We Might Be Drunk - Ep 185: Harland Williams & Sci Fi Hamster Wheel

Episode Date: June 24, 2024

BODEGA CAT IS NOW AVAILABLE IN NEW YORK, CALIFORNIA, FLORIDA & NEW JERSEY Ask for it at the Comedy Cellar in New York City! We are joined tonight by the wacky and great Harland Williams, we enjoy some Sci Fi Hamster Wheel from Thin Man Brewery.  Really great episode with a good solo bit up top. Check out Harland's podcast "Harland's Highway" https://www.youtube.com/@HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Williams: https://harlandwilliams.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Mark Normand: https://marknormandcomedy.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Bodega Cat: http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/ If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD! Get $20 off your 1 st Gametime purchase. Download the app, create an account, and use the code DRUNK Refine your style with @CutsClothing and get 20% off with code DRUNK at https://cutsclothing.com/DRUNK #cutspartner

Yo! Hey, hey, we're here, we're queer, we might be drunk. There you go. You feel good? Yeah, good to be here. Beautiful, 75 degrees in New York City. So nice, I love this shit, man. Very nice.

I don't mind when it's cold here though. Everyone complains about the winter, I kind of like the winter. Love the winter. You throw on a big jacket, it's kind of fun. Love a jacket. Yeah. But this time you get the, I mean my neighborhood is just yoga pants city. I love that. It's pretty great.

But when you have the jacket you don't have to think about what you're wearing as much. True. I kind of like that. It cuts down on the get ready time. Definitely. And you feel like you take on the world in a big jacket. Yeah. I love a good jacket Love a big nut, but I hate a fucking like one of those. Oh That's growing up. That's all I had my parents remind me that was like the style back then to every jacket was like puffy

Yeah, the York. You probably didn't even have big jackets growing up in New Orleans. Didn't even own one had to buy one here That's crazy. What we had like I remember like you remember the blizzard of 96 and shit here I mean you'd have these big puffy jackets anyway, you look like jeez what pull up the Maggie Simpson on the In the big red you just looked ridiculous. Yeah, like Missy Elliott, you know Yeah, I hated the big day there Dude, yeah like Christmas story Yeah, hate the big jacket but they had this weather is fucking cool, man. And the yoga pants. Doesn't matter. Your ass,

you got a great ass. That's true. Yeah. It just, it'll take like a B minus to an A minus. That's a great point. It saves the ass. And some of them have like a weird thing at the bottom that like accents the cheek. Yeah. I don't know what they're doing, but on doing it there Lulu lemon. Yeah, it's been great for Great for the ass Lulu. It's the origin story is that he was doing it to make fun of that's what I heard

That's that's I think it was debunked is it I don't look it up. Look at that third one go up top No, no, no a little left. Yeah, the third one. Look at that accent. I believe this is padding Okay, maybe padding but see that Darker line at the bottom you want wanna see an accent, get an Asian person to, no, okay. Roo-roo. Yeah. Boy, lots to talk about. Saw a face in the crowd off of your guys' wreck,

Ilya Kazan. I feel like we all have pretty good movie taste. Of course. That's a, Ilya Kazan, we played that clip with Dorosa and Chrissy here, yeah. Yeah, I mean not a good guy Great fucking filmmaker. I mean on the waterfront East of Eden Streetcar named desire a one. Yeah, is there a death of a salesman? What am I talking? She couldn't do that, you know, but yeah facing the crowd is like man

And it's one of those movies that it feels so relevant is like man and it's one of those movies that it feels so relevant yes like when you rewatch network and you're like fuck this is always this type of cynicism is always gonna be around say it parallels the rise of Trump as well like the populist candidate totally but the media stuff is so similar to now we haven't evolved that we have podcasts and we have Instagram and social media, but it still works somehow. It's so good. Yeah, and it's young Walter Mathow in there. Yes.

That guy just always fucking delivered too. Always great, but I mean, Andy Griffin. Unreal. He deserved an Oscar for that. I know, it was crazy. And it's, yeah, it's one of those movies that I feel like people sleep on. There's two, I don't know,

Betting Billy Wilder did the other one. It was A Face in the Crowd, and then the other one was Ace in the Hole. Oh, I don't think I've seen that. Which is kind of, it's kind of a similar message. I gotta watch that. Not a similar message, but like, kind of like how fucked up this guy is

and what journalism is. Oh really? It's a great movie, Billy Wilder made that. If you like A Face in the Crowd, definitely check out Ace in the Hole. It's Kirk Douglas. It's a great flick. Look at him.

Okay, who backed the first guy who got outed? Oh, what's his name? Somebody wrote- Rock Hudson? No, no, no, no. Somebody, the Hollywood 10? Yeah. He got there-

The communism, you mean? The communism. He got one of of them when that was all going on He was like this is ridiculous the guy wrote a huge was it Ben her Spartacus Whoever wrote Spartacus was in the Hollywood 10, and he said put his name on the fucking credits, and they were like we can't we can't He's blacklisted. He's like put it on there. So he got it on wow took some guts What happened to the guy after he got he got more work? Well, I kind of saved him it was at the tail end of it all He got it on. Wow. Took some guts. What happened to the guy after? He got more work. So it kind of saved him.

It was at the tail end of it all. But he was like, put the guy's name on there. He wrote the fucking movie. Ace and the whole great fucking, highly recommend to both you guys. Facing the Crowd was one of those where, yeah, it just shows how far charm takes you, man. Yeah.

And charm is bullshit. Charm's a lie. I know. When you meet someone and they're like, he's very charming. Is he a good person? Right, right. And it's so relevant because we've seen this with social media people go viral They go crazy. They're all over the place, and then you got to see their show and it's dicks See them live god. He killed him and he was like out of 11 the whole movie screaming laughing. Yeah, he's funny It's like almost like got some Joker in it too. Yes

laughing. Yeah, he's funny. It's like almost like got some Joker in it too. Yes, really, really good. Ely I went on the Ely a Gazan wormhole after that. I was just like Googling readings from Turkey. Crazy stuff came on a donkey with a sack on it. I came on. I came on the sack on it. You've been to Juarez. Guys, guys who were fighting over a cum joke.

Dude, yeah, that was like the age in Hollywood where all these great directors, they just came to America. There was a quote in the Orson Welles book about, I think it was Fritz Lang who made so many great movies. But I think it was, I was pretty sure, look it up for sure, I think it's Fritz Lang, Orson Welles Fritz Lang, but he said to Gerbils, Gerbils like you should be like, you know, our kind of, not, you know.

Minister of propaganda? You should be our, yeah, you should make our movies basically, and he was like, but I'm Jewish. And he goes, I decide who's Jewish. Whoa! And Fritz Lang goes, it was that point that I realized I should leave Germany came to America Wow?

Made the big heat which is like a top five noir for me ever that's a fucking banger Have you never seen that one I decide who's Jewish I decide who is a Jew Wow? It's kind of like make or break like with cancel stuff like I decide if you'll be alright You know I've seen you see I'm trying to think of a good example of like Chris Brown who, you know, what I think did worse than Louis, but somehow he's allowed to be okay. Right. So like we do kind of still do that. We pick who should be in trouble.

Well, there's like, you know, Diddy, what he did is so fucking- Yeah. It's so funny that I saw, what's his name, Mayor Adams was like, we're gonna take away his key to the city. I'm like, ooh, hit him where it hurts. No more fake key. That's gotta hurt.

So I heard a theory about the tape that was leaked. The video and the video. The video of him beating up his wife, Cassie. The theory is, well, he actually paid for that tape. He went to security and said, $50,000, I want that tape. And they did it. So it's been, since 2016, was that like eight years no one's seen this.

The statute ran out, is that why? No, that's what I thought. But they said, there's only one copy of this tape and Diddy has it. But the feds raided his homes and got all of his shit. And so people are saying, oh, well, they really don't have anything on the sex trafficking stuff, but let's dirty him up a little bit and release this tape. Oh, interesting.

Well, it's nice to have something concrete because we all keep hearing like, Bieber this, Meek Mill that, and he goes to an island. It's all up in the air. And then you get the tape and you're like we got some well And that's why they would release that to say oh look we weren't so wrong about this guy is bad there you go and It's weird how it happens though like who so they paid 50 grand who do they pay just some guy with a security footage Yeah, probably security Is it one person is it though? It's definitely not the hotel chain. They wouldn't be that stupid. Right.

I think it was the Intercontinental in LA. Oh, ooh. They wouldn't be, I know that was my first thought. I'm like, I'll never stay at this hotel. And I was like, I kinda like the Intercontinental. It's pretty nice. It's a very nice place. They got a, the one in Chicago's got that Olympic pool.

Ha ha, did you see that towel he had? That was a fluffy towel. That's a nice towel. That really stayed on, didn't it? It really did. You know what, I'll tell you this. A fluffy towel. Not just, is that a wreck wreck but a fucking thin towel is such a piece! I said towel, towel, you know what I meant.

I used to live with a guy named Powley. Oh yeah, Jonathan Powley. But a towel-y. South Park. The thin towel, there's nothing worse. Cause you get out of the shower, especially in the winter when it's kind of cold and you just have a thin, it's nothing. Yeah? You get nothing.

Yeah. Yeah, he almost made it to the elevator with that lady. That would have been a little Ray Rice. We've sampled before. That's another hit. Maybe this is the angle. You want a towel to be like the opposite of a condom. The thicker.

I like it. I like it. Nothing. That's something. No, no, no, no. I'm terrible. We love you. We still love you. Man, he killed that. But yeah. The Ray Rice one. Woo wild. That was pretty. Is this one worse though? I mean he drags her back to the room. It's so fucking bad. So bad. And he did a towel. And you see the later footage where he throws a vase at her Who if I didn't see that oh the vase is bad It's a glass vase and he just he's sitting down he throws it at her vase in the crowd face Pull up the vase

But yeah, that was a wild video But it's nice to have something concrete enough with the rumors yeah Have you seen this kind of like oj with the t-shirts they got him on the merch not the not the murder they interviewed cameron Oh, I saw that CNN. Yeah, he did what? Mark and I do on types of shows You didn't see this he just go to the end of it the end of its words really funny when he just starts fucking with The end of it's where it's really funny when he just starts fucking with her. Okay.

This is a world's colliding right here. CNN and Cameron. Cameron's, he always trolls. He went on O'Reilly and fucked with O'Reilly. Oh, really? Cameron's really funny. Really? He's really funny.

