We Might Be Drunk - Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders

Episode Date: September 30, 2024

Episode 199, the aftermath of the infamous birthday dinner. You heard it on TWS, now hear it from the source. We also have some great recs, peeves, bits and comedy! Thank you to 7-Strong for making us look so good, they can make you look good too: Support the show and find strength in style by using the code GOTHAM for $5 off your purchase at https://www.7-strong.com Podcast Sponsors:  Support the show and get 15% off your Lumen. Head to https://www.lumen.me/DRUNK Support the show and start your free online Hims visit today at https://www.hims.com/DRUNK Get $50 instantly when you play $5 with code DRUNKS when you Download the PrizePicks app at https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRUNKS Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand:  YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/?hl=en 

Hey, hey folks, here we are. We might be drunk, a little gin and soda to get things cooking. A little early in the afternoon. Oh yeah. Don't you hate it's five o'clock somewhere? I hate that line. I hate that shit. I never got that line.

You have a drinking problem, how about that? Yeah. Doesn't sound as good. We're not well. Next time I blow a guy, I'm gay somewhere. Not here. I hate five o'clock somewhere time I blow a guy. I'm gay somewhere I hate five o'clock somewhere. It's not clever get out of here. He's a ladyboy in Thailand I'll take it by the way ladyboys. They got usurped by trans. Yeah, I think they must be pissed in Thailand They're actually at odds with each other. Is that right? There's a fight between them

Thailand they're actually at odds with each other is that right there's a fight between them Yeah, like Netflix and blockbuster. Yeah, you know the old ones got it. Oh, you know who won cockbuster. Yeah, I mean The lady boy though is like it's a little bit of both you get a little both in there That's true trans. It's like we've transitioned lady boys like I still got a little bit from the past point You're kind of bi yeah and a pedophile I still got a little bit from the past. Good point, you're kind of bi. Yeah. And a pedophile. What?

Now here's the other question. Oh wait, are they a pedophile? Well, no, but you said boy. Oh yeah. So I'm going, you like young, and a woman, boy. I'd go lady man if I was over that, but I'd be like, I'd like a lady man, I don't want a lady boy, what am I, a pedophile?

But that just sounds like a hermaphrodite. Oh yeah. That was the thing, remember there was the urban legend, Jamie Lee Curtis hermaphrodite? Yeah, that's right the thing, remember there was the urban legend, Jamie Lee Curtis, hermaphrodite? Yeah, that's right. Definitely not true, but. No, not with that bod. She looked good.

She definitely went the right way if she had to pick. Oh my God. Would not have been a good man. No, no, that true lies scene would have been ruined. Oof. Wait, oh yeah, Lady Hermaphrodite was dick and vagina. Yeah. Yeah, like the VCR DVD comborodite was dick and vagina. Yeah. Yeah, like the VCR DVD combo.

Little column A, little column B. It's like when you find out that PS4 has Blu-ray and you're like, oh. Oh, I sense Alec used this. You guys seen this controversy? What is this? Oh, this is hot. So these cis gals who have OnlyFans are putting dildos in their short shorts. And they're appropriating.

Yeah. That's their controversy. And trans women are calling them out saying, like, my gender is not your costume. And then a bunch of women chimed in. They're like, neither is mine. So it's getting dicey on the old interwebs. Either way, I came quick.

Yeah. What's the purpose of the photo? Well, they cleaned up. They made a ton of money because apparently there's a market for this. Interesting. The cock market. Like the stock market? Okay. The cock market is up.

I mean, so they're just like fake penises in there? Yeah, it's like a cucumber or something. Jesus Christ. Well, Sam's distracted either way, but... I mean, it's just a lot to take in. Yeah. I sent this to Shane and he was like, I don't know how to feel. Jesus well Sam's distracted either way, but I mean it's just a lot to take in yeah I said it's to Shane and he was like, I don't know how to feel I'm like kind of into it And then we all went really because it was a big group chat and he was like no no

I'm gonna leak that Damn that is fucking Enter the world's a weird place It's a wacky time folks the president or ex-president was shot the head Biden's on the beach Kamala's Indian and black I don't know what's going on JD Vance fucked the couch Now you nailed it all you know what's going on? That's right. It's like you think about what was like taboo even 15 years ago like can you imagine your dad find a DVD?

stepsister porn we're gonna we'll have kids someday well you know we'll be like you know chicks with dicks yeah fuck is this shit right and then in ten more years it's like farmhouse pals you know now you're fucking animals my wife made a good point we were getting into wife swap not the thing the show the old show holy shit you guys are really going for it. Yeah, you guys went to Bremen? The crazy Norman drop every week.

We're having a baby the next week. We're fucking our neighbors. But she made a good point, we're watching this. It's a great show, it's sociology. It's really interesting human nature stuff because two families think they're doing it right and then you flip and they're like, ideologies are all torn apart.

The old school Chappelle. Yes, yes. But, where you going? Ah, shit. That was the fattest answer I've ever heard. Thank you, dear. Thank you, dear. You said it all sad, too.

Yeah, I know. You didn't feel good about that. But my point is, A, she was like, the middle class is gone. The whole show is middle class. It's like people with four kids and some guy works at a factory and he's got four kids and a giant house and two cars. That's over. And then two, there's a lot of like, religious stuff and race stuff

and like now it would all be like, hey, this is not a safe space, I'm offended, this is problematic, there's none of that. They're like, fuck you bitch, I'll kill ya. It's just people shitting on each other and ball busting and yelling at each other and there's zero identity politics or like. It's just people who hate each other for them. Exactly, it's refreshing.

Now everything's gotta be like, hey, don't insult my people, or that's against my... We're kind of post-race almost now. Oh, 100%. It's like for everyone saying, like, this is how I am, this is how I identify, most people don't give a fuck. No. Most people will get to know you and hate you for who you are.

100%. And they're okay with that. Or they'll get to know you and love you for who you are. But like, I'm with you, dude. It It's like no one cares. No one really cares only you care right right? It's like you do a thing like well. This is who I am it's like okay Well, you know who cares about that people who care about you exactly if I don't know you I don't care about you So I don't give a fuck I know like as a woman as a bi-pac and you're like I don't give a shit about that and they're like, but you don't how I feel I'm like you don't know how I feel like you're a

different human being than me well you get out of here your feelings are more important than mine and mine are more important to yours and I thought the whole point was to be equal I thought that's what we were going for was to be a colorless society. I think if Martin Luther King had his dream today it would be I have a dream no one cares. Yeah. We never get to it. Yeah. I had a dream, yeah. Why would I care about your dream, dude? Yes, exactly.

Was I in the dream? No, I don't care. Yeah. I'm already tuning you out, dude. There was a man with no face, and I was on a cliff in my old hockey jersey, and you're like, shut up, who cares, move on. Is there sex?

Get to the sex. Yeah, sex dream I'll listen to, especially if I'm in the sex dream. Yeah, that was the best. Especially if that chick with the dick is talking about sex dream I'll listen to, especially if I'm in the sex dream. Yeah, that was the best. Especially if that chick with the dick is talking about sex dream, I'm gonna talk about it. Remember those days when a girl in high school would be like, I had a weird dream about you

and you were like, what happened? That was how bad we were at flirting. Yes. That was like how you feel it out, we thought that was subtle. Oh yeah. You were in my dream the other night, like all right, just fucking get to it.

Oh yeah, and I had such love, I was even like, I think Christy likes you. I'm like, no, she hates me. And they're like, dude, she had a dream about you. And I was like, nah, shut up. I know, if a guy says it, it doesn't sound as good. No. You were in my dream the other night, oh my God.

I need a restraining order. Yeah, you gotta stop taking Ambien. All right. Cheers. Cheers, mazel. Thank you Peters. Woo. Chicks with picks. We're going out early. I felt fucking bad about that birthday party guys. That was brutal. Oh, tell us about your dinner. We're gonna talk about this dinner.

I mean, can we all blame Gary for that? Yes. Because I wanted to leave the second we got there. Well set the table. That's true. No pun intended. So Gary Veeder, one of my best friends in the world, you guys know Gary, and one of your best as well. Yeah great guy, the first guy I ever met in comedy. We've had him on the show, friend of the show, killer comedy. He tours with me on the road every week and his hit thing on the road if you don't know Gary is like I want every

meal to be a home run. Not just good, but he's like we're eating at the best place in the city. Now the best place isn't always the most expensive thank good, but he's like we're eating at the best place in the city now the best place isn't always the most expensive Thank God, but it often is true and Gary has hurt my wallet in the past. Oh, yeah, cuz he'll be like this place is great and you get to the restaurant He's like it's supposed to be great and you're like, oh cool $67 entrees. Thanks Gary. Yeah, right. He's like it's good fish But that's like, you know many days in a row, we eat well, because it's important to him and it's become a thing on the road.

And Gary goes, we're eating at this place, Emilio's Bellotto on Houston. And- This is primo, dego, grub. It is and it isn't. I thought it was good food, but it also was like, there's better shit in it. I agree, I mean reputation wise, I mean,

like it's hard to get a table, it's a lot of celebrities. There's a mixed family. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and we didn't have a slouched table either, we had to let people there. No, you guys, except for Salak use, we were killing.

We roll in there and already I'm kinda like, let's just go, the vibe was bad, the waiter was a prick. Huge prick. He was a huge prick, like we get there, he was like, you can get here when everyone's seated, and we're like, all right, well it's 15 people. So for 13 we can't seat, he's like, it's gotta be all 15. And we're like, all right, yeah.

It's like, is someone gonna be using the table? We're ordering drinks in this time, right? Right. But he was being a prick, and I was kinda like, you know what, let's just, he was, it wasn't just what he was saying, it was the way he was saying it. Yep.

He was kind of a trash bag. A bit of a dumb whop, and he gave me this one. I go, hey, I'm just checking in for a dumb whop and he gave me this when I go Hey, I'm just checking in for a big reservation. He goes how many I go 15. He goes. Whoa, we'll see about that Yeah, it was that time. It like we're like, oh cool. This fucking guy's the waiter right here Holy fucking no nuts. This is what a reservation is. You were here. We're here to eat We called ahead did for this exact reason. Yeah. Well, I won't see it. It's the Seinfeld episode I know you know how to take the reservation.

