We Might Be Drunk - Ep 180: Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

We hope she doesn't roast us! We have Nikki Glaser with us today. Go watch her new special "Someday You'll Die" And go see her on the road near you this summer! Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/�� Mark Normand: https://marknormandcomedy.com/ Nikki Glaser : https://www.nikkiglaser.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Bodega Cat: http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/ If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD! Support the show and get a free gift with your Journey Pack. Head to https://www.tryfum.com/DRUNK Support the show & get $20 off your 1 st Gametime purchase. Download the Gametime app, create an account, & use code DRUNK Support the show & get your $1 a month trial period at https://www.shopify.com/drunk

Yeah, have you seen him on stage too? He's so like... I know, it's like... Weird and bouncy. He's like rubber. It's like being John Malkovich with the marionette. Yes, exactly. We can keep that in, fuck it. I was watching him on the TV and I'm like, what is he doing? I hate it.

It's just his normal movements. I don't get it I know I'm super stiff, but he's like too wiggly. It's like the car lot inflatable So weird Here's a peeve of mine. I heard a comic get Someone said I saw you do something well and the comic goes not all thanks man. He goes. Oh, thank you so much Thank you so much for watching Yeah, be a fucking human. I hate that's like not a huge like you're faking

What like a person would sound like right right you're doing a bad impression. Yes, exactly they touch their heart. Oh Means the world that they start hugging themselves They start checking off Fuck I came. Yeah, that's the worst. They have a touching themselves. Yes. Oh, thank you the prayer. What are you a yogi? Yeah, you're a fucking comic. I know it's bad. There's no more checking checking is out You know, we used to have Patrice O'Neill at the cellar He would sit at the table and go what the the fuck did you just say? And that's kind of over. Yeah, because now it's the industry. Now you can kind of be that way to the industry.

That's true. Because they're kind of powerless, but you can't be that way to comics. Not anymore. Because that Patrice guy would be like, well, can I get on this? And you'd be like, you called me a pussy for nine hours. Yeah, true, true. But that was part of like, DeRosa would get his ass kicked, you know verbally and then he used to stand straight Turn into a shrimp Well, we had a there was a big Netflix party and it was killer

They have a back bar at Netflix So immediately like every comics like let me go to the back bar and hide and then night two the industry figured out about it it was all about your suits brutal we never went to the bar again it ruined the whole bar it's a lot of like hey tiger what's next what's what are you working on I hate what's next I don't know I'm in a bar let me next is a tequila shot I don't know what's what's coming up for you what What's down the pipe? The suits finding out about the bar is kind of like when your mom first got on Facebook Ah, look, it's compromised now. We were having a great time. Yes, exactly. I know you mean I know my dad's and my only fans Thread that's ruining everything

No No, but your comic hangs are so much different. I mean, there's so much low pressure. I know, I know. We're all hanging out, we're busting balls, we're talking, we're making fun of each other's outfits and Shane's got me in a headlock and then Sam Jay's shitting on me and then some guy comes in with a polo on him and it's all over. All over. How was that fest? Was it fun? It was fucking great. It felt like Montreal eight years ago. Damn. It was that fest? Was it fun? It was fucking great. I got it. It felt like Montreal eight years ago.

Damn. It was just great. We were so badly behaved at those festivals. Oh, forget about it. Yeah. We just get hammered. Yeah. Open bars were like, it's like homeless and you walk into an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Right. You're like fucking, hand them over. Oh yeah, those were great times. Every show was full. You got to go to some cool show show like the roast is happening and then Seinfeld a nader at the bowl. Did you go to that? I couldn't go I'd uh, I'm such an idiot Shane's like you want to go to the roast I was like sure I'm doing a podcast in Eagle Rock

What podcast? I said yes to some kid during the road. It's like the metaphor for my whole career All everybody's at the roast hanging out Rubbing elbows with all these stars and I'm like, yeah, I write in the shower You know, I don't get a lot of shit get a lot of writing done in my apartment I got a wreck for you say the word no every once in a while. I gotta work on no No is big if I was a woman I'd fuck every guy. I wish you a woman Just out of guilt. I'd be like, alright, he asked me out. I wish you were a woman Just out of guilt. I mean like alrighty ass me out. I know you mean though. It's hard. You can't deal with confrontation I can't I can't I'm I gotta get better. I have no problem with confrontation. I know I'm jealous Well, you grew up in this rat trap. Yeah called New York City. You have to learn it

I got a good story for you. All right. Well you were at the fest which looked fun as hell I saw some pictures, I was like, man, I do feel a little bit of FOMO. A little bit. And I stayed in the Andaz next door to the store so I could just drink and then just literally roll into my room. Damn. That's pretty nice. It was dangerous.

It was bad news. How was that hotel? Was it nice? Great hotel. It's like right there. Right there. Literally next door and the view is incredible and it's a rooftop pool So you get the hangover you just hit up hit the roof and sweat it out

Lap swimming when you're hungover is fucking awesome Underrated because you don't realize you're actually sweating. Yeah true in the water I mean you're sweating that booze out something about all your whole body submerged in cold water I think is it wakes you up a little yeah that so I was at one of the Knicks games with my brother and Chris DiStefano was sitting next to us with his friend Tommy the Cop. Fucking 350 pound guy.

It went on Sports Center because it was like a thing. Brunson made a huge play and then he ran over like this after he got an and one and Chris' cop was like 350 pounds, he was like this. And in your head I'm like, don't fucking hit his hand, you could fucking injure Brunson. Oh yeah. And thank God Brunson didn't do it,

but he still kinda like tried to grab him, like get the fuck off Brunson, you know? What are you doing? So anyway, Hardenstein, the center comes over to like high five me, cause I DM'ed him a couple of times, I'm a big fan, yeah. One of my favorite players and goes over to high five me.

The same guy, Tommy and Chris get in the way of the high five. I miss out on a playoff high five. God, they intercepted. They intercepted the high five. Come on. I'm outside after the game with my brother. I look at Instagram. Hardenstein DMs me.

I tried to high five you. Whoa. But two assholes got in front of me. I show it to Chris. I go, you guys are the assholes. That's up there with a cock block. That might be worse than a cock block. It might be worse. It's a jock block.

Jock block. Yes. That's horrible. We've got to friends of these. I was furious. Man, what a DM though. But he got a point, he pointed. My brother was like, he knows who you are and I was like, yeah, holy shit.

Wow. It was fucking the highest and the lowest at the same then high again faux pas since Ron our test went into the stands Remember Burr's bit about Ron our test. I don't know he had the best so I remember Burr came to my college and I was like 19 and they let me open cuz I I had like I'd worked in with the comedy group there because I was like a bringer fucking open mic'er sure but I sent the tape they were like we're bringing dat fan the comedian and I was like can I open for him? I was like I'll do fucking anything sure of course and they were like we don't know and I sent him a bringer tape Where I did well and they were like oh, okay

You can open at Tulane at Tulane Wow, so I open goes really well and they're like, okay you can and look I suck But they were I think they were like he's one of our own so they wanted to like me, right? So I had a hot set. All right, and uh, and by the way, he is the winner of last comic standing at the time He was he was a big deal. It was packed. Yeah, I haven't seen that many Asians since uh, all right Let's not finish that joke. But look, it goes well. So they're like, who should we bring down next? I said, Bill Burr. So they're like, you can open for him.

So they bring Bill Burr down. It was like right after the Opie and Anthony thing. And you know, Burr is on stage. It's like 80 people in a 1200 seater. So it's like crazy to think of Bill Burr now. But he wasn't like, I knew he was great. I was already a big fan of his. They gave me a lot of other names who I won't say. And I was like, no, it's got crazy you think of Bill Burr now, but he wasn't like I knew he was great I was already a big fan of his they gave me a lot of other names who I won't say and I was like No, it's got to be burr. You know and

There's oh wait, maybe Earlier oh wow Oh six. Oh geez. Okay, maybe Fuck maybe oh five probably oh six. All right, so he was already like we I already knew he was a great comic Yeah, just some like fucking clips and YouTube and I think you're one special out. I think so that a half hour but uh Yeah, I was great half hour on HBO killer killer, but He had a bit about the fight at the at the Pistons game Alice of the palace And yeah, I loved it which I'd never heard someone enter that bit

I love it right and He goes because what do people always say to professional athlete athletes fuck you come up here. He goes well they came up That's a great take that's a great take and he went against the grain even back then yeah, so good wow I saw that live by the way I was while I was in college at my house with like eight guys watching that game We were on our feet like what the fuck You see the fat guy swinging and you see coca-cola flying everywhere and popcorn Incredible and you saw the doc that are testing that guy or friends now really yeah remember the end

He and the guy got into the fight with they're like buddies now. You got a hand of that guy's got balls of steel I mean, he's like five seven and he's just Backwards hat and a gut against the Detroit guy. Oh, he's a Detroit. Okay. Yeah, so he's like Yeah, those guys are ready to throw down. Yeah, I'll be there this weekend. Yeah. Yeah some some room I don't know fucking great love Detroit great comedy crowds. What's it called? The Midwest is good man. Oh, yeah, the Midwest is good for comedy Ridley's you're not going there. No, but I'm just trying to give us what's the name? Oh mark Ridley's comedy cast comedy castle So we played this club for years mark Ridley's comedy castle, and it's a great club great marks

Always been awesome to us. Yeah, and the whole staff there is really cool. So you know who Mark Ridley's son is? Rick and Morty. Yeah. So this guy who runs a comic called his son is Ryan Ridley. He wrote like the best episodes of Rick and Morty. And then he left and I think he just wrote a movie. I mean, he's doing really well. That's great. How cool is that though? That is so cool. Comedy, keep it in the family. Fun story about Mark Ridley's. This is eight

years ago. Mark Ridley's, before he could sell tickets, they would always do Thursday was the benefit night. Like, hey, we're doing a women's battered women charity. Hey, we're doing a- Such a funny reason to do a benefit. I know! We couldn't move tickets. Breast cancer?

Yeah. Anything. So for some, I've told this story before, but for some reason I got the Thursday benefit was graduation for seeing eye dogs. So it was a bunch of blind people. Was Winnie there? Yeah, we could have used Winnie. Yeah.

She needs to see an eye human. That's true. Yeah, you're the service animal in this relationship. But it was seeing eye, it was a bunch of blind people and their dogs. So the blind people are all like looking this way and I'm over here. And they all got the sticks and the dog and the whole thing. And it's a million dogs. And I'm like, oh my god, all right, whatever.

I'll get the blind people. They got good hearing. And I'm bombing. But every 16 seconds I'd hear, I'd be like, so Uber's weird, huh? Well, you know, you guys so uber's weird, huh? Well, you know you guys ever eat cereal at night, huh? That's crazy Hey It was that for an hour to him and after sure usually you're the one going home with a dog. That's crazy Well one lady started heckling me and I had a line where I said ma'am

Do you realize you're you're less well behaved than a dog? Oh my god. That killed? Yeah. It sucks when the only big laughs though are they're like using someone well and they're like that's what they react to. I know, I know. I was like I want to hit you on the nose with a rolled up magazine. That's fucking good.

You're a bitch, you know, just go in. And that was hitting, but that was before anyone filmed anything. Yeah. It could have been a great clip. Damn. I've had some crazy heckles at that club for sure. They're definitely- Oh yeah. You get the- yeah, they throw them- oh my god, it's a beer city.

