We Might Be Drunk - Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah

Episode Date: December 30, 2024

It's the end of 2024 and a holiday celebration with our friends Joe DeRosa and Rachel Feinstein, with a pop in from Santa and his elves and wrapping it up with Magician Seth Dale.  Thank you for spending 2024 with us and we look forward to what 2025 will bring. Support the show and sign up for a $1 per month trial of Shopify at https://www.shopify.com/drunk Your Holiday wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code DRUNK20 at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/DRUNK20 Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Joe DeRosa: Tickets/Tour: https://www.joederosa.com/calendar Rachel Feinstein: Tickets/Tour: https://rachel-feinstein.com/#tourdates Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/?hl=en   #wemightbedrunk #marknormand #sammorril #podcast #drunkpodcast #comedy #comedian #funny #gothampodcast

Shame you're not a father because you would kill it. There's still time. He said he doesn't want it. Imagine you had a lawn. This lawn would be unbelievable. Your neighbors would hate you. Look at those hands. He could grab a wrist.

Oh yeah. When dad would grab a wrist you were in trouble. Hate the wrist. Then place it on his cock. Make him finish you to completion. Those were the days. The worst was back of the neck. If you got a back of the neck, you were going right to hell.

Yeah, not good. No, I got my parents fucking. Really? Yeah, I joined in. And he started choking you? Yeah. And then you came. We all came, I'll tell you.

He went front of the neck. Yeah, I love this time of year, man. Oh, it's the best. It's the best time of year. I don't know. Well, you got eight nights. Yeah. Crazy nights.

Eight crazy nights. But Christmas, I love Christmas. A little all-day MBA on Christmas. We, you got eight nights. Yeah. Crazy nights. Eight crazy nights. But Christmas, I love Christmas. Little all day MBA on Christmas. We got football now too. I mean, this is, this is a good time. I love to order a little Chinese food. Hell yeah. Watch my Knickerbockers.

Yeah, you can't beat it. I mean, the guy with the Santa guy with the bell, the tree and Rockefeller, the ice skating, the hobo pissing with the dirty Santa hat. The hobo pissing is what does it for me. Oh yeah. Good times. And it really is, like you feel the cheer. People are, they're in good spirits. Yeah. I'm going to the family, the wife's family, and they got kids running around. Without the kids, it's kind of sad, to be honest. That's a good point. The kids really make it. I guess my life is sad. Yeah. No one wanted to tell you. No. I mean, obviously Christmas is great, but when you got these kids running around, they're

ripping open the present like, oh my god, a Nintendo or whatever kids are playing with. No kids do help. Oh yeah, Halloween, obviously kids. Oh look what we got here. Oh, we got to talk about this. Everything about my picture is better than yours by the way. Everything. Better lighting.

He's smiling. For those listening, Matt Salacuces holding up my picture with Larry David next to Mark's. Yeah. Yeah, Larry does not look happy in yours. I got a smile. Oh yeah, he hated it. I mean, I told the story. I want to hear your story. So I'm in Austin. My agent reps Larry David now for live events. This is why we're having more trouble selling tickets on the road. We're going up against everybody. Yeah Not just comics now. It's you know, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Right. It's it's comedians. I know. Hawk Tua is doing a tour You see that? I didn't. Yeah, she's out there. She's only taking money in Hawk Tua coin. It's Bitcoin. Yeah. Yeah, so

Yeah, I'm at the show and The same agent who intro'd you is kinda like, hey, you wanna meet him? And I was like, only if I'm not annoying him. Okay. I don't wanna, this is my nightmare. And I'm extra nervous because I know Mark's story and I'm just like, you know, it was a fun show,

Suzy Essman and JB Smoove come out. Whoa. Jeff Schaefer from Curb and Seinfeld. Hell yeah. He's, you know, running the interview. Yeah. And it's funny. It's Larry's being hilarious. Some stories we've heard, the George fired story, but then there's so many other funny stories. I mean, you saw the show. Did you see the Q&A? Yeah. That was the highlight. That was the highlight

because people are so, man, it's like, by the way, you really do realize what his fan base is. And man, if there was a Nazi in there, he would have lost his mind. You just hear voices behind me like, I go to the store the other day, this happened. I'm like, oh my God, this is his fan base. It's us, we're just complaining. Like, the guy sits next to me,

he just starts complaining instantly. I'm like, it's whiners. Well, he made it an art, you know, like. But whining is not an art, he's just great at it. He's great at it, yeah. It's like a bar room boxer. You go, fuck this guy, he's an asshole, but you put him in a ring and he's a genius.

It's so true, but then everyone there thinks they've got the charisma, because they're whining. Yes. You get a lot of people, one guy said, hey, we'd love to hear your rendition of These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty, and Larry just goes, nah. Nah.

And they're crushed. That's what you want him to do, too. Totally, oh, it's so funny, at the beginning, he's like, I am not like Larry David, I. And then as the show goes on you're like, I'm pretty sure you are. Pretty sure, it's exactly who you are. That's why the show works. I think he's a nicer guy. Yeah.

But he can't fake it. And then, you know, a few other questions that were just like, you're like, alright, enough. And after the show I go back there and I'm like, I'm not gonna, I'm gonna be quick. I don't wanna bother him. And I got the perfect intro until he goes, we have a quick talk and I go, the show was good, which is all anyone wants to hear. Yes.

You just wanna hear the show was good. Yes. He goes, really? And I said, yeah, it was really good. Oh wow. It was really funny and I said, I'm a big fan. My favorite episode is Corpse Sniffing Dog and he smiled. Oh.

I gotta smile at it. I love, because they were talking about callbacks on stage and how much they love callback. JB was saying how much he loves, like, you know, setting something up and you bring it back later. I love the end where he blows a dog whistle and the dog runs down, I love that. Was that Car Wash Cunt?

No. Oh, that's a different one, okay. That's the... Fuck you, you Car Wash Cunt. Same season. Okay, okay. But yeah, we talked a little more and then the only hiccup we had was... Okay, a hic Okay, okay. But, yeah, we talked a little more, and then the only hiccup we had was.

Okay, a hiccup, finally. Minor hiccup, because I tell the agent, I say, get a picture. Yes. Like, I don't wanna ask. So you say, oh, we should get a picture with you, because he goes, oh, you're, you know, we talked a little about stand, he goes, you're a stand-up.

Oh, you got the stand-up capo. Yeah, the agent goes, this is a really funny stand-up we represent. Oh. So he was like, he smiled, and then he goes, where do you live? And I go, New York. And he kind of, he was friendly. But I also didn't want to overstay my welcome,

so that was it. And then the agent, let's get a picture of you two. And right as he says that, a mouthful of hummus and celery. And he's like, and he just looked annoyed. I was like, ah, my moment, my moment. But then he swallowed and then he smiled again. I got this. Man, I feel like I licked his toes and you got to fuck him.

Yeah. Man, oh man. Is there any chance it's the same agent? It is the same guy. The same exact person? Who listened to us talking about it and felt horrible. Good, you fucked me. I hope you feel bad.

He eyed the dry run. You got the real show. I, but I was in and out. I didn't want to, and then the next night I'm at the Comedy Mothership, and guess who's in the green room? Quentin Tarantino. Holy shit.

Larry David Wednesday, Tarantino Thursday. Did you see him? Yeah, I got one laugh and then I walked out. Oh, that's great. I didn't wanna, because he was talking Adam Egets in there, Rogan's in there, Tony Hinchcliffe's in there, and I didn't wanna, I'm just there kinda listening,

because he's there with, you know, Joe, he did his podcast. Oh, cool. But yeah, I got one laugh and I was like, I'm out of here. Can we hear it or is it offensive? Rogan said something about Jamal Khashoggi, you know, who got murdered in Saudi Arabia. Oh, right. Yeah, and I go, yeah, it turns out a journalist

in Saudi Arabia, not a good job. Ha ha ha ha ha. Got a Tarantino laugh out of that. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I like that guy. But we, I just kind of stayed in the corner

and then you kind of see him, he's like so energetic. Yes. I mean like characters, he's doing like a performance, he's doing a Joker impression, it was like the worst impression I've ever heard. Wow. But as Tarantinos, we're all just like, uh-huh. Like you can tell how much we respect him

by how much we're just being like, uh-huh. Sure, sure, he's a lot, I hear. But that's so cool, I mean, was he like, let me see your feet? I wish. He loves feet. I know, not my feet. He likes Margot Robbie's feet. Go from Margot Robbie's feet to these.

Good point. What are you, catching salmon with those toes? It's got some talons over here. Sam Talon. And then I did Dr. Phil Live on Friday. Wow, what a week. Yeah, it was pretty fun. We FaceTimed you from the stage.

Oh yeah. Killed. That was fun. It was a little choppy, unfortunately, because I was hiding in the broom closet of a comedy club in Rhode Island. So it was a little choppy, but we because I was hiding in the broom closet of a comedy club in Rhode Island. So it was a little choppy, but we pulled it out. We had a good time, and yeah, I mean, he sold out the round.

Celebrity Theater in Phoenix was a hot show. We had AI Mark Norman come out. Look how beautiful. Hey, look at Corolla's badass. My old teammate, father. Ha ha ha ha ha. Who's that? Corolla and I got shitfaced.

Really? Adam Corolla and I got fucking smashed. How cool is that? We- You and Loveline. There I am laughing. That's great. We'll be right back.

Yeah, but- What's Corolla's drink? He was drinking gin martinis. So we end up at this really cool bar. It's like a, I forgot what it's called. You get to look up Airplane Bar in Phoenix. It's like a... I forgot what it's called. You get to look up Airplane Bar in Phoenix. It's like set up to look like everyone's dressed like they're a stewardess or something. And...

I mean, all the comics made fun of me because they were like, you were in like a bear hug with Corolla for three hours. I was like, I'm fucked up. Haha, yeah. He'll keep you in. He's a talker. Oh, yeah. He was unleashing some crazy childhood shit. Oh, he's got talker. Oh, yeah, he was he was on he was unleashing some crazy. This is childhood shit Oh, he's got trauma. He's got trauma for sure Rabbit pellet oh, there's a I mark norm areas it killed dude really yeah, I'm coming out on the skateboard and then just going like I don't get it Jeremiah so funny so funny. He's so funny. It's crazy. I love it. Some people have been like

you you're gonna fight that guy how crazy I'm like no I think it's fun. It's an honor. Yeah I'm into it so keep going on Jeremiah. It makes me realize how much of a cartoon character you are like the outfit like it all kind of. It all works. It all works. Yeah he's good at it I mean too bad he doesn't have his own act, but you know he's great at the uh No, I'm just kidding Jeremiah's the man and he nails it. He everything he does he kills Yeah, so wow what a week Celebrity Theatre Larry David Quentin Tarantino the mothership I mean you're you're all over get a lot of fun stuff and podcasts. We did some pods. How about you? How was your how was seven shows the Providence, Rhode Island? Classic comedy club. Used to be a bank. Yes. And I

love when you can tell it used to be a bank. Yeah, right. That big, like that's where the vault was. Right. The green room was in the vault. They still got the big old metal door. But what, oh wait, let me, let me run this by you. Did Tulane University on Tuesday. You went there. About a year and a half, yeah. Also known as Jew Lane. Yeah. I did some Hamas jokes. They were like, yeah!

