We Might Be Drunk - Ep 145: Podcast Crashers - Joe List & Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

We thought this was going to be a guest free episode but Joe List happened to be recording in the studio and he popped in to say hi. Ari Shaffir also drops in, but he forgot something. Great episode, a mix of no guest and double drop in, enjoy the show! Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Joe List: https://www.comedianjoelist.com/ Ari Shaffir: https://www.arishaffir.com/ Support the show & get 20% off &; free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com with promo code DRUNK Head to https://www.tryfum.com and use promo code DRUNK to save an additional 10% off on your order New customers can get $200 in bonus bets instantly We Might Be Drunk DraftKings September 17 Code WMBD when you bet just 5 bucks on any NFL game. Download the DraftKings app & use code WMBD Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD!

I'm on Jonah Hill's side, by the way. I mean, I think that's how we're starting the episode. I think he's a cleef. He's like, I have boundaries. I would never hang out with a guy like that, but you would hang out with him. Shut up. You wouldn't hang out with Jonah Hill. Wow.

You hang out with Matt Ruby. I wouldn't date him. Come on. Ruby's got some bad hats. I wouldn't hang out with Matt Ruby I wouldn't date him Come on Alright, Ruby's got some bad hats I wouldn't hang out with him I mean, I'd hang out with him But I wouldn't be in a relationship with him I mean, look at this

He's dressing like his girlfriend Got long hair I don't know, the whole thing sucks Yeah, but I bet he's, you know I'm sure he's fine I bet he's on drugs or something To be that thin now I hope he's alright

The drugs I like Now we're getting somewhere Great comic actor Is there a better Great comic actor comic is there like in the last like 10 years a better comic actor yes in like big screen movies well what about will ferrell in the last 10 years will ferrell's run he's great but his run is like the early aughts i see i mean that run of like talladega elf yeah uh old anchororman, Old School, Step Brothers. That was like the other guys. I feel like that was all the early aughts to like around 2010 or something.

What do we have? We have Wolf of Wall Street. He's funny. Oh, he kills that. 21 and 22 Jump Street cured anti-Semitism. Yes, that's right. Kanye loves him. So I'm all for the acting.

I'm all for the funny. But the texts were just, like, cringey to me. It's all, look, no one should. But you don't want to see my text with my lady, too. That's weird as well. Exactly. No one should, no one's text should see the light of day. I feel like.

No. Unless, you know, I mean, I don't know. Once you're in a relationship, I feel like that's a weird, out of out of context text like what he wrote isn't great obviously but also text we got something context yeah okay con comic-con but it's con artist all right thanks for that that was helpful trying to get somewhere he's like wordplay let me see what i can do here chili con queso all right no it's whatever this is a dated story anywhere we're talking about but i think you don't leak text that that's a that's a violation of trust you put it public i mean that she should be in trouble for that as well this wasn't this wasn't a mel gibson voicemail yes exactly this was i don't

like well it's like guess what if you don't like that you don't have to date the person and she doesn't have to date you it's just weird i guess to date a surfer and not want her to post a swimsuit photos right well that that was crazy i think he's just like hey don't show your ass and people are like but she's in a swimsuit all day long he's like i know but if she's at the club showing her ass it's a little different i don't know i would never text my lady that it's all weird but i just hate how we can't have two bad people everything is so absolute he's the bad guy she's the bad guy no they both suck two things can be true yeah i think also the timing was a little questionable like it did it did come off like she's maybe not over him yeah like bitter like he moved on has a family was Didn't they just have a baby? She didn't like that.

So I think sometimes maybe that you're like, well, he's not good. It's tough when it's a famous person you date because the public perception is so positive. So that's probably hard to process a breakup when you have all these negative feelings. Of course, of course. But it doesn't excuse the. Not at all. I'm saying I'm trying to understand. Yeah, yeah.

It's good to understand. But he sucks she sucks they all suck they deserve it i like him i like jonah hill i like him too i'm trying to make it look like i'm less attacking the ladies because they're allowed to attack men without any uh repercussion but if you attack a lady you have all these consolations social media went back there are two sides they're okay defenders i don't think good but, you know, that's what happens when you bring the flames on someone. Some of the flames are going to come back on you. You got that right.

There's something really annoying about Twitter now. I feel like when it started, it was just jokes and wordplay and dead baby jokes and rape jokes. And now it's literally – now it's it's people the minute people realized outrage was currency on twitter yeah yeah outrage performs like i don't know how many percent better but way more it's like well that's what it all became it just it went from like everyone being like boom to like yeah yeah i'm like well that's a shitty place to be you wouldn't want to hang out with that person but then all day you're just like crying crying wow wow okay yeah i completely agree but we do it with everything you know you go oh that did you hear what trump said it was so funny oh you're all right now i'm like it was a

funny line i don't know i still think he's a psycho it's a funny why can't then we have nuance you know and that's that's what this does like he's a piece of shit he's a woman hater he's a misogynist like he's texting his girlfriend i don't know and no one knows come on that's why that's why you usually solve it with each other but that's when someone's famous true people become obsessive with this shit they become careful with your text now like anything you write like i'm gonna write something i'm but no all n word no no i mean uh that was just I mean, if you look, it's just my wife showing me her clam. It's a tit shot. It's me.

Is this joke funny? She's like, this is appalling. You know, it's wild. Our text chain is wild. And if she ever leaked it, I'd be crushed just because it's like a... It's a violation of what we have. That's going to be one hell of a divorce. Oh, the fucking...

When that comes out in the courtroom. Cut to Mark ripping hell of a divorce. Oh, the fucking eh, eh, eh. When that comes out in the courtroom. Cut to Mark ripping up the prenup. All right, take it. Take everything. Please. Just don't release those.

No, yeah, I've definitely, look, we've all written shit we're not proud of in a relationship. Let's, come on. That's what Texas is for. Both sides. Come on.

There's bad people on both sides. Hear, hear. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, so, I forgot our original point, but. Yeah, it's tough when it's a situation like this that probably did have nuance. Yes.

As opposed to like a Chris Brown situation where she's just covered in bruises and you're like, okay, pretty much open and shut case right here. I don't know what she say. That's true. That is true. We didn't get to the bottom of that.

Yeah, no, I agree. I'm with you with you on that yeah she couldn't even open one eye yeah and uh people still go on his shows so let's let's be a little easier on old uh hill dog there you go all right and then was that oh lizzo is how we got started on this oh we were talking off camera about lizzo yeah yeah i was telling my wife i was like why am I delighting in this cancellation so much? Because I hate cancellation. But I was like, what is it that I like? And she was like, well, you know, you don't like fat people. And I was like, it can't just be that. It's got to be more than that. And I think I figured it out last night. And I think it's that, you know, she's up on Mount Pius and people put her up there.

It's the only mountain she's hiked. I thought she was the mountain. All right. And she's up there with like inclusion and like diversity and body positivity and everything. And then like if you don't go along with that sermon, then you're the bigot. Right. And you're the asshole. Right.

And you're the bully. Meanwhile, the whole time she was the asshole. There you go. She was the bully and making me feel bad about it. Yeah, yeah, of course. But this is how it goes. This shit can't last because humans are human and we're all flawed.

No one's perfect. We think because you point a finger at one guy, now you're off the hook. But you're still a piece of shit too. It's like when I do a dark joke, people go, you're an asshole. I'm like, you've never had a dark thought? I just said mine out loud.

Yeah. Am I really the only psycho in America? No. also yeah i mean it's madness but also with liz i mean i remember talking to a comic once who had this big new york times write-up saying what a genius he was and i called him i was like man that's so cool and he was like i fucking hate it because he's like that's when they come for you oh that's when they'll start calling me a hack as he was what he was saying he's, when they lift me up like this. He's not wrong. He's not wrong.

I mean, people love to lift people up. Not Lizzo. But no, they do love to lift her up and talk about, you know, it also is the same people that lift her up that are the ones bringing her down right now. That's how it goes. It's going to come for you. This shit comes for you. So stop coming for others you cunts well she is an interesting one because she you're right she's like a body positivity thing and there's this weird thing now where

like the liberals are obsessed with body positivity and sure it's good to accept yourself that's good but at the same time now you see articles i forgot which publication it was, but they were like, why is the far right so obsessed with fitness? I'm like, health is a partisan issue now? Why can't – there's a lot to go after the far right for. You're going after exercise? I know. Again, with the absolutes. It's all or nothing.

If you're healthy, you're all right. If you're fat, you're liberal. It's so stupid. There's nuance. Some people are chubby like you. You know, you're a centrist. Okay, but you're not even that chubby. Sorry.

I couldn't go to Matt. But, you know, it's these absolutes. You know, you got to go all the way here. This is alt-right. So this must be white is bad. Black is good. That's so stupid. And it's childish and it's ignorant.

And we got to have this actor because he's uh chinese they're like what that's a little offensive none of it makes sense it's all gonna come crumbling down and i can't wait for it and i'm not gonna forget who pointed fingers yeah man well uh it's uh it's also just like it's funny how quickly you see the fatigue of the mob where where they go from jonah and then it's like, give it a new cycle. Right, right. And then they find the next one. And by the time this podcast comes out, it'll be a new person. It won't be Lizzo anymore.

And people will forgive her and she'll, you know, she won't make her new dancers walk to Brooklyn to get a slice of cheesecake. I think that was the accusation. Somebody needs to be walking. But also, this is where I get in trouble. Sorry, everybody. Get ready to hit the edit button. But everybody preaches compassion, and hey, you call somebody trans or whatever, and they go, hey, that's insensitive, blah, blah, blah.

You know what else is insensitive? Trying to ruin someone's life and take their livelihood away and smear their name and ruin their reputation that's insanely i'd rather be called a a hack or a homo or whatever come at me with the insults it's fine that that's fine but if you try to ruin someone's life because they're a sexist or racist or whatever and you don't even know the facts that's shitty too what's interesting is what mark is saying is uh please translate well yeah first off no one's offended by being called trans that was the first part yeah yeah but like i know you mean like transmission fluid that's offensive yeah a man's mission fluid no but uh i know you mean where it's like as kids we were taught to use our words right and oh good point and now words have taken on like another level with

social media and like how much you're gonna you settle things with your words that was like you're like mom i didn't fight i settled things my words and she's like good job okay you grow up how do you settle things i smeared someone and ruined their life. Right. Well, those were words. Right. You know what I mean? I think about this, too. I was trying to do a bit about this last night about how Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg want to fight

and how it's so childish that these two billionaires just want to fight each other. But then they're like, it's for charity. And everyone's like, all right, it is for the veterans, I guess. And I was thinking how long before kids catch on to this, they're just wailing on a kid outside the classroom and the teachers try to break it up. They're like, this is for St. Jude's Children's Hospital. We're trying to raise money here. But it's like, it is interesting to me that like, you know, words, that's what we were

taught, but there wasn't like guidance. It's kind of like being told you can be whatever you want. There weren't like guidelines. They're like, use your words. But words, sticks and stones. Sticks and stones. Everybody knew that. Right?

Limerick. Yeah. It's not good. And then the worst part is they use the, under the guise of, hey, let's call this guy a racist. And then we can fuck him over. And we won't be in trouble, even though we're lying about what he did. We won't be in trouble because we're stopping racism. So now you're using an important movement for your own personal gain,

which is doubly shitty. You get mad at a guy making a black guy joke, but now you're using this cause just to get rid of a guy. It is all about them. That is way worse than the black joke originally and they know it but it's but it all it began when outrage became currency it began when we started rewarding you know people going look at this when that started getting 200 retweets each time or more you know going viral uh when, yeah, that's when it was.

