We're Here to Help - 109: The Corvette of Sex Chairs with Andrew Santino

Episode Date: August 29, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Andrew Santino (Bad Friends podcast) talk to callers about planning an elaborate fake birthday party and the long term plans for a sex chair. Later, the guys follow up with the second caller from episode 103 “Smart People Are Our Kryptonite.” Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Early Access, Bonus Calls and Q&As): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And we are back in the studio. Yes. Having just had a lovely session and the unbelievably funny man, the Andrew Santino. We both love the guy. I love the guy. Have wanted to get him in for a while. He's doing so much stuff and he's great. We have great calls a great time

He's got another podcast called bad friends with Bobby Lee and whiskey ginger and whiskey ginger his own podcast both are great podcast and September 6 depending on when we Air this probably Aaron it soon. Yeah he's gonna be throwing out the first pitch and singing the 17 stretch at Wrigley Field. Something you've done. Yeah, so let's see how he does. Yes, yes. He's got some nerves, like we all do,

everyone fakes it, but that last second, it gets scary. Well, and what better way, and so yeah, go, and he's about to go on tour forever, so he's a great guy to follow. He's hilarious. Yeah. But also while we're talking about it, if we want to just soft promote the Patreon, as you know, in a recent intro, I talked about singing the national anthem at a, at an event, it was a medium and, uh, and, and so people have reached

out, so I'm going to be getting through the Patreon, getting some voice coaching lessons. And you're going to be doing which potentially could culminate. We go there. But on the Patreon, you're because we've talked about this a little bit off. It's unedited. Yeah. The voice lesson. No, you're saying you can see the whole words and all nodules and all. And then we don't even need to say where it might go, but it could have a real Hollywood happy ending In the long run, so that's that's that's my baseball world you guys But this could be a really big it could be big so for the patreon check it out

You're gonna see Gareth doing some voice lessons. We're having a lot of fun there for the YouTube Please like and subscribe and do all that if you're a follower there for our audio listeners the the bass What's up? You're doing everything right? Like and subscribe and do all that if you're a follower there for our audio listeners the the bass You're doing everything right and you already there You're in your car right now. Guess what? Just keep being you and and by the way just to say again if you want to go to the patreon there is a bit of we did the Kevin way and You want to get that curtain peeled back a little bit and watch a little I don't know we should bring it up because this Is the Santino episode,

which means now we're probably gonna air this one soon. Maybe even on Monday. We share this Thursday. Okay, Thursday. So- If you want some behind the scenes, it's on Patreon. Well, also then for this main show- We call it Waitrion. So then for the main show,

then let's talk for a quick second what we're gonna include because what happened was- Yeah. The setup was- We did the weigh-in. We did, well, Kevin? Yes. Do you wanna say what the setup was. We did the weigh-in. We did, well, Kevin. Yes. Do you wanna say what the setup is really fast?

We'll try to do this in a few minutes. The setup of having Andrew on? Well, the, what happened? The whole thing with the bet was Kevin looked himself in the mirror, didn't like the way he looked. It's happened to all of us. Kevin has lost a ton of weight. He said to us, you know what I'm gonna do?

I went to a trainer. This wasn't us pushing it on you. Yep. No, no, no. He said, I'm gonna, I'd hinder for 25. We're like, cool. And then we said, why don't we make it interesting for the show? And he goes, fun. And he said, by my birthday, I'm gonna lose 20 pounds.

I'm gonna weigh under 180 for the wedding. So we're like, great bet. If you lose, you gotta get in like short shorts, oily up photos. That's a recycled one that we tried to do with Berg for years. But just because we never finished it. We've never won that. We do deserve to oil Berg up. That's another show. You're agreed. I mean, I'll do that anytime. I'll drive them off. Road trip. Film

it. Patreon. Then if you won, we were going to buy you a gift. Started, Gareth had a really funny thing because Kevin told us the gift and he said just so you know There's been no text follow-ups about buying the gift. We had a couple laughs. Yeah, but then Gareth Yes, thanks to there was a reveal that occurred and that is his birthday is actually tomorrow and The weigh-in was yesterday morning on a scale and the wedding's not until the day after tomorrow. So we went, but wasn't the way in a little early? Didn't we prematurely weigh you in?

Kevin got pretty mad about that because he's been binge eating Domino's since I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm a big celebrating celebrating the winner's circle. But and then today there was just questions from our side started talking Just talking just talking about Should the official weigh-in still be tomorrow? Did we prematurely weigh in the shot haven't pointed out that he texted us the way and was gonna be us today But neither of us responded so we we I think we were having just fun We were all having fun two out of three of us were having fun

And I would say three out of three still at this point. Yes, you're not I had fun Yeah, and then say I would cut you guys off if it was not fun Okay, and then Santino came in and at this point we were kind of like let's just has sailed. It's fine But let's ask what no beforehand I said before he came in I did set up I would love to hear what Santino says, but I said, if I'm swaying it, because I don't like when somebody goes, let's hear what my cousin says,

this dude's an asshole, he punched me, is he an asshole? And you're like, why did we do that? So I do feel like the setup was pretty clean with him. I could be wrong, because I am a salesman. I don't think I oversold, but you were jumping in, I was jumping in, we set it up. We showed him the clip of the bet Santino made the same face. I made

There's questions and you felt that that potentially the way and had gone too early Anyway shark bit a little bit shark bit a little bit. We're we're that was backed off We're buying him the humidor with shark on it. It's happening. Yeah, so just to finish up We are we have decided, because Kevin got a little unhappy. All of it's on the Patreon, but we're not just, you know, that is what it is. You can see it or you don't see it.

You don't need to for this episode. Yeah. But we ended it. It's over. And we decided, in the middle of the call, I realized we pushed the shark farther than the shark wants to get pushed. The bet's over.

There is no weighing in the shark anymore. It's over. Well, you know, the problem is when a shark sees food it eats it and The shark saw dominoes last night and now we weigh 188 pounds Anyway, and the shark will weigh 200 pounds by the by his birthday and we welcome him back We like our hunk with no check. I like our hunk with trying but to end it now. Yes We've gone a full circle. We've said we're not waiting again.

So take that anxiety off. You have won. We are getting the thing. Thank you. So enjoy the episode. Enjoy, Andrew, and without. Further. And ado.

Further. Fuz, fuz, fuz, fuz, fuz, fuz, fuz, fuz, fuz, fuz. Golly. Really fast. Can we do it? Let's do it. If I am out of line or pushing, jump in. All right. And if we're gonna lose and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they,

and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they,

and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they,

and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and they, and Jesus. Jesus. Can we get an objection before you just jump in the court? He said, he looked himself in the mirror. Yeah. He was fatter than he's ever been. You look, I think you look good. He looks great. He's lost the weight. So he said, I looked at myself and I said, that's enough.

So I'm gonna lose weight. He went to a gym, he said to a trainer, I'm gonna book 25 sessions. We all said, fucking awesome. That is good. He goes, I'm gonna lose 20 pounds by my birthday. Almost a pound of sash. Yeah. That's right.

And then he said, on my birthday, there's a wedding. I'm gonna go to that pound, I'm gonna be under 180 pounds. Fucking awesome. Is that wrong, Kevin? I didn't say I wanted to be under 180 by the wedding. How tall are you? Five, 10. 180, five, 10 is said by your birthday. How tall are you? Five, 10.

180, five, 10 is pretty thin. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he looks great. He said by his birthday. But it was all gear, his birthday is the day of the wedding. Is this all correct? Day before, yeah. Birthday is tomorrow, wedding Saturday.

How old are you? 31. Tear is your policy. Shockin'. But that's perfect. Lot of new gays. By the way, 31 for him when we found that out, shocking, he's a young guy.

No, but I thought you were younger. You did? Just cause he carries himself in a light, happy, airy way. I'll also say the guy's got some success doing this at 31 years old. Oh yeah. Well, dude, I have a 25 year old kid on our- Your guys are awesome.

On our show and I can't stand him because we've given him the world. We gave him way too, he's 25 and he's making- 25 is awesome. He's making so much money as a 25 year old, I am repulsed. 25, what were you making a year, you think? 25, genuinely, 20 grand?

