We Might Be Drunk - Ep 120: Matt Ruby

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

Episode Description brought to you by Chat GPT Welcome to "We Might Be Drunk," the podcast where comedians Mark Normand and Sam Morril get together with a guest, share a few drinks, and discuss everything from pop culture to politics, with no topic off-limits. On this episode, Mark and Sam are joined by their hilarious friend and fellow comedian, Matt Ruby. They pop open a few cold drinks and dive right into a raucous conversation on current pop culture events, diving into topics like the latest celebrity scandals, upcoming movie releases and TV shows, and more. The host and guest are at their witty and observant best, offering hilarious insights into the world of popular culture that will have the listeners laughing out loud. Mark and Sam have unmatched comedic chemistry, making the show something that you'll want to keep listening to for hours on end. Together, they make every turn of the conversation an opportunity for a joke or gag, all while keeping the conversation interesting and engaging. The guests they bring on the show are always a treat, and Ruby is no exception, adding his perspective and funny observations about the world of pop culture. So grab a drink, sit back, and join in the fun as Mark, Sam, and Matt entertain you with their witty insights on everything from pop culture to politics. This episode of "We Might Be Drunk" is an audio rollercoaster that you won't want to miss! Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Matt Ruby: https://www.mattrubycomedy.com/ Support the show by going to http://www.sheathunderwear.com &; use promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order. Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code DRUNK for 20% off. Save 15% with code DRUNK at https://zbiotics.com/DRUNK Visit https://www.fitbod.me/DRUNK to get 25% off your subscription of FitBod Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com/shop Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/

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balls. Let's do it. Are you rolling? Oh, baby. No bartender today? No Salamanca? Yes, the teacher's away. And the mice will play.

You got that right. I don't think that was the expression. The mice are gay. The cat's away. The mice will play. That's it. Close enough. But we got

some mark vodka sodas yeah i made them strong it's a beautiful day it's 60 degrees in new york global warming love it cheers hit me push it hard this weekend but i'm having a great day i helped two people in new york how'd you help them uh a blind lady fell in the street on 6th Avenue, and I ran to save her, picked her up. She was all old and fucked up, and I called her a cab. And then on the way here, an old... I hope she doesn't listen to this podcast. Because then it's not really helping. She was all old and disgusting, and I saved her. She had snot, bad dress.

So yeah, I helped her, got her a cab, and then on the way here, I ran out of the subway, and there was an old lady on top with a bag, and she was like, and I was like, let me get the bag, and I took the bag, and I ran it down. She was an old bag. But don't you just feel, you want people to see that. I'm like, where's all my haters? I want you to see me helping these old folks. You do hope someone sees that.

Yeah. That's when you want to get recognized exactly you never get recognized when you want to it's i know it's always you coming out of like a fucking porn store and you're like i went in as a joke right right yeah why are you hard wait no that's part of the joke i commit yes no it's uh i know you mean me i i had a guy uh stopped me the other day on the street and he was like uh he just kind of, you know, when it's coming, he gave me a look and I was like, I give him like a hello. And then he, then he goes, Josh Hart for the Knicks. And I was like, it's a good sign and I like it. And then he goes, I have a startup.

And I'm like, oh, here we go. You blew it. We had a thing. It was a good thing. Yeah. Never ask for things, folks. It's all gravy until you start going, I have a script. You got to read it.

Or I want you to be in this or whatever. And you're like, damn it. Now I got to say no to you. I know. What's up with this one? I had a show in Spokane. Great show. Great clubs.

Did you go to Frank's Diner? I went to Frank's Diner. That's a great diner. Great diner. In the boxcar? Yes. I love that. Amazing. it was a

line too but we waited classic veder fought for that one everyone on the road he's like we gotta go to frank's let's go it's great it's great old school the other one the greasy spoon what's the other satellite's a good one too oh it's got some clutch diners yeah well it's like a working town you know a lot of blue-collar people go going there but had this one crowd that sucked and then i do the q a at the end and they're going how's your how's the house coming in brooklyn what's up with your watch beeping they knew everything about me i'm like you guys know me you're the biggest fans you know more about me than my father and you're the worst crowd isn't that the weirdest thing well that's like our greatest fear is like once they get to know you they're no longer really

invested but they were invested they were there but they're not but they but you want the laugh you want the i think they were just like oh this is cool we're seeing him in front of us but they weren't like ha haing now i've had that a couple times in the road where they just want to be there it's like i feel like sometimes podcasting is ruining stand-up yeah yeah because they want to talk to you they don't want to watch you right i guess i do think most of the shows are still killer but occasionally i get that feeling yeah seven out of eight were great but that one tell They want to talk to you. They don't want to watch you. Right. I guess. But I do think most of the shows are still killer. But occasionally I get that feeling. Yeah.

Seven out of eight were great. But that one. Like David Tell would be like podcast-ruining. Definitely. I think. Definitely. Or the Colin Quinns of the world. Yeah, yeah.

But they also help so much. They help sell tickets. And you get to know. The fans get to know you more. So they know your humor more. Yeah. So. No, it's a double-edged sword but uh

yeah i was in salt lake with uh gary we did we hit it up man we did it right tan france uh got a little lunch with tan france who said he'll come on the pod so i'm gonna hold him please come on here we want him on i need his help with my special i don't know what to wear you should hit him up i'm worried he's gonna be too fashiony no, I think you say what you want, and he gets you a cooler version of what you want. All right. That's his job. Tanny, let's do it. Yeah.

Yeah, that's what he does. He's the fashion guy. All right, all right. I need him. My favorite part of that show, Queer Eye, is when the guy is like, you know, I hated gay people before, and now I realize they're really cool. I'm like, well, not all gay people are just going to fix your life. That's not how all gay people are. Right, they're not guardian angels.

They're gays. They were annoying gay people, too. That's true. These are just, they were hired to help. Right, right. I think they are, gays have some, what do you, qualities that make them better than the typical straight guy oh yeah fashion at of course way and uh you know decorating there if you're not ripped as a gay guy now i'm kind of like what are you doing yeah it's like a black guy with a small dick it's it's tough yeah come on man

i had a friend growing up black guy he couldn't dance wow and it was a ruined his life he was just like we'd have dance parties or go to the bar. And white guys can go out there and do this shit, and nobody bats an eye. Because they're like, oh, he's a white guy. But if a black guy is going like this, it's a bad look. Yeah, I had a black friend growing up who sucked at basketball. And it crushed him. It crushed him.

He played really hard on D, but it was to make up for the fact that there was no offensive ability. Of course. I grew up with a dumb Asian. He was a drug addict. He was an idiot. We were all like, what are you doing? You're Asian. He's like, I know.

It sucks. This whole string of stereotypes is called, we're going to get canceled immediately. We're going to get demonetized on YouTube. Yeah. No, you know, it's, I knew a gay guy. No. I knew a gay guy. I love pussy.

It was horrible. He couldn't get any dick. His name was Matt Salicus. I knew a gay guy. No. I knew a gay guy. I love pussy. It was horrible. He couldn't get any dick. His name was Matt Salicus. But, yeah, no, it's like ripped gay dudes. Although you go to the gym and it's like you can hook up at the gym. I know. I can't hook up at the gym.

No, no. I see hot women at the gym and I can't. Like sometimes I'll get like a hello or something and you're like, hey. But you're like, I don't have. You know. I see hot women at the gym, and I can't. Sometimes I'll get a hello or something, and you're like, hey. But you're like, I don't have. You know what I see? Sometimes a trainer at the gym I go to will be friendly, and she's hot. Yeah. But in my head, I'm like, but you look at me like I'm shit.

Of course. It's like if we saw an open mic comic. Right, right, right. You're not dazzling anyone with that part of you. Yeah, good point. But is she like, I'm the fitness person, so I kind of like that you're not dazzling anyone with that part of you Yeah good point But is she like I'm the fitness person So I kind of like that you're not Because you don't want to date an open mic comic Because that's just too much comedy

Although you've dated comics so have I So maybe that's no good No it's tough But yeah it's Yeah no you're right maybe that's not what But I just think like they're so good at that They look at me like you're a bitch Don't you just need like a shredded giant dude Yeah that's true you'd think that's a tough one but then she's probably

not funny and you're funny so maybe that fills a hole yeah as long as the hole is being filled i'm happy yeah there we go can i read you some peeves okay because we haven't done peeves in a while i got a list i've got a list all right've got a list. All right. All right. So I'm at the cellar with Ryan Hamilton the other night, a good friend of ours. Love the hand. And Ryan's got a brilliant new chunk about getting hit by a bus. Amazing. Which was really hit by a bus.

Yeah. It's a crazy story. It's cool to watch that type of bit kill at the cellar. Yeah. But it's a long bit that's pretty fucking depressing that he's just killing with. Totally. We're walking late at night and some woman sneaks up behind us as we're crossing the street and she goes, a bus is coming. And we're like, Jesus.

And I'm like, he was actually hit by a bus. He's got PTSD. Was she joking? It doesn't matter. The damage is done. Wow. So what did he do? He freaked out.

Oh, my Lord. It doesn't matter. The damage is done. Whoa, wow. So what did he do? He freaked out. Oh, my Lord. He was just like, I mean, it was like half a second, but then she's like bowled over laughing. I'm like, guess what? That's not a good joke if there are three people here and two of them don't think it's funny. Yeah, that's a good point. But he's, you know, you can tell he's like, what the fuck? Yeah. Wow.

That's heavy. Yeah. But how far does it go if you're like, Ryan's here at dinner with him and he's like, what the fuck? Yeah. Wow. That's heavy. Yeah. But how far does it go if you're like, Ryan, you're at dinner with him, and he's like, oh, these plates need to come clear. And you're like, oh, here comes a bus boy. Ah, shit. He's bussing the table. Like, where does it end?

Well, it ends there. I think in a restaurant, I think you're okay. All right. All right. But I think on the street, you're like, this really happened to him. He nearly was killed. All right. He was in the hospital for many days.

I know. He was all fucked up. He's still a little wonky. That's a peeve, by the way, also, is the ha-ha. It was a joke. Yeah, the prank joke. The prank joke's not really a joke. Totally.

Like when a guy would hit you in the balls, and he'd be like, ah, I gotcha. Impractical jokers work, because they're all in on it right they're like we know we're gonna get fucked over yeah but when you're just doing it to a stranger you're kind of a piece of shit that's true yeah and you're the only one laughing yeah joke's not funny like our set doesn't work if we're just like just haha and they're just like we don't we don't get it you hear that chapelle quit laughing at your own jokes. I would say it's all comics out there. But yeah, yeah. No, I agree.

She got one. It's the same with this move. You know, that whole thing or this one. You know, whatever that is. Or this one, if it's like a hot girl, you're like, alright, she's flirting. That's true. I'll take it. I take this back. If a woman does any of these things, it's okay. Because it means she's flirting and in her defense she didn't know about the bus thing she did oh she did that's why she

did it why would she do the bus line she saw him at the cellar that's crazy that's why it's fucking that's why it's fucked up yeah damn can't can't do that with rape no it's the guy with the ski mask yeah exactly boy that's tough that's pretty shitty yeah pretty shitty yeah she should blow up and he's like i'm about to bust all right i hope she gets hit by a bus that'd be hilarious we're just like well karma what do you got you got a peeve karma bus ma okay uh mark is committed to this pun. Yes. He's making this pun work. How about this?

Yeah. What about the guy who gives too many handshakes? Oof. I hate the too many handshake guy. What are we doing? You know, he comes in. We're having dinner. Hey, how are you, man?

All right. Good to meet you. Yeah, yeah. He's like, just, I gotta say, big fan of your car. Oh, yeah. All right. All right. All right.

