We Might Be Drunk - Ep 183: Chris Distefano and Joe DeRosa

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

This episode is catered by Joey Roses, if you want your sandwiches to taste how Joe DeRosa looks, grab a hard 8 from a guy with a limp 4. But in all honestly, Joey Roses has great sandwiches and Bodega Cat behind the bar (hopefully). Go see Chris and Sam in Atlantic city in June: https://punchup.live/show/4842ce9f-6e0a-4ff9-88ae-e3551ba06704 See Chris Distefano and Joe DeRosa on the road near you: Chris Distefano: https://chrisdcomedy.com/ Joe DeRosa: https://www.joederosa.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Mark Normand: https://marknormandcomedy.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Bodega Cat: http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/ If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD! Head to https://www.tryfum.com/DRUNK and use the code DRUNK for a free gift with your order of a Journey Pack. Support the show and get $5 off your Mando Starter Pack. Head to https://www.shopmando.com and use code DRUNK

Are we on the air? Oh shit, are we? Are we shit talking to roast the sandwiches on the air? Well... Well they made them the way he eats. Like, do you want to look like this? Come to our sandwich shop. Are you in a Coke-fueled bender?

You'll love this! It's got cottage cheese on it. Cottage cheese? There's all kinds of wacky shit on there. Is it really cottage cheese? No, but it's like Voodoo Donuts, you know, where they put a miscarriage on there and they call it a delicacy. Oh, it's got placenta, an afterbirth.

Salty and sweet, the placenta's salty. If you put it with like, you know, some sprinkles, it's not bad. The kid is sweet. Or he was. Oh boy. Tough opening. Well, in LA, apparently they drink placenta. Really? Kid is sweet. Yeah, he was oh boy tough opening well In LA apparently they drink placenta really it's good for you. They got bone broth placenta bone broth I get is that good when you're sick. You don't you don't have broth never had it

There's a place that I just ordered when I'm sick. He's chug broth. I don't know it feels good damn. Let me talk about Shit coming back. That's like medieval. Yeah. Drinking broth, brine. Everything comes back. Everything comes back. See, I have a friend, he's like, I have to eat 280 pounds of like, not 280 pounds, but like 280 grams or whatever

of ground meat every day. Wow. I'm 280 pounds. He's like a health nut. Ah. I'm like, I don't know if that's healthy or not. I don't know, but. Yesterday Mark told me, he's like,

I'm not feeling so good. I was like, what's up? He's like, I drank salt water this morning. I was like, that's know if that's healthier. I don't know but Yesterday Mark told me he's like I'm not feeling so good. I was like what's up? He's like I drank salt water this morning. I was like that's why I saw a YouTube video Some guy said have a spoonful of Himalayan sea salt in your water every morning It'll even out your your vital. Who is this guy? I know some quack on the internet and I felt like I was drowning in the ocean all day. It's like salty my tongue hurt my teeth were crunching salt It was bad and put it down. It's not easy He's described this guy's like a little cayenne pepper in your butthole wakes you up in the morning. That's the move

Dude, it really I know you mean though. I I follow this shit, too I'm so we're all searching for answers speaking of look at this slut with the the blowjob spit Get on the video if you're not watching the video folks if you're doing audio you're missing out on some primo porno. This is because I was eating a sandwich actually I gave her some tortilla. Ah that's true. Well. I gave her some rack. Gonna give her an only fans. Winnie's feet. What? Crotchless panties. What is that a dong coming out there? Oh that's a foot. It's a shirt. It's a little shirt. It says, listen up fives, the ten is talking. Yes!

Sassy bitch. I like it. So we're just talking about a friend of ours who has terrible breath and we can't, it's hard to tell. Cause you brought up bringing, like there's a thing that helps. How do you bring that up with someone? I don't know, I just be like, I think you're really doing me a favor. Like if your zippers open you want to know it's like hey I've been noticing a bad breath try this product. It really works. Yeah, but his zipper hasn't been open for eight years

This guy said bad breath. I remember we did a roast once remember We did that roast and we told one of the roast every roast comic did a joke about this one guy Who was like what did someone shit in your mouth? That was like the punchline of every joke. Yeah, what died in there? And he was like, I had no idea. Like, that's a weird way to find out. Well, it went from a roast to an intervention

about his aleptosis. His mom was there. But no, dude, there's something about it. It is hard to say to people, especially if you're not super close. Yeah. Like, he's like a friend, but he's not like, like, he's not, if it was Norman, I could be like, hey, your breath is bad.

Right. Yeah. And it's not a one-off either. Like, you can say, hey, your breath is bad, here's some gum, case closed. This is like year after year, every single time I see him, it's death. Kind of a good-looking guy too. I know, he's tall, full head of hair, smart as a whip. We keep giving away hints.

I'm gonna try and demonetize this real quick. A full head of hair, smart as a whip. Handsome. We keep giving away hints. Ah! I'm gonna try and demonetize this real quick. So have you ever dated a girl with a vagina that had like a scent or an odor? Sure, sure. Like an odor you didn't like? Never dated someone, but it's happened, yeah. And you wouldn't mention, if it's a one-off,

you don't mention it, but if it's someone you're dating, would you mention it? Well, what do you do, put a mint in there? We need vagina mints. We got a shark tank. You think the mouth conversation is hard Excuse me. Let me just put this in here real quick Well, I think you put it in with your mouth and you're like, oh, I heard this feels good. I see fresh the darkest dentine commercial yet

Shark stank Shark stank Yeah, that did have a new one. So I was like, je we go. Dark stank. Oof. Dark stank. I love it. Yeah, it did happen to me once where I was like, Jesus, because you think it's something else at first. You know what I mean? You're like, well, surely I left out milk or something.

Oh, man. This is dark. Well, yeah, yeah, the veg, you know they have pheromones and you pick up pheromones. I hooked up with a girl in Philadelphia. She was half Asian. She had a mohawk. And hey!

Oh! Speaking of stinky pussy. Hold on. Good, good. What's shaking? I'm surprised, baby. How you doing? Good to see you.

Right here. What's up, little thing? Ha ha ha. All right. I know you're filming, right? Yes, Winnie. Winnie! Winnie! Winnie the Pooh, no pants on.

Whoa, look at you. That was a poem right there. Yeah, we were just talking about when you go down there and it spells worse than you think. Yeah, there's been a couple of times where I have went down and then I've come right back up. Whoa! You kind of just do it and then you just start

kissing him in the butt in a little bit. Exactly, like, like you ever seen videos and pictures of like rhinos with like kind of half their nose out of water and like, it's kind of like that where you're like kind of up there doing it. But I, I didn't eat pussy for the longest time, but now I'm back. What happened?

I am back, I was constantly getting sore throats. Every time I did it, I would get a sore throat, but then I just powered through. The old Michael Douglas. The old Michael Douglas, now I'm back. What happened? I am but I was constantly getting sore throats every time I did it I would get a sore throat, but then I just powered through the old Michael Douglas the old Michael Doug's now I mean pussy and ass I'm back Michael Douglas complaining about the throat cancer. He was getting some top-shelf throat cancer Yeah, dude, Catherine Zeta. Good throat cancer. Absolutely. I want to eat Salacuse's pussy That's Gipper. Yeah This was a real riskless outfit Salacuse. How do you get away with it. Yeah, you're dressed like a little boy. Yeah You should have a lunch bucket or something. I feel like if I put a camera in my daughter's preschool right now There's a kid looks just like you sit in there eating his boogers. Yeah

You look like you're trying to impress a kid after school. You're like, you hang out. Oh yeah. You got a slingshot in that back pocket. That's it, baby. It is my kid's birthday today. Oh. Oh. Happy birthday. And your gift to him was you coming out as gay.

You look like you came here on a paper boat. Yes. Along the curve. Oh my God. I want to drown you in a bathtub. All right. You look like the guy they sodomize on the rugby team. Yeah.

I want people to know, because I'm not seeing this. Yes. There you go. Piss yellow sweater, the weird. Yeah, the hat on. Gilligan's Island hat. You look like a guy, like the doctor just told you, you have cancer.

So you're like, I'm gonna live my life to the fullest. And you just look like an ass. I'm gonna be me. That would be the guy on the guess who that I fall down immediately. Oh my God, Winnie Jesus. That's a good reference. Love you Winnie. Let's not drink till our other guest gets here because he's an alcoholic.

And now are these from Joey Roses? Oh you better believe it. My man. Good for you. One of them has peanut butter on it. They're tough. Peanut butter, frosted flakes, potatoes. I know. I've been trying to go high protein.

You know? You look great. I've been fucking pumping creatine, baby. Really? Does that have any bad effects? So according to the newest research, creatine, no, it's good for your brain, and that they think it's the safest supplement out there.

According to the research told to me by Joe Rogan. Well, got you to eat pussy again. Yeah, we're back, baby. Yeah, wait, you dipped out on pussy for a while. This is interesting. Well, I didn't dip out on it. It's just every time I would do it, I would get a sore throat.

And then what I discovered was, it wasn't necessarily the eating pussy. I was out there being single and I was kind of, you eat five pussies a week, somebody's gonna have something, you're gonna get sick, but when you stay with one pussy as I am right now, it's a beautiful thing and you know, it's nice and clean down there, dude.

Five? Five pussies a week. Five a week, that's like a Muslim. Dude, yeah, I know. It's like a Josh Hartnett movie in the 90s. I was going down there, man, I was going wild. Where's the, where's your old bartender? He got throat cancer.

Oh, did he? I ate her pussy. And uh. How about, how about bad breath? We were just talking about that. Where do you stand on, when someone has really bad breath, do you say something? So, interesting you bring this up.

But bad, bad. Three days ago, and I'm actually gonna bring this up to you and I want you guys to be honest with me. Three days ago, my girl, you know, I've been with for 10 years, was like, sometimes you have bad breath and I can smell it from like across the table. Oh.

And I was like, well, I've been eating five pussies a week. I know. I know. What do you expect? Five pussies a week for one day and you'll be black. Yeah, and he go, and so she, and then, so I went on this, like, I texted like 10 of my friends, like I was like, has there ever been a time

where you've smelt my breath and I didn't know about it? Cause the last thing you wanna be is the guy that has smelly breath, but is just confidently talking and doesn't know. And the only person who goes, he goes, you know, James Maddern, you know, I go on the road with all the time. I go, tell me the truth, do I ever have bad breath?

And he goes, no. And then I, and he goes, wait, maybe once or twice. And I go, tell me the truth, do I ever have bad breath? And he goes, no. And then he goes, wait, maybe once or twice. And I was like, what the fuck, dude? Tell me the truth. He goes, there was one time I remember it smelled pretty bad. And then I was like, oh my God. But then, but that's the only one. And then that was when I was single on the road.

So I was, I probably just had eaten this fresh chlamydia puss. But I do worry now that she just came out and she was like, I think you should go to the doctor, I think your tooth is rotting, or it's coming from your stomach. Whoa! And I was like, Jesus Christ, lady.

I think it's the stomach, because you can take a pill and it fucks with something in here. Do you guys think you have bad breath? We know a guy. We know a guy. In eight years, every day, shit breath. Yeah.

So we're gonna have to tell him. Is he known in the business too? Oh yeah, he writes on a big show. Don't stop, give me hints. He writes on Kimmy Schmidt. Oh yeah, Ari Shaffir. Well he would smell his own. No, it's interesting, I'm trying,

there's one guy that goes to the gym that's always got hot breath, but obviously he's on steroids, I wouldn't. I'm trying, there's one guy that goes to the gym that's always got hot breath, but obviously he's on steroids, I wouldn't say anything to him. But I don't know that I would tell, I wouldn't tell someone they have bad breath and I wouldn't tell someone they have food in their teeth. I know that people say, I'm just not that friend.

I'll be positive with you in other ways, but I don't wanna embarrass you. Well, it depends on the friend, because some guys you go, hey man, hey, and they go, oh, thank you. And then some guys are like, fuck you. I'm like, I was trying to help. Don't take it personally, it's not the friend because some guys you go hey man, and he goes oh, thank you And then some guys like fuck you like I was trying to help I'm right don't think it personally That's a weird type of dude to snap when you know you got a thing hanging out your teeth

I know or a booger. I'm always very paranoid about it because I eat a lot of like everything bagels Yeah, onion garlic well not just that but this you get seasoned you do one time I was getting one time I was getting again These are all my single days when I was five pussy a day Chrissy. Five pussy a week Chrissy. I was getting a blowjob from a girl, smoke show. But she had a huge booger in the sex act

that was hanging out of her nose. And she was looking up at me, all sexy, whatever. But this booger was hanging. I was getting softer and softer. And she was like, and then she got off and she was like, really, whatever, but like this booger was hanging. I was getting softer and softer. And she was like, and then she like got off and she was like, really? You're getting soft? I was like, no, it's not that.

I'm just like trying to get into it. I'm nervous. I was like, I'm cheating on my family. And I was just like making up excuses. And then she like, you know, like just stopped and like it got awkward, but then we like went to like go eat where she was like, whatever, it's fine. We went to go eat, but she still had this booger.

And I'm like, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything. And I couldn't really see past it. And now she's been, you know, like, like she's, you know, I don't know, well, she lives in another country, but like every time I see her, you know, on, on social media, she looks beautiful, but I can only think about that booger and I I can't, I'm fully disconnected from her. That's tough.

That is tough. I know what you mean though. My friend, we went out to eat once to like this soul food place, and the lady had a wart with like 38 hairs coming out of it. And it was wild, right on the chin. And he wouldn't eat there. He's like, I cannot eat here.

I'm like, it's the best food in town. And he's like, I saw the ward, I gotta go. Best pizzeria in Brooklyn for a while. It's closed now, it was out in Bay Ridge when I was living out there. Unbelievable pizza, the waitress had one arm, couldn't eat there. Now we're reaching.

