We're Here to Help - 119: You're Just the Guy Who Talks

Episode Date: October 3, 2024

Jake and Gareth talk to callers about workouts before hook-ups and a lie that spans decades. Later, the guys follow up with the third caller from episode 111 "Put Some Jeans on that Baby Jesus."Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Early Access, Bonus Calls and Q&As): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bedsheets, pillows, comforters and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter and the host of We're Here to Help.

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Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. And we are back. We're going to be lean and mean because the Garf Man is in San Francisco doing a show. If you want to see him live, go to garethrenolds.com. Sharkman's wearing a Chicago flag shirt, which I love. I got the Chicago tee I got the haircut that is now turning into awkward bang level, which is I became nine years old so fast with the bowl cut It's tough. When did you get the cut?

I like a week or two ago, but it very quickly is now just like child bangs, which is tough But you know, I'm surviving it's never ideal. No, it's tough, but I'm surviving. It's never ideal. No, it's tough. So we got a fun show, guys. We appreciate you listening, sticking with us, and let's just get into it without further ado. Bez, bez, bez, bez, bez, bez, bez, bez. You don't have a password on your phone?

You don't? I mean, if it does, it takes a long time to get to it. Interesting. You go instant password? Yeah, I just, yeah, yeah, right away. Second the screen goes dark, password. Don't fucking touch my shit. Yeah.

All right, can we get your- You can touch my shit. There's nothing good in there. That's what's sad. There's gonna be pictures of you in the dummy naked. Jesus, Jake, get a password out here. I want people to look at it. That's what turns me on.

Can we get your name, age, if you feel like like it and where you're calling from and then your issue please. Sure, Jamie, 39 and I'm calling from Central Pennsylvania. Oh nice, Centralvania. What's going on? So I originally had written in about a problem that I was having which has since taken a turn but my first problem was that I was hooking up with this guy just casually and he was like, he's really into running and working

out and he started making me do like, or asking me to do like really crazy runs before we'd hook out and then I would. So I thought maybe I needed to like out crazy him. But anyway that since has finished and now, um Sorry, sorry, I was having wine before this Fucking great This is your first call though, but that's not what this is, okay broke up. Yeah. Yeah. Okay

Okay, because this all happened really fast. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. This is my first call. Okay, okay. Because this all happened really fast. Sure. Okay. Anyway. Go ahead, you drunk. So anyway, I thought it was all over, but then I find out that he's like kind of ghosted me. And it turns out that he's back with his ex.

This is all happened within like a week. And she got her hair done with my best friend who lives across the street from him and was trying to kind of get, I think, some information about the situation, which she wasn't giving. And now I kind of am wondering if I just leave it alone or like, do I stir the pot? This is an insane set. Do you get it? I think yes.

Okay, can you explain it? Sure. A lot has happened. Yeah. So originally she was hooking up with a guy who was working out a lot. He liked to run all this shit and he wanted to do it before sex. Is that right? Correct. But would you shower?

Did he was it like the sweatiness? Oh, well, here's a really good thing. Can you build this outdoor shower at his house, which we referred to as a spiral because it kind of looks like a seashell. How can this guy could fuck me out run three miles for this. What does he think about your Jitsu dummies? And I'm not talking about me. He might. He might have one for this. What does he think about Jiu-Jitsu dummies? And I'm not talking about me. He might have one in his basement.

This dude's fucking cool as hell. Just keep Jake in his basement. You wanna wrestle? Is this Mel Gibson from Lethal Love? Hey Greg, you wanna wrestle? Fucking sounds awesome. Okay, so he used to do that. You, to combat that, decided you were gonna work out

before sex too, something like that? Or you did your own workout? Well no, so he would ask me out before sex two, something like that, or you did your own workout? Well, no, so he would ask me, like, before hanging out, he'd be like, hey, why don't we, like, run, like, the one time it was this, like, 10-mile Appalachian trail, trail run. And then how'd you guys- And I was like, well, I guess I'll do that. And I just, like, kept saying yes to these crazy things that he was offering. And this was, like, foreplay to these crazy things that he was offering but this was Lee this was like for play to sex

I Think yeah, I think this is what he's in But so then he goes sir, but so how did then did he break up with you or did you break up? And then he goes how did it end? So there wasn't really a breakup. It was like we were hanging out and then here's the odd thing So he lives across the street from my best friend. Right. And her son saw me over there one night and I waved to him, but then he said to her that

he saw this other girl there the night before and knew that it was his ex. And I was like, well, that's confusing because I didn't know that situation. So it turns out that he and now is like fully back with this ex because she confirmed that and getting her hair cut with my best friend. So he moved on. He's an athletic weird guy. You guys were kind of dating. You had a weird breakup.