It's the keeping of the reservation. You have a problem. So already he was a dick. And he was a dick to Mark. He was a dick to me. And it was a thing where I was kind of like, you know what? Fuck this place.

So I said, I said, let's get out of here multiple times. You did. My girlfriend's giving me shit. She goes, you always do this. I go, no, but I have no problem saying fuck this shit and walking. I want to walk. Whatever.

I said, let's go to Arturo's. fuck this shit and walking, I wanna walk, whatever. I say, let's go to Arturo's, it's a few blocks away. Arturo's always treats you well, great pizza, love it on Houston. Gary's like, but this is special. Gary's kinda like, this is special, I made this. And it's like, all right, I get it. I understand, let's go here.

And he put the work in. He put the work in. It's hard to call every comic and set it up and call the restaurant. And I'm grateful for it. And I love you, Gary, I do. but I got a really bad vibe out of the gate Yeah, we go in there. They're just like, you know, bring how about we just bring out a lot of stuff Yeah, it was another Gary fucked up. He goes blank bring the hits. He said bring the hits which they go jackpot I mean you he said you want to see a menu and Gary said not just play the hits

But you know when someone when someone says that it doesn't say bring out so much shit that you're gonna rape or they turned it in like a prefix where they charge us like over 300 yeah and we had people popping in and out and now you have a person pop in and just leave I didn't eat is gonna get charged well I won't spoil it but he'll get charged Ron on his poor Ron on his poor, Wilson Vince is living in a tent. Under a highway. Leading the Cuban revolution. With that beard.

No, it's a disaster. And the food was solid. The food was pretty good. But it's noodle! It wasn't that good. It wasn't that fucking good. And the guy was, by the way, the waiters cursing non-stop, which I know we Curse or comedians. It's weird to be in like a family restaurant a guy's like you get the fucking thing. I'm like, what is this? No, good. He almost got whacked. I mean he almost took

Pictures he's like I'm gonna throw you out of here. Yeah, so she's in the flash. She was like no flash in here Yeah Yeah, and then you kept flashing of course Yeah, but yeah, you almost got thrown out then you had salad skews had to talk to a man No, Mano E Mano remember that you to go take the back home. Yeah. Yeah, we got to burn this fucking place down like Vesuvius Yeah, well they got a bad attitude. I think it's that New York like Italian Eastmo is that the one? No, no, which is the one they burned it was Vesuvius right? I don't know looking it up. Well, I gotta get the fucking sopranos trivia, right? But anyway, they bring the check and I've and Peter won't let me fucking pay

He'll write chip in and it's over. It's over five grand 500 there's the bill to be exact so they just gave us like a prefix per person without consulting us Yeah, and the food was fine. It's fine. It wasn't great. It wasn't bad. Yeah, it was fine What's his face? Lebatardo over here, Lebatardo, he got a $65 cocktail. How'd he get a $65 cocktail? Because he got that good tequila with the bell on it, whatever that shit is.

Klaus Azul. Klaus Azul is no joke, a bottle of that's like $900. Well he's done pretty well in his life. Yeah, yeah. Well don't tell me Vito's gonna be furious but so I feel bad so I put a card I was fucking embarrassed I was like I don't want to fucking you know yeah let me put in I was like Jesus I get have you done dude I get it but don't get mad I'm sure Vito will

make me pay for this shit next tour yeah well it's good that he paid because he owes you for all the years of your restaurants that you went to and he picked this fucking joint. But I was like fuck you don't, you picked Arturo, see with the big group. But I thought they were just going to bring out a bunch of things and it would be reasonable but it wasn't. A steakhouse wouldn't charge you this much. No, steakhouse, one steak is 95 at the Moat at a top shelf place. And this place added a 25% tip. Look at that $983 tip.

God, forget yelled at. This guy's like, oh, suck my fucking bean bag. And he's like, that'll be $900. I gave you the suck my bean bag special. Fucking trash bag. We got screwed. These guineas raked us over the coals all day long. We had a good case until Mark broke out the slurs.

I was like, I think we're gonna get a try behind us. Then Mark's like, these WAP fucking dagos. I'm like, wait, slow down. What's the guy from Soprano? Is it Frankie? I feel like that stripper he took out back and beat the shit out of him until she died. Ralph Soparetto? Yeah, yeah, that's me, I'm the stripper. Ralph clock took out back and beat the shit out of him until she died. Ralph DiForetto?

Yeah, yeah, that's me. I'm the stripper. Ralph clocked me around and beat me up. Except the baby you're carrying was Veeder. God damn it. I want to fuck that host with a gun to his head like Richie, Richie Apriel. So it was $346 a head. That's fucked up.

That's crazy. Because we didn't get that much. No. I took fucked up. That's crazy. Because we didn't get that much. No. No. I took a few veal legs home. Did you? Yeah, I put those right in my pocket because I was like, I dropped $17.55 on the whole thing.

Your poor lady had to drop $17.55 and then Veeder put $17.55. I love you guys, I owe you. I owe you big time. By the way, I don't mean to rat out your girl, but you did a fucking gangster move at the end. It's pretty fun. Oh, yeah I miss she was like I'm paying what and she saw what she had to pay She signed her name and she immediately opened her purse took out three saucers from the table just three plates

Yeah, shoved them in her purse sideways and left no way. I've been drinking coffee off him every morning Well, that's a keeper. That's marriage material nice little memory man But that was a fucking I mean look it was a fun ass dinner. It was so fun Well next time we'll do our turtles. We'll do something. It's not stupid. Yeah, right fucking insane Chick-fil-a yeah next year raising canes yeah Vita that's fun. I mean look at these beauties. Yeah That's great. that's great. By the way, trying to get money out of Will, not easy.

Damn, I'm going to have to pay him extra. I'm going to have to slide in money. Yeah. Oh these are great. Classic. Ari showing up with, yeah. That's great. Does Will make it a black joke? Yeah, Will's gift, a book on white privilege.

Yeah. Oh, look at that. That's great, is Will making a black joke? Yeah, Will's gift, a book on white privilege. Yeah. Oh, look at that. That was right before the 9-11 attack. We're all having a good time. Then the towers hit when that bill showed up. It is terrorist behavior to just sneak attack you like that in a bill.

Completely. It is. And you can't refute it. You can't be like, whoa, how'd we get to that? Cause they're like, you said the hits. They got us by the balls. Yeah. Fucking crazy.

Veeder. Veeder, there he is, that fucking rat. Look at him, we gotta whack him. But no, thank you, it's a thankless job to put all of us together like that. I love you, Gary. And then he, not only did he get fucked with the bill, but now we all hate him.

I'm gonna, this next bus run is gonna be for sure my wallet. I know that we're gonna be stopping in places where I'm like, fuck. Yeah, I mean, I feel like you gotta put the foot down at some point, like tonight, Wendy's. I do sometimes. Fuck you. Tomorrow, we're going to a- When he starts to be a dick on the road when he starts to get in the

mood or something I'm like we're doing fucking we're doing ranch one for dinner but got a good chicken sandwich I'll fucking I'll hit him every once in a while remember pluck you yeah you I kind of like I like ranch one that fucking yeah that chicken sandwich not too bad yeah well roasted red pepper sauce sauce just mayo, but it was good. Yeah, that was good I love when they try to get high flute with the sauce subway did that they're like hey We got Chipotle and you're like, this is pink mayo Mayo with like a green thing. It was kind of good though. I loved it dude Subway feels like is just like subway feels like a chick that was like a really hot freshman that showed up like

Senior year and it's just disgusting. Yeah, what the fuck happened to subway? I know his friend Joe list got a sandwich his friend our friend. He's my buddy Well, he told him the story. Okay, he told mark. Sorry. He said he went to a Subway or the footlong your double meat Oh $21 really yeah, yeah prices are up, baby 21 isn't the whole thing $5 for long that was a day. How long has that been over for $21 it up it was 2011 was when they stopped doing that campaign Wow Wow we're fucking old

I'm looking I'll take one $5 foot long Like what are you fucking 80? 17 years ago sir. I got that every day for like three years. That was on 2011. I remember when a one-foot sandwich used to cost five dollars in my day. Yeah they're like, dude shut the fuck up. Wow. Subway sucks. It's gotten so bad. I used to eat it all the time. It's gotten so fucking bad. Yeah, and somebody told me I had a friend who worked there. He's like, it's all the same meat. Yeah, of course. So buckle up.

Like the meatballs, the turkey, the crab. The tuna's dolphin. Oh, that's pretty good. It's a real animal. They're slaughtering some fucking poor animal in Tai Chi. They're like, enjoy this. It's 3,000 grams of Chi. They're like enjoy this. It's 3,000 grams of sodium it'll fucking kill you. Yeah, and I heard the the turkey is yoga mat

Did you yes? I know the the bread. Oh the bread the bread is yoga mat. Yeah, I smell some downward dog cooch on my sandwich What yeah, who's that someone had the thing I went to an Indian restaurant the other day, it was Subway. Ah! The guy, whose joke was that? I think that might've been, is that Gaff? He had a whole Subway chunk. It might've been Gaff again. Might've been Padden.

It might've been Padden, he had another chunk. Trunk Padden. They had a competing Subway chunk going on. Yeah. But Gaff could have had a whole thing, like, just based on the name. Subway, does that make you based on the name. Subway? Does that make you want to eat sandwiches?

The Subway? The Homeless? The Tunnels? The Mole People? The Rats? He said the turkey, they're like stingy with it, like it's money. They're like alright, here's one, here's another. Little slices.

How about a Tellez joke? He's like, I went in the Subway, the guy put the gloves on, he goes, nah, raw dog. So good. That's such a good joke, dude. Oh yeah. So good. That's such a good joke dude. Oh yeah. God damn. Now, we're riding the gossip train. Choo choo!