It's a whole, it's Larry David's crowd, basically. Then flew in to do a one-nighter with List in Jersey. Whoa. Got home at 1 a.m., had a 7 a.m. flight to Nashville. Hell. Hell, and the fumes are kickin' in. I'm like, Tulm. flight to Nashville. Hell. Hell. And the fumes are kicking in. I'm like Tulane to Jersey to Nashville. Because we can't say no. I feel sick right now. I know. Because we just keep moving. Well it was Jelly Rolls roast and I was like,

man, Whitney, Tony, Burt, Big J, Adam Ray, it was like a who's who and I was like I want to be a part of that and and he started thinking I just got to get on a plane. All you got to do is sit with a with a suitcase how hard is it how hard can it be can be but it's it's the waking up it's the the drinking it's the no sleep and so it was hell but got to Nashville on no sleep I'm burning the midnight oil Burt goes you want to do something's burning I can't say no. Let's do it.

The roast is until eight. Who is it with? It was me and Big Jay. That's fun. And Burt got a big Airbnb. We made Nashville hot chicken. We started drinking immediately. Did he nail it too?

Yeah, he really killed it actually. It was good. Burt is a good cook. He can cook if you don't mind no hand washing. Hey, speaking of no hand washing That's a hell of a sandwich. This is who I want to see on the holidays. Howdy sailor. Good to see you man. You look great What do you cut cut back on the sauce? Oh no You're good you're good what an entrance this is like the most depressing sitcom no

Whatever What an entrance. This is like the most depressing sitcom. No, sit there. Here, here, here. Whatever. Uh, no, no, um, uh, just eating better. Good to see you buddy. You too. Uh, just eating better and testosterone. Hell, oh, you're on the tee? Everyone's on it. Minimal exercise. Nice. Minimal exercise.

That was one of my jokes at the roast. We had Burt with no shirt on and Tony and I said no tee to low tee. How was it? How was the uh? Well I just I did jelly rolls roast on Wednesday. Okay, is the breath that bad? No, but I can't like I'm turning like this. I see. Sorry.

Can we get it? We've got a frame on that. He's got a wide torso. So you did jelly rolls roast. Jelly rolls roast and it was a real who's who at Zany's, sold out, Kid Rock is in the fucking rafters and Cole Hauser, the guy from Westwood. Yellowstone. Yellowstone, that's it.

Yeah. And it was like a lot of people there and Jelly Rolls on stage. I was drunk from Something's Burning and I didn't really prepare that much. I bombed my face off and I had like a... Like straight wall to wall bomb? I got a couple of chuckles on the bomb, like how bad I'm... This is going horribly. That was a... I got some save lines.

You and Andy Kindler. Yes! That sucked. Look at me. I'm like... I'm trying to look at my notes. I'm drunk. That's after I went on. Was that his wife? That's his wife. Okay there's jelly. Never a good sign when you're looking at your notes after you go on because I'm like where did I go wrong? I fucking died I apologized to jelly roll

it's it's pretty humiliating because all your comic friends are on stage with you like what's going on what are you doing? Did anybody else struggle? Oh yeah oh yeah. Okay so it wasn't like who had the worst set of the night? I don't wanna say. I would tell you if I didn't bomb that bad, but one guy had a real kill down. Can you say it and bleep it? I know who it is already. You already know.

I was just trying to poke him. You saw the deus. Oh, there's the guy from Yellowstone. No, honestly, I'm really, I don't know. Chris Porter killed, oh what's the, Will Compton did better than me. He's an athlete I'm gonna be when I went on to will from yeah. Yeah, he did great actually. I'm gonna point but don't show it Okay, I mean, I think you know

Just say the name and he'll believe it you got He had a bit of a meltdown but I had one of those bombs Sorry, never mind. No, just I had one of those bombs where I mean the sorry never mind No, just say no gonna make it no no no cuz I say what I'm gonna say I'm gonna start giving clues away. Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead. He killed He did he did let me do what a jelly roll song every one of them is and he sang it and it broke down his Structure and it was great Chris is amazing. He's so underrated Chris Porter funny, dude Yeah, funny dude cool, dude when he first came out

He looked like he looked like a fucking hippie. Oh, yeah, like long hair, and he would wear like bell bottoms and shit Yeah, that's right. He had a great bit about like you know why why the environment's fucked because women won't bang guys who ride the bus That's a great angle yeah, yeah,'s really funny. He did, oh, it was on Fully Loaded. I was there when you guys weren't there. But the week I was on, Chris came and did one of the shows and he like leveled. I was like, Jesus Christ, man. He's a pro.

Yeah, he's awesome. He had that old joke about drinking and smoking. You don't have to drink when you smoke, but you gotta smoke when you drink. It's kinda like how you don't have to drink when you smoke, but you got to smoke when you drink It's kind of like how you don't have to pee You could pee without shitting but when you're shitting you got to pee Dirty Seinfeld I fucked it up, but it's a man. It's a great analogy He'll feel like an ugly Willy Wonka

Is that okras in in the back there? Yeah, okras and let me let me give okras in as the kids say is flowers Yeah, he didn't know it was aerson, as the kids say, his flowers. He didn't know it was a roast. He thought it was just like a happy birthday party. So he went up and winged it, a la Patrice O'Neill, at the Charlie Sheen roast. Really? And crushed! How did he wing it? He was just completely honest. He was like, I didn't know this was a roast, but this is how I feel about Tony.

This is how I feel about Whitney. This is how I feel about Jelly Roll and it was crushing. Do you remember the lines? I don't. All I remember is Whitney's like, Whitney had like a tank top on and goes, I know you just had a kid but you brought the twins. That's all I can remember. All right.

But, oh, Adam Ray crushed too. Yeah, that's great. By the way, people are gonna do the math to figure out how this was. Oh shit, you're right. He's going down the list, this guy was great, this guy was great. We haven't heard one name. Whitney annihilated.

Whitney might have had the best stuff. Burt said he flew with her from LA and she was writing the whole time. Six hours to just, you know. Well, Mark and I, just so you guys know, the 27th of December, Netflix roast of the year, whatever it's called. Mark and I, we might be making a huge mistake, oh this might be great, we're gonna go up together and do like, we're gonna do like a dark weekend update type thing.

That's fun. But I think we're gonna work it out tonight at the cellar, we'll figure it out. You said you got a ton of topical shit. I got a ton, I need to organize it, but I got a lot of it. I got a lot too. That's fun, that's fun. What is to organize it but I got a lot of it. I got a lot too. That's fun.

That's fun. What is it though? It's the roast of the year. It's just like you roast the year. Yeah, Diddy, Hoctua, Luigi. Okay, yeah. Well, yeah, Luigi. This fucking city.

I know. We got to talk about Luigi. Oh, I guess that's pretty topical. Well, I've been back for three days, two days. I've been furious from the second I stepped into the city. This city can rape you right in the ass. When you're gone for a while and you come back, you really, it really shines a light

on how bad you're getting fucked. 100%. From every angle. I mean, I called a bicycle a cunt today. Guy almost hit me on his bike. I was a fucking cunt. Wow. Like, I'm paying $70 a day to park my fucking car. Yeah, it's just ridiculous drizzling and cold Yeah, but I was on de Stefanos pod yesterday. Oh bitching a guy who bailed on us today He's supposed to be here that supposed to be here dirty Guinea. He bailed this morning

I didn't even know he was coming cuz I didn't know know you were coming. Matt wouldn't tell us the guest, so it was like a surprise. Oh, you didn't know I was coming until I walked in? No, it was a sad sight. Oh, God, you really didn't fucking, that was zero reaction. You acted like you knew I was coming for dates.

I found out today. We knew, we knew. I found out today, I found out today, because he told us that Chris, and I was like, well, who's coming? So we found out today. But yeah, Chris called me the other day, like we talked on the phone for a while, and he's like, can't wait to see you next week. So I was like, well, who's coming? So we found out today. But yeah, Chris called me the other day, like we talked on the phone for a while,

and he's like, can't wait to see you next week. So I was like, oh great, so now I'm like disappointed. Anyway, fuck you, Chris. His daughter's sick. Your partner doesn't work. She could have carried the lifting. His daughter is definitely sick. All right, I'm sorry.

I hope she feels better. He told me yesterday he got puked on by his kid. So his daughter really is sick, so maybe it's bad. But we were, I was bitching about how expensive this fucking, I was like, it's out of control. You live in an airport at this point. It's bad. It's so expensive.

I go, you wanna know how expensive this fucking city is? The CEO that got murdered was staying in a Hilton. Ah! It's how fucking ridiculous this city's become. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. You sell your soul to stay in a fucking airport hotel. Damn.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what's, have you heard Veeder's bit? What'd he say? About it? He's like, they went to his hotel room, they found no DNA. He's like, you go to my hotel room, there's DNA on the ceiling, whatever. That's funny.

Funny take. That's funny. He's a funny kid. He's a good kid. Little Gary. So what's going on? Where's the, we're not drinking? I thought there was, do we drink, punk? He's in a bad way. I'm sick, I'm rough.

I'll have one. Wait, are you sick, sick? Yeah, I've got COVID. No, no, no, are you sick like you're hungover? Are you like sick? No, I'm run down. I've been like four cities. But you don't have like the flu.

Oh, you just mean like you're, you feel like shit. I'm with you. All right. It'd be nice if we got some eggnog. I would. Maybe you'll have one if we do. I'm with you. All right. It'd be nice if we got some eggnog. I went- We all have one if we do. I'm a little fucking crazy these last two nights. My last show of the year was Saturday.

And I came right from Somerville, Massachusetts to New York. Wow. And Sunday basically I was like, that's all right, Christmas has started, let's go. Yeah. And I'm gonna get, I can feel it. Like I'm gonna get sick when I go home.

Yeah. I went to US. I knew it was coming. I saw my rowdy and I was like I'm fucked But you can go right to your own bar. That's got to feel pretty good I went the last two nights Wow, and I went both nights like close to close and like just you know, it's great Oh, yeah going at that time. It's awesome because then you're like, you know, you take it over Yes fucking you know, they'll obviously stay open late for sure you know it's just me and the you know whoever I'm with my boys. Do they give you a better reaction than we

did when you walk in? Much better. Oh shit. A lot of it's I feel like shit I am very happy to see you. I'm happy to see you too yeah. Speaking of parties and party whenever I didn't get fucking invited to the bodega cat thing you were out town I got no invite you weren't here. I wasn't but still Well you were in Philly, we knew you were in Philly Yeah we knew you weren't there Maybe I would take the trip maybe I don't know, you never know

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This is for you. Happy holidays! Oh, baby! Hey, guys. Oh, what do you got there? Bruce keys? Whoa Alright I'll take a big ol sip Who do who

Rugala rugala rugala rugala, okay. Okay. Thank from? The North Pole. How you doing there? That's a Jewish Santa. I thought that was Stav. We couldn't get Stav. Yes, Stav brings his sack. Happy Holidays. Oh, what's in the sack there? Presents. Good boys and girls. Oh, you sound like P. Diddy.itty nice do we really get a present? Yes All right. All right. Well break them out Sam and hand me a rugala Well, you there Jew face look at this guy just takes out a ghost gun and shoots us I see a fucking present you pieces. Oh, thank you there Joe Joe. I'll take a little bit I said a rugala. It was like like like What do you call this? Oh, thank you Let's see It was like lettuce. Oh wait. Arugula? What do you call this? Arugula.

Ruggula. Thank you. Merry Christmas. Let's see what I got here. Oh, it's a gift to the party. Come on. You just giving me their swag? Oh, hey, thank you.

I could have got this with that if it wasn't Christmas. That's true. We gotta give you something. Thank you. What's a rugula? No. What is it? I don't know what it is.