Yeah. Maybe 25,000? It depends what year. I can tell you- Waiter in bartend times. I can tell you legitimately, I was making $400 a week PA-ing before taxes. My check was 767, 767 or 776, after two weeks of work.

So each month I was making, you know, near, it was unbelievable. And so this kid's making, and he complains sometimes and I'm like, dude, stop it. At 25, he moved out here and he's getting just everything thrown at him. Sadly at 31, I wasn't really working. At 41, I'm really kind of.

40s is when the money's started. But 31 years old, I'm like. It's awesome. So really quickly and then interrupt because I don't want to lose one of the calls. But so birthday, wedding, under 180. Or 180. He wins, if he loses he's got to wear short shorts,

get oiled up, we take some photos of him. If he wins we get him a gift. Tastesful, tastesful. Sounds like a win, win, win. Right, but just whatever, low stakes. We should do it either way. Just for fun. The other day we were doing a Zoom, maybe yesterday.

Yes. We started and Kevin goes, I'm gonna do the weigh-in, blah, blah, blah. Jumping in. We're just. I texted them two days ago. I said, I wanna do the weigh-in tomorrow. Okay.

I didn't give it any thought, neither did Gareth. How much are you weigh-in right now? Right now? No at the weigh-in. We do the weigh-in yesterday. I'm 179.6. Wow. Okay. They say and hold on I'm jumping in. We're not even saying we're just positing. Yeah, so we celebrated his win. As soon as it gets over he starts chugging some drinks. Right. I'm starving. Starving. Yeah, he like McGregor'd weight. In the next 24 hours, he's gotten a little rounder. Not fatter.

Swollen. But UFC. Bigger. You lose everything. And then you, yeah, yeah. But he looks great. So the question is, has he celebrated too early? Are we able to have another weigh-in?

His birthday's tomorrow. His birthday's tomorrow. His birthday is tomorrow. And the wedding's not till the day after. You have to do the weigh-in on the day of the birth. That was the bet. Isn't that the bet? Okay, so by the way. Am I confused? By the way, that's what I was saying and he's acting like I'm bullying him. So I said, I'm going to ask Santino. I go, interrupt if I'm bullying. I don't want to push you to an answer,

but that is the bet. It's honest. the bet and he just said but we have tape of it We have tape of us making the bet and he said I'm just doing the way in today So you're on a zoom most of the time we do so play play play the play the tape of the bet just just so he Could see the wording and then we'll see what he said I saw a number that I have never seen on a scale that I didn't like. What's that number Kev? Two zero zero. What are we hoping to get to by when?

So maybe as a show we can keep track of. 180 by my birthday, August 23rd. And then if you do not hit it, do you agree to a photo with short show? So what is, so what are you? Just your true thoughts, Santino. Today's my sister's birthday. Kevin's birthday is tomorrow. Please, the same exact look I did was his.

I don't want to bully, but I did. Well, and this is also, I'm a bad barometer because I am a bully. So this is like- No, you're not. But I'm siding with you, so now I sound like evil because I said when I, you do look really good. Handsome. Thank you.

Way better than you did in this clip. And that's a prize in itself. Yeah, but hold on. So what do you, you're deep down, if you're the judge- Got to weigh in tomorrow. You got to weigh in tomorrow. I totally agree. Do you totally agree because you lost some bets?

Uh-oh. See. It's getting so mad. We're seeing it in his eyes. I totally agree. Do you totally agree? Cause you lost some bet. Uh-oh. See, he's getting so mad. We're seeing a new side. And he's got, he's in a race saying, I'm happy to, he's doing a video. He turns his camera and goes, I'm really happy doing this podcast.

I guess they ruined this for me. But I know it's not picking. It's, I just think we did the weigh-in early. That's the bet. You agreed to it though. I texted you and said, we're doing the weigh-in tomorrow. What did we say? Neither of you responded, which to me is- Confirmation.

Yes. Well, time out. Why did you guys do the weigh-in a day early? I have no idea. I didn't even think about it. We were just doing, we were doing calls yesterday on Zoom. Okay. So he just said, hey, I got something for an intro.

We're trying to do intros. Somebody takes something, take the lead. Yeah. He goes, I got something, I'm gonna do the weigh-in. And we went like, all right. Then part of it was fun. We could see his reflection. He was standing on it.

We saw him a little underdressed. It was fun. And then he hit the number and celebrated and told us what gift he wanted. We didn't give it any thought. Gareth brought up today that we haven't texted at all about following up on the gift, making fun of us for being assholes.

He's like, the fact that we haven't texted once, then we started asking questions. But like, put the weddings for two days in your birthdays tomorrow. What's the gift, by the way? Humidor for cigars. How much are the, I don't have no consent. He wants a, he wants-

Is that a fancy gift? Maybe 75 bucks. Oh guys, just give him money. We've been discussing this for 45 minutes, Andrew. I lost 20 pounds and we're debating this like I'm in court. We will, we should just give it to him. That's a good point. We can.

Yeah, we will. No, no, no, no, no. You know what? But it's not right. How about this? It's enjoyable. I have a good break. He buys us one.

You weigh in tomorrow. Yes. I, Andrew Santino. Yeah. Regardless, I'll buy you the humidor. I'm 100% serious. Just so I can get some peace in the room. Yeah. Regardless, I'll buy you the humidor. I'm dead, I am 100% serious. Just so I can get some peace in the room. Yeah.

I'm buying it for you. I'm genuinely gonna buy, look at me in the face. I'm gonna buy it, I swear to God. I believe you. And then you still have to weigh in tomorrow to continue this second half of this. So then all parties are satisfied. I think I-

Is that fair? I think that's good. I just would have ate significantly less dominoes yesterday. Had I known there'd been another weigh in. He just would have ate significantly less Domino's yesterday. Had I known there'd been another weigh in. He did the UFC thing. He hit the weigh in. Right, and then he went nuts.

I partied. He partied. Which isn't bad, but this was all about the wedding. Yeah. So what I said to him is, what if you lost all the weight by August 1st, and then at the wedding you weighed 250? Do you consider you won or did, you know,

whatever the gift is, we can get you the gift. I just think we should do another weigh-in for sure. I think we should film it. I would like to know your real weight at the wedding. You're getting it. I don't know what you weigh at the birthday. Collars are in the waiting room. All right, let's do it.

Okay. God, he's a little pissed. He's actually not happy with it. I'm buying you the human, will you send me a link to which one you want? Sure. You have my text. Hello. Hello? Garth my you have my text. Hello

Hello Sure. Hi there Welcome to we're here to help. Hi. How are you? There's a little tension in the room I'm not gonna lie, but that's fine and we're gonna fight through it because we need to help you you're But if you have any pitches on how to help Kevin right now, that might be good, too But what is your name age and where are you calling from, please? My name is Noah. I'm 33 and I'm calling from Bamfield, British Columbia, which is a tiny little town on the outside of Vancouver Island. On the outside. In D.C.

Well, I'm not gonna lie. We have, you have Jake, you know him from the show, you have me, Gareth, and we have a killer today. Someone we've been trying to get on the show for a while. So this is, you better have a great problem, because we got a great solve, because we have a killer today someone we've been trying to get on the show for a while so this is you better have a great problem because we got a great solve because we have the phenomenal Andrew Santino is joining in studio buying shark a humidor I will holy shit holy shit we get him the humidor, we have, without question. Okay. But.

No, I'm gonna buy it. We'll all buy them. I think we'll give him three humidor's and I think we'll throw humidor's at this problem until it feels better. So what's going on Noah? What can we help you with? All right. So I manage, I'm one of the managers at this little restaurant in this tiny town.

Last year, kind of at the beginning of October, the manager was in contact with one Albert Kiggy. For about six weeks, they were messaging back and forth. They were looking for a place to cater their 85th birthday party. They were messaging pretty detailed things about food allergies and payment methods. So it seemed pretty legitimate.

We ended up prepping this a giant amount of fried chicken and mashed potatoes and salad. And we booked like the local water taxi and packed it all up and brought it over to like the confirmed address and there was no one there. And it turns out like it was a scam. No Albert Kiggy. No Albert Kiggy.