I want to hear about Kill Tony with Chad Daniels. The whole internet's a buzz. What are they saying? Well Chad had an altercation with a handicap guy and then he went at it with... With a handicap guy? I didn't know he had it with William Montgomery. That guy. I heard there was some handicap in there at first. Who was the handicap guy he then he went out of it with a handicap guy I know we had here William Montgomery that guy I heard there was some handicap in there first who is a handicap guy had a thing with the handicapped guy goes I was driving here the other day and he goes you drive and the guy was like yeah you don't think

I can drive oh he was joking that I was joking 2.5 million views yeah this is a big show two weeks ago yeah no. No, I remember the one The William Montgomery one I got shit for walking off and people like oh you couldn't hit someone's like messaging me I had a few people go you couldn't handle a smoke or something He's yelling I'm like it was like two and a half hours into a show where they were serving me vodka So whiskey sodas by the pint glass, right? Maybe I have to pee at some point. Yeah, exactly. And it was like literally the point where I just whispered to Tony, I'm like,

dude, I really gotta fuckin' pee. I've been holding it for like 30 minutes. I didn't, it's like you think the show's wrapping up for a while. Yeah, it's long. And they're like, we have another guest. I'm like, I'm gonna piss my pants. Yeah.

So, so this is the guy with the driving. I feel bad, cause you know, Chad is doing great. He's got a Netflix special. He gets on Kill Tony. He's probably like, hey, it's a big platform. I'm gonna get some views. Did Rogan and Seger that week too. Ah, then this shit happens.

Because this is a tightrope, this Kill Tony, because you don't want to be funny but not too mean. It's a tough one. Is this it, Mark? Yeah. This is the first thing. I think go for the Gumri. The redheaded... No, I think they were having fun with each other.

Afterwards they were laughing about it. Well the internet's already made multiple videos about how it was bad and Chad fucked up and all this. But you were there, so... I was there for part of it. I left at a certain point, because I was like... You didn't come back? No, I came back.

Maybe he was still there. I don't remember. I had a few in me. This guy was my favorite. Oh wow. Is that Willie Nelson over here? He knew, he fucking knew the Night Stalker, Richard Ramirez, and he was talking about,

he called him Richie at one point. I was like Richie He had a nickname for the one of the most notorious fucking serial killers, you know me and Theo Bundy We used to exactly what I said a teddy Bundy There you go All right. Well, maybe it was a I just I just saw the internet was a buzz and I saw you were on it So I was like, oh perfect. Yeah, I didn't seem that bad to me But I I did have to pee like a motherfucker. Oh, here we go old friends or something like that I don't know about it what is going on right now this is absolutely incredible this is like you make fun of my fucking dog you say something about my fucking dog

so I think Chad's like I'm out at this point I'm not gonna even talk anymore like he's not gonna get more oxygen yeah does it get weirder than this? I don't know, I haven't actually watched it. Sorry. I just think he does this as part of the... This is his move. It's like his character, it's like wrestling. Exactly. He's like turning on you as a joke. Yeah.

But I was already kinda like, I think he just chose, he was gonna probably attack from what I gather afterwards. Tony's like, oh, I forgot to tell you guys he does that. It's such a hilarious thing. Yeah. It's like, I forgot to tell you, my dog is rabid. Ha ha ha dog is rabid. But he's like, yeah, he turns on one of the judges usually. And I was like, well, I guess he picked Shad. And then I was just like, too. Thank God he picked Shad. I was like, I don't want to bail mid argument with a guy to pee. But I was like, I'm peeing either

way. And it's one of those things, not to shit on the guy, because he's a regular, but like, what do you do with that kind of humor like I like jokes I like fucking around he's just yelling at me like you know I'm like yeah hey are what are you homeless I don't know what it's like a weird interaction I don't know how to save that right so that's a tough one as a comedian yeah I was kind of like they were just kind of going I was like why don't really know how to chime in yeah I was in there for a while like all right, and then uh You know I'm with you. I would have just been like up. It's on Chad. I'm out Yeah, cuz I don't know what to do with the yelling. I'm like can we go back to being comedians?

Yeah, if you're gonna like zing me or something. It's different. I love a thing. Yeah, yeah Just a yelling yeah, I wouldn't know what to do with it either probably yeah, and he's done it to be a forward I'm just like Are we done yet? I don't I don't know this is not my kind of humor. I'm not saying it's bad I just don't know what to do here. I like jokes and well you're like a yes and type of guy yeah I like improv do I yell with you. I don't know what to do so yeah That's that's I talked to him afterwards. He's very nice, that's the thing, but I think it's like a character. But I think the problem is Chad is a man.

Chad will beat your ass. Like he's a Minnesota hockey-playing, beer-drinking dude. So I think he's like, this guy's yelling at me? What the fuck's going on here? I don't know if he knows the... The schtick. That would be a great episode of Kill Tony. Comedian Curb Stomps open mic. You fucking bitch, like no, no, no. It's gonna happen on Kill Tony eventually. You think so?

Oh, eventually somebody's gonna snap. Yeah, one of these, you can't, one of these fucking open micers maybe has like a bad set and is just like, fuck it fucking I'm going down in flames Yeah, takes off Harlan Williams head or something. Someone goes down Well, have you seen the pen of whack jobs that are waiting to get on kill Tony? It's like circus freaks. So eventually one of them is gonna be full skit. So and then you know, uh, Greg Fitzsimmons gonna be like yeah, you got that right you homeowner

By the way Greg's his specials great that's my wreck we got it. Yeah, we got a Greg on here I love Greg. We tried to get him on but we'll get him in like the next couple months probably Yeah, so funny like I was in Mexico. Just got back from Mexico yesterday Yeah, so funny like I was in Mexico just got back from Mexico yesterday How was it? It was great. It was in Guadalajara. I fucking love Mexico. I try to go every time I can I've been twice but I went as a kid a lot but Was in Mexico and I was lonely cuz you know, you're your phone. Is it working in the shitty hotel and You know shitty hotel. I don't know, I look good online. I almost changed it but I don't have it in me.

I texted my manager, I was like, should I change the hotel? And he's like, send me some photos. Cement shower, one towel, a weird goo. You open the windows, just a guy staring in. Yeah, yeah, the bed was rock hard, it was like a cement slab. I hate that.

My back still hurts from the bed. Even nice hotels have shitty beds. That's true. Even nice hotels. I'm like, can we get a decent pillow in here? I know, the pillows! It's a fucking piece of paper. It's like, who sleeps on this shit? You gotta ball it up and fold it up to get some cushion.

One hotel should be like, we got the good pillows. Oh yeah! Think all the business you're gonna get. That's true. I mean, you stay in a bad hotel, those pillows will fucking kill you. I think for a minute Weston was like, we have good pillows. All right. Yeah.

When I used to see the guy carrying a pillow at the airport, I'm like, look at this fucking pussy. He can't leave his house without a pillow? Jesus Christ. And then I'm like, I get it. Now I get it. But what's a good pillow to you might not be a good pillow to me. What's a good pillow to you?

True. I like a little give, but firm. Okay. I like flatty. How about you? You would've loved my ex. I'm with you. I like firm but a little bit of give but you need some neck support.

What you're supposed to sleep is on your back with a pillow. You really should be sleeping with three pillows if you talk to a specialist. You should have one under your knees here. You have one memory foam or something like that under your shoulders, and then on top of that staggered, it should be your neck, so you should be sleeping

on your back, but no one sleeps on their back. No one. But I saw a doctor back in the day about it. He's like, you need to be sleeping on your back. Whoa. On my stomach. Really? Yeah, so I was, yeah, butt in the air,

just waiting to get railed. Ha ha, prevented. And, uh. So yeah, yeah, butt in the air just waiting to get rail You sleep like this Ready to win this football season prize picks is the best way to have a little fun It's the easiest and most exciting way to play daily fantasy sports unlike those other apps It's just you against the numbers so gameplay is super simple All you do is pick whether a player is going to get more or less of a stat then watch the game to find out if you were right. Yeah I mean this is fun stuff. Who doesn't love fantasy? Who doesn't love a little gambling? Prize picks even has an injury insurance policy so your

lineup stay in play even if one of your players is hurt. This month specifically they also have a cool deal going on. One Caleb William passing yard gets you one win on prize picks every week of September. Click the link in our show notes to download the prize picks app today and use code DRUNKS to get $50 instantly when you play $5. That's code DRUNKS on prize picks to get you $50 instantly when you play $5. You don't even have to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed. Prize picks, run your game.

Nice. That's a boring one. Nutrition is confusing. There are so many things to think about and so many numbers of crunch. Lumen is completely changing the game. It's the world's first handheld metabolic coach. The device measures your metabolism through your breath and reports back to you on an easy to use app.

Just breathe into the device first thing in the morning or before and after workouts and meals so you can keep tabs on what's going on with your body in real time. Wow. You'll find out if you're burning fat or carbs and get tailored guidance to improve your nutrition, workout, sleep, and even stress management skills. It's amazing anyone is fat anymore. All we got is step counters, lumen, all we got, everything we know exactly

what's going on in our body. You got that thing that tells you what's in the products. Yuka, that's good stuff. Yeah, we know everything, and yet we're still huge and unhealthy. So get Lumen. Life's hard. Life's hard, you gotta do it, you gotta live, we all have vices. But get Lumen, that way you can know where you're at and help yourself.

So if you want to take the next step in improving your health, go to lumen.me slash drunk to get 15% off your lumen that's Lumen dot me slash drunk for 15% off your purchase. Thank you lumen for sponsoring the app Guys, we've all been there you want to get hard be a can't don't freak out Hims is here to get you back to peak performance Hims provides access to a range of doctor trusted ED treatments like hard mints, proven treatments like Viagra and Cialis, or even generics for up to 95% cheaper. Getting started is simple and it's totally online. No more awkward visits to the doctor to talk about your junk. You don't even need the

insurance to sign up. Pay one low price for your treatments, online visits, ongoing shipments, and messaging with your provider. You seriously can't beat it. Start your free online visit today at HIMS.com slash drunk. That's H I M S dot com slash drunk for your personalized ED treatment options. HIMS.com slash drunk. The products mentioned are chewable compounded products which are not approved or verified for safety or effectiveness by the FDA but what the fuck do they know am I right? Descriptions require an online consultation with a healthcare

provider who will determine if appropriate restrictions apply see website for details and important safety information subscription required price varies based on products and subscription plan. Let me see if I can do it. Yeah let me see let me see if you nail this. safety information subscription required, price varies based on products and subscription plan. Let me see if I can do it. Yeah, let me see. Let me see if you nail this. Yeah, that's how I sleep. Really?