It's a Jewish foreskin. That's what they do? No. What is it? I don't know what it is. It's a Jewish foreskin. That's what they do with it. Yeah. They fill it with chocolate. It looks good. I'm just not in the mood for sweets. Get this man a whiskey. Thank you.

Thank you. Ho, ho, ho. Happy holidays. You don't have any eggnog. What kind of beer is it? It's Travis Kelsey's beer. Grown up to be. Nah, I might do a whiskey or something. I'll do a couple swings of the Travis Kelsey horse piss.

You guys have any bourbon? Because you guys only make rye, right? We got a ton of bourbon. We got bourbon. We got tequila, we got vodka. Can I have a bourbon on the rocks? What happened? Do you usually have a bartender in here?

What's going on? Is the operations falling apart? Christmas holiday. He took off. The stefanote didn't show up. He was shot and fell. What happened? Do you have a bartender in here? What's going on? Is operations falling apart? This was holiday. He took off. The Stefano didn't show up. He was shot and that one was hurtful.

Yeah. Yeah, it's- And no Yannis either? Yannis bailed too apparently? The- wait, who was texting me? Was that you, Sal? Peters. Oh, Peters. He texted me at like 1230. He was like, please tell me you're still coming They're dropping off like flies man. Everybody's cancer. I was like, yeah, I'm coming man. So This around the real holidays. What the hell? I did your last Christmas show. Yeah, you're definitely a Christmas guest

Yeah, it was me and Gillis wasn't it and a tell. Oh, yeah Then we went to fucking that's the night we went to a big house Jacks or whatever the fuck it's called old homestead homestead. Yeah, you know fucking lit. You have to do we need the Grinch By the way, we had another big guest bail last minute who it was gonna be a big surprise He was gonna come out of a box the Rizzler No, we didn't so I brought my kid He's not fat enough Why did the Rizzler bail?

Oh the Rizzler bailed? Why did the Rizzler bail? I have homework I don't know Who's the Rizzler? Stand by Who's the Rizzler? Boy you've been living in a cave there Who the hell is the Rizzler? That guy? The fat kid who does the... Pull up him wrapping so he understands.

This kid, come on. His feet don't hit the floor. Wait, this kid was gonna come? Yes! Thanks, man. Thank you for being here. Now, you're known for the Riz face. This kid's getting laid like you wouldn't believe.

I heard he fucked Kate Beckinsale. Guys, what does this world come from? You get a 12 year old influencer, old Fallon. This is insane. I know. He's that big. Thank you. We'll have the picture of me with him.

Oh, right, yeah. Sam's a huge fan. In a tonight show, he should have like Jack Nicholson and Sinatra on it. This is fucking crazy. I know. He's got his own bitcoin. Oh my God. And tonight she said like Jack Nicholson That's great this guy stood us up He's pretty big you know what the stuff knows one thing with the Rizzo's a star yeah, yeah Fucking tough man. We had jd2, but he's gotten some trouble Yeah So he was gonna bring the Rizzo out of it That is fucking tough. Man, we had Jay-Z too, but he's gotten some trouble.

So he was gonna bring the Rizzler out of it. We would have opened a gift and the Rizzler would have popped out of a box and done the Rizz thing. Oh! It would have been the best Christmas ever! You should have told him about the candy we had. Yeah.

He would have shown. You got the- The Ruggala and the cookies. Yeah, the Ruggala. The, that's wow. Yeah, no, I was asking all these cause you never know. There's a lot of these kids on the internet

And then you know knock is that you think it's like a kid and he's like, I'm 47 You think he feels worse or is he like thank God I think that's their trans they're like, oh I got pulled the rug I'm right. Wait if what happened if a pedo gets one of those like fake kids It's like a ladyboy. Are they upset or are they kind of like, yeah, yeah. I dodge a bullet, right? No, I think they're,

I think it's, yeah. They're probably upset. I think it's, you know, I think the danger is half of what it is. Oh, you think? With pedophiles. It's well with most sex offenders of any kind, because like Cosby was a great example.

I always said about Cosby, I was like, I don't understand, like he's so rich. Why wouldn't he just tell a woman what he's into? And be like, look, sign this thing that says, you know I'm gonna drug you. And if you're into it, then you drink this, you're gonna pass out, I'm gonna bang you. Sure.

But the people are like, no, that's not what he gets off on. He gets off, exactly, yeah. Interesting. Yeah, cause he could get laid, obviously. He was America's dad. Do you ever see little children? Do you ever see that movie? No, it's a very disturbing movie, but uh, well, it's got disturbing parts overall It's not okay. Pull it up. Anyway, that's the movie that Jackie remember the kid

They got Jackie Haley was in the Bad News Bears. He made that weird come back. Yes. Yes This was the movie that he got nominated for whoa but he pays a pedophile in it. And one of the things he says to this woman who's of age is like, you're not gonna tell on me, right? You're not gonna tell on me. Because that's part of what they get off. Yeah, yeah.

It's our secret, you know. Sure. All that shit, so. Oh dude, I just read this book. Let me make sure I remember the names so I can write. There's a hard wreck right here. Big time wreck It's called a murder in Hollywood the untold story of Tinseltown's most shocking crime Casey Sherman Lana Turner, man

She dated the worst fucking people on the planet this act was about like Mickey Cone and this gangster John Stimpenato One of the guys she dates I forgot his name. It's Lex something. He was like a he was a movie star back then He's raping her daughter. Two years behind her back from, she was 10 to 12. Wow. He didn't even get in trouble for it. What? How'd he get in trouble?

He got away and it was kinda like, I don't know, she was a bad mom on top of it. I mean, she also, she was dating this gangster, John Stumpinato, and he beat the shit out of her for like years. Crazy story about this. This gangster's beating the crap out of her for like years. Crazy story about this, this gangster's beating the crap out of her, he's jealous, he's like Mickey Cone's guy,

he's super dangerous. But they would trick people, Mickey Cone and Stumpernato, they would videotape celebrities in compromising positions. They would blackmail them, so you get like Cary Grant maybe doing some gay shit. And you're like, we'll end your career. So anyway, she's shooting a movie and I think England and the young star is Sean Connery

oh holy shit it's like his big break yeah but no one knows the fuck he is but this gangster is jealous or like wow the rumors are hooking up and I'm gonna kill this guy so he just walks up to Connery puts a gun to his fucking chest and goes I don't want I don't want to see you on the set again Connery grabs a gun knocks him onto fucking chest, and goes, I don't wanna see you on the set again. Connery grabs the gun, knocks him onto the ground, punches him in the face, and the guy ran away. I'm like, holy shit, Sean Connery, man. Jesus Christ.

Wow, nice to hear he didn't hit a woman. That's what he's known for. Yeah, that crazy interview. Yes. You ever see when he doubles down on it? Yes, I love it. Yeah, she interviews him like five years later, he's like, I haven't changed my mind.

I'm like, holy shit. Yeah, he's a badass in every way. Pull up the guy's name who was molesting Lana Turner. I want to make sure we know his fucking name so I'm, you know. Yeah, he's Scottish. Scots don't fuck around. Lex something, Lana, just put Lex Lana Turner. I forgot it. I feel, yeah I should know his fucking name. I did a gig in Glasgow and there was a stabbing like right outside my theater. Really? It's a Scotland's wild

Stompanato no, that's not that's a gangster stomp an auto. Yeah, Scotland is it's kind of nuts Oh, yeah, everybody's really nice, but there's like a really wild side to it. It's like Ireland. It was nice Yeah, then they get there's this wild side. told me the Sun goes down people start going fucking crazy Yeah, yeah big stabby big drug place Yeah, dude. I was in a Ireland in Galway Hmm, and I was in an uber and this guy was like he was wasted He was like swerving all over the place whatever the driver. Yeah. Oh wow

Then the next night I was in another uber and over the place, whatever. The driver? Yeah. Oh, wow. And then the next night I was in another Uber and I was talking to the Uber driver and he's like, you know, have you enjoyed your stay getting around town? Okay. And I go, well, my Uber driver last night, I think he was drunk. He was swerving everywhere. And he goes, no, we don't do that anymore. But he said it like, yeah, that's just how we used to roll.

He was like, but we try not to do that. You know how the hell that goes. Yeah. Those cab drivers would be just having like a fucking. A beer between your legs. You know, I mean, are you serious? They do to that goes. Yeah. Those cab drivers would be just having like a fucking a beer between your legs. You know, I mean you. Are you serious? They do to go cocktails.

Yes. What do you think that's, it's not just for walking. People pull up and like, yeah I'll have a pina colada. The street in my town, the main street, where I have my house, in the summertime it starts on Memorial Day and it goes until, like I think like Halloween.

Every weekend, 6 p.m., road is shut down, you can't drive down it until Monday morning. Whoa. Open container, bars all have carts outside, they're selling jello shots in the street. It's fucking awesome. That's great. It's awesome.

Yeah, it's this quaint little beautiful street. Sure. And they're just like, let's party, it's the summertime, let's go, it's so fucking awesome. That's great. It's awesome. Yeah, it's this quaint little beautiful street. Sure. And they're just like, let's party. It's the summertime. Let's go. It's so fucking fun. COVID was like that. Remember, COVID was in New York.

They're like, fuck it. Drink outside. That's when they started doing it. Oh, there you go. And the town kept it. You know what would have been a real party? If the Rizzler showed up. Ah.

In a box. I mean, what do you do with them though, after it makes the face one time? You got to sit here and talk to the kid You have to fiddle it What else other option do you have? You have to That's what the subway guy did Guys who are so bad at kids they don't know what else to do

Yeah Money, but could you imagine the attitude on this fucking kid? I mean Ricky Rich. He was sitting on Fallon I know. He looked like he deserved to be there Yeah, of course. I'm fucking here. What do you think? That's a good point. The Rizler's the star That's gonna come and go he's gonna get young diabetes and he's gonna fizzle out He's gonna age well man. Fuck you. Is that his family next to him? No, that's the other like course They're like no, it's a Costco family. Yeah, he's the snow the Rizzo is the big dog You guys what's the Costco get him wrapping up Costco next pull up his holiday rap, dude

Don't act like the Rizzo DeRosa you rap don't act like the Rizzo doesn't have bars here Pull up his his holiday rap. Yes. He's got one move. I don't know. I don't know. He's got range dude. Alright. Is this directed by Homeless Pimp? I think it is. No? How many views does this have? All right, 69k. Who's that guy? Who's the other guy? They're gonna be playing this in the club dude, I mean this is why the terrorists hate us Shooter No, I want to hear Riz rap yeah get to the Riz. Ahhhhh. This kid's fucking hotter than all of us.

That's the worst part about it. How old is he? Twelve? Nooooo. With that much charisma? Please. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? With that much charisma? Please.

What the? What's that mean? What's that mean? What? The UK? Third grade, so he is... Wait, what did you say? What condom versus UK? I'll see. Anyone else hard? That was a good line let up the block call me that's a good line. He don't even know who Griswold is He's DeRosa approved though

He's DeRosa approved though right? No think we can get homeless Pimp Shots? I think so. Yeah I told you. Get Pimp on the phone. Will we get him at a later date? He'll come in. I'm gonna cool it with the fat jokes. He's gonna have secret service or fat jokes. You're making diddle jokes about him.

That's not real. Service over that joke. She's making diddle jokes about it That's not real the fat is real He's a cute kid Who is Eric D. Losandro? That this guy's not huge he's got 30,000 subscribers videos with his see? He put up his song with Kendrick. I'm kidding. Oh! I think he went after Schultz, the Rizzler. No, so Eric's a comic.