This is an interesting hustle. Yeah, well, it's well, it's purely it's not a hustle It's just mean it's just mean. Yeah. What did you guys take a deposit? What's the end goal? I don't know I know there was no payment We kind of learned then to be like we need to start taking payment upfront for this kind of thing But I ended up just hosting like a like a fake birthday party like at the actual restaurant You know people made cards like screw you over taking karma the bitch We ended up yeah, I was thinking the community kind of showed up and it was it was a really lovely night It's coming up again, and I wanted to ask you guys

I love when you party plan and I was like how do we how do we lock this in as like a yearly tradition? It's gonna be his 86 party. I was thinking maybe like. Wait, hold on. No, no, no, no, I got it. You're going fast and I'm getting confused. Are you getting all this? Okay. Pretty much.

What I assume is he's saying it's the year anniversary of this event, correct? When they got, when somebody said book this event, they did the thing, no one was there. Yes. But you're not talking to Albert. Yeah. It's just a year later.

They wanna now make a holiday out of Albert Kiggy Day. Right. Okay. Gotcha. Yes. There is an article. I'm jumping in Noah. There is an article written about this event too. So I'm showing the guys that too. Okay. So you've got you're right on the water here. The Bamfield wreckage. It is beautiful. And you're going to have an Albert Kiggy event again. So your restaurant is kind of kind of use this as a way to get some press out of the prank that happened. Well, yeah, it's just like a fun event. The summer like we're a tourist town.

So it's been like ridiculously busy. And so this is kind of like a nice kind of end of season party, maybe for the locals, maybe for who's left in town. But I just kind of want to like lock it in as a tradition and kind of blow it out of the chair. Well, I gotta say something first 100% Kevin no way in it's over. We're done doing the weights you want. Yeah, the bet is Sideways the bets. Oh the man. Okay. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, you get the humidor I've never seen the shark like this. I've seen I'm not not surprised by us. Whatever we do, we do. We were putting humor in humidor.

He was getting mad. It's over. Yeah. You're not upset at me. No, you're the hero. He's mad at us. Well, he's mad at us. And can I say something to the caller?

What's this gentleman's name? Noah. This is Noah. Noah, is this just a plug for this whole thing? It sounds like a plug. Yeah, pretty much. Cause this sounds awesome. There sounds like no problem.

It sounds like he's just plugging Banfield Restaurant. It sounds like he wants more people to show up. It doesn't sound like an issue. We absolutely do not need more people to show up. We're maxed out. Okay. All right, now we get it. Okay, now things are good.

I like when you guys party plan and your ideas are awesome. We'll get to that in one quick second No, but I do want to say a hundred. Yeah, a hundred percent. I pushed too far. That's don't apologize No, I'm apologize. I did it to you after the page at night, too This was on me. I should have let it go When I saw Santino's face to the Chicago thing that I was doing I realized it's a sickness Yeah, and it's. And you know what? We're wrong.

We're wrong. Because who cares? Don't say, no, Andrew, you've done nothing wrong. No, no, no, we are wrong. It was his face when he went. He gave a face. And the face was. The face was pretty good though.

We gotcha. We gotcha, yeah. And it wasn't as much fun for him. No. I wanted over, so you win the bet, it's over. We're never waiting. And what we should have done was we should have said we want the way in the day of the birthday.

We let him go to the winter circle and eat pizza and probably drink whiskey. And the first thing he drank was a banana. So Domino's last night, he had Domino's. Yeah. But Santino, you're right that this just feels like a plug. What is the problem? Is this just a... He just wants us to try to punch up the anniversary.

Yeah. Yeah, because there's definitely a win here for you. There's a win here for you to make this a bit more of a thing. I know when we asked if you needed more people, you definitely got a little defensive, and you pointed out that things were real good. Sort of feels like when you're just like make fun of a man's penis, he's like, like it's like Trump, like, trust me, there's no issue down there.

Well, maybe we could celebrate and create who this Albert character is. That's kind of what I think. And it could be more about, because look, you're having the night, people are coming, it's fun. We could, what is his name? Albert Kigley? Kiggy.

Kiggy? You got to hire a guy, you have to hire, you have to is his name? Albert Kigley. Kiggy. Kiggy? You got to hire a guy. You have to hire someone to play Albert Kiggy. I agree. You can find an old man, local actor who comes, he's making an appearance, like Groundhog's Day. Right. At a certain point he shows up, someone's got a megaphone all night, he's coming.

Will he appear? Will he not appear? If he appears, what does it mean? Do a Kiggy drive-by on a boat. There's Kiggy's boat. Kiggy's boat. There's Kiggy's boat. Kiggy's boat is great. But if he appears, everybody gets a free shot of something. Oh, very good.

I like that. And so you're thinking all night about, is he gonna come? No one thinks he is. You do fake drive-bys. It wasn't him. And at 11 o'clock at night, you get an old man extra to come in and you're like,

why I have an announcement. Okay, I like this a lot. Why don't we set it up like this? Why don't you say you have really big news, Albert Kigge is real and is coming to the party that night and so the event is now actually for Albert Kigge this year. Yes. You don't hire an old guy,

you hire a younger guy to dress old. And when the party's kind of whined. You trying to get a gift out of this? Yeah. This isn't a great gig. I used to do kids birthday parties, this is what happens. So then you dress this guy, I think have him come in on a boat but make him the villain.

And then right at the edge of that dock there, why doesn't everyone get to like throw bread at Albert Kigge into the water or something like that because he missed the party. And then you should create like squares, football squares. I don't know, do you? Oh yeah, yeah. You should do squares over when Kiggy arrives. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So someone can win money on that. Yes. You can have a Kigley Wigley, a shot that we're all familiar with. And I think, but you know what you could do if you do the young person dressing up as Albert? The first guy comes and then it's revealed it's not him. You do the Scooby Doo.

And he goes like, I'm just a young man. Then a woman does it, somebody else does. And at the end of the night, you've got a guy at 1.30. So everybody else went home and old guy shows up and he goes, I am Albert Kigley. Drink the Piggly Wiggly, whatever it is. Everybody gets a shot and it's over. 1.30 is too late.

But yeah, so you know, whatever it is. It's gonna be like one guy like, I don't really care. Yeah, exactly. Who's Albert Kigley? That old man, the actor is going, do I drink and eat free? Here's the beautiful spin. This guy, we do a who's, Albert Kigge shows up a million times over the night,

a ton of times over the night. The bar is empty, no one's there. There is one man at the bar. Our actor runs in, the guy at the bar is actually Albert Kigge. I was Albert Kigge. And that's the reveal. He's there the whole time. Yeah, that's fun.

That's fun. Like a mariner. What do you think, Noah? I. He's there the whole time. Yeah, that's fun. That's fun. Like a mariner. What do you think, Noah? I think them being there the whole time, should there be like some sort of commonality between all the costumes or just like vastly different? No, no, I like there's a thread. Me too.

There's a through line. Yeah. So what do we know about the actual? Nothing. Well, the first Albert, when he was planning it, nothing. No, just the name, right? He's an 85- old man. He potentially had 50 other friends that were around that age that were all gonna have a birthday.

By the way, this prank, it's really funny. I mean it's horrible, but it's really funny. It's a really weird prank. It's weird. They showed up on shore with chicken and potato. Or, have you Googled the name? Did he pass? Yeah, I thought that was my first thought is he dies Yeah My first thought is that he died that you guys are all mad at this guy. You're following Have you done a quick Google search in the area if there was an old man that died last year named Albert?

Oh, yeah, we were we were looking it up We had someone like comb through like genealogical websites and like it's even a real like last name. It doesn't it's nothing What are we? comb through like genealogical websites and like it's even a real like last name it doesn't it's nothing. What a weird prank to fuck with restaurants. I've been like what is yeah what is the end goal? What does the person get out of this? They weren't even here to like witness us you know. I got a pitch Noah. Showing up. You might have the restaurant might have wronged them at some point. Or here's a pitch. Yeah or it's just this is fucking great look what it created for you guys. Yeah yeah yeah. Like what a great world. What if we turn the party into an episode of like clue who done it. That's kind of, yeah, right.

So the night's going on, everyone's having fun. And then all of a sudden like the doors lock or the lights go off and then somebody grabs a mic and go like last year, you guys, you guys came for a fun event. But really this was about blah, blah, blah. You know what serial killers do? They revisit the site. Yes, always.