He got back with his ex. He's or she is sniffing around your friend for info on you. Is that correct? Did you say that? Yes, yeah. What are the details on that? And there was really no breakup at all. I mean, it wasn't, we were just like,

it was very casual, but I, like, I mean, we were just hanging out at the same time that they were apparently, which, I mean, I don't know, I guess that's fine, but it kind of feels weird. Well, it's not respectful, but it might just be his thing. No, it's strange, but it happens. Yeah. Okay.

So your problem is essentially, how do you solve the problem of his ex who he's now back with sniffing around, trying to find out info about you through your friend? Yeah. Is that the problem? Yeah, that is the problem. And also like, I mean, I know he said a lot of unhinged things about this act. And I mean, I could use that. But I'm not normally to what benefit to what

benefit? What's our goal here? What do we great question? I guess I just do feel disrespected. How do I like become more respected in this situation? I also realized he's a guy who has like a shell shower outside. Who cares? I got two pitches. Okay. The first is how do you feel respected? Just I would fucking move on. I can't hear about this guy. You know what I mean? Like I would just move on. I would. It's always very difficult,

but I would just move on. The second thing is if you want a little bit of subtle odd revenge, I would have your friend, I would give her some crazy shit about you to say that's awesome. I totally agree. And so plant some seeds so that when this, that has new and X is sniffing around, have your person tell her awesome shit about you. I would go the other direction. Okay, go. So here's what I would actually do okay you be the friend right and I'm Jamie's friend I I'm sniffing around I'm his new and exactly right um so yeah I was man so you knew Jamie right yeah yeah my best friends what was um what do you think that Mark's on her? Like I'm just so curious. I know it's none of my business

Well, I mean Jamie's crazy. She's like Literally fucked everybody in Central, Pennsylvania every disease one could get from sex Jamie has oh my god, and I know when they were together They were like swinging with 50 people like disgusting stuff like, you know, I know actually I shouldn't be telling you anything No, I'm sorry. I should know that because I know what I did mark I'm getting out of this but the Jamie I know was like this girl goes to truck stops Oh my god. Anyway, so good to see you for the food. Bye Great. All right flip rolls. I'm gonna give you my version. Okay

Hey, hey, um Not for the food. Bye. Great. All right. Flip rolls. I'm going to give you my version. OK. Hey. Hey. Such a stupid nothing question. We're friends, girl. So I guess my long time boyfriend. Yeah, Mark. Yeah. Had like a little fling with a friend of yours, something really.

I think Jamie and him went out. Yeah. What do you what was that? You know, because I wasn't around. I don't know. I mean, I just know men go crazy for Jamie. Like that has always been a thing with her. You know, she's a former gymnast, so she's super flexible.

So guys like that. Me too. She has an amazing body. Same. I've been saying people said about you. You asked about me. I didn't ask about you. Yes, about my relationship with Jamie Jamie which is what I'm telling you About she's modeled a bunch. Yeah, but I again that's sort of like really insecure I'm like when you like if we were to do a role reversal

I bet that your version of it you would want me to kind of just be like simple And so I'm just kind of time I know but I would maybe but I would maybe let me do the you know let me get through this a little bit you know I'm saying yeah yeah so just kind of sit there a little more than you are right now she's super flexible she could put her head behind her foot so could I it's the same I'll do it right now trick it's the same thing agreed the same thing she does a lot of yoga she teaches yoga too she hangs out.

She's really like so fun. Same. She's great with board games. She knows, she has great movies. She knows everyone in Hollywood. She has money. Yeah. She does really, she's like such a great joke teller and a storyteller.

She reads a room better than anyone I know. She can paint. Same. She can sing. Bitch. One time I started training a wild elk. Wait guys. I've wrestled a whale.

Okay. So those are two versions. So. The version of Okay. I've wrestled a whale. Okay. Okay. So those are two versions. So the version is we make you, we make you seem like you are not someone to be involved with or we make it seem like someone she's really upset he was involved with.

Here's another one. I mean, obviously I think I would go with the one where I, I sound amazing. You know, a lot better. Don't have a lot of disease. Where you, a lot better. A lot of diseases. Where you in a truck stop. Here's another one. Jamie, I'm actually being serious about this,

because what we're trying to do is we're just trying to fuck with her a little bit. And we're also trying to fuck with him a little bit. They disrespected you. Let's disrespect that. Yeah, OK. Here's another one. Me gossip? Your new girlfriend. OK. So what do you know about Jamie?

