We Might Be Drunk - Ep 213: New Year - No Guest

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

Its 2025 and nothing has changed, we're still going to bring you a great podcast. Kicking off the year with a throwback guest free episode. Come hang for almost 2 hours of great stories and laughs. Shoutout to Peters and his sketch group "No Lobsters" check them out on their YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@NoLobsterComedy Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with promo code DRUNK at https://www.sheathunderwear.com Get $50 instantly when you play $5 with code DRUNKS when you Download the PrizePicks app at https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRUNKS Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/?hl=en   #wemightbedrunk #marknormand #sammorril #podcast #drunkpodcast #comedy #comedian #funny #gothampodcast

Hey, hey folks! Happy, we might be drunk. Who knows what holiday? Could be Black History Month, could be Cinco de Mayo, who knows? But we're keeping them coming. Continuity. I'm feeling that holiday like. Oh, I'm a jellyfish.

I threw one out there to a friend the other day where I'm like, I have to gain weight from the holidays and I was expecting, no you're not, but she goes, what's the holidays? I'm like, damn it, I am. She got me. She got you there, damn. I've accidentally hit people, someone said to me recently and I was like,

well, you know, it's winter, you cover up. Which is no better, I've done it too, but you don't pack on a few. Yeah, I guess so. It's also like a stagnant time of year. So you're just laying around, like I'm usually moving and doing stuff. So I force myself to the gym, but then I go,

I come back and I'm just like eating donuts and shit. I know, same here. And women love filling your house with junk. They do. She's buying all this shit from Goldbelly and I'm like, nine cupcakes? Ooh. She bought nine of those Contessa,

Barefoot Contessa. Oh man. They're incredible, but. Bring them in, I'll eat them. I think she just scooped the frosting off all of them and ate them. Okay. Give them to people in the building

and she was like, I scooped the frosting. I was like, all right, don't give them to people in the building and she was like I scooped the frosting I was like alright, don't give them to people in the building the homeless must be living it up I mean every garbage cans got to be full of cupcakes and cookies and cakes They must be living large It is a sad image where they go to the garbage and like jackpot Only in America do we have fat homeless people there's homeless people out there who who are just, all they do is walk, but they're fat as shit. Not in the West Coast as much. That's true.

I don't know what that is, but maybe the sun just makes you shed a little more. Yeah, yeah. They all look like Hugh Jackman out West. That's true. Why is that? Whoa, Jesus, fat hobos. Because they probably used to be actors,

and they were like, you know, I could still, that's the LA mentality, still could bounce back. He's living under a bridge, but he's like I don't they could bring back my you know my headshot Yeah, even in LA you got the hobos look pretty slender. That's true apparently I mean LA is getting crushed though right now like Hollywood is outsourcing all this stuff And it's not Hollywood like Netflix all the streamers right well I mean look we had a good, all these writers and air conditioning with craft service and free lunch all day.

It's all over. It's all over, you had your Big Bang theories and your, what is it, Sheldon and all that other bullshit. He was already winning a lotto ticket back in the day. Yeah. And it's like, you know. Oh yeah. You can't think about it.

I know, people had, I was always jealous of the writers. They had healthcare, they had dental, they had a parking space, and we were out there grinding in Cleveland. So welcome to the party. I do feel like this time of year, I need structure, it makes me angry. Same.

I need people telling me what to do. Yeah. Like you have an agent hitting you up, you have, you know, like, I had a real annoying, God, I told you about that, I hired someone, this is a first world complaint, but I'm still gonna complain. Lay it on me, Fetty.

The peeve. So my mom nagged me, you know, you moved to a new place, I moved to a new place. Oh yeah. She's like, you need an interior decorator. I was like, absolutely not. She nagged me till I caved. Wow.

It'll save you money in the end cause they get you discounts, which is a lie. Yeah. What, do you get She nagged me till I caved. Wow. It'll save you money in the end cause they get you discounts, which is a lie. Yeah. What, do you get a credit for giving me this rec? You know, like. Yeah. So I'm like, if you find someone cheap,

who will just like take this off my plate cause I'm never home. Yep. I'll do it. She found someone who's not cheap. Of course. And. Boy, she really weaseled her way in, huh?

And then, by the way, I'm so easy to shop for because I'm like that, that, and that. Yeah. And then I'm like wait, I didn't need her. Ah, that's right. But then the stuff I wanted, she was like, well that's coming from Italy, these couches. Oh my god.

So I'm like, all right, by the way, immigrants must hate this shit. They're like couches can get past security. Maybe they're in the couch. That's new. Ace Ventura in the Rhino's Ass style. But I'm fuming, you know, it's like six months to get my couch.

And then it's not the couch I wanted! Ah, these Italians, there was a language barrier. No, it was them. Because she was like, you know, it was like, I have that movie room now. I wanted to make it comfy. There was a bed in the couch, it's so fucking uncomfortable. Oh yeah, the fold out.

That's a bummer. It's never as comfortable. They got that bar in the middle, and no one wants to sleep on that thing, by the way. And by the way, you know, the couch, it's supposed to recline, it's comfy enough to sleep on anyway. Right.

It killed me, this person. Damn, and can you send it back, or is it too? They say you can't send it back, because it's comfy enough to sleep on anyway. Right. It killed me, this person. Damn, and can you send it back or is it too? They say you can't send it back because it's a custom job. Ah! And then I say, well, give me the custom job I wanted. Good point. And now they haven't answered in a week.

The holidays, everyone takes the holidays off. That's true, and they got the Atlantic Ocean between us. They go, ah, we'll be fine. He's gonna give up eventually. What's he gonna do, knock the door down? Maybe I will. Maybe we should go to Italy. I wanna do do a gig and like I hear you know, Rome Yeah, could be could be a good place to do comedy. I'm going there in August dude. I just watched cinema paradiso

Oh, I'd never seen it one of the best movies of all time. I did it with Liz Fiori. Ah, hey seller and and Rachel Feinstein and they're like you've never seen cinema Cinema Paradiso? Man, those Italians will make you cry. I know, mostly about the couches. But yeah, it's true, that movie's like, whew, it hits you right in the heartstrings. Yeah, it did make me misty for sure, holy shit. I watched it with my dad as a kid,

so it was like, you know, very relatable. Oh, it's fucking sad. What year is that, 91, 89, 88? Something like that. 88, yeah, very relatable. Oh, it's fucking sad. What year is that? 90, 91, 89, 88? Something like that. 88, yeah, so good. Everybody watch, that's a wreck. That's, it's, it's fucking sad though. But man, I'm out a lot of money from this.

Ah. I'm fuming. Italian furniture. I just hate getting taken for a ride. I know, well, I'm with you, cause we had a, we got, we hired a designer guy, totally gyptus. He'd be like, this, here's three things, what do you like? And I go, I love with you cuz we had a we got we hired a designer guy totally gyptus. He'd be like this. Here's three things What do you like and I go I love the third one he goes, oh And I was like you gave me the option

I so then I would go all right, give me the middle when he goes good choice. I'm like, okay Oh, meanwhile, I didn't know the good choice was like four grand and it's a lamp Oh, that's what this lady would do. She'd give me options for a coffee table. I'd be like 20 grand Yeah, who even if I was insanely rich I wouldn't do this. No, that's what this lady would do. She'd give me options for a coffee table. I'd be like 20 grand. Yeah! Who, even if I was insanely rich, I wouldn't do this. No, it's crazy. And I'll go on Google or Facebook Market Play. I'm finding all kinds of steals. I know. It's almost, I mean, that's why I'm mad at myself for doing this, because it's fun to find the steal. It's fun to find it. It's like, anyone can buy clothes, you know, full price.

Right. You go to like a Nordstrom rack. Exactly. You go to one of those like discount places. That's more fun. Yes. Same with women. I found her on the side of the road.

She had a very low self-esteem. She sticks around. This might be a lady thing, is my wife's like, we gotta get a designer, we gotta get an organizer. I'm like, an organizer? So we hired this lady to walk through the house, you know, she had an Indiana Jones hat and a scarf and she was like, hmm, the feng shui is off, this needs to go over here, and it was like a thousand dollars for her to come in and do that. Oh my god.

I was like, we can do this, this is pathetic that we have to hire this lady. That's a sign, she's dressed really well, she's making too much money on this. To have some pride in what you do. Yes, that's what I said. Not responding is a real peeve. That's crazy. I gave a lot of money. Yeah. And I didn't get what I wanted. And just to get in the door crazy. I gave a lot of money. Yeah.

And I didn't get what I wanted. And just to get in the door, it was a crazy amount of money. Wow. To get them to, this is our retainer fee. I'm like, retainer? Retainer. What, I hire Johnny Cochran? Yeah.

Ridiculous. That is crazy, yeah. See, that's one good thing about spending a lot of money is you have the ability to bitch. You know, if you spend $17 at Amazon, you kinda gotta eat it. But if you spend eight million on a couch from Italy, you can go hey.

I have the money that's the bitching though. I agree, I'm just saying. You're allowed to go Karen. Yeah. On these paisans. I want fucking Karen, dude. Yeah, get these guineas, you couch raping wops. Ugh, infuriating.

Yeah, that is crazy. You told me you saw the Bob Dylan movie too. I did. I heard he's amazing in it. He's great, it looks great, Mangold is a hell of a director, but here's the thing with the movie. I'm gonna be a cunt here. It didn't need to be made.

We have the documentary, which is way better, and also they took liberties. They put him in the folk fest when he was actually in England, they put him with Joan Baez in the beginning when he was actually with another lady So I'm like, why would you fuck up the story? We know we have Google Bob Dylan still alive Why would you change it? Isn't that weird? Yeah, like what's the point of that? Imagine you're Bob Dylan you're seeing that movie and you're like, that's not my life I know exactly and they knew what to do like they knew all the the ins and outs but they still were like Yeah, let's change this. Let's fix that. Let that let's move that around like you had to go Hollywood and

you had to ruin it that's the problem with biopics is that yes they always they always take liberties yeah and look shallow moo is great and his points in it where you're like oh my god is that Bob Dylan like that's how good it is but he's he's really good that's really the takeaway of the movies like his performance and watching the the mimicry of Mimicry is that a word? Yeah. Yeah The mimicry of the of the character is really cool. But other than that, I'm like, what was the point of this? Nothing really happens. It's just kind of like a day in the life

Yeah, I do. I do feel I'm always kind of reluctant to see biopic I thought I thought you know Ray Ray, it's probably like Ray, where Jamie Foxx is incredible, but the movie is like, all right. It was all right, yeah. Yeah, and Walk the Line is, that was pretty good. That was mangled, too. Yes, it was.

I mean, I like that, but again, it is weird that more people see this in any documentary on him. I know. And it's not real. Right, so I got so into it, because I was a huge Dylan fan growing up, that I watched the documentary again after the movie

and it's so much better, it's like real and they have all the footage and you know, you ever, you know the story of him going electric? Yeah, what happened? So he's in England, he's like this big folk hero, you know, he's writing the best songs, he's a great lyricist, he's changing lives, they call him a protest song, whatever. He goes out to England, he's like,

well, we're gonna go electric now. And they're booing him, they yell, Judas, Judas! Like, you turned your back on us, and he goes, I don't believe you. And then he turns around and he goes, play it loud. And they fucking rock it out, and it's so good that it turns the audience. It's an amazing story, but the movie does this,

but they do it all wrong, so. Damn. Yeah, it's a bummer. I don't know why they decided to do that. I feel like they did a similar thing with that movie Ali. Oh yeah. But that movie just kinda sucked. I know.

And then that doc is so cool. We Were Kings? Yeah. Yeah, so good. I think that's a Michael Mann movie Yeah, I love Michael man. So I just didn't like that movie Michael Mann and Ali think I mean and Will Smith You think would be solid. I know who knew Will Smith slap open hand slap box That a dude who trained to be a boxer hits you in the face. That's true. Yeah, no, he's got the power

I know and he if you could pull up that slap, I know this is old news, but he really cocked back. It was like Victorian. It's such a bitch move. Look at that, I mean that's perfect form. He didn't go after a dude smaller. Yeah, and Rock looking back handled that like a, he didn't even go like, Jesus, he just took it.

