We Might Be Drunk - Ep 3: Whiskey Eggnog & Manhattan

Episode Date: January 12, 2021

Mark and Sam talk over one more drink.

yo yay happy holidays merry christmas kwanzaa and hanukkah cheers what are you drinking i know it's a little late it's a i'm a day late here but uh well you go first what is that i got a maker's manhattan classic I like it. That's whiskey, vermouth, cherry. Uh-huh. What am I missing? Threw some bitters in there. Bitters. I like, and I got the big cube.

I also, I love the maraschino cherry, man. You can't, you're having a good time when there's a cherry involved. You can call me a pussy all you want, but it's a good time ingredient. It's a good time. I mean, it's the cherry on top literally you got it like a chocolate sundae or anything the the cherry coke you name it cherry helps cherry pop a cherry that must have been like when it came on the pop all that when cherry coke came on the scene that must have been just hysteria that must have been like the beetles of drinks because yeah coke is already like a game

changer right right when you had the first coke i mean because cocaine sure but i mean it's america's drink it's a it was huge yeah dude i love it manhattan is like a winter drink to me it's like it just puts me in a good place yeah i'm having a lot of manhattan's it's like a holiday drink too because you're like it's it's it's bourbon but it's kind of got that sweetness i love it it's perfect because it's subtle but it still has a great flavor it's it's it's a perfect man's drink you know you're still having a cocktail but it's not some frilly bullshit with a umbrella in it you know exactly you know what it's like i feel like everyone went old-fashioned because of mad men everyone's like don draper drinks an old-fashioned like first off don draper will drink fucking anything all right he's a he's a man he'll drink he'll drink a martini if it's a lunch meeting

he'll do a bloody mary he doesn't give a shit he drinks old fashions but i don't like this i like the sweet vermouth i don't like the straight sugar i like to lie to myself how much sugar i'm having yes good point good point also birthplace of you which is kind of fun it is fun like i got the hurricane which is the shittiest drink of all time and it's a tragedy it's like a it's a what do you call it like a natural disaster it ruined my city and that's our drink and we have a sazerac but that's that's tastes like dog shit you wouldn't drink these as often if they were called a 9-11. There it is. There it is.

Hand grenade. You got hand grenades also, which are fucking disgusting. Yeah, it's just sugary tourist hogwash. Yeah. So, all right. What the hell is a Shirley Temple, by the way? We're talking Coke. We're talking cherry.

What is Shirley Temple? It's Sprite. It's, I think, grenadine. Ah, okay, okay. It's weird. It's kind of like a kid's first taste. It's like a gateway to cocktails. Yes, exactly.

Because Sprite isn't enough. He was like, I need an extra kick. All right, yeah. And then you put the cherry on it. That's like the dressing. You're right. it's a cocktail starter yeah all right yeah what do you got i'm going all i'm gonna make it in front of you this is a special special edition so first off shout out to the mom for uh what do you call that that was my gift was the ice cube maker. Oh, my God. What a cool mom. Oh, my God. That looks great.

All right. Then I'm joining you. Oh, I'm doing. Yeah. Maker's Mark. I got to shout out Trey Wingo, my man who sent it to me. Send me the bottle. Great guy.

All right, Wingo. Look out for his new podcast that just came out. I'm going to do a little two fingers there, much like Aziz. And then in the mouth mouth and then we're going this is where it gets real sad oh no it's not sad at all i love it i love the festive vibe you're bringing here man one of my favorite drinks i i always say eggnog is like mariah carey i'm a fan but after christmas over, I don't need it for a year. There we go.

Oh, shit. I should have joined you. Oh, that looks delicious. Stir it up with a big pan. You can do rum, too, right? Yeah. Okay. You can do rum, but come on. We're heterosexuals here.

Yeah, what are we, pirates? Yeah. Exactly. Rum is a bit much right yeah yeah uh rum it's not as good and it's it's the weaker it's not a drinker's choice i think a real drinker likes a little bourbon well the bourbon cuts the sweetness of the eggnog a little bit i like that that's good i might have to go ahead and get some after this that looks good man i mean if you need i can shoot some over i had a gallon over the christmas holiday and now i got

this i just got this for the show and it's it's too much i wonder if they're doing like i bet they're doing like oat milk eggnog now i bet they're doing i bet like they have a healthy no doubt about it soy uh silk eggnog what the hell's a nog by the way i don't know it sounds dirty a nog nog yeah you got nogged in the alley what uh what do you have like a holiday movie of choice are there any ones you watch every year or do you mix it up or what do you do well i mean this is one this is a wonderful life it's a wonderful life is always a classic it's it's so, though. It's so long, black and white. Never saw it.

What? I know. It was never on the list as a kid. I know it's a classic. I know I should have seen it. It's worth it just to sit down and watch it because it's two hours and 15 minutes, but it's heavy. It covers philosophical thoughts and growing up and life

and all that shit so it's worth it yeah but it's it's i've seen it 600 times i know list has always seen it in uh every time in the movie theater every december and i'm just like oh every year a yearly trip to the movie theater feels like a lot but i get it it's like a comfort in the right but i don't i don't know i don't know i don't really have one uh you know love actually is a classic it's like a comfort in the right but i don't i don't know i don't know i don't really have one uh you know love actually is a classic it's a christmas uh then they give them there's a die hard debate which is so silly no guy has ever been like let's watch love actually i'm telling you it holds up i mean if you if you got a romantic bone in you it's it's something i do and i don't like it i you know it's interesting i i

saw a girl once and she was like she we watched played against sam the woody allen movie and she was like this is awful and then she i was like all right you put on a movie and she made me watch love actually and i was like oh you hated played against sam so i was like immediately like fuck this movie uh that movie's got one of my a few of my favorite lines in it uh played against sam well his wife is divorcing him and she goes you're just not as romantic as you were when we first met and he goes you want me to keep up the same level of charm as i did during courtship you want me to have a heart attack ah wow that's great great line that says so much that's like half my act right there so and then he has another line where he's trying to pick up a woman in a museum.

And she's just the most nihilistic, dark woman ever. And he's so turned on by her. And he says, what does this painting mean to you? And she goes, that everything is filled with nothingness. And life is bleak and terrible. And every moment we're suffering. And he goes, what are you doing Saturday night? And she goes, committing suicide. And he goes, what are you doing Saturday night? And she goes, committing suicide.

And he goes, what are you doing Friday night? That's great. Classic jokes in that movie. It's a great movie. Man, I love that. I love when a joke is so good. That's a 54 year old joke or whatever and it still kills. So good.

So good. Love Actually, maybe I'll give it a shot. I came in so, I like Bad Santa a lot. That's one holiday good. Love Actually, maybe I'll give it a shot. I came in so, I like Bad Santa a lot. That's one holiday movie. I was going to say Bad Santa. Love Actually is fine, but if we're talking comedy,

I think Christmas Vacation is the number one of all time. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen that one forever, but yeah, as a kid, I definitely, I loved Randy Quaid. Oh, dude, so good.

The uncle with the toupee, the squirrel, Elaine is in it from Seinfeld. I mean, it's a joke a minute. And they're sentimental moments, but they all end with a punch. They don't leave any scene too sappy. Yeah, I like Bad Santa because it goes right to the verge of not at all redeemable. And then somehow it's redeemable.

It's like, it's just kind of perfect. I heard that Larry David and Jack Nicholson were up for that part too and i think they both turned it down i think billy bob now i mean larry david would be too smarmy billy bob has that sadness to him he's got that he looks decrepit and creepy and and down and out yeah he kind of he makes it more dramatic larry david it would have been it would have been hilarious but it would have been like i don't know if it would have had the same dramatic weight. Yes, yes. He'd be more tongue in cheek.

