We Might Be Drunk - Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, we're here. We might be drunk. Look at this. We got old Sammy the Bull as usual, then our special guest, the prom king and queen. Absolutely. Joe Liszt, Sarah Tolabosh. Here we are on opposite sides of the couch the way we like it. Right. Couples therapy, how is everything? Two men in between us, the way I always. You guys used to have the bit about first class,

Starting point is 00:00:30 how you get upgraded but you wouldn't be able to sit together and you're like, yeah, we're okay with it. Yeah, no problem, yeah. Oh yeah. Also it's like, it's really funny, I always think when we don't sit together if the plane like crashes that I can't be like, can I sit next to my husband while we die?

Starting point is 00:00:45 I would just yell. You have to sit separately while we're dying. Yeah. I'm gonna just yell back, I love you, whatever. Yeah. Well that happened a lot because I would buy, so oftentimes I've bought a ticket before and then Sarah decides, oh, I wanna tag along,

Starting point is 00:00:58 some bullshit, so I'll get her a ticket, but first class is already taken up. And then there was one guy, a big Texas guy, was like, because I was already in my seat obviously in Saragadon half an hour later. Yeah. And I was like, hey, I love you. And he was like, no, I'm out of believe that's your wife going back there. And I was like, yeah, you know, and he's like, in Texas that wouldn't fly, man.

Starting point is 00:01:17 You don't let your wife, and I was like, well, she's from Texas and you can blow up. Why don't you give her your seat? Yeah. Good point. Give her your seat. You're from Texas. No, this is a good internet argument. That is good.

Starting point is 00:01:28 Well, people think it's crazy, and then, Sarah only just recently got pre-checked, and I would leave her in the dust there too. Oh, that's very reasonable. That's on you. Yeah, that's on you. Gotta get it. Well, to get it set up beforehand was so annoying. I just didn't feel like going to a Staples.

Starting point is 00:01:42 That's how I felt too. Yeah, but now I did it through Clear. Oh. So you can just do it at the airport. Oh, wow, I had to to a Staples. That's how I felt too. Yeah, but now I did it through Clear. Oh. So you can just do it at the airport. Oh wow, I had to go to Staples. You waited it out. I waited it out, but it took like years. I think I went to the DMV.

Starting point is 00:01:53 I think I did the real shit anyway. Ooh. Yeah, I went to a place, like the PreCheck place. And it was fine, it was easy. But it is a game changer. Oh, it's huge. But what about when you see the PreCheck line is longer than the other line?

Starting point is 00:02:05 And you're like, how'd we get here? Well, now there's the other one, I don't even wanna mention it because I want the line to stay short. But you know about. Yes. Yeah, bleep that. You gotta bleep that.

Starting point is 00:02:14 Well, we keep giving more. You got the fingerprint, the iris, it's gonna keep, there's gonna be a new thing in the year. I don't care. I gotta tell you. Yeah, my balls. I'm a bad. Get your balls in the little thing. I don't care about it. The tell ya. Yeah, my balls. I'm a bad... Get your balls in the little thing.

Starting point is 00:02:25 I don't care about it. The government... I've always been like this, even going back to George W. Bush, I've always been a bad liberal... That's a bad word now. That's like the N-word, the liberal. But whatever, a bad leading left person because since day one, I'm like, read my emails, listen to my phone calls, watch this fuck. I don't care. If I can get on the airport faster, I don't care. If you read my texts, I feel bad for you. Because it's just a lot of dark horse shit. Let the government read all my shit. We're putting it all out anyway.

Starting point is 00:02:56 You got the phone, you gotta find my iPhone, they know where we are, they know what gay club you're at, whatever. TikTok knows who you are to a T. Who? TikTok. Oh yeah, China. There were the COVID people who were like, I don't want the government,

Starting point is 00:03:09 because they were knocking on doors for people to get the vaccine. They're like, I don't want to get the vaccine and so they know where I am. It's like, they knocked on your door, they found you. Yeah. They got you already. Right.

Starting point is 00:03:20 Well, there is a microchip in there, obviously. But yeah, in my defense, we have a baby, and when we would fly, because I had clear and pre-check, I would take the baby. Oh! So I'm not a complete monster. Yeah. All right, I guess I am,

Starting point is 00:03:35 because remember when we went to London? Yes. Me and him went to the TV show in London, they got us free first class tickets, and the wife was like, I wanna go to London, and was like all right and it was the same thing so she sat in the way back of the plane and I'm in the international first class yeah the whole another ball game and that was a fight you bring her back in a roll I did I gave her a pat of butter just the butter but yeah that was a that was a rough

Starting point is 00:04:02 plane ride yeah what can you do six hours later we made up well she should grab herself by her bootstraps stupid pregnant asshole yeah this is pre-pregnant good point that was great time great trip horrible TV show you keep saying that cut that well the show shows fantastic I've ever been on my life. Are you getting me? No? No it was really bad Trash bad show it was bad and but that boy they they whipped us in the shape I remember I showed up you're like you're in for it fatty. They're gonna kill you and I hadn't done a lick of work No, it was crazy. I had to hire a writer. They're like yes, they work there. I don't know I shit up with two jokes

Starting point is 00:04:44 They're like you need nine jokes per topic it was crazy I was working around the clock horrible 10-10 I stayed up all night all night or I crammed all day I had books open like at midnight back in the day remember that yeah it was like that times 10 for like two weeks I never did at midnight but that show was it was a lot of work but they did. It is like classic us though. They're like, we're gonna give you a shit load of money to come out and do a TV show. We're like, all right, I'll do it.

Starting point is 00:05:11 I'm not gonna do any work though. Yeah. I'll just take the trip. We're comedians. Remember that breakfast though at that hotel? Woo! That was something else. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:05:21 I like the International Lounge. You get the beans with the eggs. They're kind of like. Oh, I hate the International Lounge. It's just different with the eggs. I kind of like. Oh, I hate the International Lounge. It's just different. It's just, I'm sick of the, yeah, I don't know. But it makes you realize we're number one, baby. We got a croissant, which I guess is French.

Starting point is 00:05:35 But we got all kinds of good stuff. Look at this pile of miscarriage over here. It's different. That's an English breakfast. You got that right. Yeah, that's all Brit. That's what Sarah's mother makes. Sarah's mother's British.

Starting point is 00:05:47 Did you guys know that? Oh, sorry. Oh, that's right. All right. Can she cook? No, well, I want to say she does really good salads, but she is, this sounds so horrible, but she doesn't season anything.

Starting point is 00:05:59 Yes. Everything, the steaks are dry. Yeah. Yeah, bad food, bad weather, bad teeth. Vaginas are bad too. Dry. Yeah, dry vaginas. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:11 The whole family. It rains here so much. You get a little moisture down there. Not on social media. Nah, we're okay. Yeah. Look at that, sorry. I tried to do this on stage

Starting point is 00:06:22 and it never really hits the way I want it to hit, but this is a story about Sarah's mother. When Sarah's father passed away, RIP, my mother sent a fruit basket, like a big fruit basket to the house and we're all hanging out. Thoughtful. And after like three days, Sarah or Sarah's sister's like,

Starting point is 00:06:38 Mom, why don't you open the fruit basket? And she goes, oh no, that's Joe's. His mother sent it. Oh wow. Her mother. Joe needs his fruit right now. Her mother thought my mother was like, get Joe his fruit. He's got to have his scrapes or else he's gonna. It has to be in a basket too.

Starting point is 00:06:53 That's wild. Which gave me a window into Sarum. This is how you were, your mother has such low self-esteem. She's like, I can't, but that's gotta be. I don't want to be a bother. Yeah. It's probably like the motto of English, even though they colonize everything. She thinks your mom's just sending you

Starting point is 00:07:08 a basket of $80 pears. Yeah. Just some half a slice. Just always eating pears. Yeah. Pairs of pussy. Ho, ho. My boys.

Starting point is 00:07:17 Tits. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, I hate a fruit basket. You ever gotten an edible arrangement? No. It stinks. It's just like mangoes on sticks and stuff. Well, it just would go stale,

Starting point is 00:07:28 I would assume, with flies around it. Oh yeah. It's bad. Now they got these boxes of food they send you and they put like an ice cube in the bottom, but the ice cube always melts and the food goes bad. Well, that's like one time Joe, for a podcast, Factor, sent- Factor!

Starting point is 00:07:44 They sent in all this food, but we weren't home because they didn't reach out. And it just went, it went stale on our doorstep, like a thousand dollars worth of food. I got it sent to me and it was out there for like a month and it's still delicious. Factor, you guys are crushing it. Factor rules, it's the best, we love it.

Starting point is 00:08:02 Love Factor. Sarah. Sorry, faux pas. We blew it. You should call ahead of time to let us know when a week's worth of food is coming. They might have, I probably ignored it. Yeah, good point. Look at that, it looks like a lot.

Starting point is 00:08:16 See when hobos get hip to Factor, they're gonna be eating like kings. There are already porch pirates stealing everything. When they find a Factor box, that's food for a week. Porch pirate. You need a microwave, don't you? No, hobos dating out of the trash. They're not gonna be like,

Starting point is 00:08:31 oh, this is gonna need a microwave oven. They're eating garbage. All right, what is that factor? Oh, I was just gonna say porch pirate sounds like, I clammed up, it sounds like a slur. I was like, oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Like a gay slur. It does, yeah. That's butt pirate. Butt pirate, sorry sounds like a slur. I was like, oh Jesus. Like a gay slur.

Starting point is 00:08:45 It does. That's a butt pirate. Butt pirate, sorry. Butt pirate, classic. I haven't heard that one in a while. I guess black? Yeah, there was a black one that's close. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:53 Oh, geez, all right. That one's actually worse than pirate. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Yeah, but pirate doesn't sound that bad. Sounds kind of fun. Arr, my ass hurts.

Starting point is 00:09:03 Absolutely. Like discovering new links. Oh, hey mate, he a butthole awaits.. Sounds kind of fun. Arrrr. Ass hurts. Absolutely. Like discovering new links. Oh mate, he a butthole awaits. It's kind of fun. You pull out the telescope and then you put it in him. A vast ye penis. Yes.

Starting point is 00:09:13 Hey, look at that butt pirate. There you go. Pillow biter is pretty clever. Whoever can't with a pillow biter, that guy deserves a high five. I never heard that one. What? Pillow biter? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:23 But a pillow biter could also be a woman. Huh? Or you know, whatever. True, true. Whoever's biting the pillower, but a pillow biter could also be a woman. Or, you know, whatever. True, true. If it was biting the pillow. Well, a cocksucker would be a woman too. Absolutely. Right? Unlike Sarah.

Starting point is 00:09:32 Yeah, not me though. No way. Maybe a birthday. Maybe. Remember the hookup coupons? Is that a thing? Oh, yeah, I've heard about that. It's like a good, it also sounds like a good premise.

Starting point is 00:09:45 Right, right. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know, like this is good for one hand job, one BJ. I don't want my loved one, Joe, rocking them all up and I have to do them all in one night. Ooh. That's how you should do it.

Starting point is 00:09:56 I would just get tired. Yeah, I got two pair over here, sweetie. Some lipstick on. Yeah. I would get one of my mom, not a hookup one, when I was a kid, I was like, here you go, one free clean the kitchen, one hug, one foot rub. You never did that?

Starting point is 00:10:14 No. You got my foot rub, what the hell? Yeah, I get my own foot rub all the time. Great son. This is a Pulp Fiction dialogue. How do I be tickling to nothing? Now, Lewis and Bobby did that one year on You Know What Dude. It was like a free foot rub coupon or something like that.

