We Might Be Drunk - Ep 136: Ali Siddiq & Rum Punch

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

Sam Morril is playing The Theater at Madison Square Garden! Pre-Sale is out now use code: NYCF https://www.ticketmaster.com/event/3B005EDAE0D21883 Don't forget to check out Soup To Nuts on NETFLIX July 25th! Ali Siddiq joins this week with some extra punchy Rum Punch.  Ali Siddiq: https://www.alisiddiq.com/ Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/#schedule Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Head to https://www.tryfum.com and; use promo code DRUNK to save an additional 10% off on your order Get 20% off your order at https://www.liquidiv.com when you use code DRUNK at checkout Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/

Chappelle, Rock, Burr, Wong, Mulaney, Maniscalco, Kreischer, Hart. Netflix paid them handsomely. And with whatever money they had left over, they got this guy. And I grew up in Louisiana. I grew up a lot of homophobia. I grew up with a guy who hated gay people. He was obsessed with gay guys taking the rainbow. That was like his big beef. Gay guys took the rainbow.

I'm like, that might be the gayest complaint I've ever heard in my entire life. I'm doing all right. You know, I had sex with my wife today, or as she calls it, micro-dosing. And I remember one time I left the abortion clinic with a lady, and there was a guy protesting. And he goes, you're a goddamn murderer.

I was like, I don't know about murder, I really more just hired a hitman. Yeah, men even treat their dicks like kids. We wash it, we take care of it, we name it, we go, you want to see a photo? People go, no thank you. The only difference is, you beat your kid at the mall, nobody stops you. Mark Norman, soup to nuts. Another reason why women are better than men, you don't see a lot of female school shooters.

What's going on there? I googled it, there's been two. Huh, anybody ever heard of them? Whether it's gun violence or the WNBA. Nobody's watching these female shooters. The special he's been waiting for. All right. Yeah.

Hey. Comedy. All right. Good to be here, guys. Salicu's apparently eating Chinese food during the episode. Just like Hunter S. Thompson lost his job over here. Look at this guy.

This is, jeez, I don't know why I'm drawing a blank. The guy who was stuck on the island. Gilligan. Very Gilligan today. Does it say happy Father's Day, Dad? Oh, yeah. You're Gatherer S. Thompson. There we go. I mean, whatever they give you, you have to wear.

You can't, like... Oh, they gave you that? Yeah. Oh, I thought you bought it at a thrift store. Because it's kind of got a cool old look. Yeah. You know the guy... You ever see something about Mary?

There's that weird guy who gets... He's like, Mary's my girl! And it says, uh, dance contest winner. Yes, holy shit! That's what that reminds me of. The guy who shoots the guy. Yes, yes! That's you, dude.

It's a deep cut. Deep reference. Deep. But hey, here we are. It's summer in New York City. Manhattan's hot. I was sweating, dude. And it's like there's noise everywhere.

It's like if there's a space where there's no noise, there's like a guy who comes in to make noise. There was a guy singing the Candyman on the subway. And I'm like, he had candy. The doo-wop song? No, the Candyman. And he had a bucket of lollipops i'm like who's taking those lollipops literally rule number one is you don't take lollipops from strangers we were on the street the other day and some guy goes you want my album and i go i'm good he goes i'll sign it i go ah give me the album you're like what are you doing that's fucking rookie shit he's gonna charge you

i know it was like a mixtape what did it cost you i i gotta he got me out of there i got him out of it you don't do that after he signed it over no he didn't sign it okay what you think he knew his name that quickly i was on it i was like stop it yeah that's a rookie move take my album what do they give you the album they want money yeah yeah that'll be 20 bucks and you're like oh i thought it was free and they're like who said it was free yeah that's the whole day that's the whole day yeah all right well you saved me there that was bad i felt like a real hayseed i felt like a real peckerwood you would have done the same no those guys are actually dangerous that's what i'm saying there was a shootout in times square with those guys with the cops what yeah what are you talking about there

was a shootout between the the cd signing guys the cops tried to? Yeah. What are you talking about? There was a shootout between the CD signing guys. The cops tried to stop them. They ran and they shot it out with the cops. Whoa! That would help the album. The value.

Street cred, baby. Yeah. 50 Cent. He got shot. That's, uh, and then when they go to jail, they have to give up the albums. Oh, yeah.

When they go in, they get them. That's true. They have a record. Yeah. Do you think they're still trading cigarettes in jail? They got to give up the albums. Oh, yeah. When you go in, they get them. That's true. They have a record. Yeah. Do you think they're still trading cigarettes in jail? They got to. I heard ramen was number one.

Really? Currency, yeah. Then cigarettes. I feel like shrimp ramen is number one. Then chicken, then beef. Yeah, seafood is the higher quality. Higher quality ramen. Yeah, it's always on a Chinese menu.

It'll be like, or Thai. It's like, pick a protein, chicken and beef, $8.99. Shrimp, $10.99. Yeah. Always. Love a good shrimp. And they give you less. Aha.

It's not a galaxy of shrimp. Shrimp stew, shrimp gumbo, shrimp creole, shrimp pasta, shrimp bread, shrimp shrimp and grits and yet it's an insult you're a shrimp ah that's true yeah bubblegum shrimp thank you bubblegum yeah all right that guy had a bad run man he fucking he dies and then he gets all the pro uh the proceeds oh yeah that's a tough that's a tough life yeah that was that was back when they always killed the black guy in the first half of the movie. Oh, yeah. The 90s were tough. And then they had the nerve to make the Green Mile, which was like, we need another angelic, soothsayer, prophet black guy.

They do that with everything. Legend of Bagger Vance, the other one. It's always like the black guy who knows all or gets killed. Shawshank. Shawshank. Shawshank. And every judge in a movie is black. But it was a happy ending, at least, in Shawshank. That's true.

I mean, they were in prison, but. Yeah, they met up with him at the boat. Yeah, that wouldn't be, you need that Hollywood happy ending. I got a good rec for you guys, and I bet you've seen it. Oh, please. Criterion, saw it the other night. Night Moves with Gene Hackman. Yeah, I love that movie.

I know Night Moves. Really? Yeah, yeah. Great movie. 81, 80. 76, I think. Same time around Thief came out. Did you ever see Thief?

Before Thief. I haven't seen that one. I know Thief. Okay. Night Moves. Who directed that? Arthur Penn. Wow.

A little Bonnie and Clyde action. Is that based on the song by Bob Seger? No, not at all. I think it's in the movie. It's not. I bet it is. They used to do that. They used to put them together like staying alive.

No, it wasn't. I would have noticed it. It was like a slow Florida sweaty noir. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was good, man. All right, I'll tell this. Not a little hack, man. Right up my anal.

I'm down. Night moves. I'm trying to watch every, sorry. I'm trying to watch every Tarantino made a top ten movies. What have you watched from it? Well, I saw Blowout. That's a great one. Great movie.

That was a wreck from a few weeks back for me. That's right. The Young Travolta. I had a couple other ones. What else you got? Directors love De Palma, I feel like. Yeah. It's like a director's director.

That's true. No one else really likes him. He did Scarface. I like him. He wrote it. I don't think he directed it. No one else really likes him. He did Scarface. I like him. He wrote it. I don't think he directed it. Really? Did he direct it?

Who directed Scarface? I thought he did direct it. Diploma directed it. Oh, okay. I got to see the first, the second one I have not seen, His Girl Friday. That's a classic. Yeah, that's like a farce, right? Pandora's Box.

Yeah, I haven't seen that. See, there's a lot of these. Unfaithful Years, never seen that. Five Graves to Cairo, never seen that. Billy Wilder. Damn, I should see that. Yeah, I haven't seen that. See, there's a lot of these. Unfaithful Years, never seen that. Five Graves to Cairo, never seen that. Billy Wilder. Damn, I should see that. Yeah. All right.

Good list. Dude, I got another one for you. Another movie I just watched. And it's because it's weird. I'm reading the Steve Jobs book. I'm almost done with it. It's really good. Yeah.

Walter Isaacson. Interesting guy. Amazingly interesting. The thing he did with the license plate, he never bought a car. He just kept leasing it. He had all these little hacks. I'm not up to that. Oh, it gets good.

So you can't get a ticket if you have a dealer plate. That was it. So he kept getting a new car for three months so he can get a dealer plate. So he'd get caught speeding and they'd be like, well, we can't write you a ticket. He had all these little genius twists. What the hell is Beer Jew doing over there? A lot is going on here. Wow.

Get a shot of that, somebody. Do not zing the Beer Jew this week. He's got a weapon. I know. What is going on? I heard you bumped into Jay Leno about a month ago. Burning Man. What are we doing here?

We're doing a little special twist, a Beer Jew twist on a rum punch. Get a whiff of that. Wow. The guest isiff of that. Wow. The guest is going to shit on this. This is great. No, this is fun. Look at that. The chalice, the fruit, the stabby thing.

I love it. It's a pomegranate banana rum punch. There you go. That's a fucking. Gives it one fart up. That's, yeah. Get that all out before our guest comes. I don't think he's going to like you farting on him very much.

This is one I'm actually nervous for you. Yeah, let's get going. This is one I don't think you can pull off. Well, we'll see. He doesn't want to go back to the pen. I'll tell you that. I know, but I think just like reflexes are going to kick in. That's true.

That's true. He might stab me with a sharpened toothbrush. But we're giving too much away here it does come with a pick so be careful oh true it's got a weapon all right i gotta try this so this is a rum punch with a by the way welcome back from australia oh hey good to be back across the pond oh that is delicious oh man it actually. It actually tastes healthy. It's good. It's tropical for the summer. We're good, you know?

Very nice. What fruit is in there? There is pomegranate, cranberry, pineapple, orange, and the rum is plantation banana rum. Eee, don't pull that out with the guest. All right, what else you got, huh? Cool whip? All guest. All right. What else you got, huh? Cool whip. All right.

All right. Getting it all out before he gets here. Okay. But Australia, really, you got to go. I talked to the promoter. He said they're interested in you. So, but, yeah, great time. It's a whole different world over there obviously it's a

20-hour flight flew coach why just you know i gotta stay with the people all right now i flew i flew first class there which was unbelievable that was the best part of the whole trip and then i flew coach back just to get me back to earth because it was so fun to get treated so well you get a tour manager he goes out with you have a tour manager yeah i've never had one it's a game changer yeah it's nice the car is there when you need it uh hey can i never got any club soda oh we're club soda coming in hot you know all that shit was great i hope you're using them for more than just the club soda i barely used them i didn't know what to do and he was like you're the easiest uh artist i've ever had i couldn't believe how easy this was i was like we went out every night drinking it was

great that is the weird thing about the road is i forget how unhealthy we are sometimes on stage it's like a throwaway i didn't even mean it to be funny but i said you know so we're trying to be healthy on the road i mean we do drink every night and that gets like a huge laugh like oh i guess that's not healthy at all yeah you forget about that we would just pound like a bottle of wine you know before i'd go on but then you know the next day we had i did two weeks on the road i did on the tour bus so we were you know yeah we were hitting it pretty fucking hard that's what you got to do but the thing is you know what happens is you get really drunk at night and then your whole day is recovery you hit a sauna you hit the gym you're just trying to hit the steam room every day steam

room every day sweat it out and then you drink again that night because you have to reward yourself for all the recovery you did it's a vicious cycle it's it's a vicious cycle that ends at 46 will be dead very soon kreischer did it he's still going i don't know that's this could have a bad ending still that's true i'm worried i feel like k like Crash is going to die in a go-kart accident. It's going to be some twist that no one sees coming. He gets E. coli from a spinach salad or something. You're like, that's what got him? He's going to slip on a roller skate or something.

Sam Kinison, he quit news, and then a drunk driver killed him. Perfect example. If he was drunk, he might have swerved out of the way. Two drunk drivers is like negative numbers. It might be okay. If he was coked up drunk he might have swerved out of the way ah true drunk drivers it's like negative numbers it might be okay ah if he was coked up he could have seen it coming you know he would have been ready but yeah that was uh that was crazy i mean kennis and ann hicks dying super young yeah those are like like the edgy dudes of their day i know one was lung cancer pancreatic cancer oh okay great crazy, kids. Oh, so what I was getting to before we get into the tour stuff,

I'm watching that movie Blackberry. It's a new movie with Glenn Howard in it. It's always sunny in Philadelphia. Uh-huh. And he's great in it. Jay Baruchel. It's a good movie. It's cool.

It's like nerdy Wolf of Wall Street. Oh, all right. You know? But anyway, I'm watching it, and I'm not giving anything away because people know the true story, but they were completely destroyed by the iPhone. That's what destroyed BlackBerry. And it's like I'm reading it coinciding with this book. I love that.

And it is amazing. It's like one thing is dominant, and then the next thing just destroys it. There's no just like we're still kind of here. They're fucking there, but it's like they're doing other stuff. It's like one thing is dominant and then the next thing just destroys it. There's no just like we're still kind of here. They're fucking they're there. But it's like they're doing other stuff. It's like it's like Blockbuster. It's like cyber. Well, they're completely out.