Oh no. He looks familiar. He's in New York. He does look familiar. I guess, you know, we've probably done shows with him somewhere, but. Man, big, big week for WAPs. This guy, the shooter, Salak Ust.

That guy's got, he's on a different diet than the Rizzler though. Oh yeah. How do you have time to get shredded and write a manifesto? I know. That's a lot. Well he was valedictorian. To be that angry? It's wild.

So they found his manifesto? Three pages handwritten. Yeah. Had it on him. It's only three pages? Handwritten. I thought a manifesto was like, single-spaced. It's a little short.

It's a little short. But hey, ChadGBT wrote most of it. Now he's still only suspected, right? Oh, it's gotta be him. You know? They got the ghost gun. Some people were saying he didn't, you know, because the eyebrows are a little more connected a few days later, but guess what?

As someone with eyebrows like that, if you don't bring tweezers on the road, they are gonna fucking look like that. You gotta pluck. Yeah. So the rumor is he had a back issue And that's what turned him because they have the medical they wouldn't help him with his back I got I think I had a joke angle on this. Okay for our thing Okay, something along the lines of yeah, that was that's not that went viral. Who's that? That's the guy who reps Tommy DeVito on the on the Giants. He's like that Italian agent.

Oh, that's hilarious. Look at this guy. He's perfect. But yeah, Antonio Brown stole your tweet. Yeah, whatever. I texted you. He's got bigger problems. Yeah, he's a wild one.

Great follow, but he's a wild dude. He stole one of your tweets? I guess. Norman told me, I didn't know. I mean, if you roll through, he tweets like 38 times a day, but if you roll through- You think it it actually him

I think so cuz there's deranged and and erratic as he is Pull up Antonio Brown Twitter a B. Yeah that like internet culture. It's like oh You're buddy. There was a Rizzo. He's no Rizzo. Yeah It's why I'm like we would have felt that Like youtubers like that that only ever did YouTube, like just professional YouTubers, that's their only thing. They just like, it's weird, they just steal from each other. I know.

They're just fine with it. It's like comics in the 50s. Yeah, it's really odd. It's odd. Hey, is that Caitlin Klar? Mm-hmm. Alright, good for her. Alright, keep going, keep going.

Just keep going until you see Sam's tweet. Oh. Keep going. He tweets a going. Just keep going till you see Sam's tweet. Oh Keep going. He tweets a lot. I'm telling you he's nutty Funny guy though, but what a wacko. What do you mean? He just took the tweet? Yeah He didn't credit you either. I mean I'm not expecting he's got bigger shit. What's right? What's going on with him? I don't follow anything. He's got some I mean he- there it is boom Calling about my client same joke off. Sorry. I know he's a Monster he's gonna kill me, but this is bullshit. Well. I don't know NFL memes did this to you too

Yeah, whatever I think he just sees shit on the internet and puts it up. I don't even know if he's like yeah He's got CT. He's got bigger problems. You know it's like so does Jason Kelsey hello beer And he's also a maniac that will beat people up? I don't know maniac. I don't know anything. He was like accusing Tom. He was like saying Giselle tried to fuck him to Tom Brady. Whoa. He also, Tom Brady like took him in. Tom Brady like revitalized his career and got him, you know. He was also supposed to be on today, but he canceled. The uh, wait, Tom Brady's the guy they just roasted, right?

Yeah. God damn. Man, you really don't watch sports. No, not at all. Like literally not at all. The only time I watch is if the Eagles are like going are in the Super Bowl or get to the game right before the Super Bowl, whatever that game. OK, the playoff. By the way, I do have to mention this really quickly who the hell is the

Rizzlers handler that they were gonna book him on a show called we might be drunk yeah oh yeah I say it's probably his family right yeah all right the was his dad gonna come or does he just send the kid yeah yeah I've met I met the dad at the game the dad seems at least like he mean, I don't know they're nice family Yeah, that's good. I don't want to shit on it too much good people I texted Shane today sent me some some tires updates. Okay, and Pretty cool stuff you guys got coming up in season two. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was fun, man Yeah, I worked on it. you know, I wrote on it and

then snuck in. Hell yeah. I don't know if I'm, I guess I can talk about it. Yeah, snuck in. Might have snuck on camera. Well, you always find a way. Yeah. You're always thinking like, what's that guy doing now? I think he's homeless. No, wait! Look at that, headline news, he's writing on some huge show. It was right, it was funny because it was like not right after but it was I guess I'd

bought my house in Pennsylvania a year ago and I was it last June I still had my apartment in New York and I was going back and forth and I was like I think I'm gonna get rid of this apartment and just you know when I come to New York, I'll get a hotel or something. I don't wanna just carry this apartment anymore. And then I got that job and it was in Philly. Huge. It was just kinda like, all right,

I guess my mind's made up, the decision got made for me. But you know, it was fun. Yeah. It was fun. It's fun working with Shane. Like he's, they're all great, but I mean, Shane is really like especially like I'd never shot anything with him like just I'm like god damn it. He's so funny like he's he's just shit He's riffing. I'm like Jesus Christ man. Like take after take and keeps changing it

It's getting like funnier and funnier and funny or like well his mind is great for sketch. We forget that We're so stand-up oriented like joke, joke, joke, tag. And he's got both, he's got the sketch and the stand up. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty impressive. It was fun man. You had some cool people on the show in season two too. I saw Thomas Hayden Church joined.

Oh, he's great. He was the fucking man. He was the man and I was a huge, this is wild. I was a huge fan of his. There he is. I love Sideways, who doesn't love Sideways? I'm a Wings fan. Wings, he's in one of my favorite horror movies ever,

I'm a huge horror movie fan, he was in a horror movie called Demon Knight, it was a Tales from the Crypt movie and he's in it. So we're on set, but I wasn't in scenes with him, but he was there and I kept seeing him walking by and stuff Like as we were shooting and I was like I want to fucking tell him so bad how much I love Demon Night But like I don't want to like, you know, I don't look like a fanboy on set or whatever. That's a deep cut So I'm in line for lunch. I haven't met him yet. I'm in line for lunch

There's a guy standing behind me The guy behind me goes, what do they have up there, steak? And I turn and it's him. And I go, oh yeah, they got steak. And I go, hey man, I'm Joe, really nice to meet you. And he goes, yeah man, I know who you are. I love the Bonfire.

He's like, I love you guys. And I was like, I go, wait, what? And he's like, I love the Bonfire. Yeah, you guys are great, man. And he's like, I really want to come to the Wells Fargo show Shane did I'm really bummed I missed you guys and I was like and so then we start talking and He's like mid-sentence five minutes later, and I go I'm sorry. I gotta cut you off It's blowing my fucking mind right now that you know who the fuck I am Well, I wanted to do all day was tell you much. I love demon night. Yeah, and he goes You're the one I wish there was a million more you motherfuckers

This guy's awesome, man. I can't believe anyone listen to the bonfire. It's a horror movie a horror movie about wait What'd you say? I said I can't believe anyone listen to the bonfire By the way, he said the full title he goes I listened to the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly. Oh, wow. He said the whole title. Even after the sun got out of the soda ears. Demon Knight, it's a horror movie about this guy is a demon. And this event happens every x amount of years

where if he does all the right stuff and they don't stop him, demons will take over the earth and blah blah blah blah. So it's about the people that are in the house trying to fight him and prevent it from happening. And you know, it's fun. It's super fun. Now what's lunch like over there on the set? How's that work? You know, there's food and you eat it. They give catering and everything? Yeah, yeah. Craft services.

Wow, so this is like a big real shoot. Yeah, it's a Netflix TV show. The first one they did is small, but this is like, yeah, they picked it up. That's impressive. It was still, I mean this in a good way, it still felt like an indie movie. Okay, good.

It was still loose. It wasn't insane, but yeah, no, but full craft services and stuff. And there was these two ladies every day, and me and Stav and Shane would laugh about it every day because they'd come around with this cart in between meals in case you were hungry in between. Oh yeah.

And me and Stav were always like, get that fucking cart away from me right now because it was never, it was always like, hey guys, we've got cheese steaks. Ah. Hey guys, anybody've got cheese steaks. Ah! Hey guys, anybody want an Italian hoagie? And you're like, please lady, I'm trying to live somewhat decently. Oh, by the Rizler?

Take it easy. So you get around one day with Chick-fil-A. Ah! Chick mountains of Chick-fil-A. Oh man! It was insane. Wow. They were awesome.

You can't eat that shit and then do stuff. That too. That's part of it too. Chick-fil-A is good, but it's weird. They do that on sets. It's like hey You're a hot celebrity guy or gal. Here's M&Ms and craft service. Yeah shit. Well, I wouldn't say the cast of tires is Like Melrose place or hot boy island or Fuck Boy Dead or whatever it is, do they have this guy going around with the cheese steak? I think on those sets it's way more like somebody's coming around with like, We made guacamole! And sable.

Yeah, whatever, right? Got it, got it, okay. Hey, good for Shane. I didn't know he had a lunch lady. I remember I did Louie and Louie, there was a guy, because this was shot a lot like Louie's. Louie's the same thing. It was was very like felt like an indie movie yeah I'm like great seeing that you were the punch-up guy right that was fun that was hilarious that was a big deal the line my favorite line didn't make it into the show because I couldn't get through without laughing because he was he was like

feeding me lines to say and he goes Joe I want you to say he literally just was like he threw the camera on me and immediately he goes, Joe, I want you to say, do they validate parking because the fat cunt out front says they don't. And I couldn't, it was too much. He fed it to me and I was like, I was laughing so hard. It didn't make it. That's a great one. That was fun. Yeah, the fat cunt.

He's another guy you can just riff gold. Oh, yeah. He had a lady walk, oh, that's what I was gonna say. He is another guy who can just riff gold. Oh yeah. He had a lady walking around with a tray and it just had a bowl of guacamole and chips. Like you just walk up to this lady holding the tray and eat guacamole. It was kind of odd. You were also in Better Call Saul. I was.

You had a good run. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's you know, I am hanging on somehow. Yeah, you can act too. You had a good run. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, you know, I'm hanging on somehow. Yeah, you can act too. You are a good actor. Yeah, well thank you. Well, I mean, I'd like to get a real acting job. Oh, you would. I'd like to get something where there's consistency.

The one thing I got ever where I was gonna really be on the show, like almost every episode, was this multicam called Living Biblically. Hmm. And I played the like office lech, like the, what's that word, you know, I was like the horny guy. The creep. Yeah, the Lothario. That's the one. I played the office Lothario.

Oh wow. And I was kind of the heel to Jay the main character who was a guy that was trying to live his life by the Bible. Oh. And anyway I got we were it was at CBS. The Tony Rock? Yeah Tony Rock was in it. Dave Krumholtz. It was fun. My friend Pat Walsh created it and he's my podcast partner. The bald guys in Frasier. Yeah. Anyway, there were these female executives at CBS and they just they never once would smile at me. They were never nice to me. I couldn't figure it out. Andy Ackerman who directed it. From Seinfeld. Yeah. Would tell me, he's like the Scorsese of sitcoms.

Directed like Cheers, Frazier, it's nuts. Anyway, he would tell me, he'd be like, yeah we just had a meeting with the network, and like they fucking hate your character. Oh wow. They said you're not likable, and he goes, and he said to them one day, he goes, oh he's not likable, then I guess we did our fucking job.