No, no, no. She's not. But here's the reason why. How do you toss it? Here's the reason why. She had the nub, which is fine. People have, but one day she was serving us the pizza and we got like a type of pizza with regatta on it

and there was regatta on the nub. When she served it so I couldn't, every time I would see her I would just think about her regatta nub and I couldn't eat there. Lick it off dude, you're eating chlamydia vagina. Lick it off, lick it off. Well that's too close to sucking it. I know.

It's a nub with whites on the end. And I used to eat her pussy all the time It's like it is such a first, you know, your life is going amazing such a first-world complaint I got a blowjob. Well, but like you could have probably looked away and been fine. Yeah, but I know what you mean It's it's just you know what it is Here's it's good things in bed This is like one of the things with with having kids helps It's good things in bed. This is one of the things with having kids helps.

Because when you have a child or go through childbirth, the things you see coming out of a human vagina is nuts. How you see like a- Rubik's cube, all kinds of stuff. Oh my God, dude. Yeah, like, dude, after my girl gave birth, her pussy looked like Winnie's face. It was just, it was just.

Ruling one tooth. Yes, tell ya. Fucking clit hanging out. And so, and so, but that, but then like when you have daughters too, I have daughters, it's like, you know, you don't realize like, you know, when you're like bathing them, cleaning like, you know, the shit and piss

you gotta clean out of like vaginas and stuff. So it's like, I now kind of look at all that stuff like way fucking different. So I think now that I'm dad and been a little bit more mature, if somebody had a booger, I'd be able to just fucking power through and blow on off her schnoz. Oh, blow job.

Yeah, that's tough. The booger, I would push through on the booger. That wouldn't bother me. But it was a green, it was like a, it was right here. Like hanging out. It was a Musinex commercial. Yeah. Right.

Can we even say this shit on YouTube? Are we even on? No, no. We're waiting for DeRosa, right? Yeah. Don't give it away. Oh, sorry. Thank God.

Well, no, I knew Joe was coming. Was that supposed to be a surprise? Oh, does he not know he's here? No, everyone. No, DeRosa texted me today. Oh, I thought it was a big secret. No, DeRosa. It's too hard to schedule everyone.

Everyone's gotta be quiet this time. Dude, if you wanna have a fucking secret one, bring in Giannis. Ah. Oh, you guys are cool though, right? No, I mean, you know, what are you gonna do? I would do a high penis again Hell yeah, I would do it again. I don't care. That was a fun pod. I love talking about history Yeah, and I talked about it now. I have a Christy show, but it's just I'm alone You know tidbit of what a nice story fun back. Oh nice fun. Okay got an episode coming out

We're gonna record it tomorrow, but about President James Buchanan. President James Buchanan, who was the president before Abraham Lincoln. Okay. And he's actually the guy. Buchanan's policies are actually the reason why Lincoln inherited, you know, a civil war erupting. But the interesting thing about James Buchanan is, is it was a known fact. It wasn't a secret, it wasn't hearsay, it was a fact of facts that he was openly gay and that his, his, you know, not husband, but partner, gay partner, they used to call him Aunt Nancy,

everyone called him Aunt Nancy. James Buchanan was known as Aunt Nancy. He did not have a First Lady, it was this senator, I forgot the senator's name, who was a, I'm sorry, congressman from the South, who James Buchanan, because it was his, basically they were gay having sex. Sure. James Buchanan gave this governor of a southern state all this power, which led to the power dynamic shifting in the Civil War and all that stuff. Yeah, so this guy, James Buchanan, was America's first gay president. And also, back then, you know,

sometimes we think we're in the most progressive part of history today, but it's not true. And this was the 1850s. The American public did not care at all about your sexuality or your private life. That would in no way- They were slaves though. Right. That's true. It wasn't the most progressive time. Well, would in no way- They were slaves though. Right.

That's true. That was the most progressive time. Well, no, no, no, that's true. But they didn't care about your sexuality like in as far as voting. Right, right. You couldn't be gay and black. One or the other, but that's a-

Wow, that's great. I mean, you think with 50, what is it, 54 presidents? Yeah. One would have to be gay by statistics. James Buchanan, you know, it's- Lincoln had a guy too, right? Well, they, so the Lincoln gay rumors kind of stem from this guy.

They kind of stem from him because everybody was like, oh, Buchanan's gay. And then when Lincoln won, they were like, oh, I guess he's gay too, type thing. They just thought all the presidents, like kind of like when Obama was president, like I guess they're all black now. That's what it was with James Buchanan.

Like the commercials. This should be Lin-Manuel Miranda's next musical. Yes, yes, James Buchanan on Broadway. James Buchakie. Oh wow, well Lincoln could have been gay. He was at the theater a lot. He was, that's a joke in my special. Oh is that, oh yeah.

You heard that one. No, I mean it's a silly joke. No, it's fucking fun here. You want your man hunt the roses. No, what's man hunt? I found an apple Norman turn me on what you would love it man hunt. No tell me what's the premise boot? Getting away and then track it. Whoa, it's great. It's a little Nobody big I don't think you would know but it's well done. It's realistic Yeah, and I heard also on Apple Franklin, the Franklin documentary with Michael Douglas, the King of the Pussies. Supposedly, my mom said it's excellent.

She's a big hit. I'm into history because of my mom. Like my mom, being a divorced mom, she couldn't drive. So what we would do is, I mean, she could have been divorced and got a license, but she just didn't drive. So what we would do is to take me away to summer places she would take me to like Boston would go to the Freedom Trail we go to Philadelphia we go to DC and it was all history stuff so she says that this Franklin show on Apple TV is the most

accurate depiction of the real Benjamin Franklin because the bottom line is Benjamin Franklin I mean none of these people were good fathers I mean Benjamin Franklin saw his kids and like his kids were like 35 when he died. He saw one of his sons like 15 times his whole life. Wow. He was just in France getting puss. He was a poon-hound. Oh my God.

So they say, here's another fun fact. They say that even the one of King Louis XVI, that was the king at the time of the Revolutionary War, one of his mistresses would fuck Benjamin Franklin. Benjamin Franklin, because Benjamin Franklin was a huge celebrity. It wasn't like he was one of those guys that's like famous.

He was famous back then. He was like Elon Musk back then. Everybody knew, everybody, and he was anti-vax. He had that famous quote, early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. That's it, Franklin. Benjamin Franklin.

The almanac, the Bible, the electricity. And he invented a ton of shit. Benjamin Tractor. The Almanac, the Bible, the electricity. And he said, house guests are like fish. After three days, they begin to stink. Yeah. Woo! It's a good one. It's a good one, bangers.

But anyway, they said, Benjamin Tractor. That's such a true, that's like a stand-up comic type line. So he would, well, he wrote comedy. He would write all this comedy, and he has all these little quips. But he was banging one of Louis XVI's main mistresses, and when he was banging her, he told her

to tell Louis XVI that America's, we're really turning the tide, and we're this close to beating the British, because there was obviously no cameras, you had to take people's word for it, and we weren't. The United States was getting destroyed by the British, but Louis XVI believed this woman, because of sex, and then next thing you know, a week later,

signs sent to the whole French army, and then that's how we won independence. Wow. Good stuff. Yeah, dude. Because you make it fun and palatable. It's all boring in history. It's true.

Do you think he was good at fucking? Huh? Do you think Franklin was good at fucking? I think he had to be. He was not a handsome man. No. No, no, no, they say he wasn't good, It's the truth. Do you think he was good at fucking? Huh? Do you think Franklin was good at fucking? I think he had to be. He was not a handsome man. No. No, no, no, they say he wasn't good,

but he was like a rock star, like a science rock star. Hell yeah. So, do you think Neil deGrasse Tyson gets a lot of pussy? Oh my God. Oh my God, yes. You don't have an Uranus. Sorry. Yeah, I think deGrasse Tyson gets a lot of pussy.

I mean, I think women respond to, the biggest things are humor and intelligence. They don't care if you look good or not. We work out for each other. I'm working out so other guys tell me I look good. Women don't- You look great, buddy. Thank you.

Women don't give a fuck, at all. Look, college wrestler. Oh my God. I think they care a little bit. Yeah, you can't be a fat piece of shit. You know, like you can't be- I feel like movie stars get laid. Yes, but it's because of their like the celebrity.

I don't think that a woman cares as much if a guy is in shape or out of shape as much as a guy cares about a woman. Paul Giamatti's dick is wet right now. I can't do it. 100% dude. And he played Adams. He could play a good Franklin, Giamatti. Yeah, he could. Yeah, he would'veiamatti. Yeah, he could. Yeah.

He would have been good. Yeah, look at this guy. Come on. That's like Shaft. Alright, here's a fun fact, not history. You're not going to believe this. I love a good fun fact. The lighter was invented before matches. How? I don't know. Give it a goog. Give it a goog. But I heard that night. It blew my tits off I love stuff like that the lighter. It's not like a Snapple fact. Yeah, look at G. Monty swipe look at that

There you go. Yeah, bang park. That's it. Yeah this actress. What's that show that he was on billions? Yeah, this actress played his dominatrix on the show, and then they got together and then they got together later That's what I'm saying, dude Wow good for a lot of downtime on those shoots. Yeah, he's tied up in bondage. He's like, so what do you do for fun? But yeah, all right, hey check out that lighter fact am I ever would fucking sell gets late look at Sal dude Sounds just like he's in fucking newsies getting pussy Dude, Sal's dressed like he's in fucking Newsies getting pussy. Extra, extra. Alright.

That's a good one. And then you know Roman, the ancient Romans invented dry cleaning. How nuts is that? Dry cleaning. They've been doing it for 2000. The Asians are really appropriate to their culture. Yes. The first lighter was invented in 1823 while the mattress was created in 1826.

Very interesting, my friend. Very interesting. The first lighter was invented in 1823 while the mattress created in 1826. Very interesting my friend. Very interesting. So they had, I guess they had kind of, well is it lighter fluid? I don't know what that is. I think it was flint. It was flint with a little chemical, I don't know who knows what. Good for light, bad for water.

Yeah. Very, very bad for water. Yeah, so I love a good fun fact, but these history ones are great because you make it almost like a reality show. It's like drama. He's getting laid That's the thing history like it's facts. Esti was talking about Chris Chris trees Oh, yes, Esti baby if you're watching and that well the thing is with history to its facts It's all facts, but they're historians are telling you a story. They don't know for sure

They can just tell you like what, you know, what the, what they take the facts and like here's my version of what happened. Well I think what people do too is they go, oh 18 whatever, boring. They're just like us, they're jealous, they're horny. Oh my God. They're addictive, they're racist.

Yes. They have all the same traits as Sam. People don't change. It was just like different, different, you know, different countries are in charge, different leaders, they're wearing different garments, but it's the same reason. Human nature is still the same.

And that's the thing too, when being a history fan, like when you hear people go on and on and on about white people and this and that, it's like, no, no, no, you're talking about modern history. Like if there was a time where Spanish people were number one, and they killed and pro, whoever's got the fucking ball, that's who's gonna do all the scoring.

That's who's gonna start killing people. I like to go to Black Lives Matter, pro doesn't be like, this is modern history, you don't understand. The Chinese, dude, in the next hundred years, the Chinese are gonna be the ones in charge, and then they'll fucking kill everybody and rape everybody too.

It's just, it's got nothing to do with your race. It's just- Hopefully no rape, just a killing. Well, yeah, maybe, I don't know yet by then. Dude, I mean, no, you're right. I mean, and also you're talking about the ancient Romans. I mean, we talk about life expectancy. These guys are going to war every five fucking minutes.

Dude, and then you think about culture. Like when people go on and on and on sometimes at the cellar about culture, you're like, dude, if you've, what is culture? Whatever culture you think is your culture, your great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother would be rolling over in their grave if they knew you were wearing your hair like that because your culture got raped into you by whoever conquered you eons ago. So this whole thing is it's all one human culture.

None of this is real. It's all divisions. It's all, it all one human culture. None of this is real. It's all divisions It's all it's all to divide none of it is real But then like you'll listen to somebody and you're like, yeah, you sound smart But you also like are an idiot because you're not thinking about like we're just one human culture But you're completely right, but that's part of human nature too is just to divide. Look at the Seas and the Romulans or whatever the fuck What is it with the Don Cheadle movie. Oh, the uh-

Rwanda. Yes. They're both black, they're both poor, they're both, they're all fighting. Yeah, dude. The Capulets and the Montagues, we just divide. Look at Ireland. Ireland, up the raw. It's fucking the Palestinian, no.

It's the same thing. What is it? Protestant and Catholic. Yeah. You know, it's funny, dude, like when you look back to those old times, not so much has really changed. I mean, you look at the Roman Coliseum, that's UFC. Yes. 100%.

It's basically UFC. It's the same shit, bro. This guy, that's Dana White. And the same way that we are accepting, like this is just my personal opinion, like we're accepting right now, you know now today's world of UFC, eating meat, all these things. I still eat meat, but eating meat. And we're like, this is fine, there's no problems.

300, the people of the future are gonna look back and be like, remember those barbaric people? But those people that we think are barbaric, they didn't, they were thinking like us. They were doing their version of a podcast. We were just sitting around talking. I'm working on it, let me run it by you, because you just triggered a thought about this.

Triggered. I mean triggered in the old fashioned way. I'm upset. Sorry, I sounded like Jordan Carlos. Hello, Mr. Jordan, we used to see around a lot. Yeah, Mr. Toot Doot, he's fucking a great yoga guy, Jordan. Oh really? Great yoga guy, he's a great follower on Instagram.

