who was a serial killer. Damn. Whoa. And just like a shitty comic who needed to strangle someone right before he went on stage to get the juice to but then he goes viral and he gets a weekly show so now he has to strangle somebody every week so bodies start piling up

around this film set and nobody can figure out that it's the lead guy a comic who goes viral how do you prepare for this that happened in your life this is crazy well we had a serial killer comic didn't we bud champ really i think he was a rapist i don't think he was a killer oh i thought he killed people did never mind but he was they found him because of his tour dates they noticed like somebody was getting fucked over in every city this is like his andrew tate pizza box that was uh he's he's's in Romanian prison right now. Is that right? Was he not out?

I would imagine he would have gone to jail. He's still in. What? Yeah. The thing is, he is a kickboxer. He's probably holding his own in there. Oh, yeah. And that comic was not a serial killer, but a serial rapist.

Okay, sorry. And he got caught because the women's stories started coming together. Because after he would rape a woman, he would say, pray for me. And then they would say, pray for him. He had a catchphrase. That was his get or die. As opposed to, what color is your Bucati? Yeah.

He was a clean comic, too, I think. They're always clean. Clean guys. Cosby, Nate Bargatze. Wow. We love you, Nate. Clean guys. Cosby, Nate Bargatze. Oh. Wow. We love you, Nate. Regan. Gaffigan.

No, they're all not. Seinfeld fucked me in the ass. You know that Johnny Carson? Yeah. What's the deal with buttholes? Sorry. Wait. I cut you off there.

No, I was just saying Johnny Carson. Oh, yeah. He was apparently a big asshole. Oh, yeah. A lot apparently a big asshole. Oh, yeah. A lot of hitting the ladies. Really? A lot of throwing whiskey glasses at staff.

Allegedly. Allegedly. I just heard he was hung. Allegedly. Really? That's the rumor. It's weird that a guy from Mumbai across the universe

knows about Johnny Carson's dick. His massive dong? Yeah. All right. Epstein was hung too. But... No, he wasn't. In prison. Oh. Wow, I'm an Yeah. All right. Epstein was hung, too. No, he wasn't. In prison.

Oh. Wow, I'm an idiot. Thank you. No, because the whole doc, he's got an egg-shaped penis. That's right. Remember that? Yeah, yeah. Amen, Ari.

Look, we got a bulge. Now that eggs are harder to get, is an egg-shaped penis a little more attractive? I don't know what an egg-shaped penis is. I'm just imagining foreskin. Isn't that... Yeah, a lot of foreskin. Very thick. But yeah, the Bollywood guys.

Man, the hair. Indians got the hair. We have the hair. Whitey, I thought, had hair on lock. And then Bollywood came along and you guys took the trophy. But isn't it a trade-off to just have hair later in your life as well? Like I'd rather have hair longer everywhere in my body for the rest of my life than kind of lose it early and then

not have it on my head. Of course, but you guys should have a hairy off. Are you a really hairy guy? You got those Robin Williams forearms I see right there. God's been kind though. I have forearms and legs, but like chest and junk is okay. Let's go boys, lift him up. That's weird. That's not a sweater.

No, I'm a hairy guy. Oh, yeah. It's coming out of the top. What are you... Oh, yeah. Do you do things about it? Or are you... I complain.

Yeah? But you're not going, like, man waxing or something like that? No. Come on. Who has the time? I've done that for a movie. Really? Really?

The full body. I did it for a movie, too. It was on YouTube. Yeah. No, I had a girl make me shave my chest in like college. And I was like, oh, yeah, she wants it shaved. I'll do that. And then like later I was like, I felt like violated.

Yeah. That she did that to me. And also when the stubble comes out and just everything itches. And then she's red because you're lying down on top of her and basically exfoliating her. I hope that's why she's red. Yeah. You're a Jufa. Yeah.

Jewish loofah. All right. That're a Jew-fa. Yeah. Jewish loofah. All right. That was a stretch. My dad was super hairy, and he shaved his chest one day, and I lost all respect for him. Damn. It hurt our relationship. Yeah. Because he was less of a man.

I think as a kid, I couldn't look up to him. You just think, would fucking Bogey ever do that? No way. Would Humphrey Bogart shave his chest? No. What about pubes? Where are you guys at on the- A trim.

A trim? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I like to do it on the road too. So do I. That'd be their problem. Yes, put that pube everywhere. But what's your disposal thing?

Are you kind of just leaving it in the shower? No, no, I do it over the toilet. I try to make as little mess as possible. And it never works, right? No. It's always like- There's a sprinkle. There's always stray stuff somewhere or the other in the bathroom.

And why is there always a pube at the urinal? I know I sounded like Seinfeld there. But there's always a pube at every urinal. I go to the airport, there's like six pubes. And what's with these glory holes? The walls are so thick. I leave them in case I get lost. Your breadcrumbs?

Yeah. I'm off bread. This is a nice midday beer. Yeah, it's a little warm though, huh? What's going on here? Have you guys had a Guinness Black yet? What? A Guinness Black.

We don't care for them. All right. No, a Guinness Black is a Guinness but with black currant syrup. Whoa. So the entire thing becomes purple and it's like a sweet Guinness. It's really tremendous. Well, we got to get that on the list. I've never heard of it.

What's the one with black and tan? What is that? That's a... Whiskey and Guinness or something. No, I think it's Yingling and Guinness, isn't it? Then there's a Stormy Daniels. No, Dark and Stormy. Oh, yeah.

That's rum, though, I think. That's rum. What's in the... What is that? Guinness and what? What do you got there, Sally? Cider. Cider?

Yeah. Don't you guys have your... Oh, that's your whiskey, right? Oh, yeah. Our whiskey, bodegacatwhiskey.com. I launched a bill this year. Oh, yeah? Did you? It's called Fuck It.

I like it. Is it really called Fuck It? How do you spell it? F-A-A-A-A-K-I-T. Oh, there we go. That's how I got around the thing, but the idea is you had a good day, fuck it. You had a bad day, fuck it. That's good.

I like that is it an Indian pale ale no it is like I was like beer alienates women

and young adults and just there's this sort of macho beer culture and I want a beer that's halfway between beer and cider so it's not sweet

but it's kind of like a drink it at 11am don't get fucked up kind of a beer right so it's called the happy beer and it's just called, but it's kind of like a drink it at 11 a.m., don't get fucked up kind of a beer. Right, right. So it's called the Happy Beer, and it's just called Fuck It. Get it online.

I respect the people that will just get loaded on the flight. That's my beer. Good for you, man. You're hustling. Right? This is great. Said the two guys with the studio and a whiskey in front of them. Wow.

We're going overseas, though. Yeah, it's going to get there. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. But it's coming, man. This is a hustle. And weWhiskey.com, but it's coming, man. It's kind of, this is a hustle, but, you know. And we got merch now. Oh, yeah. People are loving the Bodega Cat Whiskey merch.

We're cooking. I've tried so hard to be a guy who can handle or, like, have a palate for whiskey. And I think, like, my dad is a single malt guy. And then I just had a single malt and Coke once in front of him. And he was just like, fuck off. You're never touching my whiskey ever again. Wow, yeah, that's a bad move. Because I did like a Lagavulin 26 or something with like Pepsi or something like that. Oh my God.

No. Yeah, they get mad. Lagavulin, people get mad if you put an ice cube in there. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I'll do it like one cube sometimes because I like it a little chill. Yeah, let alone tab or whatever the fuck you put in there. Do you guys have an RC Cola and Glen Meringue? Have you guys done the factory tour ever?

Like one of these, because you go to Scotland and they take you around, right, to these whiskey places? Yeah, the distilleries. I did the Heineken Brewery in Amsterdam. What a racket. Don't ever go, oh my God, it was so cheesy and touristy. Why? Well, it's the original brewery. It's, like, right on the canal, so it looks cool.

Then you go in, they hand you a beer, and they're like, these are malts. This is hops. See you later. That's it? Yeah, it's, like, so shitty. It's $40. Don't go. Big waste.

That feels like the Hershey's store in Hershey, Pennsylvania. I went to that which i'm which i've done which is another fucking racket because hershey's i'm sorry america not great chocolate you know hey don't you dare besmirch the good hershey's people i'm just saying you know compare hershey's to like lint or belgian chocolate or German chocolate or really any chocolate. You know, it's okay. I had a good time there. I never did that tour. You know what's underrated?