We have evidence to prove that the actual Albert is here tonight. That's great. The doors don't get a murder mystery turn. A murder kiggy. And you have a few actors who are setting it up. And maybe what you're gonna get, Noah, is a reveal of the real actor.

Who goes like, maybe just some magic. You get a couple actors heightening it, it's funny, and then somebody's there being like, and then it's some 17-year-old who goes like, I never thought it was gonna get this big, I feel terrible. Maybe. I like the murder, I don't think so.

I'll be honest, not at all. But, it's fun to play. But, why not do it like that? I like the idea of doing it like a murder mystery You can assign someone as the actual Kiggy that night. No, I have an event. I know on you're the MC Yep. Yeah, what's your position at the restaurant? I'm a kitchen manager, but I also bartend and serve and I host the trivia nights here. So jack-of-all-trades Yeah, trivia night right there. You like the mic.

And so, no, when we're coming to you. I'm a little ham. Yeah, we know you are. When we're coming to you and we're talking about either old Albert showing up or a murder mystery, what are your thoughts? So you mentioned kill him off. Are we gonna like lights off and then there's like

a dead body on the ground kind of thing? I wouldn't do that. No. Like a hooded stranger at the bar the whole night? No. Okay. I would say what you're doing is you're just taking the murder mystery model. Yeah.

And you're applying it to who, instead of who's the killer, who's Albert Kigge. And that you have reason to believe Albert's in the room right now. Yes. And you're trying to apply pressure that we have insider information that the actual person showed up tonight and we would like you to reveal yourself. What I would do is I would prep it by having someone there, definitely be Albert Kigge. Maybe you don't want to make, maybe you make it so, like I used to do these fucking murder mystery boat cruises in Boston.

Things were good. And what you'd do is you'd have like seven prototypes of like who people who are getting interviewed as the murderer. So maybe you have seven different people playing saying they're Albert Kigge. And then you have the people who are there going around interviewing asking questions with like whatever you've prepped as far as the reality of the guy and then they're trying to figure out who the real Albert Kigge is. Do you think there's any chance the guy's gonna,

just for a second, just entertain it. It could be wrong. It's wrong. I know you're saying it's wrong. It's wrong. You're being extra confident because he's here. If he wasn't here, you might get into this. I don't.

I don't either, I don't either. I like the idea. But imagine, so somebody in this small town hates this restaurant. Or loves. But why do the 50 burgers's a burgers and fries a great show this makes for great fodder I mean the first he didn't realize they were gonna do it every year Well, yeah, cuz he probably thought no way they'll do this. Yeah, but now this is turning into something magical first time He's gonna know no, I'm gonna wait a minute. No, uh

Albert Kiggy I was gonna I was gonna suggest that that, Noah? Noah Albert Kiggy? I was gonna suggest that, that Noah should actually be Kiggy. Oh, that could be good too. You should be Kiggy. You say you're a ham, you wanna do the thing. Yeah. I still think you need to find the through line.

Maybe you guys are, it's gotta be one piece of a thing that everyone has, that people in retrospect are like, oh my God, that's, he had a, he, you know, she also had a- Yeah, yeah. A bone to pick with the rest, like I was wrong somehow. Before we get into the fictional world for a second,

how big is this fucking town? The island's big, this town, we'd like just got a paved-ish road out here, but over the winter, it's like maybe two, maybe 200 people over the winter. Okay, so this is what I'm saying. So I would love this thing to end with a reveal. And I know it's probably not. I know we've already given good pitches.

Yeah. The idea of an old man going through, we don't have to crack every single detail of the riddle. That's on Noah. Right. That's on you, bud. Come up with the story. But like whatever the story is going to be. But I don't think the story should just be,

I don't think everybody should be in on the fun of it. I don't think it should be silly. I don't think it should be like, Albert's here. I think the feeling has to be, you get a little bit of a stomach ache and you think, what the fuck is going on? And what's going on is somebody did something really shitty last year and we know you're here. And everybody goes like, this isn't fun.

And it wasn't fun last year. When you nearly knocked us out of business Everyone who attends is this a mistake yes, but Imagine if it works and Noah you get some fucking rap to go like this Yeah, I fine to go like this. Y'all are fine. Who's this guy, sorry? You Scooby, if you imagine if you Scooby

do the ending. It's so rad that I was fine, it was me all along. I did it, I'll tell you why. Because you guys think you fucking run this island. And we do. This is Bamford Fish and Chips. We run this island, baby. That's who I want to reveal. The fucking competitor who's got fish and chips. We run this island, baby. That's who I wanna reveal.

The fucking competitor who's got fish and chips, and you guys have come in there with your PR stunts calling podcasts, and you're ruining what was pure about the island, and they're gonna fucking bleed you dry with, and you guys are dopes. Albert Kigley, 85 years old. But if we can get that man just to admit it.

It would be huge. Oh yeah. Huge. You'd make a paper here in the States if you did that man just to admit it. It would be huge. Oh yeah. Huge. You'd make a paper here in the States if you did that. Yeah, the mainland. Yeah. And so Noah, here's what we got for you. You hire young guys to look old

and you have something where they go by in a boat and you throw bread at them or something. I love the bread throwers. Yeah. Because it's harmless. We could like throw them, yeah. But you do that and you, they're off their whole night, maybe he appears.

I like the idea that Santino said about the Kigley Wigley or whatever the shot is. Yeah, the Kigley Wigley shot. Everyone gets a Kigley Wigley shot. And when you see the actual Albert, everybody gets a free shot, that's fun. You could do the murder mystery evening. Love it. Where the vibe changes, you're trying to reveal,

you could do it silly or you could do it light. Yep. I think, I think, I think kind of a little bit serious. Yeah, a little bit weird. Because it's gotta feel like, because it can get too hammy if it's murder mystery, which is fun, but I think it could be cool if half of the people are questioned,

they're like, what is kind of going on? Because if it's hammy, what's gonna happen in a bar is you got 10 seconds. Yeah. People are talking and they go, yeah, so, and then you start doing a thing and they go, anyway, so yeah, yeah, yeah, and everybody's talking. You're on a mic trying to get attention

and no one's gonna give it to you. If it's real, people go, oh, the guy who did this last year is in this restaurant right now. And then they go to the table and they go, they look around and they go, was it Gareth? Did one of you fuckers do it? No, no. I didn't do it.

Not me. And then one table goes, I didn't do it, and one guy goes like, who even cares who did it? Oh, this guy. This guy did it. What do you know, Steve? I don't know, nothing. And you're like this. Oh, should we say Kiggy?

Yeah, and if you could reveal that. So now Noah, what do you think you're gonna do? Where are you actually at? It feels like leaning into the lack of information is like just keeping people on their toes because you keep saying like the real one but we we can like set it up at the beginning so that yeah we're having this party we hope he's going to show maybe he'll show and then throughout the night like throw in a bunch of these ideas like have a bunch of fakes and a bunch of people who will be very vocal about their misgivings with the restaurant.

And then, but I got to reveal at the end, I want to like tie it together. I think the drive by on the boat we can definitely do. It might even use like the, you know, our, Noah, yeah, offer a reward. That's good. So it's all going throughout the night and then the middle of the night and you put this in there, you go, if you're the real guy and you can prove it, because we got the emails,

you need to give us something specific, give you $1,000 cash. Cash. And then guess what, if somebody admits it, you go like this. USD. Yeah, you go like this. They go, can I get the thousand bucks? They go, yeah, after you pay us the 13 grand,

we lost on burgers. So now you owe us $12,000, you fucking rat. You're Kigley. How much was the initial loss? What was the financial hit? Oh? Like we I mean it was you know the crap hours of all the food but we ended up You know like recouping it by opening up and people like you know could buy the food You know the next night like we that was their initial thing was that you know we'd made all this food Had no party to cater for and then opened up the restaurant and then you know

the community showed up and and helped us recoup some of the losses. So maybe a couple grand in labor and but that's really it. I think I also think if you end like I think if you're thinking about this like a thing you do every year you want some kind of staple moment which is why I was saying you could have the thing where people like throw bread rolls at Kigley and he drops in the thing where people like throw bread rolls at Kigley and he drops in the water or something like that. Yeah, it's fun.

Carreth is stuck on the bread. I just want to let you know. He's stuck on the bread. I don't remember who pitched it. Yes. You did. Oh, did I? That's a great idea.

