We Might Be Drunk - Ep 146: Rick Glassman & Boy Are His Arms Tired

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

Rick Glassman comes back for his second appearance on the couch. A lot of fun, a lot of jokes, and we submit for an Emmy award. A couple false starts to get the ball rolling but once it's rolling there is no stopping it, until about and hour and 45 minutes in. Stick with us, its a lot of fun and we try to help Sam work through some things on this very special episode of, We Might Be Drunk. Check out Rick's award winning podcast - Take Your Shoes Off and see Rick on the road. Rick Glassman: https://www.rickglassman.com/ Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD! Support the show & get 20% off at https://www.liquidiv.com, promo code DRUNK Support the show and get 15% you first order with code DRUNK at https://www.shopduer.com

Are we going yet? No, not yet. Got it! That's why we need a BTS cam. You got that right. But also if we're starting. I don't know. Do you guys do like a start like, Welcome! You just did it. That was a good start.

Good start. Welcome! Yeah! Welcome to the dungeon. We got fun and games. Our buddy Rick Glassman in the city. Woo! Fanny pack out. Hair's

looking nice and cut. Snipped. Moist. Yes. Your hair can handle this weather. Yeah, I look at my hair like a cake. I like it to be moist. Sweet.

Dark. And I want to put it in my mouth. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't come all over it yeah that's a porno site sitting on girls sitting on cakes oh yeah yeah i started it really no no but it's a site it's oh i mean you like started watching it no it's a uh fetish oh is that you thought you may started like i just started watching suits yeah that's what i was going for well i get you thank you yeah man well uh it's great to have you here yeah tell it to your face what the fuck no no at the beginning we walked in i don't know if you reveal this kind of stuff but you said y'all just had done a podcast and i just did a podcast and we're all a little bit

like at least i am yeah so're like, happy you're here. Podcasts are the new gym. I don't even work out anymore. I just do pods all day and I'm exhausted. I often look at gyms like cakes. I love them. You just can't have them too much and I prefer when they're black. Yeah.

They're moist from the sweat before you. Come all over them. Yeah. When are we starting? Oh, no. Was that on for real? Yeah. Oh, man.

We got to delete all that. No, I'm just kidding. Oh, my God. Good to see you there, man. That cum stuff could get you canceled. Oh, yeah. Better cumming than going. They still have a place called Cum and Go.

Is the fanny pack? Yeah, I started it. Is the fanny pack back come and go it's a fanny pack started it is the fanny pack back oh it's back it's it offers a great utility and i'm not going to decide what is back and what isn't when it offers me stuff i just did another podcast my arms are tired and i have external hard drives i have my sunglasses and my headphones that's you know i it's too little for a backpack right too much for my pockets it's a purgatory you're in a limbo gray area middle ground thank you like my cake yeah cake that's a no gray hair good band yeah which one cake oh yeah they got some stuff oh i love them yeah they were good they were good but what's going on here their baggy seems to be in these clothes are flowier than a loose labia careful okay you look very

you look hip without trying i feel like oh he's trying i forgot what's the name of this is this uh kill tony why are we busting my balls no no i'm just saying we said you look good you look like cake you know moist black and you want to come all over me. Yeah. I don't mind a white cake. What do you call that? Vanilla? Yeah.

Yeah. Just grabbing their tits? Yeah. I'm grabbing the cake. I like this because this is unlike our other guests. Yeah. This is a different energy and I love it. Did you like the other energy too?

No. Well, we won't say who it is. No, it was good. But his name rhymes with block morphin. Edit that out the other energy too? No. Well, we won't say who it is. No, it was good. But his name rhymes with Block Morphin. Edit that out again. I had an idea. I don't know who it was. I was trying to do a name that clearly you're not going to figure out who it is.

Oh, okay, okay. If I said Mavid Wade, you would know who I was talking about. David Spade? I was thinking Dwayne Wade. Oh, jeez. We're all, our periods aren't synced. Do me a favor, just for the sake of people wanting to watch the rest of this. Start it now.

Thank you. Are we starting now? Cake. Wow. You can keep on. All right. Keep it in. You heard him.

Boys, it's good to be back. Yeah. Good to have you back. back hey you got your own merch oh yeah look at you man we're back that's not that's not the only merch i got for us you guys already have them but i never gave you your own so what is this do that on here because i told you about them on here not these gay cards yeah i was gonna give you all right don't we have isn't this what we have framed right here yeah oh if you don't like if you didn't, if you don't want to set it for yourselves, then let's not worry about it. I want a fucking set.

I'll sell them at a pawn shop. Well, if you don't, I mean. No one's going to buy it, but I'd love to have the card. Yeah, I'll give it to you. Give us the fucking card, dude. Yeah, it's merch. All right, I'll take out my vaccine card and I'll put that in its place. We don't need those anymore.

Who are you? I don't know. Do you know him yet? Yeah. i know him how would you describe him oh geez what are we doing therapy this feels like couples therapy if you were a pastry how would you describe a pastry okay that i can croissant he's flaky all right he's dry as shit he's dry he's only good in the mornings but i'm always happy to see him. Hey! How would you describe him as a pastry?

A baked good. Well, bagel is the easy out, you know, with the Semitism. Pro, but let's see. But Semitism nonetheless. Yeah, Semite. You don't hear too much about pro-Semitism. No, you don't. Pastry, I would go

English. No, no, that's not a pastry. Anything that's baked in an oven. English muffin. How so? Because it's every, you can have one every day, but it's also a little classier. Oh, thank you. But you can also put

horse shit on it. You know? You could put Cheetos and peanut butter. So you can go either way. What kind of English muffins do you make? You have Cheetos, peanut butter, English muffins? Well, I was thinking of something kind of down and dirty. I love an English muffin. Okay.

You like a croissant? Yeah. I got into croissants maybe two years ago. If that, I never liked them because I don't really like butter and they taste butter oh that's the best part well i got into them and then i started eating them every day every day like i was like i want to go get a coffee and i didn't always get a coffee four days a week but i would always walk to the place and i want to look at the croissants oh yeah i fart no you didn't just fart did you hear. You didn't just fart? Did you hear that? I didn't hear it. His body just makes sounds.

I said, I love croissants, and I'm looking at you, and I just hear. I had a. It was the couch. There's a girl I'm seeing, and I farted. And she goes, did you fart? And I said, no, but I did. Yeah. And I lied, you know.

And then she goes. And then I was like, all right, I did. And she goes, well, now I can't trust you. And I was like, that's indicative of all of my behavior, like as if I cheat on her. And it's the same way I would respond to a fart. Yeah. Where she's like, did you cheat on me? And I'd be like, yes.

Right. Would you rather tell her that you cheated than you farted? If you did both. I think you got to tell both. That's what she's saying. That's what she's saying. I get it, but I don't think it's a different,

it's a different level. Are you not comfortable farting in front of your girl? No, I am. I was just trying to be silly with it, you know? Is she cool with it? Yeah, but I think,

here's the thing. You should be comfortable with it, but you shouldn't get greedy with it. Kind of like with great power comes great responsibility. Absolutely. You're like the Spider-Man. Yeah.

Or the Venom. TaisoCards.com. I'll send you a picture. There you go. But yeah, I fart in front of the lady and you're right. I get greedy. Sometimes I'm like... Does she think it's funny?

She does with the first toot. And then if I really elephant Titus, that she's not into. Well, it's hard to segue that into being like you want to go to the bedroom yeah you can't you gotta you gotta keep the romance alive as well we're not doing it in the bedroom that's what i've that's what i let them fly the dutch oven i know it's childish but it's fucking amazing is that cultural appropriation yeah to fart under the covers if you're not dutch a good point a little different with a jew too yeah insensitive what do

you mean wow there's some history there what are you saying the dutch i love the dutch what we said about bagels ah english muffin no but farting goes either way i uh um my girl and i uh we met um what's his name oh you, you said girl already. What would it matter? You said that my cards were gay, that I'm gay. What do you have against gay people? I wish I was gay. Well, you can be. It is a choice.

But my girl or guy and I, before we even met, because we met online and it's long distance and we would FaceTime all the time. What app? It wasn't an app. You met instagram just i went i found her business nice um uh and by the way her business um as far as this concern is none your business so i don't like giving too much away of my personal life is those nachos because this is nacho business okay that was a thing when i was a kid no i remember nacho cheese there's a restaurant where I'm from, and they're called Not-So Fries,

because they're not like your typical fries. And I would always think, like, whose fries are these? They're Not-So Fries. Better than Nazi fries. Yeah. Those are bad fries. Nazi fries. Not good.

It's crazy. Burnt to a crisp. Yeah. All right. You know, I had a comic say to me recently, because I posted a clip where a guy said perform jew and he's a heavier comic and he goes uh do you get that a lot what he yelled out perform jew trying to be funny oh and i dip i'm sorry ah jew yeah bless you i'm really um i'm

really feeling myself forcing a couple of jokes in here don't force but i want to make sure i have a safe space to force the jokes yeah always a safe always go ahead use jokes in here don't force but i want to make sure i have a safe space to force the jokes yeah always a safe always go ahead use the force i don't know if we've had one good one yet but we're getting but i want to hear about this uh always i have your guy and he goes you get the jew thing a lot of states are like no no it's very rare and he goes you know because sometimes people yell out at me that i'm fat ah i was like what's different isn't it i mean first off there's never been a fat holocaust true you know they'd be harder to hide well if the jews are running

it would be a holocaust can we keep that one in keep it in holla bread we've reviewed it yeah i guess a personal trainer is kind of like a genocide for fat people but you're paying for it you don't pay for a genocide yeah but we're still I guess you're right. Yeah, but we're still paying for it. We are. And that was also not our choice. True. Good point. You guys are obsessed with paying.

Huh? What are you doing? All right, sorry. Sorry. Keep going. Can we do... Rick is bad for a stage. Rick, you're great at improv.

Can you do a scene where you're... Mark is getting disciplined for making pedophile jokes you work in an office you're the boss so he's not a comedian he's not a comedian you're in a you're in your hr okay mark is uh you work at a let's get a suggestion um where do i work come out here where does he work a law office got it law mark's a lawyer yeah they're perfect i'm a lawyer i've been re-watching suits um well i founded it and uh i get it i get this stuff so great so uh you will be an associate or maybe a junior partner sure uh and i uh am hr or i'm an upper a lawyer that is like yeah yeah yeah yeah all right so status. Your name's on the door.

You're a big shot. I'm a name partner. Sure. I'm a name partner. I'll tell you, we had a couple of Girl Scouts try to sell us cookies. I'd like to get in that little box. Oh, yeah. Boy, we're pretty close to a playground, huh? Anyone else hard? Oh, okay.

Well, Halloween's coming up. Woo, baby. I'm going to have a big chocolate bar for that kid. Real payday. Hey, Mark. Yeah, have you heard my pedophile stuff? It's doing okay. Yeah, we've all heard your pedophile stuff.

Mark, a couple of people in the office, they've been talking. Oh, good. I'm getting some buzz going. And you've been making people feel uncomfortable. Oh, have they heard my stuff? It's pretty good. What have you been telling? Oh, I got a bunch of kid fucking jokes.

Let me hear some. I love Michael Jackson. I wish I could have gone to Epstein's Island. That's actually, that's okay. Okay, okay. But it's still not appropriate for the office. And also, there's been a rumor going around here that... Sidney, could you close the door for a sec?

Oh, God. There's been a rumor going around that you didn't actually go to Harvard. No, no. I went to preschool. Okay, there's the show. All right. What do you think? That was some pretty good Disney.

It's coming to Hulu. Yeah. Coming to Disney Plus. All right. So when I first, when my girl and I were first started talking, one of the first things

we talked about before we met was, and it was silly, but like intentional and also mattered, where are you with farting? Like how are you with farting? Because I fart. I have to fart. Oh, good. but like intentional and also mattered where are you with farting like how are you because i i fart

i have to oh good and um some people think it's disgusting some people think it's hilarious and everywhere in between uh i have noticed and i i don't think it's a coincidence and my relationships over the years they've all been okay with farting and And I think that's indicative of like, if you're not okay with farting, farts aside, I don't know if you'll be okay with me just expressing myself however I need to. Sure. And she thinks farting's funny. She farts all the time. Wow.