The Pez. Pez Museum is unbelievable. Really? Yeah. Why? It was just great. It was just so well done and it's a cool layout

and they got all the old Pez from the 20s and the 30s. Really fun. Maybe I didn't... It's always about where you were on the road and i was in hershey pennsylvania so i was like oh this is great yeah right it's better than the shows i'm doing in the fucking motel yeah i was literally like in the shittiest i was like ogling a lakinta across the street like i would kill to be there in this dump just bombing with

anthony devito he's just crying eating a hers Hershey, getting fed. I was in Amsterdam, and I was on tour, and the girl I was with, we had space cakes. Oh, yeah. And the guy at the counter was like, just have one, and I'm like, fuck this. We bought, like, two each and had two space cakes each, and we were staying at the Amstel Hotel

on the Amstel River. We walked up and down the river for four hours looking for the river whoa just finding people like have you seen the amstel river and they're like it's right fucking behind you and then we got kicked out of the museum of medieval torture i went to that too right just because we were taking photos like in the guillotine yeah fuck off so we got kicked out of that that wasn wasn't a bad museum. You know, none of that shit is real, by the way. What?

They build all of that stuff. Like, there's 17 of those museums. It's like a Madame Tussauds. Like, they manufacture the guillotine and just age it up to look old. You know, same thing with the Holocaust Museum. It's not real. It's crazy. I went in.

I was like, I thought this was a- There's a guy called Alex Jones at the start. Welcome. Kanye will be your tour guide. I love the love the five people were like was that a joke uh no it's uh you've been here for a while though it's like what cities are you liking versus not liking i like uh okay my favorite club we were talking about this but it's zany's nashville yeah i was there today strong indian population which i need yeah and you need your safety net but then there's enough comedy fans who'll be like okay if he's at zany's he's probably good and we'll go and see whoever the guy is right so like that

and you have jokes so even if a random honky goes in there you're still gonna laugh hopefully uh there was a couple things i didn't understand on the India thing, but that's literally an India speech. Yeah, exactly. But no, I'm not at Zany's Nashville giving profound speeches. That would not be a great evening. It's too India. Some kind of cowboy hats. Like, I don't know.

Buy my beer koozie at the end. You guys like cows, right? I love Chicago. Love Chicago. Chicago is, I think, a great comedy town. I think second best comedy town in the country. Really? New York, number one.

Yeah, I mean, I did take my last special there. I love Chicago. And then, yeah, New York. The Cellar, you know, and then any, I just, the special was at Skull Ball, but I've done like Town Hall a bunch of times. It's a good crowd. How do you feel when you first started working at The Cellar? Is The Cellar known to Indian comics? No, it's known to like how do you feel when you first start working the cello is the cello known to

indian comics no it's known to like comedy fans yeah but for me it's i mean i want to get better at tennis by playing tennis with people who are better than me you know so for me the cello is where the best comics are and it took a while i'm not gonna lie like you know when i first started working at the cello and putting it out there'd just be a lot of indian people right and a lot of the comics are like there's a lot of brown people in the audience and you kind of that was kevin brennan and then you kind of you know you build your cred a little bit yeah hell yeah uh that's the thing sorry that's the thing about new york is i think you need the comics to like you first and then the industry catches on i think i it happened because i followed chris rock oh yeah in mcdougall street i was in the basement and liz was there and he we were all bumped and i just kind of watched his new hour

and then she was like they didn't drop the check yet so go up and do five and so i went up and do five. And so I went up and did five. And until then, I was a guy from India who sells Indian tickets. And then I followed strong. I did about five. That can be a good spot. It can be. It's a great spot, by the way. People shit on it, but the crowd is so zoned in when you go up. And also, they're playing with house money.

If they're from out of town, they just saw Chris Rock. Let's give the next guy a shot. And you're the underdog. So you get to go up and go, guys, I'm trying here. And if you address it, then the crowd is immediately on your side as well. So I followed. And then I think she made me do it like three nights in a row or something. So that was fun, too.

But then, you know, I was at the comics table, I think, from that point on. Did Chris watch at all? No. I think he was out of it. He's out. But new stuff is great. It's great. He's got some killer new stuff is great. It's great. He's got some killer new.

I can't wait to see what he does about the Oscars. I haven't seen it yet, but I cannot wait. It's pretty great. Yeah, he keeps it silly, which is fun, because you can tell

he's angry about it, but it's very playful. Well done. Sometimes you need that distance, and I mean, he's one of the best at taking serious shit and making it silly and fun,

you know? Dude, he's doing it live, which is... Yeah, what's that about the best at taking serious shit and making it silly and fun, you know? Dude, he's doing it live, which is... Yeah, what's that about? It's such a good idea. You think so? I think so. Regan did it on Comedy Central a couple years ago, remember? Yeah, the Comedy Central.

I mean, it'll be a strong live show, but I've been talking about this a lot as well. I think a stand-up special is very different from a live show in that i think a special is a piece of cinema i really do because you know i've been waiting forever to have a box on netflix that is the same size as martin scorsese's box right and the only thing i'm competing for is attention so i do think a special now has to be filmic and have like a three-act structure and and have silliness and discomfort and and a bunch of stuff in it as well. And so to see him do that without any safety net of editing or going back or retrospect, etc. Like he'll have to pre-orchestrate that show.

What if Will Smith is in the crowd for the show? Just rushes the stage like, you fucked this up. That'd be a great closer. Bring it all around. But I think you'll be able to do it. I really do. I think so, too. Yeah.

I mean, if anyone can do it, it's him. And, you know, he's been doing it for so long, you know. But I once heard him say at the cellar table, a new special needs a new feature. You know, it should be like an iPhone. It should have a new feature. And that's. So I think he looks at specials like something new should be structurally yeah he always says that that's not a special that's a

normal so he's always trying to do some weird thing but sometimes those can go too far like i didn't think the johannesburg thing was that i would have rather just seen a special throughout yeah i felt like it gave away the trick a little bit yeah yeah but the material is still great but it's just yeah it's not my of his work it's not my favorite same well i i mean this special i know what you're saying in terms of a new feature like i saw a clip from the prestige remember that nolan movie yeah right it was a movie a two and a half minute clip right and it's where michael caine is talking about this uh the pledge and the turn and the prestige. And to get from the turn to the prestige, you need misdirection.

So like that's what I based this entire special on. Whoa. Where I'm like, I'm going to arrive and you're going to see some sand and I'm going to pour it on and you're not going to know what that is and that's my pledge. And then at some point, I'll keep showing you cuts of shoes

that you don't understand, like random shots of shoes, which is misdirection. And then at the end of the special, I reveal that it's all Indian sand. Yeah. That I'm standing on Indian soil. So you can make fun of India. So I can make fun of India. So in the special, whenever I'm making fun of America, I'm on American soil,

and India is Indian soil. But I don't reveal it until like minute 55. Well, sure, you want to say it here? Yeah, it's fine. It's been out long enough. Okay. But what about Sandy? Was that real?

According to the museum? No. Remember when people said that there were crisis actors? That was Alex Jones. And he was like, yeah, like,

does that mean there's crisis actor agents? Dude, I, she was in Pulse nightclub shooting. that mean there's crisis actor agents? Dude, I. She was in Pulse nightclub shooting. This is a star right here. I've been dying to make this movie. I met a Mossad guy in Singapore. And he was telling me that when Mossad conducted assassinations, they would hire actors. And within like a one kilometer radius, they would write scripts for every one of their actors.

So if it's just like man and woman walking down the street with a baby, they'd write down an entire scene for them. Whoa. So they'd hire film script writers to write scripts for the crowd during an assassination. Wow. That's a fucking movie. That's like Truman Show. Right. A failed script writer gets hired by Mossad

or something to like script assassinations. That's a great movie. Do those people know they're in an assassination? Are they also Mossad or are they just like they hire actors?

They hire actors. Damn. Those are good actors. They'll populate the entire area with actors who are basically doing lines. Wow. Damn.

I mean, that's below gay porn even. You know? You gotta really be struggling as an actor to take that gig. Because, you know, as scripted content goes, gay porn. I don't know, though. You can at least show your parents a tape of this. Ah, good point.

Good point. It's on the news. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, does India, and this is an ignorant question, but do you, you know, you see the Bollywood, it's very broad, it's very big, music, dancing. Are there like Indian Saving Private Ryan? Oh, yeah.

Okay. The bulk of Indian movies are not the big Bollywood spectacles. You know, I think that's what gets noticed. Like the only two Indian things that get noticed over here are sort of big spectacle stuff. And then just sort of struggle movies. Yes. So Lion and Slum, they put tails in all of them. And those movies get noticed over here but are movies like that well received in india as well you know because 99 of india is

a flourishing modern successful country that wants a seat at the table you know and so like 99 of movies talk about that but you don't really see that so much. Interesting. And then you have like, I don't know, if you ever get a chance, please watch the trailer of a movie called Basmati Blues, which exemplifies everything. It's a wreck. It's where Brie Larson. One of my favorite Indian actresses. Wonderful. A white lady comes down to India and teaches us how to make rice.

Oh, no. We're doing that now? So is it good? Actually good? No, it's terrible. All right. Sounds bad. Oh, that's embarrassing. What about, there's part of your special where you, oh, yeah, hold on.