Do I know, what's a hit? What's a Cameron hit? Oh, welcome to New York City. Oh, yeah. Welcome to New York City. Oh, you've heard. Okay. Boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, that's him? Cameron's fucking awesome. Wow to New York City. Oh you've heard. Boy. Oh boy. Oh that's him? Hey mom's fucking awesome. Wow that's big. Hey mom. And he came on my sports show back in the day on MSG. He was a great guest.

Really? He was, thank god he didn't do this shit to me because what are you gonna do? Yeah. He's so knowledgeable about basketball and he was so fucking cool. He was just like, he played along when I got a joke and he'd make jokes. He was he was killer Wow I loved it, but he did not he did not play this shit

Any of that traffic and I'll go deeper go further along So she asked when he plugs when he plugs his uh his always booty juice or whatever Yeah, juice. That's the best part. Okay. I was just, this line I really liked. She was like, do you recognize that puff daddy? When you saw that you saw in the video, it was like, I mean, I saw him, it's him. I recognized him.

I was like, no, it's not what I meant. He's a funny guy. I know myself, what you mean do I be recognized? Do I recognize him? I seen him. What you mean my experiences? What you see in the sunglasses is a bucket hat. As an interviewer, you gotta know you're in trouble. Yeah, this guy's phone in this end totally She's a very attractive lady

This is like he's talking to the cops being interviewed by the cops about it. Oh, he's giving nothing He's not snitching at all. We played a clip of camera on getting shot on here once we did is that true? Yeah, yeah, he got shot and he was talking shit like he wouldn't give the guy his car Oh, and he got shot and he was like still talking shit when it was pretty damn. Wow, it's like Teddy Roosevelt Here's an exam talking about He have to do with this just the musician is that it he knows puff, okay, both are hard guys He's drinking what no thing known in the industry about how did he treated his artists? He got the plug in I'm gonna get some cheeks after this horsepower joint

He said he's gonna get cheeks it's pretty. Look that's great as guys who have disrupted Serious programs. Yeah mark and myself. He's crushing this crushing it I mean to say cheeks cuz it's like you kind of can't censor that you can't get mad But it's like he's talking about fucking sure well this this begs the question next time we do the morning stuff We got to bring the bottle of bodega Drink on live TV. Yeah, just hit the bottle. There's something else at the end, isn't there? Oh yeah.

Yeah, the part where she ends the interview is always, that's the moment where you know you got it. Yeah. So many people have pointed out that Diddy couldn't get away with this stuff if there weren't a lot of people protecting him. Do you think that's the case? Who the talent agent for this joint? Like, they gotta be sitting around watching what Diddy do and all this.

I didn't know this was a Diddy joint that I was invited to. Yeah, who booked me for this joint? Ah! All right. I'll be sitting around watching Diddy and all that. Yeah, come on, man. Thanks for joining us.

Thank you for your time tonight. Yeah, thank you for having time tonight. Thank you. Thank you for having me Light at the end I love I love this Cameron Cameron Stop it Cameron. Oh, that's great Yeah, this is great. I mean he's never saw that didn't pull up Pull the camera on getting shot. Yeah, please he dude. He's fucking great, and he's like a new york. He's a good basketball player, too New York guy yeah, new york harlem guy. I played ball good enough to play college for sure

Wow but uh Yeah, camera on come on the pod please we'd love to have you this pods huge. Oh real We'll drink drink the dick juice and get some cheeks. I'd love it. Hell yeah, I wanna try this dick juice. Maybe it's not on there, who knows.

All right. I'll try it too. They say the dick pill stuff is so bad for your heart. Yes. And then it's like who's taking it? A lot of it's like people who are older or overweight. Yes, and when you're fucking, the heart rate goes up. So now you got the heart pill with the heart rate

and you're not fit. Look at Keith, he had a stroke. He blames dick pills. He really doesn't. You're the most depressing lawsuit ever. You have to cane your way into the courtroom. Remember he said he was on a flight and when he was about to land, he popped a Viagra.

It's a great bet. So he could go right to... Such a good bet. His special comes out in... June 11th. June 11th, nice. You know, we gotta get him to pop back in. Yeah, is this the Cameron clip you're talking about?

Yeah, give it one sec. But there's something about the dick pills too where you're like, I forgot what I was gonna say, yeah just play the clip. Oh, Rebecca the Heart. I told you to get off the car and I looked at him like he was stupid, pulled off, and then he started shooting. As Cameron drove off in his Lamborghini sports car down this Washington, D.C. street, he was shot twice in the arms.

Oh my God. He was treated and released from Howard University Hospital, and tonight, after landing back here in Teterboro, he showed us the bullet hole still clearly visible in his left arm. But he says he is okay. And me, I'm fine. I'm excellent, man. It was great.

He's fine, man. But how about at that moment? Leave it going. The end is the best part. He has to face the hijacker at this DC intersection. I felt disrespected because nobody's going to take a quarter million dollar car from me let alone a five cent piece of chewing gum. Cameron, whose full name is Cameron Goss, is a rapper and can't give him the gum. He likes to be called a businessman from Harlem. He claims the previous violence in the hip hop world has nothing to do with this attack. It's not because of music or anything else, but you gotta realize me and my boys, we go

hard. We got a million dollars worth of jewelry on, we got a quarter million dollars worth of cars, we candy paint everything, we like to live a luxurious life, and you got people who don't want to see that. Yeah, you hear that Drake? You're soft. We're at the very end here. From this guy?

Yeah. Let's see what he has to say about Cam Ron. Cameron says the Kijacker definitely was after him, but he said proudly tonight he got nothing. Jim Gatley, UPN9 News. How do you stop a guy from stealing your car when he shoots you twice? You just don't get out? I mean, what do you do? I think he was shooting as he was driving off.

So it was like pop, pop, pop, don't, you know, stop your car. And he didn't stop. So he just pop, pop, just pop pop pop was his arm out of the car. I guess Glass who knows a glass windows luckily he wasn't killed that I know she's twice in the arm Yeah, I like how they have to say the Lamborghini sports car we got it in sports car But hey good for care. I'm a new fan. He's awesome I didn't know anything about the guy what we on the road this weekend I Was oh boy Detroit two shows and Royal Oak. That's a good one great. Although it's a music hall, which I didn't love

Yeah, I think I did that one. It's a lit the bars in the room. It's a big We we sold out two of them, but it was like it was work Yeah, you had to hammer them and then I did Fort Wayne the next day, which was amazing. Yeah, so you never know That's cool. Well, we had great times. I did Fort Wayne once I didn't do a theater there. They're clubbed a while back Oh, I know that Club Summit. Yeah, that's a tough room tough room Well, the first of all, there's a couple seats that can't even see the stage and then there's two pillars in the middle And then so you got pillars in the middle. And then so you got this shit going on.

And I got heckled for about an hour there. I was actually talking to Steve, the door guy at the Comedy Cellar last night. And he was telling me his story. I guess a friend of ours played a huge venue in New York City and he invited Steve to the show. Outside Steve? Yeah. Oh, nice.

And he invites him. If you know Steve, if you watch the show, Louis, Steve's the guy that nice. And he invites him, if you know Steve, if you watch the show Louis, Steve's the guy that Louis shakes hands with as he's walking into the club in the intro of the show. And he said he gave him comp tickets, like horrible blocked seats. Like he said, come see my show at this huge thing.

And they gave him the worst seats. Like he's like, I couldn't even, he's like, I want a gun. Wow. It made me think like when I give comps to friends, I don't know where the fuck they're sitting. I assume they're getting good seats. I always like, I couldn't even, he's like, I want a gun. Oh. Wow. It made me think, like when I give comps to friends, I don't know where the fuck they're sitting. I assume they're getting good seats. I always say like, make sure they're getting good seats, but we don't know.

Yeah, that's true. I've been giving seats away like crazy. I gotta cool it. Really? I get one DM like, I can't afford your show. And I go, here you go. I feel horrible. No, I know what you mean.

Yeah. I got some peeves if- Please. If you're ready. I love a peeve. Ive loaded for bear or whatever that means Give that a go. Okay from is that for shooting a bear? I think so. Okay. Did you hear this tik-tok thing? The women are saying yeah, this is I'm sorry to cut you off. What is it? We've actually talked about it I think so a woman lost in the forest. Oh

I love this. This is great. Would you rather? Come across. yeah a bear donkey Bear or a man you just say a man could be any man. Yeah, it's a vague question man 99% of women said the bear 99 crazy to me and I've gone I've gone hiking with women like your sense of direction is not as good as you think you might need a man there. Also I would love to repose that question and make it a little more specific and see what the answer would be. Would you rather run into a bear or a Puerto Rican man? And they'd go, bear, don't stab me. That's a good point. I'm telling you, you throw black on there, Puerto Rican, Mexican, they're gonna go, it's all about optics.

They're gonna go bear every time. I saw a graffiti in my neighborhood, Hell's Kitchen, it said, if I were attacked by a bear, they wouldn't ask me what I was wearing. Wow. Might ask what you're holding. Yeah. They might slash your throat before you could holding. Yeah. A hot dog. They might slash your throat before you could speak. What kind of bear are we talking? That's the thing too, there could be a black bear, but it could be...

But then also, what if you said like Harvey Weinstein or a bear? You're choosing Harvey Weinstein. If you have any athletic ability, you can get away from Harvey Weinstein. That's a great point. Great point. Also, a guy could have a phone, he could have a cabin, he could have a car, he could have a, you know, like this guy could be so helpful. I think they're trying to show us our privilege because if they said a guy to us we'd be like, obviously we're choosing a guy over a fucking bear, but also so would

you, come on. Of course, of course. It's silly. But they got to go with it, you know, it's for the camera. For the, yeah, so I'm sorry, what was your peeve? I didn't mean to cut... Oh no, but that's a good nugget there. Let's ask Rachel when she comes in. Yeah. All right. By the way, never mind.

I can go all day about the bear thing. But peeve, I got a couple. Should I save some for the guests? Go hard. All right. How about this one? You know, you take people out on the road, you take them out to dinner, headliner pays, pretty standard. I don't care for these young guns ordering a bunch of apps and then not eating them.

Oh, of course. You order those apps on my dime, you're eating every goddamn one of them. It's hilarious because he's nodding. Are you an app guy? You're an app guy? Yeah. Fine, I'm an app guy as well. I love ordering apps for the table,

but once they know you're paying, I've been with some people who get a little carried away. Yes. And I'm like, hey, this place ain't cheap, motherfucker. You picked it, Gary Veeder. Oh, I want a little bite of this. I want a little bite of that. No, no, no, no little bite.