But I think Blackberry does like cyber security or something. They do some stuff. They had to pivot. But yeah. But like, you know, the name still means something. But iPhone, you're like, yeah, it's over. They were they were the whole thing. They were like, no one's going to want to like do the clicky uh they want the clicky thing yeah and the wheel the

rolly thing was fun the clit whatever that was yeah you worked the clit yeah i taught a lot of kids yeah you'd see guys with a blackberry like that guy means business like it felt it felt you were important you were handling shit just scrolling and typing sometimes i dip my nose on it you know you lick it you suck on it yeah wow that's i love stories like it's a good movie it's a good good flick uh and and the jobs book is incredible it's a dude who wrote the einstein uh the einstein book also oh he does a lot of bio bios but uh really fucking good all right i mean i love a good bio biopic bio book i'm in i got a bit can i run a bit by you i know it's early but it kind of goes off what we're saying so here's an idea i have for a bit and i don't know if there's anything here but it's like um all these movies now are about like i guess the premise is like the genres we're out of stories

to tell like the new movie air. It's like, all right. It's a. All right. Is it about Michael Jordan? No, it's about his shoe. That's what it's about. Then you're like, all right. And then you're like, all right, we got the movie Flamin' Hot.

And you're like, it's the making of the Flamin' Hot Cheeto. That's the movie. Evil and Gory directed. I thought it was about Andy Cohen. Then we got, you know, Blackberry. The making. It's like the new genre is just capitalism. Like how long before there's a movie where they're like one man decided that cream should go between two cookies.

The Oreo story. You're joking, but Seinfeld's making the Pop-Tart movie. Well, there you go. You're right. There you go. Right? And it's like, but it's like you're going to see a premise where they have to create drama where they're like, the cream will never work. You can't put it.

And he'll be like, I have to try. All right. I guess the dialogue was good. I don't know. But it's like that's what we're dealing with. Yeah. They're out of stories. They're out of stories.

We had Wall Street in the 80s. Yeah. That's kind of about. But yeah, you're right. It used to be about Vietnam or something, coming home from Nam. they still make more movies i guess and stuff like that but it's just an observation that no you're right like a whole new genre yeah i'd take that over a marvel movie sure too as i said there's a good movie blackberry it's very good as long as the story's good you know because flaming hot it's literally about cheetos but a janitor and people say he didn't

even do it people were like it's bullshit oh shit all right but it's like a feel-good latino story so they're like nah he did it yeah he fucking did it right but yeah cool hand luke's like a guy getting out of jail and all that shit and uh yeah you're right it's we're really scraping the barrel and it's all products yeah because that's the last adventure we don't have adventures anymore what do we have a crazy uber ride or something? You know, you got to go to these guys. Because these are like the new risk takers. Yeah.

Speaking of Cool Hand Luke, I watched this movie Harper last night. And I think you'd really like it. I never heard of it. Me or Mark or both of us? Yeah, I didn't think. Have you ever seen it? I've heard of it. Never seen it. So it's like right before Cool Hand Luke, maybe like two or three years.

Same writer. And it's Paul Newman, peak Paul Newman. Yeah. And he plays like a Richard Marlowe type. Philip Marlowe. Oh, sorry. Philip Marlowe type. Yeah.

Interesting. I love Paul Newman. He's great because he's a sex symbol and he's 5'10". Oh, nice. Gives me hope. You know, us 5'10ers, they did some Tinder study, and it says once you get past six foot, the likes just plummet. So we need our 5'10 sex symbols out there.

Newman and half Jew. So, Mark, you said that you were an Australian. You're cooking up a lot of new bits. A lot of new bits. I got to tell you, just getting away from America, the news and Trump and politics and school shootings and all this shit. We're a very doggy dog over here, and it's just chill there. And my creativity was popping because I got the days free, no pods, writing, big shows at night. You're with the wife.

I'm with the wife. But you're still able to. We got a couple of fights and I finally got some alone time so I could, you know, really write it out. You just tell her she's been gaining weight just so you can go to the coffee shop and crank out some material. Wow, you have let yourself go, Mark. All right, perfect. Two hours. Let's do this.

Right, right. Exactly. So who are you DMing dming oh this is your sister all right finally a little alone time but uh yeah great great trip and just seeing new shit and getting out and seeing the sydney opera house and taking a ferry and going to bondi beach and going to new zealand and you know all this crazy shit was like getting the juices flowing again. Because we kind of get a little rote out here. You wake up. You have your hard-boiled egg. You go do a pod. You get drunk at noon.

You hang out with us. You put a belt around your neck, the gimp mask on. It's the same day every day. You fart on a black person. You do a pod. You know, whatever it is. And you do shows at night. And then you call your dad.

He doesn't answer. Whatever it is. But out there, it was all new, and I think it got the mojo going. So it was nice. I think that there's something to that. I mean, even taking a different way home, it's good for your brain. Yes, I agree. Anything that breaks up routine.

We're such creatures of routine. I mean, I think about that all the time is I'm going away. I'm going to Europe. I'm going to Europe. I'm going to London. That'll be good. Oh, I didn't know that. It'll be good for me to just get away for a while. Definitely.

See a new buildings. Yeah. And they have different expressions. So you could go out and you want your Australia chunk up front. You know, you want to do the fish out of water. We finally get to be the novelty. We're a bunch of straight white honkies out here. So being over there, you're exotic.

It was fun to be exotic. It'll be nice to be like stabbed in an english accent for once aha hey good day blimey you fucking yank yeah you get mugged but he's got a little peaky blinders head on you like okay quite a good seven yeah yeah exactly so uh yeah just had a great time and you're all your brain is always open because you're like, oh, I need a new bit about Australia to do up top. So, yeah, great time. And it's all these big theater shows because you never get to go out there. So your tickets really sell. And you don't want to let the theater down. So you've got to really bring the heat.

And I just had a great time. But I definitely drank too much. Did you cook up a new bit? Oh, you want a new bit? Let's get a bit. All right, let's get a bit going. Okay, so I've been playing a lot of video games lately, and the lady hates it.

What do you play? I've been playing, well, they're all like Mario Kart and Donkey Kong. I go with Throwback, but she's getting annoyed with it. You good? Yeah, I'm wondering if you did this one already. Oh, did I? Is it about the boss? Yeah, I'm wondering if you did this one already. Oh, did I? Is it about the boss? Yeah.

You did this one. Oh, shit. Look at me. I'm like, I got all these new bits. It's a drinking podcast. Sorry. Let me, hold on. I got another one.

Did I do the OnlyFans? No. Okay. I think I told, I ran this by you, but I finally cracked it. Hit me. My buddy does OnlyFans. He's a hot guy. And he's always bitching about making no money.

hit me my buddy does only fans he's a hot guy and he's always bitch about making no money and i'm like well i'm not a woman but you want to women already hate dick pics and now you want them to pay for them you want a woman to pay for a dick pic that's insane that'd be like me paying to see the to see to get yelled at at target you know like the thing i don't like you know you get it the thing he meant women don't like about men you want them to pay for now i don't want to get paid to have for you to have a mood swing blah blah blah and then i talk about how dicks are so uh scary to women but they also like them too i feel like women look at dicks the way i look at crawfish you know like you see one out in the wild they're weird and kind of scary but in the right mood i'm like i'll suck the head you know that's good that's good that's been killing for a second i was like maybe you should go oysters but i like

to suck i started with oysters that's why you say something about oysters or the danger yes yes bad but yeah yeah you can get poison or an std or whatever but then it goes on to uh he's like ah well it sucks it's not fair that men make less money and i'm like you got to suck this one up because this is only fans for men is rwnba nobody wants to see that i love that you know and that's that's you're in this by me i love this one yeah but i needed some more in the front so it's really cooking now i like that that's really good but that's a working bit no that's good um the only the fact that it's it could like you like this but it's also it's bad right right yeah just sorry nobody likes it's like you like i think one of the things is like if you're in a relationship you like one dick uh like i'm not i'm not like imagine being

that specific yeah only day imagine being being that specific with crawfish. There's only one I like, and it was just like, okay, well, which one? You're like, eh. Yeah, they pour out a basket on the table, and you're like, that's mine. That's my crawfish right there. Yeah, so that's the new bit. It's really cooking, and it's blowing it out. But the OnlyFans thing gets a groan from women, and I'm like, well, much like OnlyFans for men, I don't support it either.

You know, like, you don't even watch it, ladies. Yeah. And I'm not watching guys on OnlyFans. I'm not giving them money, so I get it. But some dudes are doing well in there, I guess. Yeah. But women really make up. Yeah, you're right, gay dudes will pay.

Dudes are keeping OnlyFans afloat. Yeah, for other dudes and women. Yeah, you're right. I told Mark, I said that, you know, for women, what's worse, an unsolicited dick pic or watching the WNBA? And I was like, well, with Brittany Griner, you get both. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Woo-hoo.

That one's definitely going to groan, but I'll try it. Yeah, I like the first part of that where it's like, which would you rather watch? Yeah. If I send you a link of either, you ain't opening it. You know what I mean? True. Something about that. True, yes.

Although I've been watching, I watched some WNBA yesterday because the Liberty are fucking good right now. So, Breonna Stewart's a stud. Oh. They're playing the Barclays again. They're back now. So, Brianna Stewart's a stud. Oh. They're playing the Barclays again. They're back. They were in the MSG

for a while. They weren't selling tickets. They got thrown to Westchester. Now they're in Brooklyn again. Wow. You know. They should have, this is going to get offensive,

but it'd be more fun if the names were feminine like the Cleveland Cramps, you know, or like the Memphis Menopause or something like that. You know, let's get it. Let's go all the way. The Phoenix, you know what like the uh the memphis menopause or something like that you know let's get it let's go all the way the phoenix you know what you did yes right in the sacramento do i look fat in this

oh man racine used to have the best joke remember mike racine's joke about worst another pedophile pedophile joke he had a whole thing about like this guy is the worst pedophile that was the headline. But it turned out he molested 47 kids. He sounds like the best pedophile. His bit was the worst pedophile can't get his van to start. He's giving kids circus peanuts as candy. WNBA cards.

WNBA cards. That's a good angle, man. Killer bit. Mike, you were seen. Funny bit. We should put our money where our mouth is and go to one of these WNBA games. I would go. I've been.

I like it. I love basketball. And they're getting paid so little that it's pure love of the game. I mean, it's literally the mascot for the Denver Nuggets makes $625,000 a year. The highest paid WNBA player, it's like $235,000. Oh, wow. Not even $1,000. $2.35 a year. I'll give you a change.

Now, can I yell at them as I would yell at a male guy on the court? No, why not? It's pro sports. All right, all right. Hey, you bum. Hey, you fat whore. You suck. You're a piece of shit. But a lot of the insults at male games don't work at the wmba games like yeah you get paid so much and this is how you perform you

can't say that oh yeah that's too too on the nose the insults got to be like you make what you deserve yeah playing like this that's the insult you know i'm going to go out there with a big pot and a spoon and go, hello, I have no dinner. Joking. Comedian. All right. But yeah, hey, good stuff. But yeah, Australia, I highly recommend it. I'm going to do it.

It's really a special place and it's clean and it's safe. I have a breakdown of what the difference between Australia and America is because they're better than us in a lot of ways. They're clean. There's no graffiti. There's no everything's safe there's way less crime they don't have guns they don't have the opioid crisis but it's all like this in Australia very regular very mediocre here we got highs and lows we got the guy doing heroin under the overpass but we also have steve jobs we have exceptionalism which does come with you know uh some some poverty and some horrible school shooting and all that but we also have these giant great actors and and hollywood and and uh the Freedom Tower and all this shit and Joey Chestnut.

They don't have that, you know? They're all very even keeled. Yeah, I thought that would – Well, I'm trying to think of – You really forced Chestnut in there. Titans of the industry. You know, we got LeBron James over here, you know? For sure.

I totally get what you're saying. You need the highs for the lows. Yeah, we got Clooney. Yeah. They got saying you need the highs for the lows yeah we got cluny yeah they got nobody they got they got regular guy who's who's nice and he goes to work and he has a he's a good to his family but you're right no and i understand for you got the inspiration because this is new to you but if you were always there maybe you wouldn't hit that level of inspiration like there is something about how fast paced New York is that like, yeah,

always kind of get material. And you know, uh, when I'm in a slower place, I don't feel, I don't feel the inspiration. Exactly. Exactly.

Which helps for, you know, letting art in and creativity in, but that's why they all leave. They got Jim Jeffries, who's a talented, funny guy. He got the fuck out,

but he came up in the UK, I think. I think you're right. I think he came up in the UK. But now he's massive in Australia because he's one of their own. Exactly. But they hated him. Ronnie Chang told me. I was texting with him when I was over there.

He's like, they never appreciated me. They never gave me a spot. Really? Yeah, yeah. He's like, fuck them. I don't know if I'm supposed to say that. He says it all over his Instagram. Okay, okay.

He hates Singapore and Australia. Oh, all right, great. Because they never gave him a chance. And then he comes here. He's flour that. He says it all over his Instagram. Oh, okay, okay. He hates Singapore and Australia. Oh, all right, great, because they never gave him a chance. And then he comes here. He's flourishing. He's got multiple Netflix specials. He's on The Daily Show. He's doing this.