Let's watch this first. Let's see. Oh, I like that other one, though. Yeah. Oh, boy. You know she was so excited for this role. I'm going to be a hero.

Okay. She's like, oh no. Dysentery. The sequel in North Korea was even worse. Oh man. I'm sorry.

Even the crisis actors turn this one down. Ah, this is cringy. You've got to put a Juno soundtrack in an Indian movie, right? We've got the cool, hot Indian guy. There's going to be some interracial love here. Oh, the love is not some mystery. Well, you know we met once before on the train. I was on the roof.

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So you're talking about, in the special you're talking about there's a line you have where you say uh you know hate is is yell but love is felt yeah yeah i mean that's like that was kind of a profound line you know i mean because you've dealt with so much shit yeah and you talk about feeling suicidal in this nice hotel you because you're nominated for an emmy the same night that you called a terrorist. Mixed feelings. Yeah, mixed feelings. Rough night.

Bittersweet. But I tried to do a suicide bit that kind of got to the laugh really quick. Like didn't end up. But were you really that low? Yeah, man. For sure.

But I mean, oh, suicidal comedian, you're really special. Let's be honest. So what I will say is that aside, any day you get to tell people your problems on netflix is a pretty good goddamn life's all right right uh but i think that's part of it as well

that if you hate is always going to be louder and it's always going to trend and it's always going to be number one and and it's very easy to assume that that's all the feedback coming at you yeah and that's what now paints you right and you discover that most people are sensible and want to pay their bills and go to bed at night and will not go out of their way to yell love at you yeah uh but then suddenly eight months later when you go out on tour again they'll come and buy your ticket and they'll come and see you with genuine empathy and they'll be fucking awesome about it yeah but you just kind of have to hang out and wait for the light to hit you yes you know that's a journey there is a weird i know it's a quote but it's a fine line

between love and hate it's so true if someone hates you that much they gotta care about you yeah a little bit uh because some people are like what do you you hate this group you're like i don't even think about that group i don't care about the group enough to hate it yeah well we think of that howard stern line from private parts where they say the people that hate you listen twice as long twice as long yeah well they say people like you listen for an hour and a half how much people hate you listen to two hours right they both want to hear what you're going to say next yeah but i find that on either side you know uh large professions of of hate or love say more about the person than the person they're talking about here here you know oh yeah when i when someone is writing really hateful shit to me

on social media i'm just like this is you this is not yeah for me to elicit this i'm gonna guess you're not in therapy right i'm gonna guess you're not uh someone who tapes a hard look. It's easier to hate outward than to look inward. Totally. And I also think hate or love, large expressions of it, come from a certain loneliness. You're like sort of going, is anybody else with me on this? And can we be part of a tribe together? We do it all the time. You're in the bank and someone's taking forever in line.

You look for someone to make eye contact with to be like, this guy, huh? This fucking ass. We're all just looking for the connection. Yeah. But also, you ever have a guy say something really mean on Twitter, and I'll like it. And they go, ah, I'm sorry, man. I was fucking around. I love you.

And you're like. He just crushed me for a second. 99% of those guys, if you met them on the street, would be really cool as well. I know. I'm not arrogant enough to say I don't read the comments or it doesn't get to me it totally gets to me and i will go down a rabbit hole of same uh of you know cringe uh sort of all the hatred and all of that stuff i will go down that rabbit hole i regret writing those but you know but also you talk about the difference like when when people in america talk about getting canceled by like a twitter mob and you're like i'm on the fucking

news yeah i mean that's but but again like who said this like the worst thing that ever happened to you is the worst thing that ever happened to you you know so i wouldn't judge an american comment that was cosby also right yeah like why do we keep going from me to cause he's in the news again i can't i can't People are going to that tour. It's like selling out. Is it? You better bring a pillow and a butt plug for that one. Is he going to talk? I've talked to a bunch of black comics.

They're like, he's going to talk about it. So he's going to be on stage like, so the first bitch testified. Yeah, I'm sure. I've been away. This is going to be weird. Just downtime. But no, I don't judge anybody harshly for that. It's a joke right where yeah

it's cute uh that you complain about cancel culture or sort of a i do think the oh can i say this or can i not say this bit that all comics were now doing yeah that's gonna outrun its time agree yeah you know say it also you're saying it yeah you are and also i think i don't know where the line is and thinking about it is going to drive me insane so how about i'll do the joke and you let me know where the line is yeah audience and then you did the two india speech you're like that was a lot that was a lot but no i'll work with you from that point on yeah i'm not any feedback is good feedback at some level as long as it doesn't translate into hate or threats Is good feedback

If people can actually have it The problem with the Twitter and stuff like that is There's no nuance and there's no attempt at a dialogue When there's actually a conversation to be had Then it's actually, it can be enlightening and interesting Not cancel culture, council culture Ooh But, I agree

You are jet lagged. That's a good thing to say when someone gives you feedback after a show. I should have confetti. But you're right about the audience shows you where the line is, and that's all good and well. But let me learn where the line is, and then don't ruin me for trying to find where the line is. That's my thing. I think artists deserve the opportunity to be imperfect without systems coming crashing down on them. For merely imperfect artists.

And for you, it built your audience. I mean, it made you. Right. You went through this kind of traumatic thing that now you are playing bigger venues than ever. I am. And also, it's a weird thing, right? Because you're not going to come out on stage because now people are coming out to see you with a slightly more emotional connection they are and they're invested in your story so you you cheat them if you don't talk about it as well sure it's the the first thing they're thinking when they see you is

i know what you've gone through i was kind of with you on it so you do have to talk about it but my rule was very simply the first word i say about it has to be fucking funny. I love that. You know? That's great. Otherwise, I'm not a comic. Yes. Here, here. I'll tell some of the comics working today, then. Will you?

Jesus Christ. We get it. You were molested. No, let's talk about all of it. One of my least favorite one-man shows, by the way. You were molested. That's the other thing I was talking about with somebody is, you know, comedy is now, I think comedians are learning to play the camera a little bit.

Sure. You know, because like a special is like here, you know, it's not a big theatrical show. So sometimes you see a special where a comic is talking about something very intimate, but he's like, my dad died. Right.

He's trying to reach like the third layer of the audience, but the camera's right there. Right. Right. I think we're learning now to just kind of be like, my dad died, right he's trying to reach like the third layer of the audience with the cameras right there right right i think we're learning now to just kind of be like my dad died you know and keep it in but i also think breaking through like you're to india's broke that kind of what broke you and that's pretty standard like you've done specials before that i mean you did but but but this but this took it to another level yeah more than any of this stuff it's like you can't predict stuff i know during the pandemic i was depressed and wanted to do stand up. So I ended up like grabbing a speaker and a microphone and climbing up a hill to a forest near my house in Goa.

And 35 people would come out and we'd sit in the sunlight and do stand up at 3 p.m. With a PA that I set up myself. And I did five YouTube videos about the world as such so they were about uh cancel culture freedom of speech privilege in the west comedy versus religion and death right and the idea was can i create five or ten pieces of comedy that are you you know, about the world. Those five videos moved the needle more than like three action specials put together. See, there's no predicting what people. Also, people needed content, too. Yeah.

Like, I did a few videos in Central Park. I'm bombing under a tree with seven people, you know, sitting on the grass. And that one did well, too. Yeah. Because it was just like, this is what they're going through? Man, these guys are diehards. Yeah. I think it showed people how much we need it're going through? Man, these guys are diehards. Yeah. I think it showed people how much we need it.

Well, a lot of people dropped off during the pandemic. Yeah, good riddance. It got rid of some of those people that weren't willing to do anything like that. Yeah, right. So you're a real comic. But the point is, you just don't know. No. You can shoot the most expensive special in the world.

You can, and then suddenly- Which you don't need to do, by the way. You don't need to do that. When certain comics would tell me how much they spent on a special i was like you do realize that all you really need is you and the mic yeah we don't need a fucking swinging shot from a chandelier you know it's like a bit much work on the act more than the production what about how scared were you when you were home i mean how how not so much i think we had a it's not my first rodeo you know in terms of i've been doing this a while and also i think you when you have a you know god's been kind so you have a larger audience it's par for the course so i was scared but i was more scared

for a family that hadn't signed up for this you know know, like my wife. I'm like, I want to make sure they're okay. That's tough. You know, I'm very privileged. So I have a good legal team. You know, we'll be okay in that sense. What did your wife say when this happened? Did you run the speech buyer before? Yeah, my wife heard it at like 4 p.m.

Because I literally loaded at 4 p.m. And then we found a wedding photographer who was unemployed on a Sunday and he shot it. Whoa. Good job, Salacuse. But my wife, I was like, should I do this? And she's like, yeah. That's a good wife.

What could happen? I love that. She's been a trooper, man. It's not been an easy nine months, but she's, you know, we've hung in there. But it makes you hotter. It's like sexier. You're like a bad boy. No, it's not.