It's a great idea. I really love that idea. Hucking bread is good. Hucking old bread. And because you can make up a backstory that the Kigley, you know, the Kigley Wheat Mill, you know, he owned Kigley's Wheat Mill. Yeah. Famous and it's a-

I gotta say, it's not that it really matters because it's not real, but it's K-I-G-G-Y. Okay, hang up the phone, Kevin. I'm gonna start listening. But Noah, I do feel like we gave you a bunch of stuff to work on, will you follow up with us and let us know what you did? It's awesome, it's so cool.

I think this night- 100%. This night could get really fun for you, and if it happens to reveal something, I mean, fun. That'd be great. But send in photos and all that stuff of what you're doing. We'd love to see it. We want to follow up and a cut of the action.

Of the reward? Yeah, we gotta go buddy, but thanks a lot for the call. Appreciate the call, buddy. Thanks, no. Appreciate you. Thanks for the help. Bye. Bye-bye.

Quiet. Let the chef cook. Bye. Bye bye. Quiet. This episode. I'll get go. I'll do this one, Gareth. This episode is brought to you by. How dare you? It's brought to you by Pretty Litter. We're laughing because I am talking about how much I love Pretty Litter. No, we're laughing because you literally said, oh, pretty litter.

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Hello! Hello to you. Hello to you, sir. Welcome to We're Here to Help. How are you? I'm doing alright. This is a crazy ride. I listened to you guys twice a week and I was just listening this morning. And it's just such a mind-fuck to kind of be on a call with you guys. Well, it's all downhill from here. What's your name, age, and where in the Midwest are you from? I have a good guess, by the way. Dave, Longmont, Colorado, and 55.

Love Longmont, Colorado, just by a little bit north of east of Boulder. Correct, yeah. Beauty. How do you know that? I'm pretty geographically- Well, you've been everywhere too. Yeah, no, but one of my college good buddies

went to Longmont High School. Also, Jessica Beal? Ooh. Longmont High? No way. No way. Are you saying no way? I didn't know that.

No, he didn't even know that. It could be made up then. I think it's the Beal. It's Be No, you were saying no way. I didn't know that. He didn't even know that. It could be made up then. I think it's the Beal. It's Beal. Yeah, I think so. How old did you say you were, Dave? 55. 55.

Okay, look, you got Jake, you got Gareth, no big deal there. But we have a killer. We have someone we've been trying to get on the show for a while. Very excited. We have Andrew Santino joining us. Hey, how are you, sir? In the studio. How are you, sir? So buckle studio. How are you, sir?

So buckle up. Take that. How are you? Wow, that just, I don't know, that got real flirty. I'm the guest helpers. So Dave, what can we do for you, bud? I got divorced about, well, it's been over three years. So three and a half going on four.

I took about a year away just to kind of do some relationship rehab. And so I was not in the dating mode of any kind. And then about a year and a half after that process, I ended up meeting somebody that I really enjoy and want to spend a lot of time with. That a boy Dave. And I was an empty nester, all my kids were out of the house and ended up buying a yoga chair,

which is actually a sex chair. Thanks for not keeping the illusion up for long. All right, so David, about 50. I know you can't see through the clothes. So David, 50, you go through a divorce, you take a year to yourself, you come out, you've re-birthed, you meet a lady, you like a lady, it's about a year and a half, it's strong,

you get a sex chair. Yep, and you call it a yoga chair. Oh, and we get to see a picture of the chair, I think. All right, so keep going, sir. Yeah, I did send one to the shark, or requested, so. But yeah, so my dilemma started with my youngest, who was 24, graduated from college and is having a hard time finding a job, so he's moving back in with me until...

Hold on a second, Dave. We're just really examining the beautiful positions They can be performed and thrust it upon a sex chair. So pretty much all the regular positions are a go It looks like I don't know why we needed all the diagrams. Okay, I don't think it hurts. No, no, I'm a little I'm ready Well, it probably helps his back. Yeah, Dave. You do have a L4 L5 injury. Yes Or a real fucking L5 injury, yes. Or L3, L4. I'm funny enough, yes I do. Yeah, yeah, we do.

I'm not getting though, I look at that thing, I'm seeing a yoga chair, seeing the demonstration, I'm like, now I get it. I'm not looking at things, seeing every position. It's actually great. It's really great. Yeah, fun. Yeah, okay.

Okay, so you got a sex chair. Love that chair. But the design works, you can put that thing in a living room, it's not gonna jump, it's not a swing. No. No. You go into someone's bedroom and they have a swing and they say it's for yoga, you're like, hmm, come on, come on.

Okay, so you have a kind of a cool, you know, clockwork, orangey furniture, okay? What's the issue? The stains. How do you clean it? Gross, next caller. So it's kind of a ball. So the reason why I reached out to you guys

in the first place was initially because my youngest son who's 24 is moving home from college after graduating until he's ready to move out with some roommates that are tied up in a lease. And so he was gonna be staying at the house for several months. My bedroom's right across the hall from his. Dave, Dave, Dave.

And I know that- Wait, Dave, why'd you let him go? Let him use it. Wow. I don't know if that's the question. Let him use it. That's not the question? I don't know, it seems to be-

Hold on. Is your question gonna be can my son fuck too? Because if so, I'm lost. Well, that's the advice, right? That's the first go- is pick up the candy chair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Like father, like son. Yeah. I wouldn't say I'm pitching that one just yet. It's a bonding moment for you guys. So your son's home, he's living with you. Keep going. Now he's here.

Yeah. Now he's at the house. Uh, it hasn't come up yet. I don't think he's gone into my room, but when he runs out of something he's gonna walk in there See it. I know that he's gonna know what it's for and what it's used for Yeah And there's either gonna be some awkwardness or some questions and I'm not sure how to handle that but there's more to the story now Okay, let's go. So the addition stuff that since I've emailed you is

Tess is who I'm seeing she's not coming over as much because of the new roommate situation. So I'm a little bit of a situation that's needing some advice on how to have her still come visit, maybe as often as she once did. And then I'm also trying to figure out a way. We haven't used the chair in a while. And I think there's a little bit of maybe some awkwardness or holding off on that because there's somebody else in the house. It's not just us anymore. Such practical questions. So it's your son's there.

You want you if he asked about the chair, we can get you out of that easy. Tess isn't coming around because your son's there and you want to use your chair. Right. Because you can go to Tess's house, correct? Yeah, but you can't bring the chair. Because that thing is my car. Why not? So you love this. So, Dave, did you fall in love with Tess or did she just let you use the chair? Yeah. Because Tess is still at her place.

Let's say you have to pick Tess or the chair. Who do you pick? Like, oh, I'm taking Tess. Yeah. But the chair Let's say you have to pick Tess or the chair. Who do you pick? Oh, I'm taking Tess. Yeah, but the chair, like the idea of like... The chair's name is Tess, by the way. There is no Tess. He pops holes in the chair. Son, I want to introduce you to Tess.

But Dave, do us a favor here. Do us a favor here and boil this down to one question because I think a sex chair is as cool as the next guy, but you can just go to her house and have sex on a bed. Yeah. Right? You could also just order a sex chair to her house. Right. So, but boil down specifically what your question is and then we'll see if we can help you out of it.

I think it's now Tess at the house because when this first- Oh, great. The important thing here is about getting Tess to be comfortable at the house, to come over, to have sex with you on this- On the chair. On the chair, I mean, that's the most-

That's what he wants. Right, and by the way, we want that for you too, bud. I mean, that's- Tess wants it. Well, that's debatable because it sounds like she's shying away from the chair. Now, is it because when you guys have sex just on the bed, it's not as intense for her?

Is the chair intense, and that's why she has the fear of being too vocal? Or, Dave, are you weird in the chair? Yeah, are you weird in the chair, Dave? Like, are you too into the chair? And she's a little bit like... I'm not even here yet. Can we stay in this position for one more second?

And you're like, yeah, but if you put your hands here and she's like, this fuck, guys and their choice. Would you just fuck me for a second? So do you think, what do you think, be honest now, Dave. What do you think Tess thinks about the chair? I think she really likes the chair. She likes the chair. Has she said anything to make it very clear

that like after a chair session, has she said like, that's better than a bed session? Or is it you doing the talking and her saying yeah? No that's never been a conversation. That's troublesome. Yeah. A chair was just a really nice addition for a change up. But did you initiate it or did she and when you got it did she say you bought a yoga chair for your bedroom?