No taste sample, flight of beers. No, no, no little bite, no taste sample, flight of beers. No, no, you eat all those nachos. Gary will send me restaurants, we'll be in like a fucking, not expensive, we'll be in like Allentown, Pennsylvania and I'll be like, $59 entrees? You better give me that butthole when we're done with this dinner, motherfucker.

Assume the position, you twink. This happens, I mean, I gave James Webb, our buddy, a lot of shit for this, because we were on the road once and like A nice Mexican place. He's like order me two burritos. I'm like they're fucking this big what you're not gonna eat too And he's like all right. I agree. You think I won't gee but it was like they were getting carried away with the meals and I'm an app guy too. I'm down for the sure I think let's party. I think it's like something about the Family style of being out with your boys. It is kind of fun, you're all sharing.

Totally. Like Chinese food with your buddies, you know? Yeah, it's great, family style, a little kung pao, a little poo poo, but I don't like this idea that they're out with the king, so we must dine and feast on the meatballs, the chicken wings, the nachos, the pot stickers, the dumplings. By the way, doesn't sound like he was at the fanciest place.

Did he complain about extra wings, you motherfucker? It was chili's. No, but I know what you mean though, cause like, I feel like we were pretty cautious about it when we were out. Yeah, of course. I would never order an app if I was with a headliner. Unless they brought it up.

Nah, I mean, I don't give a, brought it up. Nah, I don't give a... If it's my crew, I don't give a shit. But also, I know what you mean when more and more people start coming out. Yes, yes, they bring a friend, then you got the sound guy, the video guy, the telecus. It adds up. That's how athletes go broke. Exactly, the entourages. You hear that, Cameron?

So yeah, I'm okay with ordering it as long as you eat it. I don't like just the idea of this willy nilly like, give us all everything, here we are, we're out to dine. I know what you mean. Like, we're Louis the 14th or something. So I got a little dating advice from my dad, very little advice in general, but a little dating advice, and one of them was,

wear a Hawaiian shirt. Never wear. So his advice was, if you're on a date with a girl, you just look at the menu and you look at the waiter and say, I'll order the wheel. That means every appetizer. The wheel? Yeah.

And that usually impresses a girl. Okay, or it's Gaco. Or Gary Veeder. I'll have the wheel. He's like, oh, dearie me. So you have everything? Every appetizer. Why is it called the wheel wheel I'll just take everything I don't know It's what my dad said we'll probably something from the 50s. I don't know. Okay

Your dad's dating advice goes exactly against what mark is annoyed by well, he's talking about openers. I'm talking about openers. Ah There you go. Yeah, if you're trying to get laid get the wheel of yeah, or you don't eat that, if you're trying to get laid, get the Wheel of Fortune or whatever. You don't want to eat that much if you're trying to get laid. You don't want to be too full. It's a flex though, as the kids say. Hey, look at this lady, I can take care of you, I can provide. Every meal, every food is on the table.

Yeah, yeah I guess so. Do you guys ever get dating advice from your fathers? Hmm, wrap it up. I got a lot of that. Put out. Yeah, watch out. Give it up, yeah. Pull out. Pull out.

Don't hit her. That was from my biological father. He's like, make sure you pull out. It's a bad, don't. Let me see if I got, I wrote some peeves. I always write down some peeves. Oh yeah, I got more too. Oh, I got, I got a,

I don't know which ones I should save. Cause I, you write down so many. And the thing is with jokes and peeves, I forget which ones I'm write down. Yeah, I got more too. Oh, I got I got a all right I don't know which ones I should save cuz I write down so many and the thing is with jokes and peeves I forget which ones I'm repeating sometimes so you guys hopefully can help And we have a guy coming up in a few episodes who is I want to throw some peeves at cuz he gets all worked Up who sell Quinn Quinn. Oh, yeah Well this that's gonna come out before this one. Okay. Well, I'll say we're backlogging because we're both going out on the road Okay Okay, I gotta peeve people who act they want to act busy, but they're not doing shit

Hmm, sometimes these people we work with they'll be like they'll be like, all right, let's hop on a call We're like, nope. All the things I need are written in text and an email to you. They're like, all right 2 p.m We'll all discuss this. I'm like, there's nothing to discuss. Oh, I hate to discuss. We're doing the, we got the stuff. We got it. I hate a call that we don't need to do a call. Mark and I, it's funny whenever we're like working on stuff,

Mark and I just want to avoid any long- Any contact. Yeah, I get stressed out by a long text. Oh, same, I don't read them. I just go, ah, I throw my phone. I hate a long text, but what were we doing? Something with a movie, I think it was. I don't know if it was a movie or like whiskey. I don't read them. I just go, ah, and I throw my phone. I hate a long text but what were we doing? Something with the movie I think it was? I don't know if it was movie or like whiskey. I don't even know. Yeah, but you guys, the text came in, you guys have time to hop on a call and then I

got a side text from you going, do we need a call about everything? And I was like, I know, I was thinking the exact same thing. I want to just text sometimes. Well, the thing about the call is it's so much more than a call. It's like, you gotta be alone. You gotta be in a quiet area. You gotta be kind of stationary to have a call. And then the call turns into a Zoom. Ah!

Not just audio, now we wanna look at you. Call. Sooner or later, you're gonna be spooning me. That's fucking ridiculous. The call is a gateway to the anal. Yes, that's where it's gonna go. The Zoom is always. Hate the Zoom. We had one for the key art on it's gonna go. The zoom is always. Hate the zoom.

We had one for the key art on my special. Like can we hop on a call? Key art. I'm like, I gotta do a call about the key art? I told you what I want. What do you mean? Be ditty. No more key art.

We're taking that too. The key and the key art. What is key art? Is that just the main photo? Yeah, it's just the one they use that you click on. Oh, I see. So you want it to look cool. And I thought actually they killed it.

They did a great job. I love what they did. But I was like, we could have gotten this. Of course. Just give it a thumbs up on the photo, on the text. But I think what happens is they're probably paying like an ad company to do it for them. And the more rounds probably cost them more. So that's probably why they want to hop on a call.

But I'm like, I'm pretty simple. Simple text. Yeah, and I will say there's the other side of this where I avoided everything like a friend of ours He shot a special and he you know, it's hard to watch a special. You got to edit it It's brutal and he's like just just edit it I can't even watch it and then it came out and he watched it He's like this is all wrong, but it was already out. Who was it? I don't want to say All right, you can bleep that bleep that but he was like like I hate the way it came out. I hate the way it looks I hate

This the pacing this and that and he was like I should have watched so it can fuck you but obviously there's There's limits on the flip side of that some guys are spending 90 hours I've heard editing one hour of special. They sit in a room for 90 hours with the editor. That's overkill as well. It's tough to look at yourself.

It's really frustrating. It loses all tumor. Well, not only that, yeah, you start to hate, and by the way, you probably hate the jokes a few minutes, a few months before you tape. Totally. So then when you're re-watching, at least you remove from it a little at that point,

but then you kind of start to, you're like, all right, these are kind of fun. Now that I'm like removed from it, I don't hate them as much. I haven't told them in a while, so I don't hate them as much. But then you start watching again, then you start to fucking hate them again. And yeah, I mean, I have such a peeve

when I'm rewatching it and the same mistake. You have to keep it the same. I go nuts, but. Maybe that's good, like your kids turn 18, you start to hate them to push them out. Yeah. That's just the natural progression of pushing your jokes out.

Like you're out in the world now and I don't wanna see you anymore. I'll never see you again. Yeah. This is it. In 80s comics, their kids never left. They did those jokes forever. Those kids are staying in the basement for. Well, you never see them again

except for when you're in a jam When you're in a bad situation you're like like kids. I need you. Yeah, it's like a corporate game I'm at a bad one corporate game like let me pull up my kid Desperate that's your jam do that the seller last night was fucking pop rockin dude So I'm gonna show the lineup was it was Chrissy D. Louis CK Shane. I'm on it was fun Every everyone on there was murdering it was so fun. Wow. You were on a show with Michelle Wolf pops in.

Wolf, Shane, Kumail was on one of them. Kumail, Nonjiani. These are all headlines. These are all like theater or arena comics. Yeah. Yeah. I mean Kumail was pretty dangerous. Hey!

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Download Game Time today. Last minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed! What's up buddy? Coast to coast! That's your bike. Amazing. I almost wore that shirt, what a coincidence. This is crazy. Yeah. Oh, thanks, you brought your own brew, huh? Yeah, oh, Mountain Dew. No, I, are you drinking Mountain Dew? No, that's just to wash the other stuff down.

What? Yeah. Is it a chaser? Oh yeah, you've never heard this saying Yahoo Mountain Dew? No, no. Oh yeah, it's a hillbilly drink. Oh, yeah, you've never heard this saying Yahoo Mountain Dew. No, no. Oh, yeah I heard the hillbilly drink. Oh, okay. I used to say Yahoo Mountain Dew and then they'd shoot their cousin Yeah, it was kind of a weird early one of the early slogans of advertising interest. Yahoo Mountain Dew and then See

I don't know Mountain Dew was a redneck drink. Oh yeah. Totally. Joe List drinks it. I thought it was white trash. I didn't know it was full on hillbilly. It's neither. It's delicious.

Should we, we got IPAs for you. Should we get one? Yeah, what, did you get my favorite one? We couldn't find them. Yeah, what's this one? We got the brand though. Yeah, that's the one. Sci-fi hamster wheel?

Yeah, that's it. That's my drink That's like one of your albums. It is oh my god Oh, thank you Jimmy Hendrix partied to a can of this at Woodstock. Oh How old are you? You know when you puke you gotta go sideways Yeah, is that real theuking, choking with Jimmy? Jimmy, yeah, that's what I heard. I don't know.

This is fucking good. Isn't it great? Yeah. That's the best. Ooh, that's rich. Yeah, it's good on a raft. You guys ever float on a raft in a lake? I've done it in a river.

Yeah, so you know. Oh yeah. How do you think I got this for fear? Cheers for fears, brocephiam. Cheers. Yeah, we used to, a tube, down the bogachitta in Louisiana. No way you have a Philippine tube? Wow my guy. Long story they're tied now. Are they? Yeah yeah no more. To what? Uh a pole in the backyard. Wow. Tetherball with ball in it. Lord, love a leprechaun.