No, it's not. Come on. Whip it out. Whip it out. Whip it out. Sorry. Guy lying in bed like, I think I fucked up. It's not sexy at all. No.

No. Good point. Good point. You're just the hotel. How'd you let me do this, you bitch? No, women need safety, security, and some level of masculinity. Yeah. For sure. i hear you

well i'm working on that last one but but bill burr he did the philly rant and he walked off stage and he goes well my career's over and then that's what propelled it have you seen that the bill i have yeah but again like i thought my career was over three times ah you know so i i once did a bollywood movie that was like a like an American pie sex comedy kind of a romp. And it's called Masti Zade. And you guys may know her, may not. But her name is Sunny Leone. And she used to be a porn star.

And then she became a Bollywood actress. And it was me and her. Pull it up. And it was this gigantic studio movie that I was packaged as one of the two leads. And blatantly a movie that everybody did for cash and would not watch. And the phone

stopped ringing for a good year. What was like the peak gross out scene? You said it's like an American pie. They fuck a pie.

I'm guessing you didn't fuck a samosa. So like what's the gross out scene in the movie? I think I humped a out scene i think i humped a horse really you you humped a horse i think i humped a horse yeah you know so it's just me and a guy behind me and he's kind of humping me while i hump a horse uh and the tail is like flapping me in the face and i was like yeah i went to drama school i don't know you're kind of selling it i can sell it i'd like to watch this i kind of want to see it we have a movie called horse it's very different

where a guy humps a horse no that's not the one don't click that it's sold no and freddie got fingered he jerks off an elephant doesn't he that's right and a horse and a horse but uh these are they it's m-a-s-t-i-z-a-a-d-e but the point is like at that moment in time you're like yeah i deserve this it's gonna be a dip and then hopefully in a year i'll find it and we'll come back like you you got to find these kind of ebbs and flows yeah did you read your wife that script at 4 p.m no no i did. No, no. What was the porn star like? She was amazing. Really?

She's intelligent, funny, fucking amazing. All right. Yeah. Mustyzad. Yeah, we shouldn't dwell on this. All right, all right, we'll move on. But it's fucked up they call you Musty. Yeah. But, oh, wow, look how big this is.

It's so... It's magnanimous, right? Yeah. There we go. Guys, I'm going to pull up. All right, all right, all right. I want to see a little. It does definitely have that American Pie, National Amphibian vibe.

Here we go. It's like a Harold and Kumar. This looks kind of fun. It is. It's a fun movie. It's just terrible. Yeah, you're telling me. But I'd watch this in a hotel room on a Friday before a gig.

Both of you are on tour this weekend. Yes. Fuck the special. I'm watching this. Wow. All right. Well, good for you. You got to take a swing, you know? There you go. Yeah the special. Come watch this. Wow. All right. Well, good for you. You got to take a swing, you know?

There you go. Yeah, man. So, I mean, how do you make the decision to be like, I'm going to tour in America? Musties are there, actually. Really? The phone stopped ringing. And then I met these guys who were down from an American agency. And they kind of found a clip of mine.

And they're like, we want to sign you. So, come to la and take meetings which means give money to uber and get free water and i showed up and like i had i'd been neglecting stand-up i want to say for like seven years or eight years how long you've been doing stand-up this is year 16 okay and uh i went to the laugh factory and i had an eight minute spot and i think i followed whitney and she killed hard i followed strong and i just kind of fell in love with it again man i was like i feel more fulfilled by this than i have in the last five movies and i'm like i'm just gonna start working america so i had them send me out so i spent a year traveling america

just kind of see what stand-up was doing so people in india why are you in a days in yeah like what clubs what kind of cities were you hitting were you doing weekends yeah i was doing like charlottesville huntsville alabama you know just doing the road stand up live and huntsville and like improvs. I was with Levity, so improvs were largely what I was playing. Nice. I did Carolines a bunch of times. Yeah.

And just kind of... RIP Carolines. We love you. Yeah, man. Damn. There's Indians around. Yeah, man. Because Huntsville has NASA,

so you need smart people. So I just kind of, I needed to learn what stand up was again. Yeah. But it's the best. It's, you know, a lot of, it sucks that it's the gutter of show business.

You know, like these old actors are like, I'm out of money. I'll go tell some stories on stage about those 80s movies I was in. Are there a lot of actors doing stand-up? Oh, yeah. I feel like it's kind of the lowest pit. But, like, you can make money at this. So, they're like, oh, the agents are like, you should do stand-up. Because you can sell the tickets.

Oh, I thought when you, there's a point in your special where you're like you know you're going through all this bullshit and your others your lawyers your agents were like money and you're like my life you know yeah i mean that's like i remember doing a gig years ago uh it was at the mall of america in uh minneapolis in minneapolis and it was a fallout week and i was like i needed work but also like you know i was i was working every week, but, like, I had an open weekend. They're like, someone just dropped out this weekend at Mall of America in Minneapolis. It's yours. You should do it.

And I was like, the same Mall of America that Al Shabab just threatened to shoot up this week. And maybe that's why I dropped out. They're like, we haven't heard about that. I was like, go to CNN.com. It's the first thing they're talking about. Ah, those are actors. heard about that i was like go to cnn.com it's the first thing they're talking about those are actors well i text joe list he goes if you take it and get murdered you're officially the dumbest fuck on the planet ah yeah shit but you took it i didn't oh you didn't take it i didn't i was like

i'll just do sellers i had seller spots i was like i'll just do the next i've never played that room yeah it's not it's huge i think my low low was TV shopping. That's the worst. I've done TV shopping at some point. And you would be surprised how much money it is. Like, it's a lot of money. So you do it because you have no money. Yeah. And then it is literally nine times what you think you're going to get paid.

So I get why people started and then stay. But it was literally like, how much do you think this plasma TV costs? Like, send us a message now and we'll give you a deal. I was that guy for a good two months. Oh, I shop on a show no you're literally selling tvs yeah man what tvs mixers uh necklaces like just you know you have a shopping channel right yeah yeah that guy how how many years in the stand-up was this this was maybe pull it up four years into a bollywood career uh but they probably paid you well to do this stuff man it's a ton of money wow and they just feel like we like this guy he's got this cool tv we'll buy the tv

that's their logic no i mean the guys who produce it is like no his career just died he should hire and then they they give you enough to stay well you have a good attitude i mean you know it's uh it's like i've hosted a game show. Yeah. Probably. Something like that. I could never host a, like, I've been told anytime I've ever hosted anything I come off as sarcastic. Ah, yeah. Same.

Like, I'll do a corporate gig once in a while where I have to emcee and it's a ton of money, but then I'm just like, please welcome. Right. Please. That's how I was when I used to hand out flyers on the street is people would, they'd be like, this is the fucking level of enthusiasm you have for your show yeah yeah i'd be like i mean yeah i'm out here five hours in the cold what do you want from me have you guys done the the edinburgh fringe festival yet i turn it down you have to really everyone says that i get

some mixed reviews on it so it's not i mean you will need like a it depends on what you want if you want to work out your show get your ass whooped and have an audience teach you something every night and then watch enough art that pisses you off that it clicks something in your show yeah that's a good reason to do it but if you're looking to like succeed or pr and all of that stuff then you need a very narrative based you know kind of a. You have to tell a story. Pam, you're a PR person. Do we have to do Edinburgh? Thank you.

She said no. Big head shake. It's lovely. Yeah, I don't want to do it. I feel like I can get the same workout just doing the road in New York or in this country. It's 29 shows in 25 days. Do you have an idea

to do a one-man show? A one-man show? No, I'm not. Although, I do have this great show idea about being molested. There you go. It's called Daddy. The Diddler.

Yeah, everybody, I mean, it's beautiful. Daddy Diddler. Yeah, Daddy Diddler. Dude, you got to see this show. I loved it. Oh, really? Like I did, I've never done a full run before. I was in a basement, 90 people in the basement.

And for the first two weeks, you're like, what the fuck am I doing? Yeah. And then something happens in the third week where suddenly your whole show changes. Like I went in with the show that wasn't ready. And it was ready by the time I came out. Because you just, it's every night. It's every night. But then I was watching like nine things a day.

Wow. That would make me crazy though. Yeah. It's too much. I wasn't watching stand up. I was watching like every things a day. Wow. That would make me crazy though. Yeah. It's too much. I wasn't watching standup. I was watching like every other thing. Yeah. Okay.

But like, can you watch standup? It's hard. I can. Same. I like it. It's very hard for me to watch standup. It's gotta be good.