I don't even need to pry, but, uh, we used to be very close and then I got to know her a little bit and she's a little, um, scary. What do you mean? Like dangerous. What do you mean dangerous? Like remembering that legally I can't get into it, but like she she is a you don't want to be on her bad side Yeah, but she's doing a lot better now. I believe she's out of her legal trouble and she's trying her hardest Yeah marks left with her Just be careful. Yeah. Okay. I should go

But here's the thought of that. Yeah, just stop asking stop asking Get away from it. She'll bring it up to him and he'll go like why you ask him? I don't know. She's not dangerous Here you go. Here's one more real quick. Yeah, this won't be fast Hey girl, hey girl, I just did Pilates and I sing and I get to the meat of the matter What do you know about Jamie? Well, I actually can't talk about Jamie, which is not her original name. I have to sign an NDA, and so does anyone who's friends on there. Sorry.

When do you want to get your hair done next? Why? I can't get into it. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's nothing too bad, but I had to sign an NDA. Most people do. She gets it notarized.

By the way, Jamie, that's pretty interesting. I like that one. Right? It's easy, it's quick. And then when she laughs, your friend just goes like, I'm kind of being serious. Yeah. No, it's an NDA. Yeah. Like actually that might seem funny, but it's actually true. It's not. And then when she asks her boyfriend, he goes, I didn't have to. Then if he reaches out to you and go, what's this about? Ghost him. Yes. Yes.

Because you're then just asking a question where he's going to go, no, I don't think that's real. When they reach out to you, ghost. Yes. Because you're then just asking a question where he's gonna go, no, I don't think that's real. When they reach out to you, ghost. Yep. Yes, all right. You're gonna do it? All right, I like that. Yeah, I could do that. That seems way easy.

I just have to get my friend to be on board, which she would be. It's easy, it's an easy one to pull off. And literally, it's so easy because her whole play is I honestly can't talk about it anymore. Yeah. You're joking. Fine, then I'm joking. I just is I honestly can't talk about it anymore. Yeah. You're joking. Fine. I just, I honestly can't tell that to the notary. Yeah. But you can also, she can just say, yeah, I can't talk about it. Yeah. Are you joking?

And then she could go, so you want him to get your hair done? Yeah. Yep. And make direct eye contact and move on. So this woman goes, what the fuck? She goes to her boyfriend. Who the fuck were you fucking with? And he goes, this is not real. She said he had the whole thing. I don't know what you're talking about. He texts you. Hey, long time. Was there something about an NDA? Never respond. It's great. It's great. I think it works great. Thoughts? Jamie, are you going to do it? Oh, I love that. Yeah, I love that. I can do that. I'll just send out sentiment NDA in the fucking mail

No, no, no, you've been drinking. Yeah, but also what do you think about saying you were? What about also that you do hang out at truck stops and you got some diseases easy Jake don't push Go to the NDA Jamie I think this is great. Will you follow up with us? Yeah, let us know. Yeah, absolutely. I will. Thank you so much. All right. Bye, Jamie.

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You can visit their site right now for 20% off $20 or more and get your products delivered right to your door So visit dollar shave club dot com slash here to help and use the promo code here to help for 20% off $20 So when did you quit the boy band 95 degrees? Was it cocaine that got you out of the group? No. When did you decide to make your comeback? No, no, no. Well, first of all, you remember the solo stuff. I don't. Will you remind me of the title of the album?

Well, I did it. It was called Water Slug. Was that the solo stuff? I honestly thought you had planned a bit, Gareth. I was going to die of excitement. I thought he had come up with whole music. You just said the solo, said if that went and you did a song to match this 90s hip hop attire,

I would have, Gareth, fainted of happiness. If you saw the inside, there was like if I was wired If you then like took out a chain and went like baby girl, I will always love you Yeah, I wish it was gold. Hello. Hi Welcome to we're here to help Johnson and you're on with the Gary G. Yeah, G pop G pop Can we get your name age where you're calling from please sadly? I look the same always yeah, sometimes fatter I always the say you have almost like a Batman out. Yes. I'm Dewar shirt. Yeah, they're almost done color