Yeah, yeah, the Midwest drinks, Michigan drinks. They drink so fucking hard there. Worst time I ever had was Kalamazoo. Yeah, damn. Opened it for Schumer. She goes, hey, I'm going to give you an hour special. I'm going to produce it. I was like, oh my God. She goes, tonight do like the first 20. And I went up and did a bunch of jokes about therapy

and anxiety and stuff like that, being an introvert. 20,000 people, bombing. What, how do you think that happened? Why did you do that? I think I should have gone in and just been like, boom, boom, boom, because they didn't know who I was. They were still filing in and it was bad. It was 20,000 people not laughing. I heard a cough. I heard a quiff I heard Plane go by it was bad comedy keeps you so fucking humble. Oh, yeah that hurt that was she was pissed

She was just like yeesh, and I thought I was gonna lose the special but luckily it was alright It's only he opened for Amy at Carnegie Hall one. Yeah. He said it was a highlight of his whole life in front of Carnegie Hall. That's right. He's like, then I went downtown, took a train downtown, did the same material in a small club, bombed. Totally bombed. Actually the same thing happened to me with Amy because I had done like a full run of, I think we hit all of Canada

and holy shit I've been doing so well, there are like great crowds. I think like Edmonton was unbelievable, Toronto, Montreal, all unbelievable crowds. And then I came back I think one night we came in the night of and I was like went down to the Village Lantern for like eight people and eight shit. I knew not to bring people there because I remember my biological father's wife was Lily Tomlin's hairdresser for like years and I worked in theater and They were like very very close So I'd met Lily a couple times and we went to see her in Red Bank, New Jersey And she's like are you going on tonight? Can I come and I was like no

I knew and thank God I didn't bring her because I ate shit at the fucking lantern. There you go I was like I can't I can't I don't want to I don't want a legend to watch me eat shit in front of Right, right. I want whatever your picture in your head is better than what you will see. Yes So let's just keep it there that lantern was a dungeon of bombing. I bombed there many times I that's the only place I ever got off stage and fucking put my fists up and threatened to fight a guy That's the only place I ever got off stage and fucking put my fists up and threatened to fight a guy The only place because if you break you will break once But there was like five people in there and a guy just yelling all time fuck you you suck And I just hit my breaking point of like yeah, fuck this it's over. I saw and Need the fuck you can't just tell me I saw why are you mad at me? I had so many

You just had so many you know when you're in the road so much as young comic that you just you just tell me why you're mad at me? I had so many, you just had so many, you know when you're in the road so much as a young comic that you just snap? Yeah, of course. And sometimes you'll snap before they, it's almost like you're a martial artist and you just punch a guy at the bar before he even did anything.

Yeah, yeah. Because you're so used to someone attacking you for no reason. Right, right. And you're like, well you can't be doing that, but I would snap sometimes. I got off stage and I was like, fuck you, you want to do something about it? And he backed down, thank God. I didn't know what he looked like.

He got to fucking kill me. Oh yeah, true. But I just, he totally backed down in front of a friend too. But I think I looked so unhinged. Right. And he was probably like, maybe this guy's homeless or something. I don't know. That's the only reason I, I mean I could have two on one also.

Although there were comics, there were comics that would have had my back probably. That's true. Well, depending on the cup. Brad Williams is like, it's you and me. I'm like, fuck. Gonna get us. Right, right. There was a dance last year that was very popular called Get Sturdy.

And this is Lily Tomlin doing the Get Sturdy in the 70s with the Cavendish. Have you ever seen this? No. This is almost exactly the dance. The originator of getting sturdy. Let's go, snails, let's go. Bomp, bomp, let's go. Snails, let's go. Bomp, bomp. Off the floor and out the door. Let's go, snails, let's go. I don't know why they laughing. She done started a whole trend that a whole community of motherfuckers do now. Wow.

I'd love to get your algorithm. I bet you got some wacky shit going on in that timeline. Dude, I was watching an old dick caveat and it was Jim Brown and Lester Maddox. You saw that one? We listened to the song together, Lester Maddox, the Randy Newman song. Oh, yes. Got the N word riddled all in it. All over. It's pretty crazy, man.

He's pretty damn racist, that guy, you know, segregationist. And Jim Brown is holding his own. He has so much composure. Really? In the interview, I was like, man, he really kept his cool. This guy's saying some pretty horrible shit. It is 1970, so he's getting some applause on this horrible shit. Really? But you know- Brown is terrifying. He's the scariest man on the planet.

You don't have to put it on but he's so calm and he's so, you look it up, and I really had so much respect and then I was reading about it and it said he beat the shit out of his fiance and I was like oh so he was taking it out on someone. Oh damn. You know what I mean? Was she white? I don't know. Oh that'd be- But nobody's perfect you know what I mean? Yeah true.? I don't know. Oh, that'd be- But nobody's perfect, you know what I mean? Yeah, true. But in those moments, I was like, man, Jim Brown's pretty impressive.

Yeah, yeah, because he was militant. He was hanging out with MLK and all that. Yeah. Or maybe Malcolm X. He was part of those athletes. That's why they hated OJ, because they were doing all this shit for civil rights, and he was taking the money,

but it's kind of hard to get mad at guy like not everyone wanted that you know I get it I don't get it but you know what I mean when they went to him they're like you're black I'm not black I'm OJ but it was like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Russell you know all these guys you know look you're gonna have you're gonna leave a better legacy yeah you got the Hertz gig hurts. You know hurt so good What do you got oh we can't play this Shit but yeah, we played this in the car. We were like holy shit

Wait, you don't play because the legal shit. I thought it's cuz I had the n-word about fine with that Yeah, but he's making fun of racism Wait, you don't want to play it because it's illegal shit. I thought it's because of the N word. No, I'm fine with that. Yeah. He's making fun of racism. Do you want to share the opening lines about Lester Maddox? Sure. Isn't he? I saw Lester Maddox on a TV show with some smartass New York Jew. And the Jew laughed at Lester Maddox. And the audience laughed at less schematics too.

Alright, you see? That was my point, I couldn't believe that the audience was applauding some shit where I was like, wow, times have really changed. Yeah, by the way, what, oh sorry. No, go ahead. Well, it's like when they brought on the Native American lady in the Oscars, she's getting booed. Yeah. That would never happen now.

Yeah. They would be too nervous to boo. Yeah, but this was an extra from Flower Moon right here. But fun fact, I took this guy on a road trip where I was like, I'm doing a gig in a casino in Coachella Valley, California. And you forget, you know, he's like, we got to stop, I'm starving. It was a two hour drive, we had to stop and get him food. Then we got back in the car, we get to the gig, falls asleep in the green room.

What are you, my grandpa? I know. Who falls asleep in a green room? Well, you know, we've been built for this shit. We've grown up doing it for the last 15 years. Our schedules are very different. Take a new guy out there and he's like, I can't hack it. I'm like, I'm doing an hour up there,

we're fisting beers and vodka sodas, and this guy's,, I can't hack it. I'm like, I'm doing an hour up there, we're fisting beers and vodka sodas and this guy's, I got a photo of it. Well you become a nighttime coffee drinker or you just fucking, you figure it out, man. Oh yeah. That fest though was a real banger. Yeah, it sounded fun. It was fun, it was like comedy was popping,

the city was alive, you know, like the forum got sold out. Bert, Shane, Schultz, The Roast, you know, who else? Segura. Damn. That's a lot of forum. It's insane. It's a lot of white guys. That's true.

Did you see the list, the graph of comedy ticket sales? No. It's crazy. Somebody posted this. It was like, 2003, this many million, and now 2024 is already in the billions. Well we love to shit on the industry, man, but agents found a way to make a lot of money for us.

Yeah, yeah, that is true. They know what they're doing. And the roast, you know, that, I was on a flight yesterday, or two days ago, eight laptops I saw were playing the roast Wow so it's huge been numb there he is I took that photo like shoes off That's a this Jim Jefferies plug That's in a casino in the middle of the desert in California. It was actually great. I was nervous

So I was like they've gotten better. They got better. Remember how bad, I remember we did a casino gig, it was you, me, and DeStefano, and that writer, Scott Robb, came with us, remember? Oh yeah. From Esquire. Was it Connecticut? Yeah. Yeah. And he was like, he was in shock at A, how badly we were treated, and we're just used to it,

and B, how badly we all bombed, and he was like, but you guys are funny, we're like, yeah, but this is how it goes. This is it, man. This is it. Yeah it yeah that Rob guy he that was a real awakening for him a real eye-opener yeah he was like I don't know how you do this every night so if I can before I guess gets here you're always asking me at the end of the show if I have anything to promote yeah I have something promote all right sure loves you oh we don't want to promote me. Promote it, yeah. We'll make it quick.

Punchup.live slash Mark Normand, right? Yes, we made a short comedy doc called Page to Stage about the writing process of doing one joke over six months. And can I play just one second of the joke? One second. Ah, what the best one. Go play it. Alright. Who gives a shit?

This is me bombing into queens. This is where it starts to really go off the cliff here. Yeah, I got something. Hey, is this stupid? That killed in my apartment. Oh god, I hope this wasn't Travelin' Man. Travelin' Man. Wait, are we gonna do like a previous song?

Yeah, so punchup.live slash mark normand. I'm on there as well. Yeah, I got a bunch of stuff on there. I said, who am I? Little existential stuff. Punchup.live slash samorail as well and joe list. Follow him on there. We're all on there and I'll tell you the reason we're on there is because you follow all of us on punchup because you know all the social medias are now just burying our posts. Totally. We spent, all of us spent a lot of money building followings, clips, all that stuff, and now they're,

it doesn't matter, so. Yeah. Getting pretty annoying. It is, yeah. YouTube demonetized me completely, and I was like, huh. So I emailed a guy over there, and he was like, oh, I took a look at it, totally a mistake, you're back up. But I was like, huh? So I emailed a guy over there and he was like, oh I took a look at it Totally a mistake you're back up, but I'm like, but that's what we're dealing with. Yeah. What if I didn't know you well It's a fucking robot that can't detect sarcasm so we can say something as a comic and it's like, okay

You're taking what I'm saying as how I actually feel. Yeah so if We're doing that if you're it's like the Lenny Bruce shit where when you're transcribing comedy, it doesn't work. So this is all the platforms now. They're firing people and also it's just like a robot that can't understand Sarkozy and that's what's dictating whether or not

a joke works or not or gets buried. So I think the one thing if you're a comic right now, don't let your comedy be influenced by this algorithm. Because that's I think could be dangerous for comedy. And it sucks that this is how we reach new audience. I mean it's like how comics like Mark and myself made a career by posting jokes. And jokes got shared.

Exactly. It'd be basically like if a if a foreign Chinese lady was in charge and she didn't understand the nuances of of a English language and sarcasm so it's like my ninth grade teacher was in charge of this I agree I think the Chinese are problematic see now. We're demonetized. Are you happy YouTube? Jesus damn it. No, it's it's it's an annoying time Are you happy YouTube? Come on the week! Jesus! Damn it! No, it's an annoying time, but I think you gotta stay just who you are as a comic or else. Totally.