Starting point is 00:10:30 There you go. I already got one and had to rub a foot. A man's foot is appalling to me. It's awful. I can't. I just can't. Anytime I see a man's foot in like a sandal, I'm like, what are you doing?

Starting point is 00:10:43 Yeah. You gotta take good care of your feet. No. No. The toenails are out of control. Oh, I could catch salmon with these things. Right. That's disgusting. I don't know why you guys don't like cutting your toenails. It's all the way down to we're longer than you.

Starting point is 00:10:54 We're taller and less flexible. You can't get down there. We're not flexible. No, we just don't maintain, dude, I didn't know you had to wash your face until like two weeks ago. No, I didn't wash my face seriously until I was in my 30s.

Starting point is 00:11:05 I just started like, I'm not kidding. Tommy Pope mentioned it in Austin. He's a handsome guy. He got like great skin and he was like, wash my face and I was like, oh, I've never done that. He goes, you've never washed your face? I was like, no, I've never done it. So what do you do?

Starting point is 00:11:19 I just go to bed with chemicals on my face, I guess. I don't know. No, but like in the shower. I don't wash, no, I don't get it. What? It gets wet. chemicals on my face, I guess, I don't know. No, but like in the shower. In the shower, you get your face wet. No, I don't get it. What? It gets wet, but. You get it wet. I'm just, I was,

Starting point is 00:11:29 I was the same way for years and years. No. Whoa! Have you heard the rumor? Washcloth, I mean, I know of Jizz Rag. I've never heard of a washcloth. Yeah, I don't have one either, but I'm not kidding.

Starting point is 00:11:37 We're white. Weird. Which rumors? The rumor that like a lot of white people don't wash their legs. I never do. I don't. I do.

Starting point is 00:11:44 I don't even know I had legs. But that's like crazy not to wash your legs. I don't do lotion,. I never do. I don't. I do. I don't even know I had legs. But that's like crazy not to wash your legs. I don't do lotion, I don't do anything. I do a little lotion. Lotion when you have the time. Lotion you gotta start because I think you look like an old crinkly asshole, especially with the whiskey. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:57 It ages you. You'll start looking like an old asshole soon. Well what about these stogies? That can't be helping the crackle. Well I smoke outside and occasionally, you know. I'm not smoking all day every day. Mm-hmm. But I mean, look at me.

Starting point is 00:12:08 I'm twinkling over here. That's a nice epidermis you got there. Hey, you got a glow. I steam. The steam room's big. Steam is big. It's sober. Moisturizer.

Starting point is 00:12:17 Moisturizer. Moisturizer. There you go. Whatever it is. But you wash your legs because you shave with it every couple months. Every few months. Yeah. You gotta wait your legs because you shave with it every couple months. Every few months.

Starting point is 00:12:25 Yeah. You gotta wait to get the good shave. Where you guys at with leg hair in the bedroom? On her or me? On her. Uh. Some guys are like, get the fuck out of the bed. Like women have leg hair?

Starting point is 00:12:37 Like stubble. Not a whole leg hair. That I wouldn't do. Like the goosebumps is fine. I don't, you know, the goosebumps. The goosebumps. The great book. The pricklies. Yeah. I'll go stub you know, the goosebumps. The pricklies.

Starting point is 00:12:46 I'll go stubble because I know that she's been shaving. But if you get a full on hippie chick with the Robin Williams arms in there, that's not happening. Not a fan of the armpit hair. No. I know that's like, people, they think it's empowering, but to me it's just like, you know. There's a hot, smoking hot waitress at one of the comic clubs, I'm not gonna get specific, but she's very hot, and the other day she did one of these, yeah, and I saw a big ol' Richard Simmons come outta there.

Starting point is 00:13:12 I almost quit work in that club. She got drafted to the Memphis Grizzlies, whatever. Yeah, exactly. And then out, god damn it. Sarah, armpit hair thoughts? I actually think it's cute. Ah! And did you ever remember the first Playboy that Madonna Madonna did she had armpit hair? No way? Yeah

Starting point is 00:13:30 Yeah, playboy. I think it was her photos that she took from a photographer, and then he sold them to playboy But they had she had armpit hair Interesting well if you're the sexiest woman on earth. I'll allow it. Second to the left. Yeah. Oh wow See that's is that Madonna though? Doesn't look like Madonna. It's got a slopey nose. That's her. Oh, but there it is. That's her with the hair They put it right on the crease of the page. That was smart. Yeah, that's good She's insisting on the armpit hair and they're like we'll put it in the crease. Don't worry about it I get it that it's like a counterculture. She's pushing back on the man, but not a fan.

Starting point is 00:14:08 But I think though. It's very Euro. Yeah. Oh, boy, she had a body, huh? She's tight. That's actually a lot of armpit hair. More than me. But she's Italian.

Starting point is 00:14:17 Oh, gross. She probably has that on back. But don't you find though, I mean, you're in a long-term relationship, like you guys both are, right? I mean, like we've been together for 37 years. Yep. After a while, armpit hair, I'm not suggesting this,

Starting point is 00:14:35 but like you can get into anything different. That's true. Like we went to Paris, Sarah was chain smoking, which by the way, I was like, we're in Paris, we should smoke cigarettes. Sarah smoked about 40 in 10 minutes. Really? I used to be a smoker. Oh, I didn't know're in Paris, we should smoke cigarettes. Sarah smoked about 40 in 10 minutes. Really? I used to be a smoker.

Starting point is 00:14:46 Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, I smoked for years. I wish you didn't do all your Karen the baby, but. I know, well, small birth weight. He's tiny. Preemie. But yeah, I was like, wouldn't that be fun? But I love a cigarette, if I get to have one.

Starting point is 00:15:01 I'm like, when in Rome, cafe society, and Sarah's like, that might be fun. And she's got like three at a time. She's one. I'm like, when in Rome, cafe, society, and Sarah's like, that might be fun. And she's got like three at a time. She's like. She'll make Bill Arie and Royal Tenenbaums. She was doing Coke. Whenever I'm in a casino, I'll start smoking Stogeys.

Starting point is 00:15:15 Oh yeah. That's fun. Really? That's cool. I get the respirator whenever I'm in a casino. By the way, I don't know if this is common knowledge out there, I just went to a movie yesterday with Ari. He's smoking, they got a hold on him.

Starting point is 00:15:26 He's smoking cigarettes like a regular guy. He's 48 years old, he's just smoking. When your friends start smoking at 48, you're like, it's only when you're in high, I get high school, but when you start smoking at 25. That's kooky. It's weird. Well, Ari also gets a Mohawk, you know, every two months.

Starting point is 00:15:44 He's riding a skateboard. Yeah, exactly. It's like Bart Simpson. also gets a mohawk, you know every two months. He's riding a skateboard. Yeah, exactly It's like Bart Simpson. Yeah, he's wearing a suit like the Riddler I thought that was his most offensive look. Which one? The one where he had the bald man. Oh that was for the bachelor party Yeah, mustache. Yeah, that was ugly Not even the most offensive thing of that bachelor party. That's true. There he is Ari's handsome when he goes high and tight, which he has right now. It works. When he goes normal.

Starting point is 00:16:07 Yeah, handsome's a stretch, obviously. It's weird, because he looks better, wow, that's rough. He looks like a terrorist. Osama Bin Laden. Yeah. Jesus. He looks better now than he did in the early 2000s, when he had that kind of dewy curl.

Starting point is 00:16:24 Yeah, with the crazy glasses. He looked really bad, even before that, because he's getting it together here. Well men get more attracted, it's one of the cruel things about life. Men get more attracted and women go to shit. Yeah. I mean not yet, luckily.

Starting point is 00:16:38 Yeah, it happens. Any minute, and I'm out. I'm on the edge. His Jewish hair looks like horns. It's not good Looks like it was withdrawn by a Nazi artist. Oh, yeah Him that's him Calling looks like Alan Lefkowitz. Yeah, you get Hamas now. How about Alan? Did you watch Alan with Colin Quinn? I saw that look I love Alan me too. He's 78 though. I thought he was 73. He's 78 78

Starting point is 00:17:06 He says it on the thing Wow that's Trump's age. I believe yeah Damn, we're guys. Yeah Okay I'm the greatest therapist of all time. That's a that's a good soda Alan. Oh You're a pussy. I think I do a better Allen than than soda You gotta assert we all go to Allen. Yeah, I don't anymore the whole game good for a long time I love Allen falling out you pulled out. Yeah, I think I'm good for now blue cardigan. That was ugly Ari yikes, oh

Starting point is 00:17:40 Mama, he looks exactly like how he looks exactly like what's his toes in old school, at the beginning, the director. Todd Phillips. Todd Phillips, he looks just like Todd Phillips in the I'm Here for the Gangbang scene. That's right. I mean that's like dead on. Oh, JFL.

Starting point is 00:17:57 I heard JFL's coming back with different ownership. Oh. Netflix? I don't think Netflix. Interesting. Massad? Huh? Oh, sorry, thinking of Ari. Ah, I gotcha.

Starting point is 00:18:09 We're just watching. It's crazy that you're watching TV. Yeah, we're just watching TV. Man, it's a, are you enjoying it? Parenthood. Having a kid? Yeah. Oh, I'm enjoying it the most right now.

Starting point is 00:18:17 This is ideal. Yeah, it gets better every day. But the first three months are so brutal and they do, they always make it so hard, but it's harder than you think it is. No sleep. It's psychotic. Screaming, shitting.

Starting point is 00:18:32 It doesn't make sense. Really? Yeah. And then you're by yourself a lot, I feel like. We switch off, so we're never in the same room together. Right. That's nice. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:43 Yeah. No, it was pretty rough. And also, because the beginning, the baby can't see in a room together. Oh, interesting. Right. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was pretty rough. And also, cause the beginning, the baby can't see and he doesn't know or she, they don't know who you are. Sure. And so any one of us could just go in there. So there's not even like, yeah, this guy.

Starting point is 00:18:57 Right. So they don't even, they're not even reciprocating. You get nothing out of it. You get nothing. And then they're up, you're up all night and they're crying and it's not fun. No, it's a nightmare. That's the top is, oops sorry. No, out of it. You get nothing and then you're up all night and they're crying and it's not fun. No, it's a nightmare. That's tough.

Starting point is 00:19:08 I wanted, sorry. No, that's it. Well, we're all about reaction. You know, we wanna kill, we wanna do well and you're just bombing with this baby all day. Yeah. It's worse than bombing. Like, because it actually hurts your feelings.

Starting point is 00:19:23 You bomb a corporate gig, you're like, fuck these people, I'm never gonna see them again. It's a corporate gig. That's their kid. And you gotta check. Right. Like I would start taking it personally, as if maybe there's something deep down inside

Starting point is 00:19:33 he knows about me. Right. Like he's rejecting me right now. But there's sweet moments, but it was tough. And then trying to go do Ponca, it was tough. But now it's amazing, it's the best, it's wonderful. Yeah, he's cute. I love it. Doug Key has a Six month. Yeah, he's like a few two months behind us. Yeah something like that And he's like you get a smirk of a smile and you're like, oh my god. I love this fucking it's a game changer

Starting point is 00:19:58 Yeah, yeah now like last night I ran home like Q sack to get home before we went to bed and I like opened the door and he was Like what and they jogs over jogs he crawls over and stuff I'm gonna laugh which feels good laughs real hard He smiles and then now he like goes to bed on me like he's like that stuff is nice And you feel like yeah But I do there is a time where I felt like it felt like you're an emcee of a show that never ends that you Constantly have to keep bringing the energy

Starting point is 00:20:29 Because you can't be like rest your face like you have to be like excited. You know what I mean? I give him a motion motion your Fuqua. Yeah I'm trying to entertain him the whole time I'm trying to figure'm picking up the purse. I'm trying to entertain him the whole time. I'm trying to figure out what toys he likes. It's just, it makes me want to smoke a cigarette every now and then. Wow, it sounds like you might start.