You know, it's gotta be like, Oh, Neil Brennan's got a special. He's a good writer. I'll watch that. Yeah. I'll watch it here and there,

but I, yeah, I don't, I don't like watching standup. I like to watch movies. That's kind of like my escape. I like, cause it's not like what we do i'm at the club every night the sauce you know what i mean like right right that's true but some every once in a while i'll get i'll be i'll see someone new and i'll be like oh wow that was awesome so that that feeling is really is great

when you discover someone new who you like but uh But isn't that what's great about this profession, that on any given fucking night, the kid with five years in can outdo the guy with 30 years in? It happens. And I've been on both sides of that. Sure. You know, where sometimes you're like, I just killed harder than that guy,

then some new twink blows me off the stage. And I'm like, God. Yeah. That's what got Chris Rock so good. You've heard that story. No. He was off SNL. he's kind of fizzling out he's doing a gig in the road martin lawrence is opening martin lawrence annihilates standing ovation roof comes off and chris rock comes out there and kind of eats it and he's like i gotta i gotta kick it up a notch we've all had that guy

oh yeah for us we were like shit that's why I bring Gary Veeder. Never a problem. No, but we all have had that guy where you're like, what the? Sometimes it's a high energy comic. The worst is when they're nothing like you. We're all pretty, none of us are high energy acts. And when you get someone who's a high energy, like a yeller, and they've got good material, it's like, and they're dirty. They've got everything.

Got some gimmicks, maybe a music cue, a dance they fall over oh god of course of course the first night you're always kind of like oh he did pretty well second night you're like he's really kind of burying me and night three you're like give it up for the hack everybody give it up for the fucking hack on this tour i did a strange thing where i use single songwriters so we're doing like 47 cities in india and i was just like if you're a kid if you're unsigned and if you have over a certain amount of views on youtube but like under a certain amount as well where you truly like need the platform yeah show up you'll play while people are sitting down so the minute house opens you're on i'll give you 25 minutes but i'll film

your shit and i'll send it back to you hey there you go and uh like i think six of those guys have gotten signed hey look at that you're helping out a lot of young comics but uh they were single songwriters like folk singers and like you would be surprised how cool a vibe it sets like if you walk into a stand-up show and it's not like some obnoxious DJ shit, but it's just like some, you know, John Mayer vibe. Yeah. Somebody's just playing while you sit down.

It's a great vibe. Well, Mark and I both used to open for Amy Schumer and she had her brother was in a jazz trio. And it set such a good vibe. It was like a very classy thing for people to walk into this major show. Yeah. With, you know, these really good jazz musicians.

Killer jazz. I filmed Zarna's set at Caroline's and she had someone playing like a traditional Indian instrument. Oh, really? It opened up for like 15 minutes. That's really cool. Oh, wow.

And it did set a cool tone. I've thought about it. All the Indian people are fucking loving it. She's a beast, man. She opens for me sometimes and she comes out and my crowd's really young

and everybody's like, oh, Indian auntie. And she says, cunt in under 30 young and everybody's like oh indian auntie yeah she says content under 30 seconds and everybody's like fuck yeah let's go yeah she's working so hard too she's just grinding and grinding i love to see that and she's what three years in four years is she yeah wow so i i don't want to misstate so i think she's under seven years in oh for sure you know definitely which is great for her to be at that level. She'll get a sitcom or something. I mean, she's perfect for that. Yeah, I think so.

It's coming. Or Bollywood. Is there no crusher in Bollywood? Sex comedy. Yeah. You know, there is a vacancy now. Musty's on, too. Electric Brickle.

I still might do that movie. Well, dude, even Sinatra fucking hit a low point. You got to remember, like, before we did that, I still might do that movie well dude even Sinatra fucking hit a low point you gotta remember like before he did that what's that movie he won the Oscar for

the man with the Manchurian no no the other one the Burt Lancaster one Out of Africa you're very old Hollywood right like that

I love Hollywood yeah so is Mark and so is Matt to be honest I mean Salamanca but he won the Oscar for it. He dies in it. What's it called?

He's in the military. Yeah, yeah. It's a war movie. Oh, Manchurian Candidate? No. I was watching, have you guys seen The Offer on Paramount Plus? I like it. About the Godfather?

I read the book. It's called Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli. Great book. So just the way they do Sinatra in that is hilarious. Really? Because he was so against the Godfather. Right. All the gangsters fucking hated it.

Yeah. And that Johnny Fontaine is supposed to be Frank Sinatra. Right. So he kept kind of riling up people so that the movie wouldn't get made. And then they had to go sit down with Sinatra and be like, here's why he's not based on you. Then the movie gets made and everybody's like, that's Sinatra. Is that a man with a golden arm? Yes?

No. You've heard of him. So he won here. Did he win twice? Did he tell me he won twice? Supporting actor. Sinatra was apparently a big cunt. He divorced Woodserface over Rosemary's Baby.

Mia Farrow. He was also like 60 and she was 21. I'm like, what are you doing, dude? That was a different time. I know, like how do you have a conversation i've heard a great story of him like slapping a sound engineer in a studio who apparently was indian which is how it got to me but he was a mix engineer uh the will smith and and sinatra goes in does a take and he's smoking and his voice is a little raspy and he

kind of does the entire song in one take yeah Yeah. And then they're all just like, we need another take. And they send the new guy out to tell Sinatra, you got to do it one more time. And he just kind of says, come here. Slaps him across his face and says, retakes are for pussies. Whoa. Whoa. Did you hear that story? By the way, from here to eternity.

Oh, I'm an idiot. Sorry. How'd I beat you to that, Google bitch? What the fuck? You got a whole laptop there. I, I'm an idiot. That's the one. How'd I beat you to that, Google bitch? What the fuck? You got a whole laptop there. I was queuing up the story here. All right. So you ever hear that Don Rickles story when he said, you ever hear that time that Frank Sinatra saved my life?

He said, okay, boys, that's enough. That's killer. That's great. Damn, Rickles is good. Sinatra really was just like a weird character. And he hated Elvis. Speaking of guys coming up who were younger, Elvis was like like a weird character. And he hated Elvis. Speaking of guys coming up who were younger, Elvis was like the hot new thing. And he was like, what the fuck is this?

He came up this like, you know, the Hoboken hummingbird, this like pretty boy. Then he becomes kind of grizzled and cool. Yeah, and mobby. Did you guys see the Elvis movie? Did you like it? I didn't see it. It was well done. Really?

Just for personal reasons, because I think everybody has a kernel in their life. Every artist growing up has that fucking leech that finds you when you're young, and you've got to shake him off. Oh, yeah. So I was just watching it for that reason. I'm like, I've had seven of these guys in my life. Totally. I had to move on from them. It was an early Bollywood film.

Early Bollywood. Yeah. But I think the problem with the Elvis movie, the reason I didn't see it, there's too many biopics. I love a biopic. I love a biopic. And there's too many true crimes right now. There's a lot of true crimes.

Huge. The biopics, I liked, what's his name, Rami Malek in Bohemian Rhapsody was incredible, I thought. Yeah. Although I thought they overdid the teeth. I thought so too. Oh, and also the AIDS when he just said, I got it. Oh, yeah.

He might have to be more specific. I think you're referencing like Dick Van Dyke. I got it. Harry Poppins or something. But yeah, the Elvis movie was cool, but it was so stylized. I don't know, but it's a cool story. But that's his thing, right? Baz Luhrmann.

Yeah, yeah. Mulan Rouge. Is he good? I think so. But you're his thing, right? Baz Luhrmann. Yeah, yeah. Mulan Rouge. Is he good? I think so. But you're right. It's tough. I can't tell if he's good. Yeah, it's like a ladyboy.

I'm not going to love Bollywood movies. Sorry, what? What the hell? Baz Luhrmann is a ladyboy, an artistic ladyboy. Yes, exactly. Like, am I into this? I don't know. Kind of.

That's how he is. That's my favorite thing about playing like thailand is just watching old british men holding hands with ladyboys walking through the market not making eye contact with each other it's really sad i gotta go to thailand i got i gotta i gotta can we take a quick pee break oh come on i'm dying dude i fucking had like four coffees before this i'll talk shit about you when you go. All right. Yeah, keep going.

All right. Finally. Okay, tell me South Africa. All right. Boy, it was unreal. We did Amsterdam first, did some drugs. By the way, don't do mushrooms in Amsterdam. Yeah.

They're called, they're truffles. Okay. So some American jumped off a roof on mushrooms, so they made them illegal. I feel like the American might not have needed the mushrooms. Yeah. I know, right? Yeah. So he jumped off, so now they're truffles.

And I was like, oh, that sounds fine. It's probably different over here. And I ate them, and it was hell. Just put me in a bad mood. Big mistake. So Amsterdam was kind of a bust, but then we flew right to Cape Town and had a fucking blast. It is supposed to be magnetically the best energy place in the planet. Is that right?

Yeah. Like people say, like just magnetic energy in Cape Town, you will feel better than you feel anywhere in the world. Totally. Well, Amsterdam was rainy and cold. We went to Cape Town. It was sunny and 80 degrees. And, you know, I love segregation. It was great.