We're heading out. Hey, hey. Okay. And keep putting out more stuff, man. Don't change. I'm like, all right. We've shaken. All right. All right. All right. We're heading out. Hey, hey. Okay. And keep putting out more stuff, man. Don't change. I'm like, all right. We've shaken hands four times. It's been three minutes.

This jerk off's running for mayor all of a sudden. Just come in and shake a fucking hand. I know. I was going to be coming to a Purell mug after this guy. I was like, this is enough. That's the thing. It's like, it's a drunk usually. It is.

He was drunk. It's a drunk. The drunks need constant validation. I think that's why it's annoying because they're constantly being like, more. That's what it is. That's what it is he was drunk it's a drunk the drunks need constant validation i think that's why it's annoying because they're constantly being like more that's what it is look at me yeah they're like kids in the pool that are like mommy right but as an adult and i'm not your fucking mom i know so i just started switching to this because this is a lot you know it's kind of you're touching palms i get a little sweat there this i'm it's easy. So I just switched over after the fourth one to pounding. Yeah.

But I know what you mean. You get a lot of those. Sometimes you get this guy, the over-complimenter who's drunk. Yeah. But I think you're great, man. You're like, thank you. And he's like, no, I really like you. And you're like, I like you too.

And they're like, well, I think you're, and I'm like, guess what? I don't like you anymore. Yeah. Too much. I don't know where to go. By the fourth one, you've told me I'm funny. I don't know what else to say. Thank you again. Appreciate it. Yeah. I don't like you anymore. Yeah. Too much. I don't know where to go. But the fourth one, you've told me I'm funny. I don't know what else to say.

Thank you again. Appreciate it. Yeah. I don't know. Then you seem ungrateful. It's a tough spot. Well, the guy who's that drunk, if someone's that much past your level, there's no connecting because they're not going to remember any of this shit.

Yeah. They're so far past you. You're kind of like, well, I'm just having to wait. It's like talking to a guy who just lies to you all the time. Right. Where you're just like, well, none of this is real and none of this is registering. So you're just like, this is kind of like well i'm just having to wait it's like talking to a guy who just lies to you all the time right you're just like well none of this is real and none of this is registering so you're just like this is kind of a waste yeah i i hooked up with a girl years ago we were in the back seat of a car making out and she was so hot she was like way out of my league and i couldn't

stop bringing it up because i was insecure and eventually she was like stop telling me i'm hot and i was like all right all right just kissing her neck like are you sure yeah yeah but i like i would pull away and i was like god you're gorgeous i was drunk too and she was like oh thanks you've done that yeah and i couldn't believe once in a while you're sure you every once in a while you pull a fish that's a little too big yes yes how did i i pulled a lot of big fish but i'm just saying she she was like a hot lady like a like a model-y hot lady in la and i couldn't stop saying it and she had to tell me to stop and i was turning her off because she kept realizing how big of a deal this was for me no that's hilarious yeah you blew it by acting like you've never been there yes exactly i didn't i didn't end up banging her you have to neg the

you have to be it's like a model but you have to be like i mean you're okay yeah yeah i've seen better she would have loved that yeah so yeah i got kicked out of that that uber damn yeah in an uber no i wasn't an uber but i was just saying i we were in the back seat of her car and eventually she was like i gotta get going i was like all right yeah i've definitely they can tell if it's too big a deal. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And let me ask you this. You ever hooked up with a girl, then followed her on Instagram just so you can see her more? I don't think so. Ah,

me neither. That's just, you're like, you want to remind yourself every time it pops up, you know, you're like, oh yeah, hooked up with her.

I'm about to check your follows. Oh yeah. Good idea. I want to see some pop up. He's following his aunt. I'll be Dan, Helena Bonham Carter. about to check your follows. Oh, yeah. Good idea. I want to see some pop up. He's following his aunt. I'll be, Dan, Helena Bonham Carter. That's a weird one. No, we-

Sometimes you want to watch the world burn. I don't like- Sometimes you get a DM from a private account, and I'm like, what, are you insane? Yeah, that's annoying. A DM from a private account? Yeah. I was talking to Jared Freed, who's like a relationship guru. He's great.

He gives great advice, and he was like- We'll get him on here. We got to get him on here. We got to do a relationship guru. He's great. He gives great advice. We'll get him on here. We got to get him on here. We got to do like a dating episode because he's so good at that shit. I think that's his whole act is like a dating thing. Yeah. I mean, he's got other stuff too, but we were at a bar the other night and it's hilarious. I was already drunk and then Freed showed up and I'm like, I'm toast.

It's over. It's over. I was drunk and he just goes, where are you? And I told him. And he just walks in. I was like, how did you get here that quickly? And he's a drunk. You know when you drink with someone where every time you turn around, they're handing you another drink? Yes, that's him. I'm like, how the fuck?

He's a pro. This is like the Old West, how quick you are. Yeah. He turned around. He's polishing the bar. No, he is that guy. He can drink. He can party. He moved to the village, and I bumped into him he's polished on the bar. No, he is that guy. He can drink, he can party. He moved to the village, and I bumped into him.

I live in the village, and he was like, I already got where I'm going to eat every day. I know where all these bars are. He mapped it all out. He's like a real organized drunk. No, he's great, and he knows every bar to go to, and he knows every bar at what time. Yes, yes.

That's the impressive thing. It's one thing to know a good bar, but he goes, this one takes off around 2 a.m and i was totally i was bombed i had to almost sneak out it was freezing and i just saw you ever do this i just saw a cab yeah it was like 4 a.m and oh yeah i just gunned for it gotta do it but you know it's the only way because he'll give you another shot he fucking goes hard you don't need a lot lot of Jews who are tanks like that. Yeah, well, he's Boston.

I think he was in a frat. So he's had the Jew pushed out of him. And he went to Penn State. And he went to Penn State. Come on. So he drank away the Semitism. Semitism. Is that a word?

He killed it. Yeah. He killed it. I got another peeve here. How about hotels where you have to turn on 40 lamps to make the room bright? Oh, I hate that. How about one control light? I completely agree.

You know I hate lamps. We were in a cool hotel, and it wasn't fancy. It was just one of those cool hotels. Yeah. Geez, I don't even remember where the hell we were. Portland. And we're in a cool hotel. We walk in.

I swear to God, I had to run around the room. The worst. Still dark. Still dark. They're trying to be too boutique-y and too hip. They want all these hand-picked lamps. This is from Nicaragua. This is from a thrift store.

This is a cat with the eyes. Like, come on. None of it with the aesthetic. A cat with the eyes. It's too much they're trying so hard to be quirky that there's no you can't do any writing that's what it's too quirky yes it's like a hipster who's like you're like we get it you fucking were into the band before right you know you only watch foreign films that's what you are as a hotel yeah i know

i'm gonna jerk off in here take a big dump and fuck a fat fish just give me a lamp give me a light it's like you ever see the guy with like the the faux hawk yes that's that is a hotel this doesn't even look good it's just you want me to notice you yeah exactly exactly and quirky is the opposite of efficient efficient is like some uh nerdy autistic guy who's like this is the lamp it goes in the middle of the ceiling. One switch turns it on. It's 8 million kilowatts. Quirky is like, ooh, we're going to be on Pinterest.

We're going to have one of those little sand things with the rake that does nothing. You know that thing? What is that? That meditation? Zen Garden. Zen Garden. Thank you. Can you pull it up?

What does that look like? Pull it up. It's so pointless, but it's, you know. I never meditate. Everyone tells me to meditate. I never do it. I've tried, and the worst thoughts I've ever had came up, but I never did it again. I pay for one of them.

It's Headspace or something? Yeah, Headspace. I tried that. I pay for it. I might have just unsubscribed, but it was not pricey, but pricey enough that I was like i should do this yes you ever just spend enough where you're like i'll do this because it's enough money that i'll feel guilty and i just still didn't do it totally yeah fuck that i tried it too and i got like a day and it feels good when you do it it does i should do it it takes a little

discipline we should we should try it we should. Yeah, because all the most brilliant people meditate. I'm so bored. Me too. My mind wanders too much. I'll try to do yoga sometimes on the road just to stretch out after all the flying, and I'm so bored. Yeah, me too. That's guided. That's someone telling you what to do, but it's all these holes, and I'm just like, what am I doing?

But maybe the boredom, we need to fight it. Maybe we need to go lean into the boredom because we're so good at grabbing a phone or putting on TV or whatever. Are you telling me I'm hiding from something? But I think it is a skill. If you can overcome that, you've really conquered something. Yeah, you're right. I mean, that's probably why guys like Jerry seem so disciplined. Yeah.

Because they force themselves. I know a lot of writers who do that shit. Athletes. Brian Koppelman or boy brian is another one who totally yeah and then you ever think this now we're getting heavy but i was watching this dolphin documentary and a guy was a bus boy and he was staring through a fence at this water park looking at dolphins in his like the 70s and he became the big biggest dolphin trainer in the world what if he had a cell phone in the 70s he might not even notice the dolphins you know what i'm saying just staring at his phone and tick-tocking and hot girls twerking and uh you know memes but now he's got no phone he's just staring at dolphins the 70s i think about that all the time like writers like hemingway if they had like people they would they had their friends being

like look at this cat video yes yes you think he would have written the sun also rises fuck no he probably also wouldn't have blown his brains out but yeah you're right i mean you had to figure something out like when i was a kid you'd go outside with with my brother and we would just pick up a stick and hit each other or make a game out of it or a wizard or whatever the fuck we sound old right now but there's truth to it. Yes, yes. There's something about the – also, Nick Griffin, you said this great bit. He has so many of my favorite bits, but Nick Griffin had a joke where he said –

I think it's Romeo and Juliet or West Side Story, whatever, same shit. They lock eyes from across the room. Right. Oh, that's great. He goes with cell phones. He's like – you're trying to make eye contact. You're like, what are you doing? You're like, you're my soulmate.'s such a relatable that's killer man he's good i mean people do meet online but it is different i always feel

better when i meet someone in person like i met a girl in a bar the other night and i was like this is like fucking a throwback that's huge how often do you even do that anymore i know i know and it's it's so normal to not do that now that doing that is weird, almost. It is weird. Yeah. By the way, shout out to not just you, but also previous guest Alison Brie and her buddy Ronan Hirshberg, who have all told me now to see Defending Your Life. And I watched it.

Oh, let's hear it. It's great. It's amazing. Poignant, funny. Poignant as hell. Interesting. Very good. Rip torn. I know. It's amazing. Poignant, funny. Poignant as hell. Interesting. Very good. Rip torn.

I know. He's the greatest. He's the man. And Albert Brooks is a genius. So good. Meryl Streep? Yeah. Is she ever not great?

She's great. And they don't make movies like that anymore. It's such a high concept idea. It's kind of like Groundhog Day where you you can be it could you could take your time yeah right they don't make movies like that now you got to hit them so quickly totally i watched the pam anderson doc too i watched that i think it's pretty good yeah yeah it's like humanizes her like crazy oh man i had such a crush on her same like every boy but like but same old story molested beaten bad dad bad dad, shitty family.

And then you meet Tommy Lee and you're like, this is just her dad. Yeah. It's so crazy similar. I was trying to do a new bit the other night about how every relationship I've ever been in, when a woman's yelling at me, it's like the opposite of Star Wars. I'm just like, I am not your father. That's great. That's great.

When you're drunk, you sound like Yoda. The condom broke it did you know uh yeah he's her dad it's sad it's like you do and then when she said at one point in the doc not to spoil it but i don't think i'm giving away a ton here she basically said uh she basically said like i never made peace with the fact that I couldn't make it work with the father of my kids. And I was like, fuck, that's brutal. Because she got married, like, five times after that. She did? Yeah.