Starting point is 00:20:52 Yeah. But you get those people that, like, when the baby goes to bed, they crack a beer and all that stuff. Yeah. Sure, sure. And also it's hard to do, now, like last week, I've been on the road a bunch. When I come home, I had no spots all week,

Starting point is 00:21:06 like Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. And I was like, this is how I wanna live my life now. Cause you spend the whole day with the baby, it ends, you're like, great, I'm gonna watch the socks or whatever. Yeah, yeah, you become a homebody. It does make it harder to go out. Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:21 Don't you ever think, how the hell did babies survive in the middle ages? Cause they need so much. A lot of them didn't. Yeah, most of them did. I think you is tough. Don't you ever think, how the hell did babies survive in the middle ages? Cause they need so much. A lot of them didn't. Yeah, most of them did. I think you have eight. You have like a lot of babies. That's true.

Starting point is 00:21:31 You keep pushing them out until they... It's a numbers game. It's like darts, just throw them at the wall. Yeah. Yeah. Even Lincoln lost like so many kids. Really? Go back to like the 1800s, yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:41 I didn't know that. Yeah. Wow, honest Abe. Or like farm accidents. Yeah. They would just work. That was the 1800s, yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. Wow, honest Abe. Or like farm accidents. Yeah. They would just work. That was the other thing, back in the day you had a staff. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:51 It was like eight kids were now plowing the field and milking the cow. Now we're plowing the kids. Ha ha ha ha ha. Hello folks, not us. I'm thinking about fucking a baby, because people, they diddle babies, but like. Yeah, not fucking a baby I hope. You can't, how are you gonna fuck a baby, because people, they diddle babies, but like. Yeah, not fucking a baby, I hope.

Starting point is 00:22:05 You can't, how are you gonna fuck a baby? I always wondered that, like that b-hole is like, it's like a thread in a needle. We'll be right back. That's the word from Factor. You're looking to shape up your body hair, get the package that takes care of it all. Manscaped's Beard and Balls bundle

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Starting point is 00:25:51 Prize picks, run your game. Yeah, I think it's hard, but I think, yeah, this is, I think it's more, yeah, probably not intercourse so much. I thought there was a dog. I didn't even realize there was like a living creature right there. Oh yeah. It's hilarious. That's much was a dog. I didn't even realize there was a living creature right there. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:05 It's hilarious. That's much easier to fuck. She will not like it. But no, it's great. It's awesome. It's fun. And then you miss, you have somebody to miss, cause I don't miss Sarah, but I miss the baby.

Starting point is 00:26:16 Sure, sure. Well, you separate from him and then you just look at photos of your friend. Do you know what I mean? I don't do that for any other friend, but then when I go to bed, I'm just looking at photos of your friend. Do you know what I mean? I don't do that for any other friend, but then when I go to bed, I'm just looking at photos of my baby. Yeah, of course.

Starting point is 00:26:30 No one thinks they're gonna be the parent who shows other people the kid photo, but every parent has done it in my existence. Yeah, you know when you do it. I'm gonna do it, I guess. But you're like, he's so fucking cute. Of course. But I get it.

Starting point is 00:26:44 I don't wanna talk about it. Right. You know what I mean, I don't wanna be the party bummer. Yeah. But also, can I say this, and this is why you'll do it, is it's also like a natural, cause we're uncomfortable socially with strangers, so it's a natural progression of like,

Starting point is 00:26:59 oh don't you have a baby, oh yeah, oh you wanna see it? Like it gives you, it's not like I want to show people my baby, it's just like the natural thing of like, oh this is what you say next. It goes to the conversation. It's the same as being like, boy it's been really hot lately. I don't actually give a shit to say it's hot out. Sure, sure.

Starting point is 00:27:17 It's a small talk. Being polite. Yeah, it just gives you. Yeah, then they show you a photo of their baby and you're like, I don't care. Yeah, right, right. Give a shit about your baby. Yeah, wouldn't you love to do that just once

Starting point is 00:27:26 because everybody goes oh my god, how about that? Just go, eh, I don't care. It's okay. It's like every other baby. Yeah, but also I'm the guy now that I always hated where I'm like going to watch a movie and I'm like ooh a new crime doc. It's like ah it's a child addiction.

Starting point is 00:27:43 No. Ah I don't want to watch that, you know Yeah, you got like but Manchester's by the sea still my favorite Watch it all that we have it on repeat Now it's a fantasy good fellas and then Manchester by the sea. Yeah great movie both of them We don't what about like strippers you go to a strip club. Do you kind of go? Oh, that was a baby that where's the mom, where's the dad? Or are you still cool with that?

Starting point is 00:28:07 I don't think Joe's going to strip clubs. Yeah, I'm going to strip clubs, you idiot. Me neither. Another word from Factor. No, I don't, I haven't been to a strip club in a long time, but I don't- Oh, porn, I'm not saying strip club, it could be anything.

Starting point is 00:28:23 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. You don't really watch porn either. I kinda think that-'t- I like porn, I'm not saying strip, it could be anything. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. No. You don't really watch porn either. I kinda think that- You ever watching child porn, you're like, this could be our kid. No, but when the hot women walk by and I stare at their asses, they pass.

Starting point is 00:28:35 I'm not like, ah, you idiot, that was a baby. Okay. I'm like, nah, I wanna cum on that butt. Yeah, what about when a baby goes by? Like, decent ass. No, when a baby walks by, I'm like, nope, not as cute as ours. Okay.

Starting point is 00:28:47 Not as cute as ours, that's horseshit. I cannot wait to see how much cute my baby is than yours. But what about the fact that it's your baby? What do you mean? How do you know it's actually cute? You're gonna be biased. No, you can tell.

Starting point is 00:29:00 No, you can tell. I've never, I've seen some ugly babies out there. I've never heard a parent go damn My kids pretty ugly they can't say it but I they they think they know of course I don't know. I don't know about that. Plus we get the reaction everyone's like, oh my god. It's like a Gerber baby Oh shit, it's like next level. I think the eyes are pretty big blues. Yeah Fantastic, baby. Oh, let's pull up some real baby That one four in from the left is the thing from Star Wars. Yeah

Starting point is 00:29:31 The fish yeah, that's the Admiral fish gun and there's mr. Bean all the way on the back right even that one I'm like that one's cute. That's normal looking which one the second day. He's cute. Yeah Oh, yeah, he's all right. We're like, that's unfair. Well, some of these are early too. Early, early. Some of them just look, go to the top left. That one's second, yeah, that one just kind of looks

Starting point is 00:29:53 like Ed Harris. Right. That's not that bad. He just looks like an older baby. It also takes time. Like, you know, it's- They're cute out more. Right.

Starting point is 00:30:03 But I always feel like our baby looks like an old banker Like a president I can see that a huge Kennedy head. He's kind of looks like Truman Yeah, big Irish head on this baby. Oh, there is mr.. Bean okay, but I have seen ugly babies Oh that one looks like a ball sack. It's all wrinkly get the today Good Lord. Yeah, some of these are bumming me out. Nose job. The black one's not bad. Mom goes.

Starting point is 00:30:28 That one's cute. That's Beetlejuice from Howard Stern. That one will cute out. See, I feel like our kid looks like that one next to the grown man baby. There's Gillis. Like has that kind of look. Old man look. Oh wow, look at that. There's Gillis. Like, has that kind of look.

Starting point is 00:30:45 Old man look. Oh wow, look at that. Well it's a shame, because we would decide we're not gonna put the baby online, he's a private being, that's a adorable baby. That's a good looking kid. Yeah, that baby looks like an adult baby though. It looks like, he looks like he runs

Starting point is 00:30:57 like a law firm or something. But you have this thing where you're like, we're not putting the baby online, and then he comes out so goddamn adorable that you're like, I could really blow up my shit. I feel like I could sell some tickets. You could go to Baby Page. Yeah, you're like, we're not putting the baby online, and then he comes out so goddamn adorable that you're like, I could really blow up my shit. I feel like I could sell some tickets. You're going to baby page. Yeah, you're like, I really.

Starting point is 00:31:10 What about modeling? Would you be down for that? No. No. I just feel like there's so many weirdos in that world that I just, even as an adult, there's weirdos. Yeah, it's actually just weird, then you can recognize people's children. I just like watch that Nickelodeon doc

Starting point is 00:31:26 and you're like, they're just pedophiles all over, like you hate being like such right wing talking point of like QAnon, but you're like, there are just too many weirdos out there. There really are. Well, also you talk about this all the time when you go to Houston, you're like, oh, there's these two kids.

Starting point is 00:31:41 I know, yeah, it's like, I thought it was weird when Facebook started coming out, I would see my friend, she wasn't really in my circle of friends, but my graduating class was 900, but I knew her through soccer. And I saw her two boys just riding bikes around our neighborhood,

Starting point is 00:31:57 and I was like, it's so weird that I know their name and they know nothing about me. But I could just be like, oh, blah, blah, blah, get in the car, your mom, Julie, said, yeah. I didn't think about that. Like I know all this information about her. That's why I was like, I just think that's weird when you put your kids, you put so much information.

Starting point is 00:32:15 Yeah, you could really walk up and be like, hey Pete, I know how you love, you play Little League and you won your game two weeks ago. I know how much you love candy too if you wanna hop in real quick. Right, exactly. What your dad masturbates to, because I listen to all of his podcasts.

Starting point is 00:32:28 Right. Yeah. Hey, your mom puts a shoe in your dad's butt. Yeah. Grudgingly, but he still comes. That is true, that's, finding your dad's podcast is the new finding your dad's porn, because it's just like, you're gonna be like,

Starting point is 00:32:41 I love getting jizzed on by men, you know, that's gonna be a real. We have talked about that, like, you're gonna be like, I love getting jizzed on by men. That's gonna be a real. We have talked about that like soccer games and they're like, yeah, we've heard Joe's podcast. Right. Yeah. But we're all of our. It's gonna be pretty common, I think. Well, I took a job years ago at this financial firm.

Starting point is 00:32:59 It was really nice and this guy was like, hey, I heard you on Ari's podcast. And I was so mortified that this guy that I was, like this business dude that was proper that heard me on that podcast. But if he listens to Ari's podcast, he's probably okay. Good point. Totally, but at the same time you're like,

Starting point is 00:33:22 I don't wanna discuss what I talked about Yeah on the podcast well It's weird like we're gonna have like parent-teacher conferences, and they're gonna be like oh you don't shave your pussy that The principal's like were you in come town yeah Yeah, so that's a little weird yeah, that is weird not to mention the amount of Bad bad boy words with you. Oh yeah. Eh. It could be a kid's bar mitzvah.

Starting point is 00:33:49 They're like, I'm a big fan of Legion of Skanks. The rabbi loves that. Well, we have that right now. We're going down to the Cape, and my nephew is like, can I bring my girlfriend? We rented a house. And I'm like, yeah, sure. They're like 15.

Starting point is 00:34:03 But then you're like, if this girl's parents do a quick Google search, it's just me on our podcast being like, all right, fuck it kid, we'll see you next week. And they're like, what is this? That's true. Well, we had that one, my sister was like, I bought tickets for Joe's show, and I'm bringing mom with, and we had to put a kibosh on that.