We talk about something about Marion Dumb and Dumber. Oh yeah. An unhealthy amount probably. No. We love them both. It's crazy that you're in both of two of the greatest comedies of all time. Oh, thanks. Yeah.

That career was thriving. Yeah, it was rocking and rolling. It was an honor to be in them, man. It was a pleasure, yeah. How are those Fairley brothers? Are they cool guys? Oh yeah, I think they're some of the nicest guys I've ever worked with.

Really? Yup, you'd go on their set and they'd make the guy, the handyman who was working on the trailers, treat them the same as they'd treat the A-list stars. Like just total respect for just people, humans in general, you know? And it was just really, it was such a nice kind of tone they set, you know?

And just told me everything I needed to know about them. So, right, yeah. Did you audition for the Dumb and Dumber thing or did they tap you or what happened? Yes and no. I went in. I had never acted. I'd never been in a movie. And Jim Carrey asked them to see me. Asked them to see me. And so I went in. Wow. Fellow Canuck. Yeah. Yeah. And I went into their office

and the movie was called Dumb and Dumber and I sat down on a couch and they were sitting there and they're like, hey, how you doing, Harlan? And I'm like, great, how are you? And they're like, okay, are you ready to bring the script? And I went, what script? Like I didn't know about auditioning for a movie. And they just looked at each other and they just looked

and they went, this is our guy. Like Peter said, this is our guy. I was actually in the running for the co-lead at one point. Oh yeah, cause they thought I was that dumb. And yeah, so I went through the auditioning process and I read with Jim several times and then I remember on the last day it was me and Jeff sitting in the lobby

in the auditioning room waiting to go in. I'd never acted, I'm looking over at, there's this guy who's been nominated for Oscars and stuff and I just went, I don't even know what I'm doing here. And I went to Jeff, but the guys, they were so cool. They said, hey, do you want to do this other part, the cop? And I was like, you don't owe me anything. I'd be honored. So that's, they just offered me the cop part. Yeah. Oh, man. That was really cool. Yeah. That's awesome. Because what? A funny movie? Funny guy?

It feels like directors don't do that anymore. They're like, we need a name. We need a... Yeah. ...Michelle Amu. And you're like, no, get the funny guy for the funny part. Yeah, you'll go to a comedy now and it'll... Excuse me, it'll be a rapper or a wrestler or...

Get a comedian for the funny role. Put the rapper and the wrestling guy in the wrestling and rapper role. Exactly. Come on. Yeah, well, if you're trans, you gotta play a trans part. Maybe a funny guy should play a funny part. Right?

See? You're onto something. Uh-huh. There you go. I think that's why the roast of Tom Brady did so well. It was a bunch of comedians. It was like working comedians, like Kevin Hart, Nora, Nikki. Yeah, but it was also going against you, too.

They got a bunch of football players, too. Well, that's true because it's it's a football roast But I think when you book, you know, sometimes they'll book like Seth Rogen and you're like, hey, he's a funny actor But he doesn't know how to zing Yeah, okay. Okay. Yeah, I think he did stand up for a while though. Oh, you're right. I think early on he did stand up But will Farrell? Oh, he's the funniest. Will can do anything. You're making some dangerous enemies here.

What the hell are you doing? I'm saying they're funny, but he's not a stand up. No, Will's done a little bit of that, but Will's the funniest. He can do anything, anytime, anywhere. I've worked with Will. I've been friends with Will. He's like, he's, yeah, Will's in the upper echelons in my book.

No question. Oh yeah. I agree, I'm a fan. Yeah, he's a killer, man. Look at any appearance he's done, he just adjusts to the comedy moment and he destroys it. Even on the roast, you know, the Tom Brady roast, he annihilated it, you know? Oh, he was on that too, wasn't he?

Yeah, he annihilated it. I take it all back. Well, we tried to get him, but he said no, so. Oh, Lord, Lord, love a lemon meringue pie bush. But yeah, well, just saying, like Greg Kinnear famously said, I tried standup, I couldn't do it, so I went into acting, and he won an Oscar.

Wow. So there you go. Anyway, he was nominated, I don't think he do it so I went acting and he won an Oscar Wow Anyway, was nominated. I don't think he won. Did he I thought he won for something Good as it gets Jinx do me coke. What is it? Huh? Coke buy you a coke. You never heard of that might be an American thing. What about a Mountain Dew? You could you have any cousins you want dead? Sure. Yeah, Dad? Sure. Yahoo. Mountain Dew. I don't want one of those girls to talk.

Whoa. You're getting cousins. Power drop. 10 minutes in and he drops a power slam. What, did he win? It looks like best supporting, best actress, and best actor, and best picture, is that possible? Best picture, wow.

The whole movie, yeah,. Yeah, Helen hunt one I did say huh and Nicholson and Nicholson when I don't think I think was not Cuba Gooding jr. Was in it Yeah, he was the gay guy. Yeah, yeah, that's a fun fucking movie great movie. It's like a good holiday It's a go feel good. Yeah, we watch how about a Helen hunt in the rain Yeah, yeah, I mean what Wet t-shirt at the end. Pull it up. You know what? I don't find her sexy though. So I'm gonna pad. Let's not pull it up. How about that? Can we not pull it up?

I would like to see the nipples. Look away. Alright. What do I can't Tommy Lee Jones? I don't want to see. How did we say nipples and you say Tommy Lee Jones? Pull up his nipples, dude He won for best supporting actor that year for what the fugitive?

Kinnear Tommy Please that's not the same year is as good as it gets. That's okay. Hold on for I was thinking of Tommy Lee Anderson the drummer I was thinking of Tommy Lee Anderson, the drummer. Who's that guy? He took her name? Wait, was he in the movie? No. Tommy Lee Jones?

He was in a porn. Isn't he the drummer for Iron Maiden or something? No. Motley Crue. Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee. Oh, it's just Tommy Lee. There's no Jones.

He's Anderson. He's Tommy Lee Anderson, okay. There you go. Hey, there's old Jack. We're all out of crazy. Wait a minute, is that the scene? I guess that's it. Wet t-shirt Helen Hunt, is that what you asked for?

Gross. Look at this. Her mouth is crooked. All right, well. Yeah, we got it. As a 14 year old, that was exciting. That was pretty cool. That's as good as it gets.

Hey! Do you wanna hear my crazy Jack Nicholson story? Yes! I'd love to. So I was at the, I was a buddy of mine invited me to the Lakers game. This was probably, I don't know, 15 years ago. Oh, are you a B-ball fan? No, I don't like basketball.

Cause I grew up playing hockey. I'm Canadian So we didn't even have a team when I was growing up the Raptors came like way after I left sure But we were at the game and we were we had really good seats and we're sitting across From Nicholson, uh-huh and my buddy got good VIP seats and at the hat is at the halftime at basketball Yep. That we went to a VIP area and Nicholson was there and there's like a little area with food and stuff and then there was a separate private bathroom. So I go over to the bathroom area and there's a little area where you can wait,

there's like two stalls and Jack was standing there and by himself eating a piece of Black Forest cake. You know the chocolate cake with the whipped cream and the cherries? Love it. Have you ever been to the black forest in Stuttgart in southern Germany? I go with the white forest. Father? So Jack's like scarfing down his black forest cake on a paper plate with a plastic spoon,

puts it down, goes into the, I go, you're next. He goes, yeah, I'm going in next. And he goes in, and while he was in there, I noticed he left his plate and his spoon, but there was still a bunch of gunk on the spoon. Like black forest, he didn't clean it off. Interesting. And I went, holy smokes, what's better

than an autograph but DNA? So I pocketed the spoon and I got one of those shadow boxes, you know the little boxes you can put things in like metals? So I kept the ticket stub and the spoon with the gunk in it and I've got it in my office, a shadow box with Jack Nicholson's DNA on it. Isn't that cool? Might look like a stool sample over time. No, it's still, I mean that, you know, whip cream,

it never fades. That's true. More chemicals than your sister's legs. Kinda cool and kinda serial killer-y at the same time. Yeah, right? But who's laughing when I make an army of Jack Nicholson's when the apocalypse happens? You got the stem cells.

Right, and then I'm surrounded by Jacks and anyone who wants to mess with me. You wanna fuck with him, you go through me. And I live, you guys get eaten alive by cannibals, whores, and sweet and sour Chinese recipe makers. Well, if you've got 20 Jacks in your house, you better get a lot of cocaine. Yeah, and a lot of chicks.

And a lot of porn stars. That guy fucked. Yeah. Oh yeah, huge dong chicks. Yeah a lot of porn. Yeah. Oh, yeah, huge dong apparently Yeah, who? Jack really how do you know? Porn star on Howard Stern talking about banging him no pull it up pull it out Yeah, I mean I was a little kid and I was rubbing one out so I was a little off You know a wonky, but off, you know a little wonky

But that's what she said Really wonky Well you're the one with the chocolate at the house So it's framed in your office? It's framed in a shadow box With the ticket and then I put the date and everything Yeah, so it's just it's still there like preserved like it just gunked it calcified right to the plastic. Wow. Yeah, so I've got his DNA ready to rock and roll. I love the guy on the phone. Yeah, we got a couple shadow

boxes here. What do you need it for? Well, I got some gunk off of Nicholson's tongue. Yeah, it's still in the concave like part of the spoon. You ran in the bathroom after him, you grabbed the urinal cake, you're like, I'm gonna put this in there. Whoa. Yeah, there's another shadow box with a log in it. Ah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Woo, don't ever watch him fuck, he'll take that condom. Whoa, power drop. Pfft. Wow. Jumping Jeremiah. You're a huge Nichols and Phantom guest. I mean, I'm not huge, but I like him.

I mean, he's one of those rare legendary actors, right? Like Clint Eastwood or, they're all dying off. Yeah, yeah. There's not many left, so. Cruz and Hanks, I think, left. Yeah, but they're even from a different era. Sure. Nicholson and Eastwood are kind of up there and then

Hanks and it's like Hackman and Hoffman they're all kind of yeah that's what I call you Hackman yeah that's right that's what I call you Pac-Man cuz you eat my sister's face every night. I eat a fruit every now and then. What the fuck's happening? Uh, it's good to see you again. Oh my god. Yeah, boy the 90s, you had a real run of movies. You had a ton of movies, dude. Yeah, I can't complain, man. I enjoyed it, yeah.

I've been to this guy's house. Unbelievable house. I mean, it's beautiful. I don't want to get into it and get your address away, but you earned it, and it's beautiful. I don't want to get into it and get your address away, but you earned it and these movies really went to a good- Oh, Half Big too. Oh yeah, Half Big.