I didn't get that far. Four or five times after that. Kid Rock was one of them. I remember that one. There was a few. Yeah, that sex tape really fucked her up. Well, he got, like, you know props for it almost yeah when you're a rock star that's cool that's true when you're a woman it's just not cool not cool unless you're

kim kardashian i guess like she she popped like the right time i guess with it and she put hers out purposely they say damn and it but she played she had a play she had a plan screech you know screech was like this one's gonna fucking yeah it's gonna bring me back did did he stab a guy i think he got stabbed oh he got stabbed wow that's more believable yeah i don't know what happened but that's true damn screech was really that's like such a weird american story i know like the kind of the dweeb on the show yeah you're the fucked up one yeah oh wait he did stab oh he stabbed a guy yeah well i think he's got a rule he's got to get rid of that old image said stabbing that doesn't mean that's true former child was sentenced for once for

on christmas day in a bar fight in wisconsin what is that a country song can you imagine getting killed your friends like what happened? Screech. Screech stabbed him. Oh, man, that's brutal. He should have gone, time out. Mr. Belding shot him, dude. Mr. Belding shot him, man. Damn.

Damn, I loved that show. So did I. I watched it all the time. I even watched the Miss Bliss years, and I watched the college years. Miss Bliss was fucking hot. Oh, yeah. She was just a good person and a good teacher. Yeah.

She cared. Right, right. And then the college years were hot because they were older. Yeah. You know, Kelly Kapowski was like a woman. Damn, she was a hot woman. Hot woman. She got breast implants, too, at the end, and it really kicked her up a notch.

Where do you stand on breast implants? I like ours. Yeah. I prefer real, but breast implants look so good in clothing. You know, when you're feeling them, you're like, man, is it kind of hard as a rock, and it takes you out of it a little bit, but when you see them in a shirt. It's like a wrapped gift. Uh-huh, yes.

The wrapping is nice, but then you undo it. You're like, do we need this paper? Yeah, good point, good point. But a real tit, it's like getting cash. You know, this is good all around. Thanks, Mom. Tit coin. Tit coin.

Yeah, I was never in a certain thing. Pierce nipples freak me out, too. I don't love Pierce nipples. I don't love them. The only thing good about Pierce Morgan, I mean, Nipples, is you see him in a shirt and you're like, this girl's fun. Like, you see him through the shirt. You're like, oh, she's cool. But I don't love him in person.

Oh, I remember. I was in Springfield, Missouri, and I had DeVito with me and this young comic, Liam Nelson. And Liam is like seven feet tall. He's got these four girls coming out feet tall he's uh he's got these four girls coming out and he's like I've got four chicks coming I'm like this is hilarious he's just hosting the show trying to get laid I'm like this is like bringing me back

yeah to being young good for him and he's like pointing them out to me and I'm on stage I'm like afterwards I'm like dude I could see one of them pierced nipples from like 40 feet away it's like a little aggressive yeah yeah they know what they're doing yeah so you away. It's like a little aggressive. Yeah, yeah. They know what they're doing. See, look, that's just a hot look.

I don't care who you are. Oh, the Cuomo. That was a real 180. He had pierced nipples. You never knew that? Yeah, I blocked it out. I remember now. Jesus Christ, what is he thinking?

He is a weird dude. He's single. He was like a sex guy. He was a fuck guy. Fuck boy. Yeah, but we a sex guy. You know, he was a fuck guy. Fuck. Yeah, but we don't we don't need to know that about our politicians. I agree. Can you imagine if you just found out like Elizabeth Warren had a Pierce clit?

You'd be like, what are we doing? What are we doing here? That's hilarious. It's just a lot. Pelosi's got a bad tramp stamp. It's like a stock market thing. Yeah, he really he really fucked his brother's life up too huh yeah yeah he said he almost killed himself that's like that's like a it's like almost like a succession level thing where like you kind of just kind of do right by

your brother and then he fucks your life over i know and it was the big andrew cuomo during the beginning of the pandemic i was staying at the the ladies house or their parents in Boston, Cape Cod. Damn. And we would watch the Cuomo thing every day. It was like it was like an old 50s thing where we all come together around the TV and listen. You know, people thought he was going to be the Democratic nominee, though. Like he's totally take over. Can you imagine if he was president?

Yeah. Oh, my God. Nipple rings up on the podium. That's insane. Does it shirtless? He, oh my God. Nipple rings up on the podium. That's insane. He just does it shirtless. He's got a whip. There's a girl next to him. The first lady's ball gagged.

Yeah, that was wild. Well, there's no first lady. He would have been, I guess, the first president to win a single president. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Holy shit, it's a different girl every every speech yeah just fucks whores damn that would be easier when you're dealing with foreign leaders though you just you're like i brought some whores out and they're like this guy's all right it's like liam there's no but you know biden's going he's like let me check in with jill real quick yeah that's true pussy

whipped also we don't have to pretend to like their book. Oh, Michelle Obama wrote a book. Oh, all right. No first lady. No book. But all these girls were TikToking, I remember, about how much they thought Andrew Cuomo was hot. I know. They were like, he's so sexy. He's taking charge. He's a real man. And then-

Women get duped. Yeah, I guess you're right. They really get duped. I mean, also, how often do we do this with the media where like they just will raise up this guy who's like a hero. And then it turns out to be like Michael Avenatti. Oh, he was huge. He was people. Women were like, I want to fuck him.

So sexy. People like this guy rules. And now he's like a con man who's millions of dollars. But that's what the media does. They will build its ratings. It's like, yeah, it's like a TV show. It's like this will be our hero this totally season. And they do it with bad guys, too. Some guys aren't actually that bad, but they'll just go. He's evil. He's evil. He's ratings. It's like a TV show. It's like, this will be our hero this season. And they do it with bad guys, too.

Some guys aren't actually that bad, but they'll just go, he's evil, he's evil, he's great. It's like pro wrestling. I'm with you, man. Putin seems all right. If you get to know him. I don't know. Well, like Ukraine is full of Nazis and all this shit. We're like, oh, we're supposed to like Ukraine?

All right. It is like a series. Yeah. Nobody's perfect, but we make some people heroes and some people villains, and they keep flipping and flopping. Any other peeves? Yeah, I got another one. Now, I hope I haven't brought this up before, but you know me.

I'm an aisle guy on a flight. Love the aisle. But I hate the guy with the window shade open. But look, he got the window seat, so it's his window. I get it. But here i get it but here's my beef windows open it's four eight it's eight a.m just piping sunbeams coming in there like crazy yeah he's asleep on the wall now the beam it doesn't even hit him but it hits everybody else yeah i see people two rows behind me going like this shit it's fucking cyclops it's awful it's brutal the morning move it's a dick move in the morning it's a dick move and i don't

think he realizes because he's off nuzzled on the wall and the windows in front of him he should realize he should so that's part of being a decent member of society is realizing exactly and i'm being i'm kind of being passive aggressive i'm putting like the menu in my glasses like trying to build a wall on my uh on my face so I can't get any sun. I've got the hood up over half my face. And eventually, I couldn't take it anymore. And I leaned over him while he was asleep. And I slowly put the shade down quietly.

And two people were like, wow. So I got some approval. But I couldn't take it anymore. The guy's obsessed with the wall. The guy's like, see, the wall works. It fucking works. You use that. It does block things out.

Yeah, yeah. It worked for that. Yeah. No, it's a dick move. Here's another dick move on morning flights is the loud guy. Oh, yes, yes. Even if you're not trying to sleep, that's a fucking bad energy in the morning. Totally, totally.

You ever have the guy, I heard this, he's just talking to the flight attendant, rather. He's going, did you bring a food on the flight? Did you bring food? Like, very loud. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, I got food. And he's like, you eat what we eat? And he's like, no, I brought my own thing from home. He's like, they don't feed you?

And I'm like, oh, give this guy a fucking humanitarian award. Fuck you. We're all trying to sleep, you piece of shit. I know. And you could go, they don't feed you? And I'm like, oh, give this guy a fucking humanitarian award. Fuck you. We're all trying to sleep, you piece of shit. I know. And you could go, they don't feed you? That's crazy. But you have to go, oh, they don't feed you? You want us to know you're a good person, but we think you're a piece of shit.

Yes, yes. It's backfired. I'm with you. I had the guys. Why don't you peel them off at 20, you piece of shit? Good point. You give them a fruit snack. But I had the two guys behind me and two rows behind me going like, oh, where are you from?

I love Cincinnati. Went twice last year. And just talk to them. You can't just go, oh, yeah, I love Cincinnati. It's great. Great town. The Bengals. Joe Burrow.

I hate that shit. Yeah. The fucking loud voice in the morning. It's also just a voice in public. Yeah. It's people who have nothing interesting to say who are that loud. Right. They're so used to overcompensating.

Hey, we know some comedians who do that. They get louder with the less funny. I remember at List and I went on a flight years ago, and we were kind of crossing each other, and we were just surrounded by dudes on a bachelor party. Oh, no. And they were all in polo shirts, and all of them were just like high-fiving. Yeah. I was in the middle. They're like high-fiving all of them were just like high-fiving yeah i was in the middle they're like high-fiving through me they just keep high-fiving i'm like this is brutal and they're all in the same polo yes yes i've seen that and they're in the same polo shirts and one

of them takes one out and hands it to a guy and he's like dude they just keep high-fiving we're like what is this i know and then you they look they act like you're some kind of square because you're not getting involved with them and you're like what i don't know you guys i hate that shit that'd be a great scene in a movie the high-fiving and then they they order a ton of drinks on the plane and when the plane lands they have to clap for some reason clappers fuck you i hate the clap although i was in a flight in africa once and it was the most rinky-dink plane and when that thing landed i not only clapped i like did the i like faced mecca and did this shit i kissed the runway it was because it was made out with the flight attendant yeah i mean sully would have been like i'm not flying

that thing it was wild yeah we had some bad turbulence on the way back from utah and veters texting me he's like i'm next to a woman who is having a full-blown panic attack oh yeah she's screaming. I was laughing so fucking hard. Crazy. By the way, Veeder's opening for my special. He's the best. I'm pretty excited. He will expect top-shelf food, though.

Okay, I can handle that. He will be demanding some good meals. All right, all right. Literally every text is, you better take me out fancy tonight, bitch. That's every text from him. It's funny how when people are sober, they have to find some other way to get joy. The gym and eating really well. Yeah, and gadgets.

I know people who love gadgets who are sober. Yeah, they're like, have you gotten the new electric blanket that plays music? I'm like, get the hell out of here. Electric blanket? Yeah. Dude, you know what? I got another rec for you. And this is going gonna sound really dumb

but gut health gut health because we like look you're doing the athletic greens now i'm doing it now yeah they're just and this is part of being a drinker i guess where is i will have like you know a bottle and a half of wine and then i wake up the next day and i have you know uh some kimchi and i think all is safe you know but shit like that supposed to be really healthy kimchi or you know anything that's just like everyone i talk to who's really into health is like gut health is health and we do a lot to fuck up our guts oh yeah it's all good well so what is it a pill is it a powder anything i mean just anything to take care of your gut just like health you know eat well anything like okay i think pickled stuff is good right oh really pickled is by the way that's how you know you're getting older when you're like

give me some pickled food yeah no kid is like are these pickled beets you know that's true adults love that i love pickled food i do too but i think our livers are pickled i don't know if that helps yeah because improve your gut yeah oh wow. This is all my rider, the fruits and veggies. Okay, diverse food. I do that. What else? You got veggies. I do a lot of veggies.

Beans, fruit. You do a lot of beans. Yeah, yeah. See? Fermented foods. That's what I was saying. The kimchi. Oh, wow.