That's a guy who had like six brothers. Whoa, yeah. But yeah man, I was at that Christmas Day game, Nick Spurs, and I'm next to Stephon Marbury. Wow. So like after every, Nick's are going on a run, they're losing, I'm like, fuck, the Knicks are gonna lose this.

My girlfriend is a Spurs fan. Uh oh. Which is annoying. Yeah. And she was like, I can't wear a Spurs, a game the Knicks are giving us tickets. If you do it, I will break up with you. The easiest break, you get me in trouble with MSG,

I will easily leave you. I told her that, it'll be the easiest breakup of my life. There you go. And I was like, Knicks are forever. Yeah. I don't know if we're forever. It's a good point. You know.

There's literally a Seinfeld episode about this. I know. Where she wears the Orioles hat to the Yankee game. Unacceptable. Yeah. Unacceptable. To her credit, she just wore black and I was like, alright, that's subtle enough I guess. Yeah. But, you know, Stephon Marbury comes over to high five her after a big Knicks play and she goes, I'm a Spurs fan. It's like, ah, and I'm like, I'll take that high five and Marbury hugs me. Hey! That was pretty cool. Is there anything to be said that she's super loyal? No, I respect that.

Okay. I of course respect you being loyal to your team, but you just can't bring that, you know. Yeah, to the house. You can't bring that when they're hooking us up. Yeah, that's kind of a slap in the face. Yeah, it's a hard ticket, Christmas Day, man. And she lost.

I saw Steve Sharippa there Oh, yeah, he came over and he goes I want to do your guys podcast But I just don't want to come on with other sopranos people I want to like tell my own stories. Oh, that's cool Yeah, interesting, but we're such I told her I was like I was literally watching Sopranos yesterday. Yeah, but yeah, we should have them on I wonder why like he said that he's probably done it with everyone's right He wants to do his own thing. Oh there. He is that's uh the the big ziti That's right Karen ziti bakala. I watched the episode where his dad does that one last hit Burt young Oh, yeah, such a good fucking app. Yeah, he's great. I love the

Because you gotta be saying he goes I can't be Santa. Why can't you be Santa? I'm shot Great delivery. That's perfect I'd love to get imperial on one day too. He's in white lotus I know man, and he wrote some of those apps for you like god damn. He's a smart dude, too Oh, is that right? Yeah, he wrote some apps. Wow crazy. That is cool. There he is I'll get him big nicks fan. Look at that. What, yeah, what were the holidays like with the in-laws? Well, we did the Christmas at their house, which is always great.

The kids come by, all the nephews and everything, and you give gifts. How about this? I got a gift, like a, it's called Pirates Water. See if you can look this up there, Peters. Did you get this from Burt? No. Or maybe it's a-

I thought this was from KFC. Yes, that's what it is. KFC. I have it in my fridge. I haven't tried it yet. You got the chest? Yeah. Oh my god, this is such a New York complaint. When I got it, I'm like, you gotta get a lug of chest up this? I know, I know. But it was a cool presentation.

Yeah, it was really cool. The chest is like well made, it's wooden and metal. We gotta step up our presentation. Is everyone in the liquor game now? I know, and liquor's going through the floor too. That's the weird part, no one's drinking anymore. But this is very different than ours. Did you try, I haven't tried it yet.

It's in my fridge still. I did try it. Eh, not for me. Well it's not your type of drink. No. They're like kinda like. They're like Red Bull-y. Wicked tea.

Yeah. There's a lot of money in this kinda like tough beverage. Look at liquid death. That's true. It's like liquid death. It's Red Bull-y. Wicked Tea. Yeah. There's a lot of money in this kind of like tough beverage. Look at Liquid Death. That's true. It's like liquid death. It's water. It's water. Mike's Hard Lemonade.

All right, all right. Yeah, take it. I just want to drink it. I don't want to fight it. Yeah. So, I got the chess and one of the nephews is five and he's obsessed with pirates. So the wife goes, you gotta bring this to Boston. And I go, oh yeah, that was a month ago.

Cut to the day of, I got my bags packed and I see that fucking chest and I go, ah, I gotta lug this thing. So I'm- Are you driving? No, I'm taking the flight to Boston. That's insane. So I gotta lug this fucking chest through JFK

and everybody's like, what's up with the chest? What's with the chest? I'm like, ah, I'm trying to help out a nephew. And they go, you're a good uncle. And the thing's flopping open and it's heavy as shit. And I'm like trying to shove it. It won't fit in the overhead, so I had to check it. All for this chest, Christmas Day finally shows up,

the kids running, I go, I found this chest in an old pirate ship. And they go, ah, what is that? Transformer? And I go, ah, what is that? The fucking quiff kids. Oh man, that sucks. Yeah, you just left it. Maybe maybe you leave it there and they find something Oh, I left it. I never want to see that thing again. Anamama. Yeah, banana mama Bahama mama Bahama mama God, I can't read them my eyesight sucks But we did it we did a We did the damn thing with Christmas. Then I went home.

In-laws come home with me because they had to do something in New York. So right when you get away from in-laws, you turn around there in your living room. Well now you got this big place, you have space. Big place, but here's the problem. It's still being built and everything's still, we're almost done, we're like 90% done,

but the dad is walking around going, a couple loose wires over here. Who did the plumbing? What's up with that? A little drywall dust on the floor there. And you're like, I know! And he goes, is this vapor locked? And I'm like, I don't know anything about vapor locks. So I'm getting the whole in-law dad construction.

Such dad behavior. Total mansplain, total like,, you gotta step that up. Who does your plug? Give them my number, let me talk to them. And I'm like, I got it, don't worry. So there's a lot of that going on. And that's my peeve. When someone's staying at my house, great, happy to help.

Got the bed made, towels on the bed, I'm ready to go, bathroom's over here. Yeah, but you're not Jon Taffer, let's take it down a notch. Exactly. But my peeve is they wanna hang out. Like the dad's like, what are we doing today? And I'm like, oh, I got a pod to do, and he's like, where is it? And I'm like, it's in Midtown, he's like, I'll go with ya.

What? So now he's going to Midtown with me, so that's the hard part. You're doing Tuesdays with stories with your wife's dad? Yeah, exactly. That's a Patreon app, check it out. But yeah, so that was the hard part, is like the babysitting of it all.

You know, like, he's like, what else is going on? And I'm like, ah, I'm gonna mow the lawn. He's like, I'll rake the leaves. I think he just needs something to do. You know, Ben Franklin's got that quote, visitors are like fish, after three days they start to stink. Ooh. I'm paraphrasing, I don't know if that's exactly,

but that's a version of the quote. That's good. I'm paraphrasing, I don't know if that's exactly but that's a version of the quote. That's good. But it's so true man, like that's why I didn't want a bed in the other room. I'm like you can sleep here on the couch. Yes. The couch ain't that comfy, you're not gonna want to stay for too long. Couch is temporary. Cast like fish begin to smell after three days. I think I like yours better. Smell should be the last word. Yeah. You know, McDonald's designed their seats to be comfortable for five minutes. Wow. Yeah, that's some fucking,

you wonder why these guys stick around. It's ideas like that. It's called fast food, they don't want you to loiter, right? That's true. Also red makes you hungry, they say. So it's all red. All red, uncomfortable. Like my ex.

Red. Yeah. So you wanna leave if something's red too? Well red makes you hungry so you go in, you're like oh I wanna eat more, I'll buy more burgers. Wonder why that is, maybe things are ketchup? Maybe, yeah maybe it does something to the brain. Also ketchup, one of two foods that hit every taste bud. You know, they should make chairs in hospitals

more comfortable. Oh. Because you're never there for five minutes. That's true. In the waiting room. And those chairs suck. They suck. Yeah.

What do you got here? Red is considered a color that makes people want to eat because it is associated with excitement, stimulation, and urgency. All right, well there you go. Weird, all right. Yeah. What's a color that makes you not want to eat?

Brown? Probably. Or, I'm thinking of other fast foods. White Castle's just white, right? Blue? Yeah. Uh. Uh. Yeah, can you make that a little bigger?

Red is associated with energy, passion, urgency, and appetite stimulation. There you go. Orange is associated with value and appetite. What? Are these all? What's yellow is associated with enthusiasm, youthfulness and appetite stimuli.

Are these all appetite? McDonald's has two of them though, red and yellow, right? Green is associated with health, freshness, nature and eco-friendliness. That makes sense. Blue associated with calm, trust, security, and freshness. All right, we're blue on a first date. Yeah.

You don't wanna eat too much and too much trust you. Purple, luxury, fruitiness. Oh, interesting. Elite-ism. Ooh, the Lakers. That's right, you're a bunch of elite fruits. Yeah. Pink, sweetness, femininity, and calm, all right. Brown, sweetness, femininity and calm, all right.

Brown, sweetness, nature, earthiness and wholesomeness. All right, this is kind of interesting. Yeah, all right. Now let me throw this at you. Speaking of fucked up holidays, I'm getting on the flight to go to Boston. I get a call from the garage I keep my car in. Hey, you got a boot on your car. I

What the hell's up with the boot? They're like, I don't know you got to go down to the garage I go I'm leaving for a flight in ten minutes. They go just come by so I the garage is a block away I go to the garage the guy goes we fucked up. We'll take the boot off. I go. All right, great Then I go to Boston two days later. Hey hey, your car got broken into. What? Yeah, so- In a garage? In a garage! That's why you pay for the garage?

I know, and the security guys walking around. Now here's the worst part. Window shattered, because I think a hobo was trying to get warm, there's all kinds of food in there and shit, he didn't steal anything, door was unlocked. Wow. Door was unlocked, it was unnecessary to break the window. Damn.

So I had to go to the garage, call the cops, you wait eight hours, the cops finally show up, the cop goes, this is crazy, the garage has to pay for this. And I go, all right, thank you, that's good to hear. I go up to the garage guy, the booth, and he goes, we're not paying for this. The cops should have given you a report.

I go, he didn't give me a report, he said you gotta pay for it. They go, oh no, we're not in charge of anything. What's the point of the garage though? Just to house it. That is annoying that it was unlocked too like maybe it was just a Criminal for the like love of the game. He opened it then shut it. He's like fuck it. I'm just gonna smash it It looks like he took a bunch of food in there like got out of the garbage some cakes and cupcakes that you left behind And then he ate him in there like in the warmth. Oh fuck.

There's the boot. I got the boot off but that's a good looking car. So how do you, so you have to just get someone to fix the windshield now? I guess I gotta figure out that out. But I almost don't want to pay for it because once you pay for it, trying to get that bill covered is like a nightmare. Yeah but what else are you gonna do? Get rid of the car?

No, I'm just hoping they would cover it. It's crazy. Man, we're getting fucked lately. I know, I'm just hoping they would they would cover it. It's crazy, man We're getting fucked lately. I know suckers this city This city is filled with a lot of people who just love to fuck you over. They really do Yeah, I mean, you know when you have like a great trip in Denver or San Francisco and you fly back right when you land in New York, it's raining. It's snowing. You can't get a cab the guy fucking splashes you with his tire You know, it's like like goddamn you get caught in traffic Remember when we were in LA and we walked into the Comedy Store and the guy just started screaming at us

Yeah, this is like this is LA New York. This is big city crazy dude energy That was like 11 in the morning to know guys like a piece of shit. I'll kill you I'm just like all right. Let's like we got a rollie bags. We don't condition the fight No, not at all. But hey, we could have been caught on fire on the subway. So I guess. That was fucking, that was bad. You see the guardian angels are back.