Yeah, there it is. Was that a fun one to make? Yeah, that one was interesting because I didn't want to do it because it was a drug movie. You don't like drugs? I'm not huge into that and so I think it was more about I didn't want to be an influence on kids to do drugs. Interesting. And so I turned the movie down about five or six times. Wow.

Yeah, I said no to it. And then the producer, Bob Simons from Universal, said, let me take you to lunch one last time. And I said, OK. So we went to a place like right down the street from my place, I met with him and he just said, what can we do to get you to do this one? Wow!

And I just said, I said, Bob, I'll tell you what, you let me improvise every line. I'll give you the lines off the script. I'm not gonna be a prima donna or an eeg. I'll give you what's on the script, but let me do a take where I can improvise Every every time I want to yeah, and he just went done. I said let's do it We I bought this for 38,000 movies never got one you're getting begged to be in movies

Well this one I was that this scene in particular Let's see. There's a great story for this one involving the improv. It went on to be kind of an iconic line. I'm sitting in prison and Cheech from Cheech and Chong pulls me up and says, Yeah, he goes, this is my bitch. And that was the end of the scene. And all those guys, there was about 70 guys.

They were all extras. And when he goes, this is my bitch, I took a beat in my head. I went, this guy would be proud of that. And I just went, I'm somebody's bitch. Ah! And the whole, all the prison, they just erupted. It was like a huge, if you did a killer joke at a club,

just exploded. And we had to redo the tape, and the director had to say, okay, nobody laughed, it's this moment right here. So we re-shot it. You know, Masty Nate, it's my bitch. Masty Nate. But if you're gonna stab him, it's gonna be me. You got a problem with that?

Ah! Better watch your back, fish, because Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time I'm gonna want some cocktail Take it I'm somebody's bitch It's just the plug that the guy they just went nuts and I thought that one's gonna hit. That one's gonna be good. That's killer.

See, funny guy do funny movie. It's very simple. These Hollywood cunts, they ruin everything. That is funny that you, it's a drug movie, but your character the entire movie is just trying not to get raped. That's your entire part. Yeah. Well, he was also a very sort of gentle soul. He wasn't your typical like druggy

I felt like he was more like just a peaceful guy and his buddies were druggy's and he just went along with it sort of Right, right. But um, can we pull up my favorite line in the whole movie with you with the horse? Oh Maybe the one of the funniest lines of movie. I I've rewatched this eight zillion times. We used to rent this movie, and we would just keep rewatching it. Yeah, me too. Me too. It was a big laugh. Now, this couldn't have been improvised.

If this is improvised, this woman, we got to get her on the podcast. I'm stuck in a horse here. See the trouble you're getting me into? Is this all Riff? Yeah, this is all Riff. me into? This is all riff? Yeah, this is all the barf. You're hungry, aren't ya? Here, oh, huh, you like popcorn. All the pink pop pop.

Makes your teeth go pop pop pop pop. Ha ha ha ha. You must have been so hungry. No, you missed the part we wanted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, with the girl. The back cop. The lady. The lady. White boy D. But that part was all improvised. The whole buttercup thing. It was just supposed to be buttercopped.

Oh here we go. Hey girl. You hungry? Fuck you nigga! I'm so stuck in the horse here! I'm so stuck in the horse here! I'm so stuck in the horse here! That went over so big! That went over so big! That went over so big!

She even had like a little hint of that Fuck you! That was awesome! Everything about it, the sound of her voice is perfect! Did she have to audition for that? I guess she did. She was probably a local girl. We shot that in Toronto.

I actually didn't like that moment, because she said, I don't like that word. Wow. Fuck you. But that black. Yeah. Yeah, I just, but people love it. People love the word.

And the interesting thing about that. That's not why we're laughing. No, I know, I know. But I'm just saying my reaction to it, I didn't like that because of that. It was sort of hard for me to hear. But the beautiful thing about that scene is if you pull it up, you look at the,

it's in front of a pizza joint. So that's the pizza joint me and my buddies hung out at in high school. Whoa. Yeah, and if you would have panned 20 feet to the right, you would have seen my best friend Steve Reeves from high school sitting in my director chair there. Yeah, we used to hang out there on Saturday night,

and here I was shooting a movie in front of it That's amazing. So cool. And then this whole buttercup scene It was just supposed to be buttercup and I purposely kept saying the name wrong to milk like buttercup butter nuts butter stuff Like and that turned out to be a real like popular scene I'm gonna get you some chips and some pink popcorn and some potions. This horse is a diabetic! Monica! Monica! Don't you leave me! Breathe Monica! Breathe!

Why?! Why?! I drew my t-shirt. Oh wow. You're under arrest. What? You dumb son of a bitch! No! I'm a peaceful man! I'm a school teacher!

Shut up! You cop killer! I love horses! I love horses! I love horses! I love horses! I love horses! I love horses! I love horses! I love horses! I love horses! I'm a peaceful man. I'm a school teacher. Shut up. You're a cop killer. Cop killer.

I love horses. I love horses. I love horses. I love buttered stuff. Buttered stuff. Dang it. Buttered that. No, no, no.

Stop it. Stop it. That was it, that was off the cuff? Yeah, that was off the cuff. That's killer. And to that actor's credit, he was a local Canadian kid. He was from an improv background. It wouldn't have worked if he didn't go with it.

So that's half him, half me. Like he had the intuition to just kept like going in it and it worked. And I'll tell you one other quick story. I don't want to drag it out. What have you got here? Well, this was one of the only movies they ever did where Young Street where we shot it is one of the busy

It's sort of like the Times Square of Toronto. Okay, and so it's one of the only movies I ever did We were out on a Saturday night on this busy street and they roped off the sidewalk on the other side and there was about 200 people Watching the scene and after we do it, people would clap. It's the only movie I've ever done where it felt like we were doing stand-up because there was like a live audience while we're filming live.

And it was just the wildest, it was such a cool experience. And that horse, they had a real horse, and then right when I pat his nose, they had a taxidermied horse, and it fell over. And then that T-shirt I drew with Sharpies. Every movie I do, I try to sneak it in. I draw my own t-shirt. It's underneath.

You can see it. Amazing. Yeah, but if you look at my movies, Rocket Man and a few others, that's kind of my sneaky Easter egg thing. I draw my own t-shirt. And it's also, I feel like you play a sweet dumb guy really well.

Yeah, not for sure. Yeah, everything else, I feel like you play like a sweet dumb guy really well. Yeah, not for sure. Yeah, everything else I feel like I play a real smart TV. I always said you should have been Good Will Hunting. Yeah. My opinion. I should have been, what's that other one with a Russell Crowe, My Special Mind or whatever. Beautiful Mind. Yeah.

My special mind, definitely. Yeah, there's the shirt I drew in Rocketman. Oh, there you go. Yeah. You should, do you go. Yeah. Do you sell those or hang them up? I do them still. Well, I don't want to give a plug,

but I have a website called harbling.com and I draw on t-shirts and sell the originals. Oh, that's great. Yeah, there it is. All right. Can we go to your scene and something about Mary? Because it's such a funny. Okay.

It's so funny. It's your show, whatever you want. We talk about this movie all the time. Wonder Woman. I might buy that one. That's such a funny scene. So good. But what, I mean, how did that,

they just hit you up again and they're like, come back for this guy? They just called me. They called me for, they called me for Kingpin. Wow! And they called me for- Who even Kingpin? Well, I didn't get to do it, but they called me to play the Am and they call me kingpin well I didn't get to do it but they called me to play the the Amish kid the Randy Quaid care I

was just sitting at home one day I'm Peter hello hey Ireland it's Peter oh and I go hey what's up Petey goes yeah we're doing this new movie want you to play the the Amish kid I could I said. But I got a sitcom at the time with me and Justin Bateman at a sitcom. And I couldn't do it. So he goes, well, he goes, they must have loved me. He goes, read through the script, pick any other part, and you can do it outside of Woody's and the girl.

And then I found the other smaller part that I wanted to do. And it was, I couldn't get out of the sitcom, but it turned out to be the part Bill Murray did. Where Bill Murray was the- Oh, Bernie McCracken. Yeah, so I- Great character. I missed out on that movie, but they've been great to me.

I love the Farrelly brothers, yeah. I mean, they made some of the best comedies ever. It's pretty- Easily, easily. Well, I don't want to piss them off but I say and I thank my lucky stars I think I was in there too best dumb and dumber and something about Mary in my opinion. I like them the most not not because I'm in them but I just feel like they're they're both classics. I would agree with that because Kingpin's amazing and so is uh me myself and Irene but these two

are really just like notes. And they're so quotable. I mean, the crazy thing about something about Mary is like, it's got so many fucking funny people. Yeah, yeah, that's great. Lee Evans, like, Oh, amazing, yeah. Everyone in that movie kills it, you know. Matt Dillon, how funny is that? Matt to me is the funniest guy in the whole movie.

Same. The first time I watched it, I was like, okay, sort of the straight guy, but the more I watch it, I just go, he's unbelievable. Like he's so funny. The stiller's sort of the straight guy. Right. Stiller's great, you couldn't do it without him, but.

Amazing. When they were editing the movie, the Fairleys had me come in and I got to sit in the editing room with them and they showed me, excuse me, a bunch of scenes that Matt Dillon did that didn't make the cut. Oh.

And I was like, guys, how can you not put those scenes in? Like they were hilarious. Was the one where he's squeezing her tits? It was more about when he meets her at the architectural. Excuse me. Oh, at the museum convention thing? Yeah, and just hilarious footage that never made it. Yeah, he goes, you ever been to Galapagos?

Twice last year. Whatever country. Santiago, Chile. That was it, that was it. No one's been to Santiago, Chile twice in a year. Yeah. He's directing the, or talking about the special needs guys and he's like, oh, Mongoloid.

You know, Mongo had a forehead like a drive-in movie theater. It's a shocking scene to see because they would never allow this now, but it's so funny I mean so fun We watched this on the tour bus last year and James just download one and one illegally So it was like it had all the extra clips in and I thought they picked the right scenes to cut I was like, oh shit this I don't remember this and it kind of it kind of missed but then meanwhile We did the same thing with Dumb and Dumber and every extra scene that was in there was fucking like a home run.

Yeah. That's why I think they're their two best because they just flow together as a comedic piece. Everything works and one scene services the next and the stories are the most cohesive. Whereas me, myself, and Irene had some amazing standout moments. I felt like the story kind the most cohesive. Whereas me, myself, and Irene had some amazing standout moments, I felt like the story kind of fell off.