Yogurt. Yeah, Greek yogurt's good. Oh, all right, all right. Maybe I'll start doing more kombucha. Probiotics. Kombucha's what I... It's just all sugar and shit. We get enough sugar.

I think about how much sugar we take in just from like i do so much wine on the road oh yeah and i i can't resist a manhattan or negronis man had negroni at a good i was at minetta the other night with rachel feinstein we're just downing negronis so fucking good oh yeah so good late night yeah it's a great bar dead it's funny too because that block is kind of trashy. You know, it's like off the wagon and all these shitty food cookie joint beer pong. Yeah. And then you go there and it's like this sexy ass jazzy vibe.

We got to do a beer pong ep of this, dude. You and me versus someone. I'm down. We're in. Let's do it. Look, that's that what I can do. Breastfeed for at least six months if you can that's hilarious damn women have it hard oh breast just a little baby sucking on your nipple i know they just chew oh my god you see breasts after that oh yeah the damage is

done it's bad news it looks like an old eraser. When you had a tough test. Remember David Tell's joke? Women, you have drinks coming out of you. It's a great bit. If men had drinks coming out of their nipples, what would it be? Beer. I'm driving along. My buddy's sucking my nipple.

We hit a bump. Now he's sucking my dick. Still a little tough. That joke is timeless. He's the best. The king king speaking of way i think we got a we got a surprise guest popping in in any minute now did you give him the intro or the info yeah i think i did let me just double check see if he texted oh yeah you got spots tonight uh i just got asked to do one, but I don't know. I need a night off every once in a while.

Yeah. I hear that. I'm doing an hour at the cellar tomorrow. Oh, I'm doing one tonight. Yeah, they're good. I just like, then the second I have a night off, I'm like, but what am I going to do? Yeah. I don't know.

Should I do it? I know you're going to say yes. I would say it's just because what else are you going to do? And you can do one set and still watch a movie, still have dinner. Like one set isn't really going to ruin you. Yes, I'm in. Fuck it. All right.

There we go. I have no life. Yeah. Is he good? Is our guest all right? Yeah, yeah. He had the right address. Wait.

No, wait. What was it? 251. West 30. Oh, I don't want to give the address away. Or do I? Fuck it. Who cares? Send us stuff. Oh, I don't want to give the address away. Or do I? Fuck it. Send us stuff.

Yeah, I was in Spokane. You got to get Belzer on this wall, man. Oh, Belzer. R.I.P. R.I.P. to Richard Belzer. How was Utah? Utah was great, man. I love a little Salt Lake action.

I mean, you get those. You know, the Mormons are very interesting. So you either get the ex-Mormons who look like they're in the Ramones or you get the current Mormons who look like Kenneth from 30 Rock it's a nice little range but uh you get it you get a nice mix and their energy is great man do they drink there oh yeah when you have a 1 a.m uh closing time for the bars you gotta fucking get lit you gotta do it man there was one guy in the front row I shit you not he had 12 drinks on his table And he was completely coherent

That's when you know it's a problem When you're not even phased And apparently he's like a well known ski instructor Or something there But he would just put them the fuck back Salt Lake is always a good time I got fucked on hotels Because it was all star week

Says he's here Yeah so where'd you stay Salt Lake is always a good time I got fucked on hotels Because it was all star week But I mean It says he's here Yeah so where'd you stay? Off like a Hilton Garden Inn Or whatever But it was like It was like 500 plus a night Oh

Yeah Free coffee Yeah That's about it That was with Vitor So we didn't want that free coffee He wanted that He wanted that Starbucks next door

Yeah yeah Damn Yeah great club though Great Keith You're the man Love Keith free coffee yeah he wanted that he wanted that starbucks next door yeah yeah damn yeah great club though great keith you're the man love keith and great club great guys i just added all these california dates so i'm pumped i got like you know uh coming out we got like san diego la sack and sf so that's gonna be like a fun stretch in april so i'm like pumped that's fun and we get the bus coming up in march so it's like 11 straight nights you know beautiful the bus is the best i love it going up that golden coast with a bus can't beat it gonna be great gotta be great and i love san diego oh we're not doing the bus for that show because oh it's four nights we're doing the bus from like miami

back to new york so we're coming from florida basically back here i see but that's gonna be we're hitting all those fun places like it'll be like uh starting in miami ending in port chester but we're hitting like dc charleston atlanta miami orlando all that shit yeah damn that's a big it'll be good yeah every night work in dc it's gonna be great love it man that's wilkes-barre i'm lucky i got veter in that nice little window dude it's gonna be he's a good, you need a good hang in that group room. Yeah, Will Silvins is coming. Is he?

I was like, I might be able to give you some time. He's like, I just want to be there. Really? I fucking love him, dude. Love Will. He's got to come on the pod more. Yeah. He's so fun.

We were riffing last night. It was like, every once in a while it goes off the rails, but we were in the zone last Oh, yeah. He's the best. It's good when it clicks. Yes, yes. You get that video. Uh-oh.

Hey, you're on air. How's it going? Yeah, just keep it natural. Oh, yeah. Look at this guy. You want to make this guy a cocktail by any chance? Do you want anything? Yeah, please.

What are you, a vodka guy? I got a vodka cat. Oh, hey, even better. What are you, a vodka guy? Oh, hey, even better. Oh, get a bodega cat. Oh, he can't make that. He's 11 years old. Can you? Can you make one? Oh, all right, great.

Just get the man some ice. How the hell are you? I'm good. Good to see you, man. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it. I almost wore that shirt, and I'm glad I did. There you go.

I made a million of those. I had to rep. I had to rep i had to rep how you been man i've been good how you guys doing good good uh i'm a little sick but i'm pushing through all right is it is it the vid what do you got no no just from pushing it too hard we did we added a 4 30 show in spokane and we went out the night before i mean the amount of traveling you do too i know it's a lot on the road all the time it's a lot eight hour eight hour travel day yesterday people need to understand the commitment it takes to continue drinking when

you work yes mark's got the great bit about the functioning alcoholic about how they deserve more credit than the the sober guy yeah because mark's you know that bit where he's like fuck you i slept here yeah that's how i feel about all those people who are bragging online about being sober all the time like it's been 842 days since i last i'm like you did nothing your life is better you quit actually yeah you're a quitter and uh it's easy to wake up sober it's healthier it's the way to be yeah very it's boring that's the problem it is well i'm like i'm like a weed fan i feel like uh that to me is like sort of a good middle ground of like your body isn't like chewed up all the time. Like alcohol all the time is rough on you.

But you do like ayahuasca and shit too. I do. That's what, once a year? I just did it a couple weeks ago. I do it maybe like two to four times a year. Wow, that's a lot. Thanks. Well, there's so much involved that you got to go to like some shaman and a hut in South America.

You could do it in uh not south america too okay but uh also there is like what's hard is like the three days before and the three days after no caffeine no alcohol no weed no fried food why not uh just to get the full impact i mean you could but it's just gonna dilute it and like you know if you know fried foods yeah yeah they're holistic and natural about you know so what do you eat like going in like vegetables and you know you can do fish steamed things so ayahuasca actually makes you healthier just in general because you have to be to go with it yeah i mean it's not like a party drug it's it's like medicine you do some work

afterwards you're like oh shit i gotta like do yoga and change my life right you know like and everything toxic i've been doing well neil brennan then you forget about it and you go back to all your shit right and then you gotta do ayahuasca again yeah it's like a nice reset yeah it's it's definitely like the reset but i had a woman once tell me it's like 10 years of therapy and one wow it sounds horrible well that's there is a lot it's like a line that people use and like the closest i got i went to my therapist after the first time of doing ayahuasca and she was like i'm really amazed at the breakthroughs you've had from doing it almost like she felt not that she felt bad but she's kind of like a little bit like you know what we've been meeting every fucking week for like five years and you go

you do this plant for like one weekend and all of a sudden you learned all the shit i've been trying to explain to you that's a bit well because therapists can't tell you what are the good ones anyway don't tell you what to do they're always just kind of hinting so you figure it out for yourself yeah i gotta get it just tells you what to do because you're therapist oh my god yeah he's absolutely been like you need to do this and i don't want to and he's like do it i'm like all right you listen you pay attention yeah he wanted me to suck him off so i did uh no he no he tells me what to do all the time it's uh it's not good yeah no same guy and it's usually good advice though i know but it's definitely problem is when they encourage you to confront people yes they're not always it's not always gonna help the

relationship totally certain people i think you have to accept with their flaws and there is a part of his philosophy that's like no this person needs to hear that and i'm like but they're not doing this type of work on themselves so they're it's not gonna it's gonna destroy the relationship it's a good point i think in general this is a thing being a truth teller is really venerated in our society but if you go around doing it people don't like you no it's not a good way it's not beneficial to you in your life to go around telling the truth to people you like do i look fat in this yeah there's your marriage right there get out of here with the truth the truth is overrated but like going back to the therapist i think my i guess i assumed all therapists were this way i think her theory is is that if she just tells me what to do, it won't actually stick.

So I've got to figure it out for myself or at least be fooled into thinking I decided it. Right. But I don't know if that's right or not. Neil Brennan said he got Chris Rock to do it, and now Chris Rock is religious. Oh, well, Neil Brennan says he believes in God. Really? Yeah. That's wild.

That seems like going backwards to me. me well we get into what is god it's like are you i don't think either one of these guys are like sheep who are just like obeying like some preachers telling them to do or that'd be funny if it just made rock boring seriously i mean there are a lot of these wellness people who you're like what happened you've been new you're like you've been neutralized or something. Totally, totally. I think both those guys still have strong opinions, but just do you believe in a bigger spiritual force? Sure.

Or is there something that's kind of controlling the universe that's not just your own ego? That makes sense. There is something when people walk around too happy that I'm like, are you fucking dumb? Yeah. But that's not healthy either, to just make an assumption about someone because they don't seem miserable. Well, this was like, Socrates asked that, is it better to be like a pig that's satisfied

or a genius dissatisfied? Yeah. That's why I'm a pig. The best is when everybody's full of shit, you know? Like Ellen is dancing every episode, but then you hear like, oh, she's a huge coos behind the scenes. And I love that. I then you hear, like, oh, she's a huge coos behind the scenes. And I love that.

I love when they, like, Cosby. Cosby's America's dad. Pull your pants up, put a sweater on, jello pop, and then, you know, look at him. The more you gotta perform something constantly, the more suspicious it is. Exactly. Like the guys who got the big gay gerians

and the tats on the neck. I'm like, you're fucking uptight. And then the dude who's always wearing the suit and shit. I'm shit like this guy's into some kinky fuck yeah the priest the priest fucking the kids yeah if your whole life is about like look at also it's like like with the religious people anyway like people who behave in a religious way impress me people who talk a lot go volunteer at a fucking soup kitchen then then i'll believe it that way don't get me start on the god hates fags guys. They're all blowing each other.

It's true. So many. So many end up like all these sellers. Don't get him started. Go go. I mean, I have the merch, but I'm just saying. Yeah, so to the overcompensation, it's like you see this Chelsea Handler video that's going around? No.

Oh, it's like super viral about her she's like here i am being a woman with no kids in my 40s i think i'm gonna smoke weed then masturbate then go back to bed wake up at noon then fly to paris then get drunk then meet a hot guy on raya and she's like if i had a kid i wouldn't be able to do any of this and all these angry moms are like fuck you you're sad you're dead inside you whore or whatever and it's causing a lot of stir with the with the with the women who cares yeah i'm i'm not on any side but i do think it's a little pokey she's poking like hey you idiot ladies well someone went after her like some tucker carlson guy whatever it is started or whatever right right a lot of people went after her but there's pressure on women to like women to just give in and have kids,

and I think it's not for everybody. Totally, totally. There's societal pressure that's just like, well, does everyone need a family? I think a lot of people, you see them on flights all the time, like this person doesn't want a family. No. But they felt they should.