Lady fart. Very much a lady fart. Like an English muffin. Nice. Very classy. Got it, got it. That was not a classy fart. That was a dying fart right there. I guess you're right. I guess you're right. That was not a classy fart. That was a dying fart right there.

I guess you're right. It was more of a puff. And it's a hard stop. It's a cute fart. No, they're just, well, you know, she's wonderful and everything is wonderful. But they are, I mean, her farts are way stinkier than mine. Oh, that's a problem. But she has great fart timing.

Okay. She has great fart timing. Okay. She has great fart timing. She'll get up and go. Are we hearing these farts? I'm hearing these fart sounds. No, but I got you. Hold on. Let me see.

Yeah, that's what I've been hearing. Wow, that's good stuff. Not bad, right? Yeah, that's solid. Very impressive. But she'll make a little joke out of it. She'll go over there and be like, I have to go make a phone call. You know, whatever her version of that is.

And like, it gets a laugh. I know what she's doing. She does it over there. be like i have to go make a phone call you know whatever version that is and like he gets a laugh i know what she's doing she does it over there yeah i just i i love my grandfather used to say it's better to belch and bear the shame than not to belch and bear the pain hey and i subscribe to that very much he was in the holocaust yeah he knows about gas well all right but good for her i wouldn't my ladies let a few of those lady poofs go, and it's off-putting. Yeah. Yeah. I know it's a double standard there, but it is a little off-putting.

The noise or the smell or both? The smell. Right. I can deal with the noise. I love a fart noise. Who's farts don't smell? Do you like your wife? I'm up and down.

Right. I'm in and out. Hot and cold. Off and on. Yeah. Straight and by. But too much. It's like you said, you can't get greedy with the farts.

You let one go at the right time. Hey, dad's funeral. Now we're cooking. Funeral farts are solid. Oh. It's a lot of tension. Exactly. Yeah. Right.

It's an open casket. Yeah, you're cutting the tension. It's an open casket. With a fart. Yeah. You can't do it, you know, when, right. It's an open casket. Yeah, you're cutting the tension with a fart. Yeah. You can't do it, you know, when they're putting the dirt on the casket like at a Jewish funeral. Don't fart at that moment. Right.

Unless you have to fart at that moment. Well, yeah, then you have to. But that's why those poofs are good because they're a little quieter. Do you know Andy Kozel? I don't. He's an L.A. comedian. He said something once. I farted at barney's beanery or something and it was like we got a laugh out of it uh and he said uh farts have the best comedic timing and i've always like when have you heard a fart and even if you're grossed out by like it's

funny it's funny blazing saddles was on tv yesterday and i turned on right at the fart scene oh the beans the nutty professor fart scene fart scenes are funny I turned on right at the fart scene. Oh, at the beans. The Nutty Professor fart scene. Fart scenes are funny. I think the fart, they said, was the first joke in, like, caveman time. It was, like, a guy's ass with a puff of wind coming out. I thought that was we adapted to speak. We used to speak out of our butts, and that was talking lines. You're just talking out of your ass.

Cut to a clip of Ace Ventura Part 2. There you go. When nature calls. All right. But yeah, farting with a relationship, it's kind of like the abortion issue. You got to be on one side of it. Yeah. Are you pro-choice?

Or are you... Pro-stink? Yeah. I think it is like the abortion issue. I'm okay when a man decides to do it. Right. Yeah. So the government is in their ass now as well yeah right pro-life how do you feel when a guy farts around you and it smells

are you that's annoying right it's look one is funny it's when you get greedy it's we've been around the guy like micro scenes farts they might be the worst farts i've ever smelled in my life he ruins your day he hot boxes you they're in the room they don't go usually they linger then they go away but he's always farting you're saying well foodies you got you got to think like people who love like i love chinese food but you got to think like certain things you eat are going to make your gas smell i mean yeah who said that uh Plato, yeah. You've been with those people that were like, what is your diet that this is coming out of you? While we're on diets, I'd like to follow up because last time we spoke that you were Pepto-Bismol all the time.

And then I think I got you on to the peppermint oil. We have a very interesting friendship. I feel like we're friends now, right? Yeah. What are you kidding? Absolutely. But it's such an interesting question that I'm actually flattered that you asked i want to hear more about well the fact that you turned me i was a pepto-bismol guy to the point that it was in my rider so pepto was in my mateo lane the comedian once texted me thank god i'm at this club after

you because there's pepto in the green room you wanted it yeah but I told him, Rick Glassman turned me off Pepto. I'm doing the peppermint pills now. And much better. Natural. It's better for you. Interesting. And they work. Don't they?

But how bad is your stomach? How often do you... Because you asked if I had any when you came in today. So I have digestive enzymes on me. So I'm trying to be more conscious of... I've learned what doesn't feel good for me. So I'm doing a better job learned. What doesn't feel good for me. So I'm doing a better job at what doesn't feel good. Well, fried foods don't. I do have a I've learned that gluten doesn't necessarily affect my stomach, but affects my joints.

Like I get stiff and gluten causes inflammation for a lot of people. Yeah. So when I eat gluten, if I eat fried food, if I eat a dessert. Huh? Wow. That's a lot of foods. That so when i eat gluten if i eat fried food if i eat a dessert huh um wow there's a lot of foods that's why i try and limit them um but when i do i take a digestive enzyme not necessarily peppermint pill once my stomach starts to not even painful once i start to feel in my stomach or something i'll take a green pill right away and it's like magic really oh yeah is that the green pills oh wow ib guard yeah it's what it's like magic. Really? Oh, yeah. Is that the green pills? Oh, wow. IB guard. Yeah, it's got stuff. Which is like, out of all my sponsors, I want to invest into IB guard.

Yeah. Because I sell it. I mean. HIV guard. That's just a condom. But I got to get some of this for my wife because she's got the stomach of the Jewish people. It's not pretty. May is not Jewish.

I wish. But no, she'd be circumcised but she's uh always got the stomach stuff she's like my stomach uh lactose also listen peppermint pill great but obviously she's she doesn't know what's affecting her body like yeah and the semen intake is overwhelming does she swallow a lot really wonderful oh my god like it's mayonnaise yeah um that was part of his toast at the wedding it was beautiful yeah we cheersed it i took some too yeah um yeah i guess that would be a man's a's now would you say that she gets stomach aches all the time or would you say that she gets stomach aches all the time, or would you say that she has them?

All the time. And she's shitting like a goose. It's wet. It's bloody. It's gay. It's wild. Wait a minute. Jews do not have good stereotypes.

She said goose. He said a goose, not juice. Shit like a goose. Oh. You heard juice from goose? I heard juice. Okay. He said stomach of a goose.

Goose. She shits like a goose. Ooh. But she has a stomach of a Jew. That's what I mean. Okay. He said stomach of a goose. Goose. Like, she shits like a goose. Ooh. But she has a stomach of a Jew. That I did see. That's what I mean. Yeah, yeah. The modern day Frankenstein's monster. Right.

Stomach of a Jew. Aha. Face of a goose. Yeah. I think, what's her face looks like a goose? What's her name? You know what I'm talking about. The lady that's-

If we guess now, it's just going to be hurtful if we goose now. Goose face. She's pretty, but she's got the face of a goose. Really? What's his name? Who? Actress? Yeah, just in a new movie.

He was in Barbie, Ryan Gooseling. We'll be right back. Which one's my camera? This one? This one. Oh, Sarah. Jessica Parker? No, no.

That looks like a goose you looked up. Actress. Famous actress. Maybe not Sarah. Jessica Parker? No, no. That looks like a goose you looked up. Actress. Famous actress. Maybe not Sarah. She's in the movie with the little boy. They gave her some shit for being too weird because she's fucking a little boy. Oh, Jennifer Lawrence. Lawrence.

Goose. You don't see goose? No. I feel like she's got a little goose face going. Put a goose up. Type in Jennifer Lawrence goose face. She looks like a goose? Hold on. A hot goose.. Type in Jennifer Lawrence goose face. She looks like a goose? Hold on.

A hot goose. Oh, we don't want that. That's a hot goose right there on the right. I mean, she's very attractive. I think you don't see the goose at all. There's like a little neck thing going on. No. Oh, there she is.

No, that's a goose. Oh, oh, okay. Got it. All right. Well, maybe it's just me. I see goose. I don't see the goose. Do you see geese in a lot of things? No, okay. Got it. All right. Well, maybe it's just me. I see goose. I don't see the goose. Do you see geese in a lot of things?

No, never. Now you hear Jew, he sees geese. Therapist scene. Oh, man, what a body. So, Mark. Look at that goose. Come on. There you go.

We got glasses. That's just the worst picture of her. All right. I see a squawking white-feathered goo. Goop. That's Paltrow's company. Vagina candle. Click on that one with the gray dress, by the way.

That's just a fucking hourglass if I've ever seen one. Hachi machi. Who is that? That's her. Oh, wow, she looks good. Goose on the left. Hot on the right. That sounds like a lyric to something. We got goose on the. Goose on the left. Hot on the right. That sounds like a lyric to something.

We got goose on the left. Hot on the right. Hot on the right. Squawking all day. Fucking all night. Fucking all night. Now that's the goose with the short hair. Look at that.

Come on. Yeah, she does look like a goose in that one. Okay, we got a goose. All right, you got me. It took a while. Damn, that was like. All right. That's the only picture of her All right, you got me. It took a while. Damn, that was like... That's the only picture of her. You are a good lawyer.

That took a while, but we settled. We're going to keep you around. Goose and to the left. All right. So, I'm sorry. I cut through there with the goose. What were you guys talking about? I was just saying my girl's fart timing is pretty good.

Oh, fart timing. But let's talk about what you said that you think we're friends. Ouch. Is it because you're not sure if I feel the same? I said I'm not. Yeah, I don't know. We don't talk at time, but I feel like I'm always happy to see you. I thought it was a given.

You've done the pod. You've been in his green room. You've done our pod 900 times. We've done yours. I think that was what solidified once we're hanging outside a pod is, you know. Yeah. If you guys ever get Jennifer Lawrence as a guest

that's over now I want you to get up and go around the room and tap everyone else's head and say duck and then we get to her see if she knows the reference I thought I had bad ADD this guy said let's get back to our friendship and then

goes back to the goose thing the goose joke locked and loaded. He wanted to get it out. No, the duck-duck goose just came in my head. Oh, okay. Maybe because friendship, kids, games. Right, well. Maybe that was his association.

Why don't you stop playing games with me, dude? Oh! Yeah. I just got goosebumps. You're playing games. Okay. Jeez. Good children's book, Goosebumps.

Remember that? R.L. Stine. Yeah. Oh, gee. Yeah. I don't think I've ever finished a book that wasn't a Goosebumps remember that R.L. Stine yeah oh gee yeah I don't think I've ever finished a book that wasn't a Goosebumps for real

there you go what about the Torah I didn't finish it but I did read my portion oh okay how about portion size yeah you fucking banged it out dude yikes

it's a beautiful language which means my stomach hurts do you have any green pills yeah yeah so so yeah because our relationship my relationship with the two of you is, I think exclusively, with the exception of when we did Just for Laughs together a while ago. Oh, wow.

Which was 2013, 14. That's 10 years. We were just back there. It was weird to be back. Yeah. Did you open with that or did you say good to be back? Weird to be back. Weird to be back was weird to be back. Yeah. Did you open with that or did you say good to be back? Weird to be back. Weird to be back.

Weird to be back. Yeah. Sam. Is podcast is our friendship. So like most of our friendship is like documented, if not all of it. That's right. Except for that fucking. What was that? I was giving a high five to the mannequin.

Oh, okay. Good. But, uh... So you're saying that we're friends the way porn stars who only fuck on set are lovers? No, I'm saying I understand why you would question that. Oh, okay. But I have developed both grown friendships and created friendships through podcasting. Where I knew a person and now some of them have become my best friends.