No, I'm joking. But it was super fun. I mean, the poverty there is bananas. Yeah. Do you fly into Cape Town or do you fly into Soweto? Fly into Cape Town. 12 hours, coach, because I'm a psycho. Yeah, okay.

On which airline? It's called Airlink. Real trash. Okay. Don't do it. And, yeah, we just had a great time. And the Rand. Everything's in Rand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's so cheap. You know, it's like, that is 450 Rand. You're like, Jesus. And that's like... And they were overcharging you anyway. Yeah, yeah. That's like $38 or something.

Did you stay in, like, Champs Bay or Camps Bay? I stayed right on the harbor, but it was a five-minute drive to Camps Bay. We did that every day. And just the sun was out. We'd have beers on the harbor, but it was a five-minute drive to Camps Bay. We did that every day. The sun was out. We'd have beers on the beach. It was great. And then did you see big cats and stuff like that? Did you do the safari?

I did the safari. We flew to Mozambique and then drove two hours to the jungle, and it was life-changing. Nice. I grew up in Africa. I grew up in Lagos, Nigeria. Oh, I didn't know that. That's kind of home for me, 17 years. Whoa.

Why? Huh? My dad, my parents can smell when I'm happy and then they move me. But when I was, my dad was making tomato pulp and pre-cut potato chips in Lagos, Nigeria. Wow. And that's where we were. And then I went to boarding school in India when I was nine. But Nigeria was home for like the first 17 years.

Wow. Do you speak? I speak a little bit of Yoruba and a little bit of like Pidgin English. Boy, you are fucking cultured. Yeah. Jesus. Outsider. Everywhere.

Can you do their accent? Like when they speak English? I do it in the special a little bit. Oh, yeah? But like it's the Pidgin English is kind of English that was spoken so that the English wouldn't know what was being said. You know, so if it is, I'm going to go have some lunch. It's like, I'll go chop now.

It's almost like Ebonics. Yeah. Like it's like slang. Yeah. So it's, you know, so that I speak a little bit. Damn. But they're wonderful. Nigeria, I think, is one of the most sort of badass, just energy-flying, sexual, fun places on the planet. Oh, really?

Do you ever go back? Yeah. I go back sort of once every three years. People in Lagos can party, man. It's a hell of a place. And comedy is just getting there. They have a comedy club in Kenya now and I think in Nigeria. But it's coming. So let me ask one question.

So what's your type? Are you straight? Yes. Do you like Nigerian women or do you like Indian women? This is my thing. I feel like what you grow up with is what you end up liking. Nigerian and Indian women are very similar. Run hot, very emotional, very intelligent and don't take shit

at all. They're very similar. But I've dated a Nigerian girl and I've married an Indian girl. Damn. That works. Yeah. Both at the same time. Yeah, I know.

Yeah. Wow. It's funny because Indians got hot. You know, growing up in the 80s, it was like top, what was that fucking Johnny Five? What's that guy's name? Johnny Quest. No, no. The robot.

Short Circuit. Yeah. And I don't even think he was Indian. I don't think he was. And then you had Apu. Wasn't that Brownface or something? I think it was. That guy. Yeah, Fisher Stevens.

Fisher Stevens. No, I had so many Indian Stevens out there. That was Brownface, guys. It was a Justin Trudeau thing. No, I had so many Indian Stevens out there. That was brown face, guys. This is a Justin Trudeau thing. And then you got Cal Penn kind of came in. And I think, you know, you got your knee meshes and your veerdasses. Indian women have always been hot.

Always. The problem is the distance between Indian women and Indian men in vanities is gigantic. Is it? Yeah. Yeah, because like, I don't know, Scandinavian people, the women are as good-looking as the men. Would you say that? Right, right, sure. Whether you find them good-looking or not.

I prefer the women, but, you know. Yeah, but, like, Indian women are beautiful, and Indian men are with them. You got Hasan Minhaj. He's a Disney prince, that guy. Big eyes, big hair. I've never heard of... And that makes so much sense.

It's funny when your friend just reveals they find another man very attractive. He's gorgeous. But the guy at Disney Prince is such a specific... Oh, yeah. Well, I think about him a lot. But he's coming on here at some point. We're going to get him on here.

Yeah, we got to get him on here. Yeah, he's a sweet guy. He did my other pod. He did my Games with Names pod because we got Mike Bibby on, who's his favorite basketball player. Have you guys had Aziz on? No. You don't think he's a Disney prince, huh? You don't want to see the Aziz cartoon?

Aziz doesn't do podcasts. Yeah? Not really. Not really. I mean, we got Colin Quinn on, who really doesn't do podcasts. That's true. And Dave Attell. And we got Attell on, who's-

Both of them Disney princes. I'm like the old man in the tree. I met Attell for 10 seconds at the cellar. That's pretty good. Yeah. He saw me and he was like, and he walked away and I was like, I think that was good. That's good. Yeah. How familiar were you

with Attell before coming to New York? I knew... What was that show? Insomniac? Yeah. So that was on when I was like, I think that was good. That's good. Yeah. How familiar were you with Attell before coming to New York? I knew, what was that show? Insomniac? Yeah. So that was on when I was in college in the States. So I remember him from that. But I was ignorant to the comedic legacy of him at the cello. He's our goat, kind of.

Yeah. And I think at the cello, there are these things, right? There's the comedian's table. And then you have to earn your space at that table. So I learned all of that stuff. Right. Well, put a P on it. It's Patel.

Yeah. True. All right. He's right there. Yeah, yeah. Woo, comedy. It was a nice 10 seconds. Everybody thinks Patel hates him, and he's the sweetest guy.

He's just a little fidgety yeah he is like a bodega cat guy who just keeps working a plug for his

product yeah he's grumpy he's kind of like a cat yeah you know sometimes you just have to

say fuck it you know there we go musties out everybody but tell is like a cat where you're just kind of like grateful you're like all right pet and then he just like runs away yeah There we go. Musty's out, everybody. But to tell it's like a cat where you're just kind of grateful. You're like, all right, pet.

And then he just runs away. Yeah, I got a second with him. Yeah. You got to let him come to you. Like a cat. He's got to rub your leg. I go into, for me, head movements are everything in terms of feedback. Because especially with comics and even in movies or or whatever if somebody comes out of a screening or somebody comes out of uh watching you i find that if they do this it's sort of up and down

you did good irrespective of what they say but if they ever go like you know like it's ever side to side they'll say something nice but you're fucked up you know it's always like it's always like those costumes amazing oh this is a piece of shit that's so true those costumes you mean my outfit in my special Seinfeld had that funny bit about how you can tell how bad a relationship's going by how high they touch their face you know I was like how's it going with that girl it's going pretty good or it's like I gotta get out that's great that's an oldie speaking of bits our guest has to go on 15 so can we do bits or peeves? Oh, yeah.

Do you have any bits or peeves? Any peeves? I have peeves. Oh, please. Okay. This is very pretentious, but I do not like a hotel where the staff is cool, like the hotel desk guy is cool and calls you bro. This is a specific one.

It's very specific specific but you know like like a w soho house or something oh like the w with like hey bro well i'm like no at this price it's mr das shut up and stop being this instagram person yes i cannot stand that we're not friends also yeah like let's not go right to bro i I'll never see you again. Also, where did that come from? Bro is, I have a bro. There you go. He's my brother. But there are these, like, I think the 60 range of hotels, like 60 LES on the Lower East

Side. Yes, yes. Or like, So House with a W. So it was like some cool guy who has as many Instagram followers as you do. Right, right. And it's like, hey, man, what's up? And I'm like, no, I cannot do that. I don't know why.

Yeah. What do you think it is? Do you think it makes you feel less cool that he's being cool? Or what is it? It's so not genuine. Not genuine. That's what it is. Yeah.

You can just be like, he says that to everybody. And you're like, don't make me feel special. That's what it is. I also feel like he would have more fun in that hotel room. Like, that's the guy the room is meant for right he's sending me over that's one um that's a good one i don't like guys with uh barber done beards oh easy puerto rico if it's way too shaped and way too sharp i can't do i'm with you right yeah because they it's a narcissism thing yeah like you want to keep you want to look in the mirror for a while and make

it perfect i'm with you i like the one side you know like yeah i like i like a diy beard i feel the same way about guys who are really into their birthday like if a guy doesn't notice it's his birthday i like that guy you know guy like oh yeah it's his birthday I like that guy you know guys my birthday when someone's like it's my birthday week I guess I got to come up with seven excuses now fuck you yeah yeah where do you stand on gender reveal videos and parties because that seems to be uniquely American I don't I don't know anyone who would do that so that's the the thing where like it doesn't affect me. Yeah, like there's a lot of deaths with those. Like a lot of shit catches on fire because they always try

to be really extravagant. Pull it up. Yeah, you can't tell if it's blue or... because it's red now, you know. So by the way, in India, Africa, many other Asian countries, you're not supposed to know, right? The doctor won't tell you. China, they know. Well, there's a reason why they're... But like in Nigeria, for instance, the doctor won't tell you uh china china as well yeah well there's a reason why

they're but like in in nigeria for instance the doctor will be like uh yeah no uh baby's healthy maybe uh buy a football yeah okay but it's against the law it's a lesbian i gotta pee for you hit me how about this This has driven me crazy my whole fucking life, and I forgot about it since we've been doing the show, and somebody did it yesterday. I had a big question. Somebody got me something. I go, where'd you get that?