Starting point is 00:34:22 Your mom? Yeah, because I was like, you can't hear Joe be like, come on your mom's tits. mom with and we had to put a kibosh on that. Your mom? Yeah. Oh boy. Because I was like, you can't hear Joe be like, come on your mom's tits. Yeah. You know, like you're saying. Well, it's hard because yet. She's not gonna get it.

Starting point is 00:34:33 And also she's like. She doesn't even get what I, I think she thinks I'm a sex worker. Oh, she doesn't even get fruit baskets. Right. Well, Sarah's mother is like, you know, quite sophisticated. She's like an intellectual British woman. Like I would never talk about fucking Sarah in front.

Starting point is 00:34:50 So we would have her come to a show and I'm like, yeah, in order to get my wife to come, I got to stick a thumb in her asshole. Yeah. And she's like, what? No, I don't think so. And we don't think if she watched on YouTube, it's like, at least you're removed from it or whatever.

Starting point is 00:35:04 Yeah. But just a lot and then seeing her're removed from it or whatever. Yeah. But just a lot and then seeing her after. And then dinner afterwards. Yes. Yeah. It's like we all have different versions of ourself. Like I'm not showing that side of me to a 72 year old British intellectual.

Starting point is 00:35:17 Yeah, of course. And on stage you're heightened and you're trying to be funny but you forget that people don't really talk like we talk in the real world. No. I dropped the C word around people that weren't comics thinking. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:28 You know, I just throw it out willy nilly and they were like offended. Oh, isn't that weird? It is, like they made me feel bad. Yeah. I was just like, but it's not that big of a deal. I was just kinda like, can we just pretend I'm in England?

Starting point is 00:35:42 Yeah. I tell this story, I tried to do it on stage, but one time I was at Starbucks and my app wasn't working and I was like, oh sorry, my app's being T. And the woman was like, oh. I was like, oh, so I just, man, I hang out with fucking animals. I'm kind of like shitty.

Starting point is 00:35:56 Nothing to me. No, I didn't get to talk on the phone. Yeah. I don't get offended whatsoever. But saying T in a work environment. She makes that face, now you're being. Yeah, don't you? Look at that face.

Starting point is 00:36:07 Don't be a twat. Yeah. But it's so true, I did a show in Louisiana, my whole family came, my mom, dad, cousins, aunt, uncle, it was brutal. I'm trying to clean it up in real time, I'm like, and that flipping cum shot, you know, like, oh, what am I doing?

Starting point is 00:36:24 And then we had dinner later and it was so quiet and weird, it was brutal. Damn, do you think they didn't enjoy it or they were just too proper? I think we just were waspy, you know, Gentiles in Louisiana, so we all just pretended it didn't happen and kept going and talked about Trump getting shot.

Starting point is 00:36:42 Well, that's what's weird too about clips sometimes. Like, we have a company that'll do clips for our podcast and they're like, let's throw this out there. And it's like, I'd rather come in a woman's face than have a man come in my face or whatever. And then you're like, well, my like sister-in-law and niece and aunt aren't listening to an hour of us talk but like Instagram, that'll pop up.

Starting point is 00:37:05 I know. And I'm like now I got my sister-in-law and brother-in-law being like, I guess he likes manges in his face or whatever. I wonder, you know who else do this? It's so true though, it's the worst fucking part and that's how they rope you in. I know, you know what most deals with is rappers.

Starting point is 00:37:22 You know, like you ever listen to like a Cardi B song, it's like then he put his dick in my ass, and I screamed Fast or whatever I can't rap but did they go to lunch. I guess they don't have parents rapper There's like made in a lab yeah, but those songs those Nicki Minaj and Megan the Yeah, but those songs, those Nicki Minaj and Megan thee stallion. She's pretty good. Is she? I'm not saying they're not talented,

Starting point is 00:37:48 I'm just saying it's filthy stuff. I mean, Wet Ass Pussy is the name of a song, that's the title. Who knows what's in the tune? Right. This is the oldest sounding you've ever been. Who knows what these kids are doing out there? Jive turkey.

Starting point is 00:38:03 So silly that it's not so offensive, but I remember like, Two Life Crew. Oh, filthy. Their songs would be like, bitch thought I was coming in her mouth, but I was just peeing, where I feel like. Whoa! It's also just rude.

Starting point is 00:38:17 It is rude, it's so rude. Yeah, not cool. Just disrespectful, but like, how do you hang out with your girlfriend's parents after you have that lyric? But I'm sure that's not their concern. Well that's ultimately the problem with the world we're living in.

Starting point is 00:38:33 And this happens also every once in a while when like I think Tracy Morgan got in trouble years ago. People say something in a comedy club or Louie and then it gets taken out and you're like, but that wasn't for everybody. That was for the people in this room. It's the same with the podcast. I'm like, this is for this group of people listening.

Starting point is 00:38:49 If you take this out and put it over in that other world, we look like psychopaths. That's crazy. Like I'm not, I don't want this in my mother-in-law's living room. No. This is for these virgins over here. My mom would say stuff to me like,

Starting point is 00:39:06 I saw this clip of you and I was really offended. I was like, well, it wasn't for you. Right. It was for someone else, but that's, you know. But in their world, it's on the internet. But I have to say- It's public. Yeah, of course.

Starting point is 00:39:16 I get annoyed when I have family members or people in my life tell me that, where I'm like, you could just keep that to yourself. Not my mom. Oh. She needs to tell me. And she I'm like, you could just keep that to yourself. Not my mom. Oh. She needs to tell me. And she'll start with, as your mother, I'm like, I know who you are.

Starting point is 00:39:30 I know it's coming. As your mother. I know it's coming. As a woman, I know you're a woman. Yeah. Damn, yeah. I know what you mean, I would love it if she kept it to herself.

Starting point is 00:39:38 We've had arguments over it. Yeah. But at least we have an outlet. I'd rather deal with some of this backlash and have awkward dinners with my folks every now and then than just keep it buttoned up for the rest of my life at some bank job. Oh, it's more fun to be outrageous.

Starting point is 00:39:52 Yeah, and it's just who we are. I don't even think we're trying to be that outrageous. No. I'm actually dialing it back. We're silly geese. Yeah. Can you imagine going through life in a cubicle and all that?

Starting point is 00:40:05 I mean, I used to work in corporate America. It was not easy. I need a clip of Mark farting on Yamanica and then being like, I'm dialing it back. This is the buttoned up me. I was gonna piss in her mouth. Imagine farting on Yamanica. Oh, it was terrifying.

Starting point is 00:40:22 She was not happy. I was, there was a risk. It was a real risk. It was a risk that paid off. Did you get rewarded? Oh, it was terrifying. She was not happy. It was a risk. It was a real risk. It was a risk that paid off. Did you get rewarded? Oh, she flipped. Oh, jeez. She flipped, but we got the clip.

Starting point is 00:40:33 That's fun. Yeah, Nate was another one did not like the fart. Oh, do you see that clip? I did, yeah. Woo! Yeah. Nate, no, that's not Nate's cup of tea. It's so funny, there's people that actually cannot stand farting. Oh, yeah. Well, Louie, I told you, Lou, no, that's not Nate's cup of tea. It's so funny, there's people that actually

Starting point is 00:40:45 cannot stand farting. Oh yeah. Well, Louie, I told you, Louie's, we've been close for a long time, I've never heard him fart, why? He's never once lifted a leg and been like, boop, and we were at the, like, Four Seasons, first night on the tour for Mark.

Starting point is 00:40:57 I'd been on the tour for a while, I got to know the man, and we were in his room, and Mark just went on his bed and rolled over, put both ankles, and just goes... And Louis was on the phone with room service ordering food like this. Yeah, that was tough. That's a hard bomb. There's a clip of Louis on the Daily Show back in the day where Louis was like,

Starting point is 00:41:18 if you don't find farts funny, there's something wrong with you. Thank you! Well, I think maybe he thought it was funny. I don't know, maybe he he was ordering you know. I think it was the bed. I'm on his bed. The bed and the fact that he's ordering food. Yeah and the legs akimbo. It's just like your poo particles everywhere. I was naked too. Well and at that point I think you guys had spent like 80 minutes together. Yeah. It wasn't like you were old pals. Yeah. You've taken some real fucking risks. Well, I'm a comedian. I love it. You take risks, but yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:47 That is a big swing. Well, remember that Curb episode where he's like, your wife, oh no, your kid, he's got a pretty big dick. And he's like, how could you say my kid has a big dick? He's like, you can say my wife has nice dick. And then later, Jeff is like, why would you say his kid's got a big dick? He goes, I took a risk.

Starting point is 00:42:03 And I've never related to a moment more in that show. I remember Colin not liking you from the get go at Whiplash. Winn didn't like you? Yeah, it was that fucked up. Well, because DiPaulo did Whiplash, if you can believe that. Wild.

Starting point is 00:42:13 What? Yeah. It's colliding. And then Mark went on after and was like, yeah, this fucking Italian, whatever, whatever you said. And Colin was like, who the fuck is this kid? Zinging Nick DiPaulo.

Starting point is 00:42:24 What, is he crazy? You don't do that? That's nuts. And he's like, fuck, fuck is this kid? Zinging Nick DePaulo, what is he crazy? You don't do that, that's nuts, and he's like, I hope this kid dies, but now, you guys are cool. Nick likes you too now, right? Oh yeah, we go way back. Big time. Yeah, we talk.

Starting point is 00:42:34 I've had some good calls, but I mean, now who knows where he is now. No, he's great. He's on the capital steps or what? Just kidding, Nick. Two of the kings. the kings probably is there I don't know he's listening to she's like I'm gonna fucking kill that kid Oh people will message me or what's wrong like you got to stop you can't have this man in your life He's good on Twitter every now and then like it'll zing Lewis or something, and it's pretty funny. Oh, he's great He's going to skank fest. Oh great. All right, I can't wait to see him. That'll be good.

Starting point is 00:43:05 I'll feel it out. I'll steer clear and I won't follow him. No, he loves you. He does. Oh, okay. He said so. Oh, all right. You guys got any peeves?

Starting point is 00:43:15 Yes. I got peeves. I got big peeves. I wrote down some peeves. I got one. I blew my wad on the last show, but I got a couple left. I think I got one.

Starting point is 00:43:24 How about this? And this is, people aren't a couple left. I think I got one. How about this? And this is, people aren't on my side, I'm in the minority here. Oh, I can't wait. And I don't know if this is a peeve, I don't understand these people, it bothers me, but it doesn't bother me, I'm unaffected by it, it's nice, let me just say it.

Starting point is 00:43:38 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Starbucks, I don't understand people that get in line at the Starbucks drive-thru when the, there's like 15 cars in the driveway Yeah, are in the drive-thru and my buddy's like let's go to the drive-thru because he's what it doesn't want to get out of The car I guess and I'm like no, let me go in he's like, I don't like going in I'm like just pull over so I like please park the car. I'll get out first of all I like the steps. I like the dopamine, the serotonin from having an interaction.

Starting point is 00:44:05 Agreed. And now what I do, the people are all, there's literally like 14 cars in line and I'll wave to the people as I'm walking in, get my drink, there's literally zero people inside. I leave with my tea and I knock on the window and go, huh? It's crazy, these people would rather sit in their car for 25 minutes just to not talk to anybody.

Starting point is 00:44:23 I'm with you. Yeah, it's not worth it. I don't get it. Or it's like the people that drive around looking for a parking spot, so they spend like 30 minutes when you could just park in the back and then five minutes to walk.