Yeah. And now we have two kids with a mother who's fucking miserable and drunk on the flight. Agreed. I think my parents are in that boat. I mean, I think a lot of people are very proud. I'm just kidding. A lot of people have no purpose in life and they think having a child will fill that hole.

And then they have a child like, oh, but I think I guess this is a purpose, but I don't like it. But people are saying she's overcompensated. The whole thing we talked about, like she's really thinks now doth protest. Yeah. Laying it on real thick. So you're're like maybe you do want kid that that's the i just feel like we're all generating content like we're talking about it like tucker carlson what does he even believe you know they don't believe the election stolen but they go on air and say it was oh yeah they they make fun of her for being like some you know lonely shrew and then she's gonna be like oh you're

wrong yeah what are we all doing i'm sure if you took every foxrew and then she's gonna be like oh you're wrong yeah what are we all doing i'm sure if you took every fox news and every cnn person behind the scenes got them drunk or you're like do you believe all this they'd be like i'm just trying to keep my job you know i gotta pay the rent don lemon's a fan of yours how about that yeah and just right when he comes out as a fan he gets canceled we're listening to you we're a gateway to getting you fucked over you're fucked you're too influenced. Don Lemon, he was doing the anti-woke stuff, and I'm just like, keep your job, dude. I know.

Play ball. This works on YouTube. This doesn't work on CNN. Yeah. Come on here. We'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. Give me some of that sweet cancel culture buzz.

It worked. Well, you saw Salak who's posted, we'll do Don Lemoncellos. You got to have him on, right? I would love to have bond yeah sure he's uh free apparently right now so he's got some free time yeah well it's a silly thing to say what was the exact thing i didn't actually hear it so maybe it's out of context because i feel like so much stuff but he said that women after 40 are not in their prime anymore as politicians. Nikki Haley. I'm like, are you talking about fertility or politics?

Right, right. And they were like, what do you mean, Don? He's like, no, no, I'm just saying she's clearly not in her prime. He kept going with it. Yeah, in her prime, just stay away from that. Yeah, with the ladies. Yeah. That's tough. It's like telling your black friend, hey, you're whipped.

All right. There you go, hey, you're whipped. All right. There you go, Don. We're even. All right. Spring cleaning is here, boys. Time to clean out those nasty holes. Oh, yeah. Manscaped Performance Package 4.0 has it all.

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Nice. Yeah, those shows, so much talking. Yeah, it's around-the-clock news. You've got to say something bad. All TV news, like anyone who watches them, like, what are you doing with your life? It's too much. What are you doing?

It's also, for the most part, most news is subscription-based now, too, which is like most newspapers, especially. So it's like you're just kind of pandering. Yeah, or these substacks where people are literally paying you, whatever, $80 a year, so you tell them what they want to hear. Where are the incentives? Going back to being a truth teller, you're going to tell everyone who subscribes to your shit why they're dumb and wrong? Or are you just going to feed them what they want to hear and now you're in a bubble now you

regurgitate everything you agree with and no one gets anywhere and we just start separating more and more because if you don't agree with me completely we're not cool the problem is like msnbc is like the the left one fox is the right one and then cnn like you'd want to think they're kind of in the middle but they're just kind of left too of course it's a bad being in the middle it's a dumb place to be from a business of course of course but now you have two that are on the left that are major and that of course takes away from each other yeah and then the one on the right has the highest ratings right newsmax or own you ever tune into one of those on the road those are much smaller yeah those are scary shit i talked to someone who said they were offered a position there and she was like

fuck that shit oh wow stuff for sure really well i mean i don't know just like do you believe in the do you want the truth from your news or you want to be like yeah fuck those right right well it's a thin line now right i mean it's uh it's it's not really news if it's on that much right it's entertainment the news used to be like once a day and it was like one person you're like i trust this person now it's like 14 people i mean same in sports like espn it's all just like two dudes arguing about like lebron versus mj i'm like did anyone play an actual game last night can we watch that i know right well that's that's what they do because and it's like arguments you could tell they don't even really believe but it's like the way we'll just kind of like riff on something for the sake of the joke.

But they're doing that with like journalism. Yes. You know? Yes. Good point. Well, everything's become wrestling. That's how I see it. Everything is like pro wrestling.

You just said that 20 minutes ago. That's so funny. There it is. It's all pro wrestling because you need the ratings. You need the heel. You need the hero. Yeah. You see Colin, what's his name?

Not Colin. Kaepernick. Skip Bayless. Coward. Skip Bayless. Oh, yeah, yeah. Throws a cowboy's jersey in the trash it's like this is a total wrestling this is a wrestling yeah yeah yeah and 71 it's like it's comical to be a 71 year old man to be like oh i hate you well just to get back to the news thing how crazy is we undervalued like newspapers the actual physical form of a newspaper forced you to read

shit you didn't want to click on right yeah it would just show up on the next page you'd be like i guess i have to learn about this and then the opinion stuff was all on like two pages in the back and you knew this was the opinion stuff yes and the rest of the newspaper was news and there was no name yeah not by a person it was just this is the new york times yeah now the new york times says like 40 opinion pieces every day and then they're like why don't people trust us i'm like well you stopped doing the news you just offered up a bunch of opinions and now people are dumb they can't tell the difference they think you've got an agenda but they need subscribers that's the thing is like they're every you could tell they're like kind of crying poor every new york

times podcast they listen to there's's a little guilt speech where they're like, this isn't free, guys. We need- Them and the Washington Post are the only two survivors, too. So if they're doing that, imagine what happened to the Chicago Tribune or all these other small town papers. And then the worst thing, the most dangerous thing is people go, but this is just my truth. And you're like, wait, wait, wait, we need to go truth or not truth.

But this is my truth. Then you're like, what? And then if you argue with them, you're a bigot or whatever. You're like wait wait wait we need to go truth or not true but this is my truth then you're like what and then if you argue with them you're a bigot or whatever you're like this is my lived experience i love that one it's like isn't every experience live you think there's some zombies out there like we've all had experiences that doesn't mean yours is the one true way of i know but by the way the one i actually want to hear is a coma experience that's the one you actually want to hear about what happened when you were in a coma? No one talks about it. Yeah.

Did you get diddled by the doc? Did you hear things? Do you remember when you were in a coma? That's a good question. I don't think so, no. Interesting. I remember the Tony Soprano coma episode. Yeah, that was great.

Yeah. Weird one. Carmella came in. She's like, oh, Tony, when you were 15, you beat up that guy at the ice cream stand. That was so hot. I never forgot that. Can I blow smoke up both your asses while we're in

public right now? Is this your truth? This is my lived experience of you two as comedians. Two of the best comedians working. Here's what I think people don't always factor in. The volume of stuff that you guys are putting out like the frequency shut up almost there well there's like uh i think there's a lot of people

who put out like a good special like every like three years or something like that like the amount that you guys are generating and the quality of it i think is like so fucking impressive in addition to everything else that you're doing so i just want to function as a comedian i feel like you guys are kind of setting the bar for where people can be and what they can do. Well, you got the bar right. And we're drinking throughout the whole thing. And we're doing a podcast. And I'm getting married.

And he's gay now. So we're very busy. It was Mark doing this that turned me. I can't wait for the burnout to happen. I can't wait for it all to crash and burn and we find out the truth. Oh, it's going to be ugly. Yeah, yeah. You know, it's the Kreischer model.

When that falls, it's going to fall hard. When they find our You know, it's the Kreischer model. When that falls, it's going to fall hard. When they find our name on those Epstein flight logs, we'll be in trouble. But until then. Well, we're amongst a great group. Bill Gates, Bruce Tucker. Yeah, we wish. Jesus Christ. Real thinkers.

There was a lot of thinking going on in that plane. Those were some good conversations, I bet. Definitely. Now that's the podcast. The Lolita podcast i heart radio i heart teens all right but thank you i appreciate it well i feel like you got to capitalize when you're hot yeah it's all it's all gonna go away at some point the fizzle yes so that's what i'm doing opening for jim jeffries like years ago it's

probably like 2011 or something remember this shit that week at caroline's we went out after with a party with them after so fun but i remember at the end of the weekend he sold out every show i just watched him take a long drag of a cigarette and he goes i'll see this place on the way back down uh sums it all up well like i have a buddy of mine's a booking agent for like rock bands i used to talk about that too of like you see these people go up and some of them they treat everyone like shit as they're going up and he's like i'm just telling you i've seen this before you're coming back to these same people again in the future but we've all been make sure who you who you treat well and who you don't totally we've all been doing it long enough to see some of those people kind of get

humbled already where you know you see those people you're like i remember people being such a such a dick oh yeah even at that age i was like you know this is not the right move right well i feel like that joan rivers doc was a great examination of what a real career is like yeah it's not all you can have the most heat for like a few years but a real career for decades is always gonna have ups and downs and you you gotta like factor that in and realize that if you're you're in it for the long haul. Yeah, Patrice called it the roller coaster. He's like, sometimes you're up on the top of that drop and it's so fun and then you've got to get back in line.

And that's when your show's not getting picked up, auditions aren't going, you're bombing, your tickets aren't selling, but then you get back up. Although maybe that's changed now because we can connect with people in a more direct way. That's true. We had to, for years, it it was like you got to go through this maze of like these industry people like now if you just stay connected to your fans i wonder if if there is a smoother trajectory i think you're right i think you're a podcasting it's a it's a one

a to b you go right to them but i do think i'm scared of younger comics now like when i was coming up i feel like i just wasn't allowed to talk like if i was around a bunch of bigger comics and i spoke they'd be like why is he talking and you're like okay sorry now if i'm around a bunch of younger i'm like blowing them like kurt metzger had a great point he's like when you when i started i was super nice to the industry because i wanted to get stuff now i'm very nice to young comics so they don't like tweet about me and shit i'm like that's so true it's kind of flipped because they'll just go on like a face thing and be like uh matt ruby farted on me in a green room i'm just

saying what happened to me mark norman farted on me on a podcast it's out there if you want to see it don't book him so he made this jerk-off motion throughout the podcast. The other thing was somebody said, back in the day, a club used to book the features. Now the headliner books the features, and that's very true. Well, that would happen early on. I always respect clubs that we have our own culture, and we're trying to build a culture here too. But at the same time, when we're on the road every week, I need to have someone I know with me, not just for my sanity, but I know it's going to be a good show.

Yes, yes. It's paying audience. Well, you have your culture. Yeah. It's sort of like my culture matters too. And this is my show that I want people to come back to, and I need a killer opener on that show. Sure, sure. Good point. Yeah, it's a different time.

But I heard one comic, big comic, not going to say his or her name, but they were like, I think I'm going to fire my manager. And I was like, well, you've been with your manager 40 years. You're huge. And he's like, I make so and so million a year. So we know. We know it's a he now. I make 44 million a year or whatever the fuck he makes. What does that mean?

They get 4.4 million every year? Wow. That's insane. They get 10% of my giant check? Internet detectives, get $4.4 million every year. Wow. That's insane. They get 10% of my giant check. Internet detectives, get on it. I'm just like, why do I have to give them that? Yeah. And then you fired yours.

Years ago. I haven't had a manager in a long, long time. And you're doing fine. Yeah. You miss it? Anything about it? No, not at all. Wow, not a peep.

I have a tour manager on the road now, and he does a shitload. So I see what he does. he puts money back in my pocket. He does stuff that makes sense, and he's great. I don't really – I'm sure there's stuff that – there are good managers out there, but I've never seen it. But no one gives a fuck about this talk at home. All right, all right. No one cares about the manager talk.