And then Nicholson is too much where you're like, all right, buddy, you actually, I think you're going to fuck this kid and kill it and bury it. That fat kid, I don't know what he's doing now. Oh, he's just perfect, though. Perfect. He's so good in it, man. Child actors, man. That is the worst fate of any human being i mean like you see those kids could be very happy well i i'm just he wasn't huge like i'm talking like

ricky schroeder and the kid from webster like you know those kids in africa with the machine guns when they're like seven those kids turn out better than child actor. Every one of them's tapped. They're all wrecked. They're ruined. They're in rehab. They look at Corey Haim, they're like, you poor bastard. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He got out easy.

He died. Feldman's a mess. All of them are ruined. It's a tough gig, man. Yeah, it's tough because you know guys who peak young, who are star football players at their high school that that's got nothing on being a star a movie star as a child occasionally you see one like i think chunk from the goonies is an entertainment lawyer and you're like all right you lucked out there that's because you're kind of in that world but you're like yes And you're still respected and making money.

See Jewish guy, Jewish. The family kept him in line. I'm sure of it. He became a lawyer. Still, he stayed in show business, but like Macaulay Culkin's weird now. What's that? What's that guy's name? Macaulay Culkin was too big, though.

That's like, like, can you, can you imagine the shit that kid's seen? I mean, he defended Michael jackson but he must know something that's like oh yeah that's like being on epstein's jet and not seeing anything like for sure but you're like this is something's off right right yeah yeah he he looks different like his face is twisted that's the face of i'm holding in a pedophile secret for decades what about michael j fox he was a child actor he got off easy but he's still he's literally trembling from it fuck he was the best dude i loved michael j fox so spin city so fucking underrated such a great charlie sheen that's like the rare show where someone comes

in and does a great i thought charlie sheen is hilarious on that show oh i stopped watching after michael j he's great i charlie sheen is kind of like show. Oh, I stopped watching after Michael J. He's great. Charlie Sheen is kind of like, I think he gets no love as a comic actor, but he plays it so straight. Yes. He's like a totally dry, straight man. I know it's not popular to say, but I think he's like, you know. What? People love Charlie Sheen.

They do, but they also, I think purist like comedy people are like fuck that guy he's you know what i mean oh no i think he's great i mean i love him and ferris bueller he had like a seven minute part and he stole the whole movie that thing was incredible yeah you're right hot shots he's so hot shots oh man one of the great spoofs that no one brings up i know he's one of the highest paid tv actors ever i know i know like obviously the consensus in the world is that people like him but i'm just saying like i think like comedy people are like oh that should have been that should have been like a comic actor but like no that guy he's so dry and straight that's that you need a guy like that that's like the leslie nielsen thing right and like like leslie

nielsen i think he studied under like lawrence olivier or some shit like he's like he was like trying to be anthony hopkins and then he like got a police squad and they're like this is fucking good there's a little youtube has such amazing videos as a documentary on leslie nielsen and his you're right his early stuff he was just trying to be shakespeare and play it straight he got some uh spaceship movie that went nowhere and he was like the captain and nobody saw it but he just you know tinkered along for decades and then he got this and he was like ah fuck it i'll take it what else am i doing and he killed it naked gun is like it's just if you watch like police squad you're like these one-liners are just fucking gold oh like like a midget at a urinal i'm gonna have to be on my toes and there's a million of

them that was a nordberg oh dude yeah he and dude i mean oj simpson it's like so much so you you relive you're like holy shit what a different time oj was a great comedic supporting actor in this shit i know i know unreal and that movie was good yeah Joe Liz always brings up the scene where there's like three riffraffs like at the baseball game and they're in the queen's box and they go what the hell get out of here and like oh sorry and they're just like three guys sitting in them queen sections with their feet up smoking so fucking good dude oh it's so good that's like how about just all the dancing with the steve reich fucking gold oh so funny i was actually just listening to uh there's this podcast now speaking of i listened to some of the malcolm

gladwell on your recommendation loved it i listened to the one on uh howard hughes and the guy who wrote the uh fake autobiography or the fake biography on Howard Hughes. And he got busted. I had no idea this story existed, but it's completely insane. Like, wait, wait, wait. Somebody wrote a fake biography as a book and sold it. And it did well. Sold it. No, it didn't. It never got released because Howard Hughes was a recluse. I, he was a recluse late in life. And this guy just gambled. He's like, look, I'm going to write all these fake flattering stories. Like that. like he wrote this chapter that he told him like it was a fake interview. He and his buddy just went to like, Ies tonight and he they were just wow tell these stories he's like yeah and then i hung out with hemingway and

hemingway was like hughes you're the man you know so they're just making up these stories and howard hughes is a recluse so they're like banking on the fact that he won't come out of hiding and they can get away with this and and he's described him on all these shows yeah he's just like he's like yeah i met him and and he's so such a good liar that he they were just like, he's like, yeah, I met him. And he's such a good liar that they were like, so what's Howard Hughes like? What does he look like? Because there were stories that his fingernails, he never cut his fingernails.

I had to hear he had long hair. And he said, he's an older man, but with the dignity of a man who is very good looking. Like he just knew how to answer everything. Wow. That's a real like uh what do you call it what's the word for liar uh when they lie a lot pathological yeah yeah that's impressive that he went that deep with it oh they went so deep and some of the stories i mean i i was blown

away it was the first one i listened to and i couldn't believe it i so so fascinating that someone could get this far with it i haven't i haven't heard this one yet i gotta listen to that it's one of the more recent ones okay i loved it but you made me think about there's another podcast i've been i've been listening to podcasts i have a different recommendation but i was listening there's this referee i'm sure you heard about this guy in the nba it's called whistleblower tim donaghy was this referee who was like all right so he would the nba fans hate this guy because like he fixed games in the early 2000s and uh you know he's a scumbag he would just fix

games like but they lie like you could fix games you could manipulate games that's the difference right like you manipulate them those are calls you're like well i probably should have made this call but i could have not but i can i can coach I can ref a game where I like slightly manipulate a game but I'm not really fixing it and this is kind of like there's nothing questionable here because NBA is the only game really I guess football you could argue too uh but the ref the ref is the biggest role in basketball because because you can call fouls. I mean, right. You can challenge in the NFL. You can't, you can challenge now in the NBA, but this was before you could challenge, you know? So, and even then it's like not as big a part of the NBA as it is the NFL.

So this guy, so the mob was involved with this shit, right? There's people and it's crazy. The story's crazy. And I'll give this to the podcast out of the gate. Michael Imperioli starts doing voiceover and i'm like all right i'm the target demo for this like sopranos sopranos and basketball it's great but uh yeah dude it's completely insane wow i mean you always wondered like you know you always hear players say that they get all riled up you're like he's he's uh he's biased he's all for the other team or whatever it is and it's true i mean it was true and also i mean there's a famous game uh it was the kings versus the lakers and it was the the kings like swear they should have won this

game and the lakers got like 40 free throws so they just called everything a foul and i don't think he was i don't think he was refereeing that game i can't remember now i listened to it a couple weeks ago but it was either him or some other guy that also had a questionable there's like you go through it and there's like they said there's one by the way they said there's one ref in the nba who doesn't cheat on their wife it made me think of the sopranos where they like all make fun of they all make fun of bacala because he didn't fuck around right but it's like hilarious can you imagine listening to that and you're like one of the wives of an NBA player and you're like well it's not my husband he's right right that's kind of a genius thing because you give that one out you know everybody's just like oh it's me it's me

it must be me I'm good completely crazy and uh yeah I mean all these guys were kind of most at least most most of them were on the take and that was Tim Donahue's whole thing. It was like, I'm not the only one, but he's taking all the heat. I mean, he's out of the game, you know? He's long, I mean, obviously he's out. Is that jail time, you think? Because I mean, that is like tons of money. I think he did some time,

and listen, it was a few weeks ago. I think he did some time in jail, yeah. Wow, that's wild. And the mob involved is so fucking wild. That's so old school. Any sports betting, you gotta imagine the mob's got some stake in that shit. Because the house always wins, right? Yeah.