Exactly. And what I don't get is like when Amber Heard says Johnny Depp beat her up and then it proves in court that she hired a makeup artist. She hired a bunch of people to lie for. He never did it. He had to go through hell and pay millions of dollars in legal fees and be publicly shamed and all this shit. And then it comes out that she lied. Why aren't the women coming after her? Hey, look at this twat lying.

That hurts the movement too. So get mad at her. Yeah, then I went to see his band and it felt like an assault on my ears. So it's, you know. Woo. But yeah, you see my point. Would you still hit it though, Amber Heard? Of course.

Yeah, me too. I'd hit her. Joking. But yeah, I don. I'd hit her. Joking. But yeah, I don't know. It's all a bummer, and I think the fatigue is real, and I think we're going to look back on these times and go, ooh, that was wild. Because you know, you ever see Game of Thrones? I never watched it, actually.

It's not my cup either, but I watched it during the pandemic. I heard it's good. It's good. It's well done. It's got something for everybody. But I hate dragons and all that. So there's one scene where the big queen, she's like a hot blonde lady, rich, powerful queen of the whole land.

She basically gets canceled. They find out she did something wrong. She has to walk through the town naked and everybody's throwing tomatoes at her. It's kind of like the stocks. Remember the stocks? Yeah. And people are throwing shit on her and jizz on her and all this stuff. And the truth, they really did.

You saw it. Yeah. And it's basically her getting canceled. And you're like, you guys think you're high and mighty because she fucked up. But you're throwing jizz on a lady. And that's the same shit. You're just getting off on throwing shit on a person. And it's not because of justice.

You're just excited about, oh, we get to fuck over the queen. I'm a peasant. And we get to fuck over the queen. I'm a peasant, and now I'm fucking over the queen. It's misplaced rage. Yes! You're not working on stuff. Translate. I need you here, because otherwise I just sound like a fucking weirdo on a lawn.

No, I mean, we see it all the time. You see it in the street in New York. You just see misplaced. Like someone just snaps at someone on the subway, and you're like, that wasn her yeah you know what i mean but we but that's everywhere but people do it way more yes behind the keyboard with jonah hill like that wasn't that those releasing the tweets wasn't about the tweets it was like let's fuck this guy it's cowardly to do that to somebody when you know there's going to be no repercussions for you and that's like a scenario where that happens the tweeting where you know they never going to be no repercussions for you. And that's like a scenario where that happens. The tweeting.

You know, they never go back at that person. Well, let's look into this person's life. Right. Because so often those people have skeletons. Of course. We've talked about this shit before. But, you know, I got to tell you. Did I send you?

Oh, you got the clip? We can't show this, though, can we? HBO. Don't show it. People know what I'm talking about. That's the queen. They shaved her head like that. That's literally poo throwing at her she's crying so i would rather go through this than get shit online this is it ends you know and the shit online what happens

to her afterwards does she just go back to being queen or is it i think she does actually now she has to face parliament or whatever the hell but it's a hell of a scene, and it's worth a watch. I heard I should watch it. It's well done. J-R-R, hard R, Tolkien. I think that's it, yeah. Why is it? Tolkien is the Lord of the Rings.

Oh, Martin. Martin. I think there's a couple R's in there. George R. Martin. There's an R. All right. R. What are we, pirates?

All right. But check it out. It's pretty good. People liked it. George R. Martin. There's an R. Alright. What are we, pirates? Alright. But check it out. It's pretty good. Alright, we got that out. I had a day, man. I got here like 30 minutes early because of the damn construction in my building. I shit you not, I think I sent you a clip of what this looks like. This has been 10 months. It is taking all

the strength I have not to write very bad words to building management look at this this is outside my window play it oh geez you got the blue tarp going like katrina oh my lord that's my window it's been almost a year this is this is comical i didn't know it was this bad it's insane i mean this is like uh the malaysian miners trying to get out of the mountain here. This is crazy. Oh, my God. I can feel the vibration. Dude, my apartment is vibrating.

And here's the best part. They're doing it on all sides of my apartment. So there's no room I can go in to get away. So I just can't be. So this is the best part. I go outside today to just get it. I'm like, all right, let me just get out. The plumber stood me up today.

I had a great thing the plumber's supposed to come by and it's such a new york story already the plumber stands me up you got ghosted by a plumber well here's the best part my building's like this is who we use so you should use them because they know the building i was like all right fine so i i swear to god i looked them up the review we can look up the reviews it's like 30 straight one star reviews literally everyone is like you know they did a bad in my plumbing the next one's like 30 straight one-star reviews literally everyone is like you know they did a bad job my plumbing the next one's like they raped my mother i'm like this is a bad plumber apparently but that's my choice i guess so they stand me up i call i was like you're supposed to be here they're

like nope and i was like nope wow nope and she goes you never confirmed and i was like the guy said yeah we'll be here monday at nine Yeah. And she goes, you have to confirm. I'm like, he didn't say anything about confirming. He said I'm in the books. And they were like, sorry. Oh, wow. I was like, all right, whatever. So I go out.

I take a walk to get out of this noise. This is bananas. Oh, and they keep telling me it's going to end. Yeah, no. People are listening to this, Matt. Jesus Christ. I'm telling you how insufferable it is and he's like let me play it for a fourth time here this is like

oppenheimer at imax that was not as loud as this oh my god it's awful it's like robotics so then so then i uh we're gonna get comments like shut the fuck up uh so i go outside to get a coffee i'm like i'll just chill for a minute you know. And immediately a crazy guy walks up to a woman. And he's just like, he clearly tweaked out. I've seen him in the neighborhood before. He is not improved since I've seen him last. Goes up to a woman with a little dog. He goes, fuck you.

Fuck your shitty dog. And she's like a pretty cool New York girl where she's kind of just like rolling her eyes. But he's in her face. So I like walk up next to her just to make sure, you know, like he doesn't swing on her or something. Sure. So we just kind of walk up and I'm like, this is crazy. Then he walks up to some other guy and he goes, fuck you. Fuck your mother.

And I'm like, this dude is a lot. All right. So I'm like, all right, whatever. He kind of walks away. Same spot. Something about the spot. I mean, I guess another guy walks up to me. He does a thing

where he's like goes at someone he goes buy my book what there's no pitch we don't know what the book's about i don't know the same guy no different guy oh i'd rather than the fuck you guy then buy my book no this guy i don't think the other guy is published uh but he just goes up buy my book and everyone's just like i'm sorry and he's like buy my book and i could tell he's coming to me so i you know i i turn my chair i put my hat down and i have my noise canceling headphones on you know clearly inviting a conversation he comes over to me goes buy my book and i'm just like i'm i'm good and he goes fucker damn i don't i don't know the path to be an author i don't think this is it uh that wasn't r to Tolkien? Jesus. Wow.

So that's why I'm here early today. I was like, you know what? Let me just get out of the neighborhood. And I'm in a good neighborhood. It's like a great neighborhood for a crazy person. Yes. That book guy's a bit. Maybe.

Buy my book, yeah. It's like the Jay Sherman thing. Buy my book. Remember that? Yeah. Wow. You got to go on Amazon and leave a review about that guy. Oh, my God.

No, dude. It was a morning. But I'm like, also, it's like, you know, in New York, you're used to that. But you're just, it's like that comic book. Yo, you got it? Fine, my fucker. The best shit. The most underrated.

If you think of one show that got prematurely canceled, it's all day. Oh, the best. The best. And a smart show. The references, they go back to like Orson Welles and, you know, fucking Citizen Kane and all that shit. But wow. Buy my book.

Oh, it's brutal. Brutal. But I'm so happy to be here. I was like, I can't wait for this pod today because holy shit. Man. Well, yeah. Get it all out. This is New York.

It's so funny. I had the opposite night. I had a tough fly, a tough flight connection. Barely made it from Des New York. It's so funny. I had the opposite night. I had a tough flight connection, barely made it from Des Moines. It was a whole thing. Finally made it home. You hit wall-to-wall traffic. There's a tanker truck flipped over on the I-9 or whatever, so you've got to take the back road from Newark.

Brutal. Took me like an hour and a half to get home from the airport. Finally get there, and I made a cocktail and put it in starbucks cup just so i wouldn't look like a weirdo and i just the ladies out of town i said let me walk around the city i walked around uh the village this last night last night beautiful night it was crisp air every restaurant was full i'm walking down perry charles bleaker just glasses clinking people laughing good looking people everywhere went down to the water had a great time cut to buy my book that is a nice thing that's that's a good wreck is to take put a little drink in a different container take a stroll oh yeah i had

music going it was great can you tell us about that night where you had something to think about and you just went out for a walk? And you sat on a bench in Manhattan tomorrow? Oh, yeah, sure. So I was having some problems with the lady, you know, marital strife. It's tough, right? It's tough. We had a blowout for all blowouts. Like, blowout plates thrown.

I'm sure the neighbors called the cops. Like, just, ah just and everything came out everything this is what i hate about you i killed 11 year building with that noise that's nothing compared to this yeah oh yeah oh god that is wild it's like darth vader coming i don't know what that is it's it's too much um but uh so we just had it out and it was like too much was said, like too much honesty. And so I think it's a men and women thing where she's like, all right, let's talk. And I said, I'm leaving. I got to take a walk.

And here's a weird thing. I walked outside. I'm on 6th Avenue. It's like 4 in the morning. We've been fighting for hours. You know one of those where it's like you change rooms fighting, you know, like we're in the bed and we're in the couch and we're in the kitchen. Three rooms. That's it. Okay, well, that's new york it's like glue i called her a cunt in the kitchen with the with the the fucking butter knife so

so then uh i'm sitting on a park bench just like headphones in looking at a phone you know you still got that fucking energy going your adrenaline's running from all the fighting and i'm sitting on a park bench now the bars are coming out it's 4 0 10 4 0 5 in the morning and all these drunk gals and the village is like full of beautiful women it's like smoke shows and i'm sitting on a bench i'm doing ac slater style i'm up on the top bench with the feet on the on the foot on the butt part and all these women are like going up to me they're all drunk and they're going home and they're probably mad they didn't get laid and they're going like what's up with you why are you all alone now they're sitting next to me and i'm like god my whole 20s i was like trying to get laid going to the gym pick up lines uh swipe it on tinder i just sit on a park

bench i felt like a like a like a worm on a hook and i think they recognize you no recognize and they're all like hey big boy you boy. And I was the meat. I was the victim. There would be like a pack of five of them. And they'd be like, what's your story? Why are you sitting here? I wish I knew this 10 years ago. I would have cleaned it up.

You're about to inspire a ton of creepy listeners right now. Yeah, maybe you're right. Just hang in Central Park, dude. It's a good thing his marriage is almost over. He found his cheat code. Well, it kind of like lightened my spirits was like well this is very flattering as a guy i was like this is awesome like so many women are paying attention to me and talking to me and these are like really pretty ladies and i

think the fact that i was not hitting on them i'm just minding my own business sitting on a bench you know not bothering anybody yeah what is wrong with these women that they walk up to a dude sitting on a bark bench alone at 4 a.m.? Like this dude has his shit together. That's amazing. Well, I was up on the top part. I look cool. And I don't know what it was.

I think it's the village. I don't know. A white privilege. Who knows what it is. But like a couple of bachelorette parties walk by and they're all hopped up on estrogen. They're like, hey, dickless or whatever. And it was the easiest pickup my life. And I had to be like, I'm fighting with my wife. And they're all like, oh, dickless or whatever. And it was the easiest pickup in my life. And I had to be like, I'm fighting with my wife.