He's not supposed to be likable. Yes. He's the bad guy, he's the heel. And they were just hammering, hammering, hammering, whatever, and then we shot the pilot, it went great. I was a huge part of the pilot. The story revolved around my character. And then they cut the character two weeks

before it went to series. Whoa. And. You're playing a douche. Well, I couldn't figure it out. And then guess what? Me too happened. Ah Les Moonves head of CBS comedy Went down and I was like that's why they hated this character because he raped you couldn't play a bad dude

Well, it's our boss. I know but you're not raping No, no, but I think they were like this this is a little, we don't like this. Yeah, a little on the nose. Damn, what he said to these women. Out of resentment towards Moonves, you know what I mean? But get them out of the character, not you. If you played a murderer, they would've loved you.

That's the irony. Theoretically, I mean, I never got that explanation. That's my theory. Yeah, they're still keeping law and orders on. Yeah, exactly. Different network, but you know my point. Oh, the show was canceled mid-season. Ah, right, you got out easy. I guess with comedy they're weirder about that shit.

They are. When it's like open and shut like a police procedural and they're like, well, you're arrested for being bad as opposed to a guy doing it for laughs, they get weird. Because you're making light of it I guess, maybe, because rappers say fucked up shit and women are singing along at the club. It's wild dude, because you forget like, keep going, keep doing it. No, have fun. Enjoy yourself.

Alright, I'm having a good time. No, you forget like that was it was right before Me Too and now when I look back at the show I'm like you would never write a character like this on a show. No. Ever. You'd never be like let's have a guy that constantly cheats on his wife and brags about it and describes the sex on a multicam sitcom. You'd be like, what are you nuts?

They won't let that go on. Yeah. And it's like, it changed so drastically in a matter of months. That's true. Barney on, what's that show? How I Met Your Mother. His whole thing was like,

I'm gonna see how many girls I can fuck in a night. Yeah. Even though he was a gay guy in real life, but he was like you watch that show now You're like damn this guy's a poon hound. I bet that's softened it though. They were like well He's gay probably but I didn't know he was gay when I was watching it. Well on the new Season of Frazier like the the reboot. Yeah He goes back There's an episode where he goes back to Seattle and goes back to the radio station and Bulldog is there

Bulldog was the character that would like slap chicks on the ass. Right. You know, it's wild. Again, you couldn't do it today. But they had the greatest solve for it. Bulldog goes, doc, guess what? I'm gay. Ah, that is a good solve. Yeah, and Frazier goes, that's amazing Bulldog. So, all of that horrible behavior that you subjected those poor women to was just you repressing who you really were.

And he goes, no, no, I still do it. I just do it to dudes now. I was like, that's a perfect self. Beautiful out. Yeah, don't rewrite the character. Don't make him have a moment where he's like, I've learned. Yeah.

Just like, no, just make him a piece of shit in a different way. Didn't Kevin Spacey do that when they popped him with the kids? He was like, but I'm gay. He tried to be like, yeah I had a hard time dealing with being gay so I had to tackle a 14 year old. The grizzler.

Pecker, whatever he did. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty insulting to gay people that they're like, you're someone underage, I'm gay. Not what gay is. Well gay people came out when Kevin Spacey did that and they were like fuck you Like your scapegoat, you know

Yeah, I was shitty It's a gay scapegoat. Anyway, anyway, we have been trying to book Kevin Spacey on the podcast. We should say he's a Yeah, have you really been trying to get we would love to get speed. We'll get him in two seconds. He's doing comic cons now No those pay He well, you know you guys could pay maybe you cover an uber You'll get him in two seconds. He's doing Comic-Cons now. No. What the hell? It was pay. Well, you know you guys could pay. Maybe cover an Uber. Look at the Ubers.

40 dollars in each direction to get to this fucking thing. Christ Almighty. He'd hate to have to ask. He'd just offer. He'd offer. What are you going after? We'll give you a ride. I'm busting balls, Scott. I'm just joking with you. I will take the Ubers. We'll give you one. No, do you know how many podcasts?

It's wild. I've been really thinking about this lately. That don't uber you? That don't uber you, don't offer. You're like, guys, I'm spending money. I know. To come do the thing. Exposure. Have somebody just be like hey we got you

Yes You know I mean or at least help me out like you ever go to one in Austin and you're like outside of a warehouse The get a guy out there going hey here it is Oh, yeah, call me or something happened to me Yeah, like they just expect you to get there and figure it out, but there's like all these warehouses look the same You know they're like sweets. Yeah. Yeah, they're hard to find, so help me out. Yeah, yeah, it's the, I can't tell you. Well, Segura will put it in the hotel, he'll send you over.

Segura gets it. Yeah. But he's a man of- He's a man of money. Means. Of means, yeah, yeah. Remind me to tell you a story after. Ooh.

Can't tell you how it happened. Yeah. All right, all right. I gotta trash you, by the way, speaking of travel peeve. Please. I was a pee of you by the way. Speaking of travel peeves. Please. I was just in Cleveland and they send a car to take you to the airport in the morning

but the car just like, the second time it's happened to me with the same company in Cleveland, they just don't show up. Ah. And you know, they're like, ah, I'm like 10 30 flight. But they're like, yeah, you're right there.

Get it for 9 30. I'm like, are you sure? Cause you know, they're like 9 30 you're fine. They're not fucking there. Yeah. So luckily I have the number. I go, yeah, where are you? And they're, like 930 you're fine. They're not fucking there. Yeah. But luckily I have the number I go, yeah, where are you? And they're like, yeah, we're not, we're not here. We'll be there in a second.

Sorry about that. And I go, I've got a flight. Yeah. You know, at the, for an airport. Yeah. And the guy goes, we're working on it. Have a blessed day. Oh.

And I said, eat shit. And I hung up. Good. Did they show up? You don't, yeah, they showed up, but it took forever. Did you take it? I made the fly, barely. But also, don't bring your fucking religious horse shit

into a service. Yes. This is a service that I'm paying for. I'm not, but it's part of the gig. Yeah. But also too, it's so passive aggressive, it's so dismissive. It's very dismissive.

How condescending is that? Condescending is that, it's like, I'm gonna turn your grievance It's so passive aggressive. It's so dismissive. It's very dismissive Descending is that condescending is that is like I'm gonna turn your grievance into me being the bigger person you a Spiritual whatever the fuck that's exactly have a blessed day is is Midwest go fuck yourself It's not even like it's not even like it's not even like I hope I hope you have a good day Blessed is insane. I know they're making it a religious thing. I can't grab your wife tits and be like, praise Allah. Yeah. You know, it's not the same, it doesn't save it.

It's a real, we're really obsessed with the- That's a good out. Praise Allah. Part of my faith. As-salamu alaykum. That's not the religion. Oh yeah. Wait a second. Well, tell her to stop driving.

No, I've just been really hung up on this thing lately about like how it's just such a take it or leave it culture anymore. Yeah. You know? I had this one. It's just, yeah. This is on the train today. Well, first of all, two things I want to run by you. On the train today, I got on the train and I go, it's an N. So, I don't know if it's

local or express. Sometimes they go back and forth like a bisexual and I go, it's an N. So I don't know if it's local or express. Sometimes they go back and forth like a bisexual. And I go, what, what, is this local? And I do the thing where I jump on it and go, is this local or express? One guy goes, it's express, it's express. And I go, okay. Then another guy goes, no, no, it's local, local. And I was like, ugh. But the local guy looked more put together and the express guy looked like shit. So I went with the local. So I got on and it was express and I go, what the hell man? And he goes, yeah, the successful guy got further cause he just is confident.

I think you're right. That is true. The shell guy looked like hell, but he was right. That's true. But he's, he's on those fucking trains all day. Yes. You're right. I should have gone by that. I apologize. I didn't react stronger to that, that but I was honestly as you were telling the story thinking about how bad I felt for both of you that I'm the only person that showed up today like this is a real... Yeah what the hell? Didn't we have another guest? But this is just... She's coming. She's always late. Who is it? This guest. Rachel. Einstein? She's always late. Always late. This 33 minutes late, what the hell?

That's how she does. She got 3.30. What? Oh, well I mean it's pointless now. I gotta end the show at some point. We're gonna wrap it up. Yeah. But we're happy to have, I'm glad your bar is here.

It keeps you coming back to New York. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm happy to be here and I'm happy that you're happy I'm here. But it is very sad. We are happy. It is sad. It is a sad holiday.

You guys are in pajamas. I know, we dressed up for, this is like when you dress up for a bomb. Yeah. Think of Eddie Murphy did raw and it didn't go well. Oh, yeah, exactly. This is pathetic. Yeah.

I keep looking at my ass. The fact that I know we could have had the Rizler is such a blow to the gut. Shouldn't have told me that. Charlie told all of his friends he was meeting the Rizler. Oh! I even told my bully. You hate to hear that for the kid. Yeah. Blow to the gut shouldn't have told me that Charlie told all of his friends. He's meeting the Even told my bully you hate to hear that for the kid. Yeah, they hate to hear that for the bully Oh, I got another peeve. Oh Photoshop when people in emails They write something annoying and then write thanks for understanding. Oh, I didn't say understood. Yeah, good point

You you're assuming I understand right? I just say sorry. Yes. Thanks for understanding is a fuck you. Sorry goes a long way. It's ridiculous. I bought these shirts from a, it's not real vintage, but it was a thing I saw on Instagram where the shop made convincingly looking vintage shirts or whatever. They were new shirts but they made made they weathered them the aged them. They were faded They looked great. So I ordered three of them They also said they were true to size. So there are three larges they show up the largest fit like literally like double XL

Oh boy, they're on the cheapest fucking Solid black t-shirts you can imagine It's just this shit Black t-shirts you can imagine it's just this shit Weather design print and all like I got this at fucking old Navy and this looks more convincingly They saw in Mitzvah shirts. It was crazy. That's wild. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, the brand yeah the band that has a song where he goes I got something to say I killed your baby today I love that song. Yeah Is a t-shirt

Yeah, anyway, that's wild t-shirt at Old Navy right now. I raped your mother. Yeah, anyway. That's wild. So, I write to them and I go, guys, the shirts are completely misrepresented on your website. They do not look like you made them look. These are bad designs printed on cheap t-shirts. I want a refund. Three different people. I had to write three times.

Three different fucking people. It's actually kind of like the thing with the insurance guy. Three different people. I had to write three times. Three different fucking people. It's actually kind of like the thing with the insurance guy with the bullets. Deny whatever the fuck, dismiss. To roast in an oversized hoodie. Yeah, yeah. Dude, they kept writing to me. They'd be like, we're sorry you're not happy with the product. Keep in mind these are made to order so the weathering will look different on every- And I go, there was no weather- you didn't age these. You sold the thing that you're- you promised the thing that you're not selling. the weathering will look different on every, and I go, there was no weather, you didn't age these.

You sold the thing that you, you promised the thing that you're not selling. Well, keep in mind that it was three fucking people and they kept saying like, thanks for your understanding, we're happy to give you a full credit and you keep the shirts. I go, I don't want a credit for more shit I didn't want to begin with.

Give me a goddamn refund. And then finally on the fourth fucking email They were like you can have a refund But you have to cover the shipping cost to send it back. Oh my god, so guess what? I'll never do that. I'll never take the goddamn shirts you just wanted you just wanted them to be like we fucked up I wanted them to be like here's a refund keep the shirts. Don't worry about it. Sorry about that You know never never Huh, then I defend the Rosa. Hey DDD, I like it. Yeah, so yeah, anyway, it's not a great story, but

the point is is this is where we're at people. It's relatable. This is the country we're living in. Well also you're lucky you got a- Thanks Biden! He's still president. You got a guy on the phone or an email at least it wasn't like a bot or hit the text help. Well, it's funny because I DM them also and Two of the emails like one of the emails I got was identical text to the yeah Yeah, so they clearly to form, you know response and I was my friend used to work In insure no, it was at a bank so it was a bank he said they were instructed if the because they you know they keep a file open and they make notes about your calls to

complain about shit and he was like until it says they've called three times do not give them he goes because if because if they really want it and they're telling the truth they will call three times. Right. Well, you ever try to get a hold of Uber? You got to text, get Gmail, there's no phone number even. You got to like write in. It's crazy.