Yeah. Whoa. Not with the legs in the air like that, but yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's how I sleep. That's not bad. But with a pillow under too, so I'm like back here. So I think that's not great for your neck But think about it man. You're like on a fucking like if I get if I get acupuncture, dude

I will fall asleep on the table cuz I'm so comfortable. Oh wow yeah, what do you side? My back oh all right you sleep on your bed. Yeah all night Good for you. I fucking hate you for saying that like this yeah like that and then I put a t-shirt over my eyes and it stays there all night that's how much I don't move yeah get a sleep mask but it like it sleep Mac tugs your face tight oh I got a good one I got a good one really I like your good sleep mask just the thing t-shirt I bring a sleep mask on the road because you never know you get one of those hotels That doesn't they don't have good blackout curtains. That's true. I

Go side clanhood Yeah, I'm all side I'm I'm that guy yeah, I'm Steph Curry Yeah, I need the side and I rotate throughout the night. So how's your pregnant wife sleeping? She is side as well And I bought her a pillow wedge that kind of the belly can rest on Wow yeah So considerate I just took it from Peters when he was bad She rolls, oh, that's fucking crazy if yeah, I never thought about that I guess like fuck if I was a woman sleeping on my stomach just gonna fucking crush a baby

crushed the baby that's why sex is weird we're doing doggy we're doing legs up yeah cuz you can't fuck with that stomach been luckily I got years of fucking fat chicks in my belt hell yeah oh fuck dangerous you fuck her like by the staircase we don't put the dog I fuck her by the staircase, but you don't put her down? You know? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I fuck her in the closet, I'm like, see that coat hanger? I could be you, baby. Is the sex good pregnant? I mean, it must be fun.

You're fucking a different woman kind of. That's true, yeah. It's like cheating, but with a fat chick. There's that, and she's huge and pregnant, so she appreciates it. She's like, thanks for fucking me, which a woman's never told me. So that's nice. And this is amazing. It's great, and she's like, thanks for fucking me, which a woman's never told me. So that's nice. And, uh.

Man, this is like amazing. It's great, and she's having more feelings. Like, I put it in and she's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and she goes full turkey on me. And it's great, because before I put it in, and she was like. Whoa.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. So yeah, there's more hormones and sex and, and feeling down there, I guess, apparently. Which is a weird biological thing. Why would the body make sex feel better when you're pregnant? I would say, I would wager, to keep you around. Ooh, but wouldn't it keep her around?

No, if she's more horny, it means she's offering you more sex, which means keeping the partner around her. Biologically. That's good. Yeah. Just a guess. God's like, she's gonna look more sex, which means keeping the partner around her. Biologically. That's good. Just a guess. God's like, she's gonna look gross. Yeah. So. No, I think you're right.

She's gonna get really into it. Give that a gook. No, there are dudes that are kinda into it though, like she's got a little belly, her tits are bigger. Tits are bigger, that's great, but they're like blue veins and they look like they're gonna break. Like the water balloon where you're like,

don't, don't put him in there. No more. Yeah, and I'm like. But it's kinda break. It's like the water balloon where you're like, don't put him in! No more! Yeah, and I'm like. But it's kinda cool. It's cool, yeah, it's definitely like a different person, it definitely adds another kinda layer to sex. Mixes it up. Mixes it up, there you go.

Are you worried for when you have a kid and he's gonna start tugging on those things? A little, yeah, and she's already, like I'm doing the lift, I'm getting a lift when. Really? Staggers, yeah, she's already, that's her call. already like I'm doing the lift I'm getting a lift when really saggers yeah she's already that's her call it says increased blood flow and sensitivity there it is and genitals may lead to higher levels of sexual arousal it's wetter it's wilder it's it's freakier yeah sounds like a fun six

flags event the wet and wild pregnant one oh yeah well I got six inches of steel you know what I saw I saw a thing recently on the internet that was like you know men show up or something like this is like men will say they have a decent penis and show up with six inches and I'm like oh well if you're not satisfied with at all with that maybe it's you right it's like saying like a man will will take you out to dinner and just get you an appetizer an entree and a dessert beater yeah it's a good point and then some women like I'm not huge but I've been with someone with they're like all

right all right all right don't put it all the way in you're like whoa what are you doing with other men love those love those women. I love those women too. One was black, by the way. Whoa. Yeah, we all know her. But yeah, she was like, whoa, easy, easy. She's limping, then she walks away normal like Kaiser Sose. I was like, yeah, right, that was fucking fine. The lips would turn me on.

But yeah, there's different vaginas, because we always talk about dick sizes, there's gotta be vagina size. Of course, yeah. So, you know. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Yeah, put that in your cooch and weigh it. Yeah, so fellas, find yourself a small, clam broad.

A medium, yeah, that's right, it's funny, we're looking for small. Not too small, because you don't want it to be like fucking, like, you know, we've been with them, we're like, ah, ah, ah, the whole time, you're like, all right, it's funny, we're looking for small. Not too small, because you don't want it to be like fucking like, you know, we've been with them and we're like, ah, ah, ah, the whole time, you're like, all right, it's not fucking... Once again, the answer is ladyboys. What are we doing here, fellas?

Yeah. That's all anal. Hmm. But then, Peter's, you're 6'6". Oh, you're 6'4"? 6'4". I thought you were talking... You got a big presence about you, though.

Yeah, you do. He also wears like the types of sweaters that like that kind of like old school manly men wear. Yes, yes, like a dad who hits his kid. Yeah. That kind of sweaters. I've had a dad that would grab your wrist and you're like, Dad, no! Yeah.

Oh man, did your, my dad had the angry, God damn it! When he did that thing, I was like, oh, it's over. I've met your dad, it's so funny. He's so soft spoken at times I've met him. Crazy. He's just mellowed out. He mellowed out and he got on some antidepress and I think it totally

Feminized him a little and when I was a kid though. It was like Temper scary throw a whiskey glass across the room. Holy shit. Yeah, kind of cool It was kind of cool, but when you're on the business side of that whiskey glass That's just an abusive type of just like a chug of fucking whiskey and throw it at you kid. Yeah, he had a... Clean that shit up. Oh, there he is with the lip wrist.

You caught him on a bad moment there. No one would ever be scared of this man. But when he were a kid, he was like the guy in LA Confidential who cracked the chair. He looks like Mr. Burns right now. Look at this shit. What the hell is going on? That's a bad, we gotta cut that that that's a great pick of you two yeah that part's great you guys look cool

Glam this is me going oh god marriage Dad knows what's ahead. Oh, yeah That's a great dress. Is this her after wedding dress Yes, yes, I mean that's how into it she got. And this is my after wedding smoking jacket. Yeah, I like that look man. Oh yeah. Very Heffner, very cool. That's all tuxedo, blacktux.com.

Free plug. Didn't Rogan get you a crazy suit? He did, yeah. So what happened with that? I wore it out drinking with Ari and Sal recently and boy you feel like a million bucks It says MN on the cuffling the opening says a mark norman suit. What what store was it? Ah, I think it's a milio ballado It was some Italian crazy Italian guy the guy showed up he looked like Sal

What's his name? It's a basham and Maniscalco, just like a hot Italian guy. He weighed, he measured you, you know, he's all up and there and he's like, you want this kind of cut, that kind of cut, how do you wear it, how do you like it? And best thing ever, I'll never not wear this suit. Just takes I think six inches. You're gonna do better than that.

Yeah, no, that's cool, man, that's fucking awesome. Yeah, suits are fucking, look how cool he looks in that fucking suit. He looks great. How's that your shirt? Yeah, I'm rocking it too.. That's fucking awesome. Yeah suits are fucking. Hey look how cool. He looks in that fuck He looks like your shirt. Yeah, I'm rocking it too. Yeah, I think I did this before you I think no way I think so For a while I want the receipt Look it up. We can look this up to and how long have you had the how long have you had the backdrop? I'm gonna go with a year. Oh, I definitely had this longer than a year. Oh really? Yeah, I got the Nicholson one too. Yeah fucking look dude. I got a rec for you speaking of LA Please I'd never seen mash till last night. Oh, I saw it halfway through back in the day

I was dating a girl who was like this is boring. I was like it's hilarious Yeah, I was just like you know you're just like fucking let me just salvage the night. Yeah, yeah watch the last night I fucking loved it Robert Altman that theme song is so sad. It's amazing Suicide is fine. Painless. Painless. Yeah, yeah, watch the last night fucking loved it Robert Altman that theme song is so sad. It's amazing Suicide is fine. Painless. Painless. Yeah. Yeah, dude the That's just torturing that woman Sally Kellerman. Yeah, they just torture her good. It's like so funny cuz she's uh She's not in the shit like they are so they were like fuck her We'll torture her to make her one of us. Is that the first movie to TV show ever? Ooh, look it up.

Eh. Yeah, I feel like it for a while went the other way. It went like to you because they did like The Fugitive and then that was the movie. True, true. Nash is fucking, Altman's fucking great. Altman's always great. Also, he's never seen Nashville.

Nashville's fucking incredible. I gotta watch Nashville. That's a great one. Better than Mash? It's so different. Okay. It's such a different vibe, but it's it's so good man Pop quiz what does mash stand for?

Mobile Army Surgical hospital Yeah, is that it? I don't know. I think it's mobile army surgical hospital. Yeah, I think that's it Wow that would be something With a dick pops up Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. Yeah, I think that's it. Wow, that would be something. Porn up, just as we found you, found Sally Goosdall. Just a chick with a dick pops up like that. Six inches? Surgical, here we go. Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.

Nice! Hey! We got it. All right, now here's another one. Okay. Scuba. Oh, I have no idea. Subcutaneous. Underwater breathing apparatus. Oh! Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus. I would never have gotten another one. Okay. Scuba. Oh, I have no idea. Subcutaneous. Soft-contained underwater breathing apparatus.

Soft-contained underwater breathing apparatus. I would never have gotten that one. Oh, shit. Scuba. Nice. Nailed it. Have you ever scubaed? I snorkeled, never scubed. Same, I think snorkel is good enough for me.

That's all I need to surface. I get the, yeah, I like to know I can go back up. Yeah, they shark tank people. You know, the people who were in that cage? Yeah. Never. Oh my God, yeah, what are you thinking? People love it. They get in that cage and they feel safe, not me.