He's ripped. I love Jordan. So, I. He's a great follower on Instagram. He's ripped. I love Jordan. So, I was watching a thing on Hitler and it said he was a vegetarian. I was like, I knew Hitler was, it said he was an incest and sadomasochism and then it said he was also a vegetarian and the joke is like, that bothered me more

because I knew Hitler was evil but I didn't know he was also annoying. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like he's at a steakhouse with everybody and he's like, you guys shouldn't eat those animals. They don't treat them well. Great. Like they treat them poorly, you know what I mean? Like he's at a steakhouse with everybody and he's like you guys shouldn't eat those animals They don't treat him well Great. Like they treat him poorly, you know, that was the anger. Yeah, I put him on trains and bring him to these camps. They don't feed him

Yeah, I like it. He's annoying. He's annoying. What if it's kosher? Yeah, that's funny. Yeah. Well, what can you do? But you're right. You're right. It's all you know, people go Hitler How could people follow him? I see people follow people like DJs. Well, you got to put yourselves, put yourself, exactly, dude. Hitler is my Diplo. Hitler is my Diplo. You got to put yourself in the shoes.

Think about a World War I German. Think about a German in the 1920s. Think about this. I'm going to bring you there. Oh, we're in fucking Germany. It's 1920. We just got fucking our shit rocked by England, we have our currency, the value of a German franc was worth like, it was like $75,000. You know what I mean? Like they could buy a piece of bread in Germany, World War in Germany was like $75,000. It was impossible to live. Yeah.

So the complete, because what happened was, and this is bad, this is just fucking how people are though, we have egos, World War I, Germany lost, they got their shit rocked, and instead of saying, you know what, you were bad boys, instead of the United States, Britain, saying you were bad boys, they said, and they were like, you know what, let's just go back, forget everything, they didn't.

They said, now you're gonna owe us war reparations. Not only are you fucking decimated as a country, but now you owe us the equivalent of like $50 billion when they had nothing, when the price of bread was $75,000. So the economy went worse. So the economy keeps getting worse and worse and worse and worse and worse.

And then what happens is, is people are like, we have to sell our teeth to make necklaces, to make money. My mother's a prostitute. Adolf Hitler comes out and says, you know what I wanna do, guys? He doesn't mention anything about putting Jews in camp. None of that.

He comes out, you can't open with that. Good closer though. Yes. Hell of a closer. He comes out and he says, how about this, guys? How about if I wanna bring Germany back to its glory? The Third Reich, the Third Reich is, we've had two reichs. We've had the first German glory, the Third Reich, the Third Reich is, we've had two reichs.

We've had the first German glory in the Middle Ages, the second German glory, even though we lost World War I, I wanna bring us back to the Third, we are the master race. What do you guys think of that? And then people have nothing, they're like, great. They're like, who do we blame? The Jews. So it's a simple thing.

Most people didn't dislike Jews at all. I'm glad that stopped and never came back. Yeah, we love Jews. And then Hitler said, I'm gonna clothe you and Hugo Boss, you're gonna look fucking cool. Ooh, BMWs. Same thing with World War I too. People say, why did Japanese bomb us?

Well, it started because in World War I, at this treaty, it's called the Treaty of Versailles, at this treaty, when they were divvying up the spoils of war with fucking Germany, you owe us all this money, fuck you, suck my ass. Japan was on our side in World War I. Japan was not on the other side, they were on our side. It was Japan, the United States, China, Britain, France.

So we say, we'll give everybody, we'll give all the white country stuff, but Japan, you know, no, dude, you guys sit on the floor. We're not gonna give you anything. And Japan was like, what, we helped, and they're like, did you really though? What did you do? So Japan got zero.

So they were very angry for years and years and years. And then World War II, and then Japan, well, the same reason where the Germans start to kind of get this feeling of like, you know what, fuck you. We're gonna show you, we're gonna build our tanks, build our war, you know, build our machines. Japan's doing the same thing.

They're like, we're gonna show the United States and Britain and these fucking white pieces of shit that we matter too. So they start to invade China, they start to manifest destiny. They're like, you know what? Every Asian country is actually ours. So they had the Napoleon complex.

They're like, you think we're a little island and we don't deserve anything? Well, now we're gonna kill everybody. We're gonna rape the babies, kill everybody. We're killing at will. And so the United States is like, that's a problem, but we don't wanna join World War I because we're like, that's Europe's fight,

I don't wanna deal with fucking Hitler's nuts, I don't wanna deal with this. So let's just stay here, we're protected by the oceans, Jesus Christ made the Atlantic and Pacific oceans to protect the United States. He said, that's the main, that's why we are who we are, it's just the oceans. If we were, dude, if we were connected to Europe,

we'd have the same problems they do but we're you can't invade us It's three thousand miles in any direction. That's you the crazy thing too is I was just listening to a podcast of when General MacArthur They had to retreat and yeah, he hid out in Australia. Yeah, dude. I mean that's amazing that you could do that, bro Yeah, if there's a nuclear war tomorrow in Europe And you know which would affect the United States, the only safe place to be is Australia and New Zealand, and the only reason why is because they're too far away. Exactly, but also he was like trying to,

he was like, I'm gonna get people back up. But like, exactly, you can't get that many people. No, you can't do it. It was tough. So Japan, with Pearl Harbor, they said, they were invading China, going, they need oil. That was the thing at the time. Nothing's fucking electric.

Again, history doesn't repeat itself five million fucking times. Oil, so you need to get oil, more and more oil, and they say, you know what? And the United States was the one giving the oil. We were giving Japan the oil, but then when we saw what they were doing to the Chinese, we were like, we can't support this anymore,

so we said, stop, embargo on the, Japan's not getting any more US oil. So Japan's like, fuck, we're fucked now, what are we gonna do? So that was an act of war to them, and they said you know what we think we'll do, is we'll knock out their entire navy in one swoop in Pearl Harbor,

they were like we're gonna kill, we'll knock them out there, but they fucked up, because the three US aircraft carriers were in the middle of the ocean, they got bad intel. Japanese dude, they fucking read it backwards. Bad intel, and then they only knocked out two, and then we were able to rebuild our Navy and we destroyed them. But that's like, that's, you know,

so that's why when people are like, just so quick to be like these fucking Nazi, they all were pieces of shit and disgusting, but you have to, it didn't just happen out of nowhere. They weren't just players. I was literally about to quote this joke. Yeah, but I gotta say, I learned more about history in like, you're like Dan Carlin on 3X.

That's it, baby. Yes, dude, I'm Dan Carlin on creatine. And pussy. There's something so scary about the Japanese too. Oh yeah. Just willing to suicide bomb. They fall in their sleep. Oh, dude, crazy.

Is the scariest shit in war ever. Dude, we didn't even need to nuke Japan. They fall in their sleep. Oh, dude, crazy. Is the scariest shit. Dude, we didn't even need to nuke Japan. They were they were about to surrender. That's fun. No, that was twice. It was put him in the bento box. Three times a nuki. I don't know if you guys are students of history or not, but.

I love that hand up. For those of you who aren't, Germany, in the previous century, in the early part, they decided to go to war. And who did they choose to go to war with? The world. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So good.

So you think that would last about five seconds and the world would fucking win and you know that'd be it. Close. But it was actually close. And then, I don't know how that would work but, then 30 years pass and Germany decides to go to war again and once again they choose as their foe, the world and now this time they really almost win so at this point you would think the world would go okay Germany you're fucking not a country anymore

the fuck you're not a country because you keep going to war with the world. And knowing that, what do you think you are, Mars? Yeah. So, so simple and it was there for everybody. For everybody. Those are the best jokes. We're like there for everybody.

Anyone could have grabbed that and he just perfect. And you know the punch line. You know he's going to save the world. And it's so funny because it's insane. Yeah. Sometimes just explaining how insane something is, is a joke. Is the joke.

Oh my God, yeah. Totally. Yeah dude. Man, that was great though, I learned a lot. I learned about the ocean thing. I love it. The Japan stuff. I think this is like a lane for you,

I think you gotta keep with this. And also, a rec by the way, you ever listen to Lindsey Graham's podcast? Not the politician, the historian Lindsey Graham. He's got one called American Scandal and one called 15 Minutes History and he just breaks something down quickly. American Scandal will do things like Jonestown or it'll be a full season, like six episodes. Jonestown will be like Ted Bundy, not Ted Bundy, Ted Kaczynski rather.

Maybe Ted Bundy too, I don't know. But entire seasons on this shit and they're really well done, high production volume. The only critique is there's so many fucking ads. I think there's probably a way to do it without ads. But I gotta look into it. But I was just listening to one he did on the history thing on Helen Keller. And like, holy shit, man.

Like, can you imagine just being Helen Keller? Like, and actually making a life of yourself? But then, this made me think of, first of all, the woman who taught her must've been the most patient woman in the fucking world. Because you're like, think about explaining the internet to your parents on the phone. I'm like, mom, you gotta Chromecast through the phone.

I'm like, all right, I give up after like three minutes. This woman like taught her words. That's insane. So it made me think of, you gotta look up this South Park thing they did Helen Keller the musical Imagine being so retarded you're famous Retarded oh, I thought she was no she was deaf and blind oh well she sounded retarded. Yeah, okay those titties ain't retarded Yeah, this is like 30 seconds, okay. Those titties ain't retarded. I'm sure he's worried about that bit. Ahh. Yeah, it's like 30 seconds. Okay.

800 1800s 1800s Alabama What a great place and time We're so happy that we live in 1800s Alabama Cause it's sunny and there is no cry Now to the refrain! And in our little town in 1800's Alabama

There's a family by the name of Keller Their daughter's deaf and mute and her mind is a bat Let her parents and even tell her No, it's the next one, it's the next one Sorry, it's the next one No, it's the water Helen Water, that one I didn't know she was Alabama

I didn't know she was from Alabama either Not a great representative That's it Helen, water, water! She did it! She did it, she did it, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, Helen, water! We can't believe she did it, the Dunkin' really did it, water, Helen, water! And now that I can communicate, the world is not so cold and dark.

They're fucking amazing. I know. They're so good, the South Park guys, that they don't even get considered or nominated for comedy awards because they're above it. They would just win every year. They would win best animated show comedy of the year every year, but they haven't been even nominated because you're like, well, what's the point? It's like obviously everybody else, you know?

They're too big. They crush TV, they crushed movies. They crush plays. They crush theater. Yeah Are you can we talk about your show? Which one? The one you're making? I mean yeah I mean, I don't have a deal yet, but yeah, I've sold a show Yeah Yeah, baby Sitcom yeah in New York, motherfucker! Still going? Yeah.

I still have sitcom? Well, here's the interesting thing. You know which network is on you? No, right, well, believe this part, it's between ABC and Fox now. Wow! So I don't know. I should find out today, but, so it's interesting.

Even Rogan, when I did Rogan last week, when we were done, he was like, you know, he's like, I've been watching, because I told him about it off air, he was like, I've been watching, because I told him about it off air, he was like, I've been watching sitcoms again with my family. He was like, I think the world has gotten so crazy, like the news is so heartbreaking on the internet

that I'm not saying it'll be like it was, but I think now is as good a time as any to put just a family sitcom with no politics out there. Just put it out there. We try to avoid politics here, but it's just like, I don't think people, I think it's everywhere, and I think you wanna just fucking laugh.

I got, it affects every household, man. I mean, I got an eight-year-old and a two-year-old, one's pro-Israel, one's pro-Polis, and I can't, I'm taking a protest on opposite sides of the city. I'm like. You're going to Columbia, then you're going downtown. I've gotta go uptown, downtown, I'm like, You're going to Columbia. Yeah. I've got to go uptown, downtown. I'm like, your mother doesn't drive.

I've got to go to Barney Greengrass. Yeah. There's like some comfort if you watch like a, everybody loves Rainer or something. Oh my. The Office was the number one show on Netflix for years. Just watch it, man. Like you just, because it's like, you know, and uh.

Friends. It's friends. Seinfeld. And these network execs said, they said, when they bought it, one of the networks was like, they were like, you know, we're gonna like try to like really like market these things again because they were like, you know, our exact quote, they go like our woke experiment didn't work. They said that they lost a lot of money.

Well, look at the Tom Brady row. Rows are back. Rows are back, bro. That's still number one. Yeah. It's everywhere. So yeah, I think we're flipping. A Wilkersburg didn't work. We fired two people in wheelchairs. It just wasn't working.

It wasn't working. It wasn't good. Yeah, so. No, it's true though. I mean, it's like, I think they get these ideas in their head of what they need to do rather than what they should just do. Yeah, dude, it's like.

Also, you just wanna be like, you're gonna be an algorithm in two years anyway. Like, you're not gonna be here. Yeah, let's just go funny. But I was gonna say, it's like. Also you just wanna be like, you're gonna be an algorithm in two years anyway. Like you're not gonna be here. Let's just go funny. Let's just have a funny fucking. But I was gonna say, it's also like everybody loves Raymond and the Cosby show, like they're still funny today. Like you know what I mean?

Yes. It's not like oh it was only funny at that time, it's like those jokes are timeless. So you can do that again. Yeah. It's just don't, I think don't, if you watch those shows, they're never speaking about the hot button political issue of the day.

It's like if you're gonna go out there and you're gonna just cram in a fucking anti-trans character, it's like stupid, unless it's natural to your story. Right. Which is my father's character. Well, no. No. Who's playing your dad?

I want Billy Gardell for Mike and Molly. He's the guy that we're, and then I want to, in a perfect world, if you ask me perfect, perfect, perfect, I'd have Billy Gardell play my dad, Catherine O'Hara play my mom, because my mom's very conservative, Irish Catholic, but then I have an aunt who's like off the wall, like straight up New York lady kind of nuts,

but like real fun. I want her to be played by Cyndi Lauper. Whoa! Yeah, I like it. Cyndi Lauper's awesome. She came in on an audition for my mom's character in 2016 when I had a CBS pilot that didn't go and she like blew us away.