He's doing that. So you got to get out. It's kind of a small-town feel in this giant, beautiful city. We did a two-week run on the bus, and it was excellent. It was my last bus run of the year probably, but we started in Hampton Beach, New Hampshire, portland maine foxwoods and connecticut you know the casino that we go down and we hit like uh all over the south i mean it started in richmond virginia but then we really started getting it like the memphis chattanooga knoxville wow you

know birmingham alabama are these places you wouldn't normally get to i mean birmingham i don't believe they have maybe they have a club i don't know but i know hutsville does yeah i've never been to uh birmingham it was great did you sell it in memphis i know that's a tough market i did fine i didn't sell it out but i did it was a big room it was a big you know for for that city and it was it was a great show oh great that's. That's when we were like, but then the people that come out are fucking happier there. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, Chattanooga. I mean, Knoxville might have been the best show of the year.

Wow. Is that right? They were on fire. Wow. It was like so good. I was watching Vito. I'm like, man, he's doing well. This is a weird change.

And he's killing. No, he's just ripping. And I was like, ooh, oh there's gonna be good i think i have a good feeling all right in your energy level when you fly into let's say memphis or when you drive in the night before like dude i feel better when we take the bus i sleep you know what's great about the tour buses you get uh you you get sleep i mean i i sleep on the bus you have a day in that city yeah Yeah, that's nice. These other runs, I fly in.

We take a runner. It's like you're traveling that day. Whereas if you sleep, you're just like, okay, that was my sleep. That is pretty great. And they know what it says, but the airport takes it out of you. Even if you just got an easy flight, everything is on time. You got to find your gate. You got to check in.

You got to go through security. You got to take your shoes off. You got to find your seat and all those little things and then now boarding you gotta listen to the bullshit security and all that shit and then then you finally land you gotta get an uber all that shit adds up mentally a lot it's a lot of things and and you can kind of just shut off when you have a bus you're like okay i can think about jokes we'd wake up and go to the to the y and just hoop and it's a good way to start. We'd play it every day. I rolled my ankle on the last day.

Fucking sad old man moment. I was playing well. Because it was like day 12 in a row of me playing. So I was like hitting shots. I was like, I'm fucking rolling right now. And this one kid was so fast. And I just like trying to keep up with him on one play. I just rolled an ankle.

And I was like, fuck. Damn. Oh, we got a guest here. Hey, look who's early. Hey, how are you? How's it going? What. Oh, we got a guest here. Hey, look who's early. Hey, how are you? Hello, Ali. How's it going? What's up, man?

Please join us. Come on in. Sit down. Come right in. Yeah. How are you? What's up, man? What's up, man?

How you doing? Doing well. Boy, you smell good. I'll try. You do. That was a nice smell. I'll try to smell decent. Mark farted a minute ago, so that really helped.

I came to clear it out. I can't wear cologne. I feel like too immature. My dad wore it. What? I don't know. I'm a child. Look at me. My son splashes on cologne all the time. He's 12. A 12-year-old?

That's a hot kid. He stays in my cologne all the time. Really? I got up i put a suit on i feel weird i i don't know i feel weird in the suit now mainly because i'm fatter than i used to be i used to fit all my suits oh shit then you know something happened around the road i didn't want to say anything black is slimming yes no the the clothes are slimming. Yes. No, the clothes are slimming. Black is not. Got it, got it. Just as fat as I am if I was lighter.

Is it just doing the road all the time and just eating crap? Because that's what does it for me. I feel like I was in better shape. Yeah, I think so. I think it's chocolate. Oh, yeah. It's like I go on these chocolate binges and it's ridiculous. That's not a bad vice.

You could be doing oxycontin, you know? I would be slim. Not to bring up cotton. But, oh, there we go. That's a rum punch. How do you know I like rum punch? Hey, come on. Oh, man, that's my drink of choice outside of a frozen margarita.

Really? That's a good one, too. Yeah, I'm a margarita guy. Really? I love a frozen margarita. Dark liquor doesn't fare well for me. I haven't made a lot of good decisions on Hennessy. There's no pleasant Hennessy story.

They're only survival stories. Right, that's true. I tried the Hennessy. I couldn't do it. Maybe it's the honky in me, but I couldn't get over it. It just tasted too weird. Did you say honky?

Yeah. I haven't heard that. Trying to bring it back. I think last time I heard it, I was six. My uncle just randomly said it. Honky Tonk Man, the wrestler? randomly said it. I was six. Honky Tonk Man, the wrestler?

This is pretty good. Oh, yeah. That was a throwback. Honky Tonk Man. Oh, that was a good dude. That was a good dude. He'll hit you with that good talk. That's right. That's right.

So you, I mean, you've been doing comedy a long time, right? Yeah, 25 years. Wow. I've seen very ancient. Wow. Damn. 25 years. Where'd you start?

Just Joking Comedy Cafe. Houston, Texas. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. You're a Houston guy. Yeah, I'm a Houston guy. damn 25 years where'd you start um just joking comedy cafe houston texas oh shit oh yeah you're a houston richmond yeah i'm a houston guy damn improv there then or no no it was a club called spell binders at the time and then they moved um what the improv used to be the improv um so spell binders moved they had a rainforest at the bottom like a rainforest restaurant so the improv bought that bought out spellbinders and then it's just been improv ever since okay that's a great comedy town but there was a place called joke joint yeah the joke joint that was a rough room i got my ass kicked in that place that why were you at the Joke Joint? I was such a low-level comedian that they said, we'll have you for $18, and I said, I'll be there.

I did it for $16 in Minnesota. Oh, yeah. The Joke Joint was in Minnesota. It was in Minnesota. That was like their C room. It was like Acme was like the hot room. They had the Mall of America room, and then they had the Joke Joint. And I remember eating shit.

I was getting heckled for like an hour 40, and I had too much pride to get off stage, but I wasn't handling it well. Yeah. And the owner got off. He's like, that was just terrible. I was like, well, my defense, you're paying me shit. Right.

This is what you get. Wasn't it Mancia? Not Mancia. What was the guy's name? Oh, I don't know. Hispanic guy. Yeah, yeah. That owned the joke joint.

Yes. He was all 45 and like Fuquay, like almost to Galveston. Yes. Nobody was coming out. Like, y'all went to the only comedy club that I've never been in. You're lucky. In Houston, outside of going there to watch somebody in a competition. They begged me to come.

And I got lost going. I was like, in my own hometown, I was like, yo, where is this place? It was way out on like East Houston or whatever it was, right off the highway. And it was a bunch of Hispanic guys with cowboy hats. Yes. Was my audience. Yes. And they hated me.

Yeah. They would have hated me as well. That was a Juan Villarreal room. Like Juan Villarreal could come there and just sell out for like two months exactly i had a i had a friend years ago uh ron on open for you and he was like this dude's really funny i remember he was telling me this guy ali said he was really funny and it was at the syracuse funny bone and i remember he goes this is the worst fucking room i'm watching this dude on on the table just like the the wait staff is being loud and they're talking to your set and you and you said something along the

lines of like you guys aren't doing nothing for me to the waitstaff and I was like oh I like that guy I like that he like called him out for talking to his set it's like yeah I think the waitstaff was being loud the people were being loud and this guy I remember that night this guy, I was gonna beat the shit out this dude, cause he got, him and his wife was arguing. I'm like, yo man, take it outside. And then he go, what you got to do about it? I don't have nothing to do with your argument.

I'm saying go outside. Yeah, I'm trying to do a show. And then I say, don't get mad at me cause she done walked out on you. And it was awful. And then the next day, because the waitstaff can really make a room. Oh, yeah. Shitty.

Well, great. If they know how to take an order, if they know how to be quiet, they help so much. Like, how do you see the people are looking at me? Why are you standing straight up in front of them where they can't see me? You know what I'm saying? Go fuck yourself. And then you feel bad yelling at them because you're like, standing straight up in front of them yes where they can't see me you know something go go fuck yourself and then you feel bad yelling at them because you're like well i don't piss the staff

off and have them turn on me so it's a tough spot and i tip the staff in clubs at the end like the whole staff yeah washers everybody i tip everybody i'm like damn can y'all help me out we we call workers yeah exactly if somebody do be rude to you, I'm going to say something, and now you blocking me from – I'm doing a show, the lady doing this, trying to look around the waitress. Get your ass out the way. I know. And it's sold out. You're making money, lady.

Come on. I don't know if anyone's selling out that room. Maybe not. That was a tough one. I sold out one night. Okay. Man, I think they canceled all other nights. Syracuse is like one night. Okay. Man, I think they canceled all other nights. Syracuse is like – I beat them up pretty good, though.

It took me – I went there maybe like five times. I went to Syracuse five times. That's like Nam. I did four tours. And they just started rolling in like, oh, Ali's coming again. Yeah, yeah. Syracuse. That's one of the ones you shirk on the calendar,

and you're like, fuck. I'll just get through it. Oh, that and Albany. Oh! Similar. Once you leave Albany, the crowds are better than Syracuse, but whenever you're in a mall, you're like, I feel fucking corny.

What about Levity Live? It's another. Once you leave the city, it's like those are like the weirdest crowd sometimes. Yeah, they end up, you like people coming out of Target and like, oh, he's here. Exactly. Let's go see him. Oh, fuck. I don't have a lot of overlap with Auntie Ann's pretzels.

That's who's coming in, you know? Auntie Ann's pretzels. That's who's coming in, you know? It's some places that, some comedy clubs that are awful because the bar is in the showroom and while you're performing, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Oh, man.

A dingy. Yes, the blender. Hey. Hey, that's your frozen margarita that you ordered. That's for you. Hey, I'm working. I know, right?

Who, at the Comedy Store? Yeah. In La Jolla. La Jolla. That's a good room, though. I love that room. Love the room. Great room.

But it's a lot of martinis being shooken back there. I know. Which they don't have that at Hamilton. This is the only art form where you hear that shit. But that room, there's something magical about that room. It is hard not to crush that that's a great room it's a great room i think it's just it's so simple yeah they it's not a lot going on it's popcorn and drinks exactly diego is just good it's just good for comedy 10 minutes away is the beach it's beautiful beach the the seal like i took my family um this time the first time i went

out with by myself my me my role manager i took my family this time and everything was going well they at the beach they doing everything and for some reason we forget that um we have a daughter that's allergic to seafood and my my the lady who lived in my house affectionately what i call her she she calls me and says hey they were playing with crab and all this and immediately i'm like wait a minute playing with crab what was what was her non oh she was over there too so everything is going well and And then she calls me. We got to go somewhere. I'm like, where do you have to go?

It was like to the emergency room. Hanan looks like mask right now. I'm talking about her whole head was swollen. It was crazy. That's terrifying. It was like a 15-minute delay. She's just playing with crap with her brother. I'm talking about she looks like somebody just started pumping air in her head.

Oh, my God. It was crazy. So on all the pictures of the vacation, it looks like she's being extra fly because she has on these pink flower shades. No, we're hiding that we have a swollen child. I can't believe your kid is Jewish. That's crazy. No shellfish.

Man. Yeah, I want to see those pics. I ruined my sister's graduation photos because I was in like seventh grade and I puked. I drank so much, I puked so hard that all the blood vessels

in my face popped. So every family photo, it looks like I have freckles, but it's literally blood vessels in my face. That's how much I puked. Damn. I remember that as a kid. They'd get the red eye, you know, the bloody eye.

Yeah, those were. I got knocked out in college, and I had to take a photo two days later, and I had the biggest, like, egg, like a brown egg on my face under my eye. It was brutal. So I'm just hugging my mom like, you know, I'm like 19, just big old. You got knocked out? Yes, Mardi Gras. It was a. So I'm just hugging my mom like, you know, I'm like 19, just big old. You got knocked out? Yes, Mardi Gras. It was a wild time.

You was going to skip past the knocked out story? Well, I'll give the quick version. I got knocked out, but me and my family was taking pictures. What happened? Quick version. We're all out drinking. You ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans? I'm from Houston.

Okay. You can drive right over. Several times. Good point. All right. Okay. You can drive right over. Several times. Good point. All right. I still have vomit on the street. So we're on St. Charles being like five friends or whatever, and this kid catches a spear. And you catch a spear.

That's the number one, you know, big ticket item. And these college kids were going, hey, kid, give me the spear. And they're pulling it. And he's like, that's my spear. He's like a 10-year-old kid. And we're like, hey, give the kid the spear. What are you doing? And said, like, who the hell are you guys?