And that takes two days for them to get back. I talked to them on the phone once because they called me. Whoa! Because I had a crazy driver that said I punched him. What? Yeah. Damn. Yeah.

And I was like, why are you just pulling up this picture of this kid behind him? I don't know. Yeah, and I was like, guys, you're just pulling up this picture to the skid behind him. I don't know Yeah, I was like guys there were two other people in the car. He just doesn't know we can see a screen. He's like Shirtless Gay guy Oh, yeah, I thought they confirmed that he was gay. Look at the way he's holding that McDonald's box. That's the the movements of a homosexual Look at that. Oh, yeah, movements of a homosexual. Look at that. Oh yeah. That's a homosexual.

That's a happy meal. That's the only time he's touching a box. He's caught a McDonald's too. This guy can't stay away from McDonald's. I know and he's an RFK fan. It makes me feel better that he's gay because when dudes are that ripped and they're not gay, I'm a little bit like, what's going on? What is going on? This one?

Thatta baby, Joe's back! I'll come in here and bark at you one episode. Hell yeah. I would love that. You not talking is a real good self. How do you feel as a Paisan? Is this nothing? Yeah, there's no discrimination against Italians anymore.

Yeah, but how about all those Sopranos memes? It's hilarious. They're great, right? But people are like, he a shot the guy in the street That's really gone up. That's what's cool about him being Italian you can make racist jokes still about him The most Italian name I've ever heard oh my by the way I've never I'm not exaggerating. I have never ever in life heard of anybody named Luigi I haven't except for Super Mario Brothers same I have never encountered in life heard of anybody named Luigi. I haven't either. Except for Super Mario Brothers.

Same. I have never encountered an actual Luigi ever man. Yeah. Well that was my- Or heard of a guy whose name was Luigi. My joke on him, hey you can put him in jail but he's just gonna get out through the pipes. Oh, that's good. Hey, I'll take it.

That's very good. See sometimes you come out with a good one. Didn't get a laugh, I just got a that's good. But I'll take- You can do that on the burnt roast or whatever the fuck I could use out on the jelly roll. Tell me some of the jelly roll jokes that Bob Oh, yeah to hit him with a couple fat jokes. Yeah, of course of course did any of them hit yeah a couple hit What were some good ones geez? I can't this how ill-prepared?

I was that I had nothing memorized hair going into a roast I know because the jokes were solid so just, I'll read it, it'll be great. Which is a cardinal sin number one. But I got off stage and Kid Rock saw me in the green room and he goes, hey, I'm Mark, and he goes, horrible performance. And I go, good to meet you. Oh, fuck him. Yeah, I know, he's a bit of a cunt.

Fuck him. But he was right, he was right. He just fucking posted, I guess he was with some friends of his that were Democrats or something and they were all hanging out at his bar or whatever. He's fucking posted. I guess he was with some friends of his that were Democrats or something, and they were all hanging out at his bar or whatever. And he goes, this is what it looks like, all caps, when reasonable Americans that have different opinions move towards the same goal.

And it's like, yeah, that's a great sentiment. I don't wanna hear from the guy that shot a case of Bud Light with a machine gun. Really? You're gonna start talking about rational behavior right now? Go fuck yourself. Wow. I can't believe he said that to you.

Oh yeah, well he was half in the bag, but that's how he is. He's like a blunt, you know, I say how it is. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I shoot from the hip. Yes. I tell it like it is. And he owns that town. We went to his bar after and it was like,

jelly roll went up, Bert went up. I can't believe you fucking hung out after this. I had to drink it away. It was it was just pure Sorry, who are you hanging with? Get away with the whole group went we went to his bar and he had a band like that guy Marcus King Torelli is King Marcus King. Yeah, he was there I mean it was just like a who's who then jelly rolling on the place went ape shit Okay, it felt like the seller. We gotta get it back one day You got a you got a whole like a jerk store moment

You got have like a moment where you hit him back with terrible performance It might take 30 40 years good point you wait till an old man He puts on a half-assed concert it go to any one of his shows I'll fly to one. I mean they'll be cheering, but it will be a terrible I'll fly to one. I mean they'll be cheering but it will be a terrible before. I can't believe you bombed. Well I also zinged him a lot and I think maybe he was like oh fuck this guy. Anything good? I just you know kept it light. I said you know he's ball went to bed and he sucks and

Big Jay looks like the last guy to listen to Kid Rock and I had a couple but he didn't like him. The jelly roll is a tough guy to roast because he's so nice. He's very nice I feel like the whole audience if you're being like look at his fat ass. They're like, hey, hey No, they were in on and he's laughing. Okay on stage, but I went third to last and it was like a 14 person roast. I'm just scratching out jokes. Hey Speaking of last What are you wearing? A burka? Why did you get here in a flying carpet? Is that why you were so late? I had to run. Sit down.

Why is that bag so big? Because I took my daughter up from preschool. I took her to McDonald's. She threw tantrum in McDonald's. Shut out to CEO. Shout out to McDonald's. She called me a Latin curse word. She called me a bean sheet, like a bitch, or something like that, yeah. Where'd she learn that? I don't know, she called me a loco bitch, or crazy bitch, or something like that.

She's a crypt. But they did say, they were like, Matt, your outfits are amazing. I came in, I know him a lot. He's a Jew, I'm Pepto. Matt did say like, come anytime, and then you just text me a second time, which made me think you were bumping me,

because you were like, look, no rush, you know, whatever. So I was like, oh, they're gonna have like some big, I'll come at the bottom of this. Literally everyone stood us up. We had big people, they bailed. Oh, okay, well. We had Larizler, we had Chris D, we had Luigi. Well, I've been on the Starz Network,

so get off my dick, all right? Hey. Perhaps you haven't heard of Pumps and Punchlines, the fucking major tour? Did Tyler Perry produce that? It is disgusting. Pumps and Punchlines, God, you women are so stupid. We are

Kill that was always a big one Funny period period was just the most insulting of all of them Bleeding across America just called on the rag Always said Rachel like on Instagram. I'll find shows like that or it'll be like, you know, you know vaginally hilarious I'll just send her the the screenshot of the putt flyer and I'll be like you are a bunch of stupid bitches Yeah, no the pointless holes Tour made gross the most though. I've never made as much money as I did on the Pointless Holes that deserve to be punished tour. Pointless Holes is pretty good. That's a keeper. That actually would be, that would actually be funny if there was an all-female show and they called it Pointless Holes to make fun of all.

Only DeRosa would think we could actually get away with doing that. Why couldn't you agree with it? to make fun of all. Only DeRosa would think we could actually get away with doing that. Was it, was it, was I doing a breast cancer benefit and Joe said I should call it titty cancer extravaganza. He's like, you could do it. I'm like, no, it's the American Cancer Society more. But you gotta start your own one. You're right. If you did your own produce show,

you could call it pointless holes. It would be fucking hilarious. That's great. That you're making fun of these shows that are like vaginally termed or whatever. Yeah. I don't think people are gonna to get that on the fly, would they? How about Clitzen Bits? Clitzen Bits is not bad.

Drunk De Rosa would be a great manager. You can do it, come on! Come on, baby. Come on, baby. You don't need to yell that by him, that would be scary on the phone. You fucking cunt. Can I have a drink? Oh, what do you need?

Like anything, like don't waste anything fancy. You fucking cunt. Can I have a drink? Oh, what do you need? Don't waste anything fancy on me. I'm going to Spark's Steakhouse for a dinner with Paul Italia after this. Flip Reagan. Stop name dropping. This will be a good one.

Sparks is awesome. It's old school. You guys, we should go and crash it and just to network. We should go. Ah. Have you heard of Clifton Fitts? Sparks is great. Every waiter is like 90. Yeah.

Martinis, it's fucking awesome. Sparks is awesome. You would love Sparks. I gotta go some. Sparks is awesome. But the reason I bring that up is because we're talking about roasts. So they roasted Paul for his 50th birthday at the stand.

And I had a run of fat jokes about Chris. Oh, he's fat. They bombed. Like really? The friends and family were like that's not funny like it's not like he's overweight and he's old. Those only work when you're like under 35. Because I heard the jokes that weren't funny but maybe that was just. This is one of the jokes. You'll like this this joke Paul's a brother Chris and the two brothers believe it or not Paul's not the fat one that's a funny joke that's fun is it not bombed roast your heart you got it Chris makes a living opening opening doors for comedians despite the

fact that he blocks any door he's standing in front of a bad joke is it solid I left now you didn't I love you shittily smirked Sam What's going on with you today? Like me at the jelly? Sickness is fucking yeah, you hug me. You know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be sick. I hope you are right come on Every time Joe fucks a girl he calls me up saying he's got AIDS so don't Yeah, I've got always such a Jew. It's amazing I know. Oh God.

The way he confidently said, haven't got it yet. That really f**ked me. He said it like he was the last cowboy. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean it like that. I just went like, whew. I meant that way more like I know what you said. That's why it's the funniest combination because he's like a throbbing hypochondriac but also

he loves prostitutes. It's just a fun loving combo. Fucking prostitutes. Would you stop it? And they're called sex workers now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Poppy, I'm learning, I'm learning. I know, supporting the gender. The guys that get offended by that are still pieces of shit. It's called, I'm supporting a small business, okay? Small business. That would be a great divorce argument.

What's going on here? Okay, well, let's go to a caller. The Rizblin better be in that suitcase. He is. Let's go to a caller. Wait, what's happening? Magic. Magic?

Uh-oh. Christ. Oh. Come on, guys. Matt Peters, I'm gonna say you really blew the Christmas party this year. Guys, I said I'd pay for my own over. Don't make me sit through this right now. No, this guy's a pro. That was very good.

While he sets up, can I just say that... Wait, aren't you the two people that brought the Jewish cake in? No. That was different in? No. They're both Jewish. Different Jews. Jewish cake. That was different people? Yeah. Different people are. That's pop up.

Derosa calls me every Christmas and goes, you know what you did to our goddamn savior. Easter. Easter. Fuckin' who cares, Joe? Shut up. Well, because Easter's when he rises. Who cares?

And I make it clear to you that he will not be stopped by the likes of you people. Okay, that was fair. That was fair. I'll allow it. Yeah. He was like, you swine little piggy, you people. Okay, that was fair. I'll allow it. He was like, you swine little piggy, you know what you did to our Savior, you rat pig. That's fun.

That's love. Yeah, it is fun. I look forward to it. Every Easter and Christmas you remind me. I'll hit you this Christmas. I'm going to hit you early this Christmas. You know what you did when you nailed him up there, you swine. I'm going to call you a pointless hole, Like the holes you nailed into our savior.

You know, I will say when we killed Jesus, it felt like closure. It was Jew on Jew crime, was it not? He was Jewish, yes. But some say it was the Romans. That's how heinous her people are, that he turned on them. He turned on them, so I don't wanna be a part of this.

Self-hating. Self-loathing you. Jessica brought up Menorah to the Comedy Seller, and Keith just started saying, the Jews will not replace us. The Jews will not replace us. Comics really are just deep, deep, deep trash. Sorry, sir. You're trying to set up a nice magic show.