But these work, they keep you engaged, regardless of the zaniness or the comedy. You're invested in them, in the story, you know? Yeah, I would say, is it Landis? Like Coming to America? Those movies in the 80s felt like real movies that were funny. Yeah, American Werewolf of London, John Landis. Yeah, what's the other one? Trading Places? Yeah.

That felt like a real movie, but it just happened to have a hilarious guy in it. Yes, exactly. Now comedies kind of just seem ridiculous out of the gate. You're right. It's like they lost that human quality. Yeah. Like you really buy that Ben Stiller, it's like they lost that human quality. Yeah. Like you really buy the Ben Stiller like, fuck I love this girl. Yeah.

And then immediately you love him because he protects the brother. Yeah. It's so well done. I have a new one coming out that hankers back to that, the stuff you're just talking about, where it's real world but zany comedy injected into it. Great.

I'm hoping it works, but yeah. Did you shoot it or what are you doing? We shot it, I actually wrote it and directed it into it. Great. I'm hoping it works, but yeah. Did you shoot it or what are you doing? We shot it, I actually wrote it and directed it. Whoa! Yeah, so it's called Wingman. It's about a professional wingman who helps loser guys get laid, but it's sort of in the real world,

but the wingman who I play also is sort of an over the top Austin Powers, Ace Ventura type character, and it gets back to the non-woke comedy. Yeah, there it is. Wow. Look at the guy. I even hate using the word woke,

but I feel like it's just safe is what the problem is. It's like, this isn't, Wingman's not. Mark and I wrote a movie script together and we're trying to make it and we're kind of figuring out how we're gonna do that. Be fearless. Don't settle. We're never, we're never.

You better not, it better off to not make it than to let them squish it hard. That's how we agree. And someone will find it. Someone will come through. There'll be a hole in the darkness. Just don't cave in, man. Because there's no point.

There's no point. If you're doing it for someone else's voice, then it's passionless. You gotta hang on to whatever you have. Every here and there you have to make little compromises, but don't let them tread on your overall tone and vibe of the movie. Agreed.

You see, We Might Be Drunk comes out starring Ryan Gosling and Paul Rudd. Yeah, we wanna make it. Well, that's why standup is doing so well, because no one can fuck with it. Standup is, we're booming right now. It's everybody's doing arenas and selling like specials I mean to make shows now you are literally losing money as a stand-up like on the road you make money to make so it's really Just something you love as we want to do it because we love comedies

Yeah, it's we probably will lose money on it or maybe but it'll be fun to do it'll be fun as hell to do and And that's why we got into this, to have fucking fun. And I think there's more of a window for people to find your more individualistic art than there used to be. It used to be you could only do movies through studios. And now there's so many more sort of media outlets right the internet and streaming and so just stand by your horses and do what

you want to do life's too short you know. There you go butter nuts. Yeah. But that guy that universal guy whatever his name was. Bob Simons. I don't think that guy is around in Hollywood anymore the guy like all right you gonna want to off the cuff the whole thing let's try that that that guy took around in Hollywood anymore. The guy like, oh, all right, you gonna wanna off the cuff the whole thing? Let's try that. That guy took a risk, he saw something in you, that's over, it's all play it safe, it's all Avengers, it's all what's gonna make money.

Yeah, from what I heard, Dave Chappelle was really fighting for me. He wanted me in the movie. Well, there you go. That's gotta feel pretty good. Yeah, so I was honored. I was, it was great to work with Dave and Jim and all of them, you know, it was really fun.

And other guy, so funny too. Guillermo, yeah. Oh, yeah. He was great, yeah, he was such a sweet, I loved that guy. You're cool, fuck you, but that was a famous line. Iconic. Iconic scene. Yeah, uh-huh.

Even Steven Wright was in that fucking line. Yeah. And Neil Brennan is the guy who throws the, isn't he the guy who throws the hot dog at? Yeah, Neil was the co-writer, he co-wrote the movie. That's right with Dave. Yeah, they were buddies damn What were like some of the worst movie experiences you had? um Worst you were cut out of Schindler's list

Yeah, but even though they cut me out it was my best movie Bummer worst Yeah, but even though they cut me out it was my best movie experience. Okay. Yeah, it happens. Bummer. Worst. I don't know, man. I gotta say it's such a privilege and an honor and a blessing to do a movie. I mean there's moments in movies, like I did a movie called Superstar with Molly Shannon

where- I remember you got your day of interest. Yeah. And I had to stand at three in the morning. It's me on my motorcycle pulling up to her house in the rain and they had a rain machine on me for four hours, you know, that's not fun. But you know, you just do these movies and they're a real gift, like they're so fun.

She's so funny. I love her. She's awesome. Underrated as a completely actor. Well that movie, God Bless Her, was her first big starring movie, and on day one she was so committed to, Mary Catherine Gallagher is such a physical character,

and so on day one she's just like going for it, and, excuse me, and her first scene on day one was with Tom Green oh wow and they're in a gym and he pushes her into some chairs and she like tumbles and and she went into them so hard on day one of her own movie she cracked like three of her ribs and she had to do the whole movie like in pain and she still like destroyed it you ribs. And she had to do the whole movie like in pain and she still like destroyed it, you know? Wow.

She's awesome. She was great. She should have been nominated for an Oscar for that movie where she had cancer. Do you know the movie I'm talking about? Oh. I think it's the one Chris Kelly from SNL wrote, but it's, she's dying of cancer.

That's the movie. And she's fucking incredible in it. Really? She's a great dramatic actor, dude. Why? making this up I'm gonna make a joke but I see that one sometimes people are so good at one thing that we don't accept them as another thing yeah you know Robin Williams pulled that off yeah I don't know I never even heard of it someone Some other people I think maybe. That sucks to be in a cancer movie and no one noticed Yeah

He's amazing in it dude Dude, you just said Tom Green you're in Freddy got fingered. That's right. Yeah Yeah, you're in the grossest and funniest scene where you get the nail through your knee and he starts licking it No, I break my my my my leg bone on his skateboard ramp. Oh yeah, that's right. And then he started licking it and he improvised that. I like how you won't do a drug movie, but go ahead and lick my open wound here. Lick my femur you Jeffrey Dalmar reject. How do you not just break out laughing when you have a compound fracture that Tom Green starts licking because what's his face? Why

This is why I didn't laugh this guy Is it ripped or yeah Is that Rip Torn? Yeah. Imagine throwing a skateboard at somebody. He improvised that, yeah. But let's just say I don't think Rip was super thrilled being there, and I think him and Tom were sorta, I think there was a bit of friction, and you can feel it, he was sort of intense, so I was just like, I'm just gonna do this,

like, cause he's kind of an intense guy, and he's an old pro, like he's a seasoned pro, and so I just sorta, I didn't dick around too much with that one, cause he was in a ripe mood. And he's a he's an old pro like he's a seasoned dude one of the pro and so I just sort of I Didn't dick around too much with that one. I just cuz he was he was in a right. He didn't love being in a movie The premises he fingered his son Season pro didn't love that. Yeah. Yeah, why would he agree was it? I don't know I think cuz Tom was so hot at the time. He was like Tom was the hot

I think cuz Tom was so hot at the time. He was like Tom was the hot Like you're on the cover rolling stone. He was the hot commodity So I think yeah anybody wanted to be around that heat, you know, yeah, so you ever like him you ever see this ripped torn Movie, I don't know if it's really came out, but it was with Norman Mailer. It's like cocaine early 70s and a sort of Cocaine mid early 70s and a sort of documentary. I have seen this half doctor not the therapy one It's half documentary half like scripted And then they have a fight they get to a point where they're like we're gonna fight and they fight And it's not really scripted rip torn pulls out a hammer and hits Norman Mailer over the head and he's bleeding for real It's right here. Yeah

He there's a story back in fucking psycho, but also the stories all those dudes back then were psycho Oh, yeah, like Dennis Hopper pulled it pulled a knife on him at a dinner Because I think he was supposed to do the Nicholson's role easy rider and rip tour was like a military guy He just like disarmed him and put him in like a fucking choke hold or something right right all the Walter Mathow was an Air Force pilot They're like they're all dudes. Wowfer. Now you get actors at the red carpets wearing dresses. That's so sad. Come a long way.

Yeah, it's horrible. Can I play one second of this when he hits you with the hammer on the head? Go for it. Okay. Is this just a coke-fueled interaction here? Oh! Jeez. I can't believe he took that. It's just a coke-fueled interaction here. Oh, jeez. I can't believe he took that. He's still standing.

You're supposed to die. You're supposed to die. You must die. You must die and not Maler. You're supposed to die. You must die and not Maler. I don't want to kill Maler, but I must kill Kingsley in this picture. Is that Rip? Yeah, it's Rip Torn in the shirt and Maler.

Wow, he's biting his ear. He's gotten the best of him, even with the other guy with the hammer and mailer. Wow, he's biting his ear. He's gotten the best of him. He even whipped the other guy with a hammer. Good times. This is what you call toxic masculine. I'm just watching them, I'm just thinking how fucking great he was in Larry Sanders and what's the other one

with Albert Brooks he's so great in? Oh, Defending Your Life. Oh my God, he's so good. Yeah, those guys were nuts. That's scary That's not good that reminds me of when I used to work for the police when I was just starting I used to have to go down to the the morgue and they had on display a skull With a hole right in the top and it was a perf then the hammer there was a murder weapon but the hand I watched that and I just thought the hammer went right through this guy's skull yeah you ever been to the Mütter Museum in Philly no have you been that oh if you ever do a gig in Philly take a day go to the

Mütter Museum I bet they have some great duct tape well if you're gonna muter I like it I get a kid don't yeah I like I like a joke wrapped in a riddle yeah a joke wrapped a duct tape yeah our museum is just all skeletons dead people and how they died like a skull with a nail in it. And they go, this guy was caught fingering his sister and his dad hit him with a nail gun. Oh my god. And it all has a story and it's fascinating. And they have to agree to be in that museum.

That's gotta be pretty fucking embarrassing. Totally. There's one guy, he's like a dead body, but it's huge and he died of obesity or whatever. And they have him in a big aquarium. You want to visit dad at the graveyard? No, the Mooder Museum. Yeah. in a big aquarium. You want to visit dad at the graveyard? No, the Mooder Museum. Yeah, yeah. But it's all like the 40s, the 30s,

but they're all perfectly kept. You know the crime, they have that serial killer museum in LA, the Death Museum? I went to that. That's kind of cool. Yeah, it was sort of a low rent one, though. It's almost like they sort of put it up overnight. You know, they had some cheesy cheesy stuff and then you're out.