And it was probably like, you know, nine of them. And we're like, wow, you're just, you know, you're bullying this kid. And then they're like, well, what are you going to do about it? And one of them pushed me. And like out of a movie, he had the friend behind me doing this shit. And so I fell right over him. And then I'm on the ground getting wailed on and then my look up you know you see your friends getting beat up they're outnumbering us and uh i remember a vivid memory

of being on the sidewalk and i see my friend also laying down and he's getting his face stepped on by a doc martin these are like preppy polo wearing frat guys so uh before i know it the cops come they break everything up and we're all good we're like that was crazy holy shit we're wiping grass off us that was wild and then one of them goes i think that's one of the guys and he was running up from uh the other way and i went huh and he hit me with a running start went out pissed myself and uh woke up on the lawn to all my friends fighting and i was just like uh and that was it they all just walked away like cobra kai out they sound like fucking dweebs yeah they they sucked did the kid do they get the spear they never got the spear so we saved the kid i could have used that spear

nothing he was 10 but i had a big old big old rock on my face i had a black i had a good black eye before yeah real good one real shiner a guy a guy bob molly festival oh yeah yeah back turn dude stole me hit me now and i beat the shit out of him but my eye was swelling up wow he called me pretty good just a sucker punch for no reason well when i found out later what was behind is basically still for no reason behind this with this girl misinterpreted something i said and he told him and the shit was totally not what i said yeah and he took her word and he stole me damn i beat his ass twice though like i was i was i beat his ass then and then i saw him again and i beat his ass again i'm like

because i was still on the let's settle this the fairway yeah my back was turned damn that must have sucked for him to see you again dude named richard i beat his ass damn wow how'd you get his name yeah i knew him i already knew him oh you knew him yeah he was a he was a rapper that was what happened was that this show he's rapping pretty decent artist at the time and i'm sitting there and all i said was man this would be better if he had some dancers like if he had like a stage show yeah so whatever she goes and tell him like I said he sucked or something oh shit and then so he took the thing but yeah in long story short he don't rap anymore either that's how long that career

lasted yeah well now he's Richard the ass whooping you know you lose a lot of street credit if you're a rapper and a comedian beats the shit out of you. Yeah. I wasn't a comedian then. Oh, okay. I was young. I was still, I hadn't even went to prison yet. Oh, wow.

So I was still in the streets. Just in the streets. When did you go to prison? When I was 19. Damn. Oh, wow. That's pretty early. That's so young.

Yeah. Damn. But when you walked in, they're like, that's the guy who beat up Richard. He had a little cred. Yeah. Man, I still, I think I'm still mad about that. If I just sat up and thought about it. in there like that's a guy beat up richard he had a little cred yeah it's it's man i i still i'm i think i'm still mad about that if i just set up and thought about it if i wanted to reach out whoop his ass again still like i've never been cool with us with the sucker punch have you ever lost a fight

it's okay we're all friends here that's okay i'm gonna say yes okay i'm gonna say i was okay this is how i lost all right why i said i lost because i did something my father told me never to do he told me never slap a man while he's down so i'm a i'm a trained boxer like i'm a fighter okay so i get into it with this dude named rich cat while i'm locked up in the county jail second i get it i get into a rich cat and how old are you here i'm 19 i'm just in the county and i get i drop rich cat and i'm listening to the people on the sideline and somebody say slap his ass and I slap Rich Cat and man I don't know what happened after that but I know it was it's eight steel tables in the day room yeah and he introduced me to all eight of them I don't know it's like when I slapped him I don't know how my arms got by my side. It's like he grabbed me because he was down on his knees when I slapped him. And it's like he grabbed me and picked me up.

And it's like I'm on a roller coaster. It's like he was like, boom. And every time I stopped, he just slammed me on the table. And the last table, I just went, I just came, just flipped me on the table. And he stood over to me, don't you ever fucking slap me. And I said, yes, sir. And he stood over to me, don't you ever fucking slap me. And I said, yes, sir.

So I won the first half and I lost the second half. Oh, man. Rich Cat. Dude named Rich Cat from the southwest side of Houston. Wow. So how long were you in prison? Six years. That's a long fucking time.

Yeah, like four years from a decade. I thought about that the other day. I'm like, damn, four more years. That would have been 10 years. Yeah, like four years from a decade. I thought about that the other day. I'm like, damn, four more years? That would have been 10 years. Yeah, 10 is nice. Nice round number. No, I don't want to. No, no.

I didn't need a nice round number. There are no judges ever like, you know what? Six is a round number as well if you don't even. Let's just round up to make this a fat number here. I'm OCD. What charge? Yeah, what was the charge? Drug trafficking. How did that happen?

They call it delivery. Delivery. Delivery of a controlled substance is what they say. It's not delivery. It's cocaine. Damn. Now we have so many different delivery systems. Oh, man, this guy right here.

Yeah, he's on it. And he makes a good- Oh, yeah. As good as fuck. How do you get into that? Oh, drug dealing? Yeah. Oh, it's kind as fuck you uh you how do you get into that oh drug dealing yeah oh it's kind of like a neighborhood thing you like you know you meet somebody hey you want to sell drugs actually just being outside with my with my friends like let me not say my friends people who are outside and you just happen to be in the neighborhood who

because my mom had a job i didn't have to sell drugs like to take care of my family and my mom had a great job i was just outside being a fucking knucklehead yeah and decided let's pick up being a pharmaceutical a street pharmaceutical rep you know and did you did you start with the weed and then move up to coke no straight ited wasn't a big thing back then. I don't think I knew anybody who was selling weed. Oh, really? I think that was like a giveaway drug. Right, right.

I started with what they call a 50-pack. A 50-pack of coke. Really? But my father sold coke. Oh, shit. Yeah, powder. When it was in powder form. Yeah. You know, before crack. it was in powder form. Yeah.

You know, before crack. You know, it was like everybody was tooting. He used to sell to a bunch of lawyers. Uh-huh. So I thought it was like a real upper crust type of thing at the time. Then with crack, it was different. Crack, bad thing. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Coke's still around. Yeah, good point. You know what I'm saying? Coke is still around. Yeah, crack is out. Crack is out. And they're like, you know, Whitney said it. Crack is around. Yeah, good point. You got to be careful with Coke now, though. Coke is still around. Yeah, crack is out. Crack is out. And they're like, you know, Whitney said it, crack is whack. Yeah.

Coke is still, you know. Yeah. So was your dad doing this when you were doing it or no? Uh-uh. No, my dad was, my dad owned a carrier service and just happened to just be selling powdered cocaine at the time. Powdered cocaine and speed. Damn. It's like that Mitch Hedberg joke, FedEx is a drug dealer,. Powdered cocaine and speed. Damn.

It's like that Mitch Hedberg joke. FedEx is a drug dealer. They don't even know it. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. So he had a carrier service and he sold drugs. I mean, that's a perfect combo.

Perfect combo. That's probably how you get it. Yeah. But he was a very trustworthy guy, though. You see, it was mostly lawyers. It was mostly attorneys. That's smart. Did he ever get in trouble for it?

No, my dad never went to jail for coke so how'd you get popped how i get popped oh some miscellaneous people not paying attention this guy named mo he if he would have paid attention to what i told him yeah i talk about this in domino effect 2 the special yeah i tell the story about how we got busted because the feds busted us they weren't even they wasn't really even looking for us this guy named Kevin is who they was trying to bust Kevin came to

us for the product and just so happened they tapping him he needed five kilos and we was like okay cool we'll give it to you but we gonna go on a deal. So when I went on a deal with them, I went in the room,

and I was the first person in to count the money, which I always was. And while I'm counting the money, I'm like, yo, what's these bank numbers? What's these numbers on the money? And dude told me, oh, these bank numbers from the Franklin Bank. I'm like, Franklin Bank? But he said out of New Orleans, and I had just left New Orleans.

I'm like, maybe it's the Franklin Bank in New Orleans, and I didn't see it. Yeah. But Franklin, 1301 Franklin is the county jail. Oh, okay.

So. Now, I knew that it was confusing yeah that's pretty confusing not when i once i heard franklin yeah i'm like no i don't and then the money was it was not drug money it was no way this could be drug money i've been i've been selling drugs i was 14 so i know i know what drug money look like drug money don't come in hundreds and fifties yeah yeah so it's no 20s no 10s no fives no ones and it's not like i have never sold a kilo of dope to somebody before it's like i know how this money go it's gonna take a minute for us to count it yeah it's one z so i knock on the

table i three i will signature thing knock three times did that mean everybody let's go we not even doing a deal so I told Mo that it was the feds I say tell Charles don't come to that parking this parking lot with the dough but I had the whole day I had been saying stuff I'm like yo man why it's 12 o' o'clock. We at this motel. Nobody's checking out of this motel. Like, this ain't weird. Yeah. Like, the whole time I keep saying stuff, and nobody's paying attention to me. Right, right.

So. Your spidey sense is tingling. Because it doesn't make, none of this is making sense to me. But no one else is. It's so weird that they're doing this, and they're not at all paranoid. Yeah. And to this day when when me and kevin me and kevin talk about it kevin was like man none of us would have had to

go to prison if we would just be listening to you mo was mo was this was like pushing off what i was saying because he was older than me but i've been selling drugs longer than him i'm like yo man listen this doesn't this don't feel right so tell charles don't come in his parking lot next thing i know charles is in the parking lot he on high speed chase feds jump out of everywhere i'm running through this field wow and it the shit was just bad and next thing we know we locked up wow going to court for we went to court we went to court for about seven eight months what's that process like when did they just stick you with a lawyer and no i i had i had um enough money to get look i had a lot of money i wasn't like a

street level guy i had a lot of money do you know the price of a key today? I have no idea. I don't keep up with no type of drug. I don't even know how much aspirin costs. Damn. I don't do any. I'm holding if you need me. It's the thing about at that time, in the 90s, early 90s, at that time in the 90s early 90s it was a different it was just a different style of doing business in the early 90s now late when once i you know late 90s like i missed when i really think

about it i missed damn near all the night i didn't i didn't get out to 97 oh wow october night i didn't miss that much jordan ran through the nba ran through the third eye blind had a few hits i miss biggie i miss biggie and pop wow just thinking to see that is bad you know what's crazy when i say that that's when people say wow what you miss biggie and pop i was trying to make you feel better. What the hell are you? I'm like, hey. Forrest Gump was pretty good. Pulp Fiction. It was a good decade. I got to say. People be talking about things that happened in like 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 97.

I'm like, man, I lost. You literally missed Michael Jordan's entire run. I saw it. Are you a Houston Rockets fan? You missed both their titles, right? Probably watching in the jail, maybe. We watched in the jail, but I've only been a Knicks fan.

Oh, look at this. So he knows pain. It's like prison was nothing. Yeah, right? No, just imagine. I'm in a Texas prison. A lot of Houston people there. The Knicks are playing the Rockets, and I am going in.

I'm all in. It's me and two other guys just going with the Knicks. So Rockets lose. Do you understand what it was like walking into the cafeteria the next morning when the rockets... It wasn't just my cell. My dormitory, my cell with my block that I was on, people was like, ah, he got your ass. But the rest of the prison knew that I was going for the Knicks.

I was talking cat shit on the rec yard. It was like a parade when I walked in to that cafeteria. They was like... I'm like, I couldn't even to that cafeteria. They're like, ah. I'm like, I couldn't even eat in peace. Don't pull this clip. I'm like, look at little hand-ass Patrick Ewing. Look at him get the job done. I was like, this is some bullshit.

Wow. I mean, how? Oh, please don't pull this up. This is my first sports memory, and it really hurts. What year? 94. Oh, damn. 94, 94 95 it was crazy what um oh yeah were you uh what that head doing but it was so hot yeah good looking lady i mean how how scared were you in prison or i mean what was like day-to-day like

who was scared were you Were you not scared there? I don't know. Come on who you talking to? I can fight. But were people in there did you see like fear when you're looking around? Other people were scared of people but not you. I'm like I've never been raised

to be scared of nobody. I got you. It was like either we gonna fight or we gonna whatever but i was you know i was in the streets so i'm a street dude so it and i'm on the street dude that came up fighting like it wasn't my era of drug dealing had nothing to do with guns no right i think people forget that we it was like a lot of honor amongst these. It wasn't a lot of gunplay behind drugs back then. Yeah. You know, it was just all fair business.

So if I got into with somebody, I'm just a straight, we just going to fight. But in prison, you have apprehensions of somebody. But I had uncles that I already had been in that was like, yo, man, this is what you do. Keep to yourself. A lot of advice. What else did they say? Most of the thing is keep them to yourself.

When somebody says something to you, if you feel threatened, you swing first. Wow. You go first. You don't never let nobody come in your cell. A lot of things about keeping your door locked when you in prison but they cause they pop your doors in the morning like when you get up like four or something in the morning they pop the door

it's best that you get up when they pop the door and you close your door back it's no telling man I've seen people get ran in on and what's crazy is I wasn't even scared when I got transferred. Like, so you would start somewhere, right?

And then you would get transferred to other prisons. So if you were scared on Torres unit, if you get sent to Darrington, you scared all over again? Uh-huh. I would be. Because Darrington is a one is a one is a um a minimum yeah you have a minimum then you have a medium scared then you have a max then you have a super max you know saying so but everybody bleed like you that's the thing it's not like

it's a person here made of something other than what you made of. True. So my whole ideology is, man, if you do something to me, I'm going to do something to you. I don't know. My wife's a bleeder. But that's a whole other thing. That's monthly. But no, that's a good point. Yeah, we're all just people. But what if somebody's big, and then they're mus muscly and then they have crazy training?

You went to high school? Oh, yeah. You played sports in high school? Not really. Skateboarding. Okay. Well, some skateboarders are bigger than other skateboarders. That's true.

You're not the same size as Tony Hawk? No, he's 6'5". Yeah. So if you're on the skateboard thing and take your skateboard you gonna let him take your skateboard you gonna say something hopefully I play basketball I'm a point guard you know how many centers I done hit in the face

right you know how many I was a free safety when I played football you know how many defensive ends I done got into you gotta give me some tips what's a move I can do When I played football, you know how many defensive ends I done got into with? You've got to give me some tips. What's a move I can do?