Yes! God bless them, man. Good for them. I loved those. When I was a kid, I wanted to be one of those guys. Then you actually think about what happens and you're like, fuck it. I love that they all look like the bad guy

from Street Fighter. Fucking, what's his name? Raoul Julien? Yeah, yeah, aw, he was great. Was it M. guy from Street Fighter. What's his name? Raoul Julien? Yeah, he was great. Was it M. Bison? I don't remember his name. Something like that. Well, look at these guys.

That guy's 78 years old. I don't know what difference they're going to make. He's 78, he doesn't carry a weapon. Yeah, he's just wearing a jacket. He looks like a Coast Guard. We better not fuck with this guy. He's wearing a beret. It is good.

I mean, look, but he said, I saw the interview and he's like, we're going to talk to these people. We're going to reason with them. I'm like, I don't know if you understand. Psychos. If you set someone on fire, you're probably not like, oh, was I not supposed to? Okay, I won't do that. Right, right.

I don't know. I don't know if your psychological evaluation is going to help. 70. I do like the idea of a guy like boots on the ground. He's not tweeting. He's like, let's go in there. No, I respect the fuck out of it. I just don't know. I look I guess having anyone brave enough to step in is cool I mean, that's yeah, I was a shitty thing about that woman being lit on fire It's like people are mad at people for not stepping in but at the same time

What are you supposed to do when a person's on fire? True? Yeah, you know, I don't there's no playbook But that's gonna we're gonna have to start being educating citizens of New York, like, all right, if a person's on fire, everyone take out your coats and just start smacking. Yeah, well that's what you think is the coat over, but everybody's got that can of the goose, that shit's $1,300. I know. I know, and now we're gonna have to carry a rape whistle, pepper spray, a knife, and a fire extinguisher. It is crazy, because I do want to blame some of it on the media, but it is different. The subway, there are enough crazy people in it.

It's a throwback for sure. Definitely. There was a shooting two days ago, I don't know if you saw that, or a stab. Something else crazy went down I think two days ago on the subway, so it's ramping up, folks. This shit felt like it was written by Fox News, though. This like, a migrant lit a person on fire in dangerous New York City.

You know they were coming when this story came out. Guatemala. We told you not to fucking come. Because this was someone that Trump, under his immigration, threw out of the country, and then he got back in. Oh, man. See then he got back in. Oh man, see? Snuck back in.

I think the jail reform is really part of the problem. That guy was in jail and got out of jail then put back in jail. Just keep the fucker in jail, he's obviously nuts. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what, what do you do at this point? It was something at Penn Station I saw. I don't know, I don't know what the hell happened

but it was something bad. Lighting a person on fire though is, boy, that's next level. Man stabbed near Penn Station. Oh, okay, I guess that was it. Hell's Kitchen is fucking. I kept the name, dude. Yeah, Salekius lives there.

He's got a knife, and he got jumped. Remember that? We got the video. That was crazy. And he maced the guy. Tough. But that worried me, because it didn't seem like the We got the video. That was crazy. Yeah. And he maced the guy. Tough. But that worried me, because it didn't seem like the mace really worked. That's true.

Yes. Although the cell he's walked up to the guy and the guy was like, ah, so I guess. Maybe it hurt. But then the drugs these people are on, like who knows if they feel anything, you know? That's true. But I see it in every city,

like they love to act like this isn't taking the country by storm, but every city you go to there's some fucking weird camping site in downtown. There's people who are like, yeah, look, I mean, they just, these pharmaceutical companies just like poison the country and then they're like, yeah, we'll get rich. I know. Is that what it is? Because like, you didn't see this in the 50s. Did they just throw a guy in a pit?

Do they stab him? Do they kill him? Like, how do didn't see this in the 50s. Did they just throw a guy in a pit? Did they stab him? Did they kill him? Like how did they not have this in the 60s or whatever? I mean I think there were a lot of drugs. I think there were different drugs. I mean there was definitely a crack epidemic. That's true. DC and stuff.

That's true. And you know Baltimore and all these places. I think people were on drugs. I think they were just, heroin is a more peaceful pie than whatever the shit they're taking now. Right, right. I think people were on drugs, I think they were just, heroin is a more peaceful high than whatever the shit they're taking now. Right, right. Where it's like angry and they all look like Pacino

in the last scene of Scarface. They just won't go down. Yeah, yeah and then Trank is pretty good too. You ever see Trank, those guys in Kensington? They're like barely trying to stand up. Pull that, pull up Trank at TRNQ. DC Benny used to have a joke about the guy the old man in the great joke where you can't tell if he's if He's doing Tai Chi or heroin. Yeah, just the way he's leaning out then the act that was so good

So good. Look at that. They just lean it. It's like the most peaceful zombie of all time Damn, look at those fucking Wounds my god. Ah Good Lord. Yeah, I mean, what are you supposed to do? I think Damn, look at those fucking wounds. My god, ah! Good lord. Yeah, I mean, what are you supposed to do, I think? Trank, they just lean over, wow. It's like- But it's tough, I mean, these are just,

you're asking citizens to step up, but then what happened? You have like a Daniel Penny incident. Yeah. You know, you don't wanna kill the people either. It's like a no-win situation. Val, our friend from the Comedy Cellar, she's one of the managers there.

She got jumped. She got pushed down a flight of stairs on the subway, hits her head on the edge of the stairs, which are sharp. Yes. 17 stitches, maybe 18 actually. Yeah. Actually, I might be making this up. It was like 20 something stitches, it was terrible.

I saw that. She got 400 stitches. She's dead. No. I saw the other day, she's back, thank God. But she's a New Yorker, that's the thing too, is like if you grow up here obviously your head's on a swivel to that kind of behavior. Yeah.

You know where to just step up. Like I used to date a girl who was not from here and she would just, there'd be a crazy guy and she'd just like walk near and I'd be like no no you walk away right this is a pretty simple thing and she's like oh I didn't even notice he was screaming at us and I was like well he was yeah well we had that once it was like two in the morning we were drinking somewhere and I was we were walking on the east side and this guy was like what what's your problem you want to go and I was like what's up with this guy you're like just keep going yeah why would you even engage we

do nothing that guy yells what's your problem? It happened to me on the subway once with Outside Steve from The Comedy Cell. A guy's fucking with everyone on the train. Didn't seem dangerous, but seemed not worth pushing. And he's another New York guy, but he's like, yeah, fuck off. And now he's fucking with us.

I'm like, that is fucking amateur. Yeah, amateur hour. The most embarrassing was the guy tried to give me a signed CD and you were like, what are you crazy? I was like, hey, it might be worth something. Oh no, because those guys will ask for money. Exactly.

Yeah, that's the whole thing. I get my album and you're like, oh, and then he's like, that'll be $40. Yeah. No, I don't actually want that. No, I was helping you out. Yeah, no, we've all been scammed that way. Yeah, well. Don't get scammed in Times Square the first.

The one is, I'm from New Orleans, and the scams are so much more whimsical. The guy will go, I bet I can tell you where you got your shoes. And he go, I don't know where. And he goes, on your feet. Four dollars, please. And he'll be almost like, all right, he was witty.

Yes. But they'll just do that all day. Port Authority fair hustle? Fair hustle. What is that? Fake monks. Geez, is there no integrity? I want to see what the fake monks...

Look at these guys. That looks like a real monk to me. That's how they get you. Damn. They're commonplace in Times Square, although sometimes encountered in Union Square or Central Park, I guess any place with heavy traffic. They'll approach you and try to slide a bracelet on your wrist. They'll ask you for a donation many times mentioning a fake temple that is in dire need of the money These are not real monks then there is no temple

They are keeping the proceeds steer clear of them the fucking I got scammed by a monk. I know a dark city that yeah This are just like pay up motherfucker. Oh yeah. The dropped food. Oh yeah, the wife fell for that one. I was like, you're an amateur. The guy did the, oh, my sandwich. And I was like, that sandwich has been run over, eaten by six rats, it's three days old. And she was like, here's $10.

I was like, you chump. What's the hot dog vendor up charge? There's many hardworking hot dog vendors in New York City. Billy's in the Upper West Side looking at you. Mmm. However, not all of them are honest, especially in touristy areas. Yeah, they will get you. Anytime you order from a vendor without the prices listed, ask how much it costs first.

Yep. I've seen vendors charge me $3 for water when I don't ask, and $2 when I do ask in advance. Damn. Damn, that is, yeah. Hot days in the summer, they'll get you. Yeah. I've heard countless tales of hot dogs being charged seven to $10.

Ooh. Whatever happened to three card money? Can we get that guy back? That was at least fun and exciting. These scams are getting worse and worse. The Staten Island ferry scam, the fake Uber at the airport, that's when you gotta be careful.

Yes. They will fucking fucking they'll send a friend So it like you don't look at the license plate number. They have a friend go in and you could get abducted whoa Someone there was a comic who got sexually assaulted that way really it's fucking bad Right license plate yikes Tina face performing tonight. You're like, wait a second, she's not a stand-up? Damn, that was just after they saw my act. I got ripped off.

What's the other one? Characters in Times Square. Watch out for the Mexican Elmo. Let's take a picture with your kid. Yeah. The Cookie Monster scammed us. Damn. That sucks, because you're ruining your childhood.

You know, like that's that kid's like favorite character and he's like, pay up motherfucker. Right. But this is a throwback. I mean, none of this is new. You got the pick pocket guy, the fake homeless kid, you know, the mom with the kid who looks sick, but they just get up and leave after.

Wait, that's a midget. That's not. Yeah, you got the- Pay up lady. My basketball team needs uniforms, you got that kid. They're out there. The basketball team, yeah. I'm a veteran.

And you're like, your age looks in between wars. Right, yeah, what are you, a Gulf War? What are we talking here? The basketball kid, whenever you do that, ask the team name. Ooh. They always go, ah, the N words. You know, they never have anything.

I don't get the character scam. Oh, they take a photo and they want money? And then they want like 20 bucks. Damn. Yeah. Boy, what a town. Yeah, I remember as a kid, one time a guy just like yelled,

he tried to like scam my mom. My mom was a city person too, so she just like walked by him and he goes, your mom's a rotten person, kid. Whoa! As a kid you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. And my mom's like, he's on drugs.

I was like four. Gee, yeah, I watched a guy spit on my dad once in a street car. What? Yeah, I was like eight. That was heavy. Damn. My dad just went, and that was it. Damn. Yeah, it was it was a kid was like a 14 year old. My dad was in a suit Probably a racial thing who knows damn that fucking it was dark. You don't want to see that shit as a kid

No, like those moments that kind of killed the innocence. We were like, yes one time we were to K and B, which is like a right-aid and I was playing a Street Fighter game at a grocery store on my dad shopped or my mom shopped and then this kid came up He goes I bet you I can beat you and I go I'll take he was like 17 And he beat me in like eight seconds and I had to give him like a dollar Dude yeah, that's hustling for kids. I guess you get older is like pool when you're a kid. Yeah, Tekken. That's true Yeah, dude, uh, I got a good movie wreck for you, by the way sheath underwear

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clams instantly when you play five bucks. You don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed prize picks. Run your game, folks. Shout out Adam Ega, because he sent me the trailer. Please. It's called Lake George. It's an indie. They shot it all for $2 million or so. And it's a, I know you guys are going to make fun of me,

it's a neo-noir. Yeah, it is. It's great. It's a really good movie. Is it like a simple plan? It's it kind of it's a different type of it. I love a simple plan. It's like a five Wow It's really good, dude, and it's a Basically a guy He I'll give you the short version he owes this guy Shay Wingham. He's great

Uh-huh and Carrie coon is great. They're all good acting in it. But he owed money from this gangster who's powerful. And you don't know why, like he doesn't seem like he's the type of guy that would roll with them. And you're like, why is this guy? But he seems really down his luck. And he's like, I'll give you the money,

but you gotta murder my wife. Whoa. And he's like, no way. And then they basically say, we'll kill you if you don't kill her. Whoa. Yeah, so Adam Ega sends me the trailer and he's like, I haven't seen this yet,

but it looks awesome, and I end up watching it, and text him, I go, I love it, he writes back, all right, I'm watching it tonight, and then he wrote, my favorite movie of the year. Whoa. I don't wanna oversell it, but I think it's just a good, simple, sometimes when a movie has a smaller budget,

you gotta get creative, and it's beautiful scenic shots. Yep. Whoever did the cinematography, it just looks so cool. Yeah. I mean, acting's great, and it's one of those noirs that's funny. Oh, I love that. But also dark.