Or else we're fucked and I do think comics are gonna try to change their comedy to appease this algorithm. Oh, already happening. Already happening. How many kids have been like, astrology does well. You do some astrology jokes, also dating stuff kills it. Well, dating stuff is important just to do the road because you're relatable. That's true.

So dating, relationship stuff has always been in the act just because it has to be. Yeah. Because you'll, it's a way no matter what to appeal to any generation. Yes, for sure. You know? Dating, sex, family, drinking. All that stuff. Yeah, all the big hits.

Animals, pets, driving. Bestiality. There you go. All the all the big hits. Animals, pets, driving. Bestiality. There you go. All the staples. Metaphelia. We both did new jokes last night, that was great. I think you followed Mark on new jokes.

Oh yeah. It was really nice to see you do new jokes at the Comedy Cellar. Do jokes with Marko here? Did you see my set? Yeah, it was great. Amanda, how hard did that opening joke bomb too? It was bad.

Yeah. Do you like Hitler? Is that the one? No, that joke killed. Oh, it did kill him. The! Do you like Hitler? Is that the one? No, that joke killed. The Hitler joke crushed. Hitler's in right now. He's back.

No, I had a new joke that fucking killed around the corner and downstairs and I did it. I'll tell you the joke. I just posted a, and this fucking bombed so hard at new jokes. I recovered, it was fine. But man, it sucks. I feel like a lot of comics, Mark and I were talking about this, it's a new joke show and a lot of comics are playing the hits on this show. And then I'm kind of like, well, now you're fucking up the curve.

Of course, of course. Because I'm there to really, I need to get work done, but just don't do the show if you're going to play the hits because now it's way fucking harder for us. I'm literally this is because that's the one show at the cellar. All shows, a lot of comics are just bringing the heat and that's fine. I mean good, you keep the bar high at the cellar but man, when you're doing the new joke show and other comics are bringing it, man, I don't want to have to open on an old joke just to, you know, but whatever. The joke that bombed, I say, you know, I posted a picture of my friends and I were at a New York pizza

place I like and one of the comments is, fuck you Chicago pizzas, better fight me. And I'm like, I got to defend my place's honor now, I can't just enjoy the pizza I like, you have the pizza you like. It's like, just because you beat the shit of me too, doesn't mean the food's better, just means you're stronger. Mike Tyson could be like, drugstore sushi is the best fuck you fight me You know and as he's like raining blows you're like alright drugstore fish is the best you're right CVS CVS sushi is the best that bomb it fucking killed downstairs and around the corner and then at new jokes

Which is like where they should work. Yeah, yeah, but the curve is fucked up Yeah, but the difference is I opened on it new jokes, and I'd like put it in the middle on the other shows. It's fine It's a whatever joke, but it's like for the bike. I got silence Damn, then I think with will will Sylvain to always host there. Don't you feel like you're always getting new shit? Oh the best I got a clip out of me too. He's the best Yes, yes And you can fuck with him. He plays dumb, and you can make fun of it,

and he allows it, it's great. A lot of the time when I say my friend said something stupid in a joke, I say it's Will. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. But dude, you're right, because you realize we used to do this when we bounced bits. We would kind of attack every angle. Because on the show we just do it now, we'll bounce a bit.

But when we used to really just text or talk on the phone to meet at a coffee shop, I feel like, I'd be like, well why do you feel that way? And then you just go on and you say something funny. We don't do that enough anymore. Yeah, you gotta give a little rope, like kind of yes and it. Talk to me, open it up about it. But we used to be better about it, I feel. Yeah, for sure, for sure.

We had more time. We had more time and I think we got, I think we got our voices down a little better. Yeah. And I think so now you see an idea and you're like, I know where to go with this. Whereas before I was like, I was like swimming. I didn't know what the fuck was happening. And you'd be like, maybe this way. And I was like, oh yeah. It's tough when you're doing new shit at The Seller because I don't have a lot of confidence in it, but I'm not going to stop doing it. So, but then you'll have one set where you get overconfident and then you're like, well it's not that good.

But I hate when a comic I like is in the room and I'm doing an all new set. That's the worst. Because I'm just like. You gotta do it. You gotta do it. I was sitting next to Rosebud, she was like, is anyone gonna do new?

And I was like, oh shit, she's not wrong. Because a couple guys before me did like a shit. And you're like like she called it out And I was like yeah, she's right. It's pretty annoying. It's a little annoying, but you know I think they want to get spots They don't want a bomb whatever but if it's new is in like two to three weeks old. That's fine a month Yeah, whatever we're talking like it's in their act like it's hardcore in their act totally But you know what that's so fascinating that it worked downstairs and then the same line didn't work.

It shows how important the order is and how they look at you and how you're perceived. That's the part about comedy that you can only learn from doing and failing and retrying and trial and error. That's the hard part about comedy that nobody can teach you. It's like baseball. One guy maybe is a good leadoff hitter but you have him batting fourth. You're like, this guy's not, he's lost. Hey!

Look at that right on time. What are you, a white woman? Hi. Good to see you. Wow, nice blazer. I'm really overdressed for the- I'm sorry. Not in a rude way. We definitely don't- we don't dress well in the morning.

No, why would you? Hey, hey folks. Fume! We might be drunk as a rocket by fume. You're out with your friends and they're reaching into their pockets for that bad habit. Well not you, you got a better choice. Grab that fume. The award-winning flavored air device replacing your bad habit that much easier.

Yes, it's not a vape, so you can use it anywhere. There's no nicotine, no batteries, and no nasty habit. It could be easier to join the Fume family. I like it. Fun to put something in your mouth, and you got that oral fixation. It covers it. Get rid of the nasty habit. Get the good one. And it looks cool. It's

a conversation starter. With a weighted high quality design and flavors like crisp mint, orange, vanilla, you're gonna love Fume for years to come. Fume has served over 300,000 customers and you can be the next success story. For a limited time use our code DRUNK to get the free gift with your journey pack. Head to tryfume.com. that's tryfume.com and use code drunk for a free gift with your order today. Fume! Hey we might be drunk as brought to you by Game Time. If you don't have plans this weekend you'd better check out Game Time. Game Time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all

the sports, music, comedy, and theater events near you. They take all the hassle and guesswork out of buying tickets with awesome last minute deals all in prices, views from your seat, and their lowest price guarantee. Hey, you know me. I love to go to these games. We go to the Knicks games now. I like to go to the theater every now and then. I saw Hamilton.

That was not funny at all. And yeah, you got to get it. Screw the other ones. They're all ripping you off. When you find tickets of your dreams, your purchase is covered with the most flexible customer service policy in the ticketing industry. Take the guesswork out of buying tickets with Game Time. Download the Game Time app, create an account, and use code DRUNK for $20 off your first purchase. Again, create an account and redeem code DRUNK with $20 off. Download the Game Time app today.

Last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. Hey, folks, we might be drunk as brought to you by Shopify. Wait too long on a punch line, you kill the joke. Make a customer wait too long at checkout, you kill the sale. Boy, ain't that the truth. Shopify makes online shopping quick and easy, turning your audience from browsers to buyers. This is the best.

I hate online shopping, but they make it easy, they make it quick, and they give you nice deals, nice discounts, and they got everything. Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce in the United States, so they know what they're doing. They accept every type of payment, and Shopify's AI tools make selling a total breeze. Use it to help write captivating product descriptions or create your marketing campaigns.

It's like having a sales team in the palm of your hand. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash drunk, all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash drunk. Now to grow your business, no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash drunk. Now to grow your business, no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash drunk. Thank you. This is ridiculous. I have to go to, yeah, whatever.

It doesn't matter. Oh my God, oh my God, what the fuck? Wow, it's a fan. This is Winnie. She loves you. I'm so excited, really? She was just saying how well you did at the roast. Oh my gosh, everyone's talking, everyone's barking.

You killed. Oh, thanks man. Yeah, it feels good, right? Yeah, it's nice. Is this your favorite one you've ever done? I think that they've all, yes, sure, because it's changed my life. But based on the fact that it was live,

people knew I did the best. But I have to say, I usually do the best, not the best, but one of the, like I'm always in the top three. Totally. Yeah, of it. And I've always felt, after the roast, I've always felt the same of like, yeah, I showed up, but this one,

because they didn't edit it to make everyone else's look good, people kinda tell, we're on now. Yeah, we're on. Go. Yeah, so that sounds braggy or whatever, but like I didn't, like it just felt in line with the rest of the stuff I've done, but I think, you know, it's changed my life.

Yeah, I mean, you're everywhere. It's insane. I appreciate you squeezing us in. I mean, it's Vern and Rich Risen, and even Josh Adam Myers you got. It's pretty good. You cannot run into that guy. Is that the music one? He into that guy. He's everywhere. I ran into someone who yesterday or yesterday who said they saw him yesterday and I had seen him the day before in LA but they saw him here. He's literally everywhere. He's everywhere. Yeah. Nice guy.

Nice guy. We like you Josh. Hell of a voice on that guy. Oh that voice. We both have had vocal cord issues. Oh really? And We both have had vocal cord issues. Oh, really? And we both have had vocal cord surgery. And his went back. I saw you. Me and Gila saw you at the Red Rocks. Remember that?

You weren't talking. Yeah. I was in recovery for like three weeks. I couldn't talk. Wow. It was awesome. Man, lucky boyfriend. That is funny.

All the times my boy, we've been having a little bit of a struggle recently. And all the times that he's been like, we gotta get back to the way it was. Like he's like, you know, when we did yoga that time, we went to the park and played for us. I'm like, those were all times when I was, I couldn't talk for three weeks. Every single time he's like, that's the, that's the way it was. So like when a white guy's like, we gotta get back to what made this country great. That's amazing. I was on shrooms that night, and you know, comics were all insecure and nuts,

so I was like, she hates me, she's mad at me, she's not talking. Oh my God, isn't it so funny? Because my biggest concern is that you guys don't like me. That's what we do. All of us feel this way. Yeah. All the time.

Bobby Lee, I'm constantly in fear he doesn't like me, but he's constantly in fear of everyone else. We're all doing it, constantly. But I think the good guy- Who doesn't like Bobby Lee? I know, that's why I was confused. Really? You know.

Really? We have one. I think it's because of a few. This is gonna torture him. Yeah, I think the dog hates him. But she's got a reason for that. Do you have that, Sam? What?

Do you worry that people are mad at you, don't like you? I mean. No, because my friends are my friends, and then the other people, if they don't like me, they don't like me. I'm more of that now. If I have a right to not like people, they should have a right to not like me.

I like not liking people, and it's not fair for me to be like, everyone should like me, they should be able to not like me too, and I can be annoying. And anything you don't like about me, I almost am like, well, I already don't like it about myself, you can't find something new. Like some of the roast jokes that were written about me,

like, I'm really glad they didn't get my jugular. Like, they didn't find the thing that I'm most insecure about that is out there for everyone to pick on if they want, if they look hard enough. I'm sure you guys could find it. But like- Every once in a while you look at a YouTube comment

and you're like, damn, he nailed it. Nailed it. Yeah. And it's a thing you think only you have, like you assume what people say about you, but you go, I have some things that only I notice and no one else does, and yeah, sometimes they really get you.

That's why YouTube comments, when I watch anything that I have to look at on YouTube, I have to cover it up, because now they like show them to you. I know. And they scroll through them. I know. And you can't, like a new one comes up.