And they were all like, oh, why are you guys fighting? They were stroking my leg and shit. I'm like, oh, my God. So I went back and we worked it all out. We've never been better in the relationship. Damn. It's like a reset. It's a reset.

Yeah. And I think that's where the TWA thing came in. Because she was like like i got to do more things for him you know all that shit which is like yeah they don't really know me that well but you know uh it was a very nice gesture but um next time in the city so then she was out of town i went and got flowers i put them in a vase and then she came home to that i put a little note with all this shit so we're back baby but it sometimes it takes a real clean slate to start fresh yeah i guess sometimes when you're just holding shit in it's relationships are so tough man i told him it's like godfather when they're like you know

every 10 years so we have to have a bloodbath just to clear the air exactly i was like even though we don't need the family war we do it yeah yeah the makeup sex was wild and raunchy and long and nasty i count i was like wow we did six positions that's pretty good for a married couple yeah and only three rooms to a room yeah so uh very good but also just tip for the men out there ditch your friends get a cocktail in a starbucks cup sit on a bench on the top you're home free it's your spot that's pretty good that's the weird thing where you have to like catch up just so you're not a creep what do you mean with alcohol like they're drunker than you you're like fuck bartender five shots you just down them all you're like all right perfect right right let's get out

of here now it's legal all right i thought saying fighting with my wife would you know push brush them off a little but they were like, oh, about what? Now they know more about me. That actually helped. You're non-threatening. Now a woman has already chosen you. I guess so. I told one girl I was gay, and she was like, oh, I could flip you or whatever.

And I was like, damn, this is fucking fish in a barrel here. Well, we had a friend. We knew a guy who was very gay, but he fucked women. We had a friend, we knew a guy who was like very gay, but he fucked women. And yeah, I mean, he was like clearly gay, but he was like the biggest cock block you've ever met. Like on a level where you're like, dude, what are you? Are you even enjoying ruining my night? You're more cock breath. You know, cock block.

But yeah, it was mud. Oh, dude, he would swoop in and like hug them and they'd be like, aw. And then he'd like kiss their cheek. Before you know it, he's making out in and hug them, and they'd be like, aw. And then he'd kiss their cheek. Before you know it, he's making out with them, and you're like, I was talking to her. I know, I know. And you think, well, I'm not threatened. He's super gay. I'm fine.

But then he would slip in. Speaking of, I got a peeve. It was not Andy Dick. Okay. Andy Dick's funny. All right. now okay and he looks funny all right i uh i had a guy say to me the other night he goes uh so i saw you uh i saw you the other night on the street and say hi because you were on a date but you were you know licking an ice cream cone looking like a homo that's quite for number one

uh i was on a date with a woman number two two, you know, how homophobic are you that you have deprived yourself ice cream because it's gay? And number three, it was sorbet, so he would think I was even gayer if he knew that. But it's so funny to me that you're like, you're that homophobic that you're like, you can't have dessert. Like the dude who's just out to dinner and they're like, we have a lovely tiramisu. And he's like, nice try, buddy. I'm not biting yeah wow man he had to zing you somehow because like you're obviously doing well you got a hot lady here with you he had to get in somewhere with the ice cream cone i guess was it just a funny it's like it's like a 60s insult or something we're like ice cream i can't have ice

cream my buddy he's uh he's a black black guy, and black guys are very macho. And my friend was eating a banana. And he was like, I had to throw away the banana because I was walking down the street, and I couldn't have another black guy see me eat a banana. And I was like, man. That's hilarious. That sucks. I eat bananas all the time, but I've never worried like, uh-oh, I'm a big gay out here.

I think they're the number one purchase thing at Walmart is bananas. Really? Oh, really? People fucking love bananas. People love bananas. They're a quarter on the, what do you call it, fruit stands. Yeah. I get them every day.

You know the number one mover of orange juice is the Waffle House? That makes sense. They sell more orange juice than anyone else in the country. That makes sense. More than Walmart. And by the way, orange juice is horrible for you. It's the same amount as a Coca-Cola. But as a kid, we thought it was healthy.

You thought it was healthy. You thought it was healthy. They pitched you this healthy. Fruit drink. All you have to do is pitch something. I mean, like, think about it. Like, kind bars. They pitch, like, it's like drizzled in chocolate. Yes, yes.

Oh, yeah, I'll be healthy today. I'll have a kind bar. They got sued, by the way. Somebody sued them. They were like, this is not healthy at all. I did all the numbers and they, they, he won. Yeah, it's pretty, it is funny to me that like eating an ice cream cone is like the i feel like sweets you're like called gay and you're licking it too which is

tough that's what you do with a pussy you don't really lick it i guess you could lick the tip of a dick but you lick a pussy you don't lick it you got a point they should make pussy flavored ice cream now you're not good now you're going out of business. Well, they got breast milk. They got a couple other weird ones. How about pussy? I feel like it would be like a gourmet place. Yeah. Gwyneth Paltrow's got a vagina candle. Oh, yeah.

Good point. Pinkberry. Get on it. They call it stinkberry. Stinkberry. And then put a cherry on top. Now you're popping cherries. All right.

We're having too much fun. I don't know if it's a good flavor for ice cream, but I'd be curious. I've tried weird. They made the mac and cheese. That's true. They got all kinds of weird flavors. But if it's pussy flavored, you find a hair in it. That makes sense.

Now we got something. We got a pube. Yeah. I always say Brazilian restaurants should have no pubes in it okay like a brazilian steakhouse all right tweet it i love those love those steakhouses oh you flip the thing over for more meat it's just the most savage that's what i picture this guy eating who called me that yeah like that's all he eats is steak right never has any treats ever but yeah no there's brazilian steakhouses were like fuck dude when they pull over it's a garlic steak ribeye and like the chicken hearts those that's the one where i'm like that's a little

we're eating little hearts yeah that's how it's like the hands of a dwarf but yeah that place you flip the thing over. Gay Bar should have that. Like, hey, I flipped this over. I'm ready for another sausage, you know? Bring it on. I'm ready. I'm not full yet. But yeah, that's crazy.

That's a good peeve. You feel like shit, though, after those steakhouses. Oh, every time. I did it before a show in Pittsburgh. It was me, J.P. McDade, and James Webb. And that was the only thing open. It was like right after, you know, downtowns were kind of hit hard after COVID.

Oh, yeah. We were playing Pittsburgh Improv. And I was like, fuck it, let's go to a steakhouse. And, dude, when I tell you we had like the meat sweats on stage, it's like you feel like shit. You feel dumber. You feel dumber, yeah. You feel heavy, slow.

But you can't stop eating it. If somebody has a sword at your table and he's got a fucking pitchfork, you just got to say, I'll take it. I'll take it. When's the next time I see a chicken heart? I know. You got to. You got to do it. Yeah.

Good peeve. Here's a peeve for you. And this is a nice guy. I hope he never hears this because it's a little annoying thing he does. This is the hardest one is doing the pee for the people you know. He might listen. Sweet guy. We're all hanging out.

He's not a comic, so it's already a little weird because he's there. No offense. But he's in a group of comics. We're all busting balls, telling jokes, laughing, telling crazy stories. And he was chiming in. He would go, it's funny you say that like if you go uh i went to a brazilian steakhouse how funny you say that my buddy's brazilian and he would tell this long story about his buddy and you're like it's not the greatest story but he has

that perfect way in because he goes that's funny you say that and you're like no no no like now every time he said it's funny you say that i go don't do it don't do it we don't want the story my mom was eating a pop tart funny you say that you know uh pop tarts are made in in ohio i knew a guy from ohio once you're like god it's almost impressive the way he could hopscotch over to a thing that he knows about funny you say that the guy with the perfect in yes but never has an out no out no out I hate those guys. No, no. I've had a guy like that once where like,

they'll just hit you with, like they make, they'll interrupt a conversation you're having with like small talk. Yes. We were having like a meaningful conversation. They jump in.

They're like, hey, it's hot today. Right. I was having like a serious conversation here. But I think in his mind, he's like, I don't want to be rude

and sit here quietly. I'll join in. These guys want me to join in. We're like, we don't want you to join in. You can rude and sit here quietly i'll join in these guys want me to join in we're like we don't wait to join in you could laugh and sit there quietly we'd have no problems with that but we'll just be more selective yeah it's tough that's a tough and a nice guy but the stories they just went nowhere never-ending stories are tough it's funny you say that there's a movie called never-ending stories i saw in the theater in 1981 and you're like it is a it is an annoying it's a great end though funny you say that and because you're gonna go oh what what's funny about it and then here we

are nothing's funny about it nothing and he got us every time and it's a little rude to say it's funny you say that because it's not funny it's not funny i say that we're not laughing no funny the you lose the edit button as you get older too yeah with the stories oh damn yeah yeah it's it can get tough yeah it was tough and he's also one of these guys and he makes where he's from his whole personality you know he's from boston so he's like you know i'm from boston so uh and he's got the thick accent and he's like i'm from boston so you know we would uh we would really drink hard. I'm like, we all drank hard.

We all had a, I drink hard every night. I got a podcast about drinking. Like, you can't just bring it all back to Boston, you know? Or like, you know, I'm from San Francisco. So I know about seafood. You're like, I know about seafood too. You can't. Nobody cares where you're from.

We care where you're from, but you can't just make it your whole world. Yeah, fuck. Like, you're a New York guy, but you're from and you know we care where you're from but you can't just make it a your whole world yeah fuck like you're a new york guy but you're not like so let me just tell you about the subway yeah let me explain pizza to you yeah yes we've had pizza you're brooklyn you know you know how many people make brooklyn their whole thing yeah i'm from brooklyn brooklyn what what all this shit you're like all right just talk to me yeah you've never brought up brooklyn no i don't bring it up i love that funny thing uh do you actually hate it more when people are like that's funny i hate that oh when you say something's actually funny and they're like it's literally like if you were fucking someone they were like i'm coming it's the same energy it's the worst it's like you laugh you do a yeah the one where you're like they're like hmm yeah

you're like what what are you doing send me a text hot instead that's ha is for like kind of like in a text it's for like oh that's weird yeah it's not for a joke yeah yeah and i think with comics it's a little different like you'll be like is this anything i'm like oh that's funny. That's a little different. No, I'm talking about in person. That's different. Because you want the laugh from the person. Right, right.

That's funny. No, no, no. Comics do that. I also am thinking about the guy you're telling this story to. Comedians are the worst listeners on the planet. That's also true. It's funny that we all podcast now because we are the worst. I used to say the only time comedians ask about another person is doing crowd work.

Because we don't do that. I mean, we don't ask about people. There we go. Both of you. But, no, we're just terrible fucking listeners. So, if you don't edit your story properly and have an out, we're sitting there like, dude, come on. I know. And especially if you're going to take the floor.

All right, we're giving you the floor here. You better deliver you know and I had to tell him after the 12th story I was like no more stories I just said too many stories not another story and he was like I know I know I tell a lot of them what's funny about that is

come on he would literally be like oh we got so drunk this guy puked everywhere and that was like the big button you're like but we don't know those people I don't care that he puked I've drunk, this guy puked everywhere. And that was like the big button. You're like, but we don't know those people. I don't care that he puked. I've seen puke. Everybody pukes. I don't know.

You had to be there? Long stories? Yeah. So terrible. Yeah. Crazy. I had other peeves. Let me see what I wrote down.