I love these movies where it's just the love of movie making. They're just like, we gotta make a good movie. I don't care about the corporate bullshit or making a ton of money. We just wanna make a good movie and hope people watch it. You know, exactly, and it just like, we gotta make a good movie. I don't care about the corporate bullshit or making a ton of money. We just wanna make a good movie and hope people watch it. It's, you know, exactly. And it's like, I feel like these are the types of movies they just don't make anymore.

Yes. Cause I feel like we talk about this all like, man, what a great decade. We were so spoiled. That's why we love movies so much is that we grew up in the 90s. Yeah. When it was a amazing era.

Amazing. I mean, Forrest Gump, Saving Private Ryan, Lion King, and Pulp Fiction came out in the same year. Yeah, and Fargo maybe too, or maybe that was a year later. Might have been a year later, yeah. But like, yeah, Boogie Nights. Yes!

Fucking all these great 90s movies, you go on forever, but yeah, it's fun, man. Yeah, I mean, we were lucky, because we go up in a time where a good movie made a lot of money, so you were incentivized to make good movies. Now it's like, unless it's Avengers. Oh dude, I read this thing recently that Netflix now,

all these streamers are looking for scenes where you describe what you're doing as you're doing it so people can watch while they're on their phone. Ah! So that's like, imagine you're a screenwriter or a writer and you're like, I gotta dumb my shit down this much. It just sucks that that's, I understand like, but isn't that what like reality TV already is?

Exactly. Isn't there enough of that shit already? It's horrible, yeah, it's scrollable watching. But I had a horrible idea the other day. You know we do standup clips when we put like, you make a joke about Stephen Hawking and you put a graphic of him. I was like, what if we did that with a whole special?

And then I realized, what am I doing? I'm dumbing down the art form. Now I'm putting in a Pokemon figure when I make a Pokemon joke because I worry about the attention span of the audience. Fuck that, you catch up to us. I know. But I had that thought and that's a scary thought.

I know, man. No, it's, you don't wanna write for the algorithm. Yeah. Because then it's like, it's kind of the same as just pandering. It's almost like going on stage and being like, I think gay marriage should be legal. And it's like, yeah, we agree, what?

Yeah, what a hero. Writing for the algorithm is one of those things where you're like, fuck, this is where we're at. A lot of people are, you know? Yeah. I mean, on some level, we're already doing that sometimes with topical shit, but at least that's our take on topical shit.

Right. Like, when we were doing that roast, there were a couple topical stories they threw at us, and we tried to write jokes for it, and we realized, as we were telling them, we didn't care about them. We don't care about machine gun killing. We don't give a shit about Megan Fox.

It just wasn't interesting to us, so we dropped those jokes. And it's funny, people listening, like, you care about Stephen Hawking? On Epstein Island, it's kind of funny. Yeah. I think it is. That's an interesting angle.

Pete Diddy, that was like an interesting story. That was, you know, Luigi. That was a crazy story. So those stories, we were like, let's fucking write jokes. Yeah, totally. And boy, we got a ton of great messages. We got tagged a lot and stuff. Great Goudsby.

That was a hit. I was off. I was like, I don't know about Goudsby. That was a hit. I was off. I was like, I don't know about Goudsby. Eli Sayers wrote that joke. Yeah. I mean, every third comment is like, great Goudsby, great Goudsby. So there you go. You got to go with the good. Yeah, that was a, I mean, did they cut your Diddy joke?

The one about, I think they cut one of, I didn't watch it, but I got tagged in some videos. I don't know if they cut it for the clip or something. But your joke about, fuck, there was a Diddy joke, I don't know if they cut it for the clip or something, but your joke about, fuck, there was a Diddy joke, I think. The riff on Jeff, did they cut that one? It looked like the guy who hands out baby oil to Penny Carty. Oh, did they?

That one kills. That was like, I didn't see it in the clip. I think you're right, I think they did cut it. Because we posted one, and I think, fuck, that was like one of my favorite. Damn! They cut two of my favorite jokes. Really?

That was one that you said, because he's wearing the white tux, Marco, I just said the joke, but he looks like the guy who hands out baby oil at a ditty party, he had crushed in the club. Crushed! And then I had one I loved about his cancer they cut, where it was, you look like a lump.

They cut the lump? They cut the lump. The lump killed! You look like a lump, and like a lump, women are terrified to find you in their shower. Oh! I was so proud when I- You wrote that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The lump killed. You look like a lump and like a lump, women are terrified to find you in their shower. Oh. I was so proud when I- You wrote that one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we wrote a few of them, but we did help, you know? Yeah, we had help, but a couple we wrote and that one was a banger and it was like a last minute one where you're like, what about this? Well, we had a week to do the set, so obviously we have help from writers and they're feeding us jokes.

We're seeing if we can mold that into our voice, if it doesn't work for us, we're riffing with the writers. Yep, yep. We had like, you know, I think we can mold that into our voice, if it doesn't work for us, we're riffing with the writers. Yep, yep. We had like, you know, I think we already mentioned this in the show, but people like, you know, Dickie Egan. Oh yeah. Mike Lawrence, Tank.

Beast. Matt Broussard was helpful, Eli. Yep, Zach Amico. Zach Amico, Jesus Christ, he is relentless. Killer, great writer, I don't know why that guy's not hired. Oh yeah. Sam McChaff that I used, JP McDade, great writer, a lot of great writers

were helping us, so. Yeah. We need a week to write a whole set. But we threw a couple bits in there. Oh yeah. We also cut some of that Stephen Hawking thing he did that I loved. Ah, man, that was pretty dark.

We went dark. But not as dark, I mean, shit, Tim came out as a dead CEO. That's true, yeah. I thought it was hilarious, but I mean. Very funny. I saw the post, wrote it up, I was like, holy shit. I know, I know, he made the news, up. I was like, holy shit. I know. He made the news and his post was great.

He just posted on Instagram and said, this is as tasteless as it looks like, which is so true. What sucks is I was in the background of a thing looking like this. I'm like, I was laughing. They got the one screenshot of me not laughing. Ah, yeah. But yeah, man, that was crazy. Yeah, I think no one knew it was coming.

So people were like, what the fuck is this? And it took a day to kind of catch up to people where they're like, what the fuck is this, torching? There was no publicity or anything really. Well yeah, we were like the only ones who didn't get a write up for doing something outrageous. We should have come out as if we came from the white party. Yeah, yeah.

We had like a pink top and a white linen over and that would have been, but you know, whatever. I thought pink top and a white linen over it. I know. But you know, whatever. I thought about it, but yeah, he was wearing the tux so I thought, hey, maybe we should look nice. We look cooler, but it probably would have gotten more buzz. That's true. But you know, when are we ever gonna wear a smoking jacket again?

It was kind of fun. Good point. Yeah, the loose bow tie, always a good look. But yeah, it's out, we're done, people can it and we don't really we don't really burn any material too bad I lost two, but I probably wasn't gonna use them in anything. All right But then you say that but then you're like this diddy story ain't going away I could I could have kept that King and Justin one probably I Bet you can still do it. Yeah, maybe yeah, I've seen one I don't think I was gonna use for anything else well there you go an old one look at uh look at Nate crushing man

Nate Bartosz That did you love it? It's beautiful. Can I get a click on that second one in the round? I believe it is and it's so pretty it is a definite flex to do It looks like the Super Bowl did Mike Lavin direct this one as well? Probably. He's great. Homeless Pimp if you don't know him. I mean you probably know him from Chrissy D's.

He used to be on Chris's podcast. He's directed a lot of specials. And he does a terrific job. That is really something. Boy, Nate, we're friends with like the America's comic. He's like the guy right now. Oh man, I have all the memories of us drinking together back in the day.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, Nate's always been a great dude and a great comic. I have this memory of him. We were doing a show one night at Caroline's and we all bombed. It was one of those, you know, Caroline's present shows in Times Square.

They bark in the worst audience you've ever played for. Yep, yep. But it was a lineup lineup, like looking back, you're like, man, these are like great comics on this, you know? Yeah. Joe Mackey, I don't know if you were on it or not, I think maybe Soda was on it, all these great comics.

Yeah. And we all kind of bombed. Oh yeah. And they just wouldn't laugh. And Nate kind of bombed too. Wow. But he was the only one who didn't adapt. I mean, he didn't feel like he had to. He didn't cave. We all in some ways kind of bombed too. Wow. But he was the only one who didn't adapt. I mean, he didn't feel like he had to.

We all in some ways kind of were trying to change geeks. Yeah. And he was the only one who stayed true to who he was on stage. And over time he started doing better and better as we were all just kind of bombing. Interesting. And by the end, you could tell they respected him,

which is pretty cool to be like, because nothing feels worse than pandering and still bombing. Yes, tell me about it. But I was like, man, this guy is maybe the most comfortable in his own skin and voice on stage as like anyone. 100%, I mean, I would see him go on after like a high energy black comic,

humping the stool, and he would still get him. I mean, the guy, he knew how to, he doesn't show it. You can't see his moves but he knew how to get an audience into his rhythm somehow quick and it's really impressive. Because it's so authentic and unique and you know that's him. So when he talks, they don't sound like jokes but then you see, they posted one, I'm sure you could find it on Netflix. They posted maybe on Instagram, or maybe it was on his, I saw it somewhere, but it's a joke and you see it, you're like,

oh, that's a joke. Yeah. But you don't realize he's telling you jokes, it's like the way you almost get mad. I feel like an audience who doesn't know him might be underestimating him. Yes, yes. Not realizing how smart the jokes are.

But maybe that's his point, maybe he wants to lull you and then sneak attack. I think it is. I think it is too. I think Burr does that to a degree too. Yep, yep. Where he'll play dumb and then you're like, that's one of the smartest jokes I've ever heard. That's so true.

He's like, what do I know? I'm a fucking comic and I'm like, you know. Right, right. I know stuff. Exactly, he's like, look folks, I don't read. It was a static, It wasn't like a video So it's probably on their Instagram or something Netflix or his I don't know But I just saw it and I was like that's a fucking joke

Well Norm always said play dumb be the dumb guy in the room even Norm's like he reading Dostoevsky and shit pretending to be an idiot But then yeah, they'd fucking no is it no it's a still it doesn't matter. It's probably oh Look at that look at that look at that dumb. There it is You want to very differently she'll read the labels, and I'll wash a rug and a suit together It's a great line a great line was it wasn't the one I was thinking of it's another good one Damn is there another there it is there's one I don't know anything about history and I can tell because every history movie I watch,

I watch in the edge of my seat. Gold. That was it. And that's like a joke where you're like, oh shit, that's like a perfectly written joke but that's just so. It's so conversational. You could say that at a bar.

Yes. He had a great line to tag to that as, I watched Pearl Harbor. Man, I was surprised as they were. Such a great line that tagged to that as, I watched Pearl Harbor, man, I was surprised as they were. Such a great joke, and it's so subtle, but it's so gold. Yeah, it's great. This is Fat Tim and Fat Jeff. This scene almost made me turn it off right here.

This reveal. Ah, that is the worst white fucking hairless piece of shit ass I've ever seen. Oh, and I've seen Jeff's face. Oh my God, that guy does not have an inch of hair on his body. You could put your fingers in your mouth or his butt and it would probably look the same.

Yeah, exactly, yes. And both some would come out on either. Oh, is this a happy two? All right, I feel we're now just watching TV. We're now watching, sorry. We'll get back to having a conversation. But yeah, Nate, killing it. Killing it.