Damn. George Carlin always ended a lot of bits with like, and then we'll get the mob to bet on it. That was like a big, big punchline of his. You know, he'd be like, here's what we'll do. We'll electrocute their sack and then see who dies first we'll get the mob in on it you know then the heads will roll the little holes and you bet on who's gold you know all that shit and uh i was just listening to some george today and he had a

mob bit like that it was so funny that's funny i tell you some a bit about how the mob should do the news because they already know what's going to happen like a bunch of people were found dead tomorrow and then that would kill and then you go the winning lottery numbers are and that was like an applause break that was like a clean attell that was like a late night joke that's beautiful i mean attell was he was pretty clean back in the day i think because you kind of had to be a little bit and he's got a montreal set it's he's got a hair it's so i remember this it's got to be late 90s or mid 90s and he's killing and that joke is in there and it's such brilliant stuff because i mean he's brilliant now but it's it's a lot of this a lot of

that a lot of like vibrator butt plug or whatever which is all great midget this midget that but he had to be clean and it's still brilliant and still a telly it's so so interesting. Yeah, because like, you're right. You had to be kind of cleaner back then. I remember like Mackie and I, Joe Mackie, and I took this class at the comic strip when we started. And this guy, D.F. Sweetler, who taught the class, he's a great guy. And he would just always tell me, he'd be like,

you got to write clean before you can write dirty. And I was like, man, what great advice. Great. He's right. I mean, he's like, he said, because he said to me, he'd use a telly and guys like that as an example an example he's like your favorite dirty comics can write clean exactly i thought it's such a great that's such a great note it's a great note also it's a it's real comedy i mean i hate to say that dirty is obviously real comedy but if you can write a clean joke

that's like okay you've written a joke because a dirty punch line will get a laugh usually so if you can write a clean punch line then you're like all right you really wrote a real joke for sure you didn't just you know say butt fuck at the end or whatever which is funny obviously we all have jokes where we're like man that hit 10 times harder because we said fucking or fuck and then you're like how strong is that joke of course i used to have a fucking whatever and i said freaking on tv and i remember i showed up and all my a bunch of comments were like hey what's up nice freaking day and i was like it did not hit as hard yeah it didn't hit as hard but it was so it really stood out that freaking because i never say freaking uh i'm like kind of like, eh, if the joke's good,

it works either way. But sometimes that, sometimes you need to fuck. I mean, I'm not like super judgmental about that. I think sometimes you need to fuck. I agree. Well, if you, if you save them, you know, like some people just fuck every fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. But if you save them, they can be utilized perfectly. Like you had a bit, oh shit shit it was in your comedy central hour where you said fuck was the punch line like what the fuck and it kills now i can't think of it

damn i don't know but it was the only fuck in there so that's why it works cosby has that you earn it you earn it cosby's got that bit where he goes, yeah, what if he's an asshole? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cocaine intensifies your personality. He goes, yeah, oh, yeah, what if you're an asshole? Yeah, cocaine. Yeah, exactly. And it's just like it's like a four minute. It feels like a four minute applause. They're going nuts because he never uses them. That was a long joke to reveal the punchline that Cosby is a coke head. That was a long joke to reveal the punchline that Cosby is a coke head. Yeah. Cosby likes drugs.

Yeah. It's so funny that Cosby is like the one who's like self-righteous and like, you know, the one who's like pull you. I mean, that's hilarious that Hannibal just destroyed Bill Cosby. I know. And it also proves like a lot of women were like, nobody believes women. Nobody listens to women. You're like, all right, shut up sister, whatever, keep cooking and then a man says it it pops i remember mike d stefano rest in peace mike d who is so funny uh i remember i worked the door at broadway and he went on stage one night and said something about cosby goes oh yeah you all fucking like him but uh you know he's a piece of shit and he goes i yeah and

i was like what i didn't i googled it that night or you know and i remember being like i had no idea it took a guy that's how when you're that powerful that shit is buried yes yes lawyers and whatever it whatever the chunk from the goonies was burying that shit you know it's true though. Like it's all. The honorable, the honorable judge, fucking Joe Pantoliano from Goonies and his mother. And then, Hey, you guys. Chunk chunk. You're a bundle. Stop calling me that anyway.

Yeah. Yeah, no, it's true. All right. Fine. S fine uh sustained do the truffle shuffle and maybe so um that's interesting yeah he uh cosby man do you have a do you have a wreck for this week well it's a little basic as the kids say but i i don't know if you've seen it yet but everybody's talking about it and the hype is real i know you're gonna say already you already know can i guess yeah is it soul oh i cried i had a tear in my eye i have so many layers so many levels you know brilliant brilliant writing had a great message did you see it

no no i'm gonna see it i'm gonna watch it with salicus i mean it is heavy duty like the fact this is a kid's movie is a gift to children this is like i mean i'm building it up but this is it no no i've not heard anything i mean what i love about this is I see like literally people on my timeline on social media who could not be more different. Yes. And they're all saying how great it is. So I'm excited to see it. I had the same thing. I had some like super woke activist-y guy say how great it was.

I was like, oh, here we go. And then Luis Gomez. I was like, oh, shit. I got to watch it. You got both. Lewis is a tough guy, so you get the tough guy badge too. Yeah, because it's like a black-centric jazz cartoon. So it almost feels like, oh, is this some kind of like,

you know, black BLM thing, like black voices? And then you're like, no, this is a great movie. Right, so it transcends. Oh, yeah. But I feel like a lot of those pixar movies kind of transcend you know yeah they reach kids and adults they're so well done pixar is on another level i mean it's so they're so good and it's hard to get good movies made now i feel like like independent interesting profound thought-provoking movies now like pulp fiction i don't know if it

could be made today or my big fat Greek wedding or whatever the fuck. Tarantino pitching Pulp Fiction now. He's in the room. So then a guy standing there, he's getting sodomized. They're like, please leave our office. But he's black. Okay, wait, you haven't gotten to the scene where a black guy gets shot in my garage and I drop the N-word 14 times. Just listen.

Let me finish. Yeah. But John Travolta shoots a guy in the face but but yeah it's uh Tarantino's a fucking genius I mean he's a genius meanwhile so yeah it all works out but yeah but then again like with the you need that track record and even now I heard I heard that Tim Burden pitched something everywhere and struck out he got shut out completely I mean you know so it doesn't matter your track record sometimes no what's the guy uh coppola francis ford coppola he pitched something and they're like

we'll buy a movie from you if it's a mob movie and he was like jesus christ god it's so fucking and it's like i love scorsese i don't need to see i didn't need the Irishman. I was more excited. Like honestly nowadays. And I'm not look Irishman. I'm glad I saw it. It was fun. I didn't need, I'm just saying I didn't need it. Imagine. I remember showing my girlfriend the fucking, uh, I showed her that first. She had never seen casino or good fellas. So she's like, this is just a way better version. Like, yeah, that's what it is. And then 10 minutes in the casino, she's like, I'm good. I get it yeah that's what it is and then 10 minutes in the casino she's like i'm good i get it i'm like all right turn it off like imagine watching them in that order it's just fucking weird so right i want to see different shit i love