But it goes back to the business changing is what I'm saying. Yeah. The internet, the pods, the clips It's all direct So you did a special where you're on A different drug in every So it's four Four sets, one high on weed

One drunk, one on shrooms and one sober Four weeks apart Filmed back to back Directed by our boy Salacuse. Salacuse did an amazing job directing it. The Qs. Love him, appreciate him.

What he did that was really valuable for the whole thing was kind of push it, because we did documentary stuff leading up to each show, too. Push it to be like, let's get a little deeper. Let's get a little more philosophical. Let's talk about these substances and making art and performing and how it all interacts with each other in a way that I don't think out of the gate, I was like, super comfortable with, but he kept pushing for it. And I think in the end, it's part of what people are responding to is because it's like, it's funny, it's interesting to see these substances. But then you also get like a little behind the scenes of like, what are you trying to do on stage? Who are you trying to be? Do you want to be polished? Do you want to be scripted and rehearsed? Or do you want to just be in the

moment and loose? And like, are you best when you're a little bit like, you know, fucked up? Are you best when you're like completely sober? What's what does the audience want? Yeah. Like, what do you what's the real goal here at the end of all this? And so I think a lot of that stuff came out. That's the that's the best when you can get a little deeper. And what also took balls is most people do a special.

They go, hey, I'm doing a special. I'll do it an hour come on out you did this in front of random new york audience they had no idea what was going to happen until the host brought me up and told them the concept but so told them the four substances but didn't tell them which one i was on and so i just go up and i kind of had to like navigate that out of out of the gate so yeah it was like a little bit of this experiment of, okay, let's try this. And the highs were great.

Spoiler alert, the shroom set was probably my favorite one. The sober one was probably the best, me as the best comedian. And the drunk one was so awful that for a week afterwards, I was being like, what the hell am I doing? I'm paying money to film people, to have people film me be bad at the thing that I want the world to think I'm good at.

I was like, I didn't remember a word I said the next day. How drunk did you have to get for it to count in your mind? It's got to read that he's drunk. I wanted to be legally drunk, so I brought a breathalyzer, and I was. And then they gave me shots before I went on and brought me a drink on stage. And I didn't remember anything I said during the set until the next day I had to listen back. Wow. How was the hangover?

Terrible. Terrible. We had anxiety, too. Mental, emotional, and physical. Like, oh, my God, what the hell did I just do? I've been there. Oh, man. And, like, it was, like, we edited it in a way that it's compelling filming here i'll say

this about myself even when i was fucked up i was like i don't think that was a good set but it was good good filmmaking good footage so i knew that even when i was messed up but i did not feel good in that room in like i don't think i did a good job i broke the contract between audience yeah and performer but you did it for the sake of the special. I did it for something bigger. Have you ever gone on that drunk before this? Not that. Never that drunk that high.

I've smoked a joint or had a couple of drinks, but never anything like this. Part of it was like I can't just go on having two drinks and act like I was drunk. No, no. I like that. You've got to go for it if you're going to do it. How many drinks do you think it was? I think it was like eight drinks in an hour or something like that. You've got to go for it if you're going to do it. How many drinks do you think it was? I think it was like eight drinks in an hour or something like that. No meal.

I just got in off a flight from Memphis where I'd done a corporate gig the night before, so I didn't eat. Oh, my gosh. Do you remember talking to me at all? Was it that week? Yeah, we hung out. We fucked. I knew my ass was sore.

We chatted before, and you were like woo you were like cartoon guy drunk I don't remember that I was cartoonishly drunk which usually I'm like not was there a set you were trying to hit yeah but like drunk I forgot to tell jokes

I just completely I told like two jokes in like a 20 minute set how much of that made this special? I mean, maybe, yeah, like 10 to 12 minutes from the drunk set. And what order is that one in? That's second. So first one's high, then's drunk, then's shrooms, and then sober. So you close with your two favorites.

Yeah. I think also I figured out what was happening in the project. In the beginning, I was just just like let's see what happens and also after the drunk one there was like a lot of pressure internally totally like i better fucking deliver on like shrooms and sober because like i really fucking shit the bed on this drunk one and the shrooms one was also it's like i like doing shrooms i can talk on shrooms and we got to like some i had some good jokes and then i also talked about some deeper stuff about like my mom and new york city and death and reincarnate shroomy stuff but like still like fun and captivating and then the sober one was good because i was like oh finally i can actually it's like when you've been swinging a bat with the weight on it for like you know and then i got to go on and

swing like a normal bat like oh yeah well this is how I would like to perform. Yeah. I'm, I'm at the peak of my power. Exactly. Is shrooms. I mean, is that,

are you in control when you're on shrooms on stage or, or no, I am. I mean, I, you know, I think there's how much did you, would you take,

you could take an amount where you're not in control. I think I was like riding that line of still also like for me, I've done shrooms a lot. So I feel like i'm pretty competent and can like you know handle my shit and talk um but i think uh yeah for a lot of people i don't know if i'd advise it no i've done it before it's it sucks because you want to just be high or do stand up they're not good together well i'll tell you what i saw which even comes up is like the difference between like the drunk one and the shrooms one. Like the drunk, when you're drunk, it's all ego.

It's all like everything I'm saying is interesting. It's almost like how they feel doesn't matter because it's all about you. And then the shrooms one was like no ego. It's like, oh, how I feel doesn't matter at all. We're all connected and all this shroomy stuff of like, how do we have a good time together? What's funny for us as a group in this way that's like uh to me was like really interesting and enjoyable but the drunk one was sort of like i thought i was doing great yeah i thought like yeah they want me to stay on stage even longer yeah they had to come get me off stage yeah alcohol silences the voices

in your head that you should be listening to you should be some of those voices people like i got voices in my head well are they right if they're right maybe you should be listening well it's also interesting too is every other performance i think drugs help you know performance enhancing drugs steroids all this shit with athletes and singers but with us i think they hurt yeah i think cocaine or booze or adderall even i think it hurts your performance i feel like caffeine are we counting that as a drug caffeine's maybe okay yeah caffeine i'm just my sixth cup of coffee yeah oh wow i need caffeine i think it helps you write maybe yeah but i think being on stage sober with a full night's sleep there's nothing better yeah yeah that's true i think i need i need some coffee but uh

that's interesting you talked about your mom i mean i remember you wrote something years ago on facebook about it was beautifully written about your mom thanks uh it was moving and then she was like a very artsy woman yeah well so like uh another spoiler alert but like this is from doing this special like my mom lived in the same house as like lou reed and john kale and the velvet underground and like the lower east side and i knew about that but i didn't know until filming the special i had googled some stuff i was like oh i should talk about that because she threw this event her and this other guy angus called rights of the dream weapon and i had found a flyer online and the address on the flyer was 85 east fourth street which is new york

comedy club wow that's where you filmed it. Yeah. And so then I was like, oh, I got to look this up and see if I can find out anything else about it. And I found this site where Sterling Morrison started talking about how he bumped into Lou and Angus on the street, and they all decided to perform at this event, which was this Rights of the Dream Weapon

show at 85 East 4th Street. And then I scrolled up the very first Velvet Underground performance ever. Sterling Morrison, Lou Reed, John Cale, and Angus MacLeese produced by my mom in that space at 85 East 4th Street where I filmed the special and I found out about all that because I filmed

the special there. Wow. To me, that's the kind of shit that you start doing shrooms or taking chances or being like, let's piece some stuff together and then all of a sudden the universe just sort of like hands you something wow your mom blew lou reed no no she dated the drummer angus oh all right she thought lou was an asshole because i came home one year from from college listening to the velvet underground she just stops she's like are you listening to the velvet underground i was like yeah she's like i i used to live with them i

was like that's insanity and and then I'm like, were you a fan? And she's like, Oh, we thought they were like too commercial. They're all listening to like Lamont young and these like people in lofts doing like a half hour of silence with like five minutes and shit. That was way more avant-garde. I was like,

what are you like? Like Angus, who was the original drummer in the velvets quit. Cause this is literally his lines. Like no one's ever going to tell me when to start and stop playing drums. Okay. Well, we're going ever going to tell me when to start and stop playing drums. Gee, what a cut. Okay, well, we're going to get someone else. Yeah.

It's funny. It's hilarious that that was too commercial. It's the same story with NWA. Sorry, I had to get that out. She fucked Eazy-E. Yeah. That's where he got AIDS. Yeah, that was it.

But, yeah, man, that's hilarious. The Velvet Underground. That's incredible. It's an incredible story. That's incredible. It's an incredible story. That's insane. It's also about New York City and that neighborhood and what's going on. Even though it's all condos and a bunch of bullshit now, there's still something in the streets. Oh, the village is still alive.

It comes from CBGBs and the Velvets and that whole era. Another RIP CBGBs, too. That's crazy about... She dated the drummer. For how long? They toured. She hitchhiked through Europe and Asia with him wound up hanging out with Leonard Cohen in a cave in Greece like the week the Beatles album came out yeah my mom was like more

interesting than I'll ever be my whole life is just trying to like come in second place Leonard Cohen man yeah that's where I first found out about ayahuasca is I think his documentary or really he did it oh yeah and that's why i found out you puke from that and you uh purge yeah people's number one fear about it yeah right is that why you wouldn't do it puking he's never done shrooms no i don't i don't like what's up with that i'd like to push how do you know you don't like it if you have a try i don't know i don't like getting fucked in the butt by a dude i've never tried that all right all right but you don't but you're not curious about that?

No. Okay. Maybe curious about the shrooms? Not that curious. Either way, a mushroom head's going in you. All right. I just, man, maybe I should try it. Mark's, there's never a time.

I feel like I never have a day off. And then when I have a day off, like, what am I going to experiment? I get that. The same reason I don't go on a fucking date. It's like, first of all, take a date. What's the reason you don't go out on a date? Well, if I'm home two days a week, you know, and then I, you know, one of those nights, I could be at the cellar both of those nights, but say one of those nights, you know, I go

on a date. What if the date sucks? I've just wasted half my week. What are you afraid of if you took a day off? Or two days off, God forbid. I i don't know something's wrong with me i definitely mark and i before you came here i was i was like i have a night off and then someone just texted me to do their show and i said should i do it mark's like you should do it and i said all right i'll do it i figure it's 15 minutes you'll still have the night but you got 15 minutes of work in you'll feel better yeah you can do a whole night on i mean on level, it's almost like if you're that afraid of it,

it almost seems to me like maybe you should try it. Ooh. To take a week off just to be like, what happens if I do this? That's a great idea. I'm going to go skydiving without a shoot. I'm scared of that, too. True, but one will kill you. One won't.

Yeah. How many dissatisfied customers are there? Is there like a yelp for ayahuasca yeah i think it's vice news they just find anyone who's ever been assaulted or fell off a cliff it's like this is what happens right it makes me i mean i'm sure like honestly i would be more scared of booze than i would you know mushrooms sure sure. I've just been drinking since I was so young. Right, right. Well, then it's fine. Well, keep it up. Find something that's killing you slowly that you're comfortable with.

Yes, yes. We'll get married. I mean, I do shrooms at my wedding. To me, shrooms, like, amplify. It brings things more happy.

Yeah. So I like them. For me, it's the staying single. Yeah. That makes sense, too. I get both of them well i would i like i think don't do anything that you don't want to do but the the self-examination that i would encourage is like is this coming from is it coming from a place of fear is it coming from a place of ego coming from a place of like being a control freak or is it coming from like actually like no that's just not right probably control freak so it's like is that and is that working for you in a way that you want to like you know

yeah i'm not unhappy or are you like is it yeah if you're if it's working keep doing it if not like challenge it i'd say well said i'll start with shrooms maybe i think you'll like i think you would love shrooms and you can drink while you do it also but really yeah the thing that i'll say is do it with people you like and in a setting that you like and with a mindset where you're in a good vibe. Because everyone always is like, I had a bad trip. And you're like, oh, did you do it at a music festival with 18 people you don't know? And then you couldn't find your tent.