Cool to see people that you just knew from back in the day just crushing. Yeah, and it shows that the work pays. Oh yeah, Nicky to the Golden Globes. You heard you got advice from Gervase. Really? He had a great line. He goes, one, you're not one of them, so don't try

to fit in. Be you. Be a comic. That's good. Be biting. And two, just know when you go out there, they're not going to shut up. They're all talking and kind of milling about and there's a bunch of shit going on. Don't let that get in your head. That is a hell gig. It's a hell gig. So. But she will look good doing it. Oh, she'll kill it. And she'll put the work in. Like she knows. Yes, she. She always does It you got to run this shit through the mud dude. Oh, yeah, like I feel like even for our thing We had a week to do it. We were up every night. Yep Four times a night. Oh, yeah writing at lunch writing on the flight writing in the in the clubs in the back and tweaking I'm gross. She's done multiple roasts and she she always kills so you just you know what you got to do

These are interesting too because we could fuck we're talking about rape and diddy and Stephen Hawking You kind of have to clean it up on these but she's gonna find a way to be biting still which is I think one of her And that's wrong challenge is like man. I would love to do a clean one sometimes just for the challenge Yeah, yeah, cuz you still have to have like like, Nicky's gonna be edgy still. It's like when you see a good comic, like, look, 30 Rock was on NBC, but those are like biting jokes. Oh, I love that show.

You know, like, Ryan Hamilton, if you don't know his comedy, great clean comic. Yeah. I mean, he's got so many great clean comics. Killer. I mean, we're just, we're talking about Nate, you know, we're talking about, we've had Regan on here, we've had Gaffigan on here.

Yes, I mean, Tom Papa. Great. Ryan Hamilton got hit by a bus. He's got 30 minutes on, it's all gold. I know, it's funny because the comic part of my brain is like, wish I got hit by a bus. There is that fuck, because obviously I don't, but there's like, fuck, I'm in a writing drought.

That's true, yeah, you need something to happen. You need something to happen, you are waiting, but then also, it's on us too, because comfort is like the enemy of creativity. So true. We moved into nicer places. Yes! Our careers have gotten good,

and now I don't wanna, I have to have to force myself to leave. I used to like be excited to go on the road. Right. Those hotels were so much nicer than my apartment. Right. And even shitty hotels. Oh yeah.

You know, but then you get comfortable at home, it has to still be a treat. You know what you need? What? Because we both have comfortable homes. You need a wife. Now I'm out again. Now I'm like, all right, I gotta get out. That's the key. And then you're gonna have a kid coming on the way?

Oh, I'm never gonna be there. But I do, I still am excited to go on the road because I do feel like, all right, I'm gonna get shit done. I'm gonna work. Yes. And that's exciting knowing that I'll maybe get one new bit. Yes, that's you, and you're left alone, you can write and no one's gonna bug you, you don't have a podcast to do it,

you're just in that hotel room, in that coffee shop, working. Can I run a bit by you? Please. So this is just an idea, I don't know where the joke is perfectly, but I said it last night, it got something, I was like, all right, it needs more,

but talking about healthcare in this country, I'm obviously not defending what Luigi did, but we all kind of get it. Yeah. Like protesting doesn't do shit. Right. So I'm not saying it's okay, but we all get like, even if you have insurance

and you're getting ripped off, it takes what? We found someone in your network, you need a referral, it'll take six months. Okay, I can buy a gun today. You know? Good point. So it's like, at a certain point you get angry, I think that's the anger, that got a pop,

I'm like, there's something there, right? Yeah, maybe guns are easier to get than insurance, you know, like that's the whole meat of it. Like the guns, do you have a waiting period? Not federally. Oh really? Yeah, I don't believe so. I think that used to be a thing.

Okay. Two guys who don't have guns talking about guns. No, or healthcare. But like, it is funny, it's easier like, I wonder if more people have guns or healthcare. That's an interesting- That's a good question. I guess if you have a gun you don't need healthcare. Federal law does not require a waiting period.

From, yeah, all right. Who's the first guy to walk into a hospital and they go, yeah, sit right there, sir, it'll be a couple hours, and he's like. John Q. Oh yeah, John Q. People made that comment. I'll noodle with that, but there was something there.

When you get that first bite, I was ripping, I was like, all right, that laugh means something. Yeah, yeah, I like that. That's big and talk about timely. Yeah, hopefully it stays. I think that story's gonna stay relevant. Oh yeah, he's in the trial, that's all gonna keep coming up.

Nathan McIntosh had a good angle on it too. I've heard so many of the just like, he's hot, and you're like, all right, he needs more. Yes, well what's his angle? I forgot it, but it's probably on Instagram. McIntosh, underrated. He's hot and you're like, I need more. Yes, well what's his angle? I forgot it, but it's probably on Instagram. McIntosh, underrated. He's fucking funny. Good comic, always unique takes and different angles.

Yeah, yeah. Check him out. It's on his Instagram I think, or maybe Twitter or something, I don't know. But yeah, he's a funny guy. Is this anything? And this is, talk about a half-baked idea. Oh, this is talk about a half baked idea. Oh this is it. They offer ten thousand dollars for information.

A billion dollar company offered ten thousand dollars for their CEO! That's like if somebody killed my mom and I offered you half a penny to find the killer. Wait I don't get it. I missed the beginning. Somebody help find the killer of my mom? I'll give you a bite of my sandwich. He says the company is worth billions and they offered $10,000 to find the killer. Oh, I see. That's funny. That's hilarious. Great angle. What was your bet? That's great. The sweater is a problem, but a great bet. We love you, Nate. Good stuff.

Is this stupid? I read some stat. It said women, 98% of women can't keep a secret. You know, like that's like one of their flaws. Wow. And I thought that might be why there's so few female serial killers. It's not because they're better people. It's just because they're like, where were you on the night of 15? And she's like, well's like well alright I killed four guys yeah they can't keep it in yeah we can we can gab and and be quiet yeah we can kill and be quiet you feel women murdering you like need a gab about yes yes you got a gossip and I thought the funny

part could be she's in the confession and she's like well I went out to kill this guy then I realized I needed milk all they had was soy milk there's a lot of sugar and soy milk I can't guy's like, just kill me. Yeah, there's something funny too about like you murder people and you just have to get it out. Talking to a friend, they're like, I met a guy the other night. And then he's like, I met a guy too.

What happened next? I shouldn't say. Yes, yes, come on, it's me. There's something really funny about that. I didn't know where you were going. Yeah. Going CIA. Oh, right, right, right. But like murder is funnier.

Yeah, women can't keep a secret. How many female serial killers have there been? Right, it's like. It's very few. Very few. Especially famous ones. I know we got Monster. Monster.

16%. Wow, women only do 10% of the murder. It's usually a domestic thing too, I think. Monster 16% Wow women only do 10% of the murder. It's usually a domestic thing too. I think that's true But like that's the thing too. It's like you know look at Luigi good-looking guy murder someone Warnows from monster not exactly making my dick heart Like we're not standing outside like we'll be there when you get out right well The girls hot enough she can get a guy to kill for him or wow That is amazing they got Charlize Theron to play her I know these are the casting people They're like you want to get someone who's maybe you know a good character actress

They're like nah, just I'll go up. Well. What a hottest woman in the world. What does it say about America that we're like? Okay, I want to be taken seriously. I gotta be ugly about America that were like, okay, I wanna be taken seriously, I gotta be ugly. She wants to win an Oscar, you can't win an Oscar if you're hot, oh, this lady's asking for it, look at this fucking knife. You know it was pretty hot though, she was not a serial killer, but remember Jodie Arias?

Oh yeah. I had a bit about her back in the day, about how her boyfriend, she stabbed her boyfriend 30 times, shot him in the head, and all because he broke up with her. And women are always like, why don't you be a man and break up with me in my face? And I'm like, that's why.

I'm gonna stick the text. Yeah, she's kinda got a Bobert vibe. She looks crazy. She does. Nice lips. Damn, you broke up with her. Yeah, one time a friend of mine, he cheated on a girl and she was like, why didn't you just dump me?

And he's like, well, I still wanna go out with you. I just wanted to fuck this other person. And she's like, well, just break up with me if you wanna fuck other people. And he's like, but I always wanna fuck other people. That doesn't make sense. Yeah, that is a tough thing. It's a tough one.

I had another bit I was working on like that where it's like my girlfriend asked me I wanna fuck other people and I was like of course and and she goes like what? And I was like well, you don't want to sleep with other guys and she goes no I was like we're always commenting when a guy is attractive It just doesn't mean I want to sleep with them and I was like, okay, well, that's fucking weird. That's weird That's like if I see a movie trailer, it looks amazing. I'm not like man. It looks incredible for another man. Yeah movie trailer when it looks amazing. I'm not like, man, it looks incredible.

For another man. Yeah, exactly. Enjoy, not me. Yeah, of course. It's like food. You wanna eat all the food, it looks good. Yeah, it's, I'm not saying I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying this is what I want.

Of course. But then you really have to, it hurts to, they want honesty, but then, well, then don't ask questions that you know are gonna hurt your feelings. I know, that's true. No, I don't even look at anyone else. Of course we do.

That's why I never got that whole, that's another thing with ladies I don't get is like the happy wife, happy life. Like what is this, a dictator? Like I'm terrified of this woman? If she's not happy, my whole life is ruined? Like some people aren't happy all the time. Like why, this is on me now? Suck up, get your shit together.

That is a whip talk. That's also like kind of, it's like the old 90s sitcom. Yes, yes. Where it's like, oh, whatever you want, honey. I thought this was like a partnership. I know, I know. What the hell? Happy wife, happy life. When I heard that, I was like, I'm never getting married. Also, so my happiness is now dependent on her happiness. Exactly.

I've dated people who have severe depression. It usually starts after they date me, but still. Right. No, but that's insane. It's insane. And you're treating them like a kid. It's like, oh, the toddler's unhappy, so she's screaming all day.

You're like, well, get it together. If you're unhappy, suck it up. Go to work, figure it out. Why is this on me? That's fucking stupid. It's stupid. It's a little misogynist-y too. A little bit.

Yeah. Because you're like, it's like fake ass kissery. Right. It's like those people that post the pictures with their wives all the time and you know they're miserable. Yes. We all know those couples that they're like

hanging on by a thread. Overcompensate. And they're doing the posts because they're like, no we're good, see I'm showing you that I'm not gonna leave because I'm showing the world that you're mine. But it's like, no, we're good, see, I'm showing you that I'm not gonna leave because I'm showing the world that you're mine, but it's like, yeah, but. Say it hand in hand with the people who spend eight million dollars on a wedding,

they get an elephant and they get like a three ring circus and all these guys doing the fire and the crazy food and the band and then they break up in a year, you know? Oh God. Because they put the love into the wedding, they don't put the love into each other. It's showy. It's showy. It's not real. Oh, it's like you're not if you felt secure in it. You wouldn't have to do all the right, right It's the guy who's like I love pussy

No straight guy talks like that It is kind of like a gay dude who is acting how they think straight dude Yeah, man, you know what fucking rocks? Pussy, dude. Right. Love pussy so much. Yeah. Just like, do you?

Remember that 40-year-old virgin? He's like, oh, tits, yeah. Oh, it's like a bag of sand. Although fake tits can feel like a bag of sand. That's true. That's true. You ever touch it when they don't move at all and you're like, that's fucking, I mean, they look better than they feel.

Yes. They look amazing when then you touch them and you're like, that's fucking, I mean, they look better than they feel. Yes. They look amazing when then you touch them and you're like, it's a little too hard. Boy, ain't that the truth. That is true. Sometimes they get a little too floppy. You want that middle ground. Yeah, that's true.

It's like pizza. You don't want it to just be like totally stiff and you don't want too much flop. Right, right. You want it in the middle a little bit. Yes. Like a hint of flop. Hint of flop and like a pizza, I dab it first.