Have you not seen Jaws? I know. Like, fuck that shit. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, I saw a surfer just talking about, he was on Edelman's, the potty used to do with Julian Edelman, he was Laird Hamilton.

Oh yeah. And he was talking about how he would, he'd just get out of the water, he's like, I sensed a shark. I guess you just like, you surf that much, you have a sense for when they're coming. He's like, I got out, but right behind me was a hammerhead.

Oh! Can you imagine how scared you would be? Oh! We bet you about hecklers. These surfers, surfers have to deal with great white beach. But was it a shark from Jersey? Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha? Was it a Bachelorette shark? So I do have an answer on the first TV show developed into a movie.

It was Dragnet. Or the other way around, sorry. Wait a minute. Dragnet came out in the 80s though. Oh, I guess there was a movie. I'm thinking of the Dan Aykroyd, Tom Hanks. It says 1954. Translated over the big screen in 1954. I guess there was a movie. I'm thinking of the Dan Aykroyd, Tom Hanks. Oh, okay. Translated over the big screen in 1954.

But now I feel like it goes the other way. Like they did get shorty the TV show. Yeah. Now it goes to TV. That's true. Yeah, I'm trying to think of another one that they did to a movie or a TV show. Well, back in the day, it was a big deal

when your TV show would make, like South Park made a movie. It was like a huge hit. Oh, yeah. Right, and now I feel like it's oh starski and Hutch became and Dukes of Hazzard became both horrible movies But they did it I Think we ran out of ideas for a while actually still still what do you got you got any wrecks? Well, I got the the fit Simmons special check it out. It's on YouTube now I think it's got a hundred great great 200 K views great guy great guy He had a great bit about baseball that I can't remember now

But uh just a cool to see no one commands a room better than fit Simmons that guy is just in the pocket I'm listening to every word you never bored. He just knows how to deliver stand-up really well I'm always this this is your rec? This is Mark's rec. Chimp crazy. It's good? It's, I got to the first one. Oh, second one's, there's a great cliffhanger after two.

And it's the Tiger King guy. Yeah, it's the guy who made Tiger King. He sort of couldn't make a number two because he was so well known, he couldn't get back into the animal world, so he hired a proxy director to direct it for him to be the face of it but it's him and they rip that face off of a lady I got I got a walk okay I definitely will watch this it's the Tiger King guy yeah did I already wreck bad monkey on Apple oh you did I gotta watch that

my wife hates Vince Vaughn so I haven't won him over to watch it. Who hates Vince Vaughn? She thinks he's a smart ass piece of shit. That's why I love him. That's why I like him too. That's great. I do see like Deadpool, I haven't seen the second one. I heard it's pretty good. But I just don't love the smarmy comedy for two hours. I just don't love the break in the fourth wall that much. That much.

I understand like a little bit, but it's like the whole movie, it's just like, it's fine. I didn't dislike it, but it's like the thing where it's, it gets to a point where it's like, this is just fan service. Yes, yes. It gets to a point where like, that's cool to do that. Sure.

But like. Can't lean on it, it's like breaking on SNL. You can break every now and then it's, oh man, Jimmy Fallon's losing it! But if you do it every sketch, it loses the magic. Well, exactly, and I think, you know, at a certain point, like Marvel, they know what. Well, exactly. And I think, you know, at a certain point, like Marvel, they know what they have.

So they always tell me they'll, it's weird to watch one of those at home because they have these moments that are like meant for applause. And so like you're just watching at home and you're like, he's just standing there. It's like watching like a neighbor, it's like watching a neighbor show up

and open the door in a sitcom and he's just like this. And you're like, there's no applause. Yeah, yeah, right. But I just don't care about Marvel. Like my friend was opening for me and he was like, dude, they made this joke, they made that joke. And I'm like, well, I don't even get that joke. He's like, the joke is Hawkeye was in the wrong spot.

I'm like, I don't care. Who gives a fuck about Hawkeye or whatever. My girlfriend loved it. So I went to see it with her. I'm such a fucking idiot. I booked in one of those RPX things. It's supposed to be cool, because it's like a shaking chair and makes noise.

And there's so many showtimes for this movie still, that I picked the wrong time. But luckily we just walked into another theater, but then we had to see it like normal. Oh. But yeah, she wanted to see it, and I was like, and she was dying. Really?

Well look, there was a fucking hilariously ugly dog in it that is so ugly that that he's cute, right? I don't know if you saw that dog. Pull it up. Like longer hanging tongue than even wingus. Hmm But yeah, I mean, it's not like bad. It's just also like It's like what you expect. Yeah, there's you would love Gambit, he's got a great cat. Oh, all right, he's from NOLA. Whoa! Well that dog is like a great life now. It was rescued, it was voted the ugliest dog,

and now the dog's like famous. How long til Peter gets a hey, that's mean, you can't call the dog ugly, it's body shaming. But this dog's so ugly that it's kinda cute. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like Ron Perlman That is a crazy-looking mutt holy shit, but uh Dude, I got fuck I had a peeve too. I had a thing. Oh, yeah, I had a peeve too

Hold on. Oh, this is a peeve people who send you a really long text and then sign their initials at the end What is this your book signing? Like what the fuck? Dash L. Dash B D. Well you know what it is? Yeah, my dad, he'll write a long thing and write dad, but I think he's just like an old boomer guy who doesn't know how to use phone. It's different. I've had older, it's only annoying when young people do it. Yeah. When older people do it, I think it's like, oh, I don't know how technology works.

Like I had Leno text me once and he finished it with Jay. Oh, that's kind of cute. That's kind of cute, it's like an older guy. Endearing. You know like those texts you show when the person dies? You're gonna show that one, because it's fucking signed. People do that. Oh, really?

Yeah, like Jay Leno dies, you're like, here's him talking to me, a the comic, and it's signed Jay. No Max, I'm not gonna make his death about me. Guy who does that. Yeah. Guy who's over in the moment. Yeah. Let me just say.

No actually, when Jay Leno dies, I'll mourn the loss of an entertainer. For the record, if I go, if I kick the bucket, do not show text at my funeral. Just saying, I'm putting that out there now. Please. Norman called Peter's a f***ing in 2024, you know, whatever it is.

If I speak at that funeral, Mark always said comedy. There you go. But today, there's no laughing matter. Here's the text to prove it. I love the headline funny man dies It happens to everybody Well, you know I date someone who works in sports so she comes in the other day and These it's a tragic story about these two

Hockey players who got killed by the drunk driver in Jersey. She walks in the bedroom and goes tragedy in New Jersey this morning I'm like who speaks like that? What are you the post? Yeah, but it's like that's how they talk Yeah, yeah, you're on TV you speak like you're tragic, you know, but that's hilarious. I'm like, let's go to break right now No, I mean us let's go on a break That's true. Yeah, that is funny to talk like that. You don't do that like what's the deal with doggy style? Bugger not dogs. I guess we've got style Fucking idiot. What did you ever notice? Women don't come when I fuck them Your girls like women. Oh, I mean, you.

Ew, you don't cum. Mm-hmm. You have a little microphone by the back. Ha ha ha ha ha. She's giving you the light. I have done that, though. I have done the second I cum, I run over to type something in the wall.

Oh, I've done that. You ever have a joke idea, and you're like, I just gotta get through this sex so I can retain this joke? Women love that. I do it. Ha ha ha ha. They want you to make eye contact and be present,

but I'm just like, fuck, I'm just fucking, just come and then I jump off, I do a fucking back somersault. AIDS. And she's like, no, not me, the joke. The joke was about AIDS. I don't have it. Yeah, well you got that bit idea,

you gotta write it down. Oh, I definitely, you've gotten sex ideas. Oh yeah, of course. During sex, you're like, oh, you gotta write it down. Oh, I definitely, you've gotten sex ideas. Oh, yeah, of course. During sex, you're like, oh, there's a joke. Of course, yeah, and sex is already always pretty funny. I was talking to Ari and he said that joke retention is about 14 seconds. If you don't write it down after 14 seconds, it goes.

Luckily, I only fuck for 13. Yeah. And the worst is when people go, if it's a good idea, you'll remember it. That's not true. No, it's not I'll forget any idea good or bad time I think Tom weights had the line where he'll get like a good song lyric a good song lyric and he's and he's like Can't you see I'm driving?

That's good good He's funny that guy he's he's an interesting mine. He is funny. I like weights. I like weights too. He's fucking cool He's a cool dude. He is funny. I like weights. I like weights too. He's fucking cool. He's a cool dude. His lettermans are top notch. He's just so fucking weird. He's weird and cool and dark. He's, I like him. He's a fun guy.

He'd be a fucking killer guest on this. What's his big song? Oh my God, so many. Downtown Train, I Hope I Don't Fall In Love With You, Rain Dogs. He wrote Jersey Girl for Bruce Springsteen. No, that's a money maker right there. In love with you rain dogs. He wrote Jersey girl for Bruce Springsteen That's a moneymaker this whole first album is a

Fucking banger. He had a different voice back then but what's like 24 when he wrote it? Whoa, I've sent you some of those songs all 55. Oh, that's him. Yeah, I only know that through the Eagles Oh, maybe he did he do it first or not? I don't know Yeah, he's done some great covers too, but is he New York guy Canadian? Where's he from? He looked he feels New York II But I think it's just cuz he's on Letterman and I've only seen photos of him in New York Anyone I guess mark you good at this before I pop it up from where is he from? I'm gonna go I'm gonna go Toronto and he gets Jersey. I'm going Minnesota. No, that's not gonna do it Where we got?

Hit me, baby. I'm gonna go with a singer-songwriter. Pomona, California. Wow! We were way off. Way off. We gotta get this guy in the show. Yeah. Samsonite, I was way off. He's 74 now.

He's pretty freed up, I'd say. He's the fuckin' man. He's one of those guys who's too cool like you're like hey so you're from Pomona California he's like yeah that's right his voice now is like fucking crazy grab Rain Dog is a sick album too but that first one's pretty crazy he did the fuck the theme for the wire that's really what down in the hole is Tom wait is that right I don't know if it's his original he definitely does it yeah whoa it's definitely him in

the wire I think whoa I said definitely in the nice I think I stink strange-looking guy too yeah interesting he's fucking great he's great what what uh do you have a peeve oh yeah well it's not a great peeve but I was at the Guadalajara airport and I'm the token honky. You know, I'm the guy like, oh, where do I go? I don't speak Spanish. Decent airport? Yeah, a little dingy. Do you go direct flight or you have to connect?