We don't live in the same place, like i feel like i feel like we've absolutely become friends yeah from it me too hold on my uh i'll get out of here queefy friend alarm is going off you guys done yeah that was beautiful but uh but like yeah i don't know you outside like we don't have an i don't know you outside of performing yeah you know like even this as low energy as it is low energy i'm on my toes here that's funny because i believe you and i'm just so used to being so fucking hyper that i feel like i gotta match you add cuts and it ain't easy i'm i'm well your uh lawyer improv was good okay let's do another one what should we do i don't have

improv you're a master at it i appreciate that but really I'm just here to facilitate, you know. Come on. Another elephant? What? By the way, I went and saw a safari. Went and did a safari. Elephants were the meanest animals. Everybody's like, the lions, what are we going to do?

Elephants charge us every two minutes. Really? Do you think it's because you don't stop making fun of them? Maybe. I did some weight jokes. Yeah, what happens next time you see Jennifer Lawrence?? Do you think it's because you don't stop making fun of them? Maybe. I did some weight jokes. Yeah, what happens next time you see Jennifer Lawrence? How do you think she's going to feel? Oh, man, she's going to peck me.

Is that weird to you that this shit will live forever and there is a chance you will meet her? I've hung out with her. Oh, at Schumer's thing? Yeah, at her wedding. She was half in the bag. So she won't remember. How did she look? What does that mean?

She looked great. Oh, drunk? Does that mean drunk? Yeah. Kyle Dunnigan was all over her. How'd he do? Not good. half in the bag so she won't remember how did she look i mean she looked great oh drunk does that mean drunk yeah kyle dunnigan was all over how'd he do not good he he was trying to seal the deal with some caitlin jenner yeah yeah he tried his bill maher okay okay people all right why would you ever have kids okay and then uh he did his biden do you think bill maher's condescending to all his fucking women he's like really really what are you saying don't what huh oh that's and we have our cold open so what are you saying what it's like dude what is this i don't know we're all over the road

but bill maher i was saying what are you saying about are you talking about somebody's impression of him or are you actually talking about Bill Maher? No, Kyle Dunnigan does an incredible Bill Maher. Have you never seen that? I have seen it. It's excellent. It's funny as hell. But he's saying, is Bill Maher cunty while or condescending while fucking? I was trying to set up an improv for you possibly.

Oh, okay. You be Bill Maher. Okay. Oh, yeah. Why would you ever have kids? I don't know. He seems all right bill maher was nice okay that was some good improv from both of you i'm a big fan of his he just had riley gaines on the the swimmer lady who hates oh nice whatever time yeah i like i like his show a lot and bill marshall yeah new rules is it. It's incredible. And his delivery of it and what he brings to it and also the writers of that are, I love it. I love it too.

Sometimes it gets me for real. I get like, fuck yeah, we need, you know, like real riled up. Like it's funny and poignant. Yes, yes. I'm a Bill Marshall fan. Yeah, it's good. I like him too. He's smug as shit, but you learn to love him.

I watched him with Bill Maher, Bill Burr. Oh, that was weird. That was an uncomfortable one. Yeah, and I asked Bill about it because... And? Hand. Oh, sorry. Hand.

Job. Because Bill Maher often on his show, and I understand it, but he seems to have an agenda against ageism pretty strongly. He does hate that. Like, not, you know what that, I mean, I don't need to explain what ageism means, right? Of course, yeah. We hate agents. Turn it off, dude. All right, sir. we hate agents uh turn it off dude all right sir and um bill said something about like there

are different generations i don't know 15 years apart or whatever and he goes you're there was such contention between bill maher like with the age stuff i don't even remember what it was but like it was kind of like we went like it was and bill thought no no everything was fine he thought it was totally comfortable. Yeah. But is that. I was a little uncomfortable watching it. Yeah, you saw it, right?

Yeah. And I, obviously, they're both different and great Bills. But it was like uncomfortable. And Bill didn't feel it at all. Which is weird. I read it a little bit as I think with a stand-up, Bill Maher is a little insecure because I think he thinks he's one of the greatest stand-ups ever.

He says that. He says that, and it's, I mean, come on, there's no world where he's in the same class as Bill Burr. It's insane. I mean, I agree. As a stand-up, I'm saying, you know, his show is terrific. Yeah. But I think there's a little insecurity and

he's a little feels challenged by a guy like bill burr and it's how i read it it's his show so he was kind of he kept interrupting him he was kind of trying to alpha burr a little bit that's how i felt like burr is so good at getting back in and you can't you can't fuck with him so it was awkward i mean with burr yeah i i thought he was trying to big dog him a little bit that's what i'm saying maybe i have very and it's just not gonna happen you're just not gonna pull it off on bill he's too quick and he's too confident and he's too good it's and it's not gonna happen and he's kind of pulled to like what are you doing man you had me on your show you want let me talk and mar has to go ah geez all right all right it was on bill's show unless they

both did it. I didn't watch. Are you talking about on Bill Burr's podcast or Bill Mar's podcast? It was on real time. It was on HBO. Oh, we're talking about two different things. I didn't even see that. Oh, wait, he's on the pod?

Bill Mar came on Bill Burr's podcast. Is that right? Yes. How did I miss that? Pull that up. The audio only. And, uh. Right?

I don't know, whatever. Well, he doesn't have video. Yeah, he does. But it was weird again, you're saying? Because Bill Burr came on my podcast right after that, so I cut to a clip of it. And he said it was weird again? Bill Burr didn't say it was weird. I thought it was a little contentious.

Well, he's not going to admit to it being weird. Bill seemed to be being honest. Oh, it is on video. I guess they started doing it. Oh, I got to listen to this. When was this? 22. Oh, this is almost a year old. Oh, I got to listen to this. When was this? 22. I was almost a year old.

Jeez, I'm out of the loop. Loop, ba-doop. But, yeah, so age, you know. Kemming, kerning. I mean, if you want to leave this shit in the podcast, go for it. But holy shit, I almost fell asleep. Yeah, well, it was your idea. Yeah, I dropped the ball.

All right. You took a risk. I get it. I'm feeling stellar, I dropped the ball. All right. Oh, you took a risk. I get it. I'm feeling stellar. This has nothing to do with me. Yeah, it's just searching stellar. Yeah. Ah, Google stinks.

There's some real idiots over there in Silicon Valley. Are you guys worried about AI taking over comedy? I'm worried about AI, period. Yeah. It's all going to be A period, I period. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm worried about it, man. Yeah. No, it's all it's all gonna be a period i period yeah yeah yeah i'm worried about it man

no it's uh i think we got a good five years left so we better we better live i think tour like a motherfucker cash is going away too yeah that worries me i like cash what do you like about cash well the freedom of it under the table you can play a dice game you can snort a line of coke you can give it to a stripper you can you can break the rules we're on the grid but the illusion of being somewhat off the grid with cash is kind of fun it's nice and we're gonna talk when it goes away we're gonna be like man we had some good times but you could do that with with uh crypto yeah it's it's invisible well i like to hold it i want to slap it on my hand and give it to a hooker. Gotcha. Were you into hookers when you were single?

No, I've actually never... I fucked one, but she didn't charge me. She's good. Oh, yeah. So you love the therapist. Hope not too much. No, I love... Are you sexually attracted to her?

No. Come on. On what? Is she on the couch? Oh, no. No, I'm not sexually attracted to her. I just love therapy. I love therapy.

I like it too. I love asking questions. I love people asking me questions. Yeah. I like finding patterns and things that I couldn't see before. I like learning intention. Also, like in trauma moments, like I like somebody to talk to to like help me self-soothe when I can't get there. Hear, hear. I'm a big therapy man. Same. I like somebody to talk to, to like help me self-soothe when I can't get there. Hear, hear.

I'm a big therapy man. Same. I like it. But I feel like you get the tools. You learn what they tell you what to do and then I don't need to go back. So I like I don't go every week all the time. I'll take months off. Yeah.

And then I'll go back every now and then for a little. And then there's sometimes where I notice something that like I need to work on. I'm like, hey, like ask ask like collaborating with somebody like hey i'm gonna come in and then i'll go in once twice a week for a couple months kind of like loading on a new supplement or something yeah but i think it bothers them when you turn them into a part-time gig a little bit they don't let you speak for my therapist go on yeah i will i'll speak for i don't give a fuck about your therapist what about people that that go to comedy shows sometimes and they stop and they go again it's not a weekly thing I think they expect you to go I'm

I do it too I'm saying I think I don't think they like it yeah they don't like it when I do it either you think because it affects their product or they're not making the money they want probably I think they're both like I'm not a fucking mechanic this is not a tune-up but but but it is it absolutely is i agree i agree i'm i'm saying i agree with you like when your car's in a lot of distress you go a lot more and then when isn't you still go get your oil fixed uh changed i'm sorry change changed you get your oil changed i just fucking you can't say anything anymore get your oil changed or whatever yeah but sometimes i disagree yeah i'm with you i mean if they want to come more, then they should start fucking our lives up.

You know, you're going to have to go behind the scenes. They want me to come more. They got to keep talking about my mom. There we go. Count it. I don't remember this. You have mom issues. I'm in therapy, aren't I?

He has parent issues. You don't have mom issues? I didn't know that. Everyone has mom issues. Mom issues I have is the fact that we don't live in the same state, so we can't just laugh and talk all the time in person. I'm so close to my mom. I mean, I suck.

No, no, we're close. It's not bad, but it's like there's still issues. Go on. Tell me more. How does that make you feel? She raped me. You know what? Yeah.

I see it now. Yeah. Not that she raped you, but you couldn't even give one example we were being sincere for a while and you you much like the way you improvise you go you heighten too quickly so there's nowhere to go that's your version of shutting it down you think i heightened too quickly oh buddy if you had a nickname it's heightens too fast yeah and i'm not talking about your stand-up curated i'm talking about when you came on I remember when we were improvising and like really doing it for real we were trying to have a real

scene and we established something and then you just go and then I raped her I'm like Sam let's put that in this for a little bit he's got a point you notice this you're a heightener you're a heightener hey I'm short I'm a shortener

you're also a heightener, Mark. What's going on? What have you learned as an adult that you didn't know as a kid with your relationship with your mom? I think there were some tendencies that she could be judgmental and overbearing in ways. And that translated towards – she's a very loving mother. And, of course, he would say you feel like you have to qualify this before even critiquing her but you know obviously you love and respect your mom and of course yeah and a distant father throw that in the well biological father was yes and yeah my dad

was good yeah um you're close with your with your stepdad yeah yeah uh and your mom judged you i don't think me. I think other people. I think like women in my life. Like, I know my mom. I've got some texts from mom, from your mom that were pretty judgy. How about you? It's like, I hate when he does this. I hate this.

No, she'll spread it around. No, she agreed with this assessment? I think there's a part of her. She definitely respects my standup and respects that i built a career this but i think i think she wishes i was a humorist i think she wishes i was like a new yorker shouts and murmurs type of comedian rather than why because i think it's like classier and like an english muffin like an english muffin thank you well you're very well read you're cultured are you have you read say cheese and die i haven't oh it's a great goosebumps

damn oh i actually i might have read that back in the day how about camp camp uh which is the camp one yeah there's a camera right i don't know wasn't there camera something hey jews love camp no that must be the say cheese and die one camp nightmare right remember this. I think that's a concentration camp. Hello. Yeah. That would be a weird R.L. Stine departure. Well, it is scary. Just a fucking holocaust. Yeah. Wow.

We're getting somewhere. Keep going there, Dr. Glassie. What were we talking about goosebumps for? Why did that even come up? Well, it said she looked like a goose. Oh, humorous. Duck, duck, goose. Okay.

No, she likes uh i think she that's more her avenue but but she does i mean she laughs at the show i've definitely seen her in the crowd before where she'll do one of these i go into like a different a joke she doesn't like as much i see one of these and i'm like you sat too close to the stage so i can still see you doing that yeah before i started stand-up i went i went to, I feel like I talked about this on a podcast once. And if it was this one, because I don't know why. But anyway, I'm feeling insecure about repeating something on your pod. Lay it on me.