Then I stick my face in it. Sorry about that one, guys. I love, my wife's got huge cans and I love trying to get them both in my hand. That's a fun move, you know, you try to just finagle. And they're even bigger now because of the- That's true. Are you bummed that they're gonna lose a, I mean they're already- Well they were already huge and now they're like crazy huge so I'm fine with the back to huge. Is it fun having sex with a pregnant woman?

I don't know about fun but it's different. It's definitely, you gotta maneuver more. Like the other night I got too into it, you know you just kinda go nuts during sex and I was on top and she was like, what are you doing? You're squishing the baby and I was like, oh geez, you're right. I was just like on top and she was like, what are you doing? You're squishing the baby. And I was like, oh, geez, you're right. I was just like on top of her, like missionary

with a fucking pregnant belly. And I didn't even realize it because I was so keyed up, you know. Even worse than six months of your fucking. And she's like, you're squishing the baby. By the way, I got this one the other night. There's a big difference between pull my hair and you're on my hair.

Isn't that weird? Like I had an elbow on the hair and she was like, ah. But then if I pull the hair and you're on my hair. Isn't that weird? Like I had an elbow on the hair and she was like, ah! But then if I pull the hair, she's like, ooh! I'm like, what's the difference? Pull the hair either way. Yeah, it's gotta be on purpose. Yeah, that's funny. You're on my hair, you're pulling my hair.

Damn, that's crazy you're gonna have a kid so soon. I know, it's like 25 days. Oh my God. That's amazing though, man. Yeah, it's exciting. You got the setup for it now, you're built for it, you got the foundation. Yes, yes, very exciting.

And what's nice is when the kid comes out, we can stop talking about the pregnancy. All I hear is pregnancy. I know. And I get it, it's a big deal and she's going through a lot, but it's a lot of stuff. Cool shoes.

Oh, thank you, these were a Christmas gift. New Balance. You're like the New Balance guy. I love New Balance. I walk everywhere, so I need a comfortable shoe. Yeah, they look comfy. What do you think? It's kind of a throwback.

That's why I like them. Yeah, me too, 550. They're a little too white right now. Yeah, you'll dirty them up. Yeah, this city'll do it. By the way, what's going on? It's like 60 degrees outside. I know, what the hell? I don't know this at least we got a touch of snow

I got that cold plunge turned into a block of ice outside really it's busted are we still getting those new ones? Oh New one I think it's I think I got it all melted today Wow and I Is it leaking? No, it's not leaking but the thing The thing won't turn on anymore. Yeah, 56, look at that. 56! I usually have a jacket for a little while.

Dude, her dementia's getting so insane. Really? I mean, it's kinda funny, I'll just, you know, she's in such deep sleeps all the time, so I have to wake her up, I'm gonna take her out to pee and stuff, so I have to be very gentle with her, you know? Yeah.

And then she'll turn around and give me a look like, who the fuck are you? Oh boy. And then just attack. Whoa! I mean I don't wanna tempt her here, but you have to really get her up. Yeah.

But her attacking is hilarious because she's fucking nine pounds. Right. So she's just like, ah! I'm like, yeah, it's not scary. What about the bite? Is the bite hard? She's got four teeth.

Okay, you're fine. So if every once in a while I get the two two teeth that work, I'm like that didn't feel great but... You're basically living with a meth head. Two teeth and turn on you at any moment, you know? Wow, that's crazy. She's a little meth head. My ex-girlfriend had a chihuahua. It was the most cunty, annoying dog, yappy little chihuahua. She's got like one-fourth chihuahua. That's why she's the cuntiest dog ever. Such a cunt, but the great thing about the dog is we had like a weird tumultuous relationship, love-hate.

Sometimes she'd be like, this is great, we're hanging out, I got her like a baby, and she's licking my chin, great. And then sometimes I would be nervous to pick her up and she could feel it. And then she would snap, she was like, meh, and I would be nervous to pick her up and she could feel it and then she would snap she was like And I would drop the dog She's back. Oh, there we go. Yeah, dude. Those dogs are there's a trainer at this gym I go to and he'll just like he'll just we just Jack guy just walking around all cocky and his Chihuahua just follows him everywhere Just the funniest thing to see a huge guy with a dog this that's true

And the dog picks like they pick up on your personality, so the dog is kinda cocky and. Yes. Well I'm like, nah, this is, this is not. That's a dog, yeah, you gotta come home, this thing's gonna be taking apart a vacuum cleaner. Dude, last time I brought her in here, she had some fucking bad diarrhea, she was diarrhea-ing all over the street.

Oh. Yeah, but she's all right now. Yeah. She's so old, you just wanna make sure she's all right. But the funny thing, her face is so funny she just cheers people up I saw this grumpy looking guy in the street and he looked down at Winnie's face and just and he just smiled ha like that is the the power of a cute little pup that's the tongue that tongue it gets you every time look at that cat I

dude a sweet cat man it's oh a nice animal at home huge a home needs an animal like we were just in her in-laws and there's no animals around and you're like, this is kind of boring. There's no energy in the house. It's nice to have a creature roaming around. It is. The only thing is you got to get like a Roomba or something that hair is fucking everywhere. Ah, we just got a Roomba. It's crazy, right?

It's crazy the amount of hair, but I don't love the Roomba. I got a beef with it. Cause you got stares now. Yeah, but it's not picking. I watch it go over a paper clip and it won't pick it up. You need like a Mexican Roomba. You need one that works harder. Yes, a Roomba, that's what I need. Dude, I don't even have one, but I've been told to get one,

but I've heard that they, it's like crazy, the technology, because they learn the pattern of your home. Yes. So they, first they're kind of figuring it out, but they learn the pattern of your home. Yes. So they, you know, at first they're kind of figuring it out, but then they just kind of know where to go. I'm like, that's crazy. That's impressive. And they know when to charge, so it just goes back.

Yes, it goes back to the home. It is cool technology. It is, it is fun. And you feel like you're doing something. I'm watching TV with the Roomba on, and I'm like, I'm cleaning, you know? Well, and they have a mop version now, too. What? I don't know if it works as well, but they have a mop, I'm looking into it. I'm like, I'm cleaning, you know? Well, and they have a mop version now too. What?

I don't know if it works as well, but they have a mop, I'm looking into it. I'm like, this is cool. I would get one. I mean, I have one, they're pretty nice, but I do think it could be better at picking shit up. Yeah, well, it's just harder now that you got the multiple floors.

I know, that's how you know it's not Mexican. It stops at the border. It doesn't go to the other rooms. But it's pretty impressive, like it'll hit the the stairs, and the stairs are just going down, and it stops. So it's definitely as good as scanning. Dude. Wow, the mopping, that's incredible.

I watched it, I was talking to Salakis, who's not here today, and you know, he's a great movie guy, he's always, Oh yeah. You ever see Brian De Palma's body double? Oh, it's been a while but I've seen it. It's like rear window meets vertigo. Yeah.

But just kind of pornographic. Hell yeah. It's insane. Oh, Melanie Griffith, whatever happened to her? She was hot. I mean, yeah, she's like the hot chick in so many movies. Yeah. Her daughter is that actress, Dakota Johnson.

What? Oh yeah, with Don Johnson. Yeah she's dude another great one with her it's something wild if you never see this one I can't give it a full record that's too weird I like it a lot but I I can't give it the rec to our Lake George is my rec for the week yeah but man it's fucking I thought it was fun as hell my girlfriend hated it. It does look super weird. It's weird as fuck but I just it just fun. It's like 80s in this crazy way I don't know. Yeah, and the poem is so fucking his movies are always fun. Oh, yeah, but uh

Yeah, he was texting Sal Kieson. Of course. He fucking was like, that's one of my favorites Oh, of course. She you ever see something wild with her. That's a great now. I never heard of it Oh, that's a that's a underrated one. The leotis is incredible in it. Something wild. Oh yeah, I remember this. Yeah, it's really good. Jeff Daniels. How about Milk Money? Never saw that one, but was that her tits?

Yes. Those movies were her tits. Ed Harris, yeah. I think I had a friend who, when we were like 13, he was like, that's in my jerk rotation. Ha ha ha. I'm sure you can find the tits if you really do some finagling there, Peters.

Salek used to have it bookmarked, all right? Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh yeah. Yeah, she was just sexy in so many movies. Oh, come on. I think she's, oh my lord. Milk money. Damn. Those are real.

Yeah, looks, great body. Great body, nice face, good head of hair. Yeah, pretty lady. Yep. I think she was banging Antonio Banderas for a while. Yeah, I think they were together. She's in another one with Harrison Ford that's supposed to be good. I didn't see it, but I forgot the movie's name. She was kind of like a trashier Meg Ryan.

Yeah! You know? Like Meg Ryan, but she'll show some clam. Yeah, more sex appeal. Meg Ryan's a little more girl next door. Yeah, hers would be called, you've got male genitalia all over you. Ha ha ha ha. There we go.

Count it. Hell yeah. Oh, night moves she's in? That's a fucking great movie. I don't know, no, Hackman. That's a great fucking, dude, Arthur Penn directed it, who did Bonnie and Clyde. Oh wow awesome

All right awesome movie. I'll check we're getting some good movies today a lot of movie. I mean look at the holidays I'm not doing shit. I'm doing sets at the cellar, but these holiday crowds are taking years off my life Oh, dude. I did three last night. It was drunks top to bottom I did a 6 p.m.. Show this woman is so fucking hammered. I gotta say she looked great I thought she was like in her 30s. She was like, oh, we've been married 40 years, or something like 40 years, and I was like, 40 years? How old are you?

She was 62, couldn't believe it, looked incredible. He looked old as shit. Yeah. But she looked. Wow, good for him. Good for him, man. She was hammered, so not entirely good for him. There's some about this, between Christmas and New Year's,

there's this weird limbo of the year and everybody's getting fucked up and fat. Because they're around family. Oh. The Christmas to New Year's week has gotta be one of the hardest drinking weeks of the year because you're around family. Think about who you are when your family shows up.

I love them, but they say one wrong thing that triggers some childhood thing and I'm like, where the fuck is the Scotch? Yes, totally, Scotch and cookies. I need some vice, give me every vice you got. Trying to numb yourself. I know, it's so true. Dude, when we were at the roast

and we were just there for four hours on thing, I remember when we were like, they brought us the Scotch at like three hours and then we just downed it. Oh yeah. Or a burdega cat, whatever they brought us. And then we're like, all right, we need more. Miss Pat's like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys?

And we're like, you realize, oh shit, that looks crazy. Yeah, true. But you're like, no, we just need to get fucking ham. That sounds worse the more you say it. No, we just need to black out to forget this night. Well, we worked our balls off for like a full week, going to bed at midnight, waking up at nine, going to breakfast,

writing all day, doing sets all night. All we were, I had like jokes on the brain, it was like fucking Good Will Hunting on the chalkboard. You wanna shut down? You wanna shut down? It's like a computer that's been on for a week. Yes! You just wanna shut it down.

Put the sleep on. Yeah. Oh God. Oh boy. TikTok. I threw it up on TikTok. Yeah, yeah, my guy does the Tick Tocks. I hate Tick Tock, man.

I post and I get the hell out of that. I don't even watch it. I hate it. I will say, young people are really good with Tick Tock. That's why you gotta do them all. I know, but my lady will be in Barcelona and I'm like, what should we do today? She's like, hold on.

And she'll Tick Tock it and it's like top 10 things and they're all great. Really? So yeah, TikTok is good. Young people know how to work it. I'm too old and gay. Uh. No, don't pull up Stamos.

I'm so glad you were there, Peters, because you got to see, you know what the hell we're talking about. Yeah, you got to see how the sausage is made. Not as fun as it sounds. Yeah. I guess watching a sausage is made. Not as fun as it sounds. Yeah. I guess watching a sausage get made doesn't sound that bad.