so you see shutter island you're like well this is different than his other shit that's why i kind of like seeing it you know right the departed i know it's another like gangster movie but at least it's like a different type of gangster movie yeah it's it's Irish, it's Boston, it's police, it's not mob. But yeah, you're right. And it's a different like, and even just having Nicholson instead of De Niro. Yeah. It's got a different, like I love De Niro,

but it's like, all right, at least it's like a different vibe. True, yeah. Was that like Baldwin, Matt Damon? Yeah, yeah. Every time Baldwin and Mark Wahlberg speak in that movie, it's like, I mean, who are you? I'm the guy who does his job you must be the other guy fucking great lines man yeah yeah your two-faced irish lace curtain fuck but yeah i like how every cop in that movie just knows james joyce i'm like oh you guys just all read joyce that's all oh yeah so good but yeah you showed

her the irishman that's like starting with anal and then being like look i can eat you out and she's like no i've already seen it how about a kiss i got it you can't start with that shit yeah but yeah i'm yeah we appreciate i'm with you and it's uh yeah no no no that's uh it's a tough pitch now if you're if you haven't proven it a million and then even if you have proven it people people are like, well, they would, they just want what's the guaranteed box office success. But like so many of my Scorsese picks are not the, I love after hours so much. I love the King of, I mean,

look how inspired Joker is by King of comedy. Like you can retell something without retelling it exactly. That's, that's kind of the point I'm making. And it's almost like feels like they're making people retell the exact thing and it's like well that's just the same thing we just change it just a fucking little man i know that's why i hate these fucking execs these execs drive me crazy because obviously they're trying to keep their jobs they're trying to make money and it feels like they're scared they're scared studios and the networks it's all morphing right now we're in like a transitional period and they know it and they just want to make obvious and i know and then they

then they're such hypocrites because they act like oh we need diversity and you're like all right i'm all for diversity but i'm looking at the boardroom and it's 17 white guys and one asian lady like where's the diversity here exactly you guys get diverse and then yell at me. What the fuck? I know. We need diversity. It's like, all right, white guy named George. All right. Very diverse. Yeah.

Thanks, Ted. I got it. Now you're going to get back in your Ferrari and go to your gated community that's all white. And it's like, look, I'm all for diversity, but what do you want from me? I have a Hispanic and an Asian maid. Okay. Why don't you back off?

No, it's so obvious. But yeah, I mean, the problem is they only see, the truth of it is they see dollar signs and they're like, how can we make money right now? And then sometimes the shit you don't expect is the one that's going to pop. Like I was reading that Jordan Peele wrote Get Out as like a fucking gas.

He's like, this makes me laugh. I'm going to write it. He didn't write it thinking he was going to sell it. So sometimes you sell it. I think maybe that was because it was like five or six years ago. Or maybe that's because like, I mean, think about that. Like a horror movie that's racial. Like that's a fucking hard sell, I think.

Oh, for sure. Yeah, definitely. But I think the country was it wanted it so bad it was that was a huge hit it's such that's one of the best movies the last 20 years i think yeah that was timing too that was all timing yeah that was perfect well they also changed the ending they changed the ending because it was going to be darker originally and people wanted a more uplifting ending and by uplifting i mean his uh white girlfriend uh stabbed to death in the street or whatever where where do you go with what's the darker one right the darker one is

that as he's killing her the cops show up and arrest him and and rel and rel shows up and in prison and is like what the fuck happened like so it's so the darker ending is like everyone dies and he goes to prison right which like yeah like i'm glad that's not the fucking ending is like Everyone dies and he goes to prison Right Which like yeah I'm glad that's not the fucking ending I wouldn't want to rewatch it as much Like you are looking forward to him Killing all those motherfuckers That's a good point yeah That's a good way to end it

Because at least there's some relief at the end But you bring up the Police and the black And I thought I had a good point here. People keep doing like the Santa Claus is black, and I thought he can't be black because he would have been killed by now. I mean, he's in a house. A cop would have shot him.

It wouldn't work. He'd at least be arrested. Wait, did this get met with resistance by someone? But I'm saying I'm with Jordan Peele here. This could be a great Jordan Peele Christmas movie. Oh, yeah. Black Santa wouldn't work because the first house he would get popped. That was my big tweet.

It's another gig that Tim Allen loses. Yeah, exactly. And he'd be late. All right. But no, I tweeted and like all these black guys like hell yeah that's too true funny but too true it was it was a nice moment but that yeah yeah that's funny that's a good angle uh yeah that's there's something there for sure that is something about i'll give you my rec too as well i'll give you this guy uh paul nepper wrote

an amazing book i want to shout him out on our thing it's called the nicks and uh of the 90s it's incredible so good i wrecked it to biggest nick fan i know is uh jerry ferrara yeah so i had him send one to him too he fucking he tweeted he was like this is one of the best things i've ever read too it's you can't get bigger praise from nicks fans than me and him because we're the most fucking diehard there's this one story that they do these 90s Knicks were like so Anthony Mason was like one of the enforcers on the team and he would always say like we're either gonna win the fight or we're gonna win the game like we're gonna win one they were so tough yeah Pat Riley was like our cool ass coach like slicked hair Armani like decked out well dressed and uh he was intense like he was he was like you better

fucking fight you better give it all and they never won but they were just the coolest fucking this close team they went through jordan you can't jordan's gonna make it hell so after a game like he was all about trusting teammates and this one story i just loved is like he they got blown out he was so angry and he's in the locker room and he takes his head and just in his nice ass suit just dunks his head under ice water in this ice bucket and he won't take it out and they're like is he killing himself what the fuck is he doing finally someone just grabs him and pulls him out eyes bulging snot like everywhere and he goes that's what the fuck trust is i was gonna wait till one of you helped me.

And I was just like, holy shit. Whoa. How great is that? Stories like that. So Knicks of the 90s, it's on Amazon. It's worth the read. If you love not just basketball, but just great stories. It took me back to being a child and loving this team more than anything. Wow.

Where's that 30 for 30 they they have a couple they did one reggie miller versus the knicks but it's fucking it's a bummer because spike lee is funny as hell on it but it's like it's a bummer because we just would we it ends on the knicks losing so that bums me out and then uh michael rapaport directed the god when the garden was even with eden uh when the garden was eden sorry oh great yeah it's uh it's a based on a book by harvey eriton who's a new york times writer who's fucking great so the book is the book is a little better than the movie uh but the movie is it's solid it's just the movie is you can't recreate some of the shit that's in the book

it's like so right i mean having a mixed race team in the sixties, seventies in New York is fucking symbolic when they're the most, you know, chemistry wise, the best team. So that's kind of like, that's kind of heavy. So it's hard to capture that shit. And, and also Dave, the Bush's dad. So you're missing like one of the big guys, but anyway, that's my rec. I loved it. That's great. So wait a minute wait i mean forgive me here because i'm from new orleans we have the saints and they're notoriously bad but then they

won the super bowl and that was an amazing game 2010 and that was and that was after katrina so the city exactly the city rallied behind you know drew breeze and all those cool players you had i mean that was a cool team man yeah we needed that. But my question is, were the Knicks ever... Because all I hear about is the Knicks is like a punchline. I saw the clip from the movie Soul. I saw that going on. I hate they shit on them. But when were they good?