But we went with Annie Potts because Annie Potts was just like one of the best actresses of all time and was unbelievable. But we were like, oh, if we get an episode two, we're gonna have her, we're gonna have Cyndi Lauper come in as my aunt. So now I'd like, and then my girls,

it's Puerto Rican in real life and in the show, I want her to be played by Melissa Flamaro from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Oh yeah. You know, like they're like, and then her, and then just her dad to be in the show as Luis Guzman. Oh. Like, you know, just all.

But he told us, he doesn't do sitcoms. Remember when we met? But we reached out after this and he was like, maybe Papi I come down from Vermont for you. Wow. That's what he said. Yeah, he's so cool. He's cool man.

I love him. Because you know, that's the thing is when we met him at that thing, it's like sometimes relationships matter. Like Joe Pesci said he wasn't gonna act anymore and then he came out and played Pete Davidson's dad. It's like, if you like it, you know. And I said we're gonna film it in New York. He was like, that's good for me.

Oh, there you go. Get to go to see some sports, you know. Yeah, said we're gonna film it in New York. He was like, that's good for me. Oh, there you go. Get to go to see some sports, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sports, see family. Dude, if the Knicks, I hope the Knicks close it out, game six, but game seven we're going. Yeah, Knicks won, baby. Look at that.

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We're going. We've been here an hour. Wait, why'd you say that? You've been here an hour? Yeah. We've been waiting for it. Because we're going to his birthday party at a bar. He said two. No, he said 2.45. Oh, I heard two.

I said, no, I said 2.45. I'm just fucking with Joe. Yeah. Did it really start though? Yeah, yeah. I got here at two. I thought it was at two. That's why I was here at two. Well, you said you couldn't get here until now, so we just started early. Oh, I could have just fucking... We're just fucking at two. That's why I was here. You said you can get here to now So we just started early. I could just fucking earlier What were you doing you said on right? What do you do during in the morning? You're like, oh, I'm out of breath I gotta go and take a shower. I'm like, what did you what do you have to go get fucking bread?

What do you think what do you think having kids is the only thing that makes You gotta do go fucking slice salami? What do you gotta do? You wanna come at me? You wanna start? You're the one who came at me yesterday on stage at the cellar. Whoa! You good? On stage? He's fucking bombing! I'm trying new shit!

He's doing medium in the bar at the fucking black pad. I saved his goddamn set! That's the hardest place to do well at. True. I got up, I fucking exercised sized I had to do star really Paul exercise yeah he's on tests now what kind of guys you do I do an upper body workout three days a week Lucille Roberts what does that mean just shrug your shoulders it's been it's been helping I mean I got to start slow man if I if I start doing some stupid meet a trainer three days a week,

it's an hour, I'm never gonna do it. If I do like 15 minutes of stuff, I start seeing results, I'm going, oh, my arms are getting bigger. Oh, this is getting easier. Whatever, I'll start to add to it. I told you, just walk a little bit each day, dude. Don't try to be nice now. I'm trying. What is he, 75 in Boca Raton?

No, because he's got a park where he lives in Pennsylvania, so I said get out on the trail, do two miles, and when you start moving, motivation comes along the way. I got a park where I live in New York too. Yeah, but there's fucking junkies in it. That's true, you can run from them. There are a lot of junkies out there. That's bad, dude. Dugle's crazy.

Duggles wild. You stand, you try to stand outside the cellar for 10 minutes, there's 40 guys coming by. I was with my friend and we were just, some guy just started talking to us in the street and he was clearly crazy, but you gotta give him a minute and he was like, just kind of being weird, like how are you guys?

I was like, oh, I'm doing well, you? And then he goes, you guys are really pissing me off man. Fuck you. And I'm just laughing as we're walking away and my friend's like, what did we do? And I'm like, you thought that was us? Yeah, he's holding the crack pipe. Dude, I've lived in New York my whole life.

Even though people would say, oh, New York's so dangerous, I never had one altercation with a homeless person or mentally unwell person, not one time in 39 years, three times in the past six months, I've gotten into altercations like that. One time about two months ago on MacDougall Street I take push a homeless person out up because he was coming up into my space and he fell over a pile of garbage

Don't you think it has something to do with the fact that it used to be probably booze or some other drugs and now it's some Pharmaceutical shit that's ten times worse and that dude in the weed shops man. The weed shops don't help people who start to lose their mind I'm not anti weed, but whatweed, but people overdo it, and then they start to go into a psychosis. The weed shops are an absolute fucking plight on the city. Yeah, but why? Well, they bring in a bad crowd, and they're ugly as shit. They're like neon and fucking green leaves everywhere.

No, because it's, like Chris was saying, the dosages are insane. They are absolutely is saying, the dosages are insane. They are absolutely, like, the dosages are so high now you can literally overdose on weed. I know, I have friends that have ended up in the hospital for three days because they ate so much fucking weed. That's terrifying.

That literally they overdose from it. Damn. They're selling the shit to kids, to anybody that can fucking walk through the door. They don't, I don't think the distribution laws are in place yet. No, no. You can buy shrooms too there, by the way. Yeah, and everybody in the entire fucking dumb country we live in now thinks that smoking

weed is the same thing as smoking a cigarette. They think like you can just smoke weed while you drive or smoke weed before work or smoke weed in the middle of the doorway. It's not an obstruction, it's not a hindrance, everybody thinks it elevates them, everybody thinks they're Bob fucking Marley, everybody is a fucking moron and this country is already in a psychotic state and they're enhancing it with a literal psychedelic drug, I don't give a fuck where it grows or how natural it is, it's a fucking drug, okay? If I went to work and I said, let me just do a quick shot before we get started here. It's disgusting guys

Have a drink hell of a run you had there I'm all worked up. It just cost forty eight dollars ago my own yeah This is Winnie's piss Whoo This pairs well with a beefy from Joey roses. Hey, well, it's right here, dude to have the beef is the best sandwich No, no, I know I noticed when I walked in how cool is that? Joe I said a spike tuna. That's the tuna Yeah, it'll be good for the old head. It's healthy. I see what I mean. It's the tuna. I think I'll go with that. Tuna. It'll be good for the ulcer. You pretend it's healthy. Spicy whiskey.

I mean it's probably the healthiest of all this. Which one? You got jelly beans on half of it. Yeah, out of all those. Well the roast beef is, we make it from scratch. So the roast beef actually might be the literally most healthy of everything. I don't know.

You're right about the weed though. And we do this thing because it's medicinal now. Like a little whiskey. Like people think it has this magical health effect. Same for me. I like this drink, this tastes like a caramel candy. No, no, let Chris have it, I don't like it. Too much cayenne.

It tastes like I'm making out with a seven year old on Halloween. Oh. Hey, I'll take it then. Yeah, that's fucking, no, I love the effort though, Matt. It's too much for me though, man. It's too much, yeah. Can I just have a bourbon on the rocks?

We'll do a bodega cat or like a fucking... I'm not a big rye guy, but I'm happy for you guys with this wish for your party. Oh, thank you. Hey, thank you. We got it in the bar yet? I want to talk to you guys about that after the show today. What is... That's a no.

We want to do, listen, we want to do a big bodega cat party with you guys, and we want to also get booze a rose in the bar Hell yeah, we'd love to which is the better. Oh my studio. You know, Talia is my partner He was like tell them we want to get it to stand too. Oh hell. Yeah. All right. We should be out by now, right? Yeah, I think so Hey, take give it to the guest first, please Okay Yeah, yeah, none. Yeah bourbon just not scotch or rye, please

Thank you. You guys have tequila. I believe we do I'll do a little tequila What is it? What is a rosie make it to tell you use? Sorry? Can I I'm being a pig can I have a fresh glass because it's gonna have the red? Yeah, you got the remnants in that a salad you all that's here. I'm sorry buddy. It was a good drink. Sorry, man Divorced over this we just do a gunshot. I make it it. How's the sandwich good fucking great the best Oh, there you go. All right, Joey roses folks unreal one seven four rivington. What do we got ham? That's mortadella That was the one we sent to Rogan that he that he That he had any poo poo it. No, he loved it. You were there when he was talking about it. You were on the show

Oh, what's this one Joe the Amy that's to sell out two kinds of salami. It's awesome. You know like salami I love the beefy. Yeah, dude a bit. That's good. That's really good, dude Yeah, that that's that we got to reach here is that when Joe gets a drink of that cayenne pepper It's spicy, but I don't think it's bad spicy and like a margarita I can do but spicy with whiskey I'm not a fan. I don't think I'm gonna do a whole one sip is fine so but but the thing with the weed is like when I when I When I as you said poo poo it People like oh, it's like dude. I'm not hating on it. It's like go get fucked up

I don't care just stop acting like it's better than booze. It's not. They act like it's Adderall. Yeah, Adderall is also a whole other thing. I know, I know. If you don't need it, you know what I mean? There are people that are not prescribed Adderall, they're like, it helps me. I'm like, it's fucking speed. It's speed, all day.

Just call it what it is, man. Yeah. Oh, thanks. There's a shortage. There's a Adderall shortage right now in America. Yeah, it's not a good sign. I have a friend, he'll do an Adderall in the morning to wake up, then he feels too high so he takes a Xanax, then he feels too low and he'll take another Adderall.

I'm like, you can't live like this. That's insane. He's now in rehab. He's a drug addict. Yeah, he's a drug addict. That's insane. But people live like that. Everyone wants a pill, it's like, oh, Zembic, you know.

Yeah. It's one of thoseembic, you know, yeah You don't like it though, right? Thank you. So I made me feel perfect making a double It made me feel like shit. My cousin's a nurse and she was like, of course it made you feel like shit You're not fucking diabetic. She hot no one's diabetic every girl's on with you Nurses and teachers are always hot. I disagree. Have you heard his bit about it? Have you seen a nurse lately? They're in a Tweety Bird sweater with a fat gut. There's a lot of grief over that bit. I know. I know. They downvoted your restaurant. Did they really? Oh my God. I was shit talking Philadelphia 76ers fans on Twitter and and some guys leading a charge, let's downvote his specials on IMDB.

I'm like, you guys, what the fuck happened to sports? I know, right? Come punch me in the face. Yeah, I'd rather that. Give me a Buscemi. Oh my God, that's crazy. No, it is too, with this weed stuff, and I get it. The government, the US government has lied a lot,

and there's a big thing that goes around now where they're like, oh, the government, the US government has like, you know, lied a lot and there's a big thing that goes around now where they're like, oh, the government held, you know, the government told us alcohol is better because they can make more money off alcohol. And you know, people always point, oh, they can't make money off weed. And it's like, that's true, but it's also because weed was illegal for so long

because it does things like, it fucks with your brain chemistry much more than alcohol does. And again, I'm not anti-weed I smoke weed I like to do edibles, but you're gonna get down a bad, you know People are starting to lose their minds. Oh, yeah, plus the phones plus the pharmaceuticals Everybody's on all day the Zoloft and the ozambique. It never ends Whoo, that's good, right? That's good. What do you drink? What's Joe drink? Yo's back. That's your spinach

Woo, that's good. What do you drink? What's Joe drink? Joe's back, that's your spinach. Um. Ooh, that's a nice tequila. Yeah, no, by the way, the episode of Rogan where he complimented the sandwich was when you said, you guys are talking about how I'll do too many shots

and go dark, and you go, but the Coke brings them back. Yeah. Not lying. That's good. I've never done Coke, you ever do it? Not lying. That's good. I've never done Coke. You ever do it? I've never done it either. Never done it.

You guys, you ever do it? Little Coke? Sal, you ever do a little Coke? Only Joe then. I've done it. What does it feel like? I'm on it. Like he said that like, I'm a great dude.

What does it feel like? Awesome. Well, what does that mean, though? I'm being honest right now. In the mornings, when I'm exhausted, you wake up early, whatever, I have a black coffee, I get positive endorphins and feel like a euphoria right away and I'm ready to go. Is that Coke times 20? No, well here's the thing, I've never done it without booze.

I know people that do it without booze. Same. I can't imagine. Yeah, one of them's our manager. Yeah Like you couldn't tell by the ponytail Our manager Mitch Hedberg Our manager, Mitch Hedberg. Yeah. No, he, I know people that will, that have, I know people that quit drinking and continue to do coke.

Oh, okay. I did Adderall one time without booze. It works. It made me like, I was jittery, I was like, I don't like this, I have to sit down. I probably need a lower dosage. Right, but then, well, I just did it because I wanted to see if it would,

I was, what Chris is saying, I was like I want to see if it will give me like a better effect of coffee. It was too much. But here's the thing, when you combine cocaine and alcohol, not only does it even you out, you know David Cross just did a big interview about this, or not a big interview, but he talked about it on,

I think it was Neil Brennan's podcast. And I completely agreed with him. He was like, Neil Brennan was like, how many times have you done Coke? And he was like, hundreds? He was like, what was your thing with it? Because Neil was saying he never did it. And he goes, it was never about the high of the Coke.

He goes, it was just a way to keep hanging out and drinking. Ah, right. It's just like, it props you back up and like wakes you back up and you're, now you can have a longer night and whatever. That's how I always looked at it, but there is- You could also mix in water. Huh? You could also have like a water in between drinks

and keep hanging out. What is this, the Pussy Show? What the fuck are we talking about? They should, I'm gonna down vote your special. What the fuck are we talking about here? The Pussy Show. That was earlier than Chris, good times of day. They should I'm gonna down vote your special But here's the but these guys are these guys have money yeah I guess here's the other part of getting ahead there is a euphoric Chemical reaction that happens when you mix cocaine and alcohol. There's actually a term for it There's a term for the chemical reaction that happens. The de rosa.