Walk us through what happened here my man. Because this might be less about the sun and more about the chair. It is. Pfft. The sun's not even home. There is no sun. No.

Because it might just be Tess being like, I like Dave. We've been together for a year and a half, he's great. Yeah. This chair is, every time I wanna fuck this boyfriend of mine, he's asking me to get on his chair. I'll tell you what, if my wife was always about a chair at a certain point I'd go like I'm

looking to get this done be happy have it successful I don't have it be successful I want you to say it was okay and me to go to sleep after I don't want to lay on a chair again your metric of success in sex is amazing the other person you want to be like this good're going to go to bed. Good enough. You go, yeah. Good. Fine. Fine is fine. Yeah. I, I'm not looking for another. Great. Great. Great. Fine. Good night. I love you. Good night. I love you. Love you very much. Good night. Hey, I do. Yeah. Put the ring on that. How nice is that? How was that? Good. You know what? Anybody else? I'm satisfied. You are? I love you. Good night. From this? You guys satisfied? No, from the machine next to the daddy.

Good night. I love you. I love you too. I love you. I'm gonna sleep in the chair. I'm gonna go mouse-draping the chair. I'm gonna go beg the chair. So Dave, does Tess like the chair?

Be honest with us. Or is it you in the chair and she just kind of wants to mess around in bed and you're getting a little goofy with the chair? It's maybe for me. Okay. At the beginning of this relationship before, like when we were starting to come together and, and all that, um, it, I was the one that went out and got those things because in the beginning, we're just, I was getting excited because

of a new relationship and I wanted to explore some things and she was open to that, which was very exciting. Well, what does that mean? And so I- Chair. Is that just the chair? Trying chairs. Trying chairs.

Whatever. Sure, okay. Just one chair. Okay, it's just the word chair is coming up a lot. I think you should introduce, or just this is my two senses, I think you should ask her, hey Tess, I like exploring. I want to continue to explore as we have.

Is there something you would like to explore doing? Because then you give a little, you get a little Dave. If she says, look, I want anal beads, or I'd like, you know, I'd like to choke you or whatever. Then you say, sure, I will let you choke me. Can we get to the chair as well? Can we do both of our things? I think it's a compromise.

Cause it feels like Tess doesn't like the chair. As much as you like the chair. You might think the chair is cool. It's fine. She likes it. It's fine. But I think we can all speak for Tess. It's a lot of chairs though. It's a lot of chair.

We've heard that you said she was open to exploring stuff. Gar said, like, what you said, the chair, we've heard the chair. It's like you bought a Corvette and she's like, it's nice to drive places. And you're like, how good is a Corvette? You don't like the vet? You don't like the vet? Tess loves the vet. Tess, Tess, get in front of the vet.

I'm going to get a picture of you in the vet. Do you think there's any truth to this, Dave? Yeah, I can definitely see that. I can see it's probably more my, my thing than hers maybe. And, uh, yeah, I hadn't really thought of doing the approach of what would you like and how do we keep doing this? I think that's a fair, Yes.

I think the thing she likes is just sex at her place. She doesn't have to have a big thing like the chair. If you're going through a phase where you're into the chair, that's fine. She could also say, I don't have a thing. I don't need to choke you or stick anal beads up your ass. I might just want to have sex. She might.

But whatever it is, you lean in at her place and your place is the chair. Do you guys ever have sex at the place and you don't do it in the chair? You just go old school bed? Are you always pitching chair, Dave? No, they must. Sometimes I do that.

Sometimes I do that. Good, all right, good. I can't wait for that cinematic moment when Dave is sipping a cup of coffee, staring at the chair. You know, Tessa's gone. And he has, that comes the grips moment where he's like, I'm done with you.

And he's done with the chair. You know, he's gonna have it, Dave. You're gonna get over the chair. At some point you're he's like I'm done with you. Oh, and he's done with the chair You know, he's gonna have a day you're gonna get over the chair at some point. You're gonna go. I've had my Phil Thank you chair. Oh, and then you're gonna put it at the curb and someone's gonna be like Covered in Dave come some college kid Throw away a perfectly good yoga chair Dude, some dude threw away a perfectly good yoga chair. Look at this. My back feels amazing. So Dave, what do you think about the advice

just going, talking to Tess and saying, my place has obviously has got my son in the chair, two things you're not psyched about. What if at your place, you drive the train of what we do sexually? And whatever it is, I'm excited about it, and then we can figure out when you're at my place in the chair And when we're your place, right? What do you think of that as a solution to this?

Yeah, I can lean into that. What's your job? Are you you're gainfully employed? Yeah, I run a moving company. Okay. Oh, well you are you prepare over to her right? My god, this is insane Dave you drop that at the end Fucking day move the chair Dave. All right. Hang up. This is down. No Dave Dave you understand. Yeah, we got cranes for clips. We got it all but you guys don't understand we specialize in chairs Dave you know Yeah, it's not the moving company. I was still trying to shield my other stuff.

Oh, okay, okay, okay. I got you. That would have been insane ending. No, no, that's fine. Are you prepared, Dave, for people at work to call you the chairman of the board and stuff like that? That will start to happen. They'll hear this and they'll go,

they'll go, they're king of the chairs. Oh gosh, I didn't even think about that. Yeah, no, it's gonna happen. But it's fine. No, it's fun. It is, it's fun. Cause there's nothing wrong, this is not gross or illegal. It's not even wild.

No! This is what I would say. I think the overall opinion that we should give some, like get something over at Tessa's that she likes, that way you each have your home field thing. I would just talk to your son. I mean, your son's living in your place rent free. Yeah, for the moment.

He's a tough talk. Yeah, I would just be like, look, sometimes my girlfriend's gonna come over and you gotta go figure something out. Yeah, 100% skirt, get out, skirt. Go do something, you're 24. That kid's gotta wanna live. That's like the best time to go do shit,

be out, meeting up with people. Get out, go, get out. Yeah, I would say that. And if he gives you any guff, just let him know you have a fuck chair in your room and you're gonna be using it. And you're not paying rent. You start paying rent, you can hang out when Tess is here.

Yeah. So Dave, what do you think you're gonna do, bud? Well, I will say that it's probably more of my personality to just say really your first pitch is, you know, say, I like it using the chair when we're at my place. What would you like to, what would you like to do? I think that's by far the best move. Yeah. And then whatever she says, Dave, the problem with this, it's a yes.

No matter what. Because even if you're not into it, you lean in because the truth is she might not be that into the chair, right? And I know that sucks to hear we deserve a follow-up. Yeah, that's one as soon as you have that conversation I want to come back for that episode. I really got to know what types of touch This might not be the right way to go down But you ever masturbate in the chair there we go Oh, because I thought that's where you're going where you're saying he looks at the chair and said goodbye

No, what I'm saying is you're gonna come to a moment in your life with all these this is a he's having a moment Yeah, agreed. It's and it's part of the divorce right of his kids growing up. He's correct. He knows correct The chair is way bigger in Dave's life. Correct. It's huge. He's thinking about it all day Yeah, and he bought it. This was the kind of thing. I bet you couldn't do it when you were married No, you had your kids a little young. Now you're doing this thing. You ever sit there alone in a nice sexy robe, pour yourself a glass of something

and just do what you want to do on that chair? Good in all the positions, Dave. And just beat the crap out of yourself and just enjoy the chair. Have you ever thought of that? Yeah, well, it's good talking to some other dudes because yeah. Yeah. Of course. Of course. So you masturbate in the chair. 100%. Look at that thing. I want to kind of jerk off in that thing. If I'm being honest.

And what position out of the nine positions? The one where my head's hanging over the back. I want to do the one where I bend something over it, but it's just how I'm gonna come on the back of the chair. Just destroy the chair for no reason. I'm for sure not coming on the chair. Oh, I'm coming on the chair. No, you have to. It wants me to finish on its back.

Dave, how much was the chair? Oh gosh, I think it was like, I don't know, 170 or something. Dave, cheap chair. Dave, Dave, Dave, we gotta up your chair game. If you're gonna be the chair god, that's really... Yeah. That's awesome. Get a pork ottoman to go with it.