Are you planning to go to prison any time soon? You never know. I might get popped for fucking a kid. You know, you've got to give me some kind of... And we've been demonetized on YouTube. Oh, sorry. It just happened. I'm joking. By the way, no one who actually fucks a kid gives a warning like that.

That's true. If you did go to prison for fucking a kid, all they're going to do is put you on a safe side of the prison where you can flourish and be away from everybody. So if you're going down for drugs, you should fuck a kid. Yeah, there you go. Just get to the safe side. Get to the safe side.

I'll get drunk driving, something. You know, shoplifting. They'll get me with something. You know what the crazy thing is? If you get drunk driving, they'll put you in prison with the most violent people in the world. You got to fucking drunk drive them. But if you was a sex offender or molester, they'll put you on the whole other end of a prison where you by yourself and you safe. Isn't that weird? It's fucking crazy. Because they expect these people to get the shit kicked out of them. Oh't that weird because it's fucking crazy because

they expect these people to get the shit kicked out of them oh yeah and they and it's going to happen you can't come to prison for a rape or molestation murdering a murdering a child killing old people killing women and people just know you can't like hide that i guess right you can't it's there's no way to hide everybody know what you that'd be a hard conversation in the cafeteria where you're like i'm in for drugs you're like funny story i fucked a kid uh i feel terrible oh yeah it's gonna get it's gonna get bad yeah there you yeah it's gonna get bad all right i i would i would i would tell anybody yeah it's gonna get bad. All right. I would tell anybody, yeah, it's gonna get bad.

Okay. Did you team up with the guys you went down with in the same prison as you? Mm-mm. No. Oh, that sucks. Was that tough? We weren't friends like that. Oh, okay.

I didn't want them there with me. Got it. It was business. Especially if Moe would have been there, I would probably kill Moe. Moe, I would have stabbed the shit out of Moe. Moe would have died. Do you guys talk now? Hell no.

Charles, the guy who I was partners with, me and Charles had one discussion maybe, shit, I'm going to say about eight years ago. And the discussion didn't go well. Because I saw his ex-wife and his daughter at this club and being helpful i walked the cake out because they it was somebody's birthday party and i walked the cake i walked the cake to the car yeah everybody know whoever walks the cake out that's who fucking the um somebody yeah that's the only guy who's walking

out the end of the night with the cake. He's the man. So I'm not even thinking about that. I'm just walking the cake out and I put the cake in their car and I'm gone. I get a phone call the next day. Uh oh. Hey you um you trying to fuck with my

ex-wife. I said who is this? Talking about this Charles. And I was so offended. I said, who is this? Talking about this Charles. And I was so offended. I said, hey bro, why would I be trying to fuck with Roxanne? While your daughter Alicia was there, why would... I said, Charles,

man, let me tell you something. Remember what I used to do for you when we was in the streets? I do that for myself. If I get another phone call like this, it's going to be a problem. Oh, boy. And we never spoke again. Charles knew.

I'm not playing that dumb shit with him. I like that. I'm like, are you fucking serious right now? Why would I want your ex-wife? It'd be great if you just started going in on her you're like she's gross yeah i don't find her attractive right but but the thing is she's very attractive oh okay she's a very attractive and she was she was like that when we was he had the type of wife yeah that roxanne was so motherfucking fine. Like so fucking fine. Like so

like so like so super fine. Like the other people that used to be in the crew with us, she would walk into the room and most people would just close their eyes like because you don't want Charles to see you looking at her, but it's impossible. Of course. It's's impossible. Of course.

It's fucking impossible. Answer me, is she the type of woman you would bring a cake out for? You would take several cakes out. Oh, damn. Come on. She is. And at the time, Roxanna had to be like fucking 60. Whoa.

And she was still together. Wow. Okay, let me say how much together she was. She was the queen for Trinidad in the carnival.

She was the head lady. You know they always fucking build, they gotta wear that little costume. Oh, it's crazy. Wow, Roxanne. Roxanne, Roxanne. Turn on the red light holy shit i'm never i'm never bringing a cake out again i didn't know that was what that implied happy father's day yeah no that's not okay oh damn what are the odds? Oh, it may be. Yeah. Roxanne was, but, you know, didn't want to. Now, is it like the movies where the Hispanic guys are over here,

the black guys are over here, the Aryan race, Aryan nation guys over there? Pretty much. Whoa. But everybody still has to interact with each other because we all work together. It's not like I'm in other because we all work together. Right. It's not like I'm in the laundry with all black people. It's like there's a bunch of people work everywhere, like boot factory, laundry, the field, the kitchen.

You work everywhere. But it's a race thing sometimes. Sure. It happens. Snitching here, can you say if there was drug dealing inside prison as well? I can say a lot of things about inside bro i'm not in there no more they ain't like they're gonna find me yeah there's a lot of drug dealing in there brought in by mostly the officers there you go wow yeah and it let me say

it's a lot of different trades that go on in prison every everything is what's like highest currency versus like whatever? Oh man, highest currency is cigarettes. Oh, I heard it was ramen noodles. No, ramen noodles ain't... That's a quote. I read that somewhere. No, ramen noodles, no. It's not even close.

It's like... So cigarettes are the top. What else are we talking about? Cigarettes, coffee. Coffee. Let me say this. I'm going to put coffee over cigarettes. Yeah, me too. I'm going to put coffee over cigarettes.

Because three bags of coffee gets you killed. Like somebody kill you for three bags of coffee. I could put a hit on you for three bags of coffee. Damn. Wow. All right. Good to know. Coffee, envelopes, stamps.

What? Yeah. You got a staples in there. Yeah, because stamps is for you to write home. Envelopes and stamps is for you to write home. That makes sense. So I'm going to go coffee, envelopes, stamps, cigarettes. I didn't think about the envelopes.

Sweets. Yeah, that's a big one. Sweets. What about porn? Like a magazine? Nah. It's way better. It's female offices for that.

Oh. No, let me tell you something. I'll bring her a cake. Attraction. Attraction is different when you're locked up. What you're attracted to with your your level right now because you're in a free society you got all these choices but when you incarcerated no no 80 a 89 year old woman with tight pants on is a fucking model she's a fucking super model

hear that martha stewart i believe no oh let me tell you what it gets your ass whooped, though. This is where I was first introduced to her. Her name is Denise Austin. Denise Austin. Is she the workout woman? The workout woman. The Pilates woman.

If you know, she wasn't doing Pilates then. She was just a workout box. She's hot. Blonde woman. Hydration isn't just for marathon runners. Regular people. Okay, sorry. There was no period there.

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Head to FUM.com and use code DRUNK to save 10% off when you get the Journey Pack today. That's try F-U-M dot com and use code DRUNK to save an additional 10% off your order today. Get on it, folks, and kick those habits. Yes. Okay, so, right. Oh, yeah. Oh okay so right oh yeah oh that's good in a free world do you understand watching this woman in the morning and i mean every morning every morning this the tv is on this lady denise austin oh yeah if you come turn that tv i guarantee you get your ass whooped. I guarantee. And her outfits was a lot skimpier than that. They were way.

She didn't have long pants on then. It was all like. Oh, really? The old bikini type. With the stockings like Denise Austin was. I bet you she still looks good. There we go. Yeah, this is.

This is. Oh, yeah. This is. This is a tease. This is. Man, let me tell you something. In the morning, oh, yeah. I'm shocked.

There's not a lot of curves going on here. Not a lot of ass. Oh, man. Yeah, but she's hot. I mean, I'm into it. Denise Austin. Assuming in a prison. Do you know what I'm saying?

He just said an 89-year-old woman is appealing. Oh, yeah, good point. This is fucking, this Denise Austin. Right now, this is hardcore. This is fucking... This is hardcore. Yeah. You've got to invite her to a show. This could be a love connection. You've been locked up for two years.

You ain't seen nothing. You've been nothing but dudes. And she's on TV in the morning. I'm into it. Meanwhile, she's 89 today. You got a shot. How old is she really? She's not 89. She can't be 89. I bet you a million dollars when she was doing those squats, she wasn't thinking, boy, in that

Franklin prison, I am cleaning up. Shit, shit. Oh, look at this black with the little... Oh, she would have gotten all... It would have been all type of problems. I bet she still looks good, though. She looks great. Fucking Denise Austin is still hot. Yeah, looking good, Denise.

Denise Austin is still fucking hot. Yeah, you don't want to turn that TV off. Oh, yeah, you get your ass whooped. So what was an average? That and then Cailente. Oh, Telemundo? Oh, yeah. When Cailente came on, oh, you get your ass whooped.

Pull her up. I want to see, because that Telemundo's got some smoking hot ladies. Those Latinas, they're all bombshells. What was an average day like in prison? I'm sorry we're asking so many questions about this, but this is fascinating.

Oh, wait a minute. Hold on. We got Kayente coming up. He's going to be distracted. Is that her? No. This is just a show. This is how going to be distracted. Is that her? No. This is just a show. This is how the show come on. Oh, really? Yeah, this is nothing to sneeze at either.

This is how the show come on. Wow. It's probably just some loose performer, but all the rest of the dancers that's around in there. Oh, yeah. Look at this. What is going on? This is hot.

Yeah. Wow. I got to go to Spain. Oh, yeah. Look at this. What is going on? This is hot. Yeah. Wow. I got to go to Spain. This was, what, in the 90s? Yeah. Remember that show MTV Grind? And they would just grind. Look at this lady right here in white bikini.

All you doing is waiting to get a close-up shot of any of this. Yeah, right. You take this back to your cell. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. You take these memories back to your cell. Yeah, right. You take this back to your cell. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. You take these memories back to your cell. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I heard guys would fuck a wet paper towel or wet toilet paper. Roll. Who are these guys? I think I heard that on a one-person show or something. What it was was... Maybe Tyson. No, the toilet paper roll, and you pack it with... It's a plastic thing, and you put Vaseline.

And then some dudes would put like a warm... It would be like a warm water bag. Like you put hot water in it, and you could put it inside the... some dudes would put like a warm, it would be like a warm water bag. Yeah. Like you put hot water in it and you could put it inside the, it was weird shit. There you go. Well, you got creative.

They was doing some weird shit. Yeah. I mean, it's basically like me when I was 13. I was fucking the couch. I was fucking the bed. I'd fuck a bicycle seat, a Kleenex box, a sleeve of a jacket.

You know, my house was ruined. Your dad never wore his coats. A sleeve of a jacket. Yeah, I was looking for dad never wore his coats yeah i was looking for anything what did you have a cellmate there and sometimes i did sometimes i put them out but other times i would keep a good one that's got to be tough it is it was some weird yeah what's it like meeting a cellmate like how does that first interaction go oh it fucking sucks it's like you ever um you ever somebody ever open for you that you didn't know like just some random guy from toledo right he's coming i'm brent and i'm hoping to be it's like it's just like that

like get the fuck out of here yeah yeah you go over here i'll go over here either way they're like take me with you i don't want you in this green room brent with me but that guy's opening for you for six years exactly actually just he opening for you until you decide you're gonna put him out yourself like i think that i and i and i i probably like to apologize to this guy named Brian for this. This white guy named Brian. I'm not a person. I don't like to hear urine into a toilet. Like, I fucking hate the sound of it. And I used to tell him, I said, hey, man, you got to sit down to use the restroom.

Because I don't want. Your floor is important. Sure. Because you keep your floor shine. So you don't want urine splashing out the toilet on the floor and all over your steel and so and i said hey and then he had a a prostate issue or something the way his urine would just drip out and i was like say man you gonna have to sit the fuck down man and and one night he was up and it was and i was asleep and i just heard this

fucking noise and i gotta i said yo man pack your shit up man you got to move in the morning you got to you got to move man and he's like what i said man you got to move in the morning when they roll the doors for breakfast you're gonna have to have to tell them, officers, that you need to move. Mm-hmm. And if you don't, then the next thing you do, I'm going to make it to where you got to move. Damn. And that's when the other shit come in.

Uh-oh. That's when, you know, you got to give somebody a black eye. You got to be some screaming coming from yourself. Right. But you don't want to do that. You kind of just want people just to move or move around and he didn't want to move at first and I I pressed the issue oh and then I felt bad like he got a real he got moved to another sale and then every time I seen I saw him he was he had a black eye all the time. That's because he's dripping all day.

And I was like, yo, man. And I asked him, I'm like, what the fuck is going on with you? And Selly was beating him up, just like starting and beating him up. Yeah. And the worst thing is I beat Selly up and told him don't extort him. Hey. Wow. That's nice.

But people thought I was like his protector after that, but I wasn't. I was like, I just don't, I've never been that guy to take advantage of somebody. You know, I've always done fair, even when I was doing illegal business, I did it fair. I've never jumped in,

but I've never actually even started a fight. I finished a lot of them. i've never jumped in but i've never actually even started to fight yeah i finished a lot of them i've never started one so and then i've never liked bullies yeah that's that's a that's a real thing with me like even now as a grown man like if i saw somebody bullying somebody i like fighting enough to step in and be like hey what's up yeah yeah it's like what this ain't gonna do what what what god damn it got something to do with me now right it was I like fighting enough to step in and be like, hey, what's up? Yeah, yeah. It's like, what? This ain't got nothing to do with what? What? What? God damn it, it got something to do with me now.