Or I lost something, and they found it. I go, where'd you find that? How'd you do it? He goes, magic. I hate the magic. Just tell me the answer to the question. You know that guy? Like, how'd you get that TV in here?

Magic. No. Give me the answer. Do you think maybe that's a how'd you get that TV in here? Magic. No. Give me the answer. Do you think maybe that's a guy who just says magic all day? Good morning. Magic. Yeah, maybe. Maybe.

How'd you break into my hotel room? Magic. Magic. Yeah. Even magic's not magic. You know, how'd you sell the woman in half? There's mechanics to it. It's not actual magic.

But at least they have a reason for saying magic. That's true. That's their job. Right. You're just a fucking jerk-off. and he walked away i was like well i still want to know but now i guess i don't know how about this guy i'll tell you but then i'd have to kill you yeah kill me just kill me kill me right now yeah i hate i hate life that i have to talk to you i don't like the offer you both meals on the flight when she knows one meal doesn't

exist ah yes that's a great one would you like the chicken or the vegetables i'd like the offer you both meals on the flight when she knows one meal doesn't exist. Yes, that's a great one. Would you like the chicken or the vegetables? I'd like the chicken without a chicken. Bitch, you knew that. And make 80% chicken and 20% veggie. We're all going to want the chicken. There's going to be a couple of stragglers, but come on. It's like when they do decaf and coffee.

Oh, my God. That's a peeve. I was in a hotel room once. I get three decaf packets, one regular. In what world does that ratio make a fucking lick of sense? Exactly. I once... Sorry, I got really angry.

Yeah, I've never seen you so animated. I had a lot of regular coffee. That's why. There's a hotel called The West End in Bengaluru in India, which is kind of like this old colonial property where they'll unpack your bag. Like the guy kind of came in and put my bag down and I went to take a piss and I came back and he was unrolling my socks. What? And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

He's like, I'm your butler. And I'm like, A, I'm an Indian boarding school child. So for me to make a man older than me touch my shoes is like hugely. So don't touch my socks and shoes. Also, like I have junk in that suitcase that you don't need to see. You know, like I have weed in there. I have other stuff in there. He's throwing you a joint.

Good evening, sir. Yeah, no, that's crazy crazy that's very intrusive dude this is uh i'll tell you this this is a great sort of dubai story if you're ever going to dubai so in dubai if you look like an artist you get what's called the dubai check which is where you know if you have piercings you have tattoos they will undo the lining of your suitcase unroll every sock it takes an hour at customs to, if you have piercings, if you have tattoos, they will undo the lining of your suitcase, unroll every sock. It takes an hour at customs to see if you have drugs. Whoa. And if you're caught with drugs in Dubai, you're not coming out for a while because they have a zero tolerance policy.

Dubai, bye. And I know a musician who plays the guitar and he's been playing it since he was three years old and he had shoes in his bag and underneath the shoes they found a stubbed out joint

just like that much of a joint right and so he's like I'm going away for fucking life and like these guys are making calls

because they're like okay we got one and he picks up his guitar and he's like I'm not gonna get to touch a guitar again for the next 20 years and starts to play in the terminal. And all these guys just kind of sit down and watch him play for like 20 minutes.

And they're like, we're letting you go because we've never seen anyone play guitar at this level. Wow. We're putting you on a flight. Get the fuck out of the UAE and never come back. Wow. Brittany Griner should have dribbled a ball that would never happen with comedy hold on let me do tight eight where you're from

what's up with airline security hey are you married sir they just start beating the shit out of you take my guitar please i gotta i gotta peeve. All right, hit me. Guy who got engaged messages me, who I'm not even close with, messages me. First off, yeah, the engaged already peeved. Just leave me alone. He goes, I got engaged. It's Mark. No, it's a guy who got engaged, and he wrote me, you know, we got engaged, and we were trying to pay it forward, so we want to set you up with someone.

Pay it forward? How about you suck my dick? Oh, like a charity. Yeah, like, we want to set you up with someone pay it forward how about you suck my dick oh like a charity yeah like we want to help out i don't you think i want to be set up yeah by your fucking candy ass yeah when the setup happens because in india that's like a marriage right yeah right but when like not the same case here not the same case but like do you only meet at the date then i guess i don't know i said no no. Good. You got Raya. You're good. I'm good.

You're fine. Oh, is Raya famous people Tinder? Just hot people. And him. And me. Yeah. And Harry Boyz. Harry Boyz.

That's the Kevin Spacey novel. But the argument is they know what's good for you better than you do. Aha. And he's got engaged. So he's like, I know about coming together. You don't know. I mean, because they know the real you, right? Like they know you, like you can't see yourself.

People try to set me up a lot. I try to get set up a lot. You're a catch. Tall, full head of hair, successful. Or maybe they're like, he doesn't have long, much. He's got about 10 more years of hotness left. Ever since Mark called Hasan a Disney fucking prince. I mean, he's a hunk.

He is a hunk. Would you? Oh, yeah. You would? Well. I mean, you'd be in the new special then. That'd be a nice story about you. That's true.

So you don't like getting set up at all? I don't like the, It's so much pressure. I agree. I've somehow... I've never dated dated. Really? Like I've had one terrible first date

where I was trying to date a girl before her and I was trying to pick up a girl on the Wednesday before I met this girl on a Friday. And this girl forgot that we were on a date. So I kind of showed up at her house

and she was in shorts and had like a, you know, just a bun on. And I was like, are we going out? She's like, can we do this another time? At the front door. So now this new girl on the way to her house, I called her 20 minutes before the date. And I'm like, are we still on?

And she's like yeah i'm in the shower i'll see you in 20 then i forgot to open the door for her so i ran over to my side of the car remember that i forgot to open the door for her ran around the car then realized that this looked weird so ran around the car another time so i ran around the car twice and then opened her door which i guess she thought was for good luck some shit like i'm ocd had four long island iced teas and threw up on her that's like the last day yeah long island iced tea is like that's that's a bad what are you thinking that's a bad drink yeah but i feel like here at least in new york this protocol right like there's the coffee yeah and then there's the dinner that will not lead to sex.

And then there's the dinner where you don't eat, which will lead to sex. I just go drink sex. Same night. Yeah, we're adults. Just knock it out. Knock it out. The sex is actually more... You romantic, you.

Mark orders your one drink. All right, pick it up. Pick it up. Well, you can tell more about someone from the sex than the dinner, I think. Because the dinner is very phony. Oh, is that right? You have a master's. But the sex is like, put a lampshade up my ass or whatever, you know?

But first sex isn't real sex. That's true. That's true. 56th sex is real sex. When she's just laying there. That's the real her. That's true. 56th sex is real sex. When she's just laying there. That's the real her. Yes, exactly. Where you get the weird sideways one. That's really lazy.

Where you try to be porn stars. You're like, let me put your leg this way and do this. And she's like, what are you doing? Never works. Sorry. Weird ending of this episode. Because we're all thinking about something we tried. Yeah, that one. We do have five minutes

for bits if you're kicking anything around, Mark. I don't know if I have anything good here. Viu, do you have anything you're kicking around? Like a premise, a half-baked.

I have one where I'm like, and it's not a great one, but I think, I was thinking about what America does about gun control and I don't think your guns are going

to go away and I don't think you're going to stop selling guns so maybe for a one year period of time only women buy guns. Oh.

And what does that do to America? Interesting. So I was like, okay, murder would go down but assault would go up. Because like,

once a week your girlfriend would shoot you in the leg. Right. Lecture you, take you to the hospital, bring you home, and fuck your brains out. Yeah.

Make for some good sex. Yeah. Yeah. For the first time, you'd know the anniversary. Like, I got it. I got it. Put the gun down. I think, what else was it?

There would be no more unsolved crimes. Right. There would be no true crime. Like, the body was found in the forest they'd be like no we heard yelling in the forest for six hours until somebody screamed you're making me do this it's not you it's me and then that's it that's what i'm kicking around i like it yeah i like it ladies with guns because there's not a lot of female murderers or serial killers. No, they do murder, but not serial killers.

But women murder with a drop of antifreeze in your oatmeal over six months. But I don't think women want murder. I think women want Stockholm Syndrome. They want to be heard. Right. They'd use the gun like a tool. Just be like, listen to me. Yes.