You know, like they still had TVs playing VHS tapes on tube TVs. You could barely see it, the line going through. It was like, yeah, it wasn't very sophisticated. And you're like, this is Ted Bundy's toothbrush. You're like, well, what does that mean? Yeah. Did he kill somebody with a toothbrush?

Yeah, did it have Black Forest cheesecake in it from the fibers? No. I don't think so. No. Amazing. Look at those chompers on Jack. I mean, for a guy who eats a pound of Black Forest, he's got some furlies.

Yeah, man. I better take my diabetes medicine. Any movies on the horizon? Are you done with that chapter of your? Well, no, like I said, I'm kind of in a new chapter because with Wingman, I actually wrote, directed, and starred in it. Wow.

And it was one of the, it was so much work. It's really not easy to be the director and then jump in front of the camera and the focus you need. And so that's my latest venture. And then I'm sort of starting to go down that path where I'm writing more movies and wanna direct them. And so I'm hoping Wingman gets a good reaction

and I can jump to the next one that we've kind of got lined up in the chamber. So yeah. Are your buddies in it? A lot of comed up in the chamber. Hell yeah. Yeah. Are your buddies in it? A lot of comedians in it? Russell Peters is in it. Oh, I know.

He's hilarious in it and Jamie Kennedy from Scream. He plays the rival wingman. Ooh. And Russell Peters plays the guy that hires Jamie. And so me and Jamie have this kind of rivalry and the trademark of the wingman is we always have toothpicks. And I wrote a scene where me and Jamie Kennedy finally have a showdown in a bar

and I shot it like a Clint Eastwood spaghetti Western where there's a clock on the wall and we have a gunfight but we spit toothpicks at each other. And it's all shot kinda close like eye twitches and weird lower angles and so, yeah, he was great. So, yeah, I'm really looking forward to it and we just finished the edit literally Sunday. So it's not even out yet or anything.

Is it self-funded? No, we actually had a studio and some grant money behind it and so. Are you hoping for theaters or a stream? We don't know yet because we just finished it so now we have to put it on the marketplace see if anyone, if a studio likes it, great. That would be ideal with it. But probably in today's world and it being sort of a lower budget thing, my guess would be it would be a streaming movie but who knows?

It would be better for the movie anyway. knows? You never know, you never know. I don't even know if it'll get anything. I don't even know if it's, I've edited it, but I haven't watched it as one continuous movie yet. That's how freshly edited it is. So I still haven't seen it as one piece. So it might just fall apart and stink, or it might be really good.

I don't know, but that's kind of exciting. Have you ever written and directed a movie before? Yes, but not with other people's money or with another studio. This is my first one doing it with someone else's you know, resources. Any tips, we're right, we wrote a movie, now we're trying to pitch it, we don't know what.

Oh, we just got a producer involved. Yeah. We just got him on board hopefully. Yeah, get out and pitch it to don't know what oh we just got a producer involved yeah just got him on board hopefully yeah get out and pitch it to wherever you can and and try and get funding with ours we got some government funding and then we also got like private there's a lot of people out there with a lot of money who want to put money into into movies privately like part of our funding was like one guy put in a few hundred grand here, another person put in 50 grand there.

So if you can sort of find someone who's good at doing that, you can actually end up pulling the pieces together. So there's many different ways to do it, but that's kind of what we did with Wingman. Love it. Yeah, so. Awesome, congrats, man. No thanks, well hopefully it comes out good, we'll see.

You know what I, oh sorry. No, go ahead. What I think is gonna open the door for comedies again, like as you say, you know, like the not safe comedies. Yeah. This new South Park guys, they got a new movie coming out. Have you seen this? No.

With Kendrick Lamar. Matt and Trey? Yes. Oh. Yeah, they got, have you heard about this? I heard about it, I haven't seen anything. It's about, it's like a musical about slavery with Kendrick Lamar So, you know, they're gonna go for it and I think this is gonna break it all wide open good

It needs to be yeah, they just crush always they're so good. Oh, yeah, and they don't hold back So yeah, look at that. So this is I think this is gonna be a wild damn. Did you hear his fucking? His songs about Drake. They're crazy. Oh, that's the guy that did them. Okay God He's like not only are they like the lines vicious, but they're so fucking catchy I mean what's worse than being destroyed and also being like I want to listen again. Yeah You're getting zinged to a beat Really talented. It. He really is. Yeah, the BBL, do you hear that one?

Which one was that? BBL Drizzy. Has a fake ass. He does? He got a bigger ass injected in. I mean, who knows? See what I mean? We had Clint Eastwood and now we got guys getting fake asses.

Like, what is happening? Hey, he's a Canadian. Yeah, he is, yeah. So you had to get a backup duet woman to sing. I mean, this is high production. BBL Prism. Drizzy is Drake. And BBL is Brazilian butt lift.

No way. I feel like this is the number one cause of death for a YouTube influencer. It's a butt lift gone wrong. I think you're right. That's a butt lift gone wrong, you know? I think you're right. That's what they can't do. They can't do fucking Law and Order in the future. Ah!

Another butt. Well my sister got it done the traditional way. She got like, she wanted a faceless, she wanted like her cheeks, so they took extra fat out of her butt and put it in her face, and the only upside is I officially get to call her ass face now, which is a real

treat. Yeah. Well that's the white woman's move. Is it? Is taking fat out of the ass. Oh. Because the others go fat in. Would you do it?

Would you get a fat rump? No. I could use a little padding. I'm all bone. Really? When I get pegged, it is not pretty. Yeah. Ouch.

It's a lot of friction. You ever think about like around Thanksgiving just getting two glazed hams and stuffing them down the back of your pants? That's not bad but I feel like I'll just get fat. Why can't I just gain weight? Well it would be nice if you could put some glazed hams and then we get to enjoy the scent. That's true but I think dogs will chase me. It's alright as long as we get to enjoy your glazed pineapple ham scented ass cheeks.

He's Jewish, I don't know about the ham. I can do ham. Okay. How about that Jewish? I can still enjoy food. Wait, I thought you were Jewish. No, you wish. What?

He's an appropriator, this guy. Oh, what are you, Catholic? Agnost. Agnost what? All New York comedians seem kinda Jewish. That's true. They what, they do? oh New York comedians on New York comedians seem kind of Jewish That's true. They what they do comedians seem kind of you. Yeah, I thought you were that's why you were mean to me I'm circumcised how many times I? Think they took a lot off

But yeah, I'm a fan. I'm a fan of the Hebrew culture. All my heroes are. I feel like it's so, it's like New York and like New York Jews just complain a lot and I feel like that's just community. They do. Yeah, it's like, they start every sentence with like, can you believe this? And that's like fucking comedy, you know? You can't notice what's the deal with. We literally have a segment called Peaves on this pod. Do you have any pet peeves you wanna share with us?

Oh yeah. Yeah? I hate when a girl comes to bed with either wet hair or track pants. Track pants? Yeah, like ugh. Because they've been out in the pants? No, it's like if I want someone to,

like I'm dating a girl, I don't want my cousin Ed coming to bed like their track pants like like show me either come to bed nude or in lingerie But don't come to bed with like looks like you're about to get on the treadmill for an hour They go eat a smoothie and what are blueberries in the bathroom? You know run DMC you talk like yeah, just track pants or what do they call it? Sweat pants. Sweat, sweat.

Sweat pants. What's wrong with wet hair though? Well wet hair, would you ever go to bed with a wet towel laying beside you? I would not. Like you got a girl coming to bed, beautiful, long wet hair, it's swampy, it's wet. Like imagine she goes down there to give you a blowy

and it's like the girl from the ring is crawling up your lap it's like you know you put your head on it it's like soggy you pull your hand up there's like sea shirchens and yeah it's like spaghetti right yeah it's like some bald women dude bald with a pisha now that would feel like too much of a guy well you don't mind what you'd like it when a girl comes to bed with wet hair? No, I hate it. I agreed with you. Right? What about you, wild thing? I never thought about it, but coming to think of it, the pillow mildewy.

Yeah, but doesn't it feel weird? You go over to make out and it's like you're wrestling with a swamp thing or something? Yeah, I hear you. You can just towel your hair a little bit. What's wrong with that? Yeah, go turban. Yeah, but it's still wet. What about your, does your wife wear track pants to bed? No. Right? You wouldn't like that.

Never thought about it. It's not, yes you have. She came to bed in sweatpants. Aww, come on. I mean if we're going at it, they're coming off anyway. Yeah, but you just, she's coming to bed. Like even if you're not going at it, just even if you catch a glimpse you go That's a woman. I got a woman in my bed

I see like nude or lingerie, but track pants and like a viking's jersey Come on come to bed Mel Yeah, it makes a good point I mean like you want you do want a woman I my girlfriend She'll shower and just play like sports talk radio and I'm like, what am I dating a fat contractor from Jersey? What is this shit?

There you go, see? I get it, I get what you mean. I see. You want the sexy. You don't want a guy coming to bed. All right, Mel, I catch you. Or Ed or Larry or, you know. It is funny when you do a gay example

and the name you give. Just like Mel. Like you went with it to Mel. Mel is so not the name I'd go to. Maybe. Shows that we're all a little gay. Carl. Carl's a stronger name.

Carl's a good name. I hear you though, but I think the same goes for us. They don't want us coming to bed in fucking pigtails and a laterhosen. Whoa. Unless it's Oktoberfest season. Yeah, I guess so. Hey, there's old Mel. There's your girlfriend right there.

But have you had that where your wife comes to bed with track pants on and you're just like disgusted? See, I'd rather her wear track pants to bed than to church. But what about bed? Like, don't you want her to come to bed raw? I should wear a tuxedo as long as I'm plowing her. Tuxedo? Yeah, I don't give a shit what she's wearing a bit.