Well, let me just say this. I've started my theater tour. We did my first two theaters. And it's a dream. Tell us. Well, I did Milwaukee. It's this beautiful theater, ornate, sold out. Which one do you do?

Pabst. That's legendary. Legendary. Fonzie's outside, a big gold Fonzie. It's right on the river. Great city, too. Underrated. Great city.

Never saw it in the summer, either. It's like seeing a woman with makeup. You're like, damn, you clean up nice. I've only seen you in know in the the pajamas and the the bags but uh great theater and we had a great time they gave me a tour manager because it's without back so i've never had a tour manager so that's weird so he's like hey it's funny they think you're like a special needs person i'm at the hotel at three i'm like i'm gonna get a nap in do a little writing maybe take a shit and he's like shows at eight we'll get a runner over there at 6 45 we'll drop you off you'll be here at seven

and i said hold on google it theater's an 11 minute walk i said i'll walk it i'll see you there i always walk it yeah and he's like oh six you're gonna walk it you sure what if you get mugged or kidnapped i'm like so what do you think I did before you existed? You know, like, what are we doing here? So I walked over there. I got there like 6.53. He was like, Jesus Christ, what the hell? And you're like, don't worry, man. We got this.

They're used to high-maintenance people. Yes. And we're pretty easy. Also, they forget how many years we did in the clubs. Right. Where it was just sheer incompetence. Like, some of the clubs are great, but then you play a bad club. Oh.

I mean, they'll just forget you at the airport. Yes, yes. They're just like, you didn't send anyone? How many times you showed up at the club and you're like, hey, I'm the headliner. They're like, well, we don't know you. And you're like, I'm the guy on the marquee. And they're like, I don't know that. You went to a club and they're like, can you do the bathroom?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That was actually in a bit. Yeah. True story. and they're like can you do the bathroom oh yeah yeah that was actually in a bit yeah true story i was in a club uh in myrtle beach and uh the woman was like uh can you can you do the uh urinal cakes in the bathroom and i was like i'm the comedian she goes so no not even i'm sorry that's gold she was like so i'm like, yeah, no. That's a no. Yeah, no. True story.

I was like, my face is on the poster. That's great. She was, they didn't really respect comedians there. No. Sometimes they never do. I remember trying to get paid. They were like, oh, just wait right here. We'll come get you.

And I had to, it was like two in the morning. I had to knock on the door. And they're like crunching numbers in there with a bunch of receipts. And waitresses are all waiting to get paid. I had to wait to get paid until like three in the morning and then i had a flight at like seven brutal happened to me at fort myers same same thing yeah you go you just like let me get like three hours of sleep i know and they're just they just have you waiting and you're like is anyone coming yeah you're like i'm the show i was the show and you're scared to leave yes because i've been stiff before exactly so

you're like let me just get a check because Because even if it bounces, at least I have some paper. Right, right. So fucking stupid. The waiter is going to be here tomorrow. I'm never coming back. So pay me first. How about that? But yeah, so it was just so weird.

And he's like, you want food? I'm like, oh, we get food? He's like, we'll get whatever you want. We'll send a runner out. I'm like, a runner? I still don't think the New York clubs pay properly to comedians. What do you mean? I just don't think the New York clubs pay properly to comedians. What do you mean? I just don't think the New York clubs pay properly.

Like if you headline or if you. No, just like spot pay. I think it has been raised and like it's been raised like $10 in 30 years. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. It's a little weird. When you played Rogan's and it was decent, right? That's crazy pay.

Well, Rogan's a comedian. He's a comedian. He gets in. He's a zillionaire. And yeah, and he's. But still, he's making the same amount that the seller's making's a comedian. He gets in. He's a zillionaire. Yeah, and he's basically opening. But still, he's making the same amount that the seller's making in a night, right? Right, but Rogan essentially opened a nonprofit because he just wants to make a good club.

Exactly. Okay. Which is unheard of. So, yeah, great, great time. But these clubs are all making good money. And it doesn't affect guys like Mark or myself at this point as much. But if you're a younger comic that's you're living a fucking day job yeah yeah or or you know you're on the road hard but a lot of those guys aren't

on the road yet the club should all be paying more yeah i never thought about that they really should in new york all of them i got the best compliment i ever got this guy's like i'm doing i'm also the tour manager for this group that that group, that group. And he's like, I just want to go with you because it's so easy with a comedian. I show up. I go, sounds good. Okay. I just talk on the mic for two seconds. And then I go, how about we get Thai food?

I feed everybody and then we go home. It's the best. It's the best. Also, I'll do you one better. I don't even do a sound check. I don't either. I made that up. Well, he knows what

i like he does it you know yeah i just you know how i talk there's how i talk on stage yeah but uh can you hear me great we got it did you do and also veters on before me usually and gary's so low energy that i'm like if the mic's fucked up for him i'll be fine we'll figure it out right right what uh you did milwaukee and iowa milwaukee and des moines milwaukee friday one show des moines one show on saturday and went home on sunday it was amazing that's nice that's a nice weekend uh how was iowa oh dude i was underrated it's just des moines is a badass city it's clean everybody's so friendly it's some of the best looking fat people in america and everything's fried and it's all it's like county fair and corn and fun and just uh beer a lot of beer there it's just a

great time and i walked i walked to the gig and people were honking they're like i'm going to see you it just feels like lighter there feels like there's no jonah hill drama no one's worried about lizzo they're just having fun living life and doing fentanyl no one's worried about lizzo they're just having fun living life and doing fentanyl no one's worried about lizzo they're just eating till they look like it yeah exactly white lizzo is out there yeah i actually have been on the road in a minute because it's like a first stretch uh oh does he want to come in oh hey all right have a make a pop in well what is this seinfeld is kramer's going to slide in? All right.

Tell him. All right. Sorry, I'm not on my phone because I'm a professional, but tell him to pop. All right. All right. But yeah, where were you this weekend? I was here. I was doing seller spots, and it's great.

I mean, it's fun to be home, but it is hard to work on stuff. It's hard to work on stuff. You're following some new people who are just killer. Yeah. Some of their stuff, they're just going bam bam bam and then you go up your first few minutes you got to kill and then they always let you early on the weekend they always do it's like 15 turns into like 12 and you're like it's it's hard to get work done i know and it's a weekend so you kind of feel weird being like let me try try this brand new idea, and I'll work it out. Because they're drunk, and it's date night, and they want to see a show. I don't know.

I feel weird. Working out on a Tuesday feels a lot better for me. Weekends are overrated. I agree. Weekday, everything is better. Yes, yes. And the streets in New York, especially in the village, on a weekend, it's like electric. It's a lot.

It's a lot. Well, yeah, Will, so Vince and I went up. We started fucking around a little bit, and Esty's in the crowd watching us. I'm like, well, now we're not going to go hard. Of course. We're not going to. Like, how hard do you think we're going to push the limits here

when the booker's watching us? That's so backwards that the booker of the club makes you less funny. Isn't that weird? Like, something about it makes you more intimidated, and you can't be yourself, and you can't be loose. There needs to be more experimentation. There's this expectation of the comedy seller to kill. And I think it's like killing is great, but when you're doing three shows a night, you think I'm going to do the same set?

I know. I know. No, it's like I want to explore a little bit. Colin Quinn used to always say like you clubs are architects. I'm not talking about the seller. The seller is to always say like you clubs are architects i'm not talking about the seller the seller's great but clubs in general are architects of their own destruction when they don't let comedians explore like that's the process should be a little ugly occasionally like yeah if i kill for 12 out of 15 minutes those three minutes were new bits and

they'll get there you know exactly but uh yeah that's why i don't like weekends there's like a weird expectation to sunday's like looser you can kind of figure it out yeah totally agree and also people like ah the road i hate the road i'm miserable i'm like i love the road i love the hotel i mean the flight sucks and all that but like what happened okay but you just feel so unhealthy uh though i mean it's the fun i mean the way you're doing the road now is good and that's like luckily i was doing theaters this year too and it was it was easier but it is you realize how unhealthy the road is when you spend like a week straight in new york that's true holy shit i feel good that's true yeah isn't that crazy that's a good point but you pop in pop in get in here crazy? That's a good point. But you pop in and pop out.

Pop in. Get in here. Come in, yeah. Do a little pop in. You know the seat. There we go. Don't lie. You've probably been using your Manscaped ball shaver on that face.

So it's time to pick up that beard hedger. Guilty. I've done it. Guilty. It's a cordless trimmer with a rotary wheel that gives you 20 different hair cutting lengths with one guard. No more messy drawers full of extra add-ons. I use use this i'm literally i have a beard i don't like being clean shaven uh i look like a boy not a fan manscaped is great kevin spacey loves me when i look that way but i don't want to see him anymore this baby has a long last battery universal

charging and a strong motor that will get you the look you want. If you're a clean shaven kind of guy, the Handyman is your ticket for a smooth stubble-free look. Whether you've got that five o'clock shadow or you're working on the Jack Sparrow situation, Manscaped has the tools for you. 20% off free shipping with the code drunk at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com. Use code DRUNK. Hit that refresh button with Manscaped. Oh, yeah.

Hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Fume. When you're trying to quit a bad habit, it can be a tough journey. Your brain freaks out. Your body craves what it used to. It's a lot to handle. Fume has you covered. This innovative device uses flavored air instead of vapor and dangerous chemicals.

So you can keep the habit you love without the harm. Love Fume. It's a cute little doohickey. I love to suck on it, put it in my mouth. It's great. They know what they're doing. And everybody says it's the oral fixation. That's what gets you.

So this covers that. You're good and it's healthier feeling angsty fume thought you might be with movable parts and magnets for fidgeting keep your hands and brain occupied while you transition to a better habit stop stopping is something we all put off because it's hard but switching to fume is easy enjoyable and fun fume is over served over,000 customers and has thousands of success stories, and there's no reason that can't be you. Join Fume in accelerating humanity's breakup from destructive habits by picking up the Journey Pack today. Head to tryfume.com and use code DRUNK to save a whole 10%.

Nice. When you get the journey pack today that's t-r-y-f-u-m dot com and use code drunk to save an additional 10 off your order today trifume.com code drunk the nfl is back baby time for tailgating painting your face and getting some action go g-man draft kings and araftKings, an official sports betting partner of the NFL, has given you a can't-miss offer for week one. New customers can get $200 in bonus bets instantly when you bet just $5 on any NFL game. All customers can snag two new offers every single game day this September,

so download the app and see what you get. Download now and use code WMBD to sign up. New customers can take home $200 in bonus bets instantly just for betting $5. That's code WMBD only on DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. The crown is yours. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit www.1800gambler.net. In New York, call 877-8-HOPE-NY or text HOPE-NY. In Connecticut, help is available for the problem of gambling.

Also, if you're in Connecticut, help is available. Call 888-789-777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly on behalf of Bootothill Casino and Resort. 21 plus age varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. See dkng.co slash football for eligibility. Terms and responsible gambling resources. Bonus bets expire seven days after issuance. Eligibility and deposit restrictions apply.

Cut that part. All right. By the way, can we get a beer, Jew, a CPAP machine? Geez, I heard you breathing from a mile away there. I thought we had to cut your mic. All right. Yank that arm over. Hey, Sal, can I get those cookies?