Starting point is 00:44:33 Oh yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. That doesn't make sense. I think to stem from COVID on some level, like the delivery guy used to have like the handoff, you gave him the money, remember back in the day? Yeah. And then COVID came and they just always left it at the door and then that just stuck. And I think people got used to have like the handoff, you gave them the money, remember back in the day? And then COVID came and they just always left the door

Starting point is 00:44:45 and then that just stuck. And I think people got used to like not any interaction. Interacting is a bummer because you gotta do a bullshit small talk, but I'm with you on this because I think people wanna sit in their car. They like the car. I noticed people will go get food in my neighborhood

Starting point is 00:45:01 and sit in their car and eat it. Which to me is so sad. Yeah, I'd rather stand on the sidewalk and eat it. But we do that on the road, we love it. We go to McDonald's drive through and then we park and eat. That's fun. Oh, okay, okay.

Starting point is 00:45:12 That I find, but this, I'm talking about- I'm talking about the parking lot of your work. I'm talking about the doing nowhere, yeah. Yeah, me and Salakus went to In-N-Out in LA and he wanted to do drive through and I said park it. The In-N-Out line is like a mile long in that driveway. God, that's a line, that's a real line. But Chick-fil-A's line's pretty good.

Starting point is 00:45:30 It moves quick. Oh, really? Yeah, it moves really quick. I just don't get it and I like getting out of the car, but Sarah, this is a thing that I have, this is a pet peeve with Sarah. I think this is psychotic, I tried to do it as a bit. People don't even understand. Please.

Starting point is 00:45:41 We used to take a bus, now we're doing pretty well, but we'd take a bus, the bus would pull into Burger King King to stop and I'd be like, alright, let's go. And she's like, nah, I'm gonna sit here. Oh, that's crazy. You don't want to get off the bus? That's wild. Well, I just... You're scared it's gonna pull away or something? I think that there's a slight anxiety with something like that. Don't take a cruise then. Yeah, and then I just always feel like there's nothing important inside for me. You get a soda. You don't wanna stretch, you don't wanna get air, like she's just breathing in bus air with her legs crushed.

Starting point is 00:46:13 I could probably drive in a car for days. Really? Yeah. I would actually sometimes not get out on those things. I was just always scared they're gonna leave you. But why do you stand in the aisle of the bus? I get that way with entering a show, going on stage. I feel like I have to be close to the stage.

Starting point is 00:46:31 I don't know what, I'm not one of those people that's still getting out of their car while being introduced. Like I can't. That's crazy. I can't have that. Yeah, how about those people who bring you up and they wait a little, they wanna absorb

Starting point is 00:46:44 some of that applause and they start walking slow and you're like, what are you doing? Get up there. How long do you expect these people to applaud you? You're not even famous. You're like a bullshit comic and they're like No one knows you. Yeah, I hate that. I also hate when comics do this. Oh, yeah. That drives me fucking crazy. What are you Hulk Hogan? How about when I did the LA Forum with Louis, this is like 10 years ago now, and Todd Glass was opening and he brought

Starting point is 00:47:12 up Louis and then while Louis came on stage they were giving a standing o, Todd stood behind him like doing this thing and Louis got really upset. After like 10 minutes Louis just looked back and realized that Todd was still back there being like For me? That's really funny Oh, it was so funny. He didn't get really upset. He was but he was like, what are you doing? That's like the problem's Louie I don't want to put it up there like he was mad but He doesn't like a good behind the back gag

Starting point is 00:47:36 We gotta have Louie on here and you have to fart on him at some point I promise I will But it was it's just funny though from Louie's perspective. He's like Made it to like the tippity, pointiest top of comedy. And now more people are doing arenas. Back then, like nobody was doing arena. He's at the LA Forum, sold out, they're going crazy, and his buddy's doing a gag.

Starting point is 00:47:57 I can see that. He's like goop trooping behind him. That is actually pretty infuriating. It's crazy, but also hilarious. Well, isn't it funny how comedians want to get laughs, but they don't want to be the butt? is actually pretty infuriating. It's crazy but also hilarious. Yeah. Well, isn't it funny how comedians want to get laughs but they don't want to be the butt? We don't want to be the butt of the joke real bad.

Starting point is 00:48:11 Of course. Yeah, well, it depends on what the butt is. That's true. I got to be in on it. But I guess that's the butt. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:18 No, there is a difference. I mean, like, because you're looking foolish in that situation. You don't want to look foolish. These are good peaves. I'm with you. You gotta get off the bus, get some air. But. We're not taking a lot of buses these days.

Starting point is 00:48:30 That's true. Thank you folks. The cruise though, I did a cruise, the Burt cruise, and we docked in the Bahamas. So you're like, I gotta go see the Bahamas. But you do have that crazy fear of that thing. Ooh, ooh. And you're like, no, it's pulling away,

Starting point is 00:48:45 and you're stuck on the Bahamas picking coconut. I sure as fuck didn't get off the one cruise I did. There you go. People did, I was like, I'm not, what if they pull away your passport's on the boat? It's like it takes forever to get off the cruise. Hmm, I think you bring the passport. It takes forever to get off the cruise,

Starting point is 00:49:01 and then to get back on again. I know. But a cruise is different, because a cruise, you have a bedroom, there's a pool. True. A bus, you're on a bus. True. It's insane, and then also you could at least

Starting point is 00:49:11 stand by the door. Right. You could stand outside, breathe in the air, and not have the sun hit your face. Yeah, that's a good point. They're both fair peeves. I think they're good peeves. Good peeves. I think so.

Starting point is 00:49:24 I might have more. Sarah, you got some peeves over there? Yeah, what do you. Good peeves. I think so. I might have more. Sarah, you got some peeves over there? Yeah, what do you got there, Stripey? Well, I don't know if it's much of a peeve, but we were just talking about like, you know in New York, when hotels have pools and they act like it's great,

Starting point is 00:49:35 and then they're like, it's just a strip of water, and I'm only allowed to be in here for 15 minutes and pay $100. It's like, have you guys been to other pool? I just don't, don't even offer it. That's my feeling. And you may as well be a lobster in a tank with all this space you get in there.

Starting point is 00:49:52 It's fucking embarrassing. I know, I like to like, I like to swim around and thrash. Like, I'm not there, I can't, I'm not the sexy girl at the pool. I'm not in a fancy or like a vanity bathing suit. Like I'm in my Speedo wanting to bounce the ball around. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, of course.

Starting point is 00:50:10 I wanna swim laps. Dude, best thing for a hangover is just swimming laps. You feel so good after. No, the best thing is not drinking in the first place. Don't drink in the crowd. You stay in school. I said for a hangover. It is, because that used to be my hangover cure.

Starting point is 00:50:25 And it has to be cold water too. Cold water. You gotta be cold water. Oh my God, it's the best. Barton Springs was always good for that. Texas gal. But yeah, I hate a place that passes off something that's supposed to be cool. I don't think I've ever been to one.

Starting point is 00:50:40 I went to, I had a- TWA one and I had a- I was like, can we just be honest? Sarah's talking about your birthday party No, my friend also showed me one in Midtown She's like I was thinking maybe this could be fun and then we were just talking about like logistically Probably not. Yeah, well they gave me smaller. I mean, there's some some real it's like a tub Right a rectangle this big you're hanging out with strangers. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, you get a toe in basically It's like I like to go to a story pool,

Starting point is 00:51:05 but they've made it so many rules. Like you have to have a lining in your bathing suit. You have to take a shower. You're not allowed to bring your- What do you mean a line? Like for a lining. A net. They check it. Like you can't come in with a leotard.

Starting point is 00:51:17 It's like Ellis Island over there. Where you might be naked. You have to wear a swim cap in those things too? No, but you have to take a quick shower. You're not allowed to bring your camera. You can't bring a towel. That's horrendous. It's where, but then when you do go,

Starting point is 00:51:30 you're like, I kinda understand why there are rules because even with that amount of rules, it's still chaos. I believe it. It's weird, I used to go to the rec center constantly and swim there, and it's dude, all the old Asian dudes, and a lot of just old people who like, who are there every day and somehow still fat.

Starting point is 00:51:45 I'm like, I thought this was the healthier thing you could do, and you're looking at these guys' body, you look like a fucking jellyfish. There are certain accounts I watch where they put their workout videos all the time, and I'm like, it's been five years and I have not seen results from this person. What are you doing?

Starting point is 00:52:01 That was an old George Carlin bit about what's his toes, the guy that just died, Richard Simmons. He's like, Richard Simmons is proof you can work out all day every day and still look like shit. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha was a walker, his holding was walking and he died walking. He had a heart attack. What's that guy's name? I can't think of it. Forrest Gump? Dead man walking.

Starting point is 00:52:29 Yeah. Walker. He did die. Maybe he flipped his car. His holding was like the walking guy. That was like saying you gotta get out and walk, you gotta get steps and then he died, got a heart attack while walking. I always think that with these people that talk about longevity, I'm like, you shouldn't talk about longevity until you're like 90.

Starting point is 00:52:47 True. Because now that you're 38, being like this is how you live a long life, you're gonna look like a jackass if you die. Yeah. I know. And it happens, some of those guys have heart attacks. Wait, there's a lot of those guys that are really into biohacking,

Starting point is 00:52:58 and I look at them like, you look so gross. Oh, really? Like that one guy who's harvesting his son's blood. What? Do you know that one? He's like, yeah, he takes transfusion of his young son's blood and interjects it into, or injects it into himself. Hey, that's not bad.

Starting point is 00:53:17 Wow. He looks like, shit. I'll be right back. He looks like a vampire. Pull him up. Biohack. I think that is the guy. Meet Biohack blood-injecting billionaire.

Starting point is 00:53:30 Is the kid cool with it? Or is he doing it while he's sleeping? I don't know, but it just seems like some wild billionaire. It feels like a 30 Rock story. Oh, I have seen this guy. Yeah. Yeah, he's too smooth. Yeah, it's a little weird.

Starting point is 00:53:44 It's like the plastic. He's like this guy. Yeah. Yeah, he's too smooth. Yeah, it's a little weird. It's like like an Android. Yes Also, I Imagine dating someone like that. How old is a How old is he he's 50 something maybe he looks good Wow Yeah, but he's too smooth 46 is your age. It's weird to be this obsessed with it. Yeah No, definitely not fun This guy's a nightmare to hang out with I guarantee you and this guy probably goes to battle like 7 p.m. Yeah, oh My god is that grandpa?

Starting point is 00:54:21 Jesus Christ these guys are all fucking yeah looks sexual It does look a little funky Jesus Christ, these guys are all fucking guaranteed. Yeah, it looks sexual. It does look a little funky. I think Matt Riefs is touching his stomach. That's a sexual move for sure. Yeah, too intimate. Is he a billionaire? Did it say billionaire?

Starting point is 00:54:39 Gotta be. I'm like, what's his belly? Yeah, what is that touching his belly there? Well, I think this is the guy, too, that eats like 1,975 calories a day, and he eats the same thing at the same time every day. Sometimes you talk to these people, they get ripped up, and they're like,

Starting point is 00:54:54 I eat three grapes at 2 PM, and at 9 PM, I eat a bag of salad, and I go to bed at 10,01. You're like, but you're not living a life. No, that's true. You're living long, but We all died 63 Oh a rotisserie chicken to get way less you I loved or to three I do too but it's like to be like sorry guys. I gotta leave I gotta eat my chicken. I remember that yeah

Starting point is 00:55:21 Alright, let's repeat That worse oh here he is with some Kardashians Yeah. All right, I'll put this for a P. Ah, that works. Oh, here he is with some Kardashians. Man, that guy is smooth. Yeah, what's your P of? Well, this one's kind of easy and hacky and we've all seen it, but it happened to me so bad the other day that I couldn't... The lady at the restaurant who orders a ton of shit on the menu

Starting point is 00:55:44 and has to take a photo of every food item. Drives me fucking crazy. You're hanging out with Gary Veeder? Oh, he does that? Yes. Oh my God, like I couldn't eat. She's like, hold on, hold on. It was like six of us at a restaurant.