I went to the Las Vegas Comedy Festival. My uncle does lighting and stuff. So he got me in. And I wasn't even doing stand-up yet. But I got to be in the green room and see all this stuff. It was very exciting. And I saw Seinfeld and Chris Rock. Jeez.

I went to the Chris Rock sound check at the Coliseum at Caesars, and there wasn't very many people in there. And he was up on stage, and he goes, make sure my mom sits at a certain row. And at the time, I even got it, and I wasn't even doing it, because he didn't want to see her reactions to things. Maybe she reacts good. I don't know. But you just don't want to see people. I don't want to see your mom. But just even at that level, he's like, don't put my mom there.

It's insane when they see someone you know. Like, I'm not going to force crowd work, but I might want to do crowd work 45 minutes into the set. Sure. And then it's like, you're doing crowd work. Like, what are you doing? Like, oh, that's Rob. Yeah. It's a friend of mine oh that's the word you feel like you're phony a little bit because you're performing a little so you feel they they know what you're doing the whole thing sucks yeah so what do you think your mom uh your mom judging you has to do with you

because you you're you're you both are but just speaking for you you're i'm gonna lean into this type of guy you lean into the thing and that could be like you know like pushing back and you know like being competitive and do you feel like when some an audience member is heckling you and or you're on a premise that people aren't yet on board we're like hey fuck you and is leaning in thing is that because they're judging you no i think that's because if i do a joke that's kind of like a lean-in type of joke, you can't do like a half-sea abortion joke. You can't do like a— What abortion joke?

Yeah, I'm on the fence. You have to lean into whatever the premise is. Right. Or the joke isn't funny. I mean, like, same with a comic. Like, look at a comic like Anthony Jezelnik. If he took any of the sting. Could you type in Anthony Jezelnik like a goose and see what happens?

If you took any of the sting out of his punchlines, it just wouldn't be as funny. If there was any lack of certainty, it wouldn't be as funny. Well, it's well known that his mother judged him. Images? He is German. There's a little goose going on here, by the way. I don't think so. I'm just kidding.

He's a very handsome man. He is a handsome guy. Yeah, the ladies love him. Silly goose, maybe. Hey, there you go. How about you? What made you be a comedian? The molesting?

Yeah. The diddle? What's funny about that? Well, I'm heightening. the diddle what's funny about that well i'm heightening um should have done that to the camp counselor not me uh well that's an rl stein story if i'm not mistaken that's true came nowhere yes yes uh i used to uh uh i have a lot of things Master Vader. All right. Sorry. Keep going. I would tell jokes to be able to... Slow the sound down? What are we doing here?

Come on. Put some life into it, Greeny. I was tapping into something that felt real. What is this? Inside the actor's studio? Out with it. Yeah. PBS over here.

Hit it. PBS over here. Hit it. I don't know if you really want me to tell you. Yeah, yeah. We want to hear it. Well, then maybe give me a little bit of a safer space. Sorry, sorry. You can do it.

When I was little, I didn't have... Feeling in your legs never mind alright well the pods over come on get it out of there hairy arms what are you playing

Incredible Hulk sad walk away we don't need Salix at all Bill Bixby over here what good pull sad walk away. We don't need sad like you said. Peters is already killing it. Bill Bixby over here. What good pull. And I had a hard time. Yeah. With what?

Just fitting in. My brother was popular and I had a lot of friends. I always just felt out of place, you know? Sure, sure. That must have been very hard for you, Rick. But you're tall. I wasn't.

Could have used some height. I wasn't tall yet. Oh, yeah. I was smart. I was into science and nerdy shit. I got hit by a gamma ray. Oh, no. Or as you would say, a gamma gay, because that's your brand. Wow.

And I... Push it. I... I was a boy. I was young. I felt a fool There should be someone There to hold

My hand and trust That was love Whatever. No. And scene! Wow. You guys are just gonna make fun of me i was a lot of work just came out yeah the commitment there was unbelievable that was and then uh yeah then i got bobby lee on the pod and realized hey maybe there's something

to these jokes after all you know he brought a good amount of audience to the to my podcast and then i you know started getting in there with comics yeah comics saved the day because for me to fit i was much like yourself didn't fit in weirdo but you start finding booze and that it was a nice lubricator you mean like like bombing and people booing you yeah oh no that came later i'm talking about the high school yeah yeah you find booze was a nice uh social lube and then you meet some weirdo friends and then you're off and cooking you're both drunks yeah yeah yeah i would say yes yeah well you did yeah i'm gonna say it again what if you had to stop drinking today

where does your happiness and where does your career go a year from now probably better off in the long run but that few first couple of months would be you think it's just a couple months yeah i'd have the dt's what if your wife said if you stop drinking she'll go on an elimination diet what does that mean she'll figure out elimination diet you figure out you get off all the things that people are commonly intolerant to uh like nightshades and This is the most Jewish fantasy about a guy's wife. Oh, yeah. Hey, yeah, has your girl, has she ever gone on an elimination diet? I don't even know what that is.

It sounds like genocide. And then you come back in, and then you reintroduce new foods, and you find out what is upsetting you. Oh, she did that. And she's still shitting like a Jew? If I know women, they'll find something to be upset about. Am I right? I'll tell you, these women, they're all right.

They're all right. Yeah, yeah. She did one of those tests at the hospital, and they said you can't have soy. You can't have dairy. Yeah, but that's not real. Oh, really? No. You've got to actually do it.

I feel like going and getting blood. This is a great analogy. You have to trust me. I'm listening. Getting blood work to figure out what you're intolerant and allergic to is like... All right, all right. Oh, fuck, I forgot. I had a great one.

Hold on. I know, you finally got that energy up. Oh! Oh! Yes! He's coming, dude. Hell yes. Yeah, he's coming.

First orgasm. Yeah. Yes. Don't make fun of it. Yes, he's coming. Don't make fun of it yeah he's coming don't make fun of it first orgasm on the pod whoa

except for me and Miss Pat thank god your pants are white okay oh I forgot what it was it was such a fucking good one dude wait wait so the diet don't have soy

don't have gluten she went to the hospital something about cumming in your pants yeah you came everywhere well anyway when they get the test and it tells you about some stuff yeah it's like that's the

that you got to really do it you got to get off the food well she's doing that now but she's going off the list from the hospital and she feels better yeah and uh inflammation went down oh yeah she was huge really yeah it was it was a problem we were gonna do an intervention but she's a rascal but she she slimmed down just in the nick of time. Yeah, it was getting scary. We were worried. I had the divorce papers ready. I had a lawyer on the line.

We were concerned. What was your lawyer's name? Fat. Get rid of her. Nice. Yeah. Nice. Have you met that?

Harvey Specter is unbelievable. Really? He's in the city. Oh, okay. Yeah. Related to Phil? Fairly newer. Phil, you beat me to it.

Well, you know, I'm quicker than you, you fucking son of a bitch. Pull up Harvey Specter. You guys might know him. He's really good. Oh, yeah. Oh, that guy's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was banging Markle for a hot minute.

No, you're thinking of Mike Ross. I see. Stop living on coffee and energy drinks. Over half the human body is made up of water. So you should probably drink more of it. Liquid IV has you covered. It's the number one powdered hydration brand in America. One stick of Liquid IV is 16 ounces of water and it hydrates you.

Sorry. One stick of Liquid IV and 16 ounces of water hydrates hydrates you. Sorry. One stick of liquid IV in 16 ounces of water hydrates you two times faster and more efficiently than water alone. With three times the electrolytes of leading sports drinks, eight vitamins, nutrients, and now a sugar-free option, you can't go wrong. I use this. It helps with a good hangover. Oh, yeah. It's good flavors, too. We got strawberry lemonade, tropical punch, seaberry. There's one for every mood.

Definitely. Big fan. Just keep it at the house. Yeah. Real people, real flavor, real hydration. Now sugar-free. That's my fave. Grab your Liquid IV hydration multiplier, sugar-free in bulk, nationwide at Costco,

or 20% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code DRUNK at checkout. That's 20% off anything you order when you use promo code DRUNK at liquidiv.com. Mm-hmm. Hear, hear. All right, folks. We're doing it. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Dewar. Stop deciding between comfortable or stylish pants.

Get the pants that look great and feel great from Dewar. I love these pants. I got some cool shorts. They sent me a long pair and they're fucking comfortable they're nice they fit perfectly i wear them like all the time they're great great jeans i'll send more if you guys please i would love a darker pair as well i'm walking rocking that light blue oh yeah i got the gray and that that stains easy i look like uh lewinsky out here but uh, they're great on a plane.

They're just so comfortable. Love the Dewar, and we run around town all over the place, so we need a nice, cool fit to look good and feel good. Style your Dewars up or down, whatever the fit is. Dewar's denim is five times the stretch of traditional rigid denim and are designed to keep you cool, dry, in any temp, and antibacterial for easy care and less washing.

My girl must be wearing them. She's very dry. Made from materials like wood chips, plants, and recycled bottles. Wow. Dewar has finally made sustainable clothing that's long-lasting and stylish. Trust me, you haven't felt comfort until you put on a pair of Dewar's. Check out Dewar's flagship stores in LA, Denver, or get them online, shopdewar.com. And our listeners get 15% off site-wide using code DRUNK for 15% off your order at shopdure.com.

Use promo code DRUNK and save. Shopdewar.com, promo code DRUNK. save. Shopdur.com, promo code DRUNK. Dude, you misspelled it, I think. Oh, did I? S-H-O-P-D-U-E-R. Oh, you're right. S-H-O-P-D-U-E-R.com. Boy, she's kind of on the outs.

Oh, yeah? Why would you say that? I feel like she was hot news for a minute. She was on Oprah. She had a netflix special she's uh that got all the victim status from being half black with the queen and now everybody hates her man it's it's tough being royal yeah plush yeah do you guys know that song where it goes i want to be royal lord yeah she said. She said it best, man. Yeah, she's fucking good, dude.

Queen Bee. She's fucking good. So we're all fucking comics in our mid to late 20s who are in relationships, right? Yeah, bro. You got that right. It's not easy being a black guy. Yeah, you hear my fucking burps, dude? I'm tearing this shit up. Oh, yeah. I'm going crazy

today, dude. If you could this shit up. Oh, yeah. I'm going crazy today, dude. If you could have anybody's voice, literal voice, whose would you pick and what would you do with it? RFK Jr. No. R. Kelly, but I'd also want to say what he was feeling. We'll put this through a modifier to make it sound like R. Kelly. Yeah, auto-tune. What does he feel? I didn't know this was going to go any further.

You got to heighten. Fuck, dude. Hey, we're not your mom. Fuck you, dude. You are my mom. Yeah, because we're judging you. Fuck you, man. Fuck you.

You see the audience as your mom that serviced you for a while because you learned how to heighten their jokes. Why don't you service me? Why don't you put your fucking mouth on my dick? I'm not even joking. Pull your pants down. I'm not joking. I'll suck your dick right here? I'm not even joking. Pull your pants down. I'm not joking. I'll suck your dick right here. Prove it.

Witness. Pull your pants down unless you're... To chicken? Ooh! You may think Jennifer Lawrence looks like a goose,

but I see a chicken right over here. Oh, begone, begone! Fuck. Don't lay an egg. Oh, God. Are you afraid your mommy doesn't want to suck your dick?

What the fuck, dude? Jeez, that was a little over the line. That was fucked up. You don't think my mom wants to suck my dick? What does that bring up? Rejection. How so? That, you know, you want.

It's like a wedding invite. I don't want her to suck my dick, but I want the option. Good point. But how would it make you feel to know that your mom would judge you if you want her to suck my dick, but I want the option. Good point. But how would it make you feel to know that your mom would judge you if you wanted her to suck your dick? You don't want a mom job? She'll wear an apron. Maybe I do.

Maybe I do. Maybe I want my mom to suck me off, dude. It's not the first time your dick's been in her because she made you in her stomach. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking deep, dude. Uh-huh. Isn't that weird? Your first time your dick's been in her because she made you in her stomach. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking deep, dude. Uh-huh.