Is it de rosa? Yeah. It's harder to get laid if you're bringing a woman home. You're like, you wanna do some smart water? Am I playing? Yeah, yeah. Okay, right. But here's the thing, if you do it too frequently together,

this is why a lot of true alcoholics are also coke heads. If you do it too frequently together, your body cannot get pleasure from one or the other. Oh, no So basically if you do it too frequently together Eventually, you'll get like a buzz from booze and your body will go. Where's the other part man? Like where's the other part? Wow Working right and then that's why we've all known guys that do like they can't have a drink without calling their fucking dean. Yeah, yeah. So that's gotta be very hard to break.

It's gotta be. I mean, I can only imagine. But, and then also too, they're drinking around the clock. So the Coke keeps you standing up. Dennis Hopper talked about that. He used to do like three grams a day or something. Some crazy amount. He lived like a fucking psycho.

Yeah, and he said, he goes, the Coke just kept me up. Oh my Lord. He was like, it just let me drink a case of beer and a handle of vodka, whatever the fuck he was drinking. He was so coked up at the Oscars, and like when Easy Rider broke, he was out of his mind, coked up, talking shit to like the old guard of the movie makers,

and he was like, you fucking pussies, like we're taking over, and everyone was like, yeah. Like they weren't even mad, they were like, yeah, congratulations. Wow. But he brought that energy of like, you fucking pussies, like we're taking over. And everyone was like, yeah. Like they weren't even mad. They were like, yeah, congratulations. Yeah. But he brought that energy of like, fuck you. We're fucking, we're partying. I kind of missed those Coke fueled rants and shit.

Like you'd see like the eighties and the seventies. There was a lot of cocaine. You see Scorsese on interview. He's all jacked up. I missed that. But his wife then, he beat the shit out of her. Did he really? Oh yeah.

Scorsese used to beat his wife? No, Dennis Hopper. Oh Well, yeah, that's a given I miss I miss I Mean I can't say miss cuz I didn't experience it but prior to I yeah, I miss like or you know what I mean I I am envious of that time Because it's like look whether you're into drugs or not i think by the way can't wait for the comments darosa rails on weed but then is like talking about coke i think we gotta we gotta we gotta bring back violence you know yes ah yeah rock and roll did that go in my drink

is it edible it's sugar yeah oh's sugar. Did that one actually hurt? That one hurt a little. Hahaha. Woo. See, here's your thing. Hahaha. This shit gets in your fucking hand. We got curly hair.

This shit's... We do this to each other too much now. That was insane. Woo. Yeah, look, his face is all red. You saw it coming? That one got... No, I didn't. I'm alright. It's like the end of Grifters. Hahaha. Look his face is all red. You saw it coming that would go no

The end of grifters The um, but you know man like I just wish there was still like a sort of Wild-west aspect to this business. Yeah, right there is dude Well, the comedy has it not really the acting anymore. I don't know any comics that party and drink and... We're doing it right now, you weirdo! Yeah, that's true. Alright! But I'm talking about... 2PM!

Have you seen Skankfest? I'm being a hypocrite because I just kept talking about people smoking weed before work. Oh yeah. But then I'm like, I don't know, that sounds crazy. When you watch the Apocalypse Now documentary and they're all on fucking ass. I know, I know. I know I know Yeah, I mean the old school comedy club guys would get paid in coke or money whatever they wanted the wider the green that that's completely But we romanticize apocalypse now

Because there's one instance where it worked like so many of those Just made bad shit back then like yeah, yeah, it worked. It was Coppola on drugs Oh, you're right. You're right A genius. You see those Orson Welles Coke-Fueled movies are crazy. Yeah, but he was a fucking genius too. That's true. Dude, oh you gotta play that Orson Welles clip I sent you. It's fucking great. That one right there, this killer. This is a great play from the start. This is Orson Welles. I've never seen what Orson Welles looks like. This is him? He's the coolest ever. Saint Germain. He's the best.

He is a man who sold. It's about, it's about Ilya Kazan. And is a traitor. He is a man who sold to McCarthy, all of his companions, at a time when he could continue to work in New York, at high salary, and having sold all of his people to McCarthy,

he then made a film called On the Waterfront, which was a celebration of the informer. And therefore, no question which uses him as an example can be answered by me. I have to add that he is a very good director. I fucking love him. He is good. He just keeps it so real all the time. He's awesome. I love that shit. And I also love the movie On the Waterfront, but he's right.

He's right. He sold him out. Sold him out the river to the the communism I don't know shit about movie. Do you know Sal? Are you a movie guy? He's a big movie guy Everybody's a movie guy. I feel like a like a loser. I don't know anything about movies. Well, I'll catch you up I'll send you some texts I'll tell you what to watch sometimes in comedy when I'm like, you know Especially when I first got into comedy everyone's talking about movies and old comedy specials. I'm like, oh, I don't know any well

I told you to watch the taken appellant one two three the original last time we had dinner. Did you watch it yet? No, because my daughter just wants to keep watching Coco melon over and over and over again. All right I will go all the original one fucking awesome. I saw the set I saw the one with guy ever he would love it isn't a John Travolta in the second one You're telling me to watch the first one. Yeah, no, no, no watch the remake Yeah, the remakes are always better Do you have like a dark period where you don't know movies and somewhere you do or like? I don't know any movies or anything like that like before the 90s like 70s 80s movies like I've never seen any of these

Oh, wow, I've never seen Godfather What I've never I've seen cool hand Luke, but in like a history in like a movie class Yeah, I've never seen them cuckoo's nest I saw but I don't really remember like like I'm just not that guy like a big movie for me wanting to be a comedian because he was like the fucking crazy fun guy At the end the cuckoo house. Yeah Yeah, I don't know that just doesn't rattle me for whatever reason Really? Like I'm the guy that like I'll watch like the the mass Media movies or listen to like the music of like Taylor Swift because I can't I don't even have the smarts to like analyze

I'm like, I don't know what's good or bad. I'm like, oh, I'm watching this. It's entertaining I got you told me the 101 Dalmatians movie was good crew. It was fucking awesome Dude, the opening scene they throw the mom off the Disney movie scene number one They throw this kids mother off a roof Palestine. Yeah, dude The opening scene they throw the mom off the, Disney movie scene number one. They throw this kid's mother off a roof. Like Palestine. Yeah dude, it's fucking great. You like you Lesbo.

Pull it up. Yeah. Is that Glenn Close? Well the 101, the one with Emma Stone. Oh the new one. Dude it was so funny. One day I was sitting having sushi in LA with Tim Dillon and Tim's like, Emma Stone fucking hates me man.

Just absolutely despised me. Well we're listening to him and we're like Emma Stone fucking hates me man just absolutely despised me and you know what well we're listening to him and we're like you know you know he's just going on it's funny because you know he said something funny about her on twitter or whatever and it's so funny and Tim's like yeah he fucking despises me whatever and you know we're laughing and because you know Tim Dillon is you know so laugh out loud funny yeah and then you know we're in LA so like I guess anything can happen we're in the the sushi restaurant. Ten minutes later, Emma Stone and her boyfriend or manager walk in. Like they, she fully walks in. No way Tim knew that. He was just talking about it. And then literally she's walking from the door this way and I'm sitting where you are and

Tim's here. So she walks in and she goes, ugh. And then he's still in it. And Tim was like, you see? You see? And I was like, holy shit, bro. Yeah. Tim was gonna spin that for her being homophobic. So yeah. Yeah. He'd get a couple of rolls. Wow, that's so funny that Tim's got Hollywood beef

with MSN. Oh, it was fucking hilarious. Took us to the best sushi place in LA. It's like in a shopping center on like the second floor. So I'm like, but it's all these celebs in there and like it's one of those places like you can order off. I've been to that place. You can order off the menu.

They just come and bring the stuff to you. Yeah, yeah. I went there with a couple of writers. It was awesome. Yeah, yeah. All right, shit. Well, Tim knows all the top notch cuisine. Oh yeah, Don Angie's, you guys ever go to Don,

well that's the place we gotta go to, Don Angie. Oh, you went, you went. Yeah, well you and I went. Me and you and Sal, we all went. You had the fucking hockey puck design. That's our spot, I don't like how you're bringing them into it now. I thought I wanted to bring everybody in that was kind of our place I'm sorry plans behind my back with these guys no dude our place is lions tigers and squares pizzeria bugs the hell out You wouldn't even enjoy it. Huh would you actually enjoy basketball even like cuckoo's if I got the beef drunken on the monitor

Even like cuckoo's if I got the beef drunken on the monitor You'd be on your soapbox about fucking edibles just yelling at the players that they're on too much weed They should drug test these guys yeah Well, we were just oh yeah done and remember when we talked to Tim? We told Tim we were going to Don Ange? And he goes, dude, he started rattling off the menu. He goes, here's what you get. And he was like, no. I've done that with Tim. I'll be in a random city.

I'll be like, what do you got for this city? Because I already have Gary Veeder, who's a food snob, but Tim will level it up. Oh yeah. And Tim, you're right, he knows him. He's like, get the tuna tataki here. You know, yeah. Yeah.

It's like he's talking about baseball cards. Right, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then So he's talking about like baseball cards. Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then like you'll think you'll find, like I thought I found like a sandwich shop, like buried in the Lower East Side. And he's like, I forgot what it was called,

like the Dennis or something like that. He goes, oh, the Dennis. He goes, I've been eating that sandwich since 2006 with Fat Chris Italia. That's what he said. He's been there. He's had the Dennis. What store is that?

In Arlenes, grocery? No, with a P. Parisi. Parisi Sandwiches in Little Italy. And like you think like, you know, he just knows, he knows it all. Yeah. But hey, to each their own.

How's your head feel? I'm okay, I got a lump. Do you really? Yeah, but it's fun. Sorry. No, no, it's fun. I think it's- You're not supposed to actually get a concussion

from the fake bottles. No, no concussion. Did he ever get you with it? got him yesterday yesterday oh yeah we're hooked that's how many how many of them do you have a lot here's the thing okay so they cost $30 a piece is that right so Matt Peters got a mold and he's making them himself shut that's why the concoction was wrong and it hurts Wow was amazing how do you make them we're gonna it's gonna be a fucked up version You're just gonna be bleeding yeah, could you make a little softer you? sugar water

Melted sugar water, and you put it in a mold and it hardens That's it One days when you have curly hair like we have it stays in your fucking hair I'm sleeping my girlfriend last night, and she's touching my hair. She's like what is this? I'm like mark broke a bottle of Explain it When did this bit start how long you guys been doing it? Mark broke a bottle of them and trying to explain it. It was a podcast joke. When did this bit start?

How long you guys been doing it? Since Cinco de Mayo. Wow. Yeah. Okay. We had Brad Williams in here. We had to break a bottle over his head. We had a...

It's a big head. It's a huge bottle. We let Jordan Jensen break one over Ian's head. We had to have a few of those in there, but you know. Yeah, Jordan's a menace. She saw that thing and just went right for Ian. She was angry. Jordan looks like somebody that's broken an actual bottle. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Jordan's a menace. She saw that thing and just went right for Ian. She was angry. Jordan looks like somebody that's broken

an actual bottle. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. She's a dake. We gotta. She's not though. She's not.

Her mom is. Oh, is that right? She said her mom is, yeah. All right, well it falls for, doesn't fall for. Jordan told me that she'd build a tree house for my daughters for me, which is fucking weird. There you go. I was like, yeah, she's like, I'll.

Mark might've been right. Wait, what? She's a carpenter. She's a carpenter. She's a carpenter, dude. That's what she'll do. She's dressed like you right now on some work site. She said she would build a tree house for me and my kids, and she was like, you know, just let me know when to do it

I'll do it. There you go. Yeah, we got it We got to do an actual dinner thing that one of these nights like maybe not Don Angie's that's your spot We'll pick a good spot. I just didn't like that. He's making Don Angie Plins without me and I see there's an Italian cheeseburger spot Like that's that's supposed to like it's like from Italy like from Rome, but they specialize in burgers. We should go there It's got I can't even pronounce their fucking name. I'll tell you where I want to go. There's an English meaning England restaurant I think it's in the West Village. I know it they They only make ten of the burgers every day. I know you're talking about is it for Charles or something?

No, it's not for sure. I went to four Charles with Vita we had to go joke. Everything's imported. There's nothing American in there. Yeah fuck look up look up London or British on Hudson a hookup at four Charles No, I got fucking I did a favor for a guy and I got to do his web series or something I think I was a table there, but it's not a hookup. I got TJ. TJ's a hookup Yeah, Miller's connected over there, but they only make us you can't he brought me on my birthday and it was un fucking but just because you go doesn't Get the burger, right? We got everything don't go to the French dip is the best thing there, right? Don't go burgers Just go it's nuts. It's crazy. I thought the burger was better than a French really, but we got we got that we split it up We got the French how you do it got snakes. We got to try every crab cocktail shrimp cock

Wait, so what's the place? There's one place where you can go but they only make ten of the burgers. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, okay, but there's also a place that does ten a day, it's called Rowools. I know Rowools and Soho. You go there, right? But you ever gotten a burger though? No, I haven't. But you've been to the England restaurant I'm talking about.

What's it called? Is it called Lord's? Yes, it's Lord's. Oh, that's not what I was talking about. No, that's not the burger place I'm talking about. No, it is. It's a Lord's. Yes. It's like words. It's Lord's. That's not what I was talking about. Okay. No, that's not the burger place I know it is. I'm it's that's a it's a British place. Yeah, and the burger just says raw onion on it Yeah, yeah, if you had the bird, no, I want to go LaGuardia. How the fuck? Like I don't know. I'm sure we can figure it out Even if we got in how do you get in in time to get this fucking burger? You go first

Well, but you time to get this fucking burger? You go first. Well, but you gotta get a reservation. So you gotta get a reservation. So the most, the crazy thing, the most sought after reservations in this place are probably like 4.45 PM. I love that. We're trying to go to, Chris and I were trying to go to Via Corota

and they said that it was gonna be a setup for us, like a hookup for us, but we had to get there at like five. Dude, an early dinner's the best. I know, but then we just, we went to that other place. Remember? I got hungry then later again. Yeah, but you just drink water, dude. Just, an early dinner is the best. I know, but then we just, we went to that other place, remember? I got hungry then later again. Yeah, but you just drink water, dude.