So I have to watch everything like this, not that I really ever watch myself, but. Well remember that old Malaney joke where he's like teenagers are so good at finding the thing that you hate about themself and he's like, look at that motherfucker, he's high-waisted. And he's like, ooh. Yes, yes.

High-waisted. It's a big thing. It's so funny. That shows how good Malaney's life is. He's like, my waist. And they're like, dude, you're fine. What are you talking about? He did that Letterman interview show

and they showed his high school. They go back to Malaney's, it's like fucking Hogwarts. you're fine. What are you talking about? He did that Letterman interview show, and they showed his high school. They go back to Maloney, it's like fucking Hogwarts. It's beautiful. Oh, really? It's like a white Catholic button-down sweater, blazer bullshit. Yeah, of course. What, you think he grew up in the herd or something? Well, I went to public school.

It was just a bunch of trash. I didn't assume that, no. How was that show? You did his talk show. Yeah, it was chaotic. I love a show that you can't prepare for. Yeah. You don't need talking points. love a show that you can't prepare for. Yeah. You don't need talking points.

He's not gonna ask you anything specifically. So if you do poorly, which my showing was like, forgettable, it's not your fault. Yeah. I love anything that's not your fault because you can't really prepare. I'm totally left on it. So it's fine. Isn't it great? It's erratic and I can't do it.

Do you think they're just gonna give him a late night show? Maybe that's like the test. Maybe. If he wants one, he can have whatever he wants after that. Everyone's talking about it. So I think, yeah, I think, I don't think he wants, it's a lot of work. Oh, I would never wanna do that.

Really? Yeah, questions and you go, ah, Lunel, how'd you get started? You know, I don't know. Yeah, that's the part that would bug me too is like being interested in people that you're not interested in. Yes.

Like even I'm doing Seth Meyers Today and I'm like, I'm coming to the table with stuff, but most people don't. No way. They have a story about getting recognized earlier that day with no punch lines. Exactly. You have to make something of it. That would be exhausting. I know.

And it's on you if you don't make this person interesting because that's your job. Exactly. I remember I did Conan once and I could tell when he's bored with a guest because Jean-Claude Van Damme was on and I could tell Conan was just so bored cuz he was like, why don't you put me in a move? Just choke me out or something I'm getting nothing. Yeah You're so right I mean if you get cool people to talk to but but so much of this like don't don't you guys find that when you get a little bit more success and people go, you can do whatever you want, and you kind of go,

I kind of like my life right now. That's because you're doing what you want. Yeah, like right after this roast thing, the world has opened up, like it's cracked open for me. Like I could literally do anything I want right now. And I've never had that been in that position. And I'm like, what do I want to do? And I'm like, I want to keep touring,

maybe touring for more people. That's fun. That'll happen naturally. I like doing my podcast. Like I like doing this stuff. Just more of this. Like, do I have to want more? Do I have to want to be on a set all day

and write a movie and make a TV show and be in a writer's room? We literally wrote a movie. Yeah. But you did it in a way that was fun. Yes, you did it's room. We literally wrote a movie. Yeah Way that was fun. Yes, you did it your way terms. Yeah completely agree I don't know I kind of just sometimes I'm like do I need to keep having more more more And isn't downtime the goal we're comedians. I want to wake up at noon. I want to have a coffee

I want to write some jokes. Yeah, do a show at night and that's it Well, you also don't once that ball gets up in there You got to keep it up and you don't want to forget you and you that's it. But you also don't, once that ball gets up in the air, you gotta keep it up. And you don't want people to forget you. That's the thing that you just gotta, but then you think, oh, once I've reached this level, can I kinda take a break and people, I don't need to prove myself as much,

can I just like coast on this? And then you go, oh, this was, I'm just having all the feelings of, you just can't, you can't even like, at least it's hard for me to celebrate wins. Same, same. Because it goes, oh, they're all gonna go, that was really good, let's look at other stuff she's done,

let's look closer, and now let's see, it's not as good, like, I don't want people to look too closely. I opened for Seinfeld and he was eating between shows and he was like, thank God for comedians and cars. I'm like, what do you mean? And he's like, I'd be irrelevant without that. And I'm like, you have the biggest sitcom of all time, you sold out everywhere, and he's like, thank God for comedians and cars. I'm like, what do you mean? And he's like, I'd be irrelevant without that. And I'm like, you have the biggest sitcom of all time,

you sold out everywhere. And he's like, yeah, but you gotta stay afloat. You gotta reinvent yourself. Now he's doing a fucking Pop-Tart movie. Yeah. Keep going, it's scary. You have to keep going. But I mean, it's, we also want to keep working.

I mean, I don't, someone was like. We've chosen something we love. Yeah. The other thing. But agents say it's not enough. I had a big meeting and they're like, what's next? Like, oh. Well, their job is to make money for you.

I know, but- And for them to get money, so of course they- I just wanna have fun. I haven't, I really feel comfortable with the amount of money I have, and I know you guys make good money too. Like, does it have to be more than this? Like, are we, I don't, if I don't have kids,

I'm not worried, I'm worried about my parents' future. I want to get them in a good... Home. Home, yes. Touring, almost like touring colleges. I want them to go to the best home possible. Because that's on me now. There's no one else. And they have a little money stored away.

But that's my big concern. But other than that, I'm like, I'm kind of all right without being, but you always have to, okay, once you make, you know, a million dollars, now it's gotta be five million, then 10, and then you get into wanting to be 100 billion. It doesn't end.

It's also the road. I think when you're 68, you don't wanna go out and do two shows and go to Poughkeepsie and all that. So I think that's part of it too. Like you want to have a show. Some people are never going to stop. I'm not stop. Burt's going to be a 75 year old without a shirt on. Yeah, absolutely. He's not going to make it. Yeah, yeah. 75. He's going to be in a razzle. Alright, 57.

There you go. Yeah. But no, I know what you mean though. I mean, look, I put out a special, I think February of 2020. Oh, no, I know what you mean though. I mean, look, I put out a special, I think, February of 2020, COVID, right before COVID, and then Matt and I were going on rooftops filming another one, like, yeah, there's the fear of being forgotten. We're cockroaches. There's a fear that nothing's enough,

and I think years of doing free shit, it ingrains that in your head. None of this is enough. Right. And you have to say yes to everything, because you don't know if that's the thing that's gonna be the set where you figure out that joke or the set where someone sees you and offers you that thing.

You just have to say yes to saying no to things this hard. And then I was on Stern and he was like, why don't we ever see bikini pictures of you on a beach? I'm like, I don't take vacation. That's why. It's not because I'm like, I've never been in a relaxed state where I could be like, I don't lounge by a pool. I, I like working and I heard someone else,

I guess Taylor Tomlinson was talking about how she just, that's what she enjoys doing. That's how she feels fulfilled. And that's just, it's just the way it is. But I also complain about it. It's hard to take time off. I think we both took like maybe our first ones last year. Yeah, it wasn't easy. Yeah, you went to Europe. I mean, I'm in the Amalfi Coast with the wife and I'm just like, oh. Yeah, but you made content. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got to make content. But yeah, it's- I went to Greece and yeah, but I booked gigs along the way. There you go.

I was, yeah, but then I did like nine days in Greece, no gig, maybe seven days. I did a lot. Woo! You feel worthless. You're like, I got nothing here. You do. And then I did like nine days in Greece no gig maybe seven days And then and then you'll give it a few days away used to it I'm like, yeah sounds like prison You get used to prison after a few days probably. I mean vacation But you know, old Greek people look incredible. That diet works. Oh, yeah. That's like the right. They look good there.

You got a Greek guy in New Jersey. It ain't pretty. It's our food. It's our food. It is. But yeah, man, taking a break is really hard. Look, some people need to recharge. I get it.

But I feel like the people who are really excited for vacation hate their life here. Yes. And I like my life a lot. When you go on vacation, you have to do so much stuff. I know. To prove that you did it and to get the most of it. And that stuff is exhausting. I like to do exhausting things when I'm getting things done. Yes.

But like going on hikes and going on tours and waking up early to go to this place and wait in line to get in. I just don't, I'm not really interested in doing work. And I find that my, I guess, civilian friends, like when they have days off, they have to go to Home Goods or they have to do meal planning. Like they're cleaning the house. They're like doing stuff all day.

I don't like, I'd rather pay people to do all that stuff for me. Sure. And work every day. And is podcasting really working? That's the other thing. It is, of course, because it's exhausting and we all know it is.

But it's hard to claim it as work. I know, I used to be a janitor. So this is living right here. That's right. Yeah, no, I'm on the road every week. I mean, I've been off for a little bit just because I taped a special, but I was on the road every week for forever and I'm going back, I'm been off for a little bit just because I taped a special, but I was on the

road every week for forever and I'm going back. I'm going to start it back up, but it's, yeah, I'm the same way. I don't want to do anything that's not either going to lead to a bit or helping comedy or interesting life experience. Yeah, it's just what we like. And I like being on the road. I'm tired of this narrative I've been telling myself because I feel like it's like what I have to say

is that it's hard because so many of you project that. You're traveling all the time, you never get to be home. You're living out of a suitcase, hotels. I'm like, I like it all. I like just, I like living out of a suitcase. I like making my room a mess and that like it's not even really my space. I like hotel rooms.

I like air travel. I like air travel. I like being in an airport. Well, we all did this when we were staying in bad hotels and now we're all staying in nicer hotels. It's amazing. So now we're kind of like, well, how could I complain now? Yeah. Yeah, I'm Kevin McAllister in there.

I'm jumping on the bed. I got a pizza, Coca-Cola, the movie. It's great. And also, I had to fly to Seattle. Then I flew back to New York, then LA, then back to New York, and everybody's like, six hours on a plane, you wanna kill yourself? I'm like, that's down time.

That's my vacation. And that's it. I flew from LA here yesterday, you take off at 11, you land at eight o'clock at night, the whole day, it's just, I was horizontal. Yes! Oh, it was the best. It's the best.

And no one can get you, because you can always claim that the WiFi's out, and the WiFi-Fi sucks anyway So it's like kind of nice, right? Like you feel like you do you can't really get work done. That is truly my vacation I think I like flying first class when you can lay down more than I like being in that place more than anywhere else in The world you don't want the flight to end never I hate when I feel that you know the feeling of like the slight descent Where it's like you just and you go tray tables up like it's now we got to go back into it.

I love the escape of being on a plane. I absolutely love it. It's like a shower. No one can reach you. Yes, it's either shower, plane, splunking or like caving. It's the only other place where your agents are, you know, not that the agents are trying to track me down, but just podcast offers or you need to record this ad reader just that kind of stuff And I'll just piles up throw one more log on the fire. How about that lounge?

Lounge living in that loud they're getting a little overcrowded Too much riff-raff in those lounges. Getting the latest. You're in the left, riff-raff, he's migrant. I was literally going there too. No, but like, you know, the clear line is out the door now sometimes, TSA pre, like, it's, now you have to get to LAX, like, international travel. Like yesterday, I was there with enough time and almost missed my flight.

Exactly. And I had all the perks, but it's getting bad. No, I do slowly become more Republican when I'm in the lounge. I'm like, they let anyone in. Absolutely. Yeah, crazy. I know.