Isn't that weird? Your mom made your dick. Yeah. That's a mind twister. She's the oven that made this English muffin. Yeah. Good merch. Yeah.

Huh? Good merch. Oh, yeah. My mom's the oven that made this English muffin. It's kind of long for a T-shirt. No. You only do it in large bigger all right well okay this was fun well dude this is gone eight different ways you can make this patreon only if you want no i think this is good stuff there's something here if the audience could stay with it there's something here i If the audience could stay with it, there's something here.

I challenge you. You guys, you take the, you take the lead. All right, all right. Well, it's good to see you. I'll answer some questions or you could ask me like questions about like, you know, whatever you do. And then I'll like listen to what you guys have to say. All right. All right. Well, you like this Lizzo stuff?

Yeah, I'm not, I'm not, I don't care. Yeah, yeah i don't care either i care a little i mean i care about so little i know and that's what's an interesting thing when we're in a business about having strong points of view yeah in order to be authentic i'm being sincere in order to be authentic to find things that you actually care about yeah it. That's true. You know, it's not the deepest well. And to tell jokes or to write stuff about things. That you care about. No, but that you don't care. Just because, like, you know, we do this all the time.

Right. And to come up with things or to talk about, like, no. But you think you have to care about the thing to write a joke about it. you think you have to care about the thing to write a joke about it if i i think that i think that to write jokes about stuff i don't care about is so draining and i start to i felt myself resenting doing this is that why all your jokes are about uh raping children i think he's just joking that's what you care about i don't i don't care about so we don't care about them but i care about them but i'm not doing anything to stop it true i mean if i saw it happening i was walking around last time i was visiting here i was in the city and there was two kids i'm making this age up a give or take two

years between 10 and 12 okay and they were playing by the uh the whatever that happened you know around zero what's the tower called now? Freedom Tower. Freedom. And there's like a fountain by there. And they were playing in there with like the water and stuff. And they were running around. And they were black. And there was a older. This is getting more dicey here.

And they were black. And there was an older white man who was taking videos of them. Yeah. And they never acknowledged each other. Kevin Spacey was there? Dude. All right. Bro.

Dude, bro. And I waited, and I didn't want to go up and say something because just because there's black kids and a white old person doesn't mean that they're not, you know, what did Maya Angelou say? Black kids and white older people go hand in hand? Yes. They make you feel. Right.

But I was watching to make sure for a little bit because like is this inappropriate but like oh no they i realized they were together because they had something in his bag but i'm saying like if there's something that's happening inappropriate i'll i'll i'll try and do what i can would you have fought that guy i i wasn't thinking i had fought but i did have enough adrenaline in like i'm ready to go up and say what's going on here wow absolutely yeah what have you said just fucking i'll be the old man you know you beat you be two little kids running around playing water and you be the you be you and i'll be the old man i'm just watching but hold on i have a question for you yeah it doesn't matter yet yeah i'm black

oh wait yeah hey let me do this yeah we're playing in the water. Okay. I'm a little kid. Oh, yeah, that's good stuff. That'll do just fine. Yeah, that's me. That's the stuff right there. Oh, yeah, I'm black. Oh, fuck. Oh, it's bang, bang for later, for sure.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm in the middle of something. Are you, is this your friend or person? That's my dad. Oh, this is your dad? Yeah. Absolutely, pardon is your dad. Yeah. Absolutely.

Pardon me. I was just looking because it felt a little inappropriate because you were saying, ooh, ooh, yeah, like that. Okay. How I fuck my kids is none of your business. Yeah, we like it. Shame on you. Yeah.

Shame on you. Uh-huh. 9-1-1. Oh, we got you there, dad. Oh, man. You think they can stop me? I donate so much money to that precinct I donate to their fucking ball And I'm happy to help too

But they're not going to do shit to me They know this happens That's how corrupt the fucking NYPD is You're alright with this? I love it, he does it so well That's why I'm in the fountain, I gotta clean up Yeah Alright Thank you for your concern It's so well. That's why I'm in the fountain. I got to clean up. Yeah.

All right. Thank you for your concern. Absolutely. Please leave us alone. Absolutely. I'm going to take them back. And that would be about the extent. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, this is the weirdest part of the whole thing. But jokes aside, jokes aside, when you see stuff sometimes, like... Say something. If you see something, say something. Yeah, and I have. What's going on here? You've done that? Yeah. Not always like kid something, but if there's something, say something. Yeah, and I have. What's going on here? You've done that? Yeah.

Not always like kid something, but if there's something that's inappropriate. I remember once, I mean, the stakes are so much lower, but I hate smoking. I know it's an opinion. Weed or cigarettes or what? Well, wait, so you do have opinions. I have opinions, but I'm saying if it's stuff that I don't, this is something I do care about. There you go. That's all you need.

But stuff that I don't care about, like the Lizzo shit. No, I was just fucking around. But yeah, smoking, cigarettes, it's, I mean, dude, it's not 98. Stop. Right. But if you're going to do it, do your thing, but not by me. Like, I'll be even with friends, and if we're walking, we're smoking a cigarette, I'll say, hey, I'll either go on the other side or ask them to switch hands and blow it away,

or I'll just go, get the, it's gross. It smells. I hate it. Yeah. That being being said that's your thing go do it but there are certain boundaries that i feel are should be universal and i remember at the comedy store there was a guy that was smoking and he was walking in and he took a hit right before he walked up the steps into the original room and he just threw the cigarette on the ground on the on the floor on the ground legend and i uh i went up to him i said excuse me uh oh god i said i think you i think you dropped your cigarette like a little passive-aggressive getting the benefit of the doubt for him to be like oh sorry yeah he goes no i meant to i was done with it i go oh the garbage is right there.

And I'll tell you something. In the moment, I didn't feel the adrenaline and confrontational. But as soon as I said the garbage is right there, which I was being sincere, I was like, hey, man, it's right there. I got this adrenaline rush a little bit. And I'll tell you something. I liked it. And then right after that, Andrew Dice Clay beat the shit out of you.

No, he said sorry and he picked up and he threw it away. Really? He did? Yeah. Wow. But I wasn't going up to him being an asshole and being like, hey, fuck you. Or like, at least my intention at the time wasn't like, fuck you. Was he a big guy? He definitely was bigger than me.

Wow, because you're pretty tall. I could be wrong, but I wasn't worried about thinking like, this guy's going to punch me now. I also felt like. He definitely hated you. He threw the cigarette away. I know, but he's't worried about thinking, like, this guy's going to punch me now. I also felt like— He definitely hated you. He threw the cigarette away. I know, but he's cursing you in his head. You should have kept it going. You should have, now kiss me.

Yeah, where does it end? You should now kiss me, dude. See how far I can get. When I see people doing stuff that feels objectively wrong, I like getting into it. Really? Really. How many white supremacist marches have you stopped but that's the thing i'm not like going out of my way it's not like this big moral thing

where i'm like i am you know batman standing up for the people that need to and i'll be the bad guy yeah just if i see something it's like what the fuck are you i was on the plane and somebody farted it happens but for 45 minutes every like five or so minutes, it happened probably eight times. Yeah. And at a certain point, I'm like, what the fuck? And I know I handled that wrong. I know I handled it wrong. But I said, oh, what the fuck?

Yeah. And the flight attendant came over and knew what I was talking about and brought spray. He goes, I'm so sorry. Whoa. Once this person leaves, I'll go in the bathroom. I go, it's not from the bathroom it's one of these people this is like a knives out movie right here this is great but like what are you doing so like the the the motivation you ever doing something and you're excited and then you lose motivation part of the craft is well you

keep doing the joke anyway or you keep writing the thing anyway but like that's part of the crap is, well, you keep doing the joke anyway, or you keep writing the thing anyway. But that's part of the process. I don't feel that way with this kind of shit. Once I'm no longer invested, I'm out. But in a moment when... Stop. Stop doing that. Well, the problem with the farting is you'll never get the culprit. It's an invisible crime. Are they?

What, are you going to sniff everybody's crotch? You could. I guess. It was this person. And the person in front of me. You knew it. I'll tell you how I knew that. Please. Because I can't be positive, but it was happening.

It was so strong and on planes, like, it doesn't smell as much a few seats back. Sure. Would you concede this? Have you noticed this before? Sure, yeah. It was one of these things, and there was a lot of space between us. And when I said, and I looked over at these people, the other person, they could have been a great actor, but the other person was just going. And they knew.

And this person didn't acknowledge, and they heard it. Also. Big guy? Fat? Just a regular looking dad. Okay, okay. A dad fart is a doozy. And the dad was holding a child who, again, I i'm not good with ages but we'll say give or

take a year three 38 and there's some turbulence and the kid i didn't see but from the the thing uh fell on the ground the dad of the kid kid fell on the ground jesus the kid was crying a little and picked him up how how old is this kid three maybe three Maybe three. I mean, a toddler, I think. Three. Two. And then picked up the kid and then was like looking around and in turn went like this. Hit the kid's, hit the head's kid on the thing. And I'm already thinking like, this guy, this is the flirt-er.

This guy is unaware and inconsiderate. He doesn't care. That's his own kid he would do that to. What would he do to i'll tell you what he would get some out the fuck down take some ib guard because it was stinky yeah and when i get it when adrenaline goes up i'm i'm i'm into like i feel this way in the podcast sometimes i've had some episodes where it gets a little confrontational yeah because and it's like great go. What would you do if the guy talked shit back to you? I... Let's go a different way with that scene where Mark is my kid.

Maybe he's not my kid in this scene. Let's try it one more time. Let's see what you would actually do here. All right. Can I ask a favor of you? Sure. Because I want to play this real. Could you not heighten as quickly?

Of course. To be like, oh, I rate my son. It's like, all right. Well, then what the fuck? Okay. Make it a little bit believable. I made a choice. And the like, oh, I rape my son. It's like, alright, well then what the fuck? Okay. I made a choice and the fact that you can't accept that choice. I'm not your mom, dude. Oh! What

the fuck, dude? What the fuck? Alright. He's not the farter. Play the music. Okay. Back off, mom. Thank you. Back off. Alright. Uh-oh. Pulling out the knife. May not be your mother. back off mom thank you back off alright uh oh

pulling out the knife I may not be your mother but I am your biological father and the reason I left your mother was because I felt judged and I'm sorry that by leaving her, I left you.

I think about it every day. He doesn't have a mustache. Oh, because of you, though. You just carry a mustache with you. I'm a prop comic now. That was great. The fact that you've been walking around New York City with that in your pocket is hilarious. What if I need to buy a fake ID?

Yeah, good point. All right, go ahead. Do it. All right, so now... I don't know if you need to be a certain age to good point all right go ahead do it all right so now you need to be a certain age to buy the fake based on no other is that never mind no i'm making myself look older so because people who sell fake ids they want to make sure you're still of age really i thought there's a whole point of the fake id unless you're a migrant yeah it was just i see sorry continue uh all right so wait the farting guy really got you let's we want to take this

one more time one more time even you're rolling your eyes one more time i understand one more time mark is now in this scene mark uh is the black playing the black child okay it's not i was built to play is not my son are you ready yeah it's a it was a son it was a boy and a girl it was two kids okay but you were playing both the black boy and the black girl. Black kid. Okay. You ready? Oh, yeah.

That's a good one right there. Yeehaw. I'm in the water. Yee-haw. I'm all wet. Oh, yeah. Excuse me. You are what?

Sir, what's going on? I'm so sorry. I see you're feeling something. Are you guys together? I'm a photographer. And are you? I'm so sorry. I see you're feeling something. Are you guys together? I'm a photographer. And are you? I'm a little black kid. I'm just taking, do you have a problem with photography?

I'm trying to. Do you know them? Have you seen a photographer? They take pictures of things on the street. Without asking. Do I know a building back there? Without their parents' permission, I'm going to, you got to stop doing that, man. Oh, no, I'm not i'm gonna

get you now oh because you don't support the arts and you won't let me pursue my passion with the photography bitch you don't know me yeah i'll get out of here that's really fucked up dude back off back yep officer this man won't let me photograph these black kids. You're the cop. You're the cop. Uh-oh. Popo's gone. What's going on here? Hey. New York's finest, baby. Wow. I got you good. You didn't know what to do.