Connect in Dallas. Eh, that's not that bad. Not too bad. Small plane though to Dallas. Yeah, oh yeah, and I was the gringo. And no one goes to Guadalajara. People go to Mexico City, they go to Cancun or whatever the hell but Tijuana. Guadalajara was me, a cockfight,

and a lady making tortillas. You went there solo? Solo, baby. Just for the gig, you just love Mexico right now. I like Mexico and I've never been to Guadalajara and we sold some tickets there so fuck it. I love that. So I'm in the airport, I finally land, it's like seven, eight hour travel day, you're

a little wonky, and I'm going through customs and you have to take your passport and scan it on this machine. And it kept saying no passport, no good, no good, red, red, red. So I go up to the guy and I go, no worky, bad news though, no bueno. Sucky, sucky, five dollar? Yeah, hello. So he was like, scan, scan, scan-o, and I was like, I scanned, I scanned,

but there's no language, there's a barrier. So I go, look, scan, scan, he goes, scan it, scan it, he keeps yelling at me, and I'm like, it's not working, and then eventually he takes it, and it doesn't work, and he goes, you gotta go over there. And I'm like it's not working and then eventually he takes it And it doesn't work and he goes you got to go over there And I'm like why couldn't you just listen to me? But I guess they see so many idiots coming through there that don't know how to do it that he just assumed I was one yeah, but you're a traveled man. I'm a traveled man I know how to work by my passport machine

But this guy was not having any of it and then eventually he tried it and he was like oh, sorry go over there You they got you after that? Got me in, yeah. I fucking hate that though, when they act like you're an idiot. I know. And I did get the random check, which felt very pointed.

Oh geez, with these eyebrows, it's never random. I hate it, every time. Yeah, by the way, I do Q&A at the end of shows. A lot of people go, Sam's eyebrows! Really? That's a big one. They're fucking big, I got some fucking eyebrows. I don't think they're that crazy really they're pretty big. I guess they're long Yeah, I just get you know what I get is they don't even ask if I'm at the barber now

They don't even ask I just go I'm like Jesus Christ What do they do to your eyebrows? He just they just trim it a little on the top Yeah, you don't get that I get that through with the comb Yeah, they hit the comb on and then they trim. They used to at least ask. They don't ask. Oh, that's a bad sign. They're nice eyebrows. They're full. They're dark. You know what when they do, I don't know if you're at the age yet, but when they're like ear hair, It's like that's just a yes. Yeah, you know the answer to this question. No, I'm growing it out. I'm keeping it. I'm gonna braid it. But yeah, Mexico. So I do a show on Guadalajara,

killer crowd, great show, they get everything. You know, you talk about Biden, you talk about Brad Pitt, Taylor Swift, whatever it is, they get all of it. Is it locals or expats? Both, little of both. You get some people who are like, I want to learn, see if I can test my English, you know? Yeah.

And then I leave, I'm walking down the street, kinda half in the bag, just taking in Guadalajara, and this guy runs up on me, white guy, and he goes, hey, hey, hey, hey, where you going? I go up, just walking around, he goes, I was at the show, you wanna come to my bar and hang out? I was like, sure, I got nothing to do. So I go to this guy, this guy from San Francisco.

Be great if you're just in like the bottom, it's like Pulp Fiction. Gimp in there, you're like, oh fuck. He locks it door, now you're mine. I'm gonna get medieval on his ass. So I go to this guy's bar, lived in Berkeley, got too weird during COVID, said I'm moving to Guadalajara, started his own business.

Now he's like, I'm the king out here, I get laid all the time, I got my own bar, my own business, I'm a rich man, I'm never going back. How old is he? 25. Holy shit. Can you believe that? He's making money there?

He's making a ton of money. Wow. Because he owns a business. Right on the strip too. I was like, how did you do this? He's like, I just was desperate, I figured it out, I put it together, crazy. And he was cool?

Cool dude, he offered me some blow, and I was like, ah, I gotta go, I gotta go, and then I get home and I got like nine million DMs, like, you shoulda come out, man, hey, it's pretty crazy out here, I'm in a nightclub right now, with six girls, you shoulda come out, I was like, I did the right thing.

Yeah. But nice guy, I hope he doesn't hear this. Eh, whatever. What were you drinking? I was out, I had to do tequila. Tequila's from Guadalajara, mariachi's from Guadalajara. Guadalajara is like Mexico. It's like if someone dropped you in Kentucky

and you're like, this is America. Trump flags and guns, that's what it felt like. It felt like Mexico. But great, great time. Cheap as shit, you're like a king out there. I'm eating street tacos, I'm like, like yeah give me another one there Paco I'm giving him giving him twos and threes and he's like whoa Jesus I got it I got a do Mexico man it's fun it's it's got some grit I wonder if I can move some tickets I'm

gonna give it a shot what oh I got another peeve by the way oh please um just dudes with sharp rings I fucking hate it I hate sharp rings. I fucking hate it. I hate sharp rings. Yeah. Fist bump. Oh, I always see him, he's always trying to give me fist bumps with the sharp rings. I'm like, what are you doing?

That fucking hurts. Yeah. It's annoying, it texturally is annoying. And then you shake their hand, that's bad too. From now on, only a wave. Interesting. I'm only giving a wave. Okay, sharp ring. I mean, you gotta hate a sharp Interesting. I'm only giving a wave. Okay.

Sharp ring. You've got to hate a sharp ring. I hate a sharp ring. I hate, I have a ring for the wedding and I hate when people squeeze it and it hits the ring and it hurts. But rings in general I don't love. I don't like jewelry. I'm not a big jewelry guy.

Hate jewelry. Why would you want to put another thing on your body? Is this another thing to think of? The watch is already pushing it. Yeah, the watch is pushing it. But I like a watch, but then chains or jewelry, it's just a lot. I completely agree.

I don't get, guys who wear a bracelet, I'm like, what's the upside? What's the point of the bracelet? Or women like, hey, a bracelet. You know, I get it if you want to do some crazy thing that turns on women. DeStefano might be listening, geez. Does he wear a bracelet? Oh yeah.

He does? He's a fucking, yeah. Oh I didn't know that. Some guys like a little bling. Every guy's got a necklace now, have you noticed that? Yeah what is it? I don't think they're in. I know.

Yeah, out here. I had a guy, a friend of mine, I want to get him on the pod, well at some point I'm sure Tan French from Queer Eye. Oh yeah. He was like, oh this would go well with a good necklace. I'm like, I don't like that. He's like, all right. No, I can't do it.

But I guess he's a stylish guy, and he's like, it's in. Yeah, we're the minority, and we're the losers. Well, how about these fucking baseball players who are wearing 40 pound chains now? I'm like, what's the upside? You're running, and it just hits you in the fucking mouth? I know. You're diving in the second, a chain.

I don't get it. And then it's funny, because chains will go out at one point. So I'm like, what are we doing here? I'd rather just be me consistently than have to like, oh, this is in, now that's out, oh, I still gotta lose the chain. I wore a chain while in eighth grade.

You did? I did because I was a skateboard queef and that was part of the uniform. And then eventually I was like, what am I doing? This is stupid. And then I'm not like, oh, oh they're back in I'm a 40 year old guy. I'll put a chain wallet. No, it's I just I just do I'm doing me now. Sorry. I'm 40. I'm doing me It is a chain wallet. I mean, I've seen it but what's the purpose the purpose is so you don't lose your wallet It's chain your wallet a lot

Like it was like a stylish thing to I'm a skater. I'm a fucking Fan if you're active. Yeah, I guess bikers have them I think they started it cuz they're Bob big J's got one doesn't he he's got one. I think still Yeah, it's but it's like for him. I feel like it does like a style totally I think it is like a style thing like Like bikers, skater type dudes. And that's his style, so he's being him. Like I don't think chain wilds are in and he's still doing it.

Oh dude, I got another movie. I don't know, I can't call this a full on wreck because it's dark as fuck. All right. At that dinner Ron on, he's telling me and the lady, you heard about this movie? Yeah. Have you seen it? No, but everybody's telling me it's like next level.

It's dark as fuck. It's called Speak No Evil. And they're remaking it, an American version. But like, look. Was it Dutch? You know it's Dutch. And you know it's dark as fuck because the critic score is high, but the audience score is like 55.

And you're like, that's because it's dark. Whoa. But look, it's shocking. It will shock you. Now what's the premise? The premise is this family and their kid are in Tuscany on vacation, they meet another family there at this big type of,

you know, resort type place, and this other family is very friendly, like a little weird, but very friendly, and they invite them to their place in the woods. Oh boy. And with a postcard later on, and the whole thing is about being polite or impolite, and they're like, well it'd be rude to say no,

I guess, we don't really know them, but I guess we could do it. And they're socially just really unacceptable people. Really? And it keeps getting weirder and weirder. Yeah, at one point they're at their place, they're out to dinner, and they kind of like, they suggest this fancy place and they force them to pay, basically. Or then they start making out aggressively, or they'll be in the car, and he's clearly drunk driving, but he's, you know, blasting music to

the point where they're like, please turn it down. He's just ignoring them, shit like that. Where they're very weird, the couple. And it keeps getting weirder. So it's kind of like part thriller, part horror. And I mean, look, I recommend it if you have a capacity for darkness. I was shocked by it. And Ronan was like, our boy Ronan is who,

I feel I give him shit for this. I'm like, dude, you will only recommend a movie if it'll like fuck me up for days. But I saw the American version, it's James McAvoy's in it, and it looks cool, and I'm like, fuck, am I gonna see this version too? I don't know, but I was definitely shocked by it, I will say that.