Yes. No, I'm with you. This is nice to be around, cause you know, I saw my family last week and they're like, oh, what do you got coming up? I'm like, I'm in Michigan and then I'm in Fort Wayne, Indiana. They're like, oh, I'm sorry. And I'm like, I can't wait. Yeah, get that Michigan Michigan's great

And but you guys I do stuff when you're on the road, right? Now you like you I've seen everything well you I know you bring on you and you have your friends Yeah, I have Gary Vita with me. So yeah, we we try to Live a dinner. Yeah, good meal. Yeah, just work Gary's so disciplined Gary makes me so much healthier because Gary's like Let's wake up at 9 hit the gym really like all right That's got that dad rage just lifting weights in there Yeah, but it makes me feel way healthier when I'm out with Gary's yeah

Well, I mean that's the that is the best part is that now we get to travel with friends and people who don't bring their friends to open for them I Don't understand it. Or they just go up a low, like Bill Maher travels solo. Really? Why would you do that? I don't know. If you can bring people, I mean sometimes I bring people,

I don't even want them to perform. I'm just like, they're like, what material do you want me to do? How much time? I go, I don't really care. That's not about that. It's about you hanging out after. I just want it to be fun.

The hang is everything. It's everything. that. It's about you hanging out after. I just want it to be fun. The hang is everything. It's everything. And then sometimes venues kick you out too soon. Yes, that's true. And you just wanna hang out. That's true. And it's, do you guys do meet and greets? I do, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You do it? That's the hardest part of the show. Winsing. For by a mile. Here's what I will say about it, because I think fans get sad when they hear that, because I know I would if I wanted to meet you,

and I'm like, oh, he hates it. It's not, you dread it, during it, it's not horrible. That's true. Right? Do you agree? Like during, yes, you're checking the line towards the end of it, like how many more. Yeah. But it's, they're genuine interactions.

100%. And it's like, it's not horrible, but any kind of work can be complained about. But yes, that part is. I should do it, probably. It's nice, and you meet her, and then the, it's like it's not horrible, but any kind of work can be complained about but yes that part is It's nice, and you meet her and then the sauce of my hand you know Well look I think in theaters it wouldn't bother me as much But when I did it in the clubs like I would sell merch and I've just like it's too much When they didn't have someone they're like helping me I would get cornered by fucking weirdos No, again, they would kind of ruin it for all the cool people that came out

Yeah, the one weirdo would just corner you and I'd be like, can someone help me with this? I know. But you got, that's why I do charge for my meet and greets. I give them for free. If you DM me and say, I can't afford it, I'm like, yeah, here's a free one. I have to have a paywall because of,

that everyone wants a picture. They don't do anything with it. You can't meet everyone. And there's always those people that wait at the very end of the line. Yes. Because they want, they want to actually, you know what, I don't even want a always those people that wait at the very end of the line. Yes. Cause they want, they want to actually, you know what? I don't even want a picture.

I just want to have a real conversation with you. This is what it's really about. I'm like, can we please get a picture? This is not what it's really, I have no desire to talk to you and they think they, it's always a guy that thinks I'm going to be like, wow, you like really want to get to know me. Right.

You don't just see me as like some girl you want to take a picture with, like, no, I don't want you to, like, you have no right to not see me that way. Like you don't know me like you don't just see me as like some girl You want to take a picture with like no? I don't want you to like you have no right to not see me that way like you don't know me at all And that's like prostitution for friendship. Yeah, yes paying to meet me and that's weird Mark has a peeve that I relate to so much He talks about this the friend who says not a close friend But a guy who's like a second maybe like a fourth tier acquaintance. Yeah, and they say I love you That's brutal I've

Noticed it more because someone said to me recently and I was like wait men Yeah, throwing that out now and it's no way Yeah, I don't like it because I know women throw it out a lot And I'll say it to my male friends like I would probably say it to you We had a like a really nice lunch or something. We have like history though. Yeah, exactly, I'd be like, love you, and I might feel a little weird, like did I just say something I say to Norm,

but that's really strange. I don't love you. I think it's a forced we're gonna connect now. What does it sound like? You know, like we'll be hanging out, he's like, all right man, take it easy, love you, see you later. I've gotten more intense ones, I've gotten the text.

Oh, it's exciting. Yeah, I love your text. Oh, God. And you're like, I don't know how to play this. I don't know what the- Give it a heart. And that's even- That's brutal.

That's a shutdown right there, though. It's not a thumbs up, it's a shutdown. No, it's love. Like a thumbs up is what you should get. Like it's just too much, the love. And what does it mean if you're just saying it to everyone? Exactly, exactly. Yeah. It's like the N-word. You gotta say it.

But they don't know that we know they're saying it to everyone. Or maybe they're not saying it to everyone. Maybe they're just... Yeah. Maybe they love you. That's just fine, but don't tell me. You need to know we react more to torture and being treated poorly. Yeah, I want to walk away questioning if you like me at all. Not being certain that you love me. You need to know we react more to torture and being treated poorly. Yeah What questioning if you like me at all

You love me no the person who says I love you I got the text and I was like, I don't know I guess I got to say it back but I gave it like a what I did was I gave it like a seven hour Wait, whoa, that's it. Love you back. So I was like that way You know, like I had to think about I could I didn't know what to write back. Yeah, yeah. Who was it, Swartzen? I love Swartzen. I do love Swartzen. I do love Swartzen.

You gotta throw Swartzen, I love you. You don't know if it's gonna be the last time you ever talk to him. Every time I talk to Swartzen, I go, is this the final, is this gonna be the screenshot I look at for the rest of my life? I love him so, so much. It'll be on the wall soon, this is our dead comment.

Yeah, yeah, oh my God. No, I'm just kidding. Well, he's behind the wheel, who the fuck does that? I mean, yeah, I mean, he'd probably make the same joke. Look at him. Yeah, exactly. He's sending me unhinged sports text lately, which I love. Oh, yeah.

He's such a hardcore Minnesota everything sports fan. Oh, that's right. He's the best. He's a good egg. I love Minnesota, I was just there, that is a great town. It is. We love the Midwest. You're a Midwesterner I love Minnesota, I was just there. That is a great town. It is. We love the Midwest. You're a Midwesterner. Love it.

Yeah, yeah, I live in St. Louis. You're like a long line of funny St. Louis people. Yeah. There's a lot of funny St. Louis people. There are, Greg Warren. Greg Warren's great. Cedric the Entertainer, John again. John again could be like,

millennial levels right now. Do you agree? Forgot to see millennial levels and he just was like, I'm gonna- I think these other ones back in the day were like- Relatively agree. He just wanted to have a family and be around for them. Yeah, and-

Have you ever related to anything less? No. No. McBadarrad as well? Yes. He's St. Louis? Yeah, he's St. Louis' Sklar Brothers. What?

Yep. Who else? God, Chuck, yep. Kathleen Madigan. Wow. Madigan St. Louis too? Uh-huh. Oh my God.

J.B. Smoove, am I crazy? Isn't that a good one? I think you're, I think you're. I might be crazy. I think you're crazy. All right. But yeah. Yeah, that's a lot of people.

I mean, when you guys think about having kids and being on the road, do you go, oh, I'll just have to make it work and bring them on the road, or I'm just gonna have to fit it in, or? I hope to be. I'll have to take time off the road. Oh, it's was way off.

I hope to be rich enough. I see Malaney has his baby in a green room, but he's like a zillionaire with help and private jet and all that, so that seems nice. Yes. Baby in the green room with the Mexican lady. Yeah, baby on the tour bus. Yes.

Because you don't wanna fly with it everywhere. No, no, List had to do, List and Sarah did the LA trip with the baby and it's like hunker down battle stations, get the binky and the towels and the diapers and stuff. Yeah. I just don't, I think it's hack to complain about babies on flights, but when you really break it down you're like, where does this baby have to go? Like, why does this baby have to go? Why does any baby have to go anywhere? And I know it's like, it has to see Grandma before she dies. Does it?

Just show Grandma, get a baby in town, and show that you want to. Rent a baby. Yeah, rent a baby. Grandma won't know the difference, the baby won't know the difference. It's just like, it just seems stressful for everyone involved.

The gateway for like a child actor, he was a rent-a-baby. Yeah, totally is. All the babies that are gonna actor. He was a rent-a-baby. Yes, totally is. All the babies that are going to abort, make it a rent-a-baby. Rent-a-bort. That's killing what's going to be. I've seen a kid in business class.

Oh. The worst. Little legs of those giant. They don't hit the floor. Their own seat? Oh, I've seen that. Yeah, I've seen it a lot. Fuck, I didn't even think of that.

They have their own iPad, too, those rich cunts. They should be ashamed. I know I don't think I'd Be able to let my kid do that. No, no, I guess they want to keep an eye on their kid But they're not gonna be molested in coat. It's fine Depending on the airline, but yeah, the beauty of first class is the room These kids don't need the room put them in the middle in 28 a By the way, molesting coach sounds like the saddest molestation story ever. He was molested on Spirit Airlines. He had to pay $50 to get molested.

Damn. I took an Air Canada flight the other day and I was in, I just forgot to book it on time, so I was in like 29 whatever C and it and it was, it's an eye-opener. Yeah. Yeah, it's brutal. I still fly coach though, a lot. I like curling up. I don't mind. Short flights, it's not a big deal to me, but if it's a six hour one, I'm 6'3". Oh yeah, no way can you do that. Two hours and 15 minutes is what I've told my people. If it's under, two hours and 15 minutes, coach I've told my people if it's under two hours and 15 minutes Coach over can't do it get the guy walking by going hey glazer um

Now a little bit like literally in the next in the last week that started for me But now who's the craziest person that like DM you about the roast or reached out or um Harvey Weinstein I'm too old for him. I would say Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, missed out to me and said good job, which was really nice because she was there and she was like, I don't know how you do that. I'm like, you did it. And you do it every day. You're getting roasted constantly. So that was really nice.

But it's just like everyone from like JWoww to Wow. Jamie Foxx. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, just like, yeah. Jamie Foxx is the first one that I'm like, okay, that's really cool. Yeah, that's one where I, yeah,

that he like FaceTimed me yesterday. It was so cool. Whoa. Yeah, I was on a plane so I couldn't answer it, but that's the kind of things that's happening. But it's like, there's a part of you that goes, I've always, everyone seems to care right now and want it's like, there's a part of you that goes, everyone seems to care right now and wanna be like,

hey, what are you up to? Let's work with you. And it's like, I've been here all along. There's a part of me that's like, where were you? But there's also a part of me that's like, no, I'm still the person that is shit that you didn't wanna work with. Like there's more of that.

And you'll be there in six months. Yeah, like it was just a moment where you think maybe I was better than I, I don't know, I'm having a lot of imposter syndrome stuff with it, but I think that's, who doesn't? That's a good head on your shoulders though, because everybody's like, I'm the best, here I am, I finally made it to the mountaintop,

but it goes away, it all goes away. Yeah, you're a real comic to feel that way. I think if you were like, well, it's about motherfucking time, that's kind of like, that's ridiculous. It really grosses me out when people are like that. I just, I mean, it's nice to believe in yourself and there are times where I have like spurts of it,

but overall I think I'm, you know, pulling one over on everyone. No. And not like, like I just, it's about hard work. Like some people are like, there's, when you get told you're talented, you want to go, no, it was hard work. And then if someone says you're really hard working,

you go, no, I'm talented. We want both, I guess. And when one is, I don't know, it's just, that's kind of where I'm at. But you're both and they met and you had a great opportunity and here we are. But you're not a real comic if you don't have just like this much self-loathing. You just have like a hint.