Starting point is 00:55:57 And she's like laying it all out. So then she stood up on the chair and did one of these to get all of it. I wanted to kill her, I wanted to eat the food. Everything came out, she had to get up, hold up. Does she have a blog? Is she a person or she just wants to remember? It was pretty, it was a very pretty presentation.

Starting point is 00:56:14 I think she just wanted it. We were at this dim someplace in Midtown. Yeah, really good dim. Yeah, that's what I ordered. And the food was great, but it was very cool looking and they'd open it and smoke would come out and all that shit. They're inviting it, they're teasing it.

Starting point is 00:56:34 Yeah, they want that. It's free promo. It's Instagramable. Exactly. Oftentimes I take a lot of photos because I just want to have the memory to remember the thing. But she's slowing down the meal.

Starting point is 00:56:45 Yes. But not letting anyone else touch it is crazy. Yeah, like imagine if you were in an orgy and you're like, let me get those tits. Like, no, I want to squeeze them. Right, right, just get in there and lick them and eat them. Right, so they ruin the whole sum. Yeah, I hear that.

Starting point is 00:56:59 It's dim. I hear the, but yeah, if you're not allowed to touch the food, I think that's goofball. That was the problem. Get some candids. Yeah, take all the food as you want, but let me eat normally. I had to wait and be like, you good?

Starting point is 00:57:11 Wait, am I all right? Can I go in on the dumps now? So that was a problem. Yeah, I don't like that one bit. And I guarantee she won't even post anything. I think she's just like, you never know. Right. We'll see.

Starting point is 00:57:24 I got one. I don't know, did I do this one yet key word. We'll see. I got one. I don't know, did I do this one yet, man? Let me know if I did this. But I'm in the bathroom, in a public bathroom, and there's a guy peeing from like six feet away from the urinal. I don't care for that.

Starting point is 00:57:33 Wait, far back? Yeah, far back. That could be fun, though. Quite a stream on that. Yeah, easy Steph Curry. I mean, it's like, it annoyed me. I was like, I don't wanna see your fucking dick. Was it a good pee stream?

Starting point is 00:57:44 Yeah, it was very- It has to be. Healthy? Of course course he was launching it from fucking 30 feet Yeah, and a hook shot. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like that. I get right in there I'm like all the way in and I also need you have to be I do yeah, absolutely I block this side with this hand and I block with this I don't want anyone seeing my dick and it's not that I'm embarrassed by my dick even though my dick is embarrassing. I just wanna be considerate. I don't want anyone to have to see my dick.

Starting point is 00:58:11 Oh, interesting. It's for them. It's for them, exactly. I see. Same at the gym. I go towel and then I pull it down because it's like no one needs to see my dick. I don't know why you guys get that.

Starting point is 00:58:20 In the girls restroom, we're not peeing openly next to each other. You guys are like pampered in the women's room. Right, like I don't know why it's different for you guys, like who created peeing openly next to each other? Well, it's very efficient. Well, men are all about in and out efficiency. It's not about feelings or privacy. Our line does move.

Starting point is 00:58:38 But I heard this statistically, Ariel Elias has a joke is because something about you guys don't wash your hands. Matters that. No. Who does? Not after urinating. No. I do.

Starting point is 00:58:50 What? You're a lady. Especially in public restroom. But yeah, that's right. I have brought up like- It depends on the public. If it's an airport bathroom, you ought to believe I wash my hands. Wrigley still has this, by the way.

Starting point is 00:58:59 Oh yeah. Wrigley Field still has a trough. It's fucking insane. It's pretty gross. Oh, it's horrible. I'm a stall guy. Doesn't it splash up? What's that? Doesn't it splash up? Urinals still has the Trump. It's fucking insane. It's pretty gross. Oh, it's horrible. I'm a stall guy. Doesn't it splash up? What's that?

Starting point is 00:59:06 Doesn't it splash up? You know it'll splash all the time. My shorts were all splashy the other day. Yeah, that's embarrassing. But you get to an age, I don't even care. I got pee spots everywhere, splash. I'm like, what are you gonna do? Do you just pretend they're like islands?

Starting point is 00:59:17 Yeah, every night I take my pants off and Sarah's like, you got a huge pee spot. Looks like Hawaii. Australia. Yeah, it's massive. Different state every night. Yeah, we did. Is that New Jersey?

Starting point is 00:59:27 One night I did Alaska, I think I drank too much. Philippines. Now see, I have a theory. You go to some towns and there's these urinals. See the white ones there with the red, was that red writing, to the right. Oh yeah. You see those all over, like very white towns.

Starting point is 00:59:46 You get the partition in mixed town. Because I think black guys came in and you had to, you can't compete. You don't wanna see the dick. You don't wanna see the dick and you don't want him seeing yours. He's coming in there with that thing, with a fucking magnum light.

Starting point is 01:00:01 Not a bad theory. This is one of the great conspiracy theories I've heard in a while. I could get behind it. I don't think so because I was at two different Chicago airports over the weekend and neither had them and that's a diverse city. Yeah. Absolutely, yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:13 But that's, I think it's newly diverse. I don't think they've upgraded. Deep in Alabama. That's all white. Okay. There's no partition in deep Alabama. Check it out, get your head on when you go to these towns and I guarantee you there's no partition in Salt Lake City.

Starting point is 01:00:29 Well the partition also now, now I'm seeing some higher at the airport. They need them high, because it's the face that bothers me. It's not the dick. I don't like your face so close to my face. I get that. I want a full.

Starting point is 01:00:40 But dick showing. Yeah, exactly. Have it just up here. A glory hole. there's a little flag now i've had this before have you ever had this now i urinate this is a clear partition that looks like asian like gotta be or something yeah they're blocking the wrong part right i like to pee in a stall because i like my privacy and i got a bad head dick connection i can't what do you call my wires are crossed uh stage fright. Stage fright, yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:06 So I go in the stall. I have this ADD though too. I like to focus, like I'll just be pissing sometimes and my girlfriend will come in and just talk and I'm like, I can't listen to your day while pissing. Nah. We're similar pissers, you make me feel better. I remember when we went to the movies that time

Starting point is 01:01:17 and you had to keep pissing and it makes me feel better. Oh, I pee non-stop. Pull up the PJ Clarks urinals, these are kind of fun. Whoa! What the hell? I don't wanna ride it. Have you seen these? These are like the iconic New York urinals. That looks like a Segway.

Starting point is 01:01:32 Have you seen them? Oh, those are classic, yeah, yeah. Those are kind of fun, right? That's like pre-Civil Rights. Yeah. What's it called? It still has that, McSorley's has ones like that. Yes. McSorley's is cool.

Starting point is 01:01:42 Yeah, I love McSorley's. That's a lot of piss I've been on those urinals. Can we you want to bits? Sure, Oh Rex. Oh, I got a good movie wreck. They do you guys are movie a big movie couple. Yeah Okay, I'd never seen this the 90s kind of Western noir. Just watched the other day. It's called Lone Star It's a John sales movie. It's with Chris Cooper. It's fucking incredible. I don't know Lone Star. It's a John Sayles movie, it's with Chris Cooper. It's fucking incredible. I don't know Lone Star. I loved it.

Starting point is 01:02:08 I like Chris Cooper. It's a great cast. Awesome guy. Young McConaughey is in it. Remake? No, no, it's such a good script. It's like, and it's. Oh, 1952.

Starting point is 01:02:21 Oh, it was a movie in 1952? But that might be a totally different Lone Star. It's a common term. Was it a Texas cop? It's good, yeah. And it's a story about his dad. Yeah, he's got a hot 92 on Von Tomatoes. That says 91, but we'll let it slide.

Starting point is 01:02:37 Sorry, it was still good. Yeah, good cast, good movie. I like Chris Christopherson. Oh, I love Christopherson. Who else you got there? Joe Morton? Elizabeth P Oh, I love Christopherson. Who else you got there? Joe Morton. Elizabeth Pena, I don't know her. Rhett Storman.

Starting point is 01:02:49 She was in La Bamba. Oh, I know her. In Rush Hour, she died very young. Uh-huh. She did. Yeah, great dude. I highly recommend it. All right, I wanna check this out.

Starting point is 01:02:58 I love a western. I'm a big western, I love the 90s. It's real good. 96? Okay, what, can you give me a little premise, plot? Yeah, it's basically he's the town sheriff and his dad was the town sheriff before him and there was kind of a, they discover a body

Starting point is 01:03:14 and they think it's the body of this other sheriff and they think maybe his dad was the murderer and his dad has a spotless reputation and certain things come to light. Oh, baby. It's a slow burn the way it unravels, but it's, man, it's like the construction is so good, there's so many characters,

Starting point is 01:03:29 and they all kind of serve a purpose. It's great. I'm on it. It's an old school, like it's very literary. It's old school and it feels like, I don't think it's based in a book, but it feels like, I love movies that feel like books in a good way.

Starting point is 01:03:42 Yeah. Isn't it crazy that like there's just movies that just slip through the cracks? This is one of them dude, but I looked it up, it's got like high audience and critic score and it's, I bought it, I just bought it on a DVD because I heard it was really good. And-

Starting point is 01:03:58 That's a good feeling when you buy it off a shot and it turns out great. Yeah, one of the, there's so many good noirs in the 90s that I just didn't know about. Like, one of the ones I wrecked on here was The Simple Plan. I fucking love them. Great movie. Oh, I love Simple Plan. Yeah, it's like that type of forgotten awesome movie.

Starting point is 01:04:14 I watched Simple Plan recently, Sam Raimi. I saw that in the theaters, I loved it. Whoa. It's incredible. Yeah, what do you got, what's your wreck? I got two big fat movie wrecks. And maybe right in the pooper. One new, one old, maybe you've seen it, documentary called Flipside.

Starting point is 01:04:29 Do you know about Flipside? Chuck, our podcast producer, sent me the trailer. Pull up a little bit of this trailer. Can you show a trailer? It's new. This movie has all kinds of feel. It's about a record store, but also about a midlife crisis, about art and creating art. You guys will really relate and connect. It's unbelievable. It's emotional. It's beautiful.

Starting point is 01:04:55 Oh, I can't wait. I don't know if we're allowed to show this. This is the whole movie. What town? It's out in Jersey. It's 1993. I'm 22 years old and I never leave the house without my high-end camera. A multiple award-winning documentary called The Target Shoots First. Documentarian Chris Wilcheth joins us this morning. Morning. Morning. Slick TV commercial. Oh wow. Yeah, it's all about, I mean, it's just really amazing.

Starting point is 01:05:33 It comes all about midlife crisis and creating art. Wow. It's just really beautiful. You gotta deal with Judd, but. It's a goddamn thing that you think about. But it's all about this guy who created Deadwood is in there. There's this jazz photographer in there. It's this guy.

Starting point is 01:05:51 There's so much going on. It's so well done. It's like a masterpiece. Wow. All based on this guy who owns a record store. But it makes you nostalgic. He looks like Kurt Metzger. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:04 So it starts about a record store, but he actually goes inward on himself. Yeah, so basically this guy, he's a big, famous commercial director, and then he did, what's this show called? Who's the guy on fucking, ugh. My mind is mushed now. Hit me with it.