When were they bad? Have they ever been great? What's the word there? They won in 69-70. And they won again in 72-73. And they haven't won since then. Those are the two times they won in 69 70 and they won again in 72 73 and they haven't won since then those are the two times they won uh the the play-by-play guy for the knicks the commentator walt frazier was on the team uh when they won he was the star he was awesome he's fucking hilarious he's still the best but uh yeah yeah i mean it's been a while the 90s they were very competitive they always came like very

close they lost in the finals twice, so they were close. But, yeah, dude, my first memory of basketball was losing to Houston, and I was just like, oh, clearly we'll win if we're this close. We lost by one game. So it was like, set me up. I was spoiled with this team of characters and cool guys, and they never figured it out, so it brutal but uh yeah you know it sucks as new york is like the city you know it's it's it's the jewel of america whatever biggest city in the world new york new york minute never sleeps and

then la kind of sucks is they they're not they're no new york let's be honest they got their moments they got the beach and the Sunset Boulevard and Hollywood. They won so much. They won so many. Yeah, it's tough. Like, Boston is the most, but Boston won, like, a shitload of them in the 50s and 60s. So it feels like L.A. has the most because they, like, throughout time, they had Chamberlain and Jerry West. I mean, you're not a hoops guy, but you know these names.

Yeah. Just from fucking, you know who Wilt Chamberlain is. Right. He's also the only guy to drop 100 in a game wow still then they had jack and kobe well and in between that was magic johnson and kareem abdul-jabbar so like and then now it's lebron and anthony davis so like they've never really had a long stretch of sucking so right yeah yeah it's tough i mean and uh new New York is like every other block, there's a fucking court.

Like, it's such a- I know. It's in our DNA here. So, yeah, it's tough. But also, like, I'm okay with losing as long as you lose with character. Sure. It's just we've been horrible for so long now.

But, like, if you lose, like, in the 90s Knicks lose, it hurts. But you're like, oh, at least we're fucking cool. least i'll like rep this this team you know yeah but then you got brooklyn right over the over the water there and they're doing great they're gonna be in the finals i think they're so good is that weird is that bittersweet it's heartbreaking yeah because you're like you're right here it's just a different borough but it's still new york but you're good and we're not what the fuck well durant kevin durant and kairi irving are two of the best in the league and they chose the nets over us the rumor was that they wanted to come to the knicks but like one thing that it's like they just said the knicks aren't cool that's what durant said and then what yeah it

hurt man and then also the knicks make all these dumb mistakes like our practice facilities in westchester who the fuck wants to go to westchester now we're gonna jump on the metro north just to practice oh i don't think they're how i think they got a car service but who the fuck like you don't want to sit in a fucking car that's a half hour or i mean more yeah and traffic i don't you don't want to so it's like also when you're sore wouldn't you rather just be in brooklyn like i don't get why you can't just get a practice facility so that that sucks and uh yeah all these little things we were like yeah i mean i just in my heart i can't i can't my brother and i went to a game once and he was like i'm gonna be a nets fan a few years ago and i was like all right and i can't fight you and then he showed up in a nicks

jersey to the game and i was like i fucking knew it and he's like yeah i can't leave so you know all right you relapsed but but that's the thing it's like yeah it's not cool but let's make it fucking cool uh also i think it is cool but let's make it. It's like, yeah, it's not cool, but let's make it fucking cool. Also, I think it is cool, but let's make it cool. It's like, hey, look, we went on YouTube to do our specials. That was a loss in our eyes, but now I love YouTube. Now I'm like, fuck it, YouTube's the spot. Yeah, this is fun.

And this is fun. What we're doing right here is fun. Yes, YouTube is. I love the eggnog. It looks fucking good, man. It's going down too easy. I got to slow down. It looks fucking good, man. It's going down too easy. I got to slow down. Dude, that's the thing.

These Manhattans, I'm going to have like five of them because they're so good. That's the problem. I know. Speaking of which, it's going to be weird. I'm in Tampa this weekend, and Bobby Jewell's not going to be there. Oh, man. My favorite. He sold it, right? Yeah.

Can I tell my favorite Bobby Jewell story? Please, please. Bobby Jewell story? Please, please. Bobby Jewell, for those listening who don't know, he ran this club called SideSplitters in Tampa. Just ridiculous guy. Like would just shit on you. Yeah, shows up in like a Charlie Sheen, two and a half men shirt.

But then he's like 58, half in the bag, got a fucking pinky ring, a hairpiece, shows up drunk in a Mercedes to pick you up from the hotel blasting jersey boys and you're just like i mean this is see this dude is he's a new york guy but he's like all florida now it's like the new york has left him he's become florida so uh yeah what's up pussy that's his greeting here we go you fucking liberal new york fucking queer that's what he would call me and i'd be like hey bobby you fucking pussy and his big one would go you get too much just my face to go i leave pieces of shit like you in the dirt and i'm like yeah you can out drink me at 58 that's

a bad sign that's not good yeah you smell like a strip club and you look like the owner what is going on he looks like hell dude he's so i remember they put me in the condo one year uh and i was i'd been that shitty little condo so many times you know coming up featuring there and and there was like a bigger room and i walked there and the guy who's opening for me great guy end up becoming buddies with him but he's in the room and i'm like it's my birthday and i'm like i'm depressed already so I like go on morning radio trashing him to Mike Kelta who's like the big radio guy there yeah and Mike is like wait he put you in a condo not a hotel and I was like yeah he's a cheap piece of shit and I start trashing

him and it's killing on air and I get off I get off radio and someone goes there's a phone call for you and I'm like uh-oh and Bobbyby it's bobby and he goes well played the hotel awaits he had someone drive me to a hotel you see he's a decent human after all he respected that i went at him on public like instead like he's like that's how you do it you trash me publicly it's like an old school mentality i love that and i remember he said to me once he goes you know what he's pissed drunk he's smoking a cigarette cigarette. You know what I want to see? You, Joe List, and Nick DiPaolo on a room, tearing each other to shreds. I said, why would I?

I like both of them. Why would we do that? And he goes, cost. He's like a fucking villain. He's just. Wow. I love it. If he was in a movie, you'd go, you got to tone it down and over the top you got to bring it bring it back a dial or two i had dina hashem

open for me at uh one of the weekends there and he cooked for us he was like let me cook you a steak and i'll cook you uh like a real dinner at my place and we get there and uh and you know it's me it's bobby it's dina he's in the car already like tell me like he had just had like a girlfriend who for the first time he's like we're finally making it work and i'm like oh that's great and then when he picks me up and this ride he goes we broke up and i was like oh my god i'm so sorry are you okay and he goes please i was about to leave her in the dust myself there's never a vulnerable moment and uh so then he drives us to the place he's got he's got the model home so it's like nothing has changed like this is the way

they show the house he just kept it that way so there's no heart to the home it's just like this is how it would look if you were showing the the home right so he's cooking his steaks he's pouring his wine baked potatoes great size he's a good cook wow and then i was like wow what a lovely and dino is like i can't believe he's this kind like i'm kind of so then we're at the club later that night you know he she's like i wonder if he'll show up and i was like oh he'll show up he even the bartender says don't don't say his name three times he'll be here don't worry he shows up like a fucking sitcom character he just like he just walks in and like poses like he's like he's waiting

for applause he's like right right and and as he walks in he goes you fucking piece of shit i was like what what did i do and he goes i fucking cooked you a steak and i was like yeah you invited me you invited what you want me to say and he's like you fucking piece of shit just two inches from my face breathing that fucking whiskey all over me like one more quick one i would so the weekend i'm there with raul sanchez who's hilarious who's a a buddy of mine he's opening he's so funny he's doing bits about uh you know being a like doing combat in iraq i mean he's like a fucking wow he's like seeing shit he's got ptsd he's open about it and he's a mexican guy he's and bobby keeps calling him indian he's fucking hammered and he goes he's

hammered he just he's rigging he goes hey raul his name's raul by the Raul, by the way. Hey, Raul. He's a killer, by the way. I forgot him. That guy's great. He's a beast. Yeah. And his shit is like, I've never heard someone doing hard punch military material like that. It's fucking impressive. Yeah.