Right. It could be not even a person I know. I'm like, this is my good friend. I don't even know this person. Yeah. But I've never been a bully guy, a guy that would take advantage of somebody. Good.

That's a good peeve. Maybe we can segue into your peeves, Mark. We do pet peeves on the show. That's a good one. The guy pissing into the bowl. And bullies. Two peeves. Two pet peeves. I got bullied growing up so that's nice to hear. You got bullied growing up?

You should have been friends with me. I wish. I would have waited. I would have set people up. Look, look, look. Why don't you go bully that guy over there? Then I could come and just beat him up. Too late to bother you. Man, I've never liked bullies.

I've never liked them. No, I'd bring you a cake out of gratitude. I appreciate that. Guys, before we get to Mark's peeps, I just ask you, how did that go down with that guy who you beat the shit out of? The guy who, you know, who beat up your ex cellmate? Oh, it was a Mexican guy. It was a Mexican guy. But how did you just approach him?

It was like, stop bullying him. No, I asked him. I said, hey, I've done this twice. There was one guy named White Dog and then it was Brian. I've done this twice. There was one guy named White Dog, and then it was Brian. I said, hey, man, I hear that you're whooping on Brian. See.

He's like, man, what is the business of yours? I said, man, he's a friend of mine, and I don't take kindly to that. I got tired of talking. I don't want to to that. What is it? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I got tired of talking. I don't want to keep explaining this shit. Yeah. Beat his ass up. And I told him don't put his hands on it no more. And then I remember this guy named White Dog who I was in the county with, right?

And White Dog was a, he like 6'3", white guy, real lanky cool ass white dude and i was like yo um we called him white dog man white dog and then white dog is sent to torre we was on torres unit and sit right outside of san antonio hondo texas and i saw him when he came on the unit because i was on i was on um seven building he was on four i'm Because I was on 7th building. He was on 4th. I'm like, yo, man, what's up, man? You just got here. He's like, yeah, man, they got me over here on 4th building. I'm like, cool. Next thing I see, he said,

he flagged me down. He's like, hey, this is weird and shit. Hey, I don't know a lot of Spanish, but I think my silly and them talking about fucking me. And I was like, well, shit. hey, I don't know a lot of Spanish, but I think my silly, and then talking about fucking me. Whoa.

And I was like, well, shit. That's great to know just a little bit of Spanish. I think, I got a bad feeling about that word right there. I was like, oh. I heard culo. I was like, are you sure? He's like, man, yeah, I think they ate. I said, man, don't trip on that. Don't trip on that.

I got you. So I said, because we on two different sides of the unit. I said word. I said, yo, this is my guy. If anybody put their hands on him, it's going to be some problems. And the word gets back like, this is ali's guy don't put your fucking hands on so i went to the the assistant warden his name was mendoza i say mendoza um can i get two people transferred on the other side of the prison to like four building or i mean to like six building the

seventh building he's like man what you got who i said this guy named white dog that's not his real name i'm gonna just show him to you and dexter manley and he was like who the is dexter manley i was like the great one of the greatest defensive ends of all redskins oh and he's like we have an athlete on this unit i'm like you have dexter manley yeah only dexter man was locked up on tory's unit too and he's on four building i got it transferred to to um to the side that we was on oh what was he. What was he in for? Cocaine. Using. Damn. Dexter Manley.

And the crazy thing is, I remember when people thought Dexter Manley was going to kill me. Oh, that's terrifying. We in the day room watching TV. You know how ABC used to do these things about sports, and they would have all these, they would be running these things about football players. They was running football players,

and they was like Dexter Manley, greatest defensive end of all time. So Dexter, I'm standing up watching the TV. Dexter's sitting on this bench behind the thing, and we're like this. Everybody watching TV, and this is a commercial. Right before they go to commercial, that man says this. Because this is when they used to do an echo for everybody all the time. Dexter Manley, greatest defense end of all times, times, times, times.

Yeah, yeah. And this is me. I'm standing up. And I did it this slow until I said. I said. snow too I said I said now look at you and they thought Dexter was gonna fucking kill me Dexter stood up and just

went upstairs and laid on his bunk right so he on his bunk and people keep talking to me, talking about, hey man, you need to go apologize to Dexter, man. I'm like, I'm not fucking apologizing to Dexter, man. He talking about, man, you hurt Dexter. I say, I didn't fucking hurt no goddamn Dexter, man.

But people don't understand. I know Dexter. Dexter's from Houston. He's from my same neighborhood. And I'm like, Dexter ain't fucking mad. Dexter was so hurt right so i had to go upstairs and it so i sat on this bunk so dex is like this he's like this and i come and i sit on this bunk and i'm like this i'm like hey dex man um i was just around man i apologize i was just playing with you

and I put this on my children's life on my children Dexter did me just like this I'm like kind of right here so he did me like this he was like this no you wasn't and he told me

like an angsty teen i had to convince dexter to come eat to go to the cafeteria and we walked in together and my and the people that's in my on my block was clapping talking about oh they made up i was man i was so disgusted dexter was was so sensitive. Damn, that's hilarious. The gentle giant. And he, man, this dude, Cocaine Man, was. Do you still know him? Yeah, I saw Dexter maybe two years ago jogging. Oh, wow.

And Dexter's a good dude, man. I was just fucking with him. Yeah. But in prison, I was like that, man. I would just bother people. Well, you're a comedian. For no reason. Right.

You know, like, I was just a, I was, people don't understand, I grew up there. I was a, basically, I was a kid. I was a kid. You grew up in prison. Basically. Yeah. I'm 19, and I, I don't think people are saying this so my birthday October 17 1973 when I was born

October 17 October 21st I am I turned 19 and then 4 days later I'm in prison wow so I'm a child so I'm still this goofy

kid that still was jovial in the street. So I'm not really understanding the gravity. Sure. Of this place like that. So Darrington Unit. Darrington Unit was the place that really gave me the understanding of how prison really works. So this guy, I don't know his name. He, I get to Darrington unit, and Darrington is a max.

And it's a guy, he has a broomstick stuck in his side, like to his side. And the way this prison is built, it's too tight for them to put him on a gurney and bring him out because the stick just keep hitting the balls. He has to walk out.

He's walking out and he's coming out off the block. I'm on transit. I'm just now getting here. And they got us in a line and they got us stopped and they're like, we're bringing out an inmate. Everybody got to stop. And I'm standing there

and I'm the first person in line, right? So when he comes off the block, he looks right at me and said, it's wild in here, youngster. I'm like, that's all you got? It's wild in here? You I'm like that's all you got it's wild stick in your side I can tell it's wild

oh man it's fucking crazy damn he got the spear conspiracy I gotta pee I'll be right back I gotta pee

don't drip you better sit down when you pee it's gotta be crazy to be Dexter manley and come out of prison and your football team is a different name you know just thought of that the commanders but man that is terrifying you can't go back now you'll you you've done your time you you gotta you gotta fly right i have no intentions okay so i've been out 25 years right so i got i got arrested for a traffic warrant that i didn't know that i had oh no okay so i am i'm 43 i had to spend a night in jail right and this is the terrible thing. I'm in a small town, right?

Bezoria County. I'm in Bezoria County. It's all white people. Yeah, I've never heard of it. All white people in jail. And I'm thinking, okay, I'm cool. Nobody's gonna know I'm in here because it's all white guys. I'm on

the show. This is not happening, right? Yeah, yeah. White people clearly on the show. This is not happening, right? Yeah, yeah. White people clearly watch this show. Oh, we love it. And I have a mattress, and I'm going to the thing because I got to stay in here overnight, and I am pissed. You know why I got to stay in here overnight?

I got arrested at 9 something in the morning. I'm arrested at nine. So I get there. It's about 915 when I get to the actual jail. And I'm thinking, okay, I'm not going to be here long. You know why? This is going to be crazy to everybody. I am the spokesperson for a bail bondsman company.

And the slogan is, if you go to jail We'll get you out Midtown Bail Bonds I am the spokesperson for them We have like 40, 50 commercials That's running on the radio Midtown Bail Bonds If you go to jail, we'll get you out

It's all my voice, I'm thinking Clearly, they're not going to leave me in here Right, right So I gotta get out, right? So, I, um, I'm being very arrogant.

Houston, Texas, Midtown Bell Bar. I'm being very arrogant. So, I'm not handcuffed. They don't have me handcuffed. And I'm sitting there, and I'm talking to the officers, and I'm like, and I'm talking to the officers and I'm like hey um hey my knees whenever y'all get time I need to use the phone I need to give my phone call so I can get up out of here man yeah and they like what I said man I'm getting up out of

here baby for sure yeah um I'm I'm midtown bell bar this is what I'm thinking and so I mean I'm Midtown Bell Ball. This is what I'm thinking. And so, I mean, they got me in this holding tank. Before they put me in the holding tank, this man said, Hey, the CO, we need to get your shoestrings. I said, for what? Because we can't have you hanging yourself. Yeah, that Al Rucker right there. He said, we can't have you hanging yourself. I said, man, there he say um we can't have you hanging yourself I said man I don't know y'all know but I'm on I'm on TV and I'm

on the radio and I'm well to do yeah I'm not gonna hang myself behind a traffic ticket just know that yeah that's guaranteed they still took my strengths so I'm in there and I said hey I'm talking I'm like man I'm about to get out this shit anyway and I keep tapping on the window I'm saying yo CEO um say man let me get my phone call so I can get up out of here I call my bell my bell bother people and this little young white boy said, you ain't going to get out of here until in the morning. Now, this is where my, this is where my prison penitentiary history kicks in.

I say, first of all, Hey man, stay out of my motherfucking business. Cause you don't know nothing about me playboy. And he said, little white guy said, well,

I mean, I know nothing about you, but I know everything about this jail because I've been here 21 times. I've been in here 21 times.

And it is 9.30. You're not going to see a judge today. I said, 9.30 a.m., why wouldn't I see a judge? So the sheriff come. I said, hey man, I need to see the judge so the sheriff called and I said hey man I need to see the judge so I can get a bond so I can get out of here he said the judge

is done for the day I said at 9.30 I said he's done all the fucking judging that he need to do by 9.30 I said okay not gonna be not gonna be all in his business what time

did he start judging had to be like 5 he had to start judging at 5 he's like no 830 he did an hour judging and that's it damn

what is this Mayberry so where are we I mean this is like Brazoria County oh Brazoria so I um

had to spend the night. Ah. And I am pissed. So I'm going, I'm carrying my matches, right? I'm carrying my matches on this side, and I'm walking past all these sales, and there's all these white dudes, and I'm thinking, okay, ain't nobody gonna know me. And this white guy beating on the window. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Ali Sadiq. Ali Sadiq. Because I just did the prison riot story. And he's like, yo, man, Mexican got on boots. I'm like... And I'm trying to ignore him. And he's like,

yo, man, aren't you Ali Sadiq from This Is Not Happening? I said, yeah, man, but this is not happening. So I'm in there, and overnight, and I remember I'm 43, and I'm on this, it's the same mattress that they had when I was 19, the same steel bunk, and I can't get comfortable for shit. I'm like, damn damn this shit is fucking horrible so

it's this guy rapping and I'm fucking pissed then this other guy yelling I need my insulin I need my insulin I'm like I forget how fucking noisy jail is can't get no sleep

so they come get me out at like 5 20 I'm going to see the judge it's the next day I'm going to see the judge I see the judge at 7 they give me a bond I call the bond company the bond company

already they already knew that I was in there so they already made my bond so i'm waiting to get out and i'm just thinking like damn man and i'm talking to this guy and he's like yo man you lucky man you about to get out i'm gonna be here for another three months i say why is that he said man I just got picked back up. He just got out of jail for serving 180 days for no child support payment. They picked him back up

after he got out of jail for no child support payment. He just got out of jail 180 days. How the hell is he going to pay what he owes? And this white guy was like, man, I said, man, how much you owe? He's like, $1,500. Oh, my God.

And I was like, that's it? Yeah. My bond was $2,500. Yeah. I just paid the whole thing and got out. And I went back. And I beat the case. But it was the, my back, my back still hurts from that one night

at 43 sleep on that fucking mattress that mattress and that steel and i think it's a great time to go to our ad casper thank you and i think back like how did i do it yeah all those years yeah i was in there younger like my body was different yeah you know i'm so young i'm very pampered now i got a very nice mattress and sure and i've got uh three thousand count sheets you know like man prison is a hard way to go for an old person right now it's a young man's game. It's nobody's game. Well, yeah. But if you go, you might as well go young while your body still can endure.

It's rough. Damn. Yeah. You ever do the stint? In prison? Yeah. Ponzi scheme when I was 22. I did my...

You ever do it? I've done a night In the drunk tank Just been handcuffed A few times They never took me in I got very lucky Yeah Nothing

Yeah I've done the holding cell But I've never done the In the drunk tank? Yeah You are disgusting It wasn't pretty either Yeah Because the drunk tank

People don't realize The drunk tank Is the most disgusting Oh Puking Oh it's full of You know Somebody Somebody has done a lot In the drunk tank is the most disgusting. Oh, puking. Oh, it's full of, you know, somebody has done a lot in the drunk tank. I've seen people go to the drunk tank and like, oh, yeah. It's bad.