Starting point is 01:06:21 Not PBS, but NPR. Ira Glass. Ira Glass, he directed Ira Glass's show, and he kind of feels like he becomes a sellout, but then he's this beautiful artist. Yeah, he did the TV show. Oh, okay. That was really good.

Starting point is 01:06:34 It is a beautiful film, I had Matt Wayne watch it, he's like, I was crying the whole time, I had to have the feels, it's beautiful. I can't wait, I'll watch it tonight. Must watch. And the other one, maybe you saw this film, French film Tell No One. It's good. No, I never heard of it.

Starting point is 01:06:48 2008. I'll just give you the poster, the quote. The blurb. Eight years ago, his wife was murdered. This is based on a book by Harlan Coban, right? Maybe. I read this one. Yeah, it's a good book. Get this.

Starting point is 01:07:01 Eight years ago, his wife was murdered. Today, she emailed him. Yeah, yeah. It's a book. That's a sl book. Get this. Oh yeah, yeah. Eight years ago, his wife was murdered. Today, she emailed him. Yeah, yeah. This is a book. Woo! Huh? That's a slug right there. It's something, there's tits, there's murder,

Starting point is 01:07:11 there's thrill, there's tits. I love it. It is, this is a, and I didn't realize how many people had seen this movie, because I posted it and like 50 people were like the best. How about that one scene? 93%. Whoa.

Starting point is 01:07:22 I'm gonna check it out. Yeah, this guy writes like, just, he's written like 50 books or something. He just burns them out. He's like, you see his shit at the airport all the time, but he just, all this stuff is like the twists are crazy. Yeah. Oh, it's really awesome.

Starting point is 01:07:36 Lot of twists and fantastic. Yeah, so those are my two movie wrecks. Good wrecks, good wrecks. I'm gonna watch this movie. I'm gonna watch them both. Yeah, please. Sarah, you got a wreck? I only have one wreck and I can't remember the name of the movie.

Starting point is 01:07:51 Perfect. We'll figure it out. We watched it together so you can maybe, it's got Anne Hathaway in it. She's big. And she works, she gets hired to work at a- Devil Wears Prada. No, at a, like a prison.

Starting point is 01:08:04 Prison. a therapist. And it's set in like the, it's a tiny. We watched this? I think we watched it, and has a good, Eileen. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's based on a book too. And I like the twist, I wasn't expecting it, and it was really good, it's dark.

Starting point is 01:08:20 Slow burn, dark, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. That's good, 82, we're dropping off a little for Sarah's pick, but she yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. That's good. 82, we're dropping off a little for Sarah's pick, but she's a woman, you gotta scale. I don't get to watch a lot of stuff these days because I'm just watching our kid. Yes.

Starting point is 01:08:34 Boy, she's a good looking lady, huh? Oh, absolutely. She was great in this. You see her cans in broke back. That's why I watch it all the time. Pull them up. As if they were to be like, to make up for all this gay shit.

Starting point is 01:08:44 Yeah, yeah, here's some tips. Here's a nice set of big juicy cans. Yeah, I. As if they were to be like, to make up for all this gay shit. Yeah, yeah. Here's some tips. Nice set of big juicy cans. Yeah, I hear she's a nightmare to hang out with, but great jugs. Yeah, that movie was good. That's my rec. Good one.

Starting point is 01:08:56 I gotta tell you, I just watched Going Clear, I've been on a Give Me. The good one. That's a good one. Love Give Me. Yeah, although, did you see the Paul Simon? Yeah. Snooze Fest. But. Yeah, although you see the Paul Simon. Yeah snooze fest

Starting point is 01:09:06 But yeah, it wasn't the best wasn't the best but that's work is catching hell the 30 for 30 about Bartman That's like his best movie. Oh, man. It's amazing. Oh, it's the best 30 for 30. Really? Well, you you guys both watched the Pete Rose. Yeah, it was awesome. It was good I got a lot sir Gibney's daughter. We worked with on a short film. She was at NYU. She was like- She did DP, right? Yeah, she was doing DP work, yeah. Double penetration.

Starting point is 01:09:30 Right, that's what she was doing. Yep. Hey. I don't know if you see that. That should've made me laugh that hard. No, that was just sitting there. But- Gibney rules.

Starting point is 01:09:40 That Gonzo doc is awesome also. Oh yeah, that's great. You want a- I just love a good doc. You ever seen the exit to the gift shop? Oh yeah, that's great. Love a good doc. You ever seen the exit to the gift shop? Oh yeah. Did you watch Tickled? That was really fast. Yeah, that was fun.

Starting point is 01:09:51 Tickled was great, yeah. That's another one. That's a weird one, right? It was good. I like a doc where it begins, they are working on this, and then they take a hard left and get sidetracked with this other project. Yeah, I like that one.

Starting point is 01:10:02 By the way, new doc coming, Tom Dustin, portrait of a comedian coming soon. Portrait of a comedian. Where can we see it? It's gonna be, we're gonna do a screening in New York, trying to do October. We're making, it's in the works right now. I just had a talk today.

Starting point is 01:10:15 We're gonna try to get it, you guys gotta come and check it out. But probably in October. You're in there, you're in there for a second. I'm taking it. And we got into a big festival that we can't announce yet, but that's exciting. I think it's gonna play at Skank Fest.

Starting point is 01:10:30 And then maybe it'll go on Punch Up, but you guys are on Punch Up. Punch Up is great, follow us all on Punch Up, PunchUp.live, slash all of our names, PunchUp.live, slash joelist. Sarah, you on it as well? No. It's great.

Starting point is 01:10:42 I'm thinking about it with my special with the YouTube monetization. Ah. Punchup.live slash Mark Norman, Punchup.live slash Sam Uriel, all our tour dates, a bunch of extra stuff. And yeah, I'm pumped to see the stock, man. Yeah, I think it's really good.

Starting point is 01:10:55 I mean, obviously I think it's good. It's like your baby looking cute, but I think it's really good. I think there's some emotion. There's a lot of standup. It's about regret and sobriety and friendship. And Tom is just hilarious. You guys know Tom. He's the funniest guy. Hilarious. And then Key West is a character

Starting point is 01:11:09 itself. Now what about this piece of garbage is DP work? Yep. Ah, were you able to- Salacus was great. I mean, yeah, Salacus was great obviously. Yeah, of course. He was awesome and Salacus was a big part of it.'s an associate producer he did great he had he interviewed me and I was annoyed asking me I'm like what are you doing I don't want to be interviewed and it ended up being like a key part that we needed in there so I'm just a great travel partner Salacuse so it was a three-man operation with me Patrick Holbert and Salacuse and Patrick Holbert by the way shout out to him wonderful comedian and if you ever need video stuff leave this sh shithole, he's the best.

Starting point is 01:11:47 I mean, he is the top of the line. Matt didn't smile, I feel weird now. Yeah, he's a tough nut to crack. But yeah, it's a real passion project, and it cost me more money than I want Sarah to know, but it's really good, I think. In the grand scheme of movie making, pretty cheap. Yeah, yes.

Starting point is 01:12:07 It costs a lot less than Jurassic Park, but it's coming straight out of my wallet, for God's sakes. But I think with those ways, we might be able to make it back maybe pretty. And also, if you haven't seen Joe's movie, I'm sure a lot of you have seen it, but Fourth of July, that Sarah's also in, great movie. Oh yeah, where's that at?

Starting point is 01:12:23 Where is that, Louisite? It's on everything now. It's on streaming. I think it's on Amazon now. Oh, how cool's that at? Where is that, Loui's site? It's on everything now. It's on streaming. I think it's on Amazon now. Oh, how cool is that? Yeah, I think it went everywhere now. It got a nice little bump from that. Do you get like a nickel?

Starting point is 01:12:32 I guess that goes to Loui. No, we never recuperated our money. Look at those scores, huh? But the audience score is like 88% or something like that. Worse than Eileen. Yeah, look at that, 89% box office. Yeah, well you were, I think, getting criticized for something else too.

Starting point is 01:12:49 That wasn't entirely fair. Oh, 89, yeah. We were on a curve. Yeah, I thought it was terrific. Oh, thanks. Everybody liked it, that saw it. And what was I gonna say about that movie, I forget. But yeah, it's everywhere now, you can go check that out.

Starting point is 01:13:04 Boy, they throw that box office USD right up there, don't they? Yeah. Good Lord. They really kinda nailed it. Yeah, but you know what? If you look at some other movies that had like a big production behind it,

Starting point is 01:13:18 some of them are making that amount. Oh, we beat the Leonard Cohen doc that came out the same week. That was a good doc too. Yeah, yeah. We've got more money on that. But no, I'm not making any money on it, but I made money because I made like union money,

Starting point is 01:13:31 but Louie hasn't recuperated his money, but I think he will eventually at some point. Yeah, yeah. Same thing happened with a horse and Pete. I think everybody was like, what the fuck is this thing? And then he sold it for millions to FX or something. Yeah, but it was awesome. And then while we're plugging, can I just do a,

Starting point is 01:13:45 I have one big show coming up. I feel like you guys have a lot of New Yorkers. November 9th, Town Hall. Oh! New York City, it's a big deal. I'm doing all these other clubs, you just find all my dates at Punch Up, but Town Hall, November 9th, very excited about that.

Starting point is 01:13:58 Buy tickets, guys. And, uh. That's gonna be big, that's gonna sell out. I hope so. So we got a nice chunk, but I gotta fill it up. November night, town hall, during the New York Comedy Festival. And yeah, those are my main.

Starting point is 01:14:11 You think you got a hot new 50? Yeah, I'm shooting in October. We just had that come. Wow. What the hell? You keep pumping it out. Well, I'm trying. Wow.

Starting point is 01:14:23 But yeah, so do that. And then why? Where are you gonna shoot? I think zany's Rosemont are you definitely doing it or not sure I'm pretty sure yeah pretty sure I'm actually gonna shoot downtown and Rosemont and then either maybe cut it together, but at least have one and then have some for bonus. I love it I just like I like clubs I like I like doing the clubs. And Louis always said, he's like,

Starting point is 01:14:46 you should shoot your special in the venues that you're doing. It's like I do the Wilbur, and I'm doing town hall, and I did a big room in Chicago before, but I'm like, I don't wanna be the guy that comes out in a stadium, but I'm like, I like the club, club guy. Some specials, I'm like,

Starting point is 01:14:59 this looks like it was filmed in an airplane hangar. Oh, for sure. Yeah, those ones that kinda shot in like studios. What a weird place to shoot this. And that Regan improv, whichever one that is. It's one of the great. I walked to the moon, my number one all time. Yeah, one of the great specials,

Starting point is 01:15:13 and you feel like you're at the club. I love it, yeah. Yeah, so I'm excited, we'll see. What do you got, Tolemash? I got my special coming out, that one's old. I should update my website. God, you look gorgeous, Sarah. September 5th, shot at Grove 34. I was almost like nine months pregnant.

Starting point is 01:15:32 Wow, fun. Yeah, it's called But Whole Money. It's coming out September 5th. But Whole Money. Watch it. Sarah's a great joke writer, and I love her jokes. Definitely watch this special. Yes, good comic.

Starting point is 01:15:46 Another one already up. I feel like the jokes are more fun than I usually get to do. Oh, all right. You wanna do a bit or should we just do days? Oh, sorry, I started prematurely. I think I used all my bits on the last show on four. I didn't think about it, sorry.