Yes. Is that Jeff Ross? Well, it's true. People that like claim to have high self-esteem and they're comedians, I just, I think they're lying to themselves. Either they're lying to others or they're lying to themselves.

You just can't, it's just, we need constant validation in ways that other artists don't. We need constant, we all know this. Yeah, of course. Do you still like me? Do you still like me? Laugh, laugh, like, can you imagine just singing a song and wondering the whole time if people give a shit

until the very end when they have to applaud no matter what so you know that you can't really trust them? Crazy. But at least with laughter, it's like, you can't really get it out of people. People aren't gonna be nice and just give it to you, so it's honest. Yes. And you need it constantly checking in.

So like, musicians don't really get a true read of people because you have to applaud at the end of a song, no matter what. Totally. Also, they don't know really until they just do the song. Yeah. Which is also weird,

because we can run a bit by a friend, like, hey, is this funny? Have you heard this? Yeah. But I also realize how much I put on myself. Like, I was in a bad mood yesterday. I was like in a grumpy mood. And then I did three spots at the cellar

and I left in a good mood. And I'm like, maybe it's not healthy to put that much on comedy, but some nights it's a nice little thing to have. Yeah, cause you create, you probably did a new joke that worked or something. I'm guessing that was what did it. It wasn't just like your old jokes killing.

Yeah. Cause that wouldn't do it for us. That wouldn't do shit. And I think people misinterpreted that like, oh you could have a great set, but if it's a great set of shit that's already been working, no thanks. But if I've done something new, found a new way to make people laugh

and validate that I'm like clever and funny and smart and hardworking, then yeah, that's where I feel like, I just, all I have to do is like work on something, have it be good, like reaffirm that it was good, and then I I feel like, I just, all I have to do is like, work on something, have it be good, like, reaffirmed that it was good, and then I'll feel good about myself, but for some reason it's so fucking hard for me to sit down and write new stuff.

Even though that's always, I mean, you guys are so fucking prolific. You just did an HBO special, and that's out now. And now, are you back to zero? No, I taped an hour 45, so I have 45 to mess with right now. I've never related to anything less. Okay, okay. I've never put out.

Your special was so fucking smart doing like 45 minutes. I thought she was calling my material smart. She was like, it was so short. Are you kidding me? No, you know how I felt about your special, brilliant. I mean, you guys are two of my favorite, like most brilliant minds going, and everyone who listens to this podcast fucking knows it.

But- Mattel did like 38 in his last one. It's so smart. It's great. I really, that's my goal for the next special is to whittle it down to like, I want no fat on it. And I just- This one's a little longer that I just taped,

but it's like, yeah, it's not, so how long is the actual special you just put out? An hour, you know, like exactly an hour. But you know, on the road I've been, there was times where I was doing like an hour and a half and hour 20 and like, and then my tour manager was just like, I think we need to get it down to 65. And it was like a really kind way of being like,

people just get exhausted after a while. It's not that you're not doing well, but I think that's it's too much I agree now with the tick tocks and the yeah the new 80 who am I to? Yeah Demand that much attention from people but you know how movies still are long though So it was the following moons like three and a half hours, but they're like comedy 38 minutes. Yeah Yeah, that's and winner there was some someone that's, and winner, there was some, someone made a point of like,

when are you supposed to go to the bathroom if you go see it in a movie theater? You are definitely going to miss something. I pee during Oppenheimer, miss the nuke. Yeah. I'm gonna do it. There's an app that tells you when to pee during the movie.

Get the fuck out of here. Right, but you still miss something. You don't need to see, makes the difference. Wow. Yeah, I could do that for a Taylor Swift era's tour. Right, but you still missed something. You don't need to see, makes the difference. Wow. Yeah, I could do that for Taylor Swift's era tour, that's what I do for people. Like I've been to 12 shows and so I like. The Taylor Swift joke in the roast.

Yeah I did, I squeezed one in. Cause there were a lot that were pitched to me of like kind of disparaging her a little bit and I was like I would never. And not because I, you know, not only because it would be dangerous to do so, but because it's just not how I feel about her, but I was able to finesse it in a way

that made it like pro her. But yeah, so that's a tricky thing. It's like a moss, you can't piss her off. It's so true. It is. You can't draw her either. Yeah. They came after Barstool Big Cat, remember?

And he didn't even say anything bad, it was crazy. I forgot what he said, but it was nothing. Yeah, we're insane. It doesn't get her due for helping the economy. She's bringing in so much money. Crazy, oh, she was just in Paris, and Paris is hosting the Olympics, and they're like, we can't do what we just,

the Olympics will not top what just happened in our town for four nights of her here. They're already worried about it. It's like, it's helped their economy even more than they predict the Olympics to. So it's next level. I was in Philly the same night as her and my family went to go see her.

Oh, fuck. Like, please. No, I've seen, I went to see her 12 times this year. I just toured and went, I just would fly to cities. If I had the weekend off, that's how much I don't like to be home doing regular things. I was like, I'll go on tour with her.

If someone does 12 tour dates in a year, you'd be like, that's a tour. Like I went on tour with Taylor Swift. Wow, that's great. When I added it all up, I was like, Jesus Christ. But I just, I- Did you get a deal on the tickets at least? I ended up getting one eventually,

but at first I was shelling out. Like I paid $7,500 for two seats each. Did you get a deal on the tickets at least? I ended up getting one eventually, but at first I was shelling out, like I paid $7,500 for two seats each. Me and my mom front row. Cause I was like, it was the same, like around the same time. That's how I feel about like Nick's tickets. So I would follow back to the themes.

Yeah, I mean, it's relatable. I feel like to people who really care about sports or deadheads, you know, Phil Hanley, I mean, so he's seen and it's just the way it is. But yeah, I decided not to freeze my eggs or do any kind of stuff like that and that was gonna be $30,000 to spend it just Walgreens

in one fell swoop to get fat for a couple months and have some eggs frozen that I'm never even gonna use because the only reason I would ever use them is if I end up with a guy who won't adopt like that's kind of what that was my thing. You think you would adopt? Yeah I would adopt in a fucking second. What? Okay here's my pitch on adoption. Don't talk her out of it. Well I understand. No no. Kids are ugly and weird and confused. But that's the great thing is that if the kids are fucked up like they're not smart or they're not that cool or they're ugly it cool, or they're ugly. It's not my fault.

I can relax a little bit around it. I think we have trauma because we are extensions of our parents, and if we showed any imperfection, they're like, stop, you're me! And it puts a lot of pressure on a kid. But if your parent is just like, yeah, you're fucking dyslexic because it's your birth mom or whatever, I'm not gonna make you feel dumb about it.

You can be more relaxed about it. I like this, good angle. And of course I wanna see myself in a kid. Like, that's the narcissistic thing. Like, I wanna see what I wanna look like. I see myself in a kid all the time. But yeah, no, I'm sorry. That's just sort of more, that was good.

Yeah. But I do, the reason I was doing it was, I'm in a relationship and he would adopt too. But I was like, if we break up and I end up with a guy who doesn't want to adopt, because I know most men don't, that's like the worst thing to raise someone else's child. Like it's ingrained in you to not do that at all costs. So I understand why men don't.

That's literally a bit I have right now. Really? The bit is, the start of the bit is based on the premises. Like I heard a kid complain about his stepdad and I just want to walk up to him and be like, guess what, he didn't want this either. That's no one's plan A to be like, someday I'll raise the kid of the guy

who came in the woman that I love. Right. Absolutely. It's true. And it's like you are- I have a stepdad, so I know. I mean, it's, you know. Kid, like if you have, are being raised by your stepdad, you're more likely to get beat, killed. Like it's- Really?

Because it's biologically like, it's a waste of your male resources to raise a kid that is not gonna pass on your genes, to be tricked, to be cuckolded, to be like, it goes against everything. So I'm not even mad when men are like, I don't wanna adopt it. I used to be like, oh, cause you want you,

it's like, yeah, it's ingrained in us. But I think, I don't know, for me, I just, I think I'd be okay with it because I think it would make it an easier job as a mom. Because it wouldn't be me. I would take whatever they give me. Nice. I really would have to do whatever they give me.

Because I feel that way about rescue dogs. Like there's a part of me that's like, I wanna rescue, but I want it to look this way. And it just makes me so sad to think that I would pass, a dog would die because I'm like, but it doesn't look cute with my outfit or whatever. You just want it to look this way and it just makes me so sad to think that I would pass a dog would die because I'm like But it's doesn't look cute with my outfit or what you know you just want it to look a certain way So I probably but of course I'd prefer Just I guess I go Asian. I think Asian too. I yeah

Great in the flight what great in the flight great'm not Asian. You don't have to know. Great on a flight. What? Great on a flight. Great on a flight. They might invent something. They might invent something. Samoan is too big.

They eat all the shit in your house. But it's just fun. Yeah. I think it's funny when people make excuses why they don't adopt. Cause it's always just like, it's just, you know, it's so hard and it's costly. And adopt because it's always just like, it's just, you know, it's so hard and it's costly

and like all the things, it's like, that's what having a kid, like it's all hard, the red tape, but it's really like, they just are like, I just wanted my kid to be white. Like that's really what it's about. It's like, you just want them to look like you, but you have to make it about like, it was so nice, noble that you do it.

I could never, it's like when people go, I could never live in New York. Right, right. You could. You absolutely could. But also for the guy, it's like nothing really. I mean, adopting this actual like maybe paperwork. Sure.

Background check. Background check, but if you're a guy and you just come in a room, that's all you had to do. It's so easy. And that's why I'm trying to work on a bit about it too about how when I talk to my male comic friends about this, you know, we're at the same age where we're like, what do we do, like career or family?

And when you guys say things like, I think I wanna be a dad, I'm just like, I think I wanna be a dad. It's just like, there is something to it. Like, I would too. I'm not mad about it, but it is easier to be a dad. It just is. And it's just the way it is.

It's like, I think I'm trying to change the vibe, the tone of it being like, why don't men do as much as women? It's like, we don't let you. Like mothers don't even let you. There's not a chance to. So it's just the way the gender roles like go. I could totally be just Kirsten

and be the kind of husband father figure of a lesbian relationship But as a woman who's straight I just I don't know if I'd be attracted to a man that wants to fill that role Even stay at home dad over here good for you gross While she's carrying the baby. Yes, it's so much. It's a lot more. And speaking of coming, we have to try not to come

in a woman, that's also a challenge. It's not just we get to come in a woman, it's hard not to. What do you mean, like to not have a kid? No, no, meaning like, it's so easy for a guy, all we have to do is blow a load at a lady, and that's actually challenging to not do it. Like I'm saying, I have to think of baseball

and my grandma just to not jizz or I wanna shoot it on the tits or whatever it is. So it's actually a challenge to not jizz. Yeah. That's another bit I was working on was like, I don't understand when women want to be moms. Like I get the biological urge and stuff, but when you logically look at how much it changes your life

and like how thankless it becomes and how lonely you get and how your friends kind of drop off and everyone's excited when the baby comes, but then they kind of forget about you. Like being a mom is a really lonely thing, I think. And like the really only reason I could, when someone's like, oh, I'm going to have a baby, the only reason where I could be like,

I could see why that's a good idea is like, if they're like, yeah, it just felt good to get cummed in and abortions are hard to get. That's the only reason where I'd go, okay, that makes sense you're having it, because it does get, it feels so good to get it in you. Does it really? Yes, and no, I don't think people talk about this a lot.