You whooped two down. I know. I had two this morning, too. I got a problem what are you in the studio for it sounds like we're in prison I'm doing my hit podcast Mindful Metal Jacket

and Ari's coming in oh nice Jesus Farts I had this cue for you walking in it's better than the construction you played 400 times speaking of cookies you know what gets me I go to that lounge and I have to walking in. That's great. It's better than the construction you played 400 times. Oh, my God. Speaking of cookies,

you know what gets me is I go to that lounge and I have to take seven cookies. I have to take them in a napkin. The Delta Lounge? Yeah. Really? There's like a pile of chocolate chip

and now they've upgraded to Rice Krispie Treats. Yeah. Their cookies aren't great, though. The 7-Eleven cookies were better than the Delta Lounge cookies. It's not the best cookie.

It's no... What is it, Aunt Patty? What's that lady? Auntie Ann? Uncle? Auntie Ann? Uncle Tom? That's a pretzel. I don't know an aunt cookie.

Mrs. Field! Yeah! That guy knows his cookie. The old pedophile there. He's putting them out for the kids. Well, something I've talked about with these Delta lounges that bothers me is they don't factor in account for they don't account for just white trash garbage people who fly a lot that's true like they you go in there and they have salmon drizzled with honey quinoa give me a hot dog and some mac and cheese well i've never heard a complaint about healthy food i love that about

it no that's because you come from some class i'm a dog shit i grew up in the woods like an and some mac and cheese. Well, I've never heard a complaint about healthy food. I love that about it. No, that's because you come from some class. I'm a dog shit. I grew up in the woods like an asshole. I want a slice of cheese pizza and some mac and cheese. That's what I hate when your only options are trash. You feel like shit. At the club, you get to the club,

it's only chicken wings and pizza. That's why I want... Can't they do a little of both? Really? They understand everything. That's why I'm coming out with cookies because the trash in me, I'm like, they're falling out of my pockets, you know? I'm like a band's why I'm coming out with cookies, because the trash in me, I'm like, they're falling

out of my pockets, you know? I'm like a bandit. I like the healthy option, but just also have, like school lunch, where I went to school anyways, cheese pizza was always on the menu. Right. Lunch today is salami, sausage, or whatever, but cheese pizza was there if you needed it. It's a good point. Sitting on those heat lamps.

I remember we had a square pizza. No, I... Remember that? Yeah, we had square too. No, I was a big bagel guy. We did a lot of bagels. Toasted bagels.

A little tough. Yeah. You look fantastic. What'd you get, a haircut? What the hell's happening here? You look well kept. You look good. Yeah, you look good.

All right, thanks. You look good. I've been exercising. I'm trying to take care of myself here to take care of myself in the city this weekend so you can kind of decompress oh my god it's like the first time i don't feel like i'm yeah i was just saying the road you don't realize how unhealthy it is till you're actually here for a few days and you're like holy shit can i say though i i hate to sound like a contrarian i feel like i'm healthier on the road really yeah because in ways because on the road it's like it's just me i mean i have a buddy there but i'm like i wake up and there's less to

do less to do i'm like let me let me go to the gym the gym is just right there you're not doing podcasts on the road right like here i'm like i'm running from podcast to podcast or there's a meet up or a hang or whatever or you're just like i'm finally home let me just order some delivery whatever i mean the diet is bad yeah i just on the road i guess we're semi-healthy we try to hoop and stuff but it's just i need a drink yeah i need a drink after the shows and it turns in i don't need a drink yeah i do take it one day at a time it i'm less tempted to drink in the city, weirdly. I'm just like, I can just go home.

You can go home. Yeah. Yeah, you don't have that hotel sadness on the road. I mean, at home. But then I sleep better on the road, for sure. I do, too. That fucking drilling you saw. I think mentally I'm better on the road, because there's no podcast, no city.

This is my apartment every day. Crazy, huh? Oh, my God. I know. Sounds like when I leave my wife at home alone you're okay a lot of vibrating so i sleep better on the road but that's insanity but also the city on the road usually it's a nicer play the city's a train ride it's horrible it's a toilet it's just i mean i'm quit it's elevated train it's homeless it's traffic it's horns honking yeah the small the small space a small

apartment and then with the hotel you can jizz everywhere you don't have to clean it you know you can really make a mess out of it yeah you can eat it on the hotel no one's gonna be like hey put that kick spit that out. Right, right. You can kill a hooker. You can do fentanyl. Whatever it is. Mark, are you still stealing from the airport, you know,

places where you buy food? I do it a little for sport now. Before, I was like, oh, my God, I need these two disgusting hard-boiled eggs that are in a weird liquid or I need this kind bar. You bring hard-boiled eggs

from the lounge on the flight? That's disgusting. Well, I eat them in the line. I don't eat them on the plane. I'm not an animal. But I'm saying I go to Hudson News and I'll sticky finger or maybe like an inquirer or something. Yeah, I get it.

It's very overpriced. It's outrageous. And, you know, you buy the two things and then one is for you how much longer do you think they'll sell magazines at a at an airport i think that's the only place to sell magazines that's my point how much how long do you think they have i mean newspapers are pretty much they feel almost gone yeah it's true yeah newspapers that was a big part of life that printing yeah you know extra extra. That was a big part of life, that printing. Yeah.

You know, X-Tree, X-Tree. When I was a kid, my mom would circle. That's what the kids say. X-Tree, X-Tree. Read all about it. Remember that? Oh, yeah. Isn't it X-Traw? It is X-Traw, but they made it their own.

New York accent, yeah. New York accent. Oh, I don't know it. Pull it up. I don't know X-Tree. Oh, yeah. But my mom would circle garage sales in the classifieds, and that was our big Sunday. I would go with her.

So that trash is deep. Well, I remember I followed a home run chase with Griffey when I was a kid and reading a box score. Yes. And every morning I would go, and the way I would know if somebody homered was the— Great timing with these sound cues, by the way. Sounds like Extra. He's saying, Extra, it says Extra. Hold on. I got to hear Extra. Oh, I Sounds like extra. He's saying extra. It says extra. Hold on.

I got to hear extra. Oh, I heard an E. I heard an E. Excrete. You were saying Ken Griffey Jr. Oh, but you would go, and if he had, if there was a one hit, one run scored, one RBI, you're like, I bet he homered.

Then you would go to the bottom to see a home run. Right. Yeah, yeah. And it was exciting. I mean, it feels like we're from the 30s. It's the best. But you'd scan through there for the box score. The sports page was a big thing.

Not only that, but I remember reading the box office for movies. That was a big thing. Oh, the movies! I was just curious. I'm not Jewish, but still. I didn't need to know how much money the movie made. Oh, you looked at the money? I was curious.

Oh, I would look up the times. Yeah, the times was big.. Oh, you looked at the money? I was curious. Oh, I would look up the times. Yeah, the times was big. I wanted to know what was making money. I was curious. Ah, the money. You wonder how these guys get ahead. He was giving me the benefit of the doubt, too. I was like, oh, yeah, the movies.

Yeah, I didn't know you were going with what they brought in the rake. I was curious. You never did that? I did. I also used to look up what TV show is a top 10 TV show. Yeah. I was curious. You never did that? I did. I also used to look up what TV show is a top 10 TV shows. Yeah. I was curious. Okay.

That was a big thing. It'd be like Frazier signed for. Yeah. Yeah. It was kind of cool. That was fun. They give you a little blurb to Frazier gets in hot water with Roz or whatever, you know,

they give you a little nugget, but they don't do that anymore. I mean, you don't know what ratings are. Have you read your description for Netflix? I hated it. It's not. What do you say?

It's like raunchy. Comments on his wife's stomach or something farting. One says ripping one in front of a loved one. Did you write that? No, of course not. You can get them to run that past you. It says Mark Norman touches

on topics such as ripping one in front of a loved one. From awkward lap dances to intimacy of letting one rip in front of a spouse comedian mark norman rapid fire stand-up special what are you doing they sent me a bad one i think that i i don't know what they say about me but they i turned it down because it was something like they were like i think they opened with samuel talks about porn and i was like i talk about other shit i was was like one joke. I mean, I'm grateful for Netflix. I love Netflix.

But just write like one of the best comedians fucking killer hour. Watch it. There you go. That's it. It's some queef out there. They got the copywriting like a like a 19 year old girl who's head of the social media probably wrote that. Well, AI is going to take over all of us and kill us.

AI could have done better. But yeah. Yeah. Those blurbs are brutal. I mean, Netflix, they're so nervous. that well ai is gonna take over all of us and kill us ai could have done better but yeah yeah those blurbs are brutal i mean netflix they're so nervous like that's pretty clean of a blurb you know like i made a trailer and i sent it to them they're like we're not sure if our audience is gonna get this and i'm like so my audience will but your audience won't get it like what does that mean and then i kept pushing back and eventually they go all right well you say god damn in the trailer. I was like, I'll take it out.

But just tell me that. We went through 12 laps of bullshit to get to that. Yeah, it's like a beginning of a relationship. What do you mean? Well, they just won't tell you how they really feel. Oh, yeah. You have to, like, pull it out of them. No, it's fucking annoying.

But we could have, yeah, could have taken the goddamn out. We would have been on our way in one email. It's like when I did Letterman and they were like, we want you to do your mcdonald's chunk and i was like can i just trash mcdonald's on letterman they're like yeah we love it and then we had like six months of sending them tapes getting the jokes right literally six months they're like ah mcdonald's is a sponsor we can't make fun of them i told you that yeah what is that And no one gets fired, by the way. Well, they're all fired now. The show doesn't exist. Okay.

I asked Chet GPT. Oh, God. Oh, come on. Jesus Christ. Stop it. This is what we're supposed to be rebelling against. I know. What the fuck?

Is it better? You know I'm terrified. No, it's wordy. It is wordy. But embark on a hilariously unfiltered journey into the absurdities of modern life. That's way better. This is way better already. Really?

Oh, this is horrifying. Oh, no. Mark Norman dissects relationships, technology, complexity of being an almost adult in his uproarious Netflix special. Oh, this is tragic. It's called Laughing Matters. This is so much better.

Let's just replace Alec Hughes with Chad GBT. Yeah, you're right, baby. You're done. No, it is amazing. It's G-A-Y. We'll just put a Hawaiian shirt on a laptop and it's a better system. We should do the skeleton like Craig Ferguson. Remember that?

Yeah. There you go. There it is. That's Sally. You're gone. Anal intruder. I remember when I did America's Got Talent. It's weird when they try to get involved in your set where you're like you're not comedians i remember they they

were like do this phone joke you have i'm like it's not gonna work on your show i promise it's like too offensive for your crowd and they were like it's our favorite joke and i'm like i'm not they were like pushing me to do it and finally i was like no and i got eliminated they were probably right but you know but they we know our act we know what does well where and how and who and why i know my alleys hey what's that shirt oh kenny powers eastbound and down oh nice what i never watched it oh my god you never watched it it's one of the funniest shows ever i know i suck i saw talk to me last night i thought it was fantastic what is that it's an australian horror movie that's uh movie. It's like made it here.

Anytime a foreign film makes it here, you know it's pretty good. True. It's true. But Ronan hated it. We got in like a shouting match in the hallway. He hates everything. I don't love scary movies. I like a horror movie.

He hated it. It's pretty fun. But if you haven't seen it, I don't know what we're doing. Was it like a hereditary where you're like oh god or is it a silly goofball no that's what i thought which i like both but um well first of all it's 90 minutes good run time yeah i love a 90 minute movie yeah you gotta do it woody uh it's it's like um it's almost like a ouija board it's like this hand i keep calling it talk to the hand but you hold on to the hand and you say let me in and it takes you to the spirit world.

But it's like an allegory for drugs. The kids are all doing it. But there's a lot of layers. Like they're all tick-tocking it and they're kind of not concerned. And then they get all fucked up and crazy. But then afterwards they're like, let's do it again. So it's like sort of allegorical. But also there's like parental relations and friendships and all this stuff.