I think, Dave, I think we know our solution here. You gotta offer, you gotta give and you gotta get, and you gotta get to give. And I got another pitch to you, Dave. I think Santino's dead right. I think this is what we do with Tess, and we're gonna go to her place more. I just, my gut's telling me,

never initiate the chair again with Tess. No, let her do it. Maybe it's a masturbating chair. Yeah. Well, that's just. If she brings it up, Garrett. Just got demoted hard. If she brings it up, great.

Well, if you- But it's like a VR set. If you naturally, it's like. It's like a Ouija board. If you both end up there together. Of course, but to say like, while I put this VR in set, will you give me blood? You're like, just do what you're going to do. Do what you're going to do alone.

Have fun. When you bring this lovely lady home, just don't bring it. If she says, want to go to the chair, of course, but maybe see what happens next time she comes over and doesn't get brought up. Dave, is there any chance Tess would hear this podcast? Oh, yeah. Oh. We only listen to it together. Okay, so for the follow-up,

can we talk to Tess without you? Yeah, and also, are you okay that you've admitted to masturbating in your chair? Of course. Yeah, she knows that anyway. Okay, so let her listen to this. That'll be a great intro to the conversation. Go, did you hear what the boy suggested?

What do you think? What do you think? I think that's great. That's be a great intro to the conversation. Go, did you hear what the boys suggested? What do you think? What do you think? I think that's great. That's a great move. A follow-up. That's actually really, that's a good lead-in. I love that.

Hey, Dave, I got an idea for you because I think that Santino's totally right. You want us to send you this raw audio and you could do that sooner. We could connect the follow-up right away and have her and you guys come back on. Or maybe just her. I'd say just her would be great for you guys.

And maybe we'll have just her on and get her point of view of what happened, the chair, what we're thinking. Great. Are you comfortable with that? Yeah, I'm comfortable with that. All right. Then we're gonna send you this

and you're gonna get an email later tonight. I love you, Dave. Yeah, love you, Dave. Yeah, you're a good man, Dave. I appreciate you guys. Thank you, buddy. Appreciate you. God bless.

Way to go. All right, have a good one. You too, pal. You too, buddy. Appreciate you. God bless. Way to go. Have a good one. You too. He's having a moment. He's having a great moment. I'm having so much fucking fun. And we're brought to you by Hero Bread. Listen, it's the summer.

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or in the booking.com app. Hey everyone, it's the shark. The original call from this next follow up aired on August 8th. It's called smart people are our kryptonite and it's the second call from the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hello. Hi there. Welcome it. Enjoy. Hello. Hi there. Welcome back. Welcome back.

We're here to help. We think we're in the mood for a follow-up and you have one. Is that right? Why don't you tell us who you are and what your initial problem and call was for us? Sounds good. Hi, this is Natalie and I called a couple weeks ago about Chance and the mannequin, Kim. Oh, yeah, yeah. The one helping with the separation anxiety. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Your weird little mannequin that Jake related to. Yes. For your dog. And that you were going to do something

so that the, oh, you were going to ham the dog. You were going to ham the dog. We were trying to figure out ways for your dog to fall in love with your mannequin again. So what is your first name again? Natalie. Natalie, how are you? Okay, so what's happening? What'd you do?

Where are we at? Yeah, so it's good news. Hamming worked pretty well. Wait, hold on, you hammed the dog? Oh. Hamming worked. So walk us through, slow down, what did you do? What happened?

Oh boy. We got a photo popping up. We got a photo, that's the old one. That's the old photo. Those are photos from a sex chair from the Santino episode. Last call of a sex chair. So Natalie, walk us through what's going on. Yeah, so we brought Kim back out.

We had kind of put her away for a little bit. And so we changed her into clothes, like you suggested that we had just worn. And brought her in the door, gave her a big greeting, had her on the couch. We ate lunch with her and Yep, great Natalie. I'm gonna show the lunch video to the guys All right, we're gonna watch the video obviously this will be on YouTube

My god enjoying your turkey sandwich So you put a turkey sandwich right on her neck. Yeah, Kim, obviously, as a mannequin is not very human-like in the way you sat her in the chair. The clothes help, but it does look like a dead person. I agree, but the dog doesn't know that. The dog doesn't know that, but it's also you put a turkey sandwich on her throat, which again, interesting.

Okay, so you had a fake lunch, you put her in clothes, keep going. Yeah, so we have one of the pet cameras, and so we left, I had like turned a TV show on for her, and also we did tie some fishing line to her arms so that we could like invisibly see her. Oh, this was so smart. Oh my God. into her arms so that we could invisibly pet her. Oh, this was so smart.

So you're having the fishing arm is moving Kim's hand to pet the dog's stomach. Oh my god. Uh-huh. Chancy. Oh my god. Oh, this is great. By the way, I can see it on Kim's shirt.

I don't know how I feel about it. But that is, watching Kim the mannequin pet chance and chance look over like That is a great move. Okay. What else you got in those videos? Yeah, that was good idea that's really works Wow, okay Something about the voice of you talking during it that is Doing a lot It's amazing it's scary

But it's yeah, it's working so you go Chancy and then there's a doll that looks dead with a weird wig and a dog eating Whoa, Kim's your best friend, Chainsy. And so Natalie you Turkeyed the doll the doll fed the dog The doll has you had the doll pet the dog the dog is the doll is wearing sweaty clothes. Mm-hmm What's happening? Yeah. Yeah, so we left. I didn't go too crazy as far as how long we left. Watch the videos, Kym. Watch the videos, Natalie. Too late.

It worked, but you did go too crazy. You can't say after doing these videos, I didn't go too crazy. Natalie, let me remind you of when you put Kym in your clothes and put a turkey sandwich on her dead neck. You know, you look back on this phase of life, you're not going to say, I handled it really normal. I didn't go too crazy. Oh, desperate times. As far as how long we left, I did not go too far, too long.

I left for about an hour And watched him on the pet cam. I do not have a video that it was I didn't couldn't figure out those speeding up But He he did good. He was still like visibly nervous, but he did not destroy anything, which is huge Okay, and he just kind of he would lay next to Kim and then go up to the window to look for a go But he thinks Kim's a real person Yeah, we're backing is though He's so close with like he'll just lay there and I know he just wants her to like reach out and touch and I really Like want to figure out some automated way to get her to pet him

But I think we're like a couple years out from that robot not gonna put a neural link into Kim Okay, so we're not there yet from that robot being invented. Neuralink into Kim, okay? So we're not there yet. You just did a little Dennis Miller. Hey, listen, we're not gonna put Neuralink into Kim, your mannequin, okay, Natalie? It's petting the dog when you're there.

Oh, when's the win? You're not Genghis Khan. So I think this is a victory. I do too. I think what you need to do is you probably need to restoke the Kim fire every now and then Like a pet more, you know keep her involved, but I like the also the fishing rod I think the pettings good. I would just I wouldn't go crazy. I wouldn't either but everyone's a lot throw a different sandwich on her neck I agree and you know what you could do next time you leave leave treats in her hand

Mm-hmm because the dog can not everybody just pets dogs all the time. Yeah, so yeah for the dogs point of view Kim's cool, but she doesn't pet me that much. Yeah, that's fine. That's enough That's I mean when you think back to your problem like fine. This is better and chance is not alone Yeah, and look they don't have the best relationship now chance would like a little bit more, but he's not as nervous Yes, the initial look look we just need the win Natalie Yeah, I think we I think this I think we got it. We got the solid win. Yeah, happy to provide Well, I gotta say I love this call I love this follow-up and I appreciate you and chance is a good boy

Yeah, I know that good finish and by the way, I was on call, I love this follow-up, and I appreciate you. And Chance is a good boy, reminded of that. Yeah, good finish. And by the way, on behalf of the show and the audience, we can't wait to see what too crazy looks like to you, Natalie. Yeah, fair. Thank you so much. All right, thanks for the call. Thank you.

Appreciate it. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Hey, everyone, between that first and second call in the episode, Jake Gareth and special guest Andrew Santino chat for a few minutes as we wait for the second caller. So here's that conversation and if you'd like to hear the full thing, you can check it out on the Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pot.