Starting point is 01:16:01 Can I try one? I wanna try this tonight. I got a thing too. I just wanna try it tonight. Is this anything that it's a quick one my girlfriend always cleans my apartment And then complains I don't hire a cleaning lady. She said why don't you hire a cleaning lady? I'm like with the same reason I'm gonna prostitute you're crushing it I'll try it tonight. I just want to run one. Yeah, no, that's hilarious. I'm gonna try it tonight. Yeah, it's funny That's really funny. Ah think of this. Yeah

Starting point is 01:16:21 Yeah, it's funny. That's really funny. Think of this. Yeah. Nah, I'll give it a shot. I just want to make sure it's not trash. No, no, that's good. This kills, but I don't know where to go or what to add with it,

Starting point is 01:16:33 but this is a true story. I was walking through the airport and a guy walked by and just pointed like this. He goes, comedian. I'm like, oh, thank you. I don't know. Like, that's the level I'm at. People don't say like, I love you or you're hilarious

Starting point is 01:16:44 or my name. He just pointed like literally like this, comedian. And I'm like, oh thank you, I don't know. That's the level I'm at. People don't say, I love you, you're hilarious, you're my name, they just point, literally, like this comedian. And I'm like, oh, all right. Did they do that with a lawyer? Yeah, yeah, I tried, I'm like, yeah. Pilot, accountant. But yeah, that was funny thing that happened.

Starting point is 01:16:57 Have you tried just that? No, I've done it a few times and it gets a huge laugh, but then you're just one of those things where you're like, all right, that's the end of that. Yeah, I like the line, that's the level I'm at is funny. Right, right. I'm not getting an oh my God. Right, right.

Starting point is 01:17:13 Yeah, and you're not. The knowledge of what I do for a living. Don't even want a photo. Yeah. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever guess what he does? That could be a funny follow-up. Do you want a photo?

Starting point is 01:17:21 I'm good. Yeah, yeah, no, I know who you are. Do you guess what he does? Yeah, maybe that could be something. Oh, yeah. Alcoholic. What'd he look like? Just a guy, I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. No, I know you guess what he does. Yeah, maybe that could be Oh, yeah What do you look like? Just a guy I mean it was like literally like he was moving fast like he looked like I mean He looked like a hundred percent of the people that know who I am like a 38 year old guy in a hoodie with some stubble

Starting point is 01:17:36 Maybe it's the nicest thing anyone has said to you that just walking by you know, it's usually like homo Fuck you. Yeah, piece of shit tiny dick. Yeah, okay, come here. You're like. I'll take it. Just remember We had a kid here. That's not weird. Oh, right. I was gonna forget that you're like We have a baby in the other room. Someone watching it. He's in the car There's a moment you like you hate to come out there, and you're like he's just bleeding It's only like 78. Yeah, can you crack a window in the car all right? Maybe I got I got one that's similar, but it's got no ending. Oh perfect. Yeah, can you crack a window in the car? All right, maybe I got one that's similar but it's got no ending.

Starting point is 01:18:06 Oh, perfect. Okay, sorry. So I got this idea where I saw a guy puke on the subway car, like puked right on it. A guy saw it, he puked. Cause you know, he's like, oh, you know, and then I got a whiff and I almost yacked and I thought it's weird to puke,

Starting point is 01:18:22 he makes you have to puke. And I thought, why can can orgasms be like that? And that hits and then I go that would actually make the guy rubbing around the subway like a good thing You know now you see a guy like rubbing out you're like look at this piece But then I don't know where to go so I got the two laughs there and then another Well, I would start rubbing it out too in order to get an orgasm Like it's only smell, right? Oh.

Starting point is 01:18:46 Like what are you, yeah. I guess I went off smell, it's just like, I saw a guy puke. But yeah, orgasm. Why? Yeah, that's a good point. I would go the other way though, like then a guy jerking off to the subway

Starting point is 01:18:57 would really be a problem. Oh! Now we're all showing up at work with cum in our pants. Maybe that's true, yes. Like now, cause that's kinda also funny to downplay what a problem it is, it's not really a problem for me. A guy jerking off to the subway, I'm just like, wow, whatever, I think. Like now, that's kind of also funny to downplay what a problem it is. It's not really a problem for me. A guy jerking off the subway, I'm just like,

Starting point is 01:19:08 wow, whatever, I'll look the other way. But in that case, I'd be like, oh, my pants are ruined. That's better. I shouldn't have worn white pants. Right, right. Well, everyone will want to ride the subway now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone will.

Starting point is 01:19:18 We'll pay our debt back. I'm just downstairs at the 42nd Street subway all day waiting for a guy to start jerking off. Right, I'll break my wife. She can finally get off. Yeah, that's really funny. I like that it's a problem more. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:29 Because I went with, hey, this is great. Right. But that's less funny. Okay, okay. But the whole idea though of puke making you puke and cum making you cum is funny. Yeah, I like the turn. All right, anything mom?

Starting point is 01:19:40 This one recently, I don't know if it's kind of hacky, but I feel like no one's talked about this part of it. Do you know when you buy coffee and then the barista is, or the person that registers like, okay, I'm just gonna turn the iPad around and it's gonna ask you a question, where I'm like, why do they act like they don't know what the question is?

Starting point is 01:19:59 Oh, yeah. It's a tip, right? Yeah, it's the tip, but why are they, just like you know, it's beyond their control. Like we don't know what this thing does. It makes us, I don't know. What did it say? Did it call you a c***?

Starting point is 01:20:12 Yeah. I just act like it asked me how many like sexual partners I've had. Right, right. I'd rather that than the tip. 18, 18, yeah. That's funny. Do you swallow?

Starting point is 01:20:21 All right, all right. Just let me give you 15% to move on. Or then I've just thought about like, I also have an iPad, and it's gonna ask a few questions. You flip yours over. So, that's just like two iPads talking to each other. But I just get annoyed that they don't have the balls

Starting point is 01:20:36 to say it's going to ask you for a tip. Right. Yeah. I like that. To ask you a question is very... Like, what? It's vague. No accountability. Yeah. Right, right.

Starting point is 01:20:46 Cause I accidentally tipped somebody on the Upper East at one of these, where they just grab your thing for you and it was so expensive and Joe was like, what are you doing? No, I was like, no, no, no, no, we don't wanna do that. I just think it was like people pleasing, like automatically, just like 20 and just like, no. And the guy couldn't return the.

Starting point is 01:21:03 It already went through. Oh. It was literally a bodega where you get your own food and just like no and the guy couldn't return the It already went through It was literally a bodega where you get your own food and hand it to the guy and then he scans it and then Sarah tipped 20% and it was the upper east so it was like 40 bucks so we kept like It was like granola yogurt It was $8 Oh And they get used to it then if you don't do it they give you a look

Starting point is 01:21:24 Right You're the asshole He bought a car oh you already tipped 20% on the car Sorry Just go boop, boop, boop. And they get used to it, then if you don't do it, they give you a look. You're the asshole. You bought a car, oh, you already tipped 20% on the car. Sorry, sorry. What about with the iPad, just to throw it back on them, she's like, it's gonna ask you a question, and you go, I can't read. Yeah, oh yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:36 So now she's gotta say it. Oh, that's not bad. Right, that's good. I can't read, she's like, there's actually no words. I like that I can't read. It's just a dollar sign. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just numbers. Like, I can't read numbers either.

Starting point is 01:21:45 I can't. I'm blind. I'm so stupid. I'm blind or something. I'm Amish. I don't know what this is. The one benefit to being blind. Yeah, no, less tipping.

Starting point is 01:21:56 You're like, oh, there's a 20. You give him a dollar. Yeah, that's not bad. I'm tired of tipping. We all are. It's an epidemic. These people with their iPads and what not. The worst one I had was in Key West,

Starting point is 01:22:09 it was like a cigar stand on the side of the road, and I walked up, I know exactly what I want and where it is, I go, I grab it, I walk over, I hand it, it scans it, it's the iPad, and it's got a tip option. I'm like, well what would it do to tip for? Yes, exactly. You're just sitting there. Yeah, and then people go like,

Starting point is 01:22:24 well these are hard times for people. The economy is out of control. You're like, but it's out of control for me too. Right. Yeah. The pilot is going well. Things are going well. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:22:35 I don't know that. QS has got a Hawaiian shirt on and flip-flops. Comedian. Comedian. Yeah, plug some dates where you guys gonna, I mean, you got the town hall gig coming up, He's got a Hawaiian shirt on and flip flops. He's a comedian. Comedian. Yeah plug some dates. I mean you got the town holiday coming up. I got Philly Helium, first week in October.

Starting point is 01:22:52 Portland Helium. September 13th and 14th. 12th, 13th, 14th. Indianapolis, I haven't been there since the 80's. September 20th, 21st. And then I'll be at Skankfest. Of course. Never miss it. there since the 80s. September 20th, 21st, and then I'll be at Skankfest, of course, never miss it.

Starting point is 01:23:07 Philly, yeah, Philly actually will sell out, so make sure you get those tickets early. Royal Oak, Michigan, October 18th, 19th, 20th. Great clubs. Love that one. Oh yeah, I love that place. And then Kansas City actually got moved to January. And San Diego, December, first time working that city

Starting point is 01:23:23 in my whole life. What? You're gonna love that city in my whole life. What? Oh, you're gonna love that one. American Comedy Co. That's a great comedy town. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, Town Hall's a big one for sure. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:23:33 All right, folks, get some Bodega Cat. It's on. Bodega Cat Whiskey.com. Seller, it's crushing in New York right now. It's sold out. Yeah, when does this come out? Oh, start. It'll be back by then. Oh yeah, Niagara Falls, September 13th, that's a one-nighter casino that'll be fun then

Starting point is 01:23:48 I'm hitting Europe London whoa Belfast Dublin Paris added show and Amsterdam added show so please help me sell those out Copenhagen Oslo looking fucking rough Stockholm and then I'm back at Hilarities in November. I'm gonna add some more dates, some more club dates to get cooking again. Punchup.live slash joelist, Punchup.live slash sammerell and Punchup.live slash mark norman. Mark, where you gonna be?

Starting point is 01:24:17 Hey, coming to St. Louis, Missouri, Atlanta, Georgia, Vancouver, Orlando, Florida, Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto. We edit the show, come out to that Newport, Rhode Island for that Rogue Island Comedy Festival, Monterey, Oakland, Winnipeg, Pegme, Cleveland. I'm also doing all the hilarities before Sam, so I'm sneaking in. He's getting sloppy seconds.

Starting point is 01:24:44 Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago, theater that's a fun one, Poughkeepsie, Torrington, Connecticut wherever that is and Charleston, Nashville, NOLA, Wilkes-Barre and Inglewood so yeah check it out get on the punch up watch Sarah's special go to town hall check out Amazon we all got stuff out there, give it a go, give it a look. YouTube butthole money. Yes!

Starting point is 01:25:10 It'll be out by the time this airs. Hell yeah. Yeah, good Soundgarden song. Thanks folks, get a bottle, girl, I'm Salacuse Peekin' this street like I'm goin' out to lunch I'm always in the soup, crackin' jokes, that's nuts A nomad stormin' Normandy, call me Norman Kickin' down the doors of comedy, I'm not the doorman You sure, man?

Starting point is 01:25:33 I wanna kiss and it shows, I try to be aloof I am a drifter doin' shows high up on the roof I'm old fashioned, sippin' Apple Dagger Cat Such a pet peeve when my vision starts to break the flesh Only happens when it don't be top shelf Only seems to happen when you don't be yourself And that's a joke and I would know it's how I make a living I am a pro and you should know before I play the build

Starting point is 01:25:52 And watch me kill the bill I filled I'm hot shit, Scott's ass built but I'm more ill I got this I really went and told her I don't like being sober You think we're looking good, I think we might be drunk now And just like we should, we drink to bring the funk out You're looking good, I think we might be drunk now

We Might Be Drunk - Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache

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