They're almost okay. Sorry name age where you're calling from. I haven't seen I'm Caitlin I'm 32 and I'm calling from Detroit. What's going on, what can we help you with today? So I'm gonna throw a lot of details at you. I started telling a story back in college to sort of break the ice with a new group of people. It was a story about how I was made fun of in high school for being overweight, I was nicknamed Lardass,

and then I ultimately got my revenge on my bullies by starting a bar for Rama Yes, stand by a pie eating contest You told them stand by me and then you saw a dead body and ace was there one of your friends had a burned ear Yeah, and he had a bad childhood his father was in the war and then there was a fat kid who ran over the bridge Yeah, and then you guys got Lee to marry Rebecca Romaine stamp. What was they all got leeches on their balls yeah I'm not their pain okay great I'm getting a penis they didn't show what it was I think it was balls okay either way okay so you made the lard ass story from the hit film stand by me great movie great movie yeah your story you told it as an icebreaker as yours yes I assumed

that people would know that I was stealing it directly from the movie, but I guess people my age don't really know this movie. So everyone believed me and it just was one of those things where new people would come into the group and they'd ask me to tell the Lardass story and I just spent my whole college career telling the story. And you know, my close friends knew that it wasn't true and would also just put it out there to make people laugh. So it was always just a fun little thing.

I would just say it's a random acquaintances and it kind of helped me loosen up and just make friends. So jump forward 15 years, I'm in my 30s, I'm living in a new place and trying to make friends. I'm involved in some organizations where I sort of like meet people very quickly and have a short window to be somewhat memorable if I want to turn it into a friendship. So recently I thought let's just give this a shot, I will do this story once again in a low-risk environment. It did not go well, it

didn't go well. It was very awkward, and no one thought it was funny. No one thought it was being stolen from a movie either, but it just didn't go well, and so I need help just keeping the basics of the story because it's a beautiful story, and turning it into something that's quick, funny, and believable, but also casual enough in any environment

There's a lot to break down a lot this is wild Caitlin, do you want me to do it through a song or no, okay late night And it should start with Baby girl, I like I want to be the talk guy Yeah, that was the first time that I that was the first time and possibly the last time that I come in right before the course Again, I loved that guy That's the guy I also wanted to because I knew it's the best part Caitlin back to you We could do we're gonna unfortunately be riffing on this all day Caitlin

I think that okay Well, the first thing is I feel like you got away with murder by just taking the story. Can I be a little bit of a grump for a second? Yeah, you wanna be in Jake mode? Well, hold on, Katelyn. You swear to God this is totally real. No one has ever said this is for-

I'm a little surprised by that myself. Now, 32 to our age, to. Yeah here you could be 23 right now 32 to my age that's a big jump. Nobody has caught you when you told this said the the way we caught you right away Yeah, you know telling this no college you swear on everything. That's holy Yeah, you know telling this no college you swear on everything that's holy Yes, the first time I told it I waited for the reaction and the reaction was oh my god you ate raw egg Okay, I forgot about that part So I'm gonna now lean in because the reason I didn't engage right away was I thought this might be a phony premise But I'm gonna believe you I

Okay, I I buy that you did. Yeah, I believe I believe you I believe that I wonder if maybe in your new setting Maybe some of the people just haven't told you like I feel like if I was introduced to someone and they let off with that I wouldn't go like that's from stand by me. I go like this is someone I shouldn't be close to they're crazy That's interesting Caitlin. What do you make of that? Can you counter that point? Is there a chance they knew the movie? I just thought you were weird Yeah, it's possible, but I will say that but my closest friends and my husband don't even know this movie Wow, but it's a I, I hear you that people around, this movie was a very large movie.

But it might be an age thing. The people you work with, who are you pitching it to? You got any geezers, Gareth Sage? No, I mean, they're all pretty much in their 30s. Yes, Gareth, this might be a thing. You're a look-age. Well. Well.

This might be an age thing. It might be a thing. Your look age. Well, well. This might be an age thing. It might be. So let's lean into, it's insane for us. I have one other question. Were you a fat kid? No, I wasn't. Oh. Okay, it's just as a former fat kid.