Why the title? You're gonna have to see it for now, why. Okay, okay. You'll know why when you see it. I don't wanna give spoilers in case people want to see it, but uh Holy shit, man. Really? Yeah, don't I mean I don't know if may will like it. Oh that it's that she likes fucked up Okay, well then watch it and I don't look back. So since I became a dad. I can't really watch stuff where kids get hurt Huh? Well, I'm not giving any spoilers. You're gonna have to see cuz this kid looks scared

Is the kid is it sexual? I? Don't want to say anything Huh, well I'm not giving any spoilers. You're gonna have to see. Cause this kid looks scared. Is the kid, is it sexual? I don't wanna say anything. I don't wanna say what's happened. Cause I'm just trying to think, if you're freaked out by it, Ronan's freaked out, List was freaked out by it. Did List like it?

He loved it but he's like, it is literally the craziest thing I've ever seen. And crazier than Clockwork Orange and all that shit. I've seen some, I'm trying to think of movies that fuck me up, like on a psychological level. Yeah. And like, you know, My Holland Drive kinda fucked me up just because it kinda gets in your soul.

Sure. The way they kinda creep in, it's very, they pull the rug out under at the end in a way where you're like, Jesus, that is fucking, and it's not nearly as fucked up as this. Really? God damn, this is really, I mean like the curb stomp in American History X fucked me up a little bit.

Sure, because we were young and it was all, I mean look, I'm at the age now where I'm okay with the curb stomp. No, but it was more of like a shock scene as opposed to something that really seeps in your. Yeah. But yeah, that, sure, American History X was dark as shit. But this is way scarier to me.

Oh boy, I'm intrigued. It's really all about not having boundaries and stuff and knowing when, and like it's funny, Rana and I totally, he can't stand up and I'm like I have no problem with confrontation. So I think part of me is like, I have no problem being like, oh I don't like this, this doesn't, you know. But he said I can't really do that. So I think we were kind is like, you know, I have no problem being like, oh, I don't like this. You know, I don't, this doesn't, you know.

But he said, I can't really do that. So I think we were kind of scared for different reasons. Interesting. Yeah, I don't like horror usually. Me neither. Now I'm really nervous. Yeah. You watch it and tell me.

But List also is fucked up. He said it's the craziest movies ever seen. His words. Well, they're remaking it and I wonder if they're going to do the same. I'm not going to say what the ending is, but I wonder if the American version is gonna have the same ending. I bet we tone it, we tend to tone.

Europe can do whatever they want. You know originally in Get Out, the original ending was that they don't get out. Oh man. Oh wow. And I think test audiences were like, what the fuck? And then they changed it, but like, you know, I love Get Out.

Sure. I thought it was a great movie, but yeah, we'll see. I'm fucked up by Eerie. Like when I was a kid, Willy Wonka fucked me up. It's just too weird and they never- Well, if that fucked you up, do not watch this. Okay, okay. I mean, I was a little, but yeah.

I didn't like Wonka. He was too, like he was enjoying the kid, like the kid's in a pipe with chocolate, and he's like, ah, look at this piece of shit, and that bugged me. Well, I'm selfishly curious what you would think of it, but I'm also like, I don't know. It's fucked up.

I like Clockwork Orange. Yeah, I don't know, yeah. This is definitely more fucked up. Oh, wow, okay, damn. Yeah. All don't know. Yeah, definitely more fucked up. Oh wow, okay damn Yeah, all right. Geez. This is a Scary. Yeah, it's just the way it builds. It's it's good. It's all right I'm talking too much about this, but it's I'm curious what you guys will think maybe off air I don't know if I I don't know if I can stomach it. Yeah, like I never watched the Michael Jackson doc

I can't watch the R. Kelly doc for For a guy who likes farting and offensive humor, I don't like real shit. Yeah, well like farting's not as bad as raping. That's like, what you do is not actually bad. That's a t-shirt. I know, I know, but like, oh, you push the line or whatever, I'm like, no, I'm just, these are jokes. Like I can't watch the Michael Jackson thing, people are like, oh, let's get the popcorn out. I'm like, no, I'm just this is over. These are jokes. Like I can't watch Like the Michael Jackson thing. We're like, oh, let's get the popcorn out. I'm like this

Kids getting diddled It's a funny visual to be like you like have a whole ball. You're like, yeah I mean the Ted Bundy shit was huge that every girl loving it. I was like, this is weird It's murder. He's murdering women with a rock, like beating them over the head. I'm like, I don't wanna watch this. Torture porn is like, it became a thing for a minute with like those Saw movies and stuff like that where I never got into that.

I don't like to just like. Hate it, hate the gore. They're meant to be seen with a group that's like, ah, the same way. My friend Dana Gould will tell me, like he goes, oh, I see, my daughter's at the age now, we're like, we see horror movies together, and we leave, and she'll be like,

which were your favorite kills? And it's almost like a, you know, it's formulaic in a way, you know, where we see comedies, we laugh together, but people don't do that anymore, really. Yeah, that's true. You know, I guess Deadpool was a comedy, but it's rare that you go to a theater and you fucking.

It's a good point, Barbie, maybe, but it's not really the funniest movie. No. Yeah. But yeah, no, it's rare that you go to a theater and you fucking. It's a good point, Barbie maybe, but it's not really the funniest movie. No. Yeah. But yeah, no, it's a good point. I remember laughing at something about Mary, 11 years old in the theater. Fucking losing it.

Losing it. American Pie even. Old school, I saw in the theater. Yeah. Good times. Great fucking times. It's over. It's over.

Speak no evil. Speak no evil. Speak no evil. Damn. Are you working on bits or anything? Do you have? Yeah, I got a bit that I thought was right, money right out of the pocket, but it is bombing all day long.

What do you got? So my buddy has a young daughter, and he's like, she's going through all these phases. She went through like a promiscuous, slutty phase, and I was like, well, that's pretty normal, and then he's like, yeah, but now she's going through a these phases. She went through like a promiscuous slutty phase and I was like well that's pretty normal and then he's like yeah but now she's going through a Muslim phase and I'm like what? He's like yeah a lot of kids are being Muslim now and I was like well that's better than slut because slut is skimpy outfit, getting drunk, blowing a bunch of guys. Muslim is burka, no alcohol and and getting down on your knees for Allah.

So I was like, I got an A to B here, this is perfect and it's bombing everywhere, much like a Muslim now. But it's dying on the vine. Is there anything there you think? No, it doesn't suck at all. Muslim phase is so weird. Yeah.

I had never even heard of it. Have you heard of this? No. It's coming. Maybe you have to like build it more. In the beginning, it was like, yeah, I was like, so they just, so did you ask more about it? So she just acts like she's Muslim?

Muslim, hijab. So I did a float job, hijab line, that got nothing. Yeah, hijab and I thought it was like appropriated. What religion was she born? I think a Catholic Christian kid. Hilarious. Yeah, I think it's cool to be Muslim now. That's fucking hilarious.

I was like, we were just goth, you know? Yeah, I think kids, teens feel oppressed. And they're taking on the outfits and the. Right, it's like black, cause you're black in the 90s. Yeah, it's also like goth is a funny angle. Hippies, there were hippies and there were goth. Now that's like, now you want to fit in, you got to level up, you know?

Yeah. You know? Yeah. It's so fucking hard to be a parent now. I know, God. It's like your kids are... There's so many different fluid sexual things and now it's like, I'm a white boy.

Now you've got to come out as white and they're like, oh no. That's no good. So funny to be like, dad, you know I'm Muslim. It's like, no you're not. Right. You're not actually Muslim. Yeah. I did hear a quote from a black guy.

He said, a woman converting to Islam is like a black person converting to slavery. Whoa! That's heavy. Yeah. Damn. Well then another person was like, another comment was like, I think it's a solid bit, but people don't want to laugh at Muslim shit. That's possible. It's just a religion in my mind.

But I think other people, there's a real problem I have. Other people have a problem with it, so they put their problem on me, when I'm like, I'm just doing a bit. Does it hit for your crowd, or have you only done it at the cellar and stuff? That's kind of the test for me nowadays. Right. If it starts working for my crowd,

I just deliver with more confidence at the cellar. True, true. But has it worked for your people? Well, it's so new, I tried it in Mexico a little bit, and I tried it at New York Comedy Club, and it got weird. So I've only done it like twice or three times. I think there's something there. I think there's something there.

Like, Muslim, the setup is that, you know, it's like, it's easier, what's better than being a slut? Yeah, they're wearing tube tops, and you know, skimpy this, and drinking, and sneaking out, and fucking random dudes that I get pregnant get STD Why did you say why she decided to convert to? Being a Muslim. I think it's just it's in the culture now. It's like in the zeitgeist in New York. Oh, yeah, Jersey, but yeah Interesting and then the somewhat 72 virgins maybe I could do something with that

And then there's something with 72 virgins. Maybe I could do something with that Yeah, she's not getting lay anymore she's a she's one of the virgins in the Afterlife, I don't know. I don't know the angle for this one. So it's a it's such a weird premise Maybe Goth is better than slut Goth is better than slut. No, I'm saying like maybe I should go with Goth. Yeah. No, maybe yeah Yeah, okay goth, but my day they were just goth, right so like I should go with goth. Yeah, no, maybe yeah, yeah, okay goth, but my day. They were just goth right like Huh? You see like fuck you God now. It's like I love you Allah. Yeah

Yeah, that's something kids are just rebelling against whatever their parents hate right so it's probably he hates this thing So your kid chose it might be funny if the dad's a Jew and the and the kid That's that's something fuck you dad yeah, I don't know. I'm just thinking of angles in here Right like you know the girl whose dad is racist dates a black guy Yeah, this girl is her dad's a Jew so she's yeah going Muslim, huh? All right, yeah, we're with it in my day that you just dated the person your parents didn't want you to date. Yeah.

Now you're becoming them? Now you're converting. Yeah, that could be funny. That's something, yeah. During COVID you wore a mosque. All right. Well my mom is like, you know, she'll say to me first question with the women is like, is she Jewish?

And I'm like, you know, now this is like. Have a penis? Yeah. with the women was like, is she Jewish? And I'm like, you know, now this is like, is it, is it, is it, is your boyfriend, is your boyfriend Muslim? Yeah, and so am I now. Right. Or like, yeah, I don't know, I don't know where to go with this. Yeah, all right, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, My shit, my shit's either fucking garbage or,

All right, hit me. Let me see what I got. Um, there's a few I just can't crack. Man, I tried that dinosaur chicken nuggets one the other night, got some groans. Really? I have too many fucking, I think for like the comedy seller, my shit is, for my crowd it's fine,

but for when I do like the comedy seller They're like holy shit. That was dark I know cuz you're going on after some of these guys who were just like oh shucks and they're like pretending They're better people than they are and then I go on I do like a Hitler or a pedo joke And there's like what does this guy a fucking monster? I'm like no that's fucking when you joke about it's a comedy club Yeah, what do you good should I just be rainbows and sunshine all day? No? I want some edge What's the laugh of the dark shit folks? That's what we're doing here?