This is the Lord Michaels. Yeah. You didn't know what to do. You guys ever auditioned for SNL? No. No. Yeah. When you were first starting out, was that a thing that you thought you wanted to do?

I would have taken anything. Yeah. No, I would have loved to do Weekend Update at some point, but that's the only thing I would have done. Your mom would have liked that. Oh. Well, she would. Back off, dude. Wow.

Your mom would like that because you get to sit in a suit. You get to swirl scotch. Do you think your mom would like you better if you wore a suit on stage? I'm still doing the same material, but that would probably class it up. Yeah. I don't know. I think the suit can look really cool. I mean, I'm producing Gary Veeder's special,

and I got him a sick suit. Oh, you went mom on him. I went mom on him. I was like, because he does all one-liners, so I thought it would be a cool look for a one-liner comic. You know what you should do?

It should be tight on him, the whole thing, but then the last 15 minutes, you reveal why, that he's just naked. That's good, dude. Wait, what do you mean? It should be tight on him, the whole thing. But then the last 15 minutes, you reveal why, that he's just naked. That's good, dude. Wait, what do you mean? Oh, tight on the face.

And you can call the bottoms up. Naked might be even better. I'm trying to find the pic of it. I see. Yeah, you could call it Gary Vader raw and uncensored. There you go. Bears all. Yeah.

I can't find the picture. I'll find it later. I've seen it. He looks great in a suit. He's so cute. Cute and little. Yeah, there is suit confidence. I've gone on stage in a suit a few times when I was wearing a suit for something and then I had a show.

Yeah. And there is something about the suit confidence where like if it weren't for me not wanting to wear a suit all the time, I would do it. Yeah. It's annoying. Dry cleaning and all that stuff. Also, like you wear the same. How many suits do you want me to have? Yeah.

Right. But like there is something that they cast the audience casts you as something that i feel is very beneficial where you could lean into the classy or you could be you know like the antithesis of it but either way it serves a purpose yeah like stanhope will wear like funny blazers and stuff you know oh yeah he's got the zoot suit the weird orange a weird orange and patterns. We should start wearing suits on stage. Yeah. And you don't have to think about your outfit. You just pick the suit up, put it on.

It looks good. Women, I think, really like a guy in a suit. Women love a suit. Is that true? Yeah. They did a poll, and it said the way women feel about a nice tailored suit is how men feel about lingerie. Yeah, dude. You put that suit on, all the pussies are gonna be wet at the rick glassman show bro

i have to say and i'm in a relationship and i'm not even looking toward this and i'm not even the funniest person in the i'm funniest one of the it doesn't matter i have found that a lot of uh and they tell me like girls usually like they do get wet during my shows oh really yeah what do you put a towel down on all the seats, or how does that work? No, it's just... I have this bit I came up with where I smash a watermelon in the front. That's good stuff.

Never heard of that. Yeah. You guys Gallagher fans? He had some good wordplay. I never got into it. He got a bad rap with the Sledge-o-matic and the hair and the hat and the whole thing. But his wordplay is pretty great.

I mean, a clip went viral like a week ago. It already has like 20 million views. And it's clever as shit. I mean, I don't know if it's your cup of jizz, but it is clever. I just remember before I was into comedy and I knew comedians. Like as a kid, I knew Gallagher. Right, we all did. And I remember I used to think I was into comedy and I knew comedians. Like as a kid, I knew Gallagher. Right, we all did. And I remember I used to think it was really funny.

But I can't think of one joke. The bald with the long hair is such a bad look. It's a bad look. Russ Meneve used to have a great joke. You ever see a bald guy with a ponytail? It looks like all his hair got together and hung itself. Well, I don't know if you're going to find the exact clip. It's all over YouTube.

But some dweeb posted it, and it just went viral immediately because it still holds up. And I'm not saying it's the funniest shit ever. It's not N-Words versus black people. Who's the funniest comedian ever? I don't know, Rodney maybe? I don't know. Dangerfield's hard to beat for me.

He walks in the room and you're already smiling. Yeah, he's good. That scene in Easy Money when he's singing, Fel felicula felicula it's just insane it's like he's just singing but it's funny i did a movie with uh an unbelievable rodney impersonator oh really unbelievable sounded like him knew all of his jokes and it just crushed wow he was just crushing yeah great jokes yeah yeah you're. He walks in the room. It's funny because he's a fat, ugly guy who's confident and extremely happy. And that combination is...

Is he ugly? What are you kidding? He's a ghoul. Look at the photo. Look at that. He's a wacky looking guy. I mean, he talks about it. Type in Rodney Dangerfield good looking picture.

Look at that. He just looks like a guy to me. Well, he's no Adonis. He looks like a comedian. Good looking. He just looks like a guy to me. Well, he's no Adonis. He looks like a comedian. Good looking. He looks all right. I mean, even there he looks like hell. He's a gargoyle.

I'll tell you, I'll tell you, it was ugly. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. How does that make you feel? Bad. Makes you feel fucking bad. How long were you breastfeeding? Rodney in therapy.

I'm sure there's a video. He can't crack how does it make me feel you should have seen me last week my doctor doctor I asked for his

second opinion he said hey you're ugly too if you had to do an SNL audition and do impressions what would be your three impressions

you gotta know Rodney Rodney would be I don't do impressions who would you do I had I did submit one and if you want I could send it to you

to put it in I did one where I did Jada Pink and Smith what do you do? I did submit one, and if you want, I could send it to you to put it in. I did one where I did Jada Pinkett Smith. What do you do? Hey, go slap him. We'll cut to a clip. It was before that stuff. This was like 12 years ago. Oh.

I did Denzel Washington. When I get finished with y'all, you've been playing basketball and pelican bang. 23-hour lockdown. I'm the man up in this beast. You've never seen a life. Who the fuck do you think you're messing with? I'm the police up in here. You don't just live here.

Keep calling God shit on me. Get up! Get going, God shit on me! I did a... You don't like to get wet, though, huh? Primo, Angel Dust, PCP. Training day? Yeah, I did a different training day. Oh, okay.

Okay, wow. I'm noticing a trend in some of your pics. I did a Brad Garrett. Oh, okay, there we go. Oh. Oh, Raymond. the big three yeah yeah yeah exactly do you do a good denzel um i don't i used to i practice a lot well well i would i'll send it you we'll put a put a moment of it in pipe it in

yeah all right wow that's a that's a clay like james adomian he did like great impressions of really kind of obscure people yeah although those aren't too obscure, but Pinkett. It was good. All right. The Jada Pinkett was good. I'd have to see it. Did you think, if you were to make it on here, were you planning on going blackface for the thing? I didn't put out blackface.

You don't have to do blackface. When you do Rodney Dangerfield, you don't have to put on a suit. I know, but isn't it weird for just a white guy to come out and do jada pinkett yeah i mean they didn't book me did you shave your head no okay so it's just you but you're doing her voice kind of cut to the jada pickett smith one now imagine if you've gotten hired and then the will smith thing happened they'd be like thank god we hired this guy we could pull him out of the closet and let him do this one thing he does everyone at home watching is like that's not jada smith right right yeah but you don't have to make them believe

you are that it just has to be enough of a thing for them to believe that reality and then you get to like live in that ironic space right but usually on snl they look like the person they throw the costume put a wig on me okay all right now we're getting somewhere yeah you. Put a wig on me. Okay. All right. Now we're getting somewhere. Yeah, you could put a wig on me. Lose the glasses. Yeah. Okay. Oh, now I see it. Oh, yeah.

Kind of a goose. Yeah. All right. What about you? What would your impressions be? Well, I just learned I could do RFK. That's one. That's good.

Thank you. I could do Donald Duck. That's pretty good.'s good. Thank you. I can do Donald Duck. That's pretty good. You can do an elephant. Where do I sign? Good stuff, boy. All right. A couple animals.

There's no animals on the cast, I've noticed. So somebody's got to do it. How about an owl? Woo, woo, woo. All right. These sketches are going to write themselves. Yeah, this is good stuff. You were a bird on mine once.

I was a bird? Yeah. Oh, wait, what was that? I don't remember, but, you know. You made me into a bird on your animation? Yeah, you said you wanted to do. I wanted to be a pigeon. Oh, it was a pigeon.

We're talking about what animal I would be. One time Whitney said there should be like an animated show where I voice a pigeon. Oh, it was a pigeon. We're talking about what animal I would be. One time Whitney said there should be like an animated show where I voice a pigeon. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah. She's like, you should be like a pigeon talking about living in the city and complaining. Yeah, a grizzled New York pigeon. Yeah. I like that.

What animal would you... Maybe, what, a ferret? Let's throw some Warby Parkers on a ferret and we got it. Come on. That felt anti-Semitic. No, no. No, it didn't. That would be more of a rat.

I guess they're both rodents. Hold on. What would you be? Maybe an otter. Otter? Yes. Gay with little hair. That's what gays call,

you're an otter in the gay world. An anteater? You know those restaurants where they're mean to you? Yes. I love those. Is that what it is? that's what gays call you're an otter in the gay world an anteater you know those restaurants where they're like they're mean to you yes i love that what it is oh you know what'd be fun is to is to three of us to be waiters at that restaurant you film it you know hidden camera style and uh see if because those people they do jokes and they i don't know how good they are how funny they are but like for us to like go as hard as possible.

It's personality-driven there. It's more sass. There's a burger place called Paul's, and there's a waitress who's kind of like that. Oh, I remember Paul's. But it's supposed to be that? Yeah. No, it's not. But she's just kind of sassy.

But it works. It's fun. But yeah. But the Dicks is the one where they're like, they come to your table, and they drop it down. They're like, hurry up and order. They're like, me? Yeah, yeah. But I'd love to do that where it's like uh hey you know here order something for me hey you guys order something all right i'm gonna get the milkshake and the cheeseburger okay oh jeez, I didn't want the mayo. Wow, jeez. Oh, boy.

You didn't take my order. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I your mommy? Am I your mommy? Woo, doggie. There you go. Now he's coming. If this was six years ago, would have i would have uh for the joke i know i would have

really like hit and pushed and done stuff because i thought you guys would have thought it was funny yeah and uh i'm really proud of myself for not really doing anything too aggressive there you didn't hide wow yeah good for you good stuff we've gotten we've grown up i used to want to wrestle uh when kids would come over when i was younger you went too far yeah they stopped coming over yeah i was that kid you paralyzed a kid no but i would talk about it talk about the kid you killed i did make a kid pass out in my basement really we were wrestling i put him in a choke hold uh and you made him pass out and he's so scared because i know that was a thing he just fell oh what's going on like it's okay he just passed out and i was scared and he woke up i don't remember like 20 seconds or 10

seconds later or something two years later and he was like mommy yeah now that kid's in therapy yeah yeah maybe but he was a really fast dribbler i remember yeah go real low and dribble real he was dribbling when you choked him yeah but why did you choke him out just you i thought we were wrestling and like that's what you do and and like i you just we're wrestling and i would and we also my brother really like he got boxing gloves in and uh the box in the basement and like his older friends and that some of them like to do it but when i was boxed used to love it really that was fun yeah um we did wrestling no we didn't box that's um yeah and then then like uh lightsaber fights where i would ask them to chore like i want to choreograph a fight and like i don't want to and

and i was like no no you'll trust me you'll have a good time yeah all right and then they didn't come over again ah damn fuck you're up that'll fuck up your childhood but it sounds like you got a little rage in you there fatty no it felt like uh it's what i love about basketball so much i think we talked about this once where like i love being aggressive and playing that way like it doesn't feel like anger it feels like connection to me oh interesting like talking shit you know like when you talk shit with somebody like and you go harder and harder some people might be like fuck you and like triggered. Or it's just like it's a competitive, it's just,

I've always loved being physical and I just love it. But you take it too far sometimes. That's what you said. Yeah, I took it too far a fair amount of times. And you yelled at the guy on the airplane with the baby.