Same. A little appropriated. Like they're taking it for a stolen valor. Well, a little bit. Yeah, I agree. I mean, I didn't need all those fun-sized twix bars to do that. appropriated. Like they're taking it to glory. Well, a little bit. I mean, I didn't need all those fun-sized twix bars to just

sit here and have somebody pretend they live my hero and wife. I didn't hate taking my shirt off at the lake for somebody else to get credit for it. I didn't go to every pool party in a black shirt and swim in the shallow end. Now you're teasing me. How fat were you? Shirt and pool big? No. I was shirt and pool size. Oh, you were teasing me. No How fat were you shirt and pool big no, I was shirt and pool. Oh you were sighs. Yeah. Yeah

I was interesting. I was I mean it wasn't like they were bigger. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I agree I always embarrassed. I always anyway, but you did what you did Caitlin Okay, so basically you're asking us for a new icebreaker story, and I believe you were like why don't we pitch on? Or the other one what are you specific? why don't we pitch on the other one? What are you, are you asking to tighten up the classic film story? But I feel like don't be telling that one anymore. But will you just refray, just because we're a little wild,

as Eve Johnson would say, would you repitch the question, and then we're gonna stop riffing on our looks, our fatness, and our age title for a podcast. Sure. That's great. And then we're gonna try to help this situation. Part of the reason we're doing this is this is a wild one, Caitlin.

Yeah. This is hard to wrap the old noodle around. I'm just looking for not really a new story. I think this is, it's great that nobody has caught on to this and I'd love to just keep it going until somebody Does or even if they do like that helps me make friends too when I somebody else knows this movie but but I think it comes off as like a little bit awkward and and depressing and Maybe there's there's some way that this can sort of twist and and be more simple I got a pitch to still be a fun story, but I got a nice uncomfortable Maybe there's some way that this can sort of twist and be more simplified.

I got a pitch. To still be a fun story, but not as uncomfortable. Go for it, Jay. I got a pitch, Caitlin. You tell the story of when you were 12 years old, you and a group of friends saw a dead body. Ooh. And you walked down some tracks to get there,

and it took you three days, and you guys all lied and told your parents you were sleeping out and In seeing it it was the moment you kind of grew up a little bit and those four friends You've never had friends like that in your whole life because nobody ever has friends like they did when they were 10 years old Or 12 years old and then behind you your husband goes let's go and then the kid goes like we're going swimming but what you're saying is I Went we had heard in the local news when we were growing up that there was a missing person and we found him and we saw he had been hit by a train. And we went down there and when we were there, there was like a local gang and there was this like bad guy, like the toughest guy in our town. He wanted to find the body because he thought there was a reward and we thought there was a reward too.

And then when we found it, he came out and he's like it's ours And my buddy pulled a gun on him and literally said when the bad guy said the bully the gang member said You can't kill all of us this fucking kid a ten year old kid said just you ace. I got one bullet for you That's what do you think of that as a story? Yeah, what do you think, Caitlin? I mean, I think it's a, it's a brilliant story. It sounds like it was written by a famous author, but is it a legal thing? I'm sorry, are you accusing Jake of plagiarism?

From the movie Stand By Me? Caitlin, I cannot believe the holier than thou position you carved out for yourself when Jake told you to pitch the movie Stand By Me and you're like, hey, hey, asshole, let's focus on the story that I tell from Stand By Me. The flashback. The lie within Stand By Me, probably. But what do you think of that, Caitlin? I have nothing to stand on here. Nothing. what do you think of that, Caitlin? I have nothing to stand on here. Nothing.

What do you think of that though, Caitlin? I don't dislike it. Because maybe you've outgrown the Lardaz story. Well, I also think what you might be running into a little bit is that cultures shifted a little and maybe a story about a big fat person being teased doesn't have the same kind of humorous you're right Garrett guess what you're 32 so college takes you to 12 years ago 2024 minus 12 is 2012 different we're in a different galaxy we've crossed a different time so guess what your story hasn't changed

the world has yeah you know what the world wants to hear now? Dead body. I honestly listen, I do. Well, you seem very married to your story that again is from a movie and not at all yours. Jake's version of Stand By Me is better. I would also and I would say I would caveat. I like Jake's pitch as far as like that is to me seems like another good icebreaker. And I would also just add to it. Prep yourself for the moment when someone might be like, let's stand by me. And then all you have to say is stand by her.

Or you go. I've been using that as an icebreaker for 15 years and you're the first person to ever get what I do. Right. Prep yourself to make it like I'm not crazy I've been I get it people. What do you think of Caitlin? What do you think about just? 12 years post the start of this lie the world has changed and so is the story and we go to a different part of The movie we could go to the end part and that is where they find the body

You could tell the story of you and some friends were crossing this big bridge. Yeah. And you were going on a mission and a train came and you had to run the other way. And you were the heavyset one. And what would they call it? Gordie. Gordo. Who was that?

Wow. Yes. I loved the movie. It's a great... I did too. And then you say like, but you were the last one and you were on all four, but there were these wooden planks and they were like, Gordie, go! And then your best friend came back

and was pulling you and saving you, but you couldn't stand up. They were like, stand up, you were like, I can't stand up. And literally you had to jump off the side of the bridge seconds before you were hit by a train. And you're like, so all I have to say to that is, don't go on train tracks. And they go like, that's a wild story.