Just drink fucking water, do an edible. What's you guys with water today? You fucking coke. When you coke you won't get hungry. When's the last time you did coke? I don't know. Come on, tell the truth, you pig. What time is it?

You were coked up the other night. I know when he's coked up when he sends me six minute voice notes. No, I was not. I was not. Six minute voice notes. That's my pee for the day. He's getting coked up at fucking Nexus Soul Jol in Prussia town, Pennsylvania. That good Prussia, Pennsylvania.

King of Prussia. No, I don't do it often. It's just once in a while, you know? How often? Every few months? Every few months? I don't know what's like bad. I don't, I'm not dismissing it.

I would like to do it. I've had stretches though where I've done it like weekly. Yeah. Not every day, but like once a week. Sure, every weekend. And definitely I've had weekends where it was like a birthday weekend or something where I'm like, I'll go three days in a row.

But it's like, dude, I'm not doing, again, it's just like we're going out drinking and you do it a little bit throughout the night so you just keep hanging out and having fun and being an idiot it's not aren't you worried about blowing out a gram but aren't you worried about just the quality of the shit now I feel like I hear all these stories yeah but they've got the testing strips testing it come on I test it do it you test it on your opener or something who do you test it no you test it on the strip oh they sell kits you put it on the No, you test it on the strip. Oh, they sell kits. You put it on the phenol testing.

It's easy. I didn't know this, all right. They do, they have bars have them and shit now. But like, bars? We did do it at my bachelor party. We had a whole ton of coke laid out. Yeah, we got the strips. But you didn't do it.

No, but you kept trying to do it before the test. You're like, come on, I can take it. No, I did not. I did not do that. I did not do that. That's not true. I was there. That's not true. Listen, trust me, I wish I did not I did not do that. Yeah, you don't do that. That's not true I was there true. I listen trust me I wish I could say that I was doing that I was one of the guys when when they showed us when

List showed us the test results I was like, I don't know is that safe like I was being like a little tested again a little wary Yeah, well then I was like, yeah fuck it. Yeah, you know if I'm gonna if I'm gonna kill over this is a good place That's true. We had a great time. Yeah. That was a hell of a weekend. God, dude, I spent cash that night, dude. You didn't make it back? I already made, you're supposed to give everybody money back.

Huh? No, no, no, not on the, I'm saying when we went out that night. Oh, the strip club. Yeah. How much you spent? They were ugly. Thousands.

I thought Tampa strippers were hot. We went to the bad ones on purpose. Oh, okay. Because you get the whole place. place. They were hot in that club. You were drunk What's his name we won't say names but somebody banged one of them remember how hot she was she was hot No non-comedian. He's so good-looking that strippers are like actually into him. He brought one back He fucked on a park bench. She was so hot that I was like hurt that he fucked her same I was like son of a bitch I watched the whole thing who is it can you pull him up on fucking well put it on patreon he might be married now yeah whatever but he's a good-looking dude you've met him he's a

gorgeous in a half do I know him yeah you'd met him I probably did already. You jerk off to his feet. Yeah I do. Wiki feet shadow. I love his feet. Where's the new specials on Wiki feet? I'm always bummed I missed that wedding. Oh yeah. I didn't go to the wedding. I just went to the bachelor party.

Oh you didn't go to New Orleans? The wedding was fun as hell. I know I wanted to go. I mean, Stav and I get an IV drip. Stav and I ending up at some fucking gas station with Ari at like 4 a.m Fucking just amazing eating fried catfish and fried oysters and shit. It's the best What I would love new oil I had to do one or the other and I opted for bachelor party That's a fun guy. Where was the bachelor party Tampa? Oh tamp nice fucking blast man

It really was we did three shows at the gate the first night and paid for the whole trip. We paid everyone's airfare. We got the house for free. Great. Perfect. Did you do shows too? Just three up front. Oh, three up front, okay.

They did shows. I showed up the next day. That Ari does that, when Ari, that skiing trip and you guys do a bunch of, it's fucking, what a blessing to be able to do it. Yeah, I'm trying to do one way in Florida right now. Yeah, sometimes my family will get mad at me, like we'll go on a vacation.

I'm like, we'll stay for a week, but like Monday and Tuesday I'm gonna do shows and they're like, why do you always have to work? I'm like, this is painful. Yeah, those are not your feet. That's my foot? That your hoof? My foot?

He's on wiki feet. Let me see. No, that's my foot. This one here? That one's my foot. Holy shit. That's me. What the fuck happened? That's out of order. It's what it is, bro.

What is that, Victor Wemba Nyama in the NBA? That's my foot. I don't think that's my foot. Ah! Oh my God, is that you? I thought that was Lena Dunham. Oh my God. What is that picture from?

That's from a Bay Ridge Boys episode. Good Lord. Webster's I did with Yanis when we did this Bay Ridge Boys episode where we were sleeping head to toe. You look like the kid in Ellis Island who's waiting on his papers. Yeah. You're on the bunk bed. I was a fat fuck too.

I know. He was a beefy piece of shit. He was wearing those old bathing suits from the 20s. Yannis was... Oh! Oh! He wasn't fat. There, Yannis.

Oh! Is this a lemon party? Yeah. We gotta have you guys make up, man. I know. How often do you talk on that? you guys make up man. I know I have you How often do you he doesn't care anymore? He's got talked to him about it I haven't spoken to him in a few months, but I'm down to talk to him come on in yeah Get him in

Give him a beefy been five years. Yeah, who cares at this point? We should I want to bring it back start talking about history and yelling at me again. Hell. Yeah Squeak squeak of the week. Yeah, that was a great joke. Squeak of the week, we had like our whole language on history. I know, I know. People still, I mean, it's almost like daily, people will at least comment on YouTube and yell something about history.

It was funny, man. It was fun. Do it again. Well, I would. Okay. I would do it again. It's funny. Why did it stop in the first place?

Oh boy. Here we go. It's that stuff. I think if hopefully we do it again, it would be fun for me and Yannis to go out and like the first episode we do is the history of history, I ain't as type thing and then talk, you know what I mean? I like that. And then do that and get it all out like in a fun way

of like what happened, my side, his side and then kind of, you know, and then patch it up and then yell about. You could do it like debate style too. Like, you know, we could, we can moderate it. Yeah, yeah. I could come out and bring character witnesses. He could come out and bring character witnesses.

This fucking guy will come out for the both of us and fucking two time and pig. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The clip of Joe coming out when you, what was it on, Taste Buds? Which podcast was it? Oh, that was Hey Babe.

Oh my God. Can we pull that up? That's one of the flicks. Whoa, the one he came and started screaming at me? Yeah, he was a fucking pig. Dude, he saved my fucking ass on that. Wow. Because, here's what, before we play,

let me just preface it. I went into, I started to, because now that this is about a year and a half ago, I was probably just like clinically depressed. I started going so deep into stoicism. I mean look at me dude, these fucking glasses. I started going so- I forgot you were wearing these glasses all the time. I went so deep into stoicism that I just started to talk about, like I knew, like I read one line of a fucking Marcus Reilly thing and I'm like,

I'm talking about it like this is the new me. Like kinda like when Joe's talking about edibles. We're just like, you know, in weed shops. I'm like, this is how it is. And I was such a fucking doofus and I was hanging myself out to dry with this serious point. I made myself look like such an asshole

and then Joe came in and saved my fucking life, and then I told everyone that was a planned bit So I didn't look like an asshole. Let's just watch it. Yeah, go good set up practice poverty once or twice a month So bad The two bosses sit coach, flying to, you know, a city. The oper... Oh! I just heard Chris talking about this in the other room. I just walked in like crazy.

You know too. How did you know you were here? Fucking pig! Did you just say you were going to practice poverty by flying coach and riding the subway? You just described my regular life! You called it poverty! That's insane! I can't believe I described DeRose's life when I was trying to make a philosophical point. What a piece of garbage Joe DeRose is No, I remember I saved me bro that day also to that moment helped me because I Don't remember what happened. I was so fucking mad at Sal about something. Mm-hmm that happened on taste buds

Yeah, and then like doing what you mad at was you mad about I don't remember. That's why I led with I don't remember doing what you mad about I don't remember that's why I led with I don't remember the I know but how bad never I've never argued about egg rolls like how bad could again you you've clearly missed a few episode I just watched a click do it yeah but real quick it goes it goes immediately from fucking Skittles to like character assassinate yeah yeah it's quick it'll get it'll get personal you're fucking adopted yeah yeah no yeah. No, I don't remember. I left, like we finished recording and I was like in the other room.

We were preparing for the live stream. I had to go in the other room after we recorded to sign the posters we were selling. And I remember I was sitting signing these posters after we recorded and I'm like, this fuck mother fucker. I was like, I was stewing it. I was I got up to leave I finished and as I was leaving I heard you say that and I walked in and did that and then Sal was laughing and

I started laughing and then it like diffused like me right being mad at so Wow right he doesn't even know I was mad. That's that that's gonna be tough because the whole show is arguing and debating and fighting your side. It's got to get heated It's gotten yeah, it gets ugly sometimes damn about Oreos It'll swell like Chris said it'll start there right right then it'll start to get into like once once you hear us going like You do this you do this you say these things and it and it's like that's that's what it's like Okay, we're not talking about the fights Not about the dishes anymore, right?

You guys have never fought you guys off air have never fought or been like I don't want to do the show anymore It's never come to that. There's never been one moment. We don't really fight. No, we fought over like at the cellar drunk You know, we got an argument about nothing ever to the point where it's been like, I don't know if we can do the show anymore We don't really fight. No, that's good. That's healthy. Yeah, the drinking helps I yeah, I can't imagine you guys really I could imagine arguing more with you than I could with Norman That's not an insult. That's just like we're more similar. Yeah You enlist a really Have the one of the longest running pods

out of all of us? 10 years, baby. I know, but I remember some of the fights. I remember being in the middle of some of the fights. Oh, really? I remember when he threw a birthday party for you and you were out of town or something. I didn't go.

And the party. And List was fucking heated and I was like, and I was like in the middle because I understood why both, like why he wanted to throw you a party and why you didn't want to party. Yes, so I was kind of in the middle like, you know Mark doesn't like he doesn't like that type of stuff No, and this was like why I did this for him and I'm like, I know but he has it

I had to kind of like get both and then I had to explain to mark like hey He did a nice thing for you tried to make both of them here the other person's side. I get it I get it, but he was he was more right, but Colin Quinn Let me alone today, what do you mean busting my stones today? What dude? What are you talking about? Let me alone you took off the comedy podcast suit Just go back to regular Chris now Tell you I go do you have die cookie goes yeah, and you just sat back down

I go do you have diet coke? He goes yeah, and he just sat back down You look like a waiter on a gay cruise You like 12th season Gilligan yeah They're never coming man Gilligan how many coconuts you been eating here a while too many yeah The I think that I feel bad for this kid cuz we he's upset so this fucking pecan beverage it wasn't I liked it the most Oh, God! Bob Denver! It's Bob Denver!

Alright, alright. Denver Omelette? Okay. Bush. Brush with Craig. I think he killed himself. I've got an old man. Has an old man killed himself? Yeah, well, you gotta hear Hey, buddy over and over.

Who would do that? He did coke and died. No, he didn't. Stop it. All right. I dated a girl who would do blow in the morning before work and it was a huge turn on. Turn on? Turn off, yeah, but she'd do blow all night,

we'd bang and she'd drink. Is that the girl you were dating when you were a janitor? I remember when I first met you, you were a fucking janitor. It might have been around then. Remember Mark as a janitor? It was wild, dude. Best job I ever had.

You would hear his keys. He was always cleaning fucking public schools, coming into open mics. Yeah. Smelling like puke and... I would hang out in the boiler room. Yeah. Like did a lot of writing in there.

Yeah, that was a wild gig. Who was the girl? You don't know her, just Rando, floozy. Floozy. Good times. I bet he got laid a ton off this, by the way. Oh yeah. Not working for me.

Yeah. Remember Dobie Gillis? Of course. He was course kind of cool. It was a hunk. Yeah, yeah Show he was on hmm. It was called the the many loves of Dobie Gillis, and he played his like beatnik best friend there it is Very yeah, he's like a cool cat on that you know Thanks, buddy, no, no, no, no, I'll take that big ice cube. Dolby Shane Gillis. I love these ice cubes. Yeah, right? Yeah, they're nice. Nice circle cube. Cube.

Ooh. Boom. It's actually not a cube anymore. Just saying. I've gotten into a few dust-ups with List. Really? He's an easy guy to argue with. Sure. But so am I.

Right. I'm not knocking him. But you were there, remember when we were on the road together, the three of us? Where? Where? Oh Sacramento. We were all managed by Bjorn Yeah, and we all went to Sacramento and me and Lis remember the last night we got into that fucking Yeah, what was that about? You guys were kind of pecking all weekend and then the last night It was a bad. He was still drinking then though wasn't he? He was we all were. That guy would get a case at noon By the way Mark and Joe were opening for me

I've zigged when I should have said It was a wild weekend remember you hooked up with a girl in the cast did she have a cock it's I swear Chris I swear to you. I Hooked up with this woman. She was I was like 29. She was like 48. I remember. Oh, it's so hot I swear to God, it's the most I ever in my life thought I might have AIDS. Really? She looked like it.