And you're like, oh, yeah. How did you know? I'm like, because this is every fucking bad trip story is exactly the same. That sounds awful to me. Yeah. A nightmare. Going to Burning Man is a nightmare going to burning man is a gateway to talking about burning man also like people try to get me to go to burning man

a lot because they think i'm like a burning man kind of sounds interesting i will say that it does my well as a jew i think to return to the desert voluntarily is a little bit of a big ask and then also just anything that's like well it's 10 000 people all i'm like right there right there the older you get the more i'm like fuck big groups yeah yeah the same with music on a small circle we're going to coachella i'm like oh that's a young man's game but i will say i went to bonnaroo and i was probably like 28 and me and michelle wolf did shrooms and we had a fucking blast she described you as like a weird cat yeah a weird cat because Mark would it was like a jazz way well we would like no like Mark would just like disappear and then show up but she'd be like Mark yeah I remember her telling me about it yeah

I did Bonnaroo once too and it was I didn't do drugs I just did a show yeah it was fun yeah it's amazing bands there but again we had the pampered hotel. Yeah, you got with the purpose. People set you up. Just being in a tent and there's mud. I just watched too many Woodstock documentaries to ever want to do anything like any of those. Totally.

I get it, but it was fun as a youth, but going back, the dust and all that. I feel the same way about political rallies. Even I went to a bunch of the Black Lives Matter rallies. The megaphone's always going to some guy. I don't think this guy should be amplified. I know. This guy's got to work on his rally.

Yeah. Don't murder George Floyd, but also I'm opposed to slam poetry. Where's my lane? Where do I get to go to support? Political rallies where there's like 5,000 people chanting the same thing. I'm like, I'm checking out. Yeah.

This doesn't end well for Jews. And then we throw in one at the end that you're like, I was with the first three in that last one. Yes. Free Palestine. You're like, come on. I'm right here. It's whenever it gets, there's always one at the end.

Or there's like a group of white chicks who are in their 20s cursing out some cop and telling him to suck their dick. And I'm like, this is the height of white privilege. Right here. This is it. You're not helping. You're not making black people feel better right now.

Don't help anyone. Do anything. Yeah, that was weird. And you want to go, how long are we marching? Like, I'll do it, but just let me know if it's an hour, is it two hours? March concern with the protest is the cardio. Yes.

Yeah, I mean, I got to get my steps in. I'll protest for 10,000 steps, and then I'm out of here. I would have bought a smart water if I knew we'd be doing all this walking. I'm just saying. Well, I always say the most white privilege thing I ever did was ask the cop where the protest was. I was like, is it over here? That's amazing. True story.

I really did that. So yeah, it's on YouTube. Yeah, Matt Ruby's Substance. Check it out. Leave a comment. Liked. Directed by Salamanca. Make fun of my yellow pants.

That's what one guy did. It's fun. I saw a few of them live. You have a couple good lines in there. Oh, thank you. We have a show every Wednesday at the New York Comedy Club at 8 o'clock

sells out every week good eggs great show great show great comic great lineups and you did it there and the one that I liked the most

was the high one because you got high out of your tree this guy was baked and then you went on and the host goes this guy's doing a thing where he's getting high and doing jokes for a special and the crowd was like oh they were intrigued and you went on

and you had a smile ear to ear and you went can you tell well that's what i love too it's like i didn't think of that that was like literally on the way to the stage of being like oh from the intro being like oh these i know what everyone in this room is thinking. Which I think, to me, is still probably the best feeling as a comic. If everyone in the room is thinking something and you're the one to articulate it, and they all laugh in that moment of shared experience and it's funny,

to me, that still feels like the pinnacle of that. You broke the tension in a concise way. And now we're all in it together, too. Yeah, I saw Shane Gillett. You know, he got canceled, SNL, whatever. And I saw him his first set back. And it's weird. It's like seeing a celebrity

because you're like, oh, that guy's the biggest thing in the news right now. And he's right there. And then he went on and he thinks the whole world hates him. He's the biggest racist of all time, Klan member.

And he goes on and the audience is like, and he goes, sorry. And the audience is like, ah, they went nuts. Applause break. I goes sorry people are falling over and he realized oh a lot of this shit isn't real and you know we actually kind of like you more now yeah now he's doing great yeah it could have been the best thing that ever happened to him too sometimes you don't even know about like what's the path yeah i think shane was inevitable i think it would have happened regardless i think if he

was on snl would have happened i think it you know it happened this way that's fair because i think his talent is undeniable but i yeah you never know sometimes that type of thing forces you to show us who you are like he could have gotten bitter he could have gotten totally mean yeah and instead he just was like i'm gonna be funny and'm going to really just go around this and that was I think was the way to go you know right I mean it's like when Louis just went on he went you guys want to talk about it and that gets a laugh so well he's got a great line

in his new one about how like I know everyone here there's one person you didn't tell you were coming I love the self-awareness too and the specificity yeah like I know exactly where I am. I'm doing fine. You're all here.

I just sold out Madison Square Garden. But I used to sell out Five Nights of Madison Square Garden. So I know that there's a change. Right. Of course. Of course. Damn. Five Nights.

Crazy. I think he hit the record back then. I think it was 12 sold out shows. Damn. Insane. Crazy. It's supposed to be 12, but I think it was a snowstorm. One got snowed in.

But I remember talking about that on Letterman, which is crazy. Also, how valuable is it that he was doing all, like on a business standpoint, that he was like getting all those emails, selling all that stuff. Of course, of course. Building up his business infrastructure and like figuring out the tech and like who needs the industry less than Louis? I know, I know. And he built that for 10 years before any of this yeah he's pretty innovative yeah but you know you you're on youtube who is it we all are i know that wasn't that wasn't a thing youtube uh i mean it changed i

mean and but you never know what's the next thing maybe in a little while youtube starts pulling the goalposts i could happen i think it all we have to be ready for the next thing always because yeah i always feel like there's a voice in the back of my head it's like i kind of feel like i'm working for mark zuckerberg yeah like the amount of time i know it's for me i know it's a way to connect but like the amount of time like i've had jobs before in my life and the amount i'm like oh shit i got i didn't post it yeah who do i work for right now well it's for you but i hear what you're saying and then when you get these posts that something you put up there is harmful for the community guidelines it does feel like hr is

talking to you like hey could you not yeah a joke about little people and you're like it's to make people laugh what really bothers me is when i do a jew joke and they pull it and i'm like this is against anti-semitism right there's no nuance there's no human being able to decipher sarcasm or like intention yeah it's literally an algorithm yeah we're all and we like but it feels like they're the greek gods now of like okay i don't give me a thunderbolt please like don't don't turn me into stone or whatever i see comments getting mad at me because the guy who captured my thing blurred the name hitler i mean you still hear me say hitler right but he blurred for the captions just because of these dumb robots yeah

that might think i'm like doing hate speech right right and uh and these people like oh fuck you you pussy i'm like i'm using this to plug dates i'm not trying to like you know i know i'm trying to get eyeballs on it to plug gigs. Well, this whole idea that intention doesn't matter is like the crazy, especially like as comedians. It's good for entertainment. Like when they quote something, I'm like, okay, did he say it on a comedy stage to get laughs?

Or did he say it at a Klan rally in front of a burning flame? Because I'm going to judge it two different ways. Of course. Of course. But like when you're talking about like robots and like there's no nuance, there's no like humanity to it. I know. It judge it two different ways. Of course, of course. But when you're talking about robots, there's no nuance, there's no humanity to it. I know. It's all got to scale. And it's sad when they take you off,

like when they take a video away, or they shadow ban, whatever the fuck it is, you're like, I didn't realize how much I needed this. It scares the shit out of you. Like, oh, wow, I post regularly. I better behave next time. I better behave. It's an adult timeout.

It is, it is. But you're like, I got to get back on this. How long i a shadow band what's the time out it's also like podcast too it's like if you're talking for like hours upon hours every week like eventually you sit like come on you know and i don't think people really give a shit but they're like i can use this uh you know people i don't think people really like the way we're trying to create content their outrage is content exactly and look what he said yeah it's we. The way we're trying to create content. It's content. Their outrage is content. Exactly. And it gets clicks. Look what he said.

Yeah. We live in an attention economy where everyone's trying to frack your brainstem all the time for every last drop of attention they can get out of it. And whether it's through hatred or laughter or whatever, whatever works, just like, ah, give it to me. Attention is the new oil. Yeah. It's like at the end of the day, it's like not sustainable.

You think? is the new oil yeah it's like at the end of the day it's like not sustainable you think why is everyone so sad and lonely and depressed and going crazy all the time what a coincidence it all happened while we were on a screen for like 18 hours every day it's a self-fulfilling cycle because we go i'm sad because of my phone let me look at my phone to forget about how sad i am about my phone well the phone is like uh prozac or something that just compresses. You know, like the lows are better, but the highs are lower.

Yeah. Everything's just sort of like this IV drip. Because you don't have to feel an awkward moment anymore. Exactly. Every time you refresh it, it should just say, you're still sad. Every time you refresh Twitter, still sad with a question mark?

Yeah. Let me take the pain away. That's what's happening all the time it really is uh it's great for awkward moments it's bad for pretty much everything else i know i guess for convenience it's not yet directions delivery uber these guys with the email like how do you get around i know it's bad for just relating to other humans like way worse you see i don't understand how like a kid i mean i had a hard time paying attention to what my grandparents would say before smartphones yeah can you imagine the attention some old person doesn't know how to edit their stories anymore that's part of being a human yeah

yeah i know you think they're gonna be able to make it without like being like i gotta gotta touch my phone yeah and then you chalk it your grandfather goes hey listen up sonny and you chalk it up to oh he doesn't get it he's old he's out, he's out of touch, and you're like, yeah, but he's also a human being, and you're a human being, and you're not even connecting, and he's going to die in 10 minutes. Well, with the language stuff, too, like people get so mad at old people for, all right, you done?

It was a breather. Watch out. Oh, thank you. Sorry. Mark's growing, and by that I mean he now pushes his farts in my direction as opposed to the guests. I saw the Bargatze face on the one. It was just perfect zoom. Whoever decided to post that was great. That was great.

Well done. Human interaction, no phone. I was going to say, old people, then we get so mad at them for not keeping up with the language and saying the right thing. Oh, you're so filled with hate. Okay, boom. I'm like, this guy just can't keep up. I know. Words have become fashion like okay you go to the runway in paris and know everything of course and modern this guy is just buying underwear at kohl's and doesn't

know anything it doesn't know whether queer is a good word or a bad word to say now because you fucking changed it up on him like five years ago so like like like these old people are just trying to keep up and where's your compassion for him being old or her being old? You know, like they can't keep up with every cool word on TikTok. And you're trashing them. That's not compassion. All these cancel culture people want way more forgiveness and compassion for inmates. And people have been incarcerated.

And like, look at the mass incarceration. But then it's like, yeah, but this guy said the wrong thing. It's like, oh, he's got to go away forever. I don't get it. Like, I thought we want compassion. I agree. You got to be the change you want to see in the world. It's like, just be consistent is all I want.

It's trendy compassion. Like, hey, the climate change. Hey, COVID. Hey, this. Hey, that. The environment. Well, it's a crazy mushroom cloud of chemicals in Ohio. Well, what are you going to do?