And you'd be like, for the first time, I am. Can you put on the silencer? Yeah. Yeah, I think you got something here. Yeah? Yeah. There's something there, yeah. I think, yeah, it would just be a threat.

Like, oh, you want to get dinner tonight? Nah, let's stay in. She's like, and you're like, okay. We'll get Italian. Yeah. Fewer wars, but wars would last longer. Yes. Because we would watch. Yes. They'd draw it outer wars, but wars would last longer. Yes. Because we would watch.

Yes. They draw it out. Like Russia and Ukraine would never end. Just Olga Petrova running at Ivanka Zadiska, whatever, with two guns. Right. Please fight. No. Yeah, picking a movie would suck for the guy.

What should we see? 13 going on 30 or Goodfellas? Goodfellas is like, we'll see. We'll see 13 going on 30. What do you think? Like're like, we'll see. We'll see 13 going on 30. What do you got? Like I said, not very good. I don't know what I have, man. I don't know if I have anything worthwhile quite yet.

There's a lot there. Do you have anything more? I got one of you. Yeah. This is also just nothing here, maybe. So I went on this safari, and you got these guides, this Australian guy. He's got fatigues on. He's driving the Jeep.

He's super manly. And there's this animal rights lady in the Jeep with us, and she's very progressive. But yet, animal life is very conservative. It's strict gender roles. It's territorial. It's segregated. It's strict gender roles. It's territorial.

It's segregated. There was one point where a male wildebeest was humping another male wildebeest, and the guy was like, oh, what's going on there? And he's like, no, there's two males. They're not having sex. They're just playing. So it was very strict old school. It was like the 50s. And I just thought it could be funny.

What if a lion didn't want to do the gender roles you know it's like the lion's got to get the food the male lion and the female watches the cubs and what if the male lion's like fuck this i want to do a podcast or you know the girl's like i want to be a graphic designer i don't want to do this either because we have the privilege to sway and run around and do different shit would also be funny in that world like you need the dude to kill yes yeah that's funny to me like you need the like they don't get to choose right they're at war with other animals and there's no victim shit like they'll just kill an impala and that's it there's not like a protest like we got to stop these lions from killing the impala we're people too you know it's just they don't get to talk about the killing afterwards like

if i had to kill for my wife i wouldn't shut the fuck up i would bring home the body we would talk about the body you would there would be a selfie with the body yes you would bang me for the body you know but male lions are just like here's a body so yeah no gloating no gloating. No gloating. That's good. Overkilling. All right. That's funny. I think we got something here.

It's very old school. This is just an idea I had. There's like nothing really here yet. But I threw this out there and this kind of got something, but it needs more. But it was about how I met with someone at TikTok. And I was like, what's the deal? All my videos get pulled down on TikTok. Everything's like hate speech to you guys. I had a a nazi joke it pulled down she goes well you can't

there's robots that can't detect sarcasm so they if you talk about nazis they have no sense of humor about it i was like well it sounds like a nazi yeah you know what i mean so that hit but i don't know where the fuck to go with that but it's like is that good for anything robots are monitoring that's who's in charge of comedy on your app is robots yeah this is an art form this is all subjective and we got a robot at the helm that's crazy i don't want to i feel i feel nervous calling this an art form because then the angle is like you know what if uh fucking if you saw like a pollock and a robot's like, nope. Right, right, right. But you know what I mean? Like maybe that is the angle.

I don't know. Maybe there's, you go to like, there should be a, like when you go to a comedy show at the cellar or whatever, there should be a capture for a comedy show to get you in. Where you're like, pick like, you know,

whatever squares have buses in them. And if you fail, you're allowed into the comedy show. Oh, interesting. If you fuck that up. Rob if you fail, you're allowed into the comedy show. Oh, if you fuck that up. Yeah. Robots. Yeah.

Robots. That's the future. Can't AI write a joke right now? AI can't stand up. Chat GGT or GBT. Yeah. It's like writing rap songs. You can like write 10 minutes on,

you know, airline food and it'll do it. I know. Like all these kids are using it for term papers and shit. It's blowing up. It's amazing. Remember like doing papers on, I mean, we were like the end of the beginning of the internet so it was like you find something you're like you fucking plagiarize this right now it's like you really fucking can get caught i know

in the back of rolling stone there was an ad for buy your term paper someone would do it for you i remember that yeah yeah dude in my college we had something called the honor system where you could take a you could take an exam take a paper anywhere on campus as long as it was outdoors. So you could take your exam, go out into the lawns and kind of write it. And they had 16 students who were like the honor police who nobody knew who they were. Right. And they would write you out. Whoa.

I cheated in 80% of my exams. Yeah. Same. Because I was like, nobody's going to catch you yeah because i was like nobody's gonna catch you so i just like go into my dorm room and like finish half my paper yeah no i did college online because i've quit college to go do comedy my parents you got to finish it so i finished it in new york online and you just got the you got google right there you're you're it's so stupid but i got the degree well uh sorry we didn't do your bit.

Oh, no, I mean, the bit is whatever. I'll figure it out. But maybe a Nazi would like the Jew jokes. You know, you go back to the Nazi thing. Oh, yeah, send him more Jew jokes. Yeah, that's how you get back into TikTok. Not Nazi jokes. Right. Send that robot Jew jokes.

Because it's a Nazi. Yeah, well, that might be. No, no, no. No, I'm thinking. I'm thinking. No, I think the angle. That is funny. If you're like the Jew jokes are.

Those are working. Those don't get pulled down. Exactly. Man, this really is Nazis. Yeah, that could be the angle. Aha. Okay. They find these Jew jokes hilarious. Yeah, there's something there.

Stole it from you. All right. All right. So here are some dates. Oh, we got some dates from here. Go straight to March because those February dates are pushed. pushed sorry uh but yeah that's where i'm at all right west um huntsville nashville baltimore sacramento of course watches new special landing on netflix yeah my eyes are bad and that's far away so i wouldn't be able to milwaukee austin providence new haven oh bray improv that's fun that's a fun one I wouldn't be able to read that. Milwaukee, Austin, Providence, New Haven.

Oh, Brea Improv, that's fun. That's a fun one. Yeah, San Antonio, get the breakfast tacos. Good time.

Houston, Pittsburgh. Nice. Oh, you got some good rooms. Yep, with my three new minutes. Hey,

build it though. I can't wait. That singer-songwriter is going to bury it. Awesome, man. Do you want some dates? Yeah, let's get some other dates

going on also get Bodega Cat Whiskey at bodegacatwhiskey.com get fuck it get fuck it please get fuck it I got Vancouver

coming up Seattle Portland keep going down Salamanca what else Salt Lake City Huntington

yeah you read it Atlantic City in February there you go Royal Oak March 2nd that's a good room Minneapolis March 3rd that's a big one Salt Lake City, Huntington. Yeah, you read it. Atlantic City in February. There you go. Royal Oak, March 2nd. That's a good room. Minneapolis, March 3rd.

That's a big one. Yeah. Milwaukee, New Haven, Connecticut. Boston, Boston, Boston. Whoa, what's that? The Wilbur. One of the best rooms in the country. That many nights?

Five nights? Four right now. We're going to add a fifth. Hell yeah. Miami, Orlando, Ponte Verde, which is basically Jacksonville, Atlanta, Charleston, Durham, Charlottesville. Tickets still available for that one. Norfolk, D.C. added the second one there. Wilkes Bar and Portchester.

More coming soon. But we love you guys. Thanks for buying tickets. Yes. And you got a ton of great stuff on YouTube, too. So check out all of us on YouTube. We got a ton of great stuff on YouTube too so check out all of us on YouTube we got a ton of stuff I'm all over the road Hawaii

oh boy Miami I can't read any of this Spokane Comedy Club Mullet Arena Mullet Arena oh I'm doing we're doing the Super Bowl

with Kreischer that would be fun in Phoenix are you really yeah we're not doing the Super Bowl we're going to the Super Bowl but doing a theater

the night before five shows I thought we were doing a theater the night before. Five shows. We're doing a halftime show. I'm like, it's you and Rihanna? Yeah. Holy shit. She's opening for me. I thought you would have mentioned that.

No, no. You know, I hit her once. Let's see. Skyline in February, and then after that. Rochester, Comedy at the Carlson, Laugh It Up, all kinds of fun stuff. Poughkeepsie, New York. Come on by. We got a special taping in March, so I'm really trying to hammer this thing down.

In Chicago. Nice. At the Vic. Alright. You were weird about saying it last week. I never know what we can say. You can say whatever. Nah, you're right. Fuck it. The N-word. Alright. Thanks, guys. That's the N-word. That's an N-word. Thank you, boys.

Alright. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Veer. Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of Piverec, you know the Veer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming. And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. We might be true.