And Bobby goes, hey, Raul. He goes, hey, Raul. What tribe are you in? And Raul goes, airborne infantry. How about you? Andul goes, airborne infantry. How about you? And Bobby goes, well played. Oh, man. Yeah, he's a character.

I mean, one time he pulled up and I had like a hot set. That's a club you can really kill in, I feel like. It's a hot club. Great club. And I walked out on the bar. I was like, give me a tequila, whatever. And Bobby walks in. He goes, hey, is it sold out?

I go, ah, we were like a couple of tables short. He goes, you make me sick. Got it. Went back into his shitty bed, like a two bit skank and drove off into the sunset. You make me sick. He would do. I remember I was like, hey, let's do a promo video for the weekend. So I'm recording him and he goes, he goes, Sam Morrell, best comic in our price range. Wow, that's pretty great. He's pretty funny. That's funny. Oh, man.

He would just be wrecked constantly at the bar. And it was like, there was always a moment where he was kind. And then there was that one drink where he would just turn and you're like, oh boy, going to be a long night now and people would be looking at him across the bar i remember he was acting like a drunken fool and he's like pushing 60 so people are laughing to see an old guy drunk like that and some guy across the bar it's his bar is laughing at him he goes the fuck you looking at you piece of shit not to mention the more he gets shit face drunk drunk and his wig he's got a shitty toupee and it's like it's like over here by you know 11 30 and he's like ah give me another one you fucking oh man so classic you piece of shit it is hilarious that he sells the bar right before

covid hits like of course he would dodge another fucking bullet. I know, I know. He's bulletproof, that guy. But I don't think he's happy, if it helps. I mean, he was a... I gotta give him, he's a funny dude. Like, he always was... He was... I mean, look how many fucking stories.

I mean, that was the thing I was telling Dina. I was like, this is the last version of this. Yes. You gotta enjoy this weekend. I mean, he's just so inappropriate and so hilarious club owner i mean he's got stories about kinnison and like jimmy schubert and bill hicks and all that shit all those like ron bennington all those florida guys oh bennington's a fucking beast so yeah he could go on all day and i don't know hope he's doing

well i i you never know what that Yeah, there were just so many incidents where he was just so fucking inappropriate and so damn funny, though. I mean, yeah. Shout out to B.T. and Leslie. Good people. Doing a great job at that great club. Yeah, great staff. Great club.

What's that? That bartender was from Brooklyn. I forgot his name. The Italian guy. What is it? Vinny? Vinny vinny yes vinny was cool he's just in new york yeah he's got stories for days yeah i mean he's a great dude yeah uh wait shit did we cover everything you got a pet peeve i got a lot of pet peeves right now man give me a give me a hot one what's one that's really grinding your gears what's grinding my gears okay so this is pissing me off i uh like everything is fucking automated now everything is bad right now i sound like a grandpa but like dude anything that goes wrong they're like oh we can't do anything like i'll give an example i went to fucking best buy the other day so you can you can buy shit online and then do store pickup right

so they're like all right yeah it bought then you go to the store and they're like oh it's not ready i'm like not ready it's in the store send someone to go get it like it's going to be at least 15 minutes i'm like 15 minutes like and of course it takes longer and i'm like i can find one in the store just yeah i already paid for just get so you're just sitting there like an asshole so i get i get a new computer because this shit's crashing crashing crashing all the time. And I get home and like, you know,

little shit we need, like Microsoft word. We need, obviously, you know, I got a Mac. So it's like, you need to buy it.

And like, so I buy it and they're like, Oh yeah, it's not available right now. And I'm like, it said instant download. And then I'm, so you can't even get people on the phone.

It's all, it's all on the computer. So I'm talking to the guy on the computer and I'm like, like what's going on he goes oh yeah this happens all the time and i go why that's a bad product it's called instant download fucking give me the instant so it's like i mean best buy is really incredible we're like same where they're like all right we have the best value and i'm like you have the worst service I've ever fucking seen in my life. Like, it's incredible. Like, and I get it.

It's a pandemic. No one wants to do the fuck. Everything's a mess right now. But like, that's why I need some stability in my life. It is a pandemic. Just make a fucking app download. Can I just have one thing? I tried to buy the NBA League Pass.

It just won't work. And they don't have, it's's like a billion dollar multi-billion dollar organization they don't have a fucking customer service on the phone so everyone i talk to online is like hey oh yeah we don't we don't know what's up and i'm like so fucking get a phone line yeah exactly but they don't want to answer the phone because that's another guy they got to pay it's a nightmare that they've actually figured out a pretty genius system where they just have an automated thing and it just is so annoying that you go, I'm out. I give up. Yeah. But then now you're going to your credit card company. Like, Hey, fuck you. I'm not paying for that.

Like it's all going down to the credit card company now. Right. Right. And then they go, well, he already paid. And then you got to cancel it. And that's kind of a pain in the ass. You go, ah, shit. And then they just got your money. Yeah. It's all, it's all a fucking pain right now that's that's my pet peeve it's it's just generic but like just like the world is fucking on fire just let like let's let basic shopping be decent like we've got the technology and and and computers are just taking human jobs and guess what they're doing a bad fucking job let's get a

human let's get a human to do that job i'm always the guy put zero press zero because you just want the lady give me the lady that's all you want it's a nightmare but i assume they deal with such lunatics and idiots that that they have to do that automated menu just like weed out out those people like oh you just forgot that you had to plug it in all right push three and we'll help you do that but but yeah it's still like give me the fucking operator give me a human what do you have for a peeve i'm with you on that i hate the automated hate it i i can i can even do stuff on automated with the bank and i just go to the bank i'd rather just not go to the bank too yeah i'd rather go to the bank uh mine is uh with my my gal i don't know if your lady does this but

uh this hit me the other day in the shower and i said i gotta tell samsonite this because it's such a fucking pain uh the the uh it's always not good enough like we were on a trip we went to italy and we're in the amalfi coast this is i remember that i couldn't i couldn't believe you did a vacation you're you're like me where your fucking list always says we're married to the sea yes exactly c word and uh it was the amalfi coast where i'm in a fucking hawaiian shirt i got flip-flops on and we got a drink in our hand and we got sunglasses on we're laying on a beach chair on the atlantic or whatever ocean that is and i got a drink in our hand and we got sunglasses on. We're laying on a beach chair on the Atlantic or whatever ocean that is.

And I got a Peroni in my hand and she goes, where should we go next? What are you kidding me? We're here now. You got to live in the moment, you psycho. What are you doing? This is it. What do you mean next?

This is it. You know what it is? Because women are planners, man. I hate to generalize, but they're planners. And it's like women respect a plan more than anything. It could be the most generic shit. But if you're just like, hey, we're ordering Chinese food tonight. I got us.

This is what we're eating. If you want to add anything, let me know. But if you show that you put any thought into anything, sometimes i get upset with that too and then i realize all i have to be like you don't have to fucking say hey i'm not married to this but maybe we go here next right right right i just you just feel so unappreciated you're like but what about this i want you to be blowing me because of this trip right now look at the sunset look at these mountains look at these you know uh everything is great. How about we go to a Gratitude USA? You've never been.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Population one. Give me something. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm with you. Yeah, that's a huge pet peeve. And it turned out great. But you're right about the planning.

The planning can get you laid. Like on a first date, if you go, I got reservations. But first, we're going to get drinks drinks then i know a great ice cream spot they're just like ah panty dropper dildo the whole thing there should be a tech support for that uh-huh this complaint it's got to make it through like three robots before it fucking gets to me hey that's a bit write it down but here's the clinker here's the thing is uh oh shit i lost my train here damn it clinker damn it oh here's the thing is i i hate planning yeah i hate i i i like you know the guy who's like we're at a barbecue and he's like i'll take the grill i'm like great you grill i don't want to grill and i don't want to grill. And I don't want to plan either.