What are you going to do? You know, like, a bunch of guys on a train. Who gives a shit? It is literally which one's going to get me the most likes yeah i think so that is what a lot of this like this act of this woke activism is but uh you know i mean that it's a performance it's a performance good intentions a lot of it like oh ukrainians are dying all right but you were also taught that you're supposed to like that one and not this one and but then you're like people are dying in uh rwanda and you're like i didn't see a hashtag for that though yeah you know the slavery in china well i don't want to fuck with china so he's like you don't really care well all

the lgbtq people who like are like free palestine i'm like what do you think happens if you go to palestine what do you think happens if you walk down the streets of ramallah and be like i'm a drag at this i'm transit like good luck you're gonna be stoned immediately like tel aviv has the that's a good way like in your special yeah on youtube substance there you go there's all these sir hey women had less ceos who are women all right well she got her click cut off in africa well i don't want to fuck with that alright so shouldn't we fuck with that first before the CEOs big to small it's a lack of consistency if you ask me

thank you it is interesting too and you know words like fashion they come back you know they come back so it is hard to keep track of what you should be saying there's phrases if you stop paying attention for like a year you're like latinx what the hell no that came and went yeah

then you find out wait latin people don't even like it they don't like it what are we doing here again this is like the height of white privilege to be like latin people i know how you want to be referred to yeah that's why i'm naming my bowling team the redskins all right because it's coming back no i have i'm doing a bit about the word queer because like when i grew up we were taught for like decades never said the word queer it's hurtful it's hateful and then like a couple years ago it switched now people like are you a queer ally i'm like i don't know this feels like a trick question it's like if someone came up to us like do you think we should protect the retards i'm like i guess i don't think that's how you're

supposed to say it but maybe i'm the one who's behind the times i don't know the tards i'm like i guess i don't think that's how you're supposed to say it but maybe i'm the one who's behind the times i don't know the tards don't need help i'm a tard ally i don't want to be left out you know i'm tardy yeah it's weird that's still around tardy yeah yeah you can you can you can you can sniff around the word yeah yeah you can't use the word. There's n-word-y-ly. I don't think anyone can actually say it anymore. That was in books. It means stingy. I think it was no relation to the actual

n-word. There was an anchor who got fired for saying it. That's right. There was also an anchor who got fired for saying chink in the armor. That was ESPN. That was the Jeremy Lin thing. Do you think that was intentional? Definitely not. He would have to be the dumbest human being ever for that to be intentional true true or a real ballsy uh risk taker like let me see i don't think racists play with i think they're just i think they're quieter yeah i think you're right i think you're right is

that burr's got the joke about like looking both ways real reasons quiet he's got the great one about uh burr's got the great joke where you say you know black people with the great idea of putting motherfucker after it you say you say this fucking white guy look at this this white fucker this white motherfucker oh that's so good so dead i mean he's yeah he's that's such a small thought to make into something so funny yeah damn he's like such a master going to those kind of places but keeping you on his side yeah it's amazing he had that joke where he's like i'm on a date with a girl or i was out with a friend of mine and she was like can i say something racist and he was like this is gonna be awesome which is such a funny way to go with it

because this will be interesting right you know he's not saying he likes racism he's saying this will be well it's like can i tell you something I'm not supposed to say? Yeah, there you go. Like, that's the thing we most want to hear. And that's why comedy is so popular right now. Yeah. Well, that's why, like, all this cancel culture stuff, it is kind of great for us because we work in the one room where people can go for the antidote.

Yeah. I mean, you got that great joke about, like, the speakeasy of, you know. Oh, yeah. Midget. Yeah. Side note, I love a speakeasy. Ah, the best. There's something great about a speakeasy. Well, especially New Yorkers. Yeah. Side note, I love a speakeasy. Ah, the best. There's something great about a speakeasy.

Well, especially New Yorkers. Yeah. Because there's no sign out front. You keep bridge and tunnel away. That's true. That's the whole purpose of it here. I love a weird little old timey. Any bar that feels out of place in time,

like there's something fun about it. It's like Mark Zuckerberg, you stepped into a different dimension. Yes. And you feel like they actually care about booze. Yes, right. It's like a portal in Rick and Morty. You dimension. And you feel like they actually care about booze. Yes, right. It's like a portal in Rick and Morty. You feel like you just walked into a weird green portal.

Yeah. And they hand you like a gimlet and you're like, what the fuck? I know. It's like, because on the road we go, I love to drink. I love to go out after the show. But every bar is some Irish sports bar where everybody's in college and hammered. And they're too loud. Too loud.

I love watching the game. With a lumberjack. Yeah. loud. I love watching the game. It's not even a game. It's just like 1am and we got lumberjack competition. It's a lot of dudes like macho bullshit. I hate the dude bumping you at the bar. I'm too old to be bumped, dude. No more bumping. I saw your show. You're like, get me to a dive bar.

But the problem is dive bars are going away. There's so few now. There's some good dive bars. They're out there, but I love them. True or false, a quote unquote real man should never look at a drink menu.

Oh, I love that. I like that. You should just know what you drink. What do you got to see what this particular bartender knows how to make? I'm just curious.

I think it's curiosity. I usually don't even order off it, but I'm just curious. Uh-huh. Yeah, why? What do you guys do that's so different? I think one reason I'm curious is that, do you have a paper plane on the menu? Because Mark and I are obsessed with these paper planes.

They usually don't. They usually don't, but sometimes they do, and I'm like, hmm. You know it? I've had it before. Like, Attaboy, you ever been there? Like, cool speakeasy in New York. I think they made me that there one time. Oh, yeah, it's in the solo.

Great name. Good spot. Oh, wow. But also, you've got to walk up and put your name in, and then we'll text you in an hour and a half, maybe. That's not bad. That's not bad. I understand this impresses some people, but I'm impressed by just efficiency.

Yeah, yeah. By not having to go somewhere and come back. Right, right. But people are impressed by that. What's your go-to? You're at a bar. What are your top three drink orders? I'm a bullet rye and soda, usually like because i know everybody's got bullet rye uh and yeah like old like usually

bourbon of some sort so old-fashioned or something like that um but i'll change it up lately i've been doing hendrix and soda i don't like to be pigeonholed you know i'm saying i do something for like a year or two like it's time to mix it up it's fun to have a whiskey night that's when i have a tequila night. That's why I've been into mezcal. Love mezcal. The hangover ain't pretty. See, I feel like it's more, it feels more like medicine than other booze.

If you have the good cut. Interesting. I like it. I had a mezcal Negroni and I liked it. Yeah, that was good. Pretty damn good. That's smoky. Yeah.

But yeah, a dive bar, it's usually quieter. It's usually emptier and it's usually quieter. It's usually emptier. And it's usually darker. Depends on your goals, though. Are you going there with friends that you just want to have a conversation about? Like you go to some more swinging place. You might meet people. It depends what you're looking for. I guess I'm never looking to meet.

There you go. Depends. I've had some looking to meet nights. I want to have that moment. And I did the other night with a friend, and it was fun as hell. Nice. What was the moment? Oh, just, you you know we're just hanging at a bar and it was uh you know just you chat with some people it's fun it was good but the problem is is you go to what you go

out in new york now i i don't know when this started with the standard cocktail is 17 dollars right and i like to have 18 cocktails you know so i like, how did my bill get to be $361 on a night I was drinking? It's insane. It's insane. It's just this, this, and ice. $17. You're paying for the real estate. Ah, fuck the real estate.

Give me a fat lady with a C-section scar and an eye patch and a couple of parts of her hair missing. This is where the edible is coming. Is this still in Manhattan? It's still going to cost a lot of money. That's true. Just because she's gross looking doesn't mean... We can go out to Queens. Let's go to Echo Park or Flushing or something.

It depends on the bar, too. In some places, you'll see happy hour. You're like, all right. But happy hours are hard for us to hit unless we just take the night off. That's true. But I love a happy hour. I do, too.

You feel like you're beating the system. Well, people are still optimistic yeah tonight could go anywhere yeah i'm at the bar at like 3 a.m like this is not a good vibe here now that's true cheap beer and oysters that's kind of fun oh the best the best get fucked up i bet that was about the oysters on the crackers oh yeah i don't get oysters oh mermaid lounge has a great happy hour on Bleeker and McDougal. And it's killer. But I think it's like $3 beers and quarter oysters. So I've done that a few times.

It's like mucus that's been in the ocean. I don't get it. It's got some meatiness. I love the salty. You chew it or you just swallow? I swallow. Love the brine. Maybe a little chew in there.

Maybe a little chew. But I just like I swallow love the brine maybe a little chew in there maybe a little chew but I just like seeing something on a shell the ice it's very real the presentation is nice yeah it does feel primal it feels decadent

if it was if you told me it was trash I probably wouldn't like it yeah how about caviar I don't get caviar that I don't get I like I mean I like like the fish eggs

I'm like you know but yeah it's not something I would seek out but I've had it before I've been it before. I've been like, it's pretty good. You ever been to a crawfish boil? I know I'm biased, but they pour it out.

It's steaming. That's a communal thing. It's communal. You got your beer. You're telling stories. You're standing. You're cracking. Ripping apart animals with other human beings. It's like, we're the master race.

Here we go. Yeah. You get Nazis. Someone's going to clip that. We're the master race. It we go. You get Nazis. Someone's going to clip that. We're the master race. Just me and Marco. Citizen species. Master species.

They're not going to get the crustaceans all over us. The mollusks don't stand a chance. Matt looks like the hipster Nazi. He's just like, I do the intel. I do the PR for the Nazis. That's the guy who found advice and the hipster Nazi. He's just like, I do the intel. I do the PR for the Nazis. That's the guy who found advice and the Proud Boys. Cool. Alright. Nice.

Alright, well folks, check out Substance. Matt Ruby Substance on YouTube. Give it a go. You'll find it. It's cool. It's fun. It's different. It's funny. The jokes are still good thank you and you got the goddamn uh drugs in there there you go so i don't think anyone's ever done one of these no that's the first i ever heard of it so i mean like uh yeah like the con i'll tell you the jokes

are the thing that i care about the most what i didn't realize was how much was going to be a window into each one of these drugs i'm kind of like four different comedians and so you can also like learn something about each one of those substances just via me as a vessel trying to perform on each one that's great yeah all right well check you're not gonna see anything like it folks so check it out yeah it's on youtube right now give it a give it a watch and uh you're gonna be anywhere coming up on the road matt uh arlington virginia next week uh I got a podcast called Kind of a Lot with Matt Ruby You can check that out We got our Good Egg show Every Wednesday at New York Comedy Club

Every Tuesday night Hot Soup at Comedy Cellar Oh, I got a newsletter MattRuby.com So we got New Haven Boston, we keep adding in Boston So please come out, Wil wilbur baby let's go miami orlando ponte vedro which i hear is like naples 2.0 i'm a little nervous but we added

there too atlanta charleston dc uh durham charlottesville norfolk uh fuck all over wilkes-barre portchester and we just added San Diego, LA, Sacramento SF and there's more coming Sidney Goldstein Theater That sounds like the most Jewish place I've ever heard of And the next night I'm at the Elliot Gould A lot of good stuff coming up So I hope I see you there

And more West Coast dates as well More other dates, everything's coming Everything's going to be Love it, get some bodega cat uh get some shirts we got sweaters out there and i'll be all over the road mark norman comedy.com got new merch queef uh i got posters up come out to chicago i think we might have sold it out but if we haven't get those tickets quick we added a friday and then uh i'm announcing a theater tour after that for the summer i think think I'm going to Australia.

I'm going to UK. Really doing it up. So I'm coming to your town, I swear to God. Oxnard and L.A. and Toledo and Rochester. So Dayton, come on by, folks. We'll see you all in hell. Do some ayahuasca. Watch the special.

Thanks for having me, guys. I appreciate it. Thanks for coming me, guys. I appreciate it. Thanks for coming, dude. Good to see you. And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true.