All these ideas did my problem with these are like they're either working or they're just shit Is this anything one of the worst parts of breakups is you have to just come up with new inside jokes It's just like so much new material like with the new girl yeah you're so much I'll just recycle stuff from previous relationships like hey little lady and she's like I'm 510 I need something like that I don't know where it's going but like you're doing all material I'm doing all material I gotta come with a new fucking nickname right there's something maybe yeah you're like Trump you got to have a You're doing old material. I'm doing old material. I'm like, ah, I gotta come with a new fucking nickname. Right. That's funny.

There's something maybe. Yeah. You're like Trump. You gotta have a nickname for every woman. Yeah. You're like, hey, what's up, comrade Michelle? She's like, what? Yeah.

Moody Michelle. Moody. Moody's fun for a lady. That might be my favorite part. Oh, fuck. I don't know. Is there something? I like the angle of gotta come up with a new material

for the new girlfriend. Try to see what else I had. Uh oh, bad retention. Mr. Beast, he would hate this. What? Silence? The silence, yeah. Oh, fuck that, we're going through the... I'll give you a peeve while you're looking.

Give me a peeve. Oh, please. I go to the deli counter and I'm like, can I get a quarter pound of ham and a quarter pound of bologna? And I was like, is that a lot, a quarter pound? And he's like, I don't know what, quarter pound, to you it's like, is that a lot to you? I was like, I don't know what quarter pound was to you. It's like, is that a lot to you?

I was like, I don't know. You do this every day. Yeah. You tell me, do people normally order a quarter pound? I don't know what a quarter pound of meat looks like. That's a good peeve, the professional who doesn't, who's asking you questions. Yeah, like how many servings? It's like, this is like not that much food.

Yeah, a quarter pound is not that much. I don't know that. Yeah, I don't think it's that much. He knows what it is. He should say what you just said. Yeah. Yeah. Is it a lot to you? I was much. I don't know that. Yeah, I don't think it's that much. He knows what it is. He should say what you just said. Yeah. Yeah. Is it a lot to you? I was like, I don't know, that's why I'm asking you.

Yeah, I'm not looking for a philosophical lesson here. Right. Yeah. It's not a judgment call. I hate when you get in a cab or something and he's like, how do I get there? I'm like, you're the guy, you're the driver. I got another one I wanna try

because this isn't hitting the way I wanted. All right. And I have an Uber bit that't hitting the way I wanted. All right. And I have an Uber bit that's hitting really hard right now. All right. I'm gonna add to it, because I had an ex who would be like, we got into a car once, we got into an Uber and it smelled like horrible,

like so bad, and I just went, oh wow. And we got out, she goes, you cannot make that sound. I go, but he can make that smell? No. That's unacceptable, it smelled so fucking bad in there. And she goes, let me see your Uber rating. So I pull it out and she goes, just as I suspected, 4.53.

And I was like, all right, I don't, yeah, I guess. You know, I speak my mind. You know, it's fine, whatever. And I say, all right, let me see yours. She had a 4.32. Oh! So I wanted to think, I was like, all right, so. By the way, you're pretty.

This is your personality that's doing this. Oh! That's good. You're that, yeah. That's good, that's good. You're that fucking rude to drivers. I did once when it was a bad smell, wow. That's good.

But the line that didn't hit, I thought could be something as she goes, that's not a big difference. I go, point two is the difference between a gold medalist and someone who doesn't place. Oh! But then I say, that doesn't hit. So I need a different out. I need a different fucking.

Damn, gold medalist, I like. I like it too, but it's just too, I think it's too much of a leap. Right. But the part did pop where I say, you're attractive, this is your personality. What if you shit on yourself and you're like, well point two would help me a lot,

or help you a lot in bed. You know, like if your dick was.2 inches longer, because now you're making fun of you a little, and she's like, that would be better, good point. Yeah,.2. Yeah. Yeah, but.2 isn't two inches. That's true.

It's not, point. You know, you could say, this is just a sideline, but you'd be like, hey, 4.5, that's fresh, unlike him, unlike the driver. That's fresh, do people know Rotten Tomatoes enough? Yeah, I think you're looking. Yeah, maybe I'm reaching. On Rotten Tomatoes, that's fresh, unlike him.

Yeah, that would be fresh, yeah. She's a... I had an old joke similar to this, but I could never get it to work, and I had a lady yell at me, because I was like, oh, dude, you smell horrible. And she was like, hey, that's their culture.

And I was like, yeah, but it's American culture to shit on people who stink. Yeah. You know? It's a tough sell, because I hate when people shit on, because I hate what I'm doing a little bit in this right right and people shit on like a smelly cabbie I'm like yeah, it's a so fucking annoying, but I probably did like a 26 hours true So I do feel a little bit, but then but then I like the joke enough that I was like yeah

Who gives a shit? Yeah, you're not being mean you're going ah I just went wow. Yeah, not mean. It's not like you make a fart What did you make it a fart? So he farted instead of it's his body odor? I kinda like that it just smells like shit. I do too, but to make it less offensive. No, that part hits though, but that part does hit. I just think, yeah, it's about the, where do you go from there? I'll brainstorm a little bit.

It's close to, it also goes off another bit, so it kinda, it's like the ball's in the air, you know? Yeah, yeah, I like that. There's another Uber bit that hits real hard before that, but man, it's fucking crazy. The more I get older, I'm like, man, I think you have a similar thing that I have where our jokes kind of go up to the line

of what is not socially acceptable. So the tinkering, like sometimes it's just one word that saves it. Sometimes it's a buildup. Sometimes I'll do a joke as like a one liner and it comes off as too mean. But if I build up and build up and then do the same joke, it's like I'm adding fat to a joke to save the joke.

Yes, yes, for them. Your crowd, it's fine, but if you've heard The Cellar, you gotta pad it a little more, I crowd. It's fine But if you've heard the seller you got to pad a little more I think then you find out sometimes when you pad it for your crowd They're like it builds it a little more in the releases big. That's true. That's true But yeah, but like we were just in our stand-up. I think we're so conscious. Oh Yeah, of not adding fat. Yeah, we like the idea of how fucking dense our stuff is. Yeah nice and tight Yeah, but you're right that tinkering is crucial just a little twist this way or that way and then it's offensive Or it doesn't work or whatever yeah, I think I think you got something. Yeah, I'll play

I'll try it at the cellar tonight. What if you go a point two all right? Well, what if I got your age wrong by point two or something? You know like I'm with point two is it's not like it's not a lot It's yeah, it's also like, was it two months? You know what I mean? That's the only issue. That's why I like gold medal. That's a perfect analogy, but yeah.

It didn't work. Maybe I'll try it again, shit. I think you'd have to make her rating way lower, like a two, but then you say, oh, you're two points off, and then two points, you can do that a lot. That's like two inches. Yeah, that's like two inches. Yeah, if you make her, then we say are you two two points off and then two points you can yeah, that's like two inches Yeah, that's like two inches Have you make her it's a little more off. I think you're safe. Maybe that's like a deal. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's good point

Yeah Point two seconds could save your life if you're drowning whatever it is, you know, yeah, that's funny You got to open your chute and point two or else you dead. I don't know You gotta open your shoot and point two, or else you dead, I don't know. It's close. It's close. Point two. I think you open it up a little more

to make it a bigger gap between the scores or the ratings. Yeah, I'm gonna play with it. Good call. Good shit, guys. What was? All right, you're a rat. Who has that funny joke where they're like, I got into a cab the other day,

today the guy smelled like shit. Somebody goes, whoa, that's racist. And you're like I got into a cab the other day today the guy smelled like shit Somebody goes whoa, that's racist, and you're like it was a white guy. Oh shit. Wow. Yeah, that's a good job Somebody has that I was like oh, I wish I had that joke. That's fucking great. That's great Wait when does this come out Matt? Yeah, he just saw me in Oslo So I guess I'll be. Oslo. Yeah, he just saw me in Oslo. Damn.

Stockholm, just added Spokane, Spokane, Washington, October 24th through 26th. I'll be with little Gary, you know he's gonna make me pay. And then I'll be in November 21st through 23rd. I'll be in Cleveland at Hilarity's, another great club. And I'll add a few more before we do a big, and now I'll probably, by the way, I probably would have announced a theater tour by now.

So go to my Instagram, I would think I've announced a theater tour by now. So I'm probably coming to your city, punchup.live slash samorail, or just samorail.com, and go to punchup.live slash marknormand, it's Mark Normand Comedy? Marknormandcomedy.com.

But Punch Up is just my name. Yeah, PunchUp.live slash Mark Norman. Mark, where you going? One second, Sam also just dropped his last special on Punch Up Live. Oh yeah. Yeah, well now it's gonna be on YouTube. I'm gonna move it to YouTube.

Okay. That's a lot of YouTube content you got. Yeah, you just gotta get our stuff. It's cool to own our shit. Hell yeah. All right, love it. You'll get yours back. Yeah, can't wait. I sold mine to Hulu. Did you? Yeah. Pretty cool. Yeah, get a couple extra bucks, throw it on Hulu, and it's on YouTube, so. Pretty cool. Fuck it, let it ride. Fort Lauderdale, coming at ya. Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Toronto. We had a show doing the Rogue Island Comedy Fest.

Monterey, California, Oakland, Winnipeg, Edmonton, Cleveland, Hilarities, Good Club, Fayetteville, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater, come on Larry David, Poughkeepsie, Torrington, Connecticut, North Charleston, South Carolina, and Asheville, NOLA, Wilkes-Barre, and Inglewood, New Jersey. So yeah, come on out folks. We'd love to have you. Get some Bodega Cat. We got the hot new bottle looking sexy, strong, and yeah. Patreon, we'll see you in hell. Up on the roof like a cop's comin' And naked Samuel is feelin' dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true