Well, it sounds like you just don't want to do work either. Like the grilling is work. That is like, that's like an alpha thing. Yeah, but some guys are obsessed with the grilling. Like it's like, all right, you're just fucking flipping a piece of meat. Let's not act like you're fucking, you know, you're not Mario Batali here. Yeah, Wolfgang Puck over here. Yeah, you're turning it over at a certain time.

No, I'm with you. But I think the grill guy is like, I don't want to talk to anybody so i'll do the grill yes it's also the alpha that's the tony soprano role the grill exactly it's a status thing i grill the meats cigar in mouth cocktail in hand spatula the whole thing but i don't want to be that guy i'd rather hang out i'd rather hang out too i also think like i'm with you with the i think planning is i'm not a planner i have bad add i I leave things. I feel suffocated by plans. Same. Same. It was like someone's like, let's hang out Wednesday. I'm just like, fuck, can we just like I'm drowning. Right. Even if it's someone I want to see, I feel drowning. He's like, ah, I'm really stressed out. I have a 6 a.m. flight in four months. You know, it's like, it's so true.

It's so perfect. I love, I love Mulaney's joke about when people say, he goes, I'm really lonely. And his friends go, well, we should hang out. And he's like, that's not what I meant. That's relatable. Such a relatable. So good. He's great.

But yeah, it's so true that like, I hate planning and women are turned on by but i'm like well can i just be turned on by stuff that you don't want to do that that i like oh i'm turned on by uh you know paying my car payment you know like oh so you got to do that now i i thought we're going to go back to anal i'm turned on by anal is that fucking the truth is we are turned on by shit they don't want to do yeah yeah good point good point i guess i guess it could be worse the truth is we're all annoying that's what it comes down to we're just annoying we're annoying in different ways and that's like that's something we just have to fucking play ball that's something we just say yeah all right let's fucking plan

i mean reservations were made for women ah good point good point. But here, but don't you, don't you worry about her? Like I go, I'm too almost, I don't want to say I'm too considerate, but I'm like worried. Like, okay, I'll make a reservation here. But in my mind, I'm like, does she even like Greek? Now, what if I make a reservation and we get to this red? She's like, ah, I hate Greek. I got to be honest with you. I appreciate the reservation, but I hate this shit. I'm like, fuck. I'll tell you this right now i have an issue with people that write off any cuisine i'm fucking i'm in on any cuisine you take me anywhere you take me greek chinese thai japanese italian greek i will find shit on the menu i'm i'm i'm so annoyed

with people who write off an entire genre i don't care for that either i find it to be genre the right word probably not cuisine genre type of cuisine ethnicity i don't know but yeah like you're writing off a whole group of people right i agree with you but you can't find something on a greek menu it's great food it's great food it's closed-minded is what it is it's almost bigoted in a weird way like you're you're being dumb by not allowing these new flavors into your face i also like i want to try new shit even if i don't like it and also like i get i get it there are nights to play the hits but there are nights to adventure man like going to have some fucking have some grilled octopus have

some fucking kebabs man live a little have some grape leaves some what do you what do you call it the the fish egg like kind of spread they have the greece caviar no it's not caviar it's like that spread i forgot the name it's someone will write in the comments i'm sure yeah uh i mean shit greek food rules man i love yeah i love all that stuff i love trying new food but i have a friend who's a super picky eater and he always gets mad at me because i'm like try this it's so good he's like why do you care what i'm going through and i'm like well if i get a water at the bar you call me a homo so like what what's the difference i'm saying you might enjoy this as a friend i want you to enjoy something new but he won't try it there's nothing

wrong with knowing what you like but i do get annoyed when people write off an entire group of like you can't find any again i get it like get it. Like, Oh, Chinese is a little heavy. I'm like, well, they have vegetables. You can get a fucking veggie dish with the sauce and the, you know what I mean? Like you, I don't want them, but if you want that shit, I understand like, all right, if you're a fucking vegan, we won't go to a steakhouse, but if you're a vegan, you should be able to find something.

It's tough when people have weird dietary restrictions and that just makes your life hell exactly yeah you picked this this path down to shit shitville why do i have to go down it like you should adapt to me yeah i'm with you i i i think uh you know i don't know people in like the fucking midwest do like i don't know vegans in like the midwest do it no my brother's a vegan in new orleans which wow it can't be easy but you got whole foods you make it work you make it in new orleans is a big city but like i mean shit the amount of temptation i'd want a gumbo i'd want i know i know but he grew up with it it's fine i think he gets it but also he'll make some vegan gumbo and it'll be interesting and new and but i think a vegan restaurant in the Midwest is almost like a gay bar in the

forties, you know, like they all go to that one and people make fun of it. It gets shit thrown through the window, but like, that's all they want. Yeah, no, you're right. I mean, and also I, I, I get it. Like the health benefits, they're pro athletes who are vegan. They seem to be all right. Like, Oh, that's, it's tough for me to, yeah, I can't do it. I, I, I've been to good vegan restaurants. I'm not like a, I'm not like opposed to the idea of it. I just, it's just very hard to do. It's too hard. It's too, it's, I can't give up eggs. Eggs is maybe the biggest one for me.

Well, here's where my brother's a cunt is, you know, I love the guy, but he does a vegan, he does Thanksgiving at his house, which I'm like, let's just have it at mom's house he's like no i want to do it i want to cook i want to have it but it's vegan so now thanksgiving's ruined because he's a fucking asshole what what is does he do does he do does he do like uh like a fake turkey or something he he'll do a turkey like a half turkey like a big turkey piece for us. But then the rest is like some kind of bread and then some kind of weird. Who wants vegan stuffing? Stuffing is the star of the show. Of course.

Of course. It's horrible. It doesn't work. If this is Goodfellas, stuffing is Joe Pesci. That's the fucking breakout dish. I agree. You want a little sausage in that fucking stuff. I can get down with veggie sausage i like i

like like the beyond burger veggie sausage but i like the taste it's not like i'm doing it for like a fucking thing yeah you do feel a little better after you eat it too you do but it's like hey this is our our one day to splurge like animals and give me the gravy i love the gravy i want to put gravy on everything but gravy needs a lot of animal fat and beef stock or whatever the fuck. And it's all, it's all ruined. It's like a shitty vegan gravy. Indefensible.

Looks like olive oil. Completely indefensible. And, and yeah, I mean, he should, he should feel terrible about himself. Yes.

What else? Do you have any, anything else you want to talk about? Uh, news story. Uh, shit. I had something.

Hold on. Hold on. What do you got on the, you got any news? was a story about a girls uh a girl scouts rebuking uh boy scouts and escalating recruitment war but i want to do a thing about how like my angle on this is like how girl scouts just have a better name you know what i mean like you think of girl scouts and you're like oh that still sounds good to me whereas boy scouts i just think of Girl Scouts and you're like, oh, that still sounds good to me. Whereas Boy Scouts, I just think of pedophilia. Girl Scouts, I think of cookies. Boy Scouts, I think of like child molestation.

Because there are no Boy Scout cookies. You know what I mean? Yeah, good point. Boy Scout cookies to me are like, and maybe there were something. But like Girl Scouts are like, here, if Boy Scouts, like because Boy Scouts,, I think like they raise money for the camping trips and I wouldn't want to support that I wouldn't be like, all right, so if I buy these Samoas, an old man will take you to the woods. That's right. That's where it's going. Right, right. That's, that's hilarious. That's one thought I had that was one headline I saw on another headline I saw was, uh, this might not be anything either but uh long covid symptoms might include disgusting smells of fish that's a new one that's a fucking horrible time to live in china uh like you're at

the wet market already well i just think like a doctor's like you got to go somewhere that isn't a fish market and he's like this hospital he's like now this hospital has a fish market in it everyone everyone in china's got a fish market right hey right that's so true i've been to china the whole place smells like fish like literally like the state capital uh the museums it's all fish that's where it started the fucking covid thing yeah no that's hilarious that's got to be tough to be in china yeah or or chinatown we've all been there that place smells like fish on a good day. I was there recently. What, uh, what, what, what's the, what's your story? By the way, it's Chinatown. I haven't been there. Is it, is it doing okay?