You're like, I got a bunch of them from that movie. I meant that life, time of my life. What do you think about telling the train, what do you about telling the leeches story? You and a group of friends went in a thing and there were leeches all over your boobs and your vagina. We thought we were becoming women that day. But all of a sudden you went in there

and then there were leeches everywhere and you saw them in your underpants and you fainted. I, uh, Caitlin. Well, what do you think, Caitlin? I don't think leeches in my pants is a great icebreaker just meeting people. I'm curious, how did you get into the lard-ass icebreaker in general? Like you meet someone and you're just like... Yeah. Like I would, I don't...

Like you have a... you're like, let, like I would I know like you have a prayer You're like let me tell you a little story like let's do it Let's do it Gareth and Caitlin you guys want to do a little roleplay sure should I get my knapsack or should I just do it? I would say do it. You're just left, Florida your boy band. Just I just got you went Okay, okay, okay You left boy town you asked Ron the guy who formed your band who got brought up on charges and has since passed around Okay, and you said like I'm ready to come back and he said you're almost 50 man. It's over And you say why just got out of jail

Possession Racketeering and I need money. So let's do this thing. I've written some songs. They said you were just the guy who talked before So let's do this thing. I've written some songs. They said you were just the guy who talked before Okay, so Caitlin you're gonna you and Garrett are gonna talk But will you do how you've actually done it in the past so we can get a sense of this story Just the guy who talked What a bad roll I was thinking I could sing though you just talked. You're so good at this. Okay.

Oh, man. Sorry, Caitlin. All right, so Caitlin, how would these icebreakers start? Can you give Gareth a little starter? Yeah, just like where you're coming from. Most of the time we're talking to people who are transplant, so yeah, where you grew up is usually how it gets started.

OK, got a polypsi guy. He reminds me of my soccer coach that I used to have in Dubuque. That's where I went to high school. But anyway, yeah, I just yeah. Yeah, yeah, I would. Dubuque, I would. You know it. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of corn around there, right? Yeah, we were surrounded.

We like to say we were cornered. That's what we would say back there, but that was just kind of an in-house state joke But it felt like you were gonna say something. Do you know Iowa? No, I just I I've been through Iowa a few times, but I'm also from a chill small small place went to high school and farmland and don't have a lot of great memories from there, but Yeah, all right, yeah, so Yeah, all right cool. Well, it's good to catch up with you and talk to you Okay, yeah. Well, yeah, I know farmland's crazy Got any stories about where you were got any scar stories got any stories from the movie stand on it

Me and my friends one time saw a dead body, Caitlin. No, I mean, yeah, we grew up in the farmland. I mean, you know how it is. You had to make your own fun back then. You know, are you from around? Are you from a small town sort of vibe? Yeah, yeah, there are a lot of interesting people I went to school with. I definitely I got bullied a lot by by some people. Just, you know, I used to be a little larger I got bullied a lot by by some people just you know I used to be a little larger and they call me large ass, but I'm not yeah. No, no, don't feel too bad for me

I got my revenge at a piting contest. It was a whole thing. But yeah, not not the whole thing so After after a couple years of of just this endless bullying, I decided, you know, I got to get back at these people. So I entered into my doorbell doorbell contest. There was a fair in the back of the school grounds, you know, that kind of thing. You're from a small town. You get it. Yeah, we had back school fairs.

Yeah, yeah. And I decided before the contest, I would eat like a dozen eggs and as much of a bottle of vegetable oil that I could just down in one sitting. I got my stomach all mixed up, went in there, started eating pies. And the moment I felt it rising in my throat, I just let it all out. I just let it out everywhere. Blueberry pie all over the table, all over the participants next to me. And it started what I now call the bar for Rama. People started barfing on each other. The bullies that were sitting in the front row were barfing into each other's hair. People are throwing up into each other's

hair. You tell us at work in her curse what's Caitlin Caitlin Kayla Drop out of college you can't Know no, no story. No, but this is that thing. It's like a hey, I'm camping with eight friends Here's a bang. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's not like I just play it in with a K or a C Yeah, I think this is just I think it's a different environment a different big This is if you tell this story in college when you're all having a couple beers

I'm going like if I if I'm 19 I go that girl Kayla. It's cool, dude. She's lard ass man She barfed everywhere the room work of it's rhymed She's lard ass man. She barfed everywhere the room primed Yes, like that you need the idea of meeting someone be like, huh? Can we do another one now? I'm gonna be opposite you Caitlin at work And will you tell a different part of that movie at our meet-and-greet? Okay so Caitlin how you doing?