It's a strange expression. That is true. Damn, I've been rewatching some Bourdain before bed too. Oh, I love it. Great before bed show. Great to just have on. That's like my go-to to have on while I'm fucking with a Roomba.

Yeah, love a Roomba. Yeah, any peeves? Well, let's see, I had the one about the din-law dad doing like the pipes are a little off here, oh, that's shaky. So I had to like go through the house with him but he was taking notes. I had a guy do that at my place recently,

it drove me nuts. Yeah. Where he was just kind of dissecting what's wrong with each room and I was like, it was like my friend's friend, I was like, I don't even know you. I know. Insane. And he goes, are you writing this down? I was like, yeah, like my friend's friend, I was like, I don't even know you. I know. Insane.

And he goes, you writing this down? I was like, yeah, yeah. And then after a while, he's like, you getting all this? And I think my head, like, once you leave, I'm never gonna think about this again. Like, I know this is the biggest thing in your world right now, but I'm never gonna fix any of this. That's the hard thing is understanding

people's love languages, where you're like, well, this is not, he probably thinks he's being really helpful. Yeah. And that's how he's showing affection to you, is you're like, well this is not, he probably thinks he's being really helpful. Yeah. And that's how he's showing affection to you. Is you're like, this is what you need, but you're like, no this is just annoying. I know.

What is your love language? Cause I don't even know if I have one. Probably food and experiences and stuff. Like all like, yeah we'll get like good meals and stuff. Like making sure you're like, oh we should eat this at this place or something. But I think there's five of them to choose from and you gotta pick one.

If that's not there, I might not have a love language. Yeah, well, I think we all have to have one, right? Give me the list of them, because it's like touch. My girlfriend is buying me shit. Oh. And you know, when you live in Manhattan, people giving you gifts begins to get annoying

because there's a lack of space. Yes, exactly. But that's her love language to you or that's how she feels? Like how does she feel loved? Oh, that's interesting. Okay, there we go. Words of affirmation, compliments. Compliments and other ways to express. See, that's funny because I've dated girls who are like, well, you're all talk. Oh. Because some people say, oh wow, I feel love. But that does, at a certain point,

you can't be like, you're beautiful baby. They're like, shut up. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Okay, quality time, spending time together. I think a lot of ladies have that one. Prioritizing eye contact and active listening. That's a tough one. Tough.

Cause some of you ladies are gabbers. Oh yeah. And I can listen to a certain point, but I'll tell you this, I have friends going on dates all the time still, and I have a friend go, I'm going out on a date with, you know, they don't ask you a thing about you.

Yeah. It's weird. That happens. Maybe that's young people, I don't know. That's a type. Maybe he's just picking out vapid people. Right, right. Physical touch, intimacy, and acts of affection,

like holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. I feel like that's probably a lot of people's. That's my penis' love language. Well my friend has that, he's a big tough guy, but physical tough, he goes and gets massages and stuff just because he's like, I feel lonely. Not even because I want to feel massaged, I just want to be touched.

Interesting. Which I don't have that at all. You shouldn't tell that to the masseuse. Yeah. I'm lonely and sad. Touch me, it's my love language. Acts of service, doing things to make your part, that's big.

Chores, cooking, well that's like the show me, don't tell me. Yes. So that makes sense, that makes a lot of sense. Like I'm gonna do this for you, or instead I did this for you. Yes, yes. Receiving gifts, we already discussed, that's not it.

So which one of you you think? Probably doing, I'm not great with chores, I'll be honest. I'm a slob, but it is my place. Probably physical touch. Oh, really? That's what I do for them. Oh, okay, okay. I'll eat your pussy.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, no, I do for them. Oh, okay, okay. I'll eat your pussy. Yeah, sure. Yeah, no, I don't know. I'll eat a physical touch, acts of service probably, quality time. I think those are like a little bit of each probably. How about you? I'm probably service all the way. Time, I don't wanna hang out.

Words of affirmation, I'll talk. I'll be in the room with you, but I do have my noise canceling headphones on. I'm trying to work a lot. Yeah, yeah. There's still people watching some shitty show I don't wanna watch. Right.

And I just put on the headphones and I just, I'm playing jazz and I'm just trying to read articles and trying to write usually. Yeah, yeah. But I don't know if that's quality time. Yeah, but we're in the room. I wanna be around, but I just, Patrice said that great bit.

Yeah. We want you around, but we don't want you. We don't want you there or whatever. I think I have a lot of comics for you. 100%, yeah. I posted a clip today that's blowing up. It's going viral about how men don't wanna do anything. Women are like, we wanna go to brunch and apple picking

and men, we don't wanna do it. And women are always like, men are horrible planners. I'm like, well, we just don't wanna do that. I know. So now you want me to plan a thing I don't even wanna do. You know, like, if I wanna go to the Super Bowl, I'll make a plan, I'll get there. Yeah, it is fun, like, finding common interests

and just doing that, otherwise it's like, well then, I'm doing you a favor. Yeah, and paying, by the way. Exactly, dude, I mean, I've dated a lot of women who don't like sports, so I'd be like buying both tickets to the game. And they'd be miserable the whole time, I'm like, I could've just brought my friend

who would've loved this. Exactly. And have a way better time. Yeah, I'm like, we could do other stuff that you like. Yeah. But then sometimes there are people out there, they don't have a lot of interests. That's true.

They just don't like anything. Yeah. I've dated people, I'm like, what do you like? And they're like, I don't know. Like, how do you live that way? I know, aren't you curious? Like, nothing grabs you, no movie, no music, no food, no geography, no trips, nothing?

Nothing. That's crazy. But you make a good point, like apple picking is like, that's like, that's a corny suggestion. Corny, I mean I'm generalizing and throwing out a cliche, just for argument's sake, but yeah, there's a lot of like Jazz Brunch or doing a pumpkin patch in the park.

I'm like, ah, Hugo. I think I've seen this clip of you before where you, is it like on a podcast? Yes. Yeah, because it's, I've seen this and you're like annoyed and you're like, I get home at a. Yes, that's it, that's it. Dude, I relate to this so much too.

I mean, especially as comics where you're like, you don't wanna get up, I'd have like, my parents would be like, your sister's having a dinner Sunday at... Ah! Yeah, I'm like, cool, I'm landing Sunday at 413. Yeah. You're just like fucking kill me.

I know. And then they're like, oh, you're lazy. And I'm like, no, no, I just got back from the road. I've just worked my ass off. I did five hours of comedy over three nights. Oh dude, I don't know if people understand how tired you get from that shit. I went to see a wrestling match the other day at MSG

and I don't know how these pro wrestlers do it, man, because they're doing what we do while working out and fighting. Yes, it's all physical. I know it's not like real fighting, but they're taking crazy hits. They're flipping over and jumping off the ropes. Yeah, it's a lot of work.

I'm like, I can't operate the next day after eating Chinese. These guys are doing back flips, and then some of them, the lower level ones, are driving to the thing. Oh. They're not even on the charter plane. Brutal.

Some of them are not even flying commercial like they're not making a, I saw a video of The Rock and he was explaining like, you know, I make 150 grand a year, which like it's good money, you know, but I was wrestling 200 days a year. Wow, Jesus. So you're not making even a thousand a night

when your body's taking that kind of punishment. Yeah, do they cover medical? I don't know. Because imagine those checkups. That's gotta add up, plus the pills. I know, that's what I'm thinking. That's how they all get, people are like, they die young from steroids.

I'm like, I bet a lot of it's drugs. Yeah. Like, painkillers, muscle relaxers. Definitely. Especially as some of these guys get older and they're still, like, Rick Flair will still, like, not now, but even a few years ago, you're like, that dude's fucking old.

I know, I know, and he still drinks like a maniac. I know it's kind of impressive. They provide insurance for wrestlers Okay, limited to injuries that occur in the ring. Ah Damn, well, that's fair. I guess where else you gonna get an injury Maybe right bar fight or the gym Maybe if they go too hard some wrestlers have expressed their frustration with the limited nature of WWE's health insurance. Maven, the first winner of WWE Tough Enough, said that he doesn't believe WWE would cover injuries that occur outside the ring.

He also said he finds it crazy that wrestlers don't have a larger health insurance policy to cover the risks and pain they endure. I mean, you do see them doing some crazy shit. Crazy shit, and if I was a doctor, I'd use that. Like, oh, you want healthcare? You're not tough enough? Huh?

You was? Maybe the next CEO shooter will be a pro wrestler. That's true, yeah. It's also weird, it's never like an old person, like I know this is new but like, if you're like an old person, you're like Bacala on that episode. Yeah.

You're oxygen, you're not getting covered, you're spending the last couple weeks of your life being on hold, food, paperwork, not getting covered. That's the person you expect to kill a CEO. Yes, true. One last ride, he's like, I'm dying anyway. Who gives a, I don't even need a silencer. Yeah, hit him with a folding chair.

That's how you know he's a wrestler. Damn. Yeah, I guess, yeah, we got it made. And it's not even the physical labor, like the whole like getting, landing. I would do a thing where I would land at five and my ex-girlfriend would be like, when do you land?

And I would go, 8.30. And she'd be like, okay, well, I'll come over for nine. And I was like, all right, good, I'll land at five. I'll get home by 5.30. I'll have a couple hours to decompress. And it wasn't even that I would, I was like spent from the weekend. It was just like, I need a minute.

I don't wanna just land a plane and just hang out. Yeah. Especially if it's some boring activity. You need a little bit of isolation to come up with jokes too. Yes. And you don't wanna be inconsiderate when you're talking to someone. You wanna give yourself to them,

but you have to also know your limitations. Right. I remember Louie once said to me, great jokes are written in the abyss. You need the loneliness, you need the isolation. So true. And there's a part of me like, oh my God, I'm so happy. I get to bring friends in the road with me now.

Like it's an incredible life. But when I was a young headliner, and you know, you're making not a lot of money, but it's your show, you're just in that part. It is kind of cool that you're just on your own. Yes, that's when the brain can really go nuts and go into weird places. You're in a random coffee shop in Tacoma.

Yep, yep. And you're just thinking jokes. Yes. And when you're with your friends, there's a lot, not small talk, because they're your real friends, but you wanna make sure you're not in too much of a routine. Yes, you're hanging out.

That isolation is, it is good. Think about how hard it is when you, you know, for most people, for most of us, to go out without headphones. Whoo! To go out without just not looking at your phone. Possible. I mean, I got bumped by a guy today, noise canceling headphones,

sunglasses, and on his phone, and it's like, there's so much he's blocking. Yeah, true. And that's a lot of people. That's, yeah, and on his phone, and it's like, there's so much he's blocking. Yeah, true. And that's a lot of people. That's, yeah, I'm guilty of that too. We all are. Yeah, I walk out the door, the headphones go in, and it's kinda sad that I need,

but that's also New York, I wonder. You know, cause New York has a lot coming at ya. But if you're in another city, and you're in your car, you got something playing. That's true. I think it's, you wanted, that thing went viral about the raw dogging on the flight. Oh, yeah, but there's you see someone just doing that It's crazy to be that it's weird that that's impressive now

I know people will go to like, you know a monastery Yeah, or these silent retreats and I'm like that's it does take willpower man. It's so sad. It's true Well, I was walking around my house today and I realized I've been does take willpower, man. It's so sad, it's true. I was walking around my house today and I realized, oh, I've been walking around for like 30 minutes without a pod going. And I'm usually, in my home, I'm like folding laundry with a podcast going, you know?