I didn't yell at him. I just said, what the fuck? It was so bad. I nearly took it. I nearly, I went after a woman behind me. It was so bad. I nearly took it. I went after a woman behind me. It's air justice, I look at it. Air justice.

What a movie. You have to be civilized when you're around other people. It's such a peeve of mine is enclosed spaces, and someone acts like it's their fucking home. It's unacceptable. I would like you to have merch called Air Justice and it's a silhouette of you like this, but your posture is a little, you know, like this.

And you have your hair on it instead of the bald head. I like it. That's good. That's not a joke on your posture. It was more of a Jewish overall thing. I see. Whatever, dude. What did the person on the plane behind you do

that made you... She was gabbing like it was- This happens a lot. People get drunk on a- I think I told this story already on the pod. I'll tell a short version. People, they act like it's their home. She was apparently-

I mean, she was going loud like, scream laughing right behind my- Was she watching something? No, she was talking to a guy who- I thought they were flirting and hitting it off, but it turns out he was probably annoyed as fuck oh i'm sure she was like kind of a hot older woman stage mom it turns out which shocker how it turns out because i saw you tweeting something about it yeah yeah yeah because some guy behind me i guess knew who i was and he saw my tweet where i was like god this fucking human behind what he said i say yeah he

wrote he wrote he wrote something like, Sam Morrell just told me to fuck off. And I said, no, I told the woman. I responded like, no, I was telling the woman sitting next to you to stop talking so loud. I was like, you know, it was pretty reasonable how I responded. I was like, miss, you got to keep it down.

That's what I said. Good for you. Yeah. Would you be able to do that? No, no, not in a million years. I'd give her one of these. Right, and hope that that satisfied her. Hope that did hope that did now when you say that are you nervous or you feel like i would i i needed to and uh everyone around me was like give me a look like like oh that's cool we were on a flight once cross country to uh seattle it was me gary veder and brian who's

my tour manager and brian has no fear talking shit to people we all kind of veder will do the same thing yeah there's a woman behind me and she won't she's piss drunk she gets cut off by the guy she's she's just screaming and it's one of the things where i said it to the i said to them and the guy she's screaming to the point where i'm like dude shut the fuck up it's insane the the people in the front were annoyed and uh he's like miss you've had too much to drink i'm sorry i can't give you which by the way that's a sign right yeah so i turn around and i finally she's screaming and both me and we're looking at each other like i can't i have noise canceling headphones on i'm hearing you so i go i go you

gotta keep it down right and the guy gives me a look like okay but then at the same time he goes he goes we weren't being loud and i go you were and then he goes because one of these like i could see him like bubbling with rage like furious that i just told him to keep it down inconsiderate people have no idea no idea about what they're doing so then how do you get mad some people truly don't know and i could tell you i've been in as i'm sure you can imagine a fair amount of positions where people have said to me hey yeah and my instinct is usually like oh that's what i've been no me too but that's that is my problem is not just that it's the then the afterwards because then she just keeps doing it and then gary realizes it's his turn and he goes lady enough

and then i can see him and then g And then Gary's another New York guy. He'll fucking do that. And then Brian sees that we're losing it and Brian's on the other side of her. So Brian, the tour manager, Brian Hubbard, who I love, basically he gets annoyed with her. She kicks a bottle in his direction, like just no manners.

And he goes, you're trash lady you're trash and it's going on now and then of course she pulls the thing that's next door he's sitting next to her he's and they're both aisle so then he does the uh when when we land finally after we all fucking lose on the the flight attendant's like i'm so sorry he hates her too what are you gonna do i feel bad he's gotta deal with her yeah so then we land she's a thing like do you guys hate me oh now i do it's like what do you want out of this interaction yeah what do you think what do you want from us she wants you to not hate her yeah play the play the music lead him in with you guys hate me do you guys hate me I don't hate just you. I hate everything you represent. You're an inconsiderate twat.

You probably had a horrible, horrible father. Bad mother, too, I would guess. You never grew out of it. You never got the attention you seeked. That's why on a flight you're so loud that everyone around you has to hear the most mundane thoughts you think are interesting. So you drink yourself into a stupor. Nothing I like less than a drunk who can't handle their shit. Learn how to drink if you're going to drink.

Be a civilized fucking adult. Don't ruin my flight and don't make it so I can't watch the movie Tomcat starring Jerry O'Connell on this flight. Okay, well, I guess you do hate me then. Now I'm going to kill myself. Thanks a lot, comedian guy. Funny man causes death on Seattle flight. Air justice. Coming to CNN this fall.

I had a peeve. I worked on a peeve. He's got a peeve. Any peeve? Any peeves? You guys have any peeves? That was intense. You know, my dad was talking to me the other day.

I forgot you guys do this because he said I got a whole bunch of pet peeves. My dad podcasts together sometimes. Really? Yeah. And a fair amount, actually. Wow. And I was talking to him about they might want to move and get a place in California. And we're talking about money.

I'm like, I'll give you my Patreon. And why don't you just do it? And he was like, I think maybe I want to do one where I just talk about all my pet peeves. Hey. So I don't know what they were Rhymes his gear, but I'm gonna get him on the horn. All right Yeah, I've met him. He's a smooth cool. Dude owns a rug store out in Cleveland If you're looking for just the right flooring, you need choices. And at Marshall Carpet One, you'll find thousands of choices. Including carpet, hardwood, rugs, and luxury vinyl.

So make the right choice and visit Marshall Carpet One and Rug Gallery. And we promise, with more than 50 years as a family-owned business, we've got you covered! I miss you so much already that I'm home and you're not here. I miss you too, but... Go ahead. I was just at home.

I'm on a podcast with one guy who has no relationship with his dad and the other one, his mom judges him. Sam Morrell and Mark Norman. Very different fathers. Hey, Mr. Glassman. Those two guys need no introduction even with this 70-year-old shoe.

Oh, I love this guy. I wish you were my dad. Hands off, dude. Sorry, sorry. He's a dilf um so they end their podcast all the time with pet peeves and and i know you have a whole bunch of them yeah okay well here's my lady all right all right here we go guys so you know when someone is on their phone or something go you got to see to see this. They want to show you a video. They want to show you an Instagram post.

They want to show you a text, right? And they go, you got to see this. So, okay, I drop everything I'm doing and I go over to see it. And it takes them five minutes to find the fucking thing. That's a great one. Okay. I hate that. Great peeve.

You got another one? We like that peeve. I love it, Dave. I'm going to go off his peeve for a second. I'm going off that for a second because I love that. I had a guy in the street. Love when someone says, hey, I love your comedy. Can I take a pic?

Always happy to do it. Dad, could you hear? Yeah, I can hear. But this guy, this is a classic thing. They can't figure out their fucking phone. Oh, classic. How hard is it? I can figure out your phone.

Yes. The guy's like, oh. You don't need to unlock it. Oh, what do you've never taken a picture i know i know you ever take someone else's phone to do it for him i've done it yeah when they take it too long i'm like oh give it to me and i do the selfie yeah yeah the worst is when they gotta flip it around they're like how do i make it not look at that thing over there look at it me and i'm like just push the flip around button it's right there look at this dad we're part of the it. Me. And I'm like, just push the flip around button. It's right there. Look at this dad.

We're part of the game now. Yeah, I know it. So here, here's another one. I love this. And you guys, you're in the city,

so you don't drive that much. Okay. But use your fucking turn signal. Yeah. Here, here. Well, these are great.

I think you've got a podcast on your hands there, Mr. Glassy. Listen, guys, I. That's what you're there for. I think you've got a podcast on your hands there, Mr. Glassie. Listen, guys, I'm moving to Palm Desert next year, and I need supplemental income in order to do it. Will you guys go on my dad's Patreon at some point? I will, yeah. I don't know where Palm Desert is. Well, you'll do it on the phone.

I'll zoom in, pops. All right, Dad, you just got yourself some big guests on your Patreon. Those are big guests, and I'm ready for it. Thanks, dudes. in, pops. All right, Dad. You just got yourself some big guests on your Patreon. Those are big guests, and I'm ready for it. Thanks, dudes. Thanks, dudes. Thank you, Dad. All right. Bye-bye.

Oh, is there anything you want to plug? You got some dates? Any deals on the carpets? Here's the title. How about What Chaps the Ass of Mr. Glass? I did get a great offer from HBO. Oh, yeah? What's the deal?

$9.95 a month. Yes! We must say that's an Amir joke that we do all the time. Oh, okay. I thought he came up with that. Talk to you later. Bye. Oh, no, that's not an Amir joke.

That's Frasier Smith. And we told that joke once with Amir mirror what's the joke uh he goes uh uh uh i'm really excited guys things are going well i just got a uh i just got a new deal for me with hbo yeah and they applaud yeah and then you know that's funny you know 20 whatever the month yeah that's good that's good all right yeah liam mcanin used to have a joke all back in the day where we'd say uh I just signed a deal with Disney, and everyone would clap and go that I have to stay 500 feet from their parking lot. Ah, nice.

Another misdirect. What happened to that guy? I heard you got too close to Disney. There you go. Turns out that wasn't a joke. Yeah, it did. Which is the name of my special. You got the puss in boots.

Turns out there's no jokes i don't know i've seen a few of those they're out there i gotta i got another peeve if you guys are ready can i can i give another peeve yeah i got a thing happening and this is summer new york so it'll happen uh frequently to conserve they conserve air conditioning in certain old new york buildings and they just conserve it so i'll just wake up covered in sweat like what the fuck and then they're like i'll get an email the next day like we had to conserve air just so it doesn't black out because these are like old units right but you're like you know what conserving it means i don't have air

yeah that means there's no air and i'm fucking sweating wow in the middle of the night too when you're not expecting it that's fucked up I'm not expecting them at all and I do you Mark no that's when they get you you know the one good thing is I felt like I was coming down with something this weekend and I

feel like I sweated out it's a good thing that's a thing you're supposed to do when you're not feeling well that's why kids in sweatshops never get sick is that true oh yeah those iphones you keep on a pumping and nikes i don't think they get sick days that's true too i don't think they're like you know what i'm not going to come in today i think they probably yeah that's another thing that like if i were walking around and then I saw kids being forced to do this type of work, I would need to do something. But I know it's happening.

Let's act it out right now. Mark's a kid. No, none of these act outs aren't playing. I'll do it because the act outs aren't playing today. They're working, buddy. All right. So what's going on here? I'm the kid.

I'm using my little Chinese fingers. Can I at least get my point out before this act out? Okay. Sure. What I'm saying is, but like knowing it's happening, I'm not, I'm still using an iPhone. I'm not doing anything. So like, I think it's wrong and I would do something if it was in front of me, I think. Sure.

But like knowing it's happening, it's like, I don't, like if I saw Lizzo go up to another dancer. I don't care about Lizzo. Oh boy. What I'm saying, if I saw it, if I were there and Lizzo goes up to another dancer. I don't care about Lizzo. Oh, boy. What I'm saying, if I saw it, if I were there, and Lizzo goes up to somebody and grabs her tits and be like, dance, bitch. I would be like, Lizzo, what are you doing? Yeah.

But now I hear that it's happening. It's like, I don't know. It's none of my, it doesn't, I'm not in, it doesn't concern me right now. You're what we call a proximity activist. Yeah. It's got to be right in your vicinity. Yeah. So if you were alive in the 1940s and you read about the Holocaust, you wouldn't care.

Okay. First of all, there's a difference between not caring and not doing anything about it. Okay. So you're saying you wouldn't do anything about the Holocaust. I would take people in, but I'm not enlisting. Well, that would require travel. Yeah. It's proximity.

Yeah. I'm not. I'm not. You know what? i better go take arms no but like no legs but if you know if like if the underground railroad was happening around me and then the subway and people were like hey have you seen patriot which by the way i re-watched the first i just re-watched the first act recently. I just re-watched it, too. Holy shit. Now, he's an anti-Semite I could get behind. Yeah. That is a movie, man. This guy fucking likes What Women Want, too.

That's a turd of a film. That's right. That was our first argument. That's a great... Our first argument. I also like Nancy Meyers. What Women Want is a solid rom-com. Eh.