They were like, no disrespect, they were nice people. This lady was like, like jet trash, as they say. Like you thought she was like, you were convincing yourself she has AIDS from intravenous drug use, and now you have it. Really skinny, but she was sk use and now you have it really skinny Right. She was skanky and you did it. Oh, no, we didn't bang. I just got blown Oh, yeah, but back then I you know, I didn't know anything. So right. It was the most nervous I've ever dude. I used to think that you could get HIV and I'm talking about when I was in like my 20s

I used to think that you could get it if I had unprotected sex with a girl and like her blood type mixed in a weird way with my blood type that would somehow create AIDS. So that's why I was like paralyzed with fear about it. Dude, and that was when I was getting my doctorate degree in physical therapy. You thought you could just create AIDS. I thought, I thought, and then like, you know,

I didn't like make an announcement, but like somewhere in like a lecture, it was taught to me that like, they have to have full AIDS for you to get it and how almost it's so difficult to get it as a heterosexual guy. Also, he's still going. I mean, I think AIDS is cool now.

He was an outlier at the time for sure. There's not a stigma against it as much. No, there's theories that Magic Johnson was mistaken, he didn't have it, or that he had access to the medicine that's available now. Regular HIV medicine now will make it almost undetectable in your blood. There you go.

All right, cut that. That was, I've been drinking. What, any peeves, anyone? Oh, I got one. Oh, look at that guy. Hello, magic. That guy is sparkling. Body of a power forward, though.

Oh, yeah, 100%, power bottom. Coulda played. Coulda played. He's having a good time, man. I ain't mad at him. Good for him. Get in there, baby. He's a sexy, slinky man.

I got a peeve. Hit me. This is a whopper. I hope you guys can get on board with this. The guy who goes something, something, something, straight up. Everything is straight up. We're gonna go out tonight, we're getting laid,

we're getting steaks, straight up. I don't even know what it means. I never even heard a person say that. You never heard the straight up? Oh yeah, I've heard that. It's right out there. It's annoying. Trump's gonna win straight up straight-up. Oh, yeah, I've heard that it's right out there It's annoying Trump's gonna win straight up. All right. Well, why is it straight up? I don't even know what that means, but people say it all the time seasoning on the comment. It's like full stop

Yeah, yeah, you already stop is dumb. It's dumb. Yeah, it's like when people I don't like my peeves to when people sign an email cheers Look, you're not British. Cheers. It's like shut up. Just write sincerely, don't write anything. I don't need to hear cheers. I have a problem, I have a problem 1000%. With anybody, more so when they put it in writing

than just verbally, vocally. When anybody uses a phrase that's a new phrase dumped into the public like it's lit I'm with you on that not not as much as that not so much like a like a new like like oh that's fat or that's all you know not so much a slang thing I got one that's fat we're fucking old yeah that's I want to start saying that's fat when somebody goes like somebody goes like like when I got when I when the Nurses canceled me. Yeah, I kept seeing the same phrase. Hey brah this ain't it. Oh Like do better yes, yes do better

This ain't it is yeah time and no I get like yeah that ain't it really I see fucking red I'm with you because they just heard it from hey brah. Yeah, and now, that ain't it really I see fucking red. I'm with you. They just heard it from hey, bruh Yeah, and now they're saying it. Yeah, my fucking daughter says bruh Yeah, dude, hey, you know Hill gift. Yeah, just like yeah Yeah, no, they'll just she'll just say it she'll go brook like in the park like if one of her friends like, you know Like little kids up she go bro. Come on, bro. I'm like don't stop gateway to the n-word. Yeah, I know I'd rather say that I'm gonna be on, bro. I'm like, stop! Gateway to the N-word. Yeah, I know, I'd rather say that. She's gonna be doing coke, Sarah.

I know, dude. I gotta peeve, I'm at the corner store, the deli guy, and it's like after the Knicks game, we're both bitching about the Knicks loss, and some lady, she just sees us both looking really sad. She goes, what's wrong with you guys? And I go, oh, the Knicks. And she goes, I don't care.

I was like, you brought it up. Yeah. Yeah, we didn't ask you to care. You intruded. That's a justifiable time to say cunt. Cunt, yeah. That's a justifiable cunt right there. That's like fuck off.

You need a cunt card, like you say it, and then you go, no, my friend, this is a good time. Yeah. You know what's a pet peeve of mine too, in stores? What's that? I gotta be honest with you, I don't want anyone coming up to me asking if I need help with anything.

If I need help, I'll ask you. As soon as you walk in, when someone says, can I help you out with anything, I'm right here, my name, I don't care how polite you are, I wanna walk out of your store. It's funny, I was trying to write a bit about this the other day, is do you do this? I don't do a lot of bits like this. Do you ever do this? Whatever, but like, I do wanna write a bit about this the other day is do you do this? I don't do a lot of bits like this.

Do you ever do this? Whatever, but I do want to write a bit about this. Do you ever ask for help in the store and they're too helpful? Oh yeah. Like I was in Target and I was like, hi, I'm looking for arrow beds. Like the inflated, and the lady's like, sporting goods.

I go, great. She goes, okay, so you walk all the way up. Oh yeah. And I go, uh-huh. I literally was walking away from her Wow back to her ten feet away she was still talking Wow right going like and then the aisle and then when you get there and He's like, shut the fuck up. That's what's funny about it.

Yeah. You're mental. You're mental. No, I didn't do much coke. You're fucking mental. No, but it's like, I'll ask for help, and they'll keep. And I'm like, I got it. I got it.

When I say I got it. It means I got it I got you right stop, but because they're waiting they're sitting there wait. I guess is my peeve. They're sitting there waiting They're bored. Please somebody. Yes, please somebody asked me where the fucking inflatable beds are Yeah, he's got to get to a protest at Columbia. That's why he needs a shit on It's where these things are located. Why do you, what is your, your seems harmless. What? Why do you get mad when a guy goes,

you need anything? Or you need help? Because I think that it puts, I, I, I think I have social, a bit of social anxiety. And I think when every time somebody comes up to me in a store and wants, cause I think that it's not genuine. I think they're just coming up to me cause they have to. And I totally understand that. But I, I, and I also feel like, you know what? I'll find it's not genuine. I think they're just coming up to me because they have to. And I totally understand that.

But I also feel like, you know what, I'll find it on my own. Because I don't know how to build anything or do anything. And I'm always getting shit on by my family. We're like, Chris, you don't know fucking anything. Thank God you're kind of OK at comedy, or else you'd be a piece of shit. That's just what I hear in my head all the time. So when in the store, when someone's like,

you know, do you need help? What I'm really hearing is like my mom and Jazz being like, hey, you know, you can't find anything, you fucking baby. Just makes you realize how fucked up every person is. Yeah, yeah. Someone's just walking over trying to help you and you're like, no, fuck you, mom. Yeah.

That's every person's got some level of that. Yeah, which is like ridiculous, but. But no, but we all have it Yeah, yeah, I had one where uh Fuck I wrote it down. I had some peeve Oh this one about the guy who fucks up and then it's too hard on himself So you can't say anything the guy will fuck something up for you and you're like, ah shit and he's like, oh, I'm a fucking idiot Oh, I'm such a piece of shit, and you're like well now

I can't say anything It's like him beating himself up all right of this jitter this I think this is what you're saying Yeah, and it's a long same like I've had friends big surprise all comedians because they're fucking psychos I Really I truly hate comedians the worst I hate them as people We're all self-centered narcissists. It's ridiculous. The whole art of it is baby. We're on stage, look at me, look at me.

That's our existence. You go up there and you bomb like I do. Yeah. Because I'm a real person. Yeah. But like, it's always a comedian friend where they will do something egregious and you'll be like, hey dude, like yeah man. That was really fucked up what you did and they'll go just

You're right, dude. I'm just so far and then you and then you're going dude. You're you're a good guy Blow your head off and you go and then you realize you that's fucking manipulate. Yes That's manipulation. That's your way of getting off the hook. Yes. It's so fucked up. I hate it. It's so fucked up. It's a trick. That's why it's good to have your outside friends, like your non-comedian friends. Just got to have people just tell you the truth, dude. Right, Skippy? You know?

There you go. Well, he doesn't talk. He's a mute. That's it. But yeah, along with the this ain't it and the do better, I was just in LA, and of course LA it's all agents and industry, so all they do is throw these fucking colloquialisms and shit at you, and this is the big one now. We're gonna unpack that later, and then we're gonna table this. Oh, shoot. You know, you say something, they go, table that, and then we'll get back to it. Like, what the fuck is table?

Yeah, or that, or in the specific industry when somebody goes um you know you pitch a show or pitch an idea to like an executive and then they pass on the end your agents will tell you they loved you they absolutely love you think you're great it's like listen huge fans listen they own a network dude this is why I love our agent Mike Berkowitz I'll publicly shout this out that's why I love Berkowitz never once never once in my life since I've been represented by him, called me to ask me how I'm doing. He calls me or texts me with fucking work.

And I'm like, thank you, bro. I don't need you to check in on me. When agents and managers are like, I'm just calling to say hello. I'm like, I have a family that I can't, what do you want to talk? Just you're here to tell me. No, wait, wait, wait, wait. I think that's, that what you just said is more psychotic than me getting mad at the lady over. Why? Hey, Joe, wait, wait, wait. I think that's what you just said is more psychotic than me getting mad at the lady over some air.

Why? No, I'm like, hey, Joe, can you unpack that? No, I think it's actually, if it's genuine, if it's genuine. It never is, there ain't. It never is. They don't wanna get fired. Hold on, I disagree.

We have the same manager. Our manager will call us some, well, he calls me sometimes, he goes, hey dude, I just wanna, we talk all week long about work stuff. He'll call me sometimes and go, hey dude, I just want to we talk all week long about work stuff He'll call me sometimes you go. Hey, dude, I just wanna say you're doing and he knows I'm a guy I kind of need somebody to go. Hey, dude, you doing okay, like put some cayenne pepper in it. I appreciate that I appreciate that that's a personal touch that I do managers are different than agents. It's bullshit. Yes Because I think what I think it's the same. It's not genuine

It's like oh i'm just calling to check in on you Because I don't want you to think we haven't spoken and then you get an idea to fire Me exactly. That's what I think. Okay. I get a lot I used to have a manager who would just it'd be an hour-long phone call Oh those people and you're just like I don't she'd be like I remember I went in once and I was like mad I didn't get a thing and she was like you look just like blank. I won't say his name a guy She used to date. Yeah, I'm like say his name, a guy she used to date. Yeah. I'm like, you're talking about a guy you used to,

you're my fucking manager. Yeah. Dude, that's why like with our, sometimes we're like a little, I won't say, you know, I'm a little infantile sometimes and like, you know, naive, but that's why it's good. Like, you know, Jazz, my girl, she's like just a Puerto Rican girl from Sunset Park

that like grew up in the real hood, like the actual hood, bullets flying through, family members in jail, in the real hood. Like the actual hood, bullets flying through, family members in jail, like the real hood. And she so kind of like sees the bullshit, smells the bullshit immediately. I had a manager once, very short-lived, that was like wanted to be friends with her and kept asking me for her information.

And she was like, you need to fire this fuck right now. I said, why? She was like, why do you think she's trying to be friends with me? I was like, she's a nice person. She was like, no, no, no, right now. I said, why? She was like, why do you think she's trying to be friends with me? I was like, she's a nice person. She was like, no, no, no. She wants to put her hooks in me, so you can never fire her,

because the only way that she'll keep you, even if she's not doing business-wise, she'll keep you in the personal loop. Because she'll be friends with me. She, I wonder who this is. She goes, get her the fuck out of your life right now. And I swear to God, dude, I didn't even discuss it with our manager.

I literally put, you know, stop talking. There's an agent or a manager. Manager. I put the phone down. I put the phone down and I just called and I did it in 30 seconds. I thought for a second you said I didn't discuss it with my manager. I'm sorry. From our manager to this person. Yes. Back to our manager. Yes. That's what happens. That's a smart lady you got there. Yeah. She's very smart. That's very intuitive. See that I agree with. That I agree with lady you got there. Yeah, she's very smart. That's very intuitive. But see that I agree with.

That I agree with in the personal sense. But I just mean like, I actually do think it's kind of nice with people that are so involved with your wellbeing and your livelihood, if the once in a while they show a human side. I agree with that. You know what dude, why don't we just go grab dinner? Why don't we just go grab dinner and hang out,

have some fun tonight, like blow off some steam, talk shop, how you feeling emotionally? What's a prep? I guess it's a preference then because I'd rather do that with my fellow comedians like human But that side is like your job is to bring me the the the business Yeah, sometimes you're going to these dinners and you're not getting the business. Yeah, that is it is different Well, that's true, too But I don't mean all the time I just mean like once once but I also do think it's different with a manager an agent a manager is a little more hands-on That's kind of your quarterback. Yeah, right. And by the way, I want an agent to always be, you know, friendly and personal

I always be friendly and personal to them whatever but it's just like I don't need to have a conversation about like just checking in On me. I don't need that from you. No, I have other people in my life that I do that. I hate the check And here's another one. I'll throw you I just did mention it the LA shows So there I go to LA so all the management of mine is in LA. So they're like, we're gonna come to the show. So now my green room, I shouldn't be saying this. My green room is full of managers, agents, and they all think they're doing the right thing

by going, you're in LA, you sold this thing out, here we are, we're supporting you. They're just taking time from you from writing your bits. Exactly, I'm like, I gotta work on my bits, but you gotta be nice and they showed up. Yeah Imagine the Knicks are warming up and they're mad. It's like hey tickle tickle. No, it's like even chun's like I want to shoot three Brunson we got a lot to unpack Why don't you just tell them like guys I don't want anybody in the green room It's like 30 of them. They're all they all

Give me a clear everyone out. You need one person. Yeah. Hey, do you mind? I just need to go over our manager is good at that. You know, it was good at that He'll get people out. That's what he's fucking great at that. He's great at that. After the show. I don't care at all Oh, yeah, hang on. I do get I do but you my people are pretty good about you got to meditate You got to like just get you're prepared for a game you meditate before a show i try to really i do Whatever jerry seinfeld tells me to do By the way, oh yeah i know i saw it i texted about it i fuck it oh dude i tell you i bombed with Him on tech yeah

No, no a new one a new one dude i bombed even worse Here i'll read it to you Oh, it's a sequel. So here, I'll read it to you. Oh, I fucking ate it hard again. So we're texting, you know, like, you know, obviously I know your friends, I, you know, quickly, Jerry Seinfeld called me in the middle of the pandemic. We had a nice conversation. It was all through Colin Quinn. It was, you know, Colin is like, you know, whatever. So, so we talked and then he was like, oh, send me a joke anytime. I sent him a joke, fucking left it on read. It was a pathetic joke, whatever, bomb. But then I would see him and it was always cool.