And it's sad that I used to just, in the 90s, I would just fold laundry. Yeah. Isn't that weird? It is weird, but I also- And you didn't think it was different. Yeah, but also sometimes, look, there's a fine line. Sometimes there's podcasts or educational,

I'll listen to something like a history podcast or something political or. That's true. Or even just comedy, you wanna hear people bullshitting, but yeah, you need entertainment too. I'm just saying, it is weird where we are now, the reliance we have and can't, I don't know. It's great, will you ever break down your day

in high school? Like think about high school. You'd wake up at 6.30 in the morning, whatever it was, you see your mom, you eat breakfast, you pack your books, you get your outfit on, you go to school, no headphone, no nothing, you see your friends, you bullshit with your friends, you go to class, you go to recess, you go to recess,

you play physical activity, then you go to gym, basketball, whatever it is, then you leave, you go to track or whatever the hell sport you play, hanging out, socializing all day, no phone, no screen, then you come home, you watch a little TV, do your homework, and then go to bed. That was your screen time, the TV. That was it, yeah.

You watched like a Spider-Man cartoon, a three. Right, right. And your parents are like, you're getting dumb. You're looking at the screen. You're like, I only did 30 minutes. I know. And you crack a book for 10 minutes. You pretend to work.

You eat dinner. Jack off. You jack off. You go to bed. That was your life. And I could never do that now. Isn't that sad? That was a normal American childhood.

And now I'm like, whoa, I got to have a pod going. I got to do that now. Isn't that sad? That was a normal American childhood. Yeah. And now I'm like, whoa, I gotta have a pod going, I gotta have an iPhone, I gotta have an Instagram. But everything's on this phone now, so you could miss a work thing if you're not. So part of you feels guilty neglecting this device. That's true. And you also use other shit.

Where you have your work is also where you have your guilty pleasure. Right. That's a dangerous combination. Yeah. It's literally like if you ate a meal, every meal you ate was at McDonald's and you could eat other stuff there too,

but there's always a threat of french fries. They're just like right there. Yeah, right, right. Poof. Yeah. How are we gonna do it? How are we gonna get by? We got a lot of life left.

You just gotta force yourself to not like, keep it in the other room every once in a while. There's windows you don't have to look. You go to the gym, you can, you know, you can bring, I went to the gym without my phone recently. It was out of battery and I was like, yeah, fuck it, I'll just. And it was hard.

It's hard, I'm impressed. It was really fucking hard. That is damn good, but I bet your brain went to some places. I bet you decompress some shit. Yeah, sometimes you do. I don't know if I, I think I was you decompressed some shit. Yeah, sometimes you do. I don't know if I, I think I was just like on a treadmill like this fucking sucks. I don't think I had anything that way to.

That's true. Yeah, well, I think like, you know, the wife's pregnant everywhere we go. She's getting free plane upgrades. She's getting free meals. She's getting free desserts. People love a pregnant lady. Here's my seat.

Skip me in line, all this free shit. It's, I think it's because it's the last thing that's still natural that we do. Everything else is like Uber Eats and Netflix streaming. It's all like easy, LASIK surgery. Everything is like built to help you. And this is like the last thing you gotta suffer through for nine months.

It's gonna come out of your clam and ruin it. And it's gonna be painful, but you gotta do it. And I think that's part of why pregnancy is so impressive. That's a good point. The baby's gonna come out though and just go wha! I know. And you're gonna hand it a phone and be like, all right. Go to the tent, it's gonna want the phone.

That's true. No, I think you're right though. It is the last thing that we're really like, wow, that's like old, it is amazing to think what people have been doing forever. Because I would think like, you know, having babies forever, like there was a period where babies often wouldn't make, they wouldn't last that long. Yeah, true.

You know? Like, I think I took her out in the cold the other day when it was like 15 degrees. How the fuck did pugs survive like 200 years ago? I have, I don't know. She's out there for two seconds and she's like, ah! Yeah, well I don't know if there were pugs back then. They were like Chinese emperor dogs, dude. Oh, is that right?

They've been around forever. What? How the fuck, so I think about that all the time, having babies back in the day. Yeah. How many of Lincoln's kids died? That's true. Imagine if you just had a president now

who you're like, yeah, five of his kids are dead. Yeah, you'd be like, oh man, this guy's a horrible father. But yeah, it's true like you think about like some wolf would just steal a kid out of your hand in a forest in the Middle Ages also you know you're not supposed to give babies water really isn't that weird they can't handle water like drowns them internally so you got to give them breast milk or formula this is the thing I had to learn I would have just been like hey come on you fucking idiot you

got to dehydrate, you know? And apparently that kills him. He drowned? Yes! Smart water, dude. Smart, baby, water intoxication. Damn. Intoxication. Yeah, I mean, this is all stuff you gotta learn.

It's crazy. Yeah, so you watch, do you have a lot of books? Books, podcasts, yeah, I gotta open those. But yeah, it's just all kinds of shit. If I grew up in 1808 and I had a baby on a farm, I would be trying to get it to drink water because I would think that would be healthy. Yeah.

So it's wild that we survived anything. Think about that all the time. Crazy. How to keep your baby hydrated. Look at that. There's so much to learn, but then you think about all the retards that have had kids and pulled it off.

I know. And multiple kids, by the way. Yeah, you're like, we can't keep this thing alive. Yeah. I mean, come on. Yeah, so we'll be all right. And yeah, call in if you have any kid advice. And- Yeah, what's the email again? We might be DrunkPod at Gmail. Oh yeah, call in if you have any kid advice. And-

What's the email again? We Might Be Drunk Pod at Gmail. Oh yeah. Why'd you kinda stop doing that? Do you have any kid advice? Send us some kid advice. Drop us a line. Tell us your baby horror story.

And send some rags or peeves. We haven't done that in a while. It's kinda fun to do that. Yeah, send a video in with something you like. Yeah, I like that. And yeah, peeves are good. Send us some peeves. Oh, I gotta peeve, last peeve

and then we'll wrap this thing up. Yeah, yeah. This is one thing my wife does. I'll do the whole, I'll be upstairs and I'm like, hey, can you bring me, you're on your way upstairs? She's like, yeah, I'm coming up. But I go, can you bring me the scissors? She's like, sure.

Four minutes go by, I'm like, what's up with those scissors? And she's like, oh, I'm coming, I'm coming. Eight minutes go by, I'm like, I thought you said you were coming what you ever see these people do the I'm coming and then they don't do anything Yeah, my girlfriend in bed I was waiting for that Yeah, I just the the I'm coming and then they take like 20 more minutes it drives me crazy Just say I can't do it. Yeah, they can I I do it in 10 I hate the the false start yeah I'm it you didn't come no no be right there damn no you're not it's right

you're not right there I mean it's a huge peeve yeah drives me kids do that a lot coming don't worry mom I'm coming and then they don't show up yeah yeah that's a peeve that's a peeve for you. It's a good peeve. Very relatable. You say you can't do it. Yeah, 10 minutes, be there in 10. Yeah. All right.

All right, well I feel this is a good, when is this one coming out? We have no idea. Oh yeah. What do you wanna do? Well, we did talk about, what do you do for New Year's by the way? I'm doing nothing.

Oh, that's nice. How about you? I think I the way? I'm doing nothing. Oh, that's nice. How about you? I think I'm gonna do a dinner. Oh, okay, that's good. Yeah. Yeah, I was at the cellar the other night and Esty's like, you have to come for New Year's. I was like, I really just don't, I hate work in New Year's.

Hate work in New Year's. We've graduated, I think. Yeah, that's, I think, like, a thing, that was one of the first things to go. When you're a young comic, you're like, oh, it's it's extra money It's good to be like I had nothing planned. I don't Shout it to any comic who's doing yes two years in a green room because I've done many and it's not that bad No, it's not bad. I love working, but like the crowds crowds are tough. You got to get drunk. That's the only only move You're just not there. They're there for you, but they're kinda not. Yes. They needed a thing to do. Exactly.

It's like a weekend times 10. Right. That crowd that, I just, yeah. I remember doing the three show nights on New Year's. Oh, I did that. It killed me. Did that at Chicago Zanies, did it at Grand Rapids. Yeah, I did one in Spokane once, that was rough.

Ooh. I remember there was just a table of a ton of people, and I was like, man, you guys fucking hate me and this guy's like, I'm sorry, I'm a fan. I'm like, oh, and you let them all down with your. Oh, yeah. He talked seven of his friends into going and they were like, this is not.

Oh, that's the worst. And that's a lot of the things you get on New Year's. Yeah. You need the thing to do. I know, it's a horrible idea. I mean, look, go to shows, do whatever you wanna do, but if you're an audience member and you go to a comic book for New Year's you have to sit and listen I know so it's not a great idea if you want to party a big drink at night because it is like a lot of people

Think it's like it's my last hurrah. Yes. I'll be good the next day, right? It is funny how many of us just start the new year though feeling like death. That's true I love not having a couple drinks on New Year's and I'll make a couple cocktails or something. You ever done dry January? Man, no. I don't know if I can do it. No.

Physically can't do it and that's it. I've been drinking, people give me shit the cellar the other night because I'm just used to having a drink there so I'll ask the waitress, I'm like, what's like a good healthy and we're like, if you do this, I'll be like, all right, I'll get this like, you know, chicken on a salad and then I go and a Negroni and people

Just laugh. I'm doing this so I can have the drink. Yeah, exactly I don't feel as guilty and also I get the joke but one is fat and one is not fat like the drink is Booze one the food is fattening. Yeah, so they are a little different but I get I get the joke. Yeah Alright folks. Well, happy new year I guess. I guess. Alright, we'll do this weekend. And we got a bunch of dates coming up on the road so what day does this come out? Oh baby. Alright I'm in Phoenix and then Dallas, it's all sold out but I'm worried because the baby, they always say it could come early. So the sold out, but I'm worried because the baby, they always say it could come early. So the baby's like, I'm coming.

Hopefully it's like the scissors. Yeah. Then I'm in the Ryman and then Asheville, North Carolina. I'm making up a date. So there you go. Yeah, nice. I'll be at Liberty Township, Ohio, warming up at some clubs. The, I don't know what date it is. What is it? Yeah, the 9th through the 11th.

Then I got Pittsburgh. Oh no, maybe it's the 10th and the 11th. Pittsburgh, the 23rd through 25th. The Improv, my last couple club dates. And then it's, you know, a couple clubs on the run, but it's mostly theaters doing Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, DC, Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, NOLA, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham, it goes on and on, New Haven, Portsmouth. You'll go to my website, Toronto, Montreal,

so many places I'm coming to. Yeah, you're scrolling like a motherfucker, you guys see, every place. I'm basically coming to every city, and if it's not there, it'll be there in the late summer or fall. Nice. And yeah, punchup.live slash Samorail,

punchup.live slash Mark Normand for tickets, or just go to our websites, but the punchup thing's cool. Is this the full set? I think it is. Oh, cool, all right. I think I just sold it in yours too. Yeah, I just said whatever you sent me,

I sent it right to Danny. Yeah, it's just a fun little behind the scenes look at our roast, some jokes that got cut, and yeah, we were figuring it out. It's kind of fun to see. Yeah, yeah. A behind the scenes look. Maybe we should do a mashup of all the progress.

We can get all the clips like that's a lure this Throw it on we might be drunk. Yeah, be fun. Hell. Yeah please I Started a sketch comedy group what we're filming and writing and producing sketches on YouTube get out of your lobsters comedy What is it? No lobsters? No lobsters all right not fancy, but fun. Oh is it? No Lobsters. No Lobsters. Not fancy but fun. Oh okay. Check it out. It's funny stuff. I had no idea you were in the sketch. I'm not an actor but I like writing and directing. Wow. How about that? We should have had Ben Schwartzway in man. Yes! No wonder you were pushing for him. They loved him right? The people loved them. Yeah, yeah. Cool guy. Cool dude, nice guy, good chatting.

Well, yeah, Lake George, that's a fun one. And love you guys, buy Bodega Cat. We're making a lot of progress here, bodegacatwish.com. And keep listening to the pod. Some great guests coming up. Yeah. And we love you guys.

Have a great and happy and healthy new year and we'll see you soon. Yeah, I'm doing dry January, just cocaine. There you go, all right, thanks guys. Sunday's the day for my next offender. A bit of Piva rec, you know the future's close. I've had a little too much bourbon and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope

and I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true