It's a solid rom-com. The premise is great. Every guy's wanting to know what a woman's thinking. I know what they're thinking. Damn. What's going on with that guy? look at that mopping curls but uh uh patriot when when uh spoiler alert kind of when when the something happens to one of his sons yeah and they grab the heat ledger's character and go and he has to get his other two little boys and he goes and we don't we don't know

who his character is yet he's a badass badass. Yeah, and he fought like dirty. He fought like with axes and in the woods, not the straight up you shoot, we shoot. And he just went and they called him the ghost. Have you seen this movie? I haven't seen it. Bro, I'm on the plane watching it. I've seen it so many times

and out loud I'm going, holy shit. It's basically John Wick in colonial times. Yes. It's so good. It's fun. Yes. It's so good. It's fun to watch. It's a dude flick with history and axes. And he has his little boys like, listen, you follow your older brother. And his older brother is probably like 13.

The younger one is like 10 or so. And you know, I'm not great with ages. And then they go in the trees and they set the guns. And he goes. And they're doing the throw in the air. And then the kids, there was just this dad. They don't know anything about him And then they see him just like fucking go into town and there's the blood is coming up

And they're just and then just the shot he's going nuts And because it one of his kids just spoiler alert got shot and killed and you never saw this in him And then you just see all the sons including the adult one that just like they never seen this before and it's just a Goosebumps right now you just see them like this. R.L. Stine. Like they can't believe what just happened. Well, this is you. One more fart happens on a JetBlue flight. You're going full Gibson on someone's ass with two axes, body spray.

What I'm saying is if there's soldiers coming around here and people need protection, there's a decent chance I'm going to be at least you could hide in here. But I'm not taking a flight. I get it. Yeah, I was just trying to bait you. I wouldn't either. Well, you're a masturbator. I'll tell you that. Yeah, that was a great rant there, too.

And we got a pro Gibson Jew over here, which is rare. Well, pro Patreon, pro What Women Want, and pro Daddy's Home, too. And pro Payne. Yeah. I do like Beavis and Butthead. What's that guy's name? Beavis. No, what's that? Butthead. You's that guy's name? Beavis. No.

Butthead. You know the guy that did... Mike Judge? Mike Judge. Yeah, but the King of the Hill man. Oh, Hank Hill. Did you guys see Daddy's Home 2? No.

Is it good? What is this? The thumbs down edition of Siskel? You give us all these horse shit movies. Daddy's Home 2? Have you seen it? Daddy's Home 2? No, I didn't see the first one.

I couldn't understand the second one. Comment in here only if you've seen it. Daddy's Home 2 with Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg Oh, I thought it was I'm thinking of Boss Baby. No, it's legitimately He thought he was plugging Boss Baby on here.

Oh, it's another Gibson. John Lithgow and Mel Gibson play the parents of Walt Whitman. That's a great guy. A guy who goes on adult podcasts. You haven't seen Boss Baby 2? Are you fucking kidding me? That's actually a fun podcast just around Boss Baby. And when he goes on other podcasts, that's all he talks about.

Kobe Bryant's in this? Welcome to the Boss Baby cast here, guys. This is legitimately very, very funny. Why did no one talk about it? Great cast. It's great. It's a great movie. Go to Hit the Rotten Tomatoes.

Who's in the first one? I'm curious. I want the audience score. Wahlberg and Will Ferrell. Okay, got it. I'm telling you, Kobe Bryant. Go down. There he is.

Go up. Yeah, you're right. Kobe Bryant. Pull up the Rotten Tomatoes. Bill Burr. I don't remember any of that. Bill Burr's in it. Yeah, Bill Burr's played a patron in a movie theater.

Oh, what a cast. Liz Gow's great. Thumbs down on me just because you haven't heard of it yet. It's got a fat 21% on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, a lot of comedies in a fat 21%. Go to the audience score. That's what I want to know. 75%.

75% by the audience. That's pretty good. That's a C+. 51%. Look at me. Look at me. John Cena. I'm telling you, this movie is very funny.

Maybe I'll give it a shot. All right, we'll give it a shot. I'm on a plane tomorrow. What do you think? It's all right. Oh, shit. He liked the first one. Be honest.

If he wasn't here, if I just said before he built it up like this, I was like, what do you think of Daddy's Home 2? What would you say? Really? What do you think of Patriot? You know who's never heard Daddy's Home? All right. Do you have a pet peeve you want to get out or no? No, we got to go.

This has been, we got a place to be. We're rocking, buddy. I got a show in 50 minutes. Where? Where's your show? New York Comedy Club. Oh, fuck that. It takes 10 minutes to get there

Alright well I'd like to prepare But yeah Oh there it is We got the trailer Oh that's pretty good Alright I'm in That's all I needed I'm sold

But uh Oh thank you Collect all five I look pretty cool as Venom here. Yeah, that's a good pick. Nice. I got the abs. I got a little guy on my shoulder.

Who's that guy? I always have a goblin in every card because that's my mascot. Oh, fun. So the goblin takes on different forms. Okay. So I get one of each? Yeah. Same. Thank you.

If you like these, not many people are collectors. I am, but if you are, I'll be happy to send you a set. They're all very cool. All right. All right. But we just had the Workaholics. They're all fantastic four. It's awesome.

Oh, fun. Who's the invisible woman? Anders. Adam Devine. No, he's the thing. He was on uh theo's pod it was a great listen yeah i was listening to a clip i always said marvel movies killed the uh oh yeah that's great little comedies let me see and if you swipe you can see the card version oh yeah right there wow now look at the top one where you see all of them together well that's pretty cool aren't

those cool very cool you got elon musk in the bottom right that's not bad does look like elon musk oh yeah um all right boys all right plug some stuff man do you get yes oh i thought we were done we got a plug um just take your shoes off podcast or my instagram or glass or whatever you know great great pod one of the most fun pods. Oh, Santino. That's cool. Oh, Santino looks great. I love that. Yeah, Sabretooth and Toad. Go to the full picture of it.

Isn't that cool? Oh, my God. Scott Hepburn draws these. He's a Marvel illustrator. He's fucking incredible. Wow. He's incredible. Oh, Eric Gribble looks great.

Oh, that's perfect. Go back to Vegas Dads. Click that one. That's my dad and my cousin Teddy and Uncle Bob and stuff. Made of Dragon Ball Z, guys. That's what your dad does look like. Wow, they captured it. Cool, right?

Very cool. Anyway, thanks for having me. I'm sure you guys will leave a lot of this in. So thanks to the audience for your patience. For those of you who finished, we had a lot of downbeats. But I'll tell you something. I only see you guys when we do this stuff. I would love to see you more. Well, hit me up, finished. We had a lot of downbeats, but I'll tell you something. I only see you guys when we do this stuff. I would love to see you more.

Well, hit me up, man. It was a pleasure doing business. I'll be going to get some pastrami sandwiches coming to the city once or twice a week to get a sandwich. I'll let you know

if you're in town. Please. I would love to get a sandwich with you. Yeah, man. The edits on your pod are incredible. You see, like, the edits on my pod,

you should check out Sarge's Deli. A lot of people are at Cat's deli and sarge's is good mark and i have been to sarge's it's my favorite pastrami in the city okay really yeah you go brown mustard i don't do mustard you know what i do i uh i get a potato pancake and i dip it in applesauce oh the whole thing about it's fucking weird dude i got you know i got my quirks that's fucked up but i'll tell you something what the fuck? I take a green pill when I'm doing that. You better believe it.

That'll really get a race war going. You better take a blue pill if you ever want to see your dick get hard again after eating that food right there. Don't take a red pill. You'll be on Andrew Tate's pod. You guys are really good at what you do. Oh, come on. Well, I'm off the pill.

You know, let me tell you something your mother has never told you. Oh, God. I wouldn't do what you do because that's not who I am, but I really respect what you do and I think you're very good at it. No, she does. I was fucking around. She's very good. She's a fan. She writes jokes. She comes to shows. No, no. I did a thing during the pandemic where I would bounce piss plants.

Those are actually hers. You took them out. I'm not going to get the feeling when they're inside her, so I just get my fix in now. Is that real? You got your mom a breast... Bought my mom some titties. He's a good son. What was the most expensive thing you bought a member of your family? Geez, I don't know. I gave my brother

a kidney. Is that real? Well, actually, I fucked that up. I took his kid. Wait a minute. This is a completely different thing. What are you doing with a kid? You like this? You check out more episodes of Are We Drunk? Next week we have on comedian. We might be drunk.

We have on comedian Bill Bellamy. When is this? Bethlehem in York, Pennsylvania this weekend. I got Toronto, JFL, September 21st, Chicago Theater, September 30th, Phoenix. Fucking all over the place. And you had just played over Madison Square. How'd that go? That's November.

Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Indianapolis. That's a home turf. I'll be there. Where are you playing? The Mimi Ohio Theater. Mimi. I'm so narcissistic. Mimi, Mimi, Mimi.

Do you know that venue? I don't, but I'm so narcissistic. Me, me, me, me, me. Do you know that venue? I don't, but I'm sure. Cleveland, after New York, is the biggest theater. Because Broadway's first stop when they tour is Cleveland. It's a very big theater district. I went to see a show there once. They have really old, beautiful, cool theaters. So I'm not sure which one that is, but I bet you it's awesome.

God, what did I see there? It was like a one-time-y play. I was just playing Hilarities this past weekend, and I don't remember who it was, but somebody there said that they love you there, and they want you to come back, but I think he's too big to do that now. You can pop in for a night. I might pop in. I love Nick and Sam and everyone at Hilarities.

Good eggs over there. It's one of the best clubs in the country. Great. Great food. Great. Just going to say, great food. And they're not shy about giving it away either they're great yeah they're great dudes there's your broadway it's just a classic it's a classic club yeah it's like that's cool man that's so cool that you guys play theaters and the big one is the msg theater november 4th new

york city motherfuckers come out hell. We'll see you all in hell. I'll be in Europe when this comes out. So come out Lisbon, Dublin, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Glasgow, Berlin, Manchester, London, Birmingham, Antwerp.

Come on. It's going to be a whopper. Say hello. Queef it up. I'm coming to D.C. Come on. It's going to be a whopper. Say hello. Queef it up. I'm coming to D.C. Hershey. What else we got? Cincinnati.

Louisville. Chesterville. Missouri. Springfield, Missouri. All kinds of fun stuff. Oklahoma City. Dallas. Portland.

Providence. Cleveland. Where am I in Cleveland? The Agora. I've been there before. It's fun. Denver. Denver. Denver. Denver. Grand Rapids Grand Junction, Mobile, Alabama NOLA, hello

Sacramento, Santa Rosa, Omaha How much new do you think from nodding the special you're on? Right now I got about 25. Wait, what was the question? Like he just had a special come out Yeah, but what did you ask? How much is brand new from the show? 25 Meaning the show that you're doing now yeah but this is september so i bet i'll have 35 40 by then yeah but is is the other 20 25 from your special or brand new yeah

no i'm confused what you're asking i was asking like how much brand new stuff isn't it all new well no you gotta you gotta lean on the old shit for a second. He just said it won't come out. What I'm saying is you're still doing a half hour of the stuff that was on your special? No. I've been riffing, crowd working. Yeah, that's new. It's not great.

I have jokes, but they're not. I remember you told me that last time we did this. Yeah. People saw you and you're like, get the process. I know. I hate it. I like to go out and kill it. That's the thing.

You've got to keep. I mean, I. I hate it. I like to go out and kill it. You got to keep burning. I'm thinking about it. I was going to tape like January, February, and I just pushed my next special taping to March, I think. There you go. Where are you doing it? Boston. Wilbur?

Yeah. That's where I'm going to do it. Smart. Hold on. Oh, it was a wife, girlfriend fart. Sorry. All right. Well, that's a good way to end it.

Okay. Love you, Rick. Rick, you're the man. Sunday's the day for my next bender. I've been a fever wreck, you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking post. And I get down in the same way.

Up on the roof like the cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in

New Orleans this woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same

way we might be true.