Or does it look weird? I went down there to do a show. Uh, it was, it was fine. It was, it was seemed all right. I mean, shit, you know, it's, it's the same as all New York, right it's like yeah it's weird uh it was it was a few months ago so there was indoor dining i guess that's fucking shut this fucking situation man it's brutal man i i hope we're at the beginning of the end with the vaccine and the whole thing but 2021 maybe i don't know but it's i think we're all pretty sick of it. Oh, yeah. What's your story? So fun story, a happy ending.

A man was about to commit suicide. Speaking of Chinatown, happy ending. Chinatown, Jake. So a man was about to commit suicide with a gun to the temple, and his dog knocked the gun out of his hand, and now he's,'s like glad he did it wow oh my god that's crazy my joke was thank god he had a dog not a cat because the cat would have helped him load it you know like i'd be like hold on oh that's not enough bullets there

i hate you any other animal goldfish yeah gofish. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, exactly. Go ahead. I hope your head falls in the fucking tank and I'll eat it. That's something for sure. There's a whole angle you don't go down with cats or whatever. Maybe the dog just didn't want him to die because he wanted to keep getting walked or who knows. Something that, how about any other, any just regular bits you're working on? Oh, yeah.

So I had a bit about, tell me if this is anything. It's a two-parter. So I dated this chick from the Bronx once. She was like this tough, tough Puerto Rican chick. And she always said she should have been a female UFC fighter. But she was very vain. She was like obsessed with how she looked. And I was like, there's no way you could be a female UFC fighter

because they put your age and weight on screen ah you know like that to me getting punched in the face for a woman is way better than having your age and those are the two things you're not supposed to ask a woman so like like imagine if they did that for men you'd be like oh you want to be a fighter yeah hell yeah i'm a toughest guy on the block all right well we got to put your dick size and bank account i love it i knew dick size was going to be one of them but i still love it yeah it's perfect that's really funny uh and then i had this uh this other angle like dick size and uh last porn site visited yeah that's good yeah search history and then the tag was i think i'd be a pretty good corner man for a

female fighter because i've been in enough fights with women where if she was losing the fight i would just yell calm down you know it like regenerates her re-energizes her female rocky yeah exactly then she would beat me up after that fucking great female and we can add a whole female rocky thing it's like it's so much easier yeah that's great that's a great that's a great bit that's hilarious i my angle is that too dark with the eight wage and eight uh age and weight on screen no i think the turn is great because it's you make it about men so i think like the setup you don't know i i think bringing it back to men is where you make it really good i like it a lot all right all right hit me my angle is like uh you know when

you're a kid and you have that kid who like he's like like the little uh pleasures of life aren't enough he's always like taking it up a notch so you're like you're in the movie theater and you're eating popcorn he's like throw some goobers on it he's like try this shit yeah to another level salty and sweet and you're like all right all right that was kind of interesting and then you're like uh you're like oh wow it is it is good you're like well i don't know where that kid is now but i know it's an autoerotic asphyxiation you know that's like the salty and sweet of adulthood he's like this wasn't enough for me i took it up a level you know what i mean that's so true because that

is what life is just like i need more now i need more now i need more now i'm drinking in the shower showers aren't enough for me anymore i'm having a fucking i'm having a shower cocktail these days right right it's it's always like when those some but sometimes you need to cut it off like like you know you always hear about like uh in high school like dude get a girl to blow you with ice in her mouth they're like what i think the bj was good we're good yeah or a tongue ring and you with ice in her mouth. They're like, what? I think the BJ was good. We're good. Yeah. Or a tongue ring.

And you're like, we fucking, we did all right. We got that. That's we're good. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like at some point you got to cut it off. And auto-esoteric asphyxiation is the cutoff because that just kills you every time. Like that's how Kung Fu Guy went.

David Carradine. I just, just rewatchwatched kill bill so good that's funny that's so true it starts young it starts young yeah i had an add-on too about like child i don't know if you did this as a kid but like how as a kid you like jerk off in groups oh yeah sure like it's like so weird how horny we were but like i had a whole thing i added on about how like we would just like be like all right everyone get in the corner and you just put a pillow over your dick and jack off and you hand a bottle of lotion around like it's whiskey in the war you know and then i did a whole thing about like how uh i had one there's always the one guy who comes too quickly and then he's just kind of

got the dads in the next room so he's got to sit there and he's like all right guys come on he's always like it's kid jesse was the first one in our group and he'd be like all right i'm out like it was cards you know he's like i'm out and uh right so that yeah it kind of hit and then i did a whole thing about like uh one of my friends from our original jerk off group died so i was like grateful i didn't have to speak at his funeral you know because like that would i don't know if i would have been able to resist as a comic you know that's great like ah harry always loved the left quadrant that was his uh that's great he went the quickest again there we go boom oh man the jerk off in groups i i it's nice to hear because i've brought that up to a few guys who are like what the fuck no it's crazy not everyone does it but it's but it is a thing yeah it's a horny it's a horny kid thing i mean

you're you're a horny kid and you're like this is what we do it's actually quite you know uh vulnerable because you're like i do this you do this too let's do it together even though we'll keep our distance like covid like look we want to be together but we'll keep our distance six feet but yeah like a lot of people were not into that yeah i dared my friend to taste it once and that's not go well oh wow yeah that's fucking but that's you tried to push it to another level you took it a little further it didn't work out but you took the chance hey man that's that's how chocolate milk started you know milk is good we need more you put the spoon of sugar on the seat on the cheerios you're right let's just keep keep it up we get a seasoned assist uh from chocolate milk

next episode that is not how chocolate milk started it was not it was not a guy asking his friend to taste his cum that is this is from uh you who and uh this is not true exactly oh man nestle's quick that's what you call your friend all right we turned we brought it all around what uh what else you guys should we should wrap this up anything else going on uh no no i mean we're about to hit the new year um we should all get lunch or something i mean let's get lunch and you're gonna grab lunch some point that was so fun when you me and sean hit up sarge's deli that was like one of my best days of quarantine, for sure. That was great.

Great food, great hang. So good. But yeah, I'm doing a thing. You're doing Tampa this weekend, so get tickets for that, I guess, if you're watching this. But I'm doing one of those nowhere comedy Zoom shows. I'm just working out. I've got bare bones material here. But just trying to figure some shit out before I start doing shows again.

What is that? I keep seeing that. is that just a zoom club kind of zoom but they do a good job and it's just you know they it's you can get like 300 people or so in there but then you get uh you know they only uh they mute everyone but like 20 people so you just hear the laughs you work it out it's for me it's like good to get my timing for new bits before i take it out to real shows and i'm gonna start doing roofs again i like doing the roofs yes hopefully they get some fucking heaters up there and we'll make it work we'll see man but this was this is so fun man doing this we gotta we gotta get on a on a label or something but i know we need to make it the audio available on like spotify and itunes and all that but i don't know where the fuck to begin with doing that shit well someone hit us up and we'll figure that, but I don't know where the fuck to begin with doing that shit.

Well, someone hit us up and we'll figure it out, but keep listening, keep telling friends and thanks for watching. Yes, comedy.