Things are going so well for the Jews right now. Walking for this feels really comforting. Oh. Sorry, man. That's. Sorry, we're Jews. I know. Look at the outfit. I noticed, you look great. You look fantastic.

I am not. That's a yuck. No, that's okay. We love you. I'm joking. You guys have a rich history of magic. Hitler made 60 million disappear. Oh my god.

Did you say 60? Six. Oh, is it 16? Yeah,. Did you say 16? Six. Oh, I said 16. Yeah, yeah. You gave us even more. That didn't happen. It gave us a screen. That's the magic.

That's the magic. You weren't offended by that, right? I think you're just upset because you now realize we have more of us than you. Yes. I'm not caring. I feel cornered right now Adopted by Italians wrong I come up from disgusting people I think it's all gross.

No, I heard your mom was like the most fun whore at the party. I was adopted by Italians, I can't win. Your mom. That's true. I couldn't get adopted by some fucking nice wasps with a little bit of fucking cash. Yeah. This guy doesn't know what he walked in here. I'm sorry. What kind of magic are we doing here? My wife actually got me tickets to see your show in Bridgeport, Connecticut

What a shithole town that is Thank God I was like I better not be you're like just about to be too big for the name of the club. Which is not that big. And then he simmered back down again. Yeah. What fun. You don't just about to meet him. Which one? The stress-free? And then reality set in. I remember Jim Jefferies one time leaving Caroline's, it was like 12 years ago, he just looked at it and goes, I'll see this place on the way back down.

I didn't get a chance to formally meet, so. Hi, Scott. I'm Joe. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Hi, I'm Rachel. Rachel, yes. Hey. We met. We met. Nice to meet you. Hi, I'm Rachel. Rachel, yes. Hey. Hamas. We met, yes.

We met, nice to meet you. We did meet in the elevator. Yes. He's a good egg. So you saw me in Bridgeport, Connecticut. I did. I saw you with my birthday present, actually. Wow.

I'm a big fan. I'm a little nervous. You're doing great. Don't worry. Sam is a toxic person, but the rest of us are pretty nice. That's true. He's really showing me that. So. He has a ruggle of. He needed it. Oh, you know, actually at the end of, but the rest of us are pretty nice. That's true, he's really showing me that.

He has a ruggle of, he needs an A. Oh, you know, actually at the end of this, I definitely need to try some bodega cat. Hell yeah! I didn't find any in New Jersey. How about at the beginning of it, huh? I should go. I actually am excited to see, I find it wondrous. That's great. Which way is the best way to face?

Face this way? I can see into your box, does that matter? No, Joe. We should be okay. We're gonna have our first lovely assistant, Mr. Mark Norman's gonna come up and help us out. I am? And everybody's gonna give him a big round of applause. Oh my goodness.

Here we go. That's awesome. Oh, you look fantastic. Look at that badass. I'm gonna have you come right over here. Yeah, we look great. Come stand right over here, face everybody's spots. All right, you got it. And I learned a trick this morning just for you. Now I have a couple important questions. What's the most important thing in life?

Anal. Anal. The answer is trust. You need to trust me Seth the magician. You do everything right, you'll be fine. Okay trust you two hands Sam the best part about this is if you tell people you're a magician they do whatever you want it's awesome wait mark is breaking up is that allowed that is allowed you can relax for one second I'm gonna ask you two important questions first important question what's the most important thing in life trust trust second important question do you have any shoulder mobility issues? No. I know you have some back problems. It's better. I've got it. Joe doesn't have shoulder

cramps. Here's what we're gonna do. Place both hands out for me. Here's what we're gonna do. Place this in your left hand. I have my bottle of water. I poured it from Poland. Amply, we almost did the Rizle. I know you guys had Ozons, that's why I got big shoes to fill. Hopefully if we do this right, you'll be fine. You got it. You're doing great. Wait, do I need water in this one?

No, you're good. Just in this one. I thought that was fun. Place both hands on the cup. Turn face this way. Say I trust Seth the Magician. I trust Seth the Magician. Perfect.

Face forward. Ah, then you gotta pour it on. Say hi, I trust Seth the Magician. I trust Seth the Magician. Right hand place it over your head. Oh jeez. Your head's over here buddy. On the count of three we're gonna flip over those cups.

You're gonna do this because you trust me I'm your friends. Are you ready? Yeah, Sam you ready Rachel? Yeah, on the count of three help me count to three we go. You know it's gonna be magic It's not gonna three flip it over. Yeah You chose to almost dump it all over the equipment Interesting choice. Interesting choice. Weirdly, you were so scared when I watered it, you chose to almost dump it all over the equipment instead of your own head. You can head back to your seat.

Now can you explain it to us? Yeah, we're going to get to some explanations right now. There literally, the literal, you, that literally has to be magic that you just did. Yes, literally. There's no other way that could have been anything but magic. Yeah, good point. I watched you pour the water in, the cup never left your left hand.

I don't know what I'm doing. It has to be magic. Unless it's some kind of water that evaporates or something. I'll tell you what it is. It evaporates. I mean, quickly evaporates. You ever see The Prestige? Yeah, great movie.

Yeah, where he's like, you have to kill to kill the bird like that's the sacrifice you want The bird disappearing trick to work you have to kill the fucking bird Michael Cain said of the prestige because a dick that's best Christopher Nolan movie So now it must be fucking true! I'm a dumbass. You stupid slut. Did you come in drunk? Man, pointless hole. I'm gonna need to catch up. I... I... Call her a pointless hole.

Yeah, go ahead. Rachel, this is for you. Don't blink. Or you'll miss it. Okay. No, I brought a modern version of one of the first tricks I used to do. Oh shit. Need my trusty magic wands.

Rachel, did you see what happened? No. It changed. And filled back up. Ta-da! Whoa! Wait, there's another one in there! I know what you're thinking, Mark.

Change it back. Ta-da! Oh, come on. That's easy. How are we doing that? There's two bottles. Why are we? That's, this is part of it, guys.

Just saying there's two bottles. There's gonna be like no bottles in it in a second. Whoa! Oh my God, that was crazy. How did you do that? Gabe, how did you do that? This is part of it guys, just saying there's two bottles. There's gonna be like no bottles in it in a second He's gonna do two bottles Oh my god that was crazy Kate how did you do that?

Whoa I'm not drinking this cursed beer Whatever black magic he just soiled it with That was nuts! That was great! That's his piss by the way It is Slowly

I want the magic piss Sam this is for you Uh oh Let's keep going Alright That was nuts! That was great! That's his piss, by the way. It is. Slowly. I want the magic piss. Sam, this is for you. Uh oh. Let's keep going. All right. Sam, I'm gonna tell you the truth. The lower the number, the quicker this goes.

Okay. Can you pick a number for me between 1 and 52? 5. Beautiful. Any reason? I'm thinking of a low number. Perfect. Now here's what we're gonna do. I left a prediction. I'm gonna, uh...

I'm gonna leave this right over here for you. Would you say five? Yeah. Alright. Matt, can we play some soft piano music? What do you want? Perfect. Just some suspenseful.

Sam, here's what we're gonna do. Watch. I'm gonna move this really slow. We're gonna one, two, three, four. Actually, before we start, do you have a pocket? I'm gonna give you a prediction. A pocket? Yeah. I don't have pockets in this. Oh, I do have pockets.

You do, yeah. I'll give you a prediction. Do me a favor. Yeah. Place this in your pocket. Don't look at it just yet. Not the one that's full of coins. Perfect.

All right, we're gonna go. All right, now it feels Christmasy. Aw, I like like that's a cute little kid there all right ready we'd say and we go one two three four and five keeping me keep me honest okay here I'll do like this everybody can say now before we show you your card I want to tell you it's not the same car okay there's only one of each it's actually your card divided in half okay wait a minute okay check it out yeah seven okay seven what about it my prediction shit was your card divided and so it has to be 3.5 is I thought you were five all right

here he was fine take a look for me what the fuck wait a minute oh three and a half wait a minute all right I'm gonna be honest I tuned out for the whole setup of that what was it That's how they get you, Joe! That's how they get you! I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. What about five? I didn't think they slid it around! I want to show you something. Yeah, you put an Asian girl on the screen. DeRosa's fucked.

We go one, two, three, four. You didn't pick four because four would have been blank. Six was blank. Oh, he's showing how the sausage is. Oh my god. I love it when they show you. Yeah. Six was blank. Actually, the whole bet. Oh, he's showing the hell of sausages. Oh my god. Not impressive. I love it when they show you.

Is blank, except for one. Joe, do me a favor. Trick deck. Before we started. I'm lost. Do me a favor. Can you flip over that card box for me? What is it supposed to be that's going to make us freak out?

Five. It's going to be a five. It's going to be the number he said. I really am sorry. Push it with a shit attention span trying to do magic That is amazing that was good He's good Do you know that you know the episode of like the Simpsons when Homer's too dumb to like be like hypnotized and they try to

Get him into a hole. Yeah, that's what I feel like They really keep showing in the same movie they They're like, now what do you believe? He's like, I think that one guy was working for the other. I'm like, ah. Sometimes I feel like that because, well, me and Joe run pretty dumb. But I can tell you're really good at this. We try, we try.

What about the wife? Is she gonna do stuff? She is just going to contemplate that she married a magician. All right. Joe, you're not doing anything. Nope. Is she gonna do stuff? She is just going to contemplate that she married a magician Joe you're not doing anything. Nope, do me a favor. I know is we might be drunk. So I brought along little shot glasses. Okay Here's what I'm gonna ask you to do Just check out that shot glass for me. See if there's any you see anything inside you can't see through or anything like that

Perfect. Now, that's clean. Perfect. Now. Here's what I want you to do Whatever number you want. I want you to just have it face up and place the shot glass on top and let me know when you're done They really really though really go crouch like in the corners. We know that you're not boy What would you name again miss? I'm so sorry Gabby. Yeah, I'd like you to also turn around What would your name again miss? I'm so sorry. Gabby. Gabby, I'd like you to also turn around. Whoa! Whoa, man!

I would, I would! You're gonna execute him? Looks like no stone unturned here. Tell somebody to crouch. Wait, now what do I do once I have my number? Place it on top. Place the shot glass on top. I need to turn.

I need to place the aliquots to leave the room. I don't trust that he's not feeding this guy. We all know what trusts aliquots. Now get out of here. Look at those two little rats whispering in each other's ears. Joe, you done? I know what they're up to. Yes, sir.

Into the shot glass on top. You want to check their papers? All right, here's what I want you to do. I want you to just say one, two, three, four, five, six. I'm gonna, so there's really no such thing as magic. And so what we really try and do is read people. So I want you to just say one, two, three, four, five, six. I will say it.

I'm gonna say it like this. Okay. Oh, Christ. One, two, three, four, five, six. Say it one more time. Now I get why he's adopted. I know, why would the dumbest person we know outsmart a magician?

You paused at one, show me the two. I did not pause at one. Oh! Go ahead, take a look. Show me the two. God damn it. Whoa! What are you paying this guy?

Double it. Let's do this one more time. Let's do it one more time. Go ahead. Is he paying this? By the way, this is the equivalent to, what you're doing to him is equivalent to like, just some whole walking up at the cellar

and being like, my friends and I are so freaking hilarious. We freaking have this. I would rather do another bar mitzvah than magic for you. Hold on, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Can we get that out of the loop? I'd rather do perform another bar mitzvah than do magic for you.