You wanna fuck Sinatra? But don't you get turned off if she's now wearing something sexy? No, I can see through it. Dude, come on. Well, I'm not saying I wanna get married where she's in a, you know, a sweat pant and a wife beater. Lingerie does nothing for me. What? It's like a, it's almost like a hack. I feel like oh

Yeah, I don't need it. I don't need it from afar Yeah, so you're dating an Arab girl I was waiting for it But what about girls that would get rid of the wet hair head. Well there you go That's true, and then no track pants is Ber burka. What about a girl sucking down oysters? That's a pep piece. Oh, really? Like, I can't go on a date and some girl pulls up a shell

and sucks down sea mucus, and then I'm going to kiss that mouth? Well, you don't think that means she might suck down other stuff? I don't want to watch that. Oysters look like they're all brown and green. They look like Shrek pinched a loaf on a shell You know You don't like oysters

I've never had one and I don't want to kiss a girl who's just had like eight of them and suck it the way that So the way they eat them you sound like you're dainty with a knife and fork You're like sucking them off like a cement mixer that just ran through Stephen King's backyard barbecue. What the hell? Look at that. Well the guy who brings in Mountain Dew is not going to be a fan of fine seafood cuisine I'll tell you that.

Well if you could shoot a girl after eating oysters that's a different proposal but what you don't mind a girl sucking an oyster? I like an oyster. I love an oyster. I grew up on it. I mean a girl doing it would you kiss her after that? Yeah I'd kiss a girl if she blew me. Yeah. Oh god you would? I have. He's kissed a guy after he blew me. What in the name of Galapagos tortoise thunder juice? Are you one of these guys, I think that's Cameron's liquid. Are you one of these guys who makes the gal brush the teeth after? I say what? I say which? I say what? Hey hey now? I think he had a stroke. Well I got a canoe in the car. Wait what did you say? Are you one of these, some of the, I knew a guy in college, he got blown and she was like trying to make out with him.

He's like, oh you gotta brush your teeth first. I ain't no gay. Oh wow. Well you just don't really kiss with a girl after that moment happens. You go to sleep. Ah, well she wants to get plowed. Well you can do that without kissing. I guess so. Yeah. Alright, some gals like a smooch. Yeah, but they're not gonna get it, are they? I guess not, you right some gals like a smooch yeah, but you know they're not gonna get it are they I guess not

You prude all right? Was a weird one now have you I'm with you on the what I'm fine What's it's my food that you're out on a hot date? Some chick stuff something in her mouth, and you don't want to kiss it. What is it another guy's penis? Where are you going on a date? House oh man you never into the glory hole it's a great bar here Mel's diner great oysters yeah that's right all right a lady could wolf down most things and I would still there's nothing I what about

breath bad breath that's a tough one that's's a tough one. You ever date a hot model and they like, No. They do that thing where they go on fasts and then their insides start to eat their insides alive and so now their breath smells like the carrion of a dead caribou from the side of a old Eskimo hunting trail or something. Like it's just like rotted meat stink come, because they're literally

eating because their stomachs, their enzymes are consuming their innards because there's no food coming in. So they want to be skinny but they don't realize their breath smells like the abominable snowman just ate a fucking corn on the cob at the back of a Koa campground outhouse. Yeah. Woo, I just wanna let you go. See what else comes out of that soup cooler of yours. Shump and Jeremiah Johnson and a jiggly bag of jumbo juice. Well, luckily there's a thing called a mint. You can pop that puppy in there. Yeah, but you wanna, in the middle of coitus,

you're gonna say, hey, pop a Mrs. Butterworth's or whatever they're called well you ever had a smelly box We've talked about this I feel like we're retreading a lot of I've never made out with my UPS driver Thanks for asking. I'm a porch pirate. I'll go down there. But wait a minute. What? You drink diet Mountain Dew. Not diet, regular. You drink Mountain Dew IPA and eat pizza crust for dinner. You must have something going on in here. Yeah, heaven. Hello. You must be kicking up to the esophagus. No, it's only when you starve yourself that your inner stomach and all your muscles and

everything starts consuming because they have nothing to feed off. So you know, when people get lost, your body starts eating the fat, right? Right, I get it. So when you're a model and you don't eat for nine days and you're purging in between, you're starting to, your own body's eating itself and then you smell like Luke Skywalker just took a Dutch steamer in the back of an IHOP and the janitor swirled it around or the dirty greasy mop. Hahaha.

Woo. Boy, you at the old folks home is gonna be quite a sight. It's gonna be good. Can't wait for that. Alright, well shit. Now who are these models you're plowing? Well, the same ones you did. Oh no. No, I mean just, you know, during your life you'll date a few models, right?

Did you ever date models? Plus size models? Oh yeah. Well, they don't have any problem eating themselves alive. Oh no. God, it's the opposite. Donuts. Yeah, you make out with them, it smells like 24-hour golden corral buffet in your face. Yeah, it's like the Keebler Elf tree good Lord

I get a good Lord you've been ranting on about What about outers you never about outers, what do you what's that this the outside oh There's outers. What about it? Just say you don't hear about outers. What's that? This. The outside. Oh. There's outers. What about it? Just say you don't hear about outers. What do you mean? Well you hear about innards all the time. Innards. The innards. You don't really hear about outers. Well give me an example of an outer. This is an outer. Oh like your outer body. Yeah. What about it? Well no one calls it an outered. Oh they do to the belly button. Audi. Audi. Great car. Indian Audi.

Yeah. By the way, I saw a homeless guy today so drunk, he was bent over a log trying to shit out of his belly button. He was so drunk he forgot which was which. Unbelievable. Well, you gotta write fables, I think. That would really be something. Children's books.

I see a picture. Actually, I've written children's books. Yeah? Oh, really? Yeah, I got nine of them. Pull them up. Oh, there we go. Well, what are they called? I was looking for your dating history.

I couldn't find it. Oh. But I did just find out that your cousin is in Bare Naked Ladies. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, they're good. That's my deep research for the day.

He's never been in a Bare Naked Lady, not if she's in sweats. Yeah. Damn, those sweats. Unbelievable. Or track pants. Track pants that you don't call them that here track pants to me are like athletic II parachutie pants Oh when I grew up they were just like what it sweats. Yes, what track? I'm with you. I prefer like up to here like you know that's nice dress down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, what if it's cold? You well you're getting under the sheet

so you keep them warm right clan whoa lemon juice from Larry's hideaway mark give any peeps left over a couple how about this pee oh you missed some some gold earlier before you showed up we rocked a few but I got one in the chamber for you there HW. Okay do we need some toilet paper? You know when you're purchasing something with a credit card online and you put the credit card number you put the date you put the the secret code on the back and then they go what country you know you go New York New York country and they put United States under the you so I'm yeah rolling for half an hour Sudan Tunisia Turkey I'm like just put America put

America get us up top but what if people perceive it as South America or North America because there's several Americas good Good point. So they have to do United States of America. Can we do a little geo tracking? We have the technology to put a credit card through the internet. How about the technology to know I'm in the US and then put that on top? I'm with you.

You just got to type you. You just got to open it and type you, and you're good. Oh, really? Because I do the same thing. I go all the way to it. And sometimes you're in a rush, because you get one of those things, this transaction will expire in two minutes,

and you're like, I gotta get this flight to Dubai to the Carmelcorn Festival or whatever you do. I gotta get this assault rifle to the West Village. Come on, there you go, it's ping pong time. Yeah, so that's a peeve is that scroll. Yeah, I'm with you on that one. Thank you. Scrolling can go to hell.

Well, you're Canada sometimes Yeah, we'll see sees pretty high up. Yeah, but I mean we decide but we're Referencing the United States specifically and I'm with you guys. Thank you, sir. Are you on the road right now, Harland? Yeah a little bit Yeah, I'm touring I'm gonna be in Vegas. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, I'm going up to st. Catharines, Canada I'm gonna be in Vegas. Nice. Phoenix, the comedy festival in Pittsburgh. Ooh.

Yeah. All right, that's a hot photo there. That guy's fucked a few models. Yeah, there you go. That was at Skankfest last summer. Oh wow, you look thrilled about those crowds. Yeah, yeah, three or four people there. Ha ha ha ha.

HarlanWilliams.com? HarlanWill calm Harlan Williams calm that's right and then and the new movie the new movie wingman We don't know when it'll be out. So I appreciate you. Let me talk about it was fun wingman And you have a pod to podcast the Harlan Highway podcast killer pod you were just on it. I don't came out to this morning Oh, yeah, yeah And you've got to come on it when you're in Los Angeles. Just to see the house alone is worth doing it, but it's a great pod. Yeah, we had a ride. Thanks again for doing it. I'm honored. Royal blast. And that producer you got is a real kitten. Yeah, yeah, she's great. And just it was a so the podcast is a ton of fun, and yeah, check it out. Hell yeah. Love Harlan. Check out Harlan Killed Tony, by the way,

if you haven't seen it. It's one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. Oh, thanks, man. Killed it. Oh, thanks. Yeah, there's a new one coming out with me in like two or three weeks, I think. Great.

We did it live at the Forum in LA. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Me and David Lucas have a pretty wicked roast battle. Oh boy upcoming one. So I'll start a race war Yeah, he's never had a race. He doesn't even have track pants There's some mark dates here. All right and follow check these out on punchup live slash mark Norman and and minor punch up that live slash Sam or I'll follow us on punch up guys Yeah, I don't know when this comes out, so I'm scared to say some dates.

Do 614. 614, I'm in Philadelphia, the Miller Theater, then Hampton Bay, New York, that's the Hamptons, Red Bank, New Jersey, Poughkeepsie, Englewood, West Palm, Fort Myers, New Haven, Boston. Wow. All kinds of stuff. All right.

Pittsburgh, Spokane. You're all over. Baton Rouge. Yeah. Way to go, dude. have some date now what do you got there Sammy Davis we got a Atlanta Brea California owners after Brea Atlantic City with Chris DeStefano we're doing that together Rochester New York Miami Baltimore area then we got a Euro tour London Belfast Dublin Paris Amsterdam Copenhagen Oslo Stockholm punch Stockholm, PunchUp.live

slash Samorail and Bodega Cat should be legal by now, should be at the Comedy Cellar, we love you for drinking this shit, should be at a ton of venues in New York right now. What is it, whiskey? It's our whiskey, yeah. That's a ride. How long have you been making that? It's been a couple years now. Wow.

Oh, that's good. Where does it, where do they brew it? Uh, in Jersey? Indiana. Wow. Wicked. It sells out of Jersey. Wow. I think. Yeah, that's where all the bottles. What's it called? Odeca Cat. Wow, so it's like kind of like all these guys doing their own tequila but you're doing whiskey. Exactly. Oh cool. We oh cool we zag wow well thanks for listening guys Harlan check out his his podcast sees Harlan on the road thank you for listening see you next week oh yeah comedy thanks guys I've had a little too much burping And Norman's talking shit about the fucking

Pope And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true.