It's bad. It's bad. Everybody ends up naked most of the time in the drunk tank because you want to be quiet. They done told you, hey, be quiet. We come here and take your clothes. You throw up on yourself. It's all type of defecation somebody peed on the on the wall yeah the drunk thing is awful that's all one guy cried it was bad it was really bad that was me well you know just like oh i'm not supposed to be here this is

not my life oh yeah oh yeah and i was like all right i thought i was the biggest wuss in here and then this guy i was glad he was crying. The lady who lived in my house, she had to go to jail for traffic tickets. And I never get she's dressed up really, really nice. When she I remember when she left the house, she had on heels, this white skirt, this orange shirt. And she called me. I've been arrested. I said, OK, we're going to come get you out. I've been arrested I said okay

we gonna come get you out and she's um in this place that takes all day to let you out yeah and she's looking like she's gonna have to spend the night and she can't take it she's called

I got so many collect calls in like a five hour period it was insane I already made your bond you good we just wait on you to get out I got so many collect calls in like a five hour period. It was insane. Oh man. It was like, yo, I've already made your bond. You good. We just wait on you. Got,

she stood up the whole entire time that she was in there and she was in there for like 16 hours before they let out. She has on heels and her ankles were so swollen. Wow. Nope. They, they, it was women in there using

the bathroom. They was doing everything and I wasn't doing anything. I was just standing there. She didn't want to sit on anything. How did you come out with a completely nice white skirt on? I didn't move. I stood in the same place. I didn't eat. When you first go

to jail, you don't eat anything anyway. Because you think you're going to get out. Everybody thinks they thinks they're gonna get out i don't give a damn how heinous and horrific your crime is you think you're gonna get out yeah i just killed 18 children i'm gonna get a bond they're gonna let me out i'm not eating anything yeah and everything takes so long and there's no urgency in jail you know you think there's people behind a desk like we got to get them out phones ringing you know doing all this shit but no one's doing anything how about how bad what was like the worst meals that you got in there everything yeah was anything good in there no um it was

that one year texas prisons one year they took on this thing called they purchased this stuff called Vita Pro making you make it look Vita Pro up Vita Pro was was some

stuff that you add water to it and it expands like a gremlin what the hell is that it's like it's like a vegemite this shit was killing cattle and pigs and shit in canada and and texas purchased it to and it came in a and like it was that little ice bucket right there that little ice bucket say it came in that right

that could feed 5,000 people that shit right there it's like a chia pet it's like a chia pet for food yeah little army men that used to get bigger and it was made of all type of shit that was causing boils for food. Those little army men that used to get bigger. Yeah, exactly.

It was made of all types of shit that was causing boils. This was and it smelled fucking horrible. It smelled like they was boiling rubber. This shit here, Vitapro,

I should have a class action lawsuit against him. I never even ate the shit. I never even tasted it. That shit was crazy. Yeah. Let's go to our second sponsor, Vita Pro. Yeah, Vita Pro. It's not that bad anymore, guys.

It's crazy. It's actually good now. Damn. That was crazy. It expands. This is like tofu before tofu even came out. Right. This is crazy.

So would you eat the bread around the VitaPro, I guess? No, you didn't eat none of it. They put this in beans. They put it in everything. It was like a supplement. It was like what a veggie patty is now before they started developing them. This is impossible. Oh, it was crazy, man.

On the flip side, did have like your favorite like food hack there like some recipe that you made like with some not just just my noodle just the regular noodle recipes you know uh a hot what we call a hot spread or a cold spread hot spread is like you you would buy canned goods off of commissary you buy roast beef you buy chili you buy beef soups you buy all that stuff and you'll boil you'll boil all that stuff and you'll put the roman you'll put that in oh nice make it more more you add cheese and um sounds pretty good fritos oh yeah then you put rich crackers on and make it like a big spread thing cold spread is um mackerel mackerel sardines tuna um sandwich spread so that's a cold

spread yeah hot spreads cold spread is different damn but the key ingredient is cheese and chips and the soup we do a lot of peeves on here it's really hard to go into a peeve after him talking about prison for like two hours he's like he's like you know this the food was horrible i'm like people who talk on speakerphone yeah on the elevator oh my goodness somebody on up on an elevator on the speakerphone you're like yo everybody's on the fucking elevator i know right it's crazy man that oh that's that's definitely a fucking pet peeve of mine do you have any others anything the top of your head that drives you crazy? Something somebody does out everyday life that you can't stand? Oh, so I can't stand the fact that people don't know.

So if you're coming from this way and you want to make a turn, like in the median. Okay. So actually, it's supposed to go like this. this way and you want to make a turn like in the median. So actually it's supposed to go like this. You're supposed to go to the far end and the other person's supposed to go this way. So y'all can both see what's the strategy. I hate people that fucking short, stop short. And neither one of them can see. And me, I drive a big truck and I wait.

Go, go, I'ma stay there. Go, and I'm not helping. I'm not fucking helping you. I don't give a damn I wait. Go, go. I'm going to stay there. Go. And I'm not helping. I'm not fucking helping you. I don't give a damn if there's a hundred cars coming. I hope your ass run. I hope they run over your fucking ass. Because you should have came all the way down so you can see,

so I can see this way. Fucking jackass. That's a great call. Great call. That happens all the time. Intersections. They stop short. People don't stop at stop signs either.

That fucking rock stop shit. Just fucking stop. They stop short. People don't stop at stop signs either. That fucking rock stop shit. Just fucking stop. Like, why you just can't stop? Like, what's the rock stop shit? What is this? What is that stop for? What's wrong with just stopping the vehicle? I've done that.

Well, it's something about stopping and starting again. I don't know. I want to just have a smooth coast. But it's. Well, get on the freeway. This is a stop sign. People who speed through school zones people who speed through residential areas yeah people speed through fucking shopping if you're in a grocery store why are you speeding in this parking lot i know already fucking here yeah and you're like

into a parking spot like did you need to go 50 into this spot? It's crazy. No, I'm with you. Okay, those are mine. Those are good. I like all his Houston ones. They're all driving and all those like. I have a lot of walking ones.

People are walking my path while I'm walking. You're not driving out here, are you? We had a ton before we cut them off. No, no, I got a few. How about this one? This drives me crazy. And this might be a lady thing. Sorry, Fanny. But my wife does this all the time i'll be like oh uh we're going out to eat i'll get us an uber she's like oh great so i call the uber whatever you know it says three minutes and every car to go is that it and i'm like no no it's two minutes away and then a car is that it i'm

like no no it's two minutes away is that it it? No, it's one minute away. And everyone, she's like, is that it? I'm like, have some patience, you crazy coos. I'm telling you, it's one minute away. That's not it. It's a Chevy Bolt. And I'm like, that's a Honda. It's like us with our stories. Is it over yet?

Two minutes away. Wrap it up. It's one minute away. One star. One star. One star on that story. I got to peeve. wrap it up it's one minute away one star one star one star on that story I gotta pee if this is when

you ever have that friend who's like he'll shit talk someone in front of you on the street and they hear it you do that under the breath you don't do it

oh that's bad a French we're both drunk and a French guy walks by and he's like you know he's talking and my friend goes, he heard you. You can't do it till he hears you.

And he goes, yeah, he heard me. I'm like, he's looking angrily at us. That's awkward. He's looking angrily at us. He's pissed. Oh, an angry freshman. He's a total baguette. It's rude.

Angry Canadian. Yeah, right. he's a total baguette rude angry canadian that's funny though that's that my friends do that hey man are you the man can i can hear you uh uh the by the lady who live in my house she she'll say something loud that lady lady right there hey hey hey the the lady the lady can hear you yeah she can't hear me she's looking at you yes yes she wasn't looking over here at first and then you said the lady over there how about this one this is a comedian thing you're in the hotel room. It's 11 a.m. You slept in. You're hungover. Hello, housekeeping. I'm good. I'm in the bed.

Dick out. You know, sheets up. I'm good. Hello, housekeeping. I'm like, why can I hear you? And I'm yelling way louder than you and you can't hear me. What is that shit? I'm good. Don't come in.

They just want to come in. Is that what it is? Yeah, I think they get paid by room. Oh, is that right? Yeah, I think so. Isn't that? I think that's the case. Well, if she's coming in, I'm balls out.

You know, that's on her. Oh, what's another pet peeve? You ever had a comic that's a young comic trying to interview you oh that's crazy how'd you get started oh that's the worst you know we just did two shows together what's your writing process yeah what's your well yeah you know how do you you know how do you come up with your concept yeah man you don't get the fuck away from me. I know. This is a podcast? What is it?

I don't want to be interviewed by you. No, that's a good one. It's weird when it's just not organic. Yeah. It just doesn't happen in a natural way. It feels weird. You ever had somebody introduce you as a comic and you're just chilling? Oh, forget about it. You just.

Oh, like in the world? You just being a normal, regular person. He's like, hey, this is my friend, Mark Norman. He's a comedian. He's like. Yeah, yeah, you don't seem funny. Tell me a joke. Now I'm on the clock again at this wedding.

At a wedding. Yeah, it's brutal. I'm with you. You got one? I don't want to step on yours. What, what? Your peeve. No, I just did a peeve. Okay, okay. Do you have another one? I got another one. Yeah, it's brutal. I'm with you. You got one? I don't want to step on yours. What, what? Your peeve. No, I just did a peeve.

Okay, okay. Do you have another one? I got another one. Yeah, go. Oh, that was... I can see. I think I know what you're talking about. But you ever in a room, just you and a guy, just you and him, and you go, where'd you

get those shoes? Who, me? It's just us and him. And he, you go, uh, where'd you get those shoes? Who, me? It's just us. It's literally us. There's no one else around. I'm talking to you. I'm making eye contact with you. I'm a foot away from you.

We're holding hands. We're at a bar. There's no one in here. Who, me? They love it. Yeah, you. It's the same as someone being like, funny you asked. Just say the fucking thing.

Just speak. I hate that. I hate that. Stop delaying the answer. Yeah, right. What are you, assaulted funny you asked. Just say the fucking thing. Just speak. I hate that. I hate that. Stop delaying the answer. Yeah, right. What are you, assaulted? Come on. Just say the answer.

Oh, here's a peeve. You ever have someone, I saw someone post about his wife, I love you forever more. Forever more. Easy Shakespeare. Yeah, right. Forever more. Just say I love you. What is this, The Raven?

Yeah. Come on. You're pandering. i hate it you're paying it's also it feels like an unhealthy relationship yeah if you have to broadcast it that much i've been in them i've done it it's not a good idea comedy pet peeve right now um my my pet peeve right now is fucking comics who put up crowd work i do it all the time that's all right well we just don't want to burn material yeah i i'm like i would rather you just put up something else because let me tell you why because now because it's being a thing it's an internet thing yeah okay so now you go to

you go to do shows and audiences think that you're going to do it too. That is starting to happen. So they like, I'm trying to engage. Hey, I'm not fucking here to do no crowd work. You do that, right? I got to explain that. And I'm like, yo, I'm not trying to make a crowd work clip with you.

I have an act. Let me do my act. I have a whole show that I came here to do. Right. I'm going to do different shows every night. Not trying to do any crowd work. And somebody keeps like they keep oh he's going to do it every time.

Yeah you can see it in the crowd. We do a lot of short jokes so I think we need to do crowd work at some point just to like mix up the rhythm. You're a storyteller right? I mean you do bits too but I've seen you do like long stories. I think structurally like crowd work for us like dangerfield would do crowd work you know like short joke people would do crowd work so you know the difference is between dangerfield i'm glad you

said that yeah yeah this is one of my idols oh yeah besides being better than us go ahead nobody saw him doing it it's on his album it's on his albums yeah You would have to hear him do it. But it's not broadcasted him doing crowd work. Because it was a different era. There was no way to broadcast it. So back then, if it would have been the internet,

then shit, he would have probably did it. But now, it's like, because it's on the internet, and people think everything on the Internet applies to every comic. Right. Because now say one comic. I hate anything that one comic starts doing for a reason. And then everybody starts doing it for something.

I know. The side to side clip. God damn it. How many? God damn. Oh, I'm going The side clip, goddammit, how many goddamn, oh, I'm going to show this right here, then I'm going to comment on it. Goddammit, I'm not doing it. Like, everybody.

Everyone did the reaction shit. Here's me watching two girls, one cup. Like, I'll just watch the fucking two girls. I don't need to watch you watch it. But yeah, and then everybody had one. But yeah, there's a lot of that coffee cat shit. Everybody doing something. But just think, you then everybody had one. But yeah, there's a lot of that copycat shit. Everybody doing something. But just think, you guys have actual shows.

Right. Your fucking special was fucking awesome. Oh, hey. Thanks, you too. It was fucking awesome. And when you dropped it during the pandemic, it was like, I was like, yes, we have something fresh to watch. But it wasn't gravity. It was you doing your, I was like, yes, we have something fresh to watch. But it wasn't crowd work.

It was you doing your thing. Yeah, yeah. Well, you don't put out, like, you do your material. It's separate to me. You know what I mean? Like, the crowd work is like a thing to get people out to see the material. Right. I don't want to burn material online for the next special.