And it gets quite fucking gory and crazy. And it's really I thought it was damn good. Great premise. Yeah. I love it. I love when they're putting tick tock. And I like I hate tick tock, but they're putting in movies because it does exist. Of course, when there's no phones or anything in a movie, I'm like, it's 2023.

No phones in this. Yeah, it's very straight. There's no one sitting looking at a phone. That would be half of a movie if you were just being realistic there's all these articles now saying that people forgot how to behave in movies did you see these like like barbie oppenheimer people are behaving like drunken assholes and it's like you realize there's like probably a generation of people going to these now who just have never really gone to the movies yeah did you notice that not when i went but yeah we had uh luke monas who's uh not just

hilarious funny guy yeah he was like we were a group of kids came and they were kind of chatting and uh i might have to run my guests from my pockets might be showing up oh yeah yeah you got ari's number yeah yeah shoot him a text would you oh perfect hey this guy's on it um so anyways we go there and it's like it's crowded and a group of teenagers show up and they're chatting like as the lights are coming down. It's getting ready. And I say to Luke, just so you know, like I am not above making a scene in a movie theater. And he was like, oh, me either. It was like Kramer.

And so then it comes like the Universal Studios logo comes on and he just goes. Oh, I would have. I wait until we're into the picture. Sure. I, and he just goes, shh. Oh, wow. I wait until we're into the picture. Sure. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt, and he does the big shush. And they were like, this is in San Jose. They were like Indian kids. So they were like, oh, shocked.

They weren't like, hey, fuck you. Yeah, yes. They were like, Jesus Christ. And so they start whispering, and Zach is just going to clip one up. This is a great scene. AI wouldn't have pulled that up. You're back. You're back in.

The popcorn spilled. I think they get lower and lower. That's Michelle Pfeiffer's sister. That's right. That guy's great. Because I would love it. Incredible. Incredible app.

But so he shushed him. And then like a couple minutes later, there's like the tiniest. And he's like, wow. And then like a few minutes later, the tiniest whimpery. And he goes, that's it. And I had a problem. And I was like, you got to stop. Because at some point, there's an adverse effect.

Yes, yes. Because if you turn and start yelling, now we're missing all of this. Now our heart rates spike. Now they're mad. Now we're like fighting. They're behind us. Are they going to throw sodas at us? And at some point, you're like, I would rather block out two people like, I like this movie.

Yeah. Than have to deal with we're in like a weird fist fight thing. Yeah. Now you're missing the whole movie. Yes. So you're right. It's completely overblown. And then you're sitting like this during the movie.

Yes. That was crazy. I have something that works nine out of ten times. It's very simple. I just turn around and say, you know, I can hear every word you guys are saying You think you think you're like I'm keeping it to ourselves Yeah, that's us, but it's like I can hear everywhere and that it stops it almost immediately Wow, that's good cuz then they're also like I don't want him to hear what I'm saying exactly

That's good You got to respect people the movie theater more was on a date with a girl once and she takes the phone out with the Film form which is like a oh, a girl once and she takes the phone out with the film form which is like a oh yeah you don't take the phone out during trailers and movie what during trailers during the movie fuck that and just to answer a text yeah and i see uh what the problem is out of control in this city i'll tell you that right now come on What's going on, guys? Jesus, Moses is here to part the sea. Get in here with the hobo box and everything. We can do like backup singers with one microphone. When was the last time I saw you?

You look like a Louis. So cold. You look like every person in the streets of San Francisco. I really do, yeah. It's a little thing. They don't give the good ones. Shoulder hair is coming in nicely. I got some patches. What are you taking? Iverm, yeah. It's a little thing. I just saw you like three weeks ago. Shoulder hair is coming in nicely. I got some patches.

What? What are you taking? Ivermectin. Never stopped. Doing better than ever. I feel like I'm doing charity here. It's like we're going to give him a makeover, folks. We're going to get this guy a job.

It's just too hot out, man. Sun's out, guns out. It is cloudy, though, so I have no excuse. It's three degrees. It, man. Sun's out, guns out. It is cloudy, though, so I have no excuse. It's 73 degrees. It's hot. It's biked up here. You smell like livestock. What's going on?

Biked up here. It's humid. Do you fish with a stick? Yeah, right? Is there a bag on the end of that stick? Are you riding the rails? I ride a rail car to a rail car. Just looking for friends.

You do look like the second guy in command behind Moses in the desert right now. I'm here if you need me moses if you need me okay it's hot i need an off day in the gps do you hear america's getting rid of gps for the world huh well yeah trump put it in play he's like why are you paying for it everybody else should pay for it wait what yeah we've been paying for gps oh because they're using our GPS. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. It's a very Trump movie.

Chat GPS is correct. Yeah. All right. When you were a kid, did you check the box office in the newspaper for movies that came out? Were you like, let me see who's winning the box office? Oh, yeah. Oh. That was a very anti-Semitic experiment you just did, Joe.

Well, I'm very interested in money, too, obviously, but media. I've heard a lot worse anti-Semitic experiment you just did, Joe. Well, I'm very interested in money, too, obviously, but media. I've heard a lot worse anti-Semitic experiments. It's called eugenics. What are you guys doing? What are you just talking about today? Well, we had no guests, and Liz popped in, and then you popped in, so we have two surprise guests on this one. There you go.

It's two goy, two Jew. There we go. Right now, the comment start should have been nobody. No, I think these are both guests. What do you think you and I could beat these two at? Basketball, they probably got it. We got you. Always a lockdown

defender, too. We could take one pickle. Pickle ball? Easy. You think so? I don't know. We got length. But you played. I played. I'm not great though i'm okay yeah we got you to be there cornhole i think would dominate no cornhole i'm i'm great bowling i'm great oh you got can you guys bowl i can bowl you can't bowl with your back are you kidding i can't bowl you can do one yo you can bring out that cart where you push it and let it

we'll beat you and pick a ball mark will be a fucking... That's wrong. You'll be looking at your abs in the window while we're dropping shots. I'm going to keep my shirt on. I'm like Kreischer over here. That's crazy. Pickleball will smoke you. We should film it. Yes. Now we're off on a topic.

Really? But wait a minute. Fine, but then we get basketball. Yeah, we got basketball. How's your back for basketball? I'm good, dude. I haven't been hurt in weeks now. I'll bomb in basketball.

I stink. I just saw white man can't jump. I can pick. Great. Oh, the new one? No, the old one. The old one's great. But it's got a few flaws in it.

It does. It's so funny. I just watched it recently, too. So they've got to get the duck in whatever. King and the duck. King and the duck. They're playing for $2,500 a game. That's just what he lost winning the fucking thing.

Now he can get a house for $2,500, but before for $5,000 he couldn't. Okay. It should have been a $25,000 buy-in for the duck and the king. The wife, Rosie Perez, or the girlfriend, happens to be working on Foods with the letter Q, and that's in the game? That's pretty wild. That's a joke. My thing we talked about recently, that's not a joke.

It happens. That's the end of the movie. Another one that we talked about on our podcast recently was that they get kicked out. The Stookies chase them out of their hotel. And then the next scene, they're in a different hotel. And she has all her posters and maps and everything already. She just moved in full. And they left all their shit behind.

But pull up her tits in that tank top. She looks good. She still looks kind of good, actually. Oh, really? That was early nipple in my life. That was great. Big nip. Big nip. The Stookies. And what do you can kind of good, actually. Oh, really? That was early nipple in my life. That was great. Big nip. Big nip.

Big nip. The Stokies. And Woody can kind of play. No, they could all play. There were only a couple shots where I'm like, that bounced past the angle and that would not have gone that way. Yeah. They said Woody Harrelson was the better player.

Everybody else's outfit was as gay as anyone on Broadway today. It's bright purple, spandex. Yeah, the little hats. They all dress like Richard Simmons for some reason. The other flaw is... Look at the porno on the right side of Sally's bullshit here. Hot milk teachers, men over 40. Did you seriously look this up on a porno site?

He did. Yeah. Have you heard of YouTube? Pull the brightness up. He knew how to make some women squirt, but he didn't know how to make any woman squirt. And that's what he was searching for. Another thing in this scene is, you can see she has no

protection. He's like, she's fully nude there with money in her twat. I'm just watching a black screen here. Is this a close-up of Wesley? What is this? This is too much. He killed killed it by the way he steals that movie he's charming as fuck yeah he's great he was amazing then he stopped doing comedy he's paying taxes he was in the eddie murphy one recently wasn't he interested in something

the other flaw is they keep trying to set up the the hustle and they're like you could pick anybody out here and he's, I'll take this guy. And you're like, the white guy that drove all the way to Watts and carrying a basketball? And not just some old fat guy that I've already seen play bad. It's like, no, no, forget all these people. There's somebody coming off a subway. I'm sure he'll stop.

He'll stop. He's a block away, but I'm sure he'll come play with us. He's a white guy in an all-black neighborhood carrying a basketball with basketball sneakers. I'm going with this guy. Of course he's going to be guy in an all-black neighborhood carrying a basketball, wearing basketball sneakers. I'm going with this guy. Of course he's going to be good. Yeah, there's some underrated jokes in there, too. Nah, nah, it ain't Raymond.

I'm going to get my other gun. Shoot everybody's ass. Great comedy there. Cut this motherfucker right here. It's amazing. That guy is an NBA player. He won national championship at UCLA underwater. Who was it? The one that they hustled with?

The one they hustled with? The one they hustled with? No, the one that they hustled him. Oh, right, right, right. I'm going to go back to my car, get my other gun, shoot everybody's ass. I will never bring you water. There's been your bed. Yeah, yeah.

Are there any other good basketball movies besides Hoosiers is good, but what's another good? Juana Man is not great. Teen Wolf is pretty solid. I think that's a basketball movie. Basketball Diaries. Was Hustle the Adam Sandler? Hustle's good.

Really good. Was it? Hustle's a good movie, yeah. What about Blue Chips? Oh, I love Blue Chips. Which wasn't bad. William Freakin, he died today. Whoa!

How crazy is this? Yeah, Freakin died. Freakin' Waken. I love Blue Chips. Don't step on any of the kids. Okay. Yeah, a lot of that was in Louisiana. I just love Shaq.

Shaq's second greatest role next to Shazam. Hey, have you not seen Steel? Oh, good point. Good point. Steel was a fucking, that was a rough one. Man, Nick Nolte had a rough. God, he's great. And the same guy from White Man Can't Jump, by the way.

Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq looks like he weighs like 180 here. Nolte's got to be one of the worst transitions from like hot Hollywood guy to fucking horrible looking now. Yeah. Nolte, yeah. He was a handsome, like Cape Fear Nick Nolte. It's because he hung out with Barbra Streisand for a week and then he said, just give up. He's up there with Ari.

Well, that mugshot was a punchline for like a decade. But he was sexiest man. He was? He won sexiest man. No, really? Look it up. I bet he did. Busey get in here. Buseiest man. No, really? Look it up. I bet he did. Where did Busey get in here?

Busey. Busey and Nolte. I always get it mixed up. Me too. Salakius is behind on the lookups. We never got Raymond, basketball star. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow.

He looks like Letterman. I think one of these people is Gary Busey. Yeah. Yeah, the left. There we go. Busey is amazing. Point Break? Point Break, yeah.

Wasn't he in that submarine movie? Utah, get me two. That's Gene Hackman. Periscope Down, or what is that? Down Periscope. That's the one. Down Periscope. He doesn't look that bad.