Canadians are so, I like Canadians so much. They're just great. So what a love, oh, he's still on the phone. I don't love them. They're just great. So what a love, oh, he's still on the phone. I don't love him. No, he's not. No, that is like such a like simple small town issue. But I will say, it wasn't a problem.

Nope. No, he's plugging the restaurant. It was just plugging. We found some funds up, but it wasn't a problem. Well, what's interesting is, it is a great PR stunt for a restaurant to like, do a fake version. Genius, genius that someone would do that.

You'd get nothing but attention. That's like, it seems like something a club owner in Los Angeles would do to get people to like a failing nightclub. Do you know what I mean? I know this isn't a PR thing, but a lot of mothers lately are posting stuff. They have a birthday party for their kid

and nobody shows up. And it's them shooting video and it's like a little boy alone at like a showbiz or like a Chuck E. Cheese. That's a thing? Yes. Oh my God. And they're doing that for what, sympathy?

I don't know what the move is. Sometimes they'll have like, people will send them gifts and stuff, but it'll be like a crying woman, she'll be like, I'm done with my friends, and nobody showed up, and I saw one. The first time I saw it, I got emotional, I'm like, it's a nightmare.

Then I saw like nine, because it got in my feed, and I was like, oh, this is a move. You throw a fake party, you say no one showed up for my son or my daughter, and then people reach out and go like, he's such a sweet boy. Would you guys like some Nikes? Yes, we would. It would mean the world to him to get a PlayStation 5.

This just reminded me of like one of my worst birthdays. I had a birthday party and we were, it was at a indoor skate park and we were all outside waiting for it to open up and we were skating curbs and I twisted my fucking ankle before we could ever get inside to the party. Ah, terrible.

And so I had to sit there and watch everybody skate. That's awful. It was a terrible birthday. My mom was like, you can just do it. My ankle was ballooned out and it terrible birthday. My mom was like, you can just do it. My ankle was ballooned out, it was awful. My brother's bachelor party, it was all his friends, I didn't know him,

but I was his best friend, so I had to host it, and we started off doing paintball, and he wanted to do this idiotic start, where he and I were back to back, and you have to do like five steps in turn. Sure. And I don't like the paint, so I'm not cool with it. I was instantly like, I don't like this, I don't wanna do it, but it's for him. We'd been drinking, and I don't like the pain. So I'm not cool with it. I was instantly like, I don't like this,

I don't wanna do it, but it's for him. We'd been drinking, and I went too fast, and I slipped on a ball, destroyed my ankle. That's an amazing twist. It was like, be cool, and I was like, ah! Felt really destroyed the ankle, but while I was down, he was belting me. But I had that whole thing,

a whole night bar hopping in Milwaukee, my ankle was destroyed, I was pelted. You were mad. And I was like, this was the worst start. I'm like, I want it over. It really hurts, it's not fun. Although bar hopping in Milwaukee, fantastic. What a great, what is it?

Water Street, right? Water Street, what a drink in town. The best. I was sitting on a patio. My buddy, Bob used to own a bar called The Bad Genie up there, and I was sitting outside and we were tanked and a car pulled up and it looked, at first we were kind of like, it was ominous how quickly he pulled up

and we were all like, whoa, whoa, cause he like slammed on the brakes and the windows are tinted and the back door opened up and everyone kind of like perched up like, what is going on? And a guy hung his head out the door, ah, just ralphed everywhere. And the dude in the front seat rolls down the window,

he goes, sorry, rolled him back up, closed the door, and then he kept going. Perfect timing. Good stuff, yeah, perfect. That's Milwaukee. What do you say, you're not drinking? I'm cleaning out just a little bit. Why?

I go through just chunks of time, I do this all the time. Oh, you do? Because I have a romantic relationship with alcohol. Yeah. I don't know how else to say that. I mean, you can call it what you call it, but I have to just cognizantly be like,

let's stop for a little while. We also just got back, I was in Budapest. You wanna laugh? I'll give you a good laugh. This is the kind of roles your boy is getting right now. I was shooting a little role, I was shooting a tiny little scene in Now You See Me 3. Oh wow.

The magician movie. Yeah, right, right. So I went out to Budapest and I brought my wife and it's vacation, cause I was like, we're vacat- Every night we're eating and drinking like pigs. It pigs, pigs all night long, cause it's, it doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah.

You're in, you're in a vacuum. I'm in Europe. It doesn't, I can do- Yeah, it's fun. So then when we got back, I was like, okay, this is- Clean it out. What do we do? Like what did we do? That was so stupid every day. So yeah when we got back, I was like, okay, this is, what do we do? Like what did we do? That was so stupid every day.

So yeah, I'm just gonna take, I take chunky breaks until I go to Chicago. And then I go do the stretch and the pitch. One thing about the stretch, and they did not tell me this. It's a second delay. I've heard this. It's a very real thing.

Don't pay attention, push through on what you're doing. Just saying, oh, you're saying don't try to keep, don't try to change the timing. Whatever you're hearing is irrelevant. What about earplugs? You have, I don't know, you could, but it goes, you go, all right, let me in, all right, let me in. Then you go, oh, one, oh, one, oh, two, two.

Then you hear them. There's a moment of panic where you go, I'm off, oh, one, oh, two, then you hear them, there's a moment of panic where you go, I'm off. Right, stick to the plan. It's, there's 40,000, you don't have time, it's not meant to feel right. Right. No, afterwards I finished and I was like,

and then everyone around kisses ass, everyone's like, it was really good, it was really good, and I was like, and I saw my brother and he goes, I'm not a singer. And I was like, oh, but then when I was like, it was really good. I was like, yeah, I saw my brother and he goes, I'm not a singer. And I was like, oh, but then when I was like, it was really hard there, like, yeah, you just blow past, do what you're doing. Yeah.

The audience will catch up to you, but I'm like, oh, I thought you could, you know how you'll have to go like, and you're off. So you're faking all, I did all this, but you're faking it. So Harry was a genius. Harry was a genius. And drunk. Yeah. Well, that's what they say. The part of it a genius. Harry was a genius. Harry was a genius. Yeah.

Well, that's what they say. The part of it that was so great was he was so drunk all the time. It kind of dictated the rhythm of that song. Yeah. That rhythm of the song is probably much. Yeah. Maybe take your headphones off.

Cause I kept mine on, cause I had so much fun talking to doing like the broadcaster stuff. Yeah. Maybe that was the issue. Ah, God, you're getting in my head now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna be thinking about it too much. It's funny, people are nervous about the pitch

and I'm like, you don't understand, the pitch means nothing to me. I mean, in the sense of like, that doesn't make me nervous at all. The singing and the booth is easily the most nerve wracking. They both, honest to God, the first pitch made me nervous too, more than I thought. I'm sure, look, I'm downplaying,

but I'm sure it will be a little bit of nerves, but the booth is way more nervous. I agree, man. Because that's bad. Here's where you're gonna get your sea legs Yeah, so the other thing I did in the sixth inning ask if you can talk to the radio guys So I sat with the radio guys for an inning did all of that Oh, that's great But all that talking then you could you only do a half inning with the TV guys, right? But like fucking I was like I'm up there with my brother and I'm like, can I sit with, I think it was Ron and Pat. I was like, can I sit with Ron and Pat?

And they're like, if you want to, and I'm like. I do want to. I would love to. That's gonna be great. Yeah, it's really fun. A little excited, a little nervous. It's so funny, we could play in front of thousands of people on stage, but then you do that and I'm like.

I know. Which is weird, because it's not us. It's just not what you're used to doing. It does throw you for the weirdest loop. Yeah. It's, yeah. I gotta, I mean, for sure. It's just not what you're used to doing. It does throw you for the weirdest loop. Yeah. It's, yeah. I gotta, I mean, for sure. It's gonna get me.

I've openly said that to my dad, how nervous I am. I think I told you when I was like, the Cubs sent the email saying that they want me to do both because they heard the story I told on Travis Kelsey's podcast about taking my dad to the World Series. And when I sent him the email of the Cubs, you know, inviting me, my father wrote, "'Of all the crap you've done,

"'you finally made it.'" Of all the crap. Cause all we do is crap. But there's moments. No, no, no, our whole career is crap. This is Hollywood is crap. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKee.

Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-holland2004 and if you'd like early access to episodes subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash

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