Is that a bad sign that neither of us knew this? No, I think it really is a novel thing, but yeah, it feels good, because it's good because it's obviously it's supposed to feel Good because you're trying to make a kid and that's what's but it's and there's nothing wet on you It's inside the cleanups inside Feel a little bit but like you feel maybe like the more the tensing of the penis And like that kind of like thing. And the sounds they make.

Ugh. Yeah, I think it's more that. But I don't think you like feel it. No, I don't think you like feel a squirt inside you or anything like that. But yeah, I think that does feel satisfying. And it sucks that you like can't do it unless you're on the pill.

Oh, right. Or in a condom, but like. Or the IUD. Yeah, or the, yeah, the IUD, I got that taken out. That was horrible. You feel it, right? Yeah, it's sharp. It's sharp.

And it hurts to get it put in. Like women, I blacked out in pain when I got it put in, and then they have to take it out, and then I was getting horrible migraines from it. It was terrible, yeah. I'd rather just, Plan B, I guess. Yeah. If you think it might have slipped or, you know.

A borscht. Borscht. Yeah, yeah, my lady had the IUD, got it out. She was a weirdo for like a month. Yeah. Headaches? No, just like weird, different, bodily stuff. Cause it has to, she had it for years.

So I think your body has to come back to normal. And if you meet a guy and fall in love with him when you're on the pill and you get off it, you can become disgusted with him, because it changes what you're attracted to. Have you heard this? That explains it. It's so true.

Your hormones can make you completely repulsed by someone. Because when you're on the pill, your body thinks it's pregnant, and you're putting out hormones that you're pregnant, which is like attracting a different kind of person. And so yeah, it really throws you off. Whoa. But luckily I'm getting to the point

where it's like not, I'm about to be 40, and it's kind of, you know, you can have a baby until 45, kind of, if you're rich enough. Totally, totally. So I'm excited to like age out of this, like you could still do it kind of, if you're rich enough. Totally, totally. So I'm excited to age out of this, you could still do it kind of thing, because that's a shitty thing where it's like, Do you feel pressure from your parents?

No, not at all. They're like, my sister had kids, so I provide them with, I took them to the roast, they come to Kimmel with me, they live the best life through me, so there's no pressure, but. You might have one of the best comic parental relationships of all time. I really do. I keep a nice healthy distance.

Yeah. They're in New Orleans. I don't let them come here. I barely go there. It's a buffer. Yeah, mine are really supportive and it sometimes makes me feel like maybe I'm not as good of a comic because my parents support me too. It hasn't, but it is a rebellion. I'm talking about gang bangs on stage. My dad has to kind of, it is doing the thing. I would never describe you as a comic who's up there with fear, ever. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's cool that they support all that. I feel like my parents are pretty supportive too. Yeah. There was definitely some bits where my mom's like, did that really happen? I'm like, yes, unfortunately it too. There was definitely some bits where my mom's like, did that really happen? I'm like, yes, unfortunately it did. That's the other thing.

They're worried about my safety, I think. Oh, interesting. When I do something stupid. Yes, yes. I have a joke about blowing my head off and really being like, that's the plan at some point in my life. And my mom literally saw me do the bit

and she's like, you stop Satan. People don't wanna picture that, that is horrible. Like her concern was like other people's enjoyment of making other people feel uncomfortable that I'm blowing my head off. Then the realistic truth, which is your daughter wants to maybe blow her head off someday. She's like, people don't wanna picture that shit.

And then her response when she comes to see my show, she's so supportive, but is, I can't believe all these people love you. Wow. Like that's her, like she's just in awe, like people love you and she's excited about it, but there is this like she cannot believe that I've. So then that feeds my imposter thing of like,

she's kind of like, how did you trick all these people? Because I know the real you, you're great, I love you, but not on this scale. Did you see the Steve Martin doc? No, I haven't actually, oh, I gotta see that. His mom shows up and says the same thing at a show. Right. It's very relatable, I wanna check it out.

But they're learning, I've coached them now on what to say and what not to say, and so they're really just like, they're learning. I've coached them now on like what to say and what not to say and so they're really just like they're perfect stage parents and and you know it After the roast my mom literally went up to Tom Brady We were not supposed to like be able to meet him, but he was leaving as we were coming backstage I'm Nikki's mom wasn't she great. He's like I don't even know who Nikki is like I just learned her name, and I'm gonna forget it by the time I go to the car like

But he was a little shell-shocked after that. So it was just a Yeah, but just having my mom hearing my mom because I have already walked away and she's behind me say wasn't she great making Tom Brady have to go. Yeah, she was great. It was just stuff Yeah, one of my favorite parts of the roast is when, because you see so many cutaways, just random people, just random famous people. Totally. For some reason, I think my favorite cutaway was you did that joke about I would join the lottery,

I would sign up for a lottery. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what, and then. I would shoot my boyfriend in the face for a lottery ticket to suck your dick, yeah. Amazing, and it cuts away to Todd Glass, like literally. No. To see a comic that, just that happy and laughing that hard. He was the best laugher. For some reason that was like, for some reason seeing Todd Glass just looping me. To see a comic that, just that happy and laughing that hard.

He was the best laugher. For some reason that was like, for some reason seeing Todd Glass just made me laugh. So satisfying, yeah, yeah. I love him. You were so tight on that, because like Jeff Ross is obviously, you know, a great roaster, but he was kind of a lot of this,

and like, how about I give it up for that? And you were just like, machine gun, I loved it. Yeah, I just didn't want, I didn't want anything to happen that I didn't have control over. So I didn't want to give room for anyone to get up and come up to the mic and say something, you know? And I had worked it out so fucking much.

You can tell. That it was like, I was going, I didn't need the prompter. Where would you roast it? Roast it, where do you work it out? Laugh Factory, Improv, Comedy Store, I would do like six sets a night. Were certain jokes crushing in the room

that didn't do quite as well there or vice versa? There were a lot of jokes I pulled because, well, you had to set the stage. So like the audience at Laugh Factory on 11 p.m. show on a Wednesday night don't know who Drew Bledsoe is. So it was like, okay, so Drew Bledsoe, so you understand he's the reason we know Tom Brady.

He was in, like he had to give all this backstory. So you're like, is this gonna work if I don't use the backstory? And then you have to describe what people look like. I'm like, Sam Jay is a black lesbian with short hair and that's all you need. There's more to her, but that's all you need to know to understand that joke.

And so there were, but so, the stuff about like, I wanna suck this guy's dick and how hot you are, like that's a little wonky because you're talking to a person that's not there and you're trying to like, and they kind of sense that it's a performance rather than in the moment. So there, I will say like, I think it's the hardest thing to do because you just can't plan

for what it's gonna be like in the room and when those people are sitting there. And it's live. And it's live. And I knew it was, it's still number one. I was just saying I was on an airplane. Eight laptops were watching the road. Yeah.

I was on it yesterday. Yeah, it's everywhere. The fact that it was live was terrifying, but I'm so glad it's over. Don't you just think? Oh. I keep saying that and I think people who care about me and me having a good career are like,

stop saying that you worked hard and that you're glad it's over. And I'm like, but that is the truth of it. Like, I did well because I worked hard. And we don't get, we want all, I feel like we want TV stars and things like this just to be naturally, that's just the way they are. But like we don't mind athletes working extremely hard

and that's like, oh, that's how they got it and that's why they're great. But I did work extremely hard and I'm fucking so glad it's over because it was so much pressure. And did I have fun during it? No! Did I have fun as soon as I sat down?

Yes, that's why I was begging to go up soon because I didn't want my whole time up there like ha ha and looking at the prompter, making sure other jokes of mine weren't being done. I mean, poor Andrew Schultz, the immense amount of anxiety that you have watching the prompter and just to see if your joke comes up because your joke's already locked in

and it's a live show, there's no commercial breaks. There's no like, hey, someone did my joke, can we take it out of the prompter and just to see if your joke comes up because your jokes already locked in and it's a live show, there's no commercial breaks. There's no like, hey, someone did my joke, can we take it out of the prompter? You just have to like do your act. Kevin Hart did one of my jokes. And he said that Tom's dick got CTE from like fucking so much after Giselle and I had a joke about masturbating to Tom

that my clit got CTE and I thankfully had a tag that like made it different. But it was the same joke and I was like, how did no one catch that? What else didn't they catch? So yeah, well thank God. Clit is different enough. It was different enough and there was enough time

in between us that was perfect for them to forget. But this is all going on in your head while you're sitting there. And I'm like kind of like talking to my laugh mic, like I have a joke that's the same, but no one's, I don't have an in-ear, no one's getting back, I can't. So Kim Congdon, who worked with me on my set,

is sitting front row and I'm just looking at her, I go, what do I do, what do I do? And like, Jeff Ross is at the day, so I'm like laughing and ha ha ha, and I'm like. And she just goes, just do it, just do it. And I was like, yeah, just do it. And then I said, oh, because there was no one. There was no one yeah, just do it. And then I said- So helpful to have that there. Oh, I, cause there was no one. There was no one else.

Jeff sat down afterwards and I go, Jeff, Trevin had the same joke as me. And he goes, which one? And I explained it. He goes, just do it. And I was like, okay, that's all I needed. But it was, yeah. And I kind of, I really got lucky,

as you guys know, of like the amount of time that an audience can can subconsciously forget. They won't laugh as hard at that joke. There's no chance, because they've heard it. But they don't know that they've heard it. They won't be able to place it. So it was the exact amount of time that they could forget. If I would have been up five minutes earlier,

it would have been confusing to people. Exactly. And that's stuff the audience will never understand. No. Just experiment experience of doing comedy over and over. Yeah. But there's so many things when it comes to a roast set that I think I didn't really even consider.

I think when I first was doing roast sets, it's like, just do the funniest jokes. If the joke is the funniest, put it together. And then you just have a bunch of jokes that are kind of non sequitur. But so many jokes are like, there was one about Tom Brady's diet and how His his refrigerator is a lot like Kevin Hart empty inside And it's like that works if you like know Kevin Hart is kind of soulless and just says yes to everything but most Americans just think Kevin Hart's like he loves what he's doing and if there's intention behind it and there is and I come to

Find out he's not as empty inside as I thought but he actually is a thoughtful person but that joke I was like okay it'll work but now we have to have two jokes leading up to it that kind of present that idea. So like every joke you make you have to like kind of tell the audience. That's why jokes like saying things like

when I go Andrew or Julian, you squinty-eyed fuck boy, that's setting up how I feel about him other than just doing a joke about him being a fuck boy. So that was a device we kind of found. But there's so much. Edelman was great. He was so great.

I used to do a podcast with him, he's my buddy. That's right. I knew he was gonna kill because he was sending me the jokes before and I was like, you know, just give my two cents on it, but he was like so fucking nervous and I was like, I don't know if people were telling you this, go up at the comedy store and he did, he did the-

He did, he was the only one because I was out, it was like me and Jeff and then Andrew was, Schultz was here doing was doing stuff in New York but yeah I go where's great Tom Brady going out like you have to run this somewhere you have to say it out loud other than on your private jet yeah to your two agents I saw Randy Moss tough spot tough spot he had to follow you and it was he was adorable he's like I gotta say I'm nervous. It was cute. So adorable, I was like, I love this guy. Yeah, I really, everyone came off great.