I thought he would look worse. Yeah. Oh, Busey? He's a little Irish. Yeah, he's just red-faced. Oh, yeah. Be a good guest. I would love to have Busey on.

He would drink us under the table. Busey would. Yeah. He would have Salacuse's outfit. Holy shit. That's Nolte. Oh, sorry, Busey. Busey would be an amazing guest. It's funny that they're both kind of nuts, it seems.

And they look alike. Spokesman of Busey. All right. Nolte went crazy? He seems a little nutty. Busey went crazy. Gary Busey went crazy. I think he had a head injury after, what was that movie he played in the 80s?

It was amazing. He played... Point Break? Buddy Holly? Buddy Holly. After Buddy Holly, he had a head injury from a motorcycle accident. Kind of lost his shit. That's what happens.

I heard the guy who runs the Springfield Club, you know, I heard he had a head injury from a crash. Really? Because one of the guys, when I was there, he know, I heard he had a head injury from a crash. Really? Because one of the guys when I was there, he goes, he was a completely different person before this.

They say that with everybody. Roseanne was normal. Sam Kinison was normal. What do you think he's doing now? Giving away percentage deals? He's just nice now. Yeah. He's like,

yeah, you can have a drink. You don't have a drink ticket. It's okay. How did Roseanne hit her head? She got in a car accident and totally kind of went and became a comedian oh wow really became a comedian yeah interesting that's so sick that comedian has an origin story you're a fucking superhero that's true jesus look at prior and watch his mom fuck a bunch of

johns you know and peoria he's Yeah, right. Wow, so your mother being a prostitute really leads to some success because Roberto Durante, Roberto Durant, is that his name? Yeah, and also leads to drug addicts and losers. There's other side of it too. Well, thanks for stepping on the bit right away. Jesus, let him

milk it. Jesus Christ, can we get three punchlines out? Like, actually? So you're saying your mother being a prostitute not not great got it got it write that down yeah that's when uh what's the guy who beat him because durant was like durant probably called someone else's mom a whore and beat the guy who was way better than him all right i think it was sugar ray did you watch Four Kings on Showtime? Is that where you're getting this info? Four Kings.

I remember that one. There's a new Showtime doc, Four Kings, and it's unbelievable. No, no. Showtime docs are kind of underrated. Yeah, that one's great. It's hard to get to, but yeah, I watched the Ron Artest one recently.

It's fucking great. Maybe it was just the Kings. Then there's We Were Kings, or When We Were Kings. That's nominally, right? Kings. Black people love being called king. They do.

And black women love to be called queen. And the ruler. They like the ruler in the rap world. I've never heard the ruler. Slick Rick the ruler. Oh, yeah. And Lil and Big is big, too. Lil is big.

You're right. I used to work at FYE, the record store, CD store. For your entertainment. Yes. When we would alphabetize, it was like all, the rap section was all L's for Lil and Biggs. Wow. It was B and L.

Also, where do you, in alphabetical order, where do you put a cash sign as an S? Oh, good. I think that's... It's an S. It's an S? I think it's got to be an S.

I would put it before the A. It's a number. It's assembly, right? It's like Prince. Any rap stars call in, please? I know LL Cool J is busy doing his Brock the Bells festival, but if you could take a break and call in, we'd love that. Do you have any of the videos I sent in?

Let's pull up a video for us. It sounds like a hacky joke, but I was working at FYE, and a guy came to me, he's like, you got 50 Cent? And I thought he was, I was like, oh, I can't help you, bro. And he's like, you don't got 50 Cent? I had never heard of this artist, and I was like, I don't know what to tell you. I'm not giving you money. He pulled out a 20. He's like, you got 50 Cent? You? I had never heard of this artist. And I was like, I don't know what to tell you. I'm not giving you money.

He pulled out a 20. He's like, you got 50 cent? You're like, well, now I'm really confused. What do we have? What is this? I don't know what that one is. Make it big. What's that?

I'm trying. It's hard. What's this? I didn't send this one. It's soft. Is that Luke Wilson? Oh, I know what this is. I didn't send this.

This is a guy Along with you block punches chat GPT get GPT in here. Oh So I think this guy's like a energy master he says I can block punches oh wait before you press play I'm gonna guess he doesn't block Way to shit on that. Here we go. That was no sound? So he's saying he can block punches with like a force field. Jesus. And then put him up against an MMA fighter. Oh, that sucks.

From his knees. Wow. I feel bad for this guy. He's an idiot. He's an idiot. That's Jake Paul if he went against a real fighter. He had to really believe it. This is a mystery video.

He beat Nate Diaz. Can I ask a question? I know, but he's not a boxer. Oh, I just... Diego just did this. Diego Lopez. What is this? This is an amazing fight. It happened just yesterday. Oh, with the folding chair.

Yes. This was crazy. All right, so the context basically is there's a security guard telling this group of white boaters, you can't dock here, you have to move your boat. Okay. That's all you need. Okay. And then they...

And I saw this. They behave like fucking lunatics. Okay. Oh, you missed the... There's a better angle. Yeah, there's a way better angle on this. I'm going to look for it. Stand by. They said you can't dock here, and they go...

Hold on. I'm going to find a better video. Stand by. Wait, wait. Why do they give a shit so bad that they're docking? Because they're clearly shit-faced, and they're just assholes. Looking for trouble. Yeah.

Looking for nubbing all the wrong pieces giving it away here hold on i'm gonna find another one you guys just talk okay yeah don't give it away since we're all but i bet it's on all right can i ask this yes sir side note i'm renting a studio and we're cutting into the time my losing i don't think yeah i would uh take advantage of that i feel like we might have to go. Go? But it would be a fucking drink while I'm here as a guest. Oh, whatever you want.

Yeah, grab whatever you want. Oh, there's no tender. Let's just have a fucking scotchy scotch. Lack of a little lemon. What are you doing? We got good scotch. Eleven. One of the mats has got to get up there,

although I would recommend Peter's because Salakius makes it. What's a lack of a little lemon? Is that a novelty one? It's got got to get up there. Although I would recommend Peter's because Salakius makes it. What's a Lagavulin 11? Is that a novelty one? It's got to be a novelty one. No, that's real, baby. That's an 18-year, baby. No, it's novelty. What do you mean novelty?

The Offerman edition. It's a novelty fucking one. Fuck him. Let him die in this 11. That's a fun sound. That is a fun sound. That is. I'll try it actually oh

give the man a Lagerfeld if he wants it or Bodega Cat which is available online Lagerfeld BodegaCatWhiskey.com you can get them online now? yeah

that's the only place to get them oh it's literally Nick Offerman? yeah they don't make an 11 for some reason that's pretty cool what? it is pretty cool to be on that that really is Nick Offerman I thought. They don't make an 11 for some reason. That's pretty cool. What? It is pretty cool.

To be on that. That really is Nick Offerman. I thought you were kidding. Oh, no. No, that's a good joke. I would never say that. No, no. He's a partner.

Wow. Ooh. Damn. McKenna. This is gripping radio. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know, right? Did I derail it by asking for a fucking...

No. Well, I derailed to ask ask about what's in the box You do that's two cigars for later some old max for foundation Why don't you go to a different video man if this isn't it looks like you're check your email It looks like you're near the hobo move where they this was a gold I've been they knocked the shit out of it All right, so like this is all you ever see this Sam Donald Trump. No, I haven't seen it move where they this was a gold I've been they knocked the shit out of it By the time you get finished, the straw is totally descending, man. Does anybody walk around with a plastic straw? Because you've got that.

Boom, boom. Boom, boom. Producer Vladimir Putin. Tim Young made this. Who's Tim Young? That one with... Comedian. They're okay, but the straws are going to bend. Is Tim Young the one who took over TIG's account

I think so yeah did you see the tweet he wrote about the women's soccer what it's a doozy I don't want to ruin it I'm going to jumble it all up

but it's it's comedy let's read it how's that McKenna 10 year baby it's not bad what an asshole that's what you're supposed to say how's that free 10enna? Ten year, baby. It's not bad. Aw, what an asshole. That's what you're supposed to say.

How's that free ten-year-old scotch you just stole? That's okay. It's Kentucky bourbon. Salakies, you've lost your touch. Oh, my God, dude. This is brutal. I know. By the way, we still haven't seen Raymond, the basketball player.

Is that it, Mark? I believe, yeah, yeah. What does that say? The shocking and totally unexpected loss by the U.S. women's soccer team to Sweden is fully emblematic of what is happening to our once great nation. What a crooked Joe Biden. Oh, that's awesome. Many of our players were openly hostile to America. No other country behaved in such a manner or even close.

Woke equals failure. Nice shot, Megan. Nice shot. The USA is going to win. Oh, they go go at it i forgot to go at it nice shot megan it's biden's fault they lost that's so funny i mean woke he might be right that's their only hired women that is so fucking funny he loves to rub it in he loves to rub it in she missed like a big shot. It ruined the whole game for him.

That's great. I got something else here. It's a bit of a mystery. I'm just going to play it. Oh, God. Okay. Raymond? Is that Ronan?

It looks like Ronan. What is this? Is he eating crayons? This is Joe and Ronan talk movies. Oh, my Lord. It is Ronan. Holy shit. Oh, my God.

That's emblematic of what's happening to our country oh my god that's fentanyl what the fuck's he eating what the fuck was it oh I sent this one and this one's kind of fun okay here we go

Sal Cuses is back on it this is Vitor's new half hour special this is the good side of social media that's pretty good no hatred right just two people dancing talking about their chai drink uh-huh oh is that what that was yeah they don't have internet so they'll never see this it's so catchy is. Midgets or a Z? Is this a... Can I tell if it's Funhaus or they're small people?

He's got real bow leg. He's lower than the car. Look at that bike. His tower is real tall. Oh, good point, good point. It looks normal. Like a head size is all... It does look normal.

Okay. Good one. Oh, this is a good one. This is a good one here. They really sit up there and let... Chaotix. So, Chaotix, what's your relationship status today

i mean you can see man my relationship status man these my queens these my beautiful girls right here man these are the girls that hold me down they take care of me they do everything for me man they eat my butt all of them they eat my butt back to back sometimes together sometimes they take turns they the ones who make me feel Like the king that I am young without them. I wouldn't be nothing Yeah, I disagree America's in a great place Well the only way I could know that you worthy of eating my blood is is by the way the way you treat me before You can even be able to eat my blood You know I'm saying you got to cater to me.

You got to show me that you're willing to sacrifice for me. You got to show me that you love me. You got to show me that you're going to put work in for me, that you're going to bribe for me, that you're going to be loyal to me, that you're going to be faithful to me. And once you show me all of these things, then I will allow you to eat my butt.

Because that's the only way you can do this. This guy's got it figured out. This guy's got it. He's not chaotic at all. I love that the interviewer's really asking the hard questions, too. Yeah. And what does it take to eat your butt? I'll bet you got to jump through hoops to eat someone else's ass.

It's like he needs to trust them. I can't have someone I don't trust eating my butt. They might take a bite. That's inner circle. Yeah. Hey, inner circle. Hey. I don't even think that was. They might take a bite. That's inner circle. Yeah. Hey, inner circle. I don't even think that was on purpose. No, it was not. I'll take credit for it, though.

There you go. You finally stumbled into something good. What's this? Have you seen this? No, I've seen this. When you walk in this bean shop, I'm surprised that you still got the shirt on, Jack. A little kid going Hulk Hogan.