How are you good excited to be here? You are. You're from here. Yeah. No, no, I'm actually I'm from a small town back in Maryland. Oh, neat. Cool. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Really weird little small town, just a couple thousand people and wild things happened. But yeah, it was a good place to grow up. What kind of wild stuff? Oh man, there were a lot of things that happened there, but this one summer, my really close friend and I, we actually found a body out by the railroad tracks.

What? Hey, I just overheard. What are you guys talking about? Get out of here. Oh. I'm sorry, the DJ at this event just walked over. Hey man, keep playing the hits. All right.

Keep playing the hits. Any requests? Anything that's not 90s, man. It's 2024. It's gonna be an issue. It's gonna be an issue. Dude, when you did that, your jewelry made so much noise. Yeah, I'm clanging.

Clanging. Sorry, back to you, Caitlin. So you saw a body in the woods? Well, we kind of went searching for it in fairness and we read about this kid that had gone missing. And kids, over the summer, you get kind of bored and we thought we'd just go on this journey to try to go find this body.

And definitely wasn't as fun as we thought it would be. It's a little scary to see a dead body of the kid, but pretty cool journey getting there. What happened to the kid? Unfortunately, he was hit by a train. Ah, and then did you like call the cops? Did it? What happened? Well, yeah, eventually, eventually we got in contact with the police, but we had to take the train tracks there and go over this really tall bridge over the water. And that's cool. You know, you guys, you guys like Ace of Base.

You are ace of base That's what it is you've come from Europe, that's the real I should have come over you've come from Europe So by the way, Caitlin Pretty good. I think that if I'm at a work thing and I hear that story. I think it's really interesting. It's really wild It's a big icebreaker. I like not you barfing on people. Yeah, it's really interesting. It's really wild. It's a big icebreaker. I like it not you barfing on people Yeah, it's crazy. Your other one is very aged out. Yeah, it is for whatever reason. It's insane I have another pitch. I like that. I think we're good to go to United States. I Basically, but if you guys do minutes, but if you guys figure out another okay

Germany, but if you guys figure out another... Germany. But if you... I... why... you could also take the story from another movie if you wanted. It seems like you like to plagiarize from movies for your own life. So some pitches in that direction would be, you could tell the... something about the ring. Maybe you and your friends used to watch a video that would kill people seven days later. Little Shop of Horrors, there was a big plant where you had to feed people to it. Ghostbusters, you and your friends stopped ghosts together. You could do the River Wild, you had to end up, your river guide ended up going crazy on a white water rafting summer trip.

Back to the Future, you have friends with a weird scientist, you made a card that could time travel. E.T., you guys find a little aliens, goonies. You guys were trapped in an underground treasure world. Pretty woman. If you want to be a little more adult. Or my last pitch for you is and I don't know why this one jumped out. My other podcast, the dollop, there's crazy American history stories. And one of the fucking funniest ones is this dude who just walked backwards. And everyone was like, this guy's a hero.

You could be like one summer, you got in the paper because you walked backwards for like three weeks or so. I also heard of This American Life about these kids who were 10 years old who rode a bike from like two states away and they did it in like 72 hours and they got in the paper. So Caitlin, we've given you some ideas. I would personally lean towards just doing a different version of the movie,

but it's not about me. I like that too, by the way. I'll co-assign that. What are you going to do? Yeah, I think I'm going to have to do a different, a different story from the movie. I'm still a little bit tied to just the vomit because it kind of like shows that I'm weird so if other people all think that that's fun then it's like okay well that's fair so I just you know I'm trying to to attract like-minded people people who would not

that I'm someone who would start a preferama but maybe so I I think I think you're right though it's it's not the right story for this time. But seeing a dead body and going on the tracks and getting leeches, that also shows you're weird. I'm weird and I would go, Katelyn's cool. Can you throw up when you see the dead body? Yeah, maybe you eat a piece of it and it makes you sick. I just really need to vomit in this story. Thank you for working on it.

Katelyn, will you keep us updated? Yeah, because if you find that this isn't working, call back and we'll but also do it. Do me a favor and just try, even though you I know in your heart you want to stick with the Lardas story, just try the dead body story. Try it. I think you're going to like the results. It is a little like stand up in the way that you've got a new bit and you just need to try it in front of a crowd to see if it works. As men's warehouse would say, you're gonna like it, I guarantee it. You're gonna like your new story.