Right. Because that's mine. I want to, you know, I want to own all of it. I think I get that. I respect that. I think with me, because it's starting to impede on

me doing, so I think it's a personal thing because people think that I'm going to do it. I hear that. Just like when people think that i'm going to do it i hear that yeah and just like what people think that i remember this lady said this this was friday never forget it friday i'm taking all these pictures and this lady said i hadn't seen your special because i was coming to see you friday and i didn't want to see the same material. Luckily, it's this guy standing there.

He didn't do nothing from his special. That's nice to hear. I explained to him, ladies. I said, do you understand that a special is different from my club show? I have an actual club show

and then my special is different. That's why it's called a special and this is the club show. I have an actual club show, and then my special is different. That's why it's called a special, and this is the club show. I have, with me, I have a lot of different hours because I have different stories. Most comics don't have 25-minute stories or 30-minute stories. I have 30-minute stories.

So an hour show to me could be two stories. That's crazy. Wow. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. So if I, so just think about this.

If I just did my three, if I just came out and did the three This Is Not Happenings. Yeah. Mexico Out On Boots, Mitchell, and The Mushroom Story.

That's an hour. Damn. Just in those three stories. Yeah. If I, most of my specials are an hour and 20 minutes, hour and 30 minutes. So I tell material, I turn over material at a different rate than most comics. But I'm still judged based upon, because I come out and sit down.

I get shit because I'm sitting down why is he sitting down I get shit because I'm not fast paced people come see comics which I and I hope that we all make this effort to rectify

this if you come to see Mark Norman you coming to see Mark Norman you not coming to see Dan Soto you not coming to see Don Rickles you're coming to see mark norman you're coming to see mark norman you're not coming to see dan soda you're not coming to see don rickles you're coming to see mark you have to let artists be artists sure who they are nobody goes to print to a print show hoping to hear a michael jackson song right i bet that's changing for you i mean i bet like you know you know been doing so well comedians in general yeah people come to see us based upon what they already like and if hoping that we're something like close to they already if they don't already if they're not already fans of yours right so i'm coming to see mark norman i'm sitting the

whole time i'm thinking why he not like bobby lee because he's not fucking bobby lee so you can't come to a a comedian show a comedy show and think that every comic is the exact same we're all different i think the podcast held though i do think that the comedy fans have become more sophisticated because they listen to all these podcasts and they're like oh i know what this person does you know like if i do crowd work in an hour maybe i do an hour 10 in a if i do a theater show or something maybe three or four minutes of crowd work maybe less i don't do a lot of crowd work in the in unless something's happening i have to roll with it but you know the material is what you're excited about. That's where I'm like, I can make something with this. You know what I mean? I can make a special.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. But I agree. I think certain people, it's rare, though. It doesn't happen to my shows a lot. Like, I don't find that they're expecting it. You know, if I just am like, I'm doing material for an hour or ten, I don't do any of it, it's fine. Like, there's not a problem.

Maybe people are coming to see you that's coming to see you that you have your own core group of fans coming to see you new people like D.L. Hughley D.L. Hughley used to be known for doing crowd work

like his whole first half of his career him and Guy Torrey was the was the fucking best at it. They used to get judged like, oh, we don't want to get talked about if you go to a DL. So to take that away from the talk about DL does

maybe 45, 50 minutes of material and then at the end, he'll talk to the front row. He'll tie everything together with the front row because he got tired of being judged by people think that i'm gonna talk about them when i come to the show it's it's just that it's like the different dynamics of how long you've been doing stand-up 16 or 17 maybe 17 maybe 17 yeah maybe and you about the 16 but that same so i got a i got a

couple years on y'all 25 i've seen people shift a little different in difference in different spaces like it's it's realistically, comedy is a black, white, mainstream thing. Either you black, you white, or you mainstream. And that's weird. Wait, what do you mean, black, white, mainstream? So, have you ever been invited to Atlanta Comedy Theater? You ever perform there? No.

I'd like to. Not black. But have you ever been to Laughing Skulls? Yeah. Really white. Yeah, very white. Very white. You know what I'm saying? And so, with me, so I'm

black. How many black people come on Rogan? Well, you just did it. Yeah, I've did it four times. But how many black people are on rogan's what you just did it yeah i've did it four times but how many but how many black people are on rogan i don't know it's definitely less than white you're saying so how many black people even my audience my audience breaks down like this is 15 of everything. Yeah. Black, Hispanic, white, Asian, other. It's 15% of everything. It's not a lot of black people who have that type of audience.

That's true. Chappelle's got a good mix. Chappelle has a good mix. But when you start talking about black comics who have this mix, you're going to go Chappelle, then Kevin. Not Earthquake. I love Earthquake, too.

But you know what I mean. I fucking love Earthquake. But not Earthquake. Yeah, yeah. Not Arnest J. Not Bruce Bruce. Right, yeah. You know, not Arnaz J. Yeah, not Samore. You know, not Bruce Bruce. Right, right.

Givens. You know what I'm saying? Adele, yeah, yeah. So you're going to be hard-pressed to find a bunch of black people coming to see Dan Sober. Well, we're scared to go see Cat Williams. We're scared of that audience. You know, and it's a lot of lines.

And because of this, I used to, this is my thing, I was always a person who would open for anybody. Yeah, same. Same. I'm like, you can see me, Houston Improv, this would be the lineup. It would be, I would be hosting for Bobby Lee. I would be featuring for Miles Jabroni. I'd be featuring for D.L. Hughley.

I'd be featuring for Bill Burr. Wow. So, and then whoever else comes, even if we the same caliber, I don't have a problem. If I'm off, if they call and say, hey, Mark Norman need a feature, I'm off. If I'm at home, you're fucking right,

I'm coming to perform. I'd have no problem if this is my home club. But that should be the attitude of any young comic, I think. But see, the thing, I come to Houston Improv four times a year. I sell out every show that I'm coming there to do. Most comics are not going to come and feature

for Mark Norman if they're already selling our show. That's true. I'm going to come. I love that. Because I love the craft. And I'm going to come just work. I don't give a shit. I featured for Angela Johnson. Oh oh yeah and this was very this

was this was manicure pedicure angela johnson huge so it's me as johnson and shane wayne wow that's a good show diverse and i'm shit i'm just as happy as if but the week before the exact week before I came to feature I came to host for Ansel Johnson I just sold out nine shows at the improv wow damn mass majority of people not gonna do that but me

loving the craft you live in Houston so yeah I live in Houston yeah me loving the craft I man I'm at home. And it's a chance for me to get on stage in front of another audience. I'm with you. I'm like a fucking audience thief. You know what I'm saying?

I will come to your show and steal 10 people out your audience. Wow. They're going to come and see me. It's similar to being like in New York we'll just go up same thing like Gotham someone comes through I'll pop in and do a set

the cellar is really where we go up but you don't have a club like the cellar that's a showcase club in Houston do you yeah the improv but it's not

but it's usually a headliner on the weekend though right but it's during the week it's showcase you know it's showcasing and and I

I come here and they ask me to go up at the cellar all the time and i refuse why i i'm not i came to do i came to the cellar i came to do live from the cellar oh yeah i came to gotham but i'm not pressed when i come to a city to go up. I'm always like, is it other guys that you don't let go up? Like in L.A. I never go up in L.A. L.A. is weird. And they ask me to go up all the time.

But what about this guy who's been here every fucking week that you ain't let go up? Yeah, that's weird. Let him go up. Right. I don't need the practice. Let him go up. Yeah, that's weird. Let him go up. Right. I don't need the practice. Let him go up. Yeah. But what you're doing is doing the celebrity thing. Oh, Ali was in the room.

Mark Norman was in the room. Man, I'm not doing that shit. I agree. What about this guy that actually needs the time? Yes. Hear, hear. And I think that amongst comics, we should support those younger guys

who need the time. Yeah. Like, I used to hate when somebody would come in and just suck up all the time. Oh, you gonna do 40 minutes just because you are somebody. Oh, I hate that shit. Yeah, you hear that, Eddie Griffin? And I'm on the fucking list.

I'm on the list. Sometimes the newer guys do that, though. I'll tell you. It shocks me, but sometimes the newer guys are the ones running the light, and I'm like, what are you doing? That's crazy. That's when somebody's not running the room well. When I used to run the room, I used to run the room, go ahead and run the light.

I wish you would run the light. You'll follow me to the bathroom and make him pee, sit down. Go ahead and run a light I wish you would run the light you'll follow him to the bathroom and make him peace go ahead and run a light go ahead and run a light I'ma light you and then we have to light you twice cool I got you

you do know I'm hosting this show right and I'm finna go right back up they're gonna get the hot spread it's finna get the hot spread alright well where you gonna be we gotta wrap this up They go, oh. Oh, they're going to get the hot spread. It's going to get the hot spread. All right, well, where are you going to be? We've got to wrap this up. First off, yeah. Oh, shit.

You killed it. Before this even, where can you find the special? Because I've seen a lot of your stuff. It's all very funny, man. Killer. Definitely check out his stuff. YouTube. I'm so independent.

I'm on YouTube. They have my whole schedule up there. I'm at the Brick House Comedy Club. Nice. I'm at Interior at the Improv. I'm at somewhere elseick House Comedy Club. I'm in Ontario at the Improv. I'm at somewhere else. And I'm somewhere else. Orlando. Cleveland.

Hartford. I'm in Hartford, Connecticut. When I go to Connecticut, I'm also speaking in a prison in Connecticut. Hell yeah. This was definitely a refresher of me going back. Yeah, right? was definitely a refresher of me going back. Yeah, right?

You hear that, Rich Cat? Yeah, and I'm sitting there thinking, this name, I was really concerned about the name of this podcast, We May Be Drunk. But I see how, I see where it comes from, because I damn sure may be drunk. Clip it, man. I may be a little toe up.

Yeah, good for you. When does this come out? Third week of July. All right. Third week of July. I'll also be at Charlotte, North Carolina August 11th.

Ooh, great room. Oh, man, I love the comedy zone. Great club. But the main thing is, man, you can go online. You can go to YouTube. You can watch Domino Effect 1. You can watch Domino Effect 2. Those are my specials.

The Domino Effect 2 is the new special, which is probably, and I'm going to say it with other comics being on the show, it's probably the greatest special of all time. Whoa. With other comics being on the show. It's probably the greatest special of all time. Whoa. With other comics being on the show. So ballsy. I know it's probably going to be a pet peeve lately. I'm like when comics come on our show and try to say they're better than us.

Go see Ali. Bring him a cake, for Christ's sake. And you're not opening for me when I go to Houston. I don't want you stealing my crowd. If you come to Houston, I'm in town. Okay, okay. Because now I'm doing these poppians. Because I'm bringing back the real guest set.

Oh, I love a poppin'. So you guys will be a real guest set. People who don't know, you're not a fucking guest set. You're an intruder. You're intruding on the show. If I brought y'all out, people are like, oh, shit. They excited. Like, my first pop in is going to be June 30th.

I'm popping in on Bill Bellamy. He's in Cincinnati. I'm going to pop in on him. Because Ricky Smiley popped in on me while I was in Zanies. Yeah. And I brought him out first, and then he brought me back out. Miss Pat popped in on me. So as comics, and as notable, incredible comics,

we should pop in on each other. I love it. And enhance each other's show. I'll be in Houston very soon. When are you coming to Houston? Sunday. Oh! Literally. There we go. You coming Sunday? Yeah. I'm in Texas. Let's do it. I'll be in Houston very soon. When are you coming to Houston? Sunday. Oh! There we go. You're coming Sunday?

Yeah. I'm in town. House of Blues. Come by. You're at the House of Blues? Come by. Oh, now we're talking. What date is that? I don't know. We'll find out after. I've been drinking too. We'll exchange numbers. And I'll definitely come

to the House of Blues. I know I'm in town Sunday I'm on vacation so I'm definitely coming that's not legally binding you don't have to show up quickly I got Montreal, Providence Northampton a lot of shit here

Albany, Burlington Bethlehem, York. Bethlehem? Yeah. Phoenix. And we're adding Chicago and New York. So look at New York on sale November 4th. So look at Chicago in late December.

So that just got added. Nice. And lots of other shit. Samoreal.com. Cleveland, Pittsburgh. Yeah, we're rocking. I can't read any of that, but I'm coming all over your wife's face here. It's going to get crazy.

Got Davenport July 29th. Oklahoma. Oh, boy. Davenport. Oh, you doing? Oh, yeah. Pabst Theater. What is that?

The Ace Hotel. Who's doing your- Balboa Theater. Who's doing your tour? Outback. Outback. You're goddamn right Outback is doing doing your tour? Outback. Outback. You're goddamn right Outback is doing your fucking tour. Hell yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Suck it, Live Nation. All right. Just kidding. All right, we'll see you. We might be drunk. Check out Ali's. I'm Bodega Cat, too.

Get some Bodega Cat. We'll see you all in hell. Check out Ali's all specials on YouTube. Sit down when you pee, bitches. Yeah. Hell yeah. talking shit about the fucking punk, and I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like the cops are coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous.

I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans, this woman doesn't look like I remember her, and I get down in the same way. And I get down in the same way We might be true