Do I need to tell you something? Hulk sure, the first time I met you, I haven't seen it. A little kid going Hulk Hogan. I love this kid. Soda's gonna come in and body slam him. So what are they going to do when the power of Hulk Hogan and the Hulkster and the dual 24 inch python run wild on you? This is great. That is some feel good content. Gotta give it something nice. Brad Williams is a Halloween cut. That is a. Did you see the doc?

They did the doc on Hulk Hogan versus Gawker. No, it's fucking pretty wild. He destroyed Gawker. He destroyed him. Didn't somebody back him? Peter Thiel. Because he was like, I hate Gawker. So I'll just give you all the money you need for your defense.

They outed him. They outed Peter Thiel. And he was like, fuck you. I'll destroy you when I get a chance. And he was like, I got a horse to back now. And he backed Hulk Hogan. Wow. Don't fuck with ael and he was like you i'll destroy you when i get a chance and he was like i got a horse to back now and he backed hulk wow don't a billionaire it was like 140 million and then we don't have that money few do yeah wow get out of business i used to love the gawker blind items where it was just a rumor and once it was like louis is dating a comedian and everybody thought it was michelle wolf you started a comedian. And everyone thought it was Michelle Wolfe.

You started that. I didn't start it. I was making fun of her at the cellar. You have red hair. And it was like, not at all. He's got a big mop of red hair. That's one of the best lines ever in Curb. What's it, Cheryl's dad?

We watched that carrot top the other day. He's funny. He's got a big mop of red hair. That's such a perfect thing that a non-comic would say I feel like we have to go you're almost at half hour we're wrapping up in a minute do we get the chair video

or the boat? yeah I want to see the boat brawl this is a lot for a show have you covered the fucking baseball brawl? no it was so sweet it was so sweet he was like let's go how often is a punch actually thrown

at second base I've never seen anyone knocked out in a baseball brawl he kind of went down he kind of tensed up most of them are tough dudes who just don't know how to throw a punch I remember when Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson if you could pull that clip off neither don't know how to throw a punch. I remember when Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson, if you could pull that clip off, that's one of the funniest fights.

Neither of them knew how to throw a punch. Manu Pohl was always like, you just get inside him. Larry Johnson and Manu Pohl was pretty great. These guys are not. They're just ducking. Well, I love that the ref lets it happen. He's like, all right, fuck it, square off. What is this, audio?

Oh, Salakius. Jesus Christ. You're such a loser. Oh, we got a play-by-play. God damn. I think it's because the MLB is so shitty about... Oh, here it comes. That's the one.

Let it play there. Playing. I know. I'm yelling at the guy in the corner. That's why the MLB is so unpopular. I've seen it. John Boy has it. Because every other sport just let people...

They let people post shit. I got back... I love how he's like, you've been dirty for a while. I've been waiting for the chance to fight you. Did he say that? Yeah. After it showed no regret, his own agent showed him in boxing gloves. It was great.

Everybody backed that guy. He was like, fuck this dirty player. Nolan Ryan fucked up Robin Ventura a little bit. That was great. That was a good one. That stood up for all. Fun fact about that game. That's a clip to pull up. And I watched that doc, by the way. That's a great doc.

You know who is the voiceover? Mike McRae. Do you guys know McRae? Oh, Mike McRae. Great comic. Austin guy. Yeah, he does voices. He was in Houston originally.

Also, the Chanho Park one is pretty great. Hey, the regs. Look at that. The Robin Ventura one, it was like the first time a pitcher stood up for himself. Oh, really? It was like, yeah. First time stood up for himself. Oh, really? Yeah. First time ever?

No. They never fucking punched hard like that. Is this Ryan? I don't know why it's six minutes, but there it goes. Big screen. Ventura's like a kid, too. Big screen. Oh, headlock.

Oh, that's the worst. Oh, and he's like, fuck me. God damn it. I think the uppercuts. I think Nolan Ryan's like 46 and Robin Verteur's 23 or something. Wow. It's all man strength. Another great one is Aaron Sealy hits George Bell. He charges and Mo Vaughn comes out of nowhere and fucking nails him.

Mo Vaughn. Aaron Sealy, do Mo Vaughn. Oh, he took it well. There it comes. He never went down. This is a great one one this is four minutes and 40 seconds baseball in the 90s was so much it was so fun there's in college you see a guy lays down a bunt so we could attack the pitcher left side of the screen i can't see anything oh

good job move on that's a fun. Look at the melee out here. It's a brouhaha. I think I played that room. I love when everybody fights. I did too. Connecticut. Is that New Haven? Oh, Hartford.

Oh, Hartford. I did a New Year's Eve there one year. I walked off stage. I opened for you. You walked off stage? You were so bad. Why'd you walk off? That might have been 09?

Because they handed out... No, I was like a month sober. It must have been 09 because they handed out no i was newly i was like a month sober it must have been 2013 oh i was january 2013 guzzling cocktails like there was no tomorrow i was on i was doing new year's eve and they it was a two-man show the opener did 40 and i was doing 50 that was the system they came up with so a guy just walks up cold and does 40 minutes wow and then i was on and at 12 52 I was supposed to take it to midnight and do the countdown. At 12.52, they just start wheeling out fucking noisemakers and champagne and stuff. Oh, yeah.

So everyone's like, what? And I just walked up. I was like, I'll just come back at 11.59. This is insane. Yeah. And so that's what I did. They always do that. It's a mistake they always make.

It's so dumb. Just give them 20 minutes like say your piece or whatever make one last apology yeah oh cereal's weird no we want to celebrate why do we have to ring in the new year with them i once did a 6 p.m 8 p.m new year's night and it's like it was the best new year's ever yeah go out do your blow and fucking enjoy i haven't worked new years in years yeah it's pointless i love it the money's better the money's better but it's lame it's like the show is the same night It's a bad night. No one wants to do it either, yeah.

We all hated him. What is this? Last one. Ari brought this one up. This is a guy who got a little chin music, and then he lays down a bunt just so he can blow up the pitch. It's a great bunt, too. Oh, he knocks him. Look at it.

He lays down a bunt just so he can... Oh! That was a great shot. And nope, never made it to first. He got up, though. The guy got up. Another great one. Sorry.

Izzy Alcantara. Izzy! Alcantara, do you know that one? No. Jizzy! Izzy, right? Tell me Izzy Al... Yeah, there you go.

It just popped up. This is the paper that I take at Red Sox. Well, give us a context. Before he charges, he gets hit. We've lost every female listener ever right here. They're just dudes watching fights. We lost them when Ari walked in. So he throws at him. The catcher always tries to stop you. Oh! listener ever right here. They're just dudes watching fights. We lost them when Ari walked in.

The catcher always tries to stop you. Oh, wow. That was pretty genius. That was pretty genius. Pretty good. Take the catcher out of the equation. Oh, he despeared him. That never works, by the way.

Yeah. All right. He goes fishing. That catcher. That guy got it. Oh, that was great. That was so smart. But he had a face mask.

I love how these guys are like, when I get hit, they have time to think about it. Like, how would I, how do I do it differently? Ventura was like,

and rolling around, was like, I'll put him in a hit. They always go low. Yeah. You're just waiting for the chance. This guy was like,

don't let the catcher catch up with you. I heard the story with Ventura. Ventura. That guy died this week. Robin Ventura? Jesse? No. The guy from Ace Ventura who says Ventura. Oh. The landlord. Yeah, he was on Breaking Bad and

Better Call Saul. Salamanca. That's what I call you. Yeah. He's most known for Ace Ventura landlord. Ventura. Fiber. Fiber. He, uh, what the hell was I gonna say? Oh, known for Ace Ventura Landlord. Ventura Fiber. Fiber. He, what the hell was I going to say? Oh, the story about Ventura was supposedly they had been beefing the White Sox and Rangers in the clubhouse.

They were like, if they throw at us, we're fucking charging them out. I don't care who it is or what it is. And so Ventura, this poor kid who just came up, gets hit and was like, all right, I guess I got to charge the mound. And then this old timer just beats the snot out of him. Ah, that's a shame. And continued to pitch in the game. I love it.

Yeah. Is baseball fucked? Is it done? No. No, baseball's a lot of fun. They've changed the rules. This year's gotten better again. Yeah, as the Yankees get worse, baseball gets better.

Yeah, they suck. That's true. So do the Red Sox. Oh, we got a melee. Yeah, but the Yankees were supposed to be good. I know. Okay. Yeah.

No, the Orioles are fucking good. The Orioles. It's wild. Baltimore needs a win. Well, Ari's a big Yankee, Cowboy, Duke University. Number one teams. Number one teams, USA. Duke the rapier.

He loves Sweden. Women's soccer. Wait, no, no. Penn State. Sorry. Wait, what am I thinking of? Lacrosse? Lacrosse. Lacrosse. Yeah. Sorry. They were innocent. women's soccer. Wait, not Penn State, sorry. Wait, what am I thinking of? Lacrosse? Lacrosse.

Sorry. They were innocent. That's true. Not of being great. It was good times with friends. Well, you guys got any plugs? You got a special out? He needs a few plugs up top.

Hello. We got a butt plug back downstairs. Hello. It hurt pretty bad. I didn't like it. Hello. I got a butt plug back downstairs. Hello. Yeah. No, it hurt. It hurt pretty bad. I didn't like it. Yeah, I'll talk to you about it later.

Thanks, Helen. You calling show business? I got a special out on YouTube right now. I assume it's out right now. It's called Enough for Everybody. It's on YouTube. Go watch it. Subscribe.

There's a one before that called This Year's Material and one before that called I Hate Myself. It's the baby's name. I don't like this. Do you already have it? What? The baby? Yeah, he's three months old.

The name. We can keep it away from all Jews. By the time this comes out, he might be. Oh, geez. She? I don't know. His name's Ari. I got a tour.

I got a wrong side history tour coming. Parks Casino, Minneapolis, Madison, Kent City, Iowa City, Boston. That one casino out here. Oh. Connecticut. Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun. Foxwoods, yeah. Indianapolis, Louisville.

All that. RAChphere.com. RAChphere.com. There's your famous pose right there. Yeah. I don't know what. You stand like this sometimes. That's true.

I called you on one said no way. Oh, it's Tempe, Arizona just added in December. Forget about that. Hot town. Wow. All right.

Hey, watch Soup to Nuts on Netflix. Soup to Nuts? Give it a double up vote or whatever the hell it is. Fucking trending on Netflix. The whole.

Yeah, it was like number one. It was great. It was cool seeing it. This writer strike is helping me out and get some Bodega Cat. Fuck you, the whole sort of long COVID. Yeah, it was like number one. It was great. It was cool seeing it. This writer's strike is helping me out. And get some Bodega Cat. Fuck you, The Witcher. Now some queefy rom-com is number one.

But hey, it was only a matter of time. And yeah, marknormancomedy.com for dates. I'm all over the road coming to Europe, the whole thing. Oh, nice. What do you got? I got Chicago Theater, Toronto. Chicago Theater, wow. York, Bethlehem msg is the big one msg uh but we're uh theater at msg we got cleveland ohio fucking what is i can't read it you got columbus indianapolis cincinnati yeah

cincinnati indianapolis and then msg november 4th don forget about Munhall PA. That's the big one. We call it Pittsburgh here. No one knows what the fuck Munhall is. You pulled a Munson. All right, Q's, you got anything to plug? No, we're good. Good. Love to hear it.

Bodega Cat, too. Get your Bodega Cat whiskey at bodegacatwhiskey.com. If I come to one of your parties and you don't have a Bodega Cat, I'm leaving it. You heard it here first, folks. We'll see y'all on hell and i get down in the same way

I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like the cops coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true