Gronk was hilarious. I just felt like it was such a. Gronk was, and also these guys like Gronk and Edelman, I think, and Moss, I think they're very humble guys because they're so fucking, they're all so great. But Moss was like one of the best receivers ever, but like, and obviously, but Edelman was another like late pick

He was another like late. So he wasn't supposed to be this and he knows it and he's that's why he's such a humble nice guy Yeah, and he's five ten. Yeah, he worked his ass off. Oh, yeah. Yeah That's the thing. These guys are that's like the whole thing about Taylor Swift dating Travis Cali scene people are like, why is it working? It's like Because he's secure. He knows who he's not like this like a tortured artist who's insecure. I feel like athletes are like, they have championships. They have stats to document how great they are.

It's not just hearsay. Black hole of insecurity we can fill. There's just a lot of security around it. So although I saw Gronk before the roast and he seemed really calm and I go, what, are you calm about this? Cause I'm nervous. And he's like, no, I'm freaking out.

Like that was really, he was like, this is worse than like Super Bowl. Like the way I'm feeling right now. But, and someone said the same thing about Tom Brady said he was in the Super Bowl. Someone said that Tom Brady was pacing around and someone very close to him said he was pacing around in the bowels of the Kia Forum in a way

that they've never seen him before before a game. And that they've, it was that high level of a performance. And it makes sense, because he's never done it before. But I thought that they just all were so charming in themselves and just how cute it was, which we've all been there where Gronk is like, and I wrote that they just all were so charming in themselves and just how cute it was, which we've all been there, where Gronk is like, and I wrote that one. Like, you know, he felt what it's like to write a joke

and have that response. You kind of saw him understand how great it feels to write jokes. Yeah, it was really cute. I did a private event with Gronk once and they literally paid him to just go there and get drunk with them. And I had to do a set for the worst fucking, the people that got drunk with Gronk once and they literally paid him to just go there and get drunk with them Yeah, and I had to do a set for like the worst fucking the people that got drunk with Gronk Right the worst fucking crowd ever. Yeah, and he was so cool. He was such a nice. He's so nice. Yeah humble. Yeah

Are you are you guys still doing are you doing a lot of corporate private gigs? I'm doing corporates and I'm bombing every one of them. Yeah, but the money is so ridiculous Yeah, yeah I'm doing corporate and I'm bombing every one of them. But the money is so ridiculous that you can't say no and you can kind of get in and out because if you structure it the right way, like a meet and greet, I do it before the show before they've lost hope in me. Yeah.

And if I bombed then I don't have to be like fake nice and be like, that was great. Because sometimes you want to eat with you and drink with you. Yes. That's the hard part. But I did one in Toronto, this guy was a layup. He's like, I'm a huge fan, you got to do this bit, that bit know you're a little act. I was like, oh, it's gonna be a layup

I get up there. I'm bombing and he's in the front row going My act Jokes you handpicked and it's okay cuz you don't understand stand-up. Yes So that it's almost like I always whenever I do like those morning shows I always described as like a bank robbery where you like I need the car waiting for me when I get out of there Same thing about the fucking corporates. Yes, I need a car. Oh, I need I need to make my guess You're so right after those news appearances. I'm undoing my mic like as as they're Outroing me like I'm ready to flee because I just don't wanna have to face anyone after it.

It's, yeah, those, but. Matt Lauer would be less awkward. That is. Yeah. Where is he? What do you think he's doing right now? He's planning a comeback, I think. Is he?

Yeah, I think he's ready. I think we're ready to get him back. A decade, right? Yeah. A decade? No, I think it's probably been about seven years. No, me too, it was like seven years ago I think it's probably been about seven. No me too. It's like seven years ago So it's like seven. I mean he had the lock on the door though. Yeah, okay Wow

Yeah, I think he's ready to come back. He was loved he was and what did he do? He had yeah, he had the button on his desk Yeah, but who know I could some people say a lot of offices had that so I guess Interesting. I don't know enough about it Some people say a lot of offices had that. So I don't know. Oh, interesting. I don't know enough about it. You can lock it from your desk.

That's not a rape lock. That is just like, I don't keep my house. I heard he called it a rape lock though. Yeah, but that's funny. No, I don't know. I know nothing about it. Yeah, no, it's like, that's the way it goes. Like we, do you ever feel like you're waiting for,

like I'm always waiting if I get, like right now with the overexposure and I'm doing too many things, I'm like, people go from really liking you to being like, it's, she's annoying. It can be like, that can be. I can't think about it, because everyone is, if you're doing well and you're doing this, you're gonna do this at some point

and then you'll do this again. I mean, fucking Sinatra fell off for a while. I know! Everyone's gonna fall off. That sucks. That's why I don't let it in too much because I know it's going away. I don't want to have that withdrawal.

Right, right. Like I'm not getting high on this. Like my friends and family are all like, you're not letting this in enough. Like this is amazing. And I'm like, I'm not like being depressed about it, but I'm just like, yeah, it's cool. Because if I get it, it's gonna go away.

Yeah. But that's the same reason I don't want kids and I don't want to be in a committed relationship because I don't want to love something so much and then it will die like that's what I'm really worried a committed relation yeah but we're not getting married and it's like we've been we've broken up a million times there's no good it's like committed but like it's it feels very flimsy but this is great. He's a great man. But no, but that's why. I'm a great spouse.

But. It's a little flimsy. He knows what it is right now. That would be an awesome wedding actually. I love this relationship. I'm jealous. Well actually, it feels, my relationship feels like a marriage because people are like, because I go, it's really hard right now.

You know, we don't see each other and we're just like disconnected. And people go, that's like a marriage. I'm like, well then I'm not interested. Yeah. Why is that something, why is that, just because then I I'm like, well then I'm not interested. Why is that something? Why is that? Just because then I don't care for it. But I like our relationship because there's always this feeling of like, you'll always be there, right?

If like nothing else works out. Like, and I'll be there for you, right? Like we got each other. We can't fight. But we don't stay together during the hard times. We just break up. So we always have this idea that we can get back together but we date other people during. So it's like a marriage, but we don't have together during the hard times. We just break up. So we always have this idea that we can get back together, but we date other people during it.

So it's like a marriage, but we don't have to be together. How often do you break up? I love this. Now, it's been about three years since our last breakup. Before then, it was like pretty often. It's been 11 years of breaking up and getting back together, but three years this time. It's almost better to break up every few years. You get a few meaningless fucks out of your sister, you get sad, and then you go back

to the person. And you're like, I missed you. Oh my God, well. This is the few, I think. He might not, I don't mind when my partner has like a steamy encounter, like a flirtatious encounter. It makes me feel competitive, it makes me feel like I have to still earn him,

like it makes me feel like, oh, he's, other girls won him, like, look at this prize I got. It charges me up, I don't get jealous, I don't care. Because if someone's with me, they're with me, I'm not insecure in that way at all. The problem is, I think ladies can flirt in almost orgasm. Guys are like, we flirt to get to the bang. No, we flirt so that we can go orgasm later to the flirt.

In a similar way, I think. Do you think you're okay with him doing it because you just want him to be okay with you doing it? No, no, because he's not okay with me doing it. And I really only, like, I could, because if I am in a relationship where I'm feeling really satisfied, and we've been on shaky ground,

so I've kind of only referencing this because we've been on shaky ground, and it's kind of like, okay, if I end up single again, what else is out there? So maybe I'm kind of more in tune, when things are good I don't really care and honestly I realize after this roast I'm so competitive way more than I thought and I like winning things and I like a man who is in high demand who I am like winning every day and like. Well where are you going to be?

We don't want to take people too long. So many places. When do you start doing the devs? Oh, I'm gonna be in Salt Lake City, June 7th at Kingsbury Hall. I'm gonna be in Boulder, Colorado, a second show added at the Boulder Theater on June 8th. Then I'm gonna be in Cleveland, Indianapolis,

D.C., Connecticut, I mean on and on. I'm doing a Vegas residency. Wow. With David Spade at the Venetian. July 19th and 20th, plan a trip around that. I mean it goes on and on, I'm doing a Vegas residency with David Spade at the Venetian, July 19th and 20th, plan a trip around that. I mean, it goes on and on. You can check NikkiGlazer.com for tour dates. And my special is out now on HBO, Someday You'll Die.

I have a new song out called Someday You'll Die that I wrote for the special. People are calling it the song of the summer. There it is. There it is. How is the Venetian, is that fun? It's great, the song of the summer. Ha ha ha! There it is! There it is! How is the Venetian? Is that fun? Um, it's great.

The shows have been great. And then it's just a big enough venue. And I get to be with Spade. Oh yeah. And you know, one of my favorite comics ever. Oh my god, thank you. It's flattering. You gotta turn that music off.

It's making me uncomfortable. I know! It's too confident! But that's why I don't want to do musical comedy because then it's like, it's the opposite of confidence. It's like, I gotta make it funny. Because comedy is not confident. It's like, do you like me?

And then music has got to be like, you gotta kind of think you're badass. And so I had to like play that character, unfortunately. I know it's so cringe, I'm sorry. You don't have a ukulele, so we're all right. Um. Started 531, Mark. 531, all right. Palm Beach, whatever that place is called.

Raymond Kravis Center? Okay, performing arts, some other place in Fort Myers, College Street Music Hall, Botch Center in the Schubert Theater, that's fun. Sushos, Atrium Health Amphitheater, whatever. Charleston, Philly, Munhall, I think that's Pittsburgh, Seattle, Spokane, Baton Rouge, Pensacola, Sioux Falls, Cedar Rapids, marknormancomedy.com.

Get some Bodega Cat, watch Nicky's special, watch The Roast, pray for winning. Lexington, Kentucky, I'm building back a new hour, so starting back up. Yes. Starting from scratch here. Lexington, Kentucky. We got Brea, California in June. Good room.

Yeah, that's a good one. I love that room. I love that room. We got Atlantic City. That's with me and Chrissy Chaos, Chris and Stefano together, June 22 at the Caesars. What a show. It's going to be fun.

And we got little Gary and James Maddern coming with us. Nice. Oh, God. Rochester, New York, the 28th through the 30th it looks like. And then we got, yeah, Miami Improv-O-Matti, Baltimore in August as well. More coming. I'm slow to get back up here because we hit it so hard last year, but it's all coming. Theater's probably hopefully in like early next year

But I got a I got a redneck first so samorail.com or punch up dot live slash Samorail Get bodega cat whiskey Bodega cat whiskey calm should be at the cellar by that's right Really, we'll be at the car. That's great very excited and New York places you wanted hit us up Or who should he hit up Matt Herman? Yes, and Herman will send his website. We'll figure it out. We're better than email. Yeah, so hey Thank you, Nikki. What's special congrats on everything. Thank you. So fun. Gotta blow her boyfriend. I dare you Okay, we can't do the same. Now you've...

You've... You've got the dress in. Hey! That was great! What a party! talking shit about the fucking Pope and I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans.

This woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way We might be true