He's like the coolest guy. But then I heard him on Neil Brennan's podcast, Blocks, and it was unbelievable. He was talking about, he said something specific about parenting where he was like, oh I don't only want the quality time with my kids, I also want the garbage time. And like I just want the time to be with them

when we all are on our phones or doing shit nice thank you and it goes on yeah yeah all right great and then he goes and then okay you said yeah and then and then I he wrote and I said story I need something to get through it well I go read text with famous people no no but there no because listen nobody cares about the same cuz I bombed it's a thing it's a humble brag oh listen I bombed with It's a thing. It's a humble brag Oh, listen. Oh, I bombed with the famous. Oh my god. Give me my glasses on my zip-up jacket Unpack it. I'm sitting on coach. I'm good. Morrell gets it

Right now you call me a cocksucker You know the lighter was invented before the batch all right go You call me a cocksucker? Yeah. Yeah. I'm just fucking kidding. You know, the lighter was invented before the match. All right, go. I go, really great stuff on Block's podcast. And I put in quotes, because he said this, he goes, you do comedy not to find out who you are, but to find out who you're not, right?

So I said, as the kids say, that's a banger. And he wrote, banging away out here, SNL surprise walk-on tonight. So he walked onto SNL two weeks ago, but this was at like three o'clock in the afternoon So nobody knew so I wrote back my DVR just got unfrosted. Oh Oh my god call him a pig you fucking pig

you fucking pig haha oh my god you're right he should have responded yeah fucking be honest did he respond? no i'll show you mark mark alright alright

ohhhhh it says delivered too I'll show you, Mark, Mark! Gold. Look at that! Oh! It says delivered too. Yeah. And it's, yeah. Unfrozen. Yeah! Oh, that was a brown one. Please, I'm begging you.

That's what it was one of my kids. I'm begging you. Can we create, can we please, can we please create an amazing podcast moment right now? Okay. We just did. Can you please, no, that was great, but let's bring it home.

Clip that, Matt. Please text Jerry right now and No, I just told the story of how my last text to you bombed and see if you respond Oh, he's not gonna respond why you're not on a chain with him. You're He's probably gonna be upset I even mention this no He'll find it. He watches this. He's listening to this. Then why would he not think that it's funny? Oh, shit, sorry. Oh, damn it, F. My F-Fanny's frosted.

Then why would he not think it was funny to say? Come on, Joe. I'm telling the story. I will say that girth. Oh, jeez. You're telling me no way in hell he'd go. I don't think so. Well, he just doesn't want to deal with it. He doesn't like getting texts anyway.

So he's like, oh, now I got to keep going with this? That's how he is. Yeah, it'll burn. I mean, it was a, here's how bad it was. Even when I told my, Jazz, my family, and she goes, Chris, you're a professional so-called comedian. She was like, if that's like, even if she was, if my mom texted me that, I'd write back, you're a cornball. Yeah. She was like, so what the fuck were you doing? I was like, I's like even she's if my mom texted me that I'd write back. You're a cornball Yeah, so what the fuck were you doing? I was like, I don't know. You have a self-destructive streak

Yes, there's a there's this is a part of the comedians that I think people don't understand It's like we were the kids in class that wanted to say the most fucked up thing possible Right, and that doesn't go away just because you're talking to a comedy legend. Yeah, good point Please let me bring everything full circle when I say I missed the edge of this business. That a self-destructive streak now is writing a corny joke to a comedian and not shooting up heroin before you gotta go on taxidermy. Well said. Yeah.

You can do both. Yeah, yeah. But also it's kind of so bad it's good. Right. I thought he would go, ah, you fucking nerd, something like that. He could have zinged, that opens the door for a good zing. I actually am surprised, just from a comic standpoint, that he didn't write back like, yick.

Exactly. Because I think, to be honest with you, when I wrote that bat, when I wrote that, when I wrote that, and tone is everything, when I wrote that, I knew it wasn't great, but I was kind of trying to be a subtle cornball and have like I write stuff like that to Colin all the time like yeah I bet you this corny shit Andy Kindler wrote that to or Todd Glass wrote that to Jerry Seinfeld he would go that's funny because it's that's their brand of humor right he. He doesn't know you that well. My DVR just got unfrosted.

That's kind of what I was going for. You're not that guy. You're a fucking meathead. I know. I know. I know. I know. I fuck.

Oh, that's a great point. You got him there. What happened to Sam? I was looking for a charge. Oh, yeah. This isn't long enough. I'm bleeding creatine. Cause if you saw him in person you'd go how about that in Frosted? Oh that was bad.

He would go oh yeah that was bad. And then you're back. Yeah. But the texts are brutal. Yeah dude I fucked up. Nah. But it's self destruction. It's fine.

It's what it is. It's what we all do dude. I was texting with Patton Oswalt today and I made him laugh. Did you? Yes, I did. What'd he say? I'm like, I don't need to tell my stories on that. Is he hanging out? Does he want to come by?

We were supposed to hang out tonight, but he's doing press for, I guess whatever he's promoting or whatever. Unfrosted 2. King of Queens 2. King of Queens reboot. Here we go. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I should have sent that to Jerry. That's your brand. Yeah, yeah. Reboot here we go We're gonna send him that clip though of this yeah Well you guys got stuff you want to oh yeah, we lost the Google fucking Google when Sal go when does this come out? Oh, yeah, oh we lost the Google bitch. We lost the fucking Google bitch. When'd Sal go? When does this come out? Two weeks. Oh yeah, okay great, okay. Yeah, I think Sal. Chris and I are doing a gig together.

June 22nd baby. How funny is this dude? June 22nd, you know, big gig for Sam and I were gonna be in Atlantic City. I was telling my family the other day, I was like, oh we'll go to Atlantic City June 22nd and Jazz has got her arms folded, she's looking at me like this. And I'm like, what? June 22nd we're all gonna go to Atlantic City. 22nd and Jazz has got her arms folded. She's looking at me like this.

And I'm like, what? June 22nd, we're all gonna go to Atlantic City. She was like, mm-hmm. She goes, why do you think that date's important? And I was like, um, I don't know. I was like, it's a Saturday in June. I was like, the kids have school, it's a Saturday. She goes, when's your youngest daughter's birthday?

And I was like, not June 22nd, it's June 24th. She was like, yeah, exactly. She was like, June 24th's a Monday. We're having her birthday party, which I told you a hundred times. Saturday, June 22nd, is your daughter's birthday party. I was like, well, just make it on the fucking 23rd. Or I said, why don't we just have it

at the craps table in Atlantic City? And so, but I'm still, we're gonna go. We're gonna gonna go I'm gonna bring my family to Atlantic City coming. They're coming We're gonna do her birthday party. I thought your divorce papers just got unfrosted. I Can't believe by the way, you're worried that your family is mad that you don't know how to like find a hammer in a store Your daughter's birthday. So Sunday June 23rd. We're gonna we're gonna do the party and she's gonna ruin our fucking dinner it's I know that's true she wants she bought that you know that children's museum please touch museum please touch me on the museum where he touched me oh my god dude that's where we're gonna go yeah we're still getting dinner after that right that 100% running that Jared Fogel

Sound what to go hop in a puddle like two hours. You want to go fucking stop? You weren't here for the first hour. Yeah, you were late. We were talking about the Nazis, and I was fucking saying how they're not bad They're just misunderstood the Hitler AI thing where he speaks. Oh my god. Yes, it was very motivating All right, all right Chris, and I got hours to kill right now. We're going to hang out. We're going yeah We're gonna hang out. We're gonna hang out. I got a show at 8 o'clock at power paragon sports I'm on that you're gonna do that. See you there. So what is it though? I was on those Thursday Are you doing with me? Oh, maybe it's Thursday. No, I got Paragon Sports Show, A15 and A45.

They do all week. But what is Paragon? It's a fest comedy festival, isn't it? These guys do shows in weird places. Gym, snowboard shop, week store, cats deli. Cats deli. It's kinda cool, they do this. And they're always packed.

So where's Paragon though? Do we have any idea where it's gonna be? It's on 17th Street and Broadway. Union Square area? All right, that's gonna be weird. That's like a two-story sporting goods store Yeah, and they said that's where the show is and they're doing shows They're doing multiple shows at the same time cuz I got an 815 spot an 845 spot up down How many spots you got tonight? I did seven last night

When's the last time you did how do you do comedy seven nights a week, you try? Yeah. So when's the last time you didn't do stand up? I'll take Sundays off sometimes. When's the last time you took a weekday or Saturday off? Rarely. Maybe like Thanksgiving or something, Christmas. Right.

Yeah. But out of 365 days, you're on stage 350 minimum. Probably, yeah. I like it. I mean, it's not like a workaholic thing. No, no, no, you enjoy it. I just enjoy it. Yeah. Michelle Wolf, she's always like, why do you get up so much? I'm like, I like it. I mean it's not like a workaholic. No. No you enjoy it Yeah, Michelle wolfies always good. Why do you get up so much? I'm like it's fun. I'm having fun

And I don't want to be home praise be to Allah yeah, kweef good good to get up a lot mark we've What do you got here? Oh look at this? We got a Amsterdam whoa? Belfast Liverpool Glasgow Birmingham in London in first weeks of June good luck with Birmingham that's a heckle fest yeah Glasgow dude I'm not selling I'm selling well in certain places some other places I'm shitting the fucking bed they're tough they don't know what to tell you even London oh two shepherds Bush Empire I mean I sold well in London it's it's fine but it's not I don't know something happened oh really really? It's fucking, I don't know. Maybe the boom is over. My infrosta text.

And then June 22nd with Sammy Morrill in Atlantic City. I thought we saw the first show. I know. June 22nd in Atlantic City and a couple of special guests were bringing us. Couple of special guests. And then Sam and I are gonna be going out in July and August, we're gonna do a little tour here.

Some casinos, yeah. Some casinos, baby. Chrissy and Sam, we both tape specials. We're both trying to build back up. That's it, baby. Well, this is probably, this is gonna come out after the 25th. Yeah, it comes out in June 2nd.

All right, so, well, I'm doing some festival stuff. I'll be on Chrysher's tour. Oh, hell yeah! June. See you there. Fully loaded. Skankfest in September, but the big announcement I have, it's not on my website yet,

because by the time this comes out, it will be, I'm taping my fucking next special, finally. Whoa! I've been on the road working on this for a couple years. Called Nurses. Yeah, yeah. At the Colonial Theater in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania. September 14th, it's a Saturday, two shows.

Tickets are on sale now. Very, very, very limited seating. It is a very, very small venue, but we're doing two tapings. Go to joderosa.com for tickets. I'm excited, man. It's been a long, long, long buildup. You think it'd YouTube?

I don't know yet. I'm gonna shoot it and then see what happens. But I got an amazing crew of guys working on it with me and I'm excited. All right, me too. That'd be awesome. When does this come out again? This is Sam, six, two.

Oh, so I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky tonight. You probably already missed that. Oh, fun club. Great club. Brea Improv, the seventh through the ninth of June. Then we got Atlantic City, June 22nd with Chrissy. I'm doing Rochester, New York, the end of that month in June.

We just added Miami improv. We got Timonium Baltimore area Again, he's yeah, Magoobies. I'm trying to avoid saying the name Magoobies joke house, but yeah building back up and I got Europe coming up. So that's Yeah, September 18th. We got London. Oh And I got Europe coming up so that's oh, yeah, September 18th. We got London September 18th London September 22nd Belfast September 24th Dublin September 25th Paris, and we got Amsterdam Copenhagen Oslo in Stockholm, so I'm

That's in September so on sale now. What a run. Yeah, this is you mark all right all right, New Haven, Connecticut College Street musical that's a fun room, B-Town, the Schubert Theater, Georgia, the Atlanta Health something? Health Amphitheater, that could be weird. Oh, I think that's with Burt, that's why. Charleston, that's with Burt, Amphitheater, okay. Philly, the Miller Theater, then Pittsburgh at the Carnegie, whatever. Seattle, Spokane, Baton Rouge, Pensacola, Sioux Falls, Cedar Rapids, Rockford, I'm out of cities, I've been everywhere. So I gotta go to these weird towns, Greensboro, Anaheim,

Redding, PA, Red Bank, come on. Red Bank's gonna be great. Really? Red Bank's gonna be great, we'll go to Mark's show in Red Bank, and then the next night, Pitbull's playing at Forest Hill Stadium, we'll go see Pitbull. Oh, I hear it.

You wanna see some fucking big fake butts. And Bodega Cat is now in New York City. Hey! Yay! BodegaCat now in New York City. Hey! BodegaCatWhiskey.com should be at the cellar when this comes out. We're taping this two weeks before, but it should be at the cellar right now. I love it. It's about fucking time. Thanks for everybody for hanging in there.

And if you're in New York and you want it, get in touch. Yes, get a bottle. They're going fast. We're almost sold out. Thank you. Comedy. fast we're almost sold out thank you comedy Up on the roof like a cop's comin' And naked Samuel is feelin' dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true