You're gonna like the way you look. We guarantee it. We guarantee it. So just try it. I think you're gonna get a great reception. You saw on the paper a boy went missing, you found the body. Don't be afraid to bring in Ace. Don't be afraid to bring in your friend Gordie had a gun mm-hmm You know you could launch into it too by saying you just had read something in the paper about these kids finding a body And it actually just brought up this story when you were a kid. That's right. Oh That's good idea. Okay. All right. I will give it a shot. Thank you guys

All right, and then Gareth with a little bit of 90s R&B soul. Can you take us out? Caitlin I understand you were in love with another story, but that story is dead and gone right now. You need to figure out a new story that works for you. And what if that story was standing right in front of you, getting ready to be added to your repertoire? Would you tell it to go screw itself, or would you give it another shot?

Give it a go! See you, Caitlin. Bye. Thank you. We're brought to you by Alma. We obviously on this show give out advice, but it's a little tongue in cheek. But if you have a therapist, had a therapist, used one in the past, whatever it is, you know it can be pretty difficult to find someone,

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The original call from this next follow-up aired on September 5th. It's called Put Some Jeans on That Baby Jesus and it is the third call in the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hi, welcome back to the show. We know you're a follow up, but we have no other information. So why don't you tell us your name and what your first call was and and where we're at. I'm Amina and I had called about the jet skis. Oh, Amina and the jet skis. The jet skis were just sitting in the driveway, right?

Yes. Yes. Your husband. Yeah. Yes. You wanted to sell him. He wanted to keep him, but he wasn't going to fix him. Yes. And we. Actually, you pretend to have them sold or something? Or you know homeowners? No, we did an email from H.O.A. Yeah. Okay. And so, and so what so, so Amina, please walk us through what we pitched, what you did and where we're at with those goddamn jet skis. All right. So I had sent him an email from a fake email address,

as if I were the HOA. And then it took a while for that. And so I CC'd myself. Right. Right. And I talked to him about, I was like, Hey, you know, I got this email. What, what do you think? And he just, he got mad and he was like, I don't know why the fuck they're telling me this while other people in the neighborhood have this and that. Sure. He's not, he's got a point by the way. I know. I'm with him. I was like, Oh yeah, I guess I would be angry too Um, so it kind of stayed quiet for a little while, but then the episode aired

and Yes, and so he heard it he heard the episode and Hadn't said anything to me and I was like, I don't know. I feel like if he had heard it, he would have said something to me by now, but he just kept it a secret. And he had showed everyone the video and was talking about it. And then finally I approached him about it

and he was like, oh yeah, I heard it. So my plan was kind of foiled, but at the same time, he is working on getting rid of the jet skis and the car. So he heard and still has the jet skis. Yes. So in this is the conclusion. Yeah, there's no bell ringing. We've not, we tried, we did the letter. He didn't respond. Honestly, he was right to go. Why are they worried about my fucking yard? That guy over there has a fucking jet ski, too.

The enemy of this solution is the popularity of the show. Yeah, the the enemy is the enemy. The enemy is the enemy. And that, Jake, right? What's happening right now? Just so Kimball slice on the UFC one time said, The enemy is the enemy. And then Jake, right? What's happening right now? Just so Kimball slice on the UFC one time said the enemy is the inner me. But I guess enemy is the inner me.

Sure. How is, um, yeah, we're all a little, is that, are we supposed to be, what, what are we supposed to feel? Because do you feel like that is tracking with the jet skis I'm just looking for a way out and you know what I should have let you go well listen I mean oh we we are sorry we always want to ring the bell but yeah you know what can we do Dan the jet ski man is gonna jet ski one he won he won yeah he did now lean in and enjoy those jet skis and hopefully Dan fix

Well, he is to go on a lake. He is planning on getting rid of them at least. Okay So when he gets rid of them, let us know and also ring the bell. What's he charging for him? I got space in my yard for two weird jet skis. Nope, we gotta go Amina. I've talked to Jake's wife He's not allowed to do this part of the show anymore Thanks a lot for the call Amina Alright, bye. Can I get my Jiu-Jitsu dummy to write one of them? He's got a rhino head in his office. We gotta go. Thanks, Amina.

Alright, bye. Bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Captain Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKee. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you could check out

his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's oliverralli.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike D-I-K-E and if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road go to Gareth Reynolds dot com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland you can find him on Instagram at P A D D Y Holland 2004 and if you'd like early access to episodes subscribe to our patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all

listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.