No, I'm just kidding. Wait, wait, go back to the corner. Okay, but it's Rachel's turn. Stop giving him timeouts, you dicks! No, I want to do this again. Hold on a second. I want to do this. Can we do it one more time?

Alright let's do it one more time. You got a chip in for the pay. That's how fun he is. You paid him by the hour? Oh yeah. He's Jewish. Alright. My cup is covered. Alright we got a covered cup. I mean my dice is covered. Dottie is covered.

Alright here's what we're going to do. Alright here's what I'm going to do. Every time, let's do it a covered cup. You're done. I need my Dice's cup. Dottie's cup. You can untrash. Here's what we're going to do. All right. Here's what I'm going to do. Every time, let's do a little different. Everything I ask you, I want you just to say no to. Just always respond no. But can I do the thing where I need to reset the numbers for? Oh my god. Do me a favor.

Just go, everything I say, just say no. Or do you want to do one, two, three, four, five, six? What do you want to do? I really want to do one. Let's do it. This is quick. You're like the guy whose birthday party it is. You're like, what did I do? Just keep going.

All right, ready? We've already established you're the worst. Say the numbers? Yeah. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. One more time. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. I heard a pause.

You heard it? Yep. At 3. Show me the 3. Wow. Wow. Did I pause at 3? Yeah, you did. You did. I caught it. So here's

what we're gonna do. That's amazing man, you're really good. No poker face. Sam, I got you present. Oh come on, I hope it's a personality. No, we're gonna get back to it in one second. We'll just leave it right there for you. It matches, looks beautiful. That is a good match. Yeah, happy five. Well done. Maybe is there a better mood inside that box? So you made a two-digit number, Joe, right? Yeah. All right, we're just going to keep going.

Okay. I don't want Sam to fall asleep on me. If my hero falls asleep on me, it doesn't make me feel good. All right. So you made a two-digit number, correct? I made a two-digit? Yeah, your first number and your second number. Oh, yes, yes, okay.

Here's what you do. Is it two and a three? Yes. Got it. Mark, can you do me a favor? Yeah. Just open up some of my notes here. Oh, the notes app?

The notes app. All right. Perfect. And I want you to scroll down to, you should be at celebrities. I see it. Can you just memorize who's at 23? be at celebrities. Yes. Can you just? Memorize who's at 23? Oh shit. Not I got it. Can I show Rachel? Sure, but don't say it out loud for me 23 and you go can you go back? Yep and go to groceries

groceries got it perfect, and I want to scroll again to 23 for me. One cucumber, mineral oil. What number? 23. Okay. Got it. Got it. Okay. Now Sam, you've been holding on to my prediction. You can just put that down if you want. All right. This is fucking wild. If you have two things in mind. I is fucking wild. You have two things in mind.

I got them both. You have a celebrity. 23. Yep. As well as a grocery item. Yeah, we both got it. We both got it. This is insane what is about to happen right now.

I know. Sam, I got you a present. Can you open it up for me? Oh, jeez. This is nuts. You remember it? Or are you just a bleeding gash? Yes. I am in fact a bleeding gash.

Alright. But let me tell you. Oh man. Oh, do you need some scissors? I do. This is, if this is, if this is what I saw on the phone. You can plunge it if you want. It is.

Didn't you say once, didn't you say once meat curtains was your favorite of all? I do like meat curtains. Alright Sam, here we go. I do like meat curtains. He's got it. Hatchet wound. Oh, hatchet wound is me. like geek. He's got it. Hatchet wound. Oh, hatchet wound is me.

Honey pot. Ernest? Ooh, and? From, uh, Ernest Goes to Hell. Ernest Goes to the film of a blank. Jail, camp, and a potato. Oh, were you, what were you thinking? That's not what you were thinking.

No. But I know you're not throwing off, are you there, Baldi? This is part of it. They do this. They do this. I have to say, this wasn't much of a present right here. That's not what you were thinking. No, but I know you're not throwing off, are you there, Paulie? This is part of it. They do this. They do this. I have to say, this wasn't much of a present right here. That's true.

Earnest being horrible. I did bring an emergency consolation gift. Oh my god. That's how they in fact get you. No Jews in the building. Wait a minute. This is different, too. The Jew owns this building.

There's a giant moseza when you walk in. That's true. Sam, I feel really bad so I brought a consolation prize. I brought a bunch of cereals. Yammerill. Uh, Yammerill. I'll see you all in hell. Can you do me a favor, Sam? Can you just take out any one of the cereals you want?

Just pick a cereal. Pick a cereal. Pick a cereal. Alright. Do you want to change your mind? No. Fruit loop it is. Alright can you do me a favor?

This is getting pretty elaborate, Seth. Will you open that up for me? Ohhhhh. We're just here for hours. He's like, I got you another cereal. He's like, go and grab it. Go down the street. Turn in there.

Take out a dress. Can you open that up for me? And can you open up the cereal? Oh my god, this is unbelievable. Because you were saying that you found prizes in here, right? You got a shot of this guy? OK, great. Oh, that came from.

Can you stand inside the cereal? There should be something. Oh, shit. Joan Rivers eating Cheetos? Mark, what was it? Stop it. Tell him, Rach. That is what it was.

It was Joan Rivers eating it was. It was John Mark started he he would bring a cane kind of like um Keith Robinson's marsh cane. You got it Marshall I want to show you guys one more thing than getting out of here, but you still got so much pussy with the cane Yeah, that's true. I know his post numbers not one bit my stage name was Kane and anal camera off camera yeah I'm not sure yeah I'm really asking sure if I tell you how I think you did that trick and would you tell me if I was correct absolutely okay all right can somebody just can't you can't let it go I want magic to be real well it ain't't. Oh, I mean it could be.

That fucking blew our minds. So why don't you just enjoy it instead of trying to get the truth out of the guy. Because I want to know what comes after we die. I see. And if magic is real, there's a chance something is happening. For you some really bad shit, Joe. For you some really bad shit is happening. You're a great person.

What happens after you die? Oh it's a real mystery. Let's do, um, Stan. You're killing it thank you don't worry and your wife is wildly turned on yeah yeah you're gonna close after that those nitwits laugh today say when you're a little kid did you uh have a father jish your birthday party? Nah, that wouldn't be too much magic, I've listened to all of his stuff. He disappeared. Has anyone had a magician come to your birthday party?

I don't think so. No. Magician come to your birthday party? I wish! My parents didn't work around. Sam didn't have birthday parties because his daddy didn't love him. That's true, I know. Or he wouldn't have committed bylaw to a father.

You know Jews don't celebrate birthdays. That's true. That's true. He was a big time. You knew Silly Billy, right? And I had birthday parties when they were all at thrift stores because we were poor. And that's the same place Joe performs in his tour. What the fuck is happening?

Alright, do me a favor. Hold out both your hands. Face down towards me. Oh, breathalyzer? Cool your hands for face down towards me. Oh breathalyzer cold I'm gonna draw a picture. I'm gonna show it to Sam first. It's a person. All right, let me see Do you know who this Penis no, it's not a penis. Yeah, what is this?

Do I know who it is? Yes, it's Rachel's getting her pills Jesus Christ. No, it's my ex-girlfriend. Okay Here's what I want you to do Sam do me a favor tap one of Mark's hands Place your other hand down Mark did you feel it happen? They never do I should have faked it. Take a look. Whoa, the Mark of the Beast! How'd you do it there, Seth? Man, that was great! Alright, guys, well thanks for having me. Any questions, Joe?

I had a woman do that to me, but with HPV. It wasn't as good. I know that chick. That was great. Thanks man. I appreciate it. How'd he do that? That's incredible. Have a great day. You made it to South Dakota.

Thank you so much. Thank you, very good. Where are you going to be this weekend? It's uh, I'm going to be in New York Comedy Club in Stanford. Hell yeah. And a bunch of other places. Just go to Punch Up Live and you can find my dates there, Rachel Feinstein. Just go to Punch Up Live or watch my Netflix special.

It's called Big Guy. It's streaming now. Indianapolis, Nashville, Connecticut. I'm looking at your dates. Oh, thank you. It went away. Oh, thank you, Mark. Oh, there we go.

Eugene, Oregon. She's in Illinois, Maryland, and San Diego. I'm also in Austin at the mothership. This is, most of my dates are up at Punch Up, not here. Oh, fun. Let's go to Punch Up Live, yeah. That's fine. Hey, Punch Up, love it.

We're all on Punch Up. Yeah, we're all on Punch Up. All our dates are on Punch Up. You're on there? You should get on there. I will. Yeah. Happy Hanukkah. I will.

I'm biding my time. Happy Hanukkah. Are we. I'm biding my time. Happy Hanukkah. Yeah. Uh, are we plugging? Yeah, plug it up. Well, I'm, next year, my new tour, the Joystick Tour starts in January, 2025. First cities are Toronto and San Diego.

Come out, jorarosa.com for tickets and come to Joey Roses in New York, joerosesnyc.com and we have sandwiches. Great bar. Bar, it's awesome. Trying to get Bodega Cat in there. Oh yeah. What are we doing guys?

Yeah, well the rep is on his way, so we'll yell at him. It is a fun bar, yeah, everybody go to Joe's bar. It's the best thing. So come through please, thank you. And yeah, and then my podcast, we'll see you in hell, is still out there. Baby. Oh my God, thank you See You in Hell is still out there. Baby.

Oh my God, thank you. I'll open it off there. Yeah, buy Bodega Cat, bodegawiskey.com. I'll be in San Antonio, January 3rd and 4th, and then Liberty Township, Ohio, 10th and 11th, and then Pittsburgh Improv, the 23rd through the 25th, and then it's all bus shit just all theaters and stuff so Charlotte Richmond Philly DC Bethlehem

Tulsa Austin Dallas Houston goes on and on samorot.com slash shows or just go to punch up Memphis tickets are fucking not moving so come on Memphis come on Memphis also I am so when my husband was at the firehouse, he had like this other fireman come over to like help me with stuff around the house, which I know sounds like the beginning of a porn. Yeah. But he freaked out when he saw

that I had a Bodega Cat t-shirt. He's like, you know the Bodega Cat guys! All right! Yeah, apparently they all drink the whiskey and he was like obsessed and I was like, yeah, I'll bring you one. And he couldn't give a fuck about anything else But the fact that he knew that I knew the bodega cat guys and he was like it's the best fucking whiskey and he knows

Because he's a throbbing alcoholic. Hell. Yeah, that's our market. That's our market, baby We got to send them a case old ladder 48 Everybody loves bodega cat. I'm telling you Hell yeah, get on that get on the bodega train and get behind the wheel of that big red truck. Drive it right into the schoolhouse. Schoolhouse is great. Get out of fire on your job and bring one back home with you. Hell yeah.

What do you got, Mark? I'll be back in the clubs going to Houston Improv, then the Stand Up Live in Phoenix where you just did the Celebrity Theater, and I'll be at Addison Improv in Dallas, and then the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville, then I got a makeup date with Asheville, not to be confused with Gashville where Rachel's from. Where I am in Nashville. And yeah, that's a makeup date for the hurricane. Jesus and Mary gave birth to me in Gashville.

Oh yeah, what's that old Geraldo joke about the baby Jesus? That's a woman who really stuck to her story. Oh yeah. That's great. He's funny. Funny guy. Whatever happened to him. But yeah, keep a lookout for Geraldo and Geraldo and we're here. We're queer. Thanks a lot. We might be drunk. Rachel was on for 11 minutes. This Bible study was off the fucking chain! Yeah! Talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans

This